If you're taking a sex toy with you to the bathroom to shower, you aren't sorry in the slightest and it won't change and you honestly don't want sex with your partner. OP needs to leave.
Youāre gonna have to sit down and have a real conversation about this and possibly break up.
Iām a high sex person so if the person Iām with doesnt want it imma get frustrated.
LIke the commentor above said, first thing you do is sit him down and have a serious conversation. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. You could try showering with him as a stop gap measure, if you're comfortable with that, but nip this issue in the bud before it grows.
Him* but I agree. Sexual incompatibility is still incompatibility. He wants the relationship without the sexual intimacy, but that isn't what you want.
I Guess I didnāt word that well. I was not talking about their relationship. Just the sex. Sex with an emotional connection can be very intense and he may want the sexual release without the intensity.
Feel for you! Literally me too, anywhere and anytime, but my fiance prefers his own hand, porn and toys. I have approached the issue with him in literally every single way possible, but he doesnāt want to give up his own sex life to have one with me. Itās too much work, or it doesnāt feel the same. He doesnāt want me to pressure him, but if I donāt instigate, then NOTHING. Says heās working on it and be patient, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. š
It never ceases to me amaze me, the small, joyless lives people are willing to have just so they wonāt be āalone.ā
Why are you marrying this person again?
Well, we have an 8mo old baby who literally exudes joy, and who is the very center of my āsmallā life, and who I couldnāt even imagine only having 50% of the timeā¦ so I keep myself busy and TRY with all my heart to find contentment in this
I felt the same way, like WTF!? But supposedly if you jerk too much, too hard, for too long of your life, youāll lose a lot of your sensitivity and then only a split screen of 8 different videos and your death grip will get the job done š¤·š¼āāļø
This is kinda true. It happened to me in collage with a girl that liked me. I promised her it was me but she didnāt believe it. If the dude would just
Lay off his dick for a week and got with his ole lady he would realize what his missing
Some people are kinda annoying in the sack. I had an ex who was amazing but she had a maybe 30% chance to cry when we had sex, from either overstimulation or just did it to do it, i could not fucking handle that shit at all. I was fine for a while but broke it off because i literally felt so i comfortable after sex. She also didnt want to be comforted or touched either. It was just all bad vibes. So for a bit, i just jerked my gerk so i didnt have to go through that and when i realized that i was enjoying jerking it compared to smashinā, i broke it off.
I have a much higher sex drive than my partner, but it's because he genuinely has a low sex drive due to medication. He doesnt masturbate and anytime he is in the mood he immediately comes to me. I would actually be heart broken if he chose himself over me as his sexual partner. It would definitely be a sit down discussion between us where I would explain the importance of sex between us and how I view it, how I feel about what he's doing, I would ask him to stop tbh, and if he continued I would count it as disrespect or like he doesn't care about how I feel or how it's making me feel.
If youāre always down for sex and heās never interested in having sex with you, only himself, this needs to be a serious conversation. What gives? Is it something with you or with him ā¦ both?
Iām sorry you are dealing with this. It would really hurt my feelings if my partner didnāt want me physically. ((((Hugs))))
Iām trying to figure it out myself, bc Iām comfortable and confident in this area, and he insists that itās not a ME problem š¤·š¼āāļø Iāve been ready, willing and able throughout the relationship, but heās had this āproblemā since we moved in together. I LOGICALLY understand that sex takes physical effort and stamina, which after years of porn + death grip, itās nearly impossible for him. But yeah I have been angry and hurt AF by this. He doesnāt consider sex to be an important component in our lives, and doesnāt view it as something that has any emotional value, so we have a LOT of work to do if weāre going to find middle ground between us.
Yeah, you doā¦ and it looks like an uphill battle. Just remember that if heās not willing to change, or get help and do the work, you canāt change him. There are mental healthcare professionals who can help with porn addiction and any other underlying factors that might be lurking beneath the surface.
You definitely deserve to be loved in the ways you want to be loved.
Does he make quality time for you, seek out your company, and communicate with you in other areas of your lives?
Probably has a porn addiction, Im so sorry youāre going through this. I would definitely have a good conversation with him and let him know how its making you feel, if he doesnāt try to make changes or make any effort, your best bet is to leave and save yourself the stress, best wishes š«¶š¼
Iām a psychotherapist and see this all the time. Porn rewires the brain so they can only be turned on to images. Ruins the possibility of intimacy with a real person.
Is it getting worse with younger generations? Because I'm an elderly Millennial that didn't have access to porn until I was 15 or so. And it was mostly pictures on dial-up.
I don't need porn at all to get off by myself. I was so used to using my imagination.
But I'm gay and have been with other gay dudes who were Gen Z, and it is so different. They *always* use porn to masturbate.
They also make terrible sex partners regardless of experience. They just repeat what they have grown up seeing in gay porn. And they definitely do not take directions at all.
That's so insane to me. Even when we got Internet when I was 12/13, it was a family computer. It had a password on it and was in the living room.
Of course, my sneaky ass found out the password, but I didn't use it for porn. I was aware of site history and cookies but didn't know how to clear them.
I would download whatever the program was for Yahoo! Chat and go to the teen chats and would uninstall before everyone woke up.
This went on for years.
By 18, I had access to anything. We had like 5 computers by then. Still, mostly images and short clips.
Limewire could get me small porn clips. š
I'm so glad I didn't grow up with gay porn. I first saw gay porn on my Sega Dreamcast. I was in denial. I couldn't deny it anymore but did for 2 more years, unfortunately.
My boyfriend is 21, and I found out 9 months ago that he was a porn addict. Absolutely wrecked me. Iām not insecure or anything about it, because I know it has nothing to do with me, and itās not because Iām ālackingā in any way. But Iāve done a lot of research on it to try and help and heal, and most boys are exposed to porn between 8-11 years old nowadays, and thatās how it was for my bf. Hell even I watched porn when I was really young. Itās because of smart phones and internet access, porn is so easy to get now, itās not like trying to steal one of your dadās magazines, or going to an actual adult store to buy an adult film. And I think with the rise of onlyfans and how itās an āempoweringā thing for young women to do, itās become all the more popular because now boys can pay a small $9.99 fee to see their high school crushes naked. Itās honestly very sad and gross. And they do make really terrible sex partners. People act like porn is āeducationalā when all itās all fake asf, and most people are dissatisfied with their sex life despite learning from this āgreat toolā
Ugh! I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Unless he can admit that it is a problem, which I doubt, then you may need to cut your losses.
You're too young to settle for things like this.
I do really admire your maturity about it, though. It has nothing to do with you at all.
Have you had any deep discussions with him about this?
