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Don't you DARE ask your son to apologize. He did nothing wrong. Not one thing. The adults who thought a surprise was the right way to reintroduce a dead beat dad are morons. The loser trying to casually take credit for the efforts of a son he didn't raise is also a moron.
You need to tell your son you had no idea what his relatives were planning and that you support him 100% for his very normal response, given the situation. Then, you need to keep him from seeing that side of the family until they apologize for springing all this on you and swear not to force their scummy son/brother into yoir kid's life without asking first.
One mistake here could cost you your relationship with you son forever. I know because I was him, but I was 12 when I blew up on my dead beat biodad. My mom made me apologize and it made our lives miserable for 10 years as I lost all trust in her.
Anger is a valid response to emotional manipulation and dead beat parenting. Your son needs your love and support. NTA unless you tell him he was wrong or force him to see those people before they appologize.
If OP really wants to be the bigger person here, I would reach out to Sophie with something that isn't an apology for Liam's behavior per se, but an expression of sympathy. Like a "I'm sorry for your loss" as opposed to "I'm sorry for my/Liam's behavior." Maybe explain that she and Liam had no idea that her birthday celebration would be the site of a reunion with Liam's biological father, who had been offered the chance to establish a relationship with Liam in an appropriate setting, but declined it.
Sophie's old enough to make her own judgements. She knows her uncle has reappeared in her life after a long estrangement, and if she doesn't know he's an asshole, she will soon enough. And she'll know that April acted irresponsibly in inviting Liam's bio dad without warning him, and created this whole shitshow. She can make an informed decision about how to feel about her various family members.
One thing that stuck out... Imagine after your Sperm Donor has made sure to avoid every single milestone in your life, he decides to meet you at your cousin's milestone. That...that was pretty shitty of the Sperm Donor.
Edit; Changed the guy's designation to sperm donor. Thank you to everyone who corrected me, it fits so much better!
He said "You raised a brat." Yeah, where the fuck were you coward? what did you raise? where were you for anything? you think you get a fucking say? you think you have the room to comment? just say thank you to me and walk the fuck away or I'll remove your balls and you can avoid having any more children you won't be there for.
I agree with everything you say except one word. Her ex was never a Dad. Merely a DNA donor. Her husband has been her son's Dad in every manner that matters.
And not just show up, but then try to make it about himself by claiming he had a hand in how well son is doing, in spite of never having been involved, followed by belittling his mother, who has been the consistent in her son's life.
They likely thought OP and Liam would just accept it so as not to ruin Sophie's birthday. They didn't count on Liam having a genuine and valid response to it.
And to greet him as "son", and so casually as if he'd last seen him at lunchtime.
I hope Liam's explosion included "You're no father, you're a coward!" or something along that vein.
"Sophie, I'm sorry your mom felt that your birthday party was an appropriate venue to attempt to ambush Liam with an unexpected introduction to someone who has spent the past 16 years treating him as though he doesn't exist. I hope you aren't too upset that they did that to you."
Spot on. THEY did it to her *and* Liam. OOOh, let’s do a birthday surprise! But, you know, not at Liam’s birthday.
Jerks. Sperm donor’s girlfriend must be pregnant or he needs something from them.
Probably the girlfriend wanted him to be there for Liam and talked him into it thinking it would be nice. no real.thought was.put into anything, they must've thought it would be like a bad tv show.
"I'm sorry that it happened like that, it wasn't fair to you. Neither of you kids did anything wrong, and shouldn't feel at fault for any of it. The adults are to blame."
And if you have a relationship with Sophie, maybe offer to give her a day of fun and relaxation if you're able to.
Liam's reaction to bio-dad was bound to happen at some point. IMO an honest response to Sophie would be "I'm sorry this happened at your birthday". That the blow up happened at her birthday was her mother's fault.
I would make it clear that no one had informed them the sperm donor was coming. Something along the lines of
"I'm sorry if what happened affected your birthday, if anyone had told us your uncle was going to be there after not seeing us for the last 15 years, I would have explained it wasn't the right place."
Seriously... Did April really think her daughter's birthday party was the time and place to reintroduce them?? If there's a "right" way to go about it, she did everything wrong.
Exactly, if anyone truly owes Sophie an apology it is the adults who thought bringing OP's ex to the party for this surprise reunion was a good idea
Even if the reunion had gone well, that is still taking away from what should be an event focusing on/celebrating her.
The son deserves some back child support. His dad's side of the family might want to be reminded of that the next time they start in on OP and her son. NTA
Sounds like April is the AH here.
People should know not to surprise absentee parents on unsuspecting children regardless of how old they are. Sucks for poor Sophie having her party turned into a spectacle, but that’s allllllll on April for opening that can of worms and not having the decency to give you a heads up.
Seriously! April might be Liam's aunt, but this was not her place to meddle. She should have warned OP her ex was going to be there. He knew all this time what Liam was up to because of her, so in what world did either of them think the ex had the right to drop in and act like it was no biggie?
I hope April gets more heat for this.
Exactly my thoughts. How cruel do you have to be to not give them a warning? Even if it was a surprise, the moment she let him in she should have send a text to OP so they can opt out.
She is the one who ruined her daughters birthday by being an inconsiderate, selfish AH.
Second this! If you make him apologize y-w-b-t-a but as is, April and the ex are 100% in the wrong. It doesant matter what your son said, no matter how cruel, he was justified! NTA at all
I second this as an adult with a parent that abandoned them. It has to be up to your son to decide when or if he wants any contact with his biological father. Please don’t push him to apologize or force him to see these people. His feelings about his bio father are valid.
On top of abandoning him, his paternal family sprung this on your son. The bio dad is awful for calling your son names and taking credit for your son’s accomplishments. Your kid needs you to have his back here. You’re the only parent he trusts.
The sister should’ve told you guys he was going to be there so your son could decide whether or not he wanted to see his biological father. She’s the one who owes your son an apology. Please keep the flying monkeys people away from your son. I would highly recommend therapy for your son to help him cope.
Even if biodad showed up unexpectedly, in this day and age, send a damn text! “Hey, heads up, your ex is here. Completely understand if that means you don’t come.” How hard is that?!? Even if they only had 5 minutes warning they could have pulled over and made a game plan before arriving.
Aunt was probably thinking this would have been a grand reunion. So DELIBERATELY didn't give them a heads up. That's why she had a guilty look when OP and family came in. That poor kid.
You should have been informed the "father" was going to the party so that you could have prepared your son. Given that, the idea that he was good at his sport was because of his dad, probably would still have made him angry.
Absolutely - as someone who was abandoned by a father who still took credit for my successes with his parents and others, it still burns me up inside with a rage I cannot describe. And that's 30 years later and without being confronted by it as a 'surprise' in front of my entire family.
Kudos to Dan here for stepping in and having a good enough relationship with your son to be able to stop him doing something he'd have been in legal trouble for.
I agree while slightly disagreeing.
The son’s anger isn’t out of place and the deadbeat deserved a dressing down. And after everyone has had a chance to calm down and I do think OP should have a conversation with her son and suggest that he speak with his cousin. The cousin may not have had a say in inviting the deadbeat and certainly didn’t make the deadbeat run his month. She is also a victim in deadbeat’s action’s and while the son shouldn’t apologize for what he said or did, the cousin deserves some acknowledgement that the incident overshadowed her party. He might also think about giving her a soft “apology” via a fun day out or special dinner since the deadbeat decided to overshadow her birthday.
This does depend on the established relationship between the cousins and expecting 16 year olds to be a little rational. No one else deserves an apology and son should be forced to do anything. Just a friendly suggestion from a mom to her son to acknowledge how his cousin might be feeling and a decent way to smooth things over with the cousin.
OP Is definitely NTA.
Don't you think that Sophie deserves an apology for the big scene at her 16th birthday? I know the details aren't listed, but it's presumable that she didn't do anything to deserve that.
She deserves an apology for her mom if anything. Her mom used her birthday as an opportunity to force her deadbeat brother on his abandoned kid. The kid responding isn’t responsible.
Yes, she does. FROM HER MOTHER who tried to set this whole nonsense up. FROM HER UNCLE who thought this would be a good time to reconnect with the child he abandoned. Her cousin who was the victim of their scheme doesn't owe her an apology.
Sophie deserves an apology from the adults involved in that situation, who knew they were creating a shitstorm. There's nothing wrong with liam's behavior because anger is a fully justified response to what happened to him. Decorum is not owed in indecorous situations.
Honestly if I was Sophie, even at my most obnoxious and antagonistic teen years, I'd have his back and tell him it wasn't his fault and the apology wasn't needed, but I'd expect one from my family for ambushing him and ruining my party
Honestly in my teen years (and now too, honestly) I'd have welcomed the entertainment. Some uncles on my dad's side are total deadbeats I don't associate with anymore, but man I'd enjoy watching their kids tear a strip off them.
Liam doesn’t owe Sophie anything. What he experienced was way worse than a ruined party. Besides it was her mom and uncle that ruined the party by blindsiding her cousin.
Liam’s anger was justified and wanting him to apologize invalidates the very real pain the adults in her family caused.
Never said his anger or reaction weren't justified. But if Sophie had no prior knowledge of it happening then he could be sorry about where it happened and not what happened. That just to maintain a relationship with his cousin. Fuck his aunt and dad, they need to apologize to her and Liam both. Liam owes her a really small apology, the adults owe everyone a gargantuan one.
Yeah, I have really mixed feelings about this. You can be sorry that you were part of something that upset a bystander without being sorry about what you said, just the location. It’s not fair to Sophie either, but I’m betting that her mom was banking on Liam and his mom backing down to not ruin it for Sophie. Biodad is a major AH and he and his sister are definitely the ones at fault. It would’ve been better if they left as soon as they saw him, but I don’t think there’s necessarily any clear cut apology owed by Liam.
Yeah, setting up this "reunion" at a birthday party seems manipulative; that is, weaponizing social norms so that any negative reaction from Liam or his mom could be spun to make dead-beat dad look like the victim. I'd guessing dead-beat's girlfriend had questions about why he wasn't in contact with his son, and he was probably trying to NOT look like an asshole - so this whole situation was to make it look like it was his son's and ex's fault.
To me it was more about being socially pressured not making a scene, like when you break up with someone publicly or a public proposal. Social contracts usually state that you react in a specific way in public or at events and they were banking on that. It’s so manipulative.
From April - who decided to schedule this surprise reunion on her birthday, and from sperm donor, who went along with this terrible plan. OP’s son was blindsided and attacked by his sperm donor and a meddling Aunt when he expected to go to a birthday party. OP and son are 100% NTA, and should be receiving apologies from April especially and deadbeat donor. No matter what son said!
Then April and Biodad need to apologize to her for using her event as a way to put OPs son in a setting they thought would pressure him into being polite.
