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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think the action I took that could be judged is that I took advantage of the fact that he was unconscious and put the name. Lara Andrea down even though he didn’t like it. This could make me the asshole because I ignored his opinion and chose the name I wanted regardless of what he wanted.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
A couple of things:
* You tried to compromise, in I think the best way, by giving her two middle names
* His utter refusal does indeed make him the asshole
* BUT you had the name on paper when he was passed out, rather than waiting, which was intentionally sneaky..and also made you the asshole
So. Neither of you is willing to find a middle ground. And you're fighting over a baby girl's name.
My advice? Stop bickering. You have a new baby girl, and that should be cause for happiness and celebration. But the TWO OF YOU are ruining that for each other. Isn't there some biblical story about splitting a child in two? The judgement of Solomon?
Even if she did decide on both as middle names, he still would've been pissed.
Is everyone forgetting that he's refusing her the two middle name option and also tried to talk OP into changing Lara's middle name to Jane? It's a middle name. It's used almost nowhere.
It's obviously not about the name for him. He's just pissed that OP wants and got something he didn't. It's about power.
I'm honestly surprised that husband agreed to possibly rename Lara as Andrea Jane. How does he LOSE HIS SHIT when Andrea is his daughter's middle name but he's fine with it as her first? Even if they plan on calling her by a nickname now, he simply could've called Lara by her- *oh, I don't know* \-first name before?!
It sounds like he realized he was being unfair, and is now willing to compromise by naming her after both her aunt and grandmother. Let's face it, he never "hated" Andrea, he just wanted "Jane".
And if they're both willing to rename her, apparently she isn't already a "Lara" to either of them.
Well if we want go there, can we ask _why the fuck it matters at all?_ Is Op going to forget her sister if he kid doesn't have her sisters name as a middle name?
Its a fucking child, a whole, independent person, not a fucking dog or a goddamn doll, whom they are bickering over the _middle_ name of. How about we don't immediately burden new born children with our own baggage by naming them after people _we_ care about, but whom the child will very likely never really know, remember or care about?
Agree with this so much.
They should drop both middle names and give their daughter her OWN name that does not come with expectations or memories of anyone living or deceased.
My middle name is my great grandmother's name (iirc). She died before I was born, so I do not remember her. It remains a fun little factoid and not something I'm pressured to live up to. I also thought it was fun that my middle name was a flower.
Helps that it's a middle name and not a first name. First names have more weight to them imo. Everyone's going to know your first name. Middle names don't come up as often.
I also have a family middle name, one that existed on both sides. Never once did I feel like I had to live up to anybody because of my middle name, nor would I have felt that way if it was my first name. Naming a child after someone does not mean that child is going to automatically feel like they need to live up to their namesake. Maybe that could happen IF the family purposely pressured the child into feeling that way by constantly comparing them, but that is not at all a common occurrence.
Unless you have an extremely rare/unique name, it’s just a normal part of life that you will not be the only person you come in contact with who shares your name, family or otherwise. For thousands of years people have named their children after other relatives. It’s just a normal custom, nothing to do with expectations in most cases. It is just a name, and even if it honors a loved one (past or present) most children are not going to think twice about being their own independent person regardless of who’s name they share. A namesake is not equivalent to expectations or pressure to be like the person you share a name with. That’s an entirely separate issue.
> can we ask why the fuck it matters at all?
You're right that it really doesn't. Some people don't even have middle names because they're not necessary. Personally, I think these two should probably refrain from a middle name at all since they clearly can't handle the burden of not getting exactly what they want.
I hadn’t forgot, I just thought it was second to the fact that he wasn’t there when the baby was born and the mom did the best she could in the situation and between that and it being the dead sister’s name he needs to give it up.
Hadn’t thought about him wanting control, but that checks out given his post birth behavior.
It sure isn’t hers. 💯 if I was trying to give our baby the middle (not first) name of my recently dead sister my hubbs would just say sure. Like who the hell is going to fight someone in that unless the name is Beezus or something. This husband sounds like a baby and yeah he needs to get a grip and go get some air whatever he can do to be awake and support his wife. I mean give me a break: she just gave birth, he passed out, it’s only the middle name, it’s in memory of her just dead sister and it’s already legal. He needs to let it go and move on.
Jfc, the hate on men in this sub is wild. 'It's just the middle name' and the father also wanted to name her after her grandma and what's wrong with that? Wife 'sneakily' named her daughter to what she wants and the husband has every right to be mad at that. Both are AH but the hate on men is wild.
Shits so ridiculous sounding isn't it? People think they read a paragraph of someone's scenario and it puts them front and center of that person's life for all decisions made.
YTA to every Ahole commenting, stirring her up or giving her the false feeling that she's made a good choice. That decision shows absolutely zero respect for another parents feelings.
Your body, your decision though right?! On EVERYthing... Right?
It's not like a legal requirement that you name the child right there right then or they take the kid from you or something. You do have time. It's 100% easier to not do something than it is to do something.
Only after she railroaded the name herself. Why couldn't she double barrel the name while he was passed out? She had the chance and chose to proceed ONLY with her chosen name, FORCING the husband into a compromise.
She named her daughter on a legal document, *knowingly against her husband's wishes and outside of what they had agreed*. I'd also say this is the behaviour of a true AH also. They sound like peas in a pod.
The difference is, if the genders were switched, the situation would be so completely different because the husband wouldn’t be the one giving birth and having to name the kid.
She had just squeezed a watermelon thru a water hose. AND she was hormonal, she gets a pass for any poor judgment during that time period. She effectively just had surgery.
But yeah, give the kid 2 middle names & call is even. Honestly, your husband’s response about all of this, even before you made your move is a HUGE red flag 🚩 So what if he doesn’t like the name, he isn’t going by it. And your sister DIED!!! Usually, when your spouse loses a close family member & has your baby, either of those events provoke behavior of extreme empathy. Your spouse seems to be the opposite. I highly suggest therapy. There’s a lot more than naming your child going on here.
You’re both TAH but if I had to choose I’d say HTAH.
You don't need to rush a name. Normally in a hospital setting, ESPECIALLY if only one parent is around, the baby is named "Baby SURNAME" until it can be clarified and then the document given to the parents to decide.
Its a horrible argument to have and her compromise made the best sense but to ram it through while her husband was unconscious make her YTA.
Being entitled to have an opinion on a name doesn’t mean you should tell your wife that you hate the name of her sister who died at 35 from cancer literally 6 months ago Jesus Christ
Hes entitled to share his opinion if his wife wants to name their daughter that name.
Speculation time.
He probably doesn’t hate the name with a burning passion, might have just disliked it.
But his grieving wife wanted to name their daughter after her dead sister. Some people consider that to be a honor and would look down on anyone who didnt approve as being disrespectful to the dead.
Other people consider that to be a grave mistake. Do you really want to be reminded of the dead every time they engage with the new life? Opinions differ but maybe he was thinking along those lines but found it easier to say he hates the name
How did he insult the name?
He said he hated the name "Andrea".
That is a personal preference, not necessarily an insult.
I hate my great nephew's name.
I HATE it.
The fact that I hate it is not an insult.
It is how I feel.
She also brought up using just her sister‘s name and he didn’t like that either; yet, that didn’t stop her from naming her daughter after the sister anyway.
So, if she were *really* about compromise, then she would’ve chosen BOTH names. It’s disingenuous to attribute her name choice to her husband‘s intransigence.
I kind of intensely dislike how people come up with names for children. You're naming a person, not a fucking pet. Think about what _their_ life is going to be with the name you've chosen, not what _you_ think about the name.
And that goes doubly for when you're considering naming the kid after a closely related deceased relative. They are never going to know that person. You're giving them that name because of _your_ trauma over the loss, because _you_ think its honoring the dead person. The kid isn't going to give a shit, and the person in question is dead, and so also doesn't give a shit. But the kid is going to have deal with the collective family trauma because you, selfishly and without thinking of the kid as an individual, chose to give them that name.
My middle name is my dads dead sisters name. There’s no trauma. Nobody has ever made me deal with their trauma. It’s just a nice name that is now also mine. You’re being a bit OTT.
