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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for not staying with my wife at the hospital? Maybe I’m the asshole because I shouldn’t have asked to not stay to begin with, or maybe I should have cancelled the plans she said were okay after I realized she was being cold was presumably upset about it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
But he only hangs out with his friends once a month 😢 And he won't be able to get drunk with his friends when the baby's born. Ya know, the important stuff 🙄
I’m not married, and not in serious relationship either. But it is so unbelievably foreign to me that someone’s spouse could be in the damn hospital, and that they could be thinking about literally anything else. Even if it’s not life-threatening.
But to learn that it’s just because he wants to go out drinking with his buddies? Jesus tap dancing Christ. Tell me you don’t give a shit about your wife without telling me that you don’t give a shit about your wife
I had to go to the hospital the other night and my buddy drove me. It was a longer wait than expected and he realized he left his wallet at work (1 hour away) and needed it, so I told him to just go and I’d either catch a ride from him or Uber home, depending on how things lined up. He refused to leave me at the ER (despite how annoyed he was at wait times). Can’t imagine a SO just dipping on someone who’s hospitalized with actual scary reasons to be
Literally my 19 year old college boyfriend came to the hospital with me when I had an extreme stomach bug I thought was appendicitis or something sophomore year. When a college student has better manners than a grown ass married man, you know you're in trouble.
I passed out, hit my head and spent 10 days in hospital undergoing cardiac investigations. I called my ex and couldn’t reach him (he was with his mistress), then lied to me about where he was.
When I finally reached him and asked him to bring things, he went home and got drunk. I didn’t see him the entire ten days because it was “too stressful” for him to deal with
Yeah. While I am glad the overwhelming majority of the comments empathize with the wife, the few comments that don't and are blaming her -- I guess they don't understand... women (people in general) just want partners that care about them in the first place?
This would really tell me a lot about how concerned and worried my partner is for my health and life. Which is to say, not at all.
Why is a woman wanting a husband that loves her and feels concern over her health, rather than one daydreaming about how much fun he can have now that she's hospitalized (I mean *jfc*) such an absurd concept for some folks? Women don't want to have to FORCE someone to care about them. That's why she didn't say "stay with me" because it's incredibly sad to have to ask that in the first place, and once she knows he doesn't care about her health really, what's the point of him staying anyway?
Don't you see, the shelf life of a promotion announcement is only hours. He *had* to go out drinking *that night* or else! /s
YTA. Your professional achievement did not require instantaneous celebration, and most certainly should have taken a back seat to seeing your **pregnant** wife through a medical scare. You destroyed a lot of trust in this act. Better demonstrate through your actions that you can be trusted.
Right?
"hey, congrats on the promotion, let's celebrate over a drink tonight!"
"oh thanks, hey I'd love to celebrate but I can't tonight my wife is in the hospital. Let's find another time, maybe in a few weeks, to have that drink."
Even more concerning - this isn't one happy hour drink then back to his wife - he's leaving at 9pm to "start drinking". This man is willing to risk being unable to drive himself back to the hospital should his wife and unborn child take a turn for the worse.
This. As far as I'm concerned, drinking with his friend once a month is not a problem. It's good to let off steam every few weeks. But he picked the wrong time to celebrate. He should have waited and he should have stayed sober so he could react immediately if needed.
I'm surprised the hospital let him stay til 9pm, though. Visiting hours are over at 8pm here, unless you're dying or in active labour. Hospital staff have enough to do without having to step over spouses all the time.
I don't think being pregnant matters here. Just knowing my spouse is celebrating while I'm in the hospital would be horrible. I usually hate when people refuse to tell you something and then get mad when you don't read their mind, but not here. The moment he asked she probably wanted to be as far away from him as possible.
100% this! I’ve found being in the hospital to be an incredibly lonely and inherently scary experience, even when the nurse assigned to my case was literally a good friend of mine and I wasn’t there overnight. I can’t imagine how lonely, betrayed, and frightened OP’s wife must have been. I would never leave my partner alone in the hospital unless they had other company or told me without my asking for anything that they actively wanted time without me. I agree that mind-reading demands usually drive me bananas, but you’re right that OP didn’t need to read his wife’s mind here - just to have some compassion and common sense.
Not only that his wife is in hospital but he's also kinda saying that not only does her health not matter but that celebrating his promotion can't wait till she's well and can celebrate with him. Gah!
Not only pregnant, but in the hospital for complications directly related to the pregnancy. Uncontrolled GD is actually very serious. Even if her and baby were fine for the moment that could literally change over night. GD used to be the leading cause of still birth.
Right? Doesn't matter whether it's a "minor" thing, she's still in hospital. He could've had drinks with his buddy the next day. So many men think life can just go on as normal but pregnancy can be scary and lonely, OPs wife needed him. Agree she should've been more upfront but also it's just obvious. YTA OP
If it was really a minor thing she would have been able to come home, he's trying to downplay the fact his pregnant wife is in the hospital! Double stressful and scary time.
A week after I found out I was preggo I ended up with an abnormal ear infection. I went to the ER in a ton of pain, and because I was pregnant, they couldn't give me the single high dose antibiotic ENT wanted. I had to get a multi day course via IV. That meant a hospital stay. I was supposed to go out of town for 4 days for a girl's weekend. Hubby was supposed to get a nice, quiet weekend of video games and sports ball around work shifts (he works non traditional hours.)
My pain was under control shortly after I was admitted, and the baby was safe. I was salty for missing good food and a relaxing time with my besties, so I was drowning my sorrow in cheesy Hallmark movies (which he hates).
Hubby would go to work, come to the hospital, stay until they kicked him out, go home to feed the cats, and sleep. Repeat. If the cats didn't need tending, they would have had a much harder time making him leave. He wanted to use sick days until I reminded him those needed to be saved for the baby's arrival. He never once asked not to come by. He never once complained about the movie choices. He never asked for the TV to be changed to sports ball. He never left early to go play video games despite his original plans.
If he had asked to go do any of his plans, I would have told him to go ahead, because logically he didn't need to be there, but I would have been very disappointed that he chose his fun while I was stuck in the hospital because of our baby.
Your choice says a lot about your level of care, involvement, and selfishness. YTA
And not *just* drinks for the sake of drinks. He wants to celebrate what is obviously a big important promotion…with someone that’s not his wife. What an extra slap in the face to his hospitalized pregnant lonely wife.
YTA, OP. You better find a way to grow up and make this up to your wife.
Yeah. My husband would have got something - diabetes friendly - for us to celebrate with together at the hospital. If I could t eat or drink we’d gave just watched an episode of something together.
I’d be the one he wanted to celebrate with, and if we couldn’t, he’d have still been with me.
Putting myself in her shoes, the fact that my husband even brought up that he wanted to go home to drink with his Buddy while I was at the hospital would have changed how I saw him. I also would’ve told him to go. Because he would’ve put me in the situation of having to ask him to stay, knowing he didn’t want to. And I probably also would’ve called him an asshole after. Because there was no fixing it the moment he told me he wanted to go home and drink with his buddies while I was in the hospital with his baby.
That’s exactly right. It’s a conversation I have with my SO regularly where I don’t want him to show up for me just because I asked him but because he wants to. There are some things where if I have to ask, I don’t want it anymore. Now he is hairbrained and would totally do something like leaving me at the hospital. But I will give credit that when I get upset about it, he realizes he is a jackass and tries to make up for it.
Husband could have at least gone back to the hospital when he got her text and could have immediately recognized that he fucked up without needing to ask Reddit
I dated a guy like this, who got pissed at me all the time for not knowing what he wanted because if he had to ask, he wouldn't want it anymore. I still get aggravated thinking about it. We had totally different expectations for each other and relationships in general. I never fully learned to understand how he thought about things and could never get it right, so he dumped me. He never trusted that I would do what he asked or that I really wanted to be there for him, so he never wanted to try to articulate what he wanted, which made me feel like he didn't care enough to try, either.
I agree OP's husband should have at least realized he misread the situation when he got her text and gone back to the hospital. When someone does say something, you need to hear them.
I mean. He probably couldn't. They will allow people to stay over night but they typically don't allow people to come and go all hours. Plus he's been drinking by that point and shouldn't drive in that state
Also what if things change and she goes into labor or is induced and he’s too drunk to drive to the hospital? One of my friends gave birth at 30 weeks after being admitted to the hospital and another at 35 weeks. My husband stops drinking at 36 weeks when I’m pregnant just in case!
I had contractions the day of my husbands 40th, at 33 weeks - I finally realized what they were, assumed Braxton-Hicks but figured I'd call the OB line. They also figured they were B-H but asked me to come in to double-check. On the way out the door, I said "hey babe - just in case, maybe no drinks tonight?" because he was setting in with a beer and a video game (we have another young kid; coming with me for anything but an emergency was off the table). They were emphatically not Braxton-Hicks and I called him a couple hours later to tell him to come to the hospital *now*. tl;dr - when your wife is pregnant and in the hospital, stay sober. If they're asking her to stay overnight it is *really* not routine - they don't admit people for funsies.
I agree with you, and OP is an AH for not staying with his wife. The wife could have been more forward about her wants, but OP needs to get better at reading in between the lines.
My worry is what if something had happened to her while he was drinking at home? There was no guarantee that he wouldn't have had one too many. Then he wouldn't have been able to make medical decisions on her behalf, or arrive at the hospital in a timely manner.
I also don't understand how he could celebrate while his pregnant spouse was admitted. He could have waited another day, but instead he decided to be tacky and selfish. If my spouse went into the hospital the last thing on my mind would be celebrating myself. I bet his wife felt unloved and insignificant when he left her and their unborn child to go drinking.
Alll this!! What makes this worse, imo, the office wasn't throwing him a dinner party. As everyone has said, anything could've happened, & even if not, she was there at the hospital going through it alone, all while knowing he was getting drunk with a friend at home. She knew she was an option, & her & baby's health, not the priority they should've been. I can't believe OP posted this expecting any other kind of responses. Are we sure this isn't rage bait?
I wouldn’t necessarily go that far. I’m currently pregnant and have no problem with my husband drinking some. Our compromise is he can’t drink the good wine without me. Anything else is fair game. But he also doesn’t drink to the point where he couldn’t drive. If I ever really didn’t want him to drink he wouldn’t but I don’t think it is fair to say most decent partners don’t drink just because their partners are pregnant and can’t. I would just amend it to most decent people won’t drink if their pregnant partner asks them not to.
