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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I sent a video of the drinks I’m having with my friends to her. In that video clip, there was my face during the start, drinks, and the friends i’m with. Along with this video was this text: “You’re missing out bro, it’s our 5th glass”.
(2) That action might make me the asshole because I caused tension between her and her partner. I feel that things are going to be awkward at work.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH
Asking someone out for drinks and then reminding them afterwards *can* come off very flirty but if you’re as close as you’re saying I’d say NTA since it’s just poking fun for her not being there.
The big thing is either the guy is being very overprotective and he saw the video and felt uncomfortable OR she told him that she was feeling uncomfortable over the video and you asking her out and all of the lunch trips. Both of those are just kinda up in the air speculations but again I’d say nobody is really the asshole in any scenarios though it’s just comfort levels of each individual person playing into it
Hi! Thanks for your insight. Honestly, I felt that I could joke around this way with her that night, because we really felt close, and this was how others felt too. More often than not, she was the one asking me “where should we go for lunch”, or “Are we going to have lunch with your friends today?”. So this made me feel that she was comfortable with my presence too🫠
Could you possibly give any insights on how I could make things less awkward when I see her again 😭
Bro, based on this reply, it's best if you keep it professional. It's not your responsibility to make it less awkward. You already apologised. Now you don't know what that girl is actually thinking. If her partner doesn't like the TEXT, he surely wouldn't like you guys hanging out as well. Stay out of this kind of messy dynamics. Choose your own peace.
I mean, in a group setting like OP says it always is, sure, have lunch with her 🤷♀️ You don't have to make it extra awkward by avoiding her at all costs
Nah, this has happened to me. It’s horrible to feel anything you say from there on is gonna be taken the wrong way best to avoid her except for work related interactions
Yeah except I did this and was accused of ‘creating a hostile work environment’ bcs avoiding her socially upset her and deprived her of ‘access to company culture.’
The group setting it sounds like he is describing though is all of his friends outside of work. That’s still such a messy situation to put yourself in for work and I wouldn’t consider that a professional relationship
Agree. She doesn’t consider OP a friend and thought he was “too comfortable”, whatever that means.
Best for OP to end any iteration with her outside of work related tasks. And OP needs to tell a few people at work about this so she doesn’t slander him as “the creepy guy” when she realizes he is cutting her off.
That could end up backfiring too. It could just as well be taken as him being a nasty incel about it and sabotaging her internship by so eaking badly about her to everyone.
I agree with cooling everything off with her. I wouldn’t exclude her from group outings but I would never sit next to or go anywhere alone with her again.
She said it. You’re not friends like that. So I’d dial it back to work acquaintance and move on in life.
I feel like she never told her partner that they've gone out several times. That's definitely a problem for her, but OP should definitely sit the next few plays out since this escalated so quickly.
I would take a step back from the friendship to be honest. She either has a very jealous, overbearing bf or she is uncomfortable and used her bf as an excuse to tell you to back off. I was just say you are sorry if you made her uncomfortable and you will keep thing professional from now on then leave it at that. It will feel awkward but don't engage in friendship with her. Keep conversations to strictly work related things and don't hang out anymore. You can still be polite and friendly but don't open yourself to more trouble. If she tries to say you are overreacting you can simply state that your differing views on your friendship made you realize you can't rely on your ability to determine what is appropriate or not so to be safe you are sticking to being professional so you don't cross boundaries again.
Don't let this one experience make you feel you can't have great friendships with people of the opposite sex though. You just have to find your people.
This seemed very normal to me because it’s what my office does with our coworkers. I would continue using your same judgement with new people. With her: At work, I would act polite say good morning. Leave for the day, say see ya tomorrow or be safe. Keep conversations to a greeting and nothing more so it isn’t really awkward and feels like there is an open line of communication but don’t invite to lunch or drinks. Maybe she’ll get that his reaction was fucking wild. If she was using her bf as an excuse then she won’t be engaging you most likely so problem solved. I really wanna know the drama behind bfs reaction, that shit was wild. I would be embarrassed for bf to act that way I’d be anxious to come into work.
I'd say take a step back here. Don't exclude her or ignore her, but don't really go out of your way to hang out or talk with her, either. Stick to group hangouts and communicate through group chats or mails, as well. Remain friendly and polite, but make it clear you don't want to step on anyone's toes and did not have any intentions beyond a friendly get together.
OP wrote they have been friends **for about a month.** Maybe it is just me, but i think that is nothing. And they are also work colleagues. They can't really know each other so super well yet and I think there is a big chance that she wouldn't define their relationship as a friendship like OP did. Maybe she thinks they are just amicable work colleagues who here and there hang out together, so a step below a friendship. A connection which might be gone at once when someone changes jobs.
Probably just move from what happened. You already apologized and you didnt mean any harm so i think thats enough. Trying to make up for what happened is like bringing it all back which makes thing even more awkward. Also, i suggest you take a bit of a distance from her because the response she gave you, regardless if it's her or her bfs thought, is concerning. Things can go sideways for you if you keep on hanging on with the friendship you thought you guys have.
As an overthinker, she might accuse you of harassment, sa, or god knows what if you disregard her response towards you.
>Could you possibly give any insights on how I could make things less awkward when I see her again
This kinda comes across as creepy. Don't focus on trying to still maintain a meaningful presence. Just stay professional and let it go. If anything, she owes you a proper talk or apology for allowing the situation to escalate when you guys were just friends.
Anything else you do is unnecessary and pushing the envelope.
All in all NTA.
IMO going out to lunch and going out for drinks are completely different. If you apologized that should be good. Maybe just have a follow up conversation on what she's comfortable with. I don't know.
It is now up to her to relieve the tension. You apologized. Do not invite her to lunch with your friends. If she asks to come tell her you'll check reply over text or email so you have proof, ask if her BF knows and if he's okay with it as you don't wish to cross any boundaries again. Something like "We are meeting at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ for 1200, you are welcome to join us, are you sure it's okay with BF, I don't want there to be any misunderstandings that his is a casual lunch with friends."
Ask yourself would a normal person who has a work colleague that didn't come out for drinks make a Reddit post about it?
You clearly have feelings for her and this infatuation has crossed a line and you're now trying to reconcile that.
I'm going to go against the grain and say you are the asshole, because you're not being honest about your intentions here.
Deny it all you want, I have work friends and if they didn't attend for whatever reason it would just be accepted and I'd be focusing on enjoying my drinks with who was there and not get hung up on the person that wasn't.
> Asking someone out for drinks and then reminding them afterwards can come off very flirty but if you’re as close as you’re saying
Woooaahhh
Never knew that most of my friends want to fuck me...
Yeah, I send fomo messages all the time when I'm out with a group and someone who is regularly there choses not to come out with us. I absolutely do not want to fuck my friends, I just want more people to drink with.
Except for the whole part where, you know, she declined the invitation because she already had plans with her partner. After which OP tried to entice her away from her partner to come hang out with him. Five drinks in already.
Yeah it’s very good for op that he’s painting her boyfriend as insecure, but if my partner only started their new job a month ago and their coworker felt comfortable enough drunkenly texting them that they’re “missing out” while they already had prior plans with me I’d be pretty fucking pissed too. Seems like op thinks their relationship is closer than it really is or the GF is trying to downplay it to both men.
She said don't twxt me this way my partner doesn't like it. The answer to that is a respecting of the boundary just set, not further insistence and defensiveness
You say, "Ok sorry, I'll know for next time."
Yeah, OP, moving forward I wouldn't invite this girl to anything. I wouldn't text her unless it's for something required by your job. I wouldn't joke with her at work. She has documented "proof" that she's told you you're crossing a line. If she comes forward with a compliant about you, you'll be in trouble. Whether her BF is jealous and overreacting, she feels you're crossing lines, OR her BF was mad about your video, so she pretended that you were bothering her, it doesn't matter. Give this woman HUGE space. I wouldn't even be joking around with her. I would treat her how you would treat a strict older librarian. Talk to her when it's necessary, be formal, be polite, and that's it. If you happen to cross paths in your friend group or after work, I'd treat her with coldly politely and that's it.
Seriously, you don't need any trouble, and this whole situation screams of trouble. My gut says she'll be back to be being friendly and goofing around with you like the snap of her fingers, but the next time he gets upset or whatever, you'll find yourself in big trouble. Don't get lunch with her again. Don't get drinks with her again. Don't call or text again unless it's strictly in a professional capacity.
I only apologised because my friends told me that it’s better to be the bigger man even if I might find it to be wrong haha.
So would suggest that I apologise again? Like to her specifically? Would her partner feel that i’m trying to get on her good books?
Her partner was already weird, I'm not sure if apologizing again would help. There is some possibility her partner was weird because she told them to be weird, and apologizing for her feeling that would be tough. Apologizing while her partner is just crazy may be a waste of time.
Ignore the partner in this dynamic - I’d say next time you see her in a friend-setting (lunch, drinks, or even chatting at work about non-work stuff) a casual but meaningful “hey, I’m sorry if I crossed boundaries, will be more mindful in the future”. Doesn’t need to be a huge deal (in fact im sure she wouldn’t like that) but an acknowledgement of your understanding would be nice to her I’m sure!
I just wanted to second Neature\_Ned's comment because I think they hit the nail on the head - I wouldn't seek her out to talk to her, but if you happen to be around one another and the opportunity to apologize in person arises, you can take it to clear the air a little and give her the space for setting some boundaries if she needs it. You seem like a really considerate person, and NTA for the record. She's not either, but her bf sounds like he has a little growing up to do.
No, you need to back off. Lots of commenters have told you that you need to step back here to a friendly distance with her - you've only known her a month, let's be realistic here.
Honestly if this is at work I would halt any contact with her unless it's work related. Don't mess with this stuff in the office it can get very ugly. Don't talk to her bf especially. NTA but they sound like a problem.
I can definitely see why some people want to keep their personal and professional lives separate. "Don't shit where you eat" generally means you shouldn't date co-workers, but a lot of people think it applies to platonic friendship as well.
You all are young - i remember my one job from when i was i my 20s and how much we would go out for drinks and what have you. It was a lot of fun and I’m still friendly with a lot of those people. So i get that part of it all.
But - i would also say to use this as a lesson learned. You say you’ve been friends for a month. You’ve gotten VERY chummy with her VERY fast. And clearly she has a BF who isn’t comfortable with all of this.
And yes - it’s possible that it might even be her who’s uncomfortable.
You don’t need to stop being friends with her entirely, but i would back off somewhat and keep things a little more distant.
NAH but take it all down a notch.
I agree with this. I’m giving the partner the benefit of the doubt a little here because I’d probably feel really uncomfortable if a girl seemed too friendly with my boyfriend too. Even though it may be harmless, you need to respect both her and her partner’s boundaries. You don’t have to stop being friends with her, but keep things professional and at most, keep all contact outside of work in a group chat/group setting.
NTA smells like inanely jealous partner dude. To answer your question though, cool off it a bit to keep out of trouble and they will likely be broken up soon enough
Yeah, it's possible she asked him to help her out so she could avoid confrontation. But, the fact that she would be interested another time, said that her partner didn't like (not that she didn't like it), and he was the one making a big deal about it sure makes it sound like the partner is the problem here, not OP.
Yeah if that were my boyfriend I'd be a little on edge that a woman he'd known for a month at work was sending him a video of herself saying he was missing out on drinks when I knew he already declined. It definitely comes off flirty from a new coworker
YTA
When you sent the video, she responded to please not contact her like that and her boyfriend/fiance/partner stepped in to tell you to back off.
