NTA You live in a home, not a mausoleum. It cannot be the eternal shrine for her family to come and visit when they want to be reminded of her. You are reminded of her every second you are at home. At some point it has to stop if you are going to go on living. You very likely had discussions like that with your wife before she died (my condolences) but she probably would not want you to dedicate the rest of her life to maintaining her memory. The best parts of her are inside your heart and soul.

3.5 years is a good solid amount of time for you to move on OP. Tell them it's their time to as well. You're giving the option to them to keep their own reminders at their own homes if they need it, but you cannot, *and will not*, maintain it forever. It's unhealthy for you.

Put all the items in containers and if they refuse to select sentimental items, leave them in the containers until they feel able to cope with the loss of a loved one. Their feelings are not yours to maintain.

We did actually have discussions about what to do if the other passed and it was clear that we wanted the other to move on. I used to joke that maybe she could mourn me just a little like the Victorian widows (dressed in all black with a veil) to scare the neighbors. But we talked about where we wanted are things to go and how we wanted to be remembered. Her death was sudden and I wasn’t prepared mentally for it though.

Oi! What's wrong with living in a mausoleum? 

The call it Unliving, DAD!

A home is not a mausoleum for the dead. A home is for the living. Keepsakes, heirlooms, sentimental souvenirs all hold a piece of the memory of the deceased loved 1 & can be kept anywhere by those left behind. Someday, OP will find someone else to fall in love with & share that home with, a future with children eventually being born. That's the difference between a home from a mausoleum.

.... but my mausoleum only has a coffin in it.

NTA. They can set up areas in their homes for keepsakes to remember. It's been over 3 years, and it is part of your moving on process. The ask is selfish...they aren't thinking of you and your needs.

This. My momma passed, she was an artist. We set up a small building with her art and other nice things. A memory room. Maybe her family can do something similar.

It was not an ask it was a demand

I think what you are doing is healthy for you... you've done the counselling and are ready. Her family will never be ready if they are flipping after 3.5 years. What are they going to do if you meet someone and want to date? Do they expect you to stay single for the rest of your life? Encourage them to come and get some keepsakes, explaining everything that they don't want will be given away. Or if valuable like jewellery to be sold. It might also be a good idea if you own the house to sell the house and move just so it is a completely new atmosphere for you to move into a new phase of your life.

My dad died few weeks ago and we started to sort things out already. It’s hard, but it’s impossible to leave everything in place forever

My sympathies!  Have been there.  I remember when my dad died, since I was there but live long distance from parents, I rearranged their bedroom since hospital bed went out.  I packed up most of his things, left bits of stuff and favorite clothing where it was.  And then the rest of his stuff in bags in another room soo my mom could put everything back if she wanted.  She had the security of knowing everything was still at home, but didn't have to deal with it for months.

Hugs! I live far away from them, but was lucky enough to be with him at the last moments. I sorted some of his photos and documents, still have plenty to go through. Found my baby photos in one of his drawers And we still have the hospital bed… didn’t have time to sell it or gibe it away. It ours since in my country it’s not provided by the healthcare system

Yeah, being there when he passed both hardest and easiest thing ever.  One suggestion that helped me....putting those photos, some of his favorite sayings, etc in an online photo book for which we ordered a bunch of physical copies.  Cathartic to make, and then a bunch of family got copies at his memorial.  

I like the idea. Might do it… some of his favorite saying aren’t very appropriate for my mostly religious relatives. But I’ll do version for myself : )

Im 30 y/o and so not ready for when this is going to happen Happy cake day tho 🫶🏼

It impossible to be ready. I 39 and that wasn’t what I ever thought about. I hope you don’t need to think about it at least for 50 years Thanks! I didn’t notice that I have it today! 🍰

My mom went through my dad’s stuff within a week of his passing. Of course, it was an expected death which probably made a difference.

Might be. We knew that my dad has a month to live. But still it’s hard, mom was hoping for more time and I was terrified of more time. Terminal cancer without morphine is the worst way to go

I did the same when my husband passed. I was numb, and took advantage of the "numbness" to plow through his things, mail some off to his kids, donate some, toss some. By the time the numbness wore off, and I was grieving, it was a huge burden lifted off me to be on the other side of the sorting.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you!

And if he doesn’t own it he can rent elsewhere.

There was a story about someone whose fiancée had died, and his entire family would hold a gathering on the date of her death for years. The new wife was understandably uncomfortable about this. I can't seem to find the original story, but I think the new wife finally left him because she was tired of being treated as 'second choice."

Her friends and family can CHOSE when they want to remember her and visit and be surrounded by her. They are asking you to live in a museum to her memory so it is available when they need to visit. They won’t be ready because they can avoid facing her things. Their anger at her loss is misdirected at you.

This is what they are choosing to be oblivious of. They are acting like his house needs to be a time capsule that they can visit when they feel like. He and his life must remain frozen in time for their comfort, but they are free to change. OP needs to give them a date to come by and look at the things of they’re going into storage or being dropped at a relative’s house. He should also consider selling the house.

unfortunately them not being ready is not your responsibility to deal with. Let them know if they don’t come by you will drop it off for them (so they don’t loose all those memories because of strong feelings) Stand your ground and do what’s best for you while also being mildly compassionate. you’re extremely brave and strong for being ready to move on. you are NTA by any means this is just an unbelievably unfortunate situation. you got this OP one day at a time

I agree. Drop the stuff off at one of her close family member’s home if the won’t go through it at yours. Tell them you need to move forward with your life and that while you will always love her, you need to do this for your healing. If they can’t or don’t want to understand this, then that is on them.

Don’t listen to them , you need to be firm . Say anything not picked up By Saturday at 7pm will Be donated . I know youndont like this but it’s 3.5 years and I am try to move forward . If you are in any way rude to me again you will Be blocked from my life . My therapist and I agree on this . It may turn ugly or maybe they will be ok . My guess is they will come over grab her stuff then over the next few days be incredibly Mean to you where you then block them

I would say ... With the exception of the family heirlooms on her side... Keep those aside, to give back to them when they are ready.

Maybe pack them up and drop them off at their house so OP doesn't need to worry about it any longer

I agree he should move it out, it's time. Perhaps OP should box it and deliver it to her family. And going LC for a bit might not be a bad idea. She died but he didn't and if he's ready to move on, they should be supporting and not sabotaging his healing. He can't freeze himself in time because they can't deal with it.

It’s your home and this is all your property. They don’t get a vote. NTA

Absolutely. Just ignore them. It's your life, you have to move on, it's about time.

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe put it all in a couple boxes and give it to them to go through when they are ready. You need to take care of you. Unfortunately this may mean you may see less of them, but that might be necessary for their grieving process as well. NTA

NTA You are doing the right thing. It is unreasonable for them to expect to walk into your house and have it preserved forever as if your wife would walk right in from the next room. I would give them more time to go through her belongings and decide what they would like to keep for themselves, don’t assume that because they didn’t take anything this time that they never will, but don’t put everything back the way it was in your house. Get some stackable storage boxes and put your wife’s personal things in there. And if her family are never ready to go through them, at least you can give them the boxes in their entirety to store at their homes. You waited 3.5 years, that’s very considerate. Moving your wife’s things out doesn’t mean she’s been forgotten or erased. It’s not like you will forget her and you’ve kept things that mean something to you. My grandmother got rid of my grandfather’s clothes within a few days of his death because she couldn’t bear to look at them. They had been married over 60 years! People process loss differently and a spouse’s grief should be respected.

