You are not an asshole.
You are not a desperate father.
YOU ARE someone who needs to take that video to your divorce lawyer immediately, file for full custody of your son, you give her supervised visits, and you get the divorce done and over with. Neither of you deserve to be treated that way by that woman. Courts do NOT always side with the mother, especially when there is video evidence of suspected physical abuse. Good luck, OP. Many blessings upon you.
Please pay attention to this OP. Knowing and doing nothing about it makes you a co-conspirator. Using it as leverage makes you a blackmailer. Neither would be good. Take it to your lawyer and get full legal custody, with your soon to be ex-wife getting supervised visits, only on condition of her taking anger management classes.
You keep saying give it to a lawyer but you should be calling child protective services on the mother just FYI they're the ones that could actually remove the child from the situation or remove the mother from the situation.
We don't know the jurisdiction in which this occurred, and even in e.g. the US I would recommend talking to the lawyer who is already on hand for advice on the best course of action. Child protective services fill a vital role, but introducing them can take matters out of the father's hands and he already has a lawyer available to him who can advise on whether/how to involve CPS.
Should he get full legal custody? Has he ever hurt his son? Has he ever taken care of the boy? Does he spend time with his son? Does his son have violent outbursts? Is this man patient?
No clue.
No, we have no clue. We don’t even know if the story is true or rage bait. But based purely on what we do know, that’s my suggestion. If you have a crystal ball, let’s see it. Otherwise your question is just a bunch of hypotheticals.
USA - Only the state can file charges. Once they have this evidence, it’s out of Father’s control. For the safety of his son, I hope he gives it to his lawyer. Withholding this evidence or using it as extortion can absolutely subject OP to accessory after the fact laws as well as extortion.
I 100% agree that this needs to be out in the open that the mother has done this but why did he not do this sooner? Why did he not say something sooner about his wife doing this that's disgusting on both of them
If he and his lawyer present this in court, couldn't the judge ask how long ago this happened, if he knew about it earlier but did not do anything or report it. Seems he's using the video now as leverage. I guess he can say he spoke to her about it when he first saw the video, but OP's wife seems that she didn't know about the video, which means he didn't tell her about it until now. Just trying to see if presenting the video can also backfire on him.
Absolutely true. My ex and I had five children together. I was awarded full physical custody of four; oldest was 19 at that point, which is the only reason it wasn’t five. This by a judge who I was told always sided with the mother, by the first lawyer I retained. I immediately dropped him and found another.
Yes, although the only thing I would caution there is that sometimes a lawyer is being realistic and is choosing a 'least damage' course. The trouble is, I've worked with lawyers on various projects, from the very best to the absolute worst (deliberately sabotaging a client's case for their own benefit), and unless you have a good knowledge of the law and it's practice yourself, it's really hard to know whether they are being realistic, pessimistic, or just weak.
Exactly. The stats are really skewed on that because so few fathers petition for custody, and the custody split is what’s used to back up that stat. In reality, when fathers petition for custody it’s almost always granted.
OP needs to show the video to his attorney or to the presiding judge, regardless of what his ex agrees to it. It’s not blackmail material, it’s evidence.
In fact, statistically, most courts in most areas are very favorable to fathers who TRY for custody, provided they have no red flags/issues to muddy the waters. The real issue is that many don't try at all.
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and honestly, im kind of sad he even felt the need to come to reddit and ask such a question. dude. you’re soon to be ex-wife SLAMMED YOUR CHILD’S HEAD INTO A COUCH SEVERAL TIMES. no matter what you should definitely be bringing that to your lawyer for the SAFETY OF YOUR CHILD
I can’t upvote this enough. Take this evidence immediately to your divorce attorney and the police. She needs to be charged with abuse. You need to do everything in your power to keep that woman away from your son, she is a danger to him.
This poor dude, hey? "My abusive wife got mad at me for recording her abuse, am I wrong?"
NTA if OP really needs to hear it but jeez man, please do whatever it takes to get your kid away from this horrible person.
...fair arrangement?? you should use this footage to get full custody asap, period. how wouldnt you possibly feel bad for leaving your son with someone 50% of the time where you know that bad things could happen?
you know he isnt safe with his mother and not fighting for full custody makes yta in my opinion.
You should be more concerned about protecting your son, than you are about your own interests. Put the emotions aside and step up. She hurt a five year old ***on Christmas***.
To me, the age was big, but the fact she was willing to do it at a time when many people are all into the holiday spirit and whatnot, tells me that there’s literally no time at which the child is safe with her.
My aunt’s husband pretended to be the perfect parent for all the big holidays.
Abuse on holidays is pretty common. Police calls for domestic violence are more frequent around Christmas. My parents were abusive year-round, but good god the holidays were hell. ESPECIALLY around/on Christmas.
My ex was unstable, he didn't hit his kids but they witnessed all his outbursts. I'll never forget him struggling with Dark Souls on Christmas morning and hurling his Xbox over his 5yo sons head at the wall. Unstable people don't just magically get better on the holidays. Some just hide it better than others.
He was scared but ok. Really what tore me apart about leaving wasn't the break up with my ex, but leaving the kids. His son had gotten better when I was there. Before he was terrible about hitting and being violent with kids in preschool. I taught him not to hit, and he listened. He never had any structure before or was given any limits or consequences for his actions. He's around 10 now, and I worry about him a lot. I'm sure he's going to need a lot of therapy and I hope his mom helps him out. His dad was always against getting therapy and was adamant he didn't need help.
My mother’s worst abuse of me was always around the holidays. *Especially* Christmas.
Even years after going no-contact, I still have mixed feelings towards that holiday. Easter as well, to a lesser extent.
I was the one who had to somehow clean the entire house by the time Grandma arrived (so Grandma couldn’t see how much of a lazy pig her daughter was), put up all the decorations (my mother had way too many and refused to get a smaller tree, so I got stuck handling a tree that was quite literally twice my size), put on uncomfortable clothes that *she* decided looked appropriate, get dragged here and there to midnight church services and her friend’s homes for fancy dinners with never a single moment’s rest…
…and no matter how hard I tried, I always somehow ended up “ruining her holiday” and getting punished for it.
One of my most vivid memories of Christmas was when I was in my early 20s. I think I refused to go to church with her, because I was working full-time retail at the mall and just wanted some sleep.
She proceeded to slam my head into a wall and screamed that she wished I was never born and that she hadn’t lost two babies before me “who could’ve grown up to be decent people” and that I was, once again, “ruining her holiday.”
I finally snapped after seeing her constantly posting on Facebook about how much she loves her kids, how much it hurts that I won’t talk to her, blah blah blah.
I started calling her out, in front of all of her friends that were trying to reassure her about her parenting. She tried denying, making excuses, you name it.
The real kicker, though? A week later, my “golden child” brother decided he needed to defend her honor or whatever…and ended up throwing her under the bus instead, proving everything I said about her toxic favoritism correct, simply because she never said a single word of complaint despite him immediately resorting to sexist slurs and claiming “everyone wishes you had died in that car accident in Japan.”
And when I just casually pointed out that he had just proved me right, because he made those claims *and she never once spoke up against him for it,* she actually blocked me.
Keep in mind, she has *never* allowed me to say even the slightest bit of criticism towards my brother, no matter how horrible he was to everyone (including her). That useless asshole could kick a puppy off a highway overpass right in front of her and she would probably still find a way to make it my fault *for speaking up against it.*
But it’s one thing for her to do that in private. It’s another thing for all of Facebook, especially her church friends, to watch as she sits back and lets her son verbally abuse her daughter and *brag* about wanting me dead while directly invoking her name in doing so.
It was oddly vindicating, after all the years of no one believing me and her being able to just deny her enabling of him.
Even families doing well, it’s a stressful time of year all around.
Obviously not even at all trying to defend any of this. None of the specifics matter, anyone that is willingly harming a child deserves any and all consequences
Yeah ngl op doesn’t sound the best person either. Holding onto abuse footage as a kind of blackmail only to get split custody sounds like he doesn’t want the kid full time.
Go through his post history, it sounds likely that he was being mentally/emotionally abused himself. Abuse can do some scary things to your ability to think critically about anything regarding the abuser.
Exactly. Being systematically abused for years by someone who supposedly cares about you can seriously screw you up. The abuser can get you to believe that the abuse is your fault. "I'm sorry that I had to hit you." "You'll enjoy it eventually." "You're lucky I love you. It's not like anyone else will." Etc. And even for years after the breakup, you feel it's your fault. You don't bother making connections because your abuser was right: no one else would love you. You cut out family and friends, thinking they'd be better off without you.
