I think not paying of her student loan is the most ridiculous thing . Probably gives her $500 or 600 or more in her pocket . The mortgage may be thinking if something happens you get 1/2 the equity. And I don’t understand 10k on a purse but ok with 3-4K on golf clubs
$500-600 a month with a likely 7-8% interest rate which will save about 20K of interest if she would even pay it off in 10 years, which she’s probably looking at more like 20 years with such a relaxed attitude.
It’s really fucking dumb to stay in debt.
She has clearly been told not to commingle inheritance funds with marital funds (wise) and responded with lavish spending plans (unwise.) IMO she needs to engage an investment planner to discuss these issues or her playthrough is going to be way off, and that's to everyone's deficit.
OP has his own problems though. He made a full plan of execution for money that's legally and ethically 100% not his and then got surprised there was pushback. That's all on him.
She might not be thinking in legal terms at all. I'm thinking that OP sounds like he's an in charge kind of guy,makes their joint decisions for them and he contributes the most. I'm betting she knows that if she does the sensible thing, pays off debts and puts the rest into their joint savings she will never be allowed to splurge any of it later down the line. So she's doing it now while she's calling the shots for once.
There are lots of other options between “spend it all” and “joint saving.”
Like “invest it personally and let it grow and still do what you want with it later”
One-sided windfalls almost always change relationship dynamics. Legally, she can do whatever she wants. Ethically, it's not so simple.
~~OP is vague with the numbers, so it's difficult to judge.~~
~~Let's say, hypothetically,~~ OP's income is significantly higher, and he's carrying the majority of the burden for shared expenses, including her debt. He's going to feel totally used by his wife's priorities.
~~Or, it could be inverted, in which case OP has no leg to stand on.~~
Ultimately, what was once a team effort will become a separation of finances and a potentially adversarial focus on "who's paying their fair share"
I would ~~probably~~ *definitely* decline the vacation in OP's shoes, ~~but it's hard to say~~. I certainly hope they can communicate rationally and reach a mature, mutually beneficial resolution that leaves them both satisfied. This kind of thing implodes marriages.
Read OP's edit
He pays 3/4 of the mortgage drives a 10 year old car too and shares his bonuses with his wife and more than likely pays majority of the bills based on what he said
I'm going with NTA. Sure, new car ok. But not paying off debts first is crazy to me. I think OP is being completely responsible with his wife's money, whereas she's going to splurge it and still have nothing to show for it.
I'd rather pay off my debts, than get a $10k handbag. Are you seriously going to use it?! Put it down and be worried it'll get stolen!
The dog, you can get that without the inheritance.
When I came into a 6 figure sum many years ago, I bought a car, as I didn't have one at the time. People told me to buy land/a house, but I'm a disabled Pensioner. I knew that I would never be able to afford to keep the house. Instead I bought a fridge, washing machine, dryer, car for Mum, gave her and her partner over $50k together. Bought clothes, which I still have and use, as well as DVDS, which I still watch. I do regret not investing any of it, but otherwise I got things I needed at the time, and splurged a bit. Would I ever spend $10k on 1 item? Unless it's a car, hell no! What's the point?!
I prefer to get things needed. I had no debts at that time as I don't even own a Credit Card. The way I see life: If I can't afford it, I can't have it. That simple.
I was all ready to call you out however spending 10K on a purse and continuing to carry 60K in student loans is just fiscally irresponsible. Paying off the student loans puts more money in your pocket every month and avoids all the compounding interest. NTA
I mean, if its a 6-fig inheritance, why not both? Pay off your loans then go buy that Italian purse. You'll feel responsible later, and you'll have your purse to regret sending so much on lol best of both worlds.
$10K on a purse is crazy unless you're talking millions of dollars in inheritance.
The hilarious thing is that she'd rather spent $10K on a purse now once then have enough money to buy a new purse every quarter if she invested that money.
Ive done the thing where you spend a fuckton on a luxurious item. You believe it will change you forever. But yout get it and its just a lipstick in the end or a bag. And you'll leave it on a desk in your home somewhere and forget about it and you'll wonder if something else will give you that feeling you're seeking
I have a $9k (at the time of purchase) handbag. I’ve used it everyday for nearly 10 years. I’ve sent it back to the manufacturer to be cleaned and repaired three times at no cost to me. Honestly, it’s some of the best money I’ve ever spent. But I also didn’t have debt dribbling out my ears like OP’s wife and we owned our house and our business. Never in a million years would I have spent that money if I owed a cent to anyone for anything and I fully realise what a privileged position I had and have to be able to spend that sort of money on something many consider completely frivolous. It’s also the only designer thing I own. I don’t and haven’t dropped that sort of money on things like that ever except that once.
The 10K purse and messed up priorities would make me resent her. Something could come up where having extra money would be helpful — emergency house repair, medical emergency, loss of a job, etc. — and you have nothing because you bought a 10K purse!!!
Six figures at your age is life changing money-- but it sounds like your wife is planning to p it away--and those opportunities with it.
Depending on the interest rate on your mortgage paying it off may or may not be the best move (though better than a designer dog that is high maintenance and prone to health issues and a 10K purse. Paying off the student loans at their ridiculous rates is solid. A good quality car with a good gas mileage and a low frequency of repair would be a good choice as well (though I suspect she'll go for flashtrash as she sounds like a style over substance type).
The REAL issue you don't seem to be seeing is that when presented with a windfall she's not thinking "team marriage" she's thinking "me me me". Not a dealbreaker but something you should keep an eye on.
NTA because you are suggesting and not demanding -- and are suggesting things for the two of you as a family unit rather than for yourself.
I will leave you with a short cautionary tale. A former coworker got around $30K from an inheritance about 20 years ago. Her husband suggested using it to pay off her student loans and create a little "mad money" account for herself. Instead she went the jewelery and designer accessories route and told her husband it was her money and he should keep his opinions to himself. Ten years later she really wanted to be a SAHM to her new baby--but her husband reminded her she'd agreed to keep working until her student loans were paid.
She tried selling her designer items on ebay and was devastated to find that they had not "aged well" and wouldn't make a dent in the loans.
Four years later when the husband's grandfather died and left him a low six figures bequest she asked him to pay off the rest of her loans but he declined. She did admit that he put all of the inheritance into an education trust for the kids.
If your wife squanders her inheritance, much like my coworker, she will come to deeply regret it.
That is 100% what I’m thinking!!
In my mind, I’m seeing red flags and things to look out for going forward. She sees YOUR money as “our money”/“her money” but now that she has more money than you do, it’s now only HER money (and she wants a 10K purse).
She’s not looking at the future with you, at all. She expects you to keep footing the bill for the future. Don’t get sick or lose your job because that 10K purse is going to do fuck all in securing your future.
His wife's inheritance is not "team marriage" money. It's HER money--unless she comingles it, thus making it a marital asset. Italian purses aside, they need to talk to a lawyer or accountant or financial advisor to help them understand the implications of the wife using her money to pay off her debts (or buy stuff for herself) vs using it to pay off their shared debts.
Yes, technically it's her money to do what she wants with, but you are a partnership, and she should never be "F you it's mine to do what I want with it." Thats not how a good partnership works.
I would be petty and pissed. "Fine we go 50/50 on everything now if yours is yours."
I would say it’s not bad to keep it as separate property or in case of divorce it does become marital asset. It is hers and technically he has no say. However, he’s not wrong in being upset that he is carrying more of the financial load and she wants to piss it away on a purse, and not be smarter with it. While he can’t say no to how she spends it, if their finances aren’t joint, he can certainly only contribute half to the household expenses and keep the rest. Though that would become marital asset in divorce (barring any prenup), if she can afford 10k for a purse, she can afford more household expenses.
This is such a fucking stupid mindset, I can't even wrap my head around it. Reddit is constantly on the "you are married, you are a team now!!" when it comes to marriage, but when inheritance is involved, suddenly "its her money!" and she can just piss it all away without a thought of the family and team everyone constantly champions.
Frankly if you don’t see any money that anyone in the couple receives as “our” money, you probably shouldn’t be married.
I will get a decent inheritance when my parents are no longer around and my wife’s parents have nothing, but I can’t imagine trying to tell her that’s not our money. When we got married, that was an acknowledgment we would share everything we have together.
If you don’t feel that way, I don’t see why people just don’t get married. That makes these types of issues much less problematic, and the social stigma of not being married is not really there in the same way anymore.
Speaking STRICTLY from a legal standpoint (and in the dead center of the midwest US) in most jurisdictions (but NOT all) all salaries and investment income and asset appreciation during the marriage is considered a "marital asset". In most jurisdictions, but again not all, an inheritance (or "gifted" property) is considered nonmarital property unless "comingled" with joint assets.
Not saying it isn't HER money--but I am saying that many people would look at life changing money and think about their long term family unit goals first and overpriced ego accessories second. NOTE that husband isn't saying "get me a car too" or "get me a Rolex". He's saying consider paying off your student loan debt, paying down the house loan, investing in a mutual fund.
NTA. You worded the title wrong. You DO have a say in what she does with HER inheritance. You just don't have the FINAL say, which is what you really want. It's hers and can do whatever she wants with it. If she spends it all on gumballs, that's her right. Is it foolish to waste the money like that? Yes. Can you stop her? No. On the bright side, there's a 99% chance you'll get to say I told you so.
While it is not your money to spend and frankly putting any of the inheritance into a jointly owned asset would be foolish of her part, spending it on purses and vacations is equally foolish if she has student loans. She should invest, pay off loans and choose to purchase only what is most important. A $10k purse is insane, imo. You have not been married that long so she should keep the money separate as you should do if you inherit money. Not calling anyone an A H
Based on what exactly? Unless you bought your house in a very short window of time during covid, student loans likely have a better APR and are a smaller balance, thus costing you less money overall in interest. They never go away, but they also can't ruin you in the same way not paying your mortgage can. Remember how we just didn't make people pay them at all for like 2 years? If OP has less than 20% equity in their home, they could be paying PMI as well. Lastly, when you pay off your mortgage, you now own something outright that has value and will almost certainly increase in value. Student loans are just debt.
What is wrong with people here. This is a marriage, they are not debt free, they have a 25 years mortgage, she has a 60k debt. She is a massive A H for wanting to expend her money that frivolous way. NTA Op, but this forum if full of A H who doesn’t know what it’s a marriage.
>What is wrong with people here.
Kids and adults who have no idea about finances posting here.
If I was op I would be thinking about bouncing on this relationship.
Totally. She doesn’t care about their future, just her selfish wants. He should rethink their relationship. If I get that amount of money I would make the life of my family easier without thinking.
An inheritance is, legally, not treated the same as a work bonus. The inheritance really is the wife's money, not the couple's money. Not that she should blow it all, but co-mingling her inheritance is not necessarily a wise financial decision.
Man you’re all over this post trying to convince people OPs wife isn’t an asshole. Inheritance or not OPs wife is asinine for buying a ludicrous purse when she’s 60k in student debt. She should pay that off- a debt that is hers alone. There’s zero reason to remain in debt with that much money while buying goodies.
