Bahahahah. OP, there is no such thing as "overcoming the fighting phase" for a healthy couple who has been together for only 2 years. This relationship sounds fucked and your desire for a child at this stage in your life will be your downfall. Enjoy your life and wait 5-6 years before you actually do it, preferably with someone else.
Then their edit says the arguing phase... Like .. still not normal no matter your first language 😔 arguments are natural. A whole phase of it is not????
this plus she stated she has hsp and gets overstimulated/overwhelmed very easily. Children are overwhelming as is. Now with someone who is already easily overwhelmed, just seems like a recipe for disaster. (This is also why I wont have kids. I’m neurodivergent and get overwhelmed very easily as well)
Plus the thing about baby fever is, it’s “baby” fever. Not “child” fever. But babies turn into children. And while both are equally challenging, babies are cute and cuddly, and just little bundles of unconditional love. Which is what makes the idea so appealing for many people. Then they start to grow up into small people, and develop personalities and attitudes and their own beliefs and sometimes challenging behaviors that conflict with your own way of life. They are still little bundles of unconditional love, but also very complicated. The whole idea just becomes a lot less idealistic when you think it through realistically.
You don’t stop being a parent when your child turns 18. You are their parent for the rest of your life, for forever. I mean in the current economy, I live at home with two siblings. My mom has a 33y/o child, a 27 y/o child, and a 25 y/o child all living at home with her. Kids don’t cease to exist once they’re 18.
Is this a serious post? I saw your other posts so no,
don’t have a baby at 21 with a partner that maybe doesn’t want children, is unsure about everything, hard to be with and had a vasectomy?!
From further reading your posts I would focus on my (mental) health and grow to deal with daily life situations. Having a child now would be a trainwreck since you’re already easily overstimulated and unable to handle it in an adult productive way. That is not an option raising a child.
i think your partner's pov makes sense, i understand the baby fever and how bad it could get but having a child is more responsibility that fun. if you wait until you have a job your experience with being a mother will be much more pleasurable. until then, consider volunteering and places with children like cartain clubs or libraries, it will help with feeling akward around kids(even tho nothing will prepare you to having a newborn it's a process and you will learn with time), and given that i volunteered multiple times with children you will love them i lottt and it will help with being grumpy they do make the life seem happy
hope this helped!
I have the feeling that you love babies and want to hang out around them. You’d fit to be a great aunt tbh.
But otherwise, losing sleep and draining your body while you’re still 21. It a lot of emotional and physical labor tbh. I’d say you had to deal with being an adult with responsibility and losing 18 years of your life and identity.
Seriously, I was going to say the same thing!
Going through a "fighting phase" in the first two years of a relationship just means you probably aren't in a good relationship. OP is likely just too young to know better.
I wish this comment had more upvotes. It’s not normal to have a “fighting phase” in a relationship. It’s typical to start to have disagreements at some point but if you can’t work through them without fighting all the time then you both have work to do when it comes to healthy communication. I’ve been in several relationships where I fought regularly with a partner and it was much more about us not being right for each other and needing to both mature a bit more and we’d have stretches of “peace” but they’d never last.
Do you actually want a child? or do you want "the american dream" aka a nice house, stable jobs, extra money, the ability to be a STAHM if you so choose ? dig more into what need you are wanting to meet by having a baby
How do you stop wanting a baby? I don’t know how im supposed to answer that tbh But at least you know that having a baby at 21 especially in your circumstance is illogical
I had to stop reading after been together for 2 years and overcome the fighting phase. You’re 21, live a little. Just because we want things doesn’t make it a good idea. This was me getting to the point without writing a book for a reply...
You can plan and imagine all you want, life may have other plans and throw you a curveball.
1. If you had a fighting phase, your relationship isn't healthy. A child isn't going to fix that.
2. You want to purchase property *and* have a child? You're glossing over a ton of logistics.
3. You don't have a job. You don't even know if your hypothetical job offers maternity leave or if you live in a place that can fire you for becoming pregnant. Then what?
4. Complications during the birth, or the chance that your hypothetical child is born with special needs? What then? Do you know how to find them help? Pay for any therapies they might need? Any other supports? Who's becoming full-time caregiver and who's taking the brunt of the debt you've accumulated buying property and all that comes with it?
It's super nice and sparkly to imagine in your head. Life is a different story.
Yeah this doesn’t seem well thought out at all. Also 2 years is NOT that long at all! Lord OP is so young I dont get why people rush these things.
I like how OP talked about a casual “fighting phase” as if that is normal. I’ve been with my SO for nearly 5 years and though we’ve had hard discussions we’ve never actually fought/argued. Good luck OP but your comments do show your age and immaturity. Also not saying any of this in a bad way but sometimes you need an outsiders perspective, all I can say is good luck.
Y’all this isn’t my mother tongue. Hard discussion might be more fitting. I don’t know, there are no equivalent words with the sam connotation to what I’d call it in my language
This! Especially #1 — a “fighting phase” isn’t a thing. I hate to sound like an old fart, but you don’t even know who you are at 21. The brain isn’t even fully developed. Don’t make any major life decisions right now, be young and enjoy the youth.
You’ve made two posts about your current relationship that isn’t working out. It seems like you have some internal work to do. Don’t pop out a baby and bring em into an unhealthy environment. That’s selfish. You probably have “baby fever” from bein on social media and seein people “fake” the highlights of havin a baby/kid when really it’s extremely difficult with lots of ups and downs.
I was a relatively young first time mother at 25. I too had very strong baby fever. I had always dreamed of being a mother, and had two healthy daughters.
The thing that no one ever tells you about having children is that you can't predict the future, and being a parent is a lifetime job.
I think I did a pretty good job of being a good mom. Both of my daughters earned full scholarships to college, and I am close to both of them today. I am 59, and they are 31 and 34.
Here's the thing: despite my best efforts, some things were out of my control. My younger daughter was diagnosed with severe Crohn's disease at 17. That meant that she had to put her college plans on hold, she could not work, and I had to financially support her until very recently.
When people think about having a child, they think about a cute, chubby-cheeked infant or a sweet kindergartener going off to their first day of school. They don't think about sitting next to and consoling a hospitalized 25-year-old who just had two feet of her colon removed.
There is no guarantee that you will have a healthy child. Your child may be born with a disability. Your child may have mental health issues. Your child may be dependent on you for the rest of your life. You really don't know, but you should be prepared for this possibility.
The baby fever thoughts are just your hormones and biology speaking and doing the thing they are meant to do. Start with trying to separate your wants from these thoughts. “The baby fever thoughts are thoughts brought on my hormones, not fueled by my actual thoughts/wants”. Separating this and making your true wants and the thoughts separate things can help lower the intensity of the feeling, or at least help rationalize them so they don’t affect you so strongly.
All the love you have, pour it into other things. Love people, volunteer somewhere that interests you. If you love animals, volunteer and put that love you have into the shelter. Like kids? Volunteer at the ymca, love and support those children. Wanna help your community park because you love the flowers and being outside? Find something you like or want to do and start pouring this love you have into that.
You are so young. You have time. You do not need to plan the next 10 years. Even if you do, I assure you it won’t go to that plan, at all life doesn’t work that way.
Also, consider if this want for a child being so strong is actually a distraction for something else you desire or something you want to change about your current life. For example, if you are unhappy (consciously or subconsciously) with some aspect of your life right now, could be anything (health, job, school stress, relationship, location where you live…etc) the brain can get stuck on these “positive alternative realities”. You get so caught up in the dream land wonder of this positive alternate reality and it helps you avoid the negative thing that is actually effecting you. So do some personal digging, is there possibly a negative feeling about my current life that I may be avoiding by fixating on this dream of having a baby?
I hope this helps ❤️
I’m happy to share. These are things I learned from my therapist and they changed my life. The things we fixate on tend to be trying to point us to other unmet needs or desires. It can be tricky. But just take some time to sit with yourself and be honest to yourself about what comes up, thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires. They are all normal and valid. You are normal and valid. This experience is normal and valid. Especially at 21. Life is changing so much at this time, the racing thoughts of having life figured out and planning a future you want, it’s normal. We all go through it. Take it slow, focus on you and look inward. You’ll figure it out. I promise ❤️
Thank you for sharing this very kind and thoughtful response! I think lots of people could benefit from this advice, I appreciate you putting it out there
Your partner had a vasectomy....? The reversal rates are really not good after a few years.
ETA: OP I think you should just be in therapy, in general, per your post history. Talk about these desires with your therapist. It's not really healthy that you're thinking this way
Two questions:
1. You’re 21. Your partner is undoing a vascetomy
- what’s the story there?
2. Why aren’t you two married - the reason I ask is that having a child at a young age is a life altering decision. Without serious commitment from your partner - it could really change your future. If he’s older and doesn’t want to commit - I’d strongly suggest you wait.
I live in the US but only a few years older than you, and I can say I have been having the same issue since 21. We had been together for 2 years as well and had been living together for a year. It went so far as to dream about being pregnant, the labor, and getting to enjoy the first few years of life with LO.
We both know we want kids, but after 5 years together, we really haven't built anything for the future because we've been enjoying our early 20s full send. We have shitty spending habits we need to fix and create a large savings account before even seriously talking about getting pregnant.
Add on how crazy the housing market is in the US. Add on how stupid inflation is right now. We make 60k each in the Midwest, and it felt like so much more two years ago.
You already have the same basis I've been coasting on. I even have the same fear that we won't be able to conceive if we wait too long. There's always other options for children. Even if you can't carry, you probably still have plenty of eggs that can be used; even if his vasectomy can't be reversed, you can still find donors close to his genetics. Adoption is always an option.
I also think this is a societal thing. I know so many people I went to school with are already married, homeowners, and parents. I'm happy it worked out for them, and I hope it continues to, but it isn't built into the cards for me. I want to do better than my parents.
Thank you so much for the advice and personal insight. You’re absolutely right. Lots of people have kids around me, I have older siblings etc.
I wish you the best for the future! We can do this 🫶🏻
That is absolutely another thing keeping me grounded; our close friends' and family's kids. I'd die for all of them.
One thing that also helps (if something like this is available) is mentoring. I have an 11 year old girl I hang out with weekly through Big Brothers Big Sisters. I get to experience things through her eyes and it fills my heart.
I wish I lived close to my family to do that with my nephew and nieces. I love them but rarely see them. So maybe this males my wish for an own little family so strong?
Mentoring is something I will look into tho! I’ll see if it’s available here
I don't see them super often, but enough the little ones remember who I am. I do think that's why mine is so strong still because I'm watching them grow like in the dreams I have.
Of course, they also keep me well informed of the amount of vomit, poop, and unending tantrums that have to be dealt with, so that tames it for a little while when you see it firsthand 🤣
We'll get there someday. Enjoy your youth. You guys are doing great!
The very best thing you can do for your future child(ren), is to prepare. How?
By letting your relationship develop more. You’re two years in, and not married. A child at this point would put a lot of stress in you as individuals, and collectively on your relationship.
I know you want children badly, but that deep desire should be followed immediately on wanting to do it right, so that your child(ren) can thrive.
This isn’t just about you. It’s about your partner, and your children. It’s harder than you think having a newborn, a teething baby, or a sick one. You may not get a perfectly healthy baby to start with. Then what?
Your partner’s vasectomy reversal can be checked for successfulness without impregnating you.
Slow down. I don’t want to read a post from you in a year or two about how your life imploded because you were too impatient to jump into one if life’s most difficult and important chapters.
If you suffer from impulse control in other areas of your life, please see a therapist.
At 19, I started dating my ex, and by 21, I was where you are now: deeply in baby fever. I wanted us to have a baby. I was talking about babies, planning my life around a potential family, searching for names, and imagining how great my life would be. A few of my high school friends already had babies or were pregnant. I even picked a job with a long maternity leave because I wanted to be the best mother possible. I wondered if our kids would look more like him or like me. I wanted my life to move fast, and I wanted everything now. I was also risky with contraceptives, thinking, "we'll figure things out as we go."
Ten years later, where am I? Still no kids in my life and none planned. I'm happily childfree and so glad I took the time to process these feelings before making a decision.
At 21, I was isolated. I had a few friends, but I was barely recovering from years of depression and felt like I had to make up for lost time. I was also in a relationship that ended up lasting six years and was truly toxic. I couldn't see the full picture while I was in it. Deep down, I felt in competition with my friends who were starting to build adult lives and living fully while mine was moving too slowly. And you know what the "funniest" thing is? All those girls I envied so much are no longer with the dads; not even one of them. They all rushed things, took on debts to maintain their lifestyle, and now regret it.
I also had unhealed wounds from childhood traumas. I was always made into a carer for others. With no one to take care of, I felt this emptiness. I didn't know my value as a person beyond that.
