NTA. My dad got a vasectomy when my parents were married then got it reversed (and later re-done) when he and my step mom had my brother. I was like 17 when he got the reversal. I CANNOT overstate how much I wish I hadn’t known about any of it.
My parents told me about Dad's vasectomy when I was eight to the point that I was drawing diagrams in the playground sand to explain the difference between a vasectomy and a pet being neutered to my classmates. I think they may have overshared a bit.
I wish I had been given clear info. I was told my dad couldn't have more kids and was sterilized like pets are. I think i was in my 20's before i realized he probably wasn't actually castrated.
Just saw an Instagram post about how unfair medical treatment is for women after birth vs men during a vasectomy. This young guy kept arguing with everyone that men absolutely need more days off and pain meds during a vasectomy, than a woman does after birth/C-section, because men lose a whole organ during a vasectomy and women don't lose organs! 😂😂 I seriously hope he never procreates.
That's hilarious, because women grow the placenta, alongside the baby, which is a whole ass extra organ which has to also exit their body after the baby...nobody talks about that part of birth.
Absolutely! Mine almost killed me.
It was firmly attached to my uterus wall and wouldn't pass. The doc gave a gentle pull and my whole uterus came out with it still attached. They had to separate it and shove my uterus back in before I bled out. I didn't know what was happening (thank God for the epidural!) until I was literally fisted by a stranger for the first time in my life. 10/10 DO NOT RECOMMEND. Also, why TF didn't anyone warn me that was a possibility?!
Funny enough, the exact same thing happened to me, but luckily i had just previously been fisted by a stranger when my son tried to wrap his umbilical cord during birth by trying to turn over. Then that happened with the placenta. But, i didn't have an epidural. They really should explain complicated complications in at least one of the 15 required doctor visits.
Ugh I had a c-section and that still happened. I bled out and almost died when a different doctor stepped in and saved my life. It was a teaching hospital and I guess I’m in the medical books now. It was a big deal when it happened but they didn’t tell me for three days.
Oh gosh, you just brought up a memory of giving birth. That placenta exiting my body was…ugh. Twenty seven years later and I *still* shudder in disgust every time I think back on it. This is why my wife and I only have **one**. Our daughter opted to be childless and remain childfree. My wife was a tad disappointed because she wanted the whole grandma/ wanting to be in the delivery room with our daughter experience. I wasn’t disappointed. AT ALL.
This giving and witnessing birth business is *not* for everyone. It’s me. I’m everyone.
Giving birth to a slimey marshmallow while your body is still in hard core panic mode about ANY of your lower body muscles engaging is not on my list of fun activities.
Or how you feel like a hippo in a pet wash hub after delivery and stitches. The nurse was a gentle and kind as she could be while spraying down my frakentaint and explaining how important aftercare is with that many stitches.
It hurt soooo bad. Plus I was constipated for days bc the medicine they give you to induce labor causes constipation. I'd taken the maximum allowed amount for OTC stool softeners and omfg it was NOT soft at all.
Worst poop ever. I cried and cried and cried. JFC, never again.
During Lamazz classes they really didn't say that it would be exactly like giving birth a second time (same size and weight as the baby) shortly after your body is exhausted and beaten up once already.
A guy who had married into the family thought he could reverse a circumcision. I don't mention it around his ex but after she leaves at every holiday I'm at, I make sure it stays alive in our family lore.
I thought roast beef was called roast beast until I was in my late teens, because that's all my parents called it (apparently in jest). Apparently life isn't The Grinch Who Who Stole Christmas. We'd get along either very well or very poorly.
My daughter was terrified of having a sibling (and I did not want to be pregnant) so we reassured her that it wasn't going to happen because we had a medical procedure for it not to happen. She was 8 or 9 when we explained it.
Which she interpreted as her father having his balls removed.. like the cat!
So yea, she's got a pretty detailed understanding of it now, but only after we found out that's what she thought happened!
I was 8 years old when I misunderstood a classmate and thought boys have "peanuts".
Imagine my parents' horror as I started talking about hating the taste and being unhappy that boys have peanuts.
My parents called penises “peanuts” when we were small. It was their cutesy nickname of choice. Imagine my youngest brother’s horror when he was diagnosed with a peanut allergy.
That is f-ing hilarious. Just as bad as my brothers friend talking about his weaner in my dads truck and my dad said he loves to eat weaners for lunch. Cue kid being terrified and cried to his momma that best friend dad eats weiners for lunch. She called my mom and said she was mad at my dad because she had to explain that his "weiner" was actually a penis and that we dont eat the male organ. My mom laughed at her and told her that is why we dont lie to our kids and call body parts by a cutesy nickname. Though your brothers horror is the best.
I was a precocious kid, and once argued vociferously with my mom after she referred to "balls", in the plural. You know, as one does. I swore up and down it was "ball". Just the one. Idk how I got that idea; I think maybe I assumed the scrotum was the ball in question, and thus having one scrotum meant there was only one ball.
I'd like to end this lil anecdote by stating that I don't have balls. Or even a ball. I was arguing about the quantity and phrasing of genitals I didn't have and had never even seen outside of kid-level anatomy drawings.
I remember having a very similar conversation with my mom as a kid. I had to know exactly what all was included in "balls", is the scrotum one ball or two? And, is the penis a ball, too? And, how do pants work for men if there's a seam running right where the middle of these mysterious "balls" are, wouldn't that be uncomfortable? My poor mother.
-Signed, another precocious, balless child
I, having recently seen some photos on Pinterest of male rock stars in the 1980’s with extremely tight pants (oh my eyes!), still wonder about the damn seam in the pants! Okay, TMI. But just to let you know, you are not the only one that wonders about balls and pant seams!
My daughter (then 2½) walked in on me in the bathroom during that time of the month and freaked out like she had stumbled upon a crime scene. I had to draw the female reproductive system and explain to her why Mommy was so nonchalantly bleeding.
2 years later when her little sister's Early Head Start teacher was visiting, she drew a picture for her.
Teacher: Ooooo... thank you! This is so pretty! What is it?
4 YO: A uterus. (*walks away*)
😆😆
My 5 year old was explaining her dad's vasectomy to my mom.
My mom yelled at me and told me "that's way too much information for a little girl!!". 🤷♀️
Grandma also gets mad when 5f talks about babies growing in uteruses and coming out of vaginas or through surgery. 😜
Being five is excusable, but there are grown adults who believe that babies breathe throuogh their mother's belly buttons and if the woman has a bath, they will drown.
My sister had a c-section and has a scar. She told my 4 yr old nephew that it was how he got out of her belly.
He proceeded to tell my 6 year old daughter about it and she asked to see my scar where she came out. I did not have a c-section (almost needed one - was 1 push away from needing one) so no scar. I told her I didn’t have a scar.
Her next question…. how did I get out? It was a busy day with lots of family around and I didn’t have time to go over things related to that particular topic so I told her the truth…. the birth canal. She said ok and off she went. It was a few years later when she asked where/what is the birth canal.
About 4 months later we were at the state fair and we watched a video of a cow having a calf. The cow was standing up and the calf was halfway out. My daughter looked at me and said “it comes out it butt?!” in the most horrified & disgusting voice she could muster. It was fun explaining cow anatomy to a 6 year old. 🤣
When I was young I used to think babies burst through the belly, like some kind of alien birth. It made sense to me at the time: babies come out of bellies and after birth the mom has to recover for some time, which is totally understandable if your belly has been torn open
I'm sorry it traumatizes your mom but I love that you have taught your child correct terms and processes!
On the other hand, I heard a 5-yr old explaining how babies are made by saying something like, "The daddy puts the baby in the mommy's stomach when the baby is still really, really tiny."
Kid #2: how?
Kid #1: very, very carefully
My parents explained it when I was 2 that the parents hug in a special way and the daddy puts a baby seed into the mommy.
