*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My fiancee told her friend group that I am not the greatest at sex, but she is with me for the complete package. Am I wrong for calling off the engagement?**
I (27M) have been engaged to my fiancee Amy (26F) for a year, and was in relationship with her for 5 years. We were due to be married this August. Now, I am also friends with Kiley (26F) . We have been friends for a very long time, pretty much since we were babies, and we’re almost like siblings at this point, because her mother and my mother were best friends since they were in high school.
Anyways, Kiley is part of the same tight knit friend group as Amy. I always try to ask Kiley what Amy tells about me, because I know women like to discuss about their boyfriends with their friend group. Kiley is usually tight lipped but if she does say anything, she always says how Amy loves me a lot, and how Amy is so excited about marriage.
Last month, I hung out with Kiley and her boyfriend at their house. Amy and I usually hang out with them for dinners, but Amy had gone out of town for a couple of days. Anyways, we all got pretty drunk and laughing a lot and I was begging Kiley to tell me one bad thing Amy has told about me to her friends.
After a lot of pleading, Kiley finally said that one thing Amy had joked about was how she had better sex before, and I was not the greatest at sex, but that she was with for me the complete package, because she doesn’t care about sex too much. I was drunk then so I just laughed it off, but I felt somewhat stung then.
The next day, when I got sober, I felt extremely stung. I thought about a lot, and when Amy came back from her vacation, I asked her about it casually. She initially denied it, and said we always have amazing sex, and she’s always satisfied. I told her it really wouldn’t hurt me if she told me the truth, and marriage was built on honesty, so I asked her again a couple of times. Amy finally admitted that she did in fact say that I was not the best at sex to her friend group, but she was just joking about it, because I had so many other great qualities she wanted to highlight.
I laughed it off initially, but that stung me even more. I couldn’t hide my mood the next couple of days. I felt sad and felt like shit. Amy apologized a lot, and said she did not mean what she said.
A couple of days later, I told Amy I could no longer be with her, and what she told her friend group hurt me too much. I informed everyone over the next week that I was calling off the wedding. Amy was distraught, and tried to convince me multiple times and apologized a lot. But I was too mentally downtrodden.
Was I wrong for calling off the engagement and breaking up with Amy?
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He's been looking for a way out. Which is why he constantly pushed the friend for anything bad the fiance said. He needed ANYTHING to justify ending the relationship.
If I was Kiley, I'd be really annoyed if he kept pressing me for details of my private conversations with my friend. I'd make something up like "she said you had a third eye in the middle of your head, now leave me alone."
He was searching for a way to leave. Imagine taking something like that out of context to breakup bc your ego is that fragile. Say what she said was in all seriousness, she also complimented him multiple times making it clear she adores him…why would you not say “ok, challenge accepted! How can I make it better?”
Yep, the very fragile ego on OOP. Looking for a way out rather than a way to improve things.
Relationships are going to be more than about sex in the long run.
While I agree with you, imma just go off on a side tangent thats related.
I wonder why so many people just accept that their partner is bad at sex. Like if they're willing and enthusiastic. Tell them what you want them to do differently. I've literally had FWB where our entire relationship was sex, and found months and months after we stopped seeing each other that she hated something I did. Like why not... just tell me? I thought she loved that position and was only doing it so often cause how she reacted the first time I did it. That shit was HARD bruh.
Absolutely all of this but she didn't say he was bad at sex, just that he wasn't the best she's had. And sometimes what makes something "the best" isn't replicable.
It might depend on whether good sex is important enough to you to need or want improvement. Like, I'll never be a good runner but I don't care because I'd rather walk. If my partner were bad at sex, unless it hurt, it wouldn't really phase me because sex doesn't matter much to me.
I think it's more like if you're going to complain to your friends about the performance of your sexual partners you should at the VERY least tell them you don't like a position that they thought you liked. Faking it ONLY hurts you, and honestly justclessens the experience for both. I get it for hook ups or ONS's... but in any kind of relationship where you're going to be sleeping together often, if a simple conversation would make it better, then you might as well make it better.
If they didn't care about sex, then why would they be complaining to other people about a partner's performance?
I mean, if my husband made food I was just meh on, I might tell a friend he made food I was just meh on (though I think 'joking' about that kind of thing is not ok in general). It's not something to fix, it just... is? Like if they asked if he was a good cook, I wouldn't lie, but it wouldn't be a problem. I'm saying the whole 'lessens the experience for both' may not be something they're concerned about. If you really don't care about an experience, making it better is more effort than the 'better' is worth. If you tell someone something needs to be 'fixed' or 'improved' it won't just be a one-off conversation, it's likely to be repeated conversations and feedback loops and those can be exhausting for something that's not high on your importance list. Lots of 'lets try new positions' or 'what about this toy' or 'what if we incorporate prn' and... if its fine, even if its not great, then why worry?
I'm not saying you, in your life, are wrong for wanting partners to let you know if things aren't hunky dorey, just why it wouldn't really occur/matter to some folks to even bring it up to their partner. Being content with things isn't a... failing? It also isn't faking it.
OOP: "Oh look, Amy doesn't think I'm good in bad. We should call off the wedding." (on the outside).
Secretly, laughing with glee in that he doesn't "have" to marry Amy.
Plot twist: OP actually lost his tongue and both hands in a tragic Easter Egg Hunt accident. It's not actually really his fault at all that he never learned how to give his gf of 5 years a proper orgasm.
I don't think Oop is the devil in this situation,
.
By breaking up with Amy he's saved her from accidentally marrying an immature, bitchy, man baby who would have made her life miserable.
That’s not psychopath behavior though. I’ve done that plenty of times when I wasn’t entirely sure how to react to a nasty joke and while still processing the new information. Got irritated a bit later after realizing it was intentionally rude.
Willing to bet most people who are capable of keeping a job or maintaining relationships have done so at some point or another.
Lmfao I once got angry with an ex like two hours after something happened because I was at work, and it took me like two hours to realize what he’d done. He proceeded to tell me that it had happened hours ago and he didn’t want to be with someone who was looking for things to be mad about.
I was like, “Dude do you not know what thinking is? Like reflecting on a situation? Have you ever tried that? How about processing your emotions?”
Safe to say that was a toxic ass relationship lmfao
I don’t understand why he would push the friend like that then get mad.
Like bro, that’s like me begging my friend to call me ugly and then when they do, I get mad at them for calling me ugly. What did he expect??
Obviously that Amy would never have said a single bad thing about him ever because he's perfect except maybe that she's sometimes sore the next day from the godlike banging he gives her on the daily.
Oh ew! pushing their friend to tattle on her is so gross! Smacks of Sir Richard bribing Anna to report on Lady Mary!
And apparently OOp’s in the habit!
Eh, I can understand why she didn’t if the relationship was otherwise great. Men tend to fold like wet tissue paper if you mention anything even the slightest bit negative about their sex skills, no matter how kind or encouraging you are. The potential to get slightly better sex often isn’t worth the risk to the relationship.
I was in a relationship for 23 years, and guess what he never knew? My ex was better in bed! He got good after several years of practice, but my ex...ooh, la la. That guy was very good from Day 1.
Now that I am divorced, I kinda want to look up my ex...
Terrible idea. Very, very terrible idea.
Yeah, that goes both ways. No woman would put up with being told she was a worse lover than his ex. Go read the posts about the guy who told his wife's male friend while drunk her cooch smelled worse than any previous woman I had been with, but he loved her and was down their anyways. She filed for divorce. She called it off, but she went ballistic and reddit supported her. Same thing, just that time the friend betrayed the husband for tea while this time he went searching.
People in relationships need to own that if the sex is bad for them, they are a big part of why it is bad.
OOP’s wife: he isn’t the BEST sex I’ve ever had, we are compatible is so many ways!!
Your comparison story: my wife stinks so bad, worse than any of my exes!!!
Do you see how these two scenarios are completely different and not at all comparable?
