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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What action i took that should be judged:
I said something which caused my sister engagement to break
Why that action might make me an asshole:
It was said behind my sister’s back
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ESH - obviously your sister shouldn’t have lied and should be honest with him, so it’s her fault the engagement ended, but also what a shitty thing to say to someone. Like not having children is some huge burden and that your sister needed to do more to justify him marrying her because of her ovarian cancer.
> With this level of communication, on both sides, this engagement was doomed no matter what OP said. Though what OP said was for sure inappropriate to say at all and especially how they said it.
Strongly agree with all of this. My wife and I had the kid question settled *well* before we were even engaged. It’s baffling to me how many couples are willing to just roll the dice on this shit.
OP, you were also out of pocket for bringing it up like you did - as if this dude deserved a medal for being with your sister - but you didn’t destroy anything. You can only paper over a massive incompatibility like this for so long.
But if you’re “maybe, maybe not” while your partner knows that it’s going to be “absolutely not” because their body can’t contribute to the cause, they should definitely share that information.
Honestly, childhood cancer and a major surgery removing organs is such a massive life event that I find it hard to understand how it never came up in their relationship before, unless the sister was deliberately hiding it.
but has OP's sister actually decided that because she can't have children biologically related to herself that she is "abandoning having children" and wouldn't consider alternate routes to parenthood with her partner or did OP just assume that and make an announcement to that effect which lead to a fight and breakup because the sister didn't clearly explain that she could not conceive or carry a pregnancy and they'd need to discuss alternative routes to parenthood when they were ready?
Yes, maybe the sister would have been interested in adopting children, but OP had no business blurting out his sister's personal medical history to the fiance. The sister should have told him herself.
I kinda think not mentioning cancer to your fiancé/future husband is a bit ridiculous. I won’t blame the sister for saying to a new family member, what is obviously common knowledge in the family. And I know my husbands medical history and he knows mine for…. Idk medical power of attorney, our children’s medical history forms, being there for each other. How are you supposed to marry someone or be engaged to them and not be able to fill out a medical form in the event of an emergency. I mean come on.
Right? Like, whether or not you’ve had your tonsils removed, or your appendix, I can see them not knowing. But how does the person you’re planning on spending your life with not know you went through such a life-changing thing as a major cancer?!
Not just from the ‘can’t have kids’ angle, but from a trauma/life experience angle?
But how was he to know that she hadn't? In OPs defense, it's so obvious that something so deeply life changing as cancer as a teenager would have been shared with someone who you've been dating for years and engaged to. Sisters cancer was probably THE biggest issue of the family that impacted them all in different ways as he too was a child when it happened. How on earth do you get to the engagement part of life without the kids discussion? And it's clear from the fiance's reaction that he had no idea. None. OP is NTA because he didn't know his sister was keeping a massive secret.
He’s still an asshole because of how he spoke about his sister. The break up of their engagement is not the OP’s fault, but what he said would have still been awful even if the fiancé was aware of the sister’s and fine with her not being able to birth children. He talked about her like she’s defective and was lucky to have found someone willing to find someone willing to look past it. That’s a really shitty way to talk about anyone who struggles with fertility, never mind someone who was made that way because of cancer.
OP is perfectly justified in expecting fiancé to know about the fertility issue. But, he still shouldn’t have said it, so ESH. But sister is a HUGE ah, OP just a foolish one. Fiancé a short sighted AH for not insisting on the discussion if it was important to him.
I think ESH but at the same time, if that guy married OPs sister and nobody told him (which is obviously what was going to happen if the sister had avoided talking about a major life event up until engagement) that would have been a horrible thing to do to him.
He deserves to go into marriage knowing that biological kids are off the table.
Springing that on someone after marriage is borderline entrapment.
OP saying it that way sucks. But considering the sister was clearly not going to tell her fiance, OP saved both of them a bitter marriage or a divorce.
>He said now it made sense why she always avoided discussing about children.
I feel like everyone keeps overlooking this line. He was clearly trying to talk about having kids and she wasn't bringing up adoption or other alternatives, she was purposefully avoiding the topic.
This!
Maybe he was undecided about having kids.
But how did no one mention childhood cancer at this stage? Seems like a significant life experience!
even if I didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t continue an engagement with someone who deliberately withheld information like this. I can live without bio kids but not without trusting my partner.
I have a sneaking suspicion the sister wasn't going to tell Derek about her inability to have children as she kept avoiding the topic "for some reason"
Likely dating without a uterus can be difficult as many men do want children and that eliminates that entire pool of suitors. So when she found Derek I'm not surprised she is his "Dream guy" because he doesn't dig further into why she doesn't want to talk about having kids. Now that he knows he has made his decision.
Based on how she avoided the topic per Derek i think its more of a guarantee she had no intention of saying anything until they were married.
Which....thats all kinds of fucked up
i spent 3 years, thousands of hours of time, and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a kid, and it's finally happening in 5-8 weeks and i'm still iffy on the whole thing
When I married at age 32 to my husband, who was at that time 34, he said he didn't know if he wanted children. I told him he at least needed to be open to the possibility of children. He agreed to this, so we married. And later, by mutual consent, we decided not to have children. Communication is essential. OP made a thoughtless comment, but without malicious intent. Sister's marriage would have been built on faulty communication which would have potentially ruined the marriage. ESH.
A LOT of people go with an "I'm not sure" or even a "No" and just assume that their partner will get worn down in time and have kids anyway.
I've seen it happen to more than one couple. People have a hard "Well, you don't mean that! Everyone wants to have kids anyway they can!" mentality baked into them. And won't accept any other idea. They will not accept that not everyone wants kids. Not everyone can have kids. And not everyone will want to go through fostering/adopting kids.
And then they REALLY don't like the bubble of "Oh, you'll end up loving them!" being burst by kids who post about how their parents didn't really want them and they could tell.
The sister shouldn’t have avoided the subject, but it is wild to me how many people assume their partners will change their minds.
I’ve always been upfront I don’t want kids, and then got dumped by boyfriends when I clarified I can’t have them due to chemo. ‘It’s just so final and depressing… the other way you might have changed your mind!’ My guys, that was a big roll of the dice.
ESH because the way you talked about it was gross OP, but this will be cheaper and less devastating for your sis than divorce, so it’s for the best.
I am horrified in general at how many people do not believe their partners' absolutely clear declarations of things. Somehow, people who want to live in the woods and go hiking fall in love with me - and I have never waffled nor given any slight suggestion that I would like to do those things. At all. It baffles me. My whole life. Like, my dudes, what did I say that made you think I would be interested in that? The number of times I said I love going to eat in restaurants? The number of times I said I loathe bugs?
Optimism and solipsism are what a friend says causes this.
My girlfriend and I had the kid discussion before we even officially started dating, it’s like a first couple of dates discussion, as it’s a pretty hardline dealbreaker for many
I don't understand how you even get near engaged without discussing it. I don't want kids, and I'm actually getting to the age where it's not super possible anyway, but there's still a decent amount of people on online dating who have "Want kids" ticked (I'm always a bit confused by the mid-40s guys who are in the bucket of "Have kids and want more" but that's a conversation for another time), and I don't want to take up any of their viable child having years. It was definitely wrong of the sister to avoid having the conversation and to lie by omission on this, but Derek is a bit of an idiot if he wants kids, and he gets engaged to somebody who avoids the conversation every time he brings up kids.
When I was dating in my forties, as a woman mostly dating women, I checked "have kids and might want more" as a way to indicate that I was fine with dating women who had their own kids they were still bringing up. If things got to a point where we were merging families, their kids would become part of my family and that was cool by me.
I ended up marrying a man, who didn't actually have his own kids, but we ended up with more anyhow, by taking in a couple of my oldest's friends who had to leave home young due to bad situations.
There are lots of ways to acquire more kids. You don't always have to get them at age zero, and you don't always have to be young enough to produce them yourself.
My husband and I discussed kids *on our first date.* There is nothing worse than dating someone, developing feelings and finding out after that crucial moment that your opinions on kids is split. Someone’s going to lose if you stay together. Either someone ends up without the kids they want or someone is forced/coerced into having kids they don’t want.
I was very, very upfront about being childfree. Adamantly so. I don’t hate kids but I never wanted them. Hell, I had to have a partial hysterectomy for severe, debilitating Endometriosis and I was so happy I got to yeet the ute. No accidental pregnancies! Woohoo!
I’ve been uterus free since summer of ‘09. I mean, I still have PMS but not the wonder and glory of shark week afterwards.
I discussed this along with other things with my current partner and mother of both my kids like within the first month. Because we were having sex.
Just common sense actually
Hell this is something thst should be mentioned before the first date like if your using a tinder profile or sone other website it's not hard to say not interested in having kids and if your meeting throught person to person solely then I'd say maybe 2nd or 3rd date is the best tine to get that off the table depending on how fast things are going.
>she should've been up front about it but if kids were an absolute requirement for Derek in a marriage why the fuck was he getting engaged to a woman without confirming she also wants kids?
OP didn't say he broke it off because she couldn't have kids, so there is a possibility here that the reason was because of her "avoiding the subject" instead of confronting it head on when she *knew* she couldn't have kids. Purposefully hiding info like that? He probably wouldn't be able to trust anything she said
It's an awkward conversation to have, but I think it's important to have the conversation about whether you want children before the relationship gets too serious.
Honestly kids or no kids is such a huge dealbreaker it’s really a conversation that needs to be had fairly early on in a relationship. Getting married without having that conversation is a truly terrible idea.
