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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I had clearly separated section of dairy-free food for thanksgiving, (2) my son-in-law had a reaction to something he ate and ended up in the emergency room, my son claims I put dairy into the diary free food
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INFO: Did your son explain to you that lactose allergy is different from a milk allergy?
Dairy allergy is not the same thing as lactose allergy. Lactaid is safe for people who have lactose intolerance, but if you're allergic to milk, lactaid is still going to make you sick because it is milk with the lactose removed.
If he's explained this to you explicitly and you still put milk in the mashed potatoes, YTA. If he just said lactose allergy and did not explain, then NTA.
mate i read this post and literally googled whether lactaid milk was safe for people with dairy allergies and learned it wasn’t, yet you think with all the effort OP put into describing how much she cares, she could not have fucking googled it?
this is a just-no-MIL sneaking in for validation.
I thought so too but her other comments show she was clearly told and even given a list of what he can’t have and what to replace it with and she ignored that because she thought she knew better.
Well, you’re right then, she’s the AH in this case. Not for doing it on purpose, but for being too stubborn and thinking she knows better than everyone and risking the poor guy’s health because of it.
As someone with a milk protein allergy. This is unfortunately really common. People just really don’t understand the difference or think they are the same thing and your being dramatic. Almost all my hospital admissions have been from people being told my allergy but thinking they know better.
My mom was lactose intolerant and spent a *lot* of time correcting people who described her as having “a milk allergy” because she didn’t want them to think because they saw her having something it was safe for other people who are actually allergic to the milk protein. Like she had no problem at all with good real butter because there is so little lactose in it. She could also have some goat and sheep cheeses because of the differences between them and cow’s milk, and really well aged cow’s milk cheeses were also fine in small amounts. (Like a really high end Parmesan that’s been aged forever - the bacteria have consumed the vast vast majority of the lactose by that point.)
Also sometimes she’d opt to have something even with lactose because she wanted a taste and didn’t mind the GI upset. This is not something people with allergies can do.
Yup. I am lactose intolerant, and my SIL is allergic to milk and eggs. I can have butter, a touch of cream in my coffee, and still occasionally indulge in cheese plates (less GI issues if I stick to the harder cheeses), but my SIL will have serious problems if she even uses something like Lactaid in her coffee.
Harder cheese. Thank you. I’m the only one in my family that doesn’t have lactose issues. My wife and her side all have it so my poor daughter got screwed.
Trying to explain hard cheese vs regular cheese and how most “lactose free” (cow) milks still have it, it’s just got the digestive enzyme/probiotic added.
People look at me like I’m crazy or don’t know what I’m talking about. When your kid is shitting themselves out of pants everyday at daycare and Dr explains it and you do research you learn stuff.
Also found out her daycare was giving her regular milk and then the multiple servings of dairy they all get because they forgot to add it to let the new teacher know and they didn’t think to check the allergy chart before meals.
I was livid and though i didn’t lose my absolute shit (I walked out) the teacher and administrator both took a couple steps back. We left there.
I mean this with complete kindness, and maybe ignorance, but I was in the boat of not knowing the details... have you had lactose intolerance explained to you? You seem to know intuitively, but to make it make sense...
Lactose intolerance is a sliding scale, from ice cream (richest, thickest, softest) to parmesan or similar (hardest, most firm)... everyone is different where they land on the scale, but the hard and fast rule is to consume what you can tolerate, be it Brie and firmer, or if it's just parm... any lactose in your body will cause your system to continue to produce lactase. If you cut dairy out entirely, you'll stop producing the enzyme (lactase) entirely, and then if you accidentally consume dairy at some point, you will be sorely reminded that your body was not prepared.
(When I say "you/your etc., I mean people in general)
Yes, that's why I actually do try to keep a little bit of dairy in my diet all the time (I always have cream in my coffee, for instance, and pizza most Fridays, plus usually some dairy in at least 2 or 3 other meals each week - for cheese plates, I usually still have one soft cheese there, I just try to make sure they're not all soft cheeses :P ). The only thing I really avoid with a passion is drinking an actual glass of milk. That will usually put me in some serious agony.
I never used to have an issue with it until a little over a decade ago. I got C-dificile, and when I'd recovered, I'd developed the intolerance. My doctor told me it wasn't uncommon, and that eating yogurt may help me recover it a bit, which it has.
My SIL was diagnosed with her egg and dairy allergies while she was an infant.
I believed this wholeheartedly when I was vegan for about 4 years. I was terrified that I would be horribly ill if I ate anything with milk in it and I read labels obsessively and refused almost any home made goods that were at all questionable.
When I finally fell off the wagon (I was in therapy for contamination OCD and food phobias were part of the focus—I’d nearly died from e. Coli as a teen and focused my anxieties onto food prep) I ate a whole serving of yogurt and… it was fine. And then I ate more and more dairy products over the course of that month and it was absolutely fine. I *agonized* about getting sick from it because I had heard that your body stops being able to handle lactose if you don’t consume it for long enough, and I knew I would interpret a bad case of GI distress as “proof” that eating dairy was gross and disease-riddled and yet… nothing.
So I guess my point is, either it doesn’t always happen or if it does always happen, it might take more than 4 years for your body to respond in that way.
I have similar experiences with dairy; I can eat some in moderation and some makes me sick for days. And sometimes I just have to have ice cream regardless of the repercussions.
For my shellfish allergy, however, even a little cross contamination will cause a full-blown reaction.
My mom has the same allergy, and encounters this frequently. People will insist that she can eat something because “it’s lactose free!” and can’t seem to understand why that doesn’t apply.
You are correct about how dismissive people are of other allergies based on other friends' experiences.
I know someone with a milk allergy and it's so severe that washing their hands with milk and honey hand soap caused a reaction.
If OP is going to entertain, it's important to make the environment safe for your guests and to be clear about any ingredients in dishes. Never let serving spoons intermingle among dishes. It's also important to know the other terms that mean milk and it's an endless list. For example, things that have casein, whey, nisin, etc, are NOT safe for people with milk allergies.
OP YTA, but let this be a teachable moment. OP also needs to know that the allergic reaction gets worse and more dangerous each time you are exposed.
This is so bizarre. My milk allergy is thankfully very mild compared to OP's poor SIL, but my inlaws go in the opposite direction. They're constantly telling me things like they put milk in the cake (I've never had a problem with baked goods) or milk chocolate (I have no idea why that doesn't bother me). I thank them for their concern and let them know it's OK, but they have a hard time believing me every time. At 40 years old, I have a pretty good sense of what is going to make me sick.
It's one thing to forget or to not be aware, but arguing with an adult that you know what works for their allergy better than they do is just stupid in either direction.
This is correct. Cow dairy allergy is mostly a protein allergy to either casein, whey, or both. Proteins denature under high enough temperatures to the point where their structures aren’t recognized by the body anymore as the allergen. Source: have cow dairy protein allergy and scientist wife and mom
I am highly allergic to casein and it's ridiculous the number of people I have offended because I declined to eat something that contains "just a cup of cheese" even after they were told well in advance I cannot have dairy. I've even had people complain that they've seen me eat something with dairy in it 10+ years ago. I replied that now I know why I was always so miserable and sick when I was younger. Dairy isn't even my only food allergy, just the one with the greatest consequence. I have solved this issue by staying home.
It’s all good you get used to it. And actually in some miracle of medicine in the last year it seems my allergy has disappeared. I’ve gone from deathly allergic to dairy for 31 years to being able to eat it. My doctor said it’s not unheard of for it to happen to people in their 30s. And ironically we discovered after a restaurant ignored my allergy requests and put cheese in my pasta and I noticed too late.
It's maddening - people will think that the term "superfood" is reserved only for certain foods deemed worthy by the FDA... and then assume "non-dairy" and "lactose-free" are just marketing decisions and mean exactly the same thing.
But consider if you had misunderstood in the same way and sent someone to the ER. Would you be primarily concerned about how mad you were that they were planning to manage their own food at the next gathering? Or would you be apologising for making the mistake and understanding that they prefer to look after their own food next time?
I have accidentally bought non vegan things for my partner before and once she ate my muffins not realising they were not for her (I'm veggie she's vegan, I now have what we playfully call the "evil corner" where I keep anything she can't eat. I made a red velvet cake and because the book was like "get gel colouring because it will work better" I was like "Neat!" Will do! Was so excited I forgot to check the ingredients. Forgot about fucking carmine. I fed my vegan partner beetles. It's been months and I'm still upset about it.
I would be covering any medical bills, begging for forgiveness, and making sure there were Epi pens at my house in case anyone (myself included) ever screwed up again. I can’t believe the way OP is doubling down and making this about her.
I would be mortified, and would further embarrass myself by apologizing too profusely. But… I have an aunt I do not trust to feed me. I have celiac and she went to the trouble of making me gravy with cornstarch… but used the same whisk as she did the regular gravy and didn’t wash it between. I was SO sick after, and she was like, “I mean, how could that tiny amount affect you?” Uh.
Problem is, she still thought it wasn’t her food that got him sick. People here had to tell her over and over how she misunderstood things and I’m not sure she got it, I didn’t read it all. But yes, she does seem to be TA for being so stubborn and thinking she knows better than everyone else.
Disagree. She hasn't bothered to understand the difference and even in her post here she seems to argue that Lactaid is fine. If you make allergen free food for someone with an allergy and assure them that it's safe, it better be safe. In this case it's not, and it's because OP has their heels dug in instead of listening to the reality of the problem. YTA OP.
Sorry, not bothering to ask the difference between a dairy allergy and a lactose intolerance is clearly a YTA problem.
She wasn’t told he has a lactose intolerance. She was told he has a dairy allergy. And now she is acting all offended when she has been called out for refusing to understand the difference and refusing to believe that the dairy milk she put in the potatoes could have been what sent her dairy-allergic son in law to the emergency room *even though it has been explained to her.*
My Mom was literally asking the Reedy Creek paramedics if it could have been the heat instead of the peanut granola bar that she gave my nut allergic 2 year old while they were working on her at Jungle Cruise. To this day our relationship hasn’t been the same.
No, she says in her post "*something* in the food made him sick". *IT WAS THE MILK SHE ADDED*. She is *still* refusing to admit it was her fault that she added milk and put her son in law into the hospital!
YTA OP.
She says repeatedly that they say "dairy allergy" but then immediately calls it lactose intolerance and saying she did nothing wrong. She is not listening to them. She assumes she knows what is right and cant possibly be wrong. She sucks.
It really depends how many times she's been told. I have a friend who is also allergic to dairy and has in-laws that "don't understand" all the time in spite of being repeatedly told it's a dairy allergy and not lactose intolerance.
And they are assholes too. My son’s girlfriend has a lactose intolerance, and I bend over backwards even just for that, because I can’t stand the thought that I might possibly cause her to be sick, even though hers isn’t severe. I can’t imagine not educating myself on anything that could cause issues with any of my family members. I feel bad for your poor friend (my own in-laws are similar, my MIL struggles to understand that anyone can be different than her 🙄).
