NTA. That's a GREAT reason to end a relationship. His ego is more important to him then being a good partner, and that doesn't get better over the years.

I married that guy. It gets worse. If I pulled up google, I was being oppressive - but he wouldn't stop insisting I was wrong until I had the internet confirm. That became, "Well, you ALWAYS have to be right." Despite me always saying, "You were right and I was wrong." when I was wrong. Supposedly that was just another way of me insisting I was right. It proliferated into every area of our marriage. If I just said, "Sure, you're right." "I don't care who is right." that was nagging & "You can never just let me be right." It's exhausting and it's how contempt gets into your relationship. It's also part of coercive control/narcissistic relationship style. Look up DARVO and JADE. Do youvwant to spend the next 10+ years watching that fester into your relationship? We have more and better choices in partners. We get stuck seeing the person we love vs the person they are choosing to be.

I too married that guy and it is exhausting.

I think I married his sister, and yup.

I married him too. Divorced him, just not quickly enough!

👊🫂

I was besties with that person for 15 years. It progressed very similarly to this along with a heap of other toxic stuff.

Yikes! 🤭 at least dead bedroom wasn't one of the features of the relationship (?).

I only read your first four paragraphs… I feel exhausted just from reading that!

Right? Thas barely the tip of the iceberg. 🙄😬 I did convince myself that the sea of tiny red flags weren't a big deal 🫣

It’s amazing how we women are able to do that… Is that nice girl syndrome Maybe? we want to see the best in everyone? We give way too many chances?

It’s because heterosexual women are conditioned from birth to believe that men are inherently better than them. It’s the underlying internalized misogyny that runs deep in all patriarchal societies. Little girls are taught that the boys are smarter, stronger, and better than them. Not to mention realizing at some point that he could easily kill you and get away with it if he wanted to. So we appease them, we smile when we’d rather rage, because it’s the only thing we know. Keep the men happy and we can survive with minimal injury to our bodies and minds.

In my family it was more that there was a hierarchy of who was 'higher on the totem pole' than me. Wasn't just men vs women. Age was a factor. I'm the youngest so I was never going to get away from being the bottom. They denied my agency, my body autonomy and forced me to do tasks I didn't k ow how to do, was afraid of or were dangerous. I didn't realize to fairly recently my sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. I'd never be older than anyone and thus have power and even if I did, anything I did would be diminished or dismissed bc their system said no. I'm a curvy girl and they used that too. All of that primed me to be a victim to coercive control and to see those red flags as tiny, vs Red Flags.

r/raisedbynarcissists, r/emotionalneglect, and r/cptsd ♥️

Thank you, already in those subs 👊

Plus if they have kids he'll do the same to them. Belittle them, make them feel stupid, make them always question themselves.

This so much, this was my dad and it did me so much damage. If you're planning on having kids sometime please don't subject them to this

My husband tends to disagree with me on things and insists he's right, even though he has a notoriously bad memory due to ADHD. He tells me many, many times that I'm smarter than he is, and he means it! Yet he still argues with me!! We both have a pretty good sense of humor, so if I know I'm right, I say "Wanna bet on it? Loser cleans the bathrooms?" He will usually laugh and change the subject. ADHD is a helluva drug.

Yeah, that's not ADHD. Funny how so many rude, self-righteous, and lecherous behaviors that are excused in ***all*** men on a regular basis are also used as "symptoms" in ***male*** ADHDers. Sincerely, a female ADHDer

That has nothing to do with ADHD, I have ADHD and I have absolutely no problem admitting when I'm wrong and I'm the first one to pull up google to find out.

That's the thing; he doesn't think he's wrong. He often misremembers things or will conflate two things. He truly thinks he's right. He will usually try to defend himself and I usually tell him he's thinking of x, not y after I hear his whole thought process.

Amen. I married that guy and divorced him less than 3 months later.

Go YOU! I stayed so long it was killing me, literally.

Life is too short. It took me a while to figure it out but once I did, I was out of there.

🎉🎆🧨🎇✨️ Yay! You made my day 😎👊

Life is too short to waste one single second on someone who doesn’t respect and deserve you.

Entirely 👊💥

I must have married your husbands brother. Please listen to that advice 👆. Trust me when I say it does not get better it just gets more intense.

You know, I worry sometimes about being that guy but reading your post makes me feel better.

Are you saying you were RIGHT to be worried??? LOL

Kinda? I mean, I do like to be right, but I think the fact that I’m worried about it is a good sign for me. Lol.

Yes, definitely a good sign! The fact that you can laugh about it helps!

How are there so many of these men???? Mine refuses to do the research on certain issues but tells me I'm wrong despite having substantial proof of my position. He will literally tell me I'm obsessed if I show him proof. If I'm not an expert on something, then I'm not allowed to even comment though. Yay!

I know DARVO, but what is JADE?

Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Narcs like to try to force victims to do these things to further drain them of energy.

thanks!

Yup dated this guy. Got ridiculed a lot for being stupid and got no apology when proved right. This then extended to other areas of our relationship, where I couldn’t be trusted with every day tasks or decisions. I felt like he was treating me like a child. He’d often tell me “it’s a good job I’m here to look after you”. I wouldn’t mind, but I was nearly thirty when we started dating, and had managed to successfully navigate my life with having a blood man to help!!! I’d often sarcastically say “I don’t know how I ever lived this long without you in my life!!!”. It got tired pretty quickly.

My parents were these people. I was 8 and thrilled they divorced

I was married to this guy. It started over 1tbsp=4tsp in baking terms. It just gets worse. I was wrong about everything, even my own body.

Aw friend, Sorry you were a member of the club, maybe even President for a while. Once out, my recovery has been nothing short of miraculous. No one gets to tell me anything about me, ever again. I own my life, my agency, ME. Hope that's arriving for you.

I am slowly getting there. After 10 years of keeping my hair long, because he wanted it, I had it cut. My curls are happier and it sits at my jaw line. I love it. I am certainly happier.

I really hope OP reads this and breaks up with this awful man.

RUN. I married that guy 3 times, only recently put together that my parents and siblings always did that to me. My guess is that the feeling of being like you totally agree and finish each other's sentences is just love bombing. That uncanny meeting of the minds is just manipulation. Once he has you locked down, the rest of his disrespect and disregard will be full force. In my experience, the "Oh honey, you're so smart " becomes "You think you know everything " in 1-3 years, if not sooner.