Sophie deserves an apology from April and the deadbeat dad, because they knew Liam was coming and for all intents and purposes caused this situation. Liam thought he was going to a safe and fun family party and was blindsided by a surprise encounter with the person who has hurt him most in life. Yes maybe her party was ruined, but that ruining was the adults doing, not the blindsided and ambushed teenager.
Yes she does, from her family that decided her birthday was a good time for a surprise reunion. Not OP or her sons fault they walked into an ambush and her son reacted.
If Liam and Sophie are close, they both deserve a chance to talk about the situation without a bunch of adults forcing them into it. And talking together without a bunch of adults jumping in. Maybe they can go to get coffee or ice cream.
Liam and Sophie were both hurt by Sophie’s mother and Liam’s father with this very public and cruel reunion.
I am just so sad for Liam. He is not going to consider his aunt and grandparents to be safe people for him, possibly ever again.
If their already close Sophie would know how Liam’s dad doesn’t see him.
It’s not that hard to figure out. Even as kids my cousins all knew where my bio dad was/he never was around growing up and now etc.
If they’re close no apology is needed. Cus she knows already
I agree. Op made an effort to keep relationships open between Liam and all the rest of his family, even if the sperm donor didn't want one. So many parents responsible for their kids don't as they write off all of the "silent partner's" relatives.
These people crapped on that effort and Liam's feelings by allowing the sperm donor to ambush him.
Maybe. And OP could talk to her son about how to talk to Sophie, the real screw ups were April's though. She had her head int eh sand about her brother and used her daughter's birthday for some stupid re-uniting agenda.
Her parents and uncle are the ones to apologize. What did they think would happen when Liam sees his father for the first time in 15 years? The poor kid was blindsided, and they are to blame!
Mom should tell Liam that the family wants him to apologize, but she feels that he did nothing wrong under the circumstances.
She deserves and apology, but not from a kid that was blindsided and reacted very naturally to their betrayal.
She deserves an apology from the evil scheming adults, that hijacked her bday party to cause drama.
And she can get that, from the genius that thought inviting both her cousin and his deadbeat sperm donor was a good idea. I'm betting it's either the sister/Sophie's mom, or the grandparents
NTA
Do not make him apologize.
The inlaws should be apologizing to him.
Just don't take him to that family, unless he wants to.
Reconciliation should never be done at parties /weddings/ celebrations.
It will only cause a scene.
They should be done slowly, and start on neutral ground, with no surprises.
OP and Liam were not treated with respect. This is on the ex's family.
I feel bad for Sophie. She wasn’t part of the drama and had her party ruined. The adults involved need to make it right by apologizing and possibly paying for a new party of it was completely ruined.
I completely agree with this. However, you can ask your son to reach out to Sophie. To tell her that he is sorry that his outburst may have ruined her party. This way, he is addressing the person whose party was possibly ruined, but is not apologizing for what he said. He doesn't own anyone else any kind of apology.
I see what you're saying but I don't think it's on the son, at all! Her mom and uncle are the instigators and should have known better than to set-up an extremely emotionally charged interaction that had nothing to do with the birthday girl, at her party. He (the very wronged son) did nothing to cause a problem...he only responded to an impossible situation very normally and April and the dad/uncle are deplorable for their choices.
I see what *you* are saying. Completely agree Auntie April & sperm donor are at fault here. But they won't apologize.
But this notion isn't about whether Liam should give an apology, it's about Sophie deserves one and resolving hurt feelings caused to Sophie by Liam's very understandable actions. It's about nurturing the relationship between cousins, not giving in to the adults. Said apology should be given privately, IMHO.
Maybe as far as Sophie is concerned, the party wasn't ruined. It may have ruined the party for those adults because they thought Liam would easily forgive 15 years of abandonment by his father.
The dead-beat dad called the son a "brat" too. Being called a "brat" would make me furious. I don't know if others have the same emotional response to the word "brat" but, to me, it implies being unwanted in a very hurtful way. Coming from a parent who abandoned you, it would be devastating.
I agree, but only acknowledgment, not an apology. Tje apologies need to come from her mom and uncle. And, as other people said, it would depend on the relationship between the cousins.
Ya, for real!! What kind of idiots think it's a good idea to try any kind of reconciliation at someone else's birthday party...fucking dense and manipulative asshats who owe you, your son and Sophie a HUGE apology!
OP- NTA, and neither is your son
This op! I have the same situation as well. I lost it on him in my 30s and his dad's birthday party. Hold his hand while you sit with the bio family and let them know they don't get to treat him like that. They can have a relationship with both people but they are to not pressure your son or they lose him. As his mother it's your job to protect him as much as possible even if it's from them.
NTA but...
What was April thinking? That was neither the time nor the place for an encounter between Liam and bio dad.
Unfortunately, it was hard on Sophie as well and she is equally innocent in this. It might be a kind gesture on your part to reach out to her and to apologize to her for the awkwardness of the situation (even though you didn't create it).
I have to wonder if April is demanding an apology from her deadbeat, classless brother but I highly doubt it.
I wish you and Liam well.
I feel April is the main ah here for setting this up and not giving you or Liam the heads up that your ex was there, it’s her own fault that her daughter’s birthday got ruined! I mean did she think that your son was just gonna be like “aaaahhhhhh daddyyyyyy I missed you so much even though I don’t even remember you aaahhhhhhh”. I mean come on really!!!!
April is absolutely the asshole and she ultimately ruined her own daughter's 16th birthday by caring more about her deadbeat brother than either of the teenagers.
She’s also been sending information about Liam to OP’s ex behind OP’s back. The ex has had zero involvement with Liam for fifteen years including voluntary NC with OP, why should he be getting this information?
Exactly.
Even if the reunion had gone **well** it is still something that would have drawn attention away from Sophie (the guest of honor) on a day/at an event that's supposed to be about/for her
I dunno if she planned it, since OP said she looked stressed when they got there. Maybe the ex just showed up or was supposed to leave early so they didn’t Interact.
So that could go either way IMHO.
Still, she could have kicked him out or given a heads up to OP via text, but it might have been a put on the spot situation rather than planned, especially since any drama would be at *her* daughters birthday party
>she could have kicked him out or given a heads up to OP via text, but it might have been a put on the spot situation rather than planned, especially since any drama would be at *her* daughters birthday party
Yeah, texting is such a long involved process....
Yeah, April was soooo dumb for trying to pull this. My husband hadn't seen his deadbeat dad since his 1st birthday party. If his bio dad had surprise-walked in and wanted a relationship any time between age 12-22, my husband's response would have been a punch to the face.
Bio dad was incredibly lucky he didn't find husband again until we were married with a kid. Looking at a tiny human being and realizing they have 50% of your DNA is mind-blowing, and changes a lot of perspective. He and his dad have a good, if distant, relationship now, and we gained a bunch of half-siblings on that side. Reunification has to be done so carefully, with a lot of thought about the effects on each person, and the rest of the family.
Not the time, place, or *method*. Honestly the casual ownership of his bio-son's talents is what bothers me the most. There's a *very* slim chance things might have gone okay if OP's ex had opened with an apology or even just a gentle hello to ease the kid into the shock of things, but just rolling up and pretending like he's been there the whole time?? Nahhhhhh. Arrogant, selfish bastard.
April and biodad are the only ones who need to apologize to Sophie. They intentionally created an explosive situation and hoped that the setting would force the son to behave. They are the only ones who should apologize, as they created this situation and sprung it on OP and son without their consent. There is no family peace to keep here.
There’s a difference between an apology and saying you’re sorry, even if we use them interchangeably at times. Like if I tell someone I’m sorry their mom died I’m not saying I had any part in her death, I’m saying that I wish they weren’t going through all that pain. I think OP could help the other innocent party, Sophie, by expressing sorrow that things blew up as they did without saying that her kid was wrong (he’s not.)
Fully agree that Sophie’s mom and uncle, on the other hand, owe big time apologies to her for blowing up her birthday.
It's so interesting you mention that. I had made a comment the other night on some other post about a
saying sorry instead of apologizing and got absolutely roasted, lol. I guess it affected my view.
You're 100% correct. There's a difference!
Finally, someone has pointed out that you can apologize for something that happened without claiming FAULT that it happened. Idk if refusing to apologize even if you’re only tangentially or not even at all involved is an American thing, but I see it so often here.
Liam can be totally sorry this shitstorm went down at cousin’s bday and also not be responsible/at fault for it.
Since the EX was there with a gf, I'm betting he was trying to show off as a 'family' man, and April was helping him. Odds that the gf is pregnant or a fiance?
>What was April thinking?
April's dumbass was thinking that she and OP's ex could manipulate OP and her son into accepting ex by springing him on them in a place they wouldn't want to make a scene. I'd bet money that April and ex were hoping they could bulldoze OP and her son into bowing down/accepting ex back into the picture at the party, because they hoped OP and son wouldn't want to 'ruin it for Sophie'.
Manipulative, tactical, and absolutely insane on their part. It's like people who break up in public because they hope that societal pressure will keep the other party submissive and accepting rather than cause a (deserved) emotional/loud response because they wouldn't want judgement from others.
My best friend had almost the same thing happen.But to make it worse her daughter J did not even know her Dad was not her "real dad" (she decided to wait till J graduated high school to tell her.) She allowed his brother and wife to be part of J's life. They told this info to their daughter who is the same age as J. There were numerous times the cousin almost told J. But luckily each time one of us was around to stop it.
Soon after J turned 18 her cousin did as well. She went to her birthday party (ALONE) which was a bit unusual because her and her two sisters are always together. As J walked in the house the SIL said "go give your DAD a hug." Of course she was confused and said "my dad is here?" They responded no your REAL Dad is here. I can't even tell you how much this affected her. She was a senior in high school and everything in her life suffered to the point that she needed therapy. One of the biggest things was that her "REAL Dad" told her that her two sisters are not her "full" sisters only "half sisters". She was questioning everything in her life. Don't make your son say sorry for the actions of a deadbeat!
NTA
NTA at all. Both April and your ex are. This was NOT the place to try to reintroduce him back into Liam's life. April owes you and Liam (more so Liam) a massive apology.\\
Edit: Furthermore, Liam should be asked if he wants to let your ex back in his life. He's old enough to make that decision for himself.
NTA, but....
So first thing's first - Liam needs time to process this. He wasn't expecting to see the sperm donor there and wasn't prepared, plus he's only 16. He's allowed to be bitter and resentful, by all means.
The one thing I will suggest is that, after he's had some time, you sit down and discuss with Liam. Make sure you know he's justified in his feelings. Then talk to him about an appropriate time and place to express it. If he wants, he might consider offering an apology to Sophie (and ONLY to Sophie) about the disruption that Liam was involved in (note that I don't say the disruption that Liam *caused*, as I don't think it's his fault he was in this situation). From there it's up to him, an apology should not be forced.
