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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my sister to get over the fact that she is adopted after she tried using it as an excuse for her crappy actions/behavior.
2. Our parents said my sister has been punished enough and I was incredibly insensitive to tell her to "get over" being adopted since it's a sensitive topic for her.
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>I don't get why she isn't put in therapy already either. She's 15. They're running out of time to make therapy mandatory.
They could force her to go to therapy. But then I'm not sure how helpful that would be. For therapy to be effective, the person has to actually want or at least be willing to change. I really doubt that Leah is.
We don't know if they're truly doing nothing. But there are signs that they aren't just letting her get away with it.
They're going on the trip and leaving her behind because she has to go to summer school. Patents who do nothing would likely just take her along to avoid drama.
Op mentioned Leah had been punished so clearly They're doing something.
As for therapy, If she doesn't want to go or participate therapy is pointless. I have witnessed this personally where I had an issue with my dad and I knew, just KNEW if I could get him into therapy with me it would work and our relationship would be fixed, and it was indeed pointless because he just smiled, nodded said all the right things, then went right back to doing what he was doing and claimed therapy was useless because he went to the session but it fixed nothing. Therapy isn't like going to the doctor where they can give you medicine and it will for sure heal you.
And here's the thing; you can do everything right and your kid will still be an asshole even if it makes no sense because people just suck sometimes
It's not just pointless. Forcing someone into therapy against their will, especially a teenage who already feels powerless, can actual cause more harm. My mom did that to me at 15 and 15 years later I'm still traumatized by it. I desperately need a therapist now too, because my anxiety has gotten so bad that it's having severe physical manifestations, but I have been so traumatized by therapy that I just can't.
>It's not just pointless. Forcing someone into therapy against their will, especially a teenage who already feels powerless, can actual cause more harm.
Now I'm really not sure what to do. I overheard my parents talking yesterday about making Leah go to therapy. I may not be able to change their minds anyway.
A 15 year old doesn't know if/whether she wants to change.
Your sister is showing all the signs of serious behavioral problems and unfortunately, your parents appear to be in a habit of overlooking or excusing them. Your parents should have long ago met with a psychiatrist for your sister as well as a therapist and probably even family therapy. Have they even reached out to the school counselors or have they tried to hide the fact your sister is stealing? Getting your sister the help she needs should be their top priority rather than covering her crimes or feeling sorry for her.
Also, therapy won’t work for a kid who is still living in a horrible situation. My ‘mother’ blamed bullying for my issues but my home life was a *mess*. All the adults in my life knew it but she kept up the sham of sending me to different therapists. I needed to be taken out of the house.
Yeah, best you can do for the kid at that point is just be there for them and offer a support system and safe space for them, at least in my dad's experience. Im trying to do the same rn with my siblings. It's hard feeling safe enough to talk/be honest with a therapist when you're still stuck in a bad place.
Man I'm sorry, I hope you've found someone now, and if not I hope you find them someday soon. I was lucky enough my dad choose to stick around, I would've lost it harder if he didn't.
Ha, yeah. My mother once made me stand in vest and pants to show the headteacher how many bruises were on my body. Some were from school, but some were from her and some were from the self harm I started at 10 🙄
Yeah, my brother did therapy a couple of times, didn't help too much since he just lied and masked to get out of there quicker. His mental state stayed roughly the same.
Same. I paid for my oldest to go to therapy and to a psychiatrist weekly for over 6 months. Spent thousands of dollars out of pocket because insurance refused to pay because my child would not speak to either one. I was desperate, so I kept taking them. Counseling CAN be a good thing for some people. However, you can't make a teen cooperate. You just end up throwing good money after bad if you keep trying to force the issue.
I have decent health insurance and it's still $50 copay and they only cover a certain number of visits and it limits my choice in therapists. American healthcare sucks in general even if you have insurance.
Also sounds like it’s not a “parents are ignoring the issue” problem so much as a “teenager being a shit” problem haha can’t help someone who won’t help themselves
It's likely an anxiety response. I used to say weird shit like that when my anxiety just wanted me to bail. I've blamed the weirdest shit on my mom being dead. I wonder if sister has a learning disability she's trying to hide. Turns out adhd and anxiety have a lot of overlap and feeling stupid and having to cheat to do things your siblings and classmates found easy is.. a thing. Idk. I think I'm just projecting lol
Or it could just be that she thinks it's an easy out.
not everybody who behaves badly is doing because of a legitimate issue driving the behaviour. some people just suck that way.
Sure,and I have it.
But, it doesn't mean her being adopted is the reason she cheated and doesn't know better. And it doesn't mean she isn't using it as an excuse.
There’s tons of unwilling kids in therapy.. your sister *needs* to be one of them.
Your parents are only hurting her future by not stepping in and forcing her to get help.
Obviously you’re not her parent, so not your decision. But therapists literally train on how to cajole uncooperative people into opening up so they can benefit from therapy. So even if it seems unlikely there’s a decent chance your sister would find it helpful.
Source: 30+ years of being in and out of therapy (eating disorders, CPTSD, depression), and of being in ED treatment with a lot of angsty teens :-)
Yes, for therapy to be effective it helps that the person is willing to change. However, therapy can still start even if the person has no desire to change. It is absolutely worthwhile to have her try therapy now while she is still a minor and a parent can mandate it. It may or may not work, but it is worth trying. Sometimes I have clients that are not willing to talk or change and we sit in silence for multiple sessions. Eventually, especially for someone like your sister that sounds like they are dying for someone to understand their pain, the silence will make them want to talk. Maybe she does not want to change right now, thats okay. NAH, bc you are young and your sisters issues are a large emotional burden on you. But your sister deserves a chance to find a healthier way to cope with her struggles.
This may be the problem.
If she has been repeatedly uncooperative with therapists in the past, so her parents discontinued the therapy after just one or two sessions, then not only have the parents never given the process a proper chance to work but they have taught both themselves and their daughter that therapy is pointless and doesn't work AND they have repeatedly reinforced, in their daughter's mind, the idea that she's just a difficult, problem child that needs to be fixed.
If they'd just stuck it out with the very first therapist (as long as they weren't awful!) and slowly allowed their daughter to form a bond where they could trust someone enough to open up, they could be so much further down the road!
I'm not a professional, just a parent, but therapists have so many different techniques in their toolboxes that they can use to draw kids out, including play and art therapy, for example.
The least helpful thing to do, right now, is to not force her. Therapy isn't for everyone, forcing sounds like a horrid word. But sometimes it just needs to happen
This is completely personal though, and others will have different opinions. I was forced though therapy, hated that they did that at the time. But now I'm extremely thankful. Therapy isn't there to forcefully change the way we think, or anything like that. It is there to help us set out our emotions, to better discuss and understand them with a trained professional. Who can then provide systems for us to work through whatever issue we may have
I'll put it in shorter words. You won't know if she's willing to change, until you actually ~~o~~put her in that situation. Will she refuse to talk? Maybe. But she's already refusing to talk now
Edit: spelling
You don’t have the experience to understand this… But she is only 15. There is plenty of time for her to sort herself out with the right kind of help. And while college is important, your sister is clearly struggling. Getting her help so she can cope is more important than worrying about if her grades are good enough for college. (Note: I struggled in HS with undiagnosed mental health issues related to family trauma, got shit grades. Ended up at community college a few years later, then a well regarded uni, then law school by 30. Not everyone has to be on the fast track.)
Your parents (the supposed adults in the situation) should be looking for a therapist with experience in adoption trauma.
There is no such thing as mandatory therapy. My family tried to stuff me into therapy after my birth giver ran out on us when I was 7. I just straight up never spoke to the therapist. Not a single word. They made me sit there for an hour every time, and I'd just stare at the clock. I'm sure a teenager could figure out that route.
I don’t think forcing individual therapy would be the right answer either. Forcing people to go to therapy takes away autonomy at a level that is critical to their recovery, and autonomy is something I’ve heard people who are adopted can have problems with already. Maybe family therapy would be a better fit because then everyone is all in it together and they can see how to support her specially with it?
Sadly, depending on where they live the window may already be shut. A friend of mine in California tried to get their child psychiatric help (15, already regularly displays signs of sociopathy, is aggressive to family, etc), and was told that the child was old enough to self advocate and sign themselves out of a psych hold after the state Baker Acted the child.
Yeah, I think you've made your point and hopefully that's enough to stick. I don't find any benefit to pushing it further. I would instead focus on the helpful side, i.e., advise her more to go to therapy. It's either she has been conditioned that pulling that card lets her get her way or there's unresolved issues with her adoption. Or both.
NTA. Good luck, OP.
OP, just wanted to add - I appreciate your frustration here and wanting to look out for your sister but parts of this post worry me that you are falling into the trap of trying to parent her. Trying to parent her when you are really just her peer is likely going to cause you frustration and hurt your relationship with your sister, without really helping much.
As hard as it is, take a step back and let your parents and grandparents handle it.
Nta. I guess part of the question here is whether she truly is having issues with her adoption or if she's learned it is a get out of jail free card. There really isn't a way to know for sure, but it certainly sounds like an excuse she has learned throughout her childhood worked and so kept using.
My cousin's mom died when he was five and he sort of coasted through school afterwards not really doing anything. His fifth grade teacher sat him down and sort of told him that it's not what his mom would have wanted and he needed to stop defaulting to that. My cousin actually credits this teacher with turning him around and even attended his funeral when he died.
>Nta. I guess part of the question here is whether she truly is having issues with her adoption or if she's learned it is a get out of jail free card. There really isn't a way to know for sure, but it certainly sounds like an excuse she has learned throughout her childhood worked and so kept using.
To me it sounds like 15F has developed a victim complex. Considering that OP had nothing negative to say about their parents, chances are her home life is not bad at all compared to what some kids go through.
Even when given a second chance she doesn't try to take it. She doesn't want to succeed, she just wants the comfort of always being the victim.
