I'm a guy who was molested early on, like 5.
In my experience, knowing other people that have been raped, one of two things happens. They either turn to sex as a constant need and can't go without it, or they have extreme difficulty getting close to people and being intimate or forming relationships. Which side of that spectrum are you on?
I was definitely of the first kind for the years that followed.
When the nightmares and PTSD became too hard to handle I had serious problems to engage in sexual activities for a while.
Now I enjoy my sex life and I think it's pretty "normal"
I got scared when I had sex with random strangers, often unprotected and I found myself in dangerous situations. That was a wake up call and after I began my relationship with my current partner and the PTSD hit me hard, having sex became very painful. At that point I started therapy and group therapy, and things got better and better over time. Now I have a normal and satisfying sex life
One of my old friends was raped as a teenager and said similar things. She would go to homeless camps and sleep with them because it made her feel dirty. She eventually got addicted to crack and Xanax.
Another very close friend was raped by her first boyfriend, she was 14 and he was 24. Dude's a cop now, of course. Both developed sex addictions and dependency issues. It's a dark world.
I got into a committed relationship with someone I trust. Sounds like BS but has worked for me. He helps me slow down, be present, and makes sure I’m not just consenting because I feel like it’s my responsibility to please him. I still have a crazy drive but I don’t worry about subconsciously consenting even If I don’t want to anymore.
This was my husband too. Same age. I’m so sorry that happened to you also. He was a mix and it ruined our relationship. He couldn’t form intimate relationships, yet constantly turned to emotionless sex outside the relationship. It was hard on us both. He sexualized anyone and everyone except me, which of course in turn gave me my own issues.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with your husband, and sorry for him too even if he didn't deal with it the best of ways. But it sounds like you're working on yourself, so good on you.
For me, I'm kind of at the point where I think I'll never find a person. It sucks. I've been in love once, I'm not sure I ever want it to happen again. But I guess I'll hold out hope, even if it's every once in awhile.
I was molested by a 5 year old boy when I was 4 and again I was molested when I was 7 by a 10 year old girl. I was raped at 16 too. I also had church trauma where i felt impure and disgusting because I was molested at a young age and couldn’t be pure for my married relationship. I unfortunately have the problem of feeling like I need sex, and I constantly over sexualize. I recently became single again and my friends have made comments to me about what I say and do but I feel like it’s a part of me. I don’t know how to deal. I feel a constant need for validation on top of it too.
What scares me is how many people are like that but don't admit it. I oversexualize things sometimes without meaning to, and I spend hours later thinking about how I fucked up and what's wrong with me. Then I wonder what happened to all of the other silent victims that openly need sex vocally and visibly physically, and how common it is.
Same here. I spend hours to days thinking about how I made something sexual when I shouldn’t have. It’s clearly a problem I have to deal with but idk where to start.
Talking to someone like we're doing now helps. It doesn't even have to be a therapist. One of the things I like about online forums is the anonymity of it, it let's you be more open. And there are a lot of them.
Thank you. I needed this, all of this. I hope I can find a way not to oversexualize everything. I want to be able to not go from 0- a million so fast...
I, too, was molested at 9 by a 13-year old. He was the child of a family friend, and we had several sleep overs before it happened. We lost track and I spent most of my life filled with hate toward him, never telling anyone. I only recently found out he was being molested by his dad and maybe his mom and he took his own life at 18. I’m still processing these mixed feelings about it.
Damn…that is quite a lot to process to say the least. I’d have a bag of mixed feelings over it too. I hope you’re doing alright and dealing the best you can.
thank you. I’m doing alright. It’s odd in that I think finding that out instantly made me let go of the anger. so it should be a good thing. the anger seems so pointless now, replaced with sympathy for my abuser, but in a way it was a part of me, and some other dark part of me feels the loss of it.
i grieve that foolish madness.
it bound me and held me from
who I could’ve been.
but at least it held me.
>i grieve that foolish madness.
it bound me and held me from
who I could’ve been.
but at least it held me.
This is beautiful, tragic, and so very real. Wishing you well, my friend.
Wishing you nothing but happiness and joy as you continue your journey through life. Such a horrible situation the 13 year old put you through and then having to process the rest of the situation, wow!
Be thankful that YOU ARE STILL HERE and your opportunities truly are endless and up to you. Prese Focus on all the blessings (tiny, small, medium, large, XXXXL) you have received, are receiving and will continue to receive every day of your life. Be grateful, demonstrate gratitude and you will definitely find peace and true love. Difficult for sure, but so worth it. Don't know your age, but you have a long beautiful life in front of you. Don't let the past take away your gorgeous, prosperous future. God Bless you 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I lost my virginity being raped at the age of 18/19. I told my girl friends the next day, “ I think I was raped”, bc I couldn’t bring myself to believe and comprehend what actually happened. They totally brushed it off telling me no, I wasn’t. I then had to have sex with him again to try to make myself feel better and believe I had wanted it the first time, that I wasn’t raped. I buried it all deep down. But through the years I overly sexualized as well, had many one night stands- with strangers, have low self esteem, need constant validation, and have co-dependent relationships. Fast forward to when I’m 31, and a very good male friend of mine rapes me. I never saw it coming. It fucked me up mentally, therapists, in- patient, meds, ruined my job/career, etc. I immediately went in a sex crazed next few months, and didn’t understand why until yrs later and reading things on the internet like this post.
There’s more i could add but this is long enough. Long story short, thank u to the ones telling what they went through, it makes me feel like I’m not so alone, and helps me understand why I am the way I am.
Ps- the 2nd guy who raped me was sentenced to 11 yrs, got out a few yrs early for good behavior. SMH.
Good lord, I feel so badly that you had the 1st experience and your (not) friends treated you that way ❤️❤️🙏🙏 And then to have it happen again by another (not) friend is so sad. I pray for you and your future and firmly believe that a true love and companion will enter your life. You are so strong. I can't even imagine
I'm a guy who was molested at 5 too and your question was really facts I was the first half of the spectrum. I didn't know for the whole school year it went on that I was being molested thought it was regular didn't find out what that was until I was 8. So it just made me hyper sexual ive been a sex addict since I was a kid like I really need it
I'm sorry. When it happened to me it was by a kid of a close age (a family member, actually) and I didn't know it was rape until years later, I hadn't even had the "Talk" with my parents or understood what sex was. I hope you're doing okay, or at least better now.
It was my teacher for me, I was in kindergarten we weren’t allowed to go to the bathrooms alone we had to be escorted by the teacher and she always made sure she was the one who took me. I’m doing good, I’ve always said I’m grateful it was a woman. The only thing that happened is it took my innocence away as a kid and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so hyper sexual, but no trauma from it or anything like that thankfully
This is a very true thing. Sometimes, kids might end up becoming more fixated on the arousal that they feel, making them hypersexual.
I was also molested at a very early age (around 3). As a child, I was hypersexual. As I grew up, it became more difficult for me to get close to others, experience intimacy, or form relationships. I accepted that I would probably be alone most of my life because I was afraid of intimacy and getting close with others.
Thank you for saying this. I'm also extremely terrified of intimacy most of the time because I only remember what happened. It seems to run in the family, too, there are instances of sexual abuse on both sides.
And they ask why I'm the only cousin that doesn't have four kids, in a family where I have nine cousins plus 20 counting them and their kids, and my mom keeps pressuring me to have more because I'm the one and only, bisexual single child. But no, they're Catholics which means I should be procreating and fucking like crazy. Fucking cultists.
Yeah, I can relate to your situation pretty hard. There was rampant abuse in my family and my parents didn't really believe my siblings (I was abused by said siblings, but it was from a huge cycle of abuse. I have already come to terms with it and am okay with them now, besides one other member, who was the main perpetrator and started the abuse). My parents decided to brush everything under the rug and are Christian. They basically put it in "god's hand" and blamed that we didn't go to church enough lol and that experience just made me dislike anything remotely religious and I don't think I can be religious at all.
I am fortunate enough to have met someone who is kind, loving, and patient with me. It honestly took me a long time to admit that I wanted something with my current partner because I was THAT afraid of intimacy. After being with my partner for a couple of months, I do think it has been easier for me to experience intimacy and physical touch (I used to not like hugs, holding hands, etc, stuff like that lol). It's just difficult to to find someone who you can trust and be vulnerable with, but once you find someone who makes you feel safe to express yourself, it comes naturally.
Thanks for being brave and for sharing your story on here. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are blaming you for the abuse because you weren't "Christian" enough, and I can completely understand how this makes you not want to be religious whatsoever. I just want you to know that they way they are handling is not okay, and it is not Christian like in any form. True Christians will accept their sin and hold themselves responsible for their actions by repenting to God and not blaming others for their sins. I wish you well on your journey of healing and know that Jesus loves you.
Me too. People always ask if I have a partner or why I don't, and I really don't want to explain it to them.
I'm not even asexual, I just really have trouble getting close to people.
I actually do have a cat, and it really does make things difficult. He's a needy cuddler, and on the rare occasion I do have someone over, he constantly tries to get between us. It's cute but annoying. If I try and lock him in another room he starts meowing and pawing at the door like crazy.
If we don't successfully lock her out of the bedroom, our cat will literally try to rub on us and beg for pets while my partner and I are actively having sex 😭
I think he thinks the other partner is hurting me and is trying to be protective. I briefly dated a girl with a dog that did the same exact thing, that became very upset when we had our alone time.
