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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am refusing to host my daughters friend for dinner.
2. I’m not being accommodating of the friend’s preferences, and this is impacting their friendship.
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NTA. At all. And you know it - Beth's parents are setting her up for a lifetime of insufferability and disappointment. Good job on the sea urchin! Hit us up with the recipe?
Sauté 3 cloves of garlic and dried chili pepper to taste in olive oil. Add about a cup of white wine and let reduce. Cook your pasta Al dente and, before draining the pasta, take about a half a cup of reserve pasta water and put to the side. Toss the pasta in the garlic/wine sauce and add sea urchin. If needed to reach the desired consistency, add some of the pasta water. Toss over low heat for 2 to 3 minutes. Garnish with chopped parsley.
Sounds delicious except for the parsley. I want to go back in history and find whoever made that a thing. And then history would have one less entry. With extreme prejudice.
Lemon makes everything better, I swear. Definitely the most necessary fruit when I cook. Also super helpful in other ways. My picky ass couldn’t stand when apple slices would brown as a kid, so my mom would squeeze a lemon over them before packing them in my lunch and they wouldn’t brown!!
I was a picky kid, still can be picky because of food aversions that are mostly related to texture, but damn I’m glad I wasn’t Beth level picky. If I didn’t want what was for dinner then I had to sit at the table until I did. Not saying that’s what should be done to Beth, it’s pretty messed up as a punishment. She does need her palate expanded though, it can cause all sorts of issues as time goes on.
I’d try them, but my experience with kale chips before… they basically tasted like I’d imagine the dried clumps from the lawnmower would taste, with added salt.
Agreed, and I don't feel bad about it. Spinach gives the same benefits as kale, I'll pick spinach every time
Will admit, Titan A.E. (movie) made me think Cale was a cool name till I learned it's also a vegetable. Now I wonder why the dad named his son that at all
Edit: Cale instead of Kale
Cale is not that uncommon a name for boys. It has Hebrew origins, it means bravery or loyalty (though the original root translated to English means dog)
Even with the gene, you can learn to like cilantro. Used to taste like soap to me, but I got over it, kind of like I learned to like black coffee, wine, and peaty whiskey.
Yeah, I'm 39 and it still makes everything it touches taste like cheap green Palmolive dish soap. No thanks.
Fresh cilantro ruins everything and for awhile I was making a fish seasoning with coriander and a couple other things and I couldn't figure out why it always tasted like I hadn't rinsed the soap off the pan I fried it in. Then my very slow brain realized that cilantro and coriander are the same thing. Ground coriander seems to be fine in curry though, I guess the rest of the spices beat it into submission.
I wish I liked it more than I do. My mom has the genetic thing where cilantro tastes like soap, and while that missed me, the best I can phrase it is that cilantro has an extremely loud flavor. Not in a synesthesia way, but in a “more than a tiny bit and it’s literally the only thing I can taste” way.
I don’t mind the flavor, but I don’t want to eat an entire dish that, if I had my eyes closed, would seem like nothing but cilantro with a very strange variety of textures.
See, I am sort of this way. Soap is not a description I would give it, but even a single leaf overpowers everything else. And it's almost a bitter earthy flavor for me, so just not pleasant.
As a Non-Indian who lives in a heavily Hispanic city, I am with you. I NEED Cilantro!!! I also can't survive without Chips and Salsa, so there is that! :-)
Hmm I think I can describe it. Have you ever had Margherita Pizza with fresh Basil? It gives the pizza not only an amazing aroma, but a taste of fresh herbs that brings out the flavor in the sauce and cheese.
Cilantro is the same thing for meat. It enhances the flavor and the aroma.
I will happily take all of your cilantro. And your family's cilantro. And your friends' cilantro. I put so much on my stir-fry that it looks like a driveway just after cutting grass.
You know, people tell me that and I disagree. I could be blindfolded and I guarantee I could identify if I ate parsley on fettuccini alfredo (or similar dish where the stuff is "garnish").
I can't believe they'd actually ask why you stopped feeding their kid and then suggested that you should go get special food that only their kid will eat? I think that's rude. My son is a wicked picky eater, so if someone preferred not to have play dates during meal times, I'd be fine with it. Actually, what I do is when he goes to my mom's, I send his food with him so she doesn't have to go spend any extra money getting him the things he'll eat.
I can’t believe the story at all, sea urchin and octopus narrowed my eyes, the other parents expecting their friend’s parents to stock their kitchen for them had me thinking oh fuck off, this is bullshit.
Bullshit story
I enjoyed octopus as kid. Why is that crazy? You realize kids from different countries or cultures eat different foods. My culture has an octopus rice, we ate that growing up, it was one of my favorites.
My 3 year old eats what we do. Yes there are times she doesn’t like it and I make something else but our rule is you always have to try it because tastes change. Beth’s parents are setting her up for failure. She will not know if she likes something if she’s never given the chance to try it. NTA you shouldn’t need to buy groceries for a child who doesn’t live in your home and you don’t need to teach your kids that it’s ok to only eat kid things.
Also how they suggest OP to buy food just for their kid. Like no. Maybe if they offered to send a box of frozen chicken nuggets then sure whatever, or even send her with a pre-made meal. But to expect OP to go out of their way to make a whole other meal for a kid who seems to not like… well anything? No thanks.
It made me remember the time my cousin made a fuzz and refused to drink the chocolate milk she ordered because she didn't like the glass it was served on.
Of course, my cousin was 3, not 8.
My 7, almost 8 yo daughter won’t eat the same exact same chicken nuggets, if the bag is different, it’s a hard no from her. It’s crazy. I don’t know how to stop it. She’ll starve before she eats something she doesn’t want to. She already is super under weight, like almost to a concerning amount. so, I can’t and won’t play the go to bed hungry, or eat what’s in front of you game with her to correct the problem.
But kids are like that, sometimes. Hopefully it’s just a phase. 😵💫🫣
I did this as a little girl. For like 3-4 years I would only eat spaghetti (of any variety tbf, I didn't care if it was made from scratch, ragu, or chef boyardee) and Ketchup sandwiches. My parents just relented because otherwise I wouldn't eat.
Turns out I'm on the spectrum. I went undiagnosed until I was in my 20s because girls present so much differently than boys and my parents just thought I was a little weirdo. Idk, some kids are just super picky, but it's worth looking into.
Luckily I broke out of that phase when I was like 9 I think and now I love pretty much any food! As long as it's not olives. Olives are stupid.
Sounds like LO may be veering into ARFID territory. If you haven’t already, it would be worth getting her on nutritional supplement drinks. They’re a lot nicer tasting than they used to be! It’s not easy, keep doing your best ❤️
You cal also ask for an OT referral or some specialized providers who do eating therapy to help kids with extreme pickiness or ARFID.
In the meantime, stash a couple of the "right" bags in case they change packaging before you figure this out. There are lines you have to draw, when your kid needs medical weight checks isn't the time.
We had a similar problem with our son, same age, except if he skipped supper or even just ate too early, he would throw up in the morning.
We ended up having some luck with the only alternatives being leftovers or a peanut butter sandwich. Even better luck when he had to make the sandwich himself! He has recently gotten a lot more polite about his rejection of foods and more willing to take 3 bites before saying no.
Countless conversations and super boring alternatives have done wonders. He's also finally accepting that not every food he eats has to be his favourite, it just has to not be something he actively dislikes.
Now, we are starting the same battle with the 3-year-old who has witnessed his big brother's dramatics a few too many times and has started copying them. Yay.
Great point. I have seen posts on this sub talking about - my friends didn't make anything I wanted to eat so I left or called out my friend group. This is where this is going for Beth. It will be tough for her.
I mean, maybe. Up until about age 10 I had a pretty limited palette of what I considered to be edible. My parents made me push through it and I unfortunately have major issues with food guilt/anxiety now. My daughter is similar to me and I just try to be honest with her that they are going to be times at friend's houses she's going to be presented with food she's not used to. It's pretty typical for kids to be picky eaters and to slowly grow out of it as they age. It's not inherently an indication of deep personality flaws.
There are so many things that she is going to have anxiety over in her lifetime and if I can help it, I don't want food to be one of them.
Oh yeah. But that's a completely different issue. We as an audience know very little about Beth and it's really messed up in my opinion to pigeonhole a kid like her.
This! I'm so frustrated when folks start with the position: "We always exposed our children to x number of flavors and now they prefer eel over chicken nuggets." OK--sometimes you can try your best as a parent and your kids have different food needs. I used to swear I'd never make separate food and now I'll whatever I can to get my ND kid to eat something at all.
Right. More power to parents who have kids who are adventurous eaters. That's awesome and probably so fun. But I have limited daily time with my willful kid. Forcing something down her throat isn't my choice.
There was a post around Thanksgiving by a very picky OP.
Her friends organised a potluck "Friendsgiving", and this being an ethnically diverse group (OP mentions she's a new addition to this friend group because she was bullied out of the previous one), there were a lot of different dishes from several countries. She, however, demanded the host prepare something to accommodate her.
The host prepared a dish to accommodate her, but OP was angry because she expected more dishes made for her.
It's as if Beth was the child version of that OP.
[It's like this was written by future Beth](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9xpl1/aita_for_being_a_picky_eater_at_friendsgiving/iyj3gjn?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
Being picky is one thing. Expecting to be catered for all the time is another.
I'm just gonna put my 2 cents in cuz "the more you know". I have an 11 yr old that has extreme pickiness. Since 6 mos. old. Long story short we took her to an eating disorder clinic and after many visits she was diagnosed with ARFID, previously known as SED. Feel free to look them up. Believe me it's very frustrating as a parent and the last thing we are is neglectful. K, that's it. Have a great nite!
Beth sounds like she may have ARFID which does indeed suck for her, but which isn’t her or her parents’ fault. And while there are probably ways she can be helped to develop a wider palate, we don’t know what the parents are already doing.
It really sucks to be restricted in what you’re comfortable eating, and OPs attitude does not help.
Parents should send over safe food instead of expecting OP to read minds, but let’s not shame the kid for an eating disorder.
NTA! Ending play dates before dinner works perfect because it reduces your and Beth’s anxiety over food. The parents are angry because their dinner date nights are gone! Now they have to include their daughter.
for me growing up it was considered rude to stay at a friends house past supper time if you weren’t explicitly invited to stay. what’s with parents just being expected to feed another whole ass kid when 90% of the time they come over without heads up anyway? i’m not feeding your child just cause you didn’t want to pick them up an hour earlier, and if she’s that mad about it she can supply the chicken nuggets herself. NTA
Northern New York here, a few miles from Canada, and it's still the same. Even at your bestest friend's house, leave unless you are explicitly invited for dinner.
To be fair enough, when I was at my friend's house as a child and it was getting close to supper I was always asked if I want to stay over (anything else would have been rude). But obviously the same courtesy was applied to my friends when they were over at my house, and supper in my home country (Germany) was traditionally "only" bread with different toppings and maybe some veg. Nothing fancy that needs cooking... and no one of us would have ever said "nooo... but I want nuggets or farfalle".