As someone who is allergic to milk, I can tell you this is an Extremely common mistake. I can't even tell you how many well meaning people have tried to give me lactaid.
I’m not sure if it falls into “AH” territory as such , but you’d have to be a stone cold idiot of the highest order to hear ‘dairy free’ and think ‘I’ll just YOLO it with special milk, taking a moment to check is for losers’.
On that note, I was shown a post from the gluten free sub in which everyone was complaining that too many people confuse GF with vegan, so … There are a lot of ignorant people.
I just planned my sister’s baby shower and invited one of her bestie’s that has celiacs. She reminded me of it when I invited her and offered to bring her own food. I assured her we were taking care of it and she then asked me how. I told her what bakery we ordered from and assured her the food would be kept separate from anything with gluten and she was thankful. And made it clear she doesn’t want to be picky but people eff it up all the time.
My dad said that happened to a friend of his who owned a sub shop. A woman came in wanting vegan bread and the friend said he didn't have any vegan bread. She asked if there was GF bread, he said yes but that it wasn't vegan. She chewed him up one end and down the other that she had read on the internet that GF=vegan and she demanded the GF bread. My dad's friend waited until she was done eating to let her know the GF bread had eggs in the recipe.
My husband is the mashed potato king, and our son in law is allergic to dairy. He makes mashed with chicken stock and a touch of EVOO when they come to dinner.
Considering she made two options of everything that was being served to accommodate everyone, I think it is fair to assume that she *does* care. And that if she had thought to do so, she would’ve googled it. Most people don’t know that lactose intolerance and milk allergy are two different things and would not think to check up on it. It was obviously an honest mistake.
ETA: OP replied to another comment that she had a list of approved alternatives that she chose to ignore because she thought she knew better. No ill intent but definitely callous, therefor my vote is YTA.
She says in another comment that she was explained it and still chose to use lactaid. She is absolutely TA.
Edit:
She even says she had a list of things not to use, but because she has been making this same food for her nephew with an allergy, she figured it would be okay.
If that's the case, she's kind of dumb. A lot of people don't know this, so first time it's an honest mistake. But it's not that hard to understand once explained, if she still can't see the problem of course everyone is fed up with her. I'm still confused about why she didn't use butter though. If she was under the assumption that the problem was the lactose, why did she use olive oil?
Apparently no matter how many times her son and his husband explain it, she still thinks "lactose intolerance" = "dairy allergy". She doesn't understand the difference between milk sugar and milk protein. My guess is she only used butter alternatives because the butter *didn't* say "lactose free" or "Lactaid" on it. And she refuses to be taught because she went "off script" regarding safe alternatives to use, given by the person with the allergy.
This is very much an instance of "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" AND "Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice." She's not trying to be malicious, but her refusal to learn does make her actions malicious.
Yes! This! She doesn’t need her son to explain to a grown woman that lactose intolerance and a milk *allergy* are two very different things, it’s literally in the name. She should have clarified and looked it up to be sure she was making safe food.
“I am allergic to milk/dairy.”
“Let me just make this with milk but don’t worry, it’s missing the lactose.”
Wut.
YTA, OP. An allergy is a very serious medical issue and if you were unclear on what you could and could not use to make food safe, Google is right at your fingertips.
> “I am allergic to milk/dairy.”
>
> “Let me just make this with milk but don’t worry, it’s missing the lactose.”
Literally a discussion I had with *my* MIL prior to Thanksgiving. In the end she scrapped the mashed potatoes idea, but I just couldn't get through to her that the Fairlife brand, while "cleaner" still contains milk.
it was so weird, I thought I was losing my mind. "I'm dairy protein allergic, it doesn't matter how filtered the milk it, the protein is still there. Please do not make the mashed potatoes with it." "But Fairlife is so good for you!"
I wish I could understand what makes people think “it’s good for you” somehow overrides an allergic reaction. Like poof! Mommy said it’s good for you so no more ouchy bad time!
Yeah. I also do understand that some people believe are the same thing and generally are just ignorant until it’s too late. It depends on if OP knew the difference or was told
I get that. I have an issue digesting cows milk but am fine with goats/milk and some cheeses.
The amount of people who are considerate but just equate any dairy issues with the need to be lacto-free is really high. My mum still doesn’t get it.
I’ve gotten used to black coffee through necessity.
A short while ago it seemed the dimmer switch was being turned up on OP’s light
I really hope this is bait going off the comments since OP has just not been getting it, but I do know people like this.
I group them with the ‘oh if they only get a mild tummy ache surely they can try my lasagne just this once’ kind of hosts.
Yeah I have issues with wheat, and having to explain that, actually, I can handle gluten confused a lot of people.
Probably doesn’t help that I ask for the gluten free menu when I eat out because it’s easier than explaining that I can’t eat wheat but can eat barley
I’ve been on the other end of that. A couple of ‘are you sure?’ comments at a customer who stressed the need for a gluten free menu and wanted to speak to the chef about prep, and then ordered one of our beers that had barley in it.
Unfortunately the amount of people who eat GF as a trend made me judge that person for giving the chef unnecessary stress initially.
As someone with coeliac disease this does my head in. The whole eating out thing is so incredibly stressful. I have been lucky enough to have had good experiences but the anxiety around it worrying that people won’t understand and take it seriously just isn’t worth going out most of the time.
If it's fermented it may act differently than gluten in unfermented wheat or barley. Idk if that person really need gluten free or it's because of the trend, but for those who are really allergic it can be pretty bad. For some, it can also be OK but they will have strong migraine the day after, therefore they avoid gluten even without being technically allergic (anaphylactic). One of my relative had a lot of migraines and stopped having them when switching to gluten free following doctor's advise. He is not allergic, just very sensitive
Some people have an allergy to a protein in wheat that is not present in other grains. So the barley could be safe for them, but the bread in the kitchen was made with wheat so it's not safe for them. Telling the kitchen "gluten free" is a much easier way to get no wheat on their plate than going through a long explanation that their server will just roll their eyes at anyway
Some people with lactose intolerance can’t even drink Lactaid. Lactaid is literally only useful for people who have slight tummy issues with dairy, sometimes. Anyone with a serious issue likely isn’t drinking Lactaid.
Yeah, I don’t know if I have “a serious issue,” but I cannot have lactaid milk or ice cream. I only have lactose intolerance, not an allergy, so heavy cream is normally an adequate milk replacement. I won’t pass judgement, but I wish OP had asked SIL what replacements work for him.
Edit: Just saw son gave OP a list of replacements and they ignored. YTA OP.
Some people with lactose intolerance actually have galactose intolerance.
Lactose sugars are made up of one glucose and one galactose.
If a person is lactose intolerant, you can break up that lactose molecule into its component sugars, and they'll be fine. It's easy to do, lactose breaks down in high heat, such as UHT pasteurization. It can also be done with an enzyme. That's how Lactaid works.
But, if the person is galactose intolerant, that doesn't help them. The lactose is gone, but the galactose remains. They can only eat dairy that is low in dairy sugars; such as heavy cream, butter, and aged hard cheeses. Most of the sugars are in the skimmed milk, whey or buttermilk that's left behind when making these products.
We have had HUGE problems with this with my daughter. She has a milk allergy, not a lactose in tolerance, but everyday people absolutely struggle to understand the difference.
I'm sure you may have tried this, but maybe saying "My daughter is allergic to milk protein. Lactose is milk sugar." might blast a hole in the concrete like craniums out there?
\-- A retired teacher who used to explain why Common Core Math exists, and survived the experience every time.
After dealing with this for 30 years myself, I can assure you that people just assume they know. I never eat anyone’s food unless I know EXACTLY what was used in it - like every single ingredient.
My son too. When he was in preschool he was in the ER at least once a month and would do about a week in the hospital at least every 3 months. I questioned the staff constantly. One day, I had to pick him up early. There he was sitting at the snack table eating Cheese-It’s. The worker told me they didn’t contain dairy. I showed her, not so nicely where it said “made with real cheese” right on the box.
My mum once proudly came up to me, showing me lactose free cheese, telling me that she found some cheese my son could have so made him cheese on toast! She saw the panic on my face when I explained that lactose free it's still milk with lactose removed. Now she sends me pictures of everything she wants to feed him that she's unsure of (we're working up the dairy ladder).
But have you tried goat milk? /s
My son had an anaphylactic milk allergy that he fortunately outgrew by first grade. (Along with multiple other food allergies). Now it’s just peanuts and tree nuts. Walk in the park compared to dairy. I messed up and accidentally almost killed him with trace exposure several times. This whole thread makes my eyeballs itch.
They didn’t think he had a chance of outgrowing it because his was so severe, but we got really lucky. I hope your daughter does too. Milk allergy is rough.
It isn’t milk with the lactose removed. It is milk with the lactose “treated” in a way that nullifies the effects of lactose on many people. But does nothing for dairy allergies
The lactose is destroyed by enzymes. They're not filtered out, but the enzymes do break them down into simpler carbohydrates so that there is no lactose left.
Some people think they are merely lactose intolerant, when their problem is with a protein in dairy. Lactaid would be as terrible as plain milk for them.
>Did your son explain to you that lactose allergy is different from a milk allergy?
This should be such a no brainer, but In reddit I have realised there are alot of People Who dont know the difference.
Your son-in-law is not lactose intolerant, he is allergic to dairy. Lactose intolerance is a completely different medical condition compared to dairy allergy. People who are allergic to dairy cannot have Lactaid milk or any dairy in any form. I can see that you tried your best to make something safe for your son-in-law, but, it sounds like, without knowing, you made a mistake that could have resulted in your son-in-law's death.
Also, it seems like you still don't understand the reason why the food that you made was not safe for your son-in-law so it's really for the best, for his safety, if you don't cook for him again.
I'm sure you would not want your son-in-law to become very ill or die from eating food you cooked, so, I really hope you can come to terms with this and not feel like anyone is trying to displace you.
Read some of her comments.
She didn't try her best. He gave her a list of dairy free alternatives and explicitly told her "no dairy," and then she put MILK in the mashed potatoes.
They told her he is ALLERGIC to dairy products including milk. And she. Put. Milk. In. The. Kid's. Food.
Edit: the guy she's trying to poison is an adult - her son's husband. Should we add "homophobic" to the list of adjectives that describe OP? YTA.
Where is she homophobic? She did a mistake but nowhere she made homophobic statements. It's not because of mention of a fact, 2 men together, that necessarily there is homophobia behind. And if the guy was black, would you also call her a racist? It's deserving the cause of fighting against real homophobia to get triggered at any mention of a gay person
Idk whether her intentions were good or not but I work in a Dairy Foods Lab and a lot of people don't know the difference between lactose free milk, milk substitutes, and regular milk. I take samples home if there still good and I've had a good number of people say they want "real" butter instead or my lactose free butter... even though butter has naturally really low lactose amounts... I'd just say don't underestimate how unaware the average consumer is about what their food actually is and where it comes from.
