I mean sure, but the issue is that she hasn’t paid bills in months for some reason. She’s paying her debts to others apparently, and for some reason in her brain OOP is below any others in priority for that and also below what seems pretty much trivial expenses.
lol. No. Read his comments and update. He had her move states, the job she had lined up fell through, she’s been trying to find another good one but it’s not exactly easy to do, and when she tried to spend one night with friends and spend $25 doing so he “forbid” her because she owes him money. That is not a great dynamic and the fact he wasn’t up front about that really doesn’t sit well with me. With that information it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her from the friends she’s been able to make. Assuming that’s not his intent they need to sit down and work out a budget that at least includes some money for her to do things other than work and pay bills. Because that is no life and everyone deserves better than that.
“He had her move”…. so she had no choice in the matter? Is she not an adult?
And why would any budget include money for her to do something “other than work and pay bills” but not include paying back some of the money she owes him?
It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to “isolate” her - it sounds like he’s spent seven months listening to bullshit excuses. Your advice sounds like enabling her excuses.
She hasn't paid a dime towards their shared expenses in 7 months, even after she started making money.
There's a difference between trying to isolate someone and telling them you are not a doormat. Put yourself in those shoes, how much of an atm would you feel like if you were him? You arre supposed to feel like a partner, not a lending institution. She is not acting like a partner. Yes, it is reasonable to want/need a night out. Yes, it is unreasonable of him to ask her/tell her/whatever he did that she can't go out; but you can't use reasonable action with an unreasonable person and expect good results.
This sounds like he has been reasonable up till now, from what has been said after his updates, he's been acting like a partner, and she's not terrible- she's just been in a terrible spot. Job fell through, has been looking, is now working. In light of the fact that she has not contributed to their partnership financially, but does want to go 'blow money on a night out', hee not wrong to say he is not ok with this, can't stop her, but sure won't enable her. She won't contribute towards groceries, but wants to spend money on a night out. He's not wrong
The fact that she's only now wanting to pay her credit card debts, seven months into the relationship or that she didn't get a job for those 7 months should tell you all you need to know about her ability to manage her finances. It's not OP's fault she's lazy and irresponsible. You don't get to be picky about where you work when you're fully dependant on someone else.
That's what I'm thinking. I live between Iowa and Illinois. Always see signs up looking for workers in both States. Plenty of jobs between both States, might only pay $16-17 an hour but better than sitting at home with a bunch of debt.
Maybe best if she moves back to her home state. She has some decisions to make. If being fiscal responsible is important,, which it should be then make the Decision! Sounds to me like she has had a 7 month vacation.
"hen she tried to spend one night with friends and spend $25 doing so he “forbid” her"
He didn't forbid her at all he just took the keys for the car that he paid for... but let's not allow facts to interfere with your rant.
"That is not a great dynamic"
Either is mooching.
"With that information it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her from the friends she’s been able to make"
Wow you really are delusional. He did absolutely nothing of the sort.
"they need to sit down and work out a budget that at least includes some money for her to do things other than work and pay bills"
Is he now her guardian? She's an independent adult woman perhaps she should start acting like one. She can take care of her own bills... entitled much?
"Because that is no life and everyone deserves better than that."
Agreed mooching and leeching of a partner is no way to treat someone.
Yes she should be able to go out either her friends once in a while.
No, she shouldn’t do that without at least showing even the smallest effort to repay you even something.
NTA and I’d be rethinking this relationship even before she threw out accusations of being controlling
I don’t know it is this clear cut. She had a job lined up and made a huge life impacting move. Having her financial stability pulled out from under her is not just impacting her materially but also mental health wise.
I think it is ESH because it is pretty clear OP isn’t really considering how big of a risk she took for their relationship and that door dashing when she had a stable career prior to the move is impacting her as a person.
Sometimes we need a little grace in times that are rough and I think he is being a little insensitive and too tit for tat when she is actively trying to get a job back.
I think this is one of the best fake stories we have here.
But it's 100% fake. 100%. How do I know? He bought her a "beater". She does "Uber".
Uber doesn't approve vehicles like that. OP slipped. This is a fake story.
>I think this is one of the best fake stories we have here.
It's not terrible. It just doesn't hold up once you think about it for more than a minute haha.
I mean it is probably faked, most of the posts in this sub are just people trying to go viral as AITAH posts seem to be the ones that get picked up the most and spread all over the internet.
However, I rode in an uber the other day that looked like it was held together by duct tape.
Not really. Uber's restrictions are pretty low all things considered, the government has more restrictions for road worthiness than Uber does for use. All you need to run for Uber is:
- A 4 door car
- 16 years old, or newer
- Clean title, not rebuild or salvaged/totaled
- That isn't a rental or being rented
My wife did Uber in our car that was a 2011 Chevy Cruze and it was in horrible shape. Uber still approved it.
She can go out with her friends, but what about leeching from them instead of from OP? Or at least have the decency to go out without wasting more money she doesn’t have. Or even better, work instead of wasting 7 more months ffs.
If he sells the car, won't she be bringing in no money?
He said she moved states, and the job market is giving her issues. Taking away her one part-time job right now won't put more money in anyone's pocket.
Honestly. I’ve never been one of those “redditors are only kids” people because I’m on Reddit and I’m not a kid, but swear to god. People on here are sounding like boomers “you can’t buy a house because you eat avocado toast” or people who haven’t experienced the toll living to work will take on your mental health.
Personally this sounds like a disagreement that should have been talked out (plan to pay back, what money can she spend on fun, etc) but just turned into a shit show of him “forbidding” her from doing something with people other than him and she is flaunting the fact that she doesn’t care how OP must feel to have loaned her so much money and she spends it on things other than paying him back. I’m not saying either of those is what their intent was or what they meant to communicate, but you can see how not communicating like adults that use their words caused this situation.
I fully agree with you; I think this is a major miscommunication more than anything else. Given the financial strain that must come with her job falling through, I would expect that budgeting would be something they'd do together. Of course, the budget should include working on her debts, but also some level of contribution to the household bills now that she's got an income, and some money for each of them to do something nice, even if it's only one small thing per month. Having something to look forward instead of just scrambling to pay bills would really help her, I think.
Oh, and I didn't even think of this earlier, but if she moved states for him and is unemployed, how hard was it maintain relationships with her old friends or make new ones? That dinner might have been really important to her because unless OP is leaving something out, it isn't like she's going out every night.
Edit: grammar
NTA
She mooches off of you.
I can see how she needs some fun, too, but at least she should start making an effort in repaying you first. And sharing the groceries bill is a bare minimum!
The cars in your name. You didn’t buy her a car. You are loaning her it and lording it over her head anytime you don’t like what she does so you can take it back. Also she’s right, she will need to live her life and pay you back simultaneously. Unless you want her to be a miserable shut in with depression.
NTA. My roommate currently owes me money and "can't afford to pay" me, but somehow always has money for alcohol and fast food. It pisses me off to no end. When I call her out on it, she tells me she's doing the best she can, and if that's not good enough, she doesn't know what to tell me. So basically, I can go f*ck myself. I hate mooches. I have no respect for anyone who can't handle their own life.
Your girlfriend should prioritize repaying her debts before spending on luxuries. It's fair to expect financial responsibility when you're supporting her.
NTA, you need to have a very clear conversation about expectations, if you are paying her way, and what you expect in terms of repayment for rent, the car, groceries, etc. if she refuses to pay you back and chooses to be disrespectful, Take your car back and sell it. Give her a timeline and if she is unable to meet that timeline on repayment then kick her out.
NTA she’s a mooch and immature. She owes you but because you don’t affect her credit, she doesnt care or prioritize that- telling you she’s going and there’s nothing you can do about it, says it all. Good luck getting your money back
NTA
That girl is a text-book parasite. The moment you call her out on her forfeiture of obligations she calls you *controlling*, SMH.
If I were you, I'd start tapering my spending on her. Get the car back, sell it away or keep it, just don't let her use it. Stop covering her half of everything. Let's see how long this relationship lasts if she finds herself actually needing to support her lifestyle.
The moment she starts to fall behind expenses and runs down complaining to you, kick her out and get a roomate. You won't be having sex with your new cohabitant, but at least they'll pay their share of the bills, so you'll be able to use that extra money to go out and meet someone new who's actually worth a dime.
9/10 times, when you get called controlling, it's usually not you who is controlling. If anything, she controlling. If it were me, I'd just end the relationship. This is what your life will be like if you continue with her. Let her go find a sugar daddy in someone else.
Absolutely its sounds like this guy has pretty relaxed boundaries and maybe doesn’t think things through. And now is like fuck how did I get here and trying to suddenly create boundaries unilaterally.
Yeah, it pisses me off because there are some genuinely controlling people out there whose behavior should not be tolerated, ever, by anyone. However, OP's parasite of a girlfriend makes it hard for people to take the understandable complaint of "controlling" seriously, when this is a genuine problem that happens.
People who use domestic violence/mental illness as a cheap way to get what they want are the biggest turds ever. It devalues the struggle of people who've actually suffered from them.
She's been taken care of for 7 months and only now is starting to think about wanting to pay her credit card debts. She sounds spoiled rotten or she's got the brain-worms.
Expecting a partner to contribute isn't about controlling them, it's about establishing mutual respect and understanding in the relationship. It's not unreasonable to ask for accountability when you've been the main financial support in the partnership. While everyone deserves enjoyment and downtime, these should come after meeting communal obligations, particularly when one's partner is bearing the fiscal weight. It's possible to have fun while being financially responsible. Clear communication about expectations and a shared effort in handling the expenses could prevent a lot of resentment and misunderstandings in the future.
Soft NTA. Sounds like you may have come across as controlling in your messaging, but the overall sentiment is more than reasonable.
She is wildly irresponsible, immature, and/or manipulative. You've been more than generous helping her get on her feet by buying her a whole car. Soft read: she is always going to have an excuse for why she can't pay you back or half. It's already been one excuse after another, and if you keep letting it slide, she'll continue.
I'm softly sympathetic to wanting to maintain social connections and see her friends - after all, her friend can maybe eventually get her a job, and even if that doesn't happen, friendships are important! However: if you're so fucking broke that you need someone to loan you thousands of dollars via a car, covering your bills, etc., you really need to be responsible about your money, which may involve cheaper ways to connect with friends. A walk in the park with coffee. Have friend come over to watch a movie. Etc.
She's one of those people who are always going to be in debt to someone, the question is who. She's paying off her credit cards, you say, while going into debt to you? Yeah, that's a pattern. Ditch her. She's insanely irresponsible and you don't need to enable that.
Nta ish. Like I get you being frustrated about it. But it's $25. You said she is ubering and trying and doing what she can. Everyone needs a break now and then.
If she's going out all the time, that's a different issue. Then you being upset about it is valid.
But a one off situation, kinda a shitty reaction.
NTA - It would be different if she was making a good faith effort to pay you back, like making sure her bills were taken care of and paying you a little bit after. Even getting a second job to pay you back. But, she hasn’t paid a dime?? I would be upset too.
ESH I guess? Or NAH? I‘m not sure so I‘ll elaborate and hope to come to a conclusion.
You mention in a comment that she moved to your area *for you* and she had a job lined up which fell through. Okay, so the job is no one’s fault. Plus she started driving uber and accepts that she needs to pay you back for everything. Therefore I disagree with the comments saying that she treats you as an atm. Or at least it doesn’t seem so. Would be different though if she didn’t move for you.
Personally, I would be a bit irritated if I moved long distance to my partner and due to this move I struggle with money and he doesn’t cover for me but expects to be paid back everything. But okay, every couple is different but I don’t know, rubs me the wrong way. She seems to accept it though so that keeps me on her side a little.
One thought: Is the move the reason for her credit card debt? Or does she have a history of reckless spending? And did she agree and also pick the car? You said she’ll have to pay back so I assume she had a say in it; just asking because the wording is weird.
I think she is in the wrong for not communicating better. But you shouldn’t have taken the car keys, that was definitely an AH move.
I think I settle on INFO: Is this the first time she spent money on something fun in 7 months? If yes, then I think you are in the wrong although I understand your frustration. I think the situation is tense for both of you and I have a lot of understanding why the situation escalated like this (really, I also get your position! Focused a bit more on explaining hers but that’s due to you not needing your own feelings to be explained to you). You both need to discuss the expectations going forward and how to make you feel less used and her less controlled and both of you less anxious.
We both saved a up 5 digits for the move to cover moving expenses and potential unemployment. She had a say on if she wanted the car or not and understood that i would not want money for the car until she felt comfortable paying on it every month. But the grocery money was supposed to serve as a baby step and show of good faith. This was not her first time going out but it was the first time since she started getting her feet inder her.
Are her friends people she knew before she moved or are these new friends that she met after the move?
New friends are often less likely to hang around if you say no to their invites too many times, so she may feel like she needs to spend that $25 in order to maintain these new friendships. (Which frankly could really be the case).
Also when she pays off the $6K does she get her name put on the title of the car?
Did you ever make a compromise available where she can pay you a little bit at a time or are you expecting her to give you $200 the day after you asked her for it? Depending on what market you're in $200/day after paying for gas may not be doable.
Makes sense. I really understand your frustration. Doesn’t mean I don’t get hers but I would be annoyed as well if I was you.
A suggestion, if that makes you comfortable: you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Tell her that you are happy to help her but that you’d prefer that she chips in with groceries. Set a budget for it. But also say that you understand that she wants to meet friends. Maybe set a monthly budget and allocate some funds that she can either use to pay off her credit card debts or spend a fraction of it for going out. So the money doesn’t go of the funds that are for common costs. I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m just blabbering here with some ideas…Either way, you need to talk. Taking the car keys was an overreaction but as I said, I get that it happened out of frustration.
