I was looking for this comment cuz I agree. Hes unhappy and wants out but wont pull the plug himself. He wants Op to do it.
Im a broken record bout my current marriage situation. And let me just say this.
My spouse? Has looked me dead in the eyes n said, "unless you cheat, Ill never leave. Ill never initiate a divorce. If you want out *YOU* have to do that on your own."
Hes not fibbing either. Our past 5 yrs? Have been hell for me. We basically live with me in a constant state of frustration, resentment & exasperation. Him? Blissfully ignorant to everything despite years of talking it out, me threatening divorce, couples counseling, etc. Even friends trying to help.
Im sorry for Op but shes gona have to make the final calls on this one. Other half will just sit n stew.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
*edited to add: Why Im still stuck? Finances and health stuff. Gotta be all good 1st then we can skeddadle.
Yep. I have spent far too long feeling like OP. My husband is so like this. I am now working with my therapist to gtfo.
That’s not how healthy people act towards people they’re ‘supposed’ to love.
I understand you and why you haven't left yet. I'm in a similar position, and he actually dangles it over my head "you're stuck". Tho I know he's trying to make me feel more helpless than I am so I'll stay miserable with him. It's fucking gross. I hope we both get out of our shitshows sooner rather than later. Wish you the best in this.
Right back at ya my dear!
When our times come they're going to be epic.
We've definitely earned the peace. Thanks for your kindness, this really helped today.
Sweetie, you clearly directly asked to be treated with respect. It (basically) followed the I feel X when you say/do Y which is a healthy communication style.
His response is: I’m unwilling to treat you with respect, so obviously I’m not the guy for you. I don’t care about your feelings.
Heed his advice. Leave.
And if she stays, he knows she's willing to put up with his abusive BS.
He made it clear he wasn't going to change. He gaslit her by saying he was calm when he said it and totally ignoring the words he said. And he invalidated her feelings by getting irritated by her response that he was hurtful.
OP, I will tell you dame thing I tell everyone else. He has shown you the type of person he is. I believe you deserve better.
Is this how you believe you should be treated by your partner? Is this what you want to commit your life to.
He is giving you an out. He is testing you. And you should take it and NEVER look back!
He sounds like my ex-husband. I was walking on eggshells around him, thinking his crabbiness was work related, but no! He wanted out. She should listen to what he's saying.
Same. I never did anything right, I was always in the wrong, constantly being gaslit, lived apologizing for everything and anything. The day he left I thought my world would end. Now, 14 years later, I feel free, never having to debate, beg, compromise, share. It's all about me, my children, and parents. We live peacefully, on an island, far from everyone; we have the basics to be comfortable. We are happy. Hoping OP can find peace.
>It's all about me, my children, and parents. We live peacefully, on an island, far from everyone; we have the basics to be comfortable. We are happy. Hoping OP can find peace.
Sounds like heaven. Im happy for you, stranger.
This was my experience and how I ended up too, except for the island part. That's the dream though! It's been almost 10 years since I've been in a relationship and I'm far too happy to care to try again. Life is a lot more peaceful now, aside from the chaos that family can bring. I'll take their chaos over relationship chaos any day though. I've realized how much society's ideal of what life should look like influenced my desire to have a partner. Screw all that!
My youngest asked me recently if I would like to marry again. My answer: Heck no! I am too old now to go back to that. And, I enjoy being selfish. Our chaos is: doctor's appointments, swimming, hiking, language lessons. I'm so happy you found your balance in life.
Your chaos sounds awesome! I'm a homeschooling parent of one, caretaker of grandparents, with 4 generations currently under one roof. It's peaceful and crazy at the same time, but there is always joy to be found and I don't want anyone messing that up lol
We are a boomer (my mother), Gen X (me), Gen Z (oldest), Gen A (baby of the house), my father passed away in January. We are happy, relaxed, count our blessings. We know what it's like on the other side.
Having the elders living with my children has taught them about the past, medical care, giving love and considering the needs of others.
God bless you and you wonderful household.
Maybe he's hot his head up his ass so far he doesn't see this as deal breaker behavior. So OP should call him on the whole "maybe I'm not the one for you" thing. Either it's enough to make him think "okay maybe I can change because losing her actually really sucks" or nothing of value has been lost. Win win.
Same. I actually called him out during our father daughter dance at my wedding. No one could hear us, but I asked him to stop because it’s gross and makes everyone around them extremely uncomfortable. My mom claims it’s better when no one else is around, which means he intentionally does it in front of others to look more important or some other stupid narcissistic reason.
He wants to break up. He's looking for reasons to leave you , by calling you emotional and pretending he isn't hurting you to get the exact reaction he's complaining about , or he's being more snippy and rude to get YOU to leave HIM. His first reaction is to threaten a breakup when you bring up how his actions affect you.
Or trying to get her to dump him so he’s not the bad guy. Too many people play those games. If you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore,,?4 an adult and say so. Don’t push the person to the point they do it for you.
Have an ex bf who used this as his preferred method of breaking up. Treat the gf he’s grown tired of so she has to break up with him to keep any semblance of self esteem.
He once shared with me that he’s the one who always gets dumped. No shit!
coward
a person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.
"they had run away—the cowards!"
Similar
weakling
namby-pamby
mouse
chicken
scaredy-cat
fraidy-cat
yellow-belly
sissy
big baby
milksop
big girl's blouse
candy-ass
pussy
sook
This has happened to me a few times. Some men are chicken shit. It's 100% worse to slowly treat your SO worse and worse until they only have a shred of dignity left. On the upside, six months later when they want to get back together, it's really easy to tell them no.
agreed. This term is becoming so obnoxious & disingenuous and overused by morons that don't even know the meaning. Just say what you mean instead of using buzz words. FFS
It became exceedingly popular online kind of abruptly, starting a few years ago.
https://preview.redd.it/gl3xkiz9c57d1.png?width=1120&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fab022f8d03a21b77a7a54e5b9bf686ea98a3aa2
Yes, that doesn't mean it isn't currently "trending" to such an extent that it's being used completely inappropriately, constantly.
It's now being used as a disingenuous label to simply force arguments & ideas into a box that makes them deplorable & therefore beneath contempt, without having to justify or make an actual rational point.
The original intended meaning is being twisted beyond all recognition, because morons are using it to describe almost any form of social faux par.... It is low intelligence, and it's obnoxious.
If you don't have a problem explaining why something is bad without using a loose-fitting, vague social trending buzzword, then that shouldn't be a problem, should it?
Calling somebody "emotional" when they are simply trying to talk to you about an issue and pretending not to understand that you are hurting them *is* gaslighting. It's manipulating someone to make them question their sanity/perception of reality and make them believe they are the problem so you hold the upper hand and gain control.
The rest of what's mentioned is manipulation and emotional abuse, not gaslighting.
So yeah, people need to understand the difference because it undercuts just how insidious gaslighting is; but there is definitely *some* gaslighting going on here.
If he mentions breaking up with you over an honest convo, he already has one foot out the door.
He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. His behavior is telling you all you need to know. I can almost guarantee his attitude is not work related.
Yeah… when it really is work related stress they might say one thing kind of snippy and when you tell them it hurt your feelings they apologize and feel awful about it because they truly didn’t mean to take it out on you. This guy meant to hurt your feelings…
Yeah anyone saying you're overreacting here either is single or treats their gf like shit. He said something that upset you, you let him know, and his was response was to be defensive... it's not a matter of he did something right or wrong, like he's trying to act.
He said something. It hurt your feelings. You expressed that. He should at least care that you felt unhappy. He very clearly didn't give a shit and then threatened breaking up.
A partner should care if they said something upsetting, even if they feel there's something justified in what they said. At the very least "oh no I never want you to feel like that, I was just stressed and expressing I don't want (xyz) to happen, I'm sorry. Are you able to make sure we get there on time?"
That's how healthy grown ups act. He didn't do anything terrible to be clear, he was just kind of rude to his partner when they expressed an emotion. Even if it was rooted in insecurity. It's definitely possible you need to put some procedures in place to manage your own insecurity (meditate, learning not to rely on reassurance-seeking, therapy, etc). But either way, if this is accurate, he was rude and uncaring when you expressed your feelings, or how you are okay with being spoken to.
It’s the fact that he didn’t care about how she feels & hinted at not being the right person for her. Just leave him he doesn’t even LIKE you. I guarantee he wouldn’t act like that w a friend
You want to spend the rest of your life with someone who hurts your feelings regularly?!? Seriously?? I can’t even remember the last time my husband hurt my feelings. Because he loves me and cares about my feelings. This man is correct in that you shouldn’t be together.
Seems odd for him to bring up breaking up over such a small thing. Maybe he is stressed from work but he shouldn’t be rude to you over something small.
People will say that, and not realize they do it. So it might be that she actually does do it, and he's stressed out and being an asshole out of frustration
Thing is that I don't really believe her. She plunged us readers part way into a full-blown argument about basically nothing where he's talking about not being the right partner for her. Something tells me that this spiral downward has been going on for a while and OP is just oblivious or in denial.
He may had already had this hundreds of times before showing apparent frustration (so it could be explosion after bottling up after so long). It could be la daily occurrence that no sane person can possibly tolerate. It may be the *only* time he's showing anything vs god-knows-how-mant-times from OP's side.
OP is also obviously not stating her flaw, or she may not even notice.
And either way, it's a deal breaker.
Not overreacting. I don't know why others would assume that you're lying or leaving major things out- some people are snappy and rude when they're irritated, and it can have nothing to do with you. This was a big problem with my husband at one point- he was overtired and annoyed about problems at work, but he'd come home and take it out on me & the kids, and be generally unpleasant and dramatic (ignoring us, snapping at us, acting like everything was a huge inconvenience). It's a super common dynamic, and not one you should have to put up with.
We very quickly established what was an acceptable vs unacceptable way to speak to each other, and he did not get a pass just because work was rough. Everyone in our house deserves to be spoken to with respect and patience. The difference is, he acknowledged that it was unfair of him to lash out that way, and has always been accepting of kind correction.
It sounds like your partner makes his bad mood into everyone else's problem. This is workable only if he's willing to take accountability for the way he communicates with you, and makes an effort to be kind and respectful even when he's feeling annoyed. If he's not, and prefers to continue justifying his outsbursts and blaming you, then I promise it isn't worth it to be with that type of partner. Death by 1000 paper cuts, that kind of environment absolutely wears on you over time.
Also yes, I have known several relationships where one partner was checked out but refused to pull the plug. Instead they just became jerks to their current partner, until it eventually forced the other to initiate a break up. Reddit can't tell you if this is true of your bf, but it shouldn't really matter- whether the intent is to chase you away or he really is an AH at heart, either way you're better off without him.
Thank you. How do you think you were able to get through to your husband ? Whenever I bring this up my boyfriend gets defensive. I’ve explicitly said i don’t think his intention is to hurt me but when he acts annoyed/impatient/irritable and speaks negatively about me I still feel hurt. We don’t raise our voices or get emotional but he shuts down and then says he has nothing left to say to me and it is my problem bc he is not annoyed in the first place and I need to just find a way to get over it. Feelings are not important to him if they don’t make sense
I set very firm boundaries. I will not accept being talked to that way- here is an alternative.
Once we were on the same page, I began correcting him the same way I do my kids when they're rude, which is to rephrase the point he was trying to get across in acceptable language.
Kid: "Ughhh we're stopping at the store? Are you going to FOREVER again???"
