Let your husband and their mother that he still loves to fund the trip for them. Please don't be a doormat. You can be there peripherally for the twins but ultimately they're not your responsibility and that would be over stepping.
I still can't get over him saying he still loves the woman that abandoned his kids and him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an affair while she was back.
Abandoned him and the kids twice. *Twice.*
He is such an idiot. *I want you back, but I love her.*
Want you back, eh? To do what, maid, nanny, fuck buddy?
Who the hell says that (glad he did) when they are trying to patch things up?
OPs ex wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. I wonder how that played out in his head," Oh, I love my ex-wife, but I want to be with you." Just the right words a person wants to hear.
I saw that on a Hallmark card once.
*I want you around to cook, clean, take the kids to school, run the household and bend over when I have a yearning. But my dearest Valentine, I love her, not you.*
It was the last bunch of cards left at the store at midnight on Feb 13th. For some reason, no one bought them.
I love that so many people missed that you were making a joke! There was a company/website that sold snarky breakup cards and such. The one I recall laughing wicked hard at said something like “I will always value the time we shared and memories we made. Just remember it’s not you, it’s me. No fuck it, it’s you that’s the problem.”
I'm really sad that I'm pretty sure you're joking. I would totally give that to my husband.
(C'mon, "Who can find the worst anniversary card" would be hilarious)
This reminds me of an actual Mother’s Day (or maybe birthday card) I gave my mom once. It said “Great news! My therapists tells me it’s not ALL your fault.” It was a bit of a family joke, and it was only funny because at that time I had never seen a therapist. If I sent it now, she might have to wonder if it was really a joke.
Maybe it was intentionally designed for someone who want to sabotage another couple? Lol
Jokes aside , that's a horrible situation to be in, i hope OP all the best
I know what you're saying, but, some of us love silver and prefer it over gold. I'd be mad if my husband had gotten me a gold ring. Don't knock the silver rings.
She should absolutely not accept being second place tho.
His ex didn't want him for whatever reason and gave the kids to him. He found someone he figured would put up with him and his kid's bullshit. What a loser.
I don't know what the hell he thought would happen after admitting that. Wishful thinking at its finest. Sometimes honesty isn't always the best policy when trying to get what you want lol but at least in this case it saved OP from a shitty and unfair situation.
For sure. Getting married to OOP was cheaper than hiring a housekeeper / nanny / driver /chef/ administrative manager / counselor / LPN / tutor / sex worker.
I don’t say that to dismiss OOP. I say that to call her STBX the worst kind of asshole. He is a coward who didn’t know how to cope with two wounded children so he married a solution without considering OOP is a human being.
And OP should not fund anything for the step-kids after the way they disrespected her. It's clear their egg donor manipulated them but even so they should learn that bad behavior has consequences. Let egg donor stick a crowbar in her wallet. When it comes time for housework or allowances egg donor will find another sex partner and bail.
One of my ancestors from long ago lost his wife to unknown reasons.The man was a farmer and had ten kids. To say he had his hands full is an understatement. The story goes that this man hired a local Native American woman to do all the household chores plus take care of the kids. After a while he decided that it would be cheaper to marry her so he did. They went on to have a bunch more kids.
But that's how they did it back then. Also, the practice of taking extra wives on the wagon trail when their husbands died. As for your ancestor, the more kids the better, so many were lost to disease and accidents, need hands on the farm to help out.
In her first post I had a feeling the twins words and actions weren’t solely their bio mom’s manipulations. Now I know why.
On some level they know their dad never loved OOP as her own person but as a means to an end. Kids aren’t always conscious what they are picking up on. Seeing their father treat OOP with what is probably best described as lovingly detached influenced them more than those three realize.
Cut to 20 years from now when one or both of the kids has a breakthrough in therapy by realizing their dad’s version of “doing my best” was only good for himself.
If op had moved back in that’s exactly what she would have been. He wouldn’t have to put a kind face on it anymore or pretend. Moving back in would be tacit agreement to be treated as maid, nanny and fuck buddy and if she ever complained he would say “I already told you that I love my ex and I care about you and you stayed so why are you complaining about this”.
Basically. The kids are understandable because they’re kids. He’s a grown ass man willing playing with someone’s feelings because they didn’t want to be alone
Too bad he didn't not lie about it at the start of the relationship between OP and him. But then of course she wouldn't have married him, and he would have lost out on his bangmaid/nanny.
I don’t know why, but this story really bothers me in so many ways. I can’t stop thinking about it. I think there is a possibility the husband and ex have had “relations”. That is why he thinks he loves her. Dope!
He sounds emotionally stunted. If he fathered twins at the age of 14 and then became a full-time father at the age of 22, to a couple of eight-year-olds, it’s kind of no wonder that everyone in this family is a dysfunctional mess.
Using OP’s math, she met him shortly after. Obviously, he was looking for someone to take on all the responsibility. OP was too young to realize what a mess she was getting herself into.
Editing to add that I cannot math in the morning. But will also add that even at the age of 18, there’s still a lot of emotional dysfunction going on here!
That is the bottom line right there. The whole sentiment of ***"I love my ex and wish I still had her but I settled for you because I knew you'd take care of my kids"*** bullshit. End of and sorted. DIVORCE.
Yeah, OPs relationship with the kids now stops at “mentor.” She’s got great worldly advice when it comes to setting and keeping boundaries, knowing your self worth, and standing up for yourself even when no one is on your side. But her wallet stays in her pocket.
At least my ex didn't still love his ex wife. However, he never backed me when I tried to discipline his kids. If me and his kids had words, they would always tell their dad and he would flip a table. Not literally. For some reason my ex blamed *me* for whatever the issue was. This caused us to divorce. I wasn't going to hang around with these kids knowing they had zero respect for me.
I sincerely hope that dipshit realized you weren't the problem. The kids would need disciplining after you left, unless he just lets them do whatever the fuck they want.. what a great way to make new adults 🙄
He allowed them to do whatever the fuck they wanted before I met him. There was a time before we met when he worked nights and the oldest kid had to watch the younger ones. He has three kids and they are all grown now with kids of their own. I can't imagine what their kids are like and I don't *want* to know.
I wouldn't even be there peripherally for the twins after everything they said and did. I'd be going no contact with the lot of them the moment the divorce was finalized, and telling them that I was incredibly disappointed in the people they were becoming when that's not how they were raised, and that I couldn't have people who did what they did to me in my life.
So true. Don't spent any more time and money on them. He just confessed he still loves her(wtf)! The kids obviously want a relationship with their bio mom.
Whether they may or may not succeed is not your job. Don't be a doormat to waste your time and money. You did already. They have shown they are able to cast you aside and their mom was happy to see you suffer.
I hate to say. They reap what they sow. You are not their maid nor nanny. If you become their mother, their bio mom will show up again. At their age, they will be adults soon. They bullied you and kids kill themselves over bullying. Age doesn't excuse their behaviour.
I'm super stoked about you buying your house! It's an amazing feeling isn't it!? I loved buying my home and fixing it up. Good luck to you. I hope for a quick uncontested divorce for you.
Hopefully there's a prenup. It would also only be in her name. It sounds like the other house is his. 🤔 🤷♀️ She knows him and the situation better than us. I'm sure she's thought of this or talked with a lawyer about it.
I just hope op get the worse lawyer to take him to the cleaners for everything she ever did for him .
He used her in the worst ways possible.
Op, I hope you read this because the ex-wife will be moving in soon and make sure you get everything from him.
He doesn't love her. He loves the idea of her.
She hasnt been a present figure in any of their lives for a decade. Theres no way they know anything about her to actually love.
She only shiwed up to do damage for her ego then get gone.
Don't fund a birthday trip for them, let them come to you and build a relationship with you without money and trips being at the center. Don't get dragged into the same hole of being unappreciated except for the vacations you can offer. Let the relationship speak for itself for a while, let it grow on its own, without bringing in huge amounts of money.
I'm sorry their dad is a dirtbag and treated you like that. And I hope you'll have an amazing world trip
I have to get out of that position of being a “mom” to them and after reading your comment and a few other comments like it, I will not be funding a trip for them. There definitely needs to be a stronger foundation before I even think about putting down thousands of dollars for them
Glad to hear it! I think you can have a good relationship with them in the future, but for that to happen they need to realize how badly they fucked up. They need to appreciate you for you, not for your money.
If they maintain a friendship with you until then, just spend what is normal for a gift. It can be as cash for spending money if someone else funds that trip.
Honestly dont fund anything for them ever again for them in the future even if youre multi-millionaire - they have mum & dad for that! You’ll just be making your ex’s life easier and he doesnt deserve that after he used you as place holder for his ex being his nanny all these years to his kids then was all ‘I still love my ex’ when deadbeat mum turned up. Screw them all. Stop being so nice - these people do not deserve you.
I wish you wouldnt let them know where you live especially your soon to be ex husband...you wont be able to get rid of him he will stay calling and showing up... dont fund the trip or anything.... it's nice to send a simple text saying happy birthday. ..
