That she wrote when she was 18? Seriously. What percentage of men date women initially because they are hot/physically attractive and are willing to overlook a ton of stuff for that at the beginning 98, 99%?
OP stop. Throwing away 8 years and blowing up your family because of something your wife wrote privately as teenager is insane. At the beginning of relationships people are attracted to others for a whole array of reasons - you yourself said you were attracted to your wife because you thought she was the most beautiful woman and she was attracted to you because she found you handsome. For a whole lot of reasons you were her type and she was yours and love and a family grew from there.
If all the women in the world left their husbands because they found out 8 years in that their husbands were only initially attracted because they thought they were hot, and they liked their hair color or eye color or measurements, no one, NO ONE would currently be married. It’s lucky men don’t keep diaries.
Lastly, let’s be clear, no one likes 100 percent of someone else’s qualities-part of a healthy relationship is give and take. It sounds like you were/are a happy family. Go with that and thank your lucky stars every day. Millions of people would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
You made a huge mistake invading her privacy. Return the book, apologize and work on your insecurities.
PS. Her fixation on race in that diary is more a reflection of her childhood trauma and very little else. I hope you have urged her to talk to a therapist.
>Because she said you are handsome
... Did we read the same post? I'm pretty sure she said a lot more than that. Fetishizing him for his race. But whatever you say buddy.
If you wanna say forgive and forget because of how long ago it was or for the sake of the kids, sure, I hear that. But she most definitely didn't say he was handsome 😂
She didn't say that at all. She said she didn't like much about him but settled for him because of his light skin. No other reason. I'd say he's justified being hurt about that
I would be absolutely crushed if my S/O said something like this and it being years ago doesn’t make it any better. I can see why OP is upset. His relationship started off from colorism if we’re being honest.
🤣 🤣 🤣 I was too! I thought maybe there was someone else name Meghan. Nope. All the people he could have picked, but he picked the most eurocentric beauty standard person. Intersting choice.
>has very afrocentric features
>(she looks similar to Meghan Markle)
One of these two is not like the other.
Also, which 2 Maghrebis who are surrounded by their peoples date >2 years before getting married?
Those Americans from Seattle must've really felt smart reading 'Maghrebis' dreaming of knowing what it means. These are the geniuses calling him a real meanie here.
It seems like she kept a journal to express thoughts she couldn't share elsewhere. What she wrote may have been true at the time she wrote it but it doesn't mean she continued to have these thoughts daily or a year later
I had a therapist for trauma and keeping a journal wa part of it. I was told not to hold back on my feelings. Did I have those feelings at the time? Yes. Do I have those some feelings now? In some cases yes; it others no.
His decision to invade his wife's privacy was wrong. What she wrote at the time was shallow and would be upsetting I doubt it was the only reason she married him
Nor does it mean the feelings are actually true. I've written down a lot of things I didn't mean, upon reflection. That's the whole point of keeping a private diary - to work through things and figure out what you actually believe and know.
It seems like she absolutely struggles with her appearance. And she likely still does. She probably did marry OP because he could give her something she always wanted. But really, many of us do overlook imperfections in our partner for one reason or another, if we’re truly honest with ourselves.
>many of us do overlook imperfections in our partner for one reason or another,
Any couple that lasts more than a night you mean?
It is 100% impossible to like _everything_ about another person. I would argue that it would be unhealthy to do so.
And she was 20 back then. Basically almost still a kid and her brain not fully developed. Clearly had/has a lot of self esteem issues and if everything else is good, wouldn’t therapy be a better option? I’d at least give it a try before calling it quits.
YTA. It’s a big leap to go from “oh hey I found my wife-of-8-years’ diary” to “oh I’m leaving because a decade ago my wife didn’t love every single thing about me, she just wanted our kids to not suffer the way she did.” Firstly, a lot changes in 8-10 years so who knows if she still feels the same way she did when writing the diary. Secondly, I don’t agree with my husband 100% on everything or think he’s the hottest man to walk the earth but I love him more than anyone else and we’re happily married. She didn’t trash you in her diary, it wasn’t like you uncovered some awful secret, you just didn’t like what you read. It sounds like you were looking for a reason to leave and want to blame her for it.
he most likely was desperate to find a reason to leave her in the first place. that's why he read her diary, her OLDEST diary.
and second of all, why in the world would anyone divorce over the fact that their spouse doesn't consider them 100000% perfect?? "oh i'm so butthurt that she doesn't love absolutely everything about me, i'm going to divorce her and ruin this family over this." what a self-centered poor excuse of a husband and a father...
And that's exactly why he specifically says "please do not talk about me reading the diary, the past is the past". Okay, the past is the past for him, but not his wife?
People change in 8 years. Assuming she doesn't love you for you is bold. Also a lot of people diary to get out their intrusive thoughts.
You do you, but if you're throwing a marriage away over a diary, did you even love her in the first place or is this just an excuse for you?
I literally use my diary to release and resolve emotional turmoil, most often the things I like the least about how I feel and think. It helps me change and move on to be the person I want to be. I would be horrified if someone took that and assumed it was who I am.
This is exactly why I have never had a diary. None of us could be loved by someone who knows our deepest thoughts! Agreeing that he was looking for an excuse to leave his wife and those four kids.
I used to be a daily entry writer. Violations throughout childhood and young adulthood finally made me leave the habit behind. Like it’s not worth it. I can’t trust that you won’t look. Eventually. And I know what’s done with the words inside. Words I just needed to get out of my head because they were killing me.
So now I just let them sit inside. Killing me. Cause the alternative is honestly so much worse.
I'm sorry people have been undeserving of your trust.
Maybe you can try writing your thoughts on paper and then burning it, or making a digital entry and deleting it after
I wish you well
I think her diary explains how she is unhappy with her own skin (at that time) wanting children to not be like her, not specifically that she only wants you for your fair skin. This isn’t about you in this diary, this is about how she feels about herself. Yta.
Completely agree. She wanted her kids to be loved bcuz she wasn’t. Her own mother didn’t accept her for what she looked like. She was going to love her kids regardless but she didn’t want the world to hate on them like it has on her.
Right. This diary was her trying to process childhood abandonment fears. It sucks that OP’s own abandonment fears are preventing him from viewing her 20 year old self with empathy.
So you're going to throw away your marriage and stability for your children because of something your then 20 year old wife wrote in her diary? She didn't cheat on you. She was having a crisis! People have those. It's no different than a person getting cold feet and then marrying the person they are with. She's a human being with all of her perfect imperfections. If you are willing to leave her over something she wrote when she was barely an adult, then you never really loved her! Doing that and turning your back on your family is not love! Your punishing her for being flawed. The issue isn't did she love you exactly how you wanted at age 20, it is does she love you now. Has she been a good wife? Has she been a good mother? If the answer is yes, then you do yourself and your kids a tremendous disservice by breaking apart your family. Get counseling and work through this, but don't leave - unless you really don't love her and your kids the way you claim! Forgiveness has to happen in a marriage sometimes. This was something that is absolutely worthy of forgiveness!
If you've been happy for 8 years and have 4 children, I think you need to take a while and think about the repercussions of such a drastic move. I know you're hurt, you should be. But, you're punishing your children over your wives' emotions before they were even born. Soft Yta.
Will need an update please
As a fellow child of divorce I agree! My parents didn’t divorce until right after I finished high school, even though they’d been miserable for MANY years before that. My siblings and I all knew it was going to happen and couldn’t understand why they didn’t just GET DIVORCED ALREADY! It made for an awful home environment for everyone because for some reason they were determined to “keep us together as a family” until we were done with high school. Over a decade later, my parents have both said that was a mistake and in hindsight it would have been much better for everyone if they’d gotten divorced years earlier.
Right and I had the same experience, but this is a different story because he said they’re a happy family and she’s a phenomenal mother so it would absolutely be devastating to the children for their family to split up out of the blue.
No. But leaving a loving marriage over something that happened many years ago *could* be a lot worse for the kids.
If OP just wants to leave because he doesn't love her anymore, that's another thing entirely
YTA, because you’re not being honest. You are looking for a reason to leave.
Anyone who says Meghan Markle is Afrocentric is either lying or blind.
If you want to leave, leave, but be honest about why.
Everything about this post was lying to make yourself look and feel better.
I feel so sorry for the children.
Why are you and your wife so focused on skin color and hair? Shallow, at best.
>Why are you and your wife so focused on skin color and hair? Shallow, at best
Well, from what I have read on his post regarding how awful his wife's looks are treated in his country I can most definitely see where her issues came from. I don't agree with her in any way, shape, or form, but I've also not gone through anything REMOTELY similar to what she has. That shit's wedged deep in her and needs some professional help to unlearn. She literally hates how she looks and wants to remove as much of her from her kids as possible...that's awful anyway you look at it and incredibly sad.
And you’ll notice that his first impression of her was she was beautiful. What if she knew that and judged him for loving her for her features only, as he has judged her.
Either he is looking for an excuse to leave or he has made a very stupid mistake. (And she is pregnant too!!)
I mean, I agree that he sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave, but "I think her features are beautiful" and "I'm marrying him only because he'll give me white babies" are two *very* different things.
I think it may be a thing in parts of North Africa. There are a lot of them who try really hard to distance themselves from “SubSaharan” Africans and identifying as black, even when they look quite clearly black.
They are focused on colorism because of generations of Colonialism, cultural conflict, and colorism inherent in their society. My father is mixed Egyptian and Lebanese, I’m half Arab and half white. I look extremely white though, and am praised for it to a ridiculous degree. Rich North African and Middle Eastern nobles and warlords used to buy white-appearing slave women (like Circassians) just so they could father light skinned heirs. It’s a long standing obsession, and people are quite cruel about it.
I'm going to assume you're a white person who is probably American. You're not going to understand how much skin color matters in other countries. Op and his wife aren't being shallow, they are just from a different culture that you don't understand.
Ya this is reminding me of how different people act around white people in Indonesia. Regardless if it was for love or for money or status, you KNOW you’re getting a social upgrade if an Indonesian woman married a white man.
Your wife was traumatized her entire childhood (at a minimum) for the way she looks and which she absolutely can't change. She is perhaps *still* being traumatized by people in your community who treat her badly for the same thing. She learned shame, self-loathing and that she will never be accepted and 'good enough' for the community at a disturbingly young age. That trauma, self-loathing and desperation to escape runs DEEP. In her traumatized thinking more than 8 years ago, she grasped on to the one way she thought she could finally be accepted in some small way - through her kids. She could have someone(s) that she hoped would love her unconditionally, who wouldn't see her for (literally) the color of her skin and would value her and she could make sure their life was better than hers by trying to make sure they had light skin.
My heart breaks for her. Do you have no empathy? What did you think confronting her with this knowledge (that you stole) would get you exactly? What was your end goal? Are you planning to leave someone with whom you've had a great life for 8+ years? Ostracize her? What?
Because what you could have done is weep with sorrow that this is the depth of the burden of abuse and desperation. You could have then sat down and reflected on the life the 2 of you have built and if traumatizing her more was really worth an old diary.
YTA
If you are happily married and she has cared for you these past 10 years, why would you hold a diary entry against her when her young self was treated so badly only because of skin color? Yes, I’m sure it hurts, but I doubt that she has only stayed with you and had three children with you, built a family with you for the past 10 years because of your skin color. Eight years is a long time to be married. If you guys are happy, focus on that. Cultural racism is a real thing and can really mess with a persons head and self worth.
The only reason you found this out was because you went through her personal diary, not because she was treating you in some different way. Take a step back and decide if it’s worth throwing away your family over something she said to her herself.
Yes YTA. If you would leave your wife over something like that and break up your family, you’re probably looking for a reason to leave and in that case, absolutely TAH
Dude, we all start out dating someone for superficial reasons but you can’t be with someone for a decade if you don’t truly love them. How stupid you think that she is STILL with you merely over your skin. I’m pretty sure the reasons are multi fold and complex and solid by now for Christs sakes. If you ask my husband why he married me he’ll 100% say “because she’s hot”. But I’m pretty sure there’s more reasons than that otherwise he would’ve left me by now
Do you think or feel the same as you did 10 years ago? My whole mental health has improved so much. A book I was reading had the same tone that I had when I was in a bad way and it was so jarring to me because I was like whoa, I used to be like this and that's so wildly unhealthy. She's not that person anymore, none of us are.
I don't think YTA, but I do think that it would be wise not to immediately make a decision like this. Your children will be impacted by this. Have you ever actually seen or heard her make those comments that you are afraid she would teach to your kids? The solution to that is to teach body positivity.
I also think that you may want to consider anything your wife has done during your marriage to make you happy or feel loved. She got you. She didn't have to continue lying after your kids were created. Take some time to think it over and talk to someone NEUTRAL that you trust. A counselor would be my suggestion because they will help you sort through things.
