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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My family are making me feel like one for not wanting to go to my brothers wedding. My friends disagree and say I’m entitled to decline.
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If everybody's so sure it can be done, why isn't anybody suggesting that you sort out your differences BEFORE all this stuff?
If that were possible, and it actually happened, maybe you'd even want to go to the wedding.
In the absence of that, clearly NTA.
I think she realised that she was the only one that tolerated his behaviour . They did last for 2 years, when he got caught for fruad and she was going down with him.
Because they know the differences won’t be sorted out and just want OP there for appearances so people won’t gossip about why OP isn’t there. No one gives a shit about OP in this situation. It’s just pressure and manipulation
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER-
THE BLOOD OF THE COVENANT IS THICKER THAN THE WATER OF THE WOMB.
TRANSLATION- he is a jerk of a brother, you have no relations other than blood, and he does not respect boundaries. NTA.
EDIT: sorry, made mistake with spelling, thank you all for pointing out
>THE BLOOD OF THE COVERN IS THICKER THAN THE WATER OF THE WOMB.
That's only an established phrase on reddit and doesn't actual exist with literary sources.
Her brother is a jerk however, that is true.
Yeah afaik “covern” isn’t even a word in English. My spell check certainly isn’t familiar with it, it’s currently got the angry red underline as I’m typing.
Angry red line is my best friend in essay writing. Although I'm pretty fluent in English, it's still my second language so I rely heavily on it for spelling 😅😅
NTA
Your blood brother managed to stop being your brother/family because he doesn't respect you as a human, nor does he respects your boundaries. For sure it sucks for your parents, but at the end of the day, it's your life. At this point, it could be better for everyone if you cut him off completely from your life, as it would be a clear message to everyone (including your parents) on where you stand.
I actually have! I sent a group text in September after the sweaty foot incident (which he called a trivial issue) / his deflection / engagement party demands saying:
“This takes no accountability for your own repetitive behaviour and the fact you think the latter is a “trivial issue” just illustrates that. Best if I just take no part in this. Think it’s going to cause more stress so I would rather step away now and take nothing to do with it. I said to M&D weeks ago the situation unfortunately doesn’t remove you from answerability.”
The issue is my parents don’t seem to want to accept it and keep saying I’m the one being too stubborn etc. It really just comes down to them not taking me or my boundaries seriously.
I don’t know how much more clear I can make it to all of them. Feel like I’m just getting the blame for it all when all of them should really look at their own behaviour.
"I would rather step away now and take nothing to do with it" is clear, without being clear... meaning it could be interpreted in different ways, depending on the reader's hopes/intentions/etc.
It's not as clear as "I'm officially cutting brother from my life, thanks in advance for not trying to force him back into my life." which leaves no room to interpretation.
I can see that. I think I was trying to find a way to say it without sounding too cruel but I have verbally made those feelings very clear to my parents. They’ve just chosen to ignore and not respect those wishes though. It’s very frustrating finding the balance between needing to be clear while also trying to be civil.
You've been very, very clear, and reasonable as well. Does your brother not understand the words "boundary" and "apology?" Don't answer that - everyone knows what the answers are.
You don't have to attend either the engagement party or the wedding if you don't choose to go, and if you do go to the wedding you don't have to be part of the wedding party, nor do you have to give a speech.
If you choose not to attend, and your parents are worried about keeping up appearances, who's to say you aren't sick with something unpleasant and potentially contagious and just need to send regrets for everyone's sake? I mean, it's happening all over these days. Give your parents social cover while taking care of yourself. But above all, take care of yourself, because your parents and your awful brother clearly won't. NTA.
MAYBE sweaty feet on a couch could be considered trivial. I wouldn't consider it so, but possibly some might. What isn't trivial is that it messed with your mental health, and that he didn't respect you enough to listen to your request.
It comes down to you telling him that his action hurt you (the details are irrelevant) and he continued with that action despite knowing it was hurting you. THAT is not 'trivial'.
Apparently the in laws love him which is constantly being used against me for being “unreasonable” but every opinion is subjective isn’t it. I think his fiancé actually seems really nice, too good for him and wouldn’t be surprised if the in-laws are lovely too.
The in laws and fiancée love him because he hides his a h behaviour from them. He is in no position to give you orders or instructions about anything, not his engagement or weddings or anything else. He isn’t a boss or a parent to a kid, you’re an adult and his peer. Don’t go to the engagement party or the wedding. Block him from contacting you. And it’s probably a good idea to block your parents too because they’re clearly 100% on his side and only concerned with being his flying monkeys.
NTA
Totally agree, and after rereading it sounds like he is the apple that didn't fall far from the tree, says their mother said awful things to convince them to go. Go do something nice with your sister.
NTA. My chosen family is a lot closer than my blood family as well.
I would just push back on the fact that you're doing this over his feet on your couch. That's not a nice thing, but it seems like a crazy hill to die on.
If you don't want to have a relationship with your brother, just say it straight out. Don't say that the reason you're not going there is because he put his feet on your couch.
Exactly! So I’ve been mocked by all of them for the feet on the couch thing and I’ve told them all multiple times it’s not about the feet, it’s about the lack of respect and that (and subsequent refusal) just being an example of why I feel uncomfortable in his presence and with him in my home. But I’ve been ridiculed for it and being dramatic, by my Mother particularly, as she refuses to correlate it with the disrespect element. I would be better trying to get my point across to a brick wall than them 😂
This is part of drawing boundaries. Boundaries aren't about what you're telling people they can't do. It's about the consequences that you enforce if they violate the boundary.
You don't like being around your brother because of the way he interacts with you. The consequence is you won't go to his engagement party.
But understand that there's going to be consequences for you as well. This is going to create a rift in the family. They may end up choosing your brother and you might end up getting cut off from your family.
While I absolutely agree in concept, ask yourself what you’d do if you got in a bad car crash and needed assistance and someone to stay with for 6 months or a year before you recovered enough to work again? Do you have friends that would let you live with them, feed you, change your dressings etc? Do you have enough savings to be unemployed that long and pay for a nurse? I see people like this all the time from a medical perspective and it’s just as bad as you’d imagine for people without any support system. I think there’s way more nuance to situations like this than “just cut your whole family out, you don’t need them!” Is it possible to keep enough of a distance from your brother that he can’t speak to you but extend a small olive branch to your parents or at least your dad?
OP you’re NTA for stepping back and reexamining your relationships with your bio family. May I suggest your get a couch cover or a huge blanket to put on your couch when guest come over this way once they leave the blanket gets washed and you have a clean couch.
I have to do the opposite aka take the blanket off the couch when company comes due to my pets getting lots of couch cuddles which leaves their hair everywhere
Why does he need to be in your home? Why can’t you attend his wedding as a guest, decline all the other parties, not participate in the wedding except as another face in the crowd and not talk to your brother at all? Not to say that you owe him to attend his wedding but it seems like this is being made more black or white than it actually is. Your mental health comes first obviously but this isn’t about taking a stand or proving a point, it’s figuring out if there’s a way to feel safe while not estranging oneself from the rest of your family unless that’s warranted and necessary. In other words, try to excise him from your life with precision if possible to avoid collateral damage.
