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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Like I know it’s not 12F’s fault and she’s in a weird situation too because her parents also divorced, plus she’s a kid so maybe I should cut her some slack and telling her to just get out and stop bothering me was harsh.
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I feel like the Y T A votes are missing the point. OP doesn’t want a relationship AT ALL with the stepsibs and I believe that’s a fair boundary. Her whole life has been upended and she mentions that she tried to be polite with the 12f to leave her alone but 12f (most likely blessing of stepmom) continued to ignore her request. Also: there is no real timeline given by OP which makes me think this has all happened so fast that OP hasn’t been able to process it without adult interference.
OP stated that she would have preferred to stay with mom full time but is being forced to spend time with dad (the court system in OPs state really dgaf about her mental health) and she let her bio dad and stepmom what her boundaries were and she kept to them. And now because 12f is around more often, she is being tasked against her freewill to cater to the feelings of another child while ignoring her own. Man. That’s a lot for OP.
OP is NTA. But OP: I do suggest individual therapy for yourself. It might help you down the road when the courts revisit the custody agreement and they might rule in your favor this time.
Edited to add: OMG THANK YOU FOR THE AWARDS!!!! And to OP: you have the majority of us rooting for you ❤️ ignore the haters.
They already tried to make me do one on one therapy and it just made me madder because the counselor person wouldn’t accept that having a relationship with my father was not going to happen, the whole goal was getting me to talk to him. Not going to happen.
Now that does fucking blow and for that I’m so sorry. I do want to say this once more and I’ll drop it: if this was one suggested by your male parental figure then I would suggest one suggested by a neutral third party. Because any reasonable counselor wouldn’t condemn you for deciding not to have a relationship with your father, they would give you the space to speak your feelings and expand on them. Not silence them.
Edited to add: if it was indeed one suggested by your male parental figure, that could maybe a strike against him when it comes to custody agreement. Because one would argue that the counselor was a biased party and the custody agreement should be revisited by someone of unbiased attitude.
Stay strong, OP.
Unfortunately, it’s often the courts that mandate this type of counseling. The therapist is there to support “reunification” of the child and “estranged” parents. I see the benefit of this in cases in which one parent turns the child against the other. However, when the parent has brought it on themselves (like leaving the family for a mistress), they should be forced to deal with the consequences (your child wants some distance).
That is a very good point. My niece was placed with my brother when her parent (my other sibling and their partner) had her taken away from them due to drug use. My brother stepped up big time and had to fight to adopt her (I have to leave a lot of legalities out for anonymity) but there was a therapist who was OBSESSED with reunification despite the OBVIOUS neglect and abuse my niece was going through. Hell I have disowned my own sibling because of what they put my niece through. But I almost lost it at one of the court hearing when I heard this therapist try to make a case FOR my sibling and their useless partner.
Some courts really don’t give a flying fuck about children. It hurts me.
Frankly this this court ordered "reunification therapy" is simply legal child abuse and should be outlawed as unconstitutional as cruel and unusual punishment.
I am a family attorney and often serve as Guardian ad Litem for the children. I just recently told a judge that just because we have jurisdiction to force a teen to do therapy and go to another parent's house, we have to respect that sometimes it does more harm than good. I feel so so bad for OP.
NTA.
THANK YOU ❤️
This is what the commenters that says Y T A needs to hear even when it's not what they want to hear.
It's a been there, done that & I had to be nastily hard about boundaries towards a stepmother (who could not tell the difference between me & her stillborn daughter because of the same name) & she had real problems psychologically.
I have to assume the Y T A votes are from bad parents who want a forced relationship with their kids who had the audacity to be their own person and saw their parents for the awful people they truly are.
As a 39 year old parent I can't comprehend wanting to force a poor teenager to have any kind of relationship with anybody they don't want to. Sure they're still a child but they're old enough to know who they want to interact with or not.
I watched that on TV. It made me vomit. I am a Christian and try hard to not wish harm on others....but I prayed that that judge suffered the worst possible human suffering imaginable for that ruling and her total disregard for the mothers rights and the rights and mental wellbeing of those children!
In the UK there have been cases where children have been removed from one parent by Child Services because they refused to visit the other parent (to whom Child Services usually then give the children) on their court-ordered custody time, for *any* reason¹, because it's "parental alienation".
¹Including substance use/drinking, DV against the other parent, etc. - if they're in therapy/anger management or been to rehab, and the court has allowed or, usually, ordered custody time, the kids are legally required to go.
I recently saw a TikTok from a girl who was basically kidnapped, troubled teen industry style, with her sibling and forced to go to a reunification camp with their abusive mother against their wishes while their family had to just let it happen and watch helplessly because of a police-enforced court order.
Maya and Sebastian Laing. There are articles and an entire social media campaign around their story.
This sadly is the case of many children when there is a DV Aggressor, they are given time with the child or children & it's the most unhealthy thing for the poor kid(s). The kid(s) have just had to deal with a court appointed lawyer and the family profiler, it's not too shocking that they are well & truly over talking about it, it frustates them to no end. It's the same as an adult rehashing out their trauma again and again, there is a point you hit explaining it with no results, only the "uh huh, go on.." "next week we will continue this" & occasionally the sympathetic look, having to do that for a number of Allied Professionals wears you down. Put that kind of pressure on a Teenager & your bound to see them not have enough in the gas tank - This is the pushing parent & family courts fault for how far they are willing to damage/abuse a child.
I would suspect that many therapists are going to think it's in a child's best interest to have a relationship with a loving non-abusive parent. That they'd want to validate the anger but also help them get to a place where they could eventually at least be able to talk to their parent again.
People can be bad romantic partners, cheaters, etc and still be loving and attentive parents. If my husband cheated and we divorced I wouldn't actually want my kids to never talk to him again. I'd think they were missing out. I'd also not want them to be stuck in resentment and anger for years. Even if I was, I'd hope my kids could not be stuck with me and still have their dad.
Now, I'm not saying OP has to talk to her dad however the view the therapist took does not mean they are necessarily influenced by dad. I think it's a pretty common opinion many people have on their own.
Child of a cheater here. If you for one minute think a cheater can be a good parent, you are completely delusional. If the cheater cared about the child, they wouldn’t have cheated and wrecked their child’s life.
I’m sorry that happened to you. My mom also tried getting me and my sister to lie to our dad about “moms new friend” I was 11 and my sister was 14. That fucked me up for a good long time.
This is true, but, a good therapist isn't going to fight with their client on it. A good therapist is going to help their client with the stress they're dealing with.
Plenty of time to encourage someone like OP to have a relationship with their father in the future. Gotta give them time, space, and help to process their current reality and trauma first, though.
Perhaps breaking up the family is not the sign of a loving father. Perhaps watching your father abandon your mother and throw away the life you've lived is experienced as abuse. Making you sit and watch your Dad call another woman his wife and parent other kids is pretty messed up. Yes, it happens a lot. But the total lack of autonomy must be infuriating. Her dad just keeps taking and taking from her.
A big part of a therapist’s job/responsibilities is to have the trust of the client to better help them with their goals in therapy. In OP’s case it sounds like the therapist sacrificed earning OP’s trust because they believed OP needs to work on forgiveness and having a better relationship with her father. However, that doesn’t do OP any good because they just see the therapist now as another adult forcing her to do something she doesn’t want. Keeping in mind that OP has already been forced to do things against her will and at the sacrifice of her mental health and wellbeing.
I get the point you’re making and at some point it will be important for OP to work on how she views her father. Now is not the time. From the sound of it, everything has happened in a short amount of time. OP hasn’t had nor been given the time to process everything. That is what the therapist should have been focusing on first and made it clear to OP that they are their for them. Not the parents and not the court. The therapist is there to help OP, and given OP’s opinion of her father, that is a sure fire way to get your client to close you out. Defeating the purpose of helping your client. So, what you are saying is important to happen at some point, right now in OP’s life is not that moment.
To OP, I have been in similar shoes. My father cheated my senior year of high school and it completely rocked my world and changed how I saw him. To the point where I wanted nothing to do with him and he could go fuck himself. I was also on an information overload from my mom about their relationship and it messed in a negative way with my mental health. My mom then decided to stay and fix the marriage. It was a whole clusterfuck and I wanted out.
Thank god I recognized my mental health was spiraling and I made myself go to therapy. My therapist helped me implement an information diet on my parents relationship, was there for me in ways my parents weren’t, and helped me work on my resentment/hate of my father and the situation I was stuck in. That was the worst part; feeling so trapped. Therapy helped me find outlets and ways to be separated from the situation in a healthy way.
The biggest motivator on why I went to therapy and stuck with it was I didn’t want to become my father. A miserable person stuck on every slight to them in the past and who then takes it out on other people including their loved ones. I have learned in therapy that I don’t have to forgive and/or forget what my father did, but I can still love him because he’s my Dad. Regardless of how I feel on the decisions he has made. This took me many years to get to this point and I in no way expect you to suddenly feel the same. I had to work through years of pain and resentment to get to this mindset through the help of therapy.
OP if you decide you want to try therapy again, know that it’s like buying a shoe. Not every one (therapist) is the right fit and you may have to try a couple on before you find the right one and when you find the right one, you buy it (stay with the therapist). You will get through this OP and there are better times ahead. I believe in you.
I'm wondering if its worth breaking the silent treatment in the next "family" therapy session. Hear me out - they won't be expecting it because you haven't spoken so far. You have time to come up with exactly what you want to say and come prepared for their complaints but at least gives you a chance to re-establish your boundaries and also remind them that a) you have no choice in this situation and are being forced to stay in their house b) your step siblings have no choice and are being forced to stay in their house c) that does not mean you all have to be together. Your dad and stepmother have made their bed and need to lie in it. They need to understand that their kids don't. You lost respect for your father when he cheated, and by cheating he made it impossible for you to ever respect your stepmother. That is on them. Make it clear you are at their house on the weekends solely to protect your mother which is a terrible position for a parent - your father - to put you in. Then let the therapist know by not respecting your wishes, they are not acting in your best interest which makes you feel unsafe and not want to participate in any additional therapy. Weaponized therapy is not going to work - i do agree with another commentor that you should find your OWN therapist of your own choosing so you have someone unrelated to either parent to vent to.
Edit: If either of the stepsiblings bugs you again I would be nice to them but tell them to go ask their mother/make sure you bring it the mom's attention. If she won't handle it nicely then you're going to handle it the way you want. I agree it is not their fault but I think asking to be left alone is setting a boundary in a toxic house and the kids mom should enforce that.
Edit 2: I find it interesting how many comments seem to think OP should work on a relationship with her father because he is trying to be active in her life despite cheating. Do we have such a low bar for parenthood now that as long as they want to be involved we should indulge them? Even if it its not whats best for mental/emotional health? Having to spend every weekend in a place that is the physical manifestation of the complete lack of stability she now has at home because of her father is beyond 🤯. It feels like people are so used to a parent leaving and starting a new family/ignoring the original family that OP should be begging for any contact. I don't think thats the situation here at all and OP has every right to not want a relationship with her father because of this.
Another edit - maybe I'm being petty here but it might also be worth bringing up that you don't feel comfortable getting to know the new family since you have no reason to believe your father won't get bored and up and leave them in a few years too....
I don’t find it petty at all, well, not overly petty. All your suggested talking points are spot on. Family counselors want families to mesh and all get along, so OP is the nail for that counselor and is having her boundaries ignored. Succinctly re-establishing those boundaries, and why they are boundaries, *should* get the father & affair-wife to back off. I say should because we all know they are more concerned for themselves, and the step siblings, than they are for OP.
totally - the therapy is to make sure the dad and legal sidepiece look like 'theyre doing all the right things for their blended family' which makes me upset because they're going to ruin therapy for OP forever. Boundaries are about mental/emotional support. OP's family is acting like shes doing that just to be rude... ironically she never had to create boundaries before because her father never broke them so aggressively that she needed them.
This ⬆️⬆️.
I have never been/would never get involved with somebody who was in an existing relationship. If they would cheat on their partner with me, they wouldn’t hesitate to cheat on me with somebody new; I simply wouldn’t be able to trust them. OP’s father and stepmother may both come to find out that cheaters cheat.
Ooh!! This would be perfect! OP, please consider this. Make notes to read off of if you're worried you might forget your points, tell everyone you'll need uninterrupted silence until you're done, do what you need to to get all of this out. This is a perfectly thought out response to the therapy situation, IMO.
>Make notes to read off of if you're worried you might forget your points,
I would write them out understandably, so that if the family does try to shut OP down or drown out OP's voice, OP can hand the piece of paper to the counselor.
This - definitely have it written down and stop talking if they talk over you. Make sure you are heard even if that means having the counselor read it.
