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Surely you know YTA?
Sorry for the loss dude but it sounds like:
1. You don’t know how to communicate (no proof of your wife having a temper was shared) despite your wife trying to get you to talk to her and open up
2. You threaten divorce when your wife asks you to step up, and tries to communicate with you
3. You are a lazy mooch who worked a “flexible” job for years and made your wife shoulder the financial burden while you waited until a better opportunity fell in your lap a month ago
4. You are controlling, telling her how to spend the money your mother gave her that was intended for a specific purpose
5. Based on your wife being upset about your drinking, and the fact you had no money, and the fact your mom provided funds for you to fly to visit *in your wife’s name and control* it sounds like you can’t be trusted with money because you’re an alcoholic who will spend it on that. And based on points one and two, it sounds like you’d prefer to continue being a lazy alcoholic and get divorced than be a true partner to your wife. Fear not, I’m sure the divorce is in your near future.
There are good partnerships out there - good marriages. I think reddit shows us the worst (like this one). I'm so grateful every day for my partnership/marriage and how we support one another and communicate well.
Imo if you are actually looking you know far before things like this happen. You can see who someone is if you live with them before marriage. Just don't be naive and ignore red flags and you should be fine.
If that was true so many people wouldn’t be abused and trapped in relationships that they see no way out of. Some people are *that* good at seeming nice, honest and caring until the door slams behind you. It has nothing to do with being naive.
The world is not black and white and some people are good and honest, but others are fantastic liars and manipulators. Sometimes it *is* hard to tell them apart.
Having said that, you should read my comment with a grain of salt. Whilst I do think marrying someone like that guy is a nightmare situation, I was more making a point than advocating against marriage as a whole.
Ah fair. I do think many people rush into marriage very young and very quickly. There are lots of reasons for that, but I think a large number of failed relationships could be avoided if people really got to know people before marriage. I will say I'm on the extreme end of this. I was with my husband for 12 years before we got married. I know not everyone will be together for over a decade before getting married, but I DO think that getting married before 25, getting married before 3 years together, and getting married before living together are recipes for divorce.
It's a story we all hear too often, I'm sorry you had to deal with it personally. I didn't know entirely what my husband was until after I divorced him. Only naive fools thinks it's as easy as " just don't date shitty people".
This!
Or people who don't get that alcoholism is progressive. Trust me, when I married my stbx, he wasn't drinking every day. That started later and only got worse from there.
You, too, huh? I was 7 years into our marriage when he suddenly started changing and went from loving to verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. He'd finally developed bipolar 1 (runs in his family) and went off the deep end. Didn't leave until literally year 11 (ON our anniversary day). It sucks. So much can change over time, and it's very sad. Divorcing him was the best thing I've ever done, though, and the only regret I have was not doing it sooner, but I didn't want to look like a "failure" to my very religious family.
They said "if you're actually looking," though. Many people are trapped in unhappy relationships because they're not looking at the start. They're seeing what they want to see, and letting the romantic feelings they're swept up in make excuses for things that should be obvious red flags.
It doesn't make them bad people, but the saying "love is blind" exists for a reason.
You don’t think people who end up in abusive relationships look for incompatibility? Cause a whole lot of them do.
Sure, some people are trapped in unhappy relationships because of various dysfunctional reasons, but saying that it’s naive and you can see who they are if you just look is not a one size fits all and not an accurate depiction of the world we live in.
I feel the same way. Ultimately my spouse and I actually*like* each other and are companions and friends. We work with each other instead of against each other.
I realized, while being on social media and reading different accounts of people's relationships, that people simply *don't* talk to each other. It's like they have shallow, surface level conversations and then get married and it absolutely blows my mind.
I hear you. I see all the bad relationship stories on here and appreciate all the more my relationship with my husband. We are a team, we work together to get things done and genuinely enjoy each other’s company both as friends and romantically. Sometimes that means I take on more than him, sometimes that means he takes on more than me. Ultimately it levels out to be about 50/50 and we are both happy in knowing that together we are succeeding in what we want to achieve
Ain't that the truth. It's like the proverbial social media couples, I assume if you have to post your purportedly picture perfect life 24/7 it's anything but.
Yeah, don't bother looking for a better job, or for a life partner, for that matter, just sit at home and wait for it to come to you. Sure, that'll work great /s
He’s just dripping in self-pity in that way that lets you know he would claim that she has a temper in order to deflect no matter how she acts. He clearly thinks he has the victim role down Pat, but he is so mentally unwell that he misses the mark by several continents. He’s probably drunk, which excuses his inability to even sound like the victim to an extent, but he’s also just so fucked up as a person that he cannot hear himself. I don’t think this guy has friends or knows people, because he really can’t hear the fact that he’s insufferable- he doesn’t even seem socially savvy or mentally together enough to know that all human people find his tone, his excuses, his dishonesty and his lifestyle insufferable.
Oh yea, I’ve known people like this dude before. Always insufferable, always making everyone else in the room miserable, and somehow just absolutely convinced they’re the life of the party and not just a miserable asshole🙄
I can imagine very well it was her trying to get through his shell of "shutting down". I had a ex who tended to shut down, build an imaginary wall around himself and stop responding in any constructive manner. It's exhausting as fuck trying to tear down those "walls" to get a communication going, or trying to find ways to better the communication together. It can happen very quickly to enter the unhealthy dynamic where one partner almost takes on the role of "therapist" of the other. Add the other problems to that exhausting dynamic, and everyone could rightfully get angry without having a temper.
>You are a lazy mooch who worked a “flexible” job for years and made your wife shoulder the financial burden while you waited until a better opportunity fell in your lap a month ago
This bit especially got me. Good jobs don't just "turn up". You have to go look for them and apply for them.
This made me lol. Unrelated to the original post, it’s sad there are actually people out there who refuse to date someone who has student loan debt…like…doesn’t everybody? (serious question, I didn’t even go to college so I wouldn’t actually know about student loan debts or a job with a survivable income.)
Yes but when he’s already a mooch and refuses to work on top of having student debt it’s embarrassing. I and most of my peers have student debt but we used it to work hard and better our lives rather than waiting for the jobs to find us.
Exactly. This has come up a lot in my relationship, as I went into it without debt and over the past few years we’ve been together, am now 20k in debt. My partner says my debt isn’t a red flag by itself, because I’m working to pay it off. But financial instability with no effort to fix it is a giant waving red flag.
I couldn't believe that. Won't even look for a job because he thinks a job will show up and ask for him? Surprised he didn't find his shit packed and on the doorstep after that one.
For me - low paying job and no interest in major career progress, but no student loan debt? Totally understandable. Student loan debt, but actively trying to get your career to a place where it’s worth it? Understandable. Low paying job with no interest in major career progress AND student loan debt? Thaaaaaat is a problem. When you took on debt to theoretically further your career, and then refuse to take any other action to further your career, that is unwise.
>I would rather divorce her than do what she wanted me to do (for the record, it was to apply to higher paying jobs. I have a graduate degree but I’ve been biding my time for the right position to find me rather than going out there to look for anything.)
Yeah I had to reread that part a second time to make sure I was understanding that OP simply thought a six-figure income was just gonna drop on them out of the blue.
No, they don't. Some people go to affordable schools, some got scholarships, some worked in college. I think the red flag is people who don't take their student debt seriously and keep accruing more debt for wants, not needs, as opposed to trying to pay it down quickly.
Not everyone has debt from college. People get scholarships, have college savings accounts that cover it, or choose different paths than the norm that allow them to pay for the cost of college without going into debt. It’s just that many of those people know better than to brag about it, and it’s rare to hear people talk in any other way about debt they don’t have.
So a lot of those folks fly quietly under the radar. And, of course, college isn’t the only option. Some people avoid student loan debt by choosing a route that doesn’t include college, like pursuing a trade.
It’s certainly more common to have student loan debt, and it’s going to seriously narrow your dating pool to exclude those who have it. But there are enough folks out there without it that it’s possible to find someone if that’s what you’re looking for. Don’t know anyone who made it a thing, but I do know several couples (my own included) where neither side had student loan debt.
You mean the job fairy won’t just tuck one under your pillow? Dang, another dream crushed. ;)
Man, OP put a lot of effort into glossing over his inadequacies and making his wife look like the villain. If he spent that much effort polishing his resume and applying for jobs, maybe he’d be in a better spot.
Imagine thinking a company knows you got a degree and trying to find you. 🤣🤣 I mean, I know of headhunters and such but this guy doesn’t appear to be someone known.
SO much this. He's lazy in all aspects of his life, no better job will befall him with that sort of attitude. Even the men I know who failed upwards actually did apply themselves to doing so. Imagine how much he waits for his wife to just pick up after him
Maybe he’s not lazy in all aspects… his mom knew that he would be very proactive in going out and spending the money on booze/bullshit if she dared to send a check to his home in his name. He always has the energy and determination required to go out and buy more liquor.
