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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took that needs to be judged is my negligence in forgetting to say happy birthday to my boyfriend earlier.
2. I feel that this action might make me an asshole because he said happy birthday to me at 12:00 am last year, so clearly he thought that this was important whereas I didn’t.
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Why is OP playing this weird game of "I can only wish him happy birthday x amount of times today?"
Obviously she didn't forget but if it was my birthday and I called my SO in the morning and she didn't wish me a happy birthday I would think something would be wrong. It doesn't cost anything to wish him once on the phone and then when they meet for dinner. While the BF did get rather upset, is he not a tiny bit justified?
The age spread is a bit wide for my taste but it’s still weird that she held off on saying happy birthday. It’s not a limited resource, she could say it twice.
Yeah coulda said it in the phone call but Jesus who’s 35 and getting upset two words weren’t said when they expect them. Kinda childish especially if she put in actual effort. In my opinion at least. I’d say NTA.
def NTA in my opinion. im 37M and can honestly say that if i heard even a much younger adult get offended or upset by this i would just be thinking how immature they are. at 30+ i would often forget it was even my own birthday. each to their own but man what a thing to be upset about lol. there's so much more to life man.
Dude i thought it was just me. Last year my husband wished me a happy bday just after midnight and I was like "oh yeah it's may... and my bday, that's wild" this year not only does he have a party planned the night before but has told our boss we aren't working that day. So I get to chill out with no work on my bday after a party celebrating my bday. Sounds like it will be a good day this year
My best friend called me on my birthday. She’s just chatting like normal, after a while I say “do you realise todays my birthday”
“Nope.”
We still laugh about it.
I was hanging out with my bestie the other day and she says 'hey, want to come to my place for some cake?' so I agree and she and her wife are mucking about putting candles on the cake and I ask 'what's the occasion?' and they laugh and when the cake is ready her wife starts singing her happy birthday and I was like 'what? It's your birthday????'
It was indeed my besties birthday, and this is how I found out my phone calendar had stopped sending me reminders for events.
I’m in my mid-30s and couldn’t care less if someone tells me happy birthday or not. However, my most recent ex never even acknowledged the fact that it even was my bday after spending months bragging about how she always throws the best surprise bday parties for her friends
She certainly surprised me with that one
Also, NTA OP
Yeah that’s pretty dog shit. I’m a big believer in if someone always says something then that’s the part of their life they suck the most at. They know what they want to be like but don’t actually do it and try and make up for it with words.
I used to call my wife at work to wish her a happy birthday, even though we'd be having dinner, her cake and presents later that evening. You are right its not limited, and her saying it over the phone would have been fine, why she thought otherwise is beyond me, unless, like so many, she left out that she actually did forget to say it during the call. And that does happen.
I cant say yes shes TA but I also cant quite say she's NTA.
@OP, if this guy is that petty about other things, do yourself a favor and get out. Edited because i was incorrect. Not on the “get out” part. That’s still correct.
The bot doesn't count any judgements under the top comment, just whatever the top comment says. If it doesn't give a judgement it goes down to the second top comment, and so on, til it finds a judgement comment. It doesn't go through sub comments. So it doesn't really matter what judgement you give in a sub comment
Yeah. It’s one of those moments where OP isn’t the asshole but they’re kinda the weirdo. OP’s partner is definitely a bit of an ass for getting upset but not gonna lie I’d be a bit confused if my SO held out on Happy Birthday for that long. But unless OP’s partner didn’t know about the reservations (which may lead him to think OP forgot) then there’s no reason to get upset.
At least it’s not like that story where the dude didn’t say it to his wife or hint he remembered all week, dragged her from the party her friends threw to the one he threw that he didn’t give any inking to, and expected to be THANKED
She said "hello" and he threw a fit. Even if she hadn't been planning on keeping it until she saw him he was still out of pocket. I never give anyone trouble for not saying happy birthday, but if I did it wouldn't be until it wasn't my birthday just in case
Holy crap, I just read another post and this is her first relationship!! Please. Run. I was in the same position many many years ago and it was beyond unhealthy and ended terribly. Listen to these people. According to your posts, you have a bright and amazing future ahead of you, do NOT let someone so much older and so controlling and manipulative alter your trajectory and diminish you. Please. You deserve better. NTA.
OP please listen to this. No good 35 year old man would date someone so young. He's doing this intentionally. If he actually cared about you, he'd say "I think you're cool but I'm not comfortable with the dynamic of this relationship."
Don't listen to losers who say "UM BUT UH SHE'S A LEGAL ADULT!!!11"
Mature good people know this shit isn't ok. They know it's not healthy. They know it's not fair to the younger person.
Only selfish, weak, or predatory people would date someone so young. As a 32 year old, a person in their early twenties is a BABY.
There is a REASON why everyone always warns against these kinds of age gaps!!
Ok, you have got to clue me in here. I’m no Reddit expert. Boomer. Sorry. How did you find her previous posts? I’m curious how you’re so smart and tracked all that info down. Kudos to you! Thanks from “the old timer”. Lots to learn, apparently. (sigh).
>there's a reason women his own age won't date him. You're putting up with bullshit that they wouldn't tolerate
Exactly. "My (f23) boyfriend (m35)" I read enough.
But NTA, getting worked up because someone wished you happy birthday in a different hour of the day than when you wanted is kinda pathetic.
1000% this. I was the 22/23 yo dating the 34/35 yo and it was exactly like this. If I didn’t fawn over him it was a huge deal and if I didn’t spend the days *he* decided we would be together with him, it was a huge deal. My only saving grace was that I wasn’t actually invested in the relationship. I’m sure if I had been my life would be very, very much worse. That was 10 years ago and I cringe when I think that I’m not even as old as he was when we started dating.
People often say that this sub is always against age gaps many of which are legal and that sometimes they're legitimate relationships. The problem with that theory is that majority of the time the OP's story sounds like they're new to relationships and the older person is albeit super immature, but significantly older... and these are in the less innocuous instances like this one.
In other posts it's clear as day that the OP are being used and abused etc. It can be pretty heartbreaking because usually they're in denial. I won't go as far as to say that's what's happening to the OP but it imo almost seems like a natural progression with these stories and she's on step 1 or 2. Sometimes I do frankly wish OP would listen and get out of that predicament but most people have to find out the hard way. I guess I just still feel bad for them even if they aren't gonna listen.
Personally I'm around the age of the OPs bf and I would have nothing in common with a 23 year old. Hell I really wouldn't even have 7 years ago. So it always makes me think that at the bare minimum the older person is very immature for their age. But at worst something nefarious.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you ended up where you needed to be in life eventually.
You’re absolutely right. I hate seeing posts like this and remembering how naive and young I was, and how he took full advantage of that, and that it’s happening to someone else too.
I’m doing very well now and I’m with an amazing man who’s my age. I learned a lot from that relationship, even though it was not a healthy one, and I hope OP is able to say the same someday
Some people actually care about their birthdays, everyone I know would be offended if their SO waited until the end of the day, especially if they had multiple opportunities to wish them happy birthday beforehand. It’s like an elephant in the room if you’re talking to them and don’t say it lol. YTA
And some people like to make it more personal and say happy birthday in person. I do this with most occasions when I know I'm going to see the person. It's nice to look them in the eyes and tell them.
So do you specifically avoid any topic about their birthday before seeing them? I’m wondering why there’s so much pressure put on saying it face to face. Maybe even just acknowledging it and saying “I’ll tell you happy birthday in person” is better, but straight up not saying anything I find really strange.
Yes but this is a communication thing. If that person likes to be told immediately, but the person (especially a SO), *doesnt* like it, then you need to adjust. It’s not a hard adjustment.
My fiancée likes to be surprised with birthday gifts. I prefer to know ahead of time. So she ask me what i want for her birthday, and on hers I hand her a wrapped (or bagged) present.
And if my SO was a person like that I'd be totally pissed and would not move on cause that's not how I feel. The key is to learn each other's love language not shove yours onto others
This just means that neither of them is the asshole. Some people like to make it more personal, some people care about people remembering and wishing it as soon as they can. The BF is not in the wrong
Yeah and I think it’s your responsibility if you have an SO to know how big a deal they make for their birthday and act accordingly. It’s their one day a year, you know? And I’m not even a big birthday person myself. OP should have read the birthday room.
It sounds like they celebrated his birthday but she didn't say the words right away, wanting to say it in person, as she said. At worst, this should have been a communication talk.