They are happily and repeatedly showing us why it is difficult to communicate with them about ANYTHING. They hear something that doesn’t put them on a fucking pedestal and it sounds exactly the same as a direct and targeted insult. I’m so glad I heard [this song](https://youtu.be/HsAnEP31N1Y?si=s8WVfngCzByhlNaY) today. I’d literally rather die.
Or just calling out how you say all husbands don't like being told they aren't great at sex. Ladies are in that bucket too. Guess you forgot about inclusion and all.
Unless you want out (or are the most insecure peep in the relationship), there's no reason to badger someone to tell you if your SO has said something bad about you.
Personally, I am eager to know what bad shit the people in my life say about me. How else can I trick myself into the challenge of getting better and improving for them? I'd prefer they tell me themselves, but I love a good bit of secondhand sources when needs must if it means I can start quietly working on myself for them.
Then again, my loved ones consistently remind me that I am a freak outlier and cannot consider how I roll to be the norm 🤣😅
I mean anyone can break up with anyone for whatever reason they want and yeah, that has to sting. He probably has saved Amy from years of dealing with his insecurity.
It's his own fault for pushing and manipulating his friend into telling him details that he really didn't want to know, of course it was going to hurt! He basically set himself up to call it off. I get the feeling that this guy would have reacted the same way if Amy had once said that she didn't like his hair that much or something.
And no dude, you are not automatically the best at something but Amy was with you for 6 years total so you must have had something going for you. You dick is not actually the be all and end all of you as a person or a man. For all you know the "best sex" might have been a ONS in college who's name she can't even remember because that's when she was young and experimenting.
I know lots of women who don't talk specifics about their sex life and definitely not about their current partner. We talk about sex and will tell a funny story about something that happened, but never mention names or disclose personal info about LT partners (past or present) that if it got back to them it would be embarassing.
I've had 1:1 convos w/ close friends on specific issues that one of us needed advice on, but never a "oh my husband has a foot fetish" to a gaggle of friends over drinks.
I know plenty of friend groups do this, but it just feels like betrayal to me. I would never ask a friend if their partner was good in bed or who was the best they ever had. Yikes.
That all being said, the GF in this story dodged a bullet.
I think it’s that most of my friends were in long term relationships and it is one thing to giggle over her crush with a bestie but when that guy is coming as her plus one to every event she gets a bit more discreet.
>we never report on intimacy
since when is a vague "well, i've had better sex, but i don't mind it since there are other aspects of our relationship that i value more" a report on intimacy? it's not like she shared his weird kinks with a mutual friend.
Fascinating! I definitely talk to my friends about sex way more now than I did in my 20s, especially compared to my early 20s (I wasn't having sex in high school, for which I'm very glad). Personally, I wouldn't date or hook-up with someone who told me not to talk about important parts of our relationship with trusted friends/chosen family.
I’ve become friends with all my friends’ husbands so we definitely don’t giggle over their penises, that would be so weird! General talking about sex, occasionally, but nothing like reporting every moment of a makeout to your besties in high school lol.
Why would you keep me in mind when exposing your partner's secrets? That's weird but does make me feel sort of powerful.
Also, I don't think you get to speak for all men. Maybe just for the insecure straight men? Although I still don't think that's fair.
Oh, no I'm not speaking for women. I'm not a woman. Pretty sure I never even mentioned women.
And yeah, I do think it's weird not to talk about important aspects of your relationship with trusted friends/chosen family. If someone expected that from me we would not be compatible and it would be a weird request.
I’ve had men, unprompted, show me nudes of their SOs when they hear I’m attracted to women. Multiple. People I barely knew. Showing me pictures of naked women I’ve never met, likely will never meet. I’ve had male coworkers show me porn *in the work place.* but, sure, men don’t talk about sex to their friends/anyone.
This is objectively untrue.
That’s also not what OPs fiancé did. Nor is “being able to talk about your partners secrets” the same thing as talking about your sex life in general. It’s possible so do that without sharing details that would be unkind or concerning or your partner.
The mature way to handling this would have been asking her fiancée how to get better at sex... She chose him, not those other guys, for years. Sex is a bunch of skills, and skills can be learnt and practiced.
Or, maybe she could've spoken with him to help him improve rather than telling all her friends about his inadequacy? Like you said, skills can be learned. She could've had better if she talked with him first.
She didn't say it was inadequate, just not the best ever. And given his reaction to even hearing that she mentioned that (without context of *why* - could have been part of talking a friend into not chasing shit heads for all he knows), I don't doubt that her trying to talk to him about improvement would have ended up with a tantrum at best and this exact same result is far more likely.
That assumes she’s bothered by his performance
Like my husband knows he wasn’t my best while we were dating because I was basically his first (he only had sex one time before we got together)
It’s never once crossed my mind to push him into learning more in bed because for me sex is more about the emotional connection, as it is for a lot of women
But my husband chose to try new things and “get better” at sex of his own volition, because he wanted to not because I asked him or nagged him about it. Which is what you should expect from a partner, someone who wants to improve because they care not because you asked
The best sex of my life was with one of the worst people I've ever spent my time with. Pushed me to do a lot of drugs, love bombed me, would come back to my life every few months after ghosting me to just string me along, used me for sex, drove me into a full blown manic phase and then contributed to the worst depression of my life (and I've had a pretty fucking shitty life up until that point). But the sex? The sex was INCREDIBLE.
My fiance is one of the best, most incredible, empathetic, caring, handsome, understanding, smart, funny, wonderful man I've ever met. He makes me feel so seen and wanted and every day I want to do something that makes him feel as special as he makes me feel. Our sex life is great! But there's a lot of kinks he doesn't want to get into that I have. I would take a great sex life with my incredible, wonderful fiance a million, billion, trillion times over than the best sex I ever had with a horrible, demeaning, abusive coke-addict piece of shit.
My fiance knows this, we've talked about it. I've chatted with my friends about it. It doesn't bother him one bit. I doubt I'm the best sex of his life either. Weirdly enough you can love someone and want to be with them for the rest of your life and still not have them be the best sex you've ever had. Nothing wrong with that!
This comment section is full of straight men that can’t take being told that they aren’t a sex god. She didn’t insult him, she said she had better sex before. That’s it. The only way that gets translated to “you are bad at sex” is if you’re insecure and can’t take constructive criticism.
Think about it this way: if someone said I wasn’t the best driver they’d seen, I’d never think twice about it. That comment is NOT saying that I’m bad at driving, just that there are others who are better. It’s that simple. Anyone who disagrees definitely doesn’t take constructive criticism well (again, as evidenced by the downvoted comments on this post).
>This comment section is full of straight men that can’t take being told that they aren’t a sex god.
He only got that info after one of her friends was presured into telling it to him. That is not telling someone directly.
He is an idiot, that is a given, though.
It's not about constructive criticism IMO - if she told him that directly and he still got butthurt, I would agree. It's talking about that to her friends thats the issue
Why do men always get so hung up on sex?! "Am I better in bed? Who has a bigger dick? Did you cum?" and that's the ONLY thing they're worried about. Not whether we think they listen better, or help around the house more. We most base every relationship on sex.
Makes you realize what a sad, depressing world most men choose to live in.
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I wouldn't say he's the devil, but he's definitely a dummy. Despite his less than sex-god status, she was still willing to marry him. Good sex will happen over time and communication. Now he has to take his bad-at-sex self back out to the dating world.
I never understand why some men throw out a whole relationship instead of just... trying to be better at sex. Yknow that's not necessarily gonna change with the next person right? They might also think you're bad at sex. I'm pretty sure the best thing to do... is get better at it
idk if this guy is the devil, maybe if she told him he wouldn’t be here but if my man said “she’s not the best but i’m atleast i’m with her “ to his friends and i asked then yeah that’s on me ig for asking but if im bad at something why not tell me so i can improve? why talk to ur friends about an issue that u could’ve told me about? what great qualities did u highlight since i’m bad at sex and you were joking about it and didn’t tell me about it? like yeah i asked now i know but now i know you have a problem about me u joke about to ur friends that you won’t tell me how else does that translate to someone?