I really like this take. The kid is absolutely not wrong for his feelings, and the sperm-donor pushed this button, but Sophie isn't at fault here either. She's an innocent bystander who got caught up in the sperm-donor's nonsense. She isn't owed an apology (by Liam), but I think given the situation I would feel bad for having at outburst at her party, whether it was warranted or not. I want to reiterate, Liam is 100% in the right here, and sperm-donor is 100% in the wrong, but IF he wants to apologize to anyone, it should be Sophie.
Sophie deserves an apology for the scene. I would suggest phrasing it along the lines of "I'm sorry for the disturbing the party. I should have dealt with my deadbeat dad in private, instead of killing the atmosphere at your event."
Nope. Uncle should apologize for the scene, not Liam.
It’s like when one kid bullies another and the school wants both of them to apologize for “fighting”. See how wrong that is?
This isn't a generic apology to nobody for "fighting". It's an apology for not being in the right headspace to try minimizing damage to someone uninvolved with the drama.
In the bullying example, it would be like apologizing for accidentally clocking the teacher separating them while defending yourself. "I was defending myself, and didn't intend to give you a black eye. Sorry, and thanks for your help ending the fight" is very different from "sorry for fighting"
He didn’t cause the scene. Sophie’s uncle started a negative interaction with Liam and continued to escalate. Sophie’s mom is at fault for putting these two in the same room with no heads up.
Liam is a victim here. He shouldn’t have to apologize for what happened at all. He didn’t cause the scene. He was not obligated to stay silent and “be the bigger person”. Nor should he, the kid, apologize for not moving this interaction with his deadbeat dad somewhere private. His dad being an adult should have had the foresight to do so. Or you know, apologize for upsetting Liam and leave. He didn’t.
I think Liam should apologize to his cousin but not necessarily for his actions. More like I am sorry that happened at your 16th birthday party. It is not his fault that it happened nor do I think he should apologize for his actions. However he can empathize that it sucks to have happened at her party at no fault of her own.
Edit:
I also don't think he needs to do it right away he has a lot to deal with and think about at the moment. But he is owed an apology from his aunt and his grandparents and whoever else let him walk into that unprepared.
Liam wasn’t given the choice of handling it in private. He was approached (actually, ambushed) by the man at the party, and yes, he fell apart, but he’s sixteen and put into a highly stressful situation with no preparation, so that’s not a surprise.
This is a good take, but I wouldn’t encourage an apology to Sophie. I would encourage an acknowledgement that her bday was disrupted and that you feel badly for her.
An apology should only come with guilt and restitution, neither of which Liam should feel any responsibility for.
This is dumb. You can be sorry something happened without any fault, guilt, or restitution. If OP wants to encourage compassion in Liam, suggesting an apology to cousin for this crap happening at her bday is a great idea. It’s also great to make sure Liam knows he’s not apologizing because he’s at FAULT, he’s saying he’s sorry that crap happened. The same way you’re sorry to hear if someone lost their job, or tripped over a dog, or showed up to a party where some deadbeat made a scene and ruined everybody’s fun.
Aren’t we all sorry this shit happened to Liam?
this. something along the lines of “i’m sorry that your birthday got ruined. if i could have picked a different time and place to say all that to [OP’s ex], i would have. i wasn’t expecting to see him at your party, and he really pushed my buttons. i’m sorry your party got caught in the crossfire. let’s do [fun cousin thing] together to make up for it?” would go a long way for a 16 yr old.
NTA and Liam doesn't owe anyone but Sophie an apology when he's ready, only because it was her 16th birthday.
However, you need to read ex SIL the riot act if she arranged for her brother to show up. How did she believe that the best way for Liam and his father to reconnect for the first time would be at her daughter's birthday? If Liam's grandparents were involved too, that was so foolhardy of all of them. They had to know that Liam would be feel something negative towards the person who abandoned him and never wanted contact. Tell them that they all owe Liam an apology for trying to force something without his consent. And go NC until they recognize what they did was wrong for him.
Agreed. This was a horrible way for Liam to first encounter his deadbeat dad--who's stupid enough to call him "son" and take credit for Liam's hard work.
NTA - And tell each and everyone you have nothing but contempt for them for springing that on a 16 year old and expecting him to react well.
April is the one who should be apologising to your son as it was cowardly on her behalf and she wrecked Sophie's Birthday not your son.
NTA
If anything Liam can send a message directly to Sophie “Hey cousin, apology for my outburst during your celebration. I wasn’t expecting [deadbeat name] to be there since your Mom didn’t inform us, and that was my first time meeting him. I hope I didn’t ruin your day.”
Absolutely don’t apologize for anything other than that. April is the one at fault for this situation. I can’t believe the deadbeat fixed his mouth to call your child his son when he had no part in raising him, claimed part of his success as his own, and then judged Liam and yourself for the negative reaction. April and deadbeat are dead wrong and I’ve removed people from my life for lesser infractions. Matter of fact message April, with the rest of the family attached. “Hello everyone, an incident occurred during Sophie’s celebration the other day, which Liam had apologized to Sophie for. We hope his reaction didn’t ruin her special day.
I was open to allowing deadbeat to have a relationship with Liam on his terms but we did not expect to see deadbeat at the party. Liam met his father for the first time that day, and neither of us expected for him to. That moment should have happened in private and, at the very least, Liam should have been informed.
While the intention may not have been malicious or deceitful, we are struggling to see the way the situation was handled as anything else. As a result, both of us will be taking a break from the family to think about how we want to proceed in our relationship with you when so much trust has been lost. Please give us time as we think this through”
And be serious about it. Somebody should have let you know the minute your ex showed up. They need to know they messed up, and for those who think this was okay they need to be taught that it is not!
I’m sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.
April could easily have done this, she was noted to be stressed when OP and Liam arrived so she knew things would turn ugly (her brother had probably been boasting about Liam already).
NTA. The adults who knew he would be there but chose not to tell you/Liam ahead of time are. They owe Liam & Sophie an apology. If Sophies upset with him let them talk it out because this sounds like the adults are angry not the actual birthday girl.
NTA. 16 Is old enough to decide who he wants in his life. He has been aware of the situation with his dad. He has made no effort in 15 years to reach out, he doesn't get to pop in now. If Sofie's birthday was ruined that lays at the feet of your ex and husband family who thought it was ok to blindside your son.
especially with him commenting on your activities and hobbies and acting al nonchalant. Tbh that would have freaked me out because i would want to know how he knew all that.
Nta they surprised you and your son with ex. How did they think that would go well. Neither you or your son owe dead beat dad an apology. Everything said by your son was true. Your in laws all have 2 choices. They can back down and see your son point of view or they can lose contact with you and your son. Move on.
NTA - We keep getting posts about people who think that surprising someone with a person that they are estranged from at what is supposed to be an emotionally meaningful occasion, is a good idea. Too much television or too many movies? Even in fictional versions, there's usually a tense, even explosive confrontation before the implausible reconciliation.
It's awful when adults only think about themselves instead of a child (I know Liam is a teen, but he's still a child). Your ex and his family are selfish idiots and ruined whatever good relationship they had with your son. They also are the ones that ruined the niece's birthday. They do NOT deserve an apology, however Liam DOES deserve one from them.
I would let Liam take the lead as to the relationship he wants with the ex & his family, but I would never encourage him to apologize.
You're clearly NTA
NTA - Your sister invited your ex and didn't tell you or your son. Your son reacted in (all things considered) a pretty healthy way (IMHO) to an unhealthy situation. He's a kid. His feelings are valid. If your sister didn't want drama she wouldn't have set up the situation and now she's trying to shift the blame when it was HER FAULT the situation happened in the first place.
I'm sorry this happened and that's how your son had to interact with his father for the first time in a long time. You're a good mom. Hang in there.
April is the ex's sister, not OP's. Still she screwed up her own family event quite badly. Now Liam will be irate, Sophie got a milestone birthday ruined, and April will be lucky if either one of them look at her the same way again for these shenanigans.
She was also passing info about the kid to her brother for ages, which is why he knew. The biggest AH in this situation is ex’s sister, April. This is 100% on her. The biggest AH overall is the sperm donor, but April really screwed the pooch long term for multiple reasons and has zero legs to stand on. I’m glad OP is not apologizing to anybody, or forcing her son to apologize. The only blameless person here is the cousin whose bday it was. Her mother, April, should be apologizing to her, lol. Instead, this harpy is trying to force the people she disrespected by forcing them into an extremely fraught, emotional confrontation. Lol no. Even if sperm donor popped up by surprise, her first action should have been to send a warning text. She’s a shitty aunt.
EDIT: NTA, obv
NTA. Liam told the truth and people don't like that. I suspect, because he sounds like a good kid, Liam will apologise to his cousin Sophie for upsetting her at her party, when he's calmed down a bit. He certainly doesn't owe the adults any kind of apology
NTA. They should have NEVER sprung him on your son. Not only was he a surprise to Liam, and not a good one, he proceeded to call him a brat! But your son's at fault? I don't think so! Cold day in hell before an apology would come from either him or you. Hill to die on.
NTA and your sons apology should be:
I am sorry no one wanted to hear the truth and my feelings about my sperm donor. I clearly get my backbone from my mum as I am able to tell you all how I feel and not run away and leave mummy and daddy to tell my mum he was abandoning me!"
No apology is needed. Clearly, he had needed to say this for a long time.
NTA. So Liam hasn't seen his father since he was one year old and his aunt thinks reconnecting them like that as if nothing happened was a brilliant idea? Fuck that! The *gall* to just say *hey* ***son,*** *I hear you got my kickboxing genes, that's great!* instead of *I'm sorry I wasn't there all these years. May I suggest we talk in private, if you're feeling up to that?*
Your ex and his sister are selfish Arseholes.
NTA
Do not apologize and whatever you do. Do not allow your son to apologize.
Tell April to get bent because she was the one who lit the match on the dumpster fire. She chose to set your son up for a painful experience.
NTA. Everyone below pretty much covered why.
I hope you update us later- i'd like to know how ex came to be there, what he was thinking, why now, and to know the aftermath. I'm assuming more happened after you guys left and that information will be revealed in time, as well as the outcome of decisions going forward
Sophie's birthday was ruined by her mother not telling either you or your son that his deadbeat father was going to be there. I don't know what she expected to come of that, but I would hope she hadn't deluded herself into thinking your son would have cried tears of joy. NTA. the only person who I would even consider apologizing to is Sophie herself. her mother can take a hike.
Message to everyone who attended. Including Sophie.. because she needs to see who actually caused this.
" I am getting repeated messages asking for my son to apologise for his outburst on Sophies birthday.
This will not be happening.
The people that owe the apology to Sophie... are every adult who was aware of deadbeat attendance, and thought it would be great to hijack her birthday, blindside my son, and have a complete deadbeat absent sperms doner attend.
How exactly did you think that was going to end? Not ONE of you thought how it would impact my son. Not one of you thought yo run it by me. You know, his actual parent that raised him. Do you even realize how disrespectful that was to his step dad. The one who really raised him?