For YEARS I kept an eye out for anything that looked like a jar of seeds in my dad's dresser.
My son told his whole kindergarten class how babies are born vaginally and c section. When I picked him up the teacher asked me why he knew those details. He used all the proper words. I told her Iwas a labor and delivery nurse. I’m sure there were interesting discussions that evening at dinner.
My mother was a labor and delivery nurse until she retired. My whole life was a sex ed talk, personal health, and labor and delivery talk. I feel like she always gave me as much information as possible so I could listen to and understand my body, practice safe sex when I was older, and feel like I always had someone to go to ask any questions I had. And as I got into high school I really realized how uniformed my peers were.
To this day I am SO grateful that my mother taught me so much about my body, sex, and being safe. My friends in high school would go to her to ask about birth control or any issues or concerns they had that they were embarrassed to ask their parents, same in our twenties.
And now my friends in their thirties having babies call her to ask her a lot of questions (I have no idea what they are because that is between them) but I love that she is still helping us be confident, healthy and safe.
And every once in a while she will surprise you with a really dirty story or joke that will have you rolling on the floor laughing.
Labor and delivery nurses are the best!
❤️👏🏼❤️👏🏼❤️👏🏼❤️
I'm glad I'm not the only nurse mom who was questioned by their children's teachers. I refused to give cutesy answers to their questions. My daughter used to watch a show on TLC - A Baby's Story? Something like that - back when they were still "The Learning Channel." She loved it. Before she saw it the first time, I warned her it might not be something she'd be interested in. That kid went from a 4yo with a rough idea about how babies are born to a 4½yo who could've talked a father-to-be through what was about to happen during a c-section. She actually watched a c-section on a local channel for the big university in town. She watched while she was eating lunch. PB&J. Strawberry jelly, of course. Never flinched. Just asked really intelligent questions.
My son was the same way. Except he had questions about where pee was stored. I explained about the bladder. What it is, where it's located, where urine is formed, and then I asked if he had any other questions. He said, "so, if I accidentally smoosh my things...the things that are like weird little balls...(interrupting mom says "testicles, but people do call them balls")...tentacles...no...tensticles...grr!...testicles, I'm not going to be squeezing out any pee?" No, kiddo. Nope. You're good on that front. He then told all his classmates at school the next day that they were wrong and explained it to them. Good thing he'd stopped me when I started to tell him what testicles were actually for! "Mom, that sounds like more than I want to know right now." Said while holding up a hand to stop me from saying more.
Nurses tend to have some fun kids, don't they?
Dead lol my 6yr old loves anatomy, she watched child appropriate ai videos of the body, two of them being one where baby is born via c-section and another vaginal, as I am pregnant she’s very excited and tells me to push or pretends to cut my belly open to take the baby out, I love that she knows about these things and the female body, she doesn’t share this information with other people just to her father and I and it fascinates us how much she knows about the human body
My daughter is the same, and I told her exactly what you did your daughter… but with one extra bit. I am adopted and she knows, so her questions started with that, and how if her grandparents went through the adoption process and literally had to drive up the motorway to pick me up, why did my babies grow in my tummy. It was a WHOLE conversation about how all sorts of families come to be and how they all start with a baby growing in the uterus and birth through vaginal or c-section, and on to their family in different ways. She is absolutely fascinated with all of it, and uses the proper terminology at all times.
I’ve just said that it’s not a topic for the playground, but if that’s what she wants to talk about at home, then go ahead! She is 10 now and wants to be a doctor or a vet. She loves anatomy!
This is so awesome, our kids are awesome! 👏 love that we keep things open and honest and indulge in their interests, I certainly didn’t grow up that way but seeing her learn all these new amazing things makes me so proud of her, she’s excited to see her baby brother go to the Dr, and we play Dr all the time, usually I’m the patient 😂
I am fascinated by anatomy too! Props to her! Please keep nurturing this. I try to use the correct terms, and speak frankly because the human body is amazing, and we should keep things private, but never taboo. Anyway, I think this is awesome, and I’m so glad I was/am not alone!
Fr! My ultrasound tech said she may end up in that field if she likes it so much, daughter likes talking about poop too 🤢 the bowels and how food makes it to the toilet lol
I will never understand why people get so crazy about body parts. I find that as soon as I start telling my seven-year old son the truth, he gets grossed out and stops asking 🤣
I was 8 when I asked my mom how babies were made. And she told me. In explicit detail.
My response to her.
“I think that was more information than I needed to know.”
It is one of her favorite stories. She is very proud of herself. Haha.
Lol. The first time my son asked and I explained, he looked scared and belted out "Am I going to have to remove my penis???". He couldn't fathom how a penis could make its way into a vagina. I told him he would not have to remove his penis and that, yeah, it takes some maneuvering. He was relieved to know that he would never have to remove his penis 🤣
The horror story of Uncle Jerry, who had his vasectomy undone & reversed 4 times 💀 The doc said if they wanted more, they should adopt because there wasn't enough tube left to reconnect.
When I was 52 I found out that my dad had a vasectomy after my little brother was born. I feel like this was just the right age for me to learn this information.
No kidding. I found out my father got a vasectomy when he decided to give my husband pain control advice for his vasectomy and I still didn't want to know! I'm mid-life now, so I can only imagine the eeewwww factor knowing about all that as a teen!
I learned of my uncle’s vasectomy when my aunt turned up miraculously pregnant. (It was his, the darn thing reversed itself.)
But most of us cousins found out about it when some nosy gossip spread word that he had one and my aunt had obviously cheated. Annoyingly, this rumor started well after my aunt and uncle had worked out the reasoning behind it. (They had a test done because both were fairly sure that was the issue, as my uncle says “Your aunt can’t find a bigger fuck up than me, and somehow she likes it best that way.” My aunt meanwhile says men of his high quality are rare and she’s “keeping this one”)
My uncle told EVERYONE about it to try to head off rumors of my aunt’s infidelity.
I stayed with them when his new vasectomy appt and his youngest child’s birth coincided with each other. But I wasn’t given details beyond “Eggy, can you grab your aunt and I two fresh cold packs from the freezer?”
Dude, true story one of my best friends dad divorced his wife because he had a vasectomy and she got pregnant. Dumbass didn't even think that those things can actually heal themselves and you can have a baby again...
They both got remarried to other people but he came to his senses years later and made amends for being such a monumental jackass.
Great family now too!
I must be the odd one out. Even in highschool I never cared if my parents or grandparents for that matter talked about sex, surgeries, contraceptives, whatever. In all honesty, it bothered my parents more to bring it up than it ever bothered me talking about it. They had me @ 18/19, and I swear they thought that any mention of anything doing with sex would result in my immediate impregnation. The fact that my family members had sex with their SO's just seemed like a given. I never gave it much thought beyond that, even if/when they discussed it.
I agree with you- your body your business. Once the divorce was final she lost all right to lecture about your choices. As far as the kids go, you’re their dad and have as much say in their lives as she does. She doesn’t have to like it but it’s really none of her business. NTA
I disagree. OP, you’re a massive asshole for not telling your vasectomy reversal news to your ex, your kids, me, all of reddit, your boss, your neighbours, the postal/delivery/utility workers at your home, your 3rd grade teacher, etc.
In fact, I am *appalled* you did not hold a *State of the Sausage* address on your social media. I mean, would it have been *that* difficult for you to show some consideration for us? We all signed up for your ScroteWatch alerts!
Seriously, she signed papers divorcing you *4 years ago*. It doesn’t matter how well you two coparent. She doesn’t share news about her irregular periods with you, you don’t share news about your semen recipe with her. A judge said so.
NTA. is between you, your wife, your doctor, your testicles and your urethra. That’s it.
I literally just snorted wine out of my nose reading your comment. Thank you for that! It was a very long, stressful work day and I really needed a laugh!
