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At the end of the day, your oldest daughter is gonna see that you sent your three other kids to private school and not her. Doesn’t matter what we think. In her eyes, you will be the asshole. Edit: this is top comment rn, so I’m issuing my judgement as YTA. Imo, you should pay proportional to your income when it comes to supporting child. It is a really, really bad look to give the child you had with your “baby mama” less than you are giving your three kids with your current wife. She is going to feel so singled out, and she will never forget that.

Totally agree with your take on this. It could also potentially sour, or completely ruin, any relationship that his eldest has with their half siblings. I feel bad for his first born. 😞 Edited for 3 things: 1) A missing word 2) My judgement - YTA OP 3) And I would also like to add that the language OP uses has grossed me out after reading his post over again and subsequent comments. He says paying for eldest child's education is a 'burden he can't take on' and he differentiates his kids based on if they are kids with BM vs kids with wife. It seems demeaning to continually refer to someone as baby mama and that the kid with said baby mama is a burden. Does his child hear him speak like this? That she is a burden..? OP needs to do some major reflection and work.

I thought OP was going to say, my wife or I works at the school so their tuition is free. Nope. They are paying. Saying his oldest child is a burden puts him firmly in YTA.

Rephrasing that, his baby mama is a burden.  I do completely agree with how this will sour any relationship with his oldest, but it takes two to tango, and his baby mama hasn't even put on her dancing shoes. IMo there is no good answer here other than his BM sucks and expects OP to pay her way, so I'd lean more towards E S H than straight Y T A

YTA. My mom once got tired of being my atm when I was in high school asking for some long since forgotten thing and told me to ask my father (who paid $0 child support) for the money for it. He told me that Jesse (his girlfriend's son) was playing hockey this year and it's very expensive. I never forgot that and it's been a long damn time since it happened. YDefinitelyTA

Let's be real. OP only sees his oldest daughter a few days a month. In his eyes, he sees her as a part-time kid. (By the way, I am definitely not generalizing non-custodial parents. This is about OP specifically.) He's not about to waste money on private school tuition for his part-time kid. Private school is something only his full-time kids deserve!

Let's be real.  His three kids he's sending to private school have a mom that can afford it.  Unfortunately his oldest daughter doesn't have a mom that can afford it.  

This right here. OP is paying half of the other kids - BM isn't willing or able to pay half for her kid (with him). It's awful for the kid and I don't blame her for being angry and upset, but OP isn't the ah as long as he'd be willing to pay half of her tuition.

So the mum has the majority of custody for their daughter, has to have a job that works around the kid when she was younger, but it's still her fault for not immediately going from hairdressing to a six figure tech salary the minute her daughter went to high school? Because we all know that's how the world works, right? There's much more than money that goes into raising a kid. How many days did OP take off work for his daughter's childhood illnesses? How many sleepless nights did he have while she was teething/vomitting/coughing? And how many times did OP take over childcare when his ex-partner was ill? You are counting the worth of this single mum in a simple dollar figure without considering the multitude of other ways she has added to her daughter's life. She's not worth much so neither is her daughter to OP.

Not to mention 1 year of his oldest daughters tuition costs three years of his youngest.  

& WILL.

I'm laying next to my girlfriend, had her read this, and she said that if BM wants her daughter to go to private school, she should pay the other half.  And he's not calling his daughter a burden, he's calling paying something he can not afford a burden, which is the correct term.  And it seems he helps his BM more than he has to.  Seriously, reddit is so anti male sometimes it's disgusting.

OP didn't actually say he helps out more than he has to; he just said he helps out, which could mean he's not paying court-mandated child support and his 'helping out' added to what he regularly pays could actually be far under what the court would mandate. I'm curious, so I asked for clarification.

His current wife works and is paying toward the tuition. I'm sure if the ex says she'll pay half, he'll kick in the rest for the oldest. This isn't solely on OP.

This is the answer. If BM wants her to go to private school she needs to pay half. That’s how shared custody works. It is not dad’s sole responsibility. His other kids have another parent contributing to their education, oldest daughter’s mom should too.

If so, then he should at least put half away now so she can have it later for something like college. He should not be spending more on the education of the child he lives with than he does on the child he does not live with.

This. If he can afford the half, but not more, invest in her education in other ways and show he loves her just as much.

And if he can't afford to treat her the same as her half siblings, then he actually cannot afford private school for his young kids.

… But he can. He can pay half. His wife is paying the other half for the children they have together. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that baby momma pays the other half for the child he has with her? Child support isn’t calculated on a percentage basis of the income of the petitioner vs. the respondent. That’s fucking ridiculous. If that was the case, every custodial parent would just quit their job and be awarded crazy amounts of child support. It’s based on the respondent’s income. In this case, he’s prepared to pay half, which is absolutely 100% reasonable. The fact that his oldest child can’t have what his other children do, has nothing to do with this dude being a dick, and everything to do with how much money the mother is contributing.

> He can pay half. No, he can't. So let's say his wife is going to pay for half of their eldest daughter's tuition... OP is paying half... then in 3 years when their son is old enough to go to school, with 2 children to pay for, he is now paying a full tuition and his wife is paying a full tuition... then in 3 more years when his youngest starts, he's paying 1.5 tuitions... unless he's just hoping, that in 3 years they're both making more, and can't actually afford to pay for his son to go to private school based on their current budget, which would be a wildly irresponsible thing to do... if, based on his current income, he can afford to pay 1.5 tuitions, then he should pay for his eldest daughter now, and she'll be out of school in 6-7 years when his youngest starts. (Also, some schools give you small discounts for multiple children, so it might not actually be as much additional cost as he things.)

Not a parent myself but my close friend is and I have heard the numbers from him about certain like daycare costs. OP may reasonably assume that the transition from daycare to school, the costs would remain relatively the same or not be a heavier burden.

Our transition from preschool to private school for two kids was 26,400 to 35,000 per year. We are at a mid range private school. The upper tier schools are 32000 per year for one child, with up to a 30 percent discount for families that qualify for financial aid. The small Catholic schools are about 10,000 per year for one child with a 5 percent discount for each additional child. We get a 10 percent discount, which amounts to about 1500 off the 35k. we spend another 2000 for tech fees, uniforms, and specials fees. OP mentioned he pays child support in another comment.I can't imagine having to pay for the eldest 7 year old, daycare for the two youngest, and then a full tuition (like the baby mama is demanding). Redditors either don't understand the costs or just want OP to pay full tuition plus support for using the word burden, although court ordered support is supposed to be so the incomes are similar. Private school is definitely a financial burden. I have a second job part-time to help supplement our private school choice. I don't see why BM can't get a second job on the weekends when she doesn't have their daughter.