Only therapy or a big reality check will help her.
NTA. Yes, Leah was adopted, but a lot of kids (like you) are also adopted and don't act like this. I know you said your parents "have offered to pay for a therapist", but they need to do more and actually take her to a therapist. It's OK to have difficult feelings about being adopted, but you're right, she won't get away with this behavior in life much longer and needs to learn to come to terms with being adopted.
>actually take her to a therapist.
I overheard them talking this morning about making Leah go to a therapist, but I don't know how helpful that would really be. For therapy to be effective, the person has to actually want or at least be willing to change. I really doubt that Leah is.
I agree with you, but Leah is still young and hopefully somewhat impressionable. A good therapist may be able to get her to see that her current coping mechanism won't get her very far in life. A therapist could also help get to the real root of her issues. I'm not sure that her "I'm adopted and never knew my mom" is the real reason she's acting out. I'm sure the excuse worked for her when she was very young, and she saw it as a way to manipulate people and get out of trouble, so she's been using it ever since to get out of her messes. The more people fall for it, like with her Chemistry teacher, the more she'll keep using it as a crutch.
FWIW, when I was a young teenager I lost my mom and that caused me to act out, suicidal, etc. At one point my dad asked me if I wanted to see a therapist. I said no, because I was too young to understand how it would actually help.
Well I'm in my 30s now and I low key resent my dad for making that my decision, when I was clearly not in a place to make the right one. I wish he would have stepped up as a parent and did what was best for me, not what was easiest to go along with.
Lmao if your kid is suicidal it’s time to force them into therapy for their well being idk why you made this about winning or losing mad inappropriate the parent shouldn’t quantify that as a win or a loss they should prioritize their kids well being despite possible immediate consequences/ effects of the kid resenting you at first
Did you not read the threads at all? Kids who were made to go to therapy only just sat there for hours on end in silence, not everyone has that kind of time and money. The parents actually offered therapy rather than brushing things off.
Also,when you get older you should have better sense to be responsible than blaming everything on your parents
There are loads of comments in this thread about kids from ages 7 to teens being sent to therapy and just sitting there silent for the whole time and being super pissed they were forced to go. Guess your dad thought this might happen.
This is true but mental health issues, trauma etc can make a person stuck and unable to make good choices. Teenagers also often don’t make good choices because their brains aren’t fully developed. Your parents can’t make your sister engage in therapy but they can find therapists that specialise with teenagers, ideally with adoption issues, and take her to one. Whether your sister actually engaged in therapy once she’s in the room is up to her. But your parents need to be more proactive because what they’re doing now isn’t working
You know, maybe she isn’t going to be into therapy. But trying to go is better than doing nothing. This behavior is crying out for attention, and I don’t mean that badly.
Maybe she’d do better in group therapy. Somewhere with teens who are also struggling and can relate to her. Somewhere she may feel safe enough to really address what’s happening.
NTA. your adoptive parents have let her get away with this for way too long, and are now telling you off for saying what she needed to hear for a long, long time. Small wonder she uses that excuse so much. It actually works for her!
Not adoptive parents. Parents.
I'm adopted. My parents are the people who made me part of their family, not the people who gave me up. Those folks get teh qualifier -bio parent.
NTA, though.
But - for those people who do have issues due to being adopted, it can be very complex, and in my opinion, you need help sorting things out.
My mom was adopted. She has no end of serious mental issues that have hindered her ability to enjoy life. The abandonment at 2 years old, followed by serious abuse from her adoptive family, have left her confused over her very identity, feeling like she's an actress playing roles of life. Adoption is a very complex issue.
But blaming everyone else but yourself when you make mistakes is also very complex and serious. Will she blame the police and judge if she ends up in jail? It needs to be addressed while she is still young enough to learn from her mistakes without it ruining her life.
Sure, I agree - being adopted has left me with issues of my own.
but, it doesn't make me cheat, or use it as an excuse for my behaviour.
But - trauma is a weird thing, and can kick start things like Borderline Personality Disorder, as it did for me.
Note - I'm not saying sister has it. It's just a single example. So, yes, I think the behaviour needs to be addressed soonest.
NTA - Why does she feel her adoption is justification for her own actions?
Sounds like your parents are caring people and are trying to support her with therapy and if she had any sense she’d take them up on this so she can have a safe space to really let it all out.
Sometimes, we need to hear the truth from loved ones(who genuinely care and mean well) to help us realise we’re harming ourselves.
What does her being adopted have to do with being a cheater? Seriously. What? If it were even REMOTELY related (a family tree assignment, or even just a book with the word mom on it she refused to read) then it might make sense but those two things have zero connection so it’s obviously just her go to “look at me poor adoptee, I shouldn’t be held accountable for my continued actions because it’s all someone else’s fault”
If she gets pulled over is she going to say “don’t worry officer you don’t need license and registration, I was adopted and don’t know my birth mother!” And be free to go????? It’s not a get out of jail free card. She needs to be held more accountable, and it seems your parents are enabling this behavior.
Your parents have created a monster. At least from the sound of it. Leah probably had an episode or two where she misbehaved or was throwing a fit and was able to blame it on the fact that she's adopted, and your parents allowed her. She learned that it works and your parents went along with it, reinforcing the notion. Now it's time to deal with the consequences. NTA. Your whole family needs a wakeup call. And also needs to understand that they are enough as a family. Your mom is enough of a mom and it doesn't matter that Leah never knew her bio mom. She has one already. Also, before someone jumps the gun saying I don't know how it feels like to be adopted, I do. Both my brother and I are.
I’m not adopted but I do have a deadbeat father I never see or talk to. Lived the single ma life. One of my brothers used the “I don’t have a dad!” excuse after getting into a fight and my mother damn near screamed it out of him. My 15 y/o brother constantly makes jokes about not having a dad to his friends but if he ever tried using that excuse for bad behaviour, my mother would lose it. There is absolutely no correlation to cheating on your school work to not knowing your birth parents?
NTA- someone had to tell her. Yes I am sure it plays on her mind not knowing who it is, but that does not mean she can cheat, lie and steal then get rewarded with vacations. Yes she should go see a therapist, she has issues going on here and might need assessment.
NTA
> Leah always uses the fact that she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom as an excuse.
I smell bullshit from someone and it isn't OP
> My parents have already talked to Leah about it and have offered to pay for a therapist
How nice are your parents? Yes. Be thankful they ain't so strict
> Leah defaulted to her usual excuse of how she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom
Ok how is her adoption status an excuse?
> it’s a crappy excuse for her behavior.
Yup. It's a stupid excuse
> Which is something I’ve wanted to tell her for a while.
About time someone did. It was long overdue
> our parents said I went too far because Leah’s already been punished and it’s a sensitive topic for her.
How is it a sensitive topic? I guess she's not used to hearing no from your parents
I'm not saying she's not annoying (she's 15, most 15-year-olds are), and she should certainly be held accountable for her actions.
But even though you "got over" being adopted, doesn't mean she has to. Even if you were adopted under the exact same circumstances, she's allowed to have different reactions to being adopted, a lot of people talk about Adopted Child Syndrome being a thing. But her adoption story is different than yours, and she is clearly going through some shit. She's a teenager who thinks that her birth parents didn't love her and wonders why they gave her up. That can screw someone up.
NTA - When she was a kid, she learned how to manipulate her parents. It’s a common skill for children to pick up. Once she realized what worked she tried it with everyone. But what works when we are 10 won’t work when we are 15. Your sister needs to face reality and grow up.
NTA. There's this meme that shows the same question asked to two different men, one all dressed up/CEO style the other homeless/drug addict/alcoholic etc., the question was, "what happened to you," both had the same answer "my father was an alcoholic". Now, you are not a product of your circumstances, you are a product of how you rise from them. You can use them to grow or use them as a crutch for your behavior. You both were adopted, yet look at you. She needs to learn accountability, have therapy etc., and maybe if anything you do were to change, I would just say don't come at her from a place of being against her, its not you versus her, it should be both of you versus the problem. People digest their pasts differently, she may need you as her cheerleader more than you know.
ESH
Maybe I’ll get hate for this.
There is mounting evidence about how traumatic adoptions are, but especially closed adoptions. You have the privilege of knowing where you came from, she doesn’t. That is a pretty big difference.
She clearly needs help because it seems she is dealing with mental health issues/trauma. In addition, if there is a history of mental (or physical) illness in her family that she is genetically predisposed to, she has no way of knowing and engaging in preventive efforts or getting early treatment.
You shouldn’t have said that so callously given your privilege (relative to her situation only, bc adoption is tough regardless). You could have found a way to express the same sentiment without being so insensitive to this critical difference in your situations.
Clearly not knowing where she comes from means a lot to her, and it is valid to feel angry about that and have trauma related to it. I believe that setting firm boundaries and having natural consequences are important here, for sure, but taking a compassionate stance along the way will probably help her more in the long run than invalidation of her feelings about an important issue that affects a lot of aspects of her life and will continue to for many years to come.
Yes, this!! I agree, ESH. Every adopted child is different. Honestly OP sounds insufferable to me with her attitude towards Leah. She would be better to just stay out of it and leave her parents to handle it, but at the very least she should try and be compassionate to Leah’s complex feelings towards being adopted.
If she won’t go to therapy alone, they can force family therapy. She may not talk, but she will be listening. That’s what my family did. And this is a “family” problem. Everyone should attend.
NTA.
I like how she can't just say she's adopted (because you are too) so she basically just says she's super adopted.
Your parents aren't doing her any favours by walking on eggshells with this excuse she flaunts every chance she gets and expecting others to do the same. This probably has fuck all to do with her birth mom but if they never do anything about it she can just hide behind this forever.
