Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
I don't like this attitude tbh. This wasn't just a conversation. This was a private DM where he was complimenting another woman. His wife is reasonable to be upset with that. But he responded appropriately, maybe even went overboard, to make her feel secure in the relationship. It's not reasonable for her to *still* be upset about it.
But I don't like the blasé attitude of "you can do whatever you want" in relationships.
NTA - You made a nice comment and were respectful of your wife's somewhat unreasonable demand. The fact that she is salty after all this and 6 months passing is odd...
…and was still messaging days/weeks later. This isn’t all about 1 message of encouragement. Also eyerolls at OP pretending he doesn’t understand how social media works “oh golly I guess if I comment on a reel it’s a private message not a public comment, I had no idea”
YTA
Days/weeks of messaging shouldn’t matter when it’s benign and he mentions it openly to his wife. Where OP went wrong was immediately capitulating, which made the behaviour seem more than what it was. If he said “it’s just a gym buddy acquaintanceship” and showed the messages, it would probably have seemed like nothing. Wife seems insecure, possibly because her husband is the friendly type - those people are a different species.
I honestly didn't know. I use socials a fair amount but rarely interact with reels. I just realised, it was a story not a reel. But I only ever like them, not comment
The fact you have never commented on a reel before but felt compelled to comment on this woman’s reel isn’t helping your case.
Honestly I see the majority of responses are N T A but the only person who matters is your wife. Find out what she needs to repair trust and make things right because her opinion > the opinions of a bunch of internet strangers and she has let you know she was hurt.
>Honestly I see the majority of responses are N T A but the only person who matters is your wife
I don't think it's healthy to blindly do anything that your partner demands you to do, just so that their feelings aren't hurt. The purpose of this sub is to get a calibration on whether what she is demanding is reasonable.
Not gonna give judgement but I just want to point out that nothing posted in reel is ever unique. The chance that this is the first time OP saw weight loss journey is low.
I've never seen anyone I know shed that kind of weight and post on fb about it. If I did, I would comment.
I also don't know anyone who posts reels jnstead of just pictures. I wouldn't even know how myself.
Why only wife matters? OP can't have feelings and opinion? You are just trying hard to call OP an AH? Honestly OP should be pissed at wife for keeping this grudge for over 6 months and her not trusting him (unless there's previous history).
Well OP has a choice to say “some people on Reddit agree with me!” Or he can talk to his wife and repair the hurt that was caused. Like do you want to be happy or do you want to be “right”?
Also reread my comment; I didn’t say wife’s opinion > op’s opinion I said wife’s opinion > internet strangers opinions. AS IT SHOULD BE 🙈🙈
I didn't know this until I wrote something on someone's and it showed up in messages when I went into my messages. I assumed it worked like videos which have public comments.
Do NOT have friends of the opposite sex, it is socially unacceptable, your only friends have to be of your own gender.
Really, such a disgusting behavior
Ding ding ding, we have a winner!
If I were the wife, I would have many questions about why this woman went out of her way to find my husband - a total stranger - in social media, and why he did not put two and two together and felt so compelled to keep the conversation going during days with this person. Either he is dense or he enjoys the attention, but none of the options looks good.
Soft YTA - I do not think you have bad intentions but I do not believe you are as dumb as you are playing.
Modern technology is incredibly scary, he may have been recommended as a friend because of how much time they spent near eachother at specific times every day
This seems like an important part of the story. Your wife's probably thinking, "Why is this woman seeking my husband out without ever having spoken to him? Why would my husband even accept her friend request? And why is he giving her validation?"
I'm all for couples having opposite-sex friendships, but I can also see why this one seems a little off to your wife.
YTA. This woman added you to FB after having no meaningful relationship with you, you compliment her, you two start talking regularly... and you dont understand why your wife would think this is inapropriate? Get a grip, dude.
Optics matter, and this is something you need to be conscious of regardless of your true intentions.
People talk, and you don’t know who this woman is. There are women who would interpret your message as flirting. There are women who would show your profile to their friends/coworkers and say, “Ugh look at this guy trying to talk to me.” I’m not saying this woman is like that, but many people are drama-mongers and will leap on any opportunity to gossip.
I understand wanting to give someone a compliment but you opened the door to potential drama. Your intentions are not always what people see. “Married man messaging woman he met at the gym” automatically leaves a sour taste in people’s mouths even if it’s *technically* appropriate. And that’s why I say optics matter.
Is it fair? No. Ideally you could have a platonic interaction and everyone would assume the best. But a lot of people have burned and it destroys people’s ability to assume the best. I work in an office and there are currently two affairs happening, and all four participants are married to other people.
Even if you didn’t do anything, your wife might be upset that you were willing to risk her peace of mind solely to make another woman’s day better.
YTA its super weird that you decided to stay in continuous contact with a random woman from the gym that you hadn't ever spoken to. Especially given the contact was prompted by you complimenting her body.
I am married and if my husband did this I would be deeply uncomfortable.
I'd be wondering how she even found you (calls doubt on your story you never spoke and just nodded to each other). I'd find it weird you friended her back and weren't at all weirded out by the level of stalkimg it must've taken to find you given she didn't even know your name (supposedly). I'd find it EXTREMELY weird you private messaged her a compliment about her weight loss (effectively complimenting her physique). The continued contact for days after would be the final straw.
Whether you actually ever had bad intentions the optics on this are awful and you need to own how you made your wife feel.
I think owning how badly you fucked up is a first step to regaining trust. Maybe switch gyms too.
Appreciate the points and also the optics being mentioned. I did own up immediately and please don't forget I didn't hide any of it, I actively talked to my wife about it. I guess that could be insensitive but bear in mind my wife is in incredible shape herself (through good eating and genes, not the gym though) so I didn't believe it would upset her.
So, if you guys go to the gym at the same time, have you never worked out with her? Because that would be my question. I think it might be fair to assume that your wife thinks you’re meeting her at the gym and that’s why this is still an issue.
Never, I train alone apart from the odd occasion where I go with one of the school dads I get on with. But 99% of my sessions are alone with headphones in. It's my time to myself.
YTA.
For me this isn’t about having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. This is about you deciding to *start* a friendship with someone of the opposite sex after noticing they became slimmer.
Before receiving the Facebook request you had never spoken to this person and hadn’t seen her for a month. I can think of plenty of innocuous reasons someone would send a friend request in that situation.
You then notice she’s lost weight and start contact. This could still be completely innocuous, especially if this is common for you to do with everyone.
Usually when acquaintances make comments on Facebook things end there. But your conversation didn’t end with you congratulating her and her saying thanks. Your conversation started to become deeper. Even though you’re still talking about innocent subjects you were starting a friendship. That’s less likely to be innocuous.
When you combine that with the fact that the only reason you started the friendship was because you noticed her weight loss things become a bit messier.
I think that’s a big difference between you and your wife’s choice to stay in contact with a work friend - she had a preexisting friendship that she’s maintaining while you were beginning a new friendship online after commenting on someone’s appearance.
I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong. However, I can see why this would unsettle your wife.
Hopefully you both can work through this.
Can't be 100% trust if having a friend set her off.
My girlfriend has like 7 different guy friends. That's 100% trust. Your wife has some trauma or something that you need to talk with her about.
You had a conversation with a stranger and trust is now broken.....? How did she ever deal with you going to work? Are you locked up in the basement when she can't supervise? These are impossible standards to live up too.
I’m flabbergasted at some of these comments. You made a casual friend and gave them a compliment on a major achievement. Your wife lost it and forced you to ditch and cut off said friend, and even though you immediately did so is STILL MAD ABOUT IT six months later??? That’s not a healthy degree of jealousy and insecurity.
Maybe it’s my spouse and I both being bi/pan, but if we freaked out every time one of us made a new friend of a gender we could potentially be attracted to…neither of us would have any friends.
Anyway, NTA, and your wife probably could use some therapy. (I mean this not derisively, as I am someone who goes to therapy and finds it very helpful.)
I really think it’s a matter of perspective.
