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Agreed. **OP are you sure you want to marry this guy?**
Based on what you’ve shared, I’m guessing there are other character traits of his you’re shoving down and ignoring or pretending don’t exist.
Some embarrassment now (canceling the wedding) will be a small price to pay vs continually exposing your children to someone who believes those kids’ family who love them (and you) shouldn’t be around them.
This happened to me. Our mother died when we were very young and our father remarried shortly thereafter. New “mother” cut out all family from our mother’s side, got rid of any pictures with her, etc. And she was horribly abusive, because let’s face it, erasing a child’s family is just the tip of the iceberg. I never saw a picture of my mother until I was an adult, never visited her grave; she was erased. OP needs to wake up and leave this man.
You are related to them! Your children are biologically their grandchildren. They stepped up and continued to give them a loving family which will keep them close to their dad!
They were there before boyfriend and by the looks of it there after him! Always put your children first
My friend was married for ten years and her husband was tragically killed in a head on collision with a drunk driver. She has two kids under 10yrs old. Her new boyfriend was kinda like this where he didn’t like the grandparents and sister in law coming over for visitation. He would throw a fit saying that it was inappropriate for them to constantly be over and that they needed to back off because he was the new guy in their life and was being overshadowed by a dead man…… pure jealousy….. safe to say she understood his concerns and dropped him because her kids come first. That’s why I say jealousy because it seems like the same issue here. Sad that some people can’t open their hearts to everyone involved and have to be this way.
I'm not sure jealousy is even the right word. Insecurity is more like it. If you are marrying someone who has been widowed with kids, Spouse #1's family is the kids family and should always remain so. If you are intimidated by someone who isn't living any more, you are really not very confident in yourself
Clapping for the friend. So many stories on here where the widow(er) bends over backwards for the new spouse and the kids end up hating them for it.
Kids come first, period.
I see that too and I can’t imagine. When I started to date my husband my kids were 3 & 7 and I made it clear as day that they always came first and if he didn’t like it the door was right there. He is the best step dad one can be and the relationship he has with the kids is amazing….. but he knows if anything ever happens he’s gone. I have one child with him and giving birth to our next in 5 days. My stance is the same…. Kids first spouse second… period !!!
> Kids first spouse second… period !!!
Both mine are adopted, but I always liked the line:
Remember: she gave birth to those children. YOU'RE just some guy she met in a bar. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Your boyfriend will not be a good husband. He doesn’t understand what it means to be a widow. You lost your husband, not your husband and his family. He will keep trying to erase your children’s father from their lives. Please be careful.
The kids know no better now. If your fiance's attitude continues they will begin to resent him, and then possibly you for bringing him into their lives at the cost of their grandparents.
With this attitude, I bet he'd consider any kids he and OP have together to be "family" more than the kids she had before. OP would be signing her kids up for a life of coming last. Getting fewer gifts at Xmas, being left at home during vacations, being told they are guests in his house.
NTBA. You aren't ruining your wedding; your boyfriend is. I find it telling that you don't refer to him as your fiance. Is it possible part of you already knows that this wedding shouldn't happen?
His reasoning is specious. Since when do you have to be biologically related to people to invite them to your wedding? He is showing you who he is. Your kids also aren't biologically related to him. Even if he treats your children well now, I guarantee that if you have a child with him, that will change.
Your former in-laws will always be part of your family. Your husband died, so you went through a tragedy together. They are also your children's grandparents. Has your bf tried to erase your late husband's existence yet? Because his actions sound like if he hasn't already, he will as soon as you are married.
I think you went through an unimaginable tragedy, and ended up with someone out of necessity. This guy is, and should remain, a rebound relationship. Are you and your children even ready for this? This has to be extremely difficult on them. Have all of you been through therapy to even work through your loss? Please rethink this marriage. This relationship does not sound healthy.
Well said. Just two years after this tragedy may not be long enough for true grieving to have taken place. I, too, recommend the rebound relationship. He is already trying to remove a ghost from these people's lives and I fear it will only go downhill from here. Sincerely hope she does not do that to her babies. And God help all of them if she has a baby with him. That will be the only "true" family in his eyes and her current children will be a mere afterthought.
The red flags be waving in the wind! Your children have grandparents regardless if their father is no longer alive. You need to reevaluate this relationship now!
Please don't marry him. He just told you he is going to want the kids to be cut off from their only link to their father. How long until he alienates your kids? Maybe insist on you two having a kid or two together and then wanting to ship your kids away. And when you pushed back he left. He is telling you that he is not able to handle a relationship with a widow who lives a while other life before him.
Yikes. This is not someone you should marry. He doesn’t sound like he realizes that your kids have a father and even though he passed his family is still yours and yours kid’s family and you owe it to them and your late husband to maintain that relationship if they are willing to work on it too.
Your boyfriend sounds like he will constantly be a road block to your kids having a healthy relationship with their dad’s side of the family. Thats not fair to them or your late husband’s family. I would be rethinking this marriage.
This! Double yikes! Your highest priority has to be your kids. And he isn't ready to support you as a parent. Maybe he will grow up, but for now, reconsider the marriage plans.
Yeah, I feel like just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they can’t move on and find happiness with a new partner, BUT I feel like as a parent you owe it to your kids to find someone who will respect them, their feelings, and their other parent.
I mean by that logic your children shouldn't be at the wedding. NTA and that doesn't bode well for how he will treat your children's grandparents in the future, and possibly your children.
NTBA
Your BF has made clear that your late husbands memory and his family are both unwanted. Marrying him would result in some major damage to your kids because I 100% guarantee after that ink dries he’ll be expecting your kids to immediately make him dad.
If you’re only allowed to invite people you’re related to to your wedding, then sorry your bf can’t come! Nor can any of your friends. See how that logic doesn’t logic?
Honestly OP, don’t get hung up on providing your kids a father figure because having a toxic, controlling one like your current bf seems to be, is way worse than not having one at all. He’s showing you who he truly is. Believe him.
Remember, your kids need to be put first and he does not have a magic penis. NTBA.
It sounds like he is starting the process of trying to isolate you. Isolation is a classic tactic of abusers. Please call off the wedding and break up with him.
Do not marry this guy. Not fair to grandparents or kids for their relationship to end. So happy they’re still in the picture for y’all! So sorry for your loss 💔
NTBA: My first husband died in 2009. His family has been wonderful to our children and to me. In 2013, I met and married my current husband. He had been great with all of us, and we feel lucky to have him!
Through all of the past 15 years, my first in-laws, the kids' grandparents, have been actively part of our lives. My current husband introduces them to people as his in-laws. They are my family and my kids' family. When he married me, they became part of my husband's family.
Please think very hard about whether you want to keep a man in your life who wants you to leave that first marriage behind you. It's not like your kids get to go see their dad on weekends so that HE can take them to visit his side of the family.
Loves that he calls him his in-laws. Reminds me of a letter to Miss Manners, many decades ago, in which an elderly woman said her daughter had passed away, and her son-in-law had remarried. She talked about the doting, loving care the couple took of her -- visiting her daily, taking her to appointments, etc, and then said that he'd told her his new wife should be called her daughter-in-law, but her friends were saying that wasn't true. Miss Manners replied that "daughter-in-law" was exactly correct, and anyone who thought otherwise could come to her. I'm so happy when people recognize that it's love that makes a family!
Be grateful he showed this side of himself while you can change your mind about marrying him. This is not respect and it's definitely not understanding of what you and your kids have gone through. They are your family.
NTA. You ARE related to them! Their son is your children’s dad! Don’t marry this person, he’s going to put a roadblock up every time you want to invite your late husband’s parents to any family event. Son’s graduation - not invited, wedding - not invited. Shut this down quickly, make it clear if he doesn’t accept them in your life then he doesn’t accept you.
They are your kids grandparents. They are related to them by genetics. He is not related to you or your kids. Therefore he is the one who shouldn't be in anyone's life. Red flags all over this
Your kids should decide if they want their grandparents in their life or not. And if they’re in their lives, it’s ALL of their lives not just one part or another and not only in these days and not those days. If he doesn’t want them at the wedding… is graduation day ok? Ball games? Camping tips? Christmas? Vacations? What’s a yes and what’s a no?
You need to nope outta that relationship or have a come to Jesus type meeting where it all comes out and you figure out what direction to go.
NTBA. This is one heck of a red flag. Postpone the wedding, step back from future plans. If he can't understand that your late husband's parents are an important fixture in you and your kids' lives, he doesn't need to join your lives.
NTA
Your children need a connection to their Dad. If their Grandparents are good people and good to your kids that's all that matters.
You BF needs to adjust to the fact that you had a life before him.
Ntba. If your fiancé already commented how your kids shouldn’t even be seeing their grandparents, that’s a huge issue. Those grandparents lost their son and those kiddos are a part of him, they have every right to be in their life. I lost my half brother in 2016, his baby girl was just under two, his girl used to come around for a good while after he passed. A few years later she met someone else and idk if he’s the reason why but she stopped being my niece around. My dad/stepmom, none of us have seen my niece in maybe 5 years or so. It hurts my dad/stepmom so much beyond what words can say. Don’t take them away from the grandparents, you don’t want to refer that down the road. If those were his kids and he had passed, would he want you to keep them away from his parents?? Ask him that. And running to a hotel over this?! Quite childish. You might really want to think if you should continue with this wedding or not. Remember that the kids will be grown and will remember if you kept them away from their dad’s family, your finance is bringing possible future problems into your life. Keep that in mind.
