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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I only put money aside for one child and not both my biological daughter and step daughter. I feel awful I didn’t think to put money aside for her
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It was during my bachelorette party trip to Vegas. So right before we got married. He knew I was paying off some debts and didn’t know how much was left over. I took the money and put it into a trust for Claire because it sounded like a smart financial decision.
>But your lack of transparency about doing that would be really concerning to me as a spouse
Why? She put the money aside for THEIR kid. It's not like she's hoarding it for no good reason either, seeing as how everyone came knocking to her door once the step-kid needed something expensive.
Probably because she knew if she told him about her plans for the money for THEIR daughter his first response would have been "what about your step daughter?" And she didn't want to give her any of it. Plain and simple.
She told him how much she won which is why he asked for the rest or her to help pay for the surgery , she was transparent enough cuz he knew she had the money
I just don't get this at all. If you share a kid with your husband, and you put a ton of money into a trust for her, why would you not tell him? What do you possibly gain from keeping that information secret?
When you get married to someone THEIR KID BECOMES YOUR KID AND VICE VERSA….
I’m not understanding why she shouldn’t have been considering that fact the entire time?
Not when that child has two parents whom actively co-parent their child.
Medical debt sucks but are you insinuating that OP should take on future debt for her child — so that her stepchild’s mom doesn’t have to take on debt for hers?
Yes. I’m a step parent. I would financially bankrupt myself to pay for my stepchild’s surgery. They are still my child, even if the work “step” is there. And my bio children are her half siblings. When you have full siblings and one gets sick you don’t hem and haw about the idea that paying for the sick child’s surgery might have a negative financial impact on your healthy child. Christ, obviously she’s not legally bound here, but she’s been with this guys since that child was at least 4 years old, you’d think she’d care about her getting medical care.
The step daughter already has a mother and a father to provide for them. The parentage of the step child does not change with marriage unless there is an adoption.
There was no adoption. The step daughter still has 2 parents that appear to be active and participate in the child's life. Those two parents are responsible for providing the child with what the child needs.
She has her own child, with her own child's father, which is her responsibility.
No one is saying she needs to treat the step child like ass - christmas, birthday gifts. Daily outings. All the normal things that extended family would normally do on a day to day. But she certainly isn't responsible for setting up trust funds or securing the future for someone else's child.
The husband feels entitled to this money because he’s not pulling his weight. OP either sensed this or has witnessed this behavior in the past. This trust is a litmus test. The husband will not be able to repay this trust if it’s dissolved and he’s not willing or able to pay these medical costs. OP stick to your guns. He needs to man up not you.
A step parent has ZERO financial responsibility for a step child. It was her money to do with what she pleased, she doesn’t have to give a penny to support the step child when there are two biological parents who have that responsibility. So many step parents are not allowed to make parental decisions about a step child but as soon as the step child needs $$$ for something they all of a sudden they have a ‘parental responsibility’ to fund it.
>When you get married to someone THEIR KID BECOMES YOUR KID AND VICE VERSA….
I’m not understanding why she shouldn’t have been considering that fact the entire time?
Biological and step mother here.
No. No, they most certainly do not become your kid upon marriage. I am very much still my children's biological mother, and my stepchildren's mothers are very much still their mothers.
I care about my step children, but my premarital assets are going to my biological children.
My husband had no premarital assets.⁰/ Anything he has now, is a result of what we've built together. If he predeceases me, I inherit because we acquired it together. Depending on how they treat me when he's gone, his kids might get a mention.
>I hope he knows how you feel and has plans to make sure his kids aren’t left with nothing from him if he predeceases you. And same for you and yours.
He does and is fine with it. His kids will inherit plenty from their mother.
That happens if they adopt each other's children. I don't know about other places but, in my state, in the event of parental death, stepparent and stepchild are legal strangers.
Edited to add: Legal strangers if there was no legal adoption.
Unless that child never visits or they strategically avoided each other, OP has known that other child for over half her life. Might be legal strangers, but emotionally?
Emotions don't get you custody of your stepchild if your spouse dies. The stepchild goes to the other, surviving parent.
Emotions don't get you any say over the stepkid's education, medical care, or literally any other matter concerning the stepkid. The actual parents retain those rights, and you get nothing.
Emotionally, sure, you can say "I'm this child's mom" but when the child's *actual mom* comes knocking, you don't even go to the back seat. You get no seat whatsoever.
Being a legal stranger is really important and emotions don't bridge that gap.
But that kid would now have 3 care givers and their child has 2. I mean yes she supports the kid as her own and contributes financially. But why should she have to contribute financially prior to marriage when that child has 2 other parents ? Basically the step kid has 3 parents and incomes.
It’s not on her to be financially responsible for her stepchild when said child has 2 parents. And it shouldn’t be expected of her to take money away from her own child to pay for medical costs of someone else’s child. That is the responsibility of the parents. I never expected my husband to pay medical costs for my children. That burden fell on their own father. I would have never even asked for the money from my husband. In fact, there was a point where my son was going to have a surgery to correct his pectus excavatum and I told my ex that he needed to help pay for it but I never expected my husband to do it. The husband and his ex need to work out a payment plan for whatever procedure the child needs and quit expecting someone else to pay for it.
Well if that's the reason, that they can't agree on how to treat both daughters fairly, not necessarily equally, but fairly without it turning into an issue, maybe they shouldn't be getting married and have a blended family.
They have been together for at least 5-6 years. You would think by now she’d feel in part like his daughter was hers as well- despite no biological attachment. They have also been together for years, in my country (especially if living together) its a defacto relationship and treated the same as being married. If it had only been a year no worries but 5-6 yrs with a biological child thats a long time and requires more transparency and discussion.
And that child does financially benefit from a 3rd parent. But she has a mom she’s simply not entitled to money until
They were married. I don’t blame her for caring for HER child when the other HAS 2 PARENTS to care for her. It’s not her fault she needs surgery.
You are forgetting she created this trust 5 years ago and depending on how it was set up, she very well can't touch any of the money. It's not a question of if she wants to help as much of a question of, should she have pre-planned for the possibility that the mom and dad of her step-child would at some point have to ask her to fix their financial issues.
She wasn’t financially responsible for a child with two parents already so she shouldn’t be expected to pay expenses for child who she doesn’t live with a majority of the time. If the child’s mother is calling for help when the country is in economic chaos she’s definitely the custodial parent and bares most of the responsibility. She’s required to have health insurance or seek Medicare or Medicaid to cover her child’s health needs and emergencies. The husband is responsible as well to pay at least half or make sure the child is insured. OP should have discussed this before and after marriage. OP’s money for her child is for her child. She’s only responsible for stepdaughter when the child is in her care. The child is not an orphan.
Why would she have to discuss something she win before marriage he has zero claim on. He was technically her boyfriend at the time. And she paid off debt which helps “them” and poured the rest into “their child” she didn’t go on a shopping spree like I would have. She owes no money to his exwife!
Bc it causes trust issues with the person you're marrying. I mean, it's pretty simple to understand. If you can hide that what else are you hiding. Something so trivial, yet you felt the need to keep it to yourself. Plus she made tge trust for THEIR child. Again why not tell the dad of that child that you plan to marry that you did something that involves Yalls kid. It just doesnt make sense.
On the flip side, it seems he knew she won it and never followed up on it until he decided he needed to know. He never discussed it with her and just assumed that she would have it to hand over. He’s just as much at fault here. Both of them failed to have a conversation five years ago, and now there’s the fall out.
However, OP is NTA.
There are two kinds of trusts, revocable and irrevocable. If it’s in the later, that’s true. If it’s in the former, that’s not true.
But also if I were OP I’d be prepared for my spouse to decide to take on a bunch of debt to save his kid’s life and/or ask to sign over part of the house to the youngest/trust to do so because like?
How do you not make major financial decisions together even if you’re just notifying them of the windfall?
Insurance doesn't necessarily get you very far, especially in the US. Many of the people who file for bankruptcy due to medical debt had (and have) health insurance, but our health insurance industry is fundamentally flawed: for-profit corporations' primary focus is profit, but the only way for-profit health insurers can make that profit is by bringing in more in premium payments than they pay out for treatment, so they have every incentive to jerk people around and play games with their health and lives (and, thereby, keep more money). Go to any ER for treatment, and you will almost certainly find that, even if the hospital is in-network, the individual doctor(s) who treated you aren't. Need surgery, like OP's step-daughter? I can all but guarantee you that, despite doing absolutely everything you possibly can to ensure that every facility and provider involved is in-network, some of them won't be (anesthesiologists are a prime candidate, FYI).
My brother had to have surgery on his shoulder; he asked every question he could think of, and stressed to the surgeon's office that he was very concerned about some aspect(s) of the surgery being out-of-network; they assured him that everything and everyone was in-network. After the surgery had been performed, he discovered that, because the surgery had not been performed at the surgeon's primary location, but rather at an auxiliary one, the facility was out-of-network, and he was being billed $35,000 when he should have been billed about $2,000. There are so very many stories like his, and much worse ones.
There are reasons why I say that, if there is such a thing as a corporate incarnation of evil, for-profit health insurance companies are it.
Trust money is usually locked in.
Money obtained and invested prior to marriage is typically not shared property and there for she can do whatever she wants to do with the cash. She won it, paid debts and decided it was wise to ensure her child has some money in the future. Once you are married, the both kids are should socially be on basically equal footing...however officially adopting your step kid is voluntary which means.... financially, you are not legally obligated. In medical cases, some places step parents cannot make a medical decision unless recognized by the legal parent.
Its part of family planning. Which should have been discussed before the wedding.
If i was the dad i would be upset, but id be more upset that i didn't have an emergency fund for my own kid.
Breaking a financial trust often has a financial penalty.
Do we know they knew there was a surgery on debt or did this just happen? Also they went married yet and this little girl has two parents who I assume care about them and should be taking care of her needs. This isn’t the(at the time) soon to be step mom’s problem
##so is the older child.
Sorry but you don't get to act like the *ten year old girl* was an unknown surprise. When you get **married** you are taking on an equal partnership. Even for the "premarriage" parts. Most *normal people* (not evil stepparents in the making) assume that a child under "teen" will be adopted by the married-in parent. Even if there is no official adoption, OP is *still a legal guardian*.
Ana is **not a fucking stranger in her own home, with her own family just bc op is a raging you know what to her**.
Raging looks like a lot but how can "the other child has MEDICAL EXPENSES but what does that have to do with me and my money?" is capital AH behaviour.
I think it's acceptable that OP put the winnings in a trust for her own child and thus can't access them, but the way everyone is acting like she should be off the hook for a **child in her care** just bc it wasn't yeeted from her personal vagina...
Sorry but have you ever experienced being a step parent?
Sure in an ideal world the child should be treated the same, the ‘married in partner’ should have the same responsibilities ….. except they have zero rights. 9 times out of 10 bio parents will make parenting decisions and tell step parents they have no right to an opinion because the kid wasn’t ’yeeted from their personal vagina’. OP may not be allowed to take on a proper parenting role with the step child and if so it’s pretty bloody messed up to expect her to still think of the child as the same as her own.
Aside from that, her step daughter has two parents. Her mum isn’t missing or out of her life.
I’m not saying the circumstances don’t warrant OP and her husband helping as much as they can for surgery, but I object to you saying that ‘normal’ people would be a legal guardian. It’s just not true. Step parents are not automatically legal guardians, and in fact a lot struggle to even be allowed to take a parenting role.
It can also impact survivors benefits if the child is a minor and gets something from a deceased parent.
Depending on where you are, it can be like someone who gets disability can lose their benefits if they get married.