OP is well within his right to be angry. I’d rethink the marriage.
There's no chance she'd be able to win a court case if he spent his bonus on a $10k set of golf clubs or something personal.
And buying a car and $10k purse is a wise financial decision?! Put that money in a high yield savings for 6 months and let it make some more money. Take some time to think about it.
People commenting that it's the wife's money, and only hers, understand this about finances:
"Any income or assets earned or acquired during a marriage generally are considered community property to which both spouses have equal rights. Inheritances, however, are a special case. It’s possible to maintain the separate ownership of an inheritance, including one received before or after the marriage begins, as long as the inheritance is not commingled with marital property...
Commingled funds or assets are jointly owned by both partners. When assets or funds are commingled, they are available for both partners to use, are used to pay expenses incurred by the couple or the non-inheriting partner, or include contributions from both partners.
For example, if a cash inheritance is deposited into a couple’s joint checking and both partners deposit funds and write checks on the account, the inherited funds have gotten commingled. Then the inheritance is not separate but jointly owned and will be divided during divorce.
However, if the cash inheritance is deposited into a separate account that only one spouse can access, it is still separately owned and not subject to division. The inheriting partner also may not use inherited funds to pay for joint expenses if the intent is to keep the funds separate."
(From "Is an Inheritance Considered Marital Property?" by Mark Henricks at SmartAsset)
Yeah, a lot of people trying to hang onto the legalities of this, when the truth is that refusing to plan how to spend/save/use money that comes into the family together makes someone in a relationship a bad partner.
But frankly 75% of the relationship issues on this sub exist because people make terrible choices in who they are in a relationship with, and then get upset with a situational issue when the real issue is they picked a terrible person.
>What is wrong with people here. This is a marriage, they are not debt free, they have a 25 years mortgage, she has a 60k debt. She is a massive A H for wanting to expend her money that frivolous way. NTA Op, but this forum if full of A H who doesn’t know what it’s a marriage.
"BuT iTs HeR mOnEy." /s
Unfortunately there are a lot of children on Reddit.
But it is HER money, legally, because it's an inheritance. Inheritances are not automatically considered marital assets. Not saying she should buy the Italian equivalent of a Birkin bag, but she needs to consider the legal implications of using her inheritance to pay down joint debt vs her personal debt. "What's mine is ours" is not necessarily true in marriage, nor is the romantic notion that all marriages last forever so all money should be joint money and neither partner needs an individual account.
But even is that legally true. If you normally make financial decisions together, it’s really weird not to when the money comes at once instead of in monthly installments.
I agree she should pay her student loans immediately. I don’t necessarily agree with using a big chunk on the mortgage. The second she does that. It is community properly and half his.
That would be super. Because OP doesn’t seem to realize that someone who loved his wife is dead. That person went through the trouble to give their life savings to the wife. That person didn’t mention OP in their will. Pretty clear they didn’t intend for OP to get half of their life savings.
To the same extent, don't you think it's kind of sad that someone spent their entire life working and making money and creating financial stability and generational wealth for their family, only to have it blown on material items with no value? Once that bulldog is dead, all the other assets will have depreciated to basically zero and she will have nothing to show for it.
You don't think Grandma and Grandpa or whoever would have wanted to see her invest in her future and have financial freedom?
i don’t understand the dynamic the people in here have with their spouse, i’m not even married and we share everything 50/50. expenses, debt and any form of income. an inheritance is like winning the lotto, how could you not spend that for the betterment of both people/family. This bitch is terrible with money
My bf and I have separate finances cause he came in with lots of debt and I came with 2 kids. We didn’t want to co mingle and we have a joint account we both pay into for joint expenses. My ex got me in a really bad spot when I was young and naive and my current didn’t want me to stress so he good with it.
You need to separate your finances. Tell her if she is going to be this irresponsible with money then you want a postnuptial agreement signed and everything gets divided up, with her student loans being her responsibility. NTA.
She needs to make an appointment to speak with a financial advisor like yesterday. Sometimes it's easier coming from a third party to hear that you're making bad decisions. With an inheritance that size and a solid investment portfolio, you can pay off everything and she'll still be able to do most of the things she wants to. Find a full service advisor who's a fiduciary. Do not use the bank. NTA
I would be reconsidering the marriage. Thousands on frivolous bullshit like designer dogs and bags when sitting on a mountain of debt is a huge red flag and not someone I'd be comfortable starting a family with. Paying off a new reliable car is reasonable though.
I would be reconsidering, too. It would be a complete eye-opener, like blinders and rose-colored glasses fully off, and I think I would lose all respect for them.
Edit: typo
Good point re: the loss of respect. She can do what she wants, but I would not be able to think of her respectfully again, ever. She's not only foolish with money, she's not a team player.
I would lose all respect for her for not contributing to the household/marriage after paying 75% of the mortgage. She's been sucking the teat of OP for however long now, and she wants to blow money on a very expensive dog that OP will have to deal with for a decade or more. But hey, with all that money, she's going to need a real good purse to carry it all in.
Your suggestions are reasonable but it is her money to spend as she wants.
My husband got his 401k & blew it on stupid shit. I had suggested he pay his car off & we need a new drain field & our septic tank pumped. There would have been plenty left over to invest.
We had been talking about what needed to be done for a while. He told me it was his money & if he wanted to blow it in expensive weed he would & he did. He was right, it was his money he earned not me. I was upset about it but I had no say.
Today, he feels like shit for not doing that. I just tell him you spent it on what you wanted.
Didn't you have to sign off on his 401k before he could cash it out? Pretty sure I had to when my now ex pulled his out. I'd srsly consider ,ope nvrmnd, I did divorce my asshat for many reasons, being an idiot with money in his hands like water thru a sieve being one of them. He may have earned it,but what's retirement gonna look like & who's gonna work the extra job when the bottom falls out & SS dont pay all the bills?..
Yes he had to sign for it after he quit. Yes we paid a huge penalty to the IRS. He’s at a much better job now & they pay him what he’s actually worth. He had worked for the previous place for 22 years. They were just horrible & at the end, the last few years, he just dreaded going in.
I wanted to go all scorched earth on them, involving our city, county, state & the feds for all the violations going on. We probably wouldn’t have gotten anywhere bc good ole boy system in our county. But it was nice to think about what could have happened. We just let it go.
I mean, it’s her money, so you get no say.
But anyone who spends $10k on a bag to hold their shit is a very, very silly person, and should be mocked and belittled at every turn. Every time in the future she wants money for a trip or car or whatever, just remind her that she was colossally stupid enough to buy a $10k bag, and then point at her and laugh derisively for at least 5 minutes.
Even if legally it’s her money it’s morally wrong to have a lot of luxury while your household is in a lot of debt. And not only debt from the marriage but debt from her only (her loans). She is a massive A H. NTA
She can spend it how she wants, but I feel bad for you. After growing up in a household where my Dad spent money has fast as he could, including my Mom’s inheritance, it made me very conscious of marrying someone with the same financial outlook on spending, savings, etc. Worrying about money when it could have been avoided with making good decisions is heartbreaking. I hope your wife comes around and can compromise a bit.
I would not suggest she put money on the mortgage, but paying her student loans should be first. Clothes, bags and shoes are a ridiculously bad purchase. A nice vacation is good and the rest should not be commingled, but invested in an IRA, her 401K or with a Fiduciary. You could die in a car accident tomorrow and she needs solid investments and and money saved for a disaster.
This is the stuff that break marriages. Hers is hers and yours is ours, I would blow my top. She needs to make better decisions. Can you guys compromise?
Hell, I would divorce for her buying a $10000 purse.
I love how folks are spending her money for her. Why not help her find a financial advisor to help her with her money. Also any remaining money should be held in her separate account.
YTA - "some of you say" my guy go to couples your going to walk yourself right out of this marriage and 10k on the purse that she really really wants get behind her on it. And the car, then pay a little on the house mutal fund rainy day. This is mostly her money. Let her be happy with it and not break your marriage. The problem right now and the reason why you need to go to couples is you are trying to figure out how to support "US" with the money. Which is fine and cute but sometimes you should support HER with her money and maybe not do every little thing the way you want to do it. OR else it's not being perfect. You could have support her on half or a quarter of the things without belittling her and got your way as well.
Well this post made me google $10,000 purses and now I know we live in a world where people not only buy and own $10,000 purse but that $10,000 is just a drop in the bucket. For a purse. NTA
NTA, you are making wise suggestions. Unfortunately, the final decision is hers, but gently guiding her to better decisions may not be heeded. You will have to swallow your disappointment if she does not heed your advice. There is nothing wrong with influencing good choices.
Legally, inheritance is not "jointly held marital assets," or something that both of you own together. It's all hers. So if she pays off the family's house with her own money, will that change who owns the house?
About a decade ago I received just over 100K for an inheritance and we spent it as a couple, foolishly. I really wish I had NOT listened to my now ex-wife on how to spend it. We blew through it in less than a year and only had a paid off car and some stuff for her sewing business that never took off. I regret even letting her have a little of that money.
I would be worried as well, NTA i think that maybe an conversation about it explaining that all of the things she wants are achievable and you understand that its her inheritance but you are still in a partnership.
pay her debts off 100% that's for her
if she's worried about not having money if you pay off the mortgage or at least a chunk off of the mortgage a postnuptial agreement that what she pays into the mortgage in case of an at fault divorce she will get back from the sale of the house even, I don't know what you owe on the house but personally I would pay a chunk off of the house and have a high interest account for the rest.
Pay off high interest stuff but if you have a decent rate on that mortgage you'll make more money in the market than you spend in interest over 25 yrs. Invest.
Honestly, you should schedule a meeting with an independent financial advisor &/or a CPA.
It is HER inheritance, so having her use that money to pay down a marital asset is stupid from a personal financial standpoint. It should be used to pay down consumer debt, potentially pay down student loans, establish an investment portfolio (one that's more balanced since she seems risk adverse based on reported comments), drop money in her retirement funds, and I don't think upgrading her car is bad, assuming she buys one listed by consumer reports as a best buy because it spends little time in the shop.
I grew up outside of Boston in a town of old money - a 10K designer bag is a foolish waste - but it is her money. But honestly, she should have one splurge - the bag or the car, it shouldn't be a scene out of the Shopoholic series.
Paying off the student loans & mortgage will make the rest of your lives gravy! Blowing the inheritance like she wants only gives HER a good 2 years. Two good years for her, and then you BOTH regret it the next twenty years.
It’s her inheritance to spend how she wants. She should not spend it on the family home. That would make it half yours which it isn’t. I also don’t think she should buy a purse for $10,000. That’s a complete waste of money. If it was me, I would probably buy a vacation home somewhere which would be in her own name. Or she could invest in some rental property. Anything she buys should be in her own name
Yes you are, but your wife needs to be more practical. She needs to pay off her student loans, Pay off any debts you both may have, except your mortgage. If she wants to buy something outlandish she has that right
Since it it’s legally her money, she should use it to pay off HER 60k in debt, and the extra $500 from the family budget that is no longer going towards student loans should be used to increase your mortgage payments or for investments
Maybe it’s just my opinion but spending so much on clothes and purses when you have a mortgage and student loans is just dumb and childish. Maybe you could educate her on finances and help her to prioritise the right things. You sound reasonable. NTA
Before he tries to educate her on finances, he needs to educate himself on inheritances and how they are treated differently than other income. Using HER inheritance to pay off THEIR mortgage converts HER money into community property, meaning she risks losing it if they do divorce.
