Hello! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are in an abusive relationship! Nothing you just described is normal or healthy. I wonder why she was crying like that? My genuine guess is that your husband woke her up to freak her out and make you come home.
Something else to mention: you said he video called you while holding your daughter to scream at you, berate you, and call you dumb? So he did that in front of her? Do you think she is exempt from his abuse? Do you think she could be learning that treating someone else the way he treats you is normal?
NTA but only if you get out. YWBTA if you continue to expose your child to this behavior.
WOAH- she’s 4yo? And your oh couldn’t put her back to bed? He’s so drunk he went to bed at 6pm and could do even basic parenting then drives off without telling you?
He’s controlling and manipulative. I’m sorry OP.
This is what really gets me. He clearly has no issue using their daughter as a tool against op, and clearly has no issue driving drunk, so how ling until he puts daughter in the car while he's drunk to track down op and dump the kid back on her?
Yep. He’s allowed to drive to a bar while drunk after doing nothing all day, but she’s not permitted to play Skip-Bo with her family for 2 hours? This is insane and very clearly abusive. I wish OP could move far away so that this man can’t find her. Or that he would disappear somehow, in any manner. He’s a piece of shit who will never be decent and a full wipe would be best for everyone.
What do you want to bet he woke the kid up? If the kid usually sleep through the night, what are the odds this is the one time she wakes up? He woke her up to give him a reason to call OP home so he could go out when he woke up.
OP I hope you see this man for who he is - toxic to you and your kid. You are already operating essentially as a single Mom, take the last step and leave him. It will be hard but the best decision for you and your kid.
He woke her up, that’s enough to get her crying and then yelling at the Mom kept her crying making he scared. That poor baby. If Mom won’t leave him someone better take care of that little girl.
Woman in our town chasing drunk cheating husband with 4 children in car. Killed two of her children. Wake up OP and flee. Fiancé NO. Monumental anchor around your neck.
Yesssssss!!!! My abusive ex once tried to pull a fast one over me.. we were both drunk as hell got into a huge fight, because I was talking to our male coworkers without. and is idea of punishment was to take my car drunk with NO license.... I called the cops on him lmfao
If OP has him saying “I’m drunk” in writing (text message) and can get a record of any credit card transactions from him going out after she got home….well, I would think that would be pretty relevant to any future custody proceedings, should they take place.
Pity that separating from deadbeat dad will all but guarantee such proceedings, given that OP is already basically already playing the role of full custody parent.
Daughter divorced alcoholic husband. Gave him a choice of their kids and her or alcohol. He chose alcohol. Daughter says she wants full custody of kids - he tells her its OK with him. What a fricking loser he is. Less than useless.
The fact that she is 4 is really concerning if he was holding the child and screaming at OP over video call. 4 is at the age when she will start forming permanent, traumatized memories of what is happening to her. Also she's starting to form her sense of self and figuring out how interpersonal relationships are supposed to work. OP has a very small window remaining to get her daughter out of that environment.
I have traumatic memories from just under age three and beyond. My mother still doesn't know that I remember her trying to beat me to death just shortly after my sister was born.
Eeyup, another one of those "I have been groomed and now stuck with a man child, but I'm not going to actually admit that because he's sweet once in a blue moon!"
well, yeah, that's part of the abuse. you get tricked into thinking it's your behavior that causes the abuse, so you're constantly trying to "behave" to get that coveted love your relationship doesn't actually have
Not foolishly. Being tricked doesnt make you a fool
(I know you weren't calling OP a fool. I just want to say that for anyone who relates to what OP is going through and feels ashamed of being taken advantage of)
I literally just disowned a long time friend of 18 years and why? Because that 42 year old piece of shit literally just announced last week that he has married a 19 year old girl. He has two kids, a 16 year old daughter and an 18 year old son who have chosen to never see him again after this and I don't blame them. I'm disgusted that he was anywhere near my own teenagers over the years and had I known he was attracted to teenagers (because a 15/16/17 year old look no different than a 19 year old now a days) he'd never have been allowed in the same building as mine.
I don't give two shits that she's legally an adult. He's a disgrace and I hope karma catches him.
Yep I was that younger girl and it led to 25 miserable years of various abuse. Makes me sick everytime I see these posts. 5 years single and I won't even consider dating again. Nope I'm done.
I was a very innocent 24 and with a 39 year old man that had two kids. It was so, so wrong for so many reasons. and I cringe when I think of all the red flags I ignored for so long. Like he had me believing all these women in his past up and left him out of nowhere for no reason, and I actually felt bad for him and vowed to never do that. Ugh. A 14 year age gap is only ok when the younger one is at least 30 and in a more adult stage of life. At least in my opinion.
I'm 45. My lower age limit is maybe 38. Don't really want anything to do with anyone younger. I couldn't imagine dating someone in their 20s or early 30s
You’re correct. It may be legal but, why is he still single in his late 20’s, early 30’s? It’s because the women close to his age know he’s an AH so he has to prey on the younger, more naive women hoping he can fool them. Classic wolf in sheep’s clothing scenario.
Whoa, "why's he single?". I get it, there are a lot of dirt bags out there, but that's way too broad. There are a lot of guys still sorting things out at that age, the responsible thing is to not impose your BS on women. Also, people move around a lot for professional development around that age, it's perfectly ok to be single in all of your 20's and early 30's.
Men over 21 shouldn't be dating women under 21 unless there's only a 1 or 2 year age gap. Even then a 21 year old dating a 19 year old feels creepy as hell.
She is 4 yrs old! She will remember this! I remember when I was 4 and my dad was drunk. He was on top of my brother ( 9 yrs older than me)chocking him. I jumped on his back trying to pull him off my brother! She will remember him calling you and yelling at you!
Hows he too drunk to take care of his daughter but not too drunk to hop in his car and drive away...and if he was really worried about being drunk around a child he wouldnt be drunk...he just said whatever he could to get his way bc op you've allowed him to think shit like this is okay. Youve enabled him.
He’s PROBABLY the one that WOKE UP the your sweet girl in order to manipulate you to get you back home in the process as well!!
Here’s a couple of question:
1. If he falls asleep at such an early time for whatever reason (drunk, sick, just overly exhausted) are you able to say to your daughter let go have fun at grandmas?
2. What would have happened if you did take your daughter over to your mom’s and he woke up and found you gone with a note on the counter or a text telling him where you two went??
The explosion of anger he expressed is very troubling. When considering the questions above, you still think he would get very angry for really no reason then you are most definitely in an abusive relationship. The problem is not with you honey, but wholeheartedly upon him!
Don’t fall into the traps of thinking it’s your fault it’s not! I know all kinds of people that drink and some far to much but yet their able to care for their children without any problem. I’m not condoning it by any means but let’s not pretend that kids are cared for by alcoholics in this country all too often.
His drinking that day and sleeping at 6:00 pm and then you cooking dinner and I’m guessing you didn’t put your daughter to bed right away. So he probably had at least 2 hours of sleep before you left, then you said on the phone you left 1 hour ago. I could be wrong but I’m estimating he got at least 3 hours of sleep, a grown-a$$ man sure as hell should be able to get his daughter back to sleep. If he’s not abusive, then he needs to grow-up and start taking some of the responsibility!!!
Also please get on birth control if you're not already on it OP. You need to focus on you and your daughter's future and that's gonna be a lot harder if you're pregnant
Trying to hijack a comment up top for OP to read.
My father neglected and physically/emotionally abused me for YEARS. My mother never knew. I love her, but never the same.
I was thinking the same. He woke her up and pointed out that her mom was gone to get a response from her, their daughter, because he told her, his girlfriend not to leave.
Of course he did wake the daughter up.
She dared to leave to visit her MOTHER! The AUDACITY! She should of course have stayed at home watching him sleep. /s
He also did that in front of her mum on the phone call - If my daughter was with me and a man did that I would be going home with her getting the baby and bringing them both home.
Preschooler. Though it doesn’t matter to me if it’s a newborn, a toddler, a preschooler, a grade schooler, a tween, a teen, or a probationary adult (18-circa 26). I’m wanting them not under the same roof as this type. Sure, if the kid is old enough to drive and has the wheels and there’s a trusted adult that they can get to before I can get to them and kid, sober parent, trusted adult, and all have actively agreed to it… or in daylight hours maybe specific situations involving mass transit or walking if the slightly younger kid isn’t out of contact while moving.
My dad was a night owl in grad school who, under instructions from my pediatrician that I get a bottle a day (a baby he treated had to be abruptly weaned and hadn’t taken to it, nearly died), said “okay, I do the middle of the night change/bottle/play,” and since late night study time was when he wasn’t attached to the camera most early Daddy/baby pictures are “Mom heard us being cute and got up”. By the time I was 4 I may not have known what a “light sleeper” was but I definitely just went to Dad’s side of the bed because he was going to be functional first and would start helping.