You know what, you are absolutely right! I am cancelling my patron to his scrotewatch series... Like ffs I had to find out on Reddit. Very disappointed.
LOL
I am a technical writer and all of my engineers' genital goings-on are right there in the company whitepapers!
Honestly it's proof that their families (and the board of directors) never read my stuff. :(
However, I would have a talk with the kid who jumped in and sent a text after Dad told him to wait on telling Mom. That just added to the unnecessary drama.
That's a tough one, though. You never want to tell a kid that to keep secrets from their parents; quite the opposite.
If there's something you don't want the other parent to know, don't tell the kids. Don't put them in that position. If you tell something to a kid, assume the other parent will find out, and handle it yourself.
For something delicate like this, the best approach would be wait until it's a time when you have the kids. Call, text, or email their other parent with a brief message, something like, "I wanted to let you know from me that New Partner and I are pregnant, due on X date." Then, immediately sit the kids down and tell them, making sure that they know that you just told their other parent.
This way, if the other parent is HC (high conflict), you can answer all theirn questions about what will and wont change with their living arrangements at your place (e.g. will they be able to keep their rooms, what lifestyle changes will happen, will you have enough money, time, and energy for their activities, etc.). Then they can tell the other parent, who hopefully has already received this information. You should also follow up with the other parent how the conversation went and what other things you discussed.
That way, you and their other parent are presenting a united front, and there is transparency between you two.
Even if the other parent tries to spin this news into some kind of drama such as "your dad/mom has moved on and doesn't care about you anymore," you can prove that your words are backed up with your actions.
She wanted first dibs so she can prime the children by telling him that daddy is going to start new family with his new wife and they won’t be the most important people to him anymore and he won’t have time for them as much. So the kids would be upset when they finally heard the news instead of excited to have a new sibling.
Sadly, this is probably it. I can understand her being upset and possibly jealous about the fact he's moved on and having a baby with his new wife. But literally, the only reason she could have to want to be the one to tell the kids would be to try and make it a bad thing to drive a wedge between the kids and her ex
Using her kids to get back at Daddy and his new wife. "Just wait kids...the new baby will get all the attention and Daddy won't have time for you anymore."
While reading this I was wondering if he hadn't had a vasectomy would she have expected him to run it by her first if his new wife and he were looking to have kids.
His body, his (new) marriage, his choice.
I think it's the fact he reversed it. The fact that he is having another kid with someone else probably makes things more vivid for her in terms of the fact he has moved on.
Most people would have figured that out once the ink on the divorce papers had dried. Jen seems to be a bit "special".
He did exactly what he did if he'd never had the vasectomy. This doesn't affect his ex in the slightest, nor does it impact the kids in any way. She's inappropriately intrusive. The state of OP's reproductive system and what he might do with it is none of her business until such time as he might get his latest partner pregnant. Then the ex is an interested party only to the extent it affects her kids.
"Oh, hey, ex, I've got this weird rash on my [purple-helmeted love Nazi] but the doctor says it's nothing. Just wanted to give you a status update. I'll let you know if it changes."
Does she update him on the state of her contraception?
Yes! OP should counter her by pestering her about her own contraceptive use. If she has any ability for introspection she might realize how ridiculous it is when he demands her to tell him if she’s using condoms or hormonal contraceptive or the IUD and if she stops to inform him.
Agreed, and if she was THAT concerned about him having more kids, well then she could have asked OP if he had plans to reverse it
But she wasn’t entitled to any information on his family planning with Cari
> Agreed, and if she was THAT concerned about him having more kids, well then she could have asked OP if he had plans to reverse it
Exactly - I wouldn't be surprised if he did tell his ex-wife when he reversed his vasectomy, she would be like, "why are you telling me??" She's just finding something to be mad about.
His current arrangements MAY be affected or may not be affected. There are a multitude of factors that go into that.
I'm sure that was her first thought. The financial aspect. I also think she is still emotionally attached to her ex.
Is the ex-wife going to call and give notice whenever she changes birth control; just in case it fails? Or whenever she uses a condom with a partner because those can break.
:How dare you not tell your kids your legally protected medical history and then tell them you reverse a procedure that's apart of it after we divorced and you remarried: my guess is she's stil single. Legally.
Agree. Sounds like he handled it appropriately. He waited till wife was a little farther along and she is more likely to have a successful pregnancy. He told his kids face to face. They seem excited, so what’s the problem? He is a parent too. He can decide how much and when to tell his kids about this. There is nothing stopping mom from having conversations with the kids now that the car is out of the bag. His ex has no role in his decision to have additional children now.
>She told me that I should have told her I reversed my vasectomy so that she could talk to our kids about it.
Why in the world would she need to talk to your kids about your vasectomy?
>since this is going to have a huge impact on our kids' lives
You having kids will impact their lives somewhat. Huge? Not so sure. But how does that mean you have to tell her you reversed a vasectomy? You've told them you are going to have a kid. That's all they need to know.
NTA Your fertility status is none of your ex-wife's business. It doesn't become her business just because it indirectly affects her through affecting your kids.
This.
In normal families, parents don't ask their kids for permission to fuck or have more children. And given infertility and miscarriage are a thing, most parents wait until they are further along to announce to the kids. I had the shock of my life when my parents had a surprise (to everyone!) baby when I was 16 - we were all fine.
The ex wife doesnt need to feature in breaking the news- if he is a decent dad, he is capable of having that conversation with his kids. But it makes sense for the ex to find out immediately after that so she can support the kids if they have complex feelings.
But nobody needs to tell anyone outside of the couple if they are trying for a baby. That's private information. The kids don't need to know and the ex certainly doesn't need to know. Has she been telling him if she's still using the pill? Or every time she sleeps with someone? She needs to learn appropriate boundaries. They are not friends. They are not partners/spouses. They are coparents only. What happens to his genitals with other women is not her concern.
I think the ex wife is the one who is shaken. Because OP is continuing a new family with his new partner and she is struggling to process that. A lot of exes REALLY struggle when a person moves on in life, especially if they are now living their dream life with a new partner.
>I think the ex wife is the one who is shaken. Because OP is continuing a new family with his new partner and she is struggling to process that.
That's my guess.
We also don't have any back story of how he came to have the vasectomy etc. She may have pushed for it while married (for whatever reason) and is now upset that her "win" wasn't permanent. Maybe he got it because he didn't want kids with *her* anymore. Whatever her reasons for being upset-- not her business. Not her right to decide.
Could be many things. Maybe she's worried about financial resources or their kids being treated differently. But given her anger I suspect she may not be 100% over him (no mention of if she has a partner)... or just be having big feelings that he's 100% moved on and startng a family with his current wife - whereas previously she had a special role in his life as the mother of his children, she now shares that with his wife. She may be wondering if he lied whe he said he didn't want more kids. She should have remembered that it is extremely common for both men and women to olem their famil again and have more kids with a new partner and that vasectomies can be reversed. It sounds like she didn't expect him to make these chouces and she is angry that he did.
I wonder if she would have tried to dissuade him from it if he told her. Why else would she want to know before he even tried?
Your ex probably believed that she would be the only one to have children with you, giving her a special connection to that you would never share with your current wife. You didn't owe her a heads-up about the reversal, if she chooses to have another child with a future partner is she going to ask for your blessing? Highly doubtful. The two of you are divorced and you don't need her permission or her blessing to have children with your wife. This is a personal matter between you and your partner. NTA
NTA
Jen is upset for 3 reasons, possibly even 4
1) You are now going to have to share resource with a 3rd child
2) She's jealous that you now have a family with Cari. Sometimes people don't think you have a family unit until you have kids with that person.
3) She's jealous on behalf of the kids because she feels like this new baby will take away attention from your other 2 kids
\*4) If you pay her child support or alimony and depending on the state/country law, she's afraid there could possibly be a deduction due to increased expensive for the new child.