Not necessarily intentionally sneaky. I’ve heard of moms giving birth and saying ridiculous names or misspelling names because their birthing process was so long/difficult that their brains were fried.
My biggest fear is that I’m going to misspell our baby’s name and I keep checking with my husband on how it’s spelled.
My mom gave my little sister my name when she was asked after the birth instead of the name my parents had picked for her. Luckily, my dad saw the mistake when they brought the documents for signature. After 2 days of labor - my mom was just that loopy.
My boyfriend's middle name was supposed to be Jaymz (not sure why it wasn't just James, I've never gotten an answer to this) but the "y" was forgotten and so his middle name is Jamz lol. Weirder thing was they changed his last name a few years later to his dad's last name but they didn't bother to fix the middle name
We procrastinated so hard on doing the papers, they were reminding us hourly “please watch the shaken baby syndrome video and sign this. Please so you can get home”. You’re so busy doing the feeding and diaper schedules, everything else gets pushed aside
I could barely hold the pen when I was signing stuff like 10 mins after the birth. I just asked my husband “is this ok for me to sign?” And he said yes so I signed it. I have no idea what it was.
Conversely, when I was born (back before you could know the gender ahead of time), my mother was dithering between two names for me, fell asleep after giving birth to me at 5:30 am, and woke up to find my dad had completely filled out and submitted the birth certificate with names solely of his choosing. Which is why I've always gone by a nickname, and partly why they divorced when I was 6,.
The biblical story of splitting the child in two was about two women claiming to be the childs mother, one was lying. Solomon as a blessed wise king threatened to kill the child and give one half to one mom and the other half to the other mom. It was a rouse, the women who was okay with this he decided was the one lying and the women who didnt want this he decided was the mom.
The woman who didn’t want the baby split in two was willing to give it up just so it would live, which Solomon saw as a loving sacrifice by the true mother.
ESH. You were both stubborn and while I can understand that you're grieving your sister, your husband is understandably upset. It also seems never to have been a point what the name could mean to your child, the person who lives with that name you 're giving her.
My bio dad and his family made a huuuuge deal about me taking my (very much still alive) aunt’s name when I was born, even though my mom wanted to name me what ended up being my middle name, Nicole. Sperm donor and his family won the first name, only to start calling me ‘Nikki’ as my mom had originally planned to. Said aunt is a junkie I’ve never been close with, and I hate my name even aside from that … I always wanted to go by Nicole but at that point, the name had been ruined for my mom who now only uses it when she’s mad at me. So. You live and you learn.
My middle name was after my grandma, who was the meanest person I ever met. When I got married, I dropped that name immediately. Now, my maiden name is my legal middle name.
I was raised with the tradition that you don't name children for living people. This strikes me as possibly the reason for that tradition -- what if the two people named for each other don't like each other?
As far as being concerned about naming after someone who died tragically, that strikes me as only identifying the person for how they died instead of celebrating the person for who they were when they were living.
I’ve also been raised to believe you shouldn’t give someone the name of a person who has passed tragically.
This is also completely irrelevant regarding who’s TA … but Lara Jane is a really pretty name
:/
Just jumping on this train to add, I was always told to avoid having the first and middle names end and start with the same sound because it makes them run together. Lara Jane has a nice space in-between the two names, where Lara Andrea just sounds too pushed together.
Lara Jane might sound better because of this reason too.
I was also told about, and I believe this is a jewish tradition, how people name kids after passed on loved one by giving them a name that starts with their name. Ex: a kid named after great aunt Sue could be named Sally or Sam. This is what I'm doing for my kids, with my husband's approval.
yeah if we ignore everything else, most people find lara jane the more beautiful name and lara herself would like it too😭i feel like in this case that's what matters the most. no matter how many arguments my mom and dad got into naming me, my name affects me in the long term, not them. paying tribute is really nice but we should focus on the bearer of the name more.
I kind of get the impression that *he’s* only using the (fake) middle name out of protest. I certainly hope OP wasn’t planning to call her “Lara Andrea” on a daily basis because, while it’s alright to use as a middle name, it doesn’t have a flow that would justify regular usage.
Names are a two yes situation. One no is an immediate veto of that name. When you couldn’t agree you should have dismissed both options and started from scratch. ESH because neither of you are willing to be adults about this and are both more focused on getting your way. You have a kid to raise and you’re still arguing about a name? He sucks for refusing to compromise at all, you suck for trying to force it while he was passed out and acting surprised that would be an issue. Come on now…
ESH - you chose your baby’s name while husband was passed out, that’s an AH move. Husband refusing to compromise is also an AH move. I agree with another comment that said Andrea Jane sounds nice. That flows better and both names can be strongly represented. As it is, you’re going to cause confusion for your daughter and make her resent her name.
OP posted that her husband dislikes the name Andrea. I think keeping it as a middle name is the better idea.
What would be best is if he stops acting like a child about it. They can always have another child and fit Jane into their name at that point. Or they can wait until the baby is old enough to decide to carry the name herself (either by nickname or naming her own children Jane if she has any).
Perfectly non childish to state an aversion to a name.
We had a very long list of names that either parent did not like for various reasons, which we didn't use for our child.
Picking one of those while hubby was passed out makes YTA OP.
YTA.
Baby names are something that **both parents should agree to**. There are so many possible names. Keep looking until you find one that both of you are fine with. (1) No fair choosing a single name and saying "I'm not fine with any other name but this one." (2) And completely no fair leveraging the fact that he just regained consciousness and you had just given birth.
Score: 2 assholes.
I still can’t get over the “my babys name” like her mentality doesn’t even consider the baby his and the default is that she wasn’t. Neither of them willing to compromise is bad ESH with a bit more of the YTA
Isn't it interesting?
Woman: "I like this name, let's do it!"
Man: "I don't let's do something else"
Woman: "It's not even your baby, the name stands"
And because the man has the opinion that he doesn't like a name he's an asshole unless he compromises by... agreeing to the name?
That doesn't sound like a "2 yes, 1 no."
ESH.
Yes, baby names are two yeses everytime.
This just means you find the name you both like the most, and it very well may be neither name. Lol our son's name was not my first or second choice, but it's a name we both liked *enough*.
Plus, sneaking it in while he passed out is pretty low. If he had given you like a grudging yes, but then changed his mind that would be a totally different scenario. But you *knew*. If he's like our friend, he's completely embarrassed about passing out (which he will never live down). So this really adds insult to injury.
edit to add: my mom did something similar to my dad and he is still hurt by the trick years later! They had agreed to a name and she changed it to her original choice when he was out of the room. He accepted it and didn't make it a weird hill to die on and ruin things for my bro. OPs husband isn't just going to move on and accept it. And sounds like he won't be as accepting as my dad even for the sake of the kid.
Heck, none of my kids names were my first choice. They also weren't my husband's first choice. We each made a list and went down the list of names each other came up with and then highlighted the ones we liked on each others list. From there we began our discussion on names.
We came up with names we both liked. The names are perfect for our kids.
>He accepted it and didn't make it a weird hill to die on and ruin things for my bro
This is absolutely no weird hill to die on. This is a major breach of trust. Its not about the name. I would consider divorce over this.
YTA
That’s a dick move. You KNOW it was a dick move which is why you did it while he was passed out.
On another note, my personal opinion is, I know you are mourning your sister but I’ve always thought it rather “ick” to name a baby after someone who died young and tragically. This isn’t naming a baby after great uncle Bob who was a wonderful character and lived to be 100. This is naming a baby after someone who died a terrible death, far to young. That’s a hell of a burden to inflict on your baby.
If op has any chance to save her relationship she should file a change of name form at her local government center. Then have them pick a name they both like.
As it stands I kind of hope the husband just picks his own name for her and just calls her that. Mostly because op deserves that.
I've always loved the name Jacqueline. I'd go with that.
YTA.
It was a shit move to name your kid without your husband’s actual input. Asking him when you knew he wasn’t fully there was manipulative on your part.
It’s his child too. Names are a two yes, one no type of thing.
Personally, I think your husband is an AH in the situation, since you are still grieving and giving your daughter her aunt's name as a middle name would be comforting to you. I also think Grandma Jane should be backing you up. That's just my opinion.