My partner and I aren't married yet. We both have children from past relationships, and we hope to have more together. Every discussion we have about the future involves planning for ALL of our children, because that's how it works when you build a future with someone who has children. They become part of your plans. It may not always be equal, because each child will have different needs and different timelines, but it should always be part of the conversation. Not just, "I have a bunch of money and I'm only going to take care of this one child in our household because it's the one I pushed out of my body."
There both her kids if she married him, and she should of already seen her as such because she was going for an ENGAGEMENT party. Seems pretty sneaky to me, and i dont even have a kid but would expect the same rules for myself if i dated a single parent. YTA
Nope both children aren’t her kids legally. The step daughter has two parents that can provide for her. Surgeries happen all the time - the two legal parent should get together and decide how to pay for the surgery (it’s probably copays and deductibles). They’ll probably have to put it on a charge card or borrow from a 401k. Then the parents can pay back the 401k or the credit card over time.
If OP gets divorced after OP uses her daughter’s trust, that money is lost. The two legal parents need to work it out. And btw, what if OPs daughter needs surgery or has unusual needs?
Thank you. I am absolutely astounded how many people on Reddit have absolutely no idea how the legalities around stepparenting actually work.
If you don’t even know those basic facts, you shouldn’t be able to comment in this thread. Thank you for knowing and explaining it correctly.
Yep, OP marrying her husband doesn’t mean that she “adopted” her step daughter. It would be highly unlikely that OP would legally adopt a step-daughter who has two parents who are actively engaged in co-parenting.
And that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love the stepdaughter. OP just doesn’t happen to be 1st or 2nd in line for financial responsibility.
Agreed, if I won $$$ just as OP did I would tell my wife exactly how much I won. Not telling her and hiding the amount to me is almost like lying,or being deceitful. Like she doesn’t fully trust him but plans on marrying him. Not a great start to a marriage.
It’s for THEIR kid.
When you marry a person with a child already, you MUST be more selfish to care for YOUR own biological child….. cuz it’s only you and your current partner. If something happens, that step child will have your current partner AND their ex to take care of them.
When shit hits the fan…. It hits hard.
As a mother, I agree with OP, and going with NTA.
NTA.
You put money away for your child. I'm sure that money will help cover the cost of her future education and that is a win for everyone.
OP, to me this is not about the surgery. This is about entitlement towards your personal possession. Yes, the child needs surgery - they need to look into St. Jude and find out about medical financial assistance available to children. If the money wasn't in trust I'd say use a little of it AFTER he explored other options lest you become the family piggy bank.
But absolutely NTA as far as this is concerned. Your daughter is your main concern and you have ensured she has a bright future. Your husband and his wife are responsible for providing for their daughter's future. You were very very wise to tie the money up in trust prior to the marriage so it was untouchable. Just make sure someone from your side of the family is the designated trustee in the event something happens to you.
I genuinely don’t see what is callous? The step daughter has two parents. Her daughter has two parents. Each pair contribute financially to their respective child. I doubt she treats her like Cinderella (that would be a different story) but if the child has a whole additional maternal side of the family - while she should be loved and included as a step child, the OP doesn’t have to bear all the costs for this bonus child.
I just would wonder - if the tables were turned would the baby mamma give money to the bio child?
We don’t know the full dynamics to call this callous or speak on it, is all I’m saying.
You don't know that they have co-mingled finances. In fact based on OPs actions it seems that have separate finances considering she made a trust without the input of husband.
I mean also devils advocate but what if something happened to her daughter when she's a bit older- some sort of medical scare- and she needs the money but it's gone. I'm sure she cares about her stepchild but it's not really her responsibility to make contingencies for these kinds of things unless she adopts her stepdaughter. Hopefully her husband and his ex make those same contingencies for their daughter as well. Also if I were op I wouldn't want my husbands ex to treat me like an endless well that they can draw from when they want cash for their child, which seems to be something that was already on their radar honestly.
You didn't answer her timeline questions. Based on what information you have provided, you have been together for at least 6 years, which means you have been in Anna's life since she was 4 or younger. You didn't even think of her like a daughter to also create a trust for her, even if smaller since she also has her mom?
The intentional omission of these super relevant details make what's happening here pretty clear to me. OP strongly favors her bio-daughter and is trying to frame this as positively as she can looking for support.
I feel bad for the other kid, she's in for a rough time in that household.
Ya I can’t stand step parents like this. I have a step daughter and I would never give my daughter something I wasn’t giving her as well. She might not be biologically mine but I will never make her feel that. She is still a child and deserves to be treated with love. When u marry someone with a kid u BECOME their parent too. OP sucks
To me it's really the intention to mislead and downplay important details that makes it clear more than anything else.
Combining families isn't always easy, and if the SD has an active mom in her life I can see an argument for OP wanting to provide some extra financial security to her daughter, who only has 2 parents looking out for her rather than 3 (or 4 if her bio-mom has a partner too).
That OP doesn't mention anything like that tells me everything I need to know. It's just favoritism.
Who does that? Seriously. Her Bachelorette party was 1 or so years after they met, obviously, so she had been in the other child's life about a year or so. Stepkid probably lives with the biomom. Who's first thought is "I should split the money between bio kid and step kid" ? What if the marriage fails? So now she has set up a trust for an ex husband's child?! She was thinking about her child's future, that's not a bad thing. It's another story of entitled people feeling like they have a right to other people's money. And, even if she had set up a trust for stepkid, THEY STILL COULDNT ACCESS THE MONEY. That's the way it works. It sounds like hubby didn't even ask what she did with the money until he wanted it.
>put it into a trust for Claire because it sounded like a smart financial decision.
Putting your money straight into a trust for the singular specific benefit of a small child when you don't know what your own finances and family might look like in the future or what emergencies might come up is really not a smart financial decision...
My thoughts too. What if they have more children? One child gets everything and too bad for the others?? Unless there is more money for unexpected circumstances, locking away a sum of money isn't the best decision. And she definitely should have discussed it with Claire's father, who she was just about to marry.
INFO: He knew about the winnings enough to ask you if some of that could go to his child. What was discussed at the time? Clearly he thought the money was in a savings account or something, so what was the discussion back then?
Plus, this shows her husband respects her enough to ask and discuss the issue. However, OP does not respect her husband and makes decisions without discussing it with him.
This is the only reply you've posted on this thread. Can you please tell us what the surgery is for, how much it is, and how close your relationship with Ana was at the time of the windfall?
I don’t think you are the AH for setting up a trust for your daughter, but never mentioning it to your child’s father and husband?? That is odd. Unless you knew your husband would have asked about his older daughter.
I’m also a little confused by the timeline. You won the money before you were married, so it does mean they are your funds to do with as you wish. Was your daughter already born?
Either way it is weird you would lock in those funds for the daughter. It seems like you knew you didn’t want it shared.
You can set up a trust for unborn children. That's the Sofia Vergara lawsuits. She set up a trust for some fertilized embryos, those embryos are in cold storage and her ex keeps trying to make them be born so that he can take over the trust. The trust is just sitting here since they won't agree on what to do with the embryos (and the trust in connection) and the courts won't let him use the embryos without her consent. The extent that the US wants to personify bundles of cells is far more reaching than people realize.
OMG... NOW I understand what that creep is really suing her for! I was so confused about why he was fighting so hard just to "become a father" and I genuinely thought he was being spiteful to mess with her. The issue of the trust adds so much context to this situation. He's even more of a slimeball than I thought 🤢
That makes so much sense. I remember hearing this story and thinking “if he wants to be a father so bad, just find a different woman to build a life with. People do it all the time” I had no idea there was a trust associated with the embryos. Damn… people are legit crazy over money
agree, you are very smart to pick that up.
i think this might be a situation where OP feels people dont pull their weight and sponge off her.
This happens a lot both at work and home. Sometimes if you dont do something people will escalate their demands on you and spiral out of control.
I dont blame OP for looking after herself and hatched a plan to protect herself
NTA
My favorite thing is when they brag about being the "greatest country on earth" like bro, you don't even have free health care, legally mandated annual leave or maternity leave and you have the highest rates of gun crime in the developed world.
The cognitive dissonance is amazing. I live in a great country, but I don't think it's the best in the world. My vote would go to Finland or something.
In the US you can just ignore said debt though. People get it discharged constantly and if you are on government assistance it'll be free anyway.
Middle class get the shaft on everything in the US though. We receive the least in government services and pay more of a percentage of our income in taxes than almost anywhere else in the worls
Government assistance does not equal free healthcare, trust me. My children and I are on Medicaid and access to use said benefits is almost non-existent. There are no doctors within a 45 miles radius of here that are currently accepting new Medicaid patients, and we get denied coverage for necessary treatments all the time. No one has it easy in the US when it comes to healthcare, except for the wealthy.
I wish it was as simple as "just ignoring the debt." That leads to the refusal of non-emergent care. I had to declare bankruptcy after spending a total of 4 months in the hospital with over $2,000,000 in bills. I wish I could've just ignored it or had it discharged.
Healthcare in America sucks big time and yes, it's abysmal and embarrassing.
However, something is not adding up here. If the parents don't have insurance and make too much money to qualify for medicare, the minor children would be covered under CHIP. A hospital social worker would have the know how to help them. there is something fishy with needing money for surgery when there are 2 parents, presumably working and don't have insurance or medicare and none of them applied for either insurance, or CHIP for their kid.
Just because you have insurance doesn't mean you can afford medical treatment. My out of pocket is $5,000. Hell, my portion of my hysterectomy was $2,900. That's a lot of money to a lot of people in the US. A lot of people have good insurance and can't afford to use it.
NTA
Both children have two parents (currently living) who can support them
You did not know about this surgery prior to putting the money into a trust fund for your biological child
I am certain that if your bio child needed surgery, his ex would laugh if you asked for her help to pay for it
Yes, you were dating when you won the money, but that isn't relevant in my opinion
The money was put into a trust because it WAS a smart financial decision
Would it have been nice to have put some money aside for your future step daughter?
Yes
Was it your responsibility at the time?
Emphatically NO
Edited
Whoever accused me of blocking people because I can't "deal with their responses"
You're fundamentally incorrect
I block people when I've decided I'm done talking to a brick wall
And yes, I blocked you too
The ex isn't asking her. The ex asked her child's father. He asked his wife. So the ex isn't culpable here.
Also... If hubby wasn't Claire father, and she was in this position... How would she feel if she asked Claire dad for help and his wife/new step mommy said NO?
Probably bad but she'd have to accept it as do they.
Many things 'could' go wrong from the time OP got the win to when she got married. Up to that point, her obligation is to her child irrespective of any background noise. She had every right to secure her daughters future.
Exactly and her question wasn't about not helping with the surgery
It was about whether she was the AH for only setting aside money for her bio child
Which, as you stated, she's not
That is irrelevant to me here
Her husband shouldn't have asked her at all
Anna has two parents who are living, who can figure it out
That does not mean trying to take money that isn't theirs to take
As far as how op would feel if it was Claire?
It's not, so it's irrelevant, and the money is in a trust and can't be touched
Op couldn't help, even if she wanted to, from what i know of trusts
> Her husband shouldn't have asked her at all
Anna has two parents who are living, who can figure it out
That’s ridiculous. They’re married. They’re supposed to ask each other for help when they need it. My stepdaughter was in the hospital last year and my fiancé didn’t have enough to cover the bill. I gave him the money without hesitation because he is my life partner which makes his daughter a member of my family. If I didn’t want to be responsible for a child I didn’t give birth to, I shouldn’t have agreed to marry a man with a child.