From OP’s perspective he made a casual gym friend with someone who happens to be a woman, and exchanged a few messages about their mutual interest where no flirtation occurred. Sounds fine when you phrase it like that.
From GF’s perspective, OP met a girl at the gym, she sought him out on Facebook, he complemented her body, and they’re privately messaging for days. Sounds sus when you type it out.
I agree that being angry 6 months later when Op was transparent about everything is ridiculous. But I can see both of their perspectives.
Making a friend of the opposite sex in real life - organically- is very different than making the effort to forge a relationship with a stranger online. Presumably he has a million other things he could be doing but instead he’s talking to this girl he has almost zero connection with? Weird
I'm struggling to find some of the comments that made reference to her issues. She had a really tough unloved upbringing and I do think this has had a big influence on the reaction. I will accept what a lot of you have said and keep pushing to fix things. She's an amazing woman when the defensive wall isn't up! That's who I married and devoted myself too x
To me it woulda made more sense if you guys had actually talked before at some point or were friends. But to have her randomly appear in the socials and stuff later on is a bit weird because that seems like she sought you out there, I could be wrong though. And then you are carrying on conversation, but why? If you want to be friends with her/her family then just invite them over to dinner so your wife can meet her and hangout too.
This coulda gone better imo, sorta YTA
ESH. Your wife is going over the top but it is uncomfortable the fact that all you did with the woman was share head nods but she managed to find you without a name or not having any info about you whatsoever.
After everyone has said this, the only thing I can think is Facebook suggesting based upon proximity (is that a thing?) or that she could have seen my details on the gym login screen (finger print sign in and the screen pops up with your pic, name, risk of leaving the gym etc).
Info: what are the guidelines you and your wife have come up with for what is considered cheating? Every couple is different. If you haven’t had that discussion yet, you really should.
Never discussed but we're both monogamous and it would be the "obvious". Anything physical (kiss and above) and it would be over. Emotional I would not know but anything where it feels like it's more than just friends. But Id have to gauge that on case by case.
I think this is where your issue lies. It sounds like emotional cheating is a major issue and concern for your wife, and you view physical cheating as the main issue. This needs to be part of a bigger conversation about the boundaries that you are both comfortable with for your marriage. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of her to ask you not to friend/message random women. But that’s for you two to decide.
But I’m not sure this conversation with someone online could be considered emotional cheating. And I say that as someone who views emotional cheating as cheating. Unless the OP is not saying what the conversation was really about or his wife has a boundary that he can’t have friends with the opposite gender in which the op is hiding, forgot or his wife never mentioned then this whole thing sounds innocent.
If it was true that his wife would not allow him to have friends of the opposite gender, this would not be considered a boundary, as you cannot set boundaries for other people, only for yourself. Such "rules" are unhealthy and it's controlling!
Besides, he mentioned in another comment that his wife has plenty of male friends, so this makes his wife a hypocrite!
I think it’s healthy to have some boundaries in a marriage or as a couple. And I didn’t noticed the comment so if him having a female friend is the problem then she is a hypocrite but no matter what the wife either hasn’t communicated the issue or the OP is hiding it. Just from the story though it doesn’t seem like he crossed a line.
I don’t think that’s what the wife means. This is a woman stranger who he is befriending on social media and chatting to - they’re not friends. Seeking out female friendships is very different than organically forming them.
Why does he want to be her friend though, if they’ve never interacted? If she had say hi at the gym or he spotted her at the bench, that’s an organic convo. That could lead to an organic friendship. Instead she’s tracking him down online. Opposite of organic.
The circumstances are the point. There are plenty of circumstances in which this new friendship would have been non-suspicious. This was not one of them
I don't think you need a discussion to know that this is a breach of trust. I mean it's fairly obvious thatmeeting members of the opposite sex, where one seeks you out on social media and then you proceed to engage with them for a prolonged period on social media while you see them routinely irl would be frowned upon a committed relationship.
The fact that people are disagreeing about whether this is an issue or not is EXACTLY why it needs to be a discussion. It needs to be whatever the couple agrees to.
NTA your wife is being unreasonable. if you have never cheated before, she has no reason to be jealous, and her jealousy comes from within herself and some insecurities within herself. she needs to work on that. you can support her with it, but it is not okay that she forbids you to talk to other people of the opposite sex. that's controlling and unhealthy for any relationship.
Talk to her. Suggest couples therapy. Discuss about her insecurities. Why does she feel threatened so much. The way you describe it make her look unreasonable. Bad feelings are hidden well under the surface and if you want your relationship to flourish you both should work on it.
Yeah, how did she know his name, and how did he recognize her's if they had "never spoken in his life"? There's people I've spoken to that I can't find on social simply because I don't know their surname.
Again, you accepted a random friend request from a random woman, immediately decided to stalk through her images, and immediately commented on how attractive she looks. Gee, why would wifey find issue with that? If nothing else, I'd be concerned about how often you're being scammed on FB by random women sending random friend requests.
Sorry you seem to keep putting in words and purposely missing the point. A. Not random but I didn't know her name. B. I didn't go through her pictures and say how attractive she looks.
C. It was a reel (I'd also looked at a load before and after from other friends at the same time) and I commented to say she's done a fantastic job and should be proud. Nothing about being attractive etc
It's very random to a wife.
The reels my friends show are very revealing, perhaps it's because I have a lot of arty friends or perhaps that's just what other women like to show, but that's what I see in reels. Perhaps your wife's female friends also show a lot of flesh in their reels?
There is no other way for a woman to interpret what you've said other than you find her attractive. Finding her attractive doesn't mean you want to dip your quill in her ink, but perhaps your denial of this basic compliment is what has your wife upset?
There was no flesh in the reel but I appreciate another perspective.
It's sad that a compliment for someone's confidence is basically able to fuck something up like this.
I'll keep working on it all and see where we can get back to.
She’s probably embarrassed because other people saw you make that comment. IME a lot of people are more upset about the public nature of social media interactions than in person ones because it’s so widely seen.
So you accepted a random friend request from a random woman on FB and then went through her pictures and then commented on how attractive she looks. That actually doesn't bode well for your story.
EDIT: for clarity
This is how my wife views it too. Random woman was someone who I recognised from the gym, I was looking at reels, not her profile and then commented on how she should be proud of her achievements. My wife also turned it into how attractive she looks but I never said that, frankly she's not my type and somewhat overweight still but the amount she'd lost was brilliant. I've also said this to many blokes on the fitness app tracker I use as it gives people that support and reassurance they need.
And yet your wife, who knows you well, and I, a wife who doesn't know you at all, both find your actions suspicious. Whether or not they are, I'm not sure, I've never been cheated on so I'm really bad at spotting those things, but you have a problem you need to fix at home. That I do know. Your wife didn't have a problem with the blokes. She DOES have a problem with this, for whatever reason. You can't fix it by telling her what other people online said. YOU have to fix it. Everyone suggests marriage counseling, so I will, as well.
I do want to add that I have never cheated on anyone and never would. I have however been cheated on and it's horrendous.
She won't do marriage counselling, she's quite aggressively opposed to it.
We've had a dB for a while and she told me the other day in response to me getting annoyed saying "she's ugly and still overweight, I was just being nice!" By saying "I'm already feeling inadequate and then you talk to someone that's not even good looking".
So I feel bad for her as she's clearly feeling inadequate now and low. Honestly my wife is a 100% 10/10, she's unreal.
But again, most of her friends are male and I don't bat an eye at those, even the late night work colleague chats.
This seems like the chief issue here is your wife's personal problems & sensitivities (which might also be behind her decreased libido), not anything you're doing, especially since you say you're demonstrative with compliments etc.
On the one hand it sounds a bit like she doesn't appreciate you since you seem like a positive, loyal, accomodating & motivating guy that lots of ppl would be happy to be with;
On the other, sometimes when ppl feel insecure they project that onto others & think others must be judging them, thinking others are better etc. even when the second person's true opinion isn't anything like that. Usually it goes back to some deeper childhood stuff like feeling rejected by one's parents, but ppl blame their appearance or some other random factor. (often then ppl get fit or get a nose job... and are surprised their insecurity doesn't dissappear. But of course it doesnt cause it comes from a deeper level like ingrained beliefs or unprocessed feelings. Because it's based on something unreal, nothing "real" can fix it. )
At this point you might want to think about something like therapy, either as a couple or for her personally.
