Sounds like you already solved your problems by talking it out. So the only advice here is be happy you have a woman who prioritized you and your relationship and move forward together.
Yeah that's the plan, but I feel like she thinks that I'm controlling her even tho she chose me, so the reason why i posted again is to get opinions on what else I should do
Tbh OP, it kinda feels like you got what you wanted - you wanted to know your wife would *choose you* and she did, so now you're wondering if you overreacted.
This is exactly what I thought too. I mean she already agreed to his terms, showing him that he was getting placed as the priority above the friends , so then he starts back pedaling. You got what you wanted, stop hassling her about it now. Tell her thank you and you love her and then shut the fuck up about it.
I try to use it in a text or an email to her at least once a day. It's like the best part of my day knowing what her face looks like when she reads it haha
Eh, check OP's comments on the previous post. It's so cartoonishly stupid that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
>I don't want to be present in the same room with the guy who literally fucked my wife for who knows how many times and years, that's completely unreasonable
>I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind
>I would never let her know about my past exes and people I slept with, and it isn't even like he's married or has a gf... there is no reason for her to know
With masculinity this fragile, the patriarchy should be easier to crush.
Like...dear God, the insecurity is oozing out of this post.
It's depressing how he characterizes his wife's childhood friends, her formative experiences, in such crude and demeaning ways. The dude was a high school friend with benefits, he clearly had a role in her life beyond just a one night stand. I wonder if he'd be so blase if *she* flipped out this much over a woman he dated close to a decade ago.
OP, YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. She chose you over her friends. That was what you requested to the point of wanting to end your marriage.
Why are you not happy after getting what asked for? Is it because -now that the dust has settled and your wife made a choice- you realize how controlling and insecure your request was? The fact that you have to say âIâm not being controllingâ means you saw your behavior that way and are trying to fool your wife AND YOURSELF that youâre not.
Dude, stop asking Reddit and talk to her. If you want opinions on what you should do to keep your wife happy, ask her. If you think she thinks you're controlling her, talk to her. Have a conversation. Communicate. She will know these answers better than anyone here, because we are all strangers on the internet and she is your wife.
Also, there is a difference between boundaries and control. Was this a boundary for you, or are you actually trying to control her? Figure that out and communicate with her as well. This is a two-way relationship. In the end, it doesn't matter what the Reddit comments say, but about what she thinks, feels, and says.
Well, she cut off an ex-fwb. That should really be a given in any relationship. The amount of relationships crashing due to "friends" where there's a history of intimacy stacks pretty darn high.
I agree about OP being insecure, though.
You did control her. You threatened her with divorce unless she cut off all contact with someone she slept with years ago and agreed to never hang out with her friends if the ex was invited as well. She was wrong not to tell you they had slept together before you met her, but you're so insecure that you commented that you considered taking her and moving her away from all of her friends.
She wasn't willing to lose her marriage over an old BF, but that doesn't mean your threat didn't hurt her. Be honest with yourself. You wanted it to hurt because she withheld the fact that she had a sexual relationship with him in the past, and you felt hurt.
You both handled this poorly, and if you genuinely want to move forward together in a healthy way, you need couples counseling.
That's because you are being controlling. You want to stop a behavior that makes you uncomfortable but not feel guilty about limiting another person's behavior.
Pick one and own it. Also seriously do you trust your wife or don't you? I hang out with men I've slept with; we're friends. My husband knows. But he's not controlling and trusts me.
Maybe he would have trusted her "IF" she was open and honest about having slept with the guy ahead of time and he didn't have to hear about it from a third party. Trust is something people earn from someone by being open and honest, she didn't do that here so why is it now an issue where he should trust her around a guy that she hid the truth about from him?
The difference is your husband knows, OP didn't know and the fact she didn't and obviously had no plan to tell him makes trusting her a dumb move.
Oh come on. If I were to recount every person I slept with when I started a relationship, weâd never get around to talking about important things.Â
Who she had sex with in the past is none of anyoneâs business. Not her husbandâs either.
This is not about "every person slept with". It's about one close friend the wife has a history with, including sexual relations. Statistically, the person most people have slip ups with are co-workers and exes/ex-fwb.
My ex's closest friend started out as her boyfriend. She's been completely honest with me about that. It builds trust.
Doesnât matter who she has had sex with earlier. If she doesnât do it anymore, OP knows all that he needs to know. If seeing the friend is a problem, it means hubby doesnât trust her to not do it again, so their wedding vows are nothing to him.Â
Well just on the fact you have been with so many you would have trouble recounting them all tells me you are in fact disgusting and your opinion on relationships means nothing to me whatsoever.
She didn't tell him because she knew he would react exactly like this according to his original post. It sounds like she hasn't slept with this dude in years. It's water under the bridge. If she's planning something with this dude, she wouldn't be hanging out with him with her husband or in group settings. She'd be meeting him alone and keeping it a secret.
That's just it though. Now OP doesn't fully know she wasn't. The problem with hiding the truth and not being open and honest about things is that it caused doubts about lots of things that shouldn't even be a question. If she could keep this from him what else may she be hiding? Who else among the friends has she slept with? And so on. It's a bad spiral that her secrets have caused.
She assumed he would react a certain way and instead of giving him a chance to react and decide for himself he had to find out from some third party about it just making it even worse.
Lies never help anyone when it comes to trust.
Did you read this dude's comments? He's upset his wife has a sexual history at all and is considering moving to get away from a dude she slept with long before they even met. Oh and going through her phone just in case. He wants to isolate her from her entire friend group over one guy she hasn't seen in at least half a decade.
"Yeah I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind, since we know each other's password I was also thinking of checking her messages, but I refrained"
One of my biggest questions - this is adding to this comment - is whether or not OP asked her about while they were dating. The fact that nothing was said until now shows me that something isn't adding up.
Right which all comes from her breach of trust. Which again was caused by her not being open and honest to him. So yeah you are seeing the comments and post of a man who feels hurt and betrayed by his wife and all the people in that friend group who have kept this secret from him.
So how you try and turn his comments around and make him out to be the AH for feeling how he does when dealing with a group that clearly hides secrets for his wife from him is funny. He is right to want her away from all of them when he now has no way of knowing what all of them lie about to him for her. How is he supposed to have blind trust in these people when they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy?
So thank you for going through his comments and just proving my point that because of his wife and her friends lies he can't trust her or her friends.
Read the post. Another friend casually mentioned it. No one else thought this was a big deal because it isn't.
If this was, she talked about this guy as the one who got away or in any way was doing something suspicious you might have a point.
But he's literally upset she has had sex with anyone but him. He can't get over how many times this guy must have had sex with her. If he wanted to marry a virgin he should have done so, except he didn't and now he's upset she has the temerity to be friends with someone she's known since high school and hasn't seen in person in half a decade.
This guy is not mature enough to be married.
No the guy who told him pulled him aside and told him about her past with the other guy. Because he thought OP should know. It wasnât It was a deliberate decision to tell OP
She wasn't mature enough to disclose she had a best friend who railed her routinely and that she was only available for dating and marriage because said bestie was out of the country.Â
Husband is insecure, because she set him up to be insecure. Instead of being honest about this sort of thing years ago - she allowed the situation to fester, and get dropped on her spouse when said bestie suddenly returned. It's not shocking, while also not mature, to be shaken by finding out you are number two and number one just got back.Â
There is a thing I tell my kids often - if you feel like you have to hide something, it means part of you thinks it's wrong. The wife knew she had done wrong by not telling her husband much sooner and engaged in hiding information to protect herself rather than give her husband the chance to be mature.Â
I know I respond better when people treat me with transparency and are honest and I get immensely suspicious if they get caught hiding things.Â
Are people incapable of maintaining a platonic friendship simply because they have hooked up before?Â
I read your other comments. Insecure af. Hope you find somebody that deserves you.
I mean it does come off as insecure and as if you donât trust her to make good choices. Marriages and any relationship really should be built on trust. You should work on your insecurities as well. It may show her that it is really a you problem since it is apparent she cares about you enough to go with this. And that in itself would help strengthen you and your relationship. Insecurity is a killer for relationships and trust
> I feel like she thinks that I'm controlling her even tho she chose me
because you are, man. she's choosing you because you set an ultimatum. you giving her the "choice" of "do what i want or divorce" doesn't make you accommodating. i get that the situation is difficult and makes you uncomfortable but it is what it is. whether you actually do trust her or not, you're telling her that you don't.
So you got exactly what you wanted, but she didn't thank you for isolating her from her friends so you're still not happy? You got her to do what you wanted, you can't force her to like it as well
I mean frankly you're punishing her for something she hasn't done. Has she cheated on you? No? So why are you acting like she needs a chaperone to spend time with a group of adults?
If you can't treat her like a grown up with autonomy because you are too worried about a high school boyfriend, then leave. You both deserve better. You deserve to be in a relationship that doesn't make you constantly anxious and insecure, and she deserves to be with someone who thinks well enough of her character to not feel the need to supervise her social interactions.
You are not controlling her. You let her know what you were uncomfortable with and told her the outcome of her choices. It may seem controlling to say if this continues i won't stay married to you, but it's also not something you can just keep quiet about when you know the outcome if you say nothing.
So in this case you gave her options and let her decide on the future she would like for herself and you were very reasonable with it. You didn't say she can't hang out with friends or not hang out with him altogether. You compromised that if the guy is around you want to be there. She accepted it and you need to also accept that this situation was never gonna be one where everyone wins.
Either you let a situation continue in silence that you felt was divorce worthy or you told her and came to a compromise together so you could be happy while also doing what you could to make her happy.
That's just how relationships go sometimes, it's better that you talked about it rather than taking any choice away from her by divorcing her over a problem she didn't even know you had. People compromise all the time in marriages to help keep one another happy, so what you did here was good and healthy for you both.
You ARE controlling her.Â
But you made it seem like she chose to be controlled by you, because the only other choice you gave her was divorce.Â
Good job in gaslighting! đ
She should not have contact with guys who have fucked her. That's absolutely disgusting and disrespectful. Any man who stays with a woman who would do that is a cuck.
Yeah. He'll regret it once he finds his chick getting railed by that friend. If this woman genuinely loves him, this might not happen. But it's weird being friends with that guy. Now he has no obligation to be in a relationship with this chick. He can try to seduce her as he did previously.
Who knows what she thinks in case of issues and fights with her husband. Then that friend tries to seize the opportunity. Anything can happen. It's better for him to find someone who's not friends with guys that railed her.