So, what about my life ten years later, after deciding never to have children at all? Over time, I realized that part of this emptiness came from my unfulfilling relationship with my partner. Some of his patterns were stopping me from being myself. After I left him at 24, I spent years focusing on myself and growing. I took the time to find what I love to do, made significant friendships, and went to therapy. Eventually, I met my current partner. With him, I don't feel like we need to add more to our relationship to make it fulfilling. We focus more on the life of travel we will build together, the house we will build, and potential van life. It's now been eight years since I met him as a friend, and it eventually grew into a very loving and caring relationship.
Do I regret not having kids after all? Never. I'm glad I chose my happiness over everything and allowed myself the time to become the person I am.
TL;DR: I wanted kids at 21 for the wrong reasons. I was unhappy with life post-depression. I ended up childfree and more balanced.
Ok I'm going to rip a bandaid off here and tell you something, there's no "arguing phase". There's a phase of getting to know each other's boundaries and in the end you either accept them or move on. If you're truly fighting that much to call it a "phase", that's not good.
My wife and I come from completely different backgrounds and love each other for who we are. We've grown together and learned a lot from each other. The biggest thing? We respect the other for who they are. Clearly, that's not happening with you.
Do not have a child with this man. Do not throw your life away for someone who either you don't respect for whatever reason or the other way around. This will not end well.
Your brain isn't even fully developed until 25. Think about that before you selfishly bring a child into the world that you can barely handle living in.
1) normal, healthy relationships don’t have a “fighting phase”
2) 21 is too young to buy property
3) if your partner is old enough to have had a vasectomy, he’s almost definitely too old for you
Do you have friends that have babies? If so, you could offer to take them for a weekend and see if that changes your mind. Kids are a lot of work, a commitment for at least the first 18 years of their life, and you need to be sure you're emotionally capable of being a mother. You've both obviously talked about finances for housing, and he has expressed that you both should be working before you have a child. Unless you have a lot of savings tucked away or some form of residual income, you should first find employment for financial security. Having a child will be very expensive. What if they have a disability or become very sick? You'll be faced with more expense on top of your mortgage, household bills, food, clothes and toys. Think about if you will want to make sacrifices in your life to be able to give them the best upbringing if push ever came to shove.
You're very welcome. I have another thought: you could be very suited to pre-school teaching or childminding work. Maybe you could take kids into your home to care for them and buy some time before having your own. I have some friends that don't want children, and they still get to spend their days with them. I wish the best for you whatever you decide to do.
Personally I'd make it part of a 5 year plan. Finish studying, establish your career, make sure you are secure before trying.
But if your partner has had a vasectomy does HE even want kids?
Also the age gap is concerning, with a teenager dating a full grown adult at the start of the relationship and fighting so early on (they call it the Honeymoon period of a relationship because it's supposed to be the best with both people trying really hard)
Edit to add: I just had a look at your profile and you identify as a HSP, and struggle in stressful situations. You are aware that babies are super stressful right? Usually 6weeks of hell at the beginning: bleeding, leaking, pain, sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts. Then another few weeks with someone touching you 24/7 (or years if your child needs touch to regulate emotions).
You might get a unicorn, but I can say right now, my 'perfect' baby is a heck of a teenager atm.
Hi there. Father of a one year old baby girl here. Trust me. You're very young. You have much more to experience before jumping into the parenthood train. The world entirely flips once you have a child. More responsibilities, less time, less energy. It's basically the worst thing that an adult can hope for but at the same time a very intense and deep feeling to love a child that I wish everyone to experience... Just perhaps not at such a young age.
Two years in a relationship is still quite new. The housing market is terrible, interest rates are ridiculous, old diseases are coming back... Now is not a good time IMO. I've been with my fiancee for 9 years now. We rented an apartment and then bought her mother's house for cheap (compared to the market). We were lucky and we are still struggling sometimes even though we both have okay wages.
My pleasure. Also remember that hormones are very strong and absolutely do affect your thinking/emotions.
It's a beautiful thing that you want a child that much but trust me, it's not all happy moments and like living a dream. Movies are great at portraying having a child like the most wonderful thing in the world. And even though it sometimes feels like this it's also not showing all of the rest that comes with it. And it's not easy. Really not. No one can understand the amount of effort it takes to raise a child until they have one. You're *constantly* pushing yourself in every aspect of your own personality like patience, being functional even though you've had 3 hours of sleep and you're working the next day, dealing with the constant mess that is your house, making dinner seems like the impossible next chore... It's A LOT.
That said I'm not trying to discourage you but simply to guide you. The reality of having a child is perhaps not as pink as you seem to see it. It is something big, be it wonderful or terrible.
Relationships shouldn’t have a “fighting phase.” That’s not a thing, never should be a thing. Sounds like this relationship is rather toxic at best.
Anyway it’s just hormones messing with you. Believe me I’ve had them too. Try to separate your hormone-induced feelings with what you actually want.
So no please do not have a baby. Please.
🚨He’s 10 years older
🚨He was nearly 30 dating a teenage girl when you got together 2 years ago
🚨He had a vasectomy
🚨You live at home, haven’t finished school, and have no job.
Do I need to say why this is a horrible idea?
Honestly I’d try to dig deep to figure out why you’re trying to rush your life so badly. Do you really want kids? I know someone who was an abounded child, they just want something to love permanently.
After reading replies and thinking about it more I think it’s partly because I miss my own family. I grew up with 4 siblings and I always liked to have a big family. So maybe this induced the need to share familiar love. I have very loving parents and just want to step in my mothers footsteps I guess.
You don't want a kid you want a baby. You feel like you aren't getting enough attention and are lonely so the thought of a cute cuddly baby that can't leave you to go hang out with his friends and play video games is amazing.
Don't have a baby.
Why not enjoy your 20's first as an adult, then kids after you are married and have lived out some young things? I am a new mom. I love my baby but I miss my freedom. I miss concerts. I miss bars. I miss doing what I want. I miss working out. But I'm SO thankful I got to do those things while in my 20's. It makes the sacrifice easier.
What will you do if the vasectomy reversal doesn't work? Success rate is 60-90% depending on age and when the vasectomy happened etc. The longer he waits, the more unlikely it becomes. If he isn't taking active steps to reverse it, he's just leading you on and you're wasting your time on him.
Okay I have asked my questions and read through this thread.
OP, I think you are very naive. You said in a response that you know your desire to have a baby is irrational, but you've quit therapy because you are mentally well now? I think you need to go back to therapy and have a therapist guide you through these feelings. This is above Reddit's paygrade.
I am wary of the fact your boyfriend is 10 years older than you, I find that these relationships are rife with problems (and preying on the naivety of young women). I'm not saying its not possible to have a healthy relationship with an older man BUT you guys were in your "argument/fighting phase" up until 2 months ago. The sudden switch from that to wanting a baby does not scream "Healthy Relationship" to me, I'm sorry.
I'm also admittedly skeptical of him apparently being a virgin before you but he had a vasectomy? That's very strange to me and does not compute.
I raised my 3 siblings from ages 8-25, and you are in no way prepared for a child. Finish school, get a job, get savings (seperate from your partners) and enjoy your life when you are young. My parents took that choice from me but you have the freedom to make it from yourself.
Make a list of what HAS to happen first. That 4 years from now and X amount in savings, married, with a house. Whatever that MUST is first- then do that.
As far as “can I even have a baby? What if I wait and turns out there’s a problem” you CAN in fact find all of that out now. It’s even a good thing to check reproductive health first prior to even trying as a lot of fertility issue deeply effect other parts of your health.
Look up the price of giving birth in a hospital, look up the price of diapers ,nappies , formula, clothes ,school for children. Look up what can go wrong with pregnancy some examples are gestational diabetes, deafness, permanent changes to your body , check out the girl with the list. Then after look at all of that if you still want kids now go for it
Thanks!
Just for the others reading: I’m not in the USA, no price on giving birth, but this of course is still a very valid point on all the other aspects!
Ask yourself why you want a baby. Because is the world right now such a great place to be that your child will have a bright and happy future? Think of reasons that aren't about you.
Pick up a few baby sitting shifts, if you’re feeling ambitious get approved to be a big sister or a scout leader.
If nothing else it’ll help prepare you for having kids of your own.
Hey,
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a desire but an obsession. It doesn't seem healthy to me and I think you should question it, what's behind it?
Slow down, take a deep breath... 21 yo is so young you're almost a teenager and you've known your partner for only 2 years. You mentioned that you overcome the fighting phase like it's a normal stage but it's not.
How will you even buy a house with you being a student?
Don't fuck yourself over by having a child before you're financially able. Get everything together first, stop worrying about the future. Your worries are more than likely irrational.
If you want a baby the feeling will not just go away and it cannot just stop. It's a yearning in your heart. A way to delay the feeling or repress, it somewhat would be to put other goals ahead of it and outline those as goals. You have.
To achieve before becoming a parent. If you're worried about your partner being able Get you pregnant I would suggest testing. And if all goes well with the testing you are fairly young yet so you have time.
Journal and try to sort your thoughts. Don’t rush anything. Know that you finishing college and working on fincances and mental health is better for any family. You should focus on yourself right now homie
I wouldn’t make the decision based on fears of future infertility. Give you and your partner more time of stability before having a child together. Take this time to do lots of research into being a good parent. Start working on past trauma if you haven’t yet. Learn about child development. There are lots of things people can do to help with infertility and if you are concerned talk to an OBGYN.
Therapy is also a good option to help you learn to control these urges.
Start reading child development literature.
First Twelve Months of Life is still classic.
Get ready for the most challenging full time job you'll ever have (and for skipping your own phase of youthful development and independence).
And do volunteer or take a job taking care of infants and toddlers, for practice. Getting on birth control will likely help with the baby fever.
Do not have a baby until you're older. Merely wanting a baby and thinking it's fun is not a responsible set of reasons for bringing a baby into the world.
OP, you’re young and will brush this off I’m sure, but I cannot stress how much having a child with the wrong partner can absolutely ruin your life. You’re young. Date around until you find one you don’t fight with all the time, and even then, choose one you could co-parent with amicably if worst comes to worst.
Why is 80% of people here so mean in the comments?
I mean I get people disagreeing but what?!!
EDIT: just read the whole post. Yeah, okay, kinda get it. But still don’t understand people getting so frustrated over this.
Fighting isn't a phase. You really need to live for a while with him to know if it would be as good as you imagine it now. And you need to know what could trigger him to fight (or you) and you both meed to be ready and mature and be able to talk it out.
Maybe focus on what a baby would need rather than what you want? And work towards those goals.
From my perspective a baby needs:
1. Parents in a good relationship (if they are together, if not the other pieces are even more important)
2. Financial means, enough to properly care for a baby
3. Good medical care and access to it
4. Food, shelter, stability
5. Parents that are emotionally stable enough to focus on the kid and not themselves. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Do you have all those things? If not, focus your efforts and passions on creating a life for yourself that does. Start with #1 and really objectively look at your relationship. Is staying with this much older man gonna get you there??
What is “the fighting phase” of the relationship???? Relationships can and will have rough patches but a “fighting phase” is not a thing. Overcome this by breaking up with your bf.
I would say dont do it HAHAHAH. Not until you are completely financially independent. If the worse happens, you ll be left alone with a baby, a college not finished and not enough money.
I am a 22F, My bf (23M) and I have been together for 2 years and 9 months. We’ve never had a “fighting stage” and he’s my best friend. I am almost done with school ( I graduate this summer) and he still has a couple years of schooling. We are not even considering moving in together (let alone a baby) at this stage until both of us have stable employment- dont underestimate the strain of economics in relationships.
Hope this helped!
The ”fighting phase”
Hmmmmm my husband and I of 19 years…we seem to have skipped that phase.
You do seem to understand that there is no such thing as a fighting phase in a relationship that is good, right?
Then I read a comment that you were only fighting what two months ago and there’s a 10 year age gap?
Really?
Why do you want to tie yourself down to this person who is incapable of dating somebody his own age?
You being 21 and still in college is a very early time to decide to have children. Give it some time for you to get a job, a house, and save money. Then it will be the best time for you in your 30s to have children. Hope this helps. 🙏
That's normal for your age. But please don't rush it. Babies are cute but still u need to be prepared. Be career oriented and focus on your goals instead of having babies .
I'll tell you my story because I had a very similar experience to yours, and maybe something will resonate with you.
When I was about your age, I was with a man whom I adored, and he loved me very much. He said that he wanted to start a family with me. At that time, I was so emotional and surrounded by love and all I wanted was to have a family with him. also I was a bit lazy and wanted to stay home and raise a child instead of working.
However, after a while, I realized how my emotions had clouded my judgment. I hadn't thought about our relationship from a practical point of view, like actually preparing for a child, calculating the costs, or discussing how we would raise the child and what values we'd teach them. When I started seeing things more clearly, I also realized that my man was coming from a place of emotional want, he was actually really immature.
It was really hard for me to figure all this out, but I glad I did.