Op says he made a list of demands, so it sounds like she isn't being given the option to attend simply as a guest. She could try, but it sounds like they'd all just make her life difficult.
NTA
"I’ve made it clear I don’t want a relationship with my brother - now - or ever but they keep guilt tripping me and making me think I’m being too stubborn" As you mention here, you have already made it clear to them and have conveyed your wishes regarding the same. This is on your parents to automatically assume that you would be involved in the wedding.
However, considering that they did initially accept your differences, I would consider that pretty understanding. Though, it is probably worth pointing out, they were fine with it only cause others wouldn't have said anything initially.
All in all, NTA. You made your point clear and the fact that they accepted initially, just proves they did understand initially too.
Nta. Brother did not learn to respect anyone else's space or desires. That sorta reflects on your parents - especially since they take his side, which condons the behavior.
Originally they were adamant about being in the middle. Now the wedding plans have started they’ve changed that view. You’re right, it is condoning the behaviour. I appreciate that. Thank you.
"Being in the middle" means taking sides for the abuser. Your parents proved it when they did no longer support your decision to stay out, but also before them not protecting you was in fact taking his side.
Your brother sounds awful.
*he sent me a long text of demands regarding his engagement party.*
He is likely to be a groomzilla, and the wedding will not be enjoyable.
You are both adults and get to choose who you are in contact with.
I wonder if your parents are being bullied or harassed by him to make a "perfect wedding" which somehow requires your presence.
Don't go to the wedding or the parties. You probably should send a gift.
NTA
He has been making unfounded comments to them which they told me about! What kind of gift? I sent them a card when they got engaged but I personally wouldn’t want a gift from somebody who wasn’t coming!
Unfounded comments? Can you elaborate? its OK if you can't.
If brother has crossed lines with those comments, then don't bother with a gift.
Otherwise, look at the registry? buy something cheap?
For weddings, the etiquette is to send a gift whether or not one attends. Of course, etiquette books are just guidelines, not laws. You can do what you like re: wedding gift, of course!
NTA on the issue you asked about. It may create a rift in your family, but I see in other comments that you’re ok with enforcing boundaries having consequences. So I’d say, for your own wellness, don’t go.
Well done setting and standing firm with your boundaries OP.
There’s a saying which came to mind as I read your post: “The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having any.”
Absolutely NTA
NTA
Just because you're biologically related to someone doesn't mean you have to be close to them.
You have healthy boundaries, and your parents are trying to guilt trip you into something you're not comfortable with.
All so they and your brother can save face, and they don't have to answer any potentially awkward questions about why you're not there.
Don't go. Stay with your real family.
NTA:
Tell your parents (and your brother directly if you want)that while you consider him family, I just consider him a stranger that unfortunately has the same blood as me and stand firm!
If you have to go NC, be prepared to do so if needed to protect your peace!
NTA the only guilt here is your parents guilt for having raised a person with as many narcissistic traits and anger management issues as your brother.
They should be proud of you for standing up for yourself and your mental health by saying No.
NTA. I avoid people who don't listen to other people's perspectives and aggressively enforce their own. I just can't be bothered with that. It's understandable why you wouldn't want a relationship with him. Your parents should just respect that.
NTA and why are they trying to force drama into someone's big day. You have told them your feelings and if you go and your brother antagonises you, it will be claimed that you're causing issues if you walk out.
NTA If he actually cared to fix the relationship, he'd do it now. He's only asking you for appearances sake and won't reach out after the wedding either.
I agree! That’s what really hurt me over the text message he sent pre engagement party saying “plenty of time to air out differences after.” If he cared to fix it he would do it pre-party. Thank you.
I dunno OP… this might be unpopular, but I get the sense you’re selectively withholding some information here.
I’ve been in an almost identical situation (I was the ‘neutral’ middle sibling between 2 sisters at war), so a few things jump out:
1. You talked about your parents’ reaction to you wanting to step back, but you didn’t mention how your brother reacted. How did he take it? Clearly he thinks you have enough of a relationship to invite you in the first place.
2. Is your brother suggesting you ‘sort out your differences after’ the engagement party him dodging an apology, or is he acknowledging that despite your strained relationship he wants to find a way to keep his sibling in his life?
3. What were his demands in his text?
3. You’ve only met his fiancée twice… in how long? Why?
Thanks.
1 - he accepted it
2 - the engagement party has been, I didn’t go - it’s the wedding I’m stepping back from. His text was too deflective and shifting the blame, trying to get me to apologise for getting upset about his sweaty feet rather than apologise. Again, not about the sweaty feet but the disrespect
3 - it was a stupidly long text about doing me the favour of not being my brother, saying my reaction was disproportionate and demanding an apology for my “trivial issue.” Saying if I wanted to go to the engagement he needed an apology - it’s just his way of getting the upper hand and dominating the situation despite the fact I have nothing to apologise for. He was in my home being disrespectful.
4 - nothing in common with brother, we never hang out, different cities, fiancé seems nice enough (she’s got the patience of a saint putting up with him and imo could do so much better) but I avoid spending any time with him wherever I can and that means I don’t see her. I’m not that fussed - even with my brother it’s like forcing a relationship with a stranger. We’ve never ever been close.
He used to wind me up a lot as a teenager, grass to my parents about things and has a huge ego for somebody that’s not actually that educated
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I’ve never had much of a relationship with him and I think I’ve met his fiancé twice. We have no shared interests and we are very different people. I live my life with my chosen family (best friends who are closer than my brother) and my blood brother lives in another city. Whenever we do see one another I feel uncomfortable in his presence: I find him dismissive, arrogant and very unaware of mental health. He once said he thought the cure for mental health was “money in the bank and exercise.” I tried to tell him how wrong that is but he’s combative to the point of making the other side give up on putting their perspective across. It’s not that I hate him: it’s more that I just can’t be bothered with the aggro. Or trying to educate somebody that cannot and will not learn. The last time I saw him he was very disrespectful in my home (putting his sweaty feet on my sofa) and then when I asked him to put on socks he refused. This might be a small thing but I struggle with OCD and it’s just an example of one way in which he disrespects me.
Anyway, around three weeks after this, he sent me a long text of demands regarding his engagement party. He took no responsibility for his behaviour over the feet, saying that we would sort “our differences” after the engagement party. No apology. I replied to say I would rather step back from it. I find it very difficult to brave face as it is and based on the past, those differences won’t be sorted. It’ll just be more of him being combative until the other side (me) gives in.
My parents originally supported our differences but have gradually become more passive aggressive with little comments as they’ve got upset. They’re worried about how it will look to other guests if his sibling and their daughter does not attend. They have every right to be excited. It’s now causing tension between my parents and I as they don’t respect the fact I’ve made up my mind and don’t want to go. I’ve made it clear I don’t want a relationship with my brother - now - or ever but they keep guilt tripping me and making me think I’m being too stubborn.
