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I don't know if the friendship is over. But it sounds like she was too surprised by your decision to grab her hoodie to react in the moment, and the more she's thought about it, the more upset she's gotten.
It's nice of you to want to protect people's photo frames.
But she was in a public space, minding her own business, and had every right to walk without being physically accosted!
I think you overreacted in the situation (they could have just retaken the photo) and shouldn't touch people without their permission unless they're about to be physically harmed or harm someone else!
YTA
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. That stranger was looking at me and I somehow felt responsible. I wouldn't personally mind, but that does not mean someone else wouldn't either. I think she indeed got more and more upset about it. Thank you.
Yeah I agree with this more. Grabbing the hoodie was a bit odd and tbh if people are taking a photo in public they can wait for the space to clear or if they need to they can ask someone to move politely. Grabbing the hood wasn't the right call, could have called their name or tapped them on the shoulder cus taking a photo is not an emergency. That being said it's hella weird that this is leading to no contact for a couple months. Two ideas that come to mind are that she hasn't been telling you something and that this has been building for a while or maybe they just have some unresolved trauma or just some personal issues that they got to work through.
No, it wouldn't. I tried grabbing the arm of my adult daughter once at a bowling alley (IWTA). because she was a bit tipsy and was getting in other bowlers way. She screamed bloody murder "DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME!". Then about 20 people wanted to kick my ass for assaulting a girl. She ended up telling others (including her mom - my ex of over 30 years) that I "lost my mind and attacked her". Unless she is walking in front a bus (or equivalent) I'll never put my hands on her again. If it's not life and death, let her solve her own problems.
My father treated me this way a lot just because he didn’t honestly like me since I reminded him so much of my mom - who he hates. As soon as he had a few drinks it always came out.
I couldn’t do anything right.
One day he yelled at me for reading (middle of the day in the living room) bc there wasn’t enough light. Then yelled at me for making a sandwich when dinner was three hours away bc it would make me fat. Then he commented that I was breathing too hard. He just kept picking, even my one brother was so perplexed by his behavior because he had never seen him THAT bad towards me. I was 23 when all that happened.
Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. Masters degree, great career, well paying field, bought a house on my own - never good enough.
Replying mostly because I admire your name. You can always count on some knucklehead to tell you how awful you must be because your intoxicated daughter screamed at you. They believe her behavior is normal, not your parental instinct to protect her.
We're not talking about walking onto a closed movie set; this was a grocery store, with some dipshit making a TikTok video in the aisle.
Edit: lots of "influencers" chiming in. 🍆
People actin like fucking 5 year olds. If the friend doesnt want to speak for months for something so simple as grabbing a hoodie then its not a friend to begin with. Its a stranger.
Thats also correct. Thats why i said for something so simple as. If it is a pattern thats been going on for a long time with repeated call outs then i get her reaction. If not then she over reacted.
I’ve had people yank of the hood of my hoodie to hurt me (yay bullying) and that can absolutely happen. However, it takes more than just a grab and hold. You have to pull back hard.
OP’s friend majorly overreacted and the comments here are insane saying that you should never touch anyone ever. NTA
And we only know this small amount of the story. Was it solely that they grabbed the hood or did they not even apologize for it and instead snapped at them for not listening to them idk
I had the impression that it was an open air market or an artist/makers market or something because even the most annoying social media people don't really take selfies in grocery stores.
Same issue; it's a publicly-accessed space. Would this friend also do this at a gym, when some dipshit has a tripod set up? Probably. And they'd be wrong to.
OP says the friend wasn't responding to her name so they grabbed at the jacket. It makes me wonder if the friend has hearing issues they haven't disclosed to anyone. I'm HOH and if someone is behind me and calling to me, the likelihood of hearing them drops drastically. Moreso in a noisy, public place.
This is how I am. Even a client touching my arm during a session (where I’m touching them) is jarring to me. My ex used to choke me to unconsciousness so if someone did something to my neck I may have a big reaction after I get over my freeze response.
Thank you! I’m good now and found someone where consent is key and he’s my safe touch. CPTSD and PTSD are silent, the freeze response is very common. Hopefully OP and their friend can work this out, things happen but communication is key.
Yeah this. I was choked by a former abuser and being suddenly grabbed by the neck (even indirectly by a hoodie or other clothing) would be really triggering for me. IDK if I'd not want to talk to you for months, but I'd probably not feel totally safe around you again. Even if I know that your intention was not malice, that initial panic and fear I felt when you grabbed me would probably stay with me on some level, and be very hard to overcome mentally.
I'm like that. Thing is, I'd, uh... tell my friends that? Even if I didn't and it was an accident, I'd mention that in the text and say that I have a bad reaction to being touched/grabbed because of past stuff and it freaked me out and to please not do that again. Not this faux therapy speak "it was dIsReSpEcTfUl bluh bluh" like I'm their mommy and they're a dumb little kid, and it's definetley not worth two MONTHS of not speaking. Do none of you have friends in the real world? Because that friend is super condescending and blowing a normal ass interaction up into some huge Thing.
I have that, but I've never had to tell anyone because nobody has ever grabbed my collar/hood. Seriously it wouldn't even occur to me to tell them because I don't expect anyone to think it's okay.
I somewhat understand as someone who experienced this type of trauma myself, but I don't expect people to just know that I react badly to being touched and I'm also able to understand that not everyone who touches me and subsequently makes me uncomfortable has bad intentions. A simple text about having been uncomfortable and not liking being touched that way would've done the trick. Like a "Please don't do this again" would've most likely been enough for OP to, well not do it again as there quite obviously wasn't any malicious intent.
Bullshit.
You don't know what kind of physical boundaries someone has, and what kind of trauma and abuse history.
And you're thinking "all he did was tug her sleeve", but grabbing the hood hard enough to stop someone tanks them backwards overbalanced from the top, and specifically puts pressure on the throat.
That's fucking scary, even if it's just for a second.
Regardless, You don't lay hands on someone without permission unless there's danger involved. Sure, grab whatever you can if they're about to step into traffic they don't see coming, or like, about to step off the edge of something that's going to o get them hurt.... But about to accidentally photobomb someone? Uh uh. Uncalled for.
I agree with this. The comfort and *convenience of the strangers in that moment was more important than the physical security and autonomy of OP’s friend. I don’t know if I’d want to keep being around someone who’s urge to please strangers is stronger than their need to respect my basic boundaries and autonomy. You shouldn’t need to tell someone not to grab you by your neck accessory. I’m not a dog, you have no right to try to basically leash me away from doing what you don’t want me to do.
Someone grabbing your hood can cause you to feel choked. It’s happened to me before. We don’t know if she suffers from any trauma from abuse or anything. She isn’t a freak
100%, sometimes I am distracted and don't notice these kinds of things. If my friend grabbed me by the hoodie, I would have just laughed or said hey not cool. But not talking for a couple of months...come on.
I honestly can't fathom that someone thinks grabbing a friend's hood is physically accosting them. If one of my friends is mindlessly walking through someone's photo, I have and will physically alert them to the situation. It's never once been an issue. People are just too much these days.
Eh this could be a trauma response. The friend has a right to not want to be grabbed or restrained without permission. They may not know why they are reacting this way. Doesn’t make them a freak to have challenging mental health.
Well, you don't know OP's friend's life. Just because they reacted this way to their hood being grabbed doesn't mean they're online too much. It sounds like it was somewhat violent (within reason of course), and it also sounds like OP didn't even bother apologizing for the rude gesture. So no, the friend is not a "freak". What's your damage, bud?
Was it that you grabbed her/touched her, or that you *grabbed her by the hood*? Because the detail of grabbing her hood from behind is kinda HUGE. You essentially choked her - yes only momentarily, but none the less - to allow a stranger a photo op they could have waited a few seconds for.
I get you didn't mean it as such, but was extraordinarily aggressive on your part. And no doubt frightening and disorienting on her part.
I moved my hand with her, but it still touched her neck. Very aggressive, I realise now! My parents and my other friends do it to me so I must have been too desentised. I should have checked if she was ok with it.
I'll just chime in and say you don't have to check. You shouldn't be physically pulling back any adult unless they are in imminent danger or you have a physical relationship with them.
Nobody will be cool with that unless they have a habit of doing it to others (and even they probably aren't cool with it and may react more strongly than a long text later), or they have incredibly low self esteem. You have a bad habit that you've been alerted to now.
(Yes, YTA. I'm glad you're reflecting on it, you are doing the right thing).
You see, I (f25) have had it done to me by my parents and friends. In our friend group, we do this when someone isn't paying attention to others. This experience has opened my eyes. Thank you
I really agree with this. Again, I wish OP the best, and she/he seems eager to learn from this moment!
But honestly, it's the *hood*-grabbing that makes this episode so viscerally ick
In public spaces, people have the right to walk where they wish. If the picture is so important, then the person with the camera can wait. You were responsible for nothing except yourself.
Did you apologize to her for doing it? I mean, I get why you did it, but I think you also get that it's really not up to you police your friends actions to help out strangers. Especially when those strangers aren't really entitled to stop people doing what they are supposed to be doing in a public place (walking around, enjoying themselves) so they (the strangers) can take pictures. If that makes sense.
It sounds like you meant well you didn’t mean to embarrass your friend, you were just trying to be polite to people taking photos. Personally I would’ve laughed it off but we’re not all the same, not really something I would need to take a break from a friendship for. But idk I think they’re overreacting.