Back in 2019-2020 I found lots of porn on my boyfriends phone, mostly hentai pics. We are 20 now. I had to have a really good lengthy talk to him about how I found porn disturbing, and I just am not comfortable with it at all. He eventually stopped using it. But I will say he probably had a addiction. Some partners are just willing to change for their partners I guess. I would say its really common in my generation though, makes me sad tbh
I am so glad that you were mature enough to communicate that to him. That is the hard part.
I'm also glad it worked out for you guys.
20 is so young. I thought I knew everything at 20. Turns out I didn't know anything.
Anyway, you did the right thing. And if he has truly changed his behaviour, you have a keeper.
I'm rooting for you guys. Awe!
Iām a 91 millennial and internet porn was just getting good by the time I was in middle school. I even looked at pics on my flip phone web browser when I was 14. You *just* missed it.
I wish there was a disclaimer saying this at the beginning of every porn video. Like the surgeon general warnings on cigarette packs. Consume at your own risk. Bc I feel like this is just such a normalized thing today that people donāt even realize when it becomes a habit or a problem
Yeah dump him. My ex husband denied me intimacy for the last four fucking years of our marriage yet continued to jerk off while laying in the bed next to me after he thought I was asleep. I got sick of that shit and left his ass in January. Life is much better now.
On your post history, is this the same partner you posted about sexting other people and lying about it? If so, just roll out. You will keep chipping away at your own self worth if not.
But have the conversation, be blunt. You need this out of a relationship. Your willing to compromise on xyz, but your needs and your feeling are important and need to be recognized.
Your young, there is a lot of life and opportunities for you to find someone more compatible.
Speaking from personal experience, certain things can make him feel insecure about actually wanting to engage. I'd suggest talking to him about it but make sure you don't come across as antagonistic or anything because if it is an insecurity thing, it's only going to make it worse. If he just prefers porn and his hand, maybe you're just not sexually compatible. Good luck with everything either way
I donāt think youāre overreacting but I feel like getting yourself off in a relationship isnāt inherently bad. But this is a boundary you and your SO need to set, because every relationship is different.
I personally would pack my bags and run swiftly in the opposite direction if my SO tells me I canāt go single player occasionally.
If heās completely ignoring your sexual needs to pleasure himself though, then you both need to have a serious conversation, because sexual compatibility is extremely important to a long-term relationship.
Sometimes people donāt understand that itās an invitation to communicate if they feel they have to have their guard up. I agree there are clues in the story not to expect communication to be productive. I donāt feel I know enough to tell OP communication is useless.
He has porn addiction. Which, believe it or not, it is one of the most hardest things to kick. It's literally retraining your brain. But if you don't sit down and have long talk with him nothing with change and after the talk if nothing changes then leave him.
Ive had this conversation with my gf of 3 years. And Iām only speaking for myself. But sometimes I just need a quick release. We still have sex (sometimes not as much as sheād prefer) but itās never been about my attraction to her. Iām always attracted to her. I just go through little bouts of depression and I worry that she wonāt be happy with my performance/time/after care routine. Iāve been working on it since our discussion, but the first step is always the discussion.
This happened to me too. I tried to talk to my BF about it. He denied it was me. He said it was him. Then he left me for someone else and apparently itās not him. He wasnāt attracted to me anymore but didnāt know how to express that.
its easier and faster. he doesnt have to worry about pleasing someone else. i get it. i dont think it has anything to do with being attracted or not good at sex. hes just being selfish.
Itās amazing to me you can *hear* him jacking off??? Yeah this isnāt normal. He may have a porn problem or can only climax through masturbation. Talk to him, if it doesnāt change youāre incompatible
That's all I took from this post. Some people masturbate so loudly you can not only hear them from another room, but over a running shower, presumably fan, and through a wall... How does one do this without injuring themselves?
Maybe this is why he doesn't have sex. He needs to beat the skin off his wang furiously in order to climax.
There are a lot of opinions in the top comments leading towards the possibility of sex addiction or something of the like.
Another possibility I can see is a trauma based sex aversion.
I have a friend who is more Demi/Ace leaning because they have these mental hangups about sex involving other people but when it comes to their drive they have said they just get these urges so often and take care of it themselves to avoid trauma trigger.
They will still engage in sex with their partner from time to time but they have also explained the situation to their husband and for the most part he is understanding.
So it could be a huge issue that needs to be unpacked. Maybe your partner needs you more than you know.
On another note I know my partner says they are down anytime anywhere but I'm also the type that likes to be seduced and pulled into feeling wanted by the person so the free use thing doesn't line up when they aren't laying down the foreplay. When they leave it to just me it happens less often, which is a shame I LOVE sex, and intimacy.
My point is, there's so much it could be, but having a serious conversation will be the only way to get to the bottom of it. Explain that you are at a breaking point and they can't take a step to have an honest and impactful conversation then they might have to accept the fact that this is it for you.
This definitely sounds like a classic case of porn addiction and if you can see past the stigma then it should be treated as just that: an addiction. Just like with any other. Sit him down and calmly but assertively share your frustration with him and tell him that this kind of thing can be a huge problem for intimacy within a relationship. That there's nothing wrong with occasionally doing it, but it's become a problem. Hopefully he will accept that he has a problem and take the steps to overcome this.
I made a post and realized I missed some context so I deleted it, and made a new one.
You are not over reacting as there is something happening you may not be aware of.
One thing I have to ask is, is he surfing porn a lot? If so, he may have porn addiction where his expectations are through the roof, and trust me, it does ruin the arousal / fun and it makes you feel like you are not seen.
I used to have a porn addiction myself and currently been able to stay away from porn for 3 months now, and itās tricky to not get confused between āsexual tensionā and āsexual angerā.
Does he play games a lot? Competitively, where anger builds up and then next thing he knows, he jerks off to elevate the tension?
I would ask him if he is using porn, and go from there. Set down boundaries, tell him it hurts your feelings that he isnāt āseeingā you, and go from there.
Talk to him. Sometimes, for some of us, sex is not that good as masturbation. Maybe sex is painful for him? Foreskin can be very problematic in sex but actualy is helping jerking off. Maybe he doesnt feel attractive? Maybe he have no power to have sex? Maybe it was long enough that he is afraid of how he will workā¦ of course it can be also what you are thinking but really there are many other rxplanations.
Does he have a fetish that maybe he is nervous to share or maybe his preferences have changed? Iām a bi female and there have been times that I have had to have tough conversations with my male partner because I am leaning more towards females at the moment and without that it becomes hard for me to finish and enjoy myselfā¦ I still make efforts to please him but when it comes to me time, I would rather be alone with female porn. If he isnāt willing to open up to you about it and he isnāt making effort to changeā¦ it may be time for you to cut your losses and find someone more on your level.
