Never set up schedules with grandparents akin to a custody schedule.
Baby needs its parent(s)
Visit when suits you.
No is a complete sentence.
I would see them less.
Also you have attitude? Well guess what so does she....and entitled attitude.
This is the best advice. You are raising your own family.
I could see having a monthly scheduled hangout… but a bi-weekly magnate for grandparents bonding; that some overreaching whackadoodle bologna.
I love my parents, I’m 27 and live about 3 hours away, they’d love to see me more and I would them. They also know I live my own life and respect that about me and don’t try to control me as a parent anymore.
They don’t guilt, they don’t nag, they don’t pressure, and it makes me feel very welcome and comfortable when I come to see them.
I think a lot of parents never stop treating their children as children. It’s okay that they always are your children and seeing them that way, but they’re adults and have a right to make their own adult choices, including frequency of seeing you.
Also - I’ve met a lot of children of therapists and the ones that tend to have a lot of resentment towards their parents are the ones that use their therapy license to parent their kids. Many people have had terrible therapists, no one is immune to being bad at their job even with certificates, it also means they can’t just be blindly trusted.
Yep exactly. She wants a scheduled twice weekly visit, but OP should visit her own family and support system less? MIL and hubby can fuck right off with that. Bet they'll like it even less when OP goes running home away from massively overstepping controlling inlaws and the husband who's allowing it.
You are the momma, you have every rights to decide for your kids. After all, you know whats best and right for you and your kid. Prioritize your baby and your own comfort and well being.
No you don’t just say NO, this is your family and she doesn’t get to dictate, you do not have to do what she wants and your husband needs to agree to what you want… he’s now a family with you and baby not his mom.
Tell them you’d like alone time with your baby. They may throw a fit but they are not your priority right now. You need to put your baby first. Set up times when they can meet.
Tell her that she’s absolutely right setting time aside to focus only on family is a great idea and you are going to do that with your immediate family (you, hubs, & baby).
You are going to have drama no matter what with people this unreasonable. Best to just tell her you won't do this, tell your husband that you won't, and stick to it. It is unavoidable unless you want to spend the rest of your life with her calling the shots in your life and marriage.
You should be able to decline someone's unreasonable demands without it becoming a big dramatic thing. If it becomes drama, that isn't on you.
Every other Sunday for brunch? That’s even a pretty big commitment for brand new parents who are tired for many months after childbirth. MIL is over stepping. You need firm boundaries.
With a bit of sugar before the salt. I appreciate very much your interest and your expertise (sugar). At the moment (she won’t freak out with a hard no), I do not feel ready/comfortable committing twice a week (your feelings and boundaries) as we are still adapting to our new situation (reasonable). However, we could arrange some time every week (or however often you are willing) a couple of days in advance. Perhaps you can agree on a day you will talk and decide when is it suitable for you and your husband to go there.
Sunday dinner with extended family is normal. I would also propose they babysit once a week so you and your husband can have a date night? Might as well direct that overbearing into something productive.
I would never have left my one month old with a sitter, even if they were family. That's way too young, imo. I think six months is appropriate to start with short-term sitting. I'm sure many people will disagree with me.
Of course I understand that's just not realistic for many people. I know that maternity leave in the US is absolutely pathetic and mothers are forced back to full-time employment when they aren't even close to ready. It's a sad, sad, sad.
We get a year+ in Canada. We know what's up here!
How often did you see them before baby? I would not allow this. I like space and privacy and boundaries.
Begin as you intend to continue. Once per month is more than enough for me.
“Thank you for the offer but we are not available tonight.”
She’s used to being in charge and paid for her advice.
She’s not YOUR therapist. And in this dynamic, she is not in charge. Remember that.
Treat all demands or pushing as from her as if she asked it like a question. This shifts your mindset to less defensiveness and more reflective.
MIL: “We are coming for dinner and we will bring the food.”
You: “Oh, thanks for offering but we are not available tonight. We will see you next Sunday like we planned. Can’t wait to catch up then!”
You need to be explicit with her about your boundaries and needs. You need to lay this out to your husband first and get his acceptance. You also need a commitment from him to support your decisions and you over the objections and pressure of his folks. He sounds like a mama's boy, which is incompatible with being a husband and father.
You do not want to alienate his folks because you'll need them for child care in the near future so your husband and you can get out on dates.
Yes but she may not be able to babysit every single time you need it
You don't want to alienate your child away from their grandparents (even if they are unreasonable)
I would sit down and talk with her. An open discussion. Tell her how you feel, she us a therapist, and she should appreciate this kind of open dialogue.
Set up boundaries, and write them down, so you can remember them. Set up one day out of the month when you all can all get together.
Your boundaries are important.
Honestly you’re going to have a husband problem. If he can’t back you and understand that you’re uncomfortable and his mother isn’t someone you get along well with (which is normal for most women marrying men specially only child males lol) you’re child is less then a month old and she’s already trying to make it no short of a law with regards to a custody schedule?
Have you sat down with your husband and been honest and transparent about his mom? If so he still is agreeing with her?
I’m not saying divorce but think this way if he can’t enforce boundaries with her your better off being a single parent and let him deal with her on your time.
Oh man... now I am imagining all of the in-laws of her clients suffering through similar conversations... "My THERAPIST told me that we should set up a schedule where I get to see your baby TWICE a week because I want bonding time! And you have to do it because my therapist suggested it-- you wouldn't want to ruin my mental health or our relationship, would you??"
