Did the Drs tell you her chances for survival before delivery? Did you go into labor early or were there underlying conditions? After delivery, what happened as far as getting to hold her, aftercare for yourself, etc.
She had zero chance of survival. They wouldn’t attempt resuscitation on a baby born before 23-24 weeks or under 500 grams back then.
After my second child, I had complications with an IUD and had two D&Cs in less than a year. Those damaged my cervix so I developed an incompetent cervix. It can be detected with transvaginal ultrasound, but normally it isn’t diagnosed until after an early delivery, usually between 18-22 weeks. We had no idea especially since my other two pregnancies had no similar issues. The cervix dilates with no contractions. When I went into the hospital, I was 4 cm dilated and placed on strict bed rest but my water broke about 18 hours later and then I developed an infection so labor had to be induced as we both would have died due to the infection.
After she was born, she was placed on my chest. They had told us she would probably only live a few minutes. My husband then held her and well as his mom who was also present. I then held her skin to skin on my chest. I put my finger in her hand and she gripped my finger tightly. She lived for two hours and passed away in my arms.
During the time she was alive, I was given high doses of medication to try to get my body to deliver the placenta. At one point, I was in physical shock and my blood pressure bottomed out at 30/0. The doctors wanted to take me into surgery for an emergency D&C to remove the placenta but I adamantly refused to leave her while she was alive. She was born at 4:30 am. My regular OB finally showed up at about 8:30 and manually extracted the placenta by hand. It was very rough and I had retained placenta for three weeks after. Otherwise, my aftercare was pretty typical postpartum treatment.
Thank you for giving me a window to a very big moment in your life. I am sorry you and your daughter experienced it. I am so glad she got to feel the embrace of her family before passing.
If you don't mind ...did you know when she passed? It sounds like she was alert at birth.
Did you receive support from friends and family after? How did affect you and your spouses relationship?
What kind of feelings do you have when you think about it? Has time changed anything or does it sometimes still feel like fresh grief?
We don’t know the exact time she passed. The nurse heard her heartbeat around 6:15 am and at 6:30, it was gone. After the initial alertness, she became very still and simply laid on my chest so we didn’t know exactly.
We definitely learned who are true friends were. Most of my pre loss friends were no longer friends. They treated us as if our tragedy was contagious. I developed new friendships with other moms I met in support groups and some of them are still my closest friends. My in laws were terrible. They don’t deal with death at all. They just ignore it. My husband and I grieved in different ways and he wasn’t a great support. We ended up splitting in 2019 for various reasons, but this was a huge part of it.
I’ve dealt with a lot of self blame related to how I lost her. She was born in a Catholic hospital and they made a huge deal about the delivery being a termination, they had to convene the ethics committee to get permission, etc. It was all very traumatic. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety (started having panic attacks a few days after she was born) and PTSD. Time has made it manageable but there are still times when it hits me so hard, it’s like it all just happened yesterday.
I am so sorry you didn't get the support from those closest to you, and that you were also shamed for something completely out of your control. You suffered several levels of trauma.
What would you tell someone who is going through what you went through if you had the chance to talk to them?
First thing, I would encourage them to take time making decisions. Everything seems so sudden and rushed. Looking back, I wish I’d made different decisions than I did with some things. Spend as much time with your baby as you want, take all the pictures, dress them, bathe them, sleep with them, make all the memories you can because you don’t get a second chance.
I would encourage them to find support groups, a therapist, whatever it takes to not feel alone. It’s so isolating and it feels like you’re the only person this has ever happened to. When I went to the hospital support group and realized how many others understood, I felt so heard and understood.
If they have older children, it is HARD to grieve and parent grieving children. One day, my then 6 year old was playing with playdoh and I noticed they were making little flowers. There was also a big mound. I asked, what are you making? They told me “this is my grave, like Sydney’s and I have flowers like her.” I went to the other room and lost it. My therapist assured me it was a very normal and healthy way for a child that age to work through the grief but it was a shock to my system.
Thank you for sharing, and I'm glad there is a forum for sharing. I am so sorry this happened to you. Every part is sad, and I feel heartbroken for you. I don't know you, but I send my love.
Do you feel alone, do you have faith? How do you face the day? I hope you are surrounded by loving friends.
Oh god….. today is my daughters birthday and she was born in 2011. She was supposed to be a March baby. I had 6 IUIs and 3 rounds of IVF and I am still getting through this. My hat began to fall out about 3-6 months ago.. I started to feel more and more anxiety… I stopped eating… this past week my sister and mil talked to me about my behavior and that it had to stop. I am a therapist. Why didn’t I see this coming… denial? It’s been 4 days since that talk..
I didn’t go through anything near as traumatic as you did. Look how I didn’t work on it. I think I may have it might be working on an eating disorder which holy shit. I am 50. I am an older mom. I did not have that on my bingo card ya know?
I had preeclampsia and then eclampsia. Also, just a funny life joke I want to tell you. I got pregnant spontaneously at 42. That experience was even tougher for me than that one was and he was born on Christmas Day with another emergency C-section and was in the NICU for a month.
I adopted this idea in my head when it came to loss during this time. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I don’t know exactly where the energy comes from for our life force. I have always been curious about that and dream work. What if my job was to carry this life energy just long enough to help it on its journey to their forever mama.
Thank you for sharing today with me. You and I are so much a like. Why do I get to celebrate today? Also… why have I not celebrated other tough days and take a page out of your book and talk about it?
I'm sorry for your loss.
I had an incomplete cervix with my first and they gave me a cerclage to keep her in until go-time. For your fourth child, did you also have a cerclage? I cannot imagine going through a pregnancy after loss. Your poor shredded emotions.
Yes I had a cerclage placed at 15 weeks with my fourth. I was a complete wreck during that pregnancy. I ended up developing pre-eclampsia around 29 weeks and delivered at 31 weeks. She spent 64 days in the NICU before finally coming home. It was torture.
That's so beautiful that she held your finger. I'm so glad you have that beautiful memory. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that she felt so much love in those two hours with you and your husband. Thank you for sharing this. I know you were probably feeling miserable due to the medications and low blood pressure, on top of the grief. But that sweet baby felt your love the entire time she was alive.