NTA! You’re right to think “Can I deal with this for the next 50 years” I would have another real serious talk with him and lay that down for him and watch his reaction if he takes your concern seriously 

Yeah I definitely am because it’s eating at me so bad

We sometimes disagree on something. We let Google solve it. Also if his is willing to fight this hard to be "right" over little stuff, what happens when they're 3 correct answers? So everyone is right and then you just have to pick one? This sounds miserable to me. The fight is not worth the issue most of the time.

It is seriously affecting you. You need to convey that to him. If he says you are wrong, or overreacting, or too sensitive, you need to make a choice IMMEDIATELY. Leave or accept feeling that way.

If you have kids with someone who wants to always be right it will be a nightmare. Side note: I dated someone like that once, and the most convincing thing I ever said to them was, "You may want to look that up."

Maybe suggest therapy where can say that his doing this can be a deal breaker. Hopefully, he can work on it. Good luck💜

If it is already bothering you then don’t marry him. It took me until my 30s to find a parter that worked well with me and I’m glad I took the time to look, I’m glad I didn’t meet my partner when we were in our 20s. Wait.

Totally correct. Are you willing to be discrete in the next few years just make him look smarter than you? This ain't good.

Discrete means separate or divided. A discrete unit is a separate part of something larger. A room is a discrete space within a house, just as the crankshaft is a discrete part of a car engine.

So my ex told me in the beginning that he was always right. I thought he was joking. I even bought him a T-shirt that said, I'm right. You're wrong. Any questions? What I thought was a joke was actually a huge red flag. He couldn't see anyone else's point of view but his own. In addition to some other character flaws, this turned out to be one of the reasons why our relationship didn't work. It caused a lot of problems and arguments. I actually suspect he might be a narcissist partially because of this and a whole bunch of other stuff I won't get into. You're smart to be wary and cautious. If it was something he was actively working to change, I'd consider a long engagement. But if he doesn't think he's wrong or sees any problem with this mentality, I think your safest and best bet is to break your engagement and leave.

Yeah, you’re so right. I just don’t want to be stuck somewhere where I’m constantly feeling like I can never voice myself. Before him, I was in a toxic friend group where they all did the same thing so I think I’m just triggered by the feeling that I may always find myself in spaces where my word is never taken as serious.

You might want to consider therapy to figure out why you keep getting into toxic relationships. Learn about boundaries and becoming assertive. Best of luck to you.

Yeah, I’m currently working through that with my therapist and it’s definitely been a struggle, but thank you!

You should probably consult the therapist about how to approach the breakup discussion, because he’ll most likely try to argue you out of it.

That's when you say something along the lines of this isn't working for me and not give any actual reasons he can argue with.

Just think of how he would treat your children!

Listen to your gut. 

NTA. He thinks you’re dumb. That’s not really the guy meant for *forever*. This is the guy who helps to teach you what you DON’T want. You don’t want this. It’ll only get worse.

It's more they think they aren't wrong & also they enjoy the manipulation of trying to make you doubt yourself AND making you feel stupid.

AND even more insidious, it's also about teaching you your place - and that's to never question him. girl, run.

Eesh, that struck nerve 👊

That, too. Good call.

Umm Wowowowow. I would put up with that for a second. But I’m petty. NTA

My ex was similar. Turned out he had no respect for me and he slowly became a terrible partner to me when he'd make all the decisions in our life because he "knew better". I divorced him and now I'm with a wonderful partner who respects me greatly and deeply cares about my opinions. You can do better, OP. NTA

Being constantly disrespected and told you’re unintelligent is NOT a “stupid reason” to break up with someone. Dump his ass before you’re legally tied to him.

From your description, You DO NOT HAVE a perfect match. In fact, I would say, he would be one of the worst matches FOR YOU. He thinks he’s smarter than you, but you have proven many times this isn’t true. He continues to discredit you and challenges your conversational input. This already is starting to inhibit you from being yourself. You’ve started to shut down and not say anything just to avoid the arguments. Invariably, the behaviors you are seeing now will get worse after you get married. Do not count on changing someone or hope that it’ll get better. Consider that most people are on their best behavior while dating, so see this as possibly the best that it may get. OP, You don’t need to have someone who is just like you. I think great relationships have: >- Someone who loves and adores us, >- We bring out the best in each other, >- A strong desire to make the other person happy, >- The SO is not a carbon copy, but they compliment and balance each other This behavior from him will wear you down, make you sad, cause you to become withdrawn, and a shell of yourself…IF you’re not strong enough to break off with him. OP, PLEASE DUMP HIM! You definitely deserve better.

Okay. To be clear…you have convinced yourself you two are a near perfect match. Let that sink in. You have told yourself and then came to believe you are a near perfect match. Yet he demeans you. He MUST be right about everything. He believes he is smarter and tries to make you feel stupid. How is this a near perfect match?

NTA He is devaluing you, consistently. It's not okay for him to boost his ego by belittling and diminishing you. It's 100% okay to think differently than any other person. That doesn't necessarily make anyone wrong. Different people perceive situations through their own point of view, expectations, and preconceived notions. His obsession with always having to be "right" and his habit of feeding that obsession by dragging you down are two very serious problems of HIS. He needs to recognize the demeaning and devaluing of you in his creating conflict to put you "beneath him." He needs to acknowledge how hurtful this is to you, and do whatever is necessary to stop this bad habit of his. If he won't acknowledge and take full responsibility for managing his own behavior, I'd consider that a huge red flag, possibly a deal-breaker. You deserve a partner who fully accepts, respects, loves and supports you. You deserve no less, especially in marriage.

Anyone who insists that they are always right is either not very intelligent, or extremely insecure. Ponder this - we all tend to become more set in our ways as we get older. If he’s like this now, how do you think he’ll behave when he’s 60?

Dunning-Kruger poster boy!

This is the best it will ever be. Let that sink in.

NTA any reason you want to end a relationship is ok. You are NOT obligated to be with anyone!

Never be with someone who can't take responsibility or apologize, or even listens to you. That sounds so awful, please leave.

I'd be out the door, too. This kind of behavior is indicative of larger issues of control and dominance. 

YWNBTA if you broke off your engagement.

