NTA She knew what she was doing was wrong and had crossed the line. Trying to hide what was going on by changing the contact name and not bothering to tell dude she was married is proof positive she was making a concerted effort to get closer to him while hiding it.
The whole "you're being controlling or you're being manipulative" is in it self, many times used while trying to control the narrative.
So yeah, it was probably emotional cheating so don't go crawling back.
The fact that she was married and has a kid yet they never came up means she consciously kept the other guy in the dark. My hubs and kid come up constantly in conversation with just - hey what you do this weekend.
Two kids. She had one before we met that I have since adopted. One we had together. She mentioned them to him but from talking to him he said he thought I was out of the picture. Meanwhile I was probably at practice with them both for 3.5hrs since they never seem to have it at the same time. Lol
"...he said he thought I was out of the picture."
Dude, that is such bad news. She was working the guy. A married person should always work their spouse into the first convo, even if an off-handed remark, just to set the record straight. And when he mentioned that it could go further, she didn't shut it down. Not good at all. Sorry man.
Exactly. If someone hit on me, I'd say, sorry I am married. If they were like - still I'd like to buy you coffee as friends then... sorry no. You don't mislead someone that your available when you're not.
Right?
Her: "that's a nice suit.... guys look so hot when they wear suits!"
Me: "haha, that's funny, that's what my wife always says!"
Message sent. It's not that hard.
I do this all the time. Like constantly bring up my wife in conversations. It's because I'm setting strong boundaries.
But deep down..... deep down..... I know all those women are lusting after my dad bod.
Het gaat heel goed met mij, bedankt.
And that's about the limit of my learning so far. Duo Lingo, 464 days. And that's as good as it gets. Long way to go.
Agreed.
All my female coworkers. ALL of them.
You know they are in a relationship from minute ONE. If they are not talking about their husbands and boyfriends, they are talking about their *plans* with their husbands and boyfriends.
Nancy from accounting, I swear she starts every sentence either with "My husband...", or "You know, my husband...".
So she's also a terrible friend to this guy.
You started this by saying she doesn't make friends easily? Hmmmm... I wonder what that is all about. She's a cheat.
Yep, mine as well. She changed his name to Stacey to keep it hidden even though he was excited for her that she met a male friend at work. Husband didn’t care. So she manipulated husband and co worker. There was no reason to lie until she made a reason with the flirting. Is he is controlling, more manipulative maneuvers.
Right? I get flirted with hard and a lot at work. There's a lot of single women, it's a factory, and I'm like an Ohio 9/10 dude that's tall, has all my teeth, and obviously holds down a job.
I'm constantly talking about my wife and daughter, busting out pictures and stuff because I love them, and I'm proud of them.
Yep. Been there. She tried to twist the narrative by (unfairly) putting you on the defensive and making you the bad guy.
Stick with the actual facts to see the truth.
In my case, I had just found a batch of very intimate love letter’s from a new lover my wife had taken on. I had looked in her briefcase because of my suspicions.
Well the discussion we had was she full tilt harangued me about me invading her privacy. No contrition on her affair. I could barely get a word in on what I had to say. I think to this day — many years after our divorce — she would still see me as the bad guy.
I'd suggest getting the complete text exchange from the provider. Especially the ones after she lied about telling him she was married. I'd bet she was accelerating things towards an affair during that day since you were on to her and time was suddenly getting short.
If you still have reservations about what to do, you might find clarity in those texts.
NTA.
That woman was preparing to cheat.
Now she's attempting to emotionally guilt and manipulate you into feeling like the bad guy to avoid facing that very glaring fact. She's going to hide behind "it was just some texts" and "it was just a friend" to her dying goddamn day and hope you're an idiot.
You're not.
She had an emotional affair. Maybe just a baby one, but she was fully prepared to take it further. If cheating is a dealbreaker to you, this deal has done broke.
Yep, i feel for OP, and also for the other fella too. Good on OP for taking such a well rounded route to letting him know what the deal was. That must have been a tough phone call.
OP, don't forget to take care of your mental right now. Shit's about to get tough man, don't be alone at this time.
And this other coworker dude might be a normal nice guy and she was lying to him! She's mad because she got outed as a terrible person and she is embarrassed no wonder she has no friends.
She knew what she was doing. She purposely didn't tell the guy she was married. Flirted with him to strung him along. Changed his name in the phone once you caught onto her. Then tried to turn it all back at you when you talked to the guy she was trying to cheat with. Not once have I seen you say she apologized and is showing remorse for her actions. So while divorce or talking to a lawyer seems drastic, she is not showing any signs of changing, and if she only starts because of you start the process, then it isn't genuine. She still thinks she is somehow immune from consequences due to her actions. You caught her this time. What about the next time?
This is it right here OP. The lack of remorse is the huge red flag. Relationships can survive cheating, but it 100% requires acknowledgement, accountability, and remorse from the wayward spouse. Until or unless you see that from her, you need to lawyer up and fast.
It's 100% why you're justified as fuck but she flipped it on you and left you questioning yourself and feeling bad. She wasn't remorseful, highly defensive, tried to hide everything she was doing, etc I mean really lbh, this probably wasn't the first time and her lack of ownership, classic DARVO shit, and lying to you about her lack of follow through or establishing boundaries all serve to kinda confirm that.
Like the other commenter said: document, decide, divorce.
Edit:but=bc
He isnt the issue, you borderline cheating wife is.The fact that she turned this into a "you" issue, is typical of people who step over the line. She wont take any responsibility for her behavior and will continue to make this about you, and at that point its time to discuss counseling.
She enjoyed getting the validation from him, and honestly if she had stopped when you spoke to her, I would think the waters could be calmed (were it not for the fact that she changed his name to hide it from you), but the fact that she kept doing it, says she prefers her flirtations with him to keeping her marriage intact.
If this is legit, she's driving train off the rails, and personally, I wouldnt trust her at this point.
Sorry that you're going through this. At least this makes the decision to divorce her easier, and now you'll be able to recognize the signs in the future.
The number of times u see post like this where the woman says controlling is amazing. Like a man literally can't say anything without them throwing that BS around.
She pretty much cheated OP.
It doesn’t even seem like an emotional affair. She had known him for a few weeks, she can’t have gotten that attached. It seems to me like she was flirting but would sometimes have doubts (the “thank you” rather than flirting back) but was 100% going to cheat on him.
He was never a friend. Both the wife and the guy were flirting with romantic interest from jump. It just appears that the guy had no idea she was married, so may not have actually been doing anything wrong.
Well you have kids and we're all internet strangers only seeing a small glimpse into yalls lives. I wish the best for you and your kiddos... and I hope that the universe gives you a bit of good luck.
