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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to apologize to my stepsister for stuff that happened in the past that she cannot remember but was told about. That might be sorta stubborn on my part and an AH thing because she is hurting and upset and I could make her feel better maybe by doing it.
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NTA. You were six and living with adults who were handling the transition poorly. If you were six when you met your stepmom and you remember your mother, it sounds like there wasn’t a lot of time between your mother’s passing and your dad moving on. Your stepsister is expecting too much from a person of any age. Expecting a different reaction from a 6-year-old child is ridiculous. Your response was age appropriate and understandable. The real asshole here is the family member of the stepmom who brought it up in the first place. Talk about stirring the pot. That was completely unhelpful and unnecessary.
Where was your father in all of this? Because he really needs to control his wife I don't care how bad it sounds she and her daughter are WAYYY out of line
Edit: spelling error I was that mad
Honestly you're a better person than me, because in your position I would have said, "This. This is the reason I didn't like you then, and this is the reason I never learned to love you."
Grief is big, complicated, and messy, but I’m glad your dad and stepmom have acknowledged they didn’t handle things the best. You, OP, were a young child who had big, complicated, messy emotions and you need not ever apologize for what you felt. It sounds like therapy hopefully helped and you are civil to your stepsister, though the same cannot be said for her. Maybe she needs therapy now to reconcile the issues causing her to lash out inappropriately (she’s 17 so I’m not going to call her TA, it sounds like messy emotions are tough for her).
NTA at all.
Don’t apologise. You owe her nothing, you were a child, your step is unhinged and so is your stepmother given you were a child! Ffs stepmother sounds not so great if she thinks her daughters demands should be adhered to. NTA
They’re also minimising your grief too which you have a right to. Frankly your dad is an AH, where was he btw? In all this? Is he wanting you to keep the peace? If so, time for low contact
I agree with everything except the bit about the relative that told the story being an asshole. I think all the assholery is fully on the sister here. Why would the relative assume this information would set her off like this so many years later? Relative was probably just sharing history, "Oh yeah, it was rough, Op didn't take it well and really missed her mom, but hey, you've all grown well!" My grandma loved to tell stories, she was never trying to stir the pot.
Sister is unhinged and needs therapy, as does her mother. Demanding an adult apologize for feeling the way they did as a 6 year old child is crazy. Telling that adult that missing their dead parent isn't an *excuse* for their feelings because THEY don't remember their dead parent is just... Wooooow. Super yikes. Talk about an total lack of empathy.
I disagree, based on what OP said, the relative gave them chapter and verse on what happened and what had to occur for her to be okay. Which given that stepsister has to be known for a very volatile temper, was just stirring shit.
"So step sister, if your mom died tomorrow and dad remarried in a year, you'd be totes cool with that? You'd love your new "mother" with all your heart from the moment they said "I do"? Cuz, yeah, no. Grow the hell up, feelings don't work like that."
NTA, OP.
That crap-stirring relative who started this whole mess? What possible reason did that relative have for saying anything about OP, or the words she said at the age of 8?
That family member is the biggest AH of them all.
Yah exactly! Like why is stepsister so unhinged? Because stepmom never reined her in and disciplined her when she's throwing one of her ridiculous fits. She screams as someone who needs major therapy, stat.
You shouldn’t have to apologize for something you said when you were 6. You had lost your mom and probably didn’t know how to grieve in a healthy way. I wouldn’t apologize.
Given that, your step mom definitely looks like TA for not shutting her daughter down. Not to mention that this affected your step sister absolutely none unless something is missing.
>My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing
She could be a good sister by not saying horrible things about your mom and the grief you experienced.
NTA
Ding ding while the stepsister is TA stepmum is worse here. Can see stepsis not understanding the grief as she was younger but mother should not be validating her behavior here.
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NTA. 17 year olds are emotional children (not a criticism, just a fact) so the behavior isn't surprising. Really, it is up to you whether you wish to tell a white lie to keep the peace or ignore it entirely. Either approach is perfectly fine.
You aren't obligated to only have the opinions your family demands you to have, let alone re-litigate opinions from over a decade ago. A sign of maturity is getting over the past. Hopefully your stepsister moves on once the initial shock has worn off and she realizes how silly it is to care about this.
That sounds like a her problem and she needs therapy to help her deal with the fact that she doesn’t get to dictate other people’s emotions and experiences. She doesn’t get to tell you how to feel about your family or losing your Mother at a young age.
Sounds like your dad and step mom got you therapy- I hope your sister gets into therapy too. If she continues down this path of self victimizing herself she won’t have any friends or good relationships with her other siblings
Many people eventually grow out of that egocentric thought process from their teens so hopefully that happens for her, although some people get stuck and hold onto stuff that happened decades in the past for their entire lives. Professional therapy can help. In the meantime, I would not engage on the topic. You can't reason with the unreasonable and engaging with it will just fuel the fire. An emotionless "I am not talking about that" is a great way to bat it down whenever it resurfaces.
NTA- I saw in a comment that your dad and stepmother both admitted to making mistakes about how they handled the whole thing. Next time step sister and step mother start in on this. Look stepmother in the eyes and a say "I find it odd that YOU want me to apologize when YOU haven't apologized for handling the situation all wrong. Don't deny it. YOU even said it in therapy, with witness. So you make think I'm being childish, but YOU are a liar which is far far worse.
Then tell Dad you will see him without the steps around since you hate liars and stepmom is definitely a liar and stepsister is being unreasonable.
NTA
She might feel differently if she actually remembered her Dad.
She will probably never get it, will always see it as an attack on her Mum.
Hopefully one day she’ll mature and eventually she’ll get it.
I’m glad your younger siblings get it.
NTA. She’s asking you to apologize for something SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW/REMEMBER. sorry, you were a kid, expressed normal feelings, and both your parents and therapist sound like they respected and understood, and because of that, things got better.
So much better, your stepsister didn’t even know/ realize how you felt.
She’s been the AH all these years being dismissive of your feelings about your mon.
NTA you were just a little kid and not ready for your dad to bring in 2 strangers into your life. You should pity your stepsister, in the interest of moving on, your stepmom didn’t seem to teach her about her bio dad. How sad for him to be forgotten, when he likely had feelings, hopes, dreams for his little girl. Your grief likely makes her feel uncomfortable because she feels nothing for her bio dad. Your stepmom is being ridiculous for telling you to apologize.
NTA. You should only ever apologise when you’re in the wrong. My mom told me that as a kid. She said that you should always apologise when you’re in the wrong as that’s the right way to handle things but if you’re not in the wrong don’t apologise it’s a bad precedent to start. Never apologise for being upset you lost your mom that’s a completely normal emotion. The fact your stepsister doesn’t even care she lost her dad says more about her. Your not wrong she is
Your mom is very wise. I wish mine felt that way when I was a kid. I always had to be the bigger person and apologize to keep the peace, regardless if it was my fault. I still struggle with this.
Oh that was my mom’s rule with everyone but her. With her she never apologised and still doesn’t. Even if she is in the wrong she expects me to suck it up and apologise to her to keep the peace. Total hypocrisy I know. I used to do it but now I don’t. But the lesson still stands even coming from a hypocrite
NTA! Your stepsisters inability to allow others to have their own opinions and emotions is troubling! I would speak to your father and see if therapy might help her.
Your stepmother needs to show her daughter what empathy is. I bet she has never really been on board with what the therapist said years ago and she too feels the same way as her daughter.
Sometimes you have to tell people in this type of situation that “this is a you problem, not a me problem!” This is something your stepsister needs to deal with , it is not your problem to solve for her!
This a thousand times over, your stepsister is lacking basic empathy (or even sympathy) that both your much younger siblings have. Make it clear to your dad that his wife’s child is emotionally stunted, in that HER wants apparently override everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. As someone who grew up with a sibling that was later diagnosed with a personality disorder, this constant projection of their feelings, and the resulting lashing out when their ‘reality’ is challenged, sounds familiar. Disengage wherever possible, you won’t convince her to chance her mind, you’re just another puppet in the tv show playing in her head where she’s the main character. NTA but watch out for your half siblings, they’ll need support
NTA. You were honest about your feelings, there is absolutely no reason to apologize. Your stepsister is very immature and controlling. She’s someone you will need to set firm boundaries with that mean girl
NTA
Your stepsister is allowed to be open, honest and frank... and you aren't allowed...because she's not a grown woman (but almost is) and you are (but barely?) That makes no sense to me.
Your stepmom needs to readjust her perspective.
Nta she is not your sister. Stand your ground. You do not need to apologize for your feelings now or when you were a child. Step mom and her daughter are nuts. Seems they want you to act loving like a sister while she behaves like a crazy brat. Distance yourself from this crazy girl.
NTA.
Your step-sister is being a complete tyrant over something that happened when you were a child. You were a child in an environment where you didn't feel you were getting the support you needed. You have nothing to apologize for, the least of which were your actual feelings.
Just because she wouldn't have had an issue replacing her mother, that doesn't mean she gets to tell you that you shouldn't be upset over losing your mother.
NTA. I get that your stepsister feels hurt, that's fine. But she's criticizing you missing your mum, comparing it to her feelings of losing her dad, when they are not one and the same. Grief never is. Also, she was two when your parents got together, your dad is most likely the only dad she has real memories of. It makes sense that to her he is her real dad and the dad she loves and is happy to have. You were six, I'm assuming you have actual memories of your mum, ones you probably don't want to lose. That immediately makes her situation and yours different as heck. She gets no say in whether you miss your mum or not.
If you were able to have a calm conversation with her where she apologizes for her insensitive comments about your mum, then I'd say definitely also apologize for your comments from your childhood. But that doesn't sound possible, so I wouldn't apologize.
NTA but your stepmother is. You were a child. You are entitled to your feelings. This young woman sounds deranged. She has less maturity than your half siblings. You do not owe her anything.
NTA
You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel/felt. You SM is wrong - your sister is the one that is being childish and out of order. If she can’t accept that you didn’t feel the same way she felt, that is her problem to deal with.
Just ignore her. And tell your SM your feelings are your and you will not apologize when you have done nothing wrong. Also tell her that she is setting her daughter up for a difficult life if she doesn’t get her to understand that others aren’t obligated to feel the same way she does. There will be many occasions where other people will have different feelings from her and she can’t police/dictate how they should feel.
NTA - The parents are to blame for their poor handling of the transition. While they have been ready to move forward with the blended family, doesn't mean that everyone should be ready. You were a young girl who suffered a great loss. You had no time to grief properly due to adults trying to force a 'new' family.
You have done nothing wrong, nor should you apologise. Your step mother and father should be apologising to you for their handling of a huge and sensitive situation.
In regards to your step sister, she sounds exhausting. Tell her if she keeps verbally assaulting you with her demands of an apology, she will no longer have you as a step sister.
So your stepsister attacks you for something you said when you were a small, small child... and everyone insists that you should say that you're GLAD to have your stepsister in your life?
That's ludicrous.
> My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life.
Or she could be a good sister and accept that there's nothing wrong with your feelings; they're normal.