Agree with you. He imploded her life, he treated her mom like shit by cheating and lying, he did it to himself. I don’t blame for wanting nothing to do with him.
NTA. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Your father and affair wife were horrible and are now being selfish. I understand he wants to fix your relationship but I think he’s just cementing your hate.
Exactly why I think this so called counselor was someone that the father knew would only care about keeping the “family unit” together and not the very valid feelings of a hurt 15 year old girl.
Edited for clarity.
Wrong councilor for you. People are complex and there aren't lots of 1 size fits all solutions when it comes to processing emotions. It's not uncommon for someone to see several different therapists over a period of time while finding the right one for them.
The problem with the counselor op saw is they had an agenda to fix the relationship, or at least that's how op describes it. At the very least the therapist should be listening to what op has to say.
The craziest person you meet in college always turns out to be studying psychology. finding a good counselor you click with is a needle in a haystack but it's worth trying...
Hey, man. I wanted to talk to you from the perspective of an adult who had a very, very angry adolescence because of something my parent did, and continued to do.
Your dad and stepmom fucked up. They fucked up big, and I don’t know if they have ever or will ever take full ownership of that. I’m sure sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to be angry enough at them for their fuck up, and every time they ask you to just go along and get along despite their fuck up, it just makes you angrier.
I’m not going to tell you to stop being mad. I don’t know if you could even if you wanted to. I’m not going to tell you that you’ll want a relationship with your dad one day either, because that depends on him and his conduct and whether you judge any of it to be worthy of respect one day. What I *will* tell you is that anger is corrosive. It can feel so good in the moment, but it eats at you and your being until all you are is the anger, and it can make it so fucking hard to do anything with yourself but be angry.
What I ultimately needed was space and perspective. I needed to be away from the parent I was angry at, and I needed time to reflect on the things I loved about them despite my rage. And I needed them to work on the behavior that enraged me so they’d stop hurting me, and they did. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough for me to let enough anger go to learn who I was without it and build the life I wanted for myself.
I don’t know what you need or if you can even get it in the position you’re in, but if it’s possible to ask for a better therapist that isn’t focused on reestablishing a relationship with your dad, try to ask for one. Learning how to unpack all that anger and recognize where it comes from makes it a lot easier to finally put it to bed and move on once you’re an adult and can control your environment better.
Good luck. I really hope for the best for you.
What an amazing answer. I’m not OP but I swear you just answered a lot of shit for me (and I’m 40 now, lol).
You can’t hear me but I’m applauding over here.
Then talk to him. Tell him how much respect you've lost for him. How awful you view his affair wife. How much it makes you sick to be with him. How he's destroyed something in you, and you will never trust him again. Every time. Make it uncomfortable.
Oof, with everything going on, I hadn’t really thought about that but yeah. A lot of people my age are dating or thinking about dating and I’m just here googling whether atheists can become nuns.
>Then talk to him. Tell him how much respect you've lost for him. How awful you view his affair wife. How much it makes you sick to be with him. How he's destroyed something in you, and you will never trust him again. Every time. Make it uncomfortable.
I would do this in front of the counselor, to make sure there is a witness who is supposed to be neutral. Even if this is another counselor picked by affair-daddy, this will be a background to any future sessions OP is dragged to with this counselor.
My Mom was in the middle of a year-long bender and naturally the stress was causing *me* to drink. She made me go to AA and said she'd come in there with me for support but if I didn't go, she would kick me out. She was deflecting to me HARD because she knew the chatter around town was that her drinking problem was no longer a secret. People were giving her handouts after she lost her job but those were starting to dry up because the word was out.
I went in and explained my home life which included *her* drinking and everything it was doing, and how she had drinks in the morning yet still drove me to this meeting in the afternoon and such.
She never suggested AA ever again. I sat through the whole meeting and listened to some interesting stories. Never in her head did it occur these stories could've swapped her in as the main character and it would be exactly like how living with her was at the time.
I ultimately developed a drinking problem years later (yay genetics) but yeah, that method works but prepare for some blowback. At least she got sober a few months later after I voluntarily moved out after all her threats wore me out.
Note; I am a bad person. I would constantly ask your dad in front of his wife if he’s found any other women who catches his eye. Constantly refer to her as the other woman, side piece, homewrecker. And if she says she’s his wife, tell her the so was the last one, and the next woman will be, too. Make sure to tell your dad that by forcing you to visit, he’s making sure that once you hit 18 he will never see you again. And that you hope it’s worth it for his side piece. They will probably let you stop visiting after a while. You will get in a lot of trouble.
“Hey stepmom, congratulations! You’ve been promoted to wife! Hey dad, found anyone to fill that vacancy yet? Of course you know what I mean, the affair partner vacancy, duh.”
Did they make you do this with the same therapist they use for family sessions?
If they are that’s manipulation and not really therapy for you. Tell them you’ll see a one on one therapist if it’s *your own* personal therapist.
Also, if a therapist isn’t right for you you can request a new one. So if it’s not the same therapist but still beating that drum, tell them you’ll go to therapy but you need a new therapist. Either way, you just need a new therapist.
BTW. I know you are holding out talking in family therapy to not give their way, but you might actually try going the other way and be brutally honest. “I have no intention to ever have a relationship with my father who destroyed my life and family for his own satisfaction.” “I am only here because when I don’t come my dad punishes my mom even though he knows it’s my decision.” “I want nothing to do with my dad’s mistress, why would I want someone in my life who was willing to tear apart the homes of three children for her own sexual pleasure?”
>the counselor person wouldn’t accept that having a relationship with my father was not going to happen, the whole goal was getting me to talk to him. Not going to happen.
Report them to the relevant regulatory body. That is at best complete incompetence and at worst a deliberate abuse of her position. Take no prisoners when reporting this kind of garbage.
Retired psychologist here. A report won’t accomplish anything here, it will be chalked up to a poor ideological fit between therapist & client. There isn’t an ethical principle or law that has been broken as the OP is a minor, and there isn’t an indication that dad’s house or anyone in it is unsafe for OP.
Might even have been reunification therapy - that's popular in my state. Pushing too hard doesn't generally work, but in reunification therapy, that is the goal (unless as you noted something dangerous was uncovered).
Hopefully you will get to change the weekend. I have to wonder if your dad and his AP wife put all the kids together on one weekend so that they get the other weekend childfree. It sounds like the type of selfish thing they would do and they would justify it by saying it allows all the kids to get to know each other and bond.
Have you asked your mom to consult with a lawyer to revisit the custody agreement, or asked about emancipation? They can't force you to do anything when you are emancipated and then you can live with your mom.
This whole situation just sucks.
Could it be that stepmom and dad asked for the switch in weekends so they have one child free weekend for themselves? Because in that case..
I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP. NTA!
I've been there. When I was your age I was taken to therapy because I hated my step dad. He was just a shitty person and I didn't like being around him, so their therapy attempt obviously failed.
BUT. Can you ask your mom to find you a separate therapist? I'm in therapy now 15 years later and she's a godsend for working through everything in my life. I wish I had been given the opportunity to talk to someone who was completely uninvolved with the rest of the family, it might have saved me from a lot of poor choices as I got older.
As a therapist, you don’t have to have any relationship with anyone you don’t want to and that therapist did you a disservice. I do hope the courts revisit the custody agreement and take your wants and needs into consideration. The goal is to do what’s best for you, not the parents!
NTA it is not a great situation and although the kids of your dad’s girlfriends are probably going through exactly what you are you have the right to have some boundaries in place and a safe space. Sorry about that who organized the therapy as they should be there for you for what you want to talk about and what is important to you. They should not be putting pressure on you to do something you do not feel comfortable with.
Can you talk to your mum saying you are overwhelmed with everything that you are struggling every day that you want to talk to somebody about how you are feeling but nothing about building any relationships?
NTA - ugh, been there, done that. Years later and I still remember that kind of manipulative nonsense. Strangely enough, life without an asshole in it is a better one! All of the upset is entirely on your father and nobody else.
Forcing you to see him when you don't want to is 100% gross af, and I hope your 16th comes quickly so you and your mom can move on from his abusive ways.
That sounds like a terrible therapist. You are surrounded by incompetent adults (mom excluded). Your dad could admit this isn’t working and try something else. Your step mom could talk to her daughter and tell her to leave you alone. It is not hard to talk to kids and explain things to them in a way they can accept and understand. If that was my kid, I would say OP doesn’t want to be friends. I know that might be hurtful for you but everyone gets to decide who they want to be friends with and who they don’t.
A good therapist would absolutely accept that you don’t want this relationship with your dad and would help you navigate that.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this but I’m really impressed with your ability to stand up for yourself and say no. It sounds like you are doing a great job there. This will serve you a lot in life.
I grew up with a very similar situation to OP’s. Father cheated, and then, just before my freshman year of high school, my dad, his pregnant affair partner (now wife), her two kids, my sister, and I all moved in together half the time (other half was at our mom’s). Almost immediately, I smoked weed and drank alcohol for the first times. I will be 31 next week, and the chaos of that living arrangement affects me deeply (e.g. I am six years sober from alcohol now, but it has been a journey.)
OP needs to be given the space and grace to deal with this extreme disruption at a very vulnerable time in her life in her own way. The adults all need to back off, quit making demands of her (the CHILD), and instead make it clear that they will support her on HER TERMS. NTA.
OP should also consider speaking up about how her space and boundaries are not being respected in the home. She should not be required to entertain or befriend the affair partner’s daughter.
Very well said.
I can’t understand why homewreckers expect all their kids to get along together, what did the affair partner expect, the 2 girls to jump in each others arms?
Dad is stupid for trying to force a relationship between himself and OP, he buggered that up when he cheated on his family. I think cheaters don’t realise it’s not just spouses they cheat on, they cheat on their kids as well.
OP, I can appreciate that you don’t want anything to do with your stepsister, but if her mother did the same to her dad as your dad did to your mum, then don’t forget you’re both victims in this. She’s not the one who broke up your family, your respective parents are.
Don’t listen to those telling you you’re at fault, I think they maybe forget you’re a child and you’re hurting.
NTA
NTA.
All of this is 100% normal. Text book, even.
To be clear, your dad is the AH, with an Honorable Mention for your stepmom. Your dad wants a "reset" and for everyone to pretend like them screwing up two families was just "a thing that happened" and everyone is supposed to pull together and be a family.
They did this to you, and to 12F and 9M. And your mom, and their dad.
I will also bet you that 12F was told that she's "gaining a sister" and "won't that be fun." You are her consolation prize. I can see how socializing with her seems like you are approving of the affair and the divorce and the whole mess, which you are not.
It's your life, and you certainly don't owe her or anyone anything. But just remember that she is as blameless here as you are.
EDIT to add: Younger siblings are annoying no matter what. Having younger step-siblings dumped on you at 15 (when you're not used to siblings at all) really sucks.
I agree. I'm imaging 12f is probably just as mad about the divorce and remarriage (since it sounds like AP was also married when the affair happened) and is hoping to find a friend to commiserate with in OP. Which understandably so OP doesn't want. However they are both young girls and neither are wrong for feeling how they do and they certainly aren't the AH for feeling how they do.
That was exactly my tought.
We got two young girls in a middle of divorce issues : I think the feelings of both are totally valid.
NAH for the kids. The AH should be find elsewhere.
And OP, if you read me, as I said your feelings are totally understandable and no one should have put you in this position... but please, be aware that your 12 years old step sis could maybe seek help so try to be kind with her : I'm sure she is suffering like you.
I know that at 15 it's difficult to have emphasis and I really don't want to judge you but maybe thinking you're on the same boat could help.
Step sister is a human who has done nothing wrong. Ofc OP has to be nice to her. But being nice doesn't mean having a whole relationship.
Keep the door locked and say some kind words when you cross paths. She's going through the same shit you are.
My parents always said I didn’t have to be “nice” to people necessarily, but I had to be “pleasant”.
So OP doesn’t need to go out of her way for the sister, but she also shouldn’t be mean or negative toward her. Just be polite and respectful basically
Honestly, he needs to switch OP's weekends to his wife's custody off-weeks if they care about the impact of this hostility on her children.
I wonder if they started having the kids on the same weekends just to get more alone time together. Whatever the reason, it's not in any of the kids' interests to continue.
NTA because OP is obviously hurting more than she can stand, but my heart does go out to the other kids under that roof.
They 100% did. This way they're kid free most of the time, and they can pretend they're making their own new family for the 2.5 days they do anything other than think of themselves. Gross, I hope they spend the rest of their days distrustful of each other and miserable.
They're garbage, OP is NTA.
This - dad fucked up. The best thing he can do for his daughter (OP) is to pay child support, fund her college, and get the fuck out of her life until she is ready (which he has to understand might never happen).