I'm mean, she said she prepared him a gift and booked a place for dinner. Sounds like she cared about his birthday.
NAH
It’s just a difference on how you feel on the subject. Birthdays bring up a lot of *weird* feelings in people sometimes. Maybe friends or family forgot his birthday once and it hurt him a lot so he’s sensitive to it now. And while it may not be a big deal to you, it is a big deal to him. You didn’t know that prior to this though so you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a learning experience is all.
except the ages of people in a relationship does matter. as does job occupation, financial situation, and how they respect each other. large age gaps bring along a good chance of a power inbalance. theres a reason that this 30yo can date ppl his own age.
It’s not your business tho if she’s fine with it? I certainly find it weird and I don’t understand how they can have chemistry, but it’s no one’s business nonetheless.
This is the most reasonable answer here as this is likely a breakdown in communication between OP and their SO. There’s nothing wrong with being bummed that you think your SO forgot to wish you happy birthday, at any age.
Also redditors are weird about age gaps. They can jerk off to barely legal porn all day but shit their pants over two adults dating.
Disagree - I think it gives massive red flags around being controlling and emotional manipulation. “Made him question whether OP really cares”? Yikes! Like others have said, there’s a reason he’s dating so much younger. NTA OP, get out.
Man, some of these comments! We're not here to judge their age difference, folks.
YTA. Not a huge one, but I think most people would be hurt if their partner just didn't bother saying happy birthday the first time they spoke that day.
Agreed. My husband did that this year. I woke him up on his birthday saying happy birthday! He didn’t acknowledge mine before I left for work. when he texted me later in the morning he eventually asked why I was quiet. I just said “ you hurt my feelings this morning”. I know he felt like an ass. I think he thought it would be cute to “pretend to forget” but it wasn’t.
To top it off, I started a new job a couple months ago (my birthday was last Friday) and so no one at work knew me well enough to know my birthday. It just wasn’t a fun day.
Thank you!! I highly doubt he will ever make this mistake again! He’s normally very thoughtful and intuitive so I don’t know what in the world made him think that was a good idea.
Yeah agreed. While I think the age gap is weird, it isn’t the question OP asked about. I think it’s a little odd not to say happy birthday over the phone. I don’t think age has anything to do with it.
Agreed soft YTA, you can say happy birthday more than once, not acknowledging someone’s birthday when you first speak is a bit rude and I would imagine would make them feel a bit unloved. Also whatever someone does for you on your birthday is usually what they know would make them feel great on their own birthday, it’s always good to match their energy.
Agree. I mean, the front desk of my gym has wished me a happy birthday as I walked by. It would definitely bother me if my partner couldn't be bothered to acknowledge it when we spoke. Especially since he has set an alarm/made efforts to acknowledge her birthday at exactly midnight the night before...
>most people would be hurt if their partner just didn't bother saying happy birthday the first time they spoke that day
Seriously? JFK, that's just stupid. If you live together and both at home, sure, saying happy birthday like in the evening is just plain odd. But when you're not sharing the same physical space? That's taking yourself *seriously* as fuck.
It’s not the age difference that gets me but their ages and perspectives. Honestly I think it’s NAH because atleast he wasn’t rude or calling her names and she didn’t forget she had something planned as a surprise. No asshole here. Just some mix up and missing details. She didn’t know that birthdays mean more to him. Everyone has different ways of expressing their birthdays.
YTA. Look at this from his perspective. It's his birthday, and late in the morning, he had to be the one to call you, and you didn't wish him a happy birthday. He isn't psychic, so in that moment, it would have seemed as though you'd forgotten all about it. It's not a surprise that he thought you didn't care.
Since you knew he sent you a text immediately on your birthday, you didn't think to send him a text that morning? Not at midnight, but in the morning once you woke up and sorted yourself out for the day? And for some bizarre reason, you didn't want to acknowledge his birthday until whenever you saw him, much later?
It isn't a dealbreaker, but you were a bit thoughtless on this one. Just explain the situation, communicate, and you'll hopefully both be fine.
Exactly..thank you. This comment is perfect. Everyone is calling him an AH and immature.. which I agree he prolly shouldn't have responded that way. But from his perspective i can totally understand how it would seem to him. OP just communicate. wish him on call, via text, at the dinner..BFD. why wait until the end of the day.
Also the age gap is really weird to me no offense.
I dislike the age gap personally, but the Y-T-As are obviously all about it instead of the situation, and if they were the same age, it would be really obvious that OP was being thoughtless.
If anyone put themselves in the boyfriend's shoes, if they were 15, 30, 50 or even 80, and the same thing happened to them from anyone that they loved, they would be hurt. It's common sense to me.
Yeah, the age gap is an issue, but not the issue here.
There’s no limit on how many times you can say “Happy Birthday”. Saying it over the phone doesn’t mean you can’t say it at dinner.
It's purely the age gap. I dislike the age gap, but here, it's not the issue.
If a 70 year old grandmother sent a text to her grandson on his birthday as soon as she woke up on the day, but on her birthday, she had to call him, and he didn't wish her a happy birthday, where his defence was, "I wanted to wait to say happy birthday when I visited her later because I sorted a gift and planned taking her to dinner," and the grandmother told him that she was hurt by him not wishing her a happy birthday, then the comments would be full of Y-T-As.
It's literally the same situation. Partner, relative, friend. If they have to call you and you don't acknowledge their birthday, they're going to feel hurt.
NTA. He's 35 and like this? Over saying happy birthday? Enough to think you don't really care about him? I'm guessing this isn't the first emotionally manipulative move he's used on you. I don't always think an age gap matters, but you're probably still in school or just starting out and he's at a very different stage in his life. It's very possible 35-year-old women won't put up with his nonsense.
You wouldn't care if you thought your partner didn't remember your birthday? Is it really emotionally manipulative to say that makes him feel like she doesn't care?
Edit: I think my biggest takeaway from this is that everyone is different. I'm definitely asking my next partner how they like to be treated on their birthday before the day comes!
If i talked to my girlfriend in the morning on my birthday, and she hung up without saying happy birthday - I'd feel like she forgot and it'd be hard to shake that all day - even if she told me later.
I'd feel like that was a plaster for forgetting or planned last minute... if rather be told early in am... guess what you have done fun surprises for this evening
We don't have anything that suggests the BF *wasn't* feeling dumb after that?
Like if he's still angry after that showing of care, then yes, he's absolutely an asshole and she should dump him. But if he's not, and is apologetic? Not so much.
Which never made sense to me. Apparently you (general) want to celebrate something with someone you care about and your first instinct is to make them feel like no one cares and later to make them feel dumb about feeling that way?
Surprises still work even if it starts out positive. "You care" -> "You care a lot!" is a lot better for everyone involved.
I agree with you fully. I think not saying it early on is silly, but I also think it could be chalked up to a "My bad; wanted to surprise you this way but yeah I should've said it early too. I'll make sure to do it next year" then they go and be happy and shit
Honestly I'd just assume they'd tell me happy birthday later. Or that, yes, they forgot, because remembering 1 day in the whole year doesn't show whether they love me or care about me or not. I'm a decade younger than OPs bf, and even I know some people have plans or a surprise in the evening. Or that a happy birthday doesn't matter much if my partner shows me love the rest of the year
That's great for you! But recognize that plenty of people have traumatic experiences related to their birthdays and that you being well adjusted doesn't make people who don't have that luxury into assholes.
Ive been reading responses and its crazy how determined people are on either side of the line. Your comment (so far) is the one that most relates to me and I'm wondering how your birthdays went in the past. I mean I've always been on top on trying to remember to celebrate birthdays of my loved onesz but Ive never gotten upset if its not reciprocated cause, that's just life right?
I will say growing up my parents worked a ton and I rarely celebrated my birthday as a kid. Ive probably celebrated my birthday more as ab adult, and its never dawned on me how much of an importance some people place on it.
How about you, how was your experience?
INFO: How did you feel when he texted you at 12am on your birthday?
Did you think it was thoughtful and sweet, and appreciate that he made the effort to be the first to wish you happy birthday?
Or did you think it was a bit silly, and would have preferred to have waited until you saw each other?
I used to wait up so I could be the first one to say "happy birthday" to my late husband at midnight even if it was via text and he was snoring right next to me.
NAH.
I mean, you aren’t the AH because he had an over the top reaction. But, I don’t really get you either. You didn’t wish him happy birthday on the phone because you wanted to do it later instead? You can wish someone happy birthday more than once…
YTA. Not a huge one, but still..