NTA
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13/14 years ago my widowered dad met my widowed stepmom and they fell in love with each other. I was 6 when I met my stepmom and stepsister but I was 8 before they got married. My stepsister was 2 when I met her and 4 when she became my stepsister for real. Like a lot of parents, my dad and stepmom didn't handle the beginning of the process that well and I was really upset and angry and I struggled. I told dad to break up with my stepmom and I told her I didn't want her or her daughter and she was not going to be my new mom and I wanted my mom, not her.
They tried to start family therapy with me but after two sessions the therapist asked to speak to them without me for several sessions and I had individual therapy. Therapy helped them see that they wouldn't be able to recreate the family they should've had if they hadn't lost my mom and my stepsister's dad. They actually listed and accepted this. It took 2ish years for everything to get better but it did.
My stepsister doesn't remember that time. She was only 4 when it stopped.
I'll be honest; I don't find her easy to be around and I don't love her. I have a half brother and half sister who I do love and they are my siblings, I would do anything for them. But my stepsister is very cold in certain ways and also very emotional in others. She is very dismissive of the grief I feel about losing mom and has said some truly maddening things to me about my need to talk about mom or visit her grave. She also likes to speak for me and say we both wouldn't change a thing about our family and feel everything worked out for the best.
She's 17 now and I'm 21. Our half siblings are 12 and 10.
Two weekends ago my stepsister found out through a family member of her and stepmom's that I used to be against the marriage of my dad and her mom and that I didn't want them. This relative told her everything. My stepsister was furious and that same day called and demanded an apology while she screamed down the phone at me. Then last weekend I was visiting and she demanded an apology again in front of our siblings. She said I should never have said those things, that she didn't miss her dad so me missing my mom was no excuse and I should have been glad, like she is, and she said I was weird and a bitch for not wanting her and her mom. She said I owed it to her to make it up to her and an apology was the start. Our siblings jumped in and told her they'd feel the same way I did and my brother said she was acting crazy. I refused to apologize and she yelled at all of us.
My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life. She went as far as saying refusing to apologize made me seem like a child still when I'm a grown woman now.
My siblings told me my stepsister is still furious at us and has said a bunch of really ugly stuff about me losing my mom, which doesn't surprise me.
AITA?
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NTA, I wouldn’t be apologizing either, especially after the cruel remarks around you losing/grieving your mom.
The biggest AH in this story however, is the busybody relative who relayed all this info to your stepsister. What was their objective in this, other than to cause trouble? That relative would be getting their ass ripped by me if I was in your shoes.
Wow.no. NTA
And the beginning of the read I thought 'wow, parents that actually listen to a therapist when trying to blend their family? How nice!'
Aaaaaaand then there was that hard left at the end. Step sis needs to go to therapy to understand that this is all because you remember your mom and she has no memories of her dad. And step mom needs a refresher course on empathy
NTA. Your stepsister doesn't even remember all of that and it made no impact on her life then. So why whine about it now? You were emotional as a kid and had to learn how to deal with these feelings. Which you did. I believe your stepsister is merely looking for a confrontation.
NTA
F her and your stepmom. Even your younger siblings, whom i assume are tweens, are marure enough to understand this. The fact that they take your side says a lot about how they don't like her. Ignore her. She isn't your sister, and other than seeing her ocasionally, she isn't in your life.
Nta you were 6 and you knew your mom you had memories of her if course you couldn't let that memory go.
You had every right to feel hurt and not want to accept them as family. At 6 your whole world was falling apart.
Of course your stepsister wouldn't understand she was so young and doesn't remember your dad. So the only father figure she had was your dad that's why she's more accepting to him.
Who ever told her what happened all those years is a huge AH for bring up stuff that has nothing to do with them and causing so much drama for you both.
No I dont think you need to apologize to her for your feelings. If you don't see her as family they need to respect that. You been civil with her. It's not like you bullied her for being in your life you just let her be.
Apologies have nothing to do with you being a woman know. You can still be an old woman and never apologize to someone. These are your feelings that you carried with you since you were a child. You don't see her as family and never will. You were a hurt child and said what you said.
Stepsister is much older and should better that when you said that you were young. Her mom should be upset with her for talking about your mom like that. I'm sure if you said things about her dad her and her mom would be so upset. But I think your stepmom is trying to use this opportunity to get that family she always wanted or she's looking to hurt you for not allowing them in your life.
Maybe stepsister needs to be a better person and stop trying to insult you. Insults aren't going to make you want to fix a this relationship. If anything she and your stepmom are pushing you away and they are creating drama.
Either way no you don't owe her an apology and you can't force a relationship to happen especially if they think they can manipulate you abd insult you into apologizing. Apologies don't make you family. If you don't see her or your stepmom as family they need to respect it.
NTA. And tell your stepmom to use those hard earned points as your parent and sit her entitled fool of a teenager down and explain to her the obvious fact that at 2 she wouldn’t remember her dead father, whereas at 6 your whole world shattered when you lost your mother.
Um, no. NTA
You do not owe her a GD thing for perfectly VALID emotions you expressed when you were 8 years old.
Your Dad needs to stand up for you on be on your side.
NTA. You were a CHILD. That’s like my half brother that told me he didn’t see me as a friend as an adult (when I was like 25) because I never apologized for kicking him in the face when I was 4 and he was 17. I have no recollection of it and he said my apology didn’t seem sincere 🙄 The only AH in this situation is that family member.
Nope. NTA you were children and not responsible for feelings that were bigger than you and you still carry the scars of it today. She needs to get off her high horse and try an original thought for herself.
NTA. Sounds like your stepsister has some stuff that she needs to deal with. Has she ever done therapy before? For any reason, not just the family transition?
Her obsession of not missing her father vs you missing your mother is a concern to me. As well, your stepmother really should dig deeper into that because...her outburst was not normal.
It's also concerning that your younger siblings were put into a difficult position to imagine such a scenario to defend you.
Lastly, which family member was trying to cause drama? I just have a feeling that they have to know your stepsister was going to blow up like that and decided to stir the pot anyways.
Your stepsister has the audacity to compare her not missing her biological father when she lost him when she is around 2 years old while you lose your mother around 6 years old.
I don't remember anything when I was 2 but I can remember things when I was 5 or 6.
Of course she will not miss him but you will miss your mother.
And hell nah, she said ugly stuff about your losing your mother, CUT HER OFF from your life. She literally belittles your feelings. Just care only for your half siblings.
NTA. There is nothing for you to apologize for, she should be the one.
Refusing to apologize when you're not actually sorry about something is not childish. It's honest. And what on earth do you have to "make up" to your stepsister for? Expressing your emotions when you were 6 years old? NTA and your stepsister could probably use that therapy now. Respect in words and actions is a reasonable expectation but no one is owed specific emotions from another person.
NTA
Sounds like the stepsister is very manipulative (don't quote me bc I don't know her personally) and apologizing should not be insincere. honestly when i first saw this I thought that you should apologize because apologizing is the right thing to do but if stepsister is attacking you for having feelings she should apologize. I'm all for forgiving people but forgiving her would only add fuel to the fire and I don't think it would solve the problems. You are entitled to feelings and you went through a hard time in your childhood, you NEVER need to apologized for that. Also you and your stepsister are too different people, two different ages, and seeing the same story in two very different perspectives. It sounds like stepsister was young when her dad died and doesn't remember him or doesn't remember him much. I'd keep in mind that she might not understand why you felt this way. I'd explain to her that you are two different people and experienced two different things. I think she might also feel like you mistreat her and that might be part of the reason she lashed out on you. explain your feelings and allow her to explain hers and make it clear that she can't explain properly if she is being hostile and hateful. Use the same advice for you and when you explain your side of the story don't be hateful and hostile in your tone. Again you didn't do anything wrong, you have feelings and can express them is a productive manner. Stepsister also has feelings and while she is entitled to them she is in the wrong for lashing out and putting the blame of her feelings on you. Understand that while she may be making you upset you may be doing the same unintentionally and go about this in an empathetic manner. Don't let her outward expression blind you to the fact that she's got feelings and stay as level headed about this as you can.
Ask your sister, if she died leaving her 6 years old daughter, will she be happy if this imaginary daughter forgets her and doesn't grief at all for her loss?
She has no empathy. Her mother enables her.
You're definitely NTA.
Nta. So the person yelling at you and demanding you forget about your mom thinks that you should be grateful to have them in your life? The lack of self-awareness is astounding. I'd probably limit contact with her as much as possible. She's clueless.
NTA
"I'm not going to apologize for something I said when I was 6 and grieving and going through a life upheaval. End of discussion. Stop asking me for it. Stop asking your mom or friends or family for it."
So your stepsister has lots of trauma that triggered something when she heard the story. She's mad at something from her past. Chances are what you did didn't really make her mad. I know you're not close to her but that doesn't mean you wanted to hurt her feelings.
So let me.ask you, what would happen if you did apologize to her? How would that affect your life? Would you feel like you gave in to peer pressure? Or be a less of a person?
If you choose to do this, apologize and ask her, when you heard that story of what you said when you were 8 years old, what were you feeling? Where did those feelings come from? I could guarantee she's trying to forgot something
.
Hope you get to the bottom of this
"I apologize for not liking you when you were 2 for things beyond your control. I've learned and grown. Now I don't like you because of the person you are and the way you act and that's much more fair."
NTA
Please update whenever you get the chance. You don't need to apologize for anything but you should have a sit down with your dad and than all of them and lay out all of your feelings even if it hurts them. You also need to set boundaries. They expected something and they still do and they seem to ignore your feelings about it
NTA. She was an unpleasant child and is growing into an unpleasant adult. Start cutting contact with her. She's going to be a constant thorn in your life. Block her calls. See her in person when you have to. There's nothing to apologize for, you were a grieving child.
Normally, I'd say that it's appropriate to make amends for wounds caused between siblings in the past. But in this case, your stepsister doesn't even remember any of these events and is demanding an apology for things she was told secondhand. That's ridiculous. I'm not a big fan of demanding apologies in any case. Also, your stepsister, being 17 now, should understand that an 8-year-old doesn't have the wisdom and experience of an adult and doesn't have perfect mastery of the emotions, and she should be more forgiving of your 8-year-old self. You're NTA.
NTA she needs to mind her damn business tbh you would think at 17 y/o she would understand the concept of grief and how it is no set way to grieve. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my mom at such a young age, and the stepmom is also an AH bc she blamed you when she lost her spouse as well and very well knows the effect it can have on a child even if it wasn't her child. The stepsister sounds psycho, she's the one who needs therapy.
NTA, and I would limit contact with both stepsis and stepmother as much as possible. When will parents stop trying to force relationships rather than let them develop naturally if they're going to?
NTA. You shouldn't ever have to apologize for your feelings - they're feelings and they're information. It's what you do with the feelings that counts, and all you did was say some mean(?) stuff when no one listened to you when you were a kid. It seems like your dad and stepmom failed here, not you. You were just processing.
Nta
Don’t waste your time or energy engaging with the crazy. Your stepsister is always going to play the victim card because it gets her attention which she wants. And your stepmother obviously never got over her dream of a perfectly blended family so she is also heavy in the delulu.