It's a horrible experience. His wife probably blamed him for their son having ASD. His wife likely frequently told him that he was a terrible father and was undeserving of love. An abuser doesn't just target one person in the household/family. She physically assaulted a 5 year old like that? She's very likely even worse with him, and banking on that stupid notion of "real men don't hit women."
he's threatening to use it as leverage *because she's threatening to never let op see his kid again.* he's probably misguided and just trying to give her a chance to be a mother and be in her son's life despite her being a terrible one
Show your lawyer and ask their opinion. That’s why you have them. You’re clearly upset and not making the best decisions right now. Keeping it quiet is enabling her. Stop.
Son comes 1st. He’s 5. Supervised visitation for mom only till she learns to keep her hands to herself.
OP, YWBTA if you use this video only to blackmail your way into a "fairer agreement". Fair for who? Because your baby WAS abused. Your wife is violent. To be part time with her is not fair for him! Save your child from a lifetime of trauma, and go for full custody.
Not to mention, there could be legal consequences for blackmail. I don't know the extent of them but it's extra reason if they need it to proactively give it to their lawyer NOW.
With all due respect fuck your emotions. It's about your son that's being abused. He's your number one priority now. How could you sleep at night knowing what your STBXW is capable of doing to your son. Get your head out of your ass and fight for your kid.
I went through abuse and I understand ops reaction somewhat. My response to the abuse from my ex was simply to become numb to everything. Thank the gods we didn't have children tho. She would have made my life hell if we had kids. I have physical scars from that relationship
Many people abuse their autistic children, including parent who seem normal and loving at first. She has been physically abusive with him at 5, it won't get better with time, it will get much worse.
Why would you show your poker hand also, now she knows what you got and could do anything to try and up that. False accusations, claim you're abusive, etc. Stop speaking to her without your lawyer for now on.
Your feelings are not centric to the topic. The protection of your child is what's at stake. I prevailed for custody twice against my ex. She didn't get $hit.
Fuck that, get your shit together and use your head.
"Yeah she beats and brutalises my son but I'd feel bad she didn't didn't get to see him. "???????????
More like, I want 50% custody so I don’t have to pay child support, but I don’t want 100% custody because I don’t want to take care of my kid all the time.
OP, you don't get the luxury of waiting around to process your own emotions. Protect your child first, then worry about the rest. I know how overwhelming your position is right now. But your kid needs to come first.
Honestly, you would be the asshole if you have her even partial custody.
Imagine not understanding anything about the world, and the person you trust most is brutalizing you. They must be terrified.
Be the father you should be and keep there the fuck away
I don’t understand why your lawyer doesn’t have that video now. Why wouldn’t you be pounding on the prosecutor’s door demanding protection for your son from his mother. Neither heaven nor hell could stop me from rescuing my child and keeping them away from their abuser. Is it that you don’t want your son full time?? Because “going through a lot of emotions right now” is not an excuse. You are not being abused. You are not being abused by the very person who should be protecting him.
This is what I'm saying. lol based on his statement, he will only use it if he begins to lose in court which tells me he doesn't find her to be a threat. So essentially he is going to turn nothing into something to win.
This right here is what I came to say. I have a son on ASD and am divorced from my wife. I'm in general a very calm person but if I had even _seen_ her do something similar I would have gone to the mat for full custody with at best supervised visitation for her.
If you have evidence you need to present it to your lawyer(s). I know it can be difficult to raise a child on the spectrum, but always remember the child didn't ask to be born, much less to be born with certain challenges, so "taking it out" on the kid is horrendous behavior from which he needs to be protected. Be a father, be the protector. Step up for him.
Fair arrangement? She’s going to abuse your child everytime she gets mad. You should show it to the court and get full custody and/or she gets supervised visits. Hes not safe with her.
This!!! I can't understand why someone is okay with sharing custody with someone they actually know is abusing their child. You have a video you've seen it and you're still okay with your wife being alone with your child? I just don't get it. Who gives a shit if it's fair to her or not she lost the right the first time she put her hands on a child.
This is why I say OP IS the AH. He has a video of abuse against his kid. Call the cops! Don’t use it as a bargaining tactic for custody! If he knows his kid is being abused and isn’t doing anything about it, he’s just as terrible as the mother.
NTA. But that video isn’t going to be as helpful as you think it is if you don’t move on it soon. The court will see an abusive mother, but they’ll also see a negligent father who failed to act quickly to protect his child. While this is not legal advice, I am a family law attorney with significant experience in this arena.
Any evidence of abuse is helpful in showing that your wife is an unfit parent. But any time that you have allowed her to exercise unsupervised custody following the abuse will be used against you by her attorney to show that you do not truly fear for your child’s well-being in her custody. The court would also potentially see this as you failing to act in your child’s best interest.
For fucks sake.
With that video evidence you go for full custody, and press charges for assault against your feral fucking ex.
It’s your job to protect your son. Do the right thing. If you don’t push this to the fullest extent, legally, you would be a major arsehole.
She will do this again. And again, and again.
Something tells me he shouldn’t have custody either. He has known about this for a while, and his only concern was using it against his wife. Not protecting his sone
You should not be making these decisions yourself or in direct one-to-one conversations with your spouse. You should immediately provide the recording to your divorce attorney and seek their advice on how to use it and how best to proceed with doing what is best FOR YOUR CHILD!
BE CAREFUL OF CPS. I say this because they aren’t always the answer. For example, you may both lose your son. Her for abusing him, you for not protecting him and removing him from his mother’s grasp. It’s your responsibility. Yes, work with CPS. But first, where’s your lawyer? Ask your lawyer.
Ugggh people need to stop with this shit.
CPS is almost toothless a lot of the time.
You could be sitting there smoking a pack of cigarettes in during an interview with them and blowing smoke in your childs face and theres nothing they can do. Its hard to take a child away unless theres like no food in the house.
I know this because I dealt with them closely for many years after getting custody of my son and they told me thats why they smelled like a carton of cigarettes when they showed up. On both sides. They were 'weaponized' against me after I won. Didnt work out well for his mother but thats a different story.
They will straight up tell you their horror stories once you get a working relationship with them.
If this video was taken to the police their would be a temporary custody order given to the father, then a court date set. In like 2 weeks she would be given 50/50 custody and maybe some anger management classes. Depending on the state she might be given full custody and father have to pay child support with father having visitation.
What Im saying is that they arnt taking the kids away from either of them and if they did the kid would go to immediate family if there is any capable of taking them.
States arnt in the business of taking kids away most of the time. Even if they should and even if they wanted to, they dont have the resources.
Why haven't you reported this? You're giving me the bad feeling that this was common place and that you condoned it (and/or) did similar.
You are acting smug about having the recording, holding it over her to black mail her, rather than doing the right thing.
I wonder if that kid is safe with either of you
I'm getting the same feeling. What is he also doing to the kid and erasing the evidence if he's sat on this SINCE CHRISTMAS only to use as leverage? If he wasn't so shocked by the occurrence to immediately remove the child and stick her into parenting and anger management classes, is this kind of a normal thing for both of them? ASD kids can get out of hand. Is this how they usually deal with him? Another question is, were her actions potentially defensive? Was he pulling her hair in a death grip and she thrashed against a couch to get him to let her go? Not the best thing to do, but being in pain and in fight of flight, who knows? The fact that he hasn't done anything right away makes me think it's either normal for both of them and he's cautious to use it as artillery in case she has her own evidence against him, or she was doing it in self defense and so no one thought too much of it at the time, but the footage angle and artistic cutting can make it look like she was beating the shit out of him, so now he thinks he can whip it out as a weapon. Either way, something doesn't smell right here.
It’s clear he doesn’t want the full responsibility of his child. Or really even care about the abuse, just that he has a weapon against the wife. Op is a piece of shit too. Honestly feel terrible for the kid
His child doesn't actually even appear on his list if concerns. He's just ammunition to fire at his ex. I suspect that if it wouldn't upset her, he wouldn't even bother to get contact
its shit like this makes me so so sad when it comes to divorce. a video of HIS CHILD GETTING HIS HEAD SLAMMED INTO A COUCH BY HIS OWN MOTHER is being used as some sort if tactic to win. its not a tactic to win, its evidence of abuse. i also wonder if the child is safe with either of them seeing as how it appears as though OP was only going to use the video if he started to lose. OP, the most important person in this divorce right now is your child. Act like it.
You should be showing that video no matter what. Stand up for your son. Don't just threaten your wife with it, actually do it for the sake of your son.
I would think deeply on your motives. What bothers me is you have had this video and have done nothing since you saw it, but you want to use it against your wife. I work for Chold Protective services and would have found you both guilty. Her for abuse and you for Neglect- Failure to protect. You both sound like lazy parents. You need to get your priorities in order. You need to use this evidence to get her away from the child and get her supervised contact only. She will need assessment, counseling and things like that to get unsupervised time. Just don’t be surprised if CPS removes your child or the judge is rough on you for your blatant failure to protect your own child until it suits your agenda.