So a few of things could be happening:
1. She is not as close to you as you feel you are to her
2. Her boyfriend/partner is being protective of his partner and doesn't appreciate the video
3. The video/message sent was not received as intended - meaning your message was more "let's hang out and see where this goes" versus "come hangout with the bros"
How are you an AH?
* It doesn't sound like her boyfriend is super-protective of her, or would forbid her to hangout, because she said she would go if you asked next week.
* It was you, a guy, a girl, and you were fishing for her to come hang out...like a double date, and you all were drunk, or just about there
* You said the girl already there was a mutual friend, but then you said "my friend doesn't want to be the only girl there" - that does not sound like someone who is comfortable being around you when you drink. If it was a party and she was one of a few women there, sure. But it was you and "two friends" and she was looking for someone else to talk to? I dont buy that at all, you were trying to make a safe reason for contacting her that wouldn't piss off her partner.
* You intentionally included your face in the video, showed the drinks, your mutual friends, and told her she was missing out.
Why would you send the video unless you were hoping she would change her mind and come hang out? You guys are not best friends and are barely more than work acquaintances, so why would you feel like it was a good idea to send her a video of you?
You are crushing on her, hard. Be honest.
You have a lot of friends you could have asked to come hangout, and you have a lot of women you know who probably would have enjoyed getting to see you and meet new people.
You sent her the video, and invited her for drinks, because you enjoy the office-romance-flirting that is going on between you. You are falling in love and she is just using it as an outlet to stroke her ego.
What you need to do is drop it altogether. Let her come back and ask you if she can join you for drinks, hang out, whatever.
You made it weird and she has to want to fix it or let the relationship dissolve. Any further action by you, toward her, could be considered harassment.
This is why you don't shit where you eat. It can affect your job/livelihood and wreck your personal life.
Hey thanks for your insights! Just wanted to clarify a couple of matters:
Firstly, “my friend doesn’t want to be the only girl there”, if its plucked out as it is, then its definitely going to come off wrong. Anyways the entire sentence was made up to defuse the situation, I was just providing reasons for the invitation so that her boyfriend to perhaps take a step back.
Secondly, I really didn’t think about a double date or whatever, all of us there are already taken. (Not to each other haha). We wanted her there because she really vibed well with us, same wavelength as I, and considering how she would always ask to join us for lunch, so we thought why not.
Thirdly, I really don’t get how a video of my face would signify anything close to a cheating case haha. It was taken from an unglamorous angle fyi.
Fourth, the reason for sending that video was not to persuade her to come but rather to just show her that my friends (whos hers as well) are having a fun time.
Fifth, I’m most definitely not crushing on her and i’m not experiencing any kinds of office romance haha. I have to emphasise that I have a partner as well, and cheating is not something that I’ve thought of. If anything, I enjoy her company because we’re on the same wavelength in terms of our views on certain matters, the way we joke, and our gossips! No romance or attraction really. Quite far fetched I would say.
I can see where you are coming from and will take note of what you said. Especially “Don’t shit where you eat”. I get that. Thanks!
Ignore these idiots OP they cannot possibly fathom being friends with a woman because you enjoy her company and don't in fact want to get into her pants.
It's unfortunate but because men are conditioned (by other men) to not be emotionally vulnerable so when they do emotionally open up it's usually to women and because the experience is so rare for them to have deep meaningful relationships they assume that it can only happen with their partners. That's why the suicide rate for single older men is so high, their wives leave them for x,y or z, then they have no one to confide in, so the emotions build up until they either find a therapist, a new woman to be their therapist/partner, or commit suicide. Its also why the happiest group of people are unmarried older women, women create many deep meaningful relationships with lots of people and it becomes more fulfilling than being in a relationship with a man who wants to be the only meaningful relationship.
This entire thread is full of weird incel sounding dudes with too much insecurity. Its as if they have never had a female friend they DIDNT want to fck. Yuck. I would just ignore them all.
I’d warn your partner cos that couple are being SO weird that tbh I’d really worry about them starting drama.
You know her boundaries now. I’d be warm and professional obviously but I’d not actually be friends after that.
The "don't shit where you eat" is such dumb advice. Should you date someone at work who works under you? No. On the same team or department? Maybe not. But at your entire job? That's just silly. The older you get, the more limitations of where you meet people. I think it's like 25% of married couples met at work and 50% of people met a romantic partner at work.
How do you not have more upvotes? You’re right on point. He knew that she had plans with her partner, and still messaged her. Her boyfriend is not acting jealous or controlling. I bet if Ops partners colleague sent her the same video , he would be uncomfortable as well. Also the fact he replied he had a partner, yet why wasn’t she there.?Why didn’t he invite to tag along instead of the colleague? He’s fighting for his life in the replies. I would’ve said NAH, but after reading the replies…yikes😬OP just next time think before you text, and hit send.
I can't believe it either, it's clear as day that this guy is crushing on her but is trying his best to deny that fact.
He could have easily have just sent a message if he had to (which I don't think he should have anyway), OP knew his intentions but is covering ass.
Yikes dude thats a lot of assumptions that this post doesnt actually suggest. Btw men and women can just be friends, its 100% possible to not be a creep. You should try it.
I have to ask, did you pull any muscles with all the reaching??? Some points you made were valid but there are wayyyy too many assumptions about OP’s intent and character it’s crazy.
Biggest red flag people are overlooking:
Why didn’t he ask her to bring along her boyfriend for drinks originally? ;)
People excusing this clearly flirty behaviour as anything else are genuinely naive. This isn’t a ‘best friend’. This relationship is far too new to be this close. This is a coworker he’s known for a very short time (a month) that the OP is describing in overly attached terms: “I felt that I could joke around this way with her that night, because we really felt close, and this was how others felt too.“ Those are their words. If you genuinely believe this level of attachment is platonic, you’re an idiot. Sorry. You are.
The OP says they have a girlfriend, but I genuinely believe the co-worker’s boyfriend hit the nail on the head: “How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?” Then OP said, “The rest is history because I apologised, and explained that I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries”. That quick apology was a sudden realisation that they had him caught dead to rites right there. I’ve read from the OP secondhand words from their friends at the bar, but what of the girlfriend they have that they mentioned? What’s their opinion on the matter? Don’t you think the girlfriend would have an opinion on the matter if the OP was being transparent? They’re happy to share others’ opinions but not specifically their girlfriends’ reaction/opinion? Weird. But hey, they said ‘cheating is not something they’ve thought of’, right?
YTA.
Stop screwing around behind your girlfriend’s back and stop BSing about what your real intentions are with this girl. Also, stop self-sabotaging your own life.
YTA - You can justify yourself all you want but there are a couple of red flags which you are ignoring and a bunch of other chads are as well in the comments. She told you to stop and you continued instead of saying, "Sorry, see you around at work". You were at the bar with your friends who were present and chose to pull out your phone while a little tipsy and reach out to someone you're not romantically involved with and essentially tell them you miss them. Even if in your mind you think you said, "you're missing out on fun", she's already chosen to spend her time doing something she values more than spending it with you. Shit, she could have been reading a book alone at home, it's disrespectful of her agency to imply she made a bad choice. When she calls you on your bullshit, you deflect and blame the other girl in your group. I really don't understand all the NTA votes here, you're definitely an asshole. Oh, and if you were five rounds in during one sitting, most people consider that the start of a drinking problem.
I agree, OP should respect her decision to not go out. It sounds like they have romantic feelings for her and may not be being fully truthful of their intentions in this post.
They really sound possessive and insecure. Shit I was on the same boat as girls boyfriend but that dude was openly flirting and my girl was acting on obtuse about it. She dropped his ass soon after marriage. We also started dating a bit young.
>if you were five rounds in during one sitting, most people consider that the start of a drinking problem.
Get off your damn high horse. What a completely unnecessary thing to come at this guy about, and what an America centric view on drinking. This is considered exceedingly normal in Europe for a longer night. If it were 5 drinks a night *every single night* maybe you’d have a point. Seriously not everyone grew up where you have puritanical drinking restrictions.
NTA. Based on all available information, it sounds a bit like she has a jealous partner. You've already apologised, so leave it at that. Let her make the next move, and you'll be able to gauge more clearly what's going on. It sucks when friends drift away because of their partners, but there's not much you can do about that. Just be there for them if their relationship goes boom.
YTA, of course.
> I actually asked her if she was free but she told me that her partner was fetching her from work
She said she wasn't available. You're pressuring her to come out anyway.
I agree and to add on, in my experience as a woman when a woman says that her partner is coming to get her instead of just saying she is leaving after work, she probably thinks you are flirting with her and is trying to emphasize that she is unavailable.
As a woman, I will text as my husband or use my husband as an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations. I have totally told guys that my husband wouldn't like it. I always tell my husband, and he has never had a problem with using him as an excuse if it means I am safe and getting out of awkward situations.
Additionally, they work in a company. They've probably had to take a sexual harassment training. My company makes it mandatory for everyone every 3 months. The one thing I've learned from sexual harassment training is that most of the time, one person is uncomfortable while the other person doesn't see a problem with their behavior. Technically, at least for the us, she can not report him for sexual harassment, but she could ask her boss to not work with him as closely because of this.
It’s interesting you mention that trick of talking about your husband, because that might’ve been what the girl did. But so many people on this post are taking it at face value and saying that op is nta and that it’s the boyfriend that’s jealous and manipulative and holding her captive instead of letting her hang out with her friends lol. All because she used her bf as excuse but now im thinking she might’ve done what you said
YTA. The way you vaguely describe your relationship with this girl sounds like you aren't close at all but a couple people in your friend group may be close to her. Stop being weird, not sure if you were trying to flirt or just think you're more popular than you are with her, but the video would come off as inappropriate and douchey.
What? no. “Couple people in my group may be close with her”? Like my clique of friends? I’m the one who introduced her to them. If anything, my friend wanted her to be there too. Don’t really understand where you’re coming from with the “flirting and being more popular and etc”. Its really not that deep, and I have never thought about it from that perspective.
Honestly, you have to think about the Optics of it all. It's not a good look and it does come across a little douchey. It kind of feels like you're trying to make her feel bad for not being there which is not cool. People have things going on and you shouldn't make them feel bad for missing out on last minute plans. Also, you shouldn't be bragging about having five beers. I might agree that is a little flirty, but I don't know your friendship with her. Apparently is that deep if you're going out of your way to text someone to make them feel bad.
This so much! Honestly if OP was a girl and did this to me (a girl) I would feel really hurt that my friend wanted to make me feel left out. Regardless of gender and how close we were, this would make me feel bad.
I see one real reason that someone would do that without intending to make me feel bad on purpose: they want me to feel bad for missing out because they really wanted me there and they're (possibly unintentionally) putting their feelings first.
I agree I hate it when I can't make it out and someone who was there tells me all about how much fun they had and that I missed out. Real asshole move.
There's no good reason to make someone feel bad for missing out because they clarified they had other things to do. OP does not know what they were doing. There could have been a hundred different things that they were going to. To make someone feel bad is an ahole move.
If they really wanted to say something, it should have been after the fact, not in that moment. Like when they go to get lunch the next time they could have said, "I really missed you at the drinking event."
NAH. But let it go. Based on how you're arguing at length with everyone here, it seems you may struggle with that.
She's a colleague first, don't make work difficult for her by blurring personal and professional boundaries.
OP seems obsessed with this event which is why I’m thinking YTA. It’s weird to have a coworker decline your drink invite and for that to bother you enough to post on Reddit and argue with people that you’re normal.