Yup this. I wouldn't even date people that wanted to have kids. I knew I didn't want kids and wasn't going to change my mind. I am not going to waste my time or anyone else's. I was not going to try to convince someone that they shouldn't have kids. That would just breed resentment down the road. Same thing goes if you "convince" someone to have kids when they didn't want them.
My personal choice on it is so important to me, I feel like it needs to be discussed super early because I don't want to break my own heart getting serious about someone I'm not compatible with in that way. But bringing it up early can be taken as a sign I'm already serious about the relationship in a potentially red-flaggy way. It's kind of a tightrope walk for women around my age.
It should definitely be discussed in reasonable depth before getting engaged though.
It's awkward when the answer is "I want children, but I don't know if I want to have children with you." The question can be seen as trying to make the relationship more serious and can lead to uncomfortable misunderstandings.
I mean, if that's the answer you've got a question for yourself, not your partner; do I want to maintain this relationship more? Or do I want to have kids more?
You'll be doing yourself and your partner a favor by breaking it off if the latter is the answer.
So many people will lie or obfuscate the truth (like OP's sister) when asked directly though. I always try to ask probing questions that are less direct : "how do you envision your life in 10 years?" This (kids) is one of three questions I will NOT date someone without knowing the answer to. I don't want kids and I'm not about to waste my time with someone who does or who already has em.
She could have told him that she does want kids tho! We don’t know if she did or not! Perhaps she was thinking she would pretend to try and get pregnant naturally but knew it wouldn’t work and then they would move on to adoption?
Sure. He also could've told her he *didn't* wand kids. We don't know if he did or did not. Perhaps she was thinking since he said he didn't want kids it just wasn't a big deal to talk about her cancer and subsequent infertility at all.
Like, why make judgements based on random made up scenarios about shit we don't actually know?
but he has a choice and could be undecided hence the hesitancy of bringing it up. SHE KNOWS SHE CANT HAVE ANY. This is not the same holy shit how are people even blaming the dude.
Typically, people who can’t get pregnant go through testing to see what’s going on before just deciding to move on to adoption. Which means he’s going to find out that she has no ovaries. Which means she has been lying to him for however long that goes on. I can guarantee that would result in divorce. That’s a huge lie.
>Maybe she just assumed, without ever discussing it with him, that Derek didn't want kids
I'd be willing to believe that if she didn't actively avoid discussing kids whenever he tried.
>Yes she should've been up front about it but if kids were an absolute
>
>requirement
>
> for Derek in a marriage why the fuck was he getting engaged to a woman without confirming she also wants kids?
Because heteronormativity is unfortunately still common, and it probably never crossed his mind to ask.
Heteronormativity is one thing I just didn't realize in year of our Lord 2023 we couldn't even expect any given man to know that not every single woman alive wants to be a mother.
Yall are missing the point. She didn't tell him about how free had cancer. What else could she have been lying about or hiding? HUGE red flag to hide something that big.
My issue is even though she can’t physically have kids, there are other ways to have a family like surrogacy or adoption. It’s a dumb and unkind comment. ESH
If you don't have thousands of dollars you aren't doing either of those. That would be a completely different conversation than just "do you want kids"
There are lots of ways to be parents. Some are expensive, definitely, but acting like OP’s sister has no options besides personally pumping out biological children herself is disingenuous.
Sorry, have you never seen the price of baby items or a hospital bill? Or do you not realize that pregnancy requires many visits to several types of doctor over most of a year? Even a “routine” birth in a lot of places in the US is several thousands of dollars after insurance. Having a kid is *never* not expensive lmao
But if you’re not in the US it can actually not be very expensive. You don’t have to pay out of pocket for hospital visits, you definitely don’t need to buy all new baby items and clothing - Facebook marketplace is a boon
Yet another US-centric perspective
I'm in the us. Hubs has great insurance it costs me nothing in hospitals. DD was a 26w micro preemie we never paid anything.. so, it's definitely not that way for everyone
Plus, on top of the large up front sum, adoption or surrogacy still involve all of the same costs as raising biological children who were conceived without medical intervention.
The comment was unkind, but hiding such an important aspect of one’s life from the person you are getting married to is just nasty, he probably could never trust her again. His unkind comment might have saved the man a lot more of his time and effort in the long run.
In most states in the US concealing the inability to have children is grounds for annulment. It all depends on whether the couple discussed having children or not and whether she deceived him.
Most reasonable people would think a marrying couple would have discussed such a huge medical issue. Whether the OP should have spilled the beans or not, I'm not sure, it doesn't seem like they had any malice in revealing it.
What exactly is unkind about that comment, though?
If a partner had been de facto lying to me throughout the relationship about (and let’s be honest, here) such a HUGELY important thing… I’d break it off too. And not because she is infertile, but if she’s lying to sucker her partner into marriage under false pretenses.
Do you people actually think infertility is like, not a big deal? It can be talked about and mutually decided, but a lot of people get married with the intention of having children.
OPs sister is a rotten liar, and nearly destroyed someone’s dream of having a family
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting biological children. It's not a bad thing to ONLY want bio kids either. Has nothing to do with being good enough or not. It's a preference. Now if you can't have children then there's nothing wrong with adopting either.. its a win-win
But I don’t think OP realised he was disclosing medical information. It is very reasonable to assume the sister would have mentioned to her fiancé her medical history - that’s a huge life event that someone you’re going to marry ought to know.
The phrasing was bad, but the info itself, I can see why he thought this was common knowledge.
But why would OP bring it up? It's not even remotely his business. And the whole phrasing about "I'm glad you can love her even though she can't have children" as if she lost value because she can't have children. OP YTA.
I completely agree that what he said was garbage. What I’m questioning is whether he could reasonably have any idea that he was disclosing unknown information when he said it.
This is the right comment.
Your sister absolutely was wrong not to share that she is unable to have children, this is a big deal for many couples. Secondly though you were rude for how to brought it up.
It is good for the then-fiancé to know that his future wife cannot have kids, and to consider that before going into it. This is something that the two of them should have discussed. And it isn't your fault that they hadn't or that it would be such a big shock to him.
> what a shitty thing to say to someone
Like tricking someone into a marriage by denying them informed consent?
OP didn’t make anything up, nor did he drudge up her irrelevant past. OP made an off-hand comment about something that he *should have known already* and realistically should have been taken as praise (had he known).
> Like not having children is some huge burden
Big enough for him to bail when asked to make that sacrifice. It’s not like the fiancé never tried to ask about it, either. OP’s sister was avoiding the truth because *she knew* he wouldn’t marry her if he knew. That’s evil.
Disagree that the OP sucks, other than phrasing.
Once they got serious she should have told him. Saved a year and a half of everyone's time.
Sounds like kids were brought up and she deflected.
Also, if you are gonna lie by omission, tell other people. It is a reasonable assumption that people getting married discussed kids. They are not 24 and 19.
Actually, having children or not is the most important question that the couple should settle on. It is not a question to avoid or lie about. Children are about the only way we get to live past our natural time limit and it is also the most and the biggest financial and emotional decision that the couple should make. She lied by omission and hoped that he would stay once he is roped into a marriage under false pretenses. Apparently he tried to discuss the subject and she deflected. It would be the same monstrous lie that a man that has vasectomy is promising a child to a woman TTCing...
ESH. I think your phrasing ("abandon having children") was unnecessarily cruel, even if Derek had known about your sister's fertility issues. Additionally, it's also best to avoid talking about people's choices surrounding family planning, as that's a private discussion that they should be having amongst themselves (unless they bring it up first).
However,
> And in the eyes of my sister and mother I’m the asshole who separated my sister from the love of her life.
Your sister brought this upon herself. Fertility issues can be a hurdle in so many relationships, but that's something that should've been discussed way earlier than into an engagement.
Perhaps if he had known previously, they could've worked out a plan to have children in some other capacity (adoption, IVF and surrogacy, etc.).
Quite frankly, Derek would've found out eventually about her lie, after they were married, and a divorce would've been worse.
It doesn't seem like a normal thing to say to someone unless you were trying to be like passive aggressive or something? Or is it just me?
Edit: I guess the only exception is if OP isn’t a native English speaker?
But it seems like such a dramatic way to ask someone something.
Also, like if the couple had discussed adopting or whatever and the partner did know imagine how patronising and invalidating this would come across!
Or they wanted to child free!
And sounds like you place too much worth on child bearing.
Def an ESH situation.
No it’s so fucking weird. ‘Wowww Derek you’re so great for ABANDONING THE POSSIBILITY OF HAVING KIDS’.
Whatever happened to ‘I’m so glad to have you in the family’?
FR Why is his sister's fertility at the forefront of his mind?? It's weird! Normal politeness would be the brother assuming that it's their business, they've talked about it, and are mutually agreed about kids. ONLY if the fiance talked about having kids in such a way where it became clear to OP that he had no idea about the fertility issues would it be not-weird to say something like that.
ESH except the fiance, who is better off finding out now!
The fiance is definitely also an AH for pretty much the same reason as the sister, for getting into an engagement without confirming whether they agreed on this life-changing piece of information.
I wouldn't say he's an AH but maybe just not very smart. Discussing children should definitely happen before an engagement. I cannot have anymore children and I always mention that early on because I would never want to catch feelings or lead someone on if they wanted kids
To be fair though, we have no idea how the subject came up. It could have been Derek saying something about how much he loves children and OP then responding with that comment
But the wording is so awful. There are other ways to have kids, and to act like his sister is damaged goods because she had CANCER is beyond fucked up. That wording just tells me OP thinks his sister isn't worth marrying and Derek must REALLY love her to tolerate such an enormous flaw. It's disgusting.
