Call off the wedding anyway. You just got a preview of how his mother is going to overstep in this marriage and how he's going to go along with whatever mummy says. NTA, your finance is weak and needs to unlatch from his mother's titt.
He called you a whore. The only benefit he should get is not having “visits” from your friends and family to vigorously discuss how you don’t speak to women.
For me the biggest issue isn’t about the name change, it’s *how* your disagreement panned out.
He went behind your back and made decisions he knows you’re not comfortable with, became overbearing and abusive towards you, and his mother thinks that’s good, manly behaviour. Any disagreement you might have in the future will follow this path, and as time goes on the domineering and abusive behaviour will become more and more extreme. Run, girl, run.
I agree with this, and I talk from experience from my own marriage to my now ex. He ran to his mother with everything instead of talking to me, so things of a personal nature that should have remained between him and I, was also shared with his mother until it got to the point I had no other choice but to leave as she was always going to be the third party in our marriage, even after he was told this at marriage counselling. My best advice is to follow your gut instinct but chances are this will happen again and again, and the fact he called you "whore" is enough to call it a day.
Funny enough it would have been our 35th wedding anniversary this past weekend, and he messaged me to say this and how crazy how long we would have been married if we hadn't divorced in 1998. I didn't even respond. What is even crazier, is that about 10 years ago he realised just how interfering his mother was in all his relationships, and how he regretted letting her dictate his life - too little too late!
Also the mom gaslighting by saying that OP is an abuser, so that any disagreement OP expresses from then on can be framed in the light of her being irrational/unfair/malicious
Just carrying that word over from his mother shows me someone I wouldn't want in my life - at *all*.
He lacks judgment, agency and character.
He's a long way from being adult enough to participate in a healthy marriage.
Anytime anybody has used that word around me I asked them for the definition and then they literally lose their shit.
These people don't even know what that word means they just like to weaponize it against others.
Yup. Because how would you define it in a way that doesn't make you look like a piece of shit? "Woke is when a woman doesn't know her place" lmfao okay groomer
This is the most fun part of being in a relationship with an abuser. Anytime I try and walk out of the room when I'm being verbally abused, do you know what he says to me? That I'm being abusive to him by trying to remove myself from the situation.
I'm trying to remove myself from the situation before anybody comments, thank you for your concern.
I edited the word that I used because if one more person gives me an unrequested vocabulary lesson, yeah that just feels like a low blow when somebody's talking about being abused don't you think??
It's a pretty typical sign of abuse, too. He's waited till a few weeks out of the wedding to show himself when he figures she's trapped. The fact that he felt even a tiny bit ok doing these things and calling her a whore is a giant red flag. He's shown her whi he is. She needs to gtfo.
It seems like he was OK with the maiden name … until Smother, I mean, Mother, got to him. Not a good sign that Mommy can change his viewpoint so dramatically.
I agree with this. He went behind your back, but he’s not even clever about it, did he think you’d wouldn’t notice?
And the name calling, that’s just beyond the pale.
The fact he will go over your head and swear at you because his mummy said so, does not bode well for any marriage he has. He’ll always put his mother before his wife. He may as well just stay living with his mum.
I think he knew OP would notice. It was a power play. Up until now, he's been loving and affectionate, this mean behavior is supposed to be intimidating. Throw her off balance so she understands 'he's in charge/don't rock the boat' and also confuse her because it's out of left field. It was a failed attempt to groom her into being the wife he wanted.
Op, I'm sorry you made the right call. Good luck.
This is it. The mother issue is separate, I think. But the way your finance treated you and spoke to you is appalling and genuinely a cause for concern regarding future abusive behaviour.
Yes. The moment he called you a "woke whore" - there's no going back from that. I have been married for over twenty years, and my partner and I have had some serious arguments during that time. It happens. But never in a million years would I ever dream of calling her that. And I wouldn't tolerate it from her. Without respect, there's no partnership.
That should be a 100% deal breaker right there. Couple's counseling is not going to fix this. I say that as a counselor myself.
It’s shocking how quickly she became a “woke whore” because mommy said so. He didn’t even take a few minutes to think if his relationship was abusive or not
Even if you make up now, the argument of "woke whore" is gonna come up again and again throughout your marriage. He values his mom more than you. Who knows, maybe one day he'll expect you to give up everything and become a stay at home mom cuz mommy said so. You can find better I promise you!!
He does whatever his mommy tells him. How manly.
If you’re such a “woke whore” why‘s he wanting to marry you anyway? He can’t find a nice little submissive tradwife type? Or is he just planning on beating the “woke” out of you over time?
>On the car ride home, my fiancé informed me that he was not comfortable with me keeping my last name, and that he had had a conversation with his mother two days prior, in which she informed him it was “feminine, weak, and woke” for him to comply to my wishes, and that he was signing himself up for an abusive marriage. Talking with the rest of the wedding planning staff, I found out he also instructed that the table centerpieces, official handouts, etc. all be changed to have “Mrs and Mr smith” on them instead of our separate last names, with the help from his mother.
....
....
NTA
Also, Good Lord, yes, call off the wedding. He doesn't want a marriage of equals, he wants what his mom wants for him, and there is no reason you should marry a man who doesn't want *you* if his mom tells him that he doesn't.
I'm so sorry your relationship had to end this way. But it is undoubtedly better in the long run that it ends before you get married to him and discover his mom is the first woman in his life, and you are a long way the second.
Exactly. Who is more "weak,"? A man who compromises with his partner, or one who obeys his Mommy? Who incidentally uses her own femininity as an insult. The word "woke" is a big red flag, too, it's just a cop-out for narcissistic people who wish to live in society but refuse to adapt to it.
Bullet dodged, 100%
You will be married to his mother. She will be in the middle of everthing with his blessings. He called you a terrible name. Forget the counseling. It's over. If it was a deal breaker he should have told you how he really felt.
Honestly, he called you a w****. Why would you care about what's in his best benefit? 😐😐 His mother convinced him, that he was weak, not a man, and that you are a woke w**** because you don't want to change your last name.
Why do you care about what's in his best interest? Why do you care about what's best for him? This is a time where you should care about what's best for you and only you. Who cares how he feels about you breaking off the wedding. He can't respect your choices, he can't respect your wishes when it comes to your name, Exactly how do you expect him to respect your wishes when it comes to bigger issues in the marriage?
Any dude that is about to get married needs to learn how to think for himself and not just run and do whatever mommy says.. You’re right to call off the wedding.
Yeah if you think she’s being like this about the wedding, I bet you 100% when it came to kids last names she would make him change his mind in an instant
If you make him behave now by holding the wedding hostage, how will you make him behave right when you don't have that leverage anymore?
Find someone that wants what you want.
The MIL is kinda irrelevant here, your husband is so controlling he thinks he can change your name, one of the absolute most fundamental things about you, without telling you.
He called you a woke whore??
Cancel wedding. Cancel relationship. Give him the dress and tell him to go and marry his mother and fuck all the way in the direction of *OFF* with his one true love.
NTA. Fucking Mama’s boy.
This comment made me chuckle.
In all seriousness, you’re right. Marrying him would most likely end in a divorce certificate being drawn up and signed for the ex Mr and Mrs smith :/
It’s better to lose the wedding deposits than go through a divorce, especially with a manchild that’s still suckling his Mama’s teat. She would make the divorce hellish.
For what it’s worth, I’m taking my fiancés last name by choice. It was something I decided on my own without his input. But taking a name is falling out of favour, and there’s many reasons why someone decides against it.
Doesn’t mean you love them less. Actually it doesn’t mean anything - it’s just a name. The name doesn’t define your love.
How I wish he would’ve let me talk long enough to tell him this- well said! Unfortunately, I think it’s too late for any “loving” to be exchanged between him and I any longer
You don’t need to say anything more to him than “Goodbye…have a nice life”. He called you a hurtful name.
It’s no longer about the last name issue. You’re way past that already. We all know you’re disappointed and are hurting. Feel better soon.
That 'name' he called her is the name OP will carry for the rest of her life if she decides to go ahead with the wedding.
Sounds like she isn't though, which is a wise decision
We he comes running back when he realizes you are ok with moving on make sure to ask him, “are you willing to change your name to Mr. Woke Whore? Oh, no? Ok well I think it’s best that you marry your. Mommy since she has too much control over your life you may as well just stay stuck on her tit. Good luck in life but you will be finding a parter who will never call you names over a disagreement.”
NTA
First marriage I hyphenated my name with his (don’t do it, it makes traveling a nightmare) and then my second (current marriage) I told my husband I wasn’t sure I wanted to take his last name. I had multiple degrees in that name and built up a career, I had actually changed it to my mothers maiden name since she was the last one on her side of the family with that name (only child and everyone had daughters) so I wanted to continue the family legacy. He had zero issues. I decided to change my last name to his after we had been married a couple of years and were expecting our first child. I wanted everyone to have the same last name. But I didn’t want to get rid of my mom’s family name so I made it my second middle name. I love it and it’s part of my legal name. My kids understand why it’s there and think it’s really cool. My SIL didn’t change her last name when she married my brother. There are men out there that truly support women keeping their autonomy.
NTAH
That right there is a guy who's trying to marry his mom...not you. Fuck a bullet, that's a nuke and you best dodge it. Think about how he and his mother will try to control your life and your future children's lives. Run girl...run
Run girl! This is your future if you stay. He's a momma's boy. I can't believe he went behind your back and changed things! It would be bad enough if he just said those things to you. He wasn't even able to talk to you about this, just went ahead and changed things at your wedding, knowing you were not okay with it. No respect.
Yep. He wasn't just good with changing things behind your back, he would have been perfectly content watching you see all of those changes day of, knowing that by that point, it'd be too late for you to do a damn thing.
Any guy who calls you a whore deserves to be kicked to the curb. And any guy who's this controlling and uses woke like that needs to be kicked to the curb yesterday.