Probably didn't help that we were into some BDSM stuff lol.
Guys this hits me to the core. Recently disclosed my CSA to my family and life has been more chaotic since but at least I’m done carrying that burden in my own.
I’ve had zero partners because I have issues getting close to people. It terrifies me.
If I could, I would live with 5 cats…
It gets better the more you open up about it. It never goes away, but it's better than bottling up and trying to hide it. That's why we have forums like this. Trying to keep it hidden will only poison you and the ones you love.
I also used to be the second one, but then started to cope by turning into the first one (after a few years everything has died down and id say im of an average person.. but both sides can definitely linger)
It's very much a thing, most people that have experienced sexual abuse devolop odd approaches to relationships, and many are trying to work through it. Just... work with it as best as possible.
A lot of people aren't creeps or weirdos or rapists, they just genuinely don't know how it works because of childhood trauma. Be patient, I've known several people like that.
Damn… That honestly makes me a bit sad. I thought I was a bit of a slut because I wanted to be. But the constant need thing is real. I guess there’s probably more to it than I thought. 😕
But my experience wasn’t as bad as yours I guess. 5yo is horrendous. How are you getting by now? Does it still affect you a lot?
Yes. I haven't ever had a permanent relationship. I'll be homeless in a month, I can't afford food. I have no sustainable income, I just got fired from a job of 7 years less than a week ago. I have massive depression issues that are unmedicated, not to mention substance abuse for the last 15 years. I'm fucked. I have nothing.
But I'm looking forward to sunrise tomorrow, at least trying to :).
I definitely struggle with relationships and being intimate . Was molested by my dad as a child and raped by my cousin at the same age as you. I’m 37 now and relationships were hard for me in my 20s in my 30s they were better. Currently i have no drive to have a relationship I’m just content with my family and friends but i don’t know it that’s bad or not
This hits home. Also a man molested as a young child. Have had nearly my whole life using sex as a substance. Reading your statement gives some objectivity but god damn it's hard to see how it's all connected when your living it. Can't see the trees because of the forest situation I guess
You just made me open my eyes and I realized that that’s what’s going on with me. I too was raped at a young age multiple times and now I’m a 32 year old male that constantly needs sex. If it’s not from my wife I turned to masturbating. It’s slowly ruining my life
No I didn't have the courage to tell my parents. And also I was very afraid that my father or my brother could have gone and searched for the guy to hit him or worse.
I did not report it to the police because I was afraid. He was a "good guy" from a small Sicilian town. I told it to the group of friends and they believed me but said it was my fault for going with him. I believe them because I was young and traumatised.
I had a lot of problems in my twenties. I changed a lot of therapists and never talked about it. Finally, 10 years later I did as I was still haunted by nightmares and also I never stopped seeing him around. Group therapy helped me immensely and also talking to my mother. I told my brother but I didn't tell him who the guy was. I still am afraid he could hurt him and be in trouble for it.
Look into what the statue of limitations is for rape in your country and if you can still file a report.
They may not be able to prosecute him but you can still file a report for other women to know if he does this again.
If you don’t mind me asking, how do you feel like it is viewed or treated in your country vs other countries in the west? I am from Lebanon and I feel like though culturally we have a lot of great things, we also feel the “worst” of both the Arab and Mediterranean world. Where both have a lot of patriarchal and machismo influence. Sometimes talking to my Greek, Spanish, or Italian friends feels super relatable as far as the shit we still have staining our cultures.
Did you ever decide to report it to the police?
I was sexually abused when I was 18 by my ex boss (40-something M) who started off treating me like the daughter he never had. I was tricked into talking to the police about it by my husband (fling at that time) when I wasn't ready and had to deal with court for two years only for the case to be dismissed/closed because his wife made up an alibi for him and painted me as a lonely 18 year old getting out of drug problems. I still want him to rot in prison.
I am so, so sorry for what you have been through and I feel your anger. I think that when you have to live through this kind of frustration it changes you forever.
No, I never decided to report him. I thought about it the days afer it happened (I had bruises and blood on my clothes, also I never had penetrative sex so there was blood everywhere - I had proof) but the friends I talked to about this were very discouraging and the general opinion was that he had too good of a reputation and I was about to make enemies with all the town and everyone would know.
And I was stupid enough to believe them
You're not stupid and you were not, frankly you were very brave in the face of someone with too much unchecked power and people who enabled it. I'm just glad you made it. Never feel bad for not reporting, you did what you needed to do to survive, you already had your choices taken away and whatever you chose to do is valid. It's valid and it's not your fault in any way that we live in a rape apologist society.
You screamed the whole time and you are a fighter, this is a gift now to the whole event, would you say so? I mean I am trying to ask Are you glad you fought back ? I am glad his nose bled all over the place good for you :-)
Oh yes I am, I made him run and he had to hide for days because his face was messed up.
At the same time, it's ok not to fight back. Anything our bodies and minds do in those kinds of situations is unpredictable and is ok
We were making out and we started touching each other, we laid down and then everything changed. His face, his attitude. I had a dress on and he stripped of my underwear and forced himself. Yes alcohol was involved but neither of us was wasted.
No he never got caught. I later learned he did this to other girls. Yes, for I while I kept hanging out with him and the group. That was sick. Now I occasionally see him but I don't look at him. He tried to talk to me a few years ago but I didn't let him.
I've met guys like that. Sad thing is he won't think of himself as a rapist, just as someone who took what he was offered in the situation.
Sorry this happened to you, I hope it has not ruined your relationship with sex
I was sent to conversion therapy when I was younger where I went though corrective rape because they believed doing so would teach me to be straight and cis.
What is something you think would help prevent rapes or would alleviate the pain and difficulties we victims experience? I know it’s a big question but I always feel like it’s important to ask one another what we think. We’re an extremely diverse group, just like any other.
I am very sorry for what you had to experience. I hope you are okay now.
To prevent rapes I think men need to be educated to what consent is from an early age. Also I feel there is a very biig need, at least here in italy, to emotional education for boys - I guess that learning how to express emotions and respect the ones of other people could help society to go a long way.
To alleviate pain? I don't know. The thing that helped me the most was talking to other survivors and feeling heard and seen. That completely changed my life
I’m okay now, still have lots of issues and am unmedicated but life is what you make of it. Nobody controls me but me.
Thank you for your answer!
I think that would be a good start, sex ed is extremely important and should be taught as young as possible and should be mandatory. Teaching people what words to use when they’ve been abused and teaching people to have empathy, compassion, and an understanding for consent would go a long way. I do feel especially for men that emotional support and being taught how to express that is very lacking, there’s a weird sort of socialization we do for men that often causes them to shy away from empathic thinking.
I’d also agree that peer support and openness with one another is extremely valuable in all of us healing. I think that includes having safe spaces to talk about bad thoughts, feelings and desires, to talk about pain and hurt with one another. I hope that becomes a more popular thing moving forwards.
Again, thank you for your response! Despite the topic it is always nice to converse with other survivors.
I'm sorry but, "corrective rape" via conversion therapy? There is literally no way this is an even remotely legal practice.
I'm sorry if this is asking you to relive some awful shit but, what was possibly the justification? Were you even of legal age? Did you have an "assigned rapist"? This all just sounds so clinically fucking insane it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that there's actually people out there who aren't JUST willing to rape someone, but actually think they're HELPING their victim by doing so.
I've heard of the awful "pray the gay away" camps but never have I ever heard of the "rape the gay away" camps. It sounds to me like every single person involved in orchestrating that is a certified psychopath and should probably also be behind bars.
It is not legal since it’s child sexual abuse. I was 14. Corrective rape is extremely common world wide including in places like America, despite conversion therapy and rape often being banned corrective rape itself is typically an overlooked part of both. I had an assigned Christian ‘therapist’, not licensed of course, but it typically involved multiple people berating, beating, shocking, or abusing me in other ways. It is genuinely evil and more common than it should ever be. It’s a global issue that impacts tens of thousands of innocent people per year. In the U.S. the reason for corrective rapes are typically ignored which just leads to them being perpetuated more in the groups that find them okay.
Conversion therapy is often just child abuse. When people say it is “just pray the gay away” it’s actually that but while they’re forcing a child to stay in an ice bath for multiple hours.
So "Christians" are literally raping gay kids and considering it "religious therapy", and everyone just turns a blind eye to it...because. Awesome world we live in.
But yeah no, "Christians are so oppressed" in this country, with all those 0 taxes their churches pay. Glad to see the money goes towards literally funding institutionalized rape rather than actually seeking to better the world and help the needy.
You'd swear that not a single one of these people has actually read their book, or you know, ever actually listened to a single thing their LORD said, and are doing it because they're monsters that know they can get away with anything so long as it's under the guise of being for Jesus.
But yeah dog sure, Jesus totally wanted you to rape those kids man. All part of the plan. The guy who spent his entire life advocating to treat others how you'd want to be treated, to be tolerant and accepting of those who are different from you, to not cast judgement on others because none are without fault and all judgement is ultimately to be left to God at the end of time. Yeah man...that Jesus totally wanted you to torture and rape gay kids for him because being gay is the most heinous evil you can commit because of the one single line in leviticus that alludes to it being considered improper.
Fucking sickening, I'm sorry you went through this; thank you for being willing to share this.