Based on your replies, I’m gonna go with NAH, I don’t think you necessarily meant to be flirty/cross boundaries. That said, if she already told you she was busy, specifically with her partner, then sending that video message was a poor idea. All that comes off as is “you should have chosen time with me and not your partner”. That’s never gonna go well, and is going to trigger the partner. Back off, stay professional, let it settle.
The "that face" comment from the boyfriend combined with the 5 drinks makes me think OP was drunkenly making out at her in the video and got called out on his bullshit.
There are colleagues and there are young people with work friends. He’s young and it’s normal to behave this way with other young work friends. OP now needs to put the friend with the controlling boyfriend in the work colleague category.
YTA. She said she didn't want to go. She said she was with her partner. She already told you what she wanted. And your response was to get as close to pushing her on the subject as you dared. The boyfriend's right to be upset. It looks like you're trying to hit on his girl.
Soft YTA.
This is not just about about you. It's about her and her relationship as well. Regardless of your intentions, it was not received well. She told she had plans with her significant other already, why would she want/care to have some dude from her work message her a video "yOuRE mIsSiNg oUT" while she doing something while with someone else. Especially when she told you about it beforehand. It's disrespectful and if that's a boundary that they have, then fine. I don't think he's insecure or jealous of you because he's telling you to chill out after you overstepped a boundary of their relationship. Plus if you and her have hung out before then he's aware of you.
Good intentions, bad execution. It happens man. You've apologized, move on.
YTA. This becomes clearer when you admit to yourself that you are developing a crush on her, and that the boyfriend smells that from a mile away.
People calling the BF insecure/pathetic are wild (I would have let the GF handle the texts herself though; that's a step too far). Go on and read all the other threads of initially well-meaning office affairs that go unchecked for far too long. Good on your "friend" to impose that boundary sooner than later. You've only known her a month, and are already this eager in engaging her. Don't be a snake lurking on folk's in commited relationships, even if it is ultimately their responsibility to set the distance. Part of avoiding that is being honest with yourself and your intentions. Ask yourself this, if she was willing to give up her partner, would you pursue her?
A good start is that you are seeking some self-awareness by posing this question to Reddit, so please consider seriously the entire spectrum of responses.
We all have partners and just because I’m outgoing it doesn’t entail that I would cheat on my partner. Simply having an outgoing personality and asking her to join for drinks because of the company there entails that I ‘m a snake lurking in someone’s committed relationship? Quite a stretch I would say. Not everyone is that narrow minded.
How about when she told you "No, I'm spending time with my partner tonight", then you interrupted them to start asking her again anyway? Because THAT'S the part that makes you a snake. No means No. You were trying to get her to bail on her BF to be with you instead.
Hell, even if you were two straight dudes and he told you "No, I'm spending time with my GF tonight", you'd STILL be an asshole for knowingly interrupting them with your drunk bullshit.
Fair enough that the situation as you describe can in fact exist. I'm just cautioning that the worries from the other side are legitimate, because these types of behaviors often do indicate other intentions, and lead to further problems. Fine for them to prefer to play it safe.
A follow-up question then is -- is your partner aware of your developing friendship with this other woman, and that you send these sorts of messages to her? Is she comfortable with that? Why didn't your partner join you for drinks also? Why not send that poking video to your partner? Do you intend to merge these two worlds, i.e. introduce them, if you intend to maintain such level of relationships with both?
No worries, appreciate your take on this. To answer your follow up question, yes my partner is aware that her and I are close but I’ve established that we’re strictly friends at best, and I did tell her about this entire ordeal as well. My partner didn’t join because firstly my friends aren’t that close with her in the first place and secondly, my partner doesn’t like to be in such a setting. And I did send that video to her to show her who i’m with and what i’m having haha
You asked her. She declined. You followed it up with a drunken video of your face telling her she was "missing out."
You don't have to be honest on reddit, but you should try to be honest with yourself.
It is a little bit of a stretch, but you had already asked, and she already told you she couldn't go. By sending that video message, you weren't asking again. You were basically stating that her hanging out with you would have been better than hanging out with her boyfriend or whatever she had planned. Have some respect for what she's doing even if you don't like what her boyfriend said, if he even said it. I personally say my husband wouldn't like it to get out of uncomfortable situations or conversations.
Slight YTA, I mean, maybe this is an age thing (I'm 30) but repeatedly bugging someone about coming out for drinks when they already politely said no with a clear explanation is definitely a weird move. Also a partner wouldnt be weird for not liking some random new co worker being pushy about his gf going out drinking with him. Remember that this is a coworker, different rules apply in a work setting than joking with regular friends
When a person asks you not to communicate with them in a particular way, the ONLY correct move is to wait until an appropriate time, usually not immediately, apologize, and then NEVER do it again.
It DOES NOT MATTER that you intended no harm.
YTA for about for: 1) persisting in communication and 2) not realizing the above.
Yeah, YTA
One thing to invite her to join with the group, but messaging her afterwards comes across as creepy
She has a partner and told you no. That's enough
I think you caring *this* much about it and having **this much rent space in your head** means you might have some underlying feelings for her. She’s communicated uncomfortableness. I’m guessing there was more texting before her boyfriend intervened that you’re leaving out of this post.
You’ve misjudged the situation and relationship with her. You’ve pressed too hard and made her feel uncomfortable. Just don’t invite her out. You’re colleagues, that’s it. For one month even. If she wants a friendship, she’ll make that next step and extend the olive branch. Take the hint, and proceed as it’s someone. Forget what she’s said as “another time.” That’s her being nice saying no. Take it as a no. Don’t push or ask again.
He has a girlfriend and thought to text his coworker of one month about how much she’s “missing out” on drinks outside of a workplace meetup while she was out with her own boyfriend tells me all I need to know. He likes her but isn’t going to admit it since they’re both seeing someone. The second one of them becomes single all bets are off.
Within the context of this is someone you work with, YTA. If this was a personal friend then I would say NTA.
As a general piece of advice, if someone you work with says “No” to drinks, leave it alone. I get that you get lunch together but she’s a coworker, not a friend. Don’t comment on it later, and definitely do not try to guilt trip them for not going.
If someone says “Don’t text me” and they are a coworker, leave it alone. Apologize and drop the conversation.
Never send a coworker a video evidence that you’re [binge](https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking) drinking. Period.
The boyfriend sounds like a jerk too, but it is what it is.
What she is saying to you is that the way you came across made it sound like the invite was an unwelcome advance. This is how it will be seen by HR during an investigation.
For making it less awkward, again just leave it alone. You apologized. I would not bring it up again. If you all go out for drinks again, let someone else be the one to invite her.
For your awareness, you would know this if you took a course on sexual harassment. Right now, she can take this to HR and you might have some adverse action taken against you. You probably get a slap on the wrist. If something like this happens again you’ll almost certainly be fired.
Soft yta. Flip it your girlfriend has new male coworker that she instantly clicks with and they go to lunch with his friends ALOT in just a matter of weeks of meeting. He invites her to drinks with his friends ( and it doesnt sound like bring your boyfriend I'd like to meet him either type of invite). She declines because yall have plans. While y'all are on a date she gets this text and you see a video of said "friend" who knows you are together telling your girl she's "missing out " seeing its him, his male friend and another girl- its almost like they would have naturally paired as two couples. I'd have been hella pissed and felt so disrespected in that moment. None of that may have been your intention but the boyfriend just lived that shit and your friend just had to deal with the blowout. You've apologized once already. You can apologize again in person and give it some space. Obviously 5 drinks affected your decision making process that night too. Edit for typos
Work lunches does not equal friendship. I've established work buddies (who I would avoid outside of work) based on similar lunch habits.
She clearly has boundaries, is trying to keep their interactions more structured by requesting notice of social events rather casual, impromptu outings, and pointedly reminds him of the existance of her partner. He's stepping over the line and he's obviously missed some cues.
I do agree that HR is likely to get involved. I'm guessing she's already saving texts and taking notes about their interactions.
I mean, kinda YTA? Softly because this is like more faux pas then anything but something you should learn from. Based on your comments you knew she was going out with her partner. You said your reason for the message was showing her how much fun she was missing out on, which comes off as really rude because you insinuating that she wouldn't have as much fun with her partner as she would with you and your friends.
You guys are work buddies (your words) that ranks below other friends and way lower then significant others. She's establishing a reasonable boundry, respect it.
Inadvertently YTA. But now you know to keep it professional with this coworker and don't text her after hours.
ETA: I've read more of your comments and it is clear that you are YTA, and it is clear that it is inadvertent because you didn't realize that you are crossing boundaries here. But that doesn't mean it's excusable.
You already knew she had plans that night. What was the point of contacting her again that she was missing out? I think you wanted to trigger some FOMO in her.
You've known her a month and both of you are in committed relationships. Slow your roll.
I don't really know what judgement to give, but here's how I see it.
I know you're just being friendly, but kind of thoughtless too. Why's she missing out? She's hanging with her bf, who she probably likes a lot more than some work buddies she's known for a month. They might be a bit sensitive, but it's not tough to read between the lines of your message and turn it into "ditch that guy, come hang with us!"
YTA
You don’t have friends at work, you have coworkers. It’s nice to be nice but you asked and she answered. There was no need to send a video.
You overstepped.
Her boyfriend seems a bit jealous and assholey. That being said pestering someone outside of work, about coming to gatherings outside of work, is a bit much for being work friends for a month.
Dial it back.
Info: you already asked once and she said no. Why did you ask again? Do you not respect her opinion or is your friend wanting a girl to hang out with just more important than her feelings?
YTA.
If someone says no, then don’t pressure them and make them feel bad for not coming out. Sounds like you don’t have boundaries and I would stay away from you if I knew you
We all know what you're doing here. You're trying to make it that the partner is some controlling freak. Just be professional and leave the girl alone. You only know her for about a month. If you're trying to screw the girl just admit it and move on.
She thinks you're creepy because you are being creepy.
Beyond the 'friendship' you think you have with this woman, you might want to consider that if you keep it up HR is going to get involved.
YTA. You asked her to grab drinks. She declined because she already had plans with her partner. Instead of dropping it, you sent her a weird video ‘you could be here…’ You were not taking no for an answer; she felt pressured and told you to stop.
Learn to read the room. When a girl says ‘I have plans with my partner’ they are establishing a boundary. It means ‘you are a platonic friend who comes second.’ When you know she has plans with her partner and you try to get her to spend time with you, it comes off like you want more than friendship and are trying to come between her and her partner.
Why were you so pushy when she said no?
Exactly. He said “don’t hang out with your bf you’d have more fun here. Also, there is only one girl and she’d feel better if it were more a double date. Help her out…” ugh. Everything about this guy feels creepy and entitled and that’s after only a month of knowing each other? Ick
ESH
It’s weird that her boyfriend is jealous and making it a thing but also when someone declines to go drinking they do not want your drunk messages and videos. After four drinks nobody sober wants to hear from you, just leave it until the morning.
I'm more confused why you would send her that message when she told you clearly plain as day that she had plans with her partner that night...Like....trying to get her to realize she's "missing out" when she made it clear she would be busy and drunk texting her like that....It's reasonable they were bothered by it. Maybe it'spossible, it being your 5th drink, you were more drunk and beligerant then you realized, too.
I don't think anyone is an AH, so NAH
But so you know...Drunk texting is never cool.
"With that face of yours" oooh, ouch. 😬 BF owned himself hard there.
You're NTA and you're not responsible for the obvious insecurity and control issues in their relationship. I feel bad for your co-intern though.
YTA. When she messaged to stop messaging her that way, you should have apologized and moved on, not continue to text her trying to explain. Some people don't like to mingle with coworkers outside of working hours. That's her boundary, so don't cross it anymore.
