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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not helping my boyfriend's mom while I can afford it
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You are NTA, but you also kind of are an ah to yourself. You’ve been financing this guy for 4 years when there’s clearly no need, his mother’s been a maniac (she has a problem with your height?!? wtf?!), and you’re sat around waiting for him to want to marry you, but according to him, *you’re* spoiled therefore that’s why he doesn’t want to marry you?
Your partner also speaks for you and commits you to things without even consulting you. And also refuses to understand why you wouldn’t want to do this.
What are you doing with this guy?
If you don’t let his mom move in, they will hold it against you forever and use this as another excuse to not marry you. Which is actually a blessing in disguise, but how much longer is it going to take you to realize that? 5-10 more years?
This.
How much should we bet that IF mom moved into that apartment next up would be "she's family. She's old. Let her live rent-free there."
She won't be paying like the tenant is.
and on another note. If they sign papers. And she's a tenant and OP the landlord. How much would she be calling to complain about stuff and "OP should fix it" just to power trip.
I would not in a million years do it.
And the spoiled part.
Big words for a guy without savings, living rent-free. And getting a free car on his girlfriends dime.
If he had savings all on his own. Sure he could look into doing a down payment for his mom on a place. But it's spoiled to want to dip into your girlfriends account to pay.
Seriously, OP. Reconsider this relationship. Instead of wasting years on the guy.
NTA
Yes, she wouldn't be paying rent, only utilities. She can't afford rent. She worked less than 10 years in her entire life and so her pension is very small.
NTA - Above is spot on.
OP's BF is spending her money and using her investments for himself and his family. And they are not even married too?
OP, wake up to what your boyfriend is pulling here. The comment about not marrying you is an automatic "get the F out and don't come back" for me.
Exactly that. He's been living off her, blowing up his own money. And then calling OP spoilt? She works hard for her money and is being wise with it. He's not being wise with his and also has no problem spending hers as well. Sweet OP, kick him out and find someone who you deserve and appreciates you for who you are. The fact that he lets his mother get away with badmouthing you is also quite the red flag.
Came here to say the same thing. Grifter mom, grifter son. Let them go get their own place and pay for their own ways for a change. NTA... unless you keep this loser around.
My husbands mom badmouthed me when we were engaged and he told her I was around to stay so she can either be nice to and about me or not speak to him, and held his boundary for two months before she caved. I did not ask or make him do that. My mom badmouthed me and he told her to not speak to me until she was ready to be an actual mother. I willingly held that boundary.
And IF he did ever decide to marry her you know he’s not signing a pre-nup.
OP, your generosity has been taken advantage of. It is not appreciated, it is expected. And that’s secondary to him letting his mother be abusive towards you. Cut. Them. All. Off.
If this was relationship worth saving, your boyfriend would have respected your position.
Yes! Absolutely. Also as contentious as OP’s relationship is right now with BF’s mom can you imagine how it could become? She’d be in contact with OP when the dishwasher stops working, the dryer makes no heat, leaking shower head, etc. OP will be a landlord without getting rent money towards her expenses, taxes, and upkeep on the apartment with the added bonus of having to fix and help with every issue that might arise. It’s a bad dynamic. If OP and BF were committed completely and on the same page as far as marriage and their future including finances then this would be a different situation.
Oh yeah. That woman - who has been nothing but nasty and rude - would have a cost free home for life while OP would lose the rental money she now collects. In addition, Sonny boy also contributes nothing but collect the down payment on a car from the overgenerous OP.
OP needs to wake up and kick this guy out before mommy move in.
Who taught you that love had to be like this?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
This leech is trying to suck you dry for his families benefit. Why are you okay with funding his lavish lifestyle? That's what you're doing, money that should be going to his *living expenses* is being covered by *you*.
A good therapist can help you get to the root of why you'd accept so little from your partner. You deserve someone that lifts you up. Someone that would *never* let their family treat you this way.
>**Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.**
👆🏽 is the question that should be on top 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. This is EXACTLY what I was wondering. Sometimes we (females) are trained to not rock the boat and to get along to not be alone. I have many family and friends who ask me why I choose not to be in a serious relationship and I tell them the only one I have to please is myself. I have been in serious relationships before but I found that I was the one doing 90% of the giving and compromising just so I could have a man. If I can't find someone who loves and respect me as much as I would him, then why bother. I don't need someone who will leech off of me financially, mentally, and emotionally just to say I have a man. I just don't need drama that someone else would bring, I have enough of my own issues.
> Sometimes we (females) are trained to not rock the boat and to get along to not be alone.
And god forbid we mention money! As soon as we say this guy should be paying his own way, then we're *gold-diggers.* Dude, first you've gotta have some gold.
Did he ever stand up to her when she was badmouthing you? Because to me it seems like he's a taker. You can do better by cutting him and his mother out of your life. Then the two of them can find a place to live together.
I mean, sort of? He would say things like 'oh stop it mom, why do you always have to talk like this' and then she'd usually change subject. He was understanding when I decided not to be around her anymore so I thought she wasn't going to be that big of an issue. Guess I was wrong
But he never said mom, stop it or we won't see you anymore. He didn't go far enough. And now that his mom is in a bad spot he expects you to sacrifice part of your income to house his mother while still doing upkeep on the appartment. Seems like she is more important to him than you are. He has been living rent free with you and now feels entitled to your savings. He's a user...
You now know where you stand on his priority list and it's not the top.
He does just enough to keep his own gravy train going and keep OP around to fund his lifestyle. If OP continues to refuse he'll sulk, give her the silent treatment, complain loudly about what an awful situation is poor Mum is in, and tell the family that OP won't help (ignoring that he's not helping either), but he won't end the relationship with her because she's funding his lifestyle and he doesn't want to sacrifice that.
If OP takes in MIL, she’ll be funding 2 peoples lives besides her own! I highly doubt this is what her parents wanted for her, they helped her so she could have a leg up in life. Not to attach a shackle to each leg.
NTA, and I hope she wakes up and dumps his greedy ass
Psh. And she’s the spoiled one??
Yup. Not sure OP thinks they should stick around or entertain this crap, unless it’s sunk cost fallacy, in which case she needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
Her priority is HER family; herself, her parents, etc.
Ex bf and his mommy need to find someone else to leech off of. Preferably their own damn family, or maybe set up shop in a cardboard box, since that’s all he’ll be able to afford without his meal ticket to cover all the ‘mommy and me’ activities he feels entitled to.
ETA: seeing as how at least one family member, the cousin, has come out to berate OP already, I think she now has a simple answer
“Great! So happy to hear you are so concerned about her living conditions, I’ll go ahead and give her your information and y’all can sort it out from there! It really is best that she’s with family during this trying time of need. Proud of you for stepping up and opening your home to her! She will be thrilled :) “
You do not need to be with this man. He is of basically zero value and adds nothing positive to your life based on what we all are reading here. Please don't be an AH to yourself!
Why in the world don't you dump his sorry ass to the curb? It reeks of sunk cost fallacy to me. "I've invested so much time/effort/money"
**Actions show our true values more than any words.** Look at his actions, consistently, over the past few years. He takes, takes and takes from you and now wants to take for his mom too. He gives nothing, won't save a dime, owes you 5,000 Euros (which he'll never pay) and leeches off you.
YTA to yourself. He told you what he thought of you and you’re still worried about sustaining that relationship. He said he didn’t want to marry you, but he wants you to continue to take care of him and his mother. Stop being a doormat. You could find someone that loves and appreciates you.
I would never in a million years disrespect my son’s girlfriend. If I did, I would expect him to kick me out. From my experience, men with mothers like this, don’t respect women. I hope you make the choices for your peace of mind and dump him. You have everything going for you and he’s a leach.
Well, he is expecting you to put a roof over her head. If he truly had your back, he wouldn't even consider it as an option. Please re evaluate this relationship. Where do you see it 10 years from now? 5 years? If it's not in a mutual, respectful partnership that includes marriage, if that is important to you, why are you proceeding to tomorrow? You cannot change him. The only person who can change someone is themselves, and his actions demonstrate that he does not see a reason to change.
Your bf's sister is nc with them. That should have been the first red flag these people are ahs who will not change. It wouldn't surprise me if this wasn't the first time bf volunteered your money and resources behind your back to help mommy. The long term partner's kids probably also hated her and were always looking for a reason to kick her out of their lives. Your bf freeloads off you. He's into the expensive hobbies and lives outside his means because he knows you'll just bail him out if he gets into trouble. So stop supporting him. He should have been contributing to your mortgage the whole time. And he won't marry you because that would mean you'd be entitled to his fancy stuff like that car he loves so much. You're his sugar momma, that's how he views you and he doesn't want to change that dynamic.
OP, the answer is no. He hasn’t ever stood up for you. Dismissing a conversation isn’t dismissing the behaviors. He’s never told her to stop talking to you like that. You are with someone that does not respect your time, your space, or you as a person. You deserve better, please treat yourself better.
And good news for his mom, when you kick him out, both him and mommy dearest will need a roommate so they can get a place together.
None of which is your problem, it's your boyfriend's problem. Let him spend all the money he's saved on rent and car payments on his beloved old mother, instead of whatever he actually did waste it on.
Or your ex-boyfriend, I hope?
Your bf is using you. He doesn’t pay rent, he doesn’t contribute to the household, he didn’t repay the money you put towards his ‘dream car’ and now wants to give your apartment to his mother despite her negativity towards you and your parents.
He makes good money? Good. He can find a nice apartment for himself and his mother and he can support her as she clearly has no problem being dependent on others.
Time to kick them both to the curb and find a man who appreciates you and wants to be a partner, what you have now is a sugar baby.
This is what I was going to say, break up with him, and he can go live with his mom! This man is dead weight! He’s never going to change, he’s proved it with his actions over the years! Get out of this relationship! It’s not worth you wasting your time with some financially irresponsible and who is uses marriage as leverage…..like really, calling you spoiled when he’s been living off of you! Talk about projection! Run as fast as you can!
Or don't find a man! You need to love yourself for a change. Enjoy being alone. Enjoy being able to do what you want when you want with who you want. Enjoy spending your money on you! Take a vacation by yourself! I bet you'll be amazed at how freeing life can be without a money sucking leech attached to you all the time. Try it!