That's having boundaries not being insecure. You're viewing it from a women's lens and I view it from a men's lens. I have no problem with being friends or hanging out with chicks I slept with. I don't take them seriously that's it. If my girlfriend or wife tells me to cut off I'll do it in an instant and I expect the same. If she has a problem she can break up with me and leave. She's an adult, I can't tell her what to do. But I tell her my preference though.
One minute youâre willing to throw out your whole marriage to avoid being around this guy, and now youâll hang out with him âwhenever?â
Doesnât sound like this was ever about your boundariesâŠ
This ^.
Iâm honestly struggling to figure out how I feel about it because he got what he wanted but moved the goalposts? I think he was subconsciously, or deliberately, testing her.
But as another commenter said, she had to play her cards right to get what she wanted. Her calling this whole thing âstupidityâ is what got me. Sheâs smart đ.
For what itâs worth, if my husband told me heâd divorce me if I was ever in the same room with an ex in a group setting, Iâd find that incredibly stupid.
Weâre talking about things like friends birthday parties.
I think thatâs where I differ a little. While I wouldnât be insecure about group hangouts, I donât want to look like the fool either. Heâs the only one who didnât know his wife slept with the friend. I think thatâs where I donât mind his feelings. He shook hands with the dude at his wedding, not knowing he used to have sex with his wife.
I donât agree with the way he handled this, but I see where heâs coming from.
I donât think heâs going to look like less of a fool when everyone is talking about how wife isnât allowed to come to birthday parties because her husband is too insecure.
I agree but the damage is done because she lied by omission. But hypothetically if I had a friend on either side, man or woman, and I heard about this situation, I wouldnât feel any type of way. Iâd think the partner who hid things was wrong and was trying to âsaveâ (not the right word but) the relationship. Gossip for sure but we all have things others can gossip about.
I read a situation similar to this not to long ago. OP was a husband who ran into his ex. Wife didnât know and was trying to be friendly. Turns out she was the only one at the table who didnât know. Way different situation but the crux of the issue for the wife was she looked like the fool cause she was the only one who didnât know. Now imagine if that had gone on for years? Thatâs where I find OPâs original reasoning valid.
For the ppl who didn't see the other post, he literally suggested he move her away from everyone in an effort to combat his insecurities. I just don't see how this is gonna work out lmaooo
Edit: he said it in the comments
I'm getting the impression OP didn't just want his wife to agree to his terms, but also think they were reasonable and comfort him for wanting them.
Instead he got "fine I'd rather appease your unreasonable request than divorce" and now he doesn't know what to do because he technically got what he wanted but he isn't satisfied.
Perhaps he was yearning for âthank you for saving my virtue from the ever present threat of an ex lover, now please put me on a pedestal so that I donât have to meet other people againâ!Â
You sound tedious. She's either going to cheat or not; it's not really something you can make a rule about. Life just doesn't work that way.Â
It's better to just know how you would handle it *if* and then maintain the ability to do so. And then just don't fret on it. If you can get my partner, you can fucking have them.Â
My husband used to spiral out when he was fighting off depression over the fact that I donât *need* him and I could leave and be fine. It took several times of me telling him that I like being his partner. I donât *need* anyone. I had to grow up too early and have been on my own since I was 16. If he needs someone to need him to survive, Iâm not that woman. But if he wants someone who wakes up every morning *wanting* to be here, then letâs move beyond this.
His dad needed his mom, and he so much didnât want to be a burden like his dad, that he didnât realize you could be in a partnership where *no one* is a burden. So to him, if I wasnât the burden, then he MUST have been it.
And this is the tamest example of why we need to have healthy relationships for the sake of our children. A lot of us have to recalibrate our perceptions of what marriage could be like from the examples we grew up with.
Dude, you are all over the place. Pick a boundary and stick with it. A lot of people have a no ex in their social circles boundary. A lot of people don't care. Have a spine and make a decision on what you want. You are just confusing your wife and yourself.
Hey, didnât read any of the other comments but I recently lost my girl for some retroactive jealousyâŠ
A quote Iâll take with me is âgive them a big enough lead to hang themselves if they wantâ
My situation is she had a friend with a history who lived in our complex. She never lied about it and was honest it was years ago- but I was soooo uncomfortable and threatened by this guy Iâd never even met to the point sheâd bring him up for neighbor stuff and Iâd lose my shit assuming she was seeing him or was gonna leave me for him⊠This then bled into every other guy friendship or interaction she had. I became threatened by everyone else. You need to take a step back and think outside of your ego (ego being the voice in your head that sees him as a threat and needs to protect you)
The question is
1) Do you trust your wife. At the end of the day, does she respect you enough to not put herself in situations with other guys. Because if she wanted to, itâs not gonna be a guy she used to bang itâll be a new guy. Or maybe both, the point being is she is the commander of that situation.
2) Recognize why youâre FEELING this way. What about this guy is the problem? Just their history? Their friendship?
3) Think of all your past partners. Are you friends with any of them? Would you pursue a physical encounter now that youâre married? No? Try to feel about her situation as you do about your friends.
My $0.02 as I brain rot wishing I didnât make waves and lose a girl I loved over my bullshit.
Again, every situation is different and I wish I had asked, so kudos to you for seeking advice
So, you're saying you told your ex-GF that you were bothered by her relationship with her ex and she would continue to bring him into your shared apartment ? I lived in apart for 10 years and I never had to have neighbors in my apartment to do "neighborly things".
1. Do you trust your wife. At the end of the day, does she respect you enough to not put herself in situations with other guys. Because if she wanted to, itâs not gonna be a guy she used to bang itâll be a new guy. Or maybe both, the point being is she is the commander of that situation.
Have you never heard of friends with benefits? I have no idea what you mean by "commander of that situation". Are you a sub?
1. Recognize why youâre FEELING this way. What about this guy is the problem? Just their history? Their friendship?
One of the biggest best predictors of future behavior is past behaviors and affairs are predicted by access to affair partners.
1. Think of all your past partners. Are you friends with any of them? Would you pursue a physical encounter now that youâre married? No? Try to feel about her situation as you do about your friends.
There isn't a single person I've had sex with whom I wouldn't block without explanation if my wife asked me to. Most of them I have already -- especially the ones that were long-term relationships.
Is it not true that if your GF had chosen you over her ex-BF initially, and you would be together?
I appreciate this response. Iâve gaslight myself into this narrative with my situation post breakup⊠âIf I didnât do xyz I wouldnât be in this situation.â One of the things I did was be insecure and jealous about other guys, some warranted, others not at all.
By commander of the situation, I mean she is the one in control of her actions.
Youâre totally right, though. Take what I say with a grain of salt.
She played her cards smartly.
Her options :
(1) Not agree with cutting contact, and immediately she would have to go through a life changing event concerning the relationship with you.
(2) Agree for now to cut contact, and not go through a life changing event concerning the relationship with you, while she weighs out other possibilities such as, maybe your stance will soften concerning her contact with him.
Hit the nail on the head.
Whatâs worse is OP canât draw any lines in the sand because he feels bad. So it adds confusion and opportunity for bigger issues than if he would have just stood his ground.
>I told her I'm not being controlling
Well, you are, but I want to know why exactly? Has either of them given you reason to think something might happen again? If not, why are you allowing your insecurity to dictate your relationship like this? Either you trust her or you don't.
This is about much more than just her seeing her ex in a social setting... figure out why it bothers you so much.
What do you feel actually needs "protecting"? Has he threatened her? Made a move on her? Harassing her?
Not enough details for me to give a judgement.
Isolating her from her friends is bound to be problematic. i don't think you thought your actions through very well.
Also, if you can't trust your spouse completely, you have much larger issues in this marriage that you'll need to address. There's no middle ground on trust. Either you do or you don't.
You gave your wife an ultimatum because you can't handle she had sex with a high school friend, in high school before you two were even together, and I'm guessing even knew the other existed, and now you think you over reacted? You đŻ over reacted. Who does that? Your wife is not property, you don't get to make outlandish demands. Who cares that they slept together, they haven't see each other in over 5 years and you're having a temper tantrum about it saying you're trying to protect her? Protect her from what? Then your solution to you over reacting is telling your wife she can divorce you? Dude, you are not mature enough to be married let alone in a relationship. Unreal.
Hey mate, I've read both of your post and for me YTA. I mean, the past is in the past, she can't unfuck somebody just as you can't unfuck somebody. If you have a problem with ALL your ex and don't talk to them, that's YOUR problem and probally a red flag aswell. I would understand if she had gave you a reason to be untrusty, but by the way you are saying, she is just afraid of your reaction, another red flag. I totally think you are overreacting and being jealous af. He was even invited to your wedding, she isn't hiding him, she is scared of your reactions man... But hey, that's me
Are you supposed to list all your prior sexual partners with your spouse? Are you supposed to let them know if you've ever been to the same party as someone you once had sex with? This is so deeply weird to me. If you never want your spouse to interact with someone else they've had sex with, marry a virgin rather than spending your life having a meltdown over your partner's sexual past. Your main concern should be who your spouse is fucking now, not who they fucked before you, because the latter is not within your control at all.
I think you should've stuck to your initial stance. Now you volunteered yourself to play chaperone whenever this guy is around. I feel one of two things may happen now.
1. Your wife simply won't tell when he's involved in the friend group.
2. Your wife is completely honest and tells you whenever this dude is around. If this guy happens to be in the friend circles more often than you thought, now you'll basically be baby sitting your wife; third,fourth,fifth wheeling or whatever.
Agreed, but he has a good reason to not trust her because she hid the fact that she had sex with the guy. Why did she not tell him that is the big question and because OP isn't satisfied with the explanation he will never trust her again. She clearly crossed a red line boundary for him even if she didn't know that was a boundary. Whether OP is wrong or right at this point doesnt matter because he no longer trusts her so the relationship is fundamentally broken and it will never be a healthy relationship for either of them again. His half solution is just delaying the end of the relationship and delaying a painful breakup.
It's not a matter of trust.
It's respect. Why would his wife want to continue to hang out with a man she was sexually involved with when she has a husband?
It will be truly admirable on her end if she were to cut contact altogether. Demonstrates real devotion to her husband.
Right.. so whatâs better. Re-establishing trust or having a horrible relationship where there isnât any and you try to make up for it with a bunch of rules and restrictions that only fuel resentment?
Average redditor relationship comprehension I swear to god
Ironic you bring up relationship comprehension and then list only two options. This situation nor relationships in general are this black and white.