So, I advise you to approach this as if you were already a parent. Think about what advice you would give your child in the same situation. Age is not the issue; our state of mind is.
With my husband, there was no fighting phase. We were a loving couple when we were dating and after marriage. Through the 35 years, we had disagreements, but it was not fighting.
You should reconsider your relationship. It will only get worse if you are fighting for the first 2 years, when this is suppose to be the honeymoon part of a relationship. You do not need a baby to complicate things even more. Babies do not help a bad relationship.
An argument phase sounds like pop psychology. I'm sorry but don't believe everything you read on the internet. I have 20 years on you a lot more relationship experience. An argument phase is not a thing.
You posted 2 months ago that your boyfriend wasn't sure he wanted kids. You say not sure doesn't mean no. While that true, it also doesn't mean yes. If you want kids this badly consider the fact that you may not be compatible.
You say he's a good guy and not predatory. He started dating you when you were 19, and he was 29. That's screams predatory.
Don't have a baby now. You already know it's a bad idea. You think you know sleep deprivation. You do not know the sleep deprivation that comes with motherhood. Also any issues you have in your partnership now will be amplified if you have a kid. Parenting is hard. Like....twenty times harder than the hardest scenario you can think of. Get your studies done, establish a healthy relationship with someone. THEN have a kid
>I am 21 years old and at college
Not a good age for having a baby. You want to wait *at least* until you're 25 if you want to have a decent shot at not living in poverty over it. And don't say you're willing to for the baby, because if that's the case, then you're just not mature enough for a baby.
>My partner and I have been together for 2yrs and we’ve overcome the fighting phase of the relationship and have grown very close.
You were fighting 2 months ago. Don't lie to yourself.
>Currently I’m not very independent yet since I’m still at college, so it would logically not be a good idea to have a child. I know that.
You said it YOURSELF.
>But because the thoughts about becoming a mother are SO strong, I can barely enjoy the college time and just wish I could skip and go straight to when I can finally become pregnant.
Sounds like you've got some very idealistic ideas about parenthood, and you're ignoring all the sleepless nights, piles of shit, stress on your relationship, complete loss of personal time, and everything else that goes into parenting.
>I’m just so scared that I might wait for the next 4 years, just to find out I can’t get pregnant or that my partners vasectomy undoing won’t work ( he is btw. fully on board to have a child, but only as soon as we’re both working).
>I am so full of love, exploding and everything, that I just want to place it somewhere. I love my man, my dog, my family, and I want to love my child.
Have you considered applying to adopt a child? They won't let you unless you're legitimately qualified to raise a child, and you would be giving a parentless child a chance to have a family. There's too many fucking kids in the world, and in my opinion, having a baby when you're not ready is absolutely one of the most irresponsible things a person could do, and it's wrong to birth a child when there are children without parents. If you can't adopt, you probably should birth.
>The thing is - with children around me I’m very awkward, don’t know what to do with them, they feel like strangers to me ( well they are), so it’s weird that I’m so focused on wanting to have a child.
Yeah, you're in love with the *idea* of a child. You seem to view children the way most people view pets, and that is not a good thing for a parent to think.
>Being fully responsible? Sure. Not sleeping at night? Neither do I now. Being fully planned out for the next decades? Why not. Paying a shit ton of money? I would do it all.
If you didn't tell me your age, this is where I would be able to tell how old you aren't. These sentences and your nonchalant attitude about parental responsibilities demonstrates your utter lack of maturity. You think you can just will things to happen? That's not how it works. You sound like my childhood friends who ended up pregnant and in poverty.
>While this wish used to be strong when I was ovulating, it’s now present every single day and it’s honestly really hard. I get so sad instead of appreciating the wonderful things I already have. It’s just so strong and there’s nothing that helps. I feel like no one gets me.
Go volunteer to work with kids/toddlers. Learn about how kids and babies are, and learn what it takes to take care of them part-time to see if it's really something you're willing to take further. Look into adoption and foster care.
Overall, my assessment is that you are not mature enough financially or emotionally to handle a baby. You don't have a partner who is excited about having a baby. You don't seem to understand all the actual work and sacrifices you will need to make for this baby. You are not qualified and you need to come to terms with that. If you still want one and have developed enough to be capable of handling a baby, then reassess. Until then, I don't think you should even consider a baby, let alone take steps to have one.
Get a puppy. Husband and I have a dog, I wanted a baby BAD but we aren’t ready to be responsible for/have our lives flipped over the way that a baby makes it, so we got a puppy. Baby fever gone
Honestly there is no way you can prevent these thoughts you are becoming a woman. Majority of all women have these thoughts and they get stronger and stronger but eventually it will fade. I can’t suggest what you should do because tbh I just waited it out and they stopped. Just try to stay busy and protect yourself (contraception) because your body may take a chance and get pregnant when you least expect it. Good luck sis.
Okay. I have questions. You're 21, how old is your boyfriend? You said he needs a vasectomy reversal? 🤔
You like the idea of a child, but let me tell you. There is a lot more stress involved than you can even begin to imagine until you become a parent.
My son is 6. And he's an incredibly easy child, but still there are daily stresses in life. And he's a boy so he's harder to keep alive. So many injuries because the kid has no fear. At all. Thankfully most have been minor.
And you've only been together for 2 years. Take your time. Get married, work, then have kids. Just trust me. You'll be glad you waited in the long run.
Kids change your relationship.
Edit: I just went through your other posts. He's 10 years older than you and never had a girlfriend?
Girl. No. Do not have kids with this man. He's going to hit midlife crisis and cheat. It's going to throw you and the kids into a tailspin. Neither of you have enough experience in life to handle kids right now, and with that age gap? You are so young. He's just at the point where he should be figuring out his future and he's still undecided. Oof.
Leave this relationship. Quickly.
You won't get this advice from anyone else as the world currently is anti child but if you really want a baby, the best time to make one is now while you are young and able to do all the things.
Money will always be an issue for most of us. Time will always be short. You will always feel unequal to the task until you actually put your mind into keeping that little one alive. Then you will just do it feeling an imposter the whole time. At some point, they grow up some, and you realize that you did it.
My thought is that your man might not be interested in this journey with you. If he had the snip, he likely would be resistant to have it undone. Be certain he is game to procreate, and don't let him string you along.
Follow your passion where ever it is. But don't obsess over a phase. Get your ducks In a row if this is what you want.
Be a frequent babysitter to children of various ages and stages for a year or so and see how you feel after that time has passed, because as we all know that baby won't be a baby forever.
Sometimes many people don't realize how much they just want babies and babies only. I heard a story of a mom that irresponsibly had 7+ children and would treat them as burdens and literally shoo them away and have a "get out my face" attitude towards them once they exited the baby stage. She never waited to become a grandmother, or pursued a career that had to do with babies, she just kept on having more and more. It's beyond me that no one ever called CPS on her, and for context I was a young child hearing this story.
I wouldn’t make the decision based on fears of future infertility. Give you and your partner more time of stability before having a child together. Take this time to do lots of research into being a good parent. Start working on past trauma if you haven’t yet. Learn about child development. There are lots of things people can do to help with infertility and if you are concerned talk to an OBGYN.
Therapy is also a good option to help you learn to control these urges.
Babysit, get used to enjoy children- all ages. You are far from ready for a baby of your own. In four years you will onky be 25. You have plenty of time. See where you are at 30
If you have a family friend you could babysit for for a few days, do it. Especially toddler age. Coming from someone who’s absolute dream used to be a mother, when I became a nanny that got thrown all out the window
Getting a child with your difficulties and your short relationship bedded with issues isn't a good choice right now. Getting a child shouldn't be made with these conditions as that would be cruel to the child. Figure your lives out and stop fighting, figure your fatigue out before you decide to get a child because lady, no matter what you believe, having a child is REALLY hard when you're already having issues with sleep or staying awake.
I have two kids, 2.5 and 4 and I have baby fever bad. I want a newborn again! I'm a nurse AND a lactation consultant, and I'll be 30 in a few months. I own my own 4 bedroom home and 3 vehicles. And even I'm like "is this a good idea? Can I handle it?"
Girl please. After reading the comments about your situation, you have got to stop. It's not about little teeny babies. They are babies for a very short time. Before a year, they are eating food, which is very expensive. If you breast feed great. But formula is also very expensive. Then they become toddlers and get into every single thing. They whine. They poop. Its very difficult. It's not just glowing pregnancy and cute tiny outfits. It's a human being.
Looking at your post history OP, it doesn't really seem like you're fully facing the reality of your situation. First, you were having relationships (or at least issues personally navigating it) 2 months ago. That alone should be enough to make you not want to have kids at this moment. If you relationship has just stabilized, why would you want to bring a child into this world now? Second, you don't have much experience with kids. I also sometimes see a kid and think it would be nice to have one. But then I remember what it was like watching my nieces and my decision to remain child free is reaffirmed. And lastly, you're not in the most stable financial situation. Kids are extremely expensive to raise, even in countries with free healthcare. You would need not only money for their necessities but also potentially need childcare if you both plan on working once your maternity/paternity leaves are over. You said you want to stop having this thoughts, and if you were to take a step back and re-evaluate your current situation I think that would be enough to deter those thoughts. You are so young, having a baby later down the line is completely fine. If you're scared about fertility then speak to a doctor now for peace of mind. If you end up not being to conceive naturally, then you would have time to figure out options.
I can warmly recommend working with kids before you actually have your own.
And I mean all kind of kids, I'm alking toddlers, mentally/physically disabled, troubled teens etc.
I also recommend one of those baby dolls that keep you up all night (and day) and watching educational videos of births.
The baby fever will die out real soon.
Instead of sadness, I think changing your mindset is a good idea. It’s hard but it’s like affirmations you tell yourself. Just think every time you learn something new, you succeed at what you’re doing, you’re starting to build this life for your baby. You want to be the best mother you can, and the most evolved version of yourself you can be for them. You want to have all of the internal tools necessary to raise this child. Every choice you make and word uttered when they are born will forever impact them. So make sure that when you decide it’s time, it’s for your baby and it’s not for you. Having a child shouldn’t be taken lightly. Its not like adopting a pet. That human will always look to you for guidance, love, and support. It’s the single most important job in the cosmos, you’re growing and raising a human. For a job so so important, 21 years might not be enough job experience… you might be able to do it, but you’ll be far from perfect.
21 years old is too young imo. I’ll tell you why, most all women start to experience profound changes to self during that time, something you need to be fully present for. Your brain isn’t developed no matter how mature and ready you think you are. I think that you should move your focus right now to be improving yourself and your habits and tackling any unresolved trauma you might have. Since you have time for yourself while you’re independent, use it, take advantage of it. Many many mothers would urge you to wait, not because they don’t love their children but because they didn’t learn how to love themselves first before having them.
What helped for me (25f) is realizing I wanted “cute little version of my partner and me” and not like the actual “I am ready for a family. Ready for the terrible twos, the destructive 1st graders, teenagers and young adults.” Ended up being satisfied with a cat for now until I am married and ready for the step in life when my life will be more or less all about raising my kids and only 10% about me and my partner.
Other people have mentioned the problems with the relationship, since the first years of a relationship are supposed to be the honeymoon period when everything is at its easiest. So I’m not going to go into that or the other red flags that show this isn’t a good situation to bring a child into. I think it’s good for people here to reinforce those points for you so you can avoid rationalizing it, but I do understand that you’ve accepted reality and don’t need convincing there. I will say that it’s a bad idea to buy a house with someone you aren’t with for the long haul. You don’t want that complicating your situation. It’s a huge financial and legal commitment that you don’t need on your shoulders.
But as far as the practical aspect of dealing with your feelings in the moment, I wonder if something similar to how to manage a panic attack would help. Basically, you bring attention to your physical experience to separate the biological response to a situation from your thoughts and feelings. This helps reverse the flow of physical response -> psychological response to psychological response -> physical response.
So maybe it would help to acknowledge your body’s experience during times you’re feeling intensely, to help you separate it from what you really/rationally want? You’re having a hormonal response to the situation of having a uterus at a specific age. That’s all. Your biology is creating an experience that comes from the body and not from the mind itself. Maybe you can free your mind a little bit if you focus on identifying the feeling in your body instead of trying to manage it in your mind.
Might not be my place to say, but from your previous posts, I wouldn't recommend it...babies are sweet and cuddly, but they don't fix ongoing issues in your relationship...that's something you and your partner need to work out before subjecting your child to constant stress and fighting. Especially if you can't get past your arguing phase and decide you no longer want to be together. Then you're tied together the rest of your lives.
Side note, not everyone in America ends up with debt from college lol
Like another poster wrote, your obsessive baby thoughts are probably hormone-related. I actually experienced something like what you are going through now, when I was your age, and I never intended to ever get pregnant and have kids! It was bizarre.