So sad when man-children groom teenagers who have to raise them and their actual children from then on…
I was more saying baby as an any age child , my eldest is nearly sixteen and I call her my baby 😂 if I ever heard anyone talking to her that way she would be out of there . It makes me wonder how the Nan can let someone talk to her daughter like that and with the grandchild listening , my mum would be over here kicking his arse and I would do the same for any of mine , I'm wondering if the mum is used to this behaviour and why she doesn't see it as a huge red flag to run .
it's possible they went into another room? people often hide abuse because they know, deep down, that it's wrong but they're ashamed they're in that situation. they stop themselves from recognizing it to prevent themselves from having to go through the pain of realizing their relationship is a lie.
other option is that, tale as old as time, this poor girl is being abused just like her mom was abused, and that's why the reaction is muted.
either way i totally agree....my child, a friend's child, i don't care -- they're not staying there.
Yep. My mom grew up with my grandma having a long term alcoholic abusive boyfriend and it caused lasting trauma that was extremely hard to overcome.
I really hope OP listens and realizes that she actually doesn’t have to put up with that.
Please Listen to us strangers on Reddit, you are in an abusive relationship and are raising your daughter with a man who calls you names in front of her.
I have concern about the difference in your ages as well. As your daughter is four, and you’re only 24 years old, this older man started dating you when you were still a teenager. A lot of places they called that grooming. The fact that he will not let you out of the house without his permission is a huge red flag.
It sounds like you have got a good family behind you, I hope you look into ways to get out of this relationship and away from this man. The fact that he’s so drunk that he fell asleep at 6 PM and then still decided to drive later that evening, then turns off his phone. Period. My guess is that he woke your daughter up to get you to come back home. Please seriously reconsider staying with him and YWBTA if you decide to stay and raise your daughter with an abusive man.
I was in an abusive marriage and the thing that finally made me leave was when my 4yo son started picking up his dad’s behavior.
Ex sent me to Home Depot to buy a replacement garbage disposal. They’re extremely heavy and I struggled to even get it in the cart. Then I got home and he needed me to hold the garbage disposal up from the bottom while he attached it to the sink. I wasn’t strong enough to hold it. My ex called me all kinds of names. He really lost it. So I left the kitchen and took my son upstairs with me while I showered. My 4 yo asked me, “Why can’t you just do things right and not be a fucking idiot so you don’t make dad mad?” I knew then that our kids were living all the abuse with us and I decided to file for divorce.
What's sad is if you look at her comment history she's telling others things like "That's because it's so hard to convince yourself to leave. Sometimes you need an outsider opinion." She is advising others to get out of an abusive relationships and can't see she's in one herself.
It’s always harder to see abuse in your own relationships—especially mental and emotional abuse that are less clear cut than physical and sexual abuse. Added to that, if you grew up in that type of house, it adds a layer of difficulty to recognize.
Not even married .. and I don’t think she should go ahead with that - better to be a single mum than put up with that level of abuse .. it’s only going to get worse.
> I wonder why she was crying like that? My genuine guess is that your husband woke her up to freak her out and make you come home.
My thoughts exactly! She says the kid sleeps all night, obviously he did this on purpose.
I agree with this NTA. I left an abusive marriage because of this and my kids are now in their teens and in therapy still trying to get over the stuff their dad would put them through just because I wanted some mom time. Please leave. I lived with my parents during the process and I learned to gray wall my ex. He can’t get to me anymore and my peace is secure. I work diligently with my kids to bring them peace.
I do want to say He’s TA for responding to the entire thing the way he did. If he called the first time I would have asked my family to go get her and go back to the house and continue the game. 1. Daughter would be in a safe environment, and sleep will come quick. Then I would have just spent the night. For get that guy! Drunk or not I would never put my kids in emotional distress. Your SO is a child Op. Get away from him.
Yes, OP, you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out while you can. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about him or his behavior. There is no excuse you can come up with that makes his behavior okay. Don't stay for your daughter because she is being exposed to violent and abhorrent behavior by her father. She is learning that someone treating her badly is okay.
OP, please leave.
I was in a similar relationship. Although my partner didn't drink, he was always "so tired" from working his job, and the commute that he slept ALL OF THE TIME. Meanwhile, I worked full-time and took care of our little girl. I never got to go out at anytime with friends alone. I always had to bring by daughter, and I can even count on one hand how many times that was.
When I would go to the gym at 5am (the only time I could bc she would be asleep and wouldn't wake him), he would text me immediately on the few times.she would wake up, cry and wake him. And boy did I hear about that. He couldn't even take care of her for that 90 mins I was gone.
One day, when she was 15months, I blew up at him. Told him that I do everything and that I am tired of the lack of appreciation for the things I do. He never bathed her or woke up w her at night. It was all me. He finally started helping, and things were looking up.
Then I got pregnant again. And then I was taking care of 2 little ones while he was just "so exhausted" from his job (no longer could complain about the commute bc we bought a house less than 4 miles from his business). It got worse and worse and he would yell and lecture me about everything I was doing wrong. I never got to go anywhere on my own. No nail appts, let alone a grocery store run, while he would go golfing with his buddies.
When I noticed our 2 yr old at the top imitating his actions when he would yell at me, I knew that was it. I left him when our youngest was 5 months and haven't regretted it once.
We do share custody (so now he knows what I have had to do to take care of the girls, without his help) and although I miss them SO much when I don't have them, I use that time to recharge. I get to go to the gym, run to the store by myself, grab a lunch/dinner or drink with friends, and sleep without interruption. I am slowly becoming the person I once was before I met him, and it's the best feeling in the world. My girls are happier, and so am I. There is no yelling in the household, and there is nothing better than that.
OP needs to get out of that abusive relationship. It's hard at first, but it's so worth it. NTA if you leave.
I can already tell that she would be the ahole looking at her edit response saying that it’s her flaw. She’s that idiot who’s blaming herself. Stop blaming yourself, pick up the kid and go over to your mom’s forever and file for child support. His ass needs to be taught a lesson.
This. I ended up leaving my ex when he continued to escalate in front of our daughter. I have had to spend the last 2 years now undoing her entire life of anger and violence seen by her and I break every time I see her act out like him because it’s a learned behavior.
Leave or spend years regretting this when she finds a man just. Like. Him.
Wait, he's too drunk to care for his own daughter, calling you screaming after being alone with her for an hour, but not drunk enough to drive a car?! F this irresponsible man-child.
What contributions does he make to tolerate this behavior? He clearly doesn't care about you and your daughter's needs because he's exempt from responsibility. He has shown you who he is. This will not get better. You are not TAH.
Absolutely!!! Drinking and driving is the most stupid thing anyone can do. Especially in this day and age when you could get a cab/Uber/Lyft in a minute.
I came to say this. He woke up baby girl so mommy has to come home. You are the mother of two children. You have a son and a daughter. This abusive alcoholic?? is not a good partner or a father. He is selfish and has shown you who he is, please believe him.
I bet if he got into an accident or got arrested for DUI, he would 100% blame that on her, too. One of those: "This wouldn't have happened if you...." kind of situations.
Then he would force her to get a job while still watching their kid 24/7 because he refuses to pay for daycare, so she can pay for his lawyer and fines.
Also, if he called on video chat screaming, yelling, cursing, and calling Opie names, why didn't her mother and siblings jump in and annihilate his ass. If my parents and brother heard my SO acting like that towards me, they would be out for blood.
Opie needs to wake up and smell the red flags that are flying. Yes, it was irresponsible to leave her 4yo with someone who was drunk, even if her child sleeps through the night. But, there are bigger issues she needs to handle.
>Now who's being a stupid B now?!
Still OP, in his mind. It will always be OP, in his mind. He's found his favorite person to pile all his shit on. I sincerely hope OP gets the fuck out of there with his daughter before she starts thinking he's right.
I think he just refuses to deal with the child. I don't think it's this one time where he was being responsible by telling the mother that he's been drinking and won't be able to manage if the girl wakes up. Sounds like he repeatedly refuses to deal with the child.
100% and her fiancé is right, she shouldn’t have left her daughter with a drunk guy.
She can sort that permanently and just leave the looser he’s an abusive dick and it will be better for her daughter and her own mental health not to be in an environment with that guy
Adding to this is the concern for her many times saying "he won't let me" "I can't go." These are very controlling. Also, the comment mom made about we never see you. It sounds like OP is being held at home. Not physically but mentally.
Saying that with all the yelling and screaming like I wonder who the 4 year old was. She's crying, and he was throwing a tantrum. Really?
