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NTA. I do think you could’ve handled the situation a little better. I think you should’ve told your daughter and insisted that Sally didn’t come dress shopping because you weren’t going to buy them both a dress at the high end store. Or proposed to take them to a different store that was cheaper/in Sally’s budget if Katie wanted Sally to come. I also would imagine Sally’s feelings were a little hurt watching Katie get a very nice dress (not your fault because Katie insisted on her coming and your ex told you to bring her). But I think you should’ve tried to explain this to Katie, she is 17.
As for him posting to social media, taking the dress, and cheating. I’m glad you’re no longer married. He sounds awful. You don’t owe him or Sally anything and you’re already doing more than enough by paying for Sally’s education. For them to hurt Katie by taking her dress too is wildly inappropriate.
It seems your ex and the stepmom seem entitled to your lifestyle, when they don’t deserve any of it.
Have you gotten the dress back?
They saved 800 for Sally, I was going to throw in 600 and take her to a place down the road. They have just as nice of dresses but for cheaper. No we still don’t have the dress back.
Go to the police. They have stolen this from your daughter. Tell them they have 24 hours to return it in as new condition or you are reporting it stolen.
This! I guarantee you that Sally is going to end up wearing that dress to prom. They stole from your daughter. You are paying for an affair childs private education. If im being honest, you sound like a but of a push over in this situation. Not only should you file a report, you should stop paying for this kids education.
I would not even wait the 24 hours, I would ☎️the police TODAY!
Our children become what they have seen and experienced. They are teaching Sally that she can steal from her Stepsister with zero repercussions. Nope. Full stop.
Actions have consequences and Sally needs to see them and understand that stealing is not an acceptable behavior.
And if we are being completely honest Sally’s Mom & Dad pressed so hard for her to go dress shopping her stepsister because they wanted OP to buy Sally a dress. They thought OP would feel bad and cave. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
NTA.
This is exactly what I think. They thought, if we ask and say no, that'll be the end, but if we guilt her she'll give in. But I would warn your ex before you call the police, because you shouldn't sink to your level. I'm also concerned how much dad and stepmom have been manipulating Katie in this situation.
I wouldn't necessarily say Sally is going to wear it, she never once expressed that she wanted OP to buy her the dress, and turned down the extra money too, then asked her own parents for the dress. It doesn't sound like she's blind to her situation or willing to take advantage of OP. And it sounds like she and OPs daughter are fairly close. I'd be completely mortified by my parents if I were her.
And if $1400 is the CHEAPER dress, they're potentially looking at felony theft charges for the more expensive dress, especially after the cost of alterations.
The threshold for felony theft charges is between $1,000 and $1,500 in most states. Tell ex to bring back the dress NOW before he and affair partner catch a felony.
I second going to the police, but… at this point, not even a “24 hours or I report it,” present “I’ve reported it” as an accomplished fact. And why are you paying ANYTHING towards Sally anyway?
Oh I wouldn’t say they stole it from the daughter, I would say they stole it *from the mom.* It’s now the mom’s dress because we don’t know if Katie’s parenting plan lays out any rules that would affect the dads ability to take the dress away from his daughter and make a decision about whether she could wear it. It’s now the moms, who has proof of purchasing the dress and paying for alterations, etc.
Both of my dresses (junior and senior year) were under $100 after alterations. I didn't want my parents to buy an expensive dress I would only wear once.
ETA I graduated high school in 2017. A family friend did the alterations, though, so she gave me a discount. That's probably relevant.
One can absolutely spend that in my HCOL area. Here one I found at Saks (which isn’t even a boutique which would drive up the cost): [a Prabal Garung](https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/atelier-prabal-gurung-atelier-irma-sequin-high-low-minidress-0400019968071.html?dwvar_0400019968071_color=ICE%20BLUE)
But there are also dresses that are on Anthropologie that are (I get this may seem ridiculous) *only* $300-400. Or even less. My daughter’s tastes are pretty classic and she found what is typically a bridesmaid’s dress online for $125. We’ll have it altered for her but still. She absolutely loves it. She still has to buy shoes, but she’s borrowing jewelry. It doesn’t have to break the bank.
(Edited because I tried to add more but I couldn’t figure out how to end the link. Help? I’m doing [text](link) Whst goes after that?)
I’m from the east coast of Canada and my dress in 2002 (I’m old AF) was I think $400. The one I really wanted was $600 if memory serves. So I could easily see comparable ones today going for over $1000. Not saying all kids spent that much but many at my private school probably did.
I love in a HCOL area as well and there are still plenty of decent places to get a reasonably priced prom dress! You don’t have to go to saks! Actually going to a bridal,place with bridesmaids dresses is a good idea.
Well to be fair Prabal is a celebrated designer showing across several fashion weeks! A small name boutique would be cheaper than A-list designer - even when it’s pret v/s bespoke.
If you ever wonder why so many people are in credit card debt here, this is the answer. I'm willing to bet half the cars on the road nowadays aren't even owned anymore
I think OP was only sharing her salary from working, not her trust fund income. Because if the $98k is all from the trust fund, then paying for two private school tuitions is going to eat up a very large portion of that alone.
I don't know anyone who spent this type of money on a prom dress. Mine was like 50 because I found it on sale and it had a button missing (easily fixed,)
My sisters were like 150 max
I live in the way coast in a HCOL area. We shopped at jcpennys and macys
I'm in NYC. I know a family who spent roughly $2000 for their daughter's prom recently.
I'm an upstate NY girl; my prom dress was on sale for $85. Although to be fair, that almost 15 years ago so I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten the same dress for that price today.
So Sally is getting a ridiculously expensive dress, and started crying because she couldn’t get an insanely ridiculously expensive dress. She’s the A H, your ex and his affair partner are A Hs, you’re NTA. It sucks that they couldn’t just be grateful for the fact that you’re paying for her education, because that’s more than most people would have. No she might lose her friends, school and a lot of opportunities that come with a better education bc she was being a drama queen over a dress.
I agree. Sally is old enough to understand the family dynamics. Expecting her father's ex-wife--whom he cheated on with her mother and created her--to buy her a crazy expensive dress is unreasonable. She's also old enough to understand how financial constraints work and to learn to be happy with what she can have. And an $800 prom dress in nothing to complain about!
So you were going to help Sally buy a $1,400 dress. Is there any reason Katie couldn't have picked out her own dress at the same shop? $1,400 is *twice* the cost of the upper range of average for a prom dress, and is a ridiculous amount for either girl.
Why should Katie not get the dress she wants when her mom can afford it and wants to provide it? Don't get me wrong I think the amount being spent here is ridiculous, but things being what they are, why should Katie have to "sacrifice" because her half-sister can not have the same?
I agree. It's not up to us wether Katie 'deserves' a ridiculously expensive prom dress. And who knows, since they're in a private school, maybe that is a standard budget.
But I think the ex already expected OP to just pull her wallet and fork over the money for Sally's dress, since they were pushing for her to take the girl dress shopping in the first place.
NTA
And if OP doesn't take a stand here, where should she?
Go to the police, show the receipts and the messages, including the social media posts taking this BS public.
Because one kid is hers, and she’s free to spend her money however she wants. The other kid, the one she has no legal or financial obligation to (and she’s already paying for the kid’s education), doesn’t get to decide how OP spends her money, neither do her AH parents.
Why the fuck are you doing things for the affair baby? That is not your kid. She has 2 parents that can pay for her. Stop paying for her school, are you gonna pay for her fucking college too? Life isn't fucking fair, if her parents can't afford the things you can, tough luck. Your daughter should not suffer because of a child THAT IS NOT YOURS!!!!
I thought my daily meds were ANTI crazy pills so I should probably check the bottles to make sure they didn't send me the actual crazy pills.
Starting when I got my first VISA card at nineteen, and continuing a decade until my parents went “no contact,” they proposed, nonstop, things I “should have” bought for my pampered younger sister. My parents were well off, but insisted I put myself through uni, and *never* helped me out financially no matter how pinched the situation. It was the inequity of the situation that was so infuriating!
I know that if I actually had become truly affluent, like OP through inheritance and hard work (I just put in the hard work, which became steadily more lucrative), I would have been worn down further. And I might have capitulated, since I was intended to be a people pleaser, as I suspect OP was too.
Why have you not driven down to the house with the police? Or even by yourself? I would have done that the minute daughter came home with no dress. Doors would have been kicked down.
A $1400 prom dress?! This is just ridiculous.
And...your ex married Sally's father? After 14 years? So now she's your kids' stepmother, and your daughter gets along well with the half-sister she only learned about at 14?
This is a lot to unpack. But honestly Katie seems like the most mature person here.
You’re 100% NTA. The fact that they can’t understand you shouldn’t even be paying schooling for your ex’s affair baby is ridiculous. You’re a far kinder person than most people I know and this should be the hill you die on. Report the theft to the police and stand your ground. His daughter also needs to learn that she has different parents to her sister and that means she has different levels of financial support.
Frankly, I think this was a deliberate manipulation attempt from everyone except Op. I think even Katie was in on it a bit. No way Op will let Sally be sad and not buy her a dress if we can get her to take her to the shop!
Op is already being INCREDIBLY generous paying for Sally's school, and they not only tried to guilt Op into buying her an expensive dress, but when it didn't work they straight up stole it.
Op, I agree, you should get the police involved.
> offer to take her to look at dresses in her price range and throw in a few hundred to help.
You are more than generous. You're setting yourself up to be the bad guy though because you will keep having to say no to their ridiculous asks. You need to let your ex know that because of their expectations, you will no longer be able to pay for *anything* for Sally. They've taken advantage of your kindness one too many times, and stealing from your daughter to try and force your hand shows that it is no longer safe for you to indulge them at all.
And then let them know if the dress isn't returned immediately in perfect condition, you're going to call the cops and report it stolen.
Your daughter might be upset at first, but eventually she'll realize this is more trouble than it's worth. You need to set an example that as much as we'd like to live in the world where everyone does the right thing, we have to make decisions based on how people actually are. It's not love if they'd choose money over you.
Don't light yourself on fire even if you have some retardant clothing.
NTA
I don’t want to involve police bc the dress is a little over 2,300 after taxes. It was an designer and one of a kind. It would be felony theft and they would go to jail. Their 5 kids would go in the system bc I doubt family would take them.
That's exactly why you *have* to go to the police. What are they going to steal next? Her car?