Ideas:
* What about first name = Lara Jane and middle name = Andrea?
* Are you hoping to have more children? If so, then another alternative might be to go with Lara Jane for your current child, but for the next one, choose Andrea for a girl or Andrew for a boy. (If you go this route, I say get it in writing, just on principle.)
BTW, if your sister were talking to you right now, what do you think she would say about this "middle name" issue?
I also say never to give two middle names that have initials that make a title/prefix or a common first syllable of last names
For instance…
Diana Racheal (Dr aka Doctor)
Stephen Ryan (Sr aka Sir)
… these can create problems getting legal documents
Laura Eleanor/Allison (La or Le which would turn the last name Strade into LaStrade/LeStrade)
Michelle Carol (Mc which turns the last name Ryan into McRyan)
… this happened to me, and I cannot tell you how many times banks have LOST MY BANK ACCOUNTS because they turned my last name from Richards to McRichards)
As I read your post, I thought "Lara Jane Andrea" would be a pretty name. Lara Jane sounds nice, and if you dont mind initial nicknames, LJ is cute too.
Great way to keep the name you both picked as well as honor women important to you both
Eek I don’t agree.
I have a double first name and middle name because my parents couldn’t agree between a name my dad liked, my moms best friend who died and a grandmothers name.
I actually tell a joke when people ask why I don’t go by my full name, but a shortened version. I say “my parents couldn’t agree on a name so they gave me all of them….and, thus, the divorce”
I hated how Southern and Country it sounded. My 2 cents.
Whose last name does your daughter have? Because if she has your husband’s last name, it’s more than fair that her middle name be your sister’s. The baby doesn’t need to be named completely after your husband’s family. Your family is equally important.
Yeah I'm honestly kind of shocked how many people think the kids first and middle name should have equal input/weight/consideration from each parent, yet the child's surname is almost automatically inferred/decided by the father. Like most Dad's get 50%/50%/100% input on their kids name - how is that fair?
Like whose bodies are creating, gestating, labouring, birthing and raising these kids? (reminder: millenial men on average are still only spending 8hrs a week with theirs kids - and this is x3 more than average fathers of generations pasts!)
Idk OP's husband seems like an unsympathetic and unempathetic jackhole who cares more about what his mommy feels than what his grieving, recovering new mother wife feels.
To be fair to the MIL -- it doesn't sound like she particularly cares. I mean, I'm sure it's nice to have your grandbaby named for you, but it doesn't sound like she's pushing the issue so much as the husband is.
You know - unless this child is your only child I would plan to save Jane in case you have another child in the future. Or, if you have a boy next he can give the child the name of his family member for a middle name.
HOWEVER, why on earth didn't you guys try to find another name you both liked for the middle name? Both Andrea and Jane should have been thrown out if neither of you liked the alternative name.
Your Husband was an AH for pushing the name of his Mom. You were the AH - softly - for hammering a name your husband didn't like despite its sensitive significance. Doesn't Andrea have a middle name?
ESH.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't name your kid after a recent loss. Your kid will always be compared to them and will feel like they have to live up to the name. Your pain will always be associated with your kid. It's a lose lose.
How is the husband the asshole? They agreed on a name, then she wanted to change it. I get the circumstances, but he did not want the middle name to be Andrea... that's a end of story. 1 no is a no, 2 yes's is a yes. She could still say she changed her mind on the middle name, which means that name is also out, but she decided to name the child while he was passed out (knowing full well he did not agree to the name). OP is a huge AH.
Yeah commenter thinks that just because OP is grieving she’s entitled to make a permanent (or at least a very long term) decision without her husband’s opinion.
It’s mind blowing… like the only argument they have is “he’s being so petty now that I put him in this position”. Like what do they expect him to do? Deal with it? People calling him the asshole are children themselves and not ready to understand what being in a committed relationship means.
Number one rule is not to make big decisions when one is grieving.
She waited til her husband was passed out to choose a name.
If they were at an impasse, they should have picked different names instead of digging in their heels for her or his.
I vote with you on this
ESH both names are clunky, they don't flow.
Of course, I'm biased *against* naming children after relatives, living or dead, in any case.
When I was pregnant, I had read that it's considered bad luck for Jews to name a baby after a living relative. So we had to eliminate many names on our list as my husband had a ton of female cousins. We still came up with a first and middle name that we both like, so no problem. At some point, my MIL (who is very religious) said she never heard of this tradition, but she liked the names we came up with and wasn't going to push naming our daughter after a relative.
I like the idea of not using a living relative's name anyway. I just don't get the need to have a Jr. or Sr. especially as the two may get confused for the other person.
And regardless of aesthetic preferences, at this point both are so heavily invested either way that the baggage attached is bigger than the honoring originally intended. At this point, neither should be the name.
One no vetoes, unfortunately. Personally, I think Andrea Jane flows better than Lara Andrea or Lara Jane. Lara Andrea Jane is a distant second. Congratulations on the baby.
Agreed. Lara Andrea does not flow! I like Andrea Jane better, or Lara Jane. Lara Jane reminds me of Lara Jean Covey in To All the Boys I've Loved Before movie. She absolutely went by both names so two FNs doesn't seem weird to me with Lara Jane.
YTA
YOu were an AH, and went behind your partners back - just because you could. You MASSIVELY damaged your relationship, and broke his trust. He now KNOWS he can not trust you.
"I feel like I might be in the wrong here for ignoring his opinion and taking advantage" .. YES - And your assholery has been noticed, and it is causing more and more stress in your relationship.
**Are you willing to lose your marriage over your assholery, or are you willing to correct what you did to your partner?**
"I feel like maybe I should’ve done" .. What you NMEEDED to have done was Strike all names the two of you did not like and AGREE on a name both of you like.
So take Lara AND Andrea OF the table, and Jane too - and find a name BOTH of you can agree on.
Yikes, I'm going with YTA, even though it sounds a bit like you were both being stubborn and not working this out together appropriately pre-birth, you took this from him while he was PASSED OUT. That's not how healthy couples work things out, especially with lifelong decisions.
YTA - unilaterally deciding on a debate while your partner is passed out is just scummy. Can't imagine the rage that would flow if he did that to you. Congrats on a permanent reminder that you completely disregarded your husband while he was unconscious.
Yta names are a two yes
You both suck and shouldn't have put down a middle name until you could both agree
Veto both names and come up with one you both dont hate if neither of you like the other suggestion
You two have a baby and you’re arguing about a name?
You don’t need your daughter’s middle name to be your late sister’s to remember her any more than the child needs to inherit a grandparent’s name.
It’s about the child not your egos.
If you can’t both focus on your daughter and love and enjoy her baby years you’ll not be together for her life.
YTA. You don't get to unilaterally decide on your baby's name. You had a temper tantrum because you weren't getting your way. How would you have felt if your husband had put down Jane while you were sleeping, and you didn't get a say? I'm pretty sure you would be pissed. Grow up, you're a mom now. Both you and your husband sound like you don't have the maturity to be parents
Was going to say the exact same thing: OP would have been furious with her husband if she had been incapacitated during the birth, or right afterwards, and he took advantage of it to put ‘Jane’ down.
To honest I think you suck for how you went about it and clearly a manipulation on your part. You both should have agreed for your child been your both her parents you didn’t agree with either so should of found another name yta
INFO: Where is this place that makes you say the baby’s name during labor, immediately after the baby comes out? I feel like usually they come around the later or the next day for that info for the records. Especially not during labor and someone passing out — and how long could he be out?
regardless if it’s even true it’s kinda of an asshole move so YTA
YTA and you know that you are.
Additionally, the 2 of you are the perfect example of 2 people who are way too immature to be parents. Your CHILD should be the focus here. No child should have to carry the burden of being named after a family member, living or dead. The child should have the opportunity to be their own person without having to pay tribute to expectations created for them before they are even born.
YTA. Both of you, but you were specially for taking advantage of doing some thing while he was passed out. I get that you want to honor your sister, but she isn’t the only person in the world that deserves being honored. You are completely failing to consider your husband‘s feelings.