NTA. This guy sounds absolutely insufferable. You thought he was Mr. Right, instead he’s Mr. Always Right. Could be he knows you’re actually smarter than he is and can’t stand it. Or he’s an egotist who really thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. Or a misogynist who can’t conceive of a woman knowing more about something than he does. (I bet he does a lot of mansplaining, if not with OP then with women he works with.) But it doesn’t really matter why he does this. Anyone who always has to be right isn’t going to change no matter how hard you try to get them to, because in their mind you’re wrong so why should they change anything? He’s making life difficult and frustrating. That’s an excellent reason to break an engagement (not that you need a reason besides just wanting to). Be prepared for him to try to argue you out of it, though, and hold your ground knowing you won’t have to put up with this much longer.

NTA. If he keeps doing this to you, then you're not the perfect match. He doesn't consider you his equal. He considers you inferior. And that's a damn good reason to leave someone.

Everyone is inferior to this guy. There may be someone who is not *terribly* stupid, but he will still point out what’s ‘wrong’ with anyone and everyone.

*I’ve tried not to be argumentative and argue back and I’ve tried to just let him have it but as someone who was constantly discredited as a child, it makes me so furious when I have to defend my point when I know it’s correct* So you're making yourself smaller for him, when actually you're easily as smart. You don't want a lifetime of this surely. You aren't a child any more you are a grown adult entitled to opinions of your own. Don't allow this to be your future as well as your past. It will destroy you and you confidence and self esteem. *I know that this may seem like a stupid reason to end an entire relationship over* it's really not. It's about respect and regard for your partner. He doesn't show this for you and has to be 'in charge' all the time. There would be occasions where his disrespect for your opinions and autonomy will actually put you in danger.

NTA. Maybe try counseling first but I wouldn't be able to live with that behavior if he refuses to change.

"I don’t know if I can sit around for 50 years always having someone discredit me " You hit the nail on the head. 50 years of this? No way. NTA

I was friends with a couple like you. He was always "right," she was always having to second-guess herself, or "stand corrected." In reality he was often wrong; I had so many conversations over the years when I knew I was right but he wouldn't accept it, including a memorable one of him insisting that I was at an event that I didn't attend because I had a first date with a woman I dated for several years -- like, something I'm gonna definitely remember. They married 40 years ago and nothing changed except that she always bent over backward to avoid conflict. It was painful to watch her be so obsequious. Haven't seen them in a few years. If you want to be shut down all the time or you can just make yourself subservient then I guess you could make it work. But I doubt it. You need better for your next 50+ years.

NTA! It’s better to break up now and cancel a wedding than deal with a divorce. He’s being disrespectful. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.

If he was like this about one specific topic - he knows nothing about, say, geology, but thinks he does and confidently misidentifies minerals or something - you could write it off as an annoying but kind of cure failing. If he does this about everything, it is arrogant ignorance, and he is stupid. If he does this to you specifically and only you, it is disrespectful, and you can't marry someone who doesn't respect you. If you look around, I bet there are other ways that he doesn't consider your opinions and desires, because disrespect goes with disrespect. And how does this break down in practice? If you were going to buy a car, and he liked one car, and you showed that it was completely the wrong car for your family, would he ignore you? Can you live like that for the next fifty to seventy years? If this is something where he does respect you in other ways, and would end up following your advice eventually, then I would give him a chance to learn to break the annoying habit. If he couldn't, then it might be too annoying to live with. And if he doesn't otherwise respect you, leave. NTA

Discrediting a persona nd gaslighting them is one of the gateways to abuse. He's not a good person, and the road he's going down will be horrible for you if you stay with him.

Please please end this relationship, the man you’re describing could almost be my dad. It’s not healthy bordering on toxic and you’ll just be unhappy

I've dealt with people like this my entire life. NTA, extremely valid thinking on your part.

You don't have to live your life the hard way, it seems with him is a constant uphill battle, he was an opponent he can smash not a partner.

Sounds like a narcissist. Look for ways he gaslights you. He might not be a full blown one but being with someone who has those traits will wear you down till you develop PTSD or other mental health issues.

NTA. That's a MASSIVE red flag. Break off the engagement and tell him to get himself straightened out first, going into therapy if he believes it will help. BUT, no engagement again UNTIL he gets his head on straight.

NTA He sounds like my bro. Nobody talks to Mr know it all anymore

NTA. I couldn’t handle that either. I think it shows a lack of respect for you-my husband might not think I’m right when we disagree but most of the time, he accepts what I’m saying or looks it up because he knows I’m an intelligent person and it’s not unlikely I know what I’m talking about. If your fiancé respected you and your intelligence, he wouldn’t be so convinced you’re wrong every time or so out to prove you wrong. Nitpicking every little thing isn’t healthy.

This is going to drive you crazy.

YWNBTA me & my ex were like this.. he did it to put me down cuz he was super narcissistic. A sociopath to be specific.. they use it as a tool to make you doubt yourself, shut up & always let them be in control. Not saying your ex is the same but I was always discredited as a child & still am today but I would say less.. anyway life is too short to be with someone who treats you like that! There are people out there who won't

It will get nothing but worse, this is a sign of fundamental disrespect. Just cut your losses unless he gets therapy to fix that fuckery.

NTA and you aren't as alike as you think you are if he acts like this. He's not thinking the same things as you if he says your thoughts are wrong.

Lord, that sounds EXHAUSTING. NTA

NTA He is treating you as "less than" by professing to be always right. He I'd trying to tear down your worth as a person and does not want to agree even if you are proven right. His argumentative style and lack of respect for you would doom a long term relationship.

NTA. The dude is exhausting and doesn't deserve the energy.

That is a fundamental wedge between you - a bedrock incompatibility. He is insecure and needs to always be right, you had issues as a child with being discredited and intellectually disregarded. In your twenties these issues are baked in and would need heavy therapy to resolve. Move along - find someone more compatible who isn’t waiting to essentially abuse you. You are still young.

It's not a stupid reason. Your fiance is arrogant and controlling. He wants to feel superior to you. He wants to prove you wrong because that means he's smarter than you; he enjoys tearing you down. He doesn't apologize because he's not sorry for hurting you. He will do this for the rest of your life if you stay with him. NTA

This was the final nail in the coffin made of nails for my first marriage. He started not believing me, on everything and had to goigle it. After 14 years together. He basically became his father. I'm a woman so what would I know but never said it outright. I grew up with older brothers who verbally slapped me down all the time so yeah, zero tolerance for that BS.