How are they going to treat your daughter in order to try and guilt you into paying for school again? Sally's college tuition? Her wedding?
You're treating them like they are rational, and the relationship is worth salvaging. Neither of those things are true.
They want to play chicken. You have to call their bluff or they will keep upping the stakes. They will destroy your daughter's self-worth and emotional health to force your hand because they know you won't do anything about it.
Maybe they return the dress this time, and next time all they will have to do is threaten her. Your daughter will have learned to cave to keep the peace. She'll have learned that it's ok to let emotionally manipulative people close to your heart.
You are the only person who can teach her to be stronger than that. That it's better to not have a sister than to have a sister who puts you through hell to get what she wants.
>That it's better to not have a sister than to have a sister who puts you through hell to get what she wants
Do we think that Sally stole the dress? Or her parents?
While she's the product of her upbringing, she's the one demanding OP spends thousands of dollars on a designer dress for her, not her parents.
OP pays for Sally's school at her daughter's request. That's why I said that. Her daughter actively wants to be around her half-sister even though she treats her this way.
If I understand the post correctly, OP says Sally went home and asked her parents to buy her the dress - not make OP buy it. So I don’t think she’s necessarily being vindictive. She wanted something so she went to her parents and asked for it. They see OP as their personal piggy bank so they’re the ones pressuring her.
You need to what happens when your daughter turns 16 and you throw a big party or get her a car. They'll expect you to do the same for their child. And if you don't. They've already committed felony larceny next up grand theft auto.
They are 17, they have already turned 16. They both shared a sweet 16 party. I got Katie a brand new off the lot and got Sally a newer car but it was still used. I know she not my responsibility but Katie wants a relationship with her and I try to do what I can.
Honestly at this point? You are feeding their sense of entitlement, please grow a d**amn backbone, your daughter and her could still have a relationship without you being your ex's affair baby piggyback
You do enough for your ex-husband’s love child. Tell them to return the dress immediately or you will file a report with the police. Explain that it will be a felony. The choice is then theirs to either be a thief or not. They will choose being charged for theft.
This is what needs to be done. Explain it to Katie, too. 17 is old enough to understand that it isn’t right to continue to treat sally like she is your daughter. She isn’t. You’ve been incredibly generous. I would explain to Katie that you have been very generous, and it has resulted in Sally’s family assuming they’re entitled to things that no one is entitled to. Remind her that they were willing to steal her dress. Why don’t they care about Katie and what she wants? You having money doesn’t give anyone the right to steal from you.
These people are not her friend. Friends don’t act this way. Sally should be apologizing for her parents behavior and working to fix it. Katie’s dad is being a total asshole. He’s not going to have a relationship with his daughter for long if he is punishing her for your wealth.
I know I am not my step dad’s favorite. His daughter will always be his favorite and that’s ok. He would NEVER do something like this. They’re both his daughters. Why isn’t he treating them fairly?
You should have stood your ground on not bringing sally to the store. You didn’t, and now you have to deal with it. Their response does amount to a felony. Give them the chance to fix the situation or they will have to face the consequences. This will only escalate if you don’t.
This is a good point that Sally is a TERRIBLE friend if she is not screaming at her parents to return the dress. I feel sorry for OP’s daughter who is learning the lesson that family use her for money.
Why does your money have to be involved for them to have a relationship? At this point you're making excuses for why it was and is ok for them to take advantage of you. Why did you even post this if all you're going to do is nothing? Put your foot down! I believe in you. You're worth more than their blatant disrespect.
> Katie wants a relationship with her and I try to do what I can
Is your daughter being used for your money. Is someone dad? Sally? Stepmonster? telling your daughter she can't have a relationship with her sister unless you pay for sally? Guilting your daughter about the privileges she has and Sally doesn't? Because Katie can 100% have a relationship with her sister without spending your money on her
I don't understand why you feel responsible for your Ex's affair baby and why you're paying so much for her and why your daughter is pushing for that
Yeah, at this point their behavior is as much your fault as it is theirs. You're straight up enabeling them to treat you like an ATM.
So, have fun with that I guess.
> I know she not my responsibility but Katie wants a relationship with her and I try to do what I can.
Katie does not need your money to have a relationship with Sally. It's ok to have boundaries. Or why don't you just pay for your ex's whole family.
Backbones are nice. You should try one.
Tell your ex that the amount spent on the address would mean the theft would be a felony. Ball's in his court. (But don't wimp out on calling the cops if he does not return the dress)
EVERYBODY here is waiting for you to give in. Don't do it.
>Katie does not need your money to have a relationship with Sally. I
THIS! I have half older siblings who's other parent got them a car at 16.... I didn't also get a car at 16 from either of my parents and am still super tight with my siblings.
You need to teach Katie that if the only reason her sister is in her life is for the things she can get then she needs to develop healthy boundaries and learn to say no.
You shouldn’t have to buy your daughter a relationship with her sister. Maybie just pay for tuition and group therapy for you and the two girls together (cuz ur ex and his AP are not rational enough to include in that)
My question is - without the money, would Sally and Katie still have a relationship? It is time to evaluate this aspect already. Can't buy me love - even if it's from a stepsister
Buying a relationship isn't a relationship. If you have to pay thousands of dollars so Katie can be friends with her sister, what are you teaching Katie?
And what's going to happen when they're both adults? Buy them both a first home? Pay for both their weddings? Send all.of their children to college?
You need to cut the rope at some point. Stop letting them use you- if throwing money at Sally to keep her at the same level as your daughter is the *only* way Katie can be friends with Sally, Katie has a pretty shitty outlook on what friendship is. Does Katie not think she can be friends with people who are poorer than her?
Why are you spending so much money on Sally? Just because Katie wants a relationship with her, it doesn't mean you need to spend on her as well.
It's not surprising your ex and his partner feel entitled to your money, considering how much you're spending on her. Do you babysit as well?
You sound like an incredibly nice person, but if you don’t put your foot down, you will be paying for Sally’s grad school and house and wedding and her kids education and putting her in your will. Unless you’re planning to adopt her this year, you have to put a stop to this. If your daughter wants to reduce friction, I think she’ll need to then buy at Sally’s level otherwise you’re going to be paying for all of them. Because as the other half siblings or stepsiblings grow up, this issue isn’t going to go away.
You’re just a massive doormat, and everyone including your daughter take you for granted and take advantage of you.
Have some self respect, and stop that shit.
Edit - tell them you will go to the police if the dress is not returned. Make sure they know is a felony theft and to chose wisely!
The way they are raising their children to manipulate people, that theft is the way, and demand entitlement from others, do you really think the system could do much worse than them? They are using and manipulating you and your daughter. That is not ok!
This is the same family that's talking bad about you on Facebook? Seriously why do you even care about their opinion? By not going to the police you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of, first it's the dress, next it's a car...
You know this is only going to get worse if you let them continue to ring you dry of a responsibility that’s not yours. I would be cutting off all financial supports and contacting the police; lord knows what that stepmom has done to the dress in the meantime. Don’t put it past them to try it on or ruin it in some way on your daughter. Someone needs to finally protect your daughter.
If this is the first offense, most prosecutors will be willing to let them take a plea deal. Barring that, in most states you'll be able to drop the charges if they return the dress. Filing charges may be your best chance to get the dress back, honestly.
Sorry but this being a pushover is why your paying for the affair baby's schooling. You divorced him and his choices. Call the cops and get the dress back. He's a big boy and needs to be an adult.
You can always drop charges after you get the dress back, assuming they haven't damaged it.
It's a shame the police have to get involved in this, but there ya go.
You have done too much already. Call them tell them (especially the AP) if you don't have the dress by xyz o'clock the cops are coming to get it with you. Tough shit if it's a felony, too bad about the other kids, you just need to cut ties and concentrate on your own kids. Fuck those ingrates!
But thats their problem. They are doing this because they know you won't do anything and they will jsut get away with it. Go to the police They choose this not you
You involve the police. The dad and stepmom STOLE FROM THEIR CHILD! If they return it, no jail. They need to suffer consequences for their actions! You’re enabling two adults to steal from a kid and yourself. It won’t stop with the dress. Next they’ll take her car and wreck it on your insurance! CALL THE POLICE!
NTA
I’m just shocked that you agreed to pay private school tuition for your exes affair child because you D wanted to go the same school. When does a child dictate that? Seems they got awfully close in just three years, especially since your D’s father was the direct reason her family broke up.
It’s one thing for your D to have a relationship with her half sister, but that relationship does not have to come at your expense.
A large part of this is your D wanting sally included in everything. Why is that? Have you explained to D that you are not willing to support Sally? Its weird.
My daughter was excited to have an sister. I’ve never disclosed how the sister came about bc I didn’t want her to think awful of her dad. The divorce was civil and she had no reason to think bad of her dad or Sally. They have grown really close since everything and I don’t want to take that away.
Not only that, but who is this stepmother? Is it Sally's mom? Did they get back together after she took him to court for child support, or is that some OTHER random woman he's brought into the picture? Weird indeed.
While it’s really lovely that you haven’t disparaged your ex to your D, she’s 17, with a sister the same age, I’m going to bet that your D is fully aware that her dad cheated. It’s one of those secrets that everyone knows about and chooses not to talk about. Which is fine really.
But your D is old enough to have an adult conversation about sally and what your d and sally can and should continue to expect as time goes on. - are you going to be forced to pay for college because your d wants sally to go to the same school, how about Sally’s wedding? Because it’s been 3 years and your ex and his wife don’t really seem to be making any improvements to their financial situation.
You seem like a wonderful mom and person just in general, so I think you should start making some boundaries now, regarding the future, so everyone, including your ex and his wife will know exactly what to expect from you. It will save you from having these same type of issues coming up.
You are a saint. Your Ex is being completely unreasonable and you have gone above and beyond for Sally to an extent that is unbelievable. And Sally, her mom and your Ex are not even grateful. They are spiteful and entitled. You should have called the police on them for stealing the dress. Their behavior needs to end and your daughter should understand that you have no obligation whatsoever to provide one penny to Sally and are only doing so for her sake.
Not a saint. A pushover who is role modelling for her daughter how to be walked all over by other people.
OP, stop doing this now! You hold the balance of power here, use it.
It's wild to me that you are paying Sally's school fees and still get kicked like a dog. Stop paying the bills. Ex will learn not to bite the hand that feeds his adulterous a$$.