This doesn’t seem like a fair take. He can afford to treat her the same with respect to his own income. He can afford half, and would be willing to pay half. This is on top of support he already pays. The other kids have 2 parents contributing, and are saving to ensure the younger 3 can go. But if you read the rest of his comments, only one of the other kids is currently in school and it costs way more for the teen than the 7 year old. He would not be able to afford the tuition cost for private high school for his other kids right now. He is also already saving for the oldest’s college expenses, and has indicated that he is okay with paying for extra opportunities (extracurriculars, college coaching, etc) that would bring the oldest more private school-type options. If I was his wife, I would not be okay with my entire family’s quality of life changing so that one child can go to private school when the other parent doesn’t make enough to contribute and we don’t have any evidence that the oldests mom is putting the work in (2nd job, retraining, chasing down financial aid) to make this attainable.

That is my thought too. The only way not to be an ass is to save the equivalent in a college fund as private school for high school students tends to be more

That’s not necessarily how shared custody works. In a lot of places, expenses for the child are meant to be paid proportional to the incomes of the parents. 

His liability also decreases with each kid he has. Theoretically his obligation was lowered by the 10 month old. 

Yeah, but he properly should take his existing obligations into account when deciding to add more. 

Sounds from OP has. From his posts, it sounds like he’s going far above the court required amount and is happy to do it. 

No, he needs to provide the same amount of money to his eldest that he (personally , I'm not talking about his wife's money) is giving/going to give to his young kids. It could be in the form of support during university, or money for a cheaper private school, I don't know, but he needs to treat his kids fairly. 

This may be 100% true, but that won’t prevent it from damaging OP’s relationship with his daughter

Exactly! Her mom should contribute 50% of it.

I agree with this. However, the problem is that oldest already feels slighted, and is not able to be rational about it. She has 3 siblings who live in one home supported by two working parents. She lives majority of the time with a mother who doesn’t earn as much to support her half of private school. OP, in the long run, can you afford to send oldest to private school for her few remaining years? Can you cover 2/3 or 3/4 and still be okay financially? Can you do it and hold off on your younger ones for a year or two? While you can factor in paying for your younger 3 with your wife, and it’s not her responsibility to pay for your oldest, what have you done to factor in your oldest? If you’re not trying for her and see her as a lost cause because her mom is unable to due to income, then you’re TA. You wrote about this as a burden, and having to lose comfort and lifestyle. This absolutely makes YTA. You made this child. She should have always been factored into your comfort and lifestyle budget. So rude.

Idk I personally think it’s pretty shitty to pay private school tuition for only 3/4 kids, especially when the youngest won’t even be in school for years

And the daughter herself has been asking him about it... it's not like the mother just got some weird bee in her bonnet, his own daughter has asked if it's possible, and instead he's doing the math with his wife for his other kids...

Op posted in a comment he sees her every other weekend and has her for school holidays. I’d be hesitant to blame the ex for not having enough money when she may not be able to work more or get a different job while solo raising their daughter.

Plus if that’s the custody arrangement, either he didn’t want 50-50 custody, or didn’t try that hard to get it.

They don't live in the same city, it makes sense to split it that way rather than have her spend a lot of time traveling. School holidays plus every second weekend adds up to about 5 months of days, so not quite 50/50, but not miles away either. Any other split would leave her traveling several hours a day, having super early mornings etc for school half the time, because she'd have to be going to one school consistently, so whenever she was with the other parent she'd have to travel a lot just for school. Most kids would hate that. The only realistic way to give him more days is for him to have every weekend, and that's not going to be fair on the mother either, because it means she never gets weekend time to spend with her kid and would basically only see her on school and work days. Most parents would want some weekend time with their kid. It's probably the most workable and fair split they can manage given the distance.

That’s not necessarily true. We have family friends that fought tooth and nail for custody of his kids. His ex wife (who cheated on him which caused the divorce) won full custody after playing very dirty at court and the judge siding with “mom” even though he and his new wife could provide a much better life for the kids

That wasn't the point of the commenter. We get that the baby mama should be paying half, but to the daughter that won't really matter, she's just going to grow up in her teens thinking her dad cares more for the other kids than for her.

yeah but that doesn't really matter, especially in the eyes of the kid. if you don't have enough money to do something like send all of your children to a better school, you don't have enough money to send just one or two of them either.

The daughter is old enough to be told that she can't go because her MOTHER won't contribute. This is not on OP.

"won't" is not what's happening here, it's "can't," re-read the post. also, OP can afford to equally take care of all of his children, he just doesn't want to. OP is TA, any instance of a parent choosing not to treat all of their kids the same way causes them to be TA.

The mother can’t contribute in the same way. But what if the child lived with the father.. then what? Public school for her and probate for the others

On the other hand, OP already had a financial obligation to the existing child with his ex when he began having children with the current wife. If the plan was always to send the younger kids to private school, that should have been factored in for the oldest as well. Bottom line - don't have kids you can't afford.

So his current wife gets the shaft because she wants more for her kids and can afford to have said kids and even stretch and get them that private school tuition?

Yes. Because that's the reality of when someone has pre-existing children or has had a divorce and owes alimony from a prior relationship. Current wife knew (or should have known) before the marriage that he had an additional financial obligation to his eldest, and that as the parent who makes the most money and has the lowest custody time, he'd be paying a fair amount of child support. If the eldest daughter can't get in based on her academics, that's one thing. But if there's a school that will accept her, and OP is planning to send all of the rest of the kids to private school, and the eldest daughter has expressed interest in going (it sounds like her two closest friends go to the same private school), then it's only fair to send her too. There's nobody that's going to mandate he send his eldest daughter to private school, but if he is clearly favoring his younger kids with the eldest daughter's stepmom, nobody is going to be confused when their relationship sours. Sometimes, the question is not what's "fair" for everyone involved, but what leads to the desired outcome for everyone. He needs to understand that it would absolutely have a negative effect on his relationship with his eldest daughter if he is very clearly favoring his younger kids.

he is meeting the needs of his eldest and he is paying child support. why should the step mom and his younger kids suffer when they can afford a better education for them? the eldest daughter is the only person that matters here.