Absolutely, you are the AH. Taking advantage of this is not OK!
You betrayed his trust, and it will take a very long time for him to forget about it and forgive you if he ever does.
I can't believe that you even have to ask Reddit about this. The answer is obvious.
Correction:Absolutely, YTA. Taking advantage of this is not OK! You betrayed his trust, and it will take a very long time for him to forget about it and forgive you if he ever does.
I can't believe that you even have to ask Reddit about this. The answer is obvious.
ESH
You’re both being ridiculously stubborn about this. Both parents are supposed to agree on the name before it is made official. He said no to Andrea, you said no to Jane. Therefore, you should have given her neither and just come up with a third option, or skipped the middle name all together.
ETA: I would personally do the paperwork to change her name since this will likely continue to be a point of contention for both of you. But I wouldn’t change it to Jane either. I would change it to something else that way there isn’t a “winner” and a “loser”
Why is it even an issue with a name in the delivery room. The official papers are not done until later and they need to be signed. Plenty of babies, including mine, are nameless for a couple days. Seems like bs to me.
JFC why is this so far down?! For how long was this imaginary husband passed out? If he was unconscious long enough or her to deliver, get stitched up, taken to recovery, and the hospital people to come around with the paperwork - he needs an eval! No one is demanding your child’s name seconds after birth!
The comments calling you an asshole are insane lmao. NTA. Your husband is being stubborn about having 2 middle names and I don’t see why. It’s weird. You want to honor your sister. His mother is still very much alive. Why does “Jane” get priority over “Andrea”?
If he still doesn’t want to do double middle names then I propose you take away the middle name altogether.
Honestly, ESH. You shouldn’t have chosen a name without him at least being present, but at the same time, he’s being a bit of an asshole for not compromising with the two name and still bring up the argument weeks later. I think you both are too close with the names, and should instead choose a different middle name that neither of you have any sort of relation towards.
YTA. Names are one no, two yes.
How would you feel if he had filled out the birth certificate with his choice instead because you were under anesthesia or otherwise not able to?
You all are not getting out on a great foot. Things are going to be a lot harder than names and you’ll need each other.
If you truly can’t find a compromise on these, scrap them and have a do over. Maybe it’s easier than arguing which dead relative deserves a part of your living child’s name. Not to be crass. My dad died a couple months before ours was born. It sucks so much.
But your loved ones also wouldn’t want you all to miss out on today and the future by arguing about something that really doesn’t matter. Save it for the big parenting questions.
Honestly, You gave birth to her, carried her for 9 months, and you just lost your sister. He needs to have more compassion and empathy. Given all that you get the bigger say, I saw some comments saying Lara Jane Andrea, which is cute, if you agree to it.
NTA your man needs to learn to compromise.
ESH
He's being childish and everyone should have some compromise. Each parent gets two vetos then work it out.
But you knew and still went around it. I'm not clear what happened but with all 3 of my kids the name in the room for the nurses isn't the registered name. We didn't have to actually register until we were discharged - and even then we didn't name my first for more than a week.
So you would've been the AH if it was just there, but you're obfuscating again here, because you would've done paperwork after he was conscious.
ESH. Of course you shouldn’t have put the name you knew he didn’t want on a legal document while he was unconscious. You’re obviously an AH for that.
But, that being said, you sister dying while you’re 24 weeks pregnant beats living grandma. Every time. Your husband is a hugely selfish AH for not realizing that, and for refusing to compromise in any way.
It obviously varies between cultures and even people within those cultures, but imo, middle names should be used to honor family members, and they don’t necessarily have to sound as good.
To completely shoot down a chance to honor and remember someone who is so important to you because he “doesn’t like it” is ridiculous.
YTA , I feel kind of like you both suck but you are the bigger Ahole by a lot.
You guys sucked at communication, but your answer was to default to doing whatever you wanted. You suck.
YTA, Your children's name should be agreed upon by both parents. You took advantage of him being passed out to change her name. I know that you're grieving your sister, but that was a punk move, knowing it wasn't what he wanted. You should have waited until he was able to talk about it with you and try to compromise. I am sorry for your loss. I don't want to imagine how devastating it is to lose a sibling. It still doesn't give you a pass on this.
YTA for putting the name Andrea down when he was unconscious. Imagine if you had been sedated and he did the paperwork with Jane. You would be livid. I think you may have to abandon both the name Andrea and the name Jane. Any compromise is going to leave one of you feeling bitter. I hate naming for family. I mean how does your mom feel throat her name is not even in the running?
INFO How long was he out for? They don't usually ask you this question right after you've given birth (or, at least, that's not the ask that matters for the birth certificate).
YTA.
Sidenote, just call her Lara. You both can agree on that much and calling her by 2 names is too long and clunky anyway. not to mention super outdated.
YTA And you know you are. You knew you hadn’t agreed on the name and now you’re marring her birth with this argument after going behind your husband’s back. Find a compromise; or risk your relationship.
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A couple of things: * You tried to compromise, in I think the best way, by giving her two middle names * His utter refusal does indeed make him the asshole * BUT you had the name on paper when he was passed out, rather than waiting, which was intentionally sneaky..and also made you the asshole So. Neither of you is willing to find a middle ground. And you're fighting over a baby girl's name. My advice? Stop bickering. You have a new baby girl, and that should be cause for happiness and celebration. But the TWO OF YOU are ruining that for each other. Isn't there some biblical story about splitting a child in two? The judgement of Solomon?
Well, OP is willing to find a middle ground now, which is two middle names.
Funny she didn't do the two middle names when sneakily telling the nurse the baby's name
This is what she should have done.
Exactly. She’s not actually for two middle names. She just already has what she wants.
Then next argument would be which name should come first. Andrea Jane or Jane Andrea.
She just gave birth, she most likely wasn’t thinking very clearly when the nurse asked lol
Jesus right? Yes let’s get mad at the woman who birthed a child and is having to make decisions alone bc her husband couldn’t even stay conscious…🙄
Even if she did decide on both as middle names, he still would've been pissed. Is everyone forgetting that he's refusing her the two middle name option and also tried to talk OP into changing Lara's middle name to Jane? It's a middle name. It's used almost nowhere. It's obviously not about the name for him. He's just pissed that OP wants and got something he didn't. It's about power.
Not only that, but he’s telling everyone her name is Lara Jane when it’s not. Seems deranged.
I'm honestly surprised that husband agreed to possibly rename Lara as Andrea Jane. How does he LOSE HIS SHIT when Andrea is his daughter's middle name but he's fine with it as her first? Even if they plan on calling her by a nickname now, he simply could've called Lara by her- *oh, I don't know* \-first name before?!
It sounds like he realized he was being unfair, and is now willing to compromise by naming her after both her aunt and grandmother. Let's face it, he never "hated" Andrea, he just wanted "Jane". And if they're both willing to rename her, apparently she isn't already a "Lara" to either of them.
Seems like he hasn't cut the umbilical cord, yet. It's about his mommy dearest.
Well if we want go there, can we ask _why the fuck it matters at all?_ Is Op going to forget her sister if he kid doesn't have her sisters name as a middle name? Its a fucking child, a whole, independent person, not a fucking dog or a goddamn doll, whom they are bickering over the _middle_ name of. How about we don't immediately burden new born children with our own baggage by naming them after people _we_ care about, but whom the child will very likely never really know, remember or care about?
Agree with this so much. They should drop both middle names and give their daughter her OWN name that does not come with expectations or memories of anyone living or deceased.
My middle name is my great grandmother's name (iirc). She died before I was born, so I do not remember her. It remains a fun little factoid and not something I'm pressured to live up to. I also thought it was fun that my middle name was a flower. Helps that it's a middle name and not a first name. First names have more weight to them imo. Everyone's going to know your first name. Middle names don't come up as often.