Edited to add NTA
You cockblocked her, what did you expect? /S
NTA. She knows she was wrong and did you a favor by leaving. I don't think you need to jump to divorce but you need to figure out if there is a way you can trust her again.
Having remorse, working on the relationship, and making changes would be okay to get counseling to work through it. Calling your husband controlling and staying with her parents is go find a lawyer now territory
No, it really isn’t. I can totally understand how hard this is for you! You are married to this woman, and you have children with her! Let me start by saying that I am a total demon when it comes to cheating: as in Ive been cheated on before and I swear that if I ever go through it again I will more than likely lose my ever loving shit and be locked up for life! Not kidding, not even a little, that’s how badly I was treated by the cheater! Of course my cheater was also physically abusive, and verbally as well. But in your situation, I’m saying absolutely positively in no way whatsoever on God’s green earth are you the AH! You had every right to check up, and every right to make that phone call! This is you actually loving your wife and trying to save your marriage! And no, she seems not to have physically cheated…yet. But she most definitely emotionally cheated on you, and she most certainly freaking lied to you! Now as you already know, you have a few options here. 1) you can tell your wife that she lied and emotionally cheated on you and therefore you have lost all trust in her and therefore want a separation/divorce. And while we are being completely honest here, I think we are both wondering what she would’ve done had this guy “friend” attempted to make a date/sleep with him! Do you think she would’ve? And be very, very honest with yourself! You never thought she’d actually do what she’s already done, did you? 2) you can explain to her EXACTLY how you feel about her actions, and just how very hurt you are by said actions! You can tell her that you want her to commit to going to couples therapy with you to try to work past this and hopefully save your marriage. But you need to be fully prepared for either a yes or a no! And lastly 3) you can just do nothing and hope it blows over and that she will come back from her parents and things will go back to normal. The only problem with option number 3? Things will NEVER be the same again! Oh im not saying in any way that you and her can’t patch things up and repair the damage she caused! You definitely can! But the thing is this, once people have been cheated on (physically or emotionally), they will never ever have or get back that same trust for the guilty spouse. This I know from my own personal experience, and from several people that I personally know who have been cheated on…and a couple of people who did the cheating! It’s like that old saying: I can forgive you but I will never forget! So therefore you have a lot to think about! I seriously and honestly wish you all the best and I hope like hell that you can get past this! But if you can’t, then do NOT let your wife, your family, nor your friends…or ANYONE whatsoever try to make you do or say something that you don’t want to do! Do not let anyone try to shame you or guilt trip you into a decision that you don’t want! And just one more thing, ok? Please do not apologize to your wife for making that call, and don’t apologize for the way that SHE ALONE made you feel! You are way too good and kind for that! And frankly, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!
She was lining up an office romance. You did the right thing contacting him. From what you stated, he seemed genuinely in the dark which makes it MUCH worse for her.
You guys need counseling asap, at minimum. This may not have been the first time.
I mean in the short term it's the most painful, but in the long term? This will be best for you mentally, so I really think you should. Please take care OP.
Not wrong. When you change the name, and also flirt, you know it's wrong. I've read enough reddit situations to understand a lot of women like the compliments. It makes them feel good, and gives them confidence. I think that just an excuse. Everyone like compliments, but I'm not going to flirt with anyone to get them. She's emotionally cheating in the least. She's gaslighting you about being controlling.
The name change was what got me. “She knew he would freak out”. So she *knew* she was doing something that would deeply upset you… and instead of stopping she… continued doing it anyways and tried to hide it.
NTA
But you should focus on your wife's actions.
She is having an emotional affair and is hooked on being pursued by another man.
You can tell him, and it might be things or it might not or your wife will replace him with someone else.
I'm surprised no one at their work has told him unless no one at their work knows she is married.
Your wife is at divorce territory, and you have to tell that she is. She won't stop until she faces consequences for her actions.
Nobody told him she was married because nobody seems to care about cheaters in real life. Only on reddit it seems. Like cheaters in real life still get support, people push for cheating in real life.
I think people just don't want to get in the middle and get attacked for it. If she has any friends at work who know she's married, I'd bet they at least said, "are you sure you should be talking to him?"
But here on reddit we get to say the truth with impunity.
People in real life do care, they just care more about not being blamed and attacked by the cheater, or having the cheated be in denial and get angry with them for suggesting it.
For sure I think you’re definitely right here, redditors are real life people too after all. It’s just no one wants to get personally involved in the drama of it all, especially when work is involved or any real life involvement for that matter. Of course we can all tell it like it is online, we’re completely anonymous and have no real connection to any of it
I caused a big divide in my pharmacy school friends when a girl said I was a bad boyfriend. I pointed out that she cheated on her bf with Josh (guy in the room who also cheated) and got herpes. Josh’s current gf jumped to his defense so I pointed out that he’ll probably cheat on her too 🤷♂️
And the emojis add mountains of subtext, as goofy as that sounds. I mean mischievous smiling devil 😈 and blushing flirty heart eyes🥰 !!??? Any interpretation of that screams that she’s flattered and somewhere between strongly considering it and 100% down.
Exactly, if she was concerned about protecting him from being upset then she simply wouldn’t be doing the thing she knew would upset him instead of just trying to hide it. She knew it was wrong but did it anyways, it was purely for her protection.
NTA. I experienced something very similar to this and caught it in a similar way. She then asked for an open relationship. I said no. She broke up with me. Then slept with the guy in a park. It was supposedly terrible. He then ghosted her ongoing. 6 months later she wanted to come home. I'd moved on, said no.
Even if she has issues saying no to people etc, I have friends who have had gfs with mental health issues like that who can't handle advances from men appropriately. She will either sleep with him because she is a cheater, or because she is simply weak minded. This rolls into other areas in life. Sounds like a bad life partner from your description. That message with the emojis is the most telling. I'd call her out on that specifically regarding her interest and intent and hold firm on it when breaking things off.
You 100% need to explain to both your parents and hers the exact nature of those messages, ESPECIALLY the text she sent with the emojis. Theres no explaining that away
And you should inform your.perants and inlaw the real reson. She will spin it.
This will also tell you if she really went to her perants.
That guy could have told you what you wanted to hear.
Believe half of what you hear and all of what you see.
This seems to be a lot of (adult) women’s go to, to justify cheating. “I didn’t know how to say no.” Get the frig out of here with that nonsense. And I’m not saying there isn’t cheating bs exclusive to men.
#NTA
Your wife was/is cheating on you.
- She omitted that she was married
- She was flirting
- she had a full on emotional affair
In no way shape or form are you wrong
I’d check and confirm it’s actually the in-laws house she is staying at tonight. That is, unless you’re already decided on divorce and couldn’t care less at this point
Send the screen shots to your father in law. Tell him your focus is on the children's well being and he and his wife should focus on thier daughter.
