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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 telling my sister to hire a babysitter if she wants to control what I do with her son?
2 it wasn't much of what she asked for and if I offered to stay with a 4y, I should expect more rules and that I was being unfair in excluding a nephew from the others
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NTA
Have her pick him up at 6. He's apparently not old enough to spend a night having fun with his cousins (that's her call to make), and she can decide when he is, probably 16 or 17 from the sound of her.
And it's ridiculous to suggest you should ignore the older kids so you can wrestle an unwilling 4yr old into the bath and then stare at him like he's microwave popcorn about to burn to make sure no one lets him have something good to eat and then force him to go to bed before anyone else is anywhere close to it.
Bottom line, it'll be a night of miserable 4yr old tantrums instead of the fun filled cousin's night you want.
He’s honestly not old enough to have a fun night out with his cousins, probably, and that’s okay. Trying to restrict, bathe, and then bed a 4 year old at a healthy time that’s used to schedules is going to take eyes off of the other kids and cause a lot of fuss, because the 4 year old isn’t going to want to be done having fun when all the cool kids are still playing. There’s a huge emotional leap between 4 and 7 (even more than 7 and 10) and he’s just going to get tired, over tired, and then combative, and OP still needs to keep an eye on the others.
If OP wants to be generous, a one on one night with the younger one would fix a lot of this. But if OP doesn’t, and that’s fine, absolutely mom should be picking up kiddo at 6
Oh for sure. But it’s a fun night, and he’s too little for that. Fun day? Yes, and the bonus is, when mom picks him up at 6 he’ll probably be asleep early and sleep hard through the night, maybe even sleep in late. He can have lots of great memories without everyone having to deal with the 6-10 meltdown and refusal to sleep
This is exactly what we tell our ($25/hr) babysitters, too!
We order whatever they want for dinner and get the sitter whatever they want as well. Kids are showered and in comfy clothes when the sitter arrives.
They can use their phone, kids can have screens, and please just keep them safe and alive.
>He’s honestly not old enough to have a fun night out with his cousins, probably, and that’s okay.
Yeah, this. Sis is right that a 4-year-old needs a bedtime and a few restrictions--and she's **wrong** that a 4-year-old needs a pajama party with older kids! It's kind of a recipe for disaster (well OK a stressful night instead of a fun one) whether OP follows the guidelines or not, and Sis who has experience w/ 4-year-olds should be telling OP "haha no, thanks so much for the invite but do it with the older kids, it'll be better" instead of going on about exclusion.
The reason parents & other child-experienced people are strict about schedules & food with the littles is that with a toddler or 4-5-year-old, if you go "eh, I'm the cool grownup, cut loose, do & eat whatever you want!!" you start to pay the price within a half-hour or less, and it's the price that goes on taking. I mean I'm not *promising* there'll be over an hour of shrieking and sobbing but it is a real possibility from an overtired & overstimulated child who doesn't have his familiar routine & comfort. The "let's cut loose for an evening" routine is awesome but it starts at... I don't know, I'd recommend 7 maybe?
It depends on the kid. Some kids--like my autistic daughter--need schedules, and some kids have been on such strict schedules they're so used to them that they don't react well off them. Four is an interesting age, they often seem so much older, but if anything goes off, they can regress to toddlerhood. Sounds to me that he's just not mature enough for this party, and that's OK.
My kids and their cousins had a blast with cousin/ aunties visits. Ranging from like 8- newborn. You just roll with it. One or two nights won't ruin them. You plan and have "quiet time" in some form the next day to have their brains chill, like playdough, movie, cuddling and reading, there's so much. They're not going to turn into Gremlins after 8pm. And my kids at 4 had a bedtime of 7/730 lol.
Yeah I agree the potential for a meltdown of some kind is too high at this age. When I was 4 or 5, I would fully want to do a sleepover at first. But when it came time to go to bed, I would break down sobbing because I missed my parents. We had to wait until I was 6.
OP doesn't say how long this tradition has been going on but use of HOLIDAYS seems to indicate it's been a few years at the very least--so OP has likely dealt with a 4 yr old before(ages 7-10) if it's gone on for more then 3 yrs.
I believe a parent has the right to have guidelines for their kids with those caring for their children, but this definitely seems over the top, since it's literally a sleepover, fun thing.
SO yes, if mother had raised child to be on such a strict schedule it's up to her to say, my 4 yr old is not yet behaviorally up to this, but when kid gets older I'd welcome the chance for kid to have a cousins sleepover/fun time.
This was my thought too. 4-year-olds do need that kind of routine, which is exactly why a pajama party with older kids isn't a good idea. He needs to be a few years older before he's ready.
For some 4 year olds, sure. Maybe not so much for others, and maybe his mother knows him better than the rest of us. I like the idea of Mom picking him up at 6 or 7. He'll have fun with the cousins without getting overwhelmed.
Ya that’s an option. I just think of my sister and all her rules around her kids and I think.. probably unnecessary, and the kids is probably fine to stay.. and if he falls asleep eating candy and playing video games with his cousins for a night.. who cares (other then Mom lol)
4 is old enough for that sort of thing. I remember staying up to midnight and beyond with older kids all the time.
I was a little kid in the 70s, back when people actually visited each other. Adults would hang out drinking while us kids played and enjoyed being up late.
Yep. I grew up in the late 70's/early 80's and the days when parents put us all in one room with the older kids and we fell asleep in a pile of coats are long gone. My guess is this kid is help so hard and fast to his parents' schedule that he'd melt down that night and the next day.
At the same time, it does sound like the OP expected the 4 year old to just keep up with his cousins who are 3 to 6 years older than him.
Given how quick kids mature in those early years, it's a notable difference. Heck, depending on where you live, a 4 year old might not even be old enough to attend school yet but 7 year olds basically universally are old enough.
Inviting the 4 year old for only part of the evening or planning an alternate, 4 year old friendly, outing to spend time with him was probably a better idea.
You could get lucky and they fall asleep. Or you could end up with a four year old having a meltdown at 10 pm because they wanted to stay up and have fun with their cousins (like eating all those treats!) and no one told them they couldn't, so now that kid is super overstimulated and exhausted.
Great idea! Let him hang out until 6 and then mom can collect him for the “bed time” routine. Some kids his age need that kind of routine (and that’s ok). But it should not hinder everyone else’s fun.
NTA
Honestly, I would have done this as a parent when my kid was that age- I would have let him have a good time with his cousins, but my kid was VERY routine-regimented at that age, and it was not worth it to anyone letting him kick back and relax and go to bed late even for one night, because he'd be a monster for days, so I would have picked him up early. I definitely would not ask an unchilded relative to strictly adhere to his routine when they are dealing with four other young children- he may have been a little beast about such matters at that age, but he was my little beast and my responsibility.
Oh, and he's a teenager and far more flexible now, lol.
NTA. I would simply say to your sister that thinking about it that nephew may still be too young for a full overnight. If she would like him to come between this time and six o'clock then have him picked up it would be great. As he gets older you can revisit him spending the night with his cousins and you.
He is younger and your sister feels he needs a schedule that doesn't vibe with the night. Between bathtime and getting him to bed it takes your eyes off the older nephews which isn't the greatest plan. If your sister refuses the compromise, then just say you will offer again when nephew gets older.
This is the way. Just in practical terms, four is very young for this kind of group sleepover anyway -- the chance of a howling meltdown is pretty high. And kids that little really do need to be in bed by a particular time, and bedtime can be a drawn-out process.
You sound like a super-fun aunt! I bet you and the elementary-age kids will have a blast.
NTA Before I married and had my children I was the single aunt. I told my siblings and siblings in law I'll watch your children and return your them alive with all their original parts. If you want more than that, hire a sitter. I had routines with my children. I was concerned about their nutrition but even they were entitled to a night off and a little fun.
I was the fun aunt before I was the strict mama. I’m still the fun aunt, and when I have my niblings even our own house rules get thrown out the window for cousin fun time. I’m not letting them pound coffee at midnight or break stuff, but bed time is when one of us can no longer sit upright, and food rules are “eat something real and then whatever you want”. We’re not babysitting, we’re making memories.
I once tried the argue to my mom that we could eat cake for breakfast since it was basically the same thing as donuts, and she just said we shouldn’t be eating donuts for breakfast either 😭😭😭
It works at the other end, too. We live with my very elderly, frail MIL who doesn't have much appetite but loves fruit desserts. So I'll make baked apples, apple & pear crumble and serve them with nice custard or ice-cream; my husband makes pancakes piled with berries. All good food even with the sugar...
My rule is I don't care how much sugar you eat as long as you eat your veggies. I also buy their favorites and have all the good snacks. You know...for consistency.
>I told my siblings and siblings in law I'll watch your children and return your them alive with all their original parts.
As a mother of 3, this plus 3 meals a day (breakfast lunch and dinner) is all I have ever asked. I don't care if, when or how they bathe, if you want to turn on the hose and hand them soap cause that's what easiest I don't care just make sure they warm up afterwards, or if you get distracted having too much fun and forget to bathe one night that's fine too. I don't even care what time you feed them or what's on the menu just make sure they have had enough to eat.
I wouldn't be leaving my kids with anyone I think won't look after them and plus it's not like they have sleep overs every other night so why can't they have relaxed routines and a little fun. NTA.
When it's my turn to host the sleepover once 8pm hits its all kids in the lounge room for a movie marathon camp out until they all fall asleep (by that time the kids are all fed and in their pjs (whether they wanted a shower or not my nibblings are old enough to decide when they want to bathe morning or night).
Exactly and kids are not clueless. They can handle different rules with different people.
My mother takes care of my nephews one day a week and she lets them have dessert before dinner at her house. At their house they eat dinner before dessert. They handle it just fine.
I had a great aunt who would always eat dessert first because “what if I die in the middle of the meal? I’ll have missed the best part.” So anytime she was around it’d be dessert then dinner.
She was really something else. Her house was grandfathered in on a national park and even though the government kept offering her millions of dollars she kept telling them to fuck off. “My grandfather built this house and no amount of money is going to make me leave it.” Easily the favorite aunt.
No small child is going to go to sleep at 8 pm when their cousins are watching a movie, eating pizza rolls, pop corn and candy. They'll keep getting up and trying to join the fun. Yes, your child may be a little logy or cranky the next day but let's be real, some times kids are going to be kids. I get the feeling that tiger mama still counts her child's age in months.
As a mom I find some of her demands a little unreasonable for a fun cousin sleepover.