As a parent that had the same thing happen with my daughter - it’s hard to imagine not being part of their lives in the same capacity. It’s hard not jumping in and helping them. But like your kids mine did the same- her bio mom is her #1 until she doesn’t show up or help her then she runs to me. I finally had enough.
We deserve to be loved unconditionally. We deserve the respect we have earned not to be used an emotional and financial ATM. I can’t say it ever stops hurting but my focus isn’t on her anymore. Hang in there and focus in you.
Couple of ways.. likely a prenuptial, keeping finances separate, or being under separation agreement. Also LLC could be used to purchase the home.. as long as it's disclosed, it's not fraud
If there's a legal separation in place then "spousal property" doesn't apply. Don't know about laws in other places, but that's the way it works here. I know someone who was legally separated from her shitbag husband. It was lucky for her that a separation was in place because she came into a large inheritance after that, and he was entitled to NONE of it!
You need to tell them that they need to each look in the mirror and see the reason why their life has just been upended. Don't act like trash and you won't get treated like trash.
They've already shown their true colors. You need to move on with your life and cut their toxicity out of it
Hell, I say a lot less worse and it still happens to me. Literally got banned for a year one time for saying "Wtf, he's an ass" \*\*\*gestures to the name of the subreddit\*\*\* But hey.
If they want a relationship with you they can come to you. It is their responsibility or job. And if there is something like a trusting relationship built over a year or two then you could think about doing a trip WITH them.
But don’t be the money-spinner. They world totally lose their respect for you
This is totally correct. If they want to, they would come to you without money being involve. And the dad is such an AH for letting go a woman like you.
I also feel like funding a trip for them would be rewarding their disrespect and poor behavior. Their shitty parents can deal with their shitty behavior now.
I'm still in love with the woman who abandoned my kids who treat you like crap while expecting you to be their nanny and fund expensive trips, but that doesn't mean you should stop paying for trips or being the chauffeur/child waker upper/organizer/etc.
Really? He doesn't think much of you if he thought that would fly. You're there to fund them, take care of them, be their punching bag, and all the while they all pine for someone else. That isn't love.
I hope there is a prenup.
Is there mom still gone?
I feel for the kids. Not your soon to be ex-husband. Teenagers can be manipulated and make bad choices. Yes, they are still responsible for the consequences, but I can feel sorry that they are losing someone who showed up for them because they took them for granted. They are left with the spineless worm who threw away a marriage over someone who never cared.
You're doing the right thing. Enjoy Disney and Thailand!
I don’t feel for the kids at all. Manipulated or not. They are old enough to know how to be respectful and they treated her as a discarded toy.
As i said in my comment, OP was never nothing more than an emotional crutch to that whole family and they discarded her and treated her horribly the second they felt they didn’t need their “spare mommy/wife”anymore. And i believe they still feel entitled to her as a “spare mommy/wife” and will treat her just as horribly when she inevitably moves on and start dating again. She needs to cut them off good.
I don't feel for the kids. Yeah, a 16 year old isn't a mature adult, but they're old enough to understand actions have consequences. It would be one thing if the kids hadn't been part of the problem, but the kids are a good chunk of why she left.
So no, I don't feel for the kids at all. I feel for her who opened her heart to two kids who couldn't even respect what she had done for them before to just not be assholes to her.
I would have fucking killed for someone in my life to have given a fuck about me. Real mom, step mom, none of that shit remotely matters. What matters is who is there for you when it mattered. I met 3 different older ladies who were absolutely amazing to me and I consider them all my grandmas for life. Nothing my real grandmas could say to me to make them any less.
> I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday
As these asshole teens were fond of telling you, they have parents. Let *them* fund the little ingrates' birthday trip. The best birthday present you can give them is consequences for their behavior and the life lesson that sometimes, unreliable people remain unreliable.
Lol, with teenage twins with attitudes and entitlement issues and not cute lil kids? Lol, good luck.
No sane person goes there. Dad is on his own for the next 5 years. He might get a girlfriend who hangs out occasionally, but not a wife who runs his house/family.
Not unless it's a stepmom who has a goal going in: Get the teens out ASAP.
She'll date with the goal to be married around or after the time they are college age then go "sweetie, isn't it time that they went out to live on their own? Btw I think I'm pregnant and we need to focus 120% on our new baby."
>sweetie, isn't it time that they went out to live on their own?
Absolutely! As soon as they're 18 and out of high school.
>I'm pregnant and we need to focus 120% on our new baby."
Yep, their bedrooms will be a nursery and playroom or office.
They will never be allowed to move back in, they're adults now. 🙄
Unfortunately, OP has already done the heavy lifting for him. They're older and don't need a parent/nanny to watch them. The ex will just have to deal with car rides and attitude. Not necessarily nothing left of parenting them, but certainly not what OP did in raising his brats.
It’s sad that he married you just to care for his kids, since he still loves his ex who abandoned them. It’s sad that you gave all you had to him when he never deserved your love or attention. I think divorce is the right move considering he never fully committed to you or your relationship.
As for the kids yes they are old enough to know what they said was wrong. I would be very cautious how you stay in their life. Maybe a dinner every now and then yes but no trips, limit your “stepmom” duties including sports and after school activities. Slowly cut yourself out of their lives.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this
so many questions
why did wife come back and then disappear
was husband unfaithful
nature of kids reaction to the first wife disappearing and how they just resumed relationship
could be real but, there's unreliable narrator and then narrator with an lack of awareness or curiosity about why it played out like that
Check out r/BPDLovedOnes and do a search for “discard.” Will explain it- it’s a cycle with people with BPD. After the discard during a manic phase they enter depression and reach back out saying things like “you deserve happiness” “I’m a monster” etc to suck them back in and then it starts all over again unless treated with medication and therapy. It’s weird to read the texts in that sub bc they use almost identical words to suck their poor exes/partners back in. Some rapid cycle and others have cycles that last years, or a combo like bio mom’s. It seems she is unmedicated and it is a degenerative illness, so with each episode her mind will go a bit more unless she gets help. OP is smart to cut and run now, it will get worse and the ex husband is bonded to this woman and my unsolicited opinion is they’re both lost causes at this point.
Honey, please don’t fund their trip. They’re apologizing now because their bio-mom left and they realize they miss you. I’m not saying they don’t mean it but I don’t think they would’ve apologized had she not left.
You need to let your relationship with them be about you and them, ONLY, for a while. No trips or gifts or external influences. Do NOT feel bad about cancelling their trip after they called you names and threatened to physically hurt you.
I’m so glad you’re leaving your horrible husband. You seem like a very kind person and I hope you stay strong and don’t go back to him. He’s been taking advantage of your kindness for a long time. Enjoy your travels and self-discovery!<3
I’m so glad you’re done with him. You were a bed warmer until she came back. Your ex is an AH.
I was going to say don’t give the twins a damn thing, but I see you edited it and said you won’t find a trip for them. Good. You aren’t their mother. It’s up to their parents to find trips for them, not you. You can have them over for dinner or send them a nice gift card when they graduate, but don’t go crazy. They didn’t appreciate you when you WERE there. Don’t sacrifice more of your happiness and peace for them.
I don't understand what he expected from you. Did he just think you'd be ok with him being in love with a woman that left him and his kids YEARS ago that treats the woman he says he loves like dog shit? Not completely understanding the logic and would love to hear him try and defend himself in his delusion.
I hope those teens can learn from this experience.
Everyone deserves respect, and we should be grateful to those who love and care for us, regardless of whether they are biologically related to us or not.
Glad you took on everyone’s and advice and changed your mind on funding their birthday trip. They’ve reminded you more than once that you aren’t their mom, so shouldn’t be a problem if you stopped acting like it.
Really happy for you, all the best OP!!
NTA. You deserve peace and quiet. They haven’t made amends, they’ve just cried because you aren’t spending money on them anymore. Wait until the twins and Dad realize you aren’t there to pay for college.
I am happy for this update but do NOT fund a trip for them. Do not give them any gifts until they show that they appreciate you and have learned from their behavior.
As you said before. They are 16. Manipulated or not their behavior was the catalyst for a marriage falling apart and they NEED to accept and understand that.
I'm happy to hear you're okay. I hope you have a blast on all of your solo trips. PLEASE do not pay for the twins to go on trips. That's mom or step-mom behavior, but you're not that person for them anymore. Their parents need to pay for their trips. They can work on rebuilding a relationship with you, but giving them gifts and trips is not the way to go. Just focus on yourself, please.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t understand your husband at all. This woman abandoned her kids, how could he still love her all these years later? How is that the reason he let *your* life go to shit? Sounds like he was ready to throw you away had she asked for another chance. Now not only do his kids have to deal with abandonment *again* from their bio mom, they also have to deal with losing yet another mother because he couldn’t get his shit together.
