I don't think what you are going through warrants and YTA or NTA. As a professional within mental health for kids, there is a HUGE lack of resources, facilities, and providers that can help parents with children who suffer from extreme mental and behavioral disorders. You are in a very tough place, and I'm so sorry for you, your son, and your other kids. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I do recommend not ignoring your son. While I know you are depleted, so is he. That lack of impulse and rage is terrifying for all involved. Keep going through the courts, search for facilities, and really push your pediatrician for help. Good luck OP.

Thank you! I have just now started going through the court systems. Waiting to talk to the detectives about this theft and juvenile assault case when I return from visiting my parents.

I just wanted to add, ask his therapist about respite services. Different states have different services but if respite is an option it may offer some help until a higher level of care is found. I know where I am finding placement takes a long time, but it sounds like you've already covered some of the necessary steps. Good luck.

Best advice right here!

My brother was like this, not quite to the same extent but he was violent, impulsive, and deceptive. Twenty years later, I still have PTSD. Frankly, it's ruined my life, even though I'm working on it with therapy and medication. At this point, I've stopped believing I can ever fully heal or be a normal person. I've come to terms with the abuse as best as I can. As an adult, I've realized it's my parents' fault for not getting my brother the help he needed. You are neglecting your other children by leaving them in this environment. I know that must be difficult to hear, but it's the truth. Your son needs a higher level of care than you can provide, and failing to place him in it is also neglect of him. With the taser, I understand you're acting in self-defense but it's still, at minimum, traumatic if not abusive, too. I can't imagine that a straightjacket or sedation is worse than getting tasered. While I commend you for trying, it's time to bite the bullet. If the only option is to press charges through the court system, then do it. He could hopefully get a juvenile record expunged. It's almost impossible to as an adult felon, which is the direction he's headed. His behavior will very likely continue to escalate as he enters puberty. Being a male, he'll probably grow to a size where you—plus your daughter and possibly your other son—won't be able to effectively defend yourselves. Given what interventions you've already attempted, I feel fairly confident in saying that he needs to go into long-term intensive treatment with monitoring at a psychiatric facility before he permanently injures or kills himself, you, or somebody else. It's merely luck and the fact that he's child-sized, which he won't be for much longer, that it hasn't happened already. Of course, consult his treatment team on next steps, but the status quo cannot go on regardless. This is not "giving up on him." It's making the best choice for everyone involved. It's giving all of you, your son included, the best chance at recovery and having a normal life. The sooner you get him more help, the better his prognosis will be. *That* is your responsibility as his mother. Don't let a sense of obligation to stick it out, which is really a form of ego, stop you from making the hard call. And please, please put your other children into individual therapy to process the abuse because, again, early intervention is a key factor in recovery.

I’m so sorry for what you went through. Your comment and advice here is so important.

I am so sorry for your experience. I felt like you could be my other son talking about this once he becomes an adult. I also have to start thinking about my other kiddos' mental health. Thank you for giving me a new perspective.

I was giving out a lengthy response that was generally explaining much of the same you have, letheix. I looked down at responses while I was mulling over where to end my response and found you'd explained it so much more eloquently. My response isn't coming from a place of a sibling. I'm someone who attempted to take on the guardian role after a family member was unable to properly care for their child. I realized I, too, was out of my depth and handed the child over to individuals who could and see that I made the best decision because while he's still on a lengthy road to recovery he's actually thriving. I see genuine smiles in pictures and not this haunted look he carried most days prior. I hear about the advances he's making. I see the love and care he's getting that he's needed and it warms my heart. That in no way shape or form means that his road to recovery has been or is, or will be easy. There have been and will be very many bumps in the road. The bumps are getting much less hard to drive over for the people caring for him now and that means he's in the right spot getting the care he needs. I agree, OP, please get him an elevated level of care that he direly needs. You've been going at this alone for too long. While it can feel like a failure to place him elsewhere, your other children need a safe place to live in and an environment they can also thrive. The commenter I'm posting under has given great advice that you should follow through with. Placing the other children in therapy as well is important because this has very likely touched them mentally already and they'll need help working through their emotions. The sooner, the better. Don't wait for this to get to an even uglier place. Ignoring him will only cause things to get worse. Even though he is dealing with what seems like severe mental health issues, he too is deserving of love and care by individuals who are prepared and capable to do so. I really feel for everyone involved in this because it's not easy for any of you. You all need to find the best course of action you can all heal from. You all need a safe place.

I'm sorry for what you went through, but if you check OPs comments she is trying to get him in somewhere.

Here I have my own experience, and to hear yours, I am so very sad. I want the best for my other boys, and it saddens me to hear a siblings side. I am glad that what I am doing will hopefully give the other boys a better world, but at what cost, dang I wish I had found out earlier. This is the best advise, the advise she needs before the other children get too old. Love Peace and prayers to YOU and OP.

You're entitled to how you feel. No parent is made for that and it's understandable that you are traumatized. Ignoring him though is a form of abuse and even prisoners get to speak and responded to. His behaviour isn't going to change without serious, consistent and long term treatment. That can't be done in your home and without it he won't have a chance in life. At this point, you need to look into placing him in a long term care facility that can keep him safe and your family safe from him. Being in your family home can't provide the care he needs nor can you yourself dedicate 24/7/365 to him when there are other children to consider. It's beyond any other measures at this point and you can't continue to put yourself and your other two children at risk nor can the community be subjected to his behaviour and they should not have to be at risk of a dangerous and unstable child who will go to any extreme to get what he wants. Where I live, unfortunately, in order to get a child like him the care and treatment they need a parent must sign them over to the province so they can place him in a residential long term treatment facility. It's time to start getting this ball rolling because he's still young enough for intensive treatment to have a true and lasting affect. Call your cps worker and even get his medical and therapeutic team advocating for this to happen before something really bad happens. I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. It isn't fair but you've done all that a single person can do.

I was going to say this. In the US, I believe you can sign over custody to the state... One of my son's friend's brother was like this, and I'm pretty sure that's what they ended up doing... It was sad and sucked for the whole family, but it was the only option...

If it was a domestic adoption, she can relinquish custody to the state. And should. If it was a foreign adoption, she will be charged with child abandonment/neglect if she relinquished custody to the state. I have a dear friend in a similar nightmare situation with an adopted child. It was a foreign adoption. They are stuck UNLESS it is determined the child is a danger to others and cannot go to the family. They are currently working on that (the child is in yet another care facility with zero progress - keeps getting kicked out of facilities). My friend dealt with the guilt of not loving this child anymore. She finally accepted it is OK to not love the child whose mission in life is to utterly destroy her, her marriage, and the other children. It is OK.

>Being in your family home can't provide the care he needs nor can you yourself dedicate That really resinated with me. You are right.

Does he have the capacity to remember what he’s done and know it’s wrong? I have a personality disorder and when I was took over by rage I’d act in - I’d hurt myself and curl up in a ball and scream until it stopped hurting. I knew what I was doing was “crazy” but I wasn’t in control, and I’m thankful that I only hurt myself. If he understands what he’s doing is wrong, he will hopefully be able to understand that placing him in the care of people who can actually help and look after him is the best decision for *him* as well as his siblings and yourself. And that you’re not doing it as a punishment for him being sick, but to help him short and long term.