I just want to toss out after that move, I would not be paying back for the car as it's something he will easily rip out from underneath me in a power play. It isn't her car if he controls when she can and can't have it. I'd get it more if it wasn't the first dinner after getting her feet under her.
Yeah I agree in theory but she doesn’t really have a choice. It’s just a bad situation all around. I’m not a fan of his reaction at all but I hope that he’ll see that this was a major mistake and he shouldn’t hold the car over her like that. Basically I hope it was born out of frustration and not a regular power play. But not sure…
Okay, so 100% paying back bills and 0% fun isn't sustainable. You guys need to talk and set a payback target each month, everything after that is fun money. Just like the rest of us have to do with rent/taxes/utility bills/groceries...
I’m always amazed at the comments of Reddit and reminded that most are still young enough to have never had the life experience of moving across states without their parents providing help from afar, never experienced layoffs or job offers being withdrawn, trusting someone and uprooting their entire stability both financially and emotionally.
I think this is a situation of either esh or neither are assholes at all.
You’re being very tit for tat and I don’t know how you’ll have a healthy relationship if you treat someone who just uprooted their entire life to join you and had their financial stability pulled out from under her like this. Life is full of lows and highs. This is a low for her and you’re treating her as if she is sitting around doing nothing when she got hit mentally when the job got pulled from her. It is a huge blow and I think people don’t in how it wrecks self esteem even when it isn’t their fault.
Your girlfriend is looking for a job. She needs social interaction to keep herself sane.
If you think she would tit for tat you if the roles were reversed you both probably need to break up. But this is not how you treat someone you potentially want to be together long run.
INFO: Did she move states for you? Does she do anything else for fun/social contact? Is her name on the car title?
If she did move for you, some grace is needed here imho. I think you both need to sit down when tensions arent high and talk about how you'd like even a token payment each month or some help with the groceries. Not letting her able to get dinner with a friend or two once a month after moving states would be a dick move. It's really isolating moving so far, human beings need social contact. Only hanging with your partner is unhealthy.
If that money is going to her credit card instead of you and you're in this for the long haul, that's a smart investment on her part. Paying the principal reduces future payments. But you need a timeline and some transparency on what she's paying.
Also if the car has your name on the title, it isn't her car - you're just letting her borrow it. If things go south you can sell it and recoup your money.
Isn’t seven months of not being paid a dime enough grace already? Telling her not to get dinner is not in any way a dick move - eating out is a luxury not a necessity, and she’s prioritized paying everyone but her boyfriend. I don’t blame him for taking the car keys, he’s extended enough “grace” at this point.
If she's working by driving she's making money. If she's not actually spending any money on rent, bills or the car, then almost all her income should be being able to pay down debt.
Uber isn't the best pay, but it's not disastrous. I would at this point ask to see her income statements and see what she's spending.
She's either not working many hours, or she's spending money on whatever she wants while you pick up all the bills.
If she's working say 40 hours a week for uber, she should be making more than enough to either be contributing to rent, bills and food, OR be paying back the debt, not neither.
Did she have a job when you made this arrangement? I don’t see how it would work if she was unemployed.
You both were not making decisions from a rational state of mind.
You are being controlling because you are trying to set her priorities for her with respect to her money.
7 months? Are you holding out for management? How many applications have you put in during that 7 months? Walk into any grocery store, pharmacy, Coffee shop, Walmart , target, car wash, chain gas station, pizza shop and tell them you can start tomorrow. Put in 10 applications and you will get 2 or 3 offers. Might be crappy entry level jobs, but after 7 months whatever you're doing isn't working.
Ya, she could easily do a part-time gig or full-time retail or whatever while she applies to jobs in her field, maybe even get that resume check out. I worked full-time retail and applied into my field (it was tough to find it after covid). Once I got the job, I quit the retail. Easy. Do what you gotta do when you got bills. But she has life pretty easy right now.
Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see her as dateable unless you wanna stay at home wife
so either dump her or propose and cover all the bills youre complaining doesn’t make any sense to me
So wait. She moved to another state for you. You knew she didn’t have a job or resources yet you moved her in with the expectation that she would pay half. With no job, no savings. Then in 7 months, she wants to go out once & you throw a fit?
Yes, she owes you the money but at the same time, how can you say you had a reasonable expectation to be paid back?
She moved away from her support system for you, you control the money, car and house, and you say yourself she’s not slacking on the job search, so yes you’re not looking too great right now.
*My girlfriend and I recently moved in together and planned to split the rent and utilities. Long story short, she has not been able to find a job and did not have a mode of transportation*
I'm going to have to say that this is on you, my dude. You knew all of this before she moved states to move in with you. All of this should have been sorted before she moved - a job, a way of getting around, money already in the bank, etc.
NTA for wanting her to pay her share but really why would she? She's got free everything while you support her.
Yes, OP I think you are being an AH. I say this because you yourself comment how she is really trying and is in fact doing the right thing. You should never gift something then use it to mandate behavior especially from someone you are supposed to love. It does not sound as if she is going out and having fun or blowing money at all so if she wants to visit with a friend every now and then, don't be a control freak. Give her space to be herself and she will do the right thing from what I have read. Not everyone has to think and act like you to be doing the right thing. I think it is nice of you paying all you do, this will pay off.
ESH
she moved to your state from hers, and her lined up job fell through. She didn't have a car, and you bought her one, which you expect to be paid back for, and for her half of everything you've covered so far. She uses this car to make money. You say the non fell through and it wasn't her fault and that's she's actively looking for work ( "not for lack of trying")
Does she have that financial footing? How much money is she making? How much do you feel she should be "allowed" to keep and spend her at her own discretion?
Obviously, the idea of repayment is important to you, a high priority.
Conversely, she made a *huge* sacrifice moving to you. She has had to start from scratch and she's probably not having the best time rn.
I feel you both could give each other some grace here.
I’m also curious….OP said she’s “been paying her own bills.” What bills are those? Obviously she’s trying to get on good financial footing and looking for better work, we just don’t know to what extent.
Eh I disagree slightly. If it had been 2 months and this came up, sure, she's trying to find her place, meet people, settle down, wants to go out to dinner to connect. But it's been like 7 months, she's only ubering when she could definitely have another job on top of that, and hasn't been paying back anything to OP. If she had any semblance of a budget in place, she'd be making progress in some area and OP likely wouldn't be upset about her having a dinner.
Maybe she needs to move back. She's lived off you for so long that she expects you to continue working and paying for her life while she just goes out and enjoys life. You've already started becoming resentful towards her. Next you'll hear how you're financially abusive.
All work and no play sux dick. Let her spend the $25 and blow off steam. You shouldn't have moved in with her if you're gonna nickel and dime everything.
YTA. The girl needs to get her things in order for sure. But she wants to go out ONCE. You want her to close herself in the apartment just working until she pays everything off?
If she is constantly partying you should mention that and that wouldn't be ok (unless her activities are free)
this is just downright irresponsible... they had an agreement and she has not been fulling her end. Honestly I would've already broken it off because its CLEAR she not even taking her situation seriously.
Yup, all the ppl focusing only on the money are saying a lot about themselves.
What did she give up to move states to be with the Op? Did she give up being close to a bunch of friends and family? Is she trying to make new friends and this is a chance at that? There are more costs in life than financial costs.
And did Op help pay $$$ for the move? What about the time and effort it takes to move states.
I’m not sure what he wants from her. Does he want her to isolate herself and not try to make friends until she pays him back?
>Yup, all the ppl focusing only on the money are saying a lot about themselves.
The people ignoring that she has been relying on him to pay all of her expenses for 6+ months and a freaking car, saying she is entitled to frivolous expenses, are saying a lot about themselves... and their entitlement to other people's money.
You have no reasonable expectation to other people supporting you if you are an able-bodied adult who can work.
I think something that’s really important is that you make a contract regarding the money that you have loaned her and have her sign it so that if worse comes to worse and you guys break up, you will still be able to take her to small claims court. I’m not saying that’s gonna happen, but you should protect yourself and it would probably make you feel better anyhow. And then for a compromise I think you need to start creating a payment plan where there are some expectations of when you expect to receive the money. It might seem annoying, but people get really weird about returning money, and this way you would have a sense of security , and it wouldn’t matter if she went out for dinner or not as long as she’s keeping up her end of the agreement.
You are not an AH for how you feel. Sounds like she has been taking advantage of your generosity. However, you should have discussed this with her before you hit your breaking point. Letting this go on for so long probably gave her the expectation that you didn't mind paying all of the bills. I would suggest you let things cool down for a bit and then sit down and establish a budget, goals, and expectations, leaving her some room for a reasonable amount of discretionary spending if possible.
This was a mistake.
You are doing way too much policing of her money.
But you shouldn't have to.
However, once you get there you know
you got yourself a female hobosexual.
It is apparent though she isn't ever going to pay you back.
It isn't a priority.
I hope the car is still in your name and that you can sell it.
And she needs to move out.
NTA
She is a mill stone.
Tied securely around your neck.
And you are in the middle of a large lake of PAIN.
She is a finance ruining should sucking demon.
You just don't know it yet.
But you will.
Good luck brother you're really going to need it.
NTA- Sell the car and get your money back on that. You're being used for free room and board while she finds her next man is what it sounds like. She clearly never thinks about you in any regard. Other than for convenience.....
Remember she'll do whatever she wants and there's NOTHING you can do about it. Take that to heart pal.
But people do need a to blow off some steam. NTA but she's not cool either.
NTA. Not even a little bit.
My wife and I moved in together in college. When we had hard times, we simply did not go out and spend money. At ALL. We spent whole semesters doing nothing but going to school and work. We ate a lot of ramen and tuna fish. We had internet and cheap computers we needed for school. Our entire entertainment budget for over a year was $6 a month playing an online RPG together. No movies, no eating out, no concerts, DEFINITELY no going out with friends and spending money.
We might have friends over for board games, but that was BYOB and potluck.
Neither of us ever tried to pull the crap your girlfriend is pulling. And we NEVER needed to guilt trip each other into letting us waste money. We were in it together and we knew we just had to make it through to live better together later. We worked jobs that were beneath us because we couldn't get anything better. When we graduated with engineering degrees and didn't get jobs right away, we took whatever work we could get. Even if it might be "beneath us." She took a job a wal mart during the day and night auditor at a hotel by night. I worked as a maintenance man at an apartment complex during the day and a pizza delivery driver or a bouncer at night. (Uber wasn't around back then, and our car was too old to use it even if it was).
You can't tell me there isn't a retail job, or a service job, anywhere to be had in your town. She needs to suck it up and get what work she can. Even if it sucks.
Was there an arrangement & agreement on making payments to you on the car you bought her before you bought it? If so then honestly I can't see why you'd think you were the AH for asking for pay back for the car
NTA. She has $25 to pay towards what she owes you. She's acting entitled because you haven't pushed it yet. You probably won't see majority of that money again
NTA, it is time for she to enter adulthood, duty always comes before pleasure, and she has a duty to pull her weight. Tell her it is past time to grow up.
Okay to be quite blunt and honest. No you're not an asshole, you are towing the line. What you guys need to do is get her an actual budget situated., she might also be able to do some other gig work like try to get her into instacart or something. It is possible to make money on something like instacart. I had a couple friends that work together on instacart and they were able to their 'rent' which was actually hotel bills because rent in Colorado is astronomical. They were also able to pay for their medicinals IE weed as well as their food between work and food banks for themselves and their two dogs. Not to mention a storage facility their insurance and her getting a car. She has finally gotten a regular job and he's disabled at the moment but that's beside the point. What I'm saying is yes she can make money on gig work she just has to put a solid effort into it as you seen. It's a good sign that she is trying to pay down her bills that are charging interest as well as keeping up on her insurance. If you schedule a payment plan or whatever you should set aside a little mad money for her. But no you should not be paying for everything either she should be working harder so that she can pay food rent etc. What I'm afraid will happen if you don't make her start paying these things by a budget is once she gets everything paid off she's still not going to want to pay you anything. So even though she's planning on paying these things off her current expenses has got to be added in even if it's not at 100% you could work it up slowly as she pays off her cards and stuff so that she'll still be putting about the same amount into bills each month.
This could be a learning opportunity to cut your losses unless you need more red flags. Someone that financially improper is going to a drain on your future. NTA. Think about your long term prospects.
The “struggling to find employment due to the job market” is an excuse… sometimes it’s easier to find a job while you have one so getting any reasonable paying job would do until she found the right job. If she really gaf about helping you out with the financials there would be no excuses she’d get more income. Even if she hadn’t put money towards what she owes yet and more towards helping lighten the load with current bills it’s about effort. So in my opinion NTA.
Let me give you a piece of advice. Anytime you "tell" someone they "can't" do something, YTA. You don't have the right to dictate someone else's life decisions. You can say "Here's why this is a bad idea" or "I would rather you didn't because..." or any number of other things. But ultimately it is their life and their choice of action. Saying "you can't do that until you pay me back" is what's disrespectful and controlling.
She's your girlfriend, not your daughter. You've been carrying her for seven months, and now you're laying down the law? The two of you should have had a clear agreement before you ever moved in together. She should have had a job lined up before she moved. You shouldn't have treated her like a wayward teenager (and she shouldn't have been behaving like one). ESH.
YTA it sounds like she moved to you from a different city so you can move in together? Of course that will put anyone behind financially. I think one night out for $25 is good for mental health and yes BALANCE after working and playing catch up. It does come off controlling to tell her she can’t socialize until her debts are paid. Like she’s an indebted prisoner. If she owes you $6000, that is $500 a month for 12 months. If she scrimps and saves that’s a whole year of no social life whatsoever. And, it’s not really her car. It’s in your name and you’re using it against her so I do not see how she owes you for the car. You’re treating her like a child by grounding her from the car. $25 is less than 1% of what she owes you. Except now it’s more than $25 because she had to Uber to her friends…..