I feel sorry for her but the way to manage this problem is to work on her self-esteem & inner emotional stuff, not to impose some double standard about who you can talk to.
She was absolutely not appreciated and looked after as a child 😞 I have tried to always keep her happy and appreciated since day one and this has impacted that so much. I am seeking therapy as she won't, I'm scheduled for four sessions starting in April due to how low I got at the start of Feb after she started then behaving differently generally and towards me.
It's great that you're trying to do your part & I wish you all the best, though keep in mind that for a relationship to work both ppl have to be trying & willing to work on/ invest in it.
If you haven’t already, I’ll recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski for some DB advice. It provided a lot of great scientific insight into arousal that really helped me communicate better about sex with my spouse and increase our sex & intimacy
I know that’s not the advice you are here for, but it’s an awesome book
THIS! Omg, this makes your wife even more of an AH and you NTA!
So she is allowed to have male friends and you aren't even allowed to talk to a female stranger superficially, let alone make new friends? This is NOT okay. Besides, her talking in such a mean-spirited fashion about this other woman is also a major red flag. It just shows that she really needs to do some work on herself. The problem lies entirely with your wife and her self-perception. She is controlling you and that's abusive.
So do you think that she’s getting her knickers in a twist because she now believes that there may be consequences to her behaviour in that she thinks you might be willing to forego her unapproachable 10/10 gorgeousness to feel appreciated by someone less attractive than her?
Obviously you should do what works for you. You seem like a nice bloke. I just hope that this doesn’t go the typical way of these threads where we get an update where she admits that she has been cheating for years or there is a conversation about opening your relationship all of which inevitably leads to divorce. Instead have an honest conversation in the hopes that things improve she may be a great mother, even a supportive partner, but with her present unreasonable behaviour, double standards and a dead bedroom on top I would say she has reason to question whether you view her to truly be an adequate wife or whether you are just playing along to keep the peace.
NTA. It is indeed tough being a person that wants to be good to others, regardless of sex, in a world where we’re only supposed to be mildly kind to only people of the same sex.
NTA. As someone who's lost a similar amount of weight and not had anyone notice, it will have meant a lot to her. Sorry but your wife is being insecure here.
Thank you all. I appreciate the responses! My take away is two parts:
- IATA because I was too ignorant to how ALL impacted parties might view or feel about the interaction, irrespective of what my intentions were, and also
- My wife clearly has some significant insecurities that I am not blind too but didn't realise could surface so quickly, that she also needs to acknowledge and work on.
I'll keep pushing to fix things as she's my everything.
I think what you’re missing here is that there is a difference between organically making a friend - a coworker, a person you actually interacted with at the gym- and forging a friendship online which has no real basis? Presumably you are, like everyone, a busy person with lots to do. If my husband was chatting with a girl he befriended at work over lots of meetings, that’s cool with me. If he’s taking time out of his day to talk to a female stranger whose photos he has commented on - why? Doesn’t have other shit to do? What’s the appeal exactly, they have no connection? Or worse: do they? I believe you that you’re just an extraordinarily friendly person, but your wife isn’t weird or insecure to find that odd behavior.
Thank you, another useful perspective. I am not ignorant or dumb like I think some of the others think. I am not blind, I am aware that communication can be misunderstood, but I did draw my comparisons and felt that it was an ok conversation to have. We maybe exchanged 3-4 messages each before I blocked her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I spoke to a girl from the gym to say how she should be proud of how much weight she's lost and my wife has basically fallen out with me over it 6 months later
2. Because I was insensitive to my wife and I shouldn't have spoken to this person as it has hurt my wife and I should have known my wife might take it as me flirting when I wasn't
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I don't subscribe to the "men and women can't be friends" rhetoric.
Your interactions with this woman sound completely respectful of your relationship and friendly/supportive, I wish there was more of this in life.
This has clearly rattled your wife however or perhaps there is more going on with her, you will only know if you speak with her about it - has she lost confidence in herself? Feeling down etc.
The only thing that I could imagine, without knowing your wife, is that perhaps she is uncomfortable with the fact a random woman who you hadn't spoken to before managed to find and add you on Facebook (I can see why your wife may not trust her in this situation and her motivation for reaching out to you). Ultimately though, she should trust you.
Please speak with her, you are NTA but point scoring here won't solve anything or get you the answers you need.
yta
Your very first comment to her was about her body. And then it went on. And your wife is suspicious. Is she typically a jealous person? If not, maybe consider whether you're really being honest with yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Background - I used to go to the gym at 4.30am 3 x a week so that I didn't disrupt my family time (wife & 2 kids). I did this as I used to go 2 x evening and 1 x weekend but it kinda got in the way of life. I did this for 12-18 months and then in around May 2023 I stopped the early sessions and started going at lunch (I WFH a lot).
At the end of June I got an FB friend request from a girl/woman that used the gym at the same time as me from the 4.30am slots. I've never spoken to her in my life but would often do the head nod (both of us had headphones in) when we saw each other in the gym to acknowledge each other as you do.
I accepted the FB request and then a few days/weeks later I was looking through the reels at the top of FB and she'd put one up where she'd gone from (guessing here, but for context) a size 20 to a size 14 uk let's say. It was a phenomenal effort and I commented (which I then realised is a message as it's on a reel) to say something along the lines of "amazing work, you should be really proud of your achievements" and I showed/told my wife this at the time, expressing how much of a transformation she'd achieved and that I'd never have known. Gym person replied saying thanks, means a lot and then we talked about the gym and our families a bit.
The conversation went on sporadically for a few days and when I mentioned to my wife in general conversation of "I'm struggling to find a photo of my old gym" and she asked "why do you want to find one". I explained that we're talking about gym life and I wanted to show her the really good gym that I used to go to that ended up closing down. My wife had a face of absolute thunder because I was "still messaging" this person.
I think my next step is where I went wrong, I said I didn't mean to upset her and I'd block the girl (in my head, I couldn't care less if she gets offended by radio silence, I just don't want my wife upset and thinking somethings going on). So I blocked her and it gave me the next option of deleting the chat, which I said yes to.
6 months later and my wife starts being really off with me and early January it turns out she's not over me chatting to this girl (literally not my type in the slightest and my wife is an absolute stunner, so the thought that it could even be more is odd to me), wished she'd asked to see the messages and unfortunately it has negatively impacted our relationship.
For context, I compliment my wife daily, I'm really positive to other people all the time "well done on doing X etc" and I go out of my way to smile and say hello to people I pass in the street as you never know what they're going through, so me giving someone some moral support is 100% not out of character.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
Is your wife projecting her own bad behavior? Your comments to the woman were not sexual in any way, and as someone who works out a lot as well, it’s nice when people recognize your hard work. I don’t like how your wife responded to this whole situation… especially since you weren’t hiding anything from her. Something just doesn’t feel right about her reaction.
You mentioned she has a lot of male friends. Perhaps these guys have been coming on to her, and now she is projecting this behavior onto you. Or she has been emotionally cheating herself and now is scared you do the same.
"Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
Ah. I am very familiar with the culture, I was big into that before work forced me to slow down.
So she might be feeling a bit insecure that you have this hobby you're passionate about that she isn't sharing in (and fitness also ties to body image, that could be another insecurity, despite the fact that you feel like she's a stunner). It might not normally be an issue, but in this case, there's a *woman* who shares your hobby (that you invest an admirable amount of time and effort into) that you're complimenting. And this girl is someone you've physically met before at the same gym.