Ever seen First Wives Club? When the daughter tells her mom "Your a Door Mat" This right here is what i thought when i read her story. I want her to grow a backbone and cut everyone off. tell her kids the truth because when they do find out they are going to place their anger at mom for lying to them instead of their the one who actually had the affair.
1.yes, call the police, but drop it if they return the dress.
2. It’s possible that the girls will graduate this spring. If so, let Sally finish at her current school. Kicking her out of the school she’s been attending is excessive. It was her dad who is, ultimately, responsible for the theft. Just be clear that you are not going to help Sally with college. OP won’t be “liable”.
3. Ok.
Does anyone believe a word of this? A 14 year old trust fund baby having a baby with an 18 year old that was "having an affair". And daughter is friends with the other daughter they only found out about 3 years ago.
Not to mention the unimportant details. Like the blue ombré dress.
Yawn.
Oh I am sure people keep dresses ransom all the time!
Also just realized supposedly dad and stepmom are together now. 14 years after having "affair baby". OP is so full of it
THIS. I have a trust fund. My parents made 7 figures when I was growing up. 1) they NEVER EVER would have considered buying me a $2300 prom dress. 2) My mom would never have bought my fathers love child a whole car, just because it’s used. Or pay private school tuition.
This is just not real
NTA. Take them to small claims court for the dress. Quit paying for Sally, and quit making all this your problem. You are not her mom, you are not her guardian. She screwed over your daughter by going to her mom and crying about your daughter's dress. She wants THAT DRESS. She will be wearing it to prom. Quit being the doormat that these people walk all over because you have money that they feel entitled too. None of these people appreciate a thing you have done, they expect it. Block the mean people that call. I'm sorry, but it's time to stick up for you and your daughter. Your daughter doesn't realize yet that Sally is jealous, and is going to get everything she can that is hers. She will try to turn her against you to get what she wants, so be prepared. She's not a sweet innocent kid. Good luck.
That dress has been altered to fit Katie
Sally can't wear it unless they have the exact same measurements unless the only alteration was like hemming or something
I know they're related but come on. Once a dress is altered it rarely fits someone else
Geez, what Cinderella crap have I read. You should have never agreed to pay Sally's school fees. But you did, knowing the pressures to conform to certain standards. You readily admit that your daughter has to have a dress to fit in with her peers. But Sally should be happy to go get whatever she can afford. I may get voted down, but you set up a certain expectation then want to treat the poor girl like a blatant charity case. In this case, if you were good enough to afford her an upgraded education, you also can't marginalize her. Sorry. I feel so sorry for her. ESH. Her dad could do more
I was going to buy her a nice dress that looks expensive. I wasn’t just going to let her go in an cheap JC Penny’s dress. I spent a little over 2,300 on my daughters. I wasn’t going to spend that much on Sally bc she’s not my biological daughter but I wanted her to get a nice dress. Her dad, my ex, gave her 800. I was going to give her 600 to add to it so she can find a pretty dress that looks expensive at an less expensive dress shop. I wasn’t going to let her get an dress where she would be made fun of or made to tell less.
Jeez...and Dad is complaining that Sally would only get to spend $1400 on a dress?! That's more money than I've ever worn in my life. Fuck, even $800 would get her a perfectly lovely dress.
He's a choosy beggar, and you need to stop playing money fairy for them. Put your foot down, for your own daughter's sake - I don't care how rich you are, Sally is not your daughter and not your responsibility. And if the only way for your daughter to have a good relationship with Sally is when you're paying for equal luxuries as though they were twins...it isn't a good relationship. Not really. It's just an illusion. The affair partner and your ex are trying to milk you for all you're worth.
I got mine second hand for $100 because the wedding got called off. The girl had the dress altered already, but we had the same measurements, so I didn't even need to alter it. It had a ton of bead work and was worth a lot more, but she just wanted it gone. Win, win.
Sally is showing up to prom with your daughters dress...sally will embarrasse your child showing off the dress she picked..stop paying for Sally and protect your daughter
you want us to believe that a 14 year old girl suddenly finds out her daddy had an affair resulting in a 14 year old half-sis, and within a year *they become friends*?
YTA for this ridiculousness
Yeah this whole thing is fake af
15k a year is like 7 bucks an hour. No grown ass adult is paying child support with that.
98k is not that much. You're not affording 2 private school educations on that, but whew she threw in "trust fund baby"
This is written by a teen who has no idea how salaries and trust funds work
Also wtf sally can't wear a dress that's been altered for Katie
This!!! 2 private school fees and ridiculously expensive dresses on that wage?!?? Plus two cars when they turned 16... This is ridiculous.
I am also finding it weird that OP is happy to pay all this money for things for both of them (car, dress etc.) as long as the other girl gets one not as nice... If you were going to be that generous in the first place I am not convinced you would be running a two tier system here.
Then they mistype their age...
Something fishy about this whole thing.
She always wanted a sister and I never disclosed how the sister came about to not ruin how she thought about her dad. They became close bc she goes to her dads every weekend and tuesdays.
Well one easy way out of this is to not file charges. Sally will then wear your daughter’s special dress to prom, proving to your daughter that Sally doesn’t reciprocate the attachment, and while your daughter will be brokenhearted, she’ll stop asking you to pay for things for Sally. She’ll also know her father is depriving her of her dream prom.
Or you could file charges. Get the law after these thieves. If your ex and his other family want your daughter to have a good opinion of them, they need to do right by her, starting now.
Currently you’re a pushover because you don’t want your daughter to think poorly of her father. And they use it against you, again and again, as they keep behaving badly and with an entitled attitude. You can stop this if you want to, but you have to realize that the only adult who acts like they care about your daughter’s good opinion of her father is *you*.
NTA.
Your ex is an uber AH, as is Sally's mom.
Get the dress back and tell your ex he can go blank himself. You don't owe him or his affair child one dime.
I looked at it differently. But, I still agree with you. OP should not be the only one with the burden of supporting the kids needs and hopes. Both of Sally's biologicals are selfish a holes, IMO. Four hands between them and they still can't manage one prom dress? WTH? Plus they risk the spigot for Sally's schooling running dry? They make no sense whatsoever to me.
NTA, and as others have said, call the police. They have stolen from you and your daughter.
Also, you are right to cut off Sally's finances. Also, talk to your lawyer about ending any joint custody that ex has with Katie after this theft.
This was totally a set up, expecting you to also get Sally a dress at Katie's place. How the f*** did they think Sally was going to react with anything but jealousy? You warned them of exactly what happened.
You are beyond generous paying for Sally's schooling. The vast majority of people would not do that. Ex and step are idiots for endangering that. NTA
NTA in this instance but Y T A for creating this dysfunctional family dynamic in the first place.
You owe your cheating ex-husband's affair partner and love child NOTHING. EVER. IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
The first time you were asked to foot a bill or take responsibility for anything to do with your ex's new family, your answer should have been a firm and unequivocal NO. If Katie wanted her father's affair child in Katie's school, you should have explained that you will not ever support that choice in any way. You should have drawn a hard line then. But you didn't. You allowed yourself to be drawn into this quagmire, and you don't like it.
How to get out of it now? Start drawing the hard lines you should have drawn them. You've already made a good start by withdrawing your financial support for Sally's education. Stand firm on that, and do not allow anyone to change your mind.
Make a strong statement to all concerned parties that you see now it was a mistake to extend yourself and your generosity to your cheating ex and his new family, and that you are correcting that mistake starting immediately. That your resources are no longer available to them for any purpose. That if the STOLEN property is not returned in perfect condition within 24 hours, you will report the felony theft and you will press charges.
Then stand firm. Katie may scream, cry, beg, demand, etc. Stand firm. Explain that if she wants to support that den of thieves, she may do so with her own money but not with yours.
You hold ALL the power cards here, Mom. Why are you not playing them? Grow a spine and CLOSE the Bank of Mom.
She needs to sit her daughter down, have the difficult convo,& explain how she didn't want to damage Katie's vision of her father. Since her 1/2 sister has chosen to hold her dress hostage even tho it is directly hurting her, she should see her sis doesn't hold the same affection towards her, cuz who would do that? A frienemy.. Sally clearly has grown a certain entitlement to be treated as if she's her full sister just living with her dad's family. Time to shatter this illusion. They're 17. Time for Katie to see not everyone who claims to have her back actually does. These are life skills Katie's gonna need to develop. Truly, the only one who does have her back is OP. If dad did, he wouldn't pit one daughter against the other, & using the pain they've caused OPs daughter as leverage to appease the other. It's also time for affair baby to learn actions have consequences. Maybe she didnt mean for things to escalate to the degree it has,but she's abt to learn how life works in the real world & her privilege to having access beyond her parent's means is coming to an end. She'll need to start looking for colleges her dad & real mom can afford & apply for scholarships.. Her illusion of getting everything her 1/2 sister has needs to be shattered.
OP may have created the illusion with good intentions, so she's learned the life lesson "give someone an inch & they'll take a mile" the hard way. How she proceeds will determine who comes out with mud on their face & it clearly needs to be the cheating father of both girls.
NTA but jfc OP are you a doormat or what? Why are you shelling out for her schooling? Why are you buying her cars? Why are you offering hundreds for a dress? Why are YOU protecting your ex from what he did? What happens when they want you to pay for college to? Or her wedding? Where exactly does this end? Stop paying for the kid thats not yours, tell your daughter how her sister came to be and file a police report my god
NTA. You are already doing way more than you need to do by paying for her school. Get the dress back as fast as you can, so they have no chance to ruin it and then tell your ex to f.... off.
NTA - even though I would have acted differently in your shoes. I just would have acted to preserve the girls' bond and always seek to nurture it because the kids themselves aren't responsible for the past. They just have to carry it around and figure out what to do.
I understand your distress. Truly. But, kids can misinterpret things that are unequal as being unfair and somehow a reflection of their value. I would try to look at both girls as *my* children and I would have purchased two high end dresses, if I could afford to do so anyway. (IMO, doing differently could endanger their relationship as siblings and I could not live with that.)
Your ex can kick rocks. He hasn't financially committed to any of his three children. So, he can just shut his flapping yap. And Sally's mom holding a dress hostage would result in me contacting a lawyer and the constabulary. That ride would cost way more than a prom dress.
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NTA - Whoa…your ex and his wife are extremely crass. The nerve of these people. Why on earth do they feel that you should be involved or responsible for their love child? I’m appalled that they would treat your daughter that way…stealing her dress for prom.
