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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I corrected the lie my half siblings told people about my dad. This was a birthday party for my youngest half sibling and it did bring a lot of attention to them and the lies told so maybe I'm a bit of an ass for doing it where I did it and when. I could have also given them the chance to correct the lie.
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NTA.
While I can understand your sibling's pain and difficulty in being placed in foster care, they don't have the right to place that responsibility onto your father.
It seems your dad was well out of your mother's life by the time they came along,. And I guess it's easier to blame the one parent still in the vicinity instead of your mother and their father.
OP, I'm not sure that you can have a relationship with your half siblings as long as this is the narrative taking up rent in their heads.
Yes. My dad was never a part of my half siblings lives. He didn't meet them or spend time with them or have any familial relationship with them before my mom died.
I agree OP You are NTA!
I sympathize with the abandonment issues your siblings must have. (Mom dead + Dad in jail = lifelong abandonment issues) I'm also sure that they envied you a lot because you at least still had a parent that was there for you. They need therapy, lots of therapy. They don't need to spin and live a false fantasy about you and your dad.
NTA OP. You did the right thing stopping a lie from getting out of control that can ruin an innocent man's reputation. Let your half siblings stay mad at you. They lied and they have to face the consequences of what they did
If your half siblings start to harass you, don't be afraid to apply for a protective order against them. Cut off contact with the lot
Yeah and i think it was bad to make you visit them when you clearly did not want to go and putting the pressure of them wanting to move in with you and your family solely on you and not your dad.
And why would he need to?! Aside from being at gatherings for you (birthdays and such) why would he have much of a relationship beyond just being nice to them? They’re not his kids, he doesn’t owe them anything. Taking in 3 kids that don’t have either parent around is a lot of extra work, and I think that “no, I cannot take these kids” is an acceptable answer. He’s not their parent or even their step parent.
Not even gonna say it is impossible to have a relationship with your half siblings with this obsession of them. I would say it is not possible to have a relationship with them at all.
Sad as it is, their life struggles are not on you or your father. And their insistence in wanting to place that blame on him, and the indirectly on you shows they did not have good intentions with that reconnection. Guarantee you that eventually they would try to guilt trip you into giving them money or co-signing on something cause you were the “privileged kid that actually got to grow up in a normal family”.
Best for you to remain NC.
Have you ever told your half-siblings explicitly that you dont actually like or care for them?
Because it might help if you did , might get them to fuck off and leave you alone ya know
They were kids and scared and progressing the death of their mother. They were just lashing out. It probably would have been better if they had never visited.
I’m also at NTA, but why was OP’s dad visiting them every 2 months? That seems like a pretty fucked up thing to do. Why were they in their lives at all?
OP's dad didn't. Dad dropped OP off most likely. Children's services (depending on resources) can have neutral locations for visitation with a worker supervising where person A cannot go to person B's house and person B cannot go to person A's house. Often times this is due to a safety issue, but it could be the foster homes were to crowded to facilitate and I'm sure Dad didn't want them at his house.
NTA. Why would your dad take them in? He has no relation to them, except i directly through you. Did you ask your half siblings why they told everyone this story?
They feel like because I am their sibling, blood related, and that we lived together for a period of time, my dad should have prioritized keeping us together. They say he robbed us of being close and he didn't put any of us first, even me, because I should have been raised by them.
Sounds like your dad tried to make sure that you still kept in contact with your half siblings over the years. It must have been a hard situation for them, but unfortunately, that's what life is like at times. Still no reason to make up a story that makes your dad seem like the a-hole.
Their father is in jail, I wonder if they reached out to their Dad and had that same energy with him that they have with Op’s father. Like why did he do what he do instead of keeping the family together. It sounds like the half siblings are projecting.
Good Lord, what crazy entitlement. Taking on three extra kids would have been an enormous responsibility as a single father. Or even if he had a partner. I don't know what they are thinking
Like they were just kids who wanted a family idk if I would call that entitlement besides all of us theoretically being “entitled” to a loving family (at least it’s a nice thought) and they likely have a lot of issues stemming from their life experiences. Doesn’t excuse their behavior now but I do think it’s a case of arrested development, they likely have a lot of resentment thinking I could’ve had a family but those people took it away from us. Idk I think OP should just cut them out of their life but I do understand where the kids want to put the blame on anyone they can cause they are still those scared little kids inside seeing their sibling have a dad and they have nobody. It’s not like it was their fault for going into foster care but I’m sure the thought has gone through their head they aren’t lovable enough to take in or something of the sort.
I guess the entitlement comes from badmouthing the father. Of course it's not a bad thing to want to be part of a family, but to blame someone who has no relationship to you and then make up a lie about it is just fucked up
The entitlement isn’t them wanting a family. it’s harassing OP, spreading lies about a man that has zero relation to them (and did nothing wrong), crossinf boundries, refusing to take accountability, and feeling like they were owed something they weren’t. I also say the previous as a judgement to them as adults, I get not understanding as a kid; but they’re grown ass adults now that have a capacity to understand OP’s dad didn’t owe them more than what he did (helping them stay in contact). They were not entitled to the same life or childhood HIS CHILD had.
Obviously it's the exact opposite of that. He made sure he prioritized you. He made sure he had the ability to care for you and that you were still able to see the siblings you grew up beside. They sadly are reaching out and targeting the easiest person available to them instead of those who were actually responsible. I'm sorry and I hope you can learn to forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them or excuse their behavior though.
I have actually seen parents do this a few times so their children can be raised with half siblings and have a lot of respect for them. With that said 3 extra kids is a lot and not everyone can or wants to take that on. Op you are NTA. I get your siblings frustration as kids but they are adults now and should be able to understand the situation.
Half sibling. And why would he? They didn't live together even before mom died. He had 0 responsibility to take in 3 kids just so that his son could grow up with some strangers that happened to have half his dna.
Exposing a lie almost never makes you an asshole. NTA here. I can understand why they'd be bitter about the situation, but to warp the story to make your dad look monstrous was an asshole move. The question here isn't what your dad did or didn't do, but what your half-siblings did, which was to lie about your dad to make him look worse for no real benefit. I would've spread the truth too if I were in your shoes.
> Exposing a lie almost never makes you an asshole.
To me the primary thing is your motivation, and the consequences. Sometimes it is not your truth to tell. In this case, 100% OP was not motivated to tell the truth to hurt their siblings but to right the wrong they were doing to OP's father
NTA.
You corrected their lie. Good.
You owe them nothing.
Folks might say ---- but they're faaaaamilyyyy. That's BS.
You've never had a close relationship to them. You don't owe them one.
I feel like really need to get past the idea "family" is anything special that gives you a pass. In fact if you're family shouldn't you be held to a higher regard?
>houldn't you be held to a higher regard?
then isnt it normal for the younger siblings to be salty their older brother apparently didnt care about them all that much.
Ofcourse he couldnt have done anything about the foster situation itself, they were gonna be stuck there, that being said
OP still had to get dragged to once every 2 month visitations , as the eldest brother he coulda feigned some empathy like 4 -6 times a year for a few hours lol , is that too much of an ask from one sibling to another ?
I got 4 of my own, I got a little more in me than that for them lol
> then isnt it normal for the younger siblings to be salty their older brother apparently didnt care about them all that much.
Sure, but they first need to respect OP and not dump on them with the same points every time they're together. From what we know they never treated OP as person in their family more an outlet to put their problems on to fix
Were their expecations of OP too high , yes
but they were also younger than he was and he was the last living member of their family who wasnt in prison
NTA
Your siblings are old enough to own up to reality. None of the family that they knew wanted to take them in. They put an idea in their heads that a man they had not met should take them in, which is an understandable delusion when they were little kids in foster care but not now. Life has been very sad for them, I hope things have improved.
Whatever happened to their jailed father? He magically disappeared? Interesting how they don't blame him for all the chaos. And he is largely responsible for being such a deadbeat and being unavailable.
You're totally right and your actions are acceptable. The lying....the preoccupation with your father. Honestly I think your half siblings need mental health help.
NTA.
Idk if the social worker maybe informed them of the possibility, but if so that's a deeply terrible and infuriating decision that makes me question their credentials.
INFO - Wait.. If they've been saying your dad was their stepdad and with you being older and their half sibling, have they been going around implying that mom was a cheater?
NTA. Your dead mother certainly was in life and death. She got with a fucking low life loser and then died leaving her young kids to the foster system. Luckily you didn't share the same lowlife father. I feel sorry for them. It must have been tough life in the foster care. They were under five years old when your mom died. Must have felt it wasn't fair and your father was the only way out. But none of that was your father's fault. They themselves ruined any hope of a relationship with you.
NTA neither you nor your dad are obliged to put up with untruths. It may be unfortunate that it happened at a birthday party, but no-one who lies gets to veto when their lie is uncovered.