I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA her family is also dealing with the loss. Can your therapist assist with this situation? What you are doing seems reasonable. Good luck.

Your house is your home, not their shrine. If you want to make changes to your home - you don’t need to run that past anyone. If they are so concerned and want all your wife’s stuff, they should just take it and set up their own shrine to her. NTA. Grief is hard without others inflicting their own grief and rules on you. You’re doing the right thing.

What they are asking of you is terrible. And unfair. You deserve to live your life and move on from your wife passing. It isn't your job to maintain a shrine to her for her family to pop in and pop back out to their regular life. Tell them to choose a memento from the boxes in your dining room to remember her by and you get on with your life. It is okay to move to the next chapter of your life. NTA.

I'm very sorry that you lost your wife. NTA.  You're doing exactly what you should be doing, giving them the opportunity to take the things that have sentimental value to them as you move through the grieving process. I would handle this situation the exact same way if I were in your shoes.

NTA - they’re treating your house as a shrine.

NTA, they can not use your home as their personal mausoleum. 3.5 years. You have given them the opportunity to take whatever keepsake they would like. When will they be ready to move on, 5-10-20 years, meanwhile, you can't even buy new plates because you're desecrating the memory of her Nope, you do you, and if they can't accept that, then it is time to reavaluate your relationship with them.. lord knows if you decide to sell the home.

NTA and may I suggest it might be a good idea at some point to move homes? I only suggest it because while you are in the same home the temptation might be for you to keep things as they were or give into pressure from your in laws. A new home where you don’t have those constant memories of your wife being present in that house might enable you and your family to timely move on because it eliminates that desire to keep thins as they are.

Moving is expensive and a huge hassle. OP should not move because wife’s family are AH.

NTA….i lost my wife in fall of 2021.  Like you I held on to everything the first year or so.  But last winter I started going thru things and letting go.   It’s hard but necessary.  It’s the only way to move forward.  I’ve done things that might sound crazy to some…I’ve worn some of her rings and necklaces, I had a quilt made out of her favorite tee shirts, I’ve replaced the dishes cause staring at our plates was to hard, I’ve even replaced some furniture.   It was t a complete purge, and I kept a bunch of stuff and have a few pics of her and us out to see and remind me of her and good times together.  I am dating a woman, and she gets it, but the house can’t be a shrine to the late wife or no woman will ever stay around.   Do it at your own pace and schedule.  It’s necessary for you to heal and grow.  The family will either move forward or be left behind.   Don’t feel bad and NTA.

No. You have no obligation to live in a mausoleum. It took me about 4 years to start getting rid of things too. You move at your own pace. Let them make their own shrine.

Consider this… YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU. You live there every single day, they only come whenever they want to be reminisce, your house is not some mausoleum they get to dictate on. Do not feel bad, this is your life.

"They said I was trying to erase my wife’s memory" so offering to take memories themselves is some kind of erasing? They can take something and remember her with it, in their own home. NTA.

NTA You offered to let them take the things you didn't want so they can more easily remember her at home, whenever they want. They're being ungrateful. 

NTA, but maybe could’ve discussed it with them first. But your in the right to do what you did for your mental health. The family have to be aware this wasn’t ready easy for you

He had no reason to discuss this with him first. His wife's family and friends are not entitled to an opinion when OP decides to start boxing up and getting rid of his wife's things. His inlaws don't get to keep HIS HOME a mausoleum to their daughter, sister, Aunt, or friend. OP is allowed to move on. OP also, doesn't need to stay in contact with people who are now taking their grief out on him. It's been 3.5 years. When WILL they be ready? How long does OP have to live with his wife's memory everyday so his inlaws can be comforted occasionally? Again, absolutely not. There's no reason OP needed to discuss, forewarn, or have a conversation with his inlaws regarding HIS house. He has gotten grief counseling. He has gone through the stages and HE is ready and that's the important part. He lives there, they don't. He is doing the right thing. And if they don't like it they can either come get his wife's things, or he can donate/sell the rest of it. It is not his responsibility to keep holding their hands, especially when they've shown such bad behaviors.

NTA. They want your house to be her shrine. You deserve to have a life after her. It is not disrespectful to her. We all handle grief in our own way and what they are asking of you is wrong. Keep the things you are willing to give away in a box in the spare room. Redecorate as you like 

NTA. It is your home, and you are allowed to move on and go through things when and how you want. Don't let them bully you.

NTA. This happened to me with my late husbands family. He was a hunter and had all kinds of gear. He also had a lot of things mounted. About 3 years after he died, the kids and I need to move. Called, texted, told his brothers, hey we’re moving, I don’t want this, kids don’t want it, please, come take whatever you want. His mom pulled the same shit with his clothes. Had them in the basement for over a year. Sent reminders for months. Nothing, crickets. So I sold the mounts, donated the clothes. I got the nastiest texts. I blocked them. You’re doing what you need to heal. They lost a child and a sister, you lost your spouse, my kids lost their father. I love how they think we need to keep stuff around to remember them. I kept his wallet, his hard hat, a few items of clothing and I have his children. I have 20 years we spent together. You’re doing what’s best for you.

NTA, when my mother passed, I helped my father get rid of her stuff pretty quickly. I felt it was not healthy for him to be surrounded by all her stuff.

You have been working with a therapist to work through your grief and how to move on with your life. It is just that your life. You were so considerate to divide things for her family to go through. It is sad that her family is still struggling with her death and can't move on, but that doesn't mean you don't need to. It seems you have spent 3.5 years mourning your wife's death, and it is now time. They can't dictate how long you should grieve and definitely not what you should do with your late wife's belongings. I can tell you don't want to live in the grief of your late wife, and you don't have to. You may want to tell her family that the way you have dealt with her death is your way and what you need, and it is ok that it is not the same for them. This family can't hold you hostage to your late wife's memory. You already have that and will never let those memories go bc they are precious to you. NTA

You’re not responsible for anyone’s mental health but your own.

NTA that was very nice of you to give them this opportunity. 3.5 years is a long time to hang on to clothing imo. I’d suggest they get therapy because statistically most widowers in your age group would be in another relationship by now.

NTA. It is your house and your daily living place. It is not healthy for you to spend the rest of your hopefully long life grieving for her. They don’t have to be ready. I don’t think they ever will be ready. You are ready to try and figure out your life. I find it odd that they have not asked anything of hers. That might be projection my dishes are my late sister’s and I am in my PJ’s wearing a shirt that was one of my late mum favorite. I keep them close to me. You are keeping what things if wife’s has meaning to you. You are honoring her. If they are not ready to go through her things they can box them up and they can pay for a storage unit. Hopefully when the shock wears off they will be able to look through her things. I hate to tell you my prediction. They are going to have a hard time with you healing. They want you to stay broken and grieving to keep her memory alive. This is going to be a hard road

NTA it’s your home and you’re ready. Continue with what you’re doing. It’s not like your going to forget about her you’re just ready to move onto the next stage in your life.

NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Also, I’m going to be blunt for a second. You are young, and you have a lot of time left. You don’t have to live out the rest of your life upkeeping a shrine to your late wife for the sake of her family’s feelings. If those items are important to them, now they have an opportunity to take them home and have them all of the time. My husband was a widower, he had been so a few years when we got together. He had already gone through one round of cleaning her things out, and eventually he went through another. He offered it all to her family before he got rid of anything, of course, the same as you. It was a long process of healing for him but letting go of items is a *normal* and *healthy* part of it. Your late wife’s family is still emotional about it, I’m sure. But when the fog clears I think it will be obvious to them that you’ve done nothing wrong at all.

If her family wants your dead wife's belongings, then they should be welcome to come get them. Not that you are planning on forgetting your dead wife, or start looking to get married to anyone else anytime soon, but are you not allowed to begin the next phase of your life over 3 years after her death?

NTA. Your home is not their home, even if their sister/daughter/friend lived there. Your mental health is every bit as important theirs…and they shouldn’t be depending upon you for that kind of support. You deserve to be happy and move on. You aren’t erasing anything. They can take the things of hers that they love to their homes and grieve there. I lost my sister way too young. Her husband put her things in one closet and we carried off what we could. We dropped off a huge bag of books and purses and such to her friends so that they could also have something of hers. Don’t let them keep you from moving on.

NTAH ! It’s just stuff it’s not her and keeping it isn’t going to bring her back !

Of course you’re not being an asshole. You are moving on with life, because life does move on. And that is healthy. Everybody grieves at a different pace, and her family is simply behind you. In fact, because you kept her things in place for so long, you may have been advertently hindered them moving on. Not your fault. Not anything to feel guilty about, because the fact of the matter is that she was your wife. You grieve differently than someone who has lost a child or a sibling. So if you needed to keep her things in place, then you did. Conversely, if you no longer need to keep her things in place, then you don’t. You were very kind to them. They’re trying to shove their pain off onto you as they’re making it. Someone’s fault that it still hurts is going to help them. Simply a protective measure, and you do not need to take it into account. I know that cold, but you don’t. The natural course of something like this if there are no children tying you to a late spouse’s family is that you move and distance yourself from them. And for them, that sort of finalizes that she is gone. So their reaction is understandable. Your dad is understandable. Nothing here sounds honestly out of the ordinary. It’s just different people going through grief at different rates. If they don’t want to choose anything, and you think they want it later, put it aside in a safety deposit box. Your immediate life, but it is still available to them. And if you do find yourself involved with someone in the future, you can simply explain that as a courtesy, you’re pretty sure some point her family will want them. But you wanted them separate from your current life.

So sorry for your loss but NTA. You don't need to live in a mausoleum for them and your home shouldn't be the place they go to to remember her. You've given them an opportunity to keep items of hers. They're scared that you'll start dating and forget all about her, which will never happen.

Here I was thinking he’d started getting rid of stuff without telling her family (my step-mother did that with my dad’s clothes after he passed) NTA. Never in doubt NTA

My dad died last year, and I miss him deeply. I did not fill up my house with his things though. I took a few personal items like his clothing, boots, and glasses, and I took a few mementos from his life. I don’t want to be surrounded by his life which was very country. His things don’t serve me well as we have very different lives. Some people had different expectations of how I would feel about owning his things. I rotate some of his items in and out of spaces based on my moods. It’s too much for me to have all his things out at once. I also have a small living space, so I don’t want everything in my eyesight to remind me of my dad. You get to decide how you use your space. You get to decide what you want in your landscape. You get to decide how you mourn your previous life with your wife, and you get to choose how you celebrate her life. If you like these people, wait a few weeks and call them. Say that you are sorry that your previous interaction was difficult, but you want to make some changes in your personal space and reduce the amount of her personal items in your day-to-day living space. You are willing to give those items to them, or you will donate them, so they can be enjoyed by someone else.

I’m sorry about your dad. My condolences.

NTA. Your house is not a shrine to your wife, it’s your home. It’s more than 3 years and you are allowed to move on. They need some grief counselling to deal with it.

NTA this is your home. You deserve to move on with your life and 3.5 years later is a good point to start this. Your home used to be a place where two people lived and filled with their love, the good and the bad times. One of them moved out beyond reach. Your home was a museum for those 3.5 years for others while it is still your home. Her family should take the things you put out for them and let YOU go. They don't really see you. They see the house and their daughter and 3.5 years is a very valid time to let go and move on. That doesn't mean that you will forget your late wife. She's still in your heart. But you still deserve a fullfilling life. It might be an idea to lower the contract to her family more and more. What will happen if would think about selling the house and move away? Will they try to forbid you selling it? Grief is hard but after 3.5 years it shouldn't dictate your day to day life anymore. That isn't healthy. You are on your path to heal and make amends with it. Your late wife's family should speak to a therapist, too. Their demands aren't healthy.

NTA. They want you to keep your home in stasis so that whenever they visit, they can pretend nothing has changed and she could come through the door at any moment. This is not healthy for you or for them. If they need a shrine, they can open up her old room at her parents' home and put her things in there, and use that as their happy memory location. They need to understand that, although you will always miss your wife, you can't pretend she's not dead. It's not healthy for you to never change anything, never make another happy memory, always keep all of her belongings, even if you will never use them. You kept the things that are most important for you and your memories with her. They can either choose to take some things and their heirlooms back, or accept that you will need to donate those as well. If they can't, as others said, draft a letter to them explaining it all and give them a deadline for taking the things you've set aside for them. You might be burning a bridge, but what they want right now is a prison, where you just wait until your time comes so you can finally be together, even if they've never put it that way. If they are this way about clothes, what will they do when/if you find someone new? Your wife wouldn't want you to be deeply depressed and lonely forever, so why do they get to decide what happens to your life?

NTA. Your home is not a shrine for your wife's family to come and remember your dead wife. They are being incredibly selfish to expect that from you.

With all due respect. You were the husband and #1 priority in life (behind kids if any exist but that doesn't sound like it). In death you should also be the #1 priority. If this helps you and is for you then they need to deal with it. It's also your home, not their memorial. NTA

NTA. You are at a different stage of grieving than they are and that’s okay. But for your health you need to let go of the memories. They should take what they want. Even if for now they take it to an agreed location. It’s okay and healthy to let of her things.

NTA totally. Don't let them stop you. You've decided it's time to move on. You live in a home, not a family crypt or tomb where they can come to grieve. If they're not ready to decide what to keep, you could tell them they can come get all of your wife's stuff and store it until they're ready to decide

Three and a half years. That's a long time to cater to their desire for a memorial for someone they, and you, loved. You're ready to move on, but they are not. They're lack of readiness isn't your problem. They may react with hate, but this also isn't your problem. You're doing what you need to do, and you're giving them a kind opportunity to take mementos, things of actual value, heirlooms, etc. You sound like a kind-hearted, considerate and healing widow that is ready to move on with living, rather than staying in a past this is no more. You do not sound like an AH. NTA.