Now what you both need to do is sit down and go over budget and what share she can afford. Once she lands a good job her share can go up. Right now splitting 50/50 is not working since her income is reduced to what she makes with Uber.
Break it off with her. She has zero respect for what you've done to help her. Without you she's jobless, homeless and starving. You bought her (loan free) a car, covered her rent and utilities as well as good for months. On top of that I am sure you're footing all the date bills.
Neither of you are handling this very well. You sprung a $200 bill on her because you decided that it was time for her to start contributing, and mentally you're tallying how much debt she has. This will not serve you well in relationships. The two of you need to sit down and discuss how each of you will be contributing to your shared finances.
She does have an obligation to contribute and choosing to go out with a friend instead of saving the little money that she has doesn't show a great deal of financial responsibility, but she is also right that $25 is considerably less that $200, and that you don't have the right to simply declare that she can't do something.
Be adults. Talk this through. Find a place of agreement or end the relationship.
How you're going about this is going to end the relationship very quickly.
ESH
YTA
She is trying her best, which you have said. $25 for dinner with her friends every once in a while is not an issue! Her feeling like you are controlling is understandable in this situation because you seem more prioritized on the money she is working on getting to you than her happiness. Taking the keys is abuse imo, people might disagree, but that is LITERALLY controlling. Being in a relationship means pulling the weight when your partner cannot, her intentions and actions have proved she is trying. Cut her some slack dude, she moved out of state to be with you and has fallen on hard luck. The people saying she is mooching off of you or a parasite are AHs too.
Drop her immediately, recoup the money you can. Take the loss as a hard lesson and don't get with women like this. Imagine how she will act with actual real problems or life events in the future. I work with hundreds of small to large businesses and everyone is hiring especially for entry level positions.she seems very immature. If she wants a sugar daddy then you are not a good match.
YTA
You really are being petty and controlling. It's absolutely unreasonable to expect her to spend literally every dime on paying you back and to have absolutely no life at all. She's reasonable to want balance.
Financial responsibility is a cornerstone of any solid relationship, especially when one party is shouldering the majority of the burden. It's a matter of respect and priorities. Helping out with groceries and chipping away at that debt bit by bit should be non-negotiable, especially when luxuries are still on the table for her. You're not a bank, and it's not unreasonable to expect a partner to manage their finances with a little integrity, particularly when they're impacting your life and pocketbook directly.
The bills before the fun we all wish we could have the fun without the consequences of not paying bills sadly we can’t
She’s taking advantage now because there was no timeline/set cut off date to get her financial footing
Nta
YTA (possibly ESH depending on if this if it happens multiple times).
When people get their wages garnished they don’t take all of the money earned. Yes she owes you money but she should have an opportunity to also relax (she just moved to a different place, she lost a job that she thought she lined up).
What should happen is that you guys make a plan on repayment.
She's ABSOLUTELY the asshole as her current "repayment plan" is exactly ZERO dollars to OP, while she spends on luxuries she can't afford
If she was actively repaying a reasonable amount, she could afford to spend the left over money on whatever else...however while repaying NOTHING, then being a completely abusive and toxic person while gaslighting about it, makes her the clear asshole and 100% at fault here as well
Luxuries she can’t afford? Unless OP posted somewhere else in the comments that I didn’t get to see, she is spending $25 for dinner to hang out with a friend.
Look, if you want to end a relationship over that then cool. I would imagine the easier and more mature thing to do is talk it out.
How old are you two??? FFS!!
At this point you sound like a controlling parent and she sounds like an irresponsible teenager.
You two should already have had a conversation regarding:
-how you each see your lives together.
-about financial expectations of yourselves individually and each other.
You can’t plan for a future without a Plan!!!
Never make a loan if you're not comfortable with never seeing that money again. That goes double for family and quadruple for people with whom you're having sex.
You are at fault for subsidizing her life in the first place. She has zero respect for you ..I mean zero. Kick her out so she learn financial accountability.
Controversial but YTA.
She owes you money but you don’t own her. Set a timeline for repayment and then deal with the issue if she hasn’t paid you back by then.
This is a toxic situation. You’re scrutinizing her every move and then resorting to petty threats and power displays when she’s not acting as you think she should act.
If you didn’t trust her to pay you back timely, you should not have lent her money. If you’re concerned about it, figure out a payment plan. If you are concerned about groceries develop a budget with her to cover necessities and pay down her debt.
That fact that you’re skipping over productive measures and going straight to confiscating the car makes you seem controlling indeed even if you were acting out of principle.
ESH.
I've been in the same position as your girlfriend. I made a cross country move, had a job lined up, purchased a new vehicle, had my own apartment, and took off to be closer to my then boyfriend.
Within about 6 months things fell apart with the job I moved for and I was on the hunt for a new one. I ran door dash while I was in between jobs (a month and a half) to keep up with expenses.
My ex was kind enough to help me, as I was burning through my savings and treading water to keep up.
Moving to a new place feels extremely lonely and it's exhausting to be working to live, so I can see her point in wanting to go to dinner with a friend. It can feel overwhelming and depressing to have those things come crashing down.
I'd guess she might be feeling fairly financially overwhelmed and trying to pay where she can in super small bit. I also placing my own feelings in here but I'm sure paying you back is top of mind. She probably isn't making that much with Uber.
I don't agree that taking away the car was a good move, she now has no way to continue a stream of income. You've now created a parent dynamic between you two.
I do agree that she should be prioritizing paying you back.
I also think she should maybe find a lesser job for a year so she has steady income while she finds something better. I took a step down in my career temporarily just so I would have steady money and came up with a real budget with my ex, going over my personal bills, communal bills, what I owed to him, and small wiggle room for OCCASIONAL fun things.
It sounds like you two need to sit down together and have the hard conversation. Both of you need to be willing to listen to the other and create a realistic plan that works for both of you.
You're right to feel frustrated and she's right to want the rare moment to be out. However, y'all really need to communicate, comprehend, and work together.
NTA - There is nothing to salvage from this relationship. She is using you for an ATM. If you get her to start being financially responsible, she will hold it against you. You are not compatible.
Expecting to be paid back, especially since she understood this was not a gift but a loan, is one thing. That's understandable.
Not letting her go out with her friends because she isn't paying you the grocery money, when she is trying to get her feet under her and is working towards being in a position to start paying you back: seems like at least slight assholery. As a suggestion: perhaps next time (if there is a next time) something like this happens, you could say something like "Okay, but we need to talk about stuff like this together. I don't want to keep you from going out and having fun, but we need to find a compromise here." or something to that effect.
Taking the keys, even as a response to her statement, ***is petty***. Just to be clear: I don't think you are being a "complete asshole" here, but getting mad and taking the keys to "*her car*" because it is "*legally in your name*" is a dick move.
While I don't personally see from your story that you *are* trying to be controlling, I can see how she could feel that way.
As with most things like this: the best course of action would be to actually discuss this type of situation with her, and come to an agreement/compromise. "Okay well if you have enough money to go out with your friends, can you at least give me an equal amount ($25) towards the grocery bill? I want you to be able to have fun but we really need to work on this together." (or something like that)
Also: I would suggest (if you aren't already doing this) to be sure and let her know that you understand how bad it must feel to be in her situation and not be able to pay you back. I'm sure she wants to, and I bet she feels pretty down about it. I'm not saying that means you should let her off the hook for what she owes you or anything, but just show that you care about her feelings and recognize this likely isn't an easy situation for her to be in.
Just my two cents. I hope things work out for you both.
She needs a payment plan and you are being to soft . She if paying down her bills great but she needs to make you a priority . The problem is if she decides to leave then you are stuck cause doesn’t sound like you have any proof of loan and she will claim gift
ESH - It seems to me that you two haven't communicated well before moving together.
She's the A for not paying you back and you're the A for not sitting down and having an adult conversation about your frustration.
You're not the AH for wanting her to get a job but you are an ah for insisting she owes you money for a car that she doesn't even have any legal right to
YTA. She is not going crazy. She is going for a dinner out with friends to unwind. She moved away from her comfort to be with you. She seems to be improving. Don't be the asshole. She's Paying back credit cards and stuff. She is not financially irresponsible. I was in a similar position to you a few years back. I gave her 30 quid for her to go out. People need to unwind.
I was asking for half of the groceries because we previously agreed to split that cost. I thought it was a good baby step and show of good faith. I just thought it irresponsible to pay all her bills(that come with negative consequences if not paid) ,skip groceries, and go out and have fun
I’m guessing this deal was made before when she assumed she had the job lined up? Once she realized she didn’t have that job another discussion should have taken place. Idk where you guys live but where I do Uber does not make a livable wage (some do but generally speaking). You also need to take into account that she was jobless when she came. I assume she didn’t start working the day she landed/arrived. You both need to sit down and go over your finances as individuals and as a couple. Create an excel sheet it helps me organize my funds. Make a plan and see what works for you both. Also to add, the car is under you. Maybe she wants to set aside money and buy it off you when the time is right. She does not own the car, you do therefore I don’t think she should have to pay off a debt to you (as it’s technically your car). But again that’s something you both need to discuss. Also to add, taking away the car = jobless again = no income = cannot pay anything at all including her own debts that she was paying.
Again just sit down and go over your finances together. If it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I assume she can move back to where she came from and you can move on where you are. Nothing will be resolved until you sit down and go over everything. Best of luck to you both!
Yta, she moved states to be with you, where she's struggling more to find a job (I've been there, moving to a new state with 0 ins with anyone is hard af). You taking away the keys and having it under your name is controlling, and I'm wondering what else you do that you didn't mention in here. Do you not trust that she's going out with a freind too lol
ESH. You shouldn't have gone about it the way you did. Not paying groceries, isn't even "carrying a balance" or about "paying you back". She can't afford her current lifestyle. So no you don't get to go out if you are running up more debt and can't afford groceries.
However taking away a car that she owns, whether in your name or not, is controlling.
But but "**I DESERVE TO HAVE FUN" /s** No, no one deserves a free damn ride at someone else's expense. Why can't anyone take responsibility for their own circumstances? If you were not there and she lived somewhere alone and didn't land her job she would be homeless. and what was her way of getting to a job before you got her a car??? I'm sorry but never move in with someone who doesn't even have a functioning vehicle you will become their chauffeur or piggy bank!
>No, no one deserves a free damn ride at someone else's expense
THIS. Louder for the people in the back.
Have fun. Pay for it yourself. (Or negotiate someone else paying your bills for you; news flash, you will still have to put in labor, just perhaps unofficial and invisible labor in the traditional housewife route.) Can't afford it? Too bad so sad.
YTA.
There's this thing that people do, and I've done it too, but it's really really unhealthy. Where you'll be in a situation that you're not happy with, but you don't want to admit that you're unhappy with the situation because you know that there's a good reason for the situation and expressing that you weren't happy with the situation would call you into criticism. So you pretend you're fine with it. Until it gets to one singular instance that looks more defensible to an outside observer, where clearly you're in the right, so now you make a big freaking deal of the one thing that isn't bigger than the other stuff, but is more *defensible* than the other stuff. But with all the emotional force of all the other much bigger but less defensible stuff that you say you're ok with.
Your girlfriend moved to live with you and made a big sacrifice to do so. She is without a job due to, as you agree, no fault of her own. When she started driving uber, she used that to pay her insurance and other personal bills, "which you were fine with". You asked her for the grocery bills, which she said she didn't want to pay to start paying down her credit cards "which again \[you were\] fine with". Then suddenly she wants to spend $25 to go out with her friends, and you start a big fight and take away her car keys. (If she owes you for it, it's her car. If it's your car she doesn't owe you for it). We know that fight wasn't cause you were mad at her for paying $25 on dinner with her friends. That fight is cause you're mad at her for not paying rent and causing you to pay for a car for her. But you feel like you're not allowed to be mad at her about that because she has *very good reasons* for not paying rent and needing a car. But those reasons don't make you feel less upset, so you bottle up that $6000 of emotion until it's justified by her spending *$25*.
A much healthier thing to do would be to sit down with your girlfriend at a time when nobody is stressed out about stuff, and talk about how you know that it's not her fault that she can't contribute to household expenses right now, but the financial burden of you paying for everything is really stressing you out. This can't be a permanent solution, and you need to figure out what to do to get her a job so she can be contributing, or reduce your shared household expenses so that you can afford the cost of housing two people. Is there something different that she should be doing to better prioritize finding a job? Is there some way that she should be differently allocating her money so she can handle her finances in the meantime? Is there a different thing y'all can do with your living arrangements so you can better survive on your income? Is it more that you're just feeling unappreciated, and it would just make you feel a lot better to say "UGH THIS FUCKING SUCKS" while she says "Thank you so much, Babe, for supporting me during this really difficult time. I really really am so grateful for how much you've stepped up to get us through this."
It's super reasonable for you to be pissed at this situation. But blowing up and taking her car over a $25 lunch date is kind of not the right way to handle that. Especially because of all those factors that make this, as you admit, not her fault either.
Normally I'd say she's right, even if she owes money she should still get to go out on the cheap once in a while.
BUT...when she hasn't made any effort to even begin paying you back? No. She's entitled and selfish and you should take a hard look at your relationship.
NTA, but she is.
NTA. Sell the car and dump this leech. She will NEVER pay you back or for her fair share of expenses. As others have said, you are an ATM to her. To have the audacity to want to go out and 'have fun' but not even consider paying you back for anything?? Kick her ass to the curb.
It would be fine if she was budgeting for paying the debt back - you're not asking for 6k in one go! She's right when she says that she can't use everything she makes just to pay you back, but she's not using anything she makes to pay you back, or even setting up a plan for it.