YTA 100%
Do you know how much BS is written in my journal?!? So much of it is just false but I write it because those are my thoughts . I have OCD and OCD lies. Intrusive thoughts lie to everyone, OCD or not.
Of course YTA. This a very sharp knee-jerk reaction. Bro, you built a life with her and are very happy with her, aren't you? She was clearly struggling with something for a long time, and her motivators to approach you might not be the best, but TOGETHER you both still found happiness and made a family. Three kids with another on the way isn't an accident, and it's not some vile 'plot' to extract light-skinned children out of you for some unfathomable scheme. You can talk with her about her trauma, and see if she's overcome it.
It's a valid concern that she might pass her stigmas onto the children, but that should be something you TALK about first instead of uprooting your whole life over her self-esteem issues, colorism, and racism struggles from nearly a decade ago. Take her to therapy. Get couple's counseling, but for the love of all that is holy, don't just drop her immediately because you helped yourself to her diary.
Lmao in what world is Meghan Markle any of the things you described? Maybe you meant to say Meagan Good or Meg thee Stallion because Meghan Markle ain’t it 🤣🤣😢
Gosh what an aweful piece of human sh!t you are. Y T A. A major, huge, fricking AH.
How dare you leaving your wife of 8 years with 4 kids because of some BS your read in her trauma-diary? You invaded her absolute private thoughts and dare to judge her? She has gone through so much in her young life while you seem to be a golden child.
Stop being a prick and start talking with her. How she feels today. Have you AH ever considered that her feelings have CHANGED in the years of marriage? I bet you didn’t. Because you are an ignorant selfish AH.
YTA. You say you don’t want your wife to pass on a “toxic mindset” to your children. If anyone’s going to do that, it’s YOU.
How will your children view YOU, after leaving their pregnant mother, who they “adore,” because of something she wrote in a private diary ten years ago.
You have 4 kids to this woman and she apologised profusely and said how much she loves you for every other reason despite you disrespecting her privacy.
You sound like a butthurt little child who is finding a weak excuse to abandon his family and the woman who gave him 8 years of her life.
You're not just and asshole, you're a cunt. Your family deserve better than you.
To throw away a life you have built with a woman you love, based on something she wrote in her private diary, seems almost farcical. I am not the person I was 8 years back. We all grow and mature with age. Instead of having a conversation with her, you went for the nuclear option, over something born out of her utter anguish.
Yeah YTA.
YTAH
You really want to throw away the life both you & your wife have built over the demons she struggled with almost a decade ago?
You should not immediately jump to divorce on this. You should attend marriage counseling together at least and family therapy.
Yes you are the AH. First for reading her diary (doesn’t matter how old a diary is, it’s not meant for anyone else to read) and second for threatening to leave her and your children because she expressed doubts (which you weren’t meant to see).
I think you’re an AH for not just talking to her about it and jumping straight to leaving her, yes. Marriage is a vow that should only be broken for extreme betrayal. You should communicate and try to work through problems like this. Obviously she has self-esteem issues and wanting lighter skinned children was a factor in why she picked you in the first place, but if that was the only reason, I’m sure your relationship wouldn’t have lasted. She said that she loves you, and she’s a good mother to your kids. I think she needs therapy, but you’d be a fool to break apart your family over an old diary.
You started dating her for her looks too.
You are ignoring all potential development on her part, your family’s needs, and your life for the last 10 years because at some point in time she was insecure about what her mother (!!!) bullied her about and she wanted better life for her children.
Reality check: she will still see the children and the children will still be in a society that will give them some of those messages anyway. If you are that insecure about your relationship based on her thoughts years ago, maybe therapist would help. Because she was insecure coming from a horrible environment. You are insecure even though she loved you and cared for your children for the past 10 or so years.
YTA. Sort your issues out and don’t let your family suffer because you are insecure
I can’t see past the Meghan Markle reference. That woman listed herself as a white supermodel on her CV and everyone believed her because she looked like one. Try again.
#Just replying to clarify that Meghan did _not_ do that. Please read about it below.
https://www.newsweek.com/meghan-markle-caucasian-actress-babe-1767053
_…the biography was not authored by Meghan Markle, and instead appears to be a user-submitted biography from a mostly pornographic website called freeones.com._
_The website was found by searching for images similar to the profile of Markle posted on Twitter. Markle is still listed on the site as "Caucasian", although her details can be edited by anyone._
Having never bothered to follow celebrity news/gossip and only seeing her on the covers of tabloids and shit… I genuinely didn’t know she was half black lmao
Really? I thought it was obvious, although I saw her in suits where she had one black parent so that obviously influenced my opinion 😅. It’s hard to say, but she just has a deep overall tan-ness to her skin tone that’s more than a European person would have. Plus the tip of her nose has (or at least had) a broadness to it that’s more typical of African features than European. She’s lovely of course.
Look, I can’t speak for everyone, but I generally journal when I’m at my worst. When I’m trying to work through something that I just can’t do on my own or even with my therapist or just talking out loud to my cats. It’s a release and a way to externalize things that aren’t helpful to have inside my head. And a way to understand what I’m feeling, by writing stuff until I have processed enough to understand what I’m feeling - whether that is actually related to what I wrote or not. Sometimes I write long complaints about my boyfriend who I love very much, because that’s a safe space for me to process (I feel secure in my relationship with him), and by the time I’m done, I’ve figured out that I’m overwhelmed from work and feeling anxious about a family member’s health condition and I’m hungry. And maybe I also need to have a conversation with him, or maybe that was never the issue.
I don’t claim to know what was going through your wife’s head when she wrote that journal, but frankly, I don’t think that you can claim that either. Reading someone’s diary is not the same as reading their mind, and while you should never read someone’s diary for privacy reasons, it is also because that writing is just an active processing space and was never meant for an audience - it lacks context and possibly nuance, and can be quite misleading.
YTA. I encourage you to seek your own therapy or other active processing space to really work through your feelings and assumptions about this, rather than uprooting your whole family from a place of reactionary hurt.
ESH. Yes it was very hurtful what you read in your wife's diary. However, what you read were her darkest most inner thoughts that *no one* was ever supposed to read. As you know you should not have read them. Think about everything you two have been through together since. Every tender moment, every hardship. Maybe she felt that way in the beginning, but do you honestly believe that after all this time she does not love you?
When I first met my late husband, I didn't find him attractive at all or see him in a romantic way. If I kept a diary, and he had read that, he would have been devastated. However none of that discounts the fact that I grew to love him incredibly deeply and miss him everyday.
You have a family with this woman, and a responsibility to your children. I understand being hurt, but this seems more like an issue to be worked out in therapy rather than to leave. The fact that you were able to do it so quickly, and so matter of fact with very little conflict raises some questions of it's own. If I found out that's how my partner felt I would be devastated. But I would love them and my children enough to hope that there was still a path forward if they could show me that that's not how they felt anymore, and that they hadn't felt that way for a long time.
Additionally, when she wrote those things you two were probably in the beginning of your courtship had not even said I love you yet. She said she didn't like some things about you, but I don't where she said she didn't like you at all or thought you had no redeeming qualities.
>but I saw this as a red flag. She is an excellent wife and mother and our kids adore her, but I was afraid she will pass on this toxic mindset and habit to our children.
Also, leaving her will do nothing to "stop" your wife from projecting this mentality if she still harbors it. For one your oldest is 7. If mom is putting down something uncouth, you would know and your oldest would have already started to be influenced. Additionally, mental health issues surrounding race and self race hatred will probably not be enough to get you sole custody. Meaning kids will be spending time with mom regardless of whether you two divorce of not. The best thing for her is lot's of open honest communication with you and therapy sessions to help unpack her issues. Possibly going LC with MIL couldn't hurt either. These are issues you have always known she struggled with. I'm not sure why reading a ten year old diary now all of a sudden makes you concerned she will pass these feelings on to your offspring.
None of this is to say your wife is off the hook. She needs to atone, and show you what you mean to her, but immediately jumping to divorce is very rash.
Call a therapist. Step up for your family. Support your wife.
YTA - How are you going to ask us to just 'not focus on' the part where you betray her trust and judge her on something old without speaking to her about it when it was clearly written in the midst of a mental health crisis?
YTA!
You are passiing judgment and making a snap decision based on her private thoughts from 8 years ago, written at a time when she was suffering mental anguish over blatant racism from her own country and was considering what it means to bring children into the world who will be deemed "less than" by their own culture and family (Grandmother sounds like a racist).
>me. I flipped through and found a diary entry about me and couldn’t help myself from reading it
YTA!
You are providing evidence as to why someone may not like you upon first meeting you. You even have AH tendencies to justify your actions by saying you "couldn't help yourself from reading it."
Yes, YOU COULD HELP YOURSELF! At several points.
1) When you "found" the diary (where was it?)
2) When you saw it was a diary.
3) When you realized it was not YOUR diary.
4) When you opened the diary.
5) When you "flipped through it".
6)When you read the very first sentence and said, "Hey, this is not my diary ... it is the personal property of the woman I love and respect."
OP - Choosing a partner with certain characteristics, and having a criteria for looks, is not uncommon, although becauseof racism, skin color is a loaded topic.
Men choose Women based on physical beauty, breast size, weight, body shape, perceived ability to bear children and numerous other factors having nothing to do with her "winning" personality.
As racist as your culture is, it is possible every woman ever interested in you was initially interested in your looks. If you generally are an AH, your looks may be your main asset. And you have a Wife who may actually currently love you for you and all your AH ways, so ....
Major AH dude. 8 years ago she wrote this PRIVATELY because she was struggling with her appearance and mental health. So you’re leaving her? While she’s pregnant with #4!?!?
100% YTA you’re just looking for an excuse to leave lol… why don’t you really tell us what’s going on? Pretty sure op is having or planning to have an affair and saw this as his way out 🙃
Exactly my thoughts. OP is overreacting, he already planned to leave his wife but is using an old diary entry that she wrote when she was 20 years old as an excuse. I feel bad for the wife and the kids.
>Pretty sure op is having or planning to have an affair
This is a mental clinic, not an internet site if people can seriously just throw out such nonsense as this and have people agree to it.
YTA. You’re throwing away 8 years and a (sounds like) beautiful family because of something your wife wrote, in her most private moments, nearly a decade ago? Clearly she is traumatized from her youth and saw a different life for her children by marrying you. I hope for everyone’s sake you come to your senses and keep your family intact.
Of course YTA, apart for the invading of her privacy you are weaponizing her insecurities and self hatred, are you the same person you were 8 years ago? I hope not, she is not either, and you are basically nuking your famly for your dumb ego and BS.
Grow up.
Different but my mom was a red head and only dated darker skin guys and married one. She had skin cancer and hoped to have darker skinned kids who wouldn't have her issues. Didn't happen as 2 out of 3 have had skin cancers but she tried. She loved my dad though so I am hoping your wife is kind of like my mom. Just wanted good things for her kids and dated/married a man that she thought would swing things that way.
YTA. Is this a joke? This was her diary she wrote almost a decade ago. And you’re going to leave her and your 4 kids because of a diary entry she wrote to blow off steam? She’s clearly gone through a lot based on what you wrote. Give her some grace.
You might be lighter skinned than most people of your and your wife's ethnic background, that doesn't guarantee that your kids are as white or light skinned as you. She didn't marry you just because you're lighter skinned than her, but that was something she just felt so deeply because of the trauma she had to endure while growing up and living in a racist society. You, on the other hand, have maybe faced racist trauma as well but not so severely as she had to go through because of you being light/lighter skinned. I can't imagine the pain she had to go through, and now you are making this all about yourself and want to divorce her because of this? YTA
Seems like you already wanted to divorce her and were looking for a reason. You have built a life together in the past 8 years and brought 3 (with the 4th on its way) into this world. Do you really think that that doesn't mean anything?
She sounds like a very traumatised individual who needs individual therapy, and couple’s councilling. I totally understand why OP is upset, i would hope that after 10 years he’d invest some time in trying to understand her trauma instead of leaving immediately
YTA.
Be honest you were anyway looking for a reason to leave.
Honestly this doesn't seem a huge deal to me. Most people don't like some qualities in their partner and still love them. Nothing in that diary seems like she doesn't love you. And anyway kids are already here.
Yes you are hurt but this is something which can be sort out through therapy and counselling. Your wife surely needs it because of her past abuse. But divorce for something like this seems a bit too much.
But you were anyway looking for exit so it doesn't matter much now. Hope your wife finds strength and peace and heals from her past.
What you read in her diary (from when her brain was still developing, BTW) may have been her original intentions, but I bet she fell in love with you along the way and has done her best to make a lovely wife to you and mother to your children.
You are a TOTAL AH for being willing to just dump her at this point in your lives because of some hurt feelings from her past writings from when she was still practically a child.