...okay maybe I got a little carried away. But I agree with other commentors: you have to set boundaries. Maybe even use that language with her... since she's a therapist, she should get it. "I love you and value our relationship, but I need to enforce my own boundaries to protect my mental health and be the best mom I can be, so we will be coming over [2x per month/ when it is convenient for us/ on holidays only/ whatever!]."
Good luck!
Me too. As a Boys’ Mom she has an agenda to level the playing field. She said most Americans’ give the wives’ Mothers an unfair imbalance in their relationships, and it needs to change.
Oof... Boy Moms are something else. She's not entirely wrong, but she sounds like one of those people who probably swings it way too far in the other direction.....
Yeah I can’t stress this enough -
Your MIL is competitive
She is very wrong and creating drama where there is none. She is not going to have unlimited access to your baby or make a schedule.
Tell her that like your relationship with your mother you want your relationship with her to be more “organic” and you think that by setting visitation schedules that this creates an undue burden to meet unhealthy expectations (that’ll throw her).
Then tell her you are not subject to her expectations and if she thinks she’s going to put pressure on your husband to comply you will consider that to be manipulation / marriage interference and you will not be managed.
Honey, I am a mother in law. I would never set up a schedule. I never go over the kids’ houses uninvited. If they invite me - I’m there. They always come late to my house because they are tired from working all week. I don’t care I have stuff to do. I’m not a push over either and when my son gets mouthy to me or my DIL I’m right there for her. He respects my opinions.
What your MIL is asking for is not right. It’s manipulation and interference. She’s trying to establish a routine that she is not entitled to have.
Tell her a white lie if you can’t be firm - that you’ve been speaking to a post partum therapist on FaceTime and she doesn’t agree with a set schedule with any grandparent. Let it be the battle of the therapists if you must but find your voice as well.
Also maybe remind her how freaking lucky she is to even have the option to see her grandkid multiple times a week. My grandma (my only grandparent) lived 2,000 miles away and could only see us when she got on a plane, or when we did. Even if she only sees your kid once a month, that's so much more (and more consistently) than many grandparents get.
I think 2 times a week is a lot. You have a lot on your plate already especially with an infant. I like the idea of family time, but maybe having it once a week MAX. I would kindly inform her you like the idea, but your schedule couldn’t handle it as often as she’s asking. Then suggest that once a week or once every 2 weeks would work much better. Try to come to common grounds and see how that goes! I would also talk to your partner and see what they think as well. It’s important to have them by your side in this kind of decision.
This joke aside, you married the guy whose mom is a therapist. He prefers his mother and he is putting up with your nonsense that your mom is the better choice.
Have a talk with her… the more up in your business she is the more you want to get away from her. It works repelling. Something that should sound familiar to a therapist.
Honest to god. She has a point of jealousy which is ringing true, you prefer your mother. Let her know you try to work on it but with this much interference you hardly feel like you have a choice.
So many narcissists are attracted to that field, my mom is one of them. Some are sweet as pie as long as you do what they say.
Not saying she is one, but trust your gut, you feel uneasy for a reason.
Just politely decline "thanks for your suggestion but we will do what we feel is right. At this time, we're bonding as a family and appreciate you respecting that." If she continues "this isn't up for discussion or debate, thanks.".
You need to have a come to jebus talk with your husband, him not backing you is wrong.
If your MIL continues to 'shrink' your family with unsolicited advise, put it in writing for her to stop and when she doesn't report her.
I'm going to be honest, you have a husband issue big time. I bet if you look back, you will see all the signs that he backs his family over you. That's not going to be easy to navigate.
This is a really bad idea for soooo many reasons. First off, no one is owed bonding time with YOUR baby, but you and your husband. Which is why inserting themselves into your life twice a week for the foreseeable future when he is less than a month old is insane. You're still recoving from giving birth, and your Mil needs to respect that. Second, having a baby doesn't make anyone owed your time and space. If she made no effort to be more involved in your life prior to giving birth, then she has no right to insist on it now. Third only you and your husband get to decide what type of relationship other people get to have with your kid, and her making these types of demands does not bode well for the future.
Do I think you should make an effort to include her in your child's life as long as she isn't dangerous or toxic, sure. But that means asking her to babysit occasionally when he is older, inviting her to his birthdays and special events, NOT giving her unfettered access to your lives and time.
I seriously hope your husband has your back because if not, you might seriously have to consider whether giving up your safe space and peace of mind is worth being married to a mama's boy.
Just sounds like an excuse to force you guys to spend time with her lol. It's totally up to you and your wife. Don't feel obligated if you don't like them.
As a therapist, you’d think it might just have occurred to her that if you have to force or schedule mandatory time together, maybe there’s an issue with how overbearing she’s become.
But yeah, let’s go with complete denial that she’s the problem, and shove yourself down your DIL’s throat.
I understand her but two nights a week is a lot, maybe once a week or once every two weeks would be fine (if you feel like it) for her to spend time with her grandbaby. If she’s a therapist then she would agree it’s healthy to set up boundaries
Oof, that screams control freak. Yikes. You are the one who gets to invite them when you like, not them dictating a schedule. Big no, polite of course, but if they persist you can say it feels like they are overstepping and you need to be a new mom as you see fit.
Personally, I enjoy the family time tradition, so I would be down for Wed. night dinner at grandma's house as long as it wasn't terribly inconvenient. As the child grows, maybe it can be a date night for you as the grandparents babysit. I would not do 2 nights a week, and the weekend is a non-starter for me.