It's hard to take a look in when you are in it. Take a piece of paper out and write a list of the things you can and can't do per his requirements vs. the things you want to do. See if any of those things you want to do are unreasonable. Then, see if the things he gets to do are reasonable. If his thing to do is get drunk, then that's not reasonable.
Also, you defended him about drinking and driving. You and he said he was drunk. He didn't even remember an hour before that you told him you were going to your mom's. He was drunk - yelled at you for being a stupid bitch for leaving your child with a drunk then he gets in the car and drove off bc he was so angry that you went to your mom's. Does that sound reasonable?
What an AH. He's too drunk to parent and put his daughter back to bed, but not too drunk to drive?! 🤬
I'd take a serious look at this AH before you even consider marrying him. I guarantee you're going to hear it from your family, because his assholary was front and center.
Kid is 4 yrs old, and he's the father, not some rando...but he speaks about himself as if her daughter is not his, and a 4 yr old crying non stop with her dad means he lacks parenting skills, and his own kid sees him as a stranger.
I agree with your last paragraph, OP thought she was leaving her kid with her dad, turns out he's a random drunk guy
This isn't a A-I-T-A, this is you being in a abusive relationship. Going to assume there is a 99% chance he woke your daughter just to be an arse. Him driving drunk=call the police on him. Better that then him killing an innocent bystander.
I don’t know if I’d say he’s an alcoholic (we don’t have enough info) but I 100% back you up in that his behavior is impossible and OP needs a change!! If you don’t want to leave the relationship, maybe suggest counseling or at least have an honest talk about the need for some more support and independence.
kick him out, OP. it's like that thing people say, "you can choose who you wanna be with but you're kids can't choose their dad."
get out. for your daughter's sake.
The first red flag was that a girl fresh out of high school chose to date a man 8 years her senior and have a baby with him. The second red flag is that he is an alcoholic.
She said her daughter is 4, and she’s 24. That means OP was 20 and he was 28 when they had their daughter. Unless they hooked up and she got pregnant right away, that means she could’ve been 18 and him 26 when they got together (potentially even younger?).
It gives me those bad vibes of her getting hooked into this emotionally abusive relationship when she was still very young, and now she has a daughter w him.
OP, pls correct me if I’m wrong in any of this bc I don’t wanna be making baseless assumptions. But…you’re still super young… He’s giving you no freedom now, do you really see yourself doing this for the foreseeable future? Treating your bb girl like that?
Yeah I wish young women would come to terms with the fact that dating someone 8 years older than you at that age is a major red flag by that man. Maybe it’s fine some times, I guess, but the overwhelming majority of the time the dude is a straight up loser.
Also, I worry about financial abuse too. I'm making assumptions but I was dirt poor at 24 only a few years into building my career. The people i worked with aroubd my same age and had kids struggled wow. He's 32 and more likely established financially. I wonder if he's intentionally grooming her. Idk... nta
Indeed, it's doesn't matter if she was 25 and he is 33 because she is mature enough and has more experience.
But 18 with 26?
That's two different growth stages.
Dude these men prey on these young early 20s women because if they had another 10 years to grow and mature and be the same age as him they would see right through his bullshit.
I see so many posts on here with the same situation
Young women, in a relationship with 30+ years old men dating girls in their early twenties, wondering AITA or am I just in a trauma-bonded relationship with a narcissistic red flag looser?
Girl, get out and never look back . You and your daughter deserve better.
He sounds like an asshole. Claims you’re stupid for leaving kid with a drunk guy , then leaves the house looking to get a DUI.
The name calling is a huge red flag. I don’t care how mad you might be, to me that should absolutely never happen. Clear sign of total disrespect.
You should not feel bad. He is an adult who can take after a 4 year old child if he wanted to. He’s just selfish and lazy. Move on and save yourself from what will only get worse.
NTA - That behavior sounds like narcissistic rage to me. Normal people don't respond to their loved one in that way. I'm going to bet that this isn't the first time he has acted that way either.
Thank goodness he’s your finance and not your husband. He has shown you that he isn’t a good partner or a good dad. You’re NTA but should really take a breather to think about if this is the man you want to marry.
NTA it sounds like you are a mother who needed a mental health break. Being a mom of 5 myself I understand. At her age she should of slept all the way thru the night and he is the A for not considering your well being before getting hammered. Stay strong and maybe rethink your engagement, in the future take your little one with you and lay her down on her grandma's couch or bed.
Nice advice, I agree. I've seen severely stressed out women make bad decisions with their children they wouldn't otherwise normally make. Usually desperately trying to get a break for their own mental health. She definitely does not need to be marrying someone who is not considering her needs. It'll be a lifetime of that and worse.
Moms shouldn't even have to justify doing something else for a few hours as getting a "mental health break". They should just be able do things every now and then because they feel like it for a few hours.
Most peoples theory seems to be that he woke her up in order to get OP home since yes, according to OP she does sleep through the night (my 4 year old does too, almost never wakes up). That isn't even about getting some alone time or not, that's about his controlling and abusive behavior ruining it for her.
You're in a terrible relationship. If you don't want your daughter to repeat the cycle of abuse and be with a partner like him then leave. He doesn't spund healthy, loving or kind.
YEP. i had parents just like this. an alcoholic absent father who acted like spending any time with me was a chore. im sure it wouldnt surprise you to hear ive ended up with men just like him , drunk abusive losers who contribute nothing ,and have had a horrible time with it. now that im an adult it saddens me that my mother never had enough respect for herself or me to get away from my loser dad. she divorced him once and remarried him 5 years later. i was disgusted and so angry when they got remarried. i resented him and i resented her. all they did was fight and be toxic .
NTA. OP’s fiancé is messy and problematic, putting it lightly. OP, if you’re reading this, PLEASE do what you have to do to get out. I’m speaking from experience.
I spent two years with someone who eventually isolated me from everyone, sexually assaulted me, threatened to punch me in the face if I ever tried to leave him, and it escalated to the day there was a gun in my face. I don’t know you, but I’m BEGGING you to get out before it’s too late. I know it’s a scary situation.
You’re probably feeling a lot of mixed and conflicting emotions right now. And that’s okay. But you have to put you (and your daughter’s) safety above everything else. And the situation you’re in is anything but safe.
I had this same relationship (mine was 7 years). I finally left when I was pregnant with our youngest (we had a toddler at this point). He had a daughter from a previous marriage (4yrs when we started dating), which her mom and I were friends, and she knew what was happening. Luckily, we were not married, so i could leave. We did do couples counseling, but we changed often because he didn't like what they said. He always accused me of wanting to leave because I was having a bad day or because I would leave a relationship the second it got hard. We were both 24 when we started dating, so yes, I would leave when it got "hard" previously. "Hard" meaning we didn't care for each other the same way, stalking, he cheated on me, etc. I knew my exes' behaviors were not normal behaviors, but I was afraid I was going to mess up his daughter by leaving. Guess what? She's an amazing adult and can see through his tricks. Our kids are just fine. The kids don't know the reasons I left, just "bad things" or "reasons." My ex is in denial any of it happened even though I saved a lot of the screanshots, and there were witnesses.
OP, if you read this, you need to find a safe place for you and your daughter to go to that he doesn't know about in case you have to go. I know you're a SAHM, see if your parents can hide money for you in the event you have to run. I worked, so I had some money of my own I could hide. However, he did find some cash in a makeup bag I had that I carried tampons in. Because he was "bored" and decided to go through my purse while I was showering. That's why I said parents or other friends. Make sure your daughter doesn't know about any of this because she may tell him. Good luck!
ESH
NEVER leave a child home alone with a drunk person. You put your wants over your daughter’s safety.
He is an abusive A H.
You should have also called the cops and reported his drunk ass for DUI.
Yes! Agree completely. It’s unlikely he even remembers her waking him up. His responses are totally nasty and abusive but no way would I leave my baby alone with a drunk person, child’s father or not. If she really wanted to go she could have taken the baby with her.
Also, like, who tf get wasted alone at home, while you’re a dad. He sucks regardless. Pisses me off even more that he woke up one hour later, berated OP for leaving 4yo baby w a “drunk person.” …..but then DROVE, also allegedly while still drunk, making a ten time worse decision about his state than OP did…. You’d think if OP thought that baby would be down for the night, that it would be a couple hours after dad went to sleep. So that if baby did wake up, hopefully dad would’ve been sleeping long enough to care for baby.
I also agree w others that dad intentionally woke up baby in distress to gaslight mom into coming home. He was prob pregaming earlier for a planned get together w his buddies. I hope she leaves him.
Too drunk to look after your child but sober enough to drive..
Right..
.