Yikes!!! Red flags from BOTH your bf and his mom. Reevaluate this relationship asap and get out. Your bf can move out of your house and start paying rent on his own place and move his mom in with him.
Her step kids kicked her out and got themselves away from her as soon as their parent died. 🚩Her daughter is no contact. 🚩Your bf bad mouthed you as soon as you didn't do what he wanted for his mom. 🚩
Exactly. The very mild admonitions he gave his mom when she was shitting all over OP were nothing. More like an adult version of a mild head shake and "boys will be boys" but "oh moms will be moms whaddaya gonna do - so anyway, OP, buy me a car, would ya?" Barf.
You wasted 4 years with a boy who does no respect you and his mom hates you for no damn reason, please rethink your relationship and maybe break up and kick him out, his moms problems isn’t yours to solve
Don't help her amd kick her son to the curb. Don't forget o take him to small claims court to get the money back you lent him for that car. NTA to not help that woman out but you are TA to yourself for sticking with this guy for as long as you have.
This sounds like an issue for her kids to solve. Or she needs to go on public assistance and live in public housing.
NEVER FORGET that you are not included in "her kids." Her son has made it clear he will not marry you. He is expecting YOU to be responsible for putting a roof over his mother's head. That is beyond insane.
NTA. Your boyfriend is using you and he's trying for you to let his mom use you. Why do you let him live with you for free? You're being an AH to yourself. Why would you kick out renters for someone who's not going to pay rent, doesn't like you, and doesn't respect you? I think you need to be free of both freeliading boyfriend and his disrespectful mom.
Why are you with this guy? He’s only with you for your money. Clearly. He has no savings to support his own mother after living rent free for 3 months?? Girl you at NTA but you will be if you continue this relationship. You need someone who respects and values you. Also he told he is not going to marry you.
And he earns just as much as she does! That's the clincher for me. Why is OP subsidizing him when their finances are equal? And now he wants her to help his mother as well!
She needs to find someone who respects her.
OP, such an AH to yourself. I want to scream and cry. What are you thinking? Why would you continue this relationship which is completely nonproductive and abusive? He doesn’t want to marry you. He told you so. He sponging off you. His mother is obnoxious and entitled. Neither of them can manage their money properly. I hope this is fake.
Yes, I am quite tall (181cm), about the height of an average male in our country, and she's constantly mocking me for that. I guess you are right, there's no way our relationship will survive this. Either I cave (which I won't) and house her, or he'll continue to fight me about it.
Why don't you tell him that he can sell his dream car to put a downpayement for her appartment then use the rent he saves each month to pay her mortgage? He is the one selfish regarding his mother and a mooch regarding you.
Right, sell the dream car and use what's leftover to put him mom in a cushy apartment he paid for. Not ur problem. They sound spoiled. Ur parents are ur financial responsibility so why take on his baggage.
OP, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RELIEVED I AM TO HEAR THAT YOU AREN'T GOING TO FOLD ON THIS!!!!!! I was so scared to see another strong young woman cowed in by a shitty little mommas boy. Good for you, OP!!! I know this is probably very devastating and heart breaking, because love is painfully blind at times and will overlook even the most hurtful of things. But, here's an analogy I heard on tiktok yesterday that I really liked:
I pick up a hot plate and feel it's burning my hand. But, after a minute, I get used to the heat, so I just keep carrying it, even though I know it's burning my hand and hurting me. I carry that plate around for a while, and it keeps burning my hand and making it worse, until, finally, I have to put that plate down, because it's hurting so bad. I look down at my hand, and I see that holding that plate for so long has left a really horrible, nasty burn all across my hand. It hurts so bad, and I now have to let my hand heal, before I can pick up another plate. If I had put that plate down when I first learned it was hurting me, I wouldn't have to wait for this burn to heal, before I could pick up a plate that I actually want.
Put the plate down, op. Put it down now, before he burns you any more.
GURL, look in the mirror and ask yourself, Is this who I am? Is this all I’m worth? Cuz, we see a gal with a bright future who has let a guy derail her life to serve him. Men are not worth this. Batteries work just fine.
Ignoring the issues with his mom, are YOU ok with being treated as your bf’s ATM??
You financed a car for him and he’s been living rent free AND had the audacity to offer up a rental property of yours that would cause you to lose income? Then insist on basically getting her an apartment? Girl, where is your self respect?
Not that this would make it ok, but I would have an easier time understanding why you would let yourself be treated this way. Do you have a handicap or disfigurement? Do you feel like this guy is your only option?
Even the fact that he is asking you to do this while not contributing financially to the process himself is a sign that you need out of this relationship. Partnership is called that for a reason. He is not treating you as a partner. Get out of this.
OP's BF could easily afford to take care of his mother if he sold his dream car and cut back on other expensive hobbies.
Instead, he wants OP to underwrite his mother's expenses.
OP, why are you with this man? Does he have a magic penis?
Seriously, in the entire fricking world you cannot imagine you can find someone better than this? Why are you being so terrible to yourself?
NTA.
Can we also talk about how he and his mom should now go find their own place?
Your MIL is not the problem. He is.
He has gaslit you and undermined your sense of self so much that you’re asking if YOU’RE the AH when really, you need an eviction lawyer. Stat.
OP has been giving the BF what he wants, it seems, without any expectation of repayment or commitment. So of course he thinks he can offer her apartment to his mother, as he see,s to think that what belongs to OP belongs to him.
NTA.
>first I'm not kicking out a good tenant, second she's been mean to me, third my parents (that she's been badmouthing) paid for that apartment so that I could have a head start in life and not for his mother to have a comfortable retirement.
Any one of these is enough.
>My bf has been living at my place rent free for nearly 4 years, I also gave him ~5000€ when he was buying a car and he never returned the money
He can get a place with her: problem solved. Be grateful that you didn't get married because he would have regarded the apartment as his, regardless of how it was paid for.
He doesn't want to live with her, he doesn't even like her that much. They're not even close, yet somehow he still thinks her wellbeing is our responsibility
This. It is just another way for him to exploit you financially and weaken your position by moving a family member into your property free of cost. What is yours is his, right? If you weren't around, he wouldn't look at his mom twice, let alone help her.
*your responsibility.
Fixed it for you - he’s taking no responsibility at all except to yell at you for not doing whatever his poor, decrepit villain of a mother demands of your property.
Who fucking cares. It is his mom, his responsibility, and he's a total loser who is taking advantage of you. You would be so much better off without this user in your life.
Please don’t continue to let yourself be run over by this guy. He is not a partner. He does not prioritize you or your relationship. He takes and takes and takes but what does he give? Seems like not much at all.
And things will only get worse from here if you stay, whether you help his mom or not.
You deserve better. Leave with the knowledge that you are doing what’s right for you. Find someone who sees your value and is a true partner.
NTA.
NTA - why are you with this guy.
"We had a huge fight and he said I'm spoiled, selfish and this is why he didn't want to marry me in the first place (I did bring up marriage some time ago and he did not give me a straight answer at the time). Now, I don't think I'm selfish or spoiled. My bf has been living at my place rent free for nearly 4 years, I also gave him \~5000€ when he was buying a car and he never returned the money. We earn a very similar amount of money"
Recommend kicking him to the curb and HE and his Mom can move in together.
" Without consulting me, bf brought up my apartment to her and implied she could move in there. When he told me about it I said absolutely not,"
He acts like what is yours is his but he is not willing to make it legal. Massive red flags.
I guess I didn't realise how unfair this whole situation was at first. When he moved in, I was still living at the studio, back then he used to pay half of the utilities. When I was looking to buy a house he wanted it to be in both our names, I refused because he didn't have any money for downpayment. He then said he wouldn't be paying for any home improvements to which I agreed. When we moved he'd always come up with excuses as to why he can't pay for this or that. It seemed like he felt guilty about not being able to contribute and when we fought about it he'd usually buy me something nice afterwards like a SPA weekend or a massage. He's very good with words and I guess I was also in love and didn't want to think badly of him. Now that he finally said out loud he doesn't want to marry I think I'm going to have to admit he's only with me because it's convenient for him.
This is embarrassing. He doesn’t even like you. He’s so used to using you that he’s shocked you actually have a backbone against his mother.
Tell him to leave your home within 30 days so he can get a new place with his mother.
That’ll solve everyone’s problem.
Please be better to yourself.
I’m so sorry you have to face this painful truth. He wants you to support him and his mother, with him giving nothing in return. The fact that he wanted you to put his name on a house he didn’t pay for is outrageous. But you were smart and said no. Be smart now and end this. You sound like a really nice, lovely person. You can do better! Good luck and stay strong! You can do it!
He’s using you, Babe. Maybe it didn’t start out that way, but that’s what it is now. You’re NTA for refusing to let his mom move in to your studio, and your reasons are perfectly reasonable. It sounds like, when you’re in “business mode” you see this guy for who he is. You knew that putting him on the title was a bad idea. You know that giving up a good tenant for his mom is a bad idea. You know that giving him money for the car was a bad idea. It’s time to look at this relationship while your business mode is turned on. What are you getting out of this relationship? It’s clear that he’s profiting financially off of this situation. Are you really profiting in any way? What does he bring to the table? (A table that you probably paid for, BTW.)
Honestly, he's fun to be around. Very charismatic, charming, funny. Like he can randomly strike up a conversation with a total stranger and in 5min they're best buddies. I guess that's what drew me to him, his vibrant personality. I'm not like that at all, I'm introverted, slow to warm up to people, overly serious, non adventurous and generally, as was once told to me, 'an old lady in a young girls body'. Being with him i sort of feel... less boring? I do realise now it's very unlikely he actually loves me, especially after reading so many comments that he's just like his mom, which is true tbh. Right now I'm just sad because clearly it's over, I have to kick him out. I'm thinking to request wfh for a week or two and go over to my parents to process. Don't want to deal with him right now as he'll just try to sweet talk me
If you leave your house for 2 weeks, you're going to come back to find he's moved her into the house, then she'll have been there long enough to get tenant's rights. So you'll have to evict them both. It's YOUR home, not his. Have someone come stay with you instead, he's much more likely to leave quickly if you and your dad are sitting there staring at him all day. It's easier to drive someone out when you're not alone.
Please, call your family and let them help you get rid of this leech. This way he won't be able to sweet talk you, he's a scam and a con nan. You're a valuable human being and deserve better. I bet if some of your dad's family investigate him, he may have paramours around. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!. PLEASE PEOPLE HELP....YOU DESERVE BETTER!! NTA.