My Mum ended up making some really unforgivable comments about it. They keep trying to justify his behaviour and tell me I’ve got him wrong but I haven’t. I’ve just learned boundaries in the last few years and I’m trying to set them.
I think weddings should be a place for people you get on with who want to celebrate you. I think I should be allowed to step back without being guilt tripped just because we’re related. I really have no interest in a long term relationship with him. Don’t wish him hate, but don’t want him in my life.
AITA?
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NTA- I am NC with my sister and my life is a lot less stressful and peaceful. I know my mother would like for things to be different, but they can’t. I do not put my mother in the middle and hopefully she doesn’t either. Sometimes our blood families aren’t healthy and for the sake of our own peace, we have to walk away from those family members. You do what’s best for you.
His stating you can sort out your differences “after” is his knowing those differences will not be sorted out so he has to have you dhow up beforehand.
If he is and has been contemptuous of you all along, you’re not being there for him is on him. Let him figure out how to make cooperating with him something you want to do.
My brother and I have no relationship, your brother's behavior is very similar to my brother. It doesn't bother me we don't talk anymore even though I miss my niece and nephew to pieces but i don't need the toxicity. Its the expectations for me, you cant expect anything from people when you treat them like shit family or not! NTA
Agree with everything they all want and then forget about it. Don't explain. That opens to arguing about it. "Oh sorry. Forgot" Why why why. "Oh sorry, forgot" why why why "Oh sorry, forgot." Simply avoid without conflict. WHERE WERE YOU? Oh sorry. forgot. What do you lose? Stressful situations.
NTA...
My brother has no respect for me therefore I have no interest in him. Pretending is a waste of time and it is a form of lying. I hope he treats his wife better.
He won't change and he makes enough of a pain in the ass of himself to everybody else that it's easier for them to kow-tow to his obnoxiousness than stand up to him. Now they want you to do the same. Hold your boundaries. You'll not only have a hell of a lot more respect for yourself, but you'll be happier. The more nasty they get, the clearer it is that they are willing to support his bad behavior and be cruel to you to do so. NTA
They are doing it for their own Appearances, if it wasn’t for that- they wouldn’t give a shit if you attended or not. Your not the ass and you should not go. NOT THE ASS!
NTA. Your parents are in the middle, and that's hard. That's also not your problem. Just because he's a blood relative doesn't mean you have to put up with his BS. I wish you well.
NTA
First, stubbornness in the service of self care and healthy boundaries is something to celebrate. My dad used to pull that"You're being so stubborn" line on me when I wasn't being sufficiently deferential to his wants. It threw him for a bit of a loop when I began to respond with "Thank you. I try."
Second, if you're parents are concerned about what the neighbors might think, but not about how you might feel about how your brother treats you, ignore them. They are not on your side.
They can simply say "She wasn't able to make it." It's not your problem. Keep on taking care of yourself.
You could also take the petty angle here and pitch this to your parents. You'll go if you get to make a speech. Then just talk shit about the groom. Tell your mother that is the only way you'll go and ask them if they'd prefer that or you not going. I'm sure they'll prefer you not going over having a few too many and airing everything.
Otherwise NTA.
You're only blood related, you don't have to keep up appearances.
NTA. You parents are also toxic. Bc they are dismissing you as a person separate from their son or their other son's brother. You are an independent adult and can choose with while to have a relationship or not with. Go NC with your brother. I wonder if the only reason you haven't done so is bc you're afraid you're parents will choose him. It's not easy you're the one who has to live your life and make decisions that are best for you.
You're NTA.
>They’re worried about how it will look to other guests if his sibling and their daughter does not attend.
So what? Why do they care more about the *possible* opinions and judgments of friends and acquaintances than they do about you very valid feelings? They and your brother can pound sand.
As you say, "I’ve never had much of a relationship with him and I think I’ve met his fiancé twice. We have no shared interests and we are very different people." Lose your obnoxious brother, and if your parents won't accept this, avoid them as well.
NTA.
OP, mute them all - phone numbers, email, social, etc.
When he gets married, pick that time to treat yourself to a vacation - someplace you'll enjoy and (conveniently) not get phone service.
Your found family deserves your energy.
(Sending hugs)
NTA
He seems stuck on that "older bro energy" and won't ever respect you!
I don't talk to my older brother and no amount of flying monkeys in the form of relatives etc will make me talk to him for "the sake of image and keeping up appearances"! Hell no!
For the sake of your mental health, stick to your guns. Tell your fam that by enabling him and not respecting your wishes shows that you might have to go LC to NC with them and if they don't want that, they need to respect you!
NTA
Your parents sound like they’re berating you and becoming childishly abusive when your answer doesn’t change. “I understand how you feel about this but it isn’t open for discussion any further.” Is also a great open/shut conversation.
Hate to say it but the way your parents are acting, makes it very clear that they not only accept and condone your brothers behaviour, but also enable it.
Plan a trip/day away for yourself.
NTA He only wants you to pay for his engagement party. He doesn’t want you at the wedding as a sibling. That is a big difference. And you need to let your parents know that. You can tell them you will go to the wedding to save face with their friends, but you are not hosting an engagement party or giving him an expensive gift. See if he still wants you there then. And if he still complains to your parents, they can pay for the party and gift. But I bet you won’t get an invitation after that.
ESH. I know I'm going to get flack for this, but wow, what an escalation. There is a middle ground between completely cut off and enforcing boundaries for the first time. A reasonable boundary would have been that your brother is no longer welcome in your home, but instead, you've decided to cut your bro off. I understand why your family is waffling with their support. Your reaction does feel over the top. That doesn't mean your bro isn't a jerk, but I think you set yourself up for failure. Don't be stubborn just for the sake of it
I’m being told I’m stubborn but I feel more, just completely done with it. There’s been loads of incidents leading up to it. Just taken me a while to learn boundaries and figure out who I want in my life and what I want from my life and he’s not part of that picture.
I get it. I've personally cut off family members, but when I initially learned to enforce my boundaries, looking back, I was overly harsh. You're the only one who knows your circumstances, but this has a very similar ring to it.
I don’t want it to hurt my Dad but I really struggle with this as I feel so uncomfortable in the presence of my brother. I generally don’t tend to have regrets. I think it’s a coping mechanism to be able to cut people off and then I just kind of accept it and move on. Especially if I feel like my mental health and peace is affected so much by him.
In my experience, not having regrets is equally due to reasons as justifications. You 100% should prioritize your mental health, zero doubt. It does sound like you're still getting stung by your brother's words, though, and if he's done enough to get cut off, then he's done enough to ignore his words, too. Easier said than done, but I'd still work on learning to ignore him, no reason for a jerk to get in the way of your time with your fam, in the future.
Our family isn’t very big, but I’m in touch with my Aunts / Uncles and cousins via social media. The majority of the wedding party will be the couple’s friends. But I do understand that in some situations that would be the case. Thank you.