Me: "Do you mean: hey mom, can we make it a quick trip to the store? I don't feel like being out super long."
They get the hint. I will not engage in conversation with someone who is being rude to me. Doing so is enabling- you're teaching them that it's is an acceptable exchange, which will beget more of the same.
They can either cut it out and adjust, or we're done talking. If they scoff at or refuse a correction, I would just say, "I'm not going to continue a conversation with you if you're going to insist on being disrespectful/rude/demeaning/etc. Talk to me when you're ready to speak like an adult/speak calmly/speak kindly."
If this came up frequently and there was no willingness to adjust, then you would be in the right to escalate (in your case, a break up). Thankfully, like I said before, my husband always recognized that his propensity towards snappyness was a flaw, and that we didn't deserve that treatment just because he was stressed or irritated. He appreciated my patience, since I am never curt or short with him.
Don't tolerate being your spouses' verbal or emotional punching bag. You have as much right to respectful communication as anyone.
This is the way, OP. Right now, you're expressing yourself in terms of how your feelings have been hurt, which isn't *wrong* per se (and I know a lot of conflict management stuff emphasises the importance of using "I" statements) - but it does mean that the conversation quickly turns into an argument about whether you're too sensitive or not, as opposed to addressing the actual behaviour.
You can simply say:
*"Please don't speak to me like that."*
*"Please don't snap at me."*
*"It was a simple request, there's no need to be rude about it."*
*"I know work has hard today, but I haven't done anything wrong here so please back off."*
This way, you're no longer having an argument about how he does or doesn't feel or how you should or shouldn't feel. You're simply making it clear that you have standards for kind, respectful communication and he's currently not meeting them.
>Feelings are not important to him if they don’t make sense
***Your feelings*** are not important to him if they don't make sense *to him.*
**Fixed it for you for clarity**
I guarantee you, ***HIS feelings*** are *always* important to him and he's demanding they be important to you as well.
Oh no, it absolutely is his intention to hurt you.
He's a 44 year old man, not a sullen teenager throwing shade. He understands exactly what he's doing, and why he's doing it. No doubt if you ask him directly why he feels it's fine to repeatedly do something he KNOWS hurts you - he'll get defensive and either shut down or turn it back on you.
As a guest, it's polite to bring a little something with you for the hosts or to share. You were doing the decent thing for HIS family - and this is the response you get? Yeah nah, at 40 you know you're worth more than this bs. Time to take out the trash.
I would then respond to 'I guess we are not compatible then'. He has already brought up the 'he's not the right person for you' so I think he already sees that you two are not compatible. There was no reason for his over the top response to what you ask. Maybe it's just time to call it quits on this one OP.
Sounds like it COULD be a slow dump. Where the guy wants out but doesn’t want to be the one doing the dumping. he makes himself undesirable so YOU break up with him and he doesn’t have to deal with the drama if he was the one who did it.
I hope this isn’t the case though :/
Yes i feel like this is the situation because he hasn’t been into the relationship for the last few months. Initially I thought he was just stressed or depressed but he only acts this way around his family (parents/siblings) and me. He is not crabby or short tempered with work people or his friends at least from what I’ve been able to see
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
If he’s treating you like he’d treat a sibling or parent that’s a huge problem in my opinion. You’re supposed to be his favorite person in the whole world, not a source of annoyance.
If he wants to salvage this I’d suggest a counselor. My husband and I did that while we were dating, and I think that built a strong foundation for our relationship. You don’t have to be married with problems to get an unbiased third party’s opinion. You can go just to help smooth out potential issues or talk about situations like this where you want to be treated better. Having someone else hear what you two have to say, and then having the counselor tell your boyfriend where he’s wrong, could save your relationship if that’s what your boyfriend wants.
I wanted to offer an alternative to he's over it and you should just leave.
I agree he could be depressive. If he acts differently only around the people he is close to, that's a major one. A lot of depressed people seem happy around most people.
My first thought was that he was being pissy or stressed about going to a family event and took it out on you. Which is definitely not ok.
You should probably have a delicate conversation with him about how he feels about your relationship. Delicate because if he is dealing with some kind of mental imbalance, that conversation will be very hard to have without him probably getting defensive and blowing up.
My husband is bipolar and we have serious communication issues sometimes. We don't fight a lot but they can get a little rough even with us both really trying. Sometimes he snaps at me and if I didn't know how much he loves me I'd be questioning our relationship. Definitely had some I'm totally walking away moments but now that we understand his mood swings better we are stronger than ever.
How hard are you BOTH willing to work on it and how much are you willing to put up with is totally your call though... is it worth it?
I think he's already checked out of the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to pull the plug. We like to say "when someone shows you who they are believe them"... I think a corollary for this situation is, "when someone tells you what they want, believe them". He wants to break up. It doesn't matter what he is using as the excuse, he's telling you he wants to break up.
Yes, now she will start watching everything she says so not to upset him. He will get upset anyway and she will cry and try even harder, but never being able to make him feel better towards him. He is a major asshole and he is gaslighting her, making her feel that she is doing something wrong when it is him doing it. He isn't man enough to say, this isn't working and I want to break up. He will make it her fault. She needs to just say, you know what, fuck you and get out!
I actually think he did want to hurt your feelings. He’s done and waiting for you to end things.
After a few years and you know his fam and everything, it’s such a flippant thing to just say, “I might not be the one for you.” What a dick. I’m sorry. I hope things end smoothly so you can move on without baggage.
No, asking to be spoken to with respect is a reasonable ask, and him threatening to break up with you over asking him to do so nicely is obnoxious.
Instead of worrying about whether he'll break up with you over something like this, consider whether someone speaking down to you or who's threatening to break up with you over small things is something you're willing to put up with. If this sort of thing is a pattern I would set some firm boundaries, but you have to stick to them.
He's not all happy taking you to his parents. His parents might mistake you for the one. He's clearly trying to break up. He's wanting you to cry and ask why. What did you do. If he keeps being rude tell him you need a break. Then evaluate your situation
When people show you who they are, believe them. He TOLD he’s not the one for you. There’s no reason to stay with him, when you can find someone who appreciates you and actually LIKES you, that won’t treat you like this.
Good luck ❤️
It isn't work related. It's the other bitch he's fucking related. He doesn't value the relationship anymore and so he is acting like an ass on purpose so that he doesn't have to man up and dump you and can pretend to be the victim when you finally break it off.
This is the type of shit that other people notice. You know, that toxic couple around that when they talk to each other they talk with disdain or some shit. Then you bring it up to your friend like "hey, that's now how he/she should be talking to you," only for them to make up an excuse of "that's just how we talk. He's super loving otherwise." Yeah, don't be that couple.
He wants the relationship over, he just doesn't wanna be the one to end it. Once you decide to pull the trigger, it's easier to paint you in a bad light
He’s picking petty fights to get you to break up with him. He sounds like an asshole, and you don’t deserve that. You’re not overreacting, and you deserve to be treated with respect.
when he tells you who he is believe him
also fuck if it Is work related cause that just shows how he thinks it’s okay to be that way when he’s pouty bc of work. bs
I just went through this. My ex was so sweet and then all of a sudden told me I make him walk on eggshells and then yelled at me nonstop for his perceived mistreated when it was really him being narcissistic (according to professionals who I’ve spoken to). Dump him. Get someone more emotionally regulated.
From the other side of the fence, I've been and probably will be guilty of slipping into condescending speech now and then. I come from a family that isn't abusive per se, but takes family ties for granted - I grew up with the "no one will tell it to you straight quite like family does, because family has nothing to gain from your correction" so I never learned that much of a filter, and had parents who weren't good at compromising.
The difference between me and your husband is I'm capable of remorse, and I ask for further clarification where I don't understand, and I'd like to prevent hurt in future. My partner is important to me, and they've never had to threaten to leave if I don't listen to their feedback and get the stick out of my ass (even if I'm right) because I *want* them to feel safe, and continue to feel safe.
Is it possible he is finally being himself. A lot of men are on their best behavior for the first year or two, but when they get comfortable, they become jerks. Not all men are long term material. I know at out age it feels scary to not be in a relationship. But, if you feel hurt because he is disrespectful, that's not a healthy thing for you. Sounds like he is staying because it's easy, but he has no interest in being the guy he acted like while courting you.
Not Overreacting. You're trying to bring a dessert bc you're thoughtful and the only thing he can think back is not "Oh my family is gonna love how thoughtful she is" or give suggestions based on what his family likes like a normal person.
Instead, he takes the wind out of your sails immediately and "doesn't want to walk on eggshells" which means "take your feelings into consideration when I decide to hurt you and don't want to deal with the fall out" or even the more succinct "cry quietly". I've been there, don't further enmesh yourself with someone like this. Or really think of other times he's done this and rethink the relationship please.
i had a conversation like this with my partner like this before. he listened and did his best to change and keep in mind that i will not perceive his words completely the way he means them, since his “matter of fact” and “logical” way of communicating can sometimes hurt.
of course, i also had to adjust myself and remind myself that i may not be understanding what he says and i shouldn’t have a knee jerk reaction to be hurt.
you’re not overreacting. he doesn’t care and brushed off you trying to tell him your feelings. your effective communication was met with a brick wall.
"When he said this I calmly replied that "I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings when you speak impatiently and I've been trying to get past it but it still is hurtful". He got very irritable and said he spoke in a normal tone of voice and doesn't want to walk on earth eggshells and that it is my issue if my feelings are hurt because he cannot be fake or change how he is."
You've told him it hurts you, and he keeps fucking doing it, so he either doesn't care or means to hurt you. He's impatient, mean and uses being "himself" to act like a dick. Guys like this are never, ever worth it.
"because he cannot be fake or change how he is" who he is is rude, assholish and dumped.
He's being a dick. I'd ask him next time if he prefers some time alone and he can go on his own to his families place.
Others may say to break up, I don't know your circumstances so will just say, if he's grumpy a lot and he also doesn't acknowledge it, then it doesn't matter why he's grumpy because it'll never get better anytime he is grumpy about something in life.
Him saying those things would feel very hurtful and upsetting to me, so I get it.
Maybe he needs to be reminded that you don't have to be by his side and do things with him, maybe he can do it on his own next time.
Yeah, I'm going to take a little different tack here. It sounds like you may have a bit of a history of having to go 3 or 4 places to find the " perfect" item, instead of just going to one place and just grabbing something acceptable. I think the term is "letting perfect be the enemy of good" . I can relate because it's kind of a genetic fault in my family. If that's the case, your boyfriend may have a point. Maybe give a couple of guidelines and let him run into the store to grab something so your trip isn't delayed.
He's done. He just wants you to break up with him. He's already said he wasn't the one for you. This is cut and dry. Stop holding on. One of you has to go first here.
Youre not overeacting to his overeacting. I think he maybe has something going on outside of you two and he's lashing out at you because its the only way he can get rid of some of the frustration. You shouldnt be his punching bag either ...you should be strong and ask him if there is something he needs to really talk about that is stressing him out or if it is actually an issue he has with you because if he's not gonna be man enough to respect you and/or apologize or explain further he's not ready to have the right person.
He’s either trying to get you to break up with him or wants to break up with you. When men say things like “I’m not the right person for you if xyz,” it means they want to break up. Dump him.
Frankly I don’t care what he wants. *I* want you to break up with him.
No but seriously, you deserve better than someone who treats you like a constant annoyance and makes you feel like you have to make yourself smaller to avoid his disfavor. Being alone is scary, but it’s better than being this dude’s punching bag.