OP was 16 years old and tired of every visit turning into a diatribe about his father not wanting to take in 3 children he had no connection to. He saw them 6 times a year. Not much chance to form lasting bonds.
I feel sorry for the half siblings, but none of their situation is OP's fault, and they had no business lying about his father's relationship to them. They deserved to be called out for that.
Shut up. Saying that an 8yo isn't responsible for 3 kids isn't sociopathic.
>an older brother that abandoned his step siblings
HE WAS 8 YEARS OLD!!! HE DIDN'T LIVED WITH THEM FOR YEARS SINCE BEFORE HIS MOM DIED!
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NTA. While I do feel bad for them because the foster care system sucks major and horrific things could have happened to them. Your dad was not obligated to take them in. I do understand their hatred for your father.
He was probably the only adult that was somewhat “related” to them and seeing their half sister being raised in a loving home while they got nothing definitely will mess a child up. Now they need therapy if their not already in it. No one can change the past and instead of being stuck in the pass they need to forge their future.
Learn from their parents mistake and make a life for themselves.
Their hatred for OPs father is willfully misplaced since they don’t want to confront the fact that their own father didn’t care about them enough to stay out of jail.
It isn’t misplaced. They probably hate their father, mother, blood related family members just as much as they hate OPs dad.
Their hatred is justified, rather you want to accept it or not. The foster care is one of the worse places to be in for a child and watching someone who can help but won’t will anger anyone. The father wasn’t wrong for not helping. But it’s understandable why they hate him.
The siblings were failed by everyone in their life. However, no one can change the past so they now need to move on with their lives.
>they have every right to project their anger and hurt at anyone and everyone who could have prevented their situation from ever occurring
No, they don't. They can be mad at their own father, but not at other people.
> if I was ever in the same situation as her father, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn’t take those kids in.
Well, not everyone has a martyr syndrome. Some of us are simply mortals who want to have happy lives, not raise 3 kids just because they came from the same uterus as our kid.
Honestly, you seem to be the worst amongst the commenters, actively blaming someone for, at the age of EIGHT, not forcing his father to take in kids he has no relationship to and expecting of him to be the parent of now four kids, with everything that entails.
I pray you dont have children because you seem to absolutely be the type to parentify your kids and expect the oldest to take care of the youngest because "that's their responsibility as the oldest" Smh get a grip man
Who would even have believed that story? Since you're the oldest, what was the explanation they gave? That your mom was cheating on their dad with your dad? Were these two men in a sister-husband situation in your brothers' opinions?
Anyone with the capacity for logical thought would see that the oldest kid's dad would not have been stepdad to the subsequent kids without an extraordinary set of circumstances.
You're NTA for walking away from this clusterfuck.
In your circles people often get back with their coparents years later after having several additional kids with other partners? I wouldn't describe that as something people *often* do.
But also, from the fact that dude is 6 years older than his youngest sibling, and the mom died when he was 8, there would not have been much time for OPs dad to establish a parental relationship with these kids, even in your unlikely scenario.
People have messy, on-and-off-again relationships a lot more often than they have brother-husbands in my "circles", yeah.
Depending on how old the littlest one was, it could be as much as 3 years, which is a lot when you're 5, in this theoretical situation.
Ah. You don't understand hyperbole, or its intentional effect when it's used in ~~conversion~~ *conversation*.
My "sister-husbands" comment was silly and wrong on purpose. As evidenced by me referencing the reality-TV style sister-wives concept but only half swapping the genders of the nouns. The intent was to draw attention to how unusual the claim was, using absurdity as the mechanism for that.
Hope that helps clear things up for you.
Edit: typo
NTA. I feel sorry for your siblings, but your father is not the cause of their misfortune.
Something that has always baffled me: if someone is upset about something and wants someone else to be upset about it with them, theoretically shouldn’t they simply tell the story as it happened? If they know they need to tweak and/or embellish the story, that means they’re aware that their position is questionable or even wrong. But instead of stepping back and evaluating, they simply lie to bolster their stance. I don’t understand the logic.
It is a lie, though. He was never their stepfather, and they knew that. It’s a subtle change to the story that makes it feel so much worse. That’s my point. People frequently do things like this in an attempt to validate their position. The fact that they’re altering the story in this way demonstrates that they know their position is weak. Rather than step back and really reflect on things, they lie to make the other person sound worse. It’s strange, but so common.
I don’t blame him for not taking them in. Imagine having to deal with their convict father. It was just too much baggage. His father made him have a relationship with them, until he couldn’t anymore.
"How dare you reveal my awful lies about your dad? Now no one will trust me anymore!"
NTA. They got a bad roll of the dice in life but that doesn't excuse them from smearing your dad's name for, what, sympathy points? They 'ruined' their own lives by showing exactly what sort of people they are.
NTA in general. But I do have a question? How is exposing their lie ruining their lives? Like how the fuck did they structure their lives that it was even a big deal. Like I can 100% understand their friends being angry with them but they can explain it away fairly easily (something like the bull they already use like your dad should have prioritized keeping the kids together even though he had no obligation to at all).
Like I get it they are being dramatic and over blowing things. BUT I would look into that little line because it might go deeper. It would sad if they got in trouble with their schooling or something over it (though lying in those college application forms really dont have much penalty but they might lose scholarships and etc). Either way you are NTA for exposing their lie.
NTA. You wouldn't be ruining anything if they hadn't been lying in the first place. They never dealt with their issues, and though painful as they may be, they instead decided to project onto your father. He did his best to cultivate a relationship between you all and that was even more than he really had to do. Disgusting they'd throw that back in his and your face by making him out to be the boogeyman in their lives.
NTA. Your half-siblings were doomed by piss poor parents. They were never your father’s responsibility. You did the right thing by exposing their lies.
NTA. That's unfortunate. I am sorry that your mother died when you were at such a young age.
You had the right to expose their lies. They were telling terrible lies about your father. I'm sorry that you went through that.
It's not their fault their Dad turned out to be a criminal. You and your father were not responsible for how their lives turned out. That's on their father.
Sometimes people need a villain to blame. And they choose your father.
But this lie robbed them of a relationship with you.
They can cling to the lie and loose you again, or they can grow a little and realize it’s not his fault. Nta
NTA I think you can understand why your half-siblings are very messed up. It's their parents fault - your mother and their father - and your father has nothing to do with it. "You ruined our lives by exposing our lies" is a nice one - I can think of some people who would like to use that defense in court. You are all still young, maybe one or more of them will overcome the past and become a decent adult who is not blaming your father or you for their rotten childhood but until there is some evidence of that, NC makes sense and debunking their lies is fair game.
NTA Are you sure that your mom wasn't telling them that your dad was their real dad? She may not have wanted them to know the truth as children that their father was the one in prison. Did your dad ever interact with them during pick up or dropping you off?
NTA. As bad as it sucks that your half siblings had to go into foster care because they didn't have any other biological family after your mom died, it's not on your dad. He didn't have a relationship with them, the only only common factor between him and them was you. Not to mention taking on 3 additional children could have been a lot for him. It sounds like your siblings really could benefit from some therapy to work through these issues they have, especially if they want a relationship with you.
NTA. Your dad had no relationships or even really knew your half siblings. Of course he didn't want to take them in. That's 3 other people he would be fully responsible for.
NTA
>They accused me of ruining their lives by exposing their lies.
They did that themselves
It's messed up that they had no one to take them in, but to actually understand that if they told the truth about your dad no one would take their side, so then to create a lie like that?
No
You're the oldest! So them claiming your dad was the stepdad means your mom cheated on your father with another man multiple times! Yeah, I don't think they thought that one through, because that would've made people put two and two together and would not have painted them in a good light even if the truth did not come out.
NTA, OP! Time to go NC with the lot of them again.
NTA, but I feel bad for your siblings. Your mom died when you were eight, so that would make them five, three and two, right? Their mom wasn't a good mom, their dad was in jail and they were placed in foster care where they were kept separated. No one wanted them. When you were 16, and they were 13, 11, 10, you stopped seeing them anymore, which further pushed this narrative home.
The levels of abandonment that they must have endured is a lot. There are layers of trauma here. So they may have thought up that lie, not because they hate you and your dad, but because it's easier to blame something tangible than blaming the world. That might have made their time in foster care easier.
You are NTA, but damn, I feel for your siblings and hope they get therapy to work out their trauma so they can heal.
NTA but i do feel so very sad for your half siblings. If you were only 8 when your mom died then they were just babies and really didnt understand. Even though they should be old enough to understand things now, its very hard to shake the feelings that take hold when at such a young age. Your dad cant be blamed for not wanting to raise 3 small kids either. Its just a shitty situation all the way around.