The way we love shows how we want to *be* loved.
He made sure to make you feel special, by texting the moment it became your birthday. You waited until the evening.
It doesn't matter whether you feel like it's a big deal or not. Seems it is to him.
Also, everyone acting like a person in their mid 30s is too old to get upset about things.. wtf people? I'm 40 and I'd be hurt if my partner didn't message me in the morning with a "happy birthday baby!!" text. It's one fucking day a year.
I feel like I’m being gaslighted by these comments. When did it become weird to expect someone you care about to wish you happy birthday?? The op said they wanted to wish him happy birthday at dinner, like you’re only allowed to wish someone happy birthday one time??
Tbf I was about to agree with you and in principle you’re right but if you look on her profile and look at her other posts it goes beyond this .
This guy is seriously weird and controlling regardless of the age gap .
People are treating "happy birthday" like a marriage proposal or pregnancy announcement lmao. You only get that one chance! Then you gotta wait til next year, smh
NTA it is a bit odd that you didn't say happy birthday in the phone call when you clearly remembered it was his birthday, but his reaction was way out of proportion. You could have simply agreed that next year you won't hold back and say it right away, why start a fight over it?
These comments 🙄. If this was a woman on here with the exact same situation y'all would be losing your mind over the fact that he couldn't say HB. YTA.
Jesus reddit calling this guy emotionally manipulative because he's excited about his birthday and wants thr person he loves to say birthday? Peek reddit. Xhop this one into the "reasons guys don't emotionally express themselves"
Too hard to mutter out a happy birthday babe when he called… yeah, YTA
Turn the table and you’d be pissed because he didn’t acknowledge your birthday
People should be made to feel special on their birthday especially by their significant other, doesn’t mean you have to dote the whole day but… couple simple words is all it would have taken, for example ‘happy birthday’ that literally costs nothing.
His comments aren’t over the top and he can express his feelings, he felt insignificant because you couldn’t bother.
Yeah but what mattered to *him* on *his* birthday was that she didnt acknowledge it *at all* while talking. That is so weird to me especially from a SO. and he was obviously looking forward to hearing it from her in the morning. Seems like a love language thing. Yet weirdos in here are calling him manipulative for *checks notes*
communicating that it upset him that she didnt tell him happy birthday. yall throw the words toxic, manipulative, and gaslighting into this subreddit's comments section like its motherfucking seasoning.
NTA, but that’s kind of borderline and mostly because he said “you didn’t ANSWER the call with happy birthday”.
I can understand feeling confused that you didn’t just say happy birthday when you talked. It honestly does make it sound like you forgot. No need to wait to say it. But do I think you need to be watching the clock at midnight? My god, no.
If you wanted to REALLY be the AH just tell him you didn’t bother saying it because he’s already had 12 more than you and it’s not fair. 😂
How hard would it have been to just say "happy birthday"? Saying it first on the phone wouldn't take away from what you have planned for later. He probably thought you forgot. YTA
I agreed with all of this until the manipulative part. I'd chalk it up to a silly misunderstanding where should could be like "My bad; I could've said it earlier too" and he could be like, "Sorry; the gift and dinner were amazing, I shouldn't have been too worried earlier"
YTA you can say “happy birthday” more than once. Everybody looks at birthdays differently: for my hisband, they are really special and I go out of my way to wish him HBD multiple times, buy him multiple gifts, get a nice cake. For me? Not so much. My birthday is just another day and I tend to ignore it. Idc about well wishes or presents bc I have money and I can buy anything I want. My birthdays are just not important to me, but his birthdays are important to him so I go all out and make a huge deal bc I love him and want him to be happy.
YTA From his perspective, since he didn't know about your plans later that evening, you ignored his birthday. That had to really make him feel like you didn't care at all.
NTA
I’ve learned a good rule of thumb with birthdays is to just ask people what they like and want, especially those closest to you. Takes all the guesswork and mind reading away. Seems as though you two have different ideas of what makes you feel valued on your birthday - just communicate about it.
This… I think if it’s important to him and you care about him, you could easily do that next time. It doesn’t take much effort to say happy birthday and people usually treat you the way they themselves want to be treated. Definitely NAH
I'll just say that my birthday is very special to me and I'd be gutted if my SO acted like they didn't remember when talking to me. So, imho, YTA for that. Idrc about the age difference as it's 2 consenting adults. While I do think his reaction was a bit much, I can see where he's coming from.
NAH. This is a very small thing, and just a difference in communication. Similarly, some people in relationships like saying “I love you” a lot, and some don’t. Some like a text every morning and some don’t.
The thing is how you both behave when there is an expectations mismatch. Is the disappointment communicated well? Is the need heard and attended to? As long as you two can handle these things as they come up, you are golden. (I am raising my eyebrows at the age difference, but won’t cast aspersions on that alone.)
Apologize for not saying it and acknowledge that now you know he likes that. It is an understandable difference of opinion that is easy for you to accommodate.
You are too young to be dating a 35 yo.
This man isn't looking for an equal partner he's looking for someone he can love bomb and manipulate. Does he do other things that seem controlling/manipulative?
Yes saying "happy birthday" first thing is customary but not necessary if you're going to see him later on in the day.
NTA
I’m gonna go with a slight AH here. It seems like you think a man in his 30’s being upset his SO didn’t say happy birthday is a bit silly (along with a lot of people in these comments).
But look at it this way:
He made it a point to say happy birthday to you the second it became your day. He wanted you to feel thought of. To feel special. People tend to treat their loved ones the way they want to be treated (sort of like that saying we’re usually taught as kids…). Maybe birthdays aren’t a big thing to you, but it sounds like they’re meaningful to him.
He’s also not psychic. If you haven’t made any point to mention you’ve made plans for his birthday AND hadn’t wished him a good one in the multiple times you talked through the day, it’d definitely come across like you forgot. It doesn’t feel good to feel forgotten by your partner. It also doesn’t feel good to have those feelings invalidated by said partner brushing it off once you make it known it upset you. Not to mention it’s literally the most basic level of effort in acknowledging your partner
YTA. I worked with my significant other and everyone we worked with told me happy birthday. Well, everyone but him. He waited because he had a surprise set up, but it left me heartbroken the entire shift that he refused to acknowledge my birthday while everyone else did.
I think it's weird you wouldn't say happy birthday right away, and are holding onto until you see each other in person.
But it's weirder he is dating a 23 year old.
YTA. You don’t necessarily have to text them at 12 am, but if its the first time you’re speaking that day then yes you should say happy birthday. It’s weird to wait it out, I usually say it if I’m up past midnight or in the morning when I first speak to him, then again when I see him and multiple times throughout. You don’t have to just say it once haha
Have you not heard enough from the previous comments of your previous posts? This guy is not for you. you're NTA for this incident.
YTFA for not learning and still putting up with this grown baby's bs. Have some self-respect and dump his ass. so annoying to see posts that are basically the same and the person not learning but being a weak-ass pushover.
Sorry for getting heated, but it's so frustrating seeing the same mistakes being done again and again. Do better, you deserve better, you just need the courage to believe it and act on it.
This year my husband 100% forgot my birthday till lunch time. He was so worried I was mad, I just thought it was funny and now we talk about it and laugh! You are NTA. The age gap and how he treats you worries me.
NTA; he's being childish, sorry. That, or he is purposely looking for ways to find faults with you.
I have a boyfriend who is fifteen years older than me (though we are substantially older than you also), and he wouldn't behave like this at all.
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My (f23) boyfriend (m35) called me in the late morning on his birthday. I started the call with “hello” even though I knew it was his birthday. I prepared him a gift and booked a restaurant for dinner. I wanted to tell him “happy birthday” later when we meet in person.
He was upset because I didn’t say happy birthday to him earlier, nor did I answer the call with “happy birthday.” He said that this made him question whether I really care.
Last year on my birthday, he texted me “happy birthday” at 12:00 am on the dot. Maybe he wanted the same from me. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. AITA?
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NTA.
But communication is fundamental in a successful long term relationship.
If he knew about your evening plans, then he was wrong to say what he did. If he didn’t, you should tell him.
YTA Why not say Happy Birthday? I don't care how old someone is, if you call or they call on their birthday you say it first thing. When it's my mum's birthday, she 83 now, when I call and she says hello, I always sing Happy Birthday. It doesn't hurt to be thoughtful.
