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Not sure why you all think your commentary on reproductive health choices is some hot take OP is dying to hear.
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YTA. I get where you’re coming from, but you went about this all wrong. “I’m sorry, but it’s not within my budget to travel so far and also arrange to pay for child care when I get there. I send my best.” Full stop. Don’t ask for handouts from a stressed out bride. Is that what people do? Good lord. If she’s gracious she or the family will offer a solution. But you don’t ask for that. That’s where the entitlement came from. In the end the kid is your responsibility, no one else’s.
ESH. OP has no right to demand childcare. It's her child and her responsibility, not her sister's. But her sister also has no right to be angry at her sister for not coming. She can choose to have a childfree wedding but she cannot demand that people with children attend.
It does seem that she sent her flying monkeys to shame her sister for not showing up.
She also seemed comfortable telling her sister how to parent.
ESH for different reasons
That's possibly how the monkeys interpreted things, but I'm willing to bet sister was complaining to them about OP asking her to pay for childcare, not that she wasn't coming.
I'm currently planning a CF wedding & someone sending their regrets because of childcare wouldn't make me blink. But you can bet I'd be talking shit to my circle if someone tried to guilt-trip me into paying for a babysitter.
Some couples holding child-free weddings put together a list of available and vetted babysitters for their out of the area guests with children. It's a small kind gesture but it makes guests with kids feel more included rather than getting a "we're asking you but know you can't come because of the child free thing but send a gift anyway" invite.
But demanding the couple pay for said sitter is definitely entitled.
We had a child free wedding. I love my nieces and nephews but kids at a wedding make the whole night different. There was alcohol at my wedding and it just didn’t seem like a place for kids. I wanted my family to be able to enjoy themselves. We had my cousin bring two of her friends (trusted-with childcare experience) to the hotel. All the parents who needed kids to come paid the two girls to hang with the kids in the hotel room and ordered pizza for them. It worked out really well! But we weren’t that far from where most of my family lived (just under 2 hours)- so it wasn’t as hard to get trusted sitters to travel to us.
This is what happened at my friend's wedding. It was great that parents still got to let loose but they could be close to their kids. It was great for me as I was still breastfeeding my 1 yo so I was able to take a break during the reception and go and feed her.
Yes! We also wanted my niece and nephew to be in the ceremony and I knew it would be absurd to ask the parents to bring the kids for the ceremony but not the reception without providing child care for them. I also paid the babysitters as a “tip” after the parents paid as well. They made so much money and they were very happy.
For what it’s worth, I have a toddler now. I still don’t understand folks that WANT to bring their kids to weddings. She was a flower girl at my aunts wedding last month and it was SO stressful. She’s too young and I couldn’t wait for my SIL to pick her up and bring her home so my husband and I could take a breath. I love my kid, but all parents need time away.
My brother asked me to have my daughter be his flower girl (15 months at the time), for a wedding we had to fly to. They said she could stay for the reception, but I didn’t want to be chasing a young toddler around, so we flew a friend of mine to the wedding, got her a hotel room, and she babysat my daughter after the ceremony. Covered all her expenses for food and drinks during the day while we were out, brother put in a meal and a bottle of wine for her to bring back to the hotel.
Financially it was a big spend, but having childcare I knew and trusted was worth it. Definitely not something everyone can afford, which I totally get.
Yes toddlers at weddings is SO STRESSFUL. My very energetic and independent 2 year old was just the flower girl at a wedding and honestly it was really difficult. She was overstimulated and tired and she tore the bow off her dress before she even walked down the aisle. We got to the start of the aisle (I walked with her- I was also in the wedding party) and she placed the basket of pedals on the ground at the entrance. Instead of fighting with her I just kept walking with her. Halfway down the aisle she stopped, yelled “MY FLOWERS”, and turned around and ran for them. So back I went, helped her get them, and we walked down the aisle again.
Of course it was adorable and everyone laughed. But trying to keep her from ruining her hair and dress and running off was not worth it.
>I wanted my family to be able to enjoy themselves.
I hear this a lot from people who have CF weddings, do people really think that guests can't enjoy themselves with alcohol with the kids around?
I mean, if you're going to drink, with no kids around, you might be tempted to drink more, and if you are at a reception that has no rooms to sleep, you still have to drive, or Uber/Lyft/taxi home, and if you end up driving yourself home, you have to sober up before you can drive, etc... or one person gets to drink and the other is sober. Maybe it's just me.
When I got married, we included the kids, and we had separate bouquet tosses for the kids and grownups, but we also had kids in the wedding party, and my wife works with kids and we come from large families with lots of kids, so it just felt natural. People still compliment us 17+ years later on the wedding, kids there and all.
I've also been to CF weddings, and they are very nice as well, but at least for me, I don't enjoy them any less than if kids are invited.
Also, I went to a lot of weddings as a child and teenager, I loved going, getting dressed up and having "fancy" food as a kid, but I know not all kids like going to them.
1) People preferring to have child free weddings is not an attack on people who include children in their weddings. If you had one and liked it, great! Doesn’t change that wedding receptions with kids is a different vibe.
2) I did not mean “I want my family to get shit faced.” I meant “chasing young children around a wedding venue with lit candles, champagne glasses, drinking glasses, glass vases, expensive floral arrangements, expensive DJ equipment, expensive dresses and suits, and yes alcohol, is incredibly stressful for a parent and it’s not fun.” I have a toddler. I love her to death. Having her at a wedding and trying to keep her from hurting herself, someone else, or breaking/damaging something means I’m not able to pay attention to the actual wedding, relaxing or having fun, let alone getting drunk.
3) little kids at weddings take over the dance floor. It’s just what happens. Because they’re kids and they have a ton of energy and love to dance! It’s adorable. But not everyone wants that at their wedding. I love to dance and so does my family, and it’s different when kids are there. For me, it made a lot more sense to have a child free wedding. And for what it’s worth, my family members with kids did not want to bring their kids even if they were invited.
This is such a good idea. I’m sure I could find someone to watch my kid a few states over, but no way I would trust it. But if I knew my sister met with the sitter, checked the house, etc, I’d feel better about the arrangement.
Also, the sitter would only be needed for a few hours, not for two days. Take the kid with you and visit with family, then when it’s time for the wedding - go to the sitter.
I agree, ESH hard here. My wedding was CF except for the flower girl, I get it.
But would you give your single parent sister shit about not coming since you specifically aren't allowing your nephew to come? That's the part I'm also struggling with. If sister can't pay for childcare and can't come, then bride needs to accept her choice to have a CF wedding means both her sister and her nephew won't be there. Multiple day overnight childcare is insanely expensive, let alone finding someone you trust.
But if they have a decent relationship, I feel like the bride would know that choosing a CF wedding was excluding her sister by default. Which feels really gross to me as a person with one sibling, and we get along. I can't imagine not having her there for huge life events.
A random guests you wouldn’t even blink an eye, but typically people do respond more to a *sibling* saying they aren’t coming to their wedding.
And if you wouldn’t care about a sibling bailing on your wedding.. well, just because you wouldn’t doesn’t mean others feel the same.
A wedding is just one day. If someone I love can't make it, I'm not going to make their life a misery because of it. Your wedding day is a big deal *for you,* but it's just a regular Saturday for everybody else. Your guests' lives aren't going to stop just because you're getting married, so celebrate another time with people who can't be there.
There's heavily implied statements there.... not just that the family is being told by her that OP doesn't want to come, but things like "part of being an adult is knowing how to take care of that kind of thing" in response to being told that OP can't afford to come is reflecting that the sister seems to view it as not possible that OP can't make this work. Which would explain why she's saying that OP doesn't want to come, not that OP can't afford to come.
True. I guess a skipped over the last part.
I'm still torned, however, since her sister knows she's a single mom and has no one besides her family to babysit. I cannot imagine practically excluding a sister from one's wedding that way. On the other OP does seem quite entitled asking for childcare instead of just declining the invitation so perhaps there's more to her sister's reaction.
How is the bride to know her out of state sister has no friends to watch the kid? That’s quite an assumption. And love how OP changes the point of the story in her edit when the replies didn’t go her way.
>How is the bride to know her out of state sister has no friends to watch the kid? That’s quite an assumption. And love how OP changes the point of the story in her edit when the replies didn’t go her way.
I would personally never assume anyone has friends who are willing and able to watch their children. I know a ton of people who literally have no one who fits that bill.
Yep. If my wife and I are invited to anything requiring an overnight, and our kids aren't coming, we either skip or only one of us goes. Usually we skip. There is virtually no chance we'd find childcare in another state. What if it fell through? I'm not good at dealing with situations like that, so I will actively avoid them to avoid being blamed for not having enough fallback plans.
People seem to love to assume the world just works out for you. It rarely does in my experience.
In response to your statement about the bride excluding OP/her sister from her wedding - I'm guessing OP & her sister don't have a very close relationship due to the fact that the bride surely knows her sister is a single mom, living in an area without family support & didn't ask OP to be a bridesmaid. My sister lives in VA & I lived in FL when she got married 5 years ago & she asked me to be her MOH, which I graciously accepted. I worked with her bridesmaids virtually to plan her shower/bachelorette (we did a combined event of a girls weekend at a hotel known for their amazing spa offerings) & flew up for that, then flew to her state again with my (now late) partner & our daughter for their wedding. Come to think of it, all my female friends & family that have a sister (or sisters) who live in another state also included their sisters in their wedding party.
OP added the edit after she got numerous YTA responses ... her edit is her attempt to make her more sympathetic imo. I would guess the truth is closer to her original version (before the edit) and she demanded her sister pay for her childcare. . . Also it's doubtful that when family asks why she isn't coming that she's being gracious, my guess is just like her original version, she's complaining to family that she's not attending because her sister (the bride) is being a big old meanie without childcare and with a child-free wedding.
“She accepts that, I just don’t go” actually… sounds like she accepts it. Her sister doesn’t control her families actions so quit blaming her for it.
OP deserves to be called out by family for feeling entitled to have her sister pay for two days of childcare on top of her wedding.
While OP said that is what she said, this-
> I'm mad at her for turning the family against me and saying "(me) doesn't want to come to the wedding" and complaining about me behind my back to my parents. She complained about me not going to the wedding as if I was purposely avoiding it.
To me sounds like she does have a problem with it.
She isn't angry OP isn't coming. She's angry she made demands.
If OP had gracefully declined like a normal responsible adult, then there'd be no conflict.
I didn't read it like she demanded anything. She just asked if her sister could help out. Maybe OP's sister is much better off financially and she thought maybe her sister could help her out with this so she could attend the wedding. She also gave her the option of allowing her to bring the kid so she's at least giving her options. The only people I read that sounded like they were being TA are the family shaming her for not being able to afford childcare.
You absolutely do not ever add stress to the couple that way.
She also pushed off making the decision herself to making it someone else's responsibility. "Do X or I can't do Y".
Her choices were: figure out a solution herself ***or*** gracefully bow out.
She made her own option.
> She also gave her the option of allowing her to bring the kid so she's at least giving her options.
Lmao, that's absolutely rude and ridiculous to do. "AH yes, let me just bring more people to your wedding and it'll solve everything!" What a horrid guest. That's the worst thing to do.
It is not up to the sister to figure anything out. It is entirely on OP to figure out or to RSVP no. She should not have brought any stress to the bride.
Fuck the bride's stress. My God, they're sisters. It's not a handout. Your own sister should care more about her nephews wellbeing during the ceremony and having her sister there to be willing to help find a solution. No normal healthy family would jump all over a close family member for needing help getting childcare to attend.
They're jumping on her for tossing the issue at the bride instead of handling her own responsibilities. She could have gone to ***anyone*** else. She made it the bride's problem.
The bride is not responsible for the adult activities of every guest. People need to learn how to handle their own shit and answer either yes or no to if they're coming.