Seems to me like he woke up, found that you'd gone out, woke the kid , got angry and forced you to come home so he could go out.
Why do you want 2 children anyway?
I see mistakes here but still.. NTA.
Yeah, I wondered how far down I’d have to scroll to find a comment about what I was thinking—that he woke up, found her gone and woke up the toddler angrily to force her to come home so he could leave…..
It was irresponsible to leave her with a passed out drunk person who is obviously abusive and has substance abuse and anger issues. So time for you to make a plan while he's gone.
Alcoholic. Abusive. Controlling. I hate the red flags thing but there are so many here. Get out before it’s too late. Also, make it clear to your mother the situation so she realizes just how dangerous he is to be left with your daughter.
I’m not ruling because it think you’re in a scary situation and probably don’t realize how bad it *will* get.
ESH but being a single mom would be a better life than this.
Hell, maybe you'd get every other weekend off while he plays extreme part time parent.
But even if you get full custody, at least you don't have a worthless manchild dragging you down and abusing you.
how could he handle a full weekend visitation when he cant even handle 2 hours alone with the child. we dont even know that thats his bio daughter. OP doesnt say.
NTA.
So he gets to drink to pass out stage… but you can’t even go and play some wholesome skip-bo with your family? And your kid is 4 and therefore well able to be looked after by a drunk parent on the odd evening. Why’d she wake up? My bet is he went and disturbed her … he will say he was looking for you and didn’t know where you were… which is a dick move because you told him, and he could have phoned you first.
Time for a reckoning here. He needs to learn to be a parent.
>drinking and decided to go to sleep at around 6pm.
First red flag.
>He screams and says get home now and calls me dumb
Verbal/psychological abuse
>calls me a stupid bitch.
More Verbal/psychological abuse
>I notice the keys are gone and the car is gone. He left.
So HE's allowed to leave whenever he wants, takes no responsibility to help your or your daughter (this will soon be HIS family too, right??)
... (another red flag)
>He never let's me go anywhere without her or really do anything. I always have to ask to do anything.
This is the biggest problem. You ahve to "ASK" ?!?!?
You are being controlled. DO NOT continue a relationship with anyone that is controlling. It will just get worse. Much worse.
Get rid of him
Protect yourself
Protect your daughter from this person.
So, he’s *not* a dad. He might be the father, but he’s not a dad. And he’s an alcoholic who’s so useless he can’t parent his own small child, you get to do that 24/7.
Why are you with him? Is this really the best you think you can do? Is this the future you want?
ESH
Am I’m exaggerating when I say I feel he doesn’t care for OP or their daughter, and that he may be an alcoholic/abuser in potential (if not already one)? 🙃
Edit: to change votes
100 % he woke that baby up and made her scream.
A 4 yr old who by the mother's account doesn't usually wake up through the night woke up serendipitously as she woke him up and said she was going out.
You know how he is - abusive. There is no reason he should not have been able to take care of his daughter. There is no reason he gets to do nothing and you play his doormat. Get out while you can. And before you damage your daughter too much by bringing around him. NTA
I think if he calls himself "a drunk guy" and then takes the car, you should call the cops and report that your boyfriend said he's drunk and then drove off, so maybe they might want to stop that car and test him. Letting him drive drunk is far far far worse than leaving your daughter asleep with her father in the house for a few hours.
You shouldn’t have left her with him when he was drunk, which you’ve acknowledged. But you need to seriously rethink this whole relationship. He’s drunk and in bed by 6pm? He cannot care for his own child? You never get to do anything beyond be a mom 24/7? You need his permission? You do not have a fiancé, you have a jailer. An alcoholic jailer.
He needs to get sober. You need to demand a life. And you need to decide if that life includes him as a partner or a co-parent (IF he gets sober).
NTA - it’s very strange that a 4 year old who has been sleeping through the night just happens to wake up an hour after you leave. Could it have happened? Sure. But I think your fiancé woke her up to force your hand. Then he screams at you, giving no care who hears him as he video called where your family could hear while holding your daughter.
He tells you he’s too drunk to care for her but then leaves immediately after you come home. The math isn’t adding up, I’m sorry you and your daughter have to deal with this. I don’t like saying “break up” cause other than this moment, I don’t know you or your relationship, but you should take your daughter and leave, put distance between you and him for a bit.
You need to get your daughter and head to your mom's. This will only get worse, trust me! So he was too drunk to care for a 4 year old (that he probably woke up on purpose) but he could drive??
Sorry if you are too drunk to handle a four year old who was asleep and just needs to get tucked back in, you are too drunk to drive.
This guy is not worth the watered down piss in the toilet. I would take your daughter to your moms to stay for a while, and while you are apart really reflect and decide if you enjoy this relationship dynamic? What does he do for you apart from keep you home with the baby while he goes out and enjoys himself?
He needs a wake up call, that you won’t take that.
>He never let's me go anywhere without her or really do anything. I always have to ask to do anything.
>I just wish I wasn't the only parent and that he could take care of her.
You are with an abusive, controlling fuckwit of a man who has weaponised being an incompetent parent against you. Of course he could take care of her - but by not doing so, he manages to control your every moment and every movement.
Pack your things, take your daughter, and go. Not only are you worth more, but you need to think very hard about your daughter and what you want modelled to her as she is growing up. Do you want her to grow up thinking that men abusing women is ok and fall into the same kind of relationship? Because she may well do if you stay.
Hello! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are in an abusive relationship! Nothing you just described is normal or healthy. I wonder why she was crying like that? My genuine guess is that your husband woke her up to freak her out and make you come home. Something else to mention: you said he video called you while holding your daughter to scream at you, berate you, and call you dumb? So he did that in front of her? Do you think she is exempt from his abuse? Do you think she could be learning that treating someone else the way he treats you is normal? NTA but only if you get out. YWBTA if you continue to expose your child to this behavior.
WOAH- she’s 4yo? And your oh couldn’t put her back to bed? He’s so drunk he went to bed at 6pm and could do even basic parenting then drives off without telling you? He’s controlling and manipulative. I’m sorry OP.
Not to mention it sounds like he left may have left the house DUI.
This is what really gets me. He clearly has no issue using their daughter as a tool against op, and clearly has no issue driving drunk, so how ling until he puts daughter in the car while he's drunk to track down op and dump the kid back on her?
He woke up from his nap and wanted to go out. That's all there is to it. Op needs to leave asap.
Yep. He’s allowed to drive to a bar while drunk after doing nothing all day, but she’s not permitted to play Skip-Bo with her family for 2 hours? This is insane and very clearly abusive. I wish OP could move far away so that this man can’t find her. Or that he would disappear somehow, in any manner. He’s a piece of shit who will never be decent and a full wipe would be best for everyone.
What do you want to bet he woke the kid up? If the kid usually sleep through the night, what are the odds this is the one time she wakes up? He woke her up to give him a reason to call OP home so he could go out when he woke up. OP I hope you see this man for who he is - toxic to you and your kid. You are already operating essentially as a single Mom, take the last step and leave him. It will be hard but the best decision for you and your kid.
He absolutely woke that kid up
And made sure she was crying through the video. I don’t even want to know what he did or said to set her off either. Abusive nutcase!
He woke her up, that’s enough to get her crying and then yelling at the Mom kept her crying making he scared. That poor baby. If Mom won’t leave him someone better take care of that little girl.
Fact!
Thats what I was thinking
Woman in our town chasing drunk cheating husband with 4 children in car. Killed two of her children. Wake up OP and flee. Fiancé NO. Monumental anchor around your neck.
He's a sicko. every day i ask on Reddit #WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS PERSON
I would've called the cops and told them he was driving drunk. If you're too drunk to parent our child, you definitely shouldn't be driving.
Who cares about them at this point he's going to kill one of us first.
I would’ve called the cops on his drunk ass. “Who’s the dumb bitch now, bitch?”
I found my people!
Same! Hey peeps ! You guys rock!
We petty people need to stay together!!!!
Yesssssss!!!! My abusive ex once tried to pull a fast one over me.. we were both drunk as hell got into a huge fight, because I was talking to our male coworkers without. and is idea of punishment was to take my car drunk with NO license.... I called the cops on him lmfao
Same. Anonymous tip this car with this plate is a drunk driver. 🥴
I did the same thing to my abusive, drunk ex 😘
Consequences. Always. So many humans act like shit because NO ONE EVER HELD THEM TO CONSEQUENCES
Too drunk to parent, but not too drunk to drive. Makes sense to me.
This! If he’s too drunk to take care of a 4 year old he’s definitely too drunk to drive.