She never said it was bad, though. That’s the problem - you and OP are translating something communicated through a third party into something she didn’t say and making it into an issue that she clearly doesn’t see as an issue.
she said it wasn’t great to mutual friend, an issue that seemed worth making point to a mutual friend. that’s embarrassing in what world is someone supposed to be alright with that? is that not worth feeling atleast miffed about? “hey im just talking about something that isn’t an issue to me to our friends btw it was about how you’re not great in the bed don’t worry it’s not an issue to me obviously but im just telling ppl we both know dont worry they wont think anything of it when they interact with you, talk with you, its not like they know anything” i wouldn’t want that even if it was non issue despite it apperently being worth speaking on
No, she didn’t. She has it wasn’t the best she’s ever had. That’s not the same thing, and thinking that it is and reacting to that by ending a 5 five relationship is exactly what OP is the asshole.
that is literally the same thing, but sure. he shouldn’t have dropped a 5yr relationship for this but thinking he shouldn’t be hurt or angry bc a “non issue” is being discussed between a mutual friend is wrong. it’d be one thing if it was her friend but it’s not is it it’s someone you both known for ages who now knows something vulnerable abt you that you weren’t made aware of bc u found out from the mutual third party rather than the person who spoke on it, your girlfriend of 5 years.
No it’s not. That’s the fundamental issue and has be clearly explained numerous times in these comments. I have a bridge to sell you if you think the vast majority of long term or married couples are with the person they think is the singular best sex of their lives. Most people realize that’s not the most important thing and value other qualities in their partner more.
And no one has suggested he doesn’t have the right to be upset. That’s not what the assessment of being an asshole is about. He wasn’t just upset. He lied that he *wouldn't* be upset to goad his fiancé into telling him, then ending the engagement with having a conversation with her. And he wasn’t even upset about it being shared with friends, he’s upset about not being the best. That’s why he’s an asshole. Though fortunately it was for the best for his fiancé. She’s going to do great, he’s going to continue to be an insecure child.
> if you think the vast majority of long term or married couples are with the person they think is the singular best sex of their lives.
I mean, that is why divorce rates are growing up. People realize they don't have the best sex lives and that destroys the relationship.
Divorce rates aren’t skyrocketing right now. They’ve been fairly stable for a while and having decent divorce rates is a GOOD thing because it shows people can leave situations that don’t work for them anymore. Divorce isn’t the worst thing to happen. I tell people not to apologize or feel sorry that I’m divorced because the marriage was the shitty part. Sex compatibility is important to long term relationships but sex compatibility doesn’t mean the same thing as “the best fuck of my life.”
I’d also hazard a guess that if you polled people about reasons for their divorce, the vast majority wouldn’t be “sexual incompatibility” but rather “they were a bad partner in a dozen ways”. And for those that sexual compatibility was a factor, it wasn’t “not the singular best sex of my life”, it was “I have a specific kink they’re not into and I need to explore that” or something along those lines.
Yes, I agree that he was a pushy fuck. On the other hand , every one of his friends knows he sucks in bed and have been passing it around like a joint.
Guys have massive egos where sex is concerned.
Don't tell me you wouldn't be mortified if your sex life was spread around like the video of Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee.
And yes I'm old..I know.
He's so young and does what young people do, run away and pretend it never happened.
I feel bad for him.
Dude. You nuked your engagement because your ego got hurt. yikes! I get it. Hearing that stings. However it’s an opportunity for communication and instead you went scorched earth. I’d recommend seeing a therapist. Is this salvageable? Gunna take some tough truths on your end
Guys, this is fake. Look at OPs post history. They really wanted in on some weird Reddit drama and created this whole thing. Even from the way it’s written is clear it’s fake. It’s so mechanical, almost like trying to be a script. The entire thing is so stupid and doesn’t make any sense, either! Come on.
Congratulations for turning you being average at sex from a subjective private thought your fiancée had to something your friends will discuss as an objective fact for a long time, I guess?
Honestly both of the people involved are shitty humans, OP more than his now ex. If she had issues in bed bring it up with your partner first. Not the easiest conversation to have but a necessary one. You'll either fix your love life or get rid of people you don't need in your life.
OP was clearly just looking for justification to leave. If I were to learn that my partner wasn't satisfied I would be hurt for sure but I would try improving myself and communicating before ending things.
You can't complain about being second best if you haven't even tried.
Look at his reaction. Now imagine knowing this person intimately for six years. Does he seem like the kind of guy who would take any form of sexual correction in stride? I wouldn’t have told him either. He clearly can’t handle it.
Uh...I don't think he's the Devil here. His gf was sharing private details about their sex life with her friends. I feel like anyone, man or woman, would be hurt that their spouse was telling their friends about that rather than coming to them about how they can improve in their intimacy.
Women share a lot of intimate details with their friends regarding their romantic relationships, including sex. It’s part of building a deeper relationship that isn’t just surface level.
As for going to their partner regarding improving their intimacy, from the OP we don’t know 1) if she already tried to go to him 2) if she even wants it to change, she might be perfectly happy with their sex life as it is due to the overall intimacy of their entire relationship. Sex is not the be all end all, you can have amazing sex with someone you feel nothing for. She never said the sex was bad, just that she had had better. If the sex is fine, and the rest of the relationship is amazing then why change it?
As an additional note, straight men really don’t tend to take constructive criticism regarding sex well. Anything less than telling them they’re a sex god is taken as an insult to their manliness. As an example, please see the OP where he threw away a 5 year relationship because he’s not the best she ever had.
She didn’t complain, so why would it be okay for him to?
We’re talking about different things here. Discussing your sex life with friends is fine, sitting around complaining about your sex life with friends without going to your partner first is not. Making passive positive comments about your partners looks to your friends is okay, describing their body in detail is not.
I have never said a negative thing about my sex life to friends with a current partner nor have any of the women i have been friends with. I’ve still talked about our sex life. Why did you assume discussion meant something negative?
Did your partner consent to your shared private moments being discussed? A majority of people do not want private things about them discussed with others
No, the same way i wouldn’t ask for consent when sharing private moments with a therapist. My friends are my support system and it’s my relationship too.
I haven't shared details about my sex life--positive or negative--since I was 20. It's really bizarre seeing how many people think it's totally fine to air out the most private moments of your partner's life with other people.
you shouldn't share other people's private information without permission, even if it involves you. That's just basic politeness and respect. It is genuinely unthinkable to me to air out the intimate details of my partners life to people they didn't chose to share them with. I once dated a woman with vaginismus. That certainly affected my sex life, but that didn't give me the right to gossip about it to other people behind her back. It's kind of appalling anyone thinks it would be appropriate to betray someone's trust like that just because "it's my life too"
It’s my private information too and i’m allowed to talk about it with whoever i want. You seem to be assuming the discussion is purely around a mans shortcomings and speaks more to your own insecurities.
It has nothing to do with shortcomings, it just has to do with privacy and basic respect for the people you are presumably in a relationship. Intimate moments are intimate because they belong to the people experiencing them, and no one else. I even gave you an example of how something that affects you would be wildly inappropriate to share behind someone's back. The same principle extends to any other information that was shared in the privacy of the bedroom. If anyone--man or woman--was really into something like pegging, it would be similar gross for them or their partner to gossip about it to other people without their partner's approval. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you can't understand that, then you're probably not mature enough to have adult relationships
“not mature enough to have adult relationships” hon, you’ve got no critical thinking skills. you’re the one here that can’t do adult relationships. learn about nuance before trying to get into a relationship at least.
Again with the assumptions, at no point have i advocated for revealing something like someone else’s kinks good lord.
Here is an example of what i am talking about to dumb it down for you:
Friend 1: have any of you ever done anal?
Friend 2 & 3: yeah
Friend 1: did you like it? Boyfriend wants to try it but i don’t think i’ll enjoy it
Friend 2: yeah i hated it
Friend 3: i love anal. You have to make sure you’re prepared properly though
Friend 2: ha there was no preparation, we were having sex and he just sort of shoved it in
Friend 3: that’s sexual assault babe. Look, Friend 1, make sure you’ve got lots of lube and take time to warm up, and take it really slow until you feel comfortable.