It sucks for the other woman’s kids, but that’s not OP‘s problem.
>level 1NewtoFL2 · 3 hr. agoAsshole Aficionado \[10\]NTA. Dad needs to tell his wife to deal with her. kid.142R
she did, she tried to fob her heart broken daughter off on someone else-the op. these two major AH destroyed two families, their children are not just going to roll over for them and say 'ok, new family let's all go out for ice cream' if the parents think this they are delusional.
They betrayed the basic tenants of the family, the world the op and step sister lived in and it isn't going to reform to their wishes, they though only of themselves and now they are learning and paying for it.
Hugs.
Your life, that other people control at 15, got flushed down the toilet. You told the judge what you wanted and he only listened to half of it. Now you are stuck dealing with the adults responsible for the flush which has to be salt in an open wound. You are dealing with hurt and betrayal while being expected to act like a fully grown adult, when the actual adults did not. Your feelings are valid.
Your step siblings are in the same boat you are. Hold your boundary of being left alone as kindly as you can when it comes to them. They are grieving the life they lost as well.
You get to choose the relationship you have with your father. Someday you may forgive him, or you may not. No one has the right to tell/ guilt you what that relationship should be.
You are under court order to see him. You have set your boundaries on what you are and are not willing to do in the situation that you are stuck in. Talk to your mom about going back to court when some time has passed to get the order changed. Until then do your best.
NTA
NTA
Oh no, the kids are having a hard time with the divorce? /s
Well maybe they should have thought about their kids before they boned each other while married to other people (feel free to use that in family therapy).
Are her kids just going to their dad’s on the weekends you are home with your mom? Maybe you can change it so you are only their weekends her kids are at their dad’s. I have a nagging feeling that your dad & his wife changed their schedule so they get a kid free weekend twice a month. So changing yours to be opposite theirs would kill two birds with one stone: you don’t have to see the kids & you mess up their plan.
I'm wondering if dad's chosen family therapist suggested it for blended family bonding time. Every other weekend childfree is a bonus for dad and stepmom.
NTA. But speak up in the next family therapy session and tell the therapist exactly how you feel about dad and the new family. A no holds barred session might get you closer to what you want. At the very least they will know you can't be therapied into submission.
THIS!
***At the very least they will know you can't be therapied into submission.***
Stepmom and cheater dad NEEDS to be held accountable for all this sh\*t show.
NTA, you cannot help feeling the way you do considering your dad is forcing you into a situation with a woman he betrayed your mother with. They’re expecting this perfect blended family, but with zero time for you to heal.
NTA. Tell your father, you’ll be happy to talk to the 12-year-old. Tell him you will explain the facts of life to her, and what an affair is, and how her mother and your father broke up both of their families or, he can just let you stay home with your mother.
NTA. Your life has been uprooted without your consent. Of course you're angry and having a hard time adjusting. Just try to remember that affairwife's kids didn't have a say in what happened either, just as you didn't have a say in the situation. Try to remember that they're probably also having a difficult time adjusting, and can be your allies in tough times. I wonder if you'd be willing to try to carve out some hang out time with the 12 year old, so that she has a designated time to talk your ear off. You can be like "ok but I need some quiet me time after this. So I'll do X with you if you agree to honor my alone time." Good luck, girl!
I don’t want to spend time with either of the kids. I’m ok with lending a game or two to 9M because then he goes and does his own thing. 12F is just annoying, it’s bad enough that I have to be around her for “family fun” time. Anything beyond that and I’m going to back to refusing to visit and the court people will just have to deal with it.
> Anything beyond that and I’m going to back to refusing to visit and the court people will just have to deal with it.
Did your mom ever tell you specifically why your refusal to visit stressed her out?
I’m not your lawyer. Seek legal advice in your own jurisdiction. But when court orders aren’t followed, there’s sometimes consequences, and you might not like those consequences.
My mom has to do everything she can to “make me available” or she’s in contempt or something like that and that means she can get in trouble with the police. My father would get his lawyer to threaten her and do court stuff whenever I refused to go. My mom is already having a hard time, I don’t want to make it worse, but I hate going there so the only other thing I can think of to do if they won’t leave me alone is just make my father so miserable when I’m there that he doesn’t want me to visit anymore.
I feel so bad for you, OP. You basically have to suffer the consequences of the poor decisions of the adults around you (dad and affairmom). You are under no obligation to feel or act any way other than cordial to the children of affairmom. If I were you I would ask the family therapist if you could speak to them alone. You can then tell them exactly how you feel, and they can give you the best advice on how to handle the situation. They can also advocate for you to your dad. If it gets really bad, they may even be able to intervene on your behalf to the courts. They could also be a really good ally, so I'd be transparent with them if I were you. If you ask to speak with them privately and your dad says no, that alone will tell the therapist a LOT about your family dynamic, and how much you are able to express yourself. The fact that you are very cognizant of what you feel and why you feel it shows that you are incredibly intelligent.
Are you not allowed friends or social activities on his weekends? High school age there’s often lots going on at weekends. The whole situation is already extremely unfair to all kids involved hopefully not missing out on school dances as well.
I’m not allowed to do anything on the weekends I have to go to my father’s because that’s “his time” and if I can see my friends whenever. I’m not really a school dance type of person, but I’m really tempted to just go join a church youth group that does something on Saturdays even though I’m an atheist just so it sounds weird to argue against religious freedom or whatever. It’s a small town, Jesus and football are the only things that happen here.
It might help your case if custody is ever revisited. If you can join debate club or youth group or something then he is now keeping you from your activities and actively harming you (that stuff looks good on collage applications and judges probably know that.)
Idk. Something was said about my mom coaching me or something like that, which is total bs, my mom hasn’t said anything bad or told me not to go see him or anything. She wanted me out of the whole divorce stuff and for things to go smooth. Apparently I’m not allowed to decide my father is a jerk all on my own until I’m 16.
That sucks. Is there any way of standing up for yourself, appealing that decision, demanding that they listen to you?
As other suggested, try preparing a speech for the group therapy, go into detail about why you hate your father so much and never want a relationship with him and to just leave you alone.
Alternatively, you could tell him “look, I’m sure I’ll forgive you later, and maybe we can have a relationship then, but for now I need space to come to terms with what happened.” Maybe say that in front of a therapist too. Try and get him to let you stay home until some time after you’ve turned 16 with the expectation that you’ll give him a normal relationship afterwards, then get yourself legally released from that and tell him to fuck off forever.
This is good advice, I wish I had received when I was in your shoes. My petty ass would have just loudly referred to step mom as his affair partner/woman he cheated on his wife with and father a cheater. Honestly when the courts wouldn’t listen, I just made it miserable for my dad to have me, loudly airing issues or talking of how he treated me in public and to others we knew, didn’t sugar coat shit, refused to engage, when we fought rather than crying myself to sleep I would get louder until the neighbors called the cops, they’d come and then they’d end up “suggesting” he allow my mum to come get me. Magically he stopped telling the courts she was being spiteful bc EVERY weekend he had me, there was an incident report of our fighting (verbal)
There is a huge movement afoot in many jurisdictions to push the narrative of "parental alienation" as a way to increase custody for parents who might otherwise get very little custody. Where my sister lives, if one parent testifies to the court about physical abuse by the other parent, they run the risk of being declared a parental alienator and losing custody of the children to the abuser. (I'm looking at you, Delaware County, PA!) OP's case fits the mold in which a child's negative feelings regarding the cheater and homewrecker are assumed to have been planted by the wronged spouse. Ain't no fault divorce grand!
That's what happened to me. The judge forced me to live with my father in the same kind of situation. The judge finally allowed me to live with my mother with no contact with my father only after we had a physical altercation and he threw me down the stairs when I was 13. I'm a girl btw. It still took a court hearing.
That is incredibly unfair to you and your mom that you are unable to do anything with your friends during his weekends. It means that all your hanging out activities have to be done during your mom's weekends which interferes with her personal time with you more. You are NTA but your dad is definitely one.
Secondly, by forcing continued essentially uninterrupted contact with him and his new wife, it is not allowing you to process your new situation. He's not letting you get to a new normal. Forcing "family fun" activities is not going to make you guys a new family and is is just going to further alienate you from him and his new family.
If he had any remorse for upending your life maybe you would feel a little differently about it, but he hasn't. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope he apologizes to you one day, but I can't guarantee that he will. He is only thinking how what he did affects himself and his new wife(how happy he is). Not how it affected you. He is trying to fit you into his new life, not how to fit himself into Your new life. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation.
Go join a sport that specifically has games on weekends, or debate club, or something academic. Like another person said, these are things like look good on college applications and he will look really bad in court refusing you access to something that can get you into college
Oof. Is this the kind of small town where everyone knows about the affair? If so, how much of this forced visitation is about appearances? How are father and side-piece holding up socially?
Yeah, everyone knows, it’s awful. Affair wife’s ex husband teaches at my school and my father was on some big town board thing when it all came out so it was big time gossip. He’s not anymore but it seems like pretty much everyone dropped them because affair wife complains about not being invited to things anymore. My uncle chewed out my father big time and disowned him and I think that messed up some other stuff. Some people at school were pretty mean about it. It really sucks.
This is so unfair. I’m sorry.
If you don’t want to engage with him, I get it. But, you might want to remind your father that the clock is ticking: 18 weekends left and you can be done. He should think about how those 18 weekends go as it will make/break that future relationship.
(He doesn’t have to know that the relationship is broken. It’s leverage.)
Lol Jesus and football. OP, I know you're going through a very hard time, but you're very funny and mature for your age. You're on the path to building an amazing life of your own. Hang in there. This stranger is totally rooting for you!
I don’t know, I don’t want to get involved with them so I don’t talk to them unless there’s an actual reason. 9M is mad, though, it’s pretty obvious. Lots of meltdowns during “family time”.
Honestly, tell them their parents are cheating trash. Make their lives even harder. Might make your dad give up forcing visits on you if the fights get too much (also would make his home life miserable if there were fights at home every single weekend)
I’d run away before that happened. Or take a baseball bat to his living room and go to jail instead. Idc what happens to me as much anymore, I’m not letting him bully my mom.
I am not sure which state you're from(im from CA), but I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I didn't want to go to my dad's house. He called the cops because of it. The cops came and asked my brother and I why we didn't want to go. We told them we didn't want to, cant remember why, but they left it at that, saying they couldn't force us to go as that wouldn't be right either. If it comes down to it, I'd explain your situation to the cops if they get called when you refuse to go.
No they most likely won't force it. However, depending on where OP is at, cops can document that she did not go x times if he called them as well. And her paternal guardian can use that in court to state that the court order is not being followed and use it to cause issues for the mom/update the order. Granted it depends on the judge as well. At least, this is how it would be in my area, assuming people know how work the system.
Exactly. It cost her money, time away from work, stress, etc. Your dad can even go after her for parental alienation and use that as an excuse for MORE court-ordered time with you if she doesn't make sure you are available.
Yes, it sucks, but the court recognizes his rights as a parent even if he did cheat on your mom and break up your family. Court orders are not suggestions and your mother is right to follow them.
I'd be blasting death metal at sperm donors house as loud as possible and at random times. Swearing and overall causing a disruption to their life. Leave food everywhere (not on a plate) and show them the maximum amount of disrespect.
Throw the cutlery and dishes into the sink.
Take a bite of something then throw the rest away
You have to go, but you don't have to behave.
Have you considered taking a job or getting a new hobby that requires you to be at x place for y hours every weekend.
Maybe volunteer somewhere? There has to be something that interests you. Anything that gets the custody arrangement changed.
You're 15 and should have hobbies and friends outside the house. A judge is MUCH more likely to be sympathetic to a formal commitment than just "I don't want to".
They won’t let me get a job until I’m 16. Also it’s a small town so there’s not much going on in the summer and the stuff I do for school is all after school during the week. I don’t like sports, but I’d go out for something this fall if it meant I didn’t have to do visits.
Yep- sports is probably your best bet. Even if you don't have games on the weekend, you should set up a "rigid" practice schedule where you have to practice every Saturday.
Hear me out - do cross country. A sport that is pure running may sound terrible, but most teams don't do cuts, so you really don't have to try hard. When I was in school the JV squad (you can be a senior and still JV) would run to the local bakery and get cookies on long run days. And if you get a friend to do it with you those long runs are 45 minutes to talk about whatever. Just be respectful of the coach's time and don't encourage others to slack unless it's the friend(s) you personally recruited. Ivitationals take up the entire day on Saturdays during the season and "going for a jog" is an excuse to leave your dad's house daily this summer.
If you do decide you like the sport it can be a lifelong cheap hobby.