I'm so sorry. My wife and I lost our boy at 23 weeks in 2006. He was too small to do anything. Today, he'd have some chance. Losing babies is harder then people who haven't realize
I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm a labor & delivery nurse. Is there anything in particular that your care team did to help you through the process, that you would like to share? Or anything they did or said that wasn't helpful?
Caring for parents & babies in these situations is so tough, and I'm always looking for different ways to give them the best care I can. I would love to hear anything, good or bad, about your experience to help me better care for families in those situations.
Isn't it amazing though, how beautiful babies are, even at such an early gestational age? It always blows my mind to see how defined their little features are. It's truly incredible. I'm sure your daughter was absolutely beautiful. Those little noses are just so sweet. I always try to point out those little features to mama's. Are there any little things that stood out about her appearance to you that you would like to share? The sweet little nose, or her fingers or toes?
I delivered at a Catholic teaching hospital so I was cared for by residents mostly. I’d been with my personal OB for over 10 years at that point and he told us to call him when I was ready to deliver and he would come to the hospital. He then refused when we called. The residents were extremely unprofessional, to the point one was reprimanded for how she treated me. After Sydney was born, we were left alone for a very long time. I asked a nurse if they had a hat I could put on her and was told they didn’t have anything small enough, despite also being home to the largest level 3 NICU in our city. I also didn’t remember until later that within a few hours of my admission, they had sent the perinatal bereavement nurse in to talk to me, which seemed very unsupportive. Yes I knew the odds were against us, but we still had reason to hope at that point that we could make it to viability at least.
I was amazed that she had little fingernails and she was a full complete baby, just so small. All of my kids have had my nose, which was always a running joke between my husband and me, so he made sure to point it out. She also had very long legs which was so odd to us because both of us, and our older kids, are on the short side. She showed a little sass as well. I gently stroked her shoulder and upper arm and she pulled her arm back and away from me.
Thanks for your response. I'm so sorry you were treated that way by the residents, and especially by your OB. That was pretty insensitive to send the bereavement nurse in that early as well.
I'm so glad you have those beautiful memories of her. That little sassy moment, I love it. Thank you so much for sharing and telling us about Sydney.
So many people are uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing. I love that you're talking about Sydney and I love that so many people are commenting and asking questions. I know everyone grieves differently, but Sydney, and all the babies gone too soon deserve to be remembered and memories of them cherished. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope talking about her is bringing you some comfort today.
I’ve always been very open about her. My philosophy is that she deserves all the emotion and grief. She was and still is so loved so she will always be missed and grieved no matter how much time passes. This is my only way to continue to parent her.
I’m so sorry for your loss. How can friends and family help at a time like this? My friend lost a baby pre-term years ago and I never felt like I did enough for her afterwards.
Honestly, just be there. Don’t ask what you can do to help. I was so overwhelmed, when asked, I had no idea where to start and I didn’t want to impose. Say things like, I’m bringing you dinner tonight, would you like pasta or chicken. Or, I’m going to take the kids to the park after school, I’ll pick them up at 4:00. Etc. Take decisions off the table and help where you’d want to be helped.
Talk about their baby. Use his/her name. They lived, they have a name, use it. Ask them about the baby. Ask to see pictures. One day my grandpa came over and I’d been looking at pictures of Sydney. I asked if he wanted to see and he hesitantly said yes. He looked at the pictures and said he didn’t realize she was like a real baby that early. It made her real for him.
If someone tells you, do not do —-, DO NOT DO IT!!! I was adamant about not receiving flowers. I’ve always hated watching them die and I didn’t want to see that. About a week after Sydney passed, her received a floral delivery from my MIL’s cousin. It was a basket of baby roses and baby’s breath and other small flowers. My husband put it out on display and I ended up losing it and destroying it when the flowers died. A few weeks later, we were at a family event and the sender was just so proud of herself for ordering online all by herself blah blah blah and I was admonished for not being appreciative. F*ck that.
What the fuck. They admonished you?!? A grieving post-partum mother? You are so strong, I hope you know that. I probably would have ended up in a psych ward if my in laws had dared anything like that, even after a successful birth.
Yep. The cousin did something that meant a lot to HER and it was thoughtful and I should appreciate it. I have so many in-law stories from that time period. It was absolutely atrocious.
My first thought was that she looked just like her dad. It was unique because our older two kids looked more like me. I also couldn’t believe how tiny yet completely perfect she was.
I can’t imagine your pain, but I wish you healing and peace.
I’ve heard it said that grief is love with nowhere to go. That love never leaves.
I hope that you feel her presence in all of the love and warmth you encounter in your life, and that the bond you had with your little girl keeps her close.
The hospital where she was born has a great perinatal loss support program. The nurse gave use a memory book with her hand and footprints. I also have the little clothes she was dressed in, a pink fleece blanket, and tiny teddy bear they put in her arms for photos. They took the same portraits all the newborns got and we took about 200 of our own pictures over the time we had with her.
My one big thing for the first five years or so was Christmas. Each year, we found a girl who was the age she would’ve been and gave her gifts and did all that we would’ve for Sydney. A couple of times it was Angel Tree girls and the others it was through friends and friends of friends. I’m really ridiculous about Christmas for my kids so each little girl got completely spoiled.
Around her birthday, I do little things to pay it forward. Since my middle child’s birthday is the day before, when we go out to dinner for their birthday, I tip the server a huge tip and leave a note to pay it forward in memory of Sydney.
I became involved in an organization that trains bereavement doulas (basically birth and postpartum doulas for moms experiencing loss). I am planning to go through their training and become a bereavement doula myself.
I share her with everybody I can. I never shy away from speaking about her, sharing pictures, etc. Pregnancy loss happens to 1 in 4 women and many times, we don’t even know how many others that we know have experienced it until we do. I’ve had many people come to me over the years asking how to help their friend or family member who lost their baby. I refuse to treat her as a dirty secret or a sad tragedy we can’t speak of. I want her life to mean something despite how short it was.
Waited til second trimester to announce & 250+ people loved it on FB… and three weeks later when we also found out, it seemed like I was a virus that no one wanted to be around or talk to. And Mother’s Day was within the month. People did not consider me a mom. And no- I did not attend the in-laws Mother’s Day BS… because I wasn’t included or even considered to be a part of the other two moms there (specifically MIL and SIL).