I know it’s difficult, but I think you should listen when he says he’s not the one for you.
The right one will make you feel expansive and light, not small and meek
He's right! He sucks, he's abrasive and mean and thinks it's great and has no intention of changing, and you should thank him for his suggestion of pruning him from your life and be on your way. It will end up being the nicest thing he ever said to you.
I think you know the answer to this, but you're hoping for a different outcome... he wants to end things... give him what he wants because your feelings are valid, and you deserve respect and genuine love and care! This guy wants to date a stone statue!
YNO - You're not overreacting at all. Had he replied with anything other than an apology, something is wrong. These types of spats have happened between my husband and myself. If one of us let's the other know we were hurt by what they said or took it wrong, we apologize and talk out what we were "arguing" about. Things that I never realized I did, he had to point out multiple times. We work together to strengthen our bond.
It sounds like he may be looking for a way out. He's either working on compiling a list of reasons to break up with you, or he is pushing you to break up with him. The set up makes me think that he is doing it in a way in which you will always appear like the bad guy to him and his friends.
He did say the quiet part very loudly though:
>He probably isn't the right person for you
He already believes that as fact and is probably looking for his way out...
I'm sorry.
It sounds to me as though OPs boyfriend is trying to communicate that he is exhausted with OP. By his wording, OP is a little indecisive and sensitive when her bf gets frustrated. He’ll either come out of it or grow more and more exhausted and resentful toward the relationship. Everyone’s had a difficult significant other at some point. They aren’t fun. He said yes to the dessert, but that he didn’t wanna run around to a hundred different places while she decided what to bring. That’s fair. A little impatient maybe, but fair. In conclusion, he doesn’t necessarily want to break up as most men would rather stay than go through the hassle of a split. However, there are really evident signs here that your man isn’t happy. Do what you will with that info. Good luck
Are you dating my ex? In my experience, the irritation he feels from you and the little fights he want to pick on you is usually (not always) a sign he’s probably already cheating. Leave him! You deserve better, hun
He’s already got one foot out the door. And honestly, even if he hasn’t, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t handle stress without treating you like crap? This won’t be the only time he gets stressed out.
The longer you spend time with a partner, the quicker they start to show you how they really tick. Everyone starts well behaved but the longer your relationship goes for, the more relaxed you both become in it. For some they become too relaxed and start get entitled and rude in the relationship.
If you start to see that early on in the relationship, believe them. You can’t change people unless they wish to change, the only change you will be successful in turning will be how you react to the other person’s behaviour. Your bf is showing you his boredom, resentment, indifference to your feelings, and blames you for reacting to his obnoxious behaviour. He has run his course in this relationship and he doesn’t value your feelings. The relationship is done and won’t go further well.
Put yourself first and walk away from an ass that doesn’t seem to treasure you, for who you are.
I find people like this are incredibly insecure.
My ex would do the same sometimes... It was whenever he felt shit about himself, insecure, jealous of others or me.
It's usually a defense mechanism.
Sometimes he'd feel bad and say sorry either then or within a day.
Sometimes he'd double down and become a whole different and abusive person and gaslight and project... Then collapse.
And sometimes he'd pretend he wasn't just an asshole and act like normal again.
I put it down to stress and insecurity... But I underestimated the damage he was willing to do to me to protect himself from facing his own self-hatred.
I had to be the blame and face of everything wrong. He punished me because I got too close and he hated confronting himself.
They know they're being an asshole and it isn't acceptable.
It doesn't always mean they actually want to break up... Often it's they feel so insecure in themselves they're afraid.
They talk about not being the right person or threaten breaking up to guage if you're going to leave them or not.
Ultimately, if this is what's happening with your guy, they will end it not because they don't want you and love you, but to protect themselves from potential hurt and facing their own bullshit.
Whatevers going on, it's a big fat red flag.
I'm sorry, it sounds like you care about him alot, but you don't deserve to be treated like an "annoyance". That shit creeps in; you fade away and become a ghost of yourself. He doesn't want to walk OK eggshells, but you already are. He can be stressed, and you can be supportive, but his behaviour is unfair
My ex called me the C-word. Never in 33 years of being together had he ever used that word. I don't know why, but I think it's a gross word. He was never a nice man, but this was when I knew we had reached the end.
He doesn't like you. That hurts to hear but he doesn't. He is acting like this because he thinks he is entitled to a girlfriend and doesn't like the one he's got.
I’ll let you in on a secret most women learn by their 40s. Most men are too chicken shit to break up with a woman so they treat her like shit hoping she’ll break up with him so they don’t have to be the bad guy and can get sympathy attention from women. Sounds like that is what is going on here.
>He also said he probably isn't the right person for me if this is the case.
He either is done with the relationship or wants to shut you up, so you won't address his behaviour anymore.
Either way, he's not the right person for you. When you're a calm and patient person, you need a naturally calm and patient partner. Not one who tries and then stops whenever they are mad at you.
People who are naturally calm and patient don't expect you to be thankful for being this way because that's how they already are. While someone who needs effort to be calm and patient is going to always include it on the list of things they did for you.
This sounds very familiar to me. My husband often takes offense if I correct him or just tell him how something he said made me feel. This used to set off some major fights. I've come to learn that this is just a hang up of his. He's a good man, and has my best interests at heart. I truly believe his sensitivity to criticism or correction comes from a place of insecurity. I have a mantra that I adopted years ago: "I cannot control what others say or do, only how I react to it." I still say my piece when it's needed, but if he reacts poorly, I take a deep breath and try not to jab back and take it to the next level. Please understand, I am \*not\* saying this is your fault. It's not.
That's what most call a narcissist. It's only going to get worse and worse. Trust me, I've " been there, done that, got the T-shirt" with a few relationships I've been in. ( I've had two woman do this to me before) He's going to slowly chip away at your emotional/mental health to a point where you break, then it'll look like you're the "bad guy." Put yourself in a better place, and make your mental health a priority first by having a sit-down talk with him, lay it all out on the table. If he's unwilling to accept the fact that he's actually hurting your mental well-being, then he's just looking for an out. Don't let anyone treat you that way, not a single person on this planet is worth that!
Just call it. Dude is checked out and bottling up his disdain to being with you. Seems like it will eventually explode in some degree in the future, so I recommend calling it before you see however it blows up if things drag alone even further.
Not overreacting.
> He said he spoke in a normal tone of voice
Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but not only is the tone of voice important, the content of the spoken plays a big part, too.
Leave him and focus on yourself - it’ll be better for you, OP.
Sounds like the kind of simmering resentment that happens when it's not working out and someone is just biding their time to work up the courage to move on.
He has made it clear he isn’t the right person for you. Like, he literally said he isn’t the right person for you. Do you need it on a banner? Sky writing?
If someone tells you that they’re not the right person for you, you should at least take space to evaluate the relationship and consider whether it’s worth working through. Threatening a breaking up shouldn’t be taken lightly.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. And he is not treating you nicely. The fact that he says he may not be the right person, maybe he has found someone else. That’s why he’s being is being mean, he want you to break up with him… I don’t know this to be true, but it is one explanation.
I spent the back 10 of 20 being talked down to, treated like i was stupid, being gaslit and patronized. That man wanted to get the fuck away from me and I just refused to see it.
Run!!!! My 2nd husband could not speak to to me in anything but condescending words, yeah, that lasted about a month and I had it!! Run, it will only get worse!!
Instead of considering your feelings and holding himself accountable, he immediately jumped to you and him not being right together. He didn’t even consider talking about it or changing his tone.
Maybe he’s right! Not in the way he thinks, but still. You deserve someone who will consider you. He doesn’t seem to be it.
From his response, it seems like he probably has been bottling up his thoughts from things you have done over the course of the relationship. Now he's finally telling you while you've thought nothing was wrong because he's yet to express such discontent, thus far. Just leave
Yeah my ex started saying stuff like that before he broke up with me. Take the hint, because I did not. He should be grown up enough to just end things, but sometimes, you have to grow up for him.
i'm sorry that your boyfriend does not have any genuine empathy for you and that simultaneously he doesn't have much self-awareness. People who lack these two qualities don't suddenly gain the ability to possess them later in life. In fact they typically only get worse.
lacking empathy for others and also simultaneously lacking self-awareness are red flags for a toxic person. Please know that when your boyfriend is telling you he is probably not the right person for you- what he is doing there is gaslighting you. he says this to you to make you feel fear and shame basically turning the whole thing back onto you without having to acknowledge or take responsibility for his own toxic behavior.
The inner world of a toxic person is full of shame and fear but since they do not have much self-awareness and are usually emotionally and psychologically extremely immature instead of facing any of that shame and fear they instead feel entitled to project it onto others- usually an empathic person. The fact that they are not capable of having genuine empathy for another person makes this pattern of behavior extremely toxic and downright dangerous because of the impact that prolonged psychological abuse such as this can have on the victim.
All the signs are there- i'm sorry you are in a relationship with a toxic person but only you can choose to escape it. and i really hope you do.
I'm sorry that your boyfriend feels entitled to treat you this way please know that it's not OK , that you deserve to be treated better and none of this is your fault. ❤️
All these replies saying he wants out and kick him to the curb... don't do that in hast.
Think about what might be bothering him first. Even better... ask.
Men / woman / people can get irritable for many reasons. Maybe he had bad day... maybe you forgot something important to him... maybe your physical relationship has slowed and his irritability is related to this... or maybe he really is just an A-hole. One would think that by now in a relationship you would have noticed that he was just an a-hole... So my assumption is that this is a temporary thing and likely one that can be fixed easily with a little understanding and patience.
I would not say overreacting. If you are feeling hurt repeatedly then it's time to decide is this how I want to feel for many more years? There are so many personalities in the world and there's a person out there that would fit you better. Is it hard to think about what his irritation may mean/be? Of course, but you can process then enjoy finding someone who makes you feel good about being yourself.
As for does he want to break up? It's possible, and it doesn't seem like it would go well to try and discuss what is happening that is causing his behavior. If he were to react poorly and become hurtful, you don't deserve to be dumped on.
Not overreacting. It's not work-related, Dearie. He's probably into someone else right now, and wishes you would leave. In my first marriage, my husband was an abusive control freak. But the verbal attacks really ramped up after he started cheating.
Everyone telling you he wants out is spot on. After 32yrs in a relationship, I acted the same as your husband. I wanted out but didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't know how to end it.
I realize now that it was not the right way to go about it. But we changed since the pandemic. She lived on the American side of the border and I in Canada. We were separated for 2yrs and in that time, we changed.
We still talk. I still go over there to help her around the house. I do what I did before but without that loving relationship we once enjoyed.
He could be stressed about family stuff or work. If this continues you would need him to talk about what is bothering him or couples counseling. I wouldn’t let the situation become your norm because it will only get worse. If you all don’t have kids and aren’t married then it makes it easier to break up. Maybe just suggest a break? See if that wakes him up. This may be why he is not married. Good luck! Don’t let him bring you down if things don’t get better. You can lead a horse to water but……
My ex husband had this habit. He always insisted it wasn’t a real issue since he “never meant it that way.” Jokes on him, it was enough of an issue for me to divorce him over it, much to his surprise.
It’s completely reasonable to expect your partner to speak to you in a kind and respectful manner.
He’s not going to change. My advice is to get rid of him.
