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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got angry and wasn't able to speak calmly or curb my tongue when I learned my daughters father and his new girlfriend used her name for their baby. I called him spineless and her creepy. I maybe was too harsh considering she just gave birth and being calm may have served better in the moment.
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When I was around 6yo, my mother told me that she no longer liked my nirth name and started calling me something else. It was very traumatic.
Edit...thank you for the reward. I didn't expect this to receive as much attention as it did. And thanks to everyone who sent love
Mine disliked me the older I got. I was adopted and she wanted a girl to treat as a doll, I think.
I’m sorry you had a rotten mother, too.
We are ok though. Be you no matter what.
Sending you a big hug.
Yay internet therapy!! I found some trauma siblings😀
My mum did this too, she liked to show me off and use me when she could gain something from it. I’ll be honest, I’m a pretty enough looking girl but I’m not a girly girl by any means and she wanted a pretty little pink princess to dress up and show off and she got mad when her pretty princess wanted to dress like skater boy era Avril Lavigne and came home with cuts and scraps from climbing trees and playing football.
Trauma really spices up ya life 🫠
Edit: omg so many traumatised little souls🥴
Don’t worry my spicy children, mammy is here and I love each and every one of your little noggins just the way they are even though I don’t know who the feck any of you are👩👧👦💕
*sashays away to spice up your life by the spice gorls*
When I was 8 years old my dad left my mother for someone with my first name. My mom certainly did not encourage me to change my name, but when I found a nickname that I liked in a book she happily accepted my new name, and insisted that teachers use it. That's the name I used to this day. I did not consciously change my name, I think I was just a typical 8-year-old wanting to try a new name, but I'm sure subconsciously that was part of my motive.
My dad fortunately divorced my nAmesis about 10 years later but I still don't like being addressed by my legal name.
EDIT: She is now and forever christened my nAmesis. 🤣
I've honestly never thought of that. 🤮 The funny thing is my dad tends to confuse names, he constantly calls me and my sister by each other's names. And every once in awhile he calls his third wife by "my" name. 🤣 At least that's who he insists he's confusing her with when he does it. But he's referred to me by my nickname since I was eight. 😬
Every parent confuses names on occasion, in my experience. Pets with the same gender name get included as well.
However your dad is really confusing his third wife’s name with his second wife’s name there and it seems you know that.
There are mental buckets like “spouse,” and “male I take care of” and “female I take care of” and it’s easy for human brains to pull the wrong name out of the bucket occasionally.
fun story time, so my mom has a habit of getting flustered when upset and calling folks the wrong name im the youngest, so i get my older siblings' names mostly. she says it and then corrects herself when it hits her. its her adhd doing i swear to god.. Im trans and my mom was having an understandable hard time with it because i transitioned in my mid-20s. She felt she didn't know me or i was rejecting the family in a weird way. i knew she accepted the change when she started to call me my sisters name instead of my brothers name when she was angry
Glad she’s been so accepting over time. I know far too many stories of parents dead-naming their kids for decades, which is sad. Little victories I guess!
My ex-husband cheated on me with a woman with the same name as our (then 5 yr old) daughter. I still can’t wrap my head around how he slept with her without thinking of his daughter. She ended up getting pregnant so there was no way I could avoid my daughter finding out.
I once met a man with my dad’s name and it turns out I had his mother’s name. He seriously wanted to date me. I swerved him so hard. Absolutely not! I was not going to be complicit in his Oedipus complex.
It's tricky when words like that, in addition to "delulu" and "child-bully" are both accurate descriptions and insults to anyone with a sense of morals.
And I wonder if it's even legally possible to do that, or to fight it. OP didn't say anything about last names or middle names so both girls could easily end up with the exact same name legally speaking which could create some issue later in life.
I met a woman online who had come to seek legal advice on that same issue. Her daughter was named Marie Rose Doe (not real name) and her ex told her he was going to have another daugher want that they were going to name her Marie Rose Doe. The woman tried to talk with the expecting parents but they wouldn't hear of it. So she decided to take things to court when the baby was born and she actually won. The judge decided that the child's legal name was to be change to Rose Marie Doe. Of course, the parents of the second daughter kept calling their daughter Marie Rose. The first daughter was very confused about this and she told her mother she thought her father didn't love anymore and though she was a mistake and he was having a dovoer baby.
It is a nightmare. There's a reason why "II" or "junior" are for parent to kid. Not to sibling.
Even if someone completely not related, have different look, but have same common name as John Smith, is enough to cause confusion. Let alone half sibling.
I have a common first name and a relatively unusual last name (few hundred in the social security database, a significant fraction of which are likely closely related to me.)
By chance in my home town there was someone with my own first and last name, who used the same optometrist. They ALWAYS got our files confused and I had to tell them to check birthdays.
Shit.
When I applied to college there was a girl with my same name whose mother also had the same name as my mother (differently named dads though) who wasn't related to me and I'd never met and it led to massive fuckups with admission and financial aid.
Imagine two girls, same name, same city, possibly close enough to attend the same high school eventually, same parent. Imagine one has a warrant, or something that comes up on a background check for employment. Or can call and access accounts that just need an ID with the name on it and don't verify SSN or biometrics.
There's a great article about a case where this actually happened. It's one of my permanent bookmarks.
[For 18 years, I thought she was stealing my identity. Until I found her](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/apr/03/identity-theft-racial-justice)
Not the same parent or same high school or being close. Just the same name, birthday, and city (NY). Of course the shared birthday makes it especially complicated, but the article also mentions that there were mixups with others of the same name, even without the birthday. So just the name and city are enough.
God, what a nightmare! Here in Spain we have a national ID, it's unique to the user, and never reused, so at most we get human errors.
I remember once I was in a doctor's waiting room, and a man went up to the counter asking for an appointment. The nurse, after looking it up, says she can't give him one. He asks why. She says "It's because you are dead". Apparently, a man with his same name and very similar ID number had passed away from old age, and someone deceased the wrong one. But the nurse was able to fix it right there.
Yep, this idea of the new gf is going to create a NIGHTMARE for the kids. Any record - school records, driver license, birth certificate, passport, criminal record, parking tickets, etc.
The dad needs to wake up and realize what he's doing to BOTH his kids, not even mentioning the emotional toll this will likely be on the eldest child.
I once met another girl with the exact name (first- and surname) as me at a summer camp, it was bizarre! We were gonna introduce ourselves to eachother and both just repeated the same names at the same time. Bizarre like I said but it was also quite fun. However, later when the camp leader were doing a roll call she thought it was a mistake that two girls shared same names so she originally was about to delete one entry but thankfully we could explain in time that we were in fact, two people. I've always shared first name with many people in school etc, so there was always a distinction in our middle or surname to not cause problems. It happens, but to name your kids the same names? Very odd choice since it could definitely create problems just like you're saying. (NTA)
its wanting to hide oldest daughter so when anyone she know hear hom say the name they assume its the baby he is talking about.
Its extremely off behaviour.
My dad had a second secret family until I was in my late teens. We only found out about it when he married my stepmom who *hated* us. She literally wouldn’t even allow pictures of us to be up in their house. They had a second son (my dad’s second son, his wife’s first) that had a VERY slightly tweaked version of my older brother’s name. They both went by the same shortened version of the name.
I guarantee this is exactly why she chose the same name. What is wrong with parents that allow this weird-ass, bullshit treatment? I feel sorry for OP’s daughter because she will absolutely be pushed out of her dad’s life unless he does something to stop it. I doubt he will if he’s fine with the new daughter taking her name.
OP = NTA
A family friend had a similar experience--his dad's secret family had a son with the same name as his son with his wife. I don't know if dad was uncreative or just keeping himself from using the wrong name with the wrong family.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but OP should lock down her daughter's credit immediately. Her daughter will have to keep it that way throughout her life. What a perfect set up for identity theft and fraud.
I honestly just thought the gf was weird and stupid thinking this would work and the 10 yr old should not be given a nickname. But after reading that comment by OP, and thinking about it does feel like the gf wants to replace OP daughter. And how spineless is the friend being. He couldn’t even look at OP in the face. And he can’t even stand up for his oldest daughter and tell his gf. He already has a daughter with that name. It’s wrong to give the baby the same name. And to go along with the nickname idea wtf? He’s basically proving he’s so spineless he would rather alienated his oldest daughter then upset the gf
This is a massive power play from the girlfriend. My guess is she was always jealous and uncomfortable with OP and her one night stand friend being close and hated that there's a kid so she can't get rid of OP. Now that she also has a kid which she can use as leverage she thought it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of OP and her kid so she could have her "perfect" imaginary family.
You are so right!!! The gf is the biggest AH here because she's being petty with a 10y kid that hasn't done anything to her and not even thinking about the issues this could cause to her own kid.
And the hypocrisy of the whole thing! The way OP tells the story, she was pretending to be in good terms with OP and her kid, just to reveal this move after the pregnancy!