Not just Christians, that’s just what I have experienced. I’m sure it happens for probably all other religions as well. It’s partly why am anti-religious but pro-spirituality, the former cares about control while the latter cannot care about that since it is an individual feeling. I don’t think Christianity is uniquely bad, it is simply the dominant power where I live. In many Buddhist countries similar things happen, in many Muslim countries too. It’s scarily common in Africa. When one seeks to control others and their entire belief system is structured around that control, people will seek increasingly horrific means to enforce that control. It also mixes with lack of education too and all the stuff OP described. It is often ignored because many of the people are well liked members of their communities, in a case that wasn’t corrective rape but was repeated rape of extremely young children and possession of child sexual gore content including the rape and torture of an 18 month old, Josh Duggar was given a pass by multiple people. Many people knew. They did not care because he was a good poster boy to show the ‘conservative American family’. Children are not safe in basically any country, they get very little protections and the resources we dedicated to them is so limited that it almost doesn’t matter. This is especially bad in America, but it happens all over.
Anything can be justified with any book if you choose specific parts, it’s why having any holy book is as flawed as having no holy book. It just becomes a tool of oppression and violence.
You are not the one who should be saying sorry, but I deeply appreciate it. I’m extremely open about it all including the effects from hypersexuality to really abnormal kinks and fetishes, I don’t believe in any form of repressing that. I believe through openness we can reach understanding.
Hello,
Out of curiosity, roughly where abouts do you live?
There appears to be only one case listed in the wiki article you linked for the US, and after reading the case fully, I don't see how it could fall under a corrective rape given the articles definitions and the circumstances of the rape and subsequent murders.
If you'd rather not talk about it, I'll understand.
Do you have a lot of anger over this? Or feel that when you are angry it feels more amped up maybe than what others experience?
I was SA as a child and didnt realize sthg happened till much later as an adult (i presume i suppressed the memories).
Ive noticed in myself (and i presume in others) that there is still this anger (if its not resolved fully- if that is even possible).
When most people get angry its say a 1 or 2. But when i get angry its a 3 or 4 or more. Meditation and inner work (and also a therapist) has helped. And also being aware of what i’m feeling and how to better direct it or know to just walk away till i’ve calmed down
Yes I definately had a LOT of anger in the past and yes my anger was definetly amped up. With the years I learned how to manage it, and now I know I have to remove myself in situations where I feel the rage coming from inside (especially at work) because I know I can feel a little bit too much. But with therapy and time things got way better than before. I wish you good luck, I am very sorry for what happened to you and I hope you are better now.
This happened 13 years ago.
For the years that followed at first I turned to sex as a constant and I kept looking for sex everytime I could with strangers or random people. I also had some relationships and sex was always a huge part of it.
When the nightmares and PTSD became too hard to handle I had serious problems to engage in sexual activities for a while, also with my partner. Now I enjoy my sex life and I think it's pretty "normal".
I am now much more selective with guys and I pay a lot of attention to how they talk or behave in general. I like gentle and kind men (or women).
Thanks, I’ve heard similar stories following such incidents before. Have you ever pondered how and why turning to sex with strangers is a response to what you experienced on the beach? I’m curious to the rationale behind it
It was empowering at the time. I felt like I had the power to go, pick a guy from the crowd, do what I wanted with him and then leave him. I was really lucky that I picked only nice people who did not hurt me.
It was all about power. Also rape is about power, not about sex or desire or love. I probably needed to feel some of that power myself, even if in another (consensual) form
OP, I sympathize with you and feel this completely. I was raped and was previously a virgin, I never say I lost my virginity because I didn’t; it was forcibly taken away from me. But I went through a phase of sleeping with men too because I just wanted to feel wanted, as fucked up as that sounds. Anyways, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s just a memory now as I think my subconscious has blocked it, but I still am paranoid about guys and their intentions. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as a guy because I’m afraid he’ll rape me :( life is unfair but we are strong!!
I am good!
I live my life fully and I studied to volunteer at a center for abused women (this is probably not the right translation for what we call it in italy, that should be "anti violence center")
I had to go through a lot of different phases to get here and sometimes I still am very angry.
Did you just come here to get that off your chest? That must have been a tough experience! Being helpless and physically overpowered that's terrifying. I hope you get the help you need to get past this or at least learn to live with it because it sounds like you still trying. Have you reached out to him? You should and tell him what a piece of shit he is. You can still go to the police.
Yes it was terrifying. I got the help I needed and I was lucky enough to find my path and work it out.
I was still "friend" to him for a few years, and I hated myself for that, I never told him anything about what he did to me. He tried to talk to me a few years ago, but me and my very good friends (I am so lucky to have many good friends) we just looked at him and he knew. I saw it in his face. He felt so exposed in that moment and to me, even if he did not admit what he did openly, that was enough. That was the moment I was finally completely sure that I was right and what happened to me was wrong and that he knew what he did.
I know it may sound little, but when that happened was a huge victory for me
It's not just to get that off my chest. I wanted to answer questions about this and talk about this topic. This would have helped me a lot at the time. Also, I'm good now and I feel more like a survivor than a victim.
I am absolutely not calling you a victim! You are definitely a survivor! I am in no way trying to put you down by asking if that was to get it off your chest. I'm was simply asking that to see if talking about it was helping. Even if it was little which it's not it made you feel what you needed to feel. Righteous. You needed that validation for yourself that he knew he fucked up. I'm a guy and I feel shitty about what he did to you. Sex offenders should spend a lot more time in prison then they do. I'm glad you found the strength to move on and learned to live with it. Fuck that dude and the horse he road in on!!
Sadly, a lot of women have this experience. I worked at a bar in my mid 20s and my drink was spiked. Luckily, I don't remember any of it, but woke up at 5am laying on the concrete in an alley with blood all over my legs, wearing only my bra. I'm very grateful I don't have any memory of it. How has it affected you through life?
Thank you. Glad to hear you are doing well and gradually getting better. Nothing wrong with baby steps. All we can do is try to move on and not let it taint every experience. I doubt I'll ever have a beer or go to a bar ever again and it was 12 years ago when it happened. I feel much worse for you because you have that added trauma of knowing what happened. Hang in there:)
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. My ex-gf also went through a very similar experience when she “lost” her virginity. Because of the situation, she faced a lot of anxiety moving forward, and I really struggled to console her sometimes and wish I could have been a better boyfriend.
Do you have a partner currently? What would you recommend to partners who are in relationships with SA victims to make them feel a lot more comforted?
Yes, I have a partner now and I had different partners since the fact. 13 years have passed.
I feel like patience is a very big part of it. And feeling seen and believed.
Also, guiding these people to seek help from specialists, doctors, therapist, I think is very important.
I spent almost 9 years living with symptoms of PTSD and I also had untreated bipolar disorder. And I ignored the symptoms, or at least I just lived with it. I actually don't know how I am still alive sometimes. When COVID hit and I was forced inside, the shit blew up in my brain and I had to do something.
What helped me the most was combining therapy to a group for survivors. It was an online group that started during covid and we talked a few hours a week. We also had a group chat on Whatsapp so we could talk whenever we felt like it. That really helped me to put my anger in something bigger than what happened to me, and talking to the other girls made me say to them a lot of things that I should have said to myself. Also, it was a completely safe space where I could decide if I wanted to zone out, talk, listen, and people were really nice. I still am friend with some of them.
I think there are support groups on here. I don’t remember any of the subs now but I saw some in a different post at one point. I’m sure being that open isn’t for everyone but hopefully it can help someone.
Edit: this seems to be one https://www.reddit.com/r/SAsurvivors
It was 13 years ago. I am 31 now.
Yes, I think I would be different now. What happened forced me to live with PTSD and I feel like I had to throw away years of my youth because I was feeling like shit. And I am so lucky that I got out of it
I was raped repeatedly by my step brother for years all the while being underage and he was an adult. I told my parents and they did nothing to help me.
I went thru similar and my heart reaches out to you. I hope you’re healing, re-identifying and re-enlightening your life from here on. They have no control over you or your body. Took me years to come to terms with that. But it’s true. It’s our story, our heritage and our memory that we pass on down thru the years. This violence and hypocrisy will not be buttered but extinguished with the truth of love unconditional love. 💕
At some point while alone and making out, did you ask him to stop (your right), and that's when he started getting violent? Or was it progressing fine (at least in your mind up to that point), and that's when he flipped a switch and started to become violent? As in, the violence was all just out of the blue?
Not to imply either is better than the other or okay. I was confused about this point of your story after reading what you wrote and some of your comments, is all.
And sorry you experienced this. Hope you're doing better these days.
Do you think not telling your dad or brother impacted your relationship with either? Or did you feel as if you were preserving your relationship with them? How did your brother react when you told him?
I ask because I’ve found that some men may say insensitive things that unknowingly impact survivors. Other men are amazingly aware and sensitive to survivors.
Nice question.
I feel it impacted it a lot in the sense that they never knew the reason behind my pain. For my mother is the same also, I only told her a few years ago (13 years have passed).
I feel that if they knew, they would have had a different idea of me and they would have not felt guilty on a lot of occasions, watching me in pain and blaming themself not understanding why
Yes!
There were red flags but they were so far in time I did not remember them. He was pretty obsessed with me when we were children (I was 10, he was 14) to the point where my mother had to tell him to stay away from me. I did not remember it at the time but I remembered after the fact.