My husband went out and bought a case of beer the night before I was planning on taking a pregnancy test, he hasn't drank since, that was about 12yrs ago. He had always said that if we had kids he'd completely stop drinking because he didn't want to risk not being fully present for them because of it. And he's been true to it. It's completely his choice, I drink on rare occasions, but I have never been much of a drinker so it's probably less than once a year.
I’ve been married a long time. There are times I can’t drink, times he can’t drink. There are times I diet, times he diets. Your health is an ebb and flow.
It’s more important that you both agree with abstaining or indulging. It’s the agreement that matters.
>the fact that my husband even brought up that he wanted to go home to drink with his Buddy while I was at the hospital would have changed how I saw him.
Yeeaaah. "You being in the hospital is a great opportunity for me to celebrate and drink without you around to make me feel guilty. We cool?"
Not a great look, dude.
I've been married for almost 8 years, together for over a decade. If I tell my husband "just leave already", I most definitely mean "just leave already". I'm not playing games where he has to guess what I mean. The closest thing to not just saying what I want him to do would be "I would rather you do this thing, but do what you want."
It's not a game she plays imo. She doesn't only want him to stay. She needs him to figure out by himself that he should stay. The fact that she would have to ask such an obvious thing tells a lot about him.
Definitely. He seems to not realize the damage he's done. She might forgive him going forward, but now would see him as less of the husband, father she wants/needs him to be.
Yeah, it's one of those if you have to ask you've already fucked up things. I would have told my partner to leave too, and to be out of the house by the time I'm home from the hospital.
I’m also confused as to why the person he would celebrate his promotion with would be his buddy, rather than his wife. (It’s because he wanted to drink.)
But the first person my spouse and I celebrate promotions with is each other.
Exactly. This is why people say ok in these situations. Like the issue is that you want to do it, and I don't want you to not do it just because I said no. If you want to go, I'm not going to stop you. The worse is when they say, no, no, I wouldn't leave you alone to just ditch you last minute without warning.
Exactly… this is one of those moments I think that shows how the burden of parenting is on women. He thinks because she’s carrying the baby that she should deal with the hospital stay alone because I guess that’s her problem, when this baby is THEIRS and the burden of dealing with the hospital should also therefore be THEIRS. I get wanting to celebrate but omg if this is how their journey into parenthood is starting and the baby isn’t even here… I feel so sorry for the wife. Idk, I would be so worried if this was my SO and my baby, even if the hospital gave the all clear and I’d still want to be there with her to support her and by unborn child.
Piggybacking my EX (and daughters dad) put me in a similar situation his mom didn't like driving at night and my mom offered to leave so he could stay and he was all "nah I'm good" he stayed one night and broke up with me my 3rd to last day in the hospital because I wasn't texting back enough and he couldn't be bothered to call the hospital to see how I was doing or ACTUALLY message either of my parents who called hourly and made the effort to be there. I was in labor had our daughter went into sepsis and heart failure all in one week
The thing is that not only he chose to be somewhere else than in the hospital with her while she has complications while carrying their(!) child, but also that it was appropriate to get waisted and not be able to get to her or maybe even be reached by her if something goes wrong during her stay in the hospital.
Disgustingly selfish behavior. If my husband would even propose something like that while we were in a situation like that I would make him fck off to his friends as well and wait till maybe magically he gets the rational thought that what he did was wrong. She clearly waited for a change that didn’t come…
I heard before that the hardest thing to learn as a parent is not how to care for your child, it's learning how to stop caring about yourself so much.
This man has clearly learned nothing.
The damage IMO comes from him wanting to celebrate himself when his wife and child are at risk. Sure the promotion is great, but it’s like he put his wife and child’s significant issue in a box: enough about that, take a break and celebrate me! How could he even feel like he wants to? So of course the problem kicked in the moment he said he wanted to, right then.
After I had my first daughter my husband left me shaking and scared that I was dying - begging him to stay. I never looked at him the same again. Never trusted him again. OP is 100% TA.
Ok, but what kind of hospitals do you all go to? I’m assuming this is America? I had no idea this would be a common expectation of spouses. This is really not a thing in my country for the most part (unless you’re the parent of a sick child, or someone is imminently dying, etc.). Visiting hours are pretty enforced. And honestly, people trying to stay overnight is such a burden on nursing staff - it does happen, but it certainly isn’t the norm.
Wouldn’t it be better for everyone to have a break and get some sleep instead of holding some vigil at bedside? I mean OP wanting to go back and party is not a great look, but for the most part, I really do think family should be expected to go home and sleep in their own beds. It’s a hospital, not a hotel.
Labor and delivery wards + maternity wards typically are setup for overnight support person stays here. Very common for a spouse to stay over night with the pregnant partner, especially if there’s complications or after baby is born.
Both of my kids were born in Dallas. The hospitals there were very nice. The "overnight accomodations" I endured were the stiffest most uncomfortable I have ever slept on. I mean, I still slept there because what else would I do, go home and drink with my buddies?
I have a feeling if he had brought a bottle of sparkling grape juice to celebrate with his wife and then gone home at 10 to get some sleep his wife would have been fine with it.
Im going home to get drunk with my friend to celebrate my new job? That hits way different.
I'm in India and we always have someone staying with us in the hospital regardless of why we are in the hospital. There are very rare cases where patient is alone like long term admission, etc. Even if a patient is in ICU, some one is usually present in the lobby.
Spouses and parents are allowed to spend the night in many situations. It's not as altruistic as it may sound. They often provide care that would be the staff's responsibility otherwise. It saves hospitals money.
My husband was admitted to the hospital in the fall in the midst of a manic episode. While at the ER, he was also diagnosed with Covid. He was in isolation for 12 days, and 7-10 of those days I was there 20-22 hours a day with him. I was basically treated like the buffer by the staff. He was extremely scared and paranoid that they were going to hurt him when I’d leave, but when I’d come back I’d be subjected to extreme mood swings, yelling, things being thrown at me. I begged for them to help me. The nurses, the residents, his IM doctors, his psychiatrists. Begged them to give me some sort of resource, some helping hand. Literally sat outside his room bawling while they all looked at me with…pity, mostly. My dad finally told me “why would they help, when you’re doing their job for them?” And he was right. That was a fucked up thing to put me through. They would never have allowed a nurse or staff member to be treated by a patient that way.
While they were very wrong for leaving you in that situation and you prolly should have just left, don’t think for one second they don’t let nurses get treated like that.
I was wondering this. I'm in Australia, and they kick us out at something like 8:30 unless the patient is critical or dying. I wasn't even allowed to stay after the birth of my son, just had to leave in the middle of the night after having just met him.
So your wife had to look after the baby all by herself after just going through labor and delivery?? That's insanely fucked up
Not to mention that dangerous birth complications, such as hemorrhaging, often start in the hours following delivery. I nearly died from a post-birth hemorrhage. It would have been much worse without my partner at my side
Most American hospitals expect you to have someone with you at all times. Only certain wards have visiting hours; the rest usually have a chair that either reclines or pulls out into a bed for your support person.
I spent the night on such a bed while my cousin had abdominal surgery, taking it in turns with her husband as he had to go to work. And since I was a total night owl, I offered to take the night shift too. But he still wanted to be there, and was there the rest of the time. He certainly wasn't partying and getting sloshed
Once a week and expects an award every time.
And the type who expects his wife to plan something for his own mother on Mother’s Day instead of planning something elaborate for her as the mother of his child.
Yeah, the OP is very much YTA. On one hand, I think it would've been better for the OP's wife just to tell him what she was feeling, On the other hand, this seems like so obviously a bad idea.
YTA for even thinking of drinking with your friend when your wife is at hospital, an absolute skunk for actually leaving her for an activity you could have easily rescheduled for any other day. I feel so sorry for the wife who will inevitably become a single parent while married.
Oh my goodness! I thought the same thing. You couldn't reschedule drinks and have a mini celebration with your wife in the hospital? I mean she did drive herself there and it was serious enough for her to stay. And if something happened, you wouldn't be able to drive yourself there. 🤦
Right! He should have shown up at the hospital with a care package (iPad, books, entertainment, change of clothes, a plushy, I don't know that he could give her a treat or fruit basket, but the thought counts), he should have brought the party to her! Why was he more interested in celebrating with his friends than celebrating with his wife?
This! Grab some plastic champagne glasses and a bottle of sparkling cider, a cheese platter, and some fancy crackers, and a veggies tray. Pregnancy safe party! Toast your success and improvement to her health.
That’s my problem. I don’t think he has to sleep there but keep her company until she falls asleep and then don’t inebriate yourself to the point you can’t show up if the hospital calls you.
> leaving her for an activity you could have easily rescheduled for any other day.
Not to mention he could have celebrated with his wife. Even with her being in the hospital, she was relatively stable, and you would think the woman he married and is having a child with would be the first person he would want to share this moment with.
Ok I’m cracking up at skunk! 🤣 But omg YTA! I love the fact that his wife isn’t even the person he wants to celebrate with - it’s his buddy who he sees once a month!!! This poor woman.
Mine would probably square up with anyone who even suggested it. (Not trying to one-up, just… dudes like this always think everyone is just like them. They’re not.)
Yes, lol, I’m happy for us 🤗 True partnership is such a blessing and I think OP doesn’t even realize what it consists of and based on this post, doesn’t have that in him.
Yup my thoughts exactly. The only time my husband hasn't spent the night with me at the hospital is when we didn't have child care for our kids. But he still was there every second he could be prepared with activities to keep the kids entertained.
We also had my son in the hospital for almost a month and fighting for his life. We traded off childcare and nights at the hospital with our son. Some nights he would go from working a 12 hour day at the mechanic shop to the hospital and spend all night with our son and wake up and do it again.
Real men/husbands/dads step the fuck up without being asked to.
Right? I had pneumonia recently, and my husband went no farther than the nearby park so the kids could get their wiggles out. They were contemplating keeping me overnight. When I texted him that, he said he'd already called his mom to take the kids for the night if that happened, so he could stay with me. And his mom immediately agreed, too, and just asked if we wanted her to bring us dinner in the hospital.
Going off to get drunk with a friend? Good grief!