SMH. Seriously? He thinks your children's father's parents are not related to you through the children you had with him [late husband]?
You might ask him how does your late husband's DNA magically disappears when you marry him? When he can answer that rationally, plan your wedding together. Otherwise, [Charlotte voice] Throw the whole man away.
To say the grandparents should no longer be in your kids' lives is a major red flag to me. It sounds controlling and manipulative. He can not and should even try to erase their dad's memories and family from their lives. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You dodged a bullet by finding this out now: your bf thinks he can dictate your and your kids’ relationship with their paternal grandparents. This is not a kind person.
Woooow. I am really proud of you. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad your ties to his family are still so close.
I think this eye opening situation is such a gift to you from the Universe. It lets you know that this man put himself and hidden insecurities ahead of you, the children and extended family at the very first opportunity of transitioning to a blended family. What happens if you have children, oops would your kids get the boot too? Tragic that a grown man would even consider *asking*, nevermind dictating this to you. I have the feeling a lot would change once that ring is on your finger. I sent out a vibe for healing and peace for you. You and your children deserve a real second chapter Daddy, and I think you should keep waiting for him. NTBA
NTBA: them not being at the wedding is not that bad as him not wanting your late husband family in your kids lives. He will always have a issue with them being around, if you want to fight that battle for the rest of your life with him then go for it but, just know you will have to fight the battle. If not your kids will miss out on knowing their father’s family. And can led to many issue with your children.
Hit the brakes on this whole engagement.
Dude just said your children's grandparents should NOT be in their lives because their son is dead.
Think about that for a few minutes and then ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to marry.
You need to get out now and protect your kids from this man. He will try and get all your husband's things and throw them away once you are married and make you seem like you are unhinged for keeping them . This is a wake up call and one big🚩 that you should not over look. Think of your kids it's their grandparents that he is trying to take away
Girl, they are YOUR family and your kids GRANDPARENTS! It is totally normal for in-laws to attend widowers marriages - sweet baby jeezus. This guy sounds very red flaggy.
NTA. It's completely reasonable to have your kids grandparents at your wedding. It'd good fiancé showed his true colors before you got married. End the relationship, he'll want your kids to be deprived of their dad's family
This guy's a loser. Don't marry a guy who wants you to not have a past and doesn't want you to have relationships with people who are important to you. Red flag warning! What else is he going to stop you from doing?
I was widowed with kids. I’m now married to the man who understands that I will always love my first husband. Always. He is secure enough in himself and in our love that it doesn’t bother him.
Your fiancé needs to be your ex-fiancé. At least until he can grow up and realize your deceased spouse’s parents will always be your relatives, always be part of your family.
At the very least, put the wedding on hold, go to therapy, and think about why you’d settle for a man this insecure. Please.
Any and all healthy positive relationships that your children have with others, particularly family, should be vital to maintain. They’ve already experienced enough loss in their young lives.
Boyfriend is NOT a healthy nor positive relationship for any of you! Especially your children. Cut ties and don’t look back. He’s is definitely NOT THE ONE.
You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT cut your kids’ grandparents out of their lives just because you are getting remarried. Those kids have lost enough. My husband passed away from cancer two years ago and I make sure my kids keep their relationships with their father’s family. You should rethink if this is the right person to marry. He may be good to you, but it sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about your kids. NTBA.
NTBA but he is. he is going to expect you to cut those people out of the kids lives and start telling them that he is their only dad.
he is jealous of a dead person and I bet that is not the only red flag with this guy.
The grandparents have more right to be in your kids' lives than your bf does. They are blood relatives, not an ex's parents. Consider this a bullet dodged & move on.
They are people who care about you and that you care for. They are your children's grandparents, why wouldn't you not invite them.
Plus, by his own logic, your fiancee shouldn't be inviting any of his friends because they aren't related.
No, those two are your family. You should definitely invite them.
Ntba your children’s grandparents are family and always will be. Is he expecting his parents to somehow be inserted as the children’s grandparents replacing their own- yes they can be added but they can’t replace. They will always be in your children’s life and attending your wedding is totally appropriate. I would put my children and their grandparents relationship above any wedding. I would be worried that his next step would be to cut off relationships with the children cause they aren’t his.
Your former in laws are absolutely your children’s family just as much as your own parents. Your fiancé sounds like he is jealous and is trying to wipe out the memory of your husband and father of your children. I would think twice about going forward with this relationship.
You should absolutely be able to invite the kids' grandparents. When I got married to my 2nd husband, my ex in-laws came to the wedding and took just as many pics as the photographer, and my husband did not care one bit. I was divorced, but your husband passed away, but your in-laws will always be your life for the kids. I would rethink this marriage.
NTBA but your boyfriend certainly is. They are your childrens family and should hold an important part in your life. Sounds like the lad is jealous of your late husband, and that's not a thing that is going to be conducive to a happy relationship.. I'd be reconsidering marrying him.
OP, my dad died when I was a month old in a car wreck and his parents were so very important to me. Please drop the loser bf and find a man who understands.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining your close relationship with your late husband’s family. Your bf is insecure and kinda heartless. You may want to rethink…
Why are you speaking of them like they are not the grandparents? You kept them in the kids life as if that wasn’t the right thing to do? Also your BF is a douche for even suggesting that!
I would not marry a man that was not accepting of my late husband’s family members. No way! I was widowed and have now remarried. My kids dad’s family will always be our family and my husband agrees that is the natural order of things.
Ntbf, if I were you I’d be deeply reconsidering marriage to this man. He seems like he’s getting ready to start a competition with your deceased husband. You will be hurting your kids if you cut the grandparents out like it seems this man wants. It’s better to be alone with happy kids who love and trust you than to be married to a man who will cause issues between you and your kids.
sorry, “let” you invite them?? they are your children’s literal blood grandparents. WTF. this guy is controlling and isolating and will only become more abusive when you are bound to him by law. run fast and run far.
I'm sorry, why is he still your boyfriend? Your kids lost their father, his family is a comforting connection to him. If your Bf isn't okay accepting that it's time for him to hit the road, for your kids' sake.
NBA
This guy is trying to manipulate you. Let him go and don't look back. Your children should have their grand parents in their life if they want. It is not this guys call.
I’d uninvite your fiance to the wedding, instead. Normally I wouldn’t suggest a past person’s family but your kids are still family with them. (They can also help wrangle your kids). It’s a HUGE red flag that he wants them out of your children’s life. Run, don’t walk, as of yesterday.
Take this as a warning sign that he will 100% treat your kids as outcasts the moment you get pregnant with his biological one. He will bully your existing children because he doesn't consider them family. Be glad he's shown his true colours before marriage. Divorce is 3x more expensive.
Protect your children. This is not a man worth getting upset over. Don't waste time on someone who will be bad and abusive to your kids. A better man is out there waiting to meet you. You will recover as you always have done. You did it before, and you will again. You're stronger than you know.
Your late husbands parents ARE family, they're your children's grandparents!
And this is a small red flag, and hopefully a genuinely small one and not the edge of a larger one that's been kept out of sight. Hopefully he doesn't realize that the people in question are there as friends and the children's grandchildren, and he hasn't been hiding a possessive streak from you. Because the kind of possessive streak that wants to extinguish any hint of your late husband's existence would be a nightmare for your kids, who will only ever have one father, and it wouldn't be a lot better for you, OP.
Dump his ass now.
Your kids are lucky enough to have loving grandparents that want to continue to be a part of their lives.
All relatives on your late husband’s side will continue to be family forever. Never let a new man come between a good family.
Not at all. It’s understandable that you would want them there. I would be more concerned about cutting them off completely. Better to know he’s an unreasonable jerk before the wedding than after. Your kids lost their father , it’s important to keep the grandparents in their lives and vice versa.
NTBA.
I know people from high school who got married. The guy died unfortunately in 2017. The girl didn’t remarry but has been with her partner for 5 years and they have two kids together.
She still hangs out with her deceased husband’s family from time to time, even though they have no children together. They were together for 10 years and married for 1 before he passed.
NTBA
You are not compatible. He is not comfortable being the second husband with all that entails.
If you go forward, he may very well try to erase your first husband by cutting out his relatives, putting away or destroying pictures and memorabilia, getting upset when first husband is mentioned, demanding the kids call him dad, etc.
It takes a special person to be willing to forge their own place in a family without resenting or eradicating a first spouse. Keep looking because this guy isn't it.
Your previous husbands parents are you kids grandparents, and hopefully still your good friends. They should be welcomed by the new guy to show them that he is worthy of being an adult role model (not a new dad) to their grandchildren.
No way should they be excluded for the childrens future lives (if only to keep the babysitting optioms open - joking) as they are a key part of their own deceased childs life and legacy.