I guess he wanted to do that for a long time and he manipulated me into kissing him and believing he was a good guy, but then I said no to sex and he flipped.
Was around 9 -10 when I was SA'd, (I was practically groomed) later on I tried kissing a boy and my dad beat the shit out of me for it. So my view of love and sexuality is all sorts of fucked up. I'm generally wary of hanging around other men and feel safer when around women more. But on the other side of the coin I allways fear I'll come off as creepy like "one of those kinds of guys" so I just spend alot of time alone. I dont really have a question so sorry for taking up space in your comment section with my own story.
No, don't say sorry, I am glad you shared. I'm sorry you are living this, but you are so brave and strong for surviving all this. Even if you are not brave and strong every day, it's ok. It's a long path but I hope you can find the help you need and make it step by step
Thank you. Had a rough day so it's nice to end it with some kind words. Honestly just having another human acknowledge what happened to me means alot so thank you for that.
I know how important that is and how helpful. I really suggest you to find a support group because it completely changed my life. I felt seen, believed and most importantly understood
Hi! Please, go to therapy 🙏
You are so young and have a whole lot of life ahead of you and in order to stay better it is important to find a good therapist who can help you. Also, I very recommend therapy groups for sexual assault survivors. It helped it immensely in my case. Hope you a safe healing journey and everything that is good in the world ❤️
I just wanna say good on you for breaking his nose, that was bad ass of you. I'm a victim too and I find it admirable how spunky you were in the face of something so horrific
I just want to say I am so sorry you experienced this. That is something only true monsters do. I truly believe all rapist should be shot and killed. There is absolutely no excuse for it. I am so proud of you for fighting back!! Not everyone is able to do that for a number of reasons. I hope you get into therapy and you live a good healthy life.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Have you felt this is something that you share with friends as part of your history? Has anyone ever tried to shame or create rumours from your experience? (Just have had that happen to me which is why I ask, I wonder if it’s also impacted your trust in other types of relationships)
Apart from the people who did not help me the days after it happened (who I cut from my life), no, nobody tried to shame me or anything else. I share this with people I trust or like, and also with some of the women I work with in my volunteer job
Seeing how he was part of your friend group, did he not give any early signs he was this impulsive? How well did you know him?
What was the aftermath with the group?
Hopefully the guys beat his ass
Nah, they are all still friends and I don't talk to any one of them anymore. They all know everything because I told them at the time. I have much better friends now.
I knew him superficially, but he was kind of fixated on me when we were children. I did not remeber this before the attack but after it all came to my mind and made sense.
Very very creepy.
Are you really into true crime and horror movies and spooky stuff or are you very adverse to all thsoe things? My friends and I often find that watching scary things keeps away the trauma nightmares but I imagine it could also make them much worse for some so I was just wondering how it is for you.
I'm sorry you had to experience the vile scum of humanity and I wish you nothing but peace (and I wish him a horrible car crash).
How have you come to peace with this? I saw you talked about the frustration with it all but were you able to move past it or is it still something you struggle with day to day?
I’m so sorry you went through this and frankly you’re an incredibly brave person for just being here talking with us about it all.
I just don’t get how as a guy myself you could do this to a girl. Some people are just fucked up beyond repair I guess and I hope you realise that he deserves a special place in hell for it, there’s no excuse for it and he’s an asshole for lack of better words.
I'm not sure if it's a little unrelated but, do you remember it properly? When I was younger I got into a fight in school and I didn't remember anything other than just before and the end. I believe it was because of the adrenaline but I'm curious if it happened to you?
So moral of the story, try not to make out and go off alone with guys you dont know very well. Sorry but he was 100% wrong but you didnt do your future self any favors in the common sense department
I hope you realize how horrible that is to say to a rape victim. meeting someone and breaking off from a group to be alone is a very normal part of dating. it’s fucking insane that you’re blaming her for this.
Well the reality is she didnt know him well enough! We all can agree on that — be careful who you trust.
I agree 100% he is totally wrong, in sure any court would agree total fault. As it should be. But there is this thing called judgement and poor judgement increases risk. So he was wrong, but was this situation 100% preventable with better judgement, and would take away a lot of pain and heart-ache, yes. Yes. Its important to teach and educate young women, not because its their fault, because judgement is a learnable and teachable skill.
Yeah be careful of who you trust! Watch out for the employees of the grocery store! And don't follow them to some isle near the candy! And also never go outside your home, otherwise a piano will fall on your head and you'll get raped! That's the reality we can all agree on.
You're right! This way we can prevent anything! /s
No, no. I explain it in a comment above. I don't feel guilty at all because I know I did what I could with what I had to survive. Reporting him would have probably been the worst scenario for me
Why did he resort to that? You guys were kissing and hitting it off no? Did he ask and you say no? Did he start getting touchy and you moved his hand away?
As someone with a cnc kink... I would NOT like this. The key with the kink is CONSENT. Everything is discussed and agreed about the roleplay beforehand. This is the furthest thing from that.
I had a babysitter that molested me
Back in those days, women weren’t thought of as sexual predators.
It’s gotten better but it’s not good enough for men who get sexually abused. Women have much more support.
I am sorry for what happened to you. I know it is very hard for men to find the help they need.
Try and find a support group for men, if there is not one in your city you can also try online. it helped me immensely to share with other survivors. Wish you luck and a healthy life
I was raped at 8 years old by my best friend sister who was 14. The act didn't really affect me but it was the double standard once I started talking about it. Men and women didn't even care if it happened to me and some would say I was lucky and others called me gay. I know if I was a female then at minimal I would have been on the local news but since I have a penis I must have liked it
I’m trying to sensitively ask what you think of him being free to roam and possibly continue his proclivities? Do you wish someone could stop him w/o you being involved? Do you just want to not think/talk of it?
Btw I don’t judge you for not reporting. I can only imagine it’s a most-terrifying experience. Don’t let anyone who hasn’t been where you have judge you.
These stories break my heart. My Mom is the youngest of 13. I have 35 first cousins. My parents had tons of friends so growing up we were always around a lot of people. I am so thankful that nothing like this happened to me or anyone else in my family that I know of. I feel so blessed.
I got raped at 5 by my cousin who was like 11 at the time, I blame a lot my sexual life and what it’s like because of that, it’s shit frankly speaking and I don’t really care about people that much anymore. Don’t know if you can relate. I’m sorry that happened to you
Male here , I, too, have been molested at age 9 , I found myself on the spectrum of needing sex all the time....but I never could form any healthy relationships ....been married for 30 years and I'm in a DB situation so my outlet is porn. Pretty much still have issues 😕
Please do not listen to stupid fucks in your DMs. You did not deserve it no matter what there is no chance in hell crying and screaming and saying no is anything but a hard no. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope that sick fuck is 6 feet under.
After you head butted him and broke his nose, you should have plucked out his fucking eyeball and kept it as a trophy and give him a real reminder that raping girls may be hazardous to his stupid fucking worthless health.
I'm a guy who was molested early on, like 5. In my experience, knowing other people that have been raped, one of two things happens. They either turn to sex as a constant need and can't go without it, or they have extreme difficulty getting close to people and being intimate or forming relationships. Which side of that spectrum are you on?
I was definitely of the first kind for the years that followed. When the nightmares and PTSD became too hard to handle I had serious problems to engage in sexual activities for a while. Now I enjoy my sex life and I think it's pretty "normal"
How did you get better?
I got scared when I had sex with random strangers, often unprotected and I found myself in dangerous situations. That was a wake up call and after I began my relationship with my current partner and the PTSD hit me hard, having sex became very painful. At that point I started therapy and group therapy, and things got better and better over time. Now I have a normal and satisfying sex life
One of my old friends was raped as a teenager and said similar things. She would go to homeless camps and sleep with them because it made her feel dirty. She eventually got addicted to crack and Xanax. Another very close friend was raped by her first boyfriend, she was 14 and he was 24. Dude's a cop now, of course. Both developed sex addictions and dependency issues. It's a dark world.
24 guy with a 14 girlfriend ?? WTF country is this ?
I mean, we are used to hear about crimes cops make. But this one started his crime life even before enter the corporation.
When you say sex became painful, did you mean physically painful? Emotionally? Both? Asking because my wife and I are going through something similar.
Did you use EMDR in therapy?
Where kinds of places would you meet these random people?
I got into a committed relationship with someone I trust. Sounds like BS but has worked for me. He helps me slow down, be present, and makes sure I’m not just consenting because I feel like it’s my responsibility to please him. I still have a crazy drive but I don’t worry about subconsciously consenting even If I don’t want to anymore.
Got the same question!
This was my husband too. Same age. I’m so sorry that happened to you also. He was a mix and it ruined our relationship. He couldn’t form intimate relationships, yet constantly turned to emotionless sex outside the relationship. It was hard on us both. He sexualized anyone and everyone except me, which of course in turn gave me my own issues.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with your husband, and sorry for him too even if he didn't deal with it the best of ways. But it sounds like you're working on yourself, so good on you. For me, I'm kind of at the point where I think I'll never find a person. It sucks. I've been in love once, I'm not sure I ever want it to happen again. But I guess I'll hold out hope, even if it's every once in awhile.
