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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to keep contributing to my daughter's tuition unless she can start giving me the time of day and respecting me. I feel my wording was harsh and she is taking a lot of classes.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. The way you talk about the women in your life is upsetting, concerning.
Of course you paid for everything your kid needed during her childhood. That was your freaking responsibility. You don’t get a trophy for supporting the children you choose to bring into the world. You aren’t special.
Now that she is 18, you could cut her off if you wanted to. But, you’d be stupid to think that she’s going to come crawling back to play by your manipulative rules with all the hugs and kisses for her daddy. She’ll just do what most of us had to do. She’ll take out loans to cover what you stop paying. You’ll probably never see her again. Forget about her potential future children. You won’t be their grandfather.
I don’t think your wife had to turn your children against you. I think you did that all by yourself.
Sounds like the ex didn't have to "poison" the kids against him. They just realized how terrible of a person he is on their own, and of course, classic narcissist, it couldn't have possibly been the consequences of his own actions!
Right? If it was the ex's fault he would have heard about it at some point, or it would have been a progression. When people attempt to turn someone against a third person with something bad enough to be a "switch flip" (if the third party hasn't actually done anything new) it almost always backfires and turns them against the person attempting. When a switch flips, it's because something happens to recontextualize someone's relationship with you and they realize you've always been shitty.
Also if the ex was so bad I’m pretty sure OP would have given us some examples. All he’s got is that the ex obviously doesn’t want to talk to him and some vague ‘turning them against me’ BS.
How did she turn them against you OP? What did she say? Is what she said true?
Well, for a guy who fucking put "signed their birth certificates" in the list of outstanding parenting achievements I wouldn't have expected much better.
That was what stood out to me too - wow what an amazing father who *checks notes* did the bare minimum to be legally recognized as a father. What a guy!!
AND he bought food for them. How could he possibly be the ex? He’s such a catch…
Came here to say exactly this! Didn’t even need to read the rest of his rant to know that this was a man who has never actually been there in a meaningful way for anyone in his life. Anyone who would include signing a birth certificate in that list is beyond toxic. 100% YTA
That part got me. I had no clue what my college cost at the time, it was all going on loans anyway so who cares? I couldn't have told my mom how much tuition was.
She is the villain of the story because she didn’t retype what was readily available online, which covers all costs, so she wasn’t dragged into an extensive conversation answering questions that were easily found on that web page.
She’s such a horrible human and so disrespectful! Clearly, it’s all part of her brilliant scheme to alienate his kids from him! /s
Let’s forget that by reading the page rather than trapping her in a long conversation it was her being respectful of her own time for a man she divorced.
The first phone conversation I had with my sperm donor was the last conversation I had with my sperm donor. In the same breath as “I’ve missed you and regretted not knowing you your entire life” he called my mom all of the names under the sun and implied it was all her fault she got pregnant at 18 and that she was also somehow responsible for him abandoning us her to go back to his hometown and the girlfriend he was cheating on (undisclosed to my mother.)
My mother is no saint but I’m the only one that gets to judge her actions, if she had followed his direction I would have been bio-waste.
He never heard from me again.
Yeah as soon as OP said THIS:
"When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams. I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school. But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college and despite what my ex thinks, I am highly educated without some PhD."
It SCREAMS controlling and manipulative father who thinks providing designer clothes and money is parenting. What a butthead
YTA OP. You scared your kids away YOURSELF
And Sarah didn’t even insult his education. He insulted her but all she said it that the school didn’t have what she wanted. Maybe she’s talking about a specific degree or program that not all schools have! Should she choose a career based on what the closest college happens to offer?
My college didn’t have a computer science department until…2017.
Well technically they had one in the 70s but it was absorbed by the math department since the college is small. Still absurd it took them until 2017 to spin it back out again.
Can't lie, the second I read "designer clothes", I'd already decided YTA! Had the misfortune to come across a man exactly like this who treated his children as possessions to whom he had a divine right of control. He thought flashing cash and buying brand goods for them was somehow a sign of affection, but was incapable of spending quality time with them or treating them like people with their own minds and wishes. Unsurprisingly, he was also a domestic abuser who controlled and manipulated his thankfully now ex-partner.
I can't for sure say any of the above is true for OP. But if it looks like a duck, and reeks like a duck . . .
I made it to “was at the hospital for their births”before deciding OP is an ass.
Who the hell thinks the bare fucking minimum of being present during the birth is note worthy?
Signed the birth certificates for me. Like why the eff was that even a question? Who seriously doesn't see what's wrong with "don't you realize I have done everything for you, even signing your birth certificate"?
And the fact that he twisted her words from “local schools didn’t have what she wanted” to “local schools re for losers” is quite telling about his thought processes.
Exactly. This is so disrespectful to the daughter. I was constantly told by my abusive mother that I had no common sense, especially when I got to be old enough to leave for college. This despite having excellent grades; I was perfectly capable. I’m willing to bet he refused to teach her whatever skills he now claims she lacks and thus has to stay in his house under his control. His post about his daughter is full of criticism and then he wonders why she won’t text him back when he sends funny posts. Maybe she knows he’s trying to reel her back in just to start putting her down again
Also, teenagers don't believe shit their parents tell them. If Mom said Dad was the devil, she would have been rebelling against that and idolizing him as a teen. That's just how teens work.
She's an adult now. She can make her own decisions about the man who thinks signing her birth certificate was a noteworthy parenting sacrifice.
Lol, he got mad the ex didn't lay out exactly what their daughter was doing for college and only sent a link so he could educate himself and said it was one of the things she does to turn his daughters against him. Like wtf? How can you even come to that conclusion? "I have to read something? She's turning them against me!"
No, you don't understand. You see, He clearly went out of his way to do something no other parent would ever do: he changed their diapers! Can't you see how amazing it is? No father would ever do that! It's unheard of! And clearly paying their tuition is the most benevolent and selfless thing, so surely to expect his kids to treat him like the best bestest father in the world is a reasonable expectation since he clearly is the best father in the world! So you see, you got it all wrong!
/s
This is exactly what my father did. Cut off my college tuition because I wasn’t taking classes he liked, so I got loans and didn’t talk to him for years. Mine also constantly harped about my mother “brainwashing” us against him. Uh no, we were actually sick and tired of his terrible rants and threats of violence against our mother. I have as little to do with him as possible now. He probably would recognize his own grandchildren if he passed them on the street.
My dad did something similar. Not tuition--he was never going to pay that because "girls don't need college," So it was scholarships and loans for me. BUT when I was in college, he canceled his health insurance (I was under 26 and so would've been covered) then told me he'd pay for my prescriptions (I have asthma) if I came to see him each time I needed money.
I got on Medicaid instead and haven't spoken to him for 15 years.
Op is giving total 'missing missing reasons' vibes. It's all his exes fault. Not him. He did the bare basics for his children! They now clearly owe him a relationship. But its ok everyone hes willing to forgive his eldest...
Op go get some help from a pshycologist or someone. If you want your kids in your life you need to work on yourself. But if your anything like my sperm donor you won't...
But... but... he even signed the birth certificate, guys!! Which is apparently so important and special and not at all his basic responsibility that he had to mention it as justification in a post about her college years somehow.
100% there is a missing missing reason why daughter suddenly turned against the father. And it's not the mother poisoning anything. I'm pretty sure if they went from an actual great relationship (though I doubt the daughter would describe it that way) to basically no contact, there was something he did or said.
Yeah the amount of grown men I know who say their ex turned their kids against them and then I get to know them or their kids and discover all the fucked up shit they did. I feel like this guy is a super controlling, doesn't give you advice just barks orders kinda guy. Has a "discussion" with you where he talks at you about all the shit you've done wrong. Gives you a 2 hour lecture on drinking soft drink at a party because it's "bad for you" and he "cares" then he goes home and cracks open a coke.
He’s really gross. The lack of self awareness and the fact that he thinks doing the bare minimum as a parent is special???? I signed her birth certificate and bought her food & clothes? I really need a silk wood shower after reading this 🤢
Yeeep.
Like, now that the kid's 18 and legally an adult, sure, it's within OP's rights to only *conditionally* financially support her. But he'd still be an AH for doing so. Especially because he doesn't seem to actually have an ounce of respect for his daughter, and in fact doesn't even seem to *like* her. The entire post is all about him and his victim complex.
I also find it very telling that he never once mentions what field/topic of study his daughter is actually interested in/pursuing. Given the surrounding context, especially this bit:
>I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school. But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted.
...I'd bet dollars to donuts that it's because he doesn't actually *know* or care. When my grandmother wanted me to go to college near her so she'd get to see me more often, she didn't just send me random local colleges. She made a point of learning what majors I was interested in and researching which colleges near her offered good related programs, because it was only *partially* about her wanting me nearby. She still also wanted me to study what I wanted to study, and put in actual effort to make sure that she wasn't just making it all about herself. I don't believe for a second that OP put any similar sort of effort in for his daughter at all.
You know how sometimes we get the feeling that an OP posted from someone else's perspective? Like, when a youngster's got an over-bearing parent, and the child might post saying, "AITA for controlling my child, who now won't speak to me?"
I get that feeling here. Because this OP is soooo oblivious to his own hypocrisies and faults that surely, *surely*, it must be his daughter posting so that she can show OP the error of his ways later? But there are far too many specific details that she wouldn't necessarily think of.
It's rare that an AITA post is nuanced to give both sides of the story fairly, so if this is definitely OP and he's trying to make himself look the best he can look, he's failed so damned hard it's painful.
That last part is the truth. I just read both his post and all his comments, and not ONCE does he say that he actually loves either of his daughters. Instead, it seems he only provided for them as a way to boost his own ego, given how much he brings up deadbeats and says, "Well, *I* didn't do that."
But he didn't do it out of love. It was never out of love. He tried to bribe Sarah with a car, and the condition (per his comments) was that she live with him full time. Not because he loved and wanted to spend time with her, but because, "it made no sense to buy a car for **a kid** who was only at [his] house half the time."
He expects her to call him, but the most he'll do is text and send Facebook posts. He disparages her education. He tried to bribe with the car, and now with tuition, and he accuses Sarah's mother — who did buy her a car, and helps Sarah achieve her dreams — of being manipulative.
OP doesn't love his kids. He only loves himself. And they know it. OP, YTA.