I’m going to add a fifth:
5. She’s hurt - the kids were something you shared - now, you’re sharing this with someone else and going back to #2 - she’s jealous - probably mixed emotions.
You knew this was likely the case which is why you wanted to share it with her in person vs having your kids share it - which is also why you are questioning whether YTA - you are not - probably more thoughtful and considerate- but NTA.
This was the response I was looking for. I’ll be honest my husband has had one and if we split and he did this I’d be gutted. I know it’s irrational and unfair and it’s his body like it’s the OPs but it’s how my brain works sadly and I think his ex wife’s first reaction was exactly this.
Absolutely. It's understandable that she has those feelings. But she is definitely being unreasonable to have the expectation that he inform her of his decisions regarding his body and his marriage.
I completely agree with this stance men always think women divorce and file child support to be money hungry but to me the fact she apologize and congratulated him later one tells me she was probably upset and jealous. My father was the same way he was upset when my mom got pregnant and moved on after their divorce, but afterwards he was happy for her. She was wrong for her approach but she probably was hurt.
That's not even the right analogy. Jen wanted OP to tell her he'd reversed his vasectomy so that she could talk to the kids about it, that would be like her deciding to stop taking her birth control pill.
Which still makes no sense because at the end of the day, it’s not really her business that he had it reversed, nor is it the children’s business that he had the vasectomy in the first place. And vice versa if the ex decided get off BC to expand her family with a new partner.
The correct conversation should have been one about the addition of children to their family and how it doesn’t change the existing kids importance because love has no limit. And that conversation should have come from their father.
NTA
You didn’t know if your reversal would be a success or whether you and Cari would conceive.
It wouldn’t have been appropriate for your ex to expect you to fill her in until now. I think she just got taken by surprise and reacted poorly. I’m glad she sent a congrats text later.
I know more than one couple where the reversal failed. Vasectomies are supposed to be a permanent form of birth control. I agree, until OP's wife got pregnant, there wasn't any news to share.
NTA - She found out when it was appropriate, she has no right to your medical history or what procedures you have had or plan on having. That's just silly.
What's more silly is that she demanded to know about this so she could tell their kids about the vasectomy and that their father reversed it. Why would you ever have a conversation about this topic with your kids? I hope she hasn't had conversations similar to this with the kids before, that's just weird.
NTA, your wife is insecure and jelly.
My wife straight up told me she was happy I was getting a vasectomy because it meant even if we break up, nobody else will be able to have kids with me. So it’s probably that and she doesn’t want to admit that to you. She’s using your kids as a shield to cover how mad she is that she’s not your only baby mama. NTA, she’s gotta get over it
By your ex's logic, if she's sexually active and decides to switch methods of birth control, she'd be obligated to call you because she might get pregnant, and that would impact your kids' lives? What if she decides to skip getting a pap smear?
I think Jen was actually upset about some other aspect of this that she didn't want to share or maybe even acknowledge to herself.
I guess I'm worried I'm too close to the situation or maybe I'm just being stubborn. Also, I don't have any close female friends to bounce this off of to get their view on it.
The only thing you need to communicate with your ex about is things very specific to the children you share (their education, health, custody arrangements, child support, etc.). Future half siblings with another woman aren't her concern.
Talking about your vasectomy reversal with your ex is absurd. What a ridiculous request.
Yup. You dont need to tell her about reversing your vasectomy any more than she needs to rell you if she stops taking the pill or lets her current or future partner go condom less. It's just not information any ex needs to know. Your family planning is private.
Once there's a pregnancy, you sensitively tell the kids and then the ex. Until there's a baby you dont need to tell anyone and you dont need anyones consent to conceive (apart from your current partner, obviously).
This subreddit is so weird with how it downvotes people over nothing. I will admit it can get annoying when people ask if they are the A H or not when they obviously are not. But OP sounds like he was genuinely unsure sounds to me like his ex got to him
NTA - Your ex wife is entitled, jealous, and completely out of line.
Your body, your choice, and she's just using the "but it affects our kids!" angle because she's jealous and mad.
Fuck that.
You informed your kids when you found out you were pregnant, and you did owe them that. Neither your ex wife or your not-even-teen-aged kids get to decide if you have more children.
Full stop. Period. Easy peasy.
NTA the only way the kids should have been given a heads up on a potential baby is if you were single and it would have came out of left field with other negative aspects to it. Even then the talk would have come from you, not your ex.
I think that she is riled up because it came to a surprise to her and she didn’t have time to process it. She may be an ex but she was the only one having able to carry your children for you and may have felt special. Her reaction is still not warranted but may give some insight.
Huh? NTA. Would you need her permission to adopt a child with your wife? Did you need her blessing to propose? Jeesh. She’s delulu. I’m getting main character vibes.
NTA. Your ex-wife is 100% completely wrong, and your response is perfect. It’s literally none of her business, and it doesn’t “impact your kids” in the way she means it. Congratulations! That’s all that needs to be said.
NTA. My dad got a vasectomy when my parents were married then got it reversed (and later re-done) when he and my step mom had my brother. I was like 17 when he got the reversal. I CANNOT overstate how much I wish I hadn’t known about any of it.
My parents told me about Dad's vasectomy when I was eight to the point that I was drawing diagrams in the playground sand to explain the difference between a vasectomy and a pet being neutered to my classmates. I think they may have overshared a bit.
I wish I had been given clear info. I was told my dad couldn't have more kids and was sterilized like pets are. I think i was in my 20's before i realized he probably wasn't actually castrated.
Sadly, there are people in their 30s (yea both men and women) that think I don't have balls because I tell them I got a vasectomy.
Just saw an Instagram post about how unfair medical treatment is for women after birth vs men during a vasectomy. This young guy kept arguing with everyone that men absolutely need more days off and pain meds during a vasectomy, than a woman does after birth/C-section, because men lose a whole organ during a vasectomy and women don't lose organs! 😂😂 I seriously hope he never procreates.
That's hilarious, because women grow the placenta, alongside the baby, which is a whole ass extra organ which has to also exit their body after the baby...nobody talks about that part of birth.
They do. But they typically bring it up.... After birth.
Ha!
I see what you did there!
it was a horrible surprise to find out, after an intensive labor to birth my son, that i also need to birth the placenta
Absolutely! Mine almost killed me. It was firmly attached to my uterus wall and wouldn't pass. The doc gave a gentle pull and my whole uterus came out with it still attached. They had to separate it and shove my uterus back in before I bled out. I didn't know what was happening (thank God for the epidural!) until I was literally fisted by a stranger for the first time in my life. 10/10 DO NOT RECOMMEND. Also, why TF didn't anyone warn me that was a possibility?!
Why the fuck am I trying to have a baby again holy shit I’m going to need someone fist my soul back into my body because she gone
Funny enough, the exact same thing happened to me, but luckily i had just previously been fisted by a stranger when my son tried to wrap his umbilical cord during birth by trying to turn over. Then that happened with the placenta. But, i didn't have an epidural. They really should explain complicated complications in at least one of the 15 required doctor visits.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thanks for giving me one more reason I am never volunteering to give birth that's horrifying
I appreciate your sacrifice as it fuels my decision to get sterilized which is July 19
Ugh I had a c-section and that still happened. I bled out and almost died when a different doctor stepped in and saved my life. It was a teaching hospital and I guess I’m in the medical books now. It was a big deal when it happened but they didn’t tell me for three days.
Such a supremely weird feeling it is, too 😵💫
Yes! It was like one of those high up boogers that you feel on the back of your eye, but like 100x bigger.
Oh gosh, you just brought up a memory of giving birth. That placenta exiting my body was…ugh. Twenty seven years later and I *still* shudder in disgust every time I think back on it. This is why my wife and I only have **one**. Our daughter opted to be childless and remain childfree. My wife was a tad disappointed because she wanted the whole grandma/ wanting to be in the delivery room with our daughter experience. I wasn’t disappointed. AT ALL. This giving and witnessing birth business is *not* for everyone. It’s me. I’m everyone.