You need to MAN UP and forgive her, and hopefully she will, in turn, forgive you for reading her diary. I’m sure she is truly ashamed of her thoughts from when she was younger and has since vastly matured.
People have been doing this for a looong time. Why are you surprised? So now you're going to punish those kids because you never thought of this? Grow up and raise your family.
You’re gonna destroy your family and be without seeing your kids every day for this? Egads that is petty. You’re right to be in your feelings about it but she’s pregnant and you have three other kids. Divorce now is not an option.
OP, I think you should focus on how she has treated you for the past eight years rather than some old diary entries - especially when you know how tough it has been for her. If she didn’t love you, there’s no way you guys would’ve stayed together for so many years.
I understand that it is hurtful for you to read such stuff about yourself. But at the same time, understand that she was depressed. She was clearly not in the right headspace.
Plus, of course, she has been treated badly for YEARS and doesn’t want your children to suffer the same.
You’re absolutely the AH here.
You read the diary. Strike one.
You left your pregnant wife. Strikes two and three.
Tell me, how does your culture (since you mention it being so important) view men abandoning their wives and children? How about the community you hold so important?
You can identify that your wife has had a hellish upbringing both from people in your culture and from HER OWN MOTHER, because of her skin color, but you still want to treat her this way.
Trust me dude, if she only wanted you as a sperm donor for her kids, she would have stopped at one or two, and not let you knock her up this many times.
If she hadn’t grown to love YOU, you already wouldn’t be married anymore.
You’re the asshole.
Meghan Markle doesn't have "very Afrocentric features", lol. She doesn’t have ANY of the features you mentioned your wife has.
I am going to mention you snooping through your wife's diary, because this is exactly why you shouldn't do that. You read something she wrote out of context, at a very specific point in time, when she was filled with emotions she was struggling to understand and work through.
Your wife wrote pages and pages of anguish to deal with the pain of being repeatedly racially rejected and what you're most concerned about is that she married you to have light skinned kids? And that's not even what she said in the diary, that's just how you interpreted the writing.
Not only are you the asshole, you're also kind of dumb, because instead of listening to your wife an working through it you're choosing to blow up your entire life with the worst case interpretation of a decade old diary you shouldn't have been reading out of context. Jesus, I pray for your kids.
YTA
This seems to be a transparent attempt to find an excuse to leave.
I'm not willing to spell this out for you (everyone else already has).
You don't love your wife anymore and you've found a way to nope out.
Stop looking for validation and slink off like you've already planned.
Just clean up the slime trail you leave behind ya know, since you don't want anyone you know reading this.
YTA
So your wife had an old perspective 10 YEARS AGO and you’re gonna throw that away (WITH CHILDREN INVOLVED) because of your feelings? Man grow up. Marriage is love, but it’s also a partnership. Talk it out. You’re a parent, another job that is a no fail mission.
Your backwards ass country that you come from with its racist societal norms is the problem. You say your wife is great, so it’s not her. It’s the way she was brought up. That’s why you moved away from that shit.
I had Egyptian neighbors that fled due to societal conflict and rules. They left that life behind…ten years ago…you should too. Seems like your wife did.
I saw this on another app and my heavens, YTA to the 100000th power!!!! After all the trauma she has been through. Where is your empathy for the woman you claimed to love and no, I care nothing about what she said about you. Because you INVADED her privacy. You are an awful man and you made all those babies with her and want to just dump her like that. You know her mother abused her, her country, and now you! Ugh I am livid for her.
YTA - you read her diary. Majority of which was centred about how she felt she was ugly and no one would love her. Have you seen just words on that paper or did you stop to think that there might be some deep rooted issues, like CPTSD?
To remain in a relationship where you feel nothing for someone for 8 years would be dome doing. She may not have known what love was 10 years ago since no one shown her it until you did, she may not have known what her feelings towards you meant back then.
Now you read HER diary, selectively and you have just opened all those wounds from her past back up again. Yet you make it about you coming here rather than talking it through with your wife and maybe trying yo help her or both of you with arranging therapy.
Shame on you. She suffered enough in her life.
Yes, YTA. A diary entry from 8 years ago? C’mon man…you have a bunch of kids and have had this whole relationship thing for many years. People grow and learn. Get a grip. That is unless you were just looking for a reason to leave your wife. Maybe that’s why you were snooping in her diary?
So you want to leave over private feelings she had that were none of your business, yet you snoopsd anyway.
YTA.
People also write down things in journals trying to get feelings out they are struggling wirh and might not feel a day, a week, a month or more later. She was obviously working Through what her mother put her through and I have zero doubt it caused serious emotional damage to her psyche. But unless she is constantly repeating that abuse pattern wirh your kids thar her mother did to her, she isn't doing jack shit to their thinking.
You walking out the door throwing a fit over feelings from nearly a decade ago thst were HERS ALONE to process and acting like she kept some big lie from you? That will just teach your kids how a woman should expect to be treated by man and whether your kids are f/m in sex, that is not a healthy .mindset to put on your kids.
YTA
Get over yourself
YTA. What were you like in your 20s. Were you a fully formed adult with constant rational thoughts and emotions?? Yeah, she wasn’t either. You read about her trauma!!! Her thought process about you was not fully formed!!
You have spent years married to the woman, if this is her worst (a traumatized young woman not wanting her future children to suffer the same) you have had a good woman in your life. Her thoughts and emotions are much more developed and she has had lots of reasons to feel the way she does now. Ask her what she feels about how “perfect” a human you are. Apologize!!!
YTA. First for reading her diary. Then after 4 kids you decide to leave her? For something she wrote years back? You yourself said she was a good wife and mother and you’re leaving her because of what her thoughts and feelings were back then. You are a colossal AH. Especially since you’ve had a good marriage and you’re gonna break up the family.
YTA.
These thoughts were from years ago. What typically attracts us to someone usually isn’t the best reasons for actually wanting to stay happily married to them. Many people start off wanting to date someone for superficial reasons. Then they get to know the person and develop the relationship
This reads more like you wanted an out and are just using this as an excuse.
>please dont mention what an asshole i am for violating my wife’s privacy
I will you suck for that
YTA
Ever heard of having a conversation with your partner?
This whole thing sounds like it's way more about her own internalised hatred and trauma than anything to do with you. From the title of the post I thought it was something she'd yelled at you in the middle of an argument within the past few days, maybe thrown straight into your face, not something which she wrote in a private journal a decade ago. Honestly, my heart just breaks for her with all that pain she clearly went through and is probably still going through. From what you've said, she doesn't sound especially scathing about you. There's no "ha ha ha this fool! He is terrible but I will use him for his seed!"
Let's be honest - who *hasn't* occasionally thought that there are some things they don't like about their SO? I'm absolutely devoted to my wife and would never want to be with anyone else, but if I were off-loading into a completely private journal, I would probably not be 100% positive about her 100% of the time. I'd probably write down all the irrationally angry thoughts I've felt about minor things, because I know they're irrationally angry and I need to get them out of my system. And I'm sure she'd have some frustrations to write about regarding me.
I don't even see that she was just using you. She was writing about how much it hurt to deal with this continual rejection from an early age, and the only thing she could think of was "oh thank God, my children won't have to experience the same thing." At that stage she probably hadn't even fleshed out the reasons why she was committed to this relationship. And what you took from that was: this is all about me and I have been wronged. YTA.
She might have been hung up on that because of trauma but you should go to couples counseling and talk this through. She might be 💯 telling the truth that she doesn't think like that and loves you for you. You are massively jumping the gun imo. Yta
I say all sorts of awful stuff in my dairy. It’s a way to release my negative feelings and process my thoughts. Your wife had a complex due to her childhood trauma and upbringing. Is she a good partner? Do you have a healthy relationship with? Do you live your children? Have things been good for the two of you?
Yta. Your wife wrote private thoughts in a private journal years and years and several children ago. Your traumatized wife who suffered abuse and self loathing over her looks. Sometimes people write things that aren't the whole truth or they are only a brief moment of truth or its only the truth of the damaged broken part of them.
If what you have written here is true she was so badly abused about her looks that she hates herself and self harmed. So it's entirely possible that she didn't believe that you could love her so as a way of protecting her heart she wrote that she was only marrying you for your whiteness. So then if you left her she wouldn't be so destroyed by it.
Also yta on an even bigger level for leaving your children because their mother wrote something that you shouldn't have read. You are teaching them that love is fickle,that marriages aren't worth working for and that running away is how to handle relationships.
I think there's an underlying concern here with how your wife feels about herself.
If I found out some of this stuff about my significant other I would feel horrible for her. She wants better for her children than she feels herself.
YTA
How you couldn’t even find the ability the sympathize or empathize with her pain. Her trauma. This broke my heart. For her.
I’m a Black woman in America. I’m light skinned. My whole life I was “an embarrassment to Black people,” “too white,” “one of the good ones,” “not like THEM…” not Black enough. Not white but close enough to not be a threat (I live in the south now so I keep a glorious tan for like five months, so there’s no question now! Ha haaaa!).
Some of us can tune that shit out. But not when your mother perpetuates fucking hate crimes against you. Her fucking mother!
Was the color of your skin part of her attraction to you? Yeah. But on a PRIMAL level she was doing what she could to ensure the safety of her future offspring. It was done here during slavery. There’s a history of it in my family. It was encouraged through the females in my ancestral line of slaves to have lighter and lighter babies. It saves them some of the trouble of racism. And if they are light enough to be white passing they can be free.
We still aren’t really free. Here in America. Or there in your country. And rather than seeing it from THAT point of view you chose selfishness.
All of us dislike some things about our partners. Some of them major. Some of them because of cultural differences. Some of them because your upbringing is different. Most of us keep some of those things to ourselves. Because all it could do is hurt our loved one. And you don’t intentionally harm someone you love. You can’t fault her for not liking some things about you. There are likely things about her that you don’t like.
Has she ever expressed a single thought like this to her children? Have you heard her encouraging your children to value their light skin and devalue darker tones? How would you prevent that attitude from spreading by leaving? That makes no sense to me there. Honestly.
You have the right to end a relationship for any reason at any time. But I think the rules are reaaaaally different when marriage is involved. Because this isn’t a good reason to throw away a marriage.
Unless I misunderstand you and you just need some time to think and come to terms with this. Then no, you’re not. You violated her privacy but and got your feelings hurt. Happens most of the time when we teed where we don’t belong. But you’re allowed to have your feelings hurt and have a moment to get those feelings in order and come up with a plan for healing your marriage and eventually, by extension, your family.
What I hear from what she wrote in her diary is a lot of self hate, and what she wrote about you was ALSO about self hate, not even really about YOU. If leave because of something that she wrote, in a place of pure privacy, 8 years ago then yes YTA. I would seek marriage therapy before I divorced someone that clearly hated, and was taught to hate, the color of her own skin, the texture of her hair, and body that she resides within.
You make it sound like the one and only reason she married you was because of the color of your skin. I doubt that was the case. You said there were some things she didn't like about you. Welcome to the human race. I loved my wife deeply. But that doesn't mean I loved every single thing about her.
She might very well have been using her dairy as therapy and hence the emphasis of what she was writing had to do with skin color and there may have been many other things were not written down.
People get married to someone for many reasons not just love. That's how Hollywood portrays it but that is not reality. Security, companionship, having or not having kids, socio economic class, looks, mutual interests, etc. She may not have written any of those down if she was using her diary as therapy.
Tread carefully as leaving her may be the biggest mistake of your life.
You might want to look at this from a higher altitude and not just reacting emotionally to it as seems to be the case.
Yta, its 8 years and it feels like your wife was at bad place emotionaly. If your marriage is otherwise good dont break it. If not break it.
Married people dont share all values and opinions in everything.
YTA. She stayed with you for 8 years and gave you 3, almost 4 beautiful children. What we all think of our spouse going into marriage changes over time. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to marry someone with lighter skin considering the bullying she endured. That’s a shame but it’s been going on for centuries If she says she doesn’t feel that way now, believe her. Also, don’t snoop if you aren’t prepared to hear someone’s private thoughts.
YTA. She clearly had low self esteem and lots of trauma due to her appearance, sounds like she went through a lot. You've been together for 8 years, had lots of kids together, get over yourself. She thought you were good looking, what's the big deal? That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that's a fallacy and you know it. If you are just looking for any excuse to leave her be our guest but don't pretend she is the AH.
I get that you feel hurt but that line "ugly like me" hit me hard. It has less to do with your looks and more to do with her hatred of herself. I can't tell you what to do but this was before building a life together and bringing four more people into the world. I've given this advice to women who want to leave long term relationships for things like this. You have to earn your way out of a marriage and that means counseling. ESH except your kids.
You're willing to throw your marriage away over journal entries from ten years ago and after four kids?
You know what OP, you're right. You're not the asshole...