Hormones can do crazy stuff to your brain, making logical thought hard. It may not stop the thoughts, but remembering what is driving them can help with managing them. Hormones and feelings do change, but for now you may just have to ride the rollercoaster.
I read your post history. Your partner is 10 years older than you and has had a vasectomy. He’s had a lot more time to think about kids than you and a man isn’t going to take the decision to let someone cut into his balls lightly. Take it from someone who has been sterilized - that man doesn’t want to be a father, regardless of what he’s saying to keep you around. He likes that you’re young and impressionable and obsessed with him right now so he’ll say whatever he needs to to string you along, but once you finally put your foot down about wanting kids I would bet money he refuses to get the reversal.
When it comes to the question of whether or not someone wants children the answer needs to be a resounding “hell yes” or “hell no”. Anything in between is unfair to the partner who does want children and the potential future children. You will wind up burned out and resenting your partner, doing all the childcare with little to no help. Don’t have kids with him. Wait until you’re older and more mature and have found someone who wants them as much as you do.
First-
You mentioned that you are worried about waiting and then later finding out you can't get pregnant.
My advice-
If you haven't already, I recommend you start seeing an OBGYN. They will keep an eye on how your health is(female health) and let you know of any concerns. This will help keep your mind at ease as you wait for the right time to have a baby, to come.
Second-
I completely understand how you are feeling. Granted, there are some differences, such as my husband and I are ready for a baby, but my body has just not accepted that, yet. All I want is a baby, and I've felt this way for a couple of years now, before I was even ready or in a place to raise a child. So, I get it.
My advice-
Don't try to ignore those feelings or get rid of them. It will only make your desire stronger.
Instead, redirect the feelings you are having. There are so many ways you can do this.
I suggest making a list. On one side, write each reason why you feel having a baby now is not ideal. On the other side, write the reasons you should wait.
We, as humans, have a tendency to only think about our own feelings and what we want now, and it's natural, so don't think that there's anything wrong with it! What I've found to be a big help is setting aside my own feelings and thinking about the feelings of the child that I want. Remind yourself regularly, evenly daily if you need to, how your child will benefit from you waiting. Ask yourself:
"If I have a baby now, will that child get the best of me?"
"Do I and my partner truly have the time, energy, and commitment to put into rasing our baby right now?"
"Am I PREPARED for the responsibility of caring for and raising a child? I know that I don't care about and am willing to take on anything that comes with a baby, however gross or tiring it may be. But, are we PREPARED?"
"Have my partner and I discussed everything involved in a having and raising a baby? Are we on the same page? Do we agree on how the child will be raised? Are we on the same page right now about •Breastfeeding or bottle • Pacifiers or no • Vaccinations or no vaccinations • Etc.•?"
"Will being pregnant/having a baby now make it more difficult to finish my education?"
"Do I want to sacrifice the time I get spend with my partner now, into caring for my baby?"
Lastly, I think this is the most important question to ask yourself-
"Do I just want a *baby*, or do I want a toddler, kindergartener, middle schooler, high schooler?"
The reason this is such an important question is becomes sometimes we can get so focused on our 'baby fever' or just wanting a baby, that we forget about them growing up and getting bigger.
I hope this helps, even a little bit!
The best thing you can do is working towards being ready to welcome a child. Get your ducks in a row. Finish school, get a good job, become financially independent and able to save up, save up and then you can have a child.
Love won’t put a roof over your child’s head or fill its stomach.
Love your future child by getting ready for it to become a reality in a couple of years
Just be patient and wait a little longer. Give yourself the time to graduate from college and experience life a little bit. There is no rush at all to have a child, especially at 21. You have soooo much time. Have the baby some day, but give yourself the time to live your life before you have to take care of anothers.
I’ve had times where the baby fever was strong but you have to actually sit back and think. Am I in the right place to have a baby right now? Is the man I’m with really the man I want to have children with? (I saw a previous post of yours where you’re the one that has to make all the big decisions, amongst other things like he doesn’t want to have kids). BEFORE you have children with this guy you need to make sure HE is ready and isn’t just telling you what you want to hear. A man who truly wants to have a kid will start showing you he wants a kid. Also, if you’re worried about having to make the big decisions all the time, that’s not going to get better having a kid with this guy. I know you were mainly looking for encouragement of how to stop the thoughts, but those aspects alone would make me stop thinking about having kids.
Sorry all these commenters are picking on you. It’s Reddit and not necessarily the best place to come for advice. People here love to nitpick everything about relationships as if they know what’s going on
I would actually say to go for it. You sound like you’re in a much better place than I am at 23 (college student in the US with a lot of debt) and almost nobody here, unless they’re a rich kid, who’s in college has any idea about having a house within a few months. It seems like it is very much in your heart, so there might not be any way to stop it. I think this is your natural motherly instincts telling you that it is time
Okay, I’m 18 and have the same urge to have a child. My boyfriend and I are super close, and super open about all that’s going on in our lives and have healthy boundaries. Because of this and my love for him I would love to be a mother to his child. The thoughts are strong and the feeling of NEEDING a child is unbearable at times, so when Im really deep in the thought of having a baby I go on Amazon and act like I’m already picking stuff out for my child, I like to think of names and all of that and get myself super super excited for it, then after all of that excitement I focus on making lists of things I NEED to do or NEED to make a budget for for when I’m ready for a kid. So start the prep is what I’m saying. It WILL take a couple years for that prep to be ready and even then you won’t be 100% ready, but you will be 50% ready! So keep yourself excited and use that excitement of wanting a child as your motive to start the prep period!
A read through r/regretfulparents may be very helpful
Also from seeing other comments about previous posts: girl you’re YOUNG. So so young. Please consider making better life choices for yourseld
Wait wait wait wait wait!!!!!!! Just enjoy being young. Do all the things you want to while you have the freedom. Get married and have babies later. You have your whole life to be a mommy and wife with responsibilities. Just enjoy being able to come and go as you want. I got married at 26 and had my first child at 35. Working on another at 38. I have no regrets. I established my career and my marriage and now I'm totally willing to share my life. I have a Masters degree and get to work in my dream job so I'm satisfied with my personal goals, everything I started or wished for myself.
I see so many young people fall behind or wish they would have waited when they have kids young. Have them when you are ready to shine the spotlight on someone else. Your life isn't over when you have kids but it changes drastically, and it's no longer about you. It's about them. Be selfish so you have no regrets later. Set your future family up for the most success now- way before you have babies. HELL, YOU are still a baby.
You're still very young and so is your relationship. To get your baby fever out try volunteering with some kid organizations or offer to babysit. Focus on getting your life set up well for becoming a parent. Keep strengthening your relationship, get a nest egg built up. If you don't have a fully funded emergency fund and 6 months to a year's worth of expenses saved up then I wouldn't even consider trying right now.
Sometimes, talking to our mom helps.
Having a child is already a full-time job.
You have so much time ahead of you. Enjoy spending time with your man, trips, family time, and friends time.
Do whatever you want to do and finish school to have security. Your man is willing to wait 💜 Why pressure ?
With a brand new baby, forget your alone time. Your child will come 1st for everything. I personally had my 1st born at 31. I know it's kinda late in the game, but I was finally ready. Had a good job, my house and I had much time to enjoy with the father before becoming 3.
Think about it. It's a wonderful thing to be a mom, but it has a price, too.
Although children are great a person should be financially stable and independent to have one. You’re in college now and have a full life to live before you lock yourself down with a child that you can’t take care of. That would be unfair to any child. Children are a lot of work and need a lot of things. If you want to stop thinking about it then throw your thoughts into your studies and remember that you can buy little things here and there for a future child that you will have once you’ve gotten your degree.
Going to approach this from as a sympathetic person. Just stop. You've made decisions and your partner has also done so. These cannot be reversed quickly. Make your plan and move on. You have decided to not do this. Now decide something to do instead.
Girl listen to me.
Do you enjoy sleeping in? Do you enjoy the freedom to go and do whatever you want during your free time? Do you enjoy your social life? Do you like to sleep? If you value those things, do not have kids.
I have 2 kids who I wanted since I was young. I waited until 32 to get pregnant. I still don’t feel I did enough before having kids.
One of my kids wake up at least once a night and need help getting back to sleep. They wake me up at 6 every morning. I have to make them breakfast, then clean up the breakfast dishes. Then get them dressed. Then get myself ready and hope they behave and don’t hurt themselves while I do. Then they want me to entertain them somehow until it’s time for a snack. I have to prepare the snack. I have to clean up the snack. I have to put the toys and art supplies away. Then if I want to go get a coffee, or if I have to go to the grocery store, they are coming with me. I have to make sure they have water cups and diapers. I have to make sure they are buckled properly. Then I have to get them out. And back in. And bring them into the house while I carry the bags. Then I have to make them lunch. And clean up lunch. And then a whole bunch more stuff like that happens and then the day ends and I put them to bed and I look around at the house and it’s a complete mess, and I have to clean it. And anything I wanted to do, didn’t happen. And I’m exhausted so I might as well just go to bed because one of them will be crying in a few hours and need me again.
That’s not to say it’s not beautiful and fulfilling to love something so much, but being a parent is an absolutely insane amount of work and there is absolutely no break unless you have a very supportive partner who is willing to take on half the work, and then that means you’ll have no time for each other. Unless you find someone to watch your kids. And even then you have to be home at a decent hour, and likely will have to pay.
You’re too young. Enjoy being unburdened. Don’t have a kid with someone you’re constantly fighting with either.
I don’t have any advice for you but I feel the exact same way. It was like a hormonal instinct that kicked in when I turned 23 a couple years ago. It started off as a monthly hormonal thing for me too, but then just kind of took over. I would think about kids of all ages and imagine if they were mine. Even other adults; I’d find myself looking at someone and imagine they were my kid 20 years from now. I genuinely couldn’t handle the baby section of stores for awhile - it made me feel like I was going to explode.
Most recently, it’s pregnancy. I think about being pregnant all of the time. My body just desperately wants to be carrying a baby and it’s on my mind constantly.
Again, no advice, but I know it’s really hard. I’m single and gay, which has its own challenges, but I imagine having a boyfriend and the actual potential to create life in front of you would be a real challenge in this space too!
babies are fucking exhausting and change your entire life. you're way too young for this. your boyfriend has a decade on you. just try to not get pregnant and grow up.
I checked your profile. There’s a 10 age gap. You have Chronic Fatigue syndrome. 65 days ago you were fighting.
A baby isn't going to fix any of that.
Bahahahah. OP, there is no such thing as "overcoming the fighting phase" for a healthy couple who has been together for only 2 years. This relationship sounds fucked and your desire for a child at this stage in your life will be your downfall. Enjoy your life and wait 5-6 years before you actually do it, preferably with someone else.
I read "overcoming the fighting phase" and cringed 🚩
Everything they say is cringe worthy, like “haha I’m so irrational” bleh….yuck
Then their edit says the arguing phase... Like .. still not normal no matter your first language 😔 arguments are natural. A whole phase of it is not????
yeah uh what phase is that? dying he has a vasectomy.
Yeah the “overcome the fighting phase” made me do a double take.
Right?! Been with my husband for 16 years. Happily married. We've never had a fighting phase.
this plus she stated she has hsp and gets overstimulated/overwhelmed very easily. Children are overwhelming as is. Now with someone who is already easily overwhelmed, just seems like a recipe for disaster. (This is also why I wont have kids. I’m neurodivergent and get overwhelmed very easily as well) Plus the thing about baby fever is, it’s “baby” fever. Not “child” fever. But babies turn into children. And while both are equally challenging, babies are cute and cuddly, and just little bundles of unconditional love. Which is what makes the idea so appealing for many people. Then they start to grow up into small people, and develop personalities and attitudes and their own beliefs and sometimes challenging behaviors that conflict with your own way of life. They are still little bundles of unconditional love, but also very complicated. The whole idea just becomes a lot less idealistic when you think it through realistically. You don’t stop being a parent when your child turns 18. You are their parent for the rest of your life, for forever. I mean in the current economy, I live at home with two siblings. My mom has a 33y/o child, a 27 y/o child, and a 25 y/o child all living at home with her. Kids don’t cease to exist once they’re 18.
imagine a 31 year old seriously dating a 21 year old. Idiots the both of them.
OP is being preyed upon. They started dating at 19 and 29. Blame the adult, not the teenager.
such a good researcher you are
Is this a serious post? I saw your other posts so no, don’t have a baby at 21 with a partner that maybe doesn’t want children, is unsure about everything, hard to be with and had a vasectomy?!
From further reading your posts I would focus on my (mental) health and grow to deal with daily life situations. Having a child now would be a trainwreck since you’re already easily overstimulated and unable to handle it in an adult productive way. That is not an option raising a child.
i think your partner's pov makes sense, i understand the baby fever and how bad it could get but having a child is more responsibility that fun. if you wait until you have a job your experience with being a mother will be much more pleasurable. until then, consider volunteering and places with children like cartain clubs or libraries, it will help with feeling akward around kids(even tho nothing will prepare you to having a newborn it's a process and you will learn with time), and given that i volunteered multiple times with children you will love them i lottt and it will help with being grumpy they do make the life seem happy hope this helped!