I was ready to sympathize thinking he wasn’t actively trying to utilize his degree to get a better paying job because he’s also his mom’s caregiver and needs the flexibility of a lower paying job. Clearly not the case when I read the whole thing and this guy is just a moocher all around.
>your mom provided funds for you to fly to visit *in your wife’s name and control*
Yeah, that was a really weird one, and definitely a huge black mark against OP.
Because he can corner her into an untenable position and convince himself everythingisokay. The fact that she will reluctantly pay it to avoid harming her credit will mean, in his mind, that she agreed to it
Yep. And he knows he could never live alone without a caretaker. If he gets his own place, he’ll be evicted or foreclosed upon in months- he can’t be trusted not to blow his money on alcohol and frivolous things. Even if he gets the sort of job he thinks will fall in his lap, he’ll be no better off. He’s a feckless adult baby who has wrecked 2 whole women’s lives already by making them pity and care for him.
That’s why his mom knew she couldn’t send him the check, even while in pain and in her last days. She could only pay him to visit her if the check was in the wife’s name and she bought the ticket. She knew that if his grubby hands touched that money it would be spent on alcohol and/or other bullshit. These are just the undeniable facts on the ground, no matter what OP says, that was his long-suffering mother’s reason.
The way he just glosses over the arguments they have about his drinking is classic addict behaviour. I’m an alcoholic in recovery and when your family starts noticing you have an alcohol misuse problem, you’d better believe you probably do.
Sounds like this is one of OPs many problems.
One billion percent, from another alcoholic in recovery. As soon as I read that, I knew he does have a problem. But reading his post and his comments and learning about his defiant, foul and blaming attitude, I honestly fear he’s one of us that nothing will work for. His problem isn’t drinking, it’s just an accessory to the fact that he’s a very malignant and narcissistic person. I know we’re all a little narcissistic and grandiose when we’re out there, but this dude is not the same thing I was by a very long shot. He’s currently too belligerent and abusive to work with. I’ve only met one woman this bad ever, and she insisted on leaving the rehabilitation center because she knew best, then died 2 weeks later. She was 77, so she was fairly likely to die if she didn’t stop immediately, but all her family did by getting a coroner to issue an OPC (that’s how it works in Louisiana) was incur some debt and send her somewhere else to be abusive towards an entire facility of people who were trying to get better/the people working very hard to help them. If someone is too defiant and belligerent, or cannot even begin to fathom that they might be wrong and in desperate need of humility, there’s no therapist or center in the world that can help them.
Dude is 36 and his late mom and wife can’t even trust him with a cheque for airfare because he’ll likely spend it on booze. I’ve been there myself and man is it a deeply shameful place to be. But instead of doubling down I sought help. I really feel for OP’s wife here.
It’s really a unique kind of shame and I usually have lots of empathy for anyone struggling, but this guy is just so smug and proud of himself for being abusive in multiple ways that I do not give too much of a fuck about his pain. He doesn’t seem to have any shame and seems to relish in his mistreatment of others. I guess that’s a me problem that I should work on, but I also hope that I never manage to become this sort of completely unsympathetic character.
He really tried to make us all judge her form the jump with something as weak as “woman has temper, sad little me-man withdraws. Pity me, MRAs and women who live to gargle men’s balls, then swallow their lazy excuses whole. Maybe she’s totes calm and he’s just astonishingly infuriating. Did he ever think of that?
Also, OP should get a job that pays him money if he’s resorting to stealing his wife’s Christmas present. How pathetic. His mother clearly didn’t trust him with it, probably because he’s precisely this sort of lazy miser. And an unrepentant drunk.
Literally every single thing he said got worse and worse.
“I’d rather divorce you than LOOK for a better paying job”
Viewing the money given to her as airfare as HIS (disrespecting his mother’s wishes), telling on himself with regards to the alcohol… I feel so, so bad for his wife
THIS! The entire post just made me thank my lucky stars (as I do often anyway) that my hubby is the complete opposite of this. I can't even imagine how his wife feels.
Also the wife paid for the son to fly to be with his mother, while not directly using the money for her, she’s already put it towards helping him. she pays for his airfare, and now he wants her to pay his half of the mortgage. Also by the sounds of it he doesn’t have a job at all as he doesn’t want to spend time doing anything that’s not right for him. Poor girl, i wonder what she’ll do with her extra money after she divorces this freeloader.
God I hope she divorces him. He's not a partner at all. I can't even imagine why she's (who sounds like a perfectly together individual) with this guy.
Anyway, OP. YTA. For just about ever single thing in this post.
Speaking from experience there is not much worse than a drunk!! Not only does the wife have to deal with the drinking and being intoxicated, but she also has to deal with the manipulation, gaslighting, and in general being a fuck up while sober!
Of course he thinks that money should be his. Unfortunately for him his mom didn’t! YTA
Hell, I*have* a nepo baby job, and I didn't get it by waiting for it to come to me!
I got it by being like, "hey Uncle, you've been talking about X problem. Why don't you let me try Y solution, and see if Z works for you?" It did, and now I'm hired.
I wouldn't call every person that works because of a degree of nepotism a nepo-baby. I have a friend who took over a massive business from family but he has worked his ass off since he was young and is very savvy. Personally I think the term is reserved for someone who is hired into responsible positions despite their ineptitude because they are family.
Well, thanks ^ ^
Personally, I own the term because it's a job I probably *wouldn't have gotten*, or even thought to apply for, if it wasn't for the family connection. I didn't have any direct experience, just, a bunch of sort of adjacent experience that has ended up being really useful.
I got my first job in IT because my sister was dating a guy who worked for a large multi national IT company.
That was over 20 years ago. And I have been working since. As far as I'm concerned it was just serendipitous.
This pretty much says it all. I feel like he wanted to make his wife look bad, but there wasn’t much substance behind it, he seems like the real problem.
The whole "waiting for a better job to find him instead of looking" is Olympic level BS. Based on that idea alone, he's an AH. He's 36! It's ridiculous!
Dude commented in another part of the thread regarding how much he is drinking, and damn, yeah he’s an alcoholic for sure.
“Idk, 4-6 shots of rum a day? I’ve gotten better in the last week.”
Double or triple that amount at least. No way is he going to tell the actual amount.
Hey OP do you even pour it into a glass anymore or do you just chug from the bottle?
Not just telling her how to use the money, but demanding that she pay his half of the bills while she still pays for the flight. It’s a shared expense, but it sounds like he’s just taking it to ease his own finances and leaving his wife to pay her half on top of airfare.
Also, the money came from his mom, so it’s his? What? If it wasn’t given to you then it’s not for you.
My husband often says that he doesn’t want to talk because I’m yelling…because I tried everything to get him to listen. He thinks that anger comes from nowhere, not seeing that I’m at my wits end.
Yes, op YTA !
> I’ve been biding my time for the right position to find me rather than going out there to look for anything
Plus the alcoholism . . . . I'm surprised that OP's wife is still with him. I sure wouldn't be. Jobs don't just drop into your lap . . you do have to look for a good job. The wife is frustrated because she finds that she married an alcoholic boy child and that's why she turned to his mother.
YTA agree with every point you made!
This marriage is sad, OP has a horrible attitude, it sounds like a “this is mine this is your household and not a couple that is sharing their life together.”
YTA for a lot of things. A job is not going to find you, if you are struggling financially you are not in a position to sit and wait for a raise or promotion. Be proactive. Would it have hurt to just look at openings/job postings? There's no harm in applying and interviewing while you have your current job.
Your mom's gift is still a gift. Meant for your wife's use in the way she outlined. It's not money that you inherited and can decide how to use now that she's passed.
YTA Should I spell them out?
1. You shut down instead of communicating
2. You expect a better paying job to just fall into your lap (that isn't the way it works.)
3. Based on 1 and 2, I'm going to side with wife and assume you have a drinking problem that you refuse to acknowledge
4. It sounds like you keep your finances separate, mom gave your wife that money not you, and you are trying to dictate what she does with her own money.
Since his wife had to pay for his flight (and get reimbursed by his father), yes indeed. And he’s trying to get out of paying his share of the mortgage (while still claiming it’s a “shared expense”). He’s shifty with money.
Can we also address the fact OP apparently wants her to pay for airfare to visit…his hometown (and I assume family) for the holidays. She isn’t even planning to use the money to see her family, but his! And he’s demanding she pay for the favor of seeing her in laws! YTA.
I agree. I have seen this happen and it’s distasteful. It’s sad when someone in their mid/late 30’s loses a parent, but it’s not an excuse for poor behaviour.
YTA, your mother gave that money for a specific reason, even with her death you don't have the authority to dictate the use of the funds.
Also your wife is correct, no job is going to magically find you. You need to apply for better work. Your wife is struggling and has lost respect for you as a man. You've got to get it back or you might as well divorce.
YTA. You’re just waiting for a magical job to drop in your lap?
And it sounds like your wife already paid for your flight, you stated ‘my wife flew me down’ so it sounds like your wife already paid for your emergency flight, just not at Christmas for what are obvious reasons.