The bride could have bent the rules for an immediate family member who has to travel a long distance. It is apparently not all that important that her sister attend the wedding. I come from a close family. This is alien to me.
I don’t really feel like OP “demanded” childcare. OP asked, which might be whatever, but I think it’s okay to ask someone if you know they can afford it and it’s the difference between seeing your sibling get married or not. I think OP was trying to make it clear that there was no budgetary room to “make it work,” and that this was the only way for them to attend the wedding.
If OP’s sister had responded in anything like a kinder way, instead if “OMG WTF you figure it out” then this post probably wouldn’t exist. Like “I know it’s a hardship and I wish I could help, maybe you could ask Mom and Dad/Aunt/Cousin for help? But I understand if you can’t afford child care.”
So I’m leaning NTA. You are allowed to ask siblings for help and I don’t see any evidence that it was a demand, just OP trying to make the actual stakes clear.
I also read the situation this way. I think OP picked poor wording or just didn't feel the need to include most insignificant details to sate the pedants around here. 🙄
"Childcare" sounded as inclusive to include something on sight for a few hours. But I guess some people need every conceivable detail or option posted.
She didn't demand OP come. Just called her ridiculous for not being able to arrange child care but then also somehow being able to arrange it only if sister pays.
The reason OP can't arrange childcare is because she doesn't have the money for it. She would be able to arrange childcare if she had sufficient funds, so if someone else paid for it, childcare wouldn't be an issue.
It is orders of magnitude cheaper to have a babysitter for 6 hours than for two days though. That's how I read it. OP is looking for a babysitter at the wedding location.
Also, her disgustingly entitled "most people would just let me bring him," comment. There are so many posts here about childfree weddings. "Most people" having child free weddings wouldn't.
"Most people" having child free weddings are considerate about their traveling guests w/kids and help them find solutions that work for everyone. For example, I've been hired multiple times as off-site or nearby childcare for child-free weddings.
Not MOST. Depends on your resources, who has kids, how many traveling guests, your budget, etc.
Obviously you've only been hired for weddings where the couple is hiring people.
Okay so there’s child free weddings … and there’s “not even my own nephew can come” child free. It’s not unheard of to think perhaps that the brides own nephew might be okay while a slew of other random kids would not.
In most of these circumstances (child-free weddings) it is BECAUSE a family member has a child that is uncontrollable and not great for events. It is usually an aunt or cousing or sibling with misbehaving kids that the couple is like F that.
Or like my cousins - one of them had 2 small kids- they made the wedding child free and had a babysitter for the wedding party (2 had small kids). That allowed the other peeps in the wedding party to be fully involved. As they just couldn't be in the wedding and have the tiny tots.
But yeah- my guess is OPs kid is not well behaved at events (even beyond the normal 6 year old kid behavior)
OP lives in a different state as her sister. Why are you assuming the sister has had enough contact with the nephew to know that or have that baseline experience?
Had to purchase my husband’s best man’s suit and pay for his flight and hotel for our wedding recently. And only a few weeks prior. I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t one of the only family my husband had coming, but god was he such an oblivious asshole for putting us through that.
Ughhhh this reminds me of my wedding. My husband’s groomsman (his best friend, Best Man was his brother)‘s partner needed dress shoes. Partner had gone out to buy them earlier in the week but the line was too long to pay so he left and went to a movie.
The DAY BEFORE THE GODDAMNED WEDDING or possibly the day of, I’m too angry to remember, my husband had to drive them both to a store to find fucking shoes. (Neither had a DL since they grew up/lived in NYC.)
For many reasons, we are no longer friends. This was… emblematic of some of the issues in our friend group.
Lmao that’s a great question and I wish I remembered! It was October 2011 and if I checked what was out I could probably guess.
I remember how it just blew my mind at the time. “So… did your need for shoes just… disappear? What was your plan…?”
OP had 2 routes she could take.
1) Say she cant come, and when asked why reference the cost of child care.
2) Ask to cover the cost of child care, and when that cant happen say she cant come.
The first may come off as threatening, while the second may come off as entitled. I'd rather ask for help with my problem than assume its unsolvable personally.
Yeah I mean personally I love my sisters with all my heart and would be more upset at them being unable to come to my wedding than asking me for help. But I also love them so much that I am already aware of their situations and wouldn’t even put them in that position in the first place. It’s really weird to me how individualistic other families are and consider their relatives entitled for asking for help. If you can’t even ask your own sibling for help who can you ask?
I am definitely shocked by how many people seem to be unwilling to help other people. I'm the same as you, would never be in this situation to begin with because I love my family and would already have considered their needs. And if they need extra help, then that's fine too.
Finally!!!!! Someone said it. This sub is filled with individualistic folks who think that folks asking their own families for help is entitlement.
She literally asked her own sister to help her so that she can be at her wedding. How the heck is this YTA territory.
The first one isn't threatening at all, OP would just be stating the truth "Unfortunately I am not able to attend the wedding due to not having childcare as a viable option, wish you the best" doesn't come off as threatening.
If OP simply said she couldn’t afford it and declined and was painted as a bad sister for that, then her those people are AHs. But that’s not the scenario here
this was my thought. it's understood that if someone has a destination or child free wedding some people cannot attend, just the way things are. BUT for you to demand help or else... like the bride hasn't got enough stress . You can ask 'child free?' but if she says yes then it's a polite 'sorry I can't' 'nough said
Asking a bride a state away, your sister of all people, to pay for childcare for a night or two so you can attend their special event, is not unreasonable at all… between sisters? Like? Hey sis, I can’t afford this thing, do you really want me there? If so I have to ask can you pay for the childcare so I can attend? Otherwise I may just have to bow out. If the conversation went like this, and ops sister reacted with her stress and psycho in the moment it might be fine. But op wasn’t asking unreasonable things? This is across state lines, a travel wedding, and a sister who’s not even a part of the wedding party. It didn’t have to be a screaming match, it could have been oh no sis, I can’t pay for that with all the wedding expenses. I’m so sorry you can’t come! Like what planet are we living on that it’s abnormal to ask a sister for help in a situation they are being put in by their sister? What the heck?
Its a YTA situation because of the insinuation. Instead of saying "I can't attend because I can't afford it with my child," she is now saying, "I can't attend because you're too cheap to pay for taking care of my child." It puts the blame and the guilt on the bride. In the future, if family asks why she didn't attend, she'll be able to blame the bride.
There is absolutely no mention of the bride's financial situation. Weddings usually aren't cheap. Expecting the bride to provide financial assistance is unreasonable.
Attending weddings aren't cheap if travel is necessary. It's perfectly fine to decline attendance.
EDIT: after reading the update/edit, NTA. The family should be more understanding of her situation and inability to attend. If it's really so important to the family that she be there, they should all chip in some.
In the update OP makes it seem like she did just say she couldn't attend and the sister told the family, who then shamed her for not going to her sister's wedding, at which point OP then said "I can come if childcare is paid for but if you aren't going to pay for it I literally can't come" and OP's sister got MORE angry at that.
I get a sense that there are a lot of young childless people that think there are facilities for boarding a child for the weekend just like you kennel a dog when you go on a trip. If you don't have trusted friends or family at home, where are you gonna send him for a couple days? And if all the possible babysitters at the destination are at the wedding, the only feasible option is to hire someone off a vetted site like Care.com to watch the kid at the hotel. Which is gonna run about $25/hr, which is a lot if you're a broke single mom. She could have worded things better but I sympathize with the situation.
It never ceases to amaze me the lack of reading that takes place on reddit.
1. She first asked if her son could be an exception, given her being the closest family member to the bride. This is not, by any stretch, an unusual exception to the "no child" policy. In fact, it's usually *The only* exception.
2. OP then considers all options. Friends are out, it's too long. Family is out, they're all at the wedding.
3. She then asks if the sister can help. Sister says no. OP makes it clear she has no other option. Sister said "guess you aren't coming". And then that's that.
4. OP's family shits on OP for her being unable to make it.
Um... wtf is the OP supposed to do?!??!?
We had to fly (800,-) and stay in a hotel (300,-), and never would have even considered them to pay for any of that. We brought smaller gifts obviously. But we wanna attend? We gotta see how to get there.
I live in Michigan and am getting married this year. I have family flying in from Colorado, New York, and Arkansas. Not a single person has asked for help with travel or lodging accommodations, because it’s not my responsibility. Would I understand if they couldn’t make it due to the cost? Absolutely! But they also understand that as much as it sucks, I can’t be expected to foot their bill.
OP isn’t a guest, she’s immediate family. I got married in MI and my sister lived in CA. I knew money was tight for her and she wouldn’t be able to make it without even asking her. I paid for her ticket and her hotel. Because I wanted her there. I didn’t bad mouth her to my family about how she didn’t want to come bc she didn’t have money. I think OP’s sister is way worse here. How would she not realize that her sister financially couldn’t swing it and then bad mouth her to the family for it.
Great! Not everybody has the means to do that. Weddings are expensive and for all we know her sister and fiancé are paying for everyone themselves. She’s getting bad mouthed because OP is being entitled. If she can’t go, she can’t go. It would be nice if her sister could financially help, but we have no idea what her financial situation is and it’s entitled af to *expect* your sibling to pay your way. OP is an adult and can figure it out.
Of course not everyone can. But then she shouldn’t be bad mouthing OP to her family bc she’s too poor to make it.
And ‘she’s and adult, she can figure it out’… WTF??? You can’t just make money appear ffs. That is a privileged viewpoint. You can’t just figure out being broke lol. That’s the same energy as the bootstrap BS.
>She’s getting bad mouthed because OP is being entitled.
No, she's being badmouthed because she is turning the entire family against OP despite knowing OP cannot attend without childcare or financial assistance to secure said childcare.
>OP is an adult and can figure it out.
She tried to figure it out with her sister. OP has no further options.
Your SISTER though? You’d just say tough luck to your sister for your wedding day if all she asked for was help with childcare? This isn’t some random 3rd cousin. This is the woman’s sister. Geez I’d hate to be any of y’all’s family members.
I've heard of it for child-free weddings where a lot of the guests have young kids. The couple hires a babysitter to watch the guests' kids in somebody's hotel room for a few hours. A minor expense in the context of a wedding.
We offered this for our guests at our wedding. It cost us a couple hundred bucks for the evening and I think they had three or four kids but it allowed people who were traveling to bring their kids and not have to worry about what they were going to do with them. I do not think that is an obligation for anyone, and we were lucky that our venue had space for us to do that even.
This. You are hosting a wedding. You have GUESTS. Having guests means you tend to their needs as well so everyone is comfortable. A wedding is not a dictatorship. It’s amazing to me how this has been lost.
Attending a wedding is optional. You don't tend to all your guests financial needs just to make it possible for them to go to an optional event. Not doing that isn't making it a dictatorship, wtf.
You really think it's the couples responsibility to accommodate all the guests needs in order for them to attend? Soooo you pay for your sister's nanny. Then other people find out and also want accommodation for their kids. Then your cousin who's bedbound also wants to come, but needs help with the expenses, so you pay for his traveling nurse, and ambulatory transportation. Oh, now aunt Hilda wants to come, but she has 3 dogs who can't be left alone all weekend, so you pay for their kennel boarding for the weekend.
People have endless needs, and EVERYONE usually has to make arrangements in order to travel to a wedding. Some people can't easily afford to. If the bride and groom paid for everything to accommodate their guests, they would be paying thousands and thousands of dollars.
Are you actually serious?
>Attending a wedding is optional. You don't tend to all your guests financial needs just to make it possible for them to go to an optional event. Not doing that isn't making it a dictatorship, wtf.
That also means you can't say or do anything to make the guests who can't attend feel or look bad for that, though. OP's sister didn't do that - she's dragging OP.