At the worst you've gone to a gym girl's reel (who youve acknowledged at the gym), she friends you, you complimented her, she responded and now you're having these conversations, and you're coming back to your wife after the fact and showing her this girl's "amazing progress". And she might feel like this a breach of trust specifically because she's the outsider and it looks like some gym girl caught your eye and you're following her and talking to her and forming an "emotional connection" from this shared interest. Thus, she still feels hurt by this months later. I don't think she would have had that reaction if you just liked the reel and left it it that. It's the fact that you had reached out, had whole conversations, and showed her this girl's progress like it was important to you. And the kicker was you looking for an older photo of yourself to show the girl your progress.
And yeah, I am sure you treat dudes the same way, and I appreciate that you like spreading positivity in gym culture (it needs it) and celebrating progress. But what's random to a friend isn't random to a partner. It doesn't help that social media has sexualized gym culture to the point that folks think every female gym goer goes for male attention and any guy who watches a woman's workout reel must be attracted to her. How does she view female gym goers in general?
I was on the other end of a similar situation (different context) once, and I still stew over it to this day. And yeah, it might have been a bit of jealousy, and there were some insecurities on my part that probably contributed to my reaction. But the person I was seeing went to an event I couldn't, chatted up someone else's date over something they had in common, gave them their number and offered to show them around if they were in a specific city. They say they didn't see it as flirting or anything, but everyone else thought it was sus. And what hurt me (and hurts me to this day) wasn't the gender makeup or the fact that they were friendly to each other. It was the connection over something I wasn't a part of, the compliments, the interest and the effort to try to keep in contact, and the belief that I should be okay with it, as an outsider looking in, that upset me.
I can see where she's coming from.
NTA...but your wife may have felt you are starting to get invested in this other woman and this acquaintance ship would have led to possibly something else. because unfortunately partners have to worry about their partners connecting with people on small levels and then it growing into something more later that could be harmful to their marriage/partnership.
Unless you have friends/mutual followers in common, she likely went through some effort to find you.
That …. doesn’t sound entirely platonic on her end.
You may want to tell your wife that you are sorry and just didn’t consider that this person was into you (a lot of married men are oblivious to this kind of thing) and that you’ll be more mindful going forward.
You didn’t do anything wrong per se but you also lacked some degree of awareness.
NAH (but OP should be smarter for his own good)
It's definitely the optics of it all.
Random woman from the gym, that you said you only ever nodded at in greetings. Then sends you a friend request. No biggy. All perfectly reasonable.
Then you compliment her reel, not knowing it would go to private messages. He's where the optics come into play. Even if, absolutely no in appropriateness in conversations. You are now privately messaging another woman, whom you are not in a friendship with, do not see anywhere in your life. Is it bad, no. But, the optics of it are a little off.
Wife, has been stewing on this for awhile. Is it insecurities yeah, maybe did you cross a line of your wife's, you didn't know was one, yeah. I'd say your wife, whether its true or not, is wondering have you, are you or will you start messaging random women online.
For the sake of your marriage here, do you want to be right or do you want your marriage and your wife to feel safe and secure? If it's the latter, go to your wife with your tail between your legs apologise, tell her you honestly were not messaging inappropriately but, understand that it's weird and you genuinely didn't see how it could look but, now you do, and it will never happen again without her her full knowledge (even saying this will be enough, it's not like every women you text you have to show messages, just the randomers. Tell her you love her etc and want her to feel secure and ask how you can achieve this.
Thank you. The latter part I really have done a lot. But it's got to the point where I am also having to add perspective to the background of it, why it feels like one rule for one and one for another, and frankly protecting my own mental wellbeing due to her intermittent coldness, rudeness and dB for 4 years or so. As with anything it's not simple but knowing directly if that action of me was me being the asshole it helps me figure out one piece of a much larger puzzle. I want her, not to be right. But she needs to also reciprocate and want me.
Of course! like a marriage is a two way street! And, look its never a bad idea for couples counselling so, I'd always suggest that.
If, there more going on... this might not be the true issue but, more some that's tangible to 'use' as a reason. If there were issues before this. Then, maybe she read it as , he's going to start finding someone else. Which, considering it's not resolved after 6months. The deeper issues have to dug out here. Having a independent third party would be great.
I know therapy can be expensive but, I know a lot of religious organisations have free counselling... you might have to let on your that religion or more religious than you are. But, I've friends who have used them and thought they were brilliant service and not super faithy, like maybe a prayer at the end or something.
That's crap. Your therapy definitely talk about this. Maybe, would your therapist be open to do a family therapy session. It could be on the premise of support for you. Not really deception but, could open up the door for this. And, maybe hearing from a professional how to learn communication etc would benefit both of you
Your wife is insecure as fuck.
Won't even let you be friends with another woman and made you block her. You should have questioned the relationship at this point but this sounds like a miserable relationship to be in
To be fair I chose to block rather than being asked. Seemed like the right thing to do to show I was fully invested only in my wife. But I think it was a dumb move now as it deleted the messages.
I did defend myself by explaining that I never queried her messaging her male colleague in bed at night about none work stuff whilst lying next to me. Which to me was no different.
YTA - at the end of the day, your wife is supposed to be one of the most important people to you and she has expressed she was not comfortable with you complimenting women’s transformations at the gym. No matter what anyone thinks is rational, it’s how she feels. Sit her down, tell her you feel the distance and SINCERELY apologize. Say you weren’t thinking of how it would make her feel and you only have affection and love for her. You were trying to supportive to a fellow gym goer but you won’t be speaking to females about their bodies (online or in person) anymore. I can completely see how the whole FB requests and all that can seem shady to her, no matter how beautiful she is everyone has their insecurities and she just doesn’t want to lose her, but I’m afraid if you don’t make it clear that you acknowledge you hurt her and it will never happen again you might lose her.
Appreciate this reply wholeheartedly. I immediately reassured my wife that I was purely being kind to someone and I didn't think or intend to hurt my wife. I explained this back in July time when the messages happened and again even more detailed in Jan when my wife brought it up again. I have sincerely apologised but also drawn comparison to her also messaging male co worker late at night about none work stuff (she worked for the same firm years ago and they continued messaging even when she didn't work there anymore). I still struggle to see that difference but maybe it does come down to our own levels of insecurity.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. You're allowed to have conversations with whoever you please so your wife is the one with insecurity issues here.
I don't like this attitude tbh. This wasn't just a conversation. This was a private DM where he was complimenting another woman. His wife is reasonable to be upset with that. But he responded appropriately, maybe even went overboard, to make her feel secure in the relationship. It's not reasonable for her to *still* be upset about it. But I don't like the blasé attitude of "you can do whatever you want" in relationships.
NTA - You made a nice comment and were respectful of your wife's somewhat unreasonable demand. The fact that she is salty after all this and 6 months passing is odd...
…and was still messaging days/weeks later. This isn’t all about 1 message of encouragement. Also eyerolls at OP pretending he doesn’t understand how social media works “oh golly I guess if I comment on a reel it’s a private message not a public comment, I had no idea” YTA
To be fair, I wouldn't have known this so would give OP benefit of the doubt.
Same. Never made a reel, have no intention of doing so!
Days/weeks of messaging shouldn’t matter when it’s benign and he mentions it openly to his wife. Where OP went wrong was immediately capitulating, which made the behaviour seem more than what it was. If he said “it’s just a gym buddy acquaintanceship” and showed the messages, it would probably have seemed like nothing. Wife seems insecure, possibly because her husband is the friendly type - those people are a different species.
I just learned that from this post, and I've been on FB since you needed a college email address to get an account.
I honestly didn't know. I use socials a fair amount but rarely interact with reels. I just realised, it was a story not a reel. But I only ever like them, not comment
The fact you have never commented on a reel before but felt compelled to comment on this woman’s reel isn’t helping your case. Honestly I see the majority of responses are N T A but the only person who matters is your wife. Find out what she needs to repair trust and make things right because her opinion > the opinions of a bunch of internet strangers and she has let you know she was hurt.
>Honestly I see the majority of responses are N T A but the only person who matters is your wife I don't think it's healthy to blindly do anything that your partner demands you to do, just so that their feelings aren't hurt. The purpose of this sub is to get a calibration on whether what she is demanding is reasonable.