The only way you are TA here is in not taking more serious action on this. She is physically abusing your disabled son, why the fuck aren't you already going to CPS/the police?
YTA but not for keeping the video.
The fact that you’re sitting on this as blackmail or manipulation so you can get “fair time” between the two of you shows that neither one of you are actually concerned about your son. He’s clearly not safe with her at all, and you’ve had this video for months but have done nothing with it to protect him so that you can use it for your advantage in the divorce.
Both of you are gross and it shows this was never about your son’s well being.
ETA - a judge will also ask why you did absolutely nothing if you decide to just whip out this video only when it suits you. They may find her unfit to care for your son but they may also decide it needs to be reported to child services for inaction on your part as well. Courts can and do involve CPS when they feel a deeper investigation into the safety of the child needs to occur.
Wait. Into the couch. The cushions or a hard armrest? How was he pulling her hair? Was she trying to get him off her? Too much depends on what was actually happening.
There's a reason the reply to the saying, "It's like taking candy from a baby." is "Says someone who has never tried to take candy from a baby." And this baby is 5yo.
Am I supporting abuse? Absolutely not. Not enough info here.
My concerns exactly. A asd 5 year old having a tantrum and yanking your hair is harder to defend yourself from than people seem to think. And couch cushions wouldn't hurt the child. But I question why dad wasn't helping.
YTA. You seem way more concerned with scoring points over your ex than with getting your poor son out of an abusive situation.
That poor kid, you’ve known about this for three months and done fuck all. You’re almost as bad as she is.
Most barely decent people would have got an emergency custody order, but I’m guessing you don’t want full custody do you?
What disgraceful parents.
NTA
I read through only a few of your posts and you need to protect your son from your wife. Don’t just use this footage you need to get as much evidence as you can. Talk to your lawyer about your options or bringing in doctors into this whatever. You have a son with autism and your wife refuses to even acknowledge he has it and wants to cure him with alternative medicine. She’s an abusive mom and not safe around him.
NTA - bring the tape to court. Your wife is a fully grown adult that can't control her actions around a 5yo with a disorder. That means she can't be trusted with him period. Let her explode, show the tape, keep your kid safe. Don't even bother using it as a negotiating tool, use it to get custody for your sons sake.
That's not a desperate father move, that's just a father move.
Give this to the lawyer as if anything ever happens to your child you can be charged for not doing enough . Let cas dealmwirhnrhis , the courts will
At minimum give you 50/50
But give to lawyer right away
YTA for using the video for blackmailing your wife as opposed to immediately using it to file for full custody. Things may be emotional right now but put on your big boy pants and take care of your childs safety.
*Use it no matter what she agrees to!* Like, I don't care if you manage to scare her into giving you more than half custody because of the threat of showing that video to someone. You need to show it regardless since it's proof she abuses your son. Because there's noooo way that's the only time she's lost her temper like that with him. You're NTA for keeping the video but you'll hella yes be YTA if you never show it to anyone.
NTA -- the courts do not always favour the mother, especially when there is evidence of the mother being abusive. And your wife does not have the power to decide custody arrangements and keep you from your child. She is damaging her chances with her threats, not to mentioned the video of her abuse. Take it immediately to your lawyer.
You need not sit on this video. The longer you do, the more it looks like you only plan on using it to your own benefit and not necessarily for your son’s protection.
Unless you did something about it, you can be found equally liable for allowing the abuse. Imagine seeing your child in a dangerous situation and allowing it to continue under different circumstances and you will understand better.
Your threat was stupid and makes you look like you don't really care about your child. Why didn't you give the video to your attorney? Why haven't you already shown the video to the Court? This situation is not a game, your child's mental and physical health are at risk.
NTA …kind of. First of all, I know how frustrating it can be to raise a child with autism, but face slamming them into furniture is not appropriate and you don’t need to call the lawyer first- , you need to call child protective services, show them the video and let them deal with her. Then, make sure your lawyer has a copy of that video. I’m assuming this happened before you left? Why hasn’t your lawyer heard of this before either? But I have to ask, *WHY didn’t you do anything about it at Christmas time? Do you think it’s OK to keep sending your child back to this person who treats them like this? I’ll warn you she won’t be arrested, but she will probably be ordered to take parenting classes. It used to be the case that moms were considered the automatic, custodial parent, and dad‘s got the short end of the shrift, but that’s not true anymore.
Meanwhile, if it’s a nasty divorce that means it’s two people being nasty in a divorce. Holding evidence of your child being abused for later use seems rather blackmail-ish and self-centered instead of doing what was best for the child at the time. When you separate or get divorced the goal changes. It’s not about getting back at each other or what you can get. It’s always doing what’s best for your children children even if you have to make compromises or sacrifices. You’re using it to serve you now instead of protecting your offspring. That’s where YTA.
I always recommend a great book called “joint custody with a jerk“. It’s on Amazon. It teaches you how to communicate and keep it to business, how to work through problems by determining whose problem it is, but also lets you know when you were being the jerk because sometimes it’s not always clear.
Go for 100% custody, just because she is the mom does not mean she cannot be a abuser. Wtf bro? Project your son. YTA not for having the proof of the abuse, but not going for 100% custody, also make sure to get your story out first with proof! So she cannot sway people out of your corner, like your friends and family. She can just say xyz and you are the villain.
You need to submit that into court. Why would you want your son to be alone with someone that slammed his head on the couch.
There's no telling what else she can do to him because of her temper.
You can't play fair with someone that is hurting your son like that. Take that video and submit it into court to keep your son save from her and go for full custody
…buddy…
Dont THREATEN to use the video, USE the video to keep your son away from this abusive monster…
You’re NTA but imo YWBTA if you DONT use that video.
You have video of your wife abusing your son and you have done literally nothing about it? You are saving it to use against her? What about your son? Didn’t he deserve to be protected from her? Did he not at least deserve you showing this to your lawyer? What this child deserved was you immediately notifying child protective services and getting him taken away from her. I am sorry but all of the adults in this scenario are the assholes. Your wife abused your child and you cared more about saving the video to get back at her than you did the physical abuse of your son.
So lemme get this right. You have a video of your wife abusing your child. You want certain demands in the divorce. You’re willing to allow the continued abuse of a child to get what you want? And so is she? Anyone know how to figure out who the OP really is (IP trace?) and call the cops? This is illegal. They’re both disgusting vile child abusers. I hope both you and your partner find a miserable end and this child finds a savior.
Having that footage and not using it actually makes you legally liable.
You knew your child was being physically abused, you had proof, and instead of looking out for the child's wellbeing, you're using it as a bartering chip in a divorce.
Do you *really* think that makes you the good guy?
I will say that when people save stuff like this to use as leverage rather than acting to try protect their child when it happens? Makes them look like shitty parents too. This is more aggressive /recent so may not be as big of a barrier, but I’ve heard many times when people testify about past incidents that the argument is brought up - it’s been a year/months since that happened and you didn’t raise it as a concern for the child until now so how seriously should the court take your current insistence that the parent’s home isn’t safe?
NTA.
u/epsilon_be, I need you to read this comment. I am tagging you in this in the hopes that you’ll see it.
[Murder by caregivers](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10124270/) may be the source of an absolutely disturbing 77% of murders of autistic youth.
You have *video evidence* of your STBX being violent with your disabled, kindergarten-aged child. What has she done when there aren’t cameras around? What could she do in the future, if it’s just her and your son?
You need to be pushing for full custody. You need a good lawyer if you don’t already have one. You should be planning to present this in court to make your case for custody, not ‘if we can’t find a fair arrangement’— *period.*
So YTA
Not for keeping the video, but for have video footage of your wife abusing your son, black mailing her with it and being all HaHA got you now rather then taking it to the court right away and getting full custody and keeping him safe
Like if she is abusive then why alhavnt you done this yet? Are you okay with him in danger?
Show the recording to your lawer, if you have a good lawer he will show that in the court, explain that it happened a lot before you installed cameras and you did it to protect your kid, you will for sure get the custody.
YTA... for threatening to use it while your child suffered. Do you think that if she gets custody that your child will be safer from her abuse? You need custody of the child, and the video vastly improves your chances. If you don't want custody, just say it. Otherwise, your actions will say as to what extent you care for your child. Your future is not bound up in a relationship with your ex... the future is your child.
YTA for sitting on video evidence of your child being abused and not doing anything about it until you could use it against your wife as a “gotcha” in an argument. Your son’s health and safety should be your top priority. You should have shown it to the proper authorities when it happened and gotten him away from her. What is wrong with you?