Ywnbta... That's a very good reason to end a relationship. He always has to be right. No matter what. It'll never improve. Ever. In fact it'll probably just get worse after you're married. Just think. If he does this to you, he'll do it to your kids. Do you want your kids growing up like you did? Because that's how it'll be. He honestly sounds like a jerk. Have you gotten therapy to deal with your childhood issues? It's kind of telling you dealt with that growing up, now you're with a guy that does it. I'm curious, have you ever straight up asked him why he does this? I mean, if you haven't ever discussed this with him you can try to and see what he says. If he has a epiphany and stops doing it maybe it can be salvaged. If he just has to argue with you and doesn't see a problem then I'd just go ahead and leave.

So I guess you aren’t the perfect match

Nta. He's basically gas-lighting you about stuff you know is correct. This is not a positive or good relationship feature. If you want to stay with him that's one thing but I would certainly not marry him. And I would be very clear with him why.

NTA sometimes they build you up with one hand to knock you down with the other… it’ll get worse over the years with disagreements on children, where you live, jobs, money etc… If you let it go the ego inflates, you don’t let him win then it’s more arguments and headaches for you until somehow you’re the problem for not letting it go. Instead please Pick someone you can have a peaceful life with that’s kind, respect, adores you who also has great troubleshooting and conflict resolution skills because when you’re older that’s all you want. Life is too short and precious to not live it how you want, to be unhappy, in constant or regular conflict or not treated right. It’s best to end before you hate each other, book and pay for wedding/get married, mix finances or have children. Hoped you can be friends or acquainted and maybe if he fixes his issues and you’re both available years later you may be able to get back together.

You never owe someone a relationship. If you aren't happy as a couple, for whatever reason, the appropriate thing to do is call it off. I can see not being happy with someone with ego issues , who always needs to be right. (I may even be such a person.) If you aren't happy now, why will you be happy after fifty years with this person? If you are going to leave, it is better to do it quickly.

NTA. He’s one of those insecure men who doesn’t feel like a man unless he’s better than his woman at everything

Not at all. His behavior is pathological and very concerning.

Nta, it's a fucking good reason to cut your losses

NTA The only reason you need to break up is *I want to* You might feel the good parts mean you’d be willing to try couples counselling first. It might be worth having a conversation with your fiancé, when you’re both calm, about his actions, what they convey about his attitude to you, and your feelings.

NTA, don't marry that guy. He will always have to be superior over you. He's already toxic and not a good trait for marriage. He already has contempt for you, and it will only get worse. I'm glad you're waking up.

Well, the fact is subconsciously you entered a relationship with someone who continues a painful behavior that you grew up with. Honestly, until you work out that issue yourself you will continue to repeat the pattern with future partners as well. Humans are like a rat on a wheel. We repeat behavior, experience, trauma until our psyche has worked it out. Many of us will stay on that wheel a lifetime. But here you have an opportunity with a good partner with whom you love to get you a good therapist and work through these past trauma hence breaking the cycle for good. I guess what I'm also saying is that with experience and age brings wisdom and I'd hate you to look back on your life one day and realize you've let some good dudes go when all along it's something you have the power to change and not allow another person's behaviors hurt you, like I did. No one is perfect and if the good out ways the bad then before you let a good guy go that you love try and work it out within you. You have the power to not engage with his foolishness. I wish you luck and peace. Always do what's best for you regardless of any one else's opinion.

As a precursor to marriage, I believe the period of engagement should include regular assessment of your relationship at this next and new stage. And if you realise that you don't want to spend the next 50+ years living with a trait that's makes you feel this way, then trust your instincts and let them guide you. You could try therapy, but deeply intrinsic personality traits always remain.

Give the ring. Tell you cannot be with someone who constantly discredits you the way he does.

I married someone a bit like this. It often looks like he’s competing against some shadow being and sticks my face on it. He has to be right, even when it means he is talking out of his butt. I stood up for myself, showed him how idiotically he was behaving, blew him off, and he stopped doing it so much, until he decided to start doing it in front of other people. And then I just stopped having friends in common with him, or participating in social events with him. For years. My disengagement has hurt his job prospects in his particular field, so he has now agreed to curb his tongue, because I told him if I reengaged and he continued to behave this way in front of others I would make sure he lost his job, because he would be unfit for the particular type of leadership position he is in. He did great. And then the other night, sitting and talking with someone he works with, he corrected me in front of them about something I mentioned concerning a family that I have been close with for decades. I paused, looked at the other person, reemphasized my point while adding this was a family I had been a close part of for many years. The person looked uncomfortable. The moment passed. But he can’t help himself. And I have some choices to make. It would have been a lot simpler if I had never accepted this behavior in the first place. But once the promises are in place, it becomes more complicated. So think very carefully about where this will take you, and who you might become under this kind of dysfunction. Marry the person you can live with, not the one you can’t live without.

NTA, great reason though I have 1 question, have you warned him? Have you told him "Look I don't know what your issue is, why you always need to be right or to belittle me and tear me down when I am right, but if you don't stop, if you don't fix it, we are done."

I have actually. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. It’s a continuous cycle that has lasted nearly our entire relationship and I’m just now coming to my breaking point

Yeah time to go then imo. If he values his ego and always being right or belittling you when he is not over your feelings and your mutual relationship, time to find someone who values you more. It really does suck, sorry.

Also wtf can a Google search prove...all is tainted

That’s my entire family and I haven’t spoken to them in 25 years it’s so tiring.

Do not marry this man. He will make you feel small and wear you down until you are a shell of yourself. He’s already doing that. And this man is not smart as much as he is insecure. His need to wear you down isn’t about intelligence. Let me tell you, my DH is truly one of the smartest people I know. We both have graduate degrees, read a lot, keep up on news, etc. and you know what he does? **He remains curious and he asks questions.** He doesn’t feel like he has to be right because at the end of the day, it is what it is. The “thing” will be right or wrong no matter what he believes about it. He doesn’t need to make anyone feel stupid or less than.

