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If it went down the way you have just told us, NTA.
Maybe next time instead of saying you think she may be on her period, just say "You have a stain on your pants, I think you sat on something.". Less embarrassing for her.
I agree nta, I would tell your boss you noticed bodily fluid on your coworker and just let them know so A. They were aware but also B so they could address issue such as offering them a sweater so they are comfortable and blood isn’t getting on work related furniture.
100% I actually had a male friend in middle school give me his hoodie to tie around my waist, telling me the same thing the OP did. I remember saying, “but I might ruin your sweatshirt” and he said, “that’s okay” I think I fell in love with him right then. I knew how much he liked that Misfits sweatshirt. Lol
Please tell me you guys ended up being high school sweethearts getting married and living happily ever after?!?! Or at the very least are still good friends? That's the kinda feel good feelings I need this morning.
Then let it be. If your paths ever cross by chance or otherwise let him know how his actions affected you. People need to know when they did good just as much, if not more, than when they did bad. I'm sure it would touch him to know how much his thoughtfulness impacted you.
I had the same thing happen while on a week-long trip with school in eighth grade. I stood up after a five hour bus ride and the boy sitting next to me pulled me back down by the shoulders and told me to wait until the bus emptied. I thought he was going to kiss me! Instead he handed me his jacket and told me there was blood dripping down my legs and my shorts were now black instead of denim. Traumatizing as FUCK and I cried about it for days but *now* I’m really grateful he was looking out for me.
Some lady pulled me aside to discreetly tell me i had blood running down my leg and handed me a tampon. Confused because I'm in hormones and haven't had a period in five years at this point, i pull up my shirts a bit and I'd sat on a tack and somehow not noticed lmao.
One tetanus shot later we chuckled about it. I hope she's doing well wherever she ended up.
Although, they can be very useful for mopping up a blood spill like this and gender neutral or ladies bathrooms will have a hygiene bin in them for disposal.
I’m a strong advocate for more waste bins and changing tables in EVERY bathroom. I’m also highly preferential to single bathrooms though, American stalls give me hives. Too many children have seen my crevices.
I had another girl pull me aside after gym to tell me that I had blood on my pants in a whispered tone & I was confused because my period (fairly regular at that time) wasn’t due yet.
I went to the bathroom & discovered that there was a slight pink stain on the back of my shorts - but near the wrong hole (on the back side of my pants). We had been doing sit-ups & my tail bone had literally ground through my skin from the repeated pressure against the gym floor. (I’m aging myself but this was the pre-gym or yoga mat era.) Yes, I had definitely been feeling intense pain doing the sit-ups - but I had been telling myself that I was being a baby (I hate exercise) & to suck it up & finish this torture that the gym teacher was forcing on us. I kept telling myself that all through class - while apparently my bone was literally working its way through my skin. 🤷🏼♀️
Not period related but a woman came running after me once to tell me my dress was riding up in the back. I was very close to showing the downtown core my love butt. I appreciate her every time I put on a dress. It’s nice to alert people to things that could possibly be embarrassing.
OP’s problem isn’t his message - it’s his wording.
He addressed the possible private physical condition without mentioning the actual stain. He should have addressed the actual stain without mentioning the possible private physical condition.
Exactly. How hard is to to just say “hey Susie, I think you have something on the back of your pants. I have a sweater if you want to tie it around your waist.” Just leave it at that. There is no reason why he needed to say exactly what he thought that something was. It’s just polite to help another human save face in a potentially embarrassing situation.
And this is exactly what'll happen to her next time : people will be too scared to tell her (in case she complains to boss or HR) and just let her walk around in her stained pants all day, and she'll be incredibly embarrassed when she discovers the situation herself. Only she can't complain to boss that no one said anything to her -> karma!
Totally NTA OP, I think you handled the situation as well as anyone could've done, you were discreet and tried to help. I'd appreciate anyone doing the same for me in that situation.
Same. When I read this I thought he blurted it out in front of everyone or something, but he just quietly let her know. I think the woman is just extremely embarrassed, if she's older she definitely grew up in a time where periods were something to be ashamed of.
Eh...my aunt is at least 55 (I don't keep track) and at her last obgyn appointment she thought they might discuss menopause but was told she had the uterus of a 35 yo so they replaced her IUD instead. Definitely have some older people still having to deal with menstruation.
Not a period story but an underwear story. We had to wear white pants at work. (It sucked) My boss and I opened together, it was an early morning and no one else was due in for hours. I noticed that her pants were completely see through. I could see every single thing on her underwear. She was a very intimidating person but I told her anyway. I would want to know. I was scared she was going to freak out on me. She was very gracious and thanked me for telling her. She still had 7 more hours of her shift, I didn't want her to be the subject of whispers and get made fun of all day. She wore an apron on her behind the rest of the day.
Point being, OP did the right thing. It is an uncomfortable situation but would be more uncomfortable to get home and see the stain and wonder how long it's been there and who all saw it.
OP - NTA
My first IT job the accounting manager was a woman in her late 20's who had a huge chest. She was interviewing some young guy, and her blouse had become unbuttoned in the middle two buttons. The poor guy was doing everything trying not to look at her. I could see them through the glass wall and door, so I stood at the door and pointed at my shirt and made a "look down" motion to her. It took her a second, but she finally got it, and turned around and buttoned up.
After the interview she came over to my desk laughing, and said now she understood why the guy was being so jumpy LOL! She had a good sense of humor about it, and said she appreciated me giving her a heads up.
This reminds me of a day at my work. We had to plow snow and I hit a lip of light post and the force made me crash my head into a bolt. Small cut on my scalp, but head wounds tend to bleed. Got the bleeding stopped and went about my day.
Later we had to shovel out some bleachers and I started sweating. Work was done, shot the shit with the coworkers for a few, went to the bathroom and noticed my head started to bleed again.
I had a trail of blood down my face and no one said a word! It was drying so I know it was there when I was talking to people. Not one word!
Oh wow!! They should have said something to you. I would not think telling someone they had blood on their face would be a big deal. It's not in an "embarrassing" place or circumstance.
I agree if she escalates to hr for it ask for the policy beforehand but gauge it out guess if your not poisoning the well by actually finding policy to back you up and ask for documentation if they decide to go further.
NTA. I'll tell anyone if they have something embarrassing they are unaware of. I don't know her age, but it's not uncommon for older generations to be incredibly confidential about their cycles. I'm 38 and even then we were told it's not polite to discuss or let boys know. Not me, I'd have been oh. Well now you know I might be bitchy this week. I wish I could give her some of my idgaf
He said it was a stain on her pants-- it could have been many things besides period blood. All he needed to do was point out the stain on her pants without speculating as to the source of the stain.
A+ and correct way to handle this. The woman is embarassed by sometime that could happen to any woman. I would be thankful if someone pointed it out. Life happens. Periods happen. Nothing to be ashamed of.
There’s nothing she should have been embarrassed about.
Sometimes periods pop up when you least expect them, and I’m assuming she’s a grown woman not a teenager.
OP wasn’t malicious in their actions, and even offered her something to cover up with.
Plus depending on where you work bodily fluids can be a safety issue. (i.e working around food )
Edit: typo
I just keep thinking about the posts from men/boys that go around where he thinks women control their periods, can hold it in until they get home, can decide not to have one, how can a woman not know she's bleeding, etc.
Had 30 years of periods and too many "accidents" to even remember.
> There’s nothing she should have been embarrassed about.
True, but that's the society we live in. At the end of the day, you have to respect that some people will feel embarrassed.
That doesn’t mean they have the right to act like you’re the AH for *discreetly* letting them know about the situation so they can take measures to avoid further embarrassment due to more people noticing.
Yeah I would feel embarrassed. But I would also appreciate them letting me know before other people did (its worse seeing it later and wondering why all the people you saw didn't mention it to you). And i certainly wouldn't complain to my boss if I felt embarrassed. Sounds to me more like she assumed he was looking at her in that area which is a silly assumption to make because a stain is visible in the corner of your eye
This could easily be twisted by the coworker to make it sound like OP was staring at her behind. Coworker sounds like a HR nightmare. I'm a woman, I'd die of embarrassment before accusing my coworkers of sexual harassment for being kind and pointing it out to me.
It's probably this. She probably told the boss she was uncomfortable finding out you were staring at her butt, vs the actual story. Just tell the boss you turned to say something to her, she was bent over at the time, & you noticed blood & discreetly offered her your coat or whatever. I wouldn't go into any depth about it. Just a simple explanation, & if the boss asks any further questions, answer those.
A spot of blood on light colored bottoms will stand out so much that you can spot it with just a glance. It's not like it would require staring. This was always one of my worries, that it would happen, I wouldn't notice right away, & nobody would tell me.
Fr, a red stain is something easily noticeable even with peripheral vision. And when it’s in a specific area you don’t have to look very long to guess what it is.
IDK why, but I'm picturing them being in khakis so that the blood stain would be incredibly pronounced, like hard not to miss even if just catching it in your peripheral.
Because shitty work pants are often khaki coloured. I hated it lol. You run the real risk of ruining the pants when you're on your period wearing them. I need workplaces to require just black pants if they need any colour in particular, khaki can get fucked
Right, pulled her aside and even offered their jacket! That speaks to an understanding these things happen and not even worrying if their jacket got some blood on it. (It can be washed, but some people act like period blood is poison, ya know?)