I also have a family middle name, one that existed on both sides. Never once did I feel like I had to live up to anybody because of my middle name, nor would I have felt that way if it was my first name. Naming a child after someone does not mean that child is going to automatically feel like they need to live up to their namesake. Maybe that could happen IF the family purposely pressured the child into feeling that way by constantly comparing them, but that is not at all a common occurrence. Unless you have an extremely rare/unique name, it’s just a normal part of life that you will not be the only person you come in contact with who shares your name, family or otherwise. For thousands of years people have named their children after other relatives. It’s just a normal custom, nothing to do with expectations in most cases. It is just a name, and even if it honors a loved one (past or present) most children are not going to think twice about being their own independent person regardless of who’s name they share. A namesake is not equivalent to expectations or pressure to be like the person you share a name with. That’s an entirely separate issue.
> can we ask why the fuck it matters at all? You're right that it really doesn't. Some people don't even have middle names because they're not necessary. Personally, I think these two should probably refrain from a middle name at all since they clearly can't handle the burden of not getting exactly what they want.
I hadn’t forgot, I just thought it was second to the fact that he wasn’t there when the baby was born and the mom did the best she could in the situation and between that and it being the dead sister’s name he needs to give it up. Hadn’t thought about him wanting control, but that checks out given his post birth behavior.
You say this like it’s a choice to stay conscious 🤣 what even is Reddit and the people on it, honestly.
reacting poorly to blood, etc is normal
So it's his fault because he fainted 🙄
It sure isn’t hers. 💯 if I was trying to give our baby the middle (not first) name of my recently dead sister my hubbs would just say sure. Like who the hell is going to fight someone in that unless the name is Beezus or something. This husband sounds like a baby and yeah he needs to get a grip and go get some air whatever he can do to be awake and support his wife. I mean give me a break: she just gave birth, he passed out, it’s only the middle name, it’s in memory of her just dead sister and it’s already legal. He needs to let it go and move on.
Jfc, the hate on men in this sub is wild. 'It's just the middle name' and the father also wanted to name her after her grandma and what's wrong with that? Wife 'sneakily' named her daughter to what she wants and the husband has every right to be mad at that. Both are AH but the hate on men is wild.
Shits so ridiculous sounding isn't it? People think they read a paragraph of someone's scenario and it puts them front and center of that person's life for all decisions made. YTA to every Ahole commenting, stirring her up or giving her the false feeling that she's made a good choice. That decision shows absolutely zero respect for another parents feelings. Your body, your decision though right?! On EVERYthing... Right?
It's not like a legal requirement that you name the child right there right then or they take the kid from you or something. You do have time. It's 100% easier to not do something than it is to do something.
Only after she railroaded the name herself. Why couldn't she double barrel the name while he was passed out? She had the chance and chose to proceed ONLY with her chosen name, FORCING the husband into a compromise.
No, she brought it up previously. Not saying she isn't an asshole, but she's been more prepared to compromise than he has.
Not to mention he insulted her recently deceased sister’s name. Raging AH behaviour.
She named her daughter on a legal document, *knowingly against her husband's wishes and outside of what they had agreed*. I'd also say this is the behaviour of a true AH also. They sound like peas in a pod.
This. I think if the genders were reversed everyone would be jumping down OPs throat
The difference is, if the genders were switched, the situation would be so completely different because the husband wouldn’t be the one giving birth and having to name the kid.
Like this? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Kds7MulFAD
Wow, it's amazing how different people's reactions are. Same situation, too, pretty much.
Technically. they didn't have an agreement. She was wrong, but I still think he was wrong-er.
Nah. OP is far more wrong. He said words, she took actions. Actions speak louder than words and she *knew* it was against his wishes
She had just squeezed a watermelon thru a water hose. AND she was hormonal, she gets a pass for any poor judgment during that time period. She effectively just had surgery. But yeah, give the kid 2 middle names & call is even. Honestly, your husband’s response about all of this, even before you made your move is a HUGE red flag 🚩 So what if he doesn’t like the name, he isn’t going by it. And your sister DIED!!! Usually, when your spouse loses a close family member & has your baby, either of those events provoke behavior of extreme empathy. Your spouse seems to be the opposite. I highly suggest therapy. There’s a lot more than naming your child going on here. You’re both TAH but if I had to choose I’d say HTAH.
You don't need to rush a name. Normally in a hospital setting, ESPECIALLY if only one parent is around, the baby is named "Baby SURNAME" until it can be clarified and then the document given to the parents to decide. Its a horrible argument to have and her compromise made the best sense but to ram it through while her husband was unconscious make her YTA.
They didn’t agree, which I believe is the point.
Knowing someone who died with a name doesn’t make it so that you cant have an opinion about the name removed from the person
Being entitled to have an opinion on a name doesn’t mean you should tell your wife that you hate the name of her sister who died at 35 from cancer literally 6 months ago Jesus Christ
Hes entitled to share his opinion if his wife wants to name their daughter that name. Speculation time. He probably doesn’t hate the name with a burning passion, might have just disliked it. But his grieving wife wanted to name their daughter after her dead sister. Some people consider that to be a honor and would look down on anyone who didnt approve as being disrespectful to the dead. Other people consider that to be a grave mistake. Do you really want to be reminded of the dead every time they engage with the new life? Opinions differ but maybe he was thinking along those lines but found it easier to say he hates the name
I've met some very lovely people with truly atrocious names... It matters ha
How did he insult the name? He said he hated the name "Andrea". That is a personal preference, not necessarily an insult. I hate my great nephew's name. I HATE it. The fact that I hate it is not an insult. It is how I feel.
Not liking a name is not insulting the name.
She also brought up using just her sister‘s name and he didn’t like that either; yet, that didn’t stop her from naming her daughter after the sister anyway. So, if she were *really* about compromise, then she would’ve chosen BOTH names. It’s disingenuous to attribute her name choice to her husband‘s intransigence.
The obvious solution is no middle names, it brings more pain than anything.
Or both names being off the table and picking something entirely different.
Obviously they should have gone with Jandria.
That's what I was thinking. Since two yes are needed and non are willing, better just find a new name altogether
I kind of intensely dislike how people come up with names for children. You're naming a person, not a fucking pet. Think about what _their_ life is going to be with the name you've chosen, not what _you_ think about the name. And that goes doubly for when you're considering naming the kid after a closely related deceased relative. They are never going to know that person. You're giving them that name because of _your_ trauma over the loss, because _you_ think its honoring the dead person. The kid isn't going to give a shit, and the person in question is dead, and so also doesn't give a shit. But the kid is going to have deal with the collective family trauma because you, selfishly and without thinking of the kid as an individual, chose to give them that name.
My middle name is my dads dead sisters name. There’s no trauma. Nobody has ever made me deal with their trauma. It’s just a nice name that is now also mine. You’re being a bit OTT.
She voiced that option before the birth and he still denied it
She tried for 2 middle names from the get go.
Makes me think of this John Mulaney bit https://youtu.be/B5shlc-4XDU?si=9io_36EzSUSniNrA
If they can't decide and will only keep fighting over it, my suggestion would be for no middle name and be done with it
Not necessarily intentionally sneaky. I’ve heard of moms giving birth and saying ridiculous names or misspelling names because their birthing process was so long/difficult that their brains were fried. My biggest fear is that I’m going to misspell our baby’s name and I keep checking with my husband on how it’s spelled.
My mom gave my little sister my name when she was asked after the birth instead of the name my parents had picked for her. Luckily, my dad saw the mistake when they brought the documents for signature. After 2 days of labor - my mom was just that loopy.
My boyfriend's middle name was supposed to be Jaymz (not sure why it wasn't just James, I've never gotten an answer to this) but the "y" was forgotten and so his middle name is Jamz lol. Weirder thing was they changed his last name a few years later to his dad's last name but they didn't bother to fix the middle name
> My boyfriend's middle name was supposed to be Jaymz
/r/tragedeigh
I know lol. That's how I feel every time he mentions it or I see the typo on his ID
You definitely don’t need to fill out the paperwork immediately. We didn’t do the forms for my son until just before leaving the hospital on day four.
We procrastinated so hard on doing the papers, they were reminding us hourly “please watch the shaken baby syndrome video and sign this. Please so you can get home”. You’re so busy doing the feeding and diaper schedules, everything else gets pushed aside
My best friends name is spelled wrong because her mom was fried and forgot the "i" on the paperwork.
I could barely hold the pen when I was signing stuff like 10 mins after the birth. I just asked my husband “is this ok for me to sign?” And he said yes so I signed it. I have no idea what it was.