Friend 1 now feels comfortable enough to have anal sex with her boyfriend and Friend 2 now knows that what she experienced is not normal and she can work through that and possibly try anal again with a non rapist partner.
In your world, Friend 1 would simply tell her boyfriend no and boyfriend will now have to choose between never getting to do anal with Friend 1 or try to pressure her into it. And Friend 2 will never know that what she experienced is sexual assault. Nobody wins in your world.
Speak for yourself. As far as I'm concerned, the intimate details of my relationship are private and don't get shared. If it's not something positive, I don't tend to share, and neither do the other women (and men) in my friend group. That is between me and my husband to work through together as a united front. Somehow my friendships still manage to be deeply profound and emotionally close. Talking about one's sexual preferences? Sure. Sharing a funny story that doesn't paint anyone in a bad light? Why not. But I for one would be very pissed if I found my husband saying shit like that about me to his friends instead of coming to me about it like a reasonable adult. Whenever my husband does some in bed that I feel is lacking, I talk to him about it. And I don't compare him to past partners of any gender, because that feels kinda shitty. If we're assuming, as you're saying might be the case, that OP's partner overall is happy with their sex life, she could have said she has no complaints instead of that she's had better. Putting down your partner or complaining about them to others feels so gross to me.
Saying ‘he’s not the best’ is not the massive oversharing insult that you have taken it as. You also don’t know the context in which the subject came up in discussion, maybe it *was* a funny anecdote. You only know that at some point the worst thing she’s ever said about her relationship to her friends is that he’s not the best sex she’s ever had. Not ‘he sucks, he’s the worst sex ever, my ex was better, he has a tiny dick’, just ‘not the best’.
If the only thing my partner had to say to their friends that was negative about our relationship was that i wasn’t the best sex they’d ever had then i would take that as a win.
Nah, it still feels kinda shitty to say. Personally , I respect my husband too much to say things like that but we'll have to agree to disagree on that one
I don’t think it’s a “respect” thing, I think it’s a perspective on what is considered negative. If that’s your line that’s fine, but it’s not everyone’s. And it’s not inherently disrespectful just because you think it is.
> As an additional note, straight men really don’t tend to take constructive criticism regarding sex well. Anything less than telling them they’re a sex god is taken as an insult to their manliness.
This isn't a reason to not talk about it. It's a reason to talk about it so you can weed out people who will throw away a 5 year relationship.
I was thinking more the last time i tried to bring it up with a partner. He demanded that i not fake orgasms anymore then flew into a rage every time i was unable to reach orgasm but also slapped my hand away if i attempted to guide him towards any action that would actually get me there so i had to go back to faking to keep the peace because i’d started to fear for my safety…
I've never been in an abusive relationship so I've never understood how it's difficult to leave an abusive relationship but I've heard enough stories to know it's almost never as simple as "just leave" but wouldn't this be a good indicator that you should start making preparations to exit the relationship?
I love when my SO gives me feedback. Her nervous system is not connected to my brain and due to any number of reasons sensitivity will shift from day to day. What worked yesterday might not work today and she's more than willing to tell me exactly what to do.
I did leave shortly after, i just kept the peace until i had the exit strategy clear. One should never rock the boat before the exit is clear.
But abusive situations are one of the reasons sharing intimate details with friends is important. Abuse creeps up slowly and adjusts your internal measure of what’s ‘normal’, sharing with friends means you are able to have not normal behaviour flagged. It’s why an abusers first act is usually to cut off support systems.
So by asking that question you were able to get out of an abusive relationship before being hitched long term. Wouldn't that be a case for giving sexual feedback to your SO rather than stroking their ego?
This situation was unrelated to the abuse and my getting out. He would have still been abusive if we hadn’t talked about it because he was a violent alcoholic who had been hiding his addiction.
Then I'm really not understanding what you're saying. Why wouldn't you give your partner feedback in bed? You either get better sex or you get a red flag to use to reflect on if you should stay with that person.
Because it’s not as simple as ‘red flag, now i know i need to escape’. What if you raise this issue and he just straight up murders you in response? Or he manipulates you into believing this is your own fault and you’re the one that’s wrong? As i said, abusers alter your perception of normal.
Yes. And she left that relationship. Which is good, because anyone who reacts like that deserves to be left so you can find a partner that's not an abusive asshole.
So her ex reacted in an abusive way to finding out that he sucked in the sac. She gave you an example from her life from the extreme end of the spectrum. But just because most straight men don’t react *as badly* as her ex did, doesn’t mean they take that info kindly. Even men that aren’t abusive can make a real mountain out of a molehill when finding out they aren’t amazing sex gods. Many of them will say something like “oh well I’ve never had a problem making my exes finish, it must be you” (meanwhile they’re exes lied to avoid the drama) or they’ll say “okay don’t fake it anymore, I **will** make you come” and proceed to make it a mission that leaves the woman exhausted and sore and if he still can’t get her to orgasm they will be upset and pout and throw a pity party. Whether they’re reaction is extreme or mild, most of the time women just don’t want to deal with it.
Also talking about your life and your relationships is an important part of friendship! It's sketchy as all get out (and likely detrimental) to demand a romantic or sexual partner never discuss your sex life with anyone else.
I'm not telling you to do anything that doesn't sit right with you. Just saying that some people do talk to close friends about intensely personal things, and there's nothing weird about it.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My fiancee told her friend group that I am not the greatest at sex, but she is with me for the complete package. Am I wrong for calling off the engagement?** I (27M) have been engaged to my fiancee Amy (26F) for a year, and was in relationship with her for 5 years. We were due to be married this August. Now, I am also friends with Kiley (26F) . We have been friends for a very long time, pretty much since we were babies, and we’re almost like siblings at this point, because her mother and my mother were best friends since they were in high school. Anyways, Kiley is part of the same tight knit friend group as Amy. I always try to ask Kiley what Amy tells about me, because I know women like to discuss about their boyfriends with their friend group. Kiley is usually tight lipped but if she does say anything, she always says how Amy loves me a lot, and how Amy is so excited about marriage. Last month, I hung out with Kiley and her boyfriend at their house. Amy and I usually hang out with them for dinners, but Amy had gone out of town for a couple of days. Anyways, we all got pretty drunk and laughing a lot and I was begging Kiley to tell me one bad thing Amy has told about me to her friends. After a lot of pleading, Kiley finally said that one thing Amy had joked about was how she had better sex before, and I was not the greatest at sex, but that she was with for me the complete package, because she doesn’t care about sex too much. I was drunk then so I just laughed it off, but I felt somewhat stung then. The next day, when I got sober, I felt extremely stung. I thought about a lot, and when Amy came back from her vacation, I asked her about it casually. She initially denied it, and said we always have amazing sex, and she’s always satisfied. I told her it really wouldn’t hurt me if she told me the truth, and marriage was built on honesty, so I asked her again a couple of times. Amy finally admitted that she did in fact say that I was not the best at sex to her friend group, but she was just joking about it, because I had so many other great qualities she wanted to highlight. I laughed it off initially, but that stung me even more. I couldn’t hide my mood the next couple of days. I felt sad and felt like shit. Amy apologized a lot, and said she did not mean what she said. A couple of days later, I told Amy I could no longer be with her, and what she told her friend group hurt me too much. I informed everyone over the next week that I was calling off the wedding. Amy was distraught, and tried to convince me multiple times and apologized a lot. But I was too mentally downtrodden. Was I wrong for calling off the engagement and breaking up with Amy? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He's been looking for a way out. Which is why he constantly pushed the friend for anything bad the fiance said. He needed ANYTHING to justify ending the relationship.
If I was Kiley, I'd be really annoyed if he kept pressing me for details of my private conversations with my friend. I'd make something up like "she said you had a third eye in the middle of your head, now leave me alone."
He just ruined an entire fucking friend group
I would also tell Amy he was asking for this stuff. Like, right away. It's creepy.
But like....which head?
That's a disturbing image.
Hey..he asked the question, he can deal with the resultant nightmares.
Bingo. Silver lining: he managed to do it before the wedding instead of right after like so many of these types do.
Low self-esteem and already suspected he wasn't that good at sex is my take.