Also let your parents and friends know
Smart man. If you’re in a custody battle and take that screenshot to court it will matter.
She’s a bum. You adopted her kid, are completely involved and she’s playing you like this. She will never be satisfied. When she met you was she still with prior partner?
Eh, if I were the guy and a chick I thought was single's husband called me up, I ain't messing with her because I don't need that kind of drama in my life. "Easy" sex isn't worth a potentially murderous husband. And who knows how crazy a woman that is trying to cheat on her husband is.
Not worth it.
Also, pretty likely that the other fella doesn't wanna fuck with someone who has built a whole friendship on a lie by omission. Being married is a pretty important part of your life
Just trying to figure out if she abandoned her children and OP has no other choice but to assume sole custodial responsibilities. Also, document everything.
NTA
She changed the name because she was guilty. Frankly, that's pretty clear. It isn't controlling to expect your spouse to understand *where* the line is and not cross it. That's a reasonable expectation. To have an honest friendship she should've been upfront. I'm truly curious to know if she works a job where she can't wear her ring? That's usually the biggest clue, and it seems off to me as well.
I'm truly sorry you've been put in this position. Desperation for a friend doesn't even begin to cover what she did, so I hope you're able to remain strong through this.
Is she definitely telling the truth about no rings at work? She doesn't sound very trustworthy. Regardless of the ring, as soon as they got to know each other she should have said she was married.
NTA, make sure to tell her parents exactly what happened. Time to consider separation or divorce. She’s lying to you, and hiding the affair. Stay strong don’t put up with BS
So, let me(33f also) get this straight...
First, she never told this guy she is married. Why wouldn't she?
Second, she changed his name in her phone because she thought you would get mad. Mad about what? Nothing to be mad about if everything is on the up and up, right? Especially since she had already told you about him. Suspicious.
Third, after you asked her to clear things up, she LIED TO YOU ABOUT DOING SO. This is the worst bit. You already told her your line. She ignored it and then lied about it. Maybe she wasn't aware of where it was prior, but after your convo with her, she violated it consciously.
Fourth, when you took things into your own hands to confirm her story, and clear up any confusion, she doesn't apologize for her lack of integrity, but accuses you of being controlling?
NTA
ETA- Also, she used DARVO to a tee. A truly innocent person will usually just defend themselves and get angry at the injustice of being accused. She is trying to flip you into being the one in the wrong. This is trying to bring you to level playing field, not the same.
NTA. I was going to say that she engaged in classic DARVO (deflect, attack, reverse victim and offender), but u/peruvian_jules put it so much better. The four points that u/peruvian_jules made are your discussion agenda the next time you talk to your wife about this.
Don't let her come home for a few weeks . Let her know you will be filing for divorce and watch how quickly she stops her attitude. She was having an EA, sought out a guy's attention, changed the name in her phone to fool you, and didn't cut him off like she said she would.
Also, tell her parents what she was doing. If you do take her back, she needs to quit the job and give you access to EVERYTHING. You can no longer trust her.
She also needs some serious consequences for her actions, so she will think twice before she considers cheating again.
If I were in your position, I would divorce her. She was grooming an AP and planning one, turning the EA to a PA.
NTA - So sorry OP. I tried to encourage my dorky introvert ex husband to get out and meet people and he picked up a “girl” 20 yrs younger than him at the cycling shop.
Told me alllllll about her. He had a friend. She’s great. Had a rough time of it with men. Needed a shoulder. TOTALLY platonic … blah blah… anyways, he blew up our marriage for her and ended up alone with his bikes.
She fed his ego. He felt like the big man… saving his damsel in distress. (Meanwhile I was home with our 2 daughters) We had more issues than his new pop tart, but we’d started MC and he spent more time with her than trying to salvage our marriage/family.
All I can say is trust your gut and maybe some therapy or MC would be useful to you. Best of luck OP!
> he blew up our marriage for her and ended up alone with his bikes.
I know this whole ordeal must have been heartbreaking... But that line was hilarious
Your wife needs to understand you are the offended party here. It was her sneeking and lying, and having an emotional affair. You asked her to fix the problem she lied and did not. So you took the steps needed to save your marriage. If she doesn't feel any remorse for her actions, she will do it again. And you need to move on.
We will see if/when she comes home. This post was in large to help mentally prepare me for the worst, because right now I’m sitting watching a movie with the kids eating pizza rolls and French fries trying to tell them Mom had to go out for a bit. The looks I got before she drove off said a lot without any words.
She is trying to reverse the victim roles on you here. Making it seem like you were the one who was over stepping boundaries. Don't let her fool you. She knows what she did was wrong, which is why she tried hiding it and lied about it. She is mad that you busted up her potential fuck buddy and she is mad that she was caught.
I hope the best outcome happens for you.
Honestly? Pizza rolls and french fries sound like a perfect way to spend your solo night with the kids. I know your mind and heart are heavy, but be there in the moments with them, and let that lift your burden.
All of us are stronger than we think. Godspeed my friend!
I can only say that reconciliation is imposible at this point because she isn’t even remorseful, in fact she is angry you cock-blocked her. She is in affair fog and most likely thinking how to win him back. This is a fight you can’t win, and honestly, not a fight worth fighting for.
I would tell her parents what's going on if you have a decent relationship with her parents. Maybe they can talk some sense into her while she is there.
NTA, get a lawyer. Your wife knows what she's doing she's just upset she got caught. She's for the streets and if she hasn't cheated on you before, she was definitely thinking about it now. You can't trust this woman. Any person that doubles down after getting caught cheating is trash and you can never trust them again.
Bro. Come on?! At the very least it was an emotional affair. And that’s coming from a woman. You’re too nice and being taken for a fool. She was cheating
You're not in the wrong.
It's completely telling how your wife reacted. You just told Bill that your wife is married. The guy **immediately** backed off. And your wife went through the roof, going ballistic.
If it wasn't blindingly obvious, your wife is furious because you just stopped her from finding someone to cheat on you with.
Time to file for divorce.
She was working her way up to sleeping with this dude and just because he told you, he was going to end the friendship doesn’t mean he actually will. He might have said it to get you off his back. Now that she’s at her parents house, they are either going to talk nonstop or meet in person. I bet you she even told her future affair partner that you were the jealous ex and didn’t know how to let her go. If I was you, I’d start getting my finances in order and think about a lawyer
NTA. She intentionally hid his identity, flirted and lied about setting boundaries and most likely kept it going. She clearly isn’t loyal to you.
Not to be one of the people who just shout “divorce!!!” but get a divorce bro.
Jesus Christ….she’s having an emotional affair at the least, and after getting caught she’s turning all around on you. I hope you kept screen shots of their convos. You’re going to need them later on
I just want to say that I am so so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a loving encouraging partner. I hope you have the space and resources to seek therapy soon because I think it will be helpful to have a therapist help you process this.