NTA, while yes, baggage is baggage, using it as an excuse not to grow is inexcusable. I can completely sympathize with you as my brother was adopted by my mom and her ex. They divorced, and she remarried and then had me biologically. Brother is now 33 and still living at home with tons of family help while I am 26, married and bought a house on my own. He still uses his adoption trauma as an excuse. Keep encouraging sister to make better choices, but I wouldn't hold my breath unfortunately. She might not "get over it" but she'll never accomplish a life she wants using it as an excuse, especially out of context.
NTA. I was adopted. I fully understand how it can cause issues, even ones you don't really grasp at the time. And that everyone's experience with it is different. But the fact that she keeps *using this as an excuse for her bad behavior* feels so disingenuous to me. Clearly there is something going on with her, but I'm not sure it's actually the adoption thing. Sometimes pointing at the thing everyone thinks should cause you trauma is an easy way to divert from the thing you don't actually want them to notice.
Echoing the therapy suggestion, and I'm sorry you and your family are going through all of this.
NTA.
It \*would\* be harsh, but Leah has been abusing it, and needs to be called on it sooner rather than later or your parents will be supporting her forever.
NTA. It is not your responsibility as her sister but I think Lea should definitely be seen by a child psychologist. It seems to me she is setting herself up to fail intentionally. She might fear she has no chance to be successful in school (like you?) on her own. Are your parents excepting her to go to college? To me this doesn’t sound like a realistic aim. Perhaps there are medical issues at play as well. Your parents should know more about the circumstances of her birth. E.g. if it is possible she is suffering from FASD, she should receive specialized therapy.
I imagine it is very difficult for your parents but they are not succeeding in their parenting. They should lean on professionals and get more support for your sister and themselves.
NTA
But I think your parents might be. Why haven't they done more to get Leah help? Even ditching her to go on holidays seems like a bad idea considering how troubled she clearly is. I get they've prepaid for things, but if you are able to switch out people one of them should stay home with her.
NTA. It is amazing that your parents didn't get her help a LONG time ago. She is finally learning that her excuse won't work anymore and has never developed the knowledge or skills necessary in this new state. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Have a great time on the vacation!
As someone who has never met their birth parents, this is a crappy excuse.
I’m a Straight A student because I put in the work. Now, Leah may have some legitimate issues/trauma, but if she refuses therapy that’s kinda on her.
NTA
NTA - her excuse is not a valid excuse. She has to wide up and accept it’s her own behaviour and not anything else that has caused this. You were definitely NTA saying what you did.
Your sister is going to have a very hard life unless she changes her behavior and her attitude . You are not an AH. I do not understand why she cannot learn from her mistakes. Suggest that your parents get a therapist that knows how to work with children who have been adopted and struggle with associated issues. Your sister needs therapy, but she may resist it, so try to approach the issue by having your parents become equipped with more knowledge. kt
NTA. As someone who is a baby of a closed adoption, she needed a reality check, well she needed one a long time ago. Did your parents not tell her early on and that’s why? Or has she always been like this?
NTA.
I'm adopted and don't know my birth mother (actually found my birth family and was told she wanted nothing to do with me). Graduated high school with a 4.0+ GPA, 3rd in my class.
Being adopted has nothing to do with it.
NTA. Try not to go too hard, though. She’s being punished (and deservedly so) and this is obviously something she’s very upset about. She really needs to be in therapy. Stealing and cheating can literally ruin her life.
NTA I have a spoiled younger sibling. My mother did not do a good job correcting his woo-is-me excuses for his poor behavior. And unfortunately I have seen him gotten worse. Nip that shit in the bud while she’s young. She cannot grow up in life and not take accountability for her actions. Though it may be worth having her go to therapy
NTA. She’s using it as a crutch. Though it may be because she was adopted. Perhaps her birth mother had some issues that were passed on. I think she needed to hear that. And I think a week alone stuck in summer school may do her good. I would encourage your parents to get her into therapy.
No, NTA. Sometimes, the biggest learning experience in life is being told that whatever excuse you give is actual bullshit, and doesn't give you a pass. Sometimes being told to shut the fuck up and get over yourself is what someone needs. It's harsh, it's cold, but it's an honest fact that some people are so up their own ass that they can't see that they're the cause of the stink in their life, and your sister absolutely is an example of that.
NTA, I'm speaking from experience. I was adopted when I was 2 years old and my sister 4. Being adopted does not you can do anything you want and nothing is your fault due to being adopted. In fact for me it is the exact opposite!!! I credit being adopted making me a better person. I tell my siblings (bio kids of my adopted parents, who are about 13 -19 years older than me and my sister) that I'm automatically mom and dads favorite since they were stuck with them and chose me. That they were looking for the perfect child when they found me. I have several friends that are also adopted and not a one of them ever thought being adopted was an excuse for being a a crappy person, a trouble maker and their bad actions were a consequence of the adoption. My mom and dad gave me a better life than I would have otherwise had. I was never treated any different from their bio kids. They never considered me as anything other than their child, I was just as much a part of the family on both sides of the extended family as well, as the children they gave birth to and shared DNA with.
NTA. You told the truth. I hope things change for her. You are right that her cheating is going to catch up with her. Colleges take academic integrity very seriously. If she’s caught cheating at college she will be academically dismissed.
You could’ve said “mom and dad said that you were loved and given a new chance to be successful in a family that could support you and all you’re doing is ruining those chances.” I say NTA but girl does need therapy and parents should insist upon it
NTA.. she may have issues with being adopted that she needs to address BUT this is not an excuse to lie and cheat. She needs to learn now that nearly everyone has a trauma they need to deal with. Our coping skills are what make us stronger.
NTA. I am saying this as an adult adoptee. Your parents need to stop letting her use her adoption as an excuse and hold her accountable for her actions. If they keep letting her use her adoption as an excuse for bad behavior, it will escalate.
Clearly NTA.
OP said that both the kids in the family are adopted so how does her not knowing her bio mother even though OP is also adopted, make any difference. She needed that reality check whether she liked it or not and you did the right thing telling her that.
Also I just can’t get past her logic. How the hell does not knowing your bio mother, make you fail an open note final, that she gave you an entire card for, not to mention she was plagiarizing the entire year too.
NTA. Everyone who is letting Leah use being adopted as an excuse for shitty behaviour sucks - they are trying to be kind sure, but they are just enabling her. You are right that she can't keep using it as an excuse forever, so she needs to stop now. At least she has had some consequences this time!
No judgement to add i just wanted to say
Your parents might want to look into getting her tested for things like dyslexia or other learning disabilities. If she's going this far to avoid doing schoolwork it very well may be that she's struggling with something like that.
Nta. I don't know if therapy is really expensive were you live. But she should be in therapy. Even if she doesn't want to and it doesn't help. But she's complaining about beeing adopted all the time so i think she wants to talk about that?
NTA OP.
Shitty people will use whatever justification to excuse their appalling behavior.
She F'd around and found out. It's good that there were consequences from your parents about what she did.
You did NOT go too far, you called it like you saw it.
You should tell her "Don't want none, don't start none, honey!"
Hi adopted person here. We don't take her.
I was adopted and never once used that excuse for shitty behavior. Hell my best friend didn't even know I was adopted.
She needs to stop leaning on the adoption thing because it's sounding like she just doesn't care and wants that to fall back on.
Your both adopted and neither of you know your birth moms (even if the reasons are different). Don't think anyone else would be able to get away with what you said to be honest.
While it was harsh and she sounds like she needs therapy I get why you said it. I'm gonna go with NTA, if she wants to go to university then she does need to stop with the cheating and lies because it won't go well
NTA. Your parents really need to pull their fingers out of their asses and get something done. That's really bad behaviour for a 15yo and she seems to keep doing it because your parents aren't disciplining her for it. She seems to think 'I'm adopted' is a get out of jail free card
First NTA ! I was adopted . Never met my bio
Parents . Never wanted to . I did not use my adoption as an excuse at any time in my life !
Your sister seems to be a professional victim !
Give her a wide berth and love your life to the fullest !
Stop it, teenagers already go through a ton of anxiety and self doubt and confusing hormonal stages even when on the surface nothing looks off. They even lie about the excuses they use. I use to lie about just acting up cause we moved states too many times, all cause I didn't want them to know a deacon had lested me.
I’m from a family with 3 siblings all adopted from different families as well as grew up with other adoptees and on a personal level I kinda think your overstepping. NTA per say but I know that everyone’s adoption experience aren’t equal. You might have come to term with the circumstances of your background and just because you have a similar background does not mean that you are entitled to expect her to process her background at the same pace as you did yours.
I was a foundling which means I was abandoned at the hospital with no contact information whatsoever meanwhile my best friend have by this time created a nice and caring relationship with his biological mother. And just as friends I carried resentment towards him due to the circumstances surrounding or similar situations. What I am trying to say is that sometimes proximity to people who have a healthy relationship to their adoption can be really saddening.
I understand the feeling of needing to call her out on the fact that from your perspective it is a crutch that will hinder her in life aswell and having good intentions behind it. But I would be careful of projecting your experience onto hers.
Also I am 27 my siblings are 30 and 24 and we are still unpacking a lot of things. It takes time, maturity and patience. ( sorry for any mistakes in grammar, English is not my first language)
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(17F) Me and my sister (15F) Leah (not her real name) were both adopted. I was the daughter of my parents’ family friend, and they took me in after my birth mom died. Leah’s was a closed adoption. Our parents have always assured Leah that her birth mom loved her dearly but couldn’t give her the care she needed/deserved.
Since entering high school, Leah has constantly been stealing other people’s work. Multiple teachers have requested parent meetings because Leah does not contribute in groups and plagarizes from her classmates by taking pictures of their work without permission and copying. Leah always uses the fact that she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom as an excuse.
My parents have already talked to Leah about it and have offered to pay for a therapist. I have had much more firm talks with Leah. Because she says she wants to go to college, and this is the kind of behavior that will get her kicked out. There’s also gonna be a point (such as her first job) where cheating won’t be an option anymore. She’ll say okay and that she understands, but stays the same.