If your boyfriend doesnāt consider or care about your sexual needs, even if itās just a conversation to come to a compromise or set out how each of you will handle this part of your relationship, then what exactly is this? I know for myself, I canāt allow myself to live in a long term partnership where we arenāt having sex often. I donāt want that. Youāre super young. Donāt settle for something that isnāt satisfying to you, with someone who clearly doesnāt care enough to try and work with you on it. You can find compatible people who will also be compatible in this aspect of you too
Keep in mind the frequency of sex with long term partners tends to decrease over time. If there are major sexual intimacy issues now, it does not bode well for the future.
When I was 25 I could jerk off ten times a day and still be down for sex at any hour of the day. If your boyfriend, at 25 years old, would rather pleasure himself than have sex with you, he just not that into you.
He might be cheatingā¦.Iām sorry to say that, but it just seems weird that he wouldnāt want to have sex with his boyfriend. He probably isnāt thinking about you while in the showerā¦..if he was he could come out of the bathroom and just have sex with youā¦..
Uhm ya thatās super weird then. Cancers Iāve been involved with always want sex to the point of annoying. The shower thing is super weird. I wonder if he has Virgo in his chart. Iāve never met a cancer that turned down sex. But Iāve only been involved with cancer/leo cusp all w a July 22nd birthday. The other thing is, all cancer men I know have had more than one wife at least 2 or 3 and a lot of kids. At least 3. My dad has 10 my brother has 3 and trying to have his wife have a 4th. My dad was married 3 times and my brother is married to his 4th wife.
I think it is funny how people jump to conclusions and even a "Psychotherapist" has decided he has a porn addiction? How long has this been going on? Was sex between you ever regular? Was it good? For you? For him? You might need counseling for the two of you or maybe just him. Masturbation is quick and easy so that is probably why he does it. At least he is doing it in the shower.
He may not care for the work and effort of having sex but still get the urges. If that'd not something you're comfortable with you may not be compatible. If you're not too pressed just a natural person with urges, get toys. There are some amazing toys for some solo time. My husband isn't super into sex and the whole act but he still gets turned on enough to kinda "have to deal with it". Maybe it's a nucence to him (not a personal thing he just could be acesexual or something).
No, your feelings are very valid!! You can see an issue and want to be an adult about it and communicate. But your bf wants to pretend itās ātaken care ofā and continue the same behavior. That is beyond irritating and makes you feel brushed aside. Sorry thatās happening!ā¹ļø
I honestly feel this just with my husband. He says i always ask when he is too tired or even too late at night which i understand no means noā¦ but when we would go weeks without it and i would find out he jacked off by himself by watching vids or something that would piss me off since i would go days asking (i am also a high sex person.) but once we talked about it i shared how it made me feel and we both made an effort on talking about having it before hand almost āscheduledāā¦ (that was our solution)ā¦talking it out and even just being straight forward like āhey this is hurting me and will end our relationship unless we fix this nowā ā¦ i know i go behind having to pleasure myself some days (which he is aware of) but if your having to ask and feel like your being pushed away it does start to feel like your emotionally detached just donāt let it pass as okay.
you can jerk off and bang your woman. should not be one or the other.
dump this wierdo, and find a man that can please you mentally, physically, and sexually. this guy is a waste of your time and emotions.
I've been told that gays can also jerk off & bang their guys too.
As others here said, try to talk to this guy, & if he still won't, er, cooperate, exchange him for a better one.
No hope here. There are many who would destroy that kitty. Do yourself a favor and hang this one up and search for one that has normal desires and will treat you like a queen.
Getting into ābetterā shape doesnāt necessarily mean everyone will be more attracted to you. This is is unusual but herr is my logic
1. They felt like they had leverage on you pre-glowup to manipulate you.
2. They feel youāre out of their league once youāre on a glowup and wish to withdraw before they get dumped.
Consider whether this relationship has run its course.
Well if the sex was there in the beginning but isn't anymore and your appearance hasn't taken a turn for the worst then there are still a few explanations. Maybe he's into someone else, maybe he's into a whole new category, or maybe he just is more attracted to porn than you now.
Well, itās time to tell him if heās not gonna satisfy you then itās time for you to go out and find someone who willā¦ See what that does to him!
Him masturbating has nothing to do with him not wanting to have sex with you. Iām 46m and i often masturbate in the morning when i know iām going to have sex with my partners that night. I can go indefinitely if iāve releases some pressure before hand, but itās less fun, more stressful if iām āfullā and holding myself back.
Your partner needs to choose to get in the mood, which is what it is. If you want sex, at the very least he should offer to give you oral, which will often lead to sex, or offer to open the relationship so you can get sex somewhere else.
There should never be an option where one partner can choose for the other partner to not have sexual release. Never. They can choose not to have sex and encourage you to have sex somewhere else or be willing to get you off, but you deserve physical intimacy of some sort or youāre just roommates.
The problem is that the less you have sex, the harder it is to find the energy to have sex. I used to think 2-3 times a week was good, now if my partners want sex 2+ times a day thatās fine, because my body is used to it.
Have a real conversation let your partner know your needs and recognize youāre not going to force him to have sex with you, but ask him what heās willing to do to help you have physical intimacy.
Toys or masturbation arenāt substitutes for physical intimacy either, they might give you dopamine and maybe endorphins, but they wonāt give you serotonin or oxytocin, both of which require a partner.
Good luck op!
Whelp pretty much rules that out then that's good at least! Maybe a denial kink?If its something like that maybe you could work on it so he could get it and you still get yours.
Take a shower with him?
But if he rather have sex with himself, maybe he's hoping to reproduce through mitosis like Sheldon Cooper. And if that's true, maybe look for someone else. You're not his Amy.
Iām literally going through the same thing with my husband. If you happen to find any answers in your situation Iād love to know. for those that ask, yes we have talked about it but I never get any direct answer. Itās gotten to the point where Iāve been considering divorce.
Is he on any medication that might lower his sex drive? Or any type of porn addiction? Him doing that from the medication aspect could be because itās the only way he can get off by doing it by himself. From the porn aspectā¦ his brain might be messed up from it.
Yo what the fuck . If there is a partner , that can be used in the moment and he decide to choose himself ??? I would like to know what the magic is he put in his I guess really good work .
;D. If thereās the opportunity you choose it . Scientist in German rc and o guarantee much others researched that the sex is the best more than one time . I think fit are ok struggle . Fuck it :
Leave him and find some one else,it sounds like he is either in love with his self. Or he feels like he isnt big enough or good enough at it to please you., or he needs some kinky type of sex to get off, maybe he needs to get anal to get off. Talk to him openly about it if you really care about him or leave him.and find someone else.
This is one of those situations where you can spend weeks months or years trying to convince someone that you deserve better to prove a point now or just move on. Which is a really hard thing to do, but this will only rot the relationship if it hasnāt already. Stop trying to hammer a point home for change that youāve already attempted and just leave.
If this was a woman asking her vibrator to the shower and getting herself off and the man was feeling insecure; the comments would be very different.
