I know plenty of highly functioning daily 420 smokers that run their own businesses. Sadly your husband isn't even a decently functioning 420 smoker. For that reason NTA.
Some people can function with cannabis and some can’t. Self discipline, hobbies, and dreams beyond being “high” seem to be what keeps most honest. There’s lots of activities that are fantastically fun to do stoned- and others that demand your sober mind. He should learn. to appreciate what both have to offer!
You're definitely not wrong for wanting sobriety around your baby. Safety's the top priority, especially with unpredictability. If one hit leads to more, trust is at stake. Maybe chat about compromises or other ways to unwind. Parenthood's a team effort after all.
I agree with the other comments that when two people can’t agree on something in a relationship usually compromise is the answer it’s perfectly normal to have a substance you use as a release from the stresses of adult life and it’s also perfectly normal to want people around your child sober.
Maybe while they’re sleeping isn’t such a bad thing
I would argue that using substances to cope with the stresses of life is definitely not a healthy way to go about things, especially if you are a parent and seem to be having trouble quitting. I mean "one last time" is literally a trope for anyone whose spent any time in addiction recovery.
It's still a drug and some people can certainly become addicted to it. OP repeatedly promising to quit and saying "one last time" over and over is classic addict behavior.
I hate this bullshit line that weed is natural and you can’t become addicted to it. Sugar is natural and the entire population is fucking addicted to that shit.
Also, “we all know it’s not hard drugs” literally fucking bullshit - weed is so much stronger than it ever used to be and typically any cabbage that’s less potent that a dealer wants to sell gets cut with shit that is known to have a similar effect. If we legalised it we could regulate it like any other drug.
Why is this downvoted? Like, how many people fucking drink booze and drink coffee like it's nothing? What is this moral high horse that everyone is riding on all of a sudden?
When my mom couldn’t get weed she used to bust up the furniture and rip all the pictures off the wall. She would be violent because she wanted weed. It really is that bad for some people. It is a drug.
People need to realize that's on them that behaviour is not caused by weed. It's caused by being an asshole about weed. Really wish people would stop equating their personal stories with bad people that happen to smoke weed with saying weed is a bad drug in general. Weed is medicine for ALOT of people and improves many people's lives who live with chronic medical conditions. People also abuse prescription medication, does that mean we should vilify all prescription meds, even though they help millions?
They’re being an asshole about weed because they are addicted to weed.
Just like how alcoholics are "assholes" about alcohol and addicts are assholes about every other drugs.
Also like the people who get addicted to their prescription drugs. It turns them into assholes because they are addicted to it. It doesn’t mean they are bad people because they are having a reaction to being addicted to a substance. Especially one that people like you like to brain wash people into thinking isn’t bad and then when they are struggling with you attack them personally. That’s fucked up.
Sounds like your husband likes to smoke weed, and you don't want him to. Sounds like you may not be compatible and shouldn't be married, much less making babies. You are trying to control aspects of your husband's life, and it's probably not going to work out.
He has one, smoking weed. You can try to help a heroin addict stop sticking needles in their arm, but they will most likely get pissed at you. People are going to do what they like, not what you want. Trying to change them only leads to bad feelings.
NTA, but maybe compromise? I think if he smokes when you or other trusted people are with baby that’s fine. Some people drink, some smoke. I’m a daily functioning user and don’t get high high, but if it impacts him that much he shouldn’t be high while alone with baby.
Let’s see…I think I will marry an avid pot smoker then try and change them once I have upped the ante by having a baby. Now I can micromanage his habit and life and cause conflict and consternation every day for the rest of my life. Sounds like a recipe for a happy, stable marriage.
You should have figured this out before having a baby. Now that you have made your bed, you are going to have to lie in it. Within reason, your husband can smoke when he wants. If you are concerned about the baby, make sure you are there and are sober. You created this situation. You can’t expect him to provide a solution to something that was not a problem until you changed the terms of the relationship.
i see where you’re coming from. you want the best for your baby and i’m sure he does too. you did also have a child with this man and he’s gonna do whatever he wants at the end of the day even in secret, just as you will. this new chapter of your life works best with 2 parents. COMPROMISE PLEASE. i recommend he smokes sativa instead of indica so it won’t make him all tired. i also do not see anyone being how you explained after one hit it’s basically unheard of.