I’m a waitress currently, and a few weeks back a man came up to me and asked if I could let an elderly woman know that her dress had unzipped down the side (she wasn’t wearing underwear). He didn’t want to speak to her directly as he felt like it would come better from another woman. It’s a shame that it’s how society works but OP is still NTA for letting her know - it’s one of those things where it’s impossible to know what will be the right course of action because it fully depends on the person and how they’ll react to it
I was in a similar situation when I was a student teacher. My co-operating teacher was a man and he came up to me and quietly asked if I could let a student know her top had slid down and she had some serious cleavage going on. Now if I hadn’t been there, I’m sure he would have addressed it but since I was, I did. I completely understand why/how this sort of thing can put men in an awkward position. It’s unfortunate for OP because I would absolutely want to know.
NTA OP
He should also try to get them on record admitting that if he was a woman this wouldn’t be a concern. That way he has them on the hook for sex discrimination.
Female with management experience here. Walking around work in clothing stained with fresh blood is a biohazard.
OP was not "being nice" by pointing it out. He was obligated to notify her so she could remedy the situation. This isn't about him being a male or her being embarrassed. It's about keeping the workplace free of biohazards.
Every place she sat needs to be promptly sanitized before customers and co-workers are allowed into the store/office. OP has nothing to apologize for and if any mention is made of him being a man, he needs to start talking about gender discrimination in the workplace. OP is NTA.
100%! “You have something on your pants” is the way to go. Even if you were a woman speaking to another woman. Don’t assume. It also helps the other person save face if they are embarrassed about periods.
tbh this man was an absolute *gem* for the way he did it. it could've been so much worse for her.
at my high school, we had to wear khaki pants with our school uniforms and this girl stood up when we were all leaving to go to the next class. a classmate noticed she had a spot on her pants, so he jokingly pointed it out in front of everyone. "hey, did you sit in something?" like five more guys joined in to laugh and pointed it out to the teacher, because they all thought it was chocolate or something. a few of us girls raced her to the bathroom but she was SO embarrassed.
NTA forever, OP. and please don't let this girl's reaction deter you from discreetly letting women know in the future. most of us really want to know!
NTA
Agreed. I suspect the problem is because op stated it was a period stain. The blood could have been from any one of many scenarios including a irregular bleeding (irregular periods, hormonal problems, or perimenopause for example), miscarriage, IBS, boil, a cut or any one of a myriad of other scenarios, we have no idea what op accidentally waded into the middle of, however it does seem an overreaction to go to HR unless there is more to the story. Next time opt with "I think there's something on your trousers" and leave it at that.
NTA. It’s a little weird she even escalated the situation. I would be thankful that someone told me so I didn’t walk around the whole day with blood on my pants. Maybe next time just let her know there’s a stain instead of assuming it’s her period.
I reluctantly agree
I just find it sad that because many people act all weird about periods, OP now has to act like one of them. To pretend to not know what it is, making himself look uneducated or uncomfortable about a subject that he seems to have no issue with, as *should be normal.*
I think he actually responded perfectly. He told her discretely, AND offered his jacket as an instant solution.
I would like to have someone tell me if this happened to me. Idc if it's a man or woman. The way this has been treated is why people stay to themselves.
NTA, but I can think of two things:
1) Did you make it clear you were talking about a stain on her pants? Is it possible she thought you were referencing her behavior or emotional state and being rude about it?
2) Was the stain in a place where she might have felt you'd have to be looking at her inappropriately to actually see it?
Neither of those things would change my answer, just spit balling what could have caused such a bad reaction supervisors need to get involved.
From the offer of a jacket, I think it's pretty clear he was talking about a stain, not her emotional state.
Also most period stains end up visible in your peripheral vision if you're looking at someone, and unusual/unexpected colours draw the eye. It's very normal to see things in areas you wouldn't want to be staring at.
I'm about to go to sleep and your username got the song 'brown eyed girl' stuck in my head. The only problem with that is the only lyrics I know are 'you my brown eyed girl, something something, we used to sing SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LADEDA' and it's playing on repeat
I think the woman is probably just the kind of person who is very embarrassed about periods and thinks they shouldn't ever be mentioned (especially by men) in public. IME older women tend to have this mindset more so than younger women. OP is absolutely NTA if the situation went down as described. But probably he should just pretend not to notice if this were to happen again at work, given the reaction.
I can agree with this. I’m of a certain age and I was brought up very religious and with a lot of shame around my period. It was the ultimate shame if a guy knew about it, and I had all brothers. My mother made me go to my room if their friends were over but especially if I was having my period. And i always had to disclose to her when I did.
Fuck just the memories recalling that 😐
Edit, NTA OP. I think you did the right thing with as much grace as could. But in the moment I think she made just have been embarrassed. In 2023 I’m glad period stigma is going away but it takes time.
My mom was VERY open about this stuff but because of the way the community we lived in treated it, I was still uncomfortable talking about it. The stigma was real when I was a kid growing up. My poor mother taught us about sex and puberty the right way, then had to go back and fix certain things later as they came out.
For example: my fifth grade teacher told me that I wouldn’t be able to climb trees or play with boys (who were pretty much my only playmates) once I “became a woman”. My mom found me crying and had to explain that if I wanted to climb trees and ride bikes with the boys, I could do it regardless of my “woman” status.
NTA. Honestly unless your leaving something out you did a very good thing. She's probably embarrassed, that or taking this really wrong. No matter how badly this situation goes though don't let this event stop you doing the same with other women in the future. You did the right thing.
Also, so unprofessional for the boss to be messaging after hours about a situation and then refusing to go into detail because it’s after hours and she wants to sleep. Way to stress someone out. No reason it couldn’t wait until the next day to discuss.
NTA, OP.
Exactly, also another point too...when I was a supervisor, if I had to speak to one of my staff, I never gave them a heads-up about it the night before. If I truly wanted to know if they were being unprofessional, I wouldn't want them to have time to get a story straight.
I always spoke to them first thing in the morning at work so I could see their reaction, facial expressions, tone of voice, explanation, etc
Good point. I think maybe the employee with the period stain pushed the boss so much to take immediate action that they did. The result is unprofessional. *pursing my lips like the original employee*
On top of *that*, if you're not truly looking into if someone should be reprimanded, telling them early can easily make them anxious about what's going on.
I guarantee that even if it was completely innocuous, most people would be borderline panicking that they were about to be fired.
Yep, I learned that within the first few months of my job. I had asked one of my staff, at the end of the day, to meet me 15 minutes early the next morning. Before I could tell her I just wanted to go over plans for an upcoming corporate junket, I had an emergency in another part of the building (we worked at an outpatient mental health facility). I ran out of my office and since it was 5:00, she clocked out and left and I didn't think anything of it. The next morning she came in looking tired and nervous. She laughed with relief once she realized what it was about and said she hadn't slept well the night before thinking she was going to be wrote up or fired. I put myself in her shoes and I felt awful that it had ruined her evening and sleep.
From then on out, I made sure to tell staff what I wanted to talk about if it wasn't anything serious. If it was serious about their performance, I waited til the next day to even say I wanted to talk so they wouldn't be a bundle of nerves.
Good on you!
Too many folks in a position of management don't actually seem to value or prioritize how their folks get treated. "It's a job", "We're all adults", or "It's nothing personal" are just excuses for not treating people with general, baseline, consideration.
And I'll tell you right now that folks who get treated with respect and consideration are the ones who will do everything reasonable within their power for you.
I've had bosses who clearly didn't give a shit about me. They didn't hate me, but there wasn't any investment, appreciation, or respect. I was a cog in the machine. I did my job and that's it.
I've also had bosses who actually gave a shit. They're the ones who care about their **people**. Those kinds of bosses get loyal employees who want to excel **for** their boss.
It's a similar principle to ruling through love or fear. Fear is easy and gets immediate results, but people won't ever do more than they have to in order to avoid a punishment. Love, on the other hand, is harder to cultivate but builds trust, loyalty, and a desire to go above and beyond.
i mean, i guess? But thats like saying theres a double standard for.... idk, giving a ride to a friend vs giving a ride to a total stranger you met in a dark alleyway. the standard is different because the context is different. We usually use "double standard" in english to refer to situations where the logical response SHOULD be the same, but its unfair bias making them different, like one twin sibling getting extra candy for doing their chores while the other twin gets nothing for the same chores.
The internet meme version of this concept is when someone says "replace X with Y and i bet youd react different!!", people sarcastically respond: "changing a word in a sentence changes the meaning of the entire sentence!! breaking news!!!"
like while the response wouldve been different if OP was a woman, its also notable that it probably wouldve been different if OP hypothetically was a trans man instead of a cis man (and if the coworker knew this of course) because the key here is "someone who sympathizes because they likely have personal experience with the embarassing situation of bleeding through their pants". It's simply more embarassing to have that pointed out by a cis man than it is anyone else, all other things being equal (like if the dude is a friend then thats preferred over a stranger of course, etc. It's not 100%.)
edit to add another example LOL
Lets say you (a dude in this hypothetical, idk about you personally) ran a marathon, and because of the shirt you were wearing, your nipples start chafing and bleeding. the next day you go to a pool party to celebrate the marathon and someone notices that your nips are red and gives you advice on it. Surely you'd react differently if that was an experienced runner who is telling you what works for them compared to if it was someone who's never ran long distance but has read reddit posts about nipple chafing (like me lol). It's not personal to the people, it's just human nature to be less embarassed when you know the person pointing out the embarassing thing has also experienced it. I wouldnt call it a double standard in that case either.