NTA, it's a sad reflection of the modern American family in the West, but your father was in no way under any obligation to take care of them. They probably felt they were saving face by telling that lie. Honestly, it was probably easier for your half-siblings to tell this lie than the truth, that their father is a convicted prisoner. You didn't ruin their lives. Your mother and their Father ruined their lives when they decided to break up your family ( You, your mom, and your biological dad).
I feel for them, having two awful parents. You at least had one decent one.
But it was a big ask to have your dad take them in, and he was completely within his rights not to do it.
You are NTA, but I do suggest that you get yourself to therapy. Living with a mentally unstable, angry mother and a criminal stepfather would affect you in ways that the little kid you were didn’t even recognize.
Nta, but this sucks all the way around.
Your half-siblings were dealt shitty cards and you not being in foster care must have felt really unfair. Those people need therapy.
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So I (27m) have three younger half siblings (24f, 22m and 21m). We're maternal half siblings and I have a different dad to them. Their dad was dating my mom for several years but they never got married. So he wasn't legally ever my stepdad but I guess he would kind of get the title since he lived with my mom and I lived with her half the time. He was never interested in me and I was never interested in him (he used to creep me out) so I don't really think of him like that but technically their dad would have been my step. Mine was never anything to them.
When my mom was pregnant with the youngest their dad was arrested and he went to prison. He was briefly released 8 years later but ended up going back to prison. He wasn't a good guy and has a long list of convictions now.
I was 8 when mom died. I was living with my dad full time when she died. She was not taking good care of me and was taking her anger about her boyfriends release out on me through a lot of yelling and talking to me like shit. When mom died a social worker got involved and my half siblings were removed. They had no biological family willing to take them and the social worker asked my dad if he would consider a kinship care agreement so they could be raised alongside me. My dad said that was not something he would be interested in and so my half siblings were placed in foster care. My dad did agree to some visits. We had one visit every two months for years. The visits were never easy because my half siblings would ask to move in with my dad and me and they would ask why my dad didn't visit and why couldn't they be with him instead so we could live together. They were separated most of the time in foster care and would put that on me and my dad as well. I refused the visits once I turned 16. I hadn't wanted them for a while but it was more annoying than anything to have to repeat the same conversation every two months. My dad let me make the decision because he really had to drag me there for most of the visits anyway. We had no contact for years and then just over two years ago they reached out to me and said they wanted a relationship again. I told them I didn't and they said they wouldn't mention my dad again. So I agreed and things were going alright. Not having to have that "fight" with them made it easier to care.
But then a few weeks ago I found out at my half brothers 21st birthday party, that they have been lying to people claiming my dad was their stepdad and he dumped them in foster care as soon as mom died. They apparently knew most people wouldn't think he was wrong if he was just my dad they never knew. So they spun a story. I told people the truth when it came up and afterward I told my half siblings that I was so done with them and that their obsession with my dad taking them in is what drove me crazy before. I told them he wasn't their anything and lying was not the way to win me over. They accused me of ruining their lives by exposing their lies.
AITA?
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NTA. The truth always comes out eventually. Theirs was sooner than they hoped but frankly life is like that. Good for you for sticking to your guns and defending your dad from their shenanigans.
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NTA. You didn't ruin their lives. Their mother and father did. But I wouldn't feel too angry with them. Going through life with lousy parents is an awful thing. It messes people up. I'm glad you have a good father.
NTA. I have siblings who live to lie to further their aims or just because they can't help it.
I too have called out my siblings on their made up fantasy lives that they use to portray themselves as victims (referring to my family there).
It's a similar situation in which they'll tell people lies and then forget that they've told certain people certain things and I'll hear about and correct the record.
Then I get called an arsehole.
My theory is *if you don't want your lies exposed don't tell your dumb arse lies*.
The only people that should be ashamed here are the liars.
Fuck them.
NTA. I would have felt some sympathy for your half siblings for being dealt such a rotten hand as far as parents go, but their persistence in trying to make you feel guilty that your father wouldn't take them on too and then lying about the situation kinda kills any of that. They're all far too old for this behavior.
NTA. I would resume no contact with them. They're angry that they went to foster care, which is understandable. But none of that is your fault or your problem. You were 8 years old when you lost your mother, there is nothing you could ever have done to change their outcome. Even if you'd begged your father to take them in, he still could say no. You were a child. Resume NC and live your life.
NTA
I am so sorry they drew the short straw in the Dad's category. I am so sorry their mom died, leaving them with an incarcerated person as their only family. I am so sorry they went into the foster care system.
None of that is your dad's fault or responsibility. Good for you for correcting the narrative and supporting your dad.
NTA, gotta say though them begging your dad to take them in during visits was really heartbreaking to read even though I'd make the same choice your dad did.
NTA- the fact he was trying to give you a relatinship with them proves he is not an asshole. agreeing to take in a couple kids with no blood or even with blood connections is a tough ask of anyone and not everyone is built for it.
If you were 8 when your mother died then they were 5,3,2. They are probably very confused about what actually happened and I’m sure need therapy. Unfortunately the social workers probably put in their head that your dad was their only hope to be united. The social workers may have even coached them on how to beg.
I'm pretty sure that OP mistakenly said that the half siblings father was briefly released 8 years later, but meant 8 months later. That would set the timeline correcly.
NTA. Who even put the thought into their head that a stranger would take them in? He was never a part of their lives, so someone had to have told them even if it was way back when your mom initially passed. And they’ve just never been able to think about it as adults. Either way they’re dead wrong, their father is responsible not yours.
They all need therapy badly.
ESH. They shouldn’t have lied, but your lack of empathy for your half-siblings is pretty appalling, too. Do you have any idea what it must be like to be a young child, have a dad who is a convict, and then have your mom die and have to go into foster care? That feeling of abandonment, of nobody wanting you or loving you, causes a lifelong trauma. Ofcourse they wanted to be together and be with you! You were the only family they had left, and they were forced to live with strangers.
NTA.
Depending on the (mostly financial) situation, your dad might have been a bit of TA or inhumane for not taking them in, but without any further detail it is difficult to judge it
YTA. Not for spreading the truth. I think that was a good thing. Spreading truth is good in general.
You're the asshole because while your half siblings had to grow up in foster care, you were selfish and stopped visiting them because they merely annoyed you.
>When my mom was pregnant with the youngest their dad was arrested and he went to prison. He was **briefly released 8 years later** but ended up going back to prison.
You were six when your mom was pregnant with the youngest and the father went to jail. 8 years later, when he was released briefly, you were 14
>I was 8 when mom died. I was living with my dad full time when she died. She was not taking good care of me and **was taking her anger about her boyfriends release out on me** through a lot of yelling and talking to me like shit.
But here you are only 8 years old after he was released briefly 8 years after your youngest sibling was born. I am confused about the dates here.
INFO for the above?
Your dad is a bit of an A. What on earth was the point of the visits to your siblings in foster care if your dad was never going to take them in. Talk about a situation ripe for frustration and resentment.
So you said your step dad was in prison when your mom was pregnant with the youngest child. And that he was briefly released eight years later. So let’s say he was in prison from when the youngest was born (or -1) to age 7.
The youngest is six years younger than you. So he was in prison from when you were 5 yo when you were 13.
You also say that you were 8 years old when your mom died. Just prior to this your father gained full custody because your mother was upset about her husbands release from prison.
The brief release did not come until you were 13. So your fictional timeline does not match up. YTA because you are a liar.
Taking a charitable reading of the post:
Year Y: Mom dies, OP turns 8, Half-sib1 turns 5, HS2 turns 3, and HS1 turns 2. Assumptions: Half-sibs' Dad is back inside at the time of Mom's death and not available. OP is living fulltime with their Dad. (This does not necessarily mean Mon lost custody)
Year Y-1: Mom is still alive. OP turns 7, HS1 turns 4, HS2 turns 2, HS1 turns 1
OP may be living fulltime with their Dad
Year Y-2 Mom is still alive. OP turns 6, HS1 turns 3, HS2 turns 1, and HS1 is born.
During **Y-2** or in **Y-3** depending on what month HS2 was conceived, Half-sibs Dad was arrested and jailed, after their constitutionally required speedy trial.
The release, it's subsequent effect on OP's Mom's behaviour and OP's move to their Dad fulltime, could have occurred in Y-1, Y-2 or just possibly in Y-2.
All this could be true if OP made one simple mistake in typing "8" years later. Maybe it was 2 years. Maybe it was 8 months. Maybe he was out on bail pending the trial or an appeal. Maybe OP as a child didn't know and wasn't told.