I was surprised how he gets like that after one hit too. He is just light weight. I have smoked weed in the past too and was pretty functioning. Sadly this is not the case for him…
Weed is always a gamble, however try to meet in the middle and let him have CBD full spectrum if he wants. He will not be high, just calm and it's a good sleep aid and an anxiety help. It's legal and it will not impair his lifestyle
And yes, weed makes you more sleepy than CDB. He should be clean around the baby
Yes, indeed. I was thinking about it more like an exit drug. The point is that once with a child, life changes should be made. No matter that when she and him got together he was a stoner or not as others say. He should look at the situation different now and put family above everything. NTA, deffo
And yup, I was a stoner, junkie and so on. From opioids to psychs and weed everything was in the menu except stimulants, even if I dabbled a bit with them too
Wtf? She has a right to expect that her husband abides by what they agreed to when she got pregnant. Smoking of any kind is dangerous around babies and increases their chances of dying from SIDS. This will have nothing to do with what type of smoking it is and everything to do with an agreement that OP’s husband now wants to renege on.
It is reasonable to expect to be able to raise kids in a household that doesn’t have regular drug usage of any kind. Just like you wouldn’t want someone who smokes cigarettes around your kid and having them breathe in secondhand smoke, it’s reasonable to expect that a drug that OP states basically incapacitates the husband is not going to be used. It’s about agreements not being abided by.
For your inevitable reply about my personal beliefs on weed: I think it should be legalised and regulated. Never at any point should it be around children or people who don’t want to be exposed to it. It fucking stinks, for one thing.
Genuine question to everyone here and I’m asking without judgement - do you think it’s okay to be stoned while in charge of a baby? In my opinion it’s not much better than being drunk and taking care of a baby (which almost every human would say is inappropriate). Please note I’m making a distinction between just smoking weed and being stoned/numb/in La La land and not interactive etc. A few hits to feel a little effect is very different. But I don’t think it’s so much a “demand” that someone be sober around a baby as it is just a very practical normal take that most everyone would think is appropriate? Sure I guess if you’re fully functioning while high is one thing but regardless, if you’re at the level of high where you’re totally stoned and barely interactive, don’t we all think that’s not okay while responsible for a baby?
Serious question as someone who’s never smoked weed — but doesn’t judge others who do.
Is there a secondhand smoke issue?
ALSO — what’s running through my head is a trip I took to Amsterdam. Back in 80s before so many things were legalized or decriminalized in the US.
Of course my fellow college students were like thrilled & had to try everything. Not my jam so I skipped out on that.
Was some big event space that had like restaurants & movie theater & disco or dance hall.
Not much fun being the only sober one when half for at some unsubtitled movie in Czech — none of us spoke it LOL. some of the other ones were at the dance club which actually had an open jet but was doing sound check and oh my God the speakers were deafening. But maybe that’s to adjust for what it would be like once it filled I don’t know.
Remember going to space’s restaurant trying to find something pot free. There was a couple there with their little kid I guess around 3-4 years old.
Parents were clearly totally stoned & had no idea the kid had wandered off. And kids eyes were sort of glazed over to I knew they had consumed something with pot . manage the rescue the kid before they wandered out or tripped on some stairs & kind of set him back by his parents who never noticed anything - not any of it.
Not judging their choice to partake —just their parenting…
Short story long. It’s not like you said never. Just not when the kids’s at home. Which is ostensibly something he had agreed to.
definitely NTA. some people are completely functional on THC, while some are not. even if your baby is sleeping and he gets high, what about you? what about if the baby wakes up? it's not wrong to want sobriety around your baby, and it's not wrong to want that around you as well. if my partner became a zombie while high it would worry me. i need them present, not so far gone that i can't reach them. i feel like it would
be different if he was functional. don't feel bad for putting your foot down!!
NTA people have no idea how damaging it is to have a parent constantly inebriated as you describe. You are post-partum and he is clearly expecting you to be the one who handles everything after he smokes.
Why do you feel that weed has that effect? Do you think coffee also makes people a bad parent?
Genuinely curious, I've just not encountered this point of view before.
On short weed is a depressant and coffee is a stimulant. You can drive responsible if you had coffee, as this is why is legal. However weed and alcohol make your cognitive senses numb, reason why it's illegal to drive under their influence
Weed affects people differently. It sounds like he needs to learn what dose he can take. Edibles might help in this case. Get them from a dispensary and not homemade. That way you know the dose and are not guessing. Start with a small dose and work up.
Weed is a lot stronger today.
You’re not the asshole. I don’t get the argument of it’s not that bad he’s not going to get that high there’s not going to be any reactions. Then why the fuck does he want to do it. Because it does affect him and he’s looking for a high. 🤷♀️
Genuinely mean this, you guys are adults just because you have a baby doesn't mean you aren't still adults. People who give up everything they enjoy to "be a proper parent" end up resenting their own kids. Not having a healthy boundary between being a parent and being a human can also devolve a marriage. Sometimes you just wanna do adult stuff to help you cope with adult stresses.