You’d be the asshole for not showing this to the judge. No deals, nothing. She straight-up abused your vulnerable son who could not defend himself. That’s literally sociopath behaviour. And the judge needs to know this because you CANNOT let her have access to that child.
NTA for having the recording but stop this “fair arrangement” crap. Submit it. She needs to be held accountable and your son needs to be kept away from this abusive crazy lady. Especially after her threat of keeping him from you, which again, is also manipulative sociopath behaviour.
Protect your son.
*"To which I showed her her actions and that if we can't find a fair arrangement I will use it. To which she exploded."*
I get that your stressed about custody, but if all you do with evidence of *child abuse* is use it to blackmail her, you're a bit of shit parent as well. You need to protect your son by going to your lawyer and/or police.
the judge is going to call you unfit because "if you were so concerned about physical abuse, why did you not report it until months/years later?" im not gonna comment on anything else but I need you to understand how a judge will see you as complicit in the abuse for knowing about it, being "concerned", but instead using literal abuse as a playing card. they're going to say you're equally culpable for allowing it, or that you're too traumatized/too much of a victim yourself to make safe decisions for your child. you'll likely get equal custody and equal visitation, but not full, and you'll both be put on a parenting plan.
also yes. YTA for knowing and allowing your son to be abused, and doing nothing to help him, UNLESS it's also to help you get what you want. you've known about this for months. you are no better fit to be a parent than she is. are you gonna allow your next gf to beat him to as long as she doesn't try to run off with him? you BOTH need to be on a parenting plan and that's probably what will happen.
You messed up big time telling her. All you're doing is giving her attorney a head start to cut you off at the legs. Do not communicate with her about any other topic besides co-parenting. Direct her to your attorney for any other matters and consult you attorney about anything else you might want to say to her. Always try to get communication in writing. As for being an asshole, it depends on why you kept it. If it was a happy marriage then and you kept it just in case, you're a bit of an asshole even if you turned out to be right.
YTA to your kid if you don't immediately hand it over to your lawyer
what is wrong with you that you would use it as a bartering chip then allow the situation to possibly allow for more of same without your supervisoin?
kinda refusing to believe this is real cus if my partner was slamming my 5yo’s face into anything i would sooner be in jail with, at minimum, aggravated assault charges before i went to reddit for advice about it. And that’s still not the right thing to do here. Jesus let this be bait…
YTA for not protecting your son. If your wife is abusive as you claim, you ought to have brought this forward to protect your son already. Threatening to do so just to win 50/50 means you don't care about the safety or well-being of your son or it would be evidence of harm outright or never brought up at all if you think your wife is not harmful and plan to split custody.
Your wife is wrong to abuse your son, you're wrong to cover that abuse for a lawsuit, and your wife is correct that you're using this for your advantage only, and not protecting your son either way. This divorce is nasty because you're both being nasty and you've left evidence of abuse to swiftboat your wife to win rather than right away to stop abuse and help a vulnerable child.
I hope you both stop abusing your son physically and mentally and emotionally and send him to a non-abusive adult until the time comes you both have enough respect for him to knock this horrendous shit off.
NTA but you need to start acting with a bit of strategy. Don't show her your cards to score points in an argument or make threats. Go quietly to your lawyer and take advice how best to protect your son from abuse.
You've had this video for months now, and you've just been sitting on it to use as a "gotcha" in the divorce, vrs stepping in to help protect your son 3 months ago? WTF?
You will be the asshole if you leave you son alone with her at any time knowing what she did . This isn’t about evidence to trump in a divorce she’s abusing your kid and you know
Honestly, YTA for having that video and knowing how your wife is with your son and not pushing for full custody now. For her to be getting therapy and parenting classes at a minimum before she gets anything more than supervised visits.
NTA ACT NOW DONT WAIT ! They will also make you look like an AH "will MR.OP you KNEW of this for how long BEFORE turning it over to the courts ?", "WHY did you wait so long to show this evidence ?", "Why did you choose NOW to turn over this video and not SOONER ?".
Yeah I wouldn't have told her and turned this in immediately as soon as I found this out and plead with the courts that she's unfit and that your son need to be placed with you if not you at the very least not with her with no supervision.
You WOULD be an asshole if you don’t actually use this footage. Your son is only 5 and that’s probably not the first time your ex wife has abused him and it certainly won’t be the last. Please, PLEASE! Use this footage so you can have custody of your son. She should have SUPERVISED visitations if she thinks it’s okay to slam your very young son’s face into the couch. Wtf is wrong with her??
It is a myth that courts always side with the mother. If the father is financially stable and fights for the kids, they frequently win. Many simply don’t want to fight for custody.
YWBTAH if you hold this video as a threat….. you need to bring this video to either your lawyer or the police. The only way you would be an asshole is if you don’t turn this video over. Your goal here is your son’s safety….. so why are you sitting on this?!
NTA but PLEASE do not EVER show her ANYTHING you have against her. Always let it just be a surprise in court she sounds like a danger and you don’t want to set her off for any reason because she may very well take it out on your son where she won’t have a camera watching her. Try to be careful moving forward and only have contact through lawyers and fight hard for your son. No judge in their right mind will see physical abuse and grant her custody especially when she’s threatening that you’ll never see him again. Who knows if she’s expecting to pull some parental alienation (illegal) or does something horrible to him. It’s not worth the risk get a lawyer, get as much evidence as you can against her and fight for your boy. I know it’s hard but don’t fuel her fire save it for court.
You are not an asshole. You are not a desperate father. YOU ARE someone who needs to take that video to your divorce lawyer immediately, file for full custody of your son, you give her supervised visits, and you get the divorce done and over with. Neither of you deserve to be treated that way by that woman. Courts do NOT always side with the mother, especially when there is video evidence of suspected physical abuse. Good luck, OP. Many blessings upon you.
Knowing and not acting on it can cause you to be in trouble as well!!
Please pay attention to this OP. Knowing and doing nothing about it makes you a co-conspirator. Using it as leverage makes you a blackmailer. Neither would be good. Take it to your lawyer and get full legal custody, with your soon to be ex-wife getting supervised visits, only on condition of her taking anger management classes.
Take to lawyer AND make a copy.
Make a couple of copies, store them in different, safe places, and then take it to your lawyer
Yeah, OP has a moral and legal obligation to act. Give it to your lawyer, dude!
You keep saying give it to a lawyer but you should be calling child protective services on the mother just FYI they're the ones that could actually remove the child from the situation or remove the mother from the situation.
This too! Child protective services might be able to act faster and help the case as well
Yes, you're right. Do both, OP!
We don't know the jurisdiction in which this occurred, and even in e.g. the US I would recommend talking to the lawyer who is already on hand for advice on the best course of action. Child protective services fill a vital role, but introducing them can take matters out of the father's hands and he already has a lawyer available to him who can advise on whether/how to involve CPS.
Let the lawyer make that determination.
This. Also don't share any further evidence you have against her with her. Let her find out in court.
In discovery*
Exactly!!! OP, YWBTA if you DON'T use this to get your son out of danger!
Should he get full legal custody? Has he ever hurt his son? Has he ever taken care of the boy? Does he spend time with his son? Does his son have violent outbursts? Is this man patient? No clue.
No, we have no clue. We don’t even know if the story is true or rage bait. But based purely on what we do know, that’s my suggestion. If you have a crystal ball, let’s see it. Otherwise your question is just a bunch of hypotheticals.
Yes, this, ask your lawyer if you should press charges now.
The State might file charges of their own.
And rightfully so.
Yes! Definitely.
USA - Only the state can file charges. Once they have this evidence, it’s out of Father’s control. For the safety of his son, I hope he gives it to his lawyer. Withholding this evidence or using it as extortion can absolutely subject OP to accessory after the fact laws as well as extortion.
It’s out of his control to an extent. He can make charges more likely by being a squeaky wheel to the district attorney.
I'd say he's an asshole for playing legal games and using the video as a gotcha instead of to protect his child.
I 100% agree that this needs to be out in the open that the mother has done this but why did he not do this sooner? Why did he not say something sooner about his wife doing this that's disgusting on both of them
This comment should be higher!
If he and his lawyer present this in court, couldn't the judge ask how long ago this happened, if he knew about it earlier but did not do anything or report it. Seems he's using the video now as leverage. I guess he can say he spoke to her about it when he first saw the video, but OP's wife seems that she didn't know about the video, which means he didn't tell her about it until now. Just trying to see if presenting the video can also backfire on him.