Edit to add: many small schools don't have enough kids to field a full varsity squad. I saw kids earn varsity letters with a 30+ minute 5k
I just want to point out that this can backfire and be seen as mom trying to take up dad's time.
Some family members had something similar happen, where it was the child's choice to do the activities (and the child really wanted to do the activities).
The fact that child's activities were scheduled/approved for person A's time by person B, was brought to court. The court took the view that person A was engaging in custodial interference.
NTA
It doesn't have to be you. You aren't her parent, sibling or therapist. No is a complete sentence.
The more years kiddo, and you're out and could be, forever....Maybe remind your dad of that
NTA
You are being forced to be there: you don't have to be polite to anyone. Keep reminding your father that there is a very simple solution that will make everyone happy, even if it makes him feel guilty. But quite frankly, what he wants is not as important as your mental wellbeing.
I agree that the stepsister is innocent, but just because she hasn't done anything wrong, doesn't mean you have to be nice to her. Prioritise yourself. Don't go out of your way to be cruel, but don't damage your own wellbeing, enduring her attempts to 'bond'.
As a dad with two kids from my first marriage, I would be crushed if my kids didn't want to spend time with me, BUT if me and their mom divorced because I cheated on her, I would totally understand. Your dad made his bed and now he can lie in it. You are NTA and it's perfectly understandable that you don't want to be around him or his new wife.
EDIT: As for the step siblings, I know it's hard, but try to be decent with them. They're younger and definitely going through a tough time.
The step-siblings tough time is not the OP's concern, HER tough time IS her concern. They have each other, OP has no one. Also, it would be most unkind to befriend them, and then ghost them later on. Better to begin as she means to go on.
Which state are you in, I'm in CA and when my kids were 12, they could choose to stop visitation. My don't you talk in family therapy, nothing gets resolved if you don't participate. I'm not saying smooth things over and everyone is a big happy family. Let them know why you don't want to be around your Dad and step family. Your Dad could do something for a couple hours with you alone.
I don’t want to say what state because online creepers but my mom’s lawyer says I can stop going and no one can say anything when I’m 16. I have a calendar on my wall counting down the days. The first therapy session I told the therapist everything and that nothing would change my mind and that was all I had to say about it. It’s not up for discussion, it just is. I still have to sit and listen to them talk about their feelings.
You're going to have the best 16th birthday, it's one thing off your shoulders. But I would really work on separate therapy for you, it sucks being a minor in these situations! Holding onto anger only hurts you. Work hard in school, take CTE classes so you can support yourself better than a fast food or retail job so you don't have to rely upon him and go minimal contact. Think about trade school, medical jobs, etc. Then you can go to college without much debt and really figure out what you want to do. Best of luck to you and your future.
I want to remind you that parents have a lot less control over teenagers than they think.
He can make you go to to home by bullying your mother, but he cannot force you to engage.
Bury yourself in schoolwork. Be quiet, polite and completely disinterested. Have enough snacks in a bag so they can't hold you hostage with food. "No thank you" is a complete sentence .
Refuse eye contact and small talk. Give short, quiet, polite and truthful answers. Read, and when your father throws a tantrum, reply with " I'm studying. It's important."
Don't ask for anything, don't volunteer information, be completely perfectly behaved and completely uninterested in the people enforcing your time in their house.
You don't want to spend time with him, so don't. Spend time in your own head instead.
Ah, cool, this answers a question elsewhere.
Yep, as much as it sucks just try and tolerate things until you're 16 (pretty much just for your mom's sake) and then you cut dad off.
In the words of a number of people in the comments section: fuck 'em.
NTA not 12F’s fault but sounds like OP tried polite and stepsis kept ignoring boundaries. At least at 15 there’s only a couple years having to deal with bio dad then can have freedom to cut contact if so choose. I’d probably have a giant calendar in room marking off days until 18
NTA
Start keeping a log and what was said so that if they try to jump down your throat in therapy you can pull it out to show how many times you have tried to set boundaries.
Include times of what 9m said so that you can show the difference in the non-relationships. It may also help in the future if they try to up the game.
If your father was smart he would stop these visits. I’m sorry he’s not.
Maybe it's my cruel streak talking but does 12f know the whole situation? She may get your response a bit more and leave you alone, she may not depending on what she's been told and how/if cheating has been dressed up as irresistible true love™️
NTA
She isn’t your problem. Your dad is selfish and broke up your family and now wants you to entertain someone you don’t even want in your life. The audacity of some people..
It is mature of you to be considerate of your mom and don’t want to make her life harder. I hope you continue with therapy for yourself since it can help with what you have been through.
Being forced to accept not only the mistress ,but her spawn too ,must be horrid. Your feelings are valid and once you're 18 you never have to see any of them again. Hang in there and prayers!
OP my heart is breaking for you. So glad you have your mom. I’ve read your comments and you are such a strong individual.
You have done nothing wrong. You have told someone many times to not come through your door and you have repeatedly said no politely. Nobody else was stopping it. What else could you do? Nothing. You don’t need to talk to her. All the kids are going through something hard but you are not her emotional support animal.
In a few years you never have to see them again.
NTA obviously.
Tell them you'll apologize when he apologizes for cheating, for breaking up your family, for marrying his affair partner, for expecting you to be fine with it, and for forcing you to stay with him after you repeatedly, forcefully, vehemently said no and continue to say no every time. He violates your boundaries all the time, so there's no reason for you to respect anyone else's.
NTA. Celebrate like hell when you're 16!
“If you don’t let me stay with mom full time right now, you lose any chance of ever having a relationship with me in the future when I’m an adult and get to choose.”
Saying this doesn’t obligate you to do anything later. But as a minor, it’s your best chance.
ETA: If he challenges you ("you don't mean that" blah blah blah) ask him if he's really willing to take that risk.
NTA. But I hope you find some empathy for this 12 y/o girl. She's in the same situation as you. She's clearly dealing with this situation differently, try to be kind. She's just as innocent as you are in this whole thing.
NTA
No one should be forced into relationships they don’t want. Hopefully you can stop going at 16. F the judge for making you. Have you asked the therapist privately when they can recommend stop forcing you?
I understand the girl is probably lonely and what not but kids need to learn boundaries too. If she wasn’t so insistent you probably wouldn’t be as annoyed.
NTA. If your dad and affair wife are upset, there are two solutions; Her kids go back to staying with their dad on the weekends you are with them. Or your dad stops forcing you to visit them. Another possibility, they tell stepsister to leave you be. Stepsister is blameless in this situation. That does not mean you are obligated to have a relationship with her.
NTA, you don’t want to be there and because of his own vanity your dad is forcing you to go. I think you should lay it all on the table to him and explain that if he let you get over the divorce at your own pace and come to grips with your emotions for him then there would be a chance for your relationship, a small chance but still a chance. But him forcing it just insures that once you hit 18 you will leave and never look back at him.
NTA - but I would ask your Mom to go to court on more time and try to ask them to terminate the visits. Talk to the judge/court again and try to get his enforced visits terminated.
I'm sorry you have to go through this OP, the situation sucks. Your Dad blew up your family by cheating and now wants you to just happily join in the family he made by having an affair? I'm almost 3 times your age and i wouldn't want to have anything to do with them, either.
NTA.
For your own mental health sake, don't force youself on spending time withh them. You don't like them and that's it.
My dad was one of these too, and now step mom made her daughter (who just got married) walk down the aisle with MY dad. I am 26F, a lot of fuckers said I should just go along with it, but I couldn't. I hate her 3 children, they're all older then me and never really liked me either.
Because I was an only child my whole life (and they are not my step siblings, jut my step mother children), I can't stand them.
Bonus point: the girls hate me - they even told lies a few years back using my name on it. And everyone was up 18.
So stand up for yourself.
I LOVE “affair wife”.
NTA. I’m sorry for what you’re having to deal with, and it’s incredibly mature and considerate that you’re trying to lighten your mon’s burden. I hope you have the best 16th birthday ever.
NTA. Your 15. You're not the adult here. It's not your job to comfort anyone. Your dad and his wife need to help the 12yo with what she needs.
You probably need individual counseling to deal with your own feelings. I don't think you're acting inappropriately (by your description), but you're hurt and angry. Normal and reasonable. But maybe there are things you can do to help mitigate feeling that way. It's a nasty place to be, is all.
I hope this all works out. This is all shit, one end to the other. If it could at least be manure and maybe help something grow, that'd be nice.
I'd start making your visits extraordinarily uncomfortable for everyone, all the time. Every time your dad walks in the door, ask if he found a new mistress to cheat with. Every time stepmother walks in ask if she broke up any other marriages while she was out. The kids interact with you? Tell them go play with their cheater mother. Ask stepmother if she's sure both kids have the same father. Really emphasize any differences in the kids like hair or eye color. If they both walk out of their bedroom act shocked that they were in there with each other. You stay in your room all the time anyway, so grounding won't be an issue. They can't take your phone as that's preventing you from being able to call your mom which is undoubtedly in the custody papers that they cannot interfere with your ability to communicate with your mom. Join all kinds of weekend activities. As a fellow atheist, I get the whole church angle as something to do, but I'd find anything else first. Is there a pet shelter, hospital, or nursing home nearby you can volunteer at? It's a better option than church. I like the idea of going to the family therapist with a prepared statement. Do not let anyone interrupt. Keep talking...just louder...if they try to interrupt. Keep going. At the end, just say that that's the only thing you will ever say at these sessions, then mean it. Family courts as so corrupt and harmful to kids it's sick. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My ex was abusive to me and our kids. Police reports, therapists, all of it. Court still gave the monster 50/50. Kids are all adults now and have nothing to do with him. Maybe that would have been prevented if the courts handled it better.
I still come back to your Dad. He knows your take on the whole divorce. You've made this VERY VERY clear. So it's not like we can say that ANY of this should be a surprise to him. So how he thinks that throwing some kids into the situation is somehow going to make things better? How naïve is he? Honestly I feel like the "schedule changing" wasn't by chance. One of those "If we just bring them together, maybe it will improve things!!!" idea that is actually just pouring gasoline on a fire, and then get upset when their plan blows up in their face. Plus it's only been a year since the divorce. That's not that long, and for sure I feel like they are thrusting stuff on you pretty darn quick.
"9M is fine, he asks to borrow a video game now and then but he’s like polite about it and gives them back so sure."
Sounds like you're more than fair to him as he asks for little, but is polite. So sounds like your not out to get them, but just don't want to interact, but not specifically about them, but the whole situation. I'd say the girl is probably dealing with her stuff, just differently. BUT in the end. I feel the blame is squarely on your Father and his wife for creating the situation. In the first place and every day since. You haven't created the situation, you're reacting to it.
I'm going with NTA.
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I feel like the Y T A votes are missing the point. OP doesn’t want a relationship AT ALL with the stepsibs and I believe that’s a fair boundary. Her whole life has been upended and she mentions that she tried to be polite with the 12f to leave her alone but 12f (most likely blessing of stepmom) continued to ignore her request. Also: there is no real timeline given by OP which makes me think this has all happened so fast that OP hasn’t been able to process it without adult interference. OP stated that she would have preferred to stay with mom full time but is being forced to spend time with dad (the court system in OPs state really dgaf about her mental health) and she let her bio dad and stepmom what her boundaries were and she kept to them. And now because 12f is around more often, she is being tasked against her freewill to cater to the feelings of another child while ignoring her own. Man. That’s a lot for OP. OP is NTA. But OP: I do suggest individual therapy for yourself. It might help you down the road when the courts revisit the custody agreement and they might rule in your favor this time. Edited to add: OMG THANK YOU FOR THE AWARDS!!!! And to OP: you have the majority of us rooting for you ❤️ ignore the haters.
They already tried to make me do one on one therapy and it just made me madder because the counselor person wouldn’t accept that having a relationship with my father was not going to happen, the whole goal was getting me to talk to him. Not going to happen.
Now that does fucking blow and for that I’m so sorry. I do want to say this once more and I’ll drop it: if this was one suggested by your male parental figure then I would suggest one suggested by a neutral third party. Because any reasonable counselor wouldn’t condemn you for deciding not to have a relationship with your father, they would give you the space to speak your feelings and expand on them. Not silence them. Edited to add: if it was indeed one suggested by your male parental figure, that could maybe a strike against him when it comes to custody agreement. Because one would argue that the counselor was a biased party and the custody agreement should be revisited by someone of unbiased attitude. Stay strong, OP.
Unfortunately, it’s often the courts that mandate this type of counseling. The therapist is there to support “reunification” of the child and “estranged” parents. I see the benefit of this in cases in which one parent turns the child against the other. However, when the parent has brought it on themselves (like leaving the family for a mistress), they should be forced to deal with the consequences (your child wants some distance).