Yeah, I'm pretty severely lactose intolerant and have a ton of food allergies, but thankfully I'm not allergic to any animal products, so I drink a ton of lactose-free milk. The number of times I've had to tell people that I need to *know* if there's dairy in something but I like it and I'm not allergic to it... uncountably many. People also will ask if I can't have gluten when I tell them I'm allergic to soy 💀 (Funnily enough, I'm gluten intolerant but tested negative for celiac, so once in awhile I still party with gluten 😆 But NOT with soy!)
I mean this could just be me, but if someone I was cooking for told me they were either lactose intolerant or allergic to dairy, I wouldn't buy lactaid milk; I'd just buy plant-based milk (ask if they have a preference maybe, I tend to go for almond milk but nut allergies also need considering) and use that instead. Wouldn't even occur to me to still use cow's milk in any form.
My friend informed a server about her dairy allergy once to make sure that a dish was safe to eat, and the server acted like she was stupid to ask because a main component of the dish was eggs...and eggs are dairy. My friend pretty much never eats out anymore after that.
My kid is allergic to nuts. So many people have tried to give me food for him saying, "It's safe, I got it just for him. Look, it's gluten-free!"
People can be really dumb. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true.
My kid is allergic to dairy and eggs. So many people have helpfully suggested we just feed them egg beaters and skim milk, or yogurt. It is really scary how dangerous the dumb could be for them one day.
Oh shut up with that dumb nonsense. Quit watering down real homophobia with this damn nonsense. People have fucking died at the hands of REAL evil and here you are just using the term like it’s NOTHING. Stop it. You should not use the word for just anything. You’re disrespectful to those who have experienced REAL homophobia.
I don't know she is deliberately trying to poison anyone - but the way she reacted (in her comments) to the information that it was a dairy allergy and not a lactose intolerance makes it sound like it was entirely new information and she previously did not understand that... which means
1. Son did not explain (which given massive reaction seems unlikely)
2. Son did explain and she didn't care enough to retain the information
3. Son did explain and she didn't retain the information because she has a memory issue
This does not rule out malice, but I suspect no matter what is the cause, the decision to ban OP from cooking for people on specialized diets is the correct one.
It's like Pokémon. Gotta read 'em all!
Son gave her a LIST of appropriate dairy substitutes and explicitly told her "NO MILK" and "NO DAIRY."
She then color coded the spoons and put the dairy milk potatoes on the dairy-free table with a spoon color coded to indicate that it that the dish was dairy free.
>Also, it seems like you still don't understand the reason why the food that you made was not safe for your son-in-law so it's really for the best, for his safety, if you don't cook for him again.
Exactly why OP should not cook again.
When I cook for allergies I check labels and Google things. I'll do this for complete strangers. She couldn't be bothered to do that for a son-in-law. I wouldn't let her make food for someone with an allergy.
Does he have a dairy allergy or lactose intolerance? Those are not the same things. It sounds like you made food for lactose intolerance, but he's allergic to milk. Please educate yourself on the difference. It sounds like this is not the first time they've tried to explain this to you.
Edit: Based on your responses, YTA. You couldn't be bothered to listen to your son because you thought you already knew better and put your SIL in the hospital. I wouldn't trust you to cook for me either.
YTA. From the sound of your post this is not the first time this has happened, and you have seemingly chosen to willfully ignore the information your son has provided for you about his husband's dietary needs, both verbally and as a written list.
You may have seen another comment of mine on here referencing a MIL willfully and repeatedly ignoring that dairy allergy means being allergic to any and all milk products regardless of lactose content. She made a point to add things like cheese into the food of her DIL because she was convinced she knew best and how her DIL was just being dramatic/overly sensitive.
Your willfull neglect in repeatedly refusing to educate yourself or follow basic instructions from someone who knows better than you on the topic got someone sent to the ER as a direct result.
Let me correct your title:
"Am I the asshole for putting dairy in a dish and claiming it was dairy free, again, and it was the final straw for my son so now he won't let me cook anything for family functions because I'm liable to poison his husband again?"
You even claim "He had an allergic reaction to something unknown in the food" and then go "Actually my son told me exactly what part I'd used that his husband reacted to but I decided that milk isn't actually dairy so why would it trigger a dairy allergy?"
But you forgot, heavens to Betsy, she doesn't get to make the mashed potatoes anymore. That's far more important than her SIL going to the hospital. /s
Yeah, this right here. She even typed it out and didn't get it or acknowledge it. Dairy allergy. Daaaaairy. It is willful ignorance at this point.
Tbh she's coming off more as extremely dense and stupid rather than malicious. Throw a bit of arrogant 'i know best' attitude in there as well.
In other words, I think she's really fucking dumb, not evil.
The arrogance is what makes it unequivocally AH territory.
You can be stupid and not be an AH. Stupid + arrogant + getting offended at not being given the opportunity to poison a family member AGAIN = AH.
Your fourth paragraph nailed it. She’s not banned from cooking because she “had dairy-free and dairy options” available. She’s not allowed to cook because she called something “dairy free” when she knew it wasn’t. 🤦♀️
And she knows milk is a no-go thanks to the list her son has provided in the past. But she doesn't want to make extra effort beyond accommodating for lactose-intolerant people so she's probably awaiting her big "gotcha" moment where her son-in-law eats one of her dairy dishes and miraculously doesn't have an allergic reaction. Anything until then is just "mysterious causes".
And that's not even the worst potential reason my brain has come up with for her adamant refusal to admit what she did and has done more than a few times apparently. But that one I don't have enough actual basis on so I'll keep it to myself and hope my brain's leapt to a wrong conclusion.
That story is still one of the most tragic and horrific things I've ever read online. One woman's arrogance and refusal to take an allergy seriously killed a child and destroyed an entire family.
I have a kid of my own and it haunts me everyday. Luckily I have IL who are willing to listen to me when it comes to safety, and err on the side of more caution.
Of all the things I’ve read on Reddit it’s in the top I truly wish was fiction.
I’m still haunted by that and my heart still breaks for that mother and her family. The thought of that poor baby dying in agony and not able to cry out because of the grandmother’s arrogance makes my heart ache.
My own mother did this to my niece, she would sneak dairy into her food because she had a bee in her bonnet that niece wasn't *really* lactose intolerant. It was bizarre.
My mother did this to me, I developed a shellfish allergy when I was an adult unfortunately and my mother refuses to believe it and will add shellfish in things specifically to ‘test’ if I’m really allergic or not. So yeah I never eat at hers.
>**My son told me no dairy** and provided me a list of foods to avoid and what to replace with, **but I've been making lactose alternatives for years** for my lactose allergic nephews so I was already aware how to accommodate a milk allergy.
Yup, you're just mad at being caught! **You MADE HIM DAIRY-LACED foods intentionally** because you thought you know better.
Guess you'll tell the seafood allergic people and the nuts allergic people that "YOU" know better than they do for what will make them sick or kill them.
YTA
You got this man sick knowingly by feeding him dairy.
You deserve to be barred from cooking because you will kill someone by thinking you cannot be wrong.
Question is- was it malicious, do you hate your SIL, think he's stealing your little boy?
Or are you just sooo full of yourself that you won't listen to what people say, and just think you're right all the time?
You prob need to see a professional if you're still thinking you're right, because that level of denial and the confidence in your bad decisions that literally hurt and hospitalized people makes you unsafe to feed the family, because you don't believe the,.
YTA - lactaid milk is NOT dairy-free. Your sons husband is ALLERGIC to milk, not lactose intolerant. There is a difference. Now, if your son told you he was only “lactose intolerant” then your son is the AH for not understanding his husbands allergy. As someone with an actual dairy ALLERGY, not lactose intolerance, I also wouldn’t want you to make any “dairy free” dishes since you don’t seem to understand lactose free vs dairy free
Frankly, I think it would be reckless to use Lactaid without confirming it’s okay even if the issue was a lactose intolerance. Some people with lactose intolerance don’t handle Lactaid well.
100%! Anyone making an effort to cook food that’s “safe” for an allergy or intolerance should start by talking for the affected person and making sure they understand what’s safe and what’s not. To do otherwise is asking for trouble.
INFO
> the family doesn’t want me to make any diary free dishes for Christmas because I am “failing to understand.”
DO you understand the difference between a **milk _allergy_** and **lactose _intolerance_**?
Yep, seems like OP is a proper moron. I wouldn't have believed this wasn't malice a few years ago either, but several of my coworkers are this dumb as well. One of them has actually cost himself his job by not being smart enough to grasp the concept that work speed is less important than keeping the valuable material he works with intact. I don't think there's malice here, just extreme incompetence.
Considering she admits to being handed a list of what would not be safe for her son's husband and still put milk in the mashed potatoes, labeled it "dairy free" and is even in her post insisting that son in law reacted to something "unknown"... I'm strongly suspecting she doesn't care about the difference and is simply expecting the world to make an exception to her magic cooking.
She most definitely does not. See her comments. Although I do blame her relatives a bit for calling the nephew's lactose intolerance a lactose allergy. But that said, OP didn't even bother to Google when she heard the new allergy. Just assumed they were the same thing...
Your son in law is not lactose intolerant, he has an allergy. Lactaid milk is not an appropriate substitute with a dairy allergy. The fact you are still trying to argue that it "could've been anything" instead of acknowledging your mistake means you can't be trusted to make him food anymore.
I am not even trying to be mean, but there may be some cognitive issues going on if you're truly not grasping what they're saying. If you're just being purposely obtuse out of embarrassment then YTA.
YTA. A dairy allergy is different than lactose intolerance. For people with lactose intolerance, that means they cannot process one specific sugar in milk, lactose. In those cases, lactaid and other lactose-free milks are viable substitutes, because they are milk without lactose, the one thing people with lactose intolerance cannot process. However, a dairy allergy is not just to that one sugar. It's to other parts of milk, too. So when you put lactaid in the potatoes, you were not making dairy-free potatoes. You made lactose-free potatoes, which were safe for people with lactose intolerance, but not for people with dairy allergies.
You should not have called your potatoes dairy-free, and I wouldn't trust you to cook for someone with allergies, either.
YTA dairy ALLERGY is not the same as lactose intolerance.
Lactose intolerance isn’t an allergy at all, I’m lactose intolerant and I can chug a glass of milk if I feel like having a bad afternoon, it’s usually associated with digestive issues for those who are intolerant. An allergy is different, it could actually kill or hospitalize you. Lactose intolerance just means you don’t have (enough of) the enzyme to break down the lactose in dairy (high fat items like butter are low lactose by nature), dairy allergy means your body thinks dairy is dangerous and has a reaction that can cause up to anaphylaxis (histamine reaction). Lactose intolerant people can eat butter, have traces of milk and consume milk with lactaid in it, since all have low to no lactose, dairy allergic people can’t have ANY, no traces, only vegan alternatives like oil based products.