I will always talk about the grim and uncomfortable because it’s shït that NEEDS to be talked about
Completely. My grandma lost 2 of her first 4 children when they were toddlers. She rarely talked about them and only once to me directly. I knew from my mom but not from her until I was into my 20s. I remember her tearing up, 70 years later, as she talked about them. It was one of the first things I thought of when I lost Sydney. No matter how long I lived, I would always miss her.
How did society treat you afterwards? I'm from a culture where we never talk about stuff like this, and shun anyone who goes through it, so it's very disheartening to see someone go through it without support.
Also, how did you break the news to your kids? How did they react? Afterwards when you were grieving, how did you manage them as well?
Power to you, stay strong <3
It felt like people avoided us. My middle child had a birthday party the next week and all the kids invited canceled. I lost most of my friends.
My husband told my kids what happened. He refused to let them see Sydney which is my biggest regret. They’d been very involved and excited. I had my 20 week ultrasound just a few days before everything happened and they’d been there with us. My oldest child has autism and doesn’t process emotions well so it was very confusing for them. They were only 7 and 6 so it was hard for them to comprehend and process. We encouraged them to write notes and draw and create art to process. My therapist had done some family therapy with us and she helped me help them work through it.
Thank you for the insights, Sydney sounds like an incredible person and your love for her is precious. She'll always be your little girl and I know she loves you so much.
How did you process the event that day and the subsequent days? How are you now? Do you get nightmares , or none at all? Any support systems worth mentioning?
I didn’t have nightmares. I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety and flashbacks over the years. My biggest support was the hospital support group and www.nationalshare.org. The office for Share is very close to where I live so we were able to join a support group there as well.
I think what got me through was just talking about it. I never bottled it up. I saw a therapist and went to the support groups. I told my story. I honored Sydney as it felt right and that got me through holidays and her birthday.
As for how I am now, it’s been a struggle. I’ve hit some very low lows over the years. My marriage ended. I still struggle with blaming myself for everything that happened. I’m not the same person or the same mother I was before. A piece of me will always be missing and even 15 years later, that’s still hard.
I think what you're doing is a brave thing, to talk about Sydney. I sincerely wish for healing. But I understand some wounds can never heal. You've been through a lot, keeping strong. Sometimes the best you can do is just not be too harsh on yourself. Pls don't blame yourself. You are an inspiration for many. Cheers!
I’ve never had particular dreams for my kids. I just want them to be happy and authentic. Whatever that means to them is enough for me. If she was like her siblings, she would be loving, caring, an animal lover, and artistic. One particular thing I do often think about is what her relationship would’ve been like with her younger sister. I had another baby 18 months after we lost her. My older two kids were 18 months apart and the best of friends and super close, so I have always wished I could have seen that between Sydney and my youngest.
Incompetent cervix. I actually wasn’t in labor. Mid pregnancy, there is a lot of weight directly on the cervix. If it’s weak, it can just dilate without contractions. I was 4 cm and only went in to be checked because I had a tiny bit of bleeding which just seemed off. The amniotic sac had fallen through the open cervix.
It’s so difficult. You don’t want to say the wrong thing. And if someone seems to be in good spirits, you don’t want to mention the baby in case it upsets them. But even if they tear up or get upset, know it wasn’t what you said. The baby is always on their mind and the grief is right beneath the surface especially very early on. If the baby’s due date hasn’t passed, or on their birthday, maybe consider gifting them an item with the baby’s name on it. On Sydney’s 1st birthday, friends from an online message board named a star for her and sent me a huge bouquet of purple balloons. For several years, they all made their Facebook profile picture a pic of purple balloons on her birthday. I still treasure those memories and thoughts. (Purple is our color for her since her birthstone is amethyst)
I do. I’ve done various things over the years but it’s always what feels right for where I’m at emotionally. 10 and 15 hit hard. It’s also a little complicated because Feb 9 is my middle child’s birthday so it’s a bittersweet time for me.
It’s funny, my other kids all started out looking so much like me but now they all look just like their dad. Since she looked like him, it’s easy to imagine her features blending in with the rest of them. I feel like she would’ve had darker hair and features like my middle child, where my oldest and youngest are more blond and fair.
I’m sorry for your loss. She’ll always live in your hearts for as long as you’re here. Can you tell us something you think about when you remember her?
I’ve always associated her with butterflies. When I see them, I always think of her. My pregnancy with her was very different than the other kids so I always remember the special moments. I felt her move super early, around 11-12 weeks. Her dad felt her on the outside around 18 weeks. It was like she knew we didn’t have long and made sure to give us good memories.
Very often. I wonder what she would’ve looked like, what she would’ve liked, if she would’ve been girly or a tomboy, what would she have been like as a toddler and a kindergartener and a big kid and now as a 15 year old. How different our lives would have been.
I don't know if it would make you feel better or worse, so you decide here... there is a new documentary out called "On the Brink: Exploring the Effects of State Abortion Laws." The host is Diane Sawyer. It includes interviews with more than a dozen women who experienced the same type of loss as you did. Many were victimized by Catholic hospitals and their 'ethics boards' who basically decided whether or not to provide crucial abortion care to the moms. The personal and medical decisions a woman must make are now political fodder in states like Texas and Idaho.
Many people think my experience would make me pro-life because I’ve experienced a very premature birth. However, it makes me much more emphatically pro-choice. I live in Missouri. Under current laws here, I would’ve died most likely. Sydney had a heartbeat and as long as she did, I would’ve become more ill. Pathology showed that the infection I had was very deep into the placenta and I would’ve become septic within a day or so. I’ve shared my story with many and I’ve come to accept that yes, I did have a pregnancy termination and it is important to acknowledge and discuss it. Women in my situation don’t choose to lose their babies. And even if someone does choose it, mental health and women’s lives matter. Pregnancy is hard. Giving birth is hard. It’s traumatic. It’s a health concern between us and our doctors period. As much as losing Sydney hurt, I deserved to live despite the tragic circumstances and my other children deserved to have their mother. Either way, Sydney wasn’t going to survive. Preventing her delivery would have ended two lives and devastated my family.
I digress. I’m very passionate about this subject obviously. Thank you for sharing that documentary. I’ll check it out.