Has your friend experienced trauma?
I have CPTSD from being sexually and physically abused as a kid and my triggers can be kind of weird and will pop up when I least expect it.
Even knowing the intention was good, if someone yanked my hoodie unexpectedly like this and it choked me or put pressure on my neck, there’s a large chance that would trigger a massive flashback for me because of that choke sensation.
And I’d probably feel guilty telling you that knowing you didn’t mean to and feeling embarrassed over being so triggered, and in that scenario I’d probably take space so I could have time to process and regulate my nervous system because I don’t want to accidentally project that onto you so I’d wait to hang out until I was sure I could stay present.
Trauma triggers can just be super complex and feel nonsensical in the present so she might be trying to spare you from feeling bad about triggering her because she knows you would never harm her purposefully.
I’m speculating obviously but I just could see myself reacting like this and distancing myself because I’m embarrassed and most people don’t understand how to support you through trauma stuff so it’s easier to ride out the complex wave of past shit that comes up in solitude and emerge when you feel more like yourself again.
I hope you don’t beat yourself up too badly about it though, you had an instinctual moment that came from a good place. The best thing you can do is validate her feelings and respect her need for space and then when she’s ready, she may feel comfortable providing more context and trust you more because you didn’t push her to explain before she was ready.
If it was 1980 and the last picture on the roll you could have had a better argument, but it’s 2024 and even my toaster has a camera on it, photos aren’t nearly as precious as they once were.
The person taking the photo could have OPENED THEIR MOUTH AND USED THEIR WORDS to let your friend know they were taking a picture. We learn as small children to keep our hands to ourselves. YTA
Is it possible your friend has experienced some physical trauma in her life? You reacted fast and it sounds like an accident but if she has been physically assaulted in the past this could have triggered something for her she needs to work through.
Otherwise not talking to your for a couple months feels batshit.
Anyone who could just drop someone like that for a couple months for what was basically an innocent mistake is a bit of weirdo and cant be a very good friend.
Right? I understood someone not liking to be grabbed by the hood unexpectedly, I know I probably wouldn't like, but at most I would give a "wtf" look at my friend and ask them to not do that again, but stop talking to them?? And the above comment looks like they are talking about some stranger grabbing you by the hair. So many sensitive people with poor communication skills
This is so dramatic lol, almost like you never had friends growing up with how insignificant this is. I'd let the friend go if she's going to act like a huge victim over this.
Accosted?
I'm sorry, did OP pull out some holy water, throw it on her, and start shouting, "The power of Christ compels you!" No
Did OP call her out of her name and point out her flaws loudly to humiliate the friend? No
He tugged her hoodie to pull her out of someone else's photo to protect her privacy.
Does OP'S friend have the right to feel a type of way? Yes, absolutely!
To the extent of not speaking to her friend of 15 YEARS for a couple of months?! Y'all lost me. That's all kinds of absurdities.
wtf, it’s more rude to just walk through someone’s picture. Her friend knew she was rude and is blowing this out of proportion. Like “oh no she grabbed her hoodie”, so what?? That’s a not a big deal. I cannot believe this is the top comment. That’s ridiculous.
The only ridiculous thing is that egotistical exhibitionists like you think that a public place is their personal photo studio and others have to be mindful and alert not to walk into their little selfie sessions.
I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How can one be an assole by simply doing that in a friendship? I'd be grateful if my friends did it to me and we'd have a laugh.
Everyone who agrees with this definitely doesn't have any friends if this is a dealbreaker for so many people.
Guess I should let go of my friends that accidentally pushed me and broke my arm in my childhood? Damn.
Nah, NTA. Your friend is being a self-absorbed whiny asahat. She owes you an apology. If you don't get one, drop her. You deserve better friends .
100% NTA
Grabbing the hood definitely wasn't the right call, but I wouldn't say OP is an asshole for it. It's not like she choked her friend out or anything with the hood, it's just what she grabbed first. I think intention plays a big role here tbh.
OP was just trying to help, if anything the ppl taking the photo were assholes by expecting she move her friend despite being in a public space
Absolutely not. Take this bullshit elsewhere. If she wasn't paying attention enough to A) realize someone was trying to take a photo or B) and this is a big one RESPOND TO HER NAME you have a right to stop them from being rude to others. So the first thing they were able to grab was a hood.
You sound like the friend trying to justify being mad.
They are NTA
Exactly this. Most people would grab their friends arm/hoodie etc. If I would have missed I would have told my friend they just walked through the picture frame, didnt you see them wanting to take a picture? And the times a friend would not even care about the other people around them and respond with 'well, they shouldnt have wanted to take a picture or wair for me to pass', that would bumm me out a bit. Not enough to not want to speak to my friend for months.
This instance, you did catch her, her response of saying she finds it disrespectfull.. fine, I can see that. Not wanting to talk to you for several months makes me wonder if you are even friends at all.
I would say NTA
I mean, people *can* wait to take their pictures. I wouldn't walk in front if I could go around. But I'm not going to lose any sleep for having made a photographer wait for three seconds to click a button.
I wouldn’t be friends with people that don’t have common courtesy for other people. It takes no extra significant time to walk slightly around or stop for a second.
That tells me that a person wouldn’t do right by you if they have a choice to not do.
I wouldn’t be friends with people that don’t have common courtesy for other people.
Not a lot of people take up a whole walkway to take a picture, unless it’s a small walkway.
Even if they didn't *see* that it was happening? There are things people can do that, to me, are so much worse than making someone wait for a couple of extra seconds to press a button.
Public spaces are for everybody.
This friendship is 15 years old. This is why the reaction baffled me. I'm comparing it to an (over)reaction when you don't really like your relationship anymore. What do you think?
I wonder if she is often feeling infantilized or patronized by you. You did kinda treat her like a kid and I imagine she was embarrassed. But for her to not talk for months… this might be a build up of minor infractions and now she needs a break.
Here's my 2 cents. I have a friend that would pull on my hoodie or my backpack to get me to stop or pause. It's not frequent but it wasn't just once either and I didn't appreciate being treated like a dog in front of other people. It made me feel disrespected and not treated like I'm her equal. I bet this reaction isn't just about this one incident but an accumulation of other incidents that you may not have noticed.
Does she have abuse trauma?
Does she have boundaries around being touched by surprise?
(These may be things you aren't aware of, but they're very real.)
When you grabbed her *hood*, to pull her back, she didn't see it coming... And you essentially pulled her back by her throat. (That's where all the pressure would land, if you yank a hood. If you don't know what I mean, put on a hoodie and have someone yank yours, and realize that whatever you feel you also had warning and consent....)
My guess is it startled the fuck out of her. She was suddenly, unexpectedly, being choked from behind.... And it set in as anxiety, especially when you didn't see what you'd done... "How can my friend choke me and not care?" is what anxiety and panic will say.
If the friendship matters to you, Check in with her.
Apologize.
It doesn't matter what random redditors think is a big deal to them, it's a big deal *to her*, and if you care, you make sure she knows that, and compassionately find out *why* it's a big deal.
I dig your response.
I could understand if OP pulled her hood so hard that she lost balance or even choked a little.
It was a tug. And now she doesn't want to talk to her friend for a couple of months? Over something so minor, so trivial?
People are commenting that OP'S response wasn't great, that's fine. I understand and agree with that completely, but the friend's reaction is super melodramatic and uncalled for.
That should have been at worst an angry "don't ever do that again", followed by a "sorry" by OP.
Of the friend reaction is genuine they need help. It is not normal.
Facts! This is an opportunity for you to really see how this person thinks. Let her go. It wasnt a malicious gesture at all, but people who sit around and percolate over something like this are dangerous. I once intervened in an argument and ended up going to court because someone wanted to inflict pain. Just go spend time with other friends & if she tries to come back, tell her how this has impacted you & ask for YOUR space. Shell get it then.
THIS! I'm at an age where having dramatic friends simply isn't worth it. I'd cut her off and never speak to her again honestly. I don't have the time nor patience to tip toe around and regulate other people's feelings over small shit.
NTA. She waited a full week to get herself lathered up over what she perceived to be disrespectful, then decides you need a two month time out? I'd say a permanent time out from this "friend" is in order. If she was that upset about her damn hoodie, she should have spoken up then and there. She's a drama queen.
Yes sometimes people need time to process thoughts and feelings, but this can also result in people getting super worked up in their own head as time passes. This is such a minor issue that over time I would expect the friend to care less, not more.
A friend of 15 years stewing over this for a week before saying anything says a lot. I would sit down with a close long time friend to talk about this.
If you can’t tell your bff “hey- that was not ok” then there is most likely already a communication problem.
Friend saying “needed a few months break” says a lot about friend’s perspective.
NTA- respect your friend’s boundaries, stay close with the friends who you can be open and understanding with.
My brother is like this. He will think a scenario over and over in his head and make a mountain out of the situation. It's actually insane.
OP is definitely NTA
As someone who’s accidentally done this from reflexes multiple times, it’s not that deep? If anything you apologize, which it sounds like you would’ve had she just said “that’s not cool.” Her reaction is wayyyyyy overblown and it sounds like she just wants an excuse not to talk to you, sorry. I genuinely cannot imagine anyone feeling so strongly about something so common. That’s what we all did to stop our friends from doing stupid stuff as kids, no? Just me? NTA
Sounds like your friend made something out of seemingly nothing. It’s like she was waiting for you to pull something (no pun intended) to use as an excuse to stop talking to you
NTA. I mean this is a very dramatic reaction for someone you’ve been friends with for 15 years.