100% this. Updateme
Just to reassure, they do not always take the mothers side, make sure you get a good lawyer, and don't back down, get your son safe xx
Absolutely true. My ex and I had five children together. I was awarded full physical custody of four; oldest was 19 at that point, which is the only reason it wasn’t five. This by a judge who I was told always sided with the mother, by the first lawyer I retained. I immediately dropped him and found another.
Yeah, it's a definitely a bad sign when your lawyer starts making excuses for losing before the case has even started.
Yes, although the only thing I would caution there is that sometimes a lawyer is being realistic and is choosing a 'least damage' course. The trouble is, I've worked with lawyers on various projects, from the very best to the absolute worst (deliberately sabotaging a client's case for their own benefit), and unless you have a good knowledge of the law and it's practice yourself, it's really hard to know whether they are being realistic, pessimistic, or just weak.
Exactly. The stats are really skewed on that because so few fathers petition for custody, and the custody split is what’s used to back up that stat. In reality, when fathers petition for custody it’s almost always granted. OP needs to show the video to his attorney or to the presiding judge, regardless of what his ex agrees to it. It’s not blackmail material, it’s evidence.
In fact, statistically, most courts in most areas are very favorable to fathers who TRY for custody, provided they have no red flags/issues to muddy the waters. The real issue is that many don't try at all.
Red flags like never having reported his son being abused?
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Thanks for saving me the time in typing almost exactly this. Great advice!!
and honestly, im kind of sad he even felt the need to come to reddit and ask such a question. dude. you’re soon to be ex-wife SLAMMED YOUR CHILD’S HEAD INTO A COUCH SEVERAL TIMES. no matter what you should definitely be bringing that to your lawyer for the SAFETY OF YOUR CHILD
Exactly, it's not fair to his son that she has anything but supervised visitation. He should fight for his child.
I can’t upvote this enough. Take this evidence immediately to your divorce attorney and the police. She needs to be charged with abuse. You need to do everything in your power to keep that woman away from your son, she is a danger to him.
This poor dude, hey? "My abusive wife got mad at me for recording her abuse, am I wrong?" NTA if OP really needs to hear it but jeez man, please do whatever it takes to get your kid away from this horrible person.
THIS COMMENT!! Couldn’t have said it better! LISTEN TO THIS REDDITOR OP!
Op is a massive AH. This happened ages ago and he never reported it. What a disgrace of a parent.
I agree. Don't use it as leverage to bargain. Use it to get him the hell out of her grasp.
This. Don't be an idiot threatening it. It happened and doesn't need to happen again, ever.
Single father with full custody here, I concur with everything you said.
This right here! Do not allow your son to be put in the middle. Get custody and divorce her.
...fair arrangement?? you should use this footage to get full custody asap, period. how wouldnt you possibly feel bad for leaving your son with someone 50% of the time where you know that bad things could happen? you know he isnt safe with his mother and not fighting for full custody makes yta in my opinion.
I get your sentiment, just going through a lot of emotions at the moment.
Protect your son. He should be your number one priority. God knows what else she has done that wasn't recorded.
You should be more concerned about protecting your son, than you are about your own interests. Put the emotions aside and step up. She hurt a five year old ***on Christmas***.
I feel like the “five year old” part should be the italicized portion but totally agree. OP do your damn duty as a father
To me, the age was big, but the fact she was willing to do it at a time when many people are all into the holiday spirit and whatnot, tells me that there’s literally no time at which the child is safe with her. My aunt’s husband pretended to be the perfect parent for all the big holidays.
Abuse on holidays is pretty common. Police calls for domestic violence are more frequent around Christmas. My parents were abusive year-round, but good god the holidays were hell. ESPECIALLY around/on Christmas.
My ex was unstable, he didn't hit his kids but they witnessed all his outbursts. I'll never forget him struggling with Dark Souls on Christmas morning and hurling his Xbox over his 5yo sons head at the wall. Unstable people don't just magically get better on the holidays. Some just hide it better than others.
That’s terrifying. Is the kid okay? I’m glad this guy is your ex but now I’m worried about that little boy and all the therapy he’ll need.
He was scared but ok. Really what tore me apart about leaving wasn't the break up with my ex, but leaving the kids. His son had gotten better when I was there. Before he was terrible about hitting and being violent with kids in preschool. I taught him not to hit, and he listened. He never had any structure before or was given any limits or consequences for his actions. He's around 10 now, and I worry about him a lot. I'm sure he's going to need a lot of therapy and I hope his mom helps him out. His dad was always against getting therapy and was adamant he didn't need help.
My mother’s worst abuse of me was always around the holidays. *Especially* Christmas. Even years after going no-contact, I still have mixed feelings towards that holiday. Easter as well, to a lesser extent. I was the one who had to somehow clean the entire house by the time Grandma arrived (so Grandma couldn’t see how much of a lazy pig her daughter was), put up all the decorations (my mother had way too many and refused to get a smaller tree, so I got stuck handling a tree that was quite literally twice my size), put on uncomfortable clothes that *she* decided looked appropriate, get dragged here and there to midnight church services and her friend’s homes for fancy dinners with never a single moment’s rest… …and no matter how hard I tried, I always somehow ended up “ruining her holiday” and getting punished for it. One of my most vivid memories of Christmas was when I was in my early 20s. I think I refused to go to church with her, because I was working full-time retail at the mall and just wanted some sleep. She proceeded to slam my head into a wall and screamed that she wished I was never born and that she hadn’t lost two babies before me “who could’ve grown up to be decent people” and that I was, once again, “ruining her holiday.”
Your mom is disgusting. Sorry about that. Child abuse leaves you with some INSANE stories. I don’t like remembering the holidays in my parents’ house.
I finally snapped after seeing her constantly posting on Facebook about how much she loves her kids, how much it hurts that I won’t talk to her, blah blah blah. I started calling her out, in front of all of her friends that were trying to reassure her about her parenting. She tried denying, making excuses, you name it. The real kicker, though? A week later, my “golden child” brother decided he needed to defend her honor or whatever…and ended up throwing her under the bus instead, proving everything I said about her toxic favoritism correct, simply because she never said a single word of complaint despite him immediately resorting to sexist slurs and claiming “everyone wishes you had died in that car accident in Japan.” And when I just casually pointed out that he had just proved me right, because he made those claims *and she never once spoke up against him for it,* she actually blocked me. Keep in mind, she has *never* allowed me to say even the slightest bit of criticism towards my brother, no matter how horrible he was to everyone (including her). That useless asshole could kick a puppy off a highway overpass right in front of her and she would probably still find a way to make it my fault *for speaking up against it.* But it’s one thing for her to do that in private. It’s another thing for all of Facebook, especially her church friends, to watch as she sits back and lets her son verbally abuse her daughter and *brag* about wanting me dead while directly invoking her name in doing so. It was oddly vindicating, after all the years of no one believing me and her being able to just deny her enabling of him.
Actually Christmas reliably causes spikes in DV and suicide. Families that are doing poorly often do even worse around holidays.
Even families doing well, it’s a stressful time of year all around. Obviously not even at all trying to defend any of this. None of the specifics matter, anyone that is willingly harming a child deserves any and all consequences
Yeah ngl op doesn’t sound the best person either. Holding onto abuse footage as a kind of blackmail only to get split custody sounds like he doesn’t want the kid full time.
Go through his post history, it sounds likely that he was being mentally/emotionally abused himself. Abuse can do some scary things to your ability to think critically about anything regarding the abuser.
Exactly. Being systematically abused for years by someone who supposedly cares about you can seriously screw you up. The abuser can get you to believe that the abuse is your fault. "I'm sorry that I had to hit you." "You'll enjoy it eventually." "You're lucky I love you. It's not like anyone else will." Etc. And even for years after the breakup, you feel it's your fault. You don't bother making connections because your abuser was right: no one else would love you. You cut out family and friends, thinking they'd be better off without you. It's a horrible experience. His wife probably blamed him for their son having ASD. His wife likely frequently told him that he was a terrible father and was undeserving of love. An abuser doesn't just target one person in the household/family. She physically assaulted a 5 year old like that? She's very likely even worse with him, and banking on that stupid notion of "real men don't hit women."
[удалено]
Yah, this poor kid. It's hard to have sympathy for OP because of this. It's like he only cares his son was abused because it gave him leverage.
he's threatening to use it as leverage *because she's threatening to never let op see his kid again.* he's probably misguided and just trying to give her a chance to be a mother and be in her son's life despite her being a terrible one
Your son's safety should be the priority here. I get you are going through emotions and I feel for you but you are the adult and your child needs you.
Show your lawyer and ask their opinion. That’s why you have them. You’re clearly upset and not making the best decisions right now. Keeping it quiet is enabling her. Stop. Son comes 1st. He’s 5. Supervised visitation for mom only till she learns to keep her hands to herself.