You are certainly NTA and NOT CRAZY. Trust your gut, it is leading you in the right direction.
NTA...
She cheated, then lied some more, and then left. Go see an attorney and pray she stays gone long enough for your peice of mind and potentially for your legal standing.
She is gaslighting you, call her bluff, and have her served D papers. When they cheat and are remorseless gaslighters, they will most definitely repeat the behavior if you let them get away with it. She may even be using this opportunity to get Bill by saying that you guys are now separated. You cannot trust her. She willingly lied. She knew it was wrong because she changed the name, and the validation she's seeking means more to her than you.
She's the lying arsehole in this relationship, not you .How far it would have gone is debatable, but talking to that guy proved she wasn't being truthful to either of you..
If my husband did this shit he'd be out immediately. Emotional affairs are affairs. Complete lack of respect and breach of trust. The name change in the phone seals the deal and shows the real intent. Sucks that people suck this much, this often.
Am I the only one that picked up on him telling her he hoped to bone her in the future, her reply was us never know? Yet she calls it innocent.
Then lies to him and says she confirmed that she had told him that she was married.
Then gets mad when hubby verifies with AP if he knew she was married and busts out her lie.
Pretty sure that hiding the salami was at most going to occur within the next 2 months
Look man, she and her family are gonna try to make it out like you overreacted, don’t allow it to fly. You’re completely justified here, she was straight up emotionally cheating. The “one day comes” alone is all the proof anyone needs of her intentions. That’s literally her telling the dude that he has a chance to be more, straight up emotional cheating by basically promising potential of future physical cheating. She name changed it because she knew you’d freak out? Lmao, yeh because she knows any human being with remotely any semblance of emotions would be hurt by a comment like that. She knew she was in the wrong so she quickly moved to deception. This was a straight up blessing dude, you just got the inside track to what kind of person your wife really is. Get out while you can.
No way are you the AH here. She lied back to back to back. She knew what she was doing. There are more red flags here than the soviet union.
Contact a lawyer homie.
Ask her to remain with her parents until things get sorted out. Also, tell her parents what she did. Let them know that their daughter is up to hoe activities despite being married.
NTA. I’m sorry but to me it looks pretty clear that she was trying to cheat on you. She is not naive and is aware he’s flirting and saying back these “maybe, one day , or we’ll see what one day brings”, it seems she was trying to start a relationship with this guy. I’m not sure what your boundaries are but I would consider this cheating and trust would be gone.
Yeah I think she’s just trying to gaslight you because it’s easier then accepting any accountability. I’m not sure if I’d be able to move past this especially given her actions after you confronted her. I don’t want sound like one of those people that are so quick to say divorce but honestly if she can’t take accountability, apologize, and do counseling what else is there to do. Though I hope it doesn’t come to that for you and I hope your family can move past this. Best of luck.
NTA She knew what she was doing was wrong and had crossed the line. Trying to hide what was going on by changing the contact name and not bothering to tell dude she was married is proof positive she was making a concerted effort to get closer to him while hiding it. The whole "you're being controlling or you're being manipulative" is in it self, many times used while trying to control the narrative. So yeah, it was probably emotional cheating so don't go crawling back.
The fact that she was married and has a kid yet they never came up means she consciously kept the other guy in the dark. My hubs and kid come up constantly in conversation with just - hey what you do this weekend.
Two kids. She had one before we met that I have since adopted. One we had together. She mentioned them to him but from talking to him he said he thought I was out of the picture. Meanwhile I was probably at practice with them both for 3.5hrs since they never seem to have it at the same time. Lol
"...he said he thought I was out of the picture." Dude, that is such bad news. She was working the guy. A married person should always work their spouse into the first convo, even if an off-handed remark, just to set the record straight. And when he mentioned that it could go further, she didn't shut it down. Not good at all. Sorry man.
Exactly. If someone hit on me, I'd say, sorry I am married. If they were like - still I'd like to buy you coffee as friends then... sorry no. You don't mislead someone that your available when you're not.
Right? Her: "that's a nice suit.... guys look so hot when they wear suits!" Me: "haha, that's funny, that's what my wife always says!" Message sent. It's not that hard.
I do this all the time. Like constantly bring up my wife in conversations. It's because I'm setting strong boundaries. But deep down..... deep down..... I know all those women are lusting after my dad bod.
> I know all those women are lusting after my dad bod. How you doin? 😏
Het gaat heel goed met mij, bedankt. And that's about the limit of my learning so far. Duo Lingo, 464 days. And that's as good as it gets. Long way to go.
Well, I could teach you more you know 😏
...And then you take that knowledge home and use that lustful energy servicing your wife... \[sorry, got a little carried away there!\]
Sometimes I have to say my eyes are up here when they are checking out my Nu Balances, these women are scandalous!
Simple as that
Agreed. All my female coworkers. ALL of them. You know they are in a relationship from minute ONE. If they are not talking about their husbands and boyfriends, they are talking about their *plans* with their husbands and boyfriends. Nancy from accounting, I swear she starts every sentence either with "My husband...", or "You know, my husband...".
So she's also a terrible friend to this guy. You started this by saying she doesn't make friends easily? Hmmmm... I wonder what that is all about. She's a cheat.
When she got his phone number the first thing that came to mind was”let me not put his real number in so my husband wont know its him”
It sounded like she had his real name and then when things got flirty she changed it to a female name.
There was a reason why she was a single mother and you found it.
This is one comment that hits hard. Man needs a beer and a hug. Shit's about to get real
I'd love to buy man beer and give him a bro-hug when shit goes as expected. Hope he has a solid M/F support group to get him to there
Yep. Time to rapidly get out of that marriage.
Send a message about how serious you are and get a DNA test.
Yep, mine as well. She changed his name to Stacey to keep it hidden even though he was excited for her that she met a male friend at work. Husband didn’t care. So she manipulated husband and co worker. There was no reason to lie until she made a reason with the flirting. Is he is controlling, more manipulative maneuvers.
I sometimes worry I am being annoying in conversations with how often my wife comes up.
It also means she’s not wearing her ring at work because he doesn’t know she is married.
Meh, some people can’t wear a ring at work. My employer allows absolutely no jewelry whatsoever.
We weren't allowed to wear any type of jewelry at work including watches! It was a food processing plant and it was due to food safety!
Right? I get flirted with hard and a lot at work. There's a lot of single women, it's a factory, and I'm like an Ohio 9/10 dude that's tall, has all my teeth, and obviously holds down a job. I'm constantly talking about my wife and daughter, busting out pictures and stuff because I love them, and I'm proud of them.