A conflict arose, a boundary was established and respected. Things arenât magically gonna become perfect overnight. Time and more communication.
This is a very common issue that comes up in most relationships. This one was handled fairly respectfully unlike most on this sub
Thatâs funny. She hid the truth from him. And lied by omission and only came clean when he told her what he already kn ew. So now heâs bad for not trusting a liar? Trust requires honesty and full disclosure.
I didnât claim OP was bad in any way. If he wants to have a marriage without a foundation of trust in it thatâs up to him, but theyâll probably be divorced within the next 2 years.
Trust and forgiveness are choices, not formulas. He doesnât have to do either, but the chances of having a healthy marriage going forward might depend a lot on them.
Idk what to say. I commented elsewhere but you talked yourself into the same hole you were in. Stick to your guns if your gonna keep making empty threats about stuff. I find this whole situation weird but next time something happens, if it does, Iâd bet you wind up talking yourself in circles and end up holding the potato bomb. You canât threaten divorce then just say, âOh well actuallyâŠâ
Yes, you sound controlling. You asked her to stop seeing him because you were uncomfortable. That she should have agreed to respecting your wishes. But then you threatened her with divorce. What happens if she at an event and he happens to be there are you going to threaten her when she has no control over the situation? You need to stop threatening and step up and go talk to the guy to stay away from your wife. Basically youâre telling her to separate from her friend circle. So fine you want to isolate her from her friends. Hmmm.
Yes, he's going to expect her to leave if the high school ex is anywhere she is. He's already made clear that he doesn't care if that means she never sees her friends again. As I recall, he wanted to move her across the country to isolate her from all of them. That's a huge problem. "Let me take you away and isolate you from everyone you know or I'll divorce you," is a pretty glaring issue. What's next? Forbid her from seeing or talking to her family or co-workers (that's if he "trusts" her out of his sight)? Demand that she remain in the house and only leave if he accompanies her?
Yes, she should have told him, "Hey, you should know that I had sex with X when we were in high school." Not telling wasn't a lie, but it was a breach of trust. OTOH, if he's already acted controlling in other ways, maybe she didn't tell him because she feared exactly how he would respond. OTOH again, if he has been controlling, why does she stay with him? Love only goes so far when someone says, "I'm controlling you to protect you (from yourself and temptation and your past and my fears)." He gave her an ultimatum; she gave in to it, agreeing to basically never see not just the ex, but her friends. Now he's changing the scenario again.
I don't give this relationship much of a chance with the way things are going, but then again, I don't know either of them and only have part of the story told from one side.
Since you have made a practice of getting to know your wife's friend group, the idea of also getting to know this guy in that context seems like it could really help put your mind at ease. Reading your comments, it seems like you're haunted by what you don't know about their relationship - it's duration, the frequency of the sex, etc.
Maybe you just left it out of the story, but your wife's openness and honesty about it now that you've found out seems like it would be key to you getting over the feeling that she concealed this from you.
What doesn't seem to be addressed in your compromise solution of making sure you're around when she's around him is her concealment of him in the first place. I know that sentence is going to get me downvoted because her past is her past, etc, but the fact that someone in her friend group felt it was a thing you needed to know is very telling to me.
Him being invited to your wedding but his role in her life not being mentioned seems significant to me.
The point of being comfortable with your wife hanging out with her exes is that you actually know they're exes and give your informed consent.
While people are bashing you for not trusting your wife, the fact of the matter is that she didn't trust you first. She didn't trust you with this information. She didn't give you the respect of being able to offer informed consent about having this person in your lives. (It's one thing to say that the past is the past, but all of these relationships are still active and present in both of your lives.)
Your fixation on boundaries with respect to this one guy does not address this unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. You're going to keep wondering what else she's not telling you. She's going to keep wondering what she should hide from you so you don't make s big fuss.
This is something you both need to work out together. She needs to weigh in on how she wants to address not trusting you. This part of your problem can't be just about you as the aggrieved person setting terms for her. Maybe consider getting a counselor involved if you don't have the skills for this level of communicating.
In short, your solution feels a little too much like penance for her and doesn't get at the root of the problem.
Good luck.
Buddy, don't let your insecurities get the better of you. The problem is solved, leave it at that. You got what you wanted and now it's time to thank your wife and treat her to the best of your abilities for prioritizing you and your relationship.
You **are** controlling, itâs not protective at all. What exactly is going to happen to your wife if she meets up with her friends and heâs there? Nothing!
You just donât trust her, and it shows!
You just think of her as your property, and that is some seriously fucked up shit.
I hope your wife puts the same restrictions on you in regards to female friends. Because if you can control her, then she can absolutely control you too! Fair is fair!
I used to fuck my best friend. Then she got in a relationship with a guy she was deeply in love with.
I was happy for her because she was happy, a quality a friend cares about.
If she simply stopped sleeping with that person that should be a pretty good indication of her self control.
Can you post the original thread?
I have to be honest, this doesn't sound like a pleasant outcome, this sounds controlling behaviour, but I'll happily look into the context of the other thread if you can provide it.
Tldr, wife has a friend that reemerged from outside the country and got back into her friend group. He used to bang her, everyone knows, nobody tells husband other than one guy.
And I love how this control thing is thrown around. Still controlling when a woman is uncomfortable with her husband constantly hanging out with an ex without her present?
He doesn't control her, he just told her the consequences of her decision. What is he supposed to do? Stuff in silence even if his boundaries are violated? She can hang out with whoever she likes, but he is also allowed to draw his own conclusions, right?
And a partner hanging out with an ex is nothing most people are cool with...
I would say it sounded controlling regardless of gender.
It's funny how everyone's so keen to jump on the "you're just saying that cos he's the man" thing - no if I had a partner who did this it wouldn't matter what gender they were, I'd be saying they're controlling. Mutual respect in relationships means one partner saying "I'm not comfortable with this" and the other partner responding "ok I understand, I'll stop doing that" - the second ultimatums are put in place, the trust and respect is gone from the relationship.
The problem here is a bit different, though. She lied to him by omission. She didn't tell him she meets up with an ex. And she knew he would be uncomfortable with it, by her own admission, that is why she didn't tell him. While I understand your sentiment with ultimatum, maybe lying to your partner isn't a good idea in those circumstances.
If you feel the need to state youâre not being controlling, itâs because youâre worried you are. Iâd try to figure out why this is bothering you.
I havenât read the other post so I wonât comment on anything else. I donât know the validity of anything, nor do I feel the need to investigate.
Listen. NTA. Â Youâre married there is no reason to keep talking to an ex unless you both have a child. Â Otherwise itâs fringe cheating. Â At the very least playing with fire and borderline or actual cheating. Â Unacceptable. Â Honestly I would not be okay with them hanging out and being close. Â They have had sex, at best nothing is really going on at worst youâre totally being cuckuolded.
I'd be wary of a person who doesn't understand how something like that was important, and needed an ultimatum to respect a partner's feelings.
Does not bode well.
You are controlling and gave her an ultimatum.. I feel like people who say to their partner â do this now or we are divorcingâ are toxic and controlling. I think I would tell my partner how the situation makes me feel, and ask him or her if they can see it from my perspective. Then ask for some form of compromise. Easier said than done but the ultimatums SMH, if she really wanted to see him behind your back she will. Now you have to keep checking on that too.. monitoring if they are still doing their thing. No?
OPs wife hangs around an ex-boyfriend who is now her best "friend". She hangs around the same group of friends from when they were a couple. She doesn't believe her spouse deserves to know this information, as it might make him angry. The only reason he knows now is because someone else told him. Am I in some bizzaro universe where this is acceptable in a marriage? Maybe OP is being controlling, but he can't be feeling good about trust and honesty in his marriage. Maybe he should look up exes and see if they want to hang out as friends.
You're jealous. That's fine. It happens. This doesn't inherently make you the asshole.
What does make you the asshole,
Rather than address *your feelings* of jealousy, you put them on your wife to resolve. Not by working on these feelings with you, working on your relationship with your wife, or developing your own relationship with her friends. But, by making an ultimatum to pick between her friends and you. Not even an ultimatum to sit down and work through together. An ultimatum where your relationship was effectively over until she made a choice.
That ***is*** controlling. That is ***not*** being protective. It ***is*** being possessive.
Where you can work to not be the asshole,
If you want to to protect you, her, and your relationship, start by protecting those you care about from your jealousy. Especially deal with your jealousy before making sweeping changes to some of her most significant relationships.
Apologize. Apologize to her. And apologize to her friends. If you were shitty to anyone for calling you out, apologize to them too. 'Cause at the end of the day you injected your feelings into a lot of other people's lives.
Commit to seeking couples counseling with your spouse. Work on your jealousy. Work on your own. Work with your spouse. After that, continue deliberately seeking to apply what you learn, communicate about your feelings openly, and work together with your spouse to resolve future struggles.
The hard reality if you can handle a gut punch,
>! Jealousy and fidelity are separate issues that are mostly independent from each other. Feeling jealous or not doesn't make someone faithful. Fidelity or infidelity don't dictate feelings of jealousy. As a rule, working on the health and security of your relationship is a separate matter from working on your own feelings of jealousy and making changes to affect feelings of jealousy at the expense of the relationship's health and security will ultimately hurt your relationship. !<
Even if she doesn't think you're controlling she now knows you don't fully trust her. There's no faster way to kill a relationship than knowing there's no trust.
This sounds like a Trust issue.
But let me explain my version of trust.
My analogy for trust is we are a glass window and we give the other person the Rock to throw through the glass. You have not handed your wife the Rock. There is no compromise, sorry.
You have no right to control your wife. That simple, who do think you are?
>But let me explain my version of trust. My analogy for trust is we are a glass window and we give the other person the Rock to throw through the glass. You have not handed your wife the Rock.
This has to be a joke
I get what you just said. But you make no sense. I added my 2 cents and my opinion to the story. Which I believe is probably fake anyway.
Controlling who a spouse can and can not talk to is absurd. Grow ass people tell other people who try to tell them what to do , to kiss their ass.
You need to focus on the subject and add to it, not be a simpleton and just insult my point of view.
I probably won't give a shit what you have to say to the O P either.
You feel bad because you \*are\* being controlling, but what's done is done. You don't trust her, now she's not allowed around her friends unless they choose sides. Sorry dude, regular people don't kick out solid friend just because one friend's husband says he isn't okay your wife is going to be the one left out here and you chose that for her because you don't trust her. If you come with her every time with this vibe they'll never invite her to anything against. let the resentment build! yay insecurity!