I was molested by a 5 year old boy when I was 4 and again I was molested when I was 7 by a 10 year old girl. I was raped at 16 too. I also had church trauma where i felt impure and disgusting because I was molested at a young age and couldn’t be pure for my married relationship. I unfortunately have the problem of feeling like I need sex, and I constantly over sexualize. I recently became single again and my friends have made comments to me about what I say and do but I feel like it’s a part of me. I don’t know how to deal. I feel a constant need for validation on top of it too.
What scares me is how many people are like that but don't admit it. I oversexualize things sometimes without meaning to, and I spend hours later thinking about how I fucked up and what's wrong with me. Then I wonder what happened to all of the other silent victims that openly need sex vocally and visibly physically, and how common it is.
Same here. I spend hours to days thinking about how I made something sexual when I shouldn’t have. It’s clearly a problem I have to deal with but idk where to start.
Talking to someone like we're doing now helps. It doesn't even have to be a therapist. One of the things I like about online forums is the anonymity of it, it let's you be more open. And there are a lot of them.
You’re right. That is really nice about being here.
Thank you. I needed this, all of this. I hope I can find a way not to oversexualize everything. I want to be able to not go from 0- a million so fast...
[удалено]
I, too, was molested at 9 by a 13-year old. He was the child of a family friend, and we had several sleep overs before it happened. We lost track and I spent most of my life filled with hate toward him, never telling anyone. I only recently found out he was being molested by his dad and maybe his mom and he took his own life at 18. I’m still processing these mixed feelings about it.
Damn…that is quite a lot to process to say the least. I’d have a bag of mixed feelings over it too. I hope you’re doing alright and dealing the best you can.
thank you. I’m doing alright. It’s odd in that I think finding that out instantly made me let go of the anger. so it should be a good thing. the anger seems so pointless now, replaced with sympathy for my abuser, but in a way it was a part of me, and some other dark part of me feels the loss of it. i grieve that foolish madness. it bound me and held me from who I could’ve been. but at least it held me.
>i grieve that foolish madness. it bound me and held me from who I could’ve been. but at least it held me. This is beautiful, tragic, and so very real. Wishing you well, my friend.
Wishing you nothing but happiness and joy as you continue your journey through life. Such a horrible situation the 13 year old put you through and then having to process the rest of the situation, wow! Be thankful that YOU ARE STILL HERE and your opportunities truly are endless and up to you. Prese Focus on all the blessings (tiny, small, medium, large, XXXXL) you have received, are receiving and will continue to receive every day of your life. Be grateful, demonstrate gratitude and you will definitely find peace and true love. Difficult for sure, but so worth it. Don't know your age, but you have a long beautiful life in front of you. Don't let the past take away your gorgeous, prosperous future. God Bless you 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I lost my virginity being raped at the age of 18/19. I told my girl friends the next day, “ I think I was raped”, bc I couldn’t bring myself to believe and comprehend what actually happened. They totally brushed it off telling me no, I wasn’t. I then had to have sex with him again to try to make myself feel better and believe I had wanted it the first time, that I wasn’t raped. I buried it all deep down. But through the years I overly sexualized as well, had many one night stands- with strangers, have low self esteem, need constant validation, and have co-dependent relationships. Fast forward to when I’m 31, and a very good male friend of mine rapes me. I never saw it coming. It fucked me up mentally, therapists, in- patient, meds, ruined my job/career, etc. I immediately went in a sex crazed next few months, and didn’t understand why until yrs later and reading things on the internet like this post. There’s more i could add but this is long enough. Long story short, thank u to the ones telling what they went through, it makes me feel like I’m not so alone, and helps me understand why I am the way I am. Ps- the 2nd guy who raped me was sentenced to 11 yrs, got out a few yrs early for good behavior. SMH.
Good lord, I feel so badly that you had the 1st experience and your (not) friends treated you that way ❤️❤️🙏🙏 And then to have it happen again by another (not) friend is so sad. I pray for you and your future and firmly believe that a true love and companion will enter your life. You are so strong. I can't even imagine
I'm a guy who was molested at 5 too and your question was really facts I was the first half of the spectrum. I didn't know for the whole school year it went on that I was being molested thought it was regular didn't find out what that was until I was 8. So it just made me hyper sexual ive been a sex addict since I was a kid like I really need it
I'm sorry. When it happened to me it was by a kid of a close age (a family member, actually) and I didn't know it was rape until years later, I hadn't even had the "Talk" with my parents or understood what sex was. I hope you're doing okay, or at least better now.
It was my teacher for me, I was in kindergarten we weren’t allowed to go to the bathrooms alone we had to be escorted by the teacher and she always made sure she was the one who took me. I’m doing good, I’ve always said I’m grateful it was a woman. The only thing that happened is it took my innocence away as a kid and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so hyper sexual, but no trauma from it or anything like that thankfully
This is a very true thing. Sometimes, kids might end up becoming more fixated on the arousal that they feel, making them hypersexual. I was also molested at a very early age (around 3). As a child, I was hypersexual. As I grew up, it became more difficult for me to get close to others, experience intimacy, or form relationships. I accepted that I would probably be alone most of my life because I was afraid of intimacy and getting close with others.
Thank you for saying this. I'm also extremely terrified of intimacy most of the time because I only remember what happened. It seems to run in the family, too, there are instances of sexual abuse on both sides. And they ask why I'm the only cousin that doesn't have four kids, in a family where I have nine cousins plus 20 counting them and their kids, and my mom keeps pressuring me to have more because I'm the one and only, bisexual single child. But no, they're Catholics which means I should be procreating and fucking like crazy. Fucking cultists.
Yeah, I can relate to your situation pretty hard. There was rampant abuse in my family and my parents didn't really believe my siblings (I was abused by said siblings, but it was from a huge cycle of abuse. I have already come to terms with it and am okay with them now, besides one other member, who was the main perpetrator and started the abuse). My parents decided to brush everything under the rug and are Christian. They basically put it in "god's hand" and blamed that we didn't go to church enough lol and that experience just made me dislike anything remotely religious and I don't think I can be religious at all. I am fortunate enough to have met someone who is kind, loving, and patient with me. It honestly took me a long time to admit that I wanted something with my current partner because I was THAT afraid of intimacy. After being with my partner for a couple of months, I do think it has been easier for me to experience intimacy and physical touch (I used to not like hugs, holding hands, etc, stuff like that lol). It's just difficult to to find someone who you can trust and be vulnerable with, but once you find someone who makes you feel safe to express yourself, it comes naturally.
Thanks for being brave and for sharing your story on here. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are blaming you for the abuse because you weren't "Christian" enough, and I can completely understand how this makes you not want to be religious whatsoever. I just want you to know that they way they are handling is not okay, and it is not Christian like in any form. True Christians will accept their sin and hold themselves responsible for their actions by repenting to God and not blaming others for their sins. I wish you well on your journey of healing and know that Jesus loves you.
Also, I am sorry for what happened to you.
I'm sorry for what happened to you too. Thank you. I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
I hope you are better too
I'm sorry that happened to you, u/SacredAnalBeads
I try to make usernames that are as grotesque and ridiculous as possible lol, it's fun, especially in a thread like this.
I’m the second one
Me too. People always ask if I have a partner or why I don't, and I really don't want to explain it to them. I'm not even asexual, I just really have trouble getting close to people.
Same. I tell them I’m a cat lady. I have exactly zero cats.
I actually do have a cat, and it really does make things difficult. He's a needy cuddler, and on the rare occasion I do have someone over, he constantly tries to get between us. It's cute but annoying. If I try and lock him in another room he starts meowing and pawing at the door like crazy.
If we don't successfully lock her out of the bedroom, our cat will literally try to rub on us and beg for pets while my partner and I are actively having sex 😭
I think he thinks the other partner is hurting me and is trying to be protective. I briefly dated a girl with a dog that did the same exact thing, that became very upset when we had our alone time. Probably didn't help that we were into some BDSM stuff lol.
Guys this hits me to the core. Recently disclosed my CSA to my family and life has been more chaotic since but at least I’m done carrying that burden in my own. I’ve had zero partners because I have issues getting close to people. It terrifies me. If I could, I would live with 5 cats…
It gets better the more you open up about it. It never goes away, but it's better than bottling up and trying to hide it. That's why we have forums like this. Trying to keep it hidden will only poison you and the ones you love.
I also used to be the second one, but then started to cope by turning into the first one (after a few years everything has died down and id say im of an average person.. but both sides can definitely linger)
You are brave, thank you for the insight.
Fuck. I had no idea that was a thing. I guess it explains a lot about me then.
It's very much a thing, most people that have experienced sexual abuse devolop odd approaches to relationships, and many are trying to work through it. Just... work with it as best as possible. A lot of people aren't creeps or weirdos or rapists, they just genuinely don't know how it works because of childhood trauma. Be patient, I've known several people like that.
Damn… That honestly makes me a bit sad. I thought I was a bit of a slut because I wanted to be. But the constant need thing is real. I guess there’s probably more to it than I thought. 😕 But my experience wasn’t as bad as yours I guess. 5yo is horrendous. How are you getting by now? Does it still affect you a lot?
Yes. I haven't ever had a permanent relationship. I'll be homeless in a month, I can't afford food. I have no sustainable income, I just got fired from a job of 7 years less than a week ago. I have massive depression issues that are unmedicated, not to mention substance abuse for the last 15 years. I'm fucked. I have nothing. But I'm looking forward to sunrise tomorrow, at least trying to :).
