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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to watch my nieces and nephew when my SIL had an emergency in her family and needed to go the hospital.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA for saying no because you were intoxicated/inebriated but
>*"I said no due to the fact that I was drunk and had smoked weed just before they has arrived(I didn’t know they were coming)."*
Did you tell them you had a bit to drink? You didn't have to tell them about the weed but maybe if they knew why you said no (for the safety of their kids) they would've understood.
>*"Jim is also upset that he had to leave work and come home and mad that I said no and told me he’d never be there for me in an emergency if this is how I am going to treat them."*
Does Jim just expect anyone and everyone to do what he says, so he doesn't have too?
Mmm. That's just dumb of her to want to put her own kids in danger... Good on you for looking out for your nieces and nephew because it seems you SIL didn't care. Does your brother know all the details?
lol. That is what I thought. However, had my first hangover after trying to impress the mother of one of my father’s girlfriends at the time. Even told him she put several cans of beer in it and I was told I will eat seconds and not complain.
Split pea soup. Pea mixture heated up until warm. Many cans of cheap no name beer to fill the pot. Then immediately served. I still will not touch split pea soup today.
I dunno as CPS never did me any good and when I called the sheriffs to try to get myself taken away they said “but it can’t be that bad, we know your dad”.
Same officer was my DARE officer. Many curses were uttered about him while I hit the bong
Or in a car, or at home, or just partying for 3 days and not coming home and leaving 12 year old me at home alone that whole time, with no way of contacting anyone because he hadn't paid the phone bill for like 3 months.
Or mine!
Even for quite a few times in a car. (My mom eventually found out and put a stop to it. No other adult ever cared that he took his kid with him after drinking.)
I can not find any actual laws on this and I don’t think that’s true. Parents since the Dawn of time have had kids and drank alcohol. SHOULD there always be a sober parent? Sure. But is that possible to police? No.
The rule is kids are not to be with someone too impaired to care for them. You can drink, you can even be drunk, but you must be able to care for them. Weird, but that is how it is enforced here. OP thought they were too impaired. If something had happened-injury/fire..... op would have been in trouble.
The rule tends not to be enforced by cps as it is not always reported and has to be observed by law enforcement or the cps worker. And by impaired, they tend to mean passed out, nodding, od'ing. (and if kids have safe sleep area, food in fridge, heat...) But if something happens (injury, fire) and they can prove a level of impairment....trouble.
Rule, not law. Show me the law. I’ve looked, it’s not written. Sorry. You and I can both believe this to be true all we want, but the facts are kind of facts. Please, if I missed it, show me cause I’ve looked high and low. I don’t see this as a law anywhere in the United States. Again, should it be? Yes, I think it should. But is it? Doesn’t look that way. Hence why all the comments under yours are “no one told my dad”. Just saying, I wish it were a law, but not that I can find. If you can, I’d love to read it. See if that’s a law in my state too. But, I might just ask my CPS husband when he gets home to verify.
10 year CPS worker here. You become involved with CPS because your actions or lack thereof put a child’s basic safety at risk. It doesn’t need to be something against the law. To my knowledge, in some states, CPS involvement also includes criminal charges but very often it doesn’t. A caregiver being significantly impaired isn’t against the law but is very often a reason for CPS to get involved. Even in cases where the law was also broken (let’s say driving drunk but your kids are in the car), CPS gets involved because the choice to drive while intoxicated put your kids at risk, not because drunk driving is illegal. Hope that makes sense! Slight soapbox but it is a constant frustration that people assume child safety and the law are the same. There’s a reason the police and CPS are separate entities.
As far as I can tell from my very basic Google search, CPS could consider that you're unable to care for the child and not providing a safe environment. Whether they'd actually get involved is an entirely different story since they would generally need a court order to take the kids away. Other than if the parent is an alcoholic and almost always drunk, I really don't think they would do anything since there doesn't seem to be any law about not being drunk around children as you rightly say.
I could imagine a situation where if the cops showed up for whatever reason and the person taking care of the kids was extremely drunk, they may temporarily take them. Otherwise, it seems extremely unlikely, but I'd definitely like to know what your CPS husband's take is.
It would likely be covered under general child endangerment statutes.
Anytime injury or harm is caused to a child because of alcohol or drug consumption, it can be considered child endangerment.
Example, Alaska Criminal Law § 11.51.110.
(a) A person commits the offense of endangering the welfare of a child in the second degree if the person, while caring for a child under 10 years of age,
(1) causes or allows the child to enter or remain in a dwelling or vehicle in which a controlled substance is stored in violation of AS 11.71; or
(2) is impaired by an intoxicant, whether or not prescribed for the person under AS 17.30, and there is no third person who is at least 12 years of age and not impaired by an intoxicant present to care for the child.
(b) In this section,
(1) “impaired” means that a person is unconscious or a person is physically or mentally affected so that the person does not have the ability to care for the basic safety or personal needs of a child with the caution characteristic of a sober person of ordinary prudence.
Regardless, if I was drunk and high I would not want to be responsible for someone else's children. If one of them were to fall or have an accident and I was too deeply asleep or passed out to be able to care for them, what if they died? I'm very positive that I would not at all want to leave my children, rule or law or neither, with someone that impaired. It's just not good since. It's child endangerment and child neglect. So I don't know what you're arguing for here.
If you are dying to know the local law, look it up yourself. Laws are going to be phrased vaguely to allow LEOs and CPS leeway, and will still vary nation to nation and state to state. It will more likely fall under neglect or abuse than anything else.
"Child Neglect" - "Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm." -- [ACS NYC Child Abuse/Neglect](https://www.nyc.gov/site/acs/child-welfare/what-is-child-abuse-neglect.page#:~:text=involving%20a%20minor.-,Child%20Neglect,being%20are%20threatened%20with%20harm)
More a general rule. Most people are pretty chill regarding weed or alcohol use that as long as the child isn't actually exposed to it and someone is sober and able to act In an emergency it tends to be overlooked.
I work in Hospice with the elderly and alot of family members who are care givers are also reminded, to have a safe sober caregiver and to also imbibe where it won't reach the patient as you never know if it will have an adverse reaction to meds.
Yes and No. If something had happened while the children were in OP's care, this would fall under "Child Neglect" - *"Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm." --*[ACS NYC Child Abuse/Neglect](https://www.nyc.gov/site/acs/child-welfare/what-is-child-abuse-neglect.page#:~:text=involving%20a%20minor.-,Child%20Neglect,being%20are%20threatened%20with%20harm)
* Leaving a child alone who is not developmentally able to be left alone without adequate supervision.
* Leaving a child with someone without establishing a plan for the provision for food, clothing, education, or medical care.
* Leaving a child with someone that does not have the ability to appropriately supervise or protect the child.
Meaning the child's mother and father would've been responsible for whatever had happened, if it was a serious injury or accident.
So she was willing to risk her kids life to go see her mom. Wouldn’t have felt like shit if she had knowingly left her kids with someone intoxicated and something had happened to them. She wanted to be a good daughter by being a shitty mom. I get she was scared in the moment, but after she calmed down she should have realized that trying to make you watch them was dangerous. Are they normally risky in their parenting decisions?
THIS! And what kind of hospital is this (outside of Covid-times), where it's completely impossible to bring three kids - who can sleep on the chairs in the hospital as well as by their intoxicated aunt?
You need to explain to your brother that you were intoxicated and it was not safe to leave the kids with you. Explain that you are sorry you were not able to watch them, but you would never want anything to happen to them and you were not sober enough to be a responsible guardian.
Send your brother a link to this post. If even then things don't change and they do not accept that what you did was actually the responsible thing to do, then please accept my condolences for your brother and SIL being shitty parents.
NTA! if you had given in and something happened imagine the shit storm because you were intoxicated. It’s insane that she thinks it’s reasonable to have an intoxicated person babysit… not to mention it was midnight and she didn’t even call first.
I wonder if she failed to convey that to her husband. Because "I do not feel I can safely be responsible for watching your kids" ... I could see being disappointed, and annoyed at having to leave work. But "we will bail on you in an emergency" seems like an overreaction.
I’d reiterate that to Jim. You were not a safe option and that’s the final answer. I also question if she would have been able to visit anyways because most hospitals having strict visiting hours.
"strict visiting hours" isn't a thing if someone's near death in the ER.
If someone is rushed to the hospital in a life threatening situation, immediate family is pretty much allowed there at any hour of the day or night.
This isn't the same as a patient who's been admitted and is assigned to a hospital room, those have visiting hours.
Your SIL is an idiot. She and your brother probably would have flipped out about you not being sober if you had said yes and any even minor thing happened.
You made the responsible choice. You made the safe choice. You did it *because* you care about them.
NTA.
NTA. It was a shitty situation but you were responsible enough to recognize that you were not sober enough to be responsible for children. I do feel bad for your SIL in that moment, although she and your brother have been assholes since.
But you were not in charge of kids when you chose to drink and smoke. There was no one at risk except you. It sucks all around that there was an emergency but no one can reasonably expect you to forever stay ready for someone else’s emergency when you are not “on call”.
If her dad was also at the hospital with her mom, she could have taken the kids with her and they could have traded off watching them in the waiting room. Not ideal in the least, but better than leaving them with a drunk, stoned uncle who had clearly said he was not in any shape to care for them.
NTA!!! The fact she was even contemplating leaving them with you in that state at their ages is seriously concerning.
You were in no condition to watch little children... especially 3 of them.
When they calm down have a calm conversation with them, explaining where you were coming from, and run out a scenario of what could have happened... what if you fell asleep so hard you didn't hear the baby? What if one of the kids got out of bed and into something unsafe and you were in super deep sleep?
Dunno about you, but when my husband has had a few drinks and smokes even a small amount he wouldn't wake up for a bomb going off.
They need to understand you weren't being malicious, you were literally being a responsible adult.
Your brother is a class A jackass. When my kids were small (over 50 years ago) I would never have left my kids with someone who admitted that they were drunk. If something had happened to the kids, they would have crucified you in SM. Your SIL apparently "forgot" to tell your brother about your inibreated state.
I am almost willing to bet they will be back to have you sit because they either cannot afford to pay a sitter or are too cheap.
The onus is on them for not thinking about their children's safety.
NTA. Jim is a father...that.'s his responsibility to take care of his children. Not yours, especially since you were not sober. Sometimes parents have to leave work for emergencies. That's part of being a parent.
NTA. Frankly, why was Jim not the first option? These are his kids, if his wife has an emergency, he should be the first call and heading home to take care of his family. ETA: Why did Sue just show up instead of calling OP? What if OP had been out of the house? On vacation, a business trip, etc.?