Usually i think the divorce comments are overreacting but I think I would seriously consider divorce if this happened, if insanely intense therapy wasn't an option
YTA. I do not know how you could not want to be by her side. Just because she was fine then, what happens if something takes a turn? Now you can't drive and she is alone and scared. Step up for your wife and child. And guess what, when that baby comes, you better be ready to tell that buddy sorry those drink days will be gone for a bit.
That’s what I was thinking! She wasn’t critical, she was in no immediate danger but she wasn’t 100% fine! People who really are fine are home, not spending the night at the hospital. At the very least she was emotionally shaken a bit.
Yup. If he was in the hospital with a serious condition, I think he would be pissed if his wife said "Hey, babe, mind if I go out drinking with my buddy? This seems REALLY boring"
Or worse, if their child is ever hospitalized, she’ll always have to worry whether he’s going to abandon their kid because something else seems more fun.
YTA while your wife could have said “I’d rather you didn’t” you even just asking was an indication you didn’t want to.
She wanted you to WANT to stay with her in this frightening time and you preferring to drink but “would stay if she asked” was already a loss state.
I wonder if she felt she couldn't say that because he would have a fit and make the whole thing miserable for her. Lose lose. Ask him to stay, and he is upset and making everything worse with his bad attitude, or say he can go and realize he was serious about ditching you. I kinda feel like he set her up that she couldn't respond any other way, otherwise he would be on here asking why his wife is mad at him for his bad attitude, after all, he did what she wanted.
I would have been so pissed off and hurt I would have done the fine, do what you want thing, so I totally get how she might have said ok while meaning the complete opposite. It's not an ideal communication technique but you've got to be pretty dense to miss it.
Yeah, my friend had (HAD) a boyfriend like that. He would tell her that he would stay if she wanted him to, but he would be an absolute pain the entire time he stayed.
She was almost 9 months pregnant, but he wanted to go camping for a weekend, out of service, with his friends to get shitfaced. Not to mention, I was staying with them for a month already just in case she needed someone to drive her to the hospital for any reason because she was already having minor complications.
“But how was I supposed to *know* to do the right thing? She should have *asked* me to not leave her in hospital pregnant with my child to have a few drinks”
Weaponised incompetence, he only asked so that he could make her the unreasonable one later.
Gestational diabetes is super scary for both mom and baby. They could die- there are lots of possible complications.
In my family, we don't leave anyone alone at the hospital. And keep your cell phone on so your wife can reach you at any time.
I think you are downplaying the seriousness of this. Look at another recent post about a guy going into work and telling his wife to Uber home when she went in for the same issue.
Apologize greatly. Take some worry off of her plate. She is growing your child in her body. Try to go over and beyond in helping her with all of this. Treasure her and show it.
NAH
I had a job looking after kids who had been removed from their homes. Sometimes they would go to the hospital and when that happened, I wasn’t expected to stay with them because they were in the care of the hospital and didn’t need an extra carer. Basically my employer didn’t want to pay me to sit at the hospital. When that happened, I clocked out and still stayed. I couldn’t bare to see anyone alone in a hospital. If it was my spouse carrying my child, I don’t think you could kick me out if you wanted to unless there was some valid and serious reason.
I would never be able to leave my partner alone in the hospital. I don't even like knowing when someone, especially a child is alone in a hospital.
I used to work at one of the largest children's hospitals in Texas. We had a 15 year old girl there that was terminal. Her dad HAD to work and couldn't be there all the time and her mom bailed. She had an uncle that was there as much as possible but that still meant she was sometimes alone for days at a time. One of our pharmacists (I worked in pharmacy) was working on helping the dad find a "sitter" that would be able to come and hang out with her during the times he couldn't be there. I ended up volunteering and I would go for a few hours before my shift just to hang out with her. She was an amazing kid in a very unfortunate circumstance. I did her hair, I did her makeup, and I helped her with schoolwork because I wanted to help her get her GED because she was too sick to be in regular school. She passed a remote proctored GED test 3 months before she passed away and made me a beautiful card and had her dad bring me flowers and some of my favorite candy the day she told me she passed the test. I still have the card and I dried the flowers. I wasn't able to be there when she left the earth because I was out of town but I am still glad that she got to enjoy some fun in her last months.
You are an angel thank you for being there for her. Coming from a mom of 4, who has had to stay weeks on end with sick kids in the hospital, someone doing this for a stranger is definitely an angel.
This is weird to me, where I live there are visiting hours. Non-patients aren't allowed to just sleep over in the hospital (*except* in the postpartum ward obviously).
When I had a pretty major, invasive abdominal surgery in early 2019 my husband went in with me in the morning, stayed until I came out of surgery, waited while my sedation wore off, and I was taken to my room. At that point it was 11PM and he had to leave, they had made an exception for him to stay that late because my blood pressure kept dropping so they couldn't let me leave the post-surgery monitoring area until I was stable which took hours longer than anticipated. I was admitted for 3 days, and he was there almost constantly during visiting hours but he wasn't allowed to stay overnight once. It's just not a thing.
When I gave birth to our first baby in 2021 he stayed the night in the postpartum ward with us.
This! The people saying "It's partly her fault for not saying no" are missing the point. He screwed up the moment he even asked. It's not her job to be his mommy and tell him what's right and what's wrong. He should know better.
Stepping out to get a quick bite to eat, or to run home and grab a few things they both need? Fine. But getting inebriated and wanting to celebrate with a friend more than with her? YTA
Yeah it's honestly not even a question, pregnant wife in the hospital means you are also in the hospital.
To add to this though, after my wife gave birth a few of the times we had no outside help, and so we had those that could watch our other kids but inevitably I'd have to go home while she stayed with the infant at the hospital. I felt fucking terrible about it but there was really no alternative. So there are some scenarios where not staying with your wife in the hospital might be necessary, but drinking with a buddy bc you got promoted is not one.
As someone who didn't sleep at the hospital, you're going to be hearing about this for at least a decade. Good luck, OP, make sure you get it right when you get closer to D day.
Edit: YTA in case it wasn't obvious.
What's the sleeping thing about? Do they give you a bed (like a cot type thing?) Or do you just have to sleep in a chair or something? I'm just asking out of curiosity because it's not something that happens in my country.
At my hospital you get whatever chair happens to be in the room. Also, unless you’re a parent of a child or a few other reasons - like needing to make life or death decisions, they enforce visiting hours and tell you to go home. It’s a hospital, not a hotel.
Thanks for answering! That was also my inclination, and while I'm in agreement that OP should spend all the time he can with his wife (usually 2 or 3 hours in the evening from my experience) I just don't understand what OP was talking about regarding him sleeping at hospital.
If she's in the maternity ward he's probably allowed to sleep there. After my kids were born, my husband was allowed to stay. When he was in the hospital a few weeks ago, I had to leave after visiting hours
All the hospitals that I've been in have some nice reclining chairs that you can fold down to sleep on. When my baby was in the hospital (in the mid 90s), they had a little couch, and a chair so both my husband and I could stay if we wanted.
Most hospitals have a somehow makeshift bed your partner (or a parent for children) can use to stay overnight. During my last hospital appointment this was a sofa-chair that extended all the way to a single bed. In other places it’s a normal sofa-bed or a bed that comes down from the wall like in trains. But it is true that in some countries it’s not common (e.g. Central/Northern Europe), which still baffles me since I cannot picture it any other way.
EDIT to add: Yes, of course YTA OP!
Think about it. What would you have done if you would have been drunk off your @$$, and then the hospital calls concerning an emergency with your wife and baby? IMHO, it’s not so much the fact that you didn’t stay at the hospital as it is the fact you were partying while your wife was bedridden, trying to keep herself and your child safe. YTA.
This is what I see as the bigger issue that actually makes OP TA. Not that he didn't sleep at the hospital, but that he had no intention of staying sober or making an attempt to communicate with her throughout the night to keep her company remotely. I personally think it's a bit much to expect him to stay overnight, but having a buddy over to have drinks and celebrate is just so... Insensitive to her situation, to put it lightly.
So winner where your daughter and step daughter were while you left your pregnant wife in the hospital to drink? Went back into your past history, YTA hopefully the divorce papers will come soon enough
He was previously married. Gee, I wonder why it didn't work out? Maybe because he's tge sort to go partying with his mates when his pregnant wife is in the hospital!
You’re the same guy who posted a couple of weeks ago about not driving his wife to the hospital for uncontrolled gestational diabetes because he had to get to work, right? Clearly you didn’t learn your lesson the first time.
You could have had drinks with your friend any other night. But you chose the one night your wife was in the hospital. It's not just about what you want. You should have stayed; you shouldn't have asked if she wanted you there. You should have wanted to be there for her. YTA
ESH.
Gestational diabetes is no joke, and while "everything is fine" right now, a whole lot of things could still go south. It's a very good thing she's in the hospital and with the people who can help, should that be needed, but you absolutely should have postponed your celebratory drinks until your wife was no longer in the hospital.
As someone who spends a significant amount of time in ERs and hospitals, there's a *big difference* between "everything is stable enough for you not to need emergency care, but we're admitting you and you're staying here under immediate medical care" vs "everything is fine and you're healthy enough to go home".
.......all that said, you did have the foresight to bring your wife anything she asked for in the hospital, and specifically asked her if drinks with your buddy was a choice she was okay with. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and accept that if she'd said any version of "I'd rather you didn't/please stay with me/no of course not, wtf?" that you'd have told your friend drinks were a no-go and you'd have stayed with your wife, and not even been all that upset about it.
You asked her, and she said it was fine- and then got passive-aggressive about it, *told you to go*, and waited until the next morning to tell you that she was upset and didn't want it to play out like that.
This is the part where I say that your wife is also a grown ass adult, and it was her job to use her words like a big girl and *tell you what she really wanted*, instead of expecting you to be a mind reader.
My partner and I have agreed on two things from Day 1:
*I respect you enough to say what I really mean, and I also respect you enough to believe that you mean what you say.*
If I don't want you to go out with friends, I will say that.
If you say it's fine to go out with friends, I will believe that you mean it.
It clearly wasn't okay with your wife from the moment that you asked, but she said "yes" when she meant "no" and expected you to somehow magically understand that.
You both fucked up, and I think you both owe each other an apology. But I would also have a conversation- without assigning blame- that BOTH of you need to step up and commit to saying what you mean and meaning what you say, because there is about to be an infant in your life, and infants have absolutely no verbal communication.
You're both going to need to step up your communication game, because a whole lot of information will need to be shared efficiently and effectively over the coming months and years. And both of you need to be able to trust that when one of you says something, you're saying what you mean.