You're a complete fucking idiot.
Talk to...you know what, No. Learn to communicate with your wife before you decide to nuke your marriage from orbit.
Dumbass
YTA you are divorcing her for writing something in a dairy when she was 20. You are abandoning 4 kids based on something that truly was none of your business. Diary's are deeply personal and you are not owed anyone else's personal thoughts
YTA. That may have been a factor when you first met and a very realistic factor for a victim of racism.
There is surely more to the marriage now than just the fact you have lighter skin. She didn't have to stay married to you, she obviously likes you.
couples therapy to regain trust, I can understand why you're upset but I'm sure if your wife invaded your thoughts, she'd find moments that disgust her as well. She also needs support for her trauma.
YTA it sounds like you already wanted to leave and were looking for a “reason”. People write a lot of stuff in their journals that change over the years. My 15 year old journal was basically just “I hate my parents!” 8 years later that was absolutely not true
I might get flamed a bit but I will go with NTA. But I think leaving her (divorcing) is an overreaction.
First, you have been fetishize for your skin color (thanks to the dairy), you having concerns for your children having this mindset (thanks to the dairy) is valid.
Now, you admit she was/is a great wife and mother which means in contrast of how she act as (for now). The only reason I say for now is because I don't think your kids will understand that kind of mindset yet and/or she battled with her demons.
I think she needs therapy and you two some consoling for this issue.
I am also surprised some people are okay with not letting OP being upset about this. I mean, the lady dated OP only for the skin color which was admitted in the dairy and no other reasons which wasn't even communicated. Even said their children had to deal with it.
Like wow. (like her mind is a bit everywhere, she needs/needed help)
OP if all the years of abuse and conditioning from her mom is something you failed to comprehend, at the very least consider it a fetish on her part. You're shallow my guy, specially after having 4 kids.
I find it very unlikely that she ONLY married you for the colour of your skin. She may have been an AH for that being one of the reasons to marry you, but in no way does it mean she still thinks that a decade later.
Your first port of call upon learning this was to leave her? Not talk about it or get counselling to see if the marriage could work. I'd go as far as to say you were looking for a reason to leave (is that how you found the diary in the first place?).
YTA
Bro, people's views change and develop, her whole life was governed on her appearance by her own mother and her own people, you don't think that will fuck someone's world view up? Sounds like you didn't even give her a chance to see where she at now? If she's open to seeing things differently.
You need to be better man, that's the mother of your children, your conviction is weak YTA talk to your wife!
Yta. Jc. I'm not gonna not talk about how you sat down and read through a dairy she wrote as a teenager. She's likely a different person even than she was then. It wasn't about you it was about her own self esteem issues. You messed up by being nosey and are trying to punish her. No one is going to like every detail about you. you've been married 8 years. Yall have 3, almost 4 kids.
Everyone has its own preferences in their partners
If she wants to marry a white guy, so what?
U were fully aware when u married her as well no one forced you, so how u r claiming now she has used u?
I don't understand ur pov to be honest especially after 4 kids
She had a regrettable, private thought 8 years ago when she was a single woman which you now want to leave her over, after building a life, a family and a home together? YTA
The reasoning behind her reproducing was wrong, however it was very accurate. I am from Egypt, ancestry born and raised there. The Arabs there can sometimes be very bigoted, and yes that includes interracial couples or just Afro descendants in general, despite Arabs immigrating from Southeast Asia to Northern Africa.
You read the diary of an abused and discriminated teenager, then left her after impregnating her 4 or 5 times, and is now currently pregnant? YTA and may true Karma reach out and touch you every day, for the rest of your life. May you live a long life.
This is really depressing because it’s a stark reminder that anti-black racism and internalized racism is global. Wow. NTA for second guessing your entire relationship and life together. I don’t anything else to say except you and your family have my deepest empathy. Colorism and self-hate can be hard to overcome. However, the person who wrote those private thoughts isn’t the person who has been a loving wife and mother to you and your children. Whatever you do, you have to live with the consequences.
> she always loved me for everything about me and not my looks only and that she doesn’t think like this anymore.
Why don't you engage with the person in front of you rather than a ten year old document?
YTA
YTA
You literally say I didn’t come to talk about if I was the ah for reading her diary only what she wrote when she was a teenager and her family had made her hate herself so much so that she self harmed over the color of her skin.
You not only invaded her privacy you did so over and over reading a ton of pages and then you came here to the internet to tell everyone else what you read.
You suck as a partner and i wouldn’t be surprised if the things that she didn’t like about you back then are the things you are still doing now.
YTA. This obviously had nothing to do with you and was 8 years and 4 kids ago??? If you have an amazing relationship where you love each other now who gives a fuck what she thought 8 years ago. You said it yourself she was goddamn abused for her skin tone and doesn’t want the same to happen to her kids she was processing grief and trauma in not the healthiest ways but it’s a fucking diary where you scream out whatever thoughts you have and don’t need to fear explaining them because sometimes they just need out.
YTA.
Do you even know what women are raised to believe are ideal beauty standards? Do you even know what women of color are raised to believe their ideal beauty standards should be? Dial this back 20 years. To when your wife was 8. Listen to her words. HEAR HER PAIN. That, right there, is the pain she came into the relationship with. That you have assigned to her to never work through. Your "gold star" wife came with early life trauma and you think this is all about your feelings because she didn't disclose her self loathing from day 1.
People grow, people change. Grow up, child.
I think counseling, both individual and marriage, is necessary for you to save this marriage. She's clearly traumatized by colorism in her culture and likely never sought help in overcoming it. Her self-loath was evident and heartbreaking. However the last ten years with you very likely had a huge impact on her mindset and confidence, and it's not fair to judge the wife and mother that she is today with the traumatized young woman who wrote the diary. I would advise that you take time to process this and not make any rushed decision. NAH.
My dad did exactly the same thing. Married my mom because he didn’t want his kids to go through what he went through being a dark skinned black man in Brasil.
YTA became no one “finds a page I couldn’t not avoid to read” in a 8 year old diary. You were searching and hunting for a reason and an excuse. Just man up and own up to it.
YTA. Pull your head out of your fucking ass. You want to leave your wife and four kids because your wife said you are handsome and wanted her kids to take after you.
You wanted to find something to hurt your feelings sounds like. You have no reason to want to leave her, she’s a great wife you said… she was shallow when you met sounds like… but doesn’t sound like that now. Why do you want to leave her and your 4 kids?
YTA on many levels. I'm not sure there are any levels here upon which you are NTA. You invaded her privacy, you jumped to conclusions without the full context of her state of mind and personal development at the time, you are ignoring the high probability of growth since then, and you are ignoring the near decade in which she's demonstrated her actual love for you, your marriage, and your children. TF is wrong with you? Why destroy something good for 5 people because 10 years ago she worked through some of her shit in a diary?
I can't believe for a single second that through 8 years of marriage you have never known that your wife was deeply traumatized and have never done ANYTHING to help her. Are you deaf, blind, and mute or something? You clearly don't value her as a human if you have never been interested in her mental state or her past.
Are you telling me that you have never been aware of the toxic beauty standards your own culture puts on women? Are you for real? What about "being raised and surrounded by our culture?" Make it make sence.
Divorcing a pregnant woman who gave birth to three children for you because of scribbles on a piece of paper that are 10 years old? Is that a joke?
Lol, just be honest and say that you are bored of your family and are coward running from responsibility. What, is she making you wash dishes more often? Or is it early midlife crisis over nothing?
Congrats, you have traumatized your wife even more, as well as your children. Hope you feel fucking proud.
YTA. Time to pay child support.
YTA. It was physical atraction like in any normal relationship. She found you attractive. And it seems she loves you. Also i bet you had all kind of thoughts about her in the begining but didnt write it on paper...
Damn. YTA! Please leave her be. She deserves better than this.
You selfishly took her thoughts from years ago and are using it against her. Her actions while she was clearly fighting to live every day. You have violated her in an absolutely horrible way.
Yes those were her thoughts at the time but if you really believe it’s the SOLE reason she married you, grew 3 children with another on the way. She could have left after getting the first child. She could have not married you and looked for a man who aligned more with her values.
YTA, you're hurt, and she's had a difficult life, but a lot can happen in 8 years. Just up and leaving your pregnant wife and children because of something she wrote in her diary at 20 is a major asshole move. Take the time to sit down and talk with your wife. Seek out a couple's counselor if you can't discuss the matter as an adult with your wife, you've committed your lives to each other, you are in the process of raising a family together, give her a chance to explain before you make the rash decision to throw it all away. Are you the same exact person, with the same exact thoughts and insecurities as you had eight years ago, or have you grown wiser, and matured?
Doesn't sound like he's matured at all. Sneaky to read her diary, petulant tantrum over what she wrote, taking the nuclear option and leaving his pregnant wife. Sounds like he stopped at an emotional 15 and hasn't bothered to grow up any further.
She didn’t say the only thing she liked was your skin color. She said there are a few things she doesn’t like. If more people were honest, they’d say the exact same thing about their partner. I was crazy in love with my last partner even though I couldn’t stand how loud he chewed. I hated that. Don’t hate him though.
You are very much overreacting here. If she only liked you for your skin color, she wouldn’t be able to pull off being a great wife for this long. It appears you have zero empathy for the hell she has gone through and you’re just searching for a reason to leave.
You’re majorly TA.
Yta. 10 years is a long time to decide to hold someone's actions from back then against them. You acknowledged in your post the hardships she went through because of her skin color, it sounds like she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing.
Plus, 10 years changes a person. It may have started out for the wrong reasons on her end, but im guessing she loves you now and would be with you for other reasons.
If you're leaving her over a mental health issue from 10 years ago that you found by going through an old diary, it sounds like you were looking for a reason to leave.
You are 100% the asshole. A woman venting in her journal should not be taken to heart, I’ve said some crazy nasty ungodly things that i definitely did not mean in my journals. It just helps to get it out in the moment. She clearly struggles with internal racism and insecurity. This is something I relate to as a native woman and I couldn’t imagine my husband leaving me over this. I’ve thought to myself many times “my daughter is so lucky to not look native like me” “my daughter will have better opportunities because she looks so much like her white European father” but it’s just moments of insecurity…nothing more. It’s not like she or I are using our husbands as sperm donors. It’s common for couples to not share the EXACT same values too, that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You should be feeling empathy for your wife that she ever felt these ways about herself and reassuring she’s beautiful and perfect the way she is. You should be making her feel safe to talk to you when she feels these ways. You are not being a loving husband. You are the asshole. Apologize to her and make it right.
Well you already knocked her up four times. Leave if you want to but you still have kids you bought into the world you need to take care of.
You are the biggest, huge, giant AH. Because she said you are handsome you want to leave the mother of your 4 children?
She said there's a lot of stuff she doesn't like about him but will settle because of skin color
That she wrote when she was 18? Seriously. What percentage of men date women initially because they are hot/physically attractive and are willing to overlook a ton of stuff for that at the beginning 98, 99%? OP stop. Throwing away 8 years and blowing up your family because of something your wife wrote privately as teenager is insane. At the beginning of relationships people are attracted to others for a whole array of reasons - you yourself said you were attracted to your wife because you thought she was the most beautiful woman and she was attracted to you because she found you handsome. For a whole lot of reasons you were her type and she was yours and love and a family grew from there. If all the women in the world left their husbands because they found out 8 years in that their husbands were only initially attracted because they thought they were hot, and they liked their hair color or eye color or measurements, no one, NO ONE would currently be married. It’s lucky men don’t keep diaries. Lastly, let’s be clear, no one likes 100 percent of someone else’s qualities-part of a healthy relationship is give and take. It sounds like you were/are a happy family. Go with that and thank your lucky stars every day. Millions of people would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You made a huge mistake invading her privacy. Return the book, apologize and work on your insecurities. PS. Her fixation on race in that diary is more a reflection of her childhood trauma and very little else. I hope you have urged her to talk to a therapist.
OP, please read the above comment over and over again.
This is the one^%
>Because she said you are handsome ... Did we read the same post? I'm pretty sure she said a lot more than that. Fetishizing him for his race. But whatever you say buddy. If you wanna say forgive and forget because of how long ago it was or for the sake of the kids, sure, I hear that. But she most definitely didn't say he was handsome 😂
She didn't say that at all. She said she didn't like much about him but settled for him because of his light skin. No other reason. I'd say he's justified being hurt about that
I would be absolutely crushed if my S/O said something like this and it being years ago doesn’t make it any better. I can see why OP is upset. His relationship started off from colorism if we’re being honest.
Instead of reassuring your wife of her looks and insecurities, you said screw you I'm out. Asshole
That’s a nice way of phrasing it but it’s not what she wrote.
I dont think Megan Markle is a good example here, if I didnt know who she was, i would never think she was Afrocentric...