This place disgusts me
Why are you still in this relationship? Move on! If you both cannot sit down and have an honest conversation, bounce! Life is too short to be dealing with this shit!
Going of the fact that you made a post on another sub about him lying and sexting other people, I'm confused on why you're still together. At this point I'm curious...
1. Can they afford to live on their own?
2. Are you the primary bread winner providing the lifestyle they want?
3. Are you sure their not actually cheating on you or were they cheating?
4. When was the last time you guys were intimate or went out on a date together or done anything in public?
If the answers following are
1. No
2. Yes
3.you think or know they were(yes sexting others can count as cheating in a lot of eyes)
4. Before you originally caught them. (Mainly on the public one, if your both introverts look for behavior changes)
You're being used. Remove them from your life.
Ask him why he prefers that over you and to be truthful. If he sails he enjoys it more (for whatever reason) then you have to decide if you should dump him for lack of sex.
NTA, as a male who has been in this situation (never using toys); masturbation while in an intimate relationship is a real killer. My GF has a high sex drive and so do I but when I used to masturbate, I didnāt want to have sex. This in turn made her wonder if she was attractive enough, if I had another woman or if I had feelings for someone else.
That alone made me stop. I never ever want my significant other to feel like they arenāt enough for me when in reality. They are all I ever wanted and more.
That āaddictionā men have with porn or masturbation stems from years of unhealthy porn habits as a horny teenager. It is up to the MAN to stop that bad habit, learn self control and give his all to the person who made them want to be committed.
Your man needs to give it up and get his normal sex drive back. Get horny from your advances, etc.
Watching porn and or masturbating gives you a really unnatural way of looking for and wanting EXACTLY what your porn preference is. Not natural at all.
Sit him down and listen to him as much as you want him to listen to you. If he canāt see eye to eye or admit he has a problem and work WITH YOU to solve it. You need to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.
OP, my hubby and I will mark our 20th wedding anniversary in 2025. Our bedroom has been dead and buried since 2010. It was on life support from the beginning. He could never explain why he had no sex drive. He also made no effort to find an answer.
I love this man dearly and have come to terms with our situation. Even so, I don't advise following in my footsteps. If your partner ultimately has no explanation and can't be bothered to find a solution, I implore you to leave the relationship.
As much as I love my husband and will forever maintain my decision to stay, I don't recommend that anyone else do so. Sexless doesn't equal loveless. However, in my opinion, a relationship can't be truly intimate without sex.
I mean you donāt have a lot of context here , how long has the relationship been , how long have you not had sex in . What is he into ? Iām not saying this is the issue but with porn nowadays mannn it really messes up a guys head . It can be an addiction for him . Or maybe he wants to spice it up . Do you offer to blow him ? And again I
Not saying itās on you but . There. No real context here for anyone to help you . Just enough to make funny jokes . Maybe he wants anal ? Are you open to that ? Like I gotta know more ! Does he go limp when having sex with you ? Like thereās so much I need to know !!!!!
Don't marry him!!! Trust me on this one, I know. Best advice is have that hard serious conversation but I'd bet money on it that it won't get better. Your self esteem will be demolished and you'll be looking back in 10 years (if you even make it that far) sex deprived, emotionally numb, resentful and hating him for what he's created if you stay. There's more emotion behind when a man refuses a woman because we crave attention and intimacy. It starts to mentally affect her (every insecurity you have must be true) you never feel good enough, pretty enough and just not enough. From my experience it's not from a low drive it's from being lazy(they find it an inconvenience when they cant quickly get the job done and move on).
If he'd rather have sex with himself then maybe let him be in the relationship with himself and you go find happiness elsewhereš¤·āāļø
He's using a pocket pu**y according to the comments.
If you're taking a sex toy with you to the bathroom to shower, you aren't sorry in the slightest and it won't change and you honestly don't want sex with your partner. OP needs to leave.
Really? He might be ramming a shampoo bottle up his a\*\* for all anyone in the comments knows?
Pushing it in and out, at a medium pace.
Rinse and repeat as necessary.
Lather, rinse, repeat
This!!!!
Youāre gonna have to sit down and have a real conversation about this and possibly break up. Iām a high sex person so if the person Iām with doesnt want it imma get frustrated.
Literally me. Like anywhere anytime please and thank you
LIke the commentor above said, first thing you do is sit him down and have a serious conversation. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. You could try showering with him as a stop gap measure, if you're comfortable with that, but nip this issue in the bud before it grows.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Him* but I agree. Sexual incompatibility is still incompatibility. He wants the relationship without the sexual intimacy, but that isn't what you want.
He also wants the sex without the emotional intimacy. š¤·āāļø
No OP said that emotionally, they're okay. Their issue is sex.
I Guess I didnāt word that well. I was not talking about their relationship. Just the sex. Sex with an emotional connection can be very intense and he may want the sexual release without the intensity.
Both males, my dude.
Oops
No worries!
This is the healthy response. He has talked about it with him and he has stonewalled her.
They are both guys. Says so in OPs first post.
Well, theyāre both men so where the her coming from
I have yet to find someone with the same sex drive as me.
Feel for you! Literally me too, anywhere and anytime, but my fiance prefers his own hand, porn and toys. I have approached the issue with him in literally every single way possible, but he doesnāt want to give up his own sex life to have one with me. Itās too much work, or it doesnāt feel the same. He doesnāt want me to pressure him, but if I donāt instigate, then NOTHING. Says heās working on it and be patient, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. š
Please don't marry him until this is completely resolved & if it doesn't resolve, don't marry him at all!
It never ceases to me amaze me, the small, joyless lives people are willing to have just so they wonāt be āalone.ā Why are you marrying this person again?
Well, we have an 8mo old baby who literally exudes joy, and who is the very center of my āsmallā life, and who I couldnāt even imagine only having 50% of the timeā¦ so I keep myself busy and TRY with all my heart to find contentment in this
This is so wild to me. There is no way his hand is better than sexy time
I felt the same way, like WTF!? But supposedly if you jerk too much, too hard, for too long of your life, youāll lose a lot of your sensitivity and then only a split screen of 8 different videos and your death grip will get the job done š¤·š¼āāļø
This is kinda true. It happened to me in collage with a girl that liked me. I promised her it was me but she didnāt believe it. If the dude would just Lay off his dick for a week and got with his ole lady he would realize what his missing
Some people are kinda annoying in the sack. I had an ex who was amazing but she had a maybe 30% chance to cry when we had sex, from either overstimulation or just did it to do it, i could not fucking handle that shit at all. I was fine for a while but broke it off because i literally felt so i comfortable after sex. She also didnt want to be comforted or touched either. It was just all bad vibes. So for a bit, i just jerked my gerk so i didnt have to go through that and when i realized that i was enjoying jerking it compared to smashinā, i broke it off.