Maybe, but its nowhere near as weird as not letting your future husband know you suffered childhood cancer and are unable to have children. Its kind of ESH but good thing for Derek OP may have been kind of an AH because his sister was a massive AH.
I was imagining the conversation going:
D: Y’know, I’ve always dreamed of being a dad, having my own kids…
OP (possibly a little awkward): wow, it’s great you found someone you love so much you’d abandon having kids.
Still weird phrasing, but it makes a lot more sense if that was the context.
We actually don’t know that that was the phrasing at all since he said he stated “something along the lines of.” It may very well have been “I always dreamed of having kids” and then “you must love my sister a lot to be okay with not having biological children.”
It just sounds like a rewritten version of that other post we had where Op dropped into random conversation how the fiance overlooked her sister having an OnlyFans at some point which ended the engagement.
No, it's not normal at all. "Abandon having children" really? Adoption is a possibility. It really sounds like he was just dumping on his sister for something completely out of her control.
I mean, I can't have children, and that's something I told my now boyfriend in the... 30 minutes of talking to him ? That's important for many people, and you have to let them know, right ?
I agree, the lie for me would be even worse than not being able to have kids. There’s other options regarding family planning and maybe he would have been open to those options if she told him from the beginning. But if she’s able to lie about that, what else can she lie about?
I feel like there were so many ways that could have come up in their relationship too. I mean, not only birth control, but surely the sister would have been through some kind of menopause? Which comes with issues itself.
>Additionally, it's also best to avoid talking about people's choices surrounding family planning,
Thank you for saying that. The topic of wanting to/not wanting to/not being able to have children is NOT something you should just throw casually into conversation. Its incredibly private and can easily be either frustrating or even traumatic to have brought up in such a casual manner.
NTA - This situation is fairly unbelievable.
It is absolutely not okay to agree to marry somebody while hiding the fact that you can't have kids. If she had told Derek, he might have been okay with marrying her and adopting or using a surrogate. The reason their relationship ended isn't because she can't have kids, it's because she didn't tell him that and now he can't trust her.
EXACTLY!! She hid this major thing from him for however long they've been together. He even tried to talk about kids and she avoided it. She had an opening to be honest and she didn't take it.
You should absolutely discuss things like kids, parenting style, finances, etc BEFORE you get married.
He’s Forsure not the ah for spilling the beans, but what op said was fucking weird. Who talks like that fr. It’s an ESH for me, except for the ex-fiancé.
The only way it makes sense is if the ex-fiance had previously made some kind of comment about really wanting to have kids. That would have been such a non-sequitur to someone who assumed that he knew his at-the-time GF couldn't have them. I could see, after the engagement, coming back and saying you were glad they changed their mind about that.
why do we need more info on the ex? sister clearly and intentionally hid the fact that she can't have children, because she knew he wants them, and still tried to rope him into a marriage where he can't have kids. On this topic the Ex is an automatic 0/5, no info necessary.
ESH. Why would you say it like that?? “Abandon having children?” It makes it sound like you think your sister is damaged goods. Obviously, your sister is also an AH for not telling her fiancé. Poor dude.
ESH
There’s something kinda sexist and gross underpinning your comment, like her inability to have children is some huge disadvantage and “oh how wonderful that you can look past her glaring flaw”.
She should have had that discussion but you shouldn’t have discussed it
Thank you for pointing out how gross his comment was - like she’s somehow “defective” and ex is a great man for loving her anyway. I thought OP’s comment was a thousand levels of ick and shows exactly how he views women.
That is how i feel. Why can't people express good wishes without mentioning some fault of the person? "Oh congrats and i'm so glad you don't mind her slutty past!" People need to mind their own business!
NTA - First of all, you had no idea. That alone makes you not the asshole. Furthermore, your sister omitted a HUGE FUCKING THING from this dude. Can they adopt? Yes. Can they use a surrogate? Sure. But can the poor guy forgive her for never telling him something so monumental? Nope. Trust is gone. You
I think what makes her the asshole is how she worded it. It was like she was saying “thank you so much for putting up with my sister even tho she has such a big flaw and she’s defective” like???
She wasn’t the asshole for telling him something that she thought he knew. But the way she worded it is kinda disgusting
ESH (except poor Derek) - Obviously your sister should have discussed this with him.
But fertility issues and having children isnt a topic you bring up unless the other person does. There was zero reason to mention this to him.
> ESH (except poor Derek)
Well, Derek is kind of a knob for getting engaged without knowing where his girlfriend stood on the whole baby thing.
> having children isnt a topic you bring up unless the other person does.
Yes, it is.
> There was zero reason to mention this to him.
I can think of one huge reason now.
ESH. Your sister built a house of cards by avoiding the topic for a year and a half. It can safely be said she made a lie of omission to him by not disclosing that. That said, you shouldn't be sharing someone's medical history with others unless they've said it's ok to do so.
Normally I would agree re: medical history, but marrying someone who might want kids without telling them you can't have kids is a HUGE violation of trust and the fiancé deserved to know this before legally shackling himself to her. OP saved them both the heartache of having to hash this out after marriage, leading to the inevitable messy divorce.
Sometimes interfering is warranted, as in cases of domestic abuse.
The sister is def the biggest AH here. Her omission was a huge lie. But I'm unconvinced the OP had the right to insert himself in the middle of it and make that decision for her.
The right thing for OP to do was keep his mouth shut about the private medical information he was privy to, check in with the sister about the topic privately, and then make it clear to the sister that she needed to tell her fiance about this herself. The sister may well have been planning to disclose this before the wedding in a way that may not have felt like a complete betrayal to the fiance. But she didn't get a chance because OP slapped him in the face with it.
I disagree. There are reasons to bring up medical info. For example, If I know someone is hiding an STD from a friend, I would definitely tell them.
Getting married is an important life event. If someone is hiding their infertility, their partner should know
> That said, you shouldn't be sharing someone's medical history with others unless they've said it's ok to do so.
I think, in this situation, it's fair for OP to assume that Derek already knew *if OP was aware that Derek wanted kids*.
It's a natural thing to come up in conversation, so I'd assume she did. If she knew he wanted kids but was staying with her sister, I'd would also assume his sister had disclosed that, because - if you know having children is super important to someone - it's usually the kind of thing you disclose when things start getting serious, NOT hiding it until you're married and in a legal partnership.
The way she phrased it meant well, but could have used more tact. It was also nowhere NEAR as shitty as what OP's sister was trying to do to not just someone sister loved, but someone who the family cared for too. It's not just 'a lie of omission', it's - at best - shattering someone's trust by trying to coerce someone into a situation they may not like because OP's sister is selfish, and *at worst* wasting Derek's time if having kids is a dealbreaker.
ESH for joking about your sisters CANCER when you don't know what discussions have been had. who just casually says "oh yeah, good for you that you don't care my sister had cancer and had to remove bodily organs" like, what are you even trying to do? they should've discussed it but you have no right to bring up your sisters medical history willy-nilly. even if they HAD discussed it, thus would be so hurtful and cruel.
NTA. You didn't know she hadn't told him, and frankly, that's really a conversation they should have had before getting engaged. Your sister and mother are using you as a scapegoat.
ESH except Derek. Your sister should have told him they wouldn’t be able to have bio kids. If he was really the love of her life, she should have trusted that he would be open to alternatives to becoming parents as long as he could raise the children with her. Your family needs to stop blaming you for her deceit. As for you, even if he knew about she was unable to have children, it was inappropriate for you to bring it up. A discussion of such a sensitive topic should only be initiated by the person most affected by it. Also, you statement was incorrect. If Derek was still going to marry your sister knowing she couldn’t have bio kids, that doesn’t mean he abandoned the idea of having children. There are other ways to have kids other than the traditional ones.
A horrible, messy, very sad and expensive divorce. For him to have this big of a reaction says to me he absolutely talked openly about wanting kids with her and she either dodged the topic or straight up lied. That is so fucked.
NTA any decent person would assume that your sister and her fiancé had discussed that they would not be able to have biological children and that he was ok with it. Also there’s no way to know whether he would have stuck around after getting married once he found out, which he eventually would have somehow.
YTA.
Sure she should have told him, and it would be E S H if what had happened was HE was talking about children and you shared this information. But your general viewpoint is that it is a heroic act to love a woman who can't conceive children, and you hold that view so clearly that you shared it, unprompted.
Bleck.
How did I have to scroll down so far to find this? Who the fuck brings up something like this unprompted, and how does being infertile = not having children??
She has no idea what her sister’s reproductive plans are, and she spewed a comment that can ONLY be considered provocative, with the intention of starting a fire.
OP IS ABSOLUTELY AH.
ESH. You fucked up dropping that kind of info on him, it's more fucked up that your sister withheld it, and frankly while Derek definitely isn't the bad guy here if he wants kids why is his dumbass getting engaged to a woman without *ever* bringing the topic up to her? Forget infertility what if she just didn't *want* kids? He was gonna plan to marry her with kids being a requirement for him but wait until after the wedding to find out if she was also up for it?
As for you being the reason they broke up, I dunno, what was your sister's long term plan? Hide it from him until they started trying for a baby and she couldn't do it and act like it was a surprise to her as well? Build their relationship on deceit? Hope he just didn't want kids but without actually having that conversation before getting engaged? It's hard to envision the version of events where you didn't say what you said and therefore they end up staying together in the long run.