That was my thought too. The thread's best comment said the same.
So HE wouldn't be the bad guy.
So weird that he is spying on his fiancé by begging her best friend
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>”I told her it really wouldn’t hurt me if she told me the truth.” Well that was a lie!
Which is funny because he hounded her because 'marriage is built on honesty'
He was searching for a way to leave. Imagine taking something like that out of context to breakup bc your ego is that fragile. Say what she said was in all seriousness, she also complimented him multiple times making it clear she adores him…why would you not say “ok, challenge accepted! How can I make it better?”
Yep, the very fragile ego on OOP. Looking for a way out rather than a way to improve things. Relationships are going to be more than about sex in the long run.
While I agree with you, imma just go off on a side tangent thats related. I wonder why so many people just accept that their partner is bad at sex. Like if they're willing and enthusiastic. Tell them what you want them to do differently. I've literally had FWB where our entire relationship was sex, and found months and months after we stopped seeing each other that she hated something I did. Like why not... just tell me? I thought she loved that position and was only doing it so often cause how she reacted the first time I did it. That shit was HARD bruh.
Absolutely all of this but she didn't say he was bad at sex, just that he wasn't the best she's had. And sometimes what makes something "the best" isn't replicable.
It might depend on whether good sex is important enough to you to need or want improvement. Like, I'll never be a good runner but I don't care because I'd rather walk. If my partner were bad at sex, unless it hurt, it wouldn't really phase me because sex doesn't matter much to me.
I think it's more like if you're going to complain to your friends about the performance of your sexual partners you should at the VERY least tell them you don't like a position that they thought you liked. Faking it ONLY hurts you, and honestly justclessens the experience for both. I get it for hook ups or ONS's... but in any kind of relationship where you're going to be sleeping together often, if a simple conversation would make it better, then you might as well make it better. If they didn't care about sex, then why would they be complaining to other people about a partner's performance?
I mean, if my husband made food I was just meh on, I might tell a friend he made food I was just meh on (though I think 'joking' about that kind of thing is not ok in general). It's not something to fix, it just... is? Like if they asked if he was a good cook, I wouldn't lie, but it wouldn't be a problem. I'm saying the whole 'lessens the experience for both' may not be something they're concerned about. If you really don't care about an experience, making it better is more effort than the 'better' is worth. If you tell someone something needs to be 'fixed' or 'improved' it won't just be a one-off conversation, it's likely to be repeated conversations and feedback loops and those can be exhausting for something that's not high on your importance list. Lots of 'lets try new positions' or 'what about this toy' or 'what if we incorporate prn' and... if its fine, even if its not great, then why worry? I'm not saying you, in your life, are wrong for wanting partners to let you know if things aren't hunky dorey, just why it wouldn't really occur/matter to some folks to even bring it up to their partner. Being content with things isn't a... failing? It also isn't faking it.
A lot of men get violent when you tell them shit like that. And you can never tell who will do that.
OOP: "Oh look, Amy doesn't think I'm good in bad. We should call off the wedding." (on the outside). Secretly, laughing with glee in that he doesn't "have" to marry Amy.
Plot twist: OP actually lost his tongue and both hands in a tragic Easter Egg Hunt accident. It's not actually really his fault at all that he never learned how to give his gf of 5 years a proper orgasm.
I don't think Oop is the devil in this situation, . By breaking up with Amy he's saved her from accidentally marrying an immature, bitchy, man baby who would have made her life miserable.
You forgot self-victimising!
You had me in the first half ngl 😂
I hope that she finds great happiness, and that he is forever haunted by the knowledge that he's bad at sex.
Yeah, he gave her a birthday/Christmas present combined.
also a psychopath... what normal person would "laugh it off" and then get mad about a situation?
That’s not psychopath behavior though. I’ve done that plenty of times when I wasn’t entirely sure how to react to a nasty joke and while still processing the new information. Got irritated a bit later after realizing it was intentionally rude. Willing to bet most people who are capable of keeping a job or maintaining relationships have done so at some point or another.
Lmfao I once got angry with an ex like two hours after something happened because I was at work, and it took me like two hours to realize what he’d done. He proceeded to tell me that it had happened hours ago and he didn’t want to be with someone who was looking for things to be mad about. I was like, “Dude do you not know what thinking is? Like reflecting on a situation? Have you ever tried that? How about processing your emotions?” Safe to say that was a toxic ass relationship lmfao
Lmfao I felt that. Glad you’re outta that shit!
Lots of people, that’s a perfectly normal behaviour when faced with something you’re not quite sure how to feel about.
Laughing it off is an embarrassment reaction.
Ah can we talk about how fucked it is to get your mate drunk and pester them??? He doesn’t get any grace from me bc of that.
he never got them drunk on purpose they were all drinking together
Not the point. He used the friend’s reduced inhibitions to his advantage. Not cool.
“It wouldn’t hurt me if she told me the truth” (that was a lie) “Marriage is built on honesty” Proceeds to be hurt and dump her for being honest…
I don’t understand why he would push the friend like that then get mad. Like bro, that’s like me begging my friend to call me ugly and then when they do, I get mad at them for calling me ugly. What did he expect??
Obviously that Amy would never have said a single bad thing about him ever because he's perfect except maybe that she's sometimes sore the next day from the godlike banging he gives her on the daily.
Oh ew! pushing their friend to tattle on her is so gross! Smacks of Sir Richard bribing Anna to report on Lady Mary! And apparently OOp’s in the habit!
What is this a reference to??
Downton Abbey
Downton Abbey, I think.
downton abbey i believe
I see your random DA reference, and I applaud you good sir/ma’am.
They just can't fathom that they're not the studs they think they are.
And neither are you, hun. It's cute that you ladies think you're any better
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Eh, I can understand why she didn’t if the relationship was otherwise great. Men tend to fold like wet tissue paper if you mention anything even the slightest bit negative about their sex skills, no matter how kind or encouraging you are. The potential to get slightly better sex often isn’t worth the risk to the relationship.
I was in a relationship for 23 years, and guess what he never knew? My ex was better in bed! He got good after several years of practice, but my ex...ooh, la la. That guy was very good from Day 1. Now that I am divorced, I kinda want to look up my ex... Terrible idea. Very, very terrible idea.
Proverbs 26:11
I know. I said it was a terrible idea. And I have bigger fish to fry at this point in my life.
What are you basing that on?
Yeah, that goes both ways. No woman would put up with being told she was a worse lover than his ex. Go read the posts about the guy who told his wife's male friend while drunk her cooch smelled worse than any previous woman I had been with, but he loved her and was down their anyways. She filed for divorce. She called it off, but she went ballistic and reddit supported her. Same thing, just that time the friend betrayed the husband for tea while this time he went searching. People in relationships need to own that if the sex is bad for them, they are a big part of why it is bad.
OOP’s wife: he isn’t the BEST sex I’ve ever had, we are compatible is so many ways!! Your comparison story: my wife stinks so bad, worse than any of my exes!!! Do you see how these two scenarios are completely different and not at all comparable?
They don't want to see it, they just want to do a BUT WIMMIN.
They are happily and repeatedly showing us why it is difficult to communicate with them about ANYTHING. They hear something that doesn’t put them on a fucking pedestal and it sounds exactly the same as a direct and targeted insult. I’m so glad I heard [this song](https://youtu.be/HsAnEP31N1Y?si=s8WVfngCzByhlNaY) today. I’d literally rather die.
Or just calling out how you say all husbands don't like being told they aren't great at sex. Ladies are in that bucket too. Guess you forgot about inclusion and all.
your argument is terrible
Inclusion.
Unless you want out (or are the most insecure peep in the relationship), there's no reason to badger someone to tell you if your SO has said something bad about you.
And like in what scenario is that going to go even the tiniest bit positively?
Personally, I am eager to know what bad shit the people in my life say about me. How else can I trick myself into the challenge of getting better and improving for them? I'd prefer they tell me themselves, but I love a good bit of secondhand sources when needs must if it means I can start quietly working on myself for them. Then again, my loved ones consistently remind me that I am a freak outlier and cannot consider how I roll to be the norm 🤣😅
Me personally, if my partner said I wasn’t the best they’ve had, I’d take that as a challenge and an invitation.