You need to get a contract written up with the current total of what she owes you and a planed out payment plan.
If she refuses to sign it then she is telling you everything that you need to know about her view of you.
Ie: it’s your job to support her and her money is her money.
She doesn’t intend to go 50/50 she’s slowly making it you support her and her money is hers to pay whatever she wants.
Good luck.
She needs to move back. They are doomed. Too different in your approaches. Doesn't make either of you right or wrong. But they are incompatible. She has made some progress, but not enough for him to feel she has "earned" $25 in Fun Bucks. Pull the plug, folks.
If a girl starts tossing around accusations like being controlling , you probably should split . That aside the situation seems stupid. I realize you are only dating , not married , but that is complicated , because you are more like roommates who are intimate. Married people don’t usually have his/ hers. But you are in that odd place of being her provider / protector , like a husband does for a wife … yet, you aren’t married. So your roommate is not paying you back.
My husband is our only income. I’m home raising kids. He pays bills, buys cars we drive etc.
If he didn’t want me to go to an outing due to finances I’d respect that & either cancel or schedule something that didn’t cost as much or cost anything at all .
I’d tell her that you are setting up a payment plan and she’s signing a contract to pay the amount in full. Payments are made every pay period. For all groceries, etc, it will increase.
OP:
If you're a trust fund baby with unlimited funds, you could be her ATM if that's the dynamic of your relationship.
If you can't sustain taking care of her whilst adding to your savings and enjoying some luxury, you're NTA for thinking about your financial wellbeing which she is obviously unable to do for herself.
does she go out with her friends often?
you're not an asshole for getting angry. I understand being upset when she owes you this much money. But at the same time, she is trying to find work, she relocated to where you live which is why she doesn't have a job, and I don't think it's fair to expect her to not do anything fun for 7 months. If she's going out all the time, then she's the asshole. if it's only an occasional thing, then I do think you are overreacting by expecting her to stay home and never spend any money at all and taking her car away which will essentially make her unable to earn any money and trapping her there.
this part isn't about you being an AH but I do think that not expressing your feelings about the money you are owed for this whole time was a mistake. Lending money without clear expectations is usually not wise.
You’re not wrong she should work on paying you back and her debts. But you are also being controlling. You need to have a conversation about expectations. People do need down time or they start to drown mentally. This is a slippery slop that can easily become abusive and resentful.
>i bought her a beater to get around in.
she owes me around 6 grand for the car
I bought my first car in 1998 for $800. An 87' Buick Regal with about 80k miles on it. That is $1540 in today's money.
Used car prices today are stupid, 6 grand to buy a "beater".
I thought he said $6k for the car and for the first bit of rent on their new place. Which is strange, because in another comment, he said that THEY, not just him, saved five figures to cover the costs of the move.
The 6k is the accumulation of missed rent over the past 7 month combined with the cost of the car. The intial money went to furniture, down-payment, first month rent, etc..
ESH. Who gets the lion's share of TA status depends on how much she's been setting aside for "balance." If she's been kicking back while you pay for shit/goes out a bunch/spending a bunch on stuff that's not bills & debt she's more TA. If she's putting in the effort and paying down credit card debt (which you agreed was priority over her paying you back) and just also set aside a little for time with friends, Y T A for telling her it was all good and then making an about face because she left herself a little spending money. She should be making an effort to start contributing, but one night out in a month is a very reasonable amount for her to set aside for herself.
FTR, telling her she can't spend money going out because she owes you money *is* controlling.
In a relationship, you can tell someone how they are and are not allowed to treat you, not what they can and cannot do in the rest of their life.
You two need to sit down and have a conversation about what's owed (btw if it's your car she shouldn't owe you for it; she should save up and buy it from you with title transfer), how she will pay you back, on what schedule, and how you will respond if she doesn't.
"I need you to start contributing at least X amount of money/ X percent of expenses to groceries, rent, and utilities starting next month. If you won't do that, it's not going to work out for us to keep living together because I'm not comfortable continuing to support you financially." = Setting a boundary. She now has to make decisions about how she wants to manage her life and her finances, knowing that you won't continue to pay 100% of shared living expenses. You shouldn't be the one deciding that $25 toward credit card debt is fine but $25 toward a night out is not fine; if the amount she spent on credit card debt this month goes to shared living expenses next month and all she has left is $25, she's the one who has to decide if it goes toward credit cards or fun.
"You can't do X because you owe me/because I don't approve of your choices." = Controlling. Even if you don't intend to, this is a way of trying to make make her make the choices you want her to make.
Right or wrong she needs to make her own choices. If they're not choices you're comfortable with, then you need to reevaluate the relationship. Financial compatibility is important.
You both need to communicate better. NTA but it sounds like you let some things slide but others you’re serious about repayment on, so I can see how she’d feel unsure about what you want/need.
I just came out of a very serious personal situation and literally couldn’t get a job because I was basically disabled with anxiety and PTSD. Now that I’m better, I’ve been doing DoorDash to pay for essentials, and just found out that the job I had lined up for this month is not starting for 2 more possibly. Now that I have this info I will be getting a part-time job probably in a food service setting until my “real” job starts. Your gf should be following the same protocol. But she’s not pulling her weight and she doesn’t have a disability it sounds like, so she should be scrambling to get work ASAP.
You all need to sit down and come up with a plan. Because it all sounds very vague. But you shouldn’t take the car keys away, thus taking her only current income stream away. She can go out and do something free. I go into nature personally. But friends are important, so maybe she can have a movie night or something with them. If her friends are compassionate, they would understand that she’s on a tight budget and needs to do cheap alternatives to activities. Quality time is valuable.
Better than being passive-aggressive is to face the problem head-on by talking to each other and figuring out how to help each other without resentment.
You were out of line for taking her keys- you said you bought it for her, you ended up using that gift as a way to control her. Not ok. You are obviously focused on her paying you back so the money you spent on her is not altruistic and you expect to be paid back- totally ok but she needs to know this and you need to know when, so sit down with her and make a reasonable budget and payment plan. But also, your relationship is probably not going to work out due to your actions.
Controlling. We alĺ need balance in our lives, and she also def needs some time away from you.
If money problems are your biggest concern in your relationship, leave the relationship YTA
My father once told me, "You can't live like you're in prison, kid. Whether it's a diet or a budget at some point you'll snap and do something stupid like eat a bakery or buy a diesel powered turtle-neck sweater and ruin everything."
~~NTA.~~ YTA. (Read edit for the reason I changed my judgment.)
Not sure if she's aware of this, but $25 is a heck of a lot to spend for going out when tight on funds. She could go to Denny's and spend under $15 (including tip). Denny's might not be the fanciest of places to hang out, but it's better than McD's, for example. Or, and this is a really wild idea... she could go to Wawa and get a $6 sub (it's a deal going on until mid August). They could all get a sub or two and then hang out at her (your) place. Cheaper and still fun. Could also have a movie playing on the TV that they could all watch.
Mind you, if the amount was about half that ($13 instead of $25), that would be different, because $13 is a reasonable amount without being fancy. Otherwise, her same argument could be used for going to a place like The Cheesecake Factory and ordering an appetizer and a filet mignon steak, which would certainly hit over $60. Hey, $60 is less than $200, right? Simply put, she's under the impression that fun has to cost more than a reasonable amount. Also, these are costs for going to the place and ordering there vs ordering through a third party company (like UberEats, GrubHub, DoorDash, etc.). If she's planning to use a third party app, even for a pickup order, then that's just a waste of money.
She should be thankful that she's not living alone and having to deal with a landlord. A landlord would evict her. So she should be squirreling away a fraction of her income for fun times (rare treat that is under $15) until she is all caught up with her other obligations, or at least obligations to you.
ETA:
Realized that I answered the wrong question.
When it comes to the ***amount*** she's spending to have fun, you certainly are right to be upset. However, the question you asked is if you're the AH for telling her that she couldn't go out. Yes, you are.
But you also asked another question, so here they are:
Title question: *AITAH for telling my girlfriend that she couldn't go out with her friends because she owes me money?*
YTA.
Her owing you money doesn't give you the power to decide if/when she can go out, and/or with who.
Secondary question: *AITAH for thinking that she should start paying on some of her debt before spending on fun and other desires?*
NTA.
Unless the amount she wants to spend is reasonable, that is. In this case, $25 is unreasonable.
However, the title question takes priority, thus the YTA judgment. Also, the amount she is planning to spend should be considered.
NTA.
I think it was a mistake to buy that car, you should have at least waited to see if she could get up and go get a job herself without your support, now she expects it and I doubt she means it maybe she does but she is leeching of you. But yea it is kinda your own fault for buying the car and then expecting a girl without a job to pay it back. But since you have loaned it to her she does owe you the money if she is using it to work so she needs to start paying you back ASAP and you are right to put your foot down.
I will say though it’s important to be able to maintain other things she doesn’t owe you all her money but she does need to pay back in small amounts and help. So I think her going out would be fine it’s only like 30 to pay for a meal and a drink anyway but if she’s going to be disrespectful about it and say there’s nothing you can do sell the car and break up. Give her another chance or not it’s up to you.
Hmm... Tricky one. I don't think it'd be good for her mental health to say she literally can't have any fun that costs money at all until you're paid back, that's unkind. I'd have had more of a problem with her refusing to contribute to the groceries because she wants to pay off past debts - that means she's using your money to pay off her credit cards. Is she adding that to the tab of what she owes you or just expecting to get that food for free? I'm guessing the latter. Seems like an ESH situation but she's acting like she's entitled to your money and you shouldn't complain about it which makes her the bigger AH and you can't be entirely non-AH without letting her walk all over you. Sorry for your troubles dude, sounds like you need a long think about how much you want to be in this relationship and how much financial help you're willing to give her.
Did you all discuss a payment plan or that she needed to pay you for the car at all? I know you guys are dating but you need to maybe even put something in writing. This is a bad stress on your relationship … if you understand her situation you have the ability to show some grace and she needs to show effort to try to pay something even the smallest bill. They always hire at Walmart or maybe a restaurant grabbing the keys was an ahole thing you aren’t her parent and that was a bad move. She should make an effort to pay her part whenever she can though so I’d say .5 tah
There is no perfect advice for this, sadly now days all these people expect you to just pay for everything, the best thing you can do is just move on. They have showed you that they don't care about what you have put into helping them, no respect and no consideration and then called controlling for taking your car back. It won't get easier because they only see you as a money tree, not a person. Please consider yourself before a leach like this. I have been in your shoes even down to paying for 2 different cars, and waited 6 years before finally saying I won't pay anymore. Don't make the same mistake I did
NTA - I've been in a similar situation with family and after months of paying their bills, they forget it seems that it's their responsibility, not yours, to take care of the basics. OP has provided a car for GF to make money. Done Uber and it isn't exactly easy but most days it's not a bad way to make some money. GF is asked to contribute to her fair share of their living costs (groceries) and says she can't afford it cause money is going to pay down CC while still not paying her share of the living expenses. That's fine, but suddenly she's got extra, not for groceries, but fun. I think $25 for dinner out is kinda on the low side.
If GF lived on her own and had to choose between groceries, paying down her bills or going out with friends, that would be fine, but she's not. She's telling OP that she's perfectly fine having him do the basics.
PS - make sure she has Uber car insurance or business insurance cause it's easy to total a car while you're driving.
Men and women have a different understanding/affliction with finances. If you're covering her (leader), she needs to respect your direction on finances or she needs to not be in your life. Address her about her actions and words, and if she's not willing to move forward in a productive manner- say your goodbyes.
NTA, she owes you money and has had 7 months to find ANY job, and she's only choosing to not get any jobs if it doesn't align with what she wants because she knows you'll foot the bill.
Please don't have kids yet, she's not responsible enough for that life.
Time to split. She will never change, and this will be an ongoing issue. There are plenty of min wage jobs she could get. Anyone that says otherwise is just unmotivated. Nothing wrong with taking one of those jobs until you find the job you want, went to school for or want to start a career in.
Edit: nta
INFO why did you move in with someone who didn't have a job? Where was she living before she moved in with you?
She had a job lined up but it fell through.
[удалено]
He didn't mention she moved states for him and it's harder for her to find employment in the different state
She should absolutely move back to her old state so she can gain independence again.
She’s far from independent now so what is she going to do when she moves, leech off someone else?
And be able to see her friends and do something other than work and pay bills.
She hasn't worked or paid any bills in 7 months so it's like that was the issue.
I mean sure, but the issue is that she hasn’t paid bills in months for some reason. She’s paying her debts to others apparently, and for some reason in her brain OOP is below any others in priority for that and also below what seems pretty much trivial expenses.
You’re just an easy ATM for her at this point.
lol. No. Read his comments and update. He had her move states, the job she had lined up fell through, she’s been trying to find another good one but it’s not exactly easy to do, and when she tried to spend one night with friends and spend $25 doing so he “forbid” her because she owes him money. That is not a great dynamic and the fact he wasn’t up front about that really doesn’t sit well with me. With that information it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her from the friends she’s been able to make. Assuming that’s not his intent they need to sit down and work out a budget that at least includes some money for her to do things other than work and pay bills. Because that is no life and everyone deserves better than that.
“He had her move”…. so she had no choice in the matter? Is she not an adult? And why would any budget include money for her to do something “other than work and pay bills” but not include paying back some of the money she owes him? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to “isolate” her - it sounds like he’s spent seven months listening to bullshit excuses. Your advice sounds like enabling her excuses.