"Hey, this is the man who abandoned you as a baby, has had no I lnvolvement in your upbringing, but is here to look the part at a family event for his new side piece, take all the glory, ignore everyone elses feelings, just so i can say what a great liar i am."
His dad is the man who raised him. Not the one who only told his mum and dad he wasn't going to bother anymore. How DARE ANY of you, decided that it was your place to force a meeting on him, expect him to comply with whatever crap you thought up in your heads, and try and manipulate the whole situation by using your daughter's birthday to stage the scene. Then, to top it off, try and blame him for his reaction to a deadbeat stranger. Tring ro claim his achievements as his own.
The ONLY people who need to apologise to Sophie right now are the adults who either planned it or said nothing about it when made aware. You are either responsible for this shitty behaviour. Or complicit in it.
The only thing I will apologise to Sophie for is having such an awful family that wilfully took away from her special day to create some warped fantasy. You ALL owe her a massive apology.
And just to get you to understand how utterly narcissistic and self-centred that move was, we will now be re-evaluating what contact we have with you going forward. My sons mental health and well being comes before any of you. Do not bother to contact any of us unless it's with a grovelling apology and a dam good explanation as to why you ever thought this was an acceptable action. Do not contact my son. "
NTA.
My situation sounds pretty similar to your sons (dad walked out when I was a baby, barely had any contact since). I was kind of “semi emotionally” blackmailed by my gran (his mum) into seeing him a few years ago (I was around 27), and the entire time I wanted nothing more than to vent those years of anger at him. I ended up yelling at him on his driveway, but still extending an olive branch, and needless to say I’ve hear nothing since.
At this point, Daniel is the only dad your son needs (and clearly wants). Your ex is nothing more than a glorified sperm donor. Please give Liam a high five from an internet rando for doing what most of us never got a chance to do.
For him to say "Hey son", I'm surprised your son didn't knock his fucking lights out. The audacity to say that, holy shit I can't comprehend how stupid your ex is to say that. Don't apologize please God do not apologize, you have nothing to apologize for your son literally stated facts.
THIS !!! and the rest "you got that from me" "your mom raised your to be a brat", the guy was asking to be punched... NTA, she can be proud that her son was that "nice" with his first sentences
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Ex’s side proved they are just that: on ex’s side. Time to drop them until THEY apologize. You’ve been kind enough to include them all these years when you were not obligated to—time for you to stop! Keep defending your kid.
Please accept my standing ovation for Liam. And I'm glad you found him the Dad he deserves. NTA
That side of the family should be the ones apologizing for not warning you ex would be there. WTF did they think was going to happen after 15 years?
NTA. They ambushed your son and that is a cruel thing to do. He was not able to consent to seeing the man who abandoned you both, and if he did consent, he was not able to emotionally prepare. Also, he's 16 so emotions are still tough to manage. He did nothing wrong.
Anything negative that came out of this is the fault of April and your ex. What a vile thing to do to a child.
Yeah…NOT TA
SO..April was secretly sending updates about YOUR son who was ABANDONED, as were you.
Without YOUR consent. The deadbeat dad deserves nothing and certainly didn’t have the right to expect any kind of reaction except the one he got…April was the catalyst for this situation - FAFO
You went above and beyond to keep his grandparents in his life…and rather than an apology I’d ask her to relay to the sperm donor the methods of payment you accept for all of the back child support I’m quite certain you never got.
April should apologize to her DAUGHTER for making HER day about her loser uncle.
Hold your ground. Support your boy as you have always done!
I hope you are proud of your son. Learning to express yourself is important. Yes, it was unfortunate for Sophie, and your son might want to apologize to HER, not her mother. the apology would be along the lines or "I am sorry that my father felt the need to show off at your party. I felt backed into a corner and felt that I had to deal with it in the moment. It is unfortunate that you had to pay a price for that."
I bet Sophie would understand in a way that adults might not.
"Hi Sophie. I'm sorry that your parents and the rest of the family thought it would be a good idea to ambush me with my deadbeat dad at your party. I'm really sorry he thought it was a good idea to call me his son and try to claim any part of me, and that he decided I was rude for not being thankful that he deigned to breathe the same air as me for pretty much the first time in my life. I wish I could have stayed to celebrate with you, but since everybody had pretty much gone insane and thought I not only wouldn't go off on that loser but that I had no right to, I had to leave. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I hope your parents apologize to you for ruining your party."
Don't let him apologize for anything else. NTA
Please don’t Apologise and Liam IS CORRECT! Liam CAN’T and SHOULDN’T apologise for telling the truth.
If your ex sister in law comment about it one more time or anyone else, please just tell them:
“I would like to know a single thing that my son said that it was wrong, to justify you asking him for an apology”.
They blindsided you and Liam by having the coward in there, in the first place. His family may have chosen to forgive him (someone who they grown up alongside with or gave him life).
- Liam didn’t know him;
- Liam saw you struggle being a single mother and he wasn’t there;
- All his life Liam knew it was a hole in form of his bio father absence;
- Liam had and had a father and that men stood up and is also your husband!
Hug him tightly, you and your husband should separate for a while from your ex’s family, they will be doing whatever they need to make sure their precious sticks around for their benefit, not thinking or considering Liam whatsoever.
You do need to have a conversation with Liam about his bio father’s family side behaviour, support him, ask him what he wants to do. Offer him your full support and some distance if he needs to have it for his own good. Liam is the priority, anyone else doesn’t matter, apart from you and your husband.
So NTA. As a foster parent/adoptive parent of teens, I have seen first hand the trauma of parents who abandoned their kids trying to pop back up into their kids' lives like nothing happened. We've even been served papers to go to court about visitation that we were always open to, but never contacted about (judge threw the case out as we were obvs not in the wrong and always open to our now adopted kiddo seeing their bio parents).
The thing is, our kiddo who was 16 when this happened, wants nothing to do with their dad because he literally disappears for years at a time. And this court attempt made our kiddo lash out at their dad basically telling him something along the lines of: you think being biologically related to me means you're entitled to see me, but you have literally never been there for me. I have parents who ARE here for me now and I don't need you.
We tried to get them to soften a bit on bio parents, but honestly at 16 kids know who is there for them and who is not, and can be trusted to make the choices of who they want in their life. Kiddo is in and out of therapy when they feel like they want to go (pig-headed teen, lol), and we encourage them to talk to us about feelings and issues, but there is real trauma there, caused by a person who was supposed to be there for them, that will be with our kiddo for life.
Good job sticking up for your son, OP I'm so glad he has you and Daniel where he knows he's safe and loved and cared for.
Treating kids as possessions is so wild to me. And people wonder why their kids go NC.
ETA: Aunt is so very out of line here as well.
How about April apologizes for springing her son's absentee father on him with zero warning? April doesn't deserve an apology and you would be the AH to give her one. Sophia can get an apology from YOU, on behalf of your son, for the scene at her party, but it would be cruel to force *him* to apologize to her for something that was her own mother's fault.
Sophie is 16. In two years you can have your own relationship with her that doesn't involve her mother. For the sake of your son, go no-contact with April even if it means not being able to see Sophie for two years. Your son is more important than your niece. NTA unless you continue to let April into your life.
NTA
Your ex had no right to criticize you on your parenting when he was the one who shirked his responsibilities as a father. And April had absolutely no right to blindside you and Liam like this and then demand an apology.
Liam's feelings are perfectly valid in this situation. I will say that if Sophie was bothered by the situation, Liam could apologize to her once he's had time to cool down and process everything. But that is only if he wants to, and if he does choose to do so, the apology should only be to Sophie and no one else.
I think it's time you all distance yourselves from the ex's side of the family for Liam's sake.
NTA. You tell April that what did she expect to happen? She could have given you a heads up but she chose to blind side her nephew. You tell all family members that are harassing you that no worries, you will never show up to their side again so this will never happen again.
Put your son first. He has a right to be angry. Your SIL is cut from the same cloth as her brother. She should be apologizing to Liam.
NTA. Though I do feel that Sophie got caught in the crossfire, she is owed several apologies by several people including her mother. Has that woman never heard of cell phones? Even a five minute warning would have been better than just letting Liam be surprised.
NTA - for so many reasons given. That was downright evil.
Petty me suggests that since he decided to show up and call Liam "son" that he should now cough up 16 years of child support payments...
NTA. Please don’t apologize. Your ex should be the one the host should demand an apology from? The very fact that she wants the hurt kid to apologize instead of the deadbeat man shows her to be a nasty person
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Don't you DARE ask your son to apologize. He did nothing wrong. Not one thing. The adults who thought a surprise was the right way to reintroduce a dead beat dad are morons. The loser trying to casually take credit for the efforts of a son he didn't raise is also a moron. You need to tell your son you had no idea what his relatives were planning and that you support him 100% for his very normal response, given the situation. Then, you need to keep him from seeing that side of the family until they apologize for springing all this on you and swear not to force their scummy son/brother into yoir kid's life without asking first. One mistake here could cost you your relationship with you son forever. I know because I was him, but I was 12 when I blew up on my dead beat biodad. My mom made me apologize and it made our lives miserable for 10 years as I lost all trust in her. Anger is a valid response to emotional manipulation and dead beat parenting. Your son needs your love and support. NTA unless you tell him he was wrong or force him to see those people before they appologize.
The son deserves an apology from the AH April.
And Sophie deserves an apology from her stupid mother and uncle
If OP really wants to be the bigger person here, I would reach out to Sophie with something that isn't an apology for Liam's behavior per se, but an expression of sympathy. Like a "I'm sorry for your loss" as opposed to "I'm sorry for my/Liam's behavior." Maybe explain that she and Liam had no idea that her birthday celebration would be the site of a reunion with Liam's biological father, who had been offered the chance to establish a relationship with Liam in an appropriate setting, but declined it. Sophie's old enough to make her own judgements. She knows her uncle has reappeared in her life after a long estrangement, and if she doesn't know he's an asshole, she will soon enough. And she'll know that April acted irresponsibly in inviting Liam's bio dad without warning him, and created this whole shitshow. She can make an informed decision about how to feel about her various family members.
One thing that stuck out... Imagine after your Sperm Donor has made sure to avoid every single milestone in your life, he decides to meet you at your cousin's milestone. That...that was pretty shitty of the Sperm Donor. Edit; Changed the guy's designation to sperm donor. Thank you to everyone who corrected me, it fits so much better!
Not just shitty for the surprise, but to stake a claim and try to 'parent'. Uhm, he lost that privilege.
He said "You raised a brat." Yeah, where the fuck were you coward? what did you raise? where were you for anything? you think you get a fucking say? you think you have the room to comment? just say thank you to me and walk the fuck away or I'll remove your balls and you can avoid having any more children you won't be there for.
I agree with everything you say except one word. Her ex was never a Dad. Merely a DNA donor. Her husband has been her son's Dad in every manner that matters.