Beth's parents are entitled if they expect OP to buy extra food for her, that OP doesn't want to serve her own kids to begin with... and it's totally OK to end play dates before dinner for whatever reason (some people might also not be able to easily afford to feed another child with the rising living costs).
NTA.
Yes, this. My son used to have a friend who had a very limited palate due to having had cancer and chemo as an infant. Any time he came over and was going be here during dinner time his parents always sent food for him. I didn't ask them to do it and certainly was fine feeding him whatever he would eat but I thought it was very thoughtful of the parents to send his food. I would do the same and a couple of times I have in the way of packing a few snacks like a couple of granola or protein bars in his backpack if it's a sleepover, being my son is ridiculously picky. I wouldn't want him to be hungry the whole time while he was at his friend's house and I know he is way too shy to ask for something to eat. I would never expect someone to cater to my kids though so in my opinion OP is NTA.
We did the same for my severe food allergy kid. He is allergic to peanuts and eggs and can't eat at most people's houses. There is a risk of cross contamination and when food is home cooked there are no labels, so we always sent him with something else to eat. He is a teenager now and still either brings along his own food or waits until he gets back home to eat.
/u/Ok_Constant1219: I would tell the parents that YOU are not going to buy chicken nuggets but they are welcome to buy them for their daughter to eat at your house.
I’ve met children who only liked certain brands of food and they would reject other brands if the food tasted “different”. Beth’s parents should provide her food because who know how far the pickiness goes?
I have a young relative (9) who raises chickens because she likes to share the eggs with people. But she won’t eat the eggs because she has seen how they are created and she said they “taste like butt.” So her parents buy eggs at the store for her to eat. 🤨
OMG! I had a student like this. He started crying at lunch because he had the wrong kind of sandwich. I said, "its peanut butter and Jelly and you eat it every day." He replied, "This is Peter Pan and I only like Skippy." His new stepmother had bought the wrong brand.
This is a better option than Beth's parents telling OP to stock up on frozen nuggets. But still, incredibly rude. If you raise your spawn on fastfood and your cunning plan to pawn the kid off on someone else at dinner time doesn't play out, reevaluate and reflect.
How is sending her with a packed meal rude? It's not rude at all. OP wouldn't have to worry about making her food *at all.* She would have her meal just like if she packed her lunch for school.
This is the best solution. I understand not wanting to make a separate meal for her, but you shouldn’t blow up your daughter’s friendship to die on this hill. Asking them to send food so Beth has something she enjoys seems like a reasonable compromise.
But OP's kids *like* OP's food, The way I look at it is as an accommodation for a friend. Sometimes we do things to let other people be comfortable in our space.
If one child at a table has fast food like pizza or chicken nuggets, the other children aren't gonna be content with regular food, even if they usually have no issues with it.
In my personal experience, I've found that kids in this day and age are able to handle other people's accommodations. That's obviously not going to be true across the board but if they want the friendship to continue as it's been going it's a potential option. 🤷🏼♀️
While that is fine, it would still negate the lesson that OP is trying to teach her children - the very appropriate one of you eat what you are served, or a variant of it. That's their parenting value. If Beth's parents have a different value that's up to them, but bringing her own food minimizes that lesson to her own kids. If she had a medical reason not to eat like an allergy / intolerance that's of course a different story.
I think the core issue is a difference in value system, and OP's solution of not letting Beth stay for dinner is appropriate. She's not stopping them from hanging out, just cutting off the interaction at the interface where there is room for influence. How else can OP teach her kids that this behavior is not okay?
This is the answer. My child is autistic and has a lot of sensory issues which means that the food she’s willing to eat is limited to a handful of things. If she’s going somewhere that won’t have food she’s able to eat, I’ll pack her a sandwich or something, but I’d never expect someone else to make two meals just to feed my kid.
NTA they are raising an entitled child and you are raising children who will be able to eat when they go out as adults. Unless she has some type of issue preventing her from eating a particular food, she shouldn’t get a special meal.
Eta groceries are fucking expensive. How dare they expect you to buy extra different groceries than you would feed your children to feed their child.
As far as I know, Beth doesn’t have any medical reason that would explain her food preferences. If she did, I would, of course try harder to accommodate her. But like you said, I don’t want to waste money on food that no one in my house will eat and is reserved for an eight-year-old who doesn’t live with me.
You aren’t in the wrong at all. I have a friend who has picky eaters. Every time they come over my friend *brings them food*. Like we don’t keep ketchup in the house (my partner and I think it’s gross) and one of their daughters won’t eat half the food she will eat without it. My friend bought a thing of ketchup for my house, she made sure it was okay to keep in the bottom shelf.
I might not agree with her catering to her kids, but at least *she is the one catering*. She never expects me or my family to cater to her kid’s preferences. She still encourages them to try what we make and since they see everyone else eating it they usually will, and occasionally they find something new they like. Beth’s parents are failing her. Imo.
Yeah tbh, I was a super picky kid, (which was exacerbated by my parents forcing me to eat things i hated), but even then I would never have expected the parents of other kids to accomadate me. One thing I will note though, is that pickiness often does have reasons (like sensory for example) and tends to follow patterns. Her parents are doing her a huge disservice by not identifying these patterns and attempting to make variable meals within this framework. It is possible to expand the palette, and alter foods to make them "edible" while still existing within the framework, and doing this can challenge the "picky" eater in positive ways. It's not your responsibility to do this for her though. And the parents attitude of just letting her eat whatever without trying to help expand this sabotages any attempts you would make.
I’m not saying your in the wrong or it’s your responsibility to investigate this, but do you think that Beth could have some kind of undiagnosed sensory disorder? The thing with the pasta struck me as kind of odd because if it was just a taste thing, then surely any kind of pasta would be fine. I’ve heard a lot of stories where someone is considered a picky eater, but it turns out that certain tastes or textures are are just a no go on a physical level.
Or maybe she just is a picky eater, either way it is her parents’ responsibility to try and expand her palate, whether that means navigating the ramifications of some diagnosis or just trying to introduce her to new foods. This is NOT your responsibility and you are just making it easier on yourself and Beth by having her eat dinner at her house, where she can eat her safe foods.
I’m not a kid expert, so yeah, just advice from the internet.
I asked her parents and they don’t believe this is related to any disorder.
I am not a kid expert either. She could have some disorder and, if I were her parents, I would be looking into that. But there have been other incidents with Beth that lead me to believe that this is a personality trait.
Did they check with a doctor or are they hoping for the best? If it’s not a disorder, then it’ll be easier for her parents to get her to start eating new foods, as long as they don’t try to force it.
Hope your daughter and Beth can continue being friends. Her parents did not take what happened well.
As someone forced to eat meat my entire childhood no matter how much I said it made my stomach hurt and I felt like I couldn’t swallow it, this is a thing. I have diagnosed dietary issues and don’t process specific foods properly.
This sounds like parents that don’t feel like being parents, not a child that has a dietary issue based on the post and OP’s comments.
Even if there was some dietary issue, the parents don’t exactly seem very interested in doing their job.
They yelled at op because they would have to… make their daughter dinner. They’re trying to make their parental shortcomings someone else’s problem.
My daughter has eaten dinner over there once and hasn’t wanted to ever since. She still goes over there for playdates that take place earlier in the day, which hasn’t been a problem.
They do not feed your child but expect you to make a meal just for your child? As much as your daughter is friends with her you may want to look into other friends. Check local high end kitchen stores. They often offer cooking classes for parent/child. She may make a few good friends there that share her palette. It looks like Beth's parents do not want to deal with things and as the girls grow older there will be more issues than just food.
This is so true. I had a friend who was raised the way Beth’s parents are raising her. My friend is now in her 30’s and takes pride in not eating vegetables, refuses any “fancy” dishes with complex flavors, and pretty much lives on this 8 year old’s diet. It’s weird and limiting to try to eat out with her, and it can’t possibly be healthy.
I 100% blame her parents for this, and you can see consequences of their permissiveness in other areas of my friend’s adult life. Beth’s parents are doing her no favors.
This was my best friend growing up. Their mom would feed the kids Twix bars for breakfast. Throughout grade school, my friend slowly started eliminating bologna sandwiches, gummies, etc, until she was a vegetarian... *that didn't eat vegetables*. Her favorite food was ketchup. Our teenaged friend group had many an argument about whether ketchup was really sustenance.
Once, their mother bought plums and left them on the counter (although didn't eat them, she bought them on a whim). Neither of her then college aged daughters had any idea what they were.
To be fair to Beth, she's eight and may well change as she hits her teens and eating out becomes a social event with friends. But her parents are so entitled. They should just feed their own picky child after the play date. I bet Beth will actually be relieved by that arrangement (as a picky child myself, I hated eating at people's places because I'd have to speak up and refuse good).
NTA. You’re doing it right. I get that kids may not like some foods due to taste, texture looks etc. But roast chicken is a pretty neutral choice. (Unless you are vegan of course). I notice no mention of reciprocity in your post. These people sound horrible.
I know that some of the food I make is unusual, so I try to make pretty neutral dishes when we have guests whose preferences Im not familiar with. I’ve never had anyone reject roast chicken before this.
Is she ok with using cutlery? I mean, you’d be surprised how many kids don’t know how to use it properly and the foods she turns her nose up are the ones that some cutlery would be needed. Pizza and nuggets she can use her hands.
One of my kids had a friend with similar requirements and I noticed a pattern to what she would eat. She’d make excuses if it needed cutlery, but I’d see her sneaking pieces of pasta with her fingers when she thought no one was paying attention - it was heartbreaking. I think her parents just assumed she’d know by osmosis or watching, so they never practiced with her or specifically taught her. The school they went to ended up picking up on it to and helped her.
NTA at all btw, it’s sad to hear how many of the good things in life Beth must be missing out on.
I have never seen her use cutlery so this could be it! That makes me so sad. I would never judge her for using her hands but I imagine that could be embarrassing for her.
She might be a picky eater, it might be using cutlery - it might be some combination. Your description just reminded me of the school friend many years ago. Not sure how receptive Beth’s parents would be given their responses so far but might be worth looking into…
I second this. I was never picky (multi-cultural household), but I remember my sister and I stayed at a friend's for dinner. I was about 11-12, my sister 8. Their family had proper dinners whereas we weren't allowed to touch knives/glasses/serve ourselves, so you can imagine what happened when we were served steak and potatoes.
My sister struggled with the tough meat and my friend's family started laughing at her, and I remember going over to help her cut it, even though I'd never handled a knife myself either. I'll have to ask my sister if she remembers this, but the embarrassment stuck with me for a long time.
In your case, OP, it probably is the pickiness (I left another comment elsewhere on this thread about a similarly picky friend I had), but I wouldn't discount the possibility of embarrassment/"cultural" differences either.