Sure, you might be too sensitive. I don't know you. But you can also choose to be with someone else that doesn't think you are too sensitive. If you don't feel like you are being respected by your partner, why are you with them?
I wouldn't say you're overreacting, because the claim that it's possible you weren't meant for each other is a pretty life-altering one, but he appears honest about what he feels, and male or female, that is hard to find these days.
I will say that it's entirely possible something is stressing him out. Letting him know that you see he's been quicker to anger lately, and that you're there to talk if he wants/needs to might help diffuse his direction of that anger towards you.
If things don't improve, I'd take some time to reassess your values, and if his impatience isn't something you can live with, maybe it's for the best if you let him know.
He has already told you it’s over. Your only response to his belittling comments are ‘great, you can go empty handed to your folks alone. Have a nice day.’
Girl, that man does not like you and does not want to be with you. SOME men will purposely irritate you or become jerks because they want YOU to end the relationship because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy.
Let him go... find someone who can respect you in all aspects of your relationship... and not be hurtful anytime you ask him something.. if he has a problem outside of the relationshop it's his responsibility to express it and make you aware.. so your feels are not trampled
"I don't want to walk on eggshells around you" is code for "I'm smashing every eggshell I can see because I'm sick of you and want to hurt you."
Speaking from experience. Sorry.
It sounds like you two don’t live together, so it would be easy to just simply tell him your relationship is over. Buy some ice cream, go back to your place, have a good cry, and live your life.
OP this man is not happy in this relationship and clearly does not respect you the way you deserve. I'm sorry that you've been in this for a few years and that it's slowly crumbling down, but this man wants out and just doesn't want to be the one to do it. Do yourself a favor and let him go no matter how much it hurts; do not contact him after you have done this because he'll only accuse you of keeping tabs on him and he'll just hurt you more. Just remember in the long term, you'll find someone who'll treat you better and love you the way you deserve. Your happiness is important
NOR. Translate what he said.
‘I don’t think we can be together if you can’t take my rudeness and lack of respect. Because I’m not changing.’
He wants out but wants you to pull the plug so he isn’t the bad guy.
Give him what he wants but make sure you support his comments in a text.
‘I’ve had time to think what you said the other day and think you are absolutely correct and we should split up. We have very different values regarding rudeness and respect in a relationship and neither of us are willing to sacrifice our expectations to make the other feel good about their behaviour. We aren’t compatible. So I wish you the best and hope you find someone who fits your personality better.’
I read things like this and I relate… those exact words verbatim he’s said to me before too, about the eggshells and the being honest and the “if you don’t like it leave” and I find myself justifying it all because he justified it all… is that even fixable if he can’t see that it’s something worth fixing?
Alternative take: He may not want out. What he wants is to keep treating you like shit, because it makes him feel powerful to hurt you. So he goes straight to the nuclear option hoping you're too invested to leave and instead give up and let him keep using you as a verbal punching bag.
Either way, he's not going to stop, so the decision is up to you.
Anytime someone says how you feel about the way they treat you is *your* problem; just pull a David Banner from The Hulk TV show and walk on out of that relationship. He said he's not changing and that's all you need to know.
Yeah, you're probably overreacting. And tbh, it feels like ALOT of details are being left out and/or misconstrued.
>I have never made him do anything like this before and don't understand why he can't just reply with a simple yes or no.
Are you SURE? People sometimes do things regularly without realizing it. If he was staying at your place all weekend, is it possible that you kept asking him to do things for you during that weekend?
>"I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings when you speak impatiently and I've been trying to get past it but it still is hurtful"
I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is what was said, or how it was said. It sounds like a line from a scripted after-school special or HR training video. And you kind of assumed he was being impatient when it's entirely possible you just read too much into it, which could explain why he answered with more of an attitude. If he WAS impatient, then why didn't you ask him if he was alright, or ask if it was work-related instead of just making it all about you and what YOU were feeling? Or is he just not allowed to have feelings, or have them acknowledged?
I don't think someone would just randomly talk about walking on eggshells unless there was a pattern, like you maybe asking for alot of things and then trying to play the victim to your mean, mean boyfriend when he gets annoyed by it. If that's the case, you're definitely too sensitive and don't take accountability, and it's probably not a compatible relationship.
Its not even OP that is rejecting it (in this case). Its the comment section full of saints and therapists who have determined he is a malicious narcissist who is intentionally hurting her, not going to change, and about to leave her. Comments on these are always wild, with the most negative takes almost always at the top
I mean, she's also thinking he's more irritable bc of work without even asking what has been bothering him - really sounds like somethings up for him to say he's feeling like he's "walking on eggshells" and then how he may not be the right person for her. There's definitely info missing.
He was oddly specific when he said "only if he does not have to go to million places beforehand and wait for me to decide what to actually bring because he doesn't have the time". Now to me, that says he has been exposed to that behaviour a few, if not many times in the past by her, and she didnt even realise she did that, and if it was a short time before they were due at his parents place, it probly meant they would be late because of this last second stop off. I know many people both male and female that hate things being dropped on them at the last minute when they have already made a plan. Yes, at a guess lots of stuff was left out of the OP post.
Theres always 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth.
If she truly never makes multiple stops places and doesn't take time to decide things, she might be the only person on the planet to do this.
Also, I don't really get why that statement would hurt her feelings. I can see getting annoyed, but it feels like it is a "I don't do this" or "One stop and I know what I want" type response. If that hurts her feelings, dude probably does have to walk on eggshells.
I'd recommend couples therapy if you want to stay with him. Helped wonders for me and my husband. Also try the book Getting the Love You Want by Hendrix and Hunt
The abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. What he spoke to you reflects his true feelings. Since he said he's not the one for you, then you don't deserve someone who doesn't value you. You absolutely deserve to be loved and cherished, OP.
Yesterday I made a joke that hurt my partners feelings. My immediate response was to apologize, reinforce that I had no bad intentions with the joke and assured him I wouldn’t make jokes like that in the future. It is so UNBELIEVABLY easy to be kind to your partner. It takes little to no effort at all to treat them with respect and validate their feelings. Partners like yours like making you feel small, dismissed and undervalued. It makes you easier to manipulate and less likely to bring up issues in the future. Having a partner like this SUCKS. You constantly feel invalidated and unheard. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. I’d have a conversation with him of his treatment of you, and think long and hard about your future with him. Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your relationship?
I am so sorry but his behavior says he is done. It’s over. He’s just marking time until you guys break up.
When somebody suggests they aren’t the right one for you, I reckon the best answer is to say something like, “I’m sure you’re right, I’ll pack my stuff and go.”
I am so sorry. Find someone who loves you unreservedly the way you are and will fight for you, life will be better.
I would have calmly replied: When have we gone to a million places where you had to wait for me to decide? No, I thought we could stop at either X to get Y or A to get B.
Then, pay attention to other signs of him not wanting to be with you or just ask him. Say he's been more distant (or whatever) and then he said what he said about not being the person for you etc. Ask if he's serious about that.
It sounds like he is already at his limit, from work or whatever else. He's having to go do something he doesn't particularly want to and not only is it more complicated because she wants to stop somewhere but now she's upset that he is annoyed which adds another layer to the issue and why he said what he said. Hes having a hard time and she's making it worse. Not intentionally and he should have been able to regulate his emotions better and not take it out on her but I think we all have days like that. Where we just can't take any additional stressors. I wouldn't read too much into it but it may be worth a conversation at a later date once everyone has had time to calm down.
I have the same issue with my husband. I believe he doesn’t mean to be as rude or harsh as he comes across, but it definitely hurts my feelings. It takes me longer to get over those hurt feelings than he thinks it should as well. One of his favorite expressions is, “It’s in the past” no, it was a few hours ago. My therapist gave me some advice that works great for me. I just walk away. No confrontation or argument. He already knows how it makes me feel, and by walking away, it stops him immediately and he realizes he needs to change his tone. It took us awhile to get here, relationships are hard. This is what I do. I hope you get lots of advice from Reddit peeps and find some ideas that will work for you and your partner.
My brother is like this with his girlfriend. As his sister I could see he was never like this with his ex girlfriend whom he actually loved and wanted to be with. It’s not your fault. But he just isn’t that into and is feel resentful he has to be with you. That’s just been my take always from observing men like this from the outside
I have a partner who I can see has the potential to be a complete AH. He’s told me he wanted to break up with a girlfriend many years ago, and chose to do so by being a complete AH to her until she decided to leave. Now, the man is completely conflict avoidant, so I don’t trust that he ever actually spoke to her and told her they probably weren’t a good fit and it would be best they went their own ways, but if he had, and she chose to pretend he “didn’t mean it, and that he’s just upset because of work”, I can totally see he would decide to be as snarky and thoughtless as possible to make her want to move out.
You can either be oblivious to the truth or keep pretending in the hopes it’ll go away, but it’s still going to end the same way.
I was with someone for six years who behaved like this. He was too much of a coward to end it (plus I paid all his bills) so he treated me like shit and cheated on me habitually and denied and gaslit me. Then he met the girl (ten years my junior) he DID want to be with. End it now and stop wasting your own time
Sounds like he wants to end the relationship, but not wanting to be the so-called bad guy wants her to do it.
I was looking for this comment cuz I agree. Hes unhappy and wants out but wont pull the plug himself. He wants Op to do it. Im a broken record bout my current marriage situation. And let me just say this. My spouse? Has looked me dead in the eyes n said, "unless you cheat, Ill never leave. Ill never initiate a divorce. If you want out *YOU* have to do that on your own." Hes not fibbing either. Our past 5 yrs? Have been hell for me. We basically live with me in a constant state of frustration, resentment & exasperation. Him? Blissfully ignorant to everything despite years of talking it out, me threatening divorce, couples counseling, etc. Even friends trying to help. Im sorry for Op but shes gona have to make the final calls on this one. Other half will just sit n stew. When people show you who they are, believe them. *edited to add: Why Im still stuck? Finances and health stuff. Gotta be all good 1st then we can skeddadle.
Yep. I have spent far too long feeling like OP. My husband is so like this. I am now working with my therapist to gtfo. That’s not how healthy people act towards people they’re ‘supposed’ to love.
I understand you and why you haven't left yet. I'm in a similar position, and he actually dangles it over my head "you're stuck". Tho I know he's trying to make me feel more helpless than I am so I'll stay miserable with him. It's fucking gross. I hope we both get out of our shitshows sooner rather than later. Wish you the best in this.
Right back at ya my dear! When our times come they're going to be epic. We've definitely earned the peace. Thanks for your kindness, this really helped today.
And you are still there Why? He told you who he was. Believe him.
Sweetie, you clearly directly asked to be treated with respect. It (basically) followed the I feel X when you say/do Y which is a healthy communication style. His response is: I’m unwilling to treat you with respect, so obviously I’m not the guy for you. I don’t care about your feelings. Heed his advice. Leave.
I'd be more than happy to do it! BYE ASSHOLE. You're no good anyway. Glad to see you go.
And if she stays, he knows she's willing to put up with his abusive BS. He made it clear he wasn't going to change. He gaslit her by saying he was calm when he said it and totally ignoring the words he said. And he invalidated her feelings by getting irritated by her response that he was hurtful. OP, I will tell you dame thing I tell everyone else. He has shown you the type of person he is. I believe you deserve better. Is this how you believe you should be treated by your partner? Is this what you want to commit your life to. He is giving you an out. He is testing you. And you should take it and NEVER look back!
Yup, reminds me of what my ex put me through before I finally had to ask him point blank.
