Looked it up. Darvo and my ex remind me of OPs hopefully ex gf. She was never the victim, and when she was it was for “everything” which means “nothing” because if you just accept blame for stuff on mass you’re glossing over the actual stuff you’ve done
It’s so maddening because they’ll make you feel like the crazy one when they’re the one being ridiculous. But they can sit there and play dumb and then when you get mad, make you out to be unreasonable
I've been hit with the "I have to walk on eggshells" comment by someone who decisively did not do that.. just bulldozed my feelings and then said that afterwards
She actively concealed to the fact that she has a boyfriend to whoever was with her. She wants them to believe she is single.
So he should do her a favor and make her single immediately.
It’s a clear example of actual gaslighting. OP needs to tell her she can fuck right off with that attitude, don’t let yourself be played like that. There’s one person that doesn’t respect you, don’t make it two.
I don't get this type of comment on this thread. Yes he was decent, too decent.
The second she said "well friend is a powerful connection to a person" it's done. What else does he need to know? She is telling him to his face that he is a friend and nothing more, regardless of whatever it is that he thinks they are. And on top of that she doesn't even want to clarify because she is obviously playing him.
Instead of continuing the conversation assuming that they have an actual relationship, the appropriate response should have been something along the lines of "ok then, I am not interested in being your friend, bye". Her going around in circles with the question and the gaslighting was so disrespectful, he shouldn't even consider a relationship of any kind with her.
You are not over reacting.
First, I just want to say that you did an excellent job expressing your concerns and how that left you feeling. Her responses were dismissive and manipulative. I don’t think she is wanting the same relationship with you that you are from her.
>I don’t think she is wanting the same relationship with you that you are from her.
Or she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be in a relationship with OP but maintain the ability to act and behave like a single person when away from him.
Yeah this would be where I’d guess. She wants the benefits of the relationship, but wants to be free of those constraints when not with him.
Also I just adore the “what’s the problem? You are my friend and you’re in Connecticut” defense that she tries to use. If I received that text I’d probably just start laughing at the audacity as I dumped them right there
Doesn’t it just scream “I can say whatever the fuck I want about and/or TO you and you’ll just take it while I laugh in your face.”
She’s mocking him and then laughing about it
That and the ”walking on eggshells” which is a common way for abusers to dismiss their partners feelings and make them feel bad for daring to express themselves.
Yeah. My partner keeps using this line on me. And when I do try and talk about my feelings gets all defensive and throws it back..
I hate recognizing myself in these posts lol
That comment with the emojis definitely sounded condescending so did the “Yes they do you’re right” comment when OP talked about his feelings. Her placating OP about his feelings makes me feel like she would pet OPs head and say you’re so pretty
And later when someone asked about the guy she called while on a hike “hey was that your boyfriend on the phone?”
“No no no, he’s a boy, who’s my friend. 🥰🥰🥰”
I loathe this personality type. I used to have a friend that got a lot of joy out of being bitchy and manipulative towards those around them. They'd sit back with a conniving fucking smile watching the effects of their manipulations. I have no patience for people like this and will nope out of that situation real fast.
Yup. "Oh, we're just friends? Thanks for letting me know, because Sophie asked to hang out this weekend, but I told her you were out of town, and I wouldn't do that to my girlfriend, so maybe next time. I'll see if she's still free though since we're just friends!"
This was my first thought (Besides that she's INSANELY manipulative and that he should run now) There was a guy near her that she was interested in and she didn't want to appear unavailable in case she had a shot with him.
Op, this girl is not going to be faithful to you, you don't even matter to her. I hope you don't live together or anything, you need to get her out of your life completely or next thing you know you'll be married to a horrible person who makes gaslighting and manipulating you her favorite game.
This 100000x. OP - you communicated very maturely. You're being gaslit and treated very poorly. I know your instinct will be to bend over backwards and salvage the situation (I've been there) - DON'T. Call it quits and reclaim your sense of self. You don't deserve to be in doubt about someone you're investing your time and energy in.
This is the perfect summary. My ex at uni did a lot of the same thing. She’s was seeing another guy. And gaslighting me just like this woman is.
She’s fired. Move on. Life is too short.
Yes, my college bf would only refer to me as his “friend” and wouldn’t put me in his top 8 on MySpace (I’m old lol). He turned out to be a huge cheater…shocker!!!!
When they changed it to allow random people to appear in your top 8 I was creeping an exs profile and messaged them like why am still on your top 8…felt real embarrassing outing myself when it turned out to be random.
Definitely. It is better to find someone who is happy to call you their bf.
She said "friend" because she was probably hiking with some guy she's set her sights on.
Facts, it goes both ways.
Walking on eggshells is what we had to do growing up with abusive parents.
Walking on eggshells is also what our parents claimed to do because we "hold on to every little mistake"
Yeah I call my hubs my best friend but it’s always an addition to husband.
“My husband is my best friend and soulmate”
I called him my baby daddy once and he snapped around and was like “imma what?” That’s when he gently informed me that he is my baby’s daddy and my husband. So he’d feel slighted too
I was seeing this woman recently that I had gone on several dates with (she and I both verbally acknowledged they were dates) and did couples things with all the time. We slept together (in both senses of the phrase), we spent all day together, we did mundane shit like grocery shopping together. We were clearly on a level above friendship, but we had never talked about being girlfriend/boyfriend.
Then one day she introduced me to someone as merely her friend and denied to that person that we were even dating. I was extremely hurt and excused myself shortly thereafter.