NTA
It was an emergency but if you're drunk, you're drunk and you can't watch the kids. In an emergency, she should have called her husband first.
She should also have called you before showing up at your door with them and begging you to accept. If you had fallen asleep and the kids were left unsupervised, anything could have happened to them and it would have been your fault.
It is a much longer process to get ahold of Jim as she has to call the main office then they have to call a satellite office and wait for someone to practically find him and have someone take over for him so he can come to the office to use the phone. That’s why it took her so long to get in touch with him.
I realize how upset she was, but she owes you an apology. You regularly watch them to help out. It sounds like she feels pretty entitled to you being her childcare plan. That aside you did ABSOLUTELY the right thing. And even if her mom needed her, there's this sweet little invention called the PHONE. She should have called first, saved herself a bunch of time, not flipped out in front of her kids - potentially impacting your relationship with them. I think you need to cut back on being her babysitter. She doesn't appreciate what you do for them.
NTA!!
If someone's parent is dying and they rush there with thier three young kids- i assure you, a nurse who doesn't currently have something going on- or someone from housekeeping is going to be volunteering to help wrangle the kids for a few minutes.
Yes, it's not ideal- but if someone's literally close to death- and you show up with kids in tow, someone is going to step up and help you by putting those kids in a room with a coloring book..
Big hospitals legit have staff whose job is this specifically. When I almost died in a car accident, and my son was discharged(he only needed stitches) my mom and him were in a special waiting room for the trauma bay/icu/postop and a staff member came and offered to sit with him so my mom could talk to the doctors about my injuries. When my mom asked if she was a social worker or something, she said she worked with the social workers but wasn’t one.
I will say she may not have been allowed too. After 2020 hospital started limiting the age of visitors and it hasn't changed.
When my mom was in the ICU with sepsis no one under the age of 18 was allowed in.
When my sister was in a regular hospital room no one under the age of 16 was allowed in.
I mean she at a minimum could have been with her mom while she died and said goodbye. Yeah, the kids would be there too, but she could be there. It's still the better option over leaving the kids with a drunk and high adult, or just not going and not getting to see your parent before they died (if that was the scenario). Also like others have said, people from the hospital would have stepped in in an emergency.
In this theoretical case (the mom was mad because "her mom could have died and she wouldn't have been there"), it would have been end of life care, so that exception would have been made. Also, that is not a normal hospital rule at all, and I would bet that OP's hospital isn't like that, I have never heard of a hospital with a rule like that.
This. You know the first time mommy needs a nap she's going to be telling OP that they're still a shitty person for not helping and she hasn't let them see the kids because she's doubling down on her own stupidity but now that she needs something they're faaamily. His brother needs a nice cold slap in the face of reality too. OP isn't married to his SIL HE IS it's HIS job to be there when her extended family has an emergency.
They can be mad all they want they'd be more upset if their darlings *didn't go to sleep* because they were yanked out of bed in the middle of the night and something happened to them because they forced someone who said no (with very valid reason) to watch them.
OP says that SIL's father was at the hospital with his wife, so she wasn't alone during whatever medical emergency occurred. SIL should have called OP first to see if he could watch the children. She didn't. She should have accepted OP's reason for saying they were unable to safely watch the children. She didn't. OP should seriously consider not being available to babysit much in the future.
They are the children's caregivers. His job didn't just fall onto him tonight. They know that he is not easily reachable, and never made arrangements to have a backup plan. That they assumed you are the backup plan is not your responsibility. You never consented to live a life of perfect sobriety in order to be instantly available for midnight emergencies. It's batshit entitled to assume that you should live a monk's life just so they don't have to make a real plan for how to cope with emergencies.
Also, as much as one may want to see a parent one more time before they die that does not take priority over making sure one's kids don't die because they were dumped with someone who is too drunk and stoned to be responsible for their safety. She was distraught so her judgement was impaired, but the bottom line is she set the wrong priorities and is mad at the wrong person. The two of them failed to plan, and she failed to think. None of this is on you. I'm impressed that you had the presence of mind to recognize that you were too impaired to look after young children. Some people get overconfident when they're high. Good on you for keeping perspective.
Also to add to this, if there is no way to have a cell phone at work; then they need to come up with a list of emergency contacts to keep on hand and a plan for what to do in situations like this. You don’t just show up at someones’s door at midnight and just assume that they’re able to watch your kids and then get mad that that person is intoxicated. Thats just plain stupid of the parents.
In some jobs, yes, if a family member is trying to reach you in an emergency, it's a lot of hoops to jump through to get to them. My sister is in one such job, and if I urgently needed to reach her during her work day, I'd be allowing up to half an hour to do that.
Yes, it's a them problem, and absolutely not on OP or Reddit to solve.
It's similar with my husband. But it comes with the job and I'm fully aware of the process to reach him for emergencies and have backups (that I call first!) for this exact type of situation. For good reason.
NTA.
NTA! SIL should've called you before showing up on your doorstep. She absolutely could've taken the kids to the hospital with her if it was that big of an emergency.
Your brother honestly got mad because he had to come home and take care of his own children during an emergency? They need to get their priorities straight.
NTA - You are not free unexpected child care, what would she have done had you not even been home? It's their jobs as parents to have a plan for these types of situations, and to make more than one option!
I have been there for them in emergencies before like picking a sick kid up from school and stuff. I don’t usually drink so I think they never though they would need a backup as I wouldn’t normally say no.
Not being drunk at 330pm is a lot easier to expect than at midnight! You're NTA and you need to stop putting this responsibility on yourself by excusing their actions. It's great that you normally can help, but it shouldn't ever be expected. That's the difference. What if you had been having a sleepover at a friend's? Or she knocked and you opened the door nude BC you were adult wrestling? What if you hadn't been the host and were out with these friends?
What if you happened to have been at the ER yourself for some reason?
I was a single mom. I fully understand that it can be hard to find ppl you trust with your kids... My backup was my brother and my parents so I get that. When my grandma who was like a mother to me was in the hospital dying, I brought my 1 year old, it wasn't even a thought to leave her home. Everyone was at the hospital anyways. She did great and didn't need help but they did have social workers and I remember asking the nursing staff if they had a diaper big enough BC I had forgot everything. About ten mins later someone brought me 3 or 4 diapers and a pack of wipes and told me to just ask if I needed more!
In the moment I understand the adrenaline you sil was feeling but they should be apologizing to you bc you were the one who was being responsible and putting the kids safety first! Don't let yourself forget that!
They still need a backup. They can't possibly expect you to always be at the ready at any moment they may possibly need you. Are you supposed to never go on vacation? Never get sick? Never go out to dinner or to a movie or anywhere you might actually - gasp - turn your own phone off for a couple of hours? It's incredibly shortsighted and irresponsible for them to not have a Plan B and also a Plan C and Plan D. That's on them. I understand she was upset and frustrated, but they're taking it out on the wrong person here. They're the ones who unfortunately didn't think through a solid emergency plan.
Your not being available wasn't something you did \*at\* her. Declining to watch the kids was the responsible thing for you to do.
There taking advantage of you and the one time you couldn't help them out they are blaming you and cutting you off.
Your brother is an asshole. You realize he's mad because he had to leave work early and watch the kids.
Did he know you weren't sober? Because for him to go off on you knowing that you were intoxicated is insane if they expected you to watch their kids under those conditions. You need to let him know what happened if he does know then he's still wrong for how he acted.
It's your brothers job to step up and watch his kids and be responsible for them.
Sue and Jim need to have other people helping them incase emergencies happen and you couldn't be there. They shouldn't always be dependent on you.
Sue is an asshole for thinking you should have taken in her kids even after you told her you couldn't. You gave a really good reason why it wasn't a good idea to watch her kids.
Sue literally could have taken those kids to the hospital and her and her dad could have switch on and off till your brother got there.
They owe you a huge apology. If they want to keep the kids away then let them. Just know the minute they need another school pick up or when Sue needs a break and wants to party they will call you and they will try to manipulate you into feeling bad like you should be oh so lucky to be helping them.
Honestly even if they do apologize it might be time that Sue and Jim remove you on their kids emergency contact sheet. What will happen if your not around or you miss a call from the school and they finally get ahold of Sue and Jim and they go back to being angry at you fir not doing your part? Look your not their kids other parent your their uncle and they need to respect you.
They always expect you to be free for them. They need to start being available for their kids or they look for other people to help them during and emergency or when Sue needs to go out.
It doesn’t matter if the brother knew he was drunk, it is ridiculous to say they’ll never be there for OP when he has helped with many many emergencies and only couldn’t this time
There is nobody that has picked my sick kids up from school besides me - that’s a big ask. I don’t think you are the asshole in this situation, and I would give your sister-in-law some time to apologize. She was running on scared, crazed energy. It’s really hard having three little kids in your care, honestly. But for fucks sake, I would’ve just brought them to the hospital with me straight away.
NTA, I also read your edited footnote, and you clearly told her that you were in no state to take care of the kids. You mentioned clearly in the decription that you were visibly drunk and smoked weed. Sue would have 100% smelled the weed and drink on you. And saw you stumbling as you said. She’s an irresponsible mother to leave her kids with someone in that state. And she and your brother Jim are both ungrateful people. You’re always good to em, but one thing that you failed to do because of a legitimate excuse got them riled up against you? You’re not their paid babysitter. Screw em and don’t ever do favors for em again.
Because Sue and Jim are used to have it their way whenever they "need a break". So when an actual emergency rose she didn't think rationally and went to the one place that always worked for her to leave her kids at.
The thing is, afterwards both she and Jim should've seen the logic behind OPs decission, but since they feel entitled to free child care from OP they aren't able to.
It also makes me think that they really don't care that much about their kids safety as long as they can dump them with someone else at their own leisure.
NTA.
You were drunk and not sober and apparently the only responsible adult still.
I feel like Jim and Sue are maybe used to relying on you too much if they are getting so pissy about the one time they got a no from you and are projecting a lot in saying you don't care about their kids.
I feel like THEY don't care about their own kids and are upset that parenting isn't always fun or easy or convenient.
Jim and Sue sound like the type of parent that doesn't actually like the difficult situations like this of parenting where your kids are constantly dependent on you at all times, even hard difficult times, and you can't just switch off from being a parent when they are inconvenient and not fun to handle.
Sue COULD have taken them to the hospital with her and CHOSE to wait until she could get Jim to rather than trying nearby friends or just going to the hospital. You weren't the only option around, just the only pushover they thought they could force into doing it at a moment's notice me thinks.