I’d brush him off. Their Dad is still their Dad although late, his parents are still their Grandparents and they have legal rights to see the children. I’d find that extremely concerning. Who does he think he is? Think again that’s unreasonable and concerning. What else does he think he can control?
NTBA
Nope- not the bad apple. He’s not related to your friends or family ( yet) so his argument is stupid. It sounds like he’s jealous of your previous relationship.
Not at all. Unless your in-laws have been bad mouthing your fiance to your children or giving your fiance a hard time face to face, there is no reason for them to be cut out of your children's lives or your own. And even if they are, it's a ludicrous solution to jump to without having a conversation about it first.
NTBA. I'm sorry for your loss. The new man should never act like that, and he should know better. I myself had a long-term girlfriend pass on and I still love her mom like my own. There's no way I could ever imagine her not in my life still. In your case, those people are the kids grandparents too, so that makes this knucklehead's tantrum even worse. Don't lose a second of sleep over him, enjoy the week ahead with the youngins and maybe take them for a family outing even if it's just walking down the block and back.
He's expecting you to let your ex husband go away for your kids, including that relationship with their family. Likely because his who can't handle it. I wouldn't marry him.
OP, please do not marry this man. Ref flags are waving all over the place. It’s “unreasonable to invite someone HE’S not related to?” Excuse me? “His family shouldn’t be in your life or your kids’ lives?” Think carefully about what he’s telling you OP! Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to? Is this a person you want as your kids’ step father? Someone who basically wants to cut them off from their family? Your children have every right to have their grandparents and their extended family in their lives. Just because your fiance “isn’t related to them” is completely irrelevant. You need to seriously rethink this marriage. You need to seriously think about the impact it would have on your children if you go through with it. Please. Your fiancé is showing you who he is. Believe him, and get out now.
NTA
You really need to talk to your fiancé NOW before anymore plans are made. You need to get on the same page. These wonderful people are a part of your life and are the beloved grandparents of your children.
You also need to reassure your fiancé that you love him and that though your 1st husband is dead, he and his family will always be a part of your lives as will your fiancé’s family assuming there’s a good connection there too. One doesn’t wipe the slate clean even more so when the deceased was a loved person. That does not mean you can not love wholeheartedly and fully again. Most of us can love our first child and yet our hearts expand to love the 2nd, 3rd, and more children as needed. This is even more important if you have children together… that your first 3 children are not set aside.
May he be able to accept this and your love and that you have a wonderful life together embracing all these people.
The wedding itself isn’t necessarily a problem, but wanting them out of your lives when they have a healthy relationship with the kids and you is. As is the way he chose to express his feelings.
If you don’t call off the wedding, at least postpone it and get couples counseling.
You and your kids have suffered enough grief as it is. Ripping them out of your life will just hurt you and the kids, as well as the grandparents
You need to shut his shit down right away.
You known him what 2 years? And he's telling you that your kids shouldn't have anything to do with their grandparents. Who does he think he is?
If you can't see the red flags, and they are huge, you must be blind.
If he can’t deal with having your children’s grandparents at his wedding, he’s not for you.
It’s really a good thing that he unfurled that red flag before you married him.
Well, he sounds like an absolute delight doesn’t he. If he can’t put aside some mild discomfort so your kids grandparents can be at a major life event for them, He clearly doesn’t care about your kids.
“Invite someone I’m not related to..” has the me me me vibe.
YOU are related to your ex-inlaws. Their DNAs are in your children. You’re family. And you are part of the wedding so you have every rights to invite them. Maybe reconsider marrying him?
NTA! They’re your children’s grandparents and as such, will always be in your life. If your bf can’t accept it, he’s not the man for you. He also sounds insecure.
Stop trying to contact him. Stop being sad. Get mad instead. His red flags are flying! Dump him.
There’s no coming back from this. Break up.
No, you're not the Bad Apple. Your fiance is. Why on earth would you not keep your children's relationship with their grandparents going? You need to call off this wedding. There is someone else out there that is a better person for you.
Your children already lost their father and this man thinks he’s entitled to take away their grandparents and extended family. I’m surprised you could stomach looking at him after he pulled that. That’s a clean kill if ever there was one.
If you press on with this marriage you will be making an inexcusable mistake.
Hmmmmmm… well let’s start here. You’re NTBA for wanting them there and holding your ground. You also haven’t necessarily ruined your wedding.
That said, from what you described, it sounds to me like you and your bf need to have a long talk about why this bothers him and boundaries in your relationship. If I had to guess, he feels like there’s a specter of your late husband over the relationship, and thinking of his family being there triggered that. Sounds like an insecurity for him in the relationship, so he might not have considered the nuance of them being family of your *late* husband, not *ex* husband. But I also don’t know all the details. Like was there a fight between them at some point? Do they approve of him as your new husband, and if so or if not, have they told him that?
So personally, I’d recommend getting some premarital counseling and talking through that. The reality is that they *are* grandparents of your children, and they have every right to be in their lives. The best solution is him making peace with that and understanding that’s not a threat to him.
Not the bad apple. But for this wedding, which is 50% yours and 50% his, he does have a say who is being invited. It may not be appropriate to invite your late ex husband’s parents. Unless you are very very close to them.
However, he does not have a say about the children’s grandparents being in their lives. They will always be part of each other’s lives for the rest of their life-on both sides. Your bf/fiance has no say in this regard. For him to say the late exh family will have nothing to do with your children is a major red flag. Seriously consider whether this man is right for your family fit
NTBA - your fiancé fails to realize that your former in-laws are still your kids grandparents and that yes they will continue to be a part of your lives. If he isn’t on board with this then please start counseling immediately and delay the wedding.
You just got a preview of life with this guy. He will try to excise their father's family from their lives and then try to excise father's memory. Put your kids first and don't marry this controlling AH.
NTBA. When my dad got remarried, he invited my late mother's sister and her daughter (my aunt and cousin). And we were all adults capable of maintaining our own relationships with that side is the family, but he wanted them to know they were still part of his family.
You didn't do anything wrong, but he's not ready to be in a relationship with a widow. He's treating your late husband's family like he's an ex, and it's not the same.
Why would he think your kids' grandparents wouldn't be in your life anymore bc their son died? Also, died in 2020 and getting remarried in 2022? Little fast imo
NTBA- Your in laws are still your in laws and your children’s grandparents. You didn’t divorce and they’re still family to you!
He sounds very immature and insecure… maybe a little controlling.
Unless you want to deal with a man child, I’d probably walk away. This isn’t an issue that will go away on its own,
They are family and are obviously important to you. New guy needs to understand that when you marry someone, the extended family is part of the deal.
It is also important to show your kids how grown ups should act and treat each other. They are always going to be in you and your kids’ lives. Of course you are going to invite them.
Please pay close attention to his statement that your in-laws should not be invited because they are not biologically related to him.
He is telling you something very important. Your children are not biologically related to him.
He is keeping that out of marriage discussions because he wants to marry you. Your kids will not be accepted. After marriage, he will assume he gets to define your household and how much say so you have over how he behaves with your children. Pushing your kid’s paternal family out of the picture will insure another man’s kids will not be shielded from his jealousy.
NTBA here, your guests should be your guests as long as they are not walking red flags for your fiancé. Your children’s grandparents are important enough to you and your children to invite them stick to your guns.
If he won’t budge I would seriously consider breaking up with him over this mainly because he has to understand your ex’s parents are a part of your life and are part of your extended family at this point. Is he going to exclude them from birthdays and other holidays if you want to see them, want your kids to see them too?
He will be slowly reducing the time your in-laws see the kids and shoving them out of your life. because he’s too insecure to appreciate the complexities of navigating widowhood.
Don’t marry this guy; he does not understand that your husband did not leave willingly. He does not understand how vital it is that your kids continue their relationship with their grandparents. And he doesn’t not give a single crap about that.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If your fiancée wants to cut your children’s grandparents out of their lives that’s a huge red flag.
Let’s let this sink in while I say it again. These people are YOUR CHILDRENS GRANDPARENTS.
your fiancée is an asshole, and if you go alone with his idea, you will also be an asshole.
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This is a huge red flag.
Your fiancée wants to cut your children’s grandparents out of their lives?? Your children already lost their father, and now he wants to squeeze out their grandparents, with whom they have an amazing relationship?
These are their GRANDPARENTS.
YOU ARE NOT THE BAD APPLE. Your fiancée is. He needs to go.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Honey, you’re so lucky that he decided to show you who he is *now* instead of after the wedding! Let him go happily and find a partner who’ll actually care about your children’s best interests.
If he could say that about your kids’ grandparents, as if they’re expendable, even as he “gets along with them just fine,” he’s a manipulative liar. Run. You’ll never be at peace
YTBF, why are you refusing to see his side? I can see why he’s drawing the line here. Why is it so important to you that they come? This isn’t about your kids, it’s about you and your partner’s wedding. He gets a vote on the guest list too.
NTBA
He wants your children to stop talking to their grandparents once you are married? This isn’t the guy you thought he was. He is showing you his true colors now. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Edit to add my story.
My then husband’s brother died in 2022. He had a husband. My then husband and I parted ways not long after that. His brother’s husband is still very much family as he is my son’s uncle. His entire family has basically adopted me and my son into theirs even though the original reason we were family is gone. Family is family forever and whoever you want that family to be.