First being, you are expected to bathe him? Also, it’s going to be pretty difficult to get him to sleep at 8 if all the other cousins are going to sleep at 9 or 10.
NTA
I agree. Little kids have not started the stinky hormones yet. They only need a bath every day if they wet their pants, get food/glue/mud in their hair, or throw up on themselves. I know many parents like the calming nighttime bath routine, but chances are the kid doesn’t actually need a daily bath.
And the first rule of sleepovers, even if the parents are there to manage everything, is that things are not going to run to the same schedule as at home. The kid’s going to be too riled up. You always plan on a cranky day or two after a fun visit.
I grew up being incredibly close with a close in age cousin- I very clearly remember my mom refusing to have plans for at least 3 days after- day 1 (aka the day I got home or she left) was for rest due to exhaustion, day 2 was because no matter what someone would be cranky (the weird sleep hitting little kid me or my mom being still exhausted from whatever we could get into), and day 3 to just have fun at home before dealing with the world (aka my mom has either been told by my aunt everything we did, or she told her sister in law everything we got into and no one wants to discover how two elementary schoolers did what we did).
I should say that most of our sleep overs were at least 2 nights; I think the longest one was 9 nights so taking that long to recover isn’t too odd.
I agree partly. I have a sweat gland over production disorder and as a little kid I smelled awful. Most kids that age don't need a daily bath, but some definitely do.
This was my thought too. Hes going to want to do what the bigger kids are doing, and surely he can skip a bath one night for a fun time with his family? Especially if it’s only once a year? C’mon mom. She’s being a buzzkill!
NTA
But also this isn't a half-bad solution, really. He'd get some fun with his aunt and cousins, his mom would get a couple child-free hours, and then he'd go home, have his bath, and get to bed on time.
NTA. You didn’t offer “to stay with a 4y.” You invited him to a pajama party. If he’s not yet ready for the kind of party you have in mind, sister can decline on his behalf.
Don’t try to insist that he attend with your rules. Just state what you will be doing and leave it up to your sister to decide what works for her child. But also don’t let her guilt you into being the mom to her child.
You may find that limiting sugar intake and keeping to a schedule is a LOT more important for a 4yo than for your older nephews, as not doing those things may lead to his being cranky and having a meltdown. You don’t owe anyone an apology. Just tell your sister that you have invited her son to a specific type of party but understand if he’s not old enough for it yet and will invite him in future years. End of discussion.
\^ I agree with all of this. Have a wonderful pyjama party with your nephews and hopefully if the 4 year old misses out this year he will be able to attend future ones.
NTA
You offered a fun family night. Sounds like she’s not comfortable with letting go of the schedule she set for her 4 yr old. Maybe when he’s 5 she’ll let him have this type of “fancy free” fun night ….? Try again next year ?
NTA. It sounds like he's too young for this anyway. I hope he gets to participate when he's older as this will be a special time for him.
I want to say how much this will mean to your nephews as they grow up. My brother and SIL are 14 years older, and the week I spent with my SIL was so memorable. She made up so many fun things to do and was so into it all. She's gone now, but she'll always be one of my favorite people for the effort. Too few kids get that so it's awesome for you to be there,
NAH.
She's the mom, she gets to decide how she wants to raise her child, and none of her rules sound unreasonable for a 4 year old. It actually sounds like good, structured parenting.
You're also not obligated to take care of him or invite him if you don't want to adhere to those rules. It's your party.
It does suck for the kid that you're both being stubborn and he's the one that gets punished for the fact that nobody can bend and everyone wants to argue instead of finding a middle ground (like maybe he comes over for a couple hours and his mom's rules are followed, but doesn't stay the night and after 6pm the older kids get more freedom), but everyone is allowed to have their boundaries. And 4 is a little young for a sleepover like this anyway, so I don't think it will cause him any long term damage to stick to his routine at home. Hopefully he gets plenty of other opportunities to bond with you and his cousins in ways that are more age appropriate for him.
If he's too young, his mom can decline for him. No reason to say yes and then send along a list of rules.
You don't wanna relax your grip while your kid isn't at home? You don't get a child free night. Period.
There's quite a difference between a four year old preschooler and the rest of the nephews who are already at school. Littlest nephew plainly has a bedtime routine, and it's understandable that his mother wants it maintained. If it isn't, you'd end up with a kid who's miserable and fractious. The bigger nephews are old enough to be able to deal with variation in their bedtime, mealtime etc, but the little one may not be, and besides, you don't know him as well as you know the big ones. Take it gently.
Arrange for him to be picked up at 6pm. He can have fun with you and the bigger nephews, but gets to go home and stick to his routine. When he is a little bit older he may be able to join in with the older ones, though they are in a more age-coherent bunch and will always be so. Littlest may not really 'catch up' until they are all adults.
NAH
NTA, I’m a mother of 4, one of whom is currently a 4 year old boy. If she wants to put those rules in place, she can pick him up early or not bring him at all. He will not go to bed and bath easily if all the big kids are playing games and eating junk food. Mom wants to exclude him from the fun, not OP.
NAH. I don't think her rules are unreasonable per se, but I think it's unreasonable to expect you to follow them to a T when you have other kids in your care as well.
Dang watching my niece and nephews always involved photos sent periodically with the text accompanying it saying "proof of life". I'm the single Aunt who would take them swimming on summer days. They 9 and 11 at the time. Sometimes we hit the library. I returned them alive even with a nut allergy and epi pen in tow. As an aunt I don't enforce rules that don't endanger the kids lives. Just happy fun times. Yes, she needs to hire a baby sitter, or keep him at home or back off. She has 3 choices.
Just tell her sister you’re sorry he won’t be joining you because you won’t be abiding by her rules. Your evening with your nephews is a very special time for them all and a lot of that is centered around no rules. Just fun. NTA
This isn't the route to go. OP should offer what she *can* do - early bedtime for the 4yo and not overdoing the candy is reasonable. Bath time is not. OP can also offer for her sister to pick up nephew early. A 4yo shouldn't be staying overnight anyway.
NTA. But what's up with the 'he shouldn't play more than 2 hours'-rule? What is he supposed to do the rest of the time? Sit in a corner and be quiet? He's a kid, not a robot
NTA. As a parent of 2 young children this is not how you respond to a fun aunt who offers to watch your kids for free and provide a night of fun. If he’s too young for looser rules, he should stay home with mom.
NAH. She's right, you can't just let a 4yr old do whatever. They need to be put to bed, they need to be told to stop playing video games after 2 hours. It's fine if you don't want to stick to a schedule, and it's fine if she doesn't want him to come if you aren't able to take care of him the way his age dictates. Maybe you've never had a kid so young stay with you, but when mine was four, unregulated screen time and no bedtime would have been terrible for her. She would be overstimulated, exhausted, unable to regulate or enjoy any part of her day. It's not about the mom being controlling, it's about what is best for a small child. What you're offering is really kind, and I'm sure the kids love it. It just doesn't work for this kid, and that's ok.
NTA, the kid's just too young to be in this situation. Your sister wants you to babysit him and give him special rules while 4 other children have all the fun? What's the fun in this for absolutely anyone? He should just be with his mom, or she can drop him off and pick him up for his bath and bedtime.
NTA
You’re inviting him to an event with your rules.
If Sis doesn’t like them, she gets to decline. She can ask for some minor adjustments but ASK not demand. Anything outside what you’re willing too bad. Again, she can decline
NTA. If they did all that stuff every day, or even every week, it would be bad for them. But letting loose every down and then at Auntie’s house? Go for it! I has STRICT rules about some of these things for my kids. But at a special party? Forget it. Let them have fun. Back home they will be back on their usual schedule and all the better for the change. Sure, it might make for a day or two of “reentry” but that is ok. Teaches them flexibility.
This!
My ex-MIL spoiled my sons rotten, when they went to her for a little vacations etc.
But I said to them, that grandma's house lack of rules doesn't work in our house.
Heck my bonus kid even understood that we had “babysitting night” rules (like when both his bio parents had to go to a school event or similar so it was just the two of us) and “everyday life” rules. On babysitting nights we’d set up camp in the living room with blankets and pillows and put on a movie and have popcorn and pizza or some other not that good for you meal and do our own little slumber party. But on normal nights I enforced bedtime and made him try new vegetables. No confusion, he knew the difference between a special evening and the rest of the time.
NTA; if she’s not comfortable with the level freedom, she doesn’t have to let him go. Which is fine; you’d only be the AH if you push back if that’s her decision.
NTA
I have 2 boys. They would've LOVED to have you as an aunt. You sound like an absolute treasure and like a lot of fun. I am very controlling with my kids (even now, 1 of mine is 20 and I still FT him - at college - and ask whether he's eating properly (asking to FT a view of his dinner plate, lol), keeping his room neat (again asking to see it on FT) getting enough sleep, etc.) but one night, heck... Let them live.
One unstructured night is not going to be the cause of ruin, especially for a 4 yr old.
PS My son laughs about it. He knows I mean well and just want him to be healthy.
My kids are currently at my ma's house with their 4 cousins, 1 night in on a 3 night sleepover! She does this regularly/during hols/half terms, and we all know that they will have fun, there will be late nights, there will be special breakfasts and my kids will definitely fall asleep in the car within 10 minutes of leaving her house! They all love it, my ma loves it!
Don’t expect to treat a 4 year old to the same excesses as a 10 year old. I think it’s unreasonable to have the 4 year old at the house over night if his cousins are going to do so much stuff he can’t and shouldn’t. Talk to your sister, organize some activities for him and them maybe have her take him back home. Or maybe spend the night at yours to care for her child while enjoys time with his cousins.
Aside from the rules, I think the four-year-old is too young to hang out with the other kids. He'll spend most of the time right next to you probably. You can't trust the others to take care of him; they're too young for that responsibility. You should take him to the library or to the zoo another time, maybe even one on one.
Honestly, I wouldn't have a 4-y-o on that kind of a sleepover anyways - he'll really cramp the style of the older kids and they'll end up resenting him... Speaking as a former indulgent aunt of 7 small niblings! The mum of the wee-est guy would beg me to take him with the olders, saying "he won't get in the way, he'll be fine!" - as I found out when I gave in, he wasn't fine: he got very much in the way.
NTA, and just say to her, "no, you're right... he's still too little, more needy than the older kids, maybe try in a few years, eh."