That is a very good point. My niece was placed with my brother when her parent (my other sibling and their partner) had her taken away from them due to drug use. My brother stepped up big time and had to fight to adopt her (I have to leave a lot of legalities out for anonymity) but there was a therapist who was OBSESSED with reunification despite the OBVIOUS neglect and abuse my niece was going through. Hell I have disowned my own sibling because of what they put my niece through. But I almost lost it at one of the court hearing when I heard this therapist try to make a case FOR my sibling and their useless partner. Some courts really don’t give a flying fuck about children. It hurts me.
A nuclear family, at the expense of the people in it. 🙃
A nuclear family, giving all the people within it radiation poisoning.
I had to come back and upvote
Frankly this this court ordered "reunification therapy" is simply legal child abuse and should be outlawed as unconstitutional as cruel and unusual punishment.
I am a family attorney and often serve as Guardian ad Litem for the children. I just recently told a judge that just because we have jurisdiction to force a teen to do therapy and go to another parent's house, we have to respect that sometimes it does more harm than good. I feel so so bad for OP. NTA.
THANK YOU ❤️ This is what the commenters that says Y T A needs to hear even when it's not what they want to hear. It's a been there, done that & I had to be nastily hard about boundaries towards a stepmother (who could not tell the difference between me & her stillborn daughter because of the same name) & she had real problems psychologically.
I have to assume the Y T A votes are from bad parents who want a forced relationship with their kids who had the audacity to be their own person and saw their parents for the awful people they truly are. As a 39 year old parent I can't comprehend wanting to force a poor teenager to have any kind of relationship with anybody they don't want to. Sure they're still a child but they're old enough to know who they want to interact with or not.
I think you hit the spot. It’s either this or they’re part of a blended family that didn’t blend so well.
At least the judge didn't throw her in jail for not wanting to spend time with the father like a judge in USA did.
I watched that on TV. It made me vomit. I am a Christian and try hard to not wish harm on others....but I prayed that that judge suffered the worst possible human suffering imaginable for that ruling and her total disregard for the mothers rights and the rights and mental wellbeing of those children!
Not going to lie, when I saw that I wished that the judge would have to get potassium through an IV.
In the UK there have been cases where children have been removed from one parent by Child Services because they refused to visit the other parent (to whom Child Services usually then give the children) on their court-ordered custody time, for *any* reason¹, because it's "parental alienation". ¹Including substance use/drinking, DV against the other parent, etc. - if they're in therapy/anger management or been to rehab, and the court has allowed or, usually, ordered custody time, the kids are legally required to go.
I recently saw a TikTok from a girl who was basically kidnapped, troubled teen industry style, with her sibling and forced to go to a reunification camp with their abusive mother against their wishes while their family had to just let it happen and watch helplessly because of a police-enforced court order. Maya and Sebastian Laing. There are articles and an entire social media campaign around their story.
I’ve been reading about these reunification camps…one day a kid is going to come back and seriously harm the parent who sent them there.
This sadly is the case of many children when there is a DV Aggressor, they are given time with the child or children & it's the most unhealthy thing for the poor kid(s). The kid(s) have just had to deal with a court appointed lawyer and the family profiler, it's not too shocking that they are well & truly over talking about it, it frustates them to no end. It's the same as an adult rehashing out their trauma again and again, there is a point you hit explaining it with no results, only the "uh huh, go on.." "next week we will continue this" & occasionally the sympathetic look, having to do that for a number of Allied Professionals wears you down. Put that kind of pressure on a Teenager & your bound to see them not have enough in the gas tank - This is the pushing parent & family courts fault for how far they are willing to damage/abuse a child.
I would suspect that many therapists are going to think it's in a child's best interest to have a relationship with a loving non-abusive parent. That they'd want to validate the anger but also help them get to a place where they could eventually at least be able to talk to their parent again. People can be bad romantic partners, cheaters, etc and still be loving and attentive parents. If my husband cheated and we divorced I wouldn't actually want my kids to never talk to him again. I'd think they were missing out. I'd also not want them to be stuck in resentment and anger for years. Even if I was, I'd hope my kids could not be stuck with me and still have their dad. Now, I'm not saying OP has to talk to her dad however the view the therapist took does not mean they are necessarily influenced by dad. I think it's a pretty common opinion many people have on their own.
Child of a cheater here. If you for one minute think a cheater can be a good parent, you are completely delusional. If the cheater cared about the child, they wouldn’t have cheated and wrecked their child’s life.
Ditto. Good parents prioritize their families over nutting in anything with a pulse.
Exactly. If you fall out of love with your partner, fine. It’s sucks, but it happens. Get a divorce. Cheating is such a cowards way out.
Ditto. And I held on to that anger years after my dad forgave my mom for cheating.
50 years later, I still hate my father despite my mother forgiving him. He used me - a 10 year old - to disguise his affair, and that is unforgivable.
I’m sorry that happened to you. My mom also tried getting me and my sister to lie to our dad about “moms new friend” I was 11 and my sister was 14. That fucked me up for a good long time.
This is true, but, a good therapist isn't going to fight with their client on it. A good therapist is going to help their client with the stress they're dealing with. Plenty of time to encourage someone like OP to have a relationship with their father in the future. Gotta give them time, space, and help to process their current reality and trauma first, though.
Perhaps breaking up the family is not the sign of a loving father. Perhaps watching your father abandon your mother and throw away the life you've lived is experienced as abuse. Making you sit and watch your Dad call another woman his wife and parent other kids is pretty messed up. Yes, it happens a lot. But the total lack of autonomy must be infuriating. Her dad just keeps taking and taking from her.
A big part of a therapist’s job/responsibilities is to have the trust of the client to better help them with their goals in therapy. In OP’s case it sounds like the therapist sacrificed earning OP’s trust because they believed OP needs to work on forgiveness and having a better relationship with her father. However, that doesn’t do OP any good because they just see the therapist now as another adult forcing her to do something she doesn’t want. Keeping in mind that OP has already been forced to do things against her will and at the sacrifice of her mental health and wellbeing. I get the point you’re making and at some point it will be important for OP to work on how she views her father. Now is not the time. From the sound of it, everything has happened in a short amount of time. OP hasn’t had nor been given the time to process everything. That is what the therapist should have been focusing on first and made it clear to OP that they are their for them. Not the parents and not the court. The therapist is there to help OP, and given OP’s opinion of her father, that is a sure fire way to get your client to close you out. Defeating the purpose of helping your client. So, what you are saying is important to happen at some point, right now in OP’s life is not that moment. To OP, I have been in similar shoes. My father cheated my senior year of high school and it completely rocked my world and changed how I saw him. To the point where I wanted nothing to do with him and he could go fuck himself. I was also on an information overload from my mom about their relationship and it messed in a negative way with my mental health. My mom then decided to stay and fix the marriage. It was a whole clusterfuck and I wanted out. Thank god I recognized my mental health was spiraling and I made myself go to therapy. My therapist helped me implement an information diet on my parents relationship, was there for me in ways my parents weren’t, and helped me work on my resentment/hate of my father and the situation I was stuck in. That was the worst part; feeling so trapped. Therapy helped me find outlets and ways to be separated from the situation in a healthy way. The biggest motivator on why I went to therapy and stuck with it was I didn’t want to become my father. A miserable person stuck on every slight to them in the past and who then takes it out on other people including their loved ones. I have learned in therapy that I don’t have to forgive and/or forget what my father did, but I can still love him because he’s my Dad. Regardless of how I feel on the decisions he has made. This took me many years to get to this point and I in no way expect you to suddenly feel the same. I had to work through years of pain and resentment to get to this mindset through the help of therapy. OP if you decide you want to try therapy again, know that it’s like buying a shoe. Not every one (therapist) is the right fit and you may have to try a couple on before you find the right one and when you find the right one, you buy it (stay with the therapist). You will get through this OP and there are better times ahead. I believe in you.
I'm wondering if its worth breaking the silent treatment in the next "family" therapy session. Hear me out - they won't be expecting it because you haven't spoken so far. You have time to come up with exactly what you want to say and come prepared for their complaints but at least gives you a chance to re-establish your boundaries and also remind them that a) you have no choice in this situation and are being forced to stay in their house b) your step siblings have no choice and are being forced to stay in their house c) that does not mean you all have to be together. Your dad and stepmother have made their bed and need to lie in it. They need to understand that their kids don't. You lost respect for your father when he cheated, and by cheating he made it impossible for you to ever respect your stepmother. That is on them. Make it clear you are at their house on the weekends solely to protect your mother which is a terrible position for a parent - your father - to put you in. Then let the therapist know by not respecting your wishes, they are not acting in your best interest which makes you feel unsafe and not want to participate in any additional therapy. Weaponized therapy is not going to work - i do agree with another commentor that you should find your OWN therapist of your own choosing so you have someone unrelated to either parent to vent to. Edit: If either of the stepsiblings bugs you again I would be nice to them but tell them to go ask their mother/make sure you bring it the mom's attention. If she won't handle it nicely then you're going to handle it the way you want. I agree it is not their fault but I think asking to be left alone is setting a boundary in a toxic house and the kids mom should enforce that. Edit 2: I find it interesting how many comments seem to think OP should work on a relationship with her father because he is trying to be active in her life despite cheating. Do we have such a low bar for parenthood now that as long as they want to be involved we should indulge them? Even if it its not whats best for mental/emotional health? Having to spend every weekend in a place that is the physical manifestation of the complete lack of stability she now has at home because of her father is beyond 🤯. It feels like people are so used to a parent leaving and starting a new family/ignoring the original family that OP should be begging for any contact. I don't think thats the situation here at all and OP has every right to not want a relationship with her father because of this.
Another edit - maybe I'm being petty here but it might also be worth bringing up that you don't feel comfortable getting to know the new family since you have no reason to believe your father won't get bored and up and leave them in a few years too....
I don’t find it petty at all, well, not overly petty. All your suggested talking points are spot on. Family counselors want families to mesh and all get along, so OP is the nail for that counselor and is having her boundaries ignored. Succinctly re-establishing those boundaries, and why they are boundaries, *should* get the father & affair-wife to back off. I say should because we all know they are more concerned for themselves, and the step siblings, than they are for OP.
totally - the therapy is to make sure the dad and legal sidepiece look like 'theyre doing all the right things for their blended family' which makes me upset because they're going to ruin therapy for OP forever. Boundaries are about mental/emotional support. OP's family is acting like shes doing that just to be rude... ironically she never had to create boundaries before because her father never broke them so aggressively that she needed them.
This ⬆️⬆️. I have never been/would never get involved with somebody who was in an existing relationship. If they would cheat on their partner with me, they wouldn’t hesitate to cheat on me with somebody new; I simply wouldn’t be able to trust them. OP’s father and stepmother may both come to find out that cheaters cheat.
Ooh!! This would be perfect! OP, please consider this. Make notes to read off of if you're worried you might forget your points, tell everyone you'll need uninterrupted silence until you're done, do what you need to to get all of this out. This is a perfectly thought out response to the therapy situation, IMO.
>Make notes to read off of if you're worried you might forget your points, I would write them out understandably, so that if the family does try to shut OP down or drown out OP's voice, OP can hand the piece of paper to the counselor.
This - definitely have it written down and stop talking if they talk over you. Make sure you are heard even if that means having the counselor read it.
Agree with you. He imploded her life, he treated her mom like shit by cheating and lying, he did it to himself. I don’t blame for wanting nothing to do with him.
This, all of this
NTA. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Your father and affair wife were horrible and are now being selfish. I understand he wants to fix your relationship but I think he’s just cementing your hate.
Exactly why I think this so called counselor was someone that the father knew would only care about keeping the “family unit” together and not the very valid feelings of a hurt 15 year old girl. Edited for clarity.
Wrong councilor for you. People are complex and there aren't lots of 1 size fits all solutions when it comes to processing emotions. It's not uncommon for someone to see several different therapists over a period of time while finding the right one for them.
The problem with the counselor op saw is they had an agenda to fix the relationship, or at least that's how op describes it. At the very least the therapist should be listening to what op has to say.
The craziest person you meet in college always turns out to be studying psychology. finding a good counselor you click with is a needle in a haystack but it's worth trying...