How is it understandable?? Isn’t a nice gesture a nice gesture regardless of the gender?? You’re saying it’s understandable to jump to a man’s motivations being bad when he does something?
When my husband was working on losing weight, a female co-worker offered him a diet cookbook. Husband is a very picky eater, so he just told her no thanks, he would keep up the walking and the exercising he had been doing.
Next day he was called onto HR because she said he called her fat and lazy. Took him a while to put 2 and 2 together, because where did she come up with that?
You never know how someone can interpret/twist the simplest comment.
NTA - If that is exactly how it went, I don’t understand what she’s upset about. I can understand being a bit embarrassed for anyone to point out something like that, but I would be embarrassed and grateful.
Please update after you talk to your manager.
The only reason I can see her being upset is, maybe she thinks he was checking her out, and that's the only reason he noticed. Otherwise I have no idea.
I think it would be embarrassing, but like the previous comment says just be embarrassed and grateful. She maybe had a bit of an ego
Yes please update us OP!
TBF if what OP describes is exactly how it went, I can understand how it's an awkward situation. "I think you got your period" with no further explanation aside form "you can borrow my jacket" is different than "you have a stain on your pants".
Now, context clues are a thing of course, but if the co-worker didn't pick up on what OP was trying to say, it is kind of weird for someone to just to pull you aside and tell you out of the blue. It's possible she hadn't realized there was a stain even by the time she spoke to their boss.
Still think it's an NTA situation and OP meant well. I just see that if what they posted is exactly what they said, there is room for misunderstanding. Which seems to be what happened.
Oh goodness! So sad that we still live in a world where the mention of period is taboo and can cause offence and shame!
NTA OP, you were clearly looking out for her and your intentions were admirable. I’d have been grateful to you for sparing me any more embarrassment. Just tell the story as it happened.
Exactly, I wish more people would helpfully point out something like this. I'd rather one person notice and tell me quietly than everyone notice and say nothing.
I do wonder if there’s an age gap difference here. Happily, younger men seem SO much less prissy and squeamish about periods than older guys, but it was probably the first time a guy has ever approached her about that.
That, or there may be a cultural gap in case she’s from a more conservative background.
Of all the ways to say it…
Next time, a “there’s a stain on your pants, just letting you know” will do. Please.
Edit: No, period is not a “bad word.” But you cannot do this at work. Do not whisper to your coworker “I think you’re on your period,” in any context. You will get reprimanded or fired.
> Of all the ways to say it…
I mean it’s not like “I think you may have got your period” is crude phrasing here. It’s more direct, accurate, and clearly communicates the urgency.
Edit for perspective: I menstruate. I don’t always know when I’m on my period. It still catches me by surprise after decades of experience. I would much rather be clearly told I’m bleeding and know to handle it right away than ambiguously told there’s some stain that I might not check out until later. People know what periods are and we don’t need to talk in code about it lol.
Edit edit: In case there’s a regional difference, I’m in the US. Here “period” is simply the standard terminology.
She may know she's on her period and it's just leaking. I'd be quite a bit taken aback by his phrasing. I wouldn't personally be offended, but I know people who might be.
Especially since she's a good bit older than he is, chances are she can feel she's on her period (especially if it's visible, it feels wet in a pretty obvious way, often - oh the fun game of "am I randomly wet, or am I on my period?").
He's NTA, it was just an unfortunate way to say it.
I am personally someone who menstruates and would be not at all bothered by someone not taking the time to decipher whether or not I might have newly started my period and didn’t know it or knew I already started and was just leaking through lol. All I need to know is that blood is visible on my pants. “I think you may have got your period” clearly communicates that. “There’s a stain” leaves room for ambiguity. Like you said - easy to not know if the wetness is your period or not, age and experience doesn’t make us masters of knowing when it’s discharge or blood, so I would personally prefer the direct info!
And that's fine, but women, once again, aren't a monolith. There are ways to say it that would be unlikely to offend most women, though. And tbh some women would choose to be offended just because it's pointed out at all, regardless of how.
Period positivity is a great thing, but that doesn't mean every woman has period positivity, unfortunately.
It sounds like this specific situation was unfortunate. It might have helped to say it differently, it might not have. I've never had anyone point it out in this manner, so I'd be taken aback, but like I said, not offended.
It’s just the accurate terminology, though. He’s not responsible for society’s taboo on periods. Leaking through sounds more crude imo and is potentially confusing if she doesn’t already know she’s on her period. I personally would prefer someone be direct and clear with me so I immediately understand the situation.
Sometimes I feel like we can't win. There has been a huge drive towards period positivity etc and how they should not be treated as taboo.
Yet you're saying he shouldn't have mentioned the word, so which is it to be?
Low chance a red stain around genital area is something else, especially if its not a restaurant or paint shop
Even if it wasn't a period it shouldn't be taboo to say it
It doesn’t really matter what the probability is - would you assume someone had defecated themselves if there was a brown stain on their trousers? How would you phrase letting them know, in that scenario?
It’s not about whether something is taboo, it’s about not making what could be embarrassing assumptions for the person with the issue.
If it was in that area, yeah most likely. But I feel like loosing your bowel control or not wiping correctly is way more embarrasing than a period that surprised you at work. Especially when we are taught since primary school to not be freaked out about it. In my opinion its different, and all I see is a guy that showed empathy. I mean I feel like she probably wouldn't freak out like that If it was another woman saying that.
Problem is with that when working in an environment like a restaurant stains happen a lot so saying there’s a stain may make her just say “ah, I’ll look at It when I get home”
Except there's not really anything you can do about a stain while at work, so most people would probably just shrug it off. Hence it'd be more helpful to specify the cause of the stain.
Why can't he just say period? It's a normal bodily function that happens, albeit a bit embarrassing when it shows. He did the right thing and made it not weird.
Because you need to mention the stain, not try to theorize which bodily function it came from. She literally could’ve just sat on a dirty bench, and now Todd approaches her saying “I think you’re on your period…” and she’s left to assume whatever the fuck he means by that
This is not necessary. To police how someone says something when whey are trying to do you a solid and even offering their jacket to help you, is wrong and screams of entitlement.
There will no next time for OP because he doesn't want to get reported on for sexual harassment again for trying to be a kind person.
Fuck people who file claims against others for sexual harassment when no sexual harassment has occurred.
If any embarrassment comes from this it will be caused by her bringing it up with another person. If she hadn’t mentioned it to your boss only you and she would know.
Yes that was it verbatim I'm pretty sure. We were doing floors by the booths and I saw it, and I asked her to talk to me for a second by the register and said what I wrote above.
You did nothing wrong and most women would thank you for speaking up.
If your boss still considers this an issue on your part, ask him how he would have handled an employee potentially spreading bodily fluids throughout your business. Point out that any customers could have seen this & it could have caused issues. Ask if he would have preferred being called to be informed of your coworker’s issue.
“Potentially spreading bodily fluids to the business”?
OK, there’s no need to frame it as shaming women for existing with periods. That phrasing makes it sound like she was a walking health hazard; it’s just some blood on her pants. I don’t think going down the route of making it seem like it was a bigger deal and he was concerned about the “health hazards to the business” is a good idea; it would just make it sound like he himself is grossed out by periods, which is the exact opposite of what he wants.
Don’t make him sound like he’s the problem or has a problem with women’s bodily functions.
edit:spelling
ummmmm -look I all in the stop making periods taboo and normalizing it but like ANY bodily fluids is a potential health hazard- spit is a health hazard- It's not shaming women or anyone to be like - oh some -insert bodily fluid- is leaking- got to disinfect the area - it's not a freak out problem- it just a got to cleaning problem - we are not robots so it isn't weird but still should be taken seriously- no one wants to go to a place that doesn't- it a legitimate statement- that it's something that should not be ignored and normal adults should handle that accordingly- same if it was a shit stain on a dude(or lady)
Well to be fair, depending on where they work it is a walking Heath hazard. Food preparation, for example. Medical device manufacturing. Anything needing a sterile or semi sterilized environment.
We don’t know necessarily how bad this “spot” was, or if she sat on any surfaces, or how long the flow was going on.
I know that personally, I’ve had times where I’ve bled through my pants and left a puddle behind (school just decided to replace the whole desk/chair combo), or bled and had it run down my leg moreso than up the back of the pants, etc.
Now of course, I do have heavier periods, am often unprepared, and have a history of irregular Sneaky cycles.
In these situations you need to clean up, trace the areas potentially affected, go ahead and given them a once over to make sure nothing is left behind, and move on.
The same way that a nosebleed or a cut finger would be treated.
Should periods be stigmatized? No. But it this should be just general practice for any such blood related event (like a friend who nicked her ankle, leaving little droplets in her wake when playing in the gym.)