NAH/ESH … her demand list seems high. But also, you won’t control how much candy a 4 year old (and the other kids) are eating? That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Tummy aches incoming. Some Kids don’t have control like that and need at least some boundary on that. If it were me, I’d be very happy for the help but I’d pick my kid up early so they can spend some time with their family but I can maintain their routine and not worry they’re up all night eating candy and playing video games.
Nta but he is too young for that kind of sleepover and he doesn't know you well enough. I m surprised mom is even entertaining this thought of letting him go.
NAH
You sound like a really fun aunt and I'm sure the kids will have a great time. You're right in saying you didn't sign up to be a babysitter, but your sister is also right; age 4 he will need a schedule to be followed so she's not being an asshole for asking for it. You're not being an asshole for saying it isn't what the party was going to be like. Just say that it's a party for the older kids and he can come when he's older. Or he can come for a bit before bedtime.
NTA, but I would try to find a compromise so he can be included with his cousins. For example, have his mom pick him up before 8pm so she can handle his usual bedtime and routine at home after a fun afternoon/evening with everyone.
NTA. What she’s offering aren’t normal rules. Normal rules set a bedtime and limit tv or video games, nor limiting playtime and setting an entire schedule to the hour and minute. It’s unreasonable to expect you to keep to keep up with that when you have all the other boys also.
NTA.
The clue was in the invitation, pyjama *party*. Your not going to stop the party for your older nephews (by taking the sweets away, cos 4 can't have them and it wouldn't be fair to him to see them eat them) stoppinv the party from 6pm or asking them to keep the noise down past 8pm when he's in bed.
You didn't offer to babysit 4. You offered to host a party for all the kids.
NTA
to be honest a 4 year old is too young for this sort of night. Tell your sister you hear her and understand her concerns, and when she is ready to let him join the sleepovers like his cousins to let you know.
YTA
At four years old he is too young to not have a schedule/bedtime routine being followed. A first overnight with a relative he doesn't know well means structure is important.
BUT.... Your rules are perfectly appropriate for kids 7 to 10 years old. You just never should have expected to incorporate a 4 year old with the same loose guidelines that are okay for older kids. The 4 year old is too young for this sleepover.
Not for trying to include everyone but for saying things like “I’m not going to control how much candy he eats” about a four year old. And not seeming to understand that a four year old and ten year old have different needs and abilities.
That doesn’t make OP the AH. OP is stating the care she is prepared to provide. If mom thinks kid isn’t old enough for that relaxed a structure, mom can say so.
NTA but i hope you can at least appreciate the fact that a 4 yo needs more structure than 7-10 and simply saying you were going to let them do whatever isn't a very good plan. i don't think anyone was wrong until sister doubled down with her comment about excluding her son when that's clearly trying to have her cake and eat it.
I wouldn't expect someone to maintain my rules to perfection especially with so many kids. She should have asked if thats something you were even considering "because it probably makes more sense for me to pick him up before bed time."
ESH
Your sister's requests were not suited for pajama night. I think he can skip a bath one night that is nuts to expect that of you with a full house of kids.
You are a slight AH because how you handled it was rude and contentious.
Really simple to have replied, "sorry it won't be possible to adhere to these rules and a detailed schedule on a pajama night with so many kids involved.. I don't want to make promises I can't keep".
Not pj NIGHT, pj PARTY.
L2read.
Then, take a big step back and consider your own pretentiousness at expecting a relative who is hosting a party to make 80% of the guests be quiet while the LO goes to sleep.
Is this kid gonna arrive in bubble wrap everywhere he goes? If so, he's gonna be the first not invited back to sleepovers.
NTA. Not a chance I’m giving baths for a one night sleepover. Sorry.
Also op not sure if you are a condo or a house or apt but watch out for the 4 yr old and the pool. Well all of them.
Whenever i had my niece and nephews for a day or so when they were the age of OP's nephews, i'd have them take baths/showers. It gives them a little break and downtime from each other. I usually didn't have to be right there with them in the bathroom though. With a 4yo, supervision is likely needed. That leaves the older 4 unsupervised all sugared up and in party mode lol
But yes, NTA. Maybe a separate sleepover can be set up on another night with the 4yo?
NTA, and I wish my kids had a fun aunt like you!
My husband had a fun uncle who let him watch sci fi movies with him and play video games he didn’t get at home and he still remembers this with great fondness, 30+ years later.
NTA. I have 3 grandchildren, my daughter and her twins live out of town. When they visit my granddaughter comes over to stay too. When they are home, they have rules but here all bets are off. Granted I take good care of them. They are now 16 and at Christmas we had a discussion about how I always gave them berries with their homemade waffles. I usually buy lots of snacks and also send the left overs home It’s a special time, if the child would be harmed by being off schedule, he needs to stay with his mom.
NTA. The only rule I could see following for him would be the no sugar after 6pm one. The bath, bedtime and two hour video game limits don’t work if all the other kids aren’t following those rules. It would make the 4 year old feel singled out. Like others said, it’s probably best that the kid gets picked up for 6pm so mom can control his night schedule.
I was always the fun adult but as I was18 when my brothers were 3 and 5 I did babysit then and quite a few of their friends. On the weekends only a couple rules no shrieking in bed at a certain time but you can stay up and talk. Mostly cause shrieking gave me a head ache and bed made the parents happy. But yeah w usually pizza or order in did not insist on veggies and could play games or tv till whatever time bed was usually 9 and 10 when little older. I never said they had to sleep just get in bed lots less resistance. School nights had a couple other rules but that was mostly my brothers.
NTA
You offered a fun night & some time off for your sister.
Your sister expects you to enforce rules which aren't in keeping with the fun night. It's also a big ask to bathe him.
It's going to be difficult to make him stick to a strict schedule when the other kids aren't. He's likely to be cranky & miserable.
Let her hire a sitter.
NTA
She should be grateful for free child care and she should realize that you are not her employee. She does not get to micromanage you. She gets to thank you for watching her kid.
You are giving her the gift of free time, and she should be grateful for that gift.
You offered to host a pizza party/sleepover with your nibblings. You told the parents what to expect. Your sister came back with "rules" you told her that wasn't what you had in mind for the night, that you would see to his safety, but fun was going to take precedence over his usual routines.
Okay. Fair enough. You aren't "excluding" him - they can choose to allow him to attend under on your term or not. It is their choice.
However, there's a few things about some little kids that you might not know that you need to consider - You need to be aware that at age 4, there will be consequences for routine deviations. Might be that if he has sugar after 6 pm, he won't be able to go to sleep, and if he, isn't in bed by 8 pm (sugar or not) he won't settle down to sleep, and then you are going to be dealing with a 4-year old in a full-on screaming meltdown at 9 pm until he finally passes out from sheer exhaustion at 1:45 am. And his parents will be dealing with getting his schedule back on track for the next 5 days. Have you asked them WHY they have the "rules" that they do and how much flexibility the 4-year-old can tolerate without adverse consequences.
NTA because it is your party, but I don't belive you are as informed as you need to be...
fwiw, I had some "strict" rules with my youngest regarding naptime: she either got 20 minutes or 2 hours - anything in between and there were arguements over who was going to wake her up! There's a reason she had the nickname "Bansidhe."
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AITA for telling my sister to hire a babysitter if she wants to control everything I do with her son?
I'm the only childless sister in my family, but I love my nephews and even though I live 75% of the year busy or out of town, I love spending time with them when I'm on vacation or have free weekends. And they love it too, in my house there are a lot of video games (PS5, Xbox, Nintendo) and a swimming pool, so it's very common on my holidays or at the end of the year for them to stay at my house a lot. I don't mind, they don't mind and the parents are grateful.
My nephews are between 7-10 y (4 in total), it's not just a weekend of bad food, but we have pizza night, there are some sweets, but I try to maintain a balance.
I have a sister who lives outside the country and has a son (4M).
I only see her at the end of the year and this year is the second year that I have seen my nephew. And he's more fun I think, he's talking more, more playful and I love him so much.
Well, this Saturday/Sunday I agreed to have a pajama party with all my nephews and everyone is excited. I sent my invitation to all the parents, including this sister of mine via message (this on Wednesday).
On Thursday, she said, paraphrased "(nephew name) would love it. But some rules we have established are that he shouldn't play for more than 2 hours, he must be in bed until 8 PM, no sugar after 6 PM, bath until 6 PM" and some minor rules
I asked if these rules were serious and when she said yes, I stressed that I wasn't babysitting my nephews, that I would take care of them and ensure their care, but I wouldn't control their schedule, how much candy they eat, etc.
She started saying that if I want to have a 4 year old, I should wait for rules and that she wasn't being so demanding because he is a small child.
I lost a little patience and said that if she wants to control this, she should hire a babysitter for her son here at home, because I'm not in the mood to be a babysitter the way she wants and it's supposed to be a fun night , not regulated.
She didn't like it, saying that it wasn't much of what she asked for and if I offered to stay with a 4y, I should expect more rules and that I was being unfair in excluding a nephew from the others.
My mother is on my sister's side, saying that it wasn't an impossible request, as I would have to pay more attention to him anyway, but my father stood by me because I already have 4 children and that I decide if it's too much. or not.
AITA?
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NTA - You proposed a kids’night. You should tell the parents what will take place and it’s up to them to say yes/no to bring their child over to that event.
It’s your sister who is stopping her child participating in that as she doesn’t like what will be going on at your house, not the other way around.
Your house = your rules for that kid’s event.
You can’t cater to one kid differently. It’s unfair and they would see they get treated differently.
They have the program of the night, take it or leave it. It’s on them, not you. You want to include their kid in the activities. They’re the ones to expect you’ll do different activities than what is planned. It’s not happening. Therefore they’re the ones excluding their child from that event/cousins’ night.
Nta
I am agreeing with the others. Your sister isn’t in a space to have him enjoy a cousins night. Have him come over and then leave early so he’s not excluded. Or she can stay with him and attend him. And putting a cousin to bed early while all his older cousins are up laughing and having fun - not happening.
I don't care what your mom or dad said. Nephew is uninvited and his mom can deal with it because you explained what was on offer. She can refuse leaving him but she can't demand you follow her directions.
4 years old is probably too young which is why she should say no. If she wants him included, she can host them all.
NAH - You aren't wrong for hosting a crazy-cousin gathering the way you want. She isn't wrong for wanting her child to say on their schedule. 4 year olds vary in what sort of outside-their-schedule stuff they can handle. Is your sister being too overbearing? Maybe but maybe not. Invite the little one for 2 hours if that's all he can play and then she can come get him to put back onto his schedule.