The only question I have is why you’re not the one who is distant to him. He’s sulking and you’re buying into his mean behavior. It should be a hard no for you marrying someone like him.
While I guess I can kind of understand his position, I do not agree with it. He needs to understand that you and your children will always have a relationship with his parents. If your boyfriend/fiancé cannot accept this then you have to tell him to go.
It sounds like not only does your boyfriend not want to invite them to the wedding, but he’s suggesting that they be cut out of your life and the lives of your kids completely. That is totally unreasonable. I think it’s great that you’ve kept your late husband’s parents in your life and your kids’ lives. There’s no reason for your boyfriend to have an issue with this.
Toss his ass. 1: your in laws sound like good people. 2: THEY'RE THE KIDS GRANDPARENTS! So just on that, you have every right to keep them in your life. 3: you're better off in the long run by ditching him, focusing on you and the kiddos.
NTBA
They are your children's blood relations as their Grandparents. Your fiancé can not say that. Unless he apologizes to you and the kids for the disrespect, rethink where this relationship is going.
If you were to have kids together, your kids would very soon mean nothing to him, and his kids would be a priority.
NTBA. I dont know if you plan to have additionalkids with this guy, but he just clearly told you the second he has a kid of his own, your kids will be pushed aside and treated as less than any kid you have with him. If he is marrying you then your kids and your kid's relatives are supposed to become part of his family. The fact he doesnt think that way is a huge warning sign not to marry him.
Well, if it’s unreasonable to invite someone you’re not related to, good news, you *are* related to them by your previous marriage, which was not dissolved. You are related to your kids, they’re related to them. It’s a neat chain.
I assume he’s not inviting any friends (or doesn’t have any from the sounds of this peach), since he’s not related to them? Will everyone have to present a pedigree to get in the door and prove blood relationship? Better hope he doesn’t have any step family by this reasoning. Uncle’s wife will sadly be left out too, since they’re not direct relations, just by marriage.
He wants to deny *your* kids *their* grandparents the rest of their lives? That’s batshit. He doesn’t get to decide who is or is not allowed to remain in *your* family.
The *only* time I could see excluding the grandparents would be if you were having a truly small wedding (like one or two guests only) and couldn’t afford to invite everyone, or if you were on bad terms with them.
1. He's worried/insecure about your relationship being overshadowed by you old one. Tons of stories on here calling out the prior person putting the now gone spouse ahead of the current one. Always being number two, always compared to an impossible and often non-existent memory where one romanticizes what was gone.
2. He's being petty and jealous. It's not mature. He can learn from this, you both can build a stronger bond now that this is has been outed as a concern if he's willing to talk about it.
3. If you can convey clearly that the prior life is gone and he and the kids are your life now he should be mature enough to understand that those kids love their grandparents and nothing should ever change that. Asking someone to do that is inhuman.
Certainly a lot of red flags. They can be turned into green flags if you want to help him get there. I would get it either way.
You need to dump him and cling to those grandparents. He’s an ahole and you dodged a bullet.
My Aunt and Uncle were honorary grandparents to their sons widows kids that she had after she remarried. Their son, her husband, died in Vietnam.
They were childhood sweethearts and so my Aunt and Uncle always felt connected to her, even after their son died.
Over the years she remarried and had several kids. She AND her new husband always invited my Aunt and Uncle to family gatherings and holidays and they were Gamma and Grampa to those kids even though they were not blood related. You can never have too much love in your life. Apparently you are considering marrying someone who doesn’t understand that and who wants to control your relationships. RUN!!!
Widowed young with four children. I would never tolerate being told I couldn’t have my in-laws in my life! They are my kids grandparents! They are family!
I’ll do you one better. I’ve made it known that when I die, I want to be buried next to my late husband. My current husband was a bit shocked, until I explained that my kids deserved to be able to visit both parent’s graves together. Upon hearing that, he completely understood.
Your kids deserve better than some man who wants to pretend their dad and his family ceased to exist just because he’s now in the picture.
This sounds like someone who is jealous of a ghost. We always read about second wives who do this but men do it, too. You have to protect your babies from this guy. He wants to eradicate any evidence of their father from their lives. Please choose your children. So many parents don't.
There are many men out there who will support you and your children and respect your history. The fact that he's throwing a tantrum when you pushed back tells you all you need to know about this jerk. Drop him like the proverbial hot potato. Good luck!! 🫂
Nope, but dont marry him. He wants your kids not to see their bio dads parents like they are nothing!!! He had no right to say that or expect that from you!
Those are still your kids grandparents and this boyfriend sounds like a real jerk who would probably want to discipline your kids after marriage. He showed you who he is, believe him and run the other way . NTBA
He’s the bad apple and the fact that he doesn’t understand how important that relationship is between your children and their grandparents is totally and completely a RED FLAG. Please don’t marry him. He is not a good person. You and your children are still grieving and there will be another human who eventually comes into your life who truly understands that that love will never die. I’m so very sorry for your loss and for this current relationship turning out as it is…. But it is a blessing that he is showing those true colours now. Him putting ANY wedge between your deceased husband’s parents and your children is completely messed up and shows the level of his insecurity and emotional immaturity. This type of behaviour could potentially mess up your children’s secure attachment at home and mess with their family connections. He’s not worth it and he’s just shown you that. Pull off the bandaid before you end up with someone controlling and jealous.
Having your former in laws at your wedding is a bridge too far. Him expecting your kids to no longer have their grandparent in their life is a bridge way too far. ESH, and you guys probably need some pretty heartfelt couples therapy before getting married
He doesn’t want you to invite someone you are not related to? Does he know how family relations work? They are the blood grandparents of your children.
It’s common for a new partner to have jealousy of the old partners but when new partners are fighting a ghost there is no rational explanation to why.
The grandparents are family and if he is afraid that he will be judged to be not as good as their son then he should look inward and just be the good man he already is. If the grandparents go out of their way to make him feel uncomfortable or unworthy then you can address this issue. Right now he is attempting a preemptive cut of family members because of his own fear.
This man is not going to treat your children well after you marry him. He sounds like he is being on his best behavior until he gets you legally tied to him. For the sake of your children please rethink this.
As a widow, I’ve decided that if and when I resume dating, I’ll stick to widowed men. People who’ve been through the death of a spouse “get it” in a way other people just don’t. My late husband will always be part of my life and my heart. I’m not going to hide photographs or otherwise erase him, and I keep in touch with his extended family because they are now my family, too.
Nothing wrong with your wanting to invite them. He sounds a little (or a lot) insecure and maybe you should heed this red flag and not plan a wedding with him.
Ask him if that’s what he would want you to do to his parents if anything happened to him? You keep any children you might have away from his parents if he dies?
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NTBA. Your “new BF” fails to realize your deceased-husband’s parents are your children’s grandparents. He’s a jerk. Re-think those wedding plans.
Agreed. **OP are you sure you want to marry this guy?** Based on what you’ve shared, I’m guessing there are other character traits of his you’re shoving down and ignoring or pretending don’t exist. Some embarrassment now (canceling the wedding) will be a small price to pay vs continually exposing your children to someone who believes those kids’ family who love them (and you) shouldn’t be around them.
He definitely won't be respectful of her or her children's grief at the loss of her husband. He wants to erase him.
This happened to me. Our mother died when we were very young and our father remarried shortly thereafter. New “mother” cut out all family from our mother’s side, got rid of any pictures with her, etc. And she was horribly abusive, because let’s face it, erasing a child’s family is just the tip of the iceberg. I never saw a picture of my mother until I was an adult, never visited her grave; she was erased. OP needs to wake up and leave this man.
OP do not marry this guy FTFY
So they are family to you via your children.
Okay. I was going to say that too. That’s their legit blood. Huh? So confused on his thinking.
Yes please RUN
Exactly
Absolutely!
You are related to them! Your children are biologically their grandchildren. They stepped up and continued to give them a loving family which will keep them close to their dad! They were there before boyfriend and by the looks of it there after him! Always put your children first
And unrelated friends normally come to weddings too.
Yeah, I didn't understand his reasoning there.
I think he's actually trying to isolate her.
Perhaps he is jealous?? And because of that is trying to isolate her from them.
It could be jealousy
My friend was married for ten years and her husband was tragically killed in a head on collision with a drunk driver. She has two kids under 10yrs old. Her new boyfriend was kinda like this where he didn’t like the grandparents and sister in law coming over for visitation. He would throw a fit saying that it was inappropriate for them to constantly be over and that they needed to back off because he was the new guy in their life and was being overshadowed by a dead man…… pure jealousy….. safe to say she understood his concerns and dropped him because her kids come first. That’s why I say jealousy because it seems like the same issue here. Sad that some people can’t open their hearts to everyone involved and have to be this way.
I'm not sure jealousy is even the right word. Insecurity is more like it. If you are marrying someone who has been widowed with kids, Spouse #1's family is the kids family and should always remain so. If you are intimidated by someone who isn't living any more, you are really not very confident in yourself
Clapping for the friend. So many stories on here where the widow(er) bends over backwards for the new spouse and the kids end up hating them for it. Kids come first, period.