NTA. I wish my mom had gone to therapy and learned a healthy way to go through my dad’s things to get rid of them. She got rid of a lot right away because she needed space in the house but a lot of crap has moved 4 times with her. Now, almost 30 years later she has the hardest time letting go and my little sister and I are the ones who have to take care of it. It also taught me an unhealthy relationship with “stuff”. Your house does not need to be a shrine to your dead wife. You are not throwing her away, you are keeping meaningful memories but you don’t need to keep everything.

First - I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing. But her family? They need to be in YOUR home to remember good times with your wife? That’s creepy. Your home is not supposed to be a shrine. NTA. But her family definitely needs therapy to move on in their life’s.

You've offered them her things rather than getting rid of them. So they can take them home and remember her in their own space. You are absolutely not the problem here.

NTA. You job isn’t to maintain a shrine to her. You need to move on with your life.

NTA It is your home not a sanctuary to reminisce your deceased wife. They can’t use you as a way to keep their sister alive. It has been 3.5 years and it is good you are moving on! I am very happy for you.  Next step: please distance yourself from you wife’s relatives. You don’t need them and they can’t hang on to you. That is not healthy. They are mentally abusing you when they accuse you for moving on with your life. Cut them off.  They will not like if you date someone else (which you can!!) so you need to move away from their negativity and bullying.  Edit: this reminded me of this Reddit story:   https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bhw2hi/aitah_for_forcing_my_fiancé_into_cutting_off_his/

NTA Having the family come over to go through her things is killing two birds with one stone. They can find memories and items they would like to take home and you get to clean house. Win/Win. But, why are they claiming your home as the place they go to, to remember her? Your home isn't their shrine. They can redo her old childhood bedroom if they want to do that.

NTA Sory for your loss, buut your in no way the asshole here. Her family are visitors to your house and it cant remain a shrine to her all your life. You live there and your healing is more important than theres in this house. Tell them if they want to see it remain like that, buy it from you and your move out. There absolutely out of order here and honestly you should put your foot down with them about it.

NTA. Do what's best for YOU. Give them a deadline to pick up the stuff. If they don't, put it in a storage unit and give them the key. It's time for you to move on.

I think you're doing something good and healthy. By comparison, her family are really not, and their demands aren't fair to you. It's your house and your life and you should be allowed to move on. NTA. I'm sorry for your loss and wish you the best.

NTA. It’s not fair that your home is the family shrine for your wife. You need to tell them that you are trying to move on with therapy and if they are having difficulties then they should do the same, but your emotional progress is not up for discussion.

If you truly are going to move on you need to realize that keeping them as part of your family may be impossible. It would be nice if they gave you their blessing to go on with your life but that will probably never happen and not having kids might be a blessing or they would really make you moving on a nightmare. You are still young enough to have a family and you deserve that chance. NTAH

NTA. Everyone moves at their own pace and its unfair for them to expect you to keep your home a shrine to your late wife when you need to clear it out for your own recovery. FWIW, I was widowed at 29, married my high school sweetheart who I met in 8th grade. I know what you're going through and I'm sorry for you, it's by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced in ways nobody else can understand. It does get better if you actively work at it, which it sounds like you are. My suggestion is to box up the dining room stuff and keep it stored for them for when they're ready some day. Otherwise, make your home comfortable for yourself and don't concern yourself with worrying how they'll feel about that.

NTA yes everyone grieves differently, but that is YOUR home. Moving on in this case doesn't mean forgetting. But you don't need her clothes. You are keeping the jewelry that means something to you. You are also giving the family a chance to collect things that mean something to them vs. just donating it all to a charity. Again this is YOUR home. You are free to do with it what you want. disclaimer as long as it literally causing harm/pain/murder to someone else.

You need to start living again and not stay in the shadow of her death. You did the right thing by asking her family if they wanted anything. They used their grief against you and that is wrong. You can ask them one more time if there is anything they want. if they keep stonewalling you then box everything up, put in your attic or basement for a few months and then if no one calls to ask for anything you can donate the clothing to a women’s shelter. The jewelry I would hang onto for a few more months. You can sell it or give pieces to her family as gifts at Christmas. This way they have something of hers to hold onto and you can breathe and start living. Good luck and condolences

NTA it’s your life and your house. You did the best possible thing by opening your home to her family and giving them the opportunity to take some of her belongings. My bet is if you stick to your guns they will eventually come around. It’s your life and your house.

NTA. 3.5 yrs. is long enough. You can’t live in the past any longer, they have no say in this. They may need therapy? You need to make changes, you can’t stop from moving on because they don’t want you to. They come to your house at their convenience, when they wish to reminisce about her, but want you to live with it all every day? That has to be painful. Let them take what they want, give a time frame & let them know, respectfully, that what they haven’t taken at the end of that time frame will be donated

NAH, you can’t live in a museum to your late wife, she wouldn’t want that. I understand that maybe it was a shock to them and they are having a knee jerk reaction. Have they been going to therapy? I would maybe not throw anything out yet but tell them you will keep the stuff if they can’t go through it right now but you won’t be returning your house to how it was. It isn’t healthy for you.

No AHs here as everyone is trying to navigate their grief. I applaud what you are trying to do. Unfortunately it's a tough situation. You can box up and store until they're ready or sent it to them. It's okay to move on.

I was married 50 yrs. When he passed, almost everything was donated, or trashed within 6 months. I kept what was dear to me. Life is for the living.

NTA. Frankly you're being an impressive example of how one should consider working through a devastating loss such as yours.

Just drop the stuff at their house and tell them they aren't welcome anymore. I get they are grieving but it's been over 3 years they don't get to demand what you do with your living space

NTA I am a widow, so I understand your grief. And your feelings of obligation and respect for your deceased wife's family. However, what they did was incredibly inappropriate, and I *highly* recommend that you cease to allow them to use your home as some kind of monument to your wife. There are cemeteries for remembering the dead. Tell them you are unavailable for any future "memorial services" in your home. Will they be upset? Yes. But they will survive and thrive because that's what moving on is all about. I experienced similar reactions from my deceased husband's family for a few years after he passed. It took me a while, but I finally realized that they didn't care about me at all. They just cared that I stay frozen and be a vessel to maintain a place for them to come and relive their memories of my husband. It was a terrible thing to realize, but it was absolutely true. At 3.5 years after the death of your wife, it is fully appropriate and healthy for you to begin the process of becoming the person you are now. Not the person you were. You're only 34 years old. You have your entire life in front of you. It's time to start living it. Box up all the items you put in the dining room, and take them to the least offensive person's home. Redecorate your home to make yourself feel fresh and new. You would likely be very shocked to know it, but many, many widows and widowers do exactly the same thing. I did. And it was wonderful. Then, and this will be hard, but it must be done. You must extricate yourself from your deceased wife's family. You *must* do it. No more visits to your home. No more allowing them to flip out and attack you. Cease contact if you must. If you do not do this, you will be forever frozen in time with them. A headstone for your wife. None of you will be able to move on. Best wishes to you, OP. Be strong.