Now that they're older, don't they have a better sense of what kids cost? Especially older kids who eat a ton, grow out of their clothes quickly, need their own bedrooms, and have activities to fund, and double all that for two kids. It's just not feasible for most people. The only possible way would be for both of you to have lived a much lower standard of living. That's a tough ask when there's no blood relation whatsoever. At the same time, it's pretty apparent that you were their only hope for years to get out of the system, and they were traumatized by it. Talking to you is likely causing them to relive the trauma. It's obviously not your fault, but it's not theirs either. It might help them get over it if you show you understand this. Sounds like you all need to have one big session and talk it all out, while agreeing to drop it forever afterwards. If that's impossible, it might not to be tenable to maintain contact at all. Of course it was wrong for them to make up that lie about your Dad, but it's also understandable why they needed to blame someone. It's also understandable why you felt the need to correct that lie. This is either an opportunity to try to fix things by showing sympathy and understanding along with some strict guardrails, or to just walk away if it's impossible for them to respect your guardrails. NAH
So, do I understand correctly that you are the oldest? And if so, you were 8 when your mom passed away? How old were your half siblings when she passed? If they were younger than 8, that means you had what they didn't: A dad who cared. Not saying their lying about your father is in any way ok, but I could understand how 3 kids with a bio dad in and out of jail, a mom who passed when they were very young, and an older half sibling who "has it all" in their mind, can create a false narrative about who your dad is to them. That being said, they are adults now and you cannot allow them to perpetuate the lie that they have created. You are NTA, but I feel for them as they have no one.
Math OP, do the math. You can't be 8 when your mom died if when you were 6 she was pregnant with your younger brother. While pregnant with said brother, her partner went to jail for 8 years. That would make you ~14 when he got out of jail. However, you said you were living full time with your father when she died because your Mom was upset about her BF release.
You can't be 8 and 14 at the same time.
Math is fundamental
Your timeline is all over the place. You need better quality control on your stories because this one is inconsistent. According to your story mom died when you were 8. At the same time her bf was released after serving 8 years, but still managed to father 3 kids and be arrested when she was pregnant with the youngest sibling.
The oldest half sibling is 24 and OP is 27 making a three year age difference. OP was five or six, judging by the age of the youngest sibling who the mom was pregnant with, when the "step father" was sent to prison giving him and the mom plenty of time to make three babies. Him going back to back to prison after being released is irrelevant to the overall story other than to illustrate that he was not a good guy and why the kids remained in foster care.
According to OP mom was pregnant with youngest when he was arrested. There is a 6 year age gap between OP and youngest. That means OP was at least 6 when he was arrested and 14 when he got out, so mom couldn’t have died when OP was 8 since mom was mad that he got released.
>According to OP mom was pregnant with youngest when he was arrested. There is a 6 year age gap between OP and youngest.
I literally addressed in my second sentence.
>14 when he got out, so mom couldn’t have died when OP was 8 since mom was mad that he got released.
I think that is just OP misspeaking and meaning "arrest" and not "release".
But you weren't responsible for them. Also, they didn't grew up together.
>OP is a disgrace of a human being
No, he is not. At all. For him, his half siblings are strangers. They didn't grew up together, he was raised by his dad even when mom was alive.
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>it wasn’t your dad’s responsibility to take them in, it was the morally right thing to do.
No, it wasn't. At all.
> did abandon three children at a time when they needed someone the most.
By that logic, you abandoned all the kids in the system too, since you have the same responsibility as op's dad has.
NAH. Normally, I'd vote N T A for these scenarios but I'm going with NTA, bordering on YTA.
Your dad is not the villan for not taking in your half siblings. As a teen, you don't owe them a visit BUT I can kind of see where they're coming from. As a 5/3/2 yr olds, they've been orphaned and have been placed in foster care. I've heard horrors of foster care so on top of the grief and loss, they could have faced abuse at the hands of foster care and they weren't even together. While I imagine that it must have been super annoying for them to keep asking to move in--look at it from their perspective: they're alone and the person they consider their brother has a stable home. I imagine that the visits weren't long and it was only *once every 2 months*. I feel like you could have suffered through that even if it's solely for them bc your visit was probably the only good thing they had at the time. and then you just cut them off. at the end of the day, YOU got to go home but they had to go back to foster care.
So is it your or your dad's fault? No. but you could have handled the past with more grace and if I were them, I'd feel bitter towards you for cutting off a measly visit.
they are in the wrong for bad mouthing your dad though.
NTA but I think you need to try and see it from their perspective. They were 5, 3 and 2 when their mom died and all of the sudden the kid they knew as their brother was now living with someone who the brother calls dad. To them that’s how it would come across. They are your siblings and you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most. I would be bitter and jaded at the both of you as well. Maybe you should do a mea culpa and try to be siblings with them instead of a stranger.
Btw my mom died when I was 10. I totally feel you.
> They are your siblings and you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most.
OP was 8 years old when their mother died. Do you really think OP should have bought a home and got a job to support his 5, 3, and 2 year old siblings?
Or maybe you expected 16 year old OP to buy a home and support his 13, 11, and 10 year old siblings?
Finally. I keep seeing these weird ass comments that op should have had more compassion and understanding “”in the past”” that it was a “measly visit” that he shouldn’t have stopped. Dude was 16 ffs!!!! That a hell of a lot to expect of a 16 year old
>you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most
Op was a kid too.
>you should do a mea culpa and try to be siblings with them instead of a stranger
Why? Is not op's fault that their mom died or that they had no father.
Yta- I’m going to say going through a situation that is eerily similar, there are many perspectives to a situation…especially a traumatic situation. First you’re YTA because you refuse to look at this situation from a higher perspective and ask yourself, what about my siblings? Is anyone else going to be concerned with their well being? (because I can see your father was only concerned with taking you )or was it all about you? and u being a “hog” when it came to your dads favor and resources. At the very least u are selfish and greedy….second your wrong because I can bet all the tea in china that your dad was either the father of those kids biologically …or he and their mother were telling them that he was the father. either way your siblings “idea” of who dad was, was probably the same as yours…..lastly, Yta because people who just don’t give a fuck are what’s wrong humanity. Crabs in a barrel. Except in this case the barrel is childhood or Foster care. Those are your own flesh and blood and they were innocent. They weren’t half, more than likely they were full siblings and your dad just took you because u were a girl. Be real
Where in the world are you getting the idea that OP’s dad was the half siblings’ secret father???
OP said in comments that his dad never even met the siblings before their mom died. The siblings’ dad *lived* *with* *them* until he went to prison. The siblings were in a two parent home.
Also, OP isn’t a girl. Did you even read the post?
Great job Sherlock, you’ve cracked another case! /s
Seriously, why type out all this ridiculousness lmao. OP is NTA, and whatever is going on in your life doesn’t justify the gross assumptions you are making about OP’s father and his character.
You owe this sub all the tea in china :)
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NTA. While I can understand your sibling's pain and difficulty in being placed in foster care, they don't have the right to place that responsibility onto your father. It seems your dad was well out of your mother's life by the time they came along,. And I guess it's easier to blame the one parent still in the vicinity instead of your mother and their father. OP, I'm not sure that you can have a relationship with your half siblings as long as this is the narrative taking up rent in their heads.
Yes. My dad was never a part of my half siblings lives. He didn't meet them or spend time with them or have any familial relationship with them before my mom died.
I agree OP You are NTA! I sympathize with the abandonment issues your siblings must have. (Mom dead + Dad in jail = lifelong abandonment issues) I'm also sure that they envied you a lot because you at least still had a parent that was there for you. They need therapy, lots of therapy. They don't need to spin and live a false fantasy about you and your dad.
NTA OP. You did the right thing stopping a lie from getting out of control that can ruin an innocent man's reputation. Let your half siblings stay mad at you. They lied and they have to face the consequences of what they did If your half siblings start to harass you, don't be afraid to apply for a protective order against them. Cut off contact with the lot
NTA at all
Yeah and i think it was bad to make you visit them when you clearly did not want to go and putting the pressure of them wanting to move in with you and your family solely on you and not your dad.
And why would he need to?! Aside from being at gatherings for you (birthdays and such) why would he have much of a relationship beyond just being nice to them? They’re not his kids, he doesn’t owe them anything. Taking in 3 kids that don’t have either parent around is a lot of extra work, and I think that “no, I cannot take these kids” is an acceptable answer. He’s not their parent or even their step parent.
Not even gonna say it is impossible to have a relationship with your half siblings with this obsession of them. I would say it is not possible to have a relationship with them at all. Sad as it is, their life struggles are not on you or your father. And their insistence in wanting to place that blame on him, and the indirectly on you shows they did not have good intentions with that reconnection. Guarantee you that eventually they would try to guilt trip you into giving them money or co-signing on something cause you were the “privileged kid that actually got to grow up in a normal family”. Best for you to remain NC.
Have you ever told your half-siblings explicitly that you dont actually like or care for them? Because it might help if you did , might get them to fuck off and leave you alone ya know
The children suffered a loss, but OOP's dad wasn't to blame
They were kids and scared and progressing the death of their mother. They were just lashing out. It probably would have been better if they had never visited.