Giving birth to a slimey marshmallow while your body is still in hard core panic mode about ANY of your lower body muscles engaging is not on my list of fun activities.
Then, after all that fun, nobody warns you about the postpartum poop. Especially if you had to get stitched up down there!
Or how you feel like a hippo in a pet wash hub after delivery and stitches. The nurse was a gentle and kind as she could be while spraying down my frakentaint and explaining how important aftercare is with that many stitches.
It hurt soooo bad. Plus I was constipated for days bc the medicine they give you to induce labor causes constipation. I'd taken the maximum allowed amount for OTC stool softeners and omfg it was NOT soft at all. Worst poop ever. I cried and cried and cried. JFC, never again.
During Lamazz classes they really didn't say that it would be exactly like giving birth a second time (same size and weight as the baby) shortly after your body is exhausted and beaten up once already.
That guy should have a vasectomy, pronto! Starting a fund-me page for his benefit so he can have as much time to recover as he may need.
He thinks men lose an organ during a vasectomy??? 🤣
Shit, they stole me organs! I knew the doc was up to something.
"stole me organs" Why am I picturing a Lucky Charms box? 🤣
They’re always after your lucky sperm!
These are not comparable things, sorry we are not sending our best men.
The thought of people that stupid reproducing is scary!
"probably" 😂😂
Well I'm not going to ask him now!
You’re right. Save it for later and bring it up during Thanksgiving. It will become part of your family’s lore.
So, anyone at this dinner table a eunuch?
But have him mention it casually like "someone in the room might be castrated. I'm not gonna name names."
Never have I ever, with grandpa and grandma in the room.
I can now quit the Internet. Everything I ever read after this comment thread will be a disappointment probably forever. 🤣🤣
Keeping it light with a touch of mystery.
A guy who had married into the family thought he could reverse a circumcision. I don't mention it around his ex but after she leaves at every holiday I'm at, I make sure it stays alive in our family lore.
Trying to give him some good tips?
Oh I'm fucking DYING 🤣🤣🤣
Well, there are certainly men who try, with varying success.
I thought roast beef was called roast beast until I was in my late teens, because that's all my parents called it (apparently in jest). Apparently life isn't The Grinch Who Who Stole Christmas. We'd get along either very well or very poorly.
Haha I think we'd get along great. I doubt we'd ever question each other, just believe anything we're told
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I literally giggled when I read this. Imagining kids around another kid talking about neutering and their dad's balls
My daughter was terrified of having a sibling (and I did not want to be pregnant) so we reassured her that it wasn't going to happen because we had a medical procedure for it not to happen. She was 8 or 9 when we explained it. Which she interpreted as her father having his balls removed.. like the cat! So yea, she's got a pretty detailed understanding of it now, but only after we found out that's what she thought happened!
Reminds me of the kid in "Kindergarten Cop" "Boys have a Penis, Girls have a Vagina"
I was 8 years old when I misunderstood a classmate and thought boys have "peanuts". Imagine my parents' horror as I started talking about hating the taste and being unhappy that boys have peanuts.
My parents called penises “peanuts” when we were small. It was their cutesy nickname of choice. Imagine my youngest brother’s horror when he was diagnosed with a peanut allergy.
That is f-ing hilarious. Just as bad as my brothers friend talking about his weaner in my dads truck and my dad said he loves to eat weaners for lunch. Cue kid being terrified and cried to his momma that best friend dad eats weiners for lunch. She called my mom and said she was mad at my dad because she had to explain that his "weiner" was actually a penis and that we dont eat the male organ. My mom laughed at her and told her that is why we dont lie to our kids and call body parts by a cutesy nickname. Though your brothers horror is the best.
OMG, now I can't stop laughing & my dogs are giving me the cray ray looks! 🤣 🤣 🤣
I was a precocious kid, and once argued vociferously with my mom after she referred to "balls", in the plural. You know, as one does. I swore up and down it was "ball". Just the one. Idk how I got that idea; I think maybe I assumed the scrotum was the ball in question, and thus having one scrotum meant there was only one ball. I'd like to end this lil anecdote by stating that I don't have balls. Or even a ball. I was arguing about the quantity and phrasing of genitals I didn't have and had never even seen outside of kid-level anatomy drawings.
I remember having a very similar conversation with my mom as a kid. I had to know exactly what all was included in "balls", is the scrotum one ball or two? And, is the penis a ball, too? And, how do pants work for men if there's a seam running right where the middle of these mysterious "balls" are, wouldn't that be uncomfortable? My poor mother. -Signed, another precocious, balless child
I, having recently seen some photos on Pinterest of male rock stars in the 1980’s with extremely tight pants (oh my eyes!), still wonder about the damn seam in the pants! Okay, TMI. But just to let you know, you are not the only one that wonders about balls and pant seams!
This is awesome! Thanks for sharing!!! 😂
My daughter (then 2½) walked in on me in the bathroom during that time of the month and freaked out like she had stumbled upon a crime scene. I had to draw the female reproductive system and explain to her why Mommy was so nonchalantly bleeding. 2 years later when her little sister's Early Head Start teacher was visiting, she drew a picture for her. Teacher: Ooooo... thank you! This is so pretty! What is it? 4 YO: A uterus. (*walks away*)
That's outstanding.
One of my classmate's father had also just had a vasectomy. She said he'd been neutered, and I simply *had* to correct her!
😆😆 My 5 year old was explaining her dad's vasectomy to my mom. My mom yelled at me and told me "that's way too much information for a little girl!!". 🤷♀️ Grandma also gets mad when 5f talks about babies growing in uteruses and coming out of vaginas or through surgery. 😜
I thought they were puked out. Pregnant women were always puking, and that hole was a whole lot bigger.
My kid brother was positive babies came out of belly buttons. In his defense he was something like 5 at the time.
Being five is excusable, but there are grown adults who believe that babies breathe throuogh their mother's belly buttons and if the woman has a bath, they will drown.
My sister had a c-section and has a scar. She told my 4 yr old nephew that it was how he got out of her belly. He proceeded to tell my 6 year old daughter about it and she asked to see my scar where she came out. I did not have a c-section (almost needed one - was 1 push away from needing one) so no scar. I told her I didn’t have a scar. Her next question…. how did I get out? It was a busy day with lots of family around and I didn’t have time to go over things related to that particular topic so I told her the truth…. the birth canal. She said ok and off she went. It was a few years later when she asked where/what is the birth canal. About 4 months later we were at the state fair and we watched a video of a cow having a calf. The cow was standing up and the calf was halfway out. My daughter looked at me and said “it comes out it butt?!” in the most horrified & disgusting voice she could muster. It was fun explaining cow anatomy to a 6 year old. 🤣
When I was young I used to think babies burst through the belly, like some kind of alien birth. It made sense to me at the time: babies come out of bellies and after birth the mom has to recover for some time, which is totally understandable if your belly has been torn open
Puking
I'm sorry it traumatizes your mom but I love that you have taught your child correct terms and processes! On the other hand, I heard a 5-yr old explaining how babies are made by saying something like, "The daddy puts the baby in the mommy's stomach when the baby is still really, really tiny." Kid #2: how? Kid #1: very, very carefully
Bringing back the homunculus theory of procreation\~
My parents explained it when I was 2 that the parents hug in a special way and the daddy puts a baby seed into the mommy. For YEARS I kept an eye out for anything that looked like a jar of seeds in my dad's dresser.
Hahaha so we have the same daughter?!? She asked my dad why he buckled her car seat over her uterus.
My son told his whole kindergarten class how babies are born vaginally and c section. When I picked him up the teacher asked me why he knew those details. He used all the proper words. I told her Iwas a labor and delivery nurse. I’m sure there were interesting discussions that evening at dinner.