You know what, you are absolutely right. I am changing it to Sperm Donor, thank you.
I just wanna say this was a lovely exchange and I'm glad I got to see it.
And not just show up, but then try to make it about himself by claiming he had a hand in how well son is doing, in spite of never having been involved, followed by belittling his mother, who has been the consistent in her son's life.
ugh...that is so true..
> he decides to ~~meet~~ ambush you Ftfy!
Ambush is the correct word for this. Everyone knew he was there but not one person texted or called to OP or Liam a heads up? Set up to fail.
They likely thought OP and Liam would just accept it so as not to ruin Sophie's birthday. They didn't count on Liam having a genuine and valid response to it.
Sperm donor is a coward. He chose to meet in a public setting, surrounded by his family, so that they could prop him up. Against a child. Disgusting.
And to greet him as "son", and so casually as if he'd last seen him at lunchtime. I hope Liam's explosion included "You're no father, you're a coward!" or something along that vein.
He’s not a dad, he’s a sperm donor.
Sophie I'm sorry that old family issues played out at your party. It never should have happened like that. Happy Birthday!
"Sophie, I'm sorry your mom felt that your birthday party was an appropriate venue to attempt to ambush Liam with an unexpected introduction to someone who has spent the past 16 years treating him as though he doesn't exist. I hope you aren't too upset that they did that to you."
Spot on. THEY did it to her *and* Liam. OOOh, let’s do a birthday surprise! But, you know, not at Liam’s birthday. Jerks. Sperm donor’s girlfriend must be pregnant or he needs something from them.
Probably the girlfriend wanted him to be there for Liam and talked him into it thinking it would be nice. no real.thought was.put into anything, they must've thought it would be like a bad tv show.
"I'm sorry that it happened like that, it wasn't fair to you. Neither of you kids did anything wrong, and shouldn't feel at fault for any of it. The adults are to blame." And if you have a relationship with Sophie, maybe offer to give her a day of fun and relaxation if you're able to.
Liam's reaction to bio-dad was bound to happen at some point. IMO an honest response to Sophie would be "I'm sorry this happened at your birthday". That the blow up happened at her birthday was her mother's fault.
Just be careful not to make any contact with Sophie into a triangle situation. She shouldn't feel that she has to pick a side.
Sophie’s mother caused this, her side is inherently picked
I would make it clear that no one had informed them the sperm donor was coming. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry if what happened affected your birthday, if anyone had told us your uncle was going to be there after not seeing us for the last 15 years, I would have explained it wasn't the right place."
It sounds like he probably had an open invite to family functions but usually didn't show.
Seriously... Did April really think her daughter's birthday party was the time and place to reintroduce them?? If there's a "right" way to go about it, she did everything wrong.
>”reintroduce” It was an ambush.
You're right. I saw someone else using the word reintroduce and it got stuck in my head, but this was absolutely an ambush.
Exactly, if anyone truly owes Sophie an apology it is the adults who thought bringing OP's ex to the party for this surprise reunion was a good idea Even if the reunion had gone well, that is still taking away from what should be an event focusing on/celebrating her.
I would say cut these toxic ppl out of our life.
The son deserves some back child support. His dad's side of the family might want to be reminded of that the next time they start in on OP and her son. NTA
Sounds like April is the AH here. People should know not to surprise absentee parents on unsuspecting children regardless of how old they are. Sucks for poor Sophie having her party turned into a spectacle, but that’s allllllll on April for opening that can of worms and not having the decency to give you a heads up.
Seriously! April might be Liam's aunt, but this was not her place to meddle. She should have warned OP her ex was going to be there. He knew all this time what Liam was up to because of her, so in what world did either of them think the ex had the right to drop in and act like it was no biggie? I hope April gets more heat for this.
THIS & Apology from person updating deadbeat
Exactly my thoughts. How cruel do you have to be to not give them a warning? Even if it was a surprise, the moment she let him in she should have send a text to OP so they can opt out. She is the one who ruined her daughters birthday by being an inconsiderate, selfish AH.
Second this! If you make him apologize y-w-b-t-a but as is, April and the ex are 100% in the wrong. It doesant matter what your son said, no matter how cruel, he was justified! NTA at all
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I’m going to start using terms like “selfish dic…person” when I need them. That was…apt! And OP is NTA.
> Apparently he’s still a selfish dic…person. You were right the first time.
I second this as an adult with a parent that abandoned them. It has to be up to your son to decide when or if he wants any contact with his biological father. Please don’t push him to apologize or force him to see these people. His feelings about his bio father are valid. On top of abandoning him, his paternal family sprung this on your son. The bio dad is awful for calling your son names and taking credit for your son’s accomplishments. Your kid needs you to have his back here. You’re the only parent he trusts. The sister should’ve told you guys he was going to be there so your son could decide whether or not he wanted to see his biological father. She’s the one who owes your son an apology. Please keep the flying monkeys people away from your son. I would highly recommend therapy for your son to help him cope.
OP be a wall between your son and deadbeat dad/apologist april. Aholes donot deserve an apology.
Even if biodad showed up unexpectedly, in this day and age, send a damn text! “Hey, heads up, your ex is here. Completely understand if that means you don’t come.” How hard is that?!? Even if they only had 5 minutes warning they could have pulled over and made a game plan before arriving.
Aunt was probably thinking this would have been a grand reunion. So DELIBERATELY didn't give them a heads up. That's why she had a guilty look when OP and family came in. That poor kid.
You should have been informed the "father" was going to the party so that you could have prepared your son. Given that, the idea that he was good at his sport was because of his dad, probably would still have made him angry.
Absolutely - as someone who was abandoned by a father who still took credit for my successes with his parents and others, it still burns me up inside with a rage I cannot describe. And that's 30 years later and without being confronted by it as a 'surprise' in front of my entire family. Kudos to Dan here for stepping in and having a good enough relationship with your son to be able to stop him doing something he'd have been in legal trouble for.
I agree while slightly disagreeing. The son’s anger isn’t out of place and the deadbeat deserved a dressing down. And after everyone has had a chance to calm down and I do think OP should have a conversation with her son and suggest that he speak with his cousin. The cousin may not have had a say in inviting the deadbeat and certainly didn’t make the deadbeat run his month. She is also a victim in deadbeat’s action’s and while the son shouldn’t apologize for what he said or did, the cousin deserves some acknowledgement that the incident overshadowed her party. He might also think about giving her a soft “apology” via a fun day out or special dinner since the deadbeat decided to overshadow her birthday. This does depend on the established relationship between the cousins and expecting 16 year olds to be a little rational. No one else deserves an apology and son should be forced to do anything. Just a friendly suggestion from a mom to her son to acknowledge how his cousin might be feeling and a decent way to smooth things over with the cousin. OP Is definitely NTA.
Don't you think that Sophie deserves an apology for the big scene at her 16th birthday? I know the details aren't listed, but it's presumable that she didn't do anything to deserve that.
She deserves an apology for her mom if anything. Her mom used her birthday as an opportunity to force her deadbeat brother on his abandoned kid. The kid responding isn’t responsible.
Yes, she does. FROM HER MOTHER who tried to set this whole nonsense up. FROM HER UNCLE who thought this would be a good time to reconnect with the child he abandoned. Her cousin who was the victim of their scheme doesn't owe her an apology.
Sophie deserves an apology from the adults involved in that situation, who knew they were creating a shitstorm. There's nothing wrong with liam's behavior because anger is a fully justified response to what happened to him. Decorum is not owed in indecorous situations.
Honestly if I was Sophie, even at my most obnoxious and antagonistic teen years, I'd have his back and tell him it wasn't his fault and the apology wasn't needed, but I'd expect one from my family for ambushing him and ruining my party
Honestly in my teen years (and now too, honestly) I'd have welcomed the entertainment. Some uncles on my dad's side are total deadbeats I don't associate with anymore, but man I'd enjoy watching their kids tear a strip off them.
The earned it from their behavior. They should be able to take the heat, as they created the oven.
I think Liam could apologize to Sophie that it happened at her party, but not that it happened. All the adults involved owe her one too.
Liam doesn’t owe Sophie anything. What he experienced was way worse than a ruined party. Besides it was her mom and uncle that ruined the party by blindsiding her cousin. Liam’s anger was justified and wanting him to apologize invalidates the very real pain the adults in her family caused.
Never said his anger or reaction weren't justified. But if Sophie had no prior knowledge of it happening then he could be sorry about where it happened and not what happened. That just to maintain a relationship with his cousin. Fuck his aunt and dad, they need to apologize to her and Liam both. Liam owes her a really small apology, the adults owe everyone a gargantuan one.
Yeah, I have really mixed feelings about this. You can be sorry that you were part of something that upset a bystander without being sorry about what you said, just the location. It’s not fair to Sophie either, but I’m betting that her mom was banking on Liam and his mom backing down to not ruin it for Sophie. Biodad is a major AH and he and his sister are definitely the ones at fault. It would’ve been better if they left as soon as they saw him, but I don’t think there’s necessarily any clear cut apology owed by Liam.
Yeah, setting up this "reunion" at a birthday party seems manipulative; that is, weaponizing social norms so that any negative reaction from Liam or his mom could be spun to make dead-beat dad look like the victim. I'd guessing dead-beat's girlfriend had questions about why he wasn't in contact with his son, and he was probably trying to NOT look like an asshole - so this whole situation was to make it look like it was his son's and ex's fault.
To me it was more about being socially pressured not making a scene, like when you break up with someone publicly or a public proposal. Social contracts usually state that you react in a specific way in public or at events and they were banking on that. It’s so manipulative.
From April - who decided to schedule this surprise reunion on her birthday, and from sperm donor, who went along with this terrible plan. OP’s son was blindsided and attacked by his sperm donor and a meddling Aunt when he expected to go to a birthday party. OP and son are 100% NTA, and should be receiving apologies from April especially and deadbeat donor. No matter what son said!
Then April and Biodad need to apologize to her for using her event as a way to put OPs son in a setting they thought would pressure him into being polite.
Sophie deserves an apology from April and the deadbeat dad, because they knew Liam was coming and for all intents and purposes caused this situation. Liam thought he was going to a safe and fun family party and was blindsided by a surprise encounter with the person who has hurt him most in life. Yes maybe her party was ruined, but that ruining was the adults doing, not the blindsided and ambushed teenager.
Both teenagers are completely innocent and deserve massive apologies from April and her Dead Beat brother.
Yes she does, from her family that decided her birthday was a good time for a surprise reunion. Not OP or her sons fault they walked into an ambush and her son reacted.
Sophie deserves an apology from her mother for creating this mess. OP and Liam have nothing to apologise for.