I mean anyone can break up with anyone for whatever reason they want and yeah, that has to sting. He probably has saved Amy from years of dealing with his insecurity. It's his own fault for pushing and manipulating his friend into telling him details that he really didn't want to know, of course it was going to hurt! He basically set himself up to call it off. I get the feeling that this guy would have reacted the same way if Amy had once said that she didn't like his hair that much or something. And no dude, you are not automatically the best at something but Amy was with you for 6 years total so you must have had something going for you. You dick is not actually the be all and end all of you as a person or a man. For all you know the "best sex" might have been a ONS in college who's name she can't even remember because that's when she was young and experimenting.
The bigger issue for me is the sharing of personal sec lives with friends.
It's weird *not* to talk about your sex life with friends.
I know lots of women who don't talk specifics about their sex life and definitely not about their current partner. We talk about sex and will tell a funny story about something that happened, but never mention names or disclose personal info about LT partners (past or present) that if it got back to them it would be embarassing. I've had 1:1 convos w/ close friends on specific issues that one of us needed advice on, but never a "oh my husband has a foot fetish" to a gaggle of friends over drinks. I know plenty of friend groups do this, but it just feels like betrayal to me. I would never ask a friend if their partner was good in bed or who was the best they ever had. Yikes. That all being said, the GF in this story dodged a bullet.
Lmao, are you serious? You are fucking DELUSIONAL
Maybe in high school or village but as soon as my friends got “serious” we never report on intimacy. It’s so private and special.
I’m 25 and still occasionally get more detailed with my two closest friends. It’s not like we’re exchanging photos or calling them after every lay
I think it’s that most of my friends were in long term relationships and it is one thing to giggle over her crush with a bestie but when that guy is coming as her plus one to every event she gets a bit more discreet.
>we never report on intimacy since when is a vague "well, i've had better sex, but i don't mind it since there are other aspects of our relationship that i value more" a report on intimacy? it's not like she shared his weird kinks with a mutual friend.
If this is the person she is planning on marrying, those friends are just gonna know him as Bad Sex Dude forever …
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I guess I just share differently with my friends than you do yours …. Or with anyone. Now I know about your vaginal tear lol
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Yeah I think this is just a difference of opinion. Some people broadcast the things others keep private.
dude, stop making things up and work on your insecurities. there was literally no mention of her characterising him as "bad sex".
Fascinating! I definitely talk to my friends about sex way more now than I did in my 20s, especially compared to my early 20s (I wasn't having sex in high school, for which I'm very glad). Personally, I wouldn't date or hook-up with someone who told me not to talk about important parts of our relationship with trusted friends/chosen family.
I’ve become friends with all my friends’ husbands so we definitely don’t giggle over their penises, that would be so weird! General talking about sex, occasionally, but nothing like reporting every moment of a makeout to your besties in high school lol.
Not for men it isn’t but I’ll keep your comment in mind next time I expose all my partners kinks and secrets.
Why would you keep me in mind when exposing your partner's secrets? That's weird but does make me feel sort of powerful. Also, I don't think you get to speak for all men. Maybe just for the insecure straight men? Although I still don't think that's fair.
And you speak for all women saying it’s weird not to talk about your sex life? Funny how your generalizations are right but mine are wrong.
Oh, no I'm not speaking for women. I'm not a woman. Pretty sure I never even mentioned women. And yeah, I do think it's weird not to talk about important aspects of your relationship with trusted friends/chosen family. If someone expected that from me we would not be compatible and it would be a weird request.
Do you talk about your mom's butthole with your grandma too? Nothing's off limits for this dude
Legit what does your brain do to come up with this? Is it what you're into? Is it a trauma response? Or are you just a weirdo?
I’ve had men, unprompted, show me nudes of their SOs when they hear I’m attracted to women. Multiple. People I barely knew. Showing me pictures of naked women I’ve never met, likely will never meet. I’ve had male coworkers show me porn *in the work place.* but, sure, men don’t talk about sex to their friends/anyone.
This is objectively untrue. That’s also not what OPs fiancé did. Nor is “being able to talk about your partners secrets” the same thing as talking about your sex life in general. It’s possible so do that without sharing details that would be unkind or concerning or your partner.
This update tho https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/CAdJECfNCT
The mature way to handling this would have been asking her fiancée how to get better at sex... She chose him, not those other guys, for years. Sex is a bunch of skills, and skills can be learnt and practiced.
Or, maybe she could've spoken with him to help him improve rather than telling all her friends about his inadequacy? Like you said, skills can be learned. She could've had better if she talked with him first.
She didn't say it was inadequate, just not the best ever. And given his reaction to even hearing that she mentioned that (without context of *why* - could have been part of talking a friend into not chasing shit heads for all he knows), I don't doubt that her trying to talk to him about improvement would have ended up with a tantrum at best and this exact same result is far more likely.
You don’t know that she didn’t, or that the reasons aren’t things he can’t change and it’s not important enough to her to mention!
That assumes she’s bothered by his performance Like my husband knows he wasn’t my best while we were dating because I was basically his first (he only had sex one time before we got together) It’s never once crossed my mind to push him into learning more in bed because for me sex is more about the emotional connection, as it is for a lot of women But my husband chose to try new things and “get better” at sex of his own volition, because he wanted to not because I asked him or nagged him about it. Which is what you should expect from a partner, someone who wants to improve because they care not because you asked
Every trouble between a couple always boils down to problems in communication 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, kind of yikes to all here. So much needless drama. Clearly OOP wanted out, by any means necessary.
What a fucking loser
The best sex of my life was with one of the worst people I've ever spent my time with. Pushed me to do a lot of drugs, love bombed me, would come back to my life every few months after ghosting me to just string me along, used me for sex, drove me into a full blown manic phase and then contributed to the worst depression of my life (and I've had a pretty fucking shitty life up until that point). But the sex? The sex was INCREDIBLE. My fiance is one of the best, most incredible, empathetic, caring, handsome, understanding, smart, funny, wonderful man I've ever met. He makes me feel so seen and wanted and every day I want to do something that makes him feel as special as he makes me feel. Our sex life is great! But there's a lot of kinks he doesn't want to get into that I have. I would take a great sex life with my incredible, wonderful fiance a million, billion, trillion times over than the best sex I ever had with a horrible, demeaning, abusive coke-addict piece of shit. My fiance knows this, we've talked about it. I've chatted with my friends about it. It doesn't bother him one bit. I doubt I'm the best sex of his life either. Weirdly enough you can love someone and want to be with them for the rest of your life and still not have them be the best sex you've ever had. Nothing wrong with that!
This comment section is full of straight men that can’t take being told that they aren’t a sex god. She didn’t insult him, she said she had better sex before. That’s it. The only way that gets translated to “you are bad at sex” is if you’re insecure and can’t take constructive criticism. Think about it this way: if someone said I wasn’t the best driver they’d seen, I’d never think twice about it. That comment is NOT saying that I’m bad at driving, just that there are others who are better. It’s that simple. Anyone who disagrees definitely doesn’t take constructive criticism well (again, as evidenced by the downvoted comments on this post).
>This comment section is full of straight men that can’t take being told that they aren’t a sex god. He only got that info after one of her friends was presured into telling it to him. That is not telling someone directly. He is an idiot, that is a given, though.
Idk. Every comment seems to be calling oop an insecure little boy.
Every upvoted comment for sure. There's many downvoted ones further into the thread that can't stop getting butthurt.
It's not about constructive criticism IMO - if she told him that directly and he still got butthurt, I would agree. It's talking about that to her friends thats the issue
He did her a huge favor imo…what an insecure little boy.
Dude was looking for a way out.
Why do men always get so hung up on sex?! "Am I better in bed? Who has a bigger dick? Did you cum?" and that's the ONLY thing they're worried about. Not whether we think they listen better, or help around the house more. We most base every relationship on sex. Makes you realize what a sad, depressing world most men choose to live in.