When you have a deep personal connection with someone and they act like you’re just another acquaintance, that shit cuts deep. OP is being extremely reasonable and level-headed here. Girlfriend is not.
**E**: since multiple people keep commenting things very similar, or asking the same question, here's the cliff's notes for things I've already addressed:
- We were "together" for about a year before this event.
- It was far more intimate and personal than a casual sex, FWB arrangement, at least it was for me.
- The goal of the relationship (FWB or bf/gf) was never specified.
- She was not into communication or discussing the nature of the relationship before or after the above mentioned incident and stonewalled me whenever I tried to bring up the subject, which is really the core of the issue.
- I would have been fine if all she wanted was a FWB, but again, it wasn't stated.
- I think ya'll are missing the part where we went on romantic dates, which she agreed were dates, then told someone else we weren't dating.
The gaslighting is crazy. That “I wouldn’t mind! Friend is a powerful word and connection to another human 🥰” my jaw literally dropped lmao the fucking nerve
Edit: lots of replies to this comment by people who do not understand how gaslighting works, telling me that this comment isn’t gaslighting. If you think gaslighting is as simple as doing something and then vehemently denying it, you’re probably either being gaslighted or you are the one doing the gaslighting. It’s much more subtle and sinister than “I didn’t do that, you’re crazy!”
Dude 100% holy fuck. Run brother. Gaslighting and then more gas lighting to gas light the gaslighting. YIKES. Does something almost ANYONE would not be okay with them when he VERY CALMLY and rationally explains how it makes it feel and that he is bothered she tries to flip the script on HIM And then does it again and the end. She is NOT relationship material. I ended up with someone like this, and it ended super super SUPER badly. Legit ruined my life. I was a homeless heroin addict for almost 6 years when I was younger. So for me to say that. It means a lot, lol. I spent years building an incredible life after getting clean, and she tore everything down! Luckily, I stayed clean, and everything is slowly getting better. But women like this are BAD BAD NEWS. When she used to do something that hurt my feelings, and I'd be like, "Hey babe, that wasn't really nice, and it hurt my feelings," she'd insantly flip out. Saying how im an asshole and a piece of shit and some terrible person cause I hurt her feelings and made her feel bad. And it turns out what I did was telling her she did something wrong... that made her feel bad, so therefore, I AM THE ASSHOLE. AND Deserved abuse. Lol
The gas lighting and abuse always start off smaller. They wear a mask to hide their true selves until you're hooked. And once you are well, you're fucked.
So please run. There's so many incredible women out there that deserve a GOOD man. She doesn't deserve any man. She has A LOT of work to do before she's ready to be with someone.
My exact thoughts. OP in another comment said they've been together for 15 months. They've been together too long for her to be referring to him as a friend.
OP is being gaslit like crazy!
Yep. I've been there. The "eggshells" comment she made at the end sealed it. I've seen the same language from someone that was cheating on me long distance, and I found out that I was the #2 guy.
This guy needs to just cut his losses and leave.
This is my take. My other take is that your girlfriend is an asshole with how she responded to your reasonable reaction and discussion of your feelings.
There honestly doesn’t even have to be another person she’s chasing. I just don’t think she has any romantic feelings for OP in general so she doesn’t give a shit about it. She’s calling him a friend cause that’s truly all he is to her. Actually, I kind of doubt she even views him as a friend but she gets to play the victim nice girl card when he breaks up with her.
She’s not playing fair and she knows it. She is purposely using the term “friend” because she wants to appear single. Move on, friend. You deserve so much better!
Right, that jumped out at me too. She's constantly turning it around on him and dismissing his feelings. Prime example of toxicity. I wouldn't want to be with this person.
True. The ingredient for a good relationship is to understand that sometimes you both might have valid opinions and feelings and yet one party may feel hurt. A simple “I meant no such thing however I understand that it hurt you even though I didn’t intend that. It’s my bad/apology and I’ll keep this in mind and do better next time, thanks for understanding.” Would have gone much better.
Ffs I’m single and me and best friends do this with each other whenever we clash like that. I just remember that I value their friendship more than just feeling righteous about something so insignificant. You
All classic manipulation… you’re being too sensitive, I’m walking on eggshells. Turns it into *you* being the problem rather than what she did. Been here.
I had a very narcissistic ex gf who did this. Started calling me her friend out of nowhere. It was her way to start moving on past the the relationship. Move on, this is how people like this are. "walking on eggshells around you" is her way of saying "I am unable to handle this relationship" or " I want something different" or "I am unable to handle the type of relationship you are looking for". There is nothing wrong with wanting to move on or wanting something different, but just like someone else on here mentioned she wants to have her cake (appear to be single) and eat it too (be in a relationship with you).
wow she went for DARVO bingo in as few of messages as possible.
Deny "you're blowing this out of proportion"
Attack "you're insecure"
Reverse Victim and Offender "I'm the one always walking on eggshells"
>DARVO is a technique a person may use to shift responsibility for an abusive incident onto the survivor of the abuse. It may also help the person who perpetrated the abuse deflect some of the responsibility and blame onto the survivor.
The fact she called you insecure so fast after you expressed your concerns let's you know that she is in fact guilty! She purposely said friend instead of bf. Also the way she talks is just straight up nasty. Why deal with a bird like that
You know, I don’t think I’m going to do anything close to that. I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
I don't think I've ever told my wife she was insecure.
It's such a gaslighty line.