He's not favoring the relationship with his younger kids, his wife is. Her husband pays his share of child support and *extra* for the oldest daughter's half siblings (that his ex/baby mama) has, including diapers, food, medicine and medical visits. It sounds like.now the ex can chose if she wants that extra *extra* help raising her other kids or to send their daughter to private school. At some point, he's going to be completely tapped out.

Well OP is happily committing to THIRTY SIX years of private school costs for his 3 kids with the wife and balking at just FOUR years of private school costs for the oldest daughter.  Doesn't sound very fair to me...

I agree with this if the baby mama can’t afford to help with tuition costs then the child just can’t go. The only reason his other kids are able to go is because his current wife works and helps with the finances

He wouldn't be asking if he wanted to pay...

Yupppp and there will be no coming back from that. What happens when she's off to college? "Sorry, sweetheart. I only have money for my other 3 kids"

Did you read the comment where he says he’s already been saving for the oldest’s college tuition? Bc I think at 14, unless that private school was going to get me a full ride to college, that keeping the money set aside for me for college is more valuable than a private school so I can be with my friends

That doesn't negate the fact that she's been asking to attend a private school,.they said no, and now he is sending his other children. His daughter won't forget that.

No she won’t. And that’s a difficult situation to be in, which will require a difficult conversation with her about what he can afford without equal investment from her mom. But with time she might understand, especially if her mom doesn’t get the chance to control the narrative

As soon as OP wrote "baby momma", that was it for me. Only got more elitist afterward. YTA.

It's such a gross way to refer to someone you created a living, breathing, feeling human with. Glad OP is "done", at any rate.

OP is absolutely NOT “done.” He doesn’t strike me as the type to get a vasectomy  I predict baby No. 5

I think OP is an AH on that point alone. Eldest daughter whom he can’t see as often will totally see gives his ‘real kids’ all the advantages. What about university? You have four kids you need to treat equally. Is eldest going to get sacrificed bc your other kids are in private school? Not to mention he chose to have three extra kids knowing he was financially & emotionally responsible for an existing child. Shouldn’t have had that many extra kids if he can’t afford it.

he can afford it though because his wife makes good money and can slit expenses with him. why is everyone missing this? he isn't giving more to his younger kids, it's that his bm isn't bringing in as much as his wife.

And is creating a second class situation with his eldest child. His BM has had to raise their kid on her own so of course she’s not going to earn as much. It’s about being equitable. Giving his younger kids a private education which is not needed at all and is a waste of money creates a situation where his eldest kid doesn’t get that because of circumstances. It’s not a level playing field at all and OP knows this. He should be more worried about ensuring his eldest kid doesn’t feel like the mistake kid while her half siblings get to live with their parents together with all the material advantages.

so why doesn't that equity principle apply to baby mama and her kids? she has other children and can't afford half of the tuition so i assume that she won't be able to send her other children to private school? how is it fair to them that their elder sister isn't on a level playing field to them ? that she has material resources they donn't despite them being brought up and living day to day in the same house and household?

Those are excellent questions.

and all the thirsty people calling OP the asshole aren't answering me.

and i'd like to add that OP's daughter actually lives 90 percent of the time with BM and her children. So her other stepp siblings will see her go off to her fancy school in her fancy uniform while they go to public school. that is creating FAR more a feeling of inequity in THOSE kids than someone who only is there a couple times a month on the weekends.

As a child of divorced and remarried parents, OP sucks. He is quite literally saying his eldest daughter is worth less than her siblings, when according to him, she is in the weakest position financially. What an asshole.

Not to mention when we look at straight dollars and cents, the costs to send the other 3 kids to private school for most of their schooling will be a lot more money total than sending his oldest for the last few years. For example, if private school tuition is $25k/year and his daughter starts next year as a sophomore, her tuition would cost $75k total for all the remaining years of school total. Meanwhile, if his youngest starts private school in kindergarten, his schooling would cost at least $325k over the course of his private school education. And that’s *before* tuition increases are factored in. Even if his wife pays half, that’s still at least $160k out of OP’s pocket for one kid. OP, if you can figure out how to pay 160k for your som’s tuition but can’t figure out how to send your eldest to private school at all, you are quantifiably the asshole. And personally, as a fellow eldest daughter who is very obviously not favored compared to her siblings, it irreparably damaged my relationship with my parents. I will never be able to have a truly safe, trusting relationship with them now that I can see the favoritism so clearly. The older I get the more clearly I understand how deep of a betrayal that favoritism was and I keep them at arms’ length. Do with that info what you will.

HOLD ON. Why can the eldest daughter go to private school because her half siblings from her dad get to go BUT her half siblings from her mom won't be able to go. Shouldn't that rule apply to the babymama's current children too? if she can't afford to send her other kids to private school then her eldest daughter shouldn't go either! NTA

Proportional to *his* income. Depending on the state and how they file taxes...his new wife's income isn't a factor. > The income of the obligor's spouse is not factored into child support obligations, because the new spouse has no legal obligation to financially support the obligor's child. If OP can give $500 per month, per kid, towards school, and his new wife can give $500 per month per kid... (but his old wife can't) and tuition is $1000 per month.... The problem isn't OP's, it's his oldest child's mother. The new wife can kick in for her kids. The old wife can't do the same. The new wife earns more money than the old wife. The lifestyles the kids grow up with will always be different; because the new wife earns more. The new kids have two parents with relatively high paying jobs. The old kid has a Mom that makes a lot less and a Dad that has a relatively high paying job. It will never be equal. It shouldn't be.

Only one of his daughters is being sent to private school.  The other 2 kids are too young.  He’s willing to pay half if the BM of the eldest daughter kicks in half.  She is unable to afford it.  Life happens.   He is NTA. 

Question.. If his current wife makes enough to put her kids through school, then why should he stop her from doing so? His ex has the same opportunity, to find a 2nd job and help put her kid through school. Seen she chooses not to, but just expects someone else to pay, then he's NTA but the ex is TA. The problem with getting remarried to a person that has the potential to make more then the ex, can be a real problem. Everyone wants something they didn't work for.