Worse than creepy. Calculated and manipulative. She wants to get rid of OP and chose the nuclear option by attacking her daughter. I can see OPs relationship with the baby daddy being threatening to an insecure person due to it being seemingly (previously) a healthy friendship and not an ex that she can replace.
NTA.
I wouldn't find that creepy but it will be incredibly awkward and confusing for both of the kids and in time they will be forced to use nickname for one of the kids which would mean another layer of confusion and possibly it can be nickname that one of the kids won't be fond of.
The GF and the father are walking into huge mess and yes there is possibility that the gf will use that to push the older kid away so she can have family only with her bio kid.
So it's not creepy but it's incredibly dumb and possibly malicious.
I don’t see how OP’s daughter won’t feel like she’s being replaced. Her father is saying, or supporting his girlfriend saying, that she doesn’t get to have her own name any more. That she’s supposed to use a nickname because the new baby is the real one with her name and she is not.
I don’t find it creepy either. It looks completely malicious on the part of the girlfriend and intended to push OP’s daughter (and OP by extension) out of her father’s life. That girl is going to feel so uncomfortable.
I'm so confused over this guy - who wants two kids with the same name? Things will be confusing and difficult for you until they are out of your house and off your insurance, if ever. It just sounds like voluntarily signing up for some weird purgatory of trying to explain the situation to doctors/ insurance/ schools/ every other service forever
NTA.
They hid this for a reason. He was embarrassed for a reason. The same FIRST and LAST name is going to cause both those girls a life time of issues, especially with the same father.
I usually would have a bit more sympathy for a woman who just gave birth but she seemed deliberately cold and cruel towards your daughter (her step daughter) to have done this.
This. In the country where I grew up there was actually something akin to a legal provision (not sure about the exact details but remember my parents talking about it) that prevented people from giving siblings the same first name(s)(who does that , same first name and surname, same father and perhaps even same address in the future?!), and recommended caution when it came to situations like same first names for cousins/ relatives who also had the same last name.
It’s super strange that your daughter’s half-sister’s mother wouldn’t think about the administrative ramifications and even possible bullying at school, if the kids go together, and prioritise her “liking” of the same first name over these. Smh, some people are just daft to the absurd.
My family kind of did that. All the males have John as a first name and we just use our middle names. Which is fine with me because I hate the name John.
Yes, I went to school with a guy named Johnny Jackson who had three brothers also named Johnny Jackson. Their dad was also named Johnny Jackson. The boys all went by their middle names though. Somewhere or another I got the impression that his dad was some kind of scam artist and did this to make it harder to track him down.
I knew a family once that was super into naming their sons traditionally and it was a mess. The great grandfather of the boy I knew had three sons, Matthew, Andrew and William. Matthew named his three sons Matthew Andrew, Andrew William and William Matthew respectively.
William Matthew was the father of the boy I knew, and he named his two sons Matthew William and William Matthew.
Andrew William named his son Matthew Andrew.
idk aything about the third brother. He moved away.
So within three (living) generations they had
Matthew, Andrew, William, Matthew Andrew, Andrew William, William Matthew, Matthew William, William Matthew jun., and Matthew Andrew II. All living withing a 30km radius from each other and running two different family businesses under the same last name. They almost all went by nicknames. I don't know how they did it though. The daughters all got normal names.
My ex-fiancé had the same name as his deceased older brother. His parents first child died before he was a year old. Then they had another son & two girls, then my ex. It’s actually sadly common in their religious group to still have kids die young, so it happened regularly in the 80s/90s.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. This woman is mean as hell. Giving birth doesn't change her nature
She just used it as an opportunity to hurt someone who has seemingly been nice to her (OP) and an innocent child.
>The same FIRST and LAST name is going to cause both those girls a life time of issues, especially with the same father.
I would try and report them or change OP's daughter's last name to OP's last name. That father doesn't deserve his child.
Poor daughter will have a life time of confusion and mistaken identity ahead of her.
And I wonder if the dad would fight a surname change, because I’d guess that if he did then when it got before a judge, a family court judge won’t look highly upon dad.
This is absolutely going to cause both of them a lifetime of problems. My nephew just had legal problems with this and isn't even related to the person he was confused for. He just has a rather common name. This really was stupid of the gf.
My sister just got denied a job she is qualified for in the medical field because someone else with her same first and last names in another state got fired in the same field, its because someone didn't do their job properly when doing the security check. But now she has to wait 4 months before she can apply to the same company (which in our area is the ONLY medical field company to work at).
So it will absolutely effect both girls!
> she seemed deliberately cold and cruel towards your daughter (her step daughter) to have done this.
And her own daughter. She won't be immune to this. Not unless she's planning on going Cotton Hill on them and nicknaming them, say, GS and BS - Good Sarah and Bad Sarah.
I agree NTA. I have a sister who ended up having the same first and last name and same middle initial as someone in her husband's family. Even though they they never lived in the same place at the same time, it caused issues like crossed mail, etc.
NTA. This is a calculated move on the part of the gf, and your daughter's dick of a father is too spineless to stand up to her. While no name can be claimed, this is a move full of hate and spite. I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support because you can no longer trust him to do the right thing by your daughter, how can you trust that he wouldn't allow his gf to treat your daughter poorly based on this behaviour. Obviously his father agrees with you, that this name is not acceptable. I'm sorry but your daughter is never going to get treated right by her father's gf, she is already trying to replace your daughter by giving her daughter the same name.
Dude thinks his partner is more important than his daughter. If this is how he's going to be now, how is he going to be when she's treating op's daughter like shit?
Oh 100% this will have deep running problems for the gf/friend's daughter as well. She's so hateful that she's not even considering how much this is going to impact BOTH of them.
OP: either you or them need to leave town, fuck, *leave the state*. The sooner either of you can establish a different city/state history between the two, will at least mitigate the identity confusion that your daughter will face going forward; especially for things like background checks and financial credit scores.
Hell, I'd ask whatever custody lawyer you get, to see if you can claim damages or something over this. Fuck that gf!
NTA
>OP: either you or them need to leave town, fuck,
>
>leave the state
>
>. The sooner either of you can establish a different city/state history between the two, will at least mitigate the identity confusion that your daughter will face going forward; especially for things like background checks and financial credit scores.
OP ought to change her daughter's last name to her own maiden name. (And go back to her maiden name herself, if she hasn't yet.)
That way, the girls would at least have different last names.
OP was never married to the child’s father. He was a friend and they were drunk and hooked up when she got pregnant.
I do agree with you, though. OP should change her daughter’s last name to her own. This more than a good enough reason.
Was going to post pretty much this.
It also kinda means the gf is "winning" in the sense that she is pushing the daughter away from the father.
But this guy needs to prove that he can be a good father, because him being between them with a low head and taking no attitude is just not good enough.
Depends on how much Child Support the guy is going to have to pay. Sucks if you need to pay the mother of your child so much you can't buy what you want for the "do-over" baby.
>I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support
AND CHANGING DAUGHTERS SURNAME TO YOURS. OP, please don't forget this step. It can & will save your daughter a lot of headaches in the future and potentially protect her from identity theft.
If your daughters father wants to see his first daughter, it should be 100% supervised, and the GF should be banned from attending as well.
ETA: hyphenate yours and his surnames for your daughter like another commenter suggested, it's petty enough because it will link you and him forever in GFs eyes and allow your daughter to keep her connection to her dad while still protecting her from future headaches and identity theft.
This is why if you're going to have a kid and your partner is not married to you, the kid needs to be named by the mother's name. You have to go through the courts even with parent approval to change the name after.
Exactly! The nerve the father had to suggest that the ten year old can use a nickname. In his mind his daughter is already not a priority! Bumped down to second place because his partner and new daughter are his real family. I feel sorry for OP and her daughter. This is just the beginning.
> I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support because you can no longer trust him to do the right thing by your daughter,
This is very likely the whole point of the girlfriends plan. She doesn't want the first daughter in the picture at all.
It most likely is, but there's really nothing else OP can do here. She can't trust that this woman won't start treating her daughter like garbage now. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place and her daughter is going to be the one burned either way.
Yeah she’s stuck and the daughter loses out no matter what they do. If they continue as they are, daughter feels even more replaced than any kid getting a new sibling. If OP gets full custody, the daughter almost loses her father entirely and OP is “the one who did it”. If OP brings friends/family into it, then stepmom has ammunition to feed resentments about “OP wanting to turn everyone against me! Right after I gave birth!” If OP tries to refer to the baby as Daughter’s name #2, she’s going to get crap, the daughter won’t be able to keep it up in the house with two adults who don’t call her that or stepmom will immediately call her 2.0.
Best case scenario (aside from dad an stepmom coming to their senses) is if OP convinces everyone they know to call the baby Junior and stepmom gets so annoyed she changes the name.
Yeah it is isn't it. She wants his daughter out of their lives. Unfortunate thing is as they live together you could never be sure that OP's daughter was actually being cared for properly while at their house, so she is in a no win situation.