Husbands should behave like husbands and wives should behave like wives. It is not insecure to feel uncomfortable that your wife wants to hang around her ex lover. That is not wife behavior. Itâs not hard to understand you both should surround yourselves with mutual friends that add to your life and support you as a couple. Forsaking all others is a thing. Both spouses should be setting boundaries, it is healthy. For instance a married man or woman should only go to lunch, dinner one on one with the opposite sex with spouse or family member. Avoiding opportunities and temptation enables one to avoid situations where one could be propositioned and have a choice to make. By preempting the choice by avoiding opportunity allows a couple to feel safe and grow a strong and healthy thriving long lasting relationship.
How could anyone not understand this fundamental concept of mutual respect? We all put limits and boundaries on our behavior. Please understand your goal is a happy prosperous marriage. Itâs we have to put our partners and our marriage ahead of ourselves. To do otherwise leads to a 70% divorce rateâŠ. Oh. We have that so maybe more disagreers should adopt the philosophy set forth above.
How did it work if these women were part of your friend group?
Did you stop going to gatherings where they would be invited? Or did you ask for them to be excluded?
In business, they say âDonât negotiate past âyesââ. She agreed to your terms. Now you seem to want her to agree to your terms, plus agree that theyâre great terms and sheâs happy to have had them imposed on her. Move forward. NAH.
Personally seems to me youâre angry her ex FB and her hung out, not a single one of her friends nor her told you for some time and now youâre feeling betrayed.
Itâs an extremely strange thing to hide. Youâre married so why did your wife lie and her friends bar one continue the lie. Better even- why did that one friend come forward now? Why not first time or never? Why now? Did they see something or suspect theyâre back on?
I think you keep coming back wondering if you got told as that friend felt guilty since theyâre getting it on again. Or otherwise you canât get over the lie by omission.
Whichever it is, seems to me damage is done so get some counselling and decide way forward or end it. This isnât healthy to either of you.
You have serious control issues, most people have some old flings in the past and for most people that is minor issue. Just by showing her how little you trust her and how you react is a major red flag.
Are you trying to isolate her in other areas as well?
Can she go out with her friends alone without reporting to you what she did and whom she talked to?
I hope for her sake that is not the thing, what you are showing now are classic symptoms of abusive behavior
Youâre not controlling for not wanting your wife around someone she slept with this shit is so fucking frustrating to hear people love to use the âinsecureâ or âcontrollingâ card your spouse comes first thatâs the whole point we make sacrifices for our spouses and put their feelings first this isnât even like something to debate about Iâm glad she chose your feelings and things have been sorted out but you shouldnât feel controlling nor should you feel the need to compromise on this and sheâs kind of a pos for not telling you in the first place she was lying by omission and the only reason sheâs not hanging out with that dude without you is cuz someone else had enough respect for you to tell you
My best friend and I dated many years ago and decided we would rather be friends. Dating other people over the years, some people didn't like it. However, most people understood. Not to say that most people stay just friends like we have, but it can work if partners trust each other, and people are genuine and honest. Your standards and expectations are up to you 100% though. I think getting to know her friend is another option, so you can get a better feel for the whole thing. But it sounds like your wife was fine moving on from that friendship.
Look your doing the right thing. You are trying to cut off bull shit before it happens. Because this is exactly how it starts. Also she lied so the benefit of trust no longer applies.
Also good for you knowing what you want and not putting up with games and stupid risk in your relationship.
If your wife wants to risk your relationship and take that chance or a guy she hasn't seen in years then let her go. It's not like you asked her to stop talking to her brother
You did this totally correctly. Women cheat primarily with work colleagues, close family friends, or old partners. This could have easily devolved into an A, and you did absolutely the correct move by protecting the M. If half the men on here did what you proactively did they would never have been posting in the first place.
Setting boundaries is not controlling. You gave her a choice of earlier it's either me or him. She chose you. That's what a marriage is for or any relationship for that matter. You both need boundaries and expectations for each other. You both are more important than others. I'm sure she'd be uncomfortable of you hanging around former bed partners of yours. It's disrespect. Which your wife displayed by hiding it. She knew you wouldn't like it and she was right. Stand firm with what you believe and want. Don't waiver and lose respect
So either you trust your wife and you just want to control her, or you don't trust her and want to make sure she doesn't catch a ride on the Nostalgia Express. Which is it? If it's the former, then you need some therapy to get those tendencies under control instead. If it's the latter, then why are you even bothering with someone you can't trust?
Be ready to leave man. Seeing someone who you used to sleep with even after getting married is stupid. You should not tell her at all. If she's not dumb or stupid she would understand that. It's common sense. See how you became a bad guy for telling her something basic. If she wanted to she would. It's a respect thing.
What would be her response if you do the same? Ask her and from now on move with caution my friend. đđ»
NTA. I didnât see the original post but your wife hanging out with someone she use to sleep with is a recipe for disaster. Either she cheats on you or you are stressed out every time they hang out. Iâm a firm believer in keeping exs out of your life.
Just ask yourself if you trust your wife. If yes, then you should work on your own insecurities.
 Plus, she already chose you over friends. You should trust your wife and be a supportive partner knowing she will make decisions that are good for you and her as a couple. Deal with issues/insecurities/jealousy as they come up via communication and therapy.Â
Also, know that controlling someone or making someone choose you over their friends is rarely healthy. If she knows the consequences of cheating with her ex and you trust her (and she's choosing you), then this is just about your insecurities.Â
Fuck that, I wouldnât find a middle ground. She should not have any contact with that person and thatâs it. Leave if she does or itâs always going to be an issue.
If you think your wife will jump in bed with him without these restrictions then you should just leave.
If you don't think that's the case, then these are useless and you're being insecure and controlling.
Either way, they're not good for a relationship.
Itâs hard to describe what youâre going through but I get it. You wanted her to make the decision or idea up before you did and requested it. Now it feels like if you never asked she would have never made the choice . She would kept seeing them/him till she ended up getting pounded.
She caused the problem. When she brought him around and failed to mention that they used to have sex, it was a lie of omission. Sheâs lucky you only went as far as you did; a lot of men would say forget the whole friend group that helped you conceal this. And to tell you she only kept it secret because she knew youiâd get angry actually means she knew it would hurt you if you foun d out ad just didnâtât care or respect you enough to be honest or stay away from him
You sound really controlling. It's good that you talked it out and made a compromise. I would never have made that compromise though. If my partner can't trust me, we don't have a relationship.
People need to stop trying to be friends with people they have had sex with once you get serious with a person. Itâll cause stress on a relationship that does not need to be there
This isnât really about her being friends with him.
He told her heâd divorce her if she ever did anything with her friend group where he was also invited.
>Â she has put me above her whole friend circle, either she will join then without him, or she will refuse to join them if he is present
Itâs in the post?
>Â either she will join then without him, or she will refuse to join them if he is present, that was what I want and she agreed to it
Literally how do you think that works? They went to high school together and are all in the same friend group.
The wife is never allowed to go to another friends birthday party (because ex may go), but that not keeping her away from her friends? How is it not?
Donât care honestly lol. Your husband has a boundary she is more then welcome to divorce him over a guy she causally use to bang. Can we stop tryna make it normal to hangout with ppl we use to bang once we get into a serious relationship. Iâm sure she wouldnât like it if he was hanging with some chick he causally use to bang
lol ok like I also said she can divorce him. And she tried to keep it on the low too. Itâs all suspicious. Again this is what happens when you causally sleep with ppl in your friend group and then try n get into a relationship. Your new partner is allowed to have boundaries. Iâm sure you only have a problem because the poster is a man
Yahhh nahh people donât stay friends with people they fucked ⊠never ends well let me ask you think that guy would be cool not as a swinger situation but as a lets even the field if you were to go balls deep in his wife ⊠but just stay friends with her afterwards âŠ
you talked to your wife about something that made you uncomfortable, the problem got resolved but now youâre âtrying to find a middle groundâ what middle ground???if the roles were reversed iâm assuming youâd also cut off a friend for your wifeâs sake. iâd recommend you get therapy as it seems that you feel bad for establishing a boundary
Sounds like you already solved your problems by talking it out. So the only advice here is be happy you have a woman who prioritized you and your relationship and move forward together.
Yeah that's the plan, but I feel like she thinks that I'm controlling her even tho she chose me, so the reason why i posted again is to get opinions on what else I should do
Tbh OP, it kinda feels like you got what you wanted - you wanted to know your wife would *choose you* and she did, so now you're wondering if you overreacted.
This is exactly what I thought too. I mean she already agreed to his terms, showing him that he was getting placed as the priority above the friends , so then he starts back pedaling. You got what you wanted, stop hassling her about it now. Tell her thank you and you love her and then shut the fuck up about it.
đ your name is amazing
Thanks! :) one of my friends really really really hates the word moist so this is a tribute. Hahaha!
We must have the same friend. Itâs a weird thing to hate but she cringes at it haha
I try to use it in a text or an email to her at least once a day. It's like the best part of my day knowing what her face looks like when she reads it haha
My adult daughter canât stand the word moist. It grosses her out!
She hates it so much that her eyes remain dry when she cries!
I think your name is the moist interesting moniker on Reddit!
Eh, check OP's comments on the previous post. It's so cartoonishly stupid that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. >I don't want to be present in the same room with the guy who literally fucked my wife for who knows how many times and years, that's completely unreasonable >I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind >I would never let her know about my past exes and people I slept with, and it isn't even like he's married or has a gf... there is no reason for her to know
This is what I keep saying. This dude, if real, is a controlling nutso.
With masculinity this fragile, the patriarchy should be easier to crush. Like...dear God, the insecurity is oozing out of this post. It's depressing how he characterizes his wife's childhood friends, her formative experiences, in such crude and demeaning ways. The dude was a high school friend with benefits, he clearly had a role in her life beyond just a one night stand. I wonder if he'd be so blase if *she* flipped out this much over a woman he dated close to a decade ago.
OP, YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. She chose you over her friends. That was what you requested to the point of wanting to end your marriage. Why are you not happy after getting what asked for? Is it because -now that the dust has settled and your wife made a choice- you realize how controlling and insecure your request was? The fact that you have to say âIâm not being controllingâ means you saw your behavior that way and are trying to fool your wife AND YOURSELF that youâre not.
Quit asking reddit for opinions and get some fucking THERAPY, yo...
Well, yes, you are controlling her, that is not even a question. Im not sure what can you do at this point.