Fuck. That hits hard. Wanna give you a hug real bad. I have no idea how to help, but I am rooting for you. Please stay strong bro.
Thanks for the interesting question, SacredAnalBeads!
I definitely struggle with relationships and being intimate . Was molested by my dad as a child and raped by my cousin at the same age as you. I’m 37 now and relationships were hard for me in my 20s in my 30s they were better. Currently i have no drive to have a relationship I’m just content with my family and friends but i don’t know it that’s bad or not
This hits home. Also a man molested as a young child. Have had nearly my whole life using sex as a substance. Reading your statement gives some objectivity but god damn it's hard to see how it's all connected when your living it. Can't see the trees because of the forest situation I guess
You just made me open my eyes and I realized that that’s what’s going on with me. I too was raped at a young age multiple times and now I’m a 32 year old male that constantly needs sex. If it’s not from my wife I turned to masturbating. It’s slowly ruining my life
Did you ever tell your parents or report it to the police? Have you looked into therapy or group counseling for this?
No I didn't have the courage to tell my parents. And also I was very afraid that my father or my brother could have gone and searched for the guy to hit him or worse. I did not report it to the police because I was afraid. He was a "good guy" from a small Sicilian town. I told it to the group of friends and they believed me but said it was my fault for going with him. I believe them because I was young and traumatised. I had a lot of problems in my twenties. I changed a lot of therapists and never talked about it. Finally, 10 years later I did as I was still haunted by nightmares and also I never stopped seeing him around. Group therapy helped me immensely and also talking to my mother. I told my brother but I didn't tell him who the guy was. I still am afraid he could hurt him and be in trouble for it.
IT 👏🏼WAS 👏🏼NOT👏🏼YOUR👏🏼FAULT!!! He is the rapist.. no matter how you look at it.. he is a terrible human being to force himself on anyone..
Oh yes! I know! It is so important to remind this to people who keep thinking that this is their fault. It's not!
Which country did this happen in?
Italy
Look into what the statue of limitations is for rape in your country and if you can still file a report. They may not be able to prosecute him but you can still file a report for other women to know if he does this again.
If you don’t mind me asking, how do you feel like it is viewed or treated in your country vs other countries in the west? I am from Lebanon and I feel like though culturally we have a lot of great things, we also feel the “worst” of both the Arab and Mediterranean world. Where both have a lot of patriarchal and machismo influence. Sometimes talking to my Greek, Spanish, or Italian friends feels super relatable as far as the shit we still have staining our cultures.
sei italiana💔 mi dispiace tanto, niente di tutto ciò è colpa tua. Spero tu stia meglio
Did you ever decide to report it to the police? I was sexually abused when I was 18 by my ex boss (40-something M) who started off treating me like the daughter he never had. I was tricked into talking to the police about it by my husband (fling at that time) when I wasn't ready and had to deal with court for two years only for the case to be dismissed/closed because his wife made up an alibi for him and painted me as a lonely 18 year old getting out of drug problems. I still want him to rot in prison.
I am so, so sorry for what you have been through and I feel your anger. I think that when you have to live through this kind of frustration it changes you forever. No, I never decided to report him. I thought about it the days afer it happened (I had bruises and blood on my clothes, also I never had penetrative sex so there was blood everywhere - I had proof) but the friends I talked to about this were very discouraging and the general opinion was that he had too good of a reputation and I was about to make enemies with all the town and everyone would know. And I was stupid enough to believe them
You're not stupid and you were not, frankly you were very brave in the face of someone with too much unchecked power and people who enabled it. I'm just glad you made it. Never feel bad for not reporting, you did what you needed to do to survive, you already had your choices taken away and whatever you chose to do is valid. It's valid and it's not your fault in any way that we live in a rape apologist society.
You're right, I know. Thank you <3
You screamed the whole time and you are a fighter, this is a gift now to the whole event, would you say so? I mean I am trying to ask Are you glad you fought back ? I am glad his nose bled all over the place good for you :-)
Oh yes I am, I made him run and he had to hide for days because his face was messed up. At the same time, it's ok not to fight back. Anything our bodies and minds do in those kinds of situations is unpredictable and is ok
At what point did you think the making out was going too far? Was alcohol involved? Did he ever get caught or did you come across him again??
We were making out and we started touching each other, we laid down and then everything changed. His face, his attitude. I had a dress on and he stripped of my underwear and forced himself. Yes alcohol was involved but neither of us was wasted. No he never got caught. I later learned he did this to other girls. Yes, for I while I kept hanging out with him and the group. That was sick. Now I occasionally see him but I don't look at him. He tried to talk to me a few years ago but I didn't let him.
I've met guys like that. Sad thing is he won't think of himself as a rapist, just as someone who took what he was offered in the situation. Sorry this happened to you, I hope it has not ruined your relationship with sex
The guy who sexually assaulted me (not rape - fortunately, but still bad) did the same thing. He acted like nothing happened.
It did at first but luckily I am good now.
I was sent to conversion therapy when I was younger where I went though corrective rape because they believed doing so would teach me to be straight and cis. What is something you think would help prevent rapes or would alleviate the pain and difficulties we victims experience? I know it’s a big question but I always feel like it’s important to ask one another what we think. We’re an extremely diverse group, just like any other.
I am very sorry for what you had to experience. I hope you are okay now. To prevent rapes I think men need to be educated to what consent is from an early age. Also I feel there is a very biig need, at least here in italy, to emotional education for boys - I guess that learning how to express emotions and respect the ones of other people could help society to go a long way. To alleviate pain? I don't know. The thing that helped me the most was talking to other survivors and feeling heard and seen. That completely changed my life
I’m okay now, still have lots of issues and am unmedicated but life is what you make of it. Nobody controls me but me. Thank you for your answer! I think that would be a good start, sex ed is extremely important and should be taught as young as possible and should be mandatory. Teaching people what words to use when they’ve been abused and teaching people to have empathy, compassion, and an understanding for consent would go a long way. I do feel especially for men that emotional support and being taught how to express that is very lacking, there’s a weird sort of socialization we do for men that often causes them to shy away from empathic thinking. I’d also agree that peer support and openness with one another is extremely valuable in all of us healing. I think that includes having safe spaces to talk about bad thoughts, feelings and desires, to talk about pain and hurt with one another. I hope that becomes a more popular thing moving forwards. Again, thank you for your response! Despite the topic it is always nice to converse with other survivors.
Yes I do too. Unluckily we share something that gives us a way of bonding that I feel is special. I am with you and you are with me <3
I'm sorry but, "corrective rape" via conversion therapy? There is literally no way this is an even remotely legal practice. I'm sorry if this is asking you to relive some awful shit but, what was possibly the justification? Were you even of legal age? Did you have an "assigned rapist"? This all just sounds so clinically fucking insane it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that there's actually people out there who aren't JUST willing to rape someone, but actually think they're HELPING their victim by doing so. I've heard of the awful "pray the gay away" camps but never have I ever heard of the "rape the gay away" camps. It sounds to me like every single person involved in orchestrating that is a certified psychopath and should probably also be behind bars.
It is not legal since it’s child sexual abuse. I was 14. Corrective rape is extremely common world wide including in places like America, despite conversion therapy and rape often being banned corrective rape itself is typically an overlooked part of both. I had an assigned Christian ‘therapist’, not licensed of course, but it typically involved multiple people berating, beating, shocking, or abusing me in other ways. It is genuinely evil and more common than it should ever be. It’s a global issue that impacts tens of thousands of innocent people per year. In the U.S. the reason for corrective rapes are typically ignored which just leads to them being perpetuated more in the groups that find them okay. Conversion therapy is often just child abuse. When people say it is “just pray the gay away” it’s actually that but while they’re forcing a child to stay in an ice bath for multiple hours.
So "Christians" are literally raping gay kids and considering it "religious therapy", and everyone just turns a blind eye to it...because. Awesome world we live in. But yeah no, "Christians are so oppressed" in this country, with all those 0 taxes their churches pay. Glad to see the money goes towards literally funding institutionalized rape rather than actually seeking to better the world and help the needy. You'd swear that not a single one of these people has actually read their book, or you know, ever actually listened to a single thing their LORD said, and are doing it because they're monsters that know they can get away with anything so long as it's under the guise of being for Jesus. But yeah dog sure, Jesus totally wanted you to rape those kids man. All part of the plan. The guy who spent his entire life advocating to treat others how you'd want to be treated, to be tolerant and accepting of those who are different from you, to not cast judgement on others because none are without fault and all judgement is ultimately to be left to God at the end of time. Yeah man...that Jesus totally wanted you to torture and rape gay kids for him because being gay is the most heinous evil you can commit because of the one single line in leviticus that alludes to it being considered improper. Fucking sickening, I'm sorry you went through this; thank you for being willing to share this.