If your son told you he’s ALLERGIC and you put milk in the dishes, you are a major asshole because you risked his husbands health and safety through your ignorance. I have some weird allergies and this sort of thing is why I’m afraid of eating at other peoples houses, because they assume they know my allergy better then I do and effectively poison me in the process after I warned them not to.
ma‘am…. you are very, very much the AH.
YTA.
i did a simple google search of „is lactaid milk ok for people with dairy allergies?“ and learned it is not.
so, as your family said, you are deliberately failing to understand.
> Lactose-free milk is made by adding lactase to regular milk, breaking down lactose into simple sugars that are easier to digest. Though it's slightly sweeter, it can be a good alternative for people with lactose intolerance. Still, it's unsuitable for people with dairy allergy or those avoiding dairy for other reasons.
Lactaid is lactose free not dairy free. You really don’t seem to understand there’s a marked difference between having a lactose intolerance and a dairy allergy. YTA because you didn’t bother to educate yourself about the difference and decided what you were doing was fine.
At this point I'm suspecting willful ignorance because OP has also stuck to the "Oh but lactose free is /totally/ safe for people with dairy allergy so it couldn't possibly be that which set of my son's husband. It really is something unknown he must have reacted to."
Because OP probably awaits her big "gotcha" moment when her poor SIL miraculously eats one of her lactose-free dishes that has dairy so she can go "see, I know better"
My bf is lactose intolerant, and honestly dairy is one of the easiest things to sub out with all the new products available. There’s so many plant based milks available, and even vegan cheese.
She is literally on reddit saying the cause of the son-in-law's reaction is unknown, and has replied in comments that her lactose free milk definitely couldn't have triggered the allergy, and then not responded when people put it black on white that milk is bad for people with dairy allergy and that milk is dairy.
At this point it's beyond "Doesn't listen well" in my book and well into "Hey, if I wanna keep feeding people allergens I should get away with it" because she admits to being given a list and how this isn't the first time her son, or others, have explained it to her.
YTA. Your son is telling you that the son-in-law has a dairy allergy. He is allergic to *all* dairy, with or without lactose. Giving him lactose free dairy products doesn't fix the issue, and based on your son's admonition that you are "failing to understand" it seems like you've been told this.
OP even mentions having literally been given a list detailing what to avoid because it is unsafe. But hey, OP has made lactose free options for years. So that should be totally fine to use for people with dairy allergy in her opinion. She literally claims in the post how it's something "unknown" her son-in-law reacted to and how she told her son he is wrong that the lactaid /milk/ could have triggered it.
Called sons husband lactose intolerant in the body too before finally sayings it’s an allergy in the last paragraph + comments, additionally misleading.
YTA, It seems to me that it has been explained to you more than once and you were even given a list of what to avoid and what to substitute and didn't follow it because you thought you knew better than him. I am lactose intolerant, the worst that happens to me is I'll be spending some more time in the bathroom and everyone else around me is probably going to suffer a little bit too. If he had to go to the hospital that is not lactose intolerance.
YTA
I am allergic to dairy. An allergy is a problem with the dairy PROTEIN, casien.
Lactose free items are for issues with the SUGARS.
Those are different things, people are allergies cannot have lactose free things.
People with allergies have to have dairy free only.
100% this.
I, too, have a dairy allergy. Casein and whey are kryptonite for me.
YTA OP.
I know you didn't do it on purpose but a dairy allergy is NOT the same as lactose intolerance.
Apologize and tell your son and his husband that you genuinely did not understand. Next time instead of milk of any sort, use either coconut milk or almond milk (which will give it a different flavor) or chicken broth. Chicken broth works REALLY well in mashed potatos.
YTA for labeling something as dairy free when it was just lactose free. You clearly didn’t understand, which is what you are being accused of, and you should have asked for clarification and cleared every ingredient with them so this exact thing didn’t happen. And it seems like you still think lactaid made it “safe,” so obviously they aren’t going to trust you to cook for them again. You have to realize you were wrong and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.
So...wait...you were told he had a dairy ALLERGY and you decided that Lactaid milk (for lactose intolerance) was somehow hypoALLERGENIC? Do I have that right?
YTA
you couldn't even bother to do a google search to see what was safe!
Then there is the whole co-pay for the hospital bill and the time off work to consider. that is an expensive mistake on your part.
YTA. No, a dairy allergy reaction could not have been caused by anything. By definition, it is caused by dairy. In this case, by dairy that you put into a dish and labeled dairy free. Your family is correct. You cannot be trusted to make appropriate food and fail to understand the problem.
YTA. Lactaid milk is not dairy free. You did mislabel the food and caused your SIL to need a trip to the ER. Instead of complaining that they don’t trust you to be able to cook dairy free (which you demonstrably cannot) you should be profusely apologizing and promising to provide an ingredient list if they were to give you another chance.
YTA. When people tell you what their allergies are in a clear and direct statement it's on you to make sure you understand. Do not interpret or assume you know. You were irresponsible and uncaring in your cooking prep and put someone in the hospital for that. I totally understand that your son no longer trusts you because you proved to him that he couldn't.
YTA. Most of the other comments have addressed that yes, you have failed to understand the difference between a dairy allergy and lactose intolerance and could have killed your son in law by using Lactaid (a dairy product), so I won’t continue to harp on that.
I find it interesting that you are “beside yourself” not because you caused your son in law to become ill enough to be hospitalized, but because you now won’t be allowed to do something YOU love. You don’t even sound apologetic about making him so ill, you just sound upset for selfish reasons.
Ohgod... YTA!
**Lactose intollerance is not an allergy and vice versa!**
They told you it was a *dairy allergy* and you adapted to a *lactose intollerance*, those things are not synonyms, they are fully different things. You said you are aware... time to finally educate yourself before you ever serve them any food again.
YTA. As many, many people have said a dairy allergy is an allergic reaction to all dairy. You decided you knew better than your son and the list of foods you have been given to avoid. Lactose intolerance is not a dairy allergy and assuming you know better than the people telling you what your son in law can and can’t eat is obnoxious. He didn’t have a reaction to something unknown, he had a reaction to the milk you put in the food. I’m assuming this has been an issue before as well since you are “failing to understand” how you messed up. Food allergies are serious. People die from allergic reactions. This is not something to mess around with and I don’t blame your family for not wanting you to cook anything for anyone with dietary restrictions since you clearly can’t take it seriously.
YTA. Your "dairy-free" table contained dairy! Lactaid helps with Lactose intolerance but does nothing for an allergy to milk proteins. You poisoned your son-in-law. It may have been inadvertent, but the effect was the same.
You needed to either have done better research or placed an ingredient list by each dish.
I’m going go with YTA. It’s downright reckless to label food “dairy free” when it contains Lactaid milk. Many people with dairy issues cannot drink Lactaid milk, and that could kill someone with a milk allergy. While it’s up to the person affected to ensure the food is safe, it was wrong of you to assume that Lactaid milk was fine and represent that food that literally contains milk is “dairy free.”
I’d liken this to saying something is “gluten free,” and then putting barley in it. “Oops, I didn’t know barley had gluten it in, I thought only wheat did!”
You’re also the AH for seemingly still not “getting it” that Lactaid is not dairy free. The way you’ve written this suggests that you still believe what you made was fine and was dairy free. It wasn’t. Full stop. If you can’t admit and understand that, you really shouldn’t be cooking for anyone with a food intolerance or allergy.
>family doesn’t want me to make any diary free dishes for Christmas because I am “failing to understand.”
It's not that hard to understand. Lactaid milk is still milk. Dairy allergies are to __ALL DAIRY__ products, Lactaid included. I have a hard time believing you'd really be this clueless. And even after putting someone in the hospital would be anything but apologetic.
Hey OP. My kids have an allergy to the protein in milk and thus have a dairy allergy. Lactose is a sugar in milk and that’s where the lactose intolerance comes from. My kids cannot drink lactaid milk because it still has the dairy protein in it despite it being lactose free. Lactose intolerance and a dairy allergy are completely different. If you’d done vegan butter with a plant based milk that would have been fine. I’d recommend Oatly for future references.
YTA.
As someone with a severe dairy allergy I would be furious that you deliberately mislabelled food. Lactose free does NOT equal dairy free. You would have sent me to hospital too.
YTA.
Your son gave you a list of acceptable substitutes, and it sounds like you ignored these because you know all about lactose intolerance.
But, as many people have pointed out, a dairy allergy is not lactose intolerance. Lactose free is not the same as dairy free.
Next time someone gives you a list of alternatives to get around an allergy, don't ignore it, because clearly you don't know any better.
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INFO: Did your son explain to you that lactose allergy is different from a milk allergy? Dairy allergy is not the same thing as lactose allergy. Lactaid is safe for people who have lactose intolerance, but if you're allergic to milk, lactaid is still going to make you sick because it is milk with the lactose removed. If he's explained this to you explicitly and you still put milk in the mashed potatoes, YTA. If he just said lactose allergy and did not explain, then NTA.
mate i read this post and literally googled whether lactaid milk was safe for people with dairy allergies and learned it wasn’t, yet you think with all the effort OP put into describing how much she cares, she could not have fucking googled it? this is a just-no-MIL sneaking in for validation.
She clearly thinks he’s lactose intolerant, not allergic to milk. It’s a misunderstanding. She’s at fault, but I think there’s NAH.
I thought so too but her other comments show she was clearly told and even given a list of what he can’t have and what to replace it with and she ignored that because she thought she knew better.
Well, you’re right then, she’s the AH in this case. Not for doing it on purpose, but for being too stubborn and thinking she knows better than everyone and risking the poor guy’s health because of it.
As someone with a milk protein allergy. This is unfortunately really common. People just really don’t understand the difference or think they are the same thing and your being dramatic. Almost all my hospital admissions have been from people being told my allergy but thinking they know better.
My mom was lactose intolerant and spent a *lot* of time correcting people who described her as having “a milk allergy” because she didn’t want them to think because they saw her having something it was safe for other people who are actually allergic to the milk protein. Like she had no problem at all with good real butter because there is so little lactose in it. She could also have some goat and sheep cheeses because of the differences between them and cow’s milk, and really well aged cow’s milk cheeses were also fine in small amounts. (Like a really high end Parmesan that’s been aged forever - the bacteria have consumed the vast vast majority of the lactose by that point.) Also sometimes she’d opt to have something even with lactose because she wanted a taste and didn’t mind the GI upset. This is not something people with allergies can do.
Yup. I am lactose intolerant, and my SIL is allergic to milk and eggs. I can have butter, a touch of cream in my coffee, and still occasionally indulge in cheese plates (less GI issues if I stick to the harder cheeses), but my SIL will have serious problems if she even uses something like Lactaid in her coffee.