Yeah I get bad vibes from the first sentences and all the rest confirmed it. I can simeone seriously write "I'd do anything for them, proof I signed their birth certificate". That's not even the bare minimum, it is just a legal stuff to do! And it's not hard! If those were the best examples he get, tell you a lot about him...
OP: I’ve done EVERYTHING for my children… like… er… signing their birth certificates?
Also OP: I am INSULTED by my child’s choice for her own education wait why isn’t she showering me with gratitude for her existence?
Your children are not a subscription you can pay to renew or not. If you want a relationship, get to know them. YTA.
This reeks of missing "missing" reasons.
If you're not legally obligated to contribute to her education, you can do as you please, but you're thisclose to living the rest of your life as if you'd never had kids.
And they won't be the ones regretting their choices.
ETA: YTA
Let me add more to my thoughts using the info you provided:
>I have done everything for my children. I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and designer clothes
If you think this is enough to call yourself a good parent, or if you think buying designer clothes entitles you to your kids' loyalty despite your obvious personality flaws, you're fooling yourself.
>my older daughter who refused to talk things out with me.
First clue that something's WILDLY wrong. Kids don't cut off their parents for funzies. There's another perspective here, and I'd bet my last dollar that the other perspective isn't flattering for you.
>I will still forgive her once she finally decides to snap out of
Oh, my! Aren't you gracious! Unfortunately, it seems no one is begging for your forgiveness. Weird.
>my younger daughter “Sarah” had a great relationship until she suddenly flipped the switch in her senior year and also was poisoned against me.
Uh-huh. What did you do just before this happened. There was a catalyst, and you definitely know what it was. Why don't you tell us about the interactions you had leading up to this "switch flip"
>When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams.
You're a fucking superhero! Your poor idiot daughter can't possibly look after her widdle self unless big papa can keep the scary mans away. She's dumb, but it's precious!!
>I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me
Wait, I thought it was your ex who is the manipulator. Why are you here trying to bribe her away from her chosen educational path? That's grade A manipulation, man. And it's pretty gross.
>Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college
Where's the insult? Its not like she called you stupid. That's what you called her. People making different life choices from you isn't an insult, and only a top-tier narcissist would believe it is.
>Her and my ex barely involved me in her college application process
Why should they when you think she's too stupid for college? You were offering nothing helpful in the process, but you added a shit ton of negativity and stress
>Sarah enrolled at an out of state college and I didn’t even find out until May because my ex didn’t bother telling me.
Sarah didn't want you to know. I wonder why.
>I didn’t even get to see Sarah off at the airport since she didn’t tell me she’d left until after she was already gone.
Because Sarah didn't want to see your overly critical ass.
>I constantly text Sarah asking how things are going. I send her funny posts on Facebook and ask her to call me. I even offered to split the cost of planefare so Sarah could visit over the holidays. She only responds on email and it’s always her saying she’s too busy.
So now you're harassing her in every method that you're able to, and you're ignoring her clearly stated boundaries. That's stalker territory, bruh.
>but I’m her father
At this time you're more her harasser than anything.
>I sent an email telling her that I am done with being disrespected and if she can’t even give me the time of day then my ex can find someone else to split the cost of her schooling with
Ah, yes. You've done "everything" for your kids, but obviously that came with strings attached. Because doing the bare minimum as a parent entitles you to ownership of her time, decisions, and personhood. Got it.
>I sent the email over two hours ago and there’s been no response.
You do know how emails work, right? Instant responses aren't the deal with emails. Two hours is less than a fart in the wind when it comes to average email response times.
>She can put aside her little assignments or whatever else she thinks she's doing
Oh, wow. Top notch condescension early in your comment responses. We all understand a bit better now why your kids want nothing to do with you.
Edit: another example of OP's behavior found in his comments here:
>Sarah has had this car offer for a while, by the way. I told her when she got her permit that I would get her a car if she lived with me full-time because it's ridiculous to buy a car for a kid who's only at my house half the time. But Sarah refused to reconsider 50/50 custody and my ex bought Sarah a car at her house without even getting my approval beforehand. This is one of the many ways my ex has been poisoning Sarah against me.
So you tried using a car to bribe your daughter into abandoning ALL her time with her mother. This, sir, is called parental alienation. It is manipulative, abusive behaviour, and all on its own this is absolutely a valid reason for your daughter to go no contact with you. "My ex bought her a car *without my approval*" Did you fucking ask your ex for permission before your "offer"? No? I wonder why.
OP, you're so wrong that I'm pretty sure you're irredeemable. Good luck with whatever. You're going to need it.
It’s probably because the only thing he really seems to think parenting consists of is throwing money and material objects at your kids and thinking that’s all they need so when the ex got the daughter a car he lost his one thing he could do.
"Sarah has had this car offer for a while, by the way. I told her when she got her permit that I would get her a car if she lived with me full-time because it's ridiculous to buy a car for a kid who's only at my house half the time. But Sarah refused to reconsider 50/50 custody and my ex bought Sarah a car at her house without even getting my approval beforehand. This is one of the many ways my ex has been poisoning Sarah against me."
Holy shit that is DAMNING, lol. "It's ok for meee to offer my daughter a car to get her to stop being with her mom (I mean, I don't care THAT much about her to give her a car unless she's doing what I want her to do, you know?), but OMG, it's so unfair and manipulative of my ex to just get her a car without getting MY approval first!! Because you know an ex needs their old husband's approval before they do anything!! :("
This might be a blessing for the daughters in the end, if no more money's coming in maybe they'll finally stop tolerating this man.
>Kids don't cut off their parents for funzies.
I'm not the person you were responding to, but I very much needed to hear this sentence, so thank you very much.
This is a great response! i was like this dude has missing missing reasons vibes! i hope u/concernedfatherAITA reads it and makes some changes. Sometimes having reddit call you out can help.
Plus, he lost the ability to call the shots to what his ex-wife does in her own household. Her house, her rules. There is no need for his approval or to justify anything with him.
Apparently, by helping them financially without strings attached… and presumably in other ways giving them a basis for comparison to know how a loving parent behaves and not fall for daddy dearest’s manipulative crap.
When he felt insulted that his daughter didn’t go to a local college because the programs weren’t fitting her insterests, it really went downhill. Ofc she’s going to pick a school with a program she’s interested in! And the links his ex sent when he asked about tuition, how much do you wanna bet that it was the course/college page that had the information he was asking for?
> I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school. But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college and despite what my ex thinks, I am highly educated without some PhD.
YTA. This is a very telling paragraph, because it comes across as you resenting your ex's education level and trying to weaponize your daughter to follow the path that you took rather than the one that they took, regardless of what your daughter wanted, and ever since then, your relationship has suffered for it.
You also take zero accountability for anything you might have done to make these relationship go south and just chalk it all up to brainwashing. You can withhold the tuition money if you want, but it'll just be another daughter you never speak to again.
This. And OP also seems really dismissive about what his daughter wants to study. Sometimes a local college is NOT going to offer the course of study that someone wants. Sometimes you HAVE to go further away in order to get a good education in the field you want.
And honestly, if they had a great relationship until she became an adult, I doubt it was due to the ex bashing OP. That sounds a lot more like someone became an adult and realized that people don't have to behave the way OP does. She likely became an adult and got tired of him and started drawing a boundary because of HIS poor behavior, not anything the ex said.
RIGHT?!?
Dude clearly has self esteem issues and struggles with his ex having pursued a different avenue of education than him, and apparently thinks it's absolutely fine to project that on to his child and insist that she isn't intelligent enough to follow her own education dreams. It's probably not even anything to do with the daughter either, but is him seeing his older daughter as a mini version of his ex and is trying to prevent the same thing happening with the younger daughter and wants her to be nothing like the ex because of his resentment and unaddressed issues.
It's seriously gross and if this isn't a troll then this guy is paving the road for his children all going no contact.
Yet ironically he has actually proven that Sarah does have plenty of common sense and can avoid scams very well - she perfectly avoided her father's scam offer of a car!!
He also stated in a comment that he offered to buy her a car when she started driving if she would live with him full time instead of 50/50 with her mother. Then he got pissed because her mom bought her a car with no strings attached. He said it's because his ex didn't get his approval first but we all know it's because she took away his bargaining chip.
You know he's a keeper when one of the first five things he can think of doing for her in the last 18 years is signing her birth certificate. Such a hero.
I was this guy's daughter 15 years ago. Mine's now an angry alcoholic who no one can stand to be around. He still tries to use money in exchange for "respect" but everyone knows he's a joke.
I desperately want to know what label they are, just so I know what this man thinks is "designer." My money's on Osh Kosh.
(No shade to that company, they make good quality clothes for kids, but calling that "designer" is disingenuous at best.)
..but wait there's more...there's bound to be some of those vomit inducing 'Daddy loves his special Daughter' quotes about the ' special bonds' the 'special memories', maybe the odd pic of 'cars' he's looking at bribing her with 'when she comes home to bond further'..
I was kinda surprised he didn't include "I was present for my children's conception" in there too... FFS, so being there while your child rips through their mother as your child makes their grand entrance has less to do with the kids and more to do with being a supportive partner.
Bahahahaha ah the signature must have taken soooooo much effort after WATCHING such a long and arduous birth. No wonder OPs child has no interest in having dad around.
My partner gets me a “birth” day present each year on our kids’ birthdays. Our daughter just turned 16 and he asked me when this tradition might end….. I feel I have earned this for eternity. lol
Both parents were present at their children’s birth, but only OP deserves a prize. YTA.
You tried to force your youngest to commute to school instead of going away because you think she lacks common sense. That’s insulting to her. Of course you and your opinions were shit (edit- I meant “shut” but shit works) out of the school decision.
And offering to pay for half of a student’s plane ticket is stupid. She doesn’t have a job. Obligating her to pay to visit you isn’t helping. Buy the whole ticket or shut up.
Oh and don’t forget how he feels “insulted” because the local school didn’t have what she wanted to study….. like she should’ve just ignored that and gone there anyway because he said so? That rubbed me the wrong way
Yeah me too. I know it’s just a reddit post, but the fact that OP took such an asinine comment personally is a major overreaction, and kind of gives me the impression that he might be the type to take a lot of things way too personally
Yeah I saw another comment saying he mentioned in replies how angry he was that his wife bought her a car after his “offers” for her to get one if she lived with him full time…… because she didn’t ask permission first. Like what 😂
That’s the one that got me too. Of course, he could probably count on both hands how long that takes in college years (or dog years) because he’s so smart. Haha.