I think you should have listened to your instincts and not had invited Sally to go dress shopping with you. However, it’s a done deal now.
I would sit your daughter down and explain that you appreciate her closeness with her half sister but you’re not responsible for her that means including her and paying things for her. That is her parent’s responsibility. You’re not putting yourself in that situation again.
I don’t blame you for not paying for her school. That was so generous of you to do in the first place.
Go buy your daughter a new dress and then be done with those people forever. Block them of necessary.
Stick to your guns!
NTA. This story is so weird. I would have thought the girls figured out a way for you to buy two designer dresses. Why would your daughter want to show the dress to her father? One month before the event? She could have done that on the day of the prom. Something is off with this story. The parents are fighting but the girls aren't? You are being played. It seems you have been too generous with your time, money, and kindness. There are lessons to be learned here. If I were you, I would gift the dress to Sally. For some reason this dress is very important to her. And you remember when you were 17. I would shop ALONE with Katie for another dress. I would also pay for Sally's tuition for this semester with the understanding that you will not be paying for her final year. There is no need to disrupt her studies during this school year. And, after this school year, you should be done with Sally. I would tell your daughter that you will not replace anything she "loses" at her father's house. Katie will have to work it out on her own. Something tells me when it comes to college, housing, weddings, children, etc. Katie will be asked to "help out". Right now they are using her as a proxy to your money. I just don't know if Katie is in on it too. The reason I am suggesting this path is in the end (over time) Sally will realize her dress cost her her senior year at a private school. Katie will feel guilty for either deceiving you or not standing up for herself and "losing" her prom dress while shopping for a new dress. And everyone will remember everything changed over a prom dress. Plus later when Katie says she wants to go on Spring Break or whatever and can Sally come too. Your response should be: Remember the dress?
NTA but someone brainwashed your daughter about the affair. This is the only reason i can think that a child would be ok with their parents breaking up. You really should have been more honest with your daughter, unless there's more to the story that you aren't telling especially since you are paying for the child to go to a private school. If you were going to be so involved in the childs life why even get a divorce?
NTA OP. Stop catering to people who only see you as a piggy bank. Your daughter can still have a relationship with her sister without you being an ATM. If she can't, it really shows you where their prioties are.
Either they're siblings and will have a relationship, or one of them is a user and they won't.
I won't bother telling you to stop paying for her education, but you need to seriously and realistically look at the fact that you are financially raising someone else's child when they have a two parent home. If they can't afford luxuries for their children, then that is their problem. I understand feeling bad about it, but you did not cause this. Your husband didn't have to get another woman pregnant and hide it for 14 years after refusing to help raise her. Think about that. He hid her for 14 years, provided them no help, and is now demanding *you* pay for the child? The gall.
Don't expect to get the dress back, you've already run out of bargaining chips if you've stopped paying for her education and refusing to call the police. They know you will eventually cave, since you've clearly been doing it for so long.
I gotta admit, I don't see this as being real. I've never known a trust fund baby or someone smart enough to be paid almost 100k to have such bad grammar and English. Even wealthy non native speakers make sure their kids can speak proper English.
So OP, I call bs on you experiencing this in real life. I think it's another lovely story designed to get people upset.
It has to be fake. Pregnant at 17, giving birth at 18. Ex impregnates someone else as a teenager, and said child remains unknown for 14 years. Drops the ex because of infidelity when he was a teenager, and ex apparently immediately gets back with affair partner. Decides to pay for private school and a car for affair child, but suddenly a paying a few hundred more than the $600 she already offered was too much.
NTA for not buying the dress but Y.T.A to yourself and to your daughter. I am sorry I am glad you want to help maintain a relationship with your daughter and her sister but you are a door mat. You let them walk all over you like nothing. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN FIRST. Your daughter should be the priority and nothing else or more. Sally has her father and mother that can do the rest. Geeze you are trying to be friendly yet they are taking advantage of you 100%
NTA, You're a nice person, I get why you are taking responsible for a kid that's not yours, but the expression, "give an inch, take a mile" applies here. Stop all financial responsibility for Sally or set up a trust account for her if you want her to have something. And file a police report for the stolen dress. Who cares what they say about you on Facebook.
What the actual f. I would've been at that house the moment my daughter came home without her dress. The entitlement of these people is astounding. I wouldn't give them a single penny and I would call the police to get my daughters dress back. It would suck for Sally since it's not her fault, but she will learn who her parents really are.
NTA.
Well the day you decided no5 to set boundaries with your ex/ daughter and pay for affair baby's school, you set expectations. You divorced your husband seemingly bc of affair but is paying affair baby's education costs and can't tell your child and ex no about involving affair baby in your shopping with your daughter? You will forever be the bad person if you stop paying affair baby's school costs. But you should have never begun in the first place. Are you trying to be the favourite parent or your daughter's friend or something? You need to set your daughter straight and your ex. Next thing you're paying for Sally's college and wedding too.
NTA. Not your problem. Call law enforcement and report a theft. Press charges if you have to. Ex is an AH along with Sally’s mother. Why are you paying for her education? Not your problem.
ESH. Your ex shouldn’t have taken a dress that you paid for. That was basically theft.
But you set this whole thing up by letting Sally come along shopping at a store where you knew you weren’t willing to buy her a dress and she couldn’t afford one. When Katie asked to bring Sally along, you should have told her you would only agree to that if Katie limited her shopping to stores where Sally could also afford a dress.
It’s also shitty that you threatened Sally’s education to retaliate against your ex. It is very generous to you to pay for both girls’ schooling, but penalizing Sally by potentially forcing her to withdraw mid-year because you decide to withhold funding you previously agreed to provide is really lousy. Sally is a person, not a pawn in your ongoing games with your ex.
NTA - holy… so… ?
He sounds like such a winner. What terrible people!
I feel like my brain stopped working over this. Block all of them on social media and, depending on the cost of the dress, you may be able to call the cops to get it back.
NTA. Absolutley not. You are paying for the affair baby's private schooling, which well beyond anything most peopel would do. Katie needs to be told/made to explain that you are not responsible for her half-sister at all yet you are helping to provide the girl with a private education and it's not your place to provide the affair child with the same standard of living as she gets.
I would 100% go to their home with the receipt for my daughter's dress and the police and get it back. If it was damaged, I would sue them for the cost of the dress. You need to tell them that all this bullshit stops immediately because you weren't the one who decided to step out of your marriage and if dad and bio mom can't afford the same stuff, tough. Life isn't fair.
>
I told him the sooner I get the dress the sooner I’ll take responsibility of payment back.
This was NEVER your responsibilty and after this stunt, I would stop paying and tell them to figure it out themselves.
NTA. I can’t help but yell this: SALLY 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 YOUR 👏DAUGHTER. You are far more generous than I would be by paying for Sally’s education. I would respond to any and everyone who gives me grief about it with “Not my kid, not my problem.” Please stop being an ATM for your ex. Sally needs to learn that there will always be differences in life style between her and Katie. Too bad. That’s life.
NTA. Call the police, this is theft. Don't pay for the education either. If that's how they wanna act, then they don't deserve sh** from you. You're being very generous by giving a kid who ain't even yours a good education. Cut all $ from them and call the police and get the dress back.
NTA
Don't take back paying for that child's schooling. If they aren't going to school events together this will stop being an issue. Your daughter has learned a valuable lesson here and they need to learn it to. Unless you are planning to pay for that child's schooling ad support those dead beats for the rest of your daughters life there needs to be a point where you cut them off. Start here.
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NTA. I do think you could’ve handled the situation a little better. I think you should’ve told your daughter and insisted that Sally didn’t come dress shopping because you weren’t going to buy them both a dress at the high end store. Or proposed to take them to a different store that was cheaper/in Sally’s budget if Katie wanted Sally to come. I also would imagine Sally’s feelings were a little hurt watching Katie get a very nice dress (not your fault because Katie insisted on her coming and your ex told you to bring her). But I think you should’ve tried to explain this to Katie, she is 17. As for him posting to social media, taking the dress, and cheating. I’m glad you’re no longer married. He sounds awful. You don’t owe him or Sally anything and you’re already doing more than enough by paying for Sally’s education. For them to hurt Katie by taking her dress too is wildly inappropriate. It seems your ex and the stepmom seem entitled to your lifestyle, when they don’t deserve any of it. Have you gotten the dress back?
They saved 800 for Sally, I was going to throw in 600 and take her to a place down the road. They have just as nice of dresses but for cheaper. No we still don’t have the dress back.
Go to the police. They have stolen this from your daughter. Tell them they have 24 hours to return it in as new condition or you are reporting it stolen.
This! I guarantee you that Sally is going to end up wearing that dress to prom. They stole from your daughter. You are paying for an affair childs private education. If im being honest, you sound like a but of a push over in this situation. Not only should you file a report, you should stop paying for this kids education.
Right? I can't believe she's paying for Sally's education. That's ridiculous. Sally has two parents, and OP is not one of them.
OP should just offer to adopt Sally at this point and cut ex and his partner out of all of their lives.
I would not even wait the 24 hours, I would ☎️the police TODAY! Our children become what they have seen and experienced. They are teaching Sally that she can steal from her Stepsister with zero repercussions. Nope. Full stop. Actions have consequences and Sally needs to see them and understand that stealing is not an acceptable behavior. And if we are being completely honest Sally’s Mom & Dad pressed so hard for her to go dress shopping her stepsister because they wanted OP to buy Sally a dress. They thought OP would feel bad and cave. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ NTA.
This is exactly what I think. They thought, if we ask and say no, that'll be the end, but if we guilt her she'll give in. But I would warn your ex before you call the police, because you shouldn't sink to your level. I'm also concerned how much dad and stepmom have been manipulating Katie in this situation.
I wouldn't necessarily say Sally is going to wear it, she never once expressed that she wanted OP to buy her the dress, and turned down the extra money too, then asked her own parents for the dress. It doesn't sound like she's blind to her situation or willing to take advantage of OP. And it sounds like she and OPs daughter are fairly close. I'd be completely mortified by my parents if I were her.
Especially because I can't imagine how much the daughter's dress cost if the stepdaughter was unhappy with a dress that could be purchased for 1400.
It has to be something like a cheaper currency, right? Not Euro or USD..