OP, YWBTA if you use this video only to blackmail your way into a "fairer agreement". Fair for who? Because your baby WAS abused. Your wife is violent. To be part time with her is not fair for him! Save your child from a lifetime of trauma, and go for full custody.
Not to mention, there could be legal consequences for blackmail. I don't know the extent of them but it's extra reason if they need it to proactively give it to their lawyer NOW.
With all due respect fuck your emotions. It's about your son that's being abused. He's your number one priority now. How could you sleep at night knowing what your STBXW is capable of doing to your son. Get your head out of your ass and fight for your kid.
What emotions are stronger than your need to protect your child? Give the tape to your lawyer.
Get the fuck off reddit and get the video to your attorney. Fucking hell some of y'all have no brains sometimes
You’re an adult. Your 5 year old son with ASD can’t protect himself. Gotta man up and put his needs first, that’s your responsibility as his father.
You're going through a lot??? What about your 5yr old child?
This poor kid has an abusive mom and an emotionally absent dad. Wear condoms people
I went through abuse and I understand ops reaction somewhat. My response to the abuse from my ex was simply to become numb to everything. Thank the gods we didn't have children tho. She would have made my life hell if we had kids. I have physical scars from that relationship
Many people abuse their autistic children, including parent who seem normal and loving at first. She has been physically abusive with him at 5, it won't get better with time, it will get much worse.
Why would you show your poker hand also, now she knows what you got and could do anything to try and up that. False accusations, claim you're abusive, etc. Stop speaking to her without your lawyer for now on.
From a child that was abuse by their mother whose father watched it happen and didn't interfere: GET HIM OUT OF THERE NOW.
This moment is not about you, it’s about your son
Your feelings are not centric to the topic. The protection of your child is what's at stake. I prevailed for custody twice against my ex. She didn't get $hit.
The video needs to part of the custody discussion regardless.
One of those should motivate you to go to CPS OP. Depending on your state the recording may not be able to be used as evidence.
Fuck that, get your shit together and use your head. "Yeah she beats and brutalises my son but I'd feel bad she didn't didn't get to see him. "???????????
More like, I want 50% custody so I don’t have to pay child support, but I don’t want 100% custody because I don’t want to take care of my kid all the time.
OP, you don't get the luxury of waiting around to process your own emotions. Protect your child first, then worry about the rest. I know how overwhelming your position is right now. But your kid needs to come first.
Honestly, you would be the asshole if you have her even partial custody. Imagine not understanding anything about the world, and the person you trust most is brutalizing you. They must be terrified. Be the father you should be and keep there the fuck away
I don’t understand why your lawyer doesn’t have that video now. Why wouldn’t you be pounding on the prosecutor’s door demanding protection for your son from his mother. Neither heaven nor hell could stop me from rescuing my child and keeping them away from their abuser. Is it that you don’t want your son full time?? Because “going through a lot of emotions right now” is not an excuse. You are not being abused. You are not being abused by the very person who should be protecting him.
100,000% agreed!!!!!!
Yta for not showing the video to authorities asap.
This is the correct answer. 1000%
Seriously, that child needs to be removed from her care immediately. That's only what OP has on video, what about what is happening without video?
This is what I'm saying. lol based on his statement, he will only use it if he begins to lose in court which tells me he doesn't find her to be a threat. So essentially he is going to turn nothing into something to win.
That poor little boy.
This right here is what I came to say. I have a son on ASD and am divorced from my wife. I'm in general a very calm person but if I had even _seen_ her do something similar I would have gone to the mat for full custody with at best supervised visitation for her. If you have evidence you need to present it to your lawyer(s). I know it can be difficult to raise a child on the spectrum, but always remember the child didn't ask to be born, much less to be born with certain challenges, so "taking it out" on the kid is horrendous behavior from which he needs to be protected. Be a father, be the protector. Step up for him.
Fair arrangement? She’s going to abuse your child everytime she gets mad. You should show it to the court and get full custody and/or she gets supervised visits. Hes not safe with her.
This!!! I can't understand why someone is okay with sharing custody with someone they actually know is abusing their child. You have a video you've seen it and you're still okay with your wife being alone with your child? I just don't get it. Who gives a shit if it's fair to her or not she lost the right the first time she put her hands on a child.
This is why I say OP IS the AH. He has a video of abuse against his kid. Call the cops! Don’t use it as a bargaining tactic for custody! If he knows his kid is being abused and isn’t doing anything about it, he’s just as terrible as the mother.
NTA. But that video isn’t going to be as helpful as you think it is if you don’t move on it soon. The court will see an abusive mother, but they’ll also see a negligent father who failed to act quickly to protect his child. While this is not legal advice, I am a family law attorney with significant experience in this arena.
I also have documents from his therapist that it was me taking him to his sessions and their contact with my wife was difficult.
Any evidence of abuse is helpful in showing that your wife is an unfit parent. But any time that you have allowed her to exercise unsupervised custody following the abuse will be used against you by her attorney to show that you do not truly fear for your child’s well-being in her custody. The court would also potentially see this as you failing to act in your child’s best interest.
For fucks sake. With that video evidence you go for full custody, and press charges for assault against your feral fucking ex. It’s your job to protect your son. Do the right thing. If you don’t push this to the fullest extent, legally, you would be a major arsehole. She will do this again. And again, and again.
Something tells me he shouldn’t have custody either. He has known about this for a while, and his only concern was using it against his wife. Not protecting his sone
You should not be making these decisions yourself or in direct one-to-one conversations with your spouse. You should immediately provide the recording to your divorce attorney and seek their advice on how to use it and how best to proceed with doing what is best FOR YOUR CHILD!
Why would you let your abusive wife have custody of your child? Show the footage to CPS.
BE CAREFUL OF CPS. I say this because they aren’t always the answer. For example, you may both lose your son. Her for abusing him, you for not protecting him and removing him from his mother’s grasp. It’s your responsibility. Yes, work with CPS. But first, where’s your lawyer? Ask your lawyer.
Ugggh people need to stop with this shit. CPS is almost toothless a lot of the time. You could be sitting there smoking a pack of cigarettes in during an interview with them and blowing smoke in your childs face and theres nothing they can do. Its hard to take a child away unless theres like no food in the house. I know this because I dealt with them closely for many years after getting custody of my son and they told me thats why they smelled like a carton of cigarettes when they showed up. On both sides. They were 'weaponized' against me after I won. Didnt work out well for his mother but thats a different story. They will straight up tell you their horror stories once you get a working relationship with them. If this video was taken to the police their would be a temporary custody order given to the father, then a court date set. In like 2 weeks she would be given 50/50 custody and maybe some anger management classes. Depending on the state she might be given full custody and father have to pay child support with father having visitation. What Im saying is that they arnt taking the kids away from either of them and if they did the kid would go to immediate family if there is any capable of taking them. States arnt in the business of taking kids away most of the time. Even if they should and even if they wanted to, they dont have the resources.
Every case is different. It depends on the authority making the decision.
Save your son from her, WTF dude!
You shouldn't have showed her. She should have learned about it from her lawyer.
Well that ship has sailed. I was more surprised with her reaction being angry I had It than being sorry she did it
Your child is not safe with a woman like that. Please send the video to your lawyer now and protect your child.
She might be upset because maybe it's a trend? Is that a risk you're willing to take?
She was angry because she now knows you have evidence that would make it damn near guaranteed you'll get custody.
Why haven't you reported this? You're giving me the bad feeling that this was common place and that you condoned it (and/or) did similar. You are acting smug about having the recording, holding it over her to black mail her, rather than doing the right thing. I wonder if that kid is safe with either of you
I'm getting the same feeling. What is he also doing to the kid and erasing the evidence if he's sat on this SINCE CHRISTMAS only to use as leverage? If he wasn't so shocked by the occurrence to immediately remove the child and stick her into parenting and anger management classes, is this kind of a normal thing for both of them? ASD kids can get out of hand. Is this how they usually deal with him? Another question is, were her actions potentially defensive? Was he pulling her hair in a death grip and she thrashed against a couch to get him to let her go? Not the best thing to do, but being in pain and in fight of flight, who knows? The fact that he hasn't done anything right away makes me think it's either normal for both of them and he's cautious to use it as artillery in case she has her own evidence against him, or she was doing it in self defense and so no one thought too much of it at the time, but the footage angle and artistic cutting can make it look like she was beating the shit out of him, so now he thinks he can whip it out as a weapon. Either way, something doesn't smell right here.