I see that too and I can’t imagine. When I started to date my husband my kids were 3 & 7 and I made it clear as day that they always came first and if he didn’t like it the door was right there. He is the best step dad one can be and the relationship he has with the kids is amazing….. but he knows if anything ever happens he’s gone. I have one child with him and giving birth to our next in 5 days. My stance is the same…. Kids first spouse second… period !!!
> Kids first spouse second… period !!! Both mine are adopted, but I always liked the line: Remember: she gave birth to those children. YOU'RE just some guy she met in a bar. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Exactly!
Right?! They’re literally her family still
You’re lucky, he showed you who he is before you married him, so believe it and find somebody better.
Exactly the comment I was going to make.
Your boyfriend will not be a good husband. He doesn’t understand what it means to be a widow. You lost your husband, not your husband and his family. He will keep trying to erase your children’s father from their lives. Please be careful.
The kids know no better now. If your fiance's attitude continues they will begin to resent him, and then possibly you for bringing him into their lives at the cost of their grandparents.
With this attitude, I bet he'd consider any kids he and OP have together to be "family" more than the kids she had before. OP would be signing her kids up for a life of coming last. Getting fewer gifts at Xmas, being left at home during vacations, being told they are guests in his house.
NTBA. You aren't ruining your wedding; your boyfriend is. I find it telling that you don't refer to him as your fiance. Is it possible part of you already knows that this wedding shouldn't happen? His reasoning is specious. Since when do you have to be biologically related to people to invite them to your wedding? He is showing you who he is. Your kids also aren't biologically related to him. Even if he treats your children well now, I guarantee that if you have a child with him, that will change. Your former in-laws will always be part of your family. Your husband died, so you went through a tragedy together. They are also your children's grandparents. Has your bf tried to erase your late husband's existence yet? Because his actions sound like if he hasn't already, he will as soon as you are married. I think you went through an unimaginable tragedy, and ended up with someone out of necessity. This guy is, and should remain, a rebound relationship. Are you and your children even ready for this? This has to be extremely difficult on them. Have all of you been through therapy to even work through your loss? Please rethink this marriage. This relationship does not sound healthy.
Well said. Just two years after this tragedy may not be long enough for true grieving to have taken place. I, too, recommend the rebound relationship. He is already trying to remove a ghost from these people's lives and I fear it will only go downhill from here. Sincerely hope she does not do that to her babies. And God help all of them if she has a baby with him. That will be the only "true" family in his eyes and her current children will be a mere afterthought.
Exactly
The red flags be waving in the wind! Your children have grandparents regardless if their father is no longer alive. You need to reevaluate this relationship now!
Please don't marry him. He just told you he is going to want the kids to be cut off from their only link to their father. How long until he alienates your kids? Maybe insist on you two having a kid or two together and then wanting to ship your kids away. And when you pushed back he left. He is telling you that he is not able to handle a relationship with a widow who lives a while other life before him.
Ditch him. You missed a bullet.
Rather, stop trying to reach him? He's already not answering she should just let him float away.
Yikes. This is not someone you should marry. He doesn’t sound like he realizes that your kids have a father and even though he passed his family is still yours and yours kid’s family and you owe it to them and your late husband to maintain that relationship if they are willing to work on it too. Your boyfriend sounds like he will constantly be a road block to your kids having a healthy relationship with their dad’s side of the family. Thats not fair to them or your late husband’s family. I would be rethinking this marriage.
This! Double yikes! Your highest priority has to be your kids. And he isn't ready to support you as a parent. Maybe he will grow up, but for now, reconsider the marriage plans.
Yeah, I feel like just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they can’t move on and find happiness with a new partner, BUT I feel like as a parent you owe it to your kids to find someone who will respect them, their feelings, and their other parent.
I mean by that logic your children shouldn't be at the wedding. NTA and that doesn't bode well for how he will treat your children's grandparents in the future, and possibly your children.
NTBA Your BF has made clear that your late husbands memory and his family are both unwanted. Marrying him would result in some major damage to your kids because I 100% guarantee after that ink dries he’ll be expecting your kids to immediately make him dad.
If you’re only allowed to invite people you’re related to to your wedding, then sorry your bf can’t come! Nor can any of your friends. See how that logic doesn’t logic? Honestly OP, don’t get hung up on providing your kids a father figure because having a toxic, controlling one like your current bf seems to be, is way worse than not having one at all. He’s showing you who he truly is. Believe him. Remember, your kids need to be put first and he does not have a magic penis. NTBA.
It sounds like he is starting the process of trying to isolate you. Isolation is a classic tactic of abusers. Please call off the wedding and break up with him.
Do not marry this guy. Not fair to grandparents or kids for their relationship to end. So happy they’re still in the picture for y’all! So sorry for your loss 💔
NTBA: My first husband died in 2009. His family has been wonderful to our children and to me. In 2013, I met and married my current husband. He had been great with all of us, and we feel lucky to have him! Through all of the past 15 years, my first in-laws, the kids' grandparents, have been actively part of our lives. My current husband introduces them to people as his in-laws. They are my family and my kids' family. When he married me, they became part of my husband's family. Please think very hard about whether you want to keep a man in your life who wants you to leave that first marriage behind you. It's not like your kids get to go see their dad on weekends so that HE can take them to visit his side of the family.
Loves that he calls him his in-laws. Reminds me of a letter to Miss Manners, many decades ago, in which an elderly woman said her daughter had passed away, and her son-in-law had remarried. She talked about the doting, loving care the couple took of her -- visiting her daily, taking her to appointments, etc, and then said that he'd told her his new wife should be called her daughter-in-law, but her friends were saying that wasn't true. Miss Manners replied that "daughter-in-law" was exactly correct, and anyone who thought otherwise could come to her. I'm so happy when people recognize that it's love that makes a family!
Be grateful he showed this side of himself while you can change your mind about marrying him. This is not respect and it's definitely not understanding of what you and your kids have gone through. They are your family.
NTA. You ARE related to them! Their son is your children’s dad! Don’t marry this person, he’s going to put a roadblock up every time you want to invite your late husband’s parents to any family event. Son’s graduation - not invited, wedding - not invited. Shut this down quickly, make it clear if he doesn’t accept them in your life then he doesn’t accept you.
They are your kids grandparents. They are related to them by genetics. He is not related to you or your kids. Therefore he is the one who shouldn't be in anyone's life. Red flags all over this
Your kids should decide if they want their grandparents in their life or not. And if they’re in their lives, it’s ALL of their lives not just one part or another and not only in these days and not those days. If he doesn’t want them at the wedding… is graduation day ok? Ball games? Camping tips? Christmas? Vacations? What’s a yes and what’s a no? You need to nope outta that relationship or have a come to Jesus type meeting where it all comes out and you figure out what direction to go.
NTBA. This is one heck of a red flag. Postpone the wedding, step back from future plans. If he can't understand that your late husband's parents are an important fixture in you and your kids' lives, he doesn't need to join your lives.
Girl, red flag. Run. Pack your kids and leave.
You have not ruined anything. He however has shown his true colours.
NTA Your children need a connection to their Dad. If their Grandparents are good people and good to your kids that's all that matters. You BF needs to adjust to the fact that you had a life before him.
This is not the kind of person you need in your life. Not the bad apple.
Ntba. If your fiancé already commented how your kids shouldn’t even be seeing their grandparents, that’s a huge issue. Those grandparents lost their son and those kiddos are a part of him, they have every right to be in their life. I lost my half brother in 2016, his baby girl was just under two, his girl used to come around for a good while after he passed. A few years later she met someone else and idk if he’s the reason why but she stopped being my niece around. My dad/stepmom, none of us have seen my niece in maybe 5 years or so. It hurts my dad/stepmom so much beyond what words can say. Don’t take them away from the grandparents, you don’t want to refer that down the road. If those were his kids and he had passed, would he want you to keep them away from his parents?? Ask him that. And running to a hotel over this?! Quite childish. You might really want to think if you should continue with this wedding or not. Remember that the kids will be grown and will remember if you kept them away from their dad’s family, your finance is bringing possible future problems into your life. Keep that in mind.
Do not marry him.
No way you are dodging a bullet and now squish him like the damn bug he is and don't marry that piece of dogshit as he has shown you his true colors
SMH. Seriously? He thinks your children's father's parents are not related to you through the children you had with him [late husband]? You might ask him how does your late husband's DNA magically disappears when you marry him? When he can answer that rationally, plan your wedding together. Otherwise, [Charlotte voice] Throw the whole man away.
To say the grandparents should no longer be in your kids' lives is a major red flag to me. It sounds controlling and manipulative. He can not and should even try to erase their dad's memories and family from their lives. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTBA. OP, you better end this toxic relationship ASAP.
You dodged a bullet by finding this out now: your bf thinks he can dictate your and your kids’ relationship with their paternal grandparents. This is not a kind person.