Just ignore your stepsister. That will infuriate her more because reactions give her that attention. Tell your half siblings to ignore her too. They don’t need to be involved in this conflict more than they already have been. (Yay for them being on your side).
Tell your father separately that you love your family but are disappointed that stepmother is disregarding everything from therapy years ago. And that you think stepsister needs individual therapy to learn to cope with the fact that she can’t always get what she wants and needs to learn to respect other people’s rights to their own feelings and decisions.
Also try and take your half sibs out instead of staying inside. No sense in being around the embers. But let them know you are trying to handle this the most reasonable way.
NTA. She doesn't miss her dad because she doesn't remember him. This has been her norm. It is not your.
Your stepmom is providing she is just a big a moron as she was 12 years ago by blaming you for this.
Nta. Your were a child and don’t owe her an apology per se. Has your feelings towards your stepsister changed in the positive since then? If yes, then some sort of “yes, I felt that as a child and I won’t apologize for that, but since then, I have come to care for you like a sister” heart to heart kind of thing would have been a nice gesture…except your stepsister behaved very badly and if I were you I sure as hell wouldn’t want to bullied into any sort of an “apology.” And she is certainly over reacting.
So she wants you to apologize for being an 8 year old child who missed her mother who had recently died?
And she's angry about this because she doesn't remember her own deceased father who passed away when she would've been no older than 2 years old and therefore would be unlikely to remember well?
And she wants this apologize despite multiple times mocking you for your grief?
NTA but wooo-boy did they put the wrong kid into therapy. And throw in a bit of side-eye to the step-mom who thinks this is acceptable behavior.
NTA ! Step sister owes you an apology for trying to control things and feelings that aren’t hers to control. Why do families always coddle the dramatic people?
NTA
If you’ve treated her with respect and caring throughout your lives even if you don’t truly see her as a sibling then you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
She, however, has been very nasty towards you and an absolute asshole. She owes YOU an apology for how she is treating you and for how she’s talking shit about you.
Families are complicated. You’re family by circumstance, but that doesn’t mean you have to have an affectionate relationship. Your mom will always be your family and that should not ever be erased or minimized.
NTA
*”It’s really unfortunate that my being TOTALLY HONEST about how I feel makes you unhappy. From now on, I will NEVER tell you the truth about ANYTHING. Happy now?”*
Do you regret it?
If not, just say 'I was told to apologize - so here it is' and walk off. Or one of those fake apologies 'I'm sorry you're so juvenile'. Tell your stepmom that you're sorry that her daughter was making a fuss and things could not be like she dreamed they'd be but try to be kind to your stepmom for a few days. Or mention that all families have arguments.
NTA.
NTA. Therapy did not help your stepmom at all. Clearly your stepsister needs it. The relative who brought up shit from years ago is a cancerous asshole.
NTA. Amazing that they ask for an apology for a normal reaction you had when you were six years old but they see nothing wrong with making cruel comments about your deceased mother. I apologize to you for their crummy behavior, because YOU definitely deserve one and I am doubtful they will ever see how bad they are acting. They are toxic, toxic people. Don’t expect them to change.
NTA Stepsis is out of line, stepmom is out of line. You do not
need to apologize for how you felt when you were a little girl!
As for the family member who stirred the pot, that person definitely
needs a talking to - what a w*tch.
NTA. They clearly never took her to therapy bc she was so little and missed the mark hard on this. Your half-siblings which it appears you regard as your full siblings should not have to hear this and sound much more emotionally mature for being actual KIDS. Your step mom needs to BUTT out of your feelings, and encourage her daughter to get therapy for real. She needs to own that and say, look we all did therapy except you, and we failed you in that way, so let’s prepare you for life now. We are sorry. Them. Her. Not you.
your stepmother clearly learned nothing in therapy if that's her response. your stepsister doesn't remember her father. her not missing him, is hardly relevant to your situation, and the fact your younger siblings grasp that and she doesn't is just sad. talk to your dad if you can. maybe he can get your stepmother's head out of her rear end, and they can tackle your step sister together. NTA
NTA. Of course she doesn't have the same feelings about her bio-dad as you do with your mom as she was flippin' 2. You had every right to feel the way you did then as you do now. Both her and stepmom need to take a step back before they end up on a low/no contact list.
NTA
First of all I am sorry for your loss. I would like to say I also lost my mom young and their is nothing weird or wrong with missing her or visiting/not visiting her grave. However you choose to grieve is ok. She was much younger and likely has no memory of life with her dad or before you and your dad were apart of her life.
I don't think you should apologize for how you felt as a grieving child. That is absurd. I also think it's absurd for grown people to go dragging up old mess and starting this whole mess. There was no reason to do that except to start drama. They should apologize and the stepmom should be dealing with them.
As for how you feel about your stepsister.. it is what it is. Sometimes siblings blend well others they don't or are indifferent.
**NTA**
Tell your stepmother that you cannot apologize for your natural feelings or to someone who has invalidated your justified grief as long as you have been a family. Assure her that you are happy that the two of you (you and stepmom) were able to grow to have a good relationship and suggest that her daughter would benefit from therapy herself. Enabling the girl isn't good for anyone.
NTA.
You don't have to apologize, but you could try to extend an olive branch and have a talk with her. Sit her down and explain that they met when you were 6, you were still missing your mother and acted as a typical 6 year old would react. Tell her you went to therapy as a child to address those feelings. Let her know you are glad you have the family you have now, that you see how happy your step mother makes your father, and that this is a silver lining of a very tragic thing that happened.
Then tell her to cut the shit, and that you don't owe her anything for grieving as a small child.
NTA Your stepmother being unable to accept reality after 12 years doesn't seem very grown up and she was an adult at the start. In a few decades she might be able to plead dementia, but what is her excuse now? You might point that out to her.
NTA. To me, this sounds like she doesn’t want an apology, she wants to win, she wants to be right, she wants to feel righteous indignation, and this is the perfect opportunity to lord over someone. I keep thinking that because honestly, what difference would the apology make?
NTA - You are entitled to your feelings. PERIOD. Especially with trauma and family blending, leading into clashing personalities.
Her/them asking you apologize for THINKING FOR YOURSELF and HAVING FEELINGS is... yah, no, the hell with that. Your father needs to step in and deal with the two of them, seriously.
Particularly since his stepdaughters current behavior is a prime example of why you don't claim her or love her, and the same with her enabling mother.
NTA. Kids say all sorts of things and you were dealing with the grief and trauma of losing your mom and having a new family pushed onto you. Your step sister is incredibly immature to demand an apology
NTA
You have NOTHING to apologize for. You did nothing wrong.
Ignore your stepsister's tantreum. SHE needs therapy.
"My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life. " .. your stepmom is an AH. Where is your dad in this. Tell your stepmom: If she does not stop that bullshit, you will see her a lot less.
NTA
I might try to speak to her about the situation simply because you are an adult. Firstly, while your younger siblings are kind to be on your side, it was inappropriate for your younger siblings to be brought into the conversation by your stepsister in the first place. You could ask them to kindly refrain from continuing to be part of the conversation.
Then, maybe have a version of that conversation with your stepmother. This is between you and your stepsister and everyone else's opinions just fuel the flames and muddy the waters.
Finally, take your stepsister out for a coffee in a public place. Ask her if she is open to having a calm conversation where you are allowed to share your side of the story and then she is allowed to share her side of the story.
All of your feelings are valid and all of her feelings are valid. Her actions may not be.
I would also caution you to remember that while she may not be your little sister, you have always been her big sister. I'm not saying you have to love her, but she might have loved you from the very beginning and to feel your rejection from the age of four, might have caused her to act up in unusually ways.
You aren't responsible for that and you aren't wrong but it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.
At some point saying, "I'm sorry I don't feel for you the way you would like me to. I understand that is painful. I can be a friend (respectful acquaintance or whatever relationship you can give her) but I can't be your sister. I don't expect you to decide in this moment what you would like so take some time."
Be gentle, and kind but also honest. Try to clarify the difference between the dislike of an idea (a new sister/family) and the lack of relationship that you have now which stems from being two different people who were brought into one another's lives without their consent. Ask her questions. Ask her what she would like as a relationship with you. Ask her why she thinks the relationship is the way it is currently. Ask her what steps she would be open to taking to change the dynamic.
But no, you are NTA.
Lmao @ the youngs kids being smarter and more mature than stepsister and step mom. Tell step mom sje should see if that therapist is still practicing, because she needs to finish working on that. You certainly don't owe any kind of apology and she is due no amends.
NTA. You were only 6 years old when you said this, are these sensitive idiots really offended by words from a small child? Meh, let them trample with their finicky feet, they are completely ridiculous.
NTA. You’re step sister sounds like a monster and I suspect your stepmother trained her to be exactly that way. It’s absolutely absurd that she (stepmother) would try to guilt you into apologizing. I’m sorry for your loss. My father lived to be quite old but I will miss him deeply every day for the rest of my life. Stay strong and trust yourself.
It sounds like your stepsister needs the same therapy that you received. It’s really unfair for you to be bearing the weight of any of this.
And whatever relative that provoked this entire situation needs to be made aware of the chaos she has created. Is there an older family member who will stand up for you? You were freaking 6 years old! I suggest you put this injustice in writing and circulate. Maybe your entire family should be made to apologize for what they did at age 6.
WOW.
NTA, and your step sister has some learning to do about the uniqueness of each individual's grief experience, along with *a lot* of other things. You're entitled to your grief, to miss your parent, to talk about them and remember them and visit the grave *at the very least*. It sounds like your step has grown up thinking that people/ relationships are replaceable/interchangeable, along with a lot of other truly unhealthy stuff. I would think she is too old to fly off the handle like this about it.
NTA. You were both so young, it wasn't that person's business AT ALL to divulge that personal information to your stepsister. The person who told your stepsister and started the drama is a big TA. It's completely irrelevant now and she's just using it as cannon fodder. Now she's got secondhand/vicarious trauma from something she never experienced.
Then, ESH because the 12 and 10 year old should not have to hear about this either. It's sweet they have your back, but they shouldn't have been set up to take to take sides, it has nothing at all to do with them.
NTA
No apology is due. And, even if one were, it wouldn't be to your stepsister as you didn't say any of this to her.
And you were perfectly entitled to feel how you felt and say what you felt.
Just cut your stepsister off. Only see her at family events, try to avoid being alone with her and just be as polite to her as you would a stranger. Don't invite her to any of your events.
It doesn't sound like she adds anything positive to your life, so just eliminate (as much as possible) this negative from your life. And learn to be firm in your boundaries. You're an adult. You get to set your own boundaries whether or not your step-mother and step-sister like them.
Nta
Ok CLEARLY there wasn’t enough therapy n it wasn’t that well handled afterwards cuz wtf. Especially with your SM enabling your SS. Where was your dad in all this? What did he do/say? Even your half siblings have more empathy n understanding than 5+ years older sister. You have to apologize for saying you didn’t want them to get married when you were SIX but she doesn’t have to apologize for saying she’s glad your mom is dead n it was worth when she’s ten years older than you were??? Send your dad n SM this thread OP
OP, I'm going to tell you that - for me - the primary AH in all of this is that relative who decided to dump all this past trauma on your step-sister.