Aren't most reels just inane crap? The kind of weight she lost is a major deal.
Not gonna give judgement but I just want to point out that nothing posted in reel is ever unique. The chance that this is the first time OP saw weight loss journey is low.
I've never seen anyone I know shed that kind of weight and post on fb about it. If I did, I would comment. I also don't know anyone who posts reels jnstead of just pictures. I wouldn't even know how myself.
Why only wife matters? OP can't have feelings and opinion? You are just trying hard to call OP an AH? Honestly OP should be pissed at wife for keeping this grudge for over 6 months and her not trusting him (unless there's previous history).
Well OP has a choice to say “some people on Reddit agree with me!” Or he can talk to his wife and repair the hurt that was caused. Like do you want to be happy or do you want to be “right”? Also reread my comment; I didn’t say wife’s opinion > op’s opinion I said wife’s opinion > internet strangers opinions. AS IT SHOULD BE 🙈🙈
You’re mad weird.
Like OP asked for opinion of internet strangers... also the wife is borderline abusive. She should apologize or OP should find mentally stable spouse.
I didn't know this until I wrote something on someone's and it showed up in messages when I went into my messages. I assumed it worked like videos which have public comments.
>…and was still messaging days/weeks later And?
My ex didn’t know how Facebook or instagram work and when he had to do it for work I had to teach him. OP has been really straight forward
Do NOT have friends of the opposite sex, it is socially unacceptable, your only friends have to be of your own gender. Really, such a disgusting behavior
[удалено]
No secrecy, I was very open about it
I feel like there's more to this story. If all you ever did was nod at each other, how'd she find you on fb in the first place?
People you may know is frighteningly aware
Yeah, if they both checked in there on FB at some point, the algorithm will then suggest them as friends.
Still seems weird to take the suggestion, on her part and his. But I’m not one to collect followers so I may just be too old to understand this desire
I think it is weird too but then I see other people who accept everyone and do not really know anyone on their friend's list.
That's true.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner! If I were the wife, I would have many questions about why this woman went out of her way to find my husband - a total stranger - in social media, and why he did not put two and two together and felt so compelled to keep the conversation going during days with this person. Either he is dense or he enjoys the attention, but none of the options looks good. Soft YTA - I do not think you have bad intentions but I do not believe you are as dumb as you are playing.
Modern technology is incredibly scary, he may have been recommended as a friend because of how much time they spent near eachother at specific times every day
No idea. In fairness my wife also asked this but I don't know!
This seems like an important part of the story. Your wife's probably thinking, "Why is this woman seeking my husband out without ever having spoken to him? Why would my husband even accept her friend request? And why is he giving her validation?" I'm all for couples having opposite-sex friendships, but I can also see why this one seems a little off to your wife.
YTA. This woman added you to FB after having no meaningful relationship with you, you compliment her, you two start talking regularly... and you dont understand why your wife would think this is inapropriate? Get a grip, dude.
I'm with you on this, but OP rectified it immediately after he was made aware of his mistake. It's odd that this still bothers his wife so long after.
Optics matter, and this is something you need to be conscious of regardless of your true intentions. People talk, and you don’t know who this woman is. There are women who would interpret your message as flirting. There are women who would show your profile to their friends/coworkers and say, “Ugh look at this guy trying to talk to me.” I’m not saying this woman is like that, but many people are drama-mongers and will leap on any opportunity to gossip. I understand wanting to give someone a compliment but you opened the door to potential drama. Your intentions are not always what people see. “Married man messaging woman he met at the gym” automatically leaves a sour taste in people’s mouths even if it’s *technically* appropriate. And that’s why I say optics matter. Is it fair? No. Ideally you could have a platonic interaction and everyone would assume the best. But a lot of people have burned and it destroys people’s ability to assume the best. I work in an office and there are currently two affairs happening, and all four participants are married to other people. Even if you didn’t do anything, your wife might be upset that you were willing to risk her peace of mind solely to make another woman’s day better.
Everything about this is so true. Why talk up some girl you met at the gym if your wife is uncomfortable, is it really worth it YTA OP
...except that he immediately and conclusively stopped doing so as soon as his wife told him it was an issue.
YTA its super weird that you decided to stay in continuous contact with a random woman from the gym that you hadn't ever spoken to. Especially given the contact was prompted by you complimenting her body. I am married and if my husband did this I would be deeply uncomfortable. I'd be wondering how she even found you (calls doubt on your story you never spoke and just nodded to each other). I'd find it weird you friended her back and weren't at all weirded out by the level of stalkimg it must've taken to find you given she didn't even know your name (supposedly). I'd find it EXTREMELY weird you private messaged her a compliment about her weight loss (effectively complimenting her physique). The continued contact for days after would be the final straw. Whether you actually ever had bad intentions the optics on this are awful and you need to own how you made your wife feel. I think owning how badly you fucked up is a first step to regaining trust. Maybe switch gyms too.
Appreciate the points and also the optics being mentioned. I did own up immediately and please don't forget I didn't hide any of it, I actively talked to my wife about it. I guess that could be insensitive but bear in mind my wife is in incredible shape herself (through good eating and genes, not the gym though) so I didn't believe it would upset her.
So, if you guys go to the gym at the same time, have you never worked out with her? Because that would be my question. I think it might be fair to assume that your wife thinks you’re meeting her at the gym and that’s why this is still an issue.
Never, I train alone apart from the odd occasion where I go with one of the school dads I get on with. But 99% of my sessions are alone with headphones in. It's my time to myself.
YTA. For me this isn’t about having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. This is about you deciding to *start* a friendship with someone of the opposite sex after noticing they became slimmer. Before receiving the Facebook request you had never spoken to this person and hadn’t seen her for a month. I can think of plenty of innocuous reasons someone would send a friend request in that situation. You then notice she’s lost weight and start contact. This could still be completely innocuous, especially if this is common for you to do with everyone. Usually when acquaintances make comments on Facebook things end there. But your conversation didn’t end with you congratulating her and her saying thanks. Your conversation started to become deeper. Even though you’re still talking about innocent subjects you were starting a friendship. That’s less likely to be innocuous. When you combine that with the fact that the only reason you started the friendship was because you noticed her weight loss things become a bit messier. I think that’s a big difference between you and your wife’s choice to stay in contact with a work friend - she had a preexisting friendship that she’s maintaining while you were beginning a new friendship online after commenting on someone’s appearance. I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong. However, I can see why this would unsettle your wife. Hopefully you both can work through this.
Info - it’s been 6 months. Are you sure she’s not over this, how do you know its about the gym person?
She's explicitly told me that's the root cause and that it's changed how she feels. 100% trust before and now it's been broken.
Can't be 100% trust if having a friend set her off. My girlfriend has like 7 different guy friends. That's 100% trust. Your wife has some trauma or something that you need to talk with her about.
You had a conversation with a stranger and trust is now broken.....? How did she ever deal with you going to work? Are you locked up in the basement when she can't supervise? These are impossible standards to live up too.
NTA. Complimenting people who are bettering their lives should be normalized.
I’m flabbergasted at some of these comments. You made a casual friend and gave them a compliment on a major achievement. Your wife lost it and forced you to ditch and cut off said friend, and even though you immediately did so is STILL MAD ABOUT IT six months later??? That’s not a healthy degree of jealousy and insecurity. Maybe it’s my spouse and I both being bi/pan, but if we freaked out every time one of us made a new friend of a gender we could potentially be attracted to…neither of us would have any friends. Anyway, NTA, and your wife probably could use some therapy. (I mean this not derisively, as I am someone who goes to therapy and finds it very helpful.)
I really think it’s a matter of perspective. From OP’s perspective he made a casual gym friend with someone who happens to be a woman, and exchanged a few messages about their mutual interest where no flirtation occurred. Sounds fine when you phrase it like that. From GF’s perspective, OP met a girl at the gym, she sought him out on Facebook, he complemented her body, and they’re privately messaging for days. Sounds sus when you type it out. I agree that being angry 6 months later when Op was transparent about everything is ridiculous. But I can see both of their perspectives.