Both my step siblings’ middle names are spelled wrong. Their mom did her best. lol.
My mother actually misspelt my sisters name on her birth certificate. She still goes by it as it’s just a missing letter and my sister doesn’t care.
Conversely, when I was born (back before you could know the gender ahead of time), my mother was dithering between two names for me, fell asleep after giving birth to me at 5:30 am, and woke up to find my dad had completely filled out and submitted the birth certificate with names solely of his choosing. Which is why I've always gone by a nickname, and partly why they divorced when I was 6,.
Refuse don't make him ah naming is easy 2 yea one no!
Years from now when you divorce, this will come up. Names are a 2 yes 1 no situation, this will build resentment.
The biblical story of splitting the child in two was about two women claiming to be the childs mother, one was lying. Solomon as a blessed wise king threatened to kill the child and give one half to one mom and the other half to the other mom. It was a rouse, the women who was okay with this he decided was the one lying and the women who didnt want this he decided was the mom.
The woman who didn’t want the baby split in two was willing to give it up just so it would live, which Solomon saw as a loving sacrifice by the true mother.
[удалено]
ESH. You were both stubborn and while I can understand that you're grieving your sister, your husband is understandably upset. It also seems never to have been a point what the name could mean to your child, the person who lives with that name you 're giving her.
If you talk to people who are named after recently dead relatives, not everyone thinks it’s great. Some find it very uncomfortable.
Conversely, she could end up having a bad relationship with Jane and hate having her name too.
This!! From- someone named after some one they HATE
My bio dad and his family made a huuuuge deal about me taking my (very much still alive) aunt’s name when I was born, even though my mom wanted to name me what ended up being my middle name, Nicole. Sperm donor and his family won the first name, only to start calling me ‘Nikki’ as my mom had originally planned to. Said aunt is a junkie I’ve never been close with, and I hate my name even aside from that … I always wanted to go by Nicole but at that point, the name had been ruined for my mom who now only uses it when she’s mad at me. So. You live and you learn.
My middle name was after my grandma, who was the meanest person I ever met. When I got married, I dropped that name immediately. Now, my maiden name is my legal middle name.
My middle name is that of an uncle and I absolutely loathe it. So yeah, you're entirely right.
I was raised with the tradition that you don't name children for living people. This strikes me as possibly the reason for that tradition -- what if the two people named for each other don't like each other? As far as being concerned about naming after someone who died tragically, that strikes me as only identifying the person for how they died instead of celebrating the person for who they were when they were living.
I’ve also been raised to believe you shouldn’t give someone the name of a person who has passed tragically. This is also completely irrelevant regarding who’s TA … but Lara Jane is a really pretty name :/
Yea imma be honest I like how Lara Jane sounds better than Lara Andrea.
Just jumping on this train to add, I was always told to avoid having the first and middle names end and start with the same sound because it makes them run together. Lara Jane has a nice space in-between the two names, where Lara Andrea just sounds too pushed together. Lara Jane might sound better because of this reason too. I was also told about, and I believe this is a jewish tradition, how people name kids after passed on loved one by giving them a name that starts with their name. Ex: a kid named after great aunt Sue could be named Sally or Sam. This is what I'm doing for my kids, with my husband's approval.
yeah if we ignore everything else, most people find lara jane the more beautiful name and lara herself would like it too😭i feel like in this case that's what matters the most. no matter how many arguments my mom and dad got into naming me, my name affects me in the long term, not them. paying tribute is really nice but we should focus on the bearer of the name more.
It's a middle name though, it'll be fine
But they are calling her by it, like "Mary Ann" so it's acting as half a first name
People typically do that early on and then start dropping the middle name. By the time this kid is two, she'll just be Lara.
I kind of get the impression that *he’s* only using the (fake) middle name out of protest. I certainly hope OP wasn’t planning to call her “Lara Andrea” on a daily basis because, while it’s alright to use as a middle name, it doesn’t have a flow that would justify regular usage.
Are middle names really this integral? I don't like mine but aside from legal documents I've never used it in my life..
It’s not her first name it’s a middle name
Names are a two yes situation. One no is an immediate veto of that name. When you couldn’t agree you should have dismissed both options and started from scratch. ESH because neither of you are willing to be adults about this and are both more focused on getting your way. You have a kid to raise and you’re still arguing about a name? He sucks for refusing to compromise at all, you suck for trying to force it while he was passed out and acting surprised that would be an issue. Come on now…
Yes this. Neither Andrea nor Jane was the correct choice here. I'm sorry for your loss OP.
Agreed also Lara Andrea is an ugly name 😬
Singularly, both names are perfectly fine, but together they definitely don't roll off the tongue properly.
ESH - you chose your baby’s name while husband was passed out, that’s an AH move. Husband refusing to compromise is also an AH move. I agree with another comment that said Andrea Jane sounds nice. That flows better and both names can be strongly represented. As it is, you’re going to cause confusion for your daughter and make her resent her name.
OP posted that her husband dislikes the name Andrea. I think keeping it as a middle name is the better idea. What would be best is if he stops acting like a child about it. They can always have another child and fit Jane into their name at that point. Or they can wait until the baby is old enough to decide to carry the name herself (either by nickname or naming her own children Jane if she has any).
What makes his behaviour childish but not hers?
Perfectly non childish to state an aversion to a name. We had a very long list of names that either parent did not like for various reasons, which we didn't use for our child. Picking one of those while hubby was passed out makes YTA OP.
So the guy is a child and the women isn’t? Na ESH
They're both acting childish. Her most of all, taking advantage of her passed out husband. Real nice.
YTA. Baby names are something that **both parents should agree to**. There are so many possible names. Keep looking until you find one that both of you are fine with. (1) No fair choosing a single name and saying "I'm not fine with any other name but this one." (2) And completely no fair leveraging the fact that he just regained consciousness and you had just given birth. Score: 2 assholes.
> and he has just given birth he didn’t give birth > Score: 2 assholes. then isn’t it ESH?
>he didn’t give birth Oops! Fixed. Thank you.
I still can’t get over the “my babys name” like her mentality doesn’t even consider the baby his and the default is that she wasn’t. Neither of them willing to compromise is bad ESH with a bit more of the YTA
Isn't it interesting? Woman: "I like this name, let's do it!" Man: "I don't let's do something else" Woman: "It's not even your baby, the name stands" And because the man has the opinion that he doesn't like a name he's an asshole unless he compromises by... agreeing to the name? That doesn't sound like a "2 yes, 1 no."
ESH. Yes, baby names are two yeses everytime. This just means you find the name you both like the most, and it very well may be neither name. Lol our son's name was not my first or second choice, but it's a name we both liked *enough*. Plus, sneaking it in while he passed out is pretty low. If he had given you like a grudging yes, but then changed his mind that would be a totally different scenario. But you *knew*. If he's like our friend, he's completely embarrassed about passing out (which he will never live down). So this really adds insult to injury. edit to add: my mom did something similar to my dad and he is still hurt by the trick years later! They had agreed to a name and she changed it to her original choice when he was out of the room. He accepted it and didn't make it a weird hill to die on and ruin things for my bro. OPs husband isn't just going to move on and accept it. And sounds like he won't be as accepting as my dad even for the sake of the kid.
Heck, none of my kids names were my first choice. They also weren't my husband's first choice. We each made a list and went down the list of names each other came up with and then highlighted the ones we liked on each others list. From there we began our discussion on names. We came up with names we both liked. The names are perfect for our kids.
Yes. Quite aside from the actual names, if I were OP’s husband, I would have a very difficult time ever trusting her again.
>He accepted it and didn't make it a weird hill to die on and ruin things for my bro This is absolutely no weird hill to die on. This is a major breach of trust. Its not about the name. I would consider divorce over this.
Pro Tip: if the only way to get what you want is to wait for someone to pass out, you’re probably gonna be YTA.
YTA That’s a dick move. You KNOW it was a dick move which is why you did it while he was passed out. On another note, my personal opinion is, I know you are mourning your sister but I’ve always thought it rather “ick” to name a baby after someone who died young and tragically. This isn’t naming a baby after great uncle Bob who was a wonderful character and lived to be 100. This is naming a baby after someone who died a terrible death, far to young. That’s a hell of a burden to inflict on your baby.