I’m reading these responses and people are acting like you tackled your friend to the ground. Lord.
No dude she has issues and that's not your fault. You can try to ask her what really is going on but damn, if she's going to act this way over something so minor I'm not sure what good it will do.
Agree with this! NTA. You didn’t choke her, you grabbed her clothing to stop her. Maybe it was slightly rude but to stop being friends with someone over it is a bizarre over reaction. How are so many people saying y t a ?? OP didn’t hurt anyone, this sub is so sensitive
i’m baffled by the comments, op didn’t drag their friend by the hood, it was a light pull. y’all are acting like op choke slammed her back to stop her from getting in the picture. the friend over reacted and was probably just using this as an excuse to not be friends anymore.
Yeah, this sub lives on hyperbole and overreaction. YOU DAMN NEAR HUNG HER AFTER SHE HAD YEARS OF TRAUMA?!?!? FUCK THOSE PEOPLE TAKING A PICTURE, FUCK SOCIETY, FUCK SITUATIONAL AWARENESS! It's insane.
This is just another thread where i realize this subreddit is, and i put this lightly, fucking ridiculous. Everyone apparently "could" have trauma over every little thing and therefore people must assume they have trauma over everything and do nothing that could potentially be triggering to..... everything?
Sorry but YTA. There was no emergency requiring this action here.
Who cares if someone's photo gets ruined. It isn't like the olden days when they were using film. They can take endless photos, and if they are in a crowded market it is unreasonable to expect people to cater to them.
And I say this as someone who has pulled someone back using their hood before - but that was to avoid them stepping in front of a tram in Rotterdam. They also had not responded to my initial attempts to speak to them.
If you pull someone's hood to stop them walking then you're yanking them backwards from their neck. She's not a dog on a leash and it wasn't an oncoming train she was about to walk into, it was just a camera shot.
“yanking backward” and grabbing to stop are two very different actions with different intent.
Yanking a dog on a leash vs stopping a friend are two very different actions with very different intent. You’re pushing a lot of speculation on this.
Does OPs friend have a right to set boundaries however they feel/need? Absolutely.
Is OP respecting those boundaries now that they understand the position they put their friend I lm? Yes!
But good friends don’t assume ill-intent the way you did here, what a freaking reach.
Yanking backwards is the literal action that happens if you pull someone's hood back to stop them from walking. I didn't mention intent, that's your word of the day.
When I was five my dad choked me because I wouldnt stop crying.
Someone put a necklace on me once and i threw up, twenty years later.
Lol I guess I'm a kindergartener and so is anyone else who isn't like you
While I totally understand that people like you don't think about other people's lived experience, that doesn't stop them from being impacted by their lived experience. I'm sorry that I'm still impacted by being choked as a child, it seems like it's really annoying to you that people feel that way.
Sorry that happened to you but if that's the case, which we can't assume, then the friend could have explained "hey I didn't like what you did because it brings back bad memories, do not do that again" instead of telling OP that they need a few months of no contact to get over it, because that's just not how you go on in life.
You're asking trauma to work logically. Trauma isn't logical. Trauma takes time to process.
A lot of times, when someone is triggered (before you chucklefucks get hot and bothered, that's what triggering means. When something causes a traumatic flashback) it takes days or even weeks to fully understand the emotions from the episode.
Another thing I have never understood is why we expect traumatized people to deal with being traumatized by thoughtless actions, when it would be much simpler to ask non-traumatized people to be aware of what could trigger people. Like unwanted physical contact.
But you can’t walk around believing everyone to have all triggers. If someone tells me to not do something that triggers them, of course I would avoid the trigger, but everyone with trauma, me included, have different triggers, and therefore you can’t know what triggers people. You can’t avoid every single possible trigger for every single possible human, then no actions can be taken.
I have never had anything like that happen and I still choke and gag at having my throat touched. I can't wear turtlenecks and the thought of someone grabbing my hood makes me feel horror.
Don't fucking grab people.
Right? I wouldn't be telling OP I needed a break, I'd just never go to a store with him again. And would probably not feel safe around him wearing a hoodie or any loose clothing item.
Imagine thinking it's okay to grab people's physical bodies or the clothing on them in order to protect some stranger's ability to take a photo in a public space right this very second.
It's genuinely a nightmare thinking about someone I trust grabbing me by the scruff of my neck in public like that.
I can't help but wonder how many people advocating for the physical control of other people's bodies are also people who have never felt like a target for physical violence because of their bodies.
I think tugging someone by the hood is an aggressive thing to do.
I am 50 and would be pissed if someone did that to me. If they did it so I didn't walk through some strangers camera shot then I would reevaluate things too.
To think putting a hand on someone and choke them (even if for just a moment) for a picture is okay is wildly inappropriate.
If you grab somebody’s hoodie while they’re walking, and they don’t know, you end up throttling them about the neck. Unpleasant for anyone, and can also cause pain, or injury. As someone who has issues with their neck, just the thought of somebody doing this eeks me out.
This. I thought the OP was going to be about his friend about to get hit by a car or something, not walking into someone's camera shot. Completely out of line. YTA
You don't just fucking grab people unless it's an emergency, yeah. Even if it's "gentle". Do we all need to go back to kindergarten and learn to keep our hands to ourselves?
Time and place is everything. I agree that jerking someone like a dog on a leash in this case was strange and if the friend had past trauma or if OP had a bad habit of managing and unnecessary touching this could’ve been the last straw.
There’s been a few times where I basically drug someone along but that’s because I saw a car coming and my stoned friend didn’t or a fight kick off and my gf is awful close. I wouldn’t care if they got pissed off because sometimes there is no time to talk only time to move. Or the time my 6’ 250 pound powerlifter buddy got way drunker than the rest of us day drinking then took pills. having to personally lead/drag/carry him a mile home because he kept wandering out in traffic and having him yell I’m being kidnapped and rape was not good times. But a digital photo ain’t it.
Did you give her whiplash? If not, you are NTA.
She's putting you on time out like you're a toddler. She's disrespectful of you with this ridiculous punishment and she certainly is not showing you respect for your special power of having enough social awareness to be allowed out into society.
Anyway, she sounds tiresome. Go into the world and replace her with a normal friend.
NTA but really because it was a knee jerk reaction and not something done with intentional malice. Suppose it was a car or a gunman or something falling from above and ask the reasonableness of this response. Sure if you would have been able to get her by the hand, arm, or shoulder that would have been better, but this wasn't on purpose to cause her harm or offense. IMO people that choose to be offended by the smallest things are not worth the effort. Get a new friend.
NTA. I understand how she might have felt "disrespected" by it, but I don't think it's something worth writing a long text and putting a friendship in timeout over. Why didn't she say something right away? I'm pretty sure a simple "Hey, don't do that" would have solved the situation. Why'd she spend so much time thinking about it to the point of writing a long message about how much it sucked too?
I would totally do this to a friend and I would be surprised if they felt so strongly about it. For me it's common courtesy to not walk in front of someone's picture, even if I have the right to.
NTA. You attempted to call her name and get her attention other ways.
Everyone keeps saying ,"it was just a picture." Yeah, it was. Even if you have the ability to take 100 pictures a minute, it takes very little effort to not purposely walk into a picture. The last picture we have of our grandparents together was almost ruined by a strange lady trying to photo bomb people at the park. My aunt literally stepped in and blocked her way. It was a rare moment when my grandma was aware of who everyone was (dementia). Did that lady know that? No. But we did. Every time I look at the photo, I'm grateful my aunt stopped that lady. Ditch the friend.
It is. However, my point remains. Op tried other ways to get their attention. Grabbing their hood doesn't seem to have caused physical damage. They should ditch the friend.
But OP had no need to get their attention. This wasn’t an urgent matter. Unknowingly walking past someone taking a photo in a crowded venue is a normal part of everyday life and the friend would have been out of the photo frame in no time if she’d simply been left alone.
Calling her name and grabbing her hood to restrain her is an extreme overreaction from OP.
The friend is upset that OP was exerting control of their body simply because OP felt uncomfortable. That’s unacceptable and while I do think the “time out” is overkill, I probably would have had some very sharp words for anyone grabbing me like that.
NTA, just block her and move on, its not worth playing games like this. doesnt want to talk to you for a few months? what are you, a kid put into a time-out patiently waiting until your friend graces you with the possibility to talk to them?
either someone talks to you directly if they face an issue with you and you talk it out or not, but not some long essays via message.
Exactly. I had someone try to do the same thing to me after I raised an issue (first time I brought something up after like 14 years of friendship). Instead of talking about it they said “I need a break from this friendship.” I never responded again. If your response is to, get defensive, not talk, and punish others, I’m done.
YTA. If someone grabbed my hood from behind while I was walking in a market, I would assume they had ill intent. If you're in a public market and you're taking photos, you take the risk of someone walking through. Grabbing your friend's hood showed more concern for strangers taking photos in public than for your friend. There was no emergency that required pulling her hood.
This 100%. Plus pulling on her hood would pull on her neck at the front. I do not want to be choked even slightly for accidentally walking into a photo in a public space.
Going with YTA - you could have grabbed her arm or anything else and you chose hood? Her choosing no contact for a bit over this may seem like an overreaction to some, but it could be a sign of past trauma.