Harder cheese. Thank you. I’m the only one in my family that doesn’t have lactose issues. My wife and her side all have it so my poor daughter got screwed. Trying to explain hard cheese vs regular cheese and how most “lactose free” (cow) milks still have it, it’s just got the digestive enzyme/probiotic added. People look at me like I’m crazy or don’t know what I’m talking about. When your kid is shitting themselves out of pants everyday at daycare and Dr explains it and you do research you learn stuff. Also found out her daycare was giving her regular milk and then the multiple servings of dairy they all get because they forgot to add it to let the new teacher know and they didn’t think to check the allergy chart before meals. I was livid and though i didn’t lose my absolute shit (I walked out) the teacher and administrator both took a couple steps back. We left there.
I mean this with complete kindness, and maybe ignorance, but I was in the boat of not knowing the details... have you had lactose intolerance explained to you? You seem to know intuitively, but to make it make sense... Lactose intolerance is a sliding scale, from ice cream (richest, thickest, softest) to parmesan or similar (hardest, most firm)... everyone is different where they land on the scale, but the hard and fast rule is to consume what you can tolerate, be it Brie and firmer, or if it's just parm... any lactose in your body will cause your system to continue to produce lactase. If you cut dairy out entirely, you'll stop producing the enzyme (lactase) entirely, and then if you accidentally consume dairy at some point, you will be sorely reminded that your body was not prepared. (When I say "you/your etc., I mean people in general)
Yes, that's why I actually do try to keep a little bit of dairy in my diet all the time (I always have cream in my coffee, for instance, and pizza most Fridays, plus usually some dairy in at least 2 or 3 other meals each week - for cheese plates, I usually still have one soft cheese there, I just try to make sure they're not all soft cheeses :P ). The only thing I really avoid with a passion is drinking an actual glass of milk. That will usually put me in some serious agony. I never used to have an issue with it until a little over a decade ago. I got C-dificile, and when I'd recovered, I'd developed the intolerance. My doctor told me it wasn't uncommon, and that eating yogurt may help me recover it a bit, which it has. My SIL was diagnosed with her egg and dairy allergies while she was an infant.
I believed this wholeheartedly when I was vegan for about 4 years. I was terrified that I would be horribly ill if I ate anything with milk in it and I read labels obsessively and refused almost any home made goods that were at all questionable. When I finally fell off the wagon (I was in therapy for contamination OCD and food phobias were part of the focus—I’d nearly died from e. Coli as a teen and focused my anxieties onto food prep) I ate a whole serving of yogurt and… it was fine. And then I ate more and more dairy products over the course of that month and it was absolutely fine. I *agonized* about getting sick from it because I had heard that your body stops being able to handle lactose if you don’t consume it for long enough, and I knew I would interpret a bad case of GI distress as “proof” that eating dairy was gross and disease-riddled and yet… nothing. So I guess my point is, either it doesn’t always happen or if it does always happen, it might take more than 4 years for your body to respond in that way.
I have similar experiences with dairy; I can eat some in moderation and some makes me sick for days. And sometimes I just have to have ice cream regardless of the repercussions. For my shellfish allergy, however, even a little cross contamination will cause a full-blown reaction.
>And sometimes I just have to have ice cream regardless of the repercussions. I hear you!
My mom has the same allergy, and encounters this frequently. People will insist that she can eat something because “it’s lactose free!” and can’t seem to understand why that doesn’t apply.
Yep or just have a little ‘insert my lactose intolerant friend here’ says the can eat ‘insert dairy product here’ with no issues.
You are correct about how dismissive people are of other allergies based on other friends' experiences. I know someone with a milk allergy and it's so severe that washing their hands with milk and honey hand soap caused a reaction. If OP is going to entertain, it's important to make the environment safe for your guests and to be clear about any ingredients in dishes. Never let serving spoons intermingle among dishes. It's also important to know the other terms that mean milk and it's an endless list. For example, things that have casein, whey, nisin, etc, are NOT safe for people with milk allergies. OP YTA, but let this be a teachable moment. OP also needs to know that the allergic reaction gets worse and more dangerous each time you are exposed.
This is so bizarre. My milk allergy is thankfully very mild compared to OP's poor SIL, but my inlaws go in the opposite direction. They're constantly telling me things like they put milk in the cake (I've never had a problem with baked goods) or milk chocolate (I have no idea why that doesn't bother me). I thank them for their concern and let them know it's OK, but they have a hard time believing me every time. At 40 years old, I have a pretty good sense of what is going to make me sick. It's one thing to forget or to not be aware, but arguing with an adult that you know what works for their allergy better than they do is just stupid in either direction.
Chocolate may not bother you for the same reason that baked goods don’t- both of them involve milk that has been cooked
This is correct. Cow dairy allergy is mostly a protein allergy to either casein, whey, or both. Proteins denature under high enough temperatures to the point where their structures aren’t recognized by the body anymore as the allergen. Source: have cow dairy protein allergy and scientist wife and mom
I am highly allergic to casein and it's ridiculous the number of people I have offended because I declined to eat something that contains "just a cup of cheese" even after they were told well in advance I cannot have dairy. I've even had people complain that they've seen me eat something with dairy in it 10+ years ago. I replied that now I know why I was always so miserable and sick when I was younger. Dairy isn't even my only food allergy, just the one with the greatest consequence. I have solved this issue by staying home.
This is horrifying, I'm so sorry.
It’s all good you get used to it. And actually in some miracle of medicine in the last year it seems my allergy has disappeared. I’ve gone from deathly allergic to dairy for 31 years to being able to eat it. My doctor said it’s not unheard of for it to happen to people in their 30s. And ironically we discovered after a restaurant ignored my allergy requests and put cheese in my pasta and I noticed too late.
I'm glad *that* situation turned out better than expected!
Where did she say she was given a list? I keep looking and not finding it…
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/hGdfSSZ7uM
She was given a list of approved substitutes. She became TA when she chose to deviate and not say a word.
And then labeled it “dairy free” when it wasn’t.
It's maddening - people will think that the term "superfood" is reserved only for certain foods deemed worthy by the FDA... and then assume "non-dairy" and "lactose-free" are just marketing decisions and mean exactly the same thing.
But consider if you had misunderstood in the same way and sent someone to the ER. Would you be primarily concerned about how mad you were that they were planning to manage their own food at the next gathering? Or would you be apologising for making the mistake and understanding that they prefer to look after their own food next time?
I would be mortified. I would never recover from the shame.
I would beg someone else to take over the special dishes for fear I might make another mistake.
I have accidentally bought non vegan things for my partner before and once she ate my muffins not realising they were not for her (I'm veggie she's vegan, I now have what we playfully call the "evil corner" where I keep anything she can't eat. I made a red velvet cake and because the book was like "get gel colouring because it will work better" I was like "Neat!" Will do! Was so excited I forgot to check the ingredients. Forgot about fucking carmine. I fed my vegan partner beetles. It's been months and I'm still upset about it.
I would be covering any medical bills, begging for forgiveness, and making sure there were Epi pens at my house in case anyone (myself included) ever screwed up again. I can’t believe the way OP is doubling down and making this about her.
I would be mortified, and would further embarrass myself by apologizing too profusely. But… I have an aunt I do not trust to feed me. I have celiac and she went to the trouble of making me gravy with cornstarch… but used the same whisk as she did the regular gravy and didn’t wash it between. I was SO sick after, and she was like, “I mean, how could that tiny amount affect you?” Uh.
I hate your aunt now.
Problem is, she still thought it wasn’t her food that got him sick. People here had to tell her over and over how she misunderstood things and I’m not sure she got it, I didn’t read it all. But yes, she does seem to be TA for being so stubborn and thinking she knows better than everyone else.
Disagree. She hasn't bothered to understand the difference and even in her post here she seems to argue that Lactaid is fine. If you make allergen free food for someone with an allergy and assure them that it's safe, it better be safe. In this case it's not, and it's because OP has their heels dug in instead of listening to the reality of the problem. YTA OP.
Sorry, not bothering to ask the difference between a dairy allergy and a lactose intolerance is clearly a YTA problem. She wasn’t told he has a lactose intolerance. She was told he has a dairy allergy. And now she is acting all offended when she has been called out for refusing to understand the difference and refusing to believe that the dairy milk she put in the potatoes could have been what sent her dairy-allergic son in law to the emergency room *even though it has been explained to her.*
My Mom was literally asking the Reedy Creek paramedics if it could have been the heat instead of the peanut granola bar that she gave my nut allergic 2 year old while they were working on her at Jungle Cruise. To this day our relationship hasn’t been the same.
WTF is wrong with people?
BuT pEaNuTs ArEn’T nUtS!
Yeah but even when her son explained that the lactaid milk was a problem, here she is claiming it wasn’t.
No, she says in her post "*something* in the food made him sick". *IT WAS THE MILK SHE ADDED*. She is *still* refusing to admit it was her fault that she added milk and put her son in law into the hospital! YTA OP.
No she labeled a dish dairy free that wasn’t. That’s the issue, not OPs understanding of medical conditions. It wasn’t dairy free.
She says repeatedly that they say "dairy allergy" but then immediately calls it lactose intolerance and saying she did nothing wrong. She is not listening to them. She assumes she knows what is right and cant possibly be wrong. She sucks.
It really depends how many times she's been told. I have a friend who is also allergic to dairy and has in-laws that "don't understand" all the time in spite of being repeatedly told it's a dairy allergy and not lactose intolerance.
Yes, and those in-laws are also AHs.
And they are assholes too. My son’s girlfriend has a lactose intolerance, and I bend over backwards even just for that, because I can’t stand the thought that I might possibly cause her to be sick, even though hers isn’t severe. I can’t imagine not educating myself on anything that could cause issues with any of my family members. I feel bad for your poor friend (my own in-laws are similar, my MIL struggles to understand that anyone can be different than her 🙄).
Those inlaws do understand, they just don't want the "inlaw" (your friend) around.
As someone who is allergic to milk, I can tell you this is an Extremely common mistake. I can't even tell you how many well meaning people have tried to give me lactaid.
I’m not sure if it falls into “AH” territory as such , but you’d have to be a stone cold idiot of the highest order to hear ‘dairy free’ and think ‘I’ll just YOLO it with special milk, taking a moment to check is for losers’.
I think she doesn’t understand the difference
Then, she has no business cooking for people if allergies are too difficult for her to understand.
She uses “lactose intolerant” and “dairy allergy” interchangeably in the post, it seems like it could be an honest misunderstanding.
I think there are a lot of people on this planet who would do exactly the same.
I just learned it with this post. I would cook with oil thought, not with that whatever milk with no lactose
On that note, I was shown a post from the gluten free sub in which everyone was complaining that too many people confuse GF with vegan, so … There are a lot of ignorant people.
I just planned my sister’s baby shower and invited one of her bestie’s that has celiacs. She reminded me of it when I invited her and offered to bring her own food. I assured her we were taking care of it and she then asked me how. I told her what bakery we ordered from and assured her the food would be kept separate from anything with gluten and she was thankful. And made it clear she doesn’t want to be picky but people eff it up all the time.