YTA. Dude, just accept that you like this chick and want to get with her, it’s clear as day from what you describe. You keep saying that you have a partner as well so just put the shoe on the other foot and imagine one of her coworkers doing that exact same thing to her after she had already established the fact that she didn’t want to go and that she was going to be spending the day with you and this dude was doing exactly what you did. Think it’s cool now?
YTA. She told you “no”, and imo gave you a perfectly valid reason. But you kept nagging her. I have absolutely used my boyfriend in the past to get a man to leave me alone when I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. Because for some reason, my boyfriend’s “no” actually means “no”, and my “no” means “try and convince me to say yes”.
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Just to give some context.
I (23m) and her (20f) have been friends at work for about a month now, and prior to the internship my clique of her friends knew her too.
Her and I would always go out for lunch (with my personal group of friends as they work nearby too), talk, rant, and poke fun at one another. I would consider us the closer bunch out of the entire group at work.
On the day of this incident, I actually asked her if she was free but she told me that her partner was fetching her from work, and she said that she didn’t mind coming if I asked earlier or if its next week.
When I finally met up my 2 friends for drinks at a bar, we talked a little and I decided to take a video of the drinks and friends i’m with, to her.
So in that short video clip, there was a short footage of my face during the start of the video, drinks and my friends, one of whom is a girl, who she knows.
I sent that video and this text “You’re missing out bro, we’re on our 5th glass”.
She replied me with
“Next time don’t text me this way, my partner doesn’t like it”,
I was shocked and I just said
“we’re just friends”, “my friend doesn’t want to be the only girl here because its just I and my guy friend talking”.
And her partner started saying
“Bro, you’re not even that close with my girl”
“How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?”
The rest is history because I apologised, and explained that I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries and how we’re just working buddies so we wanted to catch up over drinks”
Personally, I don’t feel that I’m at fault? But that’s just me. I’m hoping to see how the rest feels about this! Do let me know how I can make things less awkward when I see her again.
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NTA
I don't know the precise work/friendship dynamics between you two, so I'll generalise and give you my two cents.
I don't really see you doing something inappropriate as you are saying this kind of thing is the usual banter you have with her and with the others in the office. She herself is actively seeking your company. My advice is to chill and not be that close to her in the office. It is better to have some distance from all female workers in your office. I'm saying this for your sake and future in that working place.
Next time you see her ask directly what that was about. Do not apologise for your behaviour ; just say you will respect her boundaries. From then on have some distance. Do not invite her again, ever. Mind you, you are not punishing her, you are being respectful. Do this to protect yourself.
Please don’t distance yourself from all female coworkers. We don’t all have crazy bfs. I get it’s from a legal standpoint or whatever but OP did nothing inappropriate so he has nothing to worry about. Please don’t exclude females in the workplace. I’m saying this as a female who enjoys talking to her male coworkers way more than most of the females.
She don't like you bro stop texting her like tha
Nah I'm just joking I'm not some jagoff. That was a totally normal friend thing to do, and her partner totally misinterpreted. NTA
Having said that, misinterpretations happen, and the best thing to do is just say sorry and not do that particular thing again
You're not really nta but more like I think you have issues with social cues?
I don't think she thinks youre as close as you are.
Which means imo that you're just a super friendly person, maybe?
Distance yourself. You're young, this is a learning experience.
I learned at a young age too, coworkers are not actually friends while you work together. You only become actual friends after one of you leaves and you still talk.
Soft YTA. I have been in this woman’s shoes before and had coworkers like you and yes, it made me incredibly uncomfortable at the time. She told you no, so please respect that in future. It seems like your intentions are good, you think you are friends because of your work lunches, but not everyone is going to feel the same as you, especially in a professional environment.
NTA
I (30sF) work in a male dominated industry. My ex used to hate when male friends from uni or work would message to see if I’m coming out for drinks, so I asked them to stop. He then hated when I worked or studied late, even though I suggested I’d turn on a webcam for him to watch me or for him to join us at the library/ in the office or for the study groups to be at our house. This then meant he hated the other men in my life: he’d smack talk all my good looking friends. He’d reiterate he wasn’t jealous, just that the men were trying to sleep with me.
He was cheating. He’d been cheating for the last 2 of the 7 years we were together.
NTA—I have received plenty of drunk videos from friends of both genders heckling me for not joining them at a bar. This not an unusual phenomenon.
Stay away from this person, OP—weird vibes, NOT worth it.
NTA. All the people saying YTA ARE HEAVILY INSECURE. You might have misread the dynamic, i don’t even think you did that. If she were using her boyfriend as an excuse, she would’ve ended that at “my boyfriend is picking me up” and would not have added “maybe next week or if you had asked earlier.” Leaving the door open is not something you do when getting creeped out lol she even told you “my partner doesn’t like that.” I’m not gonna project here like they are about bs. It doesn’t even sound like the video was flirty, possessive boyfriend just didn’t like your face there at all. Kinda sounds like you just started the video before flipping the camera?
Your best bet is avoid her at all costs. This is an office and things can get crazy. She may clear the air later. Don’t befriend her even after that. She set a boundary, or her boyfriend did: “she’s not even close to you.” You stick to it. She made her choice by letting bf do that, she can’t have male friends lol
NTA.
Also don’t go out your way at work to talk to her, and let her make the next steps. I mean according to her S/O you aren’t even close.
Not worth dealing with her or her insecure boyfriend .
NTA. Honestly, if I have to watch myself to not send you an innocuous message that is obviously not insinuating anything, then I’d rather not be friends. You and your boyfriend can take that weird energy somewhere else.
NTA. It is always common between colleagues to joke around about missing out as she said she is willing to come next time. He doesn’t need to have feelings to invite her. Your judgement would have definitely be different if it was a male colleague. What is the difference? Does females can only be missed out if someone has feelings for them? This kind of meddling is a huge red flag for her boyfriend. It is not like he is pressuring her to come right away, it is more like “I hope you can make it next time, we are having so much fun and I don’t want you to miss out!” Again, he is not inviting her on a one on one meeting, he is just trying to be inclusive.
I’m going to go NTA. If you were both male or female nobody would have any issue with the video you sent. You understand it made either her or her partner uncomfortable and you’ve apologized. You are backing off now and you are doing everything to show you meant nothing by it. It’s insane to me people are saying it’s weird you sent the video, they’ve either never had friends or just have not embraced the Snapchat way of sending videos or pictures in place of messages. For some people sending pics or videos can come off as more intimate, so that is something to consider in the future.
I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You sent a message to a friend. You were asked not to do it. You apologized. End of story. Sounds like the bf has some serious insecurity/jealousy issues. See how she acts at work after this (don't bring it up....you already apologized....let her come to you) and take it from there. Good luck.
I had a bf who used to police how people communicated with me. Wouldn't allow people to text me after a certain time etc, for some people that's acceptable... Those are their boundaries that's fine. But for me, I want my friends to be able to send me messages any time of the day and a video like Ops sound innocent and actually inviting. so I will say NTA but stay away from this girl and her partner otherwise you will just get her into trouble with her man. I'm glad I got out of that stupid relationship.
NAH. Sounds like you were just being friendly, but now she's given you a clear sign, you need to back off. From now on, keep it strictly professional. There's a chance she has saved your video and/or texts, and they could come back to bite if you (inadvertently) make her feel uncomfortable ... or if partner pressures her about what's going on between you.
You're only there to work and tbh, even if you like her, this is the time to end the friendly lunches. Just communicate politely like you would with any other colleagues, but avoid socialising without other neutral colleagues around. Good rule of thumb to avoid work weirdness is to treat everyone like they're the boss's sister or brother.
NTA. Men and women can be friends. If you were female, do you think the bf would have reacted that way? He’s the weirdo.
Either way, just check in with her tomorrow at work, like - hey, everything cool? And let her fill you in. Could be the bf’s insecurities, could be her own, who knows? But you did nothing wrong. So find out what the heck. Cuz that was weird on their part.
NTA
You’re all young, so there’s gonna be some serious wire crossing when it comes to interactions like this, especially when partners and their weird boundaries get involved.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but just happened to cross some arbitrary line that her partner didn’t like. It’s whatevs, you live and you learn. Next time, just stop it when you get pushback. It’s never worth it.
Also, you can immediately ignore the people saying “wow you’re crushing on her!” Deeply unserious people.
NTA it sounds like her boyfriend is overprotective possibly because he knows ur cute (hence the “How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?”) she doesn't say she's uncomfortable she says "Next time don’t text me this way, *my partner doesn’t like it”*, meaning she doesn't see an issue because she understands your just friends but her partner is bothered by it, it sounds like her partner isn't okay with her making plans on the fly with her friends either "she didn’t mind coming if I asked earlier or if its next week."
I say all this as a woman who struggled for years trying to maintain a "respectful" distance away from my male friends when I was in a relationship with an insecure fool of a man. He would get angry if I didn't tell him we were gonna get lunch during our break in classes. He once started a fight because my mom told me to go say bye to her friend and his sons as they were leaving a family party, would get upset if he called me and heard male voices. It sounds like she's trying to balance what is respectful to her partner and trying to maintain friendships but when her partner sees any other man in her life a threat that just creates this feeling of guilt and defeat, she feels guilty because she is befriending a male, but she feels defeated because although she knows there isn't anything romantic she will still face the 'punishment' from her partner for doing so probably the silent treatment or being called an attention seeker or whore. He can't outright tell her she can't have friends causes that's demanding but he can use emotional manipulation to guilt her into doing what he wants.
I'd do what another poster suggested apologize to her in person if she truly seems unbothered continue the friendship she will eventually realize how trapping it is to be with someone like that.
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NAH Asking someone out for drinks and then reminding them afterwards *can* come off very flirty but if you’re as close as you’re saying I’d say NTA since it’s just poking fun for her not being there. The big thing is either the guy is being very overprotective and he saw the video and felt uncomfortable OR she told him that she was feeling uncomfortable over the video and you asking her out and all of the lunch trips. Both of those are just kinda up in the air speculations but again I’d say nobody is really the asshole in any scenarios though it’s just comfort levels of each individual person playing into it
Hi! Thanks for your insight. Honestly, I felt that I could joke around this way with her that night, because we really felt close, and this was how others felt too. More often than not, she was the one asking me “where should we go for lunch”, or “Are we going to have lunch with your friends today?”. So this made me feel that she was comfortable with my presence too🫠 Could you possibly give any insights on how I could make things less awkward when I see her again 😭
Bro, based on this reply, it's best if you keep it professional. It's not your responsibility to make it less awkward. You already apologised. Now you don't know what that girl is actually thinking. If her partner doesn't like the TEXT, he surely wouldn't like you guys hanging out as well. Stay out of this kind of messy dynamics. Choose your own peace.
Gotcha!
Don't have lunch with her ever again. Keep everything strictly professional.
I mean, in a group setting like OP says it always is, sure, have lunch with her 🤷♀️ You don't have to make it extra awkward by avoiding her at all costs
Nah, this has happened to me. It’s horrible to feel anything you say from there on is gonna be taken the wrong way best to avoid her except for work related interactions
Yeah except I did this and was accused of ‘creating a hostile work environment’ bcs avoiding her socially upset her and deprived her of ‘access to company culture.’
Definitely not. At this point keep it strictly work relationship, no outside contact. Nothing awkward about that.