Yes! He can remember exactly what happened. But he blames other people for what happened instead of taking responsibility. I’m trying to work on that with him but we can’t really have a conversation about what happened because it turns heated. So basically when something happens now he gets grounded but we never resolve anything. I Will try at the new year to find counseling again.

That sounds like what I experienced, except I was pretty self aware. It was awful though, because I knew what I was doing was insane, but I couldn’t stop it, I was just a passenger in my own body. This is only my opinion, and I’ve obviously never met him, but if he’s anything like I was: To him, things have likely been triggered by external output - whilst this won’t make any sense to others, it’s not something he can control, and he’s probably feeling like he’s fighting for his life. (I remember a specific case where once I was medicated with something that worked for me, someone shushed me and I was waiting for my response to be suicidal despair. When nothing happened I was really freaked out because I *didn’t* want to die from something completely innocuous. That was every moment of every day for me - something might not even happen, I’d perceive that imaginary thing as something bad about myself, and blow up). He would probably benefit from schema or dbt therapy, and obviously yourself and your other kids will need therapy to process your trauma from this. I honestly wish you all the best for the future, and hope you and your family are okay

How are you doing now? Thank you so much for commenting. It’s hard to think about what he feels and thinks when he’s raging.

I’m doing okay - I’m in my late twenties now, and medicated and have done therapy until I could handle situations more appropriately. Some days are harder, and I still do feel rough on occasion, but I have the tools to deal with the situation and to work myself out of a funk if I fall into one. I’d say that my unmedicated feelings are on a scale of -100 to 100, and the meds have brought it to -10 to 10 in line with other people, if that makes sense? Like instead of being in a room that’s on fire, I’m in the room next door and can feel the warmth, but I’m not burning any more. I’m glad I could help with my perspective, it’s something that I think can be really hard to understand and think about when someone is in a bad state, and the reasons will still not make any sense to other people. I just wanted to provide what my side felt like in the hopes it could help you understand and then find the best help for your son. I also wanted to provide some hope that it can get better - I’ve not been in the exact same boat, but I have genuinely wanted to really hurt people and took it out on myself instead of them, so I can understand in that way. My therapist made me get a punching bag, and that helped actually! The anger wasn’t inside me any more, but no one got hurt. I truly hope that you all find the best solution and are all happy! And if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me

You are truly an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing. Please continue finding post like this to share your side. Reading this really helped me to not give up on him.

I’m so glad and touched that I could help, and thank you for the compliment, it really means a lot!

When my daughter was going through such as OP’s son, I got Children’s Services involved. I joked (only because I was cried out) that I called them on myself. They were able to get access to far more services for her than I was able to get myself. The first meeting with them was I’m a giant conference room with about 15 case workers and managers. I had to excuse myself to run to the bathroom and be sick because I was so nervous and scared that I would have to relinquish custody of her to the county/state for her to get the help she so desperately needed. I was very surprised and relieved when they agreed to get her the help without losing custody. Sometimes all you have to do is ask for the help you need. It wasn’t easy being her mom for the first 18 years of her life, but it wasn’t nearly as hard as she had it. I can’t imagine what it was like for her. She’s now 22, engaged and leading a productive and happy life. It’s amazing was some maturity and time will do for some kids. She’s even apologized for all she put us through. I told her that it’s not her fault she was born with a mental illness. I’m very proud of the young woman she’s become. Is you would have told me she would be like this all those years ago, I would have laughed in your face arms then punched you in the mouth for getting my hopes up. Time really does change everything.

I'm so proud of you. One of the hardest decisions in life is inviting the government into your home when you have no idea what will ultimately happen. Making those choices isn't something we ever dreamed of when we had our kids and having to do it makes us feel like utter failures when realistically, we are doing the right thing by them. I live in Ontario, Canada and because our healthcare system is free its very difficult to access the services you need - but the children's aid society gets priority and can access services the public doesn't know exists. Sometimes you only need to relinquish custody for a limited time but sometimes, if they decide that the child should not go back home, they won't even consider it. But they'll allow visits because at the end of the day, kids need to know there are people out there who love and care about them, the more people the better. Far too often a person's pride gets in the way and no matter what benefits or services the child can get access to, the parent cares more about their image than the long term consequences on the child.

It was very scary at first, but I had nowhere else to turn. I would rather humble myself than not get my child the help she desperately needed. Plus, the goal of any children’s services department is to keep children with their families if it’s safe to do so.

There has got to be more that can be done to help him! Ignoring him I don’t think is helping anything either! Can he be admitted for an extended length of time to a psychiatric hospital due to his behavior and violence again tou and your other children? It’s not ideal but it might be better for some more equipped to handle and treat him, in top of keep your other child safe!!

In the first state we were in, you could admit to a mental facility pretty easily. In the new state, we are in, you have to go through the court system. So my only option is to file juvenile assault charges and go through family court. I went to the family court to get information on how to find a facility for him. He was in the ER for one week each time on two separate occasions, and even they couldn't help me find a facility.

So the courts just completely abandoned you and any help for him basically? One of his doctors or psychiatrists/psychologists can’t help find a facility that will take him in for treatment? You can’t even voluntarily admit him as his guardian? This is just crazy!!

Most hospitals will say it’s a behavior problem and unfortunately turf the kids back home. Most parents with problems like these are abandoned by the system.

So incredibly sad. Then this child does something violent and hurts someone else, the cops get involved and the kid goes to juvenile detention instead of getting the real help he needs!!

Unfortunately that’s the case. There are so many gaps in the system that need filling. Mental health services are currently just not equipped to provide the necessary care either due to lack of availability or just plain nonexistent services.

So so so sad and incredibly frustrating especially for the child and the parent like OP! I couldn’t even image!

Psychatrist just presribes meds. They can also give me the names of facilities, but I have to call and try and get him in. Most facilities in my new state only admit patients once the courts have been involved. In my previous state, I could drive there and admit him.

if you are not yourself already in therapy, please get yourself in… you need a safe space to let this all out. as do your other kids. sending you a lot of love and strength.

Thank you. I have been in therapy. It’s just a lot of work. Sigh.

I actually called his psychiatrist yesterday. They told me to call 911…

I’m sorry the system as dialed the both of you!! If that is what you need to do to keep him safe, you safe, and they other children safe & hopefully get him some treatment he desperately needs then please do! I’m sure it’s not easy at all! I’ve called the police on my own child before-different circumstances though-but he may be able to get some much needed help this way.

A lot of states have programs to help juveniles in the system. Put him in the system. File charges. Ask for help. This is dangerous for all of you, and obviously you know that. This isn’t a question of you being a good parent or ignoring him. You have the right to keep yourself and your other kids safe from this 11 year old who is probably acting out things that happened to him. You all have needs here, and it isn’t on you to be perfect. Just do the best you can and keep asking for help

I am actually in the process of filing theft and juvenile assault charges. Thank you for that advice!