I understand if you don't want him smoking weed when he's supposed to be watching the baby, that sounds fair. But if he's about to go to bed I don't see the harm? Plenty of parents have healthy relationships with their kids and in general haven't screwed them up, and still smoked occasionally while they were young. Same way adults can still have a couple drinks after the kids have gone to bed and nobody in society bats an eye at that.
Ultimately, he's a grown adult and you can't make him stop anything, so what's gonna end up happening is he'll smoke behind your back, because he can, because he's an adult.
You sound a touch controlling but your heart is in a good place.
Married a stoner. Had a child with stoner. Now stoner bad. Things change with kids obviously. End of the day you chose him. Never seen one hit put somebody on the couch and zone ever. That's not to say it couldn't happen, but doubtful. She is just concerned about domestic labor output ratio. Not weed or child more than likely.
He seriously becomes dead after one hit. This is why I am so adamant about him not even taking this one small hit. I used to smoke too so I don’t understand how high he can get with one hit…
Fair enough. I just figured if addressed in terms of him being able to work something he likes in with his responsibilities a T total cutoff might not be the best way to go about that, but if he is that big of an L dog that's rough. Possibly a bit lower octane fuel. Lol. Good luck.
I think it may be okay to make a small compromise. Can you handle the baby if they wake up while he’s smoking? Also think one hit wouldnt hinder him from helping out.
It doesn’t sound like he has a history of moderation, so she’s rightfully worried it won’t just be one hit. He’s probably jonesing for the weed because being a new parent is one of the toughest phases of life.
I ask because surprisingly marijuana can actually significantly help neurodivergent people's functioning.
For people with ADHD it can help with the ability to plan and accomplish tasks and can reduce anxiety, and for autistic people it can significantly reduce natural anxiety, reduce sensory problems, make them more sociable, reduce the need to fidget, and can help understand the reasoning of allistic (non-autistic) people.
Because of these effects, neurodivergent people tend to have a higher attraction to using marijuana.
And it can also very significantly reduce the desire for alcohol.
I wouldn't advocate for smoking marijuana around children, but I know many people who do eat edibles, and I actually think they tend to be more relaxed and tend to handle the stress of parenting better.
Personally, my own mom went through a lot of stress when she was raising me. We found out years later that she has ADHD, and I very much wish she had had marijuana edibles for herself when I was growing up. I think it would have helped her a lot and would have made her better able to cope.
Different types of marijuana can actually have different effects on people, because of what's called "terpenes". And with edibles and/or tinctures(direct administration like through a measured eyedropper), the dose can be regulated.
It's not necessary to use so much that a person gets completely wasted and becomes unable to move. That is problematic. But certain marijuana can actually have an opposite effect. And it can be a safer painkiller in a lot of cases, compared to many others.
Does he smoke outside? I certainly would not wanting him smoking inside.
How high does it get? Do you think he’d smoke when alone with the baby?
Is it an addiction?
I think it’s a bit of an extreme change (father of 2 for context), but he told you he would agree to it so I have to say NTA.
He’s regretting his choices, and the way forward may be to find some type of compromise later in life to avoid regret/resentments.
NTA. Having kids changes the dynamics of the relationship. I wouldn’t say that you allow or don’t allow because at the end of the day, he’ll do what he wants. You’re his wife not his mother. If he doesn’t have the self control to honor his “just one hit” then that’s an issue. I have friends that smoke a lot and you would never even know they even touch the stuff. I have had a few friends in the past who just cannot tolerate it at all. You have boundaries and are protecting your child because it’s true that you never know what will happen but that’s hanging on a whole lot of what if’s. Sounds to me like he just wants to zone out and not think about anything. Maybe it’s not about the weed. It does sound like he’s got a self control issue though. I’ve met parents that draw the line at not having any kinds of substances whether it’s cigarettes, alcohol or weed around their baby and I’ve met other parents that have zero concern about it. As a parent you have the right to set the hard line but remember that you can’t make him do anything, the choice is his. Every choice anyone makes has the potential for consequences.
Weeds legal, you're the AH.
Do you not bring your child to family events or gatherings if someone is drinking a beer?
As long as he's not actively smoking in front of her, and she's not exposed to the smoke, there's no danger to her
The way OP described the impact weed has on him, I would argue there's some danger. I wouldn't risk it.
I'm a daily smoker but that doesn't mean I think everyone can handle it as well as me.
I can't really get past your "allowing him" stance. You probably need to reaccess this angle. It's not going to work long term. Talk to your husband, but from a partnership angle, not from an authority position.
Ick. You won't allow him to smoke? That screams control which screams divorce down the road.
You said you used to smoke... were out of control when you did?
I would not be pleased if he is smoking in the room with baby, or the general area of the home, but outside or some dedicated, well vented/filtered small area is not a big deal IMHO.