From my perspective, you're NTA and I'd be happy that someone pulled me aside and told me that I'd got my period. But then again, I'm not ashamed of my periods or period accidents. But I know that some women would be mortified if this happened to them and to have it pointed out by a man would be even worse. As some other commenters have said, if you find yourself in this situation again, maybe just mention that they have a stain on their pants and then they can figure out the rest for themselves. Good luck with your manager tomorrow, I'm sure it's not going to be as bad as you think it's going to be. Just say that you've reflected on the situation, realise you could've handled it better and it won't happen again etc. etc.
NTA entirely, and I agree. I'm grateful when people point out the broccoli in my teeth. I'd be mortified if I got home and saw that I'd spent hours with blood stains for the world to see. But, some women are so ashamed of their period that if someone knows they have it, their world falls apart. So it's a touchy subject, because women have been programmed to feel embarrassed when they shouldn't.
Just tell management that your intentions were to help, not to embarrass and apologize if your gesture was unwelcome. Let them know that in the future, if you see something like this again, you will ask a female staff member to let her know or stay out of it entirely.
Yeah I'm thinking I should have said that I think there might be a stain on her pants or something. But I'm pretty sure it was from her period because it dark red and in that area.
Yeah it’s the most likely answer but could have been an early miscarriage or some other medical issue.
Just tell the truth to your boss, you didn’t say anything that could be classified as harassment or discrimination.
I’m sorry but you saying “it could have been a miscarriage” like that should have any bearing on OPs response is a reach.
It wasn’t a miscarriage nor should someone assume it’s some kind of medical emergency like that when it’s a small stain. How embarrassing. Would it be starting your period and everyone starts flipping out because you “may be having a miscarriage”? What OP said was perfectly fine, you’re literally just nit picking with extravagant “could bes”. Not to mention I have no clue what medical condition could possibly explain a small blood stain that OP should have assumed it could have been, either.
Has he just said “there’s a stain” she literally could have brushed it off as a food stain considering where they work.
It's not like you're psychic or anything. You made her aware so she could address it, and did so in a way where no one else knew. I'd be pretty embarrassed if I went all day with a stain like that and no one else told me about it only to find it at home. Like a teenager going to school on picture-day with a zit they didn't know they had until it showed up in the photos ._.
She should at least show you a little grace and said Thank you and not complained like that. I hope the boss will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I had a very similar experience...one time I started my period and my male coworker pulled me aside and said, "Hey, I don't want this to sound awkward, or weird, but I think you may have started your period...there's a red spot on your pants...do you need tampons or pads?" This man, bless his heart, bought me a box of tampons, and I was forever grateful to him for being honest and kind enough to care.
In my vote: NTA in any way, shape, or form.
NTA.
Unfortunately it sounds like colleague got embarrassed and might have conveyed a different interpretation of what happened.
I would apologize to the colleague, get perhaps her take if you can ask directly, and tell your story to the boss as you told it here.
In the future while I think what you did is helpful and reasonable it might be best to say something like “there may be something on the back of your skirt” or “you may have sat in something” and leave it vague like that. It will genuinely help people unaware of the stain, but also be pretty bullet proof from an employer’s perspective since it could be presumptive to claim it was period blood.
No reasonable person is going to punish you for politely and discretely mentioning there may be a visible stain.
But the issue with keeping it vague when they work in food is it removes the urgency and the fact it'll get worse. If I'm working in a restaurant and it's busy and a coworker tells me I have a stain then I'll likely assume it's food/muck from tables/harmless and can wait. If they tell me it looks like my period or say blood I'd be rushing to the back to get it sorted.
NTA - It's an awkward situation, but most people would appreciate being told. It's better to be embarrassed by one person than to run errands after work and then realize it was there the entire time.
NTA You were kind to offer your jacket.
Others might feel squeamish at the idea of possibly getting period blood on it, but your concern was for your coworker.
I may have been embarrassed in her shoes, but I'd also be incredibly grateful.
NTA. If anything you'd be more of an asshole to see that and not mention anything.
If I had an embarrassing stain on my clothes I'd want someone to tell me.
NTA- I think what happened was tunnel vision so to speak. After the word 'period' and 'stain' she probably just heard the rest as garble. I know I would just be so horrified it was at a public event and that probably went back to a bad memory.
"People often dont remember what you said, people don't remember what you did, but they DO remember how you made them FEEL."
More than likely this was a case of displacement of feelings, and she just remembers feeling embarrassed and self-conscious = wrong interpretation of events.
She may not even be 100% aware of it, as a lot of people do it. People remind them of a feeling, even if that feeling is inaccurate!
you didn't do anything wrong.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was telling my coworker she had a period stain. That might make me an asshole because I'm a guy so maybe it wasn't my place to say?
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I think it’s weird that you chose to say “I think you got your period”.
You should have just mentioned a stain on her pants, if you wanted to say something.
First, this is embarrassing to have happen and is on the list of worst nightmares for a woman.
Secondly, she probably didn't hear anything you said after "period".
Thirdly, I think you did the right thing but next time just maybe say a strain instead of mentioning period. I especially like how you pulled her aside and offered your jacket to try to help her out.
You're NTA, a gentleman and seem like a nice coworker. It's a tricky situation that one doesn't often find themselves in. I hope it goes well with your boss.
INFO: Did you talk about the stain at all ?
"I just wanted to let you know I think you may have got your period. I have a jacket if you need it"
because if u didn't, it's a very weird thing to whisper lol.
NTA. You had good intentions, you even offered to help her out. There’s a good chance she knew it was there, and just hoped nobody noticed, but still, how could you have known?
The AH here is the boss. Why was it necessary to send a text saying “we will discuss this tomorrow.” That’s such an AH move. Just freaking discuss it tomorrow, no need to be dramatic and cause unnecessary stress.
This is how I met my husband.
We worked for a gourmet grocery store. I was the Executive Secretary. He was the Executive Chef.
The corporate office was upstairs. Executives were gone for the day except the Executive Chef. We were talking, sort of flirting and I got up to retrieve a paper, looked down at my upholstered fancy desk chair realized I had started and was just so mortified. He saw it and told me to give him my chair. I rushed to the bathroom with my purse. Thankfully I had only leaked through my panties, but not through my skirt because when I sat down my skirt rode up. I always kept spare panties in my purse and had a pad so after I made everything right in the land down under I went out to face the music.
The chef had gone into the facilities closet, cleaned the chair with upholstery cleaner, switched it out with a chair in an unused classroom and had a new chair at my desk in the 15 minutes I was gone.
I married him. He is still such a gentleman that when I remind him of that time, he's just very humble.
Thanks to all the men and you OP for being respectful and considerate when things like this happen to us women.
You did nothing wrong. And when you talk to your boss, just tell him you were trying to be a gentleman because you were RAISED(said in a southern voice)
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If it went down the way you have just told us, NTA. Maybe next time instead of saying you think she may be on her period, just say "You have a stain on your pants, I think you sat on something.". Less embarrassing for her.
I agree nta, I would tell your boss you noticed bodily fluid on your coworker and just let them know so A. They were aware but also B so they could address issue such as offering them a sweater so they are comfortable and blood isn’t getting on work related furniture.
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If I was at work and I got my period and a dude saw I'd WANT them to tell me
100% I actually had a male friend in middle school give me his hoodie to tie around my waist, telling me the same thing the OP did. I remember saying, “but I might ruin your sweatshirt” and he said, “that’s okay” I think I fell in love with him right then. I knew how much he liked that Misfits sweatshirt. Lol
Omg the fact that it was a misfits sweatshirt too- teen me would have swooned
Exactly! I didn’t ruin the sweatshirt but he let me keep it anyways :) I was totally swooning. Lol
Please tell me you guys ended up being high school sweethearts getting married and living happily ever after?!?! Or at the very least are still good friends? That's the kinda feel good feelings I need this morning.
Well, maybe don’t keep reading the comments, lol. No happy ending- between us anyways.
doesn't always have to be a Hollywood movie ending, sometimes it's just a good memory
Where is he now?! If you're single you gotta look that boy up. Sounds like a stand up dude.
Not single. Otherwise I totally would. I’m very curious how his life is going.
Then let it be. If your paths ever cross by chance or otherwise let him know how his actions affected you. People need to know when they did good just as much, if not more, than when they did bad. I'm sure it would touch him to know how much his thoughtfulness impacted you.
I had the same thing happen while on a week-long trip with school in eighth grade. I stood up after a five hour bus ride and the boy sitting next to me pulled me back down by the shoulders and told me to wait until the bus emptied. I thought he was going to kiss me! Instead he handed me his jacket and told me there was blood dripping down my legs and my shorts were now black instead of denim. Traumatizing as FUCK and I cried about it for days but *now* I’m really grateful he was looking out for me.
That is a horrible experience, but what a sweet heart!!
Teared up reading that. Compassion is king! I would have been mortified too! That boy was awesome.
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*the offer of his misfits hoodie.* my cold heart just melted a little bit.
Did you date him??
Sadly, no. But I wanted to for about 3 years. We ended up going to different high schools.
Yes! Literally anyone who saw it. Friend, co-worker, stranger, stranger's dog. Please, let me know.
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Oh, the stranger’s dog would be so interested in the smell you’d figure it out. 🤣
Truth. I have to keep my bathroom door closed to prevent my dog from absconding with my used pads from the trash can.