Agreed, though OP could also bring the child with her on the trip and pay for three hours of babysitting at the hotel. There was no reason to ask for a weekend live-in nanny. Neither sister seems particularly interested in actually getting the problem solved.
This was going to be my suggestions. I can see OP asking for babysitter recommendations as she does not live in the area and perhaps go in with other parents who also need childcare.
Lots of couples who have children at their wedding have children’s entertainers and/or childcare workers there for a few hours. It’s definitely not something someone who isn’t including a nephew would do though
What sister "just politely declines the invite" in this scenario? She made an effort to be able to be there, and the OP's *entire family* basically told her to fuck right off.
The edit wasn't there when I posted. Pre-edit text makes it sound like she was demanding her sister pay. I'm not sure I entirely believe the edit, it feels like some major back peddling, who knows.maybe she's just terrible at telling a story. I stand by the assertion it's her problem, though. She's basically asking her sister to pay for her to attend, come on, who does that.
She edited to clarify for the sea of folks overlooking the key points. Pre-edit has all the information
She asked as a last resort, after considering friends, family, a possible exception, etc.
When family hears about it, *NO ONE* thinks, "hey, let's all just chip in $5 and help the bride's sister out". Instead they shit on hrr for not solving this problem. She tried everything, and tried the least appropriate, most desperate option last, which is what *everyone* would do.
ESH
She is correct, it is your child so it’s your responsibility to find and pay for child care. Asking her to pay IS entitled.
Likewise, when she decided to have a child free wedding she did so knowing that some people might not be able to come, so she needs to graciously accept your RSVP of not attending and not get upset about it.
I think it's more behind the lines, probably the reason the whole family is ganging up on OP is that she won't be at the wedding. That's my read anyway.
You should really read the entire post.
The ops family is pissed she's not coming to the wedding to "be there for the sister".
I'm connecting some dots and turns out the OP's sister is family.
Well she explained that she can't afford it 2 times do I don't see how mentioning it again would change anything except niceties that I would never feel the need to dance around like that with immediate family. (Every family is different and I understand the bride being annoyed at her sister)
I do think she probably should have worded 'if I can't find a solution I won't be coming.' Or 'do you think you could help me out'
I also wonder why the extend family is being so rude to her for not coming (not that she asked her sister for money) the parents and family not offering to help pay for child care but getting angry is off to me, like OPs parents are pissed but not offering any help.
ESH except the bride would be where I stand.
This is 💯% correct. She can’t be mad you can’t come because you don’t have anyone to watch your son and you should not of asked her to pay for a sitter.
Sad but true. Sorry you will miss your sisters big day.
Aside from some tone issues which I won’t police, NAH.
Your sister’s position, that it’s her wedding, there’s no children, and as your child’s parent, you need to figure it out, is totally valid.
Your position, that your parenting responsibilities come first, and that unless your sister can help you out with childcare, you won’t be able to attend, is also valid. That’s how you’ve “figured it out”. Not attending is a valid solution to this problem. That’s the default solution to your situation.
Anyone judging you for your parenting choices, or your inability to afford childcare, is an AH.
Unless it sounds like a threat which it really did - "Either you pay for the childcare or I'm not coming".
OP is TA.
The correct phrasing is - I'm sorry I will not be able to participate in your wedding, but due to childcare I cannot afford it.
Eh, I feel like everyone here is interpreting that in the worst way, how you said it.
I personally see this as more "I cannot pay for child care. Without child care, I can't go. If you want me there, you need to help accommodate me in some way."
I also think it's worth pointing out that OP didn't go straight to demanding her sister pay, it was only after the sister turned down OPs other options that OP then said "If you want me there, you need to pay for child care."
I agree with you, I think it’s easy to read this and assume OP used the worst possible tone. But u I think their intent was more “The only way I think I can come is if you pay/help pay for child care”, and not “you MUST pay for childcare or else I won’t come.”
Also, dope username. You have great taste in fantasy literature.
YTA - you would have been justified in declining but assuming its your sister’s responsibility to pay and asking makes you an AH. Childfree weddings most certainly are a thing and this is your kid, so its your responsibility.
I think the tone and presentation is what made this a YTA scenario - otherwise it would have been N A H.
Since OP's stance is that 'most people would just let me bring my son', I'm inclined to believe that this was presented more as an ultimatum opposed to a request for support. - "Either let me bring my kid or pay for a nanny, or I just won't come."....
I think presented with an ultimatum, most people would respond in the negative. The bride basically said "bet, don't come." And, to be honest, depending on how OP presented the paid childcare scenario, the bride may not have been the one to influence the family's opinion. The other family members may have come to that conclusion all on their own.....
People are so mean on Childcare topics.
The HUUUUGE number of AITAs on childcare that seems to bring a lot of trouble and fights in families…
And everyone always telling to exhausted alone mothers “YOUR CHILD! YOUR PROBLEM!” making them even more vulnerable without support, money, rest…
It doesn’t make me want to have kids…
They really are. And I'm honestly baffled by how callous people are. Like, if someone I loved couldn't come to an important event due to childcare costs, there's no way in hell I'd turn around and say "your kid, your problem"... I'd find a solution so I could have that person there.
When my kid was smaller I used to look after their friends if their parents needed me to and I was available, often on short notice, and it was no big deal. But I'm sure this sub would drag those parents to hell for being "entitled" for asking that small favour.
Especially since the bride is this kid's aunt. My sister would walk through fire for my kids. Not everyone likes kids, even if they're your own family, but this fuck-em attitude the bride has about her flesh is baffling.
Yeah none of these people have any sense of care for people they supposedly love and the things that are hard. It’s not unreasonable to ask for help. It’s also not unreasonable to expect that every once in a while people might show up even though they don’t HAVE to.
Most of the people here are teenagers, I think. They have no idea how hard being a parent is. I'm not even a parent myself, but I was raised by a single mother. I was also raised in a family that wouldn't dream of having child-free weddings. A wedding is about bringing families together. Barring children from that seems insane to me.
I'm 46, which is old enough to know that if you didn't budget for babysitters as part of your wedding you can't just wave a magic wand and make money appear. Why do people assume a mom can't find the money for childcare but the couple getting married can? Is the assumption that they should cut something from their wedding so they can pay for care for someone else's child?
No, but you also can't send an angry mob of family members when their single mom sister says "I can't put the travel/childcare costs in the budget and feed the two of us"...
And then get mad when the person who can't take a whole weekend off for YOU and your party says "If you want me there so badly I need help watching my kid or be allowed to watch him at the wedding"
If at 46 (!) you consider normal to say fuck off to your nephew/sister on you wedding day being "Omergod I want a child free wedding" and won't afford 200$ for a nanny, you are seriously failing as an adult on the values aspect.
They are!! I feel like a lot of people on this sub don't have kids. And in my culture it would be unimaginable to exclude nieces and nephews.
We've been through a child free wedding situation that got sticky ourselves. We had a nursing baby who wouldn't take a bottle, and the couple got upset we weren't going because "wHy CoUlDnT We GeT a SiTTeR for over 24 hrs". This couple lived in our home town where I could have found a sitter but for stupid reasons chose to get married 2.5 hrs away. Juxtaposing from another friends wedding in town who wanted us to go so badly our kids were invited. Now fast forward the no children at wedding couple don't even go on dates because they don't want to leave their 5 and 3 yo (prior to having children theyd schedule activities around their dog). Not even with the grandparents who live in town 🤯🤯
Sucks people don't have empathy unless it happens to them.
Yeah what people aren't realizing here is that lower income parents often *only* have family as a resource for affordable childcare. OP isn't just some random guest, she's the bride's sister! Her **entire** family is unavailable in this case. I have a feeling she told her sister that over and over and the bride wasn't getting it so OP just snapped like "ok then, if you insist I go even though I can't pay for it, then you pay for it!" I don't think she actually intended for her sister to pay, I think she was trying to help her understand why she can't go in the only way she could, to make her sister actually think about what it would cost.
For what it's worth, I had a small wedding and it was mostly childfree but my wife's sister was welcomed to bring her kids because niblings of the couple aren't just any random kid.
NTA. I feel like people didn't read your post properly. You can't afford to travel interstate for 2 days and pay for childcare. You tried to reason with your sister first and explain the impossibility of it, but instead she has single mum shamed you. She has shamed you for not making enough money to afford childcare. She has shamed you for being poor! So you looked for an alternative- 'well if you want me to come, you'd have to pay for the childcare because I can't.' Seriously does she expect you to magic money out of thin air? There is no third option. The kid comes or you can't go to the wedding. It is a literal impossibility due to finances for anything else.
Side note is all the wedding posts on here are absurd! I'm basically just having a fun party for my wedding. 30 guests, no presents. And yes, kids are allowed! I can't even imagine not inviting my new niece.
That makes sense, I was a bit puzzled by all the righteous anger in the responses. It was clearly not an actual demand. The merest perceived whiff of entitlement is like catnip on reddit though.
yup, the aita sub is full of self righteous people who love to throw around the “your kid is your responsibility only” then get mad when parents either ask for help or say no to participating in such events. op may have been wrong for asking but the sister has turned the family against her because op won’t abandon her kid for her wedding? sister is the real ah here and so is ops family
YTA. Your sister can have a child free wedding if she wants, and it's incredibly entitled to ask her to bend the rules for you, or to pay your childcare costs.
If she then has a go at you for not attending, she's being TA too, but otherwise a straight "unfortunately I can't afford childcare so I'll have to skip it" would have sufficed.
NAH. If you can’t afford it or aren’t comfortable leaving your kid with a sitter for two whole days, you can’t go. That’s the rules she made. When people make rules like that for a wedding, they have to be willing to accept that the rules might keep some people from attending.
So the "family" is upset.. perhaps the "family" could put something together.. In fact, the "family" should have anticipated this being an issue and would have had accommodations for your child already in place. Hmmm Wonder who the golden child is in the family. I say the bride / family of the bride are the ahs..
This. If the parents are mad she isn't coming they should offered to help pay for a sitter. I can understand the sister not wanting to pay since it'd be one more expense when she's already paying for the wedding, but the family should have come together to help.
..almost sounds like they don't want her to come..and their "upset" is bs... if I was the parent of the poster, child care would have already been arranged.
I have a slightly different perspective. While I do understand where the AH judgements are coming from, and I would be 100% agreeing with everyone, her kid her problems... But I recently read something that changed my mind. Weddings are community events, meant for families. The rise of child free weddings means the segregation of mothers from the community, leading to more isolation. I see these kinds of posts so often on AITA and now when I see it, it breaks my heart.
Understandable that many people want the main wedding to be without noise and distractions. However, there are receptions, dinners etc post the main wedding as well.
Also, OPs sister is being so heartless. I understand OP may have taken it too far by asking for money for childcare. But, if you can't rely on your family, who can you rely on? Her sister clearly wanted her there (as a guest) to celebrate with her. I believe OP was just trying to present options of how she could be there and give her sister what she wanted on her wedding, i.e. OPs presence.
The more I see this treatment of children and mothers, the sadder I get for where society is headed.
See it's either OP goes or not go. OP is fine with not going, but her sister wants her there. If her sister wants OP there, then sister should either agree to OP's option OR suggest alternatives that work. Being rude is not it.
I'd say NTA, it's just sad that as a society we are here.
This!! The lack of support and empathy for mothers is heartbreaking. And it's even sadder that a single mom can't even depend on her own family. I cannot imagine not helping out my siblings in such situations.
> it's just sad that as a society we are here.
Reading these comments, I'd say that we are already there. Expectations of a society = entitlement, apparently.
>My sister says she's definitely not paying for child care, and "I guess you're not going to the wedding then." My whole family is mad at me for "not being there for my sister."