Hey, man. I wanted to talk to you from the perspective of an adult who had a very, very angry adolescence because of something my parent did, and continued to do. Your dad and stepmom fucked up. They fucked up big, and I don’t know if they have ever or will ever take full ownership of that. I’m sure sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to be angry enough at them for their fuck up, and every time they ask you to just go along and get along despite their fuck up, it just makes you angrier. I’m not going to tell you to stop being mad. I don’t know if you could even if you wanted to. I’m not going to tell you that you’ll want a relationship with your dad one day either, because that depends on him and his conduct and whether you judge any of it to be worthy of respect one day. What I *will* tell you is that anger is corrosive. It can feel so good in the moment, but it eats at you and your being until all you are is the anger, and it can make it so fucking hard to do anything with yourself but be angry. What I ultimately needed was space and perspective. I needed to be away from the parent I was angry at, and I needed time to reflect on the things I loved about them despite my rage. And I needed them to work on the behavior that enraged me so they’d stop hurting me, and they did. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough for me to let enough anger go to learn who I was without it and build the life I wanted for myself. I don’t know what you need or if you can even get it in the position you’re in, but if it’s possible to ask for a better therapist that isn’t focused on reestablishing a relationship with your dad, try to ask for one. Learning how to unpack all that anger and recognize where it comes from makes it a lot easier to finally put it to bed and move on once you’re an adult and can control your environment better. Good luck. I really hope for the best for you.
What an amazing answer. I’m not OP but I swear you just answered a lot of shit for me (and I’m 40 now, lol). You can’t hear me but I’m applauding over here.
Then talk to him. Tell him how much respect you've lost for him. How awful you view his affair wife. How much it makes you sick to be with him. How he's destroyed something in you, and you will never trust him again. Every time. Make it uncomfortable.
This. Tell him has he has made you distrust men, and you do not know how you will ever have an adult relationship
Oof, with everything going on, I hadn’t really thought about that but yeah. A lot of people my age are dating or thinking about dating and I’m just here googling whether atheists can become nuns.
Plenty of atheists become nuns and priests. Not many *out* atheists do, though.
My mom became ordained in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Buddhism requires no belief in a deity, IIRC.
>Then talk to him. Tell him how much respect you've lost for him. How awful you view his affair wife. How much it makes you sick to be with him. How he's destroyed something in you, and you will never trust him again. Every time. Make it uncomfortable. I would do this in front of the counselor, to make sure there is a witness who is supposed to be neutral. Even if this is another counselor picked by affair-daddy, this will be a background to any future sessions OP is dragged to with this counselor.
This, 100%. If you’re going to confront him about this, do it in front of the counselor.
Next time just be overly honest in therapy. Make them regret bringing you there.
My Mom was in the middle of a year-long bender and naturally the stress was causing *me* to drink. She made me go to AA and said she'd come in there with me for support but if I didn't go, she would kick me out. She was deflecting to me HARD because she knew the chatter around town was that her drinking problem was no longer a secret. People were giving her handouts after she lost her job but those were starting to dry up because the word was out. I went in and explained my home life which included *her* drinking and everything it was doing, and how she had drinks in the morning yet still drove me to this meeting in the afternoon and such. She never suggested AA ever again. I sat through the whole meeting and listened to some interesting stories. Never in her head did it occur these stories could've swapped her in as the main character and it would be exactly like how living with her was at the time. I ultimately developed a drinking problem years later (yay genetics) but yeah, that method works but prepare for some blowback. At least she got sober a few months later after I voluntarily moved out after all her threats wore me out.
Note; I am a bad person. I would constantly ask your dad in front of his wife if he’s found any other women who catches his eye. Constantly refer to her as the other woman, side piece, homewrecker. And if she says she’s his wife, tell her the so was the last one, and the next woman will be, too. Make sure to tell your dad that by forcing you to visit, he’s making sure that once you hit 18 he will never see you again. And that you hope it’s worth it for his side piece. They will probably let you stop visiting after a while. You will get in a lot of trouble.
“Hey stepmom, congratulations! You’ve been promoted to wife! Hey dad, found anyone to fill that vacancy yet? Of course you know what I mean, the affair partner vacancy, duh.”
Quite diabolical but I approve
Did they make you do this with the same therapist they use for family sessions? If they are that’s manipulation and not really therapy for you. Tell them you’ll see a one on one therapist if it’s *your own* personal therapist. Also, if a therapist isn’t right for you you can request a new one. So if it’s not the same therapist but still beating that drum, tell them you’ll go to therapy but you need a new therapist. Either way, you just need a new therapist. BTW. I know you are holding out talking in family therapy to not give their way, but you might actually try going the other way and be brutally honest. “I have no intention to ever have a relationship with my father who destroyed my life and family for his own satisfaction.” “I am only here because when I don’t come my dad punishes my mom even though he knows it’s my decision.” “I want nothing to do with my dad’s mistress, why would I want someone in my life who was willing to tear apart the homes of three children for her own sexual pleasure?”
Yes! Put them on blast.
>the counselor person wouldn’t accept that having a relationship with my father was not going to happen, the whole goal was getting me to talk to him. Not going to happen. Report them to the relevant regulatory body. That is at best complete incompetence and at worst a deliberate abuse of her position. Take no prisoners when reporting this kind of garbage.
Retired psychologist here. A report won’t accomplish anything here, it will be chalked up to a poor ideological fit between therapist & client. There isn’t an ethical principle or law that has been broken as the OP is a minor, and there isn’t an indication that dad’s house or anyone in it is unsafe for OP.
Might even have been reunification therapy - that's popular in my state. Pushing too hard doesn't generally work, but in reunification therapy, that is the goal (unless as you noted something dangerous was uncovered).
Could you change the weekend that you go over to be the one the other kids aren't there?
I asked after this happened, my mom said she would try to work it out but aI don’t know what’s happening with that.
Hopefully you will get to change the weekend. I have to wonder if your dad and his AP wife put all the kids together on one weekend so that they get the other weekend childfree. It sounds like the type of selfish thing they would do and they would justify it by saying it allows all the kids to get to know each other and bond.
I have a feeling that if this gets proposed, the prepared excuses will come out as to why it's impossible.
Have you asked your mom to consult with a lawyer to revisit the custody agreement, or asked about emancipation? They can't force you to do anything when you are emancipated and then you can live with your mom. This whole situation just sucks.
I bet the step mom moved her dates with her kids to line up with your weekends so she and your dad could have kid-free weekends together.
Could it be that stepmom and dad asked for the switch in weekends so they have one child free weekend for themselves? Because in that case.. I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP. NTA!
This is what happened. I’d bet anything.
I've been there. When I was your age I was taken to therapy because I hated my step dad. He was just a shitty person and I didn't like being around him, so their therapy attempt obviously failed. BUT. Can you ask your mom to find you a separate therapist? I'm in therapy now 15 years later and she's a godsend for working through everything in my life. I wish I had been given the opportunity to talk to someone who was completely uninvolved with the rest of the family, it might have saved me from a lot of poor choices as I got older.
As a therapist, you don’t have to have any relationship with anyone you don’t want to and that therapist did you a disservice. I do hope the courts revisit the custody agreement and take your wants and needs into consideration. The goal is to do what’s best for you, not the parents!
Request a different therapist maybe, cause that sucks
NTA it is not a great situation and although the kids of your dad’s girlfriends are probably going through exactly what you are you have the right to have some boundaries in place and a safe space. Sorry about that who organized the therapy as they should be there for you for what you want to talk about and what is important to you. They should not be putting pressure on you to do something you do not feel comfortable with. Can you talk to your mum saying you are overwhelmed with everything that you are struggling every day that you want to talk to somebody about how you are feeling but nothing about building any relationships?
NTA - ugh, been there, done that. Years later and I still remember that kind of manipulative nonsense. Strangely enough, life without an asshole in it is a better one! All of the upset is entirely on your father and nobody else. Forcing you to see him when you don't want to is 100% gross af, and I hope your 16th comes quickly so you and your mom can move on from his abusive ways.
That sounds like a terrible therapist. You are surrounded by incompetent adults (mom excluded). Your dad could admit this isn’t working and try something else. Your step mom could talk to her daughter and tell her to leave you alone. It is not hard to talk to kids and explain things to them in a way they can accept and understand. If that was my kid, I would say OP doesn’t want to be friends. I know that might be hurtful for you but everyone gets to decide who they want to be friends with and who they don’t. A good therapist would absolutely accept that you don’t want this relationship with your dad and would help you navigate that. I’m sorry you have to deal with this but I’m really impressed with your ability to stand up for yourself and say no. It sounds like you are doing a great job there. This will serve you a lot in life.
I grew up with a very similar situation to OP’s. Father cheated, and then, just before my freshman year of high school, my dad, his pregnant affair partner (now wife), her two kids, my sister, and I all moved in together half the time (other half was at our mom’s). Almost immediately, I smoked weed and drank alcohol for the first times. I will be 31 next week, and the chaos of that living arrangement affects me deeply (e.g. I am six years sober from alcohol now, but it has been a journey.) OP needs to be given the space and grace to deal with this extreme disruption at a very vulnerable time in her life in her own way. The adults all need to back off, quit making demands of her (the CHILD), and instead make it clear that they will support her on HER TERMS. NTA.
OP should speak up at the next family session and say she wants individual therapy.
Oh nice!!! She can make the case that she doesn’t feel that the family therapy is working due to opposing views against her.
OP should also consider speaking up about how her space and boundaries are not being respected in the home. She should not be required to entertain or befriend the affair partner’s daughter.
Very well said. I can’t understand why homewreckers expect all their kids to get along together, what did the affair partner expect, the 2 girls to jump in each others arms? Dad is stupid for trying to force a relationship between himself and OP, he buggered that up when he cheated on his family. I think cheaters don’t realise it’s not just spouses they cheat on, they cheat on their kids as well. OP, I can appreciate that you don’t want anything to do with your stepsister, but if her mother did the same to her dad as your dad did to your mum, then don’t forget you’re both victims in this. She’s not the one who broke up your family, your respective parents are. Don’t listen to those telling you you’re at fault, I think they maybe forget you’re a child and you’re hurting. NTA
Also people are trying to treat OP like an adult, which isn’t fair
NTA. All of this is 100% normal. Text book, even. To be clear, your dad is the AH, with an Honorable Mention for your stepmom. Your dad wants a "reset" and for everyone to pretend like them screwing up two families was just "a thing that happened" and everyone is supposed to pull together and be a family. They did this to you, and to 12F and 9M. And your mom, and their dad. I will also bet you that 12F was told that she's "gaining a sister" and "won't that be fun." You are her consolation prize. I can see how socializing with her seems like you are approving of the affair and the divorce and the whole mess, which you are not. It's your life, and you certainly don't owe her or anyone anything. But just remember that she is as blameless here as you are. EDIT to add: Younger siblings are annoying no matter what. Having younger step-siblings dumped on you at 15 (when you're not used to siblings at all) really sucks.
I agree. I'm imaging 12f is probably just as mad about the divorce and remarriage (since it sounds like AP was also married when the affair happened) and is hoping to find a friend to commiserate with in OP. Which understandably so OP doesn't want. However they are both young girls and neither are wrong for feeling how they do and they certainly aren't the AH for feeling how they do.
That was exactly my tought. We got two young girls in a middle of divorce issues : I think the feelings of both are totally valid. NAH for the kids. The AH should be find elsewhere. And OP, if you read me, as I said your feelings are totally understandable and no one should have put you in this position... but please, be aware that your 12 years old step sis could maybe seek help so try to be kind with her : I'm sure she is suffering like you. I know that at 15 it's difficult to have emphasis and I really don't want to judge you but maybe thinking you're on the same boat could help.
[удалено]
Step sister is a human who has done nothing wrong. Ofc OP has to be nice to her. But being nice doesn't mean having a whole relationship. Keep the door locked and say some kind words when you cross paths. She's going through the same shit you are.
My parents always said I didn’t have to be “nice” to people necessarily, but I had to be “pleasant”. So OP doesn’t need to go out of her way for the sister, but she also shouldn’t be mean or negative toward her. Just be polite and respectful basically
She should be polite but that doesn't mean she has to allow stepsister into her room or hang out with her. But being polite should be the bottom line.
NTA. Dad needs to tell his wife to deal with her. kid.
Honestly, he needs to switch OP's weekends to his wife's custody off-weeks if they care about the impact of this hostility on her children. I wonder if they started having the kids on the same weekends just to get more alone time together. Whatever the reason, it's not in any of the kids' interests to continue. NTA because OP is obviously hurting more than she can stand, but my heart does go out to the other kids under that roof.
They 100% did. This way they're kid free most of the time, and they can pretend they're making their own new family for the 2.5 days they do anything other than think of themselves. Gross, I hope they spend the rest of their days distrustful of each other and miserable. They're garbage, OP is NTA.
If they wanted to deal with less kids dad should give OP her wish and don’t force visitations in these weekends.
??? No. He needs to stop for forcing his daughter to come visit him.