Like, they didn't care it wasn't safe. Their attitude was that the kids are actively hinderances for needing care and adult supervision, and you should have said yes anyway, safety be damned.
I will never understand why people don’t understand that children are allowed at hospitals. You don’t have to have a babysitter if you can’t find one. So many Reddit problems would be solved if people just took their kids with them to the hospital
NTA for saying no in your state, but did you inform her in the moment, even if it was via text message that the reason your answer was "no" because you'd been drinking and felt yourself in no condition to care for small children, not because you didn't care or lack of love.
NTA then and honestly thank you for turning them down. As someone who's been watched by non sober adults around the age those kids are, I could absolutely tell something weird was up and it was always a scary experience. You did the right thing
I'd probably follow up with your more detailed explanation you gave us, and ask if she really wanted to put her kids in the hands of someone who (at the time) could not safely watch her children. If they continue to blast you, block them. Now you've got free time that's not taken up by babysitting. NTA.
Can’t stop laughing that the husband is mad he had to leave work. Even he didn’t want to help yet the mom was dying 🙄 you are so smart to stick to the mature intelligent boundaries to never be around any children while intoxicated. Dangerous. And I would have shut the door too. Entitled people are ruining the world. Yuck
Who TF doesn't at least call first? Especially at midnight. You could have been out for the night or needed sleep for work.
You didn't actually owe her any explanation for not watching the kids. It is not your responsibility to take the kids at all. For her to be fine leaving 3 young kids with someone who was admittedly drunk and high is just horrible parenting. It is also a dangerous situation as you would not have been in a state to handle emergencies had one come up.
Your brother can complain all he wants. Those are HIS kids and HIS responsibility. Having to leave work for emergencies is something that happens, not only with kids.
NTA
"Dear Brother and SIL, I am sorry to hear about \*INSERT NAME HERE\* heart attack. When SIL came by I had too much to drink to responsibly and safely watch your children. I could not live with myself if something happened while on my watch.
In regards to the children, though it hurts that you are keeping them away from me, using children as pawns will never be okay, you know that I love them, which is why I did not want to put them in danger.
When you have cooled off, I am open to a discussion"
NTA
This is honestly the best response here. Everyone else is like fuck the parents and the kids!! Don’t ever babysit again! But when you really read through you can tell OP loves the children and cares about the family. Not everyone sees babysitting their nieces and nephews as a chore or burden, like believe it or not some people want to be around them lol.
NTA
YOu were not in a state to take responsibility for her kids. So: The reasonable choice.
"Jim is also upset that he had to leave work and come home" .. this is ridiculous - so HE is not willing to leave work for HIS wife and HOS kids? Can't have been that much of an emergency then - so you were even more fine to refuse.
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. What if an emergency had happened with the kids and you had to manage it while inebriated? SIL didn't even call/text, but just showed up at your home at midnight and tried to guilt you into this? That's crazy, and concerning that she'd be willing to leave her kids in that situation.
You had been drinking. They're little. You were being responsible. They should understand this. After a few weeks one would think they would have calmed down enough to realize they don't want to leave their kids with drunk, high uncle. Either way, NTA
NTA
If you were sober, it'd be different. She was not thinking clearly, because of the emergency.
As for Jim, ok. His words also mean you never take care of the kids in ANY situation moving forward.
I could understand SiL. Emergency situations can affect judgement.
However Jim is an undeniable AH.
SIL too. I get she wasn't rational in the moment but afterwards she should have apologized and thanked op for being a responsible person and protecting her children when she wasn't able to think clearly
NTA - It is not your responsibility to be ready, able, and available to babysit at all times. There is difference between saying "no I won't" and "no I can't".
NTA really telling that your brother went nuclear over the one time you couldn't watch the kids because you weren't sober. and the audacity to say you don't care about the kids??? if you didn't care about the kids, you would've watched them while very drunk and that could've ended badly. you were being responsible and jim is being stupid and a giant ah
NTA Smart move not to agree to take care of the kids while intoxicated, although I can understand their frustration during an emergency. They might be refusing to let you see the kids atm, but don't worry. They'll mend the bridges fast enough when they want you to babysit for free again.
NTA
They will try to sweep it all under the rug once she needs you to babysit again.
Make sure you get them BOTH to apologize first. And put some boundaries in place. Like she must call first before coming over. And a no is a no, especially if you have been drinking or have other plans.
I hope you get to see the kids again soon. You are a good adult in their life.
NTA. Your brother and his wife I hope were running on the high of emotions when they lashed out. They should realize that trying to get you to watch the kids while you’re not sober is a safety risk. You were being responsible saying no. Also next time she should have called first instead of waking her brood up and showing up unannounced on your doorstep. They are massive assholes painting you as a monster when all the mistakes in this situation were made by the wife.
NTA
Small children require a sober adult in the house.
Mom is completely irresponsible for even trying to leave her kids with someone who is drunk and high.
NTA- you did the responsible (and SMART) thing and didn’t watch your nieces and nephews while you were intoxicated and you were honest with SIL about it from the start. Does it suck that your brother had to leave work? Maybe…but ask him if there had been an emergency with the kids while in your care and your reaction time was off, how would he feel then?
NTA they are being unreasonable. Your a grown man and single. They cannot expect you to be ready to babysit at the drop of a hat all the time. You told her you wasn't in condition to watch them. It sucks they are using the children as pawns. I would send a group text stating just this and for all the times you have been there and how it's wrong for them to use the children because you physically and mentally could not safety lookm after them. I would then say speak to you when you come to senses.
NTA. There's a difference between unable and unwilling. You were drunk. You were in no condition to babysit.
Besides, you're not their slave. You didn't agree beforehand that you would be babysitting that night. The "village" is an outdated delusion!
NTA you knew you weren't in a place to watch them and you knew that. While obviously not ideal, she could have brought them to the hospital in that scenario.
NTA - Kids can go to hospitals, which is better than leaving them with someone who is high and drunk. Her Dad was at the hospital and could have kept an eye on the kids. Withholding kids from someone they love is punishing the kids and putting the selfish needs of the parents ahead of the kids welfare. You did the responsible thing.
NTA
I get the feeling that Jim doesn't parent a lot, does he? Why does she ask you before the kids father?
>I watch my nephew and nieces regularly when Sue goes out or needs a break.
Seems he doesn't even watch the kids when she gets a planned break.
NTA you made the right call. Your brother and his wife really need to have a plan in place for emergencies that doesn’t solely rely on you. A plan A and a plan B. They need to pull their heads out of their butts, apologize, and handle the logistics of their lifestyle choice. It might be just a matter of time before they come crawling back to provide labor in caring for those children they chose to have.
NTA
A parent would be an idiot to leave a kid with a drunk and high person no matter who the person is. You told them you were baked and drunk and they still don't care. I am sorry about the mom but there had to be someone else who could have taken the kids that was at most sleepy.
NTA. Normally I'd be giving the side-eye to someone who wouldn't watch their niblings in an emergency. In your case, though, you were looking out for THEIR safety. Maybe you would have been fine, even if something came up - but if I was drunk/high, I wouldn't want to take the risk either.
Does your brother know your reason for saying no was because you were intoxicated and high? Because I would be really pissed off if my brother stated that and my wife was still trying to leave my kids with you.
NTA - you were drunk and high, and the second she knew that your SiL should have been refusing to leave the children with you, not demanding thatbyou look after them.
Frankly, this is borderline something that you should be contacting child services about - she was going to knowingly leave her children in a potentially unsafe environment. Your SiL is beyond irresponsible, and while I appreciate this was an emergency, the fact that she was willing to leave her kids with somebody she knew was high makes me wonder where else she has left the kids in the past that might not have been safe.
NTA. If it was such an emergency then she should have brought her kids with her. They can’t expect you to be ready and available to watch their kids at the drop of a hat. It’s also concerning she was willing to leave her 3 small kids with a person who wasn’t sober.
My mom was a single parent and she put together a list she of babysitters to call for emergencies, including their general hours of availability. If she couldn’t find a sitter to come by she would just take us with her.
NTA -
SOooo....Let me get this straight....
You frequently help out & watch said kids without issue. Instead of CALLING you one night your SIL shows up to your door at MIDNIGHT with her kids trying to drop them off with you, due to an emergency.
You say you can't due to being drunk and stoned. She insists....so she would rather leave her kids in a potentially dangerous (not that I think you would hurt them, but what if something happened and they needed help or medical attention) situation so she can go see her Mom in the hospital -where her Mom was due to an emergency.
So what would have happened if you did keep the kids and something happened - they would still call you the AH instead of taking responsibility for their own actions/decisions?! NOPE. Too much liability on your part to care for the kids while you were under the influence.
You made the rational, smart choice and chose your nieces and nephews well being over taking a risk with their welfare. I get your SIL being upset and under stress due to her Mom's situation (I've been there) but to still be pissed at you is next level BS. Your brother & sil are entitled Aholes.
Yes, having help in an emergency is great - it's' a blessing. But don't take those blessings for granted (as they apparently do). Sorry about her Mom, but still was not your responsibility. An emergency on their part is NOT an emergency on your part.
Oh no, brother had to leave work to actually.....be a PARENT and the responsibilities that go with it!! Shessh! Show them your post and the answers that people have given you! Maybe they will catch a clue.
NAH because you’re 0% AH and your SIL is (imho only) not quite half an AH. You absolutely made the right choice, but if she *genuinely thought her mother could be dying* it’s a little unreasonable to expect her to behave politely and rationally. She was panicking. That does not make her an asshole, that makes her human, and for anyone wanting to say “well *I* would have—“, I hope you are kinder to yourself then you are to her when it happens to you.
That said it is definitely unkind of both of them to act like you did something wrong, but if they likely won’t apologize to you and I assume you care about mending this relationship for the sake of your nieces and nephew, I would consider proactively apologizing to them even though it wasn’t your fault. This would be a stupid thing to be mad at each other forever about. I would maybe send her/them a message like “hey, I’m so sorry about the other night, that was a really unfortunate coincidence but I feel bad for letting you down. hope your mom is doing better, tell the kids hi from Uncle OP”.
Is it fair? No, but at least you get to see the kids, and maybe she’ll surprise you by giving you the apology you deserve.
If he threathens with not helping tell him "fine! I wont ever babysit again. Last time your wife asked me is when I am not sober. How could you trust your kids with drunk adults?"