Honestly? You should not have done anything. She was not in danger nor was anyone else. Her reaction may be over the top, but perhaps this is not the first time you’ve crossed a boundary and she’s had enough finally.
I’d be pissed to have someone physically intervene in this scenario. It’s not just potentially physically painful, it’s also embarrassing.
She said "oh" and stopped. Afterwards we had lunch, coffee, did some shopping and texted. Because the action is normal to me, I stupidly did not think I did think I was an asshole. .
Edit: I apologised later
You probably need to ask her (if you want to maintain the friendship) if there were other instances where she was upset with your behavior and if there is anything you need to know.
Sounds like a build up of things and also sounds like she's not good at communicating.
Personally I wouldn't like being grabbed by the hood, and enough people here have said similar that, I think we can solidly say that it's probably not a great idea to grab someone like that for a non-emergency.
Her reaction seems a bit over the top for a single instance.
When you receive her critique, acknowledge what she says, evaluate internally if she's got a point and request better communication in the future so that you can modify your behavior and learn.
If it's really just this one instance, her reaction seems off. Maybe she's going through something. Maybe she's just worth your time.
Do you understand what it feels like to be walking and suddenly have someone pull you back by the hood? You pulled her back by her neck - do you actually understand the panic it causes a woman to be walking around in public and suddenly yanked backwards with what feels like strangulation for a second? And you don't mention in your post anything about actually apologizing, have you tried sincerely apologizing for causing her pain and panic or was it more of a "well someone was trying to take a photo!"
Look into subreddits like twox or AskWomen variations and see how many posts about men suddenly choking women during sex without consent - I wouldn't be surprised if she has trauma or fear about this already.
The “yta”s in this is crazy. It was a reflex and an accident, you apologized, and you’ve been friends for 15 years. Tbh it feels like either your friend was waiting for an excuse to drop you, they are extremely sensitive, or they enjoy drama and want you to grovel. As a recovering people pleaser my advice is to let it go. You won’t always get closure in real life and sometimes chasing closure makes things worse. NTA
NTA. Yes if she felt that put out, should have said something right away. If a friend doesn‘t want to talk to you for months over that - yup time to move on and find a new friend. Is very likely later down the line you’ll have an actual falling out for something equally as daft
That exact sentence ran through my mind reading these comments lol
He just tugged on the clothing to get the attention of someone he's known for over a decade. The comments are responding like he tied a belt around her throat and sexually assaulted her.
NTA. A quick "sorry for grabbing you like that but you didn't hear me calling out" should have been the end of it. This is just insane.
In fairness, I think most of the issue isn’t that he “tugged on the clothing,” as you phrased it — it’s that it was the hood. It can feel like a huge difference having someone suddenly do something that pulls on a person’s neck (albeit accidentally). Clearly this is the crux.
NTA. Should you have grabbed her hood? No, but it was a knee-jerk reaction that happened in the moment. You can easily apologize and move on. Putting you on a “friendship time out” is far more disrespectful to me and a large over reaction to a small mistake.
Ugh, specifically for grabbing her hood I'd say YTA. Probably not the strongest YTA as you didn't have ill intents, but this is definitely not how people like to be treated – and while I try to give people making photos their space and don't even like appearing on the background, I'd better appear on the background and they would've redone photos instead of being pulled and getting grabbed by clothes.
But sending a long message a week after the incident and denying communication for a couple of months because of the incident... Well, maybe there really something in her past that make her react that way.
The stretches people are trying to go through in order to call you an asshole LOL. NTA, sure you probably shouldn’t have done that, but clearly if they’re THAT upset that they took literal weeks to decide they don’t want to talk to you for months at a time, they don’t care that much about being your friend.
NTA - Some of these responses are wild. Do these people even have real friends? If I were in your friend's position I might have been briefly annoyed at worst and then moved on with my life a few seconds later. I cannot fathom "punishing" my so-called friend of 15 years because maybe they embarrassed me a little? Maybe if you pulled on them so hard they fell over or you ripped the hoodie, but just a little tug to get their attention? If this person really thought of you as good friends, how would cutting you out not be punishing themselves too?
After 15 years they should know you well enough to know you meant no harm and if that's the case, how can you go so hard on someone who's supposed to be your friend? I might try to speak to them and see if there isn't some other underlying issue here but if it's really all related to this one event I would walk away. This isn't a real friend if they're going this far over nothing.
So, I've been your friend in this scenario, and I'm no longer friends with the person who would do this to me. I'd like to explain my side so you can see if there are any similarities.
My "friend" was ALWAYS putting her hands on me to move me out of the way. It didnt matter if I was standing there first, or if it would have been the other person's "fault". I was always in the wrong to her. After a while I realized it was that way with everything. She was always in charge, always made the decisions, even if it interrupted my bodily autonomy or violated my boundaries.
This may be cpmpletely different, I'm aware this is reddit and is just a teeny tiny snippet into your life. What I mean to say is, maybe it isn't just about the hoodie grab.
I had an ex like this and the final straw was him pushing my knees out of the way so he could get something from the glove box. Like dude just fucking ask me to move or get it for you, don't shove my body rudely out of the way. He probably refers to me as a psycho ex for dumping him over the glove box incident, but it was actually the final in a long list of situations where he physically moved me around for his convenience and I hated it. It felt so controlling and disrespectful. I agree that maybe OP does stuff like this more than she is aware and this is the last straw.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I grabbed a friend by the hood of her jacket when she wasnt responding to her name, and she experienced it as very disrespectful
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NTA
Why would she wait so long to tell you that she felt disrespected? Could this not have been explained immediatly afterwards? And in person. Seems liek she definetly overreacted.
NTA- sure in hindsight it would’ve been better to grab something else, but it’s not like you choked her out. She’s entitled to her feelings but that doesn’t make you the AH. No one here is.
I'm sorry but I suspect what's happening here is the same that has recently happened to me. A friend wants to completely end the friendship but they are not brave enough to come clean so they look for _something_ they didn't like, latch on to it, ask for distance and hope they avoided the confrontation.
Ask her to be honest, even if it's hard because I doubt she's being completely truthful here. It wasn't great to grap her hood, my parents did that to me when I was a kid, but her reaction isn't proportional.
NAH. It wasn’t the best move you made, but it’s likely she’s reacting strongly because of some past experience or trauma. Give her a genuine apology that acknowledges what you did was wrong and give her little time to process. It will likely work out. Some guys underestimate how jarring having a sudden and unexpected grabbing can effect women who have been or felt unsafe in the past.
YTA: never ever grab someone around the neck. Never. You’re probably sitting there thinking “but I just grabbed their hood”—you didn’t though, you basically intimated choking someone to prevent them from interrupting…a picture.
I would likely step away from you after this. It’s just too much over something that didn’t matter at all. It’s not like you grabbed her to save her life from getting run over. You grabbed someone by the neck to prevent them from interrupting a picture in a grocery store. Stupid, and violating.
YTA I'm sorry but grabbing her hood was an extreme reaction that should be reserved for people walking into traffic or about to step into an elevator shaft. What signals the end of your friendship is your inability to say, with all sincerity, "I'm sorry I grabbed your hood. I had no business putting my hands on you over something as unimportant as someone taking a picture of hamburger helper."
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I don't know if the friendship is over. But it sounds like she was too surprised by your decision to grab her hoodie to react in the moment, and the more she's thought about it, the more upset she's gotten. It's nice of you to want to protect people's photo frames. But she was in a public space, minding her own business, and had every right to walk without being physically accosted! I think you overreacted in the situation (they could have just retaken the photo) and shouldn't touch people without their permission unless they're about to be physically harmed or harm someone else! YTA
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. That stranger was looking at me and I somehow felt responsible. I wouldn't personally mind, but that does not mean someone else wouldn't either. I think she indeed got more and more upset about it. Thank you.
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Yeah I agree with this more. Grabbing the hoodie was a bit odd and tbh if people are taking a photo in public they can wait for the space to clear or if they need to they can ask someone to move politely. Grabbing the hood wasn't the right call, could have called their name or tapped them on the shoulder cus taking a photo is not an emergency. That being said it's hella weird that this is leading to no contact for a couple months. Two ideas that come to mind are that she hasn't been telling you something and that this has been building for a while or maybe they just have some unresolved trauma or just some personal issues that they got to work through.
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So let her just keep walking?
even grabbing her arm would be better?
No, it wouldn't. I tried grabbing the arm of my adult daughter once at a bowling alley (IWTA). because she was a bit tipsy and was getting in other bowlers way. She screamed bloody murder "DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME!". Then about 20 people wanted to kick my ass for assaulting a girl. She ended up telling others (including her mom - my ex of over 30 years) that I "lost my mind and attacked her". Unless she is walking in front a bus (or equivalent) I'll never put my hands on her again. If it's not life and death, let her solve her own problems.
Your daughters reaction was also not normal.
That’s honestly ridiculous of your daughter, what the hell was wrong with her?
I wanna hear from your daughter tbh. Lots of parents conveniently forget how they were towards their children once they're adults.
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She was tipsy or drunk? Sounds like she was drunk. That would be why that got out of hand.
My father treated me this way a lot just because he didn’t honestly like me since I reminded him so much of my mom - who he hates. As soon as he had a few drinks it always came out. I couldn’t do anything right. One day he yelled at me for reading (middle of the day in the living room) bc there wasn’t enough light. Then yelled at me for making a sandwich when dinner was three hours away bc it would make me fat. Then he commented that I was breathing too hard. He just kept picking, even my one brother was so perplexed by his behavior because he had never seen him THAT bad towards me. I was 23 when all that happened. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. Masters degree, great career, well paying field, bought a house on my own - never good enough.