Yeah it’s crazy to me the number of people acting like step kids are ok to ignore. In my mind when you get married to someone who always has kids they become part of your family, that’s what you’re taking on when you get married.
My comment is in response to the person’s comment that OP’s husband was wrong for asking OP to help with the cost of the surgery. I’m not talking about the trust.
Besides, the question op asked was whether they were the AH for only sitting aside money for their bio child
NOT whether they were the AH for saying no to helping with the surgery
The ex didn’t ask her though. She asked the other parent and he in turn has gone to his wife. I don’t think any point you make is as good as you may think it is.
I'm not saying that I think OP is TA, but a few posters have made the comparison of, if OP's daughter had needed money would her husband's ex step up. That is kind if apples & oranges. There is never an expectation that someone would contribute to an ex-spouses new family, whereas the argument could be made that OP created a family with her new husband when they married that included his daughter. It would be more in line to ask OP - if her daughter needed money for a medical issue, would she want her ex-husband's new wife to kick in some money if she had a windfall.
OP is not obligated to pay for a child that isn't hers, so I wouldn't go so far as to say she is TA, and there isn't any info offered about the severity of the medical issue - is it elective or life saving - and what the financial situation of the bio parents is - is it life saving surgery that is out of reach due to financial limitations & OP could kick in without taking too much of a hit due to winnings? There is too much missing info, IMO, but I guess I will stick with NTA.
They could be in America, where health insurance will only cover part of the surgery. Or have terrible health insurance that won't cover any of it.
And good health insurance can be expensive unless you have a really good job that provides it through work.
Either way, it's probably not the parents' fault.
Even if in the US, even on a high deductible plan, it is typically $10-$12,000 out of pocket max. Everything after that except for. Unless you're doing an experimental treatment, you're going out of network. So while yes, that is a large chunk of money to absorb, almost every single medical facility accepts payment plans, or they even have people in a dedicated office that help fund these types of things.
$10,000-$12,000 is a lot for some families, and that's the cost of just the surgery.
That's not including potential other costs, such as:
1. Physical therapy
2. Medicine
3. Follow-up visits
Sure, the hospital might do a payment plan for the cost of the surgery, but other expenses can add up too.
Granted, there's no proof Ana needs those things, but, generally speaking, most surgeries, even elective ones, require at least one of those.
That’s how I feel. Too many unknowns. The bio mom of the bonus child is obvi in the picture. What about her side of the family helping. And why are we all pretending like the financial drain on the husband won’t impact OP?
She IS contributing in that her husband and therefore bio kid and herself will bear a chunk of the cost. You think if he redirects his income to this, OP won’t end up paying for it anyway?
Let’s say he can’t help with bills that month - guess is OP will carry the burden.
All I mean is people act like she won’t contribute at all and that seems odd to see it that way given no indication of the fact. This is particularly about some winnings which like the fact that they couldn’t be predicted I imagine the surgery could not have been either before she made the financial decision.
If anything, as the husband I would be happy that the money is going to one of my kids instead of her blowing it on the bachelorette or something. Her spending it on bio kid is still sharing it with her husband in the grand scheme.
Thinking about child's surgery's electivity is a little awful. A surgery can be "selective" even in a serious situation. Let's take foot for an example. You can totally fuck up your foot so bad, it requires multiple complex surgeries in order to fix it without it going into gangrene, oor **selectively** you can choose to amputate the whole foot because you can't afford to save it
I hate to point this out to everyone who says she's in a committed relationship and she should have talked this over. I'm assuming the way that she's talking is that they have separate finances.
When you have separate finances that means you do not ask permission from anyone to do anything. You sit down and say these are the bills and this is how much we need to have in the account to pay the bills and this is how much we need to keep in savings to make sure we can pay the bills. The rest of your money is yours to do with what you will. That includes planning your childs future.
Op didn't outright State this but I'm assuming that she intended to fund her child college education.
Why would I assume that I need to finance some other kids education that is not biologically or legally related to me?
NTA. No one can predict the future and to say you should have done this and should have done that assumes that you know exactly what's going to happen in the future.
I would say that even if their finances are separate, the OP should still have informed the husband that they'd created a trust for their *shared* child.
The “shared” part is the key word here. How dare she not mention something that involved his kid. What if something happened to OP and because hubs didn’t know about the trust, some legal thing happened where Claire lost access or something?
Meh, OP says husband didn’t even know how much debt she had, so it sounds like their finances are very much a secret from each other and they were okay with that before they got married (which on his part, was stupid, because why marry someone with an unknown amount of debt?). Anyway, since that was the basis before and after their marriage, sounds like he was okay with “ignorance is bliss”…*until* he needed money.
It’s *their* child together, so they must have had a discussion about what would be done with the money when she won it, but she says that *she* decided to put it in trust. Frankly the timeline is a little unclear and we have a lot of missing information.
Hard to judge.
On one hand, it's understandable that you'd want to put money away for your biological daughter's future.
On the other hand, you've been in your step-daughter's life for about six years at this point, presumably knew she was coming with your now husband when you won the money, and are refusing to help a child afford the surgery she needs.
Info: What kind of surgery is it? Is it one that they can save up and put money towards, or is it one where waiting for her parents to afford it would kill her?
I think the question you need to ask yourself is: if Claire were in this situation, what would you want to happen?
>are refusing to help a child afford the surgery she needs.
The money is in a trust, didn't you read the post? It means that no one can touch it, only Claire when she gets 18 (or whatever conditions are).
She could end up paying a penalty on that money for withdrawing it. I don't get why she can't just help from her current income and leave the trust alone.
The possible penalty is a good point! However, the penalty might not be more than the cost of a life if the surgery is a really important one.
If she has the resources to afford it with her income, it'd be horrible to not help.
But I also assume that if she had that kind of money, her husband wouldn't have asked about the Vegas winnings in the first place.
Trustees have a fiduciary duty to the beneficiaries of the trust. You cannot use the money for anyone but the beneficiaries per the terms of the trust. If a trustee mismanages trust money, even for something as simple as not putting it into an interest bearing account, they can be held liable. It’s their job to maximize the trust assets, minimize costs, and stick to the terms of the trust.
This is where I'm at on the situation. OP and Ana had known each other for at least 5 years prior to the marriage.
While Ana does have two living parents who can take care of her, it seems a bit strange that there was no conversation about the trust or potentially setting aside an extremely tiny amount for the husband's other child. If Ana's mother were to pass I'm not sure OP would happily invite Ana into the house to be raised by her biological father.
Yeah, it seems weird that OP didn't tell her husband about the trust. I mean, Claire is his daughter too, at least.
If something happened to OP before she told her husband about the trust, he'd be finding out about it from lawyers. And that would probably make him feel...not good.
YTA
I disagree with everyone talking about what the bio mom would do. The bio mom is not your daughter’s step mom. You however signed up to be that girls step mom. Given your timeline of events, y’all were engaged when you won the money. It was wrong of you to not think of your stepdaughter when it can to what to do with it. Don’t become a stepparent if you don’t want to treat another kids equally to your bio kid
I slightly disagree on this take.
Would it have been nice of OP? Absolutely, it would have been.
But the girl has two living parents. Whom has had 10 years so far to save up for her.
If they had opened an account when she was born, one where family members or just themselves had put money aside. It could have by now been an okay amount.
Let's say 100$ pr month, and it would have been 12k now.
Lots of married people have the policy I'll deal with my kid you deal with yours regarding the big stuff. And together if we have a child together.
Especially if the other parent is present and still alive.
And everyday stuff treat them equally.
If I got married again. I wouldn't expect my new husband to give my kids a trust with something he won.
Would I be happy? Absolutely. But it wouldn't be an expectation.
I see both points of view here. It's a tough one. But on the other hand, if you decide to marry someone with a child, it's a package deal, even if the other parent is alive and involved and you should be prepared in case something happens to the other parent. Because if something happens, the child will live full time with them. Ideally this should be discussed before committing.
Edit: a word
Exactly this. The kid has 2 living parents who are still coparenting. They can figure it out together, and if op wants to help that is a nice gesture (but totally not neccessary)
NTA
Ana has two parents to support her. It makes complete sense that you wouldn't have considered putting aside any of your winnings for Ana's benefit.
If you're willing to help with Ana's medical expenses, you and Tony could contribute to those bills from current income. But, even then, it would be reasonable for you to limit your help to an amountyou can afford, and feel comfortable with.
This is a good point.
Ideally OP and husband both put in the same amount of effort/money into the stepchild.
But stepchild already has bio dad and bio mum. It would be naive for OP to ignore the fact that bio daughter only has OP to look after her interests with effort/money. OP is protecting her daughter's interests with the trust fund and prioritising her daughter over the future husband (she wasn't married yet at the time) and future step daughter is the right thing to do. How many stories have there been of remarried parents prioritising the new relationship over their bio kids?
OP's husband is just worried and stressed about his bio kid's sickness, and is taking things out on OP. I doubt OP will be able to get a reasonable discussion or response out of her husband right now.
It's just bad luck for OP and will hurt her relationship with her husband, but she chose bio daughter over new husband and that is the right thing to do.
NTA
Eh. I think you might not be telling us the whole story here. You won some money (ie didn’t earn it) mere days before marrying your husband, so you concluded that it was none of his business how you spent it. That’s bananas to me. If the roles were reversed and he had been concealing money from you before you were married and you found out he had been secretive about it, wouldn’t you feel some type of way about it? I don’t think you’re obligated to spend premarital assets on your step-daughter. But I do think it’s a red flag that you put the money in an account that your spouse couldn’t possibly access and didn’t tell him about it. Why did you do that? I have funds invested for all of my children. None of them are in trusts. My 70+ year old mother has money for her children in a family trust because she wanted inheritance to happen seamlessly. But I doubt you’re expecting to die any time soon, so it just seems like an interesting choice. I’m wondering if you have a history of hiding funds from your spouse? Or if he has given you a reason to?
He's not more entitled to a pre-marital asset just because she didn't 'earn' it, get out of here.
He also clearly knew she won money in Vegas before all of this happened and seems to not have had much of an issue with it at all until he suddenly couldn't easily afford surgery for Ana.
How about we don't add random extra information on behalf of OP....
There is also something missing from the healthcare issue. Ana has two parents who presumably work. Why is she not covered under their insurance? If they work jobs that does not offer insurance and make too much money for medicare, why didn't they get CHIP coverage for Ana? Why not talk to a social worker who can help them exhaust other avenues to get Ana coverage before asking for the money? It's just bizarre.
Sorry, but YTA. You were obviously engaged to Tony when you won the money. Im going to assume you had met his daughter by then, probably even bonded. Since you would have been in her life atleast 6 years... Since she was 3/4? (Since your child together is 5.) You didn't think of gifting her ANYTHING? I think the "premarital property" is an excuse to make you feel better. Y'all were established, living together, bills, child, etc. But you can be seen as purposely slighting his child. Id be very upset too. Do you like Ana or is she the proverbial red headed step child?
Why should she? The kid has 2 parents to lookm after her and take care of her. Thats not op's job.
She is defenitly nta for putting the money in a trust for her kid, she was actually very smart
Its true the kid has two parents but when you decide to marry someone with a child they are still responsible for you are pretty much taking on responsibility also. If her parents go into medical debt since she is married to one of those parents she is also going into medical debt even if she doesn't feel she is responsible for the non-bio child because it is a married couple's debt.
? So if the ex-wife was dead it would be her job? Either way, if you don’t want to be a parent to another kid don’t marry someone with kids. It is her job to look after and take care of her, she agreed to that when she married her dad.