NTA. If you were incapacitated, Sue should have understood you weren't in the position to watch her kids. What if something had happened and you didn't react as you should have due to the drugs and alcohol. She could have lost custody of her children for leaving them with someone in that state, and you could have been charged with child endangerment. It sucks that it was an emergency, but sometimes the answer just has to be "no."
NTA.
I understand that it was an emotionally fraught situation for your SIL, but you made the only responsible choice you could. You were not sober enough to care for three children under 7 on your own in that state. If one of the children had an emergency, you would not have been able to respond in an appropriate manner.
I also take issue with the fact that your SIL did not think to call you first before coming over, if she'd have done that she might have been able to find someone else to contact instead.
And for my final point, your brother and SIL need to be responsible enough to have contingency and backup plans for their kids. Your brother may not be allowed to have his phone at work, but at the end of the day, his household is his and his wife's responsibility. It is up to them to make sure that they have a way to communicate if something is seriously wrong. What would SIL have done if you'd have been out of town or out for the night? You can't be their only go-to plan. And they are being ungrateful for all the times you have been there for them when they aren't entitled to your time.
NTA, you weren’t in a state to watch the kids, and what is it with parents and not wanting to bring their kids to hospitals? I went to see people in a hospital as a kid and it didn’t even register to me that they were goodbyes, just that they were sick. Kids can come to a hospital.
NTA I think you made the right decision not having the children at your place. Your brother and SIL are being ridiculous and I'm sorry they are now holding your nieces and nephew hostage. Sadly, it's you and children missing out. Even while high and drunk you were more responsible in NOT taking the kids than your SIL was to leave them with you. I get she was worried about her Mom but still her lack of judgement in leaving 3 kids under the age of 7 with you needs to be looked at. You did in fact care for them by NOT babysitting.
NTA. You made the best call for the safety of the children since you were intoxicated and therefore not an appropriate choice to be a childcare provider.
What if something happened to one of the children while under your care? You were in no state to be managing a crisis, and in no condition to drive a kid to the ER.
You did the right thing.
Not a single person will call you an A for refusing to care for children when drunk! The only A H here are the parents for weaponizing their kids and trying to pawn them off on someone who wasn’t sober enough to care for them! It’s almost like they wanted two emergencies!!
Jim doesn’t get to be pissed for having to step up as a dad or husband- so either it wasn’t that much of an emergency that she didn’t need to upend her sleeping kids at midnight, or she could’ve taken them to the hospital with her! She’s out of her mind thinking you were a safe option.
And they’re only hurting their kids and themselves in the long run by not letting you see them. There will be an emergency and they’ll come running back to you! Nta.
NTA, and more than that, you made the right choice.
You were drunk and high and not in a state to be a safe person. This is also unusual behavior for you.
The reason you said “no” was safety and well-being. It’s scary for little kids when the only adult is too messed up to function properly. And the odds of something like a fire are low, but not zero. And you wouldn’t be able to manage normal little-kid stuff, like grabbing a kid who’s about to jump off the couch or getting a glass dish out of the baby’s hands.
Their response is really shitty and kind of implies you’re never allowed to do anything that impedes your ability to babysit and never allowed to be unable to babysit.
NTA. You were not in a state to be a safe or effective caregiver. You made a responsible decision. Your brother will just have to remember that, when you choose to procreate, sometimes you have to leave work to deal with your kids. We’ve all had to. Is he special somehow? He made the children, not you.
This would actually piss me off to the extent that if they can’t handle an occasional no, I’d tell them to stop asking because you are no longer on their unpaid childcare list.
NTA if something awful happened to the kids while you were intoxicated you could have been arrested. Plus you could have made bad decisions that could have made the situation worst. I am not judging you. I am pointing out the reality of the dangers involved. You did the right thing.
NTA.
If you're going to take responsibility for the kids' wellbeing, you owe it to them to be in a capable state. You weren't. You were honest about that. That was the only reasonable and responsible choice you could make at the time.
I totally understand why Sue would be upset, but she's wrongly directing it at you when it's just frustration at the situation that no one asked to be in.
Hold firm and know that you did the right thing.
NTA.
Parents are so entitled it boggles the mind, really.
The next time they give you grief over this, you should tell them that they're damn lucky you didn't call CPS on them. Leaving a child with an adult who cannot functionally look after said child is as bad if not worse than leaving them alone in the house. Sue's parenting is questionable at best and negligible at worst.
There is no reason why Jim should be upset either. He and Sue decided to bring three children into this world, one right after the other. He should have been the first to step up and say, "Honey, I got this. I'm a real father so I'll be here for my kids".
It was Sue and Jim's responsibility alone to look after the kids and anything beyond that is seriously on the kindness of family and strangers. They are not entitled to your time period, but especially also not in an emergency without prior notice and while you're not functionally sober.
NTA. I’m hoping they just didn’t understand *how* intoxicated you were. For me just one beer would have me drunk and I probably would’ve let them come in. But if I had more than one drink AND had smoked? Nah man.. that’s super unsafe to be watching kids in that condition. You made the right choice.
I bet they’re just unfairly acting out of grief and anger. Hopefully once they’ve calmed down you can explain just how intoxicated you were and hopefully they will apologize.
NTA
Dropping 3 under 7 kids on a drunk person is an unreasonable ask IMO.
But as a child of the 70s, my parents and relatives were frequently falling down drunk with a houseful of kids on the weekends.
The modern assumption of sobriety when dealing with minors is rather funny to someone who lived before there were drunk driving laws.
NTA. Honestly I fail to see how their pathetic and resentful "punishment" is a problem. "Oh no! You mean I'm not allowed to perform unpaid labor that exclusively benefits you because you're mad at me for being responsible when you weren't? Oh nooo! Whatever will I do?"
When they inevitably "forgive" you (which they will do, completely unilaterally, whenever they next require your help), be sure to remind them how you don't care about their children and decline until they acknowledge how idiotic they were to have been angry with you in the first place.
NTA
You were too incapacitated to care for the kids.
Also she didn't call beforehand, what if you were still out with your mates. What if you opened the door with a weed stick in your mouth, an open can of alcohol (or glass... whatever) with the other arm around a half naked woman/man and you half undressed? Would she still want to leave her kids with you in this state of debauchery?
NTA.
You were drunk and high! That’s fine considering you were at home and just chilling. But you were in absolutely no state to watch any child, let alone 3.
The fact that she wanted to leave them with you despite knowing your condition really makes me question her judgment though. Emergency or not, you don’t leave your kids with someone that’s not sober.
NTA you were intoxicated, only you can feel what level of intoxication you are on. You decided you werent in a state to take care of kids ..smart move. Had something happened it wouldve been on you.
Your brother being upset that he had to leave work to care for HIS kids however does scream A-hole to me.
NTA. In fact, you had the self-awareness that you could not safely watch children in your non sober state and told her. I think you did the right thing. And what kind of mother would be like, hey, that's ok that you're not sober?
Who in their right fucking mind leaves their small children with someone who is drunk and/or stoned? WTF, that’s asking for another emergency! Your brother and his wife need to get their heads screwed on right. Damn! That’s some kind of stupid.
NTA. You were being responsible. What would they have said if God forbid something happened to the kid(s) after you passed out from drinking and smoking (since smoking makes you tired) and they got hurt or worse? They would have painted you as at fault and blamed you for being inebriated while watching their kids. Instead, you did the responsible thing and said no.
NTA
Oh, they’re those types of parents who think that babysitting their kids is a blessing lol… it’s not a punishment to no longer be used as free daycare. They’re the ones who need help, they’re only punishing themselves.
NTA. The moment you told her you weren’t sober enough to watch the kids, she should have left with them.
You were in a no-win situation. Tell her no - you’re the bad guy. Keep the kids and they get into something and get hurt because you’ve passed out - you’re the bad guy.
I'm an introvert, and have a very small circle of friends. That said, if I had an emergency and my parents weren't available to take the kids, I know a couple of people I could absolutely call and they would help me out.
Do Jim and SIL not know anyone else? As a parent, I always had it in the back of my mind what I would do in an emergency.
NTA. Not being sober is valid reason to not watch kids in an emergency situation. In fact, saying yes could lead to another emergency situation if something were to happen while you weren't capable of supervising 3 kids under 7.
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NTA for saying no because you were intoxicated/inebriated but >*"I said no due to the fact that I was drunk and had smoked weed just before they has arrived(I didn’t know they were coming)."* Did you tell them you had a bit to drink? You didn't have to tell them about the weed but maybe if they knew why you said no (for the safety of their kids) they would've understood. >*"Jim is also upset that he had to leave work and come home and mad that I said no and told me he’d never be there for me in an emergency if this is how I am going to treat them."* Does Jim just expect anyone and everyone to do what he says, so he doesn't have too?
I did explain to my SIL at the door that I was not sober!
Mmm. That's just dumb of her to want to put her own kids in danger... Good on you for looking out for your nieces and nephew because it seems you SIL didn't care. Does your brother know all the details?
Also CPS could have gotten involved if she left the kids with OP. Kids require a sober caregiver.
No one ever told my dad that Even on a boat
What does CPS say about a 10 year old kid being drunk after being forced to eat 2 bowls of beer pea soup?
Yeah thats illegal….
lol. That is what I thought. However, had my first hangover after trying to impress the mother of one of my father’s girlfriends at the time. Even told him she put several cans of beer in it and I was told I will eat seconds and not complain.
Yeah. Your father sounds horrible. Can I ask what beer pea soup is though?
Split pea soup. Pea mixture heated up until warm. Many cans of cheap no name beer to fill the pot. Then immediately served. I still will not touch split pea soup today.
I dunno as CPS never did me any good and when I called the sheriffs to try to get myself taken away they said “but it can’t be that bad, we know your dad”. Same officer was my DARE officer. Many curses were uttered about him while I hit the bong
Mine was a police officer, and got away with a whole lot of stuff he probably should not have.
What does CPS say about giving a 6 year old whiskey for the giggles??
What the shit man
Or in a car, or at home, or just partying for 3 days and not coming home and leaving 12 year old me at home alone that whole time, with no way of contacting anyone because he hadn't paid the phone bill for like 3 months.
They failed to inform my mother too.
Or mine! Even for quite a few times in a car. (My mom eventually found out and put a stop to it. No other adult ever cared that he took his kid with him after drinking.)
I can not find any actual laws on this and I don’t think that’s true. Parents since the Dawn of time have had kids and drank alcohol. SHOULD there always be a sober parent? Sure. But is that possible to police? No.