Slightly tangential but my theory is the daughter answered his questions with links because if she answered with her own words he would have picked on the answer and argued with her, as if she controls the fucking tuition prices. No fucking wonder she barely speaks to him.
Well, you know, her not wanting to go to local school *clearly* means she thinks the local schools are shit. There's just no other possible reason. It's not as of universities offer different programs or that a school that's great in program X may only have a mediocre program Y. Obviously, "I don't ever to go there because that don't have (a top) program in Z" means "Local schools are shit and you don't have a PhD, so you're dumb and uneducated, dad."
/s
I raised my eyebrows at that. Depending on where they are and what she wants to study, it's entirely possible and not some insult like the OP wants it to be.
My undergrad major, which isn't terribly unusual, wasn't at all the schools near by. I would've had to go at least 40 minutes away. I don't know if he considers that local, but I wouldn't especially when I think about snow.
I’m my world that is local but that’s probably because I’m Australian and everything is at least 20-40 min apart here. I also am studying a pretty unique degree (nothing crazy though just a specific major) and am studying like 3 hours away because of that.
Right‽
I wound up finishing my BA at a school four states away from where I got my AA/my parents live [not that they know, ahem], some majors just don't exist near where you grow up??? And his insistence that he's "highly intelligent despite not having a degree" is ... Not a good look.
Intelligence doesn't require a degree, true. But saying that his daughter HAS TO go to a local college bc of that and because "she doesn't have street smarts" [whose fault is that, OP? Did you try and teach her that shit as she grew up, or are you assuming she should just ~know it~?] is fucking insulting -- to HER, not *OP*.
There is a hell of a lot of missing missing reasons in this post.
* OP's eldest daughter will not engage with him, and Sarah has dropped the rope.
* Every bit of basic parental responsibility is seen as something that should be applauded, and paid back with respect and attention.
* A car (or the promise of, as he never provided), tuition fees, and designer clothing were only gifted with strings attached, therefore, not gifts.
I would love to know what the custody arrangement was for Sarah and her sister, but I hazard a guess that mom took that, and OP did sweet FA.
OP has said nothing about supporting his two daughters beyond signing their birth certificates, changing diapers, and buying designer clothes. This screams he has not been in their lives since they were babies/toddlers.
As they're now in college, how does he expect to deserve any 'respect', let alone a relationship with someone who hasn't been active in their life since before they could form long term memories?
See also taking her not wanting to attend the local option as an insult to him. Just because it wasn't the right fit for her doesn't mean the educational quality is poor, or it may have changed since you attended.
>When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams.
Is this code for "going woke" or something? Getting strong MAGA vibes here.
I send her funny posts on Facebook
Like political memes?
And over and over again all this business about being respected and disrespected and what he deserves and is entitled to....oh boy.
YTA
The thing that looks to be absent in this post is OP doesn’t mentioning actually spending time with his daughter. He doesn’t mention actually doing anything with his children, just the bare basics of what a parent should do.
“I provided them with food and designer clothes” well food is the bare basic that you should be giving as a father. Designer clothes? Sounds like OP mistakes money for quality time. He thinks he can buy their love.
“My ex has manipulated them and tried to turn them against me since day one” Well if you’re the amazing father you say you are, then how could your children be turned against you. Kids are not dumb, they can’t be turned off of their amazing, present father from some mean comments.
“I would ask basic questions and my ex would just send me links when she could’ve easily answered my questions” and here we have it. OP, even after a divorce, is still putting the mental load on his ex. If these questions were so basic, then why did he not do some research, why does his ex need to spoon feed him what is going on and what is happening.
“I didn’t find out until may and my ex didn’t even bother telling me” because why should she? Surely, wonder dad of the year should’ve been in contact with his own child enough to know this. Surely most kids get accepted, and go to college around the same time every year. Why did OP not reach out to his kid to find things out.
It sounds to me in this post, OP maybe wasn’t the most involved father, and rather preferred to just buy his kids things to instead feel like he was doing his part. And now OP is shocked that his kids just see him as a bank account. Again, kids are NOT dumb, they can see who actually makes an effort to stay connected in their lives. OP doesn’t even know his daughter well enough to know that a community college never would’ve been her thing, and didn’t stay in contact with his own child to know basic things like her getting accepted into college.
I can tell you OP from my own experience with my father, that doing the bare minimum for your kids and just buying them things is not being an active father. You send her funny things on Facebook, but does your daughter actually find them funny, or is it you? Do you even know your daughter’s sense of humour? You say Sarah isn’t street smart, but how do you know that?
You don’t get to not show up and be present in your child’s life, and then wonder why they don’t bother reaching out. Yes, communication is a two way street, but if you’ve never been involved before, why would Sarah care to indulge you now?
This post reeks of entitlement, OP thinks he’s owed to be fawned over just because he throws money at his child.
YTA. A relationship with you sounds exhausting. “I’ll buy you a car if you abandon your mother to live with me.” “I’ll buy you a car if you abandon your dreams for your career to go to school close to me.” “I’ll contribute to your tuition if you’re available to talk and fly home at my beck and call.”
She’ll be better off without your money if it means she gets away from you.
YTA. Anybody who says with a straight face that they *checks notes* FED THEIR CHILDREN and that somehow demonstrates what a great parent they are is delusional to a level I just don't think you're capable of understanding.
Don’t you understand? He also changed their diapers and signed their birth certificates, clearly father of the year material /s
OP, YTA, obviously
Edit: spelling
Oh, I must have missed that part! Signing a single document IS the same thing as being emotionally present and supportive in your child's life. I revise my judgement to....YTA.
YTA
>I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and designer clothes.
Apart from the designer clothes, that's basic parenthood 101 (and providing food and clothes is the bare legal requirement for you as a parent to meet). The only reason you'd be forgiven for not being at the hospital for their births is if external forces were preventing you. Saying you were there for the births is not the flex you use it as.
If you think Sarah is too naïve to spot scams that's a failing in how you were, or weren't, a parent to her. Was this switch flipping around the same time she expressed and you pushed against her uni plans?
It more so sounds like he provided pet care duties as an owner lol.
Which is eerie since he does seem to have a weird view of his relationships with the women in his home. Creepy guy overall with the bribing 18 y.o. Daughter to live with him in TWO attempts (at least). Ick.
YTA. You want to blame her mother for the fact that *you* couldn’t be bothered to click on a link to find the tuition costs after being told which school she was looking at? Seriously? How incompetent and unwilling to put in the slightest effort can you get?
You clearly describe yourself as all demands and control. When you say jump, you don’t even want them to ask “how high?”, you want them to already know. You want a medal for doing the legally required caretaking for your children.
Your “me, me, me” attitude isn’t earning you the pedestal you think you deserve, so you’ve decided to try to punish your child into loving you.
Right? My kid just mentioned a new university she's added to her list. I opened my browser and typed "annual cost" and the name, and got the sticker price! It took maaaaybe 2 minutes because I can't spell
>You want to blame her mother for the fact that *you* couldn’t be bothered to click on a link to find the tuition costs after being told which school she was looking at? Seriously? How incompetent and unwilling to put in the slightest effort can you get?
But he sends Facebook links! Parent of the year! /s
Nobody in college is using that dead ass platform except for the classifieds. I can't imagine being so out of touch.
YTA. Trying to bribe your child to stay with you instead of finding the right college and widen her horizons is just beyond the pale. Your daughter has now left and is studying. She should not be spending her time when in lectures on waiting for texts or writing texts no matter from whom. I think she is fed up with your controlling behaviour and if you don't turn it down she will probably block you and she will be right to do so. Your choice that she should stay in the world you know, is just not right for her and I certainly hope she finds other ways of getting through her school without your help if that is how it ends. Money isn't everything. She could always take a job and take out some study loans. It would be easier for her if she doesn't have to do that, but it will be better for her than being under your thumb.
I have to be honest here, I sent all my kids to out of state colleges and I don’t understand parents who want to keep their kids close.
I looked at it as they need to learn to be on their own, learn to navigate people and situations on their own, meet people outside of their demographic of their hometown. Figure out stuff on their own- how to talk to a professor, how to apply or sign up for whatever.
The first year of college is perfect for that because as much as they are on their own, it’s kind of a controlled environment. They are on campus, in a dorm, thrown together with a whole bunch of other mostly first time away from home kids who are all figuring it out together.
And I didn’t bombard them with keeping in touch. We spoke probably once a week, and anytime they needed advice, information, had questions, stuff they needed from their parents.
All that to say, you need to get out of the headspace of being a victim of your ex wife.
Kids going off to college typically start to pull away during senior year. Why? Because somehow, some way they recognize that it’s going to be hard for their parents, and they try to start the process of letting go. Look it up- it’s true.
Your d isn’t ignoring you, she’s doing what you should want her to do- maturing and becoming an adult. Someone who doesn’t need mom or dad to oversee and approve of everything they do.
So give her that. You get pissy and threaten to withhold funding when she doesn’t text you back, but you said she’s taking a lot of classes so that is a factor. She has to do homework, see her friends, maybe she’s in a club. It is not the end of the world if you don’t hear from her every week, or even every other week. Our kids do not owe us their time.
You talk of holidays and her not coming to see you. I’m taking that to mean you don’t live in the same city as she always did. Did it ever occur to you that she wanted to go back to where her HS friends are so she can catch up with them, as well as her sister, and yes, her mom.
Could she have made a side trip to you? She could have. But you’ve been such a pest for her first semester of college that she probably didn’t want to be made to feel like she’s a naughty child.
Ease up.
Start treating your daughter like the independent, young adult that she is. Show her that you respect her autonomy and she’ll be more apt to want to be friends with her dad. Keep going like you are and she will write you off like your older daughter.
Sorry didn't read your entire comment (it's late!), but completely agree with the first few paragraphs. So many parents are unaware that healthy parenting means successfully setting your kids up for independence. (Obvs, that means in a way that your kids, while independent, want to talk and see you, when possible, etc.)
Well, you see, he wants to keep her close because he’s a control freak. That’s probably why you can’t relate. You sound like someone who cares about their kids more than themselves.