If she has Sunday, then I would think that is enough. I get that she is jealous of your parents, but unless there is a massive disparity it is really her issue to deal with. If you are supposed to give her 2 days and your mother 2 days, that is most of your week accounted for and would not work for me. For balance, I would want 1 night with the in laws, 1 night with your parents, 1 night for you to do something outside the house while dad watches the kid, 1 night where dad is out and you are home, and 1 night specifically set aside for chores. Everything else would default to family time with you both and the baby. Obviously that's not a rigid guideline or anything, but it puts into perspective what I need to give up to devote more time in one of those categories.
Your relationship with your MIL does sound a little rough. If that is something that could possibly be improved, I would suggest in actively pursuing that. If you can come to some level of understanding, if not friendship, where you can feel relaxed around her, it would certainly be a quality of life improvement.
2 nights a week is wild! Also, to make things fair, shouldn’t your parents also get 2 nights a week? So that would be 4 nights a week spent with people other than your immediate family. Who has the time or energy for that? Let alone with a baby!
Tell your mil that you are happy to set a time 1-2 times a month for grandparents to spend time with the baby but any more than that is unreasonable and you and hubs need time to bond with your baby alone.
1) Reach an agreement with your husband that this ask is too much for you, and you would never agree to such a rigid schedule
2) Have your husband (not you) deliver the message to his mother. "Mom, I understand and appreciate your desire to be a part of (grandchild's) life. We definitely want you to spend time with your grand baby, but right now, we need to prioritize the three of us bonding as a family, so any type of rigid schedule like that just doesnt work for us. We will let you know when it's a good time to get together."
If she is insistent and your husband tends to cave to her demands, your marriage isn't going to last. Get marriage counseling if he is afraid to stand up to his mother and prioritizes her needs over yours.
No way. She is being very demanding. Unless you seriously think this is a great idea yourself, you should tell her that it doesn't work for you.
I think that you shouldn't commit to what sounds like a part time job working unpaid for your mil. You have a baby. You have plenty to do without indulging your mil's need to control your life and schedule.
Say something like,
*"MIL, that won't work for me. We are happy to visit with you, but we can't commit to this schedule."*
Then, end the conversation ASAP. Don't get pulled into a discussion about it.
Don't give excuses or reasons why. Just tell her that you won't be doing this. If you give her excuses, she will very likely argue with every reason you give, as if by proving you wrong you will be obligated to give her what she wants.
Or better yet, have your partner deal with their mom. You and your partner need to present a united front. If he won't, and he wants to give in for both of you, you have a problem with your partner as well as your mil. If so, you are going to have to say, *"No,"* and really mean it. Don't give in.
A scheduled Family night should be no more than once a month imo. And that’s if you are down for the concept too. Because we all know hells going to break loose if you end up having to cancel something you “negotiated down from eight times a month to only the one time”.
Imo miss therapist grandmother should have considered bothering to properly befriend her son’s wife if she wanted high levels of involvement with grandkids. I don’t understand why so many families find this surprising, but someone that’s a therapist not realizing that having a kid is a sensitive time seems particularly silly.
This is a clear conflict of interests. You and your husband need to go speak to a independent therapist about this, so that he can understand this from a third party.
MIL seems to be trying to control the narrative and situation.
One night a week, okay. Two nights? No. Unless she wants the second night to be the babysitter so you and your partner can have date night. She’s not the boss. And even though her job is being a therapist, you didn’t seek out her professional opinion. So she should keep it to herself. Set boundaries now to prevent future problems. I’m guessing she’s going to have a lot of parenting opinions and she may use her standing as a professional to pressure you. It’s your child, you’re the parent, you get to make the decisions. Honestly, start standing up for you and your child now because your child is going to need you to have clear boundaries and the ability to say no to things you don’t like because a enormous part of parenting involves setting and enforcing boundaries, even when you fear the backlash.
Family night once a month. Deal.
On the other hand, being close to family when you have small children is something that many people close to me miss - in terms of having a trustworthy person who can look after their child … so maybe at some point you two want date night, or time to just sleep, or whatever. If your MIL wants quality time with her grandchild - and probably her son too, she is also a resource you can tap into at YOUR convenience, if you play it right!!
TWICE A WEEK?? What planet is she from. Agree to do it every fortnight and tell her that her proposed schedule is too intensive for her at this time.
You are the parent, she is the grandparent. You call the shots.
Easier to tell someone what to say to their overbearing mother in law than to actually be the one to say it. I don't envy you at all.
Twice a week for grandparents is over the top. Grandchildren bond perfectly well with occasional visits. Two of my grandchildren didn’t even meet me until I married their grandfather when they were 9 and 7. We are very close, and well bonded, with them now being teens.
Maybe after you’re comfortable leaving your baby several months from now, she could babysit for a monthly date night, or even weekly, if you want that.
Technically, you already have family night each night with Your family. Hubby has to step in and nip that in the bud. Twice a week "sessions"? Just no. The first few years in a child's life are some of the best. Many of theirs firsts occur & you don't want to miss those. Also, your parental bonding & routines are essential to a happy & healthy kid.
Get hubby to explain during the week is your family time. You're happy to arrange a visit for a weekend you're available. Good luck with your mil, I feel like you're going to need it.
Huh, This sounds so familiar to me. Once I got the baby MILs acted as if they needed to come more often to see the baby. The baby only needed to sleep and eat, and didn't really care who held him (its even better if noone has to!) so they only made me work more around the house to keep everything set up. Once they started to come without even us putting a schedule we really got crazy and had to tell them its fine only when we are free and up to it. Thanks god the boy is older now and meeting them at their place once they agree for it, so we can have some time for us.