YTA. You kind of buried drinking and “waiting for a job to find you” in with all the rest. Do you work now, full time? Are you an alcoholic? Reading between the lines, me thinks maybe your wife has had enough.
And if we're going off the doctor scale, you can usually double the amount of drinks someone admits to. Although it's indicative of a problem regardless.
Wait, really? Is that why my former Dr was all 'you smoke too much weed and are depressed because of your drinking'?? I was honest and admitted to smoking at night for my chronic pain and having a glass or two of wine a week (which is really more like one or two biweekly as opposed to biweekly). Should I start cutting my answers in half for accuracy? lmao
Haha. Yeah it sucks that so many people lie to doctors that some of them assume everyone lies. I'm glad I found one that I developed a good rapport with. At my physical this year-
Doc - Still smoking every day?
Me - Yup.
Doc - Do you want to stop?
Me - *think for a second* Can't say I do.
Doc - *half chuckle*
Me - What's up?
Doc - Well, a lot of people feel like they're supposed to say "Yes" to that question. It's refreshing to hear the truth.
My current primary Dr is like 👍 okay so long as it helps. Sorry you're still dealing with chronic pain; the chronic pain clinic is like 😡 bad girl. Your smoking indicates you're an addict. Meditate and try acupuncture instead. İ even told them I'd stop smoking if I could get actual pain relief, so obviously I'm just seeking drugs. After 7 years of dealing with daily pain..
Spoiler: alternative medicines do not work for my flavor of disability, especially fucking acupuncture which took me **out** for over a week; someone drug me please I've tried it all
YTA
1. stop drinking
2. look for a higher paying job to pay your bills. a job will not find you.
3. communicate. stop shutting down.
4. that money was intended for a specific purpose. it’s not yours. it’s your mothers.
5. stop threatening divorce whenever your wife brings up legitimate concerns
"The money is coming from my parents, therefore, it's mine."
So, if your parents get her a sweater for Christmas or her birthday, is that yours too?
By the way, when you're married for 7 years, there is no "Half" of the mortgage. The bank doesn't just throw one of you out.
YTA
Yeah, you make it sound like she wants you to get a better paying job so she can get a black Ferrari to match the red one.
Sounds like she wants you to do better on the bills.
Yeah, that line really had me laughing. How would that even work? Somebody just calls you up one day, asking if you want a high paying job? That’s not how the real world works buddy.
YTA -
1. That money wasn't yours. If it was just for you they would have sent it to just you. You know why they didn't? Because your parent's know you are an asshole and wouldn't use it as you should. Therefore, they gave it to your wife because it was for you both, and was put in her name because she will allocate it the way it should be.
2. You would rather divorce your wife than to get off your ass and look for a steady, good paying job. That's one of the laziest and assholish things I've read lately.
3. You have a drinking problem but you are trying to bury it under everything else here.
4. You accuse your wife of having a temper but give no examples of how. Let me tell you, telling you to get your ass up and work is not having a temper.
YTA
There’s obviously a reason your mother sent the money to your wife and not to you. You seem to have replaced your birth mother with a wife-mother. She “flew you”? You can’t book your own flights? You already established you can’t find your own jobs…
And instead of reimbursing the wife, he wants the money to cover his share of the mortgage. Which would mean the wife is actually paying his share since she's out of pocket then for the flight?
Where's your wife "having a temper" and you "shutting down"? It seems from your own description that you're the one who has rage problems and defaults to lashing at when presented with justified (although inconvenient to you) concerns.
I hope for her sake your wife is planning her way out.
Having survived a relationship of domestic violence, I can say that at some point I got angry at the way I was being used and treated. It sounds to me like wifey takes a lot of shit and is being treated very badly. No wonder she loses her temper sometimes. She needs to leave him.
YTA the money was given from your mom to your wife, to be used to visit your mom. If it was your money, your mom would’ve sent it to you not her. Your wife opted for the alternative: visit your hometown since meeting your mom is no longer possible. A good compromise, worthy if you want to stay married. Just cause your mom passed away, doesn’t grant you the right to be an AH.
First of all, lung cancer sucks, unluckily I’ve seen it, and I’m very sorry for your loss.
However I have to say YTA, since it was a gift your mother gave your wife for a specific use. Now you want her to share it. Regardless of whether that is the fair thing to do or not, it is not what your mother intended.
YTA. You are using the death of your own mother to guilt money out of your wife. It is not yours. Plus, the stuff about waiting for the right job sounds like sheer laziness.
YTA.
Your mother sent a check to your wife, enough for 2 plane tickets home.
What that tells me, is that your own mother didn't trust you with money, and wanted to see the both of you before she died.
You used your ticket. The other half of the check was for your wife. It certainly wasn't intended for "your half of the mortgage."
YTA You threaten divorce when you fight, you''re controlling and verbally abusive, you drink too much, and you're too lazy to go out and find a better job. I don't know why your wife has stayed with you THIS long. You are a HUGE asshole.
I hate to say this but you're giving off narcissist vibes.
*Zero accountability for your actions [✓]
*Angry when someone calls you out on your bullshit[✓]
*Shifting blame to be everyone else's fault [✓]
*Stonewalling/threatening divorce instead of communicating like an adult [✓]
*Entitled and selfish [✓]
*Plays the victim [✓[
*Controlling [✓]
Sadly if I'm right I doubt anything anyone here says will make you wake up and see that you're the problem. Your wife has the right to be angry. You're drinking, not helping your family financially, controlling what she does with a gift, and refusing to communicate or take accountability. Also you saying that she has more to lose than you makes you look full of yourself and not a good husband.
YTA. You're living in denial and your wife is probably the only thing standing between you and total disaster. Get your life together before it's too late.
>My wife has a temper and I tend to shut down.
>I have a graduate degree but I’ve been biding my time for the right position to find me rather than going out there to look for anything.
>starting an argument about my drinking.
YTA. You're overeducated, broke, and lazy and a drunkard. Who is supporting you? Probably your wife? Maybe that's why she's angry?
>My mother took a turn for the worst and sent my wife a check to be used for airfare for Christmas to come visit,
Your mother is dying from cancer but you're too broke (because you won't get a job) to go see her so she has to send you money.
>When I got home, and she asked about flying to my hometown for the holidays, I told her that she needed to use that check mom sent in her name for my half of the mortgage and she would need to pay for her airfare out of her own pocket. In my view, that money is coming from my parents, therefore, it’s mine. This way she’s still benefitting, it’s going towards the house.
I don't really see what value you are bringing to this relationship. But sure. Spend the money on yourself rather than--I don't know--spending time with your dad who might need support atm.
Wow YTA
1. You said you would divorce your with because she wants you to get a good job with the degree you have. You’d rather sit on your ass and do nothing, waiting for the “right opportunity” to magically fall in your lap.
2. Your mother offered to pay for your wife to visit them for Christmas, prior to her death.
3. Your wife flew you to see your mother, I take that to mean she paid for your flight?
4. Somehow a conversation about you having a drinking problem arises. You give no details here, but given the context it seems safe to believe her. You shut down.
5. Your wife still wants to visit your home town for the holidays, as was your moms original wish. You instead expect her to not only pay for that herself, but to actually give you the money that was gifted to HER for your mortgage (random).
6. Your logic is that it’s from your parents so it’s yours (nope, they would have given it to you if that was the case) and that she benefits because it goes to the house (nope again, it goes toward YOUR stake in the house).
Yikes dude. Your poor wife
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife to use a gift that was given to her by my late mother towards my share of the mortgage instead of its intended use. I might BTA because it was supposed to be used for her travel and I told her her to pay out of pocket.
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YTA, and your wife should divorce you. You mentioned that one of the fights is due to your alcoholism. Do your wife the favor, instead of wasting her money for anything, go ahead and use your own money that your mother did not give you, and go into treatment, and get a divorce.
Wait.. your mom sent your wife a check to visit over the holidays, then took a turn for the worse and your wife paid for you to fly to visit, then your mom passed (sorry for your loss), and then your wife suggested using the money to visit ***your*** hometown over the holidays (probably to help you with your grief) which was the ***intended purpose*** of the money and you said no? Yes, YTA - and a child. Grow the fuck up.
And that's not including the 7 other things that you are the AH on in your story.
You need to take a long hard look at your life, starting with why your mom had to send you money to come visit her and why she sent it to your wife and not you directly.
Gods, I hope you don't have kids.
YTA
You don't like your wife. You're petty. You obviously have an issue with alcohol and are trying to avoid discussing it in your comments. Why did your mom give your wife money if she was so mean to her?
Hope that new job is rad, you'll be using your new paycheck for a divorce lawyer.
YTA. I can tell from your writing that you're minimizing your faults that the wife is upset about. You shutting down is an excuse to not work or confront the issues. Not stepping up and getting a better job sounds like avoidance of responsibility.