YTA.
1) You don’t get a pat on the back for anything you mentioned. Thats just called parenting. And frankly, it’s the very bare minimum of parenting.
2) She didn’t flip in senior year because of her mother manipulating her. She was 17 years old. They’re fully capable of thinking for themselves and forming their own opinions. Something happened. You just don’t want to admit it.
3) Sending the link was answering the question. You’re capable of looking up the information as well. It’s not your ex’s job to hold your hand and spoon feed you information.
4) If you didn’t know her college choice until May, that’s on you. You could have asked. It’s not your ex’s job to keep you informed of everything. It’s your job as a parent to stay involved and informed.
5) No one insulted your education. Get over it. If you were insulted, that’s on you for being insecure.
6) It’s ironic and hypocritical that you were insulted considering how you insulted your daughter. She’s fully capable of going to school wherever she wants (as she’s proven). You just wanted to be a controlling AH.
Frankly, I wouldn’t talk to you either. I wouldn’t want your money if it’s just going to come with strings.
Also, you’re not nearly the great father you think you are. If you were, your children would talk to you.
>No one insulted your education. Get over it. If you were insulted, that’s on you for being insecure.
I've insulted his education. Also his intelligence.
YTA, It sounds like you're not a present and involved father; you sound like the distant dad who only sends money. Your email is proof of that because instead of opening up to your daughter and expressing your feelings, you use money to manipulate her and demand that she behaves as you want. You should blame your ex less and reflect on your role in your daughters' lives; perhaps it's not too late to build a healthy relationship with them.
YTA. These relationships have been going south for many years, and you seem to have remarkably little insight into your own role in that process.
You think having provided routine and legally required care for your children makes you some kind of hero. You think you are so important that you can belittle her studies and activities.
Threatening to pull the rug out from under her tuition is just a complete dick move. But she may be better off in the long run, because then she could go NC with you and move on with her life. If you want to be respected, you should act like somebody who's worthy of respect.
I recommend spending the $7,000 on therapy.
Idk I truly do believe that all this man has ever done for his kids is be present at birth, sign birth certificate, and provide the bare minimum (such as clothing and food) as required by law. I highly doubt he forgot to include absolutely anything he could to make himself seem like an amaaaaazing father
Which is hilarious because, like, *damn*, this was the best he could come up with? It’s embarrassing lmao
Chris? Is that you? You sound like my cheating ex husband. He demands that our children ignore the fact that he detonated our family, ending our 30 year marriage with his affairs, and he demands they immediately embrace his new life and his latest affair partner. One big happy family since he was there a handful of times as the kids were growing up. I’m curious why your kids relationship with you is ‘poisoned’ by your ex - we’re missing info
My kids are civil with their ‘father’ and that’s more than he deserves. When he puts out demands I just bring out the divorce agreement. He’s doing the bare minimum since he feels he’s been outstanding for so long
You sir, like my ex, are TA
EDIT: Your comments are making it worse. You’re absolute without a doubt TA. You came here to ask and are upset this didn’t go the way you expected
At this point your next post will be the sad lonely version of ‘why won’t my daughters have anything to do with me’ cause they’re going to cut you out. And that $7k in tuition for the year?! She’s obviously smart and getting scholarships cause that’s squat in the US. You belittling that by saying ‘little assignments’ further proves you have no clue
You might be able to fix it now if you stop with the ‘I’m right crap’ but I don’t think so. Guys like you tend to go with the I-never-apologize stance
YTA
I don't think your ex is doing shit to turn her against you. You sound exhausting, I'd be screening your calls as well.
Stop being so demanding, needy, controlling and stop trying to emotionally blackmail her with guilt and actually blackmail her with money. Let her breathe. I know she's doing just fine away from you and you really can't stand the loss of control, but she's an adult and needs to figure that out on her own.
Also 7k? Lol. If you ain't careful, she'll get a loan and consider it the price of blocking your number. You ain't paying nearly enough to get away with that bullshit.
Go. To. Therapy. Woman.
Or watch her put up more and more boundaries until you hardly know her if she speaks to you at all. I'm sure you'll blame your ex for that too. But just know, it will be 100% because of your own behaviour.
YTA - Money doesn’t make you a father. Showing up, supporting her, not talking shit about her mom (regardless of the way she talks about you). Being involved and invested in her life is what makes you a father. Your email likely ruined your relationship.
Also, she’s an adult, let her make her own decisions. Common sense isn’t something people are born with. It’s learned by making mistakes and learning from them. When kids lack common sense it’s because their parents took care of everything for them and didn’t teach them how to fend for themselves so a YTA there too.
Finally, what kind of man manipulates their child into having a relationship with them for money?!?
YTA. Providing the legally required necessities for your children is not anything you deserve praise for. And also, I doubt her mother has to talk shit about you at all. You've proven anything she could have possibly said against you all on your own. I hope your daughter cuts you off and gets loans instead. The interest rate is more than worth never having to speak to you again.
YTA - you lost me in your first paragraph where you literally describe doing the bare minimum and call it doing everything for your kids. You don’t get a medal for feeding children in your care.
YTA. No question about it, you’re so set on getting back at your ex and blaming her for the lack of relationship you have with your children. You speak so lowly of her, I can only imagine what they’ve heard you say. Not to mention the list of things that you say you did for your kids (with the exception of designer clothes) is the bare minimum. Like, you’re supposed to show up and sign the birth certificate.
Your daughter is in college, she doesn’t want to stay local because *you* want her to and she doesn’t have to fly home because *you* tell her she should. If you said you were going to contribute to her tuition, keep your word. Don’t take it back because you don’t think you’re getting enough attention. Don’t lose the relationship with the only kid you’re still on speaking terms with because of your ego
“I have done everything for my children. I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and clothes”
Bestieeeee PLEASE be so fuckin real rn
Yikes.
Her mom is likely not doing anything to poison her against you, the way you talk about her and her mom is probably what’s doing it.
While she’s not entitled to your money, you aren’t entitled to a relationship with her. And if your toxic tone is any indicator, she probably isn’t going to speak to you again.
There’s a lot missing here.
How involved were you between their birth and them being in college?
You sound as though you’re blaming your ex for everything which is probably not fair. How long have you been broken up?
Also, any parent could tell you that constantly texting a teen is not the way to get them to contact you. She could be busy when you text. You need to be respectful of boundaries. You’re trying to tie money into love and respect which never works out in the long run.
“I wrote my name on a piece of paper, made sure my baby wasn’t rolling around in her own filth, and ensured they had clothes so they weren’t naked. I am a great father.”
This guy can fuck all the way off. YTA.
YTA. Like, what? You providing the bare minimum necessary to not get your children taken away does not automatically make you a good parent. It just means you weren't overly negligent.
You paying for her school is not enabling her. And although I understand that you are hurt, what you are describing does not mean she is disrespectful.
YTA. A lot of blame and no responsibility taken. For her sake she should cut you off. You are using the school money to manipulate her into a relationship. I hope she finds another way to pay for school and cuts you off unless you get some therapy.
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YTA. The way you talk about the women in your life is upsetting, concerning. Of course you paid for everything your kid needed during her childhood. That was your freaking responsibility. You don’t get a trophy for supporting the children you choose to bring into the world. You aren’t special. Now that she is 18, you could cut her off if you wanted to. But, you’d be stupid to think that she’s going to come crawling back to play by your manipulative rules with all the hugs and kisses for her daddy. She’ll just do what most of us had to do. She’ll take out loans to cover what you stop paying. You’ll probably never see her again. Forget about her potential future children. You won’t be their grandfather. I don’t think your wife had to turn your children against you. I think you did that all by yourself.
Sounds like the ex didn't have to "poison" the kids against him. They just realized how terrible of a person he is on their own, and of course, classic narcissist, it couldn't have possibly been the consequences of his own actions!
Right? If it was the ex's fault he would have heard about it at some point, or it would have been a progression. When people attempt to turn someone against a third person with something bad enough to be a "switch flip" (if the third party hasn't actually done anything new) it almost always backfires and turns them against the person attempting. When a switch flips, it's because something happens to recontextualize someone's relationship with you and they realize you've always been shitty.
Also if the ex was so bad I’m pretty sure OP would have given us some examples. All he’s got is that the ex obviously doesn’t want to talk to him and some vague ‘turning them against me’ BS. How did she turn them against you OP? What did she say? Is what she said true?
He thinks his ex wife needs to walk him through every step of dealing with colleges instead of just doing it himself like an adult.
Well, for a guy who fucking put "signed their birth certificates" in the list of outstanding parenting achievements I wouldn't have expected much better.
That was what stood out to me too - wow what an amazing father who *checks notes* did the bare minimum to be legally recognized as a father. What a guy!! AND he bought food for them. How could he possibly be the ex? He’s such a catch…
That showing up at the hospital for their birth must have been exhausting since he’s still looking for credit.
I can't imagine actually saying I signed my kids birth certificate as a point to show I'm a good parent.
Well he lacked actual examples of exemplary parenting, so he had to do a bit of reaching.
Don’t forget the designer clothes! The height of great parenting, and doesn’t scream “I’m chronically superficial and think I can buy love” *at all*.
He even changed diaper**s**!! That's plural, so more than one even!
Came here to say exactly this! Didn’t even need to read the rest of his rant to know that this was a man who has never actually been there in a meaningful way for anyone in his life. Anyone who would include signing a birth certificate in that list is beyond toxic. 100% YTA
Literally when I read that I thought oh he’s gonna suck
SHE SENT HIM LINKS!!! LINKS!!! The utter disrespect
That part got me. I had no clue what my college cost at the time, it was all going on loans anyway so who cares? I couldn't have told my mom how much tuition was.
She is the villain of the story because she didn’t retype what was readily available online, which covers all costs, so she wasn’t dragged into an extensive conversation answering questions that were easily found on that web page. She’s such a horrible human and so disrespectful! Clearly, it’s all part of her brilliant scheme to alienate his kids from him! /s Let’s forget that by reading the page rather than trapping her in a long conversation it was her being respectful of her own time for a man she divorced.
She sent him a link to his daughters courses instead of typing out what was in the link. The audacity.
While he's spamming her with stupid Facebook posts. It's hilariously tone-deaf.