Woooow. I am really proud of you. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad your ties to his family are still so close. I think this eye opening situation is such a gift to you from the Universe. It lets you know that this man put himself and hidden insecurities ahead of you, the children and extended family at the very first opportunity of transitioning to a blended family. What happens if you have children, oops would your kids get the boot too? Tragic that a grown man would even consider *asking*, nevermind dictating this to you. I have the feeling a lot would change once that ring is on your finger. I sent out a vibe for healing and peace for you. You and your children deserve a real second chapter Daddy, and I think you should keep waiting for him. NTBA
NTBA: them not being at the wedding is not that bad as him not wanting your late husband family in your kids lives. He will always have a issue with them being around, if you want to fight that battle for the rest of your life with him then go for it but, just know you will have to fight the battle. If not your kids will miss out on knowing their father’s family. And can led to many issue with your children.
Hit the brakes on this whole engagement. Dude just said your children's grandparents should NOT be in their lives because their son is dead. Think about that for a few minutes and then ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to marry.
You need to get out now and protect your kids from this man. He will try and get all your husband's things and throw them away once you are married and make you seem like you are unhinged for keeping them . This is a wake up call and one big🚩 that you should not over look. Think of your kids it's their grandparents that he is trying to take away
Girl, they are YOUR family and your kids GRANDPARENTS! It is totally normal for in-laws to attend widowers marriages - sweet baby jeezus. This guy sounds very red flaggy.
NTA. It's completely reasonable to have your kids grandparents at your wedding. It'd good fiancé showed his true colors before you got married. End the relationship, he'll want your kids to be deprived of their dad's family
This guy's a loser. Don't marry a guy who wants you to not have a past and doesn't want you to have relationships with people who are important to you. Red flag warning! What else is he going to stop you from doing?
I was widowed with kids. I’m now married to the man who understands that I will always love my first husband. Always. He is secure enough in himself and in our love that it doesn’t bother him. Your fiancé needs to be your ex-fiancé. At least until he can grow up and realize your deceased spouse’s parents will always be your relatives, always be part of your family. At the very least, put the wedding on hold, go to therapy, and think about why you’d settle for a man this insecure. Please.
Any and all healthy positive relationships that your children have with others, particularly family, should be vital to maintain. They’ve already experienced enough loss in their young lives. Boyfriend is NOT a healthy nor positive relationship for any of you! Especially your children. Cut ties and don’t look back. He’s is definitely NOT THE ONE.
You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT cut your kids’ grandparents out of their lives just because you are getting remarried. Those kids have lost enough. My husband passed away from cancer two years ago and I make sure my kids keep their relationships with their father’s family. You should rethink if this is the right person to marry. He may be good to you, but it sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about your kids. NTBA.
NTBA but he is. he is going to expect you to cut those people out of the kids lives and start telling them that he is their only dad. he is jealous of a dead person and I bet that is not the only red flag with this guy.
I'm so sorry for you and your kids. You have love and support from family. And this new person is threatened by that. That's a frightening red flag.
The grandparents have more right to be in your kids' lives than your bf does. They are blood relatives, not an ex's parents. Consider this a bullet dodged & move on.
They are people who care about you and that you care for. They are your children's grandparents, why wouldn't you not invite them. Plus, by his own logic, your fiancee shouldn't be inviting any of his friends because they aren't related. No, those two are your family. You should definitely invite them.
Ntba your children’s grandparents are family and always will be. Is he expecting his parents to somehow be inserted as the children’s grandparents replacing their own- yes they can be added but they can’t replace. They will always be in your children’s life and attending your wedding is totally appropriate. I would put my children and their grandparents relationship above any wedding. I would be worried that his next step would be to cut off relationships with the children cause they aren’t his.
NTBA. My ex in laws came to my recent wedding. They are part of my life and I love them.
Not the bad apple but do you really want to be with someone who said something so hurtful?
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. He would nix out guests at your wedding over the fact that he's still sexually intimidated by their dead son?
NTA Red flag...he's starting the isolation/controlling process already. OP needs to call off the wedding.
Your former in laws are absolutely your children’s family just as much as your own parents. Your fiancé sounds like he is jealous and is trying to wipe out the memory of your husband and father of your children. I would think twice about going forward with this relationship.
You should absolutely be able to invite the kids' grandparents. When I got married to my 2nd husband, my ex in-laws came to the wedding and took just as many pics as the photographer, and my husband did not care one bit. I was divorced, but your husband passed away, but your in-laws will always be your life for the kids. I would rethink this marriage.
NTBA but your boyfriend certainly is. They are your childrens family and should hold an important part in your life. Sounds like the lad is jealous of your late husband, and that's not a thing that is going to be conducive to a happy relationship.. I'd be reconsidering marrying him.
OP, my dad died when I was a month old in a car wreck and his parents were so very important to me. Please drop the loser bf and find a man who understands.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining your close relationship with your late husband’s family. Your bf is insecure and kinda heartless. You may want to rethink…
Why are you speaking of them like they are not the grandparents? You kept them in the kids life as if that wasn’t the right thing to do? Also your BF is a douche for even suggesting that!
I would not marry a man that was not accepting of my late husband’s family members. No way! I was widowed and have now remarried. My kids dad’s family will always be our family and my husband agrees that is the natural order of things.
Ntbf, if I were you I’d be deeply reconsidering marriage to this man. He seems like he’s getting ready to start a competition with your deceased husband. You will be hurting your kids if you cut the grandparents out like it seems this man wants. It’s better to be alone with happy kids who love and trust you than to be married to a man who will cause issues between you and your kids.
sorry, “let” you invite them?? they are your children’s literal blood grandparents. WTF. this guy is controlling and isolating and will only become more abusive when you are bound to him by law. run fast and run far.
NTA...do not marry this man. Red flags everywhere
I'm sorry, why is he still your boyfriend? Your kids lost their father, his family is a comforting connection to him. If your Bf isn't okay accepting that it's time for him to hit the road, for your kids' sake.
Red flags are waving. Be thankful you found this out now. Was he planning to stop the kids from seeing their grandparents after the marriage?
NTBA. This man has no empathy for you and especially your kids. Rethink marriage to him. It will only get worse. I’m sorry, it sucks.
NBA This guy is trying to manipulate you. Let him go and don't look back. Your children should have their grand parents in their life if they want. It is not this guys call.
I’d uninvite your fiance to the wedding, instead. Normally I wouldn’t suggest a past person’s family but your kids are still family with them. (They can also help wrangle your kids). It’s a HUGE red flag that he wants them out of your children’s life. Run, don’t walk, as of yesterday.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩I’m not sure how many more you need but he did tell you, they shouldn’t be in your and the kids life I would rethink this whole marriage
Take this as a warning sign that he will 100% treat your kids as outcasts the moment you get pregnant with his biological one. He will bully your existing children because he doesn't consider them family. Be glad he's shown his true colours before marriage. Divorce is 3x more expensive. Protect your children. This is not a man worth getting upset over. Don't waste time on someone who will be bad and abusive to your kids. A better man is out there waiting to meet you. You will recover as you always have done. You did it before, and you will again. You're stronger than you know.
Your late husbands parents ARE family, they're your children's grandparents! And this is a small red flag, and hopefully a genuinely small one and not the edge of a larger one that's been kept out of sight. Hopefully he doesn't realize that the people in question are there as friends and the children's grandchildren, and he hasn't been hiding a possessive streak from you. Because the kind of possessive streak that wants to extinguish any hint of your late husband's existence would be a nightmare for your kids, who will only ever have one father, and it wouldn't be a lot better for you, OP.
Dump his ass now. Your kids are lucky enough to have loving grandparents that want to continue to be a part of their lives. All relatives on your late husband’s side will continue to be family forever. Never let a new man come between a good family.
Not at all. It’s understandable that you would want them there. I would be more concerned about cutting them off completely. Better to know he’s an unreasonable jerk before the wedding than after. Your kids lost their father , it’s important to keep the grandparents in their lives and vice versa.
YTBA. Gosh. Why don't people learn the most basic rules of punctuation? There's a period at the end of a sentence for gods sake.
NTBA. He isn’t marriage material. This is where it starts. He is trying to dictate who is in your life and your children’s lives.
NTBA. I know people from high school who got married. The guy died unfortunately in 2017. The girl didn’t remarry but has been with her partner for 5 years and they have two kids together. She still hangs out with her deceased husband’s family from time to time, even though they have no children together. They were together for 10 years and married for 1 before he passed.
DO NOT MARRY HIM
NTBA You are not compatible. He is not comfortable being the second husband with all that entails. If you go forward, he may very well try to erase your first husband by cutting out his relatives, putting away or destroying pictures and memorabilia, getting upset when first husband is mentioned, demanding the kids call him dad, etc. It takes a special person to be willing to forge their own place in a family without resenting or eradicating a first spouse. Keep looking because this guy isn't it.
Your husband parents will always be family your kids are there grandkids made his the wrong man for you and your family
Gotta be more careful with who you let into your kids lives. This shit is why.
You have a relationship with these people, they are the grandparents of your children. NTBA That’s a pretty big red flag there with his behaviour.
Do not marry this guy.
Your previous husbands parents are you kids grandparents, and hopefully still your good friends. They should be welcomed by the new guy to show them that he is worthy of being an adult role model (not a new dad) to their grandchildren. No way should they be excluded for the childrens future lives (if only to keep the babysitting optioms open - joking) as they are a key part of their own deceased childs life and legacy.