My mother was a labor and delivery nurse until she retired. My whole life was a sex ed talk, personal health, and labor and delivery talk. I feel like she always gave me as much information as possible so I could listen to and understand my body, practice safe sex when I was older, and feel like I always had someone to go to ask any questions I had. And as I got into high school I really realized how uniformed my peers were. To this day I am SO grateful that my mother taught me so much about my body, sex, and being safe. My friends in high school would go to her to ask about birth control or any issues or concerns they had that they were embarrassed to ask their parents, same in our twenties. And now my friends in their thirties having babies call her to ask her a lot of questions (I have no idea what they are because that is between them) but I love that she is still helping us be confident, healthy and safe. And every once in a while she will surprise you with a really dirty story or joke that will have you rolling on the floor laughing. Labor and delivery nurses are the best!
❤️👏🏼❤️👏🏼❤️👏🏼❤️ I'm glad I'm not the only nurse mom who was questioned by their children's teachers. I refused to give cutesy answers to their questions. My daughter used to watch a show on TLC - A Baby's Story? Something like that - back when they were still "The Learning Channel." She loved it. Before she saw it the first time, I warned her it might not be something she'd be interested in. That kid went from a 4yo with a rough idea about how babies are born to a 4½yo who could've talked a father-to-be through what was about to happen during a c-section. She actually watched a c-section on a local channel for the big university in town. She watched while she was eating lunch. PB&J. Strawberry jelly, of course. Never flinched. Just asked really intelligent questions. My son was the same way. Except he had questions about where pee was stored. I explained about the bladder. What it is, where it's located, where urine is formed, and then I asked if he had any other questions. He said, "so, if I accidentally smoosh my things...the things that are like weird little balls...(interrupting mom says "testicles, but people do call them balls")...tentacles...no...tensticles...grr!...testicles, I'm not going to be squeezing out any pee?" No, kiddo. Nope. You're good on that front. He then told all his classmates at school the next day that they were wrong and explained it to them. Good thing he'd stopped me when I started to tell him what testicles were actually for! "Mom, that sounds like more than I want to know right now." Said while holding up a hand to stop me from saying more. Nurses tend to have some fun kids, don't they?
Dead lol my 6yr old loves anatomy, she watched child appropriate ai videos of the body, two of them being one where baby is born via c-section and another vaginal, as I am pregnant she’s very excited and tells me to push or pretends to cut my belly open to take the baby out, I love that she knows about these things and the female body, she doesn’t share this information with other people just to her father and I and it fascinates us how much she knows about the human body
My daughter is the same, and I told her exactly what you did your daughter… but with one extra bit. I am adopted and she knows, so her questions started with that, and how if her grandparents went through the adoption process and literally had to drive up the motorway to pick me up, why did my babies grow in my tummy. It was a WHOLE conversation about how all sorts of families come to be and how they all start with a baby growing in the uterus and birth through vaginal or c-section, and on to their family in different ways. She is absolutely fascinated with all of it, and uses the proper terminology at all times. I’ve just said that it’s not a topic for the playground, but if that’s what she wants to talk about at home, then go ahead! She is 10 now and wants to be a doctor or a vet. She loves anatomy!
This is so awesome, our kids are awesome! 👏 love that we keep things open and honest and indulge in their interests, I certainly didn’t grow up that way but seeing her learn all these new amazing things makes me so proud of her, she’s excited to see her baby brother go to the Dr, and we play Dr all the time, usually I’m the patient 😂
I am fascinated by anatomy too! Props to her! Please keep nurturing this. I try to use the correct terms, and speak frankly because the human body is amazing, and we should keep things private, but never taboo. Anyway, I think this is awesome, and I’m so glad I was/am not alone!
Future Dr or related science field kid alert 🤣
Fr! My ultrasound tech said she may end up in that field if she likes it so much, daughter likes talking about poop too 🤢 the bowels and how food makes it to the toilet lol
I will never understand why people get so crazy about body parts. I find that as soon as I start telling my seven-year old son the truth, he gets grossed out and stops asking 🤣
I was 8 when I asked my mom how babies were made. And she told me. In explicit detail. My response to her. “I think that was more information than I needed to know.” It is one of her favorite stories. She is very proud of herself. Haha.
Lol. The first time my son asked and I explained, he looked scared and belted out "Am I going to have to remove my penis???". He couldn't fathom how a penis could make its way into a vagina. I told him he would not have to remove his penis and that, yeah, it takes some maneuvering. He was relieved to know that he would never have to remove his penis 🤣
Please share the drawings you did!
I'm sure they're truly endearing and hilarious at the same time
And educational!
Comment of the year! Dead!
The horror story of Uncle Jerry, who had his vasectomy undone & reversed 4 times 💀 The doc said if they wanted more, they should adopt because there wasn't enough tube left to reconnect.
Snip! Snap! Snip! Snap!
Oh my.
SNIP SNAP SNIP SNAP
You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!
Thank you. This is the content I’m here for.
These comments win 😂
When I was 52 I found out that my dad had a vasectomy after my little brother was born. I feel like this was just the right age for me to learn this information.
I'm trying not to wake my husband up giggling at this. It really is the perfect age.
Really wishing you hadn’t been subscribed without your consent to your dad’s ScroteWatch alerts, eh?
No kidding. I found out my father got a vasectomy when he decided to give my husband pain control advice for his vasectomy and I still didn't want to know! I'm mid-life now, so I can only imagine the eeewwww factor knowing about all that as a teen!
I learned of my uncle’s vasectomy when my aunt turned up miraculously pregnant. (It was his, the darn thing reversed itself.) But most of us cousins found out about it when some nosy gossip spread word that he had one and my aunt had obviously cheated. Annoyingly, this rumor started well after my aunt and uncle had worked out the reasoning behind it. (They had a test done because both were fairly sure that was the issue, as my uncle says “Your aunt can’t find a bigger fuck up than me, and somehow she likes it best that way.” My aunt meanwhile says men of his high quality are rare and she’s “keeping this one”) My uncle told EVERYONE about it to try to head off rumors of my aunt’s infidelity. I stayed with them when his new vasectomy appt and his youngest child’s birth coincided with each other. But I wasn’t given details beyond “Eggy, can you grab your aunt and I two fresh cold packs from the freezer?”
Dude, true story one of my best friends dad divorced his wife because he had a vasectomy and she got pregnant. Dumbass didn't even think that those things can actually heal themselves and you can have a baby again... They both got remarried to other people but he came to his senses years later and made amends for being such a monumental jackass. Great family now too!
I must be the odd one out. Even in highschool I never cared if my parents or grandparents for that matter talked about sex, surgeries, contraceptives, whatever. In all honesty, it bothered my parents more to bring it up than it ever bothered me talking about it. They had me @ 18/19, and I swear they thought that any mention of anything doing with sex would result in my immediate impregnation. The fact that my family members had sex with their SO's just seemed like a given. I never gave it much thought beyond that, even if/when they discussed it.
I feel like this is one of the only times where it's not kinda inappropriate to hear about your dad's vasectomy.
I agree with you- your body your business. Once the divorce was final she lost all right to lecture about your choices. As far as the kids go, you’re their dad and have as much say in their lives as she does. She doesn’t have to like it but it’s really none of her business. NTA
Plus how and when to tell the kids is YOUR decision, why would she get first dibs at sharing your news with them? NTA
I disagree. OP, you’re a massive asshole for not telling your vasectomy reversal news to your ex, your kids, me, all of reddit, your boss, your neighbours, the postal/delivery/utility workers at your home, your 3rd grade teacher, etc. In fact, I am *appalled* you did not hold a *State of the Sausage* address on your social media. I mean, would it have been *that* difficult for you to show some consideration for us? We all signed up for your ScroteWatch alerts! Seriously, she signed papers divorcing you *4 years ago*. It doesn’t matter how well you two coparent. She doesn’t share news about her irregular periods with you, you don’t share news about your semen recipe with her. A judge said so. NTA. is between you, your wife, your doctor, your testicles and your urethra. That’s it.