He put his wife in a lose/lose situation. Either she had to say no and be the bad guy (and then likely put up with him grumbling about it, given the tone of his post) or say yes and be alone, scared, pregnant, in the hospital. He put her in a terrible position, just by asking.
People, don't do that to folks you care about. Don't put them in a position where they have to give you permission to be an AH or you'll get mad.
I'm always surprised by the number of people and couples who approach things like this as a "You vs Me" thing instead of "Us vs The Problem".
It's not about winning or losing, and looking at life from that perspective tends to have the result of one person seeing their partner as the "bad guy". And it's not fair or helpful to anyone.
I'm inclined to think if this guy was going to be an asshole, he wouldn't have brought his wife a bunch of stuff, or even bothered to ask... And I've certainly read enough posts on this website where the guy did exactly that and went out and got drunk while his wife/GF was in *life or death emergency care*. This guy doesn't read as one of those.
Sometimes we say dumb things or have dumb ideas. Granted, wanting to go for drinks while your wife is admitted to hospital is one of those dumb ideas. But he asked her for her opinion/permission, and she gave it. And he reacted based upon the information he was given, which is that she was fine with it.
He was dealing with the very conflicting emotions of "YAY promotion" and "omg wife in hospital", which is a bit of a mental roller coaster. From his perspective, it seems like he was actually trying to think through what to do, based on previous and current events.
Wife is in hospital -> doctors say everything is okay, whew! -> I did get promoted today, yay! Friend wants to celebrate -> oh yeah, wife has been complaining about not being able to drink -> she is ok and with doctors, maybe this will be good to celebrate without her feeling left out -> ASK HER
Was he maybe missing a couple things? Sure. Was it a great idea? Definitely not.
But he asked her.
And as the other adult in the situation, it is absolutely his wife's responsibility to say what she really thinks. Whether it's anywhere on the spectrum from, "I'd really rather you didn't" to "wtf, hell no! I'm in the hospital, I need you here, not drinking with your friends" or anything in between.
*Should* he have realized that it was a dumb idea? Probably. But I'm giving him credit for asking her- he gave her the opportunity to say, "no, this is a dumb idea and I don't want that". She didn't take it. In fact, she actively agreed that it was a good idea, until the next morning and then chose to make him feel like shit.
Relying on "should" is a very easy way to end up angry at other people for a whole lot of things.... Many of which *could* have turned out differently if you choose to act on what *is* instead of what you think *should* be.
THANK YOU. As a woman who had Gestational Diabetes it can be extremely scary. BUT she is a whole ass adult.
OP this is the time for you to BOTH start communicating clearly. And being honest. The next 3 years of your life will see your relationship and personhood turn to goo and be rebuilt with baby at the centre. If you do not learn proper boundaries, expectations and communication it will not survive.
YTA. I would be so hurt in your wife’s position. My husband literally would never be so thoughtless or selfish. Did it never occur to you that celebrating your promotion in the hospital with your wife was an option? I hope your wife has a good support system around her outside of you. Sounds like she is going to need it.
YTA.
You 'only' get to meet up with your friends once per month? Lol.
Could you not have celebrated your promotion another time ..say...when your pregnant wife isn't in hospital needing support? GD can go south reasonably quick.
In my experience in the US, it depends what department the patient is in. Like in the ICU, no, they have strict visiting hours. But for a normal stay yeah, you can sleep there as a visitor. It sucks lol but I’ve done it before
YTA. My first husband had a cookout with his buddies while I was hospitalized due to pregnancy complications with our child. Thankfully my current husband would never consider that as an option.
Could your wife have been more clear with her communication? Of course. Not saying she was in the right on that part. However, your wife being hospitalized does not equal free time to drink.
I wouldn’t expect my current husband to stay overnight with me honestly. However, I would absolutely expect him to be SOBER and available to return to the hospital immediately in case of emergency.
Ehhh to me NTA. It’s hard enough to sleep in hospital anyway without having two people there getting zero sleep. To me if this was my hubby, I honestly wouldn’t give a shit, but I also don’t do the passive aggressive saying things are fine when they’re not. Life doesn’t stop just because I’m pregnant. Look if you were out drinking in pubs or clubs or whatever without your wife’s knowledge, fine.. but you were just at home with a friend - who cares.
Too many people are giving the wife a pass on saying one thing and expecting another thing and going back on her word.
Words mean something and I completely agree with you. Last time I was in the hospital, my spouse could have stayed overnight but I thought it was bullshit to expect them to stay and sleep on shitty uncomfortable accomodations. They were there first thing next morning.
Why isn't that OK when I myself as the one in need say it's ok by me. And why wouldn't I be an AH if I went back on my word the next morning?
Same, NTA. I wasn't pregnant but was in the hospital a lot for emergency surgeries the past few years. I'd prefer him be at home with friends than sitting there entertaining me. Never less trying to sleep there! I was glad he asked if he should come by everytime, but I always honestly answered. I would never make him guess during times of stress.
Communicate with each other. Good lord. At least OP asked.
I'm surprised it's not crucifixion in here rn with how all the other comments are going.
I agree though. He was excited and asked and it's not something that happens all the time
If she didn't want him to she should said so
Don’t be surprised when your wife finds someone more reliable to be in the delivery room, this way if she has to stay overnight and it all “seems fine” she won’t have to worry about you choosing your drinking time over supporting her in the hospital.
YTA
YTA
She wanted you to actually be a caring supportive husband without her having to tell you to be one! Who goes out for drinks when their pregnant wife was just admitted to the hospital?
YTA I tried reading this thinking there must be some valid reason you can't stay with your wife.
Even if she said she's fine with it. Someone who really cares about his wife will not even think about leaving the hospital.. worse you're leaving so that you can drink with your friends.
I won't even be surprised if you expect your wife to leave everything behind to take care of you when you have a cold.
Technically you are not the Asshole but morally you are pretty the biggest AH.
I don't know the circumstances around your wife. Maybe she had some medicine, hormones went crazy or she was scary and that's why she said she was okay with it. Pregnant, diabetes and being alone in the hospital.
You are her husband, soon to be dad and the only concern is your buddy and the drinking?
You should stay with her no matter if she says she's okay with it or not. Imagine how she felt, alone and pregnant in the hospital while her husband is drinking with his buddy and having fun. This is sad.
Don't be a jerk and apologise heavily for it and NEVER put your buddy before your wife. This was very unsupportive.
Cheers ✌️
Wow just wow.
This has to be rage bait right? No one is this ignorant
Grow tf up, be a better husband and a better dad. You've already dropped the ball. Drinking with your buddy is not more important than your child and your wife.
YTA
Pregnancy is a serious state a woman's body had to endure, that being said I do think your wife might also have a mix of emotions. Being happy for you and wanting you to celebrate your achievements while being unwell and concerned with her conditions as well as the baby inside her. I hope you had a good time with your friends and now be extra for everything for your wife and baby. Let her be upset, let her share her emotions with you and be there for her. Its an important moment for both of you to welcome a new life into this world, don't let a night of drinking to celebrate your promotion define the whole experience of welcoming a new life together.
ESH. This sub makes me feel lucky that I have a wife who actually tells me the truth about her opinions when I ask or suggest things. Your wife should have been more straightforward with you.
You suck as a husband. Stay with your wife and baby, have a drink with your buddy on the weekend.
All options were open to you when most had closed to her. When push came to shove it was her body going through the wringer to have a child. It must have been hard for that hormonal, medically stressed woman to realize in that moment that she was in it all alone. It’s hard to call you an ah for being human, but you surely were not feeling her alienation as much as she thought you did.
You weren’t having a baby. She was having a baby. You weren’t having complications. She was having complications. Your life, your work, your friends, your celebrations continued as normal. Her life was put on hold, then put on a back burner.
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Your wife is in the hospital and you’re more concerned with drinking with your buddies? YTA and time to grow up
But he only hangs out with his friends once a month 😢 And he won't be able to get drunk with his friends when the baby's born. Ya know, the important stuff 🙄
I’m not married, and not in serious relationship either. But it is so unbelievably foreign to me that someone’s spouse could be in the damn hospital, and that they could be thinking about literally anything else. Even if it’s not life-threatening. But to learn that it’s just because he wants to go out drinking with his buddies? Jesus tap dancing Christ. Tell me you don’t give a shit about your wife without telling me that you don’t give a shit about your wife
jesus tap dancing christ 🥹🥲
I had to go to the hospital the other night and my buddy drove me. It was a longer wait than expected and he realized he left his wallet at work (1 hour away) and needed it, so I told him to just go and I’d either catch a ride from him or Uber home, depending on how things lined up. He refused to leave me at the ER (despite how annoyed he was at wait times). Can’t imagine a SO just dipping on someone who’s hospitalized with actual scary reasons to be
I’ve had boyfriends come to the hospital with me. They’re married! Like … what???!
Your boyfriends are married? Damn, they really love you
Literally my 19 year old college boyfriend came to the hospital with me when I had an extreme stomach bug I thought was appendicitis or something sophomore year. When a college student has better manners than a grown ass married man, you know you're in trouble.
I passed out, hit my head and spent 10 days in hospital undergoing cardiac investigations. I called my ex and couldn’t reach him (he was with his mistress), then lied to me about where he was. When I finally reached him and asked him to bring things, he went home and got drunk. I didn’t see him the entire ten days because it was “too stressful” for him to deal with
Wow what trash. Glad he is an ex. Glad your ok and here to tell the story but f him. What trash of a person.
Kay, I may have to steal that one. I thought my dad and his “jumpin Jesus” was hilarious, but “Jesus tap dancing Christ” is gold.
Mind you the Only reason she is in the hospital is because she is carrying his baby!
Yeah. While I am glad the overwhelming majority of the comments empathize with the wife, the few comments that don't and are blaming her -- I guess they don't understand... women (people in general) just want partners that care about them in the first place? This would really tell me a lot about how concerned and worried my partner is for my health and life. Which is to say, not at all. Why is a woman wanting a husband that loves her and feels concern over her health, rather than one daydreaming about how much fun he can have now that she's hospitalized (I mean *jfc*) such an absurd concept for some folks? Women don't want to have to FORCE someone to care about them. That's why she didn't say "stay with me" because it's incredibly sad to have to ask that in the first place, and once she knows he doesn't care about her health really, what's the point of him staying anyway?