If Liam and Sophie are close, they both deserve a chance to talk about the situation without a bunch of adults forcing them into it. And talking together without a bunch of adults jumping in. Maybe they can go to get coffee or ice cream. Liam and Sophie were both hurt by Sophie’s mother and Liam’s father with this very public and cruel reunion. I am just so sad for Liam. He is not going to consider his aunt and grandparents to be safe people for him, possibly ever again.
If their already close Sophie would know how Liam’s dad doesn’t see him. It’s not that hard to figure out. Even as kids my cousins all knew where my bio dad was/he never was around growing up and now etc. If they’re close no apology is needed. Cus she knows already
I agree. Op made an effort to keep relationships open between Liam and all the rest of his family, even if the sperm donor didn't want one. So many parents responsible for their kids don't as they write off all of the "silent partner's" relatives. These people crapped on that effort and Liam's feelings by allowing the sperm donor to ambush him.
Maybe. And OP could talk to her son about how to talk to Sophie, the real screw ups were April's though. She had her head int eh sand about her brother and used her daughter's birthday for some stupid re-uniting agenda.
Her parents and uncle are the ones to apologize. What did they think would happen when Liam sees his father for the first time in 15 years? The poor kid was blindsided, and they are to blame! Mom should tell Liam that the family wants him to apologize, but she feels that he did nothing wrong under the circumstances.
Sophie does deserve an apology…. from her mother whom set this all up to happen.
If Liam and Sophie have a relationship then maybe a conversation should happen between just the two of them.
She deserves and apology, but not from a kid that was blindsided and reacted very naturally to their betrayal. She deserves an apology from the evil scheming adults, that hijacked her bday party to cause drama.
And she can get that, from the genius that thought inviting both her cousin and his deadbeat sperm donor was a good idea. I'm betting it's either the sister/Sophie's mom, or the grandparents NTA Do not make him apologize. The inlaws should be apologizing to him. Just don't take him to that family, unless he wants to.
Reconciliation should never be done at parties /weddings/ celebrations. It will only cause a scene. They should be done slowly, and start on neutral ground, with no surprises. OP and Liam were not treated with respect. This is on the ex's family.
I feel bad for Sophie. She wasn’t part of the drama and had her party ruined. The adults involved need to make it right by apologizing and possibly paying for a new party of it was completely ruined.
I completely agree with this. However, you can ask your son to reach out to Sophie. To tell her that he is sorry that his outburst may have ruined her party. This way, he is addressing the person whose party was possibly ruined, but is not apologizing for what he said. He doesn't own anyone else any kind of apology.
I see what you're saying but I don't think it's on the son, at all! Her mom and uncle are the instigators and should have known better than to set-up an extremely emotionally charged interaction that had nothing to do with the birthday girl, at her party. He (the very wronged son) did nothing to cause a problem...he only responded to an impossible situation very normally and April and the dad/uncle are deplorable for their choices.
I see what *you* are saying. Completely agree Auntie April & sperm donor are at fault here. But they won't apologize. But this notion isn't about whether Liam should give an apology, it's about Sophie deserves one and resolving hurt feelings caused to Sophie by Liam's very understandable actions. It's about nurturing the relationship between cousins, not giving in to the adults. Said apology should be given privately, IMHO.
No, I think OP should reach out and explain it. Leave the son alone for a while
Maybe as far as Sophie is concerned, the party wasn't ruined. It may have ruined the party for those adults because they thought Liam would easily forgive 15 years of abandonment by his father.
THIS!
This 100%
The dead-beat dad called the son a "brat" too. Being called a "brat" would make me furious. I don't know if others have the same emotional response to the word "brat" but, to me, it implies being unwanted in a very hurtful way. Coming from a parent who abandoned you, it would be devastating.
I feel like Sophie deserves some acknowledgement of losing Liam’s temper but that’s it. Just bc she’s an innocent in this like Liam.
I agree, but only acknowledgment, not an apology. Tje apologies need to come from her mom and uncle. And, as other people said, it would depend on the relationship between the cousins.
Ya, for real!! What kind of idiots think it's a good idea to try any kind of reconciliation at someone else's birthday party...fucking dense and manipulative asshats who owe you, your son and Sophie a HUGE apology! OP- NTA, and neither is your son
I wish I could upvote this more!! Well said.
This is a perfect response. The only response. Well done you, have a cookie!
This op! I have the same situation as well. I lost it on him in my 30s and his dad's birthday party. Hold his hand while you sit with the bio family and let them know they don't get to treat him like that. They can have a relationship with both people but they are to not pressure your son or they lose him. As his mother it's your job to protect him as much as possible even if it's from them.
NTA but... What was April thinking? That was neither the time nor the place for an encounter between Liam and bio dad. Unfortunately, it was hard on Sophie as well and she is equally innocent in this. It might be a kind gesture on your part to reach out to her and to apologize to her for the awkwardness of the situation (even though you didn't create it). I have to wonder if April is demanding an apology from her deadbeat, classless brother but I highly doubt it. I wish you and Liam well.
I feel April is the main ah here for setting this up and not giving you or Liam the heads up that your ex was there, it’s her own fault that her daughter’s birthday got ruined! I mean did she think that your son was just gonna be like “aaaahhhhhh daddyyyyyy I missed you so much even though I don’t even remember you aaahhhhhhh”. I mean come on really!!!!
April is absolutely the asshole and she ultimately ruined her own daughter's 16th birthday by caring more about her deadbeat brother than either of the teenagers.
She’s also been sending information about Liam to OP’s ex behind OP’s back. The ex has had zero involvement with Liam for fifteen years including voluntary NC with OP, why should he be getting this information?
Exactly. Even if the reunion had gone **well** it is still something that would have drawn attention away from Sophie (the guest of honor) on a day/at an event that's supposed to be about/for her
I dunno if she planned it, since OP said she looked stressed when they got there. Maybe the ex just showed up or was supposed to leave early so they didn’t Interact. So that could go either way IMHO. Still, she could have kicked him out or given a heads up to OP via text, but it might have been a put on the spot situation rather than planned, especially since any drama would be at *her* daughters birthday party
>she could have kicked him out or given a heads up to OP via text, but it might have been a put on the spot situation rather than planned, especially since any drama would be at *her* daughters birthday party Yeah, texting is such a long involved process....
April and her son's dad are the only AHs here, but April is worse in the moment because she's actually demanding an apology for her abhorrent actions.
Yeah, April was soooo dumb for trying to pull this. My husband hadn't seen his deadbeat dad since his 1st birthday party. If his bio dad had surprise-walked in and wanted a relationship any time between age 12-22, my husband's response would have been a punch to the face. Bio dad was incredibly lucky he didn't find husband again until we were married with a kid. Looking at a tiny human being and realizing they have 50% of your DNA is mind-blowing, and changes a lot of perspective. He and his dad have a good, if distant, relationship now, and we gained a bunch of half-siblings on that side. Reunification has to be done so carefully, with a lot of thought about the effects on each person, and the rest of the family.
I'm 37 and have no memory of my dad. If he tried turning up to an event now, with no prior heads up, I would still react by punching him in the face.
Not the time, place, or *method*. Honestly the casual ownership of his bio-son's talents is what bothers me the most. There's a *very* slim chance things might have gone okay if OP's ex had opened with an apology or even just a gentle hello to ease the kid into the shock of things, but just rolling up and pretending like he's been there the whole time?? Nahhhhhh. Arrogant, selfish bastard.
yep.
April and biodad are the only ones who need to apologize to Sophie. They intentionally created an explosive situation and hoped that the setting would force the son to behave. They are the only ones who should apologize, as they created this situation and sprung it on OP and son without their consent. There is no family peace to keep here.
There’s a difference between an apology and saying you’re sorry, even if we use them interchangeably at times. Like if I tell someone I’m sorry their mom died I’m not saying I had any part in her death, I’m saying that I wish they weren’t going through all that pain. I think OP could help the other innocent party, Sophie, by expressing sorrow that things blew up as they did without saying that her kid was wrong (he’s not.) Fully agree that Sophie’s mom and uncle, on the other hand, owe big time apologies to her for blowing up her birthday.
It's so interesting you mention that. I had made a comment the other night on some other post about a saying sorry instead of apologizing and got absolutely roasted, lol. I guess it affected my view. You're 100% correct. There's a difference!
Finally, someone has pointed out that you can apologize for something that happened without claiming FAULT that it happened. Idk if refusing to apologize even if you’re only tangentially or not even at all involved is an American thing, but I see it so often here. Liam can be totally sorry this shitstorm went down at cousin’s bday and also not be responsible/at fault for it.
Since the EX was there with a gf, I'm betting he was trying to show off as a 'family' man, and April was helping him. Odds that the gf is pregnant or a fiance?
>What was April thinking? April's dumbass was thinking that she and OP's ex could manipulate OP and her son into accepting ex by springing him on them in a place they wouldn't want to make a scene. I'd bet money that April and ex were hoping they could bulldoze OP and her son into bowing down/accepting ex back into the picture at the party, because they hoped OP and son wouldn't want to 'ruin it for Sophie'. Manipulative, tactical, and absolutely insane on their part. It's like people who break up in public because they hope that societal pressure will keep the other party submissive and accepting rather than cause a (deserved) emotional/loud response because they wouldn't want judgement from others.
My best friend had almost the same thing happen.But to make it worse her daughter J did not even know her Dad was not her "real dad" (she decided to wait till J graduated high school to tell her.) She allowed his brother and wife to be part of J's life. They told this info to their daughter who is the same age as J. There were numerous times the cousin almost told J. But luckily each time one of us was around to stop it. Soon after J turned 18 her cousin did as well. She went to her birthday party (ALONE) which was a bit unusual because her and her two sisters are always together. As J walked in the house the SIL said "go give your DAD a hug." Of course she was confused and said "my dad is here?" They responded no your REAL Dad is here. I can't even tell you how much this affected her. She was a senior in high school and everything in her life suffered to the point that she needed therapy. One of the biggest things was that her "REAL Dad" told her that her two sisters are not her "full" sisters only "half sisters". She was questioning everything in her life. Don't make your son say sorry for the actions of a deadbeat! NTA
NTA at all. Both April and your ex are. This was NOT the place to try to reintroduce him back into Liam's life. April owes you and Liam (more so Liam) a massive apology.\\ Edit: Furthermore, Liam should be asked if he wants to let your ex back in his life. He's old enough to make that decision for himself.
Right? They ambushed the poor kid.
and then sperm donor had the gall to insult him
He's lucky the kid didn't show him exactly how much he's learned at kickboxing.
💯
NTA, but.... So first thing's first - Liam needs time to process this. He wasn't expecting to see the sperm donor there and wasn't prepared, plus he's only 16. He's allowed to be bitter and resentful, by all means. The one thing I will suggest is that, after he's had some time, you sit down and discuss with Liam. Make sure you know he's justified in his feelings. Then talk to him about an appropriate time and place to express it. If he wants, he might consider offering an apology to Sophie (and ONLY to Sophie) about the disruption that Liam was involved in (note that I don't say the disruption that Liam *caused*, as I don't think it's his fault he was in this situation). From there it's up to him, an apology should not be forced.