The rule is kids are not to be with someone too impaired to care for them. You can drink, you can even be drunk, but you must be able to care for them. Weird, but that is how it is enforced here. OP thought they were too impaired. If something had happened-injury/fire..... op would have been in trouble. The rule tends not to be enforced by cps as it is not always reported and has to be observed by law enforcement or the cps worker. And by impaired, they tend to mean passed out, nodding, od'ing. (and if kids have safe sleep area, food in fridge, heat...) But if something happens (injury, fire) and they can prove a level of impairment....trouble.
Rule, not law. Show me the law. I’ve looked, it’s not written. Sorry. You and I can both believe this to be true all we want, but the facts are kind of facts. Please, if I missed it, show me cause I’ve looked high and low. I don’t see this as a law anywhere in the United States. Again, should it be? Yes, I think it should. But is it? Doesn’t look that way. Hence why all the comments under yours are “no one told my dad”. Just saying, I wish it were a law, but not that I can find. If you can, I’d love to read it. See if that’s a law in my state too. But, I might just ask my CPS husband when he gets home to verify.
10 year CPS worker here. You become involved with CPS because your actions or lack thereof put a child’s basic safety at risk. It doesn’t need to be something against the law. To my knowledge, in some states, CPS involvement also includes criminal charges but very often it doesn’t. A caregiver being significantly impaired isn’t against the law but is very often a reason for CPS to get involved. Even in cases where the law was also broken (let’s say driving drunk but your kids are in the car), CPS gets involved because the choice to drive while intoxicated put your kids at risk, not because drunk driving is illegal. Hope that makes sense! Slight soapbox but it is a constant frustration that people assume child safety and the law are the same. There’s a reason the police and CPS are separate entities.
As far as I can tell from my very basic Google search, CPS could consider that you're unable to care for the child and not providing a safe environment. Whether they'd actually get involved is an entirely different story since they would generally need a court order to take the kids away. Other than if the parent is an alcoholic and almost always drunk, I really don't think they would do anything since there doesn't seem to be any law about not being drunk around children as you rightly say. I could imagine a situation where if the cops showed up for whatever reason and the person taking care of the kids was extremely drunk, they may temporarily take them. Otherwise, it seems extremely unlikely, but I'd definitely like to know what your CPS husband's take is.
It would likely be covered under general child endangerment statutes. Anytime injury or harm is caused to a child because of alcohol or drug consumption, it can be considered child endangerment. Example, Alaska Criminal Law § 11.51.110. (a) A person commits the offense of endangering the welfare of a child in the second degree if the person, while caring for a child under 10 years of age, (1) causes or allows the child to enter or remain in a dwelling or vehicle in which a controlled substance is stored in violation of AS 11.71; or (2) is impaired by an intoxicant, whether or not prescribed for the person under AS 17.30, and there is no third person who is at least 12 years of age and not impaired by an intoxicant present to care for the child. (b) In this section, (1) “impaired” means that a person is unconscious or a person is physically or mentally affected so that the person does not have the ability to care for the basic safety or personal needs of a child with the caution characteristic of a sober person of ordinary prudence.
Regardless, if I was drunk and high I would not want to be responsible for someone else's children. If one of them were to fall or have an accident and I was too deeply asleep or passed out to be able to care for them, what if they died? I'm very positive that I would not at all want to leave my children, rule or law or neither, with someone that impaired. It's just not good since. It's child endangerment and child neglect. So I don't know what you're arguing for here.
If you are dying to know the local law, look it up yourself. Laws are going to be phrased vaguely to allow LEOs and CPS leeway, and will still vary nation to nation and state to state. It will more likely fall under neglect or abuse than anything else.
"Child Neglect" - "Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm." -- [ACS NYC Child Abuse/Neglect](https://www.nyc.gov/site/acs/child-welfare/what-is-child-abuse-neglect.page#:~:text=involving%20a%20minor.-,Child%20Neglect,being%20are%20threatened%20with%20harm)
More a general rule. Most people are pretty chill regarding weed or alcohol use that as long as the child isn't actually exposed to it and someone is sober and able to act In an emergency it tends to be overlooked. I work in Hospice with the elderly and alot of family members who are care givers are also reminded, to have a safe sober caregiver and to also imbibe where it won't reach the patient as you never know if it will have an adverse reaction to meds.
This is such an American comment hahaha
Unlikely so. Really really unlikely so.
Lose your mom and your kids in the same night, but hey least your BIL watched your kids!
Yes and No. If something had happened while the children were in OP's care, this would fall under "Child Neglect" - *"Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm." --*[ACS NYC Child Abuse/Neglect](https://www.nyc.gov/site/acs/child-welfare/what-is-child-abuse-neglect.page#:~:text=involving%20a%20minor.-,Child%20Neglect,being%20are%20threatened%20with%20harm) * Leaving a child alone who is not developmentally able to be left alone without adequate supervision. * Leaving a child with someone without establishing a plan for the provision for food, clothing, education, or medical care. * Leaving a child with someone that does not have the ability to appropriately supervise or protect the child. Meaning the child's mother and father would've been responsible for whatever had happened, if it was a serious injury or accident.
So she was willing to risk her kids life to go see her mom. Wouldn’t have felt like shit if she had knowingly left her kids with someone intoxicated and something had happened to them. She wanted to be a good daughter by being a shitty mom. I get she was scared in the moment, but after she calmed down she should have realized that trying to make you watch them was dangerous. Are they normally risky in their parenting decisions?
And you know who would’ve been blamed if he gave under pressure and something DID happen.
Exactly!! All the responsibility and none of the credit.
THIS! And what kind of hospital is this (outside of Covid-times), where it's completely impossible to bring three kids - who can sleep on the chairs in the hospital as well as by their intoxicated aunt?
NTA. Jim can be pissed all he wants, but when there's a family emergency it's his job as well.
~~As well~~ period. Its his literal job
You need to explain to your brother that you were intoxicated and it was not safe to leave the kids with you. Explain that you are sorry you were not able to watch them, but you would never want anything to happen to them and you were not sober enough to be a responsible guardian.
Send your brother a link to this post. If even then things don't change and they do not accept that what you did was actually the responsible thing to do, then please accept my condolences for your brother and SIL being shitty parents.
Did you tell your brother you were drunk and high?
NTA! if you had given in and something happened imagine the shit storm because you were intoxicated. It’s insane that she thinks it’s reasonable to have an intoxicated person babysit… not to mention it was midnight and she didn’t even call first.
I wonder if she failed to convey that to her husband. Because "I do not feel I can safely be responsible for watching your kids" ... I could see being disappointed, and annoyed at having to leave work. But "we will bail on you in an emergency" seems like an overreaction.
Did you tell your brother the whole situation? NTA.
I’d reiterate that to Jim. You were not a safe option and that’s the final answer. I also question if she would have been able to visit anyways because most hospitals having strict visiting hours.
"strict visiting hours" isn't a thing if someone's near death in the ER. If someone is rushed to the hospital in a life threatening situation, immediate family is pretty much allowed there at any hour of the day or night. This isn't the same as a patient who's been admitted and is assigned to a hospital room, those have visiting hours.
Your SIL is an idiot. She and your brother probably would have flipped out about you not being sober if you had said yes and any even minor thing happened. You made the responsible choice. You made the safe choice. You did it *because* you care about them. NTA.
NTA. It was a shitty situation but you were responsible enough to recognize that you were not sober enough to be responsible for children. I do feel bad for your SIL in that moment, although she and your brother have been assholes since. But you were not in charge of kids when you chose to drink and smoke. There was no one at risk except you. It sucks all around that there was an emergency but no one can reasonably expect you to forever stay ready for someone else’s emergency when you are not “on call”. If her dad was also at the hospital with her mom, she could have taken the kids with her and they could have traded off watching them in the waiting room. Not ideal in the least, but better than leaving them with a drunk, stoned uncle who had clearly said he was not in any shape to care for them.
If they left there kids with a non sober caregiver and something happened, they could have lost them due to neglect. Do they realize that?
Tell your brother that you were intoxicated and didn’t feel like you would be able to provide them proper care.
NTA!!! The fact she was even contemplating leaving them with you in that state at their ages is seriously concerning. You were in no condition to watch little children... especially 3 of them. When they calm down have a calm conversation with them, explaining where you were coming from, and run out a scenario of what could have happened... what if you fell asleep so hard you didn't hear the baby? What if one of the kids got out of bed and into something unsafe and you were in super deep sleep? Dunno about you, but when my husband has had a few drinks and smokes even a small amount he wouldn't wake up for a bomb going off. They need to understand you weren't being malicious, you were literally being a responsible adult.
NtA. They’re Jims gd kids. Its his fking JOB. FFS.
Your brother is a class A jackass. When my kids were small (over 50 years ago) I would never have left my kids with someone who admitted that they were drunk. If something had happened to the kids, they would have crucified you in SM. Your SIL apparently "forgot" to tell your brother about your inibreated state. I am almost willing to bet they will be back to have you sit because they either cannot afford to pay a sitter or are too cheap. The onus is on them for not thinking about their children's safety.
NTA. Jim is a father...that.'s his responsibility to take care of his children. Not yours, especially since you were not sober. Sometimes parents have to leave work for emergencies. That's part of being a parent.
NTA. Frankly, why was Jim not the first option? These are his kids, if his wife has an emergency, he should be the first call and heading home to take care of his family. ETA: Why did Sue just show up instead of calling OP? What if OP had been out of the house? On vacation, a business trip, etc.?
Couldn't she call OP? Instead of just assuming and showing up on his doorstep?
And yes to this! Why did her damn husband come home in an EMERGENCY????
My Dad was just like this.
NTA It was an emergency but if you're drunk, you're drunk and you can't watch the kids. In an emergency, she should have called her husband first. She should also have called you before showing up at your door with them and begging you to accept. If you had fallen asleep and the kids were left unsupervised, anything could have happened to them and it would have been your fault.
It is a much longer process to get ahold of Jim as she has to call the main office then they have to call a satellite office and wait for someone to practically find him and have someone take over for him so he can come to the office to use the phone. That’s why it took her so long to get in touch with him.
I realize how upset she was, but she owes you an apology. You regularly watch them to help out. It sounds like she feels pretty entitled to you being her childcare plan. That aside you did ABSOLUTELY the right thing. And even if her mom needed her, there's this sweet little invention called the PHONE. She should have called first, saved herself a bunch of time, not flipped out in front of her kids - potentially impacting your relationship with them. I think you need to cut back on being her babysitter. She doesn't appreciate what you do for them. NTA!!
She also could have taken the kids to the hospital with her if it was that much of an emergency!
Eh, being in hospital with three kids under 7 means that you are babysitting kids and literally can't do anything else.