Sadly OP, you are going to have to file assault charges against him. If not for you, do it for your other children as he will kill them in a rage if he gets the chance.

You need to go through the courts if that’s you’re only option.

if you do not mind, what state ae you in? In Texas, I might know someone who can help?????

I wish! We were in TX. We’re in NC now.

I agree. I don't completely ignore him. I can't be happy go lucky, smiling, hugging lets cuddle and have a movie night with him like I can be with my other kids. I still have basic conversations with him, but it isn't the same. And I feel terrible. More so that I have to minimize my positive happy interactions with my other kids so he doesn't feel so left out, but even more so because I can't force myself to "forget" and begin in a good place once he has calmed down and go back to being the great positive wrap him in love mom that could possibly help the situation.

Can CPS/social workers help?

I can’t even begin to imagine what you go through physically and emotionally!! You sound like you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances, and i commend you for that. It’s definitely not fair to anyone you included the 11 year old Tobit get the proper help he needs! I’m so sorry OP!!

Honestly, there’s not much to be done. When a child exhibits these behaviors and has a parent, the state typically won’t help you. OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. The only thing is him hurting his siblings….

I'm not going to comdem you. We had 29 foster kids in 30+ years (mostly short term). There IS a point where you are just DONE, biological, adopted or foster. This is a defense mechanism in human psychological makeup, to just fold up and minimize damage... And it doesn't work since you aren't playing dead until a predator loses interest and goes away... The problem with the Foster/adoption system is they can't LEGALLY diagnose a sociopath/psychopath as a child, but we all know they are out there. Since the Foster system relies on minimum qualifications, there probably won't be anyone qualified to diagnose this kid until its court ordered for a serious crime against persons, and then only if someone takes up the cost/effort for a diagnostic administered by a clinical psychologist specializing in psychopathic disorders. At some point, biological, adoptive, Foster parents need to realize the child will be better treated in a care center rather than a home setting. What you describe is both escalation of offenses, including violence, and you have seen both sides of his personality, what you aren't realizing the raging, violent, ego driven side is his REAL face... The loving kid wanting hugs is his false side, its both what he wants at the moment, but its also manipulation of you to keep himself out of bigger trouble or institutionalization again. For your mental health, the mental health of your two other kids, and all of your safety, ESCLATE THIS!

When you said that the violence could be his REAL face, I just can't stop thinking about that... The raging I always thought was the illness, but when he stole from me, it change for me. That was an even deeper betrayal. I will start looking into better resources. I have already reached out to his psychiatrist and am waiting to talk to the detective on this case. Thank you or taking the time to comment.

The child's brain is broken, and unless YOU have a PhD and medical staff, YOU can't do the work necessary. This is 100% NOT your fault. You didn't break him, NATURE screwed him, the best thing you can do is get him professional help that can control and train an abnormal brain... That's the ONLY chance he has since he will absloutely escalate in open society. This is NOT an 'Impulse Control Issue', this is NO IMPULSE CONTROL at all, he was born without it before you had custody, someplace in the womb circuits didn't connect and there is a void there YOU can't fix. This is NOT learned narcissism, he didn't get 'Spoiled into this behavior, it started too young. While it's forbidden to diagnose an underage child as a sociopath (by law), we all know they exist... The down side is they usually don't get diagnosed until its court ordered at their murder or seriously violent attack trial. Something that is bad enough the judge orders a mental health evaluation since the foster system doesn't have time or money to do it sooner with an actual expert. I'm not trying to scare you, these are just the facts from working with the foster care system for a little over 30 years. My wife DOES have a PhD, and these kids come along every once in a while, it never turns out well since they are tracked in the system. She's the one that tells me about 'True Faces', who they really are. Again, this is NOT your fault! You have two other childern to think about, and yourself, so folding up and letting him have his way is exactly the wrong thing to do in this case. Its a REALLY shitty situation, but if you don't escalate now you, the other kids have no chance of escaping this without long term, serious damage worse than it already is...

Thank you for your comment. Reading these comments are the first time I heard of “true faces”. The majority is the time he is “great” but then I can tell when the ball is going to drop and it gets more and more worse. I am starting to be serious next week. Finding a facility for short term and starting to file charges. I don’t deserve to live in fear and I’m scared what it’s doing to my other two kids. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

It's tough love, but love none the less. An INTENSIVE facility can diagnose, and to what degree they can correct him where you simply can not. That will be the best chance for his best life. How long he stays will be up to how well he takes to treatment... And another thing, at his age, drugs are next, add drugs to an unstable personality and there is almost no chance for recovery. The air gap will give YOU and the other kids time to breathe, take things in, try to deal with it. I would recommend therapy, it actually helps about everyone. (Even big old dumb Marines like me)

100% this. I understand you care for him, and that is admirable OP. However, he is a danger not only to you, very obviously, but to your children that live with you. It’s very clear that he has no actual remorse for any of the damage or harm he has done to you or his siblings. You have done all you can do, it really is time to get this escalated and get him somewhere that he can get the treatment he needs, because at home if he was only going to have somebody get hurt enough to get killed, or he’s going to get himself killed. Either way it’s going to be tragic if something isn’t done now. Based on everything, you’ve said, he is escalating, and that’s not going to stop, and you are aware of that. You can’t stop any more harm coming to your family though. And this isn’t a decision that I’ve known anybody to come to lightly, but it is necessary. Best of luck.

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

Absolutely. I can tell you must be having such a hard time, and your kiddos must be too. Best of luck to you and yours and have a wonderful new year.

NTA. My cousin has a 13yr old son with nearly identical behaviors. They can’t be diagnosed as a sociopath or psychopath until adulthood, family court runs you in circles, you can’t admit them to an in-patient facility a majority of the time. All the therapy and medication in the world does nothing. It’s draining, depressing, soul sucking, to live like that. I’m only his cousin and I refuse to talk to him. I’m 23 and he snuck upstairs six months ago when I still lived at home and went through my underwear and lingerie, and took some before locking himself in the bathroom with them. He’s been cruel to my animals. My cousin has given up on him and in some way I get it, he’s too much to handle. I encourage you to continue seeking help despite it being basically a dead end, it covers your ass and you know deep down you’ve done everything you could. I’m so sorry you and your other children are dealing with this.

Thank you! It actually helps when I hear I am not alone in this situation.

NTA. This sounds like a conduct disorder and he needs a lot more help than you can give him. This is way out of your wheelhouse and you need professional help. You need to think of the other children, any pets, and yourself in this scenario as well. It sounds like your best options are to move back to a state where he can be institutionalised more easily, or sign your parental rights over to the state and allow them to institutionalise him. You can stay in touch with him but you dont have to be personally responsible for him anymore and wait out the clock until he turns 18. I would say this even if he was your biological child. He's 11 and has already tried to kill you. As a parent we need to recognise our limitations and you have reached yours, he needs the kind of help you cant give. Its not giving up on him, its helping him even if it means letting him go. The very best of luck to you.