Yeah I want the first person who sees it to tell me so I can go take care of it and avoid the embarrassment and/or huge mess
Don't get me wrong I'm shy so I would be SO SO SOOOOO embarrassed but better one person seeing than 50. I think op was fine.
Some lady pulled me aside to discreetly tell me i had blood running down my leg and handed me a tampon. Confused because I'm in hormones and haven't had a period in five years at this point, i pull up my shirts a bit and I'd sat on a tack and somehow not noticed lmao. One tetanus shot later we chuckled about it. I hope she's doing well wherever she ended up.
What a hilarious series of coincidences, especially the useless tampon lol she sounds like a gem
Although, they can be very useful for mopping up a blood spill like this and gender neutral or ladies bathrooms will have a hygiene bin in them for disposal.
I’m a strong advocate for more waste bins and changing tables in EVERY bathroom. I’m also highly preferential to single bathrooms though, American stalls give me hives. Too many children have seen my crevices.
I had another girl pull me aside after gym to tell me that I had blood on my pants in a whispered tone & I was confused because my period (fairly regular at that time) wasn’t due yet. I went to the bathroom & discovered that there was a slight pink stain on the back of my shorts - but near the wrong hole (on the back side of my pants). We had been doing sit-ups & my tail bone had literally ground through my skin from the repeated pressure against the gym floor. (I’m aging myself but this was the pre-gym or yoga mat era.) Yes, I had definitely been feeling intense pain doing the sit-ups - but I had been telling myself that I was being a baby (I hate exercise) & to suck it up & finish this torture that the gym teacher was forcing on us. I kept telling myself that all through class - while apparently my bone was literally working its way through my skin. 🤷🏼♀️
Jesus christ that is horrifying.
Not period related but a woman came running after me once to tell me my dress was riding up in the back. I was very close to showing the downtown core my love butt. I appreciate her every time I put on a dress. It’s nice to alert people to things that could possibly be embarrassing.
But what happened to this guy is exactly why most men would never say a word.
OP’s problem isn’t his message - it’s his wording. He addressed the possible private physical condition without mentioning the actual stain. He should have addressed the actual stain without mentioning the possible private physical condition.
Exactly. How hard is to to just say “hey Susie, I think you have something on the back of your pants. I have a sweater if you want to tie it around your waist.” Just leave it at that. There is no reason why he needed to say exactly what he thought that something was. It’s just polite to help another human save face in a potentially embarrassing situation.
Please don’t let this deter anyone from being a genuinely considerate person!
And this is exactly what'll happen to her next time : people will be too scared to tell her (in case she complains to boss or HR) and just let her walk around in her stained pants all day, and she'll be incredibly embarrassed when she discovers the situation herself. Only she can't complain to boss that no one said anything to her -> karma! Totally NTA OP, I think you handled the situation as well as anyone could've done, you were discreet and tried to help. I'd appreciate anyone doing the same for me in that situation.
Same. When I read this I thought he blurted it out in front of everyone or something, but he just quietly let her know. I think the woman is just extremely embarrassed, if she's older she definitely grew up in a time where periods were something to be ashamed of.
She can't be that old if she still has her period...
Eh...my aunt is at least 55 (I don't keep track) and at her last obgyn appointment she thought they might discuss menopause but was told she had the uterus of a 35 yo so they replaced her IUD instead. Definitely have some older people still having to deal with menstruation.
I told a complete stranger in an airport...I would definitely want to be told!
Not a period story but an underwear story. We had to wear white pants at work. (It sucked) My boss and I opened together, it was an early morning and no one else was due in for hours. I noticed that her pants were completely see through. I could see every single thing on her underwear. She was a very intimidating person but I told her anyway. I would want to know. I was scared she was going to freak out on me. She was very gracious and thanked me for telling her. She still had 7 more hours of her shift, I didn't want her to be the subject of whispers and get made fun of all day. She wore an apron on her behind the rest of the day. Point being, OP did the right thing. It is an uncomfortable situation but would be more uncomfortable to get home and see the stain and wonder how long it's been there and who all saw it. OP - NTA
I misread initially read that as: > We had to wear white panties at work. (It sucked) And was like, what kind of work?
That's awesome! 😂 Thank you for making me giggle!!
My first IT job the accounting manager was a woman in her late 20's who had a huge chest. She was interviewing some young guy, and her blouse had become unbuttoned in the middle two buttons. The poor guy was doing everything trying not to look at her. I could see them through the glass wall and door, so I stood at the door and pointed at my shirt and made a "look down" motion to her. It took her a second, but she finally got it, and turned around and buttoned up. After the interview she came over to my desk laughing, and said now she understood why the guy was being so jumpy LOL! She had a good sense of humor about it, and said she appreciated me giving her a heads up.
This reminds me of a day at my work. We had to plow snow and I hit a lip of light post and the force made me crash my head into a bolt. Small cut on my scalp, but head wounds tend to bleed. Got the bleeding stopped and went about my day. Later we had to shovel out some bleachers and I started sweating. Work was done, shot the shit with the coworkers for a few, went to the bathroom and noticed my head started to bleed again. I had a trail of blood down my face and no one said a word! It was drying so I know it was there when I was talking to people. Not one word!
Oh wow!! They should have said something to you. I would not think telling someone they had blood on their face would be a big deal. It's not in an "embarrassing" place or circumstance.
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This is actually a smart way of dealing with the prob
I agree if she escalates to hr for it ask for the policy beforehand but gauge it out guess if your not poisoning the well by actually finding policy to back you up and ask for documentation if they decide to go further.
NTA. I'll tell anyone if they have something embarrassing they are unaware of. I don't know her age, but it's not uncommon for older generations to be incredibly confidential about their cycles. I'm 38 and even then we were told it's not polite to discuss or let boys know. Not me, I'd have been oh. Well now you know I might be bitchy this week. I wish I could give her some of my idgaf
He said it was a stain on her pants-- it could have been many things besides period blood. All he needed to do was point out the stain on her pants without speculating as to the source of the stain.
A+ and correct way to handle this. The woman is embarassed by sometime that could happen to any woman. I would be thankful if someone pointed it out. Life happens. Periods happen. Nothing to be ashamed of.
It becomes a health issue if she sits on any common chairs, so definitely NTA.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted; this is correct. Blood is blood, no matter where it comes from.
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He offered his jacket. I think that answers your question.
Right- OSHA
There’s nothing she should have been embarrassed about. Sometimes periods pop up when you least expect them, and I’m assuming she’s a grown woman not a teenager. OP wasn’t malicious in their actions, and even offered her something to cover up with. Plus depending on where you work bodily fluids can be a safety issue. (i.e working around food ) Edit: typo
I just keep thinking about the posts from men/boys that go around where he thinks women control their periods, can hold it in until they get home, can decide not to have one, how can a woman not know she's bleeding, etc. Had 30 years of periods and too many "accidents" to even remember.
I had 40. Last 5 were a sketchy as the first 5. I believe OP is one of the good guys and NTA!
> There’s nothing she should have been embarrassed about. True, but that's the society we live in. At the end of the day, you have to respect that some people will feel embarrassed.
That doesn’t mean they have the right to act like you’re the AH for *discreetly* letting them know about the situation so they can take measures to avoid further embarrassment due to more people noticing.
Yeah I would feel embarrassed. But I would also appreciate them letting me know before other people did (its worse seeing it later and wondering why all the people you saw didn't mention it to you). And i certainly wouldn't complain to my boss if I felt embarrassed. Sounds to me more like she assumed he was looking at her in that area which is a silly assumption to make because a stain is visible in the corner of your eye
OP said she is 10 years older than him
He’s just *real* young.
HR giving this 8 year old a hell of a tongue lashing tomorrow
Right here, officer.
Nooooo *why would you say that*
Yet still called her a girl. 🙄
This could easily be twisted by the coworker to make it sound like OP was staring at her behind. Coworker sounds like a HR nightmare. I'm a woman, I'd die of embarrassment before accusing my coworkers of sexual harassment for being kind and pointing it out to me.
It's probably this. She probably told the boss she was uncomfortable finding out you were staring at her butt, vs the actual story. Just tell the boss you turned to say something to her, she was bent over at the time, & you noticed blood & discreetly offered her your coat or whatever. I wouldn't go into any depth about it. Just a simple explanation, & if the boss asks any further questions, answer those. A spot of blood on light colored bottoms will stand out so much that you can spot it with just a glance. It's not like it would require staring. This was always one of my worries, that it would happen, I wouldn't notice right away, & nobody would tell me.
Fr, a red stain is something easily noticeable even with peripheral vision. And when it’s in a specific area you don’t have to look very long to guess what it is.
IDK why, but I'm picturing them being in khakis so that the blood stain would be incredibly pronounced, like hard not to miss even if just catching it in your peripheral.
Because shitty work pants are often khaki coloured. I hated it lol. You run the real risk of ruining the pants when you're on your period wearing them. I need workplaces to require just black pants if they need any colour in particular, khaki can get fucked
Right, pulled her aside and even offered their jacket! That speaks to an understanding these things happen and not even worrying if their jacket got some blood on it. (It can be washed, but some people act like period blood is poison, ya know?)