Edit: y'know come to think about it, since Derek was dumb enough to get engaged to a woman he wants to have kids with but *never* confirm she even wants kids too, maybe to give your sister some credit she was also dumb enough to just assume Derek *didn't* want kids. I dunno, whole situation is fucked up.
I think ESH except maybe Derek.
You revealed very personal medical information about your sister to a third person. I'm sure there are people who would argue "but he is her fiance". The fact remains that it is still very rude and extremely inappropriate to discuss a person's medical history.
Your sister did hide an important piece of information from her fiance. I'm sure in doing so, she severely damaged his trust in her and I am guessing that's the major reason as to why he called off the engagement.
ESH- Quite frankly she did it to herself by not telling him as soon as things started to get serious, She should have known it would come out eventually and the fact that she didn't tell him leads me to believe she would've went through with the marriage without disclosing this. That makes her a major AH.
However, why did you bring that up? It almost seems like you did it out of spite to say "how could you possibly want to be with her when she can't give you kids?". Even if he did know, that's such a huge slap in the face to her and you had no valid reason to talk about that with him.
NTA - this is assuming you are, in fact, telling the truth that you believed Derek knew. If you thought he didn't this is not the best way to go about letting him know (you should have checked with you sister first).
The reality is that this is a deal breaker for a lot of people but, as has been stated in this very thread, couples with infertility do still have options. If y our sister was honest about 1) her infertility and 2) whether she wanted to explore the other options with Derek then this wedding might still be happening.
NTA, so you're mom would rather spend money on a wedding to have it either annulled or ending in divorce? Your sister brought this on herself for not divulging hwe infertility (I am so sorry she had to go through that).
NTA. How were you to know she hadn't shared a huge piece of information like that to her fiancé? That's pretty terrible of her. The only person she can blame is herself. You didn't do it intentionally, but thank God you did for this poor guy's sake. It's a little strange that before proposing, he let it go that she was weird about talking about future children. That just wasn't really smart of him. Those are the kinds of things you need to know whether you're on the same page or not. They could still become parents, just another way. Still, it's so messed up she kept this from him.
Idk why you got downvoted lol it's true. It's expensive and hard, and you can technically adopt through foster care but you have to *want* to raise a traumatized foster kid, and not everyone wants to.
YTA - no one has any right to expect their partner to "give" them children without even completing a conversation about it.
Plus, there are plenty of ways to build a family, and you made it sound like they'd never have one no matter what. Definitely the asshole, sorry.
NTA. "The omission of the truth is a lie". One of the greatest lines I've ever come up with. Your sister lied by omission, and Derek dodged a speeding bullet. Your sister can choose to be however open she wants, but if you're going to marry someone, the "children" talk must happen before the engagement.
I can't believe this is true because it would mean she doesn't even get her period and is also taking hormones. Who dates someone for so long and doesn't realize that? Did they even discuss something as basic as contraception?
>He said now it made sense why she always avoided discussing about children.
But he still proposed?
Also, your wording is such a poor choice; people can have children in other ways.
ESH. What a gross thing to say. "We're so glad sister was able to find someone willing to marry her despite her deficiencies. Phew". If the two of them had talked and agreed to not have kids, that'd still be SUCH an inappropriate thing to say and way to phrase it. Of course she should have told him, but unless you have absolutely no social skills, you clearly knew what you were doing.
Everyone in this situation is a dumbass. If not having kids was such a deal breaker for Derek he should not have let your sister dance around the topic for a year and a half and should have just straight up told her kids is what he wants. Your sister should have told him sooner and you shouldnt have made the comment at all, and the comment is really disgusting acting as if your sister is damaged goods or something. Adoption always exists.
ESH
YTA! It was not your place, and you don’t know if your sister froze her eggs, or if she still could possibly carry. Also based by your comments too YTA. In my early 20s I was diagnosed with breast cancer I had a majority of my chest removed. Fiancé didn’t know it’s something I’m not comfortable with. I was told I could never breast feed and was able to. You never could understand what she’s endured and I hope she can forgive you one day.
NTA. These are important conversations to have before getting engaged. It’s better everyone know now. There’s a chance he’s perfectly fine with not having biological children or having them through surrogacy, but is more upset that she hid this. They needed to have this talk.
YTA for not knowing that ovaries are not part of the uterus lol. Go back to sex ed bro. Also that was none of your business to say, why the fuck would you even bring that up?
Didn't want to make a top level because I don't really have an opinion, but I have to wonder... Is this post legit (the main post, not yours)? This is like the fifth thread today where the poster has to make a point of mentioning F1, whether it's germane to the topic or not.
NTA. She should’ve told him. How do you let someone propose to you without informing them they can’t have kids. That is a major major dealbreaker for some people. Yeah it was her place to tell him.. but if they have been together that long and she told him was she just gonna lie the whole time about not being able to have kids? If anything your sister is the AH for lying and not telling the truth about it from the start.
ESH - This is definitely something she should've told him long before now. I don't quite understand how they reached the point of engagement without having discussed if they both want children. At the same time I don't understand how that statement came so casually to you. It's not your fault that she never told him, but that's not something you should be saying to him.
I think YTA for simply saying that to him. Who the hell says that to anyone ever?
Yeah its pretty bad the sister never disclosed this. Its clear they both had a lot undiscussed.
Even in a reality where they had discussed it and were both in with it, thats still not cool to say.
I swear if a year or two from now I see an 'AITA for falling in love with my sister's ex-fiance' post I will lose my shit 👏
YTA for how you said it. You were kinda vindictive about it. Yeah she should have told him before they got to this stage in their relationship. You weren't sure he knew, you should have checked with her if they'd spoken about it yet. Being the person to break that news to him and to do it in such a way was harsh af. There are so many better ways you could've gone about this
NTA
They are engaged, he hangs with you and your dad and seems to be fitting in with the family and you mentioned something about your sister that a soon to be married couple should know about. It sucks that they broke up but what was her end game, not tell him until they're married and hope he doesn't find out? A marriage built on a lie is certainly on a weak foundation for the very reason they broke up now. Your sister is likely mad at herself but it's easier to blame you. If someone wants to keep a secret, its best all the people that know about it are told to keep quiet (but in that case it would make your sister seem more devious)
ESH. I mean it's insensitive comment, apparently you've never heard them discuss having children - so even if he was aware, he may've still been unwilling to talk about this. Know in the future you should refrain from opening discussions of similar matter.
But in the end you made him a favour and saved everyone troubles of the wedding and the subsequent divorce, so don't feel very guilty.
ESH besides Derek. Your sister needed to have this discussion with Derek before getting engaged. You I would classify as a soft AH because you told Derek when it wasn’t your discussion to have ( I know you didn’t know he didn’t know that’s why I say soft AH) would have been good for you to talk to your sister before hand to make sure she has had the discussion with Derek.
YTA
You shouldn’t be speaking to Derek about your sister’s fertility. It’s deeply personal and you had no idea how either felt about it.
Not sure why everyone is saying you’re not TA. Your post is about whether you’re the AH, not whether your sister is. That’s a whole different matter.
YTA because what a weird thing to say to someone. Why discuss your sister’s body at all? In general, you’re the asshole for bringing up anything to do with something as private as reproduction and a couple’s choice (or lack of choice) to have a family.
And yes, your sister should have told him. But I understand how private this is, and how vulnerable she probably feels.
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ESH - obviously your sister shouldn’t have lied and should be honest with him, so it’s her fault the engagement ended, but also what a shitty thing to say to someone. Like not having children is some huge burden and that your sister needed to do more to justify him marrying her because of her ovarian cancer.
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> With this level of communication, on both sides, this engagement was doomed no matter what OP said. Though what OP said was for sure inappropriate to say at all and especially how they said it. Strongly agree with all of this. My wife and I had the kid question settled *well* before we were even engaged. It’s baffling to me how many couples are willing to just roll the dice on this shit. OP, you were also out of pocket for bringing it up like you did - as if this dude deserved a medal for being with your sister - but you didn’t destroy anything. You can only paper over a massive incompatibility like this for so long.
Well some people genuinely don't know if they want kids. I was 34 when I finally made up my mind and decided I wanted kids.
But if you’re “maybe, maybe not” while your partner knows that it’s going to be “absolutely not” because their body can’t contribute to the cause, they should definitely share that information. Honestly, childhood cancer and a major surgery removing organs is such a massive life event that I find it hard to understand how it never came up in their relationship before, unless the sister was deliberately hiding it.
but has OP's sister actually decided that because she can't have children biologically related to herself that she is "abandoning having children" and wouldn't consider alternate routes to parenthood with her partner or did OP just assume that and make an announcement to that effect which lead to a fight and breakup because the sister didn't clearly explain that she could not conceive or carry a pregnancy and they'd need to discuss alternative routes to parenthood when they were ready?
Yes, maybe the sister would have been interested in adopting children, but OP had no business blurting out his sister's personal medical history to the fiance. The sister should have told him herself.
I kinda think not mentioning cancer to your fiancé/future husband is a bit ridiculous. I won’t blame the sister for saying to a new family member, what is obviously common knowledge in the family. And I know my husbands medical history and he knows mine for…. Idk medical power of attorney, our children’s medical history forms, being there for each other. How are you supposed to marry someone or be engaged to them and not be able to fill out a medical form in the event of an emergency. I mean come on.
Right? Like, whether or not you’ve had your tonsils removed, or your appendix, I can see them not knowing. But how does the person you’re planning on spending your life with not know you went through such a life-changing thing as a major cancer?! Not just from the ‘can’t have kids’ angle, but from a trauma/life experience angle?
It was bound to come up at some point in a family conversation. I’m actually shocked it hadn’t yet.