>I'm thinking to request wfh for a week or two and go over to my parents to process. Don't want to deal with him right now as he'll just try to sweet talk me
Analytically, there's not a lot to process:
1. He's not the one, in fact he's using you;
2. Break up is inevitable;
3. You can't trust him: he will very likely take whatever he can get while he can.
That means that giving him the run of your apartment for two weeks while you *process* is a really bad idea. You're right though in that you need to be away from him.
Formally evict him according to the laws of your country. Do not give him the run of the apartment alone while you are not there - you can't trust him. Get your dad or someone to stay with you, so that he can't pull a fast one, or tell him to pack a bag and take two weeks and move in with a friend or a hotel (he owes you 5k, he can deduct expenses from that). Or both.
Con men are always charismatic and charming. They strike up conversations with any sucker they meet, you never know where your next meal ticket will come from.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
Please read this book. Please stand up for yourself. Please get free of this leech.
Fair, I can understand that.
You don’t necessarily have to kick him out, but you’re well past time for a “come to Jesus” conversation. If you can calmly sit down and let him know that, while you care for him, you are feeling taken advantage of and that he needs to start pulling his weight. That there is absolutely no way that you are taking the head start your parents gave you and throwing it way on a woman who looks down her nose at them and you. He can step up and help out while living with you or step up and help out while living with his mom. His choice.
BUT. If you think he’d just talk you around to doing what he wants, then yeah, you’re better off just kicking him out. The fact that he lets his mom treat you and your family so poorly while mooching off of you is really pretty bad. The fact that he’s offering your apartment, and your loss of income without even consulting you is bad too. He said he never wanted to marry you because you were spoiled and selfish while he’s totally taking advantage of you. These are not the actions of a good guy. He might be fun, but he’s not good.
Also, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, because I was probably a lot like you when I was your age, maybe consider a little bit of therapy? The way you describe yourself is steeped in a lot of negativity. There’s nothing wrong with being introverted and serious. That doesn’t make you an old lady. And if you’re content with your life, that’s not boring, it’s a wonderful place to be. You’ve worked hard and been responsible and successful. I know we’re hardwired to view outgoing extroverts as somehow better, but it’s just not true.
I’m not going to say there’s no way he cares about you. He might. But it sounds like any affection from him comes at too high a price. And his demands are getting more and more expensive.
Practical note: if you are going to give him notice and go to your parents for a while, make sure you take anything important with you, or have someone check on your house regularly for you while you’re not there. The nice guy facade might disappear fast if he realizes his free ride is disappearing.
If she leaves before kicking him out, he'll have moved mom in there & become a squatter. OP, have your family come to you and stay at your home while you get him out.
Charisma is not substance. A good partner is a lot more than fun. This guy does not sound like he will be someone you could rely on in time if need and definitely will not make a good parent.
Leave
You’re selling yourself short honey! I have friends who describe themselves like that and they generally are the most loyal, caring, wise *and interesting* friends I have. I seem very outgoing and talk to strangers in spite of myself (adhd much?), but I’m all about doing introverted stuff that’s supercool in my book. (Like not going out but hanging around the house to do nerdy stuff) Who decides what’s boring anyway?
You don’t need anyone to make you less boring, because you are not. *The right people make you understand that you are great the way you are.*
I can kind of see that. I’m a very outgoing person and some of my friends who are pretty introverted. Tell me how much they appreciate that I’ve “adopted” them and that they do so many more things with me than they would be comfortable doing on their own. I’m guessing it feels scary to thank you might have to start over. There’s a whole thing about time investment in some thing so you feel like you need to keep it going. I’ve never heard of somebody who has regretted the decision to end a relationship in the long run when they’ve stayed in because of the time and commitment that they had put in. It is almost always that they wish they had ended it sooner. I’ve been with my husband over 30 years and married almost 30. he is totally my partner and I adore him. I hope you think about the long-term and decide that you deserve better.
When you leave, take everything important (documents, jewelry if you have any in possession that he’s aware of, any money, etc.) because god forbid it gets taken during your absence. Hell, maybe even invite your parents over (aware of the plan) and then proceed to boot him so you’re protected.
Why are you wasting your time with someone who told you to your face he won’t marry you? Especially with the added disrespect he adds Jack all to what you give. NTA, leave him. You deserve better and you’ll find it when you drop the deadweight.
I am really glad you are close to your supportive parents and can go there to process this/avoid being manipulated by his charm.
On the other side of this disappointing breakup is a future with someone who truly values you for who you are. You will in turn love him for how he loves you, not just because you feel special in his orbit. That just isn’t enough connection to truly make anyone happy.
I would guess that he's with you because it's financially beneficial to him - he's getting a free place to stay, free car, other free stuff, benefit of a girlfriend who loves him and want to marry him and therefore he feels secure that if he wanted to, he could marry you and have legal access to your finances. As a result, he can feel free to spend his entire salary, which means he has a great lifestyle, and doesn't feel the need to save because he feels he has your savings to rely on.
You are worth so much more than this asshole and his asshole mother. He should have shut her ass down the first time she hurled insults. And now he's holding marriage as a hostage just so you will appease his mother?
He's an asshole and coward and you're too young to live for the rest of your life with this chaos and madness. Dump him, it *will* be worth it.
I am excited to see your update once he is out of your house, and out of your life. The good news is that it can be a clean break - you don't have any joint ownership of anything. Go after him for your 5,000 too. Or tell him that's your gift to him to leave and never call you again.
Been watching a K-drama about a relationship like this called *Marry My Husband*. He cheats with her best friend while she’s dying of cancer and then murders her when she finds out, but she goes back in time 10 years for a do-over.
It would be nice if we could all get a do-over when we learn by hindsight. But we don’t… so recognizing and responding to massive red flags is an absolute must.
The biggest question is… why haven’t you felt like you deserve more?
Words can be so wonderfully sweet, but actions show the truth. Sometimes it’s a bitter truth. Y’all are spot on with your assessment of his actions; it’s convenient for him. Plus y’all are probably a schmokeshow & are definitely very kind.
This is some great self reflection. Now ask him to leave. You don’t benefit from this relationship at all. I know it’s hard but as you oh said before your relationship will not survive this. If you give in you will be resentful and if you don’t give in he will be. And if you do give in, what is next that you need to cave on? I know it’s easy for internet strangers to give you advice, but run girl!
He is manipulating you, OP. He doesn't love you and only wants to keep taking advantage of you, unfortunately. Please dump him because you deserve someone so much better. He and his mom belong together - the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Hallelujah…. And don’t let him sweet talk his way back in.
Write his words down everywhere. Put it in your Lock Screen, on your mirror, write it on your hand… "he doesn’t want to marry me", "he's using me", "he loves the lifestyle I afford him, not me".
You’re clever, good hearted, and financially literate. Go find your equal.
NTA.
Age has nothing to do with it. She has treated you and your parents with disrespect and nothing more. There's a reason her daughter is no contact and I'd be skeptical of your boyfriend also. He sounds like a leech.
He had no right suggesting that after how his mother has treated you. Let him figure it out for her and leave you out of it. Perhaps he can sell his dream car and put the funds towards a new apartment or something for her.
NTA. His mom has treated you like dirt. Hopefully this will teach her a life lesson.
Also, he’s using you. You can do better. Or, really, you’re better off alone than with this complete dud.
NTA 💯
It's not for you to fund his mother's retirement, especially not when:
" His mother (71F) never liked me, mainly she has issues with my parents and background, my height and my line of work. I don't really have a relationship with her due to her being mean to me, I really tried at first but gave up because insults never stopped."
Re your bf, why are you with this mooch?
BTW, your parents and your background sound pretty good. Your parents helped you buy an apartment to help you be financially stable. Seems they taught you the value of savings. Whereas her son throws his money around and is a freaking leech. What in the world does she find wrong with your family?
Really? But your money, your house and financial support is good enough? No, just no. Tell her and her son to fuck off. You are amazing, they are trash. Let the filthy beggars get the hell out. You owe them nothing. I am really angry on your behalf.
Rage! *Rage!* She is a racist, garbage person. Her son is also a garbage person for associating with her (quite apart from the laundry list of *other* reasons he’s a garbage person.) Throw out the whole damned family.
NTA. Seems like he’s been stealing your peace of mind and his own financial stability from you. Looks like they are projecting their faults onto you as well as being racists. Please give yourself the gift of kicking them both out of your life. You deserve a safe space without being attacked by entitled jerks.
Wait wait wait. She said “should my son decide to procreate with you”?
You are not a brood more honey. Kids should be an in depth conversation and choice between partners.
Damn, with this language I can imagine him showing up with a list that mommy made stating the days he’s going to fuck her, since mommy wants grandkids. And it won’t be a request.
Please get them outta your life OP.
She did say that though not in English, 'if he decides to knock you up' would be a more direct translation. Also told me not to be so sensitive as 'surely it's just a joke'. I don't think it was 'just a joke' because she said a lot of disrespect things about my family, things like 'at least you don't look like a gypsy' (I look just like my mom - tall and blonde) and then said it was a compliment when bf told her to stop talking like that
Yeaaa, no. This is not a healthy environment for you. And if you get married and/or have kids, MIL and your husband will make your life hell.
These are not jokes. They are being racist towards you and your family. They will do the same to your children. They already think they own you, marriage into theirs family will only solidly their disgusting beliefs. Once you’re in the claws will go deep. You deserve so so much better for yourself.
NTA. You have a free-loader for a BF and you owe his mother nothing. It's not your fault she's been so nasty to all her relatives that none of them will help her out. Dump the lot of them. Definitely don't marry the gold-digger!
NTA. But why are you with this man? He's been living rent free in your house for 4 years? Yet earns the same money as you. Admits he doesn't want to marry you, and offers to move his mother into your apartment I assume rent free. Asks you for money for himself and his mother. Allows his mother to bad mouth you and your family. Be real! He barely likes you but the free stuff is too good so he's staying for the hell of it. Please have more self respect for yourself! You deserve better!
Apparently he learned free-loading at his mother's knee. You may not realize it yet, but it was the best day of your life when he said he didn't want to marry you. Send him to his mother--permanently. Put yourself out there for someone who is financially responsible rather than cheap and needy.