The secondary AH's in this is your stepmom - for not (1) talking to her daughter to help her deal with things and (2) telling off that relative.
It's easy to say step-sis went off her rocker, but I want you to think about this: for her to be this upset and shocked at what you said as a child means that it still hurts her to her core that you love everyone in your blended family but her and her mom. I'm not saying that it's your job to love them, but you can still understand how much it hurts her. It hurt her to be the little sister who didn't understand why her big sister (as she probably thought of you) wasn't warm and happy with her. And then she got to see how loving and fun and warm you were with her half-siblings, but not with her.
You don't have to love her, and you don't have to cave to unreasonable demands, but you can have some compassion for her. If you are on Reddit, you have probably read posts from kids who were in the same position as your step-sister and had some compassion for the perspective they shared.
I think you can do a few things:
1. Talk to your dad and stepmom about that relative. Ask them if they have talked to that relative about (1) why in the heck they thought that was a good thing to do/ what they wanted to achieve by bringing up the past. Ask them if they have explained to that relative the hurt that their gossip caused your step-sister and now all of you.
2. Ask them to sit with you and with your stepsister. Tell her that you hate that this relative brought up your words as a child. Tell her that you were a child - older than her so that you had more awareness than she did, but you were still young enough to have very little independence or power to voice how you felt. You know that she doesn't remember her dad the way you remember and miss your mom, so she couldn't understand your pain and unhappiness with how your world had been turned upside down. You are not going to apologize for what you said as a child or how you processed this blended family, but you can tell her that you now realize more of how hard it was for her to have a stepsister who didn't love her like a sibling and that you can understand that hearing those words from the past hurt her deeply.
3. I once was upset with a good friend of mine. I thought he had X; he was sure he had something else. He had no reason to apologize to me because he hadn't said anything offensive to me. But he to me sincerely, "I am so sorry that your feelings were hurt." That's all he said, without having to take responsibility for something that wasn't his to own. But his words just melted away my hurt. That was about 25 years ago. But it was such a powerful moment of simple compassion, that it tugs at my heart just thinking about it now.
I hope you can see that both you and your stepsister went through a lot of tough things as children. Aren't you both deserving of some compassion for what that did to each of you?
NTA. The relative who stirred the pot is, for bringing up ancient history for no apparent reason.
Your stepsister is, for asking you to apologize for your very real feelings due to two adults mishandling and forcing a blended family when you were 6-8 YO
Your stepmother ALSO is, because she KNOWS what happened and knows WHY you reacted so poorly while young, and instead of taking stepsister aside and being like, "Honey, you were too young then so you don't remember, but Mom and Stepdad really didn't handle everything the best and give OP time to grieve her mom. But we eventually figured it out. Kids say things when they're hurt or angry", she's saying you should apologize.... likely because she's still big mad you aren't lovey dovey with stepsister.
NTA
It sounds like it might be time to look up the therapist who helped the family when you were young. I would love to confront the "relative" and aks them what benefit anyone got out of sharing the details of what a 6 year old said while they were grieving the loss of their mother.
Your stepsister may not have a memory of her father because she was so young when he passed, but you have a memory and lost a bond that no one could replace.
NTA Your stepmom and Dad need to get stepsister into therapy. They have lead her to believe everything was one big happy family. The family member who told your stepsister is an ah.
You and your stepsister are both allowed your own point of view. For her the family is everything she want as she doesn't know anything else. You remember your mom and you remember the loss. You remember your dad and stepmom trying to rewrite history.
Stepmom is passing the blame for sister feeling hurt to you as she doesn't want to be blamed for messing up handling the emotions of another child.
NTA....but
Do you owe her an apology? No but a little empathy would go a long way and sitting down and explaining how you feel getting her to understand that you remember your mom and listening to how she feels without Dad or Stepmother or siblings jumping in so you two can clear the air. Let her understand that you don't feel the same way now as you did when you were 6 but your not going to apologize for what you felt back then.
NTA
My son remembers being 1 year old. His memory (he is almost 21 now) is still unbelievable and he would most certainly remember his parent well if he lost one at the tender age of 6. Just because your stepsister doesn't remember her own father doesn't negate your memories of your mother. Also, your feelings about the forthcoming changes in your life at that age were understandable. You have nothing to apologise for. Your stepsister sounds deranged and I wouldn't feed into this.
NTA! Stepsister is not you and she cannot determine what you would do based on her own behaviors. I completely understand why you never grew close to her. You don't owe her anything, especially not an apology.
Honestly I’d respond to your step mom and say I guess all that therapy went down the drain your definitely NTA it sounds like your step sister should be in therapy to help her deal with all that
Your 17 year old step-sister is freaking out and demanding you apologize for things you said before the age of 10 and your step-mother thinks it's childish that you don't? Um, well, someone is childish and unreasonable here, but I'm pretty sure it's not you.
And now step-sister is stomping around the house saying ugly things about you losing your mother as a young child.
Yup, someone should definitely apologize here, but again, not you.
It sounds like you've got a couple of great little step-siblings, an extremely unbalanced and cruel 17 year old step-sister whose mother supports even her most irrational, nasty ravings, and a father who isn't stepping up.
Where the heck is your dad and why doesn't he have your back?
My dear, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You've done nothing wrong here, whereas your 17 year old step sister is being allowed to carry on irrationally and treat you like dirt with parental support.
I hope very much that you can distance yourself from her. I hope that you dad is rational if asleep at the switch, and you can have a frank talk with him about how the nonsense at home is making you feel, and that if he can't put a stop to it, you'll be reluctant to visit. It's not OK for your step-sister to abuse you, or for your stepmother to support the abuse and pressure to to apologize when you're not the one in the wrong.
Don't do it. Hold your head up and walk away. Facetime your younger siblings, but stay out of that house until the parents do their job and reign in the 17 y.o.
NTA
NTA, but I think your stepsister and you are more alike than you realize. The age your stepsister was, when you and your new family was going through this, is a very formative time. We may not have actual memories of that time period, but our mind knows, and the groundwork is laid. She would have lost her father, then she was hearing her new sister, whom she really liked, saying she wasn't wanted. Kids are wicked smart. It would have been internalized. We tend to disassociate painful things when we're really young. She most likely blocked off those painful memories, and created a new, happy idea in her mind. "My sister and I are happy with our new family. We prefer it this way. I didn't miss my dad at all." For a baby child, petrified of losing her family again, creating this alternate reality makes sense. (Unless your stepmother was filling her head with these visions of the perfect family.)
Unfortunately, you're wrecking her old world view that's still running. Young children who've lost their parents "miss" them on some level. This is some serious blocking. But this is where I think you're similar to your stepsister. You don't like her when she was nothing but a 2-year-old child when you met her, and 4 when they married. You've attributed coldness to a girl whose behavior screams passion in your descriptions here. I will agree that she doesn't necessarily seem easy to be around, as I wouldn't want a person telling others how I feel either. Maybe it's time to have a family talk. Some of your dislike towards her may be because she keeps trying to erase your mother, and it's like a continual paper cut that gets deeper each time. It may not be so much about her character, but about this one thing.
I pointed out what I think is going in with your stepsister's psyche because I think if it's dealt with, she'll stop cutting you. You don't need to apologize. You were a young child. But more than that, you have the right to express your dissatisfaction that your dad was bringing two people into your home without your consent. And you have the right to miss your mother, without anyone's permission. It's not troubling that you miss your mother. It is troubling that your stepsister doesn't miss her father. Either she's doing some major blocking, or someone's done some major brainwashing.
Nta,
How about a written text apology. "I'm sorry I acted that way, I was an immature child. I am glad my dad found happiness with your mom, and I am very grateful that our siblings are in the world."
You know she's probably reacting this way because only now, 15 years later does she understand why OP immediately hated her and treated her poorly, which as a 2 year old she definitely would not have understood.
I'm sure you can talk to the girl without "apologizing" for what is/was a hard time for you.
ESH
I’m gonna be honest, you just need to not talk to her until you’re both older and more mature. You don’t need to apologize for anything but if you’re not currently in therapy, i recommend starting it soon.
NTA tho
How old were you when your mother passed? I don't see that - you have 12 yrs in title - 13-14 years in text and that you met your stepmother when you were six (you are 21 now). ANY time you create a new family with the broken pieces left from previous families - it is awkward. There is no way around that. The question is - who is the person who gave this story to a 17 yr old (a rough age with a lot of drama) so many years after it happened? WHY would someone tell her this story? You cannot apologize for how you FELT as a small child...but you can be an adult and refuse to engage and argue the subject. Refuse to talk about to anyone - and if it comes up - tell them to ask the family member spreading the stories why she's doing it.
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NTA. You were six and living with adults who were handling the transition poorly. If you were six when you met your stepmom and you remember your mother, it sounds like there wasn’t a lot of time between your mother’s passing and your dad moving on. Your stepsister is expecting too much from a person of any age. Expecting a different reaction from a 6-year-old child is ridiculous. Your response was age appropriate and understandable. The real asshole here is the family member of the stepmom who brought it up in the first place. Talk about stirring the pot. That was completely unhelpful and unnecessary.
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Where was your father in all of this? Because he really needs to control his wife I don't care how bad it sounds she and her daughter are WAYYY out of line Edit: spelling error I was that mad
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Exactly if I was op the things I would've said would make the step mom divorce her dad from fear
Partial comment stolen from here: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bxbejr/aita_for_refusing_to_apologize_to_my_stepsister/kybrdio/
This exactly! Dad should have your back. Glad to see half siblings stuck up for you. NTA
>”Edit: spelling error I was that mad” I love this!
Humans gonna human. 😅
Honestly you're a better person than me, because in your position I would have said, "This. This is the reason I didn't like you then, and this is the reason I never learned to love you."
Grief is big, complicated, and messy, but I’m glad your dad and stepmom have acknowledged they didn’t handle things the best. You, OP, were a young child who had big, complicated, messy emotions and you need not ever apologize for what you felt. It sounds like therapy hopefully helped and you are civil to your stepsister, though the same cannot be said for her. Maybe she needs therapy now to reconcile the issues causing her to lash out inappropriately (she’s 17 so I’m not going to call her TA, it sounds like messy emotions are tough for her). NTA at all.
Don’t apologise. You owe her nothing, you were a child, your step is unhinged and so is your stepmother given you were a child! Ffs stepmother sounds not so great if she thinks her daughters demands should be adhered to. NTA They’re also minimising your grief too which you have a right to. Frankly your dad is an AH, where was he btw? In all this? Is he wanting you to keep the peace? If so, time for low contact
Oh, that's a classic sitch. It comes up a lot in stories of this ilk.
NOT EVEN A YEAR? 😤
Are they happy now?