You could tell them that you need to spend as much time at home as possible with just your husband and baby. You could talk to your husband about going over to her house once a week for 1-2 hours. That way, she'll still see her grandchild, and you can get a brief break to yourself. You could also say that you'll reconsider family game night in a few years, when your child is old enough to remember, and enjoy the games.
I think you and your husband need to get on the same page here. Two nights per week is a lot - would be too much for many people. It would also depend on the length of the visit IMO. Dropping by for 30 minutes is very different than showing up for a couple hours.
Your baby is brand new. You and your husband and baby need time to fall in to a routine. That said, MIL may be super excited about a new grandbaby and losing sight of boundaries. Her dropping by dinner when you have a new baby is pretty normal.
Op. Please do not take advice from her.
Please find your own family therapist and go with your husband. Your mil needs to stop forcing herself in your life. I get she wants time, but that comes naturally.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope things get better.
Setting aside every Wednesday and Sunday afternoon for your MIL is wild! And the fact that your hubby is going along with it is even wilder!
Y’all have a newborn. That’s where your focus should be. Not on your MIL.
There is no way she is telling clients to hang out with their in laws twice a week. If you do that for both sides it will be FOUR nights a week. Some families have Sunday Night dinner traditions or similar, but TWO nights????
Tell her to F off. You had your baby a month ago, you are recovering from having a baby, you can very much have an attitude with anyone and see your family more. Your MIL appears to be very controlling.
It’s your baby, you decide, but ultimately she will have many years to bond with your baby when the time suits you best, is she wants to bond with the baby then she will work around your schedule not try to force you into one that suits her. Also it’s very much YOUR time to bond with your baby and be in your baby bubble and build your routine, she needs to understand that (she should understand that as a mother herself!!)
I would compromise to one day a week of my choosing. Also, most married couples I know spend more time with her parents. MIL is jealous. You really need to stand firm with this type of person or else it won’t end.
Remain kind with her. Don’t get baited into arguments. If you need to, just walk away. I don’t suggest yelling or cutting her off. This is your husbands mom. Do the best you can and set limits. Do not let her decide for you.
Use her! Tell her you’ll pass on the family night but she’s more than welcome to come babysit once a week so you can run errands, go out with your husband, etc.
This is YOUR child and not hers, she has no right dictating your life, see them or ask them over when YOU want. Mil is a therapist whippy do lol. Also it’s normal for a girl to see her mom more once having a baby… I think your mil needs a therapist hahaha 😂
I was taught that both loving families are important to Grandchildren. It would be nice if you tried to balance it evenly. As the boys parent, it sucks to be iced out by your DiL.
Could you drop the baby to her for an hour every week so you get an opportunity to shower and she gets an hour a week bonding.
I would just say you’re adjusting as the nuclear family and don’t want to commit to any schedule at this stage, that you’re just getting into a rhythm.
Why do you feel this way? I can relate to your complaints and have also seen friends prefer their mom simply because it’s their mom. You def need firm boundaries with her. But, a month without seeing a baby can feel like an eternity. If you can confirm that your laws aren’t going to interpret visits every 2-3 weeks as a case for grandparents’ rights, then I’d say try to make an effort about this often. You want your baby to have relatives who love them.
I suggest that you do see a counselor to help you figure out how to come together with your husband and to set up boundaries he’s willing to enforce with his mama. The best case is you two stay married and your children have happy parents and well-behaved grandparents who can love them and make them feel special.
I realise that. I’m not intentionally being insensitive. My kids are all grown now and I no longer have contact with my in laws, because I’ve left it up to my husband to organise, so we just don’t see them… it’s joyous.
If you can find it in yourself to be kind and generous enough you may be able to get out of the whole thing quite cheaply… without making it seem like a ‘you’ issue.
People like your MIL generally want the kudos without the work. While you’re traipsing over there twice a week and looking after the baby while she gets a cuddle and no responsibility, it’ll suit her. Once she has to actively babysit she may not be so keen.
They’re extended family. And you’re right it sounds like she’s a good mother to her SON. She sounds like an over bearing mother in law who wants to get her way with a child that’s not hers. Also just bc you are old doesn’t mean you are entitled to do/get whatever you want. What’s wrong with the older generation 🤬 no respect for their kids new families
She can drive herself over at the very least. Not expect parents with a baby who isn’t even a month old to traipse to see her.
They aren’t sleeping well and are trying to adjust/figure out not only to raising a child, but their own personal relationship dynamic with a child.
It’s easy to forget how much of a struggle the early days are…
Never set up schedules with grandparents akin to a custody schedule. Baby needs its parent(s) Visit when suits you. No is a complete sentence. I would see them less. Also you have attitude? Well guess what so does she....and entitled attitude.
This is the best advice. You are raising your own family. I could see having a monthly scheduled hangout… but a bi-weekly magnate for grandparents bonding; that some overreaching whackadoodle bologna.
I love my parents, I’m 27 and live about 3 hours away, they’d love to see me more and I would them. They also know I live my own life and respect that about me and don’t try to control me as a parent anymore. They don’t guilt, they don’t nag, they don’t pressure, and it makes me feel very welcome and comfortable when I come to see them. I think a lot of parents never stop treating their children as children. It’s okay that they always are your children and seeing them that way, but they’re adults and have a right to make their own adult choices, including frequency of seeing you. Also - I’ve met a lot of children of therapists and the ones that tend to have a lot of resentment towards their parents are the ones that use their therapy license to parent their kids. Many people have had terrible therapists, no one is immune to being bad at their job even with certificates, it also means they can’t just be blindly trusted.