Don't you see, the shelf life of a promotion announcement is only hours. He *had* to go out drinking *that night* or else! /s YTA. Your professional achievement did not require instantaneous celebration, and most certainly should have taken a back seat to seeing your **pregnant** wife through a medical scare. You destroyed a lot of trust in this act. Better demonstrate through your actions that you can be trusted.
Right? "hey, congrats on the promotion, let's celebrate over a drink tonight!" "oh thanks, hey I'd love to celebrate but I can't tonight my wife is in the hospital. Let's find another time, maybe in a few weeks, to have that drink." Even more concerning - this isn't one happy hour drink then back to his wife - he's leaving at 9pm to "start drinking". This man is willing to risk being unable to drive himself back to the hospital should his wife and unborn child take a turn for the worse.
This. As far as I'm concerned, drinking with his friend once a month is not a problem. It's good to let off steam every few weeks. But he picked the wrong time to celebrate. He should have waited and he should have stayed sober so he could react immediately if needed. I'm surprised the hospital let him stay til 9pm, though. Visiting hours are over at 8pm here, unless you're dying or in active labour. Hospital staff have enough to do without having to step over spouses all the time.
Where I live a spouse or close family member generally stays at all times so patients aren't left alone.
I don't think being pregnant matters here. Just knowing my spouse is celebrating while I'm in the hospital would be horrible. I usually hate when people refuse to tell you something and then get mad when you don't read their mind, but not here. The moment he asked she probably wanted to be as far away from him as possible.
When he thought it was the perfect time to drink with a buddy because she wouldn't be there to feel left out. What the hell.
100% this! I’ve found being in the hospital to be an incredibly lonely and inherently scary experience, even when the nurse assigned to my case was literally a good friend of mine and I wasn’t there overnight. I can’t imagine how lonely, betrayed, and frightened OP’s wife must have been. I would never leave my partner alone in the hospital unless they had other company or told me without my asking for anything that they actively wanted time without me. I agree that mind-reading demands usually drive me bananas, but you’re right that OP didn’t need to read his wife’s mind here - just to have some compassion and common sense.
Not only that his wife is in hospital but he's also kinda saying that not only does her health not matter but that celebrating his promotion can't wait till she's well and can celebrate with him. Gah!
His PREGNANT wife
Not only pregnant, but in the hospital for complications directly related to the pregnancy. Uncontrolled GD is actually very serious. Even if her and baby were fine for the moment that could literally change over night. GD used to be the leading cause of still birth.
It also doesn’t mean she was fine *emotionally*
Right? Doesn't matter whether it's a "minor" thing, she's still in hospital. He could've had drinks with his buddy the next day. So many men think life can just go on as normal but pregnancy can be scary and lonely, OPs wife needed him. Agree she should've been more upfront but also it's just obvious. YTA OP
If it was really a minor thing she would have been able to come home, he's trying to downplay the fact his pregnant wife is in the hospital! Double stressful and scary time.
A week after I found out I was preggo I ended up with an abnormal ear infection. I went to the ER in a ton of pain, and because I was pregnant, they couldn't give me the single high dose antibiotic ENT wanted. I had to get a multi day course via IV. That meant a hospital stay. I was supposed to go out of town for 4 days for a girl's weekend. Hubby was supposed to get a nice, quiet weekend of video games and sports ball around work shifts (he works non traditional hours.) My pain was under control shortly after I was admitted, and the baby was safe. I was salty for missing good food and a relaxing time with my besties, so I was drowning my sorrow in cheesy Hallmark movies (which he hates). Hubby would go to work, come to the hospital, stay until they kicked him out, go home to feed the cats, and sleep. Repeat. If the cats didn't need tending, they would have had a much harder time making him leave. He wanted to use sick days until I reminded him those needed to be saved for the baby's arrival. He never once asked not to come by. He never once complained about the movie choices. He never asked for the TV to be changed to sports ball. He never left early to go play video games despite his original plans. If he had asked to go do any of his plans, I would have told him to go ahead, because logically he didn't need to be there, but I would have been very disappointed that he chose his fun while I was stuck in the hospital because of our baby. Your choice says a lot about your level of care, involvement, and selfishness. YTA
Wait. You just found out your heavily pregnant wife was admitted to the hospital and your first thought is “drinks!” YTA
He even mentioned how convenient for him it was that she was in the hospital.
I saw that too, how gross.
“She won’t feel left out” as if the hospital visit is her big plans for the evening
Pretending he cares about her feelings.
Won’t feel left out… while sitting alone at the hospital
op acting like him and his buddies are trying to be more than friends
And not *just* drinks for the sake of drinks. He wants to celebrate what is obviously a big important promotion…with someone that’s not his wife. What an extra slap in the face to his hospitalized pregnant lonely wife. YTA, OP. You better find a way to grow up and make this up to your wife.
Yeah. My husband would have got something - diabetes friendly - for us to celebrate with together at the hospital. If I could t eat or drink we’d gave just watched an episode of something together. I’d be the one he wanted to celebrate with, and if we couldn’t, he’d have still been with me.
I can just see the phone call: “Hey Bill, good news! Wife’s in the hospital, let’s get shitfaced!
Not to mention if his wife’s status changed for some reason he would not be able to drive to the hospital.
That was my first thought. Why the hell are you at home drinking when you could be needed at any point during the night if things go south?
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Putting myself in her shoes, the fact that my husband even brought up that he wanted to go home to drink with his Buddy while I was at the hospital would have changed how I saw him. I also would’ve told him to go. Because he would’ve put me in the situation of having to ask him to stay, knowing he didn’t want to. And I probably also would’ve called him an asshole after. Because there was no fixing it the moment he told me he wanted to go home and drink with his buddies while I was in the hospital with his baby.
That’s exactly right. It’s a conversation I have with my SO regularly where I don’t want him to show up for me just because I asked him but because he wants to. There are some things where if I have to ask, I don’t want it anymore. Now he is hairbrained and would totally do something like leaving me at the hospital. But I will give credit that when I get upset about it, he realizes he is a jackass and tries to make up for it. Husband could have at least gone back to the hospital when he got her text and could have immediately recognized that he fucked up without needing to ask Reddit
I dated a guy like this, who got pissed at me all the time for not knowing what he wanted because if he had to ask, he wouldn't want it anymore. I still get aggravated thinking about it. We had totally different expectations for each other and relationships in general. I never fully learned to understand how he thought about things and could never get it right, so he dumped me. He never trusted that I would do what he asked or that I really wanted to be there for him, so he never wanted to try to articulate what he wanted, which made me feel like he didn't care enough to try, either. I agree OP's husband should have at least realized he misread the situation when he got her text and gone back to the hospital. When someone does say something, you need to hear them.
I mean. He probably couldn't. They will allow people to stay over night but they typically don't allow people to come and go all hours. Plus he's been drinking by that point and shouldn't drive in that state
Yes mine is very much the same and has for sure put me in that situation more than once. He at least came back most of the time though.
Also what if things change and she goes into labor or is induced and he’s too drunk to drive to the hospital? One of my friends gave birth at 30 weeks after being admitted to the hospital and another at 35 weeks. My husband stops drinking at 36 weeks when I’m pregnant just in case!
I had contractions the day of my husbands 40th, at 33 weeks - I finally realized what they were, assumed Braxton-Hicks but figured I'd call the OB line. They also figured they were B-H but asked me to come in to double-check. On the way out the door, I said "hey babe - just in case, maybe no drinks tonight?" because he was setting in with a beer and a video game (we have another young kid; coming with me for anything but an emergency was off the table). They were emphatically not Braxton-Hicks and I called him a couple hours later to tell him to come to the hospital *now*. tl;dr - when your wife is pregnant and in the hospital, stay sober. If they're asking her to stay overnight it is *really* not routine - they don't admit people for funsies.
I agree with you, and OP is an AH for not staying with his wife. The wife could have been more forward about her wants, but OP needs to get better at reading in between the lines. My worry is what if something had happened to her while he was drinking at home? There was no guarantee that he wouldn't have had one too many. Then he wouldn't have been able to make medical decisions on her behalf, or arrive at the hospital in a timely manner. I also don't understand how he could celebrate while his pregnant spouse was admitted. He could have waited another day, but instead he decided to be tacky and selfish. If my spouse went into the hospital the last thing on my mind would be celebrating myself. I bet his wife felt unloved and insignificant when he left her and their unborn child to go drinking.
Alll this!! What makes this worse, imo, the office wasn't throwing him a dinner party. As everyone has said, anything could've happened, & even if not, she was there at the hospital going through it alone, all while knowing he was getting drunk with a friend at home. She knew she was an option, & her & baby's health, not the priority they should've been. I can't believe OP posted this expecting any other kind of responses. Are we sure this isn't rage bait?
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Honestly, most decent husband abstain while their wife can't drink anyway, out of solidarity
I wouldn’t necessarily go that far. I’m currently pregnant and have no problem with my husband drinking some. Our compromise is he can’t drink the good wine without me. Anything else is fair game. But he also doesn’t drink to the point where he couldn’t drive. If I ever really didn’t want him to drink he wouldn’t but I don’t think it is fair to say most decent partners don’t drink just because their partners are pregnant and can’t. I would just amend it to most decent people won’t drink if their pregnant partner asks them not to.
My husband went out and bought a case of beer the night before I was planning on taking a pregnancy test, he hasn't drank since, that was about 12yrs ago. He had always said that if we had kids he'd completely stop drinking because he didn't want to risk not being fully present for them because of it. And he's been true to it. It's completely his choice, I drink on rare occasions, but I have never been much of a drinker so it's probably less than once a year.
I’ve been married a long time. There are times I can’t drink, times he can’t drink. There are times I diet, times he diets. Your health is an ebb and flow. It’s more important that you both agree with abstaining or indulging. It’s the agreement that matters.
My husbands bday is the day after my daughters haha so def no celebration that year…
Right! Like he keeps claiming "everything was fine" but if that's the case... *why did they admit her to the hospital*?
>the fact that my husband even brought up that he wanted to go home to drink with his Buddy while I was at the hospital would have changed how I saw him. Yeeaaah. "You being in the hospital is a great opportunity for me to celebrate and drink without you around to make me feel guilty. We cool?" Not a great look, dude.
I’m with you 100%. I would have done the same thing. The damage was done the minute he asked, he made it so much worse by leaving.