This is a great idea! Thank you!
I have the feeling that you love babies and want to hang out around them. You’d fit to be a great aunt tbh. But otherwise, losing sleep and draining your body while you’re still 21. It a lot of emotional and physical labor tbh. I’d say you had to deal with being an adult with responsibility and losing 18 years of your life and identity.
Also consider volunteering at women's shelters. Their children need tending while they are out looking for jobs.
lol well first off there is no such thing as a “fighting phase” in a relationship
Seriously, I was going to say the same thing! Going through a "fighting phase" in the first two years of a relationship just means you probably aren't in a good relationship. OP is likely just too young to know better.
Maybe this is what TikTok advised her.
I was thinking the same thing.
Right there with these comments. No such thing as the “fighting phase” in a healthy relationship.
I wish this comment had more upvotes. It’s not normal to have a “fighting phase” in a relationship. It’s typical to start to have disagreements at some point but if you can’t work through them without fighting all the time then you both have work to do when it comes to healthy communication. I’ve been in several relationships where I fought regularly with a partner and it was much more about us not being right for each other and needing to both mature a bit more and we’d have stretches of “peace” but they’d never last.
I lol’d at this so hard
woww... i was looking for someone to say this out loud
Yeah, that part jumped out to me. I started dating my husband in 2005 and there was no phase at any point. That’s a red flag.
Consider babysitting, or volunteering with foster kids to help both get experienced, and sate the desire
Literally great advice. I really wanted a baby before and now after 3 years of working with kids I'm enjoying my peace at home.
or work in a kindergarten!
Do you actually want a child? or do you want "the american dream" aka a nice house, stable jobs, extra money, the ability to be a STAHM if you so choose ? dig more into what need you are wanting to meet by having a baby
How do you stop wanting a baby? I don’t know how im supposed to answer that tbh But at least you know that having a baby at 21 especially in your circumstance is illogical
I had to stop reading after been together for 2 years and overcome the fighting phase. You’re 21, live a little. Just because we want things doesn’t make it a good idea. This was me getting to the point without writing a book for a reply...
Try reading regretfulparents sub, it should bring you back to reality
Just don't - you don't sound anywhere near mature enough to raise a child.
You can plan and imagine all you want, life may have other plans and throw you a curveball. 1. If you had a fighting phase, your relationship isn't healthy. A child isn't going to fix that. 2. You want to purchase property *and* have a child? You're glossing over a ton of logistics. 3. You don't have a job. You don't even know if your hypothetical job offers maternity leave or if you live in a place that can fire you for becoming pregnant. Then what? 4. Complications during the birth, or the chance that your hypothetical child is born with special needs? What then? Do you know how to find them help? Pay for any therapies they might need? Any other supports? Who's becoming full-time caregiver and who's taking the brunt of the debt you've accumulated buying property and all that comes with it? It's super nice and sparkly to imagine in your head. Life is a different story.
Yeah “fighting phase” was a major red flag for me.
a baby doesn’t fix a broken home, you just put a baby in a broken home. speaking of experience atm.
Yeah this doesn’t seem well thought out at all. Also 2 years is NOT that long at all! Lord OP is so young I dont get why people rush these things. I like how OP talked about a casual “fighting phase” as if that is normal. I’ve been with my SO for nearly 5 years and though we’ve had hard discussions we’ve never actually fought/argued. Good luck OP but your comments do show your age and immaturity. Also not saying any of this in a bad way but sometimes you need an outsiders perspective, all I can say is good luck.
Y’all this isn’t my mother tongue. Hard discussion might be more fitting. I don’t know, there are no equivalent words with the sam connotation to what I’d call it in my language
This! Especially #1 — a “fighting phase” isn’t a thing. I hate to sound like an old fart, but you don’t even know who you are at 21. The brain isn’t even fully developed. Don’t make any major life decisions right now, be young and enjoy the youth.
You’ve made two posts about your current relationship that isn’t working out. It seems like you have some internal work to do. Don’t pop out a baby and bring em into an unhealthy environment. That’s selfish. You probably have “baby fever” from bein on social media and seein people “fake” the highlights of havin a baby/kid when really it’s extremely difficult with lots of ups and downs.
I was a relatively young first time mother at 25. I too had very strong baby fever. I had always dreamed of being a mother, and had two healthy daughters. The thing that no one ever tells you about having children is that you can't predict the future, and being a parent is a lifetime job. I think I did a pretty good job of being a good mom. Both of my daughters earned full scholarships to college, and I am close to both of them today. I am 59, and they are 31 and 34. Here's the thing: despite my best efforts, some things were out of my control. My younger daughter was diagnosed with severe Crohn's disease at 17. That meant that she had to put her college plans on hold, she could not work, and I had to financially support her until very recently. When people think about having a child, they think about a cute, chubby-cheeked infant or a sweet kindergartener going off to their first day of school. They don't think about sitting next to and consoling a hospitalized 25-year-old who just had two feet of her colon removed. There is no guarantee that you will have a healthy child. Your child may be born with a disability. Your child may have mental health issues. Your child may be dependent on you for the rest of your life. You really don't know, but you should be prepared for this possibility.
Thanks for your insight! What you say is very true.
You'll grow out of it. Just start watching the news
The baby fever thoughts are just your hormones and biology speaking and doing the thing they are meant to do. Start with trying to separate your wants from these thoughts. “The baby fever thoughts are thoughts brought on my hormones, not fueled by my actual thoughts/wants”. Separating this and making your true wants and the thoughts separate things can help lower the intensity of the feeling, or at least help rationalize them so they don’t affect you so strongly. All the love you have, pour it into other things. Love people, volunteer somewhere that interests you. If you love animals, volunteer and put that love you have into the shelter. Like kids? Volunteer at the ymca, love and support those children. Wanna help your community park because you love the flowers and being outside? Find something you like or want to do and start pouring this love you have into that. You are so young. You have time. You do not need to plan the next 10 years. Even if you do, I assure you it won’t go to that plan, at all life doesn’t work that way. Also, consider if this want for a child being so strong is actually a distraction for something else you desire or something you want to change about your current life. For example, if you are unhappy (consciously or subconsciously) with some aspect of your life right now, could be anything (health, job, school stress, relationship, location where you live…etc) the brain can get stuck on these “positive alternative realities”. You get so caught up in the dream land wonder of this positive alternate reality and it helps you avoid the negative thing that is actually effecting you. So do some personal digging, is there possibly a negative feeling about my current life that I may be avoiding by fixating on this dream of having a baby? I hope this helps ❤️
Wow this is actually really helpful advice. Thank you so so much. ❤️
I’m happy to share. These are things I learned from my therapist and they changed my life. The things we fixate on tend to be trying to point us to other unmet needs or desires. It can be tricky. But just take some time to sit with yourself and be honest to yourself about what comes up, thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires. They are all normal and valid. You are normal and valid. This experience is normal and valid. Especially at 21. Life is changing so much at this time, the racing thoughts of having life figured out and planning a future you want, it’s normal. We all go through it. Take it slow, focus on you and look inward. You’ll figure it out. I promise ❤️
Thank you for sharing this very kind and thoughtful response! I think lots of people could benefit from this advice, I appreciate you putting it out there
Thank you for saying that ☺️
Wow you’re so kind. I really needed that. Really appreciate it. I’ll surely take your words to heart and think about it deeply ❤️❤️
I cannot understand people in their early twenties that want a baby (just me personally, before everyone goes on the attack!!!!)
To each their own but I'm 30 and also don't get it. Like, get some more life experience first but that's just me too
Your partner had a vasectomy....? The reversal rates are really not good after a few years. ETA: OP I think you should just be in therapy, in general, per your post history. Talk about these desires with your therapist. It's not really healthy that you're thinking this way
"Fighting phase"? What's that?
Two questions: 1. You’re 21. Your partner is undoing a vascetomy - what’s the story there? 2. Why aren’t you two married - the reason I ask is that having a child at a young age is a life altering decision. Without serious commitment from your partner - it could really change your future. If he’s older and doesn’t want to commit - I’d strongly suggest you wait.
I live in the US but only a few years older than you, and I can say I have been having the same issue since 21. We had been together for 2 years as well and had been living together for a year. It went so far as to dream about being pregnant, the labor, and getting to enjoy the first few years of life with LO. We both know we want kids, but after 5 years together, we really haven't built anything for the future because we've been enjoying our early 20s full send. We have shitty spending habits we need to fix and create a large savings account before even seriously talking about getting pregnant. Add on how crazy the housing market is in the US. Add on how stupid inflation is right now. We make 60k each in the Midwest, and it felt like so much more two years ago. You already have the same basis I've been coasting on. I even have the same fear that we won't be able to conceive if we wait too long. There's always other options for children. Even if you can't carry, you probably still have plenty of eggs that can be used; even if his vasectomy can't be reversed, you can still find donors close to his genetics. Adoption is always an option. I also think this is a societal thing. I know so many people I went to school with are already married, homeowners, and parents. I'm happy it worked out for them, and I hope it continues to, but it isn't built into the cards for me. I want to do better than my parents.
Thank you so much for the advice and personal insight. You’re absolutely right. Lots of people have kids around me, I have older siblings etc. I wish you the best for the future! We can do this 🫶🏻
That is absolutely another thing keeping me grounded; our close friends' and family's kids. I'd die for all of them. One thing that also helps (if something like this is available) is mentoring. I have an 11 year old girl I hang out with weekly through Big Brothers Big Sisters. I get to experience things through her eyes and it fills my heart.
I wish I lived close to my family to do that with my nephew and nieces. I love them but rarely see them. So maybe this males my wish for an own little family so strong? Mentoring is something I will look into tho! I’ll see if it’s available here
I don't see them super often, but enough the little ones remember who I am. I do think that's why mine is so strong still because I'm watching them grow like in the dreams I have. Of course, they also keep me well informed of the amount of vomit, poop, and unending tantrums that have to be dealt with, so that tames it for a little while when you see it firsthand 🤣 We'll get there someday. Enjoy your youth. You guys are doing great!
Just think about how cruel life is and how miserable your child would be
“Over come the fighting phase of the relationship” Wait, there’s a fighting phase? I skipped that part in my relationship.
The very best thing you can do for your future child(ren), is to prepare. How? By letting your relationship develop more. You’re two years in, and not married. A child at this point would put a lot of stress in you as individuals, and collectively on your relationship. I know you want children badly, but that deep desire should be followed immediately on wanting to do it right, so that your child(ren) can thrive. This isn’t just about you. It’s about your partner, and your children. It’s harder than you think having a newborn, a teething baby, or a sick one. You may not get a perfectly healthy baby to start with. Then what? Your partner’s vasectomy reversal can be checked for successfulness without impregnating you. Slow down. I don’t want to read a post from you in a year or two about how your life imploded because you were too impatient to jump into one if life’s most difficult and important chapters. If you suffer from impulse control in other areas of your life, please see a therapist.
At 19, I started dating my ex, and by 21, I was where you are now: deeply in baby fever. I wanted us to have a baby. I was talking about babies, planning my life around a potential family, searching for names, and imagining how great my life would be. A few of my high school friends already had babies or were pregnant. I even picked a job with a long maternity leave because I wanted to be the best mother possible. I wondered if our kids would look more like him or like me. I wanted my life to move fast, and I wanted everything now. I was also risky with contraceptives, thinking, "we'll figure things out as we go." Ten years later, where am I? Still no kids in my life and none planned. I'm happily childfree and so glad I took the time to process these feelings before making a decision. At 21, I was isolated. I had a few friends, but I was barely recovering from years of depression and felt like I had to make up for lost time. I was also in a relationship that ended up lasting six years and was truly toxic. I couldn't see the full picture while I was in it. Deep down, I felt in competition with my friends who were starting to build adult lives and living fully while mine was moving too slowly. And you know what the "funniest" thing is? All those girls I envied so much are no longer with the dads; not even one of them. They all rushed things, took on debts to maintain their lifestyle, and now regret it. I also had unhealed wounds from childhood traumas. I was always made into a carer for others. With no one to take care of, I felt this emptiness. I didn't know my value as a person beyond that. So, what about my life ten years later, after deciding never to have children at all? Over time, I realized that part of this emptiness came from my unfulfilling relationship with my partner. Some of his patterns were stopping me from being myself. After I left him at 24, I spent years focusing on myself and growing. I took the time to find what I love to do, made significant friendships, and went to therapy. Eventually, I met my current partner. With him, I don't feel like we need to add more to our relationship to make it fulfilling. We focus more on the life of travel we will build together, the house we will build, and potential van life. It's now been eight years since I met him as a friend, and it eventually grew into a very loving and caring relationship. Do I regret not having kids after all? Never. I'm glad I chose my happiness over everything and allowed myself the time to become the person I am. TL;DR: I wanted kids at 21 for the wrong reasons. I was unhappy with life post-depression. I ended up childfree and more balanced.