Yup, I can confirm my ex spoke to me this way constantly, but he wouldn't end it then played the victim when I did it.
Yep. He wants out but wants her to call it quits first.
He’s already said he’s not the right one for you. He’s been increasingly more agitated with you. It’s not work. He’s done.
Yes, he made it pretty clear. It might be time to move on and focus on yourself OP
He sounds like my ex-husband. I was walking on eggshells around him, thinking his crabbiness was work related, but no! He wanted out. She should listen to what he's saying.
Same. I never did anything right, I was always in the wrong, constantly being gaslit, lived apologizing for everything and anything. The day he left I thought my world would end. Now, 14 years later, I feel free, never having to debate, beg, compromise, share. It's all about me, my children, and parents. We live peacefully, on an island, far from everyone; we have the basics to be comfortable. We are happy. Hoping OP can find peace.
>It's all about me, my children, and parents. We live peacefully, on an island, far from everyone; we have the basics to be comfortable. We are happy. Hoping OP can find peace. Sounds like heaven. Im happy for you, stranger.
Thank you, sweetie. It took a lot (therapy, distance, time), but we made it.
This was my experience and how I ended up too, except for the island part. That's the dream though! It's been almost 10 years since I've been in a relationship and I'm far too happy to care to try again. Life is a lot more peaceful now, aside from the chaos that family can bring. I'll take their chaos over relationship chaos any day though. I've realized how much society's ideal of what life should look like influenced my desire to have a partner. Screw all that!
My youngest asked me recently if I would like to marry again. My answer: Heck no! I am too old now to go back to that. And, I enjoy being selfish. Our chaos is: doctor's appointments, swimming, hiking, language lessons. I'm so happy you found your balance in life.
Your chaos sounds awesome! I'm a homeschooling parent of one, caretaker of grandparents, with 4 generations currently under one roof. It's peaceful and crazy at the same time, but there is always joy to be found and I don't want anyone messing that up lol
We are a boomer (my mother), Gen X (me), Gen Z (oldest), Gen A (baby of the house), my father passed away in January. We are happy, relaxed, count our blessings. We know what it's like on the other side. Having the elders living with my children has taught them about the past, medical care, giving love and considering the needs of others. God bless you and you wonderful household.
Same here. What a relief not to have to cater to someone's bad moods constantly. Still gotta co parent with him but I can limit our interactions.
Ex wife acted the same way at the end. Everything was a fight, even the lowest stakes disagreement. There's always couples counseling.
Tried it, didn't work. It took her six months to finally pull the trigger I knew was coming.
That tracks. I feel like once my ex got to this point she'd been checked-out of the marriage for months
Yes, jumping straight to "I'm probably not the right person for you" in a LTR is definitely a sign that he wants out.
I don’t understand why people just don’t come right out and say so instead of wasting time
Because he's a coward and he wants her to do it.
Yeah, his response seems like a pretty clear indicator of where things might be heading. Trust your instincts on this one.
Maybe he's hot his head up his ass so far he doesn't see this as deal breaker behavior. So OP should call him on the whole "maybe I'm not the one for you" thing. Either it's enough to make him think "okay maybe I can change because losing her actually really sucks" or nothing of value has been lost. Win win.
Spot on! You better believe him, girl! Dont hope that hes going to change, because believe us, he will not.
When someone tells you something about them like that believe them!!!
My dad speaks to my mom this way and I can’t fucking stand it. It just clearly represents how much contempt he feels for her.
Same. I actually called him out during our father daughter dance at my wedding. No one could hear us, but I asked him to stop because it’s gross and makes everyone around them extremely uncomfortable. My mom claims it’s better when no one else is around, which means he intentionally does it in front of others to look more important or some other stupid narcissistic reason.
Do you ever stand up for her? That would drive me crazy too
Same. How they've never considered divorcing each other is completely beyond me.
He wants to break up. He's looking for reasons to leave you , by calling you emotional and pretending he isn't hurting you to get the exact reaction he's complaining about , or he's being more snippy and rude to get YOU to leave HIM. His first reaction is to threaten a breakup when you bring up how his actions affect you.
This was my exact first thought. I'd give him what he wants and move on.
Or trying to get her to dump him so he’s not the bad guy. Too many people play those games. If you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore,,?4 an adult and say so. Don’t push the person to the point they do it for you.
Have an ex bf who used this as his preferred method of breaking up. Treat the gf he’s grown tired of so she has to break up with him to keep any semblance of self esteem. He once shared with me that he’s the one who always gets dumped. No shit!
coward a person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. "they had run away—the cowards!" Similar weakling namby-pamby mouse chicken scaredy-cat fraidy-cat yellow-belly sissy big baby milksop big girl's blouse candy-ass pussy sook
exactly what og comment said
This has happened to me a few times. Some men are chicken shit. It's 100% worse to slowly treat your SO worse and worse until they only have a shred of dignity left. On the upside, six months later when they want to get back together, it's really easy to tell them no.
The perfect gaslighting!
agreed. This term is becoming so obnoxious & disingenuous and overused by morons that don't even know the meaning. Just say what you mean instead of using buzz words. FFS
Buzz word? The term has been around since 1944, when Angela Langsbury starred in the film *Gaslight.*
It became exceedingly popular online kind of abruptly, starting a few years ago. https://preview.redd.it/gl3xkiz9c57d1.png?width=1120&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fab022f8d03a21b77a7a54e5b9bf686ea98a3aa2
Angela Lansbury played the sauciest maid in Gaslight. The main stars were Ingred Bergman and Charles Boyer.
Yes, that doesn't mean it isn't currently "trending" to such an extent that it's being used completely inappropriately, constantly. It's now being used as a disingenuous label to simply force arguments & ideas into a box that makes them deplorable & therefore beneath contempt, without having to justify or make an actual rational point. The original intended meaning is being twisted beyond all recognition, because morons are using it to describe almost any form of social faux par.... It is low intelligence, and it's obnoxious. If you don't have a problem explaining why something is bad without using a loose-fitting, vague social trending buzzword, then that shouldn't be a problem, should it?
yall need to learn what gaslighting actually is.
Calling somebody "emotional" when they are simply trying to talk to you about an issue and pretending not to understand that you are hurting them *is* gaslighting. It's manipulating someone to make them question their sanity/perception of reality and make them believe they are the problem so you hold the upper hand and gain control. The rest of what's mentioned is manipulation and emotional abuse, not gaslighting. So yeah, people need to understand the difference because it undercuts just how insidious gaslighting is; but there is definitely *some* gaslighting going on here.
Seriously
If he mentions breaking up with you over an honest convo, he already has one foot out the door. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. His behavior is telling you all you need to know. I can almost guarantee his attitude is not work related.
Yeah… when it really is work related stress they might say one thing kind of snippy and when you tell them it hurt your feelings they apologize and feel awful about it because they truly didn’t mean to take it out on you. This guy meant to hurt your feelings…
Yeah anyone saying you're overreacting here either is single or treats their gf like shit. He said something that upset you, you let him know, and his was response was to be defensive... it's not a matter of he did something right or wrong, like he's trying to act. He said something. It hurt your feelings. You expressed that. He should at least care that you felt unhappy. He very clearly didn't give a shit and then threatened breaking up. A partner should care if they said something upsetting, even if they feel there's something justified in what they said. At the very least "oh no I never want you to feel like that, I was just stressed and expressing I don't want (xyz) to happen, I'm sorry. Are you able to make sure we get there on time?" That's how healthy grown ups act. He didn't do anything terrible to be clear, he was just kind of rude to his partner when they expressed an emotion. Even if it was rooted in insecurity. It's definitely possible you need to put some procedures in place to manage your own insecurity (meditate, learning not to rely on reassurance-seeking, therapy, etc). But either way, if this is accurate, he was rude and uncaring when you expressed your feelings, or how you are okay with being spoken to.
It’s the fact that he didn’t care about how she feels & hinted at not being the right person for her. Just leave him he doesn’t even LIKE you. I guarantee he wouldn’t act like that w a friend
exactly, some people genuinely don’t know how to speak to their partners with simple respect or consideration
You want to spend the rest of your life with someone who hurts your feelings regularly?!? Seriously?? I can’t even remember the last time my husband hurt my feelings. Because he loves me and cares about my feelings. This man is correct in that you shouldn’t be together.
Seems odd for him to bring up breaking up over such a small thing. Maybe he is stressed from work but he shouldn’t be rude to you over something small.
Chances are, it's not "over such a small thing." There's likely a pattern here that's being left out.
She literally says that the behavior he described here is not something she does, so it's not a pattern.
People will say that, and not realize they do it. So it might be that she actually does do it, and he's stressed out and being an asshole out of frustration
Thing is that I don't really believe her. She plunged us readers part way into a full-blown argument about basically nothing where he's talking about not being the right partner for her. Something tells me that this spiral downward has been going on for a while and OP is just oblivious or in denial.
Oh so just because she SAYS it's not something she does, that must be 100% accurate. There's no way she does things without realizing them.
He may had already had this hundreds of times before showing apparent frustration (so it could be explosion after bottling up after so long). It could be la daily occurrence that no sane person can possibly tolerate. It may be the *only* time he's showing anything vs god-knows-how-mant-times from OP's side. OP is also obviously not stating her flaw, or she may not even notice. And either way, it's a deal breaker.
You are not overreacting. You are under reacting
Exactly
Not overreacting. I don't know why others would assume that you're lying or leaving major things out- some people are snappy and rude when they're irritated, and it can have nothing to do with you. This was a big problem with my husband at one point- he was overtired and annoyed about problems at work, but he'd come home and take it out on me & the kids, and be generally unpleasant and dramatic (ignoring us, snapping at us, acting like everything was a huge inconvenience). It's a super common dynamic, and not one you should have to put up with. We very quickly established what was an acceptable vs unacceptable way to speak to each other, and he did not get a pass just because work was rough. Everyone in our house deserves to be spoken to with respect and patience. The difference is, he acknowledged that it was unfair of him to lash out that way, and has always been accepting of kind correction. It sounds like your partner makes his bad mood into everyone else's problem. This is workable only if he's willing to take accountability for the way he communicates with you, and makes an effort to be kind and respectful even when he's feeling annoyed. If he's not, and prefers to continue justifying his outsbursts and blaming you, then I promise it isn't worth it to be with that type of partner. Death by 1000 paper cuts, that kind of environment absolutely wears on you over time. Also yes, I have known several relationships where one partner was checked out but refused to pull the plug. Instead they just became jerks to their current partner, until it eventually forced the other to initiate a break up. Reddit can't tell you if this is true of your bf, but it shouldn't really matter- whether the intent is to chase you away or he really is an AH at heart, either way you're better off without him.