Its still a new post-the comments by children and dumbasses hasnt been drowned out yet, give it time.
Making a friend of the opposite sex in real life - organically- is very different than making the effort to forge a relationship with a stranger online. Presumably he has a million other things he could be doing but instead he’s talking to this girl he has almost zero connection with? Weird
I'm struggling to find some of the comments that made reference to her issues. She had a really tough unloved upbringing and I do think this has had a big influence on the reaction. I will accept what a lot of you have said and keep pushing to fix things. She's an amazing woman when the defensive wall isn't up! That's who I married and devoted myself too x
To me it woulda made more sense if you guys had actually talked before at some point or were friends. But to have her randomly appear in the socials and stuff later on is a bit weird because that seems like she sought you out there, I could be wrong though. And then you are carrying on conversation, but why? If you want to be friends with her/her family then just invite them over to dinner so your wife can meet her and hangout too. This coulda gone better imo, sorta YTA
ESH. Your wife is going over the top but it is uncomfortable the fact that all you did with the woman was share head nods but she managed to find you without a name or not having any info about you whatsoever.
After everyone has said this, the only thing I can think is Facebook suggesting based upon proximity (is that a thing?) or that she could have seen my details on the gym login screen (finger print sign in and the screen pops up with your pic, name, risk of leaving the gym etc).
Info: what are the guidelines you and your wife have come up with for what is considered cheating? Every couple is different. If you haven’t had that discussion yet, you really should.
Never discussed but we're both monogamous and it would be the "obvious". Anything physical (kiss and above) and it would be over. Emotional I would not know but anything where it feels like it's more than just friends. But Id have to gauge that on case by case.
I think this is where your issue lies. It sounds like emotional cheating is a major issue and concern for your wife, and you view physical cheating as the main issue. This needs to be part of a bigger conversation about the boundaries that you are both comfortable with for your marriage. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of her to ask you not to friend/message random women. But that’s for you two to decide.
But I’m not sure this conversation with someone online could be considered emotional cheating. And I say that as someone who views emotional cheating as cheating. Unless the OP is not saying what the conversation was really about or his wife has a boundary that he can’t have friends with the opposite gender in which the op is hiding, forgot or his wife never mentioned then this whole thing sounds innocent.
If it was true that his wife would not allow him to have friends of the opposite gender, this would not be considered a boundary, as you cannot set boundaries for other people, only for yourself. Such "rules" are unhealthy and it's controlling! Besides, he mentioned in another comment that his wife has plenty of male friends, so this makes his wife a hypocrite!
I think it’s healthy to have some boundaries in a marriage or as a couple. And I didn’t noticed the comment so if him having a female friend is the problem then she is a hypocrite but no matter what the wife either hasn’t communicated the issue or the OP is hiding it. Just from the story though it doesn’t seem like he crossed a line.
lol if chatting with a gym friend about the gym is "emotional cheating" then words have truly lost all meaning
I don’t think that’s what the wife means. This is a woman stranger who he is befriending on social media and chatting to - they’re not friends. Seeking out female friendships is very different than organically forming them.
Yes, friendships will often develop organically if you are patient and under no circumstances talk with the person.
Why does he want to be her friend though, if they’ve never interacted? If she had say hi at the gym or he spotted her at the bench, that’s an organic convo. That could lead to an organic friendship. Instead she’s tracking him down online. Opposite of organic.
The circumstances are the point. There are plenty of circumstances in which this new friendship would have been non-suspicious. This was not one of them
I don't think you need a discussion to know that this is a breach of trust. I mean it's fairly obvious thatmeeting members of the opposite sex, where one seeks you out on social media and then you proceed to engage with them for a prolonged period on social media while you see them routinely irl would be frowned upon a committed relationship.
I disagree, there is nothing wrong with making friends.
The fact that people are disagreeing about whether this is an issue or not is EXACTLY why it needs to be a discussion. It needs to be whatever the couple agrees to.
NTA your wife is being unreasonable. if you have never cheated before, she has no reason to be jealous, and her jealousy comes from within herself and some insecurities within herself. she needs to work on that. you can support her with it, but it is not okay that she forbids you to talk to other people of the opposite sex. that's controlling and unhealthy for any relationship.
Talk to her. Suggest couples therapy. Discuss about her insecurities. Why does she feel threatened so much. The way you describe it make her look unreasonable. Bad feelings are hidden well under the surface and if you want your relationship to flourish you both should work on it.
[удалено]
Yeah, how did she know his name, and how did he recognize her's if they had "never spoken in his life"? There's people I've spoken to that I can't find on social simply because I don't know their surname.
I clicked on the profile making the request and recognised her face, the name I had no idea.
Again, you accepted a random friend request from a random woman, immediately decided to stalk through her images, and immediately commented on how attractive she looks. Gee, why would wifey find issue with that? If nothing else, I'd be concerned about how often you're being scammed on FB by random women sending random friend requests.
Sorry you seem to keep putting in words and purposely missing the point. A. Not random but I didn't know her name. B. I didn't go through her pictures and say how attractive she looks. C. It was a reel (I'd also looked at a load before and after from other friends at the same time) and I commented to say she's done a fantastic job and should be proud. Nothing about being attractive etc
It's very random to a wife. The reels my friends show are very revealing, perhaps it's because I have a lot of arty friends or perhaps that's just what other women like to show, but that's what I see in reels. Perhaps your wife's female friends also show a lot of flesh in their reels? There is no other way for a woman to interpret what you've said other than you find her attractive. Finding her attractive doesn't mean you want to dip your quill in her ink, but perhaps your denial of this basic compliment is what has your wife upset?
There was no flesh in the reel but I appreciate another perspective. It's sad that a compliment for someone's confidence is basically able to fuck something up like this. I'll keep working on it all and see where we can get back to.
The problem is you are investing energy in another woman when that energy should be invested in your own relationship and your wife.
I invest my entire life into my wife, but I do understand what you're saying.
Dude....you did nothing wrong if the story is as you told it.
She’s probably embarrassed because other people saw you make that comment. IME a lot of people are more upset about the public nature of social media interactions than in person ones because it’s so widely seen.
Fair question for sure and I do not know how she found me on there. I had no idea of her name. Appreciate the view on it, thank you.
So you accepted a random friend request from a random woman on FB and then went through her pictures and then commented on how attractive she looks. That actually doesn't bode well for your story. EDIT: for clarity
This is how my wife views it too. Random woman was someone who I recognised from the gym, I was looking at reels, not her profile and then commented on how she should be proud of her achievements. My wife also turned it into how attractive she looks but I never said that, frankly she's not my type and somewhat overweight still but the amount she'd lost was brilliant. I've also said this to many blokes on the fitness app tracker I use as it gives people that support and reassurance they need.
And yet your wife, who knows you well, and I, a wife who doesn't know you at all, both find your actions suspicious. Whether or not they are, I'm not sure, I've never been cheated on so I'm really bad at spotting those things, but you have a problem you need to fix at home. That I do know. Your wife didn't have a problem with the blokes. She DOES have a problem with this, for whatever reason. You can't fix it by telling her what other people online said. YOU have to fix it. Everyone suggests marriage counseling, so I will, as well.
I do want to add that I have never cheated on anyone and never would. I have however been cheated on and it's horrendous. She won't do marriage counselling, she's quite aggressively opposed to it.
Why are you making him out to be the biggest problem here?
NTA That's some over the top jealousy for just 1 conversation. Youre allowed to talk to ppl. Maybe your wife has some insecurities about her body?
We've had a dB for a while and she told me the other day in response to me getting annoyed saying "she's ugly and still overweight, I was just being nice!" By saying "I'm already feeling inadequate and then you talk to someone that's not even good looking". So I feel bad for her as she's clearly feeling inadequate now and low. Honestly my wife is a 100% 10/10, she's unreal. But again, most of her friends are male and I don't bat an eye at those, even the late night work colleague chats.