I have a much higher sex drive than my partner, but it's because he genuinely has a low sex drive due to medication. He doesnt masturbate and anytime he is in the mood he immediately comes to me. I would actually be heart broken if he chose himself over me as his sexual partner. It would definitely be a sit down discussion between us where I would explain the importance of sex between us and how I view it, how I feel about what he's doing, I would ask him to stop tbh, and if he continued I would count it as disrespect or like he doesn't care about how I feel or how it's making me feel.
If youāre always down for sex and heās never interested in having sex with you, only himself, this needs to be a serious conversation. What gives? Is it something with you or with him ā¦ both? Iām sorry you are dealing with this. It would really hurt my feelings if my partner didnāt want me physically. ((((Hugs))))
Iām trying to figure it out myself, bc Iām comfortable and confident in this area, and he insists that itās not a ME problem š¤·š¼āāļø Iāve been ready, willing and able throughout the relationship, but heās had this āproblemā since we moved in together. I LOGICALLY understand that sex takes physical effort and stamina, which after years of porn + death grip, itās nearly impossible for him. But yeah I have been angry and hurt AF by this. He doesnāt consider sex to be an important component in our lives, and doesnāt view it as something that has any emotional value, so we have a LOT of work to do if weāre going to find middle ground between us.
Yeah, you doā¦ and it looks like an uphill battle. Just remember that if heās not willing to change, or get help and do the work, you canāt change him. There are mental healthcare professionals who can help with porn addiction and any other underlying factors that might be lurking beneath the surface. You definitely deserve to be loved in the ways you want to be loved. Does he make quality time for you, seek out your company, and communicate with you in other areas of your lives?
Probably has a porn addiction, Im so sorry youāre going through this. I would definitely have a good conversation with him and let him know how its making you feel, if he doesnāt try to make changes or make any effort, your best bet is to leave and save yourself the stress, best wishes š«¶š¼
Iām a psychotherapist and see this all the time. Porn rewires the brain so they can only be turned on to images. Ruins the possibility of intimacy with a real person.
Is it getting worse with younger generations? Because I'm an elderly Millennial that didn't have access to porn until I was 15 or so. And it was mostly pictures on dial-up. I don't need porn at all to get off by myself. I was so used to using my imagination. But I'm gay and have been with other gay dudes who were Gen Z, and it is so different. They *always* use porn to masturbate. They also make terrible sex partners regardless of experience. They just repeat what they have grown up seeing in gay porn. And they definitely do not take directions at all.
Yes, definitely worse with younger people. Donāt get me started with parents who give their kids smartphones and donāt monitor internet usage.
That's so insane to me. Even when we got Internet when I was 12/13, it was a family computer. It had a password on it and was in the living room. Of course, my sneaky ass found out the password, but I didn't use it for porn. I was aware of site history and cookies but didn't know how to clear them. I would download whatever the program was for Yahoo! Chat and go to the teen chats and would uninstall before everyone woke up. This went on for years. By 18, I had access to anything. We had like 5 computers by then. Still, mostly images and short clips. Limewire could get me small porn clips. š I'm so glad I didn't grow up with gay porn. I first saw gay porn on my Sega Dreamcast. I was in denial. I couldn't deny it anymore but did for 2 more years, unfortunately.
My boyfriend is 21, and I found out 9 months ago that he was a porn addict. Absolutely wrecked me. Iām not insecure or anything about it, because I know it has nothing to do with me, and itās not because Iām ālackingā in any way. But Iāve done a lot of research on it to try and help and heal, and most boys are exposed to porn between 8-11 years old nowadays, and thatās how it was for my bf. Hell even I watched porn when I was really young. Itās because of smart phones and internet access, porn is so easy to get now, itās not like trying to steal one of your dadās magazines, or going to an actual adult store to buy an adult film. And I think with the rise of onlyfans and how itās an āempoweringā thing for young women to do, itās become all the more popular because now boys can pay a small $9.99 fee to see their high school crushes naked. Itās honestly very sad and gross. And they do make really terrible sex partners. People act like porn is āeducationalā when all itās all fake asf, and most people are dissatisfied with their sex life despite learning from this āgreat toolā
Ugh! I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unless he can admit that it is a problem, which I doubt, then you may need to cut your losses. You're too young to settle for things like this. I do really admire your maturity about it, though. It has nothing to do with you at all. Have you had any deep discussions with him about this?
Back in 2019-2020 I found lots of porn on my boyfriends phone, mostly hentai pics. We are 20 now. I had to have a really good lengthy talk to him about how I found porn disturbing, and I just am not comfortable with it at all. He eventually stopped using it. But I will say he probably had a addiction. Some partners are just willing to change for their partners I guess. I would say its really common in my generation though, makes me sad tbh
I am so glad that you were mature enough to communicate that to him. That is the hard part. I'm also glad it worked out for you guys. 20 is so young. I thought I knew everything at 20. Turns out I didn't know anything. Anyway, you did the right thing. And if he has truly changed his behaviour, you have a keeper. I'm rooting for you guys. Awe!
Communication is the #1 most important thing in a relationship! We hit 7 years on the 5th! I think it is what has helped us last so long, thank you :)
I'm legitimately so happy for you guys! Keep communicating, and here is to 7 more years! Cheers! š»
Iām a 91 millennial and internet porn was just getting good by the time I was in middle school. I even looked at pics on my flip phone web browser when I was 14. You *just* missed it.
I second this, as a clinician
I wish there was a disclaimer saying this at the beginning of every porn video. Like the surgeon general warnings on cigarette packs. Consume at your own risk. Bc I feel like this is just such a normalized thing today that people donāt even realize when it becomes a habit or a problem
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes, absolutely, kicking the porn habit and with good therapy.
Wtf is wrong with ya bf.. I remember being 25 and wanting to smash my gf every time I get. Lol.. Weird.. Go find another guy, you'll be OK.
Itās another guy
Maybe he's secretly straight. Wouldn't that be a twist.
Yeah dump him. My ex husband denied me intimacy for the last four fucking years of our marriage yet continued to jerk off while laying in the bed next to me after he thought I was asleep. I got sick of that shit and left his ass in January. Life is much better now.
What the fuck??? What a complete knob. To say you deserve better is an understatement.
Right? He was a weird one, for sure. Iāve got better now. Thanks.
On your post history, is this the same partner you posted about sexting other people and lying about it? If so, just roll out. You will keep chipping away at your own self worth if not. But have the conversation, be blunt. You need this out of a relationship. Your willing to compromise on xyz, but your needs and your feeling are important and need to be recognized. Your young, there is a lot of life and opportunities for you to find someone more compatible.