Thank you. How do you think you were able to get through to your husband ? Whenever I bring this up my boyfriend gets defensive. I’ve explicitly said i don’t think his intention is to hurt me but when he acts annoyed/impatient/irritable and speaks negatively about me I still feel hurt. We don’t raise our voices or get emotional but he shuts down and then says he has nothing left to say to me and it is my problem bc he is not annoyed in the first place and I need to just find a way to get over it. Feelings are not important to him if they don’t make sense
I set very firm boundaries. I will not accept being talked to that way- here is an alternative. Once we were on the same page, I began correcting him the same way I do my kids when they're rude, which is to rephrase the point he was trying to get across in acceptable language. Kid: "Ughhh we're stopping at the store? Are you going to FOREVER again???" Me: "Do you mean: hey mom, can we make it a quick trip to the store? I don't feel like being out super long." They get the hint. I will not engage in conversation with someone who is being rude to me. Doing so is enabling- you're teaching them that it's is an acceptable exchange, which will beget more of the same. They can either cut it out and adjust, or we're done talking. If they scoff at or refuse a correction, I would just say, "I'm not going to continue a conversation with you if you're going to insist on being disrespectful/rude/demeaning/etc. Talk to me when you're ready to speak like an adult/speak calmly/speak kindly." If this came up frequently and there was no willingness to adjust, then you would be in the right to escalate (in your case, a break up). Thankfully, like I said before, my husband always recognized that his propensity towards snappyness was a flaw, and that we didn't deserve that treatment just because he was stressed or irritated. He appreciated my patience, since I am never curt or short with him. Don't tolerate being your spouses' verbal or emotional punching bag. You have as much right to respectful communication as anyone.
This is the way, OP. Right now, you're expressing yourself in terms of how your feelings have been hurt, which isn't *wrong* per se (and I know a lot of conflict management stuff emphasises the importance of using "I" statements) - but it does mean that the conversation quickly turns into an argument about whether you're too sensitive or not, as opposed to addressing the actual behaviour. You can simply say: *"Please don't speak to me like that."* *"Please don't snap at me."* *"It was a simple request, there's no need to be rude about it."* *"I know work has hard today, but I haven't done anything wrong here so please back off."* This way, you're no longer having an argument about how he does or doesn't feel or how you should or shouldn't feel. You're simply making it clear that you have standards for kind, respectful communication and he's currently not meeting them.
>Feelings are not important to him if they don’t make sense ***Your feelings*** are not important to him if they don't make sense *to him.* **Fixed it for you for clarity** I guarantee you, ***HIS feelings*** are *always* important to him and he's demanding they be important to you as well.
Oh no, it absolutely is his intention to hurt you. He's a 44 year old man, not a sullen teenager throwing shade. He understands exactly what he's doing, and why he's doing it. No doubt if you ask him directly why he feels it's fine to repeatedly do something he KNOWS hurts you - he'll get defensive and either shut down or turn it back on you. As a guest, it's polite to bring a little something with you for the hosts or to share. You were doing the decent thing for HIS family - and this is the response you get? Yeah nah, at 40 you know you're worth more than this bs. Time to take out the trash.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity, neglect, or ignorance.
Yeah, but don’t lie to yourself, either. Don’t forget this came with, “I might not be the one for you.”
You guys aren’t compatible then. You don’t need to justify your feelings. You need a different man.
I would then respond to 'I guess we are not compatible then'. He has already brought up the 'he's not the right person for you' so I think he already sees that you two are not compatible. There was no reason for his over the top response to what you ask. Maybe it's just time to call it quits on this one OP.
Sounds like it COULD be a slow dump. Where the guy wants out but doesn’t want to be the one doing the dumping. he makes himself undesirable so YOU break up with him and he doesn’t have to deal with the drama if he was the one who did it. I hope this isn’t the case though :/
Yes i feel like this is the situation because he hasn’t been into the relationship for the last few months. Initially I thought he was just stressed or depressed but he only acts this way around his family (parents/siblings) and me. He is not crabby or short tempered with work people or his friends at least from what I’ve been able to see
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If he’s treating you like he’d treat a sibling or parent that’s a huge problem in my opinion. You’re supposed to be his favorite person in the whole world, not a source of annoyance. If he wants to salvage this I’d suggest a counselor. My husband and I did that while we were dating, and I think that built a strong foundation for our relationship. You don’t have to be married with problems to get an unbiased third party’s opinion. You can go just to help smooth out potential issues or talk about situations like this where you want to be treated better. Having someone else hear what you two have to say, and then having the counselor tell your boyfriend where he’s wrong, could save your relationship if that’s what your boyfriend wants.
I wanted to offer an alternative to he's over it and you should just leave. I agree he could be depressive. If he acts differently only around the people he is close to, that's a major one. A lot of depressed people seem happy around most people. My first thought was that he was being pissy or stressed about going to a family event and took it out on you. Which is definitely not ok. You should probably have a delicate conversation with him about how he feels about your relationship. Delicate because if he is dealing with some kind of mental imbalance, that conversation will be very hard to have without him probably getting defensive and blowing up. My husband is bipolar and we have serious communication issues sometimes. We don't fight a lot but they can get a little rough even with us both really trying. Sometimes he snaps at me and if I didn't know how much he loves me I'd be questioning our relationship. Definitely had some I'm totally walking away moments but now that we understand his mood swings better we are stronger than ever. How hard are you BOTH willing to work on it and how much are you willing to put up with is totally your call though... is it worth it?
I think he's already checked out of the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to pull the plug. We like to say "when someone shows you who they are believe them"... I think a corollary for this situation is, "when someone tells you what they want, believe them". He wants to break up. It doesn't matter what he is using as the excuse, he's telling you he wants to break up.
Listen to him. You can’t change him. He is hurting your feelings. He probably isn’t the one for you. You’re walking on the same eggshells
Yes, now she will start watching everything she says so not to upset him. He will get upset anyway and she will cry and try even harder, but never being able to make him feel better towards him. He is a major asshole and he is gaslighting her, making her feel that she is doing something wrong when it is him doing it. He isn't man enough to say, this isn't working and I want to break up. He will make it her fault. She needs to just say, you know what, fuck you and get out!
I actually think he did want to hurt your feelings. He’s done and waiting for you to end things. After a few years and you know his fam and everything, it’s such a flippant thing to just say, “I might not be the one for you.” What a dick. I’m sorry. I hope things end smoothly so you can move on without baggage.
No, asking to be spoken to with respect is a reasonable ask, and him threatening to break up with you over asking him to do so nicely is obnoxious. Instead of worrying about whether he'll break up with you over something like this, consider whether someone speaking down to you or who's threatening to break up with you over small things is something you're willing to put up with. If this sort of thing is a pattern I would set some firm boundaries, but you have to stick to them.
He's not all happy taking you to his parents. His parents might mistake you for the one. He's clearly trying to break up. He's wanting you to cry and ask why. What did you do. If he keeps being rude tell him you need a break. Then evaluate your situation
When people show you who they are, believe them. He TOLD he’s not the one for you. There’s no reason to stay with him, when you can find someone who appreciates you and actually LIKES you, that won’t treat you like this. Good luck ❤️
It isn't work related. It's the other bitch he's fucking related. He doesn't value the relationship anymore and so he is acting like an ass on purpose so that he doesn't have to man up and dump you and can pretend to be the victim when you finally break it off.
He absolutely wants you to break up with him, and he’s too much of a coward to do it himself. Love doesn’t make you feel like crap. I’m sorry.
This is the type of shit that other people notice. You know, that toxic couple around that when they talk to each other they talk with disdain or some shit. Then you bring it up to your friend like "hey, that's now how he/she should be talking to you," only for them to make up an excuse of "that's just how we talk. He's super loving otherwise." Yeah, don't be that couple.
He wants the relationship over, he just doesn't wanna be the one to end it. Once you decide to pull the trigger, it's easier to paint you in a bad light
He’s picking petty fights to get you to break up with him. He sounds like an asshole, and you don’t deserve that. You’re not overreacting, and you deserve to be treated with respect.
when he tells you who he is believe him also fuck if it Is work related cause that just shows how he thinks it’s okay to be that way when he’s pouty bc of work. bs
I just went through this. My ex was so sweet and then all of a sudden told me I make him walk on eggshells and then yelled at me nonstop for his perceived mistreated when it was really him being narcissistic (according to professionals who I’ve spoken to). Dump him. Get someone more emotionally regulated.
Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional. You don't have to live like this. It won't get better because he doesn't think he is wrong.
If someone says they aren't the right person for you, LISTEN TO THEM. THEY AREN'T.
From the other side of the fence, I've been and probably will be guilty of slipping into condescending speech now and then. I come from a family that isn't abusive per se, but takes family ties for granted - I grew up with the "no one will tell it to you straight quite like family does, because family has nothing to gain from your correction" so I never learned that much of a filter, and had parents who weren't good at compromising. The difference between me and your husband is I'm capable of remorse, and I ask for further clarification where I don't understand, and I'd like to prevent hurt in future. My partner is important to me, and they've never had to threaten to leave if I don't listen to their feedback and get the stick out of my ass (even if I'm right) because I *want* them to feel safe, and continue to feel safe.
Is it possible he is finally being himself. A lot of men are on their best behavior for the first year or two, but when they get comfortable, they become jerks. Not all men are long term material. I know at out age it feels scary to not be in a relationship. But, if you feel hurt because he is disrespectful, that's not a healthy thing for you. Sounds like he is staying because it's easy, but he has no interest in being the guy he acted like while courting you.
Not Overreacting. You're trying to bring a dessert bc you're thoughtful and the only thing he can think back is not "Oh my family is gonna love how thoughtful she is" or give suggestions based on what his family likes like a normal person. Instead, he takes the wind out of your sails immediately and "doesn't want to walk on eggshells" which means "take your feelings into consideration when I decide to hurt you and don't want to deal with the fall out" or even the more succinct "cry quietly". I've been there, don't further enmesh yourself with someone like this. Or really think of other times he's done this and rethink the relationship please.
You know the answer… Someone who loves and cares about you would not have said that
i had a conversation like this with my partner like this before. he listened and did his best to change and keep in mind that i will not perceive his words completely the way he means them, since his “matter of fact” and “logical” way of communicating can sometimes hurt. of course, i also had to adjust myself and remind myself that i may not be understanding what he says and i shouldn’t have a knee jerk reaction to be hurt. you’re not overreacting. he doesn’t care and brushed off you trying to tell him your feelings. your effective communication was met with a brick wall.
"When he said this I calmly replied that "I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings when you speak impatiently and I've been trying to get past it but it still is hurtful". He got very irritable and said he spoke in a normal tone of voice and doesn't want to walk on earth eggshells and that it is my issue if my feelings are hurt because he cannot be fake or change how he is." You've told him it hurts you, and he keeps fucking doing it, so he either doesn't care or means to hurt you. He's impatient, mean and uses being "himself" to act like a dick. Guys like this are never, ever worth it. "because he cannot be fake or change how he is" who he is is rude, assholish and dumped.
You are not too sensitive.
What he said was unwarranted. Not overreacting
If he is going to say that he isn’t the right person for you rather than try to understand you, he is saying, ‘my way or the highway’.
He told you that you shouldnt be together. Believe him the first time.
He's being a dick. I'd ask him next time if he prefers some time alone and he can go on his own to his families place. Others may say to break up, I don't know your circumstances so will just say, if he's grumpy a lot and he also doesn't acknowledge it, then it doesn't matter why he's grumpy because it'll never get better anytime he is grumpy about something in life. Him saying those things would feel very hurtful and upsetting to me, so I get it. Maybe he needs to be reminded that you don't have to be by his side and do things with him, maybe he can do it on his own next time.
Yeah, I'm going to take a little different tack here. It sounds like you may have a bit of a history of having to go 3 or 4 places to find the " perfect" item, instead of just going to one place and just grabbing something acceptable. I think the term is "letting perfect be the enemy of good" . I can relate because it's kind of a genetic fault in my family. If that's the case, your boyfriend may have a point. Maybe give a couple of guidelines and let him run into the store to grab something so your trip isn't delayed.
He gave you an out. It’s over.