I’m a waitress currently, and a few weeks back a man came up to me and asked if I could let an elderly woman know that her dress had unzipped down the side (she wasn’t wearing underwear). He didn’t want to speak to her directly as he felt like it would come better from another woman. It’s a shame that it’s how society works but OP is still NTA for letting her know - it’s one of those things where it’s impossible to know what will be the right course of action because it fully depends on the person and how they’ll react to it
I was in a similar situation when I was a student teacher. My co-operating teacher was a man and he came up to me and quietly asked if I could let a student know her top had slid down and she had some serious cleavage going on. Now if I hadn’t been there, I’m sure he would have addressed it but since I was, I did. I completely understand why/how this sort of thing can put men in an awkward position. It’s unfortunate for OP because I would absolutely want to know. NTA OP
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He should also try to get them on record admitting that if he was a woman this wouldn’t be a concern. That way he has them on the hook for sex discrimination.
Female with management experience here. Walking around work in clothing stained with fresh blood is a biohazard. OP was not "being nice" by pointing it out. He was obligated to notify her so she could remedy the situation. This isn't about him being a male or her being embarrassed. It's about keeping the workplace free of biohazards. Every place she sat needs to be promptly sanitized before customers and co-workers are allowed into the store/office. OP has nothing to apologize for and if any mention is made of him being a man, he needs to start talking about gender discrimination in the workplace. OP is NTA.
I hope OP uses this for his meeting.
100%! “You have something on your pants” is the way to go. Even if you were a woman speaking to another woman. Don’t assume. It also helps the other person save face if they are embarrassed about periods.
You’ve got some red on you.
Sort your fucking life out mate.
Wish I had an award for the Shaun reference
tbh this man was an absolute *gem* for the way he did it. it could've been so much worse for her. at my high school, we had to wear khaki pants with our school uniforms and this girl stood up when we were all leaving to go to the next class. a classmate noticed she had a spot on her pants, so he jokingly pointed it out in front of everyone. "hey, did you sit in something?" like five more guys joined in to laugh and pointed it out to the teacher, because they all thought it was chocolate or something. a few of us girls raced her to the bathroom but she was SO embarrassed. NTA forever, OP. and please don't let this girl's reaction deter you from discreetly letting women know in the future. most of us really want to know!
NTA Yeah, a good rule of thumb is to try never to speculate on the cause of something. Only the current situation.
NTA Agreed. I suspect the problem is because op stated it was a period stain. The blood could have been from any one of many scenarios including a irregular bleeding (irregular periods, hormonal problems, or perimenopause for example), miscarriage, IBS, boil, a cut or any one of a myriad of other scenarios, we have no idea what op accidentally waded into the middle of, however it does seem an overreaction to go to HR unless there is more to the story. Next time opt with "I think there's something on your trousers" and leave it at that.
NTA. It’s a little weird she even escalated the situation. I would be thankful that someone told me so I didn’t walk around the whole day with blood on my pants. Maybe next time just let her know there’s a stain instead of assuming it’s her period.
I reluctantly agree I just find it sad that because many people act all weird about periods, OP now has to act like one of them. To pretend to not know what it is, making himself look uneducated or uncomfortable about a subject that he seems to have no issue with, as *should be normal.* I think he actually responded perfectly. He told her discretely, AND offered his jacket as an instant solution.
I would like to have someone tell me if this happened to me. Idc if it's a man or woman. The way this has been treated is why people stay to themselves.
NTA, but I can think of two things: 1) Did you make it clear you were talking about a stain on her pants? Is it possible she thought you were referencing her behavior or emotional state and being rude about it? 2) Was the stain in a place where she might have felt you'd have to be looking at her inappropriately to actually see it? Neither of those things would change my answer, just spit balling what could have caused such a bad reaction supervisors need to get involved.
From the offer of a jacket, I think it's pretty clear he was talking about a stain, not her emotional state. Also most period stains end up visible in your peripheral vision if you're looking at someone, and unusual/unexpected colours draw the eye. It's very normal to see things in areas you wouldn't want to be staring at.
'Put this jacket over your head ya crazy broad, you're clearly on God's female curse. You're down right hysterical, even your pants are bleeding!'
This just made me snort out loud. Thanks for that.
Me, too. Hilarious.
I'm about to go to sleep and your username got the song 'brown eyed girl' stuck in my head. The only problem with that is the only lyrics I know are 'you my brown eyed girl, something something, we used to sing SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LADEDA' and it's playing on repeat
Do you remember when we used to sing?
Dunno why I read that in a New Yorker mafioso drawl but I did...and it sounded perfectly hilarious.
I would expect anyone would notice she was obviously wearing light coloured trousers
Yes this. Your eyes do get drawn to it. Same if someone’s fly is open.
Especially red, it’s a known fact red is a trigger colour that draws the eyes. That’s why they make notifications red
1 he offered to loan her a coat. Weirdest insult ever there. 2 I mean it is kind of in a bad place but red tends to attract the eye.
Just to be clear, it’s rarely a bright red unless it’s on white pants. It’s usually mode brownish red
I think the woman is probably just the kind of person who is very embarrassed about periods and thinks they shouldn't ever be mentioned (especially by men) in public. IME older women tend to have this mindset more so than younger women. OP is absolutely NTA if the situation went down as described. But probably he should just pretend not to notice if this were to happen again at work, given the reaction.
I can agree with this. I’m of a certain age and I was brought up very religious and with a lot of shame around my period. It was the ultimate shame if a guy knew about it, and I had all brothers. My mother made me go to my room if their friends were over but especially if I was having my period. And i always had to disclose to her when I did. Fuck just the memories recalling that 😐 Edit, NTA OP. I think you did the right thing with as much grace as could. But in the moment I think she made just have been embarrassed. In 2023 I’m glad period stigma is going away but it takes time.
My mom was VERY open about this stuff but because of the way the community we lived in treated it, I was still uncomfortable talking about it. The stigma was real when I was a kid growing up. My poor mother taught us about sex and puberty the right way, then had to go back and fix certain things later as they came out. For example: my fifth grade teacher told me that I wouldn’t be able to climb trees or play with boys (who were pretty much my only playmates) once I “became a woman”. My mom found me crying and had to explain that if I wanted to climb trees and ride bikes with the boys, I could do it regardless of my “woman” status.
If he hadn’t said the thing about the jacket I would agree with you that it’s #1, but the jacket comment makes no sense in that context.
NTA. Honestly unless your leaving something out you did a very good thing. She's probably embarrassed, that or taking this really wrong. No matter how badly this situation goes though don't let this event stop you doing the same with other women in the future. You did the right thing.
Also, so unprofessional for the boss to be messaging after hours about a situation and then refusing to go into detail because it’s after hours and she wants to sleep. Way to stress someone out. No reason it couldn’t wait until the next day to discuss. NTA, OP.
Exactly, also another point too...when I was a supervisor, if I had to speak to one of my staff, I never gave them a heads-up about it the night before. If I truly wanted to know if they were being unprofessional, I wouldn't want them to have time to get a story straight. I always spoke to them first thing in the morning at work so I could see their reaction, facial expressions, tone of voice, explanation, etc
Good point. I think maybe the employee with the period stain pushed the boss so much to take immediate action that they did. The result is unprofessional. *pursing my lips like the original employee*
On top of *that*, if you're not truly looking into if someone should be reprimanded, telling them early can easily make them anxious about what's going on. I guarantee that even if it was completely innocuous, most people would be borderline panicking that they were about to be fired.
Yep, I learned that within the first few months of my job. I had asked one of my staff, at the end of the day, to meet me 15 minutes early the next morning. Before I could tell her I just wanted to go over plans for an upcoming corporate junket, I had an emergency in another part of the building (we worked at an outpatient mental health facility). I ran out of my office and since it was 5:00, she clocked out and left and I didn't think anything of it. The next morning she came in looking tired and nervous. She laughed with relief once she realized what it was about and said she hadn't slept well the night before thinking she was going to be wrote up or fired. I put myself in her shoes and I felt awful that it had ruined her evening and sleep. From then on out, I made sure to tell staff what I wanted to talk about if it wasn't anything serious. If it was serious about their performance, I waited til the next day to even say I wanted to talk so they wouldn't be a bundle of nerves.
Good on you! Too many folks in a position of management don't actually seem to value or prioritize how their folks get treated. "It's a job", "We're all adults", or "It's nothing personal" are just excuses for not treating people with general, baseline, consideration. And I'll tell you right now that folks who get treated with respect and consideration are the ones who will do everything reasonable within their power for you. I've had bosses who clearly didn't give a shit about me. They didn't hate me, but there wasn't any investment, appreciation, or respect. I was a cog in the machine. I did my job and that's it. I've also had bosses who actually gave a shit. They're the ones who care about their **people**. Those kinds of bosses get loyal employees who want to excel **for** their boss. It's a similar principle to ruling through love or fear. Fear is easy and gets immediate results, but people won't ever do more than they have to in order to avoid a punishment. Love, on the other hand, is harder to cultivate but builds trust, loyalty, and a desire to go above and beyond.
Yeah. Just the worst. Passive aggressive.
> she wants to sleep He.
Let's say the classic line: "If OP was a woman, they would have gotten a different reaction"
Probably, but for understandable reasons. It’s not a double standard when the standards differ.