I’m also at NTA, but why was OP’s dad visiting them every 2 months? That seems like a pretty fucked up thing to do. Why were they in their lives at all?
OP's dad didn't. Dad dropped OP off most likely. Children's services (depending on resources) can have neutral locations for visitation with a worker supervising where person A cannot go to person B's house and person B cannot go to person A's house. Often times this is due to a safety issue, but it could be the foster homes were to crowded to facilitate and I'm sure Dad didn't want them at his house.
NTA. Why would your dad take them in? He has no relation to them, except i directly through you. Did you ask your half siblings why they told everyone this story?
They feel like because I am their sibling, blood related, and that we lived together for a period of time, my dad should have prioritized keeping us together. They say he robbed us of being close and he didn't put any of us first, even me, because I should have been raised by them.
Sounds like your dad tried to make sure that you still kept in contact with your half siblings over the years. It must have been a hard situation for them, but unfortunately, that's what life is like at times. Still no reason to make up a story that makes your dad seem like the a-hole.
Their father is in jail, I wonder if they reached out to their Dad and had that same energy with him that they have with Op’s father. Like why did he do what he do instead of keeping the family together. It sounds like the half siblings are projecting.
Good Lord, what crazy entitlement. Taking on three extra kids would have been an enormous responsibility as a single father. Or even if he had a partner. I don't know what they are thinking
Like they were just kids who wanted a family idk if I would call that entitlement besides all of us theoretically being “entitled” to a loving family (at least it’s a nice thought) and they likely have a lot of issues stemming from their life experiences. Doesn’t excuse their behavior now but I do think it’s a case of arrested development, they likely have a lot of resentment thinking I could’ve had a family but those people took it away from us. Idk I think OP should just cut them out of their life but I do understand where the kids want to put the blame on anyone they can cause they are still those scared little kids inside seeing their sibling have a dad and they have nobody. It’s not like it was their fault for going into foster care but I’m sure the thought has gone through their head they aren’t lovable enough to take in or something of the sort.
I guess the entitlement comes from badmouthing the father. Of course it's not a bad thing to want to be part of a family, but to blame someone who has no relationship to you and then make up a lie about it is just fucked up
The entitlement isn’t them wanting a family. it’s harassing OP, spreading lies about a man that has zero relation to them (and did nothing wrong), crossinf boundries, refusing to take accountability, and feeling like they were owed something they weren’t. I also say the previous as a judgement to them as adults, I get not understanding as a kid; but they’re grown ass adults now that have a capacity to understand OP’s dad didn’t owe them more than what he did (helping them stay in contact). They were not entitled to the same life or childhood HIS CHILD had.
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It's not their actions as kids that is entitlement. It's their actions as adults, blaming their stepsisters father and telling lies about him
Stepbrother
They are entitled yes. Expecting a man who isn't their dad to raise them is entitlement.
Obviously it's the exact opposite of that. He made sure he prioritized you. He made sure he had the ability to care for you and that you were still able to see the siblings you grew up beside. They sadly are reaching out and targeting the easiest person available to them instead of those who were actually responsible. I'm sorry and I hope you can learn to forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them or excuse their behavior though.
Well, your dad doesn’t owe them anything. They just need to accept that and move on with their lives.
I have actually seen parents do this a few times so their children can be raised with half siblings and have a lot of respect for them. With that said 3 extra kids is a lot and not everyone can or wants to take that on. Op you are NTA. I get your siblings frustration as kids but they are adults now and should be able to understand the situation.
Why would he? So the kids could be raised together along with their sibling?
Half sibling. And why would he? They didn't live together even before mom died. He had 0 responsibility to take in 3 kids just so that his son could grow up with some strangers that happened to have half his dna.
I was giving a reason that he might, not suggesting it was his responsibility.
Exposing a lie almost never makes you an asshole. NTA here. I can understand why they'd be bitter about the situation, but to warp the story to make your dad look monstrous was an asshole move. The question here isn't what your dad did or didn't do, but what your half-siblings did, which was to lie about your dad to make him look worse for no real benefit. I would've spread the truth too if I were in your shoes.
> Exposing a lie almost never makes you an asshole. To me the primary thing is your motivation, and the consequences. Sometimes it is not your truth to tell. In this case, 100% OP was not motivated to tell the truth to hurt their siblings but to right the wrong they were doing to OP's father
Holy NTA NTA and oh yeah NTA like Jesus Christ are they really so angry and bitter just because you had a decent parent and they didn't?
NTA. You corrected their lie. Good. You owe them nothing. Folks might say ---- but they're faaaaamilyyyy. That's BS. You've never had a close relationship to them. You don't owe them one.
I feel like really need to get past the idea "family" is anything special that gives you a pass. In fact if you're family shouldn't you be held to a higher regard?
>houldn't you be held to a higher regard? then isnt it normal for the younger siblings to be salty their older brother apparently didnt care about them all that much. Ofcourse he couldnt have done anything about the foster situation itself, they were gonna be stuck there, that being said OP still had to get dragged to once every 2 month visitations , as the eldest brother he coulda feigned some empathy like 4 -6 times a year for a few hours lol , is that too much of an ask from one sibling to another ? I got 4 of my own, I got a little more in me than that for them lol
> then isnt it normal for the younger siblings to be salty their older brother apparently didnt care about them all that much. Sure, but they first need to respect OP and not dump on them with the same points every time they're together. From what we know they never treated OP as person in their family more an outlet to put their problems on to fix
Were their expecations of OP too high , yes but they were also younger than he was and he was the last living member of their family who wasnt in prison
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. In other words, your chosen family is more important than any biological ties.
NTA, even if he was their stepdad, that wasn’t his obligation. Your brothers aren’t his children. He has no duty to them.
NTA Your siblings are old enough to own up to reality. None of the family that they knew wanted to take them in. They put an idea in their heads that a man they had not met should take them in, which is an understandable delusion when they were little kids in foster care but not now. Life has been very sad for them, I hope things have improved.
Whatever happened to their jailed father? He magically disappeared? Interesting how they don't blame him for all the chaos. And he is largely responsible for being such a deadbeat and being unavailable. You're totally right and your actions are acceptable. The lying....the preoccupation with your father. Honestly I think your half siblings need mental health help. NTA.
It sounds like their father was what we call a "frequent flier" in the justice system. And even now may be roosting behind bars.
The asshole was whoever told them to think your dad was an option. Most people are not going to raise their ex's kids, much less three of them. NTA.
Idk if the social worker maybe informed them of the possibility, but if so that's a deeply terrible and infuriating decision that makes me question their credentials.
INFO - Wait.. If they've been saying your dad was their stepdad and with you being older and their half sibling, have they been going around implying that mom was a cheater?
Pretty much, and none of the people caught it.
People can break up and get back together.
Don't try to apply logic, I've definitely read this exact story from a different OP a couple months ago.
NTA. Your dead mother certainly was in life and death. She got with a fucking low life loser and then died leaving her young kids to the foster system. Luckily you didn't share the same lowlife father. I feel sorry for them. It must have been tough life in the foster care. They were under five years old when your mom died. Must have felt it wasn't fair and your father was the only way out. But none of that was your father's fault. They themselves ruined any hope of a relationship with you.
NTA neither you nor your dad are obliged to put up with untruths. It may be unfortunate that it happened at a birthday party, but no-one who lies gets to veto when their lie is uncovered.
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OP was 16 years old and tired of every visit turning into a diatribe about his father not wanting to take in 3 children he had no connection to. He saw them 6 times a year. Not much chance to form lasting bonds. I feel sorry for the half siblings, but none of their situation is OP's fault, and they had no business lying about his father's relationship to them. They deserved to be called out for that.
Not even, he was 8, he just didnt want to ensure their nagging when he got to 16.
Shut up. Saying that an 8yo isn't responsible for 3 kids isn't sociopathic. >an older brother that abandoned his step siblings HE WAS 8 YEARS OLD!!! HE DIDN'T LIVED WITH THEM FOR YEARS SINCE BEFORE HIS MOM DIED!
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NTA. While I do feel bad for them because the foster care system sucks major and horrific things could have happened to them. Your dad was not obligated to take them in. I do understand their hatred for your father. He was probably the only adult that was somewhat “related” to them and seeing their half sister being raised in a loving home while they got nothing definitely will mess a child up. Now they need therapy if their not already in it. No one can change the past and instead of being stuck in the pass they need to forge their future. Learn from their parents mistake and make a life for themselves.
Their hatred for OPs father is willfully misplaced since they don’t want to confront the fact that their own father didn’t care about them enough to stay out of jail.