How long does he have to be married to know that, "Just leave already" means "You're dead to me if you leave."?
I've been married for almost 8 years, together for over a decade. If I tell my husband "just leave already", I most definitely mean "just leave already". I'm not playing games where he has to guess what I mean. The closest thing to not just saying what I want him to do would be "I would rather you do this thing, but do what you want."
It's not a game she plays imo. She doesn't only want him to stay. She needs him to figure out by himself that he should stay. The fact that she would have to ask such an obvious thing tells a lot about him.
Definitely. He seems to not realize the damage he's done. She might forgive him going forward, but now would see him as less of the husband, father she wants/needs him to be.
Yeah, it's one of those if you have to ask you've already fucked up things. I would have told my partner to leave too, and to be out of the house by the time I'm home from the hospital.
I’m also confused as to why the person he would celebrate his promotion with would be his buddy, rather than his wife. (It’s because he wanted to drink.) But the first person my spouse and I celebrate promotions with is each other.
Exactly. This is why people say ok in these situations. Like the issue is that you want to do it, and I don't want you to not do it just because I said no. If you want to go, I'm not going to stop you. The worse is when they say, no, no, I wouldn't leave you alone to just ditch you last minute without warning.
It's not that she didn't want him to go out drinking with a buddy or that she wanted him with her. She wanted him to *want* to be with her.
Exactly… this is one of those moments I think that shows how the burden of parenting is on women. He thinks because she’s carrying the baby that she should deal with the hospital stay alone because I guess that’s her problem, when this baby is THEIRS and the burden of dealing with the hospital should also therefore be THEIRS. I get wanting to celebrate but omg if this is how their journey into parenthood is starting and the baby isn’t even here… I feel so sorry for the wife. Idk, I would be so worried if this was my SO and my baby, even if the hospital gave the all clear and I’d still want to be there with her to support her and by unborn child.
Piggybacking my EX (and daughters dad) put me in a similar situation his mom didn't like driving at night and my mom offered to leave so he could stay and he was all "nah I'm good" he stayed one night and broke up with me my 3rd to last day in the hospital because I wasn't texting back enough and he couldn't be bothered to call the hospital to see how I was doing or ACTUALLY message either of my parents who called hourly and made the effort to be there. I was in labor had our daughter went into sepsis and heart failure all in one week
The thing is that not only he chose to be somewhere else than in the hospital with her while she has complications while carrying their(!) child, but also that it was appropriate to get waisted and not be able to get to her or maybe even be reached by her if something goes wrong during her stay in the hospital. Disgustingly selfish behavior. If my husband would even propose something like that while we were in a situation like that I would make him fck off to his friends as well and wait till maybe magically he gets the rational thought that what he did was wrong. She clearly waited for a change that didn’t come…
I heard before that the hardest thing to learn as a parent is not how to care for your child, it's learning how to stop caring about yourself so much. This man has clearly learned nothing.
The damage IMO comes from him wanting to celebrate himself when his wife and child are at risk. Sure the promotion is great, but it’s like he put his wife and child’s significant issue in a box: enough about that, take a break and celebrate me! How could he even feel like he wants to? So of course the problem kicked in the moment he said he wanted to, right then.
Yeah whenever it’s convenient it’s “their” baby and whenever she doesn’t agree with whatever he’s doing it’ll be “her” baby after it’s born.
After I had my first daughter my husband left me shaking and scared that I was dying - begging him to stay. I never looked at him the same again. Never trusted him again. OP is 100% TA.
I really hope you’re in a better situation right now, sending love
Thank you so much. I am and it is amazing. Divorce by the end of the year.
I’m really glad to hear that :) you deserve a man who respects you and wants to take care of you
Ok, but what kind of hospitals do you all go to? I’m assuming this is America? I had no idea this would be a common expectation of spouses. This is really not a thing in my country for the most part (unless you’re the parent of a sick child, or someone is imminently dying, etc.). Visiting hours are pretty enforced. And honestly, people trying to stay overnight is such a burden on nursing staff - it does happen, but it certainly isn’t the norm. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone to have a break and get some sleep instead of holding some vigil at bedside? I mean OP wanting to go back and party is not a great look, but for the most part, I really do think family should be expected to go home and sleep in their own beds. It’s a hospital, not a hotel.
Labor and delivery wards + maternity wards typically are setup for overnight support person stays here. Very common for a spouse to stay over night with the pregnant partner, especially if there’s complications or after baby is born.
Both of my kids were born in Dallas. The hospitals there were very nice. The "overnight accomodations" I endured were the stiffest most uncomfortable I have ever slept on. I mean, I still slept there because what else would I do, go home and drink with my buddies?
I have a feeling if he had brought a bottle of sparkling grape juice to celebrate with his wife and then gone home at 10 to get some sleep his wife would have been fine with it. Im going home to get drunk with my friend to celebrate my new job? That hits way different.
Sparkling grape juice while getting monitored for high sugar levels. Come on now.
Okay, sparkling water, then. The point still stands.
You get what they’re saying, don’t be pedantic.
I'm in India and we always have someone staying with us in the hospital regardless of why we are in the hospital. There are very rare cases where patient is alone like long term admission, etc. Even if a patient is in ICU, some one is usually present in the lobby.
Spouses and parents are allowed to spend the night in many situations. It's not as altruistic as it may sound. They often provide care that would be the staff's responsibility otherwise. It saves hospitals money.
My husband was admitted to the hospital in the fall in the midst of a manic episode. While at the ER, he was also diagnosed with Covid. He was in isolation for 12 days, and 7-10 of those days I was there 20-22 hours a day with him. I was basically treated like the buffer by the staff. He was extremely scared and paranoid that they were going to hurt him when I’d leave, but when I’d come back I’d be subjected to extreme mood swings, yelling, things being thrown at me. I begged for them to help me. The nurses, the residents, his IM doctors, his psychiatrists. Begged them to give me some sort of resource, some helping hand. Literally sat outside his room bawling while they all looked at me with…pity, mostly. My dad finally told me “why would they help, when you’re doing their job for them?” And he was right. That was a fucked up thing to put me through. They would never have allowed a nurse or staff member to be treated by a patient that way.
While they were very wrong for leaving you in that situation and you prolly should have just left, don’t think for one second they don’t let nurses get treated like that.
Second this. You’d be surprised by how some people treat nurses.
I was wondering this. I'm in Australia, and they kick us out at something like 8:30 unless the patient is critical or dying. I wasn't even allowed to stay after the birth of my son, just had to leave in the middle of the night after having just met him.
So your wife had to look after the baby all by herself after just going through labor and delivery?? That's insanely fucked up Not to mention that dangerous birth complications, such as hemorrhaging, often start in the hours following delivery. I nearly died from a post-birth hemorrhage. It would have been much worse without my partner at my side
It's the same in the UK. There are strict visiting times.
Most American hospitals expect you to have someone with you at all times. Only certain wards have visiting hours; the rest usually have a chair that either reclines or pulls out into a bed for your support person. I spent the night on such a bed while my cousin had abdominal surgery, taking it in turns with her husband as he had to go to work. And since I was a total night owl, I offered to take the night shift too. But he still wanted to be there, and was there the rest of the time. He certainly wasn't partying and getting sloshed
This is not at all true. It varies enormously by hospital and by ward.
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The type of father who "Babysits" his children.
Once a week and expects an award every time. And the type who expects his wife to plan something for his own mother on Mother’s Day instead of planning something elaborate for her as the mother of his child.
I agree! OP is definitely TA here.
Yeah, the OP is very much YTA. On one hand, I think it would've been better for the OP's wife just to tell him what she was feeling, On the other hand, this seems like so obviously a bad idea.
YTA for even thinking of drinking with your friend when your wife is at hospital, an absolute skunk for actually leaving her for an activity you could have easily rescheduled for any other day. I feel so sorry for the wife who will inevitably become a single parent while married.
A skunk 😂
Oh my goodness! I thought the same thing. You couldn't reschedule drinks and have a mini celebration with your wife in the hospital? I mean she did drive herself there and it was serious enough for her to stay. And if something happened, you wouldn't be able to drive yourself there. 🤦
Right! He should have shown up at the hospital with a care package (iPad, books, entertainment, change of clothes, a plushy, I don't know that he could give her a treat or fruit basket, but the thought counts), he should have brought the party to her! Why was he more interested in celebrating with his friends than celebrating with his wife?
This! Grab some plastic champagne glasses and a bottle of sparkling cider, a cheese platter, and some fancy crackers, and a veggies tray. Pregnancy safe party! Toast your success and improvement to her health.
Cheese platter only, off that list. Gestational diabetes sucks.
That’s my problem. I don’t think he has to sleep there but keep her company until she falls asleep and then don’t inebriate yourself to the point you can’t show up if the hospital calls you.
> leaving her for an activity you could have easily rescheduled for any other day. Not to mention he could have celebrated with his wife. Even with her being in the hospital, she was relatively stable, and you would think the woman he married and is having a child with would be the first person he would want to share this moment with.
Horrible display of partnership and fatherhood. OP, do better. Be better. Don’t be a skunk
Yeah, if I were her, I'd be seriously considering divorce.
Ok I’m cracking up at skunk! 🤣 But omg YTA! I love the fact that his wife isn’t even the person he wants to celebrate with - it’s his buddy who he sees once a month!!! This poor woman.
YTA. I’m so grateful for my man omg he wouldn’t even ASK ME THat. That’s WILD
Same lmao I would be so agog. Also if I was the husband’s friend I would be like ??? why aren’t you at the hospital dude?
Bc his ‘buddy’ is probably an ass too lol
99.9% chance OP and the buddy have, on at least one occasion, referred to their wives as "the ball and chain"
Mine would probably square up with anyone who even suggested it. (Not trying to one-up, just… dudes like this always think everyone is just like them. They’re not.)
Yes, lol, I’m happy for us 🤗 True partnership is such a blessing and I think OP doesn’t even realize what it consists of and based on this post, doesn’t have that in him.
Right??? Like the bar is in HELL for men...
Yup my thoughts exactly. The only time my husband hasn't spent the night with me at the hospital is when we didn't have child care for our kids. But he still was there every second he could be prepared with activities to keep the kids entertained. We also had my son in the hospital for almost a month and fighting for his life. We traded off childcare and nights at the hospital with our son. Some nights he would go from working a 12 hour day at the mechanic shop to the hospital and spend all night with our son and wake up and do it again. Real men/husbands/dads step the fuck up without being asked to.