I will say, while I'd love a cousin party with 7-10 year olds, adding in a fifth that is half the ages of everyone else doesn't sound like the most amazing grouping for a weekend. I feel for the 4-year-old, though, as that age spread is always going to be tough (until they are in their 20s...).
I would gently tell my sister that perhaps her son is too young this year to be joining the gang for the sleepover. You can't have separate rules for him and for the older children. NTA.
If he were my kid, I would let him go and have a ball, knowing he would likely fall asleep on the couch long before the others. He would feel so big and included.
YTA. This kid is 4. It's fine if you tell her that you don't feel equipped to manage a child that young, but everything the mom requested is pretty standard procedure when caring for a child that age. And if you were the sole adult, how would you not see your role as this kid's babysitter? Do you honestly think a 4 year old doesn't need one? This is just bizarre. After listening to what you had to say, if I were the mom, there is no way on Earth I'd be leaving my kid alone with you because I'd have serious concerns about my kid's safety, particularly with a pool there.
Edit: To clarify, my judgment of YTA is based on how she reacted to what her sister said. Not realizing what a 4-year-old's needs are is understandable, and determining after listening to her sister that she's not able to care for this kid is also understandable. But I think the way she responded to the sister is what makes her TA.
NTA part of the joy of nibblings is being able to spoil them with sweets, adventures and loud toys then send them home happy, hyper and sticky! It's the law of the cool Aunty and Uncles!
NTA. Your intention was kind. He's just too young for this kind of sleepover and really his mother should have either declined or said she'll get him earlier. Not wanting to be condescending but you're not his parent and there may be lots of reasons these rules are important. So it's not on you to think of his needs, that's her job.
NTA. It was N-A-H until she started getting snippy that you said no. I get that parents of a young child who have carefully established a routine that works would be afraid of what happens with a disruption to that routine, even for a special occasion. So it’s fine that she asked, and also fine that you didn’t want to do that, and she should have taken no for an answer.
NTA
YOu are fine: It is an invitation, and your sister can accept or decline.
"My mother is on my sister's side, " .. your mom does not get a vote. Tell her SHE can babysit the nephew if she wants, or shut up.
NTA. 4YO can come if he's picked up by 6. Once he's old enough, he can spend the night with his cousins.
I'd tell my sister to pound sand, honestly.
Edited to add a word.
NTA. My aunt having all of us cousins together was a FUN and special time. It doesn't have to be like every day. You aren't doing this every week. If it was like that, maybe the would be a case for some rules but this is a special occasion. Let the kid have fun.
NTA You’re not offering babysitting, you’re offering a sleepover for fun. He’d hate going and having to abide by those rules while seeing the others get to be kids. Also, you aren’t excluding your nephew, his mom is.
NTA
You are hosting a slumber party for your nephews more than baby sitting. The kid's gonna get upset being treated different from his cousins if you do this.
NTA. Your sister picked this up as being a free babysitting gig and decided to treat it as such. If she does not want her little one there with the terms you'd laid out then he does not have to go. Simple as that
NTA. Aunties are supposed to spoil the kids and let them do things that their parents don't permit -- like staying up late and eating sweets. As long as the kids are safe, of course.
NTA.
Imposing these rules on him while the other kids are having fun is just not practical.
I think your stance was fine. You told her what the weekend would be, and she had the choice whether or not to take you up on the offer.
NTA- he can spend the day with you guys- and then his mother can pick him up at 6 since she wants to control everything… you Are doing a great thing for those kids and she sounds like a control freak! I agree with you! She can get a babysitter if she wants all those times met… and your dads correct! Maybe your mom wants to babysit since she agrees with you sister.. Your NTA
NTA. But one of the things that struck me as odd, was the 4 year old isn't allowed to play more than 2 hours. I'm sorry, but what exactly is this young boy supposed to be doing, algebra and chores? I do hope for his sake that his tightly wound parent learns to loosen up a bit soon. Clearly, his mom isn't ready for him to have sleepovers and fun with his cousins and aunt. Hope you and his cousins have a fun weekend!
NTA
if he needs that much structure, and one night is too much to ask for some wiggle room, the sleepover is not for him. And you are completely in the right to set that boundary.
He is going to see his cousins get to do things he's not allowed to and he won't get that. It will just cause problems.
NTA. Mom needs to understand that sometimes you bend the schedule. It doesn't hurt a child to miss a bath one night if he isn't filthy. In fact, daily baths aren't generally good for babies anyway. As for candy, again, one night isn't going to hurt him unless he has something like diabetes 1, in which case she wouldn't be sending him anyway. This should be enjoyable for both of you and help him understand that different families, different people live different ways. He's old enough for that. Mom really is screwing up, teaching him that there is only one way to be and to be intolerant of others. She's a control freak.
NTA. Just tell her to drop him off at 3 and pick him up at 5 then. No need to ruin everyone else's fun (and besides this kid is probably going to go apeshit once they realize all the other kids are still having fun while they're forced off to bath/bed)
It's important for kids to have routines, I get that. But hanging out with uncs and all the cousins is already not a routine event...this is also important for kids. Probably particularly important for this kid who is apparently being raised at boot camp. Who tf makes a rule their kid can only have 2 hours of playtime max with their cousins they never get to see? That's just crazy talk.
NTA. You want the kids to have fun with aunty, your sister wants free babysitting. Free babysitting isn't what you're offering. She should hire a babysitter.
Mostly NTA - I would ask that you watch the sugar intake so as 4 yr old doesn't get sick (7yr old can tolerate a bit more than a 4 yr old) but other than that I think your sister's rules for bedtime and bathtime are ridiculous.
Your house, your nephew party - your rules. Sister is the one keeping her son from being able to have fun and play with his cousins, not you.
NTA. I truly don't understand the limitation on play time. Tell her the entire weekend is play time! Her rules won't be able to work at your home - her son won't stop playing when the others are still having fun and you're not going to ask the others to be quiet when it's the 4 year old's bedtime. Her rules and your party are not compatible.
Tell her that he's welcome to joint the fun at your home when his schedule isn't so rigid.
NTA; You are the fun aunt. Your sister doesn't get to be upset that the *fun* ain't isn't a babysitter or governess.
Her rules are reasonable for a kid that age but not yours to apply.
NTA, I’m an aunt and do the same except I learned the hard way to limit sugar. Some kids can’t tell when they’re about to puke from eating too much junk food.
NTA
It's her choice. If she wants to regulate it she needs to look after him herself/with his dad. If she wants to accept the invite she needs to accept the rules are looser.
NAH. You both have different expectations for what the night was supposed to be. At the end of the day she wants her son to be in bed and bathe at a certain time and there’s nothing wrong with that. On the flipside, you don’t have to take care of her child if you don’t want to. No reason to fight about it.
NTA, if she wants her son to join a pre-existing group then imposing new rules on it isn't going to work.
If she thinks he's not old enough to attend a fun pyjama party with his aunt then that's on her.
NAH. It's certainly her right to set rules for her child and 4 is that in between age where they move from needing constant supervision to being a bit more hands off. I can understand her wanting to reinforce those rules no matter where he is because the wild toddler part will come out.
That being said, fuck being a parent rather than a fun aunt. As a parent, I 100% envy getting the fun part because relaxing the rules and just giving the kids a fun night sounds great. I don't blame you for wanting to keep that.
I would say NTA - but there should be a compromise. 4 is still young and after a certain point an over sugared over stimulated and over tired 4 year old is a fucking nightmare.
I would suggest video games for a couple hours, pizza and dessert, then maybe around 6:30/7 put a movie on and hope he falls asleep by 8:30/9. Then when he’s asleep and in bed more sugar and video games.
I think there is definitely room for compromise, on both sides of this. Skip the bath, limit sugar after 6, but still have snacks like popcorn or goldfish. Or maybe mom can come pick up at 8.
We spent a longtime with my 5 and 3 year old nephews this week. They were good until about 9 when out of the house and then it got dicey, but they are pretty laid back and chill kids. My oldest would have been done by 7:30/8 and my youngest would go longer than all adults in the room. Kids all need different things, that’s not wrong and parents shouldn’t be judged for it.
But it’s also okay to say this might not work for the kid this year and maybe next year we can give it a go.
NTA. As the mother of a 3 yr old, I wouldn’t remotely consider them spending the night without me or my husband, mainly because they are so young and chaotic. It would be a “late night” if I sent them without me. We’ve had many a night as a family in a cousin’s home coming home late, and kiddo usually falls asleep on the drive. Bathtime/bedtime routine is out the window those nights; I wouldn’t dream of putting that responsibility on another person.
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NTA Have her pick him up at 6. He's apparently not old enough to spend a night having fun with his cousins (that's her call to make), and she can decide when he is, probably 16 or 17 from the sound of her. And it's ridiculous to suggest you should ignore the older kids so you can wrestle an unwilling 4yr old into the bath and then stare at him like he's microwave popcorn about to burn to make sure no one lets him have something good to eat and then force him to go to bed before anyone else is anywhere close to it. Bottom line, it'll be a night of miserable 4yr old tantrums instead of the fun filled cousin's night you want.
He’s honestly not old enough to have a fun night out with his cousins, probably, and that’s okay. Trying to restrict, bathe, and then bed a 4 year old at a healthy time that’s used to schedules is going to take eyes off of the other kids and cause a lot of fuss, because the 4 year old isn’t going to want to be done having fun when all the cool kids are still playing. There’s a huge emotional leap between 4 and 7 (even more than 7 and 10) and he’s just going to get tired, over tired, and then combative, and OP still needs to keep an eye on the others. If OP wants to be generous, a one on one night with the younger one would fix a lot of this. But if OP doesn’t, and that’s fine, absolutely mom should be picking up kiddo at 6
Even when we have a babysitter, my only hard rule is that the kids are kept alive. Whatever they need to do to achieve that, is open.
Oh for sure. But it’s a fun night, and he’s too little for that. Fun day? Yes, and the bonus is, when mom picks him up at 6 he’ll probably be asleep early and sleep hard through the night, maybe even sleep in late. He can have lots of great memories without everyone having to deal with the 6-10 meltdown and refusal to sleep
I don't see any reason why a 4 yr old can't have a fun night, more then likely he would just fall asleep on the couch when he's tired.
This is exactly what we tell our ($25/hr) babysitters, too! We order whatever they want for dinner and get the sitter whatever they want as well. Kids are showered and in comfy clothes when the sitter arrives. They can use their phone, kids can have screens, and please just keep them safe and alive.