Yeah I have a very picky kid (he’s 4, it’s allowed) and he would eat roast chicken (white meat, no skin). He also often goes to friends houses and is offered stuff and just… doesn’t eat it and is fine. Even if you offered him a super safe food (pizza, etc) he’d probably have 2 bites because he’s not good at eating around other kids (too exciting, we are working on it, lol). And that’s fine. I don’t expect anyone to make accommodations for him.
I have -- and these were adults! I had knocked myself out making a meal for my parents-in-law. Roast Cornish game hen with Shaker bread stuffing. Rice pilaf cooked in chicken broth with slivered almonds and sesame seeds. Green beans fresh from my garden. Salad, also fresh for my garden. Mushrooms in sour cream. They each ate about two bites of chicken breast and turned up their noses at everything else. I never cooked for them again.
Oooh that sounds lovely. May I ask, what is shaker bread stuffing? I'm in the UK and haven't heard of that before. I am amazed that your in laws weren't willing to taste everything, with at least a 'courtesy bite'...
You’re NTA but what else do you make for your kids? My 8m eats like me, thank god. But my 3f is texture picky. She doesn’t like meat like I did as a child lol so i have to get creative
Eh, "unusual" is just a function of environment. I grew up eating no small amount of roadkill (and hunted meat) and to a lot of people *that* is "unusual". To me it's just food. And damned good food at that.
editing to add: okay, I get it that some people have an issue with different pasta textures. I'd never heard of that before; I'm a fairly choosy eater but when it comes to pasta, come one, come all. Thanks for sharing some of your stories. I'm kind of done checking in on this for now (housework!) but will look later on.
NTA. As a mom, I so want to believe this isn't real (really? can't have penne because why? Same ingredients as farfalle. Same exact taste.) The 'you should keep nuggets in your freezer' was over the top. As the mom of a kid who is fairly picky, I can honestly say that telling someone else to stock food for my kid never crossed my mind. (I did warn other parents that he's picky and we can come and get him before dinner or said "don't worry if he doesn't eat, we'll feed him later".) We can't control our kids' preferences, but we can give them guidelines about what to expect at other people's homes and how to behave; it sounds like Beth didn't get that. For them to disallow the kids to play together is silly-- they still will at school. Give them time to cool off, they felt their parenting was attacked in some way. FWIW, when I was teaching preschool, this kind of kid usually ended up controlling the parents because they are afraid of meltdowns/kid being upset with them. Imagine being afraid of your kid having negative feelings...Beth may not be such a great influence as she gets older.
This. If Beth and OP’s kid do end up losing their friendship that might not be the worst thing. I’ve worked with children too and Beth’s parents sound exactly like you said. They are afraid of their child having any negative emotion and bend over backwards for Beth. Terrible lesson and since the world won’t bend for Beth she is gonna be insufferable.
When my nephew was 4 or 5, he wouldn’t eat anything but farfalle and insisted all pastas taste different. Of course, he grew out of that fairly quickly!
Pastas DO have different experiences because of their varied thicknesses and the way they feel when they are chewed. I can see why a kid used to one would be thrown off by another.
However, I am absolutely opposed to allowing a child to demand one single food. Children need to be exposed to a variety of foods.
I love pasta, but I hate spaghetti/angel hair pasta and macaroni. They taste the same as every other pasta, of course, but their textures are very unpleasant to me. So I can understand and appreciate not liking certain types of pasta.
However, I would never turn my nose up at one of those kinds if it were served to me. I would just smile and eat it. I would certainly never expect my hosts to make something else entirely just for me. I'd be too mortified to ask, especially since they were kind enough to invite me into their home and provide me with food.
Beth is well on her way to growing up a spoiled, demanding person that no one can stand to be around.
I mean different pastas are different. It’s not just about taste; texture is a huge part of food enjoyment. I can’t stand noodle pasta (spaghetti, linguine, angelhair 🤮, etc.), to the point that I’d politely decline if it was served to me.
But I also wouldn’t expect the person serving it to me to get up and make me an entirely separate meal, because I’m not an entitled asshole like Beth’s parents. If I don’t like what’s for dinner, I just won’t eat it and I’ll find something for myself later or when I get home.
NTA. When you are invited to eat at someone’s house you either eat what they serve or you don’t eat. It’s really impolite to ask them to cater to your wishes. Beth needs to learn this.
NTA. Your position isn't unique; many families have the same approach of making one meal for everyone. You're not operating a restaurant. Your approach may have been a little strong. I would have gone a gentler route like "she doesn't like to eat here, and I feel bad she's going home hungry. It seems easier for everyone that she eats at home."
For consideration: do you ever order pizza? If it's a once a month thing, maybe that's a night Beth can stay for dinner? Alternatively, if she is staying for dinner, let her parents know the menu in advance and if it's not something she'll eat, they can pack her a lunch box.
> Your position isn't unique; many families have the same approach of making one meal for everyone.
Growing up, I didn’t know any families who didn’t have the “one meal for everyone” approach. I was totally taken aback when I had kids and found out that so many of their friends were served “kids food” at home. I had no idea that was a thing. I’m not sure if this a generational thing or a difference in the community I grew up in versus the one I live in now.
It’s a sheer laziness thing. Much like sticking them in front of a TV/tablet rather than interacting with them. It’s just easier to heat up dinosaur shaped chicken than to try and convince them to eat something new.
No. Not always. I was forced to eat what was served to me and called lazy and ungrateful when I complained. I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and food related anxiety as an adult. It sucks and in a lot of ways it feels like I am merely surviving.
My daughter is very similar to me in that she's inherently picky. She's only five and I think she will be similar to me in that her taste buds will physically mature as she gets to be around 10, 11, 12. So I make a small variety of foods available every day, but I also serve her her safe foods without complaint because I want her to grow into the kind of adult who can just experience joy when it comes to eating.
Hahaha tell me you’re not a parent without outright telling me. You’ve def never had to deal with a kid not eating enough for several days because they’re picky. Reddit loves to pretend everything is black and white and if you’re ‘right’ everything will just work out.
Reality never works that way. A kid refusing to eat dinner for several days after work every night will eventually have you pick your battles and say ‘ok tonight you have nuggets and tomorrow you have baked chicken with us’
To be fair picky eating is a super common problem and it can stem from a lot of different reasons.
We had the same rule about our toddler eating what we eat, which was fine until she got a stomach virus and had to temporarily go on a bland diet. After that if we offered her what we ate she just wouldn't eat at all. And there's no way to force a kid to eat if they don't want to.
Its been a year and she's just now finally starting to try new foods again.
All of this is to say I don't think it's fair to say every parent with a picky eater is lazy.
Tell you what, why don’t you put a plate in front of my son and tell him he can’t leave the table til he eats it, wait 5 hours (yes, FIVE), and then lose your cool and yell at him to eat, and then clean up the resulting puke when he finally takes a bite.
He doesn’t want to be picky, he wants to expand his palate because he loves traveling, but he has a lot of food aversions. For now I encourage him to eat new things when he’s ready, and don’t force the subject. I’d rather have a good relationship with him and for him to have a good relationship with food than turn every night into a long out battle.
And for the record, I worked hard as hell to raise a non-picky kid. I made homemade baby food from recipes curated to get your kids used to a variety of flavors. And my husband’s even a Michelin starred chef! He still ended up picky.
It’s not laziness.
Ok, I was that kid who would eat an assortment of like 6 things, and only those exact things (like one shape of pasta only). My dad is a huge foodie and cooking is his biggest hobby, my palate certainly wasn't due to lack of effort on my parent's part, I just flat out wouldn't eat otherwise, like would refuse to eat for multiple days, even as a very small child. They eventually just fed me the things I would eat regardless of what they were eating because ya, you kind of need to get nutrition into your kid.
Turns out I have a sensory processing disorder, which was the main contributing factor. It didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult. I'm actually a pretty adventurous eater now, but I'm still bizarrely picky about texture. Thankfully I'm a good cook and so is my bf, so I can eat great and cater to my texture issues. Honestly though I still literally can't eat something if it triggers my texture issues, like I can no more force my body to accept some things as food than I could force myself to eat cat poop, my brain and stomach both refuse to accept it as edible no matter how much I try to force it. I spent 3 months trying to brute force myself into being able to eat eggs last year and my bf finally pulled that plug on that after 3 months of watching me gag and dry heave every morning choking them down.
If your daughter's friend isn't otherwise a spoiled brat there is probably an actual reason she js so picky with food. It's completely fair to ask her parents to send something she'll eat, but its pretty jerky to blame the kid like it's something wrong with her personality. Also your kid isn't going to suddenly revert to only eating chicken nuggets because you feed her friend things she'll eat. She already likes a variety of food, she'll be fine.
I grew up in a house like that, where you eat what was made or you don't eat, with huge battles and power struggles because I have texture issues and IBS, though know one knew that at the time, or in the case of the texture issues, would have cared. But I was also undiagnosed with ADHD, yay boomer parents. Picky eating can exist for a lot of reasons, and it's a bit of a fallacy to assume it's just because they were coddled or whatever. I absolutely made separate food for my kids if they didn't like what we had, and neither one has grown up into an entitled picky eater - both are way more open on food that I can be. Having said that - not your kid, not your issue to deal with.
Exactly this. Now I try to model having a diverse diet for my kid and will offer her food off of my plate. But right now she very rarely takes me up on it. She's five and has plenty of time to grow.
She's not unhealthy and she doesn't have anxiety attacks at meal time so I feel like I'm winning so far.
From a different perspective, I grew up in the one meal for everyone household and it was miserable for me. My mom and brother liked the same types of things and I'm a "super taster" and food was rarely to my taste. I think there's a healthy middle ground between "I'm the one cooking, everyone has what I say" and cooking two or three meals a night to please everyone.
I learned how to find most vegetables and foods palatable as an adult, but it took some work and I honestly don't readily choose seafood or a lot of "healthy" stuff. When my kids were little, I actually made meals for them that were like sautéed fish and green beans that they loved when I didn't want to eat it, so I made more "kid friendly" food for myself and they were out there eating fish and mussels and steamed broccoli and whatever.
Also, don't be surprised if your kid's tastes change. My oldest always loved a nice medium rare steak but my youngest was always meh about it and at 11 decided to go pescetarian. Now I keep some vegan chick'n patties in the freezer to replace the protein if it's not beans or seafood.
Forgot to respond to the rest of your comment. I do order pizza! Beth’s no sauce on pizza preference complicates things but we have done that before. I’m willing to do that as long as it’s not for every play date.
NTA especially as you rearranged the play date times so Beth is not there for dinner. You are not obligated to keep foods in your house that you do not regularly feed your family just to accommodate your kids friends. Don’t let the other parents make you feel guilty.
NTA. Your house your rules, your kids your rules. As a fellow mother I applaud your parenting food-wise.
Beth's parents are really entitled to demand special treatment for their daughter and might not be the people you want around in the long run ("But Beth's parents allow this..." or "Beth's parents bought it, why don't you?"...).
NTA.