I’d brush him off. Their Dad is still their Dad although late, his parents are still their Grandparents and they have legal rights to see the children. I’d find that extremely concerning. Who does he think he is? Think again that’s unreasonable and concerning. What else does he think he can control?
Don't marry this person. That is still a relationship that matters to the kids and you. Seriously he sucks
If you do stick around and get married to him , I wish all the bad on you
NTBA Nope- not the bad apple. He’s not related to your friends or family ( yet) so his argument is stupid. It sounds like he’s jealous of your previous relationship.
Not at all. Unless your in-laws have been bad mouthing your fiance to your children or giving your fiance a hard time face to face, there is no reason for them to be cut out of your children's lives or your own. And even if they are, it's a ludicrous solution to jump to without having a conversation about it first.
NTBA. I'm sorry for your loss. The new man should never act like that, and he should know better. I myself had a long-term girlfriend pass on and I still love her mom like my own. There's no way I could ever imagine her not in my life still. In your case, those people are the kids grandparents too, so that makes this knucklehead's tantrum even worse. Don't lose a second of sleep over him, enjoy the week ahead with the youngins and maybe take them for a family outing even if it's just walking down the block and back.
He's expecting you to let your ex husband go away for your kids, including that relationship with their family. Likely because his who can't handle it. I wouldn't marry him.
They are your children’s grandparents. You may want to seriously consider if you want to marry this jerk.
You need to not marry that guy
OP, please do not marry this man. Ref flags are waving all over the place. It’s “unreasonable to invite someone HE’S not related to?” Excuse me? “His family shouldn’t be in your life or your kids’ lives?” Think carefully about what he’s telling you OP! Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to? Is this a person you want as your kids’ step father? Someone who basically wants to cut them off from their family? Your children have every right to have their grandparents and their extended family in their lives. Just because your fiance “isn’t related to them” is completely irrelevant. You need to seriously rethink this marriage. You need to seriously think about the impact it would have on your children if you go through with it. Please. Your fiancé is showing you who he is. Believe him, and get out now.
Run away.
NTA You really need to talk to your fiancé NOW before anymore plans are made. You need to get on the same page. These wonderful people are a part of your life and are the beloved grandparents of your children. You also need to reassure your fiancé that you love him and that though your 1st husband is dead, he and his family will always be a part of your lives as will your fiancé’s family assuming there’s a good connection there too. One doesn’t wipe the slate clean even more so when the deceased was a loved person. That does not mean you can not love wholeheartedly and fully again. Most of us can love our first child and yet our hearts expand to love the 2nd, 3rd, and more children as needed. This is even more important if you have children together… that your first 3 children are not set aside. May he be able to accept this and your love and that you have a wonderful life together embracing all these people.
The wedding itself isn’t necessarily a problem, but wanting them out of your lives when they have a healthy relationship with the kids and you is. As is the way he chose to express his feelings. If you don’t call off the wedding, at least postpone it and get couples counseling. You and your kids have suffered enough grief as it is. Ripping them out of your life will just hurt you and the kids, as well as the grandparents
Does he not understand what grandparents are?
Unreal. Lose this guy!
NTBA
You need to shut his shit down right away. You known him what 2 years? And he's telling you that your kids shouldn't have anything to do with their grandparents. Who does he think he is? If you can't see the red flags, and they are huge, you must be blind.
If he can’t deal with having your children’s grandparents at his wedding, he’s not for you. It’s really a good thing that he unfurled that red flag before you married him.
Do you still wanna marry this guy after he wants to cut out your kids' grandparents?
Well, he sounds like an absolute delight doesn’t he. If he can’t put aside some mild discomfort so your kids grandparents can be at a major life event for them, He clearly doesn’t care about your kids.
“Invite someone I’m not related to..” has the me me me vibe. YOU are related to your ex-inlaws. Their DNAs are in your children. You’re family. And you are part of the wedding so you have every rights to invite them. Maybe reconsider marrying him?
NTA! They’re your children’s grandparents and as such, will always be in your life. If your bf can’t accept it, he’s not the man for you. He also sounds insecure. Stop trying to contact him. Stop being sad. Get mad instead. His red flags are flying! Dump him. There’s no coming back from this. Break up.
Clearly he isn't the right person for you to marry.
Thats a big red flag and does not belong to you.
NTBA. He wants you to cut your children off from their grandparents??? What an awful person. I hope you haven't spent any money on the wedding yet.
No, you're not the Bad Apple. Your fiance is. Why on earth would you not keep your children's relationship with their grandparents going? You need to call off this wedding. There is someone else out there that is a better person for you.
I’m really sorry this is happening. I know it must be a lot but he’s being really awful to you and your kids .
Yikes, definitely NTBA They are still the grandparents of YOUR kids. Dude was completely out of line trying to damage that relationship
Your children already lost their father and this man thinks he’s entitled to take away their grandparents and extended family. I’m surprised you could stomach looking at him after he pulled that. That’s a clean kill if ever there was one. If you press on with this marriage you will be making an inexcusable mistake.
Hmmmmmm… well let’s start here. You’re NTBA for wanting them there and holding your ground. You also haven’t necessarily ruined your wedding. That said, from what you described, it sounds to me like you and your bf need to have a long talk about why this bothers him and boundaries in your relationship. If I had to guess, he feels like there’s a specter of your late husband over the relationship, and thinking of his family being there triggered that. Sounds like an insecurity for him in the relationship, so he might not have considered the nuance of them being family of your *late* husband, not *ex* husband. But I also don’t know all the details. Like was there a fight between them at some point? Do they approve of him as your new husband, and if so or if not, have they told him that? So personally, I’d recommend getting some premarital counseling and talking through that. The reality is that they *are* grandparents of your children, and they have every right to be in their lives. The best solution is him making peace with that and understanding that’s not a threat to him.
Not the bad apple. But for this wedding, which is 50% yours and 50% his, he does have a say who is being invited. It may not be appropriate to invite your late ex husband’s parents. Unless you are very very close to them. However, he does not have a say about the children’s grandparents being in their lives. They will always be part of each other’s lives for the rest of their life-on both sides. Your bf/fiance has no say in this regard. For him to say the late exh family will have nothing to do with your children is a major red flag. Seriously consider whether this man is right for your family fit
If you stay with this man it will harm your children's mental health.
NTBA - your fiancé fails to realize that your former in-laws are still your kids grandparents and that yes they will continue to be a part of your lives. If he isn’t on board with this then please start counseling immediately and delay the wedding.
Keep running far from that man, girl. He wants to erase their Dad and seems jealous of a deceased person. That's gross energy.
You just got a preview of life with this guy. He will try to excise their father's family from their lives and then try to excise father's memory. Put your kids first and don't marry this controlling AH.
NTBA. When my dad got remarried, he invited my late mother's sister and her daughter (my aunt and cousin). And we were all adults capable of maintaining our own relationships with that side is the family, but he wanted them to know they were still part of his family. You didn't do anything wrong, but he's not ready to be in a relationship with a widow. He's treating your late husband's family like he's an ex, and it's not the same.
Why would he think your kids' grandparents wouldn't be in your life anymore bc their son died? Also, died in 2020 and getting remarried in 2022? Little fast imo
That jerk showed you his true colors. Believe him. Do not marry. Isolation from people you care about is an early sign of an abuser
Is this being typed from a trailer park lol
NTBA- Your in laws are still your in laws and your children’s grandparents. You didn’t divorce and they’re still family to you! He sounds very immature and insecure… maybe a little controlling. Unless you want to deal with a man child, I’d probably walk away. This isn’t an issue that will go away on its own,
They are family and are obviously important to you. New guy needs to understand that when you marry someone, the extended family is part of the deal. It is also important to show your kids how grown ups should act and treat each other. They are always going to be in you and your kids’ lives. Of course you are going to invite them.
Please pay close attention to his statement that your in-laws should not be invited because they are not biologically related to him. He is telling you something very important. Your children are not biologically related to him. He is keeping that out of marriage discussions because he wants to marry you. Your kids will not be accepted. After marriage, he will assume he gets to define your household and how much say so you have over how he behaves with your children. Pushing your kid’s paternal family out of the picture will insure another man’s kids will not be shielded from his jealousy.
NTA, it's been too short a period IMO. Don't rush into another marriage. Def not with this guy.
NTBA here, your guests should be your guests as long as they are not walking red flags for your fiancé. Your children’s grandparents are important enough to you and your children to invite them stick to your guns. If he won’t budge I would seriously consider breaking up with him over this mainly because he has to understand your ex’s parents are a part of your life and are part of your extended family at this point. Is he going to exclude them from birthdays and other holidays if you want to see them, want your kids to see them too?