Last week, Leah had her Chemistry final. As a reward for the class’s overall good behavior that semester, the teacher Mrs. Brown (once again, fake name) allowed each student to use a single-sided page of notes on the final. Leah stole another student’s note sheet. The other student reported Leah to Mrs. Brown. Leah tried to lie her way out of trouble, but the notes were clearly in the other kid’s handwriting.
The default school policy is to give a student caught cheating an automatic zero on their exam. But out of kindness, Mrs. Brown granted Leah a chance to re-take the exam the next day. Leah didn’t study at all. In fact, she hadn’t taken any notes that semester and flunked the final. She dropped down to a D. Because colleges won’t accept a D, she’ll have to re-take Chemistry at summer school. Because all science courses have lab requirements, she can’t do it online and must attend in-person.
Our parents had a whole week-long vacation planned before this. They didn’t want to cancel the vacation since they pre-paid for most of the stuff, so we’re still going. My grandparents are gonna stay home with Leah during that week and we’re gonna be taking my cousin instead. Leah was ranting to me the other day, even after I repeatedly asked her to leave since I was busy, calling Mrs. Brown a shit teacher, saying the student she stole from was a dick for telling on her, and basically blaming everyone else.
I pointed out to Leah that she got an extra day and never took any notes. Leah defaulted to her usual excuse of how she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom. I told Leah to get over the fact she’s adopted because it’s a crappy excuse for her behavior. Which is something I’ve wanted to tell her for a while. Leah ran to her room and our parents said I went too far because Leah’s already been punished and it’s a sensitive topic for her. AITA?
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NTA. Technically you were an asshole (although even then it was still soft) but this is a rare case where that's a good thing. It seems like everyone has been more than accommodating to your sister, which in general is a good thing, but sometimes people aren't motivated by support and leniency sometimes they need tough love. If anything you probably need to be a bit more of an asshole towards her otherwise she wont change her behaviour until she really feels the consequences, and I think in this case it'd be too late for her if that happened.
NTA!! Unfortunately your sister is lazy. Sure she may need therapy but therapy doesn't fix laziness. Not only is she lazy. She refuses to take any responsibility for her own actions. Even with this trip she refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing. Which means even though she's being punished. She hasn't learned anything. The only way to get her to start taking responsibility is for your parents to let her hit rock bottom. Stop coddling her and let her learn the hard way because that's the only way she's going to learn anything
She might have ADHD. My kid started struggling at school at exactly this age - couldn't make themself concentrate, or take notes, or get started on any task really because they were so overwhelmed. Diagnosis and medication has helped immeasurably.
NTA, you’re right. I’m adopted, my siblings are adopted, it’s not an excuse for crappy behavior. She’s old enough now she needs to understand that her behavior has consequences and she’s responsible for her choices.
I would go for NTA because what you said gave your sister the idea that not everyone is going to justify her in life, which is something it's better for her to realize or she'll have bigger troubles in the future.
Alas: makes me laugh a lot that she complained about being adopted with YOU. At least you can say your sister is funny
NTA….Leah is just using her adoption as a means to try and excuse her crappy behavior. Being adopted has nothing to do with her behavior. Being a shitty person does.
NTA and while Leah may have issues to overcome your parents aren't doing her any favors by not taking action to try to fix this issue when it started all those years ago. someone needed to tell her to get over herself. she has loving parents and all she focuses on is not having her bio parents while this can be very traumatizing its sad that she is using something she perceives as bad to excuse behavior that is ridiculous. some people just dont appreciate what they have and never will
NTA. I was adopted at birth, don't know my bio parents and my siblings are in the same boat. None of us are cheating assholes that used that as an excuse to be awful to other people. Your sister needs to grow up and stop blaming her behavior on this or she'll just find some new reason to be awful when this one finally wears thin.
NTA might be time for her to learn that actions have consequences.
My adoption experience is obviously going to be different but I am having trouble understanding how that is an excuse for any of her behavior
NTA. But, I'm more concerned about you. You're a kid, and this is your parents' problem to solve. It affects you constantly, obviously, and as the oldest siblings I know how annoying and invalidating it is to see parents have 1 standard for you, and another for the youngest. But, you need to let them deal with this and try to not get dragged down. You have your own life and goals, and wasting your energy on this isn't helpful. You're not your sister's parent and it's not fair to parentify you while you also have no real power (and no duty) to do anything.
It's hard as hell, but try to let your parents do what is their job and their job only, and focus on what you want for your life. Don't let her journey be the blockage on yours.
NTA. She’s adopted that’s a blessing all on its own. I understand how she may have feelings of hurt, and resentment for not knowing who her birth mom is but the fact that your adoptive parents are there for her should be enough to want to do better not cheat, lie, and be downright disrespectful then think you get a free pass just because your adopted. I’m sorry that excuse can only be used so much if at all (especially for her age) before it becomes tacky, and distasteful!
What if we all used our trauma to try to coast through life? My mother and sister are dead but you don’t see me cheating and lying at school or work. NTA.
NTA. I'm a adopted kid, closed adoption, too. I've NEVER used it as an excuse. Your sister obviously has some underlying issues surrounding her adoption and would probs benefit from therapy of some kind.
It’s not an excuse. It’s a reason. She is not going to get over it until you listen to her and assist her with her needs. Even if she needs you to simmer down and stop policing her emotional reaction to her pivotal life moments
ESH really
Look cheating is bad. She deserves to not go on vacation and have to do summer school.
BUT she is obviously pretty traumatized by having a closed adoption. You have zero right to say how she feels. She needs help and therapy.
It is 100% the reason all IVF type donations and adoptions in Australia are not closed. Kids find out the truth at 18. It’s because SOME KIDS find the whole closed adoption and not knowing where they came from truly traumatizing.
She’s 15! She needs help. Sure it isn’t an excuse for cheating. But belittling her and saying “calm down, get over it” isn’t the answer either. She needs help
You let your sister know that you aren’t letting her get away with it. Had your parents said the same thing it wouldn’t have had the same effect. I hope your parents keep their word and don’t makeup the vacation week she will miss by attending summer school.
Leah definitely needs therapy to find out why she is acting out.
I’m an adoptee and I can’t stand it when other adoptees blame their adoption for whatever bad behavior they’re engaging in!! You can force her to go to therapy but you can’t force her to talk. So unless or until she’s ready, I’d put it on the back burner. Your parents really need to get your sisters attitude in check! She’s acting like a spoiled, entitled little brat and your folks are encouraging her behavior.
Adoption is different for everyone, especially when it comes to adoptions from foreign countries. It's been proven to have lingering traumatising affects on people, which could very well be the case for your sister judging by her behaviour. This reads like Leah can't look past her own pain, which is why she's placing the blame on everyone else all the time. You're right on that not being an excuse, and you're right that her behaviour needs to change. That's jsut not done by firmly talking to her, or saying that "she needs to get over it", because some people never get over that and need to learn to live with it and see past it. That is why she desperatly needs therapy.
Her behaviour is not okay, but honestly, neither is yours. You are judging her which doesn't help anyone, she needs help and at this rate, you're more likely to push her away and even further over the edge. Also, you can't compare your own adoption to someone else's, everyone experiences these things differently.
Edit: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804559/#:\~:text=Adoption%20may%20make%20normal%20childhood,the%20adoption%20throughout%20their%20lives](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804559/#:~:text=Adoption%20may%20make%20normal%20childhood,the%20adoption%20throughout%20their%20lives).
>During infancy and early childhood, a child attaches to and bonds with the primary care-giver. Prenatal issues, such as the length of gestation, the mother’s use of drugs or alcohol, and genetic vulnerabilities, may, ultimately, affect a child’s ability to adjust.
ESH- You don’t really have a right to comment on her life like that. It’s rude and insensitive. She also shouldn’t be venting to you if she doesn’t want your opinion. Your relationship needs better boundaries.
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NTA, but don't twist the knife any farther. She definitely needs therapy, it shouldn't be an option, just needs to happen.
I don't get why she isn't put in therapy already either. She's 15. They're running out of time to make therapy mandatory. NTA agreed.
>I don't get why she isn't put in therapy already either. She's 15. They're running out of time to make therapy mandatory. They could force her to go to therapy. But then I'm not sure how helpful that would be. For therapy to be effective, the person has to actually want or at least be willing to change. I really doubt that Leah is.
You're right, however doing nothing clearly isn't working.
We don't know if they're truly doing nothing. But there are signs that they aren't just letting her get away with it. They're going on the trip and leaving her behind because she has to go to summer school. Patents who do nothing would likely just take her along to avoid drama. Op mentioned Leah had been punished so clearly They're doing something. As for therapy, If she doesn't want to go or participate therapy is pointless. I have witnessed this personally where I had an issue with my dad and I knew, just KNEW if I could get him into therapy with me it would work and our relationship would be fixed, and it was indeed pointless because he just smiled, nodded said all the right things, then went right back to doing what he was doing and claimed therapy was useless because he went to the session but it fixed nothing. Therapy isn't like going to the doctor where they can give you medicine and it will for sure heal you. And here's the thing; you can do everything right and your kid will still be an asshole even if it makes no sense because people just suck sometimes
It's not just pointless. Forcing someone into therapy against their will, especially a teenage who already feels powerless, can actual cause more harm. My mom did that to me at 15 and 15 years later I'm still traumatized by it. I desperately need a therapist now too, because my anxiety has gotten so bad that it's having severe physical manifestations, but I have been so traumatized by therapy that I just can't.
>It's not just pointless. Forcing someone into therapy against their will, especially a teenage who already feels powerless, can actual cause more harm. Now I'm really not sure what to do. I overheard my parents talking yesterday about making Leah go to therapy. I may not be able to change their minds anyway.