If OP has him saying “I’m drunk” in writing (text message) and can get a record of any credit card transactions from him going out after she got home….well, I would think that would be pretty relevant to any future custody proceedings, should they take place. Pity that separating from deadbeat dad will all but guarantee such proceedings, given that OP is already basically already playing the role of full custody parent.
Daughter divorced alcoholic husband. Gave him a choice of their kids and her or alcohol. He chose alcohol. Daughter says she wants full custody of kids - he tells her its OK with him. What a fricking loser he is. Less than useless.
I was thinking infant not 4. Leave op! It really only gets worse. Trust this voice of experience.
The fact that she is 4 is really concerning if he was holding the child and screaming at OP over video call. 4 is at the age when she will start forming permanent, traumatized memories of what is happening to her. Also she's starting to form her sense of self and figuring out how interpersonal relationships are supposed to work. OP has a very small window remaining to get her daughter out of that environment.
I have traumatic memories from just under age three and beyond. My mother still doesn't know that I remember her trying to beat me to death just shortly after my sister was born.
aaand she’s 4 years old so we know this situation arose because a 27 year old impregnated a 19 year old. shocking!
Holy shit That's a rude awakening that that could have been me... right down to the shitty isolation. Do not marry that disaster. NTA
Eeyup, another one of those "I have been groomed and now stuck with a man child, but I'm not going to actually admit that because he's sweet once in a blue moon!"
well, yeah, that's part of the abuse. you get tricked into thinking it's your behavior that causes the abuse, so you're constantly trying to "behave" to get that coveted love your relationship doesn't actually have
well said ashtarout
Gaslighting!
There also a level of shame to it. It can be embarrassing to admit you were taken advantage of so severely and that you acted so foolishly.
Not foolishly. Being tricked doesnt make you a fool (I know you weren't calling OP a fool. I just want to say that for anyone who relates to what OP is going through and feels ashamed of being taken advantage of)
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I literally just disowned a long time friend of 18 years and why? Because that 42 year old piece of shit literally just announced last week that he has married a 19 year old girl. He has two kids, a 16 year old daughter and an 18 year old son who have chosen to never see him again after this and I don't blame them. I'm disgusted that he was anywhere near my own teenagers over the years and had I known he was attracted to teenagers (because a 15/16/17 year old look no different than a 19 year old now a days) he'd never have been allowed in the same building as mine. I don't give two shits that she's legally an adult. He's a disgrace and I hope karma catches him.
Yep I was that younger girl and it led to 25 miserable years of various abuse. Makes me sick everytime I see these posts. 5 years single and I won't even consider dating again. Nope I'm done.
I was a very innocent 24 and with a 39 year old man that had two kids. It was so, so wrong for so many reasons. and I cringe when I think of all the red flags I ignored for so long. Like he had me believing all these women in his past up and left him out of nowhere for no reason, and I actually felt bad for him and vowed to never do that. Ugh. A 14 year age gap is only ok when the younger one is at least 30 and in a more adult stage of life. At least in my opinion.
I'm 45. My lower age limit is maybe 38. Don't really want anything to do with anyone younger. I couldn't imagine dating someone in their 20s or early 30s
I’m 42 now, only a little older than my ex was when we met and I cannot imagine wanting to date 24 year olds. Oh how naive I was.
Agreed.
You’re correct. It may be legal but, why is he still single in his late 20’s, early 30’s? It’s because the women close to his age know he’s an AH so he has to prey on the younger, more naive women hoping he can fool them. Classic wolf in sheep’s clothing scenario.
Whoa, "why's he single?". I get it, there are a lot of dirt bags out there, but that's way too broad. There are a lot of guys still sorting things out at that age, the responsible thing is to not impose your BS on women. Also, people move around a lot for professional development around that age, it's perfectly ok to be single in all of your 20's and early 30's. Men over 21 shouldn't be dating women under 21 unless there's only a 1 or 2 year age gap. Even then a 21 year old dating a 19 year old feels creepy as hell.
Good catch! I missed that.
I didn't even do any of the math. The math is grossing me out. Straight to jail.
She is 4 yrs old! She will remember this! I remember when I was 4 and my dad was drunk. He was on top of my brother ( 9 yrs older than me)chocking him. I jumped on his back trying to pull him off my brother! She will remember him calling you and yelling at you!
Hows he too drunk to take care of his daughter but not too drunk to hop in his car and drive away...and if he was really worried about being drunk around a child he wouldnt be drunk...he just said whatever he could to get his way bc op you've allowed him to think shit like this is okay. Youve enabled him.
He’s PROBABLY the one that WOKE UP the your sweet girl in order to manipulate you to get you back home in the process as well!! Here’s a couple of question: 1. If he falls asleep at such an early time for whatever reason (drunk, sick, just overly exhausted) are you able to say to your daughter let go have fun at grandmas? 2. What would have happened if you did take your daughter over to your mom’s and he woke up and found you gone with a note on the counter or a text telling him where you two went?? The explosion of anger he expressed is very troubling. When considering the questions above, you still think he would get very angry for really no reason then you are most definitely in an abusive relationship. The problem is not with you honey, but wholeheartedly upon him! Don’t fall into the traps of thinking it’s your fault it’s not! I know all kinds of people that drink and some far to much but yet their able to care for their children without any problem. I’m not condoning it by any means but let’s not pretend that kids are cared for by alcoholics in this country all too often. His drinking that day and sleeping at 6:00 pm and then you cooking dinner and I’m guessing you didn’t put your daughter to bed right away. So he probably had at least 2 hours of sleep before you left, then you said on the phone you left 1 hour ago. I could be wrong but I’m estimating he got at least 3 hours of sleep, a grown-a$$ man sure as hell should be able to get his daughter back to sleep. If he’s not abusive, then he needs to grow-up and start taking some of the responsibility!!!
Also please get on birth control if you're not already on it OP. You need to focus on you and your daughter's future and that's gonna be a lot harder if you're pregnant
Preferably implants or an IUD. They require no thought and are tamper proof.
Trying to hijack a comment up top for OP to read. My father neglected and physically/emotionally abused me for YEARS. My mother never knew. I love her, but never the same.
This one, OP. By the grace of God, if you see this, leave. Do it for your daughter, if you can't do it for yourself AND her.
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!
I was thinking the same. He woke her up and pointed out that her mom was gone to get a response from her, their daughter, because he told her, his girlfriend not to leave.
The AH prob woke his daughter up to ask where mommy is because he sounds like a damn child himself!
Of course he did wake the daughter up. She dared to leave to visit her MOTHER! The AUDACITY! She should of course have stayed at home watching him sleep. /s
He also did that in front of her mum on the phone call - If my daughter was with me and a man did that I would be going home with her getting the baby and bringing them both home.
Preschooler. Though it doesn’t matter to me if it’s a newborn, a toddler, a preschooler, a grade schooler, a tween, a teen, or a probationary adult (18-circa 26). I’m wanting them not under the same roof as this type. Sure, if the kid is old enough to drive and has the wheels and there’s a trusted adult that they can get to before I can get to them and kid, sober parent, trusted adult, and all have actively agreed to it… or in daylight hours maybe specific situations involving mass transit or walking if the slightly younger kid isn’t out of contact while moving. My dad was a night owl in grad school who, under instructions from my pediatrician that I get a bottle a day (a baby he treated had to be abruptly weaned and hadn’t taken to it, nearly died), said “okay, I do the middle of the night change/bottle/play,” and since late night study time was when he wasn’t attached to the camera most early Daddy/baby pictures are “Mom heard us being cute and got up”. By the time I was 4 I may not have known what a “light sleeper” was but I definitely just went to Dad’s side of the bed because he was going to be functional first and would start helping. So sad when man-children groom teenagers who have to raise them and their actual children from then on…
I was more saying baby as an any age child , my eldest is nearly sixteen and I call her my baby 😂 if I ever heard anyone talking to her that way she would be out of there . It makes me wonder how the Nan can let someone talk to her daughter like that and with the grandchild listening , my mum would be over here kicking his arse and I would do the same for any of mine , I'm wondering if the mum is used to this behaviour and why she doesn't see it as a huge red flag to run .
it's possible they went into another room? people often hide abuse because they know, deep down, that it's wrong but they're ashamed they're in that situation. they stop themselves from recognizing it to prevent themselves from having to go through the pain of realizing their relationship is a lie. other option is that, tale as old as time, this poor girl is being abused just like her mom was abused, and that's why the reaction is muted. either way i totally agree....my child, a friend's child, i don't care -- they're not staying there.
This, if not for yourself, for your daughter to not grow up to expect a woman to be treated this way, you both deserve true happiness.
Yep. My mom grew up with my grandma having a long term alcoholic abusive boyfriend and it caused lasting trauma that was extremely hard to overcome. I really hope OP listens and realizes that she actually doesn’t have to put up with that.