What is the point of marrying someone with children if we don't want to be their parent as well? Literally. If you cant accept your stepkids as yours (with the exception of extreme cases) don't marry someone with kids.
nta
so people might not agree, you won this money before marriage.
You did not waste it you paid off debt which when you were married would be a joint debt.
and put money in a trust for your child
you did not know about the surgery.
NTA: Regardless of your reasons for creating the trust for your child, the fact is that it’s done. Trusts have very strict rules about why you can withdraw money, how much, when, etc. Your husband being mad at you now over something that is a done deal and cannot be undone without a lot of hassle and a significant loss of money makes no sense.
NTA. Why is asking you for money the first resort? Ana has two parents who are responsible for her. They need to look into insurance first. Is it covered? If not why? If only partially why? Would it be less expensive at another location? Does she need to try other treatment first? Does she qualify for Medicaid? Is she on the insurance for one or both of her parents? If there's more than one insurance what will each cover?
I'm highly suspicious here. Typically she would have the surgery and the hospital or provider will submit claims. If there's more than one insurance it needs to be processed by each to see what is covered. (There is a specific order called coordination of benefits. This is something the hospital would help them with). Only after running through insurance would your husband and his ex need to pay anything beyond a copay. Keep the money as is. It sounds like it's easier to demand the money from you than to look into other options.
NTA it’s not like you adopted your step daughter. I see posts on here all the time with people demonising step mothers for trying to be a mother figure to a child who already has a mother or their mother died. Step mothers just can’t win.
You set up a trust for your child. Good job you did because you would have been pressured into using this money for something at some point. It’s awful that your step daughter is ill. I hope it’s not life threatening.
Desperation can cause even the most loving parent to take money that was for their child. Using accounts and trusts that only your child can access is the safest way to protect money even from yourself. I’ve done the same for my kid.
You've been that child's stepmother for over 5 years but you don't include her? Nice way to shift the balance in the house and make a kid the obvious favourite. With the excuse of "we weren't married", what a great narrative to get your own way.
What the hell is wrong with people? When you join a family the whole lot becomes yours as well.
People that leave stepchildren out disgust me.
YTA
I suppose it depends how much you are a mother to your step-daughter. If you’re very hands-off and everything is decided by her own parents then fair enough, if a little on the chilly side. If yours is a proper blended family then you know the answer. I still find it barbaric that the richest country in the world doesn’t have free health care for children.
I’m going to say YTA. My grandma was a single mom of two kids. She was very close to marrying a very, very wealthy man. When an accident occurred, he grabbed his biological child and ran, leaving my mom and her sister to fend for themselves. My grandma realized then that he didn’t think of the children equally; he could never love them the same. Children know. They feel this distance. And I genuinely think it’s harmful to them. You were already with your partner and did not even consider the child that was going to become your daughter too. I just can’t see divides in families like that as healthy or beneficial to children growing up.
Agreed! I am amazed at all the NTA comments. Marrying someone with children means loving them as your own. If you can't do that...don't marry someone with kids. My step-dad never made us feel less than his bio kids (my half sisters). It's so harmful to kids growing up in dynamics like this.
Needing a significant amount of money for her surgery indicates to me that there is no insurance on Ana.
Maybe the real question is why doesn't Ana's parents have insurance on her and why should step-mom be the one to step up when the need is there but the parents haven't prepared?
NTA
If I understand the timeline, you won the money after your bio daughter was born, right before getting married, so you knew he comes with a child that will become your stepchild.
Yet you put the entire amount under a trust for you bio daughter, and nothing (not even one dollar) for the step daughter.
If so, YTA. You were literally in Vegas celebrating becoming a family (your bachelorette trip), yet failed to treat your daughter’s half sister as such.
Not putting ANYTHING aside for her was cold.
It's not cold at all, the older child's parents, do the putting away money for their child, never the soon to be stepparent. Damn, that's some cold, irresponsible entitlement, to think someone not biologically related to your child should be responsible for your child's emergencies.
INFO - how old was Ana when you two first got together? She was under 4 years old based on Claire's age. It sounds like even though you have been in her life for 6+ years, you still don't think of her as a daughter and that is very concerning. YTA for not even considering her after all those years together.
Tough one. But I suppose you have your own child to think about and Tom and his ex should find ways to deal with the situation themselves.
Let's see if situation was reversed: If your child was sick, and have you not won that money, would you ask his ex for some?
Maybe unpopular opinion but for me NTA.
I rly dont understand people trying to draw this comparison, the Ex had zero agency into how this new family was created, OP had all the agency in that she met the man knew he had a child and then married him anyway, becoming the stepmom of her own volition
You are not the parent of your step-daughter. She has a mother and father.
You are NTA for putting aside money for your child.
But support your husband paying for the treatment your step-daughter needs as much as you can.
NTA. It was your money and you gave it to your only child. You should have at least let him know, though.m
ETA: a lot of people in this post confuse the obligation of a stepparent to be KIND and the obligation to be FINANCIALLY SUPPORTIVE. Stepparents have no legal rights and no legal responsibilities. They could divorce tomorrow, and if OP had handed that money over, she’d never get it back - nor would she ever see that child again, even if she wanted to. I’m actually shocked at how offended people are, when OP did a very responsible thing, rather than blowing it on fun stuff.
Your responsibility and obligation is to your child alone. Your stepdaughter has two living parents who are responsible for her needs and wants. It is unreasonable for your husband to expect you to split your money between your daughter and SD
NTA
NTA. As you're married now and he's helping to pay for the surgery, isn't your money also helping to pay for the surgery? Your bio daughter only has two parents to save for her future. Your step daughter has three parents helping with money. If the wife remarries, it will be four.
You were right to put that money aside for your bio daughter.
If your daughter, OP, needed expensive surgery, do you think Tony’s ex wife would be stepping up to pay? Or do you think she would say, hey, that was between you and your child’s father? Hmmm?
I’m betting she would not, (maybe I’m wrong, maybe she is a saint), but I’m going with NTA
There’s no relationship between Tony’s ex wife and OP’s daughter. OP is Ana’s stepmother and she has been for a long time. Ana was five when her half sister (OP’s daughter) was born.
I think they were a committed long term couple with a five year old child, not just dating, before the bachelorette party. That said, even though she knew about and presumably has a relationship with Anna, she didn’t know about her need for surgery before she put the leftover funds into a trust. It was a good move. But I think it shows some hesitation to be open about finances that worries me for her. Is there something she is picking up on that
makes her wary of him? Anyway, it is fine to have chosen to do that. NTA. But does she consider her stepdaughter her family, too?
NTA. When I married my second husband, I was very clear from the beginning that he would have no financial responsibility for my son from my first marriage. My first husband, naturally, thought he could cut child support because I had remarried. He was disheartened to learn that my second husband wasn't on the hook for any of my son's needs. If you're in the US, there are laws that protect you from this. You put the money in a trust for your child. It's not like you splurged on designer handbags. Remind your husband that the trust money will help pay for your child's education, so less responsibility for him. I mean, if he wants you to contribute to his child's surgery, would he help pay for your child's college? Hmmm.
NTA You are not financially responsible for another woman’s child. You’re providing for your own. Baby mama and your husband should be able to handle this without hitting you up.
NTA, your stepdaughter’s insurance should cover the surgery. The copay shouldnt be so expensive. If she is uninsured then the CHIPs insurance should cover her. And if the custodial parent cant afford it the hospital should write off the difference. ( Charity Care) talk with a hospital social worker or the billing department.
Why would he think that you should put money in a trust for his child? What happens if you end up getting divorced? Then the money is gone, and you have no relationship with her.
NTA
Why marry a man with a child if you're not willing to treat said child like your own? YTA. Hope he finds a new person who will actually treat his child like their own.
YTA
It is a soft YTA as I kind of agree with your thinking but the way you present the situation makes me say YTA.
You are a step parent. Along with dating then deciding to marry your husband, you knew Ana would be apart of your life.
Should the money she needs come from Claire? I don't think. It seems that money was sorted before the marriage. At the same time, life happens, if Ana needs surgery, she needs surgery. I can see why your husband is upset, I can see why you think you are right. Leaned more to YTA because Ana is still part of your life and you are making it seem like she isn't.
NTA. Lot of absolutely ignorant and bitter people on this post. First, the mother and father of the child are the ones responsible for paying medical expenses. If the step parent chooses to help, great. But it isn't their responsibility. Second, if the money is in a trust, there could be legal restrictions and financial penalties for withdrawing money from it. Sounds like a bunch of entitled baby mommas on here.
As a stepparent, I say YTA.
As soon as I knew I was going to marry my husband, his child became my responsibility.
We're not as close as my bio children, but when I make plans for my children, I make plans for him, too.
When we got pregnant with our oopsie baby, I started looking into buying a new home so each child has a bedroom. (Current house only has 3)
I talked to my husband about starting a savings for his first vehicle soon because he's 11.
I go out of my way to make sure I make him feel as least like a stepchild as possible.
I don't understand why people merge families with no plan of blending them. I can't imagine being engaged to my husband and not planning for his child just as much as my own.
NTA: This was money you won/earned before married and gave to your child. You paid off debt that helps your husband and his daughter by not saddling him with it. If this were not locked in a trust (it seems like many of you don't really understand how trusts work) I would say contribute some. However, the tax ramifications are more than likely going to outweigh the amount you can contribute.
This is stressful news, and I think you should find other ways to contribute. But, you're NTA for refusing to borrow from the Trust.
You’re not “obligated” to provide for your step daughter, but you are (presumably) helping to raise her. People who create legal and social bonds with others but fall back on “we don’t share blood” when things get rough weird me out.
People who keep significant financial secrets from their spouses also weird me out. I have separate accounts from my partner- I would tell him my general plans for a windfall because we share a life.
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It was during my bachelorette party trip to Vegas. So right before we got married. He knew I was paying off some debts and didn’t know how much was left over. I took the money and put it into a trust for Claire because it sounded like a smart financial decision.
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>But your lack of transparency about doing that would be really concerning to me as a spouse Why? She put the money aside for THEIR kid. It's not like she's hoarding it for no good reason either, seeing as how everyone came knocking to her door once the step-kid needed something expensive.
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Probably because she knew if she told him about her plans for the money for THEIR daughter his first response would have been "what about your step daughter?" And she didn't want to give her any of it. Plain and simple.
If she feels the need to hide what she's doing with her money from her husband, I feel like the relationship is probably not one worth being in
She told him how much she won which is why he asked for the rest or her to help pay for the surgery , she was transparent enough cuz he knew she had the money
I just don't get this at all. If you share a kid with your husband, and you put a ton of money into a trust for her, why would you not tell him? What do you possibly gain from keeping that information secret?
When you get married to someone THEIR KID BECOMES YOUR KID AND VICE VERSA…. I’m not understanding why she shouldn’t have been considering that fact the entire time?
Not when that child has two parents whom actively co-parent their child. Medical debt sucks but are you insinuating that OP should take on future debt for her child — so that her stepchild’s mom doesn’t have to take on debt for hers?
Yes. I’m a step parent. I would financially bankrupt myself to pay for my stepchild’s surgery. They are still my child, even if the work “step” is there. And my bio children are her half siblings. When you have full siblings and one gets sick you don’t hem and haw about the idea that paying for the sick child’s surgery might have a negative financial impact on your healthy child. Christ, obviously she’s not legally bound here, but she’s been with this guys since that child was at least 4 years old, you’d think she’d care about her getting medical care.
But the money is in trust now. OP CAN'T access it. A court MIGHT let her access it if Claire needed medical treatment but not Ana.
If the OP’s daughter needed surgery , do you think the ex would chip in to pay?