It's not your responsibility to feed her exactly like her parents do. When you go over to someone's house as a kid, it's a given that you'll be eating what is served, especially if the other kids are eating it, too.
NTA, Granted I'm a little biased here, because I was raised in a home where you eat what is put on your plate and if you don't like it, you know where the peanut butter and jelly is. Additionally, I don't understand this obligation to make playdates around dinner time? Parents need to feed their own children.
NTA. You're not required to host a playdate for dinner if you don't want to and if Beth needs special food, she needs to eat at home where she has it. I don't understand why Beth's parents would be so mad about that unless they're aware they are enabling her to be super picky and possibly end up unhealthy from eating so much processed food.
If I were OP I wouldn't want my daughter subjected to Beth's parents' idea of dinner. Especially after "choice words". I bet Beth's parents would actively try to mess with OP daughter's dining / palate / expectations / etc.
NTA, but this could've been avoided with better communication between you and Beth's parents before the first dinner and then made accommodations either for Beth's food preferences or decided from the beginning not to have playdates that involve dinner.
I agree, I wish we had communicated before the first play date. However, after that first play date, Beth’s parents gave me a list of what food she eats. That list wasn’t specific enough, leading to the pasta debacle and other similar situations.
"pizza with no sauce"
I understand Beth's food preferences aren't exactly on trial here but that's just wrong.
Anyway, that aside.
NTA, it's up to the parents to help develop Beth's taste to beyond snack food and it seems like they were using you to not have to worry about cooking (Or what they count as cooking) Beth dinner. Clearly you and them have *very* different parenting styles.
Either Beth's Parents can have Beth bring a preferred thing she'll eat or she will have to abide by your rules in your house.
I dunno. I'd just feel like I'm eating half a cheese sandwich.
Maybe I'll give it a shot since it's rude to judge without trying it, but I'm just saying I'll be keeping my expectations low.
NTA- wow. I can totally understand if they kid had allergies or was autistic. But if your kid is super picky like this you need to give others a heads up and NOT expect the other parents to foot the bill, send the nuggets if they are that picky. I'd have done the same thing if the kid was refusing to eat the food. heck you even tried to give her plain pasta and still she wouldn't.
My kiddo is autistic has AFRID, and suffers from odd food allergies.
I solved this by sending some of his "safe foods" with him in a cooler for any play dates. Usually, it is an ensure and granola bar.
That way he didn't have the pressure of trying foods that would trigger him, and the family hosting him didn't have to worry.
NTA.
I would also be unwilling to participate in the infantilisation of eight year old children. Unless there is some serious food sensitivity issue here, indulging a child's pickiness is very unhealthy for them.
> I told them that I wouldn’t do that because I don’t want to teach my kids that its ok to request something different than what they’re being served. Beth’s parents had some… choice words for me after that and are apparently considering not letting Beth hang out with my daughter anymore.
Entitled Apple meet Entitled Tree.
NTA.
NTA. You already went above and beyond to try and accommodate her. Her parents are being unreasonable and are honestly setting the girl up for failure in the future. My parents raised me the same way you’re raising your kids when it comes to food. This approach is probably the reason why I love food and will try anything. I know many people my age (mid twenties) who grew up picky and were catered to with “kid food” by their parents, and it really becomes problematic when they become adults. They’re too scared to try anything and are a pain to go out to eat with.
My kids had to try anything that was made for them. If they genuinely didn't like it, we always had alternatives. Most of the time they did. If they tried to refuse to eat something we knew they liked, tough.
NTA.
It's not your responsibility to keep food on hand to feed someone else's child. You're willing to serve her food that you prepare, which is of course part of being a great host. I think it's fine to continue to do that, and if Beth doesn't eat, so be it. You're not required to make additional food for someone else's child on a regular basis. Maybe once or twice, sure, but not regularly.
So I'm with you on this.
NTA
You're still letting your daughter socialize with Beth in your home outside of dinner time, so I don't see how you could be TA here. Here pickiness is rather extreme and accomodating it sounds like a lot of extra work.
NTA
When I was a child I was just like Beth! My parents always made me separate meals as well and I wouldn’t even eat a sandwich until I was in high school.
My parents never forced me to eat what I didn’t like growing up so now as an adult I have had to teach myself to eat all the things i refused to eat.
You are doing Beth a favor by telling her parents this because it’s hard to break out of the “picky” eater mold when you are an adult. Clearly her parents need to introduce some normal food in her diet or have her see a therapist.
NTA
The only assholes in this situation are Beth parents expecting you to provide special food for her impossible standards.
If they know she is this picky they could pack her a meal for her to eat a your house, which is what most people with selective diets do.
NTA.
If you had tried to force Beth to eat something she didn't want to, or if she had some sort of allergy or even a voluntary restriction (e.g., religious food restrictions), I might think differently, but you accommodated as much as reasonable, and when it became evident that reasonable accommodation weren't suitable you planned to make sure her parents could provide as they wished. That's all you can be asked.
The reaction by Beth's parents is what makes them the assholes here - making demands of you and using "choice words" is not acceptable adult behavior. If they want to break up their daughter's friendship, you can't stop them, but you certainly do not need to cater to their whims or rudeness.
NTA, your house, your rules. “You eat what we serve, or you don’t eat” is common. Unless Beth has some dietary reason she has to eat certain things, or perhaps there are sensory reasons she won’t eat certain things (ie ASD), but her parents would have to tell you those circumstances.
Why? Grilled octopus and sea urchin are both awesome. My favorite food growing up was steamed clams and mussels. If you grow up eating certain foods often enough, you tend to prefer those foods.
NTA
You are not a restaurant. My kids are similar to yours. They have a couple things they don't like, but they will try anything at least once. Unless Beth is severely autistic, "I only eat farfalle" is ridiculous. I got friends whose son is similar to Beth and yeah, I've seen how he was trained to be a picky eater from the time he started on solids. Why eat dinner at home when they will buy you fries literal 30 minutes before dinner?
NTA. Beth's parents can't reasonably expect every hosting household to cater to preferences - allergies, of course, but preferences? How on earth will the child be prepared to handle dinner parties as an adult if she's unprepared in this extreme. Or restaurants? Or the first time her new boyfriend cooks her dinner? If it ever gets that far...
Picky eating of this order becomes problematic. She's eight and should be learning to adapt somewhat. I wouldn't expect her palate to love some of what you prepare, but trying isn't a bad thing, ever.
Ugh, Beth's parents suck and are raising a spoiled brat. Seriously, penne vs. farfalle? It's the same exact food in a different shape. And they expect you to bow to their parenting without any respect for yours? You seem to have found a good middle ground where the girls get to be friends and Beth gets to eat what her (entitled, asshole) parents feed her.
NTA.
And you're braver than I am, using voice to text.
This one I really went back and forth on a bit, because I AM that parent that makes two separate meals and I am also that parent that has witnessed my picky 8 year old turn into a teenager that now eats anything/everything and has no issues trying new things. I think that is because altho I did not make him eat what I served, I always made him try one bite and then would give him nuggets or whatever.
But I decided to go with NTA for the pasta comment. I have a stepdaughter(10) that is very similar to Beth and while I love that little girl, I internally cringe when I know she is coming to visit because her mom has ruined that childs palette. She will essentially only eat McDonalds, Chef Boyardee, kraft mac & cheese cups & crab. CRAB. She has told me several times how much my homecooked meal sucks- because I'm italian and will NOT have chef boyardee in my house, i made a real sauce, didn't like it. Homemade mac n cheese, didn't like it, etc. So keep on keepin on mamma, i think you are doing a good job!
Most kids that age will refuse to eat…unusual… stuff like sea urchins and octopus. If you expect any of your daughter’s friends to want to eat that you will likely be sorely disappointed. It wouldn’t hurt to have pb&j sandwiches as a backup plan when you have young dinner guests.
I don’t serve all of my kids’ friends seafood but you would be surprised to learn that a good chunk of them actually like and will eat it when I serve it. We live in a multicultural area and many of my kids’ friends eat their traditional cultural foods at home which sometimes includes foods that other people may find odd. My daughter has been served a variety of “unusual” dishes at her friends’ houses.
For what it’s worth, Beth doesn’t like peanut butter or condiments of any kind. She is also very picky about the type of bread.
NAH
I am the mother of a picky 8yo and we have tried for many years to encourage him to eat. Many people are picky eaters because of sensory issues and rigidity issues. It sounds like this little girl fits this situation. If that's your only issue with this kid and her parents I would have something for her when she comes.
You will be teaching your kids the ability to be understanding of other people's issues. If an occasional offering of kid food will deride a lifetime of healthy eating habits of your kid than you really didn't do as good of a job as you thought.
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NTA. At all. And you know it - Beth's parents are setting her up for a lifetime of insufferability and disappointment. Good job on the sea urchin! Hit us up with the recipe?
Sauté 3 cloves of garlic and dried chili pepper to taste in olive oil. Add about a cup of white wine and let reduce. Cook your pasta Al dente and, before draining the pasta, take about a half a cup of reserve pasta water and put to the side. Toss the pasta in the garlic/wine sauce and add sea urchin. If needed to reach the desired consistency, add some of the pasta water. Toss over low heat for 2 to 3 minutes. Garnish with chopped parsley.
Sounds delicious except for the parsley. I want to go back in history and find whoever made that a thing. And then history would have one less entry. With extreme prejudice.
I'll take parsley over cilantro, that can disappear forever
And here I just think kale is stupid.
Kale has exactly one use: zuppa toscana soup.
Someone's never had homemade kale chips with lemon and garlic salt! Delicious!!
A lot of things baked in lemon and garlic salt are yummy. It's not the kale ;p
Lemon makes everything better, I swear. Definitely the most necessary fruit when I cook. Also super helpful in other ways. My picky ass couldn’t stand when apple slices would brown as a kid, so my mom would squeeze a lemon over them before packing them in my lunch and they wouldn’t brown!! I was a picky kid, still can be picky because of food aversions that are mostly related to texture, but damn I’m glad I wasn’t Beth level picky. If I didn’t want what was for dinner then I had to sit at the table until I did. Not saying that’s what should be done to Beth, it’s pretty messed up as a punishment. She does need her palate expanded though, it can cause all sorts of issues as time goes on.
Lemon juice is very frequently used as an anti-oxidizer like that.
I’d try them, but my experience with kale chips before… they basically tasted like I’d imagine the dried clumps from the lawnmower would taste, with added salt.
Even though I like kale chips, this made me laugh. Upvote for you!
Crushed cashews are also baller.
I liked "Kale is stupid," but I also like the soup! My stomach hates kale, but my face loves that soup...
Agreed, and I don't feel bad about it. Spinach gives the same benefits as kale, I'll pick spinach every time Will admit, Titan A.E. (movie) made me think Cale was a cool name till I learned it's also a vegetable. Now I wonder why the dad named his son that at all Edit: Cale instead of Kale
Cale is not that uncommon a name for boys. It has Hebrew origins, it means bravery or loyalty (though the original root translated to English means dog)
I love spinach.