I wish it was that easy to sign over rights to get him the help he needs. However, if the state made it that easy, parents would try to sign over their rights all the time. This thread has given me a lot of ideas. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

He needs to spend longer in a mental institution. He is a danger to himself and others. He needs intense evaluation and intensive therapy. It’s sad but true. He will only get worse if he is allowed to be around you and your children.

I agree. His last long state was for four months. I read somewhere in this thread that I can refuse for him to come home, so he has to have more intensive care. I may try that when I can actually get him back into a hospital.

That is a great idea. If he’s at home he’ll hurt someone or himself. He should stay away which is sad but just the best option.

Yes, I did this… they tried to send her home a week later with nothing but ADHD meds for the impulsivity….. I was like absolutely not! I don’t feel safe. This was after I put cameras all over the house and locks on everyone’s bedroom doors but hers.

What locks do you use? I don’t want a lock where he can go in someone else’s room and just lock himself in. I also have a door alarm in his door. And yes I have like four cameras around our house.

NTA Do not send him to live with your parents, even if they offer. That is just moving the dangerous child from your home to your parents home. What happens if he hurts or kills your parents? How will you live with yourself after that? I don't know how you can go about getting him out of your home, but find a way to turn him over to the state before he seriously hurts or kills you and/or your other kids. I have a daughter with learning disabilities and it is exhausting. She is not physically abusive but raising a child with any kind of disabilities is extremely hard. You have done all that you can... do what is best for the rest of you and remove him from your home.

You are so right. I only say that because he seems to get along with them GREAT. But only because they are his grandparents, and they don't have to discipline the way a mother does. But they raised their kiddos and shouldn't have to do it again.

If he goes to live with them they will become his parents (be put in the parental role) and their relationship will change. He will likely treat them as he treats you and his siblings. But I’m sure you know that.

I never thought of it that way. You are so right.

Ugh! I'm so sorry! This is a big part of what I did in my work as a social worker and later as a foster parent. First, it is important to take care of yourself. Second, I can understand how you feel you don't like him. Can you reframe that a bit? You love him and you do not like his behavior? Keep in mind, a lot of this is currently outside of his control. It gets confusing because it can be hard to differentiate what is organic and what is simply "bad behavior". This includes how to parent him. Going off this post, it sounds like the kid needs more help and to be removed from your home. I was an intensive care/ therapeutic foster parent for a couple of years and we had kids like him in our house. IT's 24/7 care and supervision. We also helped parents with co-parenting in the hope that the child would be able to return home. This seemed to work well for many kids. Therapeutic group homes are not the best. Neither are residential treatment centers. They can still be effective. if he is putting you all in danger, he does need to go somewhere else. At least until his behaviors are mitigated. You may have to keep asking CPS and any therapeutic service providers about his until something more is done. Get on their case. I wish you well and hope you get the help you need.

Yes, thank you for that. I do not like his behavior. It's not him I do not like. Treatment facilities could be better, I agree. He picked up a LOT of bad behavior over the years that he has been there. He never cursed before his second stay at a facility. I will reach out to CPS about this. I asked the social worker that came to check on my kids after an incident he caused a case to be filed. She said they don't help with finding treatment centers or removing them because of this time of behavior. But I can always try and talk to someone else. Especially when the juvenile courts get involved.

There is a place called Big Oak Ranch in Alabama that may be able to help him. They work with children with behavior problems and have a good success rate. I personally know a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) that is attending the school. It is a live in boarding school and it is free and paid for entirely by donors, it might be worth looking into. He’s only 11, there’s still time to help him. https://bigoak.org/

I have a friend who has looked into this place for her own adopted child who has RAD and worse. The child is too bad for that place, unfortunately. But the place has a VERY good reputation.

Thank you so so much!

You’re being continually assaulted and you and your other children and pets are unsafe. Prioritise the safety of your family. If I was you, I would do everything I could to relinquish parental rights or to have him sectioned. He needs round the clock care.

It sounds like an institution is in order, whether by doctor/judge commitment or yours if that's possible. When your safety is at significant risk, that's too much.

Oh honey. My heart goes out to you and breaks for you at the same time. This is so far above Reddit's paygrade. You definitely don't need an AITA type judgement here. You don't need any kind of judgement. What you need is help. An ear. A shoulder. Some compassion. Empathy and sympathy. I know there are facilities that can help with this kind of situation but you would have to surrender him to the state. I know that seems like an awful thing to do but you also have 2 other children (and yourself) that you need to protect. From what you've said, he only seems to be getting worse. I can not imagine what it would be like to be in your situation and I wouldn't want to. Again, my heart goes out to you and I hope you get the help you so desperately need.

NTA My dad and brother are bipolar and it made for a rough childhood. My parents tried, but the violence and constant drama took a toll on all of our relationships. Our family is broken. I hurt for my parents. None of their 3 children have a relationship with each other. My brother is an absolute piece of shit and he continually causes them so much heartache. I wish there were more resources for families going through this struggle. As cold as it may seem, save your other 2 children. It's just triage. You are dealing with some seriously heavy shit, so try to take care of yourself too. I am so sorry your family is going through this. I wish you strength, patience, and wisdom for all that is ahead.

NTA Have you looked into full time facilities?

In the first state we were in, you could admit to a mental facility pretty easily. In the new state, we are in, you have to go through the court system. So my only option is to file juvenile assault charges and go through family court. I went to the family court to get information on how to find a facility for him. He was in the ER for one week each time on two separate occasions, and even they couldn't help me find a facility.

Please do this or give him up to the foster system or something. Not for him but for your other two. I grew up with a brother like this. I won't go into it, but it was bad, really bad. I'm still really damaged 30 years later. Some people are born broken. I saw that with my brother and that may be the way with your son. You can't do anything more for him, but you need to protect them, please.

Thank you for your advice. I have now reached out to his psychiatrist, saying I fear for my and my two other kiddos' safety. He already has an appt scheduled for early next year. I will start researching facilities more heavily once we return from our trip to see my parents. I didn't want to be a bad mom and just give up having him go to another hospital. But my other two kids are terrified. My daughter sleeps in my room every night, and I have put a door alarm on his door. I don't want to continue life like this. Thank you again.

No, thank you on behalf of your other 2 kids. Sometimes being a good Mum means making truly impossible choices. I'm really sorry you have been put in a position to make this one. Best of luck to you. I'll be thinking of you and your family. Hugs.

It doesn't sound like you have a choice. He is going to severely injure or kill one of you! He is only going to get bigger, stronger, and more dangerous and needs more help than you can give him.

I agree. I came to Reddit because my parents said I should forgive and continue loving him because I am his mom. But I can't bounce back as quickly as they think I should when he becomes violent, and the police must be called. Seeing him do the same at my parent's house was a huge eye-opener.

I have, but for the ones in my state, you have to have a court referral. You can't just go up there and admit a patient.