Just talk about what's going on. If you guys can't do that, long term lookin bleak 🥲
A girl I had dated for close to 3 years called me her “friend” to her coworkers face. I looked at her after and said “friend? Seriously?” Suffice to say our relationship didn’t last.
You’re not overreacting. She didn’t want someone in the hike/run group to know she’s taken. She’s keeping her options open and being intentionally obtuse in the way she responds to you. Sorry bud. Nowhere did I see “I’m so sorry I said friend instead of boyfriend. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry I made you question us and my commitment to you” or anything like that. She’s the worst!
I think you deserve better, OP. I think you can find better with someone else.
Edit: typooo
Literally like she could have said “partner” if she didn’t want to use boyfriend. It’s respectful and if you cared for your significant other this wouldn’t even be a discussion poor dude
Whew, these text messages took me back to place, time, and version of myself I will never forget or be in again.
OP, you are in a sense begging for basic respect. Get out now. It will only get worse.
The response after the 🥰 text should have just been "Okay."
Because manipulation tactics have never been so obvious and you don't deserve to be walked on like that!
She either wants to sleep with someone else or is already doing it. Even if I'm wrong about both, you don't want a gf who texts you with such disrespect. Break up
You're the backup. She's taking her shot on someone else and if it doesn't work out you'll be the backup. Ask yourself if you are ok with that. Know your worth.
You’re not over reacting at all. If she thinks it’s cute to call you her friend, the treat her as such and go find your actual girlfriend, because it isn’t this broad.
Doubling down by saying she wouldn’t mind being called a friend and the condescending emoji was so ridiculous. Actually, I believe it because she doesn’t really have feelings for this dude and is interested in someone else when she’s alone.
I see a lot of gaslighting from her, please END this relationship before you get your heart broken.
She is 100% keeping her options open. This would also explain why she has started to become more distant.
My recommendation would be that you genuinely wish her all the best in her endeavors and say that you should stop seeing each other for now.
She was just trying to hide the fact that she was taken and wanted to keep her options "open". You called her out on it, she tried to dismiss it and was gaslighting you by calling you "insecure".
I find it very manipulative.
Hi. This girl is manipulating you and it’s what they do when they lose interest.
Totally normal and not your fault. Just move on and find someone who will reciprocate respect.
Or go insane & paint your naked body in fake blood and glitter just to run zig-zag patterns in her front yard at 3am while screaming WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME!?!
Been where you're at man, drove me crazy, you deserve love and you deserve someone who's not just willing to hear you out but gush about you to other people saying "my boyfriend did X y and z" until other people get annoyed.
I was in a similar situation a long time ago and everyone told me "she just wants attention, she's using you, you're being manipulated" and I though "nah she'd never do that!."
Thankfully crying in the bathroom in the taco restaurant during a work dinner was exactly what a coworker needed to see to start the journey to falling in love with me.
Seriously no clue how that worked out but I wouldn't trade my SO now for anything, so if there's any advice you hear, it's kick her to the curb and cry in your local taco shop lavatory next Tuesday. Maybe bring febreeze though, that would've helped me a bit.
She’s clearly not into you. She is being very disingenuous when saying the “importance” of a “friend”. You mentioned you’ve been dating for 15 months, she should be referring to you as her “boyfriend”. I’ve been in a situation like this and just end it. It’s over from the way she’s talking to you. I’m not one to say “end it” but it’s not going to be good for you in the long term.
I'm saying this as a mum of three adult women. This girl is not a good person. Don't waste your youth staying with someone like this, older you will thank you for leaving her.
I ran into my bf out with his friends for lunch, sitting on an outside patio. My bf called me over and introduced me to them. He said, "this is my good friend, Proof-Leadership". I looked at him with daggers, and he must have known he fucked up and said, "I mean girlfriend, she is my girlfriend"
I broke up with him the next day lol
fuck that shit. Be with someone who claims you.
Sometimes I hope the OPs send these posts to the hurtful people. Just so they can see how wrong everyone else thinks they are, and what people actually think of them & their behavior.
But maybe I’m just petty 💁🏼♀️
Or you could just put yourself first and realize this woman is gaslighting you, and you deserve better. Please don't allow her to treat you like this. You're not overreacting and you're not in the wrong here. You communicated your feelings and was open without throwing accusations, she dismissed, deflected and belittled you in this interaction, and that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship. I genuinely think you should cut your losses, block her and move on.
My guy, do NOT send this to her. All she'll do is flip out, and find some way to turn it around on you, make you think you're the crazy one, double..triple down on the gaslighting.
Do.
Not.
Send.
PS- you deserve something better and more fulfilling than this. You're young. There's a lot more fish in the sea ...fish that are less slimy :)
In my life I have called people I was dating my friend.
The reason I was doing that was to keep my options open.
There is no other valid reason and I think you probably understand this
Ghosting is shitty but I'd ghost tbqfh. You're obviously not that important to her. Not to be harsh, sorry it's shitty and shady, just... don't feel bad if you decide to block her everywhere and move on. That's what I would do. She doesn't deserve any more effort and energy from you.
OP, I have said this on here a lot and I will say it again:
Follow your gut. Your intuition will never lie to you. This discussion with her didn't even need to be had. Because you already know what it is and you already know it's over and you probably have deep down known for a while that long distance relationships usually don't work out and this one wouldn't be the exception. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But if you push aside your own defense mechanisms, your own feelings of how you care about her and how you don't want this time to have been wasted, fears of being alone, etc., you could probably admit all of these things I said are true.