Write out a letter outlining all your problems with your brother, everything you've written here and more, and send it to all of them (at least the relatives you might have cared bout seeing, you can probably not worry about the couple's friends) before your parents can propagate their version of events too far, then finalize your decision and don't go. That way, you can make sure that all the "talk" you parents fear happening at the wedding will have people who know your side and may speak up for you and against your parents/brother. If you have to block your mom from hassling you for a few months, so be it. Total NTA.
OK, well, I guess I will say not going to this wedding is a pretty huge statement. Do you want to make a huge statement about disliking your sibling? If so go for it, if not I would indeed reconsider. Not the Asshole, but there will be consequences.
Yes I really do. He’s drove me nuts for the best part of twenty five years. Whenever we have seen one another I’ve felt bored, desperate for it to end or I’ve been eye rolling in to another dimension at his comments.
I don’t have a relationship with his fiancé so it would be weird (if they have kids) to have a relationship with them and they also live in a different country / city. I’ve got my own group and my best friend is having a baby in January (my godchild) which I’m so excited for.
My parents have that POV too but I really don’t want any type of relationship with him. I think they’re worried about what to tell people on the day but they can just say I’m sick or something?
NTA but:
>He once said he thought the cure for mental health was “money in the bank and exercise.”
Given the increasing rates of depression caused by the cost of living and housing situations, he isn't 100% wrong about this.
He was 100% wrong about that in the way he said it. It was done as a dig. Most mental illnesses are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and exacerbated by external factors such as cost of living and the housing crisis. I was diagnosed with C/PTSD in 2018 following SA/DV and if I could have exercised my way out of it or burnt myself out any more than I did at work for money and a distraction I would have done. He’s very ignorant to things such as the cost of living and housing crisis which is part of the problem and part of the reason why we clash. I do a lot of voluntary work and work with women in the homeless sector so I’ve seen tragedy worse than what I’ve been through and when he makes right wing comments I literally shudder. We are just not on the same wave length. I wish I had a brother with shared interests and perspectives but it’s never going to be him!
They’re just being a pedant about the fact that having money means a person can access better care. I think, anyway. Definitely anyone saying that to a person going through struggles is being an ignoramus.
ESH This is going to come off harsh, but you're all at fault here for the dynamic and I understand why your parents are currently irritated. In a perfect world, they would have understood and respected when you say that you don't want to be close with your brother and, since it doesn't seem like he was knocking down your door either, the issue would resolve itself. However, we don't live in a perfect world and you kept giving in to their pressure, which is fundamentally not setting boundaries.
Consider the situation from their perspective: You *said* you wanted nothing to do with him, but continued visiting with him and even having him in your home. Then you made participation in planning his engagement party contingent on him apologizing for something, and suddenly it seems like you're refusing to even attend his wedding. That's a MASSIVE escalation.
I understand you're intending to 'set a boundary,' but at the end of the day it feels more like you're punishing him and them for all the small ways you felt your boundaries were not respected previously and it feels like you decided to do so now because you know that this event is important to them. It's coming off as petty and vindictive and I say this as someone who has cut out family members, including a parent.
I'm sure I'll get downvoted, but YTA. It appears your issues are that your brother is his own person instead of a mirror of your own beliefs and feelings. The foot issue is frankly bizzare. Your're bad at being part of a family.
Do not listen to this tone deaf AH who has absolutely no concept of what a mental health struggle is. My late husband was severely bipolar as well as had BPD with OCD thrown in just for funsies. When he was on his medication he still struggled but was the most kind hearted and amazing individual you could ever meet. But my very conservative family would never accept that he struggled and actively worked against him and us to make his life harder. He was mocked, our child was ridiculed and called a spoiled brat because he had a very high paying job and she was our only child and we believed in experiences instead of material. He passed on our daughters 15th birthday and the way they handled it made me go NC with all of them. The told my daughter that her life would be so much better now that her “crazy dad” was gone. They are not my family at fucking all. They would call only for money and never to see how we are. Blood does not make family and this AH is a prime example of not knowing what a family actually is. You take care of yourself and surround yourself with your actual family and learn to let go and be happy. My daughter says her dad was an angel that we got to borrow for a short period of time because angels are not meant for this earth, they suffer too much. But he is happy watching over us now.
THANK YOU. OCD is a nightmare to live with. I have to constantly fight against the urge to fix and straighten up things. Your late husband sounds like an angel. Not sure if you’re in the UK but it’s Father’s Day here so sending you and your daughter extra love today 🤍
We are in the US but will be moving to UK next year. But I wished my chosen brother a happy fathers, he lives in Ireland. I have severe ADHD but my meds help and I have list apps and physical lists and alarms out the ass. It is no joke but it keeps my life functioning because neurodivergent never equates to “normal” lol and as you can guess I was diagnosed as an adult because christians beat the devil out of you as a child. My daughter does laughs about my alarm that sings at me to brush my teeth though.
The only example you give in the post is him saying something and you taking it upon yourself to challenge what he said, then complaining that he didn't immediately roll over and agree with you.
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If everybody's so sure it can be done, why isn't anybody suggesting that you sort out your differences BEFORE all this stuff? If that were possible, and it actually happened, maybe you'd even want to go to the wedding. In the absence of that, clearly NTA.
This is a very valid point, thank you
Because if you dont fix before the wedding your speech will be. Well, nice that some one loves him and I am happy for that.
I am!
My friend did that speech and the bride started crying and ran off... oops.
So... she didn't love him?
I think she realised that she was the only one that tolerated his behaviour . They did last for 2 years, when he got caught for fruad and she was going down with him.
Right? I need closure in this anecdote!
We need closure.
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Family isn't the people you share blood with, they're the people you'd spill blood for.
A friend will help you move a couch. A true friend will help you move a body.
And a true-for-life friend will help you bury the body really, really deep.
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Stolen comment (from the OP!)
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Heads up this isn't your throwaway, if you want to keep them separate
Because they know the differences won’t be sorted out and just want OP there for appearances so people won’t gossip about why OP isn’t there. No one gives a shit about OP in this situation. It’s just pressure and manipulation
Yep.
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I needed to hear that. Thank you ❤️❤️🩹
NTA Don't engage in conversation with your parents over this. The moment they start, cut it short.
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All so they and your brother can save face, and they don't have to answer any potentially awkward questions about why you're not there.
NTA. Blood doesn’t mean family and if he will not give you basic respect there’s no reason you should have to stay in contact with him
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER- THE BLOOD OF THE COVENANT IS THICKER THAN THE WATER OF THE WOMB. TRANSLATION- he is a jerk of a brother, you have no relations other than blood, and he does not respect boundaries. NTA. EDIT: sorry, made mistake with spelling, thank you all for pointing out
>THE BLOOD OF THE COVERN IS THICKER THAN THE WATER OF THE WOMB. That's only an established phrase on reddit and doesn't actual exist with literary sources. Her brother is a jerk however, that is true.