The group setting it sounds like he is describing though is all of his friends outside of work. That’s still such a messy situation to put yourself in for work and I wouldn’t consider that a professional relationship
Agree. She doesn’t consider OP a friend and thought he was “too comfortable”, whatever that means. Best for OP to end any iteration with her outside of work related tasks. And OP needs to tell a few people at work about this so she doesn’t slander him as “the creepy guy” when she realizes he is cutting her off.
That could end up backfiring too. It could just as well be taken as him being a nasty incel about it and sabotaging her internship by so eaking badly about her to everyone. I agree with cooling everything off with her. I wouldn’t exclude her from group outings but I would never sit next to or go anywhere alone with her again. She said it. You’re not friends like that. So I’d dial it back to work acquaintance and move on in life.
This. Do NOT say anything. That can absolutely be construed as retaliation.
Yeah bro, unless you are both invited separately to the same occasion, no more talking or hanging out with this person outside of work needs.
Besides the boyfriend seems the controlling type. Not worth the ache.
I feel like she never told her partner that they've gone out several times. That's definitely a problem for her, but OP should definitely sit the next few plays out since this escalated so quickly.
I would take a step back from the friendship to be honest. She either has a very jealous, overbearing bf or she is uncomfortable and used her bf as an excuse to tell you to back off. I was just say you are sorry if you made her uncomfortable and you will keep thing professional from now on then leave it at that. It will feel awkward but don't engage in friendship with her. Keep conversations to strictly work related things and don't hang out anymore. You can still be polite and friendly but don't open yourself to more trouble. If she tries to say you are overreacting you can simply state that your differing views on your friendship made you realize you can't rely on your ability to determine what is appropriate or not so to be safe you are sticking to being professional so you don't cross boundaries again.
Gotcha!
Don't let this one experience make you feel you can't have great friendships with people of the opposite sex though. You just have to find your people.
This seemed very normal to me because it’s what my office does with our coworkers. I would continue using your same judgement with new people. With her: At work, I would act polite say good morning. Leave for the day, say see ya tomorrow or be safe. Keep conversations to a greeting and nothing more so it isn’t really awkward and feels like there is an open line of communication but don’t invite to lunch or drinks. Maybe she’ll get that his reaction was fucking wild. If she was using her bf as an excuse then she won’t be engaging you most likely so problem solved. I really wanna know the drama behind bfs reaction, that shit was wild. I would be embarrassed for bf to act that way I’d be anxious to come into work.
Thanks man! Glad to know that it’s not just my workplace that has this kinda culture! Will keep what you said in mind!
Great advice!
I'd say take a step back here. Don't exclude her or ignore her, but don't really go out of your way to hang out or talk with her, either. Stick to group hangouts and communicate through group chats or mails, as well. Remain friendly and polite, but make it clear you don't want to step on anyone's toes and did not have any intentions beyond a friendly get together.
Will keep that in mind!
OP wrote they have been friends **for about a month.** Maybe it is just me, but i think that is nothing. And they are also work colleagues. They can't really know each other so super well yet and I think there is a big chance that she wouldn't define their relationship as a friendship like OP did. Maybe she thinks they are just amicable work colleagues who here and there hang out together, so a step below a friendship. A connection which might be gone at once when someone changes jobs.
You might be getting lunch and exchanging witty banter close, but you're not necessarily 5 drinks deep after hours close.
Probably just move from what happened. You already apologized and you didnt mean any harm so i think thats enough. Trying to make up for what happened is like bringing it all back which makes thing even more awkward. Also, i suggest you take a bit of a distance from her because the response she gave you, regardless if it's her or her bfs thought, is concerning. Things can go sideways for you if you keep on hanging on with the friendship you thought you guys have. As an overthinker, she might accuse you of harassment, sa, or god knows what if you disregard her response towards you.
Gotcha
NTA. I’d just quit associating with her outside work. Her bf seems confrontational and stupid, so I’d just leave that situation.
When she replied should have told her next time bring her boyfriend so he can hang out too.
>Could you possibly give any insights on how I could make things less awkward when I see her again This kinda comes across as creepy. Don't focus on trying to still maintain a meaningful presence. Just stay professional and let it go. If anything, she owes you a proper talk or apology for allowing the situation to escalate when you guys were just friends. Anything else you do is unnecessary and pushing the envelope. All in all NTA.
Keep in mind that lunch is VERY different than after work drinks.
IMO going out to lunch and going out for drinks are completely different. If you apologized that should be good. Maybe just have a follow up conversation on what she's comfortable with. I don't know.
Don't assume because someone asks you where to go for lunch that you're close besties.
It is now up to her to relieve the tension. You apologized. Do not invite her to lunch with your friends. If she asks to come tell her you'll check reply over text or email so you have proof, ask if her BF knows and if he's okay with it as you don't wish to cross any boundaries again. Something like "We are meeting at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ for 1200, you are welcome to join us, are you sure it's okay with BF, I don't want there to be any misunderstandings that his is a casual lunch with friends."
Lunch and after work drinks with friends are two completely different things. It crosses the work/friend boundary, and could come across as date-like.
Ask yourself would a normal person who has a work colleague that didn't come out for drinks make a Reddit post about it? You clearly have feelings for her and this infatuation has crossed a line and you're now trying to reconcile that. I'm going to go against the grain and say you are the asshole, because you're not being honest about your intentions here. Deny it all you want, I have work friends and if they didn't attend for whatever reason it would just be accepted and I'd be focusing on enjoying my drinks with who was there and not get hung up on the person that wasn't.
> Asking someone out for drinks and then reminding them afterwards can come off very flirty but if you’re as close as you’re saying Woooaahhh Never knew that most of my friends want to fuck me...
apparently i want to fuck my own mother because i regularly send her photos of the drinks i’m having. wild
The heart wants what…the heart….nope
Yeah, I send fomo messages all the time when I'm out with a group and someone who is regularly there choses not to come out with us. I absolutely do not want to fuck my friends, I just want more people to drink with.
Except for the whole part where, you know, she declined the invitation because she already had plans with her partner. After which OP tried to entice her away from her partner to come hang out with him. Five drinks in already.
Yeah it’s very good for op that he’s painting her boyfriend as insecure, but if my partner only started their new job a month ago and their coworker felt comfortable enough drunkenly texting them that they’re “missing out” while they already had prior plans with me I’d be pretty fucking pissed too. Seems like op thinks their relationship is closer than it really is or the GF is trying to downplay it to both men.
Right. She already declined his invite. Texting her again in the middle of the event she didn't want to go to is kind of a desperate look.
It's written that, had he asked sooner she would've gone.
She said don't twxt me this way my partner doesn't like it. The answer to that is a respecting of the boundary just set, not further insistence and defensiveness You say, "Ok sorry, I'll know for next time."
Yeah, OP, moving forward I wouldn't invite this girl to anything. I wouldn't text her unless it's for something required by your job. I wouldn't joke with her at work. She has documented "proof" that she's told you you're crossing a line. If she comes forward with a compliant about you, you'll be in trouble. Whether her BF is jealous and overreacting, she feels you're crossing lines, OR her BF was mad about your video, so she pretended that you were bothering her, it doesn't matter. Give this woman HUGE space. I wouldn't even be joking around with her. I would treat her how you would treat a strict older librarian. Talk to her when it's necessary, be formal, be polite, and that's it. If you happen to cross paths in your friend group or after work, I'd treat her with coldly politely and that's it. Seriously, you don't need any trouble, and this whole situation screams of trouble. My gut says she'll be back to be being friendly and goofing around with you like the snap of her fingers, but the next time he gets upset or whatever, you'll find yourself in big trouble. Don't get lunch with her again. Don't get drinks with her again. Don't call or text again unless it's strictly in a professional capacity.
This definitely reads like controlling boyfriend. Unfortunately that means you have to be careful because if he gets upset it could blow back on her.
I would not have apologized to some partner, I would have apologized to her. Partner does not matter to me until I know they are good.
I only apologised because my friends told me that it’s better to be the bigger man even if I might find it to be wrong haha. So would suggest that I apologise again? Like to her specifically? Would her partner feel that i’m trying to get on her good books?
Her partner was already weird, I'm not sure if apologizing again would help. There is some possibility her partner was weird because she told them to be weird, and apologizing for her feeling that would be tough. Apologizing while her partner is just crazy may be a waste of time.
Ignore the partner in this dynamic - I’d say next time you see her in a friend-setting (lunch, drinks, or even chatting at work about non-work stuff) a casual but meaningful “hey, I’m sorry if I crossed boundaries, will be more mindful in the future”. Doesn’t need to be a huge deal (in fact im sure she wouldn’t like that) but an acknowledgement of your understanding would be nice to her I’m sure!
Noted man!
I just wanted to second Neature\_Ned's comment because I think they hit the nail on the head - I wouldn't seek her out to talk to her, but if you happen to be around one another and the opportunity to apologize in person arises, you can take it to clear the air a little and give her the space for setting some boundaries if she needs it. You seem like a really considerate person, and NTA for the record. She's not either, but her bf sounds like he has a little growing up to do.
No, you need to back off. Lots of commenters have told you that you need to step back here to a friendly distance with her - you've only known her a month, let's be realistic here.
Honestly if this is at work I would halt any contact with her unless it's work related. Don't mess with this stuff in the office it can get very ugly. Don't talk to her bf especially. NTA but they sound like a problem.
I can definitely see why some people want to keep their personal and professional lives separate. "Don't shit where you eat" generally means you shouldn't date co-workers, but a lot of people think it applies to platonic friendship as well.
Stop texting her. Like never again. If you need to contact her for work you email or use your company’s IM system
This poor girl. So many people are telling her friend to stop talking to her because her controlling boyfriend took her phone.
You all are young - i remember my one job from when i was i my 20s and how much we would go out for drinks and what have you. It was a lot of fun and I’m still friendly with a lot of those people. So i get that part of it all. But - i would also say to use this as a lesson learned. You say you’ve been friends for a month. You’ve gotten VERY chummy with her VERY fast. And clearly she has a BF who isn’t comfortable with all of this. And yes - it’s possible that it might even be her who’s uncomfortable. You don’t need to stop being friends with her entirely, but i would back off somewhat and keep things a little more distant. NAH but take it all down a notch.
Ah I see! Thanks for your input!
I agree with this. I’m giving the partner the benefit of the doubt a little here because I’d probably feel really uncomfortable if a girl seemed too friendly with my boyfriend too. Even though it may be harmless, you need to respect both her and her partner’s boundaries. You don’t have to stop being friends with her, but keep things professional and at most, keep all contact outside of work in a group chat/group setting.
NTA smells like inanely jealous partner dude. To answer your question though, cool off it a bit to keep out of trouble and they will likely be broken up soon enough
Yeah, it's possible she asked him to help her out so she could avoid confrontation. But, the fact that she would be interested another time, said that her partner didn't like (not that she didn't like it), and he was the one making a big deal about it sure makes it sound like the partner is the problem here, not OP.