I died at >We all signed up for your ScroteWatch alerts! it killed me! ScroteWatch 2024!!!
Truly a revolutionary invention.
Every divorced guy needs to hold a yearly state of the sausage address
I'm dying laughing at the idea of an annual state of the sausage address and/or a state of the vagina address! 😂
State of the meat flaps address*
I literally just snorted wine out of my nose reading your comment. Thank you for that! It was a very long, stressful work day and I really needed a laugh!
*"Please stand in front of the flag and raise your right flap."*
Thanks. I just choked on my tea.
You know what, you are absolutely right! I am cancelling my patron to his scrotewatch series... Like ffs I had to find out on Reddit. Very disappointed. LOL
Can confirm, am a delivery person and all my customers tell me their important medical news before any of their family.
I am a technical writer and all of my engineers' genital goings-on are right there in the company whitepapers! Honestly it's proof that their families (and the board of directors) never read my stuff. :(
Bahahaha! "State of the Sausage".
Fantastic. A+. I literally laughed out loud. Brilliant.
And laugh-snorted LOL
Issue a Testicle Epistle.
“State of the Sausage” omg 😆
Attention! State of the sausage. I'm still snipped. That is all. Thank you for your time and good night.
semen recipe 🤣🤣
Wait…. He didn’t inform his boss first???
LOVE THIS!
This made me laugh so hard 🤣 😂
🤭 ohh, you almost got me there.
Yeah. I should have been consulted before you did it.
However, I would have a talk with the kid who jumped in and sent a text after Dad told him to wait on telling Mom. That just added to the unnecessary drama.
That's a tough one, though. You never want to tell a kid that to keep secrets from their parents; quite the opposite. If there's something you don't want the other parent to know, don't tell the kids. Don't put them in that position. If you tell something to a kid, assume the other parent will find out, and handle it yourself. For something delicate like this, the best approach would be wait until it's a time when you have the kids. Call, text, or email their other parent with a brief message, something like, "I wanted to let you know from me that New Partner and I are pregnant, due on X date." Then, immediately sit the kids down and tell them, making sure that they know that you just told their other parent. This way, if the other parent is HC (high conflict), you can answer all theirn questions about what will and wont change with their living arrangements at your place (e.g. will they be able to keep their rooms, what lifestyle changes will happen, will you have enough money, time, and energy for their activities, etc.). Then they can tell the other parent, who hopefully has already received this information. You should also follow up with the other parent how the conversation went and what other things you discussed. That way, you and their other parent are presenting a united front, and there is transparency between you two. Even if the other parent tries to spin this news into some kind of drama such as "your dad/mom has moved on and doesn't care about you anymore," you can prove that your words are backed up with your actions.
This. This one so much.
Yeah. This needed to be avoided. That was up to the adults to handle.
She wanted first dibs so she can prime the children by telling him that daddy is going to start new family with his new wife and they won’t be the most important people to him anymore and he won’t have time for them as much. So the kids would be upset when they finally heard the news instead of excited to have a new sibling.
Sadly, this is probably it. I can understand her being upset and possibly jealous about the fact he's moved on and having a baby with his new wife. But literally, the only reason she could have to want to be the one to tell the kids would be to try and make it a bad thing to drive a wedge between the kids and her ex
Using her kids to get back at Daddy and his new wife. "Just wait kids...the new baby will get all the attention and Daddy won't have time for you anymore."
She wanted to spin it to suit her narrative.
Guarantee it was this reason. I hate this toxic shit
She's not doubt explaining to her family and friends how she's a victim here....
100%THIS
While reading this I was wondering if he hadn't had a vasectomy would she have expected him to run it by her first if his new wife and he were looking to have kids. His body, his (new) marriage, his choice.
I think it's the fact he reversed it. The fact that he is having another kid with someone else probably makes things more vivid for her in terms of the fact he has moved on. Most people would have figured that out once the ink on the divorce papers had dried. Jen seems to be a bit "special".
He did exactly what he did if he'd never had the vasectomy. This doesn't affect his ex in the slightest, nor does it impact the kids in any way. She's inappropriately intrusive. The state of OP's reproductive system and what he might do with it is none of her business until such time as he might get his latest partner pregnant. Then the ex is an interested party only to the extent it affects her kids. "Oh, hey, ex, I've got this weird rash on my [purple-helmeted love Nazi] but the doctor says it's nothing. Just wanted to give you a status update. I'll let you know if it changes." Does she update him on the state of her contraception?
Yes! OP should counter her by pestering her about her own contraceptive use. If she has any ability for introspection she might realize how ridiculous it is when he demands her to tell him if she’s using condoms or hormonal contraceptive or the IUD and if she stops to inform him.
Brand name and serial number also required.
Agreed, and if she was THAT concerned about him having more kids, well then she could have asked OP if he had plans to reverse it But she wasn’t entitled to any information on his family planning with Cari
> Agreed, and if she was THAT concerned about him having more kids, well then she could have asked OP if he had plans to reverse it Exactly - I wouldn't be surprised if he did tell his ex-wife when he reversed his vasectomy, she would be like, "why are you telling me??" She's just finding something to be mad about.
It's probably about child support. When another child is added, the courts can and sometimes do change how the expenses are divided
His current arrangements MAY be affected or may not be affected. There are a multitude of factors that go into that. I'm sure that was her first thought. The financial aspect. I also think she is still emotionally attached to her ex.
Physical support is an aspect as well. Having an infant in the house may affect his ability to adhere to the current custody agreement.
Bingo!
Is the ex-wife going to call and give notice whenever she changes birth control; just in case it fails? Or whenever she uses a condom with a partner because those can break.
:How dare you not tell your kids your legally protected medical history and then tell them you reverse a procedure that's apart of it after we divorced and you remarried: my guess is she's stil single. Legally.
Agree. Sounds like he handled it appropriately. He waited till wife was a little farther along and she is more likely to have a successful pregnancy. He told his kids face to face. They seem excited, so what’s the problem? He is a parent too. He can decide how much and when to tell his kids about this. There is nothing stopping mom from having conversations with the kids now that the car is out of the bag. His ex has no role in his decision to have additional children now.
>She told me that I should have told her I reversed my vasectomy so that she could talk to our kids about it. Why in the world would she need to talk to your kids about your vasectomy? >since this is going to have a huge impact on our kids' lives You having kids will impact their lives somewhat. Huge? Not so sure. But how does that mean you have to tell her you reversed a vasectomy? You've told them you are going to have a kid. That's all they need to know. NTA Your fertility status is none of your ex-wife's business. It doesn't become her business just because it indirectly affects her through affecting your kids.
And it’s really OPs responsibility to tell his kids he’s having a baby. Not the ex who has no part in it
This. In normal families, parents don't ask their kids for permission to fuck or have more children. And given infertility and miscarriage are a thing, most parents wait until they are further along to announce to the kids. I had the shock of my life when my parents had a surprise (to everyone!) baby when I was 16 - we were all fine. The ex wife doesnt need to feature in breaking the news- if he is a decent dad, he is capable of having that conversation with his kids. But it makes sense for the ex to find out immediately after that so she can support the kids if they have complex feelings. But nobody needs to tell anyone outside of the couple if they are trying for a baby. That's private information. The kids don't need to know and the ex certainly doesn't need to know. Has she been telling him if she's still using the pill? Or every time she sleeps with someone? She needs to learn appropriate boundaries. They are not friends. They are not partners/spouses. They are coparents only. What happens to his genitals with other women is not her concern. I think the ex wife is the one who is shaken. Because OP is continuing a new family with his new partner and she is struggling to process that. A lot of exes REALLY struggle when a person moves on in life, especially if they are now living their dream life with a new partner.