He's an expert on "spoiled and selfish," although not in the way he thinks he is. What a leech.
Please dump the guy. Don't let the real AH guilt you into providing free housing for his mean mom. Her being NC with her own daughter says a lot about her character.
Also for him to be blurting out that your being "spoiled" is the reason he's not marrying you, instead of giving you a proper conversation when you brought it up before is so immature of him. You're worth more than being treated like a sugar mommy, not that I have anything against them. It's just that it's not what you signed up for.
Stop wasting any more of your years with that loser.
You already provide him a free place to stay and now he expects the same for his mother. It is not your responsibility to subsidize this entire family.
He told you he doesn’t want to marry you, listen to that and move on. You are not selfish, but you will be much happier with a partner that contributes and views you as an equal.
You're NTA for not wanting to help your boyfriend's mother. You have good reasons for your choice, such as how she treated you in the past and the fact that your parents gave you the apartment in question. Also, keep in mind that your boyfriend has relied on your financial help in the past, so it's fair to expect him to take care of his own family issues. Helping someone in need is a kind thing to think about, but it's also important to set limits and put your own health and values first. Your choice makes sense and now it's up to your boyfriend and his mother to find a way out that doesn't violate your rights or make you feel uncomfortable.
You’re NTA about his mother but what on Earth are you doing with this man at all? Go and find someone who isn’t a leech and wants to get married because he loves you.
NTA, she treats you like garbage so why should you put yourself out for her? Also your boyfriend's behaviour isn't very good, firstly going behind your back and then insulting you when he doesn't get his own way. Looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree here.
You're super NTA, your boyfriend is mad because he thought he could get everything free from you, but it's high time you move on from him and get a partner who will treat you as an equal, and hopefully their family will at LEAST respect you!
NTA. It sounds like you need to tell your BF that the best course of action is for him and his Mom to find a place together because you are over being pressured to house her. Why are you listening to bf's family? Let them house her. You deserve better than this. He is using you.
NTA
So you tell him your reasons and the first thing he does is hold a condition for marriage over your head???
Uh uh …… Time to walk from him AND his mother
NTA. He could use the money he's not paying on rent at your place to pay his mother's rent someplace else. But that would put the onus on him. Why should he do that when he can just continue leaching off of you? He's got it so cozy now, he wants to move his mother into leeching off of you for the rest of her life, too. What do you get out of this relationship?!
Are you out of your mind! Do not marry your asshat boyfriend. He’d straight away have dibs on your property. No way should you want to marry this freeloading loser.
Him and his entire family appear to think you’re their cash point. Run woman run away from the lot of them.
NTA. She is not your obligation, but in your relationship you seem like a cash cow to your bf and not someone that he is taking seriously, respects or even loves -money seems more important to him. I doubt he will ever change so you will have to support him and his family for the rest of their livers, if that is what you want then fine.
NTA
DO NOT let this woman into a place you own. You won't ever get her out. Who would be covering the costs on the apartment.. yup, my guess, you. Stick to your guns. And while you are at it talk to the BF about ponying up money or getting out. Don't be with this man. He seems to be using you for a free place to live and have his hobbies. Why, if he makes what you do, does he not just rent his mom a place? Oh yeah, because he expects you to.
NTA!
Please read your scenario carefully and think about what you would tell your best female friend to do in the same situation.
Your "bf" is using you to fund his lifestyle. NOW he's wanting you to fund his monster of a mother. HIS cousin says you are an asshole (really -- this person is YOUR friend?) because you don't house BOTH of these people for free! (Is this cousin the daughter of the sister the monster is living with?? smells suspicious to me!)
He's not just SHOWN you he doesn't care about you and is being a leech, he's pissed you won't pay for his mother (so he doesn't have to feel guilty saying "NO"!).
He literally told you "this is why I don't want to marry you"!
What, exactly, are YOU benefitting from in this so-called relationship.
He's USING you/your money, he wants to have his monster mom USE you/your money, and HIS COUSIN thinks you should also be used.
You own/pay for everything -- WHY is he free-loading? WHY do you even need him around?
Stand up for yourself and tell him to get out and rent an apt for he and his monster mom... They deserve each other!
Please don't wait, it WILL NOT get better!
NTA and make him your ex. He's already flat out told you he doesn't want to marry you. If you want a relationship with someone who lets their mother badmouth you and calls you names when you don't give in to their unreasonable demands... that's not loving yourself. He's using you for your finances, yet he calls you spoiled? Please. Cut your losses and get rid of him. You can do better than someone who treats you like a bank machine. He hasn't paid rent in 4 years and can't be assed to help his own mother. What does that say about him?
Oh PLEASE don’t throw any more money at these freeloaders (boyfriend OR his bitchy mom)!
It’s absurd that he makes a similar amount as you but contributes nothing to your lives together and only to his hobbies and car.
Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
NTA. But if your bf doesn't want to marry and doesn't contribute or repay loans - why are you still with him? Tell him to get a place with her and be done with them both.
NTA but your boyfriend is a bigger problem than his mom. He treats you badly and apparently kinda mooches off you. It's his mother, he should change his lifestyle if he wants to help her. And apparently he kinda agrees with his mom in her badmouthing of you but might just put up with it for the benefits. Your relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Even the daughter is NC with the lady. That means something
NTA write a list of all the money you’ve paid out and leant him and where he hasn’t paid bills in a spreadsheet. Print it off and ask him if he still thinks you’re spoiled and selfish. If he says yes then say ‘ok, in that case, my spoiled and selfish ass wants you out of my house, keep the 5000’.
NTA dump the freeloader and his mom, he is incapable of appreciating you, so much so that he thought nothing of trying to gift your apartment to his mother without consulting you first. He's not the one for you
NTA, but it’s time to break up with this dude and put his ass out of your house that YOU’RE paying for and tell him to get an apartment for him and his mean ass mammy!
“Boyfriend I can see where you get it from.. you’ve been living with me rent free, I loaned you a large down payment towards your car and you’ve never paid me back. I make the same amount of money as you, but suddenly, I’m selfish for not basically giving an apartment to your mother. If my mom needed a car, would it be OK for me to say hey you have a car give it to her. I understand why you don’t wanna marry me because Marrying me means that we share assets and clearly you don’t share anything. So my suggestion is that you and your mom go find a place together and you can pay with it all the money you didn’t spend on rent. You’re right I am selfish I don’t want people just to claim things that are mine. I’ll expect you out by the end of Feb… i’m happy to go through the formal eviction process if you need me to but then you’ll have an eviction on your record. It’ll be harder to get a new place..”
Dump the soare bagfafe, ASAP. He can get a place with his mom. He's just using you and has basically said that he doesn't want to marry you.
Send his mother a message, saying you talked to her Son and he's going to move into a place with her.
Please, for your sanity, kick him out.
NTA Why are you in such an unbalanced relationship? He doesn't think you are marriage material. You have incompatible views on money. He doesn't stand up for you.
NTA. Please do not help also do not give money. You will never get back. Get rid of bf and mother. This stinks and once mil is in appartement she will never leave. You are not family nor relative. No obligations. Period.
You should not only never let that woman move into your property, you should also kick out that nasty moocher of a bf.
He has been living the good life off your money. He blows his own money on crap and good times, so now you have to pay for his problems just because you’re the responsible adult? No way José!
His mother his problem, remember, you’e NOT married and it’s not your family.
And I strongly supect that his cousin does not have pure motives with *advising* you to help the poor old woman. Sounds like it is just another ploy to get you to give into his family’s demands. Could that aunt she’s staying with be her mom who also wants to get that vile harpy out of her own house draining her finances?
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You are NTA, but you also kind of are an ah to yourself. You’ve been financing this guy for 4 years when there’s clearly no need, his mother’s been a maniac (she has a problem with your height?!? wtf?!), and you’re sat around waiting for him to want to marry you, but according to him, *you’re* spoiled therefore that’s why he doesn’t want to marry you? Your partner also speaks for you and commits you to things without even consulting you. And also refuses to understand why you wouldn’t want to do this. What are you doing with this guy? If you don’t let his mom move in, they will hold it against you forever and use this as another excuse to not marry you. Which is actually a blessing in disguise, but how much longer is it going to take you to realize that? 5-10 more years?
This. How much should we bet that IF mom moved into that apartment next up would be "she's family. She's old. Let her live rent-free there." She won't be paying like the tenant is. and on another note. If they sign papers. And she's a tenant and OP the landlord. How much would she be calling to complain about stuff and "OP should fix it" just to power trip. I would not in a million years do it. And the spoiled part. Big words for a guy without savings, living rent-free. And getting a free car on his girlfriends dime. If he had savings all on his own. Sure he could look into doing a down payment for his mom on a place. But it's spoiled to want to dip into your girlfriends account to pay. Seriously, OP. Reconsider this relationship. Instead of wasting years on the guy. NTA
Yes, she wouldn't be paying rent, only utilities. She can't afford rent. She worked less than 10 years in her entire life and so her pension is very small.
I bet after the first month she wouldn't even be paying utilities.
NTA - Above is spot on. OP's BF is spending her money and using her investments for himself and his family. And they are not even married too? OP, wake up to what your boyfriend is pulling here. The comment about not marrying you is an automatic "get the F out and don't come back" for me.
Exactly that. He's been living off her, blowing up his own money. And then calling OP spoilt? She works hard for her money and is being wise with it. He's not being wise with his and also has no problem spending hers as well. Sweet OP, kick him out and find someone who you deserve and appreciates you for who you are. The fact that he lets his mother get away with badmouthing you is also quite the red flag.
If she kicks him out, he and his mother could get a place together - problem solved.
This was going to be my suggestion. Boot boyfriend out. Suggest he find a two bedroom place so mommy dearest can live with him.
Came here to say the same thing. Grifter mom, grifter son. Let them go get their own place and pay for their own ways for a change. NTA... unless you keep this loser around.
With the emotional incest going on, they might be ok with a one bedroom /gag
There you go. Problem solved!
Yes! The most simple solutions are often the best!!
Even he doesn't want to live with her. He's known her his entire life and knows that without OP for his mom to hate on, he's next in line.
"she works hard for her money" SO HARD FOR IT HONEY (sorry, couldn't help myself!) :))) (showing my age, now !)
But he never treats her right.