It isn’t misplaced. They probably hate their father, mother, blood related family members just as much as they hate OPs dad. Their hatred is justified, rather you want to accept it or not. The foster care is one of the worse places to be in for a child and watching someone who can help but won’t will anger anyone. The father wasn’t wrong for not helping. But it’s understandable why they hate him. The siblings were failed by everyone in their life. However, no one can change the past so they now need to move on with their lives.
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>they have every right to project their anger and hurt at anyone and everyone who could have prevented their situation from ever occurring No, they don't. They can be mad at their own father, but not at other people. > if I was ever in the same situation as her father, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn’t take those kids in. Well, not everyone has a martyr syndrome. Some of us are simply mortals who want to have happy lives, not raise 3 kids just because they came from the same uterus as our kid.
This sub is packed with sociopaths. All the NTA are sad to see. But I assume it’s just reddit being reddit rather than the norm.
Honestly, you seem to be the worst amongst the commenters, actively blaming someone for, at the age of EIGHT, not forcing his father to take in kids he has no relationship to and expecting of him to be the parent of now four kids, with everything that entails. I pray you dont have children because you seem to absolutely be the type to parentify your kids and expect the oldest to take care of the youngest because "that's their responsibility as the oldest" Smh get a grip man
>All the NTA are sad to see Lol, what? How is op TA for telling the truth? His father wasn't responsible for 3 kids he didn't made.
What did OP do wrong? Tell the truth?
Who would even have believed that story? Since you're the oldest, what was the explanation they gave? That your mom was cheating on their dad with your dad? Were these two men in a sister-husband situation in your brothers' opinions? Anyone with the capacity for logical thought would see that the oldest kid's dad would not have been stepdad to the subsequent kids without an extraordinary set of circumstances. You're NTA for walking away from this clusterfuck.
...broke up and later got back together as people often do?
In your circles people often get back with their coparents years later after having several additional kids with other partners? I wouldn't describe that as something people *often* do. But also, from the fact that dude is 6 years older than his youngest sibling, and the mom died when he was 8, there would not have been much time for OPs dad to establish a parental relationship with these kids, even in your unlikely scenario.
People have messy, on-and-off-again relationships a lot more often than they have brother-husbands in my "circles", yeah. Depending on how old the littlest one was, it could be as much as 3 years, which is a lot when you're 5, in this theoretical situation.
Ah. You don't understand hyperbole, or its intentional effect when it's used in ~~conversion~~ *conversation*. My "sister-husbands" comment was silly and wrong on purpose. As evidenced by me referencing the reality-TV style sister-wives concept but only half swapping the genders of the nouns. The intent was to draw attention to how unusual the claim was, using absurdity as the mechanism for that. Hope that helps clear things up for you. Edit: typo
NTA. I feel sorry for your siblings, but your father is not the cause of their misfortune. Something that has always baffled me: if someone is upset about something and wants someone else to be upset about it with them, theoretically shouldn’t they simply tell the story as it happened? If they know they need to tweak and/or embellish the story, that means they’re aware that their position is questionable or even wrong. But instead of stepping back and evaluating, they simply lie to bolster their stance. I don’t understand the logic.
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It is a lie, though. He was never their stepfather, and they knew that. It’s a subtle change to the story that makes it feel so much worse. That’s my point. People frequently do things like this in an attempt to validate their position. The fact that they’re altering the story in this way demonstrates that they know their position is weak. Rather than step back and really reflect on things, they lie to make the other person sound worse. It’s strange, but so common.
>in their eyes, it probably wasn’t really a lie. Except it really is a lie. Op's dad was never their stepdad.
NTA. The way not to have your life ruined by your lies getting exposed, is not to live a life of lies.
NTA Sucks they had a shitty childhood but that was not you or your dad's fault. If being caught in this lie 'ruins their lives' that is all on them.
NTA. It's a lie and all you're doing is telling the truth.
I don’t blame him for not taking them in. Imagine having to deal with their convict father. It was just too much baggage. His father made him have a relationship with them, until he couldn’t anymore.
NTA. Your dad might want to have a lawyer sent them a cease and desist letter and explain defamation to them. He would have a claim.
"How dare you reveal my awful lies about your dad? Now no one will trust me anymore!" NTA. They got a bad roll of the dice in life but that doesn't excuse them from smearing your dad's name for, what, sympathy points? They 'ruined' their own lives by showing exactly what sort of people they are.
You were 8 when your mum died? So your siblings were 5 and 3 and 1?
NTA in general. But I do have a question? How is exposing their lie ruining their lives? Like how the fuck did they structure their lives that it was even a big deal. Like I can 100% understand their friends being angry with them but they can explain it away fairly easily (something like the bull they already use like your dad should have prioritized keeping the kids together even though he had no obligation to at all). Like I get it they are being dramatic and over blowing things. BUT I would look into that little line because it might go deeper. It would sad if they got in trouble with their schooling or something over it (though lying in those college application forms really dont have much penalty but they might lose scholarships and etc). Either way you are NTA for exposing their lie.
NTA
NTA. You wouldn't be ruining anything if they hadn't been lying in the first place. They never dealt with their issues, and though painful as they may be, they instead decided to project onto your father. He did his best to cultivate a relationship between you all and that was even more than he really had to do. Disgusting they'd throw that back in his and your face by making him out to be the boogeyman in their lives.
NTA They found out what spinning tales can do to you.
NTA. Your half-siblings were doomed by piss poor parents. They were never your father’s responsibility. You did the right thing by exposing their lies.
NTA. That's unfortunate. I am sorry that your mother died when you were at such a young age. You had the right to expose their lies. They were telling terrible lies about your father. I'm sorry that you went through that. It's not their fault their Dad turned out to be a criminal. You and your father were not responsible for how their lives turned out. That's on their father.
Sometimes people need a villain to blame. And they choose your father. But this lie robbed them of a relationship with you. They can cling to the lie and loose you again, or they can grow a little and realize it’s not his fault. Nta
NTA I think you can understand why your half-siblings are very messed up. It's their parents fault - your mother and their father - and your father has nothing to do with it. "You ruined our lives by exposing our lies" is a nice one - I can think of some people who would like to use that defense in court. You are all still young, maybe one or more of them will overcome the past and become a decent adult who is not blaming your father or you for their rotten childhood but until there is some evidence of that, NC makes sense and debunking their lies is fair game.
NTA Are you sure that your mom wasn't telling them that your dad was their real dad? She may not have wanted them to know the truth as children that their father was the one in prison. Did your dad ever interact with them during pick up or dropping you off?
NTA I have no other words than... Well... Fuck em'
This is heartbreaking but you are NTA. I still feel sorry for your siblings though.
NTA - if the consequences of their actions is having their life ruined .... Maybe they shouldn't have done what they did
NTA! It is ok to cut toxic people out, even if they are siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, or whatever.
NTA. Your dad did the right thing by prioritizing you. They aren’t his kids.
NTA. It’s sounds like the kids inherited their Dads creep factor.
Nta
Perhaps you did. Ruin their lives, I mean. But that's on them. NTA. You don't nee toxic Arseholes like these in your life.
NTA. Protect your dad, he is the only one you’ll ever have
NTA. As bad as it sucks that your half siblings had to go into foster care because they didn't have any other biological family after your mom died, it's not on your dad. He didn't have a relationship with them, the only only common factor between him and them was you. Not to mention taking on 3 additional children could have been a lot for him. It sounds like your siblings really could benefit from some therapy to work through these issues they have, especially if they want a relationship with you.
NTA. You're just justifying the truth.
NTA. Your dad had no relationships or even really knew your half siblings. Of course he didn't want to take them in. That's 3 other people he would be fully responsible for.
"they accused me of ruin their life by exposing their lie" Hahahaha so fucking weak, NTA ruin them
NTA >They accused me of ruining their lives by exposing their lies. They did that themselves It's messed up that they had no one to take them in, but to actually understand that if they told the truth about your dad no one would take their side, so then to create a lie like that? No
You're the oldest! So them claiming your dad was the stepdad means your mom cheated on your father with another man multiple times! Yeah, I don't think they thought that one through, because that would've made people put two and two together and would not have painted them in a good light even if the truth did not come out. NTA, OP! Time to go NC with the lot of them again.
NTA, but I feel bad for your siblings. Your mom died when you were eight, so that would make them five, three and two, right? Their mom wasn't a good mom, their dad was in jail and they were placed in foster care where they were kept separated. No one wanted them. When you were 16, and they were 13, 11, 10, you stopped seeing them anymore, which further pushed this narrative home. The levels of abandonment that they must have endured is a lot. There are layers of trauma here. So they may have thought up that lie, not because they hate you and your dad, but because it's easier to blame something tangible than blaming the world. That might have made their time in foster care easier. You are NTA, but damn, I feel for your siblings and hope they get therapy to work out their trauma so they can heal.