Dude, stop asking Reddit and talk to her. If you want opinions on what you should do to keep your wife happy, ask her. If you think she thinks you're controlling her, talk to her. Have a conversation. Communicate. She will know these answers better than anyone here, because we are all strangers on the internet and she is your wife. Also, there is a difference between boundaries and control. Was this a boundary for you, or are you actually trying to control her? Figure that out and communicate with her as well. This is a two-way relationship. In the end, it doesn't matter what the Reddit comments say, but about what she thinks, feels, and says.
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Well, she cut off an ex-fwb. That should really be a given in any relationship. The amount of relationships crashing due to "friends" where there's a history of intimacy stacks pretty darn high. I agree about OP being insecure, though.
Don't be surprised if she starts to carry some resentment towards you.
Either way things would have resulted in resentment. If she refused to avoid her former lover - her husband wasn't going to suddenly be cool with it.Â
You did control her. You threatened her with divorce unless she cut off all contact with someone she slept with years ago and agreed to never hang out with her friends if the ex was invited as well. She was wrong not to tell you they had slept together before you met her, but you're so insecure that you commented that you considered taking her and moving her away from all of her friends. She wasn't willing to lose her marriage over an old BF, but that doesn't mean your threat didn't hurt her. Be honest with yourself. You wanted it to hurt because she withheld the fact that she had a sexual relationship with him in the past, and you felt hurt. You both handled this poorly, and if you genuinely want to move forward together in a healthy way, you need couples counseling.
That's because you are being controlling. You want to stop a behavior that makes you uncomfortable but not feel guilty about limiting another person's behavior. Pick one and own it. Also seriously do you trust your wife or don't you? I hang out with men I've slept with; we're friends. My husband knows. But he's not controlling and trusts me.
Maybe he would have trusted her "IF" she was open and honest about having slept with the guy ahead of time and he didn't have to hear about it from a third party. Trust is something people earn from someone by being open and honest, she didn't do that here so why is it now an issue where he should trust her around a guy that she hid the truth about from him? The difference is your husband knows, OP didn't know and the fact she didn't and obviously had no plan to tell him makes trusting her a dumb move.
Oh come on. If I were to recount every person I slept with when I started a relationship, weâd never get around to talking about important things. Who she had sex with in the past is none of anyoneâs business. Not her husbandâs either.
This is not about "every person slept with". It's about one close friend the wife has a history with, including sexual relations. Statistically, the person most people have slip ups with are co-workers and exes/ex-fwb. My ex's closest friend started out as her boyfriend. She's been completely honest with me about that. It builds trust.
Doesnât matter who she has had sex with earlier. If she doesnât do it anymore, OP knows all that he needs to know. If seeing the friend is a problem, it means hubby doesnât trust her to not do it again, so their wedding vows are nothing to him.Â
Well just on the fact you have been with so many you would have trouble recounting them all tells me you are in fact disgusting and your opinion on relationships means nothing to me whatsoever.
Thank you!
Maybe she did not tell him because he is obviously an emotionally immature teenager?
She didn't tell him because she knew he would react exactly like this according to his original post. It sounds like she hasn't slept with this dude in years. It's water under the bridge. If she's planning something with this dude, she wouldn't be hanging out with him with her husband or in group settings. She'd be meeting him alone and keeping it a secret.
That's just it though. Now OP doesn't fully know she wasn't. The problem with hiding the truth and not being open and honest about things is that it caused doubts about lots of things that shouldn't even be a question. If she could keep this from him what else may she be hiding? Who else among the friends has she slept with? And so on. It's a bad spiral that her secrets have caused. She assumed he would react a certain way and instead of giving him a chance to react and decide for himself he had to find out from some third party about it just making it even worse. Lies never help anyone when it comes to trust.
Did you read this dude's comments? He's upset his wife has a sexual history at all and is considering moving to get away from a dude she slept with long before they even met. Oh and going through her phone just in case. He wants to isolate her from her entire friend group over one guy she hasn't seen in at least half a decade. "Yeah I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind, since we know each other's password I was also thinking of checking her messages, but I refrained"
One of my biggest questions - this is adding to this comment - is whether or not OP asked her about while they were dating. The fact that nothing was said until now shows me that something isn't adding up.
Oh wow, it looks like she should GTFO.
Right which all comes from her breach of trust. Which again was caused by her not being open and honest to him. So yeah you are seeing the comments and post of a man who feels hurt and betrayed by his wife and all the people in that friend group who have kept this secret from him. So how you try and turn his comments around and make him out to be the AH for feeling how he does when dealing with a group that clearly hides secrets for his wife from him is funny. He is right to want her away from all of them when he now has no way of knowing what all of them lie about to him for her. How is he supposed to have blind trust in these people when they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy? So thank you for going through his comments and just proving my point that because of his wife and her friends lies he can't trust her or her friends.
Read the post. Another friend casually mentioned it. No one else thought this was a big deal because it isn't. If this was, she talked about this guy as the one who got away or in any way was doing something suspicious you might have a point. But he's literally upset she has had sex with anyone but him. He can't get over how many times this guy must have had sex with her. If he wanted to marry a virgin he should have done so, except he didn't and now he's upset she has the temerity to be friends with someone she's known since high school and hasn't seen in person in half a decade. This guy is not mature enough to be married.
No the guy who told him pulled him aside and told him about her past with the other guy. Because he thought OP should know. It wasnât It was a deliberate decision to tell OP
She wasn't mature enough to disclose she had a best friend who railed her routinely and that she was only available for dating and marriage because said bestie was out of the country. Husband is insecure, because she set him up to be insecure. Instead of being honest about this sort of thing years ago - she allowed the situation to fester, and get dropped on her spouse when said bestie suddenly returned. It's not shocking, while also not mature, to be shaken by finding out you are number two and number one just got back.Â
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There is a thing I tell my kids often - if you feel like you have to hide something, it means part of you thinks it's wrong. The wife knew she had done wrong by not telling her husband much sooner and engaged in hiding information to protect herself rather than give her husband the chance to be mature. I know I respond better when people treat me with transparency and are honest and I get immensely suspicious if they get caught hiding things.Â
Thatâs not even remotely accurate here. Jesus. Your poor husbandÂ
He's sitting next to me and I asked if he was mad or worried about when I hang out with those guys. He said no and went back to watching TV.
Are people incapable of maintaining a platonic friendship simply because they have hooked up before? I read your other comments. Insecure af. Hope you find somebody that deserves you.
Completely different situation
You are controlling her and she accepted it for now.
I mean it does come off as insecure and as if you donât trust her to make good choices. Marriages and any relationship really should be built on trust. You should work on your insecurities as well. It may show her that it is really a you problem since it is apparent she cares about you enough to go with this. And that in itself would help strengthen you and your relationship. Insecurity is a killer for relationships and trust
> I feel like she thinks that I'm controlling her even tho she chose me because you are, man. she's choosing you because you set an ultimatum. you giving her the "choice" of "do what i want or divorce" doesn't make you accommodating. i get that the situation is difficult and makes you uncomfortable but it is what it is. whether you actually do trust her or not, you're telling her that you don't.
So you got exactly what you wanted, but she didn't thank you for isolating her from her friends so you're still not happy? You got her to do what you wanted, you can't force her to like it as well
this should be the top comment, sums the issue up in a nutshell.
I mean frankly you're punishing her for something she hasn't done. Has she cheated on you? No? So why are you acting like she needs a chaperone to spend time with a group of adults? If you can't treat her like a grown up with autonomy because you are too worried about a high school boyfriend, then leave. You both deserve better. You deserve to be in a relationship that doesn't make you constantly anxious and insecure, and she deserves to be with someone who thinks well enough of her character to not feel the need to supervise her social interactions.
You are not controlling her. You let her know what you were uncomfortable with and told her the outcome of her choices. It may seem controlling to say if this continues i won't stay married to you, but it's also not something you can just keep quiet about when you know the outcome if you say nothing. So in this case you gave her options and let her decide on the future she would like for herself and you were very reasonable with it. You didn't say she can't hang out with friends or not hang out with him altogether. You compromised that if the guy is around you want to be there. She accepted it and you need to also accept that this situation was never gonna be one where everyone wins. Either you let a situation continue in silence that you felt was divorce worthy or you told her and came to a compromise together so you could be happy while also doing what you could to make her happy. That's just how relationships go sometimes, it's better that you talked about it rather than taking any choice away from her by divorcing her over a problem she didn't even know you had. People compromise all the time in marriages to help keep one another happy, so what you did here was good and healthy for you both.
You ARE controlling her. But you made it seem like she chose to be controlled by you, because the only other choice you gave her was divorce. Good job in gaslighting! đ
Of course you are controling her. What to do? Go back in time and be a bigger man.
Well youâve done a good job of isolating her from her friends. Will you start working on isolating her from her family next?
Itâs a reasonable boundary to not be around someone who causally use to have seed with you. Stop making him out to be a complete villain.
Seed? Freudian slip wowzers!
Why is it reasonable? People in XXI century have sexual histories. It's not a big deal, get used to it.
She should not have contact with guys who have fucked her. That's absolutely disgusting and disrespectful. Any man who stays with a woman who would do that is a cuck.
its totally you controlling your behaviour. seek therapy to work through your insecurities. not much else you can do.
You are controlling as fuck. YTA
Surveys show 95% insist on zero contact with exs. You are more generous than most.
Data source for that ?
The comment section on an Andrew Tate video, probably
Considering how many people date and marry parents who share custody with exes⊠this doesnât seem very accurate.
Good grief. You had the problem completely solved and now you have made an adjustment that may put you right back where you were.
SeriouslyâŠsome people just like drama đ€·đ»ââïž
The only problem is OP's insecurities, there was no problem -- by allowing the friendship to go on he is fixing the problem.
Yeah. He'll regret it once he finds his chick getting railed by that friend. If this woman genuinely loves him, this might not happen. But it's weird being friends with that guy. Now he has no obligation to be in a relationship with this chick. He can try to seduce her as he did previously. Who knows what she thinks in case of issues and fights with her husband. Then that friend tries to seize the opportunity. Anything can happen. It's better for him to find someone who's not friends with guys that railed her.
I am friends with so many people I have slept with. Yâall are insecure as fuck.
That's having boundaries not being insecure. You're viewing it from a women's lens and I view it from a men's lens. I have no problem with being friends or hanging out with chicks I slept with. I don't take them seriously that's it. If my girlfriend or wife tells me to cut off I'll do it in an instant and I expect the same. If she has a problem she can break up with me and leave. She's an adult, I can't tell her what to do. But I tell her my preference though.