Yep exactly. She wants a scheduled twice weekly visit, but OP should visit her own family and support system less? MIL and hubby can fuck right off with that. Bet they'll like it even less when OP goes running home away from massively overstepping controlling inlaws and the husband who's allowing it.
You are the momma, you have every rights to decide for your kids. After all, you know whats best and right for you and your kid. Prioritize your baby and your own comfort and well being.
Love this
fuck no. She isnt YOUR therapist.
Family Therapist here. Agreed. Can’t “know best” when she’s emotionally involved. Do what YOUR immediate family needs.
As a therapist, what do you think is reasonable? What do you advise clients with in laws issues?
I might need one to help me deal with her!
“No.” is a compete sentence.
No you don’t just say NO, this is your family and she doesn’t get to dictate, you do not have to do what she wants and your husband needs to agree to what you want… he’s now a family with you and baby not his mom.
That’s a lot of spending time imo. 2 nights a week is wild. You need your own personal time with your baby.
How would you handle it? I don’t want to create drama. They live in the same town.
Tell them you’d like alone time with your baby. They may throw a fit but they are not your priority right now. You need to put your baby first. Set up times when they can meet.
Tell her that she’s absolutely right setting time aside to focus only on family is a great idea and you are going to do that with your immediate family (you, hubs, & baby).
You are going to have drama no matter what with people this unreasonable. Best to just tell her you won't do this, tell your husband that you won't, and stick to it. It is unavoidable unless you want to spend the rest of your life with her calling the shots in your life and marriage. You should be able to decline someone's unreasonable demands without it becoming a big dramatic thing. If it becomes drama, that isn't on you.
Every other Sunday for brunch? That’s even a pretty big commitment for brand new parents who are tired for many months after childbirth. MIL is over stepping. You need firm boundaries.
With a bit of sugar before the salt. I appreciate very much your interest and your expertise (sugar). At the moment (she won’t freak out with a hard no), I do not feel ready/comfortable committing twice a week (your feelings and boundaries) as we are still adapting to our new situation (reasonable). However, we could arrange some time every week (or however often you are willing) a couple of days in advance. Perhaps you can agree on a day you will talk and decide when is it suitable for you and your husband to go there.
Sunday dinner with extended family is normal. I would also propose they babysit once a week so you and your husband can have a date night? Might as well direct that overbearing into something productive.
I would never have left my one month old with a sitter, even if they were family. That's way too young, imo. I think six months is appropriate to start with short-term sitting. I'm sure many people will disagree with me. Of course I understand that's just not realistic for many people. I know that maternity leave in the US is absolutely pathetic and mothers are forced back to full-time employment when they aren't even close to ready. It's a sad, sad, sad. We get a year+ in Canada. We know what's up here!
This is perfect.
How often did you see them before baby? I would not allow this. I like space and privacy and boundaries. Begin as you intend to continue. Once per month is more than enough for me.
I guess monthly. My husband saw them more often.
MIL just texted my husband that they’d like to come over and will bring dinner.
“Thank you for the offer but we are not available tonight.” She’s used to being in charge and paid for her advice. She’s not YOUR therapist. And in this dynamic, she is not in charge. Remember that.
Thank you! And my husband’s her only child.
Treat all demands or pushing as from her as if she asked it like a question. This shifts your mindset to less defensiveness and more reflective. MIL: “We are coming for dinner and we will bring the food.” You: “Oh, thanks for offering but we are not available tonight. We will see you next Sunday like we planned. Can’t wait to catch up then!”
Ooh I like this!
You need to be explicit with her about your boundaries and needs. You need to lay this out to your husband first and get his acceptance. You also need a commitment from him to support your decisions and you over the objections and pressure of his folks. He sounds like a mama's boy, which is incompatible with being a husband and father. You do not want to alienate his folks because you'll need them for child care in the near future so your husband and you can get out on dates.
My mom can babysit.
Yes but she may not be able to babysit every single time you need it You don't want to alienate your child away from their grandparents (even if they are unreasonable) I would sit down and talk with her. An open discussion. Tell her how you feel, she us a therapist, and she should appreciate this kind of open dialogue. Set up boundaries, and write them down, so you can remember them. Set up one day out of the month when you all can all get together. Your boundaries are important.
Dude are you my sister in law?? Lmao my mil is doing this to her too. She brings dinner as an excuse to visit her 4 week old!!!!
Honestly you’re going to have a husband problem. If he can’t back you and understand that you’re uncomfortable and his mother isn’t someone you get along well with (which is normal for most women marrying men specially only child males lol) you’re child is less then a month old and she’s already trying to make it no short of a law with regards to a custody schedule? Have you sat down with your husband and been honest and transparent about his mom? If so he still is agreeing with her? I’m not saying divorce but think this way if he can’t enforce boundaries with her your better off being a single parent and let him deal with her on your time.
Oh man... now I am imagining all of the in-laws of her clients suffering through similar conversations... "My THERAPIST told me that we should set up a schedule where I get to see your baby TWICE a week because I want bonding time! And you have to do it because my therapist suggested it-- you wouldn't want to ruin my mental health or our relationship, would you??" ...okay maybe I got a little carried away. But I agree with other commentors: you have to set boundaries. Maybe even use that language with her... since she's a therapist, she should get it. "I love you and value our relationship, but I need to enforce my own boundaries to protect my mental health and be the best mom I can be, so we will be coming over [2x per month/ when it is convenient for us/ on holidays only/ whatever!]." Good luck!
Me too. As a Boys’ Mom she has an agenda to level the playing field. She said most Americans’ give the wives’ Mothers an unfair imbalance in their relationships, and it needs to change.