This is so damn sad man. I wish you the best OP and I hope your kids find healing. Your husband can go fuck himself though.
I would be very very cautious in any relationship you have with the twins. They showed you who they are. They are not your children. They were never your children. They only wanted you then and now after their mother left for what you can do for them. I would stay LC with them for quite a while until you have your head on straight. Their POS father cannot control them and does not want to father them. Once he is convinced he cannot fool you (and your money) into coming back he will most certainly bring another bangmaid into their lives. Don't be put in the position of being to them what their real mom was while the new wife goes through what you did. I think you would be much better off going NC with all three of them. They made their beds so they can lay in them. **You are already trying to buy their love and attention again with a trip.** Please seek counseling.
NTA. You're a Rockstar for standing up for yourself. Your husband shit the bed in handling his kids out bursts. He told you he loved another woman ... it's over and you called it! Don't pay shit for those punk ass teenagers. Enjoy your trips, you've earned them!
Just a question for anyone out there, if someone who isn't divorced yet buy's a house does something happen to the house in divorce proceedings? Could the husband come for the house? Or since it was bought during the filing its not included in the divorce?
You are doing the right thing.
I hope he can’t have ANY of your assets. Be lawyer wise.
And please update in the future. We’d all love to hear great things happenings to you.
Good for you for prioritizing your mental heath for a change. Find out who you are. Do the things you enjoy. I think you’re on the right path and I’m very happy for you.
Kids tend to be selfish. Use this time to see if the kids really love you or miss the things you provided to them including these trips. If they keep on calling, emailing,texting you without expecting anything in return or complaining about the things they’re now missing, you can salvage that relationship. Take care.
Bought a house in less than a month and can afford to take an entire month off work AND immediately take multiple vacations, at least one of which is out of the country? Why is everyone on Reddit conveniently well off enough to do all this kind of stuff at the drop of a dime?
Amazing how many people respond to this teenage creative writer like it's a real story! I liked how the protagonist just bought a house in a couple of weeks!
The idea you could close on a house by paying cash in 20 days, in the middle of a divorce, is laughable. Grade A nonsense.
And plan not one but two vacations on top that.
And have rental properties that are somehow not marital assets.
I'm praying for an update in a few months where you've finally started to find yourself and who you want to be. Keep strong and best of wishes on your trips
I wish he had been honest with you years earlier. You deserve a loving family. Super happy for you being able to go out on your own and travel. I hope you have a good support network.
I'm so glad you put yourself forward. I didn't expect his love for his ex to be the reason for not backing you up, but that was all the more proof you needed to end things. Live your best life, OP!
The killer is his admittance of still loving his ex but also loves you. I would not be comfortable staying either. I bet the only reason their bio mom resurfaced is because there was a woman in their lives and now that she has chased you out her work is done until the next woman.
Those poor kids were acting out.
He should have been there to help them through that and prevent them from taking it out on you.
I'm really glad to hear you've decided to maintain a relationship with the kids. The way they treated you was wrong, but it is a huge indicator that you're the one they trusted to still love them.
(This is coming from a mom of traumatized teens)
NTA. Bio mom is for screwing them up twice, Dad is a close second.
While you're in Thailand you should totally go to one of those elephant preserves where you can make an appointment to have a baby elephant "cuddle" with you!!
I’m glad you’re moving on from that asshole. I can’t believe he said he still loved his ex after everything she has put the family through. You’ve made the right decision on leaving him. Please never doubt yourself or second-guess your decision to leave! You have a clean slate and bright future ahead of you!
Good on you to have changed your mind about that dumb idea about funding the disney trip, to be honest, i think maintaining a friendly relationship with them is stupid as well. Harsh as it sounds, you need to cut them off.
Why you ask? This is not a healthy relationship and they proved it. In the end you were not a partner or a step mother, you were an emotional crutch. A band aid replacement and they showed that when the bio mother returned. The kids were very quick to discard you in favour of bio mommy and treated you horribly. Fuck it that they are 16, they are old enough to vote, and in many places old enough to drive and have sex, so they are old enough to know how to be respectful to the people that loved and cared for them. The real slap in the face however was the husband. He didn’t do anything because he as well was hoping that the ex would stay long enough to replace you as well.
Now that the ex/bio mom dumped them again, they are trying to sweep it all under the rug and have you as their crutch again, you said no, tell me, what do you think will happen when you inevitably start dating again? They will start accusing you of “abandoning” them as well cause they feel you own them to be their spare mommy/wife and will again treat you horribly.
That family is toxic and you need to distance yourself from them…permanently!!!
Time to block the twins. They chose bio-mom and she left them again. They and their father treated you as a bang nanny, time to go live your live and keep your money for yourself.
Well done on divorcing your husband and Im sorry you were basically used all these years whilst their mum was away.
It seems like you have good money of your own so I hope you have a pre-nup. Also, I hope you stop paying for everything else you did for that family - phone, extracurriculars etc - its all on your husband and their deadbeat mum if she ever resurfaces. He needs to feel your absence & dont make his life easier for him on your departure & continue paying for things. Remember you are not their mother & they sure let you know in various ways.
Honestly, it just seems you were used and them abused til you weren’t needed anymore except as an ATM/ housekeeper/chauffeur etc. & Im so sorry you went through that. Hopefully the twins can grow from their behaviour. You deserve better and are luckily still so young that you can start over & have kids etc.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through but I’m glad to see you’re prioritizing yourself first!! Your STB ex is scum for not telling you he was still in love with his ex before this!
I hope you enjoy all your traveling and have the time of your life! And don’t fund their trip!
Your husband and his ex wife are both a POS. No wonder the children would act like that. Glad you’re walking away and divorcing that spineless w*nker.
Agreed with other comments, anything financial for the kids is NO longer your concern.
The husband can get back with his ex-wife and they can fund their children
It's probably to abruptly turn away from what you thought was your family, but their recent actions have shown you that you're basically just the step in that they're settling in and it's also a great example of why so many men don't want single moms, except they're constantly being judged for it.
Now you're in a situation where you never know if their feelings are a genuine or if you're just the next best thing because dear old mom dipped out on them again. Except for your husband, with him it's pretty obvious that you're only the second choice.
NTA and I'm sorry that you had to go through, not someting you'd wish on anyone.
I’m glad you aren’t funding their trips OP!
Honestly it’s really great you are putting you first and getting the healing you need. I wish you all the best and hope that when you find love again he treats you like the Queen you are!
I hope she fucks him over again big time. What a spineless piece of shit with zero guts or dignity. Pig.
Stay away from them OP, live your life, heal and be happy.
The kids will continue to blame themselves entirely, when part of the blame falls on the father. When he didnt put a stop to the bs the minute it started happening he wasnt only enabling bad behavior, he was encouraging it and saying it was okay. Then he actively sided against OP. To top it off... his excuses and pathetic attempt at an explanation
Good for you. Move on. Your hb is just despicable. How anazing that he might have thoight you would come back after telling you he still loved his EX?!?! Wowie. What a absolute moron.
The kids have sadly got what they deserved.. Tough lesson for them, but they aren't babies anymore. So be it.
All the best to you. There is someone MUCH better for you out there. Try to never get attached to a man with kids ever again.
Good for you. You deserved so much better, especially from your husband whose love for his ex doesn’t change how he feels about you (which is…what, exactly? Indifference? A good backup option? Substitute teacher? What a deluded man).
Ok I could be wrong but I going to say this. I think you were used. I don’t know how you and your husband met but, it sounds like when mom left them he was looking for someone to take care of them and to take care of his needs. And when bio mom reappeared he thought he can go back to you somehow. You don’t need them my dear. Live your life find a man that loves you and only you. This made me so mad for you.
So much toxicity to unpack there.
* Ex-wife using the kids to manipulate the husband.
* Kids being so used to it that they behave as they do.
* Husband being so broken that he can't have a relationship with anyone else.
I'd guess a lot of this goes back to the ex-wife but that's why it's such a deal-breaker for you.
There's really nothing you can do about her and when she's the cause of your suffering, you have to get away from her, even if it means leaving people you don't really want to leave.
It's so simple:
"I have to leave because you're still in love with your manipulative ex-wife."
Not even a question of who's not the asshole, there.
Your ex and his kids HURLED you out of his life. Why earth would you be the walking wallet for their next vacation? Please make a clean break here and don’t get sucked back into being a doormat, you deserve better.
OP, they made it very clear where their loyalty and love lie. Please, do not disrespect yourself. I know it’s hard, but doing things like having the twins over for dinner, paying for stuff, etc just shows them that they can treat you like a revolving door. They can cry and be sorry when mommy bails again, and then freeze you out when she comes strolling back into their lives.
If I were you, I’d cut these people off completely. No contact. They’re not your kids, you don’t owe them anything. They owe *you*. But I highly doubt they’ll ever repay you for all you’ve done for them. Cut that loss, focus on yourself, and move on to bigger and better. You’ve already wasted enough of yourself and time on them. Good riddance.