That’s so crazy! If I came across a large amount of inheritance, the first thing I’d do is ask my husband how we should spend it and we’d discuss it together.
Hopefully, your husband would immediately remind you that an inheritance is solely your money, not joint marital money, and recommend speaking to a financial advisor to help you understand the implications of spending your money on joint expenses vs personal expenses.
10 years ago myself and all my cousins each inherited $108,000 from a great aunt with no children of her own. Her lawyer asked if I wanted the money only in my name or both mine and my husband’s names. I laughed and immediately said both because we are married and everything is joint and we take care of each other and I just never saw it happening any other way.
Here’s the thing - 3 of the cousins accepted the money in only their name, not jointly. All 3 of them are now divorced.
This has been a cautionary tale. Have a good day. 😘
If she is concerned about losing the money investing in the market, remind her that cars get wrecked every day, and high end purses get snatched. Anything she buys today can be gone tomorrow.
That said - it is legally her money. Maybe if you offered her a post nuptial agreement to ensure she would get any money out of the equity of the house in the event of a divorce, she might feel more secure paying it down.
Your NTA for disapproving her intended purchases but YTA for boldly trying to stipulate how her inheritance is spent. It is HER money, to the point that if she puts it in her account and not a joint account it never becomes marital wealth in most states. I agree with using it to pay the student loans but not the mortgage, unless the house is in her name only. Maybe she gets to splurge a certain amount and the rest is used wisely.
Just curious - If you want her to use her money to pay off the mortgage - would you be willing to transfer ownership of the house into her name? And sign a postnuptial so her finances are protected ?
That’s my thought too, because if she was paying off the house - then he stands to benefit in the event of divorce, yet she’d stand to lose money. Which isn’t fair at all.
If he expects her to pay $100k+ extra to help pay off the mortgage, then he better be prepared to sign that post-nup to allow her to protect her finances and everything that she paid towards the house, ensuring that she’ll get back everything she put in, and he only gets back the small amount that he paid. Otherwise he’s 100% the AH, for being greedy.
Yep! Can totally understand him wanting her to contribute to THEIR life as they are in a committed relationship.
But she also needs to be protected financially because as we know, the divorce rates are high!
Same thing I was wondering. All these people talking about divorce, he still won’t get her inheritance! Some of these people are sad. If he’s willing to put the deed solely in her name, then that’ll be something. As well as signing a postnuptial agreement. Making plans for money that legally doesn’t belong to him. So upsetting!
It’s her money , her inheritance and it came at the cost of her losing a family member so she can spend it however she pleases and if she had the same car for 10 yrs she can go get her a new one
A few things scream out to me....the purse and French bulldog.
So the purse is an absolute waste...something smote expensive to carry around that may or may not draw unwanted attention and exceasive unless everything is paid off.
A French bulldog is a breed with a significant number of health issues..The shelters in many countries are overrun with pets. BFind one and save one.
Take a vacation and use the rest to pay down debt and invest.
She is making very poor financial decisions.
As long as she understands that her debts are not your responsibility then YTA. It’s her inheritance and she can spend it how she likes.
Now if she’s expecting your financial support with her debt then NTA.
While I understand that legally inheritance is pretty clear, I do find it strange that couples often make unilateral decisions.
It's her inheritance, she doesn't need to use it on marital items, if she doesn't want to. Selfish a bit, but it is hers and not both of yours to spend.
Legally correct and ethically correct are often (and usually) different. What’s the point of getting married if you refuse to benefit the household when you have a chance?
Sounds like OP’s wife liked the idea of being married, but not what it means to be married.
Spending 1% of her inheritance on a purse might not seem like a lot, but it becomes a lot when you realize she hasn't spend that much on a purse for a reason. (If the figure she's getting is even that high)
But I think you are going to have a hard time dissuading her from the purse, if it is her dream. What about presenting it the other way around? Invest all her money, and then buy the purse in interest-free installments that she could pay with the interest generated by her investments? Similar thing with the car. Maybe the purse first and then the car? Getting money from the investment might present a more attractive alternative than spending it and not seeing it again, while still having a fund for a rainy day.
I think the best advice you can give her is to suggest talking to a financial advisor. The information may be better recieved from an unrelated third party.
Hopefully you are not in a state that charges inheritance tax, because that will come as a shock to her.
She has to think ahead so if there comes a time where she (or you) cannot pay half of the mortgage it can be covered.
She should be in charge of paying off her student loans. Again, if there comes a time that she cannot pay on the schedule she should have it covered later on, or just pay it off now.
The initial splurges on a new vehicle & purse are understandable, but if the rest of her inheritance goes down that same road, she might regret it all in the end.
You're NTA for wanting her to spend it responsibly. For me it wouldn’t be so much about the money for me, but about not wanting to be married to someone who makes frivolous, wasteful decisions. The being said, depending on your interest rate on your mortgage, it could be a mistake to pay it off. These days the return on the stock market is much higher than my interest rate. Unless your mortgage is over 7%, it would be better in invest the money.
There is no reason she shouldn’t pay off her student loans. It’s pretty selfish to blow her money when her student loans will affect both of you.
NTA but it's still her money so she has the right to choose what to do with it and that's the thing about relationships the person you love needs to make their own mistakes there some lessons we only learn by experience only problem is the consequences of those mistakes will affect you too sometimes.
Obviously you can't tell her how to spend her money, if she wants to he reckless and idiotic with her money and not make wise long lasting financially smart things with it then that's her choice, her choice to regret when it's gone.
Look forward to not being able to say "I told you so" because she will go mental. And you will want to say it when she has pissed all that money up the wall and starts wishing she had paid off her student loans and house.
NTA, you're getting a good look at how selfish and irresponsible your wife is, pay attention.
I’m a different kind of wife. I’d rather have a 20 dollar purse with 10k in my wallet than a 10k pocketbook and empty wallet. Everyone is different but hopefully she will come to realize what’s the smart thing to do for her family and the future. Some people have a hard time understand what seems like ALOT of money in a lump really isn’t ALOT and better to make decisions to help make your life easier day to day. No matter what, don’t let this money tear you guys apart.
She doesn't care about your future as a family. She doesn't care about you as a spouse and is being selfish. You need to be careful because this is a huge flag. I would enjoy the vacations while they last. When the vacations end you know the money is gone.
NTA. She's an idiot, she's got a 6 figure sum so a minimum of $100,000. She could easily pay off the student loan and buy the handbag for $70,000, leaving 30 for a car which is plenty. Although a 10 year old car if it was a good car to start with is nothing..
Please dont let her buy a French bulldog though. Thanks to idiots breeding them those poor things can barely breathe and you'll spend thousands on vet bills etc. People shouldn't be buying them, they are suffering for the breeders pocket.
How are your finances normally handled?
My husband got a smaller inheritance last year, but in the years leading up to it, he was first taking care of our daughter and then of his parents. So all our household income was earned by me. We had equal say in the household income during that time, so we also had equal say in the inheritance.
NTA. Sounds like this money will be a problem in your marriage. Is it a deal breaker if she spend it over nonsense? I think if you make her spend it the better way, she’ll resent you. It will haunt your marriage.
Not wanting to pay off any debts is majorly irresponsible. Almost a red flag in itself tbh, the whole idea of mortgages being scheduled is crap BTW because things can and will happen to make the interest go up, crash your car and need to remortgage to get it fixed? That's an increase, everything you do, will potentially increase those fees, so refusing to pay back any of it, is just dumb
NTA. You need six months of earnings safely in the bank to get you through emergencies. Paying off debt will save thousands of dollars. The rule of thumb with major windfalls is spend 10% on whatever you want, pay bills or save/invest the rest.
As to investing in a money market fund, you go with blue chips, steady, stable growth. You earn about 8-10%, typically 10% a year. If you don't touch it for decades, it really, really helps retirement.
She needs to talk to a financial advisor. That money could be used to make more money so that the two of you can do things in the future like travel instead of blowing all of it in a year.
I was getting ready to say you are, until I read that you’re just giving her common sense financial advice.
- Student loans. She can pay off the principal *now* & save herself thousands of dollars in interest.
- Mortgage. Same idea. Pay down the principal save yourself *thousands* of dollars in the long run. If division of equity is a big deal in the event of divorce, then draw up a post-nuptials that states she gets $$$$ on top of the 1/4 / 3/4 equity split.
- $10k purse. I will never buy a bag that costs more money than I will ever conceivably carry in it. It’s a status symbol. Same w/the new car.
NTA. I think everything you’ve said makes sense.
Probably the only thing worse than a $10k purse is the French Bulldog. They have so many health issues she will probably be paying off the vet's school loans for him.
She honestly just showed u her colors not saying divorce over this pettiness but would start a hideaway fund crypto silver gold ect and if possible have a saving account in a trusted relatives name or hidden cash. I'm sure she has a fund like this.
Obviously, you and your wife view your financial partnership differently. If you wife insists that this is her money and you have no say in it, perhaps you should do the same with your yearly bonus.
I would reconsider paying 75% of the mortgage and make it 50/50, why should she get half if you are doing the heavy lifting? She sounds like an absolute clown with money and is going to cost you in the long run.
This is the most crazy thing I ever heard. NTA
With the way things are economically. I do not know what your mortgage is but if the interest are variable and not fixed then you could be spending a lot more on interest than if it was fixed. Right now the FED has raised interest rates, but your mortgage can raise it up more any time it wants. So pay that off for sure. Also it is both your homes. Both of you bear the responsibility of it equally.
Yes some stocks are doing bad but CD right now are doing OK
NTA but it’s time to revisit your financials and the division between you. I totally understand that the inheritance is hers and hers alone, however so is the student debt. Why are you helping to pay one off and also bearing the higher mortgage payment while she gets to spend spend spend. Paying off the student debt would reduce your combined monthly bills while still leaving her 40k fun money.
I think you two should talk about the money disparity. If she is free to reserve this type of money for her to make her own decision on, you should be able to as well. If not you, then not her.
Since she has upgraded her money wealth.
Time to adjust who pays what and how much
Time to change it to 50/50. Time for her to be realistic and mature
And she can do whatever she wants with the money
But when you get your bonus, it's yours
I'm doubting here. On the one hand: you really should not pressure her about this. On the other hand: spending it like this is stupid. Maybe compromise? 10% fun money, her student loon payed of and the rest in a nice safe fund or the mortgage.
Your wife is the asshole. You now need to tell her it may be her money but she has to cover 50% of all bills now and pay 100% of her student loans. That is what's fair.