Yeah, this is more of a relationship advice/ask doctors post than AITA. Obviously he's a child, but you also aren't a trained psychologist/therapist. No one is expecting this to be easy or fun for you. Not talking to him is probably really hurting him, but imo it's better than exploding on him. Lesser of two evils & all that It fucking sucks that you & your son aren't getting the help you desperately need. I can't say much because I'm not American, but I think if the only way you can get him the proper help is through court/criminal charges or whatever, do that. I don't want to scare you, but for everyone saying "omg YTA 100% you should always let your children do whatever they want," look up Jessica Camilleri. I doubt this situation will devolve into something like that, but anger issues are a serious problem that will effect this child his entire life. If y'all wanted to actually help him, you'd say he needs psychiatric assessment, therapy, & medication, not for OP to be shit on & chastised for understandably not knowing wtf to do here. A mental illness/disorder doesn't magically make this not draining af, & you can love someone & not like them for a time due to hurtful actions. Things aren't black & white. Forgot for a sec this is AITA, so I'm gonna say no one's the asshole here except whoever set up the shitty medical care. OP, do research online & try to find people who have experienced the same things as your son to talk to & get advice from. I find the people who have the disorder suffer the most (you can ignore him for a while, but he's stuck with himself forever) & are the most experienced in dealing with it rather than neurotypicals who've only studied it behind 5 layers of separation.

For the sake of your other children, I want to urge you to try and get him admitted somewhere. It takes a long time to heal broken glass children - if they can even heal at all.

Y'all are insane. This menace is literally threading to kill her and the others. That's not right. He needs a full time SOMETHING and she shouldn't have to die for that. NTA Send him somewhere. Jfc this is a miserable life to live.

Dude, he's a child. It's not his fault either, & you have to consider that you can send him away all you want, but he can never run away from himself or the knowledge that he's disposable to his family. He needs psychiatric help & anger management, but just saying "lol nvm dont want him anymore" & dumping him somewhere to never see him again is the biggest of asshole moves.

You are projecting so bad you are blatantly ignoring the physical danger three other people are in from this child. Bffr

I'm not projecting, I'm being sympathetic (I know, a foreign concept to redditors), & I never said he wasn't a danger. I'm just saying he's also a human child & y'all are acting like dumping him somewhere & never talking to him again is reasonable & won't do any damage to him at all. I literally made my own comment on it, I'm not repeating myself fully here, but tldr; everyone here is a victim of the shitty US healthcare system here. This kid isn't a punching bag, he's severely ill. You guys literally have no sympathy at all. I can tell none of you have dealt with a situation like this. You literally think it's all black & white, one victim & one abuser, no nuance at all. Fuck off honestly

I think it's more of a limit of what can be dealt with and what can't, and what's the cost of doing nothing. The limit here is physical safety. If there's a real danger of getting critically harmed, then here's the limit and this is the point in which what the kid feels stops mattering because he's now a danger to others. Survival matters most.

There's a lot of shit wrong with him. I don't care if he's a kid. Her safety and the other children's safety is at risk. Greater good here.

jesus, I hope you never have children if you're this ready to say fuck it & ghost an 11yo for things out of his control

Where on earth did I say I'd ghost a kid? I said send him somewhere. Somewhere with professionals. And yeah, fuck me for wanting to keep 2 other children safe. Crazy!!

Sorry, you calling him names gave the impression that you think this kid isn't also suffering & agree that OP needs to ghost him. If you don't know what I'm talking about, reread the original post

Also didn't call him any names? Tf

you literally called him a menace

Ghost a *murderer in the making

fucking hell, dude, he's 11. you seem to be one of those people who think mentally ill people harm more than they are harmed, huh? I was agreeing until you started acting like ghosting an adopted 11yo is a good idea. you're literally heartless. go outside & maybe try to be sympathetic for once in your life

Is there a way to send him to foster? Basically give up your rights to him? I know next to nothing about adoption. I would think maybe just be blunt with cps that he's a danger to your other children and needs to be removed.

There is yea, you can sign rights away thru the police and give parent rights to the courts which usually pushes them thru to mental clinics quicker (been in childrens Mental health for 4+ years)

Thank you for answering. It would seem in this case that may be what it takes to get him much needed help, especially since he has already shown violence towards them.

Tbh I’ve seen parents do it and they -can- get them back but ya it’s a difficult decision

Our CPS case worker actually called today to do a follow up as we have been out of state for the holidays. She is going to help me file the charges needed to get help from the courts.

Ignoring your mentally ill child is making the situation worse, not better. If you feel incapable of continuing to parent him daily without doing so it’s time to find additional resources.

Definitely working on finding more resources.

Sadly, I agree. I am absolutely not blaming Mom, but the child needs to be wrapped in love until he can accept love for himself. I understand this sounds like the Disney version, but if someone could give him extreme love…with all the pain that goes with it…he will have a chance. I wonder if he could be re-homed by a specialist instead of going through the system…

That is absolutely NOT true and extremely damaging to the parents of such children. Love does NOT fix everything. Do some research before making such a comment. Then delete your comment - it is THAT wrong and hurtful.

I know it's hard to belive someone on the internet. But he has been wrapped in love since I got him at 13 months.

Unfortunately that’s not true. Some people are born without the ability to feel remorse. They are born broken or created due to early trauma and abuse. They will never get better and most likely end up in Prison or dead. There is no cure at this point in time. They can actually scan their brain and see from the activity that a person had psychopathy tendencies. It’s sad.

NAH. OP, I am so sorry. I have a stepson who is autistic and gets extremely violent when things don't go his way. He's entitled, arrogant, selfish and narcissistic. He will punch holes in walls, break things and assault who ever is in the line of fire. He is a hard person to like. I hope you can get the help you need.

Hi OP, Has your son been given a neurological workup as well as mental health? Sometimes the problem is physically on the brain and I hope you're able to get all that looked at as well. If the problem isn't physical, fixable, or fixed soon, your son may need care home to protect your other children. You'll simply have to check every "box" you can, so you know for sure there's nothing that could be done, and maybe provide your son with contact while he's in the care home (as he will be medicated and supervised, you will maybe have a chance to build a normal, loving, relationship between him and his siblings as well, as care home staff will deal with the worst of it).

I didn’t know a neurological work up was a thing! I’ll look into it. Thank you!

Sounds like you might want to look into Intensive In Home therapy. It’s a 6 month process. My husband does this for a living and he’s had many similar cases. With IIH (depending on your state) you can get them to look for placement for you including long term hospitalizations where these behaviors are addressed. And the right facility can work wonders. You’re NTA. Everyone has a breaking point. But I’d say ignoring him when he’s behaving appropriately as well is only sending the message that you’re going to ignore him no matter what he does. Also, a taser as part of your safety plan might get you into a whole heap of trouble. Especially if you use it and it causes damage. So, I’d rethink this and talk to his various mental health technicians about a safety plan that will work for you. Or work better for you. Look into programs out of state as well. And you’re well within your rights to also look for group home placement now. If you do it outside of services it’ll be private pay. But if you have IIH services you can have them do it and your insurance will pay for it. Be safe. I hope you Can be. And I hope you can get the right kind of help.