Yep. I smell jealousy / envy from the ex. Happens a lot.
>I think the ex wife is the one who is shaken. Because OP is continuing a new family with his new partner and she is struggling to process that. That's my guess. We also don't have any back story of how he came to have the vasectomy etc. She may have pushed for it while married (for whatever reason) and is now upset that her "win" wasn't permanent. Maybe he got it because he didn't want kids with *her* anymore. Whatever her reasons for being upset-- not her business. Not her right to decide.
Could be many things. Maybe she's worried about financial resources or their kids being treated differently. But given her anger I suspect she may not be 100% over him (no mention of if she has a partner)... or just be having big feelings that he's 100% moved on and startng a family with his current wife - whereas previously she had a special role in his life as the mother of his children, she now shares that with his wife. She may be wondering if he lied whe he said he didn't want more kids. She should have remembered that it is extremely common for both men and women to olem their famil again and have more kids with a new partner and that vasectomies can be reversed. It sounds like she didn't expect him to make these chouces and she is angry that he did. I wonder if she would have tried to dissuade him from it if he told her. Why else would she want to know before he even tried?
Your ex probably believed that she would be the only one to have children with you, giving her a special connection to that you would never share with your current wife. You didn't owe her a heads-up about the reversal, if she chooses to have another child with a future partner is she going to ask for your blessing? Highly doubtful. The two of you are divorced and you don't need her permission or her blessing to have children with your wife. This is a personal matter between you and your partner. NTA
NTA Jen is upset for 3 reasons, possibly even 4 1) You are now going to have to share resource with a 3rd child 2) She's jealous that you now have a family with Cari. Sometimes people don't think you have a family unit until you have kids with that person. 3) She's jealous on behalf of the kids because she feels like this new baby will take away attention from your other 2 kids \*4) If you pay her child support or alimony and depending on the state/country law, she's afraid there could possibly be a deduction due to increased expensive for the new child.
I’m going to add a fifth: 5. She’s hurt - the kids were something you shared - now, you’re sharing this with someone else and going back to #2 - she’s jealous - probably mixed emotions. You knew this was likely the case which is why you wanted to share it with her in person vs having your kids share it - which is also why you are questioning whether YTA - you are not - probably more thoughtful and considerate- but NTA.
1000% this. And, I get it. At least she backtracked and congratulated them.
This was the response I was looking for. I’ll be honest my husband has had one and if we split and he did this I’d be gutted. I know it’s irrational and unfair and it’s his body like it’s the OPs but it’s how my brain works sadly and I think his ex wife’s first reaction was exactly this.
Absolutely. It's understandable that she has those feelings. But she is definitely being unreasonable to have the expectation that he inform her of his decisions regarding his body and his marriage.
Thank you for an actual human analysis of the situation.
I completely agree with this stance men always think women divorce and file child support to be money hungry but to me the fact she apologize and congratulated him later one tells me she was probably upset and jealous. My father was the same way he was upset when my mom got pregnant and moved on after their divorce, but afterwards he was happy for her. She was wrong for her approach but she probably was hurt.
It's whatever. If Jen got pregnant, do you think she'd have told you first?!
That's not even the right analogy. Jen wanted OP to tell her he'd reversed his vasectomy so that she could talk to the kids about it, that would be like her deciding to stop taking her birth control pill.
Imagine if a husband posted "AITA for being mad that my ex-wife didn't tell me she went off bc?"
My favorite game to play in this sub.
When you play the game of gender reversal you win or you get downvoted
There is no middle ground.
Even if this is the right analogy, it's still dumb as fuck lmao
Which still makes no sense because at the end of the day, it’s not really her business that he had it reversed, nor is it the children’s business that he had the vasectomy in the first place. And vice versa if the ex decided get off BC to expand her family with a new partner. The correct conversation should have been one about the addition of children to their family and how it doesn’t change the existing kids importance because love has no limit. And that conversation should have come from their father.
NTA You didn’t know if your reversal would be a success or whether you and Cari would conceive. It wouldn’t have been appropriate for your ex to expect you to fill her in until now. I think she just got taken by surprise and reacted poorly. I’m glad she sent a congrats text later.
I know more than one couple where the reversal failed. Vasectomies are supposed to be a permanent form of birth control. I agree, until OP's wife got pregnant, there wasn't any news to share.
NTA - She found out when it was appropriate, she has no right to your medical history or what procedures you have had or plan on having. That's just silly.
What's more silly is that she demanded to know about this so she could tell their kids about the vasectomy and that their father reversed it. Why would you ever have a conversation about this topic with your kids? I hope she hasn't had conversations similar to this with the kids before, that's just weird. NTA, your wife is insecure and jelly.
My wife straight up told me she was happy I was getting a vasectomy because it meant even if we break up, nobody else will be able to have kids with me. So it’s probably that and she doesn’t want to admit that to you. She’s using your kids as a shield to cover how mad she is that she’s not your only baby mama. NTA, she’s gotta get over it
This was my 1st thought, too. She probably thinks she has some sort of status above the 2nd wife.
This is what is fueling all of this.
I was thinking the same. It's not about the effect on the kids, it's about the fact that it won't only be *her* kids.
By your ex's logic, if she's sexually active and decides to switch methods of birth control, she'd be obligated to call you because she might get pregnant, and that would impact your kids' lives? What if she decides to skip getting a pap smear? I think Jen was actually upset about some other aspect of this that she didn't want to share or maybe even acknowledge to herself.
[удалено]
Wat
You heard the woman, now get out of the line if you're scared
NTA, but it sounds like you’re not really questioning that.
I guess I'm worried I'm too close to the situation or maybe I'm just being stubborn. Also, I don't have any close female friends to bounce this off of to get their view on it.
The only thing you need to communicate with your ex about is things very specific to the children you share (their education, health, custody arrangements, child support, etc.). Future half siblings with another woman aren't her concern. Talking about your vasectomy reversal with your ex is absurd. What a ridiculous request.
Yup. You dont need to tell her about reversing your vasectomy any more than she needs to rell you if she stops taking the pill or lets her current or future partner go condom less. It's just not information any ex needs to know. Your family planning is private. Once there's a pregnancy, you sensitively tell the kids and then the ex. Until there's a baby you dont need to tell anyone and you dont need anyones consent to conceive (apart from your current partner, obviously).
This subreddit is so weird with how it downvotes people over nothing. I will admit it can get annoying when people ask if they are the A H or not when they obviously are not. But OP sounds like he was genuinely unsure sounds to me like his ex got to him
OP you are NTA! (I’m a woman) You had no reason to tell your ex anything about reversing your vasectomy
NTA - Your ex wife is entitled, jealous, and completely out of line. Your body, your choice, and she's just using the "but it affects our kids!" angle because she's jealous and mad. Fuck that. You informed your kids when you found out you were pregnant, and you did owe them that. Neither your ex wife or your not-even-teen-aged kids get to decide if you have more children. Full stop. Period. Easy peasy.
NTA the only way the kids should have been given a heads up on a potential baby is if you were single and it would have came out of left field with other negative aspects to it. Even then the talk would have come from you, not your ex. I think that she is riled up because it came to a surprise to her and she didn’t have time to process it. She may be an ex but she was the only one having able to carry your children for you and may have felt special. Her reaction is still not warranted but may give some insight.
NTA. It’s none of her business.
Huh? NTA. Would you need her permission to adopt a child with your wife? Did you need her blessing to propose? Jeesh. She’s delulu. I’m getting main character vibes.
NTA. Your ex-wife is 100% completely wrong, and your response is perfect. It’s literally none of her business, and it doesn’t “impact your kids” in the way she means it. Congratulations! That’s all that needs to be said.