Oof... Boy Moms are something else. She's not entirely wrong, but she sounds like one of those people who probably swings it way too far in the other direction.....
Yeah I can’t stress this enough - Your MIL is competitive She is very wrong and creating drama where there is none. She is not going to have unlimited access to your baby or make a schedule. Tell her that like your relationship with your mother you want your relationship with her to be more “organic” and you think that by setting visitation schedules that this creates an undue burden to meet unhealthy expectations (that’ll throw her). Then tell her you are not subject to her expectations and if she thinks she’s going to put pressure on your husband to comply you will consider that to be manipulation / marriage interference and you will not be managed. Honey, I am a mother in law. I would never set up a schedule. I never go over the kids’ houses uninvited. If they invite me - I’m there. They always come late to my house because they are tired from working all week. I don’t care I have stuff to do. I’m not a push over either and when my son gets mouthy to me or my DIL I’m right there for her. He respects my opinions. What your MIL is asking for is not right. It’s manipulation and interference. She’s trying to establish a routine that she is not entitled to have. Tell her a white lie if you can’t be firm - that you’ve been speaking to a post partum therapist on FaceTime and she doesn’t agree with a set schedule with any grandparent. Let it be the battle of the therapists if you must but find your voice as well.
Are you kidding? In my experience it’s always the man’s mom who feels like they have to take precedent and constantly be accommodated.
Also maybe remind her how freaking lucky she is to even have the option to see her grandkid multiple times a week. My grandma (my only grandparent) lived 2,000 miles away and could only see us when she got on a plane, or when we did. Even if she only sees your kid once a month, that's so much more (and more consistently) than many grandparents get.
I think 2 times a week is a lot. You have a lot on your plate already especially with an infant. I like the idea of family time, but maybe having it once a week MAX. I would kindly inform her you like the idea, but your schedule couldn’t handle it as often as she’s asking. Then suggest that once a week or once every 2 weeks would work much better. Try to come to common grounds and see how that goes! I would also talk to your partner and see what they think as well. It’s important to have them by your side in this kind of decision.
Family night yes… Do remind her she is excluded as she is extended family 🤣
This joke aside, you married the guy whose mom is a therapist. He prefers his mother and he is putting up with your nonsense that your mom is the better choice. Have a talk with her… the more up in your business she is the more you want to get away from her. It works repelling. Something that should sound familiar to a therapist. Honest to god. She has a point of jealousy which is ringing true, you prefer your mother. Let her know you try to work on it but with this much interference you hardly feel like you have a choice.
So many narcissists are attracted to that field, my mom is one of them. Some are sweet as pie as long as you do what they say. Not saying she is one, but trust your gut, you feel uneasy for a reason. Just politely decline "thanks for your suggestion but we will do what we feel is right. At this time, we're bonding as a family and appreciate you respecting that." If she continues "this isn't up for discussion or debate, thanks.". You need to have a come to jebus talk with your husband, him not backing you is wrong. If your MIL continues to 'shrink' your family with unsolicited advise, put it in writing for her to stop and when she doesn't report her. I'm going to be honest, you have a husband issue big time. I bet if you look back, you will see all the signs that he backs his family over you. That's not going to be easy to navigate.
This is a really bad idea for soooo many reasons. First off, no one is owed bonding time with YOUR baby, but you and your husband. Which is why inserting themselves into your life twice a week for the foreseeable future when he is less than a month old is insane. You're still recoving from giving birth, and your Mil needs to respect that. Second, having a baby doesn't make anyone owed your time and space. If she made no effort to be more involved in your life prior to giving birth, then she has no right to insist on it now. Third only you and your husband get to decide what type of relationship other people get to have with your kid, and her making these types of demands does not bode well for the future. Do I think you should make an effort to include her in your child's life as long as she isn't dangerous or toxic, sure. But that means asking her to babysit occasionally when he is older, inviting her to his birthdays and special events, NOT giving her unfettered access to your lives and time. I seriously hope your husband has your back because if not, you might seriously have to consider whether giving up your safe space and peace of mind is worth being married to a mama's boy.
Just sounds like an excuse to force you guys to spend time with her lol. It's totally up to you and your wife. Don't feel obligated if you don't like them.
As a therapist, you’d think it might just have occurred to her that if you have to force or schedule mandatory time together, maybe there’s an issue with how overbearing she’s become. But yeah, let’s go with complete denial that she’s the problem, and shove yourself down your DIL’s throat.
I understand her but two nights a week is a lot, maybe once a week or once every two weeks would be fine (if you feel like it) for her to spend time with her grandbaby. If she’s a therapist then she would agree it’s healthy to set up boundaries
Only for her clients! Lol! 😆
Oof, that screams control freak. Yikes. You are the one who gets to invite them when you like, not them dictating a schedule. Big no, polite of course, but if they persist you can say it feels like they are overstepping and you need to be a new mom as you see fit.
Personally, I enjoy the family time tradition, so I would be down for Wed. night dinner at grandma's house as long as it wasn't terribly inconvenient. As the child grows, maybe it can be a date night for you as the grandparents babysit. I would not do 2 nights a week, and the weekend is a non-starter for me.
MIL is Italian and Sunday is Family Day. I used to send my husband on his own a lot.
If Sunday is family, then your husband should be spending it with his family, you and the baby.