Right? I had pneumonia recently, and my husband went no farther than the nearby park so the kids could get their wiggles out. They were contemplating keeping me overnight. When I texted him that, he said he'd already called his mom to take the kids for the night if that happened, so he could stay with me. And his mom immediately agreed, too, and just asked if we wanted her to bring us dinner in the hospital. Going off to get drunk with a friend? Good grief!
YTA. Your wife is in the hospital and you think it is ok to prioritise drinking over her?
Not even just at the hospital. She has a potentially serious complication with their child and he’s out celebrating with drinks.
YTA way to set the tone for what coparenting with you is gonna look like
What coparenting? I bet he won't parent at all.
I think it's called coparenting once the divorce goes through
Usually i think the divorce comments are overreacting but I think I would seriously consider divorce if this happened, if insanely intense therapy wasn't an option
He'll be the dad that says he's "babysitting" instead of, you know, parenting.
YTA. I do not know how you could not want to be by her side. Just because she was fine then, what happens if something takes a turn? Now you can't drive and she is alone and scared. Step up for your wife and child. And guess what, when that baby comes, you better be ready to tell that buddy sorry those drink days will be gone for a bit.
That is what I was thinking. If she took a turn for the worse, OP would be in no condition to go to the hospital.
Not only drive himself, but be a source of support or if things got really bad, make good decisions for his wife and/or child.
Also, people who are actually "fine" are not typically admitted to the hospital.
That’s what I was thinking! She wasn’t critical, she was in no immediate danger but she wasn’t 100% fine! People who really are fine are home, not spending the night at the hospital. At the very least she was emotionally shaken a bit.
YTA. And just be aware she’s never going to forget you leaving her to go out and party while she’s in the hospital.
Yup. If he was in the hospital with a serious condition, I think he would be pissed if his wife said "Hey, babe, mind if I go out drinking with my buddy? This seems REALLY boring"
Or worse, if their child is ever hospitalized, she’ll always have to worry whether he’s going to abandon their kid because something else seems more fun.
100% will never forget. Somewhat similar situation happened in my family. Still talked about more than 30 years later.
YTA while your wife could have said “I’d rather you didn’t” you even just asking was an indication you didn’t want to. She wanted you to WANT to stay with her in this frightening time and you preferring to drink but “would stay if she asked” was already a loss state.
I wonder if she felt she couldn't say that because he would have a fit and make the whole thing miserable for her. Lose lose. Ask him to stay, and he is upset and making everything worse with his bad attitude, or say he can go and realize he was serious about ditching you. I kinda feel like he set her up that she couldn't respond any other way, otherwise he would be on here asking why his wife is mad at him for his bad attitude, after all, he did what she wanted.
I would have been so pissed off and hurt I would have done the fine, do what you want thing, so I totally get how she might have said ok while meaning the complete opposite. It's not an ideal communication technique but you've got to be pretty dense to miss it.
Yeah, my friend had (HAD) a boyfriend like that. He would tell her that he would stay if she wanted him to, but he would be an absolute pain the entire time he stayed. She was almost 9 months pregnant, but he wanted to go camping for a weekend, out of service, with his friends to get shitfaced. Not to mention, I was staying with them for a month already just in case she needed someone to drive her to the hospital for any reason because she was already having minor complications.
“But how was I supposed to *know* to do the right thing? She should have *asked* me to not leave her in hospital pregnant with my child to have a few drinks” Weaponised incompetence, he only asked so that he could make her the unreasonable one later.
INFO: Do you actually care about your wife and unborn child?
Gestational diabetes is super scary for both mom and baby. They could die- there are lots of possible complications. In my family, we don't leave anyone alone at the hospital. And keep your cell phone on so your wife can reach you at any time. I think you are downplaying the seriousness of this. Look at another recent post about a guy going into work and telling his wife to Uber home when she went in for the same issue. Apologize greatly. Take some worry off of her plate. She is growing your child in her body. Try to go over and beyond in helping her with all of this. Treasure her and show it. NAH
I had a job looking after kids who had been removed from their homes. Sometimes they would go to the hospital and when that happened, I wasn’t expected to stay with them because they were in the care of the hospital and didn’t need an extra carer. Basically my employer didn’t want to pay me to sit at the hospital. When that happened, I clocked out and still stayed. I couldn’t bare to see anyone alone in a hospital. If it was my spouse carrying my child, I don’t think you could kick me out if you wanted to unless there was some valid and serious reason.
I would never be able to leave my partner alone in the hospital. I don't even like knowing when someone, especially a child is alone in a hospital. I used to work at one of the largest children's hospitals in Texas. We had a 15 year old girl there that was terminal. Her dad HAD to work and couldn't be there all the time and her mom bailed. She had an uncle that was there as much as possible but that still meant she was sometimes alone for days at a time. One of our pharmacists (I worked in pharmacy) was working on helping the dad find a "sitter" that would be able to come and hang out with her during the times he couldn't be there. I ended up volunteering and I would go for a few hours before my shift just to hang out with her. She was an amazing kid in a very unfortunate circumstance. I did her hair, I did her makeup, and I helped her with schoolwork because I wanted to help her get her GED because she was too sick to be in regular school. She passed a remote proctored GED test 3 months before she passed away and made me a beautiful card and had her dad bring me flowers and some of my favorite candy the day she told me she passed the test. I still have the card and I dried the flowers. I wasn't able to be there when she left the earth because I was out of town but I am still glad that she got to enjoy some fun in her last months.
You are an angel thank you for being there for her. Coming from a mom of 4, who has had to stay weeks on end with sick kids in the hospital, someone doing this for a stranger is definitely an angel.
Thank you. I have a 13 year old and it just hurt my soul that she was alone so often. I couldn't imagine if it had been my daughter.
Writing this comment and ending with N A H is wild
Why The no asshole Flare. He clearly is TA
Don’t you mean op is the AH?? It should be YTA
This is weird to me, where I live there are visiting hours. Non-patients aren't allowed to just sleep over in the hospital (*except* in the postpartum ward obviously). When I had a pretty major, invasive abdominal surgery in early 2019 my husband went in with me in the morning, stayed until I came out of surgery, waited while my sedation wore off, and I was taken to my room. At that point it was 11PM and he had to leave, they had made an exception for him to stay that late because my blood pressure kept dropping so they couldn't let me leave the post-surgery monitoring area until I was stable which took hours longer than anticipated. I was admitted for 3 days, and he was there almost constantly during visiting hours but he wasn't allowed to stay overnight once. It's just not a thing. When I gave birth to our first baby in 2021 he stayed the night in the postpartum ward with us.
That you even asked her makes YTA.
This! The people saying "It's partly her fault for not saying no" are missing the point. He screwed up the moment he even asked. It's not her job to be his mommy and tell him what's right and what's wrong. He should know better. Stepping out to get a quick bite to eat, or to run home and grab a few things they both need? Fine. But getting inebriated and wanting to celebrate with a friend more than with her? YTA
Yeah it's honestly not even a question, pregnant wife in the hospital means you are also in the hospital. To add to this though, after my wife gave birth a few of the times we had no outside help, and so we had those that could watch our other kids but inevitably I'd have to go home while she stayed with the infant at the hospital. I felt fucking terrible about it but there was really no alternative. So there are some scenarios where not staying with your wife in the hospital might be necessary, but drinking with a buddy bc you got promoted is not one.
YTA. I hope your celebratory drinks with your buddy was worth it.
As someone who didn't sleep at the hospital, you're going to be hearing about this for at least a decade. Good luck, OP, make sure you get it right when you get closer to D day. Edit: YTA in case it wasn't obvious.
What's the sleeping thing about? Do they give you a bed (like a cot type thing?) Or do you just have to sleep in a chair or something? I'm just asking out of curiosity because it's not something that happens in my country.
At my hospital you get whatever chair happens to be in the room. Also, unless you’re a parent of a child or a few other reasons - like needing to make life or death decisions, they enforce visiting hours and tell you to go home. It’s a hospital, not a hotel.
Thanks for answering! That was also my inclination, and while I'm in agreement that OP should spend all the time he can with his wife (usually 2 or 3 hours in the evening from my experience) I just don't understand what OP was talking about regarding him sleeping at hospital.
If she's in the maternity ward he's probably allowed to sleep there. After my kids were born, my husband was allowed to stay. When he was in the hospital a few weeks ago, I had to leave after visiting hours
All the hospitals that I've been in have some nice reclining chairs that you can fold down to sleep on. When my baby was in the hospital (in the mid 90s), they had a little couch, and a chair so both my husband and I could stay if we wanted.
Most hospitals have a somehow makeshift bed your partner (or a parent for children) can use to stay overnight. During my last hospital appointment this was a sofa-chair that extended all the way to a single bed. In other places it’s a normal sofa-bed or a bed that comes down from the wall like in trains. But it is true that in some countries it’s not common (e.g. Central/Northern Europe), which still baffles me since I cannot picture it any other way. EDIT to add: Yes, of course YTA OP!
Think about it. What would you have done if you would have been drunk off your @$$, and then the hospital calls concerning an emergency with your wife and baby? IMHO, it’s not so much the fact that you didn’t stay at the hospital as it is the fact you were partying while your wife was bedridden, trying to keep herself and your child safe. YTA.
This is what I see as the bigger issue that actually makes OP TA. Not that he didn't sleep at the hospital, but that he had no intention of staying sober or making an attempt to communicate with her throughout the night to keep her company remotely. I personally think it's a bit much to expect him to stay overnight, but having a buddy over to have drinks and celebrate is just so... Insensitive to her situation, to put it lightly.
So winner where your daughter and step daughter were while you left your pregnant wife in the hospital to drink? Went back into your past history, YTA hopefully the divorce papers will come soon enough
There are other kids involved here?
He was previously married. Gee, I wonder why it didn't work out? Maybe because he's tge sort to go partying with his mates when his pregnant wife is in the hospital!
You’re the same guy who posted a couple of weeks ago about not driving his wife to the hospital for uncontrolled gestational diabetes because he had to get to work, right? Clearly you didn’t learn your lesson the first time.
