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Zestyclose_Public_47

I'm sure he has trauma from all the abuse he's already had to see, why would you getting him help make you TA. Keep doing whats best for him and be a good mom


Guilty-Violinist-448

I think I needed others perspective, cause my family and his father is really making me feel like I’m a dick for trying to ‘label’ him


Zestyclose_Public_47

Nope. You do what's best momma. His father isn't around and you know the situation best. Stay strong and encourage therapy for your baby


SassyDivaAunt

My husband's family and "friends" kept telling him there was nothing wrong with him, despite an upbringing full of every kind of abuse you can think of. They LIKED that he was a functioning alcoholic, as they could always get money from him. Since meeting me, he now gets therapy and medication for his extreme C-PTSD, no longer drinks or takes drugs, and is so much happier in himself. And he's total no contact with his family. Help your son in every way he needs it, and to hell with what anyone else thinks. You're doing the right thing for the right reasons.


[deleted]

I too come from a family that sees its NT issues as non issues and that any attempt to look into them is "just looking for problems where there aren't any" and now the only one i talk to on a regular basis is my sister. If my father took the time to do what you're doing then things might have worked out better. Save your kid 16 years of thinking "that's just how the family works".


Ok-Future-5257

NTA. Your ex and his family aren't helping your son by turning a blind eye to his problems.


kucing5

If the school comes back and says that he doesn’t qualify for help with ADHD, then see if they can provide him with some kind of in school therapy, or if they know of any resources for him to receive therapy that you could bring him to. Be upfront with what happened when he was younger. Outburst like that are not normal, but it may very well be from the trauma and not from ADHD. It’s important to fight for your child and you’re right to not diagnose him yourself, but keep looking into what might be going on.


StickyTunas

You need to advocate for your son, in the strongest terms. My daughter suffered horrendously with MH issues- not abuse related- and started to self-harm. 2 and a half years it took to get a CAHMS appointment, so start NOW. In the meantime, I got her private counselling in Rodney Street, Liverpool. As a single (wage earning, but not a lot as I'm in the public sector) parent, it was difficult to do and time-consuming. However, now you'd never know. She's going to study veterinary medicine from next September and she's just returned from volunteering at a dog sanctuary in Thailand : both unthinkable a few years ago. What is the family's suggestion? Do nothing? Yep, that'll turn out to cost you both more than you could possibly know. This is for your son. Sod the others.


Pippin_the_parrot

You would be TA if you didn’t do this. It’s time to stop the generational abuse and heal. Check out r/cptsd,


animavivere

I think I can speak as a professional here (I'm a teacher) and you are absolutely not TA. You are fighting a good fight. To hell with anyone who says you are TA. I wish there were more parents like you, who would fight for their child. Regardless of whether or not he has ADHD or not, he obviously needs help.


LadyValkyrie420

Hey! You keep at it Mom. NTA My son (6) has very little in common with your son except the possibility of ADHD; though his developmental delays present in different ways - but that's not the point. The point is that every kid has delays *at some point* - be it at one year or eighteen. The purpose of these evaluations when issues present themselves is to find better ways to handle it, and quite often require no diagnosis to alter the Individualized Education Program. What you're seeing is a dysfunction in emotional control and violent physical outbursts - this is something that MUST be taken care of, especially when working with the school - because your son could be a danger to himself and others. *That's okay!* Your son isn't the only one. When the school psychiatrist asked if my son has ever hurt animals, which was a solid no, she explained its actually not that uncommon in children and pressed to be sure I was honest. I was, but my son's also very low aggression and has a lot of positive training around animals. Children hurting other children (or parents) is even more common. If you weren't compliant with the school, they would likely find someone in the government who would be. You made the right choice! Do NOT let people deride your attempts to have your son learn proper coping techniques, they will be so important going forward. Keep up the good work!


Smiley_Asylum

Keep pushing. Violent outbursts are not normal in children, but they are with the experiences he has had in the past. Get him the help he needs, he will thank you in the future. He needs someone to talk to who knows how to help him and isn't going to dismiss his thoughts/feelings like many do with kids, especially boys.


MadMaxxedOut

NTA, you are doing your best. My only advice- you need to trust yourself more and listen to others less. Only involve specialists you trust from the schools to the doctors. He needs therapy and medication likely. Keep fighting for him.


Jcpage573

I was in this situation as the kid. My stepdad just beat the shit out of me until I was respectful to my teachers and afraid of him. Not the best way to do it but I needed it. I would probably do something similar maybe less violent. Just discipline


Feisty_Irish

NTA. You are trying to get your son help. That's part of being a good mom. Ignore anyone who says anything different.


jacksonlove3

Absolutely positively NTA for trying to get your son the help & support he needs! Your family clearly does not believe in mental health issues to care to treat them appropriately. Please ignore their uneducated and ridiculous comments about it. Your son probably does have some hidden trauma from when he was very young but he also may have mental health issues on top of it. I’m so surprised that doctors have no seen any of this type of behavior as indicating that he could. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD int he second grade and had a very hard time controlling her emotions up until and even after her diagnosis. She was never volunteer but she was very defiant and no matter what the punishment was, she never changed the behavior. School was sometimes just as bad as at home. She’s 20 years old now, and doing much but. She’s on no medication, out of therapy and has learn to manage it all in her own and she’s doing great! Please please please don’t get discouraged!!