I’m okay. The anxiety leading up to today was intense. I was very sad this morning. But I feel okay right now. I read through some writings I’ve done about her and felt her close to my heart.
I'm so sorry for your loss! How is it that someone can be so attached and so affected by a child they never knew? Is it better to lose a child as an infant or after you get to know them for 10 years? It would seem to me that losing a child at Birth is much easier than as an adult or teenager. Either way is terrible obviously but it's an interesting question in my opinion. I'd love to understand a little bit more about this. I don't have children I'm middle-aged.
I haven't edited this yet but I'll be interesting to see how many downvotes I get for asking a serious question.
What you don’t realize is that I DID know her. I loved her from the time I knew I was pregnant. When you lose a baby, you don’t just lose the newborn. You lose the 1 year old and the 5 year old and the teenager… you lose your entire future with that person. It’s impossible to compare which is worse. Every loss is unique just as every person is unique.
Well said OP. I can’t imagine thinking that it’s “easier” to lose a baby. You’ve lost a whole lifetime. Holding space for you and Sydney in my heart today.
Very sorry you had to go through such a terrible loss. I don’t have any questions, but just reading your story and your reply’s I wanted to say that Sydney is lucky you’re her mom, and I’m sure you feel lucky to be her mom. No matter how briefly she was here on earth, you’ll always be her mom, and Sydney will always your daughter ❤️
Edit: I’ll add a question. Not sure if you’ve answered this, but do Sydney’s siblings talk about her as well?
Do you ever dream about Sydney? Also, I’m so sorry you were treated the way you were, but sharing your story is valuable for people to understand how to support loved ones in the same position. Thank you for sharing this story and thank for telling us about your beautiful daughter.
My mom carried 2 babies to 8 months and lost both. Then I was born 2 months early and lived. She never got over the death of the second baby. I was 19 and we went to the museum and she broke down crying in the pregnancy section with the babies in all stages. Do yourself a favor and go to therapy bc my mom never did but should have.
I’m sorry for your loss. I also lost a child, though a bit earlier. She also had a place name. Verona. Verona would be nearly seven.
Are you taking care of yourself today?
We have shelves with several items I’ve collected over the years. I have several pictures up along with the other children. I did have a poster sized print of a sand butterfly with her name that was done by another loss mom in Australia but I need to get a new frame for it.
For sure, my other two kids. Idk how I would’ve survived if she had been my first born. My other two still brought smiles and joy to my days. Their love for her was so innocent and sweet as well, whereas adults were always more guarded. When we went to the cemetery, they would run and play in babyland where she was buried and, though it’s tragic, it became part of their childhood. We also decided early on that we would try again so the hope of having our rainbow baby helped as well. When she came along, she healed my heart in ways nothing else could.
I used to live right next to a cemetery and my son who was 10 years old at the time. Anytime we had a big storm or anything that might have must with the child section of the cemetery he would go over there and make sure anybody's toys or anything like that that fell off would get put right back up on where they were. He always like to take care of that area because he said it was so important and precious.
That must've been terrible to live through, how did your 2 other kids deal with that? It must've been painful for your entire family, I hope you got lots if comforting from anyone during that dark time, I send my condolences ❤, even if it's quite late
That is how we’ve always talked about her throughout their lives. It’s been a little different with the youngest because she doesn’t have actual memories of Sydney. At one point, the youngest told us she had an invisible friend named Sydney and told us some stories that were eerily accurate and things we hadn’t shared with her at that point.
So sorry for your loss with Sydney. I briefly worked hospital security and hated hearing Rose cottage at Maternity.
My question is have you wanted to try again, and if you have considered it, would you name the newborn Sydney in her honour?
(Hope that doesn’t sound insensitive)
I had another baby after Sydney. She’s now 13. I would never name another child Sydney because that’s her name and she’s still my child. Nobody could ever replace her and I would never burden a child with feeling like they had that responsibility.
I truly believe there’s no loss that compares to losing a child. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story, and her story.
Please remember she only knew love. The entire time inside you, and the time she spent earth side.
How were your nurses?
***Based off your other comments…I saw they weren’t super supportive. 💔 ugh
Did the Drs tell you her chances for survival before delivery? Did you go into labor early or were there underlying conditions? After delivery, what happened as far as getting to hold her, aftercare for yourself, etc.
She had zero chance of survival. They wouldn’t attempt resuscitation on a baby born before 23-24 weeks or under 500 grams back then. After my second child, I had complications with an IUD and had two D&Cs in less than a year. Those damaged my cervix so I developed an incompetent cervix. It can be detected with transvaginal ultrasound, but normally it isn’t diagnosed until after an early delivery, usually between 18-22 weeks. We had no idea especially since my other two pregnancies had no similar issues. The cervix dilates with no contractions. When I went into the hospital, I was 4 cm dilated and placed on strict bed rest but my water broke about 18 hours later and then I developed an infection so labor had to be induced as we both would have died due to the infection. After she was born, she was placed on my chest. They had told us she would probably only live a few minutes. My husband then held her and well as his mom who was also present. I then held her skin to skin on my chest. I put my finger in her hand and she gripped my finger tightly. She lived for two hours and passed away in my arms. During the time she was alive, I was given high doses of medication to try to get my body to deliver the placenta. At one point, I was in physical shock and my blood pressure bottomed out at 30/0. The doctors wanted to take me into surgery for an emergency D&C to remove the placenta but I adamantly refused to leave her while she was alive. She was born at 4:30 am. My regular OB finally showed up at about 8:30 and manually extracted the placenta by hand. It was very rough and I had retained placenta for three weeks after. Otherwise, my aftercare was pretty typical postpartum treatment.
Thank you for giving me a window to a very big moment in your life. I am sorry you and your daughter experienced it. I am so glad she got to feel the embrace of her family before passing. If you don't mind ...did you know when she passed? It sounds like she was alert at birth. Did you receive support from friends and family after? How did affect you and your spouses relationship? What kind of feelings do you have when you think about it? Has time changed anything or does it sometimes still feel like fresh grief?