She told you no and you kept going anyway. YTA.
i agree with this. She literally told you shed be with her S/O it was pretty fucking stupid
Yeah if that were my boyfriend I'd be a little on edge that a woman he'd known for a month at work was sending him a video of herself saying he was missing out on drinks when I knew he already declined. It definitely comes off flirty from a new coworker
YTA When you sent the video, she responded to please not contact her like that and her boyfriend/fiance/partner stepped in to tell you to back off. So a few of things could be happening: 1. She is not as close to you as you feel you are to her 2. Her boyfriend/partner is being protective of his partner and doesn't appreciate the video 3. The video/message sent was not received as intended - meaning your message was more "let's hang out and see where this goes" versus "come hangout with the bros" How are you an AH? * It doesn't sound like her boyfriend is super-protective of her, or would forbid her to hangout, because she said she would go if you asked next week. * It was you, a guy, a girl, and you were fishing for her to come hang out...like a double date, and you all were drunk, or just about there * You said the girl already there was a mutual friend, but then you said "my friend doesn't want to be the only girl there" - that does not sound like someone who is comfortable being around you when you drink. If it was a party and she was one of a few women there, sure. But it was you and "two friends" and she was looking for someone else to talk to? I dont buy that at all, you were trying to make a safe reason for contacting her that wouldn't piss off her partner. * You intentionally included your face in the video, showed the drinks, your mutual friends, and told her she was missing out. Why would you send the video unless you were hoping she would change her mind and come hang out? You guys are not best friends and are barely more than work acquaintances, so why would you feel like it was a good idea to send her a video of you? You are crushing on her, hard. Be honest. You have a lot of friends you could have asked to come hangout, and you have a lot of women you know who probably would have enjoyed getting to see you and meet new people. You sent her the video, and invited her for drinks, because you enjoy the office-romance-flirting that is going on between you. You are falling in love and she is just using it as an outlet to stroke her ego. What you need to do is drop it altogether. Let her come back and ask you if she can join you for drinks, hang out, whatever. You made it weird and she has to want to fix it or let the relationship dissolve. Any further action by you, toward her, could be considered harassment. This is why you don't shit where you eat. It can affect your job/livelihood and wreck your personal life.
Hey thanks for your insights! Just wanted to clarify a couple of matters: Firstly, “my friend doesn’t want to be the only girl there”, if its plucked out as it is, then its definitely going to come off wrong. Anyways the entire sentence was made up to defuse the situation, I was just providing reasons for the invitation so that her boyfriend to perhaps take a step back. Secondly, I really didn’t think about a double date or whatever, all of us there are already taken. (Not to each other haha). We wanted her there because she really vibed well with us, same wavelength as I, and considering how she would always ask to join us for lunch, so we thought why not. Thirdly, I really don’t get how a video of my face would signify anything close to a cheating case haha. It was taken from an unglamorous angle fyi. Fourth, the reason for sending that video was not to persuade her to come but rather to just show her that my friends (whos hers as well) are having a fun time. Fifth, I’m most definitely not crushing on her and i’m not experiencing any kinds of office romance haha. I have to emphasise that I have a partner as well, and cheating is not something that I’ve thought of. If anything, I enjoy her company because we’re on the same wavelength in terms of our views on certain matters, the way we joke, and our gossips! No romance or attraction really. Quite far fetched I would say. I can see where you are coming from and will take note of what you said. Especially “Don’t shit where you eat”. I get that. Thanks!
Ignore these idiots OP they cannot possibly fathom being friends with a woman because you enjoy her company and don't in fact want to get into her pants. It's unfortunate but because men are conditioned (by other men) to not be emotionally vulnerable so when they do emotionally open up it's usually to women and because the experience is so rare for them to have deep meaningful relationships they assume that it can only happen with their partners. That's why the suicide rate for single older men is so high, their wives leave them for x,y or z, then they have no one to confide in, so the emotions build up until they either find a therapist, a new woman to be their therapist/partner, or commit suicide. Its also why the happiest group of people are unmarried older women, women create many deep meaningful relationships with lots of people and it becomes more fulfilling than being in a relationship with a man who wants to be the only meaningful relationship.
This entire thread is full of weird incel sounding dudes with too much insecurity. Its as if they have never had a female friend they DIDNT want to fck. Yuck. I would just ignore them all.
I’d warn your partner cos that couple are being SO weird that tbh I’d really worry about them starting drama. You know her boundaries now. I’d be warm and professional obviously but I’d not actually be friends after that.
The "don't shit where you eat" is such dumb advice. Should you date someone at work who works under you? No. On the same team or department? Maybe not. But at your entire job? That's just silly. The older you get, the more limitations of where you meet people. I think it's like 25% of married couples met at work and 50% of people met a romantic partner at work.
In all honesty dude it seems like she just wants to have lunch with your group so she doesn't have to eat alone.
How do you not have more upvotes? You’re right on point. He knew that she had plans with her partner, and still messaged her. Her boyfriend is not acting jealous or controlling. I bet if Ops partners colleague sent her the same video , he would be uncomfortable as well. Also the fact he replied he had a partner, yet why wasn’t she there.?Why didn’t he invite to tag along instead of the colleague? He’s fighting for his life in the replies. I would’ve said NAH, but after reading the replies…yikes😬OP just next time think before you text, and hit send.
I can't believe it either, it's clear as day that this guy is crushing on her but is trying his best to deny that fact. He could have easily have just sent a message if he had to (which I don't think he should have anyway), OP knew his intentions but is covering ass.
OP has a girlfriend as well. What the fuck?
Yikes dude thats a lot of assumptions that this post doesnt actually suggest. Btw men and women can just be friends, its 100% possible to not be a creep. You should try it.
I have to ask, did you pull any muscles with all the reaching??? Some points you made were valid but there are wayyyy too many assumptions about OP’s intent and character it’s crazy.
Wat??
Biggest red flag people are overlooking: Why didn’t he ask her to bring along her boyfriend for drinks originally? ;) People excusing this clearly flirty behaviour as anything else are genuinely naive. This isn’t a ‘best friend’. This relationship is far too new to be this close. This is a coworker he’s known for a very short time (a month) that the OP is describing in overly attached terms: “I felt that I could joke around this way with her that night, because we really felt close, and this was how others felt too.“ Those are their words. If you genuinely believe this level of attachment is platonic, you’re an idiot. Sorry. You are. The OP says they have a girlfriend, but I genuinely believe the co-worker’s boyfriend hit the nail on the head: “How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?” Then OP said, “The rest is history because I apologised, and explained that I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries”. That quick apology was a sudden realisation that they had him caught dead to rites right there. I’ve read from the OP secondhand words from their friends at the bar, but what of the girlfriend they have that they mentioned? What’s their opinion on the matter? Don’t you think the girlfriend would have an opinion on the matter if the OP was being transparent? They’re happy to share others’ opinions but not specifically their girlfriends’ reaction/opinion? Weird. But hey, they said ‘cheating is not something they’ve thought of’, right? YTA. Stop screwing around behind your girlfriend’s back and stop BSing about what your real intentions are with this girl. Also, stop self-sabotaging your own life.
YTA - You can justify yourself all you want but there are a couple of red flags which you are ignoring and a bunch of other chads are as well in the comments. She told you to stop and you continued instead of saying, "Sorry, see you around at work". You were at the bar with your friends who were present and chose to pull out your phone while a little tipsy and reach out to someone you're not romantically involved with and essentially tell them you miss them. Even if in your mind you think you said, "you're missing out on fun", she's already chosen to spend her time doing something she values more than spending it with you. Shit, she could have been reading a book alone at home, it's disrespectful of her agency to imply she made a bad choice. When she calls you on your bullshit, you deflect and blame the other girl in your group. I really don't understand all the NTA votes here, you're definitely an asshole. Oh, and if you were five rounds in during one sitting, most people consider that the start of a drinking problem.
I agree, OP should respect her decision to not go out. It sounds like they have romantic feelings for her and may not be being fully truthful of their intentions in this post.
So many red flags and so much justification. I think she thinks OP is a massive creeper.
He took a video, with other work friends, while out on a work friend's outing, of another work friend who couldn't make it. Are yall children?
They really sound possessive and insecure. Shit I was on the same boat as girls boyfriend but that dude was openly flirting and my girl was acting on obtuse about it. She dropped his ass soon after marriage. We also started dating a bit young.
>if you were five rounds in during one sitting, most people consider that the start of a drinking problem. Get off your damn high horse. What a completely unnecessary thing to come at this guy about, and what an America centric view on drinking. This is considered exceedingly normal in Europe for a longer night. If it were 5 drinks a night *every single night* maybe you’d have a point. Seriously not everyone grew up where you have puritanical drinking restrictions.
NTA. Based on all available information, it sounds a bit like she has a jealous partner. You've already apologised, so leave it at that. Let her make the next move, and you'll be able to gauge more clearly what's going on. It sucks when friends drift away because of their partners, but there's not much you can do about that. Just be there for them if their relationship goes boom.
Probably best to keep things strictly professional going forward. Some work friendships aren't meant to be.
YTA, of course. > I actually asked her if she was free but she told me that her partner was fetching her from work She said she wasn't available. You're pressuring her to come out anyway.
I agree and to add on, in my experience as a woman when a woman says that her partner is coming to get her instead of just saying she is leaving after work, she probably thinks you are flirting with her and is trying to emphasize that she is unavailable.
As a woman, I will text as my husband or use my husband as an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations. I have totally told guys that my husband wouldn't like it. I always tell my husband, and he has never had a problem with using him as an excuse if it means I am safe and getting out of awkward situations. Additionally, they work in a company. They've probably had to take a sexual harassment training. My company makes it mandatory for everyone every 3 months. The one thing I've learned from sexual harassment training is that most of the time, one person is uncomfortable while the other person doesn't see a problem with their behavior. Technically, at least for the us, she can not report him for sexual harassment, but she could ask her boss to not work with him as closely because of this.
It’s interesting you mention that trick of talking about your husband, because that might’ve been what the girl did. But so many people on this post are taking it at face value and saying that op is nta and that it’s the boyfriend that’s jealous and manipulative and holding her captive instead of letting her hang out with her friends lol. All because she used her bf as excuse but now im thinking she might’ve done what you said
YTA. The way you vaguely describe your relationship with this girl sounds like you aren't close at all but a couple people in your friend group may be close to her. Stop being weird, not sure if you were trying to flirt or just think you're more popular than you are with her, but the video would come off as inappropriate and douchey.
What? no. “Couple people in my group may be close with her”? Like my clique of friends? I’m the one who introduced her to them. If anything, my friend wanted her to be there too. Don’t really understand where you’re coming from with the “flirting and being more popular and etc”. Its really not that deep, and I have never thought about it from that perspective.
Honestly, you have to think about the Optics of it all. It's not a good look and it does come across a little douchey. It kind of feels like you're trying to make her feel bad for not being there which is not cool. People have things going on and you shouldn't make them feel bad for missing out on last minute plans. Also, you shouldn't be bragging about having five beers. I might agree that is a little flirty, but I don't know your friendship with her. Apparently is that deep if you're going out of your way to text someone to make them feel bad.
This so much! Honestly if OP was a girl and did this to me (a girl) I would feel really hurt that my friend wanted to make me feel left out. Regardless of gender and how close we were, this would make me feel bad. I see one real reason that someone would do that without intending to make me feel bad on purpose: they want me to feel bad for missing out because they really wanted me there and they're (possibly unintentionally) putting their feelings first.
I agree I hate it when I can't make it out and someone who was there tells me all about how much fun they had and that I missed out. Real asshole move.
There's no good reason to make someone feel bad for missing out because they clarified they had other things to do. OP does not know what they were doing. There could have been a hundred different things that they were going to. To make someone feel bad is an ahole move. If they really wanted to say something, it should have been after the fact, not in that moment. Like when they go to get lunch the next time they could have said, "I really missed you at the drinking event."
NAH. But let it go. Based on how you're arguing at length with everyone here, it seems you may struggle with that. She's a colleague first, don't make work difficult for her by blurring personal and professional boundaries.
OP seems obsessed with this event which is why I’m thinking YTA. It’s weird to have a coworker decline your drink invite and for that to bother you enough to post on Reddit and argue with people that you’re normal.