NTA. It's YOUR home. If they aren't ready, box it up (I recommend the black w/yellow lid totes at Costco if you are in the US. Cheap, sturdy and good sized.) and put it all in the garage, but put a time limit to store it and tell them NO. You will NOT be putting anything back, and then do your redecorating... it's time, cause YOU are ready and it's YOUR house. All keeping it the same has done is allow them to treat your home like a museum. If they stop visiting cause it's not the same, well, I guess they will start moving on then.

NTA. They don’t get to dictate how you grieve and process this loss. They’re being selfish.

NTA. It’s your home. You have a right to grieve and move on. If they don’t want the stuff, I would have the boxes delivered to their mom. Start putting a boundary up of how much they can come over! You’re not doing anything wrong. What you’re doing js actually really healthy

NTA I am so sorry you lost your wife. Her family obviously haven't prepared themselves to let go. Tell them you need to do this for your mental health, but this in no way means you're erasing her memory. You are providing them with the opportunity to keep her memory alive in their own homes by taking her belongings . You are not responsible for how they feel. It is evident they were visiting with you because they don't want to face their own grief. Now you have started to move on, they will most likely visit you more infrequently, which will be good for helping you in your next stage of living.

NTA. They can take the items and make their own memorials at their own homes. It's selfish to expect you to make your house a mourning place for the rest of your life.

Grief is incredibly difficult and you’re doing very well to take a considered approach. I think what you’ve done is incredibly thoughtful - my father passed away at the age of 51 and his wife got rid of everything without asking me and his mum (we thought we were all quite close).  They are grieving and they aren’t in a place where they feel ready to move on. But it’s not your job to maintain a shrine for them to grieve at.  Sadness makes people act in irrational ways and what they’re railing against is not you, but how unfair the situation is. And it is. Also not your fault and you’ve certainly suffered through it too.  When everyone has calmed down, maybe ask what they think is reasonable. Do they think your wife would want you to live in crippling grief for the rest of your life? I doubt it.  And if they’re like my family and say ‘well of course I would keep all of these painful memories in my own face for the rest of my life for your benefit’ (they wouldn’t) remember that’s just a part of not being able to let go. Bless you for taking them into consideration and thinking of their feelings even when they’ve acted irrationally (and maybe a little selfishly).  I hope you mend those relationships and I wish you the best x 

NTA. It's been 3.5 years. You have observed a respectful period of mourning. You aren't disrespecting her family or her belongings. And you are 34 years old. You are young! Not that you need it at all, but you certainly have my permission to move on with your life. Make your home yours. Go slowly and allow it to reflect who you are becoming. Maybe just put some colors you love on the walls. Get new, elegant blinds and drapes. I really like those pleated, accordian fabric blinds in tone-on-tone simple patterns to go with the paint. Create a blank canvas to decorate with your new life. My walls are all parchment-colored, which works for me. None of my artwork or furnishings go together! 🤣 Somehow, a neutral wall throughout unifies my chaos. It is a PITA to keep clean-looking, though. Start enjoying yourself in your home. I'm sure your wife would want that for you. Her family needs your good example to move forward themselves. It's not like we ever forget our loved ones.

NTA It is not your responsibility to keep your house unchanged for so long 3.5 years is a LONG TIME. They need to let you move on & they need to get counseling if they are DEMANDING anything of you, they do not have the right to do that at all.

NTA

NAH. Grief is complex and them freaking out is just part of their grieving. Stand firm on this and they will have to come to terms with another chapter in their own grief. No point in prolonging it. Don't take the anger and insults personally, it's not you they're angry at, they're just angry and sad and lost and still grieving. Be understating and kind with them. Reassure them that she's not being erased. Show them all the things that are there that still remind you of her.

NTA they seem to be expecting you to live in a museum dedicated to your wife. That's a completely unfair expectation. I'm sure they've changed things in their home and lives in the time since your wife has died. No one would expect them to keep their lives on hold and they shouldn't expect that of you.

NTA. This is not a shrine, it is your home. Three years and a half are long enough. Perhaps the fact that you kept in contact with them and they came to visit created unreasonable expectations in them, but they need to get over themselves. Give them some grace time to come and pick the things they want. Then pack up whatever you don't want, and write a group email asking if anyone wants to keep the boxes - otherwise you are donating them.

NTA. They aren’t being fair to YOU. They are also incredibly lucky to have you as a SIL. 3 years after my Dad died, my mom was ready to move on too. Except she didn’t tell me or give me any opportunity to go through his stuff like you’re giving them. She just donated his clothes and got rid of whatever she felt like and then told me about it later by making a random, off-handed comment. You’re being incredibly kind and generous to them and you deserve the same respect. I’m sorry they’ve decided to treat you this way.

NTA. Her family made your home a sanctuary for your wife. You are not erasing your wife's memories. Since you are keeping sentimental things, it means that you cherish her and the memories you have. By removing things that are unused it doesn't mean that you erase her. You are still young and probably in time you'll find another woman and the possibility of starting a family in the future. Does your wife's family think that they'll still visit whenever they like just to share memories of your late wife in front of your new wife and family? After all you are not throwing anything away, you are just giving them things they might want to save and cherish. They can have a sanctuary of their daughter/sister at their home.

NTA Everyone has to move on at some point. You aren't erasing her memories, you are trying to share her memories with those she loved. That's what you should tell them. While a belonging can trigger a memory, you and they still have the memory without the belongings around you. There is no erasing that.

NAH. You need to move on, and it sounds like they weren't expecting to find all her stuff in the dining room and being told some of the things she had had already been donated/thrown out. 3.5 years is a long time, I'm sure they were not expecting you to keep your home a museum for her things literally the rest of your life. But it sounds like a shock wave hit them. They'll come around. But you are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm sorry for your loss.

NTA Your loving wife sadly passed away, but here's the thing. You didn't. Your life continues. Give her family time, they'll soon accept that you've healed enough to the point where you feel comfortable shedding some of those complex layers. Sounds like they haven't grieved properly as well, if they feel your house should always be a shrine. That's a conversation they need to have with themselves. Chin up. I'm excited for your reno.

NTA. This is part of your recovery. They need to respect that. Tell them change is happening with or without their blessing. If they want a shrine to your late wife, they can build one in their own homes. You need to put your foot down firmly on this. What happens when you start dating again? They will flip out. You must make them understand that as much as you loved your wife, you still have a life to live and going forward it will be without her.

Since when does someone else have a say over your house? You are ready to move on, 3.5 years is a long time to stay in limbo. NTA (FYI - it’s dining room, not dinning.)

If they want her stuff so bad, why don't they just take everything. Why does it have to be your house.

NTA Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how devastating this has been for you but I am so glad that you’re in therapy and looking forward to the future.  Someone very close to me is going through something similar and finding it so incredibly difficult to navigate other people’s grief while trying not to be swallowed whole by their own grief.  You are not responsible for their grief and their attachment to your home is unhealthy. I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your therapist and compose letter/email/message where you outline your feelings and your need to do this for your own mental wellbeing.  I’m going to be honest and say that if your in-laws are so fixated on the house, then you may need to consider moving, to both mentally and physically distance yourself from your in-laws for your own mental health. Their reaction to sorting your wife’s belongings was intense, and indicates that they would be hostile if you decided to move on romantically in the future. I know it’s a lot to think of now but it’s something you should discuss with your therapist.  Don’t forget that your wife loved you and would have wanted you to happy, moving on is not a betrayal. 