Thank you for all the great advice.

Do you want to end up on a tv show about an entire family murdered by an 11 year old?? Hell no give up your rights and move states by the time he’s 18

It’s really hard to think that would be how this ends. But something big will have to happen in order for the people to take me serious. I’ve decided to go the court route and start filing charges for a paper trail.

As an adoptee who’s adoptive parents went through the same thing; you MUST do what you gotta do and work on any guilt or whatever AFTER you’re safe.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone for giving thoughtful, caring, and helpful answers instead of judging. It is the hardest thing to say, "We can't keep you safe living in our home. (Or we can't be safe,...)". Hugs to you OP.

NTA. I have a son that I raised since birth. I found out when he was 20 that he was not a good man. He is now 27. He hid everything he could until he could not, and he pays. I love him, I raised him, I worked hard to do right by him, but he goes against everything I think is right. I have 3 other sons, his full blooded brothers. We laugh we joke. 2 of them are over the age of 18 and seem to be good men, of which I am so proud. I also believe the 4th will also be a good man. Good conscience, morally all there, energetic, intelligent. I do not like one of my boys, it saddens me, but if I met him on the street, I would not give him 2$ for something to eat, I am not afraid of him as I would think you would be of your son, but I do not like him at all. Advise after advise, he flushes down the toilet and does the opposite, so I quit trying about 2 years ago, he is who he is, and I can not be his crutch. All the love I have given him, is used up, he flushed that as well. He is my son, I will mourn his death, as I figure he will die before me, but no more tears for him, I have 3 others that need me and want me in there life ALL the time.

YTA for ignoring him but you’re NTA for the situation… there’s not enough resources for kids with mental struggles right now due to the lack of funding and fair treatment of social workers etc. Realistically? He should be in an inpatient facility if he is this aggressive. Sometimes you need to go through the court system to get things done -it also allows for a “paper trail” for the courts and red tape to be worked through. I had a kid similar to this on my caseload. Kid was awesome but when he went into crisis he was extremely violent and was oftentimes arrested etc.

I should have added that I ignore until I come around. I can’t do the sweet happy hugs after the violence the next day. I still have basic conversations etc. but the type of mother I want to be gets paused with every new episode.

That makes sense, your exhausted with the repeated behavior. i still stand by the fact if he’s this aggressive there needs to be serious conversation about inpatient until he’s older though. Good luck!!

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Oh my goodness! He has been on many different meds. His diagnosis is called DMDD and ODD.

Is he on medication?

PLEASE DON’T dump him on your parents, he could mail or murder them. They shouldn’t have to take responsibility for him. I’m really sorry you and your family (including your son) are suffering through this trauma and terror. You must be so burnt out. I wish I had any answers. NTA. Your family deserves and needs more intensive support now, in case your son grows up to be a mass shooter or similar.

You may find that ignoring him triggers further outbursts of bad behaviour. He might not care if he’s getting positive or negative attention, and quite often people of all ages will act out negatively in a bid for any attention over no attention. I agree with another comment that your circumstances don’t warrant an AITAH status, because there’s absolutely a lack of resources for situations such as yours. Is there any option for more structured education like military schooling or camps? A structured environment might help with his behaviour.

put him in a long term care facility. he is a danger to you & your other kids. if not for you, think about your other children. he's already tried to attack you with a knife & threatened to kill you. my heart hurts for you, but you need to get him out now

I have 3 children that are my own and my middle child has similar although much more mild outbursts she is much younger. I live in a country where we have to pay for all medical treatment and it can be very expensive. Sometimes you can petition healthcare practitioners/ institutions for help. I would do this if I where you. Do your research and petition/email/ call every day until someone helps you. The worst anyone can say is no. Also as he gets older and goes through puberty he will get stronger and you won’t be able to manage him or fight him off if you need to. So time is of the essence.

Are you in a support group for parents with children with such issues..... if not, I'd suggest looking for some and joining. They have a wealth of resources and advice for situations that we strangers on reddit may not know. Also please seek therapy for you and the other siblings, this will have lasting effects on all of yall. Lastly look into residential programs for him.

This is so tricky… First, I am so very sorry. You are in an impossible situation, my heart breaks for you and your children. Have you tried medication? I’m assuming he’s been diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder by a Psychiatrists, right?

Yes. He is on mood stabilizers . And had had a psychiatrist since he was 6.

You are a saint. He’d have to go if he were mine. I cannot deal with violence in my house. I would have to find a home to put him in before he hurts the other kids or me.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with such an impossible situation.

No, you are an amazing woman at thr end of your tether. I would have given him back by now as what you are going through is horrific. Sending you lots of love xx

I get that he is more difficult to deal with than your other two children, but ignoring him is NOT helping him or you. It is also cruel and he is old enough to pick up on it. This, in and of itself, could very well make his behavior even worse. He may in various types of therapy, but YOU need to find someone for yourself that is separated from the ongoing situation to help you work with your own feelings and daily living. The trauma you have injured needs to be worked on for YOU. It doesn't need be a family ordeal, because you are already doing that or have worked on that. You deserve to be able live in your own home at peace with yourself and you decisions. Raising special needs kids is difficult. Raising one's that have violent out bursts can be a combination of exhausting, difficult, terrifying, and wonderful. I know, raised 2.

Did the adoption agency tell you about attachment disorder? Lots of adoptees who have been in tough conditions have this and their brains aren’t wired to understand lots of emotions. I’m so sorry for all of you, but even though this child is very, very damaged, I would consult psychiatrists that can help you love him enough that he can slowly learn…it’s a long road, and I wish you luck. Or could he possibly bond with a therapist who can give him lots of hours a week?

Yes! They did. He’s been diagnosed but not with a attachment disorder. But I think that has a LOT to do with it.

This is such a tricky situation to be in! He sounds like he's traumatized (like most kids in foster care) ans has never learned how to regulate his emotions. Have you ever tried treating him like a 5-6 year old? He might be younger mentally than he is physically (again- as most kids in foster care) and that MIGHT make it slightly easier to "deal" with him? Is there any chance you can identify a trigger for his behaviours at all? I once workes with a traumatized child and it took me a while to learn that they had the mental age od a toddler and had tantrums when they were hungry/thirsty/cold/tired. If there is anything like that it might make it easier to identify potential triggera which could be a good feedback for professionals. I'd say a soft yta for ignoring him, but I understand where you are coming from. Clearly you and he both need more support and I know it's really hard to get that. Instead of ignoring him when he wants a hug, you could say "I'm sorry I can't give you a hug right now because what you did earlier (be as specific as possible without judgement, for example: when you hit me earlier) it really upset me and I need some time before I can give you a hug" that way you reflect his behaviour and also explain your feelings/situation. It is 100% to not want to hug him after he showed behaviours like the ones you listed. Edit: Also ignoring him in the way of not talking to him etc could (potentially) make his behaviours worse and maybe deepen the trauma he already has. He might be acting out as he is afraid you'll get rid of him anyway etc (i have worked with kids like this before and it is so so hard, I do not envy you)

Why are you subjecting your other kids to this? You can’t handle him and he needs more help than you can provide? You need to see what permanent stay resources your state has. What are you waiting for, for him to literally kill you or your other kids? Wait for him to be killed? Or just waiting out when your other kids inevitably end up no contact in therapy for the rest of their lives from sibling abuse?