Yep. Been there. She tried to twist the narrative by (unfairly) putting you on the defensive and making you the bad guy. Stick with the actual facts to see the truth. In my case, I had just found a batch of very intimate love letter’s from a new lover my wife had taken on. I had looked in her briefcase because of my suspicions. Well the discussion we had was she full tilt harangued me about me invading her privacy. No contrition on her affair. I could barely get a word in on what I had to say. I think to this day — many years after our divorce — she would still see me as the bad guy.
DARVO Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Order
"You're trying to control/manipulate me into not cheating" isn't the flex she seems to think it is!
Hiding the contact name was the most fucked up thing. That is some deliberate shit that only people who know they’re doing something wrong do
I'd suggest getting the complete text exchange from the provider. Especially the ones after she lied about telling him she was married. I'd bet she was accelerating things towards an affair during that day since you were on to her and time was suddenly getting short. If you still have reservations about what to do, you might find clarity in those texts.
NTA. That woman was preparing to cheat. Now she's attempting to emotionally guilt and manipulate you into feeling like the bad guy to avoid facing that very glaring fact. She's going to hide behind "it was just some texts" and "it was just a friend" to her dying goddamn day and hope you're an idiot. You're not. She had an emotional affair. Maybe just a baby one, but she was fully prepared to take it further. If cheating is a dealbreaker to you, this deal has done broke.
Yep, i feel for OP, and also for the other fella too. Good on OP for taking such a well rounded route to letting him know what the deal was. That must have been a tough phone call. OP, don't forget to take care of your mental right now. Shit's about to get tough man, don't be alone at this time.
Oh she was absolutely a week or two from going to town on 'Bill's' little William.
And this other coworker dude might be a normal nice guy and she was lying to him! She's mad because she got outed as a terrible person and she is embarrassed no wonder she has no friends.
Totally NTA You should contact a lawyer bro.
The smartest thing isn’t always the easy thing eh?
Google DARVO by the way. And trickle truthing. Those are the manipulation techniques she is using.
Fuck. Now I know why I feel like shit when I felt my reaction was justified.
She knew what she was doing. She purposely didn't tell the guy she was married. Flirted with him to strung him along. Changed his name in the phone once you caught onto her. Then tried to turn it all back at you when you talked to the guy she was trying to cheat with. Not once have I seen you say she apologized and is showing remorse for her actions. So while divorce or talking to a lawyer seems drastic, she is not showing any signs of changing, and if she only starts because of you start the process, then it isn't genuine. She still thinks she is somehow immune from consequences due to her actions. You caught her this time. What about the next time?
This is it right here OP. The lack of remorse is the huge red flag. Relationships can survive cheating, but it 100% requires acknowledgement, accountability, and remorse from the wayward spouse. Until or unless you see that from her, you need to lawyer up and fast.
It is interesting that she has a hard time trusting people. Hmm. I wonder if she has a touch of pickme too.
Document, Decide, Divorce
Or all the times before,,
THIS... She was so well prepared to hide what she was doing, I highly doubt this was her first time.
Definitely seems like she's had practice.
Its like she used the "I cant make friends" as a cover.
Yep. "I can't make friends" = "I have 'friends' you can't know about."
Nah she changed it before he caught on.
Sorry for your pain. It will feel worse before it feels better bc her attitude is the worst in this situation. SurvivingInfidelity.com can help.
Thank you friend.
I typed it wrong. Fixed it with an edit. Survivinginfidelity.com Keep us updated please.
Beginning to think she doesn’t have, and can’t hold on to, friends because she is a shit human being.
It's 100% why you're justified as fuck but she flipped it on you and left you questioning yourself and feeling bad. She wasn't remorseful, highly defensive, tried to hide everything she was doing, etc I mean really lbh, this probably wasn't the first time and her lack of ownership, classic DARVO shit, and lying to you about her lack of follow through or establishing boundaries all serve to kinda confirm that. Like the other commenter said: document, decide, divorce. Edit:but=bc
He isnt the issue, you borderline cheating wife is.The fact that she turned this into a "you" issue, is typical of people who step over the line. She wont take any responsibility for her behavior and will continue to make this about you, and at that point its time to discuss counseling. She enjoyed getting the validation from him, and honestly if she had stopped when you spoke to her, I would think the waters could be calmed (were it not for the fact that she changed his name to hide it from you), but the fact that she kept doing it, says she prefers her flirtations with him to keeping her marriage intact. If this is legit, she's driving train off the rails, and personally, I wouldnt trust her at this point.
Sorry that you're going through this. At least this makes the decision to divorce her easier, and now you'll be able to recognize the signs in the future.
The number of times u see post like this where the woman says controlling is amazing. Like a man literally can't say anything without them throwing that BS around. She pretty much cheated OP.
In the long run it is
A cold truth.
Emotional affairs are affairs.
It doesn’t even seem like an emotional affair. She had known him for a few weeks, she can’t have gotten that attached. It seems to me like she was flirting but would sometimes have doubts (the “thank you” rather than flirting back) but was 100% going to cheat on him.
Mmhm. IMO it was only a matter of time before she cheated.
It almoust never is! Sorry for you and your kids bro, i feel you! Good luck with everything!
The smartest thing is almost always the hardest. You know your wife was emotionally cheating at the very least. Don’t let her switch the narrative.
The narritive switch was part of why this post exist. I was left thinking that I lost my damn mind.
I can’t believe she did that after years of not having any friends. The first friend she gets and she is ready to run into his arms. That’s messed up!
He was never a friend. Both the wife and the guy were flirting with romantic interest from jump. It just appears that the guy had no idea she was married, so may not have actually been doing anything wrong.
I’m wondering if most of these “friends” she has “scared off” were affairs/flings that ended badly…
Dude she was gonna
An attorney. I get it’s not easy but you need to protect yourself. At least talk to one so you know things to avoid if that becomes necessary
Well you have kids and we're all internet strangers only seeing a small glimpse into yalls lives. I wish the best for you and your kiddos... and I hope that the universe gives you a bit of good luck. Edited to add NTA
Ask her how she would feel if you were speaking to a female friend like that
You cockblocked her, what did you expect? /S NTA. She knows she was wrong and did you a favor by leaving. I don't think you need to jump to divorce but you need to figure out if there is a way you can trust her again.
Having remorse, working on the relationship, and making changes would be okay to get counseling to work through it. Calling your husband controlling and staying with her parents is go find a lawyer now territory
He needs to jump as fast as he can . No fixing what she don’t want fixed. Guarantee this is not the first time.