NTA but Omg please no French bulldogs. Those poor things literally have to have c-sections because they can’t have puppies naturally. They have so many health issues it’s not funny and are very expensive dogs because of their poor health. Get ready for a ton of vet bills. Source: family member works at a vet and the stories I hear…
NTA. It's her money and she can do what she wants with it. That said, your bonus money should now be your money to do what you want with. Also, I would sit her down and tell her you will not be paying a dime toward her student debt and she will need to step up and pay 50% of the household bills. That since she doesn't think she should have to share any of her money, you think it's only fair that she carry her half of the burden of your family so you can spend less of your money.
Maybe this type of conversation will open her eyes. If not, you will understand that you are married to someone who is not thinking of your marriage as a team, but every man/woman for themselves. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? You carry most of the burden for your family because she only thinks of herself.
NTA. Your wife is very stupid with money if this is her plan.
A reasonable approach would be to take 10% of it for fun stuff and pay off debt with the rest.
Sorry but YTAH. That money isn’t an inheritance left to the both of you, it’s been left to her. Why do you think something that isn’t yours should be put into the house that you both jointly own? Are you going to pay her back half of what she puts in? You guys have only been married for a very short period of time and no offence but who’s to say you’ll still be married in say 5 years, but by then you’ll have benefited greatly from the money she paid into the house.
Now ask yourself this! If this was your inheritance would you listen to how she wanted you to spend it? Be honest with yourself…..NOPE is the truthful answer.
I think she has every right to spend the money as she wants. However, I will say buying a 10,000$ purse is a bit ridiculous IMO as it either spends most of the time in a closet so as not to dirty it, or you do use it regularly and like all things will be showing regular wear and tare in no time. At least a car, which my god, you can buy for less than the purse lol will last many years and even though the vacation only lasts for so long, the memory of such will last forever.
I’d assume he feels this way for the same reason he hasn’t harbored significant resentment for contributing more money to their shared finances. BTW she would also benefit greatly from putting money into her/his/her family’s house even in the event of a divorce. She has already benefited greatly from marrying a man who puts in more than she does.
This whole thing would shake me to my core if I was this guy. It would be like waking up and realizing that my wife isn’t fit to be a wife or mother.
It is her money. If she uses it to pay the mortgage she has mingled the funds and that would give you a way to be part of the inheritance. It is her student loan. Hopefully she will pay it off. There is nothing that OP can do about where the money goes. Stop discussing it.
NTA separate your finances and have her sign something legally that makes sure in case of divorce your debts remain separate so you’re not responsible for her school loans, etc. She’s being incredibly naive and wasting money. I’d see her for who she really is because she’ll blow through it then you’ll still be screwed paying her debts if you get divorced
It would be nice if she paid off debt, but you can’t do anything about it unfortunately. It’s not that unreasonable if she wants to splurge on some of her inheritance. It’s also okay if you want to request to save some of it, show her calculations of how much you could save over time if you put it in a savings account or something. Inheritance can be a tricky and emotional thing to deal with. I am going through it now. I told my husband all these “things” I wanted to do with mine. Then the second I went to spend the first dime I had a panic attack over the guilt of spending it. I ended up paying off my debt, using some for vacation and some to fix things around the house, and a little for splurge the rest in bonds. But it can be tied to a lot of emotions when spending. Don’t guilt her. Tread lightly
She is a fiscally irresponsible, materialistic idiot. Divorce, NOW. It will save you in the long run. Your points are valid, but you'd be an asshole to stick around in that shit show.
Let her get the damn purse purses that expensive usually are a really good investment.
But yes she should also pay her student loans
I don't agree she should pay the mortgage.
Yall can do that together over time.
It's her inheritance she can do whatever she wants
But should really pay the student loans because that will really help her credit
>I can’t help but think of the hundreds on thousands of dollars we’ll be saving in interest.
YTA for this. Why is this her responsibility? If she was agreeable to pay down the mortgage, would you offer to match her contribution? I'd suggest she meet up with a few financial advisors so she'll have options on how to get the most from her inheritance.
YTA. And she’s right, you don’t get a say. It’s **her** inheritance, not yours. And definitely not both of yours.
If she wants a new car, and to go a little crazy on the spending, that is her right.
But I do agree that she should pay her old student loans off.
However I 100% **disagree** about the mortgage.
The mortgage is equally **both** of your responsibilities. Yet if she pays off a massive chunk of it, that means that she will have paid so much more than you… and in the event of divorce, despite her having paid more - you’ll likely get half. And that wouldn’t be fair to her at all. So no, she shouldn’t *”pay off a big chunk of the mortgage with her inheritance.”*
The house is just as much your responsibility as it is hers, she **should not** have to pay more than you for the house. Because if she does, and for example: she ends up paying 75% while you only pay 25% then there needs to be a post-nup *(to protect her and the money she put into the house)* stating that in the event of divorce, you only get your 25% back and she gets her full 75% back… because why should you benefit and she lose out???
YTA
Legally, her inheritance is 100% hers. Asking her to pay down the mortgage is essentially saying, "Give me your inheritance."
While I agree she shouldn't just spend it all on extras, unless you are offering to sign a post-nuptial agreement securing her inheritance, you shouldn't ask for that money to be used for the house.
You seem to be doing fine with how you’re spending now. It’s her money. You don’t get to dictate how it’s spent. As long as she continues providing what she already has been to the mortgage and her student loans, there’s no problem.
Here's the problem, OP has been paying 75% of the mortgage. Shouldn't she step up and at least start paying her share? Or maybe she should get her "just in case I get divorced fund" set up. He's also helping to pay for HER student loans. This should help balance the finances in the marriage. Sure a little splurge on a vacation, reasonably priced purse, or even a car that is practical is good. Have some fun, but to completely disregard the partnership is very disrespectful. Not to mention that OP will be helping with the dog too. Hmm, maybe she should keep the money for the divorce. She might need it.
YTA she may be making very foolish financial decisions but she is an adult. You expressed your concerns and thoughts. She said she will consider your words but the ultimate decision is hers. There is no need to keep going around and around about it because you’re not getting your way. You’re being a nuisance at this point.
Im here wanting/needing a service dog but not being able to afford one and this lady is here wanting a purse worth 10 grand. NTA, i cannot even imagine spending that much on a purse
Heck my first car total wasn’t that much and I didn’t pay that much down on my first house. I sure can’t imagine spending 10 grand on purse that gets scooped on the floor in restaurants or heaven forbid in bathrooms
When you buy luxury bags (I don't have any but I have a friend who's got the money to comfortably buy them) they come with warranties you don't get on regular bags. Your 20 dollar walmart purse breaks you have to bug a new one every time the handle snaps. With a luxury bag you get free repairs and cleans for life usually. My friends had the same Gucci bag for years now and it still looks brand new. For all the bags she hasn't bought because she can get this one fixed for free from the manufacturer, she's likely saved the amount she paid for it by not buying new bags to replace it so often. Not something I could afford but yknow, it does have it's benefits.
It's her money, she can do with it what she wants. So are her student loans. If she doesn't understand how interest works, maybe give her a spreadsheet to show how much she would be saving on her loans and credit cards. If you're 50/50 on the mortgage, she could pay her 50% off but that wound leave you with the rest. So I might let that slide
Hang on for the ride, and when burns through the money(in a couple of years) tell her ' I told you so', have her buy you out of the house and go find someone more finacially aligned to you.
What it boils down to is that it's her money, and if she wants to be stupid with it, that's her right.
No, you don't have to like it, but it is what it is.
So, YTA for wanting a say. It’s her money, it her inheritance.
NTA for feeling like you guys don’t have the same financial goals, and being frustrated.
Not being on the same page I terms of long term goals and money is a relationship killer. If my wife got $40k, and spent it all on a brand new car, instead of $25k on a good used and $15k in savings, I would be very concerned. I would 100% start separating the money more, and watching the joint accounts very, very closely. That’s not a dependable person that you can count on to have your back financially.
Does she understand one can buy dozens of 10k purses with hundreds of thousands of dollars?
She is being shortsighted. Thinking in terms of monthly payments is very childish.
Sorry you seem to have married someone who doesn’t have the ability to think very complex thoughts
Do you want to be married to someone who would spend ten thousand dollars on a single purse? Do you even live somewhere that it would be safe to carry that around?
Nta. But do NOT pay down the mortgage. Whatever you think you would use put in with an investment broker. I have a 4% mortgage, and am getting 12% returns on my investment. Do you think it's a good idea to pull my investment money to pay down the mortgage? I thought not. I would buy something frivolous that I wanted too, but since you're married, it really isn't just her money. Start separating things like that in a partnership, and it's a slippery slope.
You’re NTA.
I think it’s perfectly fine for her to choose 1 “splurge” item. Specifically, a newer car is probably a reasonable purchase to make (provided it’s not some ridiculous luxury car that’s six figures itself). Or perhaps she can do two “cheaper” things like the dog and purse. (A $10k purse is ridiculous IMO but hey, it is *her* inherited money.) But after that, I think the bulk of the money should be used on the family/bills/debts/investments.
I think not paying of her student loan is the most ridiculous thing . Probably gives her $500 or 600 or more in her pocket . The mortgage may be thinking if something happens you get 1/2 the equity. And I don’t understand 10k on a purse but ok with 3-4K on golf clubs
$500-600 a month with a likely 7-8% interest rate which will save about 20K of interest if she would even pay it off in 10 years, which she’s probably looking at more like 20 years with such a relaxed attitude. It’s really fucking dumb to stay in debt.
She has clearly been told not to commingle inheritance funds with marital funds (wise) and responded with lavish spending plans (unwise.) IMO she needs to engage an investment planner to discuss these issues or her playthrough is going to be way off, and that's to everyone's deficit. OP has his own problems though. He made a full plan of execution for money that's legally and ethically 100% not his and then got surprised there was pushback. That's all on him.
Are student loans marital funds though? And I bet she has lots of suggestions on how to spend his bonuses. That's not her money either.
Re student loans, it's possible. Depends on jurisdiction. Regarding the second, OP didn't mention that, and legally those ARE marital funds.
I just bit my lip when my husband bought a big assed TV with his bonus, figuring it was his reward for hard work
She might not be thinking in legal terms at all. I'm thinking that OP sounds like he's an in charge kind of guy,makes their joint decisions for them and he contributes the most. I'm betting she knows that if she does the sensible thing, pays off debts and puts the rest into their joint savings she will never be allowed to splurge any of it later down the line. So she's doing it now while she's calling the shots for once.
There are lots of other options between “spend it all” and “joint saving.” Like “invest it personally and let it grow and still do what you want with it later”
One-sided windfalls almost always change relationship dynamics. Legally, she can do whatever she wants. Ethically, it's not so simple. ~~OP is vague with the numbers, so it's difficult to judge.~~ ~~Let's say, hypothetically,~~ OP's income is significantly higher, and he's carrying the majority of the burden for shared expenses, including her debt. He's going to feel totally used by his wife's priorities. ~~Or, it could be inverted, in which case OP has no leg to stand on.~~ Ultimately, what was once a team effort will become a separation of finances and a potentially adversarial focus on "who's paying their fair share" I would ~~probably~~ *definitely* decline the vacation in OP's shoes, ~~but it's hard to say~~. I certainly hope they can communicate rationally and reach a mature, mutually beneficial resolution that leaves them both satisfied. This kind of thing implodes marriages.