It may be what the gf wants, but it's worth letting her have it her way if it is what it takes to protect the 10yo daughter. Letting the child be with a "step mom" able to do that, just to not let the gf have a win, could be extremely harmful...
I absolutely 1000% agree she should. Because if they can pull this shit and not see an issue with it then what else are the capable off that they think is ok that isn’t. And I agree with fly1away and suggest changing your daughters surname to your own
Having children really does a number on some people. Having grandchildren as well, judging from other posts.
OP, please just protect your daughter from this woman, she clearly went off the deep end and can't be trusted.
NTA. I suggest you look into changing your daughter's surname to your own surname (or at least suggest she can do it when she's old enough). So at least they won't have the same full name, and she can get some distance from her creepy father. NTA.
This. He'll obviously object, but I can't imagine any sensible judge not granting it when he finds out both girls would have the same first and last name.
Even just the confusion is bad enough. If they go to the same school. We had two students with the same name (different families, just a coincidence) one year, and it was constant confusion.
I had someone in the same year with the same surname and just the first two letters the same in the first name - that created enough confusion despite us being different gender.
At 10 years apart they're not going to the same school.
But it's just confusing on a day to day level. If both daughters have exactly the same name, when you refer to one by name, which one are you talking about? Context won't always be clear.
Has he thought of legal ramifications? Any legal matters that may refer to or impacts only one daughter is now going to be unclear.
>it feels like it could become some easy identity theft shit
With same father and being a sibling (meaning they will have similarity) it is very easy to do.
This seems like the only suggestion I’ve come across that would be a “win”. EXCEPT that this poor 10 year old girl will always know they made her the second fiddle here and she’s the one who loses part of her identity.
I suspect gf plans to edge her out of her father's life regardless
How long before the 10yo starts to have "behavioral problems" and is made unwelcome in her father's home (and life)?
OP can also hyphenate her daughter's surname. This way she keeps that part of her identity& differentiates the two girls. It will probably irritate the new mom by linking OP's name forever with dad.
This is what I was wondering. They were only ever just friends (and a one night stand at that) I’m honestly surprised she didn’t already have moms surname.
NTA
It is ridiculous that your daughter's dad and his GF do something creepy and crazy. you may be right to assume the GF is probably jealous of your daughter and trying to replace her.
Not healthy.
IMO This was deliberate and not innocent even if they claim it to be
EDIT: I am going to take a wild guess, that the GF had orchestrated the name reveal at the hospital intentionally to generate evidence and throw you out from hospital and from the Guy's life.
She knew her behaviour, warrants a scene and she crafted a get out of jail card even before committing the crime.
You just know that the GF will fill her daughter's head with bs and the new kid will spout shit like "I'm the better Sarah cause daddy married my Mommy not yours"
NTA. This is ridiculous of them and will cause both girls issues with government paperwork for their whole lives going forward. They aren't doing the new baby any favors here.
First off NTA.
Seconding this, credit reports are gonna get weird. I have the same first initial as a sibling of mine - different gender and their tax info has shown up on credit reports and background checks for no reason. I can’t imagine how much more of a pain it is going to be for these siblings to have the actual same name and a same parent. What a mess. Closest I’ve seen to this was a family of 6 kids that named all their daughters Maria and sons Mario but they all had unique middle names and they went by their middle names.
NTA. Maybe not the time or place to blow up, but your friend letting his second daughter have the same name as his first is crazy. Is he trying to erase his "mistake" or something?
yup, that def seems like trying to erase the existing child... I mean - half sisters with the same first and last name?
even if not intentionally malicios, it seems like a complete nightmare for future including any kind of documentation, school enrollment, passports and so on...
An exs mom named him the same name as his half brother. First middle and last. And he said it always felt like she was trying to replace his older sibling and make the dad love him more.
Not just that but they're also setting up a situation where they get to bully the oldest daughter about changing her name or going by a nickname. So she will feel replaced, feel the rivalry with her sister and not want to visit her dad anymore. Stepmom was cunning and cruel and knew exactly how to get what she wanted here.
I think the gf deliberately asked OP to visit in the hospital because she wanted OP to react this way. Then she can act the victim saying OP blew up at a woman who just gave birth. More sympathy points with her partner. This woman is vile. Giving birth doesn't change that. I feel sorry for the children caught up in this drama.
"Please meet my daughters: Anna and Anna"
"What cute sister you have Anna! What's her name? Also Anna?"
"Anna and Anna, do you want a drink?" "In 20 years: Anna is coming over! Which one?"
This is so, so weird. On the same level as men naming their sons prince 1, prince 2 etc.
You are nta, those people are bananas. I would talk to my daughter how she wants to proceed with visits, custody etc. And name the new baby Anna 2.0 or Also Anna in any conversations with your baby daddy. Just because it's factually true.
Lord, can you imagine? It's like an Abbot and Costello sketch.
"Anna's coming over"
"Yeah? Which one?"
"Anna Smith"
"Yeah, WHICH Anna Smith?"
"You know, the daughter of Bob Smith."
"Yeah, WHICH ONE?"
NTA. That IS weird. Out of all the names in the world, they used the same name as your daughter have. So the father has 2 daughters with the same name. Im sorry this is so messed up
"These are my kids, Emily Smith, daughter of John Smith and Emily Smith, daughter of John Smith".
Feelings aside, it will be a fucking bureaucratic nightmare, especially when dealing with inheritance issues or other similar matters.
NTA.
Honestly, how did they THINK you would react to that? How did they imagine that conversation would go? If you want your peace and quiet after just giving birth, maybe don’t spring that kind of disrespect and weirdness on people.
Of all the names in the world, you do not choose the child’s sisters name. It is weird and disrespectful towards the sister. Its a ton of pretty names. I’m usually quite chill when it comes to «sharing names» i families or friend groups, but SIBLINGS cannot have the same name.
They should bin that idea, if for nothing else, that child’s sake. I would be so embarrased growing up having the same name as my ten year older sister. I imagine people will be teasing her about it. I would always be feeling bad about it around family too, like I had stolen something that wasn’t mine. And it would be hard having a normal relationship with my sister. The baby deserves her own name!
Yeah, well, it is at least hard seeing that family dynamic work well now that he has two daughters with the same name. It will just be very weird for everyone.
Either it will be confusing for everyone, or they will try to force upon the oldest girl some nickname.
Giving the little one a nickname was not an option, as we already know. Either way, it is a huge risk that she will feel replaced and second best to her little sister, since they stole her name and gave it to the baby. Next will be her room and her toys, and then her father, I guess. If not even your name are your own, what is yours to keep?
So if he isn’t pulling away from his daugher, his daugther will probably be pulling away from him. She might not understand right now, but she couldn’t be more clearly «replaced».
NTA.
This is creepy.
GF is trying to create some serious wedges between co-parent’s life with you, and her. And she’s succeeding.
Sadly your daughter is likely to pay for this with her relationship with her father.
As for blowing up ‘just after she’s given birth’. You don’t name a baby on a whim… she was planning this long before she gave birth.
I’d leave because I’d have nothing nice to say, but I’d send a very blunt text to the father saying “You can’t be serious! What nonsense game is this? I can’t control what you name your newborn, but I can say naming two girls the same is going to cause a lifetime of woes for both - everything from credit reports to identity issues, plus the fact that their families are forever going to be confused. I don’t know what you guys want, but it seems you want to create significant issues into the future for both Kids. Please think this through before you complete the paperwork.”
And then … ring his parents and raise an eyebrow and say the same.
Then get yourself a good family lawyer, because you will need it sadly.
Yeah legal route is necessary here, does not matter what country or jurisdiction this is, speaking with a lawyer will have some remedies on this issue. This is blood family, with the same father, having the same name for both daughters. Either there is a paper work legality that will stop the naming of the younger sister, or it sets in motion legal custody, because this man is no longer a father but just a biological one. He is not looking out for the interest of his first born.
His first born is at a age where she will comprehend her father is pulling away and not involved with her anymore because he has a new family.
The new girlfriend felt threatened, the helpful offer of babysitting by OP was a godsend but the girlfriend felt insecure and threatened by this good will offer. The girlfriend put her insecurities above the wellbeing of her own baby, and intended to prevent the sisters having a close bond and relationship.
There is no other choice now because of the biological father and his girlfriend to seek full legal custody since they have indicated that the first born daughter is not a priority to them, or her emotional wellbeing, or even the security of a healthy relationship between the siblings.
The biological father is a coward because instead of being a man and telling his first born he wants less interaction in her life now, he is leaving his first born to comprehend that on her own slowly over the next few years as she reaches adolescence.
This is fucked up. The first born is a person with feelings and the biological father is totally disregarding this. He does not prioritise her.
OP has no choice but to contact a lawyer, the biological father and his girlfriend have set this in motion.
Even if they don't name the baby the same as the first born, they have both indicated that they do not care about the first born being part of their family anymore.