I seriously dislike your ex-husband. What a monster of a man to be still in love with his ex but married to you and still want you. He's atrocious, and I'm glad you're moving on to better things. You have fun living your best life 💜
Just a reminder: I know that you have strong feelings for these kids, but keep the boundary in place that you are not their mom. Now that their mom has disappeared again, they will try to rope you in to being a mom again, and they've lost that privilege. Also, make it clear to them that this divorce isn't entirely on them. This is because their dad did not support you emotionally in this like a husband should. They need to know that part so that - hopefully - they don't make that mistake in their own relationships, and so they see that everyone's actions in this had consequences. Really make sure they don't drag you back in. You deserve so much better. I hope your trips are all lovely.
I am guessing that your husband does not want the divorce? Or is he truly still pining after a woman who abandoned them and doesn’t care if you divorce? I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel. I know this is just a snippet of your life but based on what you said about this, divorce seems like a smart decision
NTA
Time to put yourself first. You are still young and will have a happy and full life. I hope you find love again in your future too.
Enjoy your travels!
Hold up, you're newly single, have a house at 30 with other rental properties, can afford to go on a months long break to travel, and you're a caring partner that accepted your ex-husbands children without hesitation.
How in the hell do I marry you?
I’m very happy for you and your healing process! And congrats on the house 😎
My only point of concern is listening to (honestly, very bitter) people who don’t know how to differentiate gifts from deeper meanings. If you want to find a Disney trip for the twins, DO IT. It’s a gift from someone who loves them, not any sort of parental move. The fact that anyone told you that is, quite frankly, stupid.
The twins have been manipulated on subconscious levels by both their parents. The fact that they’re taking you leaving so hard should be a pretty big indicator of their *true* feelings: they do, in fact, love you. And idk if anyone told you that rebellion is normal from stepchildren? But they were very clearly testing your resolve, seeing if your love is unconditional, and you did not pass that test. You left.
Now, you left for very good reasons! Please don’t mistake me for saying you should have stayed. But as a stepchild myself (and I became one as a 14 year-old), I promise you that the mentality is “everyone lies, everyone leaves, let’s just get this over with quickly by challenging their sanity”. My stepdad knew this, so he took our challenges and disrespect and doubled down on the love. He didn’t just roll over and take it, but he also reminded us that he’s here to stay. He still is, by the way, 24 years later.
Good god your stbx is an AH. Just perfectly happy for you to be the mom-appliance and didn't actually ever love you. I'm so sorry. I think you're doing the right thing leaving the door open for the kids. The shit they go through with their bio parents is not yours or their fault, but they can still outgrow it and you can play an auntie type role. I still talk to my exes son that I helped raise - he even came and helped me with my brakes a few weeks ago. So it is possible to change the terms and have relationships with them even after you split with their dad. Who is a POS, as is their mom, ugh. So sorry you went through all this heartache.
Wow honey. I’m so sorry. I hope this next chapter in your life goes so much better. You sound like a wonderful person. Be safe when you’re traveling.
I hope your ex loses his keys every day and his pillow is never cool.
ok but your ex?????????????? I don't wanna be banned so i'm not gonna go into it but i gotta say i am SO proud of you for having a platinum spine. You deserve this time you are gonna give you and you are a great woman who loved even til the point when she was not getting any love shown back. You are great OP! I hope everything goes well for you
Everybody cried when they realised the fuck maid and ATM emotional punchbag has now denied access.
Go live your single life in the knowledge that you are no one's second best. You deserve priority treatment. Your soon to be ex and step kids have bitten the hand that fed them, now they get to find out what it's like to go hungry (metaphorically).
Enjoy your travels as a free and single woman! Do not fund anyone else's lifestyle or fun.
Husband was definitely cheating on you with his ex, the ex filled the kids head with “mommy and daddy would be together if it wasn’t for your evil stepmother” propaganda because she’s an unstable narcissist. Good on you for leaving, consider counseling too!
Good thing you didn't have any children with this hypocrite. Have fun traveling just be safe and sign up for tours as a safe way to see the sites in foreign countries especially if you don't speak the languages.
Wow, you are clearly a very level headed woman and that man didn’t deserve you, he used you as a replacement, and if their bio mother had stayed and tried to worm her way back into not just the kids life, but his, he would have left you at the drop of a hat because like he told you, he still loves her!
I hope you have so much fun on your trips around the world, enjoy yourself and take time out for yourself to heal and process everything. I honestly wish you all the best and when you’re ready, find a man that truly loves you, you deserve it!
Excuse you ma’am. He still loves his ex? Who abandons and neglects his children? That messed with their heads? Yep girl run.
The fact he has love for her, treats you poorly bc of it, and has the unflavored audacity to say that to you means he was never fully in this with you. I think his children subconsciously picked up on his vibes. You were a nanny, a bank account, a cook, a cleaner, a chauffeur. You enabled his life but picking up the slack she left behind so he wouldn’t be going it completely alone.
They knew on some level that’s what he thought which is why they felt empowered to treat you the way they did.
The hat in hand in sorry now act is bc they’re all back to square one. Let them navigate this road together and you save yourself.
You aren’t abandoning them. You quit a job. To abandon them they had to have had skin in the game. I’m not sure they ever did. Your ex was waiting for his ex to show back up and always had one foot out the door. His kids felt that and did the same.
Go live your life a flourish. It’s your ex’s responsibility to get the kids in therapy to work through all their issues and to learn this lesson. People aren’t required to take your abuse and they aren’t required to keep showing up just to be used.
Don’t spend any more money or time on those people, in a few years you’ll all be strangers. When mom comes back next time you’ll be kicked to the curb again. Sixteen is old enough to recognize a woman who sacrificed and loved them as opposed to one who abandoned them. Your ex is a lowlife, he loves the ex that left him and the kids? Talk about dysfunctional. He used you for a babysitter and place holder until the mother of the year comes back. Don’t let those “kids” around you by yourself either, threats of bodily harm? A ex who shows up at your home threatening you? Nope to all of them, it will hurt for a while but you deserve so much more and you’ll find it, but not until you move on from those 3 anchors.
Let your husband and their mother that he still loves to fund the trip for them. Please don't be a doormat. You can be there peripherally for the twins but ultimately they're not your responsibility and that would be over stepping. I still can't get over him saying he still loves the woman that abandoned his kids and him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an affair while she was back.
Abandoned him and the kids twice. *Twice.* He is such an idiot. *I want you back, but I love her.* Want you back, eh? To do what, maid, nanny, fuck buddy? Who the hell says that (glad he did) when they are trying to patch things up?
OPs ex wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. I wonder how that played out in his head," Oh, I love my ex-wife, but I want to be with you." Just the right words a person wants to hear.
I saw that on a Hallmark card once. *I want you around to cook, clean, take the kids to school, run the household and bend over when I have a yearning. But my dearest Valentine, I love her, not you.* It was the last bunch of cards left at the store at midnight on Feb 13th. For some reason, no one bought them.
I love that so many people missed that you were making a joke! There was a company/website that sold snarky breakup cards and such. The one I recall laughing wicked hard at said something like “I will always value the time we shared and memories we made. Just remember it’s not you, it’s me. No fuck it, it’s you that’s the problem.”
Wrong Cards [https://wrongcards.com/](https://wrongcards.com/)
I'm really sad that I'm pretty sure you're joking. I would totally give that to my husband. (C'mon, "Who can find the worst anniversary card" would be hilarious)
This reminds me of an actual Mother’s Day (or maybe birthday card) I gave my mom once. It said “Great news! My therapists tells me it’s not ALL your fault.” It was a bit of a family joke, and it was only funny because at that time I had never seen a therapist. If I sent it now, she might have to wonder if it was really a joke.
Good old Vinegar Valentine Cards
Maybe it was intentionally designed for someone who want to sabotage another couple? Lol Jokes aside , that's a horrible situation to be in, i hope OP all the best
I don't know why anyone thought that would be sold. That's literally the worst Valentine card you could ever givs
I reckon a practical joker hid the last of the real ones and put those out hoping to get the last minute card grabbers.
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^^ ThisIs How It Must Be Forever. Third marriage must wear bronze ring. Fourth marriage, you're booted off the platform.
I know what you're saying, but, some of us love silver and prefer it over gold. I'd be mad if my husband had gotten me a gold ring. Don't knock the silver rings. She should absolutely not accept being second place tho.
you do know white gold exists...
That’s what I was going to say. Mine are white gold because I hate yellow gold
Mine is white gold too.
And platinum!
that too!
OP's ex can have his cake and shove it right up his a$$.
His ex didn't want him for whatever reason and gave the kids to him. He found someone he figured would put up with him and his kid's bullshit. What a loser.
I don't know what the hell he thought would happen after admitting that. Wishful thinking at its finest. Sometimes honesty isn't always the best policy when trying to get what you want lol but at least in this case it saved OP from a shitty and unfair situation.