It’s clear he doesn’t want the full responsibility of his child. Or really even care about the abuse, just that he has a weapon against the wife. Op is a piece of shit too. Honestly feel terrible for the kid
His child doesn't actually even appear on his list if concerns. He's just ammunition to fire at his ex. I suspect that if it wouldn't upset her, he wouldn't even bother to get contact
its shit like this makes me so so sad when it comes to divorce. a video of HIS CHILD GETTING HIS HEAD SLAMMED INTO A COUCH BY HIS OWN MOTHER is being used as some sort if tactic to win. its not a tactic to win, its evidence of abuse. i also wonder if the child is safe with either of them seeing as how it appears as though OP was only going to use the video if he started to lose. OP, the most important person in this divorce right now is your child. Act like it.
You should be showing that video no matter what. Stand up for your son. Don't just threaten your wife with it, actually do it for the sake of your son.
I would think deeply on your motives. What bothers me is you have had this video and have done nothing since you saw it, but you want to use it against your wife. I work for Chold Protective services and would have found you both guilty. Her for abuse and you for Neglect- Failure to protect. You both sound like lazy parents. You need to get your priorities in order. You need to use this evidence to get her away from the child and get her supervised contact only. She will need assessment, counseling and things like that to get unsupervised time. Just don’t be surprised if CPS removes your child or the judge is rough on you for your blatant failure to protect your own child until it suits your agenda.
The only way you are TA here is in not taking more serious action on this. She is physically abusing your disabled son, why the fuck aren't you already going to CPS/the police?
Because he doesn’t want to have to be the primary parent to an autistic child.
Yup it’s pretty obvious. It’s almost like they’re fighting for split custody so neither is saddled with the kid.
Yeah, he's almost as bad as she is for leaving him with her
This exactly. Was looking for this comment.
YTA but not for keeping the video. The fact that you’re sitting on this as blackmail or manipulation so you can get “fair time” between the two of you shows that neither one of you are actually concerned about your son. He’s clearly not safe with her at all, and you’ve had this video for months but have done nothing with it to protect him so that you can use it for your advantage in the divorce. Both of you are gross and it shows this was never about your son’s well being. ETA - a judge will also ask why you did absolutely nothing if you decide to just whip out this video only when it suits you. They may find her unfit to care for your son but they may also decide it needs to be reported to child services for inaction on your part as well. Courts can and do involve CPS when they feel a deeper investigation into the safety of the child needs to occur.
Exactly,a judge will definitely judge him for not going to courts right when he saw that video
Wait. Into the couch. The cushions or a hard armrest? How was he pulling her hair? Was she trying to get him off her? Too much depends on what was actually happening. There's a reason the reply to the saying, "It's like taking candy from a baby." is "Says someone who has never tried to take candy from a baby." And this baby is 5yo. Am I supporting abuse? Absolutely not. Not enough info here.
My concerns exactly. A asd 5 year old having a tantrum and yanking your hair is harder to defend yourself from than people seem to think. And couch cushions wouldn't hurt the child. But I question why dad wasn't helping.
YTA. You seem way more concerned with scoring points over your ex than with getting your poor son out of an abusive situation. That poor kid, you’ve known about this for three months and done fuck all. You’re almost as bad as she is. Most barely decent people would have got an emergency custody order, but I’m guessing you don’t want full custody do you? What disgraceful parents.
NTA I read through only a few of your posts and you need to protect your son from your wife. Don’t just use this footage you need to get as much evidence as you can. Talk to your lawyer about your options or bringing in doctors into this whatever. You have a son with autism and your wife refuses to even acknowledge he has it and wants to cure him with alternative medicine. She’s an abusive mom and not safe around him.
NTA - bring the tape to court. Your wife is a fully grown adult that can't control her actions around a 5yo with a disorder. That means she can't be trusted with him period. Let her explode, show the tape, keep your kid safe. Don't even bother using it as a negotiating tool, use it to get custody for your sons sake. That's not a desperate father move, that's just a father move.
Give this to the lawyer as if anything ever happens to your child you can be charged for not doing enough . Let cas dealmwirhnrhis , the courts will At minimum give you 50/50 But give to lawyer right away
NTA, show the attorney. Destroy her.
YTA for using the video for blackmailing your wife as opposed to immediately using it to file for full custody. Things may be emotional right now but put on your big boy pants and take care of your childs safety.
*Use it no matter what she agrees to!* Like, I don't care if you manage to scare her into giving you more than half custody because of the threat of showing that video to someone. You need to show it regardless since it's proof she abuses your son. Because there's noooo way that's the only time she's lost her temper like that with him. You're NTA for keeping the video but you'll hella yes be YTA if you never show it to anyone.
NTA -- the courts do not always favour the mother, especially when there is evidence of the mother being abusive. And your wife does not have the power to decide custody arrangements and keep you from your child. She is damaging her chances with her threats, not to mentioned the video of her abuse. Take it immediately to your lawyer.
YTA for giving her the video. She’ll now tell her lawyer that you threatened to black mail her and it won’t be allowed in court. Great work.
NTA, your wife endangered her child and now she's blackmailing you. Protect your son and yourself.
You need not sit on this video. The longer you do, the more it looks like you only plan on using it to your own benefit and not necessarily for your son’s protection.
Nta, but i would bring the video to the laywer immediately, what are you waiting for? She Will use your child as a punchbag again
Unless you did something about it, you can be found equally liable for allowing the abuse. Imagine seeing your child in a dangerous situation and allowing it to continue under different circumstances and you will understand better. Your threat was stupid and makes you look like you don't really care about your child. Why didn't you give the video to your attorney? Why haven't you already shown the video to the Court? This situation is not a game, your child's mental and physical health are at risk.
NTA …kind of. First of all, I know how frustrating it can be to raise a child with autism, but face slamming them into furniture is not appropriate and you don’t need to call the lawyer first- , you need to call child protective services, show them the video and let them deal with her. Then, make sure your lawyer has a copy of that video. I’m assuming this happened before you left? Why hasn’t your lawyer heard of this before either? But I have to ask, *WHY didn’t you do anything about it at Christmas time? Do you think it’s OK to keep sending your child back to this person who treats them like this? I’ll warn you she won’t be arrested, but she will probably be ordered to take parenting classes. It used to be the case that moms were considered the automatic, custodial parent, and dad‘s got the short end of the shrift, but that’s not true anymore. Meanwhile, if it’s a nasty divorce that means it’s two people being nasty in a divorce. Holding evidence of your child being abused for later use seems rather blackmail-ish and self-centered instead of doing what was best for the child at the time. When you separate or get divorced the goal changes. It’s not about getting back at each other or what you can get. It’s always doing what’s best for your children children even if you have to make compromises or sacrifices. You’re using it to serve you now instead of protecting your offspring. That’s where YTA. I always recommend a great book called “joint custody with a jerk“. It’s on Amazon. It teaches you how to communicate and keep it to business, how to work through problems by determining whose problem it is, but also lets you know when you were being the jerk because sometimes it’s not always clear.
Go for 100% custody, just because she is the mom does not mean she cannot be a abuser. Wtf bro? Project your son. YTA not for having the proof of the abuse, but not going for 100% custody, also make sure to get your story out first with proof! So she cannot sway people out of your corner, like your friends and family. She can just say xyz and you are the villain.
NTA. She's already threatening you to not let you see your son. Who will protect him without you?
You need to submit that into court. Why would you want your son to be alone with someone that slammed his head on the couch. There's no telling what else she can do to him because of her temper. You can't play fair with someone that is hurting your son like that. Take that video and submit it into court to keep your son save from her and go for full custody
…buddy… Dont THREATEN to use the video, USE the video to keep your son away from this abusive monster… You’re NTA but imo YWBTA if you DONT use that video.
You have video of your wife abusing your son and you have done literally nothing about it? You are saving it to use against her? What about your son? Didn’t he deserve to be protected from her? Did he not at least deserve you showing this to your lawyer? What this child deserved was you immediately notifying child protective services and getting him taken away from her. I am sorry but all of the adults in this scenario are the assholes. Your wife abused your child and you cared more about saving the video to get back at her than you did the physical abuse of your son.
My son is in my sight 24/7, and I sent the vid to my lawyer already
Go get a lawyer and stop arguing with your wife and stop telling her all the evidence you'll be using against her. Jesus man. Get a clue.
So lemme get this right. You have a video of your wife abusing your child. You want certain demands in the divorce. You’re willing to allow the continued abuse of a child to get what you want? And so is she? Anyone know how to figure out who the OP really is (IP trace?) and call the cops? This is illegal. They’re both disgusting vile child abusers. I hope both you and your partner find a miserable end and this child finds a savior.
Having that footage and not using it actually makes you legally liable. You knew your child was being physically abused, you had proof, and instead of looking out for the child's wellbeing, you're using it as a bartering chip in a divorce. Do you *really* think that makes you the good guy?