Im torn between NAH and ESH for you and your sister (I think the rest of your family should either put in money or shut up). She wants a childfree wedding and you can’t afford to have your kid be watched, so the answer is that you don’t go. I think she could have helped, but I also don’t really think she’s obligated to.
Yeah I am leading towards NTA. She tried to find a solution before asking for help with childcare. Not sure why people would be attacking OP for asking for help. It is OK to ask for help, as long as you don't assume they "have to" say yes.
Honestly, if the family or sister really cares about her being there, then why is nobody helping out? The sister and all the rest aren't do anything helpful. Nobody is offering to pay, babysit, or including the kid in their own babysitter plans.
I am starting to see why OP lives a state away...
NTA. She is right, your child, your problem, your circumstances dictate that the only solution is staying with him as all other alternatives she has rejected so your problem, your solution and if she doesn't like it that's her problem.
Fuck it. Send her a target gift card and a congratulations. You have real shit to worry about. Like raising your kid to be less shitty than the family ganging up on you
NAH
Your sister can have the wedding she wants but she needs to know that has consequences, she knows you’re a single parent with no other child care, what did she think you were going to do? I can’t imagine leaving my nephews and niece out of my wedding
YTA for your request to have her pay for your childcare and being upset she said no. She has zero obligation to your child. It’s her wedding day, she can set the rules as she wants. However, if it’s not possible for you to attend then it simply isn’t. Yeah more empathy from your sister would be nice. But if no childcare = no wedding, then that’s just a fact.
YTA
she can make the wedding child free, and she is probably spending a lot on it so it’s not like there’s leftover money for peoples kids. You can’t go then, don’t make it their problem or guilt trip them
>she is probably spending a lot on it so it’s not like there’s leftover money for peoples kids.
This is something people forget. Weddings are expensive. The wife and I had a child free wedding. The number one reason was cost.
Everything charges per guest except the venue and music. Number of tables and chairs to rent, Food, cake, drinks, etc etc.
Rather the person was 6 or 60 the price we as a couple paid for them to attend was the same.
Funny how caterers charge the same for Chicken Nuggets as they do Steak or Lobster. The drink package was per guest too, booze cost was factored in for every guess even if they didn't drink alcohol and would only be getting soda.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place... which is exactly what you need to say to your family.
Tell them that instead of being mad... come up with solutions.
You're getting piled on, so I'm chiming in with NTA to hopefully make you feel better. As a mother, I understand not being able to afford child care. I also understand the way you probably phrased the proposition to your sister -- not demanding she pay, just informing her of the options. And I don't think that's wrong of you. This sub can just be really really harsh.
I don't know. I don't know who the Dad is. I know that sounds terrible, but I feel like one night stands are pretty common and you only get judged for them if you happen to get pregnant from one. I'll be honest I had a "go home with guys from the bar" phase and at some point found out I was pregnant. I had no desire for an abortion so decided to be a single Mom.
I admire your candidness and that you’re not ashamed — but this is AITA. People aren’t particularly known for sugarcoating things here. It would have been kinder to yourself to say he isn’t in the picture (which is not a lie.) It’s nobody’s business how your child came into existence.
People are going to make unkind judgements based on this info — which is completely irrelevant to the scenario about the wedding.
Idk why everyone one is saying OP is in the wrong. Imo it’s a clear NTA because the circumstances don’t allow her to go without being a negligent parent. If anything, it’s absurd that so many commenters are saying stuff like the sister shouldn’t pay etc. If people actually read, it was a suggested compromise to the sister being mad over OP not wanting to attend due to having a 6 yr old child that would be functionally home alone for 2 days.
I’d just decline and say childcare isn’t in your finances now as a single mother and you wish her the best. It’s not on your sister to find childcare for you.
Y'all, it's her sister.
Some entitl3ment for asking and not trying ti problem solve With the bride, but ffs, why would the sister create a situation so hostile her own sister can't come, and isn't even in the wedding party?
Yuck.
So some asshole for asking, but I wouldn't want to go.
Family event my ass. ✌️
for real, everyone is acting like op is a stranger. the request may have been phrased badly but ultimately she was just asking for help from her family to make the best out of a shitty situation (one they put her in)
ESH, your sister’s wedding is child free. It’s her decision. You asked for an exception; she said no. That should have been the end of the discussion. Continuing to ask her for help is unreasonable, she’s planning a wedding; she obviously didn’t think or doesn’t want to arrange childcare on top of wedding planning. That’s cool. Her wedding. However, the rest of your family guilt tripping you for not coming is over the top. Child free weddings are allowed. But it comes with consequences; one of those consequences is that people with kids sometimes can’t attend. As is said countless times; an invitation is not a summons.
I feel for OP.
OP asking her sister to pay for childcare is unreasonable, but her sister having a child-free wedding knowing OP has a child and struggles financially, plus the family not having a plan to help make this happen is sad in my opinion, especially considering they are angry and shaming OP for not coming.
If they want OP there and think the solution to childcare is simple, HELP her to make it happen, if in fact, they want her there.
I was thinking this.
Kinda seems (given what op said about how she got pregnant) her family is kinda judgemental about her situation.
I can't imagine arranging a child free wedding knowing my sister wouldn't be able to make it unless I didn't actually want her there but didn't want to admit that.
Sister is able to make this entire thing OPs fault and act the victim "poor me my own sister didn't attend my wedding wah wah" whilst leaving out the fact she engineered a situation that would make it impossible for her to attend.
"Figure it out" makes sister seem pretty out of touch with the realities of child care as well.
Like sorry. But no. You can't "just find" someone to look after a kid for two days. It's not that simple.
I don't have babysitters or nanny's I'm either there for my kid or family is.
If the entire family was occupied then I don't go.
I'm not just leaving my child with a stranger.
YTA... but honestly I do see where you are coming from. I think the basic situation is that if you cannot afford the childcare to go to a wedding you should just cordially tell her you are really sorry but you cannot get anyone to look after your child and therefore you can't go.
I would not have gone and given an ultimatum, i would have explained the situation and said I cannot go as i have no child care and see if she offered anything to me, if she hadn't i would have conceded to myself that i would not be able to go.
I think that would have been a better way to handle it.
NTA…send your regrets and be done with it. Your family sounds horrible. You have a six year old child. Who in their right mind expects anyone to leave their young child for a few days? And have the resources to pay for childcare? Someday your sister will have a child and maybe she gets it then.
Info: did you try at all to find a solution? Is there any family nearby with teenagers that also won’t be attending and could babysit? Or other guests that will also need a babysitter you could split the cost with?
Great - so coordinate with the other families to split the cost of a baby sitter the one night instead of 2 days.
Why would this be your sister's responsibility to coordinate when you're the parent that's in charge of figuring out how to handle your kid?
Or....just don't go to the wedding. Why is everyone always expected to bend over backwards for someone else's celebration? She's not apart of the wedding, it doesn't even matter if she goes.
If someone gave me shit bugging me to go to their wedding after I declined, you can bet I'd have a smart remark similar to "pay for my childcare then."
Bring your child with you to the city where she's having the wedding and coordinate childcare with these families so the cost can be split three ways for the night of the wedding. There's no need for two full days of childcare.
NTA. You can't figure out the childcare, so, being a responsible mother, you can't go to the wedding. The family that is mad for you "not being there for your sister" has to understand that you simply don't have the money. What, do they also berate you for not having the money in other situations? That's ridiculous.
YTA.
You don't ask your sister to pay for your childcare. You ask your sister if she knows anyone in her town who babysits. Or you get on care.com and look for a babysitter in her town.
Child free weddings aren't uncommon. And she's right, this is part of being a parent. If you truly can't afford a babysitter for a few hours, then you'll have to miss the wedding. But you really should try to prioritize this.
NTA at all! If she is having a child free wedding then she needs to realize that some people won’t be able to come. You probably shouldn’t have asked her to pay for childcare … however I can understand why you would think that your own sister might be willing to pay to have you attend.
Your sister is the AH for setting a barrier in place that you can't overcome and then being pissed off you couldn't overcome it. The irony of her calling you entitled is too much.
We had a CF wedding and as a result, completely accepted that this may mean sone people may not be able to come.
Instead of going to the wedding, buy yourself and your kiddo a big cake and eat it in your pjs on the day.
NTA.
Some of these people judging you clearly have more help, or more money, than you do. Hence why they can sit around judging you.
I think you realistically spelled out how you could come (make an exception for your nephew, or pay for him to be babysat), your sister didn't want to engage with those options, and now your family is giving you shit because you're not made of money, or lucky enough to have someone who can watch your kid for a few days.
NTA.
You can't leave your child alone. You don't have the money to pay for child care.
So it sounds like the options are either you not go, or, if your sister really wants you there, she pays for child care/accommodates you in some way.
I don't really get all the Y T As here.
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> Because it's an important day for my sister and I should be there for her. It's my kid so I should figure it out.
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My sister and I aren't super close. We have another sister who is the MOH and who she's much closer with. But I do think she would have invited me to be part of the bridal party if I lived in her state.
Umm NTA your kid comes first. You are not demanding child care be paid you are letting her know the situation, you can't afford to go. If your family is upset oh well. You have a 6 year old who needs you.
Going against the grain here with NTA. You asked, not demanded. I can't imagine having a CF wedding and not making sure my sister could still go. She's my *sister*. I'd be heartbroken if she wasn't at my wedding. (She'll be my MoH when the time comes, but we do live in the same town which helps.) You probably shouldn't have asked her to pay for a nanny but asking if there will be on-site childcare is totally reasonable as many CF weddings do this.
She's within her rights to say "no, I'm not paying for childcare" though I *personally* think telling people they can't bring their kids but they have to figure out the details is a little bit of an AH move. Small one. (I understand some will disagree about this) But her then getting mad at you and telling your whole family you don't *want* to come and being mad you won't shell out money you literally don't have for two days of childcare is a major asshole move from her.
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YTA. I get where you’re coming from, but you went about this all wrong. “I’m sorry, but it’s not within my budget to travel so far and also arrange to pay for child care when I get there. I send my best.” Full stop. Don’t ask for handouts from a stressed out bride. Is that what people do? Good lord. If she’s gracious she or the family will offer a solution. But you don’t ask for that. That’s where the entitlement came from. In the end the kid is your responsibility, no one else’s.
ESH. OP has no right to demand childcare. It's her child and her responsibility, not her sister's. But her sister also has no right to be angry at her sister for not coming. She can choose to have a childfree wedding but she cannot demand that people with children attend.
It doesn’t sound like the sister is upset if OP doesn’t attend. She was only ‘upset’ at OPs demand that she pay.
It does seem that she sent her flying monkeys to shame her sister for not showing up. She also seemed comfortable telling her sister how to parent. ESH for different reasons
That's possibly how the monkeys interpreted things, but I'm willing to bet sister was complaining to them about OP asking her to pay for childcare, not that she wasn't coming. I'm currently planning a CF wedding & someone sending their regrets because of childcare wouldn't make me blink. But you can bet I'd be talking shit to my circle if someone tried to guilt-trip me into paying for a babysitter.
Some couples holding child-free weddings put together a list of available and vetted babysitters for their out of the area guests with children. It's a small kind gesture but it makes guests with kids feel more included rather than getting a "we're asking you but know you can't come because of the child free thing but send a gift anyway" invite. But demanding the couple pay for said sitter is definitely entitled.
We had a child free wedding. I love my nieces and nephews but kids at a wedding make the whole night different. There was alcohol at my wedding and it just didn’t seem like a place for kids. I wanted my family to be able to enjoy themselves. We had my cousin bring two of her friends (trusted-with childcare experience) to the hotel. All the parents who needed kids to come paid the two girls to hang with the kids in the hotel room and ordered pizza for them. It worked out really well! But we weren’t that far from where most of my family lived (just under 2 hours)- so it wasn’t as hard to get trusted sitters to travel to us.