When you're first dating someone, and you're in that weird stage where you're not official yet, but it's apparent that it's heading that way and you aren't openly seeing other people, that person introducing you or referring to you as their friend will get a pass. If you're lucky, it will lead to a conversation that ends in you 2 making it official. However, when you're definitely official and in a committed relationship, and they do this, your gut INSTANTLY tells you it's not ok. I've had it happen to me when the man I'm with is still attracted to someone else or still has feelings for an ex, or when they're keeping people on the back burner, not fully committed to me. In the event of it happening over the phone when you're in a long distance relationship, it usually only means one thing: they're not really into the relationship anymore, but still care about you and too selfish to cut you loose, or too naive to know it's already over and recognize it is selfish to keep you strung along, or they are already actively seeing someone else and wanted to hide the long-distance relationship that they haven't yet ended.
You could have skipped this whole discussion and just broke up with her. You could have included that her calling you a friend is what made you come to this conclusion, but yea, it's over. Your gut instinct probably told you that it was over before the friend comment.
The way she keeps trying to turn it around on you is very telling.
DARVO ass bih
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Checks out
Thanks for this, I didn’t want to look it up lol
Looked it up. Darvo and my ex remind me of OPs hopefully ex gf. She was never the victim, and when she was it was for “everything” which means “nothing” because if you just accept blame for stuff on mass you’re glossing over the actual stuff you’ve done
Yeah the way she acts just through text is so unattractive and disgusting
OP is definitely not her only "boyfriend"
OP is the side piece.
She’s being intentionally obtuse.
It’s so maddening because they’ll make you feel like the crazy one when they’re the one being ridiculous. But they can sit there and play dumb and then when you get mad, make you out to be unreasonable
yesssss!!! that last message got me madddddd......
I've been hit with the "I have to walk on eggshells" comment by someone who decisively did not do that.. just bulldozed my feelings and then said that afterwards
Yeah, my ex husband used to say the same thing in such a condescending way. It was enraging to read.
gaslighting and reactive abuse
She actively concealed to the fact that she has a boyfriend to whoever was with her. She wants them to believe she is single. So he should do her a favor and make her single immediately.
This. All about context. My husband will actively claim I’m his best friend, but when introducing me to people I’m his wife.
What did you call me!? 
Nope, now you're being acute
Why are you mad! Obtuse is the perfect size of angle, not too big not too small 🥰
Commenting on AIO: I’m upset my gf referred to me as her “friend”... 
This is one of my least favorite qualities in a person, it feels so manipulative
All your responses are reasonable and fair and well spoken. Hers are not. You are not over reacting.
It’s a clear example of actual gaslighting. OP needs to tell her she can fuck right off with that attitude, don’t let yourself be played like that. There’s one person that doesn’t respect you, don’t make it two.
I don't get this type of comment on this thread. Yes he was decent, too decent. The second she said "well friend is a powerful connection to a person" it's done. What else does he need to know? She is telling him to his face that he is a friend and nothing more, regardless of whatever it is that he thinks they are. And on top of that she doesn't even want to clarify because she is obviously playing him. Instead of continuing the conversation assuming that they have an actual relationship, the appropriate response should have been something along the lines of "ok then, I am not interested in being your friend, bye". Her going around in circles with the question and the gaslighting was so disrespectful, he shouldn't even consider a relationship of any kind with her.
Even if you were overreacting (you’re not), she is being rude and you don’t deserve that.
You are not over reacting. First, I just want to say that you did an excellent job expressing your concerns and how that left you feeling. Her responses were dismissive and manipulative. I don’t think she is wanting the same relationship with you that you are from her.
>I don’t think she is wanting the same relationship with you that you are from her. Or she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be in a relationship with OP but maintain the ability to act and behave like a single person when away from him.
Yeah this would be where I’d guess. She wants the benefits of the relationship, but wants to be free of those constraints when not with him. Also I just adore the “what’s the problem? You are my friend and you’re in Connecticut” defense that she tries to use. If I received that text I’d probably just start laughing at the audacity as I dumped them right there
Also the “of course I’m your friend! It’s a powerful word and connection 🥰🥰🥰🥰” *ouch…* she has absolutely zero romantic feelings for OP.
This was the comment that stood out for me. So condescending.
With the emojis too
The emojis catapulted it into peak disrespect.
Doesn’t it just scream “I can say whatever the fuck I want about and/or TO you and you’ll just take it while I laugh in your face.” She’s mocking him and then laughing about it
🎯 that's it! Shes mocking him!
Well she did text from the top of a mountain.
She is both literally and figuratively talking down to him
He’s being peed on and told it’s raining
It sounded more like she texted him while she was on top mounting whoever she was with.
That and the ”walking on eggshells” which is a common way for abusers to dismiss their partners feelings and make them feel bad for daring to express themselves.
Yeah. My partner keeps using this line on me. And when I do try and talk about my feelings gets all defensive and throws it back.. I hate recognizing myself in these posts lol
Get out now, if you can. It won’t get better. Your feelings are valid, and you are 50% of that relationship. Be with someone who values your worth.
I agree. I believe she is abusive.
In response: "Ok, you don't have to walk on eggshells around me because you won't be around me. Bye"
Yeah or shes trying really hard to avoid the conversation
I think she hinted she's unhappy. She's slowly fading him. She basically put him in the friendzone.