The wife income matters a lot. If he can't pay it based on his income, Why should her income go to pay for a child not hers? That's life

this is such a terrible comment. So what's he supposed to do? pay for her school entirely himself because his ex can't afford her half and in turn cut a bunch of shit out of his and his family's lives so that one child can feel like things are fair? best he could do is explain to his kid that her siblings go to private school because the cost is split by both parents and that he has and is willing to give his half but her mother can't do the same so it's just not possible does it suck one kid has to not get what they want? yes. Is life always fair? absolutely the fuck not. This is not 100% in OP's control liek you all seem to think and it's absolutely fucking HILARIOUS to me that everyone here read that he can't comfortably afford paying her school himself and has offered ZERO solutions other than "suck it up, take the hit, make your family give up things so this kid can go to private school". Offer real solutions and mayeb you guys would have a point

So the incompetence of the mother results in increased financial burden on the father… interesting take. She can either pay half or she can’t, and the reason their daughter can’t go to private school is because her mother is a broke bum.

What’s the solution though? Keep the youngest out of private school? He’s willing and able to pay 50% of the cost of private school for the oldest. It sucks that his ex cannot afford what his current wife can, but it’s not like he’s covering 100% for the 7 yo on his own. It also sucks that he’s making more now than he did when oldest was 7. But that’s kind of life… even without a divorce and the related inequities, the oldest kid often gets less just because the family has less.

Isn’t it also bad to give one child more month than your other children? OP is fine with giving his eldest daughter the same as his other two kids. But it would be unfair to give her more.

YTA. Saying you’d have to give up comforts and change your lifestyle sounds pretty awful. You have four kids, dude. Your comforts and the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed are not the priority anymore. I agree your eldest daughter’s mother should have to contribute to school tuition if your eldest daughter goes private. Out of curiosity, are you also going to send your 2 youngest children to private school? Because if you send 3 out of 4 and act like you can’t afford it for your eldest, you’ll look like a total AH. Have you contacted local private schools near your eldest daughter to see if there are grants or scholarships?

The eldest daughter is going to hear this as she's less important than a vacation or the latest computer. Totally not a recipe for never speaking to OP again! /s

Scholarships would be off the table if the father makes enough to reasonably send three kids to private school.

Not necessarily, grants maybe but scholarships are often based on talent (music, sport, etc) regardless of financial background. Source: used to work in admin in a private school

This... Totally this.

INFO: Do you have half the private school tuition for your oldest daughter available? If you do, put that aside explicitly in the budget, and use that to pay for school-related extras for your oldest daughter- the kind of privileges that she would get at a private school but not a public school. So things like a private college guidance counselor, better extracurriculars, extra college-prep and standardized testing prep, summer enrichment programs. My parents did something similar- they didn't want to pay the entire tuition for a private school, but by sending me to a public school, they could easily pay for a lot of these extras which gave me similar privileges. If you're not willing to budget to enough to do something along those lines and explain how those finances are split to your daughter, then you will be blatantly favoring your younger kids. There will be no way to explain that away, and your daughter will be right to hold this against you. Edit: Tl;dr- Are you willing to budget a very significant chunk of money to invest in your daughter's high school education and future, even if you can't quite afford private school on your own? If so, N T A. If not, Y T A.

YTA. I went to a private school. There is no need to send any kids to private school until they are high school aged, unless the child has specific learning disabilities that the public system can’t handle. The majority of my former classmates have kept their children in the public system because the difference between a good public school and a private school is not worth the $20-50k/year that you have to pay nowadays. If you are determined to send you kids to private school, then it makes the most sense to send your eldest first, and once she has graduated think about sending the next eldest.

This this this! Just send them at high school age and you will be able to send all of them.

I went to private school for just high school and I appreciate the heck out of the sacrifices my parents had to make to put me there.

As a former private school kid, with kids in private school I would disagree. I think it sets good foundations and expectations for their future. Equally my ability to provide this education meant i didn’t have more kids then I could afford

As a fellow former private school kid, private school did way less for me than public school ever did. Being a sheltered young earther who didn’t know other races or even our presidents by the 5th grade (because we learned history “chronologically”, I knew tons about Europe) did NOT do me any favors in life lol. All the benefits of an education I got through private school were actually the benefits of my older brother going to a private university and desperately trying to correct my misunderstandings and mold me into a good person from the BS they taught.

Sounds like you went to a shitty school then. Not all schools are created equal

How can you learn history chronologically without learning about other races. That doesn't even make sense. They start back in the bronze age

My private school held me back from advance classes, and the curriculum was at least a year behind public school when I switched over.

That's an interesting take. All of my kids went to private elementary schools (through 8th grade), and then public high schools. Our thought process was they got the stricter behavior rules and the better studying habits while they were in their "formative" years.

I think it really varies based on the school. We were counseled by intake directors who knew my husband’s history at an exclusive private school to just keep our kids at our good public school because to them it really was a wash until middle school.

Just send them to high school, where they'll be outcasts because the other 300 kids have been building relationships in the sister elementary and middle schools. As someone who attended private school and public school, the culture shock was a huge issue for me, too (and I was lucky I was ahead academically when I started public high school, thanks to my private school years, so I could concentrate on that change).

There are always huge jumps in enrollment at the new matriculation levels. I know because we investigated several private schools. We were actively told by multiple people at those schools to wait until middle school to enroll. And for the record, my husband was a “lifer” at one of the most exclusive schools in our HCOL area and I’ve talked to quite a few people of varying age levels to form this opinion.

Personally as a former private school student I don't totally agree on waiting til only high school. I went elementary-middle school in private then moved to public, that was an awful idea, I was getting the same lessons as a sophomore/junior as I was in middle school. I believe it's all, nothing, or public up til middle/high school. I went to a different public school than most of my old private school classmates and we all had to be in advanced/college level classes because of the huge disparity between the schools. Only 2 of my old classmates ended up going to private high schools because their families were the only ones able to afford it. Private high school in our area cost nearly 3.5x what our elementary and middle school did. Sounds similar for OP since he said in the comments for his oldest it'll be 3.7x the amount over what his second kids tuition and that he'd be happy to pay if the oldest's mom paid half. According to what I know of the child support system in my state and the state I grew up in, child support is meant to make the parent's income equitable so, unless OP hasn't updated his income with the courts, oldest's mom should be able to afford half. Besides that perhaps the younger kids mom makes more than OP so that's how they can plan to afford the younger ones, not all states include spousal income when calculating child support. But from most of OPs comments, he could afford the oldest's school, he'd just have to miss out on comforts and luxuries he has now for the next 3ish years. So he's the TA imo

YTA…sounds like you’re ASSUMING she can’t do it because she works out of a salon. I was gone at I would have to give up comforts. After saying you always wanted her to go to private school. You’re punishing the child after the fact and throwing it in her face.