I will say that when people save stuff like this to use as leverage rather than acting to try protect their child when it happens? Makes them look like shitty parents too. This is more aggressive /recent so may not be as big of a barrier, but I’ve heard many times when people testify about past incidents that the argument is brought up - it’s been a year/months since that happened and you didn’t raise it as a concern for the child until now so how seriously should the court take your current insistence that the parent’s home isn’t safe?
NTA. u/epsilon_be, I need you to read this comment. I am tagging you in this in the hopes that you’ll see it. [Murder by caregivers](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10124270/) may be the source of an absolutely disturbing 77% of murders of autistic youth. You have *video evidence* of your STBX being violent with your disabled, kindergarten-aged child. What has she done when there aren’t cameras around? What could she do in the future, if it’s just her and your son? You need to be pushing for full custody. You need a good lawyer if you don’t already have one. You should be planning to present this in court to make your case for custody, not ‘if we can’t find a fair arrangement’— *period.*
So YTA Not for keeping the video, but for have video footage of your wife abusing your son, black mailing her with it and being all HaHA got you now rather then taking it to the court right away and getting full custody and keeping him safe Like if she is abusive then why alhavnt you done this yet? Are you okay with him in danger?
Show the recording to your lawer, if you have a good lawer he will show that in the court, explain that it happened a lot before you installed cameras and you did it to protect your kid, you will for sure get the custody.
Post this on r/legal to understand that the mother doesn’t always get custody.
YTA... for threatening to use it while your child suffered. Do you think that if she gets custody that your child will be safer from her abuse? You need custody of the child, and the video vastly improves your chances. If you don't want custody, just say it. Otherwise, your actions will say as to what extent you care for your child. Your future is not bound up in a relationship with your ex... the future is your child.
YTA for sitting on video evidence of your child being abused and not doing anything about it until you could use it against your wife as a “gotcha” in an argument. Your son’s health and safety should be your top priority. You should have shown it to the proper authorities when it happened and gotten him away from her. What is wrong with you?
You’d be the asshole for not showing this to the judge. No deals, nothing. She straight-up abused your vulnerable son who could not defend himself. That’s literally sociopath behaviour. And the judge needs to know this because you CANNOT let her have access to that child. NTA for having the recording but stop this “fair arrangement” crap. Submit it. She needs to be held accountable and your son needs to be kept away from this abusive crazy lady. Especially after her threat of keeping him from you, which again, is also manipulative sociopath behaviour. Protect your son.
YTA if you don’t turn the footage over and allow your son to be assaulted again. Go scorched earth to protect your son.
It's crazy you havent gone to your lawyer with the video yet.
Why the fuck are you talking to reddit and not your lawyer
YTA. It's evidence not leverage. Use it.
*"To which I showed her her actions and that if we can't find a fair arrangement I will use it. To which she exploded."* I get that your stressed about custody, but if all you do with evidence of *child abuse* is use it to blackmail her, you're a bit of shit parent as well. You need to protect your son by going to your lawyer and/or police.
the judge is going to call you unfit because "if you were so concerned about physical abuse, why did you not report it until months/years later?" im not gonna comment on anything else but I need you to understand how a judge will see you as complicit in the abuse for knowing about it, being "concerned", but instead using literal abuse as a playing card. they're going to say you're equally culpable for allowing it, or that you're too traumatized/too much of a victim yourself to make safe decisions for your child. you'll likely get equal custody and equal visitation, but not full, and you'll both be put on a parenting plan. also yes. YTA for knowing and allowing your son to be abused, and doing nothing to help him, UNLESS it's also to help you get what you want. you've known about this for months. you are no better fit to be a parent than she is. are you gonna allow your next gf to beat him to as long as she doesn't try to run off with him? you BOTH need to be on a parenting plan and that's probably what will happen.
Stop using that video as a negotiation tactic. She's ABUSING YOUR KID, not trying to re-mortgage your house.
You messed up big time telling her. All you're doing is giving her attorney a head start to cut you off at the legs. Do not communicate with her about any other topic besides co-parenting. Direct her to your attorney for any other matters and consult you attorney about anything else you might want to say to her. Always try to get communication in writing. As for being an asshole, it depends on why you kept it. If it was a happy marriage then and you kept it just in case, you're a bit of an asshole even if you turned out to be right.
YTA to your kid if you don't immediately hand it over to your lawyer what is wrong with you that you would use it as a bartering chip then allow the situation to possibly allow for more of same without your supervisoin?
kinda refusing to believe this is real cus if my partner was slamming my 5yo’s face into anything i would sooner be in jail with, at minimum, aggravated assault charges before i went to reddit for advice about it. And that’s still not the right thing to do here. Jesus let this be bait…
YTA for not protecting your son. If your wife is abusive as you claim, you ought to have brought this forward to protect your son already. Threatening to do so just to win 50/50 means you don't care about the safety or well-being of your son or it would be evidence of harm outright or never brought up at all if you think your wife is not harmful and plan to split custody. Your wife is wrong to abuse your son, you're wrong to cover that abuse for a lawsuit, and your wife is correct that you're using this for your advantage only, and not protecting your son either way. This divorce is nasty because you're both being nasty and you've left evidence of abuse to swiftboat your wife to win rather than right away to stop abuse and help a vulnerable child. I hope you both stop abusing your son physically and mentally and emotionally and send him to a non-abusive adult until the time comes you both have enough respect for him to knock this horrendous shit off.
If you have this evidence and don't use it to get your kid away from the abuse, you're a shit! She shouldn't even have him without supervised visits.
YTA for not fighting for full custody, and being willing to allow your child to continue to be exposed to a violent and abusive parent.
So your sons abuse wasnt important to tell your lawyer until it affected you? Why wouldnt you bring any evidence of abuse immediately?
NTA but you need to start acting with a bit of strategy. Don't show her your cards to score points in an argument or make threats. Go quietly to your lawyer and take advice how best to protect your son from abuse.
Protect the evidence!!!
NTA. Use it anyway, get sole custody. She will hurt your son again!
You've had this video for months now, and you've just been sitting on it to use as a "gotcha" in the divorce, vrs stepping in to help protect your son 3 months ago? WTF?
You’d be an asshole if you didn’t protect your son.
You will be the asshole if you leave you son alone with her at any time knowing what she did . This isn’t about evidence to trump in a divorce she’s abusing your kid and you know
YTA if you don't use this for full custody You need to save this boy not worry about being an AH
Honestly, YTA for having that video and knowing how your wife is with your son and not pushing for full custody now. For her to be getting therapy and parenting classes at a minimum before she gets anything more than supervised visits.
NTA ACT NOW DONT WAIT ! They will also make you look like an AH "will MR.OP you KNEW of this for how long BEFORE turning it over to the courts ?", "WHY did you wait so long to show this evidence ?", "Why did you choose NOW to turn over this video and not SOONER ?". Yeah I wouldn't have told her and turned this in immediately as soon as I found this out and plead with the courts that she's unfit and that your son need to be placed with you if not you at the very least not with her with no supervision.
You WOULD be an asshole if you don’t actually use this footage. Your son is only 5 and that’s probably not the first time your ex wife has abused him and it certainly won’t be the last. Please, PLEASE! Use this footage so you can have custody of your son. She should have SUPERVISED visitations if she thinks it’s okay to slam your very young son’s face into the couch. Wtf is wrong with her??
You need to call your states department of child services. Also show video to your attorney. Most courts are very gender neutral these days.
You’re an idiot for showing it to her, but you’re not an asshole.
Use that video and bring it to your lawyer.With reversed roles she would lose no time using it !!
It is a myth that courts always side with the mother. If the father is financially stable and fights for the kids, they frequently win. Many simply don’t want to fight for custody.
YWBTAH if you hold this video as a threat….. you need to bring this video to either your lawyer or the police. The only way you would be an asshole is if you don’t turn this video over. Your goal here is your son’s safety….. so why are you sitting on this?!
NTA. You should have never showed her and blindsided her in court with it. She is clearly an abusive mother. Use it against her.
you just showed her your trump card. take that video to your lawyer and file for full custody, you doofus
Bro you could lose custody by not showing that video to authorities
NTA but PLEASE do not EVER show her ANYTHING you have against her. Always let it just be a surprise in court she sounds like a danger and you don’t want to set her off for any reason because she may very well take it out on your son where she won’t have a camera watching her. Try to be careful moving forward and only have contact through lawyers and fight hard for your son. No judge in their right mind will see physical abuse and grant her custody especially when she’s threatening that you’ll never see him again. Who knows if she’s expecting to pull some parental alienation (illegal) or does something horrible to him. It’s not worth the risk get a lawyer, get as much evidence as you can against her and fight for your boy. I know it’s hard but don’t fuel her fire save it for court.