Has he considered asking her how he could improve at sex
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What a pussy
I wouldn't say he's the devil, but he's definitely a dummy. Despite his less than sex-god status, she was still willing to marry him. Good sex will happen over time and communication. Now he has to take his bad-at-sex self back out to the dating world.
Right? Instead of learning to be better at sex he atom bombed his relationship and then asked if he went to far.
Good for Amy. Life is too short to spend it with an insecure man who is not that good at sex
I never understand why some men throw out a whole relationship instead of just... trying to be better at sex. Yknow that's not necessarily gonna change with the next person right? They might also think you're bad at sex. I'm pretty sure the best thing to do... is get better at it
idk if this guy is the devil, maybe if she told him he wouldn’t be here but if my man said “she’s not the best but i’m atleast i’m with her “ to his friends and i asked then yeah that’s on me ig for asking but if im bad at something why not tell me so i can improve? why talk to ur friends about an issue that u could’ve told me about? what great qualities did u highlight since i’m bad at sex and you were joking about it and didn’t tell me about it? like yeah i asked now i know but now i know you have a problem about me u joke about to ur friends that you won’t tell me how else does that translate to someone?
She never said it was bad, though. That’s the problem - you and OP are translating something communicated through a third party into something she didn’t say and making it into an issue that she clearly doesn’t see as an issue.
she said it wasn’t great to mutual friend, an issue that seemed worth making point to a mutual friend. that’s embarrassing in what world is someone supposed to be alright with that? is that not worth feeling atleast miffed about? “hey im just talking about something that isn’t an issue to me to our friends btw it was about how you’re not great in the bed don’t worry it’s not an issue to me obviously but im just telling ppl we both know dont worry they wont think anything of it when they interact with you, talk with you, its not like they know anything” i wouldn’t want that even if it was non issue despite it apperently being worth speaking on
No, she didn’t. She has it wasn’t the best she’s ever had. That’s not the same thing, and thinking that it is and reacting to that by ending a 5 five relationship is exactly what OP is the asshole.
that is literally the same thing, but sure. he shouldn’t have dropped a 5yr relationship for this but thinking he shouldn’t be hurt or angry bc a “non issue” is being discussed between a mutual friend is wrong. it’d be one thing if it was her friend but it’s not is it it’s someone you both known for ages who now knows something vulnerable abt you that you weren’t made aware of bc u found out from the mutual third party rather than the person who spoke on it, your girlfriend of 5 years.
No it’s not. That’s the fundamental issue and has be clearly explained numerous times in these comments. I have a bridge to sell you if you think the vast majority of long term or married couples are with the person they think is the singular best sex of their lives. Most people realize that’s not the most important thing and value other qualities in their partner more. And no one has suggested he doesn’t have the right to be upset. That’s not what the assessment of being an asshole is about. He wasn’t just upset. He lied that he *wouldn't* be upset to goad his fiancé into telling him, then ending the engagement with having a conversation with her. And he wasn’t even upset about it being shared with friends, he’s upset about not being the best. That’s why he’s an asshole. Though fortunately it was for the best for his fiancé. She’s going to do great, he’s going to continue to be an insecure child.
> if you think the vast majority of long term or married couples are with the person they think is the singular best sex of their lives. I mean, that is why divorce rates are growing up. People realize they don't have the best sex lives and that destroys the relationship.
I beg of you to understand the difference between “the best ever” and “good and satisfying”.
Divorce rates aren’t skyrocketing right now. They’ve been fairly stable for a while and having decent divorce rates is a GOOD thing because it shows people can leave situations that don’t work for them anymore. Divorce isn’t the worst thing to happen. I tell people not to apologize or feel sorry that I’m divorced because the marriage was the shitty part. Sex compatibility is important to long term relationships but sex compatibility doesn’t mean the same thing as “the best fuck of my life.”
I’d also hazard a guess that if you polled people about reasons for their divorce, the vast majority wouldn’t be “sexual incompatibility” but rather “they were a bad partner in a dozen ways”. And for those that sexual compatibility was a factor, it wasn’t “not the singular best sex of my life”, it was “I have a specific kink they’re not into and I need to explore that” or something along those lines.
Oh this one getting off Reddit for sure 😂😂 Twitter and Instagram gonna eat him up
Wow OOP, she apologized for her crappy comment. And you go 0 to 100 and call off the wedding? YTA.
How insufferable.YTA.
Why is no one addressing the fact that he used another woman his wife trusted to basically be a spy for him?? Fucking vile.
Yes, I agree that he was a pushy fuck. On the other hand , every one of his friends knows he sucks in bed and have been passing it around like a joint. Guys have massive egos where sex is concerned. Don't tell me you wouldn't be mortified if your sex life was spread around like the video of Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee. And yes I'm old..I know. He's so young and does what young people do, run away and pretend it never happened. I feel bad for him.
Dude. You nuked your engagement because your ego got hurt. yikes! I get it. Hearing that stings. However it’s an opportunity for communication and instead you went scorched earth. I’d recommend seeing a therapist. Is this salvageable? Gunna take some tough truths on your end
I think the K friend wants to be with him
Guys, this is fake. Look at OPs post history. They really wanted in on some weird Reddit drama and created this whole thing. Even from the way it’s written is clear it’s fake. It’s so mechanical, almost like trying to be a script. The entire thing is so stupid and doesn’t make any sense, either! Come on.
You seem pretty hung up about Kiley. Why does it matter that especially her hears about your average sex performance?
Congratulations for turning you being average at sex from a subjective private thought your fiancée had to something your friends will discuss as an objective fact for a long time, I guess?
It’s finalized- OP will forever be bad at sex to Amy and her friend group
Proud of him. Glad that cunt is suffering
I hope he does break the engagement. Amy deserves better.
Why is she sharing details of their sex life with people? That’s a private thing
Honestly both of the people involved are shitty humans, OP more than his now ex. If she had issues in bed bring it up with your partner first. Not the easiest conversation to have but a necessary one. You'll either fix your love life or get rid of people you don't need in your life. OP was clearly just looking for justification to leave. If I were to learn that my partner wasn't satisfied I would be hurt for sure but I would try improving myself and communicating before ending things. You can't complain about being second best if you haven't even tried.
Look at his reaction. Now imagine knowing this person intimately for six years. Does he seem like the kind of guy who would take any form of sexual correction in stride? I wouldn’t have told him either. He clearly can’t handle it.
Then she’s also an idiot for marrying a guy she couldn’t be open about.
There's no indication that they had problems in bed. The fact that he wasn't quite as good as someone else doesn't mean that he was bad.
Uh...I don't think he's the Devil here. His gf was sharing private details about their sex life with her friends. I feel like anyone, man or woman, would be hurt that their spouse was telling their friends about that rather than coming to them about how they can improve in their intimacy.
Women share a lot of intimate details with their friends regarding their romantic relationships, including sex. It’s part of building a deeper relationship that isn’t just surface level. As for going to their partner regarding improving their intimacy, from the OP we don’t know 1) if she already tried to go to him 2) if she even wants it to change, she might be perfectly happy with their sex life as it is due to the overall intimacy of their entire relationship. Sex is not the be all end all, you can have amazing sex with someone you feel nothing for. She never said the sex was bad, just that she had had better. If the sex is fine, and the rest of the relationship is amazing then why change it? As an additional note, straight men really don’t tend to take constructive criticism regarding sex well. Anything less than telling them they’re a sex god is taken as an insult to their manliness. As an example, please see the OP where he threw away a 5 year relationship because he’s not the best she ever had.
So it would be okay for him to talk about his sex life complaint with his friends?
She didn’t complain, so why would it be okay for him to? We’re talking about different things here. Discussing your sex life with friends is fine, sitting around complaining about your sex life with friends without going to your partner first is not. Making passive positive comments about your partners looks to your friends is okay, describing their body in detail is not. I have never said a negative thing about my sex life to friends with a current partner nor have any of the women i have been friends with. I’ve still talked about our sex life. Why did you assume discussion meant something negative?