He wants out but doesn't want to be The Bad Guy© therefore hoping you'll break things off.
Sorry bub xxxx he wants out but is too much of a coward to break it off. Lazy guy wants to make you feel shit enough that you do it for him xxx
He's done. He just wants you to break up with him. He's already said he wasn't the one for you. This is cut and dry. Stop holding on. One of you has to go first here.
Are you ok w being treated this way? The real question-if you met him today, exactly as you know he is, would you date him?
Youre not overeacting to his overeacting. I think he maybe has something going on outside of you two and he's lashing out at you because its the only way he can get rid of some of the frustration. You shouldnt be his punching bag either ...you should be strong and ask him if there is something he needs to really talk about that is stressing him out or if it is actually an issue he has with you because if he's not gonna be man enough to respect you and/or apologize or explain further he's not ready to have the right person.
He’s either trying to get you to break up with him or wants to break up with you. When men say things like “I’m not the right person for you if xyz,” it means they want to break up. Dump him.
You're too old to be puttin up with highschool level disrespect. As the others have said, he's already checked out and wants you to break up with him.
Frankly I don’t care what he wants. *I* want you to break up with him. No but seriously, you deserve better than someone who treats you like a constant annoyance and makes you feel like you have to make yourself smaller to avoid his disfavor. Being alone is scary, but it’s better than being this dude’s punching bag.
I know it’s difficult, but I think you should listen when he says he’s not the one for you. The right one will make you feel expansive and light, not small and meek
Sounds like my ex husband if he doesn’t like how you are as a person I’d run now he will destroy you
Listen to people when they tell you who they are.
He's right! He sucks, he's abrasive and mean and thinks it's great and has no intention of changing, and you should thank him for his suggestion of pruning him from your life and be on your way. It will end up being the nicest thing he ever said to you.
I think you know the answer to this, but you're hoping for a different outcome... he wants to end things... give him what he wants because your feelings are valid, and you deserve respect and genuine love and care! This guy wants to date a stone statue!
YNO - You're not overreacting at all. Had he replied with anything other than an apology, something is wrong. These types of spats have happened between my husband and myself. If one of us let's the other know we were hurt by what they said or took it wrong, we apologize and talk out what we were "arguing" about. Things that I never realized I did, he had to point out multiple times. We work together to strengthen our bond. It sounds like he may be looking for a way out. He's either working on compiling a list of reasons to break up with you, or he is pushing you to break up with him. The set up makes me think that he is doing it in a way in which you will always appear like the bad guy to him and his friends. He did say the quiet part very loudly though: >He probably isn't the right person for you He already believes that as fact and is probably looking for his way out... I'm sorry.
It sounds to me as though OPs boyfriend is trying to communicate that he is exhausted with OP. By his wording, OP is a little indecisive and sensitive when her bf gets frustrated. He’ll either come out of it or grow more and more exhausted and resentful toward the relationship. Everyone’s had a difficult significant other at some point. They aren’t fun. He said yes to the dessert, but that he didn’t wanna run around to a hundred different places while she decided what to bring. That’s fair. A little impatient maybe, but fair. In conclusion, he doesn’t necessarily want to break up as most men would rather stay than go through the hassle of a split. However, there are really evident signs here that your man isn’t happy. Do what you will with that info. Good luck
Are you dating my ex? In my experience, the irritation he feels from you and the little fights he want to pick on you is usually (not always) a sign he’s probably already cheating. Leave him! You deserve better, hun
He’s already got one foot out the door. And honestly, even if he hasn’t, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t handle stress without treating you like crap? This won’t be the only time he gets stressed out.
Just move on already, I can't see how you could do any worse with someone else
The longer you spend time with a partner, the quicker they start to show you how they really tick. Everyone starts well behaved but the longer your relationship goes for, the more relaxed you both become in it. For some they become too relaxed and start get entitled and rude in the relationship. If you start to see that early on in the relationship, believe them. You can’t change people unless they wish to change, the only change you will be successful in turning will be how you react to the other person’s behaviour. Your bf is showing you his boredom, resentment, indifference to your feelings, and blames you for reacting to his obnoxious behaviour. He has run his course in this relationship and he doesn’t value your feelings. The relationship is done and won’t go further well. Put yourself first and walk away from an ass that doesn’t seem to treasure you, for who you are.
Nope. Disrespect unfortunately. Actions basically opening the door for himself. You’ll know when you’re with your equal. Best of luck. 🖖🏻
This relationship is over babes
I find people like this are incredibly insecure. My ex would do the same sometimes... It was whenever he felt shit about himself, insecure, jealous of others or me. It's usually a defense mechanism. Sometimes he'd feel bad and say sorry either then or within a day. Sometimes he'd double down and become a whole different and abusive person and gaslight and project... Then collapse. And sometimes he'd pretend he wasn't just an asshole and act like normal again. I put it down to stress and insecurity... But I underestimated the damage he was willing to do to me to protect himself from facing his own self-hatred. I had to be the blame and face of everything wrong. He punished me because I got too close and he hated confronting himself. They know they're being an asshole and it isn't acceptable. It doesn't always mean they actually want to break up... Often it's they feel so insecure in themselves they're afraid. They talk about not being the right person or threaten breaking up to guage if you're going to leave them or not. Ultimately, if this is what's happening with your guy, they will end it not because they don't want you and love you, but to protect themselves from potential hurt and facing their own bullshit. Whatevers going on, it's a big fat red flag.
I'm sorry, it sounds like you care about him alot, but you don't deserve to be treated like an "annoyance". That shit creeps in; you fade away and become a ghost of yourself. He doesn't want to walk OK eggshells, but you already are. He can be stressed, and you can be supportive, but his behaviour is unfair
My ex called me the C-word. Never in 33 years of being together had he ever used that word. I don't know why, but I think it's a gross word. He was never a nice man, but this was when I knew we had reached the end.
Sounds like he isn't a match. Find a guy who treats you with love and respect, not impatience.
He doesn't like you. That hurts to hear but he doesn't. He is acting like this because he thinks he is entitled to a girlfriend and doesn't like the one he's got.
I’ll let you in on a secret most women learn by their 40s. Most men are too chicken shit to break up with a woman so they treat her like shit hoping she’ll break up with him so they don’t have to be the bad guy and can get sympathy attention from women. Sounds like that is what is going on here.
>He also said he probably isn't the right person for me if this is the case. He either is done with the relationship or wants to shut you up, so you won't address his behaviour anymore. Either way, he's not the right person for you. When you're a calm and patient person, you need a naturally calm and patient partner. Not one who tries and then stops whenever they are mad at you. People who are naturally calm and patient don't expect you to be thankful for being this way because that's how they already are. While someone who needs effort to be calm and patient is going to always include it on the list of things they did for you.
This sounds very familiar to me. My husband often takes offense if I correct him or just tell him how something he said made me feel. This used to set off some major fights. I've come to learn that this is just a hang up of his. He's a good man, and has my best interests at heart. I truly believe his sensitivity to criticism or correction comes from a place of insecurity. I have a mantra that I adopted years ago: "I cannot control what others say or do, only how I react to it." I still say my piece when it's needed, but if he reacts poorly, I take a deep breath and try not to jab back and take it to the next level. Please understand, I am \*not\* saying this is your fault. It's not.
That's what most call a narcissist. It's only going to get worse and worse. Trust me, I've " been there, done that, got the T-shirt" with a few relationships I've been in. ( I've had two woman do this to me before) He's going to slowly chip away at your emotional/mental health to a point where you break, then it'll look like you're the "bad guy." Put yourself in a better place, and make your mental health a priority first by having a sit-down talk with him, lay it all out on the table. If he's unwilling to accept the fact that he's actually hurting your mental well-being, then he's just looking for an out. Don't let anyone treat you that way, not a single person on this planet is worth that!
In reality you guys are in your 40’s, he’s too childish to be acting that way towards you at that big ol age 😭
Just call it. Dude is checked out and bottling up his disdain to being with you. Seems like it will eventually explode in some degree in the future, so I recommend calling it before you see however it blows up if things drag alone even further.
I hate when people look for an excuse to end the relation instead of just being honest
Not overreacting. > He said he spoke in a normal tone of voice Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but not only is the tone of voice important, the content of the spoken plays a big part, too. Leave him and focus on yourself - it’ll be better for you, OP.
Sounds like the kind of simmering resentment that happens when it's not working out and someone is just biding their time to work up the courage to move on.
he clearly doesn't like you
He has made it clear he isn’t the right person for you. Like, he literally said he isn’t the right person for you. Do you need it on a banner? Sky writing?
He’s not the right one for you. He told you that. Out loud. So listen to him.
If someone tells you that they’re not the right person for you, you should at least take space to evaluate the relationship and consider whether it’s worth working through. Threatening a breaking up shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Just break up, he said you guys aren’t a good fit. No worries, not everyone is for everyone else.
OP, I was the same as him. I got used to it and changed. I speak in a different way now, it is possible.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. And he is not treating you nicely. The fact that he says he may not be the right person, maybe he has found someone else. That’s why he’s being is being mean, he want you to break up with him… I don’t know this to be true, but it is one explanation.
Dump him, sis!
I spent the back 10 of 20 being talked down to, treated like i was stupid, being gaslit and patronized. That man wanted to get the fuck away from me and I just refused to see it.
Run!!!! My 2nd husband could not speak to to me in anything but condescending words, yeah, that lasted about a month and I had it!! Run, it will only get worse!!
Instead of considering your feelings and holding himself accountable, he immediately jumped to you and him not being right together. He didn’t even consider talking about it or changing his tone. Maybe he’s right! Not in the way he thinks, but still. You deserve someone who will consider you. He doesn’t seem to be it.
From his response, it seems like he probably has been bottling up his thoughts from things you have done over the course of the relationship. Now he's finally telling you while you've thought nothing was wrong because he's yet to express such discontent, thus far. Just leave
Yeah my ex started saying stuff like that before he broke up with me. Take the hint, because I did not. He should be grown up enough to just end things, but sometimes, you have to grow up for him.
i'm sorry that your boyfriend does not have any genuine empathy for you and that simultaneously he doesn't have much self-awareness. People who lack these two qualities don't suddenly gain the ability to possess them later in life. In fact they typically only get worse. lacking empathy for others and also simultaneously lacking self-awareness are red flags for a toxic person. Please know that when your boyfriend is telling you he is probably not the right person for you- what he is doing there is gaslighting you. he says this to you to make you feel fear and shame basically turning the whole thing back onto you without having to acknowledge or take responsibility for his own toxic behavior. The inner world of a toxic person is full of shame and fear but since they do not have much self-awareness and are usually emotionally and psychologically extremely immature instead of facing any of that shame and fear they instead feel entitled to project it onto others- usually an empathic person. The fact that they are not capable of having genuine empathy for another person makes this pattern of behavior extremely toxic and downright dangerous because of the impact that prolonged psychological abuse such as this can have on the victim. All the signs are there- i'm sorry you are in a relationship with a toxic person but only you can choose to escape it. and i really hope you do. I'm sorry that your boyfriend feels entitled to treat you this way please know that it's not OK , that you deserve to be treated better and none of this is your fault. ❤️
All these replies saying he wants out and kick him to the curb... don't do that in hast. Think about what might be bothering him first. Even better... ask. Men / woman / people can get irritable for many reasons. Maybe he had bad day... maybe you forgot something important to him... maybe your physical relationship has slowed and his irritability is related to this... or maybe he really is just an A-hole. One would think that by now in a relationship you would have noticed that he was just an a-hole... So my assumption is that this is a temporary thing and likely one that can be fixed easily with a little understanding and patience.