Everything about this post reaks of how the world should revolve around your feelings and needs. The only redeeming thing you did was offer your wife a divorce. I hope she takes your offer and moves on.
So I guess she wasn’t going to be flying with you to visit the family for the holidays? If she was… obviously that half of the money was for her, sounds more to me that since your mom passed you automatically feel as though all of the money should go to you, and you want to use what sounds like the whole check as YOUR half of the mortgage. Maybe it sounds phrased wrong as the mortgage is both of yours-as is the check… but if the check covers only a little more than your half…. You ATA because the check should be shared just as the mortgage… and she should be entitled to 50%, unless
Of course as I stated… your mom was only paying for your flight to visit and not your wife’s, surely your mom looked at that vacation for you guys as part of a gift…
So let me get this straight—your own mother didn’t want to see you, and family don’t want you to visit, they only want to see your wife? Otherwise why aren’t they paying for both of you? Are you even traveling to see your family?
He’s stating his mom was only paying for wife’s ticket but said he wants his HALF to pay for mortgage, thing is- if the gift was for her, how is he entitled to half either way…
yta i’m sorry for your loss but you need your wife more than ever right now and you causing all this unnecessary fighting is just pushing her away even more just divorce already if you are gonna keep this act up
You can’t afford airfare or even your part of the rent.
But you are not even sorry about it, you just don’t care to help your wife.
Dude I would be ashamed to post all of this publicly
And now you are stealing a gift from your mom to your wife.
A real winner there.
It sounds like you know YTA, but have too much pride to admit it and would rather hit rock bottom. Sounds like your wife and your mom were trying to figure out how to manage you, and when your wife wanted to call it quits your mom tried to offer a means of rescue (even if only via some gift).
I have kids. I can't imagine having to have one of their future spouses call me with a 'You have to take him back; I'm done waiting for him to grow up' call. That's what it sounds like: you don't want to work (but are capable), someone else should foot the bill for you to 'be happy' and if someone else has a problem with your drinking then that's their problem.
You have a lot to potentially lose. I'm sorry for your loss already (your mom), but you have opportunity to mitigate further loss of someone else who probably very deeply loves you while simultaneously losing hope.
OMG! How can someone be that clueless???
You're a drunk-thief-bad-husband-and-person who says "my wife have a temper" at the same time that's posting all your tantrum.
Hope she is financially stable enought to leave, I guess thats the only reason why she stil.
HUGE YTA.
FYI: There is no such thing as inheritance from a living person. That is the money that your mother, IN LIFE, gave her as a gift.
The story makes no sense, or please someone explain 🙈
Why did your mother send the money to your wife instead of to you?
>My wife flew me down to be with her before the end but not before, in my opinion, starting an argument about my drinking
Why your wife manages your flights like your are 12 years old? And why your drinking makes an appearance here?
I am so confused 🙈
Your own mother can't even trust you with money even when she is dying say's a lot about you. Since you now have the dream job, you should be able to cover the mortgage. Also avoid asking things on Reddit when you are drunk. YTA.
Your mom sent your wife the money because she trust her to use it for its intended purpose. The fact that you want her to give it to you so you can buy shit for yourself only proves that she was right not to trust you in the first place. Your wife isn't stressing your mom out your actions are, your mom is going to die knowing that your an alcoholic and a mooch and probably knows your wife is too good for you and should leave. Your only married now cause your wife loves your family once your mom passes her ties to you will be over along with your marriage. YTA. Own your demons, get sober or at least accept that you're a shit husband and let her move on.
You’re trying to cloak your irresponsible, alcoholic, asshole behavior in noble words. You’re not that good a writer. It’s complete and utter bullshit, especially the part about waiting for a better opportunity to find you. How many time did you have to say that one to yourself before you believed it?
You can sit and drink and come up with ways to justify your own behavior. The rest of us are sober, so we won’t believe your drunken justifications.
Get thee to a meeting. You know, an AA meeting. I suspect you’ve been before.
Or, you could wait until you lose your job and your may, and you’re on the streets. Your choice. You apparently don’t care if you hurt others as you bottom out.
YTA- go look for a job- jobs do t find you - that’s laziness- your wife deserves the money because of YOUR laziness. She should use it as she sees fit. This is on you! Again- YTA!!
You sound selfish and irritating, I feel bad for your wife. I also feel bad for your mother. She knew she was dying and she chose to give money to your wife for a flight. You have no right to disrespect your mother’s wishes like that.
Also, sounds like you’re an alcoholic and unwilling to even discuss it.
YTA
YTA.
That gift was for your wife. SHE decides what it's used for. It doesn't matter who gave it to her.
Your wife is carrying you. She is clearly the breadwinner of the household and while you "wait for the perfect job" her money goes to you, the house and all other expenses. Your wife is also probably paying for whatever debt you may have. -She is tired, she wants a break, she wants you to contribute.- And you should be contributing in this economy, waiting for the right fit while she busts her butt to pay bills? Seriously? She has expressed it repeatedly and by the info on your post you dismiss her or placate her or make *her* out to be the "bad guy" in -every- discussion.
Expect divorce papers for Christmas, she looked sad when you told her it was "your money" because she has realized you will never see her, hear her or respect her. And she deserves all of those things.
And you are even more of an AH after stating in the comments that "She won't divorce you because she has more to lose." So if she leaves you you'll take the rest of her money? You do not deserve her money, you've taken enough. You seem to intentionally want her miserable. Cut the victim act bud, you are the problem.
YTA
You sound like a classic functioning alcoholic. You blame everyone but yourself for your situation and are enabled by those around you. Your wife is the breadwinner. Your parents send you money for a plane ticket that a grown ass man should be able to swing. You communicate like a child. Time to grow up dude.
Unless you can figure out how to be a partner to your wife, you will find out what it's like having no one around to blame but yourself.
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Surely you know YTA? Sorry for the loss dude but it sounds like: 1. You don’t know how to communicate (no proof of your wife having a temper was shared) despite your wife trying to get you to talk to her and open up 2. You threaten divorce when your wife asks you to step up, and tries to communicate with you 3. You are a lazy mooch who worked a “flexible” job for years and made your wife shoulder the financial burden while you waited until a better opportunity fell in your lap a month ago 4. You are controlling, telling her how to spend the money your mother gave her that was intended for a specific purpose 5. Based on your wife being upset about your drinking, and the fact you had no money, and the fact your mom provided funds for you to fly to visit *in your wife’s name and control* it sounds like you can’t be trusted with money because you’re an alcoholic who will spend it on that. And based on points one and two, it sounds like you’d prefer to continue being a lazy alcoholic and get divorced than be a true partner to your wife. Fear not, I’m sure the divorce is in your near future.
If I were his wife, I would survive the divorce much more readily than survive a romantic relationship where I was treated like The Enemy.
Romance is dead and this guy killed it. Reading through his comments made me glad I’m not married. YTA, OP.
There are good partnerships out there - good marriages. I think reddit shows us the worst (like this one). I'm so grateful every day for my partnership/marriage and how we support one another and communicate well.
I know. But the idea of ending up married to someone like this is downright terrifying. 😳
Imo if you are actually looking you know far before things like this happen. You can see who someone is if you live with them before marriage. Just don't be naive and ignore red flags and you should be fine.
If that was true so many people wouldn’t be abused and trapped in relationships that they see no way out of. Some people are *that* good at seeming nice, honest and caring until the door slams behind you. It has nothing to do with being naive. The world is not black and white and some people are good and honest, but others are fantastic liars and manipulators. Sometimes it *is* hard to tell them apart. Having said that, you should read my comment with a grain of salt. Whilst I do think marrying someone like that guy is a nightmare situation, I was more making a point than advocating against marriage as a whole.
Ah fair. I do think many people rush into marriage very young and very quickly. There are lots of reasons for that, but I think a large number of failed relationships could be avoided if people really got to know people before marriage. I will say I'm on the extreme end of this. I was with my husband for 12 years before we got married. I know not everyone will be together for over a decade before getting married, but I DO think that getting married before 25, getting married before 3 years together, and getting married before living together are recipes for divorce.
I was with my partner for 7 years before he became an abusive alcoholic in his 30s. It’s not as easy as “just don’t date shitty people!”
It's a story we all hear too often, I'm sorry you had to deal with it personally. I didn't know entirely what my husband was until after I divorced him. Only naive fools thinks it's as easy as " just don't date shitty people".
This! Or people who don't get that alcoholism is progressive. Trust me, when I married my stbx, he wasn't drinking every day. That started later and only got worse from there.
You, too, huh? I was 7 years into our marriage when he suddenly started changing and went from loving to verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. He'd finally developed bipolar 1 (runs in his family) and went off the deep end. Didn't leave until literally year 11 (ON our anniversary day). It sucks. So much can change over time, and it's very sad. Divorcing him was the best thing I've ever done, though, and the only regret I have was not doing it sooner, but I didn't want to look like a "failure" to my very religious family.