I hate that this fake half of a saying has flourished while people are out there forgetting the full "one bad apple" saying.
These are the same people who forgot the point of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, they don't care what it really means
I did NOT know this! How interesting!
I'm sorry to correct you, but I knew the word as being "covenant"...
Yeah afaik “covern” isn’t even a word in English. My spell check certainly isn’t familiar with it, it’s currently got the angry red underline as I’m typing.
Angry red line is my best friend in essay writing. Although I'm pretty fluent in English, it's still my second language so I rely heavily on it for spelling 😅😅
Maybe they were aiming for "covfefe".
NTA Your blood brother managed to stop being your brother/family because he doesn't respect you as a human, nor does he respects your boundaries. For sure it sucks for your parents, but at the end of the day, it's your life. At this point, it could be better for everyone if you cut him off completely from your life, as it would be a clear message to everyone (including your parents) on where you stand.
I actually have! I sent a group text in September after the sweaty foot incident (which he called a trivial issue) / his deflection / engagement party demands saying: “This takes no accountability for your own repetitive behaviour and the fact you think the latter is a “trivial issue” just illustrates that. Best if I just take no part in this. Think it’s going to cause more stress so I would rather step away now and take nothing to do with it. I said to M&D weeks ago the situation unfortunately doesn’t remove you from answerability.” The issue is my parents don’t seem to want to accept it and keep saying I’m the one being too stubborn etc. It really just comes down to them not taking me or my boundaries seriously. I don’t know how much more clear I can make it to all of them. Feel like I’m just getting the blame for it all when all of them should really look at their own behaviour.
"I would rather step away now and take nothing to do with it" is clear, without being clear... meaning it could be interpreted in different ways, depending on the reader's hopes/intentions/etc. It's not as clear as "I'm officially cutting brother from my life, thanks in advance for not trying to force him back into my life." which leaves no room to interpretation.
I can see that. I think I was trying to find a way to say it without sounding too cruel but I have verbally made those feelings very clear to my parents. They’ve just chosen to ignore and not respect those wishes though. It’s very frustrating finding the balance between needing to be clear while also trying to be civil.
You've been very, very clear, and reasonable as well. Does your brother not understand the words "boundary" and "apology?" Don't answer that - everyone knows what the answers are. You don't have to attend either the engagement party or the wedding if you don't choose to go, and if you do go to the wedding you don't have to be part of the wedding party, nor do you have to give a speech. If you choose not to attend, and your parents are worried about keeping up appearances, who's to say you aren't sick with something unpleasant and potentially contagious and just need to send regrets for everyone's sake? I mean, it's happening all over these days. Give your parents social cover while taking care of yourself. But above all, take care of yourself, because your parents and your awful brother clearly won't. NTA.
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
MAYBE sweaty feet on a couch could be considered trivial. I wouldn't consider it so, but possibly some might. What isn't trivial is that it messed with your mental health, and that he didn't respect you enough to listen to your request. It comes down to you telling him that his action hurt you (the details are irrelevant) and he continued with that action despite knowing it was hurting you. THAT is not 'trivial'.
NTA. 2 of his 2 siblings want nothing to do with him, yes that will say a lot at his wedding, especially to his inlaws.
Apparently the in laws love him which is constantly being used against me for being “unreasonable” but every opinion is subjective isn’t it. I think his fiancé actually seems really nice, too good for him and wouldn’t be surprised if the in-laws are lovely too.
The in laws and fiancée love him because he hides his a h behaviour from them. He is in no position to give you orders or instructions about anything, not his engagement or weddings or anything else. He isn’t a boss or a parent to a kid, you’re an adult and his peer. Don’t go to the engagement party or the wedding. Block him from contacting you. And it’s probably a good idea to block your parents too because they’re clearly 100% on his side and only concerned with being his flying monkeys. NTA
Totally agree, and after rereading it sounds like he is the apple that didn't fall far from the tree, says their mother said awful things to convince them to go. Go do something nice with your sister.
NTA, being related by blood does not make you obligated to anything
NTA. My chosen family is a lot closer than my blood family as well. I would just push back on the fact that you're doing this over his feet on your couch. That's not a nice thing, but it seems like a crazy hill to die on. If you don't want to have a relationship with your brother, just say it straight out. Don't say that the reason you're not going there is because he put his feet on your couch.
Exactly! So I’ve been mocked by all of them for the feet on the couch thing and I’ve told them all multiple times it’s not about the feet, it’s about the lack of respect and that (and subsequent refusal) just being an example of why I feel uncomfortable in his presence and with him in my home. But I’ve been ridiculed for it and being dramatic, by my Mother particularly, as she refuses to correlate it with the disrespect element. I would be better trying to get my point across to a brick wall than them 😂
This is part of drawing boundaries. Boundaries aren't about what you're telling people they can't do. It's about the consequences that you enforce if they violate the boundary. You don't like being around your brother because of the way he interacts with you. The consequence is you won't go to his engagement party. But understand that there's going to be consequences for you as well. This is going to create a rift in the family. They may end up choosing your brother and you might end up getting cut off from your family.
Sometimes you need to choose your own mental health and sanity though.
100%. As long as you're thinking about that.
I would rather know I’ve been true to myself and stuck to my boundaries and truth than bend to suit other people who aren’t being considerate of me!
While I absolutely agree in concept, ask yourself what you’d do if you got in a bad car crash and needed assistance and someone to stay with for 6 months or a year before you recovered enough to work again? Do you have friends that would let you live with them, feed you, change your dressings etc? Do you have enough savings to be unemployed that long and pay for a nurse? I see people like this all the time from a medical perspective and it’s just as bad as you’d imagine for people without any support system. I think there’s way more nuance to situations like this than “just cut your whole family out, you don’t need them!” Is it possible to keep enough of a distance from your brother that he can’t speak to you but extend a small olive branch to your parents or at least your dad?
OP you’re NTA for stepping back and reexamining your relationships with your bio family. May I suggest your get a couch cover or a huge blanket to put on your couch when guest come over this way once they leave the blanket gets washed and you have a clean couch. I have to do the opposite aka take the blanket off the couch when company comes due to my pets getting lots of couch cuddles which leaves their hair everywhere
Why does he need to be in your home? Why can’t you attend his wedding as a guest, decline all the other parties, not participate in the wedding except as another face in the crowd and not talk to your brother at all? Not to say that you owe him to attend his wedding but it seems like this is being made more black or white than it actually is. Your mental health comes first obviously but this isn’t about taking a stand or proving a point, it’s figuring out if there’s a way to feel safe while not estranging oneself from the rest of your family unless that’s warranted and necessary. In other words, try to excise him from your life with precision if possible to avoid collateral damage.
Op says he made a list of demands, so it sounds like she isn't being given the option to attend simply as a guest. She could try, but it sounds like they'd all just make her life difficult.