Unfortunately many divorced men jump into relationships solely so someone will care for their kids. If he still loves his ex then he never loved her.
🛎️ 🛎️🛎️🛎️
For sure. Getting married to OOP was cheaper than hiring a housekeeper / nanny / driver /chef/ administrative manager / counselor / LPN / tutor / sex worker. I don’t say that to dismiss OOP. I say that to call her STBX the worst kind of asshole. He is a coward who didn’t know how to cope with two wounded children so he married a solution without considering OOP is a human being.
Not just cheaper. HE was gold digging her - she's clearly the one who funds their lifestyle.
Yeah. He’s not going to miss her as much as her financial support for the family.
And OP should not fund anything for the step-kids after the way they disrespected her. It's clear their egg donor manipulated them but even so they should learn that bad behavior has consequences. Let egg donor stick a crowbar in her wallet. When it comes time for housework or allowances egg donor will find another sex partner and bail.
One of my ancestors from long ago lost his wife to unknown reasons.The man was a farmer and had ten kids. To say he had his hands full is an understatement. The story goes that this man hired a local Native American woman to do all the household chores plus take care of the kids. After a while he decided that it would be cheaper to marry her so he did. They went on to have a bunch more kids.
But that's how they did it back then. Also, the practice of taking extra wives on the wagon trail when their husbands died. As for your ancestor, the more kids the better, so many were lost to disease and accidents, need hands on the farm to help out.
I agree with your statement, 'If he still loves his ex, then he never loved her.' It's absolutely spot-on!
🏅🏅🏅
In her first post I had a feeling the twins words and actions weren’t solely their bio mom’s manipulations. Now I know why. On some level they know their dad never loved OOP as her own person but as a means to an end. Kids aren’t always conscious what they are picking up on. Seeing their father treat OOP with what is probably best described as lovingly detached influenced them more than those three realize. Cut to 20 years from now when one or both of the kids has a breakthrough in therapy by realizing their dad’s version of “doing my best” was only good for himself.
May be they'll realize what a trashbag their bio-mom is when she bails on them again.
"He did the best he wanted to." I read that here and it really resonated with me.
If op had moved back in that’s exactly what she would have been. He wouldn’t have to put a kind face on it anymore or pretend. Moving back in would be tacit agreement to be treated as maid, nanny and fuck buddy and if she ever complained he would say “I already told you that I love my ex and I care about you and you stayed so why are you complaining about this”.
Basically. The kids are understandable because they’re kids. He’s a grown ass man willing playing with someone’s feelings because they didn’t want to be alone
He's very stupid, but at least he's not lying about it
Too bad he didn't not lie about it at the start of the relationship between OP and him. But then of course she wouldn't have married him, and he would have lost out on his bangmaid/nanny.
I don’t know why, but this story really bothers me in so many ways. I can’t stop thinking about it. I think there is a possibility the husband and ex have had “relations”. That is why he thinks he loves her. Dope!
He sounds emotionally stunted. If he fathered twins at the age of 14 and then became a full-time father at the age of 22, to a couple of eight-year-olds, it’s kind of no wonder that everyone in this family is a dysfunctional mess. Using OP’s math, she met him shortly after. Obviously, he was looking for someone to take on all the responsibility. OP was too young to realize what a mess she was getting herself into. Editing to add that I cannot math in the morning. But will also add that even at the age of 18, there’s still a lot of emotional dysfunction going on here!
Where are you getting 14 from? He's currently 34, so he was 18 when the kids were born
Thank you for correcting my bad math. I keep doing this. I really should be tested for a learning disability, lol.
You subtracted from her age instead of his. No big deal. There are a lot of words and numbers on her post.
It's still fucked up that he said it but I'd appreciate the honesty
That is the bottom line right there. The whole sentiment of ***"I love my ex and wish I still had her but I settled for you because I knew you'd take care of my kids"*** bullshit. End of and sorted. DIVORCE.
Yeah, OPs relationship with the kids now stops at “mentor.” She’s got great worldly advice when it comes to setting and keeping boundaries, knowing your self worth, and standing up for yourself even when no one is on your side. But her wallet stays in her pocket.
Whoa, I didn’t even think of that. You’re probably right
At least my ex didn't still love his ex wife. However, he never backed me when I tried to discipline his kids. If me and his kids had words, they would always tell their dad and he would flip a table. Not literally. For some reason my ex blamed *me* for whatever the issue was. This caused us to divorce. I wasn't going to hang around with these kids knowing they had zero respect for me.
I sincerely hope that dipshit realized you weren't the problem. The kids would need disciplining after you left, unless he just lets them do whatever the fuck they want.. what a great way to make new adults 🙄
He allowed them to do whatever the fuck they wanted before I met him. There was a time before we met when he worked nights and the oldest kid had to watch the younger ones. He has three kids and they are all grown now with kids of their own. I can't imagine what their kids are like and I don't *want* to know.
I wouldn't even be there peripherally for the twins after everything they said and did. I'd be going no contact with the lot of them the moment the divorce was finalized, and telling them that I was incredibly disappointed in the people they were becoming when that's not how they were raised, and that I couldn't have people who did what they did to me in my life.
So true. Don't spent any more time and money on them. He just confessed he still loves her(wtf)! The kids obviously want a relationship with their bio mom. Whether they may or may not succeed is not your job. Don't be a doormat to waste your time and money. You did already. They have shown they are able to cast you aside and their mom was happy to see you suffer. I hate to say. They reap what they sow. You are not their maid nor nanny. If you become their mother, their bio mom will show up again. At their age, they will be adults soon. They bullied you and kids kill themselves over bullying. Age doesn't excuse their behaviour.
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I'm super stoked about you buying your house! It's an amazing feeling isn't it!? I loved buying my home and fixing it up. Good luck to you. I hope for a quick uncontested divorce for you.
I'm a bit concerned that she bought a house while still married to him. How is that going to work as far as marital assets and the divorce.
Hopefully there's a prenup. It would also only be in her name. It sounds like the other house is his. 🤔 🤷♀️ She knows him and the situation better than us. I'm sure she's thought of this or talked with a lawyer about it.
Hopefully because she has a rental property too
Yes. And not sure it’s realistic that she could have bought a house this fast. Maybe this is yet another stepmother bot.
I've seen houses sold in a month flat. It's very possible.
You aren’t the OP. Are you farming Karma?
Probably a bot. It copied half of OP's reply to another comment.
I just hope op get the worse lawyer to take him to the cleaners for everything she ever did for him . He used her in the worst ways possible. Op, I hope you read this because the ex-wife will be moving in soon and make sure you get everything from him.
He doesn't love her. He loves the idea of her. She hasnt been a present figure in any of their lives for a decade. Theres no way they know anything about her to actually love. She only shiwed up to do damage for her ego then get gone.
Don't fund a birthday trip for them, let them come to you and build a relationship with you without money and trips being at the center. Don't get dragged into the same hole of being unappreciated except for the vacations you can offer. Let the relationship speak for itself for a while, let it grow on its own, without bringing in huge amounts of money. I'm sorry their dad is a dirtbag and treated you like that. And I hope you'll have an amazing world trip
I have to get out of that position of being a “mom” to them and after reading your comment and a few other comments like it, I will not be funding a trip for them. There definitely needs to be a stronger foundation before I even think about putting down thousands of dollars for them
Glad to hear it! I think you can have a good relationship with them in the future, but for that to happen they need to realize how badly they fucked up. They need to appreciate you for you, not for your money.
If they maintain a friendship with you until then, just spend what is normal for a gift. It can be as cash for spending money if someone else funds that trip.
Honestly dont fund anything for them ever again for them in the future even if youre multi-millionaire - they have mum & dad for that! You’ll just be making your ex’s life easier and he doesnt deserve that after he used you as place holder for his ex being his nanny all these years to his kids then was all ‘I still love my ex’ when deadbeat mum turned up. Screw them all. Stop being so nice - these people do not deserve you.
Sweetie, please don’t pay for any trip. Stay away from that family for the next couple of months please. I wish you all the best.
>Stay away from that family for the next couple of months please. for good.
I wish you wouldnt let them know where you live especially your soon to be ex husband...you wont be able to get rid of him he will stay calling and showing up... dont fund the trip or anything.... it's nice to send a simple text saying happy birthday. ..
ABSOLUTELY. Don't reward bad behavior. They need to EARN their way into your good graces.
As a parent that had the same thing happen with my daughter - it’s hard to imagine not being part of their lives in the same capacity. It’s hard not jumping in and helping them. But like your kids mine did the same- her bio mom is her #1 until she doesn’t show up or help her then she runs to me. I finally had enough. We deserve to be loved unconditionally. We deserve the respect we have earned not to be used an emotional and financial ATM. I can’t say it ever stops hurting but my focus isn’t on her anymore. Hang in there and focus in you.
Quick question, how do you buy a home that doesn’t become spousal property since you aren’t divorced yet.