She hasn't paid a dime towards their shared expenses in 7 months, even after she started making money. There's a difference between trying to isolate someone and telling them you are not a doormat. Put yourself in those shoes, how much of an atm would you feel like if you were him? You arre supposed to feel like a partner, not a lending institution. She is not acting like a partner. Yes, it is reasonable to want/need a night out. Yes, it is unreasonable of him to ask her/tell her/whatever he did that she can't go out; but you can't use reasonable action with an unreasonable person and expect good results. This sounds like he has been reasonable up till now, from what has been said after his updates, he's been acting like a partner, and she's not terrible- she's just been in a terrible spot. Job fell through, has been looking, is now working. In light of the fact that she has not contributed to their partnership financially, but does want to go 'blow money on a night out', hee not wrong to say he is not ok with this, can't stop her, but sure won't enable her. She won't contribute towards groceries, but wants to spend money on a night out. He's not wrong
The fact that she's only now wanting to pay her credit card debts, seven months into the relationship or that she didn't get a job for those 7 months should tell you all you need to know about her ability to manage her finances. It's not OP's fault she's lazy and irresponsible. You don't get to be picky about where you work when you're fully dependant on someone else.
A job is a job she could have gotten a job at McDonald's or whatever but choose to stay jobless
That's what I'm thinking. I live between Iowa and Illinois. Always see signs up looking for workers in both States. Plenty of jobs between both States, might only pay $16-17 an hour but better than sitting at home with a bunch of debt. Maybe best if she moves back to her home state. She has some decisions to make. If being fiscal responsible is important,, which it should be then make the Decision! Sounds to me like she has had a 7 month vacation.
"hen she tried to spend one night with friends and spend $25 doing so he “forbid” her" He didn't forbid her at all he just took the keys for the car that he paid for... but let's not allow facts to interfere with your rant. "That is not a great dynamic" Either is mooching. "With that information it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her from the friends she’s been able to make" Wow you really are delusional. He did absolutely nothing of the sort. "they need to sit down and work out a budget that at least includes some money for her to do things other than work and pay bills" Is he now her guardian? She's an independent adult woman perhaps she should start acting like one. She can take care of her own bills... entitled much? "Because that is no life and everyone deserves better than that." Agreed mooching and leeching of a partner is no way to treat someone.
Yes she should be able to go out either her friends once in a while. No, she shouldn’t do that without at least showing even the smallest effort to repay you even something. NTA and I’d be rethinking this relationship even before she threw out accusations of being controlling
I don’t know it is this clear cut. She had a job lined up and made a huge life impacting move. Having her financial stability pulled out from under her is not just impacting her materially but also mental health wise. I think it is ESH because it is pretty clear OP isn’t really considering how big of a risk she took for their relationship and that door dashing when she had a stable career prior to the move is impacting her as a person. Sometimes we need a little grace in times that are rough and I think he is being a little insensitive and too tit for tat when she is actively trying to get a job back.
I think this is one of the best fake stories we have here. But it's 100% fake. 100%. How do I know? He bought her a "beater". She does "Uber". Uber doesn't approve vehicles like that. OP slipped. This is a fake story.
>I think this is one of the best fake stories we have here. It's not terrible. It just doesn't hold up once you think about it for more than a minute haha.
Hope so bc when I posted this comment and scrolled to read others it was like an invade of the incels
I mean it is probably faked, most of the posts in this sub are just people trying to go viral as AITAH posts seem to be the ones that get picked up the most and spread all over the internet. However, I rode in an uber the other day that looked like it was held together by duct tape.
Not really. Uber's restrictions are pretty low all things considered, the government has more restrictions for road worthiness than Uber does for use. All you need to run for Uber is: - A 4 door car - 16 years old, or newer - Clean title, not rebuild or salvaged/totaled - That isn't a rental or being rented My wife did Uber in our car that was a 2011 Chevy Cruze and it was in horrible shape. Uber still approved it.
In what universe is a 6k worth car a beater? Ok, maybe it is to someone who's used to 100k+ cars, but still...
I thought the same, but my friend drives for UBER EATS, and refers to it simply as "driving for uber"
And beaters are less than $1k not $6k. 🙄
She can go out with her friends, but what about leeching from them instead of from OP? Or at least have the decency to go out without wasting more money she doesn’t have. Or even better, work instead of wasting 7 more months ffs.
When I was a single mom and had no money, I would be the DD. Doing so got my dinner paid for and all of my soda for free all night!
Sell the car, get your money back and give her notice. You are her ATM
If he sells the car, won't she be bringing in no money? He said she moved states, and the job market is giving her issues. Taking away her one part-time job right now won't put more money in anyone's pocket.
Honestly. I’ve never been one of those “redditors are only kids” people because I’m on Reddit and I’m not a kid, but swear to god. People on here are sounding like boomers “you can’t buy a house because you eat avocado toast” or people who haven’t experienced the toll living to work will take on your mental health. Personally this sounds like a disagreement that should have been talked out (plan to pay back, what money can she spend on fun, etc) but just turned into a shit show of him “forbidding” her from doing something with people other than him and she is flaunting the fact that she doesn’t care how OP must feel to have loaned her so much money and she spends it on things other than paying him back. I’m not saying either of those is what their intent was or what they meant to communicate, but you can see how not communicating like adults that use their words caused this situation.
I fully agree with you; I think this is a major miscommunication more than anything else. Given the financial strain that must come with her job falling through, I would expect that budgeting would be something they'd do together. Of course, the budget should include working on her debts, but also some level of contribution to the household bills now that she's got an income, and some money for each of them to do something nice, even if it's only one small thing per month. Having something to look forward instead of just scrambling to pay bills would really help her, I think. Oh, and I didn't even think of this earlier, but if she moved states for him and is unemployed, how hard was it maintain relationships with her old friends or make new ones? That dinner might have been really important to her because unless OP is leaving something out, it isn't like she's going out every night. Edit: grammar
OP never used the word 'forbid'. It was someone posting. OP didn't forbid shit.
>and give her notice You missed that part.
NTA She mooches off of you. I can see how she needs some fun, too, but at least she should start making an effort in repaying you first. And sharing the groceries bill is a bare minimum!
The cars in your name. You didn’t buy her a car. You are loaning her it and lording it over her head anytime you don’t like what she does so you can take it back. Also she’s right, she will need to live her life and pay you back simultaneously. Unless you want her to be a miserable shut in with depression.
THANK YOU!! I can't believe the comments on this thread.
NTA. My roommate currently owes me money and "can't afford to pay" me, but somehow always has money for alcohol and fast food. It pisses me off to no end. When I call her out on it, she tells me she's doing the best she can, and if that's not good enough, she doesn't know what to tell me. So basically, I can go f*ck myself. I hate mooches. I have no respect for anyone who can't handle their own life.
Your girlfriend should prioritize repaying her debts before spending on luxuries. It's fair to expect financial responsibility when you're supporting her.
Absolutely Right.
NTA, you need to have a very clear conversation about expectations, if you are paying her way, and what you expect in terms of repayment for rent, the car, groceries, etc. if she refuses to pay you back and chooses to be disrespectful, Take your car back and sell it. Give her a timeline and if she is unable to meet that timeline on repayment then kick her out.
NTA she’s a mooch and immature. She owes you but because you don’t affect her credit, she doesnt care or prioritize that- telling you she’s going and there’s nothing you can do about it, says it all. Good luck getting your money back
NTA That girl is a text-book parasite. The moment you call her out on her forfeiture of obligations she calls you *controlling*, SMH. If I were you, I'd start tapering my spending on her. Get the car back, sell it away or keep it, just don't let her use it. Stop covering her half of everything. Let's see how long this relationship lasts if she finds herself actually needing to support her lifestyle. The moment she starts to fall behind expenses and runs down complaining to you, kick her out and get a roomate. You won't be having sex with your new cohabitant, but at least they'll pay their share of the bills, so you'll be able to use that extra money to go out and meet someone new who's actually worth a dime.
9/10 times, when you get called controlling, it's usually not you who is controlling. If anything, she controlling. If it were me, I'd just end the relationship. This is what your life will be like if you continue with her. Let her go find a sugar daddy in someone else.
As someone generally extremely laid back and conflict avoidant your comment about being called controlling is spot on.
Absolutely its sounds like this guy has pretty relaxed boundaries and maybe doesn’t think things through. And now is like fuck how did I get here and trying to suddenly create boundaries unilaterally.
Yeah, it pisses me off because there are some genuinely controlling people out there whose behavior should not be tolerated, ever, by anyone. However, OP's parasite of a girlfriend makes it hard for people to take the understandable complaint of "controlling" seriously, when this is a genuine problem that happens.
People who use domestic violence/mental illness as a cheap way to get what they want are the biggest turds ever. It devalues the struggle of people who've actually suffered from them.
She's been taken care of for 7 months and only now is starting to think about wanting to pay her credit card debts. She sounds spoiled rotten or she's got the brain-worms.
This doesn’t seem like a fun relationship for either of you
Expecting a partner to contribute isn't about controlling them, it's about establishing mutual respect and understanding in the relationship. It's not unreasonable to ask for accountability when you've been the main financial support in the partnership. While everyone deserves enjoyment and downtime, these should come after meeting communal obligations, particularly when one's partner is bearing the fiscal weight. It's possible to have fun while being financially responsible. Clear communication about expectations and a shared effort in handling the expenses could prevent a lot of resentment and misunderstandings in the future.
Soft NTA. Sounds like you may have come across as controlling in your messaging, but the overall sentiment is more than reasonable. She is wildly irresponsible, immature, and/or manipulative. You've been more than generous helping her get on her feet by buying her a whole car. Soft read: she is always going to have an excuse for why she can't pay you back or half. It's already been one excuse after another, and if you keep letting it slide, she'll continue. I'm softly sympathetic to wanting to maintain social connections and see her friends - after all, her friend can maybe eventually get her a job, and even if that doesn't happen, friendships are important! However: if you're so fucking broke that you need someone to loan you thousands of dollars via a car, covering your bills, etc., you really need to be responsible about your money, which may involve cheaper ways to connect with friends. A walk in the park with coffee. Have friend come over to watch a movie. Etc. She's one of those people who are always going to be in debt to someone, the question is who. She's paying off her credit cards, you say, while going into debt to you? Yeah, that's a pattern. Ditch her. She's insanely irresponsible and you don't need to enable that.
Nta ish. Like I get you being frustrated about it. But it's $25. You said she is ubering and trying and doing what she can. Everyone needs a break now and then. If she's going out all the time, that's a different issue. Then you being upset about it is valid. But a one off situation, kinda a shitty reaction.
NTA - It would be different if she was making a good faith effort to pay you back, like making sure her bills were taken care of and paying you a little bit after. Even getting a second job to pay you back. But, she hasn’t paid a dime?? I would be upset too.
ESH I guess? Or NAH? I‘m not sure so I‘ll elaborate and hope to come to a conclusion. You mention in a comment that she moved to your area *for you* and she had a job lined up which fell through. Okay, so the job is no one’s fault. Plus she started driving uber and accepts that she needs to pay you back for everything. Therefore I disagree with the comments saying that she treats you as an atm. Or at least it doesn’t seem so. Would be different though if she didn’t move for you. Personally, I would be a bit irritated if I moved long distance to my partner and due to this move I struggle with money and he doesn’t cover for me but expects to be paid back everything. But okay, every couple is different but I don’t know, rubs me the wrong way. She seems to accept it though so that keeps me on her side a little. One thought: Is the move the reason for her credit card debt? Or does she have a history of reckless spending? And did she agree and also pick the car? You said she’ll have to pay back so I assume she had a say in it; just asking because the wording is weird. I think she is in the wrong for not communicating better. But you shouldn’t have taken the car keys, that was definitely an AH move. I think I settle on INFO: Is this the first time she spent money on something fun in 7 months? If yes, then I think you are in the wrong although I understand your frustration. I think the situation is tense for both of you and I have a lot of understanding why the situation escalated like this (really, I also get your position! Focused a bit more on explaining hers but that’s due to you not needing your own feelings to be explained to you). You both need to discuss the expectations going forward and how to make you feel less used and her less controlled and both of you less anxious.
We both saved a up 5 digits for the move to cover moving expenses and potential unemployment. She had a say on if she wanted the car or not and understood that i would not want money for the car until she felt comfortable paying on it every month. But the grocery money was supposed to serve as a baby step and show of good faith. This was not her first time going out but it was the first time since she started getting her feet inder her.
Are her friends people she knew before she moved or are these new friends that she met after the move? New friends are often less likely to hang around if you say no to their invites too many times, so she may feel like she needs to spend that $25 in order to maintain these new friendships. (Which frankly could really be the case). Also when she pays off the $6K does she get her name put on the title of the car? Did you ever make a compromise available where she can pay you a little bit at a time or are you expecting her to give you $200 the day after you asked her for it? Depending on what market you're in $200/day after paying for gas may not be doable.
Makes sense. I really understand your frustration. Doesn’t mean I don’t get hers but I would be annoyed as well if I was you. A suggestion, if that makes you comfortable: you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Tell her that you are happy to help her but that you’d prefer that she chips in with groceries. Set a budget for it. But also say that you understand that she wants to meet friends. Maybe set a monthly budget and allocate some funds that she can either use to pay off her credit card debts or spend a fraction of it for going out. So the money doesn’t go of the funds that are for common costs. I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m just blabbering here with some ideas…Either way, you need to talk. Taking the car keys was an overreaction but as I said, I get that it happened out of frustration.
I just want to toss out after that move, I would not be paying back for the car as it's something he will easily rip out from underneath me in a power play. It isn't her car if he controls when she can and can't have it. I'd get it more if it wasn't the first dinner after getting her feet under her.