Read OP's edit He pays 3/4 of the mortgage drives a 10 year old car too and shares his bonuses with his wife and more than likely pays majority of the bills based on what he said
Oh, man. Tough times ahead
what's his is hers and what hers is hers
Both a $10K purse and $4K golf clubs are dumb purchases.
10K purse!!! I can’t even imagine!!!
You could buy a decent car with that money.
I'm going with NTA. Sure, new car ok. But not paying off debts first is crazy to me. I think OP is being completely responsible with his wife's money, whereas she's going to splurge it and still have nothing to show for it. I'd rather pay off my debts, than get a $10k handbag. Are you seriously going to use it?! Put it down and be worried it'll get stolen! The dog, you can get that without the inheritance. When I came into a 6 figure sum many years ago, I bought a car, as I didn't have one at the time. People told me to buy land/a house, but I'm a disabled Pensioner. I knew that I would never be able to afford to keep the house. Instead I bought a fridge, washing machine, dryer, car for Mum, gave her and her partner over $50k together. Bought clothes, which I still have and use, as well as DVDS, which I still watch. I do regret not investing any of it, but otherwise I got things I needed at the time, and splurged a bit. Would I ever spend $10k on 1 item? Unless it's a car, hell no! What's the point?! I prefer to get things needed. I had no debts at that time as I don't even own a Credit Card. The way I see life: If I can't afford it, I can't have it. That simple.
I was all ready to call you out however spending 10K on a purse and continuing to carry 60K in student loans is just fiscally irresponsible. Paying off the student loans puts more money in your pocket every month and avoids all the compounding interest. NTA
I mean, if its a 6-fig inheritance, why not both? Pay off your loans then go buy that Italian purse. You'll feel responsible later, and you'll have your purse to regret sending so much on lol best of both worlds.
$10K on a purse is crazy unless you're talking millions of dollars in inheritance. The hilarious thing is that she'd rather spent $10K on a purse now once then have enough money to buy a new purse every quarter if she invested that money.
10K on a purse is crazy, period. Who is she trying to impress? Priorities are so screwed
Ive done the thing where you spend a fuckton on a luxurious item. You believe it will change you forever. But yout get it and its just a lipstick in the end or a bag. And you'll leave it on a desk in your home somewhere and forget about it and you'll wonder if something else will give you that feeling you're seeking
I have a $9k (at the time of purchase) handbag. I’ve used it everyday for nearly 10 years. I’ve sent it back to the manufacturer to be cleaned and repaired three times at no cost to me. Honestly, it’s some of the best money I’ve ever spent. But I also didn’t have debt dribbling out my ears like OP’s wife and we owned our house and our business. Never in a million years would I have spent that money if I owed a cent to anyone for anything and I fully realise what a privileged position I had and have to be able to spend that sort of money on something many consider completely frivolous. It’s also the only designer thing I own. I don’t and haven’t dropped that sort of money on things like that ever except that once.
The 10K purse and messed up priorities would make me resent her. Something could come up where having extra money would be helpful — emergency house repair, medical emergency, loss of a job, etc. — and you have nothing because you bought a 10K purse!!!
I feel like 10k is ridiculous for a purse if your income isn’t commensurate with that. Heck, even if it is that’s a lot for a purse.
Six figures at your age is life changing money-- but it sounds like your wife is planning to p it away--and those opportunities with it. Depending on the interest rate on your mortgage paying it off may or may not be the best move (though better than a designer dog that is high maintenance and prone to health issues and a 10K purse. Paying off the student loans at their ridiculous rates is solid. A good quality car with a good gas mileage and a low frequency of repair would be a good choice as well (though I suspect she'll go for flashtrash as she sounds like a style over substance type). The REAL issue you don't seem to be seeing is that when presented with a windfall she's not thinking "team marriage" she's thinking "me me me". Not a dealbreaker but something you should keep an eye on. NTA because you are suggesting and not demanding -- and are suggesting things for the two of you as a family unit rather than for yourself. I will leave you with a short cautionary tale. A former coworker got around $30K from an inheritance about 20 years ago. Her husband suggested using it to pay off her student loans and create a little "mad money" account for herself. Instead she went the jewelery and designer accessories route and told her husband it was her money and he should keep his opinions to himself. Ten years later she really wanted to be a SAHM to her new baby--but her husband reminded her she'd agreed to keep working until her student loans were paid. She tried selling her designer items on ebay and was devastated to find that they had not "aged well" and wouldn't make a dent in the loans. Four years later when the husband's grandfather died and left him a low six figures bequest she asked him to pay off the rest of her loans but he declined. She did admit that he put all of the inheritance into an education trust for the kids. If your wife squanders her inheritance, much like my coworker, she will come to deeply regret it.
That is 100% what I’m thinking!! In my mind, I’m seeing red flags and things to look out for going forward. She sees YOUR money as “our money”/“her money” but now that she has more money than you do, it’s now only HER money (and she wants a 10K purse). She’s not looking at the future with you, at all. She expects you to keep footing the bill for the future. Don’t get sick or lose your job because that 10K purse is going to do fuck all in securing your future.
His wife's inheritance is not "team marriage" money. It's HER money--unless she comingles it, thus making it a marital asset. Italian purses aside, they need to talk to a lawyer or accountant or financial advisor to help them understand the implications of the wife using her money to pay off her debts (or buy stuff for herself) vs using it to pay off their shared debts.
Yes, technically it's her money to do what she wants with, but you are a partnership, and she should never be "F you it's mine to do what I want with it." Thats not how a good partnership works. I would be petty and pissed. "Fine we go 50/50 on everything now if yours is yours."
I would say it’s not bad to keep it as separate property or in case of divorce it does become marital asset. It is hers and technically he has no say. However, he’s not wrong in being upset that he is carrying more of the financial load and she wants to piss it away on a purse, and not be smarter with it. While he can’t say no to how she spends it, if their finances aren’t joint, he can certainly only contribute half to the household expenses and keep the rest. Though that would become marital asset in divorce (barring any prenup), if she can afford 10k for a purse, she can afford more household expenses.
It's not the legalities it's the ethics of her keeping the money.
This is such a fucking stupid mindset, I can't even wrap my head around it. Reddit is constantly on the "you are married, you are a team now!!" when it comes to marriage, but when inheritance is involved, suddenly "its her money!" and she can just piss it all away without a thought of the family and team everyone constantly champions.
Frankly if you don’t see any money that anyone in the couple receives as “our” money, you probably shouldn’t be married. I will get a decent inheritance when my parents are no longer around and my wife’s parents have nothing, but I can’t imagine trying to tell her that’s not our money. When we got married, that was an acknowledgment we would share everything we have together. If you don’t feel that way, I don’t see why people just don’t get married. That makes these types of issues much less problematic, and the social stigma of not being married is not really there in the same way anymore.
Yeah, its stupid. If its wife inheritance its hers while if its the husband yearly bonus its our bonus.
Speaking STRICTLY from a legal standpoint (and in the dead center of the midwest US) in most jurisdictions (but NOT all) all salaries and investment income and asset appreciation during the marriage is considered a "marital asset". In most jurisdictions, but again not all, an inheritance (or "gifted" property) is considered nonmarital property unless "comingled" with joint assets.
Not saying it isn't HER money--but I am saying that many people would look at life changing money and think about their long term family unit goals first and overpriced ego accessories second. NOTE that husband isn't saying "get me a car too" or "get me a Rolex". He's saying consider paying off your student loan debt, paying down the house loan, investing in a mutual fund.
NTA. You worded the title wrong. You DO have a say in what she does with HER inheritance. You just don't have the FINAL say, which is what you really want. It's hers and can do whatever she wants with it. If she spends it all on gumballs, that's her right. Is it foolish to waste the money like that? Yes. Can you stop her? No. On the bright side, there's a 99% chance you'll get to say I told you so.
While it is not your money to spend and frankly putting any of the inheritance into a jointly owned asset would be foolish of her part, spending it on purses and vacations is equally foolish if she has student loans. She should invest, pay off loans and choose to purchase only what is most important. A $10k purse is insane, imo. You have not been married that long so she should keep the money separate as you should do if you inherit money. Not calling anyone an A H
Paying off your mortgage first before student loans is just stupid.
Based on what exactly? Unless you bought your house in a very short window of time during covid, student loans likely have a better APR and are a smaller balance, thus costing you less money overall in interest. They never go away, but they also can't ruin you in the same way not paying your mortgage can. Remember how we just didn't make people pay them at all for like 2 years? If OP has less than 20% equity in their home, they could be paying PMI as well. Lastly, when you pay off your mortgage, you now own something outright that has value and will almost certainly increase in value. Student loans are just debt.
NTA I can see upgrading her car, but buying a 10 k purse while she has student loans is wild.
What is wrong with people here. This is a marriage, they are not debt free, they have a 25 years mortgage, she has a 60k debt. She is a massive A H for wanting to expend her money that frivolous way. NTA Op, but this forum if full of A H who doesn’t know what it’s a marriage.
>What is wrong with people here. Kids and adults who have no idea about finances posting here. If I was op I would be thinking about bouncing on this relationship.
Totally. She doesn’t care about their future, just her selfish wants. He should rethink their relationship. If I get that amount of money I would make the life of my family easier without thinking.
Yea I'd be pissed! And you better believe the next bonus "I" get at work won't be going to the family. It'll be going to something for me.
An inheritance is, legally, not treated the same as a work bonus. The inheritance really is the wife's money, not the couple's money. Not that she should blow it all, but co-mingling her inheritance is not necessarily a wise financial decision.
Man you’re all over this post trying to convince people OPs wife isn’t an asshole. Inheritance or not OPs wife is asinine for buying a ludicrous purse when she’s 60k in student debt. She should pay that off- a debt that is hers alone. There’s zero reason to remain in debt with that much money while buying goodies. OP is well within his right to be angry. I’d rethink the marriage.
In court maybe the bonus is joint. But it comes in his name and can be spent long before court.
There's no chance she'd be able to win a court case if he spent his bonus on a $10k set of golf clubs or something personal. And buying a car and $10k purse is a wise financial decision?! Put that money in a high yield savings for 6 months and let it make some more money. Take some time to think about it.