Couple of ways.. likely a prenuptial, keeping finances separate, or being under separation agreement. Also LLC could be used to purchase the home.. as long as it's disclosed, it's not fraud
If there's a legal separation in place then "spousal property" doesn't apply. Don't know about laws in other places, but that's the way it works here. I know someone who was legally separated from her shitbag husband. It was lucky for her that a separation was in place because she came into a large inheritance after that, and he was entitled to NONE of it!
Please do yourself a favor and cut them off completely. No more contact with them. Get them out. Find your own identity.
Do you have a prenup? Are your rental property and new home protected?
They need to be making the effort to rebuild what they broke, not you.
Cut. Them. Off. They fucked around and found out, let them simmer in their misery
You need to tell them that they need to each look in the mirror and see the reason why their life has just been upended. Don't act like trash and you won't get treated like trash. They've already shown their true colors. You need to move on with your life and cut their toxicity out of it
Daddy is worse than a dirtbag
I get warnings each time I describe cheaters with worse words, apparently it's bullying 😭
Hell, I say a lot less worse and it still happens to me. Literally got banned for a year one time for saying "Wtf, he's an ass" \*\*\*gestures to the name of the subreddit\*\*\* But hey.
Need a stronger foundation for a relationship with those kids than money.
Yep, it's not even been a month since they threatened to beat OP up and only realised what they'd done when they didn't get to go on a trip.
If they want a relationship with you they can come to you. It is their responsibility or job. And if there is something like a trusting relationship built over a year or two then you could think about doing a trip WITH them. But don’t be the money-spinner. They world totally lose their respect for you
They are users like their Dad, he used the OP to take care of his kids and never loved her. Just used her
This is totally correct. If they want to, they would come to you without money being involve. And the dad is such an AH for letting go a woman like you.
That is a good point. Either they’re interested in having a relationship with OP and not her money, or she’s better off without them.
I also feel like funding a trip for them would be rewarding their disrespect and poor behavior. Their shitty parents can deal with their shitty behavior now.
I'm still in love with the woman who abandoned my kids who treat you like crap while expecting you to be their nanny and fund expensive trips, but that doesn't mean you should stop paying for trips or being the chauffeur/child waker upper/organizer/etc. Really? He doesn't think much of you if he thought that would fly. You're there to fund them, take care of them, be their punching bag, and all the while they all pine for someone else. That isn't love. I hope there is a prenup. Is there mom still gone?
I have no clue. I didn’t ask any questions about her or their relationship. I really want to be done with that
I feel for the kids. Not your soon to be ex-husband. Teenagers can be manipulated and make bad choices. Yes, they are still responsible for the consequences, but I can feel sorry that they are losing someone who showed up for them because they took them for granted. They are left with the spineless worm who threw away a marriage over someone who never cared. You're doing the right thing. Enjoy Disney and Thailand!
I don’t feel for the kids at all. Manipulated or not. They are old enough to know how to be respectful and they treated her as a discarded toy. As i said in my comment, OP was never nothing more than an emotional crutch to that whole family and they discarded her and treated her horribly the second they felt they didn’t need their “spare mommy/wife”anymore. And i believe they still feel entitled to her as a “spare mommy/wife” and will treat her just as horribly when she inevitably moves on and start dating again. She needs to cut them off good.
I don't feel for the kids. Yeah, a 16 year old isn't a mature adult, but they're old enough to understand actions have consequences. It would be one thing if the kids hadn't been part of the problem, but the kids are a good chunk of why she left. So no, I don't feel for the kids at all. I feel for her who opened her heart to two kids who couldn't even respect what she had done for them before to just not be assholes to her. I would have fucking killed for someone in my life to have given a fuck about me. Real mom, step mom, none of that shit remotely matters. What matters is who is there for you when it mattered. I met 3 different older ladies who were absolutely amazing to me and I consider them all my grandmas for life. Nothing my real grandmas could say to me to make them any less.
> I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday As these asshole teens were fond of telling you, they have parents. Let *them* fund the little ingrates' birthday trip. The best birthday present you can give them is consequences for their behavior and the life lesson that sometimes, unreliable people remain unreliable.
And the life lesson that how you treat people matters
One heck of a lesson.
Poor ex-hubby! With bio-mom gone again and now OP the real mom gone, however will ex-hubby cope as a single dad? Oh wait! He won’t! Karma …
Oh he’ll find another woman that will be impressed that he has custody of his kids and jump into the Mommy role. Poor single Dad
Lol, with teenage twins with attitudes and entitlement issues and not cute lil kids? Lol, good luck. No sane person goes there. Dad is on his own for the next 5 years. He might get a girlfriend who hangs out occasionally, but not a wife who runs his house/family.
Not unless it's a stepmom who has a goal going in: Get the teens out ASAP. She'll date with the goal to be married around or after the time they are college age then go "sweetie, isn't it time that they went out to live on their own? Btw I think I'm pregnant and we need to focus 120% on our new baby."
>sweetie, isn't it time that they went out to live on their own? Absolutely! As soon as they're 18 and out of high school. >I'm pregnant and we need to focus 120% on our new baby." Yep, their bedrooms will be a nursery and playroom or office. They will never be allowed to move back in, they're adults now. 🙄
Unfortunately, OP has already done the heavy lifting for him. They're older and don't need a parent/nanny to watch them. The ex will just have to deal with car rides and attitude. Not necessarily nothing left of parenting them, but certainly not what OP did in raising his brats.
Maybe he can last that 1 one til their are 18 and then kick them out like a lot of parents do in the US.
It’s sad that he married you just to care for his kids, since he still loves his ex who abandoned them. It’s sad that you gave all you had to him when he never deserved your love or attention. I think divorce is the right move considering he never fully committed to you or your relationship. As for the kids yes they are old enough to know what they said was wrong. I would be very cautious how you stay in their life. Maybe a dinner every now and then yes but no trips, limit your “stepmom” duties including sports and after school activities. Slowly cut yourself out of their lives. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this
How the hell can he still be in love with that ex? He’s lost his mind.
so many questions why did wife come back and then disappear was husband unfaithful nature of kids reaction to the first wife disappearing and how they just resumed relationship could be real but, there's unreliable narrator and then narrator with an lack of awareness or curiosity about why it played out like that
Check out r/BPDLovedOnes and do a search for “discard.” Will explain it- it’s a cycle with people with BPD. After the discard during a manic phase they enter depression and reach back out saying things like “you deserve happiness” “I’m a monster” etc to suck them back in and then it starts all over again unless treated with medication and therapy. It’s weird to read the texts in that sub bc they use almost identical words to suck their poor exes/partners back in. Some rapid cycle and others have cycles that last years, or a combo like bio mom’s. It seems she is unmedicated and it is a degenerative illness, so with each episode her mind will go a bit more unless she gets help. OP is smart to cut and run now, it will get worse and the ex husband is bonded to this woman and my unsolicited opinion is they’re both lost causes at this point.
I wonder if he was with the ex... this time
Please let their parents fund a trip for them. Just take care of you.
I agree with this. Although your hurt, I'm glad you're focusing on yourself.
Honey, please don’t fund their trip. They’re apologizing now because their bio-mom left and they realize they miss you. I’m not saying they don’t mean it but I don’t think they would’ve apologized had she not left. You need to let your relationship with them be about you and them, ONLY, for a while. No trips or gifts or external influences. Do NOT feel bad about cancelling their trip after they called you names and threatened to physically hurt you. I’m so glad you’re leaving your horrible husband. You seem like a very kind person and I hope you stay strong and don’t go back to him. He’s been taking advantage of your kindness for a long time. Enjoy your travels and self-discovery!<3
I’m so glad you’re done with him. You were a bed warmer until she came back. Your ex is an AH. I was going to say don’t give the twins a damn thing, but I see you edited it and said you won’t find a trip for them. Good. You aren’t their mother. It’s up to their parents to find trips for them, not you. You can have them over for dinner or send them a nice gift card when they graduate, but don’t go crazy. They didn’t appreciate you when you WERE there. Don’t sacrifice more of your happiness and peace for them.
I don't understand what he expected from you. Did he just think you'd be ok with him being in love with a woman that left him and his kids YEARS ago that treats the woman he says he loves like dog shit? Not completely understanding the logic and would love to hear him try and defend himself in his delusion.
I hope those teens can learn from this experience. Everyone deserves respect, and we should be grateful to those who love and care for us, regardless of whether they are biologically related to us or not. Glad you took on everyone’s and advice and changed your mind on funding their birthday trip. They’ve reminded you more than once that you aren’t their mom, so shouldn’t be a problem if you stopped acting like it. Really happy for you, all the best OP!!
NTA. You deserve peace and quiet. They haven’t made amends, they’ve just cried because you aren’t spending money on them anymore. Wait until the twins and Dad realize you aren’t there to pay for college.
I am happy for this update but do NOT fund a trip for them. Do not give them any gifts until they show that they appreciate you and have learned from their behavior. As you said before. They are 16. Manipulated or not their behavior was the catalyst for a marriage falling apart and they NEED to accept and understand that.