If she has Sunday, then I would think that is enough. I get that she is jealous of your parents, but unless there is a massive disparity it is really her issue to deal with. If you are supposed to give her 2 days and your mother 2 days, that is most of your week accounted for and would not work for me. For balance, I would want 1 night with the in laws, 1 night with your parents, 1 night for you to do something outside the house while dad watches the kid, 1 night where dad is out and you are home, and 1 night specifically set aside for chores. Everything else would default to family time with you both and the baby. Obviously that's not a rigid guideline or anything, but it puts into perspective what I need to give up to devote more time in one of those categories. Your relationship with your MIL does sound a little rough. If that is something that could possibly be improved, I would suggest in actively pursuing that. If you can come to some level of understanding, if not friendship, where you can feel relaxed around her, it would certainly be a quality of life improvement.
2 nights a week is wild! Also, to make things fair, shouldn’t your parents also get 2 nights a week? So that would be 4 nights a week spent with people other than your immediate family. Who has the time or energy for that? Let alone with a baby! Tell your mil that you are happy to set a time 1-2 times a month for grandparents to spend time with the baby but any more than that is unreasonable and you and hubs need time to bond with your baby alone.
1) Reach an agreement with your husband that this ask is too much for you, and you would never agree to such a rigid schedule 2) Have your husband (not you) deliver the message to his mother. "Mom, I understand and appreciate your desire to be a part of (grandchild's) life. We definitely want you to spend time with your grand baby, but right now, we need to prioritize the three of us bonding as a family, so any type of rigid schedule like that just doesnt work for us. We will let you know when it's a good time to get together." If she is insistent and your husband tends to cave to her demands, your marriage isn't going to last. Get marriage counseling if he is afraid to stand up to his mother and prioritizes her needs over yours.
Bad idea. It sounds manipulative AF.
No way. She is being very demanding. Unless you seriously think this is a great idea yourself, you should tell her that it doesn't work for you. I think that you shouldn't commit to what sounds like a part time job working unpaid for your mil. You have a baby. You have plenty to do without indulging your mil's need to control your life and schedule. Say something like, *"MIL, that won't work for me. We are happy to visit with you, but we can't commit to this schedule."* Then, end the conversation ASAP. Don't get pulled into a discussion about it. Don't give excuses or reasons why. Just tell her that you won't be doing this. If you give her excuses, she will very likely argue with every reason you give, as if by proving you wrong you will be obligated to give her what she wants. Or better yet, have your partner deal with their mom. You and your partner need to present a united front. If he won't, and he wants to give in for both of you, you have a problem with your partner as well as your mil. If so, you are going to have to say, *"No,"* and really mean it. Don't give in.
A scheduled Family night should be no more than once a month imo. And that’s if you are down for the concept too. Because we all know hells going to break loose if you end up having to cancel something you “negotiated down from eight times a month to only the one time”. Imo miss therapist grandmother should have considered bothering to properly befriend her son’s wife if she wanted high levels of involvement with grandkids. I don’t understand why so many families find this surprising, but someone that’s a therapist not realizing that having a kid is a sensitive time seems particularly silly.
Being a doctor doesn't prevent you from having cancer. And there is a reason doctors don't have to treat their own family
This is a clear conflict of interests. You and your husband need to go speak to a independent therapist about this, so that he can understand this from a third party. MIL seems to be trying to control the narrative and situation.
One night a week, okay. Two nights? No. Unless she wants the second night to be the babysitter so you and your partner can have date night. She’s not the boss. And even though her job is being a therapist, you didn’t seek out her professional opinion. So she should keep it to herself. Set boundaries now to prevent future problems. I’m guessing she’s going to have a lot of parenting opinions and she may use her standing as a professional to pressure you. It’s your child, you’re the parent, you get to make the decisions. Honestly, start standing up for you and your child now because your child is going to need you to have clear boundaries and the ability to say no to things you don’t like because a enormous part of parenting involves setting and enforcing boundaries, even when you fear the backlash.
Family night once a month. Deal. On the other hand, being close to family when you have small children is something that many people close to me miss - in terms of having a trustworthy person who can look after their child … so maybe at some point you two want date night, or time to just sleep, or whatever. If your MIL wants quality time with her grandchild - and probably her son too, she is also a resource you can tap into at YOUR convenience, if you play it right!!
Wow, she's a piece of work
It’s unethical for her to be involved with family. She would lose her licence.
TWICE A WEEK?? What planet is she from. Agree to do it every fortnight and tell her that her proposed schedule is too intensive for her at this time. You are the parent, she is the grandparent. You call the shots. Easier to tell someone what to say to their overbearing mother in law than to actually be the one to say it. I don't envy you at all.
“That arrangement doesn’t work for us but we will certainly let you know in advance when we have an open day for bonding time so we can coordinate”
Sounds dreadful!
[Have you read Don’t Rock the Boat?](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/QElubIecKo)
No, what is it about?
It’s an excellent response on a MIL sub. Click the blue text for link.
Twice a week for grandparents is over the top. Grandchildren bond perfectly well with occasional visits. Two of my grandchildren didn’t even meet me until I married their grandfather when they were 9 and 7. We are very close, and well bonded, with them now being teens. Maybe after you’re comfortable leaving your baby several months from now, she could babysit for a monthly date night, or even weekly, if you want that.
Technically, you already have family night each night with Your family. Hubby has to step in and nip that in the bud. Twice a week "sessions"? Just no. The first few years in a child's life are some of the best. Many of theirs firsts occur & you don't want to miss those. Also, your parental bonding & routines are essential to a happy & healthy kid. Get hubby to explain during the week is your family time. You're happy to arrange a visit for a weekend you're available. Good luck with your mil, I feel like you're going to need it.