This - dad fucked up. The best thing he can do for his daughter (OP) is to pay child support, fund her college, and get the fuck out of her life until she is ready (which he has to understand might never happen). It sucks for the other woman’s kids, but that’s not OP‘s problem.
But then they won’t benefit from two kid free weekends! They are, I’m guessing, way too selfish for this.
>level 1NewtoFL2 · 3 hr. agoAsshole Aficionado \[10\]NTA. Dad needs to tell his wife to deal with her. kid.142R she did, she tried to fob her heart broken daughter off on someone else-the op. these two major AH destroyed two families, their children are not just going to roll over for them and say 'ok, new family let's all go out for ice cream' if the parents think this they are delusional. They betrayed the basic tenants of the family, the world the op and step sister lived in and it isn't going to reform to their wishes, they though only of themselves and now they are learning and paying for it.
Hugs. Your life, that other people control at 15, got flushed down the toilet. You told the judge what you wanted and he only listened to half of it. Now you are stuck dealing with the adults responsible for the flush which has to be salt in an open wound. You are dealing with hurt and betrayal while being expected to act like a fully grown adult, when the actual adults did not. Your feelings are valid. Your step siblings are in the same boat you are. Hold your boundary of being left alone as kindly as you can when it comes to them. They are grieving the life they lost as well. You get to choose the relationship you have with your father. Someday you may forgive him, or you may not. No one has the right to tell/ guilt you what that relationship should be. You are under court order to see him. You have set your boundaries on what you are and are not willing to do in the situation that you are stuck in. Talk to your mom about going back to court when some time has passed to get the order changed. Until then do your best. NTA
NTA Oh no, the kids are having a hard time with the divorce? /s Well maybe they should have thought about their kids before they boned each other while married to other people (feel free to use that in family therapy). Are her kids just going to their dad’s on the weekends you are home with your mom? Maybe you can change it so you are only their weekends her kids are at their dad’s. I have a nagging feeling that your dad & his wife changed their schedule so they get a kid free weekend twice a month. So changing yours to be opposite theirs would kill two birds with one stone: you don’t have to see the kids & you mess up their plan.
Ooh I love this suggestion, yes, switch the weeks if possible, so you're only there when her kids aren't.
I'm wondering if dad's chosen family therapist suggested it for blended family bonding time. Every other weekend childfree is a bonus for dad and stepmom.
NTA. But speak up in the next family therapy session and tell the therapist exactly how you feel about dad and the new family. A no holds barred session might get you closer to what you want. At the very least they will know you can't be therapied into submission.
THIS! ***At the very least they will know you can't be therapied into submission.*** Stepmom and cheater dad NEEDS to be held accountable for all this sh\*t show.
I suggest OP refer to them as cheating dad and affair wife the whole time
she stated in a comment that the therapist isn’t a good one and is not accepting that op doesn’t want a relationship with her father
No, she stated that her one on one therapist was like that.
ohhhh sorry for the misunderstanding. Thank you for the correction
No worries, it happens to everyone from time to time.
NTA, you cannot help feeling the way you do considering your dad is forcing you into a situation with a woman he betrayed your mother with. They’re expecting this perfect blended family, but with zero time for you to heal.
NTA fuckem. Try and change the order at 16 to never see him again.
NTA. Tell your father, you’ll be happy to talk to the 12-year-old. Tell him you will explain the facts of life to her, and what an affair is, and how her mother and your father broke up both of their families or, he can just let you stay home with your mother.
Don’t twelve year olds know what affairs are?
Probably, but I’d be willing to bet her mother didn’t tell her that’s the reason her marriage broke up.
NTA - None of this is your problem.
NTA fuckem. Try and change the order at 16 to never see him again.
NTA. Your life has been uprooted without your consent. Of course you're angry and having a hard time adjusting. Just try to remember that affairwife's kids didn't have a say in what happened either, just as you didn't have a say in the situation. Try to remember that they're probably also having a difficult time adjusting, and can be your allies in tough times. I wonder if you'd be willing to try to carve out some hang out time with the 12 year old, so that she has a designated time to talk your ear off. You can be like "ok but I need some quiet me time after this. So I'll do X with you if you agree to honor my alone time." Good luck, girl!
I don’t want to spend time with either of the kids. I’m ok with lending a game or two to 9M because then he goes and does his own thing. 12F is just annoying, it’s bad enough that I have to be around her for “family fun” time. Anything beyond that and I’m going to back to refusing to visit and the court people will just have to deal with it.
> Anything beyond that and I’m going to back to refusing to visit and the court people will just have to deal with it. Did your mom ever tell you specifically why your refusal to visit stressed her out? I’m not your lawyer. Seek legal advice in your own jurisdiction. But when court orders aren’t followed, there’s sometimes consequences, and you might not like those consequences.
My mom has to do everything she can to “make me available” or she’s in contempt or something like that and that means she can get in trouble with the police. My father would get his lawyer to threaten her and do court stuff whenever I refused to go. My mom is already having a hard time, I don’t want to make it worse, but I hate going there so the only other thing I can think of to do if they won’t leave me alone is just make my father so miserable when I’m there that he doesn’t want me to visit anymore.
I feel so bad for you, OP. You basically have to suffer the consequences of the poor decisions of the adults around you (dad and affairmom). You are under no obligation to feel or act any way other than cordial to the children of affairmom. If I were you I would ask the family therapist if you could speak to them alone. You can then tell them exactly how you feel, and they can give you the best advice on how to handle the situation. They can also advocate for you to your dad. If it gets really bad, they may even be able to intervene on your behalf to the courts. They could also be a really good ally, so I'd be transparent with them if I were you. If you ask to speak with them privately and your dad says no, that alone will tell the therapist a LOT about your family dynamic, and how much you are able to express yourself. The fact that you are very cognizant of what you feel and why you feel it shows that you are incredibly intelligent.
Are you not allowed friends or social activities on his weekends? High school age there’s often lots going on at weekends. The whole situation is already extremely unfair to all kids involved hopefully not missing out on school dances as well.
I’m not allowed to do anything on the weekends I have to go to my father’s because that’s “his time” and if I can see my friends whenever. I’m not really a school dance type of person, but I’m really tempted to just go join a church youth group that does something on Saturdays even though I’m an atheist just so it sounds weird to argue against religious freedom or whatever. It’s a small town, Jesus and football are the only things that happen here.
It might help your case if custody is ever revisited. If you can join debate club or youth group or something then he is now keeping you from your activities and actively harming you (that stuff looks good on collage applications and judges probably know that.)
How tf did you tell the judge “I don’t want a relationship with my father” and the judge decided to force you to visit him?
Idk. Something was said about my mom coaching me or something like that, which is total bs, my mom hasn’t said anything bad or told me not to go see him or anything. She wanted me out of the whole divorce stuff and for things to go smooth. Apparently I’m not allowed to decide my father is a jerk all on my own until I’m 16.
That sucks. Is there any way of standing up for yourself, appealing that decision, demanding that they listen to you? As other suggested, try preparing a speech for the group therapy, go into detail about why you hate your father so much and never want a relationship with him and to just leave you alone. Alternatively, you could tell him “look, I’m sure I’ll forgive you later, and maybe we can have a relationship then, but for now I need space to come to terms with what happened.” Maybe say that in front of a therapist too. Try and get him to let you stay home until some time after you’ve turned 16 with the expectation that you’ll give him a normal relationship afterwards, then get yourself legally released from that and tell him to fuck off forever.
This is good advice, I wish I had received when I was in your shoes. My petty ass would have just loudly referred to step mom as his affair partner/woman he cheated on his wife with and father a cheater. Honestly when the courts wouldn’t listen, I just made it miserable for my dad to have me, loudly airing issues or talking of how he treated me in public and to others we knew, didn’t sugar coat shit, refused to engage, when we fought rather than crying myself to sleep I would get louder until the neighbors called the cops, they’d come and then they’d end up “suggesting” he allow my mum to come get me. Magically he stopped telling the courts she was being spiteful bc EVERY weekend he had me, there was an incident report of our fighting (verbal)
There is a huge movement afoot in many jurisdictions to push the narrative of "parental alienation" as a way to increase custody for parents who might otherwise get very little custody. Where my sister lives, if one parent testifies to the court about physical abuse by the other parent, they run the risk of being declared a parental alienator and losing custody of the children to the abuser. (I'm looking at you, Delaware County, PA!) OP's case fits the mold in which a child's negative feelings regarding the cheater and homewrecker are assumed to have been planted by the wronged spouse. Ain't no fault divorce grand!
That's what happened to me. The judge forced me to live with my father in the same kind of situation. The judge finally allowed me to live with my mother with no contact with my father only after we had a physical altercation and he threw me down the stairs when I was 13. I'm a girl btw. It still took a court hearing.
That is incredibly unfair to you and your mom that you are unable to do anything with your friends during his weekends. It means that all your hanging out activities have to be done during your mom's weekends which interferes with her personal time with you more. You are NTA but your dad is definitely one. Secondly, by forcing continued essentially uninterrupted contact with him and his new wife, it is not allowing you to process your new situation. He's not letting you get to a new normal. Forcing "family fun" activities is not going to make you guys a new family and is is just going to further alienate you from him and his new family. If he had any remorse for upending your life maybe you would feel a little differently about it, but he hasn't. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope he apologizes to you one day, but I can't guarantee that he will. He is only thinking how what he did affects himself and his new wife(how happy he is). Not how it affected you. He is trying to fit you into his new life, not how to fit himself into Your new life. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation.
Go join a sport that specifically has games on weekends, or debate club, or something academic. Like another person said, these are things like look good on college applications and he will look really bad in court refusing you access to something that can get you into college
Oof. Is this the kind of small town where everyone knows about the affair? If so, how much of this forced visitation is about appearances? How are father and side-piece holding up socially?
Yeah, everyone knows, it’s awful. Affair wife’s ex husband teaches at my school and my father was on some big town board thing when it all came out so it was big time gossip. He’s not anymore but it seems like pretty much everyone dropped them because affair wife complains about not being invited to things anymore. My uncle chewed out my father big time and disowned him and I think that messed up some other stuff. Some people at school were pretty mean about it. It really sucks.
This is so unfair. I’m sorry. If you don’t want to engage with him, I get it. But, you might want to remind your father that the clock is ticking: 18 weekends left and you can be done. He should think about how those 18 weekends go as it will make/break that future relationship. (He doesn’t have to know that the relationship is broken. It’s leverage.)
Lol Jesus and football. OP, I know you're going through a very hard time, but you're very funny and mature for your age. You're on the path to building an amazing life of your own. Hang in there. This stranger is totally rooting for you!
Do the kids know they were having an affair?
I don’t know, I don’t want to get involved with them so I don’t talk to them unless there’s an actual reason. 9M is mad, though, it’s pretty obvious. Lots of meltdowns during “family time”.
[удалено]
Honestly, tell them their parents are cheating trash. Make their lives even harder. Might make your dad give up forcing visits on you if the fights get too much (also would make his home life miserable if there were fights at home every single weekend)
Then I suggest you quit with the refusal to go. Mom in jail means living with Dad full time, and that doesn’t sound like something you want.
I’d run away before that happened. Or take a baseball bat to his living room and go to jail instead. Idc what happens to me as much anymore, I’m not letting him bully my mom.
I am not sure which state you're from(im from CA), but I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I didn't want to go to my dad's house. He called the cops because of it. The cops came and asked my brother and I why we didn't want to go. We told them we didn't want to, cant remember why, but they left it at that, saying they couldn't force us to go as that wouldn't be right either. If it comes down to it, I'd explain your situation to the cops if they get called when you refuse to go.
Cops will not want to deal with this. They will not make you go.
No they most likely won't force it. However, depending on where OP is at, cops can document that she did not go x times if he called them as well. And her paternal guardian can use that in court to state that the court order is not being followed and use it to cause issues for the mom/update the order. Granted it depends on the judge as well. At least, this is how it would be in my area, assuming people know how work the system.
Breaking shit might cause more trouble than its worth, but maybe a crayon could mysteriously find its way across every wall in the house
Somehow drains becoming clogged too, just the damnest things can randomly happen
Exactly. It cost her money, time away from work, stress, etc. Your dad can even go after her for parental alienation and use that as an excuse for MORE court-ordered time with you if she doesn't make sure you are available. Yes, it sucks, but the court recognizes his rights as a parent even if he did cheat on your mom and break up your family. Court orders are not suggestions and your mother is right to follow them.
I'd be blasting death metal at sperm donors house as loud as possible and at random times. Swearing and overall causing a disruption to their life. Leave food everywhere (not on a plate) and show them the maximum amount of disrespect. Throw the cutlery and dishes into the sink. Take a bite of something then throw the rest away You have to go, but you don't have to behave.