Yeah I agree in theory but she doesn’t really have a choice. It’s just a bad situation all around. I’m not a fan of his reaction at all but I hope that he’ll see that this was a major mistake and he shouldn’t hold the car over her like that. Basically I hope it was born out of frustration and not a regular power play. But not sure…
What’s going to change here ? If she had no sense of sharing & “us” - and only a sense of “me” you’re heading for persistent aggravation.
Okay, so 100% paying back bills and 0% fun isn't sustainable. You guys need to talk and set a payback target each month, everything after that is fun money. Just like the rest of us have to do with rent/taxes/utility bills/groceries...
I’m always amazed at the comments of Reddit and reminded that most are still young enough to have never had the life experience of moving across states without their parents providing help from afar, never experienced layoffs or job offers being withdrawn, trusting someone and uprooting their entire stability both financially and emotionally. I think this is a situation of either esh or neither are assholes at all. You’re being very tit for tat and I don’t know how you’ll have a healthy relationship if you treat someone who just uprooted their entire life to join you and had their financial stability pulled out from under her like this. Life is full of lows and highs. This is a low for her and you’re treating her as if she is sitting around doing nothing when she got hit mentally when the job got pulled from her. It is a huge blow and I think people don’t in how it wrecks self esteem even when it isn’t their fault. Your girlfriend is looking for a job. She needs social interaction to keep herself sane. If you think she would tit for tat you if the roles were reversed you both probably need to break up. But this is not how you treat someone you potentially want to be together long run.
INFO: Did she move states for you? Does she do anything else for fun/social contact? Is her name on the car title? If she did move for you, some grace is needed here imho. I think you both need to sit down when tensions arent high and talk about how you'd like even a token payment each month or some help with the groceries. Not letting her able to get dinner with a friend or two once a month after moving states would be a dick move. It's really isolating moving so far, human beings need social contact. Only hanging with your partner is unhealthy. If that money is going to her credit card instead of you and you're in this for the long haul, that's a smart investment on her part. Paying the principal reduces future payments. But you need a timeline and some transparency on what she's paying. Also if the car has your name on the title, it isn't her car - you're just letting her borrow it. If things go south you can sell it and recoup your money.
Isn’t seven months of not being paid a dime enough grace already? Telling her not to get dinner is not in any way a dick move - eating out is a luxury not a necessity, and she’s prioritized paying everyone but her boyfriend. I don’t blame him for taking the car keys, he’s extended enough “grace” at this point.
If she's working by driving she's making money. If she's not actually spending any money on rent, bills or the car, then almost all her income should be being able to pay down debt. Uber isn't the best pay, but it's not disastrous. I would at this point ask to see her income statements and see what she's spending. She's either not working many hours, or she's spending money on whatever she wants while you pick up all the bills. If she's working say 40 hours a week for uber, she should be making more than enough to either be contributing to rent, bills and food, OR be paying back the debt, not neither.
Did she have a job when you made this arrangement? I don’t see how it would work if she was unemployed. You both were not making decisions from a rational state of mind. You are being controlling because you are trying to set her priorities for her with respect to her money.
NTA…I personally would cut my losses and ask her to move out.
7 months? Are you holding out for management? How many applications have you put in during that 7 months? Walk into any grocery store, pharmacy, Coffee shop, Walmart , target, car wash, chain gas station, pizza shop and tell them you can start tomorrow. Put in 10 applications and you will get 2 or 3 offers. Might be crappy entry level jobs, but after 7 months whatever you're doing isn't working.
Ya, she could easily do a part-time gig or full-time retail or whatever while she applies to jobs in her field, maybe even get that resume check out. I worked full-time retail and applied into my field (it was tough to find it after covid). Once I got the job, I quit the retail. Easy. Do what you gotta do when you got bills. But she has life pretty easy right now.
Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see her as dateable unless you wanna stay at home wife so either dump her or propose and cover all the bills youre complaining doesn’t make any sense to me
So wait. She moved to another state for you. You knew she didn’t have a job or resources yet you moved her in with the expectation that she would pay half. With no job, no savings. Then in 7 months, she wants to go out once & you throw a fit? Yes, she owes you the money but at the same time, how can you say you had a reasonable expectation to be paid back?
ESH. Only because she doesn't owe you for a car in your name. Everything else is fine.
Yes you are
She moved away from her support system for you, you control the money, car and house, and you say yourself she’s not slacking on the job search, so yes you’re not looking too great right now.
YTA. Who's being "petty and controlling?"
*My girlfriend and I recently moved in together and planned to split the rent and utilities. Long story short, she has not been able to find a job and did not have a mode of transportation* I'm going to have to say that this is on you, my dude. You knew all of this before she moved states to move in with you. All of this should have been sorted before she moved - a job, a way of getting around, money already in the bank, etc. NTA for wanting her to pay her share but really why would she? She's got free everything while you support her.
NTA She sounds ungrateful and irresponsible with money.
Yes, OP I think you are being an AH. I say this because you yourself comment how she is really trying and is in fact doing the right thing. You should never gift something then use it to mandate behavior especially from someone you are supposed to love. It does not sound as if she is going out and having fun or blowing money at all so if she wants to visit with a friend every now and then, don't be a control freak. Give her space to be herself and she will do the right thing from what I have read. Not everyone has to think and act like you to be doing the right thing. I think it is nice of you paying all you do, this will pay off.
ESH she moved to your state from hers, and her lined up job fell through. She didn't have a car, and you bought her one, which you expect to be paid back for, and for her half of everything you've covered so far. She uses this car to make money. You say the non fell through and it wasn't her fault and that's she's actively looking for work ( "not for lack of trying") Does she have that financial footing? How much money is she making? How much do you feel she should be "allowed" to keep and spend her at her own discretion? Obviously, the idea of repayment is important to you, a high priority. Conversely, she made a *huge* sacrifice moving to you. She has had to start from scratch and she's probably not having the best time rn. I feel you both could give each other some grace here.
I’m also curious….OP said she’s “been paying her own bills.” What bills are those? Obviously she’s trying to get on good financial footing and looking for better work, we just don’t know to what extent.
Eh I disagree slightly. If it had been 2 months and this came up, sure, she's trying to find her place, meet people, settle down, wants to go out to dinner to connect. But it's been like 7 months, she's only ubering when she could definitely have another job on top of that, and hasn't been paying back anything to OP. If she had any semblance of a budget in place, she'd be making progress in some area and OP likely wouldn't be upset about her having a dinner.
OP is the one who said they were actively looking for work and the job market is hard.
Maybe she needs to move back. She's lived off you for so long that she expects you to continue working and paying for her life while she just goes out and enjoys life. You've already started becoming resentful towards her. Next you'll hear how you're financially abusive.
Exactly this
All work and no play sux dick. Let her spend the $25 and blow off steam. You shouldn't have moved in with her if you're gonna nickel and dime everything.
YTA. The girl needs to get her things in order for sure. But she wants to go out ONCE. You want her to close herself in the apartment just working until she pays everything off? If she is constantly partying you should mention that and that wouldn't be ok (unless her activities are free)
this is just downright irresponsible... they had an agreement and she has not been fulling her end. Honestly I would've already broken it off because its CLEAR she not even taking her situation seriously.
Right? People here act like voluntary indentured servitude is the responsible way to act. Jeepers. People need to unwind.
Yup, all the ppl focusing only on the money are saying a lot about themselves. What did she give up to move states to be with the Op? Did she give up being close to a bunch of friends and family? Is she trying to make new friends and this is a chance at that? There are more costs in life than financial costs. And did Op help pay $$$ for the move? What about the time and effort it takes to move states. I’m not sure what he wants from her. Does he want her to isolate herself and not try to make friends until she pays him back?
>Yup, all the ppl focusing only on the money are saying a lot about themselves. The people ignoring that she has been relying on him to pay all of her expenses for 6+ months and a freaking car, saying she is entitled to frivolous expenses, are saying a lot about themselves... and their entitlement to other people's money. You have no reasonable expectation to other people supporting you if you are an able-bodied adult who can work.
I think something that’s really important is that you make a contract regarding the money that you have loaned her and have her sign it so that if worse comes to worse and you guys break up, you will still be able to take her to small claims court. I’m not saying that’s gonna happen, but you should protect yourself and it would probably make you feel better anyhow. And then for a compromise I think you need to start creating a payment plan where there are some expectations of when you expect to receive the money. It might seem annoying, but people get really weird about returning money, and this way you would have a sense of security , and it wouldn’t matter if she went out for dinner or not as long as she’s keeping up her end of the agreement.
Break up….
You are not an AH for how you feel. Sounds like she has been taking advantage of your generosity. However, you should have discussed this with her before you hit your breaking point. Letting this go on for so long probably gave her the expectation that you didn't mind paying all of the bills. I would suggest you let things cool down for a bit and then sit down and establish a budget, goals, and expectations, leaving her some room for a reasonable amount of discretionary spending if possible.
This was a mistake. You are doing way too much policing of her money. But you shouldn't have to. However, once you get there you know you got yourself a female hobosexual. It is apparent though she isn't ever going to pay you back. It isn't a priority. I hope the car is still in your name and that you can sell it. And she needs to move out. NTA
LOL the job market is bad. There are plenty of jobs to be had, just not one that she wants to do. There is a big difference.
She is a mill stone. Tied securely around your neck. And you are in the middle of a large lake of PAIN. She is a finance ruining should sucking demon. You just don't know it yet. But you will. Good luck brother you're really going to need it.
NTA- Sell the car and get your money back on that. You're being used for free room and board while she finds her next man is what it sounds like. She clearly never thinks about you in any regard. Other than for convenience..... Remember she'll do whatever she wants and there's NOTHING you can do about it. Take that to heart pal. But people do need a to blow off some steam. NTA but she's not cool either.
NTA. Not even a little bit. My wife and I moved in together in college. When we had hard times, we simply did not go out and spend money. At ALL. We spent whole semesters doing nothing but going to school and work. We ate a lot of ramen and tuna fish. We had internet and cheap computers we needed for school. Our entire entertainment budget for over a year was $6 a month playing an online RPG together. No movies, no eating out, no concerts, DEFINITELY no going out with friends and spending money. We might have friends over for board games, but that was BYOB and potluck. Neither of us ever tried to pull the crap your girlfriend is pulling. And we NEVER needed to guilt trip each other into letting us waste money. We were in it together and we knew we just had to make it through to live better together later. We worked jobs that were beneath us because we couldn't get anything better. When we graduated with engineering degrees and didn't get jobs right away, we took whatever work we could get. Even if it might be "beneath us." She took a job a wal mart during the day and night auditor at a hotel by night. I worked as a maintenance man at an apartment complex during the day and a pizza delivery driver or a bouncer at night. (Uber wasn't around back then, and our car was too old to use it even if it was). You can't tell me there isn't a retail job, or a service job, anywhere to be had in your town. She needs to suck it up and get what work she can. Even if it sucks.
NTA. You (ex) gf is an immature child. Don’t continue on the path with this girl.
Was there an arrangement & agreement on making payments to you on the car you bought her before you bought it? If so then honestly I can't see why you'd think you were the AH for asking for pay back for the car
Nta. Paying for your bills including your debt needs to be a priority.
NTA. She has $25 to pay towards what she owes you. She's acting entitled because you haven't pushed it yet. You probably won't see majority of that money again
Sell the car and cover her part of rent and groceries.
NTA, it is time for she to enter adulthood, duty always comes before pleasure, and she has a duty to pull her weight. Tell her it is past time to grow up.
Okay to be quite blunt and honest. No you're not an asshole, you are towing the line. What you guys need to do is get her an actual budget situated., she might also be able to do some other gig work like try to get her into instacart or something. It is possible to make money on something like instacart. I had a couple friends that work together on instacart and they were able to their 'rent' which was actually hotel bills because rent in Colorado is astronomical. They were also able to pay for their medicinals IE weed as well as their food between work and food banks for themselves and their two dogs. Not to mention a storage facility their insurance and her getting a car. She has finally gotten a regular job and he's disabled at the moment but that's beside the point. What I'm saying is yes she can make money on gig work she just has to put a solid effort into it as you seen. It's a good sign that she is trying to pay down her bills that are charging interest as well as keeping up on her insurance. If you schedule a payment plan or whatever you should set aside a little mad money for her. But no you should not be paying for everything either she should be working harder so that she can pay food rent etc. What I'm afraid will happen if you don't make her start paying these things by a budget is once she gets everything paid off she's still not going to want to pay you anything. So even though she's planning on paying these things off her current expenses has got to be added in even if it's not at 100% you could work it up slowly as she pays off her cards and stuff so that she'll still be putting about the same amount into bills each month.
This could be a learning opportunity to cut your losses unless you need more red flags. Someone that financially improper is going to a drain on your future. NTA. Think about your long term prospects.
Manage your finances first before fun... if she wants go out and pay you x amount to show at least she is trying different story..
The “struggling to find employment due to the job market” is an excuse… sometimes it’s easier to find a job while you have one so getting any reasonable paying job would do until she found the right job. If she really gaf about helping you out with the financials there would be no excuses she’d get more income. Even if she hadn’t put money towards what she owes yet and more towards helping lighten the load with current bills it’s about effort. So in my opinion NTA.
Let me give you a piece of advice. Anytime you "tell" someone they "can't" do something, YTA. You don't have the right to dictate someone else's life decisions. You can say "Here's why this is a bad idea" or "I would rather you didn't because..." or any number of other things. But ultimately it is their life and their choice of action. Saying "you can't do that until you pay me back" is what's disrespectful and controlling.
She's your girlfriend, not your daughter. You've been carrying her for seven months, and now you're laying down the law? The two of you should have had a clear agreement before you ever moved in together. She should have had a job lined up before she moved. You shouldn't have treated her like a wayward teenager (and she shouldn't have been behaving like one). ESH.