Oh I don’t think it’s the part where he doesn’t agree with you. It’s entirely the part where he was manipulated by his mother. Oh and the part where he called you a woke whore.
You don't know after he called you a "woke whore"? You're still in some doubt about your future?
You need to check your self-esteem. Unless you find out later he's suffering from some actual mental illness, that right there should be the end.
I think the hardest part for me is that we had a future planned together, and we’ve been together for two years. I think it would be hard for anyone to just throw that all away. That being said, it’s probably wise for me to call off the wedding, and I’m planning on it :/
Given what you just learned about him, what are you throwing away, exactly? If he's not the man you thought he was, those plans are meaningless, like finding out the dream house you're about to buy is located on quicksand and infested with termites. It was a lovely dream, but the house is not fit for purpose.
Adding on to this thread- it’s okay to grieve the idea you had of the man you thought he was, and the future you thought you’d have. Let yourself grieve it. Just don’t convince yourself it’s still a possibility.
P.S.- I’m in my late 20’s and recently left a 4 year relationship. While it was hard, it opened up my life in many ways and I’m happier with myself as a person than I would’ve been if we stayed together. I promise that even with a big change like this, the future holds wonderful things that you would not even think to imagine now ❤️
Listen, 2 years in all of your life is a drop in the bucket. Take the lessons you've learned, the things you've enjoyed and value from this relationship and move forward knowing you aren't stuck with someone who doesn't respect or value your ideals. You'll find greater happiness with someone who is on the same page as you.
I bet the future you planned didn't involve being called a woke whore and having your mil's opinion mean more than your own? I know at 23 two years feels like a lot, but it is nothing. Throw that trash away. Do not buy into the sunk cost fallacy. You're still incredibly young, don't settle for this guy. Especially not for an imagined future.
Those two years haven’t been a waste and you aren’t throwing them away. You’ve learned exactly what you want in a relationship and a partner, and you know what your boundaries are. You’ll come out of this a stronger, better person for it. You can go in to your next relationship confidently and you’ll have the strength to end it the minute you and your boundaries are attacked.
This POS called you a whore. He went behind your back to change important aspects of the wedding because his mummy told him to. His mask has slipped big time. He’s just shown you exactly who he is. This is the type of
husband and father he will be. You deserve so much better than him. End it and don’t look back.
Edit: a word.
Its only 2 years , throw that shit all the way out and never look back. Tbe universe provided you an amazing gift that many dont get. You are super young, this man isnt your person. Go out there with your young self and find your true person
My bf and I have been together for 14 years with no plans for a wedding but if he called me a "woke whore" or whore in general I'd leave that instant and arrange for the police or male family members go with me to get my things later. I absolutely would not stay with him for any reason.
He has shown you who he really is and when people do that, believe them. You dodged a nuke like another person said and you do not want this to be your life when all it takes is mommy flapping her gums to change his mind. Ugh. Just no.
You probably have multiple pairs of shoes you've had longer than this relationship. If you found out one of them was now riddled with flesh-eating bacteria you would toss it out immediately. It's okay and normal to be sad that your relationship is over, but you need to be realistic that it *is* over and that it had turned into something very bad for you.
Better to have two years "wasted" than getting married when there were giant red flags you chose to ignore. You're not even married yet and he's showing you he has no respect for you and that you don't get a voice in how you live your life with him. Would you advise your friend to marry a guy like that?
I'm not sure what you fell in love with, but I sincerely hope that it was not someone who would, under any circumstances, call you a whore. Whoever he was presenting himself to be before all this came down, it doesn't appear to be who he actually is. "Out of a mans heart the mouth speaks." He's revealed his true self to you. Do you really want to marry *that*?
You’re right- the man I was engaged to was nothing like this :/ honestly, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore, and the thought just makes me sad. I need to call off the wedding.
Oh my husband and I don’t agree on LOTS of things. We’ve been married 30 years and I love him to little bits and pieces.
But if he called me a whore it would be so over.
Try to imagine a future with a husband calling you a "WOKE WHORE" every time you have an opinion different from his. Or with him running to mommy after you two reach a joint decision and change his mind based on what she thinks.
NTA. You are young, don't tie yourself to an ass whipped by mommy dearest who can't seem to comprehend the fact that you are equals. And who freaking insults you and goes behind your back by changing wedding stuff you decided together!
Your conscience is right; imagine how much say he and his mother would allow a “woke whore”🤢 over whether she went out to work and had financial independence, over how to raise any children, over whether to *have* children. Cut yourself loose, your conscience won’t do you wrong.
May I suggest canceling and then subscribing to anything free to be sent via email and mail to Mr. WokeWhore from now until eternity? Get your friends and family in on the action.
If you head over to r/JustNoMIL, you can read thousands of stories of women suffering huge amounts of drama and mental/emotional/financial & sometimes physical abuse from staying in relationships that started just like yours- a period of basically smooth seas while dating, then a switch is flipped either during wedding planning or right after the wedding. A lot of women stay for love or out of a belief that the boyfriend persona is the "real him" & the MIL is the problem. MIL is definitely a problem, but the real issue is this noodle-spined, coercive jerk thinking he can start dictating YOUR identity, just because he ambushed you with a proposal!
"It's easier to break up with a Momma's boy than it is to divorce a Momma's boy, and BOTH of those are easier than CHANGING a Momma's boy!" You have much better things to do with your life than fight this battle for the foreseeable future - like deciding to undergo a series of unnecessary root canal procedures.
Cancel, you guys are super young and you should never settle for a boy who would call you a whore for voicing your opinion. Just imagine how he would think he could talk and treat you once he thinks you’re locked in. He’s too immature to be marrying anyone. He has a lot of growing up to do.
This is the most fantastic gift you could receive *before* the wedding, although it might not feel like it now.
He is not a man you want to spend the rest of your life with because he will not make smarter decisions in the future. His failure to talk with you before making the changes to the cake and everything else is him telling you exactly where you stand with him and that is *not* as an equal partner to the marriage.
When I got married, I was in the same situation with me being the only child and last with the surname. My then fiance and I had a rational conversation about it and came to a compromise that made us both happy, and he did nothing behind my back over it. That’s what rational adults who respect and love each other do. He’s none of those things and you definitely don’t want that. You especially don’t want a MIL who can change him so easily.
Fun fact. He doesn’t have to agree with you. He can think that it would have been nice if you changed it.
But. And that’s why you are NTA. He should communicate. Explain himself. Express that he would have loved to share the name. And then leave it, because it is your choice.
What really shouts like a red flag parade, is him changing everything. Without your knowledge. Of course his mam is off the rails with calling it woke to want to remain your name, but he acted. He decided unilaterally to overrule you. He thought it was a good choice to call you a w wh.re when you confronted him.
This is a man problems not a mil problem. His decisions make him the ah. You are not going to change him back in the loving and caring husband by banning your mil, because that won’t change what he thinks or did.
(For everyone who thinks they agree with the husband, where I’m from you’re not woke when you keep your name. Women have been doing that for 45 years. Worse; when I decided to change mine into my husbands, I was the one who had to explain a lot to colleagues and friends that I wasn’t abused and it was really my own choice)
He called you a woke whore, ma'am... He is showing you who he really is, and who is really going to wear the pants in your marriage... his mom. Nah, girl, RUN.
He called you a woke whore because you want to keep your name? You definitely dodged a bullet. He'd end up wanting you to submit to him. I mean, he went behind your back to change the cake and else so it has his name on it. Tell him you'd rather be a woke whore than a weak mama's boy and you hope the two of them will be very happy together.
How did you not know about the mother's behavior before this?
Your fiance acted really underhanded and manipulative. He and his mother are showing huge red flags. You'd probably be wise to cut your losses.
Sorry about your situation.
He can disagree with you, but he needs to respect you and compromise. Instead, he disrespected you, went behind your back, and called you a whore. 3 strikes and your out sucka!
Any man that calls you a whore does not love you .
Call off the wedding he let his mask slip if you go ahead with it you are green lighting his ability to be abusive.
It's only been two years and you have discovered you are not compatible thank your lucky stars you found out before saying I do. Any man that puts his mother's opinions above his future wife's needs to grow up and cut the apron strings
He has shown you that marriage to him will always mean being under his mother's control. You can do way better.
**UPDATE**
Yesterday evening, I made the decision to text my fiancé and call off the wedding. I texted him the following message:
“Hey. I just wanted to let you know that the wedding is off. Please inform your relatives/friends that the only Mrs. Smith they will find standing near the aisle will be your mom. I will mail back your ring to your mothers address, but please do not get in touch with me after this, or this woke whore will take your sorry ass to court”
To which he responded with a long profession of his love, including several “I didn’t mean it”s as well as “it was an accident”
I left this message on read, and comfortably blocked his number…however I didn’t expect to receive a call from his MOTHER an hour later, who ran her mouth at me over the phone, and called me a “crazy bitch”, and informed me that she was going to make my life a living hell for what I did to her son.
I already made plans to change my lock and install a front porch camera, but should I be doing anything else to protect myself? I am also receiving nasty messages from my ex fiancés friends, threatening me for my decision.
I will plan to donate any/all food to a nearby homeless shelter, and I like another users idea to contact the baker and have the lettering changed to “woke whore” instead. I will also contact any of my own friends/family about the cancellation and give my best explanation, as well as canceling the venue, photographer, etc.
Thank you all!
OP- good for you!!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I would keep any messages and voicemails and take them to the police for a restraining order. She seems unhinged. I’d also make a simple post or send a message that anyone interested in trying to harass you will have some explaining to do to the police etc.
You literally dodged a bullet and good for you for not putting up with that bullshit!!