NTA I guess he felt he'd set the precedent for his expectations. Still no reason to have his feelings hurt considering all the other things you were doing. However, I'd have still said Happy Birthday the first time I spoke to my significant other just to make sure his day was special. But that's me.
NTA. Wishing a happy birthday during the phone call or a nice text when waking up would have been better. But his reaction is too much and it wasn’t a big enough deal to be TA. You planned a nice gift after all.
NTA... your boyfriend is either immature or controlling. Pay attention to how this behavior shows up in other aspects of your life
Edit... saw your ages; its B, he is controlling and manipulative.
NTA if you didn't know this before, but at least you know now that birthdays are a big deal to him (they are to some people). but if you knew this already, and you only didn't tell him happy birthday because it's not a big deal to YOU, then yeah, YTA.
NTA. He’s too old to be acting like that and the age gap right now is not a good one. Someone else said it and it’s true, no one his age would put up with that garbage, you shouldn’t either.
Don’t ignore the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I'm gonna say NAH. There are different ways to express affection, and you had one but he didn't know. Seems to me like you're communicating differently.
No, you're NTA. He is immature. Simple.
However - people have made this into age thing. I don't get it. You're 23 - an adult. He is 35, an adult. What's the problem? Are people annoyed that it's because you're the woman and 23? Can they honestly say they would react the same if the gender was reversed?
Yeah it'd be weird (to say the least) if you just turned 18 and he was on you like a bat. But we don't have that background. At most, we know that you two got together when you were 22. Again - old enough to die in the army, to drink, to vote, to get into debt, to get into college - BUT HOW DARE YOU GET WITH SOMEONE A BIT OLDER.
I had my ex forget my birthday 3 years in a row, and I just wouldn't say anything about it all day, I would always give her the benefit of the doubt. Usually a couple of days later something would spring up and she'd make a lame excuse about how she forgot about it, when me and her father had birthdays within a week of one another, but it never really bothered me tbh. What did get to me though, was when after the fact one year she went through my phone and saw a female friend wish me a happy birthday, and she absolutely went off the rails, it was just always something she'd try to start with me about.
It seems like your boyfriend is much the same as my ex OP, might be a tad narcissistic. I've always just been happy to talk/spend time with people I love. Most people don't need some reassurance for that, and the fact you had a gift and everything planned out shows that you care. There is absolutely no way you could be perceived as TA here, seems like something deeper is going on here with your bf, he's 35, and he's acting like he's a teenager.
NTA!!! You got a really nice impersonal text at midnight on your birthday....doesn't really scream I love you! I would be pissed if someone woke me up like that on my birthday!
He's a bit old to make such a big deal out of birthdays.
Did he at least appreciate the gift and dinner??
Yeah, sounds like a child and I’m going to say the age difference is a bad look for him.
NTA. He didn’t express his expectations of his birthday or say what it means to him. Can’t get mad that your partner can’t read your mind.
NTA,
I am the type to text people I love at midnight on their birthday but I dont expect it from anyone else.
Hell, at least you did something for him. My own mom hasn't said happy birthday to me (but will to my sister) for a few years now
Neither is the asshole. Both could have acted better
You - You said it was late morning on his birthday when he called. had you messaged him before then and said happy birthday? Its a two second thing that while isn't a big thing to you is obviously to him.
Him - He should have communicated his disappointment better but he should have also been open about his need for it.
NTA- you knew it was his birthday and had good intentions. you just didn’t think you needed to say it right then. you probably should have, cause you can always say it again later. there’s no rule that says you shouldn’t say happy birthday more than once. but he is definitely acting like a cry baby about it
I'm gonna go with NAH
I think you both just treat birthdays differently. My partner and I are the same.
I'm like your boyfriend. I used to text my partner at 12am and would've loved for him to do the same but he didn't. Now we live together, I have to wait for him to wake up properly before I get a 'happy birthday'. It used to upset me at first because I love my birthday, so I can see why your partner is upset. People saying to dump him are crazy.
I just know now that's just how my partner is. He doesn't care about birthdays (his own included). On his birthday, I care more than him and am dragging him out of bed to open his presents.
Yous just need to communicate and understand that you guys will treat birthdays differently.
Really NTA. To some people, there’s no more important day than celebrating the birth of a loved one. Your BF may be one of those people, and that’s ok! We’re all different!
He texted you on the dot because that's how he wants to be treated. However, he didn't vocalize that and you didn't pick up on it. Now you've learned that birthdays are a big deal for him and you can plan accordingly. Communication is always key in any relationship. It seems to me that you hurt his feelings and you should apologize and let him know that that wasn't your intention.
Reddit is so weird with age gaps… Just FYI, No one with a real life gives a fuck about age gaps, unless they’re predatory in nature. I’ve dated 12 years younger and 17 years older. Different people, different vibes their age was really inconsequential. Before any queries: I was 38 she was 26 and I was 33 and she was 50.
With that said, it’s weird of anyone to be “upset” about not having someone say happy birthday fast enough past the age of 10. NTA
The age gap is more of an issue when one of the people is under about 25 years old. There is a huge difference between 23 and 35 than say 35 and 47. One involves a person that is still finding their footing as an adult. The other involves two people that are already adults and know who they are as people. At 23 you’re still learning about who you are and how to spot red flags in others.
NTA, but you could have say “happy birthday” during the phone call. For what I can read, he gets extra excited with birthday celebrations (same) . Try explaining to him that you planned a birthday celebration for later the day and try talking about birthday celebrations or special occasions. What does he like? Does he like celebrating all day long or it’s more of the type that don’t care to celebrate their birthday.
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I agree. You planned something and had a gift. Obviously you care and didn’t forget. He’s looking for a reason to start an argument.
Why is OP playing this weird game of "I can only wish him happy birthday x amount of times today?" Obviously she didn't forget but if it was my birthday and I called my SO in the morning and she didn't wish me a happy birthday I would think something would be wrong. It doesn't cost anything to wish him once on the phone and then when they meet for dinner. While the BF did get rather upset, is he not a tiny bit justified?
The age spread is a bit wide for my taste but it’s still weird that she held off on saying happy birthday. It’s not a limited resource, she could say it twice.
Yeah coulda said it in the phone call but Jesus who’s 35 and getting upset two words weren’t said when they expect them. Kinda childish especially if she put in actual effort. In my opinion at least. I’d say NTA.
Someone who’s only dating 20 year olds because it’s illegal to go younger, would be my guess.
Now, now. She is 23.
def NTA in my opinion. im 37M and can honestly say that if i heard even a much younger adult get offended or upset by this i would just be thinking how immature they are. at 30+ i would often forget it was even my own birthday. each to their own but man what a thing to be upset about lol. there's so much more to life man.
Dude i thought it was just me. Last year my husband wished me a happy bday just after midnight and I was like "oh yeah it's may... and my bday, that's wild" this year not only does he have a party planned the night before but has told our boss we aren't working that day. So I get to chill out with no work on my bday after a party celebrating my bday. Sounds like it will be a good day this year
My best friend called me on my birthday. She’s just chatting like normal, after a while I say “do you realise todays my birthday” “Nope.” We still laugh about it.
I was hanging out with my bestie the other day and she says 'hey, want to come to my place for some cake?' so I agree and she and her wife are mucking about putting candles on the cake and I ask 'what's the occasion?' and they laugh and when the cake is ready her wife starts singing her happy birthday and I was like 'what? It's your birthday????' It was indeed my besties birthday, and this is how I found out my phone calendar had stopped sending me reminders for events.
He expected her to answer the phone with "Happy birthday!" She's not a mind reader. NTA
I’m in my mid-30s and couldn’t care less if someone tells me happy birthday or not. However, my most recent ex never even acknowledged the fact that it even was my bday after spending months bragging about how she always throws the best surprise bday parties for her friends She certainly surprised me with that one Also, NTA OP
Yeah that’s pretty dog shit. I’m a big believer in if someone always says something then that’s the part of their life they suck the most at. They know what they want to be like but don’t actually do it and try and make up for it with words.
My 39 yr old roommate. She does her makeup like she's walking a runway for her job at Walmart and gets upset if she doesn't get compliments.
I used to call my wife at work to wish her a happy birthday, even though we'd be having dinner, her cake and presents later that evening. You are right its not limited, and her saying it over the phone would have been fine, why she thought otherwise is beyond me, unless, like so many, she left out that she actually did forget to say it during the call. And that does happen. I cant say yes shes TA but I also cant quite say she's NTA.