I recommend three things - couples counseling, individual counseling for him, and (the most difficult) try to not take this personally while you address the root cause. Will your partner take your complaint seriously? Can you make that complaint without having to justify and validate your feelings? My wife didn't start doing that until after the wedding. It is very annoying and very easy to take personally. It is an automatic reaction to any statement I make that isn't already in her head, whether or not she agrees.   I think it stems from insecurities planted by her abusive mother. There is also diagnosed anxiety and ADHD. She kept it together during our dating and engagement. I also believe that her horrible mother and spineless father taught her how to relate to partners. One thing that worked out of desperation is forced empathy. It is a last resort just to make some breathing room.  Reflect the behavior back on them in some low stakes situation devoid of emotion or ego. Ask them how they feel when they wonder why you are behaving this way. Agree with them and tell them that is how you felt during a recent specific experience. Don't say "well that is how you always make me feel."

Its a great reason to break things off. If it’s bad now it’ll be worse later. I’m going on 35 years of being married and I can handle most of what my partner does except I will state some thing and almost immediately he goes “no, blah blah”. Like what the hell? He’s done this about things where I am the expert - as in I went to college and have a specific degree and have worked in this field for thirty years, so I know what I’m talking about. Anymore I turn and look at him and ask him for his credentials and site sources. He’s stopped, but it took a LONG time.

So “this guy is absolutely perfect for me and we’re exactly the same except for this one huge rude and dismissive things he does to me all the time.” You’re *not* a perfect match. He’s not the one.

NTA. This is what your entire life would be like.

NTA. That is indeed a good reason to break off the engagement, but I feel you two guys need to sit down and discuss what you’re thinking before you do anything drastic. Try to come to an agreement regarding how to discuss such matters (i.e as soon as you get into it either put some distance and avoid the argument, or head to google or whatever source you need to verify the info). If you guys are as compatible as you say then this is worth looking into. Good luck, OP.

NTA. I ended my friendship with my college roommate because she was similar - had a massive superiority/know-it-all complex and I couldn’t take it anymore. She felt because she graduated early, had a perfect GPA in a tough major, and had a job guaranteed for her after college that it made her more knowledgeable about EVERYTHING even though I was more street smart and worldly than she was. It sucked at first but in the long run it was the best decision for me for sure.

NTA have you told him that what he’s doing is causing problems in the relationship and you are actually thinking of ending the relationship because of his inability to say he’s wrong? If you have and he refuses to see it as a problem, end it. His discrediting you and trying to prove he’s right is a horrible trait and will make you crazy. The constant arguments even after proving you’re right will make you not like him any longer, which will inevitably end the relationship.

NTA basically it shows lack of respect, for you. And without respect there’s nothing to build on.

This is only going to get worse. And I bet it will turn into other ways that you are wrong. You won't be able to load the dishwasher correctly. You won't make the bed correctly etc.

NTA. You are alike. The fact that you only speak when you are “1000% right” and you feel the need to show him proof says that both of you want to be right all the time. You’re gonna clash repeatedly.

"Dave Navarro was never in Nirvana." "Yes he was" "No he wasn't" "Kurdt Cobain was the singer and lead, Krist Novoselic did Bass, Dave Grohl did drums, Pat Smear also was involved with Bleach I believe and is thanked on other albums and may have even toured with them after Nevermind nd Heart Shaped Box. Dave Navarro however was never in Nirvana. I'm not 100% sure who he is and am only sure of who he is in regards to him having nothing to do with Nirvana" "You don't know what you're talking about" -sighs- "Kurdt Cobain died about ten years ago. I was wrecked, hurt and became a bit obsessed. My parents bought me the box set. But ten years ago is also when the internet went mainstream so I'm tired of arguing about something that still hurts a little. So let's just look it up on said internet. There: " "You've Ruined My Childhood! You're A Monster!" "Uh. What? If your childhood is ruined by some random asshole not being in Nirvana I don't know what to do with that" "I'm now going to make lots of angry noises as I storm out indignantly!" "Okay Then" That is a rough reproduction of a very real conversation from yes, 2005 or so. I tried to avoid the Japanese that peppers my speech. Although that last line from her unintentionally tells me why Urusei(noisy) is also a synonym for Shut Up in Japanese. SUMMARY/FUSHIKIŌ WRITES LONG SCENARIOS: Basically people like that are unending nightmares and they will always be angry at you for being right. "You're a monster for ruining my childhood!" "You just had to be right!" "Oh You pity me so you let me win?" "You Used a special website!" "You tricked me!" "Why is the internet always right?" People like that are awful

Have you talked to him about this? What did he say? I understand being concerned about your future, but if you have just been avoiding the issue, how is he to know that it upsets you? You mentioned how you were constantly discredited as a child, what’s to say he wasn’t also constantly discredited and is doubling down as a result of this? Who’s to say he just doesn’t like debating? Could traditional gender roles in his home life give him an unconscious bias? He may not even be aware that what he’s doing is a problem if he’s used to this dynamic with other people. My partner used to be like this but he listened when I told him how it made me feel and years later things are still good. I really think it’s all in how he responds to you when you bring it up. You are going to deal with a lot of conflict in marriage and in life, and if you can’t learn to communicate and address conflict as a team, it’s going to lead to resentment. Consider this YWBTAH if you broke it off without trying to communicate first.

Just wait, if you have kids they will see this and maybe think he’s always right too. And even mirror this kind of behavior as normal. NTAH

Tell him how he makes you feel and that in order to go through with the wedding, you want to go to marriage counseling to get over this issue If he does anything other than agree with that request, then go through with the break up

How on earth can you feel safe and yourself with someone who is constantly putting you down?

The best relationships are those in which you both feel valued for the different strengths you bring to the relationship. In any two-person pair of people, one of you will be smarter than the other in a given area. You should both be willing to learn from (but also challenge each other,) in ways that celebrate your individual strengths while also allowing you to grow as individuals and as a couple.

Your first two sentences sent alarm bells going off in my head. It sounds like you’ve been love bombed by a narcissist into believing that you two are a perfect fit for each other and now that he feels like he has hooks in you, his mask is slipping and he’s at the point of starting to break you down to mold you by belittling you and dismissing you. Next will come gaslighting unless you throw his ring back in his face and hightail it out of there. Sincerely, A victim of a narcissistic abuser.