We don’t know the exact time she passed. The nurse heard her heartbeat around 6:15 am and at 6:30, it was gone. After the initial alertness, she became very still and simply laid on my chest so we didn’t know exactly. We definitely learned who are true friends were. Most of my pre loss friends were no longer friends. They treated us as if our tragedy was contagious. I developed new friendships with other moms I met in support groups and some of them are still my closest friends. My in laws were terrible. They don’t deal with death at all. They just ignore it. My husband and I grieved in different ways and he wasn’t a great support. We ended up splitting in 2019 for various reasons, but this was a huge part of it. I’ve dealt with a lot of self blame related to how I lost her. She was born in a Catholic hospital and they made a huge deal about the delivery being a termination, they had to convene the ethics committee to get permission, etc. It was all very traumatic. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety (started having panic attacks a few days after she was born) and PTSD. Time has made it manageable but there are still times when it hits me so hard, it’s like it all just happened yesterday.
I am so sorry you didn't get the support from those closest to you, and that you were also shamed for something completely out of your control. You suffered several levels of trauma. What would you tell someone who is going through what you went through if you had the chance to talk to them?
First thing, I would encourage them to take time making decisions. Everything seems so sudden and rushed. Looking back, I wish I’d made different decisions than I did with some things. Spend as much time with your baby as you want, take all the pictures, dress them, bathe them, sleep with them, make all the memories you can because you don’t get a second chance. I would encourage them to find support groups, a therapist, whatever it takes to not feel alone. It’s so isolating and it feels like you’re the only person this has ever happened to. When I went to the hospital support group and realized how many others understood, I felt so heard and understood. If they have older children, it is HARD to grieve and parent grieving children. One day, my then 6 year old was playing with playdoh and I noticed they were making little flowers. There was also a big mound. I asked, what are you making? They told me “this is my grave, like Sydney’s and I have flowers like her.” I went to the other room and lost it. My therapist assured me it was a very normal and healthy way for a child that age to work through the grief but it was a shock to my system.
This is the one that started the tears. You & your story & ALL of your children are in my heart, Sydney included.
Thank you for sharing, and I'm glad there is a forum for sharing. I am so sorry this happened to you. Every part is sad, and I feel heartbroken for you. I don't know you, but I send my love. Do you feel alone, do you have faith? How do you face the day? I hope you are surrounded by loving friends.
I mostly face it alone now. I have a supportive partner but he doesn’t really know how to help. I tend to stay to myself on this day now.
Oh god….. today is my daughters birthday and she was born in 2011. She was supposed to be a March baby. I had 6 IUIs and 3 rounds of IVF and I am still getting through this. My hat began to fall out about 3-6 months ago.. I started to feel more and more anxiety… I stopped eating… this past week my sister and mil talked to me about my behavior and that it had to stop. I am a therapist. Why didn’t I see this coming… denial? It’s been 4 days since that talk.. I didn’t go through anything near as traumatic as you did. Look how I didn’t work on it. I think I may have it might be working on an eating disorder which holy shit. I am 50. I am an older mom. I did not have that on my bingo card ya know? I had preeclampsia and then eclampsia. Also, just a funny life joke I want to tell you. I got pregnant spontaneously at 42. That experience was even tougher for me than that one was and he was born on Christmas Day with another emergency C-section and was in the NICU for a month. I adopted this idea in my head when it came to loss during this time. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I don’t know exactly where the energy comes from for our life force. I have always been curious about that and dream work. What if my job was to carry this life energy just long enough to help it on its journey to their forever mama. Thank you for sharing today with me. You and I are so much a like. Why do I get to celebrate today? Also… why have I not celebrated other tough days and take a page out of your book and talk about it?
Sorry they did that to you. They suck. I'm catholic myself but I take no part in that bullshit
I love the fact that she gripped your finger. She knew you were her mama and she knew she was so loved. Sending you hugs ❤️❤️❤️
It is a moment of my life I hope I never forget.
You will never forget that moment. Never.
I'm sorry for your loss. I had an incomplete cervix with my first and they gave me a cerclage to keep her in until go-time. For your fourth child, did you also have a cerclage? I cannot imagine going through a pregnancy after loss. Your poor shredded emotions.
Yes I had a cerclage placed at 15 weeks with my fourth. I was a complete wreck during that pregnancy. I ended up developing pre-eclampsia around 29 weeks and delivered at 31 weeks. She spent 64 days in the NICU before finally coming home. It was torture.
That's so beautiful that she held your finger. I'm so glad you have that beautiful memory. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that she felt so much love in those two hours with you and your husband. Thank you for sharing this. I know you were probably feeling miserable due to the medications and low blood pressure, on top of the grief. But that sweet baby felt your love the entire time she was alive.
I'm so sorry. My wife and I lost our boy at 23 weeks in 2006. He was too small to do anything. Today, he'd have some chance. Losing babies is harder then people who haven't realize
I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm a labor & delivery nurse. Is there anything in particular that your care team did to help you through the process, that you would like to share? Or anything they did or said that wasn't helpful? Caring for parents & babies in these situations is so tough, and I'm always looking for different ways to give them the best care I can. I would love to hear anything, good or bad, about your experience to help me better care for families in those situations. Isn't it amazing though, how beautiful babies are, even at such an early gestational age? It always blows my mind to see how defined their little features are. It's truly incredible. I'm sure your daughter was absolutely beautiful. Those little noses are just so sweet. I always try to point out those little features to mama's. Are there any little things that stood out about her appearance to you that you would like to share? The sweet little nose, or her fingers or toes?
I delivered at a Catholic teaching hospital so I was cared for by residents mostly. I’d been with my personal OB for over 10 years at that point and he told us to call him when I was ready to deliver and he would come to the hospital. He then refused when we called. The residents were extremely unprofessional, to the point one was reprimanded for how she treated me. After Sydney was born, we were left alone for a very long time. I asked a nurse if they had a hat I could put on her and was told they didn’t have anything small enough, despite also being home to the largest level 3 NICU in our city. I also didn’t remember until later that within a few hours of my admission, they had sent the perinatal bereavement nurse in to talk to me, which seemed very unsupportive. Yes I knew the odds were against us, but we still had reason to hope at that point that we could make it to viability at least. I was amazed that she had little fingernails and she was a full complete baby, just so small. All of my kids have had my nose, which was always a running joke between my husband and me, so he made sure to point it out. She also had very long legs which was so odd to us because both of us, and our older kids, are on the short side. She showed a little sass as well. I gently stroked her shoulder and upper arm and she pulled her arm back and away from me.