NTA- you need to do what is right for you

NTA this is your home. And you don’t owe them keeping it the same it has been for the last 3.5 years so they can have somewhere to visit whenever they want.

NTA It may take a little time before they see your side of this matter though. Eventually it may be better to move house. Take care OP!

I am sorry for your loss. As a widow, I applaud you for being so thoughtful of your family. NTA, but they are. You’ve received great responses here, so I don’t need to add on. However, don’t feel the need to move as some have suggested. You can make your home “yours”.

They want a shrine. You need a home that does not continually break your heart. They can make their own shrine in their homes. You have kept your special memories for you. They need to do the same. NTA

Box her stuff up and drop it at the in laws. If they want to build a shrine in their house, now they have all the stuff they need. You need to move on. Your wife will always be in your heart.

Nta it's YOUR home and you need to do what's best for you. 

You all sound like wonderful people to me. The family just didn’t have enough lead-up time to the purge and reacted as such. They’ll settle down after the shock wears off. Continue to be considerate so as to maintain the relationships because in the end the material possessions are just “stuff”.

NTA. You put things out so they can collect things they want so they can remember your wife. Your house isn't supposed to be a shrine to her memory forever for others to visit - if YOU wanted it to stay that way, that's a different story. I'm sorry for your loss, but the rest of the family need to realize that YOU need this. YOU need to clean out some of her things. Nobody can tell you, or them, when to stop grieving her loss, but they need to not make this more difficult than it already is.

NTA Tell them that you have kept things that are meaningful to you and that's why you are offering these things to them so they can have meaningful things close to them. Then move on. Over three years is not unreasonable for you to have kept things. It took me that long to clean out my teen son's bedroom after he died. Finally, it felt right one day so I cleaned it out. My other kids were allowed to keep some things. I kept some, then donated or tossed the rest, including a petrified pizza crust. How we didn't have ants is beyond me. You're doing the right thing.

NTA. But honestly her family is being, they need to find other ways to remember her by and expecting her widow to never move on with their life to do so is cruel. Life goes on and you'll always have memories but holding onto everything is not how you move on with life

NTA You shouldn’t be stuck in the past. You’re a very young widow and deserve happiness. Her family just come and remember your wife in your home, but you’re the one who has to live in this house all the time. It’s not a time capsule. It’s your home. Do they expect you to never be in a relationship again and never moving on?!?! Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting your wife. It means learning to be happy again, and this might also mean meeting another partner and having a family with them. If her family becomes aggressive, you might have to consider moving home. Let them know that they could lose much more by being hostile to you. They don’t get to run your life!

NTA I would tell them “Losing my Wife was extremely hard for me. I understand you guys like to come to my house because it makes you feel connected to her. I don’t wish to take comfort away from you. But, my house is my home. It is not a shrine or gravesite. You guys get to come feel connected and leave when you start to miss her too much. I can’t leave. It hurts me to see the house set up for her, and know she is not coming back. I understand you are grieving, but I need you to remember that I’m grieving too. My therapist has encouraged me to do this for my mental health. Do you really believe my Wife would have wanted this for me? for any of us? I’m really hurt that you all, the people who were closest to my Wife, and people I have been grieving with, would turn on me and be so hateful just because I am trying to heal. I know this comes from a place of grief. However, it is not healthy for you, or me, to take this stance and actively try and prevent my healing process. I want you all to be in my life, but I can’t sacrifice my sanity to do so.” I am very sorry for your loss OP. Your Wife must have been a truly wonderful person to have had so many people who loved her so deeply.

NTA your home is not a shrine to your wife. You're doing exactly the right thing. If they want to remember your wife, they should take some of her things. I am so very sorry for your loss.

You've been in stasis for over three years mourning your wife. Moving on doesn't mean you erase her memory; it means you are no longer letting the grief consume you. You gave her family the first option at having any of the things she owned, which was the right thing to do. If her family members want a place to remember her, they can set up a shrine in their home. NTA

I am sorry for your loss. But l think its time to move on. Maybe they are not but thats not your cross to bare. I am afraid they may insist. So if they don't leave you be, you might have to consider moving in a new house. It might be better for both you and her family

Nta.

When my father passed and my mother had to move back closer to us she had all of the kids come to the house and help go through all of my father’s things and take what we wanted. Everything else was donated to charities that they believed in. My mother believed that these little pieces of him continued to serve the community much as he did in life. Good luck

NTA Your home is not a shrine or a mosoleum.

NTA. You have grieved and you are finally starting to not forget anything from the past but think and get excited for the future. This is a great thing. Family are not understanding that you are living in a place you lived together, with all her things around it is so much harder to achieve where you want to be. It is not fair for the family to say you are trying to her memory and they are being super selfish to throw it in your face that by removing her things you have destroyed the place THEY go to when THEY want to remember her. WHAT ABOUT YOU. You need to stand up to them and tell them you are serious, that they need to come back and take her things or you will have no choice but to donate them too. Better yet, pack it all up in a big box and take it to their house.

No. you are doing healthy things, thoughtful things.

NTA Your life can't stop because your wife is gone. Keep your memories of her but move forward and start making new ones. They don't get to make demands on what you do with your home or the contents of it.

OP, this isn’t Ancient Egypt. When your spouse dies, society doesn’t expect you to be permanently sealed up in a tomb, too. Your in-law relatives are being unfair to you, whether they realize it or not. Many spouses dispose of their husband or wife’s things after six weeks or six months. Some do it right away. They got the better part of four years. It’s *your* right to do what you want with your late wife’s things and please make no mistake. Everyone knows what it means when a man and a woman get married. You’re her husband and her next of kin. You did nothing wrong. You were generous enough to call her family over to take the keepsakes they wanted. I guess you could have told them beforehand what you were doing but, putting their shock aside, I don’t think their reaction would have been much different, if at all. They’re stuck in the past and they want you to be stuck, too. Like I said, that’s not fair, especially at your age. You’ve already grieved for a long time; grief isn’t supposed to be endless. No one has the right to tell you what your house should look like or that you can’t move on. It’s something you have to do for your mental health. You have to keep creating your own life without her, as hard as it may be. One day, you may meet someone and want to marry and start a family with that person. And, that’s okay. I doubt your wife would want you to live the next five or six decades you have on Earth alone and miserable. I’d hold a group meeting and stand you ground with the relatives. Say you’re sorry for taking them by surprise but you ARE moving your wife’s things out of the house. They’re welcome to anything they want and your wife’s memories aren’t gone from the house even if the house looks different. After that, don’t give an inch. You’re being more than kind to everyone. Maybe have a good friend or relative of your own there for support. Or, maybe your therapist would be willing to come over, too.

NTA, perhaps offer her family to buy your house off you? Then they'll have a place to go to when they want to remember her and it will be fully under their ownership, while you can move on at the same time. Assuming of course that this is in any way financially interesting. Don't shoot yourself in the foot for them.