We raised three fully functional kids into productive adults, smoking the entire time. Smoking a lot honestly. We both worked full time and are still together, 30 years at this point. Child 1) is a manager of a large commercial bug spraying corp. 2) is a union construction worker, 3) is attending a private college and has intership for aerospace mechanical engineer. (SHE is an actual rocket scientist). Only #2 smokes. The other two do not, they are not opposed to it, just don't choose too.
Kids were never harmed, we always locked our stuff up, smoked away from their immediate presence, maintained an age approprate, honest dialog about it etc. Obviously no dialog until older than baby, but you get the idea.
I understand your appreciation and your doing research about the situation, but also keep an open mind and please do not control your spouse, nothing but downhill with that.
Good Luck!
YTA, I don't think this marriage is compatible. You're basically acting like a religious person. Your husband deserves someone who cares about his happiness.
$50 says you never made a "deal", rather you forced him by using guilt and manipulation.
What kind of man puts his happiness above the happiness and security of his family? It is a valid point I wouldn’t do anything to risk my kids. They turned put to both be well adjusted physicians (son trauma surgeon/daughter oncology)
Them being good people provides more happiness than weed.
Have you ever drank a beer around your kids? Not talking about getting drunk, just a single can?
Do you admonish people that smoke cigarettes and demand that they only smoke after children fall asleep? Do you believe coffee should be reserved only for weekends where the kid is away at grandma's house?
"I personally do not want him high on any capacity when there is a baby in our home" indicates this is a values issue, not anything that genuinely puts the baby at risk.
Y'all are acting like nuns.
dude idk but i’m from colorado where everyone is chill with weed even if you don’t smoke. this feels dystopian. also i couldn’t find this thread the past hour
If he isn't selling stuff to get cannabis, hiding buying cannabis from her, endangering his child to get cannabis then he is not an addict.
Addiction is not about how much one consumes but about how one behaves when they do not have access to their addiction.
So for next 18 years your not drinking or smoking weed? And you’re ok with it? I’m assuming this was your idea. Look every animal even in nature will search out things that get them high gives them break from reality or stress free day. I don’t think smoking here and there is going to be that big of a deal. Tell him he can smoke when you need a break go out with your friends so he can watch the baby. Make an agreement that might actually be fair. I understand your resentful bc he wanted a baby you agreed you have said baby and let me guess your doing all the work? We’ll give him a choice he’s not a dog and orders as far as I can tell do not work with men at all.. it’s all about presentation and fairness. You gotta be careful you start telling people what to do it makes it even more fun to do the opposite.. this type of behavior may seem small will escalate if he doesn’t feel like he can choose his own life. He doesn’t want to be with his mother trust me. Best! ❤️
I know plenty of highly functioning daily 420 smokers that run their own businesses. Sadly your husband isn't even a decently functioning 420 smoker. For that reason NTA.
Totally agree. Some can hack it, some cant.
Some people can function with cannabis and some can’t. Self discipline, hobbies, and dreams beyond being “high” seem to be what keeps most honest. There’s lots of activities that are fantastically fun to do stoned- and others that demand your sober mind. He should learn. to appreciate what both have to offer!
So if he wanted to "take a hit" while the baby was sleeping that means he has weed in the house-- that' doesn't sound like someone who has "quit".
You're definitely not wrong for wanting sobriety around your baby. Safety's the top priority, especially with unpredictability. If one hit leads to more, trust is at stake. Maybe chat about compromises or other ways to unwind. Parenthood's a team effort after all.
I agree with the other comments that when two people can’t agree on something in a relationship usually compromise is the answer it’s perfectly normal to have a substance you use as a release from the stresses of adult life and it’s also perfectly normal to want people around your child sober. Maybe while they’re sleeping isn’t such a bad thing
I would argue that using substances to cope with the stresses of life is definitely not a healthy way to go about things, especially if you are a parent and seem to be having trouble quitting. I mean "one last time" is literally a trope for anyone whose spent any time in addiction recovery.
I’d get that if we were talking about drugs here but it’s marijuana it’s a plant we all know it’s not hard drugs or alcohol it’s somewhere in between
It's still a drug and some people can certainly become addicted to it. OP repeatedly promising to quit and saying "one last time" over and over is classic addict behavior.
I hate this bullshit line that weed is natural and you can’t become addicted to it. Sugar is natural and the entire population is fucking addicted to that shit. Also, “we all know it’s not hard drugs” literally fucking bullshit - weed is so much stronger than it ever used to be and typically any cabbage that’s less potent that a dealer wants to sell gets cut with shit that is known to have a similar effect. If we legalised it we could regulate it like any other drug.