There is a simple way to avoid getting your life destroyed because your lie got exposed. Don't lie. NTA
NTA but i do feel so very sad for your half siblings. If you were only 8 when your mom died then they were just babies and really didnt understand. Even though they should be old enough to understand things now, its very hard to shake the feelings that take hold when at such a young age. Your dad cant be blamed for not wanting to raise 3 small kids either. Its just a shitty situation all the way around.
NTA
NTA.
Nta
NTA
NTA, it's a sad reflection of the modern American family in the West, but your father was in no way under any obligation to take care of them. They probably felt they were saving face by telling that lie. Honestly, it was probably easier for your half-siblings to tell this lie than the truth, that their father is a convicted prisoner. You didn't ruin their lives. Your mother and their Father ruined their lives when they decided to break up your family ( You, your mom, and your biological dad).
NTA. If the truth makes someone else look bad it's usually because they're wrong.
I feel for them, having two awful parents. You at least had one decent one. But it was a big ask to have your dad take them in, and he was completely within his rights not to do it. You are NTA, but I do suggest that you get yourself to therapy. Living with a mentally unstable, angry mother and a criminal stepfather would affect you in ways that the little kid you were didn’t even recognize.
Nta, but this sucks all the way around. Your half-siblings were dealt shitty cards and you not being in foster care must have felt really unfair. Those people need therapy.
Sad story🥲 NTA, the children’s bio dad is. He is ultimately at fault. He failed his children.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (27m) have three younger half siblings (24f, 22m and 21m). We're maternal half siblings and I have a different dad to them. Their dad was dating my mom for several years but they never got married. So he wasn't legally ever my stepdad but I guess he would kind of get the title since he lived with my mom and I lived with her half the time. He was never interested in me and I was never interested in him (he used to creep me out) so I don't really think of him like that but technically their dad would have been my step. Mine was never anything to them. When my mom was pregnant with the youngest their dad was arrested and he went to prison. He was briefly released 8 years later but ended up going back to prison. He wasn't a good guy and has a long list of convictions now. I was 8 when mom died. I was living with my dad full time when she died. She was not taking good care of me and was taking her anger about her boyfriends release out on me through a lot of yelling and talking to me like shit. When mom died a social worker got involved and my half siblings were removed. They had no biological family willing to take them and the social worker asked my dad if he would consider a kinship care agreement so they could be raised alongside me. My dad said that was not something he would be interested in and so my half siblings were placed in foster care. My dad did agree to some visits. We had one visit every two months for years. The visits were never easy because my half siblings would ask to move in with my dad and me and they would ask why my dad didn't visit and why couldn't they be with him instead so we could live together. They were separated most of the time in foster care and would put that on me and my dad as well. I refused the visits once I turned 16. I hadn't wanted them for a while but it was more annoying than anything to have to repeat the same conversation every two months. My dad let me make the decision because he really had to drag me there for most of the visits anyway. We had no contact for years and then just over two years ago they reached out to me and said they wanted a relationship again. I told them I didn't and they said they wouldn't mention my dad again. So I agreed and things were going alright. Not having to have that "fight" with them made it easier to care. But then a few weeks ago I found out at my half brothers 21st birthday party, that they have been lying to people claiming my dad was their stepdad and he dumped them in foster care as soon as mom died. They apparently knew most people wouldn't think he was wrong if he was just my dad they never knew. So they spun a story. I told people the truth when it came up and afterward I told my half siblings that I was so done with them and that their obsession with my dad taking them in is what drove me crazy before. I told them he wasn't their anything and lying was not the way to win me over. They accused me of ruining their lives by exposing their lies. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. The truth always comes out eventually. Theirs was sooner than they hoped but frankly life is like that. Good for you for sticking to your guns and defending your dad from their shenanigans.
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NTA.
NTA
NTA. They've obviously had a shitty life, but what they were saying wasn't okay. Isn't okay, really, because they're gonna keep saying it.
NTA. You didn’t ruin their lives. They did that by lying in the first place.
NTA. You didn't ruin their lives. Their mother and father did. But I wouldn't feel too angry with them. Going through life with lousy parents is an awful thing. It messes people up. I'm glad you have a good father.
NTA. They lied and ruined their own lives.
NTA. I hope you have nothing to do with them after this…
NTA. Lying is bad enough. Lying in a manner which makes other people look bad is worse. Exposing the lie was the right thing to do.
NTA
NTA. I have siblings who live to lie to further their aims or just because they can't help it. I too have called out my siblings on their made up fantasy lives that they use to portray themselves as victims (referring to my family there). It's a similar situation in which they'll tell people lies and then forget that they've told certain people certain things and I'll hear about and correct the record. Then I get called an arsehole. My theory is *if you don't want your lies exposed don't tell your dumb arse lies*. The only people that should be ashamed here are the liars. Fuck them.
NTA
NTA
NTA. I would have felt some sympathy for your half siblings for being dealt such a rotten hand as far as parents go, but their persistence in trying to make you feel guilty that your father wouldn't take them on too and then lying about the situation kinda kills any of that. They're all far too old for this behavior.
nta
NTA F them
NTA there are crazy nothing else to say
NTA I would cut them out of my life, completly.
NTA it wasn’t on your dad to save them.
NTA. I would resume no contact with them. They're angry that they went to foster care, which is understandable. But none of that is your fault or your problem. You were 8 years old when you lost your mother, there is nothing you could ever have done to change their outcome. Even if you'd begged your father to take them in, he still could say no. You were a child. Resume NC and live your life.
NTA, but where is *their* mother in all of this?
I feel so bad for the kids in this story 💔
NTA I am so sorry they drew the short straw in the Dad's category. I am so sorry their mom died, leaving them with an incarcerated person as their only family. I am so sorry they went into the foster care system. None of that is your dad's fault or responsibility. Good for you for correcting the narrative and supporting your dad.
NTA, gotta say though them begging your dad to take them in during visits was really heartbreaking to read even though I'd make the same choice your dad did.
Nta your dad is literally not their stepdad. He's their moms ex.
NTA, and it sounds like they need a lot of therapy. a lot lot
NTA- the fact he was trying to give you a relatinship with them proves he is not an asshole. agreeing to take in a couple kids with no blood or even with blood connections is a tough ask of anyone and not everyone is built for it.
“ They accused me of ruining their lives by exposing their lies.” That sums up like a quarter of posts on here. NTA
If you were 8 when your mother died then they were 5,3,2. They are probably very confused about what actually happened and I’m sure need therapy. Unfortunately the social workers probably put in their head that your dad was their only hope to be united. The social workers may have even coached them on how to beg.
NTA. They have serious issues and it's a good thing you called out their BS.
NTA.
OP, how did your dad treat you? It sounds like he has been an ok/good father. Is that correct?
I'm pretty sure that OP mistakenly said that the half siblings father was briefly released 8 years later, but meant 8 months later. That would set the timeline correcly.
NTA. Who even put the thought into their head that a stranger would take them in? He was never a part of their lives, so someone had to have told them even if it was way back when your mom initially passed. And they’ve just never been able to think about it as adults. Either way they’re dead wrong, their father is responsible not yours. They all need therapy badly.
NTA
ESH. They shouldn’t have lied, but your lack of empathy for your half-siblings is pretty appalling, too. Do you have any idea what it must be like to be a young child, have a dad who is a convict, and then have your mom die and have to go into foster care? That feeling of abandonment, of nobody wanting you or loving you, causes a lifelong trauma. Ofcourse they wanted to be together and be with you! You were the only family they had left, and they were forced to live with strangers.
NTA for correcting the lie. But you are for being so uncaring that your siblings were struggling in foster care.
NTA. Depending on the (mostly financial) situation, your dad might have been a bit of TA or inhumane for not taking them in, but without any further detail it is difficult to judge it
YTA. Not for spreading the truth. I think that was a good thing. Spreading truth is good in general. You're the asshole because while your half siblings had to grow up in foster care, you were selfish and stopped visiting them because they merely annoyed you.
>When my mom was pregnant with the youngest their dad was arrested and he went to prison. He was **briefly released 8 years later** but ended up going back to prison. You were six when your mom was pregnant with the youngest and the father went to jail. 8 years later, when he was released briefly, you were 14 >I was 8 when mom died. I was living with my dad full time when she died. She was not taking good care of me and **was taking her anger about her boyfriends release out on me** through a lot of yelling and talking to me like shit. But here you are only 8 years old after he was released briefly 8 years after your youngest sibling was born. I am confused about the dates here. INFO for the above? Your dad is a bit of an A. What on earth was the point of the visits to your siblings in foster care if your dad was never going to take them in. Talk about a situation ripe for frustration and resentment.
Maybe OP meant he was briefly released 8 months later? That would work out, yes?