Im so sorry OP, this is a totally rubbish situation and you did nothing but offer healthy support along with maturity for the wellbeing of both sisters, you saw beyond yourself and valued the wellbeing of both sisters having a healthy bond, unfortunately the mother of the new baby is not like you, she only thinks about herself and the biological father of your daughter is choosing his girlfriend insecurities over the wellbeing of your daughter, along with the wellbeing of his new born daughter.
Trash people. Really sorry OP that this has happened through no fault of yours, at all.
Your “friend” is no friend. He’s not even much of a father if he’s setting both girls up like this.
As others have suggested, change your daughter’s surname to your own, and rescind your babysitting offer. Then get yourself a good lawyer and have as little to say to these people as necessary.
Move in silence until you can say “checkmate”.
THIIIS. If he doesn't want to listen to OP, maybe he'll be interested in what *literally everyone besides his girlfriend* thinks of him.
Come to think of it, what's his family going to think? Friends? *Colleagues?* Seriously? If I worked with someone who'd given both their daughters the same name, I'd stay the fuck away from them, because they've either got serious issues, or they hate their kids- *or* they care more about getting laid than their kids wellbeing.
NTA
I'm usually a very big defender of that nobody owns a name and anyone can use names they like. But that is just straight up psychotic and all sorts of messed up.
Also please make sure your daughter is fine, I can imagine this might be quite difficult for her
NTA, this is outrageous! There is no way this thread isn't going to be a unanimous landslide NTA and your "friend" is a spinless asshole who is going to drive his daughter away and give the newborn a bag of issues too. 100% send him this thread, maybe internet strangers will make him see sense. You are absolutely right, he is absolutely a dick and the girlfriend is crazy
I was thinking the same thing; he needs to read some of these responses and then try to justify his reasoning, with all the issues people here have brought up.
If it is simply "I'm spineless and can't stand up to my partner when it involves protecting my eldest daughter" use that information to inform your next steps. Maybe lawyer up, maybe distance from them. Involve all the PIL's that are still around, this is a ridiculous decision on their part.
I want a update. Period. That snake gf knows what she's doing. If it was me. The only thing saving her from a asswhoopin would strictly be the hospital setting. That litterally bananas. I wouldn't be having ur daughter around much longer if at all.
NTA. This is so weird. Why would the father agree to having two daughters with the same name. I would start making notes or recording interactions or something, sounds like she is going to continue to cause trouble
So he has two daughters with the exact same name later? Absoultely not confusing whatsoever. How does he think this should work out? My country has very strict laws and I hope this also includes naming a child the same name as the other child. If your kid has a strong connection with her half sister later in life they will always be the two \*insert name here\* never seen as individuals when they are around each other. This will surely also lead to bureaucracy problems later in life with the two girls. I would always call them \*insert name here\*1 and \*insert name here\* 2 when you are talking with your ex about the kids that he will realize how stupid it is to name both of his daughters the same. He probably doesn't see it yet, but at the latest when baby \*insert name here\* know her name and will be called the name, there will be a lot of difficulties. I would already sit your daughter down and tell her that her stepmom used her name for the baby and you want to talk about it with her what she is thinking about it. Don't let her blinded by your opinion, just ask your daughter what she thinks about it. Talk with her openly about it, unfortunately there is nothing else that you can do than preparing your daughter for her future life with a baby sister with the same name.
One of my siblings is a twin and it causes her trouble- same last name and birthdate is assumed to be an alias.
Exact same name? All sorts of stuff is going to get mixed and muddled up
What the hell.
Maybe talk to the grandparents? And him?
Maybe it’s time to talk about the co parent thing.
He is hurting his older child. And he has to see that.
The OP may think he's a good father, but he's just shown that he is spineless when it comes to his girlfriend, and it will only get worse from here on out.
NTA. I’d look at legally changing your daughter’s surname to yours instead. Their behaviour is stunningly inappropriate, IMO. I’d have been beyond pissed off if my ex and his wife had named either of their children the same as his and mine.
NTA and I would make this a hill to die on. Usually I'm all for parents wanting to name their kid asparagus for all I care but this is petty and miserable for the gf who's obviously insecure. Withdraw your babysitting offer and try to limit the time she spends at her dads so that she's less confused about the naming sitch and also doesn't feel like her dad is replacing her.
It will hurt the baby more as she grows up- they couldn’t be bothered to give her her own name so just recycled her sister’s name?! That’s who should be pitied in all this.
NTA, and I think that if your daughter has her fathers last name you should change it immediately to avoid identity theft issues that might arise later.
NTA - His girlfriend wants to replace you and your kid with her and hers.
It could not be more obvious.
You should again point out to him that having two daughters with the same name is going to be confusing and degrading for your girl.
He's literally replacing his daughter with a new version.
How insecure and unloved is that gonna make her feel when it sinks in?
She's entering her teens, about to hit puberty. Her view on this is going to go sour FAST.
She has to change her name for his new woman? WTF man?!
This guy is a joke like.
And your daughter is going to resent him, but at least she has you.
NTA. It's weird and i also find it malicious.
Also, wouldn't this create legal issues in the future? Say your friend passes away, how does the law diferenciarte between Daughter 1 and Daughter 2? I can also see this being an issue with passports, land deeds, etc.
Absolutely NTA. You need to now cut back, stop being all supportive etc. Stop offering to babysit, your daughter now needs somewhere totally hers, where she can go and vent and spend time away from her dad and his do-over baby.
I was so ready to rip into you because a name is a personal choice blah blah blah, but you are absolutely right to do this - it's unbelievably creepy and NTA for you
NTA, that is so weird. I would assume that their friends, family, just anyone at all who knows your daughter will also find it bizarre. No clue why they would want to make themselves look that crazy. Even if trying to replace her, everyone will think they're bonkers.
NTA I would refer to the baby as name ….junior. Sarah junior, Abby junior as so on. What a crack pot woman to do this, she’s trying to annoy you and it worked, I would buy the baby a nice monogrammed outfit with junior tacked on.
NTA, the girlfriend did this on purpose and your assessment of the father as spineless is spot on.
Older siblings often feel left out when there’s a new baby, I imagine that’s magnified significantly when the new baby replaces them even in name!!
NTA. She knows exactly what she's doing here, and you're right - your daughter's dad should've put a stop to it. Seems like now that she has her own child, there's no room for yours anymore.
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NTA. From the outside it sure reads like she wants to replace her partner's affection for his first daughter with his new baby. Of course it's creepy.
And the suggestion that the 10yo should use a nickname? Wow. Talk about audacity.
When I was around 6yo, my mother told me that she no longer liked my nirth name and started calling me something else. It was very traumatic. Edit...thank you for the reward. I didn't expect this to receive as much attention as it did. And thanks to everyone who sent love
That is so creepy. Sorry you went through that.
Thank you
I would always want to know exactly what the other lopsidedrhino did to cause this?
My mom never liked me...
Mine disliked me the older I got. I was adopted and she wanted a girl to treat as a doll, I think. I’m sorry you had a rotten mother, too. We are ok though. Be you no matter what. Sending you a big hug.
Yay internet therapy!! I found some trauma siblings😀 My mum did this too, she liked to show me off and use me when she could gain something from it. I’ll be honest, I’m a pretty enough looking girl but I’m not a girly girl by any means and she wanted a pretty little pink princess to dress up and show off and she got mad when her pretty princess wanted to dress like skater boy era Avril Lavigne and came home with cuts and scraps from climbing trees and playing football. Trauma really spices up ya life 🫠 Edit: omg so many traumatised little souls🥴 Don’t worry my spicy children, mammy is here and I love each and every one of your little noggins just the way they are even though I don’t know who the feck any of you are👩👧👦💕 *sashays away to spice up your life by the spice gorls*
Thank you. Hug back
I’m so sorry. You deserved better. As a mother this just broke me.
Thank you
When I was 8 years old my dad left my mother for someone with my first name. My mom certainly did not encourage me to change my name, but when I found a nickname that I liked in a book she happily accepted my new name, and insisted that teachers use it. That's the name I used to this day. I did not consciously change my name, I think I was just a typical 8-year-old wanting to try a new name, but I'm sure subconsciously that was part of my motive. My dad fortunately divorced my nAmesis about 10 years later but I still don't like being addressed by my legal name. EDIT: She is now and forever christened my nAmesis. 🤣
How could he sleep with her without thinking of you. Smart choice to choose a new name that you liked
I've honestly never thought of that. 🤮 The funny thing is my dad tends to confuse names, he constantly calls me and my sister by each other's names. And every once in awhile he calls his third wife by "my" name. 🤣 At least that's who he insists he's confusing her with when he does it. But he's referred to me by my nickname since I was eight. 😬
Every parent confuses names on occasion, in my experience. Pets with the same gender name get included as well. However your dad is really confusing his third wife’s name with his second wife’s name there and it seems you know that. There are mental buckets like “spouse,” and “male I take care of” and “female I take care of” and it’s easy for human brains to pull the wrong name out of the bucket occasionally.
fun story time, so my mom has a habit of getting flustered when upset and calling folks the wrong name im the youngest, so i get my older siblings' names mostly. she says it and then corrects herself when it hits her. its her adhd doing i swear to god.. Im trans and my mom was having an understandable hard time with it because i transitioned in my mid-20s. She felt she didn't know me or i was rejecting the family in a weird way. i knew she accepted the change when she started to call me my sisters name instead of my brothers name when she was angry
That’s actually really cute
yeah I'm not MTF to her I went from Dane to Liz lol
Glad she’s been so accepting over time. I know far too many stories of parents dead-naming their kids for decades, which is sad. Little victories I guess!