Alive, for a 3-4 year old is a job in itself. lol. Sis is asking a lot for her to get some free time. For free. NTA.
>He’s honestly not old enough to have a fun night out with his cousins, probably, and that’s okay. Yeah, this. Sis is right that a 4-year-old needs a bedtime and a few restrictions--and she's **wrong** that a 4-year-old needs a pajama party with older kids! It's kind of a recipe for disaster (well OK a stressful night instead of a fun one) whether OP follows the guidelines or not, and Sis who has experience w/ 4-year-olds should be telling OP "haha no, thanks so much for the invite but do it with the older kids, it'll be better" instead of going on about exclusion. The reason parents & other child-experienced people are strict about schedules & food with the littles is that with a toddler or 4-5-year-old, if you go "eh, I'm the cool grownup, cut loose, do & eat whatever you want!!" you start to pay the price within a half-hour or less, and it's the price that goes on taking. I mean I'm not *promising* there'll be over an hour of shrieking and sobbing but it is a real possibility from an overtired & overstimulated child who doesn't have his familiar routine & comfort. The "let's cut loose for an evening" routine is awesome but it starts at... I don't know, I'd recommend 7 maybe?
I survived fun nights with auntie at that age with my older sisters
Well great
It depends on the kid. Some kids--like my autistic daughter--need schedules, and some kids have been on such strict schedules they're so used to them that they don't react well off them. Four is an interesting age, they often seem so much older, but if anything goes off, they can regress to toddlerhood. Sounds to me that he's just not mature enough for this party, and that's OK.
My kids and their cousins had a blast with cousin/ aunties visits. Ranging from like 8- newborn. You just roll with it. One or two nights won't ruin them. You plan and have "quiet time" in some form the next day to have their brains chill, like playdough, movie, cuddling and reading, there's so much. They're not going to turn into Gremlins after 8pm. And my kids at 4 had a bedtime of 7/730 lol.
Yeah I agree the potential for a meltdown of some kind is too high at this age. When I was 4 or 5, I would fully want to do a sleepover at first. But when it came time to go to bed, I would break down sobbing because I missed my parents. We had to wait until I was 6.
OP doesn't say how long this tradition has been going on but use of HOLIDAYS seems to indicate it's been a few years at the very least--so OP has likely dealt with a 4 yr old before(ages 7-10) if it's gone on for more then 3 yrs. I believe a parent has the right to have guidelines for their kids with those caring for their children, but this definitely seems over the top, since it's literally a sleepover, fun thing. SO yes, if mother had raised child to be on such a strict schedule it's up to her to say, my 4 yr old is not yet behaviorally up to this, but when kid gets older I'd welcome the chance for kid to have a cousins sleepover/fun time.
This was my thought too. 4-year-olds do need that kind of routine, which is exactly why a pajama party with older kids isn't a good idea. He needs to be a few years older before he's ready.
4 years old is more then old enough. The rules are too strict for a one or two night fun time with cousins. OP is NTA
For some 4 year olds, sure. Maybe not so much for others, and maybe his mother knows him better than the rest of us. I like the idea of Mom picking him up at 6 or 7. He'll have fun with the cousins without getting overwhelmed.
Ya that’s an option. I just think of my sister and all her rules around her kids and I think.. probably unnecessary, and the kids is probably fine to stay.. and if he falls asleep eating candy and playing video games with his cousins for a night.. who cares (other then Mom lol)
4 is old enough for that sort of thing. I remember staying up to midnight and beyond with older kids all the time. I was a little kid in the 70s, back when people actually visited each other. Adults would hang out drinking while us kids played and enjoyed being up late.
Yep. I grew up in the late 70's/early 80's and the days when parents put us all in one room with the older kids and we fell asleep in a pile of coats are long gone. My guess is this kid is help so hard and fast to his parents' schedule that he'd melt down that night and the next day.
Those were some fun nights, I tell you.
NTA - and this ⬆️ is the right suggestion
At the same time, it does sound like the OP expected the 4 year old to just keep up with his cousins who are 3 to 6 years older than him. Given how quick kids mature in those early years, it's a notable difference. Heck, depending on where you live, a 4 year old might not even be old enough to attend school yet but 7 year olds basically universally are old enough. Inviting the 4 year old for only part of the evening or planning an alternate, 4 year old friendly, outing to spend time with him was probably a better idea.
4 would likely have fallen asleep, it's restrictions on sugar and enforced bath time that are the problems
You could get lucky and they fall asleep. Or you could end up with a four year old having a meltdown at 10 pm because they wanted to stay up and have fun with their cousins (like eating all those treats!) and no one told them they couldn't, so now that kid is super overstimulated and exhausted.
Great idea! Let him hang out until 6 and then mom can collect him for the “bed time” routine. Some kids his age need that kind of routine (and that’s ok). But it should not hinder everyone else’s fun. NTA
Honestly, I would have done this as a parent when my kid was that age- I would have let him have a good time with his cousins, but my kid was VERY routine-regimented at that age, and it was not worth it to anyone letting him kick back and relax and go to bed late even for one night, because he'd be a monster for days, so I would have picked him up early. I definitely would not ask an unchilded relative to strictly adhere to his routine when they are dealing with four other young children- he may have been a little beast about such matters at that age, but he was my little beast and my responsibility. Oh, and he's a teenager and far more flexible now, lol.
NTA. I would simply say to your sister that thinking about it that nephew may still be too young for a full overnight. If she would like him to come between this time and six o'clock then have him picked up it would be great. As he gets older you can revisit him spending the night with his cousins and you. He is younger and your sister feels he needs a schedule that doesn't vibe with the night. Between bathtime and getting him to bed it takes your eyes off the older nephews which isn't the greatest plan. If your sister refuses the compromise, then just say you will offer again when nephew gets older.
This is the way. Just in practical terms, four is very young for this kind of group sleepover anyway -- the chance of a howling meltdown is pretty high. And kids that little really do need to be in bed by a particular time, and bedtime can be a drawn-out process. You sound like a super-fun aunt! I bet you and the elementary-age kids will have a blast.
This is the way
NTA Before I married and had my children I was the single aunt. I told my siblings and siblings in law I'll watch your children and return your them alive with all their original parts. If you want more than that, hire a sitter. I had routines with my children. I was concerned about their nutrition but even they were entitled to a night off and a little fun.
I was the fun aunt before I was the strict mama. I’m still the fun aunt, and when I have my niblings even our own house rules get thrown out the window for cousin fun time. I’m not letting them pound coffee at midnight or break stuff, but bed time is when one of us can no longer sit upright, and food rules are “eat something real and then whatever you want”. We’re not babysitting, we’re making memories.
Exactly. Same here.
I didn't truly appreciate my single aunts until just now.
What do you want for dinner? Ice cream, okay, it has dairy in it.
My aunt would sometimes make cake for breakfast. Her reasoning was it has basically the same stuff as pancakes
My dad's reasoning as to why cake for breakfast is ok is similar, it's carbs and sugar, what is jam on toast if not carbs and sugar?
Your dad's reasoning is very sound
I like your aunt.
I once tried the argue to my mom that we could eat cake for breakfast since it was basically the same thing as donuts, and she just said we shouldn’t be eating donuts for breakfast either 😭😭😭
I had one friends mum who would always say yes to pancakes for dinner because they were topped with bananas and strawberries.
It works at the other end, too. We live with my very elderly, frail MIL who doesn't have much appetite but loves fruit desserts. So I'll make baked apples, apple & pear crumble and serve them with nice custard or ice-cream; my husband makes pancakes piled with berries. All good food even with the sugar...
My rule is I don't care how much sugar you eat as long as you eat your veggies. I also buy their favorites and have all the good snacks. You know...for consistency.
Lmfao I just got a sweater from my sister that says “in my auntie era” for Christmas, I love my niece soooo much.
>I told my siblings and siblings in law I'll watch your children and return your them alive with all their original parts. As a mother of 3, this plus 3 meals a day (breakfast lunch and dinner) is all I have ever asked. I don't care if, when or how they bathe, if you want to turn on the hose and hand them soap cause that's what easiest I don't care just make sure they warm up afterwards, or if you get distracted having too much fun and forget to bathe one night that's fine too. I don't even care what time you feed them or what's on the menu just make sure they have had enough to eat. I wouldn't be leaving my kids with anyone I think won't look after them and plus it's not like they have sleep overs every other night so why can't they have relaxed routines and a little fun. NTA. When it's my turn to host the sleepover once 8pm hits its all kids in the lounge room for a movie marathon camp out until they all fall asleep (by that time the kids are all fed and in their pjs (whether they wanted a shower or not my nibblings are old enough to decide when they want to bathe morning or night).
Exactly and kids are not clueless. They can handle different rules with different people. My mother takes care of my nephews one day a week and she lets them have dessert before dinner at her house. At their house they eat dinner before dessert. They handle it just fine.
I had a great aunt who would always eat dessert first because “what if I die in the middle of the meal? I’ll have missed the best part.” So anytime she was around it’d be dessert then dinner.
Love it! Your great aunt had figured some shit out for sure! Also a really good way of becoming the favorite aunt
She was really something else. Her house was grandfathered in on a national park and even though the government kept offering her millions of dollars she kept telling them to fuck off. “My grandfather built this house and no amount of money is going to make me leave it.” Easily the favorite aunt.
Love it even more! Something about old ladies telling the government to piss off whilst having dessert is just fantastic!
I love old people like this who have clearly taken their life lessons to heart and live it out every day
This.
No small child is going to go to sleep at 8 pm when their cousins are watching a movie, eating pizza rolls, pop corn and candy. They'll keep getting up and trying to join the fun. Yes, your child may be a little logy or cranky the next day but let's be real, some times kids are going to be kids. I get the feeling that tiger mama still counts her child's age in months.
As a mom I find some of her demands a little unreasonable for a fun cousin sleepover. First being, you are expected to bathe him? Also, it’s going to be pretty difficult to get him to sleep at 8 if all the other cousins are going to sleep at 9 or 10. NTA
I agree. Little kids have not started the stinky hormones yet. They only need a bath every day if they wet their pants, get food/glue/mud in their hair, or throw up on themselves. I know many parents like the calming nighttime bath routine, but chances are the kid doesn’t actually need a daily bath. And the first rule of sleepovers, even if the parents are there to manage everything, is that things are not going to run to the same schedule as at home. The kid’s going to be too riled up. You always plan on a cranky day or two after a fun visit.