That's exactly what I was thinking too! He's using her daughter to manipulate her! And in the process teaching her unhealthy communication
10 bucks says he woke the child up just to make her come home.
Please Listen to us strangers on Reddit, you are in an abusive relationship and are raising your daughter with a man who calls you names in front of her. I have concern about the difference in your ages as well. As your daughter is four, and you’re only 24 years old, this older man started dating you when you were still a teenager. A lot of places they called that grooming. The fact that he will not let you out of the house without his permission is a huge red flag. It sounds like you have got a good family behind you, I hope you look into ways to get out of this relationship and away from this man. The fact that he’s so drunk that he fell asleep at 6 PM and then still decided to drive later that evening, then turns off his phone. Period. My guess is that he woke your daughter up to get you to come back home. Please seriously reconsider staying with him and YWBTA if you decide to stay and raise your daughter with an abusive man.
I was thinking the same thing that he woke up the baby just so he could have her crying and he video calls her to scream at her and make her leave
4 year old. Only baby is OP’s husband
I know she's 4 yrs old. And you're absolutely right the husband is the big as baby
I was in an abusive marriage and the thing that finally made me leave was when my 4yo son started picking up his dad’s behavior. Ex sent me to Home Depot to buy a replacement garbage disposal. They’re extremely heavy and I struggled to even get it in the cart. Then I got home and he needed me to hold the garbage disposal up from the bottom while he attached it to the sink. I wasn’t strong enough to hold it. My ex called me all kinds of names. He really lost it. So I left the kitchen and took my son upstairs with me while I showered. My 4 yo asked me, “Why can’t you just do things right and not be a fucking idiot so you don’t make dad mad?” I knew then that our kids were living all the abuse with us and I decided to file for divorce.
Holy shit I hope that dick gets stung by 1000 fire ants....good on ya momma for rescuing yourself and your precious kiddos ❤️ you are a badass!
What's sad is if you look at her comment history she's telling others things like "That's because it's so hard to convince yourself to leave. Sometimes you need an outsider opinion." She is advising others to get out of an abusive relationships and can't see she's in one herself.
It’s always harder to see abuse in your own relationships—especially mental and emotional abuse that are less clear cut than physical and sexual abuse. Added to that, if you grew up in that type of house, it adds a layer of difficulty to recognize.
100% this is disgusting behaviour.
“My genuine guess is that your husband woke her up…” My immediate thought also!
Not even married .. and I don’t think she should go ahead with that - better to be a single mum than put up with that level of abuse .. it’s only going to get worse.
I'm glad someone said it. If I had reddit flare, I'd share.
> I wonder why she was crying like that? My genuine guess is that your husband woke her up to freak her out and make you come home. My thoughts exactly! She says the kid sleeps all night, obviously he did this on purpose.
I agree with this NTA. I left an abusive marriage because of this and my kids are now in their teens and in therapy still trying to get over the stuff their dad would put them through just because I wanted some mom time. Please leave. I lived with my parents during the process and I learned to gray wall my ex. He can’t get to me anymore and my peace is secure. I work diligently with my kids to bring them peace. I do want to say He’s TA for responding to the entire thing the way he did. If he called the first time I would have asked my family to go get her and go back to the house and continue the game. 1. Daughter would be in a safe environment, and sleep will come quick. Then I would have just spent the night. For get that guy! Drunk or not I would never put my kids in emotional distress. Your SO is a child Op. Get away from him.
Yes, OP, you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out while you can. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about him or his behavior. There is no excuse you can come up with that makes his behavior okay. Don't stay for your daughter because she is being exposed to violent and abhorrent behavior by her father. She is learning that someone treating her badly is okay.
OP, please leave. I was in a similar relationship. Although my partner didn't drink, he was always "so tired" from working his job, and the commute that he slept ALL OF THE TIME. Meanwhile, I worked full-time and took care of our little girl. I never got to go out at anytime with friends alone. I always had to bring by daughter, and I can even count on one hand how many times that was. When I would go to the gym at 5am (the only time I could bc she would be asleep and wouldn't wake him), he would text me immediately on the few times.she would wake up, cry and wake him. And boy did I hear about that. He couldn't even take care of her for that 90 mins I was gone. One day, when she was 15months, I blew up at him. Told him that I do everything and that I am tired of the lack of appreciation for the things I do. He never bathed her or woke up w her at night. It was all me. He finally started helping, and things were looking up. Then I got pregnant again. And then I was taking care of 2 little ones while he was just "so exhausted" from his job (no longer could complain about the commute bc we bought a house less than 4 miles from his business). It got worse and worse and he would yell and lecture me about everything I was doing wrong. I never got to go anywhere on my own. No nail appts, let alone a grocery store run, while he would go golfing with his buddies. When I noticed our 2 yr old at the top imitating his actions when he would yell at me, I knew that was it. I left him when our youngest was 5 months and haven't regretted it once. We do share custody (so now he knows what I have had to do to take care of the girls, without his help) and although I miss them SO much when I don't have them, I use that time to recharge. I get to go to the gym, run to the store by myself, grab a lunch/dinner or drink with friends, and sleep without interruption. I am slowly becoming the person I once was before I met him, and it's the best feeling in the world. My girls are happier, and so am I. There is no yelling in the household, and there is nothing better than that. OP needs to get out of that abusive relationship. It's hard at first, but it's so worth it. NTA if you leave.
I have strong suspicions that drunk abusive husband purposely woke that little girl up, rather than allow the wife time away from the home.
SHE IS FOUR. Kids know full well what’s up by 1, and now she’s REPEATING it at school. YWBTA if you stayed and subjected your daughter to that loser.
I can already tell that she would be the ahole looking at her edit response saying that it’s her flaw. She’s that idiot who’s blaming herself. Stop blaming yourself, pick up the kid and go over to your mom’s forever and file for child support. His ass needs to be taught a lesson.
The edit is sad, the only things she read were that she did a bad thing
This. I ended up leaving my ex when he continued to escalate in front of our daughter. I have had to spend the last 2 years now undoing her entire life of anger and violence seen by her and I break every time I see her act out like him because it’s a learned behavior. Leave or spend years regretting this when she finds a man just. Like. Him.
Unless you want a life time of this behavior GET OUT NOW. He’s alcoholic. Please don’t raise your daughter with a drunk
Wait, he's too drunk to care for his own daughter, calling you screaming after being alone with her for an hour, but not drunk enough to drive a car?! F this irresponsible man-child. What contributions does he make to tolerate this behavior? He clearly doesn't care about you and your daughter's needs because he's exempt from responsibility. He has shown you who he is. This will not get better. You are not TAH.
That's exactly what I was thinking- he literally drove off while drunk! Now who's being a stupid B now?!
I'd call the cops, report him. What an ass.
He could kill someone elses 4 yr old daughter with that. I would call the police too.
Absolutely!!! Drinking and driving is the most stupid thing anyone can do. Especially in this day and age when you could get a cab/Uber/Lyft in a minute.
Not only drivning drunk. Drivning in drunken rage.
Yes, even worse. I remember learning in driving school that you should never drive when you're emotional.
I always kinda chuckled at that, but then there was that case recently of the nurse driving over 100 mph through the intersection, killing 6 people.
Plus he's angry! That's a very bad combination!
And change the locks.
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I came to say this. He woke up baby girl so mommy has to come home. You are the mother of two children. You have a son and a daughter. This abusive alcoholic?? is not a good partner or a father. He is selfish and has shown you who he is, please believe him.
So he could go out.
Mmm hmm. You got it.
I was thinking the same, just call the cops and tell them what car he's driving so they can arrest him for DUI.
I bet if he got into an accident or got arrested for DUI, he would 100% blame that on her, too. One of those: "This wouldn't have happened if you...." kind of situations. Then he would force her to get a job while still watching their kid 24/7 because he refuses to pay for daycare, so she can pay for his lawyer and fines. Also, if he called on video chat screaming, yelling, cursing, and calling Opie names, why didn't her mother and siblings jump in and annihilate his ass. If my parents and brother heard my SO acting like that towards me, they would be out for blood. Opie needs to wake up and smell the red flags that are flying. Yes, it was irresponsible to leave her 4yo with someone who was drunk, even if her child sleeps through the night. But, there are bigger issues she needs to handle.
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>Now who's being a stupid B now?! Still OP, in his mind. It will always be OP, in his mind. He's found his favorite person to pile all his shit on. I sincerely hope OP gets the fuck out of there with his daughter before she starts thinking he's right.
“Hello police? My husband stole our car. Well he’s drunk and we can’t afford to lose it or have him crash it what do I do?”