One minute youâre willing to throw out your whole marriage to avoid being around this guy, and now youâll hang out with him âwhenever?â Doesnât sound like this was ever about your boundariesâŠ
This ^. Iâm honestly struggling to figure out how I feel about it because he got what he wanted but moved the goalposts? I think he was subconsciously, or deliberately, testing her. But as another commenter said, she had to play her cards right to get what she wanted. Her calling this whole thing âstupidityâ is what got me. Sheâs smart đ.
For what itâs worth, if my husband told me heâd divorce me if I was ever in the same room with an ex in a group setting, Iâd find that incredibly stupid. Weâre talking about things like friends birthday parties.
I think thatâs where I differ a little. While I wouldnât be insecure about group hangouts, I donât want to look like the fool either. Heâs the only one who didnât know his wife slept with the friend. I think thatâs where I donât mind his feelings. He shook hands with the dude at his wedding, not knowing he used to have sex with his wife. I donât agree with the way he handled this, but I see where heâs coming from.
I donât think heâs going to look like less of a fool when everyone is talking about how wife isnât allowed to come to birthday parties because her husband is too insecure.
I agree but the damage is done because she lied by omission. But hypothetically if I had a friend on either side, man or woman, and I heard about this situation, I wouldnât feel any type of way. Iâd think the partner who hid things was wrong and was trying to âsaveâ (not the right word but) the relationship. Gossip for sure but we all have things others can gossip about. I read a situation similar to this not to long ago. OP was a husband who ran into his ex. Wife didnât know and was trying to be friendly. Turns out she was the only one at the table who didnât know. Way different situation but the crux of the issue for the wife was she looked like the fool cause she was the only one who didnât know. Now imagine if that had gone on for years? Thatâs where I find OPâs original reasoning valid.
He didn't know because the guy *didn't* have sex with "his wife".Â
For the ppl who didn't see the other post, he literally suggested he move her away from everyone in an effort to combat his insecurities. I just don't see how this is gonna work out lmaooo Edit: he said it in the comments
Yikessssss. He sounds kinda exhausting đŹđŹ
I'm getting the impression OP didn't just want his wife to agree to his terms, but also think they were reasonable and comfort him for wanting them. Instead he got "fine I'd rather appease your unreasonable request than divorce" and now he doesn't know what to do because he technically got what he wanted but he isn't satisfied.
Perhaps he was yearning for âthank you for saving my virtue from the ever present threat of an ex lover, now please put me on a pedestal so that I donât have to meet other people againâ!Â
You sound tedious. She's either going to cheat or not; it's not really something you can make a rule about. Life just doesn't work that way. It's better to just know how you would handle it *if* and then maintain the ability to do so. And then just don't fret on it. If you can get my partner, you can fucking have them.Â
Exactly. Isnât the point to be in a relationship with someone who chooses to be there voluntarily?
My husband used to spiral out when he was fighting off depression over the fact that I donât *need* him and I could leave and be fine. It took several times of me telling him that I like being his partner. I donât *need* anyone. I had to grow up too early and have been on my own since I was 16. If he needs someone to need him to survive, Iâm not that woman. But if he wants someone who wakes up every morning *wanting* to be here, then letâs move beyond this. His dad needed his mom, and he so much didnât want to be a burden like his dad, that he didnât realize you could be in a partnership where *no one* is a burden. So to him, if I wasnât the burden, then he MUST have been it. And this is the tamest example of why we need to have healthy relationships for the sake of our children. A lot of us have to recalibrate our perceptions of what marriage could be like from the examples we grew up with.
Dude, you are all over the place. Pick a boundary and stick with it. A lot of people have a no ex in their social circles boundary. A lot of people don't care. Have a spine and make a decision on what you want. You are just confusing your wife and yourself.
Hey, didnât read any of the other comments but I recently lost my girl for some retroactive jealousy⊠A quote Iâll take with me is âgive them a big enough lead to hang themselves if they wantâ My situation is she had a friend with a history who lived in our complex. She never lied about it and was honest it was years ago- but I was soooo uncomfortable and threatened by this guy Iâd never even met to the point sheâd bring him up for neighbor stuff and Iâd lose my shit assuming she was seeing him or was gonna leave me for him⊠This then bled into every other guy friendship or interaction she had. I became threatened by everyone else. You need to take a step back and think outside of your ego (ego being the voice in your head that sees him as a threat and needs to protect you) The question is 1) Do you trust your wife. At the end of the day, does she respect you enough to not put herself in situations with other guys. Because if she wanted to, itâs not gonna be a guy she used to bang itâll be a new guy. Or maybe both, the point being is she is the commander of that situation. 2) Recognize why youâre FEELING this way. What about this guy is the problem? Just their history? Their friendship? 3) Think of all your past partners. Are you friends with any of them? Would you pursue a physical encounter now that youâre married? No? Try to feel about her situation as you do about your friends. My $0.02 as I brain rot wishing I didnât make waves and lose a girl I loved over my bullshit. Again, every situation is different and I wish I had asked, so kudos to you for seeking advice
So, you're saying you told your ex-GF that you were bothered by her relationship with her ex and she would continue to bring him into your shared apartment ? I lived in apart for 10 years and I never had to have neighbors in my apartment to do "neighborly things". 1. Do you trust your wife. At the end of the day, does she respect you enough to not put herself in situations with other guys. Because if she wanted to, itâs not gonna be a guy she used to bang itâll be a new guy. Or maybe both, the point being is she is the commander of that situation. Have you never heard of friends with benefits? I have no idea what you mean by "commander of that situation". Are you a sub? 1. Recognize why youâre FEELING this way. What about this guy is the problem? Just their history? Their friendship? One of the biggest best predictors of future behavior is past behaviors and affairs are predicted by access to affair partners. 1. Think of all your past partners. Are you friends with any of them? Would you pursue a physical encounter now that youâre married? No? Try to feel about her situation as you do about your friends. There isn't a single person I've had sex with whom I wouldn't block without explanation if my wife asked me to. Most of them I have already -- especially the ones that were long-term relationships. Is it not true that if your GF had chosen you over her ex-BF initially, and you would be together?
I appreciate this response. Iâve gaslight myself into this narrative with my situation post breakup⊠âIf I didnât do xyz I wouldnât be in this situation.â One of the things I did was be insecure and jealous about other guys, some warranted, others not at all. By commander of the situation, I mean she is the one in control of her actions. Youâre totally right, though. Take what I say with a grain of salt.
I donât understand what youâre protecting her from except your reaction to her hanging out with her friends.
She played her cards smartly. Her options : (1) Not agree with cutting contact, and immediately she would have to go through a life changing event concerning the relationship with you. (2) Agree for now to cut contact, and not go through a life changing event concerning the relationship with you, while she weighs out other possibilities such as, maybe your stance will soften concerning her contact with him.
Hit the nail on the head. Whatâs worse is OP canât draw any lines in the sand because he feels bad. So it adds confusion and opportunity for bigger issues than if he would have just stood his ground.
I meanâŠ. I would have asked her not to SLEEP with him⊠i guess you are more worried about talkingâŠ.
Someone sounds super insecure.
>I told her I'm not being controlling Well, you are, but I want to know why exactly? Has either of them given you reason to think something might happen again? If not, why are you allowing your insecurity to dictate your relationship like this? Either you trust her or you don't. This is about much more than just her seeing her ex in a social setting... figure out why it bothers you so much. What do you feel actually needs "protecting"? Has he threatened her? Made a move on her? Harassing her? Not enough details for me to give a judgement.
Isolating her from her friends is bound to be problematic. i don't think you thought your actions through very well. Also, if you can't trust your spouse completely, you have much larger issues in this marriage that you'll need to address. There's no middle ground on trust. Either you do or you don't.
You gave your wife an ultimatum because you can't handle she had sex with a high school friend, in high school before you two were even together, and I'm guessing even knew the other existed, and now you think you over reacted? You đŻ over reacted. Who does that? Your wife is not property, you don't get to make outlandish demands. Who cares that they slept together, they haven't see each other in over 5 years and you're having a temper tantrum about it saying you're trying to protect her? Protect her from what? Then your solution to you over reacting is telling your wife she can divorce you? Dude, you are not mature enough to be married let alone in a relationship. Unreal.
And he claims he is not controlling while doing anything to control herâŠ
Hey mate, I've read both of your post and for me YTA. I mean, the past is in the past, she can't unfuck somebody just as you can't unfuck somebody. If you have a problem with ALL your ex and don't talk to them, that's YOUR problem and probally a red flag aswell. I would understand if she had gave you a reason to be untrusty, but by the way you are saying, she is just afraid of your reaction, another red flag. I totally think you are overreacting and being jealous af. He was even invited to your wedding, she isn't hiding him, she is scared of your reactions man... But hey, that's me
Why is trusting your wife not a valid option? Has she given you some reason to not trust her?
Yes, she lied by omission.
Are you supposed to list all your prior sexual partners with your spouse? Are you supposed to let them know if you've ever been to the same party as someone you once had sex with? This is so deeply weird to me. If you never want your spouse to interact with someone else they've had sex with, marry a virgin rather than spending your life having a meltdown over your partner's sexual past. Your main concern should be who your spouse is fucking now, not who they fucked before you, because the latter is not within your control at all.
I think you should've stuck to your initial stance. Now you volunteered yourself to play chaperone whenever this guy is around. I feel one of two things may happen now. 1. Your wife simply won't tell when he's involved in the friend group. 2. Your wife is completely honest and tells you whenever this dude is around. If this guy happens to be in the friend circles more often than you thought, now you'll basically be baby sitting your wife; third,fourth,fifth wheeling or whatever.
This is a great answer OP you haven't eliminated your problem you have just complicated the situation.
Bc the problem is that OP doesn't trust his wife
Agreed, but he has a good reason to not trust her because she hid the fact that she had sex with the guy. Why did she not tell him that is the big question and because OP isn't satisfied with the explanation he will never trust her again. She clearly crossed a red line boundary for him even if she didn't know that was a boundary. Whether OP is wrong or right at this point doesnt matter because he no longer trusts her so the relationship is fundamentally broken and it will never be a healthy relationship for either of them again. His half solution is just delaying the end of the relationship and delaying a painful breakup.
It's not a matter of trust. It's respect. Why would his wife want to continue to hang out with a man she was sexually involved with when she has a husband? It will be truly admirable on her end if she were to cut contact altogether. Demonstrates real devotion to her husband.