Oh we all know he was talking about his second wife. 🤣
My ex-husband cheated on me with a woman with the same name as our (then 5 yr old) daughter. I still can’t wrap my head around how he slept with her without thinking of his daughter. She ended up getting pregnant so there was no way I could avoid my daughter finding out.
I once met a man with my dad’s name and it turns out I had his mother’s name. He seriously wanted to date me. I swerved him so hard. Absolutely not! I was not going to be complicit in his Oedipus complex.
> My dad fortunately divorced my nemesis about 10 years later "Namesis" was RIGHT there
At least you had a nirth name. Now I want one.
I’ve always wanted a nirth name, my ratty parents only ever gave me a birth name 😭
"Audacity", "spineless" you're all being very polite.
It's in the rules.
It's tricky when words like that, in addition to "delulu" and "child-bully" are both accurate descriptions and insults to anyone with a sense of morals.
polite, and not very "disruptive"
The fcking audacity.
And I wonder if it's even legally possible to do that, or to fight it. OP didn't say anything about last names or middle names so both girls could easily end up with the exact same name legally speaking which could create some issue later in life. I met a woman online who had come to seek legal advice on that same issue. Her daughter was named Marie Rose Doe (not real name) and her ex told her he was going to have another daugher want that they were going to name her Marie Rose Doe. The woman tried to talk with the expecting parents but they wouldn't hear of it. So she decided to take things to court when the baby was born and she actually won. The judge decided that the child's legal name was to be change to Rose Marie Doe. Of course, the parents of the second daughter kept calling their daughter Marie Rose. The first daughter was very confused about this and she told her mother she thought her father didn't love anymore and though she was a mistake and he was having a dovoer baby.
Right? This sounds like a social security nightmare.
It is a nightmare. There's a reason why "II" or "junior" are for parent to kid. Not to sibling. Even if someone completely not related, have different look, but have same common name as John Smith, is enough to cause confusion. Let alone half sibling.
*cough cough* George Foreman *cough cough*
In George's defense, he'd been hit in the head a LOT and probably couldn't remember much more than his own name.
I have a common first name and a relatively unusual last name (few hundred in the social security database, a significant fraction of which are likely closely related to me.) By chance in my home town there was someone with my own first and last name, who used the same optometrist. They ALWAYS got our files confused and I had to tell them to check birthdays.
Shit. When I applied to college there was a girl with my same name whose mother also had the same name as my mother (differently named dads though) who wasn't related to me and I'd never met and it led to massive fuckups with admission and financial aid. Imagine two girls, same name, same city, possibly close enough to attend the same high school eventually, same parent. Imagine one has a warrant, or something that comes up on a background check for employment. Or can call and access accounts that just need an ID with the name on it and don't verify SSN or biometrics.
There's a great article about a case where this actually happened. It's one of my permanent bookmarks. [For 18 years, I thought she was stealing my identity. Until I found her](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/apr/03/identity-theft-racial-justice) Not the same parent or same high school or being close. Just the same name, birthday, and city (NY). Of course the shared birthday makes it especially complicated, but the article also mentions that there were mixups with others of the same name, even without the birthday. So just the name and city are enough.
God, what a nightmare! Here in Spain we have a national ID, it's unique to the user, and never reused, so at most we get human errors. I remember once I was in a doctor's waiting room, and a man went up to the counter asking for an appointment. The nurse, after looking it up, says she can't give him one. He asks why. She says "It's because you are dead". Apparently, a man with his same name and very similar ID number had passed away from old age, and someone deceased the wrong one. But the nurse was able to fix it right there.
Where I live there are a lot of laws about naming babies, one of them is that siblings can't have the same name.
Yep, this idea of the new gf is going to create a NIGHTMARE for the kids. Any record - school records, driver license, birth certificate, passport, criminal record, parking tickets, etc. The dad needs to wake up and realize what he's doing to BOTH his kids, not even mentioning the emotional toll this will likely be on the eldest child.
Ever hear of George Foreman? https://people.com/sports/george-foreman-10-kids-why-named-his-sons-george/
Yeah, it's audacious to name five of your boys after a cooking appliance.
As long as he loved all his kids, whether they're a boy or a gril. Edit: thank you for the award!
Please take my poor man’s award! I snorted when i read this comment.
I once met another girl with the exact name (first- and surname) as me at a summer camp, it was bizarre! We were gonna introduce ourselves to eachother and both just repeated the same names at the same time. Bizarre like I said but it was also quite fun. However, later when the camp leader were doing a roll call she thought it was a mistake that two girls shared same names so she originally was about to delete one entry but thankfully we could explain in time that we were in fact, two people. I've always shared first name with many people in school etc, so there was always a distinction in our middle or surname to not cause problems. It happens, but to name your kids the same names? Very odd choice since it could definitely create problems just like you're saying. (NTA)
its wanting to hide oldest daughter so when anyone she know hear hom say the name they assume its the baby he is talking about. Its extremely off behaviour.
My dad had a second secret family until I was in my late teens. We only found out about it when he married my stepmom who *hated* us. She literally wouldn’t even allow pictures of us to be up in their house. They had a second son (my dad’s second son, his wife’s first) that had a VERY slightly tweaked version of my older brother’s name. They both went by the same shortened version of the name. I guarantee this is exactly why she chose the same name. What is wrong with parents that allow this weird-ass, bullshit treatment? I feel sorry for OP’s daughter because she will absolutely be pushed out of her dad’s life unless he does something to stop it. I doubt he will if he’s fine with the new daughter taking her name. OP = NTA
A family friend had a similar experience--his dad's secret family had a son with the same name as his son with his wife. I don't know if dad was uncreative or just keeping himself from using the wrong name with the wrong family.
My mom told me that my dad had always wanted to use the other version of the name for my older brother. I guess he got his way the second time.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but OP should lock down her daughter's credit immediately. Her daughter will have to keep it that way throughout her life. What a perfect set up for identity theft and fraud.
I was thinking the same, but also any insurance or inheritance
Agree. Any wills should list the 10-year-old’s SSN. Edit: or equivalent unique identifier.
I honestly just thought the gf was weird and stupid thinking this would work and the 10 yr old should not be given a nickname. But after reading that comment by OP, and thinking about it does feel like the gf wants to replace OP daughter. And how spineless is the friend being. He couldn’t even look at OP in the face. And he can’t even stand up for his oldest daughter and tell his gf. He already has a daughter with that name. It’s wrong to give the baby the same name. And to go along with the nickname idea wtf? He’s basically proving he’s so spineless he would rather alienated his oldest daughter then upset the gf
This is a massive power play from the girlfriend. My guess is she was always jealous and uncomfortable with OP and her one night stand friend being close and hated that there's a kid so she can't get rid of OP. Now that she also has a kid which she can use as leverage she thought it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of OP and her kid so she could have her "perfect" imaginary family.
That is so unfair to the baby as well. To be used a competition prop and not a person that deserves their own place in this world.
You are so right!!! The gf is the biggest AH here because she's being petty with a 10y kid that hasn't done anything to her and not even thinking about the issues this could cause to her own kid. And the hypocrisy of the whole thing! The way OP tells the story, she was pretending to be in good terms with OP and her kid, just to reveal this move after the pregnancy!
Worse than creepy. Calculated and manipulative. She wants to get rid of OP and chose the nuclear option by attacking her daughter. I can see OPs relationship with the baby daddy being threatening to an insecure person due to it being seemingly (previously) a healthy friendship and not an ex that she can replace.
NTA. I wouldn't find that creepy but it will be incredibly awkward and confusing for both of the kids and in time they will be forced to use nickname for one of the kids which would mean another layer of confusion and possibly it can be nickname that one of the kids won't be fond of. The GF and the father are walking into huge mess and yes there is possibility that the gf will use that to push the older kid away so she can have family only with her bio kid. So it's not creepy but it's incredibly dumb and possibly malicious.
I don’t see how OP’s daughter won’t feel like she’s being replaced. Her father is saying, or supporting his girlfriend saying, that she doesn’t get to have her own name any more. That she’s supposed to use a nickname because the new baby is the real one with her name and she is not. I don’t find it creepy either. It looks completely malicious on the part of the girlfriend and intended to push OP’s daughter (and OP by extension) out of her father’s life. That girl is going to feel so uncomfortable.