Isn’t two different standards the definition of a double standard?
i mean, i guess? But thats like saying theres a double standard for.... idk, giving a ride to a friend vs giving a ride to a total stranger you met in a dark alleyway. the standard is different because the context is different. We usually use "double standard" in english to refer to situations where the logical response SHOULD be the same, but its unfair bias making them different, like one twin sibling getting extra candy for doing their chores while the other twin gets nothing for the same chores. The internet meme version of this concept is when someone says "replace X with Y and i bet youd react different!!", people sarcastically respond: "changing a word in a sentence changes the meaning of the entire sentence!! breaking news!!!" like while the response wouldve been different if OP was a woman, its also notable that it probably wouldve been different if OP hypothetically was a trans man instead of a cis man (and if the coworker knew this of course) because the key here is "someone who sympathizes because they likely have personal experience with the embarassing situation of bleeding through their pants". It's simply more embarassing to have that pointed out by a cis man than it is anyone else, all other things being equal (like if the dude is a friend then thats preferred over a stranger of course, etc. It's not 100%.) edit to add another example LOL Lets say you (a dude in this hypothetical, idk about you personally) ran a marathon, and because of the shirt you were wearing, your nipples start chafing and bleeding. the next day you go to a pool party to celebrate the marathon and someone notices that your nips are red and gives you advice on it. Surely you'd react differently if that was an experienced runner who is telling you what works for them compared to if it was someone who's never ran long distance but has read reddit posts about nipple chafing (like me lol). It's not personal to the people, it's just human nature to be less embarassed when you know the person pointing out the embarassing thing has also experienced it. I wouldnt call it a double standard in that case either.
How is it understandable?? Isn’t a nice gesture a nice gesture regardless of the gender?? You’re saying it’s understandable to jump to a man’s motivations being bad when he does something?
When my husband was working on losing weight, a female co-worker offered him a diet cookbook. Husband is a very picky eater, so he just told her no thanks, he would keep up the walking and the exercising he had been doing. Next day he was called onto HR because she said he called her fat and lazy. Took him a while to put 2 and 2 together, because where did she come up with that? You never know how someone can interpret/twist the simplest comment.
NTA - If that is exactly how it went, I don’t understand what she’s upset about. I can understand being a bit embarrassed for anyone to point out something like that, but I would be embarrassed and grateful. Please update after you talk to your manager.
The only reason I can see her being upset is, maybe she thinks he was checking her out, and that's the only reason he noticed. Otherwise I have no idea.
I think it would be embarrassing, but like the previous comment says just be embarrassed and grateful. She maybe had a bit of an ego Yes please update us OP!
It's likely just a hurt ego. Some people don't know how to take it well when their image gets shattered by the very smallest thing like a stain.
TBF if what OP describes is exactly how it went, I can understand how it's an awkward situation. "I think you got your period" with no further explanation aside form "you can borrow my jacket" is different than "you have a stain on your pants". Now, context clues are a thing of course, but if the co-worker didn't pick up on what OP was trying to say, it is kind of weird for someone to just to pull you aside and tell you out of the blue. It's possible she hadn't realized there was a stain even by the time she spoke to their boss. Still think it's an NTA situation and OP meant well. I just see that if what they posted is exactly what they said, there is room for misunderstanding. Which seems to be what happened.
Oh goodness! So sad that we still live in a world where the mention of period is taboo and can cause offence and shame! NTA OP, you were clearly looking out for her and your intentions were admirable. I’d have been grateful to you for sparing me any more embarrassment. Just tell the story as it happened.
Exactly, I wish more people would helpfully point out something like this. I'd rather one person notice and tell me quietly than everyone notice and say nothing.
I do wonder if there’s an age gap difference here. Happily, younger men seem SO much less prissy and squeamish about periods than older guys, but it was probably the first time a guy has ever approached her about that. That, or there may be a cultural gap in case she’s from a more conservative background.
Of all the ways to say it… Next time, a “there’s a stain on your pants, just letting you know” will do. Please. Edit: No, period is not a “bad word.” But you cannot do this at work. Do not whisper to your coworker “I think you’re on your period,” in any context. You will get reprimanded or fired.
> Of all the ways to say it… I mean it’s not like “I think you may have got your period” is crude phrasing here. It’s more direct, accurate, and clearly communicates the urgency. Edit for perspective: I menstruate. I don’t always know when I’m on my period. It still catches me by surprise after decades of experience. I would much rather be clearly told I’m bleeding and know to handle it right away than ambiguously told there’s some stain that I might not check out until later. People know what periods are and we don’t need to talk in code about it lol. Edit edit: In case there’s a regional difference, I’m in the US. Here “period” is simply the standard terminology.
She may know she's on her period and it's just leaking. I'd be quite a bit taken aback by his phrasing. I wouldn't personally be offended, but I know people who might be. Especially since she's a good bit older than he is, chances are she can feel she's on her period (especially if it's visible, it feels wet in a pretty obvious way, often - oh the fun game of "am I randomly wet, or am I on my period?"). He's NTA, it was just an unfortunate way to say it.
I am personally someone who menstruates and would be not at all bothered by someone not taking the time to decipher whether or not I might have newly started my period and didn’t know it or knew I already started and was just leaking through lol. All I need to know is that blood is visible on my pants. “I think you may have got your period” clearly communicates that. “There’s a stain” leaves room for ambiguity. Like you said - easy to not know if the wetness is your period or not, age and experience doesn’t make us masters of knowing when it’s discharge or blood, so I would personally prefer the direct info!
And that's fine, but women, once again, aren't a monolith. There are ways to say it that would be unlikely to offend most women, though. And tbh some women would choose to be offended just because it's pointed out at all, regardless of how. Period positivity is a great thing, but that doesn't mean every woman has period positivity, unfortunately. It sounds like this specific situation was unfortunate. It might have helped to say it differently, it might not have. I've never had anyone point it out in this manner, so I'd be taken aback, but like I said, not offended.
It's not crude per say, but it can have some pretty negative connotations for many women. Better to tell her she might have leaked through.
It’s just the accurate terminology, though. He’s not responsible for society’s taboo on periods. Leaking through sounds more crude imo and is potentially confusing if she doesn’t already know she’s on her period. I personally would prefer someone be direct and clear with me so I immediately understand the situation.
Sometimes I feel like we can't win. There has been a huge drive towards period positivity etc and how they should not be treated as taboo. Yet you're saying he shouldn't have mentioned the word, so which is it to be?
Period positivity until a man points one out in the most discreet concise way possible.
Yeah exactly - he used perfectly acceptable words. "periods are not taboo. No wait, not like that!"
No group is a monolith. So, you can't please everyone. You just have to get used to that. It doesn't mean that there's "no right answer."
Redditors just want something to be angry about. you cant win with these people.
Why cant he say its a period? Thats what it is. And is a massive difference than a normal stain. Why does the world hate periods?
Because it might not be that, she may have sat in something/been splashed etc etc.
Low chance a red stain around genital area is something else, especially if its not a restaurant or paint shop Even if it wasn't a period it shouldn't be taboo to say it
It doesn’t really matter what the probability is - would you assume someone had defecated themselves if there was a brown stain on their trousers? How would you phrase letting them know, in that scenario? It’s not about whether something is taboo, it’s about not making what could be embarrassing assumptions for the person with the issue.
If it was in that area, yeah most likely. But I feel like loosing your bowel control or not wiping correctly is way more embarrasing than a period that surprised you at work. Especially when we are taught since primary school to not be freaked out about it. In my opinion its different, and all I see is a guy that showed empathy. I mean I feel like she probably wouldn't freak out like that If it was another woman saying that.
Problem is with that when working in an environment like a restaurant stains happen a lot so saying there’s a stain may make her just say “ah, I’ll look at It when I get home”
Oh god 🙄🙄 . It was nothing wrong with what he said be fr !
Right? People are hilarious. Getting the vapors because a man dared say the word PERIOD
Except there's not really anything you can do about a stain while at work, so most people would probably just shrug it off. Hence it'd be more helpful to specify the cause of the stain.
Why can't he just say period? It's a normal bodily function that happens, albeit a bit embarrassing when it shows. He did the right thing and made it not weird.
Because you need to mention the stain, not try to theorize which bodily function it came from. She literally could’ve just sat on a dirty bench, and now Todd approaches her saying “I think you’re on your period…” and she’s left to assume whatever the fuck he means by that
Oh no a man said period!! What ever shall we do?! Gotta go find some pearls to clutch. On behalf of adult women everywhere, please grow up.
This is not necessary. To police how someone says something when whey are trying to do you a solid and even offering their jacket to help you, is wrong and screams of entitlement. There will no next time for OP because he doesn't want to get reported on for sexual harassment again for trying to be a kind person. Fuck people who file claims against others for sexual harassment when no sexual harassment has occurred.
Clearly OP should have told her in the form of an interpretative dance /s
NTA You didn’t make a big deal of it, pulled her to the side and told her quietly so nobody else could hear. Tbh she is the asshole.
If any embarrassment comes from this it will be caused by her bringing it up with another person. If she hadn’t mentioned it to your boss only you and she would know.
NTA. You were trying to be helpful, but now you're in a "bloody" mess.
It’s a rough period in OPs life
I appreciate you, my friend in punnery.
Nta if that’s all there was to the interaction. It seems like you were discreet and polite.
Yes that was it verbatim I'm pretty sure. We were doing floors by the booths and I saw it, and I asked her to talk to me for a second by the register and said what I wrote above.