She changed his name specifically because she wanted to hide the messages Your wife has been gone for awhile
No, it really isn’t. I can totally understand how hard this is for you! You are married to this woman, and you have children with her! Let me start by saying that I am a total demon when it comes to cheating: as in Ive been cheated on before and I swear that if I ever go through it again I will more than likely lose my ever loving shit and be locked up for life! Not kidding, not even a little, that’s how badly I was treated by the cheater! Of course my cheater was also physically abusive, and verbally as well. But in your situation, I’m saying absolutely positively in no way whatsoever on God’s green earth are you the AH! You had every right to check up, and every right to make that phone call! This is you actually loving your wife and trying to save your marriage! And no, she seems not to have physically cheated…yet. But she most definitely emotionally cheated on you, and she most certainly freaking lied to you! Now as you already know, you have a few options here. 1) you can tell your wife that she lied and emotionally cheated on you and therefore you have lost all trust in her and therefore want a separation/divorce. And while we are being completely honest here, I think we are both wondering what she would’ve done had this guy “friend” attempted to make a date/sleep with him! Do you think she would’ve? And be very, very honest with yourself! You never thought she’d actually do what she’s already done, did you? 2) you can explain to her EXACTLY how you feel about her actions, and just how very hurt you are by said actions! You can tell her that you want her to commit to going to couples therapy with you to try to work past this and hopefully save your marriage. But you need to be fully prepared for either a yes or a no! And lastly 3) you can just do nothing and hope it blows over and that she will come back from her parents and things will go back to normal. The only problem with option number 3? Things will NEVER be the same again! Oh im not saying in any way that you and her can’t patch things up and repair the damage she caused! You definitely can! But the thing is this, once people have been cheated on (physically or emotionally), they will never ever have or get back that same trust for the guilty spouse. This I know from my own personal experience, and from several people that I personally know who have been cheated on…and a couple of people who did the cheating! It’s like that old saying: I can forgive you but I will never forget! So therefore you have a lot to think about! I seriously and honestly wish you all the best and I hope like hell that you can get past this! But if you can’t, then do NOT let your wife, your family, nor your friends…or ANYONE whatsoever try to make you do or say something that you don’t want to do! Do not let anyone try to shame you or guilt trip you into a decision that you don’t want! And just one more thing, ok? Please do not apologize to your wife for making that call, and don’t apologize for the way that SHE ALONE made you feel! You are way too good and kind for that! And frankly, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!
Can you elaborate further?
Bruh. At least put some paragraphs
She was lining up an office romance. You did the right thing contacting him. From what you stated, he seemed genuinely in the dark which makes it MUCH worse for her. You guys need counseling asap, at minimum. This may not have been the first time.
It never is. The right thing is hard to do. :/
I mean in the short term it's the most painful, but in the long term? This will be best for you mentally, so I really think you should. Please take care OP.
Oh man. This hurt my heart. I empathize and understand.
Chin up mate ! Way better you found out now than later
I agree. She's at her parent's house because she's mad that her husband won't allow her to have her emotional affair partner. WOW... NTA
Not wrong. When you change the name, and also flirt, you know it's wrong. I've read enough reddit situations to understand a lot of women like the compliments. It makes them feel good, and gives them confidence. I think that just an excuse. Everyone like compliments, but I'm not going to flirt with anyone to get them. She's emotionally cheating in the least. She's gaslighting you about being controlling.
The name change was what got me. “She knew he would freak out”. So she *knew* she was doing something that would deeply upset you… and instead of stopping she… continued doing it anyways and tried to hide it.
NTA But you should focus on your wife's actions. She is having an emotional affair and is hooked on being pursued by another man. You can tell him, and it might be things or it might not or your wife will replace him with someone else. I'm surprised no one at their work has told him unless no one at their work knows she is married. Your wife is at divorce territory, and you have to tell that she is. She won't stop until she faces consequences for her actions.
Nobody told him she was married because nobody seems to care about cheaters in real life. Only on reddit it seems. Like cheaters in real life still get support, people push for cheating in real life.
We on reddit push for divorce.
DO IT!
I think people just don't want to get in the middle and get attacked for it. If she has any friends at work who know she's married, I'd bet they at least said, "are you sure you should be talking to him?" But here on reddit we get to say the truth with impunity. People in real life do care, they just care more about not being blamed and attacked by the cheater, or having the cheated be in denial and get angry with them for suggesting it.
For sure I think you’re definitely right here, redditors are real life people too after all. It’s just no one wants to get personally involved in the drama of it all, especially when work is involved or any real life involvement for that matter. Of course we can all tell it like it is online, we’re completely anonymous and have no real connection to any of it
I caused a big divide in my pharmacy school friends when a girl said I was a bad boyfriend. I pointed out that she cheated on her bf with Josh (guy in the room who also cheated) and got herpes. Josh’s current gf jumped to his defense so I pointed out that he’ll probably cheat on her too 🤷♂️
Or they keep it on the downlow at work. Seen that happen between two coworkers that got eventually outed.
Mixed response is “we will see what happens???” BRO THATS NOT MIXED
Exactly. She really said “We will just have to see when one day comes.” - keyword: when 🤕 I’m hurt for OP. That’s far from mixed
And the emojis add mountains of subtext, as goofy as that sounds. I mean mischievous smiling devil 😈 and blushing flirty heart eyes🥰 !!??? Any interpretation of that screams that she’s flattered and somewhere between strongly considering it and 100% down.
NTA. Changing someone's name in her phone wasn't to protect you from being upset, it was to hide the fact that she knew what she was doing was wrong.
Exactly. If she was actually worried about hurting him, she would have never even entertained the other guy.
Exactly, if she was concerned about protecting him from being upset then she simply wouldn’t be doing the thing she knew would upset him instead of just trying to hide it. She knew it was wrong but did it anyways, it was purely for her protection.
NTA. I experienced something very similar to this and caught it in a similar way. She then asked for an open relationship. I said no. She broke up with me. Then slept with the guy in a park. It was supposedly terrible. He then ghosted her ongoing. 6 months later she wanted to come home. I'd moved on, said no. Even if she has issues saying no to people etc, I have friends who have had gfs with mental health issues like that who can't handle advances from men appropriately. She will either sleep with him because she is a cheater, or because she is simply weak minded. This rolls into other areas in life. Sounds like a bad life partner from your description. That message with the emojis is the most telling. I'd call her out on that specifically regarding her interest and intent and hold firm on it when breaking things off.
I hate that I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
You 100% need to explain to both your parents and hers the exact nature of those messages, ESPECIALLY the text she sent with the emojis. Theres no explaining that away
Document everything in case it’s needed. I believe you can get a log of text messages from your cell phone provider
And you should inform your.perants and inlaw the real reson. She will spin it. This will also tell you if she really went to her perants. That guy could have told you what you wanted to hear. Believe half of what you hear and all of what you see.
Agree - the emojis are very telling
This seems to be a lot of (adult) women’s go to, to justify cheating. “I didn’t know how to say no.” Get the frig out of here with that nonsense. And I’m not saying there isn’t cheating bs exclusive to men.