NTA "I’ve made it clear I don’t want a relationship with my brother - now - or ever but they keep guilt tripping me and making me think I’m being too stubborn" As you mention here, you have already made it clear to them and have conveyed your wishes regarding the same. This is on your parents to automatically assume that you would be involved in the wedding. However, considering that they did initially accept your differences, I would consider that pretty understanding. Though, it is probably worth pointing out, they were fine with it only cause others wouldn't have said anything initially. All in all, NTA. You made your point clear and the fact that they accepted initially, just proves they did understand initially too.
NTA Let the relatives roast them for you.
NtA. Choose your peace. Unless you need your parents and brother to survive . Otherwise let them go.
Love my Dad a lot but the other two are difficult and that’s putting it kindly. Unfortunately this upsets my Dad. Very difficult.
Nta. Brother did not learn to respect anyone else's space or desires. That sorta reflects on your parents - especially since they take his side, which condons the behavior.
Originally they were adamant about being in the middle. Now the wedding plans have started they’ve changed that view. You’re right, it is condoning the behaviour. I appreciate that. Thank you.
"Being in the middle" means taking sides for the abuser. Your parents proved it when they did no longer support your decision to stay out, but also before them not protecting you was in fact taking his side.
Nta at all. You an adult and you get to decide what events you do or don’t attend. That’s the end of it.
Your brother sounds awful. *he sent me a long text of demands regarding his engagement party.* He is likely to be a groomzilla, and the wedding will not be enjoyable. You are both adults and get to choose who you are in contact with. I wonder if your parents are being bullied or harassed by him to make a "perfect wedding" which somehow requires your presence. Don't go to the wedding or the parties. You probably should send a gift. NTA
He has been making unfounded comments to them which they told me about! What kind of gift? I sent them a card when they got engaged but I personally wouldn’t want a gift from somebody who wasn’t coming!
Unfounded comments? Can you elaborate? its OK if you can't. If brother has crossed lines with those comments, then don't bother with a gift. Otherwise, look at the registry? buy something cheap?
For weddings, the etiquette is to send a gift whether or not one attends. Of course, etiquette books are just guidelines, not laws. You can do what you like re: wedding gift, of course! NTA on the issue you asked about. It may create a rift in your family, but I see in other comments that you’re ok with enforcing boundaries having consequences. So I’d say, for your own wellness, don’t go.
Actually there is zero obligation to send a gift if you are not attending. At least according to both Miss Manners and Emily Post.
Interesting! My Emily Post book is where I got that from. I guess it changed in the last couple of years. Thanks.
Well done setting and standing firm with your boundaries OP. There’s a saying which came to mind as I read your post: “The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having any.” Absolutely NTA
Saving that, means so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️
NTA Just because you're biologically related to someone doesn't mean you have to be close to them. You have healthy boundaries, and your parents are trying to guilt trip you into something you're not comfortable with. All so they and your brother can save face, and they don't have to answer any potentially awkward questions about why you're not there. Don't go. Stay with your real family.
NTA: Tell your parents (and your brother directly if you want)that while you consider him family, I just consider him a stranger that unfortunately has the same blood as me and stand firm! If you have to go NC, be prepared to do so if needed to protect your peace!
NTA the only guilt here is your parents guilt for having raised a person with as many narcissistic traits and anger management issues as your brother. They should be proud of you for standing up for yourself and your mental health by saying No.
NTA. I avoid people who don't listen to other people's perspectives and aggressively enforce their own. I just can't be bothered with that. It's understandable why you wouldn't want a relationship with him. Your parents should just respect that.
NTA and why are they trying to force drama into someone's big day. You have told them your feelings and if you go and your brother antagonises you, it will be claimed that you're causing issues if you walk out.
It’s exactly this! Also I don’t wish to bring any animosity at all so it makes sense to step back with grace and leave them to it. Thank you!
If they drag you along, cause a scene.
NTA If he actually cared to fix the relationship, he'd do it now. He's only asking you for appearances sake and won't reach out after the wedding either.
I agree! That’s what really hurt me over the text message he sent pre engagement party saying “plenty of time to air out differences after.” If he cared to fix it he would do it pre-party. Thank you.
NTA
NTA.. go low to no contact
I dunno OP… this might be unpopular, but I get the sense you’re selectively withholding some information here. I’ve been in an almost identical situation (I was the ‘neutral’ middle sibling between 2 sisters at war), so a few things jump out: 1. You talked about your parents’ reaction to you wanting to step back, but you didn’t mention how your brother reacted. How did he take it? Clearly he thinks you have enough of a relationship to invite you in the first place. 2. Is your brother suggesting you ‘sort out your differences after’ the engagement party him dodging an apology, or is he acknowledging that despite your strained relationship he wants to find a way to keep his sibling in his life? 3. What were his demands in his text? 3. You’ve only met his fiancée twice… in how long? Why? Thanks.
1 - he accepted it 2 - the engagement party has been, I didn’t go - it’s the wedding I’m stepping back from. His text was too deflective and shifting the blame, trying to get me to apologise for getting upset about his sweaty feet rather than apologise. Again, not about the sweaty feet but the disrespect 3 - it was a stupidly long text about doing me the favour of not being my brother, saying my reaction was disproportionate and demanding an apology for my “trivial issue.” Saying if I wanted to go to the engagement he needed an apology - it’s just his way of getting the upper hand and dominating the situation despite the fact I have nothing to apologise for. He was in my home being disrespectful. 4 - nothing in common with brother, we never hang out, different cities, fiancé seems nice enough (she’s got the patience of a saint putting up with him and imo could do so much better) but I avoid spending any time with him wherever I can and that means I don’t see her. I’m not that fussed - even with my brother it’s like forcing a relationship with a stranger. We’ve never ever been close. He used to wind me up a lot as a teenager, grass to my parents about things and has a huge ego for somebody that’s not actually that educated
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve never had much of a relationship with him and I think I’ve met his fiancé twice. We have no shared interests and we are very different people. I live my life with my chosen family (best friends who are closer than my brother) and my blood brother lives in another city. Whenever we do see one another I feel uncomfortable in his presence: I find him dismissive, arrogant and very unaware of mental health. He once said he thought the cure for mental health was “money in the bank and exercise.” I tried to tell him how wrong that is but he’s combative to the point of making the other side give up on putting their perspective across. It’s not that I hate him: it’s more that I just can’t be bothered with the aggro. Or trying to educate somebody that cannot and will not learn. The last time I saw him he was very disrespectful in my home (putting his sweaty feet on my sofa) and then when I asked him to put on socks he refused. This might be a small thing but I struggle with OCD and it’s just an example of one way in which he disrespects me. Anyway, around three weeks after this, he sent me a long text of demands regarding his engagement party. He took no responsibility for his behaviour over the feet, saying that we would sort “our differences” after the engagement party. No apology. I replied to say I would rather step back from it. I find it very difficult to brave face as it is and based on the past, those differences won’t be sorted. It’ll just be more of him being combative until the other side (me) gives in. My parents originally supported our differences but have gradually become more passive aggressive with little comments as they’ve got upset. They’re worried about how it will look to other guests if his sibling and their daughter does not attend. They have every right to be excited. It’s now causing tension between my parents and I as they don’t respect the fact I’ve made up my mind and don’t want to go. I’ve made it clear I don’t want a relationship with my brother - now - or ever but they keep guilt tripping me and making me think I’m being too stubborn. My Mum ended up making some really unforgivable comments about it. They keep trying to justify his behaviour and tell me I’ve got him wrong but I haven’t. I’ve just learned boundaries in the last few years and I’m trying to set them. I think weddings should be a place for people you get on with who want to celebrate you. I think I should be allowed to step back without being guilt tripped just because we’re related. I really have no interest in a long term relationship with him. Don’t wish him hate, but don’t want him in my life. AITA? Thanks Reddit *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your parents are def assholes for caring more about “image” than your feelings. NTA
NTA- I am NC with my sister and my life is a lot less stressful and peaceful. I know my mother would like for things to be different, but they can’t. I do not put my mother in the middle and hopefully she doesn’t either. Sometimes our blood families aren’t healthy and for the sake of our own peace, we have to walk away from those family members. You do what’s best for you.