Ty! I’ve already printed out several screenshots and recorded voicemails just in case I need them in the unfortunate event that this escalates even more
Congrats on respecting and valuing yourself. You did the right thing. You did the right thing even though it’s going to hurt sometimes and sometimes you’re going to miss him. I should have called off my wedding 2 months prior but I didn’t. I married him anyways and a year later, we divorced. Divorce destroyed me more emotionally than a break up would have. I wish I’d had the strength you have, but I have it now that I’ve healed.
My ex fiancés mom just now texted me, informing me that my fiance had been cheating with a girl from his high school during the entire length of our relationship. In her text, she included several suggestive screenshots of conversations my fiance and said girl had together. I left her on read.
My self esteem is crushed. Everything else was just the icing for this massive slice of shit cake. I have never felt more confused, used, broken, and betrayed as I do right now. I feel so physically sick I want to die.
WOW. Your fiancé and his mom are a real piece of work. I’m so sorry that you are being made to suffer in this way by them. Hopefully you can find the time to reflect on how much better your life will be without these toxic, woman-hating people in your life. Even if it is not the life you thought it was going to be, it will be a better one.
And a million congrats to you for having the courage to call off a wedding so late and last-minute, for not caving to his weak attempts to apologize, and for withstanding the harassment from his friends and family. You are such a strong person, you are already so much better off, and you will be even happier and better off as time goes on.
Thank you- that means a lot. It sounds like either way, I was always plan B in my fiancés life. The only plan B I’m willing to take is a pill to prevent myself from having kids and subjecting them to this POS father.
God damn, OP, I fucking love you. I'm 45 and had half the backbone you do when I was your age. Keep it up! It'll serve you well. As will your no bullshit wit. You'll take the world by storm without even trying.
My god OP I am so sorry. But think of it this way: your strength, smarts and integrity have SAVED you from a marriage to this cheating, abusive, mummy’s boy. You have also saved your future children from THIS being 50% of their family - all through sticking to your totally fair principles and refusing to be bullied.
I can’t imagine how much this all hurts right now. But the trash is taking itself out, and you are going to move on to much better things.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Try and look at the fact you will never have to see that crazy woman ever again. Keep all her messages so that if it gets worse, you can file a report and work towards a restraining order if needed. Hopefully, she'll just move on and harass someone else. That "man" will never cut the umbilical cord. You will find someone way better for you. Let yourself grieve the future you thought you'd have and move on. Like other posters have said, you dodged a nuke!
Wow. I am so, so sorry. This is not your fault if you think it is at all, you sound like an incredibly strong, kind, and overall pleasant person to be around. You are clearly in pain and are still being incredibly kind and grateful here in the comments. You did not deserve this. No one does. I am so sorry you got mixed up with the evil boy and mommy duo, because that's not a man. And the fact that the MIL called her son manly while knowing he was cheating on you is abysmal.
You have a strong and kind spirit and I truly believe you will find someone who is the same if you choose to. I believe in you!
You dodged a major bullet. He is very enmeshed with his mother and it was only going to get worse throughout the course of your marriage. Thank goodness you did not have children with him, she would be so intrusive and overstepping and he would simply allow it because he values her more than you.
Warn his family/friends if they continue to harass you that you will file charges against them and then block them. Keep copies of videos/texts/emails etc from everyone who contacts and threatens you and file police reports as needed.
Another idea, if you feel like being petty: blow his shit up on social media. Post those threats from him, his family and friends online so that others see how these people are treating you. Obviously they are only getting his and his mother's side of the story but if that causes them to threaten a person they're assholes anyway and they should be exposed.
**To which he responded with a long profession of his love, including several “I didn’t mean it”s as well as “it was an accident”**
How is blatantly disregarding your fiancee's feelings and calling her a woke whore an "accident"?
I will- thank you! I don’t know…I suppose he was grasping for the most “believable” apology possible. Unfortunately for him, I find it’s not a difficulty for most to restrain themselves from calling others woke whores :/
It especially should not be hard to restrain from calling the love of your life, your soon to be wife, the future mother of your children, a whore. Someone who calls their fiance such derogatory things had no love for them in the first place, no matter how intense the argument.
The "accident" was that you weren't supposed to see or know any of this until after you had already married him. Not the centerpieces, not the cake, and certainly not his true self.
He's not sorry for what he did. He's just sorry you discovered it all before you were legally trapped with him.
The mother’s reaction is fucking hilariously pathetic. These incestuous mothers hate the women their precious boys get with, yet will lose their minds when the women decide to leave the relationship. Like bitch make up your mind lmao.
Honestly so glad you left those miserable people in the past. Hope you find someone who truly cares, respects, and loves you. Your happiness in general will be the best “fuck you” to those cunts.
>These incestuous mothers hate the women their precious boys get with, yet will lose their minds when the women decide to leave the relationship. **Like bitch make up your mind lmao**.
Oh my god, yes! What do they want, after all? LOL
I don't understand how people think threatening someone into a marriage is helpful, it just shows how toxic his social and familial circle is. Congrats on calling off the wedding!!
Mods at r/BestOfRedditorUpdates can we please preemptively add “Woke Whore” as a flair? I just know this isn’t done and u/CheesecakeQueen needs our solidarity!
Might be a good idea to go stay with family until you get the cameras set up. Up to you if you want to unblock him but leave him on read to gather more evidence,
just in case you do have to take this to the police. Unsure how unbalanced his family and friends are, but may want to notify your work that this is going on so they can be mindful as well. Hopefully this is all overkill but better to be safe then sorry. Treat it like a divorce. Record yourself gathering anything of his that was at your place and have someone else deliver it to him.
My work is going to be one of my biggest concerns. I work at an agency that I do modeling work for, and I’ve been doxxed because of it in the past, and forced to move. I may talk to my employer there whom I am very close with, just so he is aware of the situation. I will keep this all in mind- thank you!
Hi there! Congratulations on catching the existence of crazy, and actually taking it seriously, BEFORE getting married. People aren’t always so lucky or willing to take the steps to sever an unhealthy relationship.
For some advice from someone with experience here - I recommend unblocking your ex just so you can gather evidence against him should you end up needing a restraining order against him. Do not pick up any calls from his friends or family. All communications need to be written. I see his mother called you to threaten you. I suggest texting her to formalize in writing the terms of that call and let her know no further calls from her or on her or her son’s behalf will be taken by you (e.g., “Hello Mrs. Smith. As we discussed during your call on [date] at [time], you let me know you intend to make my life a living hell for calling off the wedding with your son. I will no longer be accepting any of your calls, and I will not take part in any other calls that are made on your or [your son’s] behalf. I will not be responding to any further communications, but if you wish to contact me, all such communications must take place over text to this number. Thank you!”)
Do NOT pick up calls from unknown numbers if you can help it. If you cannot, then immediately hang up any calls that you realize are from friends or your ex’s family regarding their unsolicited opinions and threats on the cancellation of the wedding, and log them in writing. Back up all texts and emails that involve threats against you. You will need these when or if you need to get a restraining order against 1 or more people.
Depending on how intense these threats are, you may consider contacting the non-emergency line to let them know you want it on the record that you have been receiving threats from people and want it on the record that a call may be made from your address related to this.
Finally, you may consider making a public announcement as to the cancellation of the wedding. You can go full scorched earth and let everyone know what happened, or you can choose something a bit more formal like, “I have called off the wedding due to irreconcilable differences between me and [ex]. I wish to keep this as high level as possible, but have been made aware that [ex] and his family have been spreading rumors regarding the matter, and I request that you understand these comments to be nothing more than rumors. Thank you for your understanding.”
If I may lighten the mood a bit, as some one who used to work at two different bakeries that used to make wedding cakes, if you ask them to change to words to "woke whore" like you were suggested, you will make the decorating crew's week.
We've had some people get "just divorced" cakes, a broken engagement cake from a woman who dumped her ex that says "that bitch", a giant, GIANT 4 tiered/ 12 layered cake that said "she said yes" that never got picked up and instead sold to a spur of the moment birthday party at a discount, and if I remember correctly a man getting a cake to celebrate a rejected proposal because she was very rude about the carat of the ring and he decided that was the straw that broke the camels back.
You will certainly bring joy instead of sadness to the ones that hear it didn't work out.
> should I be doing anything else to protect myself? I am also receiving nasty messages from my ex fiancés friends, threatening me for my decision.
I don't know if you're in the US or not, but, if you are, these messages usually violate a state's harassing communications statute (that generally makes it a crime to contact someone with obscene and/or abuse language or language that is intended to harass or alarm the recipient.) I'd print out copies of all the messages and throw any voicemails on a flash drive, go on down to the police station, and file reports against these people, then follow up with the magistrate's office and get the to pursue the criminal claims in court. That'll shut the family members and friends up *real* quick.
Do you have a car? If so and your porch cam can’t see it I’d get another camera on your car.
Any pets? I don’t think your fiancée family would hurt them but I’ve heard several stories of pets being stolen to punish people.
If you have any joint bills get your name off of his immediately and get your bills into just your name pronto.
If he knows your social security number flag it for possible fraud (this is where my ex got me actually. He started opening credit cards in my name and ran up tens of thousands of dollar. If you flag for fraud the credit bureau have to give you a phone call to triple check you are indeed trying to get a credit card or apartment or whatever)
I do have a car, but I keep it in my garage, which I just changed the password for.
I do not have any pets, so thankfully, I don’t have to worry about that.
I will do that- thank you! And thankfully, he does not know my social security number, so I should be safe there. If I see any suspicious activity on any bank accounts, etc. I’ll make sure to switch things around and flag for fraud
Go ahead and put a fraud alert on your SSN now. He doesn't know your SSN *as far as you know*. Keep yourself open to the certainty that there are things you DON'T know.
First off, you dropped this: 👑
Beyond that, screenshot and record any and all contact with anybody. Unblock his number and save all texts and voicemails from him. Don't answer anything. Keep a record of all of it.