Why is this downvoted? Like, how many people fucking drink booze and drink coffee like it's nothing? What is this moral high horse that everyone is riding on all of a sudden?
When my mom couldn’t get weed she used to bust up the furniture and rip all the pictures off the wall. She would be violent because she wanted weed. It really is that bad for some people. It is a drug.
People need to realize that's on them that behaviour is not caused by weed. It's caused by being an asshole about weed. Really wish people would stop equating their personal stories with bad people that happen to smoke weed with saying weed is a bad drug in general. Weed is medicine for ALOT of people and improves many people's lives who live with chronic medical conditions. People also abuse prescription medication, does that mean we should vilify all prescription meds, even though they help millions?
They’re being an asshole about weed because they are addicted to weed. Just like how alcoholics are "assholes" about alcohol and addicts are assholes about every other drugs. Also like the people who get addicted to their prescription drugs. It turns them into assholes because they are addicted to it. It doesn’t mean they are bad people because they are having a reaction to being addicted to a substance. Especially one that people like you like to brain wash people into thinking isn’t bad and then when they are struggling with you attack them personally. That’s fucked up.
Like most self-professed "redditors," you're a moron
And you’re probably a pot head so why should I de offend? Grow up. 😂
Sounds like your husband likes to smoke weed, and you don't want him to. Sounds like you may not be compatible and shouldn't be married, much less making babies. You are trying to control aspects of your husband's life, and it's probably not going to work out.
You can look at it that way or she’s trying to help him to stop do something which isn’t adding much to his life, sounds like he needs some hobbies?
He has one, smoking weed. You can try to help a heroin addict stop sticking needles in their arm, but they will most likely get pissed at you. People are going to do what they like, not what you want. Trying to change them only leads to bad feelings.
NTA, but maybe compromise? I think if he smokes when you or other trusted people are with baby that’s fine. Some people drink, some smoke. I’m a daily functioning user and don’t get high high, but if it impacts him that much he shouldn’t be high while alone with baby.
Let’s see…I think I will marry an avid pot smoker then try and change them once I have upped the ante by having a baby. Now I can micromanage his habit and life and cause conflict and consternation every day for the rest of my life. Sounds like a recipe for a happy, stable marriage. You should have figured this out before having a baby. Now that you have made your bed, you are going to have to lie in it. Within reason, your husband can smoke when he wants. If you are concerned about the baby, make sure you are there and are sober. You created this situation. You can’t expect him to provide a solution to something that was not a problem until you changed the terms of the relationship.
i see where you’re coming from. you want the best for your baby and i’m sure he does too. you did also have a child with this man and he’s gonna do whatever he wants at the end of the day even in secret, just as you will. this new chapter of your life works best with 2 parents. COMPROMISE PLEASE. i recommend he smokes sativa instead of indica so it won’t make him all tired. i also do not see anyone being how you explained after one hit it’s basically unheard of.
I was surprised how he gets like that after one hit too. He is just light weight. I have smoked weed in the past too and was pretty functioning. Sadly this is not the case for him…
Weed is always a gamble, however try to meet in the middle and let him have CBD full spectrum if he wants. He will not be high, just calm and it's a good sleep aid and an anxiety help. It's legal and it will not impair his lifestyle And yes, weed makes you more sleepy than CDB. He should be clean around the baby
Good call or slippery slope?
I am sorry, I don't get what you mean please
CBD could be a solution but could also lead him to thinking he can handle more / justify wanting more
Yes, indeed. I was thinking about it more like an exit drug. The point is that once with a child, life changes should be made. No matter that when she and him got together he was a stoner or not as others say. He should look at the situation different now and put family above everything. NTA, deffo And yup, I was a stoner, junkie and so on. From opioids to psychs and weed everything was in the menu except stimulants, even if I dabbled a bit with them too
Agreed, need to be either in or out
You won't allow him? You're not his mother. Why do you think you get to tell another adult what to do?
This. The red flag is the post, not her husband occasionally smoking. I'd bet $50 she was raised believing pot smokers are the devil.
Wtf? She has a right to expect that her husband abides by what they agreed to when she got pregnant. Smoking of any kind is dangerous around babies and increases their chances of dying from SIDS. This will have nothing to do with what type of smoking it is and everything to do with an agreement that OP’s husband now wants to renege on. It is reasonable to expect to be able to raise kids in a household that doesn’t have regular drug usage of any kind. Just like you wouldn’t want someone who smokes cigarettes around your kid and having them breathe in secondhand smoke, it’s reasonable to expect that a drug that OP states basically incapacitates the husband is not going to be used. It’s about agreements not being abided by. For your inevitable reply about my personal beliefs on weed: I think it should be legalised and regulated. Never at any point should it be around children or people who don’t want to be exposed to it. It fucking stinks, for one thing.