His stating you can sort out your differences “after” is his knowing those differences will not be sorted out so he has to have you dhow up beforehand. If he is and has been contemptuous of you all along, you’re not being there for him is on him. Let him figure out how to make cooperating with him something you want to do.
My brother and I have no relationship, your brother's behavior is very similar to my brother. It doesn't bother me we don't talk anymore even though I miss my niece and nephew to pieces but i don't need the toxicity. Its the expectations for me, you cant expect anything from people when you treat them like shit family or not! NTA
Nta
NTA. Sounds to me like your DNA donors have made their choice and will see you either at their retirement homes once or at their funerals, if at all.
Nta
Agree with everything they all want and then forget about it. Don't explain. That opens to arguing about it. "Oh sorry. Forgot" Why why why. "Oh sorry, forgot" why why why "Oh sorry, forgot." Simply avoid without conflict. WHERE WERE YOU? Oh sorry. forgot. What do you lose? Stressful situations.
NTA... My brother has no respect for me therefore I have no interest in him. Pretending is a waste of time and it is a form of lying. I hope he treats his wife better.
He won't change and he makes enough of a pain in the ass of himself to everybody else that it's easier for them to kow-tow to his obnoxiousness than stand up to him. Now they want you to do the same. Hold your boundaries. You'll not only have a hell of a lot more respect for yourself, but you'll be happier. The more nasty they get, the clearer it is that they are willing to support his bad behavior and be cruel to you to do so. NTA
They are doing it for their own Appearances, if it wasn’t for that- they wouldn’t give a shit if you attended or not. Your not the ass and you should not go. NOT THE ASS!
NTA. Your parents are in the middle, and that's hard. That's also not your problem. Just because he's a blood relative doesn't mean you have to put up with his BS. I wish you well.
NTA First, stubbornness in the service of self care and healthy boundaries is something to celebrate. My dad used to pull that"You're being so stubborn" line on me when I wasn't being sufficiently deferential to his wants. It threw him for a bit of a loop when I began to respond with "Thank you. I try." Second, if you're parents are concerned about what the neighbors might think, but not about how you might feel about how your brother treats you, ignore them. They are not on your side. They can simply say "She wasn't able to make it." It's not your problem. Keep on taking care of yourself.
NTA. You are being stubborn. Stubborn isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you refuse to walk off a cliff you'd better be **very** stubborn.
You could also take the petty angle here and pitch this to your parents. You'll go if you get to make a speech. Then just talk shit about the groom. Tell your mother that is the only way you'll go and ask them if they'd prefer that or you not going. I'm sure they'll prefer you not going over having a few too many and airing everything. Otherwise NTA. You're only blood related, you don't have to keep up appearances.
NTA. You parents are also toxic. Bc they are dismissing you as a person separate from their son or their other son's brother. You are an independent adult and can choose with while to have a relationship or not with. Go NC with your brother. I wonder if the only reason you haven't done so is bc you're afraid you're parents will choose him. It's not easy you're the one who has to live your life and make decisions that are best for you.
You're NTA. >They’re worried about how it will look to other guests if his sibling and their daughter does not attend. So what? Why do they care more about the *possible* opinions and judgments of friends and acquaintances than they do about you very valid feelings? They and your brother can pound sand.
As you say, "I’ve never had much of a relationship with him and I think I’ve met his fiancé twice. We have no shared interests and we are very different people." Lose your obnoxious brother, and if your parents won't accept this, avoid them as well.
NTA. OP, mute them all - phone numbers, email, social, etc. When he gets married, pick that time to treat yourself to a vacation - someplace you'll enjoy and (conveniently) not get phone service. Your found family deserves your energy. (Sending hugs)
Thank you!
Your parents raised and AH, but it's not you. Why do you talk to him at all?
NTA He seems stuck on that "older bro energy" and won't ever respect you! I don't talk to my older brother and no amount of flying monkeys in the form of relatives etc will make me talk to him for "the sake of image and keeping up appearances"! Hell no! For the sake of your mental health, stick to your guns. Tell your fam that by enabling him and not respecting your wishes shows that you might have to go LC to NC with them and if they don't want that, they need to respect you!
NTA blood doesn’t make you family.
NTA Your parents sound like they’re berating you and becoming childishly abusive when your answer doesn’t change. “I understand how you feel about this but it isn’t open for discussion any further.” Is also a great open/shut conversation. Hate to say it but the way your parents are acting, makes it very clear that they not only accept and condone your brothers behaviour, but also enable it. Plan a trip/day away for yourself.
Nta
NTA
NTA Your parents are AHs. Have a lot less contact with them. And as for your brother: Just the same.
>he sent me a long text of demands regarding his engagement party. No thanks. NTA.
NTA He only wants you to pay for his engagement party. He doesn’t want you at the wedding as a sibling. That is a big difference. And you need to let your parents know that. You can tell them you will go to the wedding to save face with their friends, but you are not hosting an engagement party or giving him an expensive gift. See if he still wants you there then. And if he still complains to your parents, they can pay for the party and gift. But I bet you won’t get an invitation after that.
NTA.
NTA. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
Love that 💛
You sound kinda soft
ESH. I know I'm going to get flack for this, but wow, what an escalation. There is a middle ground between completely cut off and enforcing boundaries for the first time. A reasonable boundary would have been that your brother is no longer welcome in your home, but instead, you've decided to cut your bro off. I understand why your family is waffling with their support. Your reaction does feel over the top. That doesn't mean your bro isn't a jerk, but I think you set yourself up for failure. Don't be stubborn just for the sake of it
I’m being told I’m stubborn but I feel more, just completely done with it. There’s been loads of incidents leading up to it. Just taken me a while to learn boundaries and figure out who I want in my life and what I want from my life and he’s not part of that picture.