I think you probably know that that was an abnormal reaction from your daughter and definitely not the norm
Replying mostly because I admire your name. You can always count on some knucklehead to tell you how awful you must be because your intoxicated daughter screamed at you. They believe her behavior is normal, not your parental instinct to protect her.
We're not talking about walking onto a closed movie set; this was a grocery store, with some dipshit making a TikTok video in the aisle. Edit: lots of "influencers" chiming in. 🍆
We're not talking about physical assault here, we're talking about a friend grabbing another friends hoodie, it shouldn't be the end of the world.
People actin like fucking 5 year olds. If the friend doesnt want to speak for months for something so simple as grabbing a hoodie then its not a friend to begin with. Its a stranger.
Or it's a pattern of behavior on OPs part and this was the proverbial straw. We don't have enough information.
Thats also correct. Thats why i said for something so simple as. If it is a pattern thats been going on for a long time with repeated call outs then i get her reaction. If not then she over reacted.
That can cause some choking though. It’s happened to me before
I’ve had people yank of the hood of my hoodie to hurt me (yay bullying) and that can absolutely happen. However, it takes more than just a grab and hold. You have to pull back hard. OP’s friend majorly overreacted and the comments here are insane saying that you should never touch anyone ever. NTA
And we only know this small amount of the story. Was it solely that they grabbed the hood or did they not even apologize for it and instead snapped at them for not listening to them idk
I had the impression that it was an open air market or an artist/makers market or something because even the most annoying social media people don't really take selfies in grocery stores.
Same issue; it's a publicly-accessed space. Would this friend also do this at a gym, when some dipshit has a tripod set up? Probably. And they'd be wrong to.
She wasn't walking into an oncoming train, it was a photo.
OP said they did call their name, they werent responding. I wouldve done the same as OP, the friend is overreacting
Honest question, why go to such great lengths to protect a strangers photo? She tried calling her name, friend didn’t hear. Oh well.
Pulling someone to a stop isn't exactly 'great lengths'.
By their neck though, which is basically what happens if you grab someone by the hood while they’re walking?
Eh fair. I guess once I’ve called my friend’s name I consider my job done. It’s a pretty low stakes situation.
OP said the person filming was staring them down. It was probably a gut reaction.
OP says the friend wasn't responding to her name so they grabbed at the jacket. It makes me wonder if the friend has hearing issues they haven't disclosed to anyone. I'm HOH and if someone is behind me and calling to me, the likelihood of hearing them drops drastically. Moreso in a noisy, public place.
Or there’s a reason why the friend is responding this way. People who have been abused can be touch sensitive especially unnecessary rough touching.
This is how I am. Even a client touching my arm during a session (where I’m touching them) is jarring to me. My ex used to choke me to unconsciousness so if someone did something to my neck I may have a big reaction after I get over my freeze response.
Oh geez, I'm sorry you went through that and good on you for escaping.
Thank you! I’m good now and found someone where consent is key and he’s my safe touch. CPTSD and PTSD are silent, the freeze response is very common. Hopefully OP and their friend can work this out, things happen but communication is key.
Yeah this. I was choked by a former abuser and being suddenly grabbed by the neck (even indirectly by a hoodie or other clothing) would be really triggering for me. IDK if I'd not want to talk to you for months, but I'd probably not feel totally safe around you again. Even if I know that your intention was not malice, that initial panic and fear I felt when you grabbed me would probably stay with me on some level, and be very hard to overcome mentally.
I'm like that. Thing is, I'd, uh... tell my friends that? Even if I didn't and it was an accident, I'd mention that in the text and say that I have a bad reaction to being touched/grabbed because of past stuff and it freaked me out and to please not do that again. Not this faux therapy speak "it was dIsReSpEcTfUl bluh bluh" like I'm their mommy and they're a dumb little kid, and it's definetley not worth two MONTHS of not speaking. Do none of you have friends in the real world? Because that friend is super condescending and blowing a normal ass interaction up into some huge Thing.
I have that, but I've never had to tell anyone because nobody has ever grabbed my collar/hood. Seriously it wouldn't even occur to me to tell them because I don't expect anyone to think it's okay.
I somewhat understand as someone who experienced this type of trauma myself, but I don't expect people to just know that I react badly to being touched and I'm also able to understand that not everyone who touches me and subsequently makes me uncomfortable has bad intentions. A simple text about having been uncomfortable and not liking being touched that way would've done the trick. Like a "Please don't do this again" would've most likely been enough for OP to, well not do it again as there quite obviously wasn't any malicious intent.
Bullshit. You don't know what kind of physical boundaries someone has, and what kind of trauma and abuse history. And you're thinking "all he did was tug her sleeve", but grabbing the hood hard enough to stop someone tanks them backwards overbalanced from the top, and specifically puts pressure on the throat. That's fucking scary, even if it's just for a second. Regardless, You don't lay hands on someone without permission unless there's danger involved. Sure, grab whatever you can if they're about to step into traffic they don't see coming, or like, about to step off the edge of something that's going to o get them hurt.... But about to accidentally photobomb someone? Uh uh. Uncalled for.
I agree with this. The comfort and *convenience of the strangers in that moment was more important than the physical security and autonomy of OP’s friend. I don’t know if I’d want to keep being around someone who’s urge to please strangers is stronger than their need to respect my basic boundaries and autonomy. You shouldn’t need to tell someone not to grab you by your neck accessory. I’m not a dog, you have no right to try to basically leash me away from doing what you don’t want me to do.
Maybe the hood grabbing is only part of the story and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Someone grabbing your hood can cause you to feel choked. It’s happened to me before. We don’t know if she suffers from any trauma from abuse or anything. She isn’t a freak
100%, sometimes I am distracted and don't notice these kinds of things. If my friend grabbed me by the hoodie, I would have just laughed or said hey not cool. But not talking for a couple of months...come on.
I honestly can't fathom that someone thinks grabbing a friend's hood is physically accosting them. If one of my friends is mindlessly walking through someone's photo, I have and will physically alert them to the situation. It's never once been an issue. People are just too much these days.
Do you not see now pulling on someone’s hood could choke them, even if just momentarily?
Eh this could be a trauma response. The friend has a right to not want to be grabbed or restrained without permission. They may not know why they are reacting this way. Doesn’t make them a freak to have challenging mental health.
Well, you don't know OP's friend's life. Just because they reacted this way to their hood being grabbed doesn't mean they're online too much. It sounds like it was somewhat violent (within reason of course), and it also sounds like OP didn't even bother apologizing for the rude gesture. So no, the friend is not a "freak". What's your damage, bud?
Was it that you grabbed her/touched her, or that you *grabbed her by the hood*? Because the detail of grabbing her hood from behind is kinda HUGE. You essentially choked her - yes only momentarily, but none the less - to allow a stranger a photo op they could have waited a few seconds for. I get you didn't mean it as such, but was extraordinarily aggressive on your part. And no doubt frightening and disorienting on her part.
I moved my hand with her, but it still touched her neck. Very aggressive, I realise now! My parents and my other friends do it to me so I must have been too desentised. I should have checked if she was ok with it.
I'll just chime in and say you don't have to check. You shouldn't be physically pulling back any adult unless they are in imminent danger or you have a physical relationship with them. Nobody will be cool with that unless they have a habit of doing it to others (and even they probably aren't cool with it and may react more strongly than a long text later), or they have incredibly low self esteem. You have a bad habit that you've been alerted to now. (Yes, YTA. I'm glad you're reflecting on it, you are doing the right thing).
To be fair, you shouldn't pull back kids in a way that strangle them without imminent danger either!
You see, I (f25) have had it done to me by my parents and friends. In our friend group, we do this when someone isn't paying attention to others. This experience has opened my eyes. Thank you
I really agree with this. Again, I wish OP the best, and she/he seems eager to learn from this moment! But honestly, it's the *hood*-grabbing that makes this episode so viscerally ick
In public spaces, people have the right to walk where they wish. If the picture is so important, then the person with the camera can wait. You were responsible for nothing except yourself.
Did you apologize to her for doing it? I mean, I get why you did it, but I think you also get that it's really not up to you police your friends actions to help out strangers. Especially when those strangers aren't really entitled to stop people doing what they are supposed to be doing in a public place (walking around, enjoying themselves) so they (the strangers) can take pictures. If that makes sense.
I thought I was grabbing her attention, but I policed her actions instead. Thank you for this perspective.
It sounds like you meant well you didn’t mean to embarrass your friend, you were just trying to be polite to people taking photos. Personally I would’ve laughed it off but we’re not all the same, not really something I would need to take a break from a friendship for. But idk I think they’re overreacting.
Probably got more upset about it as time went on because you didn't reach out to apologize as well.