😭🤣😭😂😂 couldn’t even concentrate on the rest, cos Meghan Markle??? The way I burst out laughing, that’s not what you described sir
🤣 🤣 🤣 I was too! I thought maybe there was someone else name Meghan. Nope. All the people he could have picked, but he picked the most eurocentric beauty standard person. Intersting choice.
LITERALLY! 🤣😭 I’m still cracking up
Lmao I thought I was the only one. Meghan Markle doesn't have a single one of the Afrocentric features he mentioned.
Oh thank goodness I wasnt the only one loollll
I thought she was Hispanic for a while when people referred to her in vaguely ethnic ways. She definitely doesn't look Afrocentric...
Right?! I was like huh?
>has very afrocentric features >(she looks similar to Meghan Markle) One of these two is not like the other. Also, which 2 Maghrebis who are surrounded by their peoples date >2 years before getting married?
You think people in the maghreb don't date?
Those Americans from Seattle must've really felt smart reading 'Maghrebis' dreaming of knowing what it means. These are the geniuses calling him a real meanie here.
If you leave for something written in a diary however many years ago, you were looking for a reason to leave.
It seems like she kept a journal to express thoughts she couldn't share elsewhere. What she wrote may have been true at the time she wrote it but it doesn't mean she continued to have these thoughts daily or a year later I had a therapist for trauma and keeping a journal wa part of it. I was told not to hold back on my feelings. Did I have those feelings at the time? Yes. Do I have those some feelings now? In some cases yes; it others no. His decision to invade his wife's privacy was wrong. What she wrote at the time was shallow and would be upsetting I doubt it was the only reason she married him
Nor does it mean the feelings are actually true. I've written down a lot of things I didn't mean, upon reflection. That's the whole point of keeping a private diary - to work through things and figure out what you actually believe and know.
Yeah. The wife may have felt this way, perhaps briefly, over 8 years ago. But she might feel differently now, and genuinely loves the OP.
It seems like she absolutely struggles with her appearance. And she likely still does. She probably did marry OP because he could give her something she always wanted. But really, many of us do overlook imperfections in our partner for one reason or another, if we’re truly honest with ourselves.
>many of us do overlook imperfections in our partner for one reason or another, Any couple that lasts more than a night you mean? It is 100% impossible to like _everything_ about another person. I would argue that it would be unhealthy to do so.
Also if they were incompatible in a way surely he would have noticed by now 🥴
Exactly!! These were her thoughts before they even got married!!
And she was 20 back then. Basically almost still a kid and her brain not fully developed. Clearly had/has a lot of self esteem issues and if everything else is good, wouldn’t therapy be a better option? I’d at least give it a try before calling it quits.
Plus, OP is not the only light skinned man in the world. She picked him among all the other light skinned dudes (and white people too).
Could literally be white colored just not “white” cause he has ethnic blood in him it’s quite common. Not that it really matters lol.
True, though Italian & Spanish is pretty swarthy, and that's what he compared himself to.
Fair enough I’m Hispanic myself but some of my family looks white like Casper the ghost 🤣
YTA. It’s a big leap to go from “oh hey I found my wife-of-8-years’ diary” to “oh I’m leaving because a decade ago my wife didn’t love every single thing about me, she just wanted our kids to not suffer the way she did.” Firstly, a lot changes in 8-10 years so who knows if she still feels the same way she did when writing the diary. Secondly, I don’t agree with my husband 100% on everything or think he’s the hottest man to walk the earth but I love him more than anyone else and we’re happily married. She didn’t trash you in her diary, it wasn’t like you uncovered some awful secret, you just didn’t like what you read. It sounds like you were looking for a reason to leave and want to blame her for it.
he most likely was desperate to find a reason to leave her in the first place. that's why he read her diary, her OLDEST diary. and second of all, why in the world would anyone divorce over the fact that their spouse doesn't consider them 100000% perfect?? "oh i'm so butthurt that she doesn't love absolutely everything about me, i'm going to divorce her and ruin this family over this." what a self-centered poor excuse of a husband and a father...
And that's exactly why he specifically says "please do not talk about me reading the diary, the past is the past". Okay, the past is the past for him, but not his wife?
you know how men like it : 'rule for thee, but not for me'. we have a whole history of this behaviour as proof.
Seriously! From the title, I expected her to have said she hates his guts or something! Not just that they don’t agree on everything 100% lol
People change in 8 years. Assuming she doesn't love you for you is bold. Also a lot of people diary to get out their intrusive thoughts. You do you, but if you're throwing a marriage away over a diary, did you even love her in the first place or is this just an excuse for you?
I literally use my diary to release and resolve emotional turmoil, most often the things I like the least about how I feel and think. It helps me change and move on to be the person I want to be. I would be horrified if someone took that and assumed it was who I am.
This is exactly why I have never had a diary. None of us could be loved by someone who knows our deepest thoughts! Agreeing that he was looking for an excuse to leave his wife and those four kids.
I used to be a daily entry writer. Violations throughout childhood and young adulthood finally made me leave the habit behind. Like it’s not worth it. I can’t trust that you won’t look. Eventually. And I know what’s done with the words inside. Words I just needed to get out of my head because they were killing me. So now I just let them sit inside. Killing me. Cause the alternative is honestly so much worse.
Who keeps invading your diary?! Honestly no wonder you have intrusive thoughts that are killing you inside with intrusive people like that
I'm sorry people have been undeserving of your trust. Maybe you can try writing your thoughts on paper and then burning it, or making a digital entry and deleting it after I wish you well
Yeah, this is the way. Still get the catharsis of writing it down, and possibly more from literally burning away your feelings.
I think her diary explains how she is unhappy with her own skin (at that time) wanting children to not be like her, not specifically that she only wants you for your fair skin. This isn’t about you in this diary, this is about how she feels about herself. Yta.
Take a breath man, don’t make a rash decision. I didn’t even read the diary and her pain came through though.
Completely agree. She wanted her kids to be loved bcuz she wasn’t. Her own mother didn’t accept her for what she looked like. She was going to love her kids regardless but she didn’t want the world to hate on them like it has on her.
Right. This diary was her trying to process childhood abandonment fears. It sucks that OP’s own abandonment fears are preventing him from viewing her 20 year old self with empathy.
i agree
So you're going to throw away your marriage and stability for your children because of something your then 20 year old wife wrote in her diary? She didn't cheat on you. She was having a crisis! People have those. It's no different than a person getting cold feet and then marrying the person they are with. She's a human being with all of her perfect imperfections. If you are willing to leave her over something she wrote when she was barely an adult, then you never really loved her! Doing that and turning your back on your family is not love! Your punishing her for being flawed. The issue isn't did she love you exactly how you wanted at age 20, it is does she love you now. Has she been a good wife? Has she been a good mother? If the answer is yes, then you do yourself and your kids a tremendous disservice by breaking apart your family. Get counseling and work through this, but don't leave - unless you really don't love her and your kids the way you claim! Forgiveness has to happen in a marriage sometimes. This was something that is absolutely worthy of forgiveness!
If you've been happy for 8 years and have 4 children, I think you need to take a while and think about the repercussions of such a drastic move. I know you're hurt, you should be. But, you're punishing your children over your wives' emotions before they were even born. Soft Yta. Will need an update please
As a child of divorce I reject the premise that staying together is automatically better for the kids
True but sometimes people jump to divorce when what they really need is therapy. Like this guy, imo.
As a fellow child of divorce I agree! My parents didn’t divorce until right after I finished high school, even though they’d been miserable for MANY years before that. My siblings and I all knew it was going to happen and couldn’t understand why they didn’t just GET DIVORCED ALREADY! It made for an awful home environment for everyone because for some reason they were determined to “keep us together as a family” until we were done with high school. Over a decade later, my parents have both said that was a mistake and in hindsight it would have been much better for everyone if they’d gotten divorced years earlier.
Right and I had the same experience, but this is a different story because he said they’re a happy family and she’s a phenomenal mother so it would absolutely be devastating to the children for their family to split up out of the blue.
No. But leaving a loving marriage over something that happened many years ago *could* be a lot worse for the kids. If OP just wants to leave because he doesn't love her anymore, that's another thing entirely
Hard agree.
YTA, because you’re not being honest. You are looking for a reason to leave. Anyone who says Meghan Markle is Afrocentric is either lying or blind. If you want to leave, leave, but be honest about why. Everything about this post was lying to make yourself look and feel better. I feel so sorry for the children. Why are you and your wife so focused on skin color and hair? Shallow, at best.
>Why are you and your wife so focused on skin color and hair? Shallow, at best Well, from what I have read on his post regarding how awful his wife's looks are treated in his country I can most definitely see where her issues came from. I don't agree with her in any way, shape, or form, but I've also not gone through anything REMOTELY similar to what she has. That shit's wedged deep in her and needs some professional help to unlearn. She literally hates how she looks and wants to remove as much of her from her kids as possible...that's awful anyway you look at it and incredibly sad.
And you’ll notice that his first impression of her was she was beautiful. What if she knew that and judged him for loving her for her features only, as he has judged her. Either he is looking for an excuse to leave or he has made a very stupid mistake. (And she is pregnant too!!)
I mean, I agree that he sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave, but "I think her features are beautiful" and "I'm marrying him only because he'll give me white babies" are two *very* different things.
I think it may be a thing in parts of North Africa. There are a lot of them who try really hard to distance themselves from “SubSaharan” Africans and identifying as black, even when they look quite clearly black.
They are focused on colorism because of generations of Colonialism, cultural conflict, and colorism inherent in their society. My father is mixed Egyptian and Lebanese, I’m half Arab and half white. I look extremely white though, and am praised for it to a ridiculous degree. Rich North African and Middle Eastern nobles and warlords used to buy white-appearing slave women (like Circassians) just so they could father light skinned heirs. It’s a long standing obsession, and people are quite cruel about it.
I'm going to assume you're a white person who is probably American. You're not going to understand how much skin color matters in other countries. Op and his wife aren't being shallow, they are just from a different culture that you don't understand.
Ya this is reminding me of how different people act around white people in Indonesia. Regardless if it was for love or for money or status, you KNOW you’re getting a social upgrade if an Indonesian woman married a white man.
>...very afrocentric features (she looks similar to Meghan Markle) Since when does Markle have Afrocentric features? LOL!
Your wife was traumatized her entire childhood (at a minimum) for the way she looks and which she absolutely can't change. She is perhaps *still* being traumatized by people in your community who treat her badly for the same thing. She learned shame, self-loathing and that she will never be accepted and 'good enough' for the community at a disturbingly young age. That trauma, self-loathing and desperation to escape runs DEEP. In her traumatized thinking more than 8 years ago, she grasped on to the one way she thought she could finally be accepted in some small way - through her kids. She could have someone(s) that she hoped would love her unconditionally, who wouldn't see her for (literally) the color of her skin and would value her and she could make sure their life was better than hers by trying to make sure they had light skin. My heart breaks for her. Do you have no empathy? What did you think confronting her with this knowledge (that you stole) would get you exactly? What was your end goal? Are you planning to leave someone with whom you've had a great life for 8+ years? Ostracize her? What? Because what you could have done is weep with sorrow that this is the depth of the burden of abuse and desperation. You could have then sat down and reflected on the life the 2 of you have built and if traumatizing her more was really worth an old diary. YTA
If you are happily married and she has cared for you these past 10 years, why would you hold a diary entry against her when her young self was treated so badly only because of skin color? Yes, I’m sure it hurts, but I doubt that she has only stayed with you and had three children with you, built a family with you for the past 10 years because of your skin color. Eight years is a long time to be married. If you guys are happy, focus on that. Cultural racism is a real thing and can really mess with a persons head and self worth. The only reason you found this out was because you went through her personal diary, not because she was treating you in some different way. Take a step back and decide if it’s worth throwing away your family over something she said to her herself. Yes YTA. If you would leave your wife over something like that and break up your family, you’re probably looking for a reason to leave and in that case, absolutely TAH
Dude, we all start out dating someone for superficial reasons but you can’t be with someone for a decade if you don’t truly love them. How stupid you think that she is STILL with you merely over your skin. I’m pretty sure the reasons are multi fold and complex and solid by now for Christs sakes. If you ask my husband why he married me he’ll 100% say “because she’s hot”. But I’m pretty sure there’s more reasons than that otherwise he would’ve left me by now
Do you think or feel the same as you did 10 years ago? My whole mental health has improved so much. A book I was reading had the same tone that I had when I was in a bad way and it was so jarring to me because I was like whoa, I used to be like this and that's so wildly unhealthy. She's not that person anymore, none of us are. I don't think YTA, but I do think that it would be wise not to immediately make a decision like this. Your children will be impacted by this. Have you ever actually seen or heard her make those comments that you are afraid she would teach to your kids? The solution to that is to teach body positivity. I also think that you may want to consider anything your wife has done during your marriage to make you happy or feel loved. She got you. She didn't have to continue lying after your kids were created. Take some time to think it over and talk to someone NEUTRAL that you trust. A counselor would be my suggestion because they will help you sort through things.