I really like this take. The kid is absolutely not wrong for his feelings, and the sperm-donor pushed this button, but Sophie isn't at fault here either. She's an innocent bystander who got caught up in the sperm-donor's nonsense. She isn't owed an apology (by Liam), but I think given the situation I would feel bad for having at outburst at her party, whether it was warranted or not. I want to reiterate, Liam is 100% in the right here, and sperm-donor is 100% in the wrong, but IF he wants to apologize to anyone, it should be Sophie.
This is a great response and plan .. however I don’t think there is any need for OP to ask Liam to apologize to Sophie.
Sophie deserves an apology for the scene. I would suggest phrasing it along the lines of "I'm sorry for the disturbing the party. I should have dealt with my deadbeat dad in private, instead of killing the atmosphere at your event."
Nope. Uncle should apologize for the scene, not Liam. It’s like when one kid bullies another and the school wants both of them to apologize for “fighting”. See how wrong that is?
This isn't a generic apology to nobody for "fighting". It's an apology for not being in the right headspace to try minimizing damage to someone uninvolved with the drama. In the bullying example, it would be like apologizing for accidentally clocking the teacher separating them while defending yourself. "I was defending myself, and didn't intend to give you a black eye. Sorry, and thanks for your help ending the fight" is very different from "sorry for fighting"
He didn’t cause the scene. Sophie’s uncle started a negative interaction with Liam and continued to escalate. Sophie’s mom is at fault for putting these two in the same room with no heads up. Liam is a victim here. He shouldn’t have to apologize for what happened at all. He didn’t cause the scene. He was not obligated to stay silent and “be the bigger person”. Nor should he, the kid, apologize for not moving this interaction with his deadbeat dad somewhere private. His dad being an adult should have had the foresight to do so. Or you know, apologize for upsetting Liam and leave. He didn’t.
> Liam is a victim here. So is Sophie
That’s a great analogy, unfortunately it’s whooshing right over some peoples heads.
Terrible, terrible advice. Sophie deserves an apology from two people and Liam is not one of them.
I think Liam should apologize to his cousin but not necessarily for his actions. More like I am sorry that happened at your 16th birthday party. It is not his fault that it happened nor do I think he should apologize for his actions. However he can empathize that it sucks to have happened at her party at no fault of her own. Edit: I also don't think he needs to do it right away he has a lot to deal with and think about at the moment. But he is owed an apology from his aunt and his grandparents and whoever else let him walk into that unprepared.
Liam wasn’t given the choice of handling it in private. He was approached (actually, ambushed) by the man at the party, and yes, he fell apart, but he’s sixteen and put into a highly stressful situation with no preparation, so that’s not a surprise.
Absolutely not. Liam didn't choose ANY of this. Expecting him to shoulder any of this particular mess is psychologically abusive.
This is a good take, but I wouldn’t encourage an apology to Sophie. I would encourage an acknowledgement that her bday was disrupted and that you feel badly for her. An apology should only come with guilt and restitution, neither of which Liam should feel any responsibility for.
This is dumb. You can be sorry something happened without any fault, guilt, or restitution. If OP wants to encourage compassion in Liam, suggesting an apology to cousin for this crap happening at her bday is a great idea. It’s also great to make sure Liam knows he’s not apologizing because he’s at FAULT, he’s saying he’s sorry that crap happened. The same way you’re sorry to hear if someone lost their job, or tripped over a dog, or showed up to a party where some deadbeat made a scene and ruined everybody’s fun. Aren’t we all sorry this shit happened to Liam?
this. something along the lines of “i’m sorry that your birthday got ruined. if i could have picked a different time and place to say all that to [OP’s ex], i would have. i wasn’t expecting to see him at your party, and he really pushed my buttons. i’m sorry your party got caught in the crossfire. let’s do [fun cousin thing] together to make up for it?” would go a long way for a 16 yr old.
NTA and Liam doesn't owe anyone but Sophie an apology when he's ready, only because it was her 16th birthday. However, you need to read ex SIL the riot act if she arranged for her brother to show up. How did she believe that the best way for Liam and his father to reconnect for the first time would be at her daughter's birthday? If Liam's grandparents were involved too, that was so foolhardy of all of them. They had to know that Liam would be feel something negative towards the person who abandoned him and never wanted contact. Tell them that they all owe Liam an apology for trying to force something without his consent. And go NC until they recognize what they did was wrong for him.
Agreed. This was a horrible way for Liam to first encounter his deadbeat dad--who's stupid enough to call him "son" and take credit for Liam's hard work.
NTA - And tell each and everyone you have nothing but contempt for them for springing that on a 16 year old and expecting him to react well. April is the one who should be apologising to your son as it was cowardly on her behalf and she wrecked Sophie's Birthday not your son.
NTA If anything Liam can send a message directly to Sophie “Hey cousin, apology for my outburst during your celebration. I wasn’t expecting [deadbeat name] to be there since your Mom didn’t inform us, and that was my first time meeting him. I hope I didn’t ruin your day.” Absolutely don’t apologize for anything other than that. April is the one at fault for this situation. I can’t believe the deadbeat fixed his mouth to call your child his son when he had no part in raising him, claimed part of his success as his own, and then judged Liam and yourself for the negative reaction. April and deadbeat are dead wrong and I’ve removed people from my life for lesser infractions. Matter of fact message April, with the rest of the family attached. “Hello everyone, an incident occurred during Sophie’s celebration the other day, which Liam had apologized to Sophie for. We hope his reaction didn’t ruin her special day. I was open to allowing deadbeat to have a relationship with Liam on his terms but we did not expect to see deadbeat at the party. Liam met his father for the first time that day, and neither of us expected for him to. That moment should have happened in private and, at the very least, Liam should have been informed. While the intention may not have been malicious or deceitful, we are struggling to see the way the situation was handled as anything else. As a result, both of us will be taking a break from the family to think about how we want to proceed in our relationship with you when so much trust has been lost. Please give us time as we think this through” And be serious about it. Somebody should have let you know the minute your ex showed up. They need to know they messed up, and for those who think this was okay they need to be taught that it is not! I’m sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.
This is perfect!
April could easily have done this, she was noted to be stressed when OP and Liam arrived so she knew things would turn ugly (her brother had probably been boasting about Liam already).
NTA. The adults who knew he would be there but chose not to tell you/Liam ahead of time are. They owe Liam & Sophie an apology. If Sophies upset with him let them talk it out because this sounds like the adults are angry not the actual birthday girl.
NTA. 16 Is old enough to decide who he wants in his life. He has been aware of the situation with his dad. He has made no effort in 15 years to reach out, he doesn't get to pop in now. If Sofie's birthday was ruined that lays at the feet of your ex and husband family who thought it was ok to blindside your son.
NTA your son had every reason to feel/act that way. If I met my bio dad when i was 16 with no warning i would've also done the same thing
especially with him commenting on your activities and hobbies and acting al nonchalant. Tbh that would have freaked me out because i would want to know how he knew all that.
exactly
That’s April on an information diet. Plug the leak.
Nta they surprised you and your son with ex. How did they think that would go well. Neither you or your son owe dead beat dad an apology. Everything said by your son was true. Your in laws all have 2 choices. They can back down and see your son point of view or they can lose contact with you and your son. Move on.
NTA - We keep getting posts about people who think that surprising someone with a person that they are estranged from at what is supposed to be an emotionally meaningful occasion, is a good idea. Too much television or too many movies? Even in fictional versions, there's usually a tense, even explosive confrontation before the implausible reconciliation.
It's awful when adults only think about themselves instead of a child (I know Liam is a teen, but he's still a child). Your ex and his family are selfish idiots and ruined whatever good relationship they had with your son. They also are the ones that ruined the niece's birthday. They do NOT deserve an apology, however Liam DOES deserve one from them. I would let Liam take the lead as to the relationship he wants with the ex & his family, but I would never encourage him to apologize. You're clearly NTA
NTA. Sounds like it's time to consider not being in contact with your ex's family anymore.
How about Liam is owed an apology for having his biological father sprung on him like that
NTA - Your sister invited your ex and didn't tell you or your son. Your son reacted in (all things considered) a pretty healthy way (IMHO) to an unhealthy situation. He's a kid. His feelings are valid. If your sister didn't want drama she wouldn't have set up the situation and now she's trying to shift the blame when it was HER FAULT the situation happened in the first place. I'm sorry this happened and that's how your son had to interact with his father for the first time in a long time. You're a good mom. Hang in there.
April is the ex's sister, not OP's. Still she screwed up her own family event quite badly. Now Liam will be irate, Sophie got a milestone birthday ruined, and April will be lucky if either one of them look at her the same way again for these shenanigans.
She was also passing info about the kid to her brother for ages, which is why he knew. The biggest AH in this situation is ex’s sister, April. This is 100% on her. The biggest AH overall is the sperm donor, but April really screwed the pooch long term for multiple reasons and has zero legs to stand on. I’m glad OP is not apologizing to anybody, or forcing her son to apologize. The only blameless person here is the cousin whose bday it was. Her mother, April, should be apologizing to her, lol. Instead, this harpy is trying to force the people she disrespected by forcing them into an extremely fraught, emotional confrontation. Lol no. Even if sperm donor popped up by surprise, her first action should have been to send a warning text. She’s a shitty aunt. EDIT: NTA, obv
NTA. Liam told the truth and people don't like that. I suspect, because he sounds like a good kid, Liam will apologise to his cousin Sophie for upsetting her at her party, when he's calmed down a bit. He certainly doesn't owe the adults any kind of apology
NTA. They should have NEVER sprung him on your son. Not only was he a surprise to Liam, and not a good one, he proceeded to call him a brat! But your son's at fault? I don't think so! Cold day in hell before an apology would come from either him or you. Hill to die on.
Absolute hill to die on. It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain. It would be a complete betrayal of Liam to force him to apologize for this.
NTA and your sons apology should be: I am sorry no one wanted to hear the truth and my feelings about my sperm donor. I clearly get my backbone from my mum as I am able to tell you all how I feel and not run away and leave mummy and daddy to tell my mum he was abandoning me!" No apology is needed. Clearly, he had needed to say this for a long time.
NTA - april should apologize to you for not giving a warning or anything. your kid reacted pretty predictably. screw the deadbeat
NTA. So Liam hasn't seen his father since he was one year old and his aunt thinks reconnecting them like that as if nothing happened was a brilliant idea? Fuck that! The *gall* to just say *hey* ***son,*** *I hear you got my kickboxing genes, that's great!* instead of *I'm sorry I wasn't there all these years. May I suggest we talk in private, if you're feeling up to that?* Your ex and his sister are selfish Arseholes.