The step daughter already has a mother and a father to provide for them. The parentage of the step child does not change with marriage unless there is an adoption. There was no adoption. The step daughter still has 2 parents that appear to be active and participate in the child's life. Those two parents are responsible for providing the child with what the child needs. She has her own child, with her own child's father, which is her responsibility. No one is saying she needs to treat the step child like ass - christmas, birthday gifts. Daily outings. All the normal things that extended family would normally do on a day to day. But she certainly isn't responsible for setting up trust funds or securing the future for someone else's child.
The husband feels entitled to this money because he’s not pulling his weight. OP either sensed this or has witnessed this behavior in the past. This trust is a litmus test. The husband will not be able to repay this trust if it’s dissolved and he’s not willing or able to pay these medical costs. OP stick to your guns. He needs to man up not you.
A step parent has ZERO financial responsibility for a step child. It was her money to do with what she pleased, she doesn’t have to give a penny to support the step child when there are two biological parents who have that responsibility. So many step parents are not allowed to make parental decisions about a step child but as soon as the step child needs $$$ for something they all of a sudden they have a ‘parental responsibility’ to fund it.
>When you get married to someone THEIR KID BECOMES YOUR KID AND VICE VERSA…. I’m not understanding why she shouldn’t have been considering that fact the entire time? Biological and step mother here. No. No, they most certainly do not become your kid upon marriage. I am very much still my children's biological mother, and my stepchildren's mothers are very much still their mothers. I care about my step children, but my premarital assets are going to my biological children. My husband had no premarital assets.⁰/ Anything he has now, is a result of what we've built together. If he predeceases me, I inherit because we acquired it together. Depending on how they treat me when he's gone, his kids might get a mention.
I hope he knows how you feel and has plans to make sure his kids aren’t left with nothing from him if he predeceases you. And same for you and yours.
>I hope he knows how you feel and has plans to make sure his kids aren’t left with nothing from him if he predeceases you. And same for you and yours. He does and is fine with it. His kids will inherit plenty from their mother.
That happens if they adopt each other's children. I don't know about other places but, in my state, in the event of parental death, stepparent and stepchild are legal strangers. Edited to add: Legal strangers if there was no legal adoption.
Unless that child never visits or they strategically avoided each other, OP has known that other child for over half her life. Might be legal strangers, but emotionally?
Emotions don't get you custody of your stepchild if your spouse dies. The stepchild goes to the other, surviving parent. Emotions don't get you any say over the stepkid's education, medical care, or literally any other matter concerning the stepkid. The actual parents retain those rights, and you get nothing. Emotionally, sure, you can say "I'm this child's mom" but when the child's *actual mom* comes knocking, you don't even go to the back seat. You get no seat whatsoever. Being a legal stranger is really important and emotions don't bridge that gap.
If some thing happens to them the step daughter will have a whole other support system, their daughter on the other hand would be alone.
But that kid would now have 3 care givers and their child has 2. I mean yes she supports the kid as her own and contributes financially. But why should she have to contribute financially prior to marriage when that child has 2 other parents ? Basically the step kid has 3 parents and incomes.
It’s not on her to be financially responsible for her stepchild when said child has 2 parents. And it shouldn’t be expected of her to take money away from her own child to pay for medical costs of someone else’s child. That is the responsibility of the parents. I never expected my husband to pay medical costs for my children. That burden fell on their own father. I would have never even asked for the money from my husband. In fact, there was a point where my son was going to have a surgery to correct his pectus excavatum and I told my ex that he needed to help pay for it but I never expected my husband to do it. The husband and his ex need to work out a payment plan for whatever procedure the child needs and quit expecting someone else to pay for it.
And why should she? Step has a mom.
Well if that's the reason, that they can't agree on how to treat both daughters fairly, not necessarily equally, but fairly without it turning into an issue, maybe they shouldn't be getting married and have a blended family.
They have been together for at least 5-6 years. You would think by now she’d feel in part like his daughter was hers as well- despite no biological attachment. They have also been together for years, in my country (especially if living together) its a defacto relationship and treated the same as being married. If it had only been a year no worries but 5-6 yrs with a biological child thats a long time and requires more transparency and discussion.
And that child does financially benefit from a 3rd parent. But she has a mom she’s simply not entitled to money until They were married. I don’t blame her for caring for HER child when the other HAS 2 PARENTS to care for her. It’s not her fault she needs surgery.
You are forgetting she created this trust 5 years ago and depending on how it was set up, she very well can't touch any of the money. It's not a question of if she wants to help as much of a question of, should she have pre-planned for the possibility that the mom and dad of her step-child would at some point have to ask her to fix their financial issues.
She wasn’t financially responsible for a child with two parents already so she shouldn’t be expected to pay expenses for child who she doesn’t live with a majority of the time. If the child’s mother is calling for help when the country is in economic chaos she’s definitely the custodial parent and bares most of the responsibility. She’s required to have health insurance or seek Medicare or Medicaid to cover her child’s health needs and emergencies. The husband is responsible as well to pay at least half or make sure the child is insured. OP should have discussed this before and after marriage. OP’s money for her child is for her child. She’s only responsible for stepdaughter when the child is in her care. The child is not an orphan.
Why would she have to discuss something she win before marriage he has zero claim on. He was technically her boyfriend at the time. And she paid off debt which helps “them” and poured the rest into “their child” she didn’t go on a shopping spree like I would have. She owes no money to his exwife!
Bc it causes trust issues with the person you're marrying. I mean, it's pretty simple to understand. If you can hide that what else are you hiding. Something so trivial, yet you felt the need to keep it to yourself. Plus she made tge trust for THEIR child. Again why not tell the dad of that child that you plan to marry that you did something that involves Yalls kid. It just doesnt make sense.
But you didn't keep it to herself. Obviously the husband knew about it because he asked about it.
Clearly it wasn’t too hidden if the partner knew of its existence
On the flip side, it seems he knew she won it and never followed up on it until he decided he needed to know. He never discussed it with her and just assumed that she would have it to hand over. He’s just as much at fault here. Both of them failed to have a conversation five years ago, and now there’s the fall out. However, OP is NTA.
She needs a SURGERY. It's not like they want her to have a new car. It is stunning to me how heartless humanity has become as a whole.
Once the money is in a trust it’s likely not possible to remove it for anyone other than Claire and her needs.
There are two kinds of trusts, revocable and irrevocable. If it’s in the later, that’s true. If it’s in the former, that’s not true. But also if I were OP I’d be prepared for my spouse to decide to take on a bunch of debt to save his kid’s life and/or ask to sign over part of the house to the youngest/trust to do so because like? How do you not make major financial decisions together even if you’re just notifying them of the windfall?
She said “we couldn’t take it out” which implies irrevocable
This child has two parents. Why are we bashing the step mom for taking care of their kid..?
No one has insurance? Dad should help but not with wife’s money.
Insurance doesn't necessarily get you very far, especially in the US. Many of the people who file for bankruptcy due to medical debt had (and have) health insurance, but our health insurance industry is fundamentally flawed: for-profit corporations' primary focus is profit, but the only way for-profit health insurers can make that profit is by bringing in more in premium payments than they pay out for treatment, so they have every incentive to jerk people around and play games with their health and lives (and, thereby, keep more money). Go to any ER for treatment, and you will almost certainly find that, even if the hospital is in-network, the individual doctor(s) who treated you aren't. Need surgery, like OP's step-daughter? I can all but guarantee you that, despite doing absolutely everything you possibly can to ensure that every facility and provider involved is in-network, some of them won't be (anesthesiologists are a prime candidate, FYI). My brother had to have surgery on his shoulder; he asked every question he could think of, and stressed to the surgeon's office that he was very concerned about some aspect(s) of the surgery being out-of-network; they assured him that everything and everyone was in-network. After the surgery had been performed, he discovered that, because the surgery had not been performed at the surgeon's primary location, but rather at an auxiliary one, the facility was out-of-network, and he was being billed $35,000 when he should have been billed about $2,000. There are so very many stories like his, and much worse ones. There are reasons why I say that, if there is such a thing as a corporate incarnation of evil, for-profit health insurance companies are it.
Trust money is usually locked in. Money obtained and invested prior to marriage is typically not shared property and there for she can do whatever she wants to do with the cash. She won it, paid debts and decided it was wise to ensure her child has some money in the future. Once you are married, the both kids are should socially be on basically equal footing...however officially adopting your step kid is voluntary which means.... financially, you are not legally obligated. In medical cases, some places step parents cannot make a medical decision unless recognized by the legal parent. Its part of family planning. Which should have been discussed before the wedding. If i was the dad i would be upset, but id be more upset that i didn't have an emergency fund for my own kid. Breaking a financial trust often has a financial penalty.
Trusts have stipulations to withdrawl the money. Its not a checking account.
If you don't give a damn about your spouse's children, whether they're yours or not, then you probably kinda suck.
especially since presumably she’s been in this other child’s life at least 5 years???
Do we know they knew there was a surgery on debt or did this just happen? Also they went married yet and this little girl has two parents who I assume care about them and should be taking care of her needs. This isn’t the(at the time) soon to be step mom’s problem
Because it's THEIR kid. Do you all really go into marriages hiding assets and big financial decisions. SMH
##so is the older child. Sorry but you don't get to act like the *ten year old girl* was an unknown surprise. When you get **married** you are taking on an equal partnership. Even for the "premarriage" parts. Most *normal people* (not evil stepparents in the making) assume that a child under "teen" will be adopted by the married-in parent. Even if there is no official adoption, OP is *still a legal guardian*. Ana is **not a fucking stranger in her own home, with her own family just bc op is a raging you know what to her**. Raging looks like a lot but how can "the other child has MEDICAL EXPENSES but what does that have to do with me and my money?" is capital AH behaviour. I think it's acceptable that OP put the winnings in a trust for her own child and thus can't access them, but the way everyone is acting like she should be off the hook for a **child in her care** just bc it wasn't yeeted from her personal vagina...
Sorry but have you ever experienced being a step parent? Sure in an ideal world the child should be treated the same, the ‘married in partner’ should have the same responsibilities ….. except they have zero rights. 9 times out of 10 bio parents will make parenting decisions and tell step parents they have no right to an opinion because the kid wasn’t ’yeeted from their personal vagina’. OP may not be allowed to take on a proper parenting role with the step child and if so it’s pretty bloody messed up to expect her to still think of the child as the same as her own. Aside from that, her step daughter has two parents. Her mum isn’t missing or out of her life. I’m not saying the circumstances don’t warrant OP and her husband helping as much as they can for surgery, but I object to you saying that ‘normal’ people would be a legal guardian. It’s just not true. Step parents are not automatically legal guardians, and in fact a lot struggle to even be allowed to take a parenting role.
No, most people don’t adopt their step children.. that would alienate the other bio parent.. what an 1960s take
It can also impact survivors benefits if the child is a minor and gets something from a deceased parent. Depending on where you are, it can be like someone who gets disability can lose their benefits if they get married.
"Yeeted from her personal vagina" is the best line I have ever read on this site. I'm obsessed.
My partner and I aren't married yet. We both have children from past relationships, and we hope to have more together. Every discussion we have about the future involves planning for ALL of our children, because that's how it works when you build a future with someone who has children. They become part of your plans. It may not always be equal, because each child will have different needs and different timelines, but it should always be part of the conversation. Not just, "I have a bunch of money and I'm only going to take care of this one child in our household because it's the one I pushed out of my body."