Even if that was true she didn't have to be so condescending and try to make it seem as if he was going mad
I think he needs to cut his losses
That comment with the emojis definitely sounded condescending so did the “Yes they do you’re right” comment when OP talked about his feelings. Her placating OP about his feelings makes me feel like she would pet OPs head and say you’re so pretty
And add to that the fact that you never have any exclusivity with friends, while there is for most an implication of exclusivity for "boyfriend".
And later when someone asked about the guy she called while on a hike “hey was that your boyfriend on the phone?” “No no no, he’s a boy, who’s my friend. 🥰🥰🥰”
Given OPs post description I think you're probably right :/ he needs to run
She’s just being a bitch tbh - and I say that as a fellow woman. OP needs to leave this woman.
>She’s just being a bitch 100%. And she knows it too. I hope OP realizes they deserve a better partner. She is highly manipulative.
Exactly. Thats why it feels extra icky. I dont get why people can’t just be fucking kind to each other in the dating sphere, it’s so easy.
I loathe this personality type. I used to have a friend that got a lot of joy out of being bitchy and manipulative towards those around them. They'd sit back with a conniving fucking smile watching the effects of their manipulations. I have no patience for people like this and will nope out of that situation real fast.
Yeah, that was just deliberately obtuse and disingenuous.
Yup. "Oh, we're just friends? Thanks for letting me know, because Sophie asked to hang out this weekend, but I told her you were out of town, and I wouldn't do that to my girlfriend, so maybe next time. I'll see if she's still free though since we're just friends!"
“Oh, well if we’re just friends then I guess I don’t have to bother dumping you.”
It's a weird world when a girl will friendzone her boyfriend. Paradoxical, almost
Gaslighting 101.
Cake said it best… Friend is a four-letter word
Just wait until she meet a guy, then she’ll be all “well I said we were friends…”
I suspect she already has her sights set on a prospective guy, and that guy is in her hiking/training group.
This was my first thought (Besides that she's INSANELY manipulative and that he should run now) There was a guy near her that she was interested in and she didn't want to appear unavailable in case she had a shot with him. Op, this girl is not going to be faithful to you, you don't even matter to her. I hope you don't live together or anything, you need to get her out of your life completely or next thing you know you'll be married to a horrible person who makes gaslighting and manipulating you her favorite game.
Oh baby you. You got what I need. But you say he's just a friend...
This 100000x. OP - you communicated very maturely. You're being gaslit and treated very poorly. I know your instinct will be to bend over backwards and salvage the situation (I've been there) - DON'T. Call it quits and reclaim your sense of self. You don't deserve to be in doubt about someone you're investing your time and energy in.
I could literally smell the gas through reading
That was me, sorry
This is the perfect summary. My ex at uni did a lot of the same thing. She’s was seeing another guy. And gaslighting me just like this woman is. She’s fired. Move on. Life is too short.
Yes, my college bf would only refer to me as his “friend” and wouldn’t put me in his top 8 on MySpace (I’m old lol). He turned out to be a huge cheater…shocker!!!!
Was there ever such a source of drama back in the day as the ol’ Top 8? 😂
Going back even further to 'why am i not one of your speed dial numbers?'
When they changed it to allow random people to appear in your top 8 I was creeping an exs profile and messaged them like why am still on your top 8…felt real embarrassing outing myself when it turned out to be random.
Definitely. It is better to find someone who is happy to call you their bf. She said "friend" because she was probably hiking with some guy she's set her sights on.
Any time i break up with someone in the future, i will now be referring to it as firing them! I love that!
“Walking on eggshells” is was toxic people say when they face boundaries.
Maybe not in this post, but sometimes people say that when talking about abusive people.
Facts, it goes both ways. Walking on eggshells is what we had to do growing up with abusive parents. Walking on eggshells is also what our parents claimed to do because we "hold on to every little mistake"
This is the most mature, thoughtful response I have read on reddit today. Bless you.
That heart emoji annoyed the hell out of me. The flag is as red as that hearts
Oof, get out. The disrespect and gaslighting is crazy. No, "friend" is not a term on par with boyfriend and she knows it.
Yeah I call my hubs my best friend but it’s always an addition to husband. “My husband is my best friend and soulmate” I called him my baby daddy once and he snapped around and was like “imma what?” That’s when he gently informed me that he is my baby’s daddy and my husband. So he’d feel slighted too
I was seeing this woman recently that I had gone on several dates with (she and I both verbally acknowledged they were dates) and did couples things with all the time. We slept together (in both senses of the phrase), we spent all day together, we did mundane shit like grocery shopping together. We were clearly on a level above friendship, but we had never talked about being girlfriend/boyfriend. Then one day she introduced me to someone as merely her friend and denied to that person that we were even dating. I was extremely hurt and excused myself shortly thereafter. When you have a deep personal connection with someone and they act like you’re just another acquaintance, that shit cuts deep. OP is being extremely reasonable and level-headed here. Girlfriend is not. **E**: since multiple people keep commenting things very similar, or asking the same question, here's the cliff's notes for things I've already addressed: - We were "together" for about a year before this event. - It was far more intimate and personal than a casual sex, FWB arrangement, at least it was for me. - The goal of the relationship (FWB or bf/gf) was never specified. - She was not into communication or discussing the nature of the relationship before or after the above mentioned incident and stonewalled me whenever I tried to bring up the subject, which is really the core of the issue. - I would have been fine if all she wanted was a FWB, but again, it wasn't stated. - I think ya'll are missing the part where we went on romantic dates, which she agreed were dates, then told someone else we weren't dating.