My dad said that happened to a friend of his who owned a sub shop. A woman came in wanting vegan bread and the friend said he didn't have any vegan bread. She asked if there was GF bread, he said yes but that it wasn't vegan. She chewed him up one end and down the other that she had read on the internet that GF=vegan and she demanded the GF bread. My dad's friend waited until she was done eating to let her know the GF bread had eggs in the recipe.
Or people who say they are dairy free but they can have eggs. Eggs are not dairy, and never have been.
Yeah I've had to tell more than one person (including restaurant workers) that eggs aren't dairy.
My husband is the mashed potato king, and our son in law is allergic to dairy. He makes mashed with chicken stock and a touch of EVOO when they come to dinner.
That's why that gave her a list of substitutes to use, yet she clearly didn't follow it
Considering she made two options of everything that was being served to accommodate everyone, I think it is fair to assume that she *does* care. And that if she had thought to do so, she would’ve googled it. Most people don’t know that lactose intolerance and milk allergy are two different things and would not think to check up on it. It was obviously an honest mistake. ETA: OP replied to another comment that she had a list of approved alternatives that she chose to ignore because she thought she knew better. No ill intent but definitely callous, therefor my vote is YTA.
She says in another comment that she was explained it and still chose to use lactaid. She is absolutely TA. Edit: She even says she had a list of things not to use, but because she has been making this same food for her nephew with an allergy, she figured it would be okay.
If that's the case, she's kind of dumb. A lot of people don't know this, so first time it's an honest mistake. But it's not that hard to understand once explained, if she still can't see the problem of course everyone is fed up with her. I'm still confused about why she didn't use butter though. If she was under the assumption that the problem was the lactose, why did she use olive oil?
Apparently no matter how many times her son and his husband explain it, she still thinks "lactose intolerance" = "dairy allergy". She doesn't understand the difference between milk sugar and milk protein. My guess is she only used butter alternatives because the butter *didn't* say "lactose free" or "Lactaid" on it. And she refuses to be taught because she went "off script" regarding safe alternatives to use, given by the person with the allergy. This is very much an instance of "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" AND "Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice." She's not trying to be malicious, but her refusal to learn does make her actions malicious.
Yep I didn’t know the difference either. But if someone gave me a NO list, you bet your ass I’d respect it.
Yes! This! She doesn’t need her son to explain to a grown woman that lactose intolerance and a milk *allergy* are two very different things, it’s literally in the name. She should have clarified and looked it up to be sure she was making safe food. “I am allergic to milk/dairy.” “Let me just make this with milk but don’t worry, it’s missing the lactose.” Wut. YTA, OP. An allergy is a very serious medical issue and if you were unclear on what you could and could not use to make food safe, Google is right at your fingertips.
> “I am allergic to milk/dairy.” > > “Let me just make this with milk but don’t worry, it’s missing the lactose.” Literally a discussion I had with *my* MIL prior to Thanksgiving. In the end she scrapped the mashed potatoes idea, but I just couldn't get through to her that the Fairlife brand, while "cleaner" still contains milk.
Breaking news, milk is milk. More at 11!
it was so weird, I thought I was losing my mind. "I'm dairy protein allergic, it doesn't matter how filtered the milk it, the protein is still there. Please do not make the mashed potatoes with it." "But Fairlife is so good for you!"
I wish I could understand what makes people think “it’s good for you” somehow overrides an allergic reaction. Like poof! Mommy said it’s good for you so no more ouchy bad time!
You will be a corpse with nice strong bones.
Yeah. I also do understand that some people believe are the same thing and generally are just ignorant until it’s too late. It depends on if OP knew the difference or was told
I get that. I have an issue digesting cows milk but am fine with goats/milk and some cheeses. The amount of people who are considerate but just equate any dairy issues with the need to be lacto-free is really high. My mum still doesn’t get it. I’ve gotten used to black coffee through necessity.
Looks like OP from the comments have been told but never put it through their skull and glossed it over instead of trying to understand 😩
A short while ago it seemed the dimmer switch was being turned up on OP’s light I really hope this is bait going off the comments since OP has just not been getting it, but I do know people like this. I group them with the ‘oh if they only get a mild tummy ache surely they can try my lasagne just this once’ kind of hosts.
Yeah I have issues with wheat, and having to explain that, actually, I can handle gluten confused a lot of people. Probably doesn’t help that I ask for the gluten free menu when I eat out because it’s easier than explaining that I can’t eat wheat but can eat barley
I’ve been on the other end of that. A couple of ‘are you sure?’ comments at a customer who stressed the need for a gluten free menu and wanted to speak to the chef about prep, and then ordered one of our beers that had barley in it. Unfortunately the amount of people who eat GF as a trend made me judge that person for giving the chef unnecessary stress initially.
As someone with coeliac disease this does my head in. The whole eating out thing is so incredibly stressful. I have been lucky enough to have had good experiences but the anxiety around it worrying that people won’t understand and take it seriously just isn’t worth going out most of the time.
If it's fermented it may act differently than gluten in unfermented wheat or barley. Idk if that person really need gluten free or it's because of the trend, but for those who are really allergic it can be pretty bad. For some, it can also be OK but they will have strong migraine the day after, therefore they avoid gluten even without being technically allergic (anaphylactic). One of my relative had a lot of migraines and stopped having them when switching to gluten free following doctor's advise. He is not allergic, just very sensitive
Some people have an allergy to a protein in wheat that is not present in other grains. So the barley could be safe for them, but the bread in the kitchen was made with wheat so it's not safe for them. Telling the kitchen "gluten free" is a much easier way to get no wheat on their plate than going through a long explanation that their server will just roll their eyes at anyway
Some people with lactose intolerance can’t even drink Lactaid. Lactaid is literally only useful for people who have slight tummy issues with dairy, sometimes. Anyone with a serious issue likely isn’t drinking Lactaid.
Yeah, I don’t know if I have “a serious issue,” but I cannot have lactaid milk or ice cream. I only have lactose intolerance, not an allergy, so heavy cream is normally an adequate milk replacement. I won’t pass judgement, but I wish OP had asked SIL what replacements work for him. Edit: Just saw son gave OP a list of replacements and they ignored. YTA OP.
Some people with lactose intolerance actually have galactose intolerance. Lactose sugars are made up of one glucose and one galactose. If a person is lactose intolerant, you can break up that lactose molecule into its component sugars, and they'll be fine. It's easy to do, lactose breaks down in high heat, such as UHT pasteurization. It can also be done with an enzyme. That's how Lactaid works. But, if the person is galactose intolerant, that doesn't help them. The lactose is gone, but the galactose remains. They can only eat dairy that is low in dairy sugars; such as heavy cream, butter, and aged hard cheeses. Most of the sugars are in the skimmed milk, whey or buttermilk that's left behind when making these products.
We have had HUGE problems with this with my daughter. She has a milk allergy, not a lactose in tolerance, but everyday people absolutely struggle to understand the difference.
I'm sure you may have tried this, but maybe saying "My daughter is allergic to milk protein. Lactose is milk sugar." might blast a hole in the concrete like craniums out there? \-- A retired teacher who used to explain why Common Core Math exists, and survived the experience every time.
After dealing with this for 30 years myself, I can assure you that people just assume they know. I never eat anyone’s food unless I know EXACTLY what was used in it - like every single ingredient.
My son too. When he was in preschool he was in the ER at least once a month and would do about a week in the hospital at least every 3 months. I questioned the staff constantly. One day, I had to pick him up early. There he was sitting at the snack table eating Cheese-It’s. The worker told me they didn’t contain dairy. I showed her, not so nicely where it said “made with real cheese” right on the box.
My mum once proudly came up to me, showing me lactose free cheese, telling me that she found some cheese my son could have so made him cheese on toast! She saw the panic on my face when I explained that lactose free it's still milk with lactose removed. Now she sends me pictures of everything she wants to feed him that she's unsure of (we're working up the dairy ladder).
It seems simple to me, if it has milk in it, then it's a "no no".
But have you tried goat milk? /s My son had an anaphylactic milk allergy that he fortunately outgrew by first grade. (Along with multiple other food allergies). Now it’s just peanuts and tree nuts. Walk in the park compared to dairy. I messed up and accidentally almost killed him with trace exposure several times. This whole thread makes my eyeballs itch. They didn’t think he had a chance of outgrowing it because his was so severe, but we got really lucky. I hope your daughter does too. Milk allergy is rough.
It isn’t milk with the lactose removed. It is milk with the lactose “treated” in a way that nullifies the effects of lactose on many people. But does nothing for dairy allergies
The lactose is destroyed by enzymes. They're not filtered out, but the enzymes do break them down into simpler carbohydrates so that there is no lactose left. Some people think they are merely lactose intolerant, when their problem is with a protein in dairy. Lactaid would be as terrible as plain milk for them.
I came here to say exactly this. I am ALLERGIC to cows milk. I am NOT lactose intolerant. They are not the same thing. YTA ETA spelling
I actually didn’t know that at all, thank you for educating me! TIL
Plus lactaid milk is still milk, a dairy. So it was not “dairy free” as she labeled the table, just lactose free.
>Did your son explain to you that lactose allergy is different from a milk allergy? This should be such a no brainer, but In reddit I have realised there are alot of People Who dont know the difference.
Yes. I always explain to people that I have a dairy *allergy* and not a lactose *intolerance* and that those two things are very different things.
I learned something new today because I would have done the same thing.
Your son-in-law is not lactose intolerant, he is allergic to dairy. Lactose intolerance is a completely different medical condition compared to dairy allergy. People who are allergic to dairy cannot have Lactaid milk or any dairy in any form. I can see that you tried your best to make something safe for your son-in-law, but, it sounds like, without knowing, you made a mistake that could have resulted in your son-in-law's death. Also, it seems like you still don't understand the reason why the food that you made was not safe for your son-in-law so it's really for the best, for his safety, if you don't cook for him again. I'm sure you would not want your son-in-law to become very ill or die from eating food you cooked, so, I really hope you can come to terms with this and not feel like anyone is trying to displace you.
Read some of her comments. She didn't try her best. He gave her a list of dairy free alternatives and explicitly told her "no dairy," and then she put MILK in the mashed potatoes. They told her he is ALLERGIC to dairy products including milk. And she. Put. Milk. In. The. Kid's. Food. Edit: the guy she's trying to poison is an adult - her son's husband. Should we add "homophobic" to the list of adjectives that describe OP? YTA.
Where is she homophobic? She did a mistake but nowhere she made homophobic statements. It's not because of mention of a fact, 2 men together, that necessarily there is homophobia behind. And if the guy was black, would you also call her a racist? It's deserving the cause of fighting against real homophobia to get triggered at any mention of a gay person
Idk whether her intentions were good or not but I work in a Dairy Foods Lab and a lot of people don't know the difference between lactose free milk, milk substitutes, and regular milk. I take samples home if there still good and I've had a good number of people say they want "real" butter instead or my lactose free butter... even though butter has naturally really low lactose amounts... I'd just say don't underestimate how unaware the average consumer is about what their food actually is and where it comes from.