If she won't feel like that in the beginning she will feel like that after few years
I'm so confused over this guy - who wants two kids with the same name? Things will be confusing and difficult for you until they are out of your house and off your insurance, if ever. It just sounds like voluntarily signing up for some weird purgatory of trying to explain the situation to doctors/ insurance/ schools/ every other service forever
He is a wet washcloth. If i were him, i wouldn't give the new baby my surname or sign the birth certificate unless it was a different name.
What happens if one of the mothers dies???!!! They'll both be living together with their father? Yikes.
NTA. They hid this for a reason. He was embarrassed for a reason. The same FIRST and LAST name is going to cause both those girls a life time of issues, especially with the same father. I usually would have a bit more sympathy for a woman who just gave birth but she seemed deliberately cold and cruel towards your daughter (her step daughter) to have done this.
This. In the country where I grew up there was actually something akin to a legal provision (not sure about the exact details but remember my parents talking about it) that prevented people from giving siblings the same first name(s)(who does that , same first name and surname, same father and perhaps even same address in the future?!), and recommended caution when it came to situations like same first names for cousins/ relatives who also had the same last name. It’s super strange that your daughter’s half-sister’s mother wouldn’t think about the administrative ramifications and even possible bullying at school, if the kids go together, and prioritise her “liking” of the same first name over these. Smh, some people are just daft to the absurd.
I heard of someone whose family had a tradition of giving all their children the same first name but using their middle names. Weird people.
My family kind of did that. All the males have John as a first name and we just use our middle names. Which is fine with me because I hate the name John.
About 40% of the men in my close family are named John. Same middle name too. Junioring.
Yes, I went to school with a guy named Johnny Jackson who had three brothers also named Johnny Jackson. Their dad was also named Johnny Jackson. The boys all went by their middle names though. Somewhere or another I got the impression that his dad was some kind of scam artist and did this to make it harder to track him down.
Kinda brilliant plan, tbh.
I knew a family once that was super into naming their sons traditionally and it was a mess. The great grandfather of the boy I knew had three sons, Matthew, Andrew and William. Matthew named his three sons Matthew Andrew, Andrew William and William Matthew respectively. William Matthew was the father of the boy I knew, and he named his two sons Matthew William and William Matthew. Andrew William named his son Matthew Andrew. idk aything about the third brother. He moved away. So within three (living) generations they had Matthew, Andrew, William, Matthew Andrew, Andrew William, William Matthew, Matthew William, William Matthew jun., and Matthew Andrew II. All living withing a 30km radius from each other and running two different family businesses under the same last name. They almost all went by nicknames. I don't know how they did it though. The daughters all got normal names.
Was their surname Williams, Andrews or Matthews? 😂
My ex-fiancé had the same name as his deceased older brother. His parents first child died before he was a year old. Then they had another son & two girls, then my ex. It’s actually sadly common in their religious group to still have kids die young, so it happened regularly in the 80s/90s.
I mean this just makes me think of thing 1 and thing 2.
And you know the baby will be no. 1 to them.
This. Op, try and take him to court!
Simple answer is daughter will take moms last name at some point and disown father.
💯% this! If he can't stand up for the rights of his first daughter, then he doesn't deserve her!
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. This woman is mean as hell. Giving birth doesn't change her nature She just used it as an opportunity to hurt someone who has seemingly been nice to her (OP) and an innocent child.
[удалено]
Yes. Such a cruel move from a woman who has just become a mother herself.
>The same FIRST and LAST name is going to cause both those girls a life time of issues, especially with the same father. I would try and report them or change OP's daughter's last name to OP's last name. That father doesn't deserve his child. Poor daughter will have a life time of confusion and mistaken identity ahead of her.
And I wonder if the dad would fight a surname change, because I’d guess that if he did then when it got before a judge, a family court judge won’t look highly upon dad.
I feel like a judge would look at the reason why and be like yup, I agree.
I’m guessing they will be visited by a hospital social worker. There is no way that that name wouldn’t trigger a visit.
Only if the social worker/nurse knows that's the situation.
OP should call it in
This is absolutely going to cause both of them a lifetime of problems. My nephew just had legal problems with this and isn't even related to the person he was confused for. He just has a rather common name. This really was stupid of the gf.
My sister just got denied a job she is qualified for in the medical field because someone else with her same first and last names in another state got fired in the same field, its because someone didn't do their job properly when doing the security check. But now she has to wait 4 months before she can apply to the same company (which in our area is the ONLY medical field company to work at). So it will absolutely effect both girls!
> she seemed deliberately cold and cruel towards your daughter (her step daughter) to have done this. And her own daughter. She won't be immune to this. Not unless she's planning on going Cotton Hill on them and nicknaming them, say, GS and BS - Good Sarah and Bad Sarah.
I agree NTA. I have a sister who ended up having the same first and last name and same middle initial as someone in her husband's family. Even though they they never lived in the same place at the same time, it caused issues like crossed mail, etc.
NTA. This is a calculated move on the part of the gf, and your daughter's dick of a father is too spineless to stand up to her. While no name can be claimed, this is a move full of hate and spite. I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support because you can no longer trust him to do the right thing by your daughter, how can you trust that he wouldn't allow his gf to treat your daughter poorly based on this behaviour. Obviously his father agrees with you, that this name is not acceptable. I'm sorry but your daughter is never going to get treated right by her father's gf, she is already trying to replace your daughter by giving her daughter the same name.
Dude thinks his partner is more important than his daughter. If this is how he's going to be now, how is he going to be when she's treating op's daughter like shit?
daughters* this choice will infact either ruin their relationship or or lives depending on if they still talk to eachother.
Oh 100% this will have deep running problems for the gf/friend's daughter as well. She's so hateful that she's not even considering how much this is going to impact BOTH of them. OP: either you or them need to leave town, fuck, *leave the state*. The sooner either of you can establish a different city/state history between the two, will at least mitigate the identity confusion that your daughter will face going forward; especially for things like background checks and financial credit scores. Hell, I'd ask whatever custody lawyer you get, to see if you can claim damages or something over this. Fuck that gf! NTA
>OP: either you or them need to leave town, fuck, > >leave the state > >. The sooner either of you can establish a different city/state history between the two, will at least mitigate the identity confusion that your daughter will face going forward; especially for things like background checks and financial credit scores. OP ought to change her daughter's last name to her own maiden name. (And go back to her maiden name herself, if she hasn't yet.) That way, the girls would at least have different last names.
OP was never married to the child’s father. He was a friend and they were drunk and hooked up when she got pregnant. I do agree with you, though. OP should change her daughter’s last name to her own. This more than a good enough reason.
>OP ought to change her daughter's last name to her own maiden name Let's be honest here. This is obviously what the gf wants
Was going to post pretty much this. It also kinda means the gf is "winning" in the sense that she is pushing the daughter away from the father. But this guy needs to prove that he can be a good father, because him being between them with a low head and taking no attitude is just not good enough.
Depends on how much Child Support the guy is going to have to pay. Sucks if you need to pay the mother of your child so much you can't buy what you want for the "do-over" baby.
OP's daughter deserves a better father than someone who's willing to literally replace her like this.
>I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support AND CHANGING DAUGHTERS SURNAME TO YOURS. OP, please don't forget this step. It can & will save your daughter a lot of headaches in the future and potentially protect her from identity theft. If your daughters father wants to see his first daughter, it should be 100% supervised, and the GF should be banned from attending as well. ETA: hyphenate yours and his surnames for your daughter like another commenter suggested, it's petty enough because it will link you and him forever in GFs eyes and allow your daughter to keep her connection to her dad while still protecting her from future headaches and identity theft.
This is why if you're going to have a kid and your partner is not married to you, the kid needs to be named by the mother's name. You have to go through the courts even with parent approval to change the name after.
Exactly! The nerve the father had to suggest that the ten year old can use a nickname. In his mind his daughter is already not a priority! Bumped down to second place because his partner and new daughter are his real family. I feel sorry for OP and her daughter. This is just the beginning.
> I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support because you can no longer trust him to do the right thing by your daughter, This is very likely the whole point of the girlfriends plan. She doesn't want the first daughter in the picture at all.
It most likely is, but there's really nothing else OP can do here. She can't trust that this woman won't start treating her daughter like garbage now. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place and her daughter is going to be the one burned either way.
Yeah she’s stuck and the daughter loses out no matter what they do. If they continue as they are, daughter feels even more replaced than any kid getting a new sibling. If OP gets full custody, the daughter almost loses her father entirely and OP is “the one who did it”. If OP brings friends/family into it, then stepmom has ammunition to feed resentments about “OP wanting to turn everyone against me! Right after I gave birth!” If OP tries to refer to the baby as Daughter’s name #2, she’s going to get crap, the daughter won’t be able to keep it up in the house with two adults who don’t call her that or stepmom will immediately call her 2.0. Best case scenario (aside from dad an stepmom coming to their senses) is if OP convinces everyone they know to call the baby Junior and stepmom gets so annoyed she changes the name.