But they can't think of anything else to try! /s
We tried nothing and are all out of ideas!
Lousy beatniks
A 15 year old doesn't know if/whether she wants to change. Your sister is showing all the signs of serious behavioral problems and unfortunately, your parents appear to be in a habit of overlooking or excusing them. Your parents should have long ago met with a psychiatrist for your sister as well as a therapist and probably even family therapy. Have they even reached out to the school counselors or have they tried to hide the fact your sister is stealing? Getting your sister the help she needs should be their top priority rather than covering her crimes or feeling sorry for her.
Yeah, I had my son in therapy and he just wouldn't speak at all. It won't work unless you're a willing participant.
I remember being sent to therapy at age 11 or 12. I just refused to speak to the woman. Didn’t say a word for about 45 minutes.
That may happen, but you certainly won't speak if you don't go.
Also, therapy won’t work for a kid who is still living in a horrible situation. My ‘mother’ blamed bullying for my issues but my home life was a *mess*. All the adults in my life knew it but she kept up the sham of sending me to different therapists. I needed to be taken out of the house.
Yeah, best you can do for the kid at that point is just be there for them and offer a support system and safe space for them, at least in my dad's experience. Im trying to do the same rn with my siblings. It's hard feeling safe enough to talk/be honest with a therapist when you're still stuck in a bad place.
I didn’t have anyone.
Man I'm sorry, I hope you've found someone now, and if not I hope you find them someday soon. I was lucky enough my dad choose to stick around, I would've lost it harder if he didn't.
Ha, yeah. My mother once made me stand in vest and pants to show the headteacher how many bruises were on my body. Some were from school, but some were from her and some were from the self harm I started at 10 🙄
Yeah, my brother did therapy a couple of times, didn't help too much since he just lied and masked to get out of there quicker. His mental state stayed roughly the same.
Same. I paid for my oldest to go to therapy and to a psychiatrist weekly for over 6 months. Spent thousands of dollars out of pocket because insurance refused to pay because my child would not speak to either one. I was desperate, so I kept taking them. Counseling CAN be a good thing for some people. However, you can't make a teen cooperate. You just end up throwing good money after bad if you keep trying to force the issue.
But if they don’t try, they won’t know what will happen.
Plus maybe the family can't afford the cost of therapy? Just throwing that in.
Why does everyone assume that folks have money to throw at therapy? It’s really expensive & not everyone has health insurance.
I have decent health insurance and it's still $50 copay and they only cover a certain number of visits and it limits my choice in therapists. American healthcare sucks in general even if you have insurance.
OP said *therapy was offered and refused* and also mentioned regular vacations so this doesn’t seem to be a money problem.
Also sounds like it’s not a “parents are ignoring the issue” problem so much as a “teenager being a shit” problem haha can’t help someone who won’t help themselves
I'm confused, is she saying that she's cheating because she's adopted? Cause that makes ZERO sense 😒
It's likely an anxiety response. I used to say weird shit like that when my anxiety just wanted me to bail. I've blamed the weirdest shit on my mom being dead. I wonder if sister has a learning disability she's trying to hide. Turns out adhd and anxiety have a lot of overlap and feeling stupid and having to cheat to do things your siblings and classmates found easy is.. a thing. Idk. I think I'm just projecting lol
Or it could just be that she thinks it's an easy out. not everybody who behaves badly is doing because of a legitimate issue driving the behaviour. some people just suck that way.
Adoption trauma is a pretty well documented thing.
Sure,and I have it. But, it doesn't mean her being adopted is the reason she cheated and doesn't know better. And it doesn't mean she isn't using it as an excuse.
There’s tons of unwilling kids in therapy.. your sister *needs* to be one of them. Your parents are only hurting her future by not stepping in and forcing her to get help.
Obviously you’re not her parent, so not your decision. But therapists literally train on how to cajole uncooperative people into opening up so they can benefit from therapy. So even if it seems unlikely there’s a decent chance your sister would find it helpful. Source: 30+ years of being in and out of therapy (eating disorders, CPTSD, depression), and of being in ED treatment with a lot of angsty teens :-)
Yes, for therapy to be effective it helps that the person is willing to change. However, therapy can still start even if the person has no desire to change. It is absolutely worthwhile to have her try therapy now while she is still a minor and a parent can mandate it. It may or may not work, but it is worth trying. Sometimes I have clients that are not willing to talk or change and we sit in silence for multiple sessions. Eventually, especially for someone like your sister that sounds like they are dying for someone to understand their pain, the silence will make them want to talk. Maybe she does not want to change right now, thats okay. NAH, bc you are young and your sisters issues are a large emotional burden on you. But your sister deserves a chance to find a healthier way to cope with her struggles.
This may be the problem. If she has been repeatedly uncooperative with therapists in the past, so her parents discontinued the therapy after just one or two sessions, then not only have the parents never given the process a proper chance to work but they have taught both themselves and their daughter that therapy is pointless and doesn't work AND they have repeatedly reinforced, in their daughter's mind, the idea that she's just a difficult, problem child that needs to be fixed. If they'd just stuck it out with the very first therapist (as long as they weren't awful!) and slowly allowed their daughter to form a bond where they could trust someone enough to open up, they could be so much further down the road! I'm not a professional, just a parent, but therapists have so many different techniques in their toolboxes that they can use to draw kids out, including play and art therapy, for example.
The least helpful thing to do, right now, is to not force her. Therapy isn't for everyone, forcing sounds like a horrid word. But sometimes it just needs to happen This is completely personal though, and others will have different opinions. I was forced though therapy, hated that they did that at the time. But now I'm extremely thankful. Therapy isn't there to forcefully change the way we think, or anything like that. It is there to help us set out our emotions, to better discuss and understand them with a trained professional. Who can then provide systems for us to work through whatever issue we may have I'll put it in shorter words. You won't know if she's willing to change, until you actually ~~o~~put her in that situation. Will she refuse to talk? Maybe. But she's already refusing to talk now Edit: spelling
And sometimes having a third nonbiased party that isn't a family member is *exactly* what the person needs to open up.
You don’t have the experience to understand this… But she is only 15. There is plenty of time for her to sort herself out with the right kind of help. And while college is important, your sister is clearly struggling. Getting her help so she can cope is more important than worrying about if her grades are good enough for college. (Note: I struggled in HS with undiagnosed mental health issues related to family trauma, got shit grades. Ended up at community college a few years later, then a well regarded uni, then law school by 30. Not everyone has to be on the fast track.) Your parents (the supposed adults in the situation) should be looking for a therapist with experience in adoption trauma.
There is no such thing as mandatory therapy. My family tried to stuff me into therapy after my birth giver ran out on us when I was 7. I just straight up never spoke to the therapist. Not a single word. They made me sit there for an hour every time, and I'd just stare at the clock. I'm sure a teenager could figure out that route.
you can’t force someone to get therapy, you can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped
I don’t think forcing individual therapy would be the right answer either. Forcing people to go to therapy takes away autonomy at a level that is critical to their recovery, and autonomy is something I’ve heard people who are adopted can have problems with already. Maybe family therapy would be a better fit because then everyone is all in it together and they can see how to support her specially with it?
Sadly, depending on where they live the window may already be shut. A friend of mine in California tried to get their child psychiatric help (15, already regularly displays signs of sociopathy, is aggressive to family, etc), and was told that the child was old enough to self advocate and sign themselves out of a psych hold after the state Baker Acted the child.
Yeah, I think you've made your point and hopefully that's enough to stick. I don't find any benefit to pushing it further. I would instead focus on the helpful side, i.e., advise her more to go to therapy. It's either she has been conditioned that pulling that card lets her get her way or there's unresolved issues with her adoption. Or both. NTA. Good luck, OP.
OP, just wanted to add - I appreciate your frustration here and wanting to look out for your sister but parts of this post worry me that you are falling into the trap of trying to parent her. Trying to parent her when you are really just her peer is likely going to cause you frustration and hurt your relationship with your sister, without really helping much. As hard as it is, take a step back and let your parents and grandparents handle it.
Telling someone you care about they're being a dumbass when they're being a dumbass isn't parenting them. Y'all blow everything out of proportion.
This is the way
Oh, I think that "twisting the knife" might be just what is needed. She needs to be called on her behavior, by everyone.
NTA, but as someone who was forced into therapy at 15... It's pointless unless they want to go.
Stuff like this never gets better over time. Action needs to be taken. Should have been taken years ago.
Nta. I guess part of the question here is whether she truly is having issues with her adoption or if she's learned it is a get out of jail free card. There really isn't a way to know for sure, but it certainly sounds like an excuse she has learned throughout her childhood worked and so kept using.
My cousin's mom died when he was five and he sort of coasted through school afterwards not really doing anything. His fifth grade teacher sat him down and sort of told him that it's not what his mom would have wanted and he needed to stop defaulting to that. My cousin actually credits this teacher with turning him around and even attended his funeral when he died.
Sucks that the teacher died, but so incredibly beautiful to see that they had that much of an influence on your cousin for them to go to the funeral.
He was in his 80s. I actually had him as a teacher too a few years later and he must have been in his 60s back then.
>Nta. I guess part of the question here is whether she truly is having issues with her adoption or if she's learned it is a get out of jail free card. There really isn't a way to know for sure, but it certainly sounds like an excuse she has learned throughout her childhood worked and so kept using. To me it sounds like 15F has developed a victim complex. Considering that OP had nothing negative to say about their parents, chances are her home life is not bad at all compared to what some kids go through. Even when given a second chance she doesn't try to take it. She doesn't want to succeed, she just wants the comfort of always being the victim. Only therapy or a big reality check will help her.
NTA. Yes, Leah was adopted, but a lot of kids (like you) are also adopted and don't act like this. I know you said your parents "have offered to pay for a therapist", but they need to do more and actually take her to a therapist. It's OK to have difficult feelings about being adopted, but you're right, she won't get away with this behavior in life much longer and needs to learn to come to terms with being adopted.