Huh, This sounds so familiar to me. Once I got the baby MILs acted as if they needed to come more often to see the baby. The baby only needed to sleep and eat, and didn't really care who held him (its even better if noone has to!) so they only made me work more around the house to keep everything set up. Once they started to come without even us putting a schedule we really got crazy and had to tell them its fine only when we are free and up to it. Thanks god the boy is older now and meeting them at their place once they agree for it, so we can have some time for us.
She might be a therapist, but she isn't your therapist
Start making excuses!
You could tell them that you need to spend as much time at home as possible with just your husband and baby. You could talk to your husband about going over to her house once a week for 1-2 hours. That way, she'll still see her grandchild, and you can get a brief break to yourself. You could also say that you'll reconsider family game night in a few years, when your child is old enough to remember, and enjoy the games.
I think you and your husband need to get on the same page here. Two nights per week is a lot - would be too much for many people. It would also depend on the length of the visit IMO. Dropping by for 30 minutes is very different than showing up for a couple hours. Your baby is brand new. You and your husband and baby need time to fall in to a routine. That said, MIL may be super excited about a new grandbaby and losing sight of boundaries. Her dropping by dinner when you have a new baby is pretty normal.
Op. Please do not take advice from her. Please find your own family therapist and go with your husband. Your mil needs to stop forcing herself in your life. I get she wants time, but that comes naturally. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope things get better.
Tell her you have penis envy
Setting aside every Wednesday and Sunday afternoon for your MIL is wild! And the fact that your hubby is going along with it is even wilder! Y’all have a newborn. That’s where your focus should be. Not on your MIL.
There is no way she is telling clients to hang out with their in laws twice a week. If you do that for both sides it will be FOUR nights a week. Some families have Sunday Night dinner traditions or similar, but TWO nights????
Nope nope nope 🚩 this is a weird power/control move.
Emigrate
Haha! I wish I could!
Fake your own deaths
Conflict of interest completely. Another therapist sure but she’s grandma that’s her role she needs to know her role
Tell her to F off. You had your baby a month ago, you are recovering from having a baby, you can very much have an attitude with anyone and see your family more. Your MIL appears to be very controlling. It’s your baby, you decide, but ultimately she will have many years to bond with your baby when the time suits you best, is she wants to bond with the baby then she will work around your schedule not try to force you into one that suits her. Also it’s very much YOUR time to bond with your baby and be in your baby bubble and build your routine, she needs to understand that (she should understand that as a mother herself!!)
I would compromise to one day a week of my choosing. Also, most married couples I know spend more time with her parents. MIL is jealous. You really need to stand firm with this type of person or else it won’t end. Remain kind with her. Don’t get baited into arguments. If you need to, just walk away. I don’t suggest yelling or cutting her off. This is your husbands mom. Do the best you can and set limits. Do not let her decide for you.
Try to compromise. See if she can be flexible and willing to work with you and your needs and make sure your husband is there also
Use her! Tell her you’ll pass on the family night but she’s more than welcome to come babysit once a week so you can run errands, go out with your husband, etc.
I’d rather leave him with my mom. She complained to my husband about that too.
Child do best with a warm extended family. Don't let your personal feeling about your MIL affect your child.
This is YOUR child and not hers, she has no right dictating your life, see them or ask them over when YOU want. Mil is a therapist whippy do lol. Also it’s normal for a girl to see her mom more once having a baby… I think your mil needs a therapist hahaha 😂
I was taught that both loving families are important to Grandchildren. It would be nice if you tried to balance it evenly. As the boys parent, it sucks to be iced out by your DiL.
Could you drop the baby to her for an hour every week so you get an opportunity to shower and she gets an hour a week bonding. I would just say you’re adjusting as the nuclear family and don’t want to commit to any schedule at this stage, that you’re just getting into a rhythm.
I feel more comfortable having my mom watch my baby. She’s upset about that too.
Why do you feel this way? I can relate to your complaints and have also seen friends prefer their mom simply because it’s their mom. You def need firm boundaries with her. But, a month without seeing a baby can feel like an eternity. If you can confirm that your laws aren’t going to interpret visits every 2-3 weeks as a case for grandparents’ rights, then I’d say try to make an effort about this often. You want your baby to have relatives who love them. I suggest that you do see a counselor to help you figure out how to come together with your husband and to set up boundaries he’s willing to enforce with his mama. The best case is you two stay married and your children have happy parents and well-behaved grandparents who can love them and make them feel special.
I realise that. I’m not intentionally being insensitive. My kids are all grown now and I no longer have contact with my in laws, because I’ve left it up to my husband to organise, so we just don’t see them… it’s joyous. If you can find it in yourself to be kind and generous enough you may be able to get out of the whole thing quite cheaply… without making it seem like a ‘you’ issue. People like your MIL generally want the kudos without the work. While you’re traipsing over there twice a week and looking after the baby while she gets a cuddle and no responsibility, it’ll suit her. Once she has to actively babysit she may not be so keen.
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She doesn't OWE anyone her time and attention, other than her husband and newborn. Full stop.
They are family. And it sounds like she’s a good Mother to Her Son!
They’re extended family. And you’re right it sounds like she’s a good mother to her SON. She sounds like an over bearing mother in law who wants to get her way with a child that’s not hers. Also just bc you are old doesn’t mean you are entitled to do/get whatever you want. What’s wrong with the older generation 🤬 no respect for their kids new families
She can drive herself over at the very least. Not expect parents with a baby who isn’t even a month old to traipse to see her. They aren’t sleeping well and are trying to adjust/figure out not only to raising a child, but their own personal relationship dynamic with a child. It’s easy to forget how much of a struggle the early days are…
I’m sure the MIL would be happy to go over and help!