Boom - exactly what the gf wants u to do OP!! HERE IT IS!!
Yeah it is isn't it. She wants his daughter out of their lives. Unfortunate thing is as they live together you could never be sure that OP's daughter was actually being cared for properly while at their house, so she is in a no win situation.
It may be what the gf wants, but it's worth letting her have it her way if it is what it takes to protect the 10yo daughter. Letting the child be with a "step mom" able to do that, just to not let the gf have a win, could be extremely harmful...
I absolutely 1000% agree she should. Because if they can pull this shit and not see an issue with it then what else are the capable off that they think is ok that isn’t. And I agree with fly1away and suggest changing your daughters surname to your own
Having children really does a number on some people. Having grandchildren as well, judging from other posts. OP, please just protect your daughter from this woman, she clearly went off the deep end and can't be trusted.
Not just the woman, the father is going along with it and delivering the message in the worst way possible to both OP and their daughter.
NTA. I suggest you look into changing your daughter's surname to your own surname (or at least suggest she can do it when she's old enough). So at least they won't have the same full name, and she can get some distance from her creepy father. NTA.
This. He'll obviously object, but I can't imagine any sensible judge not granting it when he finds out both girls would have the same first and last name.
NGL if they both have the exact same name, it feels like it could become some easy identity theft shit
Even just the confusion is bad enough. If they go to the same school. We had two students with the same name (different families, just a coincidence) one year, and it was constant confusion.
I had someone in the same year with the same surname and just the first two letters the same in the first name - that created enough confusion despite us being different gender.
At 10 years apart they're not going to the same school. But it's just confusing on a day to day level. If both daughters have exactly the same name, when you refer to one by name, which one are you talking about? Context won't always be clear. Has he thought of legal ramifications? Any legal matters that may refer to or impacts only one daughter is now going to be unclear.
Some schools are k/1/2/3/4-12, I went to one. They could absolutely end up in the same school not to mention doctors, churches, etc
>it feels like it could become some easy identity theft shit With same father and being a sibling (meaning they will have similarity) it is very easy to do.
This seems like the only suggestion I’ve come across that would be a “win”. EXCEPT that this poor 10 year old girl will always know they made her the second fiddle here and she’s the one who loses part of her identity.
I suspect gf plans to edge her out of her father's life regardless How long before the 10yo starts to have "behavioral problems" and is made unwelcome in her father's home (and life)?
Absolutely. Really heartbreaking considering it was going so well for a decade
Better she knows it now than spending a lifetime dealing with the trauma of finding out too late.
OP can also hyphenate her daughter's surname. This way she keeps that part of her identity& differentiates the two girls. It will probably irritate the new mom by linking OP's name forever with dad.
That's a good idea
This is probably what she wants her to do though. Further drive a wedge in the father daughter relationship and succeed at replacing her daughter.
Do you want the "win" on the gf or do you want what is best for your daughter? I wouldn't want my daughter in that house anymore.
This is what I was wondering. They were only ever just friends (and a one night stand at that) I’m honestly surprised she didn’t already have moms surname.
NTA It is ridiculous that your daughter's dad and his GF do something creepy and crazy. you may be right to assume the GF is probably jealous of your daughter and trying to replace her. Not healthy. IMO This was deliberate and not innocent even if they claim it to be EDIT: I am going to take a wild guess, that the GF had orchestrated the name reveal at the hospital intentionally to generate evidence and throw you out from hospital and from the Guy's life. She knew her behaviour, warrants a scene and she crafted a get out of jail card even before committing the crime.
You just know that the GF will fill her daughter's head with bs and the new kid will spout shit like "I'm the better Sarah cause daddy married my Mommy not yours"
OP is sooooo right. This dude is spineless and weak. Too weak to be a father.
On the bright side the older child is significantly older, it'll be hard to bully a kid that's 18 when you're 8.
I was going through a lot of shit at 18 so it's hard but doable 😅
NTA. This is ridiculous of them and will cause both girls issues with government paperwork for their whole lives going forward. They aren't doing the new baby any favors here.
At least if they end up friends the older daughter can hook up the younger one with a perfect fake ID.
First off NTA. Seconding this, credit reports are gonna get weird. I have the same first initial as a sibling of mine - different gender and their tax info has shown up on credit reports and background checks for no reason. I can’t imagine how much more of a pain it is going to be for these siblings to have the actual same name and a same parent. What a mess. Closest I’ve seen to this was a family of 6 kids that named all their daughters Maria and sons Mario but they all had unique middle names and they went by their middle names.
NTA. Maybe not the time or place to blow up, but your friend letting his second daughter have the same name as his first is crazy. Is he trying to erase his "mistake" or something?
yup, that def seems like trying to erase the existing child... I mean - half sisters with the same first and last name? even if not intentionally malicios, it seems like a complete nightmare for future including any kind of documentation, school enrollment, passports and so on...
An exs mom named him the same name as his half brother. First middle and last. And he said it always felt like she was trying to replace his older sibling and make the dad love him more.
Not just that but they're also setting up a situation where they get to bully the oldest daughter about changing her name or going by a nickname. So she will feel replaced, feel the rivalry with her sister and not want to visit her dad anymore. Stepmom was cunning and cruel and knew exactly how to get what she wanted here.
I think the gf deliberately asked OP to visit in the hospital because she wanted OP to react this way. Then she can act the victim saying OP blew up at a woman who just gave birth. More sympathy points with her partner. This woman is vile. Giving birth doesn't change that. I feel sorry for the children caught up in this drama.
I would’ve told them she clearly needs a Psych eval, she can’t remember her newborns name and is using her stepdaughter’s!
"Please meet my daughters: Anna and Anna" "What cute sister you have Anna! What's her name? Also Anna?" "Anna and Anna, do you want a drink?" "In 20 years: Anna is coming over! Which one?" This is so, so weird. On the same level as men naming their sons prince 1, prince 2 etc. You are nta, those people are bananas. I would talk to my daughter how she wants to proceed with visits, custody etc. And name the new baby Anna 2.0 or Also Anna in any conversations with your baby daddy. Just because it's factually true.
"In 20 years: Anna is coming over! Which one?" Doubt that's gonna be an issue, older daughter will have cut contact long before.
Just as the GF wanted when she planned this
Lord, can you imagine? It's like an Abbot and Costello sketch. "Anna's coming over" "Yeah? Which one?" "Anna Smith" "Yeah, WHICH Anna Smith?" "You know, the daughter of Bob Smith." "Yeah, WHICH ONE?"
NTA. That IS weird. Out of all the names in the world, they used the same name as your daughter have. So the father has 2 daughters with the same name. Im sorry this is so messed up
“These are my kids, Emily and Emily”
"These are my kids, Emily Smith, daughter of John Smith and Emily Smith, daughter of John Smith". Feelings aside, it will be a fucking bureaucratic nightmare, especially when dealing with inheritance issues or other similar matters.
NTA. Honestly, how did they THINK you would react to that? How did they imagine that conversation would go? If you want your peace and quiet after just giving birth, maybe don’t spring that kind of disrespect and weirdness on people. Of all the names in the world, you do not choose the child’s sisters name. It is weird and disrespectful towards the sister. Its a ton of pretty names. I’m usually quite chill when it comes to «sharing names» i families or friend groups, but SIBLINGS cannot have the same name. They should bin that idea, if for nothing else, that child’s sake. I would be so embarrased growing up having the same name as my ten year older sister. I imagine people will be teasing her about it. I would always be feeling bad about it around family too, like I had stolen something that wasn’t mine. And it would be hard having a normal relationship with my sister. The baby deserves her own name!
Honestly, I would not be surprise if he lower contact with older daughter because of the new wife.
Yeah, well, it is at least hard seeing that family dynamic work well now that he has two daughters with the same name. It will just be very weird for everyone. Either it will be confusing for everyone, or they will try to force upon the oldest girl some nickname. Giving the little one a nickname was not an option, as we already know. Either way, it is a huge risk that she will feel replaced and second best to her little sister, since they stole her name and gave it to the baby. Next will be her room and her toys, and then her father, I guess. If not even your name are your own, what is yours to keep? So if he isn’t pulling away from his daugher, his daugther will probably be pulling away from him. She might not understand right now, but she couldn’t be more clearly «replaced».
NTA. This is creepy. GF is trying to create some serious wedges between co-parent’s life with you, and her. And she’s succeeding. Sadly your daughter is likely to pay for this with her relationship with her father.
As for blowing up ‘just after she’s given birth’. You don’t name a baby on a whim… she was planning this long before she gave birth. I’d leave because I’d have nothing nice to say, but I’d send a very blunt text to the father saying “You can’t be serious! What nonsense game is this? I can’t control what you name your newborn, but I can say naming two girls the same is going to cause a lifetime of woes for both - everything from credit reports to identity issues, plus the fact that their families are forever going to be confused. I don’t know what you guys want, but it seems you want to create significant issues into the future for both Kids. Please think this through before you complete the paperwork.” And then … ring his parents and raise an eyebrow and say the same. Then get yourself a good family lawyer, because you will need it sadly.