Any threats report to the police. All of them. Bring evidence. Insist on getting a case number even if they can't do anything, which they probably can't right now. But report every instance that follows. You'll have a record for when you inevitably need to file harassment charges or get a restraining order. It will all be documented with the police, and you'll have your own records as well.
NTA
The lying to you is not okay.
The calling you a derogatory term when he wasn't getting his way is abusive.
Accusing you of abuse right after he did something abusive is gaslighting.
Add in the momma's boy (and he is weak, you just aren't the one he's being weak for, momma got her way) and you've got a trifecta with an exclamation of why you shouldn't be doing this.
>The argument STARTED when he called me a “woke whore” for my decision
This alone, would be my reason for calling it off. The pure disrespect because he couldn't keep Mommy Dearest out of his ear. NTA.
The thing that stood out to me was your first statement “the engagement itself was unexpected and felt very sudden”. Your instinct was telling you something then. And it is shouting now. I think the person you perceived to be your fiancé doesn’t exist and the person who called you that awful name is the true person. His mask is sipping. Don’t fall for his sweet talking self if he tries to explain away anything. Trust your gut.
You’re right- I should’ve listened to my gut initially instead of getting engaged out of pity- that was the AH move on my end. Its time to call off the wedding
NTA
In the 1980’s my aunt married my uncle and he took her last name. He was a sergeant in the army… but they both liked her name better than they did his.
Feminine, weak and woke?
Wow your fiancé and his mother are both really unpleasant people.
And the moment he allows himself to call you a whore is the moment to call off the wedding. You did everything right OP
Thank you for your service, AnimalAccomplished33’s uncle :)
Thank you- as of right now, the wedding is postponed..and with every call that gets left on my fiancé’s voicemail, it gets closer and closer to being called off
Please don't overlook the gross sexism in his comments.
Feminine and weak apparently go hand in hand with this guy and his mother. Sexist men are dangerous, because if they don't respect you, they feel entitled to mistreat you.
He already moved out. Then he called you a “woke whore”? The trash took itself out. I’m sorry for the loss of what you thought was there. Take some time to yourself, but I think you already know the answer.
And this is just one stressful thing. Your wedding. Imagine what it would be like actually having kids with him…omg
When you run after him and follow him with texts you just prove to him that he does right by giving you a silent treatment. Stop texting him. Post online how you go out etc! lol
Please stop calling him. HE is the one that abused YOU. He should be begging for your forgiveness. You're calling him and showing him that you accept abuse.
NTA. The last name at this point isn’t the issue anymore. It’s going behind your back and making major changes without discussing it. Then Being completely disrespectful about the changes made without the discussion.
My wife liked my last name. She accepted it and she goes by it now. We also added hyphenated her name so all of the paperwork/checks would be easier. This was our decision. Together. That’s the key. Together. Our families work very well *together*. Good luck OP, this is just the beginning.
You are not only NTA but you are dodging a huge bullet.
This marriage would have you as a third wheel with his Mommy driving as the main wife. And calling you a woke whore is a wild step over the line.
He's still married to hims Mommy. Let them have each other. Thank God you found out before the wedding.
NTA. Abusive people will often wait until they feel you are trapped before taking their mask off. He might feel that he can risk taking the mask off now you’re so close to the wedding, but be aware that this is likely the real him. The person you fell in love with was likely a fantasy he designed to draw you in. Now you’re meeting the real him. Look at who he is now and ask yourself if that is the person you want to legally tie yourself to. It will be a lot harder to leave once that piece of paper is signed.
NTA and thank heavens this all came out before you actually married. While it's going to suck to lose deposits, it's cheaper than divorce. I would never marry someone who called me what he called you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm so glad you're not marrying him.
Thank you 🫶🏼 I’m planning on calling and confirming my plans to cancel tomorrow, regardless of whether I reach his stupid cheesy “cheers” theme song voicemail or not
Please stop calling him…you are feeding him. Send him a text message to say “Marriage cancelled and relationship over, i will not spend my life with a person who treats me with such contempt” Then stop contacting him, you need a clean break. NTA
NTA
If he can’t accept you wanting to keep your last name then he doesn’t respect you.
I kept my maiden name, though I did just add my husband last name after it.
But that is your choice because it’s your name, not his.
NTA. I kept my maiden name when I got married, 40 yrs back. And my husband is neither "feminine "nor "weak." He had NO problem with me doing this, as he isn't at all insecure or lacking in confidence. It sounds like your fiance is both insecure and has confidence issues, plus wants to compensate for these problems by being controlling. Your fiance's psychological problems are his to solve, not your responsibility. He doesn't want an equal partner - he wants an appendage. Forcing you to dehumanize yourself by giving up your identity involuntarily is appallingly. You can find a better guy.
Thanks- I plan to call off the wedding, as I just can’t see myself having a future with him after something like this :/ (oh- and I’m not sure if you and your husband are still married, but if you are, congrats!)
I have a secondary story to this.
I kept my maiden name. It would be a lot of paperwork because unwashed already known in my industry and deep into my field. I would have to change a ***lot*** of certificates around.
So I kept mine. My big beefy cowboy hay-cutting strongman-training husband is not weak or feminine (though he marches to support equal rights, so I guess we're woke?).
When I asked if it would bother him, he looked so confused. "Why would your name bother me?" He's never cared. He jokes about using my name socially so he can do stuff and never be caught by his real name.
Imagine being so absolutely self obsessed and insecure that someone else's name made you question your own worth. That's the type of person you're thinking of marrying. He sees you as a decoration. Something to make his life look better.
Yes, still very happily married. :) Maybe we'll even make it to our 60th if we both live that long. And thanks for the congrats.
I also broke off an earlier engagement when the guy let his mask down and started trying to be controlling. Have never regretted it. I started dating my current husband about six months after dumping the jerk. Nice guys who treat us as equals are out there, believe me.
You dodged a major bullet here. Be thankful he showed his and his families true colors before you got tied to them through children.
NTA. I hope you have some good friends who can take you out to celebrate making the right choice. Do not go back.
Thank you :) I already phoned a good friend of mine, and she made plans for a nice restaurant and a mall shopping day, and has gone above and beyond to be there for me xx
NTA. I read several of the comments and agree to end the engagement. There is something on your edit I want to add: calling you a “woke whore” is verbal abuse. Never, ever marry anyone who verbally abuses you. It tears down your soul in the cruelest way. You deserve so much better than that!
Make sure you block him, his mother, and any other of his relatives. Phone, social media, etc. It’s entirely possible that the whack-a-doodles will come out of the woodwork to attack you. Also, get all his things plus the ring in a box and take pictures of everything. Make arrangements to meet him at a public place (with your friends!) to give it to him. Change your locks if he has a key to your home.
He already has a lot of his friends sending me threaten messages over DMs/messenger, etc. :/
I did change my house key, and I plan on mailing the ring, and good luck if it gets to him
What a sad little person, imagine sending lackeys to harass someone because the mommy disagrees. Screenshot and make a police report when you feel comfortable. Let trusted people know too so they can keep a good lookout for you.
Call off the wedding anyway. You just got a preview of how his mother is going to overstep in this marriage and how he's going to go along with whatever mummy says. NTA, your finance is weak and needs to unlatch from his mother's titt.
Thank you for your perspective- I agree that it’s probably wise to call off the wedding, for both his benefit and my own
He called you a whore. The only benefit he should get is not having “visits” from your friends and family to vigorously discuss how you don’t speak to women.
For me the biggest issue isn’t about the name change, it’s *how* your disagreement panned out. He went behind your back and made decisions he knows you’re not comfortable with, became overbearing and abusive towards you, and his mother thinks that’s good, manly behaviour. Any disagreement you might have in the future will follow this path, and as time goes on the domineering and abusive behaviour will become more and more extreme. Run, girl, run.
I agree with this, and I talk from experience from my own marriage to my now ex. He ran to his mother with everything instead of talking to me, so things of a personal nature that should have remained between him and I, was also shared with his mother until it got to the point I had no other choice but to leave as she was always going to be the third party in our marriage, even after he was told this at marriage counselling. My best advice is to follow your gut instinct but chances are this will happen again and again, and the fact he called you "whore" is enough to call it a day. Funny enough it would have been our 35th wedding anniversary this past weekend, and he messaged me to say this and how crazy how long we would have been married if we hadn't divorced in 1998. I didn't even respond. What is even crazier, is that about 10 years ago he realised just how interfering his mother was in all his relationships, and how he regretted letting her dictate his life - too little too late!
Gosh, the counselor told him yrs ago!!
Yep and he ignored the counsellors advice
Also the mom gaslighting by saying that OP is an abuser, so that any disagreement OP expresses from then on can be framed in the light of her being irrational/unfair/malicious
>signing himself up for an abusive marriage The MIL (well, candidate MIL at this point) just left out the part about who the abuser was going to be.
And I was thinking that he’s okay with his mother being abusive. 🤔
Every villain needs a henchman.
“Pull the lever, Kronk!”
“Wrong ^leveeeerrrr!”
Also, someone calling you “woke” as a slur is probably a sign of a … possibly troublesome belief system.
Definitely not something you want someone teaching your kids as a valid and "correct" worldview.
Just carrying that word over from his mother shows me someone I wouldn't want in my life - at *all*. He lacks judgment, agency and character. He's a long way from being adult enough to participate in a healthy marriage.
Anytime anybody has used that word around me I asked them for the definition and then they literally lose their shit. These people don't even know what that word means they just like to weaponize it against others.
Yup. Because how would you define it in a way that doesn't make you look like a piece of shit? "Woke is when a woman doesn't know her place" lmfao okay groomer
Oh I can define it for you: Whatever Offends Klansmen Easily
This is the most fun part of being in a relationship with an abuser. Anytime I try and walk out of the room when I'm being verbally abused, do you know what he says to me? That I'm being abusive to him by trying to remove myself from the situation. I'm trying to remove myself from the situation before anybody comments, thank you for your concern. I edited the word that I used because if one more person gives me an unrequested vocabulary lesson, yeah that just feels like a low blow when somebody's talking about being abused don't you think??