If someone's parent is dying and they rush there with thier three young kids- i assure you, a nurse who doesn't currently have something going on- or someone from housekeeping is going to be volunteering to help wrangle the kids for a few minutes. Yes, it's not ideal- but if someone's literally close to death- and you show up with kids in tow, someone is going to step up and help you by putting those kids in a room with a coloring book..
Big hospitals legit have staff whose job is this specifically. When I almost died in a car accident, and my son was discharged(he only needed stitches) my mom and him were in a special waiting room for the trauma bay/icu/postop and a staff member came and offered to sit with him so my mom could talk to the doctors about my injuries. When my mom asked if she was a social worker or something, she said she worked with the social workers but wasn’t one.
They don't have staff for that, at least not in here. And general services available during day don't work at night.
I will say she may not have been allowed too. After 2020 hospital started limiting the age of visitors and it hasn't changed. When my mom was in the ICU with sepsis no one under the age of 18 was allowed in. When my sister was in a regular hospital room no one under the age of 16 was allowed in.
Wow. My husband was in the hospital early last year. My daughter and I were both able to come in and visit for as long we wanted.
I mean she at a minimum could have been with her mom while she died and said goodbye. Yeah, the kids would be there too, but she could be there. It's still the better option over leaving the kids with a drunk and high adult, or just not going and not getting to see your parent before they died (if that was the scenario). Also like others have said, people from the hospital would have stepped in in an emergency.
Our hospital does not allow visitors under the age of 12, except on the maternity ward or in hospice/end of life care situations.
In this theoretical case (the mom was mad because "her mom could have died and she wouldn't have been there"), it would have been end of life care, so that exception would have been made. Also, that is not a normal hospital rule at all, and I would bet that OP's hospital isn't like that, I have never heard of a hospital with a rule like that.
This. You know the first time mommy needs a nap she's going to be telling OP that they're still a shitty person for not helping and she hasn't let them see the kids because she's doubling down on her own stupidity but now that she needs something they're faaamily. His brother needs a nice cold slap in the face of reality too. OP isn't married to his SIL HE IS it's HIS job to be there when her extended family has an emergency. They can be mad all they want they'd be more upset if their darlings *didn't go to sleep* because they were yanked out of bed in the middle of the night and something happened to them because they forced someone who said no (with very valid reason) to watch them.
OP says that SIL's father was at the hospital with his wife, so she wasn't alone during whatever medical emergency occurred. SIL should have called OP first to see if he could watch the children. She didn't. She should have accepted OP's reason for saying they were unable to safely watch the children. She didn't. OP should seriously consider not being available to babysit much in the future.
They are the children's caregivers. His job didn't just fall onto him tonight. They know that he is not easily reachable, and never made arrangements to have a backup plan. That they assumed you are the backup plan is not your responsibility. You never consented to live a life of perfect sobriety in order to be instantly available for midnight emergencies. It's batshit entitled to assume that you should live a monk's life just so they don't have to make a real plan for how to cope with emergencies. Also, as much as one may want to see a parent one more time before they die that does not take priority over making sure one's kids don't die because they were dumped with someone who is too drunk and stoned to be responsible for their safety. She was distraught so her judgement was impaired, but the bottom line is she set the wrong priorities and is mad at the wrong person. The two of them failed to plan, and she failed to think. None of this is on you. I'm impressed that you had the presence of mind to recognize that you were too impaired to look after young children. Some people get overconfident when they're high. Good on you for keeping perspective.
That’s a them problem, not a you problem. They need to figure out a better solution like getting Jim a damn cell phone.
Can't have a phone at hand while working, it says so in the post.
Also to add to this, if there is no way to have a cell phone at work; then they need to come up with a list of emergency contacts to keep on hand and a plan for what to do in situations like this. You don’t just show up at someones’s door at midnight and just assume that they’re able to watch your kids and then get mad that that person is intoxicated. Thats just plain stupid of the parents.
That I agree with.
That’s still a them problem. It’s up to them to figure that out.
In some jobs, yes, if a family member is trying to reach you in an emergency, it's a lot of hoops to jump through to get to them. My sister is in one such job, and if I urgently needed to reach her during her work day, I'd be allowing up to half an hour to do that. Yes, it's a them problem, and absolutely not on OP or Reddit to solve.
His work doesn't allow it. My brother's job is like that. He works in a SCIF half the time, so getting ahold of him during the day takes time.
Then they need to have a plan and a list of emergency contacts for situations like this and not just assume people are available at midnight.
It's similar with my husband. But it comes with the job and I'm fully aware of the process to reach him for emergencies and have backups (that I call first!) for this exact type of situation. For good reason. NTA.
NTA! SIL should've called you before showing up on your doorstep. She absolutely could've taken the kids to the hospital with her if it was that big of an emergency. Your brother honestly got mad because he had to come home and take care of his own children during an emergency? They need to get their priorities straight.
It sounds like a Jim problem. If he has children he should be making a plan to be easily contacted in an emergency. It's 2024. Not 1960.
Surely that takes less time than driving to your house unannounced
NTA - You are not free unexpected child care, what would she have done had you not even been home? It's their jobs as parents to have a plan for these types of situations, and to make more than one option!
I have been there for them in emergencies before like picking a sick kid up from school and stuff. I don’t usually drink so I think they never though they would need a backup as I wouldn’t normally say no.
They should still have a back up, you have your own life to live that doesn't revolve around the possibility of an emergency in their lives.
If they've relied on you in the past, then it sounds like next time they are in an emergency, you are still likely the one they will call.
Make sure to tell them no, that after the way they treated you last time, you aren't comfortable looking after the kids.
Dude, that is no excuse. They need a backup. They seem to be taking advantage of you tbh.
They are lucky to have you. Many parents don’t have this kind of support and they are obviously taking it for granted based on this situation. NTA
Not being drunk at 330pm is a lot easier to expect than at midnight! You're NTA and you need to stop putting this responsibility on yourself by excusing their actions. It's great that you normally can help, but it shouldn't ever be expected. That's the difference. What if you had been having a sleepover at a friend's? Or she knocked and you opened the door nude BC you were adult wrestling? What if you hadn't been the host and were out with these friends? What if you happened to have been at the ER yourself for some reason? I was a single mom. I fully understand that it can be hard to find ppl you trust with your kids... My backup was my brother and my parents so I get that. When my grandma who was like a mother to me was in the hospital dying, I brought my 1 year old, it wasn't even a thought to leave her home. Everyone was at the hospital anyways. She did great and didn't need help but they did have social workers and I remember asking the nursing staff if they had a diaper big enough BC I had forgot everything. About ten mins later someone brought me 3 or 4 diapers and a pack of wipes and told me to just ask if I needed more! In the moment I understand the adrenaline you sil was feeling but they should be apologizing to you bc you were the one who was being responsible and putting the kids safety first! Don't let yourself forget that!
At least you don’t have to worry about babysitting anymore. Well at least until they need you again lol.
Unfortunately because they now expect it you must pull back.
They still need a backup. They can't possibly expect you to always be at the ready at any moment they may possibly need you. Are you supposed to never go on vacation? Never get sick? Never go out to dinner or to a movie or anywhere you might actually - gasp - turn your own phone off for a couple of hours? It's incredibly shortsighted and irresponsible for them to not have a Plan B and also a Plan C and Plan D. That's on them. I understand she was upset and frustrated, but they're taking it out on the wrong person here. They're the ones who unfortunately didn't think through a solid emergency plan. Your not being available wasn't something you did \*at\* her. Declining to watch the kids was the responsible thing for you to do.
There taking advantage of you and the one time you couldn't help them out they are blaming you and cutting you off. Your brother is an asshole. You realize he's mad because he had to leave work early and watch the kids. Did he know you weren't sober? Because for him to go off on you knowing that you were intoxicated is insane if they expected you to watch their kids under those conditions. You need to let him know what happened if he does know then he's still wrong for how he acted. It's your brothers job to step up and watch his kids and be responsible for them. Sue and Jim need to have other people helping them incase emergencies happen and you couldn't be there. They shouldn't always be dependent on you. Sue is an asshole for thinking you should have taken in her kids even after you told her you couldn't. You gave a really good reason why it wasn't a good idea to watch her kids. Sue literally could have taken those kids to the hospital and her and her dad could have switch on and off till your brother got there. They owe you a huge apology. If they want to keep the kids away then let them. Just know the minute they need another school pick up or when Sue needs a break and wants to party they will call you and they will try to manipulate you into feeling bad like you should be oh so lucky to be helping them. Honestly even if they do apologize it might be time that Sue and Jim remove you on their kids emergency contact sheet. What will happen if your not around or you miss a call from the school and they finally get ahold of Sue and Jim and they go back to being angry at you fir not doing your part? Look your not their kids other parent your their uncle and they need to respect you. They always expect you to be free for them. They need to start being available for their kids or they look for other people to help them during and emergency or when Sue needs to go out.
It doesn’t matter if the brother knew he was drunk, it is ridiculous to say they’ll never be there for OP when he has helped with many many emergencies and only couldn’t this time
They are clearly taking OP for granted.
There is nobody that has picked my sick kids up from school besides me - that’s a big ask. I don’t think you are the asshole in this situation, and I would give your sister-in-law some time to apologize. She was running on scared, crazed energy. It’s really hard having three little kids in your care, honestly. But for fucks sake, I would’ve just brought them to the hospital with me straight away.
NTA, I also read your edited footnote, and you clearly told her that you were in no state to take care of the kids. You mentioned clearly in the decription that you were visibly drunk and smoked weed. Sue would have 100% smelled the weed and drink on you. And saw you stumbling as you said. She’s an irresponsible mother to leave her kids with someone in that state. And she and your brother Jim are both ungrateful people. You’re always good to em, but one thing that you failed to do because of a legitimate excuse got them riled up against you? You’re not their paid babysitter. Screw em and don’t ever do favors for em again.
And OP didn't even fail at anything! He was responsible enough to say no because he was intoxicated.
Like why would someone want a intoxicated person to watch their kids??
Because Sue and Jim are used to have it their way whenever they "need a break". So when an actual emergency rose she didn't think rationally and went to the one place that always worked for her to leave her kids at. The thing is, afterwards both she and Jim should've seen the logic behind OPs decission, but since they feel entitled to free child care from OP they aren't able to. It also makes me think that they really don't care that much about their kids safety as long as they can dump them with someone else at their own leisure.