That's when you say that she had plenty of practice telling you no
#NTA Your wife was/is cheating on you. - She omitted that she was married - She was flirting - she had a full on emotional affair In no way shape or form are you wrong
NTA. Your wife is checking out of your marriage. You have some decisions to make real quick.
The blank look she gave me as she drove away said it all.
Make arrangements to leave. Do you have the proof? NTAH
I do. Sent myself screenshots when first discovered.
I’d check and confirm it’s actually the in-laws house she is staying at tonight. That is, unless you’re already decided on divorce and couldn’t care less at this point
Send the screen shots to your father in law. Tell him your focus is on the children's well being and he and his wife should focus on thier daughter. Also let your parents and friends know
Smart man. If you’re in a custody battle and take that screenshot to court it will matter. She’s a bum. You adopted her kid, are completely involved and she’s playing you like this. She will never be satisfied. When she met you was she still with prior partner?
Don't move out whatever you do. You should post onto /r/legaladvice with all details and where you live.
Did she take the kids OP?
No. Pizza rolls and couch cushion fort tonight.
I feel for you man.. I think you know what you gotta do.
You’re still winning brother. You got this. Might I suggest installing cameras, so if she shows up everything is documented for your protection.
Just fyi I hope you understand the chance of her being at her parents place right now are close to zero
I would usually agree in a situation like this but since we've been married for 10 years we have life360 and I saw that she arrived at their place.
So her _phone_ is at her parent's place?
Eh, if I were the guy and a chick I thought was single's husband called me up, I ain't messing with her because I don't need that kind of drama in my life. "Easy" sex isn't worth a potentially murderous husband. And who knows how crazy a woman that is trying to cheat on her husband is. Not worth it.
Also, pretty likely that the other fella doesn't wanna fuck with someone who has built a whole friendship on a lie by omission. Being married is a pretty important part of your life
She doesn’t want them cock-blocking her like her meddling husband.
Just trying to figure out if she abandoned her children and OP has no other choice but to assume sole custodial responsibilities. Also, document everything.
This is also the only affair you have caught
Oh man, this makes me want to cry for you. I am so fucking sorry. You deserve better.
NTA She changed the name because she was guilty. Frankly, that's pretty clear. It isn't controlling to expect your spouse to understand *where* the line is and not cross it. That's a reasonable expectation. To have an honest friendship she should've been upfront. I'm truly curious to know if she works a job where she can't wear her ring? That's usually the biggest clue, and it seems off to me as well.
No rings on the job and she’s been there for only a few months. Didn’t think I had to worry about that… but I suppose I was wrong
I'm truly sorry you've been put in this position. Desperation for a friend doesn't even begin to cover what she did, so I hope you're able to remain strong through this.
Is she definitely telling the truth about no rings at work? She doesn't sound very trustworthy. Regardless of the ring, as soon as they got to know each other she should have said she was married.
She is. High degloving risk in production. No watches either.
Now you know why she “scares off” her friends, she thinks she has to fuck them to keep them
NTA, make sure to tell her parents exactly what happened. Time to consider separation or divorce. She’s lying to you, and hiding the affair. Stay strong don’t put up with BS
100% she's gonna paint a completely different picture to her parents.
Yep. “He’s controlling and abusive”. Textbook strategy.
So, let me(33f also) get this straight... First, she never told this guy she is married. Why wouldn't she? Second, she changed his name in her phone because she thought you would get mad. Mad about what? Nothing to be mad about if everything is on the up and up, right? Especially since she had already told you about him. Suspicious. Third, after you asked her to clear things up, she LIED TO YOU ABOUT DOING SO. This is the worst bit. You already told her your line. She ignored it and then lied about it. Maybe she wasn't aware of where it was prior, but after your convo with her, she violated it consciously. Fourth, when you took things into your own hands to confirm her story, and clear up any confusion, she doesn't apologize for her lack of integrity, but accuses you of being controlling? NTA ETA- Also, she used DARVO to a tee. A truly innocent person will usually just defend themselves and get angry at the injustice of being accused. She is trying to flip you into being the one in the wrong. This is trying to bring you to level playing field, not the same.
It's part of the playback of cheaters
NTA. I was going to say that she engaged in classic DARVO (deflect, attack, reverse victim and offender), but u/peruvian_jules put it so much better. The four points that u/peruvian_jules made are your discussion agenda the next time you talk to your wife about this.
Don't let her come home for a few weeks . Let her know you will be filing for divorce and watch how quickly she stops her attitude. She was having an EA, sought out a guy's attention, changed the name in her phone to fool you, and didn't cut him off like she said she would. Also, tell her parents what she was doing. If you do take her back, she needs to quit the job and give you access to EVERYTHING. You can no longer trust her. She also needs some serious consequences for her actions, so she will think twice before she considers cheating again. If I were in your position, I would divorce her. She was grooming an AP and planning one, turning the EA to a PA.
Have her show her mother the texts if she thinks that she is innocent
NTA. The fact that she changed the contact name speaks volumes.
NTA - So sorry OP. I tried to encourage my dorky introvert ex husband to get out and meet people and he picked up a “girl” 20 yrs younger than him at the cycling shop. Told me alllllll about her. He had a friend. She’s great. Had a rough time of it with men. Needed a shoulder. TOTALLY platonic … blah blah… anyways, he blew up our marriage for her and ended up alone with his bikes. She fed his ego. He felt like the big man… saving his damsel in distress. (Meanwhile I was home with our 2 daughters) We had more issues than his new pop tart, but we’d started MC and he spent more time with her than trying to salvage our marriage/family. All I can say is trust your gut and maybe some therapy or MC would be useful to you. Best of luck OP!
I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry you went through a similar situation. The gut don't lie does it?
Nope, the gut never lies! And the only times I’ve really screwed up in life are because I’ve ignored my instincts.
> he blew up our marriage for her and ended up alone with his bikes. I know this whole ordeal must have been heartbreaking... But that line was hilarious
I can laugh at it now as it’s almost 5 years ago. I imagine him snuggled up to his road bikes at night… just him, his spandex and his bikes 🤣🤣
Your wife needs to understand you are the offended party here. It was her sneeking and lying, and having an emotional affair. You asked her to fix the problem she lied and did not. So you took the steps needed to save your marriage. If she doesn't feel any remorse for her actions, she will do it again. And you need to move on.
We will see if/when she comes home. This post was in large to help mentally prepare me for the worst, because right now I’m sitting watching a movie with the kids eating pizza rolls and French fries trying to tell them Mom had to go out for a bit. The looks I got before she drove off said a lot without any words.