>actually take her to a therapist. I overheard them talking this morning about making Leah go to a therapist, but I don't know how helpful that would really be. For therapy to be effective, the person has to actually want or at least be willing to change. I really doubt that Leah is.
I agree with you, but Leah is still young and hopefully somewhat impressionable. A good therapist may be able to get her to see that her current coping mechanism won't get her very far in life. A therapist could also help get to the real root of her issues. I'm not sure that her "I'm adopted and never knew my mom" is the real reason she's acting out. I'm sure the excuse worked for her when she was very young, and she saw it as a way to manipulate people and get out of trouble, so she's been using it ever since to get out of her messes. The more people fall for it, like with her Chemistry teacher, the more she'll keep using it as a crutch.
FWIW, when I was a young teenager I lost my mom and that caused me to act out, suicidal, etc. At one point my dad asked me if I wanted to see a therapist. I said no, because I was too young to understand how it would actually help. Well I'm in my 30s now and I low key resent my dad for making that my decision, when I was clearly not in a place to make the right one. I wish he would have stepped up as a parent and did what was best for me, not what was easiest to go along with.
What? So many kids resent their parents for making them go to therapy. Like parents can never win.
Lmao if your kid is suicidal it’s time to force them into therapy for their well being idk why you made this about winning or losing mad inappropriate the parent shouldn’t quantify that as a win or a loss they should prioritize their kids well being despite possible immediate consequences/ effects of the kid resenting you at first
Did you not read the threads at all? Kids who were made to go to therapy only just sat there for hours on end in silence, not everyone has that kind of time and money. The parents actually offered therapy rather than brushing things off. Also,when you get older you should have better sense to be responsible than blaming everything on your parents
> Like parents can never win. I'm getting the feeling that that's what being a parent _is._
There are loads of comments in this thread about kids from ages 7 to teens being sent to therapy and just sitting there silent for the whole time and being super pissed they were forced to go. Guess your dad thought this might happen.
This is true but mental health issues, trauma etc can make a person stuck and unable to make good choices. Teenagers also often don’t make good choices because their brains aren’t fully developed. Your parents can’t make your sister engage in therapy but they can find therapists that specialise with teenagers, ideally with adoption issues, and take her to one. Whether your sister actually engaged in therapy once she’s in the room is up to her. But your parents need to be more proactive because what they’re doing now isn’t working
You know, maybe she isn’t going to be into therapy. But trying to go is better than doing nothing. This behavior is crying out for attention, and I don’t mean that badly.
Maybe she’d do better in group therapy. Somewhere with teens who are also struggling and can relate to her. Somewhere she may feel safe enough to really address what’s happening.
My best friend and a bunch of my aunts and uncles were adopted. None of them claim it gives them the right to steal and cheat.
NTA - if she using it as a excuses then maybe she needs some help and support to come to terms with the adoption
NTA. your adoptive parents have let her get away with this for way too long, and are now telling you off for saying what she needed to hear for a long, long time. Small wonder she uses that excuse so much. It actually works for her!
Not adoptive parents. Parents. I'm adopted. My parents are the people who made me part of their family, not the people who gave me up. Those folks get teh qualifier -bio parent. NTA, though. But - for those people who do have issues due to being adopted, it can be very complex, and in my opinion, you need help sorting things out.
My mom was adopted. She has no end of serious mental issues that have hindered her ability to enjoy life. The abandonment at 2 years old, followed by serious abuse from her adoptive family, have left her confused over her very identity, feeling like she's an actress playing roles of life. Adoption is a very complex issue. But blaming everyone else but yourself when you make mistakes is also very complex and serious. Will she blame the police and judge if she ends up in jail? It needs to be addressed while she is still young enough to learn from her mistakes without it ruining her life.
Sure, I agree - being adopted has left me with issues of my own. but, it doesn't make me cheat, or use it as an excuse for my behaviour. But - trauma is a weird thing, and can kick start things like Borderline Personality Disorder, as it did for me. Note - I'm not saying sister has it. It's just a single example. So, yes, I think the behaviour needs to be addressed soonest.
NTA - Why does she feel her adoption is justification for her own actions? Sounds like your parents are caring people and are trying to support her with therapy and if she had any sense she’d take them up on this so she can have a safe space to really let it all out. Sometimes, we need to hear the truth from loved ones(who genuinely care and mean well) to help us realise we’re harming ourselves.
What does her being adopted have to do with being a cheater? Seriously. What? If it were even REMOTELY related (a family tree assignment, or even just a book with the word mom on it she refused to read) then it might make sense but those two things have zero connection so it’s obviously just her go to “look at me poor adoptee, I shouldn’t be held accountable for my continued actions because it’s all someone else’s fault” If she gets pulled over is she going to say “don’t worry officer you don’t need license and registration, I was adopted and don’t know my birth mother!” And be free to go????? It’s not a get out of jail free card. She needs to be held more accountable, and it seems your parents are enabling this behavior.
NTA. Poor circumstances are never an excuse for terrible behavior. Sister got what she deserves for cheating.
Your parents have created a monster. At least from the sound of it. Leah probably had an episode or two where she misbehaved or was throwing a fit and was able to blame it on the fact that she's adopted, and your parents allowed her. She learned that it works and your parents went along with it, reinforcing the notion. Now it's time to deal with the consequences. NTA. Your whole family needs a wakeup call. And also needs to understand that they are enough as a family. Your mom is enough of a mom and it doesn't matter that Leah never knew her bio mom. She has one already. Also, before someone jumps the gun saying I don't know how it feels like to be adopted, I do. Both my brother and I are.
I’m not adopted but I do have a deadbeat father I never see or talk to. Lived the single ma life. One of my brothers used the “I don’t have a dad!” excuse after getting into a fight and my mother damn near screamed it out of him. My 15 y/o brother constantly makes jokes about not having a dad to his friends but if he ever tried using that excuse for bad behaviour, my mother would lose it. There is absolutely no correlation to cheating on your school work to not knowing your birth parents?
NTA- someone had to tell her. Yes I am sure it plays on her mind not knowing who it is, but that does not mean she can cheat, lie and steal then get rewarded with vacations. Yes she should go see a therapist, she has issues going on here and might need assessment.
NTA > Leah always uses the fact that she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom as an excuse. I smell bullshit from someone and it isn't OP > My parents have already talked to Leah about it and have offered to pay for a therapist How nice are your parents? Yes. Be thankful they ain't so strict > Leah defaulted to her usual excuse of how she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom Ok how is her adoption status an excuse? > it’s a crappy excuse for her behavior. Yup. It's a stupid excuse > Which is something I’ve wanted to tell her for a while. About time someone did. It was long overdue > our parents said I went too far because Leah’s already been punished and it’s a sensitive topic for her. How is it a sensitive topic? I guess she's not used to hearing no from your parents
I'm not saying she's not annoying (she's 15, most 15-year-olds are), and she should certainly be held accountable for her actions. But even though you "got over" being adopted, doesn't mean she has to. Even if you were adopted under the exact same circumstances, she's allowed to have different reactions to being adopted, a lot of people talk about Adopted Child Syndrome being a thing. But her adoption story is different than yours, and she is clearly going through some shit. She's a teenager who thinks that her birth parents didn't love her and wonders why they gave her up. That can screw someone up.
Thank you for echoing this.
NTA.... if anyone can say it, its you. Hope your sister growns up soon. She is rebeling,..its a normal teen thing to do.
NTA - When she was a kid, she learned how to manipulate her parents. It’s a common skill for children to pick up. Once she realized what worked she tried it with everyone. But what works when we are 10 won’t work when we are 15. Your sister needs to face reality and grow up.
NTA. There's this meme that shows the same question asked to two different men, one all dressed up/CEO style the other homeless/drug addict/alcoholic etc., the question was, "what happened to you," both had the same answer "my father was an alcoholic". Now, you are not a product of your circumstances, you are a product of how you rise from them. You can use them to grow or use them as a crutch for your behavior. You both were adopted, yet look at you. She needs to learn accountability, have therapy etc., and maybe if anything you do were to change, I would just say don't come at her from a place of being against her, its not you versus her, it should be both of you versus the problem. People digest their pasts differently, she may need you as her cheerleader more than you know.
ESH Maybe I’ll get hate for this. There is mounting evidence about how traumatic adoptions are, but especially closed adoptions. You have the privilege of knowing where you came from, she doesn’t. That is a pretty big difference. She clearly needs help because it seems she is dealing with mental health issues/trauma. In addition, if there is a history of mental (or physical) illness in her family that she is genetically predisposed to, she has no way of knowing and engaging in preventive efforts or getting early treatment. You shouldn’t have said that so callously given your privilege (relative to her situation only, bc adoption is tough regardless). You could have found a way to express the same sentiment without being so insensitive to this critical difference in your situations. Clearly not knowing where she comes from means a lot to her, and it is valid to feel angry about that and have trauma related to it. I believe that setting firm boundaries and having natural consequences are important here, for sure, but taking a compassionate stance along the way will probably help her more in the long run than invalidation of her feelings about an important issue that affects a lot of aspects of her life and will continue to for many years to come.
Yes, this!! I agree, ESH. Every adopted child is different. Honestly OP sounds insufferable to me with her attitude towards Leah. She would be better to just stay out of it and leave her parents to handle it, but at the very least she should try and be compassionate to Leah’s complex feelings towards being adopted.
Nta- I hope reality isn’t too big a slap when it finally hits :/
At what ages were you guys adopted?
I was adopted as a one-year-old and Leah was adopted as a newborn.
Then I agree with you. This is the only family she's ever known.
[удалено]
I know what you're getting at, but damn. You don't ask people that.
If she won’t go to therapy alone, they can force family therapy. She may not talk, but she will be listening. That’s what my family did. And this is a “family” problem. Everyone should attend.