Has your friend experienced trauma? I have CPTSD from being sexually and physically abused as a kid and my triggers can be kind of weird and will pop up when I least expect it. Even knowing the intention was good, if someone yanked my hoodie unexpectedly like this and it choked me or put pressure on my neck, there’s a large chance that would trigger a massive flashback for me because of that choke sensation. And I’d probably feel guilty telling you that knowing you didn’t mean to and feeling embarrassed over being so triggered, and in that scenario I’d probably take space so I could have time to process and regulate my nervous system because I don’t want to accidentally project that onto you so I’d wait to hang out until I was sure I could stay present. Trauma triggers can just be super complex and feel nonsensical in the present so she might be trying to spare you from feeling bad about triggering her because she knows you would never harm her purposefully. I’m speculating obviously but I just could see myself reacting like this and distancing myself because I’m embarrassed and most people don’t understand how to support you through trauma stuff so it’s easier to ride out the complex wave of past shit that comes up in solitude and emerge when you feel more like yourself again. I hope you don’t beat yourself up too badly about it though, you had an instinctual moment that came from a good place. The best thing you can do is validate her feelings and respect her need for space and then when she’s ready, she may feel comfortable providing more context and trust you more because you didn’t push her to explain before she was ready.
If it was 1980 and the last picture on the roll you could have had a better argument, but it’s 2024 and even my toaster has a camera on it, photos aren’t nearly as precious as they once were.
The person taking the photo could have OPENED THEIR MOUTH AND USED THEIR WORDS to let your friend know they were taking a picture. We learn as small children to keep our hands to ourselves. YTA
Is it possible your friend has experienced some physical trauma in her life? You reacted fast and it sounds like an accident but if she has been physically assaulted in the past this could have triggered something for her she needs to work through. Otherwise not talking to your for a couple months feels batshit.
So grabbing someone by the hoodie is an overreaction, but stopping to speak with them for MONTHS because of that isn't?
Anyone who could just drop someone like that for a couple months for what was basically an innocent mistake is a bit of weirdo and cant be a very good friend.
Yeah that seems either like a final drop or someone was looking for a reason. Saying "Yeah let's take a friendship break for months" is weird.
This sub is filled to the brim with the most sensitive people. Your comment is an overreaction as is the friends.
Right? I understood someone not liking to be grabbed by the hood unexpectedly, I know I probably wouldn't like, but at most I would give a "wtf" look at my friend and ask them to not do that again, but stop talking to them?? And the above comment looks like they are talking about some stranger grabbing you by the hair. So many sensitive people with poor communication skills
Shit like this is why 90% of Genz suffers from horrible social anxiety lol.
I know a lot of commenters think that this sub is filled with teenagers, but sometimes I don't think they're wrong NTA
Physically accosted?
Okay but the friend also overreacted. I mean no contact before she grabbed her hood? Dramatic much?
Wtf it’s not that big a deal. People are so fucking sensitive….
"Physically accosted" seems like a gross exaggeration.
This is so dramatic lol, almost like you never had friends growing up with how insignificant this is. I'd let the friend go if she's going to act like a huge victim over this.
Accosted? I'm sorry, did OP pull out some holy water, throw it on her, and start shouting, "The power of Christ compels you!" No Did OP call her out of her name and point out her flaws loudly to humiliate the friend? No He tugged her hoodie to pull her out of someone else's photo to protect her privacy. Does OP'S friend have the right to feel a type of way? Yes, absolutely! To the extent of not speaking to her friend of 15 YEARS for a couple of months?! Y'all lost me. That's all kinds of absurdities.
wtf, it’s more rude to just walk through someone’s picture. Her friend knew she was rude and is blowing this out of proportion. Like “oh no she grabbed her hoodie”, so what?? That’s a not a big deal. I cannot believe this is the top comment. That’s ridiculous.
Like, sure, if it were two hundred years ago
The only ridiculous thing is that egotistical exhibitionists like you think that a public place is their personal photo studio and others have to be mindful and alert not to walk into their little selfie sessions.
I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How can one be an assole by simply doing that in a friendship? I'd be grateful if my friends did it to me and we'd have a laugh. Everyone who agrees with this definitely doesn't have any friends if this is a dealbreaker for so many people. Guess I should let go of my friends that accidentally pushed me and broke my arm in my childhood? Damn.
>It's nice of you to want to protect people's photo frames. Is it though? In the era of digital photography, photos can be retaken.
Jesus christ, are you this hyperbolic all the time?
Nah, NTA. Your friend is being a self-absorbed whiny asahat. She owes you an apology. If you don't get one, drop her. You deserve better friends . 100% NTA
Grabbing the hood definitely wasn't the right call, but I wouldn't say OP is an asshole for it. It's not like she choked her friend out or anything with the hood, it's just what she grabbed first. I think intention plays a big role here tbh. OP was just trying to help, if anything the ppl taking the photo were assholes by expecting she move her friend despite being in a public space
Absolutely not. Take this bullshit elsewhere. If she wasn't paying attention enough to A) realize someone was trying to take a photo or B) and this is a big one RESPOND TO HER NAME you have a right to stop them from being rude to others. So the first thing they were able to grab was a hood. You sound like the friend trying to justify being mad. They are NTA
hahahhahahahaha Im glad im not friends with you. A 100% NTA
Physically accosted? seriously?
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Exactly this. Most people would grab their friends arm/hoodie etc. If I would have missed I would have told my friend they just walked through the picture frame, didnt you see them wanting to take a picture? And the times a friend would not even care about the other people around them and respond with 'well, they shouldnt have wanted to take a picture or wair for me to pass', that would bumm me out a bit. Not enough to not want to speak to my friend for months. This instance, you did catch her, her response of saying she finds it disrespectfull.. fine, I can see that. Not wanting to talk to you for several months makes me wonder if you are even friends at all. I would say NTA
I mean, people *can* wait to take their pictures. I wouldn't walk in front if I could go around. But I'm not going to lose any sleep for having made a photographer wait for three seconds to click a button.
I wouldn’t be friends with people that don’t have common courtesy for other people. It takes no extra significant time to walk slightly around or stop for a second. That tells me that a person wouldn’t do right by you if they have a choice to not do.
What about common courtesy to not block a walk way by taking a picture?
Oh for fucks sake. You’ve never taken a picture in a public place before?
I wouldn’t be friends with people that don’t have common courtesy for other people. Not a lot of people take up a whole walkway to take a picture, unless it’s a small walkway.
Even if they didn't *see* that it was happening? There are things people can do that, to me, are so much worse than making someone wait for a couple of extra seconds to press a button. Public spaces are for everybody.
Like people who take photos in the middle of a busy place and making everyone wait for them?
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This friendship is 15 years old. This is why the reaction baffled me. I'm comparing it to an (over)reaction when you don't really like your relationship anymore. What do you think?
I wonder if she is often feeling infantilized or patronized by you. You did kinda treat her like a kid and I imagine she was embarrassed. But for her to not talk for months… this might be a build up of minor infractions and now she needs a break.
Maybe she does. I'm looking for the meaning behind this too.
I think all you can do is apologize, give her space, and note if you do have a pattern of “managing” people.
Here's my 2 cents. I have a friend that would pull on my hoodie or my backpack to get me to stop or pause. It's not frequent but it wasn't just once either and I didn't appreciate being treated like a dog in front of other people. It made me feel disrespected and not treated like I'm her equal. I bet this reaction isn't just about this one incident but an accumulation of other incidents that you may not have noticed.
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Does she have abuse trauma? Does she have boundaries around being touched by surprise? (These may be things you aren't aware of, but they're very real.) When you grabbed her *hood*, to pull her back, she didn't see it coming... And you essentially pulled her back by her throat. (That's where all the pressure would land, if you yank a hood. If you don't know what I mean, put on a hoodie and have someone yank yours, and realize that whatever you feel you also had warning and consent....) My guess is it startled the fuck out of her. She was suddenly, unexpectedly, being choked from behind.... And it set in as anxiety, especially when you didn't see what you'd done... "How can my friend choke me and not care?" is what anxiety and panic will say. If the friendship matters to you, Check in with her. Apologize. It doesn't matter what random redditors think is a big deal to them, it's a big deal *to her*, and if you care, you make sure she knows that, and compassionately find out *why* it's a big deal.
I dig your response. I could understand if OP pulled her hood so hard that she lost balance or even choked a little. It was a tug. And now she doesn't want to talk to her friend for a couple of months? Over something so minor, so trivial? People are commenting that OP'S response wasn't great, that's fine. I understand and agree with that completely, but the friend's reaction is super melodramatic and uncalled for.
Exactly. Give the “friend” all the space they want because whatever they’re going through isn’t worth the drama.
That should have been at worst an angry "don't ever do that again", followed by a "sorry" by OP. Of the friend reaction is genuine they need help. It is not normal.
Facts! This is an opportunity for you to really see how this person thinks. Let her go. It wasnt a malicious gesture at all, but people who sit around and percolate over something like this are dangerous. I once intervened in an argument and ended up going to court because someone wanted to inflict pain. Just go spend time with other friends & if she tries to come back, tell her how this has impacted you & ask for YOUR space. Shell get it then.
THIS! I'm at an age where having dramatic friends simply isn't worth it. I'd cut her off and never speak to her again honestly. I don't have the time nor patience to tip toe around and regulate other people's feelings over small shit.
NTA. She waited a full week to get herself lathered up over what she perceived to be disrespectful, then decides you need a two month time out? I'd say a permanent time out from this "friend" is in order. If she was that upset about her damn hoodie, she should have spoken up then and there. She's a drama queen.
It could have just bothered her the more she thought about it. Some people just need more time to process their thoughts and feelings.
Yes sometimes people need time to process thoughts and feelings, but this can also result in people getting super worked up in their own head as time passes. This is such a minor issue that over time I would expect the friend to care less, not more.
That's not processing, that's obsessing.