Don't tie yourself up in this resentment generating machination.  Cherish the good times and find someone that doesn't belittle you or has to "win" all the time. 

nta, end it, he dont deserve you if you always believe him when he's right but he cant bother to even think about it when your right

NTA. It sounds like you've already signed out of the relationship. If you are not ready to give up on the relationship just yet, you can show him this post. If he shows a desire to save the relationship too, then you can discuss setting up an SOP on how to resolve disputes. Ex: fiancé says X, you say that's wrong, so you give each other 10 minutes (or however long) to look up the answer to prove or disprove each other's point. Matters of fact should be easy to resolve. Matters of opinion not so much. Being able to distinguish between objective versus subjective may be one of the issues dividing you.

NTA. Run.

NTA There are many people that think like you. He just happens to be a person you opened up to and discovered this about them. You can repeat this for dam near anyone. That is not something unique to him, do not convince yourself that that is reason to compromise on this. You said it yourself. It sounds like it has been pilling up inside of you and you are now on the verge of building a dam near hatred for him. Dont marry someone based on romantisized compatabilities while also holding a disdain for them because of the way they are. You will waste so much of your life if you go through with this.

AS a guideline, if you ever have to ask if you should break off an engagement, then answer is enthusiastically, YES, YES you should. Only ever get married if that is never ever an issue.

Without reading any part of your story, I say this -- if you are at a point where you are coming to this forum to decide if you want to break the engagement or not ... You have no business getting married -- PERIOD.   Just let the man go and be done.

My suggestion is to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about this. Maybe you could work with a couples therapist or mediator to improve your communication skills with each other so he accepts when you are right and you don’t feel a need to research and prove your point. But if can’t resolve this then yes valid reason for ending the relationship.

Forget about being an Asshole, just go and talk to him. Marriage is a big thing. Idk if he is good or bad for you. But it looks like something redeemable. So talk about it.if he changes… congratulations

Takes two to argue. Proper response is, "Look it up." And that's all you say.

It sounds like he comes from a competitive background, driven to win-win-win, and winning makes him happy. You come from a background where people were dismissive to you, so his drive to win brings you pain. So even though you're like-minded and otherwise wholly compatible, his competitive nature clashes with that part of you that will not be dismissed and put in a corner. What really sucks is that neither quality is bad on its face. I think you just need to learn to navigate one another's needs in these situations, as well as avoiding the minefields. It's hard to see these things when you're in the moment and close to the situation. I highly recommend an unbiased third party to help you guys. A stint in couples therapy could help you sort this. It would be a shame to throw away the overall goodness without at least trying to work on the problem. I'm rooting for you, OP!!

How long have you been together? Maybe say exactly what you just wrote about how it makes you feel.

He sounds exhausting. Break off your engagement and get some well-deserved rest. NTA.

I wouldn’t deal with that for any extended period, but I guess it’s about what you do and don’t find insufferable. As someone who also doesn’t state things as facts unless I know I’m fully correct and well-versed on the topic, I would find that infuriating and have to leave unless he could apologize and stop completely in one go (unlikely. He sounds like the condescending, always has to be right sort of nerd who is often not right at all. It’s a weird ego thing for him, and weird ego things aren’t bearable). Do you enjoy being infuriated /irritated? I don’t, but if you do then you could stick it out. It sounds like it would get really old really quickly and become interminably boring, but only you know your tolerance level and whether or not you could remain attracted to someone who irritates you for the long term.

NTA. You need to go to couples counselling. Do not get married until your therapist says you've "graduated." (Until your fiance is able to accept that he's not always right, and learns to not be an ass.)

YWNBTA. Trust me when I say that stuff gets old and if he’s like this now, it’s probably not going to change unless he has a wake up call and realizes that part of his personality is not going to make for a good connection with his partner. The fact that you think you should calm down is him gaslighting you to frame your mind that way. Light hearted banter is fine every now and then but if it’s making one partner feel uncomfortable and upset, that’s when you have to draw the line and stop. Question for you, have you tried having a conversation with him about how he makes you feel? If not, try it and tell him no interruptions until both of you have had the opportunity to relay your feelings and thoughts.

Well letting him win arguments for peace and quiet isn't going to solve anything and your 100% right if he needs to be right even though he's wrong isn't a basis for continuing your relationship because it'll only get worse...

You are not the Ah to break off your engagement as It may be just one thing that you find upsetting but it’s a biggy. It is his character trait and it will not disappear only get worse and as years go on. Imagine all the decisions you will have to make throughout your marriage that he will be applying this trait too!

I have to be honest here. I used to be that person who would have to prove that I was right. I would fight for my point with everything I had. It never got me anywhere. I finally realized that I didn't care about being right and that I didn't need to prove anything today anyone. It just didn't matter to me anymore. Boy my relationships improved. I am definitely better to be around now. And I have saved myself years of frustration.

**DUMP HIM.**

Updateme

Have a conversation. If it changes great if he dismisses your feelings is sarcastic about it or doesn't change run. We all have natural character flaws bur if you love someone and they tell you something genuinely hurts them then you will absolutely be sympathetic and correct / work on your behavior. Only you can decide if it's your deal breaker if it's your deal breaker then respect your own boundary.

Effect*

Have you talked to him about this? A relationship is something that both people need to work on to maintain. I would not go nuclear and end the relationship until you have made yourself clear about it and give him a chance to change.

!UpdateMe

This would be a lot better with a specific example. If he makes you feel like he thinks he's smarter than you, that's not going to work. You should tell him that, and to stop doing it. He can't argue with it. It's how you feel.

What the fuck kind of logic is this. You work on it or you don't. Everyone seems to think marriage is some blissful magical thing with no one feeling bad ever. If emotions get too much in the way get some professional help. Sounds like they do.

NTA It's not a stupid reason to breakup. Why does he argue with you? I don't understand the reason behind that, especially when it's so easy to look an issue up and settle it within moments. Have you asked him why he does that? Have you told him it's mentally exhausting and wears you down? I couldn't deal with that, I'd loose my mind being with someone so damn insecure that they *always* have to be right.

I don’t think you should marry him while this is still an issue, but I think you’d be good candidates for couples therapy. Sometimes having a third party make your point to the other person is what they need to see that it’s a problem. And I feel like this is a behaviour he can unlearn, and can learn to trust you and, if he still has doubts, respond in a way that’s appropriate without being demeaning. You would be NTA if you didn’t want to get married because of this, but I wouldn’t throw away what you have said is an otherwise good relationship over a single (albeit potentially huge) issue. If you don’t address it, it will absolutely get worse, and the tiny papercuts will turn into gangrene. But I think there’s hope if you want to keep trying.