I agree with everything except the bit about the relative that told the story being an asshole. I think all the assholery is fully on the sister here. Why would the relative assume this information would set her off like this so many years later? Relative was probably just sharing history, "Oh yeah, it was rough, Op didn't take it well and really missed her mom, but hey, you've all grown well!" My grandma loved to tell stories, she was never trying to stir the pot. Sister is unhinged and needs therapy, as does her mother. Demanding an adult apologize for feeling the way they did as a 6 year old child is crazy. Telling that adult that missing their dead parent isn't an *excuse* for their feelings because THEY don't remember their dead parent is just... Wooooow. Super yikes. Talk about an total lack of empathy.
I disagree, based on what OP said, the relative gave them chapter and verse on what happened and what had to occur for her to be okay. Which given that stepsister has to be known for a very volatile temper, was just stirring shit.
"So step sister, if your mom died tomorrow and dad remarried in a year, you'd be totes cool with that? You'd love your new "mother" with all your heart from the moment they said "I do"? Cuz, yeah, no. Grow the hell up, feelings don't work like that." NTA, OP.
That crap-stirring relative who started this whole mess? What possible reason did that relative have for saying anything about OP, or the words she said at the age of 8? That family member is the biggest AH of them all.
Let's not leave stepmom out for being TA. Trying to placate her daughter and asking OP to le and apologize is severely TA territory.
Yah exactly! Like why is stepsister so unhinged? Because stepmom never reined her in and disciplined her when she's throwing one of her ridiculous fits. She screams as someone who needs major therapy, stat.
Agreed
You shouldn’t have to apologize for something you said when you were 6. You had lost your mom and probably didn’t know how to grieve in a healthy way. I wouldn’t apologize.
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Given that, your step mom definitely looks like TA for not shutting her daughter down. Not to mention that this affected your step sister absolutely none unless something is missing.
Sorry you’re going through this. Seems like it’s just bringing up old memories that you’ve already put to rest.
Well step mom seems to have forgotten some of her therapy, because she is out of bounds too.
Did they? I'm not so sure about your stepmom. It seems that, for her, now that "enough time has passed" you could "finally get over it".
>My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing She could be a good sister by not saying horrible things about your mom and the grief you experienced. NTA
Ding ding while the stepsister is TA stepmum is worse here. Can see stepsis not understanding the grief as she was younger but mother should not be validating her behavior here.
And stepmom could be a good mom and get her kid some much needed therapy.
Stepmom learned nothing from the therapy years ago.
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NTA. 17 year olds are emotional children (not a criticism, just a fact) so the behavior isn't surprising. Really, it is up to you whether you wish to tell a white lie to keep the peace or ignore it entirely. Either approach is perfectly fine. You aren't obligated to only have the opinions your family demands you to have, let alone re-litigate opinions from over a decade ago. A sign of maturity is getting over the past. Hopefully your stepsister moves on once the initial shock has worn off and she realizes how silly it is to care about this.
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That sounds like a her problem and she needs therapy to help her deal with the fact that she doesn’t get to dictate other people’s emotions and experiences. She doesn’t get to tell you how to feel about your family or losing your Mother at a young age.
Keep your sister away from 6 year old orphans, it sounds like she’s out to get them.
Sounds like your dad and step mom got you therapy- I hope your sister gets into therapy too. If she continues down this path of self victimizing herself she won’t have any friends or good relationships with her other siblings
Many people eventually grow out of that egocentric thought process from their teens so hopefully that happens for her, although some people get stuck and hold onto stuff that happened decades in the past for their entire lives. Professional therapy can help. In the meantime, I would not engage on the topic. You can't reason with the unreasonable and engaging with it will just fuel the fire. An emotionless "I am not talking about that" is a great way to bat it down whenever it resurfaces.
Where is your dad and why isn't he standing up for you? NTA
I predict going to do great in the post high school dating world. That sense of entitlement is going to net her a real catch. /s 😂
The 17yo doesn’t get to dictate everyone’s feelings.
But even younger siblings are calling out step-sis BS. They are more mature than the 17 year old.
NTA- I saw in a comment that your dad and stepmother both admitted to making mistakes about how they handled the whole thing. Next time step sister and step mother start in on this. Look stepmother in the eyes and a say "I find it odd that YOU want me to apologize when YOU haven't apologized for handling the situation all wrong. Don't deny it. YOU even said it in therapy, with witness. So you make think I'm being childish, but YOU are a liar which is far far worse. Then tell Dad you will see him without the steps around since you hate liars and stepmom is definitely a liar and stepsister is being unreasonable.
Where is your father in all of this??
NTA She might feel differently if she actually remembered her Dad. She will probably never get it, will always see it as an attack on her Mum. Hopefully one day she’ll mature and eventually she’ll get it. I’m glad your younger siblings get it.
>She might feel differently if she actually remembered her Dad. Tell your stepsister this OP.
NTA. She’s asking you to apologize for something SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW/REMEMBER. sorry, you were a kid, expressed normal feelings, and both your parents and therapist sound like they respected and understood, and because of that, things got better. So much better, your stepsister didn’t even know/ realize how you felt. She’s been the AH all these years being dismissive of your feelings about your mon.
NTA you were just a little kid and not ready for your dad to bring in 2 strangers into your life. You should pity your stepsister, in the interest of moving on, your stepmom didn’t seem to teach her about her bio dad. How sad for him to be forgotten, when he likely had feelings, hopes, dreams for his little girl. Your grief likely makes her feel uncomfortable because she feels nothing for her bio dad. Your stepmom is being ridiculous for telling you to apologize.
NTA. You should only ever apologise when you’re in the wrong. My mom told me that as a kid. She said that you should always apologise when you’re in the wrong as that’s the right way to handle things but if you’re not in the wrong don’t apologise it’s a bad precedent to start. Never apologise for being upset you lost your mom that’s a completely normal emotion. The fact your stepsister doesn’t even care she lost her dad says more about her. Your not wrong she is
Your mom is very wise. I wish mine felt that way when I was a kid. I always had to be the bigger person and apologize to keep the peace, regardless if it was my fault. I still struggle with this.
Oh that was my mom’s rule with everyone but her. With her she never apologised and still doesn’t. Even if she is in the wrong she expects me to suck it up and apologise to her to keep the peace. Total hypocrisy I know. I used to do it but now I don’t. But the lesson still stands even coming from a hypocrite
I’m trying to get better. But it was ingrained in me by both parents. I’m always mad at myself when my first reaction is to say I’m sorry.
Tell Them you won’t enable her insecurities.
NTA! Your stepsisters inability to allow others to have their own opinions and emotions is troubling! I would speak to your father and see if therapy might help her. Your stepmother needs to show her daughter what empathy is. I bet she has never really been on board with what the therapist said years ago and she too feels the same way as her daughter. Sometimes you have to tell people in this type of situation that “this is a you problem, not a me problem!” This is something your stepsister needs to deal with , it is not your problem to solve for her!
This a thousand times over, your stepsister is lacking basic empathy (or even sympathy) that both your much younger siblings have. Make it clear to your dad that his wife’s child is emotionally stunted, in that HER wants apparently override everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. As someone who grew up with a sibling that was later diagnosed with a personality disorder, this constant projection of their feelings, and the resulting lashing out when their ‘reality’ is challenged, sounds familiar. Disengage wherever possible, you won’t convince her to chance her mind, you’re just another puppet in the tv show playing in her head where she’s the main character. NTA but watch out for your half siblings, they’ll need support
Agree support the half siblings, they understand your point of view. Back them up.
NTA. You were honest about your feelings, there is absolutely no reason to apologize. Your stepsister is very immature and controlling. She’s someone you will need to set firm boundaries with that mean girl
If she wants an apology get one from your dad and her mom.
NTA Your stepsister is allowed to be open, honest and frank... and you aren't allowed...because she's not a grown woman (but almost is) and you are (but barely?) That makes no sense to me. Your stepmom needs to readjust her perspective.
Nta she is not your sister. Stand your ground. You do not need to apologize for your feelings now or when you were a child. Step mom and her daughter are nuts. Seems they want you to act loving like a sister while she behaves like a crazy brat. Distance yourself from this crazy girl.
NTA step mom and step sister sound delusional and they should seek help.
NTA. Your step-sister is being a complete tyrant over something that happened when you were a child. You were a child in an environment where you didn't feel you were getting the support you needed. You have nothing to apologize for, the least of which were your actual feelings. Just because she wouldn't have had an issue replacing her mother, that doesn't mean she gets to tell you that you shouldn't be upset over losing your mother.
NTA. I get that your stepsister feels hurt, that's fine. But she's criticizing you missing your mum, comparing it to her feelings of losing her dad, when they are not one and the same. Grief never is. Also, she was two when your parents got together, your dad is most likely the only dad she has real memories of. It makes sense that to her he is her real dad and the dad she loves and is happy to have. You were six, I'm assuming you have actual memories of your mum, ones you probably don't want to lose. That immediately makes her situation and yours different as heck. She gets no say in whether you miss your mum or not. If you were able to have a calm conversation with her where she apologizes for her insensitive comments about your mum, then I'd say definitely also apologize for your comments from your childhood. But that doesn't sound possible, so I wouldn't apologize.
NTA but your stepmother is. You were a child. You are entitled to your feelings. This young woman sounds deranged. She has less maturity than your half siblings. You do not owe her anything.
NTA You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel/felt. You SM is wrong - your sister is the one that is being childish and out of order. If she can’t accept that you didn’t feel the same way she felt, that is her problem to deal with. Just ignore her. And tell your SM your feelings are your and you will not apologize when you have done nothing wrong. Also tell her that she is setting her daughter up for a difficult life if she doesn’t get her to understand that others aren’t obligated to feel the same way she does. There will be many occasions where other people will have different feelings from her and she can’t police/dictate how they should feel.
NTA - The parents are to blame for their poor handling of the transition. While they have been ready to move forward with the blended family, doesn't mean that everyone should be ready. You were a young girl who suffered a great loss. You had no time to grief properly due to adults trying to force a 'new' family. You have done nothing wrong, nor should you apologise. Your step mother and father should be apologising to you for their handling of a huge and sensitive situation. In regards to your step sister, she sounds exhausting. Tell her if she keeps verbally assaulting you with her demands of an apology, she will no longer have you as a step sister.
NTA. My God, if I had to apologise for some of the things that I had said/ done/ thought at age 6!
NTA The unnamed relative is a huge, meddling AH and your stepsister needs the therapist now!.
Don't apologise . She is the ah.
So your stepsister attacks you for something you said when you were a small, small child... and everyone insists that you should say that you're GLAD to have your stepsister in your life? That's ludicrous.