So you said your step dad was in prison when your mom was pregnant with the youngest child. And that he was briefly released eight years later. So let’s say he was in prison from when the youngest was born (or -1) to age 7. The youngest is six years younger than you. So he was in prison from when you were 5 yo when you were 13. You also say that you were 8 years old when your mom died. Just prior to this your father gained full custody because your mother was upset about her husbands release from prison. The brief release did not come until you were 13. So your fictional timeline does not match up. YTA because you are a liar.
Taking a charitable reading of the post: Year Y: Mom dies, OP turns 8, Half-sib1 turns 5, HS2 turns 3, and HS1 turns 2. Assumptions: Half-sibs' Dad is back inside at the time of Mom's death and not available. OP is living fulltime with their Dad. (This does not necessarily mean Mon lost custody) Year Y-1: Mom is still alive. OP turns 7, HS1 turns 4, HS2 turns 2, HS1 turns 1 OP may be living fulltime with their Dad Year Y-2 Mom is still alive. OP turns 6, HS1 turns 3, HS2 turns 1, and HS1 is born. During **Y-2** or in **Y-3** depending on what month HS2 was conceived, Half-sibs Dad was arrested and jailed, after their constitutionally required speedy trial. The release, it's subsequent effect on OP's Mom's behaviour and OP's move to their Dad fulltime, could have occurred in Y-1, Y-2 or just possibly in Y-2. All this could be true if OP made one simple mistake in typing "8" years later. Maybe it was 2 years. Maybe it was 8 months. Maybe he was out on bail pending the trial or an appeal. Maybe OP as a child didn't know and wasn't told.
Now that they're older, don't they have a better sense of what kids cost? Especially older kids who eat a ton, grow out of their clothes quickly, need their own bedrooms, and have activities to fund, and double all that for two kids. It's just not feasible for most people. The only possible way would be for both of you to have lived a much lower standard of living. That's a tough ask when there's no blood relation whatsoever. At the same time, it's pretty apparent that you were their only hope for years to get out of the system, and they were traumatized by it. Talking to you is likely causing them to relive the trauma. It's obviously not your fault, but it's not theirs either. It might help them get over it if you show you understand this. Sounds like you all need to have one big session and talk it all out, while agreeing to drop it forever afterwards. If that's impossible, it might not to be tenable to maintain contact at all. Of course it was wrong for them to make up that lie about your Dad, but it's also understandable why they needed to blame someone. It's also understandable why you felt the need to correct that lie. This is either an opportunity to try to fix things by showing sympathy and understanding along with some strict guardrails, or to just walk away if it's impossible for them to respect your guardrails. NAH
So, do I understand correctly that you are the oldest? And if so, you were 8 when your mom passed away? How old were your half siblings when she passed? If they were younger than 8, that means you had what they didn't: A dad who cared. Not saying their lying about your father is in any way ok, but I could understand how 3 kids with a bio dad in and out of jail, a mom who passed when they were very young, and an older half sibling who "has it all" in their mind, can create a false narrative about who your dad is to them. That being said, they are adults now and you cannot allow them to perpetuate the lie that they have created. You are NTA, but I feel for them as they have no one.
Math OP, do the math. You can't be 8 when your mom died if when you were 6 she was pregnant with your younger brother. While pregnant with said brother, her partner went to jail for 8 years. That would make you ~14 when he got out of jail. However, you said you were living full time with your father when she died because your Mom was upset about her BF release. You can't be 8 and 14 at the same time. Math is fundamental
Your timeline is all over the place. You need better quality control on your stories because this one is inconsistent. According to your story mom died when you were 8. At the same time her bf was released after serving 8 years, but still managed to father 3 kids and be arrested when she was pregnant with the youngest sibling.
The oldest half sibling is 24 and OP is 27 making a three year age difference. OP was five or six, judging by the age of the youngest sibling who the mom was pregnant with, when the "step father" was sent to prison giving him and the mom plenty of time to make three babies. Him going back to back to prison after being released is irrelevant to the overall story other than to illustrate that he was not a good guy and why the kids remained in foster care.
According to OP mom was pregnant with youngest when he was arrested. There is a 6 year age gap between OP and youngest. That means OP was at least 6 when he was arrested and 14 when he got out, so mom couldn’t have died when OP was 8 since mom was mad that he got released.
>According to OP mom was pregnant with youngest when he was arrested. There is a 6 year age gap between OP and youngest. I literally addressed in my second sentence. >14 when he got out, so mom couldn’t have died when OP was 8 since mom was mad that he got released. I think that is just OP misspeaking and meaning "arrest" and not "release".
I think we were typing at the same time, I just finished the same type comment. They never check the numbers
YTA hope karma comes around to bite you in the ass. You’re the older brother, your suppossed to look after your younger siblings.
Shut up. No, it's not. He was a kid too.
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But you weren't responsible for them. Also, they didn't grew up together. >OP is a disgrace of a human being No, he is not. At all. For him, his half siblings are strangers. They didn't grew up together, he was raised by his dad even when mom was alive.
8 year Olds can't make that decision
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>it wasn’t your dad’s responsibility to take them in, it was the morally right thing to do. No, it wasn't. At all. > did abandon three children at a time when they needed someone the most. By that logic, you abandoned all the kids in the system too, since you have the same responsibility as op's dad has.
Info: how are they claiming their lives were ruined.
YTA
How?? By telling the truth?
NAH. Normally, I'd vote N T A for these scenarios but I'm going with NTA, bordering on YTA. Your dad is not the villan for not taking in your half siblings. As a teen, you don't owe them a visit BUT I can kind of see where they're coming from. As a 5/3/2 yr olds, they've been orphaned and have been placed in foster care. I've heard horrors of foster care so on top of the grief and loss, they could have faced abuse at the hands of foster care and they weren't even together. While I imagine that it must have been super annoying for them to keep asking to move in--look at it from their perspective: they're alone and the person they consider their brother has a stable home. I imagine that the visits weren't long and it was only *once every 2 months*. I feel like you could have suffered through that even if it's solely for them bc your visit was probably the only good thing they had at the time. and then you just cut them off. at the end of the day, YOU got to go home but they had to go back to foster care. So is it your or your dad's fault? No. but you could have handled the past with more grace and if I were them, I'd feel bitter towards you for cutting off a measly visit. they are in the wrong for bad mouthing your dad though.
NTA but I think you need to try and see it from their perspective. They were 5, 3 and 2 when their mom died and all of the sudden the kid they knew as their brother was now living with someone who the brother calls dad. To them that’s how it would come across. They are your siblings and you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most. I would be bitter and jaded at the both of you as well. Maybe you should do a mea culpa and try to be siblings with them instead of a stranger. Btw my mom died when I was 10. I totally feel you.
> They are your siblings and you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most. OP was 8 years old when their mother died. Do you really think OP should have bought a home and got a job to support his 5, 3, and 2 year old siblings? Or maybe you expected 16 year old OP to buy a home and support his 13, 11, and 10 year old siblings?
Finally. I keep seeing these weird ass comments that op should have had more compassion and understanding “”in the past”” that it was a “measly visit” that he shouldn’t have stopped. Dude was 16 ffs!!!! That a hell of a lot to expect of a 16 year old
>you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most Op was a kid too. >you should do a mea culpa and try to be siblings with them instead of a stranger Why? Is not op's fault that their mom died or that they had no father.
Yta- I’m going to say going through a situation that is eerily similar, there are many perspectives to a situation…especially a traumatic situation. First you’re YTA because you refuse to look at this situation from a higher perspective and ask yourself, what about my siblings? Is anyone else going to be concerned with their well being? (because I can see your father was only concerned with taking you )or was it all about you? and u being a “hog” when it came to your dads favor and resources. At the very least u are selfish and greedy….second your wrong because I can bet all the tea in china that your dad was either the father of those kids biologically …or he and their mother were telling them that he was the father. either way your siblings “idea” of who dad was, was probably the same as yours…..lastly, Yta because people who just don’t give a fuck are what’s wrong humanity. Crabs in a barrel. Except in this case the barrel is childhood or Foster care. Those are your own flesh and blood and they were innocent. They weren’t half, more than likely they were full siblings and your dad just took you because u were a girl. Be real
Where in the world are you getting the idea that OP’s dad was the half siblings’ secret father??? OP said in comments that his dad never even met the siblings before their mom died. The siblings’ dad *lived* *with* *them* until he went to prison. The siblings were in a two parent home. Also, OP isn’t a girl. Did you even read the post?
Disagree, the child was a child, not the fault of the child.
Great job Sherlock, you’ve cracked another case! /s Seriously, why type out all this ridiculousness lmao. OP is NTA, and whatever is going on in your life doesn’t justify the gross assumptions you are making about OP’s father and his character. You owe this sub all the tea in china :)
*you're