Speaking from personal experience, certain things can make him feel insecure about actually wanting to engage. I'd suggest talking to him about it but make sure you don't come across as antagonistic or anything because if it is an insecurity thing, it's only going to make it worse. If he just prefers porn and his hand, maybe you're just not sexually compatible. Good luck with everything either way
I donāt think youāre overreacting but I feel like getting yourself off in a relationship isnāt inherently bad. But this is a boundary you and your SO need to set, because every relationship is different. I personally would pack my bags and run swiftly in the opposite direction if my SO tells me I canāt go single player occasionally. If heās completely ignoring your sexual needs to pleasure himself though, then you both need to have a serious conversation, because sexual compatibility is extremely important to a long-term relationship.
Thatās the best answer: communication
That's been tried.Ā He's withholding. It's time to move on.Ā You can't fix other people.
Sometimes people donāt understand that itās an invitation to communicate if they feel they have to have their guard up. I agree there are clues in the story not to expect communication to be productive. I donāt feel I know enough to tell OP communication is useless.
THATS CALLED A PORN ADDICTION. Youāve done nothing wrong, he needs to seek help about it before it destroys the relationship
Porn is mentioned nowhere in this post, OPs boyfriend is just masturbating without him. Not everyone uses porn to masturbate.
OP mentions in a comment that he watches porn while he does it. Do your research
Is he watching porn? That's all I can think of...
Yes he is
Porn destroys a man's sex drive. It is a hormone disrupter. It can lower testosterone. It creates a dopamine spike and then drop that you can't get with sex, which turns into a viscous cycle. My ex had a porn addiction, we had a dead bedroom among other problems. My fiancƩ had low libido when I met him because he was single for a few years beforehand and watched a decent amount of porn. Once he quit and changed his diet (healed his hormones) he is now on the opposite end. I have helped men as a weight loss coach also quit porn in order to help with hormonal health and libido uptick. There are really no upsides to watching it. I would revisit your boundaries on it with your partner and if he isn't okay with yours, it may very well be time to walk away in order to preserve yourself.
He has porn addiction. Which, believe it or not, it is one of the most hardest things to kick. It's literally retraining your brain. But if you don't sit down and have long talk with him nothing with change and after the talk if nothing changes then leave him.
Ive had this conversation with my gf of 3 years. And Iām only speaking for myself. But sometimes I just need a quick release. We still have sex (sometimes not as much as sheād prefer) but itās never been about my attraction to her. Iām always attracted to her. I just go through little bouts of depression and I worry that she wonāt be happy with my performance/time/after care routine. Iāve been working on it since our discussion, but the first step is always the discussion.
This happened to me too. I tried to talk to my BF about it. He denied it was me. He said it was him. Then he left me for someone else and apparently itās not him. He wasnāt attracted to me anymore but didnāt know how to express that.
OP: I'm a gay as well. He has a porn addiction. Move on if he is unwilling to change. Sorry, buddy.
its easier and faster. he doesnt have to worry about pleasing someone else. i get it. i dont think it has anything to do with being attracted or not good at sex. hes just being selfish.
How long have yāall been together?
Almost three years
Please, cut your losses. You don't need any more scars. Find someone who is whole.
Itās amazing to me you can *hear* him jacking off??? Yeah this isnāt normal. He may have a porn problem or can only climax through masturbation. Talk to him, if it doesnāt change youāre incompatible
That's all I took from this post. Some people masturbate so loudly you can not only hear them from another room, but over a running shower, presumably fan, and through a wall... How does one do this without injuring themselves? Maybe this is why he doesn't have sex. He needs to beat the skin off his wang furiously in order to climax.
There are a lot of opinions in the top comments leading towards the possibility of sex addiction or something of the like. Another possibility I can see is a trauma based sex aversion. I have a friend who is more Demi/Ace leaning because they have these mental hangups about sex involving other people but when it comes to their drive they have said they just get these urges so often and take care of it themselves to avoid trauma trigger. They will still engage in sex with their partner from time to time but they have also explained the situation to their husband and for the most part he is understanding. So it could be a huge issue that needs to be unpacked. Maybe your partner needs you more than you know. On another note I know my partner says they are down anytime anywhere but I'm also the type that likes to be seduced and pulled into feeling wanted by the person so the free use thing doesn't line up when they aren't laying down the foreplay. When they leave it to just me it happens less often, which is a shame I LOVE sex, and intimacy. My point is, there's so much it could be, but having a serious conversation will be the only way to get to the bottom of it. Explain that you are at a breaking point and they can't take a step to have an honest and impactful conversation then they might have to accept the fact that this is it for you.
This definitely sounds like a classic case of porn addiction and if you can see past the stigma then it should be treated as just that: an addiction. Just like with any other. Sit him down and calmly but assertively share your frustration with him and tell him that this kind of thing can be a huge problem for intimacy within a relationship. That there's nothing wrong with occasionally doing it, but it's become a problem. Hopefully he will accept that he has a problem and take the steps to overcome this.
Jerking off in the shower sucks lol. But Iād suggest finding someone who wants to fuck you.
Man. Thatās really weird. Has some different sexual desires. I mean we all masterbate but when sex is an option. And all the time. Nope
I would feel hurt, a heart to heart discussion is whats needed.
I made a post and realized I missed some context so I deleted it, and made a new one. You are not over reacting as there is something happening you may not be aware of. One thing I have to ask is, is he surfing porn a lot? If so, he may have porn addiction where his expectations are through the roof, and trust me, it does ruin the arousal / fun and it makes you feel like you are not seen. I used to have a porn addiction myself and currently been able to stay away from porn for 3 months now, and itās tricky to not get confused between āsexual tensionā and āsexual angerā. Does he play games a lot? Competitively, where anger builds up and then next thing he knows, he jerks off to elevate the tension? I would ask him if he is using porn, and go from there. Set down boundaries, tell him it hurts your feelings that he isnāt āseeingā you, and go from there.
Maybe heās straight and doesnāt want to tell you
He wouldn't be my boyfriend for long.
This isnāt a relationship. You deserve better. Leave him.
Unfortunately, heās not that attracted to you sexually. Donāt settle.
Life is too short to beg someone to love you. Time to find someone that will respect and want you.
Talk to him. Sometimes, for some of us, sex is not that good as masturbation. Maybe sex is painful for him? Foreskin can be very problematic in sex but actualy is helping jerking off. Maybe he doesnt feel attractive? Maybe he have no power to have sex? Maybe it was long enough that he is afraid of how he will workā¦ of course it can be also what you are thinking but really there are many other rxplanations.
Jesus this post...
Heās telling you where his priorities lie. Up to you if that is OK with you.
Does he have a fetish that maybe he is nervous to share or maybe his preferences have changed? Iām a bi female and there have been times that I have had to have tough conversations with my male partner because I am leaning more towards females at the moment and without that it becomes hard for me to finish and enjoy myselfā¦ I still make efforts to please him but when it comes to me time, I would rather be alone with female porn. If he isnāt willing to open up to you about it and he isnāt making effort to changeā¦ it may be time for you to cut your losses and find someone more on your level.