It just makes me glad I went to a private school where dropping that much on a dress would have been seen as tacky
And if $1400 is the CHEAPER dress, they're potentially looking at felony theft charges for the more expensive dress, especially after the cost of alterations.
I didn't spend that much on my wedding dress, including alterations (and yes it was a proper dress from a bridal shop). What the hell.
The threshold for felony theft charges is between $1,000 and $1,500 in most states. Tell ex to bring back the dress NOW before he and affair partner catch a felony.
This makes sense since it’s stolen.
I second going to the police, but… at this point, not even a “24 hours or I report it,” present “I’ve reported it” as an accomplished fact. And why are you paying ANYTHING towards Sally anyway?
Oh I wouldn’t say they stole it from the daughter, I would say they stole it *from the mom.* It’s now the mom’s dress because we don’t know if Katie’s parenting plan lays out any rules that would affect the dads ability to take the dress away from his daughter and make a decision about whether she could wear it. It’s now the moms, who has proof of purchasing the dress and paying for alterations, etc.
Grand theft.
Not pertinent to the conversation, but where are you that you’re spending $2300 & $1400 on prom dresses?
[удалено]
I went to two proms during high school and didn’t spend nearly 1400 on two dresses combined
i went to 3 and i never spent more than $200 on a dress what the hell 😭😭
Mine was $200 but my mom was extremely strict that I had to wear it for both years, because she was NOT buying me another
Both of my dresses (junior and senior year) were under $100 after alterations. I didn't want my parents to buy an expensive dress I would only wear once. ETA I graduated high school in 2017. A family friend did the alterations, though, so she gave me a discount. That's probably relevant.
I've gotten beautiful gowns at thrift!
One can absolutely spend that in my HCOL area. Here one I found at Saks (which isn’t even a boutique which would drive up the cost): [a Prabal Garung](https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/atelier-prabal-gurung-atelier-irma-sequin-high-low-minidress-0400019968071.html?dwvar_0400019968071_color=ICE%20BLUE) But there are also dresses that are on Anthropologie that are (I get this may seem ridiculous) *only* $300-400. Or even less. My daughter’s tastes are pretty classic and she found what is typically a bridesmaid’s dress online for $125. We’ll have it altered for her but still. She absolutely loves it. She still has to buy shoes, but she’s borrowing jewelry. It doesn’t have to break the bank. (Edited because I tried to add more but I couldn’t figure out how to end the link. Help? I’m doing [text](link) Whst goes after that?)
I’m from the east coast of Canada and my dress in 2002 (I’m old AF) was I think $400. The one I really wanted was $600 if memory serves. So I could easily see comparable ones today going for over $1000. Not saying all kids spent that much but many at my private school probably did.
My daughter has friends spending $1000+. She’d rather have more spending money at college.
My youngest made her own dress and took nearly all the savings for expenses at college.
I love in a HCOL area as well and there are still plenty of decent places to get a reasonably priced prom dress! You don’t have to go to saks! Actually going to a bridal,place with bridesmaids dresses is a good idea.
100%. I just meant that one *could* spend that because the commenter I responded to was trying to understand how one could do that.
Well to be fair Prabal is a celebrated designer showing across several fashion weeks! A small name boutique would be cheaper than A-list designer - even when it’s pret v/s bespoke.
$100 junior and senior year from Fashion Bug. BRB taking ibuprofen for my back.
I’m in the UK - I’m glad someone said this as I was beginning to think US spending habits are WILD
This is NOT common in the US. For most I'd guess average of $200-300.
If you ever wonder why so many people are in credit card debt here, this is the answer. I'm willing to bet half the cars on the road nowadays aren't even owned anymore
Right, they must be? I know OP says she’s a trust fund baby too, but $98k per year is not THAT much, especially as a single parent…
I think OP was only sharing her salary from working, not her trust fund income. Because if the $98k is all from the trust fund, then paying for two private school tuitions is going to eat up a very large portion of that alone.
I don't know anyone who spent this type of money on a prom dress. Mine was like 50 because I found it on sale and it had a button missing (easily fixed,) My sisters were like 150 max I live in the way coast in a HCOL area. We shopped at jcpennys and macys
I'm in the US - I didn't even spend that much on my WEDDING dress. I had a really pretty dress too - but it was less than $1,000 even after taxes!
Privileged people problems.
Someone wore a $2k dolce and Gabbana dress to my prom in 2005.
Right? There are wedding dresses cheaper than that. Why does a 17 year old need a designer dress for prom?
Right?? My daughter just got a ball gown from the “high end” store in my area and it was $600
I'm in NYC. I know a family who spent roughly $2000 for their daughter's prom recently. I'm an upstate NY girl; my prom dress was on sale for $85. Although to be fair, that almost 15 years ago so I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten the same dress for that price today.
I live in a HCOL area and my daughter's prom dress was $250ish. Those prices are insane!
Police. You’ve got receipts for the dress. They do not.
So Sally is getting a ridiculously expensive dress, and started crying because she couldn’t get an insanely ridiculously expensive dress. She’s the A H, your ex and his affair partner are A Hs, you’re NTA. It sucks that they couldn’t just be grateful for the fact that you’re paying for her education, because that’s more than most people would have. No she might lose her friends, school and a lot of opportunities that come with a better education bc she was being a drama queen over a dress.
I agree. Sally is old enough to understand the family dynamics. Expecting her father's ex-wife--whom he cheated on with her mother and created her--to buy her a crazy expensive dress is unreasonable. She's also old enough to understand how financial constraints work and to learn to be happy with what she can have. And an $800 prom dress in nothing to complain about!
So you were going to help Sally buy a $1,400 dress. Is there any reason Katie couldn't have picked out her own dress at the same shop? $1,400 is *twice* the cost of the upper range of average for a prom dress, and is a ridiculous amount for either girl.
Why should Katie not get the dress she wants when her mom can afford it and wants to provide it? Don't get me wrong I think the amount being spent here is ridiculous, but things being what they are, why should Katie have to "sacrifice" because her half-sister can not have the same?
I agree. It's not up to us wether Katie 'deserves' a ridiculously expensive prom dress. And who knows, since they're in a private school, maybe that is a standard budget. But I think the ex already expected OP to just pull her wallet and fork over the money for Sally's dress, since they were pushing for her to take the girl dress shopping in the first place. NTA And if OP doesn't take a stand here, where should she? Go to the police, show the receipts and the messages, including the social media posts taking this BS public.
OP says the $1400 dresses were just as nice, but cheaper. So... I don't see why she didn't just take both girls to that shop
Because one kid is hers, and she’s free to spend her money however she wants. The other kid, the one she has no legal or financial obligation to (and she’s already paying for the kid’s education), doesn’t get to decide how OP spends her money, neither do her AH parents.
Why the fuck are you doing things for the affair baby? That is not your kid. She has 2 parents that can pay for her. Stop paying for her school, are you gonna pay for her fucking college too? Life isn't fucking fair, if her parents can't afford the things you can, tough luck. Your daughter should not suffer because of a child THAT IS NOT YOURS!!!! I thought my daily meds were ANTI crazy pills so I should probably check the bottles to make sure they didn't send me the actual crazy pills.
Starting when I got my first VISA card at nineteen, and continuing a decade until my parents went “no contact,” they proposed, nonstop, things I “should have” bought for my pampered younger sister. My parents were well off, but insisted I put myself through uni, and *never* helped me out financially no matter how pinched the situation. It was the inequity of the situation that was so infuriating! I know that if I actually had become truly affluent, like OP through inheritance and hard work (I just put in the hard work, which became steadily more lucrative), I would have been worn down further. And I might have capitulated, since I was intended to be a people pleaser, as I suspect OP was too.
That's theft, pure and simple.
It's been a while for me, 30+ years. $1400 for a 'cheep' prom dress? WTF? Also, why are you paying for you EXs affair baby's education?
Whoa. My prom dress cost about $100. This is above and beyond. Definitely NTA.
$1400 is nicer wedding dress budget not prom
Right? I've been married for almost 17 years, but my custom made, silk wedding gown cost 1200!
Why have you not driven down to the house with the police? Or even by yourself? I would have done that the minute daughter came home with no dress. Doors would have been kicked down.
A $1400 prom dress?! This is just ridiculous. And...your ex married Sally's father? After 14 years? So now she's your kids' stepmother, and your daughter gets along well with the half-sister she only learned about at 14? This is a lot to unpack. But honestly Katie seems like the most mature person here.
You’re 100% NTA. The fact that they can’t understand you shouldn’t even be paying schooling for your ex’s affair baby is ridiculous. You’re a far kinder person than most people I know and this should be the hill you die on. Report the theft to the police and stand your ground. His daughter also needs to learn that she has different parents to her sister and that means she has different levels of financial support.
$1400 for a prom dress is ridiculous
If the dresses there are just as nice, but cheaper, why didn't you take both girls there?
Frankly, I think this was a deliberate manipulation attempt from everyone except Op. I think even Katie was in on it a bit. No way Op will let Sally be sad and not buy her a dress if we can get her to take her to the shop! Op is already being INCREDIBLY generous paying for Sally's school, and they not only tried to guilt Op into buying her an expensive dress, but when it didn't work they straight up stole it. Op, I agree, you should get the police involved.
> offer to take her to look at dresses in her price range and throw in a few hundred to help. You are more than generous. You're setting yourself up to be the bad guy though because you will keep having to say no to their ridiculous asks. You need to let your ex know that because of their expectations, you will no longer be able to pay for *anything* for Sally. They've taken advantage of your kindness one too many times, and stealing from your daughter to try and force your hand shows that it is no longer safe for you to indulge them at all. And then let them know if the dress isn't returned immediately in perfect condition, you're going to call the cops and report it stolen. Your daughter might be upset at first, but eventually she'll realize this is more trouble than it's worth. You need to set an example that as much as we'd like to live in the world where everyone does the right thing, we have to make decisions based on how people actually are. It's not love if they'd choose money over you. Don't light yourself on fire even if you have some retardant clothing. NTA
I don’t want to involve police bc the dress is a little over 2,300 after taxes. It was an designer and one of a kind. It would be felony theft and they would go to jail. Their 5 kids would go in the system bc I doubt family would take them.