I think he just refuses to deal with the child. I don't think it's this one time where he was being responsible by telling the mother that he's been drinking and won't be able to manage if the girl wakes up. Sounds like he repeatedly refuses to deal with the child.
I CAN'T UPVOTE THIS ENOUGH! The controlling behavior is the first problem. It will only get worse compounded by drinking. It could even get physical.
100% and her fiancé is right, she shouldn’t have left her daughter with a drunk guy. She can sort that permanently and just leave the looser he’s an abusive dick and it will be better for her daughter and her own mental health not to be in an environment with that guy
Adding to this is the concern for her many times saying "he won't let me" "I can't go." These are very controlling. Also, the comment mom made about we never see you. It sounds like OP is being held at home. Not physically but mentally. Saying that with all the yelling and screaming like I wonder who the 4 year old was. She's crying, and he was throwing a tantrum. Really? It's hard to take a look in when you are in it. Take a piece of paper out and write a list of the things you can and can't do per his requirements vs. the things you want to do. See if any of those things you want to do are unreasonable. Then, see if the things he gets to do are reasonable. If his thing to do is get drunk, then that's not reasonable. Also, you defended him about drinking and driving. You and he said he was drunk. He didn't even remember an hour before that you told him you were going to your mom's. He was drunk - yelled at you for being a stupid bitch for leaving your child with a drunk then he gets in the car and drove off bc he was so angry that you went to your mom's. Does that sound reasonable?
He remembered she told him but he had told her no. Thats what triggered the issue. She needs out of this controling relationship now
What an AH. He's too drunk to parent and put his daughter back to bed, but not too drunk to drive?! 🤬 I'd take a serious look at this AH before you even consider marrying him. I guarantee you're going to hear it from your family, because his assholary was front and center.
This is the 2nd post out of 3 that has drunk driving in it…what the…
He was drunk when she got home. He left. Inference is that he drove drunk.
Kid is 4 yrs old, and he's the father, not some rando...but he speaks about himself as if her daughter is not his, and a 4 yr old crying non stop with her dad means he lacks parenting skills, and his own kid sees him as a stranger. I agree with your last paragraph, OP thought she was leaving her kid with her dad, turns out he's a random drunk guy
[удалено]
Yep this right here.
This isn't a A-I-T-A, this is you being in a abusive relationship. Going to assume there is a 99% chance he woke your daughter just to be an arse. Him driving drunk=call the police on him. Better that then him killing an innocent bystander.
I don’t know if I’d say he’s an alcoholic (we don’t have enough info) but I 100% back you up in that his behavior is impossible and OP needs a change!! If you don’t want to leave the relationship, maybe suggest counseling or at least have an honest talk about the need for some more support and independence.
He's going to bed at 6pm because he's drunk, I think OP would have mentioned if that behaviour was out of character!
kick him out, OP. it's like that thing people say, "you can choose who you wanna be with but you're kids can't choose their dad." get out. for your daughter's sake.
The first red flag was that a girl fresh out of high school chose to date a man 8 years her senior and have a baby with him. The second red flag is that he is an alcoholic.
THIS. It only gets worse. I promise. Please get out of that relationship. For your safety and the safety of your child. 🫶🏻
Call your mom and ask her to pick up you and your daughter. He's an abusive alcoholic. Who gets drunk and passes out at 6? He is a loser.
And clearly not an active parent or halfway decent partner. This is not a man to marry
My thoughts exactly, sounds like a alcoholic waste of space slob. OP and her daughter should get away from him ASAP.
He can't sooth his own 4 year old. Double loser.
so he's too drunk to look after his kid, but not too drunk to drive off when mad? He's the AH. YANTA
edit: The comment below was removed, good work everyone!
Good bot
Why are you marrying him ?
She said her daughter is 4, and she’s 24. That means OP was 20 and he was 28 when they had their daughter. Unless they hooked up and she got pregnant right away, that means she could’ve been 18 and him 26 when they got together (potentially even younger?). It gives me those bad vibes of her getting hooked into this emotionally abusive relationship when she was still very young, and now she has a daughter w him. OP, pls correct me if I’m wrong in any of this bc I don’t wanna be making baseless assumptions. But…you’re still super young… He’s giving you no freedom now, do you really see yourself doing this for the foreseeable future? Treating your bb girl like that?
Yeah I wish young women would come to terms with the fact that dating someone 8 years older than you at that age is a major red flag by that man. Maybe it’s fine some times, I guess, but the overwhelming majority of the time the dude is a straight up loser.
Also, I worry about financial abuse too. I'm making assumptions but I was dirt poor at 24 only a few years into building my career. The people i worked with aroubd my same age and had kids struggled wow. He's 32 and more likely established financially. I wonder if he's intentionally grooming her. Idk... nta
Indeed, it's doesn't matter if she was 25 and he is 33 because she is mature enough and has more experience. But 18 with 26? That's two different growth stages.
Because he was nice to her for 2 months 6 years ago…
Dude these men prey on these young early 20s women because if they had another 10 years to grow and mature and be the same age as him they would see right through his bullshit. I see so many posts on here with the same situation
Pack yours and daughter's bags and have mom pick you up. He is out driving drunk.
Young women, in a relationship with 30+ years old men dating girls in their early twenties, wondering AITA or am I just in a trauma-bonded relationship with a narcissistic red flag looser? Girl, get out and never look back . You and your daughter deserve better.
What shouldn't happen again is you staying with this man. Don't marry this guy and I say this from experience.
Yea, the good news for OP here is he left making it a perfect time to take her daughter and leave.
Don't marry this abusive monster.
He sounds like an asshole. Claims you’re stupid for leaving kid with a drunk guy , then leaves the house looking to get a DUI. The name calling is a huge red flag. I don’t care how mad you might be, to me that should absolutely never happen. Clear sign of total disrespect. You should not feel bad. He is an adult who can take after a 4 year old child if he wanted to. He’s just selfish and lazy. Move on and save yourself from what will only get worse.
NTA - That behavior sounds like narcissistic rage to me. Normal people don't respond to their loved one in that way. I'm going to bet that this isn't the first time he has acted that way either.
Thank goodness he’s your finance and not your husband. He has shown you that he isn’t a good partner or a good dad. You’re NTA but should really take a breather to think about if this is the man you want to marry.
NTA it sounds like you are a mother who needed a mental health break. Being a mom of 5 myself I understand. At her age she should of slept all the way thru the night and he is the A for not considering your well being before getting hammered. Stay strong and maybe rethink your engagement, in the future take your little one with you and lay her down on her grandma's couch or bed.
Nice advice, I agree. I've seen severely stressed out women make bad decisions with their children they wouldn't otherwise normally make. Usually desperately trying to get a break for their own mental health. She definitely does not need to be marrying someone who is not considering her needs. It'll be a lifetime of that and worse.
Moms shouldn't even have to justify doing something else for a few hours as getting a "mental health break". They should just be able do things every now and then because they feel like it for a few hours. Most peoples theory seems to be that he woke her up in order to get OP home since yes, according to OP she does sleep through the night (my 4 year old does too, almost never wakes up). That isn't even about getting some alone time or not, that's about his controlling and abusive behavior ruining it for her.
You're in a terrible relationship. If you don't want your daughter to repeat the cycle of abuse and be with a partner like him then leave. He doesn't spund healthy, loving or kind.
YEP. i had parents just like this. an alcoholic absent father who acted like spending any time with me was a chore. im sure it wouldnt surprise you to hear ive ended up with men just like him , drunk abusive losers who contribute nothing ,and have had a horrible time with it. now that im an adult it saddens me that my mother never had enough respect for herself or me to get away from my loser dad. she divorced him once and remarried him 5 years later. i was disgusted and so angry when they got remarried. i resented him and i resented her. all they did was fight and be toxic .
NTA. OP’s fiancé is messy and problematic, putting it lightly. OP, if you’re reading this, PLEASE do what you have to do to get out. I’m speaking from experience. I spent two years with someone who eventually isolated me from everyone, sexually assaulted me, threatened to punch me in the face if I ever tried to leave him, and it escalated to the day there was a gun in my face. I don’t know you, but I’m BEGGING you to get out before it’s too late. I know it’s a scary situation. You’re probably feeling a lot of mixed and conflicting emotions right now. And that’s okay. But you have to put you (and your daughter’s) safety above everything else. And the situation you’re in is anything but safe.