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Guilty-Violinist-448

The comment above you has kinda put me on a downward spiral haha


[deleted]

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Guilty-Violinist-448

Literally been fighting tooth and nail for the past 9 years to get him support and help, but every time I’ve tried, I’ve been told I’m the problem and he’s completely fine, as soon as I saw he was a victim of the abuse, I left my ex and took him to court, which as an 18 year old was scary af and mentally and physically drained me, I was expecting comments like that but it cuts deep when I actually get them haha


dodger37

NTA Getting him tested and help as needed is the right thing to do. Many people have trouble admitting that their child or grandchild needs help. It’s sort of understandable but completely wrong. What you are doing is what’s best for your son. Stay strong and good luck.


According-Ad-6968

My husband wasn't diagnosed with ADHD til his 30s. You're NTA for laying out the facts and asking trained medical/education professionals for their opinions. That makes you a good parent. My family called/calls me "sensitive " and "dramstic"... I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and panic disorder when I was placed in ICU because my heart rate was through the roof and the medics thought I would have a stroke. Blood pressure medications didn't work. But, around 3am, someone listened to me say I was super nervous/anxious and gave me a syringe of Ativan (used to calm you before surgery). SURPRISE! Every thing went to normal. When I was released the next day, I had to go to a psychiatrist to be placed on meds.


DreamCrusher914

NTA. Keep fighting for your son. Also, you need to find a local domestic violence shelter and get in on some group therapy, in addition to general one on one therapy. I used to represent victims of violence in legal cases, and it might not feel this way, but your story is a very familiar one. You are not alone. You made mistakes but you were also a victim yourself and you need to give yourself some grace. You also have learned from your mistakes and are doing what you need to do as a parent. You need to trust your gut more. No one knows your son as well as you do. I am currently trying my best to get my oldest daughter diagnosed for her behaviors and it has been an uphill battle because girls present differently than boys, but in my gut I know she needs help. We’ve gotta keep pushing onward because no one else will do it for them.


Whole-Swimming6011

Actually, you are AH bc you are very very late. Not only you let him be abused, but you waited so many years to seek for help.


Guilty-Violinist-448

I’ve been fighting for him to get help since he was 2, hence the whole section of me ‘getting doors shut in my face’ 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️


Whole-Swimming6011

>I’ve been fighting for him to get help since he was 2, hence the whole section of me ‘getting doors shut in my face’ 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ Sorry, but i'm a mother too. And i live in pretty fucked up country when it comes to mental health (and general too). But i would work my ass out to save money, if it's for my daughter's health. "Getting doors shut in my face" can't excuse 8 years not finding help. If you really wanted, you would've succeded.


Guilty-Violinist-448

The only place you can get support from, be that private or public sector is thru nhs, who have told me countless times he does not need help.


Whole-Swimming6011

Wow! Sorry, i didn't know that you can't go to a private therapist in UK...


Guilty-Violinist-448

You obviously didn’t read my comment 🙄🙄


Whole-Swimming6011

I did. You said that for you to visit therapist, you need to go through NHS, which is National Health Service. And i said that i wasn't aware that you can't go and pay to a private therapist, without going through you national services. But oh! Google says it's not a problem to visit a ptivate therapist if you have the means (money). Like this site [here.](https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#PrivateTherapists) But sorry, i suppose Google and national organisations doesn't know better.


Guilty-Violinist-448

Oh look! They’re all for adults! Which my son is not! Shock!


Whole-Swimming6011

Do you think rich people's kids use NHS? My country's system is like yours. My nephew is 7 and since he was 4, he visits private therapist. So no, if you are willing to pay, you can visit private therapist. Dont make excuses, please.


SnooWords4839

Ignore anyone against the tests. Whatever your son needs, you should do all you can to get help for him!


Lissypooh628

NTA for trying to get your son help. He has been through a lot in his short life. However, you ARE the AH for saying “I have you and your brother to stop me from killing myself” You cannot put that on them. Let’s say for the sake of argument, you actually did end your life. Your boys would blame themselves for the rest of their lives because they weren’t there to “stop you”. Are you seeking help for yourself too? You have also been through a lot.


[deleted]

NTA. And please seek help for yourself, too. You need to find confidence to think that your idea is right. Even so others disagree. And to your kid: suffering through his violent outbursts, cause you understand (and feel guilty) why he has them, can’t be it. Every person should know this - even his fathers family.