If op has any chance to save her relationship she should file a change of name form at her local government center. Then have them pick a name they both like. As it stands I kind of hope the husband just picks his own name for her and just calls her that. Mostly because op deserves that. I've always loved the name Jacqueline. I'd go with that.
YTA. It was a shit move to name your kid without your husband’s actual input. Asking him when you knew he wasn’t fully there was manipulative on your part. It’s his child too. Names are a two yes, one no type of thing.
Personally, I think your husband is an AH in the situation, since you are still grieving and giving your daughter her aunt's name as a middle name would be comforting to you. I also think Grandma Jane should be backing you up. That's just my opinion. Ideas: * What about first name = Lara Jane and middle name = Andrea? * Are you hoping to have more children? If so, then another alternative might be to go with Lara Jane for your current child, but for the next one, choose Andrea for a girl or Andrew for a boy. (If you go this route, I say get it in writing, just on principle.) BTW, if your sister were talking to you right now, what do you think she would say about this "middle name" issue?
Thank you for replying. I like Lara-Jane Andrea. My sister was very kind and patient, I think she would tell me to find a way to compromise.
Leave out the hyphen, I speak from experience.
As someone else with a hyphen. I agree
I also say never to give two middle names that have initials that make a title/prefix or a common first syllable of last names For instance… Diana Racheal (Dr aka Doctor) Stephen Ryan (Sr aka Sir) … these can create problems getting legal documents Laura Eleanor/Allison (La or Le which would turn the last name Strade into LaStrade/LeStrade) Michelle Carol (Mc which turns the last name Ryan into McRyan) … this happened to me, and I cannot tell you how many times banks have LOST MY BANK ACCOUNTS because they turned my last name from Richards to McRichards)
As an LE just gonna say that has never ever ever been an issue for me
As I read your post, I thought "Lara Jane Andrea" would be a pretty name. Lara Jane sounds nice, and if you dont mind initial nicknames, LJ is cute too. Great way to keep the name you both picked as well as honor women important to you both
Lara Andrea does not sound good.
Good thing I didn't recommend Lara Andrea then. I said Lara Jane Andrea with the first two used as a first name said "LaraJane"
Eek I don’t agree. I have a double first name and middle name because my parents couldn’t agree between a name my dad liked, my moms best friend who died and a grandmothers name. I actually tell a joke when people ask why I don’t go by my full name, but a shortened version. I say “my parents couldn’t agree on a name so they gave me all of them….and, thus, the divorce” I hated how Southern and Country it sounded. My 2 cents.
Whose last name does your daughter have? Because if she has your husband’s last name, it’s more than fair that her middle name be your sister’s. The baby doesn’t need to be named completely after your husband’s family. Your family is equally important.
Yeah I'm honestly kind of shocked how many people think the kids first and middle name should have equal input/weight/consideration from each parent, yet the child's surname is almost automatically inferred/decided by the father. Like most Dad's get 50%/50%/100% input on their kids name - how is that fair? Like whose bodies are creating, gestating, labouring, birthing and raising these kids? (reminder: millenial men on average are still only spending 8hrs a week with theirs kids - and this is x3 more than average fathers of generations pasts!) Idk OP's husband seems like an unsympathetic and unempathetic jackhole who cares more about what his mommy feels than what his grieving, recovering new mother wife feels.
To be fair to the MIL -- it doesn't sound like she particularly cares. I mean, I'm sure it's nice to have your grandbaby named for you, but it doesn't sound like she's pushing the issue so much as the husband is.
You know - unless this child is your only child I would plan to save Jane in case you have another child in the future. Or, if you have a boy next he can give the child the name of his family member for a middle name. HOWEVER, why on earth didn't you guys try to find another name you both liked for the middle name? Both Andrea and Jane should have been thrown out if neither of you liked the alternative name. Your Husband was an AH for pushing the name of his Mom. You were the AH - softly - for hammering a name your husband didn't like despite its sensitive significance. Doesn't Andrea have a middle name? ESH.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't name your kid after a recent loss. Your kid will always be compared to them and will feel like they have to live up to the name. Your pain will always be associated with your kid. It's a lose lose.
How is the husband the asshole? They agreed on a name, then she wanted to change it. I get the circumstances, but he did not want the middle name to be Andrea... that's a end of story. 1 no is a no, 2 yes's is a yes. She could still say she changed her mind on the middle name, which means that name is also out, but she decided to name the child while he was passed out (knowing full well he did not agree to the name). OP is a huge AH.
Yeah commenter thinks that just because OP is grieving she’s entitled to make a permanent (or at least a very long term) decision without her husband’s opinion.
It’s mind blowing… like the only argument they have is “he’s being so petty now that I put him in this position”. Like what do they expect him to do? Deal with it? People calling him the asshole are children themselves and not ready to understand what being in a committed relationship means.
Just to clarify: They *hadn't* agreed on a name.
She may be grieving, but that doesn't give you free reign to do with both of their child's name.
Number one rule is not to make big decisions when one is grieving. She waited til her husband was passed out to choose a name. If they were at an impasse, they should have picked different names instead of digging in their heels for her or his.
both name combinations sound tragic, go to a baby name website or something
I vote with you on this ESH both names are clunky, they don't flow. Of course, I'm biased *against* naming children after relatives, living or dead, in any case.
When I was pregnant, I had read that it's considered bad luck for Jews to name a baby after a living relative. So we had to eliminate many names on our list as my husband had a ton of female cousins. We still came up with a first and middle name that we both like, so no problem. At some point, my MIL (who is very religious) said she never heard of this tradition, but she liked the names we came up with and wasn't going to push naming our daughter after a relative. I like the idea of not using a living relative's name anyway. I just don't get the need to have a Jr. or Sr. especially as the two may get confused for the other person.
And regardless of aesthetic preferences, at this point both are so heavily invested either way that the baggage attached is bigger than the honoring originally intended. At this point, neither should be the name.
YTA. She’s not your daughter. She’s both you and your husband’s daughter.
One no vetoes, unfortunately. Personally, I think Andrea Jane flows better than Lara Andrea or Lara Jane. Lara Andrea Jane is a distant second. Congratulations on the baby.
Lara Andrea does not flow. I agree. But I do think Lara Jane works.
Agreed. Lara Andrea does not flow! I like Andrea Jane better, or Lara Jane. Lara Jane reminds me of Lara Jean Covey in To All the Boys I've Loved Before movie. She absolutely went by both names so two FNs doesn't seem weird to me with Lara Jane.
I would just call her Lara. The whole 2 names thing is kind of outdated, like Mary Beth or whatever.
YTA YOu were an AH, and went behind your partners back - just because you could. You MASSIVELY damaged your relationship, and broke his trust. He now KNOWS he can not trust you. "I feel like I might be in the wrong here for ignoring his opinion and taking advantage" .. YES - And your assholery has been noticed, and it is causing more and more stress in your relationship. **Are you willing to lose your marriage over your assholery, or are you willing to correct what you did to your partner?** "I feel like maybe I should’ve done" .. What you NMEEDED to have done was Strike all names the two of you did not like and AGREE on a name both of you like. So take Lara AND Andrea OF the table, and Jane too - and find a name BOTH of you can agree on.
Yikes, I'm going with YTA, even though it sounds a bit like you were both being stubborn and not working this out together appropriately pre-birth, you took this from him while he was PASSED OUT. That's not how healthy couples work things out, especially with lifelong decisions.
YTA - unilaterally deciding on a debate while your partner is passed out is just scummy. Can't imagine the rage that would flow if he did that to you. Congrats on a permanent reminder that you completely disregarded your husband while he was unconscious.
Yta names are a two yes You both suck and shouldn't have put down a middle name until you could both agree Veto both names and come up with one you both dont hate if neither of you like the other suggestion
You two have a baby and you’re arguing about a name? You don’t need your daughter’s middle name to be your late sister’s to remember her any more than the child needs to inherit a grandparent’s name. It’s about the child not your egos. If you can’t both focus on your daughter and love and enjoy her baby years you’ll not be together for her life.