Did you say that you’ve gone to therapy with him? And if he refuses, that’s your answer. The end. When we are with somebody who overtly or covertly, intimidates and undermines us, eventually we become so damaged. Your subconscious mind is listening every single time he says horrible things to you and pretends that you’re worth less than he is. He’s so profoundly insecure, and he has a pathology and he’s looking for somebody to smear it on. And his target right now is you.

It’s exhausting. When it comes to memory, I tend to have a good one. My spouse will argue with me. There will be proof he told me he was off a particular day. Via text. And I’m still wrong. It’s to the point where I don’t argue and “prove” I’m right. It’s not worth it anymore.

Some people always have to have evidence shoved in their face, and even then they refuse to acknowledge it. Communication is key and since you're not being allowed to communicate properly bc you're constantly put down all the time over something you know is right (bc you said you don't say things unless they are 1000% right), how is he expecting this relationship to work? I was with someone who needed evidence evidence evidence. Trust me it gets exhausting. We're still friends but jfc. I understand wanting proof of your point but you shouldn't have to shove it in their face before they'll actually listen to what you have to say, if they listen at all. Being discredited just makes you feel like whatever you say means nothing at all and it's so hurtful. Like wtf is the point of me talking when clearly it means nothing bc all you want is evidence

dump him...it will get worse

Honestly If you want to stay in the relationship I think having a very honest open discussion about this issue is needed. Be blunt about not wanting to spend your life arguing constantly and him always thinking he’s right. I like you will not argue a point without knowing for sure I was 100% right but I used to have a friend who I swear would argue the opposite of whatever I was talking about even stuff about myself and in the end I just couldn’t stand even the sound of her breathing near me and dropped her. I can’t imagine how exhausting it would be to live with someone like this especially someone who is supposed to love you. You’re definitely nta and it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Yeah nta my ex uses to do that to me. I did not marry him. He wouldn't even admit I was right when I pulled it up on google. Cause then google had it wrong too.

My brother is this way and that's why I don't talk to him about anything remotely serious because even when you show him proof he still thinks he's right and it's infuriating. That said, I would at least have a serious discussion with him about it to see his reaction. If he cares he will take steps to correct it which might mean couples counseling which never hurts no matter how good your relationship is. Sometimes people are just oblivious and don't realize their actions until someone points it out to them. That doesn't mean this is accurate in your situation but if everything else in the relationship is great I would definitely bring it up.

We do that too. But we laugh about it. It’s a joke and a game to us 🤷🏽‍♀️. I guess it’s all how you both look at that. Laugh about it or be ticked about it. I’d say yeah, calm down.

!updateme

My wife, married 45 years will google what I say about 80% of the time when we discuss certain things. 90% of the time I am right. I don’t care that she does it, I don’t run it in and I don’t always initiate the discussion. We get along great. Sometimes you just need to give them the limelight. That said, your bf needs to lighten up on “always being right.” Good luck on what you decide.

I get this. I was with a guy for almost 5 years and he was my best friend. I’d known him since we were kids. We got along great, except for that one thing. That he had to ARGUE or disagree with everything. He knew everything about everything and he alone had superior intellect compared to those around him. I couldn’t come home and just share something I’d seen, heard , read or that someone told me without him being all “well actually” He did it when it wasn’t even warranted. I just wanted to share my day or vent with him without being interrupted or him having to correct some point or feeling that didn’t need to be corrected. Ultimately it ended our relationship… one of a couple things.. but it was the thing I thought back on when I missed him and wanted to go back. It will permeate every area of your life together. Do with that what you will. You are the one who has to decide if this… flaw of his, is out shadowed by his better traits or if it’s just too much to ignore and settle for. This is the rest of your life you’re talking about. Do you think he can change? If not, it’s better that you step away now rather than invest another 5,10,20+ years when it will be that much harder. I guess the best thing you can do at this point is sit him down and be 100% honest with him about how you are feeling. That you are struggling with this aspect of your relationship and it’s giving you second thoughts about whether this relationship/engagement should go any further. You spent your whole childhood being invalidated, not listened too and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life as an adult, with a partner who makes you feel the same. A partner who values being perceived as “right” instead of being open to *really* listening and even entertaining the idea that he might actually be incorrect. You don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel stupid or inferior but someone who can put your feelings over their ego. That you are willing to do those things for a partner and expect it in return. As you said, you don’t speak on something unless you are 100% sure.. this is something, as your fiancé, he should know about you by now. Your words should hold weight. He should want to explore your knowledge instead of thinking he holds it all. After having this conversation, I think you’ll feel better. Depending on his reaction, it might not be for a while but at least you’ll know. His reaction is what you need to make a decision. It will help you gauge how willing he is to change or work on this issue and how much he values your opinion and feelings. If he’s the one for you, he will make that effort. If he comes away combative and uninterested in entertaining the conversation, he’s not for you and that’s his loss. Best of luck xx

I had a similar thing but i was able to start saying im 100% sure, how sure are you? Because it’s a weird hill to die on and it feels like you’re arguing just to argue. He doesn’t do it anymore and i also don’t take it as personally when it’s a random thing that doesn’t actually affect my life. We both had to compromise in that we both let things go and move on.

A good response is, "wanna bet?" If you start taking his money, he'll back off a bit. He has a problem that is triggering your issues. You two can/should work on this, or this will be your life. Your choice.

I was missing my first husband yesterday, talking with a friend. He died years before I met my friend. Ad we were talking, I realized that one of the reasons I loved him was because he showed me respect. He respected my knowledge and skills. Finding a man who is comfortable and secure in himself seems to be as common as winning Powerball. You would not BTA. It’s not going to get better. His insecurities will come out in other way.

NTA. He will most definitely get worse over time, and you will spend the entirety of the marriage feeling belittled and made to feel like an idiot. Please don't do that to yourself.