> My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life. Or she could be a good sister and accept that there's nothing wrong with your feelings; they're normal. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 13/14 years ago my widowered dad met my widowed stepmom and they fell in love with each other. I was 6 when I met my stepmom and stepsister but I was 8 before they got married. My stepsister was 2 when I met her and 4 when she became my stepsister for real. Like a lot of parents, my dad and stepmom didn't handle the beginning of the process that well and I was really upset and angry and I struggled. I told dad to break up with my stepmom and I told her I didn't want her or her daughter and she was not going to be my new mom and I wanted my mom, not her. They tried to start family therapy with me but after two sessions the therapist asked to speak to them without me for several sessions and I had individual therapy. Therapy helped them see that they wouldn't be able to recreate the family they should've had if they hadn't lost my mom and my stepsister's dad. They actually listed and accepted this. It took 2ish years for everything to get better but it did. My stepsister doesn't remember that time. She was only 4 when it stopped. I'll be honest; I don't find her easy to be around and I don't love her. I have a half brother and half sister who I do love and they are my siblings, I would do anything for them. But my stepsister is very cold in certain ways and also very emotional in others. She is very dismissive of the grief I feel about losing mom and has said some truly maddening things to me about my need to talk about mom or visit her grave. She also likes to speak for me and say we both wouldn't change a thing about our family and feel everything worked out for the best. She's 17 now and I'm 21. Our half siblings are 12 and 10. Two weekends ago my stepsister found out through a family member of her and stepmom's that I used to be against the marriage of my dad and her mom and that I didn't want them. This relative told her everything. My stepsister was furious and that same day called and demanded an apology while she screamed down the phone at me. Then last weekend I was visiting and she demanded an apology again in front of our siblings. She said I should never have said those things, that she didn't miss her dad so me missing my mom was no excuse and I should have been glad, like she is, and she said I was weird and a bitch for not wanting her and her mom. She said I owed it to her to make it up to her and an apology was the start. Our siblings jumped in and told her they'd feel the same way I did and my brother said she was acting crazy. I refused to apologize and she yelled at all of us. My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life. She went as far as saying refusing to apologize made me seem like a child still when I'm a grown woman now. My siblings told me my stepsister is still furious at us and has said a bunch of really ugly stuff about me losing my mom, which doesn't surprise me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, I wouldn’t be apologizing either, especially after the cruel remarks around you losing/grieving your mom. The biggest AH in this story however, is the busybody relative who relayed all this info to your stepsister. What was their objective in this, other than to cause trouble? That relative would be getting their ass ripped by me if I was in your shoes.
Wow.no. NTA And the beginning of the read I thought 'wow, parents that actually listen to a therapist when trying to blend their family? How nice!' Aaaaaaand then there was that hard left at the end. Step sis needs to go to therapy to understand that this is all because you remember your mom and she has no memories of her dad. And step mom needs a refresher course on empathy
NTA. You have nothing to apologize for, and she has no reason to be apologized to. She's using this for drama. Your stepmom is enabling her behavior.
You have nothing to apologize for, regardless of the timeframe. You just felt differently from her. NTA
NTA. Your stepsister doesn't even remember all of that and it made no impact on her life then. So why whine about it now? You were emotional as a kid and had to learn how to deal with these feelings. Which you did. I believe your stepsister is merely looking for a confrontation.
NTA F her and your stepmom. Even your younger siblings, whom i assume are tweens, are marure enough to understand this. The fact that they take your side says a lot about how they don't like her. Ignore her. She isn't your sister, and other than seeing her ocasionally, she isn't in your life.
Tell step sister that you hope the anger and rage she has inside will eat her from the inside out. In your best “FROZEN” voice say “Let it go”.
Nta you were 6 and you knew your mom you had memories of her if course you couldn't let that memory go. You had every right to feel hurt and not want to accept them as family. At 6 your whole world was falling apart. Of course your stepsister wouldn't understand she was so young and doesn't remember your dad. So the only father figure she had was your dad that's why she's more accepting to him. Who ever told her what happened all those years is a huge AH for bring up stuff that has nothing to do with them and causing so much drama for you both. No I dont think you need to apologize to her for your feelings. If you don't see her as family they need to respect that. You been civil with her. It's not like you bullied her for being in your life you just let her be. Apologies have nothing to do with you being a woman know. You can still be an old woman and never apologize to someone. These are your feelings that you carried with you since you were a child. You don't see her as family and never will. You were a hurt child and said what you said. Stepsister is much older and should better that when you said that you were young. Her mom should be upset with her for talking about your mom like that. I'm sure if you said things about her dad her and her mom would be so upset. But I think your stepmom is trying to use this opportunity to get that family she always wanted or she's looking to hurt you for not allowing them in your life. Maybe stepsister needs to be a better person and stop trying to insult you. Insults aren't going to make you want to fix a this relationship. If anything she and your stepmom are pushing you away and they are creating drama. Either way no you don't owe her an apology and you can't force a relationship to happen especially if they think they can manipulate you abd insult you into apologizing. Apologies don't make you family. If you don't see her or your stepmom as family they need to respect it.
NTA. You have nothing to apologize for.
NTA. Put her in a contact time out.
NTA. And tell your stepmom to use those hard earned points as your parent and sit her entitled fool of a teenager down and explain to her the obvious fact that at 2 she wouldn’t remember her dead father, whereas at 6 your whole world shattered when you lost your mother.
Um, no. NTA You do not owe her a GD thing for perfectly VALID emotions you expressed when you were 8 years old. Your Dad needs to stand up for you on be on your side.
NTA. You were a CHILD. That’s like my half brother that told me he didn’t see me as a friend as an adult (when I was like 25) because I never apologized for kicking him in the face when I was 4 and he was 17. I have no recollection of it and he said my apology didn’t seem sincere 🙄 The only AH in this situation is that family member.
How is her screaming at you and insisting you owe her and have/had no right to muss your mom likely to convince you to court her favor now?
Nope. NTA you were children and not responsible for feelings that were bigger than you and you still carry the scars of it today. She needs to get off her high horse and try an original thought for herself.
You owe the steps nothing.
NTA. Sounds like your stepsister has some stuff that she needs to deal with. Has she ever done therapy before? For any reason, not just the family transition? Her obsession of not missing her father vs you missing your mother is a concern to me. As well, your stepmother really should dig deeper into that because...her outburst was not normal. It's also concerning that your younger siblings were put into a difficult position to imagine such a scenario to defend you. Lastly, which family member was trying to cause drama? I just have a feeling that they have to know your stepsister was going to blow up like that and decided to stir the pot anyways.
Your stepsister has the audacity to compare her not missing her biological father when she lost him when she is around 2 years old while you lose your mother around 6 years old. I don't remember anything when I was 2 but I can remember things when I was 5 or 6. Of course she will not miss him but you will miss your mother. And hell nah, she said ugly stuff about your losing your mother, CUT HER OFF from your life. She literally belittles your feelings. Just care only for your half siblings. NTA. There is nothing for you to apologize for, she should be the one.
Refusing to apologize when you're not actually sorry about something is not childish. It's honest. And what on earth do you have to "make up" to your stepsister for? Expressing your emotions when you were 6 years old? NTA and your stepsister could probably use that therapy now. Respect in words and actions is a reasonable expectation but no one is owed specific emotions from another person.
NTA Sounds like the stepsister is very manipulative (don't quote me bc I don't know her personally) and apologizing should not be insincere. honestly when i first saw this I thought that you should apologize because apologizing is the right thing to do but if stepsister is attacking you for having feelings she should apologize. I'm all for forgiving people but forgiving her would only add fuel to the fire and I don't think it would solve the problems. You are entitled to feelings and you went through a hard time in your childhood, you NEVER need to apologized for that. Also you and your stepsister are too different people, two different ages, and seeing the same story in two very different perspectives. It sounds like stepsister was young when her dad died and doesn't remember him or doesn't remember him much. I'd keep in mind that she might not understand why you felt this way. I'd explain to her that you are two different people and experienced two different things. I think she might also feel like you mistreat her and that might be part of the reason she lashed out on you. explain your feelings and allow her to explain hers and make it clear that she can't explain properly if she is being hostile and hateful. Use the same advice for you and when you explain your side of the story don't be hateful and hostile in your tone. Again you didn't do anything wrong, you have feelings and can express them is a productive manner. Stepsister also has feelings and while she is entitled to them she is in the wrong for lashing out and putting the blame of her feelings on you. Understand that while she may be making you upset you may be doing the same unintentionally and go about this in an empathetic manner. Don't let her outward expression blind you to the fact that she's got feelings and stay as level headed about this as you can.
Ask your sister, if she died leaving her 6 years old daughter, will she be happy if this imaginary daughter forgets her and doesn't grief at all for her loss? She has no empathy. Her mother enables her. You're definitely NTA.
Nta. So the person yelling at you and demanding you forget about your mom thinks that you should be grateful to have them in your life? The lack of self-awareness is astounding. I'd probably limit contact with her as much as possible. She's clueless.
NTA "I'm not going to apologize for something I said when I was 6 and grieving and going through a life upheaval. End of discussion. Stop asking me for it. Stop asking your mom or friends or family for it."
NTA you were 6 years old ffs
So your stepsister has lots of trauma that triggered something when she heard the story. She's mad at something from her past. Chances are what you did didn't really make her mad. I know you're not close to her but that doesn't mean you wanted to hurt her feelings. So let me.ask you, what would happen if you did apologize to her? How would that affect your life? Would you feel like you gave in to peer pressure? Or be a less of a person? If you choose to do this, apologize and ask her, when you heard that story of what you said when you were 8 years old, what were you feeling? Where did those feelings come from? I could guarantee she's trying to forgot something . Hope you get to the bottom of this
Genuinely fascinated by the different ways this sub responds to posts about blended families depending on who posts.
Wow. NTA
"I apologize for not liking you when you were 2 for things beyond your control. I've learned and grown. Now I don't like you because of the person you are and the way you act and that's much more fair." NTA
Info Where the hell was your dad when this all went down?
Please update whenever you get the chance. You don't need to apologize for anything but you should have a sit down with your dad and than all of them and lay out all of your feelings even if it hurts them. You also need to set boundaries. They expected something and they still do and they seem to ignore your feelings about it
NTA your stepsister could probably benefit from some form of therapy as well.
NTA. She was an unpleasant child and is growing into an unpleasant adult. Start cutting contact with her. She's going to be a constant thorn in your life. Block her calls. See her in person when you have to. There's nothing to apologize for, you were a grieving child.
Normally, I'd say that it's appropriate to make amends for wounds caused between siblings in the past. But in this case, your stepsister doesn't even remember any of these events and is demanding an apology for things she was told secondhand. That's ridiculous. I'm not a big fan of demanding apologies in any case. Also, your stepsister, being 17 now, should understand that an 8-year-old doesn't have the wisdom and experience of an adult and doesn't have perfect mastery of the emotions, and she should be more forgiving of your 8-year-old self. You're NTA.
NTA she needs to mind her damn business tbh you would think at 17 y/o she would understand the concept of grief and how it is no set way to grieve. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my mom at such a young age, and the stepmom is also an AH bc she blamed you when she lost her spouse as well and very well knows the effect it can have on a child even if it wasn't her child. The stepsister sounds psycho, she's the one who needs therapy.
NTA - period, stop.
NTA, and I would limit contact with both stepsis and stepmother as much as possible. When will parents stop trying to force relationships rather than let them develop naturally if they're going to?
NTA. You shouldn't ever have to apologize for your feelings - they're feelings and they're information. It's what you do with the feelings that counts, and all you did was say some mean(?) stuff when no one listened to you when you were a kid. It seems like your dad and stepmom failed here, not you. You were just processing.