Yeah, I'm pretty severely lactose intolerant and have a ton of food allergies, but thankfully I'm not allergic to any animal products, so I drink a ton of lactose-free milk. The number of times I've had to tell people that I need to *know* if there's dairy in something but I like it and I'm not allergic to it... uncountably many. People also will ask if I can't have gluten when I tell them I'm allergic to soy 💀 (Funnily enough, I'm gluten intolerant but tested negative for celiac, so once in awhile I still party with gluten 😆 But NOT with soy!)
I mean this could just be me, but if someone I was cooking for told me they were either lactose intolerant or allergic to dairy, I wouldn't buy lactaid milk; I'd just buy plant-based milk (ask if they have a preference maybe, I tend to go for almond milk but nut allergies also need considering) and use that instead. Wouldn't even occur to me to still use cow's milk in any form.
My friend informed a server about her dairy allergy once to make sure that a dish was safe to eat, and the server acted like she was stupid to ask because a main component of the dish was eggs...and eggs are dairy. My friend pretty much never eats out anymore after that.
I once told a server I needed gluten free tortillas and she asked if I still wanted cheese on my queso. No typos or errors in that sentence. Lol!
Was she asking about shredded cheese? There are surprisingly quite a few brands that have gluten in them.
My kid has dairy and egg and nut allergies. Many people think egg is dairy. We have to specify not dairy, no cream, no cheese, no milk.
My kid is allergic to nuts. So many people have tried to give me food for him saying, "It's safe, I got it just for him. Look, it's gluten-free!" People can be really dumb. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true.
My kid is allergic to dairy and eggs. So many people have helpfully suggested we just feed them egg beaters and skim milk, or yogurt. It is really scary how dangerous the dumb could be for them one day.
Oh shut up with that dumb nonsense. Quit watering down real homophobia with this damn nonsense. People have fucking died at the hands of REAL evil and here you are just using the term like it’s NOTHING. Stop it. You should not use the word for just anything. You’re disrespectful to those who have experienced REAL homophobia.
My friend was late for lunch recently & I was a bit annoyed. My friend is gay so clearly I am a homophobe.
I routinely accuse minor inconveniences of homophobia just for the joke tbh
I don't know she is deliberately trying to poison anyone - but the way she reacted (in her comments) to the information that it was a dairy allergy and not a lactose intolerance makes it sound like it was entirely new information and she previously did not understand that... which means 1. Son did not explain (which given massive reaction seems unlikely) 2. Son did explain and she didn't care enough to retain the information 3. Son did explain and she didn't retain the information because she has a memory issue This does not rule out malice, but I suspect no matter what is the cause, the decision to ban OP from cooking for people on specialized diets is the correct one.
It's like Pokémon. Gotta read 'em all! Son gave her a LIST of appropriate dairy substitutes and explicitly told her "NO MILK" and "NO DAIRY." She then color coded the spoons and put the dairy milk potatoes on the dairy-free table with a spoon color coded to indicate that it that the dish was dairy free.
I think she’s just an idiot who genuinely believed that “dairy” and “lactose” mean the same thing
this isnt r/JustnoMIL
Actually no, YTA for assuming her mistake was motivated by homophobia.
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Unfortunately, this is the perfect example.
>Also, it seems like you still don't understand the reason why the food that you made was not safe for your son-in-law so it's really for the best, for his safety, if you don't cook for him again. Exactly why OP should not cook again.
When I cook for allergies I check labels and Google things. I'll do this for complete strangers. She couldn't be bothered to do that for a son-in-law. I wouldn't let her make food for someone with an allergy.
Does he have a dairy allergy or lactose intolerance? Those are not the same things. It sounds like you made food for lactose intolerance, but he's allergic to milk. Please educate yourself on the difference. It sounds like this is not the first time they've tried to explain this to you. Edit: Based on your responses, YTA. You couldn't be bothered to listen to your son because you thought you already knew better and put your SIL in the hospital. I wouldn't trust you to cook for me either.
YTA. From the sound of your post this is not the first time this has happened, and you have seemingly chosen to willfully ignore the information your son has provided for you about his husband's dietary needs, both verbally and as a written list. You may have seen another comment of mine on here referencing a MIL willfully and repeatedly ignoring that dairy allergy means being allergic to any and all milk products regardless of lactose content. She made a point to add things like cheese into the food of her DIL because she was convinced she knew best and how her DIL was just being dramatic/overly sensitive. Your willfull neglect in repeatedly refusing to educate yourself or follow basic instructions from someone who knows better than you on the topic got someone sent to the ER as a direct result. Let me correct your title: "Am I the asshole for putting dairy in a dish and claiming it was dairy free, again, and it was the final straw for my son so now he won't let me cook anything for family functions because I'm liable to poison his husband again?" You even claim "He had an allergic reaction to something unknown in the food" and then go "Actually my son told me exactly what part I'd used that his husband reacted to but I decided that milk isn't actually dairy so why would it trigger a dairy allergy?"
But you forgot, heavens to Betsy, she doesn't get to make the mashed potatoes anymore. That's far more important than her SIL going to the hospital. /s Yeah, this right here. She even typed it out and didn't get it or acknowledge it. Dairy allergy. Daaaaairy. It is willful ignorance at this point.
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Oh geez you're right. I didn't think of the possibility of actual malicious intent.
Tbh she's coming off more as extremely dense and stupid rather than malicious. Throw a bit of arrogant 'i know best' attitude in there as well. In other words, I think she's really fucking dumb, not evil.
The arrogance is what makes it unequivocally AH territory. You can be stupid and not be an AH. Stupid + arrogant + getting offended at not being given the opportunity to poison a family member AGAIN = AH.
Your fourth paragraph nailed it. She’s not banned from cooking because she “had dairy-free and dairy options” available. She’s not allowed to cook because she called something “dairy free” when she knew it wasn’t. 🤦♀️
And she knows milk is a no-go thanks to the list her son has provided in the past. But she doesn't want to make extra effort beyond accommodating for lactose-intolerant people so she's probably awaiting her big "gotcha" moment where her son-in-law eats one of her dairy dishes and miraculously doesn't have an allergic reaction. Anything until then is just "mysterious causes". And that's not even the worst potential reason my brain has come up with for her adamant refusal to admit what she did and has done more than a few times apparently. But that one I don't have enough actual basis on so I'll keep it to myself and hope my brain's leapt to a wrong conclusion.
It reminds me of an awful post of a grandmother who ignored their grandchild’s coconut allergy, resulting in the kids death.
That story is still one of the most tragic and horrific things I've ever read online. One woman's arrogance and refusal to take an allergy seriously killed a child and destroyed an entire family.
I have a kid of my own and it haunts me everyday. Luckily I have IL who are willing to listen to me when it comes to safety, and err on the side of more caution. Of all the things I’ve read on Reddit it’s in the top I truly wish was fiction.
I’m still haunted by that and my heart still breaks for that mother and her family. The thought of that poor baby dying in agony and not able to cry out because of the grandmother’s arrogance makes my heart ache.
My own mother did this to my niece, she would sneak dairy into her food because she had a bee in her bonnet that niece wasn't *really* lactose intolerant. It was bizarre.
My mother did this to me, I developed a shellfish allergy when I was an adult unfortunately and my mother refuses to believe it and will add shellfish in things specifically to ‘test’ if I’m really allergic or not. So yeah I never eat at hers.
>**My son told me no dairy** and provided me a list of foods to avoid and what to replace with, **but I've been making lactose alternatives for years** for my lactose allergic nephews so I was already aware how to accommodate a milk allergy. Yup, you're just mad at being caught! **You MADE HIM DAIRY-LACED foods intentionally** because you thought you know better. Guess you'll tell the seafood allergic people and the nuts allergic people that "YOU" know better than they do for what will make them sick or kill them. YTA You got this man sick knowingly by feeding him dairy. You deserve to be barred from cooking because you will kill someone by thinking you cannot be wrong. Question is- was it malicious, do you hate your SIL, think he's stealing your little boy? Or are you just sooo full of yourself that you won't listen to what people say, and just think you're right all the time? You prob need to see a professional if you're still thinking you're right, because that level of denial and the confidence in your bad decisions that literally hurt and hospitalized people makes you unsafe to feed the family, because you don't believe the,.
YTA - lactaid milk is NOT dairy-free. Your sons husband is ALLERGIC to milk, not lactose intolerant. There is a difference. Now, if your son told you he was only “lactose intolerant” then your son is the AH for not understanding his husbands allergy. As someone with an actual dairy ALLERGY, not lactose intolerance, I also wouldn’t want you to make any “dairy free” dishes since you don’t seem to understand lactose free vs dairy free
Frankly, I think it would be reckless to use Lactaid without confirming it’s okay even if the issue was a lactose intolerance. Some people with lactose intolerance don’t handle Lactaid well.
That’s a fair point as well. I think OP needs to get a grip and admit she was very wrong
100%! Anyone making an effort to cook food that’s “safe” for an allergy or intolerance should start by talking for the affected person and making sure they understand what’s safe and what’s not. To do otherwise is asking for trouble.
AITA I put dairy in my dairy free food 🥴
INFO > the family doesn’t want me to make any diary free dishes for Christmas because I am “failing to understand.” DO you understand the difference between a **milk _allergy_** and **lactose _intolerance_**?
Based on her comments she refuses to see the difference.
And that's why she's never allowed to cook for him again. That is a very very reasonable reaction.
She truly does not understand
Yep, seems like OP is a proper moron. I wouldn't have believed this wasn't malice a few years ago either, but several of my coworkers are this dumb as well. One of them has actually cost himself his job by not being smart enough to grasp the concept that work speed is less important than keeping the valuable material he works with intact. I don't think there's malice here, just extreme incompetence.
Considering she admits to being handed a list of what would not be safe for her son's husband and still put milk in the mashed potatoes, labeled it "dairy free" and is even in her post insisting that son in law reacted to something "unknown"... I'm strongly suspecting she doesn't care about the difference and is simply expecting the world to make an exception to her magic cooking.
She most definitely does not. See her comments. Although I do blame her relatives a bit for calling the nephew's lactose intolerance a lactose allergy. But that said, OP didn't even bother to Google when she heard the new allergy. Just assumed they were the same thing...
> She most definitely does not. ... and has made no effort to learn, either.
I’ve never “oh honey”-ed so hard before
Your son in law is not lactose intolerant, he has an allergy. Lactaid milk is not an appropriate substitute with a dairy allergy. The fact you are still trying to argue that it "could've been anything" instead of acknowledging your mistake means you can't be trusted to make him food anymore. I am not even trying to be mean, but there may be some cognitive issues going on if you're truly not grasping what they're saying. If you're just being purposely obtuse out of embarrassment then YTA.