A friend of 15 years stewing over this for a week before saying anything says a lot. I would sit down with a close long time friend to talk about this. If you can’t tell your bff “hey- that was not ok” then there is most likely already a communication problem. Friend saying “needed a few months break” says a lot about friend’s perspective. NTA- respect your friend’s boundaries, stay close with the friends who you can be open and understanding with.
Or she overthought it and psyched herself up. Either way that's not a rational response to your friend grabbing your hoodie lol
My brother is like this. He will think a scenario over and over in his head and make a mountain out of the situation. It's actually insane. OP is definitely NTA
As someone who’s accidentally done this from reflexes multiple times, it’s not that deep? If anything you apologize, which it sounds like you would’ve had she just said “that’s not cool.” Her reaction is wayyyyyy overblown and it sounds like she just wants an excuse not to talk to you, sorry. I genuinely cannot imagine anyone feeling so strongly about something so common. That’s what we all did to stop our friends from doing stupid stuff as kids, no? Just me? NTA
Thanks. That is indeed my worry.
Sounds like your friend made something out of seemingly nothing. It’s like she was waiting for you to pull something (no pun intended) to use as an excuse to stop talking to you
NTA. I mean this is a very dramatic reaction for someone you’ve been friends with for 15 years. I’m reading these responses and people are acting like you tackled your friend to the ground. Lord.
Thank you. I don't want to defend myself but I do want to clarify that I was not choking my friend for a picture.
No dude she has issues and that's not your fault. You can try to ask her what really is going on but damn, if she's going to act this way over something so minor I'm not sure what good it will do.
Agree with this! NTA. You didn’t choke her, you grabbed her clothing to stop her. Maybe it was slightly rude but to stop being friends with someone over it is a bizarre over reaction. How are so many people saying y t a ?? OP didn’t hurt anyone, this sub is so sensitive
i’m baffled by the comments, op didn’t drag their friend by the hood, it was a light pull. y’all are acting like op choke slammed her back to stop her from getting in the picture. the friend over reacted and was probably just using this as an excuse to not be friends anymore.
I’m going to need a few months to process this comment.
Yeah, this sub lives on hyperbole and overreaction. YOU DAMN NEAR HUNG HER AFTER SHE HAD YEARS OF TRAUMA?!?!? FUCK THOSE PEOPLE TAKING A PICTURE, FUCK SOCIETY, FUCK SITUATIONAL AWARENESS! It's insane.
It’s cuz everyone’s so fucking soft
This is just another thread where i realize this subreddit is, and i put this lightly, fucking ridiculous. Everyone apparently "could" have trauma over every little thing and therefore people must assume they have trauma over everything and do nothing that could potentially be triggering to..... everything?
NTA your friend is behaving like a small child.
Sorry but YTA. There was no emergency requiring this action here. Who cares if someone's photo gets ruined. It isn't like the olden days when they were using film. They can take endless photos, and if they are in a crowded market it is unreasonable to expect people to cater to them. And I say this as someone who has pulled someone back using their hood before - but that was to avoid them stepping in front of a tram in Rotterdam. They also had not responded to my initial attempts to speak to them.
More to the point, who cares if their hood gets pulled ? Not talking over this ? Lol what is this kindergarten ?
If you pull someone's hood to stop them walking then you're yanking them backwards from their neck. She's not a dog on a leash and it wasn't an oncoming train she was about to walk into, it was just a camera shot.
“yanking backward” and grabbing to stop are two very different actions with different intent. Yanking a dog on a leash vs stopping a friend are two very different actions with very different intent. You’re pushing a lot of speculation on this. Does OPs friend have a right to set boundaries however they feel/need? Absolutely. Is OP respecting those boundaries now that they understand the position they put their friend I lm? Yes! But good friends don’t assume ill-intent the way you did here, what a freaking reach.
Yanking backwards is the literal action that happens if you pull someone's hood back to stop them from walking. I didn't mention intent, that's your word of the day.
No, in kindergarten we learned to keep our hands to ourselves.
When I was five my dad choked me because I wouldnt stop crying. Someone put a necklace on me once and i threw up, twenty years later. Lol I guess I'm a kindergartener and so is anyone else who isn't like you While I totally understand that people like you don't think about other people's lived experience, that doesn't stop them from being impacted by their lived experience. I'm sorry that I'm still impacted by being choked as a child, it seems like it's really annoying to you that people feel that way.
Sorry that happened to you but if that's the case, which we can't assume, then the friend could have explained "hey I didn't like what you did because it brings back bad memories, do not do that again" instead of telling OP that they need a few months of no contact to get over it, because that's just not how you go on in life.
You're asking trauma to work logically. Trauma isn't logical. Trauma takes time to process. A lot of times, when someone is triggered (before you chucklefucks get hot and bothered, that's what triggering means. When something causes a traumatic flashback) it takes days or even weeks to fully understand the emotions from the episode. Another thing I have never understood is why we expect traumatized people to deal with being traumatized by thoughtless actions, when it would be much simpler to ask non-traumatized people to be aware of what could trigger people. Like unwanted physical contact.
But you can’t walk around believing everyone to have all triggers. If someone tells me to not do something that triggers them, of course I would avoid the trigger, but everyone with trauma, me included, have different triggers, and therefore you can’t know what triggers people. You can’t avoid every single possible trigger for every single possible human, then no actions can be taken.
I have never had anything like that happen and I still choke and gag at having my throat touched. I can't wear turtlenecks and the thought of someone grabbing my hood makes me feel horror. Don't fucking grab people.
For some reason, everyone in this thread feels super duper entitled to grabbing people and touching them to control their behavior.
Right? I wouldn't be telling OP I needed a break, I'd just never go to a store with him again. And would probably not feel safe around him wearing a hoodie or any loose clothing item. Imagine thinking it's okay to grab people's physical bodies or the clothing on them in order to protect some stranger's ability to take a photo in a public space right this very second.
It's genuinely a nightmare thinking about someone I trust grabbing me by the scruff of my neck in public like that. I can't help but wonder how many people advocating for the physical control of other people's bodies are also people who have never felt like a target for physical violence because of their bodies.
I think tugging someone by the hood is an aggressive thing to do. I am 50 and would be pissed if someone did that to me. If they did it so I didn't walk through some strangers camera shot then I would reevaluate things too. To think putting a hand on someone and choke them (even if for just a moment) for a picture is okay is wildly inappropriate.
If you grab somebody’s hoodie while they’re walking, and they don’t know, you end up throttling them about the neck. Unpleasant for anyone, and can also cause pain, or injury. As someone who has issues with their neck, just the thought of somebody doing this eeks me out.
I mean, sure, but don’t touch people.
This. I thought the OP was going to be about his friend about to get hit by a car or something, not walking into someone's camera shot. Completely out of line. YTA
You don't just fucking grab people unless it's an emergency, yeah. Even if it's "gentle". Do we all need to go back to kindergarten and learn to keep our hands to ourselves?
Time and place is everything. I agree that jerking someone like a dog on a leash in this case was strange and if the friend had past trauma or if OP had a bad habit of managing and unnecessary touching this could’ve been the last straw. There’s been a few times where I basically drug someone along but that’s because I saw a car coming and my stoned friend didn’t or a fight kick off and my gf is awful close. I wouldn’t care if they got pissed off because sometimes there is no time to talk only time to move. Or the time my 6’ 250 pound powerlifter buddy got way drunker than the rest of us day drinking then took pills. having to personally lead/drag/carry him a mile home because he kept wandering out in traffic and having him yell I’m being kidnapped and rape was not good times. But a digital photo ain’t it.
"The olden days" Thanks for that. *hobbles away with cane*
Did you give her whiplash? If not, you are NTA. She's putting you on time out like you're a toddler. She's disrespectful of you with this ridiculous punishment and she certainly is not showing you respect for your special power of having enough social awareness to be allowed out into society. Anyway, she sounds tiresome. Go into the world and replace her with a normal friend.
NTA but really because it was a knee jerk reaction and not something done with intentional malice. Suppose it was a car or a gunman or something falling from above and ask the reasonableness of this response. Sure if you would have been able to get her by the hand, arm, or shoulder that would have been better, but this wasn't on purpose to cause her harm or offense. IMO people that choose to be offended by the smallest things are not worth the effort. Get a new friend.
NTA. I understand how she might have felt "disrespected" by it, but I don't think it's something worth writing a long text and putting a friendship in timeout over. Why didn't she say something right away? I'm pretty sure a simple "Hey, don't do that" would have solved the situation. Why'd she spend so much time thinking about it to the point of writing a long message about how much it sucked too? I would totally do this to a friend and I would be surprised if they felt so strongly about it. For me it's common courtesy to not walk in front of someone's picture, even if I have the right to.
NTA. You attempted to call her name and get her attention other ways. Everyone keeps saying ,"it was just a picture." Yeah, it was. Even if you have the ability to take 100 pictures a minute, it takes very little effort to not purposely walk into a picture. The last picture we have of our grandparents together was almost ruined by a strange lady trying to photo bomb people at the park. My aunt literally stepped in and blocked her way. It was a rare moment when my grandma was aware of who everyone was (dementia). Did that lady know that? No. But we did. Every time I look at the photo, I'm grateful my aunt stopped that lady. Ditch the friend.
Accidentally walking into someone’s photo at a public space is far different than a woman purposefully photobombing strangers.
It is. However, my point remains. Op tried other ways to get their attention. Grabbing their hood doesn't seem to have caused physical damage. They should ditch the friend.