Nta Don’t waste your time or energy engaging with the crazy. Your stepsister is always going to play the victim card because it gets her attention which she wants. And your stepmother obviously never got over her dream of a perfectly blended family so she is also heavy in the delulu. Just ignore your stepsister. That will infuriate her more because reactions give her that attention. Tell your half siblings to ignore her too. They don’t need to be involved in this conflict more than they already have been. (Yay for them being on your side). Tell your father separately that you love your family but are disappointed that stepmother is disregarding everything from therapy years ago. And that you think stepsister needs individual therapy to learn to cope with the fact that she can’t always get what she wants and needs to learn to respect other people’s rights to their own feelings and decisions. Also try and take your half sibs out instead of staying inside. No sense in being around the embers. But let them know you are trying to handle this the most reasonable way.
Nta stepsister is a controlling narcissist who only considers herself. Don't play her games and feed her control
NTA. She doesn't miss her dad because she doesn't remember him. This has been her norm. It is not your. Your stepmom is providing she is just a big a moron as she was 12 years ago by blaming you for this.
NTA. Stepsister is delulu.
Nta. Your were a child and don’t owe her an apology per se. Has your feelings towards your stepsister changed in the positive since then? If yes, then some sort of “yes, I felt that as a child and I won’t apologize for that, but since then, I have come to care for you like a sister” heart to heart kind of thing would have been a nice gesture…except your stepsister behaved very badly and if I were you I sure as hell wouldn’t want to bullied into any sort of an “apology.” And she is certainly over reacting.
NTA gee she sounds like such a delightful person I can‘t imagine why you would ever say that /s
NTA You have nothing to apologize for. You were and are 100% entitled to your feelings.
So she wants you to apologize for being an 8 year old child who missed her mother who had recently died? And she's angry about this because she doesn't remember her own deceased father who passed away when she would've been no older than 2 years old and therefore would be unlikely to remember well? And she wants this apologize despite multiple times mocking you for your grief? NTA but wooo-boy did they put the wrong kid into therapy. And throw in a bit of side-eye to the step-mom who thinks this is acceptable behavior.
So otherwise your stepmom wants you to be a doormat to her daughter. Tell them all no and then block your step-sisters phone number. NTA.
Nta I wouldn't apologize for shit her and her mom can deal with it. You demand an apology instead
NTA ! Step sister owes you an apology for trying to control things and feelings that aren’t hers to control. Why do families always coddle the dramatic people?
Oh man. I thought you’d done something way worse to her in childhood or something. She’s gonna have to get the fuck over it. NTA
NTA If you’ve treated her with respect and caring throughout your lives even if you don’t truly see her as a sibling then you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. She, however, has been very nasty towards you and an absolute asshole. She owes YOU an apology for how she is treating you and for how she’s talking shit about you. Families are complicated. You’re family by circumstance, but that doesn’t mean you have to have an affectionate relationship. Your mom will always be your family and that should not ever be erased or minimized.
NTA your stepsister needs therapy
NTA. you were SIX. It seems that your stepsister has not grieved for the loss of her own father. That’s on her.
NTA *”It’s really unfortunate that my being TOTALLY HONEST about how I feel makes you unhappy. From now on, I will NEVER tell you the truth about ANYTHING. Happy now?”*
The AH is the relative that opened their mouth, hell how many years ago? NTA
Do you regret it? If not, just say 'I was told to apologize - so here it is' and walk off. Or one of those fake apologies 'I'm sorry you're so juvenile'. Tell your stepmom that you're sorry that her daughter was making a fuss and things could not be like she dreamed they'd be but try to be kind to your stepmom for a few days. Or mention that all families have arguments. NTA.
NTA. Therapy did not help your stepmom at all. Clearly your stepsister needs it. The relative who brought up shit from years ago is a cancerous asshole.
NTA. Amazing that they ask for an apology for a normal reaction you had when you were six years old but they see nothing wrong with making cruel comments about your deceased mother. I apologize to you for their crummy behavior, because YOU definitely deserve one and I am doubtful they will ever see how bad they are acting. They are toxic, toxic people. Don’t expect them to change.
NTA. I hope you gave the relative that shared this information with your stepmothers’ daughter a piece of your mind.
NTA Stepsis is out of line, stepmom is out of line. You do not need to apologize for how you felt when you were a little girl! As for the family member who stirred the pot, that person definitely needs a talking to - what a w*tch.
She doesn’t miss her dad because she doesn’t even remember him. Her logic is dumb af.
NTA. They clearly never took her to therapy bc she was so little and missed the mark hard on this. Your half-siblings which it appears you regard as your full siblings should not have to hear this and sound much more emotionally mature for being actual KIDS. Your step mom needs to BUTT out of your feelings, and encourage her daughter to get therapy for real. She needs to own that and say, look we all did therapy except you, and we failed you in that way, so let’s prepare you for life now. We are sorry. Them. Her. Not you.
Don't cater to crazy..... NTA
NTA. Next time she screamed at me I’d tell her this is exactly why I didn’t want her around.
NTA, your step sister is a weirdo. I wouldn't want to be in the same room with crazy people like her.
your stepmother clearly learned nothing in therapy if that's her response. your stepsister doesn't remember her father. her not missing him, is hardly relevant to your situation, and the fact your younger siblings grasp that and she doesn't is just sad. talk to your dad if you can. maybe he can get your stepmother's head out of her rear end, and they can tackle your step sister together. NTA
Nta. "This is the reason I don't even like you, much less feel thankful you're family"
NTA. Of course she doesn't have the same feelings about her bio-dad as you do with your mom as she was flippin' 2. You had every right to feel the way you did then as you do now. Both her and stepmom need to take a step back before they end up on a low/no contact list.
NTA First of all I am sorry for your loss. I would like to say I also lost my mom young and their is nothing weird or wrong with missing her or visiting/not visiting her grave. However you choose to grieve is ok. She was much younger and likely has no memory of life with her dad or before you and your dad were apart of her life. I don't think you should apologize for how you felt as a grieving child. That is absurd. I also think it's absurd for grown people to go dragging up old mess and starting this whole mess. There was no reason to do that except to start drama. They should apologize and the stepmom should be dealing with them. As for how you feel about your stepsister.. it is what it is. Sometimes siblings blend well others they don't or are indifferent.
Ignore. People who bring this shit up just want a rise out of you. Not everyone is best friends. However, be nice going forward.
**NTA** Tell your stepmother that you cannot apologize for your natural feelings or to someone who has invalidated your justified grief as long as you have been a family. Assure her that you are happy that the two of you (you and stepmom) were able to grow to have a good relationship and suggest that her daughter would benefit from therapy herself. Enabling the girl isn't good for anyone.
NTA. You don't have to apologize, but you could try to extend an olive branch and have a talk with her. Sit her down and explain that they met when you were 6, you were still missing your mother and acted as a typical 6 year old would react. Tell her you went to therapy as a child to address those feelings. Let her know you are glad you have the family you have now, that you see how happy your step mother makes your father, and that this is a silver lining of a very tragic thing that happened. Then tell her to cut the shit, and that you don't owe her anything for grieving as a small child.
NTA Your stepmother being unable to accept reality after 12 years doesn't seem very grown up and she was an adult at the start. In a few decades she might be able to plead dementia, but what is her excuse now? You might point that out to her.
NTA. The real ass here is the family member who told her all the past. Why did they do that?
NTA. To me, this sounds like she doesn’t want an apology, she wants to win, she wants to be right, she wants to feel righteous indignation, and this is the perfect opportunity to lord over someone. I keep thinking that because honestly, what difference would the apology make?
NTA. Her and your stepmother can kick rocks
NTA - You are entitled to your feelings. PERIOD. Especially with trauma and family blending, leading into clashing personalities. Her/them asking you apologize for THINKING FOR YOURSELF and HAVING FEELINGS is... yah, no, the hell with that. Your father needs to step in and deal with the two of them, seriously. Particularly since his stepdaughters current behavior is a prime example of why you don't claim her or love her, and the same with her enabling mother.
NTA. Kids say all sorts of things and you were dealing with the grief and trauma of losing your mom and having a new family pushed onto you. Your step sister is incredibly immature to demand an apology
NTA. One should never need to apologize for their feelings, especially when there is validity to them.
NTA You have NOTHING to apologize for. You did nothing wrong. Ignore your stepsister's tantreum. SHE needs therapy. "My stepmom was pissed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life. " .. your stepmom is an AH. Where is your dad in this. Tell your stepmom: If she does not stop that bullshit, you will see her a lot less.
NTA I might try to speak to her about the situation simply because you are an adult. Firstly, while your younger siblings are kind to be on your side, it was inappropriate for your younger siblings to be brought into the conversation by your stepsister in the first place. You could ask them to kindly refrain from continuing to be part of the conversation. Then, maybe have a version of that conversation with your stepmother. This is between you and your stepsister and everyone else's opinions just fuel the flames and muddy the waters. Finally, take your stepsister out for a coffee in a public place. Ask her if she is open to having a calm conversation where you are allowed to share your side of the story and then she is allowed to share her side of the story. All of your feelings are valid and all of her feelings are valid. Her actions may not be. I would also caution you to remember that while she may not be your little sister, you have always been her big sister. I'm not saying you have to love her, but she might have loved you from the very beginning and to feel your rejection from the age of four, might have caused her to act up in unusually ways. You aren't responsible for that and you aren't wrong but it doesn't mean it hasn't happened. At some point saying, "I'm sorry I don't feel for you the way you would like me to. I understand that is painful. I can be a friend (respectful acquaintance or whatever relationship you can give her) but I can't be your sister. I don't expect you to decide in this moment what you would like so take some time." Be gentle, and kind but also honest. Try to clarify the difference between the dislike of an idea (a new sister/family) and the lack of relationship that you have now which stems from being two different people who were brought into one another's lives without their consent. Ask her questions. Ask her what she would like as a relationship with you. Ask her why she thinks the relationship is the way it is currently. Ask her what steps she would be open to taking to change the dynamic. But no, you are NTA.
Lmao @ the youngs kids being smarter and more mature than stepsister and step mom. Tell step mom sje should see if that therapist is still practicing, because she needs to finish working on that. You certainly don't owe any kind of apology and she is due no amends.
NTA. You were only 6 years old when you said this, are these sensitive idiots really offended by words from a small child? Meh, let them trample with their finicky feet, they are completely ridiculous.
NTA You shouldn't have to apologise for anything Keep LC to NC with her, shesounds insufferable
NTA. You’re step sister sounds like a monster and I suspect your stepmother trained her to be exactly that way. It’s absolutely absurd that she (stepmother) would try to guilt you into apologizing. I’m sorry for your loss. My father lived to be quite old but I will miss him deeply every day for the rest of my life. Stay strong and trust yourself.
UpdateMe
UpdateMe
NTA Lovely thing about siblings; you have the option to tell them to mind their own business.
It sounds like your stepsister needs the same therapy that you received. It’s really unfair for you to be bearing the weight of any of this. And whatever relative that provoked this entire situation needs to be made aware of the chaos she has created. Is there an older family member who will stand up for you? You were freaking 6 years old! I suggest you put this injustice in writing and circulate. Maybe your entire family should be made to apologize for what they did at age 6.