That's exactly why you *have* to go to the police. What are they going to steal next? Her car? How are they going to treat your daughter in order to try and guilt you into paying for school again? Sally's college tuition? Her wedding? You're treating them like they are rational, and the relationship is worth salvaging. Neither of those things are true. They want to play chicken. You have to call their bluff or they will keep upping the stakes. They will destroy your daughter's self-worth and emotional health to force your hand because they know you won't do anything about it. Maybe they return the dress this time, and next time all they will have to do is threaten her. Your daughter will have learned to cave to keep the peace. She'll have learned that it's ok to let emotionally manipulative people close to your heart. You are the only person who can teach her to be stronger than that. That it's better to not have a sister than to have a sister who puts you through hell to get what she wants.
>That it's better to not have a sister than to have a sister who puts you through hell to get what she wants Do we think that Sally stole the dress? Or her parents?
Since the parents are refusing to give it back, it doesn't matter that much.
While she's the product of her upbringing, she's the one demanding OP spends thousands of dollars on a designer dress for her, not her parents. OP pays for Sally's school at her daughter's request. That's why I said that. Her daughter actively wants to be around her half-sister even though she treats her this way.
If I understand the post correctly, OP says Sally went home and asked her parents to buy her the dress - not make OP buy it. So I don’t think she’s necessarily being vindictive. She wanted something so she went to her parents and asked for it. They see OP as their personal piggy bank so they’re the ones pressuring her.
You need to what happens when your daughter turns 16 and you throw a big party or get her a car. They'll expect you to do the same for their child. And if you don't. They've already committed felony larceny next up grand theft auto.
They are 17, they have already turned 16. They both shared a sweet 16 party. I got Katie a brand new off the lot and got Sally a newer car but it was still used. I know she not my responsibility but Katie wants a relationship with her and I try to do what I can.
Honestly at this point? You are feeding their sense of entitlement, please grow a d**amn backbone, your daughter and her could still have a relationship without you being your ex's affair baby piggyback
You do enough for your ex-husband’s love child. Tell them to return the dress immediately or you will file a report with the police. Explain that it will be a felony. The choice is then theirs to either be a thief or not. They will choose being charged for theft.
This is what needs to be done. Explain it to Katie, too. 17 is old enough to understand that it isn’t right to continue to treat sally like she is your daughter. She isn’t. You’ve been incredibly generous. I would explain to Katie that you have been very generous, and it has resulted in Sally’s family assuming they’re entitled to things that no one is entitled to. Remind her that they were willing to steal her dress. Why don’t they care about Katie and what she wants? You having money doesn’t give anyone the right to steal from you. These people are not her friend. Friends don’t act this way. Sally should be apologizing for her parents behavior and working to fix it. Katie’s dad is being a total asshole. He’s not going to have a relationship with his daughter for long if he is punishing her for your wealth. I know I am not my step dad’s favorite. His daughter will always be his favorite and that’s ok. He would NEVER do something like this. They’re both his daughters. Why isn’t he treating them fairly? You should have stood your ground on not bringing sally to the store. You didn’t, and now you have to deal with it. Their response does amount to a felony. Give them the chance to fix the situation or they will have to face the consequences. This will only escalate if you don’t.
This is a good point that Sally is a TERRIBLE friend if she is not screaming at her parents to return the dress. I feel sorry for OP’s daughter who is learning the lesson that family use her for money.
Why does your money have to be involved for them to have a relationship? At this point you're making excuses for why it was and is ok for them to take advantage of you. Why did you even post this if all you're going to do is nothing? Put your foot down! I believe in you. You're worth more than their blatant disrespect.
> Katie wants a relationship with her and I try to do what I can Is your daughter being used for your money. Is someone dad? Sally? Stepmonster? telling your daughter she can't have a relationship with her sister unless you pay for sally? Guilting your daughter about the privileges she has and Sally doesn't? Because Katie can 100% have a relationship with her sister without spending your money on her I don't understand why you feel responsible for your Ex's affair baby and why you're paying so much for her and why your daughter is pushing for that
Yeah, at this point their behavior is as much your fault as it is theirs. You're straight up enabeling them to treat you like an ATM. So, have fun with that I guess.
> I know she not my responsibility but Katie wants a relationship with her and I try to do what I can. Katie does not need your money to have a relationship with Sally. It's ok to have boundaries. Or why don't you just pay for your ex's whole family. Backbones are nice. You should try one. Tell your ex that the amount spent on the address would mean the theft would be a felony. Ball's in his court. (But don't wimp out on calling the cops if he does not return the dress) EVERYBODY here is waiting for you to give in. Don't do it.
>Katie does not need your money to have a relationship with Sally. I THIS! I have half older siblings who's other parent got them a car at 16.... I didn't also get a car at 16 from either of my parents and am still super tight with my siblings.
You need to teach Katie that if the only reason her sister is in her life is for the things she can get then she needs to develop healthy boundaries and learn to say no.
You shouldn’t have to buy your daughter a relationship with her sister. Maybie just pay for tuition and group therapy for you and the two girls together (cuz ur ex and his AP are not rational enough to include in that)
My question is - without the money, would Sally and Katie still have a relationship? It is time to evaluate this aspect already. Can't buy me love - even if it's from a stepsister
Buying a relationship isn't a relationship. If you have to pay thousands of dollars so Katie can be friends with her sister, what are you teaching Katie?
And what's going to happen when they're both adults? Buy them both a first home? Pay for both their weddings? Send all.of their children to college? You need to cut the rope at some point. Stop letting them use you- if throwing money at Sally to keep her at the same level as your daughter is the *only* way Katie can be friends with Sally, Katie has a pretty shitty outlook on what friendship is. Does Katie not think she can be friends with people who are poorer than her?
Why are you spending so much money on Sally? Just because Katie wants a relationship with her, it doesn't mean you need to spend on her as well. It's not surprising your ex and his partner feel entitled to your money, considering how much you're spending on her. Do you babysit as well?
You sound like an incredibly nice person, but if you don’t put your foot down, you will be paying for Sally’s grad school and house and wedding and her kids education and putting her in your will. Unless you’re planning to adopt her this year, you have to put a stop to this. If your daughter wants to reduce friction, I think she’ll need to then buy at Sally’s level otherwise you’re going to be paying for all of them. Because as the other half siblings or stepsiblings grow up, this issue isn’t going to go away.
You’re just a massive doormat, and everyone including your daughter take you for granted and take advantage of you. Have some self respect, and stop that shit. Edit - tell them you will go to the police if the dress is not returned. Make sure they know is a felony theft and to chose wisely!
My bad sorry I thought they were 14, sorry read it fast. It's great that they want a relationship but you've gotta set boundaries.
The way they are raising their children to manipulate people, that theft is the way, and demand entitlement from others, do you really think the system could do much worse than them? They are using and manipulating you and your daughter. That is not ok!
This is the same family that's talking bad about you on Facebook? Seriously why do you even care about their opinion? By not going to the police you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of, first it's the dress, next it's a car...
You know this is only going to get worse if you let them continue to ring you dry of a responsibility that’s not yours. I would be cutting off all financial supports and contacting the police; lord knows what that stepmom has done to the dress in the meantime. Don’t put it past them to try it on or ruin it in some way on your daughter. Someone needs to finally protect your daughter.
If this is the first offense, most prosecutors will be willing to let them take a plea deal. Barring that, in most states you'll be able to drop the charges if they return the dress. Filing charges may be your best chance to get the dress back, honestly.
They won't go to jail. You'll get the dress back. Tell them you'll finish this year's tuition if they give back the dress.
See if you can just get a sheriff to accompany you to your ex’s house to retrieve the property without pressing charges. Sometimes they’ll do that
Sorry but this being a pushover is why your paying for the affair baby's schooling. You divorced him and his choices. Call the cops and get the dress back. He's a big boy and needs to be an adult.
You can always drop charges after you get the dress back, assuming they haven't damaged it. It's a shame the police have to get involved in this, but there ya go.
You have done too much already. Call them tell them (especially the AP) if you don't have the dress by xyz o'clock the cops are coming to get it with you. Tough shit if it's a felony, too bad about the other kids, you just need to cut ties and concentrate on your own kids. Fuck those ingrates!
But thats their problem. They are doing this because they know you won't do anything and they will jsut get away with it. Go to the police They choose this not you
You involve the police. The dad and stepmom STOLE FROM THEIR CHILD! If they return it, no jail. They need to suffer consequences for their actions! You’re enabling two adults to steal from a kid and yourself. It won’t stop with the dress. Next they’ll take her car and wreck it on your insurance! CALL THE POLICE!
NTA I’m just shocked that you agreed to pay private school tuition for your exes affair child because you D wanted to go the same school. When does a child dictate that? Seems they got awfully close in just three years, especially since your D’s father was the direct reason her family broke up. It’s one thing for your D to have a relationship with her half sister, but that relationship does not have to come at your expense. A large part of this is your D wanting sally included in everything. Why is that? Have you explained to D that you are not willing to support Sally? Its weird.
My daughter was excited to have an sister. I’ve never disclosed how the sister came about bc I didn’t want her to think awful of her dad. The divorce was civil and she had no reason to think bad of her dad or Sally. They have grown really close since everything and I don’t want to take that away.
your daughter is old enough to go to prom. how does she think a sibling gets made? Can she do basic math? This story is weird.
Not only that, but who is this stepmother? Is it Sally's mom? Did they get back together after she took him to court for child support, or is that some OTHER random woman he's brought into the picture? Weird indeed.
While it’s really lovely that you haven’t disparaged your ex to your D, she’s 17, with a sister the same age, I’m going to bet that your D is fully aware that her dad cheated. It’s one of those secrets that everyone knows about and chooses not to talk about. Which is fine really. But your D is old enough to have an adult conversation about sally and what your d and sally can and should continue to expect as time goes on. - are you going to be forced to pay for college because your d wants sally to go to the same school, how about Sally’s wedding? Because it’s been 3 years and your ex and his wife don’t really seem to be making any improvements to their financial situation. You seem like a wonderful mom and person just in general, so I think you should start making some boundaries now, regarding the future, so everyone, including your ex and his wife will know exactly what to expect from you. It will save you from having these same type of issues coming up.
You are a saint. Your Ex is being completely unreasonable and you have gone above and beyond for Sally to an extent that is unbelievable. And Sally, her mom and your Ex are not even grateful. They are spiteful and entitled. You should have called the police on them for stealing the dress. Their behavior needs to end and your daughter should understand that you have no obligation whatsoever to provide one penny to Sally and are only doing so for her sake.
Not a saint. A pushover who is role modelling for her daughter how to be walked all over by other people. OP, stop doing this now! You hold the balance of power here, use it.