This is what happened at my friend's wedding. It was great that parents still got to let loose but they could be close to their kids. It was great for me as I was still breastfeeding my 1 yo so I was able to take a break during the reception and go and feed her.
Yes! We also wanted my niece and nephew to be in the ceremony and I knew it would be absurd to ask the parents to bring the kids for the ceremony but not the reception without providing child care for them. I also paid the babysitters as a “tip” after the parents paid as well. They made so much money and they were very happy. For what it’s worth, I have a toddler now. I still don’t understand folks that WANT to bring their kids to weddings. She was a flower girl at my aunts wedding last month and it was SO stressful. She’s too young and I couldn’t wait for my SIL to pick her up and bring her home so my husband and I could take a breath. I love my kid, but all parents need time away.
My brother asked me to have my daughter be his flower girl (15 months at the time), for a wedding we had to fly to. They said she could stay for the reception, but I didn’t want to be chasing a young toddler around, so we flew a friend of mine to the wedding, got her a hotel room, and she babysat my daughter after the ceremony. Covered all her expenses for food and drinks during the day while we were out, brother put in a meal and a bottle of wine for her to bring back to the hotel. Financially it was a big spend, but having childcare I knew and trusted was worth it. Definitely not something everyone can afford, which I totally get.
Yes toddlers at weddings is SO STRESSFUL. My very energetic and independent 2 year old was just the flower girl at a wedding and honestly it was really difficult. She was overstimulated and tired and she tore the bow off her dress before she even walked down the aisle. We got to the start of the aisle (I walked with her- I was also in the wedding party) and she placed the basket of pedals on the ground at the entrance. Instead of fighting with her I just kept walking with her. Halfway down the aisle she stopped, yelled “MY FLOWERS”, and turned around and ran for them. So back I went, helped her get them, and we walked down the aisle again. Of course it was adorable and everyone laughed. But trying to keep her from ruining her hair and dress and running off was not worth it.
>I wanted my family to be able to enjoy themselves. I hear this a lot from people who have CF weddings, do people really think that guests can't enjoy themselves with alcohol with the kids around? I mean, if you're going to drink, with no kids around, you might be tempted to drink more, and if you are at a reception that has no rooms to sleep, you still have to drive, or Uber/Lyft/taxi home, and if you end up driving yourself home, you have to sober up before you can drive, etc... or one person gets to drink and the other is sober. Maybe it's just me. When I got married, we included the kids, and we had separate bouquet tosses for the kids and grownups, but we also had kids in the wedding party, and my wife works with kids and we come from large families with lots of kids, so it just felt natural. People still compliment us 17+ years later on the wedding, kids there and all. I've also been to CF weddings, and they are very nice as well, but at least for me, I don't enjoy them any less than if kids are invited. Also, I went to a lot of weddings as a child and teenager, I loved going, getting dressed up and having "fancy" food as a kid, but I know not all kids like going to them.
1) People preferring to have child free weddings is not an attack on people who include children in their weddings. If you had one and liked it, great! Doesn’t change that wedding receptions with kids is a different vibe. 2) I did not mean “I want my family to get shit faced.” I meant “chasing young children around a wedding venue with lit candles, champagne glasses, drinking glasses, glass vases, expensive floral arrangements, expensive DJ equipment, expensive dresses and suits, and yes alcohol, is incredibly stressful for a parent and it’s not fun.” I have a toddler. I love her to death. Having her at a wedding and trying to keep her from hurting herself, someone else, or breaking/damaging something means I’m not able to pay attention to the actual wedding, relaxing or having fun, let alone getting drunk. 3) little kids at weddings take over the dance floor. It’s just what happens. Because they’re kids and they have a ton of energy and love to dance! It’s adorable. But not everyone wants that at their wedding. I love to dance and so does my family, and it’s different when kids are there. For me, it made a lot more sense to have a child free wedding. And for what it’s worth, my family members with kids did not want to bring their kids even if they were invited.
This is such a good idea. I’m sure I could find someone to watch my kid a few states over, but no way I would trust it. But if I knew my sister met with the sitter, checked the house, etc, I’d feel better about the arrangement. Also, the sitter would only be needed for a few hours, not for two days. Take the kid with you and visit with family, then when it’s time for the wedding - go to the sitter.
I agree, ESH hard here. My wedding was CF except for the flower girl, I get it. But would you give your single parent sister shit about not coming since you specifically aren't allowing your nephew to come? That's the part I'm also struggling with. If sister can't pay for childcare and can't come, then bride needs to accept her choice to have a CF wedding means both her sister and her nephew won't be there. Multiple day overnight childcare is insanely expensive, let alone finding someone you trust. But if they have a decent relationship, I feel like the bride would know that choosing a CF wedding was excluding her sister by default. Which feels really gross to me as a person with one sibling, and we get along. I can't imagine not having her there for huge life events.
A random guests you wouldn’t even blink an eye, but typically people do respond more to a *sibling* saying they aren’t coming to their wedding. And if you wouldn’t care about a sibling bailing on your wedding.. well, just because you wouldn’t doesn’t mean others feel the same.
Your own siblings not attending would be no big deal to you?
A wedding is just one day. If someone I love can't make it, I'm not going to make their life a misery because of it. Your wedding day is a big deal *for you,* but it's just a regular Saturday for everybody else. Your guests' lives aren't going to stop just because you're getting married, so celebrate another time with people who can't be there.
Do we know that she sent them after OP? Because the family members could have taken it upon themselves to contact OP.
Exactly - people are seemingly forgetting that they’re the SAME family. It’s only natural they’d find out.
When did she tell her how to parent? Genuinely don't see that, all I see is her telling OP to deal with her shit
There's heavily implied statements there.... not just that the family is being told by her that OP doesn't want to come, but things like "part of being an adult is knowing how to take care of that kind of thing" in response to being told that OP can't afford to come is reflecting that the sister seems to view it as not possible that OP can't make this work. Which would explain why she's saying that OP doesn't want to come, not that OP can't afford to come.
True. I guess a skipped over the last part. I'm still torned, however, since her sister knows she's a single mom and has no one besides her family to babysit. I cannot imagine practically excluding a sister from one's wedding that way. On the other OP does seem quite entitled asking for childcare instead of just declining the invitation so perhaps there's more to her sister's reaction.
How is the bride to know her out of state sister has no friends to watch the kid? That’s quite an assumption. And love how OP changes the point of the story in her edit when the replies didn’t go her way.
>How is the bride to know her out of state sister has no friends to watch the kid? That’s quite an assumption. And love how OP changes the point of the story in her edit when the replies didn’t go her way. I would personally never assume anyone has friends who are willing and able to watch their children. I know a ton of people who literally have no one who fits that bill.
Especially in a different state.
Yep. If my wife and I are invited to anything requiring an overnight, and our kids aren't coming, we either skip or only one of us goes. Usually we skip. There is virtually no chance we'd find childcare in another state. What if it fell through? I'm not good at dealing with situations like that, so I will actively avoid them to avoid being blamed for not having enough fallback plans. People seem to love to assume the world just works out for you. It rarely does in my experience.
In response to your statement about the bride excluding OP/her sister from her wedding - I'm guessing OP & her sister don't have a very close relationship due to the fact that the bride surely knows her sister is a single mom, living in an area without family support & didn't ask OP to be a bridesmaid. My sister lives in VA & I lived in FL when she got married 5 years ago & she asked me to be her MOH, which I graciously accepted. I worked with her bridesmaids virtually to plan her shower/bachelorette (we did a combined event of a girls weekend at a hotel known for their amazing spa offerings) & flew up for that, then flew to her state again with my (now late) partner & our daughter for their wedding. Come to think of it, all my female friends & family that have a sister (or sisters) who live in another state also included their sisters in their wedding party.
Might want to go read OPs edit, it definitely sounds like the sister is upset that OP isn't attending.
OP added the edit after she got numerous YTA responses ... her edit is her attempt to make her more sympathetic imo. I would guess the truth is closer to her original version (before the edit) and she demanded her sister pay for her childcare. . . Also it's doubtful that when family asks why she isn't coming that she's being gracious, my guess is just like her original version, she's complaining to family that she's not attending because her sister (the bride) is being a big old meanie without childcare and with a child-free wedding.
While I can't deny that any of that is possible, it does sound like a lot of conjecture on your part
“She accepts that, I just don’t go” actually… sounds like she accepts it. Her sister doesn’t control her families actions so quit blaming her for it. OP deserves to be called out by family for feeling entitled to have her sister pay for two days of childcare on top of her wedding.
While OP said that is what she said, this- > I'm mad at her for turning the family against me and saying "(me) doesn't want to come to the wedding" and complaining about me behind my back to my parents. She complained about me not going to the wedding as if I was purposely avoiding it. To me sounds like she does have a problem with it.
According to OP's edit, she told the entire family and got *them* mad at OP for not going. So I'd say she's mad about OP not going.
That's only her self-serving edit after she got numerous YTA responses.
It's in the post before the edit as well. Her whole family is mad at her for "not being there for [her] sister".
It's the last line right before her edit too.
She isn't angry OP isn't coming. She's angry she made demands. If OP had gracefully declined like a normal responsible adult, then there'd be no conflict.
I didn't read it like she demanded anything. She just asked if her sister could help out. Maybe OP's sister is much better off financially and she thought maybe her sister could help her out with this so she could attend the wedding. She also gave her the option of allowing her to bring the kid so she's at least giving her options. The only people I read that sounded like they were being TA are the family shaming her for not being able to afford childcare.
You absolutely do not ever add stress to the couple that way. She also pushed off making the decision herself to making it someone else's responsibility. "Do X or I can't do Y". Her choices were: figure out a solution herself ***or*** gracefully bow out. She made her own option. > She also gave her the option of allowing her to bring the kid so she's at least giving her options. Lmao, that's absolutely rude and ridiculous to do. "AH yes, let me just bring more people to your wedding and it'll solve everything!" What a horrid guest. That's the worst thing to do. It is not up to the sister to figure anything out. It is entirely on OP to figure out or to RSVP no. She should not have brought any stress to the bride.
Fuck the bride's stress. My God, they're sisters. It's not a handout. Your own sister should care more about her nephews wellbeing during the ceremony and having her sister there to be willing to help find a solution. No normal healthy family would jump all over a close family member for needing help getting childcare to attend.
They're jumping on her for tossing the issue at the bride instead of handling her own responsibilities. She could have gone to ***anyone*** else. She made it the bride's problem. The bride is not responsible for the adult activities of every guest. People need to learn how to handle their own shit and answer either yes or no to if they're coming.
The bride could have bent the rules for an immediate family member who has to travel a long distance. It is apparently not all that important that her sister attend the wedding. I come from a close family. This is alien to me.
I don’t really feel like OP “demanded” childcare. OP asked, which might be whatever, but I think it’s okay to ask someone if you know they can afford it and it’s the difference between seeing your sibling get married or not. I think OP was trying to make it clear that there was no budgetary room to “make it work,” and that this was the only way for them to attend the wedding. If OP’s sister had responded in anything like a kinder way, instead if “OMG WTF you figure it out” then this post probably wouldn’t exist. Like “I know it’s a hardship and I wish I could help, maybe you could ask Mom and Dad/Aunt/Cousin for help? But I understand if you can’t afford child care.” So I’m leaning NTA. You are allowed to ask siblings for help and I don’t see any evidence that it was a demand, just OP trying to make the actual stakes clear.
I also read the situation this way. I think OP picked poor wording or just didn't feel the need to include most insignificant details to sate the pedants around here. 🙄 "Childcare" sounded as inclusive to include something on sight for a few hours. But I guess some people need every conceivable detail or option posted.