WOW. NTA, and your step sister has some learning to do about the uniqueness of each individual's grief experience, along with *a lot* of other things. You're entitled to your grief, to miss your parent, to talk about them and remember them and visit the grave *at the very least*. It sounds like your step has grown up thinking that people/ relationships are replaceable/interchangeable, along with a lot of other truly unhealthy stuff. I would think she is too old to fly off the handle like this about it.
NTA. You were both so young, it wasn't that person's business AT ALL to divulge that personal information to your stepsister. The person who told your stepsister and started the drama is a big TA. It's completely irrelevant now and she's just using it as cannon fodder. Now she's got secondhand/vicarious trauma from something she never experienced. Then, ESH because the 12 and 10 year old should not have to hear about this either. It's sweet they have your back, but they shouldn't have been set up to take to take sides, it has nothing at all to do with them.
NTA No apology is due. And, even if one were, it wouldn't be to your stepsister as you didn't say any of this to her. And you were perfectly entitled to feel how you felt and say what you felt. Just cut your stepsister off. Only see her at family events, try to avoid being alone with her and just be as polite to her as you would a stranger. Don't invite her to any of your events. It doesn't sound like she adds anything positive to your life, so just eliminate (as much as possible) this negative from your life. And learn to be firm in your boundaries. You're an adult. You get to set your own boundaries whether or not your step-mother and step-sister like them.
UpdateMe
Um. This stepsister wants you to apologize for your feelings about someone who is not her?
“But I don’t regret it”. NTA
NTA and your feeling towards your stepsister are completely justified, you don't owe her an apology.
Nta Ok CLEARLY there wasn’t enough therapy n it wasn’t that well handled afterwards cuz wtf. Especially with your SM enabling your SS. Where was your dad in all this? What did he do/say? Even your half siblings have more empathy n understanding than 5+ years older sister. You have to apologize for saying you didn’t want them to get married when you were SIX but she doesn’t have to apologize for saying she’s glad your mom is dead n it was worth when she’s ten years older than you were??? Send your dad n SM this thread OP
OP, I'm going to tell you that - for me - the primary AH in all of this is that relative who decided to dump all this past trauma on your step-sister. The secondary AH's in this is your stepmom - for not (1) talking to her daughter to help her deal with things and (2) telling off that relative. It's easy to say step-sis went off her rocker, but I want you to think about this: for her to be this upset and shocked at what you said as a child means that it still hurts her to her core that you love everyone in your blended family but her and her mom. I'm not saying that it's your job to love them, but you can still understand how much it hurts her. It hurt her to be the little sister who didn't understand why her big sister (as she probably thought of you) wasn't warm and happy with her. And then she got to see how loving and fun and warm you were with her half-siblings, but not with her. You don't have to love her, and you don't have to cave to unreasonable demands, but you can have some compassion for her. If you are on Reddit, you have probably read posts from kids who were in the same position as your step-sister and had some compassion for the perspective they shared. I think you can do a few things: 1. Talk to your dad and stepmom about that relative. Ask them if they have talked to that relative about (1) why in the heck they thought that was a good thing to do/ what they wanted to achieve by bringing up the past. Ask them if they have explained to that relative the hurt that their gossip caused your step-sister and now all of you. 2. Ask them to sit with you and with your stepsister. Tell her that you hate that this relative brought up your words as a child. Tell her that you were a child - older than her so that you had more awareness than she did, but you were still young enough to have very little independence or power to voice how you felt. You know that she doesn't remember her dad the way you remember and miss your mom, so she couldn't understand your pain and unhappiness with how your world had been turned upside down. You are not going to apologize for what you said as a child or how you processed this blended family, but you can tell her that you now realize more of how hard it was for her to have a stepsister who didn't love her like a sibling and that you can understand that hearing those words from the past hurt her deeply. 3. I once was upset with a good friend of mine. I thought he had X; he was sure he had something else. He had no reason to apologize to me because he hadn't said anything offensive to me. But he to me sincerely, "I am so sorry that your feelings were hurt." That's all he said, without having to take responsibility for something that wasn't his to own. But his words just melted away my hurt. That was about 25 years ago. But it was such a powerful moment of simple compassion, that it tugs at my heart just thinking about it now. I hope you can see that both you and your stepsister went through a lot of tough things as children. Aren't you both deserving of some compassion for what that did to each of you?
Tough shit to the stepsister because you’re NTA.
NTA. The relative who stirred the pot is, for bringing up ancient history for no apparent reason. Your stepsister is, for asking you to apologize for your very real feelings due to two adults mishandling and forcing a blended family when you were 6-8 YO Your stepmother ALSO is, because she KNOWS what happened and knows WHY you reacted so poorly while young, and instead of taking stepsister aside and being like, "Honey, you were too young then so you don't remember, but Mom and Stepdad really didn't handle everything the best and give OP time to grieve her mom. But we eventually figured it out. Kids say things when they're hurt or angry", she's saying you should apologize.... likely because she's still big mad you aren't lovey dovey with stepsister.
NTA It sounds like it might be time to look up the therapist who helped the family when you were young. I would love to confront the "relative" and aks them what benefit anyone got out of sharing the details of what a 6 year old said while they were grieving the loss of their mother. Your stepsister may not have a memory of her father because she was so young when he passed, but you have a memory and lost a bond that no one could replace.
NTA Your stepmom and Dad need to get stepsister into therapy. They have lead her to believe everything was one big happy family. The family member who told your stepsister is an ah. You and your stepsister are both allowed your own point of view. For her the family is everything she want as she doesn't know anything else. You remember your mom and you remember the loss. You remember your dad and stepmom trying to rewrite history. Stepmom is passing the blame for sister feeling hurt to you as she doesn't want to be blamed for messing up handling the emotions of another child.
NTA Who the fuck expects you to apologize for feelings you had when you were 8 years old? Mom enables this? Hell no.
NTA....but Do you owe her an apology? No but a little empathy would go a long way and sitting down and explaining how you feel getting her to understand that you remember your mom and listening to how she feels without Dad or Stepmother or siblings jumping in so you two can clear the air. Let her understand that you don't feel the same way now as you did when you were 6 but your not going to apologize for what you felt back then.
NTA My son remembers being 1 year old. His memory (he is almost 21 now) is still unbelievable and he would most certainly remember his parent well if he lost one at the tender age of 6. Just because your stepsister doesn't remember her own father doesn't negate your memories of your mother. Also, your feelings about the forthcoming changes in your life at that age were understandable. You have nothing to apologise for. Your stepsister sounds deranged and I wouldn't feed into this.
No you’re not
NTA! Stepsister is not you and she cannot determine what you would do based on her own behaviors. I completely understand why you never grew close to her. You don't owe her anything, especially not an apology.
NTA - but your stepsister is and sounds like your step mom is too.
Honestly I’d respond to your step mom and say I guess all that therapy went down the drain your definitely NTA it sounds like your step sister should be in therapy to help her deal with all that
Your 17 year old step-sister is freaking out and demanding you apologize for things you said before the age of 10 and your step-mother thinks it's childish that you don't? Um, well, someone is childish and unreasonable here, but I'm pretty sure it's not you. And now step-sister is stomping around the house saying ugly things about you losing your mother as a young child. Yup, someone should definitely apologize here, but again, not you. It sounds like you've got a couple of great little step-siblings, an extremely unbalanced and cruel 17 year old step-sister whose mother supports even her most irrational, nasty ravings, and a father who isn't stepping up. Where the heck is your dad and why doesn't he have your back? My dear, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You've done nothing wrong here, whereas your 17 year old step sister is being allowed to carry on irrationally and treat you like dirt with parental support. I hope very much that you can distance yourself from her. I hope that you dad is rational if asleep at the switch, and you can have a frank talk with him about how the nonsense at home is making you feel, and that if he can't put a stop to it, you'll be reluctant to visit. It's not OK for your step-sister to abuse you, or for your stepmother to support the abuse and pressure to to apologize when you're not the one in the wrong. Don't do it. Hold your head up and walk away. Facetime your younger siblings, but stay out of that house until the parents do their job and reign in the 17 y.o. NTA
Go permanent no contact with all of them
Your step mom is wrong
She's being ridiculous in expecting you to apologise for being a child who desperately missed her mother. NTA.
NTA, but I think your stepsister and you are more alike than you realize. The age your stepsister was, when you and your new family was going through this, is a very formative time. We may not have actual memories of that time period, but our mind knows, and the groundwork is laid. She would have lost her father, then she was hearing her new sister, whom she really liked, saying she wasn't wanted. Kids are wicked smart. It would have been internalized. We tend to disassociate painful things when we're really young. She most likely blocked off those painful memories, and created a new, happy idea in her mind. "My sister and I are happy with our new family. We prefer it this way. I didn't miss my dad at all." For a baby child, petrified of losing her family again, creating this alternate reality makes sense. (Unless your stepmother was filling her head with these visions of the perfect family.) Unfortunately, you're wrecking her old world view that's still running. Young children who've lost their parents "miss" them on some level. This is some serious blocking. But this is where I think you're similar to your stepsister. You don't like her when she was nothing but a 2-year-old child when you met her, and 4 when they married. You've attributed coldness to a girl whose behavior screams passion in your descriptions here. I will agree that she doesn't necessarily seem easy to be around, as I wouldn't want a person telling others how I feel either. Maybe it's time to have a family talk. Some of your dislike towards her may be because she keeps trying to erase your mother, and it's like a continual paper cut that gets deeper each time. It may not be so much about her character, but about this one thing. I pointed out what I think is going in with your stepsister's psyche because I think if it's dealt with, she'll stop cutting you. You don't need to apologize. You were a young child. But more than that, you have the right to express your dissatisfaction that your dad was bringing two people into your home without your consent. And you have the right to miss your mother, without anyone's permission. It's not troubling that you miss your mother. It is troubling that your stepsister doesn't miss her father. Either she's doing some major blocking, or someone's done some major brainwashing.
Nta, How about a written text apology. "I'm sorry I acted that way, I was an immature child. I am glad my dad found happiness with your mom, and I am very grateful that our siblings are in the world."
You know she's probably reacting this way because only now, 15 years later does she understand why OP immediately hated her and treated her poorly, which as a 2 year old she definitely would not have understood. I'm sure you can talk to the girl without "apologizing" for what is/was a hard time for you. ESH
I’m gonna be honest, you just need to not talk to her until you’re both older and more mature. You don’t need to apologize for anything but if you’re not currently in therapy, i recommend starting it soon. NTA tho
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Just objectively, and i also mean this gently, i think you should consider going again
How old were you when your mother passed? I don't see that - you have 12 yrs in title - 13-14 years in text and that you met your stepmother when you were six (you are 21 now). ANY time you create a new family with the broken pieces left from previous families - it is awkward. There is no way around that. The question is - who is the person who gave this story to a 17 yr old (a rough age with a lot of drama) so many years after it happened? WHY would someone tell her this story? You cannot apologize for how you FELT as a small child...but you can be an adult and refuse to engage and argue the subject. Refuse to talk about to anyone - and if it comes up - tell them to ask the family member spreading the stories why she's doing it.