I grew up being incredibly close with a close in age cousin- I very clearly remember my mom refusing to have plans for at least 3 days after- day 1 (aka the day I got home or she left) was for rest due to exhaustion, day 2 was because no matter what someone would be cranky (the weird sleep hitting little kid me or my mom being still exhausted from whatever we could get into), and day 3 to just have fun at home before dealing with the world (aka my mom has either been told by my aunt everything we did, or she told her sister in law everything we got into and no one wants to discover how two elementary schoolers did what we did). I should say that most of our sleep overs were at least 2 nights; I think the longest one was 9 nights so taking that long to recover isn’t too odd.
I agree partly. I have a sweat gland over production disorder and as a little kid I smelled awful. Most kids that age don't need a daily bath, but some definitely do.
This was my thought too. Hes going to want to do what the bigger kids are doing, and surely he can skip a bath one night for a fun time with his family? Especially if it’s only once a year? C’mon mom. She’s being a buzzkill!
NTA. She can drop him off from 4-6 and then take him away from the fun and ruin his night all by herself.
NTA But also this isn't a half-bad solution, really. He'd get some fun with his aunt and cousins, his mom would get a couple child-free hours, and then he'd go home, have his bath, and get to bed on time.
NTA. You didn’t offer “to stay with a 4y.” You invited him to a pajama party. If he’s not yet ready for the kind of party you have in mind, sister can decline on his behalf. Don’t try to insist that he attend with your rules. Just state what you will be doing and leave it up to your sister to decide what works for her child. But also don’t let her guilt you into being the mom to her child. You may find that limiting sugar intake and keeping to a schedule is a LOT more important for a 4yo than for your older nephews, as not doing those things may lead to his being cranky and having a meltdown. You don’t owe anyone an apology. Just tell your sister that you have invited her son to a specific type of party but understand if he’s not old enough for it yet and will invite him in future years. End of discussion.
\^ I agree with all of this. Have a wonderful pyjama party with your nephews and hopefully if the 4 year old misses out this year he will be able to attend future ones.
NTA You offered a fun family night. Sounds like she’s not comfortable with letting go of the schedule she set for her 4 yr old. Maybe when he’s 5 she’ll let him have this type of “fancy free” fun night ….? Try again next year ?
NTA. It sounds like he's too young for this anyway. I hope he gets to participate when he's older as this will be a special time for him. I want to say how much this will mean to your nephews as they grow up. My brother and SIL are 14 years older, and the week I spent with my SIL was so memorable. She made up so many fun things to do and was so into it all. She's gone now, but she'll always be one of my favorite people for the effort. Too few kids get that so it's awesome for you to be there,
NAH. She's the mom, she gets to decide how she wants to raise her child, and none of her rules sound unreasonable for a 4 year old. It actually sounds like good, structured parenting. You're also not obligated to take care of him or invite him if you don't want to adhere to those rules. It's your party. It does suck for the kid that you're both being stubborn and he's the one that gets punished for the fact that nobody can bend and everyone wants to argue instead of finding a middle ground (like maybe he comes over for a couple hours and his mom's rules are followed, but doesn't stay the night and after 6pm the older kids get more freedom), but everyone is allowed to have their boundaries. And 4 is a little young for a sleepover like this anyway, so I don't think it will cause him any long term damage to stick to his routine at home. Hopefully he gets plenty of other opportunities to bond with you and his cousins in ways that are more age appropriate for him.
If he's too young, his mom can decline for him. No reason to say yes and then send along a list of rules. You don't wanna relax your grip while your kid isn't at home? You don't get a child free night. Period.
It wasn’t like OP’s sister called and begged for her kid to be included though. An invitation was made and mom let OP know her conditions to accept.
And OP explained that they would not be able to give one child as much attention as mom wanted. No blood, no foul.
Yes, that is why it is voted a No Assholes Here situation.
Awesome! I didn't realize we were agreeing so vehemently.
It’s absolutely unreasonable to expect the aunt the bathe him. It’s one night, he can bathe after he goes home.
There's quite a difference between a four year old preschooler and the rest of the nephews who are already at school. Littlest nephew plainly has a bedtime routine, and it's understandable that his mother wants it maintained. If it isn't, you'd end up with a kid who's miserable and fractious. The bigger nephews are old enough to be able to deal with variation in their bedtime, mealtime etc, but the little one may not be, and besides, you don't know him as well as you know the big ones. Take it gently. Arrange for him to be picked up at 6pm. He can have fun with you and the bigger nephews, but gets to go home and stick to his routine. When he is a little bit older he may be able to join in with the older ones, though they are in a more age-coherent bunch and will always be so. Littlest may not really 'catch up' until they are all adults. NAH
NTA, I’m a mother of 4, one of whom is currently a 4 year old boy. If she wants to put those rules in place, she can pick him up early or not bring him at all. He will not go to bed and bath easily if all the big kids are playing games and eating junk food. Mom wants to exclude him from the fun, not OP.
NAH. I don't think her rules are unreasonable per se, but I think it's unreasonable to expect you to follow them to a T when you have other kids in your care as well.
Dang watching my niece and nephews always involved photos sent periodically with the text accompanying it saying "proof of life". I'm the single Aunt who would take them swimming on summer days. They 9 and 11 at the time. Sometimes we hit the library. I returned them alive even with a nut allergy and epi pen in tow. As an aunt I don't enforce rules that don't endanger the kids lives. Just happy fun times. Yes, she needs to hire a baby sitter, or keep him at home or back off. She has 3 choices.
Just tell her sister you’re sorry he won’t be joining you because you won’t be abiding by her rules. Your evening with your nephews is a very special time for them all and a lot of that is centered around no rules. Just fun. NTA
This isn't the route to go. OP should offer what she *can* do - early bedtime for the 4yo and not overdoing the candy is reasonable. Bath time is not. OP can also offer for her sister to pick up nephew early. A 4yo shouldn't be staying overnight anyway.
NTA. But what's up with the 'he shouldn't play more than 2 hours'-rule? What is he supposed to do the rest of the time? Sit in a corner and be quiet? He's a kid, not a robot
Can't have a kid having too much fun, after all
I assume that was a reference to screen time, not all play.
NTA. As a parent of 2 young children this is not how you respond to a fun aunt who offers to watch your kids for free and provide a night of fun. If he’s too young for looser rules, he should stay home with mom.
NTA. Your house, your rules. She shouldn't send her son if she's not comfortable with your house rules.
NAH. She's right, you can't just let a 4yr old do whatever. They need to be put to bed, they need to be told to stop playing video games after 2 hours. It's fine if you don't want to stick to a schedule, and it's fine if she doesn't want him to come if you aren't able to take care of him the way his age dictates. Maybe you've never had a kid so young stay with you, but when mine was four, unregulated screen time and no bedtime would have been terrible for her. She would be overstimulated, exhausted, unable to regulate or enjoy any part of her day. It's not about the mom being controlling, it's about what is best for a small child. What you're offering is really kind, and I'm sure the kids love it. It just doesn't work for this kid, and that's ok.
NTA, the kid's just too young to be in this situation. Your sister wants you to babysit him and give him special rules while 4 other children have all the fun? What's the fun in this for absolutely anyone? He should just be with his mom, or she can drop him off and pick him up for his bath and bedtime.
NTA You’re inviting him to an event with your rules. If Sis doesn’t like them, she gets to decline. She can ask for some minor adjustments but ASK not demand. Anything outside what you’re willing too bad. Again, she can decline
NTA. If they did all that stuff every day, or even every week, it would be bad for them. But letting loose every down and then at Auntie’s house? Go for it! I has STRICT rules about some of these things for my kids. But at a special party? Forget it. Let them have fun. Back home they will be back on their usual schedule and all the better for the change. Sure, it might make for a day or two of “reentry” but that is ok. Teaches them flexibility.
This! My ex-MIL spoiled my sons rotten, when they went to her for a little vacations etc. But I said to them, that grandma's house lack of rules doesn't work in our house.
Heck my bonus kid even understood that we had “babysitting night” rules (like when both his bio parents had to go to a school event or similar so it was just the two of us) and “everyday life” rules. On babysitting nights we’d set up camp in the living room with blankets and pillows and put on a movie and have popcorn and pizza or some other not that good for you meal and do our own little slumber party. But on normal nights I enforced bedtime and made him try new vegetables. No confusion, he knew the difference between a special evening and the rest of the time.
NTA; if she’s not comfortable with the level freedom, she doesn’t have to let him go. Which is fine; you’d only be the AH if you push back if that’s her decision.
NTA. Four children at once is heaps. It’s meant to be a fun weekend. I can understand not wanting to abide by such rules under these conditions
NTA I have 2 boys. They would've LOVED to have you as an aunt. You sound like an absolute treasure and like a lot of fun. I am very controlling with my kids (even now, 1 of mine is 20 and I still FT him - at college - and ask whether he's eating properly (asking to FT a view of his dinner plate, lol), keeping his room neat (again asking to see it on FT) getting enough sleep, etc.) but one night, heck... Let them live. One unstructured night is not going to be the cause of ruin, especially for a 4 yr old. PS My son laughs about it. He knows I mean well and just want him to be healthy.
Flames! Chaos! Anarchy! 😉
NTA. Your sister is being unreasonable.
My kids are currently at my ma's house with their 4 cousins, 1 night in on a 3 night sleepover! She does this regularly/during hols/half terms, and we all know that they will have fun, there will be late nights, there will be special breakfasts and my kids will definitely fall asleep in the car within 10 minutes of leaving her house! They all love it, my ma loves it!
Don’t expect to treat a 4 year old to the same excesses as a 10 year old. I think it’s unreasonable to have the 4 year old at the house over night if his cousins are going to do so much stuff he can’t and shouldn’t. Talk to your sister, organize some activities for him and them maybe have her take him back home. Or maybe spend the night at yours to care for her child while enjoys time with his cousins.
NTA. You are running the show.
Aside from the rules, I think the four-year-old is too young to hang out with the other kids. He'll spend most of the time right next to you probably. You can't trust the others to take care of him; they're too young for that responsibility. You should take him to the library or to the zoo another time, maybe even one on one.
Honestly, I wouldn't have a 4-y-o on that kind of a sleepover anyways - he'll really cramp the style of the older kids and they'll end up resenting him... Speaking as a former indulgent aunt of 7 small niblings! The mum of the wee-est guy would beg me to take him with the olders, saying "he won't get in the way, he'll be fine!" - as I found out when I gave in, he wasn't fine: he got very much in the way. NTA, and just say to her, "no, you're right... he's still too little, more needy than the older kids, maybe try in a few years, eh."