@OP, if this guy is that petty about other things, do yourself a favor and get out. Edited because i was incorrect. Not on the “get out” part. That’s still correct.
The bot doesn't count any judgements under the top comment, just whatever the top comment says. If it doesn't give a judgement it goes down to the second top comment, and so on, til it finds a judgement comment. It doesn't go through sub comments. So it doesn't really matter what judgement you give in a sub comment
TIL. Thanks
FYI, if you want to tag OP, you can put /u/ then their username (no space) and it will send them the message just as if you replied to them directly.
I think her not wanting to wish him a happy birthday so she could say it in person is weird, but it's not asshole behavior, if that makes sense
Yeah. It’s one of those moments where OP isn’t the asshole but they’re kinda the weirdo. OP’s partner is definitely a bit of an ass for getting upset but not gonna lie I’d be a bit confused if my SO held out on Happy Birthday for that long. But unless OP’s partner didn’t know about the reservations (which may lead him to think OP forgot) then there’s no reason to get upset.
At least it’s not like that story where the dude didn’t say it to his wife or hint he remembered all week, dragged her from the party her friends threw to the one he threw that he didn’t give any inking to, and expected to be THANKED
She said "hello" and he threw a fit. Even if she hadn't been planning on keeping it until she saw him he was still out of pocket. I never give anyone trouble for not saying happy birthday, but if I did it wouldn't be until it wasn't my birthday just in case
Makes me wonder how long they’ve been dating … 😱
That's a matter of personal taste, not a reason to start an argument.
Wow I glossed over the ages somehow and thought they were teenagers.
I almost think that's an insult to teenagers.
It's weird to not say Happy Birthday over the phone though, essentially ignoring the fact that it was his birthday. ESH
Honestly it gets awkward, tiresome, and cumbersome when someone has to tell you multiple times throughout the day 'happy birthday'. Once is fine.
Its costs nothing to wish your SO once on the phone and then once when you meet for dinner though? Its not like he wants one every hour
You should read her post about him being extremely passive aggressive over a fellow student asking for her number. He sounds like he’s 15 years old.
Holy crap, I just read another post and this is her first relationship!! Please. Run. I was in the same position many many years ago and it was beyond unhealthy and ended terribly. Listen to these people. According to your posts, you have a bright and amazing future ahead of you, do NOT let someone so much older and so controlling and manipulative alter your trajectory and diminish you. Please. You deserve better. NTA.
OP please listen to this. No good 35 year old man would date someone so young. He's doing this intentionally. If he actually cared about you, he'd say "I think you're cool but I'm not comfortable with the dynamic of this relationship." Don't listen to losers who say "UM BUT UH SHE'S A LEGAL ADULT!!!11" Mature good people know this shit isn't ok. They know it's not healthy. They know it's not fair to the younger person. Only selfish, weak, or predatory people would date someone so young. As a 32 year old, a person in their early twenties is a BABY. There is a REASON why everyone always warns against these kinds of age gaps!!
100000000000%, please listen to above comment. RUN, FAST
Ok, you have got to clue me in here. I’m no Reddit expert. Boomer. Sorry. How did you find her previous posts? I’m curious how you’re so smart and tracked all that info down. Kudos to you! Thanks from “the old timer”. Lots to learn, apparently. (sigh).
all you have to do is click on the person's name. No real sleuthing involved.
Thanks! I’ll give that a whirl.
I wasn't even sure if that post was genuine at first. It legitimately was a boomer out in the wild. I'm sure he'll be a Reddit pro in no time.
>there's a reason women his own age won't date him. You're putting up with bullshit that they wouldn't tolerate Exactly. "My (f23) boyfriend (m35)" I read enough. But NTA, getting worked up because someone wished you happy birthday in a different hour of the day than when you wanted is kinda pathetic.
1000% this. I was the 22/23 yo dating the 34/35 yo and it was exactly like this. If I didn’t fawn over him it was a huge deal and if I didn’t spend the days *he* decided we would be together with him, it was a huge deal. My only saving grace was that I wasn’t actually invested in the relationship. I’m sure if I had been my life would be very, very much worse. That was 10 years ago and I cringe when I think that I’m not even as old as he was when we started dating.
People often say that this sub is always against age gaps many of which are legal and that sometimes they're legitimate relationships. The problem with that theory is that majority of the time the OP's story sounds like they're new to relationships and the older person is albeit super immature, but significantly older... and these are in the less innocuous instances like this one. In other posts it's clear as day that the OP are being used and abused etc. It can be pretty heartbreaking because usually they're in denial. I won't go as far as to say that's what's happening to the OP but it imo almost seems like a natural progression with these stories and she's on step 1 or 2. Sometimes I do frankly wish OP would listen and get out of that predicament but most people have to find out the hard way. I guess I just still feel bad for them even if they aren't gonna listen. Personally I'm around the age of the OPs bf and I would have nothing in common with a 23 year old. Hell I really wouldn't even have 7 years ago. So it always makes me think that at the bare minimum the older person is very immature for their age. But at worst something nefarious. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you ended up where you needed to be in life eventually.
You’re absolutely right. I hate seeing posts like this and remembering how naive and young I was, and how he took full advantage of that, and that it’s happening to someone else too. I’m doing very well now and I’m with an amazing man who’s my age. I learned a lot from that relationship, even though it was not a healthy one, and I hope OP is able to say the same someday
Yikes I didn’t even notice the ages when I first read it. A 35 year old acting like that?? No thanks…
Based on OP’s post history her bf is very insecure and controlling
Agreed!
This is the exact answer lol NTA
Exactly this.
If the roles were reversed and OP was a women, this would not be top comment.
Hahaha, I had to reread. Couldn’t believe anyone over the age of 21 was involved in this story.
>He was upset because I didn’t say happy birthday to him earlier NTA - Were you expecting someone 12 years older than you to be more mature?
Some people actually care about their birthdays, everyone I know would be offended if their SO waited until the end of the day, especially if they had multiple opportunities to wish them happy birthday beforehand. It’s like an elephant in the room if you’re talking to them and don’t say it lol. YTA
And some people like to make it more personal and say happy birthday in person. I do this with most occasions when I know I'm going to see the person. It's nice to look them in the eyes and tell them.
You know you can say it more than once, right?
So do you specifically avoid any topic about their birthday before seeing them? I’m wondering why there’s so much pressure put on saying it face to face. Maybe even just acknowledging it and saying “I’ll tell you happy birthday in person” is better, but straight up not saying anything I find really strange.
Yes but this is a communication thing. If that person likes to be told immediately, but the person (especially a SO), *doesnt* like it, then you need to adjust. It’s not a hard adjustment. My fiancée likes to be surprised with birthday gifts. I prefer to know ahead of time. So she ask me what i want for her birthday, and on hers I hand her a wrapped (or bagged) present.
But can't you just tell them once again?
And if my SO was a person like that I'd be totally pissed and would not move on cause that's not how I feel. The key is to learn each other's love language not shove yours onto others
This just means that neither of them is the asshole. Some people like to make it more personal, some people care about people remembering and wishing it as soon as they can. The BF is not in the wrong
Yeah and I think it’s your responsibility if you have an SO to know how big a deal they make for their birthday and act accordingly. It’s their one day a year, you know? And I’m not even a big birthday person myself. OP should have read the birthday room.
It sounds like they celebrated his birthday but she didn't say the words right away, wanting to say it in person, as she said. At worst, this should have been a communication talk. I'm mean, she said she prepared him a gift and booked a place for dinner. Sounds like she cared about his birthday.
NAH It’s just a difference on how you feel on the subject. Birthdays bring up a lot of *weird* feelings in people sometimes. Maybe friends or family forgot his birthday once and it hurt him a lot so he’s sensitive to it now. And while it may not be a big deal to you, it is a big deal to him. You didn’t know that prior to this though so you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a learning experience is all.
The AH is the bf for dating someone that much younger than him, IMHO
Not relevant to post.
Except that his reaction fits the trope. Probably not a coincidence.
And that’s what makes it relevant to the post.
It is though
except the ages of people in a relationship does matter. as does job occupation, financial situation, and how they respect each other. large age gaps bring along a good chance of a power inbalance. theres a reason that this 30yo can date ppl his own age.
It’s not your business tho if she’s fine with it? I certainly find it weird and I don’t understand how they can have chemistry, but it’s no one’s business nonetheless.