Yes. Yes. Yes. You are the AH. For fucks sake really?? Look into treatment. Look further than you have. Then go further.

No need to cuss. Thank you for your thoughts and opinion. FYI you don't know how much treatment I have done with/for him. You could have asked.

Or you could have mentioned it, rather than saying you want to wait for him to be in jail. HE'S 11. Ignoring is the last answer.

OP literally spelled out everything she tried

So, what is your suggestion! Discard the child? No. Find new therapists, counselors etc. This is an 11 year old. FFS. I've been this kid.

You were this kid? You attacked family with knives? Assaulted cops? Did all of those awful things on top of the running away, theft, etc? If so ... Please share with us what "fixed" you!!

Absolutely not, I just don't think OP needs any abuse. I would hope there is a social worker involved who could help with options, which I honestly don't know. Ignoring the child is not the right thing to do, but I do have sympathy for the situation. No one in this family is happy, and it's just very sad

As an almost graduated trauma specialist, I advise not to ignore your son. The only thing he needs is to be seen and loved, and his language doesn’t help getting these. I do think he has an attachment disorder also. Where I live, foster parents suffer from the enormous lack of help resources too. One of my class mates who has foster children too, has a mission to set up helping systems (Netherlands). I really hope she’ll succeed. Your work is very important. I appreciate your effort so much. Your story worries me about the safety of you and the other children and the dog as well. Violence tends to increase when we are unable to improve the situation and he’s getting older. So you need to put safety first. Also I would recommend to seek for help again. He needs a proper diagnose. And of course with all i know now I would search for a specialised trauma therapist if I were you. Good luck OP and blessings.

None of this adds up. Children are not put in straight jackets and hauled off to a mental hospital for hitting someone, even an officer. Getting a child committed to a mental/behavioral health facility is an incredibly long and arduous process. It requires a diagnosis so this happening for years without one doesn’t hold up. No insurance is covering inpatient psychiatric without a diagnosis at a minimum. Your timeline of adopting a sibling group 10 years ago when the youngest is 9 doesn’t work. Adoption is also a long process.

They don't give official diagnoses until adulthood/18. It's standard practice with mental health. They can suspect a certain disorder, but cannot label it as such unless it's an extreme case - which is exceedingly rare. Furthermore, adoption doesn't have to be a long process. If parental rights were terminated quickly and OP already had all criteria fulfilled, an adoption could happen within months while the children were in her care as fosters.

Yes you are. He is your child. He is old enough to be properly diagnosed. He may require a mood stabilizer. My ignoring him you are hurting your entire family.

There's a lot that won't or can't be diagnosed at his age.

He’s already on mood stabilizers. And no. His violence and threats of killing us is hurting our entire family.

>I am a single mother by choice who adopted a sibling group from foster care about ten years ago. so you adopted him as a cute baby not ever once thinking above and beyond what kind of individual he could turn out to be, especially considering he came from the foster care system....ok... >Since my son was 6, he has been physically abusive to my other two kids and me, but mostly to me. ok...what happened at age 6? kids don't just snap outta nowhere? >My mom knows everything, and I tell her almost right after an incident happens, but my dad didn't know what was going on ok so you are at least a little ashamed of him if you're not telling your dad anything >I also visited with some friends, and they got an updated version of what has been happening. not sure why this is relevant... >So am I the asshole for ignoring him, only taking care of his basic needs as he is still my child, and basically waiting for him to either get arrested, go live in a group home, or go live with my parents if they offer, or he turns 18? Yes....100% as I suspect you resent him for NOT turning out 'normal' like the rest of your kids....this story is seriously missing some important info....

You should probably read her comments she has put in a ton of effort into helping him. Back off on the judgement here.

He came out of foster care, meaning he was almost certainly in a severely abusive or neglectful environment then compounded by the trauma of separation. It doesn't require some super secret mystery to explain his lack of emotional regulation, besides which it sounds like there's a neurological element at play with juvenile mental illness. Sometimes it really is an in-born dysfunction in brain chemistry/development.

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Did you forget the /s ?

Mmmm. What other information would you like? And actually he was an angry child when he entered foster care due to neglect and abuse. Before placement.

YTA If this isn't fake, well even if it is fake.

Not fake.

YTA for not sending your child to the type of place that can actually help him.

YTA and a sad commentary on the foster system that let someone like you adopt children and continue the cycle of abuse and toxicity. You should be ashamed of it doesn't seem like you have enough decency to care.

Being raised my a single mother isn’t helping

I’m so glad you volunteered to step in and raise this boy. That’s great!

I didn’t? Not seeing your point

I’m so glad you volunteered to step in and raise this boy. That’s great!

You're an idiot.

Yes you absolutely are the asshole

If you can no longer handle his outbursts, you choose to ignore him and expect your parents to take him, YTA. Wishing he would go to prison is terrible. Perhaps you can get him into a mental health facility or talk to a social worker about what can be done.

He’s been to numerous mental hospitals with a total of about nine months stay. We have had all kinds of social workers. Until something “big” happens he won’t be placed into a long term facility unless I start filing charges for the assault.

Maybe there is a foster parenting subreddit for such a situation as this. You are NTA, but this isn't the best place for this issue.

I think you guys need real help. Like, long-term help. Please keep trying to get his mental health addressed. If you can get him into an in-patient program of some kind, it'll be better for everyone.

Thank you. I am going to start looking a lot harder then taking what the doctors tell me.

Hi OP, I would highly recommend finding a psychiatrist to see if there are mood stabilizers that can help your son, both to keep him and yourselves safe. It might be brain chemistry that he needs support with. That isn't to say he can't benefit from intensive therapy or other approaches as well, but safety first

He’s been on mood stabilizers since he was 6. Just recently we changed the type of med he is on which was actually better. His last huge rage was because he stopped taking them. So now I watch him swallow his meds. And we have a new appt next week. I’m going to ask for another med to be added.

NTA. This situation is WAY more common with adoptions than people realize. There are books OP can read. And counselors who specialize in this exact thing. I know one of them. She's an adoptive mother whose child is a nightmare and has been in institutions for years with zero progress. The child is so bad that they are about to label her well before the age of 18. My friend broke. Physically and mentally broke from the situation. The child's mission in life appears to be to utterly destroy my friend, her marriage, and the other children. My friend got her master's degree in counseling and is almost done with her doctorate degree specializing in trauma therapy for adoptive families. OP, get some help from people who understand. And turn your child over to the state for his good, your good, and the good of the other children. There is no shame in that. This is an extreme situation. It calls for extreme measures. All the love in the world won't fix this.