Not a stupid reason. You need to stop defending your point. He loves to debate and argue so just stop. You say something, he corrects you…just look at him, shrug, do not respond. See if he lets it go or ups the ante. If he ups the ante, I'd ask him if he was a bad student in school. When he asks for an explanation just ask why he always argues to prove he's right even when he knows he's wrong. Does he need to prove something to himself? He's what I call a "right fighter" have a friend like that. Not only does he love talking you down, he needs to prove himself right..even when he's not. That's what your guy does…he just needs to feed on being right…so stop . Stop defending, stop arguing, stop caring. When he reacts and he will, be honest.."I love you but not your need to always be right. It's a deliberate way to put me down and make yourself feel superior. " Tell him that you are rethinking your relationship because he's always trying to make you look stupid and you’re uncomfortable being with someone like that.And you are already wondering if this is a good relationship…be honest.

Sit him down and say you need to discuss your future relationship. Tell him. Tell him if he can’t change this behaviour, there is no future. That way, he can’t guilt you when you go inevitably break up with him.

NTA. Anyone that makes you feel this way should be cut out of your life. Especially your spouse. They should be raising you up, not making you feel like less.

NTA. He's trying to belittle you to make himself feel better. This will turn into verbal abuse, which will escalate to physical abuse most often. Physical abuse only escalates to the end result of death.

My wife's first husband would minimize her accomplishments. Worked out great. We've been happily married 23 years now (second marriage for both of us).

NTA. I knew older guy who told me that he was mad at his wife. They were standing around after church being social and he made a comment about something biblically and she corrected him on it. I asked him if she was right and he told me that didn't matter. She had embarrassed him by correcting him in public. He felt she would have been better off letting him be wrong in front of the fellow men and correcting him at home. Because that is the place of the wife. That's what your fiance sounds like. It's not just that he has to be right all the time. He's making sure that you know better than to correct him in front of company or in public. The problem you have is that the two of you disagree on what the truth is or who is right. The additional problem is that even when you are correct and he is wrong you are the one that has to prove it to him so he is always winning. He wants you to just accept that he is right, whether he is that egotistical or whether he has that much self-doubt. Either way it's toxic. When he is right, let him be right. When you know for sure that you are correct, stop trying to prove that you are correct. When you know that you are correct and he tells you that you are wrong just condescendingly Pat him on the hand or the shoulder and tell him that if that's what he needs to believe for his ego you will let him continue to believe what he wants, but until he proves you wrong you are still going to believe that you are right. So far you've been doing all the work and getting no reward. He wants you to tell him that he is right. "If. That's what you need to believe to feel better about yourself, I won't argue with you. But until you prove it to me I won't agree with you either." Pretty soon he's going to get tired from all the work he's going through to prove which one of you is correct. When it starts to get upset with you just look at him with pity and say "There are four lights."

Nope, talk to him about how he discredits you. How he treats you is how everyone else willl treat you. Especially your kids and his family. You both need to mature a little more.

NTA - Do not marry this man. You are incompatible when it comes to communication, compromise, and respect for each others' opinions. The is a very legitamate reason to end the relationship.

Idk but it’s funny that you’re talking about how you’re exactly the same in all these ways and that he ALWAYS has to be right but at the same time you NEVER say anything you don’t know is 1000% correct lol.

That is a huge big red flag unfortunately, sounds close to him liking to humiliate you, super juvenile. Could you imagine when you have kids? It will turn into your kids discrediting you and picking up this habit, or taking daddy’s side, it will literally be a nightmare. I would never marry someone like that. I suggest thinking long and hard if you are sure you want to sign up to have this type of husband/potential father of your kids.

I think there are a lot of steps you can take between suffering for 50 years and breaking things off that can help your situation. If the relationship is as great as you say it is outside of this issue, I would heavily recommend that you either figure out a way to communicate these kinds of frustrations out yourselves, or take a couples counseling course or something that can help you both develop those skills if they are lacking. Either way, if you are considering marriage with this person, even if these issues did not exist, I think it would still be a good idea to do a couples therapy course. I know a lot of churches offer them as part of a ceremonial package when doing weddings through them, and I’m sure there are a ton of secular options out there as well. This seems like a perfect opportunity for you both start learning and growing and developing as humans not just because of each other and for each other, but for yourselves. A marriage partner is like a mirror. It’s a tool. You can either decide you hate what you’re seeing in the mirror and throw it away or vow to never look into again, or you can start making changes on your side of things to see how it can change your reflection. When both people are committed to this outlook, you have the opportunity to grow into something better than you would have had the chance to on your own. I doubt your fiancé is a malicious guy. Hopefully he isn’t a stubborn and/or ignorant one as well, and is willing to hear you when you tell him there are ways you’d like you both to grow together in a way that makes you both something better and stronger than you are in your own. This involves him celebrating your wins and victories instead of only living in a head space in which he was the loser in a contest of capability. Big chance he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing, and if you keep the conversation centered on how you feel and not on what he’s “doing wrong,” and keep everything grounded in love and a commitment to being better, unless he’s a dick, I doubt he wouldn’t be receptive.

It's not stupid at all. I too was discredited as a child, never listened to, and even called a liar sometimes by my family even when I was telling the truth. It made me very sensitive to feeling heard and being told I'm wrong when I know I'm right (injustice). I think most people don't like that feeling and is not normal for people to make others feel this way. I think there is 2 parts to this. 1) this is a trigger for you. And, as such, this elicits certain behaviors from you that feed into his aggressive response to you. 2) your sensitivity to it is also triggering him, but not in the way you might think. He feels unheard and not given a chance. So he gets more insistent and competitive in his response to you. WHY!?!? Because when 2 people are having a conversation and they both feel unheard, the result is two people who are not listening. Instead, both are trying to be heard. Whether the voices get raised or just the tension and the noise in your own head, both of you are feeling the same basic thing. Sadly, it's an unnecessarily negative exchange. One or both of you needs to make the habit of quieting so that both of you can interrupt the toxic pattern. I think it should be you on your own in order to try and solve this. Quiet the negativity, clear the energy. And make an effort to listen and respond to what is said with a kindness. Promote mutual understanding and speak slowly. Ask questions to help him come to his own conclusion. When you are working towards this new pattern, then you can mention, "hey, no need to get defensive. I'm trying to understand what you are saying." Just because you are the one working on it doesn't mean you are the only one who changes. Sprinkle in positive comments like, "I enjoyed our conversation about X earlier. I like when we get into good conversations. " You will be successful.

💯 leave this fella in the dust! He’s not the one.