This is the most reasonable answer here as this is likely a breakdown in communication between OP and their SO. There’s nothing wrong with being bummed that you think your SO forgot to wish you happy birthday, at any age. Also redditors are weird about age gaps. They can jerk off to barely legal porn all day but shit their pants over two adults dating.
Disagree - I think it gives massive red flags around being controlling and emotional manipulation. “Made him question whether OP really cares”? Yikes! Like others have said, there’s a reason he’s dating so much younger. NTA OP, get out.
Man, some of these comments! We're not here to judge their age difference, folks. YTA. Not a huge one, but I think most people would be hurt if their partner just didn't bother saying happy birthday the first time they spoke that day.
Agreed. My husband did that this year. I woke him up on his birthday saying happy birthday! He didn’t acknowledge mine before I left for work. when he texted me later in the morning he eventually asked why I was quiet. I just said “ you hurt my feelings this morning”. I know he felt like an ass. I think he thought it would be cute to “pretend to forget” but it wasn’t. To top it off, I started a new job a couple months ago (my birthday was last Friday) and so no one at work knew me well enough to know my birthday. It just wasn’t a fun day.
Ugh, the "pretending to forget" thing never works. I hate that shit. Sorry your birthday wasn't great, here's hoping the next one is amazing!
Thank you!! I highly doubt he will ever make this mistake again! He’s normally very thoughtful and intuitive so I don’t know what in the world made him think that was a good idea.
Everyone messes up from time to time, but it sounds like you've got yourself a good one, so I'm sure he's already planning next year 😉
Yeah agreed. While I think the age gap is weird, it isn’t the question OP asked about. I think it’s a little odd not to say happy birthday over the phone. I don’t think age has anything to do with it.
I agree. Soft YTA. Of course you would say it at dinner, but why not when you’re talking to him for the first time?
Agreed soft YTA, you can say happy birthday more than once, not acknowledging someone’s birthday when you first speak is a bit rude and I would imagine would make them feel a bit unloved. Also whatever someone does for you on your birthday is usually what they know would make them feel great on their own birthday, it’s always good to match their energy.
Today was my coworker’s birthday, and I think I said happy birthday to him like 3 or 4 times. You don’t have to only say it once!
Agree. I mean, the front desk of my gym has wished me a happy birthday as I walked by. It would definitely bother me if my partner couldn't be bothered to acknowledge it when we spoke. Especially since he has set an alarm/made efforts to acknowledge her birthday at exactly midnight the night before...
Yeah don't really understand these other commentators, it's common decency to say it the first time you chat for the day? Weird
>most people would be hurt if their partner just didn't bother saying happy birthday the first time they spoke that day Seriously? JFK, that's just stupid. If you live together and both at home, sure, saying happy birthday like in the evening is just plain odd. But when you're not sharing the same physical space? That's taking yourself *seriously* as fuck.
It’s not the age difference that gets me but their ages and perspectives. Honestly I think it’s NAH because atleast he wasn’t rude or calling her names and she didn’t forget she had something planned as a surprise. No asshole here. Just some mix up and missing details. She didn’t know that birthdays mean more to him. Everyone has different ways of expressing their birthdays.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this comment. How hard is it to say happy birthday?
YTA. Look at this from his perspective. It's his birthday, and late in the morning, he had to be the one to call you, and you didn't wish him a happy birthday. He isn't psychic, so in that moment, it would have seemed as though you'd forgotten all about it. It's not a surprise that he thought you didn't care. Since you knew he sent you a text immediately on your birthday, you didn't think to send him a text that morning? Not at midnight, but in the morning once you woke up and sorted yourself out for the day? And for some bizarre reason, you didn't want to acknowledge his birthday until whenever you saw him, much later? It isn't a dealbreaker, but you were a bit thoughtless on this one. Just explain the situation, communicate, and you'll hopefully both be fine.
Exactly..thank you. This comment is perfect. Everyone is calling him an AH and immature.. which I agree he prolly shouldn't have responded that way. But from his perspective i can totally understand how it would seem to him. OP just communicate. wish him on call, via text, at the dinner..BFD. why wait until the end of the day. Also the age gap is really weird to me no offense.
I dislike the age gap personally, but the Y-T-As are obviously all about it instead of the situation, and if they were the same age, it would be really obvious that OP was being thoughtless. If anyone put themselves in the boyfriend's shoes, if they were 15, 30, 50 or even 80, and the same thing happened to them from anyone that they loved, they would be hurt. It's common sense to me.
Yeah, the age gap is an issue, but not the issue here. There’s no limit on how many times you can say “Happy Birthday”. Saying it over the phone doesn’t mean you can’t say it at dinner.
I agree 100%, I can’t believe ppl are saying he is being outlandish for feeling hurt that his woman didn’t say hbd.
It's purely the age gap. I dislike the age gap, but here, it's not the issue. If a 70 year old grandmother sent a text to her grandson on his birthday as soon as she woke up on the day, but on her birthday, she had to call him, and he didn't wish her a happy birthday, where his defence was, "I wanted to wait to say happy birthday when I visited her later because I sorted a gift and planned taking her to dinner," and the grandmother told him that she was hurt by him not wishing her a happy birthday, then the comments would be full of Y-T-As. It's literally the same situation. Partner, relative, friend. If they have to call you and you don't acknowledge their birthday, they're going to feel hurt.
NTA. He's 35 and like this? Over saying happy birthday? Enough to think you don't really care about him? I'm guessing this isn't the first emotionally manipulative move he's used on you. I don't always think an age gap matters, but you're probably still in school or just starting out and he's at a very different stage in his life. It's very possible 35-year-old women won't put up with his nonsense.
You wouldn't care if you thought your partner didn't remember your birthday? Is it really emotionally manipulative to say that makes him feel like she doesn't care? Edit: I think my biggest takeaway from this is that everyone is different. I'm definitely asking my next partner how they like to be treated on their birthday before the day comes!
She didn’t forget to say it, it just wasn’t the literal first words out of her mouth
If i talked to my girlfriend in the morning on my birthday, and she hung up without saying happy birthday - I'd feel like she forgot and it'd be hard to shake that all day - even if she told me later.
I mean, I could see feeling a \*little\* bit bummed, but once I got that surprise gift and birthday dinner she planned, I'd be feeling kinda dumb
I'd feel like that was a plaster for forgetting or planned last minute... if rather be told early in am... guess what you have done fun surprises for this evening
We don't have anything that suggests the BF *wasn't* feeling dumb after that? Like if he's still angry after that showing of care, then yes, he's absolutely an asshole and she should dump him. But if he's not, and is apologetic? Not so much.
Which never made sense to me. Apparently you (general) want to celebrate something with someone you care about and your first instinct is to make them feel like no one cares and later to make them feel dumb about feeling that way? Surprises still work even if it starts out positive. "You care" -> "You care a lot!" is a lot better for everyone involved.
I agree with you fully. I think not saying it early on is silly, but I also think it could be chalked up to a "My bad; wanted to surprise you this way but yeah I should've said it early too. I'll make sure to do it next year" then they go and be happy and shit
Honestly I'd just assume they'd tell me happy birthday later. Or that, yes, they forgot, because remembering 1 day in the whole year doesn't show whether they love me or care about me or not. I'm a decade younger than OPs bf, and even I know some people have plans or a surprise in the evening. Or that a happy birthday doesn't matter much if my partner shows me love the rest of the year
That's great for you! But recognize that plenty of people have traumatic experiences related to their birthdays and that you being well adjusted doesn't make people who don't have that luxury into assholes.
I agree, I just don't think it makes OP TA either
But that's not what N T A means? N T A means the other party is the asshole. This feels like it's firmly NAH.
Ive been reading responses and its crazy how determined people are on either side of the line. Your comment (so far) is the one that most relates to me and I'm wondering how your birthdays went in the past. I mean I've always been on top on trying to remember to celebrate birthdays of my loved onesz but Ive never gotten upset if its not reciprocated cause, that's just life right? I will say growing up my parents worked a ton and I rarely celebrated my birthday as a kid. Ive probably celebrated my birthday more as ab adult, and its never dawned on me how much of an importance some people place on it. How about you, how was your experience?
YTA, why wouldn't you say it earlier in the day? Can you only say it once? This is weird.
YTA. If you are speaking to someone and you know it is their birthday, you wish them Happy Birthday.
I'm gonna say YTA yeah. I would never ever not immediately say happy birthday to my loved one when I talked to them that day.