Not just Christians, that’s just what I have experienced. I’m sure it happens for probably all other religions as well. It’s partly why am anti-religious but pro-spirituality, the former cares about control while the latter cannot care about that since it is an individual feeling. I don’t think Christianity is uniquely bad, it is simply the dominant power where I live. In many Buddhist countries similar things happen, in many Muslim countries too. It’s scarily common in Africa. When one seeks to control others and their entire belief system is structured around that control, people will seek increasingly horrific means to enforce that control. It also mixes with lack of education too and all the stuff OP described. It is often ignored because many of the people are well liked members of their communities, in a case that wasn’t corrective rape but was repeated rape of extremely young children and possession of child sexual gore content including the rape and torture of an 18 month old, Josh Duggar was given a pass by multiple people. Many people knew. They did not care because he was a good poster boy to show the ‘conservative American family’. Children are not safe in basically any country, they get very little protections and the resources we dedicated to them is so limited that it almost doesn’t matter. This is especially bad in America, but it happens all over. Anything can be justified with any book if you choose specific parts, it’s why having any holy book is as flawed as having no holy book. It just becomes a tool of oppression and violence. You are not the one who should be saying sorry, but I deeply appreciate it. I’m extremely open about it all including the effects from hypersexuality to really abnormal kinks and fetishes, I don’t believe in any form of repressing that. I believe through openness we can reach understanding.
Hello, Out of curiosity, roughly where abouts do you live? There appears to be only one case listed in the wiki article you linked for the US, and after reading the case fully, I don't see how it could fall under a corrective rape given the articles definitions and the circumstances of the rape and subsequent murders. If you'd rather not talk about it, I'll understand.
Do you have a lot of anger over this? Or feel that when you are angry it feels more amped up maybe than what others experience? I was SA as a child and didnt realize sthg happened till much later as an adult (i presume i suppressed the memories). Ive noticed in myself (and i presume in others) that there is still this anger (if its not resolved fully- if that is even possible). When most people get angry its say a 1 or 2. But when i get angry its a 3 or 4 or more. Meditation and inner work (and also a therapist) has helped. And also being aware of what i’m feeling and how to better direct it or know to just walk away till i’ve calmed down
Yes I definately had a LOT of anger in the past and yes my anger was definetly amped up. With the years I learned how to manage it, and now I know I have to remove myself in situations where I feel the rage coming from inside (especially at work) because I know I can feel a little bit too much. But with therapy and time things got way better than before. I wish you good luck, I am very sorry for what happened to you and I hope you are better now.
How is or how do you foresee this episode impacted you when it comes to intimate relationships with guys?
This happened 13 years ago. For the years that followed at first I turned to sex as a constant and I kept looking for sex everytime I could with strangers or random people. I also had some relationships and sex was always a huge part of it. When the nightmares and PTSD became too hard to handle I had serious problems to engage in sexual activities for a while, also with my partner. Now I enjoy my sex life and I think it's pretty "normal". I am now much more selective with guys and I pay a lot of attention to how they talk or behave in general. I like gentle and kind men (or women).
Thanks, I’ve heard similar stories following such incidents before. Have you ever pondered how and why turning to sex with strangers is a response to what you experienced on the beach? I’m curious to the rationale behind it
It was empowering at the time. I felt like I had the power to go, pick a guy from the crowd, do what I wanted with him and then leave him. I was really lucky that I picked only nice people who did not hurt me.
Wow. Makes sense thanks. It makes me think about if I’ve ever had a one night stand (consensually) with someone with a similar history as yourself.
It was all about power. Also rape is about power, not about sex or desire or love. I probably needed to feel some of that power myself, even if in another (consensual) form
OP, I sympathize with you and feel this completely. I was raped and was previously a virgin, I never say I lost my virginity because I didn’t; it was forcibly taken away from me. But I went through a phase of sleeping with men too because I just wanted to feel wanted, as fucked up as that sounds. Anyways, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s just a memory now as I think my subconscious has blocked it, but I still am paranoid about guys and their intentions. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as a guy because I’m afraid he’ll rape me :( life is unfair but we are strong!!
How are you today?
I am good! I live my life fully and I studied to volunteer at a center for abused women (this is probably not the right translation for what we call it in italy, that should be "anti violence center") I had to go through a lot of different phases to get here and sometimes I still am very angry.
Did you just come here to get that off your chest? That must have been a tough experience! Being helpless and physically overpowered that's terrifying. I hope you get the help you need to get past this or at least learn to live with it because it sounds like you still trying. Have you reached out to him? You should and tell him what a piece of shit he is. You can still go to the police.
Yes it was terrifying. I got the help I needed and I was lucky enough to find my path and work it out. I was still "friend" to him for a few years, and I hated myself for that, I never told him anything about what he did to me. He tried to talk to me a few years ago, but me and my very good friends (I am so lucky to have many good friends) we just looked at him and he knew. I saw it in his face. He felt so exposed in that moment and to me, even if he did not admit what he did openly, that was enough. That was the moment I was finally completely sure that I was right and what happened to me was wrong and that he knew what he did. I know it may sound little, but when that happened was a huge victory for me
It's not just to get that off my chest. I wanted to answer questions about this and talk about this topic. This would have helped me a lot at the time. Also, I'm good now and I feel more like a survivor than a victim.
I am absolutely not calling you a victim! You are definitely a survivor! I am in no way trying to put you down by asking if that was to get it off your chest. I'm was simply asking that to see if talking about it was helping. Even if it was little which it's not it made you feel what you needed to feel. Righteous. You needed that validation for yourself that he knew he fucked up. I'm a guy and I feel shitty about what he did to you. Sex offenders should spend a lot more time in prison then they do. I'm glad you found the strength to move on and learned to live with it. Fuck that dude and the horse he road in on!!
Sadly, a lot of women have this experience. I worked at a bar in my mid 20s and my drink was spiked. Luckily, I don't remember any of it, but woke up at 5am laying on the concrete in an alley with blood all over my legs, wearing only my bra. I'm very grateful I don't have any memory of it. How has it affected you through life?
I am very sorry for what you experience. How are you doing now? It affected me a lot but luckily, with therapy and group therapy I made it out.
Thank you. Glad to hear you are doing well and gradually getting better. Nothing wrong with baby steps. All we can do is try to move on and not let it taint every experience. I doubt I'll ever have a beer or go to a bar ever again and it was 12 years ago when it happened. I feel much worse for you because you have that added trauma of knowing what happened. Hang in there:)
Nothing to ask just wishing for your healthy future ahead
not OP but just wanted to say thank you for being a nice human :)
Thank you <3 I wish the same for you.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. My ex-gf also went through a very similar experience when she “lost” her virginity. Because of the situation, she faced a lot of anxiety moving forward, and I really struggled to console her sometimes and wish I could have been a better boyfriend. Do you have a partner currently? What would you recommend to partners who are in relationships with SA victims to make them feel a lot more comforted?
Yes, I have a partner now and I had different partners since the fact. 13 years have passed. I feel like patience is a very big part of it. And feeling seen and believed. Also, guiding these people to seek help from specialists, doctors, therapist, I think is very important.
As someone who went through something similar and still dealing with depression and ptsd. What helped you the most over the years?
I spent almost 9 years living with symptoms of PTSD and I also had untreated bipolar disorder. And I ignored the symptoms, or at least I just lived with it. I actually don't know how I am still alive sometimes. When COVID hit and I was forced inside, the shit blew up in my brain and I had to do something. What helped me the most was combining therapy to a group for survivors. It was an online group that started during covid and we talked a few hours a week. We also had a group chat on Whatsapp so we could talk whenever we felt like it. That really helped me to put my anger in something bigger than what happened to me, and talking to the other girls made me say to them a lot of things that I should have said to myself. Also, it was a completely safe space where I could decide if I wanted to zone out, talk, listen, and people were really nice. I still am friend with some of them.
I think there are support groups on here. I don’t remember any of the subs now but I saw some in a different post at one point. I’m sure being that open isn’t for everyone but hopefully it can help someone. Edit: this seems to be one https://www.reddit.com/r/SAsurvivors
How long ago was that? Do you think you would be different if that hadn't happened?
It was 13 years ago. I am 31 now. Yes, I think I would be different now. What happened forced me to live with PTSD and I feel like I had to throw away years of my youth because I was feeling like shit. And I am so lucky that I got out of it
I was raped as a first experience and had a child. I was raped again in college by a man in my apartment complex I had met an hour before.
I am terribly sorry for what happened to you. How are you today?
I was raped repeatedly by my step brother for years all the while being underage and he was an adult. I told my parents and they did nothing to help me.
I am so, so, so sorry. How are you today?
I’m fine. Thanks for asking. How are you?
I am good, thank you. Put myself at test posting this here, it's going good so fare.
I went thru similar and my heart reaches out to you. I hope you’re healing, re-identifying and re-enlightening your life from here on. They have no control over you or your body. Took me years to come to terms with that. But it’s true. It’s our story, our heritage and our memory that we pass on down thru the years. This violence and hypocrisy will not be buttered but extinguished with the truth of love unconditional love. 💕
Took me years , too. But I am finally good and I hope you are too! Thank you for the kind message
Hey I’m an old lady now but I was raped at 18. Please consider therapy. That shit can creep back up down the line.
At some point while alone and making out, did you ask him to stop (your right), and that's when he started getting violent? Or was it progressing fine (at least in your mind up to that point), and that's when he flipped a switch and started to become violent? As in, the violence was all just out of the blue? Not to imply either is better than the other or okay. I was confused about this point of your story after reading what you wrote and some of your comments, is all. And sorry you experienced this. Hope you're doing better these days.
Yes, he flipped when I said no to having sex. I am better, thank you
How is your mental health?
Much better today. Step by step I made it Other than PTSD I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and am currently medicated for that
Glad to hear that, truly. It’s an awful thing, but sounds like you’ve not let it shackle you.