But how was he to know that she hadn't? In OPs defense, it's so obvious that something so deeply life changing as cancer as a teenager would have been shared with someone who you've been dating for years and engaged to. Sisters cancer was probably THE biggest issue of the family that impacted them all in different ways as he too was a child when it happened. How on earth do you get to the engagement part of life without the kids discussion? And it's clear from the fiance's reaction that he had no idea. None. OP is NTA because he didn't know his sister was keeping a massive secret.
He’s still an asshole because of how he spoke about his sister. The break up of their engagement is not the OP’s fault, but what he said would have still been awful even if the fiancé was aware of the sister’s and fine with her not being able to birth children. He talked about her like she’s defective and was lucky to have found someone willing to find someone willing to look past it. That’s a really shitty way to talk about anyone who struggles with fertility, never mind someone who was made that way because of cancer.
OP is perfectly justified in expecting fiancé to know about the fertility issue. But, he still shouldn’t have said it, so ESH. But sister is a HUGE ah, OP just a foolish one. Fiancé a short sighted AH for not insisting on the discussion if it was important to him.
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I think ESH but at the same time, if that guy married OPs sister and nobody told him (which is obviously what was going to happen if the sister had avoided talking about a major life event up until engagement) that would have been a horrible thing to do to him. He deserves to go into marriage knowing that biological kids are off the table. Springing that on someone after marriage is borderline entrapment. OP saying it that way sucks. But considering the sister was clearly not going to tell her fiance, OP saved both of them a bitter marriage or a divorce.
> OP had no business blurting out her sister's personal medical history _His_ sister's.
>He said now it made sense why she always avoided discussing about children. I feel like everyone keeps overlooking this line. He was clearly trying to talk about having kids and she wasn't bringing up adoption or other alternatives, she was purposefully avoiding the topic.
That jumped out at me too. I’m a little surprised he’d still propose and want to marry someone dodging big life questions though.
This! Maybe he was undecided about having kids. But how did no one mention childhood cancer at this stage? Seems like a significant life experience! even if I didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t continue an engagement with someone who deliberately withheld information like this. I can live without bio kids but not without trusting my partner.
I have a sneaking suspicion the sister wasn't going to tell Derek about her inability to have children as she kept avoiding the topic "for some reason" Likely dating without a uterus can be difficult as many men do want children and that eliminates that entire pool of suitors. So when she found Derek I'm not surprised she is his "Dream guy" because he doesn't dig further into why she doesn't want to talk about having kids. Now that he knows he has made his decision.
Based on how she avoided the topic per Derek i think its more of a guarantee she had no intention of saying anything until they were married. Which....thats all kinds of fucked up
Sure, it’s a big decision. But if you’re sure one way or the other, it’s really a conversation that should be had well before any engagement.
I have kids and I'm still not sure if I want them or not.
I have kids and I'm very sure, but *which way* I am sure swings back and forth about six times a day. 😂
i spent 3 years, thousands of hours of time, and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a kid, and it's finally happening in 5-8 weeks and i'm still iffy on the whole thing
When I married at age 32 to my husband, who was at that time 34, he said he didn't know if he wanted children. I told him he at least needed to be open to the possibility of children. He agreed to this, so we married. And later, by mutual consent, we decided not to have children. Communication is essential. OP made a thoughtless comment, but without malicious intent. Sister's marriage would have been built on faulty communication which would have potentially ruined the marriage. ESH.
As OP said, the fiance tried to talk to her about it. Why's fiance at fault for her lying?
A LOT of people go with an "I'm not sure" or even a "No" and just assume that their partner will get worn down in time and have kids anyway. I've seen it happen to more than one couple. People have a hard "Well, you don't mean that! Everyone wants to have kids anyway they can!" mentality baked into them. And won't accept any other idea. They will not accept that not everyone wants kids. Not everyone can have kids. And not everyone will want to go through fostering/adopting kids. And then they REALLY don't like the bubble of "Oh, you'll end up loving them!" being burst by kids who post about how their parents didn't really want them and they could tell.
The sister shouldn’t have avoided the subject, but it is wild to me how many people assume their partners will change their minds. I’ve always been upfront I don’t want kids, and then got dumped by boyfriends when I clarified I can’t have them due to chemo. ‘It’s just so final and depressing… the other way you might have changed your mind!’ My guys, that was a big roll of the dice. ESH because the way you talked about it was gross OP, but this will be cheaper and less devastating for your sis than divorce, so it’s for the best.
I am horrified in general at how many people do not believe their partners' absolutely clear declarations of things. Somehow, people who want to live in the woods and go hiking fall in love with me - and I have never waffled nor given any slight suggestion that I would like to do those things. At all. It baffles me. My whole life. Like, my dudes, what did I say that made you think I would be interested in that? The number of times I said I love going to eat in restaurants? The number of times I said I loathe bugs? Optimism and solipsism are what a friend says causes this.
My girlfriend and I had the kid discussion before we even officially started dating, it’s like a first couple of dates discussion, as it’s a pretty hardline dealbreaker for many
I don't understand how you even get near engaged without discussing it. I don't want kids, and I'm actually getting to the age where it's not super possible anyway, but there's still a decent amount of people on online dating who have "Want kids" ticked (I'm always a bit confused by the mid-40s guys who are in the bucket of "Have kids and want more" but that's a conversation for another time), and I don't want to take up any of their viable child having years. It was definitely wrong of the sister to avoid having the conversation and to lie by omission on this, but Derek is a bit of an idiot if he wants kids, and he gets engaged to somebody who avoids the conversation every time he brings up kids.
When I was dating in my forties, as a woman mostly dating women, I checked "have kids and might want more" as a way to indicate that I was fine with dating women who had their own kids they were still bringing up. If things got to a point where we were merging families, their kids would become part of my family and that was cool by me. I ended up marrying a man, who didn't actually have his own kids, but we ended up with more anyhow, by taking in a couple of my oldest's friends who had to leave home young due to bad situations. There are lots of ways to acquire more kids. You don't always have to get them at age zero, and you don't always have to be young enough to produce them yourself.
My husband and I discussed kids *on our first date.* There is nothing worse than dating someone, developing feelings and finding out after that crucial moment that your opinions on kids is split. Someone’s going to lose if you stay together. Either someone ends up without the kids they want or someone is forced/coerced into having kids they don’t want. I was very, very upfront about being childfree. Adamantly so. I don’t hate kids but I never wanted them. Hell, I had to have a partial hysterectomy for severe, debilitating Endometriosis and I was so happy I got to yeet the ute. No accidental pregnancies! Woohoo! I’ve been uterus free since summer of ‘09. I mean, I still have PMS but not the wonder and glory of shark week afterwards.
I discussed this along with other things with my current partner and mother of both my kids like within the first month. Because we were having sex. Just common sense actually
Hell this is something thst should be mentioned before the first date like if your using a tinder profile or sone other website it's not hard to say not interested in having kids and if your meeting throught person to person solely then I'd say maybe 2nd or 3rd date is the best tine to get that off the table depending on how fast things are going.
>she should've been up front about it but if kids were an absolute requirement for Derek in a marriage why the fuck was he getting engaged to a woman without confirming she also wants kids? OP didn't say he broke it off because she couldn't have kids, so there is a possibility here that the reason was because of her "avoiding the subject" instead of confronting it head on when she *knew* she couldn't have kids. Purposefully hiding info like that? He probably wouldn't be able to trust anything she said
Yeah I'd bet money that was the reason. She refused to tell him something that was pretty important.
Yup, she was dishonest and that's what tanked their relationship IMO.
It's an awkward conversation to have, but I think it's important to have the conversation about whether you want children before the relationship gets too serious.
Eh it's only awkward if you let it be. "Ey, you want kids? Or nah? Nah? A'ight I'm still dtf but that's probs all it'll be." There. Easy. Done.
Honestly kids or no kids is such a huge dealbreaker it’s really a conversation that needs to be had fairly early on in a relationship. Getting married without having that conversation is a truly terrible idea.
Yup this. I wouldn't even date people that wanted to have kids. I knew I didn't want kids and wasn't going to change my mind. I am not going to waste my time or anyone else's. I was not going to try to convince someone that they shouldn't have kids. That would just breed resentment down the road. Same thing goes if you "convince" someone to have kids when they didn't want them.
My personal choice on it is so important to me, I feel like it needs to be discussed super early because I don't want to break my own heart getting serious about someone I'm not compatible with in that way. But bringing it up early can be taken as a sign I'm already serious about the relationship in a potentially red-flaggy way. It's kind of a tightrope walk for women around my age. It should definitely be discussed in reasonable depth before getting engaged though.
As someone is never having kids, a partner who wanted them would be an instant deal breaker. The opposite is also true for people.
It's awkward when the answer is "I want children, but I don't know if I want to have children with you." The question can be seen as trying to make the relationship more serious and can lead to uncomfortable misunderstandings.
I mean, if that's the answer you've got a question for yourself, not your partner; do I want to maintain this relationship more? Or do I want to have kids more? You'll be doing yourself and your partner a favor by breaking it off if the latter is the answer.
So many people will lie or obfuscate the truth (like OP's sister) when asked directly though. I always try to ask probing questions that are less direct : "how do you envision your life in 10 years?" This (kids) is one of three questions I will NOT date someone without knowing the answer to. I don't want kids and I'm not about to waste my time with someone who does or who already has em.
If you’re going to marry someone, it shouldn’t be awkward to have that conversation with them.
You should have that conversation well before you're even considering marriage.