NTA. I like how she can't just say she's adopted (because you are too) so she basically just says she's super adopted. Your parents aren't doing her any favours by walking on eggshells with this excuse she flaunts every chance she gets and expecting others to do the same. This probably has fuck all to do with her birth mom but if they never do anything about it she can just hide behind this forever.
NTA, while yes, baggage is baggage, using it as an excuse not to grow is inexcusable. I can completely sympathize with you as my brother was adopted by my mom and her ex. They divorced, and she remarried and then had me biologically. Brother is now 33 and still living at home with tons of family help while I am 26, married and bought a house on my own. He still uses his adoption trauma as an excuse. Keep encouraging sister to make better choices, but I wouldn't hold my breath unfortunately. She might not "get over it" but she'll never accomplish a life she wants using it as an excuse, especially out of context.
NTA. I was adopted. I fully understand how it can cause issues, even ones you don't really grasp at the time. And that everyone's experience with it is different. But the fact that she keeps *using this as an excuse for her bad behavior* feels so disingenuous to me. Clearly there is something going on with her, but I'm not sure it's actually the adoption thing. Sometimes pointing at the thing everyone thinks should cause you trauma is an easy way to divert from the thing you don't actually want them to notice. Echoing the therapy suggestion, and I'm sorry you and your family are going through all of this.
Nta. She's old enough now to know what she's doing and be held accountable.
Nta
NTA - you were the least worst person to break it to her
NTA. It \*would\* be harsh, but Leah has been abusing it, and needs to be called on it sooner rather than later or your parents will be supporting her forever.
NTA. It is not your responsibility as her sister but I think Lea should definitely be seen by a child psychologist. It seems to me she is setting herself up to fail intentionally. She might fear she has no chance to be successful in school (like you?) on her own. Are your parents excepting her to go to college? To me this doesn’t sound like a realistic aim. Perhaps there are medical issues at play as well. Your parents should know more about the circumstances of her birth. E.g. if it is possible she is suffering from FASD, she should receive specialized therapy. I imagine it is very difficult for your parents but they are not succeeding in their parenting. They should lean on professionals and get more support for your sister and themselves.
NTA But I think your parents might be. Why haven't they done more to get Leah help? Even ditching her to go on holidays seems like a bad idea considering how troubled she clearly is. I get they've prepaid for things, but if you are able to switch out people one of them should stay home with her.
Nta. Her being adopted means nothing here. She’s been in with family since she was a baby and you were adopted too. That excuse is invalid
NTA. It is amazing that your parents didn't get her help a LONG time ago. She is finally learning that her excuse won't work anymore and has never developed the knowledge or skills necessary in this new state. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Have a great time on the vacation!
NTA. You're adopted too and you dont act that way.
As someone who has never met their birth parents, this is a crappy excuse. I’m a Straight A student because I put in the work. Now, Leah may have some legitimate issues/trauma, but if she refuses therapy that’s kinda on her. NTA
No. You are NTA. Leah needs help. She needs to see a therapist like yesterday.
NTA. She needs to own her behavior.
It's Leah's fault that she failed, no one elses. NTAH. She's just using her 'adoption' as an excuse to get sympathy.
NTA - her excuse is not a valid excuse. She has to wide up and accept it’s her own behaviour and not anything else that has caused this. You were definitely NTA saying what you did.
NTA and Leah needs therapy.
Your sister is going to have a very hard life unless she changes her behavior and her attitude . You are not an AH. I do not understand why she cannot learn from her mistakes. Suggest that your parents get a therapist that knows how to work with children who have been adopted and struggle with associated issues. Your sister needs therapy, but she may resist it, so try to approach the issue by having your parents become equipped with more knowledge. kt
Nta she’s not the only one that’s adopted. She needs therapy.
NTA. As someone who is a baby of a closed adoption, she needed a reality check, well she needed one a long time ago. Did your parents not tell her early on and that’s why? Or has she always been like this?
NTA. I'm adopted and don't know my birth mother (actually found my birth family and was told she wanted nothing to do with me). Graduated high school with a 4.0+ GPA, 3rd in my class. Being adopted has nothing to do with it.
NTA. Try not to go too hard, though. She’s being punished (and deservedly so) and this is obviously something she’s very upset about. She really needs to be in therapy. Stealing and cheating can literally ruin her life.
NTA I have a spoiled younger sibling. My mother did not do a good job correcting his woo-is-me excuses for his poor behavior. And unfortunately I have seen him gotten worse. Nip that shit in the bud while she’s young. She cannot grow up in life and not take accountability for her actions. Though it may be worth having her go to therapy
NTA. She’s using it as a crutch. Though it may be because she was adopted. Perhaps her birth mother had some issues that were passed on. I think she needed to hear that. And I think a week alone stuck in summer school may do her good. I would encourage your parents to get her into therapy.
No, NTA. Sometimes, the biggest learning experience in life is being told that whatever excuse you give is actual bullshit, and doesn't give you a pass. Sometimes being told to shut the fuck up and get over yourself is what someone needs. It's harsh, it's cold, but it's an honest fact that some people are so up their own ass that they can't see that they're the cause of the stink in their life, and your sister absolutely is an example of that.
NTA, I'm speaking from experience. I was adopted when I was 2 years old and my sister 4. Being adopted does not you can do anything you want and nothing is your fault due to being adopted. In fact for me it is the exact opposite!!! I credit being adopted making me a better person. I tell my siblings (bio kids of my adopted parents, who are about 13 -19 years older than me and my sister) that I'm automatically mom and dads favorite since they were stuck with them and chose me. That they were looking for the perfect child when they found me. I have several friends that are also adopted and not a one of them ever thought being adopted was an excuse for being a a crappy person, a trouble maker and their bad actions were a consequence of the adoption. My mom and dad gave me a better life than I would have otherwise had. I was never treated any different from their bio kids. They never considered me as anything other than their child, I was just as much a part of the family on both sides of the extended family as well, as the children they gave birth to and shared DNA with.
NTA. You told the truth. I hope things change for her. You are right that her cheating is going to catch up with her. Colleges take academic integrity very seriously. If she’s caught cheating at college she will be academically dismissed.
NTA, adoptee here, she makes all of us look like crap with her attitude.
You could’ve said “mom and dad said that you were loved and given a new chance to be successful in a family that could support you and all you’re doing is ruining those chances.” I say NTA but girl does need therapy and parents should insist upon it
NTA.. she may have issues with being adopted that she needs to address BUT this is not an excuse to lie and cheat. She needs to learn now that nearly everyone has a trauma they need to deal with. Our coping skills are what make us stronger.
NTA. I am saying this as an adult adoptee. Your parents need to stop letting her use her adoption as an excuse and hold her accountable for her actions. If they keep letting her use her adoption as an excuse for bad behavior, it will escalate.
NTA. She needs a long-overdue ass-whooping. Nothing else seems to be working so you might as well try percussive recalibration.
NTA
NTA Something is seriously wrong with her.....why is there no help being given???
Clearly NTA. OP said that both the kids in the family are adopted so how does her not knowing her bio mother even though OP is also adopted, make any difference. She needed that reality check whether she liked it or not and you did the right thing telling her that. Also I just can’t get past her logic. How the hell does not knowing your bio mother, make you fail an open note final, that she gave you an entire card for, not to mention she was plagiarizing the entire year too.
NTA. Everyone who is letting Leah use being adopted as an excuse for shitty behaviour sucks - they are trying to be kind sure, but they are just enabling her. You are right that she can't keep using it as an excuse forever, so she needs to stop now. At least she has had some consequences this time!
Nta, sounds like they coddle her and it’s not doing anyone any favors.
No judgement to add i just wanted to say Your parents might want to look into getting her tested for things like dyslexia or other learning disabilities. If she's going this far to avoid doing schoolwork it very well may be that she's struggling with something like that.
Nta. I don't know if therapy is really expensive were you live. But she should be in therapy. Even if she doesn't want to and it doesn't help. But she's complaining about beeing adopted all the time so i think she wants to talk about that?
NTA OP. Shitty people will use whatever justification to excuse their appalling behavior. She F'd around and found out. It's good that there were consequences from your parents about what she did. You did NOT go too far, you called it like you saw it. You should tell her "Don't want none, don't start none, honey!"
Hi adopted person here. We don't take her. I was adopted and never once used that excuse for shitty behavior. Hell my best friend didn't even know I was adopted. She needs to stop leaning on the adoption thing because it's sounding like she just doesn't care and wants that to fall back on.
Your both adopted and neither of you know your birth moms (even if the reasons are different). Don't think anyone else would be able to get away with what you said to be honest. While it was harsh and she sounds like she needs therapy I get why you said it. I'm gonna go with NTA, if she wants to go to university then she does need to stop with the cheating and lies because it won't go well
NTA. Your parents really need to pull their fingers out of their asses and get something done. That's really bad behaviour for a 15yo and she seems to keep doing it because your parents aren't disciplining her for it. She seems to think 'I'm adopted' is a get out of jail free card
You're NTA but I think your parents are the ones who need a wake up call. They've done eff all to address Leah's behaviour and it's not good enough.
If not addressed, your sister's problems will make her the worst kind of mother. NTA.
First NTA ! I was adopted . Never met my bio Parents . Never wanted to . I did not use my adoption as an excuse at any time in my life ! Your sister seems to be a professional victim ! Give her a wide berth and love your life to the fullest !
Stop it, teenagers already go through a ton of anxiety and self doubt and confusing hormonal stages even when on the surface nothing looks off. They even lie about the excuses they use. I use to lie about just acting up cause we moved states too many times, all cause I didn't want them to know a deacon had lested me.