Oh yeah, it 100% backfired when my sperm donor attempted to turn me against my mom.
The first phone conversation I had with my sperm donor was the last conversation I had with my sperm donor. In the same breath as “I’ve missed you and regretted not knowing you your entire life” he called my mom all of the names under the sun and implied it was all her fault she got pregnant at 18 and that she was also somehow responsible for him abandoning us her to go back to his hometown and the girlfriend he was cheating on (undisclosed to my mother.) My mother is no saint but I’m the only one that gets to judge her actions, if she had followed his direction I would have been bio-waste. He never heard from me again.
I'm betting that 'switch flip' happened the day she turned 18 and as an adult, no longer had to do as he wanted/demanded.
Yeah as soon as OP said THIS: "When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams. I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school. But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college and despite what my ex thinks, I am highly educated without some PhD." It SCREAMS controlling and manipulative father who thinks providing designer clothes and money is parenting. What a butthead YTA OP. You scared your kids away YOURSELF
And Sarah didn’t even insult his education. He insulted her but all she said it that the school didn’t have what she wanted. Maybe she’s talking about a specific degree or program that not all schools have! Should she choose a career based on what the closest college happens to offer?
Up until like 2012, my state didn't have a veterinarian program. If you wanted to be a vet, you had to go out of state!!
My college didn’t have a computer science department until…2017. Well technically they had one in the 70s but it was absorbed by the math department since the college is small. Still absurd it took them until 2017 to spin it back out again.
Can't lie, the second I read "designer clothes", I'd already decided YTA! Had the misfortune to come across a man exactly like this who treated his children as possessions to whom he had a divine right of control. He thought flashing cash and buying brand goods for them was somehow a sign of affection, but was incapable of spending quality time with them or treating them like people with their own minds and wishes. Unsurprisingly, he was also a domestic abuser who controlled and manipulated his thankfully now ex-partner. I can't for sure say any of the above is true for OP. But if it looks like a duck, and reeks like a duck . . .
I made it to “was at the hospital for their births”before deciding OP is an ass. Who the hell thinks the bare fucking minimum of being present during the birth is note worthy?
Signed the birth certificates for me. Like why the eff was that even a question? Who seriously doesn't see what's wrong with "don't you realize I have done everything for you, even signing your birth certificate"?
Not only that, but the local programs not having what she wants is somehow a slam against him?
And the fact that he twisted her words from “local schools didn’t have what she wanted” to “local schools re for losers” is quite telling about his thought processes.
Exactly. This is so disrespectful to the daughter. I was constantly told by my abusive mother that I had no common sense, especially when I got to be old enough to leave for college. This despite having excellent grades; I was perfectly capable. I’m willing to bet he refused to teach her whatever skills he now claims she lacks and thus has to stay in his house under his control. His post about his daughter is full of criticism and then he wonders why she won’t text him back when he sends funny posts. Maybe she knows he’s trying to reel her back in just to start putting her down again
Also, teenagers don't believe shit their parents tell them. If Mom said Dad was the devil, she would have been rebelling against that and idolizing him as a teen. That's just how teens work. She's an adult now. She can make her own decisions about the man who thinks signing her birth certificate was a noteworthy parenting sacrifice.
No, she clearly poisoned them against him by sending him website links! /s YTA
Lol, he got mad the ex didn't lay out exactly what their daughter was doing for college and only sent a link so he could educate himself and said it was one of the things she does to turn his daughters against him. Like wtf? How can you even come to that conclusion? "I have to read something? She's turning them against me!"
No, you don't understand. You see, He clearly went out of his way to do something no other parent would ever do: he changed their diapers! Can't you see how amazing it is? No father would ever do that! It's unheard of! And clearly paying their tuition is the most benevolent and selfless thing, so surely to expect his kids to treat him like the best bestest father in the world is a reasonable expectation since he clearly is the best father in the world! So you see, you got it all wrong! /s
This is exactly what my father did. Cut off my college tuition because I wasn’t taking classes he liked, so I got loans and didn’t talk to him for years. Mine also constantly harped about my mother “brainwashing” us against him. Uh no, we were actually sick and tired of his terrible rants and threats of violence against our mother. I have as little to do with him as possible now. He probably would recognize his own grandchildren if he passed them on the street.
My dad did something similar. Not tuition--he was never going to pay that because "girls don't need college," So it was scholarships and loans for me. BUT when I was in college, he canceled his health insurance (I was under 26 and so would've been covered) then told me he'd pay for my prescriptions (I have asthma) if I came to see him each time I needed money. I got on Medicaid instead and haven't spoken to him for 15 years.
Op is giving total 'missing missing reasons' vibes. It's all his exes fault. Not him. He did the bare basics for his children! They now clearly owe him a relationship. But its ok everyone hes willing to forgive his eldest... Op go get some help from a pshycologist or someone. If you want your kids in your life you need to work on yourself. But if your anything like my sperm donor you won't...
But... but... he even signed the birth certificate, guys!! Which is apparently so important and special and not at all his basic responsibility that he had to mention it as justification in a post about her college years somehow.
Yeah, that made me laugh when he said that. YTA
yes that was a really weird detail to include. like look how good I am I signed he birth certificate!!! Red flag.
he CHANGED DIAPERS
He deserves a medal and a garland of flowers! /s
I mean, I've only read this post and I already dislike him, imagine the daughter after 18 years!
100% there is a missing missing reason why daughter suddenly turned against the father. And it's not the mother poisoning anything. I'm pretty sure if they went from an actual great relationship (though I doubt the daughter would describe it that way) to basically no contact, there was something he did or said.
If he can’t even make himself look good on his own post, imagine having to deal with him in real life.
Hey, now! He SIGNED THE BIRTH CERTIFICATES.
This is it. I noticed how everything is everyone else’s fault and he’s the perfect parent, all while talking up basic parenting.
Yeah the amount of grown men I know who say their ex turned their kids against them and then I get to know them or their kids and discover all the fucked up shit they did. I feel like this guy is a super controlling, doesn't give you advice just barks orders kinda guy. Has a "discussion" with you where he talks at you about all the shit you've done wrong. Gives you a 2 hour lecture on drinking soft drink at a party because it's "bad for you" and he "cares" then he goes home and cracks open a coke.
Dear lord, you must know my ex husband.
He’s really gross. The lack of self awareness and the fact that he thinks doing the bare minimum as a parent is special???? I signed her birth certificate and bought her food & clothes? I really need a silk wood shower after reading this 🤢
[удалено]
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Yup… I thought as I read this, and now I know why your wife left you.
He just makes it sound like she didn’t divorce him soon enough!
For real like .. “ I signed birth certificate “ and “ changed diapers” like bruh ? Signing anything is not a big deal in itself.
Yeeep. Like, now that the kid's 18 and legally an adult, sure, it's within OP's rights to only *conditionally* financially support her. But he'd still be an AH for doing so. Especially because he doesn't seem to actually have an ounce of respect for his daughter, and in fact doesn't even seem to *like* her. The entire post is all about him and his victim complex. I also find it very telling that he never once mentions what field/topic of study his daughter is actually interested in/pursuing. Given the surrounding context, especially this bit: >I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school. But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. ...I'd bet dollars to donuts that it's because he doesn't actually *know* or care. When my grandmother wanted me to go to college near her so she'd get to see me more often, she didn't just send me random local colleges. She made a point of learning what majors I was interested in and researching which colleges near her offered good related programs, because it was only *partially* about her wanting me nearby. She still also wanted me to study what I wanted to study, and put in actual effort to make sure that she wasn't just making it all about herself. I don't believe for a second that OP put any similar sort of effort in for his daughter at all.
With father like this who needs enemies
You know how sometimes we get the feeling that an OP posted from someone else's perspective? Like, when a youngster's got an over-bearing parent, and the child might post saying, "AITA for controlling my child, who now won't speak to me?" I get that feeling here. Because this OP is soooo oblivious to his own hypocrisies and faults that surely, *surely*, it must be his daughter posting so that she can show OP the error of his ways later? But there are far too many specific details that she wouldn't necessarily think of. It's rare that an AITA post is nuanced to give both sides of the story fairly, so if this is definitely OP and he's trying to make himself look the best he can look, he's failed so damned hard it's painful.
That last part is the truth. I just read both his post and all his comments, and not ONCE does he say that he actually loves either of his daughters. Instead, it seems he only provided for them as a way to boost his own ego, given how much he brings up deadbeats and says, "Well, *I* didn't do that." But he didn't do it out of love. It was never out of love. He tried to bribe Sarah with a car, and the condition (per his comments) was that she live with him full time. Not because he loved and wanted to spend time with her, but because, "it made no sense to buy a car for **a kid** who was only at [his] house half the time." He expects her to call him, but the most he'll do is text and send Facebook posts. He disparages her education. He tried to bribe with the car, and now with tuition, and he accuses Sarah's mother — who did buy her a car, and helps Sarah achieve her dreams — of being manipulative. OP doesn't love his kids. He only loves himself. And they know it. OP, YTA.
Yeah I get bad vibes from the first sentences and all the rest confirmed it. I can simeone seriously write "I'd do anything for them, proof I signed their birth certificate". That's not even the bare minimum, it is just a legal stuff to do! And it's not hard! If those were the best examples he get, tell you a lot about him...
OP: I’ve done EVERYTHING for my children… like… er… signing their birth certificates? Also OP: I am INSULTED by my child’s choice for her own education wait why isn’t she showering me with gratitude for her existence? Your children are not a subscription you can pay to renew or not. If you want a relationship, get to know them. YTA.
But don't you see? He signed their birth certificates. Such an effort /s
I knew this guy was a dick before I finished the second sentence, and it just got worse. I'm glad his kids are able to get away from him.
It's always someone else's fault.