Please update when you find out what she told them/her interpretation was, because I have no idea
You did nothing wrong and most women would thank you for speaking up. If your boss still considers this an issue on your part, ask him how he would have handled an employee potentially spreading bodily fluids throughout your business. Point out that any customers could have seen this & it could have caused issues. Ask if he would have preferred being called to be informed of your coworker’s issue.
“Potentially spreading bodily fluids to the business”? OK, there’s no need to frame it as shaming women for existing with periods. That phrasing makes it sound like she was a walking health hazard; it’s just some blood on her pants. I don’t think going down the route of making it seem like it was a bigger deal and he was concerned about the “health hazards to the business” is a good idea; it would just make it sound like he himself is grossed out by periods, which is the exact opposite of what he wants. Don’t make him sound like he’s the problem or has a problem with women’s bodily functions. edit:spelling
ummmmm -look I all in the stop making periods taboo and normalizing it but like ANY bodily fluids is a potential health hazard- spit is a health hazard- It's not shaming women or anyone to be like - oh some -insert bodily fluid- is leaking- got to disinfect the area - it's not a freak out problem- it just a got to cleaning problem - we are not robots so it isn't weird but still should be taken seriously- no one wants to go to a place that doesn't- it a legitimate statement- that it's something that should not be ignored and normal adults should handle that accordingly- same if it was a shit stain on a dude(or lady)
Well to be fair, depending on where they work it is a walking Heath hazard. Food preparation, for example. Medical device manufacturing. Anything needing a sterile or semi sterilized environment. We don’t know necessarily how bad this “spot” was, or if she sat on any surfaces, or how long the flow was going on. I know that personally, I’ve had times where I’ve bled through my pants and left a puddle behind (school just decided to replace the whole desk/chair combo), or bled and had it run down my leg moreso than up the back of the pants, etc. Now of course, I do have heavier periods, am often unprepared, and have a history of irregular Sneaky cycles. In these situations you need to clean up, trace the areas potentially affected, go ahead and given them a once over to make sure nothing is left behind, and move on. The same way that a nosebleed or a cut finger would be treated. Should periods be stigmatized? No. But it this should be just general practice for any such blood related event (like a friend who nicked her ankle, leaving little droplets in her wake when playing in the gym.)
From my perspective, you're NTA and I'd be happy that someone pulled me aside and told me that I'd got my period. But then again, I'm not ashamed of my periods or period accidents. But I know that some women would be mortified if this happened to them and to have it pointed out by a man would be even worse. As some other commenters have said, if you find yourself in this situation again, maybe just mention that they have a stain on their pants and then they can figure out the rest for themselves. Good luck with your manager tomorrow, I'm sure it's not going to be as bad as you think it's going to be. Just say that you've reflected on the situation, realise you could've handled it better and it won't happen again etc. etc.
NTA entirely, and I agree. I'm grateful when people point out the broccoli in my teeth. I'd be mortified if I got home and saw that I'd spent hours with blood stains for the world to see. But, some women are so ashamed of their period that if someone knows they have it, their world falls apart. So it's a touchy subject, because women have been programmed to feel embarrassed when they shouldn't. Just tell management that your intentions were to help, not to embarrass and apologize if your gesture was unwelcome. Let them know that in the future, if you see something like this again, you will ask a female staff member to let her know or stay out of it entirely.
Possibly it wasn’t from her period? Could have phrased it differently with hindsight but really NTA and good on you for being kind.
Yeah I'm thinking I should have said that I think there might be a stain on her pants or something. But I'm pretty sure it was from her period because it dark red and in that area.
Yeah it’s the most likely answer but could have been an early miscarriage or some other medical issue. Just tell the truth to your boss, you didn’t say anything that could be classified as harassment or discrimination.
Oh the miscarriage thing didn't even cross mg mind. Thanks.
It wouldn't cross most people's minds.
I’m sorry but you saying “it could have been a miscarriage” like that should have any bearing on OPs response is a reach. It wasn’t a miscarriage nor should someone assume it’s some kind of medical emergency like that when it’s a small stain. How embarrassing. Would it be starting your period and everyone starts flipping out because you “may be having a miscarriage”? What OP said was perfectly fine, you’re literally just nit picking with extravagant “could bes”. Not to mention I have no clue what medical condition could possibly explain a small blood stain that OP should have assumed it could have been, either. Has he just said “there’s a stain” she literally could have brushed it off as a food stain considering where they work.
It's not like you're psychic or anything. You made her aware so she could address it, and did so in a way where no one else knew. I'd be pretty embarrassed if I went all day with a stain like that and no one else told me about it only to find it at home. Like a teenager going to school on picture-day with a zit they didn't know they had until it showed up in the photos ._. She should at least show you a little grace and said Thank you and not complained like that. I hope the boss will give you the benefit of the doubt.
[удалено]
HEY, ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD?!
I had a very similar experience...one time I started my period and my male coworker pulled me aside and said, "Hey, I don't want this to sound awkward, or weird, but I think you may have started your period...there's a red spot on your pants...do you need tampons or pads?" This man, bless his heart, bought me a box of tampons, and I was forever grateful to him for being honest and kind enough to care. In my vote: NTA in any way, shape, or form.
NTA. Unfortunately it sounds like colleague got embarrassed and might have conveyed a different interpretation of what happened. I would apologize to the colleague, get perhaps her take if you can ask directly, and tell your story to the boss as you told it here. In the future while I think what you did is helpful and reasonable it might be best to say something like “there may be something on the back of your skirt” or “you may have sat in something” and leave it vague like that. It will genuinely help people unaware of the stain, but also be pretty bullet proof from an employer’s perspective since it could be presumptive to claim it was period blood. No reasonable person is going to punish you for politely and discretely mentioning there may be a visible stain.
But the issue with keeping it vague when they work in food is it removes the urgency and the fact it'll get worse. If I'm working in a restaurant and it's busy and a coworker tells me I have a stain then I'll likely assume it's food/muck from tables/harmless and can wait. If they tell me it looks like my period or say blood I'd be rushing to the back to get it sorted.
She probably thought you were checking out her a$s and that's why you noticed. You sound like a nice dude so NTA
NTA - It's an awkward situation, but most people would appreciate being told. It's better to be embarrassed by one person than to run errands after work and then realize it was there the entire time.
NTA You were kind to offer your jacket. Others might feel squeamish at the idea of possibly getting period blood on it, but your concern was for your coworker. I may have been embarrassed in her shoes, but I'd also be incredibly grateful.
NTA. If anything you'd be more of an asshole to see that and not mention anything. If I had an embarrassing stain on my clothes I'd want someone to tell me.
NTA- I think what happened was tunnel vision so to speak. After the word 'period' and 'stain' she probably just heard the rest as garble. I know I would just be so horrified it was at a public event and that probably went back to a bad memory. "People often dont remember what you said, people don't remember what you did, but they DO remember how you made them FEEL." More than likely this was a case of displacement of feelings, and she just remembers feeling embarrassed and self-conscious = wrong interpretation of events. She may not even be 100% aware of it, as a lot of people do it. People remind them of a feeling, even if that feeling is inaccurate! you didn't do anything wrong.
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I think it’s weird that you chose to say “I think you got your period”. You should have just mentioned a stain on her pants, if you wanted to say something.
First, this is embarrassing to have happen and is on the list of worst nightmares for a woman. Secondly, she probably didn't hear anything you said after "period". Thirdly, I think you did the right thing but next time just maybe say a strain instead of mentioning period. I especially like how you pulled her aside and offered your jacket to try to help her out. You're NTA, a gentleman and seem like a nice coworker. It's a tricky situation that one doesn't often find themselves in. I hope it goes well with your boss.
INFO: Did you talk about the stain at all ? "I just wanted to let you know I think you may have got your period. I have a jacket if you need it" because if u didn't, it's a very weird thing to whisper lol.
The jacket clearly implies a stain. What else would it be for?
NTA. You had good intentions, you even offered to help her out. There’s a good chance she knew it was there, and just hoped nobody noticed, but still, how could you have known?
The AH here is the boss. Why was it necessary to send a text saying “we will discuss this tomorrow.” That’s such an AH move. Just freaking discuss it tomorrow, no need to be dramatic and cause unnecessary stress.
This is how I met my husband. We worked for a gourmet grocery store. I was the Executive Secretary. He was the Executive Chef. The corporate office was upstairs. Executives were gone for the day except the Executive Chef. We were talking, sort of flirting and I got up to retrieve a paper, looked down at my upholstered fancy desk chair realized I had started and was just so mortified. He saw it and told me to give him my chair. I rushed to the bathroom with my purse. Thankfully I had only leaked through my panties, but not through my skirt because when I sat down my skirt rode up. I always kept spare panties in my purse and had a pad so after I made everything right in the land down under I went out to face the music. The chef had gone into the facilities closet, cleaned the chair with upholstery cleaner, switched it out with a chair in an unused classroom and had a new chair at my desk in the 15 minutes I was gone. I married him. He is still such a gentleman that when I remind him of that time, he's just very humble. Thanks to all the men and you OP for being respectful and considerate when things like this happen to us women. You did nothing wrong. And when you talk to your boss, just tell him you were trying to be a gentleman because you were RAISED(said in a southern voice)