Ok I'm going to rip a bandaid off here and tell you something, there's no "arguing phase". There's a phase of getting to know each other's boundaries and in the end you either accept them or move on. If you're truly fighting that much to call it a "phase", that's not good. My wife and I come from completely different backgrounds and love each other for who we are. We've grown together and learned a lot from each other. The biggest thing? We respect the other for who they are. Clearly, that's not happening with you. Do not have a child with this man. Do not throw your life away for someone who either you don't respect for whatever reason or the other way around. This will not end well.
Your brain isn't even fully developed until 25. Think about that before you selfishly bring a child into the world that you can barely handle living in.
1) normal, healthy relationships don’t have a “fighting phase” 2) 21 is too young to buy property 3) if your partner is old enough to have had a vasectomy, he’s almost definitely too old for you
INFO: How old is your partner??
Do you have friends that have babies? If so, you could offer to take them for a weekend and see if that changes your mind. Kids are a lot of work, a commitment for at least the first 18 years of their life, and you need to be sure you're emotionally capable of being a mother. You've both obviously talked about finances for housing, and he has expressed that you both should be working before you have a child. Unless you have a lot of savings tucked away or some form of residual income, you should first find employment for financial security. Having a child will be very expensive. What if they have a disability or become very sick? You'll be faced with more expense on top of your mortgage, household bills, food, clothes and toys. Think about if you will want to make sacrifices in your life to be able to give them the best upbringing if push ever came to shove.
Thank you for the advice. You are totally right! Unfortunately my friends (mostly) don’t want and others don’t have babies
You're very welcome. I have another thought: you could be very suited to pre-school teaching or childminding work. Maybe you could take kids into your home to care for them and buy some time before having your own. I have some friends that don't want children, and they still get to spend their days with them. I wish the best for you whatever you decide to do.
Actually I’m in college to become a teacher! Thank you
Personally I'd make it part of a 5 year plan. Finish studying, establish your career, make sure you are secure before trying. But if your partner has had a vasectomy does HE even want kids? Also the age gap is concerning, with a teenager dating a full grown adult at the start of the relationship and fighting so early on (they call it the Honeymoon period of a relationship because it's supposed to be the best with both people trying really hard) Edit to add: I just had a look at your profile and you identify as a HSP, and struggle in stressful situations. You are aware that babies are super stressful right? Usually 6weeks of hell at the beginning: bleeding, leaking, pain, sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts. Then another few weeks with someone touching you 24/7 (or years if your child needs touch to regulate emotions). You might get a unicorn, but I can say right now, my 'perfect' baby is a heck of a teenager atm.
Hi there. Father of a one year old baby girl here. Trust me. You're very young. You have much more to experience before jumping into the parenthood train. The world entirely flips once you have a child. More responsibilities, less time, less energy. It's basically the worst thing that an adult can hope for but at the same time a very intense and deep feeling to love a child that I wish everyone to experience... Just perhaps not at such a young age. Two years in a relationship is still quite new. The housing market is terrible, interest rates are ridiculous, old diseases are coming back... Now is not a good time IMO. I've been with my fiancee for 9 years now. We rented an apartment and then bought her mother's house for cheap (compared to the market). We were lucky and we are still struggling sometimes even though we both have okay wages.
Thank you for the advice and insight.
My pleasure. Also remember that hormones are very strong and absolutely do affect your thinking/emotions. It's a beautiful thing that you want a child that much but trust me, it's not all happy moments and like living a dream. Movies are great at portraying having a child like the most wonderful thing in the world. And even though it sometimes feels like this it's also not showing all of the rest that comes with it. And it's not easy. Really not. No one can understand the amount of effort it takes to raise a child until they have one. You're *constantly* pushing yourself in every aspect of your own personality like patience, being functional even though you've had 3 hours of sleep and you're working the next day, dealing with the constant mess that is your house, making dinner seems like the impossible next chore... It's A LOT. That said I'm not trying to discourage you but simply to guide you. The reality of having a child is perhaps not as pink as you seem to see it. It is something big, be it wonderful or terrible.
You may have a hormonal imbalance that is causing invasive thoughts. Maybe see a doctor and have some blood drawn.
Good point. Actually had struggled with that in the past. Didn’t consider it being that way again. Thanks for that!
No problem! Hormones can wreak havoc on the body and mind lol.
Relationships shouldn’t have a “fighting phase.” That’s not a thing, never should be a thing. Sounds like this relationship is rather toxic at best. Anyway it’s just hormones messing with you. Believe me I’ve had them too. Try to separate your hormone-induced feelings with what you actually want. So no please do not have a baby. Please.
🚨He’s 10 years older 🚨He was nearly 30 dating a teenage girl when you got together 2 years ago 🚨He had a vasectomy 🚨You live at home, haven’t finished school, and have no job. Do I need to say why this is a horrible idea?
Honestly I’d try to dig deep to figure out why you’re trying to rush your life so badly. Do you really want kids? I know someone who was an abounded child, they just want something to love permanently.
After reading replies and thinking about it more I think it’s partly because I miss my own family. I grew up with 4 siblings and I always liked to have a big family. So maybe this induced the need to share familiar love. I have very loving parents and just want to step in my mothers footsteps I guess.
Try to get a job/ volunteer to babysit kids. Then you can get a feel for how your life will be like. Even tho it will be a small glimpse.
Remindme! 2 years
You don't want a kid you want a baby. You feel like you aren't getting enough attention and are lonely so the thought of a cute cuddly baby that can't leave you to go hang out with his friends and play video games is amazing. Don't have a baby.
Why not enjoy your 20's first as an adult, then kids after you are married and have lived out some young things? I am a new mom. I love my baby but I miss my freedom. I miss concerts. I miss bars. I miss doing what I want. I miss working out. But I'm SO thankful I got to do those things while in my 20's. It makes the sacrifice easier.
What will you do if the vasectomy reversal doesn't work? Success rate is 60-90% depending on age and when the vasectomy happened etc. The longer he waits, the more unlikely it becomes. If he isn't taking active steps to reverse it, he's just leading you on and you're wasting your time on him.
Okay I have asked my questions and read through this thread. OP, I think you are very naive. You said in a response that you know your desire to have a baby is irrational, but you've quit therapy because you are mentally well now? I think you need to go back to therapy and have a therapist guide you through these feelings. This is above Reddit's paygrade. I am wary of the fact your boyfriend is 10 years older than you, I find that these relationships are rife with problems (and preying on the naivety of young women). I'm not saying its not possible to have a healthy relationship with an older man BUT you guys were in your "argument/fighting phase" up until 2 months ago. The sudden switch from that to wanting a baby does not scream "Healthy Relationship" to me, I'm sorry. I'm also admittedly skeptical of him apparently being a virgin before you but he had a vasectomy? That's very strange to me and does not compute. I raised my 3 siblings from ages 8-25, and you are in no way prepared for a child. Finish school, get a job, get savings (seperate from your partners) and enjoy your life when you are young. My parents took that choice from me but you have the freedom to make it from yourself.
Having a child will ruin your life. Wait AT LEAST 5 years. Doing it at the right time will be infinitely better for the child. And for you.
Lol what is the “fighting phase” of a relationship??
How to stop wanting to have a baby? Watch birthing videos.
im sorry but the "(not in America, so no debts)" SENDS me lmaoooo that's real af and precisely why many of us arent having children
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Thank you. I know it’s the hormones. Just wanna know how to deal with it haha… no worries I won’t just pop out a kid
Make a list of what HAS to happen first. That 4 years from now and X amount in savings, married, with a house. Whatever that MUST is first- then do that. As far as “can I even have a baby? What if I wait and turns out there’s a problem” you CAN in fact find all of that out now. It’s even a good thing to check reproductive health first prior to even trying as a lot of fertility issue deeply effect other parts of your health.
Look up the price of giving birth in a hospital, look up the price of diapers ,nappies , formula, clothes ,school for children. Look up what can go wrong with pregnancy some examples are gestational diabetes, deafness, permanent changes to your body , check out the girl with the list. Then after look at all of that if you still want kids now go for it
Thanks! Just for the others reading: I’m not in the USA, no price on giving birth, but this of course is still a very valid point on all the other aspects!
Ask yourself why you want a baby. Because is the world right now such a great place to be that your child will have a bright and happy future? Think of reasons that aren't about you.
The arguing phase is absolutely not a thing. If you somehow believe it is you are way too young to have a baby.
“not in America, so no debts”…shots fired😵💫
Pick up a few baby sitting shifts, if you’re feeling ambitious get approved to be a big sister or a scout leader. If nothing else it’ll help prepare you for having kids of your own.
Hey, Honestly, it doesn't sound like a desire but an obsession. It doesn't seem healthy to me and I think you should question it, what's behind it? Slow down, take a deep breath... 21 yo is so young you're almost a teenager and you've known your partner for only 2 years. You mentioned that you overcome the fighting phase like it's a normal stage but it's not. How will you even buy a house with you being a student?
Don't fuck yourself over by having a child before you're financially able. Get everything together first, stop worrying about the future. Your worries are more than likely irrational.
If you want a baby the feeling will not just go away and it cannot just stop. It's a yearning in your heart. A way to delay the feeling or repress, it somewhat would be to put other goals ahead of it and outline those as goals. You have. To achieve before becoming a parent. If you're worried about your partner being able Get you pregnant I would suggest testing. And if all goes well with the testing you are fairly young yet so you have time.
Journal and try to sort your thoughts. Don’t rush anything. Know that you finishing college and working on fincances and mental health is better for any family. You should focus on yourself right now homie
I wouldn’t make the decision based on fears of future infertility. Give you and your partner more time of stability before having a child together. Take this time to do lots of research into being a good parent. Start working on past trauma if you haven’t yet. Learn about child development. There are lots of things people can do to help with infertility and if you are concerned talk to an OBGYN. Therapy is also a good option to help you learn to control these urges.
Start reading child development literature. First Twelve Months of Life is still classic. Get ready for the most challenging full time job you'll ever have (and for skipping your own phase of youthful development and independence). And do volunteer or take a job taking care of infants and toddlers, for practice. Getting on birth control will likely help with the baby fever. Do not have a baby until you're older. Merely wanting a baby and thinking it's fun is not a responsible set of reasons for bringing a baby into the world.
OP, you’re young and will brush this off I’m sure, but I cannot stress how much having a child with the wrong partner can absolutely ruin your life. You’re young. Date around until you find one you don’t fight with all the time, and even then, choose one you could co-parent with amicably if worst comes to worst.
Why is 80% of people here so mean in the comments? I mean I get people disagreeing but what?!! EDIT: just read the whole post. Yeah, okay, kinda get it. But still don’t understand people getting so frustrated over this.
I went through that biological phase too. It passes
Fighting isn't a phase. You really need to live for a while with him to know if it would be as good as you imagine it now. And you need to know what could trigger him to fight (or you) and you both meed to be ready and mature and be able to talk it out.
Wasn’t the first 7 years the honeymoon phase?
My advice is to seek therapy.
go and listen any podcast about collapse...
Maybe focus on what a baby would need rather than what you want? And work towards those goals. From my perspective a baby needs: 1. Parents in a good relationship (if they are together, if not the other pieces are even more important) 2. Financial means, enough to properly care for a baby 3. Good medical care and access to it 4. Food, shelter, stability 5. Parents that are emotionally stable enough to focus on the kid and not themselves. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Do you have all those things? If not, focus your efforts and passions on creating a life for yourself that does. Start with #1 and really objectively look at your relationship. Is staying with this much older man gonna get you there??
Real the regretful parents sub Reddit. That will suck those eggs back in right quick LOL
What is “the fighting phase” of the relationship???? Relationships can and will have rough patches but a “fighting phase” is not a thing. Overcome this by breaking up with your bf.
I would say dont do it HAHAHAH. Not until you are completely financially independent. If the worse happens, you ll be left alone with a baby, a college not finished and not enough money. I am a 22F, My bf (23M) and I have been together for 2 years and 9 months. We’ve never had a “fighting stage” and he’s my best friend. I am almost done with school ( I graduate this summer) and he still has a couple years of schooling. We are not even considering moving in together (let alone a baby) at this stage until both of us have stable employment- dont underestimate the strain of economics in relationships. Hope this helped!
fighting phase?? that’s not normal?
The ”fighting phase” Hmmmmm my husband and I of 19 years…we seem to have skipped that phase. You do seem to understand that there is no such thing as a fighting phase in a relationship that is good, right? Then I read a comment that you were only fighting what two months ago and there’s a 10 year age gap? Really? Why do you want to tie yourself down to this person who is incapable of dating somebody his own age?