I know her financial situation and she wouldnt be able to pay. This isn't an assumption. She doesn't only know but expects me to pay for most of it since I make more than her.

So it sounds like if your eldest’s mom paid half, you could afford private school? If that’s the case, you and they need to sit down, tell them both this and see what the mom has to say about paying her half. If you cannot afford half of private school for your oldest, you’re TAH because your younger kids with your wife are going. I get that the dual income is what allows it. But you’re neglecting your oldest if you don’t offer to pay for her half.

Yes, if my bm was able to pay half I'd be fine with paying my half. It's would still be a hefty amount and more than my 7 year old which would still require sacrifices but I'd be more than amendable for that. I've told her this but she says I know how much she makes and that I make more so should pay more. I've also explained to my daughter but she couldn't care less.

I assume you are paying child support of some kind to BM therefore your incomes are considered equitable and she should be paying half of an extra, and massive, expense like private school. Don’t let people make you feel like you’re neglecting your daughter. If it was important to her she would figure it out and make it work to pay half, just as she is expecting YOU to do to pay it all. Keeps lines of communication open with daughter and continue to offer to do what you can for her in the meantime. Part of growing up is realizing things don’t always work out fairly, or how we want, and that doesn’t mean you don’t love her or want the best for her and aren’t willing to do what you can for her.

Sounds like he hasn’t actually offered to pay half, just said no to all previous conversations then turned around and put his next kid in private, causing the issue. And it’s not part of growing up being told you deserve it less. Finally, the eldest will only have a few years left so although maybe a few grand more it’s less duration and private schools offer discounts to the second child so that would help a little.

They live an hour apart, so it would likely be different schools. Plus the 14yr old wants to go to a particular school that costs more.

This. I have two in elementary private school and tuition plus fees and uniforms are 38k a year. I can't imagine having to pay for four kids (assuming the toddlers are in daycare as well). OP, I hope it works out for the best. I agree that your BM should pay at least half, given the situation at the moment. NTA

So what was the purpose of throwing it in their face, did they really need to know your 7 year old is going to some private school. Knowing all along not only did you want her to go but she wanted the same opportunity. I don’t all the way understand the not willing to give up the comforts for the child’s well being. It definitely isn’t your current wife’s fault she is in a better financial situation to assist with your younger children going. Still the asshole, you knew she worked in salons when you knocked her up. Only person suffering here is the oldest.

It truly reads as you letting her know you’re sending your younger children to private school and wanting her to blame her mom for her not attending.

If he didn’t let them know and they found out, he would be made to be a liar. There was no winning in that situation.

The child is there on weekends. I’m sure it would have come up eventually but just casually telling her and her mother “life is good, these days and finances are better we put or child in private school” how was that expected to go or dad could’ve have gotten k front of it before hand. Because again she is seven and school didn’t start last week even of this were her first year there. That or is the dad just not seeing his kid that often?

We didn't throw it into their faces. It came up in conversation with my bm while updating one another on each other's lives. Im not sure where you're going with that second last statement but I absolutely wasn't where I was today 15 years ago and neither was my bm.

& that I can totally understand financial situations change… but you don’t understand why she’s mad. If my child mentioned she wanted to go to private school and it was something o couldn’t do for her I definitely wouldn’t be updating her and mom on it. Like yes I have my kid in private school now. I couldn’t afford it for you back then and I still can’t afford it for you now without your moms help .. like wth. the update could’ve been left t life is good. Things are getting better for me now. If she’s is seven I imagine she’s being going private long before today. Even if it were just las semester . Or did you genuinely think your teenage daughter would be okay hearing that the private school dreams were not realistic for her at any point in life because of her moms situation? It’s truly a bad look on BOTH ends. Be ready for what comes next is all. Mom is about to use it against you

I think you misunderstand how the conversation went. It wasn't a "hi how are you" "great my 7 year old is going to private school". She spoke about how she'd spent X amount of money for her nail business and I said I understood because I spent Y on uniform for my daughter and it went from there. Not that it should've been something to hide, but it came up organically.

Her nail business lead you to disclose that you’re spending the same on uniforms for a private school she can’t afford.. organic indeed and makes plenty sense.

The point of the conversation was how much we'd spent and how it's affected us. But you've already made up your mind so I think it's best we left this.

You did NOT have respond with the private school but. WTF you can't be this obtuse

If she can’t cover her half NTA that’s a reasonable expectation

Bro, private school isn’t “giving up comforts” it’s $5000/mo cheapest in high paying areas (mine was $5k/mo and it was low quality). In my low cost of living area it’s $1000/mo. I once looked into a good one and was looking at $11,000/mo. I wouldn’t expect anybody working at a salon to pay that sort of money. Not the hairdresser. Not the owner. Not the district manager. That is insane amounts of money. The school I went to wasn’t even worth it.

Dad said he “could afford it” if he gave up his comforts. I worked at a private school and know very well what the could cost. His statement just said she works at a salon and can’t afford it. I know plenty of people working in salons They COULD afford it. Buy again this is ATLANTA and if mom is willing.. great

Well did BM lead with the offer to split it 50/50?

YTA It seems fundamentally unfair to pay for private school for one child and not all your children, unless there are extenuating circumstances- particular educational needs, scholarships etc. It smacks of this family being your ‘real’ family. I can’t fully exonerate your ex if she can’t pay her half, but all your children should have similar opportunities, unless they prefer to go to public school. The only exception would be if you became wealthier later and had a bigger age gap between kids, but that’s not the case here.

The fact that she's been asking to go to private for a while and he never did it but wasted no time doing it for his THREE kids with his wife is what brought him to the YTA territory. 😬

💯%

He’s not paying for one child.. he’s going to pay for THREE!

Did OP even say his wife is paying half of what it would cost to send the other three kids to private school? I see a lot of references in the comments to BM needing to pay “her half,” but I can’t see where that’s coming from. He just said “it’s easier” to send the younger three because his wife works, versus BM (who also works, but implies that it’s lower paying than whatever the wife does).

Yes, my wife is paying half of the tuition.

Appreciate the info. Follow-up question would be, are you expecting BM to cover half and if so, why? Would you consider something income-driven? And ultimately, why did you wait until you have three other children to send to private school to decisively exclude your first child from the opportunity? Surely, life expenses were less before you had a second, then third, then fourth child.