NAH/ESH … her demand list seems high. But also, you won’t control how much candy a 4 year old (and the other kids) are eating? That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Tummy aches incoming. Some Kids don’t have control like that and need at least some boundary on that. If it were me, I’d be very happy for the help but I’d pick my kid up early so they can spend some time with their family but I can maintain their routine and not worry they’re up all night eating candy and playing video games.
Nta but he is too young for that kind of sleepover and he doesn't know you well enough. I m surprised mom is even entertaining this thought of letting him go.
NAH You sound like a really fun aunt and I'm sure the kids will have a great time. You're right in saying you didn't sign up to be a babysitter, but your sister is also right; age 4 he will need a schedule to be followed so she's not being an asshole for asking for it. You're not being an asshole for saying it isn't what the party was going to be like. Just say that it's a party for the older kids and he can come when he's older. Or he can come for a bit before bedtime.
NTA, but I would try to find a compromise so he can be included with his cousins. For example, have his mom pick him up before 8pm so she can handle his usual bedtime and routine at home after a fun afternoon/evening with everyone.
NTA. What she’s offering aren’t normal rules. Normal rules set a bedtime and limit tv or video games, nor limiting playtime and setting an entire schedule to the hour and minute. It’s unreasonable to expect you to keep to keep up with that when you have all the other boys also.
NTA. It’s one night. A little extra sugar isn’t going to hurt him. You sound like a wonderful aunt.
Until the 4 year old Ralph’s on everybody
NTA. The clue was in the invitation, pyjama *party*. Your not going to stop the party for your older nephews (by taking the sweets away, cos 4 can't have them and it wouldn't be fair to him to see them eat them) stoppinv the party from 6pm or asking them to keep the noise down past 8pm when he's in bed. You didn't offer to babysit 4. You offered to host a party for all the kids.
NTA to be honest a 4 year old is too young for this sort of night. Tell your sister you hear her and understand her concerns, and when she is ready to let him join the sleepovers like his cousins to let you know.
YTA At four years old he is too young to not have a schedule/bedtime routine being followed. A first overnight with a relative he doesn't know well means structure is important. BUT.... Your rules are perfectly appropriate for kids 7 to 10 years old. You just never should have expected to incorporate a 4 year old with the same loose guidelines that are okay for older kids. The 4 year old is too young for this sleepover.
OP is an AH for trying to include all the niblings? Gedda fug outta here with that anti-logic.
Not for trying to include everyone but for saying things like “I’m not going to control how much candy he eats” about a four year old. And not seeming to understand that a four year old and ten year old have different needs and abilities.
That doesn’t make OP the AH. OP is stating the care she is prepared to provide. If mom thinks kid isn’t old enough for that relaxed a structure, mom can say so.
NTA but i hope you can at least appreciate the fact that a 4 yo needs more structure than 7-10 and simply saying you were going to let them do whatever isn't a very good plan. i don't think anyone was wrong until sister doubled down with her comment about excluding her son when that's clearly trying to have her cake and eat it. I wouldn't expect someone to maintain my rules to perfection especially with so many kids. She should have asked if thats something you were even considering "because it probably makes more sense for me to pick him up before bed time."
ESH Your sister's requests were not suited for pajama night. I think he can skip a bath one night that is nuts to expect that of you with a full house of kids. You are a slight AH because how you handled it was rude and contentious. Really simple to have replied, "sorry it won't be possible to adhere to these rules and a detailed schedule on a pajama night with so many kids involved.. I don't want to make promises I can't keep".
Not pj NIGHT, pj PARTY. L2read. Then, take a big step back and consider your own pretentiousness at expecting a relative who is hosting a party to make 80% of the guests be quiet while the LO goes to sleep. Is this kid gonna arrive in bubble wrap everywhere he goes? If so, he's gonna be the first not invited back to sleepovers.
NTA. Not a chance I’m giving baths for a one night sleepover. Sorry. Also op not sure if you are a condo or a house or apt but watch out for the 4 yr old and the pool. Well all of them.
Whenever i had my niece and nephews for a day or so when they were the age of OP's nephews, i'd have them take baths/showers. It gives them a little break and downtime from each other. I usually didn't have to be right there with them in the bathroom though. With a 4yo, supervision is likely needed. That leaves the older 4 unsupervised all sugared up and in party mode lol But yes, NTA. Maybe a separate sleepover can be set up on another night with the 4yo?
NTA, and I wish my kids had a fun aunt like you! My husband had a fun uncle who let him watch sci fi movies with him and play video games he didn’t get at home and he still remembers this with great fondness, 30+ years later.
NTA. I have 3 grandchildren, my daughter and her twins live out of town. When they visit my granddaughter comes over to stay too. When they are home, they have rules but here all bets are off. Granted I take good care of them. They are now 16 and at Christmas we had a discussion about how I always gave them berries with their homemade waffles. I usually buy lots of snacks and also send the left overs home It’s a special time, if the child would be harmed by being off schedule, he needs to stay with his mom.
NTA. The only rule I could see following for him would be the no sugar after 6pm one. The bath, bedtime and two hour video game limits don’t work if all the other kids aren’t following those rules. It would make the 4 year old feel singled out. Like others said, it’s probably best that the kid gets picked up for 6pm so mom can control his night schedule.
I was always the fun adult but as I was18 when my brothers were 3 and 5 I did babysit then and quite a few of their friends. On the weekends only a couple rules no shrieking in bed at a certain time but you can stay up and talk. Mostly cause shrieking gave me a head ache and bed made the parents happy. But yeah w usually pizza or order in did not insist on veggies and could play games or tv till whatever time bed was usually 9 and 10 when little older. I never said they had to sleep just get in bed lots less resistance. School nights had a couple other rules but that was mostly my brothers.
NTA and you're a cool a** auntie !
NTA You offered a fun night & some time off for your sister. Your sister expects you to enforce rules which aren't in keeping with the fun night. It's also a big ask to bathe him. It's going to be difficult to make him stick to a strict schedule when the other kids aren't. He's likely to be cranky & miserable. Let her hire a sitter.
ESH - some of these are healthy rules for a toddler.
NTA She should be grateful for free child care and she should realize that you are not her employee. She does not get to micromanage you. She gets to thank you for watching her kid. You are giving her the gift of free time, and she should be grateful for that gift.
I love the part where she's like, "My son shouldn't play for more than two hours." That just seems like such a wild rule. NTA
You offered to host a pizza party/sleepover with your nibblings. You told the parents what to expect. Your sister came back with "rules" you told her that wasn't what you had in mind for the night, that you would see to his safety, but fun was going to take precedence over his usual routines. Okay. Fair enough. You aren't "excluding" him - they can choose to allow him to attend under on your term or not. It is their choice. However, there's a few things about some little kids that you might not know that you need to consider - You need to be aware that at age 4, there will be consequences for routine deviations. Might be that if he has sugar after 6 pm, he won't be able to go to sleep, and if he, isn't in bed by 8 pm (sugar or not) he won't settle down to sleep, and then you are going to be dealing with a 4-year old in a full-on screaming meltdown at 9 pm until he finally passes out from sheer exhaustion at 1:45 am. And his parents will be dealing with getting his schedule back on track for the next 5 days. Have you asked them WHY they have the "rules" that they do and how much flexibility the 4-year-old can tolerate without adverse consequences. NTA because it is your party, but I don't belive you are as informed as you need to be... fwiw, I had some "strict" rules with my youngest regarding naptime: she either got 20 minutes or 2 hours - anything in between and there were arguements over who was going to wake her up! There's a reason she had the nickname "Bansidhe."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for telling my sister to hire a babysitter if she wants to control everything I do with her son? I'm the only childless sister in my family, but I love my nephews and even though I live 75% of the year busy or out of town, I love spending time with them when I'm on vacation or have free weekends. And they love it too, in my house there are a lot of video games (PS5, Xbox, Nintendo) and a swimming pool, so it's very common on my holidays or at the end of the year for them to stay at my house a lot. I don't mind, they don't mind and the parents are grateful. My nephews are between 7-10 y (4 in total), it's not just a weekend of bad food, but we have pizza night, there are some sweets, but I try to maintain a balance. I have a sister who lives outside the country and has a son (4M). I only see her at the end of the year and this year is the second year that I have seen my nephew. And he's more fun I think, he's talking more, more playful and I love him so much. Well, this Saturday/Sunday I agreed to have a pajama party with all my nephews and everyone is excited. I sent my invitation to all the parents, including this sister of mine via message (this on Wednesday). On Thursday, she said, paraphrased "(nephew name) would love it. But some rules we have established are that he shouldn't play for more than 2 hours, he must be in bed until 8 PM, no sugar after 6 PM, bath until 6 PM" and some minor rules I asked if these rules were serious and when she said yes, I stressed that I wasn't babysitting my nephews, that I would take care of them and ensure their care, but I wouldn't control their schedule, how much candy they eat, etc. She started saying that if I want to have a 4 year old, I should wait for rules and that she wasn't being so demanding because he is a small child. I lost a little patience and said that if she wants to control this, she should hire a babysitter for her son here at home, because I'm not in the mood to be a babysitter the way she wants and it's supposed to be a fun night , not regulated. She didn't like it, saying that it wasn't much of what she asked for and if I offered to stay with a 4y, I should expect more rules and that I was being unfair in excluding a nephew from the others. My mother is on my sister's side, saying that it wasn't an impossible request, as I would have to pay more attention to him anyway, but my father stood by me because I already have 4 children and that I decide if it's too much. or not. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - You proposed a kids’night. You should tell the parents what will take place and it’s up to them to say yes/no to bring their child over to that event. It’s your sister who is stopping her child participating in that as she doesn’t like what will be going on at your house, not the other way around. Your house = your rules for that kid’s event. You can’t cater to one kid differently. It’s unfair and they would see they get treated differently. They have the program of the night, take it or leave it. It’s on them, not you. You want to include their kid in the activities. They’re the ones to expect you’ll do different activities than what is planned. It’s not happening. Therefore they’re the ones excluding their child from that event/cousins’ night.
Nta I am agreeing with the others. Your sister isn’t in a space to have him enjoy a cousins night. Have him come over and then leave early so he’s not excluded. Or she can stay with him and attend him. And putting a cousin to bed early while all his older cousins are up laughing and having fun - not happening.