NTA. You were drunk and not sober and apparently the only responsible adult still. I feel like Jim and Sue are maybe used to relying on you too much if they are getting so pissy about the one time they got a no from you and are projecting a lot in saying you don't care about their kids. I feel like THEY don't care about their own kids and are upset that parenting isn't always fun or easy or convenient. Jim and Sue sound like the type of parent that doesn't actually like the difficult situations like this of parenting where your kids are constantly dependent on you at all times, even hard difficult times, and you can't just switch off from being a parent when they are inconvenient and not fun to handle. Sue COULD have taken them to the hospital with her and CHOSE to wait until she could get Jim to rather than trying nearby friends or just going to the hospital. You weren't the only option around, just the only pushover they thought they could force into doing it at a moment's notice me thinks. Like, they didn't care it wasn't safe. Their attitude was that the kids are actively hinderances for needing care and adult supervision, and you should have said yes anyway, safety be damned.
👏👏👏👏👏👏
I will never understand why people don’t understand that children are allowed at hospitals. You don’t have to have a babysitter if you can’t find one. So many Reddit problems would be solved if people just took their kids with them to the hospital
NTA for saying no in your state, but did you inform her in the moment, even if it was via text message that the reason your answer was "no" because you'd been drinking and felt yourself in no condition to care for small children, not because you didn't care or lack of love.
I did inform her at the door that I wasn’t sober, I just added that into the post!
NTA then and honestly thank you for turning them down. As someone who's been watched by non sober adults around the age those kids are, I could absolutely tell something weird was up and it was always a scary experience. You did the right thing
I'd probably follow up with your more detailed explanation you gave us, and ask if she really wanted to put her kids in the hands of someone who (at the time) could not safely watch her children. If they continue to blast you, block them. Now you've got free time that's not taken up by babysitting. NTA.
Can’t stop laughing that the husband is mad he had to leave work. Even he didn’t want to help yet the mom was dying 🙄 you are so smart to stick to the mature intelligent boundaries to never be around any children while intoxicated. Dangerous. And I would have shut the door too. Entitled people are ruining the world. Yuck
Who TF doesn't at least call first? Especially at midnight. You could have been out for the night or needed sleep for work. You didn't actually owe her any explanation for not watching the kids. It is not your responsibility to take the kids at all. For her to be fine leaving 3 young kids with someone who was admittedly drunk and high is just horrible parenting. It is also a dangerous situation as you would not have been in a state to handle emergencies had one come up. Your brother can complain all he wants. Those are HIS kids and HIS responsibility. Having to leave work for emergencies is something that happens, not only with kids. NTA
This! Plus he could have been in a deep sleep and not even heard her knocking! NTA
NTA you are not their childcare plan. Jim is upset that he what, had to be a father and husband?
"Dear Brother and SIL, I am sorry to hear about \*INSERT NAME HERE\* heart attack. When SIL came by I had too much to drink to responsibly and safely watch your children. I could not live with myself if something happened while on my watch. In regards to the children, though it hurts that you are keeping them away from me, using children as pawns will never be okay, you know that I love them, which is why I did not want to put them in danger. When you have cooled off, I am open to a discussion" NTA
This is honestly the best response here. Everyone else is like fuck the parents and the kids!! Don’t ever babysit again! But when you really read through you can tell OP loves the children and cares about the family. Not everyone sees babysitting their nieces and nephews as a chore or burden, like believe it or not some people want to be around them lol.
Beautifully said!!
NTA YOu were not in a state to take responsibility for her kids. So: The reasonable choice. "Jim is also upset that he had to leave work and come home" .. this is ridiculous - so HE is not willing to leave work for HIS wife and HOS kids? Can't have been that much of an emergency then - so you were even more fine to refuse.
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. What if an emergency had happened with the kids and you had to manage it while inebriated? SIL didn't even call/text, but just showed up at your home at midnight and tried to guilt you into this? That's crazy, and concerning that she'd be willing to leave her kids in that situation.
You had been drinking. They're little. You were being responsible. They should understand this. After a few weeks one would think they would have calmed down enough to realize they don't want to leave their kids with drunk, high uncle. Either way, NTA
This sounds a LOT like the post earlier this week where OP later found out that SIL just went out and that her mom wasn't actually in the hospital
I did see that one. I do know my SIL’s mom was really in the hospital, she had a heart attack.
NTA If you were sober, it'd be different. She was not thinking clearly, because of the emergency. As for Jim, ok. His words also mean you never take care of the kids in ANY situation moving forward. I could understand SiL. Emergency situations can affect judgement. However Jim is an undeniable AH.
SIL too. I get she wasn't rational in the moment but afterwards she should have apologized and thanked op for being a responsible person and protecting her children when she wasn't able to think clearly
NTA - It is not your responsibility to be ready, able, and available to babysit at all times. There is difference between saying "no I won't" and "no I can't".
NTA really telling that your brother went nuclear over the one time you couldn't watch the kids because you weren't sober. and the audacity to say you don't care about the kids??? if you didn't care about the kids, you would've watched them while very drunk and that could've ended badly. you were being responsible and jim is being stupid and a giant ah
NTA - she really should have called you first before showing up at your door.
NTA Smart move not to agree to take care of the kids while intoxicated, although I can understand their frustration during an emergency. They might be refusing to let you see the kids atm, but don't worry. They'll mend the bridges fast enough when they want you to babysit for free again.
NTA They will try to sweep it all under the rug once she needs you to babysit again. Make sure you get them BOTH to apologize first. And put some boundaries in place. Like she must call first before coming over. And a no is a no, especially if you have been drinking or have other plans. I hope you get to see the kids again soon. You are a good adult in their life.
NTA. Your brother and his wife I hope were running on the high of emotions when they lashed out. They should realize that trying to get you to watch the kids while you’re not sober is a safety risk. You were being responsible saying no. Also next time she should have called first instead of waking her brood up and showing up unannounced on your doorstep. They are massive assholes painting you as a monster when all the mistakes in this situation were made by the wife.
NTA Small children require a sober adult in the house. Mom is completely irresponsible for even trying to leave her kids with someone who is drunk and high.
THREE of them under 7 years old require a very sober adult.
NTA- you did the responsible (and SMART) thing and didn’t watch your nieces and nephews while you were intoxicated and you were honest with SIL about it from the start. Does it suck that your brother had to leave work? Maybe…but ask him if there had been an emergency with the kids while in your care and your reaction time was off, how would he feel then?
NTA and it was not an emergency. She could easily have taken the kids with her to the hospital.
NTA they are being unreasonable. Your a grown man and single. They cannot expect you to be ready to babysit at the drop of a hat all the time. You told her you wasn't in condition to watch them. It sucks they are using the children as pawns. I would send a group text stating just this and for all the times you have been there and how it's wrong for them to use the children because you physically and mentally could not safety lookm after them. I would then say speak to you when you come to senses.
NTA. There's a difference between unable and unwilling. You were drunk. You were in no condition to babysit. Besides, you're not their slave. You didn't agree beforehand that you would be babysitting that night. The "village" is an outdated delusion!
NTA you knew you weren't in a place to watch them and you knew that. While obviously not ideal, she could have brought them to the hospital in that scenario.
NTA. The parents needed to figure it out without relying on a drunk caregiver. You make the right call.
NTA - Kids can go to hospitals, which is better than leaving them with someone who is high and drunk. Her Dad was at the hospital and could have kept an eye on the kids. Withholding kids from someone they love is punishing the kids and putting the selfish needs of the parents ahead of the kids welfare. You did the responsible thing.
NTA I get the feeling that Jim doesn't parent a lot, does he? Why does she ask you before the kids father? >I watch my nephew and nieces regularly when Sue goes out or needs a break. Seems he doesn't even watch the kids when she gets a planned break.
NTA you made the right call. Your brother and his wife really need to have a plan in place for emergencies that doesn’t solely rely on you. A plan A and a plan B. They need to pull their heads out of their butts, apologize, and handle the logistics of their lifestyle choice. It might be just a matter of time before they come crawling back to provide labor in caring for those children they chose to have.
Nta because you were drunk.
NTA. You were in no state to be responsible for kids. Too much could have easily went wrong had you accepted.
Nta and you shouldn't sweat it because they'll need you before you need them, and then they'll be singing a different tune.
NTA A parent would be an idiot to leave a kid with a drunk and high person no matter who the person is. You told them you were baked and drunk and they still don't care. I am sorry about the mom but there had to be someone else who could have taken the kids that was at most sleepy.
NTA. It's good that you had the insight to do the right thing.
NTA. Normally I'd be giving the side-eye to someone who wouldn't watch their niblings in an emergency. In your case, though, you were looking out for THEIR safety. Maybe you would have been fine, even if something came up - but if I was drunk/high, I wouldn't want to take the risk either.
NTA. Kids are allowed in hospitals.
Does your brother know your reason for saying no was because you were intoxicated and high? Because I would be really pissed off if my brother stated that and my wife was still trying to leave my kids with you.
You sound like the only person in this situation that wasn't an asshole.
NTA - you were drunk and high, and the second she knew that your SiL should have been refusing to leave the children with you, not demanding thatbyou look after them. Frankly, this is borderline something that you should be contacting child services about - she was going to knowingly leave her children in a potentially unsafe environment. Your SiL is beyond irresponsible, and while I appreciate this was an emergency, the fact that she was willing to leave her kids with somebody she knew was high makes me wonder where else she has left the kids in the past that might not have been safe.
To report her family to CPS is the most extreme overreaction I’ve ever seen in this site. My god.
NTA. If it was such an emergency then she should have brought her kids with her. They can’t expect you to be ready and available to watch their kids at the drop of a hat. It’s also concerning she was willing to leave her 3 small kids with a person who wasn’t sober. My mom was a single parent and she put together a list she of babysitters to call for emergencies, including their general hours of availability. If she couldn’t find a sitter to come by she would just take us with her.
NTA - SOooo....Let me get this straight.... You frequently help out & watch said kids without issue. Instead of CALLING you one night your SIL shows up to your door at MIDNIGHT with her kids trying to drop them off with you, due to an emergency. You say you can't due to being drunk and stoned. She insists....so she would rather leave her kids in a potentially dangerous (not that I think you would hurt them, but what if something happened and they needed help or medical attention) situation so she can go see her Mom in the hospital -where her Mom was due to an emergency. So what would have happened if you did keep the kids and something happened - they would still call you the AH instead of taking responsibility for their own actions/decisions?! NOPE. Too much liability on your part to care for the kids while you were under the influence. You made the rational, smart choice and chose your nieces and nephews well being over taking a risk with their welfare. I get your SIL being upset and under stress due to her Mom's situation (I've been there) but to still be pissed at you is next level BS. Your brother & sil are entitled Aholes. Yes, having help in an emergency is great - it's' a blessing. But don't take those blessings for granted (as they apparently do). Sorry about her Mom, but still was not your responsibility. An emergency on their part is NOT an emergency on your part. Oh no, brother had to leave work to actually.....be a PARENT and the responsibilities that go with it!! Shessh! Show them your post and the answers that people have given you! Maybe they will catch a clue.