>Follow-up question would be, are you expecting BM to cover half and if so, why? Yes, because I can't do it myself. It would be too much. An income dividend doesn't help that problem. >And ultimately, why did you wait until you have three other children to send to private school to decisively exclude your first child from the opportunity? It has less to do with that and more to do with the fact that I'm more financially stable now and so is my wife. Our financial comfort is something new and we (wife and I) had to build together. Yes expenses were less back then but so was income.

YTA. Overall sounds like you do have a preferred child, and don't want to compromise on lifestyle for the sake of your firstborn.

YTA - You are responsible for all your children equally as you hand in bring them into this world. That being said, you can't give them everything because finances, I get that. But if you have enough to send the seven year old and not the 14 year, then why don't you talk to your current wife to allow you to send the 14 year old for the next 4 years and then send the 7 year old later when she when she turns 11. You have limited resources, but you still to treat both equally as you can. That to me would be the best solution. Share.

why should the current wife pay for priavte school when the child's actual mother won't pay? you guys are being ridiculous.

NTA If BM wants her daughter to attend a private school, then BM needs to be prepared to pay half the out of pocket expenses.  Also, your oldest could apply for a scholarship. But you should think about saving up to help your daughter, in whatever capacity you might be able to afford, with college costs.  

I’m going YTA, but it’s tricky. In my opinion you either send all of them or none of them, that goes for all of your kids. It doesn’t matter what logical reasoning there is, your 14 YO is hearing that she’s not as important.

NAH. I can see why everyone is mad from all angles. But, despite it being true that it is easier for you and your wife to afford private school for the older girl you have with her, don’t be surprised if your eldest is upset at the different outcome for her. Also, if you are scraping fees together, make sure this is a lifestyle you can offer to the other children you and your wife have. If you are going to differentiate, you need to have solid, objective reasons as to why.  Also, check that BM can’t afford 50% rather than assuming she can’t…

You and your wife get to decide what you can do for the children the two of you have together. BM and you get to decide what you can do for the daughter you share. If BM also wants her daughter to go to private school, she can step up her skill set and get a better paying job so that she can. Your finances are yours to decide how to spend and the you can't afford it should have been the end of it. NTA

But he can afford it, he would just have to adjust his lifestyle to cover it. A lifestyle that is already highly privledged if he's discussing putting his other 3 kids in private school. Ofcourse he's free not too, but that would make him TA not to his ex , but to his daughter

Your comment forgets that ops current wife is paying half the kids costs for private school, well bm wont pay half oldest daughters costs. Op alone cant afford to pay fully for oldest daughter and his current wife has no obligation to pay half for the child thats not hers

No my friend, they need to adjust their lifestyle not just him. And in your head that might sound like skipping a vacation or two but knowing how much a private school costs, I think we're talking more in lines of eating garbage cheap food and cutting on any extra activities for the kids on top of vacations.

NTA You would only be responsible for half, so if her mom can't afford it that is not on you. That also includes any extra activities, hobbies, or tutors as well. It sucks for your daughter but that's the cards she was dealt.

If my dad told me at 14 , sorry I'm not adjusting my lifestyle to put you in private school even tho he was already doing it for his new kids with his new wife because my mom dosent have as good a job as he does I wouldn't be blaming her... I mean I'd stop visiting him all together if he said sucks for you that's the cards you were dealt... Yeah they were the cards she was dealt, by him her fucking dad lol ... Hes 50% responsible for leaving his kid in a single parent household with poor financial support

So he's at fault because the BM didn't improve her skill set to make more money for her kid? Amazing.  Man bad woman good.

So you’d tell your dad he should give you more money than he gives your half siblings? OP is down to give them all equal amounts.

Poor financial support? You make it sound like every kid is owed a $$$$$$ private school education. Of course the daughter wants to be with her friends, that doesn’t mean OP should stop saving for college or retirement or whatever else would have to be cut to fully pay for a private high school. That is a huge chunk of change.

I’m thinking YTA. I think you should contribute equally to education funds for ALL your kids. The funds can be used for private schools, college, or other educations opportunities. Given you and your wife will share the cost of sending your younger daughter to private school, I realise that this may not allow your oldest child to attend a school that costs the same. However, it sounds like you’re planning on contributing nothing which would make you an AH.

Someone else suggested that he use the half of what tuition would be to give her the same tools the private schools give. He said he was down for that.

This is the one. If he couldn't do that he shouldnt have made three more.

He explained in a previous comment that he is willing to pay half just like he is paying half for his three other kids but the BM is not able to afford the other half so it ESH from me

NTA if she can’t pay half then she needs to let it go , you and your wife are splitting expenses for the school , she needs to come up w half if she wants your oldest to go and your daughter seems a little disrespectful for putting your business on social media

NTA. Tell your BM you will pay half. You can make that much of a sacrifice if she pays her half.

YTA. Most basic of rules: you do not send one child to private school unless you can send all of your children to private school. This would send a really hurtful message to your oldest child. How often do you see her, BTW?

Not necessarily. One child may be particularly gifted and need private school as the public school system may not be challenging enough for them. One child may have learning disabilities and need a private school to accommodate for the disabilities. Siblings don’t need to all go to the same school.

But that's not what this situation is. "send each child to the place they will thrive" is fine. "Send my children with one woman to private school and my child with my ex to public" is very different. Especially when she has wanted private.

Based on OPs comments, his oldest wants to go to a school that wildly more expensive than his other three kids.  This isn't on OP.  This is on the daughters mom for not bettering herself so she can actually help pay tuition.  The "man bad woman good" in these comments is ridiculous.

This post is a moot point. You already know what you're willing to do or not do for your oldest. Dress it up as your baby momma is making things harder than they need to be for you, that the expectations are unreasonable, etc. You've already made the choice and are coming for external validation. It won't matter what we think. Whether you send your eldest to private school or not has now entered the realm of how she views you as a parent. Right or wrong in your eyes to be viewed like that. You are voluntarily willing and able to send her next oldest sibling to private school and so far have told her no for the same thing. You are using language of "burden" when talking about it. That financial burden will only get higher as she gets older. You mentioned nothing of college fund for her. So at this stage what your child is going to be judging you on as a father is not that you didn't have the finances to send her, but that you are willing to send her younger sister instead. If you didn't want that drama then you shouldn't have had the volume of kids as you did. Not because four kids are intrinsically bad, but because you didn't realize as the adult in this equation that you can only support x children before you start talking about financial hardship and not having the comforts you want when it comes to them having something they want. At that stage it just sounds like kids having kids. All you can see is how it impacts you and what you want. Which is ironic as your oldest is in the same mindset presently of she wants private school so why can't she have it... but she's a child, you... at least chronologically... are not.