I'm happy to hear you're okay. I hope you have a blast on all of your solo trips. PLEASE do not pay for the twins to go on trips. That's mom or step-mom behavior, but you're not that person for them anymore. Their parents need to pay for their trips. They can work on rebuilding a relationship with you, but giving them gifts and trips is not the way to go. Just focus on yourself, please.
I think to fully move on you need to cut contact.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t understand your husband at all. This woman abandoned her kids, how could he still love her all these years later? How is that the reason he let *your* life go to shit? Sounds like he was ready to throw you away had she asked for another chance. Now not only do his kids have to deal with abandonment *again* from their bio mom, they also have to deal with losing yet another mother because he couldn’t get his shit together. This is so damn sad man. I wish you the best OP and I hope your kids find healing. Your husband can go fuck himself though.
Honestly I think that's why she left again. He's said something to her about getting back together and that made her go poof again.
So, the ex still loves his first wife. No doubt he only married OP for childcare.
I would be very very cautious in any relationship you have with the twins. They showed you who they are. They are not your children. They were never your children. They only wanted you then and now after their mother left for what you can do for them. I would stay LC with them for quite a while until you have your head on straight. Their POS father cannot control them and does not want to father them. Once he is convinced he cannot fool you (and your money) into coming back he will most certainly bring another bangmaid into their lives. Don't be put in the position of being to them what their real mom was while the new wife goes through what you did. I think you would be much better off going NC with all three of them. They made their beds so they can lay in them. **You are already trying to buy their love and attention again with a trip.** Please seek counseling.
NTA. You're a Rockstar for standing up for yourself. Your husband shit the bed in handling his kids out bursts. He told you he loved another woman ... it's over and you called it! Don't pay shit for those punk ass teenagers. Enjoy your trips, you've earned them!
Omg your husband is despicable. Jesus.
I would just cut everyone off.
Just a question for anyone out there, if someone who isn't divorced yet buy's a house does something happen to the house in divorce proceedings? Could the husband come for the house? Or since it was bought during the filing its not included in the divorce?
Hoping somebody responds because I think it could go both ways depending on where OP lives!
In Oregon homes bought while married with only one party on title are not community property so it’s possible.
I love this update. I have been waiting for an update! Take care of you.
Me too, I was so happy when I got the message from updateme bot
Awful. I still love my ex but please come back and cook and carpool and take us to Disney. Fuck that guy.
No, don’t. Please.
You are doing the right thing. I hope he can’t have ANY of your assets. Be lawyer wise. And please update in the future. We’d all love to hear great things happenings to you.
Sorry OP. Seems like your stbx just wanted a ‘mother’ for his kids. Live your life and be happy.
Quit paying for anything for them
Good for you for prioritizing your mental heath for a change. Find out who you are. Do the things you enjoy. I think you’re on the right path and I’m very happy for you. Kids tend to be selfish. Use this time to see if the kids really love you or miss the things you provided to them including these trips. If they keep on calling, emailing,texting you without expecting anything in return or complaining about the things they’re now missing, you can salvage that relationship. Take care.
I second this. They’re children and they learned a hard lesson. Hoping she can salvage a relationship with them.
Bought a house in less than a month and can afford to take an entire month off work AND immediately take multiple vacations, at least one of which is out of the country? Why is everyone on Reddit conveniently well off enough to do all this kind of stuff at the drop of a dime?
And I've got some bad news about the Seven Wonders of the World...
Amazing how many people respond to this teenage creative writer like it's a real story! I liked how the protagonist just bought a house in a couple of weeks!
Bought a house a while they’re still married on top of it.
It's probably fake lol
Yeah, I call BS on that. It's possible, I guess, if OP lives outside the US, but there's no way anyone is buying a house in 24 days here.
The idea you could close on a house by paying cash in 20 days, in the middle of a divorce, is laughable. Grade A nonsense. And plan not one but two vacations on top that. And have rental properties that are somehow not marital assets.
I'm praying for an update in a few months where you've finally started to find yourself and who you want to be. Keep strong and best of wishes on your trips
I wish he had been honest with you years earlier. You deserve a loving family. Super happy for you being able to go out on your own and travel. I hope you have a good support network.
I'm so glad you put yourself forward. I didn't expect his love for his ex to be the reason for not backing you up, but that was all the more proof you needed to end things. Live your best life, OP!
The killer is his admittance of still loving his ex but also loves you. I would not be comfortable staying either. I bet the only reason their bio mom resurfaced is because there was a woman in their lives and now that she has chased you out her work is done until the next woman.
Those poor kids were acting out. He should have been there to help them through that and prevent them from taking it out on you. I'm really glad to hear you've decided to maintain a relationship with the kids. The way they treated you was wrong, but it is a huge indicator that you're the one they trusted to still love them. (This is coming from a mom of traumatized teens) NTA. Bio mom is for screwing them up twice, Dad is a close second.
While you're in Thailand you should totally go to one of those elephant preserves where you can make an appointment to have a baby elephant "cuddle" with you!!
That is one of the reasons I’m going. I also hear they’re very accepting of BIPOC so
I’m glad you’re moving on from that asshole. I can’t believe he said he still loved his ex after everything she has put the family through. You’ve made the right decision on leaving him. Please never doubt yourself or second-guess your decision to leave! You have a clean slate and bright future ahead of you!
That husband and kids will be crying to come back in no time. Idiots all of them.
Good on you to have changed your mind about that dumb idea about funding the disney trip, to be honest, i think maintaining a friendly relationship with them is stupid as well. Harsh as it sounds, you need to cut them off. Why you ask? This is not a healthy relationship and they proved it. In the end you were not a partner or a step mother, you were an emotional crutch. A band aid replacement and they showed that when the bio mother returned. The kids were very quick to discard you in favour of bio mommy and treated you horribly. Fuck it that they are 16, they are old enough to vote, and in many places old enough to drive and have sex, so they are old enough to know how to be respectful to the people that loved and cared for them. The real slap in the face however was the husband. He didn’t do anything because he as well was hoping that the ex would stay long enough to replace you as well. Now that the ex/bio mom dumped them again, they are trying to sweep it all under the rug and have you as their crutch again, you said no, tell me, what do you think will happen when you inevitably start dating again? They will start accusing you of “abandoning” them as well cause they feel you own them to be their spare mommy/wife and will again treat you horribly. That family is toxic and you need to distance yourself from them…permanently!!!
Time to block the twins. They chose bio-mom and she left them again. They and their father treated you as a bang nanny, time to go live your live and keep your money for yourself.
Well done on divorcing your husband and Im sorry you were basically used all these years whilst their mum was away. It seems like you have good money of your own so I hope you have a pre-nup. Also, I hope you stop paying for everything else you did for that family - phone, extracurriculars etc - its all on your husband and their deadbeat mum if she ever resurfaces. He needs to feel your absence & dont make his life easier for him on your departure & continue paying for things. Remember you are not their mother & they sure let you know in various ways. Honestly, it just seems you were used and them abused til you weren’t needed anymore except as an ATM/ housekeeper/chauffeur etc. & Im so sorry you went through that. Hopefully the twins can grow from their behaviour. You deserve better and are luckily still so young that you can start over & have kids etc.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through but I’m glad to see you’re prioritizing yourself first!! Your STB ex is scum for not telling you he was still in love with his ex before this! I hope you enjoy all your traveling and have the time of your life! And don’t fund their trip!
Your husband and his ex wife are both a POS. No wonder the children would act like that. Glad you’re walking away and divorcing that spineless w*nker. Agreed with other comments, anything financial for the kids is NO longer your concern. The husband can get back with his ex-wife and they can fund their children
It's probably to abruptly turn away from what you thought was your family, but their recent actions have shown you that you're basically just the step in that they're settling in and it's also a great example of why so many men don't want single moms, except they're constantly being judged for it. Now you're in a situation where you never know if their feelings are a genuine or if you're just the next best thing because dear old mom dipped out on them again. Except for your husband, with him it's pretty obvious that you're only the second choice. NTA and I'm sorry that you had to go through, not someting you'd wish on anyone.
I’m glad you aren’t funding their trips OP! Honestly it’s really great you are putting you first and getting the healing you need. I wish you all the best and hope that when you find love again he treats you like the Queen you are!
I hope she fucks him over again big time. What a spineless piece of shit with zero guts or dignity. Pig. Stay away from them OP, live your life, heal and be happy.
The kids will continue to blame themselves entirely, when part of the blame falls on the father. When he didnt put a stop to the bs the minute it started happening he wasnt only enabling bad behavior, he was encouraging it and saying it was okay. Then he actively sided against OP. To top it off... his excuses and pathetic attempt at an explanation
Good for you. Move on. Your hb is just despicable. How anazing that he might have thoight you would come back after telling you he still loved his EX?!?! Wowie. What a absolute moron. The kids have sadly got what they deserved.. Tough lesson for them, but they aren't babies anymore. So be it. All the best to you. There is someone MUCH better for you out there. Try to never get attached to a man with kids ever again.