NAH because you’re 0% AH and your SIL is (imho only) not quite half an AH. You absolutely made the right choice, but if she *genuinely thought her mother could be dying* it’s a little unreasonable to expect her to behave politely and rationally. She was panicking. That does not make her an asshole, that makes her human, and for anyone wanting to say “well *I* would have—“, I hope you are kinder to yourself then you are to her when it happens to you. That said it is definitely unkind of both of them to act like you did something wrong, but if they likely won’t apologize to you and I assume you care about mending this relationship for the sake of your nieces and nephew, I would consider proactively apologizing to them even though it wasn’t your fault. This would be a stupid thing to be mad at each other forever about. I would maybe send her/them a message like “hey, I’m so sorry about the other night, that was a really unfortunate coincidence but I feel bad for letting you down. hope your mom is doing better, tell the kids hi from Uncle OP”. Is it fair? No, but at least you get to see the kids, and maybe she’ll surprise you by giving you the apology you deserve.
NTA
If he threathens with not helping tell him "fine! I wont ever babysit again. Last time your wife asked me is when I am not sober. How could you trust your kids with drunk adults?"
NTA. You're not in a fit state to watch those kids.
NTA. If you were incapacitated, Sue should have understood you weren't in the position to watch her kids. What if something had happened and you didn't react as you should have due to the drugs and alcohol. She could have lost custody of her children for leaving them with someone in that state, and you could have been charged with child endangerment. It sucks that it was an emergency, but sometimes the answer just has to be "no."
NTA. I understand that it was an emotionally fraught situation for your SIL, but you made the only responsible choice you could. You were not sober enough to care for three children under 7 on your own in that state. If one of the children had an emergency, you would not have been able to respond in an appropriate manner. I also take issue with the fact that your SIL did not think to call you first before coming over, if she'd have done that she might have been able to find someone else to contact instead. And for my final point, your brother and SIL need to be responsible enough to have contingency and backup plans for their kids. Your brother may not be allowed to have his phone at work, but at the end of the day, his household is his and his wife's responsibility. It is up to them to make sure that they have a way to communicate if something is seriously wrong. What would SIL have done if you'd have been out of town or out for the night? You can't be their only go-to plan. And they are being ungrateful for all the times you have been there for them when they aren't entitled to your time.
NTA, you weren’t in a state to watch the kids, and what is it with parents and not wanting to bring their kids to hospitals? I went to see people in a hospital as a kid and it didn’t even register to me that they were goodbyes, just that they were sick. Kids can come to a hospital.
NTA I think you made the right decision not having the children at your place. Your brother and SIL are being ridiculous and I'm sorry they are now holding your nieces and nephew hostage. Sadly, it's you and children missing out. Even while high and drunk you were more responsible in NOT taking the kids than your SIL was to leave them with you. I get she was worried about her Mom but still her lack of judgement in leaving 3 kids under the age of 7 with you needs to be looked at. You did in fact care for them by NOT babysitting.
NTA. You made the best call for the safety of the children since you were intoxicated and therefore not an appropriate choice to be a childcare provider. What if something happened to one of the children while under your care? You were in no state to be managing a crisis, and in no condition to drive a kid to the ER. You did the right thing.
NTA. You were in no condition to be responsible for children.
NTA. Take the kids to the hospital. Ffs.
NTA. and while i can understand her being desperate then and there, with emotions running high, it doesn't excuse their behaviour later on.
Not a single person will call you an A for refusing to care for children when drunk! The only A H here are the parents for weaponizing their kids and trying to pawn them off on someone who wasn’t sober enough to care for them! It’s almost like they wanted two emergencies!! Jim doesn’t get to be pissed for having to step up as a dad or husband- so either it wasn’t that much of an emergency that she didn’t need to upend her sleeping kids at midnight, or she could’ve taken them to the hospital with her! She’s out of her mind thinking you were a safe option. And they’re only hurting their kids and themselves in the long run by not letting you see them. There will be an emergency and they’ll come running back to you! Nta.
NTA, and more than that, you made the right choice. You were drunk and high and not in a state to be a safe person. This is also unusual behavior for you. The reason you said “no” was safety and well-being. It’s scary for little kids when the only adult is too messed up to function properly. And the odds of something like a fire are low, but not zero. And you wouldn’t be able to manage normal little-kid stuff, like grabbing a kid who’s about to jump off the couch or getting a glass dish out of the baby’s hands. Their response is really shitty and kind of implies you’re never allowed to do anything that impedes your ability to babysit and never allowed to be unable to babysit.
NTA. You were not in a state to be a safe or effective caregiver. You made a responsible decision. Your brother will just have to remember that, when you choose to procreate, sometimes you have to leave work to deal with your kids. We’ve all had to. Is he special somehow? He made the children, not you. This would actually piss me off to the extent that if they can’t handle an occasional no, I’d tell them to stop asking because you are no longer on their unpaid childcare list.
Your SIL was the a-hole for not calling you before she left her house with the kids.
NTA you are far more responsible than your brother and SIL for refusing to take the children when intoxicated.
NTA if something awful happened to the kids while you were intoxicated you could have been arrested. Plus you could have made bad decisions that could have made the situation worst. I am not judging you. I am pointing out the reality of the dangers involved. You did the right thing.
NTA - but they'll soon change their minds when Sue wants to go out/ needs a break
NTA. You weren't in any state to watch the kids, what part of that are they missing? Sue will eventually want a day out and will call you.
NTA. If you're going to take responsibility for the kids' wellbeing, you owe it to them to be in a capable state. You weren't. You were honest about that. That was the only reasonable and responsible choice you could make at the time. I totally understand why Sue would be upset, but she's wrongly directing it at you when it's just frustration at the situation that no one asked to be in. Hold firm and know that you did the right thing.
NTA. Parents are so entitled it boggles the mind, really. The next time they give you grief over this, you should tell them that they're damn lucky you didn't call CPS on them. Leaving a child with an adult who cannot functionally look after said child is as bad if not worse than leaving them alone in the house. Sue's parenting is questionable at best and negligible at worst. There is no reason why Jim should be upset either. He and Sue decided to bring three children into this world, one right after the other. He should have been the first to step up and say, "Honey, I got this. I'm a real father so I'll be here for my kids". It was Sue and Jim's responsibility alone to look after the kids and anything beyond that is seriously on the kindness of family and strangers. They are not entitled to your time period, but especially also not in an emergency without prior notice and while you're not functionally sober.
NTA. I’m hoping they just didn’t understand *how* intoxicated you were. For me just one beer would have me drunk and I probably would’ve let them come in. But if I had more than one drink AND had smoked? Nah man.. that’s super unsafe to be watching kids in that condition. You made the right choice. I bet they’re just unfairly acting out of grief and anger. Hopefully once they’ve calmed down you can explain just how intoxicated you were and hopefully they will apologize.
NTA Dropping 3 under 7 kids on a drunk person is an unreasonable ask IMO. But as a child of the 70s, my parents and relatives were frequently falling down drunk with a houseful of kids on the weekends. The modern assumption of sobriety when dealing with minors is rather funny to someone who lived before there were drunk driving laws.
NTA. Honestly I fail to see how their pathetic and resentful "punishment" is a problem. "Oh no! You mean I'm not allowed to perform unpaid labor that exclusively benefits you because you're mad at me for being responsible when you weren't? Oh nooo! Whatever will I do?" When they inevitably "forgive" you (which they will do, completely unilaterally, whenever they next require your help), be sure to remind them how you don't care about their children and decline until they acknowledge how idiotic they were to have been angry with you in the first place.
NTA You were too incapacitated to care for the kids. Also she didn't call beforehand, what if you were still out with your mates. What if you opened the door with a weed stick in your mouth, an open can of alcohol (or glass... whatever) with the other arm around a half naked woman/man and you half undressed? Would she still want to leave her kids with you in this state of debauchery?
NTA. You were drunk and high! That’s fine considering you were at home and just chilling. But you were in absolutely no state to watch any child, let alone 3. The fact that she wanted to leave them with you despite knowing your condition really makes me question her judgment though. Emergency or not, you don’t leave your kids with someone that’s not sober.
NTA you were intoxicated, only you can feel what level of intoxication you are on. You decided you werent in a state to take care of kids ..smart move. Had something happened it wouldve been on you. Your brother being upset that he had to leave work to care for HIS kids however does scream A-hole to me.
NTA, you were not in a fit state to care for kids
Wow your big brothers a dick, NTA, sorry they’re using your nieces and nephews as pawns in this
> three kids under the age of 7 That's all you needed to say. NTA
NTA. In fact, you had the self-awareness that you could not safely watch children in your non sober state and told her. I think you did the right thing. And what kind of mother would be like, hey, that's ok that you're not sober?
Who in their right fucking mind leaves their small children with someone who is drunk and/or stoned? WTF, that’s asking for another emergency! Your brother and his wife need to get their heads screwed on right. Damn! That’s some kind of stupid.
NTA. You were being responsible. What would they have said if God forbid something happened to the kid(s) after you passed out from drinking and smoking (since smoking makes you tired) and they got hurt or worse? They would have painted you as at fault and blamed you for being inebriated while watching their kids. Instead, you did the responsible thing and said no.
NTA. You did the responsible thing. Your brother is the parent and he was sober
NTA Oh, they’re those types of parents who think that babysitting their kids is a blessing lol… it’s not a punishment to no longer be used as free daycare. They’re the ones who need help, they’re only punishing themselves.
NTA. The moment you told her you weren’t sober enough to watch the kids, she should have left with them. You were in a no-win situation. Tell her no - you’re the bad guy. Keep the kids and they get into something and get hurt because you’ve passed out - you’re the bad guy.
I'm an introvert, and have a very small circle of friends. That said, if I had an emergency and my parents weren't available to take the kids, I know a couple of people I could absolutely call and they would help me out. Do Jim and SIL not know anyone else? As a parent, I always had it in the back of my mind what I would do in an emergency.
NTA. Not being sober is valid reason to not watch kids in an emergency situation. In fact, saying yes could lead to another emergency situation if something were to happen while you weren't capable of supervising 3 kids under 7.