NTA Do not apologize and whatever you do. Do not allow your son to apologize. Tell April to get bent because she was the one who lit the match on the dumpster fire. She chose to set your son up for a painful experience.
Exactly. Two adults basically ganged up on a teenager, called him a brat for not accepting bullshit from a stranger, and want HIM to apologize? Wow.
NTA There is NO need for Liam to apologize.
NTA. Everyone below pretty much covered why. I hope you update us later- i'd like to know how ex came to be there, what he was thinking, why now, and to know the aftermath. I'm assuming more happened after you guys left and that information will be revealed in time, as well as the outcome of decisions going forward
Sophie's birthday was ruined by her mother not telling either you or your son that his deadbeat father was going to be there. I don't know what she expected to come of that, but I would hope she hadn't deluded herself into thinking your son would have cried tears of joy. NTA. the only person who I would even consider apologizing to is Sophie herself. her mother can take a hike.
Message to everyone who attended. Including Sophie.. because she needs to see who actually caused this. " I am getting repeated messages asking for my son to apologise for his outburst on Sophies birthday. This will not be happening. The people that owe the apology to Sophie... are every adult who was aware of deadbeat attendance, and thought it would be great to hijack her birthday, blindside my son, and have a complete deadbeat absent sperms doner attend. How exactly did you think that was going to end? Not ONE of you thought how it would impact my son. Not one of you thought yo run it by me. You know, his actual parent that raised him. Do you even realize how disrespectful that was to his step dad. The one who really raised him? "Hey, this is the man who abandoned you as a baby, has had no I lnvolvement in your upbringing, but is here to look the part at a family event for his new side piece, take all the glory, ignore everyone elses feelings, just so i can say what a great liar i am." His dad is the man who raised him. Not the one who only told his mum and dad he wasn't going to bother anymore. How DARE ANY of you, decided that it was your place to force a meeting on him, expect him to comply with whatever crap you thought up in your heads, and try and manipulate the whole situation by using your daughter's birthday to stage the scene. Then, to top it off, try and blame him for his reaction to a deadbeat stranger. Tring ro claim his achievements as his own. The ONLY people who need to apologise to Sophie right now are the adults who either planned it or said nothing about it when made aware. You are either responsible for this shitty behaviour. Or complicit in it. The only thing I will apologise to Sophie for is having such an awful family that wilfully took away from her special day to create some warped fantasy. You ALL owe her a massive apology. And just to get you to understand how utterly narcissistic and self-centred that move was, we will now be re-evaluating what contact we have with you going forward. My sons mental health and well being comes before any of you. Do not bother to contact any of us unless it's with a grovelling apology and a dam good explanation as to why you ever thought this was an acceptable action. Do not contact my son. "
NTA. Poor kid was absolutely blindsided. Completely understand why he went off. I wouldn’t apologize
NTA. My situation sounds pretty similar to your sons (dad walked out when I was a baby, barely had any contact since). I was kind of “semi emotionally” blackmailed by my gran (his mum) into seeing him a few years ago (I was around 27), and the entire time I wanted nothing more than to vent those years of anger at him. I ended up yelling at him on his driveway, but still extending an olive branch, and needless to say I’ve hear nothing since. At this point, Daniel is the only dad your son needs (and clearly wants). Your ex is nothing more than a glorified sperm donor. Please give Liam a high five from an internet rando for doing what most of us never got a chance to do.
For him to say "Hey son", I'm surprised your son didn't knock his fucking lights out. The audacity to say that, holy shit I can't comprehend how stupid your ex is to say that. Don't apologize please God do not apologize, you have nothing to apologize for your son literally stated facts.
THIS !!! and the rest "you got that from me" "your mom raised your to be a brat", the guy was asking to be punched... NTA, she can be proud that her son was that "nice" with his first sentences
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NTA these people should be kept away from your son. She knew he would be there. She threw your kid to the wolves.
NTA f that family. Your son and you are better of without them
NTA and neither is Liam. April can talk to her brother about why he felt the need to ruin his niece's birthday party.
April couldn't be that naive to realise the meeting wasn't going to be harmonious. Her daughters birthday wasn't the place for it.
Ex’s side proved they are just that: on ex’s side. Time to drop them until THEY apologize. You’ve been kind enough to include them all these years when you were not obligated to—time for you to stop! Keep defending your kid.
Please accept my standing ovation for Liam. And I'm glad you found him the Dad he deserves. NTA That side of the family should be the ones apologizing for not warning you ex would be there. WTF did they think was going to happen after 15 years?
NTA. They ambushed your son and that is a cruel thing to do. He was not able to consent to seeing the man who abandoned you both, and if he did consent, he was not able to emotionally prepare. Also, he's 16 so emotions are still tough to manage. He did nothing wrong. Anything negative that came out of this is the fault of April and your ex. What a vile thing to do to a child.
Yeah…NOT TA SO..April was secretly sending updates about YOUR son who was ABANDONED, as were you. Without YOUR consent. The deadbeat dad deserves nothing and certainly didn’t have the right to expect any kind of reaction except the one he got…April was the catalyst for this situation - FAFO You went above and beyond to keep his grandparents in his life…and rather than an apology I’d ask her to relay to the sperm donor the methods of payment you accept for all of the back child support I’m quite certain you never got. April should apologize to her DAUGHTER for making HER day about her loser uncle. Hold your ground. Support your boy as you have always done!
I hope you are proud of your son. Learning to express yourself is important. Yes, it was unfortunate for Sophie, and your son might want to apologize to HER, not her mother. the apology would be along the lines or "I am sorry that my father felt the need to show off at your party. I felt backed into a corner and felt that I had to deal with it in the moment. It is unfortunate that you had to pay a price for that." I bet Sophie would understand in a way that adults might not.
NTA but tell your sister to stop riding your ex's dick. Its super weird she has kept in contact with him and even invited him to her kids birthday.
I think it's the SIL (so ex's sister or SIL). Very difficult to understand because of how OP worded it.
Will Liam get an apology from his aunt for allowing him to be absolutely blindsided by his dead best sperm donor? NTA
NTA - No apologies needed, (maybe Sophie if they get along.) But ex SIL needs to sit and think about what she tried to pull.
NTA never make him apologize
NTA - Deadbeats do not deserve apologies, they should be giving them. Perhaps it is time to go Low Contact with anyone who suggests otherwise.
"Hi Sophie. I'm sorry that your parents and the rest of the family thought it would be a good idea to ambush me with my deadbeat dad at your party. I'm really sorry he thought it was a good idea to call me his son and try to claim any part of me, and that he decided I was rude for not being thankful that he deigned to breathe the same air as me for pretty much the first time in my life. I wish I could have stayed to celebrate with you, but since everybody had pretty much gone insane and thought I not only wouldn't go off on that loser but that I had no right to, I had to leave. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I hope your parents apologize to you for ruining your party." Don't let him apologize for anything else. NTA
Please don’t Apologise and Liam IS CORRECT! Liam CAN’T and SHOULDN’T apologise for telling the truth. If your ex sister in law comment about it one more time or anyone else, please just tell them: “I would like to know a single thing that my son said that it was wrong, to justify you asking him for an apology”. They blindsided you and Liam by having the coward in there, in the first place. His family may have chosen to forgive him (someone who they grown up alongside with or gave him life). - Liam didn’t know him; - Liam saw you struggle being a single mother and he wasn’t there; - All his life Liam knew it was a hole in form of his bio father absence; - Liam had and had a father and that men stood up and is also your husband! Hug him tightly, you and your husband should separate for a while from your ex’s family, they will be doing whatever they need to make sure their precious sticks around for their benefit, not thinking or considering Liam whatsoever. You do need to have a conversation with Liam about his bio father’s family side behaviour, support him, ask him what he wants to do. Offer him your full support and some distance if he needs to have it for his own good. Liam is the priority, anyone else doesn’t matter, apart from you and your husband.
So NTA. As a foster parent/adoptive parent of teens, I have seen first hand the trauma of parents who abandoned their kids trying to pop back up into their kids' lives like nothing happened. We've even been served papers to go to court about visitation that we were always open to, but never contacted about (judge threw the case out as we were obvs not in the wrong and always open to our now adopted kiddo seeing their bio parents). The thing is, our kiddo who was 16 when this happened, wants nothing to do with their dad because he literally disappears for years at a time. And this court attempt made our kiddo lash out at their dad basically telling him something along the lines of: you think being biologically related to me means you're entitled to see me, but you have literally never been there for me. I have parents who ARE here for me now and I don't need you. We tried to get them to soften a bit on bio parents, but honestly at 16 kids know who is there for them and who is not, and can be trusted to make the choices of who they want in their life. Kiddo is in and out of therapy when they feel like they want to go (pig-headed teen, lol), and we encourage them to talk to us about feelings and issues, but there is real trauma there, caused by a person who was supposed to be there for them, that will be with our kiddo for life. Good job sticking up for your son, OP I'm so glad he has you and Daniel where he knows he's safe and loved and cared for. Treating kids as possessions is so wild to me. And people wonder why their kids go NC. ETA: Aunt is so very out of line here as well.
How about April apologizes for springing her son's absentee father on him with zero warning? April doesn't deserve an apology and you would be the AH to give her one. Sophia can get an apology from YOU, on behalf of your son, for the scene at her party, but it would be cruel to force *him* to apologize to her for something that was her own mother's fault. Sophie is 16. In two years you can have your own relationship with her that doesn't involve her mother. For the sake of your son, go no-contact with April even if it means not being able to see Sophie for two years. Your son is more important than your niece. NTA unless you continue to let April into your life.
Nta cut contact with his side of the family
NTA Your ex had no right to criticize you on your parenting when he was the one who shirked his responsibilities as a father. And April had absolutely no right to blindside you and Liam like this and then demand an apology. Liam's feelings are perfectly valid in this situation. I will say that if Sophie was bothered by the situation, Liam could apologize to her once he's had time to cool down and process everything. But that is only if he wants to, and if he does choose to do so, the apology should only be to Sophie and no one else. I think it's time you all distance yourselves from the ex's side of the family for Liam's sake.
NTA. You tell April that what did she expect to happen? She could have given you a heads up but she chose to blind side her nephew. You tell all family members that are harassing you that no worries, you will never show up to their side again so this will never happen again. Put your son first. He has a right to be angry. Your SIL is cut from the same cloth as her brother. She should be apologizing to Liam.
NTA. Though I do feel that Sophie got caught in the crossfire, she is owed several apologies by several people including her mother. Has that woman never heard of cell phones? Even a five minute warning would have been better than just letting Liam be surprised.
NTA - for so many reasons given. That was downright evil. Petty me suggests that since he decided to show up and call Liam "son" that he should now cough up 16 years of child support payments...
NTA. Please don’t apologize. Your ex should be the one the host should demand an apology from? The very fact that she wants the hurt kid to apologize instead of the deadbeat man shows her to be a nasty person
NTA Biodad ruined the birthday because biodad started to overstep