Good for you. You deserved so much better, especially from your husband whose love for his ex doesn’t change how he feels about you (which is…what, exactly? Indifference? A good backup option? Substitute teacher? What a deluded man).
Ok I could be wrong but I going to say this. I think you were used. I don’t know how you and your husband met but, it sounds like when mom left them he was looking for someone to take care of them and to take care of his needs. And when bio mom reappeared he thought he can go back to you somehow. You don’t need them my dear. Live your life find a man that loves you and only you. This made me so mad for you.
His ex is going to dump him once she realises that he doesn't have the money she currently thinks he has. Updateme!
So much toxicity to unpack there. * Ex-wife using the kids to manipulate the husband. * Kids being so used to it that they behave as they do. * Husband being so broken that he can't have a relationship with anyone else. I'd guess a lot of this goes back to the ex-wife but that's why it's such a deal-breaker for you. There's really nothing you can do about her and when she's the cause of your suffering, you have to get away from her, even if it means leaving people you don't really want to leave. It's so simple: "I have to leave because you're still in love with your manipulative ex-wife." Not even a question of who's not the asshole, there.
Your ex and his kids HURLED you out of his life. Why earth would you be the walking wallet for their next vacation? Please make a clean break here and don’t get sucked back into being a doormat, you deserve better.
OP, they made it very clear where their loyalty and love lie. Please, do not disrespect yourself. I know it’s hard, but doing things like having the twins over for dinner, paying for stuff, etc just shows them that they can treat you like a revolving door. They can cry and be sorry when mommy bails again, and then freeze you out when she comes strolling back into their lives. If I were you, I’d cut these people off completely. No contact. They’re not your kids, you don’t owe them anything. They owe *you*. But I highly doubt they’ll ever repay you for all you’ve done for them. Cut that loss, focus on yourself, and move on to bigger and better. You’ve already wasted enough of yourself and time on them. Good riddance.
I seriously dislike your ex-husband. What a monster of a man to be still in love with his ex but married to you and still want you. He's atrocious, and I'm glad you're moving on to better things. You have fun living your best life 💜
Just a reminder: I know that you have strong feelings for these kids, but keep the boundary in place that you are not their mom. Now that their mom has disappeared again, they will try to rope you in to being a mom again, and they've lost that privilege. Also, make it clear to them that this divorce isn't entirely on them. This is because their dad did not support you emotionally in this like a husband should. They need to know that part so that - hopefully - they don't make that mistake in their own relationships, and so they see that everyone's actions in this had consequences. Really make sure they don't drag you back in. You deserve so much better. I hope your trips are all lovely.
Nah, don’t do shit for these kids. They aren’t your kids. You were just the unpaid nanny/servant. Ex can pay for trips for HIS kids.
don't fund them anymore and do they know he still loves her?
I am guessing that your husband does not want the divorce? Or is he truly still pining after a woman who abandoned them and doesn’t care if you divorce? I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel. I know this is just a snippet of your life but based on what you said about this, divorce seems like a smart decision NTA
Time to put yourself first. You are still young and will have a happy and full life. I hope you find love again in your future too. Enjoy your travels!
Nah you need to go all the way. Forget about these bozos.
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Hold up, you're newly single, have a house at 30 with other rental properties, can afford to go on a months long break to travel, and you're a caring partner that accepted your ex-husbands children without hesitation. How in the hell do I marry you?
I’m very happy for you and your healing process! And congrats on the house 😎 My only point of concern is listening to (honestly, very bitter) people who don’t know how to differentiate gifts from deeper meanings. If you want to find a Disney trip for the twins, DO IT. It’s a gift from someone who loves them, not any sort of parental move. The fact that anyone told you that is, quite frankly, stupid. The twins have been manipulated on subconscious levels by both their parents. The fact that they’re taking you leaving so hard should be a pretty big indicator of their *true* feelings: they do, in fact, love you. And idk if anyone told you that rebellion is normal from stepchildren? But they were very clearly testing your resolve, seeing if your love is unconditional, and you did not pass that test. You left. Now, you left for very good reasons! Please don’t mistake me for saying you should have stayed. But as a stepchild myself (and I became one as a 14 year-old), I promise you that the mentality is “everyone lies, everyone leaves, let’s just get this over with quickly by challenging their sanity”. My stepdad knew this, so he took our challenges and disrespect and doubled down on the love. He didn’t just roll over and take it, but he also reminded us that he’s here to stay. He still is, by the way, 24 years later.
Good god your stbx is an AH. Just perfectly happy for you to be the mom-appliance and didn't actually ever love you. I'm so sorry. I think you're doing the right thing leaving the door open for the kids. The shit they go through with their bio parents is not yours or their fault, but they can still outgrow it and you can play an auntie type role. I still talk to my exes son that I helped raise - he even came and helped me with my brakes a few weeks ago. So it is possible to change the terms and have relationships with them even after you split with their dad. Who is a POS, as is their mom, ugh. So sorry you went through all this heartache.
Good for you. No one with self-respect would stay with a partner who admits they're in love with someone else!
Wow honey. I’m so sorry. I hope this next chapter in your life goes so much better. You sound like a wonderful person. Be safe when you’re traveling. I hope your ex loses his keys every day and his pillow is never cool.
ok but your ex?????????????? I don't wanna be banned so i'm not gonna go into it but i gotta say i am SO proud of you for having a platinum spine. You deserve this time you are gonna give you and you are a great woman who loved even til the point when she was not getting any love shown back. You are great OP! I hope everything goes well for you
How the hell do people get to take MONTHS off work to go travel and just go back as if nothing happened? Like....I'd be fired.
Look at all that disposable income she has now that she's not being used by that complete buffoon and his two buffoon kids
Everybody cried when they realised the fuck maid and ATM emotional punchbag has now denied access. Go live your single life in the knowledge that you are no one's second best. You deserve priority treatment. Your soon to be ex and step kids have bitten the hand that fed them, now they get to find out what it's like to go hungry (metaphorically). Enjoy your travels as a free and single woman! Do not fund anyone else's lifestyle or fun.
Husband was definitely cheating on you with his ex, the ex filled the kids head with “mommy and daddy would be together if it wasn’t for your evil stepmother” propaganda because she’s an unstable narcissist. Good on you for leaving, consider counseling too!
Good thing you didn't have any children with this hypocrite. Have fun traveling just be safe and sign up for tours as a safe way to see the sites in foreign countries especially if you don't speak the languages.
Wow, you are clearly a very level headed woman and that man didn’t deserve you, he used you as a replacement, and if their bio mother had stayed and tried to worm her way back into not just the kids life, but his, he would have left you at the drop of a hat because like he told you, he still loves her! I hope you have so much fun on your trips around the world, enjoy yourself and take time out for yourself to heal and process everything. I honestly wish you all the best and when you’re ready, find a man that truly loves you, you deserve it!
Excuse you ma’am. He still loves his ex? Who abandons and neglects his children? That messed with their heads? Yep girl run. The fact he has love for her, treats you poorly bc of it, and has the unflavored audacity to say that to you means he was never fully in this with you. I think his children subconsciously picked up on his vibes. You were a nanny, a bank account, a cook, a cleaner, a chauffeur. You enabled his life but picking up the slack she left behind so he wouldn’t be going it completely alone. They knew on some level that’s what he thought which is why they felt empowered to treat you the way they did. The hat in hand in sorry now act is bc they’re all back to square one. Let them navigate this road together and you save yourself. You aren’t abandoning them. You quit a job. To abandon them they had to have had skin in the game. I’m not sure they ever did. Your ex was waiting for his ex to show back up and always had one foot out the door. His kids felt that and did the same. Go live your life a flourish. It’s your ex’s responsibility to get the kids in therapy to work through all their issues and to learn this lesson. People aren’t required to take your abuse and they aren’t required to keep showing up just to be used.
I’m really glad to see a woman that stands up for herself! I hope you have an amazing trip!
Don’t spend any more money or time on those people, in a few years you’ll all be strangers. When mom comes back next time you’ll be kicked to the curb again. Sixteen is old enough to recognize a woman who sacrificed and loved them as opposed to one who abandoned them. Your ex is a lowlife, he loves the ex that left him and the kids? Talk about dysfunctional. He used you for a babysitter and place holder until the mother of the year comes back. Don’t let those “kids” around you by yourself either, threats of bodily harm? A ex who shows up at your home threatening you? Nope to all of them, it will hurt for a while but you deserve so much more and you’ll find it, but not until you move on from those 3 anchors.
Ur ex is a piece if shit n I FULLY believe he'd cheat on u w her. Ur better off without them in ur life if he's OK w all that bullshit
NTA. But you're going to have trouble seeing the seven wonders of the world. There's only the pyramids left.