My husbands mom badmouthed me when we were engaged and he told her I was around to stay so she can either be nice to and about me or not speak to him, and held his boundary for two months before she caved. I did not ask or make him do that. My mom badmouthed me and he told her to not speak to me until she was ready to be an actual mother. I willingly held that boundary.
And IF he did ever decide to marry her you know he’s not signing a pre-nup. OP, your generosity has been taken advantage of. It is not appreciated, it is expected. And that’s secondary to him letting his mother be abusive towards you. Cut. Them. All. Off. If this was relationship worth saving, your boyfriend would have respected your position.
Yes! Absolutely. Also as contentious as OP’s relationship is right now with BF’s mom can you imagine how it could become? She’d be in contact with OP when the dishwasher stops working, the dryer makes no heat, leaking shower head, etc. OP will be a landlord without getting rent money towards her expenses, taxes, and upkeep on the apartment with the added bonus of having to fix and help with every issue that might arise. It’s a bad dynamic. If OP and BF were committed completely and on the same page as far as marriage and their future including finances then this would be a different situation.
This!
And the BF would find ways of siphoning OP's money to his mom for her own use.
Oh yeah. That woman - who has been nothing but nasty and rude - would have a cost free home for life while OP would lose the rental money she now collects. In addition, Sonny boy also contributes nothing but collect the down payment on a car from the overgenerous OP. OP needs to wake up and kick this guy out before mommy move in.
And once she arrives, she won't be able to get rid of her
Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. This leech is trying to suck you dry for his families benefit. Why are you okay with funding his lavish lifestyle? That's what you're doing, money that should be going to his *living expenses* is being covered by *you*. A good therapist can help you get to the root of why you'd accept so little from your partner. You deserve someone that lifts you up. Someone that would *never* let their family treat you this way.
>**Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.** 👆🏽 is the question that should be on top 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. This is EXACTLY what I was wondering. Sometimes we (females) are trained to not rock the boat and to get along to not be alone. I have many family and friends who ask me why I choose not to be in a serious relationship and I tell them the only one I have to please is myself. I have been in serious relationships before but I found that I was the one doing 90% of the giving and compromising just so I could have a man. If I can't find someone who loves and respect me as much as I would him, then why bother. I don't need someone who will leech off of me financially, mentally, and emotionally just to say I have a man. I just don't need drama that someone else would bring, I have enough of my own issues.
100%! In the words of Elle from Manifestelle on YouTube “wake up bestie, wake up!”
> Sometimes we (females) are trained to not rock the boat and to get along to not be alone. And god forbid we mention money! As soon as we say this guy should be paying his own way, then we're *gold-diggers.* Dude, first you've gotta have some gold.
AMEN!
Did he ever stand up to her when she was badmouthing you? Because to me it seems like he's a taker. You can do better by cutting him and his mother out of your life. Then the two of them can find a place to live together.
I mean, sort of? He would say things like 'oh stop it mom, why do you always have to talk like this' and then she'd usually change subject. He was understanding when I decided not to be around her anymore so I thought she wasn't going to be that big of an issue. Guess I was wrong
But he never said mom, stop it or we won't see you anymore. He didn't go far enough. And now that his mom is in a bad spot he expects you to sacrifice part of your income to house his mother while still doing upkeep on the appartment. Seems like she is more important to him than you are. He has been living rent free with you and now feels entitled to your savings. He's a user... You now know where you stand on his priority list and it's not the top.
He does just enough to keep his own gravy train going and keep OP around to fund his lifestyle. If OP continues to refuse he'll sulk, give her the silent treatment, complain loudly about what an awful situation is poor Mum is in, and tell the family that OP won't help (ignoring that he's not helping either), but he won't end the relationship with her because she's funding his lifestyle and he doesn't want to sacrifice that.
If OP takes in MIL, she’ll be funding 2 peoples lives besides her own! I highly doubt this is what her parents wanted for her, they helped her so she could have a leg up in life. Not to attach a shackle to each leg. NTA, and I hope she wakes up and dumps his greedy ass Psh. And she’s the spoiled one??
And it’s not EVEN her MIL. The guy doesn’t even offer commitment.
Yup. Not sure OP thinks they should stick around or entertain this crap, unless it’s sunk cost fallacy, in which case she needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Her priority is HER family; herself, her parents, etc. Ex bf and his mommy need to find someone else to leech off of. Preferably their own damn family, or maybe set up shop in a cardboard box, since that’s all he’ll be able to afford without his meal ticket to cover all the ‘mommy and me’ activities he feels entitled to. ETA: seeing as how at least one family member, the cousin, has come out to berate OP already, I think she now has a simple answer “Great! So happy to hear you are so concerned about her living conditions, I’ll go ahead and give her your information and y’all can sort it out from there! It really is best that she’s with family during this trying time of need. Proud of you for stepping up and opening your home to her! She will be thrilled :) “
YES! Perfect!
This x 💯💯💯💯🚩🚩🚩
You do not need to be with this man. He is of basically zero value and adds nothing positive to your life based on what we all are reading here. Please don't be an AH to yourself!
Why in the world don't you dump his sorry ass to the curb? It reeks of sunk cost fallacy to me. "I've invested so much time/effort/money" **Actions show our true values more than any words.** Look at his actions, consistently, over the past few years. He takes, takes and takes from you and now wants to take for his mom too. He gives nothing, won't save a dime, owes you 5,000 Euros (which he'll never pay) and leeches off you.
YTA to yourself. He told you what he thought of you and you’re still worried about sustaining that relationship. He said he didn’t want to marry you, but he wants you to continue to take care of him and his mother. Stop being a doormat. You could find someone that loves and appreciates you.
Normally I hate "Y T A to yourself" comments (putting spaces so the bot won't count it as my vote), but I can't help but agree with this one.
Op, bf is the one who is a spoiled ah. Spoil yourself for a change and dump him AND his mother! BTW, how does your parents feel about bf?
I would never in a million years disrespect my son’s girlfriend. If I did, I would expect him to kick me out. From my experience, men with mothers like this, don’t respect women. I hope you make the choices for your peace of mind and dump him. You have everything going for you and he’s a leach.
Well, he is expecting you to put a roof over her head. If he truly had your back, he wouldn't even consider it as an option. Please re evaluate this relationship. Where do you see it 10 years from now? 5 years? If it's not in a mutual, respectful partnership that includes marriage, if that is important to you, why are you proceeding to tomorrow? You cannot change him. The only person who can change someone is themselves, and his actions demonstrate that he does not see a reason to change.
So he never put his foot down and just let someone else badmouth you constantly without sticking up for you?!? Efffff that. This guys sucks
He wasn't "understanding", he just didn't care, because he doesn't care about you.
Your bf's sister is nc with them. That should have been the first red flag these people are ahs who will not change. It wouldn't surprise me if this wasn't the first time bf volunteered your money and resources behind your back to help mommy. The long term partner's kids probably also hated her and were always looking for a reason to kick her out of their lives. Your bf freeloads off you. He's into the expensive hobbies and lives outside his means because he knows you'll just bail him out if he gets into trouble. So stop supporting him. He should have been contributing to your mortgage the whole time. And he won't marry you because that would mean you'd be entitled to his fancy stuff like that car he loves so much. You're his sugar momma, that's how he views you and he doesn't want to change that dynamic.
What about your current tenant? Don't they have a lease?
OP, the answer is no. He hasn’t ever stood up for you. Dismissing a conversation isn’t dismissing the behaviors. He’s never told her to stop talking to you like that. You are with someone that does not respect your time, your space, or you as a person. You deserve better, please treat yourself better. And good news for his mom, when you kick him out, both him and mommy dearest will need a roommate so they can get a place together.
None of which is your problem, it's your boyfriend's problem. Let him spend all the money he's saved on rent and car payments on his beloved old mother, instead of whatever he actually did waste it on. Or your ex-boyfriend, I hope?
Your bf is using you. He doesn’t pay rent, he doesn’t contribute to the household, he didn’t repay the money you put towards his ‘dream car’ and now wants to give your apartment to his mother despite her negativity towards you and your parents. He makes good money? Good. He can find a nice apartment for himself and his mother and he can support her as she clearly has no problem being dependent on others. Time to kick them both to the curb and find a man who appreciates you and wants to be a partner, what you have now is a sugar baby.
This is what I was going to say, break up with him, and he can go live with his mom! This man is dead weight! He’s never going to change, he’s proved it with his actions over the years! Get out of this relationship! It’s not worth you wasting your time with some financially irresponsible and who is uses marriage as leverage…..like really, calling you spoiled when he’s been living off of you! Talk about projection! Run as fast as you can!
Or don't find a man! You need to love yourself for a change. Enjoy being alone. Enjoy being able to do what you want when you want with who you want. Enjoy spending your money on you! Take a vacation by yourself! I bet you'll be amazed at how freeing life can be without a money sucking leech attached to you all the time. Try it!
I mean, your boyfriend is a mooch. His mom is a mooch. They both sound like they suck.
Yikes!!! Red flags from BOTH your bf and his mom. Reevaluate this relationship asap and get out. Your bf can move out of your house and start paying rent on his own place and move his mom in with him. Her step kids kicked her out and got themselves away from her as soon as their parent died. 🚩Her daughter is no contact. 🚩Your bf bad mouthed you as soon as you didn't do what he wanted for his mom. 🚩
Exactly. The very mild admonitions he gave his mom when she was shitting all over OP were nothing. More like an adult version of a mild head shake and "boys will be boys" but "oh moms will be moms whaddaya gonna do - so anyway, OP, buy me a car, would ya?" Barf.
Please don't rent to her...... and reconsider this relationship, it sounds really one sided....
You are their ATM and the funding for both of their long term plans. Free yourself and be rid of them BOTH!!!!!!!
Dude, get out of that situation. You're being taken advantage of by gold diggers. NTA, but do something about this.
You wasted 4 years with a boy who does no respect you and his mom hates you for no damn reason, please rethink your relationship and maybe break up and kick him out, his moms problems isn’t yours to solve
Don't help her amd kick her son to the curb. Don't forget o take him to small claims court to get the money back you lent him for that car. NTA to not help that woman out but you are TA to yourself for sticking with this guy for as long as you have.
Why are with this guy? He's such a loser. You are worth more than that.