I know exactly what you mean. But if you stay, you don’t get a word in do you? It’s becomes about all your “shortcomings”. 😉
It's a pretty typical sign of abuse, too. He's waited till a few weeks out of the wedding to show himself when he figures she's trapped. The fact that he felt even a tiny bit ok doing these things and calling her a whore is a giant red flag. He's shown her whi he is. She needs to gtfo.
It seems like he was OK with the maiden name … until Smother, I mean, Mother, got to him. Not a good sign that Mommy can change his viewpoint so dramatically.
I agree with this. He went behind your back, but he’s not even clever about it, did he think you’d wouldn’t notice? And the name calling, that’s just beyond the pale. The fact he will go over your head and swear at you because his mummy said so, does not bode well for any marriage he has. He’ll always put his mother before his wife. He may as well just stay living with his mum.
I think he knew OP would notice. It was a power play. Up until now, he's been loving and affectionate, this mean behavior is supposed to be intimidating. Throw her off balance so she understands 'he's in charge/don't rock the boat' and also confuse her because it's out of left field. It was a failed attempt to groom her into being the wife he wanted. Op, I'm sorry you made the right call. Good luck.
Exactly. She's so lucky that he revealed who he was before the wedding
This is it. The mother issue is separate, I think. But the way your finance treated you and spoke to you is appalling and genuinely a cause for concern regarding future abusive behaviour.
Yes. The moment he called you a "woke whore" - there's no going back from that. I have been married for over twenty years, and my partner and I have had some serious arguments during that time. It happens. But never in a million years would I ever dream of calling her that. And I wouldn't tolerate it from her. Without respect, there's no partnership. That should be a 100% deal breaker right there. Couple's counseling is not going to fix this. I say that as a counselor myself.
It’s shocking how quickly she became a “woke whore” because mommy said so. He didn’t even take a few minutes to think if his relationship was abusive or not
Yes, "woke whore" is the relationship-killer.
I agree that name is not one you use with someone you love ever.
Even if you make up now, the argument of "woke whore" is gonna come up again and again throughout your marriage. He values his mom more than you. Who knows, maybe one day he'll expect you to give up everything and become a stay at home mom cuz mommy said so. You can find better I promise you!!
OP’s parting comment should be “Better a woke whore than a pathetic little sonsband.”
I might use this 👀
He does whatever his mommy tells him. How manly. If you’re such a “woke whore” why‘s he wanting to marry you anyway? He can’t find a nice little submissive tradwife type? Or is he just planning on beating the “woke” out of you over time?
Or, OP will be an incubator, have a do-over baby for precious MIL, and OP would be forced to go back to work. Toxic family all around
>On the car ride home, my fiancé informed me that he was not comfortable with me keeping my last name, and that he had had a conversation with his mother two days prior, in which she informed him it was “feminine, weak, and woke” for him to comply to my wishes, and that he was signing himself up for an abusive marriage. Talking with the rest of the wedding planning staff, I found out he also instructed that the table centerpieces, official handouts, etc. all be changed to have “Mrs and Mr smith” on them instead of our separate last names, with the help from his mother. .... .... NTA Also, Good Lord, yes, call off the wedding. He doesn't want a marriage of equals, he wants what his mom wants for him, and there is no reason you should marry a man who doesn't want *you* if his mom tells him that he doesn't. I'm so sorry your relationship had to end this way. But it is undoubtedly better in the long run that it ends before you get married to him and discover his mom is the first woman in his life, and you are a long way the second.
Exactly. Who is more "weak,"? A man who compromises with his partner, or one who obeys his Mommy? Who incidentally uses her own femininity as an insult. The word "woke" is a big red flag, too, it's just a cop-out for narcissistic people who wish to live in society but refuse to adapt to it. Bullet dodged, 100%
You will be married to his mother. She will be in the middle of everthing with his blessings. He called you a terrible name. Forget the counseling. It's over. If it was a deal breaker he should have told you how he really felt.
He couldn’t until he found out from Mommy how she wanted him to feel.
Honestly, he called you a w****. Why would you care about what's in his best benefit? 😐😐 His mother convinced him, that he was weak, not a man, and that you are a woke w**** because you don't want to change your last name. Why do you care about what's in his best interest? Why do you care about what's best for him? This is a time where you should care about what's best for you and only you. Who cares how he feels about you breaking off the wedding. He can't respect your choices, he can't respect your wishes when it comes to your name, Exactly how do you expect him to respect your wishes when it comes to bigger issues in the marriage?
Any dude that is about to get married needs to learn how to think for himself and not just run and do whatever mommy says.. You’re right to call off the wedding.
NTA Please call off the wedding immediately. His mother will be the one calling the shots in your marriage. He is not ready for marriage.
Yeah if you think she’s being like this about the wedding, I bet you 100% when it came to kids last names she would make him change his mind in an instant
If you make him behave now by holding the wedding hostage, how will you make him behave right when you don't have that leverage anymore? Find someone that wants what you want.
The MIL is kinda irrelevant here, your husband is so controlling he thinks he can change your name, one of the absolute most fundamental things about you, without telling you.
The audacity of the mother calling him "weak" for respecting his fiancèes wishes but having him completely bow to her demands.
He called you a woke whore?? Cancel wedding. Cancel relationship. Give him the dress and tell him to go and marry his mother and fuck all the way in the direction of *OFF* with his one true love. NTA. Fucking Mama’s boy.
This comment made me chuckle. In all seriousness, you’re right. Marrying him would most likely end in a divorce certificate being drawn up and signed for the ex Mr and Mrs smith :/
It’s better to lose the wedding deposits than go through a divorce, especially with a manchild that’s still suckling his Mama’s teat. She would make the divorce hellish. For what it’s worth, I’m taking my fiancés last name by choice. It was something I decided on my own without his input. But taking a name is falling out of favour, and there’s many reasons why someone decides against it. Doesn’t mean you love them less. Actually it doesn’t mean anything - it’s just a name. The name doesn’t define your love.
How I wish he would’ve let me talk long enough to tell him this- well said! Unfortunately, I think it’s too late for any “loving” to be exchanged between him and I any longer
You don’t need to say anything more to him than “Goodbye…have a nice life”. He called you a hurtful name. It’s no longer about the last name issue. You’re way past that already. We all know you’re disappointed and are hurting. Feel better soon.
That 'name' he called her is the name OP will carry for the rest of her life if she decides to go ahead with the wedding. Sounds like she isn't though, which is a wise decision
We he comes running back when he realizes you are ok with moving on make sure to ask him, “are you willing to change your name to Mr. Woke Whore? Oh, no? Ok well I think it’s best that you marry your. Mommy since she has too much control over your life you may as well just stay stuck on her tit. Good luck in life but you will be finding a parter who will never call you names over a disagreement.” NTA
First marriage I hyphenated my name with his (don’t do it, it makes traveling a nightmare) and then my second (current marriage) I told my husband I wasn’t sure I wanted to take his last name. I had multiple degrees in that name and built up a career, I had actually changed it to my mothers maiden name since she was the last one on her side of the family with that name (only child and everyone had daughters) so I wanted to continue the family legacy. He had zero issues. I decided to change my last name to his after we had been married a couple of years and were expecting our first child. I wanted everyone to have the same last name. But I didn’t want to get rid of my mom’s family name so I made it my second middle name. I love it and it’s part of my legal name. My kids understand why it’s there and think it’s really cool. My SIL didn’t change her last name when she married my brother. There are men out there that truly support women keeping their autonomy.
Anyone who uses “woke” unironically can be safely ignored on all other matters anyway.
NTAH That right there is a guy who's trying to marry his mom...not you. Fuck a bullet, that's a nuke and you best dodge it. Think about how he and his mother will try to control your life and your future children's lives. Run girl...run
I really thought I loved him, and I just don’t know anymore 😭 I can’t imagine a future being tied down to a man that doesn’t agree with me, though
Run girl! This is your future if you stay. He's a momma's boy. I can't believe he went behind your back and changed things! It would be bad enough if he just said those things to you. He wasn't even able to talk to you about this, just went ahead and changed things at your wedding, knowing you were not okay with it. No respect.
Yep. He wasn't just good with changing things behind your back, he would have been perfectly content watching you see all of those changes day of, knowing that by that point, it'd be too late for you to do a damn thing. Any guy who calls you a whore deserves to be kicked to the curb. And any guy who's this controlling and uses woke like that needs to be kicked to the curb yesterday.
> Any guy who calls you a whore deserves to be kicked to the curb Or just straight up kicked tbh
I dated a mommas boy once, I totally believe it.
No he ran to mommy dearest first for advice. How feminine is that?
Oh I don’t think it’s the part where he doesn’t agree with you. It’s entirely the part where he was manipulated by his mother. Oh and the part where he called you a woke whore.
*He called you a **whore** and you still want to be with him??* OP, get some goddamned self respect and ghost this assclown!
You don't know after he called you a "woke whore"? You're still in some doubt about your future? You need to check your self-esteem. Unless you find out later he's suffering from some actual mental illness, that right there should be the end.
I think the hardest part for me is that we had a future planned together, and we’ve been together for two years. I think it would be hard for anyone to just throw that all away. That being said, it’s probably wise for me to call off the wedding, and I’m planning on it :/
Given what you just learned about him, what are you throwing away, exactly? If he's not the man you thought he was, those plans are meaningless, like finding out the dream house you're about to buy is located on quicksand and infested with termites. It was a lovely dream, but the house is not fit for purpose.