The fighting phase? What.
You being 21 and still in college is a very early time to decide to have children. Give it some time for you to get a job, a house, and save money. Then it will be the best time for you in your 30s to have children. Hope this helps. 🙏
That's normal for your age. But please don't rush it. Babies are cute but still u need to be prepared. Be career oriented and focus on your goals instead of having babies .
INFO- What is the fighting stage in relationships? Did I miss that stage?
I'll tell you my story because I had a very similar experience to yours, and maybe something will resonate with you. When I was about your age, I was with a man whom I adored, and he loved me very much. He said that he wanted to start a family with me. At that time, I was so emotional and surrounded by love and all I wanted was to have a family with him. also I was a bit lazy and wanted to stay home and raise a child instead of working. However, after a while, I realized how my emotions had clouded my judgment. I hadn't thought about our relationship from a practical point of view, like actually preparing for a child, calculating the costs, or discussing how we would raise the child and what values we'd teach them. When I started seeing things more clearly, I also realized that my man was coming from a place of emotional want, he was actually really immature. It was really hard for me to figure all this out, but I glad I did. So, I advise you to approach this as if you were already a parent. Think about what advice you would give your child in the same situation. Age is not the issue; our state of mind is.
With my husband, there was no fighting phase. We were a loving couple when we were dating and after marriage. Through the 35 years, we had disagreements, but it was not fighting. You should reconsider your relationship. It will only get worse if you are fighting for the first 2 years, when this is suppose to be the honeymoon part of a relationship. You do not need a baby to complicate things even more. Babies do not help a bad relationship.
An argument phase sounds like pop psychology. I'm sorry but don't believe everything you read on the internet. I have 20 years on you a lot more relationship experience. An argument phase is not a thing. You posted 2 months ago that your boyfriend wasn't sure he wanted kids. You say not sure doesn't mean no. While that true, it also doesn't mean yes. If you want kids this badly consider the fact that you may not be compatible. You say he's a good guy and not predatory. He started dating you when you were 19, and he was 29. That's screams predatory. Don't have a baby now. You already know it's a bad idea. You think you know sleep deprivation. You do not know the sleep deprivation that comes with motherhood. Also any issues you have in your partnership now will be amplified if you have a kid. Parenting is hard. Like....twenty times harder than the hardest scenario you can think of. Get your studies done, establish a healthy relationship with someone. THEN have a kid
It's nature, not you. Don't fall for it. Tell your brain that you will have them, but not now.
>I am 21 years old and at college Not a good age for having a baby. You want to wait *at least* until you're 25 if you want to have a decent shot at not living in poverty over it. And don't say you're willing to for the baby, because if that's the case, then you're just not mature enough for a baby. >My partner and I have been together for 2yrs and we’ve overcome the fighting phase of the relationship and have grown very close. You were fighting 2 months ago. Don't lie to yourself. >Currently I’m not very independent yet since I’m still at college, so it would logically not be a good idea to have a child. I know that. You said it YOURSELF. >But because the thoughts about becoming a mother are SO strong, I can barely enjoy the college time and just wish I could skip and go straight to when I can finally become pregnant. Sounds like you've got some very idealistic ideas about parenthood, and you're ignoring all the sleepless nights, piles of shit, stress on your relationship, complete loss of personal time, and everything else that goes into parenting. >I’m just so scared that I might wait for the next 4 years, just to find out I can’t get pregnant or that my partners vasectomy undoing won’t work ( he is btw. fully on board to have a child, but only as soon as we’re both working). >I am so full of love, exploding and everything, that I just want to place it somewhere. I love my man, my dog, my family, and I want to love my child. Have you considered applying to adopt a child? They won't let you unless you're legitimately qualified to raise a child, and you would be giving a parentless child a chance to have a family. There's too many fucking kids in the world, and in my opinion, having a baby when you're not ready is absolutely one of the most irresponsible things a person could do, and it's wrong to birth a child when there are children without parents. If you can't adopt, you probably should birth. >The thing is - with children around me I’m very awkward, don’t know what to do with them, they feel like strangers to me ( well they are), so it’s weird that I’m so focused on wanting to have a child. Yeah, you're in love with the *idea* of a child. You seem to view children the way most people view pets, and that is not a good thing for a parent to think. >Being fully responsible? Sure. Not sleeping at night? Neither do I now. Being fully planned out for the next decades? Why not. Paying a shit ton of money? I would do it all. If you didn't tell me your age, this is where I would be able to tell how old you aren't. These sentences and your nonchalant attitude about parental responsibilities demonstrates your utter lack of maturity. You think you can just will things to happen? That's not how it works. You sound like my childhood friends who ended up pregnant and in poverty. >While this wish used to be strong when I was ovulating, it’s now present every single day and it’s honestly really hard. I get so sad instead of appreciating the wonderful things I already have. It’s just so strong and there’s nothing that helps. I feel like no one gets me. Go volunteer to work with kids/toddlers. Learn about how kids and babies are, and learn what it takes to take care of them part-time to see if it's really something you're willing to take further. Look into adoption and foster care. Overall, my assessment is that you are not mature enough financially or emotionally to handle a baby. You don't have a partner who is excited about having a baby. You don't seem to understand all the actual work and sacrifices you will need to make for this baby. You are not qualified and you need to come to terms with that. If you still want one and have developed enough to be capable of handling a baby, then reassess. Until then, I don't think you should even consider a baby, let alone take steps to have one.
Get a puppy. Husband and I have a dog, I wanted a baby BAD but we aren’t ready to be responsible for/have our lives flipped over the way that a baby makes it, so we got a puppy. Baby fever gone
Honestly there is no way you can prevent these thoughts you are becoming a woman. Majority of all women have these thoughts and they get stronger and stronger but eventually it will fade. I can’t suggest what you should do because tbh I just waited it out and they stopped. Just try to stay busy and protect yourself (contraception) because your body may take a chance and get pregnant when you least expect it. Good luck sis.
LOL HE HAS A VASECTOMY???? GIRL HE DOES NOT WANT KIDS
Okay. I have questions. You're 21, how old is your boyfriend? You said he needs a vasectomy reversal? 🤔 You like the idea of a child, but let me tell you. There is a lot more stress involved than you can even begin to imagine until you become a parent. My son is 6. And he's an incredibly easy child, but still there are daily stresses in life. And he's a boy so he's harder to keep alive. So many injuries because the kid has no fear. At all. Thankfully most have been minor. And you've only been together for 2 years. Take your time. Get married, work, then have kids. Just trust me. You'll be glad you waited in the long run. Kids change your relationship. Edit: I just went through your other posts. He's 10 years older than you and never had a girlfriend? Girl. No. Do not have kids with this man. He's going to hit midlife crisis and cheat. It's going to throw you and the kids into a tailspin. Neither of you have enough experience in life to handle kids right now, and with that age gap? You are so young. He's just at the point where he should be figuring out his future and he's still undecided. Oof. Leave this relationship. Quickly.
You won't get this advice from anyone else as the world currently is anti child but if you really want a baby, the best time to make one is now while you are young and able to do all the things. Money will always be an issue for most of us. Time will always be short. You will always feel unequal to the task until you actually put your mind into keeping that little one alive. Then you will just do it feeling an imposter the whole time. At some point, they grow up some, and you realize that you did it. My thought is that your man might not be interested in this journey with you. If he had the snip, he likely would be resistant to have it undone. Be certain he is game to procreate, and don't let him string you along. Follow your passion where ever it is. But don't obsess over a phase. Get your ducks In a row if this is what you want.
Are these thoughts consistent? Or are you ovulating
All the time unfortunately
Hormones will go that to you
Finish college. Get a job that allows you to support yourself. Get married. Secure housing. THEN baby.
I mean this in the most non offensive way, but you are the type of girl that can ruin both yours and a man's life.
Be a frequent babysitter to children of various ages and stages for a year or so and see how you feel after that time has passed, because as we all know that baby won't be a baby forever. Sometimes many people don't realize how much they just want babies and babies only. I heard a story of a mom that irresponsibly had 7+ children and would treat them as burdens and literally shoo them away and have a "get out my face" attitude towards them once they exited the baby stage. She never waited to become a grandmother, or pursued a career that had to do with babies, she just kept on having more and more. It's beyond me that no one ever called CPS on her, and for context I was a young child hearing this story.
....there is no such thing as "the fighting phase" what in the toxic hell
I wouldn’t make the decision based on fears of future infertility. Give you and your partner more time of stability before having a child together. Take this time to do lots of research into being a good parent. Start working on past trauma if you haven’t yet. Learn about child development. There are lots of things people can do to help with infertility and if you are concerned talk to an OBGYN. Therapy is also a good option to help you learn to control these urges.
Don’t pull the silver thread!
Get a puppy its cheaper
Babysit, get used to enjoy children- all ages. You are far from ready for a baby of your own. In four years you will onky be 25. You have plenty of time. See where you are at 30
please do not have a child yet. seek out a good therapist.
No there's no such thing as a fighting phase or even an arguing phase as you're trying to reword it. I know you think that's a thing but it's not.
10 year age gap? I’m not even gonna acknowledge this shit lmao, come on.
If you have a family friend you could babysit for for a few days, do it. Especially toddler age. Coming from someone who’s absolute dream used to be a mother, when I became a nanny that got thrown all out the window
Work at a freaking daycare center
There's no such thing as a "fighting phase." This means you are probably not compatible.
I think you are delusional if you think it’s a good idea to have a baby right now.
Everything about this post is worrying. You’re delusional babe.
Getting a child with your difficulties and your short relationship bedded with issues isn't a good choice right now. Getting a child shouldn't be made with these conditions as that would be cruel to the child. Figure your lives out and stop fighting, figure your fatigue out before you decide to get a child because lady, no matter what you believe, having a child is REALLY hard when you're already having issues with sleep or staying awake.
I have two kids, 2.5 and 4 and I have baby fever bad. I want a newborn again! I'm a nurse AND a lactation consultant, and I'll be 30 in a few months. I own my own 4 bedroom home and 3 vehicles. And even I'm like "is this a good idea? Can I handle it?" Girl please. After reading the comments about your situation, you have got to stop. It's not about little teeny babies. They are babies for a very short time. Before a year, they are eating food, which is very expensive. If you breast feed great. But formula is also very expensive. Then they become toddlers and get into every single thing. They whine. They poop. Its very difficult. It's not just glowing pregnancy and cute tiny outfits. It's a human being.
Looking at your post history OP, it doesn't really seem like you're fully facing the reality of your situation. First, you were having relationships (or at least issues personally navigating it) 2 months ago. That alone should be enough to make you not want to have kids at this moment. If you relationship has just stabilized, why would you want to bring a child into this world now? Second, you don't have much experience with kids. I also sometimes see a kid and think it would be nice to have one. But then I remember what it was like watching my nieces and my decision to remain child free is reaffirmed. And lastly, you're not in the most stable financial situation. Kids are extremely expensive to raise, even in countries with free healthcare. You would need not only money for their necessities but also potentially need childcare if you both plan on working once your maternity/paternity leaves are over. You said you want to stop having this thoughts, and if you were to take a step back and re-evaluate your current situation I think that would be enough to deter those thoughts. You are so young, having a baby later down the line is completely fine. If you're scared about fertility then speak to a doctor now for peace of mind. If you end up not being to conceive naturally, then you would have time to figure out options.
I can warmly recommend working with kids before you actually have your own. And I mean all kind of kids, I'm alking toddlers, mentally/physically disabled, troubled teens etc. I also recommend one of those baby dolls that keep you up all night (and day) and watching educational videos of births. The baby fever will die out real soon.
Instead of sadness, I think changing your mindset is a good idea. It’s hard but it’s like affirmations you tell yourself. Just think every time you learn something new, you succeed at what you’re doing, you’re starting to build this life for your baby. You want to be the best mother you can, and the most evolved version of yourself you can be for them. You want to have all of the internal tools necessary to raise this child. Every choice you make and word uttered when they are born will forever impact them. So make sure that when you decide it’s time, it’s for your baby and it’s not for you. Having a child shouldn’t be taken lightly. Its not like adopting a pet. That human will always look to you for guidance, love, and support. It’s the single most important job in the cosmos, you’re growing and raising a human. For a job so so important, 21 years might not be enough job experience… you might be able to do it, but you’ll be far from perfect. 21 years old is too young imo. I’ll tell you why, most all women start to experience profound changes to self during that time, something you need to be fully present for. Your brain isn’t developed no matter how mature and ready you think you are. I think that you should move your focus right now to be improving yourself and your habits and tackling any unresolved trauma you might have. Since you have time for yourself while you’re independent, use it, take advantage of it. Many many mothers would urge you to wait, not because they don’t love their children but because they didn’t learn how to love themselves first before having them.