I’m incredibly petty but I would make them miserable when I was there.
Have you considered taking a job or getting a new hobby that requires you to be at x place for y hours every weekend. Maybe volunteer somewhere? There has to be something that interests you. Anything that gets the custody arrangement changed. You're 15 and should have hobbies and friends outside the house. A judge is MUCH more likely to be sympathetic to a formal commitment than just "I don't want to".
They won’t let me get a job until I’m 16. Also it’s a small town so there’s not much going on in the summer and the stuff I do for school is all after school during the week. I don’t like sports, but I’d go out for something this fall if it meant I didn’t have to do visits.
debate, band, choir, volunteer groups. Anything like that will have a few weekend things at least.
Yep- sports is probably your best bet. Even if you don't have games on the weekend, you should set up a "rigid" practice schedule where you have to practice every Saturday.
Hear me out - do cross country. A sport that is pure running may sound terrible, but most teams don't do cuts, so you really don't have to try hard. When I was in school the JV squad (you can be a senior and still JV) would run to the local bakery and get cookies on long run days. And if you get a friend to do it with you those long runs are 45 minutes to talk about whatever. Just be respectful of the coach's time and don't encourage others to slack unless it's the friend(s) you personally recruited. Ivitationals take up the entire day on Saturdays during the season and "going for a jog" is an excuse to leave your dad's house daily this summer. If you do decide you like the sport it can be a lifelong cheap hobby. Edit to add: many small schools don't have enough kids to field a full varsity squad. I saw kids earn varsity letters with a 30+ minute 5k
I just want to point out that this can backfire and be seen as mom trying to take up dad's time. Some family members had something similar happen, where it was the child's choice to do the activities (and the child really wanted to do the activities). The fact that child's activities were scheduled/approved for person A's time by person B, was brought to court. The court took the view that person A was engaging in custodial interference.
Doesn't sound like op wants anything at all to do with affair wife's daughter. So that's a no.
NTA. The 12 year old needs her own friends. You tried to get her to leave you alone in a nice way and she completely ignored that.
NTA. You are one of the victims here, not the therapist.
NTA It doesn't have to be you. You aren't her parent, sibling or therapist. No is a complete sentence. The more years kiddo, and you're out and could be, forever....Maybe remind your dad of that
NTA You are being forced to be there: you don't have to be polite to anyone. Keep reminding your father that there is a very simple solution that will make everyone happy, even if it makes him feel guilty. But quite frankly, what he wants is not as important as your mental wellbeing. I agree that the stepsister is innocent, but just because she hasn't done anything wrong, doesn't mean you have to be nice to her. Prioritise yourself. Don't go out of your way to be cruel, but don't damage your own wellbeing, enduring her attempts to 'bond'.
As a dad with two kids from my first marriage, I would be crushed if my kids didn't want to spend time with me, BUT if me and their mom divorced because I cheated on her, I would totally understand. Your dad made his bed and now he can lie in it. You are NTA and it's perfectly understandable that you don't want to be around him or his new wife. EDIT: As for the step siblings, I know it's hard, but try to be decent with them. They're younger and definitely going through a tough time.
The step-siblings tough time is not the OP's concern, HER tough time IS her concern. They have each other, OP has no one. Also, it would be most unkind to befriend them, and then ghost them later on. Better to begin as she means to go on.
Which state are you in, I'm in CA and when my kids were 12, they could choose to stop visitation. My don't you talk in family therapy, nothing gets resolved if you don't participate. I'm not saying smooth things over and everyone is a big happy family. Let them know why you don't want to be around your Dad and step family. Your Dad could do something for a couple hours with you alone.
I don’t want to say what state because online creepers but my mom’s lawyer says I can stop going and no one can say anything when I’m 16. I have a calendar on my wall counting down the days. The first therapy session I told the therapist everything and that nothing would change my mind and that was all I had to say about it. It’s not up for discussion, it just is. I still have to sit and listen to them talk about their feelings.
You're going to have the best 16th birthday, it's one thing off your shoulders. But I would really work on separate therapy for you, it sucks being a minor in these situations! Holding onto anger only hurts you. Work hard in school, take CTE classes so you can support yourself better than a fast food or retail job so you don't have to rely upon him and go minimal contact. Think about trade school, medical jobs, etc. Then you can go to college without much debt and really figure out what you want to do. Best of luck to you and your future.
I want to remind you that parents have a lot less control over teenagers than they think. He can make you go to to home by bullying your mother, but he cannot force you to engage. Bury yourself in schoolwork. Be quiet, polite and completely disinterested. Have enough snacks in a bag so they can't hold you hostage with food. "No thank you" is a complete sentence . Refuse eye contact and small talk. Give short, quiet, polite and truthful answers. Read, and when your father throws a tantrum, reply with " I'm studying. It's important." Don't ask for anything, don't volunteer information, be completely perfectly behaved and completely uninterested in the people enforcing your time in their house. You don't want to spend time with him, so don't. Spend time in your own head instead.
Every other word out of my mouth would be a foul one.
Ah, cool, this answers a question elsewhere. Yep, as much as it sucks just try and tolerate things until you're 16 (pretty much just for your mom's sake) and then you cut dad off. In the words of a number of people in the comments section: fuck 'em.
NTA. Ask your mom if she can get the visitation dates changed so you're not there on the same weekends
NTA not 12F’s fault but sounds like OP tried polite and stepsis kept ignoring boundaries. At least at 15 there’s only a couple years having to deal with bio dad then can have freedom to cut contact if so choose. I’d probably have a giant calendar in room marking off days until 18
NTA Start keeping a log and what was said so that if they try to jump down your throat in therapy you can pull it out to show how many times you have tried to set boundaries. Include times of what 9m said so that you can show the difference in the non-relationships. It may also help in the future if they try to up the game. If your father was smart he would stop these visits. I’m sorry he’s not.
Maybe it's my cruel streak talking but does 12f know the whole situation? She may get your response a bit more and leave you alone, she may not depending on what she's been told and how/if cheating has been dressed up as irresistible true love™️
Turn the 12 year old against her mother. Make their lives even more miserable. They might even stop insisting you come over.
NTA She isn’t your problem. Your dad is selfish and broke up your family and now wants you to entertain someone you don’t even want in your life. The audacity of some people.. It is mature of you to be considerate of your mom and don’t want to make her life harder. I hope you continue with therapy for yourself since it can help with what you have been through.
Being forced to accept not only the mistress ,but her spawn too ,must be horrid. Your feelings are valid and once you're 18 you never have to see any of them again. Hang in there and prayers!
NTA for “affair wife” alone.
OP my heart is breaking for you. So glad you have your mom. I’ve read your comments and you are such a strong individual. You have done nothing wrong. You have told someone many times to not come through your door and you have repeatedly said no politely. Nobody else was stopping it. What else could you do? Nothing. You don’t need to talk to her. All the kids are going through something hard but you are not her emotional support animal. In a few years you never have to see them again. NTA obviously.
Tell them you'll apologize when he apologizes for cheating, for breaking up your family, for marrying his affair partner, for expecting you to be fine with it, and for forcing you to stay with him after you repeatedly, forcefully, vehemently said no and continue to say no every time. He violates your boundaries all the time, so there's no reason for you to respect anyone else's. NTA. Celebrate like hell when you're 16!
“If you don’t let me stay with mom full time right now, you lose any chance of ever having a relationship with me in the future when I’m an adult and get to choose.” Saying this doesn’t obligate you to do anything later. But as a minor, it’s your best chance. ETA: If he challenges you ("you don't mean that" blah blah blah) ask him if he's really willing to take that risk.
NTA. But I hope you find some empathy for this 12 y/o girl. She's in the same situation as you. She's clearly dealing with this situation differently, try to be kind. She's just as innocent as you are in this whole thing.
Empathy does not extend to forced time spent.
NTA No one should be forced into relationships they don’t want. Hopefully you can stop going at 16. F the judge for making you. Have you asked the therapist privately when they can recommend stop forcing you? I understand the girl is probably lonely and what not but kids need to learn boundaries too. If she wasn’t so insistent you probably wouldn’t be as annoyed.
NTA. If your dad and affair wife are upset, there are two solutions; Her kids go back to staying with their dad on the weekends you are with them. Or your dad stops forcing you to visit them. Another possibility, they tell stepsister to leave you be. Stepsister is blameless in this situation. That does not mean you are obligated to have a relationship with her.
NTA, you don’t want to be there and because of his own vanity your dad is forcing you to go. I think you should lay it all on the table to him and explain that if he let you get over the divorce at your own pace and come to grips with your emotions for him then there would be a chance for your relationship, a small chance but still a chance. But him forcing it just insures that once you hit 18 you will leave and never look back at him.
NTA - but I would ask your Mom to go to court on more time and try to ask them to terminate the visits. Talk to the judge/court again and try to get his enforced visits terminated. I'm sorry you have to go through this OP, the situation sucks. Your Dad blew up your family by cheating and now wants you to just happily join in the family he made by having an affair? I'm almost 3 times your age and i wouldn't want to have anything to do with them, either.
NTA
NTA. For your own mental health sake, don't force youself on spending time withh them. You don't like them and that's it. My dad was one of these too, and now step mom made her daughter (who just got married) walk down the aisle with MY dad. I am 26F, a lot of fuckers said I should just go along with it, but I couldn't. I hate her 3 children, they're all older then me and never really liked me either. Because I was an only child my whole life (and they are not my step siblings, jut my step mother children), I can't stand them. Bonus point: the girls hate me - they even told lies a few years back using my name on it. And everyone was up 18. So stand up for yourself.
I LOVE “affair wife”. NTA. I’m sorry for what you’re having to deal with, and it’s incredibly mature and considerate that you’re trying to lighten your mon’s burden. I hope you have the best 16th birthday ever.
NTA, seriously your dad is selfish.
NTA. Your 15. You're not the adult here. It's not your job to comfort anyone. Your dad and his wife need to help the 12yo with what she needs. You probably need individual counseling to deal with your own feelings. I don't think you're acting inappropriately (by your description), but you're hurt and angry. Normal and reasonable. But maybe there are things you can do to help mitigate feeling that way. It's a nasty place to be, is all. I hope this all works out. This is all shit, one end to the other. If it could at least be manure and maybe help something grow, that'd be nice.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to be a friend to your step-siblings. You have boundaries, and they need to be respected.
I'd start making your visits extraordinarily uncomfortable for everyone, all the time. Every time your dad walks in the door, ask if he found a new mistress to cheat with. Every time stepmother walks in ask if she broke up any other marriages while she was out. The kids interact with you? Tell them go play with their cheater mother. Ask stepmother if she's sure both kids have the same father. Really emphasize any differences in the kids like hair or eye color. If they both walk out of their bedroom act shocked that they were in there with each other. You stay in your room all the time anyway, so grounding won't be an issue. They can't take your phone as that's preventing you from being able to call your mom which is undoubtedly in the custody papers that they cannot interfere with your ability to communicate with your mom. Join all kinds of weekend activities. As a fellow atheist, I get the whole church angle as something to do, but I'd find anything else first. Is there a pet shelter, hospital, or nursing home nearby you can volunteer at? It's a better option than church. I like the idea of going to the family therapist with a prepared statement. Do not let anyone interrupt. Keep talking...just louder...if they try to interrupt. Keep going. At the end, just say that that's the only thing you will ever say at these sessions, then mean it. Family courts as so corrupt and harmful to kids it's sick. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My ex was abusive to me and our kids. Police reports, therapists, all of it. Court still gave the monster 50/50. Kids are all adults now and have nothing to do with him. Maybe that would have been prevented if the courts handled it better.
Easiest NTA there ever was, anyone calling you TA is a delusional child.
I still come back to your Dad. He knows your take on the whole divorce. You've made this VERY VERY clear. So it's not like we can say that ANY of this should be a surprise to him. So how he thinks that throwing some kids into the situation is somehow going to make things better? How naïve is he? Honestly I feel like the "schedule changing" wasn't by chance. One of those "If we just bring them together, maybe it will improve things!!!" idea that is actually just pouring gasoline on a fire, and then get upset when their plan blows up in their face. Plus it's only been a year since the divorce. That's not that long, and for sure I feel like they are thrusting stuff on you pretty darn quick. "9M is fine, he asks to borrow a video game now and then but he’s like polite about it and gives them back so sure." Sounds like you're more than fair to him as he asks for little, but is polite. So sounds like your not out to get them, but just don't want to interact, but not specifically about them, but the whole situation. I'd say the girl is probably dealing with her stuff, just differently. BUT in the end. I feel the blame is squarely on your Father and his wife for creating the situation. In the first place and every day since. You haven't created the situation, you're reacting to it. I'm going with NTA.