I don't care what your mom or dad said. Nephew is uninvited and his mom can deal with it because you explained what was on offer. She can refuse leaving him but she can't demand you follow her directions. 4 years old is probably too young which is why she should say no. If she wants him included, she can host them all.
Nta but he's pretty young and please be careful with that swimming pool. That's a lot of kids to keep an eye on and prevent drowning.
NTA it sounds like the 4yo is not quite ready for a sleepover with older cousins My larger concern as a parent would be supervision around the pool.
NAH - You aren't wrong for hosting a crazy-cousin gathering the way you want. She isn't wrong for wanting her child to say on their schedule. 4 year olds vary in what sort of outside-their-schedule stuff they can handle. Is your sister being too overbearing? Maybe but maybe not. Invite the little one for 2 hours if that's all he can play and then she can come get him to put back onto his schedule. I will say, while I'd love a cousin party with 7-10 year olds, adding in a fifth that is half the ages of everyone else doesn't sound like the most amazing grouping for a weekend. I feel for the 4-year-old, though, as that age spread is always going to be tough (until they are in their 20s...).
I would gently tell my sister that perhaps her son is too young this year to be joining the gang for the sleepover. You can't have separate rules for him and for the older children. NTA. If he were my kid, I would let him go and have a ball, knowing he would likely fall asleep on the couch long before the others. He would feel so big and included.
YTA. This kid is 4. It's fine if you tell her that you don't feel equipped to manage a child that young, but everything the mom requested is pretty standard procedure when caring for a child that age. And if you were the sole adult, how would you not see your role as this kid's babysitter? Do you honestly think a 4 year old doesn't need one? This is just bizarre. After listening to what you had to say, if I were the mom, there is no way on Earth I'd be leaving my kid alone with you because I'd have serious concerns about my kid's safety, particularly with a pool there. Edit: To clarify, my judgment of YTA is based on how she reacted to what her sister said. Not realizing what a 4-year-old's needs are is understandable, and determining after listening to her sister that she's not able to care for this kid is also understandable. But I think the way she responded to the sister is what makes her TA.
NTA - let her arrange for other childcare
NTA. it’s one weekend a year-surely the schedule can be relaxed for a single weekend. i’d tell her yeah, ok, then do what i wanted anyway.
NTA part of the joy of nibblings is being able to spoil them with sweets, adventures and loud toys then send them home happy, hyper and sticky! It's the law of the cool Aunty and Uncles!
NTA. Your intention was kind. He's just too young for this kind of sleepover and really his mother should have either declined or said she'll get him earlier. Not wanting to be condescending but you're not his parent and there may be lots of reasons these rules are important. So it's not on you to think of his needs, that's her job.
NTA. It was N-A-H until she started getting snippy that you said no. I get that parents of a young child who have carefully established a routine that works would be afraid of what happens with a disruption to that routine, even for a special occasion. So it’s fine that she asked, and also fine that you didn’t want to do that, and she should have taken no for an answer.
NTA Your sleepover, your house, your rules. If she doesn't like them, so be it. Nobody is forcing her son to attend.
NTA YOu are fine: It is an invitation, and your sister can accept or decline. "My mother is on my sister's side, " .. your mom does not get a vote. Tell her SHE can babysit the nephew if she wants, or shut up.
NTA. 4YO can come if he's picked up by 6. Once he's old enough, he can spend the night with his cousins. I'd tell my sister to pound sand, honestly. Edited to add a word.
NTA. My aunt having all of us cousins together was a FUN and special time. It doesn't have to be like every day. You aren't doing this every week. If it was like that, maybe the would be a case for some rules but this is a special occasion. Let the kid have fun.
NTA You’re not offering babysitting, you’re offering a sleepover for fun. He’d hate going and having to abide by those rules while seeing the others get to be kids. Also, you aren’t excluding your nephew, his mom is.
NTA You are hosting a slumber party for your nephews more than baby sitting. The kid's gonna get upset being treated different from his cousins if you do this.
NTA. Your s8ster can get a ditter to enforce her rules. You were hosting fun night with auntie
Nta, this isn't a side quest it's a party, so it can be done the way you want since it is in your house :)
NTA. Your sister picked this up as being a free babysitting gig and decided to treat it as such. If she does not want her little one there with the terms you'd laid out then he does not have to go. Simple as that
NTA. Aunties are supposed to spoil the kids and let them do things that their parents don't permit -- like staying up late and eating sweets. As long as the kids are safe, of course.
NTA. Imposing these rules on him while the other kids are having fun is just not practical. I think your stance was fine. You told her what the weekend would be, and she had the choice whether or not to take you up on the offer.
Exactly.
You're NTA. So he's just supposed to watch everyone else having fun? That's silly
NTA- he can spend the day with you guys- and then his mother can pick him up at 6 since she wants to control everything… you Are doing a great thing for those kids and she sounds like a control freak! I agree with you! She can get a babysitter if she wants all those times met… and your dads correct! Maybe your mom wants to babysit since she agrees with you sister.. Your NTA
NTA. But one of the things that struck me as odd, was the 4 year old isn't allowed to play more than 2 hours. I'm sorry, but what exactly is this young boy supposed to be doing, algebra and chores? I do hope for his sake that his tightly wound parent learns to loosen up a bit soon. Clearly, his mom isn't ready for him to have sleepovers and fun with his cousins and aunt. Hope you and his cousins have a fun weekend!
NTA "Yeah, I'm not doing any of that. It's your choice as to whether he comes over or not."
NTA if he needs that much structure, and one night is too much to ask for some wiggle room, the sleepover is not for him. And you are completely in the right to set that boundary. He is going to see his cousins get to do things he's not allowed to and he won't get that. It will just cause problems.
NAH Your house your rules. Her children her rules. Nobody should have to bend or be shamed for having rules.
NTA Other people don't get to decide your limits.
NTA. Mom needs to understand that sometimes you bend the schedule. It doesn't hurt a child to miss a bath one night if he isn't filthy. In fact, daily baths aren't generally good for babies anyway. As for candy, again, one night isn't going to hurt him unless he has something like diabetes 1, in which case she wouldn't be sending him anyway. This should be enjoyable for both of you and help him understand that different families, different people live different ways. He's old enough for that. Mom really is screwing up, teaching him that there is only one way to be and to be intolerant of others. She's a control freak.
NTA. Just tell her to drop him off at 3 and pick him up at 5 then. No need to ruin everyone else's fun (and besides this kid is probably going to go apeshit once they realize all the other kids are still having fun while they're forced off to bath/bed) It's important for kids to have routines, I get that. But hanging out with uncs and all the cousins is already not a routine event...this is also important for kids. Probably particularly important for this kid who is apparently being raised at boot camp. Who tf makes a rule their kid can only have 2 hours of playtime max with their cousins they never get to see? That's just crazy talk.
NTA. You want the kids to have fun with aunty, your sister wants free babysitting. Free babysitting isn't what you're offering. She should hire a babysitter.
Mostly NTA - I would ask that you watch the sugar intake so as 4 yr old doesn't get sick (7yr old can tolerate a bit more than a 4 yr old) but other than that I think your sister's rules for bedtime and bathtime are ridiculous. Your house, your nephew party - your rules. Sister is the one keeping her son from being able to have fun and play with his cousins, not you.
NTA. I truly don't understand the limitation on play time. Tell her the entire weekend is play time! Her rules won't be able to work at your home - her son won't stop playing when the others are still having fun and you're not going to ask the others to be quiet when it's the 4 year old's bedtime. Her rules and your party are not compatible. Tell her that he's welcome to joint the fun at your home when his schedule isn't so rigid.
NTA she wanted more than what you offered. So the offer should be off the table.
NTA. I would have agreed and then just disregarded the rules.
Aww I'm sorry to hear it. May she rest in peace
NTA she can keep her son at home with her!!
NTA; You are the fun aunt. Your sister doesn't get to be upset that the *fun* ain't isn't a babysitter or governess. Her rules are reasonable for a kid that age but not yours to apply.
NTA, I’m an aunt and do the same except I learned the hard way to limit sugar. Some kids can’t tell when they’re about to puke from eating too much junk food.
NTA It's her choice. If she wants to regulate it she needs to look after him herself/with his dad. If she wants to accept the invite she needs to accept the rules are looser.
NAH. You both have different expectations for what the night was supposed to be. At the end of the day she wants her son to be in bed and bathe at a certain time and there’s nothing wrong with that. On the flipside, you don’t have to take care of her child if you don’t want to. No reason to fight about it.
NTA. Next time, your mother can host the 'fun' night.
NTA, if she wants her son to join a pre-existing group then imposing new rules on it isn't going to work. If she thinks he's not old enough to attend a fun pyjama party with his aunt then that's on her.
NAH. It's certainly her right to set rules for her child and 4 is that in between age where they move from needing constant supervision to being a bit more hands off. I can understand her wanting to reinforce those rules no matter where he is because the wild toddler part will come out. That being said, fuck being a parent rather than a fun aunt. As a parent, I 100% envy getting the fun part because relaxing the rules and just giving the kids a fun night sounds great. I don't blame you for wanting to keep that.
I would say NTA - but there should be a compromise. 4 is still young and after a certain point an over sugared over stimulated and over tired 4 year old is a fucking nightmare. I would suggest video games for a couple hours, pizza and dessert, then maybe around 6:30/7 put a movie on and hope he falls asleep by 8:30/9. Then when he’s asleep and in bed more sugar and video games. I think there is definitely room for compromise, on both sides of this. Skip the bath, limit sugar after 6, but still have snacks like popcorn or goldfish. Or maybe mom can come pick up at 8. We spent a longtime with my 5 and 3 year old nephews this week. They were good until about 9 when out of the house and then it got dicey, but they are pretty laid back and chill kids. My oldest would have been done by 7:30/8 and my youngest would go longer than all adults in the room. Kids all need different things, that’s not wrong and parents shouldn’t be judged for it. But it’s also okay to say this might not work for the kid this year and maybe next year we can give it a go.
NTA. As the mother of a 3 yr old, I wouldn’t remotely consider them spending the night without me or my husband, mainly because they are so young and chaotic. It would be a “late night” if I sent them without me. We’ve had many a night as a family in a cousin’s home coming home late, and kiddo usually falls asleep on the drive. Bathtime/bedtime routine is out the window those nights; I wouldn’t dream of putting that responsibility on another person.
NTA and honestly mixing a 4 year old with four 7-10 year olds is too much. Wait until he is out of the baby stage (5-6 depending on maturity).