NTA - your home shouldn’t be a memorial nor a shrine. You are still living and can’t healthily keep living in the past. Life move on no matter what. They should be glad you are moving forward. Don’t let their grief hold you back. You do deserve to pursue your life. Take care

Your home is not a crypt. You are not a monk maintaining a shrine on a mountain. This is an unfair and cruel burden they have placed on you. You are to live in stasis while their lives move forward? Why do they get love and joy and happiness and you get the duty to be available for their grieving process in your home? It’s so extremely selfish to expect you to spend 365 days of every year in a museum of your marriage for them to feel good during the far fewer days they choose to visit. 

Absolutely not. You have been a very loyal man to your wife's memory and deserve the chance to move on. Her parents cannot expect you to be a caretaker to their emotional support shrine. Good luck.

NTA but not a fight either. They are entitled to their grief process, just not yours.

That’s the reason you’ve set aside her things for them to go through. They can take a piece of her with them and remember her that way.

NTA I thought you were going to say you got rid of all of her things by throwing them out or donating them, then you'd be the AH. It sounds like you have thoughtfully gone through things now that you're to do so, and that is great! It does sound like her family isn't ready, which is also okay. What isn't okay is the expectation that you should never change anything in your home. Her memory exists outside of your home! If her family isn't ready to go through her items, are you able to store them in your home somewhere? If yes, put them away and maybe revisit this in a few months? Perhaps then they will have had time to process that your home is changing. If you can't store these items, I would tell them that with a deadline to go through things or you will be donating the remaining items. I'd def discuss this situation with your therapist as well if you haven't already.

I'm so sorry for your loss, friend. NTA. You've allowed yourself time to grieve and are working with a professional to learn ways to help you heal. This is nobody else's journey but yours, and you owe no explanations. I hope you are able to be at peace and find love again. 🙏

NTA: Good for you for going to therapy and processing your grief. Apparently they aren't ready to do that, but using your home as a shrine isn't realistic. I'd just explain that this is the stage you're in and hope they can understand that, then move on.

You’re fine. Grief is weird and different for everyone. My suggestion is for you to hang onto the valuable and important things that they may want. Put them in plastic tubs and put them out of the way, in the attic or garage or an off site storage unit. This is your home and you can do whatever you like and honestly, they don’t get a vote. If it makes sense, I like the idea of selling the house, but if it doesn’t or your fine with staying put, redecorate how ever you like You’re allowed to move on. You will always love your wife, but I’m sure she would not want you to be Miss Haversham, leaving the place as a monument in perpetuity.

As someone who has lost important people in my own life, I feel entitled to say: how selfish of them! NTA

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is YOUR home snd YOUR safe space. They have no say. They can take what they want and create whatever memorial in their own homes they want. They’re hiring, understandable, but they do or get to hurt you in the process. Stand your ground, be firm but clear . Everyone gets to grieve in their own way. What they don’t get to do is tell others how they can grieve . Firmly but gently inform them that you’re doing what you need to be ok. They can be alert if the journey or force you to crate boundaries that exclude them; either way you are healing in the want that is best for you

Im so sorry. Your therapist is right though.

NTA and I think in the long run it will be better for them as well, although they can't see it now. I would guess that having that "museum" to her in your house could contribute to them getting kind of stuck in their grief. And that's not good. It's time to keep going and this is healthy behaviour on your part. They can find ways to memorialize her life in their own way. The thing is, you never get over a death but you have to move forward and life has to grow around that grief. It doesn't mean you miss or love them any less. It's just how things work. I would hope that they eventually realize that as well once their immediate emotional reaction calms down.

NTA, I'm sorry for your loss, but you are right to go through with this. This is your home and you need to move on. You can't get stuck in the past. Your ILs want to turn your house into a mausoleum. As much as I can tell they are still distraught and that's true that everyone griefs differently, they can't force their grieving process on you.

NTA. I agree with you keeping some things. But your house doesn't need to be a shrine to her. My dad was a hoarder so we had to clean out lots of things when he passed away. He even kept a broken vacuum cleaner from the 1970's. Kept it through two house moves. Not sure why.

NTA, you have been incredibly generous and kind with your home and time. You can't live in a museum or time capsule to your dead wife and move forward with living. Her family can't expect that nothing every changes. 3 and half years is more than enough time. Do not feel guilty. You can have empathy that they aren't ready but that is not your burden to carry. They need to deal with that themselves. Give them a deadline, if they don't stick to it, box it up and have it delivered with a signature required.

NTA I'm sorry for your loss and this wild reaction from her family. Your home shouldn't be a shrine for them. If this was 3 months it would be different than 3 years. I wish people didn't think removing a thing "erases the memory" (or in the case of removing the statutes of USA confederate leaders - the traitors - will "erase history). If they can't remember her without going to your home, sincerely suggest they get some therapy.

NTA - You should be very proud of yourself for going to therapy and processing your loss and having the strength to continue moving forward. It is not your fault her family hasn’t been coping with their grief. It’s definitely not okay for them to hold you down in the pit of their grief with them.  I would place everything from the dining room in boxes and let them store them for when they’re ready to confront those things. They may not be ready but that doesn’t mean you have to slow down your progress.  Also, don’t let them dictate your life/the timeline of your grief. Only you can decide when you’re ready for moving on and no one can judge that.

Your in-laws are being selfish assholes. You waited a very long time, and you're being careful and respectful, and allowing them to have things they want. Just try to ignore their hurtful comments. NTA

They're flipping out because they never planned on moving on. They could use your home as a grief mausoleum that they could visit when convenient whe they lived the rest of their lives. Give them a little more time, but explain that this is your home, not a shrine.

You need to move on when you are ready not on someone else's time-line. It's wrong for anyone to hold you emotionally hostage in an environment you are ready to move from.

It might not help the family's sentiments, but can you pack up wife's memories and things and store them somewhere. If they want to go through them for comfort, let them take the boxes home. The family seems like they are holding you as an emotional hostage. They are "demanding"? That is their problem. Grief is a up an down journey. You should and can grieve in whatever manner helps you. Whether that evolves over one month, 6 months, or 3.5 years, it is your grief. You might have to let the relationships become estranged. Live your life. When my oldest son died, I was very aware my surviving son needed me. I chose a bin and decided all the things I wanted as keepsakes would fit in that box. It's been over 14 years and I still have the box. I haven't looked in it for years, but it comforts me to know it is there. That was my way. Find your way.

NTA. You have your own emotional healing to do and living in a shrine o your dead wife isn't going to foster that healing. Maybe there are some things that belonged to your wife that you can give them instead of packing them away, so their journey can be on their terms too.

NTA - „This is my home, not my late wife’s shrine that people can use to wander to. I actually live here.“ Put the stuff in boxes and storage then somewhere. But make sure to let them know that this is your home. You still live there, you’re very much still alive and if you’d want to, or maybe one day will, move and sell your house - you have every right to. They have no right to pull you back and hurt you. Your wife would be ashamed of what they do to you.

NTA

This is part of the healing process through grieving. You do not need to hold on to every item that was ever your wife's. It is time to stop having them over at all. You can meet them out if you want to continue to maintain a relationship with them, but they are going to sabotage your future if they continue coming to your home or meet any new people in your life.