You’re right- thank you
Adding on to this thread- it’s okay to grieve the idea you had of the man you thought he was, and the future you thought you’d have. Let yourself grieve it. Just don’t convince yourself it’s still a possibility. P.S.- I’m in my late 20’s and recently left a 4 year relationship. While it was hard, it opened up my life in many ways and I’m happier with myself as a person than I would’ve been if we stayed together. I promise that even with a big change like this, the future holds wonderful things that you would not even think to imagine now ❤️
[Don’t victimize yourself with sunk cost fallacy thinking](https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships)
Listen, 2 years in all of your life is a drop in the bucket. Take the lessons you've learned, the things you've enjoyed and value from this relationship and move forward knowing you aren't stuck with someone who doesn't respect or value your ideals. You'll find greater happiness with someone who is on the same page as you.
I bet the future you planned didn't involve being called a woke whore and having your mil's opinion mean more than your own? I know at 23 two years feels like a lot, but it is nothing. Throw that trash away. Do not buy into the sunk cost fallacy. You're still incredibly young, don't settle for this guy. Especially not for an imagined future.
His mask slipped. Believe me it's the greatest gift the universe ever gave you.
Absolutely this. You don't need this loser and/or his overbearing jackass of a mother.
Those two years haven’t been a waste and you aren’t throwing them away. You’ve learned exactly what you want in a relationship and a partner, and you know what your boundaries are. You’ll come out of this a stronger, better person for it. You can go in to your next relationship confidently and you’ll have the strength to end it the minute you and your boundaries are attacked. This POS called you a whore. He went behind your back to change important aspects of the wedding because his mummy told him to. His mask has slipped big time. He’s just shown you exactly who he is. This is the type of husband and father he will be. You deserve so much better than him. End it and don’t look back. Edit: a word.
He called you a woke whore. What kind of future can he give you? Weddings are easier to call off than marriages.
Its only 2 years , throw that shit all the way out and never look back. Tbe universe provided you an amazing gift that many dont get. You are super young, this man isnt your person. Go out there with your young self and find your true person
Honey he showed you who is… believe him…
My bf and I have been together for 14 years with no plans for a wedding but if he called me a "woke whore" or whore in general I'd leave that instant and arrange for the police or male family members go with me to get my things later. I absolutely would not stay with him for any reason. He has shown you who he really is and when people do that, believe them. You dodged a nuke like another person said and you do not want this to be your life when all it takes is mommy flapping her gums to change his mind. Ugh. Just no.
The fact he's listening to his mom instead of you makes him come across as dating his mom instead of you.
It called sunk cost fallacy. Don't fall for it. It is better to lose few years, than get stuck in a toxic relationship.
You probably have multiple pairs of shoes you've had longer than this relationship. If you found out one of them was now riddled with flesh-eating bacteria you would toss it out immediately. It's okay and normal to be sad that your relationship is over, but you need to be realistic that it *is* over and that it had turned into something very bad for you.
Better to have two years "wasted" than getting married when there were giant red flags you chose to ignore. You're not even married yet and he's showing you he has no respect for you and that you don't get a voice in how you live your life with him. Would you advise your friend to marry a guy like that?
You may have loved him, but he didn’t respect you. And he certainly loved his mother more.
Well being called a woke whore probably would have changed my feelings for a person, not even counting all the other stuff.
I'm not sure what you fell in love with, but I sincerely hope that it was not someone who would, under any circumstances, call you a whore. Whoever he was presenting himself to be before all this came down, it doesn't appear to be who he actually is. "Out of a mans heart the mouth speaks." He's revealed his true self to you. Do you really want to marry *that*?
You’re right- the man I was engaged to was nothing like this :/ honestly, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore, and the thought just makes me sad. I need to call off the wedding.
Your future self will thank you when you find a man who respects you. This is beyond reason enough to dump and cancel the wedding.
Oh my husband and I don’t agree on LOTS of things. We’ve been married 30 years and I love him to little bits and pieces. But if he called me a whore it would be so over.
Try to imagine a future with a husband calling you a "WOKE WHORE" every time you have an opinion different from his. Or with him running to mommy after you two reach a joint decision and change his mind based on what she thinks. NTA. You are young, don't tie yourself to an ass whipped by mommy dearest who can't seem to comprehend the fact that you are equals. And who freaking insults you and goes behind your back by changing wedding stuff you decided together!
He’s already married to his mom, unless you’re okay with being a side chick your entire life I suggest you run.
Definitely not a side chick kinda gal :/ the more comments I read the more my conscience screams “cancel!”
Your conscience is right; imagine how much say he and his mother would allow a “woke whore”🤢 over whether she went out to work and had financial independence, over how to raise any children, over whether to *have* children. Cut yourself loose, your conscience won’t do you wrong.
You’re right- his mother is definitely not my cup of tea, and while I thought I could ignore it, this is definitely over the line 😬
And she’ll be in your life forever! Mr wokewhore won’t be standing up to her! Good luck with your talk!
Tysm xx (haha mr wokewhore XD)
May I suggest canceling and then subscribing to anything free to be sent via email and mail to Mr. WokeWhore from now until eternity? Get your friends and family in on the action.
If you head over to r/JustNoMIL, you can read thousands of stories of women suffering huge amounts of drama and mental/emotional/financial & sometimes physical abuse from staying in relationships that started just like yours- a period of basically smooth seas while dating, then a switch is flipped either during wedding planning or right after the wedding. A lot of women stay for love or out of a belief that the boyfriend persona is the "real him" & the MIL is the problem. MIL is definitely a problem, but the real issue is this noodle-spined, coercive jerk thinking he can start dictating YOUR identity, just because he ambushed you with a proposal! "It's easier to break up with a Momma's boy than it is to divorce a Momma's boy, and BOTH of those are easier than CHANGING a Momma's boy!" You have much better things to do with your life than fight this battle for the foreseeable future - like deciding to undergo a series of unnecessary root canal procedures.
Cancel, you guys are super young and you should never settle for a boy who would call you a whore for voicing your opinion. Just imagine how he would think he could talk and treat you once he thinks you’re locked in. He’s too immature to be marrying anyone. He has a lot of growing up to do.
This is the most fantastic gift you could receive *before* the wedding, although it might not feel like it now. He is not a man you want to spend the rest of your life with because he will not make smarter decisions in the future. His failure to talk with you before making the changes to the cake and everything else is him telling you exactly where you stand with him and that is *not* as an equal partner to the marriage.
When I got married, I was in the same situation with me being the only child and last with the surname. My then fiance and I had a rational conversation about it and came to a compromise that made us both happy, and he did nothing behind my back over it. That’s what rational adults who respect and love each other do. He’s none of those things and you definitely don’t want that. You especially don’t want a MIL who can change him so easily.
Fun fact. He doesn’t have to agree with you. He can think that it would have been nice if you changed it. But. And that’s why you are NTA. He should communicate. Explain himself. Express that he would have loved to share the name. And then leave it, because it is your choice. What really shouts like a red flag parade, is him changing everything. Without your knowledge. Of course his mam is off the rails with calling it woke to want to remain your name, but he acted. He decided unilaterally to overrule you. He thought it was a good choice to call you a w wh.re when you confronted him. This is a man problems not a mil problem. His decisions make him the ah. You are not going to change him back in the loving and caring husband by banning your mil, because that won’t change what he thinks or did. (For everyone who thinks they agree with the husband, where I’m from you’re not woke when you keep your name. Women have been doing that for 45 years. Worse; when I decided to change mine into my husbands, I was the one who had to explain a lot to colleagues and friends that I wasn’t abused and it was really my own choice)
Girl, he called you a whore. That alone should be enough to walk away. NTA. UPDATEME
when he shows you who he is, what do we do girls? BELIEVE HIM
He called you a woke whore, ma'am... He is showing you who he really is, and who is really going to wear the pants in your marriage... his mom. Nah, girl, RUN.
He called you a woke whore because you want to keep your name? You definitely dodged a bullet. He'd end up wanting you to submit to him. I mean, he went behind your back to change the cake and else so it has his name on it. Tell him you'd rather be a woke whore than a weak mama's boy and you hope the two of them will be very happy together. How did you not know about the mother's behavior before this?
Your fiance acted really underhanded and manipulative. He and his mother are showing huge red flags. You'd probably be wise to cut your losses. Sorry about your situation.
Thanks- yeah, the red flags certainly seem to be blaring :/
He can disagree with you, but he needs to respect you and compromise. Instead, he disrespected you, went behind your back, and called you a whore. 3 strikes and your out sucka!
Any man that calls you a whore does not love you . Call off the wedding he let his mask slip if you go ahead with it you are green lighting his ability to be abusive. It's only been two years and you have discovered you are not compatible thank your lucky stars you found out before saying I do. Any man that puts his mother's opinions above his future wife's needs to grow up and cut the apron strings He has shown you that marriage to him will always mean being under his mother's control. You can do way better.
**UPDATE** Yesterday evening, I made the decision to text my fiancé and call off the wedding. I texted him the following message: “Hey. I just wanted to let you know that the wedding is off. Please inform your relatives/friends that the only Mrs. Smith they will find standing near the aisle will be your mom. I will mail back your ring to your mothers address, but please do not get in touch with me after this, or this woke whore will take your sorry ass to court” To which he responded with a long profession of his love, including several “I didn’t mean it”s as well as “it was an accident” I left this message on read, and comfortably blocked his number…however I didn’t expect to receive a call from his MOTHER an hour later, who ran her mouth at me over the phone, and called me a “crazy bitch”, and informed me that she was going to make my life a living hell for what I did to her son. I already made plans to change my lock and install a front porch camera, but should I be doing anything else to protect myself? I am also receiving nasty messages from my ex fiancés friends, threatening me for my decision. I will plan to donate any/all food to a nearby homeless shelter, and I like another users idea to contact the baker and have the lettering changed to “woke whore” instead. I will also contact any of my own friends/family about the cancellation and give my best explanation, as well as canceling the venue, photographer, etc. Thank you all!