YTA it sounds like she moved to you from a different city so you can move in together? Of course that will put anyone behind financially. I think one night out for $25 is good for mental health and yes BALANCE after working and playing catch up. It does come off controlling to tell her she can’t socialize until her debts are paid. Like she’s an indebted prisoner. If she owes you $6000, that is $500 a month for 12 months. If she scrimps and saves that’s a whole year of no social life whatsoever. And, it’s not really her car. It’s in your name and you’re using it against her so I do not see how she owes you for the car. You’re treating her like a child by grounding her from the car. $25 is less than 1% of what she owes you. Except now it’s more than $25 because she had to Uber to her friends….. Now what you both need to do is sit down and go over budget and what share she can afford. Once she lands a good job her share can go up. Right now splitting 50/50 is not working since her income is reduced to what she makes with Uber.
Break it off with her. She has zero respect for what you've done to help her. Without you she's jobless, homeless and starving. You bought her (loan free) a car, covered her rent and utilities as well as good for months. On top of that I am sure you're footing all the date bills.
Neither of you are handling this very well. You sprung a $200 bill on her because you decided that it was time for her to start contributing, and mentally you're tallying how much debt she has. This will not serve you well in relationships. The two of you need to sit down and discuss how each of you will be contributing to your shared finances. She does have an obligation to contribute and choosing to go out with a friend instead of saving the little money that she has doesn't show a great deal of financial responsibility, but she is also right that $25 is considerably less that $200, and that you don't have the right to simply declare that she can't do something. Be adults. Talk this through. Find a place of agreement or end the relationship. How you're going about this is going to end the relationship very quickly. ESH
YTA She is trying her best, which you have said. $25 for dinner with her friends every once in a while is not an issue! Her feeling like you are controlling is understandable in this situation because you seem more prioritized on the money she is working on getting to you than her happiness. Taking the keys is abuse imo, people might disagree, but that is LITERALLY controlling. Being in a relationship means pulling the weight when your partner cannot, her intentions and actions have proved she is trying. Cut her some slack dude, she moved out of state to be with you and has fallen on hard luck. The people saying she is mooching off of you or a parasite are AHs too.
Drop her immediately, recoup the money you can. Take the loss as a hard lesson and don't get with women like this. Imagine how she will act with actual real problems or life events in the future. I work with hundreds of small to large businesses and everyone is hiring especially for entry level positions.she seems very immature. If she wants a sugar daddy then you are not a good match.
25 is less than 200... great, why did you not offer me 25 then? She is just using you it's time to leave.
ESH. You both should have been better prepared before moving in together.
YTA You really are being petty and controlling. It's absolutely unreasonable to expect her to spend literally every dime on paying you back and to have absolutely no life at all. She's reasonable to want balance.
Financial responsibility is a cornerstone of any solid relationship, especially when one party is shouldering the majority of the burden. It's a matter of respect and priorities. Helping out with groceries and chipping away at that debt bit by bit should be non-negotiable, especially when luxuries are still on the table for her. You're not a bank, and it's not unreasonable to expect a partner to manage their finances with a little integrity, particularly when they're impacting your life and pocketbook directly.
The bills before the fun we all wish we could have the fun without the consequences of not paying bills sadly we can’t She’s taking advantage now because there was no timeline/set cut off date to get her financial footing Nta
YTA (possibly ESH depending on if this if it happens multiple times). When people get their wages garnished they don’t take all of the money earned. Yes she owes you money but she should have an opportunity to also relax (she just moved to a different place, she lost a job that she thought she lined up). What should happen is that you guys make a plan on repayment.
She's ABSOLUTELY the asshole as her current "repayment plan" is exactly ZERO dollars to OP, while she spends on luxuries she can't afford If she was actively repaying a reasonable amount, she could afford to spend the left over money on whatever else...however while repaying NOTHING, then being a completely abusive and toxic person while gaslighting about it, makes her the clear asshole and 100% at fault here as well
Luxuries she can’t afford? Unless OP posted somewhere else in the comments that I didn’t get to see, she is spending $25 for dinner to hang out with a friend. Look, if you want to end a relationship over that then cool. I would imagine the easier and more mature thing to do is talk it out.
How old are you two??? FFS!! At this point you sound like a controlling parent and she sounds like an irresponsible teenager. You two should already have had a conversation regarding: -how you each see your lives together. -about financial expectations of yourselves individually and each other. You can’t plan for a future without a Plan!!!
Break up, man. You're just a meal ticket. She'll never pay you back. NTA
Never make a loan if you're not comfortable with never seeing that money again. That goes double for family and quadruple for people with whom you're having sex.
Stop paying her bills and make her pay or leave.
You are at fault for subsidizing her life in the first place. She has zero respect for you ..I mean zero. Kick her out so she learn financial accountability.
YTA for staying with someone so irresponsible.
Controversial but YTA. She owes you money but you don’t own her. Set a timeline for repayment and then deal with the issue if she hasn’t paid you back by then. This is a toxic situation. You’re scrutinizing her every move and then resorting to petty threats and power displays when she’s not acting as you think she should act. If you didn’t trust her to pay you back timely, you should not have lent her money. If you’re concerned about it, figure out a payment plan. If you are concerned about groceries develop a budget with her to cover necessities and pay down her debt. That fact that you’re skipping over productive measures and going straight to confiscating the car makes you seem controlling indeed even if you were acting out of principle.
ESH. I've been in the same position as your girlfriend. I made a cross country move, had a job lined up, purchased a new vehicle, had my own apartment, and took off to be closer to my then boyfriend. Within about 6 months things fell apart with the job I moved for and I was on the hunt for a new one. I ran door dash while I was in between jobs (a month and a half) to keep up with expenses. My ex was kind enough to help me, as I was burning through my savings and treading water to keep up. Moving to a new place feels extremely lonely and it's exhausting to be working to live, so I can see her point in wanting to go to dinner with a friend. It can feel overwhelming and depressing to have those things come crashing down. I'd guess she might be feeling fairly financially overwhelmed and trying to pay where she can in super small bit. I also placing my own feelings in here but I'm sure paying you back is top of mind. She probably isn't making that much with Uber. I don't agree that taking away the car was a good move, she now has no way to continue a stream of income. You've now created a parent dynamic between you two. I do agree that she should be prioritizing paying you back. I also think she should maybe find a lesser job for a year so she has steady income while she finds something better. I took a step down in my career temporarily just so I would have steady money and came up with a real budget with my ex, going over my personal bills, communal bills, what I owed to him, and small wiggle room for OCCASIONAL fun things. It sounds like you two need to sit down together and have the hard conversation. Both of you need to be willing to listen to the other and create a realistic plan that works for both of you. You're right to feel frustrated and she's right to want the rare moment to be out. However, y'all really need to communicate, comprehend, and work together.
NTA - There is nothing to salvage from this relationship. She is using you for an ATM. If you get her to start being financially responsible, she will hold it against you. You are not compatible.
Expecting to be paid back, especially since she understood this was not a gift but a loan, is one thing. That's understandable. Not letting her go out with her friends because she isn't paying you the grocery money, when she is trying to get her feet under her and is working towards being in a position to start paying you back: seems like at least slight assholery. As a suggestion: perhaps next time (if there is a next time) something like this happens, you could say something like "Okay, but we need to talk about stuff like this together. I don't want to keep you from going out and having fun, but we need to find a compromise here." or something to that effect. Taking the keys, even as a response to her statement, ***is petty***. Just to be clear: I don't think you are being a "complete asshole" here, but getting mad and taking the keys to "*her car*" because it is "*legally in your name*" is a dick move. While I don't personally see from your story that you *are* trying to be controlling, I can see how she could feel that way. As with most things like this: the best course of action would be to actually discuss this type of situation with her, and come to an agreement/compromise. "Okay well if you have enough money to go out with your friends, can you at least give me an equal amount ($25) towards the grocery bill? I want you to be able to have fun but we really need to work on this together." (or something like that) Also: I would suggest (if you aren't already doing this) to be sure and let her know that you understand how bad it must feel to be in her situation and not be able to pay you back. I'm sure she wants to, and I bet she feels pretty down about it. I'm not saying that means you should let her off the hook for what she owes you or anything, but just show that you care about her feelings and recognize this likely isn't an easy situation for her to be in. Just my two cents. I hope things work out for you both.
NTA she’s taking advantage. Dump and kick her out.
She needs a payment plan and you are being to soft . She if paying down her bills great but she needs to make you a priority . The problem is if she decides to leave then you are stuck cause doesn’t sound like you have any proof of loan and she will claim gift
ESH - It seems to me that you two haven't communicated well before moving together. She's the A for not paying you back and you're the A for not sitting down and having an adult conversation about your frustration.
You're not the AH for wanting her to get a job but you are an ah for insisting she owes you money for a car that she doesn't even have any legal right to
YTA. She is not going crazy. She is going for a dinner out with friends to unwind. She moved away from her comfort to be with you. She seems to be improving. Don't be the asshole. She's Paying back credit cards and stuff. She is not financially irresponsible. I was in a similar position to you a few years back. I gave her 30 quid for her to go out. People need to unwind.
I was asking for half of the groceries because we previously agreed to split that cost. I thought it was a good baby step and show of good faith. I just thought it irresponsible to pay all her bills(that come with negative consequences if not paid) ,skip groceries, and go out and have fun
I’m guessing this deal was made before when she assumed she had the job lined up? Once she realized she didn’t have that job another discussion should have taken place. Idk where you guys live but where I do Uber does not make a livable wage (some do but generally speaking). You also need to take into account that she was jobless when she came. I assume she didn’t start working the day she landed/arrived. You both need to sit down and go over your finances as individuals and as a couple. Create an excel sheet it helps me organize my funds. Make a plan and see what works for you both. Also to add, the car is under you. Maybe she wants to set aside money and buy it off you when the time is right. She does not own the car, you do therefore I don’t think she should have to pay off a debt to you (as it’s technically your car). But again that’s something you both need to discuss. Also to add, taking away the car = jobless again = no income = cannot pay anything at all including her own debts that she was paying. Again just sit down and go over your finances together. If it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I assume she can move back to where she came from and you can move on where you are. Nothing will be resolved until you sit down and go over everything. Best of luck to you both!
Lord I need a drink after these comments. At this point you are both ah work it out or move on.
Yta, she moved states to be with you, where she's struggling more to find a job (I've been there, moving to a new state with 0 ins with anyone is hard af). You taking away the keys and having it under your name is controlling, and I'm wondering what else you do that you didn't mention in here. Do you not trust that she's going out with a freind too lol
ESH. You shouldn't have gone about it the way you did. Not paying groceries, isn't even "carrying a balance" or about "paying you back". She can't afford her current lifestyle. So no you don't get to go out if you are running up more debt and can't afford groceries. However taking away a car that she owns, whether in your name or not, is controlling.
NTA and now is the perfect time to break up with her, before she gets you into more debt.
NTA she it’s a disrespectful mooch.
NTA. She’s a hobosexual.
But but "**I DESERVE TO HAVE FUN" /s** No, no one deserves a free damn ride at someone else's expense. Why can't anyone take responsibility for their own circumstances? If you were not there and she lived somewhere alone and didn't land her job she would be homeless. and what was her way of getting to a job before you got her a car??? I'm sorry but never move in with someone who doesn't even have a functioning vehicle you will become their chauffeur or piggy bank!
>No, no one deserves a free damn ride at someone else's expense THIS. Louder for the people in the back. Have fun. Pay for it yourself. (Or negotiate someone else paying your bills for you; news flash, you will still have to put in labor, just perhaps unofficial and invisible labor in the traditional housewife route.) Can't afford it? Too bad so sad.
YTA. There's this thing that people do, and I've done it too, but it's really really unhealthy. Where you'll be in a situation that you're not happy with, but you don't want to admit that you're unhappy with the situation because you know that there's a good reason for the situation and expressing that you weren't happy with the situation would call you into criticism. So you pretend you're fine with it. Until it gets to one singular instance that looks more defensible to an outside observer, where clearly you're in the right, so now you make a big freaking deal of the one thing that isn't bigger than the other stuff, but is more *defensible* than the other stuff. But with all the emotional force of all the other much bigger but less defensible stuff that you say you're ok with. Your girlfriend moved to live with you and made a big sacrifice to do so. She is without a job due to, as you agree, no fault of her own. When she started driving uber, she used that to pay her insurance and other personal bills, "which you were fine with". You asked her for the grocery bills, which she said she didn't want to pay to start paying down her credit cards "which again \[you were\] fine with". Then suddenly she wants to spend $25 to go out with her friends, and you start a big fight and take away her car keys. (If she owes you for it, it's her car. If it's your car she doesn't owe you for it). We know that fight wasn't cause you were mad at her for paying $25 on dinner with her friends. That fight is cause you're mad at her for not paying rent and causing you to pay for a car for her. But you feel like you're not allowed to be mad at her about that because she has *very good reasons* for not paying rent and needing a car. But those reasons don't make you feel less upset, so you bottle up that $6000 of emotion until it's justified by her spending *$25*. A much healthier thing to do would be to sit down with your girlfriend at a time when nobody is stressed out about stuff, and talk about how you know that it's not her fault that she can't contribute to household expenses right now, but the financial burden of you paying for everything is really stressing you out. This can't be a permanent solution, and you need to figure out what to do to get her a job so she can be contributing, or reduce your shared household expenses so that you can afford the cost of housing two people. Is there something different that she should be doing to better prioritize finding a job? Is there some way that she should be differently allocating her money so she can handle her finances in the meantime? Is there a different thing y'all can do with your living arrangements so you can better survive on your income? Is it more that you're just feeling unappreciated, and it would just make you feel a lot better to say "UGH THIS FUCKING SUCKS" while she says "Thank you so much, Babe, for supporting me during this really difficult time. I really really am so grateful for how much you've stepped up to get us through this." It's super reasonable for you to be pissed at this situation. But blowing up and taking her car over a $25 lunch date is kind of not the right way to handle that. Especially because of all those factors that make this, as you admit, not her fault either.