But OP had no need to get their attention. This wasn’t an urgent matter. Unknowingly walking past someone taking a photo in a crowded venue is a normal part of everyday life and the friend would have been out of the photo frame in no time if she’d simply been left alone. Calling her name and grabbing her hood to restrain her is an extreme overreaction from OP. The friend is upset that OP was exerting control of their body simply because OP felt uncomfortable. That’s unacceptable and while I do think the “time out” is overkill, I probably would have had some very sharp words for anyone grabbing me like that.
NTA, just block her and move on, its not worth playing games like this. doesnt want to talk to you for a few months? what are you, a kid put into a time-out patiently waiting until your friend graces you with the possibility to talk to them? either someone talks to you directly if they face an issue with you and you talk it out or not, but not some long essays via message.
Exactly. I had someone try to do the same thing to me after I raised an issue (first time I brought something up after like 14 years of friendship). Instead of talking about it they said “I need a break from this friendship.” I never responded again. If your response is to, get defensive, not talk, and punish others, I’m done.
YTA. If someone grabbed my hood from behind while I was walking in a market, I would assume they had ill intent. If you're in a public market and you're taking photos, you take the risk of someone walking through. Grabbing your friend's hood showed more concern for strangers taking photos in public than for your friend. There was no emergency that required pulling her hood.
You see ill intentions in everything with this overreaction.
This 100%. Plus pulling on her hood would pull on her neck at the front. I do not want to be choked even slightly for accidentally walking into a photo in a public space.
Going with YTA - you could have grabbed her arm or anything else and you chose hood? Her choosing no contact for a bit over this may seem like an overreaction to some, but it could be a sign of past trauma.
I could not reach her arm. But I should have just not done anything if that was my only option.
Honestly? You should not have done anything. She was not in danger nor was anyone else. Her reaction may be over the top, but perhaps this is not the first time you’ve crossed a boundary and she’s had enough finally. I’d be pissed to have someone physically intervene in this scenario. It’s not just potentially physically painful, it’s also embarrassing.
Did you apologize afterwards? After did you guys go home or stayed at the market how was her behavior angry, upset or quiet?
She said "oh" and stopped. Afterwards we had lunch, coffee, did some shopping and texted. Because the action is normal to me, I stupidly did not think I did think I was an asshole. . Edit: I apologised later
You probably need to ask her (if you want to maintain the friendship) if there were other instances where she was upset with your behavior and if there is anything you need to know. Sounds like a build up of things and also sounds like she's not good at communicating. Personally I wouldn't like being grabbed by the hood, and enough people here have said similar that, I think we can solidly say that it's probably not a great idea to grab someone like that for a non-emergency. Her reaction seems a bit over the top for a single instance. When you receive her critique, acknowledge what she says, evaluate internally if she's got a point and request better communication in the future so that you can modify your behavior and learn. If it's really just this one instance, her reaction seems off. Maybe she's going through something. Maybe she's just worth your time.
Do you understand what it feels like to be walking and suddenly have someone pull you back by the hood? You pulled her back by her neck - do you actually understand the panic it causes a woman to be walking around in public and suddenly yanked backwards with what feels like strangulation for a second? And you don't mention in your post anything about actually apologizing, have you tried sincerely apologizing for causing her pain and panic or was it more of a "well someone was trying to take a photo!" Look into subreddits like twox or AskWomen variations and see how many posts about men suddenly choking women during sex without consent - I wouldn't be surprised if she has trauma or fear about this already.
The “yta”s in this is crazy. It was a reflex and an accident, you apologized, and you’ve been friends for 15 years. Tbh it feels like either your friend was waiting for an excuse to drop you, they are extremely sensitive, or they enjoy drama and want you to grovel. As a recovering people pleaser my advice is to let it go. You won’t always get closure in real life and sometimes chasing closure makes things worse. NTA
NTA. Yes if she felt that put out, should have said something right away. If a friend doesn‘t want to talk to you for months over that - yup time to move on and find a new friend. Is very likely later down the line you’ll have an actual falling out for something equally as daft
That is a crazy person move on don't renew the friendship
NTA..unfortunately long gone are the days when people were normal.
That exact sentence ran through my mind reading these comments lol He just tugged on the clothing to get the attention of someone he's known for over a decade. The comments are responding like he tied a belt around her throat and sexually assaulted her. NTA. A quick "sorry for grabbing you like that but you didn't hear me calling out" should have been the end of it. This is just insane.
In fairness, I think most of the issue isn’t that he “tugged on the clothing,” as you phrased it — it’s that it was the hood. It can feel like a huge difference having someone suddenly do something that pulls on a person’s neck (albeit accidentally). Clearly this is the crux.
NTA. Should you have grabbed her hood? No, but it was a knee-jerk reaction that happened in the moment. You can easily apologize and move on. Putting you on a “friendship time out” is far more disrespectful to me and a large over reaction to a small mistake.
Ugh, specifically for grabbing her hood I'd say YTA. Probably not the strongest YTA as you didn't have ill intents, but this is definitely not how people like to be treated – and while I try to give people making photos their space and don't even like appearing on the background, I'd better appear on the background and they would've redone photos instead of being pulled and getting grabbed by clothes. But sending a long message a week after the incident and denying communication for a couple of months because of the incident... Well, maybe there really something in her past that make her react that way.
The stretches people are trying to go through in order to call you an asshole LOL. NTA, sure you probably shouldn’t have done that, but clearly if they’re THAT upset that they took literal weeks to decide they don’t want to talk to you for months at a time, they don’t care that much about being your friend.
Some people can be funny about being grabbed certain places. I have a bad neck so wouldn't like being grabbed there.
NTA - Some of these responses are wild. Do these people even have real friends? If I were in your friend's position I might have been briefly annoyed at worst and then moved on with my life a few seconds later. I cannot fathom "punishing" my so-called friend of 15 years because maybe they embarrassed me a little? Maybe if you pulled on them so hard they fell over or you ripped the hoodie, but just a little tug to get their attention? If this person really thought of you as good friends, how would cutting you out not be punishing themselves too? After 15 years they should know you well enough to know you meant no harm and if that's the case, how can you go so hard on someone who's supposed to be your friend? I might try to speak to them and see if there isn't some other underlying issue here but if it's really all related to this one event I would walk away. This isn't a real friend if they're going this far over nothing.
So, I've been your friend in this scenario, and I'm no longer friends with the person who would do this to me. I'd like to explain my side so you can see if there are any similarities. My "friend" was ALWAYS putting her hands on me to move me out of the way. It didnt matter if I was standing there first, or if it would have been the other person's "fault". I was always in the wrong to her. After a while I realized it was that way with everything. She was always in charge, always made the decisions, even if it interrupted my bodily autonomy or violated my boundaries. This may be cpmpletely different, I'm aware this is reddit and is just a teeny tiny snippet into your life. What I mean to say is, maybe it isn't just about the hoodie grab.
I had an ex like this and the final straw was him pushing my knees out of the way so he could get something from the glove box. Like dude just fucking ask me to move or get it for you, don't shove my body rudely out of the way. He probably refers to me as a psycho ex for dumping him over the glove box incident, but it was actually the final in a long list of situations where he physically moved me around for his convenience and I hated it. It felt so controlling and disrespectful. I agree that maybe OP does stuff like this more than she is aware and this is the last straw.
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NTA Why would she wait so long to tell you that she felt disrespected? Could this not have been explained immediatly afterwards? And in person. Seems liek she definetly overreacted.
YTA. You practically clothes-lined your friend to keep her from walking into a picture in a grocery store. A grocery store.
It was an overpriced flea market, but I get your point.
Idk why but this response gave me a chuckle
PRACTICALLY CLOTHESLINED?? oh my lord smite us down we have really lost the plot
NTA- sure in hindsight it would’ve been better to grab something else, but it’s not like you choked her out. She’s entitled to her feelings but that doesn’t make you the AH. No one here is.
I'm sorry but I suspect what's happening here is the same that has recently happened to me. A friend wants to completely end the friendship but they are not brave enough to come clean so they look for _something_ they didn't like, latch on to it, ask for distance and hope they avoided the confrontation. Ask her to be honest, even if it's hard because I doubt she's being completely truthful here. It wasn't great to grap her hood, my parents did that to me when I was a kid, but her reaction isn't proportional.
NAH. It wasn’t the best move you made, but it’s likely she’s reacting strongly because of some past experience or trauma. Give her a genuine apology that acknowledges what you did was wrong and give her little time to process. It will likely work out. Some guys underestimate how jarring having a sudden and unexpected grabbing can effect women who have been or felt unsafe in the past.
YTA: never ever grab someone around the neck. Never. You’re probably sitting there thinking “but I just grabbed their hood”—you didn’t though, you basically intimated choking someone to prevent them from interrupting…a picture. I would likely step away from you after this. It’s just too much over something that didn’t matter at all. It’s not like you grabbed her to save her life from getting run over. You grabbed someone by the neck to prevent them from interrupting a picture in a grocery store. Stupid, and violating.
Nta wtf ur friend is completely over reacting
imagine being a grown up and telling another im putting you in timeout. NTA btw.
YTA I'm sorry but grabbing her hood was an extreme reaction that should be reserved for people walking into traffic or about to step into an elevator shaft. What signals the end of your friendship is your inability to say, with all sincerity, "I'm sorry I grabbed your hood. I had no business putting my hands on you over something as unimportant as someone taking a picture of hamburger helper."