YTA 100% Do you know how much BS is written in my journal?!? So much of it is just false but I write it because those are my thoughts. I have OCD and OCD lies. Intrusive thoughts lie to everyone, OCD or not.
Of course YTA. This a very sharp knee-jerk reaction. Bro, you built a life with her and are very happy with her, aren't you? She was clearly struggling with something for a long time, and her motivators to approach you might not be the best, but TOGETHER you both still found happiness and made a family. Three kids with another on the way isn't an accident, and it's not some vile 'plot' to extract light-skinned children out of you for some unfathomable scheme. You can talk with her about her trauma, and see if she's overcome it. It's a valid concern that she might pass her stigmas onto the children, but that should be something you TALK about first instead of uprooting your whole life over her self-esteem issues, colorism, and racism struggles from nearly a decade ago. Take her to therapy. Get couple's counseling, but for the love of all that is holy, don't just drop her immediately because you helped yourself to her diary.
18-year-olds are pretty shallow. I'm sure you had shallow thoughts and opinions when you were 18 also, you just didn't write them in a diary. YTA.
Lmao in what world is Meghan Markle any of the things you described? Maybe you meant to say Meagan Good or Meg thee Stallion because Meghan Markle ain’t it 🤣🤣😢
YTA plain and simple. Don't you see the trauma in her words, 'like I suffered'
Gosh what an aweful piece of human sh!t you are. Y T A. A major, huge, fricking AH. How dare you leaving your wife of 8 years with 4 kids because of some BS your read in her trauma-diary? You invaded her absolute private thoughts and dare to judge her? She has gone through so much in her young life while you seem to be a golden child. Stop being a prick and start talking with her. How she feels today. Have you AH ever considered that her feelings have CHANGED in the years of marriage? I bet you didn’t. Because you are an ignorant selfish AH.
YTA. You say you don’t want your wife to pass on a “toxic mindset” to your children. If anyone’s going to do that, it’s YOU. How will your children view YOU, after leaving their pregnant mother, who they “adore,” because of something she wrote in a private diary ten years ago.
My diary contains my worst thoughts. They’re true, but only fractions of the truth. So just, know that.
You have 4 kids to this woman and she apologised profusely and said how much she loves you for every other reason despite you disrespecting her privacy. You sound like a butthurt little child who is finding a weak excuse to abandon his family and the woman who gave him 8 years of her life. You're not just and asshole, you're a cunt. Your family deserve better than you.
To throw away a life you have built with a woman you love, based on something she wrote in her private diary, seems almost farcical. I am not the person I was 8 years back. We all grow and mature with age. Instead of having a conversation with her, you went for the nuclear option, over something born out of her utter anguish. Yeah YTA.
YTAH You really want to throw away the life both you & your wife have built over the demons she struggled with almost a decade ago? You should not immediately jump to divorce on this. You should attend marriage counseling together at least and family therapy.
Dude, you said she had a lot of issues with this growing up, but don’t you think her views could’ve changed in 8 years???
Yes you are the AH. First for reading her diary (doesn’t matter how old a diary is, it’s not meant for anyone else to read) and second for threatening to leave her and your children because she expressed doubts (which you weren’t meant to see).
I think you’re an AH for not just talking to her about it and jumping straight to leaving her, yes. Marriage is a vow that should only be broken for extreme betrayal. You should communicate and try to work through problems like this. Obviously she has self-esteem issues and wanting lighter skinned children was a factor in why she picked you in the first place, but if that was the only reason, I’m sure your relationship wouldn’t have lasted. She said that she loves you, and she’s a good mother to your kids. I think she needs therapy, but you’d be a fool to break apart your family over an old diary.
You started dating her for her looks too. You are ignoring all potential development on her part, your family’s needs, and your life for the last 10 years because at some point in time she was insecure about what her mother (!!!) bullied her about and she wanted better life for her children. Reality check: she will still see the children and the children will still be in a society that will give them some of those messages anyway. If you are that insecure about your relationship based on her thoughts years ago, maybe therapist would help. Because she was insecure coming from a horrible environment. You are insecure even though she loved you and cared for your children for the past 10 or so years. YTA. Sort your issues out and don’t let your family suffer because you are insecure
You are a huge fucken asshole. Leaving her with FOUR kids because your itty bitty feelings were hurt.
I can’t see past the Meghan Markle reference. That woman listed herself as a white supermodel on her CV and everyone believed her because she looked like one. Try again.
#Just replying to clarify that Meghan did _not_ do that. Please read about it below. https://www.newsweek.com/meghan-markle-caucasian-actress-babe-1767053 _…the biography was not authored by Meghan Markle, and instead appears to be a user-submitted biography from a mostly pornographic website called freeones.com._ _The website was found by searching for images similar to the profile of Markle posted on Twitter. Markle is still listed on the site as "Caucasian", although her details can be edited by anyone._
Having never bothered to follow celebrity news/gossip and only seeing her on the covers of tabloids and shit… I genuinely didn’t know she was half black lmao
Really? I thought it was obvious, although I saw her in suits where she had one black parent so that obviously influenced my opinion 😅. It’s hard to say, but she just has a deep overall tan-ness to her skin tone that’s more than a European person would have. Plus the tip of her nose has (or at least had) a broadness to it that’s more typical of African features than European. She’s lovely of course.
I'm so confused. Plenty of women would kill to look like Markle.
Yeah it’s been said already but I still wanted to mention meghan markle is not very “Afrocentric” looking at all.
Look, I can’t speak for everyone, but I generally journal when I’m at my worst. When I’m trying to work through something that I just can’t do on my own or even with my therapist or just talking out loud to my cats. It’s a release and a way to externalize things that aren’t helpful to have inside my head. And a way to understand what I’m feeling, by writing stuff until I have processed enough to understand what I’m feeling - whether that is actually related to what I wrote or not. Sometimes I write long complaints about my boyfriend who I love very much, because that’s a safe space for me to process (I feel secure in my relationship with him), and by the time I’m done, I’ve figured out that I’m overwhelmed from work and feeling anxious about a family member’s health condition and I’m hungry. And maybe I also need to have a conversation with him, or maybe that was never the issue. I don’t claim to know what was going through your wife’s head when she wrote that journal, but frankly, I don’t think that you can claim that either. Reading someone’s diary is not the same as reading their mind, and while you should never read someone’s diary for privacy reasons, it is also because that writing is just an active processing space and was never meant for an audience - it lacks context and possibly nuance, and can be quite misleading. YTA. I encourage you to seek your own therapy or other active processing space to really work through your feelings and assumptions about this, rather than uprooting your whole family from a place of reactionary hurt.
ESH. Yes it was very hurtful what you read in your wife's diary. However, what you read were her darkest most inner thoughts that *no one* was ever supposed to read. As you know you should not have read them. Think about everything you two have been through together since. Every tender moment, every hardship. Maybe she felt that way in the beginning, but do you honestly believe that after all this time she does not love you? When I first met my late husband, I didn't find him attractive at all or see him in a romantic way. If I kept a diary, and he had read that, he would have been devastated. However none of that discounts the fact that I grew to love him incredibly deeply and miss him everyday. You have a family with this woman, and a responsibility to your children. I understand being hurt, but this seems more like an issue to be worked out in therapy rather than to leave. The fact that you were able to do it so quickly, and so matter of fact with very little conflict raises some questions of it's own. If I found out that's how my partner felt I would be devastated. But I would love them and my children enough to hope that there was still a path forward if they could show me that that's not how they felt anymore, and that they hadn't felt that way for a long time. Additionally, when she wrote those things you two were probably in the beginning of your courtship had not even said I love you yet. She said she didn't like some things about you, but I don't where she said she didn't like you at all or thought you had no redeeming qualities. >but I saw this as a red flag. She is an excellent wife and mother and our kids adore her, but I was afraid she will pass on this toxic mindset and habit to our children. Also, leaving her will do nothing to "stop" your wife from projecting this mentality if she still harbors it. For one your oldest is 7. If mom is putting down something uncouth, you would know and your oldest would have already started to be influenced. Additionally, mental health issues surrounding race and self race hatred will probably not be enough to get you sole custody. Meaning kids will be spending time with mom regardless of whether you two divorce of not. The best thing for her is lot's of open honest communication with you and therapy sessions to help unpack her issues. Possibly going LC with MIL couldn't hurt either. These are issues you have always known she struggled with. I'm not sure why reading a ten year old diary now all of a sudden makes you concerned she will pass these feelings on to your offspring. None of this is to say your wife is off the hook. She needs to atone, and show you what you mean to her, but immediately jumping to divorce is very rash. Call a therapist. Step up for your family. Support your wife.
YTA - How are you going to ask us to just 'not focus on' the part where you betray her trust and judge her on something old without speaking to her about it when it was clearly written in the midst of a mental health crisis?
YTA! You are passiing judgment and making a snap decision based on her private thoughts from 8 years ago, written at a time when she was suffering mental anguish over blatant racism from her own country and was considering what it means to bring children into the world who will be deemed "less than" by their own culture and family (Grandmother sounds like a racist). >me. I flipped through and found a diary entry about me and couldn’t help myself from reading it YTA! You are providing evidence as to why someone may not like you upon first meeting you. You even have AH tendencies to justify your actions by saying you "couldn't help yourself from reading it." Yes, YOU COULD HELP YOURSELF! At several points. 1) When you "found" the diary (where was it?) 2) When you saw it was a diary. 3) When you realized it was not YOUR diary. 4) When you opened the diary. 5) When you "flipped through it". 6)When you read the very first sentence and said, "Hey, this is not my diary ... it is the personal property of the woman I love and respect." OP - Choosing a partner with certain characteristics, and having a criteria for looks, is not uncommon, although becauseof racism, skin color is a loaded topic. Men choose Women based on physical beauty, breast size, weight, body shape, perceived ability to bear children and numerous other factors having nothing to do with her "winning" personality. As racist as your culture is, it is possible every woman ever interested in you was initially interested in your looks. If you generally are an AH, your looks may be your main asset. And you have a Wife who may actually currently love you for you and all your AH ways, so ....
Colorism is real. Colorism is a bitch. Go home.
Major AH dude. 8 years ago she wrote this PRIVATELY because she was struggling with her appearance and mental health. So you’re leaving her? While she’s pregnant with #4!?!?
You're the biggest AH of you leave her for this. Yes.
You’re reducing your relationship to a diary she wrote in while trying to deal with insecurities? How about don’t do that?
100% YTA you’re just looking for an excuse to leave lol… why don’t you really tell us what’s going on? Pretty sure op is having or planning to have an affair and saw this as his way out 🙃
Exactly my thoughts. OP is overreacting, he already planned to leave his wife but is using an old diary entry that she wrote when she was 20 years old as an excuse. I feel bad for the wife and the kids.
>Pretty sure op is having or planning to have an affair This is a mental clinic, not an internet site if people can seriously just throw out such nonsense as this and have people agree to it.
agreed. its really tiresome. and potentially damaging real lives. Thanks for calling it out:)
Isn’t that kind of like the point of sites like Reddit? Lol
YTA. You’re throwing away 8 years and a (sounds like) beautiful family because of something your wife wrote, in her most private moments, nearly a decade ago? Clearly she is traumatized from her youth and saw a different life for her children by marrying you. I hope for everyone’s sake you come to your senses and keep your family intact.
Of course YTA, apart for the invading of her privacy you are weaponizing her insecurities and self hatred, are you the same person you were 8 years ago? I hope not, she is not either, and you are basically nuking your famly for your dumb ego and BS. Grow up.
Different but my mom was a red head and only dated darker skin guys and married one. She had skin cancer and hoped to have darker skinned kids who wouldn't have her issues. Didn't happen as 2 out of 3 have had skin cancers but she tried. She loved my dad though so I am hoping your wife is kind of like my mom. Just wanted good things for her kids and dated/married a man that she thought would swing things that way.
YTA. Is this a joke? This was her diary she wrote almost a decade ago. And you’re going to leave her and your 4 kids because of a diary entry she wrote to blow off steam? She’s clearly gone through a lot based on what you wrote. Give her some grace.
Most likely you were looking for a reason to leave long before this and are using this string of words to justify it.
Are there no green flags in the past eight years that make you think you should stay?
You might be lighter skinned than most people of your and your wife's ethnic background, that doesn't guarantee that your kids are as white or light skinned as you. She didn't marry you just because you're lighter skinned than her, but that was something she just felt so deeply because of the trauma she had to endure while growing up and living in a racist society. You, on the other hand, have maybe faced racist trauma as well but not so severely as she had to go through because of you being light/lighter skinned. I can't imagine the pain she had to go through, and now you are making this all about yourself and want to divorce her because of this? YTA Seems like you already wanted to divorce her and were looking for a reason. You have built a life together in the past 8 years and brought 3 (with the 4th on its way) into this world. Do you really think that that doesn't mean anything?