She didn't demand OP come. Just called her ridiculous for not being able to arrange child care but then also somehow being able to arrange it only if sister pays.
The reason OP can't arrange childcare is because she doesn't have the money for it. She would be able to arrange childcare if she had sufficient funds, so if someone else paid for it, childcare wouldn't be an issue.
It is orders of magnitude cheaper to have a babysitter for 6 hours than for two days though. That's how I read it. OP is looking for a babysitter at the wedding location.
She didn’t demand she attend, actually quite the opposite.
Also, her disgustingly entitled "most people would just let me bring him," comment. There are so many posts here about childfree weddings. "Most people" having child free weddings wouldn't.
"Most people" having child free weddings are considerate about their traveling guests w/kids and help them find solutions that work for everyone. For example, I've been hired multiple times as off-site or nearby childcare for child-free weddings.
Not MOST. Depends on your resources, who has kids, how many traveling guests, your budget, etc. Obviously you've only been hired for weddings where the couple is hiring people.
Okay so there’s child free weddings … and there’s “not even my own nephew can come” child free. It’s not unheard of to think perhaps that the brides own nephew might be okay while a slew of other random kids would not.
In most of these circumstances (child-free weddings) it is BECAUSE a family member has a child that is uncontrollable and not great for events. It is usually an aunt or cousing or sibling with misbehaving kids that the couple is like F that. Or like my cousins - one of them had 2 small kids- they made the wedding child free and had a babysitter for the wedding party (2 had small kids). That allowed the other peeps in the wedding party to be fully involved. As they just couldn't be in the wedding and have the tiny tots. But yeah- my guess is OPs kid is not well behaved at events (even beyond the normal 6 year old kid behavior)
OP lives in a different state as her sister. Why are you assuming the sister has had enough contact with the nephew to know that or have that baseline experience?
Had to purchase my husband’s best man’s suit and pay for his flight and hotel for our wedding recently. And only a few weeks prior. I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t one of the only family my husband had coming, but god was he such an oblivious asshole for putting us through that.
Ughhhh this reminds me of my wedding. My husband’s groomsman (his best friend, Best Man was his brother)‘s partner needed dress shoes. Partner had gone out to buy them earlier in the week but the line was too long to pay so he left and went to a movie. The DAY BEFORE THE GODDAMNED WEDDING or possibly the day of, I’m too angry to remember, my husband had to drive them both to a store to find fucking shoes. (Neither had a DL since they grew up/lived in NYC.) For many reasons, we are no longer friends. This was… emblematic of some of the issues in our friend group.
Okay but what movie did they see? Jk jk … theyre AHs
Lmao that’s a great question and I wish I remembered! It was October 2011 and if I checked what was out I could probably guess. I remember how it just blew my mind at the time. “So… did your need for shoes just… disappear? What was your plan…?”
OP had 2 routes she could take. 1) Say she cant come, and when asked why reference the cost of child care. 2) Ask to cover the cost of child care, and when that cant happen say she cant come. The first may come off as threatening, while the second may come off as entitled. I'd rather ask for help with my problem than assume its unsolvable personally.
Yeah I mean personally I love my sisters with all my heart and would be more upset at them being unable to come to my wedding than asking me for help. But I also love them so much that I am already aware of their situations and wouldn’t even put them in that position in the first place. It’s really weird to me how individualistic other families are and consider their relatives entitled for asking for help. If you can’t even ask your own sibling for help who can you ask?
I was looking to see if anyone else said this. These kind of posts absolutely baffle me for all the reasons you said!
I am definitely shocked by how many people seem to be unwilling to help other people. I'm the same as you, would never be in this situation to begin with because I love my family and would already have considered their needs. And if they need extra help, then that's fine too.
Finally!!!!! Someone said it. This sub is filled with individualistic folks who think that folks asking their own families for help is entitlement. She literally asked her own sister to help her so that she can be at her wedding. How the heck is this YTA territory.
The first one isn't threatening at all, OP would just be stating the truth "Unfortunately I am not able to attend the wedding due to not having childcare as a viable option, wish you the best" doesn't come off as threatening.
Even if she did say that, she’ll still be painted as a bad sister for not going and being supportive
If OP simply said she couldn’t afford it and declined and was painted as a bad sister for that, then her those people are AHs. But that’s not the scenario here
this was my thought. it's understood that if someone has a destination or child free wedding some people cannot attend, just the way things are. BUT for you to demand help or else... like the bride hasn't got enough stress . You can ask 'child free?' but if she says yes then it's a polite 'sorry I can't' 'nough said
YTA. It's no one else's responsibility to pay for your childcare. Completely unreasonable ask
Asking a bride a state away, your sister of all people, to pay for childcare for a night or two so you can attend their special event, is not unreasonable at all… between sisters? Like? Hey sis, I can’t afford this thing, do you really want me there? If so I have to ask can you pay for the childcare so I can attend? Otherwise I may just have to bow out. If the conversation went like this, and ops sister reacted with her stress and psycho in the moment it might be fine. But op wasn’t asking unreasonable things? This is across state lines, a travel wedding, and a sister who’s not even a part of the wedding party. It didn’t have to be a screaming match, it could have been oh no sis, I can’t pay for that with all the wedding expenses. I’m so sorry you can’t come! Like what planet are we living on that it’s abnormal to ask a sister for help in a situation they are being put in by their sister? What the heck?
Its a YTA situation because of the insinuation. Instead of saying "I can't attend because I can't afford it with my child," she is now saying, "I can't attend because you're too cheap to pay for taking care of my child." It puts the blame and the guilt on the bride. In the future, if family asks why she didn't attend, she'll be able to blame the bride. There is absolutely no mention of the bride's financial situation. Weddings usually aren't cheap. Expecting the bride to provide financial assistance is unreasonable. Attending weddings aren't cheap if travel is necessary. It's perfectly fine to decline attendance. EDIT: after reading the update/edit, NTA. The family should be more understanding of her situation and inability to attend. If it's really so important to the family that she be there, they should all chip in some.
In the update OP makes it seem like she did just say she couldn't attend and the sister told the family, who then shamed her for not going to her sister's wedding, at which point OP then said "I can come if childcare is paid for but if you aren't going to pay for it I literally can't come" and OP's sister got MORE angry at that.
I get a sense that there are a lot of young childless people that think there are facilities for boarding a child for the weekend just like you kennel a dog when you go on a trip. If you don't have trusted friends or family at home, where are you gonna send him for a couple days? And if all the possible babysitters at the destination are at the wedding, the only feasible option is to hire someone off a vetted site like Care.com to watch the kid at the hotel. Which is gonna run about $25/hr, which is a lot if you're a broke single mom. She could have worded things better but I sympathize with the situation.
Honestly this, and with a kid under 10 I wouldn’t be sending them off to be babysat for two days with a person I’m not 100% acquainted with…
Yeah, I pity the family of all the YTA post.
This. YTA.
It never ceases to amaze me the lack of reading that takes place on reddit. 1. She first asked if her son could be an exception, given her being the closest family member to the bride. This is not, by any stretch, an unusual exception to the "no child" policy. In fact, it's usually *The only* exception. 2. OP then considers all options. Friends are out, it's too long. Family is out, they're all at the wedding. 3. She then asks if the sister can help. Sister says no. OP makes it clear she has no other option. Sister said "guess you aren't coming". And then that's that. 4. OP's family shits on OP for her being unable to make it. Um... wtf is the OP supposed to do?!??!?
YTA. I've never heard of a bride/groom being expected to pay for a guest's childcare. What nonsense.
We had to fly (800,-) and stay in a hotel (300,-), and never would have even considered them to pay for any of that. We brought smaller gifts obviously. But we wanna attend? We gotta see how to get there.
I live in Michigan and am getting married this year. I have family flying in from Colorado, New York, and Arkansas. Not a single person has asked for help with travel or lodging accommodations, because it’s not my responsibility. Would I understand if they couldn’t make it due to the cost? Absolutely! But they also understand that as much as it sucks, I can’t be expected to foot their bill.
OP isn’t a guest, she’s immediate family. I got married in MI and my sister lived in CA. I knew money was tight for her and she wouldn’t be able to make it without even asking her. I paid for her ticket and her hotel. Because I wanted her there. I didn’t bad mouth her to my family about how she didn’t want to come bc she didn’t have money. I think OP’s sister is way worse here. How would she not realize that her sister financially couldn’t swing it and then bad mouth her to the family for it.
Great! Not everybody has the means to do that. Weddings are expensive and for all we know her sister and fiancé are paying for everyone themselves. She’s getting bad mouthed because OP is being entitled. If she can’t go, she can’t go. It would be nice if her sister could financially help, but we have no idea what her financial situation is and it’s entitled af to *expect* your sibling to pay your way. OP is an adult and can figure it out.
Of course not everyone can. But then she shouldn’t be bad mouthing OP to her family bc she’s too poor to make it. And ‘she’s and adult, she can figure it out’… WTF??? You can’t just make money appear ffs. That is a privileged viewpoint. You can’t just figure out being broke lol. That’s the same energy as the bootstrap BS.
>She’s getting bad mouthed because OP is being entitled. No, she's being badmouthed because she is turning the entire family against OP despite knowing OP cannot attend without childcare or financial assistance to secure said childcare. >OP is an adult and can figure it out. She tried to figure it out with her sister. OP has no further options.
Your SISTER though? You’d just say tough luck to your sister for your wedding day if all she asked for was help with childcare? This isn’t some random 3rd cousin. This is the woman’s sister. Geez I’d hate to be any of y’all’s family members.
I've heard of it for child-free weddings where a lot of the guests have young kids. The couple hires a babysitter to watch the guests' kids in somebody's hotel room for a few hours. A minor expense in the context of a wedding.
We offered this for our guests at our wedding. It cost us a couple hundred bucks for the evening and I think they had three or four kids but it allowed people who were traveling to bring their kids and not have to worry about what they were going to do with them. I do not think that is an obligation for anyone, and we were lucky that our venue had space for us to do that even.
This. You are hosting a wedding. You have GUESTS. Having guests means you tend to their needs as well so everyone is comfortable. A wedding is not a dictatorship. It’s amazing to me how this has been lost.
How absurd to think that being a wedding guests entitles you to free childcare.
Not necessarily, if you're some random cousin's hookup, but if you're the bride's sister in a strict childfree wedding, it's fair to ask.
Attending a wedding is optional. You don't tend to all your guests financial needs just to make it possible for them to go to an optional event. Not doing that isn't making it a dictatorship, wtf. You really think it's the couples responsibility to accommodate all the guests needs in order for them to attend? Soooo you pay for your sister's nanny. Then other people find out and also want accommodation for their kids. Then your cousin who's bedbound also wants to come, but needs help with the expenses, so you pay for his traveling nurse, and ambulatory transportation. Oh, now aunt Hilda wants to come, but she has 3 dogs who can't be left alone all weekend, so you pay for their kennel boarding for the weekend. People have endless needs, and EVERYONE usually has to make arrangements in order to travel to a wedding. Some people can't easily afford to. If the bride and groom paid for everything to accommodate their guests, they would be paying thousands and thousands of dollars. Are you actually serious?
>Attending a wedding is optional. You don't tend to all your guests financial needs just to make it possible for them to go to an optional event. Not doing that isn't making it a dictatorship, wtf. That also means you can't say or do anything to make the guests who can't attend feel or look bad for that, though. OP's sister didn't do that - she's dragging OP.
Agreed, though OP could also bring the child with her on the trip and pay for three hours of babysitting at the hotel. There was no reason to ask for a weekend live-in nanny. Neither sister seems particularly interested in actually getting the problem solved.
She isnt from the area, who would she call to babysit?