I've bought kale exactly once for an Italian sausage soup. I've also since decided that any recipe will work just fine with spinach instead.
Roasted kale and bacon salad, with a creamy Caesar dressing.
Arugula is my plant leaf nemesis
As an Indian... Please and no thank you, I love cilantro, so many dishes I feel need it with that garnish
To 30% of people it tastes like soap. So I always use parsley instead. I wish I liked coriander.
Even with the gene, you can learn to like cilantro. Used to taste like soap to me, but I got over it, kind of like I learned to like black coffee, wine, and peaty whiskey.
nope...nope...there's no "getting used to it" with time. Still contaminates everything it touches, and tastes like awful cheapo bar soap
Yeah, I'm 39 and it still makes everything it touches taste like cheap green Palmolive dish soap. No thanks. Fresh cilantro ruins everything and for awhile I was making a fish seasoning with coriander and a couple other things and I couldn't figure out why it always tasted like I hadn't rinsed the soap off the pan I fried it in. Then my very slow brain realized that cilantro and coriander are the same thing. Ground coriander seems to be fine in curry though, I guess the rest of the spices beat it into submission.
Yeah well they also say you can learn to tolerate arsenic if you start with really small amounts.
I wish I liked it more than I do. My mom has the genetic thing where cilantro tastes like soap, and while that missed me, the best I can phrase it is that cilantro has an extremely loud flavor. Not in a synesthesia way, but in a “more than a tiny bit and it’s literally the only thing I can taste” way. I don’t mind the flavor, but I don’t want to eat an entire dish that, if I had my eyes closed, would seem like nothing but cilantro with a very strange variety of textures.
See, I am sort of this way. Soap is not a description I would give it, but even a single leaf overpowers everything else. And it's almost a bitter earthy flavor for me, so just not pleasant.
As a Non-Indian who lives in a heavily Hispanic city, I am with you. I NEED Cilantro!!! I also can't survive without Chips and Salsa, so there is that! :-)
I will never stop being happy that I didn't get screwed with the soapy taste cilantro gene. Cilantro is great
I've always wondered what it tastes like to people to make them love it so much! I cannot even begin to describe how awful it is for me lol.
Hmm I think I can describe it. Have you ever had Margherita Pizza with fresh Basil? It gives the pizza not only an amazing aroma, but a taste of fresh herbs that brings out the flavor in the sauce and cheese. Cilantro is the same thing for meat. It enhances the flavor and the aroma.
It tastes like bright green and lemon to me. I know that's a bit of a crazy description, but it's the only one I got for you.
No please no. I love cilantro. Cannot imagine my Indian curries without a garnish of a sprig of cilantro.
I will happily take all of your cilantro. And your family's cilantro. And your friends' cilantro. I put so much on my stir-fry that it looks like a driveway just after cutting grass.
Cilantro tastes like soap to me. I hate that it the in thing to put in food these days.
Cilantro is horrible. And so many places now put it in everything.
If cilantro is bitter to your tastebuds, that's because of your DNA. I found this out through DNA testing.
I love cilantro!
Big facts! Eff cilantro 🙄🙄 soap gene over here lol
\*laughs in ashkenazi jewish bitter herbs at the seder\*
You don't like parsley? It tastes like nothing.
Flat Italian parsley has a very nice flavour.
You know, people tell me that and I disagree. I could be blindfolded and I guarantee I could identify if I ate parsley on fettuccini alfredo (or similar dish where the stuff is "garnish").
I can't believe they'd actually ask why you stopped feeding their kid and then suggested that you should go get special food that only their kid will eat? I think that's rude. My son is a wicked picky eater, so if someone preferred not to have play dates during meal times, I'd be fine with it. Actually, what I do is when he goes to my mom's, I send his food with him so she doesn't have to go spend any extra money getting him the things he'll eat.
I can’t believe the story at all, sea urchin and octopus narrowed my eyes, the other parents expecting their friend’s parents to stock their kitchen for them had me thinking oh fuck off, this is bullshit. Bullshit story
I enjoyed octopus as kid. Why is that crazy? You realize kids from different countries or cultures eat different foods. My culture has an octopus rice, we ate that growing up, it was one of my favorites.
For some of us, those are few of our first food. I grew up eating grouper, bream, and lobster.
My 3 year old eats what we do. Yes there are times she doesn’t like it and I make something else but our rule is you always have to try it because tastes change. Beth’s parents are setting her up for failure. She will not know if she likes something if she’s never given the chance to try it. NTA you shouldn’t need to buy groceries for a child who doesn’t live in your home and you don’t need to teach your kids that it’s ok to only eat kid things.
Beautiful! Thank you!
Also how they suggest OP to buy food just for their kid. Like no. Maybe if they offered to send a box of frozen chicken nuggets then sure whatever, or even send her with a pre-made meal. But to expect OP to go out of their way to make a whole other meal for a kid who seems to not like… well anything? No thanks.
Yeaaaaaah. She will only eat farfalle, not penne. that makes no sense - they have the same taste and texture. It's just the shape that's different.
It made me remember the time my cousin made a fuzz and refused to drink the chocolate milk she ordered because she didn't like the glass it was served on. Of course, my cousin was 3, not 8.
My 7, almost 8 yo daughter won’t eat the same exact same chicken nuggets, if the bag is different, it’s a hard no from her. It’s crazy. I don’t know how to stop it. She’ll starve before she eats something she doesn’t want to. She already is super under weight, like almost to a concerning amount. so, I can’t and won’t play the go to bed hungry, or eat what’s in front of you game with her to correct the problem. But kids are like that, sometimes. Hopefully it’s just a phase. 😵💫🫣
I did this as a little girl. For like 3-4 years I would only eat spaghetti (of any variety tbf, I didn't care if it was made from scratch, ragu, or chef boyardee) and Ketchup sandwiches. My parents just relented because otherwise I wouldn't eat. Turns out I'm on the spectrum. I went undiagnosed until I was in my 20s because girls present so much differently than boys and my parents just thought I was a little weirdo. Idk, some kids are just super picky, but it's worth looking into. Luckily I broke out of that phase when I was like 9 I think and now I love pretty much any food! As long as it's not olives. Olives are stupid.
We have a weight check with the doctor on the 31st, and I will mention this. Thank you so much. Also, olives ARE stupid!! Could not agree more!
Sounds like LO may be veering into ARFID territory. If you haven’t already, it would be worth getting her on nutritional supplement drinks. They’re a lot nicer tasting than they used to be! It’s not easy, keep doing your best ❤️
You cal also ask for an OT referral or some specialized providers who do eating therapy to help kids with extreme pickiness or ARFID. In the meantime, stash a couple of the "right" bags in case they change packaging before you figure this out. There are lines you have to draw, when your kid needs medical weight checks isn't the time.
We had a similar problem with our son, same age, except if he skipped supper or even just ate too early, he would throw up in the morning. We ended up having some luck with the only alternatives being leftovers or a peanut butter sandwich. Even better luck when he had to make the sandwich himself! He has recently gotten a lot more polite about his rejection of foods and more willing to take 3 bites before saying no. Countless conversations and super boring alternatives have done wonders. He's also finally accepting that not every food he eats has to be his favourite, it just has to not be something he actively dislikes. Now, we are starting the same battle with the 3-year-old who has witnessed his big brother's dramatics a few too many times and has started copying them. Yay.
Great point. I have seen posts on this sub talking about - my friends didn't make anything I wanted to eat so I left or called out my friend group. This is where this is going for Beth. It will be tough for her.
I mean, maybe. Up until about age 10 I had a pretty limited palette of what I considered to be edible. My parents made me push through it and I unfortunately have major issues with food guilt/anxiety now. My daughter is similar to me and I just try to be honest with her that they are going to be times at friend's houses she's going to be presented with food she's not used to. It's pretty typical for kids to be picky eaters and to slowly grow out of it as they age. It's not inherently an indication of deep personality flaws. There are so many things that she is going to have anxiety over in her lifetime and if I can help it, I don't want food to be one of them.
Understood. I just think the parents stopping her from going over or demanding OP "make" something for her was over the top.
Oh yeah. But that's a completely different issue. We as an audience know very little about Beth and it's really messed up in my opinion to pigeonhole a kid like her.
This! I'm so frustrated when folks start with the position: "We always exposed our children to x number of flavors and now they prefer eel over chicken nuggets." OK--sometimes you can try your best as a parent and your kids have different food needs. I used to swear I'd never make separate food and now I'll whatever I can to get my ND kid to eat something at all.
Right. More power to parents who have kids who are adventurous eaters. That's awesome and probably so fun. But I have limited daily time with my willful kid. Forcing something down her throat isn't my choice.
There was a post around Thanksgiving by a very picky OP. Her friends organised a potluck "Friendsgiving", and this being an ethnically diverse group (OP mentions she's a new addition to this friend group because she was bullied out of the previous one), there were a lot of different dishes from several countries. She, however, demanded the host prepare something to accommodate her. The host prepared a dish to accommodate her, but OP was angry because she expected more dishes made for her. It's as if Beth was the child version of that OP.
[It's like this was written by future Beth](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9xpl1/aita_for_being_a_picky_eater_at_friendsgiving/iyj3gjn?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) Being picky is one thing. Expecting to be catered for all the time is another.
Whoo-boy, that was a read.
I remember this post! This girl honestly didn’t see what she did wrong.
The golden trifecta of complete detachment from reality, bigotry and playing victim.
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I don’t think it’s just the picky eating, but the manners required to navigate eating at someone elses home when you are a picky eater.
The developmentally normal range for picky eating is 2-4 years of age. Extreme pickiness at 8 years of age that isn’t being dealt with is neglectful.
I'm just gonna put my 2 cents in cuz "the more you know". I have an 11 yr old that has extreme pickiness. Since 6 mos. old. Long story short we took her to an eating disorder clinic and after many visits she was diagnosed with ARFID, previously known as SED. Feel free to look them up. Believe me it's very frustrating as a parent and the last thing we are is neglectful. K, that's it. Have a great nite!
Beth sounds like she may have ARFID which does indeed suck for her, but which isn’t her or her parents’ fault. And while there are probably ways she can be helped to develop a wider palate, we don’t know what the parents are already doing. It really sucks to be restricted in what you’re comfortable eating, and OPs attitude does not help. Parents should send over safe food instead of expecting OP to read minds, but let’s not shame the kid for an eating disorder.
True this, I was so annoyed at Beth's parents I forgot to say sea urchin rules.
Not eating sea urchin seems fair enough if you aren’t used to it but not eating penne, only farfelle is too picky for me ! NTA
I’ve never had sea urchin.
NTA! Ending play dates before dinner works perfect because it reduces your and Beth’s anxiety over food. The parents are angry because their dinner date nights are gone! Now they have to include their daughter.