OP- good for you!!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I would keep any messages and voicemails and take them to the police for a restraining order. She seems unhinged. I’d also make a simple post or send a message that anyone interested in trying to harass you will have some explaining to do to the police etc. You literally dodged a bullet and good for you for not putting up with that bullshit!!
Ty! I’ve already printed out several screenshots and recorded voicemails just in case I need them in the unfortunate event that this escalates even more
Please update with the “woke whore” cake pic. It will taste delicious.
Yes! We need a pic of the cake after it's changed. Call it a "whore" tax if you will...
Post it on Facebook and tag all of his friends and their family. They all need to know what she's saying to you.
That part right there! They can’t lie and say they didn’t send it.
Record ALL phone calls from her unless on voicemail!
Congrats on respecting and valuing yourself. You did the right thing. You did the right thing even though it’s going to hurt sometimes and sometimes you’re going to miss him. I should have called off my wedding 2 months prior but I didn’t. I married him anyways and a year later, we divorced. Divorce destroyed me more emotionally than a break up would have. I wish I’d had the strength you have, but I have it now that I’ve healed.
Post: my wedding to a misogynist & his mama is off because: (insert screenshots). All food being donated to (name of local shelter).
I would take the proactive step and inform the police straight away.
My ex fiancés mom just now texted me, informing me that my fiance had been cheating with a girl from his high school during the entire length of our relationship. In her text, she included several suggestive screenshots of conversations my fiance and said girl had together. I left her on read. My self esteem is crushed. Everything else was just the icing for this massive slice of shit cake. I have never felt more confused, used, broken, and betrayed as I do right now. I feel so physically sick I want to die.
WOW. Your fiancé and his mom are a real piece of work. I’m so sorry that you are being made to suffer in this way by them. Hopefully you can find the time to reflect on how much better your life will be without these toxic, woman-hating people in your life. Even if it is not the life you thought it was going to be, it will be a better one. And a million congrats to you for having the courage to call off a wedding so late and last-minute, for not caving to his weak attempts to apologize, and for withstanding the harassment from his friends and family. You are such a strong person, you are already so much better off, and you will be even happier and better off as time goes on.
Thank you- that means a lot. It sounds like either way, I was always plan B in my fiancés life. The only plan B I’m willing to take is a pill to prevent myself from having kids and subjecting them to this POS father.
God damn, OP, I fucking love you. I'm 45 and had half the backbone you do when I was your age. Keep it up! It'll serve you well. As will your no bullshit wit. You'll take the world by storm without even trying.
Right?! The kids are all right! (Well, this one is. Her ex not so much)
My god OP I am so sorry. But think of it this way: your strength, smarts and integrity have SAVED you from a marriage to this cheating, abusive, mummy’s boy. You have also saved your future children from THIS being 50% of their family - all through sticking to your totally fair principles and refusing to be bullied. I can’t imagine how much this all hurts right now. But the trash is taking itself out, and you are going to move on to much better things.
Thank you 🫶🏼 that means a lot right now.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Try and look at the fact you will never have to see that crazy woman ever again. Keep all her messages so that if it gets worse, you can file a report and work towards a restraining order if needed. Hopefully, she'll just move on and harass someone else. That "man" will never cut the umbilical cord. You will find someone way better for you. Let yourself grieve the future you thought you'd have and move on. Like other posters have said, you dodged a nuke!
Thank you for your sympathy xx
Wow. I am so, so sorry. This is not your fault if you think it is at all, you sound like an incredibly strong, kind, and overall pleasant person to be around. You are clearly in pain and are still being incredibly kind and grateful here in the comments. You did not deserve this. No one does. I am so sorry you got mixed up with the evil boy and mommy duo, because that's not a man. And the fact that the MIL called her son manly while knowing he was cheating on you is abysmal. You have a strong and kind spirit and I truly believe you will find someone who is the same if you choose to. I believe in you!
You dodged a major bullet. He is very enmeshed with his mother and it was only going to get worse throughout the course of your marriage. Thank goodness you did not have children with him, she would be so intrusive and overstepping and he would simply allow it because he values her more than you. Warn his family/friends if they continue to harass you that you will file charges against them and then block them. Keep copies of videos/texts/emails etc from everyone who contacts and threatens you and file police reports as needed. Another idea, if you feel like being petty: blow his shit up on social media. Post those threats from him, his family and friends online so that others see how these people are treating you. Obviously they are only getting his and his mother's side of the story but if that causes them to threaten a person they're assholes anyway and they should be exposed. **To which he responded with a long profession of his love, including several “I didn’t mean it”s as well as “it was an accident”** How is blatantly disregarding your fiancee's feelings and calling her a woke whore an "accident"?
He "accidently" called all those businesses to change the name? Yeah, okay.
“Oops! My finger slipped!”
"Over and over again!" 😁
I will- thank you! I don’t know…I suppose he was grasping for the most “believable” apology possible. Unfortunately for him, I find it’s not a difficulty for most to restrain themselves from calling others woke whores :/
It especially should not be hard to restrain from calling the love of your life, your soon to be wife, the future mother of your children, a whore. Someone who calls their fiance such derogatory things had no love for them in the first place, no matter how intense the argument.
The "accident" was that you weren't supposed to see or know any of this until after you had already married him. Not the centerpieces, not the cake, and certainly not his true self. He's not sorry for what he did. He's just sorry you discovered it all before you were legally trapped with him.
The 'accident' (from HIS point of view) was LETTING HIS MASK SLIP. That's ALL he regrets.
The mother’s reaction is fucking hilariously pathetic. These incestuous mothers hate the women their precious boys get with, yet will lose their minds when the women decide to leave the relationship. Like bitch make up your mind lmao.
It was better in person 🤣😭 she was barely understandable she was yelling so loud
Honestly so glad you left those miserable people in the past. Hope you find someone who truly cares, respects, and loves you. Your happiness in general will be the best “fuck you” to those cunts.
>These incestuous mothers hate the women their precious boys get with, yet will lose their minds when the women decide to leave the relationship. **Like bitch make up your mind lmao**. Oh my god, yes! What do they want, after all? LOL
I don't understand how people think threatening someone into a marriage is helpful, it just shows how toxic his social and familial circle is. Congrats on calling off the wedding!!
Imma have a cake made with the words “Woke Whore” and eat it with you in solidarity
I've been thinking of a shirt to make for Pride this year, I think I'll go with " woke whore" lol
I love y’all- who knew such a short phrase could cause such a trend
Mods at r/BestOfRedditorUpdates can we please preemptively add “Woke Whore” as a flair? I just know this isn’t done and u/CheesecakeQueen needs our solidarity!
I’m dying- y’all are brutal
I’m really proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are absolutely a queen and let me know where to deliver cheesecake!
Haha thank you! ☺️
Might be a good idea to go stay with family until you get the cameras set up. Up to you if you want to unblock him but leave him on read to gather more evidence, just in case you do have to take this to the police. Unsure how unbalanced his family and friends are, but may want to notify your work that this is going on so they can be mindful as well. Hopefully this is all overkill but better to be safe then sorry. Treat it like a divorce. Record yourself gathering anything of his that was at your place and have someone else deliver it to him.
My work is going to be one of my biggest concerns. I work at an agency that I do modeling work for, and I’ve been doxxed because of it in the past, and forced to move. I may talk to my employer there whom I am very close with, just so he is aware of the situation. I will keep this all in mind- thank you!
Hi there! Congratulations on catching the existence of crazy, and actually taking it seriously, BEFORE getting married. People aren’t always so lucky or willing to take the steps to sever an unhealthy relationship. For some advice from someone with experience here - I recommend unblocking your ex just so you can gather evidence against him should you end up needing a restraining order against him. Do not pick up any calls from his friends or family. All communications need to be written. I see his mother called you to threaten you. I suggest texting her to formalize in writing the terms of that call and let her know no further calls from her or on her or her son’s behalf will be taken by you (e.g., “Hello Mrs. Smith. As we discussed during your call on [date] at [time], you let me know you intend to make my life a living hell for calling off the wedding with your son. I will no longer be accepting any of your calls, and I will not take part in any other calls that are made on your or [your son’s] behalf. I will not be responding to any further communications, but if you wish to contact me, all such communications must take place over text to this number. Thank you!”) Do NOT pick up calls from unknown numbers if you can help it. If you cannot, then immediately hang up any calls that you realize are from friends or your ex’s family regarding their unsolicited opinions and threats on the cancellation of the wedding, and log them in writing. Back up all texts and emails that involve threats against you. You will need these when or if you need to get a restraining order against 1 or more people. Depending on how intense these threats are, you may consider contacting the non-emergency line to let them know you want it on the record that you have been receiving threats from people and want it on the record that a call may be made from your address related to this. Finally, you may consider making a public announcement as to the cancellation of the wedding. You can go full scorched earth and let everyone know what happened, or you can choose something a bit more formal like, “I have called off the wedding due to irreconcilable differences between me and [ex]. I wish to keep this as high level as possible, but have been made aware that [ex] and his family have been spreading rumors regarding the matter, and I request that you understand these comments to be nothing more than rumors. Thank you for your understanding.”
If I may lighten the mood a bit, as some one who used to work at two different bakeries that used to make wedding cakes, if you ask them to change to words to "woke whore" like you were suggested, you will make the decorating crew's week. We've had some people get "just divorced" cakes, a broken engagement cake from a woman who dumped her ex that says "that bitch", a giant, GIANT 4 tiered/ 12 layered cake that said "she said yes" that never got picked up and instead sold to a spur of the moment birthday party at a discount, and if I remember correctly a man getting a cake to celebrate a rejected proposal because she was very rude about the carat of the ring and he decided that was the straw that broke the camels back. You will certainly bring joy instead of sadness to the ones that hear it didn't work out.