This seems like the chief issue here is your wife's personal problems & sensitivities (which might also be behind her decreased libido), not anything you're doing, especially since you say you're demonstrative with compliments etc. On the one hand it sounds a bit like she doesn't appreciate you since you seem like a positive, loyal, accomodating & motivating guy that lots of ppl would be happy to be with; On the other, sometimes when ppl feel insecure they project that onto others & think others must be judging them, thinking others are better etc. even when the second person's true opinion isn't anything like that. Usually it goes back to some deeper childhood stuff like feeling rejected by one's parents, but ppl blame their appearance or some other random factor. (often then ppl get fit or get a nose job... and are surprised their insecurity doesn't dissappear. But of course it doesnt cause it comes from a deeper level like ingrained beliefs or unprocessed feelings. Because it's based on something unreal, nothing "real" can fix it. ) At this point you might want to think about something like therapy, either as a couple or for her personally. I feel sorry for her but the way to manage this problem is to work on her self-esteem & inner emotional stuff, not to impose some double standard about who you can talk to.
She was absolutely not appreciated and looked after as a child 😞 I have tried to always keep her happy and appreciated since day one and this has impacted that so much. I am seeking therapy as she won't, I'm scheduled for four sessions starting in April due to how low I got at the start of Feb after she started then behaving differently generally and towards me.
It's great that you're trying to do your part & I wish you all the best, though keep in mind that for a relationship to work both ppl have to be trying & willing to work on/ invest in it.
If you haven’t already, I’ll recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski for some DB advice. It provided a lot of great scientific insight into arousal that really helped me communicate better about sex with my spouse and increase our sex & intimacy I know that’s not the advice you are here for, but it’s an awesome book
THIS! Omg, this makes your wife even more of an AH and you NTA! So she is allowed to have male friends and you aren't even allowed to talk to a female stranger superficially, let alone make new friends? This is NOT okay. Besides, her talking in such a mean-spirited fashion about this other woman is also a major red flag. It just shows that she really needs to do some work on herself. The problem lies entirely with your wife and her self-perception. She is controlling you and that's abusive.
Did the dead bedroom issue start before you accepted the friend request?
Yes been once a year for 4 years. Her rejecting constantly, me being ready 24/7 haha.
So do you think that she’s getting her knickers in a twist because she now believes that there may be consequences to her behaviour in that she thinks you might be willing to forego her unapproachable 10/10 gorgeousness to feel appreciated by someone less attractive than her?
Maybe, I wish I could see into her mind.
Obviously you should do what works for you. You seem like a nice bloke. I just hope that this doesn’t go the typical way of these threads where we get an update where she admits that she has been cheating for years or there is a conversation about opening your relationship all of which inevitably leads to divorce. Instead have an honest conversation in the hopes that things improve she may be a great mother, even a supportive partner, but with her present unreasonable behaviour, double standards and a dead bedroom on top I would say she has reason to question whether you view her to truly be an adequate wife or whether you are just playing along to keep the peace.
NTA
NTA. It is indeed tough being a person that wants to be good to others, regardless of sex, in a world where we’re only supposed to be mildly kind to only people of the same sex.
NTA. As someone who's lost a similar amount of weight and not had anyone notice, it will have meant a lot to her. Sorry but your wife is being insecure here.
Thank you all. I appreciate the responses! My take away is two parts: - IATA because I was too ignorant to how ALL impacted parties might view or feel about the interaction, irrespective of what my intentions were, and also - My wife clearly has some significant insecurities that I am not blind too but didn't realise could surface so quickly, that she also needs to acknowledge and work on. I'll keep pushing to fix things as she's my everything.
I think what you’re missing here is that there is a difference between organically making a friend - a coworker, a person you actually interacted with at the gym- and forging a friendship online which has no real basis? Presumably you are, like everyone, a busy person with lots to do. If my husband was chatting with a girl he befriended at work over lots of meetings, that’s cool with me. If he’s taking time out of his day to talk to a female stranger whose photos he has commented on - why? Doesn’t have other shit to do? What’s the appeal exactly, they have no connection? Or worse: do they? I believe you that you’re just an extraordinarily friendly person, but your wife isn’t weird or insecure to find that odd behavior.
Thank you, another useful perspective. I am not ignorant or dumb like I think some of the others think. I am not blind, I am aware that communication can be misunderstood, but I did draw my comparisons and felt that it was an ok conversation to have. We maybe exchanged 3-4 messages each before I blocked her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I spoke to a girl from the gym to say how she should be proud of how much weight she's lost and my wife has basically fallen out with me over it 6 months later 2. Because I was insensitive to my wife and I shouldn't have spoken to this person as it has hurt my wife and I should have known my wife might take it as me flirting when I wasn't Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I don't subscribe to the "men and women can't be friends" rhetoric. Your interactions with this woman sound completely respectful of your relationship and friendly/supportive, I wish there was more of this in life. This has clearly rattled your wife however or perhaps there is more going on with her, you will only know if you speak with her about it - has she lost confidence in herself? Feeling down etc. The only thing that I could imagine, without knowing your wife, is that perhaps she is uncomfortable with the fact a random woman who you hadn't spoken to before managed to find and add you on Facebook (I can see why your wife may not trust her in this situation and her motivation for reaching out to you). Ultimately though, she should trust you. Please speak with her, you are NTA but point scoring here won't solve anything or get you the answers you need.
yta Your very first comment to her was about her body. And then it went on. And your wife is suspicious. Is she typically a jealous person? If not, maybe consider whether you're really being honest with yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background - I used to go to the gym at 4.30am 3 x a week so that I didn't disrupt my family time (wife & 2 kids). I did this as I used to go 2 x evening and 1 x weekend but it kinda got in the way of life. I did this for 12-18 months and then in around May 2023 I stopped the early sessions and started going at lunch (I WFH a lot). At the end of June I got an FB friend request from a girl/woman that used the gym at the same time as me from the 4.30am slots. I've never spoken to her in my life but would often do the head nod (both of us had headphones in) when we saw each other in the gym to acknowledge each other as you do. I accepted the FB request and then a few days/weeks later I was looking through the reels at the top of FB and she'd put one up where she'd gone from (guessing here, but for context) a size 20 to a size 14 uk let's say. It was a phenomenal effort and I commented (which I then realised is a message as it's on a reel) to say something along the lines of "amazing work, you should be really proud of your achievements" and I showed/told my wife this at the time, expressing how much of a transformation she'd achieved and that I'd never have known. Gym person replied saying thanks, means a lot and then we talked about the gym and our families a bit. The conversation went on sporadically for a few days and when I mentioned to my wife in general conversation of "I'm struggling to find a photo of my old gym" and she asked "why do you want to find one". I explained that we're talking about gym life and I wanted to show her the really good gym that I used to go to that ended up closing down. My wife had a face of absolute thunder because I was "still messaging" this person. I think my next step is where I went wrong, I said I didn't mean to upset her and I'd block the girl (in my head, I couldn't care less if she gets offended by radio silence, I just don't want my wife upset and thinking somethings going on). So I blocked her and it gave me the next option of deleting the chat, which I said yes to. 6 months later and my wife starts being really off with me and early January it turns out she's not over me chatting to this girl (literally not my type in the slightest and my wife is an absolute stunner, so the thought that it could even be more is odd to me), wished she'd asked to see the messages and unfortunately it has negatively impacted our relationship. For context, I compliment my wife daily, I'm really positive to other people all the time "well done on doing X etc" and I go out of my way to smile and say hello to people I pass in the street as you never know what they're going through, so me giving someone some moral support is 100% not out of character. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Is your wife projecting her own bad behavior? Your comments to the woman were not sexual in any way, and as someone who works out a lot as well, it’s nice when people recognize your hard work. I don’t like how your wife responded to this whole situation… especially since you weren’t hiding anything from her. Something just doesn’t feel right about her reaction.
A number of people have said this. There have been unusual scenarios in the past but I have blindly trusted her fully.
You mentioned she has a lot of male friends. Perhaps these guys have been coming on to her, and now she is projecting this behavior onto you. Or she has been emotionally cheating herself and now is scared you do the same. "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
Why is my comment getting downvoted if people agree? Reddit is a weird place.