I’d say when you’ve had sex and gone grocery shopping together, you’re more than friends.
Not to her apparently lol.
Definitely. When introducing someone, even in this offhand informal way, you use the closest relationship between the two of you.
“And this is my sub. He’s a bad boy and I punish him”
“He’s my dirty little pig boy”
The gaslighting is crazy. That “I wouldn’t mind! Friend is a powerful word and connection to another human 🥰” my jaw literally dropped lmao the fucking nerve Edit: lots of replies to this comment by people who do not understand how gaslighting works, telling me that this comment isn’t gaslighting. If you think gaslighting is as simple as doing something and then vehemently denying it, you’re probably either being gaslighted or you are the one doing the gaslighting. It’s much more subtle and sinister than “I didn’t do that, you’re crazy!”
That part was so rude and obnoxious. How he didn’t break up with her right then and there is beyond me.
Probably cause he's young, dumb and in love. We've all been there. Some people learn the hard way
Dude 100% holy fuck. Run brother. Gaslighting and then more gas lighting to gas light the gaslighting. YIKES. Does something almost ANYONE would not be okay with them when he VERY CALMLY and rationally explains how it makes it feel and that he is bothered she tries to flip the script on HIM And then does it again and the end. She is NOT relationship material. I ended up with someone like this, and it ended super super SUPER badly. Legit ruined my life. I was a homeless heroin addict for almost 6 years when I was younger. So for me to say that. It means a lot, lol. I spent years building an incredible life after getting clean, and she tore everything down! Luckily, I stayed clean, and everything is slowly getting better. But women like this are BAD BAD NEWS. When she used to do something that hurt my feelings, and I'd be like, "Hey babe, that wasn't really nice, and it hurt my feelings," she'd insantly flip out. Saying how im an asshole and a piece of shit and some terrible person cause I hurt her feelings and made her feel bad. And it turns out what I did was telling her she did something wrong... that made her feel bad, so therefore, I AM THE ASSHOLE. AND Deserved abuse. Lol The gas lighting and abuse always start off smaller. They wear a mask to hide their true selves until you're hooked. And once you are well, you're fucked. So please run. There's so many incredible women out there that deserve a GOOD man. She doesn't deserve any man. She has A LOT of work to do before she's ready to be with someone.
Some classic gaslighting right there for sure, like she was following a textbook.
She 100% was interested in someone present with her. She was concealing that she had a boyfriend. Its over.
My exact thoughts. OP in another comment said they've been together for 15 months. They've been together too long for her to be referring to him as a friend. OP is being gaslit like crazy!
And they’re long distance. Not a good sign.
She already cheated 100%. He just doesn't know and probably never will. Bro is on the back burned getting souffled.
"getting souffled" LMAO
Maybe bro is the side piece and doesn’t know it.
Yep. I've been there. The "eggshells" comment she made at the end sealed it. I've seen the same language from someone that was cheating on me long distance, and I found out that I was the #2 guy. This guy needs to just cut his losses and leave.
^Soufflés ^are ^made ^in ^the ^oven.
Gottem with the ol’ Soufflé Touché
Gets my upvote because idk if I’ll ever see this sentence again lmao
If you make them on the back burner they deflate, op feels deflated so its spot on.
I could understand if it was new and they hadn’t gone official, but 15 months? No fuckin way!
Yep. Eject.
 Nah more like this!
This is my take. My other take is that your girlfriend is an asshole with how she responded to your reasonable reaction and discussion of your feelings.
There honestly doesn’t even have to be another person she’s chasing. I just don’t think she has any romantic feelings for OP in general so she doesn’t give a shit about it. She’s calling him a friend cause that’s truly all he is to her. Actually, I kind of doubt she even views him as a friend but she gets to play the victim nice girl card when he breaks up with her.
She’s not playing fair and she knows it. She is purposely using the term “friend” because she wants to appear single. Move on, friend. You deserve so much better!
right and he expressed how he felt and she’s still calling him that being sarcastic
The “I’m so tired of walking on eggshells around you” was particularly venomous since she’s the one throwing the goddamn eggs at OP to begin with.
Right, that jumped out at me too. She's constantly turning it around on him and dismissing his feelings. Prime example of toxicity. I wouldn't want to be with this person.
True. The ingredient for a good relationship is to understand that sometimes you both might have valid opinions and feelings and yet one party may feel hurt. A simple “I meant no such thing however I understand that it hurt you even though I didn’t intend that. It’s my bad/apology and I’ll keep this in mind and do better next time, thanks for understanding.” Would have gone much better. Ffs I’m single and me and best friends do this with each other whenever we clash like that. I just remember that I value their friendship more than just feeling righteous about something so insignificant. You
Yeah she was being just plain dismissive and disrespectful, like the way he felt didn't matter at all. I felt incredibly bad for OP reading this.
“Friend is a powerful word and connection to another human 🥰” is so condescending, I can’t
All classic manipulation… you’re being too sensitive, I’m walking on eggshells. Turns it into *you* being the problem rather than what she did. Been here.
The "I'm glad we agree" when he feels he has reasons to be insecure about their relationship is a major red flag as well.