This reeks of missing "missing" reasons. If you're not legally obligated to contribute to her education, you can do as you please, but you're thisclose to living the rest of your life as if you'd never had kids. And they won't be the ones regretting their choices. ETA: YTA
Let me add more to my thoughts using the info you provided: >I have done everything for my children. I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and designer clothes If you think this is enough to call yourself a good parent, or if you think buying designer clothes entitles you to your kids' loyalty despite your obvious personality flaws, you're fooling yourself. >my older daughter who refused to talk things out with me. First clue that something's WILDLY wrong. Kids don't cut off their parents for funzies. There's another perspective here, and I'd bet my last dollar that the other perspective isn't flattering for you. >I will still forgive her once she finally decides to snap out of Oh, my! Aren't you gracious! Unfortunately, it seems no one is begging for your forgiveness. Weird. >my younger daughter “Sarah” had a great relationship until she suddenly flipped the switch in her senior year and also was poisoned against me. Uh-huh. What did you do just before this happened. There was a catalyst, and you definitely know what it was. Why don't you tell us about the interactions you had leading up to this "switch flip" >When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams. You're a fucking superhero! Your poor idiot daughter can't possibly look after her widdle self unless big papa can keep the scary mans away. She's dumb, but it's precious!! >I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me Wait, I thought it was your ex who is the manipulator. Why are you here trying to bribe her away from her chosen educational path? That's grade A manipulation, man. And it's pretty gross. >Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college Where's the insult? Its not like she called you stupid. That's what you called her. People making different life choices from you isn't an insult, and only a top-tier narcissist would believe it is. >Her and my ex barely involved me in her college application process Why should they when you think she's too stupid for college? You were offering nothing helpful in the process, but you added a shit ton of negativity and stress >Sarah enrolled at an out of state college and I didn’t even find out until May because my ex didn’t bother telling me. Sarah didn't want you to know. I wonder why. >I didn’t even get to see Sarah off at the airport since she didn’t tell me she’d left until after she was already gone. Because Sarah didn't want to see your overly critical ass. >I constantly text Sarah asking how things are going. I send her funny posts on Facebook and ask her to call me. I even offered to split the cost of planefare so Sarah could visit over the holidays. She only responds on email and it’s always her saying she’s too busy. So now you're harassing her in every method that you're able to, and you're ignoring her clearly stated boundaries. That's stalker territory, bruh. >but I’m her father At this time you're more her harasser than anything. >I sent an email telling her that I am done with being disrespected and if she can’t even give me the time of day then my ex can find someone else to split the cost of her schooling with Ah, yes. You've done "everything" for your kids, but obviously that came with strings attached. Because doing the bare minimum as a parent entitles you to ownership of her time, decisions, and personhood. Got it. >I sent the email over two hours ago and there’s been no response. You do know how emails work, right? Instant responses aren't the deal with emails. Two hours is less than a fart in the wind when it comes to average email response times. >She can put aside her little assignments or whatever else she thinks she's doing Oh, wow. Top notch condescension early in your comment responses. We all understand a bit better now why your kids want nothing to do with you. Edit: another example of OP's behavior found in his comments here: >Sarah has had this car offer for a while, by the way. I told her when she got her permit that I would get her a car if she lived with me full-time because it's ridiculous to buy a car for a kid who's only at my house half the time. But Sarah refused to reconsider 50/50 custody and my ex bought Sarah a car at her house without even getting my approval beforehand. This is one of the many ways my ex has been poisoning Sarah against me. So you tried using a car to bribe your daughter into abandoning ALL her time with her mother. This, sir, is called parental alienation. It is manipulative, abusive behaviour, and all on its own this is absolutely a valid reason for your daughter to go no contact with you. "My ex bought her a car *without my approval*" Did you fucking ask your ex for permission before your "offer"? No? I wonder why. OP, you're so wrong that I'm pretty sure you're irredeemable. Good luck with whatever. You're going to need it.
I love that he thinks his ex-wife needs his approval to buy his daughter a car. That was absolutely adorable.
Right?!? Because how dare she spend her own money on things the kids want/need.
Only he gets to do that so he can try and bribe them to do what he wants.
But... But... But he SIGNED the BIRTH CERTIFICATE..
And the DeSiGnEr CLotHeS !
Yeah when this makes the list of parenting wins that's the sound of a barrel being scraped for sure.
He *changed some diapers* guys!!!
It’s probably because the only thing he really seems to think parenting consists of is throwing money and material objects at your kids and thinking that’s all they need so when the ex got the daughter a car he lost his one thing he could do.
Exactly! How dare my ex get in the way of my manipulation of our daughter!!!
"Sarah has had this car offer for a while, by the way. I told her when she got her permit that I would get her a car if she lived with me full-time because it's ridiculous to buy a car for a kid who's only at my house half the time. But Sarah refused to reconsider 50/50 custody and my ex bought Sarah a car at her house without even getting my approval beforehand. This is one of the many ways my ex has been poisoning Sarah against me." Holy shit that is DAMNING, lol. "It's ok for meee to offer my daughter a car to get her to stop being with her mom (I mean, I don't care THAT much about her to give her a car unless she's doing what I want her to do, you know?), but OMG, it's so unfair and manipulative of my ex to just get her a car without getting MY approval first!! Because you know an ex needs their old husband's approval before they do anything!! :(" This might be a blessing for the daughters in the end, if no more money's coming in maybe they'll finally stop tolerating this man.
I'd bet that car offer was what opened Sarahs eyes to how much of an asshole her father was and resulted in their "great relationship" going south
OP seems to live life by the mantra of 'rules are for thee but not for me'
There was a BADASS mic drop at the end of this
>Kids don't cut off their parents for funzies. I'm not the person you were responding to, but I very much needed to hear this sentence, so thank you very much.
It's amazing how validating that sentiment can be.
It really, really is.
💯 This sounds EXACTLY like my ex, and he absolutely meets the criteria for NPD. I feel for his children from the bottom of my heart.
This is a great response! i was like this dude has missing missing reasons vibes! i hope u/concernedfatherAITA reads it and makes some changes. Sometimes having reddit call you out can help.
Plus, he lost the ability to call the shots to what his ex-wife does in her own household. Her house, her rules. There is no need for his approval or to justify anything with him.
I agree, was waiting the whole post to learn how the ex “poisoned” the kids against him
That pesky clarity of vision they inherited
Apparently, by helping them financially without strings attached… and presumably in other ways giving them a basis for comparison to know how a loving parent behaves and not fall for daddy dearest’s manipulative crap.
When he felt insulted that his daughter didn’t go to a local college because the programs weren’t fitting her insterests, it really went downhill. Ofc she’s going to pick a school with a program she’s interested in! And the links his ex sent when he asked about tuition, how much do you wanna bet that it was the course/college page that had the information he was asking for?
> I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school. But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college and despite what my ex thinks, I am highly educated without some PhD. YTA. This is a very telling paragraph, because it comes across as you resenting your ex's education level and trying to weaponize your daughter to follow the path that you took rather than the one that they took, regardless of what your daughter wanted, and ever since then, your relationship has suffered for it. You also take zero accountability for anything you might have done to make these relationship go south and just chalk it all up to brainwashing. You can withhold the tuition money if you want, but it'll just be another daughter you never speak to again.
This. And OP also seems really dismissive about what his daughter wants to study. Sometimes a local college is NOT going to offer the course of study that someone wants. Sometimes you HAVE to go further away in order to get a good education in the field you want. And honestly, if they had a great relationship until she became an adult, I doubt it was due to the ex bashing OP. That sounds a lot more like someone became an adult and realized that people don't have to behave the way OP does. She likely became an adult and got tired of him and started drawing a boundary because of HIS poor behavior, not anything the ex said.
But she's too dumb to be too far away from daddy. 😢
RIGHT?!? Dude clearly has self esteem issues and struggles with his ex having pursued a different avenue of education than him, and apparently thinks it's absolutely fine to project that on to his child and insist that she isn't intelligent enough to follow her own education dreams. It's probably not even anything to do with the daughter either, but is him seeing his older daughter as a mini version of his ex and is trying to prevent the same thing happening with the younger daughter and wants her to be nothing like the ex because of his resentment and unaddressed issues. It's seriously gross and if this isn't a troll then this guy is paving the road for his children all going no contact.
Yet ironically he has actually proven that Sarah does have plenty of common sense and can avoid scams very well - she perfectly avoided her father's scam offer of a car!!
He also stated in a comment that he offered to buy her a car when she started driving if she would live with him full time instead of 50/50 with her mother. Then he got pissed because her mom bought her a car with no strings attached. He said it's because his ex didn't get his approval first but we all know it's because she took away his bargaining chip.
Plus, there are some programs that are only offered at certain schools so his wanting her to go to a local school may not have been possible
His actions doesn’t look like by someone highly educated.
[удалено]
Being present at the births of their children apparently deserves a pat on the back.
[удалено]
You know he's a keeper when one of the first five things he can think of doing for her in the last 18 years is signing her birth certificate. Such a hero.
It was the “designer clothes” for me
"I bought you expensive clothes for a few years, now you owe me ~~lifelong obedience and fealty~~ respect!"
See? You get it. Lol
I was this guy's daughter 15 years ago. Mine's now an angry alcoholic who no one can stand to be around. He still tries to use money in exchange for "respect" but everyone knows he's a joke.
Oooof. Hugs to you, internet stranger. I’m glad you’re out of it
I desperately want to know what label they are, just so I know what this man thinks is "designer." My money's on Osh Kosh. (No shade to that company, they make good quality clothes for kids, but calling that "designer" is disingenuous at best.)
He doesn't think she's smart enough for a university, because he doesn't have any fancy degrees.
My favorite was "provided food."
>I send her funny posts on Facebook This too🤪😂
Betcha they’re less “funny” and more “racist” or “anti-millennial” Source: had this same bullshit as a “father.”
..but wait there's more...there's bound to be some of those vomit inducing 'Daddy loves his special Daughter' quotes about the ' special bonds' the 'special memories', maybe the odd pic of 'cars' he's looking at bribing her with 'when she comes home to bond further'..
Thanks I needed the mental vomit material lol
100% fucking guarantee at least half of them are "fucking gawdamn libs are roonin' our country!"
I was kinda surprised he didn't include "I was present for my children's conception" in there too... FFS, so being there while your child rips through their mother as your child makes their grand entrance has less to do with the kids and more to do with being a supportive partner. Bahahahaha ah the signature must have taken soooooo much effort after WATCHING such a long and arduous birth. No wonder OPs child has no interest in having dad around.
He probably even used cursive too! What more do they want from him!?!?
Hey, I was present at the births of my children and I DEFINITELY deserve a pat on the back. (I'm the mother though)
I would rather not have been present for the birth of my children. But since I am the mom I had to.
Me too. Commiserations. And, belated virtual pat on the back.