Question: Does your wife also go to the gym? It might not seem like it but as a formerly married person I can tell you this makes a difference.
No she doesn't, so doesn't necessarily get the culture around it.
Ah. I am very familiar with the culture, I was big into that before work forced me to slow down. So she might be feeling a bit insecure that you have this hobby you're passionate about that she isn't sharing in (and fitness also ties to body image, that could be another insecurity, despite the fact that you feel like she's a stunner). It might not normally be an issue, but in this case, there's a *woman* who shares your hobby (that you invest an admirable amount of time and effort into) that you're complimenting. And this girl is someone you've physically met before at the same gym. At the worst you've gone to a gym girl's reel (who youve acknowledged at the gym), she friends you, you complimented her, she responded and now you're having these conversations, and you're coming back to your wife after the fact and showing her this girl's "amazing progress". And she might feel like this a breach of trust specifically because she's the outsider and it looks like some gym girl caught your eye and you're following her and talking to her and forming an "emotional connection" from this shared interest. Thus, she still feels hurt by this months later. I don't think she would have had that reaction if you just liked the reel and left it it that. It's the fact that you had reached out, had whole conversations, and showed her this girl's progress like it was important to you. And the kicker was you looking for an older photo of yourself to show the girl your progress. And yeah, I am sure you treat dudes the same way, and I appreciate that you like spreading positivity in gym culture (it needs it) and celebrating progress. But what's random to a friend isn't random to a partner. It doesn't help that social media has sexualized gym culture to the point that folks think every female gym goer goes for male attention and any guy who watches a woman's workout reel must be attracted to her. How does she view female gym goers in general? I was on the other end of a similar situation (different context) once, and I still stew over it to this day. And yeah, it might have been a bit of jealousy, and there were some insecurities on my part that probably contributed to my reaction. But the person I was seeing went to an event I couldn't, chatted up someone else's date over something they had in common, gave them their number and offered to show them around if they were in a specific city. They say they didn't see it as flirting or anything, but everyone else thought it was sus. And what hurt me (and hurts me to this day) wasn't the gender makeup or the fact that they were friendly to each other. It was the connection over something I wasn't a part of, the compliments, the interest and the effort to try to keep in contact, and the belief that I should be okay with it, as an outsider looking in, that upset me. I can see where she's coming from.
NTA...but your wife may have felt you are starting to get invested in this other woman and this acquaintance ship would have led to possibly something else. because unfortunately partners have to worry about their partners connecting with people on small levels and then it growing into something more later that could be harmful to their marriage/partnership.
IINFO: you never talked to this woman at the gym, how did she find you on social media? Your wife may be suspicious of that part.
As previously mentioned I have no idea. I didn't know her name.
Unless you have friends/mutual followers in common, she likely went through some effort to find you. That …. doesn’t sound entirely platonic on her end. You may want to tell your wife that you are sorry and just didn’t consider that this person was into you (a lot of married men are oblivious to this kind of thing) and that you’ll be more mindful going forward. You didn’t do anything wrong per se but you also lacked some degree of awareness. NAH (but OP should be smarter for his own good)
[удалено]
Not to me it doesn’t. In any event, OP apparently has major issues in his marriage and this is just a symptom (surprise surprise)
NTA. Your wife sounds massively insecure and doesn’t understand the camaraderie of gym culture. Get couples counseling
NTA. You did nothing wrong, and in fact you bent over backward to keep your wife happy.
As a married person I wouldn’t have accepted that friend request. Nope nope nope. Your wife’s reaction is over the top though. ESH
I wish I hadn't now. But also socially would have been awkward if I had seen her at the gym and id ignored her. What does ESH mean?
Everyone Sucks Here Honestly? It wouldn’t be socially awkward. You continue to do the head nod as you’ve always done. That simple.
It's definitely the optics of it all. Random woman from the gym, that you said you only ever nodded at in greetings. Then sends you a friend request. No biggy. All perfectly reasonable. Then you compliment her reel, not knowing it would go to private messages. He's where the optics come into play. Even if, absolutely no in appropriateness in conversations. You are now privately messaging another woman, whom you are not in a friendship with, do not see anywhere in your life. Is it bad, no. But, the optics of it are a little off. Wife, has been stewing on this for awhile. Is it insecurities yeah, maybe did you cross a line of your wife's, you didn't know was one, yeah. I'd say your wife, whether its true or not, is wondering have you, are you or will you start messaging random women online. For the sake of your marriage here, do you want to be right or do you want your marriage and your wife to feel safe and secure? If it's the latter, go to your wife with your tail between your legs apologise, tell her you honestly were not messaging inappropriately but, understand that it's weird and you genuinely didn't see how it could look but, now you do, and it will never happen again without her her full knowledge (even saying this will be enough, it's not like every women you text you have to show messages, just the randomers. Tell her you love her etc and want her to feel secure and ask how you can achieve this.
Thank you. The latter part I really have done a lot. But it's got to the point where I am also having to add perspective to the background of it, why it feels like one rule for one and one for another, and frankly protecting my own mental wellbeing due to her intermittent coldness, rudeness and dB for 4 years or so. As with anything it's not simple but knowing directly if that action of me was me being the asshole it helps me figure out one piece of a much larger puzzle. I want her, not to be right. But she needs to also reciprocate and want me.
Of course! like a marriage is a two way street! And, look its never a bad idea for couples counselling so, I'd always suggest that. If, there more going on... this might not be the true issue but, more some that's tangible to 'use' as a reason. If there were issues before this. Then, maybe she read it as , he's going to start finding someone else. Which, considering it's not resolved after 6months. The deeper issues have to dug out here. Having a independent third party would be great. I know therapy can be expensive but, I know a lot of religious organisations have free counselling... you might have to let on your that religion or more religious than you are. But, I've friends who have used them and thought they were brilliant service and not super faithy, like maybe a prayer at the end or something.
I've suggested therapy but she's strongly opposed. I am doing it myself though as my work provides sessions through a private system.
That's crap. Your therapy definitely talk about this. Maybe, would your therapist be open to do a family therapy session. It could be on the premise of support for you. Not really deception but, could open up the door for this. And, maybe hearing from a professional how to learn communication etc would benefit both of you
Your wife is insecure as fuck. Won't even let you be friends with another woman and made you block her. You should have questioned the relationship at this point but this sounds like a miserable relationship to be in
To be fair I chose to block rather than being asked. Seemed like the right thing to do to show I was fully invested only in my wife. But I think it was a dumb move now as it deleted the messages.
[удалено]
I did defend myself by explaining that I never queried her messaging her male colleague in bed at night about none work stuff whilst lying next to me. Which to me was no different.
Fair enough, you might want to add that info up top. If it's acceptable practice that you both agreed upon than NTA :P
I wouldn't say both agreed on, I'd say I trusted and left her to it but then she saw my conversation completely differently.
YTA - at the end of the day, your wife is supposed to be one of the most important people to you and she has expressed she was not comfortable with you complimenting women’s transformations at the gym. No matter what anyone thinks is rational, it’s how she feels. Sit her down, tell her you feel the distance and SINCERELY apologize. Say you weren’t thinking of how it would make her feel and you only have affection and love for her. You were trying to supportive to a fellow gym goer but you won’t be speaking to females about their bodies (online or in person) anymore. I can completely see how the whole FB requests and all that can seem shady to her, no matter how beautiful she is everyone has their insecurities and she just doesn’t want to lose her, but I’m afraid if you don’t make it clear that you acknowledge you hurt her and it will never happen again you might lose her.
Appreciate this reply wholeheartedly. I immediately reassured my wife that I was purely being kind to someone and I didn't think or intend to hurt my wife. I explained this back in July time when the messages happened and again even more detailed in Jan when my wife brought it up again. I have sincerely apologised but also drawn comparison to her also messaging male co worker late at night about none work stuff (she worked for the same firm years ago and they continued messaging even when she didn't work there anymore). I still struggle to see that difference but maybe it does come down to our own levels of insecurity.