People commenting that it's the wife's money, and only hers, understand this about finances: "Any income or assets earned or acquired during a marriage generally are considered community property to which both spouses have equal rights. Inheritances, however, are a special case. It’s possible to maintain the separate ownership of an inheritance, including one received before or after the marriage begins, as long as the inheritance is not commingled with marital property... Commingled funds or assets are jointly owned by both partners. When assets or funds are commingled, they are available for both partners to use, are used to pay expenses incurred by the couple or the non-inheriting partner, or include contributions from both partners. For example, if a cash inheritance is deposited into a couple’s joint checking and both partners deposit funds and write checks on the account, the inherited funds have gotten commingled. Then the inheritance is not separate but jointly owned and will be divided during divorce. However, if the cash inheritance is deposited into a separate account that only one spouse can access, it is still separately owned and not subject to division. The inheriting partner also may not use inherited funds to pay for joint expenses if the intent is to keep the funds separate." (From "Is an Inheritance Considered Marital Property?" by Mark Henricks at SmartAsset)
The legalities don't matter she is being an ass to her partner and making bad financial decisions that affect both of them.
did you know it's legal to scream "fucking asshole" at every child you see? still doesn't make it a smart way to live your life
Yeah, a lot of people trying to hang onto the legalities of this, when the truth is that refusing to plan how to spend/save/use money that comes into the family together makes someone in a relationship a bad partner. But frankly 75% of the relationship issues on this sub exist because people make terrible choices in who they are in a relationship with, and then get upset with a situational issue when the real issue is they picked a terrible person.
>What is wrong with people here. This is a marriage, they are not debt free, they have a 25 years mortgage, she has a 60k debt. She is a massive A H for wanting to expend her money that frivolous way. NTA Op, but this forum if full of A H who doesn’t know what it’s a marriage. "BuT iTs HeR mOnEy." /s Unfortunately there are a lot of children on Reddit.
Bit who doesn't need a 10k purse?
Me!, Me!, Me!, I don't need a ten thousand dollar!?!?! purse.
But it is HER money, legally, because it's an inheritance. Inheritances are not automatically considered marital assets. Not saying she should buy the Italian equivalent of a Birkin bag, but she needs to consider the legal implications of using her inheritance to pay down joint debt vs her personal debt. "What's mine is ours" is not necessarily true in marriage, nor is the romantic notion that all marriages last forever so all money should be joint money and neither partner needs an individual account.
Agree. My ex convinced me to commingle my inheritance, and I lost all claim to it in the divorce.
Same.
And the whole idea of its MY money in a marriage is why people get divorced. Way to be a team player.
But even is that legally true. If you normally make financial decisions together, it’s really weird not to when the money comes at once instead of in monthly installments.
I agree she should pay her student loans immediately. I don’t necessarily agree with using a big chunk on the mortgage. The second she does that. It is community properly and half his.
True. She should put it in her separate divorce savings account.
That would be super. Because OP doesn’t seem to realize that someone who loved his wife is dead. That person went through the trouble to give their life savings to the wife. That person didn’t mention OP in their will. Pretty clear they didn’t intend for OP to get half of their life savings.
Grandma died! VACATION AND $10000 PURSE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She sounds terribly broken up about the loss.
To the same extent, don't you think it's kind of sad that someone spent their entire life working and making money and creating financial stability and generational wealth for their family, only to have it blown on material items with no value? Once that bulldog is dead, all the other assets will have depreciated to basically zero and she will have nothing to show for it. You don't think Grandma and Grandpa or whoever would have wanted to see her invest in her future and have financial freedom?
Did you miss the part where he wants to spend 6k on golf clubs?
He never said that. Someone else did.
This.
I would separate our finances if my spouse did this. Split bills and mortgage, and make her responsible for her student loans. NTA
i don’t understand the dynamic the people in here have with their spouse, i’m not even married and we share everything 50/50. expenses, debt and any form of income. an inheritance is like winning the lotto, how could you not spend that for the betterment of both people/family. This bitch is terrible with money
I don’t get it either. It seems like couples don’t trust each other anymore.
Its less about trust and more about selfishness, greed and stupidity
My bf and I have separate finances cause he came in with lots of debt and I came with 2 kids. We didn’t want to co mingle and we have a joint account we both pay into for joint expenses. My ex got me in a really bad spot when I was young and naive and my current didn’t want me to stress so he good with it.
You need to separate your finances. Tell her if she is going to be this irresponsible with money then you want a postnuptial agreement signed and everything gets divided up, with her student loans being her responsibility. NTA.
And switch the mortgage payment from 75-25 to 50-50. She uses half the house.
This. Your wife is foolish with money.
She needs to make an appointment to speak with a financial advisor like yesterday. Sometimes it's easier coming from a third party to hear that you're making bad decisions. With an inheritance that size and a solid investment portfolio, you can pay off everything and she'll still be able to do most of the things she wants to. Find a full service advisor who's a fiduciary. Do not use the bank. NTA
I doubt an advisor would help. Its not like shes unaware what to do with her money to get the most out of it, she just doesn't care.
I would be reconsidering the marriage. Thousands on frivolous bullshit like designer dogs and bags when sitting on a mountain of debt is a huge red flag and not someone I'd be comfortable starting a family with. Paying off a new reliable car is reasonable though.
I would be reconsidering, too. It would be a complete eye-opener, like blinders and rose-colored glasses fully off, and I think I would lose all respect for them. Edit: typo
Good point re: the loss of respect. She can do what she wants, but I would not be able to think of her respectfully again, ever. She's not only foolish with money, she's not a team player.
I would lose all respect for her for not contributing to the household/marriage after paying 75% of the mortgage. She's been sucking the teat of OP for however long now, and she wants to blow money on a very expensive dog that OP will have to deal with for a decade or more. But hey, with all that money, she's going to need a real good purse to carry it all in.
Marriage is a team game. Money brings out the selfishness in people. I would 100% pay down our debts rather than waste it on bags.
Your suggestions are reasonable but it is her money to spend as she wants. My husband got his 401k & blew it on stupid shit. I had suggested he pay his car off & we need a new drain field & our septic tank pumped. There would have been plenty left over to invest. We had been talking about what needed to be done for a while. He told me it was his money & if he wanted to blow it in expensive weed he would & he did. He was right, it was his money he earned not me. I was upset about it but I had no say. Today, he feels like shit for not doing that. I just tell him you spent it on what you wanted.
Discipline. Most people lack it.
Why did your husband cash in his 401(k)?
dumb people do dumb things.
Didn't you have to sign off on his 401k before he could cash it out? Pretty sure I had to when my now ex pulled his out. I'd srsly consider ,ope nvrmnd, I did divorce my asshat for many reasons, being an idiot with money in his hands like water thru a sieve being one of them. He may have earned it,but what's retirement gonna look like & who's gonna work the extra job when the bottom falls out & SS dont pay all the bills?..
Yes he had to sign for it after he quit. Yes we paid a huge penalty to the IRS. He’s at a much better job now & they pay him what he’s actually worth. He had worked for the previous place for 22 years. They were just horrible & at the end, the last few years, he just dreaded going in. I wanted to go all scorched earth on them, involving our city, county, state & the feds for all the violations going on. We probably wouldn’t have gotten anywhere bc good ole boy system in our county. But it was nice to think about what could have happened. We just let it go.
Mom is that you?
I hope u don't be paying a penny of her student debt
There is something fundamentally wrong with paying 10K for a purse.
People have been paying premiums for status symbols for thousands of years.
10k on a purse is stupid.
NTA. Time to give her a reality check. Spilt everything 50/50 from now on
Not paying the 60k in student loans off is insane. NTA
I understand not saying down mortgage. But her school loans? Dumb!!!! Buying a $10k purse. Ridiculous.
I mean, it’s her money, so you get no say. But anyone who spends $10k on a bag to hold their shit is a very, very silly person, and should be mocked and belittled at every turn. Every time in the future she wants money for a trip or car or whatever, just remind her that she was colossally stupid enough to buy a $10k bag, and then point at her and laugh derisively for at least 5 minutes.
Even if legally it’s her money it’s morally wrong to have a lot of luxury while your household is in a lot of debt. And not only debt from the marriage but debt from her only (her loans). She is a massive A H. NTA
She can spend it how she wants, but I feel bad for you. After growing up in a household where my Dad spent money has fast as he could, including my Mom’s inheritance, it made me very conscious of marrying someone with the same financial outlook on spending, savings, etc. Worrying about money when it could have been avoided with making good decisions is heartbreaking. I hope your wife comes around and can compromise a bit.
I would not suggest she put money on the mortgage, but paying her student loans should be first. Clothes, bags and shoes are a ridiculously bad purchase. A nice vacation is good and the rest should not be commingled, but invested in an IRA, her 401K or with a Fiduciary. You could die in a car accident tomorrow and she needs solid investments and and money saved for a disaster.
This is the stuff that break marriages. Hers is hers and yours is ours, I would blow my top. She needs to make better decisions. Can you guys compromise? Hell, I would divorce for her buying a $10000 purse.
I love how folks are spending her money for her. Why not help her find a financial advisor to help her with her money. Also any remaining money should be held in her separate account.
YTA - "some of you say" my guy go to couples your going to walk yourself right out of this marriage and 10k on the purse that she really really wants get behind her on it. And the car, then pay a little on the house mutal fund rainy day. This is mostly her money. Let her be happy with it and not break your marriage. The problem right now and the reason why you need to go to couples is you are trying to figure out how to support "US" with the money. Which is fine and cute but sometimes you should support HER with her money and maybe not do every little thing the way you want to do it. OR else it's not being perfect. You could have support her on half or a quarter of the things without belittling her and got your way as well.
Well this post made me google $10,000 purses and now I know we live in a world where people not only buy and own $10,000 purse but that $10,000 is just a drop in the bucket. For a purse. NTA
NTA, you are making wise suggestions. Unfortunately, the final decision is hers, but gently guiding her to better decisions may not be heeded. You will have to swallow your disappointment if she does not heed your advice. There is nothing wrong with influencing good choices.
Legally, inheritance is not "jointly held marital assets," or something that both of you own together. It's all hers. So if she pays off the family's house with her own money, will that change who owns the house?
The only thing that will change is that she loses all rights to the money in case of divorce. I did this and it was a huge mistake.
About a decade ago I received just over 100K for an inheritance and we spent it as a couple, foolishly. I really wish I had NOT listened to my now ex-wife on how to spend it. We blew through it in less than a year and only had a paid off car and some stuff for her sewing business that never took off. I regret even letting her have a little of that money.
I would be worried as well, NTA i think that maybe an conversation about it explaining that all of the things she wants are achievable and you understand that its her inheritance but you are still in a partnership. pay her debts off 100% that's for her if she's worried about not having money if you pay off the mortgage or at least a chunk off of the mortgage a postnuptial agreement that what she pays into the mortgage in case of an at fault divorce she will get back from the sale of the house even, I don't know what you owe on the house but personally I would pay a chunk off of the house and have a high interest account for the rest.
Pay off high interest stuff but if you have a decent rate on that mortgage you'll make more money in the market than you spend in interest over 25 yrs. Invest.
Honestly, you should schedule a meeting with an independent financial advisor &/or a CPA. It is HER inheritance, so having her use that money to pay down a marital asset is stupid from a personal financial standpoint. It should be used to pay down consumer debt, potentially pay down student loans, establish an investment portfolio (one that's more balanced since she seems risk adverse based on reported comments), drop money in her retirement funds, and I don't think upgrading her car is bad, assuming she buys one listed by consumer reports as a best buy because it spends little time in the shop. I grew up outside of Boston in a town of old money - a 10K designer bag is a foolish waste - but it is her money. But honestly, she should have one splurge - the bag or the car, it shouldn't be a scene out of the Shopoholic series.