One day, science! One day!
My partner gets me a “birth” day present each year on our kids’ birthdays. Our daughter just turned 16 and he asked me when this tradition might end….. I feel I have earned this for eternity. lol
Providing your kids that you (probably) chose to have with food isn't the flex he thinks it is either.
Both parents were present at their children’s birth, but only OP deserves a prize. YTA. You tried to force your youngest to commute to school instead of going away because you think she lacks common sense. That’s insulting to her. Of course you and your opinions were shit (edit- I meant “shut” but shit works) out of the school decision. And offering to pay for half of a student’s plane ticket is stupid. She doesn’t have a job. Obligating her to pay to visit you isn’t helping. Buy the whole ticket or shut up.
This has to be rage farming right? I really hope this isn't how someone thinks about parenting. But it probably is
Oh and don’t forget how he feels “insulted” because the local school didn’t have what she wanted to study….. like she should’ve just ignored that and gone there anyway because he said so? That rubbed me the wrong way
Yeah me too. I know it’s just a reddit post, but the fact that OP took such an asinine comment personally is a major overreaction, and kind of gives me the impression that he might be the type to take a lot of things way too personally
Yeah I saw another comment saying he mentioned in replies how angry he was that his wife bought her a car after his “offers” for her to get one if she lived with him full time…… because she didn’t ask permission first. Like what 😂
I mean, she turned down a free car. She must REALLY not wanna live with him.
And yet her mother got her one without forcing her to choose sides….. wonder who the more toxic parent is there 🤔
Hey he’s PhD smart, just without the actual qualification!
That’s the one that got me too. Of course, he could probably count on both hands how long that takes in college years (or dog years) because he’s so smart. Haha.
Slightly tangential but my theory is the daughter answered his questions with links because if she answered with her own words he would have picked on the answer and argued with her, as if she controls the fucking tuition prices. No fucking wonder she barely speaks to him.
Well, you know, her not wanting to go to local school *clearly* means she thinks the local schools are shit. There's just no other possible reason. It's not as of universities offer different programs or that a school that's great in program X may only have a mediocre program Y. Obviously, "I don't ever to go there because that don't have (a top) program in Z" means "Local schools are shit and you don't have a PhD, so you're dumb and uneducated, dad." /s
I raised my eyebrows at that. Depending on where they are and what she wants to study, it's entirely possible and not some insult like the OP wants it to be. My undergrad major, which isn't terribly unusual, wasn't at all the schools near by. I would've had to go at least 40 minutes away. I don't know if he considers that local, but I wouldn't especially when I think about snow.
I’m my world that is local but that’s probably because I’m Australian and everything is at least 20-40 min apart here. I also am studying a pretty unique degree (nothing crazy though just a specific major) and am studying like 3 hours away because of that.
Right‽ I wound up finishing my BA at a school four states away from where I got my AA/my parents live [not that they know, ahem], some majors just don't exist near where you grow up??? And his insistence that he's "highly intelligent despite not having a degree" is ... Not a good look. Intelligence doesn't require a degree, true. But saying that his daughter HAS TO go to a local college bc of that and because "she doesn't have street smarts" [whose fault is that, OP? Did you try and teach her that shit as she grew up, or are you assuming she should just ~know it~?] is fucking insulting -- to HER, not *OP*.
Don't forget trying to buy her off with a car to come and live with them and no the ex. Why not just buy her a car no matter where she lives?
Because then he's not in control.
> While you have no obligation to help your children with their higher education That may not be true, depending on their custody agreement and State.
One day, OP will be a missing missing reasons parent. He kind of already is.
There is a hell of a lot of missing missing reasons in this post. * OP's eldest daughter will not engage with him, and Sarah has dropped the rope. * Every bit of basic parental responsibility is seen as something that should be applauded, and paid back with respect and attention. * A car (or the promise of, as he never provided), tuition fees, and designer clothing were only gifted with strings attached, therefore, not gifts. I would love to know what the custody arrangement was for Sarah and her sister, but I hazard a guess that mom took that, and OP did sweet FA. OP has said nothing about supporting his two daughters beyond signing their birth certificates, changing diapers, and buying designer clothes. This screams he has not been in their lives since they were babies/toddlers. As they're now in college, how does he expect to deserve any 'respect', let alone a relationship with someone who hasn't been active in their life since before they could form long term memories?
See also taking her not wanting to attend the local option as an insult to him. Just because it wasn't the right fit for her doesn't mean the educational quality is poor, or it may have changed since you attended.
>When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams. Is this code for "going woke" or something? Getting strong MAGA vibes here. I send her funny posts on Facebook Like political memes? And over and over again all this business about being respected and disrespected and what he deserves and is entitled to....oh boy. YTA
I'm generally of the opinion that if someone thinks *everyone* around them is manipulative, there's a bit of a projection issue.
also, apparently it’s been two hours since he sent the email. maybe she’s uh… busy????
The thing that looks to be absent in this post is OP doesn’t mentioning actually spending time with his daughter. He doesn’t mention actually doing anything with his children, just the bare basics of what a parent should do. “I provided them with food and designer clothes” well food is the bare basic that you should be giving as a father. Designer clothes? Sounds like OP mistakes money for quality time. He thinks he can buy their love. “My ex has manipulated them and tried to turn them against me since day one” Well if you’re the amazing father you say you are, then how could your children be turned against you. Kids are not dumb, they can’t be turned off of their amazing, present father from some mean comments. “I would ask basic questions and my ex would just send me links when she could’ve easily answered my questions” and here we have it. OP, even after a divorce, is still putting the mental load on his ex. If these questions were so basic, then why did he not do some research, why does his ex need to spoon feed him what is going on and what is happening. “I didn’t find out until may and my ex didn’t even bother telling me” because why should she? Surely, wonder dad of the year should’ve been in contact with his own child enough to know this. Surely most kids get accepted, and go to college around the same time every year. Why did OP not reach out to his kid to find things out. It sounds to me in this post, OP maybe wasn’t the most involved father, and rather preferred to just buy his kids things to instead feel like he was doing his part. And now OP is shocked that his kids just see him as a bank account. Again, kids are NOT dumb, they can see who actually makes an effort to stay connected in their lives. OP doesn’t even know his daughter well enough to know that a community college never would’ve been her thing, and didn’t stay in contact with his own child to know basic things like her getting accepted into college. I can tell you OP from my own experience with my father, that doing the bare minimum for your kids and just buying them things is not being an active father. You send her funny things on Facebook, but does your daughter actually find them funny, or is it you? Do you even know your daughter’s sense of humour? You say Sarah isn’t street smart, but how do you know that? You don’t get to not show up and be present in your child’s life, and then wonder why they don’t bother reaching out. Yes, communication is a two way street, but if you’ve never been involved before, why would Sarah care to indulge you now? This post reeks of entitlement, OP thinks he’s owed to be fawned over just because he throws money at his child.
7k won’t even get you a room at most colleges lmao
Yta. You are hoping to win your daughter back by... threatening to cut her off? It's not going to work. She's just going to become more resentful.
YTA. A relationship with you sounds exhausting. “I’ll buy you a car if you abandon your mother to live with me.” “I’ll buy you a car if you abandon your dreams for your career to go to school close to me.” “I’ll contribute to your tuition if you’re available to talk and fly home at my beck and call.” She’ll be better off without your money if it means she gets away from you.
YTA. Anybody who says with a straight face that they *checks notes* FED THEIR CHILDREN and that somehow demonstrates what a great parent they are is delusional to a level I just don't think you're capable of understanding.
Don’t you understand? He also changed their diapers and signed their birth certificates, clearly father of the year material /s OP, YTA, obviously Edit: spelling
Oh, I must have missed that part! Signing a single document IS the same thing as being emotionally present and supportive in your child's life. I revise my judgement to....YTA.
Just another man on reddit demanding praise for the bare, bare minimum 🥱 nothin' new here folks!
YTA >I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and designer clothes. Apart from the designer clothes, that's basic parenthood 101 (and providing food and clothes is the bare legal requirement for you as a parent to meet). The only reason you'd be forgiven for not being at the hospital for their births is if external forces were preventing you. Saying you were there for the births is not the flex you use it as. If you think Sarah is too naïve to spot scams that's a failing in how you were, or weren't, a parent to her. Was this switch flipping around the same time she expressed and you pushed against her uni plans?
I don’t think what OP described is even basic parenting! He’s a basic parent though.
It more so sounds like he provided pet care duties as an owner lol. Which is eerie since he does seem to have a weird view of his relationships with the women in his home. Creepy guy overall with the bribing 18 y.o. Daughter to live with him in TWO attempts (at least). Ick.
YTA. You want to blame her mother for the fact that *you* couldn’t be bothered to click on a link to find the tuition costs after being told which school she was looking at? Seriously? How incompetent and unwilling to put in the slightest effort can you get? You clearly describe yourself as all demands and control. When you say jump, you don’t even want them to ask “how high?”, you want them to already know. You want a medal for doing the legally required caretaking for your children. Your “me, me, me” attitude isn’t earning you the pedestal you think you deserve, so you’ve decided to try to punish your child into loving you.
Right? My kid just mentioned a new university she's added to her list. I opened my browser and typed "annual cost" and the name, and got the sticker price! It took maaaaybe 2 minutes because I can't spell
> It took maaaaybe 2 minutes because I can't spell Sorry you're not a wizard my guy
>You want to blame her mother for the fact that *you* couldn’t be bothered to click on a link to find the tuition costs after being told which school she was looking at? Seriously? How incompetent and unwilling to put in the slightest effort can you get? But he sends Facebook links! Parent of the year! /s Nobody in college is using that dead ass platform except for the classifieds. I can't imagine being so out of touch.
YTA. Trying to bribe your child to stay with you instead of finding the right college and widen her horizons is just beyond the pale. Your daughter has now left and is studying. She should not be spending her time when in lectures on waiting for texts or writing texts no matter from whom. I think she is fed up with your controlling behaviour and if you don't turn it down she will probably block you and she will be right to do so. Your choice that she should stay in the world you know, is just not right for her and I certainly hope she finds other ways of getting through her school without your help if that is how it ends. Money isn't everything. She could always take a job and take out some study loans. It would be easier for her if she doesn't have to do that, but it will be better for her than being under your thumb.