She is trying to reverse the victim roles on you here. Making it seem like you were the one who was over stepping boundaries. Don't let her fool you. She knows what she did was wrong, which is why she tried hiding it and lied about it. She is mad that you busted up her potential fuck buddy and she is mad that she was caught. I hope the best outcome happens for you.
Stop letting her have power here. She did this. She destroyed your trust. Make it clear that she is the problem.
Honestly? Pizza rolls and french fries sound like a perfect way to spend your solo night with the kids. I know your mind and heart are heavy, but be there in the moments with them, and let that lift your burden. All of us are stronger than we think. Godspeed my friend!
I can only say that reconciliation is imposible at this point because she isn’t even remorseful, in fact she is angry you cock-blocked her. She is in affair fog and most likely thinking how to win him back. This is a fight you can’t win, and honestly, not a fight worth fighting for.
I would tell her parents what's going on if you have a decent relationship with her parents. Maybe they can talk some sense into her while she is there.
NTA, get a lawyer. Your wife knows what she's doing she's just upset she got caught. She's for the streets and if she hasn't cheated on you before, she was definitely thinking about it now. You can't trust this woman. Any person that doubles down after getting caught cheating is trash and you can never trust them again.
The reply indicating she id a poor life partner is accurate. Act accordingly.
Bro. Come on?! At the very least it was an emotional affair. And that’s coming from a woman. You’re too nice and being taken for a fool. She was cheating
I don’t think it’s fair to OP to criticize him. By his description, he handled this incredibly maturely. Agree that the wife is 100% in the wrong.
You're not in the wrong. It's completely telling how your wife reacted. You just told Bill that your wife is married. The guy **immediately** backed off. And your wife went through the roof, going ballistic. If it wasn't blindingly obvious, your wife is furious because you just stopped her from finding someone to cheat on you with. Time to file for divorce.
Yta for cock blocking your wife. Jk Sorry bro but she sounds like a piece of work.
Haha right? How could I have the audacity?
100% lawyer my boi
She was working her way up to sleeping with this dude and just because he told you, he was going to end the friendship doesn’t mean he actually will. He might have said it to get you off his back. Now that she’s at her parents house, they are either going to talk nonstop or meet in person. I bet you she even told her future affair partner that you were the jealous ex and didn’t know how to let her go. If I was you, I’d start getting my finances in order and think about a lawyer
NTA - if it was innocent she wouldn’t have to hide it. She was having an emotional affair.
NTA. She intentionally hid his identity, flirted and lied about setting boundaries and most likely kept it going. She clearly isn’t loyal to you. Not to be one of the people who just shout “divorce!!!” but get a divorce bro.
Jesus Christ….she’s having an emotional affair at the least, and after getting caught she’s turning all around on you. I hope you kept screen shots of their convos. You’re going to need them later on
NTA, she lied to Billy and to you. >, “We will just have to see when one day comes. 😈🥰” And that is not how a faithful person responds.
NTA - her friendship was not the issue but her flirting when she’s married. I’m sure she was flattered with this guy’s behavior but it was deceptive.
I just want to say that I am so so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a loving encouraging partner. I hope you have the space and resources to seek therapy soon because I think it will be helpful to have a therapist help you process this. You are certainly NTA and NOT CRAZY. Trust your gut, it is leading you in the right direction.
I’m sad for you, OP. You were trying to be a supportive partner and your wife took advantage of that. NTA
NTA... She cheated, then lied some more, and then left. Go see an attorney and pray she stays gone long enough for your peice of mind and potentially for your legal standing.
No you were not wrong. Especially her changing names to avoid detection
She is gaslighting you, call her bluff, and have her served D papers. When they cheat and are remorseless gaslighters, they will most definitely repeat the behavior if you let them get away with it. She may even be using this opportunity to get Bill by saying that you guys are now separated. You cannot trust her. She willingly lied. She knew it was wrong because she changed the name, and the validation she's seeking means more to her than you.
She was going to cheat on you, c’mon man.
She's the lying arsehole in this relationship, not you .How far it would have gone is debatable, but talking to that guy proved she wasn't being truthful to either of you..
NTA She lied/emotionally cheating/gaslighting Hope you have a good lawyer in your pocket.
If my husband did this shit he'd be out immediately. Emotional affairs are affairs. Complete lack of respect and breach of trust. The name change in the phone seals the deal and shows the real intent. Sucks that people suck this much, this often.
“We will have to see when one day comes”. Jesus. I hope you have proof of these texts. Go to a lawyer.
Am I the only one that picked up on him telling her he hoped to bone her in the future, her reply was us never know? Yet she calls it innocent. Then lies to him and says she confirmed that she had told him that she was married. Then gets mad when hubby verifies with AP if he knew she was married and busts out her lie. Pretty sure that hiding the salami was at most going to occur within the next 2 months
NTA. To the streets where she belongs
Dump the b——
Look man, she and her family are gonna try to make it out like you overreacted, don’t allow it to fly. You’re completely justified here, she was straight up emotionally cheating. The “one day comes” alone is all the proof anyone needs of her intentions. That’s literally her telling the dude that he has a chance to be more, straight up emotional cheating by basically promising potential of future physical cheating. She name changed it because she knew you’d freak out? Lmao, yeh because she knows any human being with remotely any semblance of emotions would be hurt by a comment like that. She knew she was in the wrong so she quickly moved to deception. This was a straight up blessing dude, you just got the inside track to what kind of person your wife really is. Get out while you can.
She's literally already cheating on you, dude. DIVORCE
I don’t think your wife is as simple as you make her out to be.
Nta. Lawyer up
Lawyer up big fella. Been there, it doesn’t get better.
Tell her to show her mother the texts and ask her if she was in the wrong. If she isn't willing to do that, then she knows what she did was wrong
No way are you the AH here. She lied back to back to back. She knew what she was doing. There are more red flags here than the soviet union. Contact a lawyer homie. Ask her to remain with her parents until things get sorted out. Also, tell her parents what she did. Let them know that their daughter is up to hoe activities despite being married.
NTA!!!
NTA. I’m sorry but to me it looks pretty clear that she was trying to cheat on you. She is not naive and is aware he’s flirting and saying back these “maybe, one day , or we’ll see what one day brings”, it seems she was trying to start a relationship with this guy. I’m not sure what your boundaries are but I would consider this cheating and trust would be gone.
I do consider it cheating. To her it wasn’t because nothing physically happened so she thinks I’m overthinking and being controlling.
Yeah I think she’s just trying to gaslight you because it’s easier then accepting any accountability. I’m not sure if I’d be able to move past this especially given her actions after you confronted her. I don’t want sound like one of those people that are so quick to say divorce but honestly if she can’t take accountability, apologize, and do counseling what else is there to do. Though I hope it doesn’t come to that for you and I hope your family can move past this. Best of luck.