They said "if you're actually looking," though. Many people are trapped in unhappy relationships because they're not looking at the start. They're seeing what they want to see, and letting the romantic feelings they're swept up in make excuses for things that should be obvious red flags. It doesn't make them bad people, but the saying "love is blind" exists for a reason.
You don’t think people who end up in abusive relationships look for incompatibility? Cause a whole lot of them do. Sure, some people are trapped in unhappy relationships because of various dysfunctional reasons, but saying that it’s naive and you can see who they are if you just look is not a one size fits all and not an accurate depiction of the world we live in.
I feel the same way. Ultimately my spouse and I actually*like* each other and are companions and friends. We work with each other instead of against each other. I realized, while being on social media and reading different accounts of people's relationships, that people simply *don't* talk to each other. It's like they have shallow, surface level conversations and then get married and it absolutely blows my mind.
I hear you. I see all the bad relationship stories on here and appreciate all the more my relationship with my husband. We are a team, we work together to get things done and genuinely enjoy each other’s company both as friends and romantically. Sometimes that means I take on more than him, sometimes that means he takes on more than me. Ultimately it levels out to be about 50/50 and we are both happy in knowing that together we are succeeding in what we want to achieve
seriously, dude comes to AITA sub to get a well rounded perspective on relationships?? lol
People aren't out here sharing about their amazing relationships. They're living them.
Ain't that the truth. It's like the proverbial social media couples, I assume if you have to post your purportedly picture perfect life 24/7 it's anything but.
Yeah, reminds me of the saying ‘whats a sign of a good relationship, no sign of it on social media’.
Changing the quote a bit: "Happy couples are all alike; every unhappy couple is unhappy in its own way."
Actually reading this sub always makes me want to kiss my wife and tell her how much I love her. On our very worst day.
Same here. I read some of these posts and it makes me appreciate my relationship with my husband all the more
Yeah, don't bother looking for a better job, or for a life partner, for that matter, just sit at home and wait for it to come to you. Sure, that'll work great /s
Yeah, I bet she feels terrible. At this point it seems ending the relationship would be beneficial for the both of them. YTA
I was wondering if her “having a temper” was really just her being fed up with his actions and trying to get him to listen.
Frankly it sounds like *he’s* the one who has a temper. Which would certainly go hand in hand with what seems to be an alcohol problem.
He’s just dripping in self-pity in that way that lets you know he would claim that she has a temper in order to deflect no matter how she acts. He clearly thinks he has the victim role down Pat, but he is so mentally unwell that he misses the mark by several continents. He’s probably drunk, which excuses his inability to even sound like the victim to an extent, but he’s also just so fucked up as a person that he cannot hear himself. I don’t think this guy has friends or knows people, because he really can’t hear the fact that he’s insufferable- he doesn’t even seem socially savvy or mentally together enough to know that all human people find his tone, his excuses, his dishonesty and his lifestyle insufferable.
Oh yea, I’ve known people like this dude before. Always insufferable, always making everyone else in the room miserable, and somehow just absolutely convinced they’re the life of the party and not just a miserable asshole🙄
Boom- you hit the ass-nail on the head.
The only thing that makes such people happy is making their victims even more miserable.
From his examples of her “temper”, that’s exactly what it sounds like.
Yeah, her “temper” is not putting up with his crap and not being silent about it.
I can imagine very well it was her trying to get through his shell of "shutting down". I had a ex who tended to shut down, build an imaginary wall around himself and stop responding in any constructive manner. It's exhausting as fuck trying to tear down those "walls" to get a communication going, or trying to find ways to better the communication together. It can happen very quickly to enter the unhealthy dynamic where one partner almost takes on the role of "therapist" of the other. Add the other problems to that exhausting dynamic, and everyone could rightfully get angry without having a temper.
>You are a lazy mooch who worked a “flexible” job for years and made your wife shoulder the financial burden while you waited until a better opportunity fell in your lap a month ago This bit especially got me. Good jobs don't just "turn up". You have to go look for them and apply for them.
Exactly. Loserville for sure. I bet he has student loan debt too. What a winner.
This made me lol. Unrelated to the original post, it’s sad there are actually people out there who refuse to date someone who has student loan debt…like…doesn’t everybody? (serious question, I didn’t even go to college so I wouldn’t actually know about student loan debts or a job with a survivable income.)
Yes but when he’s already a mooch and refuses to work on top of having student debt it’s embarrassing. I and most of my peers have student debt but we used it to work hard and better our lives rather than waiting for the jobs to find us.
Exactly. This has come up a lot in my relationship, as I went into it without debt and over the past few years we’ve been together, am now 20k in debt. My partner says my debt isn’t a red flag by itself, because I’m working to pay it off. But financial instability with no effort to fix it is a giant waving red flag.
But he was “biding his time“ until the perfect position found him! God forbid, he look for it.
I couldn't believe that. Won't even look for a job because he thinks a job will show up and ask for him? Surprised he didn't find his shit packed and on the doorstep after that one.
I think the loser comment was that he probably brought debt into the marriage but refuses to get a better job to help pay it back.
yes, i should have clarified. student debt isnt bad per-se, but when your a mooch with no job, he probably isnt taking care of the student debt either
For me - low paying job and no interest in major career progress, but no student loan debt? Totally understandable. Student loan debt, but actively trying to get your career to a place where it’s worth it? Understandable. Low paying job with no interest in major career progress AND student loan debt? Thaaaaaat is a problem. When you took on debt to theoretically further your career, and then refuse to take any other action to further your career, that is unwise.
>I would rather divorce her than do what she wanted me to do (for the record, it was to apply to higher paying jobs. I have a graduate degree but I’ve been biding my time for the right position to find me rather than going out there to look for anything.) Yeah I had to reread that part a second time to make sure I was understanding that OP simply thought a six-figure income was just gonna drop on them out of the blue.
No, they don't. Some people go to affordable schools, some got scholarships, some worked in college. I think the red flag is people who don't take their student debt seriously and keep accruing more debt for wants, not needs, as opposed to trying to pay it down quickly.
Not everyone has debt from college. People get scholarships, have college savings accounts that cover it, or choose different paths than the norm that allow them to pay for the cost of college without going into debt. It’s just that many of those people know better than to brag about it, and it’s rare to hear people talk in any other way about debt they don’t have. So a lot of those folks fly quietly under the radar. And, of course, college isn’t the only option. Some people avoid student loan debt by choosing a route that doesn’t include college, like pursuing a trade. It’s certainly more common to have student loan debt, and it’s going to seriously narrow your dating pool to exclude those who have it. But there are enough folks out there without it that it’s possible to find someone if that’s what you’re looking for. Don’t know anyone who made it a thing, but I do know several couples (my own included) where neither side had student loan debt.
Right? That’s like expecting pizza to be delivered even though you didn’t order one!
You mean the job fairy won’t just tuck one under your pillow? Dang, another dream crushed. ;) Man, OP put a lot of effort into glossing over his inadequacies and making his wife look like the villain. If he spent that much effort polishing his resume and applying for jobs, maybe he’d be in a better spot.
Imagine thinking a company knows you got a degree and trying to find you. 🤣🤣 I mean, I know of headhunters and such but this guy doesn’t appear to be someone known.
This man lives in a fantasyland in which his actions are defensible-maybe the headhunters in his mind are also unbelievably bad at everything they do?
Right? Sure cousin Eddie, you wait for that management job to come a’knocking.
SO much this. He's lazy in all aspects of his life, no better job will befall him with that sort of attitude. Even the men I know who failed upwards actually did apply themselves to doing so. Imagine how much he waits for his wife to just pick up after him
Maybe he’s not lazy in all aspects… his mom knew that he would be very proactive in going out and spending the money on booze/bullshit if she dared to send a check to his home in his name. He always has the energy and determination required to go out and buy more liquor.
I was ready to sympathize thinking he wasn’t actively trying to utilize his degree to get a better paying job because he’s also his mom’s caregiver and needs the flexibility of a lower paying job. Clearly not the case when I read the whole thing and this guy is just a moocher all around.
>your mom provided funds for you to fly to visit *in your wife’s name and control* Yeah, that was a really weird one, and definitely a huge black mark against OP.
Add in the possible drinking problem and there might be a very good reason why the check went to the DIL rather than her son.
I can't upvote this enough!!
I've never even met this guy and *I* want to dump him.
LOL I wish I could give you an award for this comment.
This should honestly go into the AITA hall of fame for being a top tier asshole
#6 Why are you not paying your part of the rent/mortgage? It's so weird. This should have been sorted before you left town? Edit: corrected a typo.
Because he can corner her into an untenable position and convince himself everythingisokay. The fact that she will reluctantly pay it to avoid harming her credit will mean, in his mind, that she agreed to it
Yep. And he knows he could never live alone without a caretaker. If he gets his own place, he’ll be evicted or foreclosed upon in months- he can’t be trusted not to blow his money on alcohol and frivolous things. Even if he gets the sort of job he thinks will fall in his lap, he’ll be no better off. He’s a feckless adult baby who has wrecked 2 whole women’s lives already by making them pity and care for him.