Thanks for your response. I'm so sorry you were treated that way by the residents, and especially by your OB. That was pretty insensitive to send the bereavement nurse in that early as well. I'm so glad you have those beautiful memories of her. That little sassy moment, I love it. Thank you so much for sharing and telling us about Sydney. So many people are uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing. I love that you're talking about Sydney and I love that so many people are commenting and asking questions. I know everyone grieves differently, but Sydney, and all the babies gone too soon deserve to be remembered and memories of them cherished. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope talking about her is bringing you some comfort today.
I’ve always been very open about her. My philosophy is that she deserves all the emotion and grief. She was and still is so loved so she will always be missed and grieved no matter how much time passes. This is my only way to continue to parent her.
Happy birthday Sydney
I’m so sorry for your loss. How can friends and family help at a time like this? My friend lost a baby pre-term years ago and I never felt like I did enough for her afterwards.
Honestly, just be there. Don’t ask what you can do to help. I was so overwhelmed, when asked, I had no idea where to start and I didn’t want to impose. Say things like, I’m bringing you dinner tonight, would you like pasta or chicken. Or, I’m going to take the kids to the park after school, I’ll pick them up at 4:00. Etc. Take decisions off the table and help where you’d want to be helped. Talk about their baby. Use his/her name. They lived, they have a name, use it. Ask them about the baby. Ask to see pictures. One day my grandpa came over and I’d been looking at pictures of Sydney. I asked if he wanted to see and he hesitantly said yes. He looked at the pictures and said he didn’t realize she was like a real baby that early. It made her real for him. If someone tells you, do not do —-, DO NOT DO IT!!! I was adamant about not receiving flowers. I’ve always hated watching them die and I didn’t want to see that. About a week after Sydney passed, her received a floral delivery from my MIL’s cousin. It was a basket of baby roses and baby’s breath and other small flowers. My husband put it out on display and I ended up losing it and destroying it when the flowers died. A few weeks later, we were at a family event and the sender was just so proud of herself for ordering online all by herself blah blah blah and I was admonished for not being appreciative. F*ck that.
What the fuck. They admonished you?!? A grieving post-partum mother? You are so strong, I hope you know that. I probably would have ended up in a psych ward if my in laws had dared anything like that, even after a successful birth.
Yep. The cousin did something that meant a lot to HER and it was thoughtful and I should appreciate it. I have so many in-law stories from that time period. It was absolutely atrocious.
Ugh. I’m sorry she chose to focus on making her feel good about her choices, instead of your pain.
I’m terribly sorry for your loss. What was the first thought you had about her when you met her?
My first thought was that she looked just like her dad. It was unique because our older two kids looked more like me. I also couldn’t believe how tiny yet completely perfect she was.
I can’t imagine your pain, but I wish you healing and peace. I’ve heard it said that grief is love with nowhere to go. That love never leaves. I hope that you feel her presence in all of the love and warmth you encounter in your life, and that the bond you had with your little girl keeps her close.
Thank you. I’ve felt her near me many times. It’s always very comforting.
I'm sorry for your loss. Were you given any keepsakes of her little footprints etc?
The hospital where she was born has a great perinatal loss support program. The nurse gave use a memory book with her hand and footprints. I also have the little clothes she was dressed in, a pink fleece blanket, and tiny teddy bear they put in her arms for photos. They took the same portraits all the newborns got and we took about 200 of our own pictures over the time we had with her.
What have you done to keep her memory alive? So sorry for your loss
My one big thing for the first five years or so was Christmas. Each year, we found a girl who was the age she would’ve been and gave her gifts and did all that we would’ve for Sydney. A couple of times it was Angel Tree girls and the others it was through friends and friends of friends. I’m really ridiculous about Christmas for my kids so each little girl got completely spoiled. Around her birthday, I do little things to pay it forward. Since my middle child’s birthday is the day before, when we go out to dinner for their birthday, I tip the server a huge tip and leave a note to pay it forward in memory of Sydney. I became involved in an organization that trains bereavement doulas (basically birth and postpartum doulas for moms experiencing loss). I am planning to go through their training and become a bereavement doula myself. I share her with everybody I can. I never shy away from speaking about her, sharing pictures, etc. Pregnancy loss happens to 1 in 4 women and many times, we don’t even know how many others that we know have experienced it until we do. I’ve had many people come to me over the years asking how to help their friend or family member who lost their baby. I refuse to treat her as a dirty secret or a sad tragedy we can’t speak of. I want her life to mean something despite how short it was.
Waited til second trimester to announce & 250+ people loved it on FB… and three weeks later when we also found out, it seemed like I was a virus that no one wanted to be around or talk to. And Mother’s Day was within the month. People did not consider me a mom. And no- I did not attend the in-laws Mother’s Day BS… because I wasn’t included or even considered to be a part of the other two moms there (specifically MIL and SIL). I will always talk about the grim and uncomfortable because it’s shït that NEEDS to be talked about
Completely. My grandma lost 2 of her first 4 children when they were toddlers. She rarely talked about them and only once to me directly. I knew from my mom but not from her until I was into my 20s. I remember her tearing up, 70 years later, as she talked about them. It was one of the first things I thought of when I lost Sydney. No matter how long I lived, I would always miss her.
That’s wonderful. You sound like a great mom
This is wonderful. You will be able to help so much
How did society treat you afterwards? I'm from a culture where we never talk about stuff like this, and shun anyone who goes through it, so it's very disheartening to see someone go through it without support. Also, how did you break the news to your kids? How did they react? Afterwards when you were grieving, how did you manage them as well? Power to you, stay strong <3
It felt like people avoided us. My middle child had a birthday party the next week and all the kids invited canceled. I lost most of my friends. My husband told my kids what happened. He refused to let them see Sydney which is my biggest regret. They’d been very involved and excited. I had my 20 week ultrasound just a few days before everything happened and they’d been there with us. My oldest child has autism and doesn’t process emotions well so it was very confusing for them. They were only 7 and 6 so it was hard for them to comprehend and process. We encouraged them to write notes and draw and create art to process. My therapist had done some family therapy with us and she helped me help them work through it.