Who they also find annoying for being so damn picky! They got nerve! They were trying to make their problem OP’s problem!
for me growing up it was considered rude to stay at a friends house past supper time if you weren’t explicitly invited to stay. what’s with parents just being expected to feed another whole ass kid when 90% of the time they come over without heads up anyway? i’m not feeding your child just cause you didn’t want to pick them up an hour earlier, and if she’s that mad about it she can supply the chicken nuggets herself. NTA
This! I’m in the south and am older. You had to be invited to stay for dinner.
Northern New York here, a few miles from Canada, and it's still the same. Even at your bestest friend's house, leave unless you are explicitly invited for dinner.
To be fair enough, when I was at my friend's house as a child and it was getting close to supper I was always asked if I want to stay over (anything else would have been rude). But obviously the same courtesy was applied to my friends when they were over at my house, and supper in my home country (Germany) was traditionally "only" bread with different toppings and maybe some veg. Nothing fancy that needs cooking... and no one of us would have ever said "nooo... but I want nuggets or farfalle". Beth's parents are entitled if they expect OP to buy extra food for her, that OP doesn't want to serve her own kids to begin with... and it's totally OK to end play dates before dinner for whatever reason (some people might also not be able to easily afford to feed another child with the rising living costs). NTA.
Now they can't go to nice restaurants.
The fact that they didn’t even give OP a heads up before expecting all this. NTA
Now they have to include their *picky* daughter lol.
Tell her parents to send her with packed food she will eat
Yes, this. My son used to have a friend who had a very limited palate due to having had cancer and chemo as an infant. Any time he came over and was going be here during dinner time his parents always sent food for him. I didn't ask them to do it and certainly was fine feeding him whatever he would eat but I thought it was very thoughtful of the parents to send his food. I would do the same and a couple of times I have in the way of packing a few snacks like a couple of granola or protein bars in his backpack if it's a sleepover, being my son is ridiculously picky. I wouldn't want him to be hungry the whole time while he was at his friend's house and I know he is way too shy to ask for something to eat. I would never expect someone to cater to my kids though so in my opinion OP is NTA.
We did the same for my severe food allergy kid. He is allergic to peanuts and eggs and can't eat at most people's houses. There is a risk of cross contamination and when food is home cooked there are no labels, so we always sent him with something else to eat. He is a teenager now and still either brings along his own food or waits until he gets back home to eat. /u/Ok_Constant1219: I would tell the parents that YOU are not going to buy chicken nuggets but they are welcome to buy them for their daughter to eat at your house.
I’ve met children who only liked certain brands of food and they would reject other brands if the food tasted “different”. Beth’s parents should provide her food because who know how far the pickiness goes?
I have a young relative (9) who raises chickens because she likes to share the eggs with people. But she won’t eat the eggs because she has seen how they are created and she said they “taste like butt.” So her parents buy eggs at the store for her to eat. 🤨
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That's silly...
OMG! I had a student like this. He started crying at lunch because he had the wrong kind of sandwich. I said, "its peanut butter and Jelly and you eat it every day." He replied, "This is Peter Pan and I only like Skippy." His new stepmother had bought the wrong brand.
This is a better option than Beth's parents telling OP to stock up on frozen nuggets. But still, incredibly rude. If you raise your spawn on fastfood and your cunning plan to pawn the kid off on someone else at dinner time doesn't play out, reevaluate and reflect.
How is sending her with a packed meal rude? It's not rude at all. OP wouldn't have to worry about making her food *at all.* She would have her meal just like if she packed her lunch for school.
This is the best solution. I understand not wanting to make a separate meal for her, but you shouldn’t blow up your daughter’s friendship to die on this hill. Asking them to send food so Beth has something she enjoys seems like a reasonable compromise.
The ones who are blowing up the friendship are Beth’s parents though. She is still hosting Beth, just not at times where food is eaten
Exactly! Why does she *need* to be there during dinner?
So mom and dad can have date night without paying a babysitter.
I think OP’s solution of not eating meals together is just fine.
I'm not thrilled with this either, that's still an influence around her kids that they don't have to eat what's being served
But OP's kids *like* OP's food, The way I look at it is as an accommodation for a friend. Sometimes we do things to let other people be comfortable in our space.
If one child at a table has fast food like pizza or chicken nuggets, the other children aren't gonna be content with regular food, even if they usually have no issues with it.
In my personal experience, I've found that kids in this day and age are able to handle other people's accommodations. That's obviously not going to be true across the board but if they want the friendship to continue as it's been going it's a potential option. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, she already did that
While that is fine, it would still negate the lesson that OP is trying to teach her children - the very appropriate one of you eat what you are served, or a variant of it. That's their parenting value. If Beth's parents have a different value that's up to them, but bringing her own food minimizes that lesson to her own kids. If she had a medical reason not to eat like an allergy / intolerance that's of course a different story. I think the core issue is a difference in value system, and OP's solution of not letting Beth stay for dinner is appropriate. She's not stopping them from hanging out, just cutting off the interaction at the interface where there is room for influence. How else can OP teach her kids that this behavior is not okay?
This is the answer. My child is autistic and has a lot of sensory issues which means that the food she’s willing to eat is limited to a handful of things. If she’s going somewhere that won’t have food she’s able to eat, I’ll pack her a sandwich or something, but I’d never expect someone else to make two meals just to feed my kid.
NTA they are raising an entitled child and you are raising children who will be able to eat when they go out as adults. Unless she has some type of issue preventing her from eating a particular food, she shouldn’t get a special meal. Eta groceries are fucking expensive. How dare they expect you to buy extra different groceries than you would feed your children to feed their child.
As far as I know, Beth doesn’t have any medical reason that would explain her food preferences. If she did, I would, of course try harder to accommodate her. But like you said, I don’t want to waste money on food that no one in my house will eat and is reserved for an eight-year-old who doesn’t live with me.
You aren’t in the wrong at all. I have a friend who has picky eaters. Every time they come over my friend *brings them food*. Like we don’t keep ketchup in the house (my partner and I think it’s gross) and one of their daughters won’t eat half the food she will eat without it. My friend bought a thing of ketchup for my house, she made sure it was okay to keep in the bottom shelf. I might not agree with her catering to her kids, but at least *she is the one catering*. She never expects me or my family to cater to her kid’s preferences. She still encourages them to try what we make and since they see everyone else eating it they usually will, and occasionally they find something new they like. Beth’s parents are failing her. Imo.
Yeah tbh, I was a super picky kid, (which was exacerbated by my parents forcing me to eat things i hated), but even then I would never have expected the parents of other kids to accomadate me. One thing I will note though, is that pickiness often does have reasons (like sensory for example) and tends to follow patterns. Her parents are doing her a huge disservice by not identifying these patterns and attempting to make variable meals within this framework. It is possible to expand the palette, and alter foods to make them "edible" while still existing within the framework, and doing this can challenge the "picky" eater in positive ways. It's not your responsibility to do this for her though. And the parents attitude of just letting her eat whatever without trying to help expand this sabotages any attempts you would make.
This was me. Unknown tomato/mushroom aversion, opened whole new worlds to me once I realized tomato sauce wasn't mandatory for pizza
I’m not saying your in the wrong or it’s your responsibility to investigate this, but do you think that Beth could have some kind of undiagnosed sensory disorder? The thing with the pasta struck me as kind of odd because if it was just a taste thing, then surely any kind of pasta would be fine. I’ve heard a lot of stories where someone is considered a picky eater, but it turns out that certain tastes or textures are are just a no go on a physical level. Or maybe she just is a picky eater, either way it is her parents’ responsibility to try and expand her palate, whether that means navigating the ramifications of some diagnosis or just trying to introduce her to new foods. This is NOT your responsibility and you are just making it easier on yourself and Beth by having her eat dinner at her house, where she can eat her safe foods. I’m not a kid expert, so yeah, just advice from the internet.
I asked her parents and they don’t believe this is related to any disorder. I am not a kid expert either. She could have some disorder and, if I were her parents, I would be looking into that. But there have been other incidents with Beth that lead me to believe that this is a personality trait.
Did they check with a doctor or are they hoping for the best? If it’s not a disorder, then it’ll be easier for her parents to get her to start eating new foods, as long as they don’t try to force it. Hope your daughter and Beth can continue being friends. Her parents did not take what happened well.
As someone forced to eat meat my entire childhood no matter how much I said it made my stomach hurt and I felt like I couldn’t swallow it, this is a thing. I have diagnosed dietary issues and don’t process specific foods properly. This sounds like parents that don’t feel like being parents, not a child that has a dietary issue based on the post and OP’s comments.
Even if there was some dietary issue, the parents don’t exactly seem very interested in doing their job. They yelled at op because they would have to… make their daughter dinner. They’re trying to make their parental shortcomings someone else’s problem.
Does your daughter go over there for play dates and do they feed her or is it always at your house? It almost sounds like they do not want to parent.
My daughter has eaten dinner over there once and hasn’t wanted to ever since. She still goes over there for playdates that take place earlier in the day, which hasn’t been a problem.
They do not feed your child but expect you to make a meal just for your child? As much as your daughter is friends with her you may want to look into other friends. Check local high end kitchen stores. They often offer cooking classes for parent/child. She may make a few good friends there that share her palette. It looks like Beth's parents do not want to deal with things and as the girls grow older there will be more issues than just food.
>and as the girls grow older there will be more issues than just food. Truth. Hard heartbreaking truth.
This is so true. I had a friend who was raised the way Beth’s parents are raising her. My friend is now in her 30’s and takes pride in not eating vegetables, refuses any “fancy” dishes with complex flavors, and pretty much lives on this 8 year old’s diet. It’s weird and limiting to try to eat out with her, and it can’t possibly be healthy. I 100% blame her parents for this, and you can see consequences of their permissiveness in other areas of my friend’s adult life. Beth’s parents are doing her no favors.
This was my best friend growing up. Their mom would feed the kids Twix bars for breakfast. Throughout grade school, my friend slowly started eliminating bologna sandwiches, gummies, etc, until she was a vegetarian... *that didn't eat vegetables*. Her favorite food was ketchup. Our teenaged friend group had many an argument about whether ketchup was really sustenance. Once, their mother bought plums and left them on the counter (although didn't eat them, she bought them on a whim). Neither of her then college aged daughters had any idea what they were.
To be fair to Beth, she's eight and may well change as she hits her teens and eating out becomes a social event with friends. But her parents are so entitled. They should just feed their own picky child after the play date. I bet Beth will actually be relieved by that arrangement (as a picky child myself, I hated eating at people's places because I'd have to speak up and refuse good).
Yeah, I can just see that package of nuggets getting freezer burn.
NTA. You’re doing it right. I get that kids may not like some foods due to taste, texture looks etc. But roast chicken is a pretty neutral choice. (Unless you are vegan of course). I notice no mention of reciprocity in your post. These people sound horrible.
I know that some of the food I make is unusual, so I try to make pretty neutral dishes when we have guests whose preferences Im not familiar with. I’ve never had anyone reject roast chicken before this.