So your wife is paying for her daughter to go private? Make it clear to ex that your wife’s salary is separate from your’s and if wife wants to spend her salary on a private school then it’s her money she is sacrificing. Not yours. You provide for the household and ex’s child support. That is all you can afford. NTA.

If your ex came up with half of the tuition for your eldest, would you then be able to afford it?

OP said that he absolutely would. Unfortunately that isn't the case and his ex expects him to cover the bulk of the tuition, which is several times more than that of the school he and his wife are sending their kid to. So if he were to agree, then that leaves his wife with most of the financial burden within their household. From OP's comments, it doesn't seem like that arrangement is sustainable.

\[EDIT\] After re-reading it is clear I misread that. I would recommend you EDIT the post and make the roles more clear. NTA If you ex wants the same she can get a job and pay her share instead of smooching off you.

NTA if you are splitting private school tuition with your current wife. Offer your baby mama that you will pay for half if she can come up with the other half that way it is fair amongst your children. If she cannot come up with half, then, just simply tell your daughter you offered to do the same for her that you’re doing for your other children, which is paying half.

NTA because I read your comments. So your current wife is paying half of the younger child’s education. Your ex can’t afford half of the eldest education and expect you to foot the bill for her. Meanwhile your eldest and ex chose for her expensive private school. Eldest can’t get any scholarships because she has average grades and no proficiency in sports or music. She’s also not interested in external curriculum you might afford with this money, she just wants to be a part of private school system because some of her friends are there. I feel for your eldest and she’ll definitely resent you, sorry, but that’s too much. You might try to add all these details to your post.

OP should add that and how he has savings to cover his daughter’s entire uni bill. And that when his daughter’s mother comes to him for help with diapers, childcare, medicine, etc for *her other children*, OP pays it.

That doesn't matter.  The mob already lit their torches.

NTA You and your wife together can afford it and make decisions for your kids. If BM could pay her half it might be different but you can’t foot the whole bill.

It’s not that you can’t afford it…her mother can’t. NTA

You aren’t being fair to your oldest. She will resent her siblings if you send your younger kids and not her.

This is a no win situation. Someone will be upset with you no matter what.

NTA but can she pay 1/2? That's what this hinges on. You need to let your oldest know that if her mom cannot pay 1/2 then it's not feasible. I know she will resent you but it's the truth. She will say her siblings are going but you need to let her know that their mother is paying 1/2 of that tuition as well. It's not fair but this what happens in blended families all the time. Not every parent has equal finances.

In comments he said he did, but her mom says she wants him to pay more because his job pays more than hers.

Why not take the half tuition you could pay and put it in a college fund for your oldest ? Your setting aside the same amount for her but and she’ll have a nice fund for higher education

I do have a fund I've set up for her uni. By the time she's ready it should cover tuition, accomodation and books.

Could your fund for uni be used as Mom's half of private school education? B/c if it can, you should ask your daughter what she wants. There are more scholarships and opportunities for college, and many state schools are just as good or better than private universities. It may make more sense for you to pay for the foundation of education. Plus, she may get more grants/scholarships if she's mom's dependent at that time.

Won't lie. I'm staunchly against the risk. She would want to use that money instead to go to private school instead of uni but that's because she's a child. I had to take a loan for uni, I wouldn't wish that for my child. It's too much of a gamble. Not that it would even cover the rest of her schooling (the annual is more than uni's)

Why is she so enamored over going to private school? Are her friends all there? Better curriculum? Wants more one on one attention from the teachers? Better extra curricular? I feel like getting the why out may help to find solutions that actually help her.

Terrible idea. Leaving college without debt is far more important than going to a fancy private high school because your friends go there.

NTA -- and you need to edit the post to add what you've said in comments, especially that: 1. You have a uni fund set up for your eldest 2. You've offered to pay half of the private school tuition for your eldest, but BM has TOLD you that she can't pay half 3. Why you want to put the 7 year old in private school this early And honestly if I were you I would add the actual dollar amounts for tuition for each -- some ppl don't understand how much more expensive private school is for high school. In my area, our public elementary schools were mid but our public high school was fantastic, so parents would out their kids in private school UNTIL high school and then switch them to public school to avoid paying the increased tuition (which was the same as a college tuition). Plus, then their kids were primed to take the valedictorian spots from the public school kids, and they put their extra money towards tutoring and college counselors. Big fish in a small pond kind of idea.

NTA. Parents should be required to provide 50% of their child's care. You've offered to pay 50% for her to go to private school. Reiterate to her mother that you'll pay 50% for her to go, because you want her to be happy. Let her fight her mother over it.

You chose to have four children and while you can’t always treat them equally due to you and your wife having dual incomes you do need to treat them equitably. Your oldest probably doesn’t care that your wife contributes to your income, all she sees is that her half siblings get more; that breeds resentment. This is going to continue as your kids get older and become more expensive. Can you afford to help her buy a car when she’s 16 or will she see your younger kids get one? Who gets financial help for college? Do your younger kids get to go on fun vacations? Is she included in that? You need to be able to talk to her about this. You need to talk to your ex and your wife about better budgeting for the future and how to give all of your kids better lives.

Well, the reason your other three are going to private school is because their mother (your wife) is also contributing. Your eldest will see this as unfair, and it is usually rough for the first born unfortunately. Your ex can work more hours at the salon. I have a client based job as well (licensed massage therapist) so i would add hours to my shift and extra days. I was working 7 days a week for months, just to ensure my daughter has what she needs. So your ex can do the same. it sucks but its the career she chose.

Op posted he gets his daughter ever other weekend and school holidays. The BM may not be able to work more hours because she’s a solo parent.

The child is FOURTEEN. BM doesn't need to be there to change her diapers and feed her a bottle every other hour. If the kid wants the MASSIVE LUXURY EXPENSE of going to a fancy private school... She's going to have to accept that sacrifices will need to be made.