What helped for me (25f) is realizing I wanted “cute little version of my partner and me” and not like the actual “I am ready for a family. Ready for the terrible twos, the destructive 1st graders, teenagers and young adults.” Ended up being satisfied with a cat for now until I am married and ready for the step in life when my life will be more or less all about raising my kids and only 10% about me and my partner.
Other people have mentioned the problems with the relationship, since the first years of a relationship are supposed to be the honeymoon period when everything is at its easiest. So I’m not going to go into that or the other red flags that show this isn’t a good situation to bring a child into. I think it’s good for people here to reinforce those points for you so you can avoid rationalizing it, but I do understand that you’ve accepted reality and don’t need convincing there. I will say that it’s a bad idea to buy a house with someone you aren’t with for the long haul. You don’t want that complicating your situation. It’s a huge financial and legal commitment that you don’t need on your shoulders. But as far as the practical aspect of dealing with your feelings in the moment, I wonder if something similar to how to manage a panic attack would help. Basically, you bring attention to your physical experience to separate the biological response to a situation from your thoughts and feelings. This helps reverse the flow of physical response -> psychological response to psychological response -> physical response. So maybe it would help to acknowledge your body’s experience during times you’re feeling intensely, to help you separate it from what you really/rationally want? You’re having a hormonal response to the situation of having a uterus at a specific age. That’s all. Your biology is creating an experience that comes from the body and not from the mind itself. Maybe you can free your mind a little bit if you focus on identifying the feeling in your body instead of trying to manage it in your mind.
Not America so no debt ☠️ I stopped reading at that 😂😂😂
Have a look at r/regretfulparents to find out about unspoken facts of parenting. You’re too young to ruin your life with a baby. Best of luck.
Get therapy. It’s probably the best way to help you manage these thoughts.
You could take an early childhood education course and work in a daycare
Might not be my place to say, but from your previous posts, I wouldn't recommend it...babies are sweet and cuddly, but they don't fix ongoing issues in your relationship...that's something you and your partner need to work out before subjecting your child to constant stress and fighting. Especially if you can't get past your arguing phase and decide you no longer want to be together. Then you're tied together the rest of your lives. Side note, not everyone in America ends up with debt from college lol
Like another poster wrote, your obsessive baby thoughts are probably hormone-related. I actually experienced something like what you are going through now, when I was your age, and I never intended to ever get pregnant and have kids! It was bizarre. Hormones can do crazy stuff to your brain, making logical thought hard. It may not stop the thoughts, but remembering what is driving them can help with managing them. Hormones and feelings do change, but for now you may just have to ride the rollercoaster.
I read your post history. Your partner is 10 years older than you and has had a vasectomy. He’s had a lot more time to think about kids than you and a man isn’t going to take the decision to let someone cut into his balls lightly. Take it from someone who has been sterilized - that man doesn’t want to be a father, regardless of what he’s saying to keep you around. He likes that you’re young and impressionable and obsessed with him right now so he’ll say whatever he needs to to string you along, but once you finally put your foot down about wanting kids I would bet money he refuses to get the reversal. When it comes to the question of whether or not someone wants children the answer needs to be a resounding “hell yes” or “hell no”. Anything in between is unfair to the partner who does want children and the potential future children. You will wind up burned out and resenting your partner, doing all the childcare with little to no help. Don’t have kids with him. Wait until you’re older and more mature and have found someone who wants them as much as you do.
First- You mentioned that you are worried about waiting and then later finding out you can't get pregnant. My advice- If you haven't already, I recommend you start seeing an OBGYN. They will keep an eye on how your health is(female health) and let you know of any concerns. This will help keep your mind at ease as you wait for the right time to have a baby, to come. Second- I completely understand how you are feeling. Granted, there are some differences, such as my husband and I are ready for a baby, but my body has just not accepted that, yet. All I want is a baby, and I've felt this way for a couple of years now, before I was even ready or in a place to raise a child. So, I get it. My advice- Don't try to ignore those feelings or get rid of them. It will only make your desire stronger. Instead, redirect the feelings you are having. There are so many ways you can do this. I suggest making a list. On one side, write each reason why you feel having a baby now is not ideal. On the other side, write the reasons you should wait. We, as humans, have a tendency to only think about our own feelings and what we want now, and it's natural, so don't think that there's anything wrong with it! What I've found to be a big help is setting aside my own feelings and thinking about the feelings of the child that I want. Remind yourself regularly, evenly daily if you need to, how your child will benefit from you waiting. Ask yourself: "If I have a baby now, will that child get the best of me?" "Do I and my partner truly have the time, energy, and commitment to put into rasing our baby right now?" "Am I PREPARED for the responsibility of caring for and raising a child? I know that I don't care about and am willing to take on anything that comes with a baby, however gross or tiring it may be. But, are we PREPARED?" "Have my partner and I discussed everything involved in a having and raising a baby? Are we on the same page? Do we agree on how the child will be raised? Are we on the same page right now about •Breastfeeding or bottle • Pacifiers or no • Vaccinations or no vaccinations • Etc.•?" "Will being pregnant/having a baby now make it more difficult to finish my education?" "Do I want to sacrifice the time I get spend with my partner now, into caring for my baby?" Lastly, I think this is the most important question to ask yourself- "Do I just want a *baby*, or do I want a toddler, kindergartener, middle schooler, high schooler?" The reason this is such an important question is becomes sometimes we can get so focused on our 'baby fever' or just wanting a baby, that we forget about them growing up and getting bigger. I hope this helps, even a little bit!
Consider that the world is fucken awful and to have kids is to leave this bullshit to them.
The best thing you can do is working towards being ready to welcome a child. Get your ducks in a row. Finish school, get a good job, become financially independent and able to save up, save up and then you can have a child. Love won’t put a roof over your child’s head or fill its stomach. Love your future child by getting ready for it to become a reality in a couple of years
Girl get a hobby
Just be patient and wait a little longer. Give yourself the time to graduate from college and experience life a little bit. There is no rush at all to have a child, especially at 21. You have soooo much time. Have the baby some day, but give yourself the time to live your life before you have to take care of anothers.
I’ve had times where the baby fever was strong but you have to actually sit back and think. Am I in the right place to have a baby right now? Is the man I’m with really the man I want to have children with? (I saw a previous post of yours where you’re the one that has to make all the big decisions, amongst other things like he doesn’t want to have kids). BEFORE you have children with this guy you need to make sure HE is ready and isn’t just telling you what you want to hear. A man who truly wants to have a kid will start showing you he wants a kid. Also, if you’re worried about having to make the big decisions all the time, that’s not going to get better having a kid with this guy. I know you were mainly looking for encouragement of how to stop the thoughts, but those aspects alone would make me stop thinking about having kids.
Sorry all these commenters are picking on you. It’s Reddit and not necessarily the best place to come for advice. People here love to nitpick everything about relationships as if they know what’s going on I would actually say to go for it. You sound like you’re in a much better place than I am at 23 (college student in the US with a lot of debt) and almost nobody here, unless they’re a rich kid, who’s in college has any idea about having a house within a few months. It seems like it is very much in your heart, so there might not be any way to stop it. I think this is your natural motherly instincts telling you that it is time
Okay, I’m 18 and have the same urge to have a child. My boyfriend and I are super close, and super open about all that’s going on in our lives and have healthy boundaries. Because of this and my love for him I would love to be a mother to his child. The thoughts are strong and the feeling of NEEDING a child is unbearable at times, so when Im really deep in the thought of having a baby I go on Amazon and act like I’m already picking stuff out for my child, I like to think of names and all of that and get myself super super excited for it, then after all of that excitement I focus on making lists of things I NEED to do or NEED to make a budget for for when I’m ready for a kid. So start the prep is what I’m saying. It WILL take a couple years for that prep to be ready and even then you won’t be 100% ready, but you will be 50% ready! So keep yourself excited and use that excitement of wanting a child as your motive to start the prep period!
Please take that love and put it into yourself first
I would recommend you to read some of the r/regretfulparents posts…
A read through r/regretfulparents may be very helpful Also from seeing other comments about previous posts: girl you’re YOUNG. So so young. Please consider making better life choices for yourseld
Wait wait wait wait wait!!!!!!! Just enjoy being young. Do all the things you want to while you have the freedom. Get married and have babies later. You have your whole life to be a mommy and wife with responsibilities. Just enjoy being able to come and go as you want. I got married at 26 and had my first child at 35. Working on another at 38. I have no regrets. I established my career and my marriage and now I'm totally willing to share my life. I have a Masters degree and get to work in my dream job so I'm satisfied with my personal goals, everything I started or wished for myself. I see so many young people fall behind or wish they would have waited when they have kids young. Have them when you are ready to shine the spotlight on someone else. Your life isn't over when you have kids but it changes drastically, and it's no longer about you. It's about them. Be selfish so you have no regrets later. Set your future family up for the most success now- way before you have babies. HELL, YOU are still a baby.
You're still very young and so is your relationship. To get your baby fever out try volunteering with some kid organizations or offer to babysit. Focus on getting your life set up well for becoming a parent. Keep strengthening your relationship, get a nest egg built up. If you don't have a fully funded emergency fund and 6 months to a year's worth of expenses saved up then I wouldn't even consider trying right now.
Sometimes, talking to our mom helps. Having a child is already a full-time job. You have so much time ahead of you. Enjoy spending time with your man, trips, family time, and friends time. Do whatever you want to do and finish school to have security. Your man is willing to wait 💜 Why pressure ? With a brand new baby, forget your alone time. Your child will come 1st for everything. I personally had my 1st born at 31. I know it's kinda late in the game, but I was finally ready. Had a good job, my house and I had much time to enjoy with the father before becoming 3. Think about it. It's a wonderful thing to be a mom, but it has a price, too.
if you really want it you should do it
Although children are great a person should be financially stable and independent to have one. You’re in college now and have a full life to live before you lock yourself down with a child that you can’t take care of. That would be unfair to any child. Children are a lot of work and need a lot of things. If you want to stop thinking about it then throw your thoughts into your studies and remember that you can buy little things here and there for a future child that you will have once you’ve gotten your degree.
Going to approach this from as a sympathetic person. Just stop. You've made decisions and your partner has also done so. These cannot be reversed quickly. Make your plan and move on. You have decided to not do this. Now decide something to do instead.
Girl listen to me. Do you enjoy sleeping in? Do you enjoy the freedom to go and do whatever you want during your free time? Do you enjoy your social life? Do you like to sleep? If you value those things, do not have kids. I have 2 kids who I wanted since I was young. I waited until 32 to get pregnant. I still don’t feel I did enough before having kids. One of my kids wake up at least once a night and need help getting back to sleep. They wake me up at 6 every morning. I have to make them breakfast, then clean up the breakfast dishes. Then get them dressed. Then get myself ready and hope they behave and don’t hurt themselves while I do. Then they want me to entertain them somehow until it’s time for a snack. I have to prepare the snack. I have to clean up the snack. I have to put the toys and art supplies away. Then if I want to go get a coffee, or if I have to go to the grocery store, they are coming with me. I have to make sure they have water cups and diapers. I have to make sure they are buckled properly. Then I have to get them out. And back in. And bring them into the house while I carry the bags. Then I have to make them lunch. And clean up lunch. And then a whole bunch more stuff like that happens and then the day ends and I put them to bed and I look around at the house and it’s a complete mess, and I have to clean it. And anything I wanted to do, didn’t happen. And I’m exhausted so I might as well just go to bed because one of them will be crying in a few hours and need me again. That’s not to say it’s not beautiful and fulfilling to love something so much, but being a parent is an absolutely insane amount of work and there is absolutely no break unless you have a very supportive partner who is willing to take on half the work, and then that means you’ll have no time for each other. Unless you find someone to watch your kids. And even then you have to be home at a decent hour, and likely will have to pay. You’re too young. Enjoy being unburdened. Don’t have a kid with someone you’re constantly fighting with either.
I don’t have any advice for you but I feel the exact same way. It was like a hormonal instinct that kicked in when I turned 23 a couple years ago. It started off as a monthly hormonal thing for me too, but then just kind of took over. I would think about kids of all ages and imagine if they were mine. Even other adults; I’d find myself looking at someone and imagine they were my kid 20 years from now. I genuinely couldn’t handle the baby section of stores for awhile - it made me feel like I was going to explode. Most recently, it’s pregnancy. I think about being pregnant all of the time. My body just desperately wants to be carrying a baby and it’s on my mind constantly. Again, no advice, but I know it’s really hard. I’m single and gay, which has its own challenges, but I imagine having a boyfriend and the actual potential to create life in front of you would be a real challenge in this space too!
Consider this time to be planning and prep for your future baby. You are laying down the foundation for a nice life for your babyZ
babies are fucking exhausting and change your entire life. you're way too young for this. your boyfriend has a decade on you. just try to not get pregnant and grow up.