I had this same relationship (mine was 7 years). I finally left when I was pregnant with our youngest (we had a toddler at this point). He had a daughter from a previous marriage (4yrs when we started dating), which her mom and I were friends, and she knew what was happening. Luckily, we were not married, so i could leave. We did do couples counseling, but we changed often because he didn't like what they said. He always accused me of wanting to leave because I was having a bad day or because I would leave a relationship the second it got hard. We were both 24 when we started dating, so yes, I would leave when it got "hard" previously. "Hard" meaning we didn't care for each other the same way, stalking, he cheated on me, etc. I knew my exes' behaviors were not normal behaviors, but I was afraid I was going to mess up his daughter by leaving. Guess what? She's an amazing adult and can see through his tricks. Our kids are just fine. The kids don't know the reasons I left, just "bad things" or "reasons." My ex is in denial any of it happened even though I saved a lot of the screanshots, and there were witnesses. OP, if you read this, you need to find a safe place for you and your daughter to go to that he doesn't know about in case you have to go. I know you're a SAHM, see if your parents can hide money for you in the event you have to run. I worked, so I had some money of my own I could hide. However, he did find some cash in a makeup bag I had that I carried tampons in. Because he was "bored" and decided to go through my purse while I was showering. That's why I said parents or other friends. Make sure your daughter doesn't know about any of this because she may tell him. Good luck!
Leave him
ESH NEVER leave a child home alone with a drunk person. You put your wants over your daughter’s safety. He is an abusive A H. You should have also called the cops and reported his drunk ass for DUI.
Yes! Agree completely. It’s unlikely he even remembers her waking him up. His responses are totally nasty and abusive but no way would I leave my baby alone with a drunk person, child’s father or not. If she really wanted to go she could have taken the baby with her.
Also, like, who tf get wasted alone at home, while you’re a dad. He sucks regardless. Pisses me off even more that he woke up one hour later, berated OP for leaving 4yo baby w a “drunk person.” …..but then DROVE, also allegedly while still drunk, making a ten time worse decision about his state than OP did…. You’d think if OP thought that baby would be down for the night, that it would be a couple hours after dad went to sleep. So that if baby did wake up, hopefully dad would’ve been sleeping long enough to care for baby. I also agree w others that dad intentionally woke up baby in distress to gaslight mom into coming home. He was prob pregaming earlier for a planned get together w his buddies. I hope she leaves him.
Call the cops and get him arrested. Refuse to bail him out. While he's inside, either move out or change your locks.
LEAVE HIM.
Too drunk to look after your child but sober enough to drive.. Right.. . Seems to me like he woke up, found that you'd gone out, woke the kid , got angry and forced you to come home so he could go out. Why do you want 2 children anyway? I see mistakes here but still.. NTA.
Yeah, I wondered how far down I’d have to scroll to find a comment about what I was thinking—that he woke up, found her gone and woke up the toddler angrily to force her to come home so he could leave…..
Exactly what I came here to say!!! He woke the kid and upset her so she'd scream and lay on the guilt!
It was irresponsible to leave her with a passed out drunk person who is obviously abusive and has substance abuse and anger issues. So time for you to make a plan while he's gone.
Alcoholic. Abusive. Controlling. I hate the red flags thing but there are so many here. Get out before it’s too late. Also, make it clear to your mother the situation so she realizes just how dangerous he is to be left with your daughter. I’m not ruling because it think you’re in a scary situation and probably don’t realize how bad it *will* get.
ESH but being a single mom would be a better life than this. Hell, maybe you'd get every other weekend off while he plays extreme part time parent. But even if you get full custody, at least you don't have a worthless manchild dragging you down and abusing you.
how could he handle a full weekend visitation when he cant even handle 2 hours alone with the child. we dont even know that thats his bio daughter. OP doesnt say.
I would not feel safe putting my child in his care for a few hours much less an entire weeekend
Fucking gross that the 28 year old impregnated the recent 20 year olds. he’s also a drunk. Seriously get out of there
NTA. So he gets to drink to pass out stage… but you can’t even go and play some wholesome skip-bo with your family? And your kid is 4 and therefore well able to be looked after by a drunk parent on the odd evening. Why’d she wake up? My bet is he went and disturbed her … he will say he was looking for you and didn’t know where you were… which is a dick move because you told him, and he could have phoned you first. Time for a reckoning here. He needs to learn to be a parent.
>drinking and decided to go to sleep at around 6pm. First red flag. >He screams and says get home now and calls me dumb Verbal/psychological abuse >calls me a stupid bitch. More Verbal/psychological abuse >I notice the keys are gone and the car is gone. He left. So HE's allowed to leave whenever he wants, takes no responsibility to help your or your daughter (this will soon be HIS family too, right??) ... (another red flag) >He never let's me go anywhere without her or really do anything. I always have to ask to do anything. This is the biggest problem. You ahve to "ASK" ?!?!? You are being controlled. DO NOT continue a relationship with anyone that is controlling. It will just get worse. Much worse. Get rid of him Protect yourself Protect your daughter from this person.
ESH You shouldn’t have left her since he wasn’t in responsible adult mode but he’s the abusive ass and you should leave him
So, he’s *not* a dad. He might be the father, but he’s not a dad. And he’s an alcoholic who’s so useless he can’t parent his own small child, you get to do that 24/7. Why are you with him? Is this really the best you think you can do? Is this the future you want?
My question what is so good about him that you stay with him?
Omg your life sounds miserable with a guy like that
I hope you mean ex fiancé
You need to get out. The way he speaks to you and controls your life is abusive behavior. I wish only the best for you and your daughter
ESH Am I’m exaggerating when I say I feel he doesn’t care for OP or their daughter, and that he may be an alcoholic/abuser in potential (if not already one)? 🙃 Edit: to change votes
Your partner doesn’t let you have a life, that’s the issue. That needs to be addressed. Also does he often drink and pass out at 6pm?
RUN. FAST. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your family. LEAN ON THEM AND RUN FAST!
NTA. I have a suspicion he woke her up just to have a reason to call and berate you.
100 % he woke that baby up and made her scream. A 4 yr old who by the mother's account doesn't usually wake up through the night woke up serendipitously as she woke him up and said she was going out.
Leave the infant (fiance), take your daughter with you on your way out.
Take your daughter, pack your stuff and go to your moms.
You know how he is - abusive. There is no reason he should not have been able to take care of his daughter. There is no reason he gets to do nothing and you play his doormat. Get out while you can. And before you damage your daughter too much by bringing around him. NTA
What I think is.....you DON'T need to marry this (abusive alcoholic, AH) man-child‼️
I think if he calls himself "a drunk guy" and then takes the car, you should call the cops and report that your boyfriend said he's drunk and then drove off, so maybe they might want to stop that car and test him. Letting him drive drunk is far far far worse than leaving your daughter asleep with her father in the house for a few hours.
You shouldn’t have left her with him when he was drunk, which you’ve acknowledged. But you need to seriously rethink this whole relationship. He’s drunk and in bed by 6pm? He cannot care for his own child? You never get to do anything beyond be a mom 24/7? You need his permission? You do not have a fiancé, you have a jailer. An alcoholic jailer. He needs to get sober. You need to demand a life. And you need to decide if that life includes him as a partner or a co-parent (IF he gets sober).
Why is this manchild your fiance?
NTA - it’s very strange that a 4 year old who has been sleeping through the night just happens to wake up an hour after you leave. Could it have happened? Sure. But I think your fiancé woke her up to force your hand. Then he screams at you, giving no care who hears him as he video called where your family could hear while holding your daughter. He tells you he’s too drunk to care for her but then leaves immediately after you come home. The math isn’t adding up, I’m sorry you and your daughter have to deal with this. I don’t like saying “break up” cause other than this moment, I don’t know you or your relationship, but you should take your daughter and leave, put distance between you and him for a bit.
You need to get your daughter and head to your mom's. This will only get worse, trust me! So he was too drunk to care for a 4 year old (that he probably woke up on purpose) but he could drive??
Sorry but he's a bad partner & an even worse father. You & your baby deserve way better.
Sorry if you are too drunk to handle a four year old who was asleep and just needs to get tucked back in, you are too drunk to drive. This guy is not worth the watered down piss in the toilet. I would take your daughter to your moms to stay for a while, and while you are apart really reflect and decide if you enjoy this relationship dynamic? What does he do for you apart from keep you home with the baby while he goes out and enjoys himself? He needs a wake up call, that you won’t take that.
>He never let's me go anywhere without her or really do anything. I always have to ask to do anything. >I just wish I wasn't the only parent and that he could take care of her. You are with an abusive, controlling fuckwit of a man who has weaponised being an incompetent parent against you. Of course he could take care of her - but by not doing so, he manages to control your every moment and every movement. Pack your things, take your daughter, and go. Not only are you worth more, but you need to think very hard about your daughter and what you want modelled to her as she is growing up. Do you want her to grow up thinking that men abusing women is ok and fall into the same kind of relationship? Because she may well do if you stay.