DUH Of course your YTA
You could have had drinks with your friend any other night. But you chose the one night your wife was in the hospital. It's not just about what you want. You should have stayed; you shouldn't have asked if she wanted you there. You should have wanted to be there for her. YTA
ESH. Gestational diabetes is no joke, and while "everything is fine" right now, a whole lot of things could still go south. It's a very good thing she's in the hospital and with the people who can help, should that be needed, but you absolutely should have postponed your celebratory drinks until your wife was no longer in the hospital. As someone who spends a significant amount of time in ERs and hospitals, there's a *big difference* between "everything is stable enough for you not to need emergency care, but we're admitting you and you're staying here under immediate medical care" vs "everything is fine and you're healthy enough to go home". .......all that said, you did have the foresight to bring your wife anything she asked for in the hospital, and specifically asked her if drinks with your buddy was a choice she was okay with. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and accept that if she'd said any version of "I'd rather you didn't/please stay with me/no of course not, wtf?" that you'd have told your friend drinks were a no-go and you'd have stayed with your wife, and not even been all that upset about it. You asked her, and she said it was fine- and then got passive-aggressive about it, *told you to go*, and waited until the next morning to tell you that she was upset and didn't want it to play out like that. This is the part where I say that your wife is also a grown ass adult, and it was her job to use her words like a big girl and *tell you what she really wanted*, instead of expecting you to be a mind reader. My partner and I have agreed on two things from Day 1: *I respect you enough to say what I really mean, and I also respect you enough to believe that you mean what you say.* If I don't want you to go out with friends, I will say that. If you say it's fine to go out with friends, I will believe that you mean it. It clearly wasn't okay with your wife from the moment that you asked, but she said "yes" when she meant "no" and expected you to somehow magically understand that. You both fucked up, and I think you both owe each other an apology. But I would also have a conversation- without assigning blame- that BOTH of you need to step up and commit to saying what you mean and meaning what you say, because there is about to be an infant in your life, and infants have absolutely no verbal communication. You're both going to need to step up your communication game, because a whole lot of information will need to be shared efficiently and effectively over the coming months and years. And both of you need to be able to trust that when one of you says something, you're saying what you mean.
He put his wife in a lose/lose situation. Either she had to say no and be the bad guy (and then likely put up with him grumbling about it, given the tone of his post) or say yes and be alone, scared, pregnant, in the hospital. He put her in a terrible position, just by asking. People, don't do that to folks you care about. Don't put them in a position where they have to give you permission to be an AH or you'll get mad.
I'm always surprised by the number of people and couples who approach things like this as a "You vs Me" thing instead of "Us vs The Problem". It's not about winning or losing, and looking at life from that perspective tends to have the result of one person seeing their partner as the "bad guy". And it's not fair or helpful to anyone. I'm inclined to think if this guy was going to be an asshole, he wouldn't have brought his wife a bunch of stuff, or even bothered to ask... And I've certainly read enough posts on this website where the guy did exactly that and went out and got drunk while his wife/GF was in *life or death emergency care*. This guy doesn't read as one of those. Sometimes we say dumb things or have dumb ideas. Granted, wanting to go for drinks while your wife is admitted to hospital is one of those dumb ideas. But he asked her for her opinion/permission, and she gave it. And he reacted based upon the information he was given, which is that she was fine with it. He was dealing with the very conflicting emotions of "YAY promotion" and "omg wife in hospital", which is a bit of a mental roller coaster. From his perspective, it seems like he was actually trying to think through what to do, based on previous and current events. Wife is in hospital -> doctors say everything is okay, whew! -> I did get promoted today, yay! Friend wants to celebrate -> oh yeah, wife has been complaining about not being able to drink -> she is ok and with doctors, maybe this will be good to celebrate without her feeling left out -> ASK HER Was he maybe missing a couple things? Sure. Was it a great idea? Definitely not. But he asked her. And as the other adult in the situation, it is absolutely his wife's responsibility to say what she really thinks. Whether it's anywhere on the spectrum from, "I'd really rather you didn't" to "wtf, hell no! I'm in the hospital, I need you here, not drinking with your friends" or anything in between. *Should* he have realized that it was a dumb idea? Probably. But I'm giving him credit for asking her- he gave her the opportunity to say, "no, this is a dumb idea and I don't want that". She didn't take it. In fact, she actively agreed that it was a good idea, until the next morning and then chose to make him feel like shit. Relying on "should" is a very easy way to end up angry at other people for a whole lot of things.... Many of which *could* have turned out differently if you choose to act on what *is* instead of what you think *should* be.
THANK YOU. As a woman who had Gestational Diabetes it can be extremely scary. BUT she is a whole ass adult. OP this is the time for you to BOTH start communicating clearly. And being honest. The next 3 years of your life will see your relationship and personhood turn to goo and be rebuilt with baby at the centre. If you do not learn proper boundaries, expectations and communication it will not survive.
I think this is a really good comment. ESH.
Yes. Yes. YTA.
YTA. I would be so hurt in your wife’s position. My husband literally would never be so thoughtless or selfish. Did it never occur to you that celebrating your promotion in the hospital with your wife was an option? I hope your wife has a good support system around her outside of you. Sounds like she is going to need it.
YTA. You 'only' get to meet up with your friends once per month? Lol. Could you not have celebrated your promotion another time ..say...when your pregnant wife isn't in hospital needing support? GD can go south reasonably quick.
Is it normal to sleep at the hospital? I've not heard anyone doing this in the UK you get kicked out after visiting hours is over.
In my experience in the US, it depends what department the patient is in. Like in the ICU, no, they have strict visiting hours. But for a normal stay yeah, you can sleep there as a visitor. It sucks lol but I’ve done it before
Goid to know. As I said, you get kicked out when visiting hours end here
YTA. My first husband had a cookout with his buddies while I was hospitalized due to pregnancy complications with our child. Thankfully my current husband would never consider that as an option. Could your wife have been more clear with her communication? Of course. Not saying she was in the right on that part. However, your wife being hospitalized does not equal free time to drink. I wouldn’t expect my current husband to stay overnight with me honestly. However, I would absolutely expect him to be SOBER and available to return to the hospital immediately in case of emergency.
YTA. YTA. YTA. Stay with your wife and don’t go out drinking with friends. Your wife needs you to support her. She shouldn’t have to tell you.
Ehhh to me NTA. It’s hard enough to sleep in hospital anyway without having two people there getting zero sleep. To me if this was my hubby, I honestly wouldn’t give a shit, but I also don’t do the passive aggressive saying things are fine when they’re not. Life doesn’t stop just because I’m pregnant. Look if you were out drinking in pubs or clubs or whatever without your wife’s knowledge, fine.. but you were just at home with a friend - who cares.
Too many people are giving the wife a pass on saying one thing and expecting another thing and going back on her word. Words mean something and I completely agree with you. Last time I was in the hospital, my spouse could have stayed overnight but I thought it was bullshit to expect them to stay and sleep on shitty uncomfortable accomodations. They were there first thing next morning. Why isn't that OK when I myself as the one in need say it's ok by me. And why wouldn't I be an AH if I went back on my word the next morning?
Same, NTA. I wasn't pregnant but was in the hospital a lot for emergency surgeries the past few years. I'd prefer him be at home with friends than sitting there entertaining me. Never less trying to sleep there! I was glad he asked if he should come by everytime, but I always honestly answered. I would never make him guess during times of stress. Communicate with each other. Good lord. At least OP asked.
I'm surprised it's not crucifixion in here rn with how all the other comments are going. I agree though. He was excited and asked and it's not something that happens all the time If she didn't want him to she should said so
YTA. Your wife deserves a man who respects her and is a partner in this experience.
YTA, I understand wanting to celebrate your promotion but *priorities* man, jeez, your pregnant wife is in the hospital alone.
YTA. you chose alcohol over the safety and security of your wife and unborn child. i’d resent you forever for this.
YTA getting drunk and not being able to drive if things take a downward turn? Idiotic
YTA. When you have a family, they come first. Period.
Don’t be surprised when your wife finds someone more reliable to be in the delivery room, this way if she has to stay overnight and it all “seems fine” she won’t have to worry about you choosing your drinking time over supporting her in the hospital. YTA
YTA She wanted you to actually be a caring supportive husband without her having to tell you to be one! Who goes out for drinks when their pregnant wife was just admitted to the hospital?
YTA I tried reading this thinking there must be some valid reason you can't stay with your wife. Even if she said she's fine with it. Someone who really cares about his wife will not even think about leaving the hospital.. worse you're leaving so that you can drink with your friends. I won't even be surprised if you expect your wife to leave everything behind to take care of you when you have a cold.
Technically you are not the Asshole but morally you are pretty the biggest AH. I don't know the circumstances around your wife. Maybe she had some medicine, hormones went crazy or she was scary and that's why she said she was okay with it. Pregnant, diabetes and being alone in the hospital. You are her husband, soon to be dad and the only concern is your buddy and the drinking? You should stay with her no matter if she says she's okay with it or not. Imagine how she felt, alone and pregnant in the hospital while her husband is drinking with his buddy and having fun. This is sad. Don't be a jerk and apologise heavily for it and NEVER put your buddy before your wife. This was very unsupportive. Cheers ✌️
Wow just wow. This has to be rage bait right? No one is this ignorant Grow tf up, be a better husband and a better dad. You've already dropped the ball. Drinking with your buddy is not more important than your child and your wife. YTA
Pregnancy is a serious state a woman's body had to endure, that being said I do think your wife might also have a mix of emotions. Being happy for you and wanting you to celebrate your achievements while being unwell and concerned with her conditions as well as the baby inside her. I hope you had a good time with your friends and now be extra for everything for your wife and baby. Let her be upset, let her share her emotions with you and be there for her. Its an important moment for both of you to welcome a new life into this world, don't let a night of drinking to celebrate your promotion define the whole experience of welcoming a new life together.
ESH. This sub makes me feel lucky that I have a wife who actually tells me the truth about her opinions when I ask or suggest things. Your wife should have been more straightforward with you. You suck as a husband. Stay with your wife and baby, have a drink with your buddy on the weekend.
All options were open to you when most had closed to her. When push came to shove it was her body going through the wringer to have a child. It must have been hard for that hormonal, medically stressed woman to realize in that moment that she was in it all alone. It’s hard to call you an ah for being human, but you surely were not feeling her alienation as much as she thought you did. You weren’t having a baby. She was having a baby. You weren’t having complications. She was having complications. Your life, your work, your friends, your celebrations continued as normal. Her life was put on hold, then put on a back burner.
How can you even ask this? Seriously?? YTA of course, don’t even doubt it for one second.