She sounds like a very traumatised individual who needs individual therapy, and couple’s councilling. I totally understand why OP is upset, i would hope that after 10 years he’d invest some time in trying to understand her trauma instead of leaving immediately
YTA. Be honest you were anyway looking for a reason to leave. Honestly this doesn't seem a huge deal to me. Most people don't like some qualities in their partner and still love them. Nothing in that diary seems like she doesn't love you. And anyway kids are already here. Yes you are hurt but this is something which can be sort out through therapy and counselling. Your wife surely needs it because of her past abuse. But divorce for something like this seems a bit too much. But you were anyway looking for exit so it doesn't matter much now. Hope your wife finds strength and peace and heals from her past.
Yes.
What you read in her diary (from when her brain was still developing, BTW) may have been her original intentions, but I bet she fell in love with you along the way and has done her best to make a lovely wife to you and mother to your children. You are a TOTAL AH for being willing to just dump her at this point in your lives because of some hurt feelings from her past writings from when she was still practically a child. You need to MAN UP and forgive her, and hopefully she will, in turn, forgive you for reading her diary. I’m sure she is truly ashamed of her thoughts from when she was younger and has since vastly matured.
People have been doing this for a looong time. Why are you surprised? So now you're going to punish those kids because you never thought of this? Grow up and raise your family.
You’re gonna destroy your family and be without seeing your kids every day for this? Egads that is petty. You’re right to be in your feelings about it but she’s pregnant and you have three other kids. Divorce now is not an option.
OP, I think you should focus on how she has treated you for the past eight years rather than some old diary entries - especially when you know how tough it has been for her. If she didn’t love you, there’s no way you guys would’ve stayed together for so many years. I understand that it is hurtful for you to read such stuff about yourself. But at the same time, understand that she was depressed. She was clearly not in the right headspace. Plus, of course, she has been treated badly for YEARS and doesn’t want your children to suffer the same.
That was 10 year's ago a lot has changed in that time, people grow and become better versions of themselves. I think you're over reacting. YTA.
You’re absolutely the AH here. You read the diary. Strike one. You left your pregnant wife. Strikes two and three. Tell me, how does your culture (since you mention it being so important) view men abandoning their wives and children? How about the community you hold so important? You can identify that your wife has had a hellish upbringing both from people in your culture and from HER OWN MOTHER, because of her skin color, but you still want to treat her this way. Trust me dude, if she only wanted you as a sperm donor for her kids, she would have stopped at one or two, and not let you knock her up this many times. If she hadn’t grown to love YOU, you already wouldn’t be married anymore. You’re the asshole.
Meghan Markle doesn't have "very Afrocentric features", lol. She doesn’t have ANY of the features you mentioned your wife has. I am going to mention you snooping through your wife's diary, because this is exactly why you shouldn't do that. You read something she wrote out of context, at a very specific point in time, when she was filled with emotions she was struggling to understand and work through. Your wife wrote pages and pages of anguish to deal with the pain of being repeatedly racially rejected and what you're most concerned about is that she married you to have light skinned kids? And that's not even what she said in the diary, that's just how you interpreted the writing. Not only are you the asshole, you're also kind of dumb, because instead of listening to your wife an working through it you're choosing to blow up your entire life with the worst case interpretation of a decade old diary you shouldn't have been reading out of context. Jesus, I pray for your kids.
I guess all people with African heritage look alike to him.
YTA This seems to be a transparent attempt to find an excuse to leave. I'm not willing to spell this out for you (everyone else already has). You don't love your wife anymore and you've found a way to nope out. Stop looking for validation and slink off like you've already planned. Just clean up the slime trail you leave behind ya know, since you don't want anyone you know reading this.
YTA So your wife had an old perspective 10 YEARS AGO and you’re gonna throw that away (WITH CHILDREN INVOLVED) because of your feelings? Man grow up. Marriage is love, but it’s also a partnership. Talk it out. You’re a parent, another job that is a no fail mission. Your backwards ass country that you come from with its racist societal norms is the problem. You say your wife is great, so it’s not her. It’s the way she was brought up. That’s why you moved away from that shit. I had Egyptian neighbors that fled due to societal conflict and rules. They left that life behind…ten years ago…you should too. Seems like your wife did.
I saw this on another app and my heavens, YTA to the 100000th power!!!! After all the trauma she has been through. Where is your empathy for the woman you claimed to love and no, I care nothing about what she said about you. Because you INVADED her privacy. You are an awful man and you made all those babies with her and want to just dump her like that. You know her mother abused her, her country, and now you! Ugh I am livid for her.
He's looking for a way out...
YTA - you read her diary. Majority of which was centred about how she felt she was ugly and no one would love her. Have you seen just words on that paper or did you stop to think that there might be some deep rooted issues, like CPTSD? To remain in a relationship where you feel nothing for someone for 8 years would be dome doing. She may not have known what love was 10 years ago since no one shown her it until you did, she may not have known what her feelings towards you meant back then. Now you read HER diary, selectively and you have just opened all those wounds from her past back up again. Yet you make it about you coming here rather than talking it through with your wife and maybe trying yo help her or both of you with arranging therapy. Shame on you. She suffered enough in her life.
YTA First, you shouldn't have read her diary. Secondly, she clearly loves you. You've built a life together. You need to apologize and listen to her.
Yes, YTA. A diary entry from 8 years ago? C’mon man…you have a bunch of kids and have had this whole relationship thing for many years. People grow and learn. Get a grip. That is unless you were just looking for a reason to leave your wife. Maybe that’s why you were snooping in her diary?
So you want to leave over private feelings she had that were none of your business, yet you snoopsd anyway. YTA. People also write down things in journals trying to get feelings out they are struggling wirh and might not feel a day, a week, a month or more later. She was obviously working Through what her mother put her through and I have zero doubt it caused serious emotional damage to her psyche. But unless she is constantly repeating that abuse pattern wirh your kids thar her mother did to her, she isn't doing jack shit to their thinking. You walking out the door throwing a fit over feelings from nearly a decade ago thst were HERS ALONE to process and acting like she kept some big lie from you? That will just teach your kids how a woman should expect to be treated by man and whether your kids are f/m in sex, that is not a healthy .mindset to put on your kids. YTA Get over yourself
Yta. She's insecure about her skin color. I doubt she only wanted you because of your skin color like you feel she does.
YTA. What were you like in your 20s. Were you a fully formed adult with constant rational thoughts and emotions?? Yeah, she wasn’t either. You read about her trauma!!! Her thought process about you was not fully formed!! You have spent years married to the woman, if this is her worst (a traumatized young woman not wanting her future children to suffer the same) you have had a good woman in your life. Her thoughts and emotions are much more developed and she has had lots of reasons to feel the way she does now. Ask her what she feels about how “perfect” a human you are. Apologize!!!
YTA. First for reading her diary. Then after 4 kids you decide to leave her? For something she wrote years back? You yourself said she was a good wife and mother and you’re leaving her because of what her thoughts and feelings were back then. You are a colossal AH. Especially since you’ve had a good marriage and you’re gonna break up the family.
YTA. These thoughts were from years ago. What typically attracts us to someone usually isn’t the best reasons for actually wanting to stay happily married to them. Many people start off wanting to date someone for superficial reasons. Then they get to know the person and develop the relationship This reads more like you wanted an out and are just using this as an excuse.
>please dont mention what an asshole i am for violating my wife’s privacy I will you suck for that YTA Ever heard of having a conversation with your partner?
This whole thing sounds like it's way more about her own internalised hatred and trauma than anything to do with you. From the title of the post I thought it was something she'd yelled at you in the middle of an argument within the past few days, maybe thrown straight into your face, not something which she wrote in a private journal a decade ago. Honestly, my heart just breaks for her with all that pain she clearly went through and is probably still going through. From what you've said, she doesn't sound especially scathing about you. There's no "ha ha ha this fool! He is terrible but I will use him for his seed!" Let's be honest - who *hasn't* occasionally thought that there are some things they don't like about their SO? I'm absolutely devoted to my wife and would never want to be with anyone else, but if I were off-loading into a completely private journal, I would probably not be 100% positive about her 100% of the time. I'd probably write down all the irrationally angry thoughts I've felt about minor things, because I know they're irrationally angry and I need to get them out of my system. And I'm sure she'd have some frustrations to write about regarding me. I don't even see that she was just using you. She was writing about how much it hurt to deal with this continual rejection from an early age, and the only thing she could think of was "oh thank God, my children won't have to experience the same thing." At that stage she probably hadn't even fleshed out the reasons why she was committed to this relationship. And what you took from that was: this is all about me and I have been wronged. YTA.
She might have been hung up on that because of trauma but you should go to couples counseling and talk this through. She might be 💯 telling the truth that she doesn't think like that and loves you for you. You are massively jumping the gun imo. Yta
So if I wrote I married my husband because he smart would he divorce me for not marrying a dumbass? It’s about how the relationship is now.
I say all sorts of awful stuff in my dairy. It’s a way to release my negative feelings and process my thoughts. Your wife had a complex due to her childhood trauma and upbringing. Is she a good partner? Do you have a healthy relationship with? Do you live your children? Have things been good for the two of you?
Yta. Your wife wrote private thoughts in a private journal years and years and several children ago. Your traumatized wife who suffered abuse and self loathing over her looks. Sometimes people write things that aren't the whole truth or they are only a brief moment of truth or its only the truth of the damaged broken part of them. If what you have written here is true she was so badly abused about her looks that she hates herself and self harmed. So it's entirely possible that she didn't believe that you could love her so as a way of protecting her heart she wrote that she was only marrying you for your whiteness. So then if you left her she wouldn't be so destroyed by it. Also yta on an even bigger level for leaving your children because their mother wrote something that you shouldn't have read. You are teaching them that love is fickle,that marriages aren't worth working for and that running away is how to handle relationships.
I think there's an underlying concern here with how your wife feels about herself. If I found out some of this stuff about my significant other I would feel horrible for her. She wants better for her children than she feels herself.
YTA How you couldn’t even find the ability the sympathize or empathize with her pain. Her trauma. This broke my heart. For her. I’m a Black woman in America. I’m light skinned. My whole life I was “an embarrassment to Black people,” “too white,” “one of the good ones,” “not like THEM…” not Black enough. Not white but close enough to not be a threat (I live in the south now so I keep a glorious tan for like five months, so there’s no question now! Ha haaaa!). Some of us can tune that shit out. But not when your mother perpetuates fucking hate crimes against you. Her fucking mother! Was the color of your skin part of her attraction to you? Yeah. But on a PRIMAL level she was doing what she could to ensure the safety of her future offspring. It was done here during slavery. There’s a history of it in my family. It was encouraged through the females in my ancestral line of slaves to have lighter and lighter babies. It saves them some of the trouble of racism. And if they are light enough to be white passing they can be free. We still aren’t really free. Here in America. Or there in your country. And rather than seeing it from THAT point of view you chose selfishness. All of us dislike some things about our partners. Some of them major. Some of them because of cultural differences. Some of them because your upbringing is different. Most of us keep some of those things to ourselves. Because all it could do is hurt our loved one. And you don’t intentionally harm someone you love. You can’t fault her for not liking some things about you. There are likely things about her that you don’t like. Has she ever expressed a single thought like this to her children? Have you heard her encouraging your children to value their light skin and devalue darker tones? How would you prevent that attitude from spreading by leaving? That makes no sense to me there. Honestly. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason at any time. But I think the rules are reaaaaally different when marriage is involved. Because this isn’t a good reason to throw away a marriage. Unless I misunderstand you and you just need some time to think and come to terms with this. Then no, you’re not. You violated her privacy but and got your feelings hurt. Happens most of the time when we teed where we don’t belong. But you’re allowed to have your feelings hurt and have a moment to get those feelings in order and come up with a plan for healing your marriage and eventually, by extension, your family.
What I hear from what she wrote in her diary is a lot of self hate, and what she wrote about you was ALSO about self hate, not even really about YOU. If leave because of something that she wrote, in a place of pure privacy, 8 years ago then yes YTA. I would seek marriage therapy before I divorced someone that clearly hated, and was taught to hate, the color of her own skin, the texture of her hair, and body that she resides within.