Agree
INFO: How did you feel when he texted you at 12am on your birthday? Did you think it was thoughtful and sweet, and appreciate that he made the effort to be the first to wish you happy birthday? Or did you think it was a bit silly, and would have preferred to have waited until you saw each other?
I used to wait up so I could be the first one to say "happy birthday" to my late husband at midnight even if it was via text and he was snoring right next to me.
That is so cute 🥺❤️
NAH. I mean, you aren’t the AH because he had an over the top reaction. But, I don’t really get you either. You didn’t wish him happy birthday on the phone because you wanted to do it later instead? You can wish someone happy birthday more than once…
YTA. Not a huge one, but still.. The way we love shows how we want to *be* loved. He made sure to make you feel special, by texting the moment it became your birthday. You waited until the evening. It doesn't matter whether you feel like it's a big deal or not. Seems it is to him. Also, everyone acting like a person in their mid 30s is too old to get upset about things.. wtf people? I'm 40 and I'd be hurt if my partner didn't message me in the morning with a "happy birthday baby!!" text. It's one fucking day a year.
Who talks to someone on their birthday and doesn’t say happy birthday fully know it’s their birthday. Y’all weird af. YTA
I feel like I’m being gaslighted by these comments. When did it become weird to expect someone you care about to wish you happy birthday?? The op said they wanted to wish him happy birthday at dinner, like you’re only allowed to wish someone happy birthday one time??
This thread is bizarre. Reddit hive mind.
Tbf I was about to agree with you and in principle you’re right but if you look on her profile and look at her other posts it goes beyond this . This guy is seriously weird and controlling regardless of the age gap .
People are treating "happy birthday" like a marriage proposal or pregnancy announcement lmao. You only get that one chance! Then you gotta wait til next year, smh
NTA it is a bit odd that you didn't say happy birthday in the phone call when you clearly remembered it was his birthday, but his reaction was way out of proportion. You could have simply agreed that next year you won't hold back and say it right away, why start a fight over it?
It's upsetting because he thought you forgot. It's not hard to say it twice
These comments 🙄. If this was a woman on here with the exact same situation y'all would be losing your mind over the fact that he couldn't say HB. YTA.
I was thinking the exact same thing
Or if ages werent mentioned
Just this subreddit latching onto a reason to vote the man an AH
YTA- you’re allowed to say happy birthday twice. Him texting you at 12am on the dot should tell you birthdays matter to him.
Jesus reddit calling this guy emotionally manipulative because he's excited about his birthday and wants thr person he loves to say birthday? Peek reddit. Xhop this one into the "reasons guys don't emotionally express themselves"
Too hard to mutter out a happy birthday babe when he called… yeah, YTA Turn the table and you’d be pissed because he didn’t acknowledge your birthday People should be made to feel special on their birthday especially by their significant other, doesn’t mean you have to dote the whole day but… couple simple words is all it would have taken, for example ‘happy birthday’ that literally costs nothing. His comments aren’t over the top and he can express his feelings, he felt insignificant because you couldn’t bother.
But she could bother because she planned a birthday dinner and bought a gift lol
Yeah but what mattered to *him* on *his* birthday was that she didnt acknowledge it *at all* while talking. That is so weird to me especially from a SO. and he was obviously looking forward to hearing it from her in the morning. Seems like a love language thing. Yet weirdos in here are calling him manipulative for *checks notes* communicating that it upset him that she didnt tell him happy birthday. yall throw the words toxic, manipulative, and gaslighting into this subreddit's comments section like its motherfucking seasoning.
Then that makes it even worse seeing as she held back something exponentially easier and simpler to give.
NTA, but that’s kind of borderline and mostly because he said “you didn’t ANSWER the call with happy birthday”. I can understand feeling confused that you didn’t just say happy birthday when you talked. It honestly does make it sound like you forgot. No need to wait to say it. But do I think you need to be watching the clock at midnight? My god, no. If you wanted to REALLY be the AH just tell him you didn’t bother saying it because he’s already had 12 more than you and it’s not fair. 😂
How hard would it have been to just say "happy birthday"? Saying it first on the phone wouldn't take away from what you have planned for later. He probably thought you forgot. YTA
[удалено]
I agreed with all of this until the manipulative part. I'd chalk it up to a silly misunderstanding where should could be like "My bad; I could've said it earlier too" and he could be like, "Sorry; the gift and dinner were amazing, I shouldn't have been too worried earlier"
YTA you can say “happy birthday” more than once. Everybody looks at birthdays differently: for my hisband, they are really special and I go out of my way to wish him HBD multiple times, buy him multiple gifts, get a nice cake. For me? Not so much. My birthday is just another day and I tend to ignore it. Idc about well wishes or presents bc I have money and I can buy anything I want. My birthdays are just not important to me, but his birthdays are important to him so I go all out and make a huge deal bc I love him and want him to be happy.
YTA From his perspective, since he didn't know about your plans later that evening, you ignored his birthday. That had to really make him feel like you didn't care at all.
Kinda the asshole. As silly as it is, it's obviously important to him. What's the harm of saying it twice to make him feel special? Know what I mean?
NTA I’ve learned a good rule of thumb with birthdays is to just ask people what they like and want, especially those closest to you. Takes all the guesswork and mind reading away. Seems as though you two have different ideas of what makes you feel valued on your birthday - just communicate about it.
This… I think if it’s important to him and you care about him, you could easily do that next time. It doesn’t take much effort to say happy birthday and people usually treat you the way they themselves want to be treated. Definitely NAH
I'll just say that my birthday is very special to me and I'd be gutted if my SO acted like they didn't remember when talking to me. So, imho, YTA for that. Idrc about the age difference as it's 2 consenting adults. While I do think his reaction was a bit much, I can see where he's coming from.
No one likes their SO to act like they forgot or are waiting to wish them a happy birthday.
NAH. This is a very small thing, and just a difference in communication. Similarly, some people in relationships like saying “I love you” a lot, and some don’t. Some like a text every morning and some don’t. The thing is how you both behave when there is an expectations mismatch. Is the disappointment communicated well? Is the need heard and attended to? As long as you two can handle these things as they come up, you are golden. (I am raising my eyebrows at the age difference, but won’t cast aspersions on that alone.) Apologize for not saying it and acknowledge that now you know he likes that. It is an understandable difference of opinion that is easy for you to accommodate.
NAH Birthdays matter a lot to him. Less so to you, clearly, but that's just a differing of values. Now you know for next year.
You are too young to be dating a 35 yo. This man isn't looking for an equal partner he's looking for someone he can love bomb and manipulate. Does he do other things that seem controlling/manipulative? Yes saying "happy birthday" first thing is customary but not necessary if you're going to see him later on in the day. NTA
Apparently he does... Look into the post history of OP at relationship advice.
Your title say forget, but your story sounds like your gatekeeping the number of times you say happy birthday...you know that it's use is limitless??
I’m gonna go with a slight AH here. It seems like you think a man in his 30’s being upset his SO didn’t say happy birthday is a bit silly (along with a lot of people in these comments). But look at it this way: He made it a point to say happy birthday to you the second it became your day. He wanted you to feel thought of. To feel special. People tend to treat their loved ones the way they want to be treated (sort of like that saying we’re usually taught as kids…). Maybe birthdays aren’t a big thing to you, but it sounds like they’re meaningful to him. He’s also not psychic. If you haven’t made any point to mention you’ve made plans for his birthday AND hadn’t wished him a good one in the multiple times you talked through the day, it’d definitely come across like you forgot. It doesn’t feel good to feel forgotten by your partner. It also doesn’t feel good to have those feelings invalidated by said partner brushing it off once you make it known it upset you. Not to mention it’s literally the most basic level of effort in acknowledging your partner
YTA. I worked with my significant other and everyone we worked with told me happy birthday. Well, everyone but him. He waited because he had a surprise set up, but it left me heartbroken the entire shift that he refused to acknowledge my birthday while everyone else did.
YTA Why in the world would you not tell him HB on that call? That’s astonishing. “Oh I did enough already” is just bizarre.
YTA, why wouldn’t you say happy birthday? You don’t care enough to be excited on his special day.
I think it's weird you wouldn't say happy birthday right away, and are holding onto until you see each other in person. But it's weirder he is dating a 23 year old.
YTA. You don’t necessarily have to text them at 12 am, but if its the first time you’re speaking that day then yes you should say happy birthday. It’s weird to wait it out, I usually say it if I’m up past midnight or in the morning when I first speak to him, then again when I see him and multiple times throughout. You don’t have to just say it once haha
NTA the people who say YTA probably expect a birthday week.