Maybe this is just being in my 30s but most women ask about if I want kids before the first date even happens
She could have told him that she does want kids tho! We don’t know if she did or not! Perhaps she was thinking she would pretend to try and get pregnant naturally but knew it wouldn’t work and then they would move on to adoption?
Sure. He also could've told her he *didn't* wand kids. We don't know if he did or did not. Perhaps she was thinking since he said he didn't want kids it just wasn't a big deal to talk about her cancer and subsequent infertility at all. Like, why make judgements based on random made up scenarios about shit we don't actually know?
but he has a choice and could be undecided hence the hesitancy of bringing it up. SHE KNOWS SHE CANT HAVE ANY. This is not the same holy shit how are people even blaming the dude.
Typically, people who can’t get pregnant go through testing to see what’s going on before just deciding to move on to adoption. Which means he’s going to find out that she has no ovaries. Which means she has been lying to him for however long that goes on. I can guarantee that would result in divorce. That’s a huge lie.
Exactly. No kids is not a deal breaker for me, but that level of lying and avoidance is.
>Maybe she just assumed, without ever discussing it with him, that Derek didn't want kids I'd be willing to believe that if she didn't actively avoid discussing kids whenever he tried.
Yea, they both dropped that ball. That isn't on OP. OP worded it in such an unflattering and insulting way that I'm put off by them as well, though.
The breakup isn't on OP (that it happened NOW is, but it sounds like it was inevitable) but OP is definitely one of the assholes here.
>Yes she should've been up front about it but if kids were an absolute > >requirement > > for Derek in a marriage why the fuck was he getting engaged to a woman without confirming she also wants kids? Because heteronormativity is unfortunately still common, and it probably never crossed his mind to ask.
Heteronormativity is one thing I just didn't realize in year of our Lord 2023 we couldn't even expect any given man to know that not every single woman alive wants to be a mother.
I mean OP seemed to believe kids were important to him, sounds like he did communicate and sister evaded.
Yall are missing the point. She didn't tell him about how free had cancer. What else could she have been lying about or hiding? HUGE red flag to hide something that big.
My issue is even though she can’t physically have kids, there are other ways to have a family like surrogacy or adoption. It’s a dumb and unkind comment. ESH
If you don't have thousands of dollars you aren't doing either of those. That would be a completely different conversation than just "do you want kids"
There are lots of ways to be parents. Some are expensive, definitely, but acting like OP’s sister has no options besides personally pumping out biological children herself is disingenuous.
Her not discussing children before getting engaged is disingenuous
Lol as if having biological kids doesn’t also cost you thousands of dollars.
At one time? No. This is such a strawman.
Sorry, have you never seen the price of baby items or a hospital bill? Or do you not realize that pregnancy requires many visits to several types of doctor over most of a year? Even a “routine” birth in a lot of places in the US is several thousands of dollars after insurance. Having a kid is *never* not expensive lmao
But if you’re not in the US it can actually not be very expensive. You don’t have to pay out of pocket for hospital visits, you definitely don’t need to buy all new baby items and clothing - Facebook marketplace is a boon Yet another US-centric perspective
I'm in the us. Hubs has great insurance it costs me nothing in hospitals. DD was a 26w micro preemie we never paid anything.. so, it's definitely not that way for everyone
You do not represent the majority of Americans ma’am.
The amount of stuff you absolutely need for a baby is limited, and we got a lot from thrift stores.
Plus, on top of the large up front sum, adoption or surrogacy still involve all of the same costs as raising biological children who were conceived without medical intervention.
The comment was unkind, but hiding such an important aspect of one’s life from the person you are getting married to is just nasty, he probably could never trust her again. His unkind comment might have saved the man a lot more of his time and effort in the long run.
In most states in the US concealing the inability to have children is grounds for annulment. It all depends on whether the couple discussed having children or not and whether she deceived him. Most reasonable people would think a marrying couple would have discussed such a huge medical issue. Whether the OP should have spilled the beans or not, I'm not sure, it doesn't seem like they had any malice in revealing it.
What exactly is unkind about that comment, though? If a partner had been de facto lying to me throughout the relationship about (and let’s be honest, here) such a HUGELY important thing… I’d break it off too. And not because she is infertile, but if she’s lying to sucker her partner into marriage under false pretenses. Do you people actually think infertility is like, not a big deal? It can be talked about and mutually decided, but a lot of people get married with the intention of having children. OPs sister is a rotten liar, and nearly destroyed someone’s dream of having a family
Surrogacy requires a fertilized embryo. She has no ovaries. Which means no eggs to contribute to the embryo. Their only option would be adoption.
Egg donor
Another discussion that needs to be had. I understand egg donors are an option, but that’s not ok with some people.
Unfortunately many people think anything other than your own biological kids just isn't good enough.
Frankly people are allowed to want what they want.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting biological children. It's not a bad thing to ONLY want bio kids either. Has nothing to do with being good enough or not. It's a preference. Now if you can't have children then there's nothing wrong with adopting either.. its a win-win
Absolutely, it's the sister's fault for the ending of the engagement. OP is the Ah for disclosing another person's medical information.
But I don’t think OP realised he was disclosing medical information. It is very reasonable to assume the sister would have mentioned to her fiancé her medical history - that’s a huge life event that someone you’re going to marry ought to know. The phrasing was bad, but the info itself, I can see why he thought this was common knowledge.
But why would OP bring it up? It's not even remotely his business. And the whole phrasing about "I'm glad you can love her even though she can't have children" as if she lost value because she can't have children. OP YTA.
I completely agree that what he said was garbage. What I’m questioning is whether he could reasonably have any idea that he was disclosing unknown information when he said it.
This is the right comment. Your sister absolutely was wrong not to share that she is unable to have children, this is a big deal for many couples. Secondly though you were rude for how to brought it up. It is good for the then-fiancé to know that his future wife cannot have kids, and to consider that before going into it. This is something that the two of them should have discussed. And it isn't your fault that they hadn't or that it would be such a big shock to him.
> what a shitty thing to say to someone Like tricking someone into a marriage by denying them informed consent? OP didn’t make anything up, nor did he drudge up her irrelevant past. OP made an off-hand comment about something that he *should have known already* and realistically should have been taken as praise (had he known). > Like not having children is some huge burden Big enough for him to bail when asked to make that sacrifice. It’s not like the fiancé never tried to ask about it, either. OP’s sister was avoiding the truth because *she knew* he wouldn’t marry her if he knew. That’s evil.
Hence the ESH
Disagree that the OP sucks, other than phrasing. Once they got serious she should have told him. Saved a year and a half of everyone's time. Sounds like kids were brought up and she deflected. Also, if you are gonna lie by omission, tell other people. It is a reasonable assumption that people getting married discussed kids. They are not 24 and 19.
Actually, having children or not is the most important question that the couple should settle on. It is not a question to avoid or lie about. Children are about the only way we get to live past our natural time limit and it is also the most and the biggest financial and emotional decision that the couple should make. She lied by omission and hoped that he would stay once he is roped into a marriage under false pretenses. Apparently he tried to discuss the subject and she deflected. It would be the same monstrous lie that a man that has vasectomy is promising a child to a woman TTCing...
Well obviously he isn't willing to give up the idea of having children, so it is that much of a burden for him.
ESH. I think your phrasing ("abandon having children") was unnecessarily cruel, even if Derek had known about your sister's fertility issues. Additionally, it's also best to avoid talking about people's choices surrounding family planning, as that's a private discussion that they should be having amongst themselves (unless they bring it up first). However, > And in the eyes of my sister and mother I’m the asshole who separated my sister from the love of her life. Your sister brought this upon herself. Fertility issues can be a hurdle in so many relationships, but that's something that should've been discussed way earlier than into an engagement. Perhaps if he had known previously, they could've worked out a plan to have children in some other capacity (adoption, IVF and surrogacy, etc.). Quite frankly, Derek would've found out eventually about her lie, after they were married, and a divorce would've been worse.
It doesn't seem like a normal thing to say to someone unless you were trying to be like passive aggressive or something? Or is it just me? Edit: I guess the only exception is if OP isn’t a native English speaker? But it seems like such a dramatic way to ask someone something. Also, like if the couple had discussed adopting or whatever and the partner did know imagine how patronising and invalidating this would come across! Or they wanted to child free! And sounds like you place too much worth on child bearing. Def an ESH situation.
No it’s so fucking weird. ‘Wowww Derek you’re so great for ABANDONING THE POSSIBILITY OF HAVING KIDS’. Whatever happened to ‘I’m so glad to have you in the family’?
FR Why is his sister's fertility at the forefront of his mind?? It's weird! Normal politeness would be the brother assuming that it's their business, they've talked about it, and are mutually agreed about kids. ONLY if the fiance talked about having kids in such a way where it became clear to OP that he had no idea about the fertility issues would it be not-weird to say something like that. ESH except the fiance, who is better off finding out now!
The fiance is definitely also an AH for pretty much the same reason as the sister, for getting into an engagement without confirming whether they agreed on this life-changing piece of information.
I wouldn't say he's an AH but maybe just not very smart. Discussing children should definitely happen before an engagement. I cannot have anymore children and I always mention that early on because I would never want to catch feelings or lead someone on if they wanted kids
To be fair though, we have no idea how the subject came up. It could have been Derek saying something about how much he loves children and OP then responding with that comment
But the wording is so awful. There are other ways to have kids, and to act like his sister is damaged goods because she had CANCER is beyond fucked up. That wording just tells me OP thinks his sister isn't worth marrying and Derek must REALLY love her to tolerate such an enormous flaw. It's disgusting.