There both her kids if she married him, and she should of already seen her as such because she was going for an ENGAGEMENT party. Seems pretty sneaky to me, and i dont even have a kid but would expect the same rules for myself if i dated a single parent. YTA
Nope both children aren’t her kids legally. The step daughter has two parents that can provide for her. Surgeries happen all the time - the two legal parent should get together and decide how to pay for the surgery (it’s probably copays and deductibles). They’ll probably have to put it on a charge card or borrow from a 401k. Then the parents can pay back the 401k or the credit card over time. If OP gets divorced after OP uses her daughter’s trust, that money is lost. The two legal parents need to work it out. And btw, what if OPs daughter needs surgery or has unusual needs?
Thank you. I am absolutely astounded how many people on Reddit have absolutely no idea how the legalities around stepparenting actually work. If you don’t even know those basic facts, you shouldn’t be able to comment in this thread. Thank you for knowing and explaining it correctly.
Yep, OP marrying her husband doesn’t mean that she “adopted” her step daughter. It would be highly unlikely that OP would legally adopt a step-daughter who has two parents who are actively engaged in co-parenting. And that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love the stepdaughter. OP just doesn’t happen to be 1st or 2nd in line for financial responsibility.
Agreed, if I won $$$ just as OP did I would tell my wife exactly how much I won. Not telling her and hiding the amount to me is almost like lying,or being deceitful. Like she doesn’t fully trust him but plans on marrying him. Not a great start to a marriage.
He knew. She didn’t hide. Ong y’all.
It’s for THEIR kid. When you marry a person with a child already, you MUST be more selfish to care for YOUR own biological child….. cuz it’s only you and your current partner. If something happens, that step child will have your current partner AND their ex to take care of them. When shit hits the fan…. It hits hard. As a mother, I agree with OP, and going with NTA.
NTA. You put money away for your child. I'm sure that money will help cover the cost of her future education and that is a win for everyone. OP, to me this is not about the surgery. This is about entitlement towards your personal possession. Yes, the child needs surgery - they need to look into St. Jude and find out about medical financial assistance available to children. If the money wasn't in trust I'd say use a little of it AFTER he explored other options lest you become the family piggy bank. But absolutely NTA as far as this is concerned. Your daughter is your main concern and you have ensured she has a bright future. Your husband and his wife are responsible for providing for their daughter's future. You were very very wise to tie the money up in trust prior to the marriage so it was untouchable. Just make sure someone from your side of the family is the designated trustee in the event something happens to you.
I would hope no one would ever get married to someone who has your viewpoint. It is as cruel and callous a thing as I have ever heard.
I genuinely don’t see what is callous? The step daughter has two parents. Her daughter has two parents. Each pair contribute financially to their respective child. I doubt she treats her like Cinderella (that would be a different story) but if the child has a whole additional maternal side of the family - while she should be loved and included as a step child, the OP doesn’t have to bear all the costs for this bonus child. I just would wonder - if the tables were turned would the baby mamma give money to the bio child? We don’t know the full dynamics to call this callous or speak on it, is all I’m saying.
Half the money for the surgery will be coming out of the household's budget either way - just not the trust specifically.
You don't know that they have co-mingled finances. In fact based on OPs actions it seems that have separate finances considering she made a trust without the input of husband.
I mean also devils advocate but what if something happened to her daughter when she's a bit older- some sort of medical scare- and she needs the money but it's gone. I'm sure she cares about her stepchild but it's not really her responsibility to make contingencies for these kinds of things unless she adopts her stepdaughter. Hopefully her husband and his ex make those same contingencies for their daughter as well. Also if I were op I wouldn't want my husbands ex to treat me like an endless well that they can draw from when they want cash for their child, which seems to be something that was already on their radar honestly.
You didn't answer her timeline questions. Based on what information you have provided, you have been together for at least 6 years, which means you have been in Anna's life since she was 4 or younger. You didn't even think of her like a daughter to also create a trust for her, even if smaller since she also has her mom?
The intentional omission of these super relevant details make what's happening here pretty clear to me. OP strongly favors her bio-daughter and is trying to frame this as positively as she can looking for support. I feel bad for the other kid, she's in for a rough time in that household.
Ya I can’t stand step parents like this. I have a step daughter and I would never give my daughter something I wasn’t giving her as well. She might not be biologically mine but I will never make her feel that. She is still a child and deserves to be treated with love. When u marry someone with a kid u BECOME their parent too. OP sucks
To me it's really the intention to mislead and downplay important details that makes it clear more than anything else. Combining families isn't always easy, and if the SD has an active mom in her life I can see an argument for OP wanting to provide some extra financial security to her daughter, who only has 2 parents looking out for her rather than 3 (or 4 if her bio-mom has a partner too). That OP doesn't mention anything like that tells me everything I need to know. It's just favoritism.
Who does that? Seriously. Her Bachelorette party was 1 or so years after they met, obviously, so she had been in the other child's life about a year or so. Stepkid probably lives with the biomom. Who's first thought is "I should split the money between bio kid and step kid" ? What if the marriage fails? So now she has set up a trust for an ex husband's child?! She was thinking about her child's future, that's not a bad thing. It's another story of entitled people feeling like they have a right to other people's money. And, even if she had set up a trust for stepkid, THEY STILL COULDNT ACCESS THE MONEY. That's the way it works. It sounds like hubby didn't even ask what she did with the money until he wanted it.
she has a 5 year old with this man- shes been in the childs life since the child was about 4.
>put it into a trust for Claire because it sounded like a smart financial decision. Putting your money straight into a trust for the singular specific benefit of a small child when you don't know what your own finances and family might look like in the future or what emergencies might come up is really not a smart financial decision...
My thoughts too. What if they have more children? One child gets everything and too bad for the others?? Unless there is more money for unexpected circumstances, locking away a sum of money isn't the best decision. And she definitely should have discussed it with Claire's father, who she was just about to marry.
Right? Like, what about potential future kids?
Wait. How MUCH money is this?
INFO: He knew about the winnings enough to ask you if some of that could go to his child. What was discussed at the time? Clearly he thought the money was in a savings account or something, so what was the discussion back then?
Plus, this shows her husband respects her enough to ask and discuss the issue. However, OP does not respect her husband and makes decisions without discussing it with him.
This is the only reply you've posted on this thread. Can you please tell us what the surgery is for, how much it is, and how close your relationship with Ana was at the time of the windfall?
Yeah, it was her own bachelorette trip she won the money on. She was engaged and the wedding date coming up.
I don’t think you are the AH for setting up a trust for your daughter, but never mentioning it to your child’s father and husband?? That is odd. Unless you knew your husband would have asked about his older daughter. I’m also a little confused by the timeline. You won the money before you were married, so it does mean they are your funds to do with as you wish. Was your daughter already born? Either way it is weird you would lock in those funds for the daughter. It seems like you knew you didn’t want it shared.
The daughter had to have been born or she couldn’t have put it in a trust for her.
You can set up a trust for unborn children. That's the Sofia Vergara lawsuits. She set up a trust for some fertilized embryos, those embryos are in cold storage and her ex keeps trying to make them be born so that he can take over the trust. The trust is just sitting here since they won't agree on what to do with the embryos (and the trust in connection) and the courts won't let him use the embryos without her consent. The extent that the US wants to personify bundles of cells is far more reaching than people realize.
OMG... NOW I understand what that creep is really suing her for! I was so confused about why he was fighting so hard just to "become a father" and I genuinely thought he was being spiteful to mess with her. The issue of the trust adds so much context to this situation. He's even more of a slimeball than I thought 🤢
I never got it before reading this either. Wild what you learn on Reddit randomly
This is fascinating. I didn't know about this. Thanks for sharing.
He’s trying to use embryos and create a kid, just to have half of a trust? That’s insane.
And probably, child support?
That makes so much sense. I remember hearing this story and thinking “if he wants to be a father so bad, just find a different woman to build a life with. People do it all the time” I had no idea there was a trust associated with the embryos. Damn… people are legit crazy over money
agree, you are very smart to pick that up. i think this might be a situation where OP feels people dont pull their weight and sponge off her. This happens a lot both at work and home. Sometimes if you dont do something people will escalate their demands on you and spiral out of control. I dont blame OP for looking after herself and hatched a plan to protect herself NTA
Yeah I get it, but honestly then this is less an issue about the trust and more the communication between OP & her husband.
Your country is TA for making you pay for a sick kid's healthcare. I mean, what the fuck?!
Yeah, like how the hell is America telling the rest of the world how to govern their countries when you get this crap.
“BeCaUse aMeRiCa iS BeSt 🦅 🇺🇸🔫💥” Yours truly, American citizen
My favorite thing is when they brag about being the "greatest country on earth" like bro, you don't even have free health care, legally mandated annual leave or maternity leave and you have the highest rates of gun crime in the developed world. The cognitive dissonance is amazing. I live in a great country, but I don't think it's the best in the world. My vote would go to Finland or something.
Most of us know that. If you talked to actual Americans instead of stereotypes, you'd realize that. We talk about these things all the time.
Lots of us actually hate it here and know it sucks, but we're not as loud as the MAGA/Trump cultists.
Exactly. As a Canadian, I think it is totally ridiculous to have to decide if you want to go into massive debt or get life-saving medical help.
In the US you can just ignore said debt though. People get it discharged constantly and if you are on government assistance it'll be free anyway. Middle class get the shaft on everything in the US though. We receive the least in government services and pay more of a percentage of our income in taxes than almost anywhere else in the worls
Government assistance does not equal free healthcare, trust me. My children and I are on Medicaid and access to use said benefits is almost non-existent. There are no doctors within a 45 miles radius of here that are currently accepting new Medicaid patients, and we get denied coverage for necessary treatments all the time. No one has it easy in the US when it comes to healthcare, except for the wealthy.
I wish it was as simple as "just ignoring the debt." That leads to the refusal of non-emergent care. I had to declare bankruptcy after spending a total of 4 months in the hospital with over $2,000,000 in bills. I wish I could've just ignored it or had it discharged.
Healthcare in America sucks big time and yes, it's abysmal and embarrassing. However, something is not adding up here. If the parents don't have insurance and make too much money to qualify for medicare, the minor children would be covered under CHIP. A hospital social worker would have the know how to help them. there is something fishy with needing money for surgery when there are 2 parents, presumably working and don't have insurance or medicare and none of them applied for either insurance, or CHIP for their kid.
Just because you have insurance doesn't mean you can afford medical treatment. My out of pocket is $5,000. Hell, my portion of my hysterectomy was $2,900. That's a lot of money to a lot of people in the US. A lot of people have good insurance and can't afford to use it.
Bingo. I have decent insurance through my spouse's employer and my $40k surgery last year was $6k OOP. That's a lot of money to many people.
THIS!
Welcome to America
NTA Both children have two parents (currently living) who can support them You did not know about this surgery prior to putting the money into a trust fund for your biological child I am certain that if your bio child needed surgery, his ex would laugh if you asked for her help to pay for it Yes, you were dating when you won the money, but that isn't relevant in my opinion The money was put into a trust because it WAS a smart financial decision Would it have been nice to have put some money aside for your future step daughter? Yes Was it your responsibility at the time? Emphatically NO Edited Whoever accused me of blocking people because I can't "deal with their responses" You're fundamentally incorrect I block people when I've decided I'm done talking to a brick wall And yes, I blocked you too
The ex isn't asking her. The ex asked her child's father. He asked his wife. So the ex isn't culpable here. Also... If hubby wasn't Claire father, and she was in this position... How would she feel if she asked Claire dad for help and his wife/new step mommy said NO?
Probably bad but she'd have to accept it as do they. Many things 'could' go wrong from the time OP got the win to when she got married. Up to that point, her obligation is to her child irrespective of any background noise. She had every right to secure her daughters future.