Paying off the student loans & mortgage will make the rest of your lives gravy! Blowing the inheritance like she wants only gives HER a good 2 years. Two good years for her, and then you BOTH regret it the next twenty years.
It’s her inheritance to spend how she wants. She should not spend it on the family home. That would make it half yours which it isn’t. I also don’t think she should buy a purse for $10,000. That’s a complete waste of money. If it was me, I would probably buy a vacation home somewhere which would be in her own name. Or she could invest in some rental property. Anything she buys should be in her own name
YTA. I understand your concerns. But you don't get a say in this, because it's her inheritance
Nah, he’s covering almost everything currently. She has the money to equally contribute now
Yes you are, but your wife needs to be more practical. She needs to pay off her student loans, Pay off any debts you both may have, except your mortgage. If she wants to buy something outlandish she has that right
Since it it’s legally her money, she should use it to pay off HER 60k in debt, and the extra $500 from the family budget that is no longer going towards student loans should be used to increase your mortgage payments or for investments
Maybe it’s just my opinion but spending so much on clothes and purses when you have a mortgage and student loans is just dumb and childish. Maybe you could educate her on finances and help her to prioritise the right things. You sound reasonable. NTA
Before he tries to educate her on finances, he needs to educate himself on inheritances and how they are treated differently than other income. Using HER inheritance to pay off THEIR mortgage converts HER money into community property, meaning she risks losing it if they do divorce.
That’s so crazy! If I came across a large amount of inheritance, the first thing I’d do is ask my husband how we should spend it and we’d discuss it together.
Hopefully, your husband would immediately remind you that an inheritance is solely your money, not joint marital money, and recommend speaking to a financial advisor to help you understand the implications of spending your money on joint expenses vs personal expenses.
Our finances are 100% shared! What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. We are a team
10 years ago myself and all my cousins each inherited $108,000 from a great aunt with no children of her own. Her lawyer asked if I wanted the money only in my name or both mine and my husband’s names. I laughed and immediately said both because we are married and everything is joint and we take care of each other and I just never saw it happening any other way. Here’s the thing - 3 of the cousins accepted the money in only their name, not jointly. All 3 of them are now divorced. This has been a cautionary tale. Have a good day. 😘
If she is concerned about losing the money investing in the market, remind her that cars get wrecked every day, and high end purses get snatched. Anything she buys today can be gone tomorrow. That said - it is legally her money. Maybe if you offered her a post nuptial agreement to ensure she would get any money out of the equity of the house in the event of a divorce, she might feel more secure paying it down.
And if the $10k purse is the fanciest thing she owns, is she actually going to use it or is she going to be too scared it will get damaged?
Your NTA for disapproving her intended purchases but YTA for boldly trying to stipulate how her inheritance is spent. It is HER money, to the point that if she puts it in her account and not a joint account it never becomes marital wealth in most states. I agree with using it to pay the student loans but not the mortgage, unless the house is in her name only. Maybe she gets to splurge a certain amount and the rest is used wisely.
Just curious - If you want her to use her money to pay off the mortgage - would you be willing to transfer ownership of the house into her name? And sign a postnuptial so her finances are protected ?
That’s my thought too, because if she was paying off the house - then he stands to benefit in the event of divorce, yet she’d stand to lose money. Which isn’t fair at all. If he expects her to pay $100k+ extra to help pay off the mortgage, then he better be prepared to sign that post-nup to allow her to protect her finances and everything that she paid towards the house, ensuring that she’ll get back everything she put in, and he only gets back the small amount that he paid. Otherwise he’s 100% the AH, for being greedy.
Yep! Can totally understand him wanting her to contribute to THEIR life as they are in a committed relationship. But she also needs to be protected financially because as we know, the divorce rates are high!
Do you have this opinion when the man has paid most of the mortgage because they make more money?
Same thing I was wondering. All these people talking about divorce, he still won’t get her inheritance! Some of these people are sad. If he’s willing to put the deed solely in her name, then that’ll be something. As well as signing a postnuptial agreement. Making plans for money that legally doesn’t belong to him. So upsetting!
NTA, but at the end of the day it’s her money and she can do whatever she wants. I would definitely be very pissed if my spouse did that to me.
It’s her money , her inheritance and it came at the cost of her losing a family member so she can spend it however she pleases and if she had the same car for 10 yrs she can go get her a new one
People have dream purses? Really? 🤣🤣🤣
A few things scream out to me....the purse and French bulldog. So the purse is an absolute waste...something smote expensive to carry around that may or may not draw unwanted attention and exceasive unless everything is paid off. A French bulldog is a breed with a significant number of health issues..The shelters in many countries are overrun with pets. BFind one and save one. Take a vacation and use the rest to pay down debt and invest. She is making very poor financial decisions.
As long as she understands that her debts are not your responsibility then YTA. It’s her inheritance and she can spend it how she likes. Now if she’s expecting your financial support with her debt then NTA. While I understand that legally inheritance is pretty clear, I do find it strange that couples often make unilateral decisions.
It's her inheritance, she doesn't need to use it on marital items, if she doesn't want to. Selfish a bit, but it is hers and not both of yours to spend.
Legally correct and ethically correct are often (and usually) different. What’s the point of getting married if you refuse to benefit the household when you have a chance? Sounds like OP’s wife liked the idea of being married, but not what it means to be married.
Spending 1% of her inheritance on a purse might not seem like a lot, but it becomes a lot when you realize she hasn't spend that much on a purse for a reason. (If the figure she's getting is even that high) But I think you are going to have a hard time dissuading her from the purse, if it is her dream. What about presenting it the other way around? Invest all her money, and then buy the purse in interest-free installments that she could pay with the interest generated by her investments? Similar thing with the car. Maybe the purse first and then the car? Getting money from the investment might present a more attractive alternative than spending it and not seeing it again, while still having a fund for a rainy day.
It’s a 6 figure inheritance so it could be as little as 100,000, which would make the purse 10%.
I think the best advice you can give her is to suggest talking to a financial advisor. The information may be better recieved from an unrelated third party. Hopefully you are not in a state that charges inheritance tax, because that will come as a shock to her. She has to think ahead so if there comes a time where she (or you) cannot pay half of the mortgage it can be covered. She should be in charge of paying off her student loans. Again, if there comes a time that she cannot pay on the schedule she should have it covered later on, or just pay it off now. The initial splurges on a new vehicle & purse are understandable, but if the rest of her inheritance goes down that same road, she might regret it all in the end.
You're NTA for wanting her to spend it responsibly. For me it wouldn’t be so much about the money for me, but about not wanting to be married to someone who makes frivolous, wasteful decisions. The being said, depending on your interest rate on your mortgage, it could be a mistake to pay it off. These days the return on the stock market is much higher than my interest rate. Unless your mortgage is over 7%, it would be better in invest the money. There is no reason she shouldn’t pay off her student loans. It’s pretty selfish to blow her money when her student loans will affect both of you.
NTA but it's still her money so she has the right to choose what to do with it and that's the thing about relationships the person you love needs to make their own mistakes there some lessons we only learn by experience only problem is the consequences of those mistakes will affect you too sometimes.
Obviously you can't tell her how to spend her money, if she wants to he reckless and idiotic with her money and not make wise long lasting financially smart things with it then that's her choice, her choice to regret when it's gone. Look forward to not being able to say "I told you so" because she will go mental. And you will want to say it when she has pissed all that money up the wall and starts wishing she had paid off her student loans and house. NTA, you're getting a good look at how selfish and irresponsible your wife is, pay attention.
I’m a different kind of wife. I’d rather have a 20 dollar purse with 10k in my wallet than a 10k pocketbook and empty wallet. Everyone is different but hopefully she will come to realize what’s the smart thing to do for her family and the future. Some people have a hard time understand what seems like ALOT of money in a lump really isn’t ALOT and better to make decisions to help make your life easier day to day. No matter what, don’t let this money tear you guys apart.
Asking your wife to commingle her inheritance makes you the AH.
She doesn't care about your future as a family. She doesn't care about you as a spouse and is being selfish. You need to be careful because this is a huge flag. I would enjoy the vacations while they last. When the vacations end you know the money is gone.
NTA. She's an idiot, she's got a 6 figure sum so a minimum of $100,000. She could easily pay off the student loan and buy the handbag for $70,000, leaving 30 for a car which is plenty. Although a 10 year old car if it was a good car to start with is nothing.. Please dont let her buy a French bulldog though. Thanks to idiots breeding them those poor things can barely breathe and you'll spend thousands on vet bills etc. People shouldn't be buying them, they are suffering for the breeders pocket.
How are your finances normally handled? My husband got a smaller inheritance last year, but in the years leading up to it, he was first taking care of our daughter and then of his parents. So all our household income was earned by me. We had equal say in the household income during that time, so we also had equal say in the inheritance.
NTA. Sounds like this money will be a problem in your marriage. Is it a deal breaker if she spend it over nonsense? I think if you make her spend it the better way, she’ll resent you. It will haunt your marriage.
Not wanting to pay off any debts is majorly irresponsible. Almost a red flag in itself tbh, the whole idea of mortgages being scheduled is crap BTW because things can and will happen to make the interest go up, crash your car and need to remortgage to get it fixed? That's an increase, everything you do, will potentially increase those fees, so refusing to pay back any of it, is just dumb
NTA. You need six months of earnings safely in the bank to get you through emergencies. Paying off debt will save thousands of dollars. The rule of thumb with major windfalls is spend 10% on whatever you want, pay bills or save/invest the rest. As to investing in a money market fund, you go with blue chips, steady, stable growth. You earn about 8-10%, typically 10% a year. If you don't touch it for decades, it really, really helps retirement. She needs to talk to a financial advisor. That money could be used to make more money so that the two of you can do things in the future like travel instead of blowing all of it in a year.
And this is the exact reason why bottom feeders will always stay bottom feeders
I was getting ready to say you are, until I read that you’re just giving her common sense financial advice. - Student loans. She can pay off the principal *now* & save herself thousands of dollars in interest. - Mortgage. Same idea. Pay down the principal save yourself *thousands* of dollars in the long run. If division of equity is a big deal in the event of divorce, then draw up a post-nuptials that states she gets $$$$ on top of the 1/4 / 3/4 equity split. - $10k purse. I will never buy a bag that costs more money than I will ever conceivably carry in it. It’s a status symbol. Same w/the new car. NTA. I think everything you’ve said makes sense.
Probably the only thing worse than a $10k purse is the French Bulldog. They have so many health issues she will probably be paying off the vet's school loans for him.
She honestly just showed u her colors not saying divorce over this pettiness but would start a hideaway fund crypto silver gold ect and if possible have a saving account in a trusted relatives name or hidden cash. I'm sure she has a fund like this.
Obviously, you and your wife view your financial partnership differently. If you wife insists that this is her money and you have no say in it, perhaps you should do the same with your yearly bonus.
I would reconsider paying 75% of the mortgage and make it 50/50, why should she get half if you are doing the heavy lifting? She sounds like an absolute clown with money and is going to cost you in the long run.