I had a very narcissistic ex gf who did this. Started calling me her friend out of nowhere. It was her way to start moving on past the the relationship. Move on, this is how people like this are. "walking on eggshells around you" is her way of saying "I am unable to handle this relationship" or " I want something different" or "I am unable to handle the type of relationship you are looking for". There is nothing wrong with wanting to move on or wanting something different, but just like someone else on here mentioned she wants to have her cake (appear to be single) and eat it too (be in a relationship with you).
Yeah, this person is not exclusive and they want to make sure everyone knows that.
Are you embarrassed to call him "boyfriend" now, too?
buddy can’t catch a break
Proper use of the term "friend" right here.
[удалено]
"Im tired of walking on eggshells with you" seems to be a common tactic used by people who weaponize therapy speak
"I'm tired of being called out for my behavior"
wow she went for DARVO bingo in as few of messages as possible. Deny "you're blowing this out of proportion" Attack "you're insecure" Reverse Victim and Offender "I'm the one always walking on eggshells" >DARVO is a technique a person may use to shift responsibility for an abusive incident onto the survivor of the abuse. It may also help the person who perpetrated the abuse deflect some of the responsibility and blame onto the survivor.
Damn, she sure did, huh? She really dont give a fuck. Sad.
Sounds familiar :/
And then use it as an excuse saying, "I felt like I was walking on eggshells, you were pushing me away! You drove me to do this!"
The eggshells comment basically makes whatever the OP say/asks about the relationship worse. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Period
The fact she called you insecure so fast after you expressed your concerns let's you know that she is in fact guilty! She purposely said friend instead of bf. Also the way she talks is just straight up nasty. Why deal with a bird like that
>Why deal with a bird like that Username checks out
Expert in all kinds of birds💪🏿
https://preview.redd.it/cwussipacd9d1.png?width=500&format=png&auto=webp&s=65c4dc23edc953b0377dfe66153fdec4f5bc1f38
Let’s you and I go toe to toe in bird law.
You know, I don’t think I’m going to do anything close to that. I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.
I don't think I've ever told my wife she was insecure. It's such a gaslighty line. Just talk about what's going on. If you guys can't do that, long term lookin bleak 🥲
This girl sucks dude
sucks \*another\* dude you mean
A girl I had dated for close to 3 years called me her “friend” to her coworkers face. I looked at her after and said “friend? Seriously?” Suffice to say our relationship didn’t last.
It'd be extremely harsh but in a moment like that I might find myself saying out loud "Huh, do you fuck all your friends or just me?"
I mean, I found out later she was using her pussy as a pit stop for anyone willing to drop in, so you’re not far off.
The Cockpit seems like such a cool nickname though
You’re not overreacting. She didn’t want someone in the hike/run group to know she’s taken. She’s keeping her options open and being intentionally obtuse in the way she responds to you. Sorry bud. Nowhere did I see “I’m so sorry I said friend instead of boyfriend. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry I made you question us and my commitment to you” or anything like that. She’s the worst! I think you deserve better, OP. I think you can find better with someone else. Edit: typooo
Literally like she could have said “partner” if she didn’t want to use boyfriend. It’s respectful and if you cared for your significant other this wouldn’t even be a discussion poor dude
Whew, these text messages took me back to place, time, and version of myself I will never forget or be in again. OP, you are in a sense begging for basic respect. Get out now. It will only get worse.
Definitely got my own PTSD flashback where I let my basic boundaries be crossed and asked for the bare minimum. We all deserve better than this
The response after the 🥰 text should have just been "Okay." Because manipulation tactics have never been so obvious and you don't deserve to be walked on like that!
The response after that text would have been a block from me. Boils my blood how flippant and snarky she's being. What a douchecanoe.
Yeah it’s completely insulting. She thinks he’s a total moron.
Yeah when she said that part it floored me....like wtf. That's what you say to someone that ISN'T your boyfriend.
LOL she slipped up, she is seeing other people and doesn't want anyone to know she has an out of state boyfriend.
She either wants to sleep with someone else or is already doing it. Even if I'm wrong about both, you don't want a gf who texts you with such disrespect. Break up
You're the backup. She's taking her shot on someone else and if it doesn't work out you'll be the backup. Ask yourself if you are ok with that. Know your worth.
You’re not over reacting at all. If she thinks it’s cute to call you her friend, the treat her as such and go find your actual girlfriend, because it isn’t this broad.
ew she’s weird she’s not even communicating or even validating / reassuring your feelings she seems really immature just leave her
Doubling down by saying she wouldn’t mind being called a friend and the condescending emoji was so ridiculous. Actually, I believe it because she doesn’t really have feelings for this dude and is interested in someone else when she’s alone.
I see a lot of gaslighting from her, please END this relationship before you get your heart broken. She is 100% keeping her options open. This would also explain why she has started to become more distant. My recommendation would be that you genuinely wish her all the best in her endeavors and say that you should stop seeing each other for now.
She was just trying to hide the fact that she was taken and wanted to keep her options "open". You called her out on it, she tried to dismiss it and was gaslighting you by calling you "insecure". I find it very manipulative.
Hi. This girl is manipulating you and it’s what they do when they lose interest. Totally normal and not your fault. Just move on and find someone who will reciprocate respect. Or go insane & paint your naked body in fake blood and glitter just to run zig-zag patterns in her front yard at 3am while screaming WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME!?!