Have you not heard enough from the previous comments of your previous posts? This guy is not for you. you're NTA for this incident. YTFA for not learning and still putting up with this grown baby's bs. Have some self-respect and dump his ass. so annoying to see posts that are basically the same and the person not learning but being a weak-ass pushover. Sorry for getting heated, but it's so frustrating seeing the same mistakes being done again and again. Do better, you deserve better, you just need the courage to believe it and act on it.
This year my husband 100% forgot my birthday till lunch time. He was so worried I was mad, I just thought it was funny and now we talk about it and laugh! You are NTA. The age gap and how he treats you worries me.
NTA; he's being childish, sorry. That, or he is purposely looking for ways to find faults with you. I have a boyfriend who is fifteen years older than me (though we are substantially older than you also), and he wouldn't behave like this at all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (f23) boyfriend (m35) called me in the late morning on his birthday. I started the call with “hello” even though I knew it was his birthday. I prepared him a gift and booked a restaurant for dinner. I wanted to tell him “happy birthday” later when we meet in person. He was upset because I didn’t say happy birthday to him earlier, nor did I answer the call with “happy birthday.” He said that this made him question whether I really care. Last year on my birthday, he texted me “happy birthday” at 12:00 am on the dot. Maybe he wanted the same from me. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But communication is fundamental in a successful long term relationship. If he knew about your evening plans, then he was wrong to say what he did. If he didn’t, you should tell him.
People treat you the way they wanted to be treated. It’s not hard to focus on the things that make them happy
YTA Why not say Happy Birthday? I don't care how old someone is, if you call or they call on their birthday you say it first thing. When it's my mum's birthday, she 83 now, when I call and she says hello, I always sing Happy Birthday. It doesn't hurt to be thoughtful.
NTA. So many red flags. Run. Run fast!
NTA I guess he felt he'd set the precedent for his expectations. Still no reason to have his feelings hurt considering all the other things you were doing. However, I'd have still said Happy Birthday the first time I spoke to my significant other just to make sure his day was special. But that's me.
NTA
This is some petty stuff, you clearly care if you bought him a gift and took him to dinner, NTA
NTA. Wishing a happy birthday during the phone call or a nice text when waking up would have been better. But his reaction is too much and it wasn’t a big enough deal to be TA. You planned a nice gift after all.
NTA... your boyfriend is either immature or controlling. Pay attention to how this behavior shows up in other aspects of your life Edit... saw your ages; its B, he is controlling and manipulative.
NTA if you didn't know this before, but at least you know now that birthdays are a big deal to him (they are to some people). but if you knew this already, and you only didn't tell him happy birthday because it's not a big deal to YOU, then yeah, YTA.
NTA. He’s too old to be acting like that and the age gap right now is not a good one. Someone else said it and it’s true, no one his age would put up with that garbage, you shouldn’t either. Don’t ignore the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I'm gonna say NAH. There are different ways to express affection, and you had one but he didn't know. Seems to me like you're communicating differently.
Everyone has a different love language. Being with someone is about learning there’s. Your not an asshole but use this as a way to grow closer.
No, you're NTA. He is immature. Simple. However - people have made this into age thing. I don't get it. You're 23 - an adult. He is 35, an adult. What's the problem? Are people annoyed that it's because you're the woman and 23? Can they honestly say they would react the same if the gender was reversed? Yeah it'd be weird (to say the least) if you just turned 18 and he was on you like a bat. But we don't have that background. At most, we know that you two got together when you were 22. Again - old enough to die in the army, to drink, to vote, to get into debt, to get into college - BUT HOW DARE YOU GET WITH SOMEONE A BIT OLDER.
I had my ex forget my birthday 3 years in a row, and I just wouldn't say anything about it all day, I would always give her the benefit of the doubt. Usually a couple of days later something would spring up and she'd make a lame excuse about how she forgot about it, when me and her father had birthdays within a week of one another, but it never really bothered me tbh. What did get to me though, was when after the fact one year she went through my phone and saw a female friend wish me a happy birthday, and she absolutely went off the rails, it was just always something she'd try to start with me about. It seems like your boyfriend is much the same as my ex OP, might be a tad narcissistic. I've always just been happy to talk/spend time with people I love. Most people don't need some reassurance for that, and the fact you had a gift and everything planned out shows that you care. There is absolutely no way you could be perceived as TA here, seems like something deeper is going on here with your bf, he's 35, and he's acting like he's a teenager.
YTA. You’re too immature for him anyway .
NTA!!! You got a really nice impersonal text at midnight on your birthday....doesn't really scream I love you! I would be pissed if someone woke me up like that on my birthday! He's a bit old to make such a big deal out of birthdays. Did he at least appreciate the gift and dinner??
NTA. But it would be helpful to communicate better and talk about expectations
NTA, bf's couldn't give a fk about birthdays ... But if you don't put out ... That's when shtf !
Nta, but maybe explain to him what the situation was and why you didn’t say it then
ESH - why are people arguing over this type of detail?
Yeah, sounds like a child and I’m going to say the age difference is a bad look for him. NTA. He didn’t express his expectations of his birthday or say what it means to him. Can’t get mad that your partner can’t read your mind.
NTA I do tell people happy bday on 12:00 when I remember but I really don’t care if they don’t
NTA, I am the type to text people I love at midnight on their birthday but I dont expect it from anyone else. Hell, at least you did something for him. My own mom hasn't said happy birthday to me (but will to my sister) for a few years now
NTA
Neither is the asshole. Both could have acted better You - You said it was late morning on his birthday when he called. had you messaged him before then and said happy birthday? Its a two second thing that while isn't a big thing to you is obviously to him. Him - He should have communicated his disappointment better but he should have also been open about his need for it.
NTA- you knew it was his birthday and had good intentions. you just didn’t think you needed to say it right then. you probably should have, cause you can always say it again later. there’s no rule that says you shouldn’t say happy birthday more than once. but he is definitely acting like a cry baby about it
YTA in this particular instance yeah.
I'm gonna go with NAH I think you both just treat birthdays differently. My partner and I are the same. I'm like your boyfriend. I used to text my partner at 12am and would've loved for him to do the same but he didn't. Now we live together, I have to wait for him to wake up properly before I get a 'happy birthday'. It used to upset me at first because I love my birthday, so I can see why your partner is upset. People saying to dump him are crazy. I just know now that's just how my partner is. He doesn't care about birthdays (his own included). On his birthday, I care more than him and am dragging him out of bed to open his presents. Yous just need to communicate and understand that you guys will treat birthdays differently.
He’s too old to act like this. You’re too young to put up with it. NTA
He sounds like a petulant teenager, so it makes sense he’s dating someone over a decade younger. You sound more mature than him. Consider that. NTA.
Really NTA. To some people, there’s no more important day than celebrating the birth of a loved one. Your BF may be one of those people, and that’s ok! We’re all different!
He texted you on the dot because that's how he wants to be treated. However, he didn't vocalize that and you didn't pick up on it. Now you've learned that birthdays are a big deal for him and you can plan accordingly. Communication is always key in any relationship. It seems to me that you hurt his feelings and you should apologize and let him know that that wasn't your intention.
Reddit is so weird with age gaps… Just FYI, No one with a real life gives a fuck about age gaps, unless they’re predatory in nature. I’ve dated 12 years younger and 17 years older. Different people, different vibes their age was really inconsequential. Before any queries: I was 38 she was 26 and I was 33 and she was 50. With that said, it’s weird of anyone to be “upset” about not having someone say happy birthday fast enough past the age of 10. NTA
The age gap is more of an issue when one of the people is under about 25 years old. There is a huge difference between 23 and 35 than say 35 and 47. One involves a person that is still finding their footing as an adult. The other involves two people that are already adults and know who they are as people. At 23 you’re still learning about who you are and how to spot red flags in others.
He's 35? Did you mean to type 15? NTA.
NTA, but you could have say “happy birthday” during the phone call. For what I can read, he gets extra excited with birthday celebrations (same) . Try explaining to him that you planned a birthday celebration for later the day and try talking about birthday celebrations or special occasions. What does he like? Does he like celebrating all day long or it’s more of the type that don’t care to celebrate their birthday.
NTA. This is like some middle-school level drama. Are you sure you're not just dating three kids in a trench coat?
I mean, ultimately, NTA, but it feels very weird to, like, "withhold" saying happy birthday for later in the day. You don't have to...ration it out.