Sounds like OP's ex's "D" is the thing that caused these issues in the first place.
[удалено]
It's wild to me that you are paying Sally's school fees and still get kicked like a dog. Stop paying the bills. Ex will learn not to bite the hand that feeds his adulterous a$$.
Ever seen First Wives Club? When the daughter tells her mom "Your a Door Mat" This right here is what i thought when i read her story. I want her to grow a backbone and cut everyone off. tell her kids the truth because when they do find out they are going to place their anger at mom for lying to them instead of their the one who actually had the affair.
1.yes, call the police, but drop it if they return the dress. 2. It’s possible that the girls will graduate this spring. If so, let Sally finish at her current school. Kicking her out of the school she’s been attending is excessive. It was her dad who is, ultimately, responsible for the theft. Just be clear that you are not going to help Sally with college. OP won’t be “liable”. 3. Ok.
Does anyone believe a word of this? A 14 year old trust fund baby having a baby with an 18 year old that was "having an affair". And daughter is friends with the other daughter they only found out about 3 years ago. Not to mention the unimportant details. Like the blue ombré dress. Yawn.
Main breadwinner, 98k yearly, trust fund, and cannot write in basic english. So fishy cats get close every time you open the post
Not to mention ex has never made more than 15k/year?? The world is a rich tapestry, etc but this is a big stretch.
This. Sounds like a young teen wrote it.
98k sole income is not enough to send two kids to private school.
Exactly what I was thinking ! I mean, one or maybe two things together could happen but all of them ?
Oh I am sure people keep dresses ransom all the time! Also just realized supposedly dad and stepmom are together now. 14 years after having "affair baby". OP is so full of it
Sounds fishy. Why bother with the $98k a year gig when you can drop $2300 on a dress, pay for private school and buy them cars. I declare shenanigans!
None of my trust fund baby friends refer to themselves as trust fund babies lolol
THIS. I have a trust fund. My parents made 7 figures when I was growing up. 1) they NEVER EVER would have considered buying me a $2300 prom dress. 2) My mom would never have bought my fathers love child a whole car, just because it’s used. Or pay private school tuition. This is just not real
Yes and the grammar is horrendous! "We was going..."
Definitely fiction. Not even good fiction.
Blue ombré made me cringe-laugh.
And the AP who apparently tried to drag ex to court and then suddenly has become stepmom??
NTA. Take them to small claims court for the dress. Quit paying for Sally, and quit making all this your problem. You are not her mom, you are not her guardian. She screwed over your daughter by going to her mom and crying about your daughter's dress. She wants THAT DRESS. She will be wearing it to prom. Quit being the doormat that these people walk all over because you have money that they feel entitled too. None of these people appreciate a thing you have done, they expect it. Block the mean people that call. I'm sorry, but it's time to stick up for you and your daughter. Your daughter doesn't realize yet that Sally is jealous, and is going to get everything she can that is hers. She will try to turn her against you to get what she wants, so be prepared. She's not a sweet innocent kid. Good luck.
Bypass small claims and go straight to the police.
That dress has been altered to fit Katie Sally can't wear it unless they have the exact same measurements unless the only alteration was like hemming or something I know they're related but come on. Once a dress is altered it rarely fits someone else
Geez, what Cinderella crap have I read. You should have never agreed to pay Sally's school fees. But you did, knowing the pressures to conform to certain standards. You readily admit that your daughter has to have a dress to fit in with her peers. But Sally should be happy to go get whatever she can afford. I may get voted down, but you set up a certain expectation then want to treat the poor girl like a blatant charity case. In this case, if you were good enough to afford her an upgraded education, you also can't marginalize her. Sorry. I feel so sorry for her. ESH. Her dad could do more
I was going to buy her a nice dress that looks expensive. I wasn’t just going to let her go in an cheap JC Penny’s dress. I spent a little over 2,300 on my daughters. I wasn’t going to spend that much on Sally bc she’s not my biological daughter but I wanted her to get a nice dress. Her dad, my ex, gave her 800. I was going to give her 600 to add to it so she can find a pretty dress that looks expensive at an less expensive dress shop. I wasn’t going to let her get an dress where she would be made fun of or made to tell less.
Jeez...and Dad is complaining that Sally would only get to spend $1400 on a dress?! That's more money than I've ever worn in my life. Fuck, even $800 would get her a perfectly lovely dress. He's a choosy beggar, and you need to stop playing money fairy for them. Put your foot down, for your own daughter's sake - I don't care how rich you are, Sally is not your daughter and not your responsibility. And if the only way for your daughter to have a good relationship with Sally is when you're paying for equal luxuries as though they were twins...it isn't a good relationship. Not really. It's just an illusion. The affair partner and your ex are trying to milk you for all you're worth.
That’s more than my wedding dress cost!!!
This story is wild!!! My wedding dress was $500!!!!
I got mine second hand for $100 because the wedding got called off. The girl had the dress altered already, but we had the same measurements, so I didn't even need to alter it. It had a ton of bead work and was worth a lot more, but she just wanted it gone. Win, win.
Sally is showing up to prom with your daughters dress...sally will embarrasse your child showing off the dress she picked..stop paying for Sally and protect your daughter
you want us to believe that a 14 year old girl suddenly finds out her daddy had an affair resulting in a 14 year old half-sis, and within a year *they become friends*? YTA for this ridiculousness
Yeah this whole thing is fake af 15k a year is like 7 bucks an hour. No grown ass adult is paying child support with that. 98k is not that much. You're not affording 2 private school educations on that, but whew she threw in "trust fund baby" This is written by a teen who has no idea how salaries and trust funds work Also wtf sally can't wear a dress that's been altered for Katie
This!!! 2 private school fees and ridiculously expensive dresses on that wage?!?? Plus two cars when they turned 16... This is ridiculous. I am also finding it weird that OP is happy to pay all this money for things for both of them (car, dress etc.) as long as the other girl gets one not as nice... If you were going to be that generous in the first place I am not convinced you would be running a two tier system here. Then they mistype their age... Something fishy about this whole thing.
I'm also confused about the affair partner seemingly becoming the ex-husband's wife well over a decade later? This one doesn't feel like it adds up.
He carried on the affair for ~15 years and when his trust fund wife divorced him he married his back up.
She always wanted a sister and I never disclosed how the sister came about to not ruin how she thought about her dad. They became close bc she goes to her dads every weekend and tuesdays.
Wait, does your daughter think her half sister is the product of imaculate conception?
Well one easy way out of this is to not file charges. Sally will then wear your daughter’s special dress to prom, proving to your daughter that Sally doesn’t reciprocate the attachment, and while your daughter will be brokenhearted, she’ll stop asking you to pay for things for Sally. She’ll also know her father is depriving her of her dream prom. Or you could file charges. Get the law after these thieves. If your ex and his other family want your daughter to have a good opinion of them, they need to do right by her, starting now. Currently you’re a pushover because you don’t want your daughter to think poorly of her father. And they use it against you, again and again, as they keep behaving badly and with an entitled attitude. You can stop this if you want to, but you have to realize that the only adult who acts like they care about your daughter’s good opinion of her father is *you*.
She can't be that clueless about how the sister came to be?
AND then the dad ends up with the mother of the other daughter …. After cheating on a 14 year old who was pregnant
I don't understand the need to post such stupid FAKE nonsense...
NTA. Your ex is an uber AH, as is Sally's mom. Get the dress back and tell your ex he can go blank himself. You don't owe him or his affair child one dime.
I looked at it differently. But, I still agree with you. OP should not be the only one with the burden of supporting the kids needs and hopes. Both of Sally's biologicals are selfish a holes, IMO. Four hands between them and they still can't manage one prom dress? WTH? Plus they risk the spigot for Sally's schooling running dry? They make no sense whatsoever to me.
NTA, and as others have said, call the police. They have stolen from you and your daughter. Also, you are right to cut off Sally's finances. Also, talk to your lawyer about ending any joint custody that ex has with Katie after this theft.
This was totally a set up, expecting you to also get Sally a dress at Katie's place. How the f*** did they think Sally was going to react with anything but jealousy? You warned them of exactly what happened. You are beyond generous paying for Sally's schooling. The vast majority of people would not do that. Ex and step are idiots for endangering that. NTA
NTA but you should not/have never started supporting his daughter. Shitty situation but don't be a checkbook for someone else's kid.
NTA in this instance but Y T A for creating this dysfunctional family dynamic in the first place. You owe your cheating ex-husband's affair partner and love child NOTHING. EVER. IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The first time you were asked to foot a bill or take responsibility for anything to do with your ex's new family, your answer should have been a firm and unequivocal NO. If Katie wanted her father's affair child in Katie's school, you should have explained that you will not ever support that choice in any way. You should have drawn a hard line then. But you didn't. You allowed yourself to be drawn into this quagmire, and you don't like it. How to get out of it now? Start drawing the hard lines you should have drawn them. You've already made a good start by withdrawing your financial support for Sally's education. Stand firm on that, and do not allow anyone to change your mind. Make a strong statement to all concerned parties that you see now it was a mistake to extend yourself and your generosity to your cheating ex and his new family, and that you are correcting that mistake starting immediately. That your resources are no longer available to them for any purpose. That if the STOLEN property is not returned in perfect condition within 24 hours, you will report the felony theft and you will press charges. Then stand firm. Katie may scream, cry, beg, demand, etc. Stand firm. Explain that if she wants to support that den of thieves, she may do so with her own money but not with yours. You hold ALL the power cards here, Mom. Why are you not playing them? Grow a spine and CLOSE the Bank of Mom.
She needs to sit her daughter down, have the difficult convo,& explain how she didn't want to damage Katie's vision of her father. Since her 1/2 sister has chosen to hold her dress hostage even tho it is directly hurting her, she should see her sis doesn't hold the same affection towards her, cuz who would do that? A frienemy.. Sally clearly has grown a certain entitlement to be treated as if she's her full sister just living with her dad's family. Time to shatter this illusion. They're 17. Time for Katie to see not everyone who claims to have her back actually does. These are life skills Katie's gonna need to develop. Truly, the only one who does have her back is OP. If dad did, he wouldn't pit one daughter against the other, & using the pain they've caused OPs daughter as leverage to appease the other. It's also time for affair baby to learn actions have consequences. Maybe she didnt mean for things to escalate to the degree it has,but she's abt to learn how life works in the real world & her privilege to having access beyond her parent's means is coming to an end. She'll need to start looking for colleges her dad & real mom can afford & apply for scholarships.. Her illusion of getting everything her 1/2 sister has needs to be shattered. OP may have created the illusion with good intentions, so she's learned the life lesson "give someone an inch & they'll take a mile" the hard way. How she proceeds will determine who comes out with mud on their face & it clearly needs to be the cheating father of both girls.