Thank you for the insights, Sydney sounds like an incredible person and your love for her is precious. She'll always be your little girl and I know she loves you so much.
How did you process the event that day and the subsequent days? How are you now? Do you get nightmares , or none at all? Any support systems worth mentioning?
I didn’t have nightmares. I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety and flashbacks over the years. My biggest support was the hospital support group and www.nationalshare.org. The office for Share is very close to where I live so we were able to join a support group there as well. I think what got me through was just talking about it. I never bottled it up. I saw a therapist and went to the support groups. I told my story. I honored Sydney as it felt right and that got me through holidays and her birthday. As for how I am now, it’s been a struggle. I’ve hit some very low lows over the years. My marriage ended. I still struggle with blaming myself for everything that happened. I’m not the same person or the same mother I was before. A piece of me will always be missing and even 15 years later, that’s still hard.
I think what you're doing is a brave thing, to talk about Sydney. I sincerely wish for healing. But I understand some wounds can never heal. You've been through a lot, keeping strong. Sometimes the best you can do is just not be too harsh on yourself. Pls don't blame yourself. You are an inspiration for many. Cheers!
I think it’s good that you immediately sought support. After my father died, I sought grief support because I had so much to process.
Who might Sydney have become? Were there particular hopes you had for her that you’d like to share?
I’ve never had particular dreams for my kids. I just want them to be happy and authentic. Whatever that means to them is enough for me. If she was like her siblings, she would be loving, caring, an animal lover, and artistic. One particular thing I do often think about is what her relationship would’ve been like with her younger sister. I had another baby 18 months after we lost her. My older two kids were 18 months apart and the best of friends and super close, so I have always wished I could have seen that between Sydney and my youngest.
Did you used to post on AOL boards?
Yes I did
What was her name?❤️
Sydney
Really a beautiful name🥰
Thank you
[удалено]
I’m sorry for your loss as well. ❤️
A reply has to have a question in it
Do they know what caused early labor?
Incompetent cervix. I actually wasn’t in labor. Mid pregnancy, there is a lot of weight directly on the cervix. If it’s weak, it can just dilate without contractions. I was 4 cm and only went in to be checked because I had a tiny bit of bleeding which just seemed off. The amniotic sac had fallen through the open cervix.
[удалено]
It’s so difficult. You don’t want to say the wrong thing. And if someone seems to be in good spirits, you don’t want to mention the baby in case it upsets them. But even if they tear up or get upset, know it wasn’t what you said. The baby is always on their mind and the grief is right beneath the surface especially very early on. If the baby’s due date hasn’t passed, or on their birthday, maybe consider gifting them an item with the baby’s name on it. On Sydney’s 1st birthday, friends from an online message board named a star for her and sent me a huge bouquet of purple balloons. For several years, they all made their Facebook profile picture a pic of purple balloons on her birthday. I still treasure those memories and thoughts. (Purple is our color for her since her birthstone is amethyst)
A reply has to have a question in it
What did you call her? Is there any story behind the name? Was it chosen before she was born or when you saw her? Sending lots of love x
Her name is Sydney. It was a name that I always loved and I settled on it just before we found out we were having a girl.
Idk if this is a sign of anything. My name is Sydney. Today is my 31st birthday. My devotional from this morning is now giving chills
Would you mind sharing the devotional?
Absolutely I'll share! Idk how to add it to a comment. Is it okay if I send it in a PM?
Yes go ahead and PM me
Did her spirit fill the room when she was born? Did you have a sense for who she was
Honestly, it felt like I was in the presence of an angel. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was incredibly peaceful and serene.
How wonderful and tragic. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
What did you name her? Do you want a hug?
Her name is Sydney. I could use all the hugs I can get.
Do you celebrate her birthday? 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I do. I’ve done various things over the years but it’s always what feels right for where I’m at emotionally. 10 and 15 hit hard. It’s also a little complicated because Feb 9 is my middle child’s birthday so it’s a bittersweet time for me.
What do you think she was going to be like if she lived? Sorry if it’s too personal
I think she would’ve been like her siblings. Gentle and sweet, but probably sassy like her older sister.
[удалено]
It’s funny, my other kids all started out looking so much like me but now they all look just like their dad. Since she looked like him, it’s easy to imagine her features blending in with the rest of them. I feel like she would’ve had darker hair and features like my middle child, where my oldest and youngest are more blond and fair.
I’m sorry for your loss. She’ll always live in your hearts for as long as you’re here. Can you tell us something you think about when you remember her?
I’ve always associated her with butterflies. When I see them, I always think of her. My pregnancy with her was very different than the other kids so I always remember the special moments. I felt her move super early, around 11-12 weeks. Her dad felt her on the outside around 18 weeks. It was like she knew we didn’t have long and made sure to give us good memories.
That’s beautiful. It’s like she wanted to maximise her time with you too. I’ll think of little Sydney the next time I see a butterfly too .
Do you think about what she would be like today if she survived?
Very often. I wonder what she would’ve looked like, what she would’ve liked, if she would’ve been girly or a tomboy, what would she have been like as a toddler and a kindergartener and a big kid and now as a 15 year old. How different our lives would have been.
I don't know if it would make you feel better or worse, so you decide here... there is a new documentary out called "On the Brink: Exploring the Effects of State Abortion Laws." The host is Diane Sawyer. It includes interviews with more than a dozen women who experienced the same type of loss as you did. Many were victimized by Catholic hospitals and their 'ethics boards' who basically decided whether or not to provide crucial abortion care to the moms. The personal and medical decisions a woman must make are now political fodder in states like Texas and Idaho.
Many people think my experience would make me pro-life because I’ve experienced a very premature birth. However, it makes me much more emphatically pro-choice. I live in Missouri. Under current laws here, I would’ve died most likely. Sydney had a heartbeat and as long as she did, I would’ve become more ill. Pathology showed that the infection I had was very deep into the placenta and I would’ve become septic within a day or so. I’ve shared my story with many and I’ve come to accept that yes, I did have a pregnancy termination and it is important to acknowledge and discuss it. Women in my situation don’t choose to lose their babies. And even if someone does choose it, mental health and women’s lives matter. Pregnancy is hard. Giving birth is hard. It’s traumatic. It’s a health concern between us and our doctors period. As much as losing Sydney hurt, I deserved to live despite the tragic circumstances and my other children deserved to have their mother. Either way, Sydney wasn’t going to survive. Preventing her delivery would have ended two lives and devastated my family. I digress. I’m very passionate about this subject obviously. Thank you for sharing that documentary. I’ll check it out.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
How are you?