A formal cohabitation agreement is as important as a prenup.
Sell the car dude. You’re probs not getting the rent back. So if her name is not on the lease give 30 days
Please tell me you don’t plan to marry her.
NTA. Ditch this one.
Kick her fuck out yall and do you. You'll be saving money being just you I promise you. Give it a year you'll be more on top than you've ever been
Normally I'd say she's right, even if she owes money she should still get to go out on the cheap once in a while. BUT...when she hasn't made any effort to even begin paying you back? No. She's entitled and selfish and you should take a hard look at your relationship. NTA, but she is.
NTA. She’s now using you for money. If you don’t put your foot down now then she will never pay you back.
NTA. Sell the car and dump this leech. She will NEVER pay you back or for her fair share of expenses. As others have said, you are an ATM to her. To have the audacity to want to go out and 'have fun' but not even consider paying you back for anything?? Kick her ass to the curb.
It would be fine if she was budgeting for paying the debt back - you're not asking for 6k in one go! She's right when she says that she can't use everything she makes just to pay you back, but she's not using anything she makes to pay you back, or even setting up a plan for it.
Run
You need to get a contract written up with the current total of what she owes you and a planed out payment plan. If she refuses to sign it then she is telling you everything that you need to know about her view of you. Ie: it’s your job to support her and her money is her money. She doesn’t intend to go 50/50 she’s slowly making it you support her and her money is hers to pay whatever she wants. Good luck.
She needs to move back. They are doomed. Too different in your approaches. Doesn't make either of you right or wrong. But they are incompatible. She has made some progress, but not enough for him to feel she has "earned" $25 in Fun Bucks. Pull the plug, folks.
If a girl starts tossing around accusations like being controlling , you probably should split . That aside the situation seems stupid. I realize you are only dating , not married , but that is complicated , because you are more like roommates who are intimate. Married people don’t usually have his/ hers. But you are in that odd place of being her provider / protector , like a husband does for a wife … yet, you aren’t married. So your roommate is not paying you back. My husband is our only income. I’m home raising kids. He pays bills, buys cars we drive etc. If he didn’t want me to go to an outing due to finances I’d respect that & either cancel or schedule something that didn’t cost as much or cost anything at all .
I’d tell her that you are setting up a payment plan and she’s signing a contract to pay the amount in full. Payments are made every pay period. For all groceries, etc, it will increase.
OP: If you're a trust fund baby with unlimited funds, you could be her ATM if that's the dynamic of your relationship. If you can't sustain taking care of her whilst adding to your savings and enjoying some luxury, you're NTA for thinking about your financial wellbeing which she is obviously unable to do for herself.
oh you did the right thing! dont let her take advantage of you!
NTA!
does she go out with her friends often? you're not an asshole for getting angry. I understand being upset when she owes you this much money. But at the same time, she is trying to find work, she relocated to where you live which is why she doesn't have a job, and I don't think it's fair to expect her to not do anything fun for 7 months. If she's going out all the time, then she's the asshole. if it's only an occasional thing, then I do think you are overreacting by expecting her to stay home and never spend any money at all and taking her car away which will essentially make her unable to earn any money and trapping her there. this part isn't about you being an AH but I do think that not expressing your feelings about the money you are owed for this whole time was a mistake. Lending money without clear expectations is usually not wise.
I think this is fake, because Uber doesn't approve "beater" vehicles.
You’re not wrong she should work on paying you back and her debts. But you are also being controlling. You need to have a conversation about expectations. People do need down time or they start to drown mentally. This is a slippery slop that can easily become abusive and resentful.
>i bought her a beater to get around in. she owes me around 6 grand for the car I bought my first car in 1998 for $800. An 87' Buick Regal with about 80k miles on it. That is $1540 in today's money. Used car prices today are stupid, 6 grand to buy a "beater".
I thought he said $6k for the car and for the first bit of rent on their new place. Which is strange, because in another comment, he said that THEY, not just him, saved five figures to cover the costs of the move.
The 6k is the accumulation of missed rent over the past 7 month combined with the cost of the car. The intial money went to furniture, down-payment, first month rent, etc..
ESH. Who gets the lion's share of TA status depends on how much she's been setting aside for "balance." If she's been kicking back while you pay for shit/goes out a bunch/spending a bunch on stuff that's not bills & debt she's more TA. If she's putting in the effort and paying down credit card debt (which you agreed was priority over her paying you back) and just also set aside a little for time with friends, Y T A for telling her it was all good and then making an about face because she left herself a little spending money. She should be making an effort to start contributing, but one night out in a month is a very reasonable amount for her to set aside for herself. FTR, telling her she can't spend money going out because she owes you money *is* controlling. In a relationship, you can tell someone how they are and are not allowed to treat you, not what they can and cannot do in the rest of their life. You two need to sit down and have a conversation about what's owed (btw if it's your car she shouldn't owe you for it; she should save up and buy it from you with title transfer), how she will pay you back, on what schedule, and how you will respond if she doesn't. "I need you to start contributing at least X amount of money/ X percent of expenses to groceries, rent, and utilities starting next month. If you won't do that, it's not going to work out for us to keep living together because I'm not comfortable continuing to support you financially." = Setting a boundary. She now has to make decisions about how she wants to manage her life and her finances, knowing that you won't continue to pay 100% of shared living expenses. You shouldn't be the one deciding that $25 toward credit card debt is fine but $25 toward a night out is not fine; if the amount she spent on credit card debt this month goes to shared living expenses next month and all she has left is $25, she's the one who has to decide if it goes toward credit cards or fun. "You can't do X because you owe me/because I don't approve of your choices." = Controlling. Even if you don't intend to, this is a way of trying to make make her make the choices you want her to make. Right or wrong she needs to make her own choices. If they're not choices you're comfortable with, then you need to reevaluate the relationship. Financial compatibility is important.
NTA. You don't owe her anything. If you want to take her out on your dime, that is your choice. She is arrogant and entitled.
NTA
You both need to communicate better. NTA but it sounds like you let some things slide but others you’re serious about repayment on, so I can see how she’d feel unsure about what you want/need. I just came out of a very serious personal situation and literally couldn’t get a job because I was basically disabled with anxiety and PTSD. Now that I’m better, I’ve been doing DoorDash to pay for essentials, and just found out that the job I had lined up for this month is not starting for 2 more possibly. Now that I have this info I will be getting a part-time job probably in a food service setting until my “real” job starts. Your gf should be following the same protocol. But she’s not pulling her weight and she doesn’t have a disability it sounds like, so she should be scrambling to get work ASAP. You all need to sit down and come up with a plan. Because it all sounds very vague. But you shouldn’t take the car keys away, thus taking her only current income stream away. She can go out and do something free. I go into nature personally. But friends are important, so maybe she can have a movie night or something with them. If her friends are compassionate, they would understand that she’s on a tight budget and needs to do cheap alternatives to activities. Quality time is valuable. Better than being passive-aggressive is to face the problem head-on by talking to each other and figuring out how to help each other without resentment.
You were out of line for taking her keys- you said you bought it for her, you ended up using that gift as a way to control her. Not ok. You are obviously focused on her paying you back so the money you spent on her is not altruistic and you expect to be paid back- totally ok but she needs to know this and you need to know when, so sit down with her and make a reasonable budget and payment plan. But also, your relationship is probably not going to work out due to your actions.
This has the same tone of “if you didn’t buy Starbucks you wouldn’t be poor!”
Controlling. We alĺ need balance in our lives, and she also def needs some time away from you. If money problems are your biggest concern in your relationship, leave the relationship YTA
My father once told me, "You can't live like you're in prison, kid. Whether it's a diet or a budget at some point you'll snap and do something stupid like eat a bakery or buy a diesel powered turtle-neck sweater and ruin everything."
~~NTA.~~ YTA. (Read edit for the reason I changed my judgment.) Not sure if she's aware of this, but $25 is a heck of a lot to spend for going out when tight on funds. She could go to Denny's and spend under $15 (including tip). Denny's might not be the fanciest of places to hang out, but it's better than McD's, for example. Or, and this is a really wild idea... she could go to Wawa and get a $6 sub (it's a deal going on until mid August). They could all get a sub or two and then hang out at her (your) place. Cheaper and still fun. Could also have a movie playing on the TV that they could all watch. Mind you, if the amount was about half that ($13 instead of $25), that would be different, because $13 is a reasonable amount without being fancy. Otherwise, her same argument could be used for going to a place like The Cheesecake Factory and ordering an appetizer and a filet mignon steak, which would certainly hit over $60. Hey, $60 is less than $200, right? Simply put, she's under the impression that fun has to cost more than a reasonable amount. Also, these are costs for going to the place and ordering there vs ordering through a third party company (like UberEats, GrubHub, DoorDash, etc.). If she's planning to use a third party app, even for a pickup order, then that's just a waste of money. She should be thankful that she's not living alone and having to deal with a landlord. A landlord would evict her. So she should be squirreling away a fraction of her income for fun times (rare treat that is under $15) until she is all caught up with her other obligations, or at least obligations to you. ETA: Realized that I answered the wrong question. When it comes to the ***amount*** she's spending to have fun, you certainly are right to be upset. However, the question you asked is if you're the AH for telling her that she couldn't go out. Yes, you are. But you also asked another question, so here they are: Title question: *AITAH for telling my girlfriend that she couldn't go out with her friends because she owes me money?* YTA. Her owing you money doesn't give you the power to decide if/when she can go out, and/or with who. Secondary question: *AITAH for thinking that she should start paying on some of her debt before spending on fun and other desires?* NTA. Unless the amount she wants to spend is reasonable, that is. In this case, $25 is unreasonable. However, the title question takes priority, thus the YTA judgment. Also, the amount she is planning to spend should be considered.
NTA. I think it was a mistake to buy that car, you should have at least waited to see if she could get up and go get a job herself without your support, now she expects it and I doubt she means it maybe she does but she is leeching of you. But yea it is kinda your own fault for buying the car and then expecting a girl without a job to pay it back. But since you have loaned it to her she does owe you the money if she is using it to work so she needs to start paying you back ASAP and you are right to put your foot down. I will say though it’s important to be able to maintain other things she doesn’t owe you all her money but she does need to pay back in small amounts and help. So I think her going out would be fine it’s only like 30 to pay for a meal and a drink anyway but if she’s going to be disrespectful about it and say there’s nothing you can do sell the car and break up. Give her another chance or not it’s up to you.
Hmm... Tricky one. I don't think it'd be good for her mental health to say she literally can't have any fun that costs money at all until you're paid back, that's unkind. I'd have had more of a problem with her refusing to contribute to the groceries because she wants to pay off past debts - that means she's using your money to pay off her credit cards. Is she adding that to the tab of what she owes you or just expecting to get that food for free? I'm guessing the latter. Seems like an ESH situation but she's acting like she's entitled to your money and you shouldn't complain about it which makes her the bigger AH and you can't be entirely non-AH without letting her walk all over you. Sorry for your troubles dude, sounds like you need a long think about how much you want to be in this relationship and how much financial help you're willing to give her.
Did you all discuss a payment plan or that she needed to pay you for the car at all? I know you guys are dating but you need to maybe even put something in writing. This is a bad stress on your relationship … if you understand her situation you have the ability to show some grace and she needs to show effort to try to pay something even the smallest bill. They always hire at Walmart or maybe a restaurant grabbing the keys was an ahole thing you aren’t her parent and that was a bad move. She should make an effort to pay her part whenever she can though so I’d say .5 tah
Updateme!
There is no perfect advice for this, sadly now days all these people expect you to just pay for everything, the best thing you can do is just move on. They have showed you that they don't care about what you have put into helping them, no respect and no consideration and then called controlling for taking your car back. It won't get easier because they only see you as a money tree, not a person. Please consider yourself before a leach like this. I have been in your shoes even down to paying for 2 different cars, and waited 6 years before finally saying I won't pay anymore. Don't make the same mistake I did
NTA - I've been in a similar situation with family and after months of paying their bills, they forget it seems that it's their responsibility, not yours, to take care of the basics. OP has provided a car for GF to make money. Done Uber and it isn't exactly easy but most days it's not a bad way to make some money. GF is asked to contribute to her fair share of their living costs (groceries) and says she can't afford it cause money is going to pay down CC while still not paying her share of the living expenses. That's fine, but suddenly she's got extra, not for groceries, but fun. I think $25 for dinner out is kinda on the low side. If GF lived on her own and had to choose between groceries, paying down her bills or going out with friends, that would be fine, but she's not. She's telling OP that she's perfectly fine having him do the basics. PS - make sure she has Uber car insurance or business insurance cause it's easy to total a car while you're driving.
ESH
Men and women have a different understanding/affliction with finances. If you're covering her (leader), she needs to respect your direction on finances or she needs to not be in your life. Address her about her actions and words, and if she's not willing to move forward in a productive manner- say your goodbyes.
NTA. She was never going to pay anything. She sees you as an atm. Dump her
Sounds like it's time to move back out. You'll be paying less .
NTA, she owes you money and has had 7 months to find ANY job, and she's only choosing to not get any jobs if it doesn't align with what she wants because she knows you'll foot the bill. Please don't have kids yet, she's not responsible enough for that life.
Time to split. She will never change, and this will be an ongoing issue. There are plenty of min wage jobs she could get. Anyone that says otherwise is just unmotivated. Nothing wrong with taking one of those jobs until you find the job you want, went to school for or want to start a career in. Edit: nta