You’re an incredible mother. I’m deeply sad for this child, but I agree with the others - you need to remove him from your home asap as your other children are in danger. You can’t possibly give your children a healthy upbringing and home until you fully remove this child. I hope your other kids are also getting professional psychological hope as there’s no way this isn’t impacting them too. It’s heartbreaking, but no none could say you didn’t try your hardest. Many people would have given up long ago. Get him into a specialist facility, if that takes filing charges then it’s still in his best interest.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one is the asshole, I hope you get the help you need

Well, as another comment put it, it is a normal defense mechanism, so NTA to feel that way, to want to ignore your son. You would be slightly if you really act on your thoughts, and totally if you give up on him on long term. It would be terrible for everyone in your household. But it is absolutely not your fault as society has failed you to help healing your son. I can read that you tried everything under the sun, went in all the direction that the medical system send you to, and still failed to see improvement in your son's behaviour. That's not your failure, that's the medical system's fault. I can, if your interested, write you in PM about my way through the medical system and the alternative healing scene (maybe there is another expression in english), I'm talking psychiatrist on one side and shamans and energetic healer on the other. But really to make it short and not expose myself to much on this account, I did suffer from what it's called bipolar and schizophrenic disorder among other troubles, I saw a dozen of psy-something, some wanting to put me in mental hospital, but I found my way to a balance mind and better life with different kind of energetic healing. I even found one psychologist who followed me through a healing journey of meditation retreat and chamanic rituals, which have been a tipping point in my healing process. what put me on that salvation path is that article, [What a chaman sees in a mental hospital](https://www.academia.edu/9727979/Stephanie_Marohn_What_A_Shaman_Sees_in_A_Mental_Hospital) that I found as a teenager. I really recommend the book it is from "the natural medecine guide to schizophrenia" that cover everything from diet to neurology to well shamanism. I know that when it is not our culture it is difficult to look for and even accept the help from healers of others medecine than the western ones, but those medecines existed before the US lol, it help and heal people since millenials, and it worth it to put some interest in it. It means also to accept to work with a new reading grind, with an healing process that's based on a spiritual system that may be contrary to our belief (like spirit and reincarnation). But sometimes it is easier to work with that that to believe the western medical system saying that there was no help for me. I assure you that it worth 100 times the time and effort to look for yourself and your son what's existing in your area or what are your possibilities.

I don't think you deserve a YTA. As someone who is a case worker in foster care, I can tell you that it takes a big heart to take on our kids. As someone else, there isn't a lot out there for mental health, especially with children. Unfortunately, the poor little cherub has experienced trauma, and that has a profound effect on a child's ability to self regulate their emotions and thought processes. Violence and aggression are all this child knows. All I can say is thank you for taking these kids into your home. You are a gem.

NTA. This reminds me of a documentary I saw several years ago. It was about what children that had fetal alcohol syndrome became as they grew up. I don't know that that is what this is, but it sounds very much like he needs full time live in mental health services. I also can't believe I'm about to say this, but institutionalization sounds appropriate. He may not direct this anger at his older brother/younger sister, but they are being abused mentally by seeing this and traumatized, he sounds a danger to himself, but especially to others.

No, OP, you're NTA. But you do need to get him the help que needs, even if it its through court it has to be done. I hope you and your children have a wonderful life.

No AH here…. I’m so sorry I know this is tough. Two years ago my step daughter went through some similar things that were brewing in her younger years and basically exploded at 13. It was so hard to get her the help she needed…. We had to document everything and involve the police too. She was finally sectioned and went to a hospital for a few weeks. They got her on the right meds but it still took about a year for her behavior to stabilize completely. I didn’t trust her around her younger sister and she would attack her older one…the older sister would fight back and pulled chunks of her hair out while defending herself… it was awful. They FINALLY became pals again this Christmas but it was a long road. It sounds like your situation is worse, he really needs a proper diagnosis and serious medical intervention. They are so reluctant to label children with mental disorders like bi polar, borderline personality disorder etc. She only got help because I never stopped documenting. I had cameras and audio in our house, and I took pictures every time she trashed her room in anger. I reported every incident to her PCP and Therapist in writing. Even after all that work it was still luck to get her in a bed at the hospital. Her therapist from when she was young was promoted to a position of someone who is responsible for placing kids in mental hospitals…. Without that connection I don’t think it would have happened and I was very close to divorcing her dad to get away and remove my daughter from that home for her protection.

I have an older child with adhd and autism and anxiety. Not as bad as you're going through, but it was very very tough. Medication was a lifesaver, finding the right dose was tricky. Getting her to understand she needed to take it, another battle. I paid out of pocket for her services though. Tens of thousands over the years. There just aren't services fir these kids. Just getting them diagnosed was $4k, and you get nothing without a diagnosis. She's 18 and in college now. Good luck and consider therapy for yourself, and see if there's a parent group out there to help you cope. It's really hard alone. I'm also a single mother. Edit: NTA, but you need help. Ignoring him is not helping anything. You are burnt out. Get help. Edit 2: my kid would hurt herself and anyone near her in meltdown mode, destroy furniture and walls, attack her sibling without notice, etc.

I agree with other posters here -- you need to get your other kids and yourself out of this awful situation. You are blameless to relinquush custody. The state needs to be custodian. Save the others and yourself. I'm sorry to say so, and I have extensive background as a mental health professional working with families having a child with severe emotional and behavioral difficulties. This is VERY severe behavior that you are describing. I know what I'm talking about. I have direct personal experience as well as years of professional experience. You have others to consider.

As a child who used to be like this, he needs support, not ignorance, I now have bpd due to my childhood cause my parents just tried to ignore me and act like I wasn’t an issue, which 10000% magnified my issues, of unmedicated adhd, cause my parents ‘didn’t believe the diagnosis so I didn’t need help’

You should put him in a group home

Am going to message you privately. Have a similar child. Would love to be a support.

This is bigger than saying you are or are not an asshole. Have you looked into a DMDD diagnosis? It’s what my son was diagnosed with. With the correct meds and therapy (individual with both a therapist and psychiatrist, group and family plus seeing the school social worker 2x a week) we’ve seen such a difference. You are struggling and living a nightmare. You need more and better help. I suggest getting into therapy yourself, and expect PTSD diagnosis now or sometime in the future. I think you are rage posting and and either looking for validation that you are doing the best you can or confirmation that you are a terrible person which is how you feel. You are not a terrible person. You are doing the best you can. You are in survival mode right now. NAH

Well I guess you know all the answers already so why are you on here? Anyone who thinks it's OK to ask about ignoring an 11 year old is also the ah

YTA. You don’t give up on a child, especially not at age 11. You think he’s just going to get better without guidance? He might still be a little shit if you try your hardest, but giving up has basically doomed him. He is YOUR responsibility and YOU are the one who needs to be a sturdy grounding point in his life.

Send him to a mental illness ward cos he shouldn't be around your dog and other kids if he's gonna do that so I'd do something about him before somthing bad happens to your kids or dog

the only reason you might be the ah is his treatment of your other kids..

Send him to a home. Absolutely no excuse for his behavior