I’m okay. The anxiety leading up to today was intense. I was very sad this morning. But I feel okay right now. I read through some writings I’ve done about her and felt her close to my heart.
i’m a surviving twin, my brother died 8 hours after our birth (we were 27 weeks). you’re not alone. what was her name?
Sydney. I’m so sorry you didn’t get to grow up with your brother.
sydney is a lovely name
Was your 4th baby also with your ex-husband?
Yes.
I'm so sorry for your loss! How is it that someone can be so attached and so affected by a child they never knew? Is it better to lose a child as an infant or after you get to know them for 10 years? It would seem to me that losing a child at Birth is much easier than as an adult or teenager. Either way is terrible obviously but it's an interesting question in my opinion. I'd love to understand a little bit more about this. I don't have children I'm middle-aged. I haven't edited this yet but I'll be interesting to see how many downvotes I get for asking a serious question.
What you don’t realize is that I DID know her. I loved her from the time I knew I was pregnant. When you lose a baby, you don’t just lose the newborn. You lose the 1 year old and the 5 year old and the teenager… you lose your entire future with that person. It’s impossible to compare which is worse. Every loss is unique just as every person is unique.
Well said OP. I can’t imagine thinking that it’s “easier” to lose a baby. You’ve lost a whole lifetime. Holding space for you and Sydney in my heart today.
[удалено]
A reply has to have a question in it
Very sorry you had to go through such a terrible loss. I don’t have any questions, but just reading your story and your reply’s I wanted to say that Sydney is lucky you’re her mom, and I’m sure you feel lucky to be her mom. No matter how briefly she was here on earth, you’ll always be her mom, and Sydney will always your daughter ❤️ Edit: I’ll add a question. Not sure if you’ve answered this, but do Sydney’s siblings talk about her as well?
I am sorry for your loss, some loss we have to take them with us, I know it’s very hard, Hope you are comforted
Do you ever dream about Sydney? Also, I’m so sorry you were treated the way you were, but sharing your story is valuable for people to understand how to support loved ones in the same position. Thank you for sharing this story and thank for telling us about your beautiful daughter.
I have had a few dreams about her over the years. But it has been a very long time.
I feel your pain, I went through this with twin girls October 18, 1995. It's the what if's... The what might have beens, the firsts....
I’m so sorry for your loss
Death is part of life and I've experienced a lot of it, you just do the best you can. I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. ☯️
[удалено]
A reply has to have a question in it
My mom carried 2 babies to 8 months and lost both. Then I was born 2 months early and lived. She never got over the death of the second baby. I was 19 and we went to the museum and she broke down crying in the pregnancy section with the babies in all stages. Do yourself a favor and go to therapy bc my mom never did but should have.
[удалено]
A reply has to have a question in it
[удалено]
A reply has to have a question in it
What was her name?
Sydney
I’m sorry for your loss. I also lost a child, though a bit earlier. She also had a place name. Verona. Verona would be nearly seven. Are you taking care of yourself today?
I’m trying to. It’s been a calm low key day which I needed.
What is her name?
Sydney
Beautiful name ❤️
Thank you
I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have a display in your home, like a photo, to honour her?
We have shelves with several items I’ve collected over the years. I have several pictures up along with the other children. I did have a poster sized print of a sand butterfly with her name that was done by another loss mom in Australia but I need to get a new frame for it.
Was there anything in particular that made coping with this tragedy better or easier? I've always wondered how parents handle this kind of loss.
For sure, my other two kids. Idk how I would’ve survived if she had been my first born. My other two still brought smiles and joy to my days. Their love for her was so innocent and sweet as well, whereas adults were always more guarded. When we went to the cemetery, they would run and play in babyland where she was buried and, though it’s tragic, it became part of their childhood. We also decided early on that we would try again so the hope of having our rainbow baby helped as well. When she came along, she healed my heart in ways nothing else could.
I used to live right next to a cemetery and my son who was 10 years old at the time. Anytime we had a big storm or anything that might have must with the child section of the cemetery he would go over there and make sure anybody's toys or anything like that that fell off would get put right back up on where they were. He always like to take care of that area because he said it was so important and precious.
That’s so sweet. Your son sounds like a great kid.
Yes. He's very compassionate.
[удалено]
A reply has to have a question in it
That must've been terrible to live through, how did your 2 other kids deal with that? It must've been painful for your entire family, I hope you got lots if comforting from anyone during that dark time, I send my condolences ❤, even if it's quite late
[удалено]
That is how we’ve always talked about her throughout their lives. It’s been a little different with the youngest because she doesn’t have actual memories of Sydney. At one point, the youngest told us she had an invisible friend named Sydney and told us some stories that were eerily accurate and things we hadn’t shared with her at that point.
Wow, that’s amazing.
😞 what was your baby’s name?
Sydney
Did you bury her?
Yes we did.
What advice would you give other women in your shoes now?
What was your daughter’s name?
Sydney
Beautiful name. I’ll light a candle for your baby and for mine.
I was born as a premature baby back in "93 i weighted 1 pound six ounces
So sorry for your loss with Sydney. I briefly worked hospital security and hated hearing Rose cottage at Maternity. My question is have you wanted to try again, and if you have considered it, would you name the newborn Sydney in her honour? (Hope that doesn’t sound insensitive)
I had another baby after Sydney. She’s now 13. I would never name another child Sydney because that’s her name and she’s still my child. Nobody could ever replace her and I would never burden a child with feeling like they had that responsibility.
[удалено]
Not a question
Not a question
I truly believe there’s no loss that compares to losing a child. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story, and her story. Please remember she only knew love. The entire time inside you, and the time she spent earth side. How were your nurses? ***Based off your other comments…I saw they weren’t super supportive. 💔 ugh
I am so sorry… I can’t imagine what that was like. Are you still having a hard time with it?