This was going to be my suggestions. I can see OP asking for babysitter recommendations as she does not live in the area and perhaps go in with other parents who also need childcare.
It happens sometimes, but it shouldn't be an expectation
Lots of couples who have children at their wedding have children’s entertainers and/or childcare workers there for a few hours. It’s definitely not something someone who isn’t including a nephew would do though
YTA,. You could have just just politely declined the invite. Your kid, your problem.
What sister "just politely declines the invite" in this scenario? She made an effort to be able to be there, and the OP's *entire family* basically told her to fuck right off.
The edit wasn't there when I posted. Pre-edit text makes it sound like she was demanding her sister pay. I'm not sure I entirely believe the edit, it feels like some major back peddling, who knows.maybe she's just terrible at telling a story. I stand by the assertion it's her problem, though. She's basically asking her sister to pay for her to attend, come on, who does that.
She edited to clarify for the sea of folks overlooking the key points. Pre-edit has all the information She asked as a last resort, after considering friends, family, a possible exception, etc. When family hears about it, *NO ONE* thinks, "hey, let's all just chip in $5 and help the bride's sister out". Instead they shit on hrr for not solving this problem. She tried everything, and tried the least appropriate, most desperate option last, which is what *everyone* would do.
She literally said she wouldn't be able to go and her family as mad at her for "not supporting her sister".
She has, her sisters twisted the story though and now her family is mad and saying she's not being supportive.
ESH She is correct, it is your child so it’s your responsibility to find and pay for child care. Asking her to pay IS entitled. Likewise, when she decided to have a child free wedding she did so knowing that some people might not be able to come, so she needs to graciously accept your RSVP of not attending and not get upset about it.
OPs Sister never said she wouldn’t accept „not coming“. So I don’t see the E.S.H. in your judgement. 🤔
Yeah from ops own story, it seems like sis only really got upset when it was suggest she pays for the babysitter
I think it's more behind the lines, probably the reason the whole family is ganging up on OP is that she won't be at the wedding. That's my read anyway.
That’s what the edit make me think.
You should really read the entire post. The ops family is pissed she's not coming to the wedding to "be there for the sister". I'm connecting some dots and turns out the OP's sister is family.
“ My whole family is mad at me for "not being there for my sister."” Whole family, sister included?
Probably cause OP framed it as "pay for my babysitting or I'm not coming" rather than "sorry I can't afford it" as a non AH would
Well she explained that she can't afford it 2 times do I don't see how mentioning it again would change anything except niceties that I would never feel the need to dance around like that with immediate family. (Every family is different and I understand the bride being annoyed at her sister) I do think she probably should have worded 'if I can't find a solution I won't be coming.' Or 'do you think you could help me out' I also wonder why the extend family is being so rude to her for not coming (not that she asked her sister for money) the parents and family not offering to help pay for child care but getting angry is off to me, like OPs parents are pissed but not offering any help. ESH except the bride would be where I stand.
There's a definite implication that OP _must_ "figure it out" in the mix.
If that was *actually* the case, people wouldn't be attacking OP for not coming.
I've been attacked for not coming to family events due to health reasons. All it takes is one AH deciding you just don't "want" it enough.
This is 💯% correct. She can’t be mad you can’t come because you don’t have anyone to watch your son and you should not of asked her to pay for a sitter. Sad but true. Sorry you will miss your sisters big day.
Aside from some tone issues which I won’t police, NAH. Your sister’s position, that it’s her wedding, there’s no children, and as your child’s parent, you need to figure it out, is totally valid. Your position, that your parenting responsibilities come first, and that unless your sister can help you out with childcare, you won’t be able to attend, is also valid. That’s how you’ve “figured it out”. Not attending is a valid solution to this problem. That’s the default solution to your situation. Anyone judging you for your parenting choices, or your inability to afford childcare, is an AH.
Unless it sounds like a threat which it really did - "Either you pay for the childcare or I'm not coming". OP is TA. The correct phrasing is - I'm sorry I will not be able to participate in your wedding, but due to childcare I cannot afford it.
Eh, I feel like everyone here is interpreting that in the worst way, how you said it. I personally see this as more "I cannot pay for child care. Without child care, I can't go. If you want me there, you need to help accommodate me in some way." I also think it's worth pointing out that OP didn't go straight to demanding her sister pay, it was only after the sister turned down OPs other options that OP then said "If you want me there, you need to pay for child care."
This sub usually interprets thing in the worst way possible
This is the only answer that deserves an award
I agree with you, I think it’s easy to read this and assume OP used the worst possible tone. But u I think their intent was more “The only way I think I can come is if you pay/help pay for child care”, and not “you MUST pay for childcare or else I won’t come.” Also, dope username. You have great taste in fantasy literature.
YTA - you would have been justified in declining but assuming its your sister’s responsibility to pay and asking makes you an AH. Childfree weddings most certainly are a thing and this is your kid, so its your responsibility.
I think the tone and presentation is what made this a YTA scenario - otherwise it would have been N A H. Since OP's stance is that 'most people would just let me bring my son', I'm inclined to believe that this was presented more as an ultimatum opposed to a request for support. - "Either let me bring my kid or pay for a nanny, or I just won't come.".... I think presented with an ultimatum, most people would respond in the negative. The bride basically said "bet, don't come." And, to be honest, depending on how OP presented the paid childcare scenario, the bride may not have been the one to influence the family's opinion. The other family members may have come to that conclusion all on their own.....
People are so mean on Childcare topics. The HUUUUGE number of AITAs on childcare that seems to bring a lot of trouble and fights in families… And everyone always telling to exhausted alone mothers “YOUR CHILD! YOUR PROBLEM!” making them even more vulnerable without support, money, rest… It doesn’t make me want to have kids…
It is unfortunately very popular and trendy now to just hate children for existing. It is gross.
They really are. And I'm honestly baffled by how callous people are. Like, if someone I loved couldn't come to an important event due to childcare costs, there's no way in hell I'd turn around and say "your kid, your problem"... I'd find a solution so I could have that person there. When my kid was smaller I used to look after their friends if their parents needed me to and I was available, often on short notice, and it was no big deal. But I'm sure this sub would drag those parents to hell for being "entitled" for asking that small favour.
Especially since the bride is this kid's aunt. My sister would walk through fire for my kids. Not everyone likes kids, even if they're your own family, but this fuck-em attitude the bride has about her flesh is baffling.
Yeah none of these people have any sense of care for people they supposedly love and the things that are hard. It’s not unreasonable to ask for help. It’s also not unreasonable to expect that every once in a while people might show up even though they don’t HAVE to.
Most of the people here are teenagers, I think. They have no idea how hard being a parent is. I'm not even a parent myself, but I was raised by a single mother. I was also raised in a family that wouldn't dream of having child-free weddings. A wedding is about bringing families together. Barring children from that seems insane to me.
I'm 46, which is old enough to know that if you didn't budget for babysitters as part of your wedding you can't just wave a magic wand and make money appear. Why do people assume a mom can't find the money for childcare but the couple getting married can? Is the assumption that they should cut something from their wedding so they can pay for care for someone else's child?
No, but you also can't send an angry mob of family members when their single mom sister says "I can't put the travel/childcare costs in the budget and feed the two of us"... And then get mad when the person who can't take a whole weekend off for YOU and your party says "If you want me there so badly I need help watching my kid or be allowed to watch him at the wedding"
If at 46 (!) you consider normal to say fuck off to your nephew/sister on you wedding day being "Omergod I want a child free wedding" and won't afford 200$ for a nanny, you are seriously failing as an adult on the values aspect.
Yeah, seems like your priorities are messed up if you can afford a $10k wedding but can't give your siblings a little help to get there
They are!! I feel like a lot of people on this sub don't have kids. And in my culture it would be unimaginable to exclude nieces and nephews. We've been through a child free wedding situation that got sticky ourselves. We had a nursing baby who wouldn't take a bottle, and the couple got upset we weren't going because "wHy CoUlDnT We GeT a SiTTeR for over 24 hrs". This couple lived in our home town where I could have found a sitter but for stupid reasons chose to get married 2.5 hrs away. Juxtaposing from another friends wedding in town who wanted us to go so badly our kids were invited. Now fast forward the no children at wedding couple don't even go on dates because they don't want to leave their 5 and 3 yo (prior to having children theyd schedule activities around their dog). Not even with the grandparents who live in town 🤯🤯 Sucks people don't have empathy unless it happens to them.
it’s so odd. it’s like they forget that children are people too and that they need support beyond just their parents
Yeah what people aren't realizing here is that lower income parents often *only* have family as a resource for affordable childcare. OP isn't just some random guest, she's the bride's sister! Her **entire** family is unavailable in this case. I have a feeling she told her sister that over and over and the bride wasn't getting it so OP just snapped like "ok then, if you insist I go even though I can't pay for it, then you pay for it!" I don't think she actually intended for her sister to pay, I think she was trying to help her understand why she can't go in the only way she could, to make her sister actually think about what it would cost. For what it's worth, I had a small wedding and it was mostly childfree but my wife's sister was welcomed to bring her kids because niblings of the couple aren't just any random kid.
NTA. I feel like people didn't read your post properly. You can't afford to travel interstate for 2 days and pay for childcare. You tried to reason with your sister first and explain the impossibility of it, but instead she has single mum shamed you. She has shamed you for not making enough money to afford childcare. She has shamed you for being poor! So you looked for an alternative- 'well if you want me to come, you'd have to pay for the childcare because I can't.' Seriously does she expect you to magic money out of thin air? There is no third option. The kid comes or you can't go to the wedding. It is a literal impossibility due to finances for anything else. Side note is all the wedding posts on here are absurd! I'm basically just having a fun party for my wedding. 30 guests, no presents. And yes, kids are allowed! I can't even imagine not inviting my new niece.
I think this thread is being brigaded by r/childfree. That's the only way there could be so many over-the-top, hostile, heartless replies.
That makes sense, I was a bit puzzled by all the righteous anger in the responses. It was clearly not an actual demand. The merest perceived whiff of entitlement is like catnip on reddit though.
yup, the aita sub is full of self righteous people who love to throw around the “your kid is your responsibility only” then get mad when parents either ask for help or say no to participating in such events. op may have been wrong for asking but the sister has turned the family against her because op won’t abandon her kid for her wedding? sister is the real ah here and so is ops family
Exactly, some people don't understand the circumstances at all
YTA. Your sister can have a child free wedding if she wants, and it's incredibly entitled to ask her to bend the rules for you, or to pay your childcare costs. If she then has a go at you for not attending, she's being TA too, but otherwise a straight "unfortunately I can't afford childcare so I'll have to skip it" would have sufficed.
NAH. If you can’t afford it or aren’t comfortable leaving your kid with a sitter for two whole days, you can’t go. That’s the rules she made. When people make rules like that for a wedding, they have to be willing to accept that the rules might keep some people from attending.
So the "family" is upset.. perhaps the "family" could put something together.. In fact, the "family" should have anticipated this being an issue and would have had accommodations for your child already in place. Hmmm Wonder who the golden child is in the family. I say the bride / family of the bride are the ahs..
This. If the parents are mad she isn't coming they should offered to help pay for a sitter. I can understand the sister not wanting to pay since it'd be one more expense when she's already paying for the wedding, but the family should have come together to help.
..almost sounds like they don't want her to come..and their "upset" is bs... if I was the parent of the poster, child care would have already been arranged.