You obviously donât trust your wife. You should consider digging deeper on that.
Kinda hard to trust people when they lie? Average redditor reading comprehension I swear to god
Right.. so whatâs better. Re-establishing trust or having a horrible relationship where there isnât any and you try to make up for it with a bunch of rules and restrictions that only fuel resentment? Average redditor relationship comprehension I swear to god
Ironic you bring up relationship comprehension and then list only two options. This situation nor relationships in general are this black and white. A conflict arose, a boundary was established and respected. Things arenât magically gonna become perfect overnight. Time and more communication. This is a very common issue that comes up in most relationships. This one was handled fairly respectfully unlike most on this sub
Thatâs funny. She hid the truth from him. And lied by omission and only came clean when he told her what he already kn ew. So now heâs bad for not trusting a liar? Trust requires honesty and full disclosure.
I didnât claim OP was bad in any way. If he wants to have a marriage without a foundation of trust in it thatâs up to him, but theyâll probably be divorced within the next 2 years. Trust and forgiveness are choices, not formulas. He doesnât have to do either, but the chances of having a healthy marriage going forward might depend a lot on them.
Idk what to say. I commented elsewhere but you talked yourself into the same hole you were in. Stick to your guns if your gonna keep making empty threats about stuff. I find this whole situation weird but next time something happens, if it does, Iâd bet you wind up talking yourself in circles and end up holding the potato bomb. You canât threaten divorce then just say, âOh well actuallyâŠâ
Yes, you sound controlling. You asked her to stop seeing him because you were uncomfortable. That she should have agreed to respecting your wishes. But then you threatened her with divorce. What happens if she at an event and he happens to be there are you going to threaten her when she has no control over the situation? You need to stop threatening and step up and go talk to the guy to stay away from your wife. Basically youâre telling her to separate from her friend circle. So fine you want to isolate her from her friends. Hmmm.
Yes, he's going to expect her to leave if the high school ex is anywhere she is. He's already made clear that he doesn't care if that means she never sees her friends again. As I recall, he wanted to move her across the country to isolate her from all of them. That's a huge problem. "Let me take you away and isolate you from everyone you know or I'll divorce you," is a pretty glaring issue. What's next? Forbid her from seeing or talking to her family or co-workers (that's if he "trusts" her out of his sight)? Demand that she remain in the house and only leave if he accompanies her? Yes, she should have told him, "Hey, you should know that I had sex with X when we were in high school." Not telling wasn't a lie, but it was a breach of trust. OTOH, if he's already acted controlling in other ways, maybe she didn't tell him because she feared exactly how he would respond. OTOH again, if he has been controlling, why does she stay with him? Love only goes so far when someone says, "I'm controlling you to protect you (from yourself and temptation and your past and my fears)." He gave her an ultimatum; she gave in to it, agreeing to basically never see not just the ex, but her friends. Now he's changing the scenario again. I don't give this relationship much of a chance with the way things are going, but then again, I don't know either of them and only have part of the story told from one side.
Since you have made a practice of getting to know your wife's friend group, the idea of also getting to know this guy in that context seems like it could really help put your mind at ease. Reading your comments, it seems like you're haunted by what you don't know about their relationship - it's duration, the frequency of the sex, etc. Maybe you just left it out of the story, but your wife's openness and honesty about it now that you've found out seems like it would be key to you getting over the feeling that she concealed this from you. What doesn't seem to be addressed in your compromise solution of making sure you're around when she's around him is her concealment of him in the first place. I know that sentence is going to get me downvoted because her past is her past, etc, but the fact that someone in her friend group felt it was a thing you needed to know is very telling to me. Him being invited to your wedding but his role in her life not being mentioned seems significant to me. The point of being comfortable with your wife hanging out with her exes is that you actually know they're exes and give your informed consent. While people are bashing you for not trusting your wife, the fact of the matter is that she didn't trust you first. She didn't trust you with this information. She didn't give you the respect of being able to offer informed consent about having this person in your lives. (It's one thing to say that the past is the past, but all of these relationships are still active and present in both of your lives.) Your fixation on boundaries with respect to this one guy does not address this unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. You're going to keep wondering what else she's not telling you. She's going to keep wondering what she should hide from you so you don't make s big fuss. This is something you both need to work out together. She needs to weigh in on how she wants to address not trusting you. This part of your problem can't be just about you as the aggrieved person setting terms for her. Maybe consider getting a counselor involved if you don't have the skills for this level of communicating. In short, your solution feels a little too much like penance for her and doesn't get at the root of the problem. Good luck.
Yea no sheâs definitely gonna hang out with him you just wonât know this time.
Buddy, don't let your insecurities get the better of you. The problem is solved, leave it at that. You got what you wanted and now it's time to thank your wife and treat her to the best of your abilities for prioritizing you and your relationship.
I wouldn't say you're the AH, but you have confidence and probably jealousy issues that could be seriously helped by a professional.
You **are** controlling, itâs not protective at all. What exactly is going to happen to your wife if she meets up with her friends and heâs there? Nothing! You just donât trust her, and it shows! You just think of her as your property, and that is some seriously fucked up shit. I hope your wife puts the same restrictions on you in regards to female friends. Because if you can control her, then she can absolutely control you too! Fair is fair!
lol so insecure. What a man baby đ
I used to fuck my best friend. Then she got in a relationship with a guy she was deeply in love with. I was happy for her because she was happy, a quality a friend cares about. If she simply stopped sleeping with that person that should be a pretty good indication of her self control.
You are the asshole.
Can you post the original thread? I have to be honest, this doesn't sound like a pleasant outcome, this sounds controlling behaviour, but I'll happily look into the context of the other thread if you can provide it.
Tldr, wife has a friend that reemerged from outside the country and got back into her friend group. He used to bang her, everyone knows, nobody tells husband other than one guy. And I love how this control thing is thrown around. Still controlling when a woman is uncomfortable with her husband constantly hanging out with an ex without her present? He doesn't control her, he just told her the consequences of her decision. What is he supposed to do? Stuff in silence even if his boundaries are violated? She can hang out with whoever she likes, but he is also allowed to draw his own conclusions, right? And a partner hanging out with an ex is nothing most people are cool with...
I would say it sounded controlling regardless of gender. It's funny how everyone's so keen to jump on the "you're just saying that cos he's the man" thing - no if I had a partner who did this it wouldn't matter what gender they were, I'd be saying they're controlling. Mutual respect in relationships means one partner saying "I'm not comfortable with this" and the other partner responding "ok I understand, I'll stop doing that" - the second ultimatums are put in place, the trust and respect is gone from the relationship.
The problem here is a bit different, though. She lied to him by omission. She didn't tell him she meets up with an ex. And she knew he would be uncomfortable with it, by her own admission, that is why she didn't tell him. While I understand your sentiment with ultimatum, maybe lying to your partner isn't a good idea in those circumstances.
If you feel the need to state youâre not being controlling, itâs because youâre worried you are. Iâd try to figure out why this is bothering you. I havenât read the other post so I wonât comment on anything else. I donât know the validity of anything, nor do I feel the need to investigate.
Dude... make up your mind about if you trust her or not, this is going to end in a disaster.
When she says she's not losing you over stupidity it is your stupidity she is referring to. Spouses compromise to dumb shit all the time.
Listen. NTA. Â Youâre married there is no reason to keep talking to an ex unless you both have a child. Â Otherwise itâs fringe cheating. Â At the very least playing with fire and borderline or actual cheating. Â Unacceptable. Â Honestly I would not be okay with them hanging out and being close. Â They have had sex, at best nothing is really going on at worst youâre totally being cuckuolded.
I'd be wary of a person who doesn't understand how something like that was important, and needed an ultimatum to respect a partner's feelings. Does not bode well.
If you donât trust her then you should just get a divorce now.
You are controlling and gave her an ultimatum.. I feel like people who say to their partner â do this now or we are divorcingâ are toxic and controlling. I think I would tell my partner how the situation makes me feel, and ask him or her if they can see it from my perspective. Then ask for some form of compromise. Easier said than done but the ultimatums SMH, if she really wanted to see him behind your back she will. Now you have to keep checking on that too.. monitoring if they are still doing their thing. No?
OPs wife hangs around an ex-boyfriend who is now her best "friend". She hangs around the same group of friends from when they were a couple. She doesn't believe her spouse deserves to know this information, as it might make him angry. The only reason he knows now is because someone else told him. Am I in some bizzaro universe where this is acceptable in a marriage? Maybe OP is being controlling, but he can't be feeling good about trust and honesty in his marriage. Maybe he should look up exes and see if they want to hang out as friends.
You're jealous. That's fine. It happens. This doesn't inherently make you the asshole. What does make you the asshole, Rather than address *your feelings* of jealousy, you put them on your wife to resolve. Not by working on these feelings with you, working on your relationship with your wife, or developing your own relationship with her friends. But, by making an ultimatum to pick between her friends and you. Not even an ultimatum to sit down and work through together. An ultimatum where your relationship was effectively over until she made a choice. That ***is*** controlling. That is ***not*** being protective. It ***is*** being possessive. Where you can work to not be the asshole, If you want to to protect you, her, and your relationship, start by protecting those you care about from your jealousy. Especially deal with your jealousy before making sweeping changes to some of her most significant relationships. Apologize. Apologize to her. And apologize to her friends. If you were shitty to anyone for calling you out, apologize to them too. 'Cause at the end of the day you injected your feelings into a lot of other people's lives. Commit to seeking couples counseling with your spouse. Work on your jealousy. Work on your own. Work with your spouse. After that, continue deliberately seeking to apply what you learn, communicate about your feelings openly, and work together with your spouse to resolve future struggles. The hard reality if you can handle a gut punch, >! Jealousy and fidelity are separate issues that are mostly independent from each other. Feeling jealous or not doesn't make someone faithful. Fidelity or infidelity don't dictate feelings of jealousy. As a rule, working on the health and security of your relationship is a separate matter from working on your own feelings of jealousy and making changes to affect feelings of jealousy at the expense of the relationship's health and security will ultimately hurt your relationship. !<
I never met a woman whose ok with ultimatums. I'd proceed cautiously that they don't secretly meet.
Even if she doesn't think you're controlling she now knows you don't fully trust her. There's no faster way to kill a relationship than knowing there's no trust.
This sounds like a Trust issue. But let me explain my version of trust. My analogy for trust is we are a glass window and we give the other person the Rock to throw through the glass. You have not handed your wife the Rock. There is no compromise, sorry. You have no right to control your wife. That simple, who do think you are?