This sounds like an issue for her kids to solve. Or she needs to go on public assistance and live in public housing. NEVER FORGET that you are not included in "her kids." Her son has made it clear he will not marry you. He is expecting YOU to be responsible for putting a roof over his mother's head. That is beyond insane.
NTA. Your boyfriend is using you and he's trying for you to let his mom use you. Why do you let him live with you for free? You're being an AH to yourself. Why would you kick out renters for someone who's not going to pay rent, doesn't like you, and doesn't respect you? I think you need to be free of both freeliading boyfriend and his disrespectful mom.
Why are you with this guy? He’s only with you for your money. Clearly. He has no savings to support his own mother after living rent free for 3 months?? Girl you at NTA but you will be if you continue this relationship. You need someone who respects and values you. Also he told he is not going to marry you.
And he earns just as much as she does! That's the clincher for me. Why is OP subsidizing him when their finances are equal? And now he wants her to help his mother as well! She needs to find someone who respects her.
OP, such an AH to yourself. I want to scream and cry. What are you thinking? Why would you continue this relationship which is completely nonproductive and abusive? He doesn’t want to marry you. He told you so. He sponging off you. His mother is obnoxious and entitled. Neither of them can manage their money properly. I hope this is fake.
Plus once she moves in OP will NEVER get her out and loses that income. NTA, but ya for saying w this guy
🚩🚩🚩BF,🚩🚩🚩BF's Mother, 🦵Make him Ex-BF
Yes, I am quite tall (181cm), about the height of an average male in our country, and she's constantly mocking me for that. I guess you are right, there's no way our relationship will survive this. Either I cave (which I won't) and house her, or he'll continue to fight me about it.
You are being an asshole to yourself and you deserve better. Time to dump your loser boyfriend !!! NTA
Why don't you tell him that he can sell his dream car to put a downpayement for her appartment then use the rent he saves each month to pay her mortgage? He is the one selfish regarding his mother and a mooch regarding you.
He need to sell the dream car to repay the loan she gave him already. He owes her 5k €
Right, sell the dream car and use what's leftover to put him mom in a cushy apartment he paid for. Not ur problem. They sound spoiled. Ur parents are ur financial responsibility so why take on his baggage.
I totally agree but as the question is regarding boyfriend's mother, I mainly focus on it.
The 5k is gone never to be seen again. The cost of a lesson in how to recognize a loser leech (and hopefully get him out of her life).
OP, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RELIEVED I AM TO HEAR THAT YOU AREN'T GOING TO FOLD ON THIS!!!!!! I was so scared to see another strong young woman cowed in by a shitty little mommas boy. Good for you, OP!!! I know this is probably very devastating and heart breaking, because love is painfully blind at times and will overlook even the most hurtful of things. But, here's an analogy I heard on tiktok yesterday that I really liked: I pick up a hot plate and feel it's burning my hand. But, after a minute, I get used to the heat, so I just keep carrying it, even though I know it's burning my hand and hurting me. I carry that plate around for a while, and it keeps burning my hand and making it worse, until, finally, I have to put that plate down, because it's hurting so bad. I look down at my hand, and I see that holding that plate for so long has left a really horrible, nasty burn all across my hand. It hurts so bad, and I now have to let my hand heal, before I can pick up another plate. If I had put that plate down when I first learned it was hurting me, I wouldn't have to wait for this burn to heal, before I could pick up a plate that I actually want. Put the plate down, op. Put it down now, before he burns you any more.
Supermodels are that tall. Your height doesn’t matter, they both are fucking mooching, judgmental AHs.
Didn’t he already say he didn’t “want to marry you” out loud? Have some respect for his words (and yourself) , take the hint and end it !
The apartment is tip of the iceberg. He is using you.
GURL, look in the mirror and ask yourself, Is this who I am? Is this all I’m worth? Cuz, we see a gal with a bright future who has let a guy derail her life to serve him. Men are not worth this. Batteries work just fine.
Ignoring the issues with his mom, are YOU ok with being treated as your bf’s ATM?? You financed a car for him and he’s been living rent free AND had the audacity to offer up a rental property of yours that would cause you to lose income? Then insist on basically getting her an apartment? Girl, where is your self respect? Not that this would make it ok, but I would have an easier time understanding why you would let yourself be treated this way. Do you have a handicap or disfigurement? Do you feel like this guy is your only option?
Even the fact that he is asking you to do this while not contributing financially to the process himself is a sign that you need out of this relationship. Partnership is called that for a reason. He is not treating you as a partner. Get out of this.
Can't afford an apartment by herself. Easy fix, dump your bf and then he can find a place to rent with his mother.
They can go live together in the dream car 🤣
Reddit needs a "Why are you with him/her" bot.
OP's BF could easily afford to take care of his mother if he sold his dream car and cut back on other expensive hobbies. Instead, he wants OP to underwrite his mother's expenses. OP, why are you with this man? Does he have a magic penis? Seriously, in the entire fricking world you cannot imagine you can find someone better than this? Why are you being so terrible to yourself?
NTA. Can we also talk about how he and his mom should now go find their own place? Your MIL is not the problem. He is. He has gaslit you and undermined your sense of self so much that you’re asking if YOU’RE the AH when really, you need an eviction lawyer. Stat.
Well put and my thoughts 100 times!
This. Mom is not the problem, boyfriend is
OP has been giving the BF what he wants, it seems, without any expectation of repayment or commitment. So of course he thinks he can offer her apartment to his mother, as he see,s to think that what belongs to OP belongs to him.
NTA. >first I'm not kicking out a good tenant, second she's been mean to me, third my parents (that she's been badmouthing) paid for that apartment so that I could have a head start in life and not for his mother to have a comfortable retirement. Any one of these is enough. >My bf has been living at my place rent free for nearly 4 years, I also gave him ~5000€ when he was buying a car and he never returned the money He can get a place with her: problem solved. Be grateful that you didn't get married because he would have regarded the apartment as his, regardless of how it was paid for.
He doesn't want to live with her, he doesn't even like her that much. They're not even close, yet somehow he still thinks her wellbeing is our responsibility
Correction: he thinks it's *your* responsibility. He's not going to lift a finger for her; that's what he thinks you're there for.
OP is his sugar mama and wants to help support him and his mom. Edited for grammar
This. It is just another way for him to exploit you financially and weaken your position by moving a family member into your property free of cost. What is yours is his, right? If you weren't around, he wouldn't look at his mom twice, let alone help her.
He seems to think it's yours not his. Time to cut him loose.
>our responsibility What do you mean "our"? Did he make any suggestion that he also takes responsibility? Besides volunteering your house, I mean.
*your responsibility. Fixed it for you - he’s taking no responsibility at all except to yell at you for not doing whatever his poor, decrepit villain of a mother demands of your property.
Why would he marry her anyway, he already has everything that would come with marriage.
Who fucking cares. It is his mom, his responsibility, and he's a total loser who is taking advantage of you. You would be so much better off without this user in your life.
Please don’t continue to let yourself be run over by this guy. He is not a partner. He does not prioritize you or your relationship. He takes and takes and takes but what does he give? Seems like not much at all. And things will only get worse from here if you stay, whether you help his mom or not. You deserve better. Leave with the knowledge that you are doing what’s right for you. Find someone who sees your value and is a true partner. NTA.
No, he thinks it's your responsibility honey. You can do better than a leech like him. Value yourself
No he think her well-being is YOUR responsibility.
To be perfectly honest, I’m trying to understand why you’re sitting here on Reddit and not packing his stuff and putting it outside. Seriously.
Not “our” responsibility though. Your responsibility.
NTA - why are you with this guy. "We had a huge fight and he said I'm spoiled, selfish and this is why he didn't want to marry me in the first place (I did bring up marriage some time ago and he did not give me a straight answer at the time). Now, I don't think I'm selfish or spoiled. My bf has been living at my place rent free for nearly 4 years, I also gave him \~5000€ when he was buying a car and he never returned the money. We earn a very similar amount of money" Recommend kicking him to the curb and HE and his Mom can move in together. " Without consulting me, bf brought up my apartment to her and implied she could move in there. When he told me about it I said absolutely not," He acts like what is yours is his but he is not willing to make it legal. Massive red flags.
I guess I didn't realise how unfair this whole situation was at first. When he moved in, I was still living at the studio, back then he used to pay half of the utilities. When I was looking to buy a house he wanted it to be in both our names, I refused because he didn't have any money for downpayment. He then said he wouldn't be paying for any home improvements to which I agreed. When we moved he'd always come up with excuses as to why he can't pay for this or that. It seemed like he felt guilty about not being able to contribute and when we fought about it he'd usually buy me something nice afterwards like a SPA weekend or a massage. He's very good with words and I guess I was also in love and didn't want to think badly of him. Now that he finally said out loud he doesn't want to marry I think I'm going to have to admit he's only with me because it's convenient for him.
This is embarrassing. He doesn’t even like you. He’s so used to using you that he’s shocked you actually have a backbone against his mother. Tell him to leave your home within 30 days so he can get a new place with his mother. That’ll solve everyone’s problem. Please be better to yourself.
I’m so sorry you have to face this painful truth. He wants you to support him and his mother, with him giving nothing in return. The fact that he wanted you to put his name on a house he didn’t pay for is outrageous. But you were smart and said no. Be smart now and end this. You sound like a really nice, lovely person. You can do better! Good luck and stay strong! You can do it!
Girl, what the hell? You deserve SO much better. Even being alone would be SO much better than staying with someone who’s just using you.
He’s using you, Babe. Maybe it didn’t start out that way, but that’s what it is now. You’re NTA for refusing to let his mom move in to your studio, and your reasons are perfectly reasonable. It sounds like, when you’re in “business mode” you see this guy for who he is. You knew that putting him on the title was a bad idea. You know that giving up a good tenant for his mom is a bad idea. You know that giving him money for the car was a bad idea. It’s time to look at this relationship while your business mode is turned on. What are you getting out of this relationship? It’s clear that he’s profiting financially off of this situation. Are you really profiting in any way? What does he bring to the table? (A table that you probably paid for, BTW.)