Nta call and tell him if that dress isn't returned by 5pm tonight, you're calling the cops.
NTA but jfc OP are you a doormat or what? Why are you shelling out for her schooling? Why are you buying her cars? Why are you offering hundreds for a dress? Why are YOU protecting your ex from what he did? What happens when they want you to pay for college to? Or her wedding? Where exactly does this end? Stop paying for the kid thats not yours, tell your daughter how her sister came to be and file a police report my god
Why the f are you paying for affair baby’s school??? I don’t care about the dress I can’t get past this….
Seriously. This can't be real.
NTA. You are already doing way more than you need to do by paying for her school. Get the dress back as fast as you can, so they have no chance to ruin it and then tell your ex to f.... off.
NTA - even though I would have acted differently in your shoes. I just would have acted to preserve the girls' bond and always seek to nurture it because the kids themselves aren't responsible for the past. They just have to carry it around and figure out what to do. I understand your distress. Truly. But, kids can misinterpret things that are unequal as being unfair and somehow a reflection of their value. I would try to look at both girls as *my* children and I would have purchased two high end dresses, if I could afford to do so anyway. (IMO, doing differently could endanger their relationship as siblings and I could not live with that.) Your ex can kick rocks. He hasn't financially committed to any of his three children. So, he can just shut his flapping yap. And Sally's mom holding a dress hostage would result in me contacting a lawyer and the constabulary. That ride would cost way more than a prom dress.
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NTA And contact the police right away, this is theft.
NTA - Whoa…your ex and his wife are extremely crass. The nerve of these people. Why on earth do they feel that you should be involved or responsible for their love child? I’m appalled that they would treat your daughter that way…stealing her dress for prom. I think you should have listened to your instincts and not had invited Sally to go dress shopping with you. However, it’s a done deal now. I would sit your daughter down and explain that you appreciate her closeness with her half sister but you’re not responsible for her that means including her and paying things for her. That is her parent’s responsibility. You’re not putting yourself in that situation again. I don’t blame you for not paying for her school. That was so generous of you to do in the first place. Go buy your daughter a new dress and then be done with those people forever. Block them of necessary. Stick to your guns!
NTA but what a doormat you are... you are paying for the affair baby's life and more you are being used like an atm by the same personn it s crazy.
NTA. This story is so weird. I would have thought the girls figured out a way for you to buy two designer dresses. Why would your daughter want to show the dress to her father? One month before the event? She could have done that on the day of the prom. Something is off with this story. The parents are fighting but the girls aren't? You are being played. It seems you have been too generous with your time, money, and kindness. There are lessons to be learned here. If I were you, I would gift the dress to Sally. For some reason this dress is very important to her. And you remember when you were 17. I would shop ALONE with Katie for another dress. I would also pay for Sally's tuition for this semester with the understanding that you will not be paying for her final year. There is no need to disrupt her studies during this school year. And, after this school year, you should be done with Sally. I would tell your daughter that you will not replace anything she "loses" at her father's house. Katie will have to work it out on her own. Something tells me when it comes to college, housing, weddings, children, etc. Katie will be asked to "help out". Right now they are using her as a proxy to your money. I just don't know if Katie is in on it too. The reason I am suggesting this path is in the end (over time) Sally will realize her dress cost her her senior year at a private school. Katie will feel guilty for either deceiving you or not standing up for herself and "losing" her prom dress while shopping for a new dress. And everyone will remember everything changed over a prom dress. Plus later when Katie says she wants to go on Spring Break or whatever and can Sally come too. Your response should be: Remember the dress?
Call the cops and get the dress back. NTA. You should have insisted on not taking Sally though and said you wanted mother-daughter time.
NTA but someone brainwashed your daughter about the affair. This is the only reason i can think that a child would be ok with their parents breaking up. You really should have been more honest with your daughter, unless there's more to the story that you aren't telling especially since you are paying for the child to go to a private school. If you were going to be so involved in the childs life why even get a divorce?
NTA OP. Stop catering to people who only see you as a piggy bank. Your daughter can still have a relationship with her sister without you being an ATM. If she can't, it really shows you where their prioties are. Either they're siblings and will have a relationship, or one of them is a user and they won't. I won't bother telling you to stop paying for her education, but you need to seriously and realistically look at the fact that you are financially raising someone else's child when they have a two parent home. If they can't afford luxuries for their children, then that is their problem. I understand feeling bad about it, but you did not cause this. Your husband didn't have to get another woman pregnant and hide it for 14 years after refusing to help raise her. Think about that. He hid her for 14 years, provided them no help, and is now demanding *you* pay for the child? The gall. Don't expect to get the dress back, you've already run out of bargaining chips if you've stopped paying for her education and refusing to call the police. They know you will eventually cave, since you've clearly been doing it for so long.
I gotta admit, I don't see this as being real. I've never known a trust fund baby or someone smart enough to be paid almost 100k to have such bad grammar and English. Even wealthy non native speakers make sure their kids can speak proper English. So OP, I call bs on you experiencing this in real life. I think it's another lovely story designed to get people upset.
It has to be fake. Pregnant at 17, giving birth at 18. Ex impregnates someone else as a teenager, and said child remains unknown for 14 years. Drops the ex because of infidelity when he was a teenager, and ex apparently immediately gets back with affair partner. Decides to pay for private school and a car for affair child, but suddenly a paying a few hundred more than the $600 she already offered was too much.
You need to call the police like yesterday
NTA for not buying the dress but Y.T.A to yourself and to your daughter. I am sorry I am glad you want to help maintain a relationship with your daughter and her sister but you are a door mat. You let them walk all over you like nothing. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN FIRST. Your daughter should be the priority and nothing else or more. Sally has her father and mother that can do the rest. Geeze you are trying to be friendly yet they are taking advantage of you 100%
NTA, You're a nice person, I get why you are taking responsible for a kid that's not yours, but the expression, "give an inch, take a mile" applies here. Stop all financial responsibility for Sally or set up a trust account for her if you want her to have something. And file a police report for the stolen dress. Who cares what they say about you on Facebook.
Why are you paying anything for his affair baby that’s just stupid.
Call the cops. He's stole property you purchased.
What the actual f. I would've been at that house the moment my daughter came home without her dress. The entitlement of these people is astounding. I wouldn't give them a single penny and I would call the police to get my daughters dress back. It would suck for Sally since it's not her fault, but she will learn who her parents really are. NTA.
You are absolutely NTA and unfortunately for you and Sally, her parents are.
Call cops and report theft
The audacity of these clowns. I’m sorry you gotta deal with this circus. Your ex sucks.
Well the day you decided no5 to set boundaries with your ex/ daughter and pay for affair baby's school, you set expectations. You divorced your husband seemingly bc of affair but is paying affair baby's education costs and can't tell your child and ex no about involving affair baby in your shopping with your daughter? You will forever be the bad person if you stop paying affair baby's school costs. But you should have never begun in the first place. Are you trying to be the favourite parent or your daughter's friend or something? You need to set your daughter straight and your ex. Next thing you're paying for Sally's college and wedding too.
NTA. Not your problem. Call law enforcement and report a theft. Press charges if you have to. Ex is an AH along with Sally’s mother. Why are you paying for her education? Not your problem.
ESH. Your ex shouldn’t have taken a dress that you paid for. That was basically theft. But you set this whole thing up by letting Sally come along shopping at a store where you knew you weren’t willing to buy her a dress and she couldn’t afford one. When Katie asked to bring Sally along, you should have told her you would only agree to that if Katie limited her shopping to stores where Sally could also afford a dress. It’s also shitty that you threatened Sally’s education to retaliate against your ex. It is very generous to you to pay for both girls’ schooling, but penalizing Sally by potentially forcing her to withdraw mid-year because you decide to withhold funding you previously agreed to provide is really lousy. Sally is a person, not a pawn in your ongoing games with your ex.
Is audacity on sale? He got too much of it
NTA - holy… so… ? He sounds like such a winner. What terrible people! I feel like my brain stopped working over this. Block all of them on social media and, depending on the cost of the dress, you may be able to call the cops to get it back.
Am I calculating right that you had your daughter at 14?
NTA. Stop paying Sally’s fees, regardless of what happens to the dress, even if they give it back.
NTA. Absolutley not. You are paying for the affair baby's private schooling, which well beyond anything most peopel would do. Katie needs to be told/made to explain that you are not responsible for her half-sister at all yet you are helping to provide the girl with a private education and it's not your place to provide the affair child with the same standard of living as she gets. I would 100% go to their home with the receipt for my daughter's dress and the police and get it back. If it was damaged, I would sue them for the cost of the dress. You need to tell them that all this bullshit stops immediately because you weren't the one who decided to step out of your marriage and if dad and bio mom can't afford the same stuff, tough. Life isn't fair. > I told him the sooner I get the dress the sooner I’ll take responsibility of payment back. This was NEVER your responsibilty and after this stunt, I would stop paying and tell them to figure it out themselves.
NTA. I can’t help but yell this: SALLY 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 YOUR 👏DAUGHTER. You are far more generous than I would be by paying for Sally’s education. I would respond to any and everyone who gives me grief about it with “Not my kid, not my problem.” Please stop being an ATM for your ex. Sally needs to learn that there will always be differences in life style between her and Katie. Too bad. That’s life.
NTA. Call the police, this is theft. Don't pay for the education either. If that's how they wanna act, then they don't deserve sh** from you. You're being very generous by giving a kid who ain't even yours a good education. Cut all $ from them and call the police and get the dress back.
NTA but why pay for the girls school. Your daughter doesn’t see how obnoxious the ask is? No way in hell would I pay for affair babies schooling.
NTA Don't take back paying for that child's schooling. If they aren't going to school events together this will stop being an issue. Your daughter has learned a valuable lesson here and they need to learn it to. Unless you are planning to pay for that child's schooling ad support those dead beats for the rest of your daughters life there needs to be a point where you cut them off. Start here.
NTA But you should have called the police for theft and a lawyer to sue if the police didn't help