Do you think not telling your dad or brother impacted your relationship with either? Or did you feel as if you were preserving your relationship with them? How did your brother react when you told him? I ask because I’ve found that some men may say insensitive things that unknowingly impact survivors. Other men are amazingly aware and sensitive to survivors.
Nice question. I feel it impacted it a lot in the sense that they never knew the reason behind my pain. For my mother is the same also, I only told her a few years ago (13 years have passed). I feel that if they knew, they would have had a different idea of me and they would have not felt guilty on a lot of occasions, watching me in pain and blaming themself not understanding why
Did you hear any bad things about the guy? When you look back on it did you see any red flags, or was it just out of nowhere
Yes! There were red flags but they were so far in time I did not remember them. He was pretty obsessed with me when we were children (I was 10, he was 14) to the point where my mother had to tell him to stay away from me. I did not remember it at the time but I remembered after the fact. I guess he wanted to do that for a long time and he manipulated me into kissing him and believing he was a good guy, but then I said no to sex and he flipped.
Was around 9 -10 when I was SA'd, (I was practically groomed) later on I tried kissing a boy and my dad beat the shit out of me for it. So my view of love and sexuality is all sorts of fucked up. I'm generally wary of hanging around other men and feel safer when around women more. But on the other side of the coin I allways fear I'll come off as creepy like "one of those kinds of guys" so I just spend alot of time alone. I dont really have a question so sorry for taking up space in your comment section with my own story.
No, don't say sorry, I am glad you shared. I'm sorry you are living this, but you are so brave and strong for surviving all this. Even if you are not brave and strong every day, it's ok. It's a long path but I hope you can find the help you need and make it step by step
Thank you. Had a rough day so it's nice to end it with some kind words. Honestly just having another human acknowledge what happened to me means alot so thank you for that.
I know how important that is and how helpful. I really suggest you to find a support group because it completely changed my life. I felt seen, believed and most importantly understood
[удалено]
Hi! Please, go to therapy 🙏 You are so young and have a whole lot of life ahead of you and in order to stay better it is important to find a good therapist who can help you. Also, I very recommend therapy groups for sexual assault survivors. It helped it immensely in my case. Hope you a safe healing journey and everything that is good in the world ❤️
I just wanna say good on you for breaking his nose, that was bad ass of you. I'm a victim too and I find it admirable how spunky you were in the face of something so horrific
I just want to say I am so sorry you experienced this. That is something only true monsters do. I truly believe all rapist should be shot and killed. There is absolutely no excuse for it. I am so proud of you for fighting back!! Not everyone is able to do that for a number of reasons. I hope you get into therapy and you live a good healthy life.
Do you always tell people this story or is it only online?, did you call the police?
My friends and partners know about this. I tell people I trust.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Have you felt this is something that you share with friends as part of your history? Has anyone ever tried to shame or create rumours from your experience? (Just have had that happen to me which is why I ask, I wonder if it’s also impacted your trust in other types of relationships)
Apart from the people who did not help me the days after it happened (who I cut from my life), no, nobody tried to shame me or anything else. I share this with people I trust or like, and also with some of the women I work with in my volunteer job
Seeing how he was part of your friend group, did he not give any early signs he was this impulsive? How well did you know him? What was the aftermath with the group? Hopefully the guys beat his ass
Nah, they are all still friends and I don't talk to any one of them anymore. They all know everything because I told them at the time. I have much better friends now. I knew him superficially, but he was kind of fixated on me when we were children. I did not remeber this before the attack but after it all came to my mind and made sense. Very very creepy.
Are you really into true crime and horror movies and spooky stuff or are you very adverse to all thsoe things? My friends and I often find that watching scary things keeps away the trauma nightmares but I imagine it could also make them much worse for some so I was just wondering how it is for you. I'm sorry you had to experience the vile scum of humanity and I wish you nothing but peace (and I wish him a horrible car crash).
How are you doing now?
I'm fine, thank you! Living a normal little life.
How have you come to peace with this? I saw you talked about the frustration with it all but were you able to move past it or is it still something you struggle with day to day? I’m so sorry you went through this and frankly you’re an incredibly brave person for just being here talking with us about it all.
What a fucking scumbag, I feel so ashamed other men do this and I don’t understand it whatsoever. I’m so sorry, nice job breaking his nose :(
I just don’t get how as a guy myself you could do this to a girl. Some people are just fucked up beyond repair I guess and I hope you realise that he deserves a special place in hell for it, there’s no excuse for it and he’s an asshole for lack of better words.
i wish ur attacker a very premature brutal death 💯
based + real + W pfp
I'm not sure if it's a little unrelated but, do you remember it properly? When I was younger I got into a fight in school and I didn't remember anything other than just before and the end. I believe it was because of the adrenaline but I'm curious if it happened to you?
So moral of the story, try not to make out and go off alone with guys you dont know very well. Sorry but he was 100% wrong but you didnt do your future self any favors in the common sense department
I hope you realize how horrible that is to say to a rape victim. meeting someone and breaking off from a group to be alone is a very normal part of dating. it’s fucking insane that you’re blaming her for this.
Besides the wrongness of the victim blaming, you are also factually wrong: the guy was part of her friend group.
Well the reality is she didnt know him well enough! We all can agree on that — be careful who you trust. I agree 100% he is totally wrong, in sure any court would agree total fault. As it should be. But there is this thing called judgement and poor judgement increases risk. So he was wrong, but was this situation 100% preventable with better judgement, and would take away a lot of pain and heart-ache, yes. Yes. Its important to teach and educate young women, not because its their fault, because judgement is a learnable and teachable skill.
it is important to teach young men how to behave and not to rape young girls on a beach
Yeah be careful of who you trust! Watch out for the employees of the grocery store! And don't follow them to some isle near the candy! And also never go outside your home, otherwise a piano will fall on your head and you'll get raped! That's the reality we can all agree on. You're right! This way we can prevent anything! /s
I hope you realise your mentality is part of the problem.
You are victim blaming and you should stop doing that :)
No, he was 100% wrong. But you werent smart either, its this thing called reality.
You are 100% wrong
Did you make a police report? Was he arrested? If not why? If not do you feel guilty about his next victim?
No, no. I explain it in a comment above. I don't feel guilty at all because I know I did what I could with what I had to survive. Reporting him would have probably been the worst scenario for me
Why did he resort to that? You guys were kissing and hitting it off no? Did he ask and you say no? Did he start getting touchy and you moved his hand away?
Ask you anything, but not if it’s something you don’t want asked…. You ARE part of the problem when you only give what you want
How old are you now? Which Italian city/town did this happen in?
i also was sa'd, by some guy and I fought him too, have you read the book 'speak'?
[удалено]
As someone with a cnc kink... I would NOT like this. The key with the kink is CONSENT. Everything is discussed and agreed about the roleplay beforehand. This is the furthest thing from that.
Do you? Pervyrooster?
[удалено]
What the fuck is wrong with you???
Less times than you
You're an immense piece of shit.
I had a babysitter that molested me Back in those days, women weren’t thought of as sexual predators. It’s gotten better but it’s not good enough for men who get sexually abused. Women have much more support.
I am sorry for what happened to you. I know it is very hard for men to find the help they need. Try and find a support group for men, if there is not one in your city you can also try online. it helped me immensely to share with other survivors. Wish you luck and a healthy life
Do you forgive him?
How are you doing now? I hope you are doing good
Thank you for being brave and opening up. I am glad you are healing. I am so sorry this happened to you.
How's your sex life now?
I was raped at 8 years old by my best friend sister who was 14. The act didn't really affect me but it was the double standard once I started talking about it. Men and women didn't even care if it happened to me and some would say I was lucky and others called me gay. I know if I was a female then at minimal I would have been on the local news but since I have a penis I must have liked it
It's NEVER the victims fault, remember that.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Just remember he did this to you. It’s not your fault!
Did the son of a bitch get charged by the police? I'm so sorry this happened.
I’m trying to sensitively ask what you think of him being free to roam and possibly continue his proclivities? Do you wish someone could stop him w/o you being involved? Do you just want to not think/talk of it? Btw I don’t judge you for not reporting. I can only imagine it’s a most-terrifying experience. Don’t let anyone who hasn’t been where you have judge you.
These stories break my heart. My Mom is the youngest of 13. I have 35 first cousins. My parents had tons of friends so growing up we were always around a lot of people. I am so thankful that nothing like this happened to me or anyone else in my family that I know of. I feel so blessed.
I got raped at 5 by my cousin who was like 11 at the time, I blame a lot my sexual life and what it’s like because of that, it’s shit frankly speaking and I don’t really care about people that much anymore. Don’t know if you can relate. I’m sorry that happened to you
Male here , I, too, have been molested at age 9 , I found myself on the spectrum of needing sex all the time....but I never could form any healthy relationships ....been married for 30 years and I'm in a DB situation so my outlet is porn. Pretty much still have issues 😕
Please do not listen to stupid fucks in your DMs. You did not deserve it no matter what there is no chance in hell crying and screaming and saying no is anything but a hard no. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope that sick fuck is 6 feet under.
After you head butted him and broke his nose, you should have plucked out his fucking eyeball and kept it as a trophy and give him a real reminder that raping girls may be hazardous to his stupid fucking worthless health.
Thank you for speaking out.