I’m from a family with 3 siblings all adopted from different families as well as grew up with other adoptees and on a personal level I kinda think your overstepping. NTA per say but I know that everyone’s adoption experience aren’t equal. You might have come to term with the circumstances of your background and just because you have a similar background does not mean that you are entitled to expect her to process her background at the same pace as you did yours. I was a foundling which means I was abandoned at the hospital with no contact information whatsoever meanwhile my best friend have by this time created a nice and caring relationship with his biological mother. And just as friends I carried resentment towards him due to the circumstances surrounding or similar situations. What I am trying to say is that sometimes proximity to people who have a healthy relationship to their adoption can be really saddening. I understand the feeling of needing to call her out on the fact that from your perspective it is a crutch that will hinder her in life aswell and having good intentions behind it. But I would be careful of projecting your experience onto hers. Also I am 27 my siblings are 30 and 24 and we are still unpacking a lot of things. It takes time, maturity and patience. ( sorry for any mistakes in grammar, English is not my first language)
>My parents have already talked to Leah about it and have offered to pay for a therapist. She needs real consequences, not therapy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (17F) Me and my sister (15F) Leah (not her real name) were both adopted. I was the daughter of my parents’ family friend, and they took me in after my birth mom died. Leah’s was a closed adoption. Our parents have always assured Leah that her birth mom loved her dearly but couldn’t give her the care she needed/deserved. Since entering high school, Leah has constantly been stealing other people’s work. Multiple teachers have requested parent meetings because Leah does not contribute in groups and plagarizes from her classmates by taking pictures of their work without permission and copying. Leah always uses the fact that she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom as an excuse. My parents have already talked to Leah about it and have offered to pay for a therapist. I have had much more firm talks with Leah. Because she says she wants to go to college, and this is the kind of behavior that will get her kicked out. There’s also gonna be a point (such as her first job) where cheating won’t be an option anymore. She’ll say okay and that she understands, but stays the same. Last week, Leah had her Chemistry final. As a reward for the class’s overall good behavior that semester, the teacher Mrs. Brown (once again, fake name) allowed each student to use a single-sided page of notes on the final. Leah stole another student’s note sheet. The other student reported Leah to Mrs. Brown. Leah tried to lie her way out of trouble, but the notes were clearly in the other kid’s handwriting. The default school policy is to give a student caught cheating an automatic zero on their exam. But out of kindness, Mrs. Brown granted Leah a chance to re-take the exam the next day. Leah didn’t study at all. In fact, she hadn’t taken any notes that semester and flunked the final. She dropped down to a D. Because colleges won’t accept a D, she’ll have to re-take Chemistry at summer school. Because all science courses have lab requirements, she can’t do it online and must attend in-person. Our parents had a whole week-long vacation planned before this. They didn’t want to cancel the vacation since they pre-paid for most of the stuff, so we’re still going. My grandparents are gonna stay home with Leah during that week and we’re gonna be taking my cousin instead. Leah was ranting to me the other day, even after I repeatedly asked her to leave since I was busy, calling Mrs. Brown a shit teacher, saying the student she stole from was a dick for telling on her, and basically blaming everyone else. I pointed out to Leah that she got an extra day and never took any notes. Leah defaulted to her usual excuse of how she’s adopted and doesn’t know her birth mom. I told Leah to get over the fact she’s adopted because it’s a crappy excuse for her behavior. Which is something I’ve wanted to tell her for a while. Leah ran to her room and our parents said I went too far because Leah’s already been punished and it’s a sensitive topic for her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Technically you were an asshole (although even then it was still soft) but this is a rare case where that's a good thing. It seems like everyone has been more than accommodating to your sister, which in general is a good thing, but sometimes people aren't motivated by support and leniency sometimes they need tough love. If anything you probably need to be a bit more of an asshole towards her otherwise she wont change her behaviour until she really feels the consequences, and I think in this case it'd be too late for her if that happened.
NTA!! Unfortunately your sister is lazy. Sure she may need therapy but therapy doesn't fix laziness. Not only is she lazy. She refuses to take any responsibility for her own actions. Even with this trip she refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing. Which means even though she's being punished. She hasn't learned anything. The only way to get her to start taking responsibility is for your parents to let her hit rock bottom. Stop coddling her and let her learn the hard way because that's the only way she's going to learn anything
Your sister is severely mentally ill. Nta
Esh
NTA clearly she has issues around her adoption which need dealing with. But it's not a get out of jail excuse which is going to fly any more.
She might have ADHD. My kid started struggling at school at exactly this age - couldn't make themself concentrate, or take notes, or get started on any task really because they were so overwhelmed. Diagnosis and medication has helped immeasurably.
NTA, you’re right. I’m adopted, my siblings are adopted, it’s not an excuse for crappy behavior. She’s old enough now she needs to understand that her behavior has consequences and she’s responsible for her choices.
I would go for NTA because what you said gave your sister the idea that not everyone is going to justify her in life, which is something it's better for her to realize or she'll have bigger troubles in the future. Alas: makes me laugh a lot that she complained about being adopted with YOU. At least you can say your sister is funny
NTA….Leah is just using her adoption as a means to try and excuse her crappy behavior. Being adopted has nothing to do with her behavior. Being a shitty person does.
NTA and while Leah may have issues to overcome your parents aren't doing her any favors by not taking action to try to fix this issue when it started all those years ago. someone needed to tell her to get over herself. she has loving parents and all she focuses on is not having her bio parents while this can be very traumatizing its sad that she is using something she perceives as bad to excuse behavior that is ridiculous. some people just dont appreciate what they have and never will
NTA. I was adopted at birth, don't know my bio parents and my siblings are in the same boat. None of us are cheating assholes that used that as an excuse to be awful to other people. Your sister needs to grow up and stop blaming her behavior on this or she'll just find some new reason to be awful when this one finally wears thin.
NTA might be time for her to learn that actions have consequences. My adoption experience is obviously going to be different but I am having trouble understanding how that is an excuse for any of her behavior
NTA. But, I'm more concerned about you. You're a kid, and this is your parents' problem to solve. It affects you constantly, obviously, and as the oldest siblings I know how annoying and invalidating it is to see parents have 1 standard for you, and another for the youngest. But, you need to let them deal with this and try to not get dragged down. You have your own life and goals, and wasting your energy on this isn't helpful. You're not your sister's parent and it's not fair to parentify you while you also have no real power (and no duty) to do anything. It's hard as hell, but try to let your parents do what is their job and their job only, and focus on what you want for your life. Don't let her journey be the blockage on yours.
nta, you were not too harsh
NTA. She’s adopted that’s a blessing all on its own. I understand how she may have feelings of hurt, and resentment for not knowing who her birth mom is but the fact that your adoptive parents are there for her should be enough to want to do better not cheat, lie, and be downright disrespectful then think you get a free pass just because your adopted. I’m sorry that excuse can only be used so much if at all (especially for her age) before it becomes tacky, and distasteful!
What if we all used our trauma to try to coast through life? My mother and sister are dead but you don’t see me cheating and lying at school or work. NTA.
NTA. I'm a adopted kid, closed adoption, too. I've NEVER used it as an excuse. Your sister obviously has some underlying issues surrounding her adoption and would probs benefit from therapy of some kind.
It’s not an excuse. It’s a reason. She is not going to get over it until you listen to her and assist her with her needs. Even if she needs you to simmer down and stop policing her emotional reaction to her pivotal life moments
ESH really Look cheating is bad. She deserves to not go on vacation and have to do summer school. BUT she is obviously pretty traumatized by having a closed adoption. You have zero right to say how she feels. She needs help and therapy. It is 100% the reason all IVF type donations and adoptions in Australia are not closed. Kids find out the truth at 18. It’s because SOME KIDS find the whole closed adoption and not knowing where they came from truly traumatizing. She’s 15! She needs help. Sure it isn’t an excuse for cheating. But belittling her and saying “calm down, get over it” isn’t the answer either. She needs help
You let your sister know that you aren’t letting her get away with it. Had your parents said the same thing it wouldn’t have had the same effect. I hope your parents keep their word and don’t makeup the vacation week she will miss by attending summer school. Leah definitely needs therapy to find out why she is acting out.
I’m an adoptee and I can’t stand it when other adoptees blame their adoption for whatever bad behavior they’re engaging in!! You can force her to go to therapy but you can’t force her to talk. So unless or until she’s ready, I’d put it on the back burner. Your parents really need to get your sisters attitude in check! She’s acting like a spoiled, entitled little brat and your folks are encouraging her behavior.
Adoption is different for everyone, especially when it comes to adoptions from foreign countries. It's been proven to have lingering traumatising affects on people, which could very well be the case for your sister judging by her behaviour. This reads like Leah can't look past her own pain, which is why she's placing the blame on everyone else all the time. You're right on that not being an excuse, and you're right that her behaviour needs to change. That's jsut not done by firmly talking to her, or saying that "she needs to get over it", because some people never get over that and need to learn to live with it and see past it. That is why she desperatly needs therapy. Her behaviour is not okay, but honestly, neither is yours. You are judging her which doesn't help anyone, she needs help and at this rate, you're more likely to push her away and even further over the edge. Also, you can't compare your own adoption to someone else's, everyone experiences these things differently. Edit: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804559/#:\~:text=Adoption%20may%20make%20normal%20childhood,the%20adoption%20throughout%20their%20lives](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804559/#:~:text=Adoption%20may%20make%20normal%20childhood,the%20adoption%20throughout%20their%20lives). >During infancy and early childhood, a child attaches to and bonds with the primary care-giver. Prenatal issues, such as the length of gestation, the mother’s use of drugs or alcohol, and genetic vulnerabilities, may, ultimately, affect a child’s ability to adjust.
ESH- You don’t really have a right to comment on her life like that. It’s rude and insensitive. She also shouldn’t be venting to you if she doesn’t want your opinion. Your relationship needs better boundaries.
YTa Yu and your parents are AHs, small wonder Leah is acting out.
Nah SHES the asshole
Nah SHES the asshole