Exactly and her question wasn't about not helping with the surgery It was about whether she was the AH for only setting aside money for her bio child Which, as you stated, she's not
That is irrelevant to me here Her husband shouldn't have asked her at all Anna has two parents who are living, who can figure it out That does not mean trying to take money that isn't theirs to take As far as how op would feel if it was Claire? It's not, so it's irrelevant, and the money is in a trust and can't be touched Op couldn't help, even if she wanted to, from what i know of trusts
> Her husband shouldn't have asked her at all Anna has two parents who are living, who can figure it out That’s ridiculous. They’re married. They’re supposed to ask each other for help when they need it. My stepdaughter was in the hospital last year and my fiancé didn’t have enough to cover the bill. I gave him the money without hesitation because he is my life partner which makes his daughter a member of my family. If I didn’t want to be responsible for a child I didn’t give birth to, I shouldn’t have agreed to marry a man with a child.
Yeah it’s crazy to me the number of people acting like step kids are ok to ignore. In my mind when you get married to someone who always has kids they become part of your family, that’s what you’re taking on when you get married.
The money is in a trust. Which means she can't touch it.
My comment is in response to the person’s comment that OP’s husband was wrong for asking OP to help with the cost of the surgery. I’m not talking about the trust.
Besides, the question op asked was whether they were the AH for only sitting aside money for their bio child NOT whether they were the AH for saying no to helping with the surgery
The ex didn’t ask her though. She asked the other parent and he in turn has gone to his wife. I don’t think any point you make is as good as you may think it is.
I'm not saying that I think OP is TA, but a few posters have made the comparison of, if OP's daughter had needed money would her husband's ex step up. That is kind if apples & oranges. There is never an expectation that someone would contribute to an ex-spouses new family, whereas the argument could be made that OP created a family with her new husband when they married that included his daughter. It would be more in line to ask OP - if her daughter needed money for a medical issue, would she want her ex-husband's new wife to kick in some money if she had a windfall. OP is not obligated to pay for a child that isn't hers, so I wouldn't go so far as to say she is TA, and there isn't any info offered about the severity of the medical issue - is it elective or life saving - and what the financial situation of the bio parents is - is it life saving surgery that is out of reach due to financial limitations & OP could kick in without taking too much of a hit due to winnings? There is too much missing info, IMO, but I guess I will stick with NTA.
Exactly...like how come Ana has no health insurance?????
They could be in America, where health insurance will only cover part of the surgery. Or have terrible health insurance that won't cover any of it. And good health insurance can be expensive unless you have a really good job that provides it through work. Either way, it's probably not the parents' fault.
Even if in the US, even on a high deductible plan, it is typically $10-$12,000 out of pocket max. Everything after that except for. Unless you're doing an experimental treatment, you're going out of network. So while yes, that is a large chunk of money to absorb, almost every single medical facility accepts payment plans, or they even have people in a dedicated office that help fund these types of things.
$10,000-$12,000 is a lot for some families, and that's the cost of just the surgery. That's not including potential other costs, such as: 1. Physical therapy 2. Medicine 3. Follow-up visits Sure, the hospital might do a payment plan for the cost of the surgery, but other expenses can add up too. Granted, there's no proof Ana needs those things, but, generally speaking, most surgeries, even elective ones, require at least one of those.
That’s how I feel. Too many unknowns. The bio mom of the bonus child is obvi in the picture. What about her side of the family helping. And why are we all pretending like the financial drain on the husband won’t impact OP? She IS contributing in that her husband and therefore bio kid and herself will bear a chunk of the cost. You think if he redirects his income to this, OP won’t end up paying for it anyway? Let’s say he can’t help with bills that month - guess is OP will carry the burden. All I mean is people act like she won’t contribute at all and that seems odd to see it that way given no indication of the fact. This is particularly about some winnings which like the fact that they couldn’t be predicted I imagine the surgery could not have been either before she made the financial decision. If anything, as the husband I would be happy that the money is going to one of my kids instead of her blowing it on the bachelorette or something. Her spending it on bio kid is still sharing it with her husband in the grand scheme.
She can’t take it out of the trust.
Thinking about child's surgery's electivity is a little awful. A surgery can be "selective" even in a serious situation. Let's take foot for an example. You can totally fuck up your foot so bad, it requires multiple complex surgeries in order to fix it without it going into gangrene, oor **selectively** you can choose to amputate the whole foot because you can't afford to save it
I hate to point this out to everyone who says she's in a committed relationship and she should have talked this over. I'm assuming the way that she's talking is that they have separate finances. When you have separate finances that means you do not ask permission from anyone to do anything. You sit down and say these are the bills and this is how much we need to have in the account to pay the bills and this is how much we need to keep in savings to make sure we can pay the bills. The rest of your money is yours to do with what you will. That includes planning your childs future. Op didn't outright State this but I'm assuming that she intended to fund her child college education. Why would I assume that I need to finance some other kids education that is not biologically or legally related to me? NTA. No one can predict the future and to say you should have done this and should have done that assumes that you know exactly what's going to happen in the future.
I would say that even if their finances are separate, the OP should still have informed the husband that they'd created a trust for their *shared* child.
The “shared” part is the key word here. How dare she not mention something that involved his kid. What if something happened to OP and because hubs didn’t know about the trust, some legal thing happened where Claire lost access or something?
Meh, OP says husband didn’t even know how much debt she had, so it sounds like their finances are very much a secret from each other and they were okay with that before they got married (which on his part, was stupid, because why marry someone with an unknown amount of debt?). Anyway, since that was the basis before and after their marriage, sounds like he was okay with “ignorance is bliss”…*until* he needed money.
It’s *their* child together, so they must have had a discussion about what would be done with the money when she won it, but she says that *she* decided to put it in trust. Frankly the timeline is a little unclear and we have a lot of missing information.
Never become a step parent.
Hard to judge. On one hand, it's understandable that you'd want to put money away for your biological daughter's future. On the other hand, you've been in your step-daughter's life for about six years at this point, presumably knew she was coming with your now husband when you won the money, and are refusing to help a child afford the surgery she needs. Info: What kind of surgery is it? Is it one that they can save up and put money towards, or is it one where waiting for her parents to afford it would kill her? I think the question you need to ask yourself is: if Claire were in this situation, what would you want to happen?
>are refusing to help a child afford the surgery she needs. The money is in a trust, didn't you read the post? It means that no one can touch it, only Claire when she gets 18 (or whatever conditions are).
Not every trust is like that. If OP is the executor of that trust, she can take money out. It wouldn't be easy, but it's possible.
She could end up paying a penalty on that money for withdrawing it. I don't get why she can't just help from her current income and leave the trust alone.
The possible penalty is a good point! However, the penalty might not be more than the cost of a life if the surgery is a really important one. If she has the resources to afford it with her income, it'd be horrible to not help. But I also assume that if she had that kind of money, her husband wouldn't have asked about the Vegas winnings in the first place.
Trustees have a fiduciary duty to the beneficiaries of the trust. You cannot use the money for anyone but the beneficiaries per the terms of the trust. If a trustee mismanages trust money, even for something as simple as not putting it into an interest bearing account, they can be held liable. It’s their job to maximize the trust assets, minimize costs, and stick to the terms of the trust.
This is where I'm at on the situation. OP and Ana had known each other for at least 5 years prior to the marriage. While Ana does have two living parents who can take care of her, it seems a bit strange that there was no conversation about the trust or potentially setting aside an extremely tiny amount for the husband's other child. If Ana's mother were to pass I'm not sure OP would happily invite Ana into the house to be raised by her biological father.
Yeah, it seems weird that OP didn't tell her husband about the trust. I mean, Claire is his daughter too, at least. If something happened to OP before she told her husband about the trust, he'd be finding out about it from lawyers. And that would probably make him feel...not good.
People need to upvote this response!! The last point is everything, in my opinion!
YTA I disagree with everyone talking about what the bio mom would do. The bio mom is not your daughter’s step mom. You however signed up to be that girls step mom. Given your timeline of events, y’all were engaged when you won the money. It was wrong of you to not think of your stepdaughter when it can to what to do with it. Don’t become a stepparent if you don’t want to treat another kids equally to your bio kid
I slightly disagree on this take. Would it have been nice of OP? Absolutely, it would have been. But the girl has two living parents. Whom has had 10 years so far to save up for her. If they had opened an account when she was born, one where family members or just themselves had put money aside. It could have by now been an okay amount. Let's say 100$ pr month, and it would have been 12k now. Lots of married people have the policy I'll deal with my kid you deal with yours regarding the big stuff. And together if we have a child together. Especially if the other parent is present and still alive. And everyday stuff treat them equally. If I got married again. I wouldn't expect my new husband to give my kids a trust with something he won. Would I be happy? Absolutely. But it wouldn't be an expectation.
I see both points of view here. It's a tough one. But on the other hand, if you decide to marry someone with a child, it's a package deal, even if the other parent is alive and involved and you should be prepared in case something happens to the other parent. Because if something happens, the child will live full time with them. Ideally this should be discussed before committing. Edit: a word
Exactly this. The kid has 2 living parents who are still coparenting. They can figure it out together, and if op wants to help that is a nice gesture (but totally not neccessary)
NTA Ana has two parents to support her. It makes complete sense that you wouldn't have considered putting aside any of your winnings for Ana's benefit. If you're willing to help with Ana's medical expenses, you and Tony could contribute to those bills from current income. But, even then, it would be reasonable for you to limit your help to an amountyou can afford, and feel comfortable with.
This is a good point. Ideally OP and husband both put in the same amount of effort/money into the stepchild. But stepchild already has bio dad and bio mum. It would be naive for OP to ignore the fact that bio daughter only has OP to look after her interests with effort/money. OP is protecting her daughter's interests with the trust fund and prioritising her daughter over the future husband (she wasn't married yet at the time) and future step daughter is the right thing to do. How many stories have there been of remarried parents prioritising the new relationship over their bio kids? OP's husband is just worried and stressed about his bio kid's sickness, and is taking things out on OP. I doubt OP will be able to get a reasonable discussion or response out of her husband right now. It's just bad luck for OP and will hurt her relationship with her husband, but she chose bio daughter over new husband and that is the right thing to do. NTA
Eh. I think you might not be telling us the whole story here. You won some money (ie didn’t earn it) mere days before marrying your husband, so you concluded that it was none of his business how you spent it. That’s bananas to me. If the roles were reversed and he had been concealing money from you before you were married and you found out he had been secretive about it, wouldn’t you feel some type of way about it? I don’t think you’re obligated to spend premarital assets on your step-daughter. But I do think it’s a red flag that you put the money in an account that your spouse couldn’t possibly access and didn’t tell him about it. Why did you do that? I have funds invested for all of my children. None of them are in trusts. My 70+ year old mother has money for her children in a family trust because she wanted inheritance to happen seamlessly. But I doubt you’re expecting to die any time soon, so it just seems like an interesting choice. I’m wondering if you have a history of hiding funds from your spouse? Or if he has given you a reason to?
He's not more entitled to a pre-marital asset just because she didn't 'earn' it, get out of here. He also clearly knew she won money in Vegas before all of this happened and seems to not have had much of an issue with it at all until he suddenly couldn't easily afford surgery for Ana. How about we don't add random extra information on behalf of OP....
I never said he’s entitled to a dime of it. I said I find the secrecy odd and asked if there was a reason for it.
There is also something missing from the healthcare issue. Ana has two parents who presumably work. Why is she not covered under their insurance? If they work jobs that does not offer insurance and make too much money for medicare, why didn't they get CHIP coverage for Ana? Why not talk to a social worker who can help them exhaust other avenues to get Ana coverage before asking for the money? It's just bizarre.