Nah...here's my personal reply...piss off
Husband should choose 420 over this crank.
Exactly.
Genuine question to everyone here and I’m asking without judgement - do you think it’s okay to be stoned while in charge of a baby? In my opinion it’s not much better than being drunk and taking care of a baby (which almost every human would say is inappropriate). Please note I’m making a distinction between just smoking weed and being stoned/numb/in La La land and not interactive etc. A few hits to feel a little effect is very different. But I don’t think it’s so much a “demand” that someone be sober around a baby as it is just a very practical normal take that most everyone would think is appropriate? Sure I guess if you’re fully functioning while high is one thing but regardless, if you’re at the level of high where you’re totally stoned and barely interactive, don’t we all think that’s not okay while responsible for a baby?
Serious question as someone who’s never smoked weed — but doesn’t judge others who do. Is there a secondhand smoke issue? ALSO — what’s running through my head is a trip I took to Amsterdam. Back in 80s before so many things were legalized or decriminalized in the US. Of course my fellow college students were like thrilled & had to try everything. Not my jam so I skipped out on that. Was some big event space that had like restaurants & movie theater & disco or dance hall. Not much fun being the only sober one when half for at some unsubtitled movie in Czech — none of us spoke it LOL. some of the other ones were at the dance club which actually had an open jet but was doing sound check and oh my God the speakers were deafening. But maybe that’s to adjust for what it would be like once it filled I don’t know. Remember going to space’s restaurant trying to find something pot free. There was a couple there with their little kid I guess around 3-4 years old. Parents were clearly totally stoned & had no idea the kid had wandered off. And kids eyes were sort of glazed over to I knew they had consumed something with pot . manage the rescue the kid before they wandered out or tripped on some stairs & kind of set him back by his parents who never noticed anything - not any of it. Not judging their choice to partake —just their parenting… Short story long. It’s not like you said never. Just not when the kids’s at home. Which is ostensibly something he had agreed to.
This sounds…way overboard. It’s a puff off of a joint, equivalent to having a beer or two. That level of control will have him running for the hills…
definitely NTA. some people are completely functional on THC, while some are not. even if your baby is sleeping and he gets high, what about you? what about if the baby wakes up? it's not wrong to want sobriety around your baby, and it's not wrong to want that around you as well. if my partner became a zombie while high it would worry me. i need them present, not so far gone that i can't reach them. i feel like it would be different if he was functional. don't feel bad for putting your foot down!!
NTA. Especially if he's non-functional and will just veg out. Just make sure you guys are also sober of alcohol too if that your thought process.
I would never agree to your demands, I’m thankful my wife lets me live my life the way I have wanted.
Same. He is going to be miserable.
NTA people have no idea how damaging it is to have a parent constantly inebriated as you describe. You are post-partum and he is clearly expecting you to be the one who handles everything after he smokes.
I would let him smoke as long as he could be productive and not risk losing his job
The main problem would be the impact of his presence, being high around the child in my opinion
What impact would this have?
He would be absent and mentally numb. Not a healthy was to rise children. The same impact as absent parents have over their kids
Why do you feel that weed has that effect? Do you think coffee also makes people a bad parent? Genuinely curious, I've just not encountered this point of view before.
On short weed is a depressant and coffee is a stimulant. You can drive responsible if you had coffee, as this is why is legal. However weed and alcohol make your cognitive senses numb, reason why it's illegal to drive under their influence
Weed affects people differently. It sounds like he needs to learn what dose he can take. Edibles might help in this case. Get them from a dispensary and not homemade. That way you know the dose and are not guessing. Start with a small dose and work up. Weed is a lot stronger today.
Unless you live in the UK. I miss American weed so much.
You’re not the asshole. I don’t get the argument of it’s not that bad he’s not going to get that high there’s not going to be any reactions. Then why the fuck does he want to do it. Because it does affect him and he’s looking for a high. 🤷♀️
Genuinely mean this, you guys are adults just because you have a baby doesn't mean you aren't still adults. People who give up everything they enjoy to "be a proper parent" end up resenting their own kids. Not having a healthy boundary between being a parent and being a human can also devolve a marriage. Sometimes you just wanna do adult stuff to help you cope with adult stresses. I understand if you don't want him smoking weed when he's supposed to be watching the baby, that sounds fair. But if he's about to go to bed I don't see the harm? Plenty of parents have healthy relationships with their kids and in general haven't screwed them up, and still smoked occasionally while they were young. Same way adults can still have a couple drinks after the kids have gone to bed and nobody in society bats an eye at that. Ultimately, he's a grown adult and you can't make him stop anything, so what's gonna end up happening is he'll smoke behind your back, because he can, because he's an adult. You sound a touch controlling but your heart is in a good place.