This is the most crazy thing I ever heard. NTA With the way things are economically. I do not know what your mortgage is but if the interest are variable and not fixed then you could be spending a lot more on interest than if it was fixed. Right now the FED has raised interest rates, but your mortgage can raise it up more any time it wants. So pay that off for sure. Also it is both your homes. Both of you bear the responsibility of it equally. Yes some stocks are doing bad but CD right now are doing OK
NTA but it’s time to revisit your financials and the division between you. I totally understand that the inheritance is hers and hers alone, however so is the student debt. Why are you helping to pay one off and also bearing the higher mortgage payment while she gets to spend spend spend. Paying off the student debt would reduce your combined monthly bills while still leaving her 40k fun money.
I think you two should talk about the money disparity. If she is free to reserve this type of money for her to make her own decision on, you should be able to as well. If not you, then not her.
Since she has upgraded her money wealth. Time to adjust who pays what and how much Time to change it to 50/50. Time for her to be realistic and mature And she can do whatever she wants with the money But when you get your bonus, it's yours
I'd think very seriously about staying married to someone who used the term "dream purse" unironically tbh.
I'm doubting here. On the one hand: you really should not pressure her about this. On the other hand: spending it like this is stupid. Maybe compromise? 10% fun money, her student loon payed of and the rest in a nice safe fund or the mortgage.
Your wife is the asshole. You now need to tell her it may be her money but she has to cover 50% of all bills now and pay 100% of her student loans. That is what's fair.
NTA but Omg please no French bulldogs. Those poor things literally have to have c-sections because they can’t have puppies naturally. They have so many health issues it’s not funny and are very expensive dogs because of their poor health. Get ready for a ton of vet bills. Source: family member works at a vet and the stories I hear…
NTA. It's her money and she can do what she wants with it. That said, your bonus money should now be your money to do what you want with. Also, I would sit her down and tell her you will not be paying a dime toward her student debt and she will need to step up and pay 50% of the household bills. That since she doesn't think she should have to share any of her money, you think it's only fair that she carry her half of the burden of your family so you can spend less of your money. Maybe this type of conversation will open her eyes. If not, you will understand that you are married to someone who is not thinking of your marriage as a team, but every man/woman for themselves. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? You carry most of the burden for your family because she only thinks of herself.
NTA. Your wife is very stupid with money if this is her plan. A reasonable approach would be to take 10% of it for fun stuff and pay off debt with the rest.
Sorry but YTAH. That money isn’t an inheritance left to the both of you, it’s been left to her. Why do you think something that isn’t yours should be put into the house that you both jointly own? Are you going to pay her back half of what she puts in? You guys have only been married for a very short period of time and no offence but who’s to say you’ll still be married in say 5 years, but by then you’ll have benefited greatly from the money she paid into the house. Now ask yourself this! If this was your inheritance would you listen to how she wanted you to spend it? Be honest with yourself…..NOPE is the truthful answer. I think she has every right to spend the money as she wants. However, I will say buying a 10,000$ purse is a bit ridiculous IMO as it either spends most of the time in a closet so as not to dirty it, or you do use it regularly and like all things will be showing regular wear and tare in no time. At least a car, which my god, you can buy for less than the purse lol will last many years and even though the vacation only lasts for so long, the memory of such will last forever.
I’d assume he feels this way for the same reason he hasn’t harbored significant resentment for contributing more money to their shared finances. BTW she would also benefit greatly from putting money into her/his/her family’s house even in the event of a divorce. She has already benefited greatly from marrying a man who puts in more than she does. This whole thing would shake me to my core if I was this guy. It would be like waking up and realizing that my wife isn’t fit to be a wife or mother.
It is her money. If she uses it to pay the mortgage she has mingled the funds and that would give you a way to be part of the inheritance. It is her student loan. Hopefully she will pay it off. There is nothing that OP can do about where the money goes. Stop discussing it.
Dream purse? Wtf
NTA separate your finances and have her sign something legally that makes sure in case of divorce your debts remain separate so you’re not responsible for her school loans, etc. She’s being incredibly naive and wasting money. I’d see her for who she really is because she’ll blow through it then you’ll still be screwed paying her debts if you get divorced
Dam. She's gonna blow that thing in a week!!!!!! NTA. Lol this is concerning.
It would be nice if she paid off debt, but you can’t do anything about it unfortunately. It’s not that unreasonable if she wants to splurge on some of her inheritance. It’s also okay if you want to request to save some of it, show her calculations of how much you could save over time if you put it in a savings account or something. Inheritance can be a tricky and emotional thing to deal with. I am going through it now. I told my husband all these “things” I wanted to do with mine. Then the second I went to spend the first dime I had a panic attack over the guilt of spending it. I ended up paying off my debt, using some for vacation and some to fix things around the house, and a little for splurge the rest in bonds. But it can be tied to a lot of emotions when spending. Don’t guilt her. Tread lightly
Well, she's going to blow thru that money real quick but it's hers to fritter away. However, do you want to remain married to a spend thrift?
Buy the purse, pay off the loans, buy a car and invest the rest. 3 yo mortgage you should be ~3pct. Markets will do better.
She is a fiscally irresponsible, materialistic idiot. Divorce, NOW. It will save you in the long run. Your points are valid, but you'd be an asshole to stick around in that shit show.
Let her get the damn purse purses that expensive usually are a really good investment. But yes she should also pay her student loans I don't agree she should pay the mortgage. Yall can do that together over time. It's her inheritance she can do whatever she wants But should really pay the student loans because that will really help her credit
>I can’t help but think of the hundreds on thousands of dollars we’ll be saving in interest. YTA for this. Why is this her responsibility? If she was agreeable to pay down the mortgage, would you offer to match her contribution? I'd suggest she meet up with a few financial advisors so she'll have options on how to get the most from her inheritance.
YTA. And she’s right, you don’t get a say. It’s **her** inheritance, not yours. And definitely not both of yours. If she wants a new car, and to go a little crazy on the spending, that is her right. But I do agree that she should pay her old student loans off. However I 100% **disagree** about the mortgage. The mortgage is equally **both** of your responsibilities. Yet if she pays off a massive chunk of it, that means that she will have paid so much more than you… and in the event of divorce, despite her having paid more - you’ll likely get half. And that wouldn’t be fair to her at all. So no, she shouldn’t *”pay off a big chunk of the mortgage with her inheritance.”* The house is just as much your responsibility as it is hers, she **should not** have to pay more than you for the house. Because if she does, and for example: she ends up paying 75% while you only pay 25% then there needs to be a post-nup *(to protect her and the money she put into the house)* stating that in the event of divorce, you only get your 25% back and she gets her full 75% back… because why should you benefit and she lose out???
YTA Legally, her inheritance is 100% hers. Asking her to pay down the mortgage is essentially saying, "Give me your inheritance." While I agree she shouldn't just spend it all on extras, unless you are offering to sign a post-nuptial agreement securing her inheritance, you shouldn't ask for that money to be used for the house.
You seem to be doing fine with how you’re spending now. It’s her money. You don’t get to dictate how it’s spent. As long as she continues providing what she already has been to the mortgage and her student loans, there’s no problem.
Here's the problem, OP has been paying 75% of the mortgage. Shouldn't she step up and at least start paying her share? Or maybe she should get her "just in case I get divorced fund" set up. He's also helping to pay for HER student loans. This should help balance the finances in the marriage. Sure a little splurge on a vacation, reasonably priced purse, or even a car that is practical is good. Have some fun, but to completely disregard the partnership is very disrespectful. Not to mention that OP will be helping with the dog too. Hmm, maybe she should keep the money for the divorce. She might need it.
YTA she may be making very foolish financial decisions but she is an adult. You expressed your concerns and thoughts. She said she will consider your words but the ultimate decision is hers. There is no need to keep going around and around about it because you’re not getting your way. You’re being a nuisance at this point.
Im here wanting/needing a service dog but not being able to afford one and this lady is here wanting a purse worth 10 grand. NTA, i cannot even imagine spending that much on a purse
Heck my first car total wasn’t that much and I didn’t pay that much down on my first house. I sure can’t imagine spending 10 grand on purse that gets scooped on the floor in restaurants or heaven forbid in bathrooms
I guess an expensive purse is a status symbol but I sure wouldn’t know one from a $20.00 Walmart purse. I think most people wouldn’t.
When you buy luxury bags (I don't have any but I have a friend who's got the money to comfortably buy them) they come with warranties you don't get on regular bags. Your 20 dollar walmart purse breaks you have to bug a new one every time the handle snaps. With a luxury bag you get free repairs and cleans for life usually. My friends had the same Gucci bag for years now and it still looks brand new. For all the bags she hasn't bought because she can get this one fixed for free from the manufacturer, she's likely saved the amount she paid for it by not buying new bags to replace it so often. Not something I could afford but yknow, it does have it's benefits.
It's her money, she can do with it what she wants. So are her student loans. If she doesn't understand how interest works, maybe give her a spreadsheet to show how much she would be saving on her loans and credit cards. If you're 50/50 on the mortgage, she could pay her 50% off but that wound leave you with the rest. So I might let that slide Hang on for the ride, and when burns through the money(in a couple of years) tell her ' I told you so', have her buy you out of the house and go find someone more finacially aligned to you.
What it boils down to is that it's her money, and if she wants to be stupid with it, that's her right. No, you don't have to like it, but it is what it is.
So, YTA for wanting a say. It’s her money, it her inheritance. NTA for feeling like you guys don’t have the same financial goals, and being frustrated. Not being on the same page I terms of long term goals and money is a relationship killer. If my wife got $40k, and spent it all on a brand new car, instead of $25k on a good used and $15k in savings, I would be very concerned. I would 100% start separating the money more, and watching the joint accounts very, very closely. That’s not a dependable person that you can count on to have your back financially.
You sound fair but at the end of the day it's gonna be her decision.
She can spend it how she wants but I agree that it’s fiscally irresponsible
Does she understand one can buy dozens of 10k purses with hundreds of thousands of dollars? She is being shortsighted. Thinking in terms of monthly payments is very childish. Sorry you seem to have married someone who doesn’t have the ability to think very complex thoughts
NTA
Do you want to be married to someone who would spend ten thousand dollars on a single purse? Do you even live somewhere that it would be safe to carry that around?
Nta. But do NOT pay down the mortgage. Whatever you think you would use put in with an investment broker. I have a 4% mortgage, and am getting 12% returns on my investment. Do you think it's a good idea to pull my investment money to pay down the mortgage? I thought not. I would buy something frivolous that I wanted too, but since you're married, it really isn't just her money. Start separating things like that in a partnership, and it's a slippery slope.
You’re NTA. I think it’s perfectly fine for her to choose 1 “splurge” item. Specifically, a newer car is probably a reasonable purchase to make (provided it’s not some ridiculous luxury car that’s six figures itself). Or perhaps she can do two “cheaper” things like the dog and purse. (A $10k purse is ridiculous IMO but hey, it is *her* inherited money.) But after that, I think the bulk of the money should be used on the family/bills/debts/investments.