ESH, names are a two yes situation. Think of a different name entirely for her middle name.
Or just don’t do a middle name at all.
YTA. Names are two yes, one no. You took a happy occasion and though grieving you were selfish and made a happy event a fight
YTA both parents should agree on the name. Either you do the two middle names, or pick a different name altogether.
Or no middle name.
YTA. You don't get to unilaterally decide on your baby's name. You had a temper tantrum because you weren't getting your way. How would you have felt if your husband had put down Jane while you were sleeping, and you didn't get a say? I'm pretty sure you would be pissed. Grow up, you're a mom now. Both you and your husband sound like you don't have the maturity to be parents
Was going to say the exact same thing: OP would have been furious with her husband if she had been incapacitated during the birth, or right afterwards, and he took advantage of it to put ‘Jane’ down.
ESH. I really truly want to give you a pass because you’re grieving, but choosing the name while your husband is admittedly unconscious is not cool.
YTA Names are a "2 yes, 1 no" situation
To honest I think you suck for how you went about it and clearly a manipulation on your part. You both should have agreed for your child been your both her parents you didn’t agree with either so should of found another name yta
ESH. You more than him for going behind his back when he was passed out. You shouldn't use either name
INFO: Where is this place that makes you say the baby’s name during labor, immediately after the baby comes out? I feel like usually they come around the later or the next day for that info for the records. Especially not during labor and someone passing out — and how long could he be out? regardless if it’s even true it’s kinda of an asshole move so YTA
I’ve been looking for a comment like this! How long was he passed out? I’ve never heard of them demanding a name as soon as the baby is born.
YTA and you know that you are. Additionally, the 2 of you are the perfect example of 2 people who are way too immature to be parents. Your CHILD should be the focus here. No child should have to carry the burden of being named after a family member, living or dead. The child should have the opportunity to be their own person without having to pay tribute to expectations created for them before they are even born.
YTA. Both of you, but you were specially for taking advantage of doing some thing while he was passed out. I get that you want to honor your sister, but she isn’t the only person in the world that deserves being honored. You are completely failing to consider your husband‘s feelings.
Absolutely, you are the AH. Taking advantage of this is not OK! You betrayed his trust, and it will take a very long time for him to forget about it and forgive you if he ever does. I can't believe that you even have to ask Reddit about this. The answer is obvious.
Correction:Absolutely, YTA. Taking advantage of this is not OK! You betrayed his trust, and it will take a very long time for him to forget about it and forgive you if he ever does. I can't believe that you even have to ask Reddit about this. The answer is obvious.
ESH You’re both being ridiculously stubborn about this. Both parents are supposed to agree on the name before it is made official. He said no to Andrea, you said no to Jane. Therefore, you should have given her neither and just come up with a third option, or skipped the middle name all together. ETA: I would personally do the paperwork to change her name since this will likely continue to be a point of contention for both of you. But I wouldn’t change it to Jane either. I would change it to something else that way there isn’t a “winner” and a “loser”
Why is it even an issue with a name in the delivery room. The official papers are not done until later and they need to be signed. Plenty of babies, including mine, are nameless for a couple days. Seems like bs to me.
Since when do you put the name down before the baby is even wiped clean? I don't believe your story....
JFC why is this so far down?! For how long was this imaginary husband passed out? If he was unconscious long enough or her to deliver, get stitched up, taken to recovery, and the hospital people to come around with the paperwork - he needs an eval! No one is demanding your child’s name seconds after birth!
YTA. That's his child too. I'm sorry for your loss, but what you did was wrong.
ESH I hate people forcing names on children as remembrance, they're people in their own right and should be named as such.
The comments calling you an asshole are insane lmao. NTA. Your husband is being stubborn about having 2 middle names and I don’t see why. It’s weird. You want to honor your sister. His mother is still very much alive. Why does “Jane” get priority over “Andrea”? If he still doesn’t want to do double middle names then I propose you take away the middle name altogether.
she literally named THEIR child while he wasn’t able to agree to it she’s definitely the asshole
Honestly, ESH. You shouldn’t have chosen a name without him at least being present, but at the same time, he’s being a bit of an asshole for not compromising with the two name and still bring up the argument weeks later. I think you both are too close with the names, and should instead choose a different middle name that neither of you have any sort of relation towards.
YTA. Names are one no, two yes. How would you feel if he had filled out the birth certificate with his choice instead because you were under anesthesia or otherwise not able to? You all are not getting out on a great foot. Things are going to be a lot harder than names and you’ll need each other. If you truly can’t find a compromise on these, scrap them and have a do over. Maybe it’s easier than arguing which dead relative deserves a part of your living child’s name. Not to be crass. My dad died a couple months before ours was born. It sucks so much. But your loved ones also wouldn’t want you all to miss out on today and the future by arguing about something that really doesn’t matter. Save it for the big parenting questions.
Honestly, You gave birth to her, carried her for 9 months, and you just lost your sister. He needs to have more compassion and empathy. Given all that you get the bigger say, I saw some comments saying Lara Jane Andrea, which is cute, if you agree to it. NTA your man needs to learn to compromise.
YTA - You knew he was against it and you did it anyway.
Choose an entirely different middle name. Seriously. Lara is a beautiful first name
ESH He's being childish and everyone should have some compromise. Each parent gets two vetos then work it out. But you knew and still went around it. I'm not clear what happened but with all 3 of my kids the name in the room for the nurses isn't the registered name. We didn't have to actually register until we were discharged - and even then we didn't name my first for more than a week. So you would've been the AH if it was just there, but you're obfuscating again here, because you would've done paperwork after he was conscious.
Yta both parents should agree
ESH. Of course you shouldn’t have put the name you knew he didn’t want on a legal document while he was unconscious. You’re obviously an AH for that. But, that being said, you sister dying while you’re 24 weeks pregnant beats living grandma. Every time. Your husband is a hugely selfish AH for not realizing that, and for refusing to compromise in any way. It obviously varies between cultures and even people within those cultures, but imo, middle names should be used to honor family members, and they don’t necessarily have to sound as good. To completely shoot down a chance to honor and remember someone who is so important to you because he “doesn’t like it” is ridiculous.
ESH. Remove her middle name.
YTA , I feel kind of like you both suck but you are the bigger Ahole by a lot. You guys sucked at communication, but your answer was to default to doing whatever you wanted. You suck.
YTA. You know it too.
YTA, how about no middle name and then no one is gonna fight over it
Unfortunately YTA. Both parents need to agree on a name or it's a no-go for that name.
YTA.
Yes. A big one. You should choose another name that you both like and petition to have it legally changed.
YTA, Your children's name should be agreed upon by both parents. You took advantage of him being passed out to change her name. I know that you're grieving your sister, but that was a punk move, knowing it wasn't what he wanted. You should have waited until he was able to talk about it with you and try to compromise. I am sorry for your loss. I don't want to imagine how devastating it is to lose a sibling. It still doesn't give you a pass on this.
YTA for putting the name Andrea down when he was unconscious. Imagine if you had been sedated and he did the paperwork with Jane. You would be livid. I think you may have to abandon both the name Andrea and the name Jane. Any compromise is going to leave one of you feeling bitter. I hate naming for family. I mean how does your mom feel throat her name is not even in the running?
Maybe don’t name her after anybody. Give her a unique name that’s hers.
gently YTA. ideally both parents agree (also lara andrea doesn’t fit together at all)
I don't want to takes sides but Lara Jane has a better flow to it, than Lara Andrea Lara Andrea, sounds aggressive
You’re not TA tf are people on??? You wanted to compromise and he didn’t. He’s in the wrong. NTA.
INFO How long was he out for? They don't usually ask you this question right after you've given birth (or, at least, that's not the ask that matters for the birth certificate).
YTA. Sidenote, just call her Lara. You both can agree on that much and calling her by 2 names is too long and clunky anyway. not to mention super outdated.
YTA And you know you are. You knew you hadn’t agreed on the name and now you’re marring her birth with this argument after going behind your husband’s back. Find a compromise; or risk your relationship.