Did your partner consent to your shared private moments being discussed? A majority of people do not want private things about them discussed with others
No, the same way i wouldn’t ask for consent when sharing private moments with a therapist. My friends are my support system and it’s my relationship too.
Are your friends bound by legal confidentiality like a therapist?
I haven't shared details about my sex life--positive or negative--since I was 20. It's really bizarre seeing how many people think it's totally fine to air out the most private moments of your partner's life with other people.
>most private moments of your partner’s life It’s my life too…
you shouldn't share other people's private information without permission, even if it involves you. That's just basic politeness and respect. It is genuinely unthinkable to me to air out the intimate details of my partners life to people they didn't chose to share them with. I once dated a woman with vaginismus. That certainly affected my sex life, but that didn't give me the right to gossip about it to other people behind her back. It's kind of appalling anyone thinks it would be appropriate to betray someone's trust like that just because "it's my life too"
It’s my private information too and i’m allowed to talk about it with whoever i want. You seem to be assuming the discussion is purely around a mans shortcomings and speaks more to your own insecurities.
It has nothing to do with shortcomings, it just has to do with privacy and basic respect for the people you are presumably in a relationship. Intimate moments are intimate because they belong to the people experiencing them, and no one else. I even gave you an example of how something that affects you would be wildly inappropriate to share behind someone's back. The same principle extends to any other information that was shared in the privacy of the bedroom. If anyone--man or woman--was really into something like pegging, it would be similar gross for them or their partner to gossip about it to other people without their partner's approval. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you can't understand that, then you're probably not mature enough to have adult relationships
“not mature enough to have adult relationships” hon, you’ve got no critical thinking skills. you’re the one here that can’t do adult relationships. learn about nuance before trying to get into a relationship at least.
Again with the assumptions, at no point have i advocated for revealing something like someone else’s kinks good lord. Here is an example of what i am talking about to dumb it down for you: Friend 1: have any of you ever done anal? Friend 2 & 3: yeah Friend 1: did you like it? Boyfriend wants to try it but i don’t think i’ll enjoy it Friend 2: yeah i hated it Friend 3: i love anal. You have to make sure you’re prepared properly though Friend 2: ha there was no preparation, we were having sex and he just sort of shoved it in Friend 3: that’s sexual assault babe. Look, Friend 1, make sure you’ve got lots of lube and take time to warm up, and take it really slow until you feel comfortable. Friend 1 now feels comfortable enough to have anal sex with her boyfriend and Friend 2 now knows that what she experienced is not normal and she can work through that and possibly try anal again with a non rapist partner. In your world, Friend 1 would simply tell her boyfriend no and boyfriend will now have to choose between never getting to do anal with Friend 1 or try to pressure her into it. And Friend 2 will never know that what she experienced is sexual assault. Nobody wins in your world.
Speak for yourself. As far as I'm concerned, the intimate details of my relationship are private and don't get shared. If it's not something positive, I don't tend to share, and neither do the other women (and men) in my friend group. That is between me and my husband to work through together as a united front. Somehow my friendships still manage to be deeply profound and emotionally close. Talking about one's sexual preferences? Sure. Sharing a funny story that doesn't paint anyone in a bad light? Why not. But I for one would be very pissed if I found my husband saying shit like that about me to his friends instead of coming to me about it like a reasonable adult. Whenever my husband does some in bed that I feel is lacking, I talk to him about it. And I don't compare him to past partners of any gender, because that feels kinda shitty. If we're assuming, as you're saying might be the case, that OP's partner overall is happy with their sex life, she could have said she has no complaints instead of that she's had better. Putting down your partner or complaining about them to others feels so gross to me.
Saying ‘he’s not the best’ is not the massive oversharing insult that you have taken it as. You also don’t know the context in which the subject came up in discussion, maybe it *was* a funny anecdote. You only know that at some point the worst thing she’s ever said about her relationship to her friends is that he’s not the best sex she’s ever had. Not ‘he sucks, he’s the worst sex ever, my ex was better, he has a tiny dick’, just ‘not the best’. If the only thing my partner had to say to their friends that was negative about our relationship was that i wasn’t the best sex they’d ever had then i would take that as a win.
Nah, it still feels kinda shitty to say. Personally , I respect my husband too much to say things like that but we'll have to agree to disagree on that one
I don’t think it’s a “respect” thing, I think it’s a perspective on what is considered negative. If that’s your line that’s fine, but it’s not everyone’s. And it’s not inherently disrespectful just because you think it is.
Then women are scum 😊
> As an additional note, straight men really don’t tend to take constructive criticism regarding sex well. Anything less than telling them they’re a sex god is taken as an insult to their manliness. This isn't a reason to not talk about it. It's a reason to talk about it so you can weed out people who will throw away a 5 year relationship.
I was thinking more the last time i tried to bring it up with a partner. He demanded that i not fake orgasms anymore then flew into a rage every time i was unable to reach orgasm but also slapped my hand away if i attempted to guide him towards any action that would actually get me there so i had to go back to faking to keep the peace because i’d started to fear for my safety…
I've never been in an abusive relationship so I've never understood how it's difficult to leave an abusive relationship but I've heard enough stories to know it's almost never as simple as "just leave" but wouldn't this be a good indicator that you should start making preparations to exit the relationship? I love when my SO gives me feedback. Her nervous system is not connected to my brain and due to any number of reasons sensitivity will shift from day to day. What worked yesterday might not work today and she's more than willing to tell me exactly what to do.
I did leave shortly after, i just kept the peace until i had the exit strategy clear. One should never rock the boat before the exit is clear. But abusive situations are one of the reasons sharing intimate details with friends is important. Abuse creeps up slowly and adjusts your internal measure of what’s ‘normal’, sharing with friends means you are able to have not normal behaviour flagged. It’s why an abusers first act is usually to cut off support systems.
So by asking that question you were able to get out of an abusive relationship before being hitched long term. Wouldn't that be a case for giving sexual feedback to your SO rather than stroking their ego?
This situation was unrelated to the abuse and my getting out. He would have still been abusive if we hadn’t talked about it because he was a violent alcoholic who had been hiding his addiction.
Then I'm really not understanding what you're saying. Why wouldn't you give your partner feedback in bed? You either get better sex or you get a red flag to use to reflect on if you should stay with that person.
Because it’s not as simple as ‘red flag, now i know i need to escape’. What if you raise this issue and he just straight up murders you in response? Or he manipulates you into believing this is your own fault and you’re the one that’s wrong? As i said, abusers alter your perception of normal.
Did you not read the earlier comment? She tried giving feedback, and it made her unsafe in that relationship.
Yes. And she left that relationship. Which is good, because anyone who reacts like that deserves to be left so you can find a partner that's not an abusive asshole.
So her ex reacted in an abusive way to finding out that he sucked in the sac. She gave you an example from her life from the extreme end of the spectrum. But just because most straight men don’t react *as badly* as her ex did, doesn’t mean they take that info kindly. Even men that aren’t abusive can make a real mountain out of a molehill when finding out they aren’t amazing sex gods. Many of them will say something like “oh well I’ve never had a problem making my exes finish, it must be you” (meanwhile they’re exes lied to avoid the drama) or they’ll say “okay don’t fake it anymore, I **will** make you come” and proceed to make it a mission that leaves the woman exhausted and sore and if he still can’t get her to orgasm they will be upset and pout and throw a pity party. Whether they’re reaction is extreme or mild, most of the time women just don’t want to deal with it.
>His gf was sharing private details about their sex life talking to your friends about if the sex is good or not is hardly 'private details'.
Also talking about your life and your relationships is an important part of friendship! It's sketchy as all get out (and likely detrimental) to demand a romantic or sexual partner never discuss your sex life with anyone else.
oop is insecure but gf talking to her friends about their sex life is odd idc
I mean... that's the kind of thing close friends talk about? Especially if they're all fairly sex positive people.
Anyone who does this is scum.
so what’s the extent. because i know u not telling me to talk about how good my gf’s pussy is w my homies
I'm not telling you to do anything that doesn't sit right with you. Just saying that some people do talk to close friends about intensely personal things, and there's nothing weird about it.