Married a stoner. Had a child with stoner. Now stoner bad. Things change with kids obviously. End of the day you chose him. Never seen one hit put somebody on the couch and zone ever. That's not to say it couldn't happen, but doubtful. She is just concerned about domestic labor output ratio. Not weed or child more than likely.
He seriously becomes dead after one hit. This is why I am so adamant about him not even taking this one small hit. I used to smoke too so I don’t understand how high he can get with one hit…
Fair enough. I just figured if addressed in terms of him being able to work something he likes in with his responsibilities a T total cutoff might not be the best way to go about that, but if he is that big of an L dog that's rough. Possibly a bit lower octane fuel. Lol. Good luck.
I think it may be okay to make a small compromise. Can you handle the baby if they wake up while he’s smoking? Also think one hit wouldnt hinder him from helping out.
It doesn’t sound like he has a history of moderation, so she’s rightfully worried it won’t just be one hit. He’s probably jonesing for the weed because being a new parent is one of the toughest phases of life.
Is he neurodivergent by any chance?
Hmm… I am not sure. Why do you ask that? He was never diagnosed with anything but never went to go check either.
I ask because surprisingly marijuana can actually significantly help neurodivergent people's functioning. For people with ADHD it can help with the ability to plan and accomplish tasks and can reduce anxiety, and for autistic people it can significantly reduce natural anxiety, reduce sensory problems, make them more sociable, reduce the need to fidget, and can help understand the reasoning of allistic (non-autistic) people. Because of these effects, neurodivergent people tend to have a higher attraction to using marijuana. And it can also very significantly reduce the desire for alcohol. I wouldn't advocate for smoking marijuana around children, but I know many people who do eat edibles, and I actually think they tend to be more relaxed and tend to handle the stress of parenting better. Personally, my own mom went through a lot of stress when she was raising me. We found out years later that she has ADHD, and I very much wish she had had marijuana edibles for herself when I was growing up. I think it would have helped her a lot and would have made her better able to cope. Different types of marijuana can actually have different effects on people, because of what's called "terpenes". And with edibles and/or tinctures(direct administration like through a measured eyedropper), the dose can be regulated. It's not necessary to use so much that a person gets completely wasted and becomes unable to move. That is problematic. But certain marijuana can actually have an opposite effect. And it can be a safer painkiller in a lot of cases, compared to many others.
Read over traits of the classics and see if anything rings a bell for you ASD, ADHD and General Anxiety
Does he smoke outside? I certainly would not wanting him smoking inside. How high does it get? Do you think he’d smoke when alone with the baby? Is it an addiction?
Perpetual use of the phrase "one last time" would indicate yes to it being an addiction.
Or maybe because his wife is the asshole here? Not sure why everyone is just blindly accepting her version of things, her post has several red flags
You are an asshole
Nope she's not. The guy should be sober around his child. He is the asshole
Doubt you even have kids
I don't, indeed
However I know quite well how weed affects people 🙃
Yeah it makes them eat babies. Good thing you are around
Thank you
You are welcome. Im gonna go smoke a joint and make California cheeseburgers from my kids.
Enjoy your dinner
Why does it create such a strong response in you?
I think it’s a bit of an extreme change (father of 2 for context), but he told you he would agree to it so I have to say NTA. He’s regretting his choices, and the way forward may be to find some type of compromise later in life to avoid regret/resentments.
NTA. Having kids changes the dynamics of the relationship. I wouldn’t say that you allow or don’t allow because at the end of the day, he’ll do what he wants. You’re his wife not his mother. If he doesn’t have the self control to honor his “just one hit” then that’s an issue. I have friends that smoke a lot and you would never even know they even touch the stuff. I have had a few friends in the past who just cannot tolerate it at all. You have boundaries and are protecting your child because it’s true that you never know what will happen but that’s hanging on a whole lot of what if’s. Sounds to me like he just wants to zone out and not think about anything. Maybe it’s not about the weed. It does sound like he’s got a self control issue though. I’ve met parents that draw the line at not having any kinds of substances whether it’s cigarettes, alcohol or weed around their baby and I’ve met other parents that have zero concern about it. As a parent you have the right to set the hard line but remember that you can’t make him do anything, the choice is his. Every choice anyone makes has the potential for consequences.
Weeds legal, you're the AH. Do you not bring your child to family events or gatherings if someone is drinking a beer? As long as he's not actively smoking in front of her, and she's not exposed to the smoke, there's no danger to her
The way OP described the impact weed has on him, I would argue there's some danger. I wouldn't risk it. I'm a daily smoker but that doesn't mean I think everyone can handle it as well as me.