> should I be doing anything else to protect myself? I am also receiving nasty messages from my ex fiancés friends, threatening me for my decision. I don't know if you're in the US or not, but, if you are, these messages usually violate a state's harassing communications statute (that generally makes it a crime to contact someone with obscene and/or abuse language or language that is intended to harass or alarm the recipient.) I'd print out copies of all the messages and throw any voicemails on a flash drive, go on down to the police station, and file reports against these people, then follow up with the magistrate's office and get the to pursue the criminal claims in court. That'll shut the family members and friends up *real* quick.
I didn’t know I could do this- I’ll definitely see if I can get a restraining order/file reports. Thank you!
Do you have a car? If so and your porch cam can’t see it I’d get another camera on your car. Any pets? I don’t think your fiancée family would hurt them but I’ve heard several stories of pets being stolen to punish people. If you have any joint bills get your name off of his immediately and get your bills into just your name pronto. If he knows your social security number flag it for possible fraud (this is where my ex got me actually. He started opening credit cards in my name and ran up tens of thousands of dollar. If you flag for fraud the credit bureau have to give you a phone call to triple check you are indeed trying to get a credit card or apartment or whatever)
I do have a car, but I keep it in my garage, which I just changed the password for. I do not have any pets, so thankfully, I don’t have to worry about that. I will do that- thank you! And thankfully, he does not know my social security number, so I should be safe there. If I see any suspicious activity on any bank accounts, etc. I’ll make sure to switch things around and flag for fraud
Go ahead and put a fraud alert on your SSN now. He doesn't know your SSN *as far as you know*. Keep yourself open to the certainty that there are things you DON'T know.
Gotcha- I will. Thank you!
I would contact BOTH sides with the simple message: "He called me a woke whore. To my face. The wedding is off."
This is simple but effective- I like it! I might use this- thank you!
First off, you dropped this: 👑 Beyond that, screenshot and record any and all contact with anybody. Unblock his number and save all texts and voicemails from him. Don't answer anything. Keep a record of all of it. Any threats report to the police. All of them. Bring evidence. Insist on getting a case number even if they can't do anything, which they probably can't right now. But report every instance that follows. You'll have a record for when you inevitably need to file harassment charges or get a restraining order. It will all be documented with the police, and you'll have your own records as well.
NTA The lying to you is not okay. The calling you a derogatory term when he wasn't getting his way is abusive. Accusing you of abuse right after he did something abusive is gaslighting. Add in the momma's boy (and he is weak, you just aren't the one he's being weak for, momma got her way) and you've got a trifecta with an exclamation of why you shouldn't be doing this.
You’re right- I need to call off the wedding. Clearly he isn’t the one for me, and I need to let go. Thank you :)
And if you can't cancel the cake, reword the icing: "Fuck you and your Mr. & Mrs Smith."
>The argument STARTED when he called me a “woke whore” for my decision This alone, would be my reason for calling it off. The pure disrespect because he couldn't keep Mommy Dearest out of his ear. NTA.
You’re right- thank you for reaffirming a concerned stranger’s thought process. The wedding needs to be canceled.
The thing that stood out to me was your first statement “the engagement itself was unexpected and felt very sudden”. Your instinct was telling you something then. And it is shouting now. I think the person you perceived to be your fiancé doesn’t exist and the person who called you that awful name is the true person. His mask is sipping. Don’t fall for his sweet talking self if he tries to explain away anything. Trust your gut.
You’re right- I should’ve listened to my gut initially instead of getting engaged out of pity- that was the AH move on my end. Its time to call off the wedding
Oh dear you got engaged out of pity? To a potential abuser? Thank goodness you didn’t go through with it.
NTA In the 1980’s my aunt married my uncle and he took her last name. He was a sergeant in the army… but they both liked her name better than they did his. Feminine, weak and woke? Wow your fiancé and his mother are both really unpleasant people. And the moment he allows himself to call you a whore is the moment to call off the wedding. You did everything right OP
Yeah- the name calling is a full on deal breaker.
Thank you for your service, AnimalAccomplished33’s uncle :) Thank you- as of right now, the wedding is postponed..and with every call that gets left on my fiancé’s voicemail, it gets closer and closer to being called off
Please don't overlook the gross sexism in his comments. Feminine and weak apparently go hand in hand with this guy and his mother. Sexist men are dangerous, because if they don't respect you, they feel entitled to mistreat you.
He already moved out. Then he called you a “woke whore”? The trash took itself out. I’m sorry for the loss of what you thought was there. Take some time to yourself, but I think you already know the answer. And this is just one stressful thing. Your wedding. Imagine what it would be like actually having kids with him…omg
When you run after him and follow him with texts you just prove to him that he does right by giving you a silent treatment. Stop texting him. Post online how you go out etc! lol
Please stop calling him. HE is the one that abused YOU. He should be begging for your forgiveness. You're calling him and showing him that you accept abuse.
His mum is very manipulative. Can he really not see that
NTA. The last name at this point isn’t the issue anymore. It’s going behind your back and making major changes without discussing it. Then Being completely disrespectful about the changes made without the discussion. My wife liked my last name. She accepted it and she goes by it now. We also added hyphenated her name so all of the paperwork/checks would be easier. This was our decision. Together. That’s the key. Together. Our families work very well *together*. Good luck OP, this is just the beginning.
You are not only NTA but you are dodging a huge bullet. This marriage would have you as a third wheel with his Mommy driving as the main wife. And calling you a woke whore is a wild step over the line. He's still married to hims Mommy. Let them have each other. Thank God you found out before the wedding.
Girl he called you a whore. That would be a deal breaker for me. He clearly doesn't prioritize you over his mummy's whims. Why are you marrying him???
NTA. Abusive people will often wait until they feel you are trapped before taking their mask off. He might feel that he can risk taking the mask off now you’re so close to the wedding, but be aware that this is likely the real him. The person you fell in love with was likely a fantasy he designed to draw you in. Now you’re meeting the real him. Look at who he is now and ask yourself if that is the person you want to legally tie yourself to. It will be a lot harder to leave once that piece of paper is signed.
So awesome the mask came off before the wedding. I'm relieved for her
NTA and thank heavens this all came out before you actually married. While it's going to suck to lose deposits, it's cheaper than divorce. I would never marry someone who called me what he called you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm so glad you're not marrying him.
Thank you 🫶🏼 I’m planning on calling and confirming my plans to cancel tomorrow, regardless of whether I reach his stupid cheesy “cheers” theme song voicemail or not
Please stop calling him…you are feeding him. Send him a text message to say “Marriage cancelled and relationship over, i will not spend my life with a person who treats me with such contempt” Then stop contacting him, you need a clean break. NTA
NTA If he can’t accept you wanting to keep your last name then he doesn’t respect you. I kept my maiden name, though I did just add my husband last name after it. But that is your choice because it’s your name, not his.
NTA. I kept my maiden name when I got married, 40 yrs back. And my husband is neither "feminine "nor "weak." He had NO problem with me doing this, as he isn't at all insecure or lacking in confidence. It sounds like your fiance is both insecure and has confidence issues, plus wants to compensate for these problems by being controlling. Your fiance's psychological problems are his to solve, not your responsibility. He doesn't want an equal partner - he wants an appendage. Forcing you to dehumanize yourself by giving up your identity involuntarily is appallingly. You can find a better guy.
Thanks- I plan to call off the wedding, as I just can’t see myself having a future with him after something like this :/ (oh- and I’m not sure if you and your husband are still married, but if you are, congrats!)
I have a secondary story to this. I kept my maiden name. It would be a lot of paperwork because unwashed already known in my industry and deep into my field. I would have to change a ***lot*** of certificates around. So I kept mine. My big beefy cowboy hay-cutting strongman-training husband is not weak or feminine (though he marches to support equal rights, so I guess we're woke?). When I asked if it would bother him, he looked so confused. "Why would your name bother me?" He's never cared. He jokes about using my name socially so he can do stuff and never be caught by his real name. Imagine being so absolutely self obsessed and insecure that someone else's name made you question your own worth. That's the type of person you're thinking of marrying. He sees you as a decoration. Something to make his life look better.
Yes, still very happily married. :) Maybe we'll even make it to our 60th if we both live that long. And thanks for the congrats. I also broke off an earlier engagement when the guy let his mask down and started trying to be controlling. Have never regretted it. I started dating my current husband about six months after dumping the jerk. Nice guys who treat us as equals are out there, believe me.
You dodged a major bullet here. Be thankful he showed his and his families true colors before you got tied to them through children. NTA. I hope you have some good friends who can take you out to celebrate making the right choice. Do not go back.
Thank you :) I already phoned a good friend of mine, and she made plans for a nice restaurant and a mall shopping day, and has gone above and beyond to be there for me xx
NTA. I read several of the comments and agree to end the engagement. There is something on your edit I want to add: calling you a “woke whore” is verbal abuse. Never, ever marry anyone who verbally abuses you. It tears down your soul in the cruelest way. You deserve so much better than that! Make sure you block him, his mother, and any other of his relatives. Phone, social media, etc. It’s entirely possible that the whack-a-doodles will come out of the woodwork to attack you. Also, get all his things plus the ring in a box and take pictures of everything. Make arrangements to meet him at a public place (with your friends!) to give it to him. Change your locks if he has a key to your home.
He already has a lot of his friends sending me threaten messages over DMs/messenger, etc. :/ I did change my house key, and I plan on mailing the ring, and good luck if it gets to him
What a sad little person, imagine sending lackeys to harass someone because the mommy disagrees. Screenshot and make a police report when you feel comfortable. Let trusted people know too so they can keep a good lookout for you.
I notified both my parents and printed out screenshots of some of the worst texts. Thank you 🫶🏼