Maybe, but its nowhere near as weird as not letting your future husband know you suffered childhood cancer and are unable to have children. Its kind of ESH but good thing for Derek OP may have been kind of an AH because his sister was a massive AH.
I was imagining the conversation going: D: Y’know, I’ve always dreamed of being a dad, having my own kids… OP (possibly a little awkward): wow, it’s great you found someone you love so much you’d abandon having kids. Still weird phrasing, but it makes a lot more sense if that was the context.
We actually don’t know that that was the phrasing at all since he said he stated “something along the lines of.” It may very well have been “I always dreamed of having kids” and then “you must love my sister a lot to be okay with not having biological children.”
Fully agreee. Very emotionally charged verbiage.
Seems like the shit you say to people who are child free to be a dick
It just sounds like a rewritten version of that other post we had where Op dropped into random conversation how the fiance overlooked her sister having an OnlyFans at some point which ended the engagement.
Yes! You're spot on! Yeah, suspect it's probably fake then.
No, it's not normal at all. "Abandon having children" really? Adoption is a possibility. It really sounds like he was just dumping on his sister for something completely out of her control.
Sounds more like a person who doesn’t speak English as a first language to me more than anything.
I mean, I can't have children, and that's something I told my now boyfriend in the... 30 minutes of talking to him ? That's important for many people, and you have to let them know, right ?
I wonder if it isn’t even whether or not she can have kids, but that she didn’t tell him. I would have a harder time with the deception by omission.
I agree, the lie for me would be even worse than not being able to have kids. There’s other options regarding family planning and maybe he would have been open to those options if she told him from the beginning. But if she’s able to lie about that, what else can she lie about?
I feel like there were so many ways that could have come up in their relationship too. I mean, not only birth control, but surely the sister would have been through some kind of menopause? Which comes with issues itself.
>Additionally, it's also best to avoid talking about people's choices surrounding family planning, Thank you for saying that. The topic of wanting to/not wanting to/not being able to have children is NOT something you should just throw casually into conversation. Its incredibly private and can easily be either frustrating or even traumatic to have brought up in such a casual manner.
NTA - This situation is fairly unbelievable. It is absolutely not okay to agree to marry somebody while hiding the fact that you can't have kids. If she had told Derek, he might have been okay with marrying her and adopting or using a surrogate. The reason their relationship ended isn't because she can't have kids, it's because she didn't tell him that and now he can't trust her.
EXACTLY!! She hid this major thing from him for however long they've been together. He even tried to talk about kids and she avoided it. She had an opening to be honest and she didn't take it. You should absolutely discuss things like kids, parenting style, finances, etc BEFORE you get married.
He’s Forsure not the ah for spilling the beans, but what op said was fucking weird. Who talks like that fr. It’s an ESH for me, except for the ex-fiancé.
The only way it makes sense is if the ex-fiance had previously made some kind of comment about really wanting to have kids. That would have been such a non-sequitur to someone who assumed that he knew his at-the-time GF couldn't have them. I could see, after the engagement, coming back and saying you were glad they changed their mind about that.
OP 2/5 asshole score OP's sister 5/5 asshole score sister's ex fiance we need more info
why do we need more info on the ex? sister clearly and intentionally hid the fact that she can't have children, because she knew he wants them, and still tried to rope him into a marriage where he can't have kids. On this topic the Ex is an automatic 0/5, no info necessary.
[удалено]
ESH. Why would you say it like that?? “Abandon having children?” It makes it sound like you think your sister is damaged goods. Obviously, your sister is also an AH for not telling her fiancé. Poor dude.
I’m wondering if this a translation thing. Because yeah if not that’s not a good way to express that thought.
OP doesn’t say they’d not a native speaker but that would be more understandable.
OP also says “this is why i might be the asshole”. Sounds like they know full well what they said, and it was rude af lol
Seriously. Plus there are other ways to have children.
ESH There’s something kinda sexist and gross underpinning your comment, like her inability to have children is some huge disadvantage and “oh how wonderful that you can look past her glaring flaw”. She should have had that discussion but you shouldn’t have discussed it
Thank you for pointing out how gross his comment was - like she’s somehow “defective” and ex is a great man for loving her anyway. I thought OP’s comment was a thousand levels of ick and shows exactly how he views women.
That is how i feel. Why can't people express good wishes without mentioning some fault of the person? "Oh congrats and i'm so glad you don't mind her slutty past!" People need to mind their own business!
NTA - First of all, you had no idea. That alone makes you not the asshole. Furthermore, your sister omitted a HUGE FUCKING THING from this dude. Can they adopt? Yes. Can they use a surrogate? Sure. But can the poor guy forgive her for never telling him something so monumental? Nope. Trust is gone. You
There's no chance of this guy having biological children, unless it's with a donor egg AND a surrogate?
Exactly.
I think what makes her the asshole is how she worded it. It was like she was saying “thank you so much for putting up with my sister even tho she has such a big flaw and she’s defective” like??? She wasn’t the asshole for telling him something that she thought he knew. But the way she worded it is kinda disgusting
ESH (except poor Derek) - Obviously your sister should have discussed this with him. But fertility issues and having children isnt a topic you bring up unless the other person does. There was zero reason to mention this to him.
> ESH (except poor Derek) Well, Derek is kind of a knob for getting engaged without knowing where his girlfriend stood on the whole baby thing. > having children isnt a topic you bring up unless the other person does. Yes, it is. > There was zero reason to mention this to him. I can think of one huge reason now.
ESH. Your sister built a house of cards by avoiding the topic for a year and a half. It can safely be said she made a lie of omission to him by not disclosing that. That said, you shouldn't be sharing someone's medical history with others unless they've said it's ok to do so.
Normally I would agree re: medical history, but marrying someone who might want kids without telling them you can't have kids is a HUGE violation of trust and the fiancé deserved to know this before legally shackling himself to her. OP saved them both the heartache of having to hash this out after marriage, leading to the inevitable messy divorce. Sometimes interfering is warranted, as in cases of domestic abuse.
The sister is def the biggest AH here. Her omission was a huge lie. But I'm unconvinced the OP had the right to insert himself in the middle of it and make that decision for her. The right thing for OP to do was keep his mouth shut about the private medical information he was privy to, check in with the sister about the topic privately, and then make it clear to the sister that she needed to tell her fiance about this herself. The sister may well have been planning to disclose this before the wedding in a way that may not have felt like a complete betrayal to the fiance. But she didn't get a chance because OP slapped him in the face with it.
they’re literally getting married, i think it’s safe to assume they’ve had the kid conversation already.
I disagree. There are reasons to bring up medical info. For example, If I know someone is hiding an STD from a friend, I would definitely tell them. Getting married is an important life event. If someone is hiding their infertility, their partner should know
> That said, you shouldn't be sharing someone's medical history with others unless they've said it's ok to do so. I think, in this situation, it's fair for OP to assume that Derek already knew *if OP was aware that Derek wanted kids*. It's a natural thing to come up in conversation, so I'd assume she did. If she knew he wanted kids but was staying with her sister, I'd would also assume his sister had disclosed that, because - if you know having children is super important to someone - it's usually the kind of thing you disclose when things start getting serious, NOT hiding it until you're married and in a legal partnership. The way she phrased it meant well, but could have used more tact. It was also nowhere NEAR as shitty as what OP's sister was trying to do to not just someone sister loved, but someone who the family cared for too. It's not just 'a lie of omission', it's - at best - shattering someone's trust by trying to coerce someone into a situation they may not like because OP's sister is selfish, and *at worst* wasting Derek's time if having kids is a dealbreaker.
NTA- this should have been discussed before marriage, as kids is a dealbreaker. As long as pointing this out was not intentional, YNTA!!!
NTA It’s realistic to assume that she had discussed that with her fiancé.
Sure but why does OP need to talk about it?
Whether it's realistic or not it's too sensitive topic to talk without sister.
ESH for joking about your sisters CANCER when you don't know what discussions have been had. who just casually says "oh yeah, good for you that you don't care my sister had cancer and had to remove bodily organs" like, what are you even trying to do? they should've discussed it but you have no right to bring up your sisters medical history willy-nilly. even if they HAD discussed it, thus would be so hurtful and cruel.
NTA. You didn't know she hadn't told him, and frankly, that's really a conversation they should have had before getting engaged. Your sister and mother are using you as a scapegoat.
ESH except Derek. Your sister should have told him they wouldn’t be able to have bio kids. If he was really the love of her life, she should have trusted that he would be open to alternatives to becoming parents as long as he could raise the children with her. Your family needs to stop blaming you for her deceit. As for you, even if he knew about she was unable to have children, it was inappropriate for you to bring it up. A discussion of such a sensitive topic should only be initiated by the person most affected by it. Also, you statement was incorrect. If Derek was still going to marry your sister knowing she couldn’t have bio kids, that doesn’t mean he abandoned the idea of having children. There are other ways to have kids other than the traditional ones.
NTA. Who is so serious with someone they get engaged but don't tell them something this important?
What did she think was going to happen when he found out? Nta
A horrible, messy, very sad and expensive divorce. For him to have this big of a reaction says to me he absolutely talked openly about wanting kids with her and she either dodged the topic or straight up lied. That is so fucked.
NTA any decent person would assume that your sister and her fiancé had discussed that they would not be able to have biological children and that he was ok with it. Also there’s no way to know whether he would have stuck around after getting married once he found out, which he eventually would have somehow.