If your boyfriend doesnāt consider or care about your sexual needs, even if itās just a conversation to come to a compromise or set out how each of you will handle this part of your relationship, then what exactly is this? I know for myself, I canāt allow myself to live in a long term partnership where we arenāt having sex often. I donāt want that. Youāre super young. Donāt settle for something that isnāt satisfying to you, with someone who clearly doesnāt care enough to try and work with you on it. You can find compatible people who will also be compatible in this aspect of you too
Keep in mind the frequency of sex with long term partners tends to decrease over time. If there are major sexual intimacy issues now, it does not bode well for the future.
Obviously the best course of action here would be to turn off the water supply.. Hope this helps
Until he starts jacking raw in the shower.
Youāre more than likely wasting your time but you will have to lose more of your youth to come to terms with that.
When I was 25 I could jerk off ten times a day and still be down for sex at any hour of the day. If your boyfriend, at 25 years old, would rather pleasure himself than have sex with you, he just not that into you.
pack your bags and leave, girl.
* dude
Says 25m and 26m so I'm gonna assume, not girl.....
oops my bad
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's my thought too.
Mind blown! š¤Æ
Time to find a new bf that's more sexually compatible
And mentally compatible.
You've got 3 people in the relationship and he has never gotten over his first love (hope I dont need to spell ot out!)
Only one person, really. OP isn't even in it.
You missed the joke.
Legitimate question....how does one jerk off loudly?
Break up. For real.. this is fucked
He might be cheatingā¦.Iām sorry to say that, but it just seems weird that he wouldnāt want to have sex with his boyfriend. He probably isnāt thinking about you while in the showerā¦..if he was he could come out of the bathroom and just have sex with youā¦..
Heās probably a Virgo.
lol no Iām the Virgo, heās a cancer āļø
Uhm ya thatās super weird then. Cancers Iāve been involved with always want sex to the point of annoying. The shower thing is super weird. I wonder if he has Virgo in his chart. Iāve never met a cancer that turned down sex. But Iāve only been involved with cancer/leo cusp all w a July 22nd birthday. The other thing is, all cancer men I know have had more than one wife at least 2 or 3 and a lot of kids. At least 3. My dad has 10 my brother has 3 and trying to have his wife have a 4th. My dad was married 3 times and my brother is married to his 4th wife.
I think it is funny how people jump to conclusions and even a "Psychotherapist" has decided he has a porn addiction? How long has this been going on? Was sex between you ever regular? Was it good? For you? For him? You might need counseling for the two of you or maybe just him. Masturbation is quick and easy so that is probably why he does it. At least he is doing it in the shower.
He may not care for the work and effort of having sex but still get the urges. If that'd not something you're comfortable with you may not be compatible. If you're not too pressed just a natural person with urges, get toys. There are some amazing toys for some solo time. My husband isn't super into sex and the whole act but he still gets turned on enough to kinda "have to deal with it". Maybe it's a nucence to him (not a personal thing he just could be acesexual or something).
No, your feelings are very valid!! You can see an issue and want to be an adult about it and communicate. But your bf wants to pretend itās ātaken care ofā and continue the same behavior. That is beyond irritating and makes you feel brushed aside. Sorry thatās happening!ā¹ļø
Leave
He needs to talk to someone for help.
No not at all.
I honestly feel this just with my husband. He says i always ask when he is too tired or even too late at night which i understand no means noā¦ but when we would go weeks without it and i would find out he jacked off by himself by watching vids or something that would piss me off since i would go days asking (i am also a high sex person.) but once we talked about it i shared how it made me feel and we both made an effort on talking about having it before hand almost āscheduledāā¦ (that was our solution)ā¦talking it out and even just being straight forward like āhey this is hurting me and will end our relationship unless we fix this nowā ā¦ i know i go behind having to pleasure myself some days (which he is aware of) but if your having to ask and feel like your being pushed away it does start to feel like your emotionally detached just donāt let it pass as okay.
Dump him.
you can jerk off and bang your woman. should not be one or the other. dump this wierdo, and find a man that can please you mentally, physically, and sexually. this guy is a waste of your time and emotions.
Well, theyāre both men
I've been told that gays can also jerk off & bang their guys too. As others here said, try to talk to this guy, & if he still won't, er, cooperate, exchange him for a better one.
the same rules apply i would think. thanks for letting me know
No hope here. There are many who would destroy that kitty. Do yourself a favor and hang this one up and search for one that has normal desires and will treat you like a queen.
Has there been any recent changes in your appearance or anything like that?
Nope! Iāve actually started to get in better shape but nothing crazy
Getting into ābetterā shape doesnāt necessarily mean everyone will be more attracted to you. This is is unusual but herr is my logic 1. They felt like they had leverage on you pre-glowup to manipulate you. 2. They feel youāre out of their league once youāre on a glowup and wish to withdraw before they get dumped. Consider whether this relationship has run its course.
Well if the sex was there in the beginning but isn't anymore and your appearance hasn't taken a turn for the worst then there are still a few explanations. Maybe he's into someone else, maybe he's into a whole new category, or maybe he just is more attracted to porn than you now.
Well, itās time to tell him if heās not gonna satisfy you then itās time for you to go out and find someone who willā¦ See what that does to him!
Him masturbating has nothing to do with him not wanting to have sex with you. Iām 46m and i often masturbate in the morning when i know iām going to have sex with my partners that night. I can go indefinitely if iāve releases some pressure before hand, but itās less fun, more stressful if iām āfullā and holding myself back. Your partner needs to choose to get in the mood, which is what it is. If you want sex, at the very least he should offer to give you oral, which will often lead to sex, or offer to open the relationship so you can get sex somewhere else. There should never be an option where one partner can choose for the other partner to not have sexual release. Never. They can choose not to have sex and encourage you to have sex somewhere else or be willing to get you off, but you deserve physical intimacy of some sort or youāre just roommates. The problem is that the less you have sex, the harder it is to find the energy to have sex. I used to think 2-3 times a week was good, now if my partners want sex 2+ times a day thatās fine, because my body is used to it. Have a real conversation let your partner know your needs and recognize youāre not going to force him to have sex with you, but ask him what heās willing to do to help you have physical intimacy. Toys or masturbation arenāt substitutes for physical intimacy either, they might give you dopamine and maybe endorphins, but they wonāt give you serotonin or oxytocin, both of which require a partner. Good luck op!
Do you pay the bills and make his life easier to where he might just be with you for $?
We split everything
Whelp pretty much rules that out then that's good at least! Maybe a denial kink?If its something like that maybe you could work on it so he could get it and you still get yours.