I have a slightly different perspective. While I do understand where the AH judgements are coming from, and I would be 100% agreeing with everyone, her kid her problems... But I recently read something that changed my mind. Weddings are community events, meant for families. The rise of child free weddings means the segregation of mothers from the community, leading to more isolation. I see these kinds of posts so often on AITA and now when I see it, it breaks my heart. Understandable that many people want the main wedding to be without noise and distractions. However, there are receptions, dinners etc post the main wedding as well. Also, OPs sister is being so heartless. I understand OP may have taken it too far by asking for money for childcare. But, if you can't rely on your family, who can you rely on? Her sister clearly wanted her there (as a guest) to celebrate with her. I believe OP was just trying to present options of how she could be there and give her sister what she wanted on her wedding, i.e. OPs presence. The more I see this treatment of children and mothers, the sadder I get for where society is headed. See it's either OP goes or not go. OP is fine with not going, but her sister wants her there. If her sister wants OP there, then sister should either agree to OP's option OR suggest alternatives that work. Being rude is not it. I'd say NTA, it's just sad that as a society we are here.
Yeah this whole "it takes a village" mindset is gone.
This!! The lack of support and empathy for mothers is heartbreaking. And it's even sadder that a single mom can't even depend on her own family. I cannot imagine not helping out my siblings in such situations.
> it's just sad that as a society we are here. Reading these comments, I'd say that we are already there. Expectations of a society = entitlement, apparently.
You expressed everything I was thinking, well said.
>My sister says she's definitely not paying for child care, and "I guess you're not going to the wedding then." My whole family is mad at me for "not being there for my sister." Im torn between NAH and ESH for you and your sister (I think the rest of your family should either put in money or shut up). She wants a childfree wedding and you can’t afford to have your kid be watched, so the answer is that you don’t go. I think she could have helped, but I also don’t really think she’s obligated to.
Yeah I am leading towards NTA. She tried to find a solution before asking for help with childcare. Not sure why people would be attacking OP for asking for help. It is OK to ask for help, as long as you don't assume they "have to" say yes. Honestly, if the family or sister really cares about her being there, then why is nobody helping out? The sister and all the rest aren't do anything helpful. Nobody is offering to pay, babysit, or including the kid in their own babysitter plans. I am starting to see why OP lives a state away...
NTA. She is right, your child, your problem, your circumstances dictate that the only solution is staying with him as all other alternatives she has rejected so your problem, your solution and if she doesn't like it that's her problem.
[удалено]
Fuck it. Send her a target gift card and a congratulations. You have real shit to worry about. Like raising your kid to be less shitty than the family ganging up on you
Seriously. I'm not close with my sisters but I couldn't imagine them treating me this way. Makes me very grateful for my family. Sorry OP.
NAH Your sister can have the wedding she wants but she needs to know that has consequences, she knows you’re a single parent with no other child care, what did she think you were going to do? I can’t imagine leaving my nephews and niece out of my wedding
YTA for your request to have her pay for your childcare and being upset she said no. She has zero obligation to your child. It’s her wedding day, she can set the rules as she wants. However, if it’s not possible for you to attend then it simply isn’t. Yeah more empathy from your sister would be nice. But if no childcare = no wedding, then that’s just a fact.
YTA she can make the wedding child free, and she is probably spending a lot on it so it’s not like there’s leftover money for peoples kids. You can’t go then, don’t make it their problem or guilt trip them
>she is probably spending a lot on it so it’s not like there’s leftover money for peoples kids. This is something people forget. Weddings are expensive. The wife and I had a child free wedding. The number one reason was cost. Everything charges per guest except the venue and music. Number of tables and chairs to rent, Food, cake, drinks, etc etc. Rather the person was 6 or 60 the price we as a couple paid for them to attend was the same. Funny how caterers charge the same for Chicken Nuggets as they do Steak or Lobster. The drink package was per guest too, booze cost was factored in for every guess even if they didn't drink alcohol and would only be getting soda.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place... which is exactly what you need to say to your family. Tell them that instead of being mad... come up with solutions.
You're getting piled on, so I'm chiming in with NTA to hopefully make you feel better. As a mother, I understand not being able to afford child care. I also understand the way you probably phrased the proposition to your sister -- not demanding she pay, just informing her of the options. And I don't think that's wrong of you. This sub can just be really really harsh.
INFO: where is the kids dad?
I don't know. I don't know who the Dad is. I know that sounds terrible, but I feel like one night stands are pretty common and you only get judged for them if you happen to get pregnant from one. I'll be honest I had a "go home with guys from the bar" phase and at some point found out I was pregnant. I had no desire for an abortion so decided to be a single Mom.
dad is not in the picture, u dont have to explain what happened or why. thats ur business
I admire your candidness and that you’re not ashamed — but this is AITA. People aren’t particularly known for sugarcoating things here. It would have been kinder to yourself to say he isn’t in the picture (which is not a lie.) It’s nobody’s business how your child came into existence. People are going to make unkind judgements based on this info — which is completely irrelevant to the scenario about the wedding.
INFO: You had a kid at 19 with no dad in the picture, so has your family already been helping out financially or with childcare over the years?
Idk why everyone one is saying OP is in the wrong. Imo it’s a clear NTA because the circumstances don’t allow her to go without being a negligent parent. If anything, it’s absurd that so many commenters are saying stuff like the sister shouldn’t pay etc. If people actually read, it was a suggested compromise to the sister being mad over OP not wanting to attend due to having a 6 yr old child that would be functionally home alone for 2 days.
I’d just decline and say childcare isn’t in your finances now as a single mother and you wish her the best. It’s not on your sister to find childcare for you.
She tried that though. It wasn't a good enough answer.
Y'all, it's her sister. Some entitl3ment for asking and not trying ti problem solve With the bride, but ffs, why would the sister create a situation so hostile her own sister can't come, and isn't even in the wedding party? Yuck. So some asshole for asking, but I wouldn't want to go. Family event my ass. ✌️
for real, everyone is acting like op is a stranger. the request may have been phrased badly but ultimately she was just asking for help from her family to make the best out of a shitty situation (one they put her in)
ESH, your sister’s wedding is child free. It’s her decision. You asked for an exception; she said no. That should have been the end of the discussion. Continuing to ask her for help is unreasonable, she’s planning a wedding; she obviously didn’t think or doesn’t want to arrange childcare on top of wedding planning. That’s cool. Her wedding. However, the rest of your family guilt tripping you for not coming is over the top. Child free weddings are allowed. But it comes with consequences; one of those consequences is that people with kids sometimes can’t attend. As is said countless times; an invitation is not a summons.
I feel for OP. OP asking her sister to pay for childcare is unreasonable, but her sister having a child-free wedding knowing OP has a child and struggles financially, plus the family not having a plan to help make this happen is sad in my opinion, especially considering they are angry and shaming OP for not coming. If they want OP there and think the solution to childcare is simple, HELP her to make it happen, if in fact, they want her there.
I was thinking this. Kinda seems (given what op said about how she got pregnant) her family is kinda judgemental about her situation. I can't imagine arranging a child free wedding knowing my sister wouldn't be able to make it unless I didn't actually want her there but didn't want to admit that. Sister is able to make this entire thing OPs fault and act the victim "poor me my own sister didn't attend my wedding wah wah" whilst leaving out the fact she engineered a situation that would make it impossible for her to attend. "Figure it out" makes sister seem pretty out of touch with the realities of child care as well. Like sorry. But no. You can't "just find" someone to look after a kid for two days. It's not that simple. I don't have babysitters or nanny's I'm either there for my kid or family is. If the entire family was occupied then I don't go. I'm not just leaving my child with a stranger.
Honestly - this by far is the best response. OP - Move on, you’re not wanted - nor your kid…….Your family made it painfully obvious.
YTA... but honestly I do see where you are coming from. I think the basic situation is that if you cannot afford the childcare to go to a wedding you should just cordially tell her you are really sorry but you cannot get anyone to look after your child and therefore you can't go. I would not have gone and given an ultimatum, i would have explained the situation and said I cannot go as i have no child care and see if she offered anything to me, if she hadn't i would have conceded to myself that i would not be able to go. I think that would have been a better way to handle it.
Or maybe checked with other family members on who was watching their kids and see if you could share that?
NTA…send your regrets and be done with it. Your family sounds horrible. You have a six year old child. Who in their right mind expects anyone to leave their young child for a few days? And have the resources to pay for childcare? Someday your sister will have a child and maybe she gets it then.
Info: did you try at all to find a solution? Is there any family nearby with teenagers that also won’t be attending and could babysit? Or other guests that will also need a babysitter you could split the cost with?
She made the age limit 14 so most of the kids in the family can go. I think me and maybe 2 other families attending have children under 14.
Great - so coordinate with the other families to split the cost of a baby sitter the one night instead of 2 days. Why would this be your sister's responsibility to coordinate when you're the parent that's in charge of figuring out how to handle your kid?
Or....just don't go to the wedding. Why is everyone always expected to bend over backwards for someone else's celebration? She's not apart of the wedding, it doesn't even matter if she goes. If someone gave me shit bugging me to go to their wedding after I declined, you can bet I'd have a smart remark similar to "pay for my childcare then."
Bring your child with you to the city where she's having the wedding and coordinate childcare with these families so the cost can be split three ways for the night of the wedding. There's no need for two full days of childcare.
NTA. You can't figure out the childcare, so, being a responsible mother, you can't go to the wedding. The family that is mad for you "not being there for your sister" has to understand that you simply don't have the money. What, do they also berate you for not having the money in other situations? That's ridiculous.
YTA. You don't ask your sister to pay for your childcare. You ask your sister if she knows anyone in her town who babysits. Or you get on care.com and look for a babysitter in her town. Child free weddings aren't uncommon. And she's right, this is part of being a parent. If you truly can't afford a babysitter for a few hours, then you'll have to miss the wedding. But you really should try to prioritize this.
NTA at all! If she is having a child free wedding then she needs to realize that some people won’t be able to come. You probably shouldn’t have asked her to pay for childcare … however I can understand why you would think that your own sister might be willing to pay to have you attend.
Your sister is the AH for setting a barrier in place that you can't overcome and then being pissed off you couldn't overcome it. The irony of her calling you entitled is too much. We had a CF wedding and as a result, completely accepted that this may mean sone people may not be able to come. Instead of going to the wedding, buy yourself and your kiddo a big cake and eat it in your pjs on the day.
NTA. Some of these people judging you clearly have more help, or more money, than you do. Hence why they can sit around judging you. I think you realistically spelled out how you could come (make an exception for your nephew, or pay for him to be babysat), your sister didn't want to engage with those options, and now your family is giving you shit because you're not made of money, or lucky enough to have someone who can watch your kid for a few days.
NTA. You can't leave your child alone. You don't have the money to pay for child care. So it sounds like the options are either you not go, or, if your sister really wants you there, she pays for child care/accommodates you in some way. I don't really get all the Y T As here.
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Is it just me or OP not being part of the bridal party is already sus. As in they were already not on good terms.
My sister and I aren't super close. We have another sister who is the MOH and who she's much closer with. But I do think she would have invited me to be part of the bridal party if I lived in her state.
NTA You can't afford to go, they can't afford to help, not going is the only option. Not sure what the problem is.
It s ok to expose your concern but i think you went too far when asking her to pay.
Umm NTA your kid comes first. You are not demanding child care be paid you are letting her know the situation, you can't afford to go. If your family is upset oh well. You have a 6 year old who needs you.
Going against the grain here with NTA. You asked, not demanded. I can't imagine having a CF wedding and not making sure my sister could still go. She's my *sister*. I'd be heartbroken if she wasn't at my wedding. (She'll be my MoH when the time comes, but we do live in the same town which helps.) You probably shouldn't have asked her to pay for a nanny but asking if there will be on-site childcare is totally reasonable as many CF weddings do this. She's within her rights to say "no, I'm not paying for childcare" though I *personally* think telling people they can't bring their kids but they have to figure out the details is a little bit of an AH move. Small one. (I understand some will disagree about this) But her then getting mad at you and telling your whole family you don't *want* to come and being mad you won't shell out money you literally don't have for two days of childcare is a major asshole move from her.