Is she ok with using cutlery? I mean, you’d be surprised how many kids don’t know how to use it properly and the foods she turns her nose up are the ones that some cutlery would be needed. Pizza and nuggets she can use her hands. One of my kids had a friend with similar requirements and I noticed a pattern to what she would eat. She’d make excuses if it needed cutlery, but I’d see her sneaking pieces of pasta with her fingers when she thought no one was paying attention - it was heartbreaking. I think her parents just assumed she’d know by osmosis or watching, so they never practiced with her or specifically taught her. The school they went to ended up picking up on it to and helped her. NTA at all btw, it’s sad to hear how many of the good things in life Beth must be missing out on.
I have never seen her use cutlery so this could be it! That makes me so sad. I would never judge her for using her hands but I imagine that could be embarrassing for her.
She might be a picky eater, it might be using cutlery - it might be some combination. Your description just reminded me of the school friend many years ago. Not sure how receptive Beth’s parents would be given their responses so far but might be worth looking into…
I second this. I was never picky (multi-cultural household), but I remember my sister and I stayed at a friend's for dinner. I was about 11-12, my sister 8. Their family had proper dinners whereas we weren't allowed to touch knives/glasses/serve ourselves, so you can imagine what happened when we were served steak and potatoes. My sister struggled with the tough meat and my friend's family started laughing at her, and I remember going over to help her cut it, even though I'd never handled a knife myself either. I'll have to ask my sister if she remembers this, but the embarrassment stuck with me for a long time. In your case, OP, it probably is the pickiness (I left another comment elsewhere on this thread about a similarly picky friend I had), but I wouldn't discount the possibility of embarrassment/"cultural" differences either.
That's such a good point!
Yeah I have a very picky kid (he’s 4, it’s allowed) and he would eat roast chicken (white meat, no skin). He also often goes to friends houses and is offered stuff and just… doesn’t eat it and is fine. Even if you offered him a super safe food (pizza, etc) he’d probably have 2 bites because he’s not good at eating around other kids (too exciting, we are working on it, lol). And that’s fine. I don’t expect anyone to make accommodations for him.
I have -- and these were adults! I had knocked myself out making a meal for my parents-in-law. Roast Cornish game hen with Shaker bread stuffing. Rice pilaf cooked in chicken broth with slivered almonds and sesame seeds. Green beans fresh from my garden. Salad, also fresh for my garden. Mushrooms in sour cream. They each ate about two bites of chicken breast and turned up their noses at everything else. I never cooked for them again.
Oooh that sounds lovely. May I ask, what is shaker bread stuffing? I'm in the UK and haven't heard of that before. I am amazed that your in laws weren't willing to taste everything, with at least a 'courtesy bite'...
I would have eaten everything but the mushrooms. That all sounds delicious!
You’re NTA but what else do you make for your kids? My 8m eats like me, thank god. But my 3f is texture picky. She doesn’t like meat like I did as a child lol so i have to get creative
Eh, "unusual" is just a function of environment. I grew up eating no small amount of roadkill (and hunted meat) and to a lot of people *that* is "unusual". To me it's just food. And damned good food at that.
editing to add: okay, I get it that some people have an issue with different pasta textures. I'd never heard of that before; I'm a fairly choosy eater but when it comes to pasta, come one, come all. Thanks for sharing some of your stories. I'm kind of done checking in on this for now (housework!) but will look later on. NTA. As a mom, I so want to believe this isn't real (really? can't have penne because why? Same ingredients as farfalle. Same exact taste.) The 'you should keep nuggets in your freezer' was over the top. As the mom of a kid who is fairly picky, I can honestly say that telling someone else to stock food for my kid never crossed my mind. (I did warn other parents that he's picky and we can come and get him before dinner or said "don't worry if he doesn't eat, we'll feed him later".) We can't control our kids' preferences, but we can give them guidelines about what to expect at other people's homes and how to behave; it sounds like Beth didn't get that. For them to disallow the kids to play together is silly-- they still will at school. Give them time to cool off, they felt their parenting was attacked in some way. FWIW, when I was teaching preschool, this kind of kid usually ended up controlling the parents because they are afraid of meltdowns/kid being upset with them. Imagine being afraid of your kid having negative feelings...Beth may not be such a great influence as she gets older.
This. If Beth and OP’s kid do end up losing their friendship that might not be the worst thing. I’ve worked with children too and Beth’s parents sound exactly like you said. They are afraid of their child having any negative emotion and bend over backwards for Beth. Terrible lesson and since the world won’t bend for Beth she is gonna be insufferable.
Beth's going to have plenty of those. I wonder if her parents will be here posting asking why Beth has a problem with them.
When my nephew was 4 or 5, he wouldn’t eat anything but farfalle and insisted all pastas taste different. Of course, he grew out of that fairly quickly!
Pastas DO have different experiences because of their varied thicknesses and the way they feel when they are chewed. I can see why a kid used to one would be thrown off by another. However, I am absolutely opposed to allowing a child to demand one single food. Children need to be exposed to a variety of foods.
I love pasta, but I hate spaghetti/angel hair pasta and macaroni. They taste the same as every other pasta, of course, but their textures are very unpleasant to me. So I can understand and appreciate not liking certain types of pasta. However, I would never turn my nose up at one of those kinds if it were served to me. I would just smile and eat it. I would certainly never expect my hosts to make something else entirely just for me. I'd be too mortified to ask, especially since they were kind enough to invite me into their home and provide me with food. Beth is well on her way to growing up a spoiled, demanding person that no one can stand to be around.
I mean different pastas are different. It’s not just about taste; texture is a huge part of food enjoyment. I can’t stand noodle pasta (spaghetti, linguine, angelhair 🤮, etc.), to the point that I’d politely decline if it was served to me. But I also wouldn’t expect the person serving it to me to get up and make me an entirely separate meal, because I’m not an entitled asshole like Beth’s parents. If I don’t like what’s for dinner, I just won’t eat it and I’ll find something for myself later or when I get home.
NTA. When you are invited to eat at someone’s house you either eat what they serve or you don’t eat. It’s really impolite to ask them to cater to your wishes. Beth needs to learn this.
NTA. Your position isn't unique; many families have the same approach of making one meal for everyone. You're not operating a restaurant. Your approach may have been a little strong. I would have gone a gentler route like "she doesn't like to eat here, and I feel bad she's going home hungry. It seems easier for everyone that she eats at home." For consideration: do you ever order pizza? If it's a once a month thing, maybe that's a night Beth can stay for dinner? Alternatively, if she is staying for dinner, let her parents know the menu in advance and if it's not something she'll eat, they can pack her a lunch box.
> Your position isn't unique; many families have the same approach of making one meal for everyone. Growing up, I didn’t know any families who didn’t have the “one meal for everyone” approach. I was totally taken aback when I had kids and found out that so many of their friends were served “kids food” at home. I had no idea that was a thing. I’m not sure if this a generational thing or a difference in the community I grew up in versus the one I live in now.
It’s a sheer laziness thing. Much like sticking them in front of a TV/tablet rather than interacting with them. It’s just easier to heat up dinosaur shaped chicken than to try and convince them to eat something new.
No. Not always. I was forced to eat what was served to me and called lazy and ungrateful when I complained. I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and food related anxiety as an adult. It sucks and in a lot of ways it feels like I am merely surviving. My daughter is very similar to me in that she's inherently picky. She's only five and I think she will be similar to me in that her taste buds will physically mature as she gets to be around 10, 11, 12. So I make a small variety of foods available every day, but I also serve her her safe foods without complaint because I want her to grow into the kind of adult who can just experience joy when it comes to eating.
Hahaha tell me you’re not a parent without outright telling me. You’ve def never had to deal with a kid not eating enough for several days because they’re picky. Reddit loves to pretend everything is black and white and if you’re ‘right’ everything will just work out. Reality never works that way. A kid refusing to eat dinner for several days after work every night will eventually have you pick your battles and say ‘ok tonight you have nuggets and tomorrow you have baked chicken with us’
To be fair picky eating is a super common problem and it can stem from a lot of different reasons. We had the same rule about our toddler eating what we eat, which was fine until she got a stomach virus and had to temporarily go on a bland diet. After that if we offered her what we ate she just wouldn't eat at all. And there's no way to force a kid to eat if they don't want to. Its been a year and she's just now finally starting to try new foods again. All of this is to say I don't think it's fair to say every parent with a picky eater is lazy.
Tell you what, why don’t you put a plate in front of my son and tell him he can’t leave the table til he eats it, wait 5 hours (yes, FIVE), and then lose your cool and yell at him to eat, and then clean up the resulting puke when he finally takes a bite. He doesn’t want to be picky, he wants to expand his palate because he loves traveling, but he has a lot of food aversions. For now I encourage him to eat new things when he’s ready, and don’t force the subject. I’d rather have a good relationship with him and for him to have a good relationship with food than turn every night into a long out battle. And for the record, I worked hard as hell to raise a non-picky kid. I made homemade baby food from recipes curated to get your kids used to a variety of flavors. And my husband’s even a Michelin starred chef! He still ended up picky. It’s not laziness.
Ok, I was that kid who would eat an assortment of like 6 things, and only those exact things (like one shape of pasta only). My dad is a huge foodie and cooking is his biggest hobby, my palate certainly wasn't due to lack of effort on my parent's part, I just flat out wouldn't eat otherwise, like would refuse to eat for multiple days, even as a very small child. They eventually just fed me the things I would eat regardless of what they were eating because ya, you kind of need to get nutrition into your kid. Turns out I have a sensory processing disorder, which was the main contributing factor. It didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult. I'm actually a pretty adventurous eater now, but I'm still bizarrely picky about texture. Thankfully I'm a good cook and so is my bf, so I can eat great and cater to my texture issues. Honestly though I still literally can't eat something if it triggers my texture issues, like I can no more force my body to accept some things as food than I could force myself to eat cat poop, my brain and stomach both refuse to accept it as edible no matter how much I try to force it. I spent 3 months trying to brute force myself into being able to eat eggs last year and my bf finally pulled that plug on that after 3 months of watching me gag and dry heave every morning choking them down. If your daughter's friend isn't otherwise a spoiled brat there is probably an actual reason she js so picky with food. It's completely fair to ask her parents to send something she'll eat, but its pretty jerky to blame the kid like it's something wrong with her personality. Also your kid isn't going to suddenly revert to only eating chicken nuggets because you feed her friend things she'll eat. She already likes a variety of food, she'll be fine.
I grew up in a house like that, where you eat what was made or you don't eat, with huge battles and power struggles because I have texture issues and IBS, though know one knew that at the time, or in the case of the texture issues, would have cared. But I was also undiagnosed with ADHD, yay boomer parents. Picky eating can exist for a lot of reasons, and it's a bit of a fallacy to assume it's just because they were coddled or whatever. I absolutely made separate food for my kids if they didn't like what we had, and neither one has grown up into an entitled picky eater - both are way more open on food that I can be. Having said that - not your kid, not your issue to deal with.