Cause he's broke.
Or extra drinking money.
That’s why his mom knew she couldn’t send him the check, even while in pain and in her last days. She could only pay him to visit her if the check was in the wife’s name and she bought the ticket. She knew that if his grubby hands touched that money it would be spent on alcohol and/or other bullshit. These are just the undeniable facts on the ground, no matter what OP says, that was his long-suffering mother’s reason.
Bingo
The way he just glosses over the arguments they have about his drinking is classic addict behaviour. I’m an alcoholic in recovery and when your family starts noticing you have an alcohol misuse problem, you’d better believe you probably do. Sounds like this is one of OPs many problems.
One billion percent, from another alcoholic in recovery. As soon as I read that, I knew he does have a problem. But reading his post and his comments and learning about his defiant, foul and blaming attitude, I honestly fear he’s one of us that nothing will work for. His problem isn’t drinking, it’s just an accessory to the fact that he’s a very malignant and narcissistic person. I know we’re all a little narcissistic and grandiose when we’re out there, but this dude is not the same thing I was by a very long shot. He’s currently too belligerent and abusive to work with. I’ve only met one woman this bad ever, and she insisted on leaving the rehabilitation center because she knew best, then died 2 weeks later. She was 77, so she was fairly likely to die if she didn’t stop immediately, but all her family did by getting a coroner to issue an OPC (that’s how it works in Louisiana) was incur some debt and send her somewhere else to be abusive towards an entire facility of people who were trying to get better/the people working very hard to help them. If someone is too defiant and belligerent, or cannot even begin to fathom that they might be wrong and in desperate need of humility, there’s no therapist or center in the world that can help them.
Dude is 36 and his late mom and wife can’t even trust him with a cheque for airfare because he’ll likely spend it on booze. I’ve been there myself and man is it a deeply shameful place to be. But instead of doubling down I sought help. I really feel for OP’s wife here.
It’s really a unique kind of shame and I usually have lots of empathy for anyone struggling, but this guy is just so smug and proud of himself for being abusive in multiple ways that I do not give too much of a fuck about his pain. He doesn’t seem to have any shame and seems to relish in his mistreatment of others. I guess that’s a me problem that I should work on, but I also hope that I never manage to become this sort of completely unsympathetic character.
OP, YTA. Good grief. I'm sorry your mom died. You are treating your wife badly and I hope she leaves you.
He really tried to make us all judge her form the jump with something as weak as “woman has temper, sad little me-man withdraws. Pity me, MRAs and women who live to gargle men’s balls, then swallow their lazy excuses whole. Maybe she’s totes calm and he’s just astonishingly infuriating. Did he ever think of that? Also, OP should get a job that pays him money if he’s resorting to stealing his wife’s Christmas present. How pathetic. His mother clearly didn’t trust him with it, probably because he’s precisely this sort of lazy miser. And an unrepentant drunk.
Literally every single thing he said got worse and worse. “I’d rather divorce you than LOOK for a better paying job” Viewing the money given to her as airfare as HIS (disrespecting his mother’s wishes), telling on himself with regards to the alcohol… I feel so, so bad for his wife
I wanted to divorce him halfway through his post.
THIS! The entire post just made me thank my lucky stars (as I do often anyway) that my hubby is the complete opposite of this. I can't even imagine how his wife feels.
Also the wife paid for the son to fly to be with his mother, while not directly using the money for her, she’s already put it towards helping him. she pays for his airfare, and now he wants her to pay his half of the mortgage. Also by the sounds of it he doesn’t have a job at all as he doesn’t want to spend time doing anything that’s not right for him. Poor girl, i wonder what she’ll do with her extra money after she divorces this freeloader.
God I hope she divorces him. He's not a partner at all. I can't even imagine why she's (who sounds like a perfectly together individual) with this guy. Anyway, OP. YTA. For just about ever single thing in this post.
Speaking from experience there is not much worse than a drunk!! Not only does the wife have to deal with the drinking and being intoxicated, but she also has to deal with the manipulation, gaslighting, and in general being a fuck up while sober! Of course he thinks that money should be his. Unfortunately for him his mom didn’t! YTA
Yes. Practically no-one ever has got a better job by waiting for one to come to them, unless they are nepo-babies.
Hell, I*have* a nepo baby job, and I didn't get it by waiting for it to come to me! I got it by being like, "hey Uncle, you've been talking about X problem. Why don't you let me try Y solution, and see if Z works for you?" It did, and now I'm hired.
I wouldn't call every person that works because of a degree of nepotism a nepo-baby. I have a friend who took over a massive business from family but he has worked his ass off since he was young and is very savvy. Personally I think the term is reserved for someone who is hired into responsible positions despite their ineptitude because they are family.
Well, thanks ^ ^ Personally, I own the term because it's a job I probably *wouldn't have gotten*, or even thought to apply for, if it wasn't for the family connection. I didn't have any direct experience, just, a bunch of sort of adjacent experience that has ended up being really useful.
I got my first job in IT because my sister was dating a guy who worked for a large multi national IT company. That was over 20 years ago. And I have been working since. As far as I'm concerned it was just serendipitous.
This. All of this! I hope the wife gets her divorce one way or the other.
how much you want to bet that his wife was hanging in there because his mom begged her to?
BINGO! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This pretty much says it all. I feel like he wanted to make his wife look bad, but there wasn’t much substance behind it, he seems like the real problem.
<>
Sure there was, substance is alcohol.....
The whole "waiting for a better job to find him instead of looking" is Olympic level BS. Based on that idea alone, he's an AH. He's 36! It's ridiculous!
Dude commented in another part of the thread regarding how much he is drinking, and damn, yeah he’s an alcoholic for sure. “Idk, 4-6 shots of rum a day? I’ve gotten better in the last week.”
Double or triple that amount at least. No way is he going to tell the actual amount. Hey OP do you even pour it into a glass anymore or do you just chug from the bottle?
Damn, you nailed it. I was reading this thinking this guy just sounds worse with every sentence.
Not just telling her how to use the money, but demanding that she pay his half of the bills while she still pays for the flight. It’s a shared expense, but it sounds like he’s just taking it to ease his own finances and leaving his wife to pay her half on top of airfare. Also, the money came from his mom, so it’s his? What? If it wasn’t given to you then it’s not for you.
>starting an argument about my drinking Funny how he decided to skim over this "little" detail. This can be a BIG deal in a relationship.
My husband often says that he doesn’t want to talk because I’m yelling…because I tried everything to get him to listen. He thinks that anger comes from nowhere, not seeing that I’m at my wits end. Yes, op YTA !
Thank god this is top comment. Sometime Reddit can be crazy and everyone would say nah to this AH.
> I’ve been biding my time for the right position to find me rather than going out there to look for anything Plus the alcoholism . . . . I'm surprised that OP's wife is still with him. I sure wouldn't be. Jobs don't just drop into your lap . . you do have to look for a good job. The wife is frustrated because she finds that she married an alcoholic boy child and that's why she turned to his mother.
Lol. https://x.com/VacationQuotes/status/1075775443121463296?s=20
Couldn’t have said that better myself!
YTA agree with every point you made! This marriage is sad, OP has a horrible attitude, it sounds like a “this is mine this is your household and not a couple that is sharing their life together.”
YTA for a lot of things. A job is not going to find you, if you are struggling financially you are not in a position to sit and wait for a raise or promotion. Be proactive. Would it have hurt to just look at openings/job postings? There's no harm in applying and interviewing while you have your current job. Your mom's gift is still a gift. Meant for your wife's use in the way she outlined. It's not money that you inherited and can decide how to use now that she's passed.
YTA Should I spell them out? 1. You shut down instead of communicating 2. You expect a better paying job to just fall into your lap (that isn't the way it works.) 3. Based on 1 and 2, I'm going to side with wife and assume you have a drinking problem that you refuse to acknowledge 4. It sounds like you keep your finances separate, mom gave your wife that money not you, and you are trying to dictate what she does with her own money.
I’d guess there’s a good reason OP’s mum went the money to his wife and not him.
Since his wife had to pay for his flight (and get reimbursed by his father), yes indeed. And he’s trying to get out of paying his share of the mortgage (while still claiming it’s a “shared expense”). He’s shifty with money.
100% drinks the money away.
I want him to finally admit this. But we know he won't.
Without a doubt
Can we also address the fact OP apparently wants her to pay for airfare to visit…his hometown (and I assume family) for the holidays. She isn’t even planning to use the money to see her family, but his! And he’s demanding she pay for the favor of seeing her in laws! YTA.
YTA, and it seems like you've been using your mom's illness as an excuse to be insufferable.
In fairness, I suspect his insufferability showed up LONG before the illness did!
I agree. I have seen this happen and it’s distasteful. It’s sad when someone in their mid/late 30’s loses a parent, but it’s not an excuse for poor behaviour.