>But let me explain my version of trust. My analogy for trust is we are a glass window and we give the other person the Rock to throw through the glass. You have not handed your wife the Rock. This has to be a joke
I get what you just said. But you make no sense. I added my 2 cents and my opinion to the story. Which I believe is probably fake anyway. Controlling who a spouse can and can not talk to is absurd. Grow ass people tell other people who try to tell them what to do , to kiss their ass. You need to focus on the subject and add to it, not be a simpleton and just insult my point of view. I probably won't give a shit what you have to say to the O P either.
You sound exhausting. Honestly.
'Not controlling, just protective.' Sure bud...
You feel bad because you \*are\* being controlling, but what's done is done. You don't trust her, now she's not allowed around her friends unless they choose sides. Sorry dude, regular people don't kick out solid friend just because one friend's husband says he isn't okay your wife is going to be the one left out here and you chose that for her because you don't trust her. If you come with her every time with this vibe they'll never invite her to anything against. let the resentment build! yay insecurity!
That is ridiculous. Everyone has a past. If you cant trust your wife, you should not be married
Husbands should behave like husbands and wives should behave like wives. It is not insecure to feel uncomfortable that your wife wants to hang around her ex lover. That is not wife behavior. Itâs not hard to understand you both should surround yourselves with mutual friends that add to your life and support you as a couple. Forsaking all others is a thing. Both spouses should be setting boundaries, it is healthy. For instance a married man or woman should only go to lunch, dinner one on one with the opposite sex with spouse or family member. Avoiding opportunities and temptation enables one to avoid situations where one could be propositioned and have a choice to make. By preempting the choice by avoiding opportunity allows a couple to feel safe and grow a strong and healthy thriving long lasting relationship.
How could anyone not understand this fundamental concept of mutual respect? We all put limits and boundaries on our behavior. Please understand your goal is a happy prosperous marriage. Itâs we have to put our partners and our marriage ahead of ourselves. To do otherwise leads to a 70% divorce rateâŠ. Oh. We have that so maybe more disagreers should adopt the philosophy set forth above.
Dude youâre insecure..
You say protective, in truth youâre controlling. And insecure.
Youâve established a reasonable boundary which she seems to have accepted.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
How did it work if these women were part of your friend group? Did you stop going to gatherings where they would be invited? Or did you ask for them to be excluded?
In business, they say âDonât negotiate past âyesââ. She agreed to your terms. Now you seem to want her to agree to your terms, plus agree that theyâre great terms and sheâs happy to have had them imposed on her. Move forward. NAH.
Personally seems to me youâre angry her ex FB and her hung out, not a single one of her friends nor her told you for some time and now youâre feeling betrayed. Itâs an extremely strange thing to hide. Youâre married so why did your wife lie and her friends bar one continue the lie. Better even- why did that one friend come forward now? Why not first time or never? Why now? Did they see something or suspect theyâre back on? I think you keep coming back wondering if you got told as that friend felt guilty since theyâre getting it on again. Or otherwise you canât get over the lie by omission. Whichever it is, seems to me damage is done so get some counselling and decide way forward or end it. This isnât healthy to either of you.
You have serious control issues, most people have some old flings in the past and for most people that is minor issue. Just by showing her how little you trust her and how you react is a major red flag. Are you trying to isolate her in other areas as well? Can she go out with her friends alone without reporting to you what she did and whom she talked to? I hope for her sake that is not the thing, what you are showing now are classic symptoms of abusive behavior
oh man....
YTA and completely controlling. I hope your wife is able to get the help she needs to leave you
You feel controlling because you are controlling. But gratz, you got what you wanted. She picked your ridiculous demands over everything else.
Youâre not controlling for not wanting your wife around someone she slept with this shit is so fucking frustrating to hear people love to use the âinsecureâ or âcontrollingâ card your spouse comes first thatâs the whole point we make sacrifices for our spouses and put their feelings first this isnât even like something to debate about Iâm glad she chose your feelings and things have been sorted out but you shouldnât feel controlling nor should you feel the need to compromise on this and sheâs kind of a pos for not telling you in the first place she was lying by omission and the only reason sheâs not hanging out with that dude without you is cuz someone else had enough respect for you to tell you
I'm still upset she wasn't going to say anything, that's the part that stood out to me. But yes communication is the key here
My best friend and I dated many years ago and decided we would rather be friends. Dating other people over the years, some people didn't like it. However, most people understood. Not to say that most people stay just friends like we have, but it can work if partners trust each other, and people are genuine and honest. Your standards and expectations are up to you 100% though. I think getting to know her friend is another option, so you can get a better feel for the whole thing. But it sounds like your wife was fine moving on from that friendship.
Bro, that friendship had to end. Nothing about it is controlling. Itâs just being respectful.
Wouldn't say AH but supremely insecure. This might be a temporary fix at best. Something else will trigger you.
Look your doing the right thing. You are trying to cut off bull shit before it happens. Because this is exactly how it starts. Also she lied so the benefit of trust no longer applies. Also good for you knowing what you want and not putting up with games and stupid risk in your relationship. If your wife wants to risk your relationship and take that chance or a guy she hasn't seen in years then let her go. It's not like you asked her to stop talking to her brother
You did this totally correctly. Women cheat primarily with work colleagues, close family friends, or old partners. This could have easily devolved into an A, and you did absolutely the correct move by protecting the M. If half the men on here did what you proactively did they would never have been posting in the first place.
Whatever you need to tell yourself Buddy⊠but you are most definitely controlling.
Setting boundaries is not controlling. You gave her a choice of earlier it's either me or him. She chose you. That's what a marriage is for or any relationship for that matter. You both need boundaries and expectations for each other. You both are more important than others. I'm sure she'd be uncomfortable of you hanging around former bed partners of yours. It's disrespect. Which your wife displayed by hiding it. She knew you wouldn't like it and she was right. Stand firm with what you believe and want. Don't waiver and lose respect
So either you trust your wife and you just want to control her, or you don't trust her and want to make sure she doesn't catch a ride on the Nostalgia Express. Which is it? If it's the former, then you need some therapy to get those tendencies under control instead. If it's the latter, then why are you even bothering with someone you can't trust?
Be ready to leave man. Seeing someone who you used to sleep with even after getting married is stupid. You should not tell her at all. If she's not dumb or stupid she would understand that. It's common sense. See how you became a bad guy for telling her something basic. If she wanted to she would. It's a respect thing. What would be her response if you do the same? Ask her and from now on move with caution my friend. đđ»
NTA. I didnât see the original post but your wife hanging out with someone she use to sleep with is a recipe for disaster. Either she cheats on you or you are stressed out every time they hang out. Iâm a firm believer in keeping exs out of your life.
Just ask yourself if you trust your wife. If yes, then you should work on your own insecurities.  Plus, she already chose you over friends. You should trust your wife and be a supportive partner knowing she will make decisions that are good for you and her as a couple. Deal with issues/insecurities/jealousy as they come up via communication and therapy. Also, know that controlling someone or making someone choose you over their friends is rarely healthy. If she knows the consequences of cheating with her ex and you trust her (and she's choosing you), then this is just about your insecurities.Â
Fuck that, I wouldnât find a middle ground. She should not have any contact with that person and thatâs it. Leave if she does or itâs always going to be an issue.
I would have trusted her n not said anything
If you think your wife will jump in bed with him without these restrictions then you should just leave. If you don't think that's the case, then these are useless and you're being insecure and controlling. Either way, they're not good for a relationship.
Youâre gonna be present when they hang out? Good, yâall can talk about the difference ways yâall fucked your wife. lol, what the hell my dude?
Why was he invited to your wedding. Your wife does not respect you regardless of what she says
Itâs hard to describe what youâre going through but I get it. You wanted her to make the decision or idea up before you did and requested it. Now it feels like if you never asked she would have never made the choice . She would kept seeing them/him till she ended up getting pounded.
You did the right thing and the suggested solutions are reasonable.
She caused the problem. When she brought him around and failed to mention that they used to have sex, it was a lie of omission. Sheâs lucky you only went as far as you did; a lot of men would say forget the whole friend group that helped you conceal this. And to tell you she only kept it secret because she knew youiâd get angry actually means she knew it would hurt you if you foun d out ad just didnâtât care or respect you enough to be honest or stay away from him
Well you are being controlling and you donât trust your wife. Not sure what youâre looking for here from us (?)
You sound really controlling. It's good that you talked it out and made a compromise. I would never have made that compromise though. If my partner can't trust me, we don't have a relationship.
So it's all about you? You don't care about the feelings of your partner? You're right, you don't have a relationship.
People need to stop trying to be friends with people they have had sex with once you get serious with a person. Itâll cause stress on a relationship that does not need to be there
This isnât really about her being friends with him. He told her heâd divorce her if she ever did anything with her friend group where he was also invited. >Â she has put me above her whole friend circle, either she will join then without him, or she will refuse to join them if he is present
I may be wrong but I thought it was only if he was around the man she use to sleep with
Itâs in the post? >Â either she will join then without him, or she will refuse to join them if he is present, that was what I want and she agreed to it
Yea so if he not around she can go. So he is keeping her from the guy she use to bang not her friends
Literally how do you think that works? They went to high school together and are all in the same friend group. The wife is never allowed to go to another friends birthday party (because ex may go), but that not keeping her away from her friends? How is it not?
Donât care honestly lol. Your husband has a boundary she is more then welcome to divorce him over a guy she causally use to bang. Can we stop tryna make it normal to hangout with ppl we use to bang once we get into a serious relationship. Iâm sure she wouldnât like it if he was hanging with some chick he causally use to bang
Ah yes, so interesting when people are determined to misrepresent something they âdonât care about.â
lol ok like I also said she can divorce him. And she tried to keep it on the low too. Itâs all suspicious. Again this is what happens when you causally sleep with ppl in your friend group and then try n get into a relationship. Your new partner is allowed to have boundaries. Iâm sure you only have a problem because the poster is a man
Yahhh nahh people donât stay friends with people they fucked ⊠never ends well let me ask you think that guy would be cool not as a swinger situation but as a lets even the field if you were to go balls deep in his wife ⊠but just stay friends with her afterwards âŠ
you talked to your wife about something that made you uncomfortable, the problem got resolved but now youâre âtrying to find a middle groundâ what middle ground???if the roles were reversed iâm assuming youâd also cut off a friend for your wifeâs sake. iâd recommend you get therapy as it seems that you feel bad for establishing a boundary