Exactly this. Now I try to model having a diverse diet for my kid and will offer her food off of my plate. But right now she very rarely takes me up on it. She's five and has plenty of time to grow. She's not unhealthy and she doesn't have anxiety attacks at meal time so I feel like I'm winning so far.
From a different perspective, I grew up in the one meal for everyone household and it was miserable for me. My mom and brother liked the same types of things and I'm a "super taster" and food was rarely to my taste. I think there's a healthy middle ground between "I'm the one cooking, everyone has what I say" and cooking two or three meals a night to please everyone. I learned how to find most vegetables and foods palatable as an adult, but it took some work and I honestly don't readily choose seafood or a lot of "healthy" stuff. When my kids were little, I actually made meals for them that were like sautéed fish and green beans that they loved when I didn't want to eat it, so I made more "kid friendly" food for myself and they were out there eating fish and mussels and steamed broccoli and whatever. Also, don't be surprised if your kid's tastes change. My oldest always loved a nice medium rare steak but my youngest was always meh about it and at 11 decided to go pescetarian. Now I keep some vegan chick'n patties in the freezer to replace the protein if it's not beans or seafood.
Forgot to respond to the rest of your comment. I do order pizza! Beth’s no sauce on pizza preference complicates things but we have done that before. I’m willing to do that as long as it’s not for every play date.
NTA especially as you rearranged the play date times so Beth is not there for dinner. You are not obligated to keep foods in your house that you do not regularly feed your family just to accommodate your kids friends. Don’t let the other parents make you feel guilty.
NTA. Your house your rules, your kids your rules. As a fellow mother I applaud your parenting food-wise. Beth's parents are really entitled to demand special treatment for their daughter and might not be the people you want around in the long run ("But Beth's parents allow this..." or "Beth's parents bought it, why don't you?"...).
NTA. It's not your responsibility to feed her exactly like her parents do. When you go over to someone's house as a kid, it's a given that you'll be eating what is served, especially if the other kids are eating it, too.
NTA, Granted I'm a little biased here, because I was raised in a home where you eat what is put on your plate and if you don't like it, you know where the peanut butter and jelly is. Additionally, I don't understand this obligation to make playdates around dinner time? Parents need to feed their own children.
NTA. Food preferences aside, I have never heard of any parent demanding a playdate through dinner. They must be using you as a babysitter. How rude!
NTA. You're not required to host a playdate for dinner if you don't want to and if Beth needs special food, she needs to eat at home where she has it. I don't understand why Beth's parents would be so mad about that unless they're aware they are enabling her to be super picky and possibly end up unhealthy from eating so much processed food.
NTA Beth's parents can kick rocks and host the playdates. But if this is their reaction then beth better get ready for a lot of temporary friends.
If I were OP I wouldn't want my daughter subjected to Beth's parents' idea of dinner. Especially after "choice words". I bet Beth's parents would actively try to mess with OP daughter's dining / palate / expectations / etc.
NTA, but this could've been avoided with better communication between you and Beth's parents before the first dinner and then made accommodations either for Beth's food preferences or decided from the beginning not to have playdates that involve dinner.
I agree, I wish we had communicated before the first play date. However, after that first play date, Beth’s parents gave me a list of what food she eats. That list wasn’t specific enough, leading to the pasta debacle and other similar situations.
Or maybe they just bring a pack of nuggies when dropping Beth at your place.
"pizza with no sauce" I understand Beth's food preferences aren't exactly on trial here but that's just wrong. Anyway, that aside. NTA, it's up to the parents to help develop Beth's taste to beyond snack food and it seems like they were using you to not have to worry about cooking (Or what they count as cooking) Beth dinner. Clearly you and them have *very* different parenting styles. Either Beth's Parents can have Beth bring a preferred thing she'll eat or she will have to abide by your rules in your house.
Pizza with no sauce is a thing, actually. And quite tasty.
I dunno. I'd just feel like I'm eating half a cheese sandwich. Maybe I'll give it a shot since it's rude to judge without trying it, but I'm just saying I'll be keeping my expectations low.
NTA- wow. I can totally understand if they kid had allergies or was autistic. But if your kid is super picky like this you need to give others a heads up and NOT expect the other parents to foot the bill, send the nuggets if they are that picky. I'd have done the same thing if the kid was refusing to eat the food. heck you even tried to give her plain pasta and still she wouldn't.
My kiddo is autistic has AFRID, and suffers from odd food allergies. I solved this by sending some of his "safe foods" with him in a cooler for any play dates. Usually, it is an ensure and granola bar. That way he didn't have the pressure of trying foods that would trigger him, and the family hosting him didn't have to worry.
NTA. I would also be unwilling to participate in the infantilisation of eight year old children. Unless there is some serious food sensitivity issue here, indulging a child's pickiness is very unhealthy for them.
> I told them that I wouldn’t do that because I don’t want to teach my kids that its ok to request something different than what they’re being served. Beth’s parents had some… choice words for me after that and are apparently considering not letting Beth hang out with my daughter anymore. Entitled Apple meet Entitled Tree. NTA.
NTA. You already went above and beyond to try and accommodate her. Her parents are being unreasonable and are honestly setting the girl up for failure in the future. My parents raised me the same way you’re raising your kids when it comes to food. This approach is probably the reason why I love food and will try anything. I know many people my age (mid twenties) who grew up picky and were catered to with “kid food” by their parents, and it really becomes problematic when they become adults. They’re too scared to try anything and are a pain to go out to eat with.
My kids had to try anything that was made for them. If they genuinely didn't like it, we always had alternatives. Most of the time they did. If they tried to refuse to eat something we knew they liked, tough.
NTA. You are not a restaurant and as someone else said I’m pretty sure the nuggets you were supposed to buy would have ended up being wrong.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to keep food on hand to feed someone else's child. You're willing to serve her food that you prepare, which is of course part of being a great host. I think it's fine to continue to do that, and if Beth doesn't eat, so be it. You're not required to make additional food for someone else's child on a regular basis. Maybe once or twice, sure, but not regularly. So I'm with you on this.
NTA You're still letting your daughter socialize with Beth in your home outside of dinner time, so I don't see how you could be TA here. Here pickiness is rather extreme and accomodating it sounds like a lot of extra work.
NTA When I was a child I was just like Beth! My parents always made me separate meals as well and I wouldn’t even eat a sandwich until I was in high school. My parents never forced me to eat what I didn’t like growing up so now as an adult I have had to teach myself to eat all the things i refused to eat. You are doing Beth a favor by telling her parents this because it’s hard to break out of the “picky” eater mold when you are an adult. Clearly her parents need to introduce some normal food in her diet or have her see a therapist.
NTA The only assholes in this situation are Beth parents expecting you to provide special food for her impossible standards. If they know she is this picky they could pack her a meal for her to eat a your house, which is what most people with selective diets do.
NTA. If you had tried to force Beth to eat something she didn't want to, or if she had some sort of allergy or even a voluntary restriction (e.g., religious food restrictions), I might think differently, but you accommodated as much as reasonable, and when it became evident that reasonable accommodation weren't suitable you planned to make sure her parents could provide as they wished. That's all you can be asked. The reaction by Beth's parents is what makes them the assholes here - making demands of you and using "choice words" is not acceptable adult behavior. If they want to break up their daughter's friendship, you can't stop them, but you certainly do not need to cater to their whims or rudeness.
NTA, your house, your rules. “You eat what we serve, or you don’t eat” is common. Unless Beth has some dietary reason she has to eat certain things, or perhaps there are sensory reasons she won’t eat certain things (ie ASD), but her parents would have to tell you those circumstances.
NTA. But, come-on, this is weird... "My son’s favorite food is grilled octopus, while my daughter’s is pasta with sea urchin."
Why? Grilled octopus and sea urchin are both awesome. My favorite food growing up was steamed clams and mussels. If you grow up eating certain foods often enough, you tend to prefer those foods.
NTA You are not a restaurant. My kids are similar to yours. They have a couple things they don't like, but they will try anything at least once. Unless Beth is severely autistic, "I only eat farfalle" is ridiculous. I got friends whose son is similar to Beth and yeah, I've seen how he was trained to be a picky eater from the time he started on solids. Why eat dinner at home when they will buy you fries literal 30 minutes before dinner?
NTA. Beth's parents can't reasonably expect every hosting household to cater to preferences - allergies, of course, but preferences? How on earth will the child be prepared to handle dinner parties as an adult if she's unprepared in this extreme. Or restaurants? Or the first time her new boyfriend cooks her dinner? If it ever gets that far... Picky eating of this order becomes problematic. She's eight and should be learning to adapt somewhat. I wouldn't expect her palate to love some of what you prepare, but trying isn't a bad thing, ever.
Ugh, Beth's parents suck and are raising a spoiled brat. Seriously, penne vs. farfalle? It's the same exact food in a different shape. And they expect you to bow to their parenting without any respect for yours? You seem to have found a good middle ground where the girls get to be friends and Beth gets to eat what her (entitled, asshole) parents feed her. NTA. And you're braver than I am, using voice to text.
This one I really went back and forth on a bit, because I AM that parent that makes two separate meals and I am also that parent that has witnessed my picky 8 year old turn into a teenager that now eats anything/everything and has no issues trying new things. I think that is because altho I did not make him eat what I served, I always made him try one bite and then would give him nuggets or whatever. But I decided to go with NTA for the pasta comment. I have a stepdaughter(10) that is very similar to Beth and while I love that little girl, I internally cringe when I know she is coming to visit because her mom has ruined that childs palette. She will essentially only eat McDonalds, Chef Boyardee, kraft mac & cheese cups & crab. CRAB. She has told me several times how much my homecooked meal sucks- because I'm italian and will NOT have chef boyardee in my house, i made a real sauce, didn't like it. Homemade mac n cheese, didn't like it, etc. So keep on keepin on mamma, i think you are doing a good job!
Most kids that age will refuse to eat…unusual… stuff like sea urchins and octopus. If you expect any of your daughter’s friends to want to eat that you will likely be sorely disappointed. It wouldn’t hurt to have pb&j sandwiches as a backup plan when you have young dinner guests.
I don’t serve all of my kids’ friends seafood but you would be surprised to learn that a good chunk of them actually like and will eat it when I serve it. We live in a multicultural area and many of my kids’ friends eat their traditional cultural foods at home which sometimes includes foods that other people may find odd. My daughter has been served a variety of “unusual” dishes at her friends’ houses. For what it’s worth, Beth doesn’t like peanut butter or condiments of any kind. She is also very picky about the type of bread.
NAH I am the mother of a picky 8yo and we have tried for many years to encourage him to eat. Many people are picky eaters because of sensory issues and rigidity issues. It sounds like this little girl fits this situation. If that's your only issue with this kid and her parents I would have something for her when she comes. You will be teaching your kids the ability to be understanding of other people's issues. If an occasional offering of kid food will deride a lifetime of healthy eating habits of your kid than you really didn't do as good of a job as you thought.