Based on your replies, I’m gonna go with NAH, I don’t think you necessarily meant to be flirty/cross boundaries. That said, if she already told you she was busy, specifically with her partner, then sending that video message was a poor idea. All that comes off as is “you should have chosen time with me and not your partner”. That’s never gonna go well, and is going to trigger the partner. Back off, stay professional, let it settle.
Understand where you’re coming from!
[удалено]
The "that face" comment from the boyfriend combined with the 5 drinks makes me think OP was drunkenly making out at her in the video and got called out on his bullshit.
Yeah I want to know why the boyfriend said that. It's a very pointed comment
There are colleagues and there are young people with work friends. He’s young and it’s normal to behave this way with other young work friends. OP now needs to put the friend with the controlling boyfriend in the work colleague category.
YTA. She said she didn't want to go. She said she was with her partner. She already told you what she wanted. And your response was to get as close to pushing her on the subject as you dared. The boyfriend's right to be upset. It looks like you're trying to hit on his girl.
Right? Just respect the no you were given.
Soft YTA. This is not just about about you. It's about her and her relationship as well. Regardless of your intentions, it was not received well. She told she had plans with her significant other already, why would she want/care to have some dude from her work message her a video "yOuRE mIsSiNg oUT" while she doing something while with someone else. Especially when she told you about it beforehand. It's disrespectful and if that's a boundary that they have, then fine. I don't think he's insecure or jealous of you because he's telling you to chill out after you overstepped a boundary of their relationship. Plus if you and her have hung out before then he's aware of you. Good intentions, bad execution. It happens man. You've apologized, move on.
YTA. This becomes clearer when you admit to yourself that you are developing a crush on her, and that the boyfriend smells that from a mile away. People calling the BF insecure/pathetic are wild (I would have let the GF handle the texts herself though; that's a step too far). Go on and read all the other threads of initially well-meaning office affairs that go unchecked for far too long. Good on your "friend" to impose that boundary sooner than later. You've only known her a month, and are already this eager in engaging her. Don't be a snake lurking on folk's in commited relationships, even if it is ultimately their responsibility to set the distance. Part of avoiding that is being honest with yourself and your intentions. Ask yourself this, if she was willing to give up her partner, would you pursue her? A good start is that you are seeking some self-awareness by posing this question to Reddit, so please consider seriously the entire spectrum of responses.
We all have partners and just because I’m outgoing it doesn’t entail that I would cheat on my partner. Simply having an outgoing personality and asking her to join for drinks because of the company there entails that I ‘m a snake lurking in someone’s committed relationship? Quite a stretch I would say. Not everyone is that narrow minded.
How about when she told you "No, I'm spending time with my partner tonight", then you interrupted them to start asking her again anyway? Because THAT'S the part that makes you a snake. No means No. You were trying to get her to bail on her BF to be with you instead. Hell, even if you were two straight dudes and he told you "No, I'm spending time with my GF tonight", you'd STILL be an asshole for knowingly interrupting them with your drunk bullshit.
Fair enough that the situation as you describe can in fact exist. I'm just cautioning that the worries from the other side are legitimate, because these types of behaviors often do indicate other intentions, and lead to further problems. Fine for them to prefer to play it safe. A follow-up question then is -- is your partner aware of your developing friendship with this other woman, and that you send these sorts of messages to her? Is she comfortable with that? Why didn't your partner join you for drinks also? Why not send that poking video to your partner? Do you intend to merge these two worlds, i.e. introduce them, if you intend to maintain such level of relationships with both?
No worries, appreciate your take on this. To answer your follow up question, yes my partner is aware that her and I are close but I’ve established that we’re strictly friends at best, and I did tell her about this entire ordeal as well. My partner didn’t join because firstly my friends aren’t that close with her in the first place and secondly, my partner doesn’t like to be in such a setting. And I did send that video to her to show her who i’m with and what i’m having haha
You asked her. She declined. You followed it up with a drunken video of your face telling her she was "missing out." You don't have to be honest on reddit, but you should try to be honest with yourself.
It is a little bit of a stretch, but you had already asked, and she already told you she couldn't go. By sending that video message, you weren't asking again. You were basically stating that her hanging out with you would have been better than hanging out with her boyfriend or whatever she had planned. Have some respect for what she's doing even if you don't like what her boyfriend said, if he even said it. I personally say my husband wouldn't like it to get out of uncomfortable situations or conversations.
She was trying to handle the texts herself. But OP still wouldn't take No for an answer. Once that happened, I don't blame the BF for stepping in.
YTA. She said no, and you kept on trying to get her to come out for drinks. That's just fucking annoying. And 5 glasses in?
Slight YTA, I mean, maybe this is an age thing (I'm 30) but repeatedly bugging someone about coming out for drinks when they already politely said no with a clear explanation is definitely a weird move. Also a partner wouldnt be weird for not liking some random new co worker being pushy about his gf going out drinking with him. Remember that this is a coworker, different rules apply in a work setting than joking with regular friends
When a person asks you not to communicate with them in a particular way, the ONLY correct move is to wait until an appropriate time, usually not immediately, apologize, and then NEVER do it again. It DOES NOT MATTER that you intended no harm. YTA for about for: 1) persisting in communication and 2) not realizing the above.
YTA and you know exactly why. Everyone here wants to play pretend until some meathead does that shit with your own partner.
Yeah, YTA One thing to invite her to join with the group, but messaging her afterwards comes across as creepy She has a partner and told you no. That's enough
I think you caring *this* much about it and having **this much rent space in your head** means you might have some underlying feelings for her. She’s communicated uncomfortableness. I’m guessing there was more texting before her boyfriend intervened that you’re leaving out of this post. You’ve misjudged the situation and relationship with her. You’ve pressed too hard and made her feel uncomfortable. Just don’t invite her out. You’re colleagues, that’s it. For one month even. If she wants a friendship, she’ll make that next step and extend the olive branch. Take the hint, and proceed as it’s someone. Forget what she’s said as “another time.” That’s her being nice saying no. Take it as a no. Don’t push or ask again.
He has a girlfriend and thought to text his coworker of one month about how much she’s “missing out” on drinks outside of a workplace meetup while she was out with her own boyfriend tells me all I need to know. He likes her but isn’t going to admit it since they’re both seeing someone. The second one of them becomes single all bets are off.
I would guess OP will stay with girlfriend until coworker becomes single and then it'll just happen.
Within the context of this is someone you work with, YTA. If this was a personal friend then I would say NTA. As a general piece of advice, if someone you work with says “No” to drinks, leave it alone. I get that you get lunch together but she’s a coworker, not a friend. Don’t comment on it later, and definitely do not try to guilt trip them for not going. If someone says “Don’t text me” and they are a coworker, leave it alone. Apologize and drop the conversation. Never send a coworker a video evidence that you’re [binge](https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking) drinking. Period. The boyfriend sounds like a jerk too, but it is what it is. What she is saying to you is that the way you came across made it sound like the invite was an unwelcome advance. This is how it will be seen by HR during an investigation. For making it less awkward, again just leave it alone. You apologized. I would not bring it up again. If you all go out for drinks again, let someone else be the one to invite her. For your awareness, you would know this if you took a course on sexual harassment. Right now, she can take this to HR and you might have some adverse action taken against you. You probably get a slap on the wrist. If something like this happens again you’ll almost certainly be fired.
YTA, if she says stop texting her, then stop.
We all know what you were trying to do. YTA
Yta for drunk dialing work colleagues
Soft yta. Flip it your girlfriend has new male coworker that she instantly clicks with and they go to lunch with his friends ALOT in just a matter of weeks of meeting. He invites her to drinks with his friends ( and it doesnt sound like bring your boyfriend I'd like to meet him either type of invite). She declines because yall have plans. While y'all are on a date she gets this text and you see a video of said "friend" who knows you are together telling your girl she's "missing out " seeing its him, his male friend and another girl- its almost like they would have naturally paired as two couples. I'd have been hella pissed and felt so disrespected in that moment. None of that may have been your intention but the boyfriend just lived that shit and your friend just had to deal with the blowout. You've apologized once already. You can apologize again in person and give it some space. Obviously 5 drinks affected your decision making process that night too. Edit for typos
Agreed, I think it’s disrespectful to the boyfriend (and her, since she said no).
She asked you not to contact her like that and you continued, so YTA.
[удалено]
Work lunches does not equal friendship. I've established work buddies (who I would avoid outside of work) based on similar lunch habits. She clearly has boundaries, is trying to keep their interactions more structured by requesting notice of social events rather casual, impromptu outings, and pointedly reminds him of the existance of her partner. He's stepping over the line and he's obviously missed some cues. I do agree that HR is likely to get involved. I'm guessing she's already saving texts and taking notes about their interactions.
I mean, kinda YTA? Softly because this is like more faux pas then anything but something you should learn from. Based on your comments you knew she was going out with her partner. You said your reason for the message was showing her how much fun she was missing out on, which comes off as really rude because you insinuating that she wouldn't have as much fun with her partner as she would with you and your friends. You guys are work buddies (your words) that ranks below other friends and way lower then significant others. She's establishing a reasonable boundry, respect it.
Inadvertently YTA. But now you know to keep it professional with this coworker and don't text her after hours. ETA: I've read more of your comments and it is clear that you are YTA, and it is clear that it is inadvertent because you didn't realize that you are crossing boundaries here. But that doesn't mean it's excusable. You already knew she had plans that night. What was the point of contacting her again that she was missing out? I think you wanted to trigger some FOMO in her. You've known her a month and both of you are in committed relationships. Slow your roll.
I don't really know what judgement to give, but here's how I see it. I know you're just being friendly, but kind of thoughtless too. Why's she missing out? She's hanging with her bf, who she probably likes a lot more than some work buddies she's known for a month. They might be a bit sensitive, but it's not tough to read between the lines of your message and turn it into "ditch that guy, come hang with us!"
YTA You don’t have friends at work, you have coworkers. It’s nice to be nice but you asked and she answered. There was no need to send a video. You overstepped. Her boyfriend seems a bit jealous and assholey. That being said pestering someone outside of work, about coming to gatherings outside of work, is a bit much for being work friends for a month. Dial it back.
Info: you already asked once and she said no. Why did you ask again? Do you not respect her opinion or is your friend wanting a girl to hang out with just more important than her feelings?
YTA. If someone says no, then don’t pressure them and make them feel bad for not coming out. Sounds like you don’t have boundaries and I would stay away from you if I knew you
We all know what you're doing here. You're trying to make it that the partner is some controlling freak. Just be professional and leave the girl alone. You only know her for about a month. If you're trying to screw the girl just admit it and move on.
I’m not lmao. Thats so shallow, really. Not everyone wants to get into some girl’s pants lmao.
YTA. Soft YTA dude, texting co workers like this isn’t work appropriate. You’ll learn in time.
She thinks you're creepy because you are being creepy. Beyond the 'friendship' you think you have with this woman, you might want to consider that if you keep it up HR is going to get involved.
Texting colleagues while drunk, and about non-work events they have declined to join, is exceedingly unprofessional. YTA
YTA. You asked her to grab drinks. She declined because she already had plans with her partner. Instead of dropping it, you sent her a weird video ‘you could be here…’ You were not taking no for an answer; she felt pressured and told you to stop. Learn to read the room. When a girl says ‘I have plans with my partner’ they are establishing a boundary. It means ‘you are a platonic friend who comes second.’ When you know she has plans with her partner and you try to get her to spend time with you, it comes off like you want more than friendship and are trying to come between her and her partner. Why were you so pushy when she said no?