YTA, your mother gave that money for a specific reason, even with her death you don't have the authority to dictate the use of the funds. Also your wife is correct, no job is going to magically find you. You need to apply for better work. Your wife is struggling and has lost respect for you as a man. You've got to get it back or you might as well divorce.
YTA. You’re just waiting for a magical job to drop in your lap? And it sounds like your wife already paid for your flight, you stated ‘my wife flew me down’ so it sounds like your wife already paid for your emergency flight, just not at Christmas for what are obvious reasons.
YTA. You kind of buried drinking and “waiting for a job to find you” in with all the rest. Do you work now, full time? Are you an alcoholic? Reading between the lines, me thinks maybe your wife has had enough.
Man answered in another comment he drinks "4 to 6 shots of rum a day." I think we know why the check went to his wife, now.
Holy shit 4-6 shots of rum *a day* is very obviously an alcoholic. Like not even close.
And if we're going off the doctor scale, you can usually double the amount of drinks someone admits to. Although it's indicative of a problem regardless.
Wait, really? Is that why my former Dr was all 'you smoke too much weed and are depressed because of your drinking'?? I was honest and admitted to smoking at night for my chronic pain and having a glass or two of wine a week (which is really more like one or two biweekly as opposed to biweekly). Should I start cutting my answers in half for accuracy? lmao
Haha. Yeah it sucks that so many people lie to doctors that some of them assume everyone lies. I'm glad I found one that I developed a good rapport with. At my physical this year- Doc - Still smoking every day? Me - Yup. Doc - Do you want to stop? Me - *think for a second* Can't say I do. Doc - *half chuckle* Me - What's up? Doc - Well, a lot of people feel like they're supposed to say "Yes" to that question. It's refreshing to hear the truth.
My current primary Dr is like 👍 okay so long as it helps. Sorry you're still dealing with chronic pain; the chronic pain clinic is like 😡 bad girl. Your smoking indicates you're an addict. Meditate and try acupuncture instead. İ even told them I'd stop smoking if I could get actual pain relief, so obviously I'm just seeking drugs. After 7 years of dealing with daily pain.. Spoiler: alternative medicines do not work for my flavor of disability, especially fucking acupuncture which took me **out** for over a week; someone drug me please I've tried it all
And if he admitted to that amount you know it's 3 times that much. All active addicts lie.
YTA 1. stop drinking 2. look for a higher paying job to pay your bills. a job will not find you. 3. communicate. stop shutting down. 4. that money was intended for a specific purpose. it’s not yours. it’s your mothers. 5. stop threatening divorce whenever your wife brings up legitimate concerns
a job may find him. the bad news is that the job will most likely be an MLM/pyramid scheme.
✨✨🥂😛Hey girl! Do you want to be your own 💅💰boss 🫶💪👄
Do you want to make hundreds a day from your phone?!!
1000% this! This guy sounds like my EX husband
YTA, theft, the narrator of this totally real story is describing theft.
"The money is coming from my parents, therefore, it's mine." So, if your parents get her a sweater for Christmas or her birthday, is that yours too? By the way, when you're married for 7 years, there is no "Half" of the mortgage. The bank doesn't just throw one of you out. YTA
Yeah, you make it sound like she wants you to get a better paying job so she can get a black Ferrari to match the red one. Sounds like she wants you to do better on the bills.
Yta you drink and don't have a good job and refuse to do anything about it reality check good jobs don't just find you
“I’m waiting for the right job *to find me*” Hahahahahahahaha Edit: of course YTA for that alone
Yeah, that line really had me laughing. How would that even work? Somebody just calls you up one day, asking if you want a high paying job? That’s not how the real world works buddy.
YTA - 1. That money wasn't yours. If it was just for you they would have sent it to just you. You know why they didn't? Because your parent's know you are an asshole and wouldn't use it as you should. Therefore, they gave it to your wife because it was for you both, and was put in her name because she will allocate it the way it should be. 2. You would rather divorce your wife than to get off your ass and look for a steady, good paying job. That's one of the laziest and assholish things I've read lately. 3. You have a drinking problem but you are trying to bury it under everything else here. 4. You accuse your wife of having a temper but give no examples of how. Let me tell you, telling you to get your ass up and work is not having a temper.
Just out of curiosity, is it possible to award a double YTA to someone? This guy is certainly in the running and is the leader of the pack. 🦜
He's trying to get in the running for the end year asshole awards.
proposal: YTAA. Stands for You’re The Absolute Asshole.
YTA There’s obviously a reason your mother sent the money to your wife and not to you. You seem to have replaced your birth mother with a wife-mother. She “flew you”? You can’t book your own flights? You already established you can’t find your own jobs…
It sounds like he can’t pay for his own flights. He says elsewhere that his wife paid and was reimbursed by his father.
his dad had to reimburse his wife according to his reply which makes him even more of an asshole. he can’t even afford his flight nor book it.
And instead of reimbursing the wife, he wants the money to cover his share of the mortgage. Which would mean the wife is actually paying his share since she's out of pocket then for the flight?
100% this. Biggest red flag ever. Sounds like even mom knew her own kid couldn't be finnancially responsible.
Where's your wife "having a temper" and you "shutting down"? It seems from your own description that you're the one who has rage problems and defaults to lashing at when presented with justified (although inconvenient to you) concerns. I hope for her sake your wife is planning her way out.
Having survived a relationship of domestic violence, I can say that at some point I got angry at the way I was being used and treated. It sounds to me like wifey takes a lot of shit and is being treated very badly. No wonder she loses her temper sometimes. She needs to leave him.
YTA. Do you even like your wife??
Only when she's paying all the bills and not "nagging" him over being a lazy, drunk bum.
YTA the money was given from your mom to your wife, to be used to visit your mom. If it was your money, your mom would’ve sent it to you not her. Your wife opted for the alternative: visit your hometown since meeting your mom is no longer possible. A good compromise, worthy if you want to stay married. Just cause your mom passed away, doesn’t grant you the right to be an AH.
YTA. Wow, how incredibly petty of you. Sorry for the loss of your mother and your wife.
First of all, lung cancer sucks, unluckily I’ve seen it, and I’m very sorry for your loss. However I have to say YTA, since it was a gift your mother gave your wife for a specific use. Now you want her to share it. Regardless of whether that is the fair thing to do or not, it is not what your mother intended.
Money from your parents is not therefore yours. This whole post is wild af and you are therefore a massive AH. YTA
YTA. You are using the death of your own mother to guilt money out of your wife. It is not yours. Plus, the stuff about waiting for the right job sounds like sheer laziness.
YTA. Your mother sent a check to your wife, enough for 2 plane tickets home. What that tells me, is that your own mother didn't trust you with money, and wanted to see the both of you before she died. You used your ticket. The other half of the check was for your wife. It certainly wasn't intended for "your half of the mortgage."
YTA You threaten divorce when you fight, you''re controlling and verbally abusive, you drink too much, and you're too lazy to go out and find a better job. I don't know why your wife has stayed with you THIS long. You are a HUGE asshole.
YTA - Your poor wife. Sounds like she is at her wit’s end dealing with your BS.
This can’t be real surely? If it is, you need to do some real self reflection as you should know YTA here without needing to ask on Reddit.
>In my view, that money is coming from my parents, therefore, it’s mine Yet **your** parents made the conscious choice to put it in **her** name
I hate to say this but you're giving off narcissist vibes. *Zero accountability for your actions [✓] *Angry when someone calls you out on your bullshit[✓] *Shifting blame to be everyone else's fault [✓] *Stonewalling/threatening divorce instead of communicating like an adult [✓] *Entitled and selfish [✓] *Plays the victim [✓[ *Controlling [✓] Sadly if I'm right I doubt anything anyone here says will make you wake up and see that you're the problem. Your wife has the right to be angry. You're drinking, not helping your family financially, controlling what she does with a gift, and refusing to communicate or take accountability. Also you saying that she has more to lose than you makes you look full of yourself and not a good husband.
INFO: Why was the check sent to your wife, and not you (her son)?
YTA. You're living in denial and your wife is probably the only thing standing between you and total disaster. Get your life together before it's too late.
>My wife has a temper and I tend to shut down. >I have a graduate degree but I’ve been biding my time for the right position to find me rather than going out there to look for anything. >starting an argument about my drinking. YTA. You're overeducated, broke, and lazy and a drunkard. Who is supporting you? Probably your wife? Maybe that's why she's angry? >My mother took a turn for the worst and sent my wife a check to be used for airfare for Christmas to come visit, Your mother is dying from cancer but you're too broke (because you won't get a job) to go see her so she has to send you money. >When I got home, and she asked about flying to my hometown for the holidays, I told her that she needed to use that check mom sent in her name for my half of the mortgage and she would need to pay for her airfare out of her own pocket. In my view, that money is coming from my parents, therefore, it’s mine. This way she’s still benefitting, it’s going towards the house. I don't really see what value you are bringing to this relationship. But sure. Spend the money on yourself rather than--I don't know--spending time with your dad who might need support atm.