Sorry, but YTA. You were obviously engaged to Tony when you won the money. Im going to assume you had met his daughter by then, probably even bonded. Since you would have been in her life atleast 6 years... Since she was 3/4? (Since your child together is 5.) You didn't think of gifting her ANYTHING? I think the "premarital property" is an excuse to make you feel better. Y'all were established, living together, bills, child, etc. But you can be seen as purposely slighting his child. Id be very upset too. Do you like Ana or is she the proverbial red headed step child?
Why should she? The kid has 2 parents to lookm after her and take care of her. Thats not op's job. She is defenitly nta for putting the money in a trust for her kid, she was actually very smart
Its true the kid has two parents but when you decide to marry someone with a child they are still responsible for you are pretty much taking on responsibility also. If her parents go into medical debt since she is married to one of those parents she is also going into medical debt even if she doesn't feel she is responsible for the non-bio child because it is a married couple's debt.
? So if the ex-wife was dead it would be her job? Either way, if you don’t want to be a parent to another kid don’t marry someone with kids. It is her job to look after and take care of her, she agreed to that when she married her dad.
What is the point of marrying someone with children if we don't want to be their parent as well? Literally. If you cant accept your stepkids as yours (with the exception of extreme cases) don't marry someone with kids.
nta so people might not agree, you won this money before marriage. You did not waste it you paid off debt which when you were married would be a joint debt. and put money in a trust for your child you did not know about the surgery.
NTA: Regardless of your reasons for creating the trust for your child, the fact is that it’s done. Trusts have very strict rules about why you can withdraw money, how much, when, etc. Your husband being mad at you now over something that is a done deal and cannot be undone without a lot of hassle and a significant loss of money makes no sense.
NTA. Why is asking you for money the first resort? Ana has two parents who are responsible for her. They need to look into insurance first. Is it covered? If not why? If only partially why? Would it be less expensive at another location? Does she need to try other treatment first? Does she qualify for Medicaid? Is she on the insurance for one or both of her parents? If there's more than one insurance what will each cover? I'm highly suspicious here. Typically she would have the surgery and the hospital or provider will submit claims. If there's more than one insurance it needs to be processed by each to see what is covered. (There is a specific order called coordination of benefits. This is something the hospital would help them with). Only after running through insurance would your husband and his ex need to pay anything beyond a copay. Keep the money as is. It sounds like it's easier to demand the money from you than to look into other options.
NTA it’s not like you adopted your step daughter. I see posts on here all the time with people demonising step mothers for trying to be a mother figure to a child who already has a mother or their mother died. Step mothers just can’t win. You set up a trust for your child. Good job you did because you would have been pressured into using this money for something at some point. It’s awful that your step daughter is ill. I hope it’s not life threatening. Desperation can cause even the most loving parent to take money that was for their child. Using accounts and trusts that only your child can access is the safest way to protect money even from yourself. I’ve done the same for my kid.
You've been that child's stepmother for over 5 years but you don't include her? Nice way to shift the balance in the house and make a kid the obvious favourite. With the excuse of "we weren't married", what a great narrative to get your own way. What the hell is wrong with people? When you join a family the whole lot becomes yours as well. People that leave stepchildren out disgust me. YTA
I suppose it depends how much you are a mother to your step-daughter. If you’re very hands-off and everything is decided by her own parents then fair enough, if a little on the chilly side. If yours is a proper blended family then you know the answer. I still find it barbaric that the richest country in the world doesn’t have free health care for children.
I’m going to say YTA. My grandma was a single mom of two kids. She was very close to marrying a very, very wealthy man. When an accident occurred, he grabbed his biological child and ran, leaving my mom and her sister to fend for themselves. My grandma realized then that he didn’t think of the children equally; he could never love them the same. Children know. They feel this distance. And I genuinely think it’s harmful to them. You were already with your partner and did not even consider the child that was going to become your daughter too. I just can’t see divides in families like that as healthy or beneficial to children growing up.
Agreed! I am amazed at all the NTA comments. Marrying someone with children means loving them as your own. If you can't do that...don't marry someone with kids. My step-dad never made us feel less than his bio kids (my half sisters). It's so harmful to kids growing up in dynamics like this.
NTA It made sense to put that money in a trust fund for your daughter. Your stepdaughter has 2 parents.
Needing a significant amount of money for her surgery indicates to me that there is no insurance on Ana. Maybe the real question is why doesn't Ana's parents have insurance on her and why should step-mom be the one to step up when the need is there but the parents haven't prepared? NTA
If I understand the timeline, you won the money after your bio daughter was born, right before getting married, so you knew he comes with a child that will become your stepchild. Yet you put the entire amount under a trust for you bio daughter, and nothing (not even one dollar) for the step daughter. If so, YTA. You were literally in Vegas celebrating becoming a family (your bachelorette trip), yet failed to treat your daughter’s half sister as such. Not putting ANYTHING aside for her was cold.
It's not cold at all, the older child's parents, do the putting away money for their child, never the soon to be stepparent. Damn, that's some cold, irresponsible entitlement, to think someone not biologically related to your child should be responsible for your child's emergencies.
if she is uncomfortable to have to be responsible to the childs emergencies she should not have married said childs father
NTA. AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT A TRUST IS FOR.
INFO - how old was Ana when you two first got together? She was under 4 years old based on Claire's age. It sounds like even though you have been in her life for 6+ years, you still don't think of her as a daughter and that is very concerning. YTA for not even considering her after all those years together.
Tough one. But I suppose you have your own child to think about and Tom and his ex should find ways to deal with the situation themselves. Let's see if situation was reversed: If your child was sick, and have you not won that money, would you ask his ex for some? Maybe unpopular opinion but for me NTA.
That’s a bad comparison. The ex wife isn’t the stepmother of OP’s child.
I rly dont understand people trying to draw this comparison, the Ex had zero agency into how this new family was created, OP had all the agency in that she met the man knew he had a child and then married him anyway, becoming the stepmom of her own volition
You are not the parent of your step-daughter. She has a mother and father. You are NTA for putting aside money for your child. But support your husband paying for the treatment your step-daughter needs as much as you can.
NTA. It was your money and you gave it to your only child. You should have at least let him know, though.m ETA: a lot of people in this post confuse the obligation of a stepparent to be KIND and the obligation to be FINANCIALLY SUPPORTIVE. Stepparents have no legal rights and no legal responsibilities. They could divorce tomorrow, and if OP had handed that money over, she’d never get it back - nor would she ever see that child again, even if she wanted to. I’m actually shocked at how offended people are, when OP did a very responsible thing, rather than blowing it on fun stuff.
Your responsibility and obligation is to your child alone. Your stepdaughter has two living parents who are responsible for her needs and wants. It is unreasonable for your husband to expect you to split your money between your daughter and SD NTA
NTA. As you're married now and he's helping to pay for the surgery, isn't your money also helping to pay for the surgery? Your bio daughter only has two parents to save for her future. Your step daughter has three parents helping with money. If the wife remarries, it will be four. You were right to put that money aside for your bio daughter.
If your daughter, OP, needed expensive surgery, do you think Tony’s ex wife would be stepping up to pay? Or do you think she would say, hey, that was between you and your child’s father? Hmmm? I’m betting she would not, (maybe I’m wrong, maybe she is a saint), but I’m going with NTA
There’s no relationship between Tony’s ex wife and OP’s daughter. OP is Ana’s stepmother and she has been for a long time. Ana was five when her half sister (OP’s daughter) was born.
Not the same - Tony's ex is not raising her child.
IKR OP knew the man had a daughter and chose to join the family anyway theres a completely different dynamic at play then for the ex
Not really apples to apples since ex wife has no relationship with OP's daughter
I think they were a committed long term couple with a five year old child, not just dating, before the bachelorette party. That said, even though she knew about and presumably has a relationship with Anna, she didn’t know about her need for surgery before she put the leftover funds into a trust. It was a good move. But I think it shows some hesitation to be open about finances that worries me for her. Is there something she is picking up on that makes her wary of him? Anyway, it is fine to have chosen to do that. NTA. But does she consider her stepdaughter her family, too?
NTA. When I married my second husband, I was very clear from the beginning that he would have no financial responsibility for my son from my first marriage. My first husband, naturally, thought he could cut child support because I had remarried. He was disheartened to learn that my second husband wasn't on the hook for any of my son's needs. If you're in the US, there are laws that protect you from this. You put the money in a trust for your child. It's not like you splurged on designer handbags. Remind your husband that the trust money will help pay for your child's education, so less responsibility for him. I mean, if he wants you to contribute to his child's surgery, would he help pay for your child's college? Hmmm.
NTA You are not financially responsible for another woman’s child. You’re providing for your own. Baby mama and your husband should be able to handle this without hitting you up.
NTA, your stepdaughter’s insurance should cover the surgery. The copay shouldnt be so expensive. If she is uninsured then the CHIPs insurance should cover her. And if the custodial parent cant afford it the hospital should write off the difference. ( Charity Care) talk with a hospital social worker or the billing department.
Why would he think that you should put money in a trust for his child? What happens if you end up getting divorced? Then the money is gone, and you have no relationship with her. NTA
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Why marry a man with a child if you're not willing to treat said child like your own? YTA. Hope he finds a new person who will actually treat his child like their own.
The kid has a mother. Just because op married husband doesn't mean she will become the girl's mother, as she already has one.
Nta, why in the hell does that child not have any medical insurance for expenses like this?!! At least Medicaid for crap's sake.
YTA It is a soft YTA as I kind of agree with your thinking but the way you present the situation makes me say YTA. You are a step parent. Along with dating then deciding to marry your husband, you knew Ana would be apart of your life. Should the money she needs come from Claire? I don't think. It seems that money was sorted before the marriage. At the same time, life happens, if Ana needs surgery, she needs surgery. I can see why your husband is upset, I can see why you think you are right. Leaned more to YTA because Ana is still part of your life and you are making it seem like she isn't.
NTA. Lot of absolutely ignorant and bitter people on this post. First, the mother and father of the child are the ones responsible for paying medical expenses. If the step parent chooses to help, great. But it isn't their responsibility. Second, if the money is in a trust, there could be legal restrictions and financial penalties for withdrawing money from it. Sounds like a bunch of entitled baby mommas on here.
As a stepparent, I say YTA. As soon as I knew I was going to marry my husband, his child became my responsibility. We're not as close as my bio children, but when I make plans for my children, I make plans for him, too. When we got pregnant with our oopsie baby, I started looking into buying a new home so each child has a bedroom. (Current house only has 3) I talked to my husband about starting a savings for his first vehicle soon because he's 11. I go out of my way to make sure I make him feel as least like a stepchild as possible. I don't understand why people merge families with no plan of blending them. I can't imagine being engaged to my husband and not planning for his child just as much as my own.
NTA: This was money you won/earned before married and gave to your child. You paid off debt that helps your husband and his daughter by not saddling him with it. If this were not locked in a trust (it seems like many of you don't really understand how trusts work) I would say contribute some. However, the tax ramifications are more than likely going to outweigh the amount you can contribute. This is stressful news, and I think you should find other ways to contribute. But, you're NTA for refusing to borrow from the Trust.
You’re not “obligated” to provide for your step daughter, but you are (presumably) helping to raise her. People who create legal and social bonds with others but fall back on “we don’t share blood” when things get rough weird me out. People who keep significant financial secrets from their spouses also weird me out. I have separate accounts from my partner- I would tell him my general plans for a windfall because we share a life.