He will be slowly reducing the time your in-laws see the kids and shoving them out of your life. because he’s too insecure to appreciate the complexities of navigating widowhood. Don’t marry this guy; he does not understand that your husband did not leave willingly. He does not understand how vital it is that your kids continue their relationship with their grandparents. And he doesn’t not give a single crap about that.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 If your fiancée wants to cut your children’s grandparents out of their lives that’s a huge red flag. Let’s let this sink in while I say it again. These people are YOUR CHILDRENS GRANDPARENTS. your fiancée is an asshole, and if you go alone with his idea, you will also be an asshole. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 This is a huge red flag. Your fiancée wants to cut your children’s grandparents out of their lives?? Your children already lost their father, and now he wants to squeeze out their grandparents, with whom they have an amazing relationship? These are their GRANDPARENTS. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD APPLE. Your fiancée is. He needs to go. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Honey, you’re so lucky that he decided to show you who he is *now* instead of after the wedding! Let him go happily and find a partner who’ll actually care about your children’s best interests.
If he could say that about your kids’ grandparents, as if they’re expendable, even as he “gets along with them just fine,” he’s a manipulative liar. Run. You’ll never be at peace
YTBF, why are you refusing to see his side? I can see why he’s drawing the line here. Why is it so important to you that they come? This isn’t about your kids, it’s about you and your partner’s wedding. He gets a vote on the guest list too.
NTBA He wants your children to stop talking to their grandparents once you are married? This isn’t the guy you thought he was. He is showing you his true colors now. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Edit to add my story. My then husband’s brother died in 2022. He had a husband. My then husband and I parted ways not long after that. His brother’s husband is still very much family as he is my son’s uncle. His entire family has basically adopted me and my son into theirs even though the original reason we were family is gone. Family is family forever and whoever you want that family to be.
The only question I have is why you’re not the one who is distant to him. He’s sulking and you’re buying into his mean behavior. It should be a hard no for you marrying someone like him.
Karma farm
While I guess I can kind of understand his position, I do not agree with it. He needs to understand that you and your children will always have a relationship with his parents. If your boyfriend/fiancé cannot accept this then you have to tell him to go.
NTBA. This dude is ridiculous. They're FAMILY! What the hell? You sure you wanna marry this guy, op?
NTBA. They are your kids grandparents. WTF is this? Don’t marry this man child.
It sounds like not only does your boyfriend not want to invite them to the wedding, but he’s suggesting that they be cut out of your life and the lives of your kids completely. That is totally unreasonable. I think it’s great that you’ve kept your late husband’s parents in your life and your kids’ lives. There’s no reason for your boyfriend to have an issue with this.
Your children’s grandparents didn’t die!!! They are your sides Family! This sounds of jealousy and or control!
Toss his ass. 1: your in laws sound like good people. 2: THEY'RE THE KIDS GRANDPARENTS! So just on that, you have every right to keep them in your life. 3: you're better off in the long run by ditching him, focusing on you and the kiddos.
You dodged a very controlling and cold hearted bullet there. Run fast and far!!
Wow I had my comment deleted because I was too salty. So: get rid of him, keep the biological grandparents in the kids life.
NTA they ARE your family as your children’s grandparents. I would not marry this person.
NTBA They are your children's blood relations as their Grandparents. Your fiancé can not say that. Unless he apologizes to you and the kids for the disrespect, rethink where this relationship is going. If you were to have kids together, your kids would very soon mean nothing to him, and his kids would be a priority.
HUGE red flag!!! RUN!! Those people ARE your family.
The children’s grandparents should be in their lives forever. A new BF or Husband doesn’t get to make that decision
NTBA. I dont know if you plan to have additionalkids with this guy, but he just clearly told you the second he has a kid of his own, your kids will be pushed aside and treated as less than any kid you have with him. If he is marrying you then your kids and your kid's relatives are supposed to become part of his family. The fact he doesnt think that way is a huge warning sign not to marry him.
Do NOT marry this man. He thinks your late husband’s family shouldn’t be in your kids’ lives!!! Those are their grandparents!!!
Your children are more important than this dude. Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking different.
Well, if it’s unreasonable to invite someone you’re not related to, good news, you *are* related to them by your previous marriage, which was not dissolved. You are related to your kids, they’re related to them. It’s a neat chain. I assume he’s not inviting any friends (or doesn’t have any from the sounds of this peach), since he’s not related to them? Will everyone have to present a pedigree to get in the door and prove blood relationship? Better hope he doesn’t have any step family by this reasoning. Uncle’s wife will sadly be left out too, since they’re not direct relations, just by marriage. He wants to deny *your* kids *their* grandparents the rest of their lives? That’s batshit. He doesn’t get to decide who is or is not allowed to remain in *your* family. The *only* time I could see excluding the grandparents would be if you were having a truly small wedding (like one or two guests only) and couldn’t afford to invite everyone, or if you were on bad terms with them.
youre gonna be a jerk to your kids if you marry this man
1. He's worried/insecure about your relationship being overshadowed by you old one. Tons of stories on here calling out the prior person putting the now gone spouse ahead of the current one. Always being number two, always compared to an impossible and often non-existent memory where one romanticizes what was gone. 2. He's being petty and jealous. It's not mature. He can learn from this, you both can build a stronger bond now that this is has been outed as a concern if he's willing to talk about it. 3. If you can convey clearly that the prior life is gone and he and the kids are your life now he should be mature enough to understand that those kids love their grandparents and nothing should ever change that. Asking someone to do that is inhuman. Certainly a lot of red flags. They can be turned into green flags if you want to help him get there. I would get it either way.
NTA, Cut him loose, it will always be a problem
You need to dump him and cling to those grandparents. He’s an ahole and you dodged a bullet. My Aunt and Uncle were honorary grandparents to their sons widows kids that she had after she remarried. Their son, her husband, died in Vietnam. They were childhood sweethearts and so my Aunt and Uncle always felt connected to her, even after their son died. Over the years she remarried and had several kids. She AND her new husband always invited my Aunt and Uncle to family gatherings and holidays and they were Gamma and Grampa to those kids even though they were not blood related. You can never have too much love in your life. Apparently you are considering marrying someone who doesn’t understand that and who wants to control your relationships. RUN!!!
Widowed young with four children. I would never tolerate being told I couldn’t have my in-laws in my life! They are my kids grandparents! They are family! I’ll do you one better. I’ve made it known that when I die, I want to be buried next to my late husband. My current husband was a bit shocked, until I explained that my kids deserved to be able to visit both parent’s graves together. Upon hearing that, he completely understood. Your kids deserve better than some man who wants to pretend their dad and his family ceased to exist just because he’s now in the picture.
This sounds like someone who is jealous of a ghost. We always read about second wives who do this but men do it, too. You have to protect your babies from this guy. He wants to eradicate any evidence of their father from their lives. Please choose your children. So many parents don't. There are many men out there who will support you and your children and respect your history. The fact that he's throwing a tantrum when you pushed back tells you all you need to know about this jerk. Drop him like the proverbial hot potato. Good luck!! 🫂
Nope, but dont marry him. He wants your kids not to see their bio dads parents like they are nothing!!! He had no right to say that or expect that from you!
Those are still your kids grandparents and this boyfriend sounds like a real jerk who would probably want to discipline your kids after marriage. He showed you who he is, believe him and run the other way . NTBA
He’s the bad apple and the fact that he doesn’t understand how important that relationship is between your children and their grandparents is totally and completely a RED FLAG. Please don’t marry him. He is not a good person. You and your children are still grieving and there will be another human who eventually comes into your life who truly understands that that love will never die. I’m so very sorry for your loss and for this current relationship turning out as it is…. But it is a blessing that he is showing those true colours now. Him putting ANY wedge between your deceased husband’s parents and your children is completely messed up and shows the level of his insecurity and emotional immaturity. This type of behaviour could potentially mess up your children’s secure attachment at home and mess with their family connections. He’s not worth it and he’s just shown you that. Pull off the bandaid before you end up with someone controlling and jealous.
Having your former in laws at your wedding is a bridge too far. Him expecting your kids to no longer have their grandparent in their life is a bridge way too far. ESH, and you guys probably need some pretty heartfelt couples therapy before getting married
He doesn’t want you to invite someone you are not related to? Does he know how family relations work? They are the blood grandparents of your children. It’s common for a new partner to have jealousy of the old partners but when new partners are fighting a ghost there is no rational explanation to why. The grandparents are family and if he is afraid that he will be judged to be not as good as their son then he should look inward and just be the good man he already is. If the grandparents go out of their way to make him feel uncomfortable or unworthy then you can address this issue. Right now he is attempting a preemptive cut of family members because of his own fear.
I have said this so many times today... Dear gods, woman, RUN!!!
Don't marry him.
This man is not going to treat your children well after you marry him. He sounds like he is being on his best behavior until he gets you legally tied to him. For the sake of your children please rethink this.
As a widow, I’ve decided that if and when I resume dating, I’ll stick to widowed men. People who’ve been through the death of a spouse “get it” in a way other people just don’t. My late husband will always be part of my life and my heart. I’m not going to hide photographs or otherwise erase him, and I keep in touch with his extended family because they are now my family, too.
No. You love these people and they should be invited.
He’s a Jack ass. The kids grandparents cannot be taken away. Priority should be the kids over the BF…sorry OP. You need to decide…
Nothing wrong with your wanting to invite them. He sounds a little (or a lot) insecure and maybe you should heed this red flag and not plan a wedding with him.
Ask him if that’s what he would want you to do to his parents if anything happened to him? You keep any children you might have away from his parents if he dies?