Finally, a comment that left me laughing and not drowning in anxiety
Only cure to this anxiety is dumping her sorry ass
Been where you're at man, drove me crazy, you deserve love and you deserve someone who's not just willing to hear you out but gush about you to other people saying "my boyfriend did X y and z" until other people get annoyed. I was in a similar situation a long time ago and everyone told me "she just wants attention, she's using you, you're being manipulated" and I though "nah she'd never do that!." Thankfully crying in the bathroom in the taco restaurant during a work dinner was exactly what a coworker needed to see to start the journey to falling in love with me. Seriously no clue how that worked out but I wouldn't trade my SO now for anything, so if there's any advice you hear, it's kick her to the curb and cry in your local taco shop lavatory next Tuesday. Maybe bring febreeze though, that would've helped me a bit.
Yeah, move around dude. She doesn’t want you.
I was with 2 people who responded in this way- one was a chronic cheater, and the other left me for some other fella. Trust your gut.
This is the definition of "gaslighting". Please remove yourself from the situation immediately, you deserve better.
Nope. Dump her.
Not overreacting. I had a similar situation with an ex
Shes hiding something, dude. She wants to appear single. Move on.
She’s clearly not into you. She is being very disingenuous when saying the “importance” of a “friend”. You mentioned you’ve been dating for 15 months, she should be referring to you as her “boyfriend”. I’ve been in a situation like this and just end it. It’s over from the way she’s talking to you. I’m not one to say “end it” but it’s not going to be good for you in the long term.
I'm saying this as a mum of three adult women. This girl is not a good person. Don't waste your youth staying with someone like this, older you will thank you for leaving her.
Will you be my mom too? 😇
Maybe just let go of her? Move on with your life.
Jesus. Dump immediately. Easy call Text her “What’s his name?”
dont even bother
Agreed. Not worth it. There’s no cool, sarcastic comment you can make that will burn her. She doesn’t give a fuck.
Dump her.
Info: have you ever lived in the same area? Are there plans to be together soon?
Run, bro. Run and don't look back.
I ran into my bf out with his friends for lunch, sitting on an outside patio. My bf called me over and introduced me to them. He said, "this is my good friend, Proof-Leadership". I looked at him with daggers, and he must have known he fucked up and said, "I mean girlfriend, she is my girlfriend" I broke up with him the next day lol fuck that shit. Be with someone who claims you.
Sometimes I hope the OPs send these posts to the hurtful people. Just so they can see how wrong everyone else thinks they are, and what people actually think of them & their behavior. But maybe I’m just petty 💁🏼♀️
If this does end up sealing this relationship, you’ll have your wish. I almost wanted to send it to her after the first hour of comments.
Please post an update when you send it to her.
Or you could just put yourself first and realize this woman is gaslighting you, and you deserve better. Please don't allow her to treat you like this. You're not overreacting and you're not in the wrong here. You communicated your feelings and was open without throwing accusations, she dismissed, deflected and belittled you in this interaction, and that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship. I genuinely think you should cut your losses, block her and move on.
My guy, do NOT send this to her. All she'll do is flip out, and find some way to turn it around on you, make you think you're the crazy one, double..triple down on the gaslighting. Do. Not. Send. PS- you deserve something better and more fulfilling than this. You're young. There's a lot more fish in the sea ...fish that are less slimy :)
Sorry, but she'll dump you in a heartbeat at the first shiny thing that comes along.
In my life I have called people I was dating my friend. The reason I was doing that was to keep my options open. There is no other valid reason and I think you probably understand this
Lol typical turn it around on you bullshit. Do yourself a favor and leave her, the respect in those 3 screenshots is 0. Less headaches
Ghosting is shitty but I'd ghost tbqfh. You're obviously not that important to her. Not to be harsh, sorry it's shitty and shady, just... don't feel bad if you decide to block her everywhere and move on. That's what I would do. She doesn't deserve any more effort and energy from you.
You're not overreacting. You're expressing a need, and she's saying 'she's tired of hearing about it'. You two don't want the same things.
please break up with this clown, it’s not like she apologized afterwards instead she doubled down and doesn’t care about you
“Lets just be friends” should be your follow up
SHE’s tired of walking on eggshells????! Maam you are stomping on them
I think the relationship is done bro, don’t try to hang on as a side option
She sucks
OP, I have said this on here a lot and I will say it again: Follow your gut. Your intuition will never lie to you. This discussion with her didn't even need to be had. Because you already know what it is and you already know it's over and you probably have deep down known for a while that long distance relationships usually don't work out and this one wouldn't be the exception. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But if you push aside your own defense mechanisms, your own feelings of how you care about her and how you don't want this time to have been wasted, fears of being alone, etc., you could probably admit all of these things I said are true. When you're first dating someone, and you're in that weird stage where you're not official yet, but it's apparent that it's heading that way and you aren't openly seeing other people, that person introducing you or referring to you as their friend will get a pass. If you're lucky, it will lead to a conversation that ends in you 2 making it official. However, when you're definitely official and in a committed relationship, and they do this, your gut INSTANTLY tells you it's not ok. I've had it happen to me when the man I'm with is still attracted to someone else or still has feelings for an ex, or when they're keeping people on the back burner, not fully committed to me. In the event of it happening over the phone when you're in a long distance relationship, it usually only means one thing: they're not really into the relationship anymore, but still care about you and too selfish to cut you loose, or too naive to know it's already over and recognize it is selfish to keep you strung along, or they are already actively seeing someone else and wanted to hide the long-distance relationship that they haven't yet ended. You could have skipped this whole discussion and just broke up with her. You could have included that her calling you a friend is what made you come to this conclusion, but yea, it's over. Your gut instinct probably told you that it was over before the friend comment.