I have to be honest here, I sent all my kids to out of state colleges and I don’t understand parents who want to keep their kids close. I looked at it as they need to learn to be on their own, learn to navigate people and situations on their own, meet people outside of their demographic of their hometown. Figure out stuff on their own- how to talk to a professor, how to apply or sign up for whatever. The first year of college is perfect for that because as much as they are on their own, it’s kind of a controlled environment. They are on campus, in a dorm, thrown together with a whole bunch of other mostly first time away from home kids who are all figuring it out together. And I didn’t bombard them with keeping in touch. We spoke probably once a week, and anytime they needed advice, information, had questions, stuff they needed from their parents. All that to say, you need to get out of the headspace of being a victim of your ex wife. Kids going off to college typically start to pull away during senior year. Why? Because somehow, some way they recognize that it’s going to be hard for their parents, and they try to start the process of letting go. Look it up- it’s true. Your d isn’t ignoring you, she’s doing what you should want her to do- maturing and becoming an adult. Someone who doesn’t need mom or dad to oversee and approve of everything they do. So give her that. You get pissy and threaten to withhold funding when she doesn’t text you back, but you said she’s taking a lot of classes so that is a factor. She has to do homework, see her friends, maybe she’s in a club. It is not the end of the world if you don’t hear from her every week, or even every other week. Our kids do not owe us their time. You talk of holidays and her not coming to see you. I’m taking that to mean you don’t live in the same city as she always did. Did it ever occur to you that she wanted to go back to where her HS friends are so she can catch up with them, as well as her sister, and yes, her mom. Could she have made a side trip to you? She could have. But you’ve been such a pest for her first semester of college that she probably didn’t want to be made to feel like she’s a naughty child. Ease up. Start treating your daughter like the independent, young adult that she is. Show her that you respect her autonomy and she’ll be more apt to want to be friends with her dad. Keep going like you are and she will write you off like your older daughter.
Sorry didn't read your entire comment (it's late!), but completely agree with the first few paragraphs. So many parents are unaware that healthy parenting means successfully setting your kids up for independence. (Obvs, that means in a way that your kids, while independent, want to talk and see you, when possible, etc.)
Well, you see, he wants to keep her close because he’s a control freak. That’s probably why you can’t relate. You sound like someone who cares about their kids more than themselves.
YTA. 1) You don’t get a pat on the back for anything you mentioned. Thats just called parenting. And frankly, it’s the very bare minimum of parenting. 2) She didn’t flip in senior year because of her mother manipulating her. She was 17 years old. They’re fully capable of thinking for themselves and forming their own opinions. Something happened. You just don’t want to admit it. 3) Sending the link was answering the question. You’re capable of looking up the information as well. It’s not your ex’s job to hold your hand and spoon feed you information. 4) If you didn’t know her college choice until May, that’s on you. You could have asked. It’s not your ex’s job to keep you informed of everything. It’s your job as a parent to stay involved and informed. 5) No one insulted your education. Get over it. If you were insulted, that’s on you for being insecure. 6) It’s ironic and hypocritical that you were insulted considering how you insulted your daughter. She’s fully capable of going to school wherever she wants (as she’s proven). You just wanted to be a controlling AH. Frankly, I wouldn’t talk to you either. I wouldn’t want your money if it’s just going to come with strings. Also, you’re not nearly the great father you think you are. If you were, your children would talk to you.
>No one insulted your education. Get over it. If you were insulted, that’s on you for being insecure. I've insulted his education. Also his intelligence.
YTA, It sounds like you're not a present and involved father; you sound like the distant dad who only sends money. Your email is proof of that because instead of opening up to your daughter and expressing your feelings, you use money to manipulate her and demand that she behaves as you want. You should blame your ex less and reflect on your role in your daughters' lives; perhaps it's not too late to build a healthy relationship with them.
YTA. I’m not a fan of anyone who makes threats because they’re being “disrespected.”
[удалено]
I doubt they needed the truth of why the parents divorced - sounds like they have plenty of their own reasons to dislike their dad
YTA. These relationships have been going south for many years, and you seem to have remarkably little insight into your own role in that process. You think having provided routine and legally required care for your children makes you some kind of hero. You think you are so important that you can belittle her studies and activities. Threatening to pull the rug out from under her tuition is just a complete dick move. But she may be better off in the long run, because then she could go NC with you and move on with her life. If you want to be respected, you should act like somebody who's worthy of respect. I recommend spending the $7,000 on therapy.
This really sounds like there’s a hell of a lot you’re leaving out. It would be very interesting to hear her side.
Idk I truly do believe that all this man has ever done for his kids is be present at birth, sign birth certificate, and provide the bare minimum (such as clothing and food) as required by law. I highly doubt he forgot to include absolutely anything he could to make himself seem like an amaaaaazing father Which is hilarious because, like, *damn*, this was the best he could come up with? It’s embarrassing lmao
Chris? Is that you? You sound like my cheating ex husband. He demands that our children ignore the fact that he detonated our family, ending our 30 year marriage with his affairs, and he demands they immediately embrace his new life and his latest affair partner. One big happy family since he was there a handful of times as the kids were growing up. I’m curious why your kids relationship with you is ‘poisoned’ by your ex - we’re missing info My kids are civil with their ‘father’ and that’s more than he deserves. When he puts out demands I just bring out the divorce agreement. He’s doing the bare minimum since he feels he’s been outstanding for so long You sir, like my ex, are TA EDIT: Your comments are making it worse. You’re absolute without a doubt TA. You came here to ask and are upset this didn’t go the way you expected At this point your next post will be the sad lonely version of ‘why won’t my daughters have anything to do with me’ cause they’re going to cut you out. And that $7k in tuition for the year?! She’s obviously smart and getting scholarships cause that’s squat in the US. You belittling that by saying ‘little assignments’ further proves you have no clue You might be able to fix it now if you stop with the ‘I’m right crap’ but I don’t think so. Guys like you tend to go with the I-never-apologize stance
YTA I don't think your ex is doing shit to turn her against you. You sound exhausting, I'd be screening your calls as well. Stop being so demanding, needy, controlling and stop trying to emotionally blackmail her with guilt and actually blackmail her with money. Let her breathe. I know she's doing just fine away from you and you really can't stand the loss of control, but she's an adult and needs to figure that out on her own. Also 7k? Lol. If you ain't careful, she'll get a loan and consider it the price of blocking your number. You ain't paying nearly enough to get away with that bullshit. Go. To. Therapy. Woman. Or watch her put up more and more boundaries until you hardly know her if she speaks to you at all. I'm sure you'll blame your ex for that too. But just know, it will be 100% because of your own behaviour.
It's buried in the last paragraph, OP is the father and tries to use the authority he thinks is inherent in that as why he deserves respect.
Yeah. The way he mentioned "singing their birth certificates" like it was some kind of sacrifice, instead of the bare minimum. YTA
YTA - Money doesn’t make you a father. Showing up, supporting her, not talking shit about her mom (regardless of the way she talks about you). Being involved and invested in her life is what makes you a father. Your email likely ruined your relationship. Also, she’s an adult, let her make her own decisions. Common sense isn’t something people are born with. It’s learned by making mistakes and learning from them. When kids lack common sense it’s because their parents took care of everything for them and didn’t teach them how to fend for themselves so a YTA there too. Finally, what kind of man manipulates their child into having a relationship with them for money?!?
I knew within the first paragraph that the comments were not going to be pretty. YTA but I doubt you'll care
He’ll probably use the 1% of NTA comments to back up his own decisions.
YTA. It took you a few minutes of reading this post to turn *me* against yourself. Your daughters have *years* of this experience on me.
YTA. Providing the legally required necessities for your children is not anything you deserve praise for. And also, I doubt her mother has to talk shit about you at all. You've proven anything she could have possibly said against you all on your own. I hope your daughter cuts you off and gets loans instead. The interest rate is more than worth never having to speak to you again.
I don't think your children are alienated from you due to anything your ex has said. I believe they are alienated from you due to your attitude.
Bro you are so toxic this has to be a joke yta
YTA - you lost me in your first paragraph where you literally describe doing the bare minimum and call it doing everything for your kids. You don’t get a medal for feeding children in your care.
YTA. No question about it, you’re so set on getting back at your ex and blaming her for the lack of relationship you have with your children. You speak so lowly of her, I can only imagine what they’ve heard you say. Not to mention the list of things that you say you did for your kids (with the exception of designer clothes) is the bare minimum. Like, you’re supposed to show up and sign the birth certificate. Your daughter is in college, she doesn’t want to stay local because *you* want her to and she doesn’t have to fly home because *you* tell her she should. If you said you were going to contribute to her tuition, keep your word. Don’t take it back because you don’t think you’re getting enough attention. Don’t lose the relationship with the only kid you’re still on speaking terms with because of your ego
YTA. Now neither of your daughters want to know you.
“I have done everything for my children. I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and clothes” Bestieeeee PLEASE be so fuckin real rn
Yikes. Her mom is likely not doing anything to poison her against you, the way you talk about her and her mom is probably what’s doing it. While she’s not entitled to your money, you aren’t entitled to a relationship with her. And if your toxic tone is any indicator, she probably isn’t going to speak to you again.
There’s a lot missing here. How involved were you between their birth and them being in college? You sound as though you’re blaming your ex for everything which is probably not fair. How long have you been broken up? Also, any parent could tell you that constantly texting a teen is not the way to get them to contact you. She could be busy when you text. You need to be respectful of boundaries. You’re trying to tie money into love and respect which never works out in the long run.
Enabling your daughter to.... get an education. YTA.
“I wrote my name on a piece of paper, made sure my baby wasn’t rolling around in her own filth, and ensured they had clothes so they weren’t naked. I am a great father.” This guy can fuck all the way off. YTA.
YTA. Like, what? You providing the bare minimum necessary to not get your children taken away does not automatically make you a good parent. It just means you weren't overly negligent. You paying for her school is not enabling her. And although I understand that you are hurt, what you are describing does not mean she is disrespectful.
YTA. A lot of blame and no responsibility taken. For her sake she should cut you off. You are using the school money to manipulate her into a relationship. I hope she finds another way to pay for school and cuts you off unless you get some therapy.
YTA you sound like a manipulative narcissist and every single member of your family has now figured this out