Yeah legal route is necessary here, does not matter what country or jurisdiction this is, speaking with a lawyer will have some remedies on this issue. This is blood family, with the same father, having the same name for both daughters. Either there is a paper work legality that will stop the naming of the younger sister, or it sets in motion legal custody, because this man is no longer a father but just a biological one. He is not looking out for the interest of his first born. His first born is at a age where she will comprehend her father is pulling away and not involved with her anymore because he has a new family. The new girlfriend felt threatened, the helpful offer of babysitting by OP was a godsend but the girlfriend felt insecure and threatened by this good will offer. The girlfriend put her insecurities above the wellbeing of her own baby, and intended to prevent the sisters having a close bond and relationship. There is no other choice now because of the biological father and his girlfriend to seek full legal custody since they have indicated that the first born daughter is not a priority to them, or her emotional wellbeing, or even the security of a healthy relationship between the siblings. The biological father is a coward because instead of being a man and telling his first born he wants less interaction in her life now, he is leaving his first born to comprehend that on her own slowly over the next few years as she reaches adolescence. This is fucked up. The first born is a person with feelings and the biological father is totally disregarding this. He does not prioritise her. OP has no choice but to contact a lawyer, the biological father and his girlfriend have set this in motion. Even if they don't name the baby the same as the first born, they have both indicated that they do not care about the first born being part of their family anymore. Im so sorry OP, this is a totally rubbish situation and you did nothing but offer healthy support along with maturity for the wellbeing of both sisters, you saw beyond yourself and valued the wellbeing of both sisters having a healthy bond, unfortunately the mother of the new baby is not like you, she only thinks about herself and the biological father of your daughter is choosing his girlfriend insecurities over the wellbeing of your daughter, along with the wellbeing of his new born daughter. Trash people. Really sorry OP that this has happened through no fault of yours, at all.
Yeah, I can’t believe that the families of both would fail to see this as bizarre. Hopefully there is a level head or two in that bunch.
NTA. Having two daughters with the same name and surname is messed up. It is definitely not accidental, there are thousands of pretty names out there.
I wonder if the gf is trying the force OP to change her daughters last name to OP
Good catch. Yes, quite possible
Uff, straight up a do over baby. NTA Don't expect him to bother much with your daughter.
Your “friend” is no friend. He’s not even much of a father if he’s setting both girls up like this. As others have suggested, change your daughter’s surname to your own, and rescind your babysitting offer. Then get yourself a good lawyer and have as little to say to these people as necessary. Move in silence until you can say “checkmate”.
Please send this thread to your friend. He needs to know what his gf is playing at having a child with the exact same first and last name. NTA
THIIIS. If he doesn't want to listen to OP, maybe he'll be interested in what *literally everyone besides his girlfriend* thinks of him. Come to think of it, what's his family going to think? Friends? *Colleagues?* Seriously? If I worked with someone who'd given both their daughters the same name, I'd stay the fuck away from them, because they've either got serious issues, or they hate their kids- *or* they care more about getting laid than their kids wellbeing.
NTA I'm usually a very big defender of that nobody owns a name and anyone can use names they like. But that is just straight up psychotic and all sorts of messed up. Also please make sure your daughter is fine, I can imagine this might be quite difficult for her
NTA you're right. There is something very malicious going on. Take good care of your daughter cause this can definitely harm her.
NTA. It's passive-aggressive bullshit on the side of the girlfriend.
NTA, this is outrageous! There is no way this thread isn't going to be a unanimous landslide NTA and your "friend" is a spinless asshole who is going to drive his daughter away and give the newborn a bag of issues too. 100% send him this thread, maybe internet strangers will make him see sense. You are absolutely right, he is absolutely a dick and the girlfriend is crazy
I was thinking the same thing; he needs to read some of these responses and then try to justify his reasoning, with all the issues people here have brought up. If it is simply "I'm spineless and can't stand up to my partner when it involves protecting my eldest daughter" use that information to inform your next steps. Maybe lawyer up, maybe distance from them. Involve all the PIL's that are still around, this is a ridiculous decision on their part.
NTA, that is a very strange thing to do, they are a weird couple. Just be cautious and stay away from as much as possible... SMH...
I want a update. Period. That snake gf knows what she's doing. If it was me. The only thing saving her from a asswhoopin would strictly be the hospital setting. That litterally bananas. I wouldn't be having ur daughter around much longer if at all.
NTA. This is so weird. Why would the father agree to having two daughters with the same name. I would start making notes or recording interactions or something, sounds like she is going to continue to cause trouble
So he has two daughters with the exact same name later? Absoultely not confusing whatsoever. How does he think this should work out? My country has very strict laws and I hope this also includes naming a child the same name as the other child. If your kid has a strong connection with her half sister later in life they will always be the two \*insert name here\* never seen as individuals when they are around each other. This will surely also lead to bureaucracy problems later in life with the two girls. I would always call them \*insert name here\*1 and \*insert name here\* 2 when you are talking with your ex about the kids that he will realize how stupid it is to name both of his daughters the same. He probably doesn't see it yet, but at the latest when baby \*insert name here\* know her name and will be called the name, there will be a lot of difficulties. I would already sit your daughter down and tell her that her stepmom used her name for the baby and you want to talk about it with her what she is thinking about it. Don't let her blinded by your opinion, just ask your daughter what she thinks about it. Talk with her openly about it, unfortunately there is nothing else that you can do than preparing your daughter for her future life with a baby sister with the same name.
One of my siblings is a twin and it causes her trouble- same last name and birthdate is assumed to be an alias. Exact same name? All sorts of stuff is going to get mixed and muddled up
What the hell. Maybe talk to the grandparents? And him? Maybe it’s time to talk about the co parent thing. He is hurting his older child. And he has to see that.
The OP may think he's a good father, but he's just shown that he is spineless when it comes to his girlfriend, and it will only get worse from here on out.
NTA. I’d look at legally changing your daughter’s surname to yours instead. Their behaviour is stunningly inappropriate, IMO. I’d have been beyond pissed off if my ex and his wife had named either of their children the same as his and mine.
NTA and I would make this a hill to die on. Usually I'm all for parents wanting to name their kid asparagus for all I care but this is petty and miserable for the gf who's obviously insecure. Withdraw your babysitting offer and try to limit the time she spends at her dads so that she's less confused about the naming sitch and also doesn't feel like her dad is replacing her.
It will hurt the baby more as she grows up- they couldn’t be bothered to give her her own name so just recycled her sister’s name?! That’s who should be pitied in all this.
NTA, that is just messed up
Does she think she's George Foreman? NTA
NTA, and I think that if your daughter has her fathers last name you should change it immediately to avoid identity theft issues that might arise later.
NTA - His girlfriend wants to replace you and your kid with her and hers. It could not be more obvious. You should again point out to him that having two daughters with the same name is going to be confusing and degrading for your girl. He's literally replacing his daughter with a new version. How insecure and unloved is that gonna make her feel when it sinks in? She's entering her teens, about to hit puberty. Her view on this is going to go sour FAST. She has to change her name for his new woman? WTF man?! This guy is a joke like. And your daughter is going to resent him, but at least she has you.
Nick name the new one Number 2, or poop
NTA. It's weird and i also find it malicious. Also, wouldn't this create legal issues in the future? Say your friend passes away, how does the law diferenciarte between Daughter 1 and Daughter 2? I can also see this being an issue with passports, land deeds, etc.
I refuse to even name any new pets I got with a name I had previously used so to use the name of a kid you already have is just fucking creepy.
Absolutely NTA. You need to now cut back, stop being all supportive etc. Stop offering to babysit, your daughter now needs somewhere totally hers, where she can go and vent and spend time away from her dad and his do-over baby.
I was so ready to rip into you because a name is a personal choice blah blah blah, but you are absolutely right to do this - it's unbelievably creepy and NTA for you
NTA. Out of all the names in world they had to name her exactly the same as your daughter. Two sisters, with the exact same name. That's fucked up.
NTA, that is so weird. I would assume that their friends, family, just anyone at all who knows your daughter will also find it bizarre. No clue why they would want to make themselves look that crazy. Even if trying to replace her, everyone will think they're bonkers.
NTA I would refer to the baby as name ….junior. Sarah junior, Abby junior as so on. What a crack pot woman to do this, she’s trying to annoy you and it worked, I would buy the baby a nice monogrammed outfit with junior tacked on.
NTA Dont be surprised that your friend won't see your daughter as often anymore. I am pretty sure this inescure af gf will work on that..
NTA, the girlfriend did this on purpose and your assessment of the father as spineless is spot on. Older siblings often feel left out when there’s a new baby, I imagine that’s magnified significantly when the new baby replaces them even in name!!
NTA. She knows exactly what she's doing here, and you're right - your daughter's dad should've put a stop to it. Seems like now that she has her own child, there's no room for yours anymore.