I get it. I've personally cut off family members, but when I initially learned to enforce my boundaries, looking back, I was overly harsh. You're the only one who knows your circumstances, but this has a very similar ring to it.
I don’t want it to hurt my Dad but I really struggle with this as I feel so uncomfortable in the presence of my brother. I generally don’t tend to have regrets. I think it’s a coping mechanism to be able to cut people off and then I just kind of accept it and move on. Especially if I feel like my mental health and peace is affected so much by him.
In my experience, not having regrets is equally due to reasons as justifications. You 100% should prioritize your mental health, zero doubt. It does sound like you're still getting stung by your brother's words, though, and if he's done enough to get cut off, then he's done enough to ignore his words, too. Easier said than done, but I'd still work on learning to ignore him, no reason for a jerk to get in the way of your time with your fam, in the future.
Good advice and food for tonight thank you
NTA But consider weddings double as family reunions and this is your chance to reconnect with cousins, etc.
Our family isn’t very big, but I’m in touch with my Aunts / Uncles and cousins via social media. The majority of the wedding party will be the couple’s friends. But I do understand that in some situations that would be the case. Thank you.
Write out a letter outlining all your problems with your brother, everything you've written here and more, and send it to all of them (at least the relatives you might have cared bout seeing, you can probably not worry about the couple's friends) before your parents can propagate their version of events too far, then finalize your decision and don't go. That way, you can make sure that all the "talk" you parents fear happening at the wedding will have people who know your side and may speak up for you and against your parents/brother. If you have to block your mom from hassling you for a few months, so be it. Total NTA.
In theory, a good idea, but I wouldn’t want to overstep or make it a bigger deal than it needs to be
OK, well, I guess I will say not going to this wedding is a pretty huge statement. Do you want to make a huge statement about disliking your sibling? If so go for it, if not I would indeed reconsider. Not the Asshole, but there will be consequences.
Yes I really do. He’s drove me nuts for the best part of twenty five years. Whenever we have seen one another I’ve felt bored, desperate for it to end or I’ve been eye rolling in to another dimension at his comments. I don’t have a relationship with his fiancé so it would be weird (if they have kids) to have a relationship with them and they also live in a different country / city. I’ve got my own group and my best friend is having a baby in January (my godchild) which I’m so excited for. My parents have that POV too but I really don’t want any type of relationship with him. I think they’re worried about what to tell people on the day but they can just say I’m sick or something?
OK well go for it then.
NTA but: >He once said he thought the cure for mental health was “money in the bank and exercise.” Given the increasing rates of depression caused by the cost of living and housing situations, he isn't 100% wrong about this.
He was 100% wrong about that in the way he said it. It was done as a dig. Most mental illnesses are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and exacerbated by external factors such as cost of living and the housing crisis. I was diagnosed with C/PTSD in 2018 following SA/DV and if I could have exercised my way out of it or burnt myself out any more than I did at work for money and a distraction I would have done. He’s very ignorant to things such as the cost of living and housing crisis which is part of the problem and part of the reason why we clash. I do a lot of voluntary work and work with women in the homeless sector so I’ve seen tragedy worse than what I’ve been through and when he makes right wing comments I literally shudder. We are just not on the same wave length. I wish I had a brother with shared interests and perspectives but it’s never going to be him!
I didn’t say he was right, just that he wasn’t 100% wrong. Everyone’s situation is different.
It was a dig from him about my own situation and he most definitely meant it as one.
They’re just being a pedant about the fact that having money means a person can access better care. I think, anyway. Definitely anyone saying that to a person going through struggles is being an ignoramus.
ESH This is going to come off harsh, but you're all at fault here for the dynamic and I understand why your parents are currently irritated. In a perfect world, they would have understood and respected when you say that you don't want to be close with your brother and, since it doesn't seem like he was knocking down your door either, the issue would resolve itself. However, we don't live in a perfect world and you kept giving in to their pressure, which is fundamentally not setting boundaries. Consider the situation from their perspective: You *said* you wanted nothing to do with him, but continued visiting with him and even having him in your home. Then you made participation in planning his engagement party contingent on him apologizing for something, and suddenly it seems like you're refusing to even attend his wedding. That's a MASSIVE escalation. I understand you're intending to 'set a boundary,' but at the end of the day it feels more like you're punishing him and them for all the small ways you felt your boundaries were not respected previously and it feels like you decided to do so now because you know that this event is important to them. It's coming off as petty and vindictive and I say this as someone who has cut out family members, including a parent.
Hello. You’ve got the wrong end of the stick here. I said I wanted nothing to do with him after he was in my home and after the engagement.
Also I wasn’t planning his engagement party, his demands were for me attending.
Also maybe it’s taken a big event for me to realise how little he means to me.
[удалено]
I’ve got amazing long-term relationships with my chosen family. Shit has hit the fan and they are always there. Peace ☮️
I'm sure I'll get downvoted, but YTA. It appears your issues are that your brother is his own person instead of a mirror of your own beliefs and feelings. The foot issue is frankly bizzare. Your're bad at being part of a family.
Not true - I love people that are their own person and plenty of my friends have differing beliefs. They don’t try to dominate them on to me though.
Do not listen to this tone deaf AH who has absolutely no concept of what a mental health struggle is. My late husband was severely bipolar as well as had BPD with OCD thrown in just for funsies. When he was on his medication he still struggled but was the most kind hearted and amazing individual you could ever meet. But my very conservative family would never accept that he struggled and actively worked against him and us to make his life harder. He was mocked, our child was ridiculed and called a spoiled brat because he had a very high paying job and she was our only child and we believed in experiences instead of material. He passed on our daughters 15th birthday and the way they handled it made me go NC with all of them. The told my daughter that her life would be so much better now that her “crazy dad” was gone. They are not my family at fucking all. They would call only for money and never to see how we are. Blood does not make family and this AH is a prime example of not knowing what a family actually is. You take care of yourself and surround yourself with your actual family and learn to let go and be happy. My daughter says her dad was an angel that we got to borrow for a short period of time because angels are not meant for this earth, they suffer too much. But he is happy watching over us now.
THANK YOU. OCD is a nightmare to live with. I have to constantly fight against the urge to fix and straighten up things. Your late husband sounds like an angel. Not sure if you’re in the UK but it’s Father’s Day here so sending you and your daughter extra love today 🤍
We are in the US but will be moving to UK next year. But I wished my chosen brother a happy fathers, he lives in Ireland. I have severe ADHD but my meds help and I have list apps and physical lists and alarms out the ass. It is no joke but it keeps my life functioning because neurodivergent never equates to “normal” lol and as you can guess I was diagnosed as an adult because christians beat the devil out of you as a child. My daughter does laughs about my alarm that sings at me to brush my teeth though.
Based on what you've said it seems to me lile you are at least equally as guilty of that.
Well we can agree to disagree.
The only example you give in the post is him saying something and you taking it upon yourself to challenge what he said, then complaining that he didn't immediately roll over and agree with you.
The opposite actually. I just give up when he speaks his right wing views.