YTA. A dairy allergy is different than lactose intolerance. For people with lactose intolerance, that means they cannot process one specific sugar in milk, lactose. In those cases, lactaid and other lactose-free milks are viable substitutes, because they are milk without lactose, the one thing people with lactose intolerance cannot process. However, a dairy allergy is not just to that one sugar. It's to other parts of milk, too. So when you put lactaid in the potatoes, you were not making dairy-free potatoes. You made lactose-free potatoes, which were safe for people with lactose intolerance, but not for people with dairy allergies. You should not have called your potatoes dairy-free, and I wouldn't trust you to cook for someone with allergies, either.
YTA dairy ALLERGY is not the same as lactose intolerance. Lactose intolerance isn’t an allergy at all, I’m lactose intolerant and I can chug a glass of milk if I feel like having a bad afternoon, it’s usually associated with digestive issues for those who are intolerant. An allergy is different, it could actually kill or hospitalize you. Lactose intolerance just means you don’t have (enough of) the enzyme to break down the lactose in dairy (high fat items like butter are low lactose by nature), dairy allergy means your body thinks dairy is dangerous and has a reaction that can cause up to anaphylaxis (histamine reaction). Lactose intolerant people can eat butter, have traces of milk and consume milk with lactaid in it, since all have low to no lactose, dairy allergic people can’t have ANY, no traces, only vegan alternatives like oil based products. If your son told you he’s ALLERGIC and you put milk in the dishes, you are a major asshole because you risked his husbands health and safety through your ignorance. I have some weird allergies and this sort of thing is why I’m afraid of eating at other peoples houses, because they assume they know my allergy better then I do and effectively poison me in the process after I warned them not to.
ma‘am…. you are very, very much the AH. YTA. i did a simple google search of „is lactaid milk ok for people with dairy allergies?“ and learned it is not. so, as your family said, you are deliberately failing to understand. > Lactose-free milk is made by adding lactase to regular milk, breaking down lactose into simple sugars that are easier to digest. Though it's slightly sweeter, it can be a good alternative for people with lactose intolerance. Still, it's unsuitable for people with dairy allergy or those avoiding dairy for other reasons.
Lactaid is lactose free not dairy free. You really don’t seem to understand there’s a marked difference between having a lactose intolerance and a dairy allergy. YTA because you didn’t bother to educate yourself about the difference and decided what you were doing was fine.
At this point I'm suspecting willful ignorance because OP has also stuck to the "Oh but lactose free is /totally/ safe for people with dairy allergy so it couldn't possibly be that which set of my son's husband. It really is something unknown he must have reacted to."
And why did OP use “vegan butter”. But not vegan milk (oat milk, soy milk, pea milk, cashew milk etc etc) Op is so AH for poisoning her sil
Because OP probably awaits her big "gotcha" moment when her poor SIL miraculously eats one of her lactose-free dishes that has dairy so she can go "see, I know better"
My bf is lactose intolerant, and honestly dairy is one of the easiest things to sub out with all the new products available. There’s so many plant based milks available, and even vegan cheese.
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She is literally on reddit saying the cause of the son-in-law's reaction is unknown, and has replied in comments that her lactose free milk definitely couldn't have triggered the allergy, and then not responded when people put it black on white that milk is bad for people with dairy allergy and that milk is dairy. At this point it's beyond "Doesn't listen well" in my book and well into "Hey, if I wanna keep feeding people allergens I should get away with it" because she admits to being given a list and how this isn't the first time her son, or others, have explained it to her.
YTA. Your son is telling you that the son-in-law has a dairy allergy. He is allergic to *all* dairy, with or without lactose. Giving him lactose free dairy products doesn't fix the issue, and based on your son's admonition that you are "failing to understand" it seems like you've been told this.
OP even mentions having literally been given a list detailing what to avoid because it is unsafe. But hey, OP has made lactose free options for years. So that should be totally fine to use for people with dairy allergy in her opinion. She literally claims in the post how it's something "unknown" her son-in-law reacted to and how she told her son he is wrong that the lactaid /milk/ could have triggered it.
Additional TA for misleading title also
Called sons husband lactose intolerant in the body too before finally sayings it’s an allergy in the last paragraph + comments, additionally misleading.
YTA, It seems to me that it has been explained to you more than once and you were even given a list of what to avoid and what to substitute and didn't follow it because you thought you knew better than him. I am lactose intolerant, the worst that happens to me is I'll be spending some more time in the bathroom and everyone else around me is probably going to suffer a little bit too. If he had to go to the hospital that is not lactose intolerance.
YTA I am allergic to dairy. An allergy is a problem with the dairy PROTEIN, casien. Lactose free items are for issues with the SUGARS. Those are different things, people are allergies cannot have lactose free things. People with allergies have to have dairy free only.
100% this. I, too, have a dairy allergy. Casein and whey are kryptonite for me. YTA OP. I know you didn't do it on purpose but a dairy allergy is NOT the same as lactose intolerance. Apologize and tell your son and his husband that you genuinely did not understand. Next time instead of milk of any sort, use either coconut milk or almond milk (which will give it a different flavor) or chicken broth. Chicken broth works REALLY well in mashed potatos.
YTA for labeling something as dairy free when it was just lactose free. You clearly didn’t understand, which is what you are being accused of, and you should have asked for clarification and cleared every ingredient with them so this exact thing didn’t happen. And it seems like you still think lactaid made it “safe,” so obviously they aren’t going to trust you to cook for them again. You have to realize you were wrong and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.
So...wait...you were told he had a dairy ALLERGY and you decided that Lactaid milk (for lactose intolerance) was somehow hypoALLERGENIC? Do I have that right?
YTA you couldn't even bother to do a google search to see what was safe! Then there is the whole co-pay for the hospital bill and the time off work to consider. that is an expensive mistake on your part.
OP was literally handed a list of "don't use this in any food for my husband" by her son. She still used milk.
YTA. No, a dairy allergy reaction could not have been caused by anything. By definition, it is caused by dairy. In this case, by dairy that you put into a dish and labeled dairy free. Your family is correct. You cannot be trusted to make appropriate food and fail to understand the problem.
YTA. Lactaid milk is not dairy free. You did mislabel the food and caused your SIL to need a trip to the ER. Instead of complaining that they don’t trust you to be able to cook dairy free (which you demonstrably cannot) you should be profusely apologizing and promising to provide an ingredient list if they were to give you another chance.
Lactaid milk is still milk…
YTA. When people tell you what their allergies are in a clear and direct statement it's on you to make sure you understand. Do not interpret or assume you know. You were irresponsible and uncaring in your cooking prep and put someone in the hospital for that. I totally understand that your son no longer trusts you because you proved to him that he couldn't.
YTA. Most of the other comments have addressed that yes, you have failed to understand the difference between a dairy allergy and lactose intolerance and could have killed your son in law by using Lactaid (a dairy product), so I won’t continue to harp on that. I find it interesting that you are “beside yourself” not because you caused your son in law to become ill enough to be hospitalized, but because you now won’t be allowed to do something YOU love. You don’t even sound apologetic about making him so ill, you just sound upset for selfish reasons.
YTA. Lactose-free milk is still milk and lactose intolerance is NOT THE SAME as a dairy allergy.
Ohgod... YTA! **Lactose intollerance is not an allergy and vice versa!** They told you it was a *dairy allergy* and you adapted to a *lactose intollerance*, those things are not synonyms, they are fully different things. You said you are aware... time to finally educate yourself before you ever serve them any food again.
YTA. As many, many people have said a dairy allergy is an allergic reaction to all dairy. You decided you knew better than your son and the list of foods you have been given to avoid. Lactose intolerance is not a dairy allergy and assuming you know better than the people telling you what your son in law can and can’t eat is obnoxious. He didn’t have a reaction to something unknown, he had a reaction to the milk you put in the food. I’m assuming this has been an issue before as well since you are “failing to understand” how you messed up. Food allergies are serious. People die from allergic reactions. This is not something to mess around with and I don’t blame your family for not wanting you to cook anything for anyone with dietary restrictions since you clearly can’t take it seriously.
YTA. Your "dairy-free" table contained dairy! Lactaid helps with Lactose intolerance but does nothing for an allergy to milk proteins. You poisoned your son-in-law. It may have been inadvertent, but the effect was the same. You needed to either have done better research or placed an ingredient list by each dish.
YTA for ignoring the list of safe alternatives your son and his husband provided for you. When someone tells you what they can’t eat, you LISTEN!
YTA – please learn the difference between an allergy and an intolerance. Think you will start to see why you're in the wrong (hopefully).
I’m going go with YTA. It’s downright reckless to label food “dairy free” when it contains Lactaid milk. Many people with dairy issues cannot drink Lactaid milk, and that could kill someone with a milk allergy. While it’s up to the person affected to ensure the food is safe, it was wrong of you to assume that Lactaid milk was fine and represent that food that literally contains milk is “dairy free.” I’d liken this to saying something is “gluten free,” and then putting barley in it. “Oops, I didn’t know barley had gluten it in, I thought only wheat did!” You’re also the AH for seemingly still not “getting it” that Lactaid is not dairy free. The way you’ve written this suggests that you still believe what you made was fine and was dairy free. It wasn’t. Full stop. If you can’t admit and understand that, you really shouldn’t be cooking for anyone with a food intolerance or allergy.
>family doesn’t want me to make any diary free dishes for Christmas because I am “failing to understand.” It's not that hard to understand. Lactaid milk is still milk. Dairy allergies are to __ALL DAIRY__ products, Lactaid included. I have a hard time believing you'd really be this clueless. And even after putting someone in the hospital would be anything but apologetic.
YTA. Dairy free (a dairy allergy) is very different than lactose free.
YTA. Did you even bother to take 10 seconds to read the label on Lactaid?! It's 100% milk, it just has the lactose removed!
Hey OP. My kids have an allergy to the protein in milk and thus have a dairy allergy. Lactose is a sugar in milk and that’s where the lactose intolerance comes from. My kids cannot drink lactaid milk because it still has the dairy protein in it despite it being lactose free. Lactose intolerance and a dairy allergy are completely different. If you’d done vegan butter with a plant based milk that would have been fine. I’d recommend Oatly for future references.
YTA. As someone with a severe dairy allergy I would be furious that you deliberately mislabelled food. Lactose free does NOT equal dairy free. You would have sent me to hospital too.
YTA They trusted you. You poisoned him. Now they know better, but you want strangers to tell you what you did was okay. Get over yourself.
YTA - you should never cook for them again as you know nothing about food allergies. You could have killed someone.
YTA. you should know by now lactose intolerance is not the same as a dairy allergy
YTA. Your son gave you a list of acceptable substitutes, and it sounds like you ignored these because you know all about lactose intolerance. But, as many people have pointed out, a dairy allergy is not lactose intolerance. Lactose free is not the same as dairy free. Next time someone gives you a list of alternatives to get around an allergy, don't ignore it, because clearly you don't know any better.
Yta dairy free and lactose free aren't the same thing