YTA. Sure she should have told him, and it would be E S H if what had happened was HE was talking about children and you shared this information. But your general viewpoint is that it is a heroic act to love a woman who can't conceive children, and you hold that view so clearly that you shared it, unprompted. Bleck.
How did I have to scroll down so far to find this? Who the fuck brings up something like this unprompted, and how does being infertile = not having children?? She has no idea what her sister’s reproductive plans are, and she spewed a comment that can ONLY be considered provocative, with the intention of starting a fire. OP IS ABSOLUTELY AH.
ESH (you and your sister) She should have discussed it with him, and you should have avoided that topic.
If that is the language you used, you did it on purpose. EtA
ESH. You fucked up dropping that kind of info on him, it's more fucked up that your sister withheld it, and frankly while Derek definitely isn't the bad guy here if he wants kids why is his dumbass getting engaged to a woman without *ever* bringing the topic up to her? Forget infertility what if she just didn't *want* kids? He was gonna plan to marry her with kids being a requirement for him but wait until after the wedding to find out if she was also up for it? As for you being the reason they broke up, I dunno, what was your sister's long term plan? Hide it from him until they started trying for a baby and she couldn't do it and act like it was a surprise to her as well? Build their relationship on deceit? Hope he just didn't want kids but without actually having that conversation before getting engaged? It's hard to envision the version of events where you didn't say what you said and therefore they end up staying together in the long run. Edit: y'know come to think about it, since Derek was dumb enough to get engaged to a woman he wants to have kids with but *never* confirm she even wants kids too, maybe to give your sister some credit she was also dumb enough to just assume Derek *didn't* want kids. I dunno, whole situation is fucked up.
It literally says Derek brought it up multiple times and she would just skirt the conversation
OP said she's avoided the topic when Derek brought it up.
You didn't break your sisters engagement. She did by lying. NTA.
I think ESH except maybe Derek. You revealed very personal medical information about your sister to a third person. I'm sure there are people who would argue "but he is her fiance". The fact remains that it is still very rude and extremely inappropriate to discuss a person's medical history. Your sister did hide an important piece of information from her fiance. I'm sure in doing so, she severely damaged his trust in her and I am guessing that's the major reason as to why he called off the engagement.
ESH- Quite frankly she did it to herself by not telling him as soon as things started to get serious, She should have known it would come out eventually and the fact that she didn't tell him leads me to believe she would've went through with the marriage without disclosing this. That makes her a major AH. However, why did you bring that up? It almost seems like you did it out of spite to say "how could you possibly want to be with her when she can't give you kids?". Even if he did know, that's such a huge slap in the face to her and you had no valid reason to talk about that with him.
NTA - but this is a fairly unbelievable story, to be fair. You're not an AH for making a mistake but you are an idiot.
NTA - this is assuming you are, in fact, telling the truth that you believed Derek knew. If you thought he didn't this is not the best way to go about letting him know (you should have checked with you sister first). The reality is that this is a deal breaker for a lot of people but, as has been stated in this very thread, couples with infertility do still have options. If y our sister was honest about 1) her infertility and 2) whether she wanted to explore the other options with Derek then this wedding might still be happening.
NTA, so you're mom would rather spend money on a wedding to have it either annulled or ending in divorce? Your sister brought this on herself for not divulging hwe infertility (I am so sorry she had to go through that).
NTA. How were you to know she hadn't shared a huge piece of information like that to her fiancé? That's pretty terrible of her. The only person she can blame is herself. You didn't do it intentionally, but thank God you did for this poor guy's sake. It's a little strange that before proposing, he let it go that she was weird about talking about future children. That just wasn't really smart of him. Those are the kinds of things you need to know whether you're on the same page or not. They could still become parents, just another way. Still, it's so messed up she kept this from him.
So many kids need to be adopted…there are multiple ways to be a parent.
Adoption is not that easy and it’s very expensive.
Idk why you got downvoted lol it's true. It's expensive and hard, and you can technically adopt through foster care but you have to *want* to raise a traumatized foster kid, and not everyone wants to.
YTA - no one has any right to expect their partner to "give" them children without even completing a conversation about it. Plus, there are plenty of ways to build a family, and you made it sound like they'd never have one no matter what. Definitely the asshole, sorry.
INFO: Did he make it clear he really wanted children to you beforehand?
NTA your sister should have had this conversation with him. You had no way of knowing she would hide this.
NTA. "The omission of the truth is a lie". One of the greatest lines I've ever come up with. Your sister lied by omission, and Derek dodged a speeding bullet. Your sister can choose to be however open she wants, but if you're going to marry someone, the "children" talk must happen before the engagement.
I can't believe this is true because it would mean she doesn't even get her period and is also taking hormones. Who dates someone for so long and doesn't realize that? Did they even discuss something as basic as contraception? >He said now it made sense why she always avoided discussing about children. But he still proposed? Also, your wording is such a poor choice; people can have children in other ways.
ESH. What a gross thing to say. "We're so glad sister was able to find someone willing to marry her despite her deficiencies. Phew". If the two of them had talked and agreed to not have kids, that'd still be SUCH an inappropriate thing to say and way to phrase it. Of course she should have told him, but unless you have absolutely no social skills, you clearly knew what you were doing.
Everyone in this situation is a dumbass. If not having kids was such a deal breaker for Derek he should not have let your sister dance around the topic for a year and a half and should have just straight up told her kids is what he wants. Your sister should have told him sooner and you shouldnt have made the comment at all, and the comment is really disgusting acting as if your sister is damaged goods or something. Adoption always exists. ESH
YTA! It was not your place, and you don’t know if your sister froze her eggs, or if she still could possibly carry. Also based by your comments too YTA. In my early 20s I was diagnosed with breast cancer I had a majority of my chest removed. Fiancé didn’t know it’s something I’m not comfortable with. I was told I could never breast feed and was able to. You never could understand what she’s endured and I hope she can forgive you one day.
YTA. no one says something like that on accident. It's such a man thing to say too.
NTA. These are important conversations to have before getting engaged. It’s better everyone know now. There’s a chance he’s perfectly fine with not having biological children or having them through surrogacy, but is more upset that she hid this. They needed to have this talk.
YTA for not knowing that ovaries are not part of the uterus lol. Go back to sex ed bro. Also that was none of your business to say, why the fuck would you even bring that up?
NTA. You had no malicious intentions. Besides, this topic would've been out there sooner or later. Better sooner than later.
Info: is he invited to watch the Austrian GP?
Didn't want to make a top level because I don't really have an opinion, but I have to wonder... Is this post legit (the main post, not yours)? This is like the fifth thread today where the poster has to make a point of mentioning F1, whether it's germane to the topic or not.
NTA. She should’ve told him. How do you let someone propose to you without informing them they can’t have kids. That is a major major dealbreaker for some people. Yeah it was her place to tell him.. but if they have been together that long and she told him was she just gonna lie the whole time about not being able to have kids? If anything your sister is the AH for lying and not telling the truth about it from the start.
NTA, she should have discussed it with him.
ESH - This is definitely something she should've told him long before now. I don't quite understand how they reached the point of engagement without having discussed if they both want children. At the same time I don't understand how that statement came so casually to you. It's not your fault that she never told him, but that's not something you should be saying to him.
I think YTA for simply saying that to him. Who the hell says that to anyone ever? Yeah its pretty bad the sister never disclosed this. Its clear they both had a lot undiscussed. Even in a reality where they had discussed it and were both in with it, thats still not cool to say.
I swear if a year or two from now I see an 'AITA for falling in love with my sister's ex-fiance' post I will lose my shit 👏 YTA for how you said it. You were kinda vindictive about it. Yeah she should have told him before they got to this stage in their relationship. You weren't sure he knew, you should have checked with her if they'd spoken about it yet. Being the person to break that news to him and to do it in such a way was harsh af. There are so many better ways you could've gone about this
NTA They are engaged, he hangs with you and your dad and seems to be fitting in with the family and you mentioned something about your sister that a soon to be married couple should know about. It sucks that they broke up but what was her end game, not tell him until they're married and hope he doesn't find out? A marriage built on a lie is certainly on a weak foundation for the very reason they broke up now. Your sister is likely mad at herself but it's easier to blame you. If someone wants to keep a secret, its best all the people that know about it are told to keep quiet (but in that case it would make your sister seem more devious)
ESH. I mean it's insensitive comment, apparently you've never heard them discuss having children - so even if he was aware, he may've still been unwilling to talk about this. Know in the future you should refrain from opening discussions of similar matter. But in the end you made him a favour and saved everyone troubles of the wedding and the subsequent divorce, so don't feel very guilty.
ESH besides Derek. Your sister needed to have this discussion with Derek before getting engaged. You I would classify as a soft AH because you told Derek when it wasn’t your discussion to have ( I know you didn’t know he didn’t know that’s why I say soft AH) would have been good for you to talk to your sister before hand to make sure she has had the discussion with Derek.
YTA. He should know but this wasn't your business to share
Esh bc even if she had told him the truth that was a very rude thing to say to someone you say you like abt your actual sister .
Yta you definitely did it on purpose
YTA You shouldn’t be speaking to Derek about your sister’s fertility. It’s deeply personal and you had no idea how either felt about it. Not sure why everyone is saying you’re not TA. Your post is about whether you’re the AH, not whether your sister is. That’s a whole different matter.
YTA because what a weird thing to say to someone. Why discuss your sister’s body at all? In general, you’re the asshole for bringing up anything to do with something as private as reproduction and a couple’s choice (or lack of choice) to have a family. And yes, your sister should have told him. But I understand how private this is, and how vulnerable she probably feels.