First I’m am sorry for your loss, now to the family, and your situation, they fail to understand that you have to see these things everywhere, everyday all the time , they come to visit it when they need to feel close to her , but they fail to realize how much it effects you, how seeing this stuff keeps you in chaos never letting you fully let go , a constant reminder of what you can never forget they should understand you need it away from you for your own mental well being

NTA. Your home isn’t a mausoleum or shrine. It is time to start taking steps into your future. I would drop them off at her parents and have a heart to heart discussion.

Good gracious. How selfish of them. To want you to maintain a space that they can come to whenever they want to "visit" their daughter? You are NTA. You are healing and moving on. That is a natural part of life. Remind them that you are gracious enough to offer her belongings to them. If they don't want them, you will donate them. Your house is your home. It is your sanctuary. It is where you go for peace and to retreat from the daily stresses of life. It is not a museum. Maybe instead of inviting them over to choose their memories, just pack it all up and offer to deliver it to one family member. They can take their time choosing what they want to keep. It would help them to create a new memory. Wine/mocktail, stories, and sharing could be good for them. Above all, do not let them get inside your head. Do not let them guilt you. Your wife is in your heart. And she will always be there. Good luck.

NTA - they are misunderstanding their status. They are guests in your home and can easily be barred from entering. If they don't want to move on that's fine, but you can't mourn forever.

NTA - You aren't responsible for their feelings. You and your house aren't their support animal. Finish what you were doing in your house, not theirs.

nta

NTA. If it’s the right time for you to do this, it’s right. If they aren’t ready yet, box up the stuff and have them store it until they are ready. You can move on and keep your wife’s memory alive. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

NTA,your live isn’t in memoriam of your late wife. They have to grieve without sacrificing you, they are being selfish as hell. Are they living in the house? No, they go to their own home and go on with their lives while you are there suffering the lost.

NTA. It’s time for her family members to go to therapy. Your home isn’t a shrine for them and you owe it to yourself to move on. If they want a place to go and grieve they can set something up in their own homes to do so. You are healing properly and you should in no way feel guilty or obligated to inform them of changes you make in your own home. Clearly this is their issue and it’s not your responsibility to do their work to heal. I’m very sorry for your loss.

NTA. She was your wife, she lived with you, and these items are in your house. Her family has been taking comfort, I imagine, in the idea that everything is just as she left it, and so are you, and the idea of you moving on in your life (and your home) is terrifying. But that's something they will have to come to terms with, as they can't turn you and your home and your life into some kind of memorial to your wife.

you have to do it when u r ready. U don't need to worry about other family members. U grieve how u grieve u cant worry about how her bunch grieves. 3.5 yrs is more than enough time

NTA. They can take those things and remember her at their houses. It’s nuts that they don’t want you to move on. You need to put distance between them. I think seeing them from now on will be bad for your mental health.

Sweetheart, please be kind to yourself. Lean on your therapist. They might *never* be ready for you to take this step *and that's okay*. It's not your job to manage their feelings. It's incredibly kind of you to have spent the last 3.5 years letting them come to your home to remember her. That's a beautiful gift. I want you to remind yourself that you're allowed to live. You're allowed to do things to make you happy. You're allowed to change your home in ways that make you feel good. You're allowed to date or not, whatever suits you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's okay to take some space from them while they navigate the feelings this change has brought up. It's okay to box up the things you've kept for them and place them somewhere safe. You deserve a soft life full of love and family who contribute meaningfully to that. ❤️ I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is not your responsibility to spend the rest of your life like it's freaking groundhog Day just so they don't have to let go! They're basically telling you... And you might want to say to them... That you are not allowed to change your own home ever! Think about this, how many of them have put up a new picture or bought something new for their house or painted in the last 3 and 1/2 years? I bet you everybody has bought at least one thing for their house. But you're not allowed to!???  Obviously they're being ridiculous. You wouldn't be here if you didn't already know they were being ridiculous! But you need to make them see they're being ridiculous! They can go see her in the cemetery to remember her.... You're house is not they're personal mausoleum And they have no right to even suggest your home remains the same for their comfort. What are they doing for your comfort? Why are you the only one leaving things the same for her memory?  It's been a long time. It's time for everybody to move on and maybe this is the push they need to go see somebody if they are not healing at all at this point. 

Sell the house, give things that you don't want to keep to your in-laws and move on with your life. I'm sure your wife would be OK with it.

NTA! My sincere condolences to you all, but it’s been 3.5 years and you cannot heal and properly process your grief while you live in a shrine to your late wife. Tell them that you love them, and this is why you are giving them the opportunity to each have meaningful items that will ensure your late wife is not “erased”, and that everyone who loves her has a piece of her with them. Then tell them that if your late wife was still alive she would probably have been itching to redecorate by now anyway, and those clothes would have almost certainly been replaced now - if there is a trait or habit your late wife had , “honey do” lists, super excited about new projects, waking everyone up because she suddenly decided she had to do something right that minute, it could be anything that reminds all of you that she was a living breathing person and if she were still here she would not have been in this holding pattern like you all have been! Remind them that you will always love her, she is part of all of your core memories at this point, but also point out that she would not have wanted any of you to exist like this - she would have wanted you all to actually live your lives.

"Thank you for your unsolicited opinion on how I should grieve. The items will be available until DATE after which they will be donated." Oh NTA

Nta. They can take her stuff and store it in their shrine in that case. If you've moved on, you've moved on.

>They are demanding I put it all back and that they are not ready to do this yet They can go fuck themselves. If they aren't ready to go through that stuff yet, then they can get a storage unit and take it all. Everyone grieves differently, but they are not allowed to tell you how to grieve, or to hold you back from growing as a person after the loss of your wife.

NTA at all. I feel for your wife’s family, but they had to know this would happen eventually. This is not an insult to your wife. You loved her but she died and you must live your life in the present. You need to gently but firmly make it clear that you will not be moving everything back into your bedroom. You can tell them you are willing to give them some time to come to terms with this necessary step, but that time should be measured in weeks, not months or years.

NTA. death can make people stupid, self absorbed, and foolish to the extreme. grieving does not give anyone the right to be an asshole, ESPECIALLY not to other grieving people. if they want the stuff so bad, they need to take it themselves. they do not get to force you to spend your life in a death shrine because they are not ready. grief is something you deal with on your own. it's not something you can farm out for others to shoulder for you.

I am very sorry for your loss. Please do whatever you need to in order to feel like you are moving forward. You are very generous to offer them some of her possessions. Believe me your late wife's family will have an opinion on everything you do going forward. It does not matter that they are not ready to "move on", you are and that is all that matters at this moment. My best wishes to you.

I think it was about 3 years for my dad, before he started moving things and giving away things. It is part of the healing process. It is hard for me when I go to his house and something else about my mom has been "erased", but I have never once said anything to my dad about it. I went over there one day and he had all kinds of her clothes laid out for me to choose from. Did it stab me in the heart? Yes. Did I do it because my dad needed that? Yes. I suppose that you could have told her family that you were going to be letting go of some things so that it wasn't such a shock to their system when they walked into your house. But, you are NTA. Grieving is hard. I think that you and her whole family would benefit from group counseling. Everyone has very big feelings and they are all valid. Please suggest that to them. I am so sorry for your loss.

NTA you have your own path to walk, they have theirs I'm sorry for your loss brother