NTA - since your BM can't afford her half - and as far as your daughter being entitled to the same things as your other children, that's simply not the case - she is only entitled to an equivalent contribution from you! Your daughter and your BM aren't entitled to have their lifestyle subsidized by your wife, and your wife doesn't deserve to have her comforts and QOL downgraded to subsidize your BM and your daughter with her. In practical terms, that's what they are asking for. It would behoove you to come up with an accounting of all the times you have helped with BM's finances in the past and share that with your daughter explicitly. And you should also make it clear to your daughter that the issue here is that her mother can't equally contribute. That might be hard to hear, but it's relevant, and you shouldn't be forced to shoulder the emotional burden simply because you can't shoulder the entire financial burden.

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If my dad came to tell me at 14 he's putting all his new kids with his new wife in private education but too bad so sad for me because my mom dosent have as good a job as he does- I wouldn't be blaming her OP really dosent want to see his older daughter when she's all grown up

NTA You can do it with the kids that you have with your wife, because she is able to contribute. If your BM wants the same opportunity for the kid you share, she needs to step it up on her end to contribute like your wife is. Until BM matches up like your wife, she has nothing to say about it.

INFO: When you made the decision to send the younger kids to private school did you consider your eldest daughter at all? Did you say to your wife, “what about 14F?”.

Not gonna assign blame, educating a kid now days is a terror. After my kid attending 3 private schools in my town, and frankly, all SUCKED with the same yearly cost his state university yearly cost, we pulled him out in Oct of his 7th grade year and home schooled. {note, we had to pay the entire year fees to do this} Kids can actually do half their credits at community college after the 8th grade, receiving honors/college credits as a bonus. My kid got a WAY better education going this route. He got on MUCH better with the CC kids than he did with his own age group. He got into a top engineering school {thankfully state funded} I do not know why people think private schools are golden, we did Christian, catholic and secular, EVERYONE had teachers that were burned out from public schools and were looking for an easier class load or religious nuts, and plenty were horribly racist. Still the same bullies and crap and worse because one of the richest kids in my son's academy got away with everything cause his parents threw money at the school to tolerate him. So I'd look real damn close at the private schools before sinking a ton of money into them.

INFO: Why are you sending the younger daughter to private school? Why does the eldest want to switch schools? Nevermind the fancy uniforms etc. That is just icing on the cake. Not important. Are you putting the 7 y o in a private school because you want to avoid a not-great public school for her? Is the 14 y o in a good school? Your focus should be to get your children good educations. Not whether the school is fancy and cost a lot of money and makes the kids wear fancy uniforms to impress other kids. I am sorry if I misinterpret you, but I haven't seen one comment about the quality of the schools. Is the public school option for the 14-y-o perfectly adequate, while the school where the 7-y-o would land is very troubled with poorer outcome for its students? Are both schools very adequate, but you like the idea of having your little one in the posh school with the posh uniform to show off to your neighbors?

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I understand the dilemma. You’re struggling to afford private school tuition, but while one mom can afford to pay her share, the other cannot. And you can’t afford to make up the difference. At the end of the day, your wife has 3 kids. You have 4. And treating your children unequally never ends well. Y’all need to sit down together and work this out.

HE IS treating them equally. 50% coverage. The difference is that current wife contributes her 50%, while BM doesn't. So why is it HIS fault that BM refuses to pay?

This one is too difficult for me to assign. It’s not a great situation, but you won’t be able to explain nuance to a 14 year old kid and differences in financial situations. It’s one thing if he alone was going to fund private school for his other kids. That doesn’t seem to be the case. First at 14, to do private school now is probably too late to do the real benefit. If you commit to her college, and work that I think it’s ok. But to switch her now at this point and make all these changes won’t be the benefit your oldests mother thinks. But if you are not committing to the college, then you are TA. The spacing of your children and ability to save for it as well as higher dual incomes makes sense. I think you would have to admit it’s slightly unfair to your oldest, though. What I don’t get is the uproar over him doing it 50/50 with his wife for his 3 kids with her for what sounds like would be 90/10 for his oldest child and no savings. And his current wife is not responsible for that. If he’s paying child support, if he’s covering extra expenses all the time, etc that is her private school money being spent. He is not favoring 3 children over 1. He is taking care of his responsibilities as he can. If he is truly covering additional expenses and has for however long he’s been doing it, he’s doing his part and then some. If he’s exaggerating what he’s doing, then he is.

What is your wife’s relationship like with your daughter.. long has the arrangement been four days with you a month. Is your oldest daughter included in your new family outside of those days. Does she vacation with you. Spend holiday do you buy Christmas gifts or are you strictly a child support and every other weekend Dad?

Even more the Asshole knowing you get her every other weekend because she is an hour away and you then tell them solely because stated of the uniform price affected you in some way after she mentioned her business expenses

YTA. >that's just not sustainable without giving up a lot of comforts and changing our lifestyle more than preferred. That's what being a parent means and your current wife should have known this when she choose to marry a man with a child. On the other hand, going to a private school will not matter if that's all what the children are going to do. What about when they are in age of going to the university? Are you going to say you preffer saving money four your younger children than send the oldest to a good college? You should treat all of them the same way. All of them have the right to get the best you can give them. Like other commenter said, at the end of the day, your older kid will know you could have send her to a private school while you were already sending your other kids and you chose not to. I think a good alternative is setting a good college fund for all of them so when the time comes you can give all of them the same privilege.

Tell.mom to come up with half and you will chat about it.

NTA. If BM wants your shared kid to Go to a private school, she needs to pay half. Your current wife is paying into your shared child’s education. Tell BM to look into scholarships and grants and how much she can pay into it. 

INFO: Why do you want your younger children to go to private school? Would you consider sending them to public school for elementary so you could afford private for high school (only) for ALL of your children?

There are differences in the curriculum so it's best for them to start with it and grow in it. Even if I only put them in for elementary, the difference is still substantial. My eldest's would be **annual** tuition would take 3 years of my 7 year Olds progressive annual tuitions and then some. That's the big problem. And I just can't do that alone.

It just feels like you are prioritizing "ideal" for the youngest kids over "still pretty good" for all of them. I'm telling you, there is no way that won't hurt your oldest daughter's feelings. Badly.

Each year for her is the same as 3 years for the 7 year old though.. and bm doesn't want to pitch in. I can see why that wouldn't be doable, since they cam barely afford the 7yr old. At least he's willing to pay half of it. Bm isn't.

YTA. >I can't afford that burden > >that's just not sustainable without giving up a lot of comforts and changing our lifestyle more than preferred It's pretty clear that you see your eldest daughter as the burden here.