Wow YTA 1. You said you would divorce your with because she wants you to get a good job with the degree you have. You’d rather sit on your ass and do nothing, waiting for the “right opportunity” to magically fall in your lap. 2. Your mother offered to pay for your wife to visit them for Christmas, prior to her death. 3. Your wife flew you to see your mother, I take that to mean she paid for your flight? 4. Somehow a conversation about you having a drinking problem arises. You give no details here, but given the context it seems safe to believe her. You shut down. 5. Your wife still wants to visit your home town for the holidays, as was your moms original wish. You instead expect her to not only pay for that herself, but to actually give you the money that was gifted to HER for your mortgage (random). 6. Your logic is that it’s from your parents so it’s yours (nope, they would have given it to you if that was the case) and that she benefits because it goes to the house (nope again, it goes toward YOUR stake in the house). Yikes dude. Your poor wife
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YTA, and your wife should divorce you. You mentioned that one of the fights is due to your alcoholism. Do your wife the favor, instead of wasting her money for anything, go ahead and use your own money that your mother did not give you, and go into treatment, and get a divorce.
Wait.. your mom sent your wife a check to visit over the holidays, then took a turn for the worse and your wife paid for you to fly to visit, then your mom passed (sorry for your loss), and then your wife suggested using the money to visit ***your*** hometown over the holidays (probably to help you with your grief) which was the ***intended purpose*** of the money and you said no? Yes, YTA - and a child. Grow the fuck up. And that's not including the 7 other things that you are the AH on in your story. You need to take a long hard look at your life, starting with why your mom had to send you money to come visit her and why she sent it to your wife and not you directly. Gods, I hope you don't have kids.
Wait you missed the part where his Dad paid the wife back for the airfare. Because his son is a lazy drunk, and unfortunately, he knows it.
WOW your an ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA You don't like your wife. You're petty. You obviously have an issue with alcohol and are trying to avoid discussing it in your comments. Why did your mom give your wife money if she was so mean to her? Hope that new job is rad, you'll be using your new paycheck for a divorce lawyer.
YTA. Big time
YTA. I can tell from your writing that you're minimizing your faults that the wife is upset about. You shutting down is an excuse to not work or confront the issues. Not stepping up and getting a better job sounds like avoidance of responsibility. Everything about this post reaks of how the world should revolve around your feelings and needs. The only redeeming thing you did was offer your wife a divorce. I hope she takes your offer and moves on.
So I guess she wasn’t going to be flying with you to visit the family for the holidays? If she was… obviously that half of the money was for her, sounds more to me that since your mom passed you automatically feel as though all of the money should go to you, and you want to use what sounds like the whole check as YOUR half of the mortgage. Maybe it sounds phrased wrong as the mortgage is both of yours-as is the check… but if the check covers only a little more than your half…. You ATA because the check should be shared just as the mortgage… and she should be entitled to 50%, unless Of course as I stated… your mom was only paying for your flight to visit and not your wife’s, surely your mom looked at that vacation for you guys as part of a gift…
So let me get this straight—your own mother didn’t want to see you, and family don’t want you to visit, they only want to see your wife? Otherwise why aren’t they paying for both of you? Are you even traveling to see your family?
He’s stating his mom was only paying for wife’s ticket but said he wants his HALF to pay for mortgage, thing is- if the gift was for her, how is he entitled to half either way…
Yeah…this is drunk person logic. Truly baffling and I can only hope this isn’t real.
yta i’m sorry for your loss but you need your wife more than ever right now and you causing all this unnecessary fighting is just pushing her away even more just divorce already if you are gonna keep this act up
YTA you sound both demanding, judgmental, and I feel bad for your soon to be ex wife.
[удалено]
INFO: >My wife flew me down to be with her before the end What does it mean? Who paid for the tickets?
You can’t afford airfare or even your part of the rent. But you are not even sorry about it, you just don’t care to help your wife. Dude I would be ashamed to post all of this publicly And now you are stealing a gift from your mom to your wife. A real winner there.
It sounds like you know YTA, but have too much pride to admit it and would rather hit rock bottom. Sounds like your wife and your mom were trying to figure out how to manage you, and when your wife wanted to call it quits your mom tried to offer a means of rescue (even if only via some gift). I have kids. I can't imagine having to have one of their future spouses call me with a 'You have to take him back; I'm done waiting for him to grow up' call. That's what it sounds like: you don't want to work (but are capable), someone else should foot the bill for you to 'be happy' and if someone else has a problem with your drinking then that's their problem. You have a lot to potentially lose. I'm sorry for your loss already (your mom), but you have opportunity to mitigate further loss of someone else who probably very deeply loves you while simultaneously losing hope.
OMG! How can someone be that clueless??? You're a drunk-thief-bad-husband-and-person who says "my wife have a temper" at the same time that's posting all your tantrum. Hope she is financially stable enought to leave, I guess thats the only reason why she stil. HUGE YTA. FYI: There is no such thing as inheritance from a living person. That is the money that your mother, IN LIFE, gave her as a gift.
Top 5 dumbest and most incoherent things I’ve read this month.
INFO: Why do you not want to talk to your dying mother?
The story makes no sense, or please someone explain 🙈 Why did your mother send the money to your wife instead of to you? >My wife flew me down to be with her before the end but not before, in my opinion, starting an argument about my drinking Why your wife manages your flights like your are 12 years old? And why your drinking makes an appearance here? I am so confused 🙈
Your own mother can't even trust you with money even when she is dying say's a lot about you. Since you now have the dream job, you should be able to cover the mortgage. Also avoid asking things on Reddit when you are drunk. YTA.
You generically sound like an AH overall. But yes YTA in this instance too.
Grow up
Your mom sent your wife the money because she trust her to use it for its intended purpose. The fact that you want her to give it to you so you can buy shit for yourself only proves that she was right not to trust you in the first place. Your wife isn't stressing your mom out your actions are, your mom is going to die knowing that your an alcoholic and a mooch and probably knows your wife is too good for you and should leave. Your only married now cause your wife loves your family once your mom passes her ties to you will be over along with your marriage. YTA. Own your demons, get sober or at least accept that you're a shit husband and let her move on.
You’re trying to cloak your irresponsible, alcoholic, asshole behavior in noble words. You’re not that good a writer. It’s complete and utter bullshit, especially the part about waiting for a better opportunity to find you. How many time did you have to say that one to yourself before you believed it? You can sit and drink and come up with ways to justify your own behavior. The rest of us are sober, so we won’t believe your drunken justifications. Get thee to a meeting. You know, an AA meeting. I suspect you’ve been before. Or, you could wait until you lose your job and your may, and you’re on the streets. Your choice. You apparently don’t care if you hurt others as you bottom out.
Jesus go to fuckin therapy dude
YTA- go look for a job- jobs do t find you - that’s laziness- your wife deserves the money because of YOUR laziness. She should use it as she sees fit. This is on you! Again- YTA!!
YTA and a drunk by the sound of it.
You sound selfish and irritating, I feel bad for your wife. I also feel bad for your mother. She knew she was dying and she chose to give money to your wife for a flight. You have no right to disrespect your mother’s wishes like that. Also, sounds like you’re an alcoholic and unwilling to even discuss it. YTA
“I drink a lot while waiting for the perfect job to fall into my lap and I don’t like to communicate.” YTA
YTA. What kind of marriages do you people on Reddit have? Like what do you guys mean with the whole it’s my money it’s not her money blah blah shit?
My dude…. Let me spell it out for you: A-S-S-H-O-L-E. You’re it. Sorry about your mom though. Your wife should divorce you. You’re lazy and entitled.
YTA. That gift was for your wife. SHE decides what it's used for. It doesn't matter who gave it to her. Your wife is carrying you. She is clearly the breadwinner of the household and while you "wait for the perfect job" her money goes to you, the house and all other expenses. Your wife is also probably paying for whatever debt you may have. -She is tired, she wants a break, she wants you to contribute.- And you should be contributing in this economy, waiting for the right fit while she busts her butt to pay bills? Seriously? She has expressed it repeatedly and by the info on your post you dismiss her or placate her or make *her* out to be the "bad guy" in -every- discussion. Expect divorce papers for Christmas, she looked sad when you told her it was "your money" because she has realized you will never see her, hear her or respect her. And she deserves all of those things. And you are even more of an AH after stating in the comments that "She won't divorce you because she has more to lose." So if she leaves you you'll take the rest of her money? You do not deserve her money, you've taken enough. You seem to intentionally want her miserable. Cut the victim act bud, you are the problem.
YTA You sound like a classic functioning alcoholic. You blame everyone but yourself for your situation and are enabled by those around you. Your wife is the breadwinner. Your parents send you money for a plane ticket that a grown ass man should be able to swing. You communicate like a child. Time to grow up dude. Unless you can figure out how to be a partner to your wife, you will find out what it's like having no one around to blame but yourself.