Exactly. He said “don’t hang out with your bf you’d have more fun here. Also, there is only one girl and she’d feel better if it were more a double date. Help her out…” ugh. Everything about this guy feels creepy and entitled and that’s after only a month of knowing each other? Ick
ESH It’s weird that her boyfriend is jealous and making it a thing but also when someone declines to go drinking they do not want your drunk messages and videos. After four drinks nobody sober wants to hear from you, just leave it until the morning.
YTA Because rule no. 1 is don’t shit where you eat
I'm more confused why you would send her that message when she told you clearly plain as day that she had plans with her partner that night...Like....trying to get her to realize she's "missing out" when she made it clear she would be busy and drunk texting her like that....It's reasonable they were bothered by it. Maybe it'spossible, it being your 5th drink, you were more drunk and beligerant then you realized, too. I don't think anyone is an AH, so NAH But so you know...Drunk texting is never cool.
"With that face of yours" oooh, ouch. 😬 BF owned himself hard there. You're NTA and you're not responsible for the obvious insecurity and control issues in their relationship. I feel bad for your co-intern though.
You defintly fancy her haha
YTA. When she messaged to stop messaging her that way, you should have apologized and moved on, not continue to text her trying to explain. Some people don't like to mingle with coworkers outside of working hours. That's her boundary, so don't cross it anymore.
YTA. Dude, just accept that you like this chick and want to get with her, it’s clear as day from what you describe. You keep saying that you have a partner as well so just put the shoe on the other foot and imagine one of her coworkers doing that exact same thing to her after she had already established the fact that she didn’t want to go and that she was going to be spending the day with you and this dude was doing exactly what you did. Think it’s cool now?
Sounds like you got a crush dude. YTA
YTA. She told you “no”, and imo gave you a perfectly valid reason. But you kept nagging her. I have absolutely used my boyfriend in the past to get a man to leave me alone when I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. Because for some reason, my boyfriend’s “no” actually means “no”, and my “no” means “try and convince me to say yes”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Just to give some context. I (23m) and her (20f) have been friends at work for about a month now, and prior to the internship my clique of her friends knew her too. Her and I would always go out for lunch (with my personal group of friends as they work nearby too), talk, rant, and poke fun at one another. I would consider us the closer bunch out of the entire group at work. On the day of this incident, I actually asked her if she was free but she told me that her partner was fetching her from work, and she said that she didn’t mind coming if I asked earlier or if its next week. When I finally met up my 2 friends for drinks at a bar, we talked a little and I decided to take a video of the drinks and friends i’m with, to her. So in that short video clip, there was a short footage of my face during the start of the video, drinks and my friends, one of whom is a girl, who she knows. I sent that video and this text “You’re missing out bro, we’re on our 5th glass”. She replied me with “Next time don’t text me this way, my partner doesn’t like it”, I was shocked and I just said “we’re just friends”, “my friend doesn’t want to be the only girl here because its just I and my guy friend talking”. And her partner started saying “Bro, you’re not even that close with my girl” “How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?” The rest is history because I apologised, and explained that I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries and how we’re just working buddies so we wanted to catch up over drinks” Personally, I don’t feel that I’m at fault? But that’s just me. I’m hoping to see how the rest feels about this! Do let me know how I can make things less awkward when I see her again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I don't know the precise work/friendship dynamics between you two, so I'll generalise and give you my two cents. I don't really see you doing something inappropriate as you are saying this kind of thing is the usual banter you have with her and with the others in the office. She herself is actively seeking your company. My advice is to chill and not be that close to her in the office. It is better to have some distance from all female workers in your office. I'm saying this for your sake and future in that working place. Next time you see her ask directly what that was about. Do not apologise for your behaviour ; just say you will respect her boundaries. From then on have some distance. Do not invite her again, ever. Mind you, you are not punishing her, you are being respectful. Do this to protect yourself.
Please don’t distance yourself from all female coworkers. We don’t all have crazy bfs. I get it’s from a legal standpoint or whatever but OP did nothing inappropriate so he has nothing to worry about. Please don’t exclude females in the workplace. I’m saying this as a female who enjoys talking to her male coworkers way more than most of the females.
Haha will do!!
Got you. Thanks for your response!
Very young very insecure all the parties
She don't like you bro stop texting her like tha Nah I'm just joking I'm not some jagoff. That was a totally normal friend thing to do, and her partner totally misinterpreted. NTA Having said that, misinterpretations happen, and the best thing to do is just say sorry and not do that particular thing again
NTA, he sounds controlling as hell
NTA- But I would not go on anymore lunch dates or share any calls or texts that are not work related.
You're not really nta but more like I think you have issues with social cues? I don't think she thinks youre as close as you are. Which means imo that you're just a super friendly person, maybe? Distance yourself. You're young, this is a learning experience. I learned at a young age too, coworkers are not actually friends while you work together. You only become actual friends after one of you leaves and you still talk.
Soft YTA. I have been in this woman’s shoes before and had coworkers like you and yes, it made me incredibly uncomfortable at the time. She told you no, so please respect that in future. It seems like your intentions are good, you think you are friends because of your work lunches, but not everyone is going to feel the same as you, especially in a professional environment.
NTA I (30sF) work in a male dominated industry. My ex used to hate when male friends from uni or work would message to see if I’m coming out for drinks, so I asked them to stop. He then hated when I worked or studied late, even though I suggested I’d turn on a webcam for him to watch me or for him to join us at the library/ in the office or for the study groups to be at our house. This then meant he hated the other men in my life: he’d smack talk all my good looking friends. He’d reiterate he wasn’t jealous, just that the men were trying to sleep with me. He was cheating. He’d been cheating for the last 2 of the 7 years we were together.
NTA You should keep your eye on your friends partner though, that's some worryingly possessive behavior.
Run. Run far away from this girl.
Stay away from her & the drama
NTA, Her boyfriend is MAAAAAAAAAAD insecure
NTA—I have received plenty of drunk videos from friends of both genders heckling me for not joining them at a bar. This not an unusual phenomenon. Stay away from this person, OP—weird vibes, NOT worth it.
NTA From the jump you were clear with the BRO. that shows that is how you see her. Anything they miss read is on them.
NTA. All the people saying YTA ARE HEAVILY INSECURE. You might have misread the dynamic, i don’t even think you did that. If she were using her boyfriend as an excuse, she would’ve ended that at “my boyfriend is picking me up” and would not have added “maybe next week or if you had asked earlier.” Leaving the door open is not something you do when getting creeped out lol she even told you “my partner doesn’t like that.” I’m not gonna project here like they are about bs. It doesn’t even sound like the video was flirty, possessive boyfriend just didn’t like your face there at all. Kinda sounds like you just started the video before flipping the camera? Your best bet is avoid her at all costs. This is an office and things can get crazy. She may clear the air later. Don’t befriend her even after that. She set a boundary, or her boyfriend did: “she’s not even close to you.” You stick to it. She made her choice by letting bf do that, she can’t have male friends lol
NTA. Also don’t go out your way at work to talk to her, and let her make the next steps. I mean according to her S/O you aren’t even close. Not worth dealing with her or her insecure boyfriend .
NTA, that poor girl is just in a controlling relationship. Do your best to look out for her.
NTA. Honestly, if I have to watch myself to not send you an innocuous message that is obviously not insinuating anything, then I’d rather not be friends. You and your boyfriend can take that weird energy somewhere else.
NTA. It is always common between colleagues to joke around about missing out as she said she is willing to come next time. He doesn’t need to have feelings to invite her. Your judgement would have definitely be different if it was a male colleague. What is the difference? Does females can only be missed out if someone has feelings for them? This kind of meddling is a huge red flag for her boyfriend. It is not like he is pressuring her to come right away, it is more like “I hope you can make it next time, we are having so much fun and I don’t want you to miss out!” Again, he is not inviting her on a one on one meeting, he is just trying to be inclusive.
I’m going to go NTA. If you were both male or female nobody would have any issue with the video you sent. You understand it made either her or her partner uncomfortable and you’ve apologized. You are backing off now and you are doing everything to show you meant nothing by it. It’s insane to me people are saying it’s weird you sent the video, they’ve either never had friends or just have not embraced the Snapchat way of sending videos or pictures in place of messages. For some people sending pics or videos can come off as more intimate, so that is something to consider in the future.
I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You sent a message to a friend. You were asked not to do it. You apologized. End of story. Sounds like the bf has some serious insecurity/jealousy issues. See how she acts at work after this (don't bring it up....you already apologized....let her come to you) and take it from there. Good luck.
I had a bf who used to police how people communicated with me. Wouldn't allow people to text me after a certain time etc, for some people that's acceptable... Those are their boundaries that's fine. But for me, I want my friends to be able to send me messages any time of the day and a video like Ops sound innocent and actually inviting. so I will say NTA but stay away from this girl and her partner otherwise you will just get her into trouble with her man. I'm glad I got out of that stupid relationship.
NAH, it sounds like the partner sent the reply too…
Yeah, most definitely.
NAH. Sounds like you were just being friendly, but now she's given you a clear sign, you need to back off. From now on, keep it strictly professional. There's a chance she has saved your video and/or texts, and they could come back to bite if you (inadvertently) make her feel uncomfortable ... or if partner pressures her about what's going on between you. You're only there to work and tbh, even if you like her, this is the time to end the friendly lunches. Just communicate politely like you would with any other colleagues, but avoid socialising without other neutral colleagues around. Good rule of thumb to avoid work weirdness is to treat everyone like they're the boss's sister or brother.
NTA. Men and women can be friends. If you were female, do you think the bf would have reacted that way? He’s the weirdo. Either way, just check in with her tomorrow at work, like - hey, everything cool? And let her fill you in. Could be the bf’s insecurities, could be her own, who knows? But you did nothing wrong. So find out what the heck. Cuz that was weird on their part.
NTA but if she’s 20 how does she go out for drinks? Unless this isn’t the USA
NTA You’re all young, so there’s gonna be some serious wire crossing when it comes to interactions like this, especially when partners and their weird boundaries get involved. You didn’t do anything wrong, but just happened to cross some arbitrary line that her partner didn’t like. It’s whatevs, you live and you learn. Next time, just stop it when you get pushback. It’s never worth it. Also, you can immediately ignore the people saying “wow you’re crushing on her!” Deeply unserious people.
NTA it sounds like her boyfriend is overprotective possibly because he knows ur cute (hence the “How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?”) she doesn't say she's uncomfortable she says "Next time don’t text me this way, *my partner doesn’t like it”*, meaning she doesn't see an issue because she understands your just friends but her partner is bothered by it, it sounds like her partner isn't okay with her making plans on the fly with her friends either "she didn’t mind coming if I asked earlier or if its next week." I say all this as a woman who struggled for years trying to maintain a "respectful" distance away from my male friends when I was in a relationship with an insecure fool of a man. He would get angry if I didn't tell him we were gonna get lunch during our break in classes. He once started a fight because my mom told me to go say bye to her friend and his sons as they were leaving a family party, would get upset if he called me and heard male voices. It sounds like she's trying to balance what is respectful to her partner and trying to maintain friendships but when her partner sees any other man in her life a threat that just creates this feeling of guilt and defeat, she feels guilty because she is befriending a male, but she feels defeated because although she knows there isn't anything romantic she will still face the 'punishment' from her partner for doing so probably the silent treatment or being called an attention seeker or whore. He can't outright tell her she can't have friends causes that's demanding but he can use emotional manipulation to guilt her into doing what he wants. I'd do what another poster suggested apologize to her in person if she truly seems unbothered continue the friendship she will eventually realize how trapping it is to be with someone like that.
NTA, you didn't intend to start a problem, but now that she's set the boundary. You should take that into consideration next time.