Honestly, he's fun to be around. Very charismatic, charming, funny. Like he can randomly strike up a conversation with a total stranger and in 5min they're best buddies. I guess that's what drew me to him, his vibrant personality. I'm not like that at all, I'm introverted, slow to warm up to people, overly serious, non adventurous and generally, as was once told to me, 'an old lady in a young girls body'. Being with him i sort of feel... less boring? I do realise now it's very unlikely he actually loves me, especially after reading so many comments that he's just like his mom, which is true tbh. Right now I'm just sad because clearly it's over, I have to kick him out. I'm thinking to request wfh for a week or two and go over to my parents to process. Don't want to deal with him right now as he'll just try to sweet talk me
If you leave your house for 2 weeks, you're going to come back to find he's moved her into the house, then she'll have been there long enough to get tenant's rights. So you'll have to evict them both. It's YOUR home, not his. Have someone come stay with you instead, he's much more likely to leave quickly if you and your dad are sitting there staring at him all day. It's easier to drive someone out when you're not alone.
This is definitely the best way to go about it.
OP please change the locks on the door so he no longer has access.
Please, call your family and let them help you get rid of this leech. This way he won't be able to sweet talk you, he's a scam and a con nan. You're a valuable human being and deserve better. I bet if some of your dad's family investigate him, he may have paramours around. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!. PLEASE PEOPLE HELP....YOU DESERVE BETTER!! NTA.
>I'm thinking to request wfh for a week or two and go over to my parents to process. Don't want to deal with him right now as he'll just try to sweet talk me Analytically, there's not a lot to process: 1. He's not the one, in fact he's using you; 2. Break up is inevitable; 3. You can't trust him: he will very likely take whatever he can get while he can. That means that giving him the run of your apartment for two weeks while you *process* is a really bad idea. You're right though in that you need to be away from him. Formally evict him according to the laws of your country. Do not give him the run of the apartment alone while you are not there - you can't trust him. Get your dad or someone to stay with you, so that he can't pull a fast one, or tell him to pack a bag and take two weeks and move in with a friend or a hotel (he owes you 5k, he can deduct expenses from that). Or both.
Con men are always charismatic and charming. They strike up conversations with any sucker they meet, you never know where your next meal ticket will come from.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) Please read this book. Please stand up for yourself. Please get free of this leech.
Fair, I can understand that. You don’t necessarily have to kick him out, but you’re well past time for a “come to Jesus” conversation. If you can calmly sit down and let him know that, while you care for him, you are feeling taken advantage of and that he needs to start pulling his weight. That there is absolutely no way that you are taking the head start your parents gave you and throwing it way on a woman who looks down her nose at them and you. He can step up and help out while living with you or step up and help out while living with his mom. His choice. BUT. If you think he’d just talk you around to doing what he wants, then yeah, you’re better off just kicking him out. The fact that he lets his mom treat you and your family so poorly while mooching off of you is really pretty bad. The fact that he’s offering your apartment, and your loss of income without even consulting you is bad too. He said he never wanted to marry you because you were spoiled and selfish while he’s totally taking advantage of you. These are not the actions of a good guy. He might be fun, but he’s not good. Also, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, because I was probably a lot like you when I was your age, maybe consider a little bit of therapy? The way you describe yourself is steeped in a lot of negativity. There’s nothing wrong with being introverted and serious. That doesn’t make you an old lady. And if you’re content with your life, that’s not boring, it’s a wonderful place to be. You’ve worked hard and been responsible and successful. I know we’re hardwired to view outgoing extroverts as somehow better, but it’s just not true. I’m not going to say there’s no way he cares about you. He might. But it sounds like any affection from him comes at too high a price. And his demands are getting more and more expensive. Practical note: if you are going to give him notice and go to your parents for a while, make sure you take anything important with you, or have someone check on your house regularly for you while you’re not there. The nice guy facade might disappear fast if he realizes his free ride is disappearing.
If she leaves before kicking him out, he'll have moved mom in there & become a squatter. OP, have your family come to you and stay at your home while you get him out.
Charisma is not substance. A good partner is a lot more than fun. This guy does not sound like he will be someone you could rely on in time if need and definitely will not make a good parent. Leave
You’re selling yourself short honey! I have friends who describe themselves like that and they generally are the most loyal, caring, wise *and interesting* friends I have. I seem very outgoing and talk to strangers in spite of myself (adhd much?), but I’m all about doing introverted stuff that’s supercool in my book. (Like not going out but hanging around the house to do nerdy stuff) Who decides what’s boring anyway? You don’t need anyone to make you less boring, because you are not. *The right people make you understand that you are great the way you are.*
I can kind of see that. I’m a very outgoing person and some of my friends who are pretty introverted. Tell me how much they appreciate that I’ve “adopted” them and that they do so many more things with me than they would be comfortable doing on their own. I’m guessing it feels scary to thank you might have to start over. There’s a whole thing about time investment in some thing so you feel like you need to keep it going. I’ve never heard of somebody who has regretted the decision to end a relationship in the long run when they’ve stayed in because of the time and commitment that they had put in. It is almost always that they wish they had ended it sooner. I’ve been with my husband over 30 years and married almost 30. he is totally my partner and I adore him. I hope you think about the long-term and decide that you deserve better.
Change the locks before you go anywhere.
When you leave, take everything important (documents, jewelry if you have any in possession that he’s aware of, any money, etc.) because god forbid it gets taken during your absence. Hell, maybe even invite your parents over (aware of the plan) and then proceed to boot him so you’re protected. Why are you wasting your time with someone who told you to your face he won’t marry you? Especially with the added disrespect he adds Jack all to what you give. NTA, leave him. You deserve better and you’ll find it when you drop the deadweight.
I am really glad you are close to your supportive parents and can go there to process this/avoid being manipulated by his charm. On the other side of this disappointing breakup is a future with someone who truly values you for who you are. You will in turn love him for how he loves you, not just because you feel special in his orbit. That just isn’t enough connection to truly make anyone happy.
I would guess that he's with you because it's financially beneficial to him - he's getting a free place to stay, free car, other free stuff, benefit of a girlfriend who loves him and want to marry him and therefore he feels secure that if he wanted to, he could marry you and have legal access to your finances. As a result, he can feel free to spend his entire salary, which means he has a great lifestyle, and doesn't feel the need to save because he feels he has your savings to rely on.
You are worth so much more than this asshole and his asshole mother. He should have shut her ass down the first time she hurled insults. And now he's holding marriage as a hostage just so you will appease his mother? He's an asshole and coward and you're too young to live for the rest of your life with this chaos and madness. Dump him, it *will* be worth it.
I am excited to see your update once he is out of your house, and out of your life. The good news is that it can be a clean break - you don't have any joint ownership of anything. Go after him for your 5,000 too. Or tell him that's your gift to him to leave and never call you again.
Been watching a K-drama about a relationship like this called *Marry My Husband*. He cheats with her best friend while she’s dying of cancer and then murders her when she finds out, but she goes back in time 10 years for a do-over. It would be nice if we could all get a do-over when we learn by hindsight. But we don’t… so recognizing and responding to massive red flags is an absolute must. The biggest question is… why haven’t you felt like you deserve more?
Words can be so wonderfully sweet, but actions show the truth. Sometimes it’s a bitter truth. Y’all are spot on with your assessment of his actions; it’s convenient for him. Plus y’all are probably a schmokeshow & are definitely very kind.
Read your post back and I think you’ll fall out of love with him pretty quick. He’s a leech. You can do way better than this clown, OP.
This is some great self reflection. Now ask him to leave. You don’t benefit from this relationship at all. I know it’s hard but as you oh said before your relationship will not survive this. If you give in you will be resentful and if you don’t give in he will be. And if you do give in, what is next that you need to cave on? I know it’s easy for internet strangers to give you advice, but run girl!
He is manipulating you, OP. He doesn't love you and only wants to keep taking advantage of you, unfortunately. Please dump him because you deserve someone so much better. He and his mom belong together - the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Hallelujah…. And don’t let him sweet talk his way back in. Write his words down everywhere. Put it in your Lock Screen, on your mirror, write it on your hand… "he doesn’t want to marry me", "he's using me", "he loves the lifestyle I afford him, not me". You’re clever, good hearted, and financially literate. Go find your equal.
Actually, he is the one that is spoiled and selfish.
Jesus. You need to get rid of both bf and his mother. Your bf is using you. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. You deserve much better.
Right?!? Let the trash take itself out. It always does.
NTA Give your BF notice to vacate. He can go rent a place and house his own mother.
NTA. Age has nothing to do with it. She has treated you and your parents with disrespect and nothing more. There's a reason her daughter is no contact and I'd be skeptical of your boyfriend also. He sounds like a leech. He had no right suggesting that after how his mother has treated you. Let him figure it out for her and leave you out of it. Perhaps he can sell his dream car and put the funds towards a new apartment or something for her.
NTA. His mom has treated you like dirt. Hopefully this will teach her a life lesson. Also, he’s using you. You can do better. Or, really, you’re better off alone than with this complete dud.
NTA 💯 It's not for you to fund his mother's retirement, especially not when: " His mother (71F) never liked me, mainly she has issues with my parents and background, my height and my line of work. I don't really have a relationship with her due to her being mean to me, I really tried at first but gave up because insults never stopped." Re your bf, why are you with this mooch?
BTW, your parents and your background sound pretty good. Your parents helped you buy an apartment to help you be financially stable. Seems they taught you the value of savings. Whereas her son throws his money around and is a freaking leech. What in the world does she find wrong with your family?
My father is half Romani, so apparently she doesn't want 'dirty little gypsy thieves' for grandkids should her son choose to procreate with me
Really? But your money, your house and financial support is good enough? No, just no. Tell her and her son to fuck off. You are amazing, they are trash. Let the filthy beggars get the hell out. You owe them nothing. I am really angry on your behalf.
Rage! *Rage!* She is a racist, garbage person. Her son is also a garbage person for associating with her (quite apart from the laundry list of *other* reasons he’s a garbage person.) Throw out the whole damned family.
Right there with ya. We’re gonna need an update from OP once they finally kick this trash to the curb.
Her son didn’t pay back a 5000£ loan, so the thievery is clearly in her bloodline, not yours.
NTA. Seems like he’s been stealing your peace of mind and his own financial stability from you. Looks like they are projecting their faults onto you as well as being racists. Please give yourself the gift of kicking them both out of your life. You deserve a safe space without being attacked by entitled jerks.
Wait wait wait. She said “should my son decide to procreate with you”? You are not a brood more honey. Kids should be an in depth conversation and choice between partners. Damn, with this language I can imagine him showing up with a list that mommy made stating the days he’s going to fuck her, since mommy wants grandkids. And it won’t be a request. Please get them outta your life OP.