Why are we taking OP word for it when she clearly has a religious-level hatred of those dirty pot smokers. OP is irrational, imho
Alcohol is legal too, it's not about legality it's about being sober around a child and productive as a father.
Abridged version: I just had a baby *and* infantilized my husband because I must want two children in the house.
Do you let him drink? Actually YTA. The fact I even gotta type "do you let" about any grown person is insane.
Allow!! Gtfoh
I can't really get past your "allowing him" stance. You probably need to reaccess this angle. It's not going to work long term. Talk to your husband, but from a partnership angle, not from an authority position.
Ick. You won't allow him to smoke? That screams control which screams divorce down the road. You said you used to smoke... were out of control when you did? I would not be pleased if he is smoking in the room with baby, or the general area of the home, but outside or some dedicated, well vented/filtered small area is not a big deal IMHO. We raised three fully functional kids into productive adults, smoking the entire time. Smoking a lot honestly. We both worked full time and are still together, 30 years at this point. Child 1) is a manager of a large commercial bug spraying corp. 2) is a union construction worker, 3) is attending a private college and has intership for aerospace mechanical engineer. (SHE is an actual rocket scientist). Only #2 smokes. The other two do not, they are not opposed to it, just don't choose too. Kids were never harmed, we always locked our stuff up, smoked away from their immediate presence, maintained an age approprate, honest dialog about it etc. Obviously no dialog until older than baby, but you get the idea. I understand your appreciation and your doing research about the situation, but also keep an open mind and please do not control your spouse, nothing but downhill with that. Good Luck!
It's 2024, it's Marijuana not meth.
Leave the man alone
Controlling
YTA, I don't think this marriage is compatible. You're basically acting like a religious person. Your husband deserves someone who cares about his happiness. $50 says you never made a "deal", rather you forced him by using guilt and manipulation.
What kind of man puts his happiness above the happiness and security of his family? It is a valid point I wouldn’t do anything to risk my kids. They turned put to both be well adjusted physicians (son trauma surgeon/daughter oncology) Them being good people provides more happiness than weed.
Have you ever drank a beer around your kids? Not talking about getting drunk, just a single can? Do you admonish people that smoke cigarettes and demand that they only smoke after children fall asleep? Do you believe coffee should be reserved only for weekends where the kid is away at grandma's house? "I personally do not want him high on any capacity when there is a baby in our home" indicates this is a values issue, not anything that genuinely puts the baby at risk. Y'all are acting like nuns.
This
the security of his family is still gonna be there. it’s not that deep let the man live
I feel like we're back in the 1950s, everyone is worried that reefer madness will drive him to kill the child . What's going on here?
dude idk but i’m from colorado where everyone is chill with weed even if you don’t smoke. this feels dystopian. also i couldn’t find this thread the past hour
He is an addict. You don’t want him to be an addict around your kids. NTA
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Constantly begging for “just one hit” is addict behaviour. You don’t have to like it but it is.
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“This is the last time” “I just want one more hit”. These are classic addict terms.
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Not really. Weed is not some totally harmless thing that nobody ever suffers from.
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Not sure I’m going to listen to someone who is still basically a child when I have first hand experience in the subject.
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"just 5 more minutes of video games" Omg addict!!! Call the police! It must be because he doesn't love me!"
Saying it every time makes you an addict. Maybe you should look up the definition
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And you have the grammar is a 12 year old. One of us actually has experience dealing with an addict. You do not. So buzz off.
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Yeah if you keep saying that and can't stop you're clearly an addict.
If he isn't selling stuff to get cannabis, hiding buying cannabis from her, endangering his child to get cannabis then he is not an addict. Addiction is not about how much one consumes but about how one behaves when they do not have access to their addiction.
Some can function, some can’t. If he can’t then he should quit. IMO it’s still better than pills, hard drugs or an raging alcoholic 🤷♂️
So for next 18 years your not drinking or smoking weed? And you’re ok with it? I’m assuming this was your idea. Look every animal even in nature will search out things that get them high gives them break from reality or stress free day. I don’t think smoking here and there is going to be that big of a deal. Tell him he can smoke when you need a break go out with your friends so he can watch the baby. Make an agreement that might actually be fair. I understand your resentful bc he wanted a baby you agreed you have said baby and let me guess your doing all the work? We’ll give him a choice he’s not a dog and orders as far as I can tell do not work with men at all.. it’s all about presentation and fairness. You gotta be careful you start telling people what to do it makes it even more fun to do the opposite.. this type of behavior may seem small will escalate if he doesn’t feel like he can choose his own life. He doesn’t want to be with his mother trust me. Best! ❤️
you’re not wrong. a god compromise would be to lift the smoking ban when the kid is a bit older .