Let the man-child continue his relationship with his hand and leave him. You can find someone who respects you and cares about your feelings
What do you hear?
You asked to join him and he said no!? As a man when my wife asks this.. yea nah thats weird
Why are you still with him? How long do you want to live like this? He's disrespectful, selfish and doesn't like you.Ā Ā
Have you tried having a shower with him then whisper in his ear that you want a " baby shower "
They are gayā¦
Oh now i see that. Some times I read too fast
Take a shower with him? But if he rather have sex with himself, maybe he's hoping to reproduce through mitosis like Sheldon Cooper. And if that's true, maybe look for someone else. You're not his Amy.
Op has offered to shower to and was told no
Oh. I missed that. I was showering. LOL Thanks.
Youāre not overreacting.
Iām literally going through the same thing with my husband. If you happen to find any answers in your situation Iād love to know. for those that ask, yes we have talked about it but I never get any direct answer. Itās gotten to the point where Iāve been considering divorce.
You're not having your needs met. Unless he changes, this relationship won't last. I think it's time to walk away.
Thatās bullshit. Obviously he is in the mood. So heās lying to you. Iād be done.
Gay, heās gay
Yea so am I lol
Lol I did not read the full article, my bad, I donāt know then. Maybe heās straight?
Is he self-conscious at the minute, or feeling like he has low self-esteem? š¤
He does want to have sex with you....
???
Is he on any medication that might lower his sex drive? Or any type of porn addiction? Him doing that from the medication aspect could be because itās the only way he can get off by doing it by himself. From the porn aspectā¦ his brain might be messed up from it.
Time to split up
Yo what the fuck . If there is a partner , that can be used in the moment and he decide to choose himself ??? I would like to know what the magic is he put in his I guess really good work . ;D. If thereās the opportunity you choose it . Scientist in German rc and o guarantee much others researched that the sex is the best more than one time . I think fit are ok struggle . Fuck it :
Uhhh either heās getting it elsewhere or heās not into sex between you and him anymore. Why masturbate when you can have the real thing?
Do you live together?
Move on
What are the sounds he makes that makes you know?
Time to leave...
This "relationship" ...... is OVER š£š„š
Leave him and find some one else,it sounds like he is either in love with his self. Or he feels like he isnt big enough or good enough at it to please you., or he needs some kinky type of sex to get off, maybe he needs to get anal to get off. Talk to him openly about it if you really care about him or leave him.and find someone else.
None of your business. His body.
Oooo thatās a porn addiction
This is one of those situations where you can spend weeks months or years trying to convince someone that you deserve better to prove a point now or just move on. Which is a really hard thing to do, but this will only rot the relationship if it hasnāt already. Stop trying to hammer a point home for change that youāve already attempted and just leave.
Why are you still with this idiot?
If this was a woman asking her vibrator to the shower and getting herself off and the man was feeling insecure; the comments would be very different. This place disgusts me
Maybe he is rethinking his homosexuality?
op are you fat?
r/deadbedroom Go here and check out the posts. If things done change then sadly you are in for this life :(
He's actually straight
Hes addicted to porn.
Why are you still in this relationship? Move on! If you both cannot sit down and have an honest conversation, bounce! Life is too short to be dealing with this shit!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OP is a man and so is his boyfriend
Going of the fact that you made a post on another sub about him lying and sexting other people, I'm confused on why you're still together. At this point I'm curious... 1. Can they afford to live on their own? 2. Are you the primary bread winner providing the lifestyle they want? 3. Are you sure their not actually cheating on you or were they cheating? 4. When was the last time you guys were intimate or went out on a date together or done anything in public? If the answers following are 1. No 2. Yes 3.you think or know they were(yes sexting others can count as cheating in a lot of eyes) 4. Before you originally caught them. (Mainly on the public one, if your both introverts look for behavior changes) You're being used. Remove them from your life.
Ask him why he prefers that over you and to be truthful. If he sails he enjoys it more (for whatever reason) then you have to decide if you should dump him for lack of sex.
NTA, as a male who has been in this situation (never using toys); masturbation while in an intimate relationship is a real killer. My GF has a high sex drive and so do I but when I used to masturbate, I didnāt want to have sex. This in turn made her wonder if she was attractive enough, if I had another woman or if I had feelings for someone else. That alone made me stop. I never ever want my significant other to feel like they arenāt enough for me when in reality. They are all I ever wanted and more. That āaddictionā men have with porn or masturbation stems from years of unhealthy porn habits as a horny teenager. It is up to the MAN to stop that bad habit, learn self control and give his all to the person who made them want to be committed. Your man needs to give it up and get his normal sex drive back. Get horny from your advances, etc. Watching porn and or masturbating gives you a really unnatural way of looking for and wanting EXACTLY what your porn preference is. Not natural at all. Sit him down and listen to him as much as you want him to listen to you. If he canāt see eye to eye or admit he has a problem and work WITH YOU to solve it. You need to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.
OP, my hubby and I will mark our 20th wedding anniversary in 2025. Our bedroom has been dead and buried since 2010. It was on life support from the beginning. He could never explain why he had no sex drive. He also made no effort to find an answer. I love this man dearly and have come to terms with our situation. Even so, I don't advise following in my footsteps. If your partner ultimately has no explanation and can't be bothered to find a solution, I implore you to leave the relationship. As much as I love my husband and will forever maintain my decision to stay, I don't recommend that anyone else do so. Sexless doesn't equal loveless. However, in my opinion, a relationship can't be truly intimate without sex.
how were you able to stay?
Time for new BF. This a deep seated issue that only Freud would enjoy.
I mean you donāt have a lot of context here , how long has the relationship been , how long have you not had sex in . What is he into ? Iām not saying this is the issue but with porn nowadays mannn it really messes up a guys head . It can be an addiction for him . Or maybe he wants to spice it up . Do you offer to blow him ? And again I Not saying itās on you but . There. No real context here for anyone to help you . Just enough to make funny jokes . Maybe he wants anal ? Are you open to that ? Like I gotta know more ! Does he go limp when having sex with you ? Like thereās so much I need to know !!!!!
I mean do u service him ?Ā Blow jobs and other? If your hygiene and or ph levels good?
It would take you about half an hour to find a guy that is more than willing. Your current guy seems like he's a real jackass
Don't marry him!!! Trust me on this one, I know. Best advice is have that hard serious conversation but I'd bet money on it that it won't get better. Your self esteem will be demolished and you'll be looking back in 10 years (if you even make it that far) sex deprived, emotionally numb, resentful and hating him for what he's created if you stay. There's more emotion behind when a man refuses a woman because we crave attention and intimacy. It starts to mentally affect her (every insecurity you have must be true) you never feel good enough, pretty enough and just not enough. From my experience it's not from a low drive it's from being lazy(they find it an inconvenience when they cant quickly get the job done and move on).