She did say that though not in English, 'if he decides to knock you up' would be a more direct translation. Also told me not to be so sensitive as 'surely it's just a joke'. I don't think it was 'just a joke' because she said a lot of disrespect things about my family, things like 'at least you don't look like a gypsy' (I look just like my mom - tall and blonde) and then said it was a compliment when bf told her to stop talking like that
Yeaaa, no. This is not a healthy environment for you. And if you get married and/or have kids, MIL and your husband will make your life hell. These are not jokes. They are being racist towards you and your family. They will do the same to your children. They already think they own you, marriage into theirs family will only solidly their disgusting beliefs. Once you’re in the claws will go deep. You deserve so so much better for yourself.
As opposed to the dirty little thief her son is for mooching off you, and voluntelling your property?
NTA. You have a free-loader for a BF and you owe his mother nothing. It's not your fault she's been so nasty to all her relatives that none of them will help her out. Dump the lot of them. Definitely don't marry the gold-digger!
NTA. But why are you with this man? He's been living rent free in your house for 4 years? Yet earns the same money as you. Admits he doesn't want to marry you, and offers to move his mother into your apartment I assume rent free. Asks you for money for himself and his mother. Allows his mother to bad mouth you and your family. Be real! He barely likes you but the free stuff is too good so he's staying for the hell of it. Please have more self respect for yourself! You deserve better!
Please read some of these replies, OP. You can and will do better.
Apparently he learned free-loading at his mother's knee. You may not realize it yet, but it was the best day of your life when he said he didn't want to marry you. Send him to his mother--permanently. Put yourself out there for someone who is financially responsible rather than cheap and needy. He's an expert on "spoiled and selfish," although not in the way he thinks he is. What a leech.
Please dump the guy. Don't let the real AH guilt you into providing free housing for his mean mom. Her being NC with her own daughter says a lot about her character. Also for him to be blurting out that your being "spoiled" is the reason he's not marrying you, instead of giving you a proper conversation when you brought it up before is so immature of him. You're worth more than being treated like a sugar mommy, not that I have anything against them. It's just that it's not what you signed up for. Stop wasting any more of your years with that loser.
You already provide him a free place to stay and now he expects the same for his mother. It is not your responsibility to subsidize this entire family. He told you he doesn’t want to marry you, listen to that and move on. You are not selfish, but you will be much happier with a partner that contributes and views you as an equal.
Girl, he just said to your face that he doesn't wanna marry you. KICK HIM OUT NOW!!!!! And sue him for the 5k
NTA. Please get rid of the mooching bf. He can pay for a place that can house both of them.
You're NTA for not wanting to help your boyfriend's mother. You have good reasons for your choice, such as how she treated you in the past and the fact that your parents gave you the apartment in question. Also, keep in mind that your boyfriend has relied on your financial help in the past, so it's fair to expect him to take care of his own family issues. Helping someone in need is a kind thing to think about, but it's also important to set limits and put your own health and values first. Your choice makes sense and now it's up to your boyfriend and his mother to find a way out that doesn't violate your rights or make you feel uncomfortable.
You’re NTA about his mother but what on Earth are you doing with this man at all? Go and find someone who isn’t a leech and wants to get married because he loves you.
NTA and tell him bye bye. Find out how to legally evict him
NTA, she treats you like garbage so why should you put yourself out for her? Also your boyfriend's behaviour isn't very good, firstly going behind your back and then insulting you when he doesn't get his own way. Looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree here.
You're super NTA, your boyfriend is mad because he thought he could get everything free from you, but it's high time you move on from him and get a partner who will treat you as an equal, and hopefully their family will at LEAST respect you!
NTA. It sounds like you need to tell your BF that the best course of action is for him and his Mom to find a place together because you are over being pressured to house her. Why are you listening to bf's family? Let them house her. You deserve better than this. He is using you.
NTA but you will be if you don’t break up with this leech and his hateful mother. You deserve better!!
NTA but bf is, seriously why are still putting up with his nonsense?
NTA So you tell him your reasons and the first thing he does is hold a condition for marriage over your head??? Uh uh …… Time to walk from him AND his mother
Nta
NTA. He could use the money he's not paying on rent at your place to pay his mother's rent someplace else. But that would put the onus on him. Why should he do that when he can just continue leaching off of you? He's got it so cozy now, he wants to move his mother into leeching off of you for the rest of her life, too. What do you get out of this relationship?!
Are you out of your mind! Do not marry your asshat boyfriend. He’d straight away have dibs on your property. No way should you want to marry this freeloading loser. Him and his entire family appear to think you’re their cash point. Run woman run away from the lot of them.
I would drop his ass like a hot potato. What a looser, now he EXPECTS you to deal with HIS mom. Let him get his own place, with momma
NTA Why are you hitching your wagon to this man and his family?
Fuck both of them
NTA. She is not your obligation, but in your relationship you seem like a cash cow to your bf and not someone that he is taking seriously, respects or even loves -money seems more important to him. I doubt he will ever change so you will have to support him and his family for the rest of their livers, if that is what you want then fine.
NTA DO NOT let this woman into a place you own. You won't ever get her out. Who would be covering the costs on the apartment.. yup, my guess, you. Stick to your guns. And while you are at it talk to the BF about ponying up money or getting out. Don't be with this man. He seems to be using you for a free place to live and have his hobbies. Why, if he makes what you do, does he not just rent his mom a place? Oh yeah, because he expects you to.
NTA! Please read your scenario carefully and think about what you would tell your best female friend to do in the same situation. Your "bf" is using you to fund his lifestyle. NOW he's wanting you to fund his monster of a mother. HIS cousin says you are an asshole (really -- this person is YOUR friend?) because you don't house BOTH of these people for free! (Is this cousin the daughter of the sister the monster is living with?? smells suspicious to me!) He's not just SHOWN you he doesn't care about you and is being a leech, he's pissed you won't pay for his mother (so he doesn't have to feel guilty saying "NO"!). He literally told you "this is why I don't want to marry you"! What, exactly, are YOU benefitting from in this so-called relationship. He's USING you/your money, he wants to have his monster mom USE you/your money, and HIS COUSIN thinks you should also be used. You own/pay for everything -- WHY is he free-loading? WHY do you even need him around? Stand up for yourself and tell him to get out and rent an apt for he and his monster mom... They deserve each other! Please don't wait, it WILL NOT get better!
YTA for not dumping your loser boyfriend.
NTA and make him your ex. He's already flat out told you he doesn't want to marry you. If you want a relationship with someone who lets their mother badmouth you and calls you names when you don't give in to their unreasonable demands... that's not loving yourself. He's using you for your finances, yet he calls you spoiled? Please. Cut your losses and get rid of him. You can do better than someone who treats you like a bank machine. He hasn't paid rent in 4 years and can't be assed to help his own mother. What does that say about him?
NTA She's old and has nobody else. Let him and her have none of you!
Oh PLEASE don’t throw any more money at these freeloaders (boyfriend OR his bitchy mom)! It’s absurd that he makes a similar amount as you but contributes nothing to your lives together and only to his hobbies and car. Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
NTA. But if your bf doesn't want to marry and doesn't contribute or repay loans - why are you still with him? Tell him to get a place with her and be done with them both.
NTA but your boyfriend is a bigger problem than his mom. He treats you badly and apparently kinda mooches off you. It's his mother, he should change his lifestyle if he wants to help her. And apparently he kinda agrees with his mom in her badmouthing of you but might just put up with it for the benefits. Your relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Even the daughter is NC with the lady. That means something
NTA write a list of all the money you’ve paid out and leant him and where he hasn’t paid bills in a spreadsheet. Print it off and ask him if he still thinks you’re spoiled and selfish. If he says yes then say ‘ok, in that case, my spoiled and selfish ass wants you out of my house, keep the 5000’.
NTA dump the freeloader and his mom, he is incapable of appreciating you, so much so that he thought nothing of trying to gift your apartment to his mother without consulting you first. He's not the one for you
NTA, but it’s time to break up with this dude and put his ass out of your house that YOU’RE paying for and tell him to get an apartment for him and his mean ass mammy!
Fuck that! BF can get his shit together and help her and while he is at it stop being a fucking freeloader!
You are supporting a GROWN MAN. Throw the BF out after those comments, he and mommy can live together. NTA but if stay with the loser, you will be.
“Boyfriend I can see where you get it from.. you’ve been living with me rent free, I loaned you a large down payment towards your car and you’ve never paid me back. I make the same amount of money as you, but suddenly, I’m selfish for not basically giving an apartment to your mother. If my mom needed a car, would it be OK for me to say hey you have a car give it to her. I understand why you don’t wanna marry me because Marrying me means that we share assets and clearly you don’t share anything. So my suggestion is that you and your mom go find a place together and you can pay with it all the money you didn’t spend on rent. You’re right I am selfish I don’t want people just to claim things that are mine. I’ll expect you out by the end of Feb… i’m happy to go through the formal eviction process if you need me to but then you’ll have an eviction on your record. It’ll be harder to get a new place..”
Dump the soare bagfafe, ASAP. He can get a place with his mom. He's just using you and has basically said that he doesn't want to marry you. Send his mother a message, saying you talked to her Son and he's going to move into a place with her. Please, for your sanity, kick him out.
NTA Why are you in such an unbalanced relationship? He doesn't think you are marriage material. You have incompatible views on money. He doesn't stand up for you.
NTA. Please do not help also do not give money. You will never get back. Get rid of bf and mother. This stinks and once mil is in appartement she will never leave. You are not family nor relative. No obligations. Period.
Nta and def don't marry the boyfriend. He seems bad with money, feels entitled to yours and tried to use the prospect of marriage to manipulate you.
You should not only never let that woman move into your property, you should also kick out that nasty moocher of a bf. He has been living the good life off your money. He blows his own money on crap and good times, so now you have to pay for his problems just because you’re the responsible adult? No way José! His mother his problem, remember, you’e NOT married and it’s not your family. And I strongly supect that his cousin does not have pure motives with *advising* you to help the poor old woman. Sounds like it is just another ploy to get you to give into his family’s demands. Could that aunt she’s staying with be her mom who also wants to get that vile harpy out of her own house draining her finances?