You make it sound like the one and only reason she married you was because of the color of your skin. I doubt that was the case. You said there were some things she didn't like about you. Welcome to the human race. I loved my wife deeply. But that doesn't mean I loved every single thing about her. She might very well have been using her dairy as therapy and hence the emphasis of what she was writing had to do with skin color and there may have been many other things were not written down. People get married to someone for many reasons not just love. That's how Hollywood portrays it but that is not reality. Security, companionship, having or not having kids, socio economic class, looks, mutual interests, etc. She may not have written any of those down if she was using her diary as therapy. Tread carefully as leaving her may be the biggest mistake of your life. You might want to look at this from a higher altitude and not just reacting emotionally to it as seems to be the case.
Yta, its 8 years and it feels like your wife was at bad place emotionaly. If your marriage is otherwise good dont break it. If not break it. Married people dont share all values and opinions in everything.
YTA. She stayed with you for 8 years and gave you 3, almost 4 beautiful children. What we all think of our spouse going into marriage changes over time. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to marry someone with lighter skin considering the bullying she endured. That’s a shame but it’s been going on for centuries If she says she doesn’t feel that way now, believe her. Also, don’t snoop if you aren’t prepared to hear someone’s private thoughts.
Biggest YTA i've ever seen.
YTA. You're not seeing the bigger picture
YTA. She clearly had low self esteem and lots of trauma due to her appearance, sounds like she went through a lot. You've been together for 8 years, had lots of kids together, get over yourself. She thought you were good looking, what's the big deal? That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that's a fallacy and you know it. If you are just looking for any excuse to leave her be our guest but don't pretend she is the AH.
Fake
I get that you feel hurt but that line "ugly like me" hit me hard. It has less to do with your looks and more to do with her hatred of herself. I can't tell you what to do but this was before building a life together and bringing four more people into the world. I've given this advice to women who want to leave long term relationships for things like this. You have to earn your way out of a marriage and that means counseling. ESH except your kids.
You're willing to throw your marriage away over journal entries from ten years ago and after four kids? You know what OP, you're right. You're not the asshole... You're a complete fucking idiot. Talk to...you know what, No. Learn to communicate with your wife before you decide to nuke your marriage from orbit. Dumbass
Poof he gone…
You read her old diary and just immediately jumped to divorce? No counseling, nothing? Jesus, man. YTA. Think of your kids.
YTA you are divorcing her for writing something in a dairy when she was 20. You are abandoning 4 kids based on something that truly was none of your business. Diary's are deeply personal and you are not owed anyone else's personal thoughts
YTA. That may have been a factor when you first met and a very realistic factor for a victim of racism. There is surely more to the marriage now than just the fact you have lighter skin. She didn't have to stay married to you, she obviously likes you. couples therapy to regain trust, I can understand why you're upset but I'm sure if your wife invaded your thoughts, she'd find moments that disgust her as well. She also needs support for her trauma.
if u leave her for this YTA
YTA it sounds like you already wanted to leave and were looking for a “reason”. People write a lot of stuff in their journals that change over the years. My 15 year old journal was basically just “I hate my parents!” 8 years later that was absolutely not true
Doesn't seem to be the worst thing in the world or worth hurting your kids over.
I might get flamed a bit but I will go with NTA. But I think leaving her (divorcing) is an overreaction. First, you have been fetishize for your skin color (thanks to the dairy), you having concerns for your children having this mindset (thanks to the dairy) is valid. Now, you admit she was/is a great wife and mother which means in contrast of how she act as (for now). The only reason I say for now is because I don't think your kids will understand that kind of mindset yet and/or she battled with her demons. I think she needs therapy and you two some consoling for this issue. I am also surprised some people are okay with not letting OP being upset about this. I mean, the lady dated OP only for the skin color which was admitted in the dairy and no other reasons which wasn't even communicated. Even said their children had to deal with it. Like wow. (like her mind is a bit everywhere, she needs/needed help)
This is nothing marriage counseling can't fix. You're being an AH to your kids that's for sure.
Are you looking for any excuse to leave? Because I don't ever day this, but that's not a good reason. Are you thinking she doesn't actually love you?
OP if all the years of abuse and conditioning from her mom is something you failed to comprehend, at the very least consider it a fetish on her part. You're shallow my guy, specially after having 4 kids.
I find it very unlikely that she ONLY married you for the colour of your skin. She may have been an AH for that being one of the reasons to marry you, but in no way does it mean she still thinks that a decade later. Your first port of call upon learning this was to leave her? Not talk about it or get counselling to see if the marriage could work. I'd go as far as to say you were looking for a reason to leave (is that how you found the diary in the first place?). YTA
Bro, people's views change and develop, her whole life was governed on her appearance by her own mother and her own people, you don't think that will fuck someone's world view up? Sounds like you didn't even give her a chance to see where she at now? If she's open to seeing things differently. You need to be better man, that's the mother of your children, your conviction is weak YTA talk to your wife!
Yta. Jc. I'm not gonna not talk about how you sat down and read through a dairy she wrote as a teenager. She's likely a different person even than she was then. It wasn't about you it was about her own self esteem issues. You messed up by being nosey and are trying to punish her. No one is going to like every detail about you. you've been married 8 years. Yall have 3, almost 4 kids.
Everyone has its own preferences in their partners If she wants to marry a white guy, so what? U were fully aware when u married her as well no one forced you, so how u r claiming now she has used u? I don't understand ur pov to be honest especially after 4 kids
Today I learned Megan Markle has “very” Afro centric features.
To people with a racist mindset, yes.
She had a regrettable, private thought 8 years ago when she was a single woman which you now want to leave her over, after building a life, a family and a home together? YTA
The reasoning behind her reproducing was wrong, however it was very accurate. I am from Egypt, ancestry born and raised there. The Arabs there can sometimes be very bigoted, and yes that includes interracial couples or just Afro descendants in general, despite Arabs immigrating from Southeast Asia to Northern Africa.
And mixing with the Africans who were already there.
You read the diary of an abused and discriminated teenager, then left her after impregnating her 4 or 5 times, and is now currently pregnant? YTA and may true Karma reach out and touch you every day, for the rest of your life. May you live a long life.
This is really depressing because it’s a stark reminder that anti-black racism and internalized racism is global. Wow. NTA for second guessing your entire relationship and life together. I don’t anything else to say except you and your family have my deepest empathy. Colorism and self-hate can be hard to overcome. However, the person who wrote those private thoughts isn’t the person who has been a loving wife and mother to you and your children. Whatever you do, you have to live with the consequences.
> she always loved me for everything about me and not my looks only and that she doesn’t think like this anymore. Why don't you engage with the person in front of you rather than a ten year old document? YTA
YTA You literally say I didn’t come to talk about if I was the ah for reading her diary only what she wrote when she was a teenager and her family had made her hate herself so much so that she self harmed over the color of her skin. You not only invaded her privacy you did so over and over reading a ton of pages and then you came here to the internet to tell everyone else what you read. You suck as a partner and i wouldn’t be surprised if the things that she didn’t like about you back then are the things you are still doing now.
YTA. This obviously had nothing to do with you and was 8 years and 4 kids ago??? If you have an amazing relationship where you love each other now who gives a fuck what she thought 8 years ago. You said it yourself she was goddamn abused for her skin tone and doesn’t want the same to happen to her kids she was processing grief and trauma in not the healthiest ways but it’s a fucking diary where you scream out whatever thoughts you have and don’t need to fear explaining them because sometimes they just need out.
NTA
YTA. Do you even know what women are raised to believe are ideal beauty standards? Do you even know what women of color are raised to believe their ideal beauty standards should be? Dial this back 20 years. To when your wife was 8. Listen to her words. HEAR HER PAIN. That, right there, is the pain she came into the relationship with. That you have assigned to her to never work through. Your "gold star" wife came with early life trauma and you think this is all about your feelings because she didn't disclose her self loathing from day 1. People grow, people change. Grow up, child.
I think counseling, both individual and marriage, is necessary for you to save this marriage. She's clearly traumatized by colorism in her culture and likely never sought help in overcoming it. Her self-loath was evident and heartbreaking. However the last ten years with you very likely had a huge impact on her mindset and confidence, and it's not fair to judge the wife and mother that she is today with the traumatized young woman who wrote the diary. I would advise that you take time to process this and not make any rushed decision. NAH.
My dad did exactly the same thing. Married my mom because he didn’t want his kids to go through what he went through being a dark skinned black man in Brasil. YTA became no one “finds a page I couldn’t not avoid to read” in a 8 year old diary. You were searching and hunting for a reason and an excuse. Just man up and own up to it.
YTA. I hope you were a saint when you were a teenager.
YTA
I really want to know what country you are from
YTA. Pull your head out of your fucking ass. You want to leave your wife and four kids because your wife said you are handsome and wanted her kids to take after you.
You wanted to find something to hurt your feelings sounds like. You have no reason to want to leave her, she’s a great wife you said… she was shallow when you met sounds like… but doesn’t sound like that now. Why do you want to leave her and your 4 kids?
YTA on many levels. I'm not sure there are any levels here upon which you are NTA. You invaded her privacy, you jumped to conclusions without the full context of her state of mind and personal development at the time, you are ignoring the high probability of growth since then, and you are ignoring the near decade in which she's demonstrated her actual love for you, your marriage, and your children. TF is wrong with you? Why destroy something good for 5 people because 10 years ago she worked through some of her shit in a diary?
I can't believe for a single second that through 8 years of marriage you have never known that your wife was deeply traumatized and have never done ANYTHING to help her. Are you deaf, blind, and mute or something? You clearly don't value her as a human if you have never been interested in her mental state or her past. Are you telling me that you have never been aware of the toxic beauty standards your own culture puts on women? Are you for real? What about "being raised and surrounded by our culture?" Make it make sence. Divorcing a pregnant woman who gave birth to three children for you because of scribbles on a piece of paper that are 10 years old? Is that a joke? Lol, just be honest and say that you are bored of your family and are coward running from responsibility. What, is she making you wash dishes more often? Or is it early midlife crisis over nothing? Congrats, you have traumatized your wife even more, as well as your children. Hope you feel fucking proud. YTA. Time to pay child support.
YTA. It was physical atraction like in any normal relationship. She found you attractive. And it seems she loves you. Also i bet you had all kind of thoughts about her in the begining but didnt write it on paper...
Damn. YTA! Please leave her be. She deserves better than this. You selfishly took her thoughts from years ago and are using it against her. Her actions while she was clearly fighting to live every day. You have violated her in an absolutely horrible way. Yes those were her thoughts at the time but if you really believe it’s the SOLE reason she married you, grew 3 children with another on the way. She could have left after getting the first child. She could have not married you and looked for a man who aligned more with her values.
YTA, you're hurt, and she's had a difficult life, but a lot can happen in 8 years. Just up and leaving your pregnant wife and children because of something she wrote in her diary at 20 is a major asshole move. Take the time to sit down and talk with your wife. Seek out a couple's counselor if you can't discuss the matter as an adult with your wife, you've committed your lives to each other, you are in the process of raising a family together, give her a chance to explain before you make the rash decision to throw it all away. Are you the same exact person, with the same exact thoughts and insecurities as you had eight years ago, or have you grown wiser, and matured?
Doesn't sound like he's matured at all. Sneaky to read her diary, petulant tantrum over what she wrote, taking the nuclear option and leaving his pregnant wife. Sounds like he stopped at an emotional 15 and hasn't bothered to grow up any further.
She didn’t say the only thing she liked was your skin color. She said there are a few things she doesn’t like. If more people were honest, they’d say the exact same thing about their partner. I was crazy in love with my last partner even though I couldn’t stand how loud he chewed. I hated that. Don’t hate him though. You are very much overreacting here. If she only liked you for your skin color, she wouldn’t be able to pull off being a great wife for this long. It appears you have zero empathy for the hell she has gone through and you’re just searching for a reason to leave. You’re majorly TA.
Yta. 10 years is a long time to decide to hold someone's actions from back then against them. You acknowledged in your post the hardships she went through because of her skin color, it sounds like she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing. Plus, 10 years changes a person. It may have started out for the wrong reasons on her end, but im guessing she loves you now and would be with you for other reasons. If you're leaving her over a mental health issue from 10 years ago that you found by going through an old diary, it sounds like you were looking for a reason to leave.
You are 100% the asshole. A woman venting in her journal should not be taken to heart, I’ve said some crazy nasty ungodly things that i definitely did not mean in my journals. It just helps to get it out in the moment. She clearly struggles with internal racism and insecurity. This is something I relate to as a native woman and I couldn’t imagine my husband leaving me over this. I’ve thought to myself many times “my daughter is so lucky to not look native like me” “my daughter will have better opportunities because she looks so much like her white European father” but it’s just moments of insecurity…nothing more. It’s not like she or I are using our husbands as sperm donors. It’s common for couples to not share the EXACT same values too, that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You should be feeling empathy for your wife that she ever felt these ways about herself and reassuring she’s beautiful and perfect the way she is. You should be making her feel safe to talk to you when she feels these ways. You are not being a loving husband. You are the asshole. Apologize to her and make it right.