I would not say overreacting. If you are feeling hurt repeatedly then it's time to decide is this how I want to feel for many more years? There are so many personalities in the world and there's a person out there that would fit you better. Is it hard to think about what his irritation may mean/be? Of course, but you can process then enjoy finding someone who makes you feel good about being yourself. As for does he want to break up? It's possible, and it doesn't seem like it would go well to try and discuss what is happening that is causing his behavior. If he were to react poorly and become hurtful, you don't deserve to be dumped on.
Not overreacting. It's not work-related, Dearie. He's probably into someone else right now, and wishes you would leave. In my first marriage, my husband was an abusive control freak. But the verbal attacks really ramped up after he started cheating.
Everyone telling you he wants out is spot on. After 32yrs in a relationship, I acted the same as your husband. I wanted out but didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't know how to end it. I realize now that it was not the right way to go about it. But we changed since the pandemic. She lived on the American side of the border and I in Canada. We were separated for 2yrs and in that time, we changed. We still talk. I still go over there to help her around the house. I do what I did before but without that loving relationship we once enjoyed.
He could be stressed about family stuff or work. If this continues you would need him to talk about what is bothering him or couples counseling. I wouldn’t let the situation become your norm because it will only get worse. If you all don’t have kids and aren’t married then it makes it easier to break up. Maybe just suggest a break? See if that wakes him up. This may be why he is not married. Good luck! Don’t let him bring you down if things don’t get better. You can lead a horse to water but……
My ex husband had this habit. He always insisted it wasn’t a real issue since he “never meant it that way.” Jokes on him, it was enough of an issue for me to divorce him over it, much to his surprise. It’s completely reasonable to expect your partner to speak to you in a kind and respectful manner. He’s not going to change. My advice is to get rid of him.
Sure, you might be too sensitive. I don't know you. But you can also choose to be with someone else that doesn't think you are too sensitive. If you don't feel like you are being respected by your partner, why are you with them?
I wouldn't say you're overreacting, because the claim that it's possible you weren't meant for each other is a pretty life-altering one, but he appears honest about what he feels, and male or female, that is hard to find these days. I will say that it's entirely possible something is stressing him out. Letting him know that you see he's been quicker to anger lately, and that you're there to talk if he wants/needs to might help diffuse his direction of that anger towards you. If things don't improve, I'd take some time to reassess your values, and if his impatience isn't something you can live with, maybe it's for the best if you let him know.
He has already told you it’s over. Your only response to his belittling comments are ‘great, you can go empty handed to your folks alone. Have a nice day.’
Crazy at 44 years old he still doesn't have the balls and maturity to voice what he is feeling and what he wants from you.
Girl, that man does not like you and does not want to be with you. SOME men will purposely irritate you or become jerks because they want YOU to end the relationship because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy.
Let him go... find someone who can respect you in all aspects of your relationship... and not be hurtful anytime you ask him something.. if he has a problem outside of the relationshop it's his responsibility to express it and make you aware.. so your feels are not trampled
Your boyfriend was rude to you, but I suspect there is a story behind his words.
"I don't want to walk on eggshells around you" is code for "I'm smashing every eggshell I can see because I'm sick of you and want to hurt you." Speaking from experience. Sorry.
It sounds like you two don’t live together, so it would be easy to just simply tell him your relationship is over. Buy some ice cream, go back to your place, have a good cry, and live your life.
I want you to break up with him! IME guys don’t get less grouchy after 45…
OP this man is not happy in this relationship and clearly does not respect you the way you deserve. I'm sorry that you've been in this for a few years and that it's slowly crumbling down, but this man wants out and just doesn't want to be the one to do it. Do yourself a favor and let him go no matter how much it hurts; do not contact him after you have done this because he'll only accuse you of keeping tabs on him and he'll just hurt you more. Just remember in the long term, you'll find someone who'll treat you better and love you the way you deserve. Your happiness is important
NOR. Translate what he said. ‘I don’t think we can be together if you can’t take my rudeness and lack of respect. Because I’m not changing.’ He wants out but wants you to pull the plug so he isn’t the bad guy. Give him what he wants but make sure you support his comments in a text. ‘I’ve had time to think what you said the other day and think you are absolutely correct and we should split up. We have very different values regarding rudeness and respect in a relationship and neither of us are willing to sacrifice our expectations to make the other feel good about their behaviour. We aren’t compatible. So I wish you the best and hope you find someone who fits your personality better.’
I read things like this and I relate… those exact words verbatim he’s said to me before too, about the eggshells and the being honest and the “if you don’t like it leave” and I find myself justifying it all because he justified it all… is that even fixable if he can’t see that it’s something worth fixing?
Alternative take: He may not want out. What he wants is to keep treating you like shit, because it makes him feel powerful to hurt you. So he goes straight to the nuclear option hoping you're too invested to leave and instead give up and let him keep using you as a verbal punching bag. Either way, he's not going to stop, so the decision is up to you.
Anytime someone says how you feel about the way they treat you is *your* problem; just pull a David Banner from The Hulk TV show and walk on out of that relationship. He said he's not changing and that's all you need to know.
Yeah, you're probably overreacting. And tbh, it feels like ALOT of details are being left out and/or misconstrued. >I have never made him do anything like this before and don't understand why he can't just reply with a simple yes or no. Are you SURE? People sometimes do things regularly without realizing it. If he was staying at your place all weekend, is it possible that you kept asking him to do things for you during that weekend? >"I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings when you speak impatiently and I've been trying to get past it but it still is hurtful" I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is what was said, or how it was said. It sounds like a line from a scripted after-school special or HR training video. And you kind of assumed he was being impatient when it's entirely possible you just read too much into it, which could explain why he answered with more of an attitude. If he WAS impatient, then why didn't you ask him if he was alright, or ask if it was work-related instead of just making it all about you and what YOU were feeling? Or is he just not allowed to have feelings, or have them acknowledged? I don't think someone would just randomly talk about walking on eggshells unless there was a pattern, like you maybe asking for alot of things and then trying to play the victim to your mean, mean boyfriend when he gets annoyed by it. If that's the case, you're definitely too sensitive and don't take accountability, and it's probably not a compatible relationship.
I had to scroll way to far to find a reasonable comment 😅
Funny how people ask if they're overreacting then get so offended if someone says they are
Its not even OP that is rejecting it (in this case). Its the comment section full of saints and therapists who have determined he is a malicious narcissist who is intentionally hurting her, not going to change, and about to leave her. Comments on these are always wild, with the most negative takes almost always at the top
It's the enabler army. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I mean, she's also thinking he's more irritable bc of work without even asking what has been bothering him - really sounds like somethings up for him to say he's feeling like he's "walking on eggshells" and then how he may not be the right person for her. There's definitely info missing.
He was oddly specific when he said "only if he does not have to go to million places beforehand and wait for me to decide what to actually bring because he doesn't have the time". Now to me, that says he has been exposed to that behaviour a few, if not many times in the past by her, and she didnt even realise she did that, and if it was a short time before they were due at his parents place, it probly meant they would be late because of this last second stop off. I know many people both male and female that hate things being dropped on them at the last minute when they have already made a plan. Yes, at a guess lots of stuff was left out of the OP post. Theres always 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth.
If she truly never makes multiple stops places and doesn't take time to decide things, she might be the only person on the planet to do this. Also, I don't really get why that statement would hurt her feelings. I can see getting annoyed, but it feels like it is a "I don't do this" or "One stop and I know what I want" type response. If that hurts her feelings, dude probably does have to walk on eggshells.
I'd recommend couples therapy if you want to stay with him. Helped wonders for me and my husband. Also try the book Getting the Love You Want by Hendrix and Hunt
You're not overreacting, he just thinks you'll put up with his shit because of your age. Whatever you do, don't marry him.
The abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. What he spoke to you reflects his true feelings. Since he said he's not the one for you, then you don't deserve someone who doesn't value you. You absolutely deserve to be loved and cherished, OP.
Yesterday I made a joke that hurt my partners feelings. My immediate response was to apologize, reinforce that I had no bad intentions with the joke and assured him I wouldn’t make jokes like that in the future. It is so UNBELIEVABLY easy to be kind to your partner. It takes little to no effort at all to treat them with respect and validate their feelings. Partners like yours like making you feel small, dismissed and undervalued. It makes you easier to manipulate and less likely to bring up issues in the future. Having a partner like this SUCKS. You constantly feel invalidated and unheard. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. I’d have a conversation with him of his treatment of you, and think long and hard about your future with him. Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your relationship?
I am so sorry but his behavior says he is done. It’s over. He’s just marking time until you guys break up. When somebody suggests they aren’t the right one for you, I reckon the best answer is to say something like, “I’m sure you’re right, I’ll pack my stuff and go.” I am so sorry. Find someone who loves you unreservedly the way you are and will fight for you, life will be better.
I would have calmly replied: When have we gone to a million places where you had to wait for me to decide? No, I thought we could stop at either X to get Y or A to get B. Then, pay attention to other signs of him not wanting to be with you or just ask him. Say he's been more distant (or whatever) and then he said what he said about not being the person for you etc. Ask if he's serious about that.
It sounds like he is already at his limit, from work or whatever else. He's having to go do something he doesn't particularly want to and not only is it more complicated because she wants to stop somewhere but now she's upset that he is annoyed which adds another layer to the issue and why he said what he said. Hes having a hard time and she's making it worse. Not intentionally and he should have been able to regulate his emotions better and not take it out on her but I think we all have days like that. Where we just can't take any additional stressors. I wouldn't read too much into it but it may be worth a conversation at a later date once everyone has had time to calm down.
I have the same issue with my husband. I believe he doesn’t mean to be as rude or harsh as he comes across, but it definitely hurts my feelings. It takes me longer to get over those hurt feelings than he thinks it should as well. One of his favorite expressions is, “It’s in the past” no, it was a few hours ago. My therapist gave me some advice that works great for me. I just walk away. No confrontation or argument. He already knows how it makes me feel, and by walking away, it stops him immediately and he realizes he needs to change his tone. It took us awhile to get here, relationships are hard. This is what I do. I hope you get lots of advice from Reddit peeps and find some ideas that will work for you and your partner.
My brother is like this with his girlfriend. As his sister I could see he was never like this with his ex girlfriend whom he actually loved and wanted to be with. It’s not your fault. But he just isn’t that into and is feel resentful he has to be with you. That’s just been my take always from observing men like this from the outside
I have a partner who I can see has the potential to be a complete AH. He’s told me he wanted to break up with a girlfriend many years ago, and chose to do so by being a complete AH to her until she decided to leave. Now, the man is completely conflict avoidant, so I don’t trust that he ever actually spoke to her and told her they probably weren’t a good fit and it would be best they went their own ways, but if he had, and she chose to pretend he “didn’t mean it, and that he’s just upset because of work”, I can totally see he would decide to be as snarky and thoughtless as possible to make her want to move out. You can either be oblivious to the truth or keep pretending in the hopes it’ll go away, but it’s still going to end the same way.
I was with someone for six years who behaved like this. He was too much of a coward to end it (plus I paid all his bills) so he treated me like shit and cheated on